Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Crow Club]

(Jesper, Nina, Kaz, Inej, Wylan)

bangbangbi: oh saints

Inej fan club founder: what did you do?

bangbangbi: …

bangbangbi: i can only say if everyone gets real cool with a bunch of stuff really quickly.

nightmare fuel: No.

bangbangbi: i’ll say anyway.

bangbangbi: alexei is officially done with me lmao

bangbangbi: you know nikolai lantsov’s ex, amanda?

bangbangbi: alexei’s dating her now and i said some things

bangbangbi: not nice things

Inej fan club founder: JESPER

bangbangbi: THAT IS MY NAME

knife wife: what sort of not nice things?

bangbangbi: well it wasn’t THAT bad

merchling: I was there

merchling: Alexei was talking about the fire again :(

merchling: Which was not Jesper’s fault. The fire was Kuwei

nightmare fuel: The fire’s source was undetermined.

inej fan club founder: HERE we go again

knife wife: someone please remind me when my english project is due?

nightmare fuel: Two weeks from today.

knife wife: thank you ☺️

nightmare fuel: You’re welcome.

[este + taylor]

(Nina, Inej)

este: smooth subject change

taylor: me? subject change? never.

este: LMAO

[Crow Club]

bangbangbi: i just got a text.

merchling: Oh no. Not a text.

bangbangbi: loving the sarcasm 🥰🥰

bangbangbi: no its from nikolai actually

nightmare fuel: Use the correct form of “it’s”.

bangbangbi: never 😈

knife wife: what does he want?

knife wife: did he get his shirt messed up at the cleaner’s again?

bangbangbi: keep TRACK of my FRIENDS PLEASE inej that wasn’t nikolai that was mal

knife wife: oh.

inej fan club founder: jesper i will fight you

bangbangbi: and you’ll win, nina dear

bangbangbi: no he wants to go over lines

bangbangbi: he got the lead

bangbangbi: again 🙄

bangbangbi: @nightmare fuel 👀

nightmare fuel: I am not going to edit the cast list for you, Jesper.

bangbangbi: damn 🖕

nightmare fuel: No.

bangbangbi: worth a shot

bangbangbi: TIME TO GO REHEARSE WITH THE GREAT CAPTAIN STURMHOND

bangbangbi: since all i get to be cast as is Neyali 🙄🙄

merchling: Isn’t that a good part? Isn’t Neyali the villain?

bangbangbi: he dies at the end lmao

merchling: At the end. Which means that you get the best stage time of all the characters. And you get a dramatic death scene. Congratulations, Jesper!

bangbangbi: …

bangbangbi: when you put it that way

knife wife: just thank him, dude

bangbangbi: thank you, wy

merchling: You’re welcome!

bangbangbi: ANYWAY

bangbangbi: oh nikolai says hi (because i’m texting instead of talking to him)

bangbangbi: the passive aggression is real 🫶

knife wife: that’s encouragement to practice, not passive aggression. hi, Nikolai!

inej fan club founder: hey!

merchling: Hello!

bangbangbi: ok bye

bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat

nightmare fuel: No.

nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat

bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat

nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat

bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat

nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat

bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat

nightmare fuel: Make your own group chat.

nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat

bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat

bangbangbi: BUT THIS ONE IS SO CONVENIENT

knife wife: why don’t we consult Nikolai on whether he wants to be in the chat or not?

nightmare fuel: No.

bangbangbi: YES

Nikolai Lantsov: may i present my case?

nightmare fuel: No.

nightmare fuel removed Nikolai Lantsov from the chat

bangbangbi added Nikolai Lantsov to the chat

Nikolai Lantsov replied to “may i present my case?”: i’m rich.

nightmare fuel: …

bangbangbi: for the record i did NOT tell him to say that

nightmare fuel: You can stay.

bangbangbi changed Nikolai Lantsov ’s name to second coolest pirate

second coolest pirate: excuse you.

second coolest pirate changed their name to coolest pirate

bangbangbi: I HAVE A DEATH SCENE

coolest pirate: I HAVE AN ALMOST DEATH SCENE

bangbangbi: AND?

coolest pirate: AND STURMHOND GETS THE GIRL

nightmare fuel: Spoiler alert.

coolest pirate: you’re telling me you don’t know Sturmhond’s story.

nightmare fuel: That is beside the point.

coolest pirate: jesper, he doesn’t know Sturmhond’s story.

inej fan club founder: obv a crime

bangbangbi: the REAL crime here is capitalizing a pirate’s name and not mine 😠

coolest pirate: Sturmhond is cooler than you

nightmare fuel: Noted. Keep Lantsov in the chat.

bangbangbi: FAVORITISM

coolest pirate: HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW ME HOW IS IT FAVORITISM

bangbangbi: ITS BECAUSE YOURE RICH

coolest pirate: THIS AGAIN

bangbangbi: ITS UPPER CLASS PRIVILEGE THAT HAS YOU STAYING IN THE CHAT ANYWAY

nightmare fuel left the chat

bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat

nightmare fuel left the chat

bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat

nightmare fuel left the chat

bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat

merchling: All of you slow down my phone isn’t keeping up

merchling: Kaz you don’t know Sturmhond?

merchling: We’re all watching that movie they did about him

nightmare fuel: If you make me watch a movie, I will rip your eyes from your skull and feed them to your goldfish, Wylan.

merchling: I was just queried as to why I had such a look of shock on my face.

merchling: I am also curious to know the answer.

bangbangbi: who asked?

merchling: On break right now, eating a sandwich at the shop. One of the customers. You don’t know her

bangbangbi: oh

inej fan club founder: i’m with wylan

bangbangbi: i thought he said i didn’t know her???

merchling: She means about Kaz watching the Sturmhond movie.

merchling: I think.

inej fan club founder: yes

bangbangbi: i agree

nightmare fuel: All of you are going on the list.

coolest pirate: what list

knife wife: you don’t want to know

coolest pirate: i’m reading the script rn

coolest pirate: one moment

coolest pirate changed their name to coolest privateer

bangbangbi: OH my SAINTS you don’t have to make the show your entire PERSONALITY

coolest privateer: says the one who hasn’t even read the whole script yet

bangbangbi: …

bangbangbi: i’ve been busy

nightmare fuel: Complaining about Alexei being happy.

bangbangbi: INCORRECT

knife wife: don’t be mean, Kaz

nightmare fuel: I am not mean. I am factual. There is a difference.

bangbangbi: YOU ARE MEAN AND SOMETIMES FACTUAL

coolest privateer: kaz could just see the show when we perform

bangbangbi: but that’s not the same

nightmare fuel: It is good enough.

merchling: Movie night?

coolest privateer: i could host

inej fan club founder: do you have a waffle iron?

coolest privateer: my roommate does!

inej fan club founder: SOLD

coolest privateer: he hates me and might not let me use it though lmao

bangbangbi: then why is he your roommate???

coolest privateer: ✨ reasons ✨

bangbangbi: v specific buddy

coolest privateer: right?? anyway i promise he’s not horrible

coolest privateer: just a bit old fashioned

coolest privateer: don’t let him get on your nerves too much

nightmare fuel: I will not hesitate to knock him out, if the need arises.

bangbangbi: SO YOU ARE COMING

nightmare fuel: I did not say that.

merchling: No but my phone did

knife wife: i could be there :) just depends on work

coolest privateer: tomorrow night, i’ll send the address at some point if i remember

coolest privateer: matthias might be here

coolest privateer: i’m gonna ask him about the waffle iron wish me luckkkkkkk

inej fan club founder: we don’t do that, love

knife wife: no mourners <3

coolest privateer: no mourners?

nightmare fuel: …

bangbangbi: NO FUNERALSSSSSSSSSS

[M&NS]

(Matthias, Nikolai)

N: question

N: can i borrow your waffle iron tomorrow?

N: you never use it

N: i’m having friends over to watch a movie

N: i won’t break it 🫡

M:

Nikolai,

You said that about Trassel’s leash. And then broke it.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: yes

N: and then i replaced it

N: like a good roommate should do

M:

Nikolai,

Fine. But only if you make enough for me to reheat them in two days’ time before work.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: THANK YOU

N: REHEATING WAFFLES IS HEATHENISTIC OF YOU TO DO

N: I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS

N: BUT YOU ARE THE BEST ROOMMATE

M:

Nikolai,

You are welcome.

And exaggerating.

Goodnight.

Do not make too much noise.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: I WONT

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: Attachment: 1 Image

coolest privateer: ^directions + address

[Slat]

(Kaz, Jesper, Inej, Anika, Pim, Roeder)

Wraith: are we working tomorrow?

Dirtyhands: Pim and Roeder have a job. Landlord’s inspection is in four days. Haskell might be a drunkard but he still has standards he needs to keep up with. Jesper, Inej, if your spaces are clean, you are not confined to the Slat.

Sharpshooter: so basically the answer is i’m cinderella 😌

P-I: minus the looks, plus better kicks 😘

what’s an Ika?: stawppppp FLIRTING WITH OTHER GUYS PIM

Sharpshooter: it’s the jes effect

roeder=rider: uhhhhh

roeder=rider: ok

what’s an Ika?: dead & gone & buried

Dirtyhands: One more reference to Ms. Swift and you will all be blocked and kicked to the curb.

Wraith: look at how my tears ricochet :(

Dirtyhands: 🚫

Dirtyhands: You’re all gone.

Sharpshooter: cold

P-I: I DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING

Dirtyhands: Guilty by association.

P-I: 🙄

Dirtyhands: Get your shit cleaned up before Haskell is here.

[Crow Club]

bangbangbi: WE’LL BE THERE

bangbangbi: unrelatedly, who wants to be my fairy godmother?

inej fan club founder: no 🫶

knife wife: mine? 🥺

inej fan club founder: yes bbg anything for you 🥺🥺

knife wife: thank you 🥺🥺🥺

inej fan club founder: i love you 🥺🥺🥺🥺

knife wife: i love you more 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

nightmare fuel left the chat

inej fan club founder added nightmare fuel to the chat

coolest privateer: is anyone bringing anything tomorrow?

bangbangbi: we are broke babe 😭😭

coolest privateer: budget is fifteen kruge each. you’ll be reimbursed at the door

bangbangbi: LIVING UP TO THE NAME @coolest privateer

coolest privateer: :)

merchling: I think Jesper is a cooler pirate. But for a privateer, yes. You are cool

coolest privateer: privateers are COOLER i don’t know what you mean

knife wife: you are actually so wonderful Nikolai. Jesper, why hasn’t he been in the chat longer?

bangbangbi: ask kaz idk

inej fan club founder: inej you should pick me up and we should go SHOPPING

knife wife: my car’s in the shop :(

knife wife: …

knife wife: @nightmare fuel?

nightmare fuel: You may not borrow my car.

knife wife: i wasn’t going to ask something as drastic as that, don’t worry :)

knife wife: could you drive us to the store, please?

bangbangbi: I’M GOING TOO

nightmare fuel: Inej is in the front. Jesper, behind her. Nina, we will be there in five minutes. Which store?

knife wife: YES

knife wife: i’ll dm you <3

nightmare fuel: Okay.

Chapter Text

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: kaz.

nightmare fuel: ?

coolest privateer: where the hell did jesper get a goat for fifteen kruge.

bangbangbi: I TOLD YOU

bangbangbi: I WON HIM

bangbangbi: AND HIS NAME IS MILO

nightmare fuel: No.

bangbangbi: he is beautiful and will take zero criticism.

knife wife: saints, Jes

nightmare fuel: Do not pet name Jesper when he is in the wrong.

bangbangbi: I AM NOT IN THE WRONG

bangbangbi: LOOK AT THIS FACE

bangbangbi: Attachment: 1 Image

bangbangbi: HE IS LOVELY AND ALL I EVER WANTED

nightmare fuel: Lantsov. I will be impolitely declining your invitation to watch any movie.

coolest privateer: no way

coolest privateer: jesper, take the goat back please

coolest privateer: and not just because of kaz it’s also because matthias will kill me

inej fan club founder: if kaz doesn’t come watch the movie i will personally make sure he is at every one of your rehearsals.

nightmare fuel: Oh, so now you know how to type?

inej fan club founder: i find religion and decency when my good time is threatened :)

inej fan club founder: be there or beware, Brekker!

nightmare fuel: That is not even a threat.

coolest privateer: :(

[Nikolai Lantsov, Kaz Brekker]

Nikolai: if you still come for the movie i’ll pay you ten kruge on top of letting you keep the fifteen

Kaz: Twenty five.

Nikolai: twenty

Kaz: The deal is the deal.

