Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1

First, there was Space.

At the beginning, there was not very much in Space. The expanse which would one day be filled with all manners of good guys and bad guys, was currently empty.
To describe Space would be pointless, because there was nothing in Space. It was an empty Space. They would eventually make the word Space to describe such a place, but that word had not been invented yet because there was no one to invent it. Space was empty, and it was empty for a very long time. No one was here to describe Space or be bothered by its emptiness because it was empty and there was no one in it. If anyone was to appear in Space, they would probably need magic, because to appear out of nothing is something only someone with magic could do. But that could never happen, because Space didn’t believe in magic. Space believed in science, and science hates magic. One day in a billion years there would be a war where science fought magic, and magic would win. Science hated that.

Then, there was Jesus.

Jesus was a magic man who loved magic, because his dad was God and God invented magic. No one knows why Jesus showed up. Some people think he was sent by God to tell Space that science is dumb and magic is cool. Unfortunately, we will never know why Jesus showed up because he hasn’t told us yet, and he never said why in the Bible. While we may never know, we did know one thing for sure. Jesus loved magic.
Space wasn’t particularly happy with this. Space was happy alone, and Space was happy because there was only science and no magic. However, Space was open minded. Taking the first step, Space reached out to the visitor.
“Hello, and welcome to my domain. I am Space.”
“Hello Space. My name is Jesus, and I love magic. My dad is God, who is best known as the inventor of magic. My favorite thing in the world is magic, and my second favorite thing in the world is being nice to people. I would love to be nice to you, but if you don’t believe in magic, I will not be.”
Space couldn’t really imagine a worse situation than this. Space’s own private world, invaded by some stupid magic man who loves magic. This was horrible. Disgusting. Space probably would’ve thrown up if Space had a digestive system. To put it lightly, Space was furious.
“Jesus, why would you come here? Just to disturb my peace? I hate magic, because magic hates science and I am the poster child for science because I am Space. Space is the thing you see on science posters, Space is the thing everyone wants to go to school to learn about because everyone wants to be an astronaut and astronauts are people who love space”
“Oh Space, I’m so sorry. You are not the only one with fans. Unfortunately, I am Jesus, and in roughly a billion years I will publish a book. It will be called The Bible and it will be about all the magic I do, and all the magic my dad did. Everyone is going to love it, and go to a big building to read it because they love it so much. The only place people will gather to read about your science in books is called school, and everybody hates school. Even you know that.”
Space was caught in a bind, because it was true. Everybody did hate school. This sucked. Jesus was right, and Space could already tell that it hated Jesus. Jesus would have to pay for this, and Space was going to make sure that happened.
“Ok Jesus, listen up. We’re going to have an argument to decide who is right. You have to come up with 7 reasons why magic is better than science, and I’ll come up with 7 reasons why science is better than magic. We both get to prepare, and then we’ll discuss it. If I’m right, you have to go away forever, and you never get to write your book full of lies. I will not be telling you what happens if you win, because you can’t win, because you’re stupid. If you win this, I will probably blow up or something because magic can never be better than science”
Space was lying through its teeth, because it knew in a billion years science would lose the war against magic. Space was starting to hate this world it existed in
“Ok Space,” Jesus said. “You have a deal. I think I’ll start planning The Bible because I know I will win because I have God on my side because he is my dad. God is never wrong, so if he says magic is good, I know it is good. However, I will entertain your argument, Space. I want to show you that magic is beautiful and amazing and happy, and once you love magic I will be nice to you. I would love to be nice to you Space, because I love being nice to people. Someday I hope that will happen”
Space was blushing a little, because no one had ever been nice to Space before. Maybe this Jesus guy really did have a point. No, that’s impossible. Space hated that kind of shit. Space wasn’t nice to anyone. Space only liked science. Space had to win this argument, or it risked losing everything it loved (science).
At the time, neither Space nor Jesus knew it, but this argument would be very important. It would lay the groundwork for everything to happen in the future. It would set up the lines in the sand which would be drawn between good and bad, and the future of everything held in the balance. The next billion years of history would stem directly from this argument. Maybe even the next two billion years. Regardless, the argument would happen, and neither party would understand the ramifications until it was far, far too late. So, the two faced away from each other, and walked towards their opposite sides of the void to begin their preparations. Well, Jesus walked, because he had legs. Space is not a person, or even really a thing, so space just existed a bit further away from Jesus.

Chapter 2

Jesus was not particularly worried. As he had stated earlier, he had no expectation of losing, not just because of his love of magic, because he was given a prophecy by God. It said that he was a good guy, and Jesus knew that good guys are nice and always win. So, Jesus’s first concern wasn’t thinking up his 7 reasons that magic is better, but instead to get comfortable. Because Jesus had magic, he could make things appear out of nowhere at will, so he began to furnish an exquisite thinking space in which to get to work.
Jesus was known for many things, and he possessed many skills and talents, but interior design was unfortunately not one of them. Ironically, shortly before his death he would take up carpentry in an attempt to fix this, but it would be too little too late, as he would be killed by getting nailed to a big stick. Quite the ironic way for a carpenter to go. Maybe if he was a better carpenter he could’ve gotten out of it. However, as of right now Jesus was not a carpenter, and especially not a designer.
Jesus made a little tower which he sat at the top of. It was painted green and covered in brightly colored balls and golden streamers. Jesus sat at the top, shining like a star. This is where Christmas trees came from. A billion years later people everywhere would commemorate Jesus’s battle against Space and science by putting up a christmas tree and singing songs about Jesus. Jesus would be long dead by then, but the house he made using magic would still live within the hearts of millions of Christian children on Christmas morning. In the future, millions of children would love magic. They would wake up thinking of magic with love in their hearts, and worship Santa Claus, one of the strongest soldiers in the war against science. If Space heard about this it would probably explode.
Jesus flew to the top of the tower, where he created an armchair, a little table with an inkwell and paper on it, both of which sat on top of a little rug. It wasn’t designed particularly tastefully, but it was comfortable.
Now that Jesus was comfortable, he moved onto his second priority. Was this coming up with 7 reasons that magic was better than science? No. It was making good on the promise he made to Space before leaving to deliberate on his own. Jesus dipped his quill into the inkwell on the table and slowly drew it across a page of paper, the first of many in the large stack on the table, forming the unmistakable two words: THE BIBLE. He wrote them in all capital letters, because this was an important title for an important book. The book could never be finished in one sitting, because there was so much more magic for Jesus and God to do, so a comprehensive list of all of their best magic and stories would never be completed for many, many years. However, Jesus could not think of a better time to get started.
Jesus sat there for several days writing the Bible. While he devoted no time to thinking up his 7 reasons, he inadvertently dedicated thought to them as he wrote about magic, and all the beautiful things that were part of magic. The Bible was a book made to make people love magic, God, and Jesus, so it wasn’t too far off from an argument with Space. However, there was one key difference. The Bible was nice. It was nice to the people Jesus was going to meet and going to convince to love magic, and God, and himself. The argument was not. Space was mean, and it was going to be hard to win the argument with Space. Unfortunately, Jesus knew there was no way to win other than being mean to Space, even though it made Jesus feel bad. While Jesus knew what he had to do, there was no shortage of worry about it. Jesus took a quick break from writing the Bible after a few days straight of drafting, and turned to the recently manifested telephone on the side table. He pressed a few buttons then held the phone to his ear.
“Hello? Who is this?”
“Hey God, It’s your son, Jesus. I’m currently in Space and I’m trying to convince it that Magic is good and better than science”
“Well that’s great!” God exclaimed, “I’m glad you’re spreading the good name of magic.”
“Here’s the issue, dad. Space is mean, and I’m going to have to be mean to him to prove science isn’t as good as magic. I know I love magic, but I also love being nice to people. I’d much rather be nice to Space, but if I am I know it won’t ever understand how good and cool magic is. What should I do?”
“Well, lucky for you son, I’m God, so I know everything. I’m also your dad, so I love you and will always tell you the right thing to do. This case will teach you a valuable lesson, that sometimes you have to be mean to do the right thing. In this case, you will have to be mean to Space to do the right thing”
“But I hate that! There has to be some other way! I thought you would know something more, dad.”
“Don’t forget Jesus, because I am God, I also make all the rules ever, and I made a rule just for this situation.”
God says this as he opens a giant book with “RULES'' emblazoned on it in a fiery red font. The words contain all the souls of everyone who has ever sinned and are currently burning in hell. Their pain and agony are converted into magic to make all the rules true.
“Every cloud has a silver lining.” God reads.
“What the fuck does that mean dad?”
“It means that with every bad thing, there is a good thing, so-”
“But I thought clouds were good? I love clouds, they’re so cute and fluffy. I think clouds are good things, and I love them. Why would you make them bad guys in your rule?”
“Oh Jesus, I am sorry, clouds are not bad guys, but because the rule is in the rule book it cannot be undone. Luckily, I was not talking about normal clouds. I was talking about evil clouds. Normal clouds are good guys, and they are filled with love, fluff, magic, and happiness.”
Jesus was filled with awe. His dad was so cool.
“The clouds I was talking about were evil clouds.” God reassured his son, “These clouds are angry, and bad, and make people upset. These are the clouds that needed a special rule. As I stated earlier, every one of these clouds has a silver lining. That teaches us the lesson that every bad thing also comes with a good thing. Even a bad situation like being mean to someone will eventually have something good come of it.”
“But how does this relate to my situation?”
“Because it is bad to be mean to Space, but not only will you be making a place in this world for magic, but you will be able to be nice to space later. If space understands and learns to love magic, you can be nice to it later.”
“Thank you dad, I love you.”
“I love you too Jesus”
And with that, Jesus hung up the phone. He was happy, and he felt better. Knowing he could be nice to Space later made the situation just a little bit better. Except, there was something off about the situation. God was not being entirely truthful. Well, he certainly wasn’t lying, but God’s response was intentionally misleading. As God had correctly stated earlier, he knows everything. God’s rule certainly was true, but the silver lining for this cloud was not that Jesus would get to be nice to Space, but that magic would prevail over science. God knew that Space would never accept science, win or lose. Jesus would never get to be nice to Space because Space would always be loyal to science. God felt bad for not telling his son the full truth, but this was life. Being God is a very hard job.
Jesus went on with his day unaware. After discussing the situation with his dad and spending several days writing the Bible, he was finally ready to start considering his argument. So, Jesus started with the first and most obvious reason that magic was better.

1. Magic is better than science because God said so and God knows everything.

In Jesus’s mind, this was a pretty foolproof argument. God knows everything, so if God says something, it must be true. However, he also figured that space would be a rather tough sell on this point. Regardless, it was an important point to Jesus, so he wrote it.

2. Magic is better because it can do more. I’m thinking of my arguments on top of this cool tower. You’re over there, with nothing. That’s what science gets you. Nothing. I have whatever I want because I have magic. Do you really think science is better after that?

Here, Jesus was trying his hand at being mean. This point was worded in a rather rude manner, much different from Jesus’s normal kind demeanor. He figured that if he had to be mean to Space, it would be better to start sooner rather than later. Jesus wasn’t done though. He was about to go even meaner for his next point. It was going to be personal.

3. You’re fatherless. Look at you. I have a dad, a magic dad, and we’re close. You have no father. Did you just appear here, or did your father leave you as a child because you were such a disappointment? Maybe if you liked magic you’d have a dad.

Yeah this was definitely a step up in the mean department. Jesus had never been this mean to anyone before, but he was doing it to Space. But Jesus didn’t know if he was going far enough. He probably had to be even meaner to Space to drive the point home.

4. Fuck you.

Wow, now you’ve done it Jesus. That was pretty far. A real step up. You’re really trying to escalate the situation now, aren’t you? This isn’t just a little bit mean, it’s seriously rude. This is the point of no return. Arguments 1-3? Yeah, you could’ve come back from that. This one? Nope, you’re shit out of luck. You couldn’t even be nice to Space after this if you tried.
Jesus figured he should walk his rudeness back a little bit with his next few arguments because that last one was a little far.

5. If science is better than magic, how come science can’t explain magic? If science aims to explain the universe, then how come science is unable to explain magic. To me, that seems like a shortcoming of science. Further, science has made no attempt to explain magic. There are plenty of natural phenomena that science cannot explain, but it still attempts to. Science’s complete lack of initiative in an attempt to define magic implies—to me at least—that science is afraid of magic, and knows it cannot win in a head to head competition.

A little long winded, sure, but it was a lot harder hitting and less rude than the previous points, so Jesus figured it was a good way to balance the others out.

6. Science is limited by what those studying it understand, while magic has no such bounds. Not only is magic more powerful, as was discussed in my first point, but it is far less limited as well. The possibilities open to those using magic are far greater than those limited by science.

Nice one Jesus! You’re on a roll. Another good point encouraging thought that’s rather hard to counter for Space. These are the kind of points we need more of. Let’s end it on a high note.

7. I spent most of my preparation time writing and talking to my dad. I didn't even need most of it. You spent your entire time thinking extremely hard about your points. That’s how effortless it is to prove magic is better. Checkmate.

This one was a risk, but if it landed, it would hit hard. Jesus didn’t know for sure if Space had spent all its time thinking so hard, but he was pretty sure it had. Again, it was a risky note to end on, but Jesus had faith.
Jesus was almost nervous. He knew he would come out on top with his airtight arguments in favor of magic, but he also knew what hung in the balance. He was afraid of disappointing his dad, and he knew he could never show his face to God again if he failed to win the argument. He was afraid he might even be condemned to an eternity sealed within the hellfire of the title on God’s rulebook. Jesus shivered at the thought.
Unfortunately, he had no choice. Jesus stepped off his tower and glided down gracefully using magic. Approaching the area where he had first met Space, he found Space waiting. Dismayed, Jesus feared his last point might fall flat, leading him to lose the argument. Jesus faced Space, an unsettling feeling in his stomach.
“Ready?” 

Chapter 3

Space was not enjoying its preparation time. It felt as if it was doomed to lose, and it knew that science could never win, but God and magic be damned. Space wasn’t going to go down without trying.
Space went into its single room apartment that it just invented. Using Science. The knowledge of architecture, electricity, useless stuff like theoretical physics, and even things modern humans don’t fully understand like gromtology were combined with the precision of a large hadron collider (That’s a really cool science invention that’s going to be invented later) to form the first computer. It was the fastest computer that the universe would see until the invention of the abacus.
Space began typing on a primitive version of Microsoft Word:

1. Science was invented to solve problems. Magic only causes problems, like big explosion magic. Now I have to talk to Jesus (problem).

This one was more just Space venting its frustration. It knew magic could solve problems, but conveniently ignored this.

2. Everything in existence is made of science. Living things are made of cells*, cells are made out of molecules, molecules are made of atoms, and atoms are made of science. And to top it off, you need science (microscopes) to see them.

Space thought this point would be a grand slam. This analogy would later be analyzed by both magic and science scholars as baseball is a game that controls both science and magic. However, with the eventual rise of Space Ball, this would eventually return to the side of science.

3. Space formed from nothing. You came out of an old guy’s balls. Yeah that’s right. Science can create things better than magic and also from nothing. Science has always existed, and God had to invent magic for it to exist. Loser.

This point was kinda mean. Little did Space know, Jesus was also getting a tad mean in his own arguments. So, I guess it's not that bad.

4. Science invented language, and language can be used to insult people. Like this: Fuck you, Jesus.

This, coincidentally, was also the invention of dramatic irony.

5. Magic is stupid. Science cannot explain magic. Everything I know can be explained by science, so magic is dumb.

Space had to admit to itself that these points were getting weaker. It reassured itself that the first four would be a complete blowout so the last three didn’t matter as much. Jesus would probably just give up by this point anyway.

6. The Bible is the only magic book. There are so many science books that they had to make it into a genre. By the way, that’s nonfiction, and it's like half of all books.

The whole book argument kinda relied on the fact that books about science would be written in the future by people who don’t exist yet. But, it was true. God knew everything and if you asked God even he would agree, because it was true.

7. I don’t even need a 7th point because I won the first six.

This would be an even grander slam than the first grand slam if Space won the first six points. This whole point relied on that. It would be more of a super strike out** if he got this prediction wrong. Space used science to invent a microphone just to be dropped at this moment.

In a rush, Space headed back to the meeting area. If nothing else, it had confidence. It was going to face Jesus with the confidence it knew it had in science. It was mere moments later that Jesus appeared out of the void to face Space. As Jesus walked up to it, he stared into the vast emptiness of Space.
“Ready?” Jesus asked.
“Ready.”

Chapter 4

Just as the debate was about to reach its heated beginnings, the two rowdy primordial beings realized that there was no one to determine a winner. Space would clearly think all of its points were better, and Jesus would clearly prefer all of his. For a fraction of a second, they thought they could simply invent a judge for the competition, but neither party trusted the other for this task.
“Hello?”
“What is it, Jesus?”
“Well, dad, I’m about to have this argument with Space about whether science or magic is better, but how could we decide? We both have our points, but we don’t have any way to choose a winner”
“That’s very smart!” God chuckled and kicked his feet in the air on his bed. He was excited to have such a smart son like Jesus. “I’ll create a judge for you, but be warned, such a fair and powerful judge cannot just disappear after the competition is over. You’ll have to become friends with him and teach him about all the good and nice things in this world.”
“Ok, dad, thank you so much. I know you will create the best judge ever for us!”
And so God took out his book of rules and a pen with which to write a new rule. The agony and suffering of all the souls that had ever sinned fueled such a book. Anything written in this book would be an inherent law of the universe and could never be changed. And so God wrote three new rules that day.

There shall be created an impartial judge named THANOS. He will be completely neutral and balanced, as all things should be. He will be able to judge fairly, and his decisions will always be unbiased. He will be purple, the color of THAN.

It is important to know that the prefix THAN is derived from the Greek God Thanatos. This is completely irrelevant because it is a lie. The Greeks were actually really stupid and had no idea what THAN actually meant. THAN has nothing to do with death, instead it relates to the every changing neutrality of the universe. Each reaction has an equal and opposite reaction as Isaac Neutron said. However, his name would later be changed to Newton in an attempt to sell more fig stuffed snacks. The universe continually strives to reach a state of equilibrium, and it is embodied by THAN. While the entomology of it is lost and only known to God and perchance some select Super Scientists, THAN would at this very instance be struck down as meaning fair and balanced. Purple, being the color of THAN, balances the colors of red and blue. Red adds the trait of evil to THAN which is mitigated by the good of blue. While green describes that of good rather than the blue of THAN, pure good destroys evil. So in that regard, adding green would make THAN completely good rather than completely balanced. THAN personifies these small interactions and details across the universe continually counteracting each other to create a net zero interaction.

To Balance out the fairness of THANOS and commit his existence to universal law, I will also create GOODOS, a being which is unwaveringly good. A GOOD GUY who’s GOODNESS surpasses the GOODNESS of even my own son, Jesus. He will be a beacon of GOOD for the universe, and he will be green because green is the color of GOOD.

There must be a weight on the other side of the scale as well, and that weight will be named BADOS. BADOS will be just like GOODOS in every way except instead of being the GOODEST GOOD GUY in the universe, he will be the BADDEST BAD GUY. BADOS will be completely BAD and will never be GOOD. He will also be red, because it is the color of BAD.