[Crow Club]

nightmare fuel: Jesper, remove the goat from the premises.

bangbangbi: but he’s so sweet :(

[Nikolai Lantsov and Kaz Brekker]

Nikolai: twenty five and the goat stays?

Kaz: Thirty five and i don’t drop kick the goat across the city.

Nikolai: forty and you give it a pat if jesper asks

Kaz: Fine.

[Crow Club]

nightmare fuel: Keep the goat away from me.

bangbangbi: what are you on?

nightmare fuel: Shut up, or else you join the goat.

bangbangbi: ????????????

coolest privateer: so you’ll all be here! wonderful i’ll let matthias know

nightmare fuel: Yes.

[Crow Club]

inej fan club founder: someone open the door please i’m carrying too much

(sent with Voice Assist)

[M&NS]

M:

Nikolai,

What is that noise?

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: we got to the part of the Sturmhond movie where Mayu drops the sail on Neyali

N: jesper’s booing

N: kaz is cheering to spite him

N: it’s an oddly nice sound??

M:

Nikolai,

Request that your friends keep the volume down.

Also, you should keep better track of them. The little one is in the kitchen. She is not doing well. I am talking to her.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: inej?

[knife enthusiasts]

(Kaz, Inej)

Kaz: Where did you go?

[knife enthusiasts]

Kaz: Inej?

[este + taylor]

este: babe you’re missing the movieeeee

este: i just paused it for you

[favorites of the grump]

(Jesper, Inej)

guns: inej???????

[Crow Club]

knife wife: kaz, jes, can we go back home?

nightmare fuel: Yes.

[este + taylor]

este: are you okay?

taylor: yeah just got a text from her

este: isn’t she blocked?

taylor: yeah she has a new number

este: report her!!

taylor: no evidence, it’s just talking about how much she misses me and wishes i would come home

taylor: Attachment: 1 Screenshot

este: hear me out.

este: me. you. kaz. her house. an “accident” involving a cartoonish piano and stairs.

taylor: :)

[Crow Club]

bangbangbi: I FORGOT MILO

coolest privateer: don’t worry

coolest privateer: Attachment: 1 Image

coolest privateer: he found a friend

knife wife: can you thank matthias for me?

knife wife: wait it looks like milo is doing it for me <3

nightmare fuel: Your roommate is rude.

inej fan club founder: agreed he kept talking about grisha being “unnatural”

inej fan club founder: he’s lucky not to be around zoya lmao she’d have had him decked by lightning

bangbangbi: she says, as though being decked by lightning is a completely typical thing

inej fan club founder: he says, as though bringing a goat to your friend’s house is a completely typical thing to do

nightmare fuel: It is a good thing you left the goat there, Jesper. If it were at my house, I would have slaughtered it.

bangbangbi: he says, as though he is not renting and splitting rent with five other people

nightmare fuel: Shut up.

bangbangbi: make me 🫶

knife wife: going on dnd goodnight guys

bangbangbi: goodnight inej!!!!!!

inej fan club founder: goodnight ❤️

[knife enthusiasts]

Kaz: Good night.

Inej: goodnight

[Crow Club]

knife wife: sorry for cutting the evening short last night

inej fan club founder: DONT WORRY ABOUT IT

inej fan club founder: zoya’s driving me over with waffles.

nightmare fuel: …

knife wife: i won’t get crumbs on the floor, kaz, i promise

nightmare fuel: Good.

coolest privateer: matthias offered to lend me trassel’s crate to bring milo back, jesper

bangbangbi: I TAKE BACK EVERY WORD I SAID ABOUT HIM BEING RUDE

bangbangbi: wait

bangbangbi: is it because he wants to let me have my goat back, or because he wants it out of his house?

coolest privateer: he says he chooses not to answer that question

bangbangbi: :(

knife wife: not today!! landlord inspects at stupid o’clock tomorrow morning!! no time to hide livestock

coolest privateer: our landlord inspects tomorrow, too 😭

bangbangbi: …

bangbangbi: @nightmare fuel

bangbangbi: …………………….

nightmare fuel: No.

coolest privateer: what?

knife wife: i’m not up for a heist

coolest privateer: a WHAT

nightmare fuel: Inej.

knife wife unsent a message

bangbangbi: PLEASE

bangbangbi: MILO MUST REMAIN HIDDEN

bangbangbi: KAZ YOU’RE HIS ONLY HOPE

nightmare fuel: Send him to your father’s farm.

bangbangbi: N O

bangbangbi: HE IS EMTIOANALY ATTACHD

merchling: My phone is having a seizure

bangbangbi: no i am dw

merchling: Oh ok

coolest privateer: i’d be willing to fund a heist

nightmare fuel: How much?

coolest privateer: however much it took

nightmare fuel: A blank check, then?

coolest privateer: with a cap

bangbangbi: you’ll be stripped of all your money nikolai

coolest privateer: a small price to pay

knife wife: i’m not kidding, i really can’t

nightmare fuel: I’ll figure it out.

knife wife: okay

knife wife: enjoy

bangbangbi: we will!

coolest privateer: i am guessing that, included in the cost, is paying inej to clean your stuff before the landlord visits

bangbangbi: YOU LOVE ME

coolest privateer: no, i would just prefer my second costar not to be homeless :)

bangbangbi: SAME THING

coolest privateer: …no

bangbangbi: WHATEVER

knife wife: i’ll see

nightmare fuel: Paying Nina*, Lantsov. Inej is doing whatever she needs to do to handle the other things going on.

inej fan club founder: <3

bangbangbi: THANK YOU NEENS

inej fan club founder: you’re welcome i suppose

inej fan club founder: a lifetime supply of waffles, lantsov. that is my price

[M&NS]

N: hey matty can i promise one of my friends unlimited access to the waffle iron

M:

Nikolai,

If said friend is the little one, yes. If not, then no.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: even if i get you that yogurt you like?

N: from the shop?

N: the frozen yogurt?

M:

Nikolai,

Replace it with a frozen yogurt machine and yes. I have found recipes.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: DONE

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: nina, you have a waffle iron now.

inej fan club founder: oh. my. saints.

nightmare fuel: Good. Jesper, be in my office in twenty minutes.

bangbangbi: 🫡

coolest privateer: i still have milo and the crate

nightmare fuel: Good.

nightmare fuel: I might want Helvar involved.

coolest privateer: how do you know his name?? i haven’t said it once??

nightmare fuel: It was in that news thing a while ago about that cult he got out of.

nightmare fuel: I have a good memory.

coolest privateer: you scare me. enjoy your heist planning

nightmare fuel: Thank you.

Chapter Text

[favorites of the grump]

(Jesper, Inej)

guns: inej

guns: kaz is being

guns: oddly nice

guns: Attachment: 1 Image

guns: apparently he has one singular weakness and that is to dogs

guns: nikolai’s roommate looks jealous, actually

guns: it’s funny

roses: what

roses: of Trassel, or of Kaz?

guns: not sure!

guns: DID YOU KNOW TRASSEL MEANS TROUBLEMAKER

guns: also matthias stole him after he fled the cult

guns: went back for Trassel and stole him right out of the courtyard.

guns: mad props to him for it

roses: lovely

roses: why is Nina asking me about a sock collection?

guns: oh look at that it’s time to go bye inej

roses: GET BACK HERE JES WHAT IS THIS SOCK COLLECTION

guns: DONT ASK QUESTIONS YOU DONT WANT THE ANSWER TO

roses: SAINTS

roses: she says she’s tempted to throw them all out the window on Haskell’s head

guns: texting her right now

[bicons]

(Jesper, Nina)

king: please don’t get rid of my socks they’re all i have

queen: tell that to your five roommates.

queen: THERE ARE SO. MANY. SOCKS.

queen: YOU’RE SO WEIRD

king: PUT THEM IN THE CLOSET OR SOMETHING

queen: THERE ISN’T SPACE KAZ HANGS OUT THERE

king: help—

queen: it’s accurate 🤷‍♀️

king: 😭

king: just like

king: shove them under the bed or something

queen: i’m getting roeder to take me to the store and getting you an industrial sized bathtub.

king: what even is an industrial sized bathtub??

queen: i don’t know but it’s the only thing large enough for all your socks

king: THEYRE LITERALLY CLEAN TOO JUST PUT THEM SOMEWHERE IDK

queen: ?????? where ???????

king: ummmmm

king: idea

king: pile them up on my bed so i can’t forget cause i have a plan (assuming i convince kaz to make a stop on the way home)

queen: great

king: oh kaz needs me bye

queen: 🖕

king: not your job, but if you’re offering!!

queen: 🙄

queen: ❤️

king: ❤️

[Crow Club]

inej fan club founder: @nightmare fuel @knife wife @bangbangbi do you have ziplock bags?

inej fan club founder: and tupperware?

bangbangbi: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM THAT YOU NEED THOSE

nightmare fuel: Working wonders. Second cabinet to the left above the sink.

knife wife: that’s not very specific. i’ll get them for you, Nina

inej fan club founder: slay

nightmare fuel: It’s very specific.

knife wife: how’s the heist going?

bangbangbi: Attachment: 1 Image

bangbangbi: goat secured.

bangbangbi: he doesn’t like trassel’s crate though lmao

knife wife: :(

merchling: Do any of you need help

merchling: I just left work

coolest privateer: if you could go back to my place, matthias is cleaning up stuff milo knocked over and could probably use some help :)

merchling: On my way

inej fan club founder: jesper. fahey.

bangbangbi: what now

inej fan club founder: I THOUGHT THE SOCKS WERE BAD

inej fan club founder: Attachment: 1 Image

inej fan club founder: DO YOU HAVE A DAILY SUBSCRIPTION TO A HATTER’S DELIVERY SERVICE???

bangbangbi: TOCUH MY HATS AND I WILL END YOU, ZENIK

inej fan club founder: IM NOT GONNA GET RID OF THEM I JUST WANT TO KNOW W H Y

knife wife: disguises

coolest privateer: costumes

nightmare fuel: Heists.

merchling: Because he likes them

inej fan club founder: ?????????????????

bangbangbi: all of these answers are accurate

knife wife: i don’t think Haskell is going to care about Jesper’s hats, Nina. he didn’t care about my knife collection last time

bangbangbi: inej love i distracted him last time so he wouldn’t see your knife collection

knife wife: so distract him from your hats?

nightmare fuel: Jesper, Lantsov, get off of your phones and carry the crate.

bangbangbi: 🫡 anything for my son

coolest privateer: son 😭

nightmare fuel: Now.

[favorites of the grump]

guns: please tell me you still have some of that cream you used to put on sore muscles

guns: apparently, a trassel-sized crate with a goat inside is not light, regardless of how enthusiastically two chronically hyperactive individuals carry it

roses: oh

roses: yeah i still have some

roses: Nina’s still in your room, i think she got distracted by something

guns: i was only somewhat kidding about the hats.

guns: please tell me she hasn’t touched my hats

roses: she hasn’t touched your hats

guns: good

guns: on our way back, anything we could bring for you?

roses: some of that hibiscus tea from that shop near the one Wylan works at would be nice

guns: i was so ready to critique your direction giving until you said near Wylan’s shop

roses: i know 🫶

guns: hush

roses: no 🫶

roses: it is genuinely so obvious, Jes

guns: congratulations on being more observant than kaz, nikolai, dominik, and zoya put together, darling

guns: if it’s that obvious, then it’s not on me to do anything about it. if i’m being that obvious he can very well pick up on things and say something. since he hasn’t, i’ll take that to mean he is uninterested

roses: fair

guns: besides, mid-show relationships don’t last

guns: a factoid i definitely did not make up.

roses: obviously

roses: where’s Milo?

guns: THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ASKING

guns: kaz said unless you explicitly asked i couldn’t tell

guns: milo is ✨elsewhere✨

guns: kaz had matthias carry him in the crate out to the car (milo doesn’t like confined spaces) (i can’t blame him, really) and he broke the crate

guns: the hinge*

guns: and the latch

guns: i am strong and fixed it up, though

guns: 💪

roses: impressive

guns: THANK YOU

guns: also he broke some other stuff but that’s alright

guns: anyway so we finally got him outside and in the car and then we drove away and he broke the crate again but i warped the metal back to the way it’s supposed to be

guns: drove out to this farm on the outside of town where apparently nikolai had contacts, the guy who owns it? his wife had boots on the ground beside nikolai

guns: shocking, i know, that someone kaz knows comes in handy 😨😨

roses: 😨

guns: and so they’re holding onto milo for until after the inspection and then we get to sneak him into the house

guns: kaz wants me to make a correction that *i get to sneak him into the house

guns: 🙄

roses: i’ll help <3

guns: THANK YOU

guns: LITERALLY THE EPITOME OF BEST FRIEND

guns: JUST BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

roses: 😭

guns: but yes so milo is secured, i have the names, phone numbers, addresses, military id numbers, and arrest records of the people he’s with, and nikolai lantsov’s assurance that they’re good people

roses: ?? seems a bit overboard imo

guns: nah

guns: if i were kaz and it were my goat?