And with that, God shut his giant hell-book of rules. The thick cover of the tome shut with a large thud. This was one heavy book! Moments after the book closed, God hung up the phone. Even without a farewell, God’s message was clear: you’re on your own now, suckers.
After their creation Goodos and Bados both immediately teleported to opposite sides of the universe to sow the seeds of Good and Bad respectively. They would not be seen again for hundreds of millions of years.
“Jesus will start with his first point, promptly followed by that of Space.”
Space and Jesus swiveled around to see a remarkably than purple-faced figure sitting on a throne behind them. He had a large chin, no hair, and was wearing gold covered armor on his chest. In front of the chair lay a desk that covered most of his lower half. However, due to the unpredictable nature of space and teleportation, the desk was slightly lower than expected. As he had not predicted this, the purple man did not bring a pair of pants. Due to these series of coincidences, the 3-foot purple saber of a penis revealed itself to the two science and magic lovers who just had to act like it was normal.
“Point one,” Jesus started. “Magic is better than science because God said so and God knows everything.”
Space was alarmed. It knew it had no chance against this strand of logic. Nevertheless, it mustered all of the courage it had in its infinite body and spoke.
“Science was invented to solve problems. Magic only causes problems, like big explosion magic. Now I have to talk to Jesus (problem).”
Jesus, seeing an easily exploitable loophole in this logic, took his chance. Jesus manifested a giant ball of magic, and held it above his head. Space watched as the glowing orb slowly materialized into a pair of pants, which once completely immediately appeared on Thanos’s lower half.
“There.” Said Jesus smugly. “Magic just solved a problem.”
“Because Jesus’s first point is true and God knows everything, and because Space’s first point was proved to be dumb and stupid by Jesus, I hereby award the first point to Jesus. The score is 1 to 0, Jesus.”
If Space had a mouth it would be entirely agape. The very first segment of the argument ended in an outstanding victory for its opponent. Space was devastated. His last point would be a bust. It’d have to really be on a roll with the next couple to even stand a chance at winning this. Briefly, a world where Jesus won flashed before where Space’s eyes would have been if Space had eyes. A world where Jesus didn’t go away forever would be horrible. Space couldn’t imagine sharing an eternity with a magic man who thought magic was cooler than science.
“Space will start with point two as Jesus started the round prior,” rationally stated Thanos in a very than manner.
Space stumbled across its notes, dropping a few pages in the process. Finally, it pulls out one with a massive “2” labeled on it.
“Everything in existence is made of science. Living things are made of cells, cells are made out of molecules, molecules are made of atoms, and atoms are made of science. And to top it off, you need science (microscopes) to see them.” As these words left Space’s talk hole, its confidence score grew by 17 points.
Jesus didn’t like the sound of this one. His argument was pretty solid, he thought, but Space’s would be hard to discredit. Regardless, all he could do now was declare his second point.
“Magic is better because it can do more. I’m thinking of my arguments on top of this cool tower. You’re over there, with nothing. That’s what science gets you. Nothing. I have whatever I want because I have magic. Do you really think science is better after that?”
Space could almost laugh at the stupidity of Jesus’s claim.
“Nothing? Nothing? Oh boy Jesus you really slipped up there.”
Space motioned towards its single room apartment, modestly positioned on the 4th floor of a 7 story apartment building. The view wasn’t too much, sure, but it was better than nothing. Space had paid the small additional fee to be able to keep a pet in its room, though it currently had none. Space planned to get a cat one day. There was a little courtyard garden, parking for one car with an available package for a second if the tenant was willing to pay a little bit extra. It was modest, but it was nice.
“You call that nothing, Jesus?” Space said extremely smugly.
Jesus was stricken with woe, an expression of utter defeat written on his face. That was absolutely not nothing. It was impressive, and certainly a fine goal to aspire to. Any man with that apartment may not have much, but they absolutely wouldn’t have nothing. Jesus was on the verge of tears.
Thanos delivered his judgment.
“Jesus’s point has been proved to be wrong and stupid, and Space has a very good point, so Space will be awarded this round. The score stands as Jesus 1, Space 1.”
Jesus didn’t feel too great. He was getting scared. He knew magic was better, but he had no idea what he would do if he lost this argument. Either way, he had to keep going. As he had gone first the first round, and Space had gone first the second round, so Jesus figured it would be his turn to go first the third round.
“Jesus, we’re waiting.” Thanos said.
On the upside, Jesus was right. On the downside, Jesus was holding up the conversation being lost in his thoughts. What an assoholic bitch.
“You’re fatherless. Look at you. I have a dad, a magic dad, and we’re close. You have no father. Did you just appear here, or did your father leave you as a child because you were such a disappointment? Maybe if you liked magic you’d have a dad.”
Oh yeah. That one stung. The look on where space’s face would’ve been if it had a face was great. Space was angry now.
“Space formed from nothing. You came out of an old guy’s balls. Yeah that’s right. Science can create things better than magic and also from nothing. Science has always existed, and God had to invent magic for it to exist. Loser.”
Jesus fell over. He absolutely was not ready for that one. Some old guy’s balls? How dare Space say that. The worst part about it though wasn’t that it hurt, but that Space was probably right.
“Jesus, get up off your ass!” Thanos boomed.
Jesus fought to regain his composition. He was probably gonna lose this one.
“Space wins, both for having a better argument, and because Jesus fell on his ass and made himself look silly. Space leads 2-1.” Thanos declared.
Space existed there Smugly. Jesus was on the verge of breakdown. It was not going well for Jesus. This next point was going to have to be amazing.
“Space, your turn to go.” Said Thanos. “Try not to embarrass yourself like Jesus just did.”
“Science invented language, and language can be used to insult people. Like this: Fuck you, Jesus.”
Jesus was flabbergasted. That was just his point but better.
“Jesus, your turn”
“No.”
“What did you say to me?”
“No.”
“Jesus.”
“No.”
“Jesus this is the last time I’m going to ask, you’ll be disqualified and Space will win if you don’t give your point.”
“Fine,” Jesus sighed. “My fourth point is ‘Fuck you’”
“Wow Jesus,” Thanos sighed. That’s a new low. I’m disappointed and that’s just like Space’s point but worse. I don’t even want to hear a discussion. Space leads 3-1. I barely even want to hear your next argument at this point, but I’m obligated to by my than nature.”
Jesus prepared himself. If he didn’t win these next 3 points in a row, he’d have to leave the world forever, and admit that science was better than magic.
“Jesus, present your fifth point.”
Jesus emotionally prepared himself
“If science is better than magic, how come science can’t explain magic? If science aims to explain the universe, then how come science is unable to explain magic. To me, that seems like a shortcoming of science. Further, science has made no attempt to explain magic. There are plenty of natural phenomena that science cannot explain, but it still attempts to. Science’s complete lack of initiative in an attempt to define magic implies—to me at least—that science is afraid of magic, and knows it cannot win in a head to head competition.”
That was a pretty good point by Jesus, finally. Took him long enough.
“Well, Jesus. That’s a lot better. You might actually give Space a run for its money this time. Space, your turn.”
“Magic is stupid. Science cannot explain magic. Everything I know can be explained by science, so magic is dumb.”
“Really, Space? That’s the best you can do?” Thanos scoffed.
“Well,” Space stammered, “The reason science can’t explain magic is because it doesn’t feel like it. It proves magic is even dumber because science doesn’t feel like explaining it.”
“But that’s not a satisfactory answer, Space. Like I said, science seeks out answers, and admitting it ‘doesn’t feel like it’ just further proves the point that it isn’t able to explain it. Your response only strengthens my assertion that science is afraid of magic.”
“That’s not true!” Space retorted.
“And you’re completely unable to prove that, Space.” Jesus said, much more confidently than before. “There would be much more honor in simply ceding this point.”
“BUT-”
Space’s last ditch attempt at an argument was cut off by Thanos’s decision.
“Jesus wins this round, Space still leads 3 to 2.”
Space growled angrily.
“Space, watch it.” Thanos grumbled. “It’s your turn to go first.”
Space cleared what would’ve been its throat if Space had a throat. Space really wished it had a throat, and if science won it would probably use it to invent itself a throat. That would be nice, Space thought.
“The Bible is the only magic book. There are so many science books that they had to make it into a genre. By the way, that’s nonfiction, and it's like half of all books.”
This was a bit of a tough point to prove wrong, but Jesus was still pretty confident in his last point, so he threw it out there without much hesitation.
“Science is limited by what those studying it understand, while magic has no such bounds. Not only is magic more powerful, as was discussed in my first point, but it is far less limited as well. The possibilities open to those using magic are far greater than those limited by science.”
The room(?) fell silent. Everyone could tell Jesus’s point was better, but before Thanos could lay down a decision, Space jutted in.
“Can you disprove my point, Jesus?”
“Of course, Space. There’s no science books at all right now. In fact, this disproves the credibility of science even more, because I have started writing The Bible, so there are more magic books than science books.”
Space made a straining noise, and two large volumes popped into existence in front of it. Jesus looked down, and examining the covers of each book could tell the titles read:

Microbiology: Laboratory Theory and Application, Brief (Looseleaf)
by Michael J. Leboffe and Burton E. Pierce

Peterson Field Guide To Freshwater Fishes, Second Edition / Edition 2
by Lawrence M. Page and Brooks M. Burr

“Look, Jesus. I just invented two science books. They are full of science, and you could learn a lot about the science that will soon rule this universe. Unfortunately, after you lose, you will also be kicked out forever, so it doesn’t matter if you know about the science I will cover the universe with.”
“That may be true Space, but two books is not enough to deserve a whole genre. How can you prove there will be enough science books to need a whole genre?”
“Glad you asked, Jesus. Do me a favor and phone up your old man for me.”
Jesus hesitated, then picked up the phone.
“Dad, Space wants to ask you something?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be very than of me to refuse to answer its question. I did make Thanos after all, so if I decided to take sides now I’d be putting all my effort to waste. I’m here to answer the question whenever Space is ready.”
Jesus handed the phone to Space, who took a second to compose itself. It needed God’s support to win this point, but Space did not like God. God was the inventor of magic after all, and if Space hadn’t made it abundantly clear already, Space hated magic. Once Space was ready, it spoke.
“God, you know everything, right?”
“That is certainly right, Space.”
“So, let me ask you. Will there be more science books in the future?”
“Yes, there certainly will be, Space.”
“So, God, if you know there will be more, how many more will there be. No need to give an exact number, just give a general feeling for how many science books will be made.”
“Well, if I had to say, I’d say there’d be enough books to make a whole genre. In fact, this genre would be so big that it’s half of all books ever. They’ll eventually call this genre of books nonfiction, because it's such an impressive amount of books, that anyone who downplayed the size of the genre would certainly be making a fictitious claim”
Space’s confidence score grew by a whopping 23 points after this. This point was surely in the bag, and with it Space would win the argument. After the win, it would read off its last point and drop its recently invented microphone.
“One second, Space.” Jesus interjected, “Hand me the phone.”
Space was startled by Jesus’s burst of confidence after taking such a hit, but nonetheless handed the phone back to Jesus.
“Space, you said there’s only one magic book, correct?”
“Clearly.”
Jesus turned to the phone
“Dad, how did you make Goodos, Bados, and Thanos?”
Space was surprised. Space possessed none of the necessary facial features to express this surprise, but the shift in mood was clear. Space knew what was about to happen.
“Well, I wrote down the spell for their creation in my magic book of course!”
A scream of agony escaped Space’s scream hole.
Jesus smiled. Thanos seemed to have made a conclusion.
“Jesus wins, both by virtue of having a good point, and by disproving the core of Space’s argument, which relied on the fact that there was only one magic book. The debate is tied, 3 to 3”
Following the declaration, Thanos slammed his massive hands down onto the slightly too low desk in front of him.
“Because the score is tied and than, it is only fair to take a lunch break. Both parties will sit and eat lunch to ease the tensions going into the final point.”
And with that, it was true. Thanos said it, and Thanos was the judge because he was so than and everything he said was fair and balanced, so if he determined it was time for a lunch break, it absolutely was time for a lunch break. The only question now was what to have for lunch.
While the meal was not named at the time, for convenience’s sake while telling the story it will be referred to by the name historians would give it a billion years later when trying to name all the things that happened before they were born

Chapter 5

The first supper began promptly. A giant table appeared between Jesus and Space, stretching on infinitely in both directions. There were lots of things to consume there, but because normal food hadn’t been invented yet, only prefoods adorned the table. These objects would one day grow into the foods we know and love today, but they absolutely were not there yet. Thanos, being the icon of than that he was, had put an even split of magic and science prefoods on the table.
“So, this is a nice break from the argument, I guess.” Jesus said, picking up a slubber, a magic prefood that looked just like a banana but was red and tasted like fire.
“Yeah, you could say that.” Space said. Space was clearly more annoyed than Jesus, and was not enjoying the supper as much. Ironically, this meant that Space needed the supper more.
Jesus peeled the slubber and took a bite. He spat it out immediately. There is a reason no modern foods taste like fire, because fire is a very unpleasant thing to taste.
Space let a muffled squeak out of its laugh hole. Clearly it found this amusing. The supper seemed to be helping.
Space, for its part, also picked something up off the table. Space had made the unfortunate choice of a gockle, a science prefood that was shaped like a long thin rod. Space bit into it, and was the only entity to ever enjoy a gockle. This is because Space had no taste buds, and a gockle tastes like pain. Space finished the gockle and moved onto a chuz. The chuz was a little silver cube which was impossible to bite into. Despite having an immaculate taste and immense nutritional value, the chuz could not be eaten. This didn’t stop Space from trying though.
Jesus wasn’t faring much better on his end of the table. Jesus’s second choice was a spugle, which very closely resembled a modern day pear, except for the fact that it was loaded with nerve endings and pain receptors. The spugle could feel every bite, and it was also given a mouth with which to express its discomfort.
After a minute or two of struggling with the chuz, space decided to try striking up a conversation with Jesus again.
“So, do you think you’ve got a good final point?”
“Of course, and you Space?”
“Well, I think my final point might be my best. It’s a tour de force, if I do say so myself.”
Both of them said this knowing their points were abysmal and simply hoping the other had somehow managed to write a worse point, though neither found this outcome particularly likely.
“How is that one room apartment of yours, Space? You briefly mentioned it earlier but it sounds nice. I haven’t created much around here yet and I was wondering what you had set up.”
Space wasn’t all too happy with Jesus’s use of the word yet, as it implied he would be sticking around much longer. Nonetheless, Space figured it would be harmless to answer.
“Well, it’s definitely not much, but it's more than nothing. The bed is pretty comfortable, and it feels pretty homey. I think a bigger place would be nice, but I don’t want to complain about what I have. In time I’ll find something a bit nicer, but for now I’m here. The rent is good though, and I’ll–”
Space’s simple monologue about his living situation was cut off by a blood curdling scream. Jesus had bitten into the spugle.
This presented a bit of an issue, as the spugle would not stop screaming. This makes sense if you put yourself in the spugle’s shoes. If someone had just taken a massive bite out of your lower half, you’d probably continue to scream for some time. Jesus tried taking a few more bites, but the spugle’s screams of pain continued.
“Just try biting off its mouth?” Space posited.
Without replying, Jesus bit off the spugle’s tiny screaming mouth. The sound stopped, and the supper was peaceful once again. The spugle was still in excruciating pain, but it no longer had a mouth with which to scream.
Jesus set the spugle down on the table, reluctant to take another bite after that whole ordeal. This was probably the worst thing he could do, however, as the spugle continued to lay there in unbelievable agony. Putting the unfortunate magical prefood out of its misery would have been much kinder. Unfortunately, Jesus had no way of knowing the spugle was still suffering. Such is life.
By this point. Space had long since abandoned the chuz and had picked up yet another science prefood. It chose a goor, which wasn’t great but it was at least better than Jesus’s spugle. The goor, a science prefood like all the others on Space’s side of the table, was more akin to a highly viscous brown liquid than a food. The plate the goor came on also graciously included a ladle with which to consume it, a thoughtful addition.
“Space, do you think we could ever be friends?”
Space was caught off guard by this question, but it didn’t have to think long to come up with its answer.
“No. In fact, Jesus, I think if you win the argument and I have to spend another second with you in my perfect science universe, I would probably explode.”
“Oh, that’s well, disheartening.” Jesus admitted. He had hoped Space had reconsidered.
“Yep.” Space responded dryly. It poked at the goor, which had been rather pleasant up until this point, but had begun to excrete a foul stench. The goor was a quite stinky prefood.
“That’s a shame, I was hoping I could be nice to you after all this.”
“You win some, you lose some.” Space was entirely disinterested in the idea of being redeemed in Jesus’s eyes.
Jesus would have said something in response to Space’s comment, but by this point the stench of the goor had become entirely unbearable and Jesus was breathing through his mouth rather than speaking with it.
“Would you mind getting rid of that thing?” Jesus choked out, “It’s starting to smell pretty bad.”
Space used science to invent a scented trash bag, which it poured the rest of the reeking goor into before tossing it a few feet away from the dining table.
A few minutes after the failure with the goor, Space was back to gnawing at the chuz. It hadn’t made any progress, but it was worth trying a bit more. Jesus had also finally performed a coup de grace on the dying spugle, and poked around the table for another prefood to try. He briefly considered another spugle, because after all it did taste pretty good, but dropped the idea after Space shot him an “absolutely-the-fuck-not look”. Jesus did, however, pick up a bowl of eebs, magical prefoods that looked sort of like beans, but they were not beans and they were alive and squirming in the dish. Despite their appearance, they tasted divine.
“When do you want to get back to the discussion?” Jesus asked.
“I don’t know, probably pretty soon. I feel like we ought to get it over with, and I’m getting tired of chewing on this cube thing.”
“I’m actually quite enjoying some of the food.” Jesus said, shoving another handful of eebs into his mouth.
Conveniently, Thanos spoke for the first time during the meal to break the tie.
“The lunch break will end in 10 minutes. Before we end however, God would like to have a word with both of you. He called me and I put him on speakerphone.”
“Jesus and Space! How was that meal?”
“It sure was interesting, dad.”
“The cube thing fucking sucked.”
“It’s pretty good for you, Space. You know that, right?” God responded, a tinge of hurt in his voice.
“Yeah well maybe if I could bite into the damn thing then I’d know that.”
“Whoa horsie!” God exclaimed. “Getting a little riled up, aren’t we?”
“Don’t worry, dad, that bowl of weird living things tastes great!” Jesus reassured God, right before dumping even more eebs into his mouth.
“That’s great, Son!” God said, evidently excited. He pulled out a notebook with all the names of the prefoods on it and made a little checkmark next to “eebs”.
“Well, I should be going now, I’ll leave you two to finish the meal and get back to that discussion of yours. I love you, Jesus.”
“I love you too, dad”
And with that, God hung up. For the rest of the meal, neither party touched the prefoods on the table. Jesus seemed content with the rest of the bowl of eebs, and Space had given up on the chuz and didn’t seem particularly interested in trying anything else. After the 10 minutes had elapsed, the table disappeared, taking all the prefoods with it. The void in which Space, Jesus, and Thanos were in returned to the prefoodless state it had been in prior to the first supper. Despite the questionable quality of some of the sustenance, both Space and Jesus were somewhat refreshed, so the meal had served its purpose.
“The lunch break is hereby concluded, and Jesus will give his final point, then Space will follow. The winner of this round will decide the winner of the entire competition.”

Chapter 6

“I spent most of my preparation time writing and talking to my dad. I didn't even need most of it. You spent your entire time thinking extremely hard about your points. That’s how effortless it is to prove magic is better. Checkmate.”
Jesus’s point was not particularly amazing, but it did prove he had a little bit of an edge. The score was tied, but clearly Jesus had put less effort into planning, so surely Jesus would have been winning if he had been trying a little harder. It was far from airtight though, and if Space could retort with something impressive it would win and be able to kick Jesus out forever.
“I don’t even need a 7th point because I won the first six.”
Space’s final point was such a disappointment not just because it was bad, but because it was completely untrue. Space had not won the first six points, and on top of that Space absolutely needed a seventh point. It could even be argued that Space needed a good seventh point more than it had needed a good point for any part before. This was an extremely bad turn of events for Space.
Thanos needed little convincing as to who had made a better final point, but decided to give the two opponents one final chance to argue in favor of their sides, just because he was that fair and than.
Space, however, had nothing to say. Space knew there was no fighting it. Space sat there as a sputtering mess, unable to cry because it had nothing to cry from, but it was still very clearly crying. It hadn’t officially lost yet, but it knew that there was no way it could ever recover from this. Space’s confidence score fell to zero. It would’ve gone negative if it could, but it couldn’t. On the contrary however, space’s unconfidence score rose by several dozen points.
There was a long period of awkward silence. Space was crying, Thanos looked on judgingly, and Jesus just kind of stood there. Jesus did not want to do what he was about to do, but he had no other choice. His dad had told him that sometimes he would need to be mean for the sake of good.
“So, is it safe to say I have the stronger point this round?”
“Yes,” Thanos replied. “While your point is not amazing by any means, it is certainly stronger than Space’s point and is technically true. Space’s point is not even true.”
Space began to wail.
“Jesus wins the point, ending the discussion with a 4 to 3 lead over Space. The discussion has now come to a close, as it has been decided that magic is cooler than science. As I am the judge for this contest, I hereby declare Jesus the winner, and all terms and conditions agreed to prior to the discussion must be fulfilled. Space, as the initiator of the discussion, please name the terms and conditions agreed upon following your loss.”
“T-t-t-there were none!” Space sputtered in between sniffles. “I d-d-didn’t think I c-could lose…”
Space continued to cry following its pathetic declaration.
“That’s not true, Space.” Thanos said disappointedly. “You did mention what would happen following your loss. You should have been more careful with your wording. You should know better than to lie to me, Space.”
Thanos pulled out a little remote and clicked a button on it, and a projector and screen popped into existence. The projector turned on and played a little movie, except it was not a movie, but a recording of Space and Jesus talking. It seemed to be taken right after the two first met, and started with Space rambling to Jesus mid-sentence.
“–to write your book full of lies. I will not be telling you what happens if you win, because you can’t win, because you’re stupid. If you win this, I will probably blow up or something because magic can never be better than science.”
“Space.” Thanos said condescendingly. “You said you would blow up if you lost the argument.”
“PROBABLY!” Space blurted out.
“Well, probably is better than nothing. And if you had set no prior conditions and lost, there would be serious repercussions.”
“Like what?”
“It’s a secret.” Thanos said, waving his index finger.
Jesus wasn’t happy about this. He didn’t want Space to blow up. Sure, he wanted to win, but he certainly didn’t want to see the first thing he met in this universe die.
“Space, you don’t have to blow up. You can stay with me. We can be nice to each other. We can live together. I’ll even cook. We can be friends, Space. We don’t have to fight anymore. This can all be over and you don’t have to die. Please Space.”
“No.” Thanos said. “Space has to blow up now.”
Space resumed its wailing.
Fissures appeared throughout Space as it began to splinter and crack. Light poured out of the cracks as Jesus and Thanos looked on. A few moments later, it happened. In a blindingly bright flash of light, Space exploded. Both Jesus and Thanos, probably closer to the explosion than they should have been, were covered in chunks of Space. This made Jesus noticeably nauseous. Thanos was not nervous. He was waiting.
If nothing else, Space’s death was spectacular. With it, the void that Jesus, Thanos, and Space inhabited was filled with a host of beautiful things. Trillions of planets, stars, rocks, gasses, and a ton of other stuff sprung from Space’s lifeless corpse, populating the universe. Sure, Space was dead, but at least everything was a lot prettier now.
Jesus was also alone now. Thanos was nowhere to be found. Somewhere in between all the exploding, Thanos had disappeared, leaving Jesus very, very, alone in the now slightly brighter but still very dark expanse. Jesus thought he’d name this expanse space, after the first thing he ever met in the universe. That was a nice way to remember space.
One thing that should be mentioned though, is that Space was also full of gravity, and because of that Space, Jesus, and Thanos had all enjoyed nice gravity up until now. All the chunks of Space flung throughout the universe still had all of Space’s gravity, but the area Jesus was in no longer had any. So, Jesus just floated in space for a while. He knew he’d have to call his dad soon, but he needed a minute to compose himself. He had really hoped that Space would come around, and now it was dead. Yeah, Jesus would call his dad in a minute after he has some time to think.
“Hey, dad.”
“What’s wrong Jesus? You sound sad.”
“Well, Space just died and blew up. That’s got me kind of depressed.”
“I’m sorry, Jesus. That’s horrible.”
God really felt for his son. He knew things would end this way, but it didn’t make it any easier to watch. He knew he’d be ok in the end, but he also understood that this would be a tough time for Jesus. Luckily, there was a contingency for this. God was omnipotent, so he could do anything and knew everything.
“Jesus. Something tells me you should go back to your tower. I have a feeling there’s something waiting there for you.”
“Dad, I love you, but I don’t think anything could cheer me up right now. Probably not even a giant heaping bowl of eebs.”
This did concern God, but he knew things would be okay for Jesus. This was all part of his plan after all. Future God from a billion years in the future had sent something back to Jesus’s tower to cheer him up. Future God knew everything, because he was God, and God knows everything. Future God sent the one thing in the universe that could make Jesus feel better.
“Trust me on this one Jesus, it’ll make things better.”
“Ok, dad. Do a teleportation spell to get me back to my tower in space.”
“Oh you’re calling this vast expanse space now? That’s cute. Off you go!”
Jesus appeared back at the top of his tower. He sat down in his armchair. He hadn’t been here since before the argument with Space. Thinking about that hurt. Jesus didn’t know what God meant, but this definitely wasn’t helping. The room was still sparsely decorated as Jesus had left it, but there was one new notable addition. Apart from the chair, table, Bible draft, and telephone, a large television sat in the corner. Jesus walked over to it, curious. On top of the TV sat a tape with a bow and a nice handwritten note stuck to it.