guns: it would be so much worse and you know it

roses: he’d have their original copies of their driver’s licenses

guns: their passports so they couldn’t skip town

roses: their social security numbers

guns: their birth certificates to erase them from existence if anything happened to his goat

roses: right??

guns: oh we’re almost there see you in a min

guns: we’re all here and matthias is gonna bring wylan back and pick nikolai up since we took kaz’s car

roses: okay see you in a min <3

[este + taylor]

este: babe if i leave without seeing you i will actually Commit a Crime

taylor: *another

taylor: look behind you

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: let me know how inspection goes tomorrow

bangbangbi: 🫡

inej fan club founder: THANK YOU FOR THE WAFFLE IRON NIKOLAI

coolest privateer: :3

inej fan club founder: :33

coolest privateer: :333

nightmare fuel: Both of you, shut up.

merchling: So, as it turns out, Matthias doesn’t have terrible music taste

merchling: He turned on this classical piece that i cannot remember the name of while we were cleaning

merchling: :)

[Theater Kids]

(Jesper, Nikolai)

galinda: find out what classical piece wylan and your roommate were listening to, please!

elphaba: 🫡

elphaba: jes

elphaba: matthias is going to miss opening night of our show 😨

elphaba: apparently there’s an event thing happening that the grisha house is heading up and the darkling’s asked him to talk

elphaba: like

elphaba: personally asked

galinda: wait for real

elphaba: apparently

galinda: well

galinda: good for him i guess?

elphaba: yeah just sucks for us

galinda: WAIT NINA’S NOT THERE OPENING NIGHT EITHER BECAUSE OF THE EVENT THING

galinda: WHY CWNT I REMEMBER WHAY THE. THING IS

elphaba: i don’t know

elphaba: he’s not sure he can afford to go though

elphaba: landlord’s jacked up our rent

elphaba: 😄😄 capitalism!!

galinda: yay!!

galinda: idk road trips are cheaper than airfare if you do it right

galinda: tell him to talk to kaz he might know someone who could caravan or something

elphaba: 🫡

elphaba: okay bye we’re here and apparently matthias decided we’re cleaning out our cars tonight for some reason

elphaba: it’s not like the landlord is going to demand that our cars be clean, too??

galinda: kaz is the same way it’s weird

galinda: but we love our perfectionists anyway 🫶🫶

elphaba: real

Chapter Text

[Crow Club]

bangbangbi: kmn

knife wife: no

nightmare fuel: Who chooses the method?

knife wife: Kaz.

nightmare fuel: Excellent. I’ll make it slow and painful, then.

knife wife: KAZ.

nightmare fuel: What?

coolest privateer: so apparently the landlord isn’t fond of dog hair

coolest privateer: which is so rude of him

nightmare fuel: Bribe him.

coolest privateer: done lmao

coolest privateer: no but seriously what is it with people in authority hating on beautiful fuzzy creatures??

nightmare fuel: I don’t know.

bangbangbi: he says, as though he doesn’t hate on beautiful fuzzy creatures himself

nightmare fuel: You will be hit with a cane, Jesper.

bangbangbi: 😩

nightmare fuel left the chat

bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat

bangbangbi: i’m kidding 🤪

coolest privateer: so.

coolest privateer: how many of you know of the Lansov Emerald?

bangbangbi: only everyone who’s ever lived anywhere near this city

nightmare fuel: What about it?

coolest privateer: it’s missing 😀

inej fan club founder: NO

coolest privateer: yeah

bangbangbi: …

bangbangbi: @nightmare fuel 👀

nightmare fuel: If your question is whether I stole it, Jesper, the answer is no.

nightmare fuel: The fence cost alone would be much more than it’s worth to me.

coolest privateer: good to know

[M&NS]

N: when do you leave for that conference thing?

M:

Nikolai,

I leave in seven weeks, assuming I do attend. Aleksander is talking to a few of the others attending to see if any of them would be willing to carpool with me. He is going to stay a few days after, and I want to be back in town for your show, otherwise I would ride with him.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: so you’re on first-name-basis now?

M:

Nikolai,

Yes. Only because it was either Aleksander, or that ridiculous title he calls himself by. He has not given a full name. And I only received his name by flatly refusing to call him by the title and going “Hey, you!” instead.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: have i mentioned you’re my hero?

N: i have a friend who’s going, nina zenik

N: she was at the movie night

N: if you’d want to see if she’ll carpool

M:

Nikolai,

Give her my number, please.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: she’ll find it a lot more respectful if you ask her lol

M:

Nikolai,

I might.

Where could I find her?

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: the grisha house

M:

Nikolai,

Right.

Thank you.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: no problem

[Better Than Thou]

(Nikolai, Zoya)

Nikolai: is nina at the house rn?

Zoya: i’m not her keeper, idiot

Nikolai: idk i just thought since you’re friends…

Zoya: she’s a heartrender.

Nikolai: 🤷🏼‍♂️ she’s a grisha???

Zoya: that’s rude

Nikolai: how??

Zoya: …

Zoya: it just is.

Zoya: you should pay me

Nikolai: you sound like kaz.

Zoya: i’m older. Kaz sounds like me.

Nikolai: fair

Nikolai: have you seen nina?

Zoya: no. check with Ivan

Nikolai: he’d know better than you why?

Zoya: he’s in charge of the Corporalki building, Nikolai.

Nikolai: right

Zoya: 🙄

Nikolai: 🫶

Zoya: don’t push it.

[M&NS]

N: checked with ivan (head of the corporalki building??) and he said koh (the head of the women??) said she’s out for waffles with nestor

N: not sure at all who nestor is but

N: they’re at that waffle place, wafflepocalypse or whatever

M:

Nikolai,

Thank you.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

N: no problem

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: @inej fan club founder incoming

inej fan club founder: what

coolest privateer: my roommate is on his way to wafflepocalypse 😁

inej fan club founder: oh

inej fan club founder: tell him he’s welcome to sit with me, as long as he’s not a dick! :)

coolest privateer: most ominous smiley and instruction i’ve ever seen

nightmare fuel: Get your car ready with plenty of space in the back, Lantsov.

nightmare fuel: :)

coolest privateer: i have been proven wrong.

coolest privateer: what are we doing in the back, Brekker?

nightmare fuel: >:(

coolest privateer: ;)

nightmare fuel left the chat

bangbangbi added nightmare fuel to the chat

inej fan club founder: anyways–

[Nikolai, Kaz]

Nikolai: i’m sorry if that was too far

Kaz: Apology noted.

Nikolai: :D

Kaz: Get rid of the emoticons.

Nikolai: no <3

Kaz: Get them out of my DMs.

Nikolai: not the caps on dm

Kaz: Shut up.

Nikolai: 🤐

[Crow Club]

inej fan club founder: he wants my number

coolest privateer: yeah

coolest privateer: that’s… the reason he was going? to wafflepocalypse? to see you?

inej fan club founder: he’s so old fashioned 😭

coolest privateer: that’s how the cult was

coolest privateer: like actually, it is just old habits

coolest privateer: he texts like a victorian child, by the way, fair warning

coolest privateer: not sure why 🤷🏼‍♂️

inej fan club founder: …how like a victorian child?

coolest privateer:

Nina,

He texts like this. Name, paragraph of message, and then his sign-off.

Nikolai Yevgeni Ivan Alexandrovitch Lantsov

inej fan club founder: WHY SO MANY NAMES

inej fan club founder: OH MY SAINTS

inej fan club founder: NIKOLAI WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY NAMES

coolest privateer: i was born with them :)

inej fan club founder: no.

coolest privateer: yes

coolest privateer: rich, snobby parents are fun! :)

inej fan club founder: not the comma

coolest privateer: yes the comma

nightmare fuel: Stop blowing up the chat.

inej fan club founder: no :)

coolest privateer: okay

inej fan club founder: SO DO I GIVE HIM MY NUMBER OR NOT

coolest privateer: YES GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER

coolest privateer: JUST BE FOREWARNED THAT HE TEXTS LIKE HE DOES

inej fan club founder: I’LL TEACH HIM HOW TO TEXT PROPERLY.

coolest privateer: YOU’LL BE DOING THE WORLD A FAVOR AND PERFORMING A MIRACLE, NINA ZENIK

inej fan club founder: ALL IN A DAY’S WORK

Chapter Text

[Crow Club]

inej fan club founder: so, basically, matthias helvar and i are carpooling to the damn conference.

inej fan club founder: and we’re going to Politely Discuss Our Differing Opinions on the way there.

inej fan club founder: it’s not too late for you to shoot me in the head, jes!

bangbangbi: my condolences

bangbangbi: which differing opinions?

inej fan club founder: the ones in which “women shouldn’t need to learn to fight, it should be men’s jobs to protect them” and “grisha power is unnatural”. and did i mention “marriage should be for the sake of children within the union”???

bangbangbi: 😬

bangbangbi: that

bangbangbi: is incorrect

inej fan club founder: yeah. to say the least.

coolest privateer: oh

coolest privateer: yeah that might’ve been more critical information than “he texts weird”

inej fan club founder: A LITTLE.

inej fan club founder: I WOULD’VE BEEN A LITTLE PREPARED IF YOU HAD.

inej fan club founder: HE’S TEXTING ME NOW AND THANKING ME FOR EATING WAFFLES WITH HIM.

inej fan club founder: UGH.

[Nina, Matthias]

Matthias:

Nina,

Thank you for eating with me.

I noticed you seemed upset, and after giving it great consideration last night, I believe I know why.

I did not mean to react in that way. You were trying to assist me. It is cold when it rains, and the abilities that you have can change that for an individual. I did not mean it how I said it. I only meant that I am unused to that sort of power, that sort of… alteration. Thank you for being patient enough to discuss with me how exactly you believe I am wrong.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

Nina: oh saints i think i just saw heaven

Nina: please type normally

Nina: i don’t think i can handle texting with you if you assault my eyes

Nina: like this

Nina: with every message

Matthias:

Is this better?

Matthias Helvar

Nina: hmmmmm

Nina: good enough

Nina: i suppose

Nina: for now

Matthias:

Okay.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: that wasn’t really an apology

Nina: that’s not an apology for being wrong it’s an apology for how i felt

Matthias:
But I am not wrong. How I said it was wrong.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: saints

Matthias:

I am sorry.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: it’s not just the grisha thing, though. it’s also the objectifying women, the invalidation of gays??

Matthias:

I did not mean it as objectification. Men are physiologically stronger than women, even though women have a tendency to be emotionally and mentally stronger, and typically lean toward a higher pain tolerance.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: generalizations are not facts

Nina: all women are different. all men are different. zoya nazyalensky beats everyone’s ass on the training floors. man, woman, neither, both, she is the strongest person i know.

Matthias:

The strongest person in the world is a biological man.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: the strongest person in the world is one person.

Nina: is wylan a protector?

Matthias:

Wylan who?

Matthias Helvar

Nina: wylan van eck

Nina: i forgot you don’t hang around the crew as often as nikolai

Matthias:

Oh. Nikolai’s spoken of him.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: well? is he?

Matthias:

It depends.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: we’re pausing this conversation because i, a woman, with grisha abilities, have training. alongside my fellow grisha. and her wife. goodbye.

Matthias:

Enjoy.

Matthias Helvar

[Crow Club]

bangbangbi: who’s in the mood for stroopwafels?

knife wife: are you asking because you’re offering to buy stroopwafels, or because you want stroopwafels bought for you?

bangbangbi: damn

bangbangbi: caught me, ghafa

bangbangbi: i’m broke 💀

nightmare fuel: I am busy.

coolest privateer: studying lines :/

knife wife: i’m practicing

bangbangbi: for??

knife wife: :)

bangbangbi: and the award for most ominous smiley goes to–

inej fan club founder: i have training

inej fan club founder: these conventions have a tendency to be targets for attacks, so the Darkling wants us all on our guard

bangbangbi: I STILL THINK THE DARKLING IS CREEPY, FOR THE RECORD

inej fan club founder: the record notes it and ignores it

bangbangbi: great!

merchling: I’m not busy, Jasper

merchling: J E S P E R

merchling: The phone has a mind of its own.

inej fan club founder: jasper 💀

bangbangbi: wylan i am so offended

bangbangbi: i will not go for stroopwafels with you

merchling: Oh

bangbangbi: if only there was some way you could make it up to me–

merchling: OH

merchling: Jesper can I buy you stroopwafels

bangbangbi: IF I WERENT BROKE AND HUNGRY FOR STROOPWAFELS I WOULD SAY NO

bangbangbi: NOT BECAUSE I DONT WANT THEM BUT BC YOURE ALMOST AS BROKE AS I AM

merchling: :)

bangbangbi: yes you can buy me stroopwafels

[favorites of the grump]

guns: inej

guns: inej help

roses: what?

guns: he’s flirting.

guns: he is blatantly flirting.

roses: right now?

guns: yes he’s flirting and i’m standing beside him texting NO NOT RIGHT NOW HE WENT TO THE LOO

roses: oh

roses: don’t you want him to be flirting?

guns: yes?? i think??

guns: but also what if it’s making fun of me?

roses: i doubt Wylan is making fun of you, Jesper

guns: you’d be surprised

[Wylan, Kaz]

Wylan: Kaz I need help

(two minutes later)

Kaz: On my way. Your location is set as my destination.

Wylan: Not like that sorry

Wylan: I’m trying to flirt with Jesper

Kaz: Oh.

Kaz: Why the hell did you text me, then?

Wylan: I didn’t know who else to text

Wylan: I think he’s finally picking up on it and I haven’t really done this before

Wylan: Not like ever, just since leaving

Wylan: I mean not

Wylan: Shit

Kaz: Who taught you to curse? Nina?

Wylan: Thank you for making me laugh

Wylan: You’re not saying anything like “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do”

Kaz: No. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do. The list of things I would do is much longer. Such as beat the everloving shit out of anyone who touched me when I didn’t want them to. Or hurt me.

Kaz: They would not walk away. They would crawl.

Wylan: That

Wylan: Was

Wylan: Something to hear in an empty restroom

Kaz: My crew is an extension of that, Wylan.

Wylan: Got it

Wylan: I’ll let Jesper be then

Wylan: Thank you

[favorites of the grump]

guns: oh he’s coming back

guns: bye

[bicons]

king: neens

king: sitting in bed with a tub of vanilla ice cream, two spoons, and leftover stroopwafels if you wanna come over

queen: SAY LESS, JES

queen: getting an uber rn

queen: or a ride from zoya

queen: she likes talking to inej, i think, is why she’s so willing to drive me over all the time

queen: talk to me tho what’s going on?

king: went to get stroopwafels with wylan

king: and he was flirting blatantly

king: and then he was in the bathroom for a bit

king: and when he came back he’d quit

king: entirely

king: wouldn’t even react to my flirting. just. blank face.

queen: have you considered the possibilities that either A: he was replaced by a doppelganger, or B: he lost interest after seeing how you eat stroopwafels?

queen: zoya said yes we’re on our way

king: don’t mock me nina i’m having a crisis 😭

queen: sorry

queen: zoya is ZOOMING

queen: will be there for ice cream and stroopwafels very soon 🫡

king: literally the best <3

queen: i know <3

Chapter Text

[Jazz Hands]

Kazzle Dazzle: Wylan is on his way to your room. I recommend that you make yourself decent.

jes: i’m always decent

jes: what’s he doing here at this hour it is obscenely early

Kazzle Dazzle: Don’t ask me. Also, it is not obscenely early. It is nearly eleven bells.

Kazzle Dazzle: Did Nina stay over? I did not hear her leave.

jes: yeah

jes: we didn’t do anything, if that’s what you’re curious about

jes: no need to be jealous, babe <3

[favorites of the grump]

roses: get yourself down here, Jesper Llewellyn Fahey

guns: first of all, where the hell did you get my middle name

guns: second of all, i don’t really want to

guns: there’s an angry boy somewhere downstairs and i don’t want him breathing fire at me

roses: fair enough

roses: you can’t just ignore and avoid your problems

guns: watch me 👉👉

roses: oh my saints

guns: :D

[este + taylor]

este: remind me to do sleepovers with jesper more often

este: that was therapeutic

taylor: remember to thank zoya for driving you

este: i think you did that for me… 😉😏

este: i’m sorry

este: too far?

taylor: no, i don’t think so

taylor: walking the line, but not crossing it

este: ok

este: no but seriously

este: i might’ve also been a bit harsh on matthias

este: nestor stood me up :(

taylor: oh. i’m sorry

este: he might’ve just forgotten

taylor: hear me out

taylor: just… swear off of men

este: in the "people are gay, steven" voice; people are bi, inej :)

taylor: i know

este: zoya didn’t even text me to ask when i’d want to leave

taylor: i know

este: imagine bringing someone somewhere and then just

este: leaving without them

taylor: no, she stayed, too. i was having a bad night

este: YOU SHOULDVE TOLD ME IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN ON ABOUT MY BOY PROBLEMS INEJ PLEASE FORGIVE ME

taylor: you’re forgiven <3

este: thank you 🥰

taylor: i keep blocking her and she keeps getting new numbers

taylor: she makes it so to anyone else they read like wrong number texts

taylor: i don’t understand how i’m worth that much to her

este: you’d be worth that much to me

este: not like the same way obviously

este: but you would

taylor: thanks

este: no problem love <3

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: so i decided to pick up waffles

coolest privateer: and i just so happen to have gotten way too many

coolest privateer: Attachment: 1 Image

inej fan club founder: THAT IS A  L O T  OF WAFFLES

inej fan club founder: NIKOLAI LANTSOV I AM GOING TO MARRY YOU

coolest privateer: sorry to dash your hopes, darling, but i am not interested

coolest privateer: what i am interested in is bringing this lot of waffles and hanging out with my friends

knife wife: sure :)

merchling: I’m on my way out, I’ll miss your visit. Sorry

coolest privateer: that’s alright

inej fan club founder: I AM STAYING HERE FOR WAFFLES

coolest privateer: i’m at the door, actually 💀 i knew you’d say yes

[Slat]

Dirtyhands: Roeder, go let Lantsov in before you leave.

roeder=rider: ok

P-I: what’s lantsov doing here?

what’s an Ika?: proposing to kazzie

Dirtyhands: I will remove you from the rent, Anika.

what’s an Ika?: creative

what’s an Ika?: sorry boss

Sharpshooter: tell me when wylan’s gone

roeder=rider: he’s leaving now

roeder=rider: ooooo he’s talking with lantsov

roeder=rider: they just shut the door

roeder=rider: @Dirtyhands permission to collect information?

P-I: you mean spy?

Wraith: you say tomato, Pim

Dirtyhands: Lantsov will report to me if he cares to have others know his business.

[knife enthusiasts]

Inej: i assume that by that, you meant roeder is not spying and inej is

Kaz: You read my mind.

Inej: they’re talking about Jesper, actually

Inej: oh

Inej: basically, the story (from what i’ve gathered) is that Wylan took Jesper for stroopwafels yesterday, flirted back and forth, had a panic moment, and then got warned off by one of Jesper’s friends, so now he’s leaving Jesper alone?

Inej: i think.

Kaz: That is correct.

Inej: it was you??

Inej: who warned Wylan off of Jesper??

Inej: why??

Kaz: It was not intentional.

Inej: saints

Inej: i’m coming back in and we are having a conversation. face to face

Kaz: K.

[trio]

(Inej, Kaz, Jesper)

knives: @camera where did you go, Kaz?

camera: Lantsov had something to show me. I’ll be back soon.

action: wow ok

camera: What?

action: choosing cooler friends? 🤨

camera: If the shoe fits…

action: 😨

knives: saints

knives: Nina left with Zoya a bit ago, they have training again

camera: Lantsov is leaving soon, as well. There is plenty of room in his car for the crate. Jesper, bring it out here.

action: 🫡

knives: cleaning up the mess from the waffles right now :)

camera: Good. Make sure Roeder helps. I saw him eating some. He is not as stealthy as others that I know.

action: as inej

knives: as Inej 😌

camera: As Inej.

action: yup

[Matthias, Nina]

Matthias:

Nina,

I would like to drive my car to the conference.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

Nina: rephrase, dear

Matthias:

I’d like to drive my car to the conference.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: better

Nina: only if i can drive partway :)

Matthias:

Maybe.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: if i can have full music control.

Matthias:

Yes.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: then you could drive into the sun, for all i care, i’m singing my favorite songs <3

Matthias:

I will not be driving into the sun. But your lack of concern for our destination is easier to handle seven weeks in advance. Thank you.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: that’s a wall of text, love

Matthias:

I will not drive into the sun, but I appreciate knowing this early on that you trust my directionality that much. Thank you.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: try once more

Matthias:

I will not. But thank you for trusting me this much to get us there safely.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: you’re welcome

[Nikolai, Kaz]

Nikolai: are you a photographer?

Kaz: Why?

Nikolai: idk i saw you as camera in your messages with inej and jesper (by accident i was not snooping i promise) and now i’m curious lol

Kaz: I took a photography elective in high school.

Nikolai: what sorts of subjects?

Kaz: Tatiana Lantsov.

Nikolai: noted. the mouth is being closed.

Kaz: Good, hints can be taken.

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: jes

elphaba: please tell me what kaz brekker took pictures of in high school

galinda: i don’t know 😭

elphaba: homophobia at its finest

galinda: if i knew i would tell you

galinda: even if it meant my own slow and painful death 🥲

elphaba: the tea would be spilled regardless?

galinda: yes.

elphaba: i am reassured.

galinda: good <3

elphaba: <3

Chapter Text

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: @nightmare fuel when should i swing by to pick people up?

nightmare fuel: Never.

coolest privateer: noted

coolest privateer: @bangbangbi

bangbangbi: in like an hour sorry just got out of bed

bangbangbi: since kaz 100% is not going to say it, thanks for bringing waffles yesterday!

coolest privateer: yw

coolest privateer: the game plan is, go pick up Milo, drop him off back at the Slat, then go to rehearsal

bangbangbi: WAIT I FORGOT WE HAD REHEARSAL

coolest privateer: how??

bangbangbi: I DON’T KNOW

coolest privateer: have you even looked at your script?

bangbangbi: don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, Lantsov

coolest privateer: okay, Fahey

coolest privateer: regardless of that, have you even looked at your script?

bangbangbi: no 😭

coolest privateer: i recommend doing that before rehearsal today

bangbangbi: i willllllll

coolest privateer: good

[Nikolai, Kaz]

Nikolai: jesper’s off

Kaz: Jesper’s always off.

Nikolai: seriously, kaz. something’s wrong. i’m not sure what it is

[Read]

[Nikolai, Inej]

Nikolai: is there a reason you know of why jesper might be having an off day?

Inej: multiple

Inej: watch out for him, please

Nikolai: 🫡

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: remind me your order?

galinda: criminal that youve forgotten

galinda: some friend you are

galinda: but a cookies and cream frappe

elphaba: i do apologize

elphaba: i promise i won’t ever forget it again

galinda: good

elphaba: also, i am getting cake pops.

galinda: BET

[Crow Club]

bangbangbi: Attachment: 1 Image

bangbangbi: Milo secured <3

Coolest Privateer: only took a hoof to the knee, then horns to the back of the skull, and a trip to the er!

bangbangbi: medical emergencies arent funny

Coolest Privateer: now, to rehearsal!

knife wife: actually, to drop your roommate off. he doesn’t look very comfortable here

Coolest Privateer: nah he’ll be fine

Coolest Privateer: he’s from colder climates

knife wife: never mind he says he’ll walk home

Coolest Privateer: great! jesper get out here

bangbangbi: im working on it. saying farewell to Milo.

Coolest Privateer: let’s play spot the drama kid

bangbangbi: 🫵

Coolest Privateer: …

Coolest Privateer: accurate

bangbangbi: Milo says he’s disappointed

Coolest Privateer: milo can come to the show, then. let’s goooooooooooooo pleaseeeeeeeee

bangbangbi: what happens if we’re late?? oh, no, petyr might get to play the lead for once…

Coolest Privateer: rude

bangbangbi: accurate

knife wife: i’ll take care of Milo, Jesper. go to rehearsal

bangbangbi: fineeeeee

[M&NS]

M:

Nikolai,

There is a problem. Call me, please.

Matthias Benedik Helvar

[M&NS]

M:

Nikolai.

[M&NS]

M: Nikolai, please.

[Crow Club]

inej fan club founder: @Coolest Privateer come get your roommate.

inej fan club founder: oh never mind zoya’s going to drive him home

[M&NS]

{Incoming call: N}

[What is this chat.]

(Kaz, Nina)

Kaz: What happened?

Nina: i dunno matthias showed up at our door with luda

Nina: she’s one of ours, he said she got jumped or something

Nina: the darkling demanded all hands on deck, she’s not doing well. he’s got ivan and fedyor and koh in there with her

Nina: zoya’s driving matthias back

Nina: kaz, he didn’t just leave her

Nina: he could’ve left, and he didn’t

Kaz: I don’t think he would have.