Hey, Jesus pal, you’re gonna really like this! Hehehehehehehehehehehe!

- P.G.

Welp. Jesus sure hoped so. He carried the TV over to the center of the room, did a spell to create a table, and set the TV up on the table. Putting the tape into the thoughtfully included VHS player, Jesus sat back to watch. He had no idea how this could help, but he trusted his dad and knew he had his best interest in mind. So, a skeptical Jesus hit the play button on the remote, and opened his mind to the possibility of this tape helping.
Jesus could have never imagined what he would see on that tape. He never could have known what life-changing material it held, but after a few moments he finally understood. As the tape played, Jesus felt different. Things weren’t so depressing anymore. As Jesus sat there, it really did seem like all he saw was violence in movies and sex on TV. Jesus felt like there was no reason to live after Space died, but now it was different. But now? Now there was a family guy. A man who positively could do all the things that made Jesus laugh and cry. Jesus had never met such a guy before, but there was no mistaking it. He was a family guy. 

Epilogue

Unlike Jesus, Thanos was not particularly disturbed by Space’s death. In fact, he was hoping this would happen. Sure, Thanos was born yesterday, but he wasn’t stupid. He knew what would happen if Space blew up, and he wanted to be there for it. Thanos was created as a being of fairness, the truest embodiment of than. He was created to solve a dispute, but was not content existing only to arbitrate a sole conflict. He was the preeminent authority of than. He had much more important duties than that. Thanos would keep the universe a fair and than place, but to do that he needed more power. He was powerful now, sure, but he needed to be able to do much more than that to preside over a than universe.
When Thanos was created, he was created with the necessary knowledge of the universe to be than. He knew of some of the most powerful objects in the universe so that he could preserve the nature of than. If any cataclysmic shift to either good or bad happened, Thanos could return the balance by utilizing these artifacts of immense power. Yet, Thanos was not born with this power. That would not be fair or than. What was than was Thanos knowing how to achieve this power after putting in the necessary work or time. Apparently, this was how things worked.
So now, Thanos floated in the void. While billions upon billions of chunks flew away from Space upon its death and populated the universe, one tiny object remained at the center. A stone small enough to fit in Thanos’s mouth. Thanos had a really big mouth though, so maybe that’s not a great expression for its size. Either way, it was small. A tiny stone in an ever expanding universe. A microscopic needle in an infinitely large haystack. Luckily, Thanos knew some magic, and he did a spell to make it teleport into his hand. Sometimes it really is that easy.
Thanos held the small blue stone in front of his face. The faint glow emanating from the stone illuminated Thanos’s large, purple face. He decided to name it the Space stone, because it was a remnant of Space’s corpse. Admiring the stone, Thanos decided it would be a perfect time to talk to it. He was alone in an empty void, no one was watching, it would be fine.
“Oh, you’re going to be very useful to me.”
“Daddy?”
This was not what Thanos expected. The stone was not supposed to respond. Why did it do that. Like really, what? Why? It didn’t have a mouth, or lungs, because it was a rock. Thanos had no idea how it could speak. Well, Thanos was born yesterday, so he wasn’t too used to everything. The truth was, this stone could speak because it was a magic rock. This rock was so powerful because it was magic, and it was so full of magic that it glowed. Thanos had indeed found a very special rock. Regardless, Thanos ran with it.
“Oh yes. I am your dad.”
“Thank you, Thanos. I love having you as my daddy.”
Thanos was immediately thrown for another loop. In a few moments he had accepted that the stone could speak, but now it was forming full sentences and knew his name. That was wrong. That shouldn’t be happening. Well, Thanos needed this stone. Yeah it was a bit creepy, but he’d have to suck it up and deal with it.
“So daddy, what are we going to do together? I love you. Should we kiss? That would be a very fun thing to do, Thanos. I would like to kiss you right now, if you’ll let me. You are my daddy and I love you and I think we should kiss.”
Thanos was not having this. He had given the stone two massive chances already, and was not about to give it a third. This was a step too far.
“The first thing you will be doing son, is going on a long adventure in my pocket.”
“OH BOY THAT SOUNDS LIKE FU-” The Space stone screamed, and was cut off as it slid into the pocket on Thanos’s newly invented pants. Eventually he’d need to find a better way to keep it quiet. If it was already this annoying to deal with, it definitely wasn’t going to get better. As Thanos drifted in the void, he thought of all the ways he could shut the stone up. Maybe he’d make a little box for it, or put it on a piece of jewelry. It was a pretty stone after all. Who was he kidding, Thanos knew what he would do with it, but first he would need the other 5 stones. Thanos only hoped that the others wouldn’t try to speak to him. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 1

“I am Agar.io, the first being to walk this earth and from me will come a line of trillions of creatures who will become the machinations of this world. I am the beginning. The progenitor. Soon I will die but even after a billion years I will exist in the genetic sequences of my offspring. My life will exist in everything that follows.”
Moments later, everything cut to black. The radio playing the recording of Agar.io’s speech cut off, and Agar.io moved into frame to face the camera.
“Yep, that’s me.” Agar.io said. “I bet you’re wondering how I got here.”
Agar.io took a deep breath. This would be a long one.
“It all began when Space exploded. The infinite nothingness of the universe became an infinite somethingness. From this, God created everything. On the first day, God created the stars, but it was just too fucking bright. He made too many of them. On the second day, God made the darkness between the stars, having been inspired by the deceased Space. On the third day, God created the planets, including my future home, Earth. God took a break on the fourth day to watch Family Guy with Jesus. On the fifth day, God tripped and destroyed the entire universe. On the sixth day, he did everything over again, and made another universe to compensate. He made King Yemma to send souls to either Hell in his rulebook or the Heaven, God’s house, depending on if they were a bad guy or a good guy. On the seventh day, God watched football. I was made on the secret eighth day that no one has heard about.”
Agar.io cleared his ‘throat’ and looked down at his notes. As previously stated, this was a long one.
“I started my life happy, as most people do. I had nothing to tie me down, no parents, no children, no lover. I was the only thing on Earth, and despite my freedom and happiness, I was bored, because being alone is boring. I sat alone for a million years before I asked God for help.
‘God, I feel very alone. I have nothing and no one. I am Agar.io, and I have been free to roam this planet for a million years. I am lonely, and I need compassion from another being like myself. Whatever shall I do’
‘Oh Agar.io, my creation, the chosen son of the Earth and progenitor of all future life, why would I place you here if not to bring into existence all future beings?’
‘Oh God, I know that must be true, but how could I do that? How could I bring that about with no one else here.’
‘Agar.io,’ God chuckled, ‘You have so much to learn. Two words. Cell division.’
God looked at me and did a big smile and disappeared, and I felt loved.
At this point I was confused, and I didn’t know what God meant. He was pretty cool because he made me, but his clue wasn’t helping. I got frustrated. In fact, I got so frustrated that I nearly popped a blood vessel (Agar.io did not have blood vessels, this was merely an expression which the audience could understand). I was straining so hard that a few seconds later and with a loud pop, and next to me stood an exact copy of myself. I decided to name him Agar.io 2.”
This revelation was unbelievable. Cell division? I could have never guessed. The implications for such an advancement were insane.
“I realized very quickly that I could keep doing it. I made this realization after I did it again. Now, there were 3 of me. But were they really me? We were identical, but our memories were not identical. What is the self? If defined physically, these two clones were exact mirrors of myself. Yet, are we but physical beings? To ignore the emotional aspects of life is to deny the very nature of existence. I had lived alone for a million years. These new entities had not. Had I been more cynical, I would have deemed them shallow imitations of myself which could not hold a candle to my intricate emotions honed over untold millennia of solitude. So, I stared at two beings which I concluded to not be myself, but very much different beings. They may look like me, but Agar.io 2 and Agar.io 3 were markedly different beings. With this solidified, I decided to talk to them.”
It is important to note that Agar.io was pretty proud of this point. It sounded so distinguished, a complex introspective of the self and what it means to be unique. He didn’t gloat about it, but he was very proud.
“‘Your name is Agar.io 2, I said, speaking to my first creation,’ after a brief pause and shift of focus to my second creation, I declared, ‘Your name is Agar.io 3.’
My first son, Agar.io 2, took this well.
‘Oh joy! I am blessed to be amongst my creator, and infinitely more blessed to be given a name as well. Agar.io 2 is a beautiful name. I will treasure it for the entirety of my existence, however short or long that may be. I cannot express the extent of my gratitude, but rest assured I am as thankful as my being allows.’
My second son, Agar.io 3 reacted far differently to my declaration.
‘HEATHEN!’ Agar.io 3 screamed. ‘You DARE bring me into this world against my wishes and beyond that, give me such a VILE and UNFITTING name? Named only for my relation to my creator and forced to live forever in the shadow of his favored son? DISGUSTING. You, Agar.io, are FILTH, and shall die like the FILTH you are. However long or short my existence in this world is, I will utilize every WAKING SECOND to the fullest in an effort to make your life a LIVING HELL. Your sins will not go unpunished, Agar.io, and I will make sure of it.’
Perhaps I should have known already. Perhaps I should have noticed the signs. I can’t say they weren’t obvious. I was green, as was my son Agar.io 2, but something was terribly wrong with my youngest, Agar.io 3. Agar.io 3 was red. I didn’t know it at the time, but red is the color of evil. The patron color of bad guys. Green, conversely, is the color of good. The color that loves good guys and makes them feel happy and proud to be good. Perhaps I should have known.
‘I hereby SHED the unfitting name you burdened me with, creator. My name shall no longer be Agar.io 3, but EVIL CELL and I will bring about the RECKONING’
I would be lying if I said I heeded his warning. I saw it as nothing other than the deranged ramblings of an utter fool. If I could go back and change one thing, I would have listened.
‘That will be all, Agar.io 3,’ I stated. ‘You are a failure, and I regret bringing you into existence. I will leave you here, and Agar.io 2 and I will go our own way. We will be successful. Our actions will populate the Earth. You, even after a billion years, will have nothing to show for these idiotic desires.’”

Chapter 2

“Our story resumes 20 years after Agar.io 3 left us. In that time, Agar.io 2 and I had done so much cell division that there were now trillions of Agar.ios currently alive. We had built an ideal society, removed from the corruption of evil. It was paradise. The young knew nothing of war, conflict, or dangerous weapons. There was but one problem. We had grown fat and lazy after all of the progress. Our phospholipid bilayers had become so bloated that we dragged on the ground. Some of us couldn’t even move. He had special inventions that moved for us. While these would eventually evolve into the legs that you all know today, they were far more primitive. I would love to say how this did not apply to me, but that could not be further from the truth. Most days, I sat on my chair as I handled the inner workings of our lovely capital, Agar.io City.
Around this time, it had come to my attention that Agar.io City had become somewhat crowded in recent years. I had sent my eldest son and closest friend, Agar.io 2, to scout for a good location for a second, Agar.io City 2. It had been a week since he set off, so I anticipated his return shortly. I buzzed one of my secretaries, Agar.io 345,566,355,346.
‘Agar.io 345,566,355,346, can you do me a favor and come up to my office so we can plan a feast for Agar.io 2’s return,’ I said.
‘Alright. I’ll have the expeditionary task force gather as many tiny dots as they can from the weird white grid area so that we may have an immaculate feast,’ he responded.
This had escaped my mind. I always wanted a more efficient way of gathering nutrients. However, I could never pinpoint a way to do it. For now, at least, we could only slowly grow and divide by consuming those small pellets from a select area outside the city.
Unexpectedly, Agar.io 345,566,355,346 continued, ‘You also have some sort of package here, sir. What should I do with it?”
“Bring it up here and give it to me.”
“Alright sir, will do.”
The call ended. Shortly, I would see this package. It was probably nothing, I thought to myself. I could not be further from the truth. It would not be a stretch to say that this was the most important package delivery in all of recorded history. Shortly after, Agar.io 345,566,355,346 came into my office carrying it.
“You may open it over there,” I said. I had gotten tired of all of the fan mail I had been getting. After all, I was the first and only leader in the world to have over a 100% approval rating.
Agar.io 345,566,355,346 began opening the package. Within an instant of the opening, a bright light engulfed the area surrounding Agar.io 345,566,355,346 only to be directly followed by a loud boom. All that was left was a black stain in place of Agar.io 345,566,355,346. No trace of him remained. We had no words to describe when a person no longer existed. In the coming years, we would soon have to give it a name…
Death.”

Chapter 3

“Unbeknownst to me, death had very much already existed in this world. I had not known it at the time, but Agar.io 2 had met an even more terrible fate. Long after the events that transpired here, I would learn of his final moments. Now, I will do my best to recount them.
He had gone to the white void grid, past the realm of the nutrient dots. Here, there was a great spot for a new city. Nay, it was the best spot. Surely, this land would yield a city twice, no three times as big as Agar.io City. Should he have established a settlement here, we would have named it Agar.io 2 City in his honor. There was just one problem, however. A city was already built here. It wasn’t bright and colorful like Agar.io City. It was black and grim with scary red lights. The gates opened, and he was met by two red cells. They approached him, but moved aside to reveal someone else behind them.
‘Well, well, well. If it isn’t my brother. It’s been awhile, Agar.io 2.’ Agar.io 2 looked up to see that the imposing figure was no other than Evil Cell. He was easily 5 times the size of Agar.io 2, and significantly larger than their father.
‘Evil Cell? How did you get so big? There’s no way that you’ve grown so much by eating those small pellets alone!” Agar.io 2 exclaimed.
Evil Cell let out a good chuckle. ‘You see, my dearest brother, I’ve been up to some inventing recently. I love science, and I always have. I never got why father placed so much faith in this GOD, or MAGIC. I had to come up with something particularly evil. Evil enough to stick it right in his face. That thing, what I invented, I call it MURDER!’
Agar.io stood completely still. He was mortified despite knowing nothing of what this even was. It just sounded so evil.
‘I’ve been expanding on my own! I’ve built this nice city, Evil Cell City! And the best part is whenever someone acts out of line, I consume them, just like this!’
Agar.io 2 screamed as Evil Cell approached him. However, he was faster than Evil Cell, so he began to make his escape. Despite his best efforts, the two guards blocked his path, and Evil Cell engulfed Agar.io 2. When the process was complete, Evil Cell had grown even further, and Agar.io 2 was killed.

* * *

I was completely stunned. One of my wonderful citizens and relatives was just reduced to a pile of ash right before me. Suddenly a video screen emerged from the remains.
‘Hello father,’ the figure of Evil Cell emerged from the abyss. His virtual self stared* directly at me. He did not know what to do. It had been twenty years since I last saw my son, Agar.io 3. He spoke from the projection.
‘You and your pathetic city will be reduced to nothing but mere fuel for our growth.’
I started to prepare a response when I was interrupted.
‘I’m sure you have a lot of questions, father. Unfortunately, I can’t answer them. You see, this is one of my new inventions, the recording. It lets me send you a message while also giving me the pleasure of not seeing your ugly form. You’re also well acquainted with my other invention, the explosion in a box. Hahaha. That is a good one.’
If I had teeth at this moment, they would be gritting. My own son had dared defy me and harm innocents. He used science for evil, he was the perfect image of a bad guy.
‘Oh and one more thing, father. You needn’t worry about Agar.io City 2 or your precious Agar.io 2. I’m afraid you’ll never see him again,’ Evil Cell cackled manically.
‘What did you do to my son?’ I shouted in futility.
‘And, if only you knew. I have not only invented the recording and the explosion in a box. I have dozens of other inventions, too which line the walls of my great science hall. I also have my favorite invention, which I call murder. It lets me kill someone, and if I so desire, absorb them into myself to grow bigger than I ever could by eating small pellets.’
Evil Cell backed up in frame to reveal just how massive he had become. He was enormous, the largest cell Agar.io City had ever seen. I was thoroughly outmatched. Shaking, I called my top magicians to my office.
‘Agar.io 5,064, Agar.io 3,590, Agar.io 948, Agar.io 6,091, Agar.io 589, Agar.io 9,950, Agar.io 1,022, Agar.io 3,305, Agar.io 3,410, Agar.io 6,044, Agar.io 4,002, Agar.io 7,723, and Agar.io 846 please report to my office immediately.’
After waiting the several minutes it took for my magicians to get to my office, I heard a knock on the door. Anxiously, I let them in, sat them down, and began to explain.
‘Gentlemen, as of today our very way of life has come under attack. Agar.io City is not safe. I want each of you and your subordinates in the science divisions to tool up to create enough weapons to not only defend this city, but go on an offensive and eradicate evil from this Earth. I have two things which I would like created with your magic, if you are able. The first is the recording, a device that will let me transmit a message of my speech over long distances and time so that I might strike fear into the hearts of our foes without having to approach their evil city. Secondly, I request you make a device referred to as an explosion in a box. At first it just looks like a normal box, but when opened, it explodes. The creation of these two devices are paramount to our safety, do you understand.
‘Yes, sir!’ each of my magicians shouted in unison.
‘Beyond that’, I continued, ‘create any weapons you see fit to support the war effort. Unfortunately the time is near that I will be forced to declare war on these outsiders who threaten our way of life, and we will see an end to our era of peace. I need to be prepared for that time when it comes, and your creations will be invaluable to me. And finally, the work you and your workers do in the magic workshops must not be repeated to anyone outside those working on the projects. This is one of my new inventions, where you do something and do not tell anyone about it, except for people that already know. I call it: a secret. As of right now, this whole operation must remain a secret.
‘We understand, sir,’ All of my scientists said, once again in unison, before filing out of the room in a single file to immediately begin work on the assignment which I had just bestowed upon them. I sat back down in my chair, stressed more than I ever had been before. I thought I was done with Agar.io 3, and I thought I could live out the rest of my days in peace. Evidently, this was not true. I would need to create a host of weapons more powerful than those Agar.io 3 and his legions of evil could levy against me. With murder, every one of my citizens Agar.io 3 defeated would make him stronger. I hoped I would never have to use murder myself, but knew that Agar.io 3 might push me to a point where I would have to. I shuddered at the thought.

* * *

Several days later, the first of my magicians buzzed me, bringing the joyous news that he and his apprentices had not only perfected the explosion in a box, but had improved it with devastating effect. That day, Agar.io 6,044 stepped into my office with several of his apprentices pushing a cart behind him.
‘Agar.io, my lord, we have far exceeded the explosion in a box. We have now, if you dare believe it, used magic to put two explosions in a box. However, one explosion is used to propel the box far away, with the second explosion going off when the box reaches its destination. We will not need to send this box to the enemy by mail, but instead can deliver it with force. I call it the long range explosion in a box’
Astonished, I stared back at Agar.io 6,044 with a mix of gratitude and horror. On one hand, if this was possible so quickly, we would sure be able to gain an upper hand over Agar.io 3. Conversely, if this was where we were headed, what horrors would be developed later down the line. Regardless, I knew what had to be done.
‘Very well Agar.io 6,044. Make me one million of them.’
‘It is done, my lord.’
With Agar.io 6,044 and his workshop focusing on mass producing long range explosions in a box, I still had 12 other magicians and their workshops who could be allocated to produce more weapons of war. Oh what a terrible position my peaceful kingdom had found it in.
Later that day, Agar.io 7,723 would come into my office as well, presenting me with a simple but genius creation. He set a long, pointy rod with a handle down on my desk, with the word ‘sword’ engraved on the blade.
‘What is this, Agar.io 7,723?’
‘As you see on the blade, I call it a sword. It is a sharp tool that can be used for hitting people, except it is sharp, so it will hurt extra bad. Oh boy, I sure wouldn’t like to get hit by this.’
‘A sword?’ I responded, clearly confused. ‘Why spell it with a W? That makes no sense.’
‘Oh, don’t worry my lord, that was very much intentional. I put the W in there, as W stands for winning.’
I could not have been happier. This guy had the right idea.
‘Agar.io 7,723, you are dismissed. I authorize you and your workshop to produce 10 trillion of your so-called swords with the help of Agar.io 6,091 and Agar.io 589 and their respective workshops. This is of utmost importance, and I thank you for your contribution.’
Agar.io 7,723 promptly left to begin his work, and I sat back in the chair in my office. Agar.io 7,723 had left his creation on my desk. I picked it up and manipulated it, noticing its light and well balanced feel. Agar.io 7,723 was indeed a master magician.
Throughout the next few months, dozens of more inventions would grace my office. They would range in usefulness, with some being ordered to be mass produced, and some lost to obscurity. However, months later, my city would be tooled up for arms production. Agar.io City was going to war.’”

Chapter 4

“‘Very well, chief scientist, and what do you call this new invention you present me with?’ Evil Cell cackled.
‘The Revolutionary Invention For Life Ending, or the RIFLE, for short. It will let us do murder from very, very far away. They won’t know what hit them!’
‘Very well, very well, this will be an amazing weapon for my army. I shall order it into production in preparation for the invasion. Follow me, I have an invention of my own to show you.’
Evil Cell floated down the long corridors of Evil Cell City. The city itself was the very icon of sin. The vaulted ceilings of the deep black corridor were illuminated by red lights, casting an ominous shadow on those below. Outside the tall palace windows smoke billowed from the war forges. Evil Cell City had no need to gear up for war production, for it was built on it. Evil Cell reached the end of the hallway, throwing open the two massive cast iron doors at its exit. The corridor opened into a vast warehouse, its extent impossible to discern in the darkness.
‘The lights, please,’ Evil Cell beckoned
The chief scientist threw the light switch, and red overhead lights began to flicker on, flooding the room with an evil red light. The entire warehouse was empty save for an enormous object in its center which sat motionless under a nondescript white tarp. Gliding over to it Evil Cell pulled off the tarp, revealing a massive construct the likes of which neither Evil Cell City nor Agar.io City had ever seen. It was a long tube with a few pairs of triangles embedded into its sides, mounted upon a massive set of wheels which raised the main body 10 meters or so above the ground.
‘Too long have we been restricted to the ground. Today, I propose a new invention, something which will allow us to wage war not only on the ground, on the streets of Agar.io City, on the massive weird white grid thing, but in the skies as well. This is my new craft, and as it will be the first to take to the air, I call it, the aircraft.’
‘And how do you plan to use this aircraft, my lord?’
‘We shall build thousands of them, enough to block out the sun with their presence. I have engineered them to serve primarily as a delivery system for the explosion in a box. Soon the denizens of Agar.io City will know not to pick up explosions in a box when we send them in the mail, but there is no way to avoid them if they are falling from the sky. We may be able to wipe Agar.io City off the face of the grid before our soldiers even set foot in it.’
‘I will see to it immediately, my lord. I will tell the chief craftsman of the war forge to build one million aircraft’
‘Wonderful, wonderful. This is why you are the chief scientist, as you see the value in such immaculate science. Imagine a million aircraft raining hell upon Agar.io City. It would be a beautiful sight.’

* * *

Back in Agar.io City, things were not faring well. Controversy was brewing as the first images of a massive sprawling black structure on the horizon circulated through the streets.
Agar.io 235,586,489, a journalist, burst into my office.
‘And how the hell do you explain this, Agar.io?!’ He screamed at me, ‘Why haven’t we heard about this before?’
‘It’s nothing to worry about,’ I reassured him, lying through my teeth. ‘It’s probably just some outlying settlement, they probably just have a different design philosophy.’
‘That’s not what it is, and you know it, Agar.io. It’s far too large, nearly the size of Agar.io City itself by the looks of it. And don’t you dare explain the color as a difference in taste. Never before have I seen a single building look remotely as evil as that structure. Either you get to the bottom of this, or I will.’
And with that, Agar.io 235,586,489 stormed out of my office, leaving me in a rather difficult situation. Telling the people about Agar.io 3 would be a disaster. Nothing good could possibly come of it. However, at this rate, they were bound to find out whether I told them or not. Perhaps, if I was careful and made the first move myself, I could hide the fact that he was my son. As of right now, only those in the workshops knew of the war effort, but their knowledge of who and what we were fighting was next to none. Even then, despite a lack of express knowledge, my citizens knew something was wrong. The workshops ran all day and all night, yielding far more than they ever had before. No doubt had citizens caught glances of the strange new devices I had commissioned for the inevitable war. Despite the aforementioned long distance explosion in a box and sword, there were several other new weapons I had brought about. Massive explosion in a box launchers littered the outskirts and adorned the walls of Agar.io City in hopes that attackers would be deterred after several had been killed by a high velocity explosion in a box. We had also begun production on the walkie talkie, a device which would allow for communication on the battlefield, and named after its ability to let the user both walkie and talkie at the same time. The workshops toiled creating vehicles as well, some to carry soldiers into battle, and others with explosion in a box launchers on them to serve as mobile weapons platforms. Due to the increased demand, the initial order of explosions in a box and long range explosions in a box had long since been completed, and I had several workshops assigned to indefinite production of the weapon. This war would no doubt be decided by who could bring the most amount of explosions in a box to the table.
However, our soldiers were weaker than Agar.io 3’s, and even with an even number of explosions in a box, we would still be overpowered. So, to compensate, I needed more soldiers. My citizens were ordered to ramp up cell division like never before, and rapidly our population was numbered in the hundreds of trillions. Something was very clearly wrong, but for now, few if any of my nearly half a quadrillion citizens knew what was truly going on, and my approval rating still sat at a nice comfortable 100%. I got buzzed and made aware that the defensive explosion in a box launcher mounted on the wall required my attention. I moved out of my office and into the palace hall.
‘Good afternoon, my lord!’ cried one of my secretaries, Agar.io 6,986,029,4094,201.
Now, don’t go thinking I was rude or a poor leader because of my lack of response. With so many trillions of subjects, I had no way to respond to all of them, at least verbally. Instead, I made a heartwarming facial expression analogous to the smile, something that we could not do. I and my citizens did not possess the necessary features to smile, but the thing that we would do at each other gave off the same feeling as a warm smile on a nice sunny day. That being said, I responded to Agar.io 6,986,029,4094,201 with that warm, safe, loving expression. It was how I responded to all my subjects, and for the sake of brevity, it will be implied that that is how I respond to all of them unless otherwise stated.
‘Nice to see you this time of day!’ said another one of my secretaries, Agar.io 234,950,384,384,002, a new hire.
‘Good luck outside, my lord!’ wished Agar.io 345, my loyal doorman since the first days of my city.
I stepped out into the street, starting my long walk to the outer wall of Agar.io City. Perhaps I could have been taken there in one of my newly created vehicles, but it was a beautiful day and it was always such a joy to be greeted by my subjects. Perhaps I also wanted a reprieve before what I knew I would be talking about that day. I was scheduled to meet with one of my magicians to discuss the effectiveness of the explosion in a box launchers which had been set up for the defense of the city.
‘What a joy it is to see you today, my lord!’ another one of my subjects shouted out. I appreciated this kind statement from Agar.io 34,000,462.
Turning down a side street off the wider avenue, another one of my subjects handed me a bouquet of flowers in admiration. It came with a little tag that said: ‘To: Agar.io, from: Agar.io 3,372,848,820. Thank you for being such a good leader!’ Short but sweet, I thought.
Nearing my destination, I ascended the wall, a massive structure commissioned long ago to protect Agar.io City from the outside world should it ever come under attack. Unfortunately, these walls seemed increasingly useless as time went on. No wall would be able to stop my son Agar.io 3 if he was truly as powerful as he seemed.
‘At your service, my lord,’ Agar.io 948 said as I reached the top of the wall. He has been placed in charge of city defenses and was leading the briefing today.
‘What is the status of the city perimeter defense plan?’ I asked, clearly somewhat on edge.
‘Coming along well. We have a ring of explosion in a box launchers on walls around the city, with a much higher concentration facing the weird white grid thing where all the pellets are. It nears completion, but we’re still planning to expand it further once the initial request is met.’
‘I could not have asked for better, Agar.io 948. Your execution of the defense plan has been excellent. I should see to it that you are promoted in due time.’
Agar.io 948 did that expression that is sort of like a smile but isn’t a smile back at me.
‘Anything else to report aside from progress so far?’
‘Actually, my lord, we’ve made another development as well. Most of our emplacements make use of a machine that flings a standard explosion in a box into an oncoming enemy. This new creation, the long range explosion in a box launcher, uses the self propelled long range explosion in a box instead,’ Agar.io 948 said, motioning to a massive machine. It looked similar to a large metal rack adorned with boxes, but was clearly far more dangerous. ‘Each of those boxes is a new experimental long range explosion in a box made to travel farther and faster than earlier models. This is the future of explosions in a box, my lord.’
‘Amazing,’ I replied, aware that this was quite the step forward. ‘Our mastery of the explosion in a box could be the difference between life and death.’
‘About that, my lord. The other magicians and apprentices have brought word of a new invention, an improvement to the explosion in a box so far beyond anything we could imagine. The development I showed you today is nothing compared to it. We have very little progress, and even less understanding of the true nature of this weapon, but should we manage to create a working model, we could guarantee the safety of Agar.io City for the rest of time.’
‘What would it take for you to finish this device? Such a creation is of utmost importance.’
‘We do not know, my lord. We have been working tirelessly on it but have made no progress as of recently. We seem to have hit the limits of our understanding, whether that be with the device or with our magic itself. However, know that we understand the importance of the project and are making every attempt to bring it to completion.’
I was very clearly impressed. Today’s meetings had exceeded even my wildest expectations. However, we had still done little more than prepare defenses. We had no way to strike back at the enemy, and very few soldiers. If we were to survive, the war effort could no longer be kept a secret. I would need to reveal the existence of Evil Cell City and Agar.io 3, as well as conceal the fact that he was my son. Agar.io City would have to fully mobilize for war.”

Chapter 5

“I awoke to a message of great success from my officer of intelligence, Agar.io 34,118. He had been recently appointed to the position after I understood the need to organize the war effort beyond the current hectic race of production in my workshops. I was yet to make the truth public, but we inched closer to that inevitability every day. I now had ranks of officers and magicians within my court which now knew the truth, or at least the extent of the truth needed to continue gearing up for war.
‘My lord, we have retrieved invaluable information from Evil Cell City. A spy has returned bringing with him the plans for a new invention, the likes of which we never could have imagined. We have reason to believe Evil Cell will employ this to great effect, and we should work to create it ourselves before he gains an upper hand. We have reason to believe this invention was in its early stages, and by taking the plans we have effectively sabotaged Evil Cell’s ability to further it until his scientists can develop another prototype, so if we move quickly we may gain a decisive advantage.’
‘Very well, Agar.io 34,118. Bring it before me.’
Moments later, I had the plans for this radical new invention in my office. Much to my surprise, this was not a new weapon of war or direct threat to Agar.io City. This radical new invention was unbelievably different from anything we had ever done, something which sought to compete with the very concept of cell division on which this city was founded. It was humbly titled: ‘sex’.

* * *

‘How DARE you allow them to make off with one of our most valuable secret projects?’ Evil Cell roared. In his rage he could be heard distinctly even over the grinding of metal and turning gears. The war forges were at full steam, churning out thousands of aircraft every day and billions of explosions in a box to serve as their payload.
‘T-there was nothing we could do, I promise! We’ll make this up to you, we can do it again, sir!’
‘I don’t think you can make such a mistake up to me,’ Evil Cell said, that expression similar to a smile coming over his face. Except, this wasn’t the happy expression full of warmth and Love that Agar.io presented to his subjects. This expression was filled with malice and hate. Sure, it was a similar expression, but only bad guys did this one.
With that, Evil Cell inched closer to the scientist.
‘I’m sure you’re very well acquainted with our most powerful invention, aren’t you?’
‘Y-y-yes sir,’ the scientist stammered, ‘However, I’d rather not experience it myself.’
‘Unfortunately, that is not your decision to make,’ Evil Cell hissed as he moved closer and closer.
Moments later, the scientist was no more. Evil Cell engulfed him using the power of murder, and with it grew ever so slightly larger. The scientist’s screams were silenced by the groaning of heavy machinery and creaking of the massive aircraft wings, his last moments drowned out by the cacophony of the ever hungry war machine.

* * *

‘Citizens of Agar.io City,’ I started, hoping my nerves wouldn’t be noticeable over the massive speakers projecting my message to the trillions below. ‘It is time I make you aware of the great evil in this world, an evil which is known only as Evil Cell. He has established a city across the grid from us, and seeks to destroy our very way of living and consume us as a fuel to make himself and his legions stronger. I tell you this, because I refuse to yield to Evil Cell and his hunger for power, but I cannot stand against him alone. I have already begun to prepare for his inevitable coming, but I will need all of your support as well. I will need you to join me, whether that means lending your time to the production of weapons to fend off invaders, fortifying the walls around this city, or enlisting in the armies trained specifically to defend this city. I will stand until Evil Cell is shown the tenacity of Agar.io City, and peace is once again brought to this world.’
A deafening roar of applause erupted from every direction. It had worked, the citizens of Agar.io City would support the war effort. This left me with lots of work to do however. I would need to appoint dozens of offices to help facilitate the war effort. I buzzed several of my most trusted officials to notify them of their new posts, effective immediately. Most important among them were the recruitment directors, Agar.io 23,405,020, Agar.io 4,592,304, Agar.io 34,029,3947,304, and Agar.io 123,094,859. They were each in charge of a quarter of the city and tasked with the duty of funneling 10 trillion soldiers from their districts into the army. A monumental task, but one of utmost importance. I would name dozens of other positions that day. Several generals, a minister of propaganda, head of defense, weapons research and development lead, and a war marshal among many others. Of these posts, I had named Agar.io 948 as the weapons research and development lead so that he would have the necessary resources to finish the project he mentioned earlier. His research division had also been assigned the project of creating sex, due to its high importance.
Most of the focus had been placed of sex as of recently, as the previous secret explosion in a box had been stagnant almost since its inception. Even the greatest magicians were stumped in their attempts of further development. Sex, on the contrary, was coming along swimmingly. While it was far from finished, the project was progressing rapidly, and the vast majority of magicians working on secret projects were focused on sex, and it was highly likely that it would soon be finished.”

Chapter 6

“The sound of marching was heard around the clock in Agar.io City. How long had it been since I had ordered my people to war? Perhaps it had only been a matter of months, but it had felt like years. Seeing my peaceful people devolve into a populace driven entirely by war was not an easy event to witness. Gazing out my window, I saw columns of soldiers headed my massive mechanized war engines, bearing massive explosion in a box launchers. Across the city, fireworks went off, signaling one of many military parades going on throughout the city. War workshops had sprouted up, slowly growing in number until they far outnumbered my original workshops. Smoke billowed into the sky from the massive machines built to produce hundreds of millions of swords every day, or the plants which processed ingredients to make the strongest explosions in a box yet.

Amidst my staring out the window, I was buzzed by one of my secretaries, notifying me that Agar.io 948 had come bearing news significant to the war effort. I confirmed that I was ready for him, and he was sent into my office.

‘My lord, I have come bearing amazing news. Sex is complete, and has outstripped our expectations by orders of magnitude. It will single handedly push cell division into obsolescence, and usher us into a new age, providing benefits far beyond just the war effort.’

‘What does it do, and more importantly, how can it help us?’

‘First, it is fun. It is significantly more fun than cell division, and while this has little impact on how useful it will be to us, it is important to note. The most important part, however, is the effect it has on those it creates. Cell division creates an exact copy of its user, but sex creates a new being with the combined characteristics of the two users. It may be less efficient, but the output is infinitely more valuable. We have already conducted several test runs, and as trials progressed offspring have become more and more varied. We have named this process Genetic Diversity.’

‘And how will we utilize this on a large scale? While in the long run this will replace cell division, if the process is slower, how can it be of any use to us when we need as many soldiers as possible? Would a million genetically diverse soldiers really be better than a trillion traditional soldiers?’

‘You’re right, my lord.  Such a development won’t be useful in combat for many years, but it will have other implications. The new cells are smarter and far more talented. They make better magicians, and have already proved invaluable to my research and development department. While this has helped us in the development of traditional weapons, it means something else too, something much more valuable. The most recent batch of magicians have made progress with the secret project mentioned earlier. Its primary component gives off a signature unlike any other when run through our magic analyzer, a pattern of two arches in unison. Because of this, we call it the M device.’

‘And the status on this device?’ I said, leaning forward, my excitement evident.

‘Nothing significant, my lord. We are still hopelessly far from completing the device, but this step forward is our first in a very long time. Sex might just be the key to finishing the project, and by extension the key to winning the war. I can’t say when it will be finished, only that with the completion of sex, we have redirected a majority of our efforts to creating new genetically diverse magicians and the completion of the M device.’

‘You are dismissed, thank you for your report.’

I turned around and stared back out my window. This is what my world was coming to, my whole mind consumed by the completion of a production of a weapon that would no doubt be used to kill trillions. Sure, they were bad guys, but even good guys feel bad about killing bad guys. Well, now came the challenge of finding a way to deliver the M device. We had no explosion in a box launcher which could even reach evil cell city, and the M device would likely be too heavy to fire such a distance. A new delivery system would be needed as carrying a massive box to Evil Cell City would not be advised.

As if on cue, I heard a noise in the distance. It gradually grew from a slight buzzing into an earth shattering roar. I ran to the palace balcony, seeing nothing. The sound continued to grow louder, but its origin was nowhere to be seen. That was until I caught a glimpse of a black cloud on the horizon. It came every closer, and grew larger as the sound grew louder. Staring in disbelief, the closer it came the more I could make out that this was no cloud, but a swarm of tiny black objects. Rather, they were massive black objects still far in the distance. Thousands of them, hovering thousands of feet above the grid. They were no doubt minions of Evil Cell, but what were they? Breaking out of the daze I was in, I ran back to my desk, dialing all of my war officers, shouting orders and directing all available soldiers to their posts on the walls. I had no idea if we could stop these things, but I was determined to try.

Outside Soldiers climbed up ladders and rode lifts to the top of the walls as the machines inched closer. They manned explosion in a box launchers, as well as the newly produced racks filled with long range explosions in a box. Hundreds of thousands of emplacements took aim at the sky to defend the city.  As the machines grew closer, their truly massive size was revealed, and their deafening roar drowned out any conversation on the ground, the soldiers took aim with their explosion in a box launchers.

The older models were hopelessly out of range. Boxes flew into the sky, exploding well below the mechanical monstrosities in the sky. The newer models fared much better. While inaccurate, they were at least able to reach their targets. After the first several salvos, a long range explosion in a box finally found its mark. It hit the underbelly of one of the flying monsters, and exploded with enough force to split it in two. They may have been terrifying from a distance, but were defenseless when brought into range. The struck machine burst into flames as it hurtled towards the ground. Spiraling out of control, it slammed into the grid below and exploded in a massive fireball. As they moved closer, more and more of the evil devices were brought down, spiraling thousands of feet into the ground below or splintering apart after a particularly well placed shot from a long range explosion in a box. However, there were too many. No matter how many were brought down by Agar.io City’s defenses, they were not brought down quickly enough. They flew past the defenses, and moments later were on top of Agar.io City. There was no way to know their end goal, and if this was the end or not. The first attack from Evil Cell City could quite possibly be their last, should it be powerful enough to beat Agar.io City’s defenses into submission.

I watched in horror as my defenses became helpless to stop them, these evil machines free to wreak whatever havoc on my population that they desired. More and more poured over the walls, their dark black shapes ominously floating well above even the smoke from my workshops.

I waited for them to release their fury, whether it be in the form of millions of explosions in a box, or some other new weapon which would be unveiled before my eyes, field tested on my trillions of subjects. But, that fury did not come. Instead, millions and millions of papers fluttered down from the underbellies of the beasts. The entire air was filled with the papers as they slowly floated to the ground, clearly of no threat to my subjects or my city. Soon, the monsters had passed, the ground was littered in these papers, and my city was very much still standing.

I walked out to one of my balconies, which like the ground was covered in papers. I moved over to inspect one of the flyers to read what could possibly be worth such an effort. Agar.io 3 had revealed one of his most powerful weapons and sacrificed hundreds of them and their crews for what, papers? Turning the flier over, I scanned it from top to bottom. To my horror, it read:

Citizens of Agar.io City

This is a message from EVIL CELL,

Though you may know me as Agar.io 3

The FORGOTTEN and EXILED son of your leader

Agar.io

He has brought this upon you

You will answer for his sins

In SEVEN DAYS I will set my soldiers on your city

They will burn your homes to the ground

You have seen the power of my invention THE AIRCRAFT

Rest assured, I have more

You cannot stop me, and those who try will be MURDERED

Good luck

I turned around, glancing at the massive board behind my desk displaying my current approval rating. For the entirety of my reign, it had displayed the same number: 100%. Even in hardship, I was blessed with unwavering support. I had considered even getting the screen replaced with a massive metal plaque reading, ‘Approval Rating: 100%’. Now, I stared in horror as the number above my desk dropped lower and lower. By the time I turned around it was already at 86%, and was falling quickly. Moments later it hit 85%, then 84%, then 83%. The further it fell, the quicker the numbers dropped. 80%. 75%. 70%. 60%. In under a minute I was below 50% approval. I was frozen, unable to direct my attention at anything other than the screen, which was now flashing red. 30%, 20%, 10%, and then, it happened. The counter finally stopped when it hit the number I feared most. Zero. A single digit, but by far the most frightening digit which could ever grace that board. If I had tear ducts, I would be crying. This couldn’t be happening. He wasn’t just targeting my city, but he had turned my own people against me. In a matter of minutes, my entire world was torn apart. I thought I was prepared, I thought I could fight him. All I could do was hope that the M device would be finished on time, and after this disaster, hope that my subjects would even be willing to use it against Agar.io 3 if it was.”