Nina: that cult doesn’t think we’re human

Kaz: He left it.

Nina: fair enough

Nina: i hope luda makes it

Kaz: Ask Inej for prayers, not me.

Nina: i know

Nina: thanks for caring

[Read]

[este + taylor]

este: pray for luda, please. the healer matthias brought back after she got jumped

taylor: a healer got jumped??

este: yeah matthias brought her to the house

este: still don’t know exactly what happened, zoya’s probably going to grill him on his way home tbh

este: he said some of the druskelle were there

este: oh actually the darkling wants me to go with them, since i speak fjerdan. bye

taylor: bye

[Jazz Hands]

jes: can you come pick me up? nikolais headed back to his place immediately after rehearsal to intercept “zoyas storm”

jes: whatever that means

Kazzle Dazzle: Yes.

jes: ty

[Read]

[Nina, Nikolai]

Nina: if you’re worried about zoya driving him don’t i’m here

Nina: i mean you can still worry but like i’m running interference

Nikolai: thanks

Nina: np

[Crow Club]

Coolest Privateer: who’s going where

bangbangbi: i need to get home from rehearsal

inej fan club founder: i’m on my way to yours with matthias and zoya, nikolai

merchling: For the record I’m at home

knife wife: i’m at the slat, so’s Kaz last i checked

Coolest Privateer: okay

nightmare fuel: I’m on my way to the theater. Jesper, be ready to leave.

(Sent with Voice Assist)

bangbangbi: inej was wrong???

knife wife: for once

merchling: What happened?

inej fan club founder: a girl i’m rooming with got hurt and matthias helped her out

merchling: Oh

Coolest Privateer: okay if kaz is getting jesper i’ll head out

bangbangbi: ok

[Zoya, Inej]

Zoya: Nina’s staying here for the evening, i’m going to pick her up at some point. it’s a bit far to the House, would you want to get dinner with me?

Inej: i would, could you bring some back with you? i get the idea Nina, Nikolai, and Matthias won’t be thinking much about food

Zoya: no. Helvar seemed shaken

Inej: what does it take to get a healer hurt badly enough that she can’t do anything for herself? Nina’s not the most adept and she still takes care of any minor cuts she gets, bruises and such

Zoya: it takes a lot.

Inej: point taken

Inej: do you want me to meet you or are you going to pick me up?

Zoya: i’ll pick you up

Zoya: should you let your prison guard know where you’ll be?

Inej: Kaz isn’t my prison guard, he just cares about whether i’m near where she might be

Zoya: close enough

[knife enthusiasts]

{Incoming call: Inej}

Chapter Text

[knife enthusiasts]

Inej: can we do something for lunch tomorrow, or is it not within the budget

Inej: i mean like everyone

[Read]

[Nikolai, Kaz]

Kaz: I’m calling in a favor.

Nikolai: what favor lol

Kaz: The favor of allowing you to remain in the group chat.

Nikolai: ok what do you need

Kaz: You’re taking the chat out for lunch tomorrow.

[knife enthusiasts]

Kaz: Where?

Inej: idc

Inej: everyone usually likes waffles

Inej: Kooperom?

[Read]

[Nikolai, Kaz]

Kaz: To the Kooperom.

Kaz: Go offer.

Nikolai: 🫡

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: are you free for lunch tomorrow?

galinda: yeah sure

[Crow Club]

Coolest Privateer: we’re all going to the kooperom for lunch tomorrow! (whoever all is free)

merchling: I am!

knife wife: yes, please

nightmare fuel: I suppose.

inej fan club founder: nikolai continues to become my favorite

bangbangbi: i am so offended rn zenik

inej fan club founder: so spend your money on waffles for me and not cards

bangbangbi: what a tall order

Coolest Privateer: thoughts on matthias coming too

knife wife: he can

nightmare fuel: I suppose.

[Nikolai, Kaz]

Kaz: You owe me again.

Nikolai: ok

    Wylan had had several points in time when he regretted actions–the scars littered across his face, neck, and shoulders could map out most of them. One of the few that wouldn’t be written in physical scars would be his decision to listen to Kaz and back off of Jesper.

    Mostly because of the indifference with which Jesper looked at him now, quickly averting his eyes every time Wylan met his gaze.

    Wylan had parked and walked in the door to find the others already there, Kaz seated between Inej and Jesper, then Nikolai and his roommate, and then Nina. Six seats, taken, and no seventh.

    Wylan nearly turned around and walked back out the door.

    Nikolai caught his eye and jumped to his feet, grabbing a chair from another table and pulling it over, finishing whatever he’d been saying to Inej as he moved. Wylan sat down in the chair, saying some semblance of a thank-you to Nikolai as Nina waved the waitress over.

    “He’ll have a water,” Nikolai told the waitress, gesturing to Wylan as he sat back down in his own chair.

    “How was work?” Inej asked, and it took Wylan a moment to realize the question was directed at him.

    “It was work,” Wylan answered vaguely. “Someone came in with a really complicated order that I had to take.” He resisted the urge to scratch at his arms again. “I figured it out.” He’d put it to music, in his head. Then had a breakdown in the back because the last time he’d put something to music like that had been when his father had demanded he read something .

    Inej changed the subject. “How’s Luda doing?” she asked, turning to Nina instead.

    “Well,” Nina began, and Wylan assumed Luda was the roommate Nina had helped yesterday, “she hasn’t woken up yet. When the Darkling sent for all of the healers and the most skilled of the heartrenders, I was afraid that someone had done similarly to her as someone did to Nisho.” She shuddered, and Wylan averted his gaze, noticing that Matthias paid rapt attention, Inej and Nikolai listened carefully, and Jesper spun his straw in his glass. Kaz’s gaze was firmly fixed somewhere above Matthias’s head, his hands twisting in his gloves.

    “What happened to Nisho?” Jesper asked, sounding begrudgingly curious.

    “The last conference, some masked men attacked and kidnapped the Darkling. Most of the Grisha who were with him at the time died. The four survivors were the Darkling, a heartrender named Fedyor, Luda, and Nisho. He’s a Squaller.” Nina looked into her glass. “He can’t speak. They tormented him until his vocal cords were destroyed by his own screams. His face is deformed from burns.”

    Just then, the waitress brought over his water along with their plates, Wylan watched her set them down. There were seven plates. He looked at Nikolai, who still held his attention on Nina but whose gaze flicked over to Wylan as his lips curled into a smirk.

    “Surprised he remembered your order?” Jesper asked, and Wylan turned back to him. He looked amused.

    “A little,” Wylan answered, sipping his water and reaching for the flatware.

    “It’s Nikolai Lantsov,” Jesper said, as though that explained everything there was to know about their friend. “He makes a point out of remembering everything there is to know about his friends.” He leaned over, lowering his voice. “He’s shown me his notes in his phone. Entirely full of tables of his friends’ likes and dislikes. Kaz mentioned once after a show that Inej was standing too close and Nikolai’s list for him includes the fact that he doesn’t like physical contact. Everyone likes hugs from him. Kaz has never gotten one and I don’t know that he ever will unless he asks.”

    Wylan felt his heart rate pick up. He’d known Nikolai paid attention, but to realize that anything he said might get written down and made note of and used against him…

     Shut up, he told himself. You’re with people you trust. Nikolai wouldn’t do anything of the sort.

     Once the waitress walked away, Nina continued, even as she put bites of waffle into her mouth. “If I heard correctly from Maxim, they tore apart her torso, destroyed the skin of her back with whips. Maxim’s working his ass off, and the Darkling said of it that if necessary they can graft from him, as long as they don’t take so much that he can’t find the people who did this to her.” She looked up from her plate, swallowing. “Which isn’t something he just says. Luda is his weakness. If you ask me, I think the Sun Summoner is jealous.”

    Wylan had nearly quit paying attention. The scars on his face and neck were nothing, child’s play. The “expert” his father had brought in, one of the first of the new ones. Declared that all Wylan needed to loosen his mind, clear the block that kept him from reciting the words on the page, was a bit of discipline. Go ahead, Jan Van Eck had said.

    Wylan choked, coughing on the water as it got caught in his throat. His ears rang as he pushed his chair back, and Nikolai picked up his glass and moved it away. Wylan hit the floor, scooting forward until he was next to the leg of the table, clinging to it. His lungs shook, refusing to draw in the air he needed. His vision was fading, his father would be furious over him passing out–

    The hand on his wasn’t his father’s. It was narrower, the fingers more slender. The skin was dark, rich. Smooth, not wrinkled and blemished.

    “Wylan.”

    The voice was different, too. Less crisp Kerch, more of a lilt, an accent.

    “Wylan, look at me.”

    Wylan listened, forcing his eyes to move up the arm–which wore a much more colorful sleeve than the merchant’s black his father always wore–to the face.

    Jesper’s lips curled into the hint of a smile. “There, you are.” Wylan felt his own lips turning up in return. Jesper looked funny, crouched as he was, his shoulders hunched forward like a troll in the stories his mother would tell him, his head ducked low so it wouldn’t hit the bottom of the table. “Come on, we’re going back up.”

    Wylan shifted back, as Jesper’s fingers gently pried his off of the table leg. Jesper shifted back, too, toward his chair, and Wylan heard the moment his head collided with the table.

    “Ow,” Jesper exclaimed, wincing and pressing his hand to the back of his head.

    “Are you alright?” Inej asked, and it was then that Wylan noticed the three faces peering at him below the table’s edge. Inej, Nikolai, and Nina. Nina’s hands were moving, too, in circles that looked almost dance worthy, trancelike. Musical.

    In time with his heart rate.

    She was bringing his heart rate down.

    “Thank you,” Wylan mumbled, pulling himself back into his chair and feeling his face burn hot with embarrassment. Nina waved him off, digging into her waffles.

    Wylan stared at his own plate as the others began eating, his appetite lost.

    The feeling of someone’s eyes on him sparked and grew, and he shifted in his seat, finally meeting Jesper’s eyes.

    “What?” Wylan asked, shoving a fork into his waffle. Anything to wipe that look off of the Zemeni’s face–oddly caring, almost pitying, in a way.

    “You’re not eating,” Jesper observed quietly, his voice so low Wylan could hardly believe he himself had heard it.

    “I ate a large breakfast,” Wylan lied. “Nikolai didn’t ask before we got here, is all. I wanted the company.”

    “Oh,” Jesper replied, then turned back to his own plate.

    “So,” Nina began, her mouth full of one of the last few bites from her plate. “This show, the Sturmhond thing. Any chance you need an amazing actress who’s excellently talented with her tongue?”

    Matthias choked, and Nikolai lightheartedly patted his back as he answered, “I think we have it covered.”

    “I’ll just play the beautiful Shu pirate.” Nina twirled her hair. “I could get Genya Safin to tailor me, I’m sure.”

    “She’s cast already,” Jesper interrupted, slightly on edge as he pointed his fork at Nina. “Tamar’s playing her. And you’re too pale to get tailored enough to play Aditi.”

    “So rewrite it so Sturmhond’s a girl. Make it queer.” She grinned. “I’d be down to kiss Ta–”

    “No,” Jesper snapped, interrupting her as he stood up. “Sturmhond is Sturmhond. Not a fairy tale to be messed around with and twisted. They lived and died and had children and grandchildren and great grandchildren and–” he paused, taking a breath. “I have practicing to do. To make sure I get Neyali’s character right.”

    Wylan watched as Jesper stepped aside, pushing the chair back against the table and then walked out.

    “Eleven years today,” Nikolai said, looking about as not-hungry as Wylan felt.

    “What?” Nina asked.

    “Eleven years ago today. Aditi, the woman who tries to save Neyali at the end of the play–” Nikolai paused. “His mother was named for her. And she died eleven years ago. That’s why he’s off.” He locked eyes with Kaz like some puzzle piece had fallen into place. Wylan felt a sinking in his stomach.

    “Thanks for lunch,” he said hurriedly to Nikolai, pushing his chair out and getting toward the door before Kaz could possibly stop him. Sometime in the however long since he’d arrived, it had started pouring down rain, and Jesper stood there, just beyond the awning, letting the rain fall all over him as he kept his face upturned and his eyes closed.

    “Jesper?” Wylan tried, and when the Zemeni didn’t turn, he tried louder. “Jesper?”

    Jesper cracked an eye open, turning slightly until he could see Wylan. “That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.” He smirked slightly. “Or do.” The smirk faded quickly.

    Wylan hesitated. “My… mother… I thought she was gone. For eight years. She’s the reason I can afford the apartment I’m living in, she sells her paintings and insists on helping me.” Why am I saying any of this. “My father sent her to a psychiatric hospital when I was nine. Had her wrongly admitted.” Wylan shivered slightly, and Jesper shifted, turning until he was looking fully at Wylan with rain still streaming down over him.

    “I thought she was dead,” Wylan continued carefully. “So, what I think I mean to say, is I know how you feel? It sucks.” Now that the words were coming out of his mouth, they felt like entirely the wrong ones.

    Jesper stared at him for a long moment. “Yeah,” he said finally. “And, about the other day, when we were out for stroopwafels. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He scratched at the back of his neck. “I… I like you, Wylan. And I’ve hung out with you and I was hoping it would just go away because I don’t do well with feelings, romantic ones, and it isn’t. And, Wylan–” he paused, his run of words halting. Wylan found himself staring at Jesper’s lips, slightly parted as they were and waiting for them to keep moving. “If there’s one thing anyone knows about me, Wylan, it’s that I’m awful with silence so please just say something –”

    “May I kiss you?” They weren’t the words Wylan had intended to come out of his mouth, nor were they the words that probably should.

    But, then again, neither were the words that next left Jesper’s mouth. “Saints, yes.”

    Wylan rushed forward, into the rain, his hands cradling just below Jesper’s jaw for a moment, Jesper’s pulse strong and racing against his palms, and then Jesper’s hands were on Wylan’s ribs and their breaths were together, and Wylan took the smallest of seconds to take in the picture before him… before their lips were pressed together and all thought of what Jesper looked like fled in the wake of what he felt like.

     Wylan had several scars, visible ones, littered across his face, neck, and shoulders.

    He knew, now, that not only would Jesper’s kiss leave a mark, but also that it would most certainly be one that he would never regret in his life.

    Perhaps the first of those.

Chapter Text

[bicons]

queen: so

queen: inej says you weren’t at the slat last night

queen: 👀

king: she’s a tattletale

king: i rode with wylan

queen: you rode with wylan?

king: shut up

queen: i don’t think the “with” belongs there

king: nina i swear if you don’t shut up

queen: 😌

[favorites of the grump]

guns: INEJ YOU TRAITOR

roses: ?

guns: YOU TOLD NINA???

roses: she asked if you were here and the answer was no? i didn’t tell her where you were

guns: like she wouldn’t ELABORATE

roses: and if she did that’s my fault how???

roses: also you mean extrapolate

roses: elaborate is explain further

guns: SAME DIFFERENCE

[Crow Club]

inej fan club founder: @merchling how are you?

bangbangbi: nina shut up

merchling: I’m alright :)

inej fan club founder: a little sore, maybe?

knife wife: NINA

coolest privateer: nina

bangbangbi: nina i swear to saints

inej fan club founder: sorry sorry i’ll shut up now

nightmare fuel: The last thing I want to read about is how Jesper spent his evening.

bangbangbi: rehearsing

coolest privateer: HOORAY

[Theater Kids]

galinda: that’s a lie and Wylan gave me permission to tell you

galinda: i was not rehearsing 😁

elphaba: saints

galinda: although a bit of light role play never hurt anyone

elphaba: i implore you to share less

galinda: he’s lovely

galinda: and more skilled than his innocent looks would imply

elphaba: TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WYLAN, JES

galinda: 😇

elphaba: …

elphaba: did you have fun?

galinda: yes.

elphaba: good

elphaba: please share less

elphaba: but good for you

galinda: thanks :)

galinda: kaz won’t murder me will he

elphaba: nah

elphaba: he talks big but he’s a softie

galinda: LIAR

elphaba: CAUGHT ME

elphaba: just don’t hurt wy and you’ll be fine

galinda: like i was going to anyway 🙄

[Wylan, Jesper]

Jesper: real names are boring

Wylan: Ok

Jesper changed Wylan’s name to flute blower

flute blower: That’s not

flute blower: I’m a flautist

Jesper: wait one sec

Jesper changed their name to flute

flute blower: Oh

flute: too much?

flute blower: No

flute: great

flute changed the chat name to my chemical romance

flute blower: That is awful.

flute: what’s really awful is the caps that are reminiscent of Matthias Helvar

flute blower: They add character

flute blower: What do you mean by caps

flute: next time i come over i’m fixing your phone

flute blower: My phone is fine but ok

flute: you are fine. your phone has a deat h wosh

flute blower: A what

flute: saints i cant type

flute: death wish

flute blower: Oh

[Jazz Hands]

jes: so

jes: theoretically

Kazzle Dazzle: You weren’t here last night. I know where you were.

jes: you make that sound so ominous 😭

Kazzle Dazzle: Good.

jes: we talked

Kazzle Dazzle: I do not want to hear about your sexcapades, Jesper.

jes: i wasn’t gonna tell you shit about my sexcapades 🙄

jes: i was gonna say

jes: we talked

jes: and like

jes: #1 he needs a new job

jes: soon

jes: preferably

jes: also i’m pretty sure that yogurt place is putting something funny in their stuff because have you seen wylan’s arms

Kazzle Dazzle: No.

jes: you should because they’re bad

jes: rashes all over

jes: he needs a new job

Kazzle Dazzle: He may have an allergy to ingredients. They are not necessarily putting things in their yogurt.

jes: either way

[knife enthusiasts]

Kaz: Find out what you can about Yogurt Palace.

Inej: okay

[Wylan, Kaz]

Kaz: Do you have any allergies?

Wylan: Not that I know of

Wylan: Who have you been talking to

Kaz: None of your business.

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: Jes

flute: pet names?? 😍

flute blower: Did you tell Kaz about my arms

flute: uh

flute: maybe a little bit

flute: he has connections ok he can get you a new job where you’re not killing your skin

flute blower: I could find myself a new job

flute blower: But thank you

flute: yup

[murder (of crows)]

#2: i found the Lantsov emerald

#3: you what

#1: Where?

#2: uhhhh

#2: well

#2: …

#1: Inej.

#2: it’s getting resold fast. it’s like a whole line of buyers. i’m trying to follow the trail and it’s difficult, they’re covering their tracks well

#2: like money laundering, but with the emerald instead

#1: Find out where it’s going. Digital, or in person?

#2: digital. trying to track down the physical trail and it’s slow going

#3: inej we’re throwing a party

#1: How are you intending to pay for it, Jesper?

#3: with the reward money

#3: or the ransom money

#3: how much is the emerald worth to the lantsovs again

#1: I intend to find out.

#1: Ask Lantsov how much the return of the Lantsov Emerald is worth to him.

#3: why meeeeeee

#2: 🤨

#1: Because you are in a performance with him.

#3: fair enough

[Theater Kids]

galinda: quick question

galinda: how much is the lantsov emerald worth to you

galinda: like

galinda: monetarily

elphaba: i don’t know lol

elphaba: why do you ask

elphaba: is kaz holding it for ransom 💀

[murder (of crows)]

#3: houston we have a problem

#1: Who is Houston?

#3: it’s a line from a movie, you uncultured swine

#3: sorry autocorrect LOL

#3: meant uncultured bastard*

#3: anyway lantsov knows hwat’s up

#2: what’s*

#3: respectuflly my mispeling is my perogitive

#1: L.

#3: KAZ I LOVE YOU NEVER STOP BEING YOU

#1: Shut up.

[Theater Kids]

galinda: absolutely not

elphaba: right

[murder (of crows)]

#3: crisis averted

#3: 😌

#2: ok

Chapter Text

[Crow Club]

coolest privateer: have i mentioned i love theater

inej fan club founder: a few times

coolest privateer: great well i love theater

knife wife: good to know

merchling: Why is it relevant now, Nikolai?

coolest privateer: i’m so glad you asked!

coolest privateer: it’s relevant because we have a new cast member!

coolest privateer: Attachment: 1 Image

merchling: Poor Milo

bangbangbi: NO HE LOVES IT

coolest privateer: he does! he’s newly cast as a goat in the story

knife wife: how did you get a goat into the story of Sturmhond

coolest privateer: you’ll see

nightmare fuel changed their name to Boss

Boss: That image is the new nightmare fuel.

bangbangbi: rude

Boss: Accurate.

coolest privateer: he’s adorable you have to admit

Boss: No.

coolest privateer: 🙄

Boss: Do not roll your eyes at me.

coolest privateer: ok father

bangbangbi: AY ENOUGH WITH THE PARENTAL ISSUES IN THE CHAT

bangbangbi: TW NEXT TIME

coolest privateer: ok sorry 🥲

merchling: Don’t worry Nikolai there’s enough for all of us

coolest privateer: 💀

[my chemical romance]

flute: heyy

flute blower: Hi

flute: inej’s flowers are blooming

flute blower: Can I see a picture?

flute: Attachment: 1 Image

flute blower: Thank you 🙂

flute: yw

flute: they’re the same color as the shirt you were wearing yesterday

flute: and the shoes i was wearing yesterday

flute blower: You were wearing a lot of colors

flute: true

flute blower: Green, blue, a bit of purple, red, and yellow

flute: what’s your favorite color?

flute blower: Send a selfie

flute: …why?

flute blower: You’ll see

[bicons]

king: hypothetically do you wear shirts for selfies

queen: depends

king: like should i take it as is bc i’m in my natural state or do i go out of my way to put a shirt on

queen: what else are you wearing and who is said selfie going to

queen: if it’s kaz or inej put a shirt on for blackmail reasons

queen: as in, preventing blackmail

king: hang on

king: Attachment: 2 Images

king: well see now i’ve gone through all the trouble of putting one on

queen: who is it going to

queen: also, thanks for the blackmail

king: yw

king: and

king: none of your business

queen: it is my business you look hot in both pics, with or without a shirt, so shut up and make a decision

king: fine

king: it’s wylan

queen: he asked for a shirtless pic??????????

king: no he just said to send a selfie

queen: right

queen: shirtless fs

king: i’m trusting you on this one

[my chemical romance]

flute: Attachment: 1 Image

[bicons]

queen: you can’t legally sue me

king: watch me

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: The color your lips are right at the inner corner of your mouth

flute blower: that shade of pink

flute: that’s only one

flute: i said top three

flute blower: Hush I’m thinking

flute: make me

flute blower: I could

[bicons]

king: omg stop me take my phone away

queen: spill the tea, jes

king: he said hush and i said make me and he said he could

queen: accurate

king: you’re supposed to be on my side?

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: Also, the color in your skin when the light hits it just right

flute blower: and sunshine through your hair

flute: lame

flute: that’s two shades of brown

flute blower: so sue me

[bicons]

queen: on your side is helping you get laid

[my chemical romance]

flute: unfortunately my lawyer (kaz) also hates colors

flute blower: 😁

flute blower: He and I get along great!

flute: great

flute: your turn

flute blower: For?

flute: sending a selfie

[rich kids]

wy: Nikolai

lai: Wylan

wy: Hypothetically what if someone sent me a selfie and asked for one back but he was shirtless and I don’t know if I should be shirtless or not too

lai: do you want to send a selfie back?

wy: Yes

lai: do you want to be shirtless in it?

wy: I don’t know

wy: I don’t think I mind but I don’t want him to expect it from me

lai: who’s “him”?

wy: Someone

lai: if it’s who i think it is

lai: then he wouldn’t mind either way

lai: i personally would be incredibly amused by his reaction to a shirtless pic, i’m sure

lai: it would be a good one.

lai: but also you’re allowed to stay in your comfort zone

wy: Well if he does what I did when he sent me the pic

wy: Okay thanks bye

lai: what did you do??

lai: NO WAIT WHAT DID YOU DO

wy: Nothing

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: Attachment: 1 Image

[Read]

[Theater Kids]

galinda: ashckeiibcjerkskka

elphaba: saints

galinda: akchjekdhcukend

[my chemical romance]

flute: very nice

flute: thank you

[rich kids]

wy: Mission failed

wy: Abort

lai: why?

wy: He didn’t say I’m a nice color

lai: ????????

[my chemical romance]

flute: can confirm

flute: i have a new favorite color

[rich kids]

wy: Nevermind mission is back on

lai: ??