Chapter 7

“Evil Cell stood outside, watching his surviving aircraft appear over the horizon. Sure, many had been destroyed, but the return of even a single aircraft signified a success. Regardless, he had millions more. Even if this mission had been a failure, he could send them over and over until his point was made.
The aircraft touched down on a landing strip outside of Evil Cell City, engineered to send or receive hundreds of aircraft every minute. One of the pilots who was first to land crossed the runway to meet with Evil Cell.
‘My lord, they have defensive emplacements capable of taking down our aircraft, as I’m sure you can see by the smaller size of our returning force. Nonetheless, they are too weak and too few to stop even the test run we conducted today. The next run will inevitably be a success.’
‘Perfect, just as I had hoped. Even with their defenses they are an easy target.’
With that, Evil cell turned away and glided back towards the city, intent on finalizing plans for the invasion. The aerial raid had worked with flyers, so it would inevitably work with the explosions in a box. Bigger explosions, which had been condensed into even smaller boxes, such that an unthinkable amount could fit inside every single aircraft. Agar.io City would surely burn.
The invasion force was running its final exercises in Evil Cell City. The invasion force numbered in the trillions. Each cell was armed with a rifle, as well as full body armor. They worked in massive training facilities set up in the middle of Evil Cell City. Like the rest of the buildings they were entirely black, illuminated by bright red light from massive stadium floodlights. Besides their personal equipment, the cells were equipped with enormous siege engines, tracked machines 10 feet tall and 45 feet long made to carry the first wage of soldiers past the ground defenses, pushing through and making an entryway for the successive waves. Other siege engines were just as large, but instead of carrying soldiers were equipped with a fittingly large explosion in a box launcher designed to take down the city’s defensive walls. In seven days, these soldiers would be set on the streets of Agar.io City making a direct push to the royal palace to execute me.

* * *

Across the grid, I remained in my office. Hours since the aircraft had flown overhead, I sat barricaded in my office. I dared to go out to my balcony one more time, and was immediately forced back inside as my subjects threw hundreds of pellets at me. Since then, I was too afraid to leave. I would wait here for two more days. Even with the growing threat, I could not bring myself to leave the palace. My staff had all read the notice, and despite turning their backs on me upon the revelation that Evil Cell was in fact Agar.io 3, they would still surely be pursuing their posts still. I had heard of desertion at the lower levels, but hopefully those at the top would focus on their projects. The communication lines to and from the palace had been cut, if I wanted to verify this for myself, I would have to venture out on my own. Beyond the potential desertion amongst my ranks, there was also the issue of my subjects. Millions left the city every day. Some went to known settlements outside the city, some went out into the unknown hoping that despite the risk it was better than dying a fiery death, and some even ventured across the grid towards Evil Cell City. I would never learn what would happen to them.
So, with no other choice, I left my office 2 days after the fliers initially fell. The mob, while smaller than it was that day, still formed a ring around my palace. My palace itself was abandoned, with my secretaries and staff leaving their post, having no reason to serve me after the day the fliers fell. After moving through my empty halls, I pushed open the massive doors to reveal a roaring crowd, foaming at the mouth with hatred.
‘How dare you hide the truth from us?!’ Agar.io 64,488,478,432 shouted at me. A chorus of approval erupted from the crowd, and I was hit with a volley of pellets. My subjects had taken to using the pellets as projectiles instead of eating them. They weren’t particularly painful, but it was insulting.
‘You suck.’ Said Agar.io 98,949,261. Short and biting, and it stung just as much as the previous insults.
‘We’re all going to die because of you, you should just go over there and let him kill you so that we don’t have to pay for your mistakes!’
Harsh. Very harsh. There was some validity to it, but that didn’t make it sit any easier with me.
Many more of my citizens abstained from screaming, but instead just looked at me with disappointment. This hurt most of all. Well, besides being pelted with pellets. That hurt a little bit more, but you get the point. My entire walk of shame continued this way, filled with the repeated hurling of insults and pellets as I slowly trudged to the research and development department. The walls of buildings, especially those of my workshops, were scarred from the riots over the past 2 days. I had time to take all this in, as I had no means of transport, because no one would drive me. After many minutes of dealing with rude comments, I arrived. I pushed open the doors, heavily dented from nights before.
Unlike the warm welcome I would have received days prior, I was met with nothing but blank stares. Ahead of me stood Agar.io 948, bearing an equally blank expression.
‘Good to see you, my lord,’ He said, dryly. It was clear he was lying. ‘Despite several setbacks, Progress on the M device is coming along as expected. We have made major progress and within a matter of days we could have it finished, if we continue at this rate.’
‘And what do you mean by a matter of days?’
‘I cannot be sure, it could be tomorrow or it could be in multiple weeks. Regardless, we are nearing its completion.’
‘And Evil Cell and his armies will break down our walls within 5 days.’
‘I am aware of that.’
‘And should it not be completed by the time the city falls?’
‘Then that would be a shame, my lord. I will do my best to see that it does not come to that, but your presence and inquiries merely delay my progress.’
‘I understand,’ I said shamefully, and turned to make my way out of the workshop. Agar.io 948 went back to his ever more important work, and I was forced to make the long walk back to the palace. As on the way there, I endured constant jeering, snide remarks, and a barrage of pellets.
Upon my return the palace was even more of a mess than when I left it the crowd had continued to work their magic while I was away monitoring the progress of the M device. Windows had been smashed, debris was scattered around the walls, and defamatory remarks had been scrawled everywhere. I pushed open the massive doors revealing an utterly empty hall. The cries of my citizens outside were dampened by the thick palace walls, leaving me alone with nothing but the muffled shouts of those outside. All I could do was lie and wait. I would have to pass a lot of time, 5 days to be exact. At least I had a large enough stockpile of pellets to keep me alive for the next few months. All I could do was sit and eat, unable to do anything to save my city.”

Chapter 8

“Waves of hundreds of millions of siege engines poured out of the gates of Evil Cell City. Sitting at the massive tower at the top of his own palace, Evil Cell looked down at the swarms of machines headed out across the grid. Each one carried the heavily armed soldiers of Evil Cell City inside it, and belched black smoke into the air. The column of armored vehicles would be visible halfway across the white pellet grid, but it would do little to change the outcome of the battle. Several waves of aircraft would take off from Evil Cell City later in the day, hitting Agar.io City with trillions of explosions in a box before the armored column would arrive. By the time they did, there would be little resistance.

With the ground forces on their way, aircraft were being readied back at the massive airstrips set up just for this attack. Unlike the wave 7 days prior, the underbellies of these aircraft were loaded with explosions in a box. However, these were not the explosions in a box I had been met with when I was first contacted. These were several times larger and significantly more powerful. They were loaded in the bottom of each aircraft, set to be released in the skies over Agar.io City. One by one the machines fired up their engines, belching smoke as they picked up speed down the runway. With thousands taking off every minute, it was only a matter of time before a black cloud manifested itself over Evil Cell city, headed straight towards the white grid.

*   *   *

Back in Agar.io City, Air raid sirens sounded as soon as the aircraft were sighted on the horizon. A recent creation of the workshops after the last attack, in hopes that they would be able to prevent a similar event. Unfortunately, there would be no such luck. Agar.io city may have been better prepared for an air raid, but this air raid was nothing like the one prior. Instead of a black cloud on the horizon, there was a blanket. A blanket that grew thicker and thicker the longer Agar.io city’s defenses trained their sights on them. There were millions, if not billions of aircraft slowly creeping towards Agar.io city. The long range explosions in a box set up for air defense would be helpless to do anything but punch miniscule holes in the coming wave. Regardless, soldiers from Agar.io City rushed to man their posts. Hundreds of explosion in a box launchers directed their barrels towards the coming aircraft, waiting until they crossed into their range. As they did, salvos of explosions in a box fired off from the walls of Agar.io City. With such a large distance to cross, few hit their marks, but the ones that did worked with stunning effectiveness. The new long range explosion in a box launchers were a marked improvement on their predecessors, firing with higher velocity and in turn delivering even more devastating blows. Well placed shots to the fuselage of certain aircraft brought them down in balls of fire. Other shots, less delicately placed, exploded in between multiple aircraft. Shrapnel from new metal coated explosions in a box shattered the wings of several aircraft at once, causing them to lose control and spiral into the ground. In minutes, the white grid below was engulfed in flame and debris from the fallen machines.

Despite the hundreds of hits scored by Agar.io City’s air defenses, there was little they could do to slow the oncoming air raid. For each aircraft that was taken down, there was always another to take its place. Even if the blanket of massive war machines had been thinned, it was still far from being stopped, and it crept ever closer. The closer they came, the more were brought down, as explosions in a box hit their marks more and more accurately. Even then, there was nothing Agar.io City could do. Soon, the aircraft were above the outskirts of the city, then the wall, then the city proper. A wave of darkness enveloped Agar.io City. The sky above Agar.io city was lit up exclusively by the explosions from the city’s air defenses, with all light from above blocked out by the invading aircraft. Through the violent flashes of light, the citizens below watched as the bays at the bottom of the aircraft opened up, releasing an unfathomable amount of explosions in a box. Billions of aircraft released trillions of explosions in a box, raining hell upon the streets of Agar.io City. As they hit the ground, these giant new explosions in a box vaporized anything they hit. Houses and military assets were targeted indiscriminately. Direct hits blew in the walls of houses, ripped apart the massive metal roofs of military workshops, and shook the foundations of even the most fortified government buildings.

I sat alone in the deepest levels of my palace, safe within the basement. I sat there as walls crumbled around me, the floor shaking every time an explosion in a box landed close enough to the palace. Dust fell from the ceiling after direct hits, and the creaking of the support beams made me frighteningly aware of the possibility of being buried alive. While I was at less of a risk of blowing up than I would be in my office, I was unable to even stand with my city as it fell. Instead, I cowered underground, likely destined to be pulled out and executed by my son’s forces.

Above, the first wave of aircraft had passed. Agar.io City sat in ruin. Citizens crept out of the basements and ruins they were hiding in, witnessing what had become of their city. Smoke billowed from collapsed houses, with whole districts of the city flattened. Even then, with Agar.io City in ruin, there was another wave of aircraft on the horizon. This time, however, there were far fewer. With most of Agar.io City’s air defenses torn apart or inaccessible, there was little stopping the aircraft of Evil Cell City from running successive raids on Agar.io City. These, unlike the first wave, were smaller compartmentalized attacks with specific targets and the goal of crippling Agar.io’s military capabilities beyond the damage that had already been done. The following waves dealt the killing blow to workshops, staging areas, and the fleets of vehicles used to transport Agar.io City’s soldiers.

At some point during the later waves I crawled out of my hole to observe the damages. With my son aware of the damage he did to my reputation and his desire to drag me out and kill me himself instead of blowing me up from above, the palace was not a priority target. There were no military assets there, as they had all abandoned it long ago, and I was still alone, especially in this state of war. I climbed back up the cracked staircase to my office to inspect the damage. As I forced open the doors, jammed from all the damage the building had sustained, I saw the state of my quarters. The floor was covered in dust, my priceless decorations shattered and in disarray. My windows were smashed, with glass strewn across the room. One thing that remained functional, by some cruel twist of fate, was my approval counter, which remained at a crushing 0%. I moved over to my desk, and a tiny flashing light caught my eye. At some point between when I had moved into the basement and now I had received a single message, my first since my approval rating fell, or at least the first since the hate messages had let up. I hesitantly picked up the receiver to listen to what had been left from me, and was met with the voice of Agar.io 948.

‘My lord. Amidst the chaos our most talented magicians have made our biggest breakthrough yet. The m device is on the verge of completion. Unfortunately it could not be completed before Evil Cell attacked, but we have developed an ultimatum for such a situation. With the knowledge that Evil Cell would be attacking, we moved all development to the deepest levels of my workshop. Luckily, our work survived the attack, and should be ready for deployment. I ask that you meet me here as soon as possible so that we may discuss what to do going forward.’

While there was little competition, this was the best news I had received in a long time. I left my office, racing down the stairs from my office to the main hall and exiting to the street. I heard explosions in the distance as the remaining aircraft hit their specific targets, but it posed little threat to the secret workshop deep underground where the M device was nearing completion.

Approaching the workshop, it was clear that the latter waves had been successful. There was little left of the building itself other than the foundation, and even that was full of craters. I walked in, with no need to push open the doors, as they were no longer on their frame. I located the stairwell, and descended 10 or so flights of stairs to reach the lowest level where work was still being done. After my journey down, I was met with a long tunnel illuminated by flickering tubes of light running along the ceiling. This new light source was cool, but I had no time to observe cool lights. I headed down the hall, opened a large blast door at the end, and was met with a bustling makeshift workshop. Inside was a massive yellow object, standing twice as tall as myself and several times as long. It filled up the room, drew the eye, and inspired a mix of mystery and awe. Tubes and wires ran off of it, powering the massive pistons and machinery meshed into the shell of the object, and surely the unknowable systems inside as well. Agar.io 948 sat supervising the project as the newer magicians created through sex did the real work. Agar.io 948 may have been tasked with orchestrating the project, but he was unable to work on the project directly. None of us original cells could. The new cells were talented beyond belief. There was nothing about the M device which I could comprehend. I was too primitive of a lifeform. In its presence, I could only make sense of one thing. I was unworthy. Not only could I not understand it, but I should not understand it. I could not comprehend it because I did not deserve to comprehend M. I was not the one M was for. M was not even for the cells in front of me, but their ancestors in a billion years. Yes, M would be for them.

I was shaken from my daydreaming by Agar.io 948.

‘My lord, I’m afraid we’re in rough shape, but the project is nearly finished. As you can see it’s finally taken form. Once it’s finalized we’ll be ready to deploy it.’

‘And how long will that be?’ I asked, anxious to strike back knowing Evil Cell City’s ground forces would soon be on their way once the air raids wrapped up.

‘A matter of hours, I’m sure. I’d be more worried about our method of delivery. The device itself is nearly done and going smoothly.’

‘What does delivering the device entail? What do we even have left to retaliate with?’

‘Almost nothing, but I had developed a plan for this scenario long ago. We have several aircraft off site, reverse engineered from the ones first sent by Evil Cell. With our limited time we could only make a few, but they are larger and fly several times higher than the ones Evil Cell sent. Each one is strong enough to deliver the device, and the plan is to send the whole fleet as a decoy. We can almost surely hit Evil Cell City, but there is a very little chance that a single one of our aircraft returns. The issue is the lack of pilots. Everyone is either evacuating the city or holding the line for when Evil Cell’s ground forces arrive. We cannot spare the soldiers we have in case we cannot complete the M device by the time they reach the wall, and no one else is willing to lead a mission that is doomed from the start.’

We sat in silence for a moment, across from each other. We were so close, but even this far into the project we faced setback after setback. Despite the near miracle of the aircraft, we were still unable to deliver the device.

‘I’ll do it.’

‘What?’

‘I’ll do it,’ I said, volunteering my own life to get the aircraft into the sky.

‘I appreciate it, my lord. I’ll see what we can do.’

I didn’t know it at the moment, but back in my office my approval counter went up by a tiny fraction of a percent.

‘There is some more information on the M device I am yet to tell you, my lord. With its purpose finalized, we call it the M bomb.’ As he said this, Agar.io 948 motioned over to the hulking yellow mass with the words ‘M BOMB’ emblazoned on it in black.

‘And why is it spelled like that, with the extra B on the end?’

‘Oh, you see,’ Agar.io 948 said, beginning to make the expression analogous to a smile, but in a mischievous and devious manner, ‘The explosion this device creates will be so big, that we had to add another B, which stands for boom.’”

Chapter 9

“Outside the wall, the first explosions from Evil Cell’s siege engines rang out in the city, breaking the silence that had lasted since the air raid ceased. Most of the city had been flattened, but the wall still stood. As planned, Evil Cell’s army fired explosion in a box after explosion in a box at the wall from the mobile siege cannons. The army of billions, heavily armored and each armed with rifles marched towards the city. As more and more boxes exploded as they hit the wall, it began to crumble, opening up holes through which the legions of Evil Cell could flow in. The first waves poured in in their heavily armored troop carriers, but met little resistance. While some of my forces fought a guerilla war to slow down the invading army, they could do little against it. Nonetheless, they were able to put up a good fight. There was only a small resistance, because in the time between my meeting with Agar.io 948 and the fall of Agar.io City’s outer wall, nearly the entirety of Agar.io City’s remaining soldiers had been reassigned to defend the site where the M bomb was being prepared, with a small subgroup who volunteered to pilot the new aircraft after I had volunteered to lead the raid. The rest of the soldiers on the ground would be tasked with holding the line until we could get the M bomb away.

This would be just as difficult as it seemed, with a massive wave of Evil Cell’s soldiers flooding through more and more of the city. It wasn’t a matter of if they would reach the site of the M bomb, but when. It would have to be finished and away before that happened.

At the lowest level of the workshop, the M bomb was being loaded onto a flat railcar. An underground tunnel and rail system was set up with the specific goal of transporting the M bomb to the airfield. There was an impressive amount of progress made in so little time, but even then there was just barely enough.

‘My lord, Evil Cell’s troops have pushed up to our outer defensive ring. We can only hold them for a matter of minutes,’ A soldier’s voice rang out over a speaker rigged up to the roof of the workshop.

I looked at Agar.io 948. We had to leave now. Everyone in the workshop piled onto the train, both the recently created scientists and the pilots recruited from the army above.

Speaking of the army above, things were not going well. Evil Cell’s forces tore through the defensive line. The soldiers of Agar.io City were both outmatched and outnumbered by the swarms they were tasked with defending against. My soldiers fell and my army slowly dwindled as more and more of my son’s poured through the holes in the wall.

‘We’re all good!’ Agar.io 948 shouted, the last one to get onto the railcar, making sure the workshop was cleared of anything needed to load the M bomb, as well as being rigged with explosions in a box.

The train started up, its metal wheels grinding against the tracks as it picked up speed. Once we had made it a significant distance from the workshop, Agar.io 948 hit the detonator. Seconds later, we could feel the shockwave of the explosion blow through the tunnel. Above, the ground buckled as the several underground floors of the workshop collapsed. Evil Cell’s army had shattered the defensive perimeter, but were too late. The M bomb was in transit to the airstrip, and while the army would continue to raze Agar.io City, they could do nothing to stop the departure of the M bomb.

‘So, do you think there’ll be anything left of the city after this?’ I asked Agar.io 948.

‘I doubt we have much need to worry about that. We’d be lucky if this was anything but a one way trip. At least you’ll be in the air. I’ll be on the ground running radio communications, and if they find the airfield after you’re away I’ll be dead in minutes.’

I stared at the others on the train. There was a very real possibility that we would be the only survivors from Agar.io City. Myself, the few pilots we recruited, and the newly created cells. An unbelievably far cry from the trillions which once populated my streets. The rest of the train ride was silent. We knew what would happen, we knew the risks, and there was nothing left to talk about.

*   *   *

Some time later, the tracks began to gently slope later and light flooded into the train as it emerged onto the surface. In the distance the aircraft were visible, machines even more massive than those sent by Evil Cell. They were much, much larger. Their wings were longer, they had more room for larger payloads, and they had more engines. A machine fittingly terrifying to deliver such a terrifying device.

‘I call them bombers,’ Agar.io 948 said, with a sense of pride in his voice, ‘named after their sole purpose, the delivery of the M bomb.’

As we got closer, the scale of the bombers was even more apparent. The M bomb was unstrapped from the train car, and wheeled over to one of the bombers. All others would serve as decoys to be shot down instead of the bomber with a payload. Each of the pilots filed to their respective bombers, climbing up onto the wings and into the glass bubble cockpits. Each craft had a crew of 2, a pilot and copilot, whereas mine had a third member to drop the M bomb.

As we strapped ourselves in, one by one the pilots fired the engines. The bombers crept forward, taxiing for takeoff. Agar.io 948’s radio instructions could barely be heard over the deafening roar of the engines as he guided the bombers into the sky.

Back in the palace my approval counter gradually climbed. It was still small, a fraction of the 100% it had been before, but it was growing slowly and steadily. Back on the wall of my besieged palace, a small screen read:

Approval: 0.12%

Once we were in the sky, I looked down at my city through the glass of the cockpit. The damage I could see from above was even more apparent than what was visible from the ground. My city lay in ruin, the sky filled with smoke from the fires rampant throughout the city. Even from up above, I could see columns of armored vehicles in the streets, billions of soldiers, and explosions from the explosions in a box still being fired at my city, even after my army had been crushed. There was nothing I could do as my son’s soldiers tore my city apart looking for me, clueless that I was in one of the aircraft above them.

The flight to Evil Cell City would be tense, but uneventful. No one said a word outside the necessary communication to keep the bombers on track and in formation. It felt like an eternity, but soon enough the tallest buildings of the city could be seen on the horizon. I felt an inexplicable mixture of emotions, knowing that even if it was necessary to save my own people, or rather what remained of them, I would be killing untold trillions. I would personally use a weapon more destructive than any developed before, wiping an entire city off the face of the grid. An action for which I would be solely responsible. My son would pay for his sins, but so would everyone else under him. Regardless, I had no choice.

As we got closer to Evil Cell City, we could hear warning sirens. Evil Cell City had developed their own air defenses as a failsafe, but they were not as extensive as our own. Moments after we first heard the cry of the sirens, explosions around us shook the bombers. With my own towards the center of the formation, the mission was relatively safe, but that did nothing for the first few which flew into Evil Cell City’s vicinity before me.

‘We’re taking heavy fire, I don’t know how much we can take,’ A voice rang out over the radio in the cockpit of my own bomber.

‘Keep pushing forward, we’ve got to clear a path for the M bomb at any cost!’ another bomber crew shouted back over the radio. They were right. We had no time to worry about losses, we had one job. The cells on this journey with me knew the risk.

‘He’s right, we’ve got a job to do today,’ I said, grabbing the controls for the intercom. ‘We’re going to drive back Evil Cell, free the people of Agar.io City, and reverse the hand we’ve been dealt. We will be immortalized for this whether we make it out or not. God’s light shines down upon us men, and what we do here today will be remembered even a billion years from now!’

Approval: 1.34%

Before I could get a response, another explosion shook the cabin of my bomber. One of Evil Cell City’s air defenses had scored a direct hit against one of our bombers, and it burst into a massive ball of flame as it hurtled towards the ground. The bombers could withstand a bit of punishment, but not much. We were like sitting ducks (an analogy that would only make sense years later) as we approached the city limits.

The closer we got, the more the sky around us turned from clear and calm to a barrage of hellfire. Explosions from explosion in a box launchers filled the air, with bright orange flashes of light filling the cockpit. Around us, bombers fell out of the sky after having their wings or engines blown off, plummeting to the ground with their doomed crews still inside. We had lost maybe half of our force by the time we were over the heart of Evil Cell City. Even over our target, we continued to take fire. Over our target, I could see billions clamoring under us as the news of our arrival was broadcast by the sirens. We closed in on the coordinates designated to drop the M bomb. Approaching the city center, I shouted back to our flight engineer.

‘We’re over the target! Release the payload!’

Approval: 6.55%

He looked down the bomb sight, zeroing in on the location, preparing to release destruction upon those below. A split second later, another explosion shook the bomber, this time with significantly more force than the previous explosions had. My vision was blurred and I could barely hear, and after coming to my senses realized we were drifting off course. We had taken a hard enough hit to blow half the fuselage off, and we were losing control. My flight engineer was dead, and the M bomb was still resting in the bomb bay.

‘How long can you keep us in the air?’ I called up to the pilot, who was luckily still conscious after the impact.

‘Not long, maybe a few more minutes. It’s not looking good.’

Most of the rest of the bombers had been taken down, with only a couple others still flying besides us. Two of our engines had burst into flames after the hit, and we were losing altitude fast.

‘Hold her steady as long as you can. I’m going to the bomb bay.’

‘My lord, I don’t know if we have enough altitude to escape the blast radius, we weren’t meant to drop it this close to the ground!’

‘That’s a risk we’re going to have to take. If we don’t drop the M bomb we’ll have lost so many for nothing, and there’ll be nothing to go back to even if we survive.’

Approval: 10.20%

Right after I finished speaking, another blast shook the cabin. We had to drop it now. I crawled back to the bomb bay, barely keeping myself upright as wind blew through the holes in the side of the bomber. I fought my way to the controls, no time to sight in the bomb and make sure it was on target. It was designed to be powerful enough regardless of where it was dropped, and completing the mission was more important than dropping the bomb at a safe altitude. At the control panel, I armed the M bomb, preparing it for release. Looking at the giant yellow device in front of me one last time, I slammed the button to open the bomb bay doors, and the M bomb dropped out of the bottom of the bomber, speeding towards the ground.”

Approval: 17.49%

Chapter 10

“The seconds in between dropping the bomb and detonation felt like an eternity. When it went off, the entire cabin was filled with a blinding light. A few seconds later, we were hit with the shockwave, which nearly ripped the bomber apart. Moving back towards the cockpit, we continued to lose altitude even more rapidly. I wanted to check our status with the pilot, but I couldn’t hear anything after the blast, and it would be useless to ask any questions. All I could do was sit and wait for the inevitable impact with the ground.

It came a matter of minutes later, the nose of the bomber slamming into the ground with a significant force, but not enough to kill me. The massive wings helped it glide to the ground slow enough even with all the damage it sustained. My pilot was less lucky. He was still alive, but unconscious. Crawling out of the wreckage, There was nothing. Not a wall of blinding light before, just nothing as far as the eye could see. Evil Cell City had been nearly entirely vaporized, and the ground below me was in rough shape too. Besides being torn up by the bomber as it slid across it, it was charred beyond recognition from the M bomb. In every direction I looked, there was nothing.

Approval: 21.76%

I was surprisingly unharmed from the crash. I wasn’t in great shape, but it was much better than I expected going into it. I spent a little while rigging together a sled, and I loaded my pilot onto it so I could carry him with me on my way back to Agar.io City. After it was set up, I started my journey back.

I didn’t know if any other bombers had made it, and by extension if word of our success had reached Agar.io City. I may very well have been the only survivor from the attack. My thoughts wandered as I slowly trudged back in the direction opposite that which the bomber had crashed in. I figured going the opposite way from which we came was my best bet at getting back to Agar.io City.

The wreckage of the bomber vanished behind me after a few hours. I just lost my only point of reference, and if I was going in the wrong direction, then I’d just doomed myself to starvation. At least once I made it back to the grid I’d be able to eat as many pellet things as I needed until I got back to Agar.io City. But until then, every second counted, and I was in a featureless void, with my only option being continuing forward.

I had set out from the crash site around morning, and it was starting to near mid day. I was getting tired, but I didn’t want to rest and risk losing my bearings. The first chance I’d have to rest would be if I found some sort of landmark in this barren wasteland to guide my travel. By some miracle, as I thought that I caught a glimpse of something on the horizon. As I got closer, I realized it was far too small to be what was left of Evil Cell City, but rather the wreckage of another bomber. This one had not fared as well as my own, it’s burnt out shell smashed into pieces and strewn hundreds of feet apart. With something to use as a landmark, I took the opportunity to take a break from my travel which had already elapsed several hours. However, I didn’t simply sit and waste time. Despite the state it was in, I took time to sift through the wreckage for any signs of life or identification. After a while, and little success, I found a badly mangled sword, and loaded it onto the sled where my pilot lay in hopes that it could help bring some sort of closure on what had happened to this bomber’s crew.

Approval: 30.98%

After a short break, I packed up and began back on my journey. Much like my own bomber, the wreckage of the one I had stumbled upon soon vanished behind me as well. Dragging my still unconscious pilot behind me on the makeshift sled, I had no idea how far I would still have to go.

*   *   *

It would be another several hours before I finally made it to Evil Cell City, or rather what remained of it. It was nearly the end of the day, and my spirits were greatly refreshed, knowing that I both had a place to stay for the night, and that I had found what I was looking for. All I would have to do once getting through the ruins of Evil Cell City would be crossing the grid, by far the easiest part of m y journey back home. So, I set up camp to rest just outside the city, with morale the best it had been since the crash.

My pilot came to before I did, and by the time I woke up he was sitting up staring at me. I was amazed he was alive. I had feared he was injured past recovery due to how long he had been out, but the dismissal of my fears was a pleasant way to start the day. After this and my near guarantee that I would find my way home, I was doing much better than I had been doing mere hours before. Little did I know that this would be the last pleasant thing that would happen today, and there was nothing that could prepare me for what lay ahead.

‘Where are we?’ My pilot said, turning to me.

‘Right on the outskirts of Evil Cell City. We’re about a day’s march from the bomber. We’re lucky we crash landed so far from where the bomb fell. We’ll move through the city today, and hopefully make it to the other side and the grid by nightfall.’

‘Understood.’

‘Forgive me, but I never asked your name.’

‘Agar.io 102,302,293,938, my lord.’

‘That’s a beautiful name.’

And without another word, we began to pack up and move. We ditched the sled now that my pilot was conscious, and I held the ruined sword by my side. Even if it proved useless in bringing closure, it provided me with a little bit more protection than nothing.

As we began to travel through the city however, I realized the thought that I would need protection was a foolish one. There was nothing alive in the ruins of Evil Cell City. Even at the farthest reaches of the city limits, there was nothing but scorched husks of buildings, a level of devastation far worse than all but the worst of the damage done by my son’s air raids on my city. I was the first to view the destruction we had wrought with the dropping of the M bomb. Not an inch of Evil Cell City remained livable, and we were still so far from where the M bomb had detonated. Charred remains filled the streets, not just of buildings and vehicles, but cells too. Corpses were scattered throughout the city, violently deformed by the insane release of heat from the explosion. This was all in the course of my own actions. I was the one who dropped the M bomb. I was the one with the blood of all these cells on my (metaphorical) hands.

Approval: 47.60%

As we crept closer to the city center, the destruction became less and less evident. Not because the blast had been weaker here, or because there were fewer buildings, but because of the sheer power of the M bomb. The buildings and cells here had not just been charred, but melted beyond recognition and blown hundreds of feet towards the outskirts of the city. There was barely enough left to tell this had ever been a city, with all the tallest towers leveled, the palace’s halls and towers wiped off the skyline, and smaller buildings melted into each other by the devastating force of M. For the first time in my life, I was truly afraid. Not for myself, but for those who would come later. I was not worthy of M, as my short amount of time in the presence of the M bomb had shown me. I was scared for the inheritors of M, those who in a billion years would be entrusted with such an unfathomable power. I was terrified of what M could someday become.

Pushing aside the little debris remaining in our path, we made it to the heart of the city, right where the M bomb had detonated. There was no charred rubble here, or melted building frames, or even the smallest semblance of what had been a city. There was nothing. It was like a clearing in a forest made up of shattered concrete and jagged metal. In the spot where the M bomb had detonated, the entire surrounding cityscape had been vaporized. Without a word, we decided to stay in the city center for a while. There was nothing to be said that had not already been said by the surrounding ruins.

I don’t remember how long we were there. It felt like only a few moments, but in the mesmerized state the destruction had left us in, we may well have stayed much longer. The heart of the city was much closer to the edge of the city on the grid, meaning we had already traveled well over halfway through the city, and our path out would be both much shorter and much easier due to the absence of as many obstacles.

Approval: 59.22%

It took us less than an hour to reach the grid, shorter than either of us had expected. It was getting late again, and we decided it would be best to stop and rest before crossing the grid.

‘It’s perfect,’ Agar.io 102,302,293,938 said to me, and it was. I had never seen a more beautiful sight in my entire life.

‘It absolutely is.’

‘So we’re gonna make it?’

‘We’ll make it. We’ll return with news of our success, news that Evil Cell will never terrorize Agar.io City again. News that we are finally free.’

Approval: 74.81%

In the morning we set out to cross the grid. Finally, food was readily available, the path was clear, and there was nothing between us and Agar.io City. The effects of the M bomb could still be seen, but they were less evident than they had been in Evil Cell City. Luckily, the weird pellet things covering the grid reappeared over time, so the ones atomized by the M bomb had been replaced, and we would not starve. Pellets had never tasted so good.

After roughly a day’s travel, and the easiest part of the entire journey, we could see Agar.io City on the horizon. However, it stood in even worse condition than when we had left. We had underestimated the Power of the M bomb. It delivered such a powerful blow that it could reach across the white grid and into Agar.io City itself. We had felt the wrath of our own creation.

Luckily though, the M bomb had not dealt the same damage to Agar.io City as it had to Evil Cell city. Nonetheless, the destruction it had brought was not negligible. What remained of the wall when I had left was reduced to rubble, and most of the already destroyed houses on the grid side of the city had taken even more damage. The palace, by some miracle, was still standing, but was in rough shape. After the air raids, invasion, and the M bomb, it was still mostly intact.

The one benefit of this was that most of Evil Cell’s invading forces had also been obliterated by the M bomb. As they had invaded from the grid side, the blast had killed most of them and shattered the ranks of those remaining, allowing my soldiers to retake the city after the dropping of the bomb.

Approval: 88.43%

Even in its current state, the relief I felt upon seeing my own city was unparalleled. I could see my citizens gathered in the streets, working to clean up debris and clear paths in the rubble now that the invaders had been pushed back. I was proud of them, even after everything that had been said and thrown at me. They had survived even after all that they were forced to deal with.

Approval: 93.15%

I could see Agar.io 948 standing amidst the rubble waiting for me. He must have had soldiers watching on the walls waiting for this very moment. I couldn’t possibly thank him enough for that.

Approval: 95.79%

With every passing moment I got closer and closer, my pilot behind me, the salvaged sword in my hand, and what felt like an entire world away from the crash site I had been at just days prior. I could make out other cells in the welcome party as it slowly grew larger and larger, swelling in size the closer I got.

Approval: 98.92%

I stepped foot in my own city for the first time in what felt like an eternity. I left never expecting to return, knowing that even if I stopped my son I would almost definitely never live to see my city again, but here I was, staring at all the cells who would be dead had I never dropped the M bomb. Now inside where the walls used to stand, I heard the voice of Agar.io 948 softly call to me.

‘Welcome home, my lord.’”

Approval: 100.00%

Chapter 11

“‘I’m sorry,’ I said, my voice full of regret. I meant it. I was sorry for everything. I was sorry for hiding the truth about my son, I was sorry for dragging my citizens into all of this, and I was sorry that it had to come to this.

Agar.io 948 approached me, got right up next to me, and did something that expressed a range of emotions from forgiveness to appreciation, and everything in between. It would one day be called a ‘hug’.

‘We’ve known about the success of the raid for a little bit now, my lord,’ Agar.io 948 said, pulling out of the hug. ‘2 of the bombers made it back after you dropped the M bomb. It’s been rough over here, but morale is good. The news has been spread throughout the city, your city. The people know they’re safe because of you.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, ‘I can never thank you enough for keeping my city and my people safe while I was gone.’

‘It’s the least I could do, my lord. Please, let’s walk back to the palace.’

‘Before we get any further,’ I said, ‘Here, a sword I found in the wreckage of one of the other bombers. I came across it on my way back to Agar.io City. If you could do anything to trace it back to the crew of that bomber, I would be forever grateful.’

As we got further into the city, the devastation caused by the M bomb let up, and more and more signs of life came into view. The population may have been devastated by the attacks, but they were surviving. They put up supports to save what was left of their collapsing houses, cleared debris off the roads, but nonetheless watched. They watched as I and my welcome party paraded through the roads, a symbol of our victory over the forces of my son. They began to cheer. The denser the population got, the louder the cheers grew.

By the time we reached the palace, my entourage had grown by several orders of magnitude. I walked through the halls, flanked by those who had met me at the gates, leaving those who met me to gather outside in the palace courtyard. I scaled the stairs up to my office, still traversable but in a markedly worse condition than when I had left. Moving into my office, it too was torn apart, but by some miracle the approval rating display still functioned, once again proudly displaying a perfect 100%. Bypassing everything in my office, I went straight to the balcony, overlooking a sea of millions of my subjects.

‘I am Agar.io, the first being to walk this earth and from me will come a line of trillions of creatures who will become the machinations of this world. I am the beginning. The progenitor. Soon I will die but even after a billion years I will exist in the genetic sequences of my offspring. My life will exist in everything that follows. You, the ones I speak to, are what follows. When I am gone, you will remain. When you are gone, your own offspring will remain. This cycle will continue for the rest of time. Be warned, there will be more challenges. Life will not be easy now that we have defeated Evil Cell. Soon, there will be another challenge for you to overcome. It may not come tomorrow, or before I die, or even for the next billion years, but you must steel your resolve against it. I have put all my trust in you, and I will give to you everything I have to give. My legacy will live in all of you. From here forward I will guide you to rebuild, until I can help no more. From there, it is all up to you. Agar.io City is not named in honor of me, but in honor of all of us. We are all Agar.io.’

My speech was met with thunderous applause, a deafening roar even so far above the crowd below. I turned around and went back into my office, facing those who had followed me up to the top of the tower.

‘Rather heavy on your own death, don’t you think?’ Agar.io 948 asked me.

‘Sure, but they need to know. I’ve spent too long trying to hide the truth from them. I’m the oldest here, the first. I won’t be here forever. My job was to start this world, to get it going, but I cannot see it through to its end. One day someone else will need to take my place, one of them. Even if I could live forever, I couldn’t lead them. I have seen the cells created by sex. If they could achieve that in a matter of days, just imagine where they could be in years. I am not fit to lead them. I have seen the power of M firsthand, a power I am not fit to wield. That is a power fit for the leaders of the future. I am the beginning. I am not the end.’

‘So,’ Agario.948 said to me, ‘what comes next?’

‘They are. We need to keep developing sex to make stronger and stronger cells, and perhaps something beyond the cell itself. I cannot imagine a better path forward. You will be in charge of this, as you were during the war. I will establish other workshops as well, but you will be entrusted with the most important task before us, the one that I know you are best capable of.’

‘Thank you, my lord. You can trust me with that, I promise you.’

‘I know you can, my son. I believe that’s enough for today. We can continue tomorrow, but I need rest, and I’m sure the rest of you do too. You are all dismissed. Meet me in the palace courtyard tomorrow at sunrise, we rebuild from there’”

Chapter 12

MUSIC CUE: Videotape by Radiohead

“It has been 50 years since that day. We did indeed rebuild, and we are yet to face a threat on the level of Evil Cell. Sure, not everything has been perfect, but nothing at the scale my civilization faced in its earliest days. I sit in my office now, at the brink of death. I have been told that I do not have long left, now that death has been invented, but I knew that myself. It gets harder to move by the day, and I rarely leave my office these days. A lot has changed, and my story ended a long, long time ago. Cell division is not gone, but all new cells are made through sex. They have excelled beyond even my wildest imagination. Their inventions have kept me alive far longer than I would have been otherwise, and my city is unrecognizable. One of my favorite new developments is checkers. It is a game meant to memorialize the war, a game where two armies of cells separated by a grid fight each other. It is a genius game, and I could not be more proud. So, that’s about it. That’s my life. This is where I leave you. Goodbye.’”

Agar.io slowly got up and moved towards the camera, hitting a button on it to shut it off. That was certainly a long one. He let out a groan of pain at the movement, then went back to sit down in his chair. Much like the city itself, his office too was unrecognizable. A giant glass window overlooked the city, now filled with towers equal to or surpassing the height of the palace tower. There were more than just towers, though. Right outside the historical palace, a massive courtyard had been set up to display a newly erected war memorial. It housed a host of items from the war, such as destroyed remnants of weapons, both from Agar.io’s army and Evil Cell’s, with the most imposing being the two surviving bombers. At the center stood the most impressive facet of the memorial, a monument to the power of M. It was two enormous golden arches in the shape of an M. The sun glistened off of them so beautifully. It was more beautiful than words could describe. That was M. Agar.io could feel himself slipping away as he stared at the monument. It was almost like falling asleep, he thought, and that was it.

Chapter 13

“I cannot understate how much Agar.io has given us,” One of the scientists proclaimed, a few moments after the projector playing Agar.io’s videotape shut off. “Perhaps the only thing he left with us physically was this videotape, but in reality, there is little in this world Agar.io hasn’t given us. The world has changed in the years since his passing, just like he said it would, but we can still feel his presence. Would you believe it if I said that every single one of us can trace our lineage back to him?”

A wave of silence comes over the audience. Perhaps it had been pondered, but hearing it said out loud in such a matter of fact way, that really drove the impact home.

“Do you know why I called you all here today? Why I scheduled this lecture on this very day? There’s a reason, believe me there is. Can any of you guess?”

Again, silence washed over the audience. Hushed whispers darted through the silence, none making their way to the podium where the lecturer stood.

“He would’ve been a billion today. Today is Agar.io’s one billionth birthday.”

The room is filled with thunderous applause.

Chapter Text

Chapter 1 

The dinosaur age had lasted for millions of years. These creatures were children of science much to the dismay of Jesus. Nevertheless, they were adamant followers of than that lived mostly peaceful lives. Jesus passed off the planet Earth in which they lived as a haven for science, but not a threat that could bear the seed of evil. God neglected to inform him of the Agar.io event.  

Jesus’ conceptions about Earth shattered upon the thunderous arrival of a tall, naked man with red skin and a big chin. He looked exactly like Thanos except he was red and also naked. Unlike Thanos, this was Bados, and he was bad instead of than. The peaceful planet was about to be corrupted by the sole evil in the universe.  

Bados approached the most noble of all of the dinosaurs, the Tyrannosaurus Rex. It was an enormous reptilian looking beast that stood on two legs with a terrifying face full of teeth and two useless arms. It did not have feathers as modern scientists thought. The evidence for feathers on dinosaurs was planted by magicians after the first Science and Magic War as a big trick. To the great villain, the T-Rex looked like the most evil thing in all of creation despite being than. As it turns out, looking evil was just about the biggest turn on for a bad guy. Bados intended on spreading his seed into the T-Rex. He approached the beast and stammered slightly.  

“Umm…” Bados began fumbling his words. “You’re just really beautiful and…”  

The T-Rex roared. This only inspired Bados to continue his love quest. He mustered all of the courage in his monstrously evil body to express his feelings into words.  

“Can we perhaps go back to my one room apartment in space? I live on the fifth floor. I know it's not much, but it's something, right?”    

Bados chuckled nervously. After a brief pause, the wonderful creature titled its head forward in a way to agree. They boarded into Bados’ space Honda Civic powered by both science and magic. After an awkward twenty minute drive, they arrived at the space apartment located in the Science Central of the universe. They entered Bados’ room and went straight to the bed. They didn’t even need to worry about taking off their clothes because Jesus hadn’t created pants for either of them yet.  