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: What is it?

flute: colors*

flute: favorite colors*

flute: you

flute: they’re you

flute blower: You is not a color

flute: it can be 😌

[Theater Kids]

galinda: fuck me nikolai i’m dying for a singular shirtless pic

[my chemical romance]

flute: but you’re right you are several colors and i like them all

flute blower: thank you

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: gay

galinda: very.

elphaba: don’t worry he panicked too

galinda: WHAT DID HE SAY

galinda: HE TEXTED YOU?

elphaba: No

galinda: WHAT DOD YOU TELL HIM

elphaba: nothing

elphaba: i told him to fuck you

elhpaba: you need to get laid

galinda: doing the saints’ work truky

galinda: not fixing that

elphaba: when do you ever fix your grammar

galinda: actually its spelling not grammat thats the problem

galinda: and i dont fix either

galinda: so

elphaba: well at first i thought you were calling me a turkey so

[Crow Club]

bangbangbi: @everyone i need a place to stay for a few

bangbangbi: for a while

bangbangbi: Attachment: 1 Image

Boss: What did you do to my kitchen.

bangbangbi: its not my fault i got distracted and forgot to put a mug

bangbangbi: under the coffeemaker spout

inej fan club founder: 💀💀💀

coolest privateer: 💀💀💀

bangbangbi: both of you shut up i didnt ask your thoughts

knife wife: they’re two of the three people in this chat who don’t live here, Jes

inej fan club founder: you said @everyone????

bangbangbi: sorry right nikolai

bangbangbi: any chance theres space for a maytress on the flor

coolest privateer: matthias will say no, unfortunately

Boss: You’re lucky I am not at the Slat right now, Jesper.

inej fan club founder: well you aren’t staying with me

inej fan club founder: my kitchen is messy enough as it is

bangbangbi: as if i wanted to

bangbangbi: the grisha house scares me 😬

bangbangbi: it’s like a massive frat house

inej fan club founder: rude

inej fan club founder: but accurate

merchling: If no one else will take you in I will

bangbangbi: thank you very much

[rich kids]

wy: What do I do

wy: He’s coming over

lai: prepare your place like a hurricane is about to hit it

wy: Should I put a shirt on?

wy: probably

lai: if you want

wy: Is he wearing a shirt? Can you ask him?

lai: 🫡

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: jesper

galinda: sup

elphaba: are you intending to wear a shirt when you go to wylan’s?

galinda: uhhhhhh

galinda: should i?

elphaba: 🤷♂️

galinda: i’m currently wearing one

[rich kids]

lai: he’s wearing one right now

wy: So I should too

lai: should i encourage him to remove it, or is that your job?

lai: i’m sorry that was terrible

lai: 💀

wy: No I should remove it

wy: Thanks

lai: no problem!!

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: then keep it on lmao

galinda: ok

[my chemical romance]

flute: i don’t have a ride :(

[Crow Club]

inej fan club founder: who needs a ride anywhere.

inej fan club founder: stealing zoya’s car and getting the hell out of here

coolest privateer: come to my house

coolest privateer: matthias wants you

inej fan club founder: everyone does

inej fan club founder: the darkling’s pissed at everyone right now i’m gonna see if zoya wants to go too

inej fan club founder: she says she’s driving

inej fan club founder: which means, we’ll be there in five

Boss: She is breaking the law.

inej fan club founder: says you??

inej fan club founder: for the record jesper i’m not driving you anywhere

inej fan club founder: insulting my roommates like that

bangbangbi: when did i insult them??

inej fan club founder: we’re not a frat 💀

bangbangbi: oh 💀 a sorority then

inej fan club founder: THAT ISN’T COED

inej fan club founder: the grisha house is coed 🙄🙄

Boss: So, a cult.

knife wife: 💀

Boss changed inej fan club founder’s name to Cultist

Cultist: rude

[rich kids]

lai: you should drive jesper

wy: I should

lai: unless you don’t want to

lai: i can go get him if you don’t

wy: No I want to

wy: Also shoot he texted me and I ignored it by accident

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: I could drive you

flute: yay!

[Crow Club]

knife wife: someone tell Jesper to quit making so much noise

Boss: Jesper, stop making noise.

bangbangbi: don’t gag this masterpiece

knife wife: right

Cultist: that’s wylan’s job

Cultist unsent a message

bangbangbi: coward

Boss: Wylan, she’s correct. Please work effectively. Do not tell me about what he does in response. I do not want to hear it.

merchling: Umm

merchling: Okay

bangbangbi: 💀

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: I’m on the way

flute: make sure you beat kaz here

flute blower: I’ll go one mile per hour above the speed limit ❤️

[Theater Kids]

galinda: Attachment: 1 Screenshot

galinda: HE LOVES ME

elphaba: gay

[rich kids]

wy: Is a red heart too much when promising to break the law?

lai: it is not, evidently

wy: What do you mean?

lai: nothing

lai: it’s not too much

wy: Good

wy: Did he text you?

lai: maybe

[my chemical romance]

flute blower: I’m here

flute: working on bringing stuff out

flute: how big is your trunk

flute blower: Average?

flute: damn

flute: might take two trips

flute: things will go in the backseat

flute blower: You can also put stuff in the backseat

[rich kids]

wy: Attachment: 1 Screenshot

wy: Help

lai: you flirt

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: you dumbass

galinda: thank you

galinda: Attachment: 1 Screenshot

galinda: also help

elphaba: go put your damn things in the car and ask inej for help if you need it i’m not there and i need help of my own

galinda: you good?

elphaba: i’m in a house with three different people and they’re all furious 😐

elphaba: not with me

galinda: oof

elphaba: luda died early this morning, the healers at the grisha house don’t know exactly why, the darkling’s furious over it, so therefore taking it out on everyone around him

galinda: oh

elphaba: which means that zoya and nina are both mad about the fact that luda got killed and also that he’s taking it out on everyone, and matthias is upset and silent because he tried and failed to save her

elphaba: so basically i’m currently making a giant vat of hot chocolate

elphaba: go enjoy your date i’ll handle my house’s crises you handle yours

elphaba: no mourners 💀

galinda: no funerals

[favorites of the grump]

roses: i’ll be down in a minute to help carry things

guns: thank you!!

roses: np

[Jazz Hands]

jes: kaz

jes: kaz kaz kaz

Kazzle Dazzle: What do you want?

jes: his hand

jes: is on the hump

Kazzle Dazzle: Wylan’s?

jes: yes.

Kazzle Dazzle: Okay.

jes: SHOULD I HOLD IT OR

Kazzle Dazzle: I don’t care.

jes: YOU ARE NOT HELPING

Kazzle Dazzle: What am I supposed to say? Yes, hold his hand.

jes: thank you

jes: what if he doesnt want me to

jes: what if its distracting

jes: hes driving, kaz

Kazzle Dazzle: Then don’t hold his hand.

[favorites of the grump]

guns: inej

roses: Jesper

guns: should i hold wylan’s hand

guns: its on the hump

roses: that’s dangerous. he needs two hands to drive

guns: he is driving with one hand and has been the entire time i have been in this car.

guns: i feel like its an invitation

roses: how about you ask him

guns: good idea

guns: im doing it

guns: inej i’m holding his hand and he’s blushing and it’s beautiful

roses: good :)

[Nikolai, Kaz]

Nikolai: wyd

Kaz: Your mother.

Nikolai: i wouldn’t be surprirsed she’s around a lot

Nikolai: i want outta here 😀

Nikolai: i’m overwhelmed

Kaz: Get out of there, then.

Nikolai: i don’t like being by myself

Nikolai: jesper’s busy for obvious reasons

Nikolai: also he made a wreck of your kitchen

Kaz: True.

Kaz: Meet me at the Crow Club.

Nikolai: great

Nikolai: thoughts on hot chocolate?

Kaz: I enjoy it.

Nikolai: great

Nikolai changed the chat name to escape artists

Nikolai: because we’re both escaping 😁

Kaz: Speak for yourself, Lantsov.

[Slat]

Dirtyhands: Clean the kitchen.

[knife enthusiasts]

Kaz: I am out with Nikolai Lantsov.

Kaz: You do not need to wait up for me.

Inej: okay

[down in flames 😜]

fox #2: i’m out with kaz

fox #2: if i haven’t texted by midnight, assume i’ve been mugged and left for dead lmao

fox #1: i’m inviting Inej Ghafa into your house and home this evening

fox #1: i am neither leaving Nina alone with this hunk of fur you call a roommate, nor am i subjecting myself to their ridiculously pathetic flirting alone.

fox #2: it’s a deal

fox #2: i’ll bring you back a fancy bottle of kvas

fox #1: you love me, Nikolai Lantsov.

fox #2: and still don’t know why 😁

fox #1: bitch

fox #2: sobachka*

fox #1: 🙄

Chapter Text

[favorites of the grump]

guns: is kaz realizing he can’t make rent without me yet

roses: you weren’t contributing to rent in the first place?

guns: right

guns: lmao

[Crow Club]

knife wife: @merchling you’re charging Jesper rent right

merchling: …

bangbangbi: don’t lie to her Wy she knows everything

Cultist: can confirm

merchling: No

merchling: I’m not

knife wife: tbf idk where he’d get money for rent anyway

knife wife: carry on

Cultist: how are rehearsals going?

bangbangbi: pretty well

Cultist: i should hope so

Cultist: matthias is complaining about you stealing trassel’s crate

bangbangbi: still cannot prove that was me, zenik

Cultist: yeah sure

Cultist added Matthias Helvar to the chat

Boss removed Matthias Helvar from the chat

Boss: No.

Cultist added Matthias Helvar to the chat

Boss left the chat

coolest privateer added Boss to the chat

coolest privateer removed Matthias Helvar from the chat

coolest privateer: petition to add matthias has been made and denied, nina

coolest privateer: believe me

Cultist: damn

Cultist: this is heterophobic

Boss: The fact that you cannot keep it in your numerous skirts is not my fault, Zenik.

Cultist: EXCUSE YOU

Boss: Unnecessary.

bangbangbi: not the slutshaming

bangbangbi: careful kazzie she’ll like it

Boss left the chat

bangbangbi added Boss to the chat

bangbangbi: ok i’ll quit it

bangbangbi: nina how are preparations for your Big Road Trip going? 😒

Cultist: bruh

Cultist: we’re literally going to try to be back for opening night

Cultist: we just won’t be there all of tech week

bangbangbi: AND WHERE AM I GOING TO GET MY REFRESHING NINA ZENIK HUGS

merchling: I know somewhere you could get decent hugs

bangbangbi: STOP BEING CUTE WYLAN I’M BEING PETTY RN

Cultist: mood 💀

coolest privateer: what am i, a brick wall?

bangbangbi: no you’re my costar that’s different

bangbangbi: we’ll be sobbing on each others’ shoulders the whole time

coolest privateer: damn right

[bicons]

queen: you aren’t actually that upset about the trip right

king: no it’s for the lolz

king: if i were i’d be saying a lot more about it

queen: ok slay

[carpool]

Nina: so i might’ve gone a little overboard

Matthias:

?

Matthias Helvar

Nina: :)

Nina: Attachments: 21 Images

Nina: two rechargeable power bricks, two portable speakers (in case the aux cords break), a spare aux cord, sunglasses, and these snacks

Matthias:

That is a lot.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: …

Nina: there’s also this portable wifi router

Nina: Attachment: 1 Link

Matthias:

No.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: ok fine

Matthias:

My car has a first aid kit, by the way.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: good

Nina: i might cut myself on your sharp jawline 🥵

Matthias:

What?

Matthias Helvar

Nina: it’s a joke nvm

Matthias:

Oh.

Matthias Helvar

Nina: could you drop the “Helvar”? i know who’s texting me lol

Matthias:

By that logic, I would drop the entire sign-off.

Matthias

Nina: …

Nina: i mean while we’re making leaps may as well make bounds—

Matthias: Okay.

Nina: WAIT FR

Matthias: Yes.

Nina: NO WAY

Matthias: Yes.

[knife enthusiasts]

Inej: found it

Kaz: Found what?

Inej: the ring

Inej: the Lantsov emerald

Kaz: Oh.

Kaz: Where?

Inej: the museum

Inej: they’re keeping it in some exhibit about influential families or something

Inej: it was forged information that said the Lantsovs sold it to the curator, and I’ve gotten copies and had other contacts of ours look at them and it’s close enough that, legally, it would be considered legitimate, even if the Lantsovs themselves tried to deny ever having made such arrangements

Kaz: Well, that must be terrible for the Lantsovs, then.

[Crow Club]

knife wife: @coolest privateer i found your ring

coolest privateer: you did??

knife wife: yeah whoever stole it fenced it incredibly well and forged information to sell it in the name of the Lantsovs

coolest privateer: damn

bangbangbi: heist

Cultist: heist

bangbangbi: heist

Cultist: heist

bangbangbi: heist

Cultist: heist

bangbangbi: heist

Cultist: heist

knife wife: Kaz?

coolest privateer: should i be afraid

Boss: If you were going to be afraid, Lantsov, the time to do so and back out of association with my Crows would have been when you first joined the group chat.

Boss: Yes, heist.