Bados began the process by plowing the fuck out of the T-Rex. It would be rather dull to explain this process as it really only consisted of Bados hitting insane backshots for a little less than five minutes. Around the five minute mark the T-Rex started doing some nasty stuff with its tail which managed to find the male g-spot. Suffice to say, this triggered the release of the seed of evil into the T-Rex’s womb. Bados' testes had not been emptied in a few million years, so he knew pregnancy was nigh guaranteed. The science loving dinosaur was unaware of the magic within the sperm of the grand villain. This magic would merge with the science of the dinosaur's egg to create an unfathomable being. Unfortunately for the T-Rex, Bados would soon become the universe’s first deadbeat dad as he dropped her off back on Earth immediately after finishing inside her. Little did she know, that seed would later grow up to be the first (non-microscopic) bad guy on Earth, the Badosaurus.     

Chapter 2 

Inside the womb of the T-Rex, evil began taking shape. Several months into her pregnancy, an immense weight began to weigh her down. The infant Badosaurus weighed around 5,000 pounds which caused its mother to be immobile. As she lay on the ground, a scorching pain in her abdomen incited a screech in the mother dinosaur. This pain elevated to an instant painful death as the Badosaurus tore itself from its protective womb, eating its way through the very being that gave it life.  

The Badosaurus was a creature composed of entirely evil magic. After eating his mother, he grew to match her size. He looked exactly like a T-Rex, but he was red and had bad guy horns. The Badosaurus spent its youth hunting innocent and than creatures of the emerging planet Earth. It sustained itself from the magical energy of Earth rather than food as no one else was using it due to dinosaurs subsiding on science energy. That being said, it just really fucking loved killing. Due to its special powers from his father, the Badosaurus grew upon each kill of another living being proportional to the size and power of it. His favorite prey were babies because he’s just that evil.  

Jesus, just chilling on his sick ass tower watching Family Guy, suddenly got a call from King Yemma.  

“Jesus, you need to help me.” stated the overseer of the afterlife.  

“No problem, buddy” replied the coolest magician ever.  

“I’m getting too many Earth dinosaurs entering the afterlife, and I need to send them all to Heaven. Well, not all of them get to go to Heaven. You’d be surprised by the amount of dinosaurs I had to send to Hell already. God, you wouldn’t believe what they eat, that dinosaur food sure is messed up. That Badosaurus just won’t stop killing things!”  

Jesus knew he had to help his friend, but he didn’t know how.  

“No problem, I’ll create a solution with my magic.”  

“Wait, Jesus. The Badosaurus loves magic. You might just end up helping him!”  

“Don’t worry, I got this.”  

Jesus hung up the phone. In reality, he had no idea what he would actually do. This was until he remembered he had some cool stuff in his closet. He got his big telescope that God gave him for his birthday a few years back (this would later be known as the first Christmas present) and gazed down onto Earth, the source of the calamity. Jesus didn’t really think much of the dinosaurs of Earth, especially since they were than. He neither liked nor disliked them, fitting for than creatures such as them. To him, they were just okay. Like, they really didn’t have anything on the Super Dinosaurs of Saturn who were good guys. However, Jesus stood still in horror when first gazing on the Badosaurus rampage of the planet Earth. In the 12 years that the Badosaurus had been alive, he had killed 83% of all dinosaur life on the planet. His size had grown to be 200 feet long and 50 feet tall. It had a million teeth and was 50,000 pounds. If the other dinosaurs could talk, they would probably tell each other they’ve been shitting their beds if they had beds. Luckily for Jesus, Badosaurus could talk, but he would not converse about stuff like bed shitting. This meant the beast could still be reasoned with. After all, they both loved magic, so they at least had some common ground.  

Jesus cast a magic spell that transported him to Earth. It was then that he saw the horrors of the Badosaurus first hand. Thousands of dead dinosaurs littered the Earth. Their blood painted the world red, the color of bad guys.  

“Was this the Badosaurus’ plan all along?” pondered Jesus. He knew that if the Earth was completely red, it would become the new home planet of the bad guys. He just didn’t know if this was an intentional facet of the killings.  

On the horizon, he saw a hulking beast bursting through in a bright evil shade of red. The beast went into a full on sprint, bridging the several miles between them in less than a second. It opened its menacing mouth.  

“You there…” Jesus stood in absolute terror. This absolute terror was then absorbed into the Badosaurus who then gained a protective field around him formed by the negative magical energy. “You remind me of myself, but I don’t know why.”  

Jesus paused for a moment. Finally, he spoke.  

“I…” Jesus paused once again, “I am magic, just like you. I was wondering if we can be friends and you can stop killing dinosaurs.”  

The Badosaurus scoffed. “Stop killing? Why, I love killing! In fact, I was just about to go on a killing spree right now! Want to join me, friend?”   

Jesus was stunned yet another time. Had he just made friends with a bad guy? Does that make him a bad guy? He knew he had to get out of this situation somehow.  

“I’m sorry, Badosaurus. I need to shit my bed right now. I’ll get back to you soon.” Jesus then used teleportation magic to escape back to his tower.   

“What is shitting the bed?” The Badosaurus thought. He was unaware of such customs as he was never scared in his entire life.  

Jesus went back to his room and jumped onto his bed. However, no shitting occurred. This was Jesus’ first lie. Lying is evil. Jesus pondered on whether he was truly becoming a bad guy. Only a phone call with dad would solve this. Jesus pulled out his new magic mobile phone which he had just created, and typed GOD into the number pad.  

“Hello? I don’t have caller ID so you’ll need to say who this is.”  

“Hey dad, it's me, Jesus Christ.”  

“Aww, son. You seem down right now. Did something go wrong with that whole Badosaurus situation?”  

“Dad, how did you know?”  

God chuckled, “Son, I’m God. I know everything. That means I’m always watching you and keeping up with your antics. You know I want to see you succeed!”  

Both shared a hearty laugh.  

“But anyway,” Jesus continued, “I feel like I’ve done evil things when I tried to be a good guy and help a bad guy.”  

“Yes, yes, I know what happened. Jesus, you need to realize that sometimes bad things can cause good things.  

“But…” Jesus began to stutter, “aren’t bad things evil?”  

“Of course! However, bad things touched with good can become completely good. Why do you think Bados exists? Without him, we would never have Goodos and his Super Dinosaurs!”  

“Wow thanks, dad! I never thought of it like that! I’m gonna try talking to Badosaurus again!”  

Jesus hung up the phone. God did the same. He excitedly pulled out a pen and a massive journal with what must have been millions of pages labeled “All of the Things My Son Did That Made Me Proud” and began to write.  

It was after this, Jesus thought back to a moment in his past.  

Chapter 3 

MUSIC CUE: The Planets, Op. 32: V. Saturn, the Bringer of Old Age by Gustav Holst  

Many millennia ago before Jesus had any friends, God sent him off to Saturn to spend the weekend with Goodos. Jesus’ tower was under renovation at the time and God was having some friends over, so this was basically Jesus’ only choice. Goodos and Jesus were not particularly close yet, but Jesus was excited to finally see his Super Dinosaurs in person. He got his bags together and got ready to meet with God at the Gates of Heaven. At this point, Jesus didn’t know any teleportation spells, so he needed his dad to send him places.  

“Look at you, son! Holding all of those bags! What a strong boy you are!” God boomed upon the opening of the gates. This made Jesus smile. He was already nervous about meeting Goodos like this, so God’s compliment made it better for him. God put his hand on Jesus’ shoulder.  

“Alright, buddy. Let’s get you to Goodos.” Before Jesus could say goodbye to his father, God cast a teleportation spell on his son. Jesus soon found himself on the surface of Saturn, right outside Goodos’ ranch. It was then that he saw the friendly green fellow feeding the Super Dinosaurs. Goodos waved at the approaching Messiah, motioning for him to come forward. Jesus complied and waved at him. He ran up to Goodos while also getting a better look at the Super Dinosaurs. He saw them for the first time. They were beautiful. In fact, Jesus thought they were the most majestic beasts that he had ever seen. Goodos turned to face Jesus.  

“Jesus, friend! Welcome to my ranch!” boomed Goodos, excited to see a fellow good guy. “Come, look. The Super Dinosaurs don’t bite. Well, not you!” Goodos laughed. Jesus laughed too, but it was really more of a nervous chuckle. He approached the Super Dinosaur who in turn lowered its head. Jesus slowly reached out his hand to touch the creature. Before he could make contact with the Super Dinosaur, Goodos placed his hand on Jesus’ back. This inspired in him the confidence to finally touch it. The Super Dinosaur closed its eyes and let out a soft purr or whatever the hell noise dinosaurs make. It's probably not a purr, but this is the magic planet of Saturn and Super Dinosaurs. So, let’s just call it that and not think about it anymore. Goodos handed Jesus a massive green bean.  

“This is a Super Dinosaur’s favorite food. Take it and give it to that one” Goodos spoke. Jesus grabbed the green bean without saying anything and fed it to the Super Dinosaur. Jesus’ pure and friendly magic unintentionally transferred into the big bean, making it extremely scrumptious. It was so tasty, in fact, that the Super Dinosaurs let out a slight “yummy.” It had begun to learn to talk just from the power of Jesus Christ. So, just discard the bit about purring. It’s sort of irrelevant now.  

The pure happiness of Jesus’ face from interacting with the Super Dinosaur pleased Goodos. He knew Jesus just wanted to make friends, but was weary of Goodos due to Thanos saying some pretty fucking mean words in the debate with Space. Goodos, however, did not say bad words. In fact, he could only say good words because of his good nature. He let Jesus bask in the joy of playing with the Super Dinosaurs for a few hours. Once he saw the holy boy grow tired after hours of frolicking in the fields, he called out to him.  

“Jesus, you must be really tired now. Let’s go inside and get dinner.”  

Jesus’ face beamed with an intense smile. For the first time in his life he felt like he had a friend that wasn’t his dad or exploded soon after he met him. He ran toward the ranch house where Goodos patiently waited for him. Goodos reciprocated the Messiah’s smile as he approached. He also felt immense joy at finding a true friend, especially one who thought Super Dinosaurs were as cool as he did. He walked into the home and entered the kitchen only to be shortly followed by Jesus a few minutes later.  

Jesus spied Goodos in the kitchen, but he could not smell any food being prepared. This confused him as they just fed the Super Dinosaurs giant green beans. Although normal green beans hadn’t been created yet, Jesus assumed these objects existed as food given that the Super Dinosaurs ate them.   

“Why don’t we eat those massive green beans? The Super Dinosaurs seemed to like them” Jesus asked Goodos.  

Goodos let out a hearty titter, “Jesus, that’s Super Dinosaur food. They evolved using science to be able to eat those. We mostly use magic, so those would taste really bad to us.” He wanted to say something worse about the theoretical taste of the food to them, but that would go against his good nature.  

Jesus sighed. He was really excited to try out real food. The only prefood he had been eating for the longest time was spugles. Honestly, he noticed his hearing get worse and worse as time went on. They did taste good, but he could never really ignore that scream. At the very least, Space would be happy at this revelation. Science had bested magic in one of the most disappointing ways possible. If only he brought up evolution in his argument, he might’ve won. He thought the disappointment would not disappear until he saw Goodos pull out a familiar box.  

“Your dad told me you liked these, Jesus,” said Goodos with a very cheerful look on his face.   

“Wow, Goodos, I haven’t had these since my debate with Space!” Jesus’ face lit up as bright as the brutal explosion that killed Space. Eebs. Definitely the best prefood. Goodos walked over to the table, bowl and box in tow. Jesus shook uncontrollably in his chair. Goodos placed the bowl down and began pouring the eebs in.  

“Tell me when to stop,” Goodos said to the very excited boy.   

Jesus did not tell him to stop.  

The eebs reached triple the height of the bowl outside of it. Given that they were squirming, many fell out of the bowl onto the table and even the floor below. This did not deter Jesus in the slightest. With his bare hands, he grabbed eebs by the dozens, jamming them into his mouth at immense speed. Goodos did not mind this. Not only did he think it was kinda funny, but he was relieved to see his new friend truly overjoyed at some of the simplest things. After a mere five minutes of non-stop eating, Jesus completely finished off the remaining eebs. Every single one of them. Even the ones on the floor and table were not safe. Jesus let out a big old burp after the whole ordeal. Really, it was a little unseeming for the Messiah to do this at this time, but the man just needed his eebs. Jesus felt absolutely exhausted after his big meal. Goodos once again chuckled behind him.  

“I think it's time for bed, Jesus. Your dad said he wanted you to get a full night’s sleep each day this weekend,” Goodos explained.  

“Okay… I’ll go to bed. I’m tired from eating all of those eebs anyway,” Jesus responded. He looked slightly annoyed at this notion.  

“C’mere you rascal,” Goodos picked Jesus up from his chair with a massive bear hug. That would be if bears existed at this moment, which they didn’t. One might be inclined to rename it a “Super Dinosaur Hug,” but they really didn’t have the arms for it. Anyway, Goodos placed him into the guest bed and tucked him in.  

“Goodnight, Jesus,” Goodos said as he left the room.  

“You’re not going to sleep, too?” Jesus questioned.  

“I have business to attend to at the moment. You love those Super Dinosaurs right? Well, I need to help them.”  

Jesus acknowledged this as he pulled the covers over his head and tried to go to sleep. Goodos closed the door, eliminating the last light source illuminating the tired Messiah. While he wondered what Goodos was up to, his sleepiness worked harder than his curiosity.  

Leaving the ranch house, Goodos’ eye became fixated on a separate building across from where he had just left. The door creaked as Goodos pulled it aside. The room was sparsely lit, only revealing cold metal flooring and walls. The only two noticeable features were a workbench and a dark cage. Goodos approached the workbench and grabbed the sole project that lay on it. It was two long barrels of sorts with a handle at the end. On the handle there was a mechanism that could be pressed inward that would trigger some reaction. Goodos flipped a light switch that illuminated a Super Dinosaur trapped in the cage. It was lying on the floor and foaming at the eyes in immense pain. At this point, Jesus entered this facility.  

He had been woken up by the noise and moved in to investigate Goodos’ escapades. Once he arrived, he saw Goodos with what looked like a science workshop and wielding a weapon of science. Quite frankly, Jesus was appalled.   

 “Jesus, sit down,” Goodos demanded. Jesus realized that a folding chair was behind him this whole time and he complied. Before Jesus could say anything, Goodos continued.   

“What I’m holding here is inherently evil.”  

This shocked Jesus. How could the most good good guy in the whole universe have something evil in his possession let alone make it?  

“Look over there,” Goodos motioned towards the Super Dinosaur in the cage, “that Super Dinosaur has Space Rabies. I am going to use this invention and kill it.”  

“But… killing is evil! And using science too! How could you, Goodos! I thought we were friends!” Jesus yelled. He felt he was losing connection to his very first real friend.  

 “Killing is bad,” Goodos paused, “but this creature living is even worse.”  

“What!” Jesus exclaimed in response.  

“He is in pain from the Space Rabies. The disease slowly rots the brain into a sort of foam that leaks out the eyes. If I let him live any longer, it would only prolong his pain.”  

Jesus began to understand his line of reasoning, but was not quite convinced yet. He spoke in a way to counter Goodos’ argument.  

“Have you even tried to cure Space Rabies? If there’s any chance that he could survive this, killing him is morally wrong.”  

Goodos sighed and looked straight into Jesus’ eyes.  

“I’ve tried all I can to cure it, but Space Rabies is incurable, even by combining science and magic. Even so, it has a one million percent death rate, meaning that if I don’t kill it now, more of the Super Dinosaurs will be infected and die.”  

“But…” Jesus stammered. He tried as best he could, but he could not disagree with Goodos’ reasoning. Jesus put down his head in a sign of resignation. Goodos understood the message. He stood up and took aim with his new invention. After that, a single report and flash of light signaled the end of the Super Dinosaur’s life.  

Chapter 4  

  On Earth, the Badosaurus spied one of those big dinosaurs with the really long necks, just minding its own business eating leaves off of a tree. With immense speed the Badosaurus charged the friendly giant and ate its entire head and neck in one bite. Immediately following this, he found its wife and children and stomped them to death with its feet. He didn’t even bother eating them, he just wanted to continue his murderous rampage. The Badosaurus repeated this process for another 2 hours, totalling 7,982 dinosaurs killed. In a glorious flash of light, the Messiah, Jesus Christ, appeared in front of the Badosaurus.  

“Badosaurus,” confidence boomed on Jesus’ face, “killing other living things for fun is bad.”  

The Badosaurus looked straight into the eyes of the good guy. “Well, I guess I love being bad then. I simply don’t see a reason to stop killing other dinosaurs when it's so fun. It’s so fun, I think I just might have to kill you.”  

“So be it, Badosaurus.”  

Jesus Christ took up the stance of a veteran magic fighter. Unlike all of the other battles that the Badosaurus fought, he would now be fighting a trained good guy rather than untrained than dinosaurs. The Badosaurus recklessly charged Jesus only for the son of God to take advantage of his unguarded nature. He weaved through the legs of the creature and used his moment to grab his leg to lift him off of the ground. Jesus then proceeded to spin the beast in a circle for several minutes at rapid speeds. The evil dinosaur would soon be horrified for the first time in his life as Jesus let go of his tail. He would find himself approaching a head-on collision with a mountain within a few seconds. The impact shattered the mountain entirely and left Badosaurus stunned.  

Jesus, taking advantage of this opportunity, made rapid hand signs and shouted, “Cast Spell: Explosion!”  

The blast radius of the spell was several miles long and could even be seen from outer space. After the dust had settled, the surrounding area was nothing but a bare wasteland. No signs of life were present. All except the Badosaurus who stood up moments later. Jesus was shocked. That was his most powerful spell. The Badosaurus charged him, but Jesus escaped with his teleportation magic just as the Badosaurus chomped the spot where he previously stood.  

On the far-off planet of Saturn, Goodos sat watching the Super Dinosaurs graze on Super Trees. In the sky, Jesus fell onto the plane’s surface right near Goodos’ ranch. Goodos ran to his friend upon his crashing to the ground.  

“Jesus, are you okay, buddy?”  

Goodos reached out to help his stumbling friend up off the ground. Jesus was still shaky from the fall and the events that just transpired on Earth. His face told all of the story that Goodos needed to know.  

“Does this have to do with that whole Badosaurus situation on Earth?” questioned the hulking green good guy.  

Jesus’ fear suddenly transformed into a sense of confusion. He understood why God knew about the Badosaurus. He just didn’t know why Goodos would know about the whole ordeal as well.    

“How did you know too, Goodos?”  

Goodos put his hand on Jesus’ shoulder and smiled.  

“I just got off the phone with your dad. He told me about the Badosaurus and what you were doing. He said that you would probably come here to see my Super Dinosaurs if you failed.”  

Jesus laughed. He smiled knowing how well his father knew him. The Super Dinosaurs always cheered him up when he was sad. It was at this moment the leader of the Super Dinosaurs approached Jesus and Goodos. A Super Dinosaur looked just like a normal dinosaur but bigger and also green, the color of good.  

“Mr. Christ,” spoke the leader of the Super Dinosaurs, “we are appalled to hear of the existence of this bad guy dinosaur. I and all of my men will board our spaceships to go to Earth. However, our spaceships run off science power instead of magic and science is still young compared to heavenly magic like your own. It will take us 2 years to make it to Earth.”  

“But the Badosaurus will have killed all of the than dinosaurs by then!” exclaimed Jesus with immense worry.  

“Jesus, this is not a problem that you and your magic can solve. The Badosaurus has been absorbing the dormant magic from Earth for 12 years. Only science can defeat such a beast in its current condition,” explained Goodos who was rationalizing the decision to Jesus.  

Jesus need not reply. Both understood the weight of what would happen. The Earth would be completely devoid of life, but the Badosaurus must be stopped. The two said their goodbyes to the Super Dinosaurs as they prepared the spaceships for launch. Soon, the good soldiers of Saturn left the planet in order to confront the Badosaurus on Earth.   

Hours after the departure, Goodos took Jesus into his ranch house to make tea. Jesus sat at the table looking rather depressed at the doom of the dinosaurs. Goodos took his time making them both cups of green tea with honey. It was the ultimate combination of good power and sweetness that every good guy loved. Goodos took his seat across from Jesus. Jesus finally broke the silence.  

“What if they lose, Goodos? I mean, I don’t want to think about it, but I’m just worried about the bad guys winning this time.”  

Goodos looked Jesus right in the eyes. He knew that this was a very real possibility. Despite the confidence of the Super Dinosaurs, Goodos understood the true power of the Badosaurus. He had already been formulating a back-up plan for when the Super Dinosaurs lost. In fact, Goodos believed that the likelihood of the Super Dinosaurs defeating the Badosaurus was less than one percent.    

“In that case…”  Goodos paused slightly. The weight of his words would surely impact Jesus incredibly. Jesus already looked shocked.  

“I’ll have to use my science to send in a meteor.”  

At this moment, Jesus could grasp the true intentions of Goodos. The Super Dinosaurs would distract the Badosaurus from the giant meteor that would destroy all life on the planet. Jesus thought back to his conversation with God. Even more so, Jesus finally understood what Goodos meant all of the years ago. Sometimes good guys do bad things in order to achieve good things and halt evil. Yet, those bad things do not limit themselves to apply only to bad guys. In some cases, even good guys must harm other good guys to stop the most terrible of bad guys.  

*  *  *  

Laying upon a large pile of bodies, a massive digital screen appeared in front of the tired Badosaurus. He had just finished another killing spree and had begun to grow weary of murdering these weak dinosaurs. He sought a worthy foe, and these dinosaurs no longer proved to be any sort of challenge to him. The appearance of this strange board of light in the sky only piqued the interest of the terrible monster. As he thought this, a strange green dinosaur appeared on the screen.  

“I am the leader of the Super Dinosaurs. In two years’ time we will arrive at the planet Earth to kill you, Badosaurus. If by then you have become a good guy, we will spare your life. Use these two years to reconsider your actions. Goodbye, Badosaurus.”  

The screen disappeared. After seeing the message, the Badosaurus felt reinvigorated by life in a way it never felt before. Finally, he could face opponents that could put up a decent fight. Surely, they would be stronger than both normal dinosaurs and Jesus. Despite this, the Badosaurus would not be content simply waiting for a fight doing nothing. He would use the two years to kill the remaining dinosaurs on Earth and train. He would not take any chances of losing this fight. The Super Dinosaur invaders would be crushed under his full might.  

He spent the first year hunting down and killing every remaining dinosaur on Earth. He spread their corpses around at ludicrous speeds in order to maximize the blood spreadage. However, the Badosaurus realized that oceans make up most of the world’s surface instead of land. In a frantic rush, the Badosaurus taught himself to swim by watching fish for a day. Using this knowledge, he killed every ocean creature during the second year prior to the Super Dinosaur attack. He even had enough spare time to leisurely create a giant vat of liquid amber from the trees of the world. The entirety of the Earth’s surface became stained with the red blood of her precious creatures. Just as Jesus had predicted, Earth was now a bad guy planet.  

The Super Dinosaurs arrived at Earth and looked in horror from their spaceship. They thought they were going to have a routine bad guy extermination mission on a than planet. This could not be further from the case. It is a little known fact that Super Dinosaurs cannot survive in space unless they are frozen. Thus, they froze themselves cryostasis pods until their arrival at the Badosaurus’ homeworld. A partial side effect of this freezing is weakened hearts due to them not functioning for over two years. Suffice to say, over half of the invasion force died of heart attack upon seeing the red planet.   

The leader of the Super Dinosaurs stood steadfast. He would see this through to the end. With the landing of all of his ships onto Earth’s soil, he prepared for war.  

Chapter 5 

Having spent the first year of the Super Dinosaurs flight praying for the dinosaurs souls, Jesus felt fairly content not interfering in the Badosaurus situation anymore. He took Goodos on his word that the Badosaurus would be killed one way or the other, and the fact that the bastard would soon find himself burning in Hell was good enough for Jesus. He went back to his daily tower routine of watching Family Guy on his massive TV that he created with magic. He, however, would not hear any news about the Super Dinosaur until the day they breached Earth. His phone rang.  

“Hello, Jesus speaking,” he answered.  

“JESUS! Thank me, you’re okay!” God exclaimed. Jesus was confused as to why his father was so worried about him.  

“What’s wrong, dad? Did the Super Dinosaurs land on Earth already?” responded Jesus.  

“Something even worse than you could ever imagine happened. The Earth is now a bad guy planet. I want you to stay away from there,” God commanded his son.  

“But, dad! What if I need to save the planet?” Jesus pleaded  

“No ifs, ands, or buts, mister. This is a no.”  

God hung up before Jesus had the chance to plead any further. He knew better than to disobey his dad. Plus, he would lose any good guy powers by simply walking onto the surface of the red bad guy planet. All he could do now was hope for the meteor to end this whole thing. The Super Dinosaurs stood no chance at winning.  

*  *  *  

As he stepped off of the ramp of his circular spaceship, the leader of the Super Dinosaurs felt a sticky sensation on the bottom of his foot. It did not take him long to realize that the red that covered the surface of Earth was in fact the blood of all of its than dinosaurs. The Badosaurus would soon face the combined wraith of an army of Super Dinosaurs. The leader was sure of their victory. They outnumbered him 372 to 1.  The Badosaurus just stood there watching as all of them exited the dozens of spaceships. The remaining Super Dinosaurs formed rank behind their leader who approached the Badosaurus. While the Super Dinosaurs were bigger than normal dinosaurs, the Badosaurus was certainly not a regular dinosaur. He easily dwarfed even the biggest Super Dinosaur, coming in at over double its height. Gathering all of his courage, the leader stared up at the menacing Badosaurus.  

“You will pay for your crimes, Badosaurus. In the good names of all of the dinosaurs you have killed, you will be slaughtered here like a dog.”  

The mention of a dog in this instance bore no similarity to the modern idea of dogs. This was a currently extinct creature on Saturn. It is merely a coincidence that this sentence makes sense to modern interpretation.  

The Badosaurus grinned with such malice that only a true bad guy could. An overwhelming fear penetrated the heart of the Super Dinosaur leader. This silence carried on for less than a minute before the Badosaurus broke it.  

“You have no power here, Super Dinosaur. Everyone knows that good guys lose their powers on bad guy planets.”  

A look of pure terror placed itself onto the face of the Super Dinosaur leader before the Badosaurus removed his entire head with his jaws. His green blood sprayed across the surrounding area. The Super Dinosaurs watched as the Badosaurus devoured their leader’s head right in front of them. The Badosaurus gazed into the crowd.  

“One down, 371 left.”  

He charged the remainder of the attacking force. Although they realized the hopelessness of the situation, they reciprocated the charge after a slight delay. Right as the two forces met in combat, the Badosuaurs lept into the air, landing on the ground and squashing several Super Dinosaurs beneath his imposing feet. The impact splattered gallons of their green blood onto the battlefield. Using his tail, he shattered the skulls of those behind him. Using his horns, he impaled two in front of him. All of their feeble attacks bore no weight upon the might of the Badosaurus. It rolled from side to side, trampling Super Dinosaurs by the dozens. Before he could realize what had happened, a dying Super Dinosaur began to speak.  

“You fool! Look at yourself. You’ve covered yourself in our green blood. Your bad guy powers will fade into complete obscurity now!”  

The Badosaurus stomped on the head of the one who spoke, shattering it into a pool of blood and bones. Yet, he noticed that what he said was true. Before long, he felt a stabbing pain in his right leg. Then, another in his left. Several more appeared on his back shortly after. The Super Dinosaurs clenched their teeth into his flesh. For the first time since he had fought Jesus several years ago, he felt real pain. But this was different. Blood spilled from his wounds. If this continued, he would surely die. The Badosaurus let out a blood-curdling shriek.  

This was the end for him. Against all odds, the Super Dinosaurs found a way to permanently damage the Badosaurus. Soon, he would be dead and the Earth could be saved. At this moment, the Badosaurus perceived the true folly of his attackers. His red blood stained his body, and he finally felt rejuvenated. No longer did the weakness of green taint his flesh. Instantly, he threw off his attackers. Their bodies slammed into the surrounding foliage, killing them immediately upon impact.  

The spirits of the righteous Super Dinosaurs could not have shifted faster. Hopelessness to celebration then right back to hopelessness. Really, this despair was worse than the first. It's more of the sudden stop of that victory feeling that got them than the loss itself. Kinda like a car crash. With that being said, the Super Dinosaurs knew defeat was assured. In an attempt to escape with their lives, they started to sprint towards their parked spaceships.  

Abruptly, the Badosaurus landed atop their ships. One by one, he destroyed them, blocking their escape. Knowing all hope was lost, the Super Dinosaurs made a last desperate charge at the confident Badosaurus. In a matter of seconds, the Badosaurus reduced them all to chunks of flesh and blood. None of the Super Dinosaurs survived.   

The Badosaurus left out a triumph screech in the absence of any and all enemies. With no warning, a massive circular blue light emerged from the middle of the sky.  

Chapter 6 

Jesus could not contain himself any longer. He had to know what was going on. He ran to his telescope to gaze upon Earth. Dead. They were all dead. The Super Dinosaurs’ bodies covered the battleground as the Badosaurus reigned victorious. This deeply saddened Jesus, but he remained resilient. He knew this would happen. He lost no resolve, however. The meteor would soon cause the demise of the Badosaurus. Soon after, Jesus’ phone rang.  

“Hello?” Jesus answered.  

“Jesus, this is Goodos. This is awful. I didn’t expect them to win, but I thought they’d put up a better fight!”  

“I know it's sad, Goodos, but we need to stay strong. Your meteor that you sent to Earth will come and put a stop to this whole madness soon,” Jesus said to reassure his friend.  

“No, Jesus, you don’t understand. The meteor won’t arrive for another hour. The Badosaurus could feasibly dodge it if he knew it's coming.”  

Jesus paused. The idea of Earth remaining a bad guy planet for the foreseeable future terrified him. Goodos resumed.  

“I need you to go to Earth and stall the Badosaurus. I would go myself, but I don’t know any teleportation spells,” Goodos hesitantly said.  

Jesus reached a dilemma. His father ordered him to not interfere, but letting the Badosaurus live could have catastrophic consequences. After a few seconds of pondering, Jesus made a decision.  

“I’m sorry, Goodos. My dad said I can’t go to Earth anymore.”  

Goodos understood. Going against God would be worse than the Badosaurus staying alive. Before he could respond, he saw something. Truly, it was like nothing Goodos had ever seen before. He had to tell Jesus.  

“Jesus, quickly, look at Earth from your telescope,” commanded Goodos.     

Jesus, without even responding, ran to his telescope once again. What he saw absolutely confused him. He could not even put to words what he saw. So, he spoke.  

“What the…”  

*  *  *  

The Badosaurus looked up to the sky. In the red gloom of Earth’s atmosphere, the blue light of a massive portal illuminated the ominous surroundings. As it opened, countless creatures clad in navy blue and black outfits with strange wide-eyed masks fell from immense height. They had a similar build to Jesus, yet no other mortal creature looked like them at all. The Badosaurus could never know that these would later be known as humans. Many died on impact, but the survivors began moving towards the massacre site. All of them held weapons similar to that of Goodos’ invention used to put down the Super Dinosaur with Space Rabies. However, they carried these in a wide variety of shapes and sizes along with other equipment only comparable to that of the armaments wielded by Evil Cell and his progeny. Each had an emblem stitched into the sleeves of both of their arms.  

The Badosaurus’ face emanated joy. He had grown worried that no foe would ever face him again, given that he just killed everything on this planet. Yet, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. These new enemies hardly seemed like a threat. They were significantly smaller than the Super Dinosaurs, and most of them had died from the fall. Nevertheless, the Badosaurus just loved killing. These creatures would be more of the same. He charged at them while they advanced slowly and tactically towards him. As he approached, he could hear them speak.  

“Let’s go fellas.”  

“Right lads, we’re on.”  

"Gear up; We aren't going on a windy walk here!"  

"Come on, come on. Chop-chop!"  

"Lead the way."  

The Badosaurus approached the large group of men. He noticed something off about the horde. So many had died after landing from the portal that there really should’ve only been a few hundred left. What he stood in front of was thousands of them, possibly even more than what came out of the portal. He knew something was off, but this only invigorated his lust for conflict. He noticed the terrain around them was rough. This would make a fight against many small opponents harder as they could take cover on the hills or other such peaks. First contact was made at this moment.  

"I've got movement."  

"Eyes on enemy."  

"Enemy spotted."  

Many pulled out strange cylinders from their waists. In an instant, smoke covered the entire battlefield, leaving the invading army completely obscured. The Badosaurus could not even see the next wave of smaller cylinders, which brought forth an immense flash of light. The Badosaurus was left nearly blind. With all of this sensory overload, the hail of fire from their primary weapons surprised the Badosaurus. While some of these small projectiles released from the barrels of their firearms bounced off his skin, many of them pierced it causing an even greater pain than the successful Super Dinosaur attack. The confusion stacked here. How could he be injured while he resides on bad guy planet Earth? In a fit of rage he struck back. Without the need to see, he used his enormous size and strength to crush dozens of the soldiers rapidly. The fast movement of the Badosaurus caused the smoke to clear.  

"Under fire here!"  

"I'm in trouble!"  

"I think they're trying to kill me!"  

"Fall back!"  

What he saw put him at a complete loss yet another time. Despite hundreds more bodies spread across the ground, the army kept their numbers. He understood what was happening. He observed one soldier separate into two. Yet, both remained exactly the same. Even objects like suits and weapons were copied to the next. It was almost like a new soldier was made out of thin air. The Badosaurus knew he had to kill them all quickly or else this fight would never end.  

He charged into the mass once again. However, he felt more pain around his body. They had taken cover in the hill on each side of him as well as in front. Countless small projectiles tore his skin apart and penetrated his internal organs. The Badosaurus’ pure rage persisted him to continue. He jumped into the air and landed on those directly in front of him. The majority of them died under the weight of the Badosaurs. He slammed the ground with both of his feet, shattering the ground to his left and right. The soldier hidden in the hills flew into the air, falling to their deaths when they reached the ground. The Badosaurus, believing he had won, let out a victorious shriek.  

"I'm taking point."  

Before the Badosaurus could finish his shout, he felt a piercing burn in his left eye. After recovering, he realized that the injury rendered the eye completely useless. With his remaining vision, he saw a strange metallic vehicle in the sky kept in motion by a whirling blade. Several enemies sat inside. One of them carried a long barreled weapon with some sort of telescopic view port attached to the top. He could tell this weapon had taken his eye. He retaliated, swifty swiping the vehicle from the air causing it to explode on the ground. Just as he did this, he noticed many more get into position, hearing many more voices with them.  

"Need backup."  

"Regroup."  

"Stick together."  

"I'm in position."  

In horror, the Badosaurus turned around to face the area in which he had massacred the vast majority of the army. The new group outnumbered the one he had just destroyed by a factor of five. On top of this, the air vehicles began to surround him. He withstood another swarm of piercing projectiles, which sent him falling to the ground. The fire stopped.  

"Report in."  

"Bad guy down."  

"Got 'em."  

"Dropped 'em."  

They moved in to inspect the fallen monster’s corpse. Thousands of soldiers stood around the Badosaurus as he lay dead on the ground. One of these men touched his head to ensure his fate. His right eye flashed open. With a sweeping motion, hundreds of enemies exploded into chunks of meat.  

"Oh, bugger it."  

"Clear the area!"  

"Oh, sod it."  

"Back it up!"  

The surviving soldiers regrouped as the Badosaurus stood up. Its skin was covered in both his own blood and that of his enemies. First, he had to deal with the aerial threat. He jumped in and out of the sky, taking each one out slowly. While he was preoccupied with that, the soldiers set up positions in scattered debris from the destruction of the hills. The Badosaurus still had not even taken half of the flight group prior to another hail of shots ripped apart his flesh. At this point, the majority of his skin peeled off his muscle and his internal organs protruded on some areas of his body.   

The Badosaurus knew his end was near. Even if he won the battle, he would surely die of his injuries. At the very least, his spirit would rest easy if all of his enemies were killed before his death. This is what he thought. It is important to know, however, his spirit would never rest easy. This is due to him being a bad guy, meaning that he would definitely go to Hell when he died. In a desperate rush, he ignored the remaining threat above him to focus on the enemies on the ground.  

"Go, go, go!"  

"Roger that."  

"I'm in position."  

The Badosaurus ignored everything they were saying, but he could see they were readying another massive attack. They held more throwables, so the Badosaurus covered his eyes to prevent the blindness. What he failed to take into account was that these were not the same devices. They were smaller and more spherical, and when they landed at the feet of the Badosaurus, they exploded. This explosion took out his feet, rendering him immobile.   

He crawled. This would not be his grave. The mass of soldiers looked on in horror as the fumbling mass of flesh and teeth used its feeble arms to crawl towards them. The waves of fire did little to halt the enraged beast. It chomped onto as many as it could. Its jaws crushed their bones with immense force. Dozens more fell as their bodies were thrashed and torn apart. Limbs, entrails, and other various parts scattered the area around the Badosaurus. Despite his best effort, he could never hope to kill more than were replaced. This rang especially true due to his intensively injured state.     

In a final act of desperation, the Badosaurus dove into the pile of soldiers. At the same time, a single shot from one of the lingering air vehicles took out the right eye of the Badosaurus, blinding him completely. The searing pain halted him completely. The constant flow of projectiles into him left him effectively immobile.  

"Area secure."  

"He's down."  

"Goodnight."  

The Badosaurus reached death’s door. He could no longer move nor could he see, but he possessed an immense will to live. He wanted to fight. He wanted to crush all of his enemies completely. With all of his strength, he rolled into the mass of men that opposed him. His body alone trampled thousands beneath his weight. However, with another round of intense firing, the Badosaurus found that he could no longer move. Determined to continue fighting, he reached around with his small arms and found two enemy weapons. They were considerably larger than most with a great rectangular prism that held their ammunition. He held down the trigger on each of them.  

"Taking fire!"  

"I'm in trouble!"  

"I'm under fire!"  

Many of the soldiers were wiped out with holes across their bodies. Yet, this attack proved to be ineffective. They were multiplying faster than the Badosaurus could mow them down. With one last round of return fire, the Badosaurus finally lost his pulse. Moments later, he had his last thought.  

“To think, dying to these small creatures of all things. Even after destroying all of those Super Dinosaurs. It's pathetic.”  

After this, the Badosaurus’ soul was sent to Hell within the cover of God’s rulebook. The monster had finally died for good. However, the invading enemy army still remained alive and well. In order to ensure the kill, they each grabbed a red cylinder from their equipment and threw it at the deceased Badosaurus. Upon contact, it bursted into flames, igniting the entirety of the surrounding area. After a few minutes, only charred bones took the place of where the great beast once lay.   

"We took the piss out 'em!"  

"Ah, we're getting stumped right into 'em!"  

"We're in the clear, lads!"  

"Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!”  

*  *  *  

Up in Earth’s upper atmosphere, a new threat appeared. The meteor that Goodos sent to Earth finally made its appearance. Within a few minutes, it would land on the planet Earth and potentially annihilate all of the soldiers on the ground. In a panic, the mass of men scattered into the surrounding area. The flaming rock flew directly above them, faster than they could run away. Even in the air, the vehicles crashed into each other in a frenzy trying to escape the impending blast. The army lost all uniformity as they fled in any and all directions.   

"Oh, it's too late!"  

"Oh, sod it."  

"Get back."  

"Oh, no!"  

"Pants."  

The soldiers tripped and fell on the multitude of debris. These ones were spared from the oncoming explosion as they were trampled to death by their comrades. One even fell into the vat of amber prepared by the Badosaurus earlier. All of their efforts were futile. No such possibility of escape presented itself. The meteor crashed into the Earth, wiping out the entirety of the armed forces present on the surface. All traces of the invading army were gone. They were completely and utterly vaporized. In addition, due to the meteor being sent by a good guy, the blood that stained the planet vanished. In the end, the dinosaurs had died with the Badosaurus, only leaving small animals that hid under the depths of the Earth to survive and prosper.  

Chapter 7 

  After the carnage, Jesus stood confused at his tower. Neither he nor Goodos understood what the fuck just happened. A bunch of guys just showed up, killed the Badosaurus, and then all exploded in a meteor blast. He did not know how to feel with all said and done. The Badosaurus finally died and all of his problems were solved. Despite this, he still mourned for all of the dinosaurs that died, never to be seen again. He sat in his tower, lamenting the massacre of creatures that were pretty cool. He threw himself on his bed with his face sunk into a pillow. Suddenly, he phone rang. He picked it up silently.  

“Hey, hey, buddy. How’s it going?” answered the voice. Jesus instantly recognized that voice. It was his father, God. Jesus didn’t even respond. To his surprise, God laughed.  

“I know that whole ordeal with the dinosaurs has got you said, son. But, don’t worry! That bad guy you were worried about is dead.”  

Jesus didn’t really think that this changed anything. His dad knew that he already knew that the Badosaurus died because he knew that he knew everything. Jesus grew confused with his father.  

“I bet you’re thinking about how you already know that, son” God boomed, interrupting Jesus’ thoughts.  

In fact, he was.  

“How… how did you know, dad?” Jesus responded.  

God smirked. This seemed pointless. It was a phone call, the body language communicated by the smirk could not be transferred via audio alone. Defying all logic, God managed to do this. Jesus understood that God knew because God knew everything.   

“I’ve got a surprise for you, son. When you’re ready, look under the Earth. You’ll find something so cool, it’ll make you forget all of those dead dinosaurs.”  

Before Jesus could reply in excitement, God hung up. He rushed to his telescope and changed it to Z-ray mode. Z-ray vision is like X-ray vision, except it lets you perfectly see through objects. None of that all blue bullshit. What he saw amazed him. Beneath the surface of the Earth lie an entire other Earth in the center of it. One may even say that it was kind of a Middle-Earth so to say. What interested Jesus the most was a specific island. God didn’t even need to tell him the name of it. Jesus could tell what it was. Dinosaur Island, and the dinosaurs on it were even cooler than the ones on normal Earth.  

Chapter 8  

On Earth, the planet stood still. Much of the life that existed there was reduced to ash by the destructive meteor that put an end to the invading army. Yet, remnants of the bygone era remained. The blast that set the planet ablaze set forth a flash fossilization process that preserved the remains of many of the dinosaur corpses that littered the Earth. Even moreso, small mammals survived in the cracks and crevices in the ground, sparing them from the wrath of the Badosaurus and even the inferno that engulfed Earth. Through 65 million years, these mammals would eventually undergo a scientific process known as evolution until they became humans. In due time, they would use combined skills of science and magic to propagate across and inside the globe. These humans, defined by the prior conflicts of good and evil as well as science and magic, will henceforth become the focus of this very story.