Cultist: YAYYYYY

bangbangbi: YAYYYYYYY

knife wife: :)

[Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Nikolai Lantsov]

Kaz: You’re going to the museum this evening, Lantsov. Inej, you’ll tail him. Find out about how they’re keeping your precious emerald safe. What security measures they have in place, guard rotations, the works.

Nikolai: first of all, why the museum? second of all, won’t i then be #1 suspect in the theft

Kaz: Because that is where your emerald is. And not if you have a solid alibi.

Inej: lying. i like it

Kaz: He won’t be lying. The time of the heist, Lantsov will be hosting a party. Which is also why Helvar will not be on the job.

Nikolai: he wouldn’t be on the job if you paid him his weight in gold, Kaz 😭

Kaz: Good to know.

[knife enthusiasts]

Inej: Attachment: 1 File

Inej: a pdf of the details of the security system

Inej: created word for word as the curator told Nikolai about it

Kaz: Good.

[Crow Club]

Boss: Wylan, I assume you have headphones with you.

merchling: Always

merchling: But also I’m at home so I don’t need them

Boss: Just checking.

Boss: Wylan, Jesper, you’ll be taking care of the digital security. Cameras, failsafes, and the lock that engages when the case the ring is in is touched.

bangbangbi: lovely

Boss: Inej will get you into the security center. Nina will deal with any guards.

Boss: Lantsov, you’ll be the diversion. You’re hosting a party. Get word out. Celebrate your casting as Sturmhond. Whatever.

coolest privateer: first of all i was cast a while ago

Boss: So celebrate the show week kickoff.

bangbangbi: that’s not for another two weeksssssss

Boss: Which is the time it will take to plan and execute a heist of this magnitude.

Boss: We’re not stealing candy from a baby, Jesper.

bangbangbi: no that would be harder

merchling: Depends on the baby and what methods you employ to distract it

bangbangbi: damn

[bicons]

queen: so have you made it official or are you just sharing a space and sleeping together on the regular (but casually)?

queen: because i’m unclear on that front

king: …

king: not that it’s any of your business

king: but i said, mid-show relationships don’t last

queen: saints

king: IM RIGHT

queen: YEAH SURE

[Theater Kids]

galinda: lets say hypothetically you end up in a confined space with someone you definitely like as more than friends and are in fact screwing on the regular but you haven’t really defined what you are

elphaba: this is about wylan, i assume?

galinda: 😨

galinda: how’d you know

elphaba: i must be psychic

galinda: you and everyone else

galinda: i talked to tolya

elphaba: did he recite poetry at you?

elphaba: did he reference edgar allen poe, or just the Classics?

elphaba: maybe some irrelevant war sagas?

galinda: rude

galinda: he’s actually very good at advice

galinda: also wylan’s audio speech thing is bc he’s dyslexic

elphaba: you can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious correctly when you’re auditioning with mary’s part from the song of that name and yet typing “dyslexic” you have no problem with

galinda: accurate

elphaba: …no wonder you got the role of one of the background rooftop dancers

galinda: again, rude.

elphaba: :)

[Crow Club]

Boss: How good of an actor is your goat, Jesper?

bangbangbi: I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED

bangbangbi: Attachment: 1 Movie

bangbangbi: we’ve been training him for the show

Boss: Good to know.

bangbangbi: oh no

knife wife: don’t tell me you’re involving Milo, Kaz

[Jazz Hands]

Kazzle Dazzle: The day of the heist, I am sending Roeder in with the goat as a potential new exhibit. Scope out the attendance for the day and watch the guards on their rounds.

jes: saints you’re pulling out all the stops aren’t you

Kazzle Dazzle: I am not.

[escape artists]

Royal Pain: you know you don’t have to do all of that for me

[Read.]

Chapter Text

Seven Weeks Earlier…

[Zoya Nazyalensky, Inej Ghafa]

Inej: i heard something from Jesper about some of the people from the Grisha House coming to help fix up the theater from the fire, would you happen to know anything about it?

Zoya: I know a little bit. the Darkling is putting together a team

Zoya: he’s got tidemakers, squallers, inferni, alkemi, and durasts on it

Zoya: Ivo, Fruzsi, Nadia, me, Pavel, Polina, David, and Vladim

Zoya: and there are rumors of a heartrender guard accompanying us, but I’m not sure

Zoya: why?

Inej: i was curious

Inej: do you think Nina would be on that guard?

Zoya: I don’t think so. we have a lot of more experienced grisha than Nina Zenik.

Zoya: I’m not supposed to share word of it, but the Darkling speaks of a conference in several weeks

Zoya: I suspect that with her language talents, Nina will go to that

Inej: good to know

Inej: would there be any chance the Darkling could send a different squaller?

Inej: if not that’s okay

Zoya: why?

Inej: Kaz said I have the evening off. i finished the surveillance work he needed done

Inej: and my project for the english course i’m in isn’t due for two and a half weeks

Zoya: understood

Zoya: I’ll see

Inej: thank you :)

Zoya: you’re welcome.

Six weeks earlier…

[Zoya, Inej]

Inej: i’m amused

Inej: Attachment: 3 Screenshots

Inej: Jesper’s trying (and failing) to get Kaz to let Nikolai in the chat

Zoya: I didn’t realize Nikolai Lantsov had a single enemy

Inej: besides his exes?

Zoya: as he would say, his exes are more like “former confidantes”

Inej: ah

Zoya: I take it he has not found a large fan base in your friends?

Inej: Jesper? yes. Wylan? yes. Nina? yes. Kaz? not so much for some reason

Inej: update–Nikolai told Kaz he’s rich

Inej: he’s now allowed to stay in the chat 💀

Zoya: SO THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

Zoya: how lucky i am to be but a poor etherealki

Inej: locked away within the gated community that is the Grisha House

Zoya: with no way except for my numerous modes of transportation and/or calling an uber to leave

Inej: how many do you have?

Zoya: a little mclaren speedtail (gift from Nikolai) (he does not know how to relationship.), my motorcycle (preferred), the scooter my aunt bought me when i first moved here, and I am close enough to the Darkling that if I had good reason to do so he would hand me the keys to his car.

Zoya: so, a lot

Inej: and then there’s my little jeep that’s in the shop for three more days and Kaz’s car that he never lets me drive 

Inej: (rarely lets me drive*)

Zoya: ah

Inej: and Nikolai would lend me his if i asked but he’s got stupidly good insurance and doesn’t care who drives his anyway so

Inej: oh Jesper gets a death scene in their show lol

Zoya: remind me not to attend

Inej: and by that you mean make sure you know exactly when it is so you can snag a balcony seat and be out the door before any of them have a clue you were there?

Zoya: …

Zoya: mind your concerns, Inej Ghafa.

Inej: lol

Inej: speaking of concerns, why is Nikolai roommates with Matthias Helvar?

Zoya: that is a story for a time other than today

Zoya: …or rather, not my story

Inej: point taken

Inej: thank you for not telling mine to everyone who asks

Zoya: common decency.

Zoya: Alina Starkov should learn some

Zoya: i sparred with her and the Darkling chewed me out for beating her

Zoya: all because i tumbled that tracker once

Zoya: some people really need to get a life for saints’ sake

Inej: okay

[Zoya, Inej]

Inej: i’m going to nikolai lantsov’s to watch the sturmhond movie again 💀

Zoya: good luck.

Inej: might need it

Inej: additionally, landlord’ll be here tomorrow morning

Inej: Nina’s said she’ll help me clean my room 😭

Inej: i swear she’s an absolute gem

Zoya: Enjoy your housekeeping

Inej: YOU HAVE BEEN HOLDING OUT HE IS LOVELY

Inej: HE HAS INVITED US OVER AND IS GIVING US EACH A BUDGET WITHIN WHICH TO BUY WHATEVER WE WISH FOR MOVIE NIGHT

Zoya: get a new one of the heatable stuffed animals. in case something happens. Then you don’t need to stress about remembering to bring it home

Zoya: Nikolai would keep care of it for you

Inej: you are brilliant

Inej: oh Jesper and Nina and Kaz and i are going to the store together

Inej: i’ll text you later :)

[Zoya, Inej]

Inej: Jesper has a goat.

Zoya: what.

Inej: Attachment: 1 Image

Inej: meet Milo

Inej: Nikolai’s bribing Kaz to stay and not kill Milo

Inej: I smell greed’s lever turning

Inej: movie night is back on!!!

Zoya: good

[Zoya, Inej]

{Incoming call: Inej}

{declined}

Zoya: working right now, call you back later

Inej: ok

Zoya: are you alright?

Inej: not really

Inej: she texted me

Zoya: I’ll fight her. Give me an address and I will right now.

Inej: thought you were working?

Zoya: and?

Inej: :)

Zoya: >:(

Inej: i talked to Matthias Helvar

Inej: and petted his dog

Inej: Trassel is a sweetheart

Zoya: he is.

Inej: Matthias told me a bit about why he’s living with Nikolai

Zoya: did he?

Inej: yes

Inej: thank you

Inej: for doing that

Zoya: I’m not sure I know what you mean.

Zoya: it was coincidence. pure and simple.

Inej: okay

Zoya: I’m driving Nina over in the morning with waffles. she seems to have discounts everywhere

Inej: it’s the flirting she does

Inej: it has an effect on everyone she interacts with

Zoya: except me?

Inej: apparently

Zoya: get some sleep, if you can.

Inej: is that an order, General Nazyalensky?

Zoya: I like the sound of that

Zoya: yes, it’s an order

Inej: goodnight :)

Zoya: Sleep well.

Five weeks earlier…

[Zoya, Inej]

Inej: Jesper and Nikolai have been obsessed with changing chat names and nicknames within them to match the people in the chat, would you mind if i did that here?

Zoya: do whatever you want

Inej: great

Inej changed the chat name to girl power

Inej changed Zoya’s name to General Nazyalensky

General Nazyalensky changed Inej’s name to Wraith

Wraith: surely you can do better than that?

General Nazyalensky changed their name to General

General: the general and the wraith

General: how’s that?

Wraith: that’ll do

General: Nina’s talking about you lot going for lunch

Wraith: yes, i asked Kaz if it was in the budget

Wraith: i suspect he’s blackmailed Nikolai into paying for it

General: Nikolai has more money than he knows what to do with anyway. enjoy

Wraith: i will :)

[girl power]

General: update on Luda, she’s not doing well. there’s been a rotating shift of squallers and corporalki just to keep her breathing and her heart beating

Wraith: that’s not good :(

Wraith: update on my life, Kaz has me looking into the yogurt shop my friend Wylan works at (i think you might have met him)

General: once or twice

Wraith: also, Jesper got his goat involved with the show.

Wraith: don’t ask me how a goat fits into the cast

General: depends on which limb

Wraith: …

Wraith: Zoya Nazyalensky.

Wraith: was that a joke?

General: I’ll need to do my detox now. make certain all of the humor has left my body

Wraith: 💀

General: 💀

Wraith: my flowers are blooming!

[Zoya, Alina, David]

Zoya: Thank you.

David: All I did was create the solar dishes to store the light.

Alina: IT IS A THANK-YOU FROM ZOYA NAZYALENSKY DAVID JUST TAKE IT

[girl power]

General: are they?

Wraith: yes

Wraith: Attachment: 1 Image

Wraith: they look better in person

General: good to know

Wraith: that’s an invitation, by the way. to come over. without bringing either Nina or waffles

General: let me check with the Darkling.

Wraith: ok

General: I’m leaving. so is Nina. Luda’s gone. Darkling is mad at everyone.

General: Nikolai’s house is closer. I don’t want to drive much right now. I will likely just take the bike, rather than mess with the car.

General: besides, “matthias wants to see her”

General: which doesn’t spell secret love affair in any language

Wraith: enjoy

General: I’m here. Nikolai and Kaz are going to be elsewhere.

Wraith: ah

General: you could come here

Wraith: okay

Wraith: let me get my keys

Chapter Text

[girl power]

Wraith: hi

General: hello

Wraith: Attachment: 1 Image

Wraith: Kaz takes better pictures of the flowers than i do

General: yours are great

Wraith: …but?

General: but his are better

Wraith: that’s exactly what i said 💀

General: you say accurate things

Wraith: not always

Wraith: what are you up to?

General: packing

Wraith: oh

Wraith: for?

General: some mission the Darkling is sending me on

General: i have to retrieve something from Os Kervo

Wraith: by yourself?

General: yes

Wraith: sounds lonely

General: i’ll be alright

General: do you have much going on this week?

Wraith: tracking a stolen and fenced thing for Kaz, keeping Jesper and Nikolai from killing one another and not their characters in the show, and making certain Wylan gets plenty to eat

Wraith: so, less than usual

General: if you’d like to, you may accompany me

Wraith: i’ll check with Kaz

Wraith: someone needs to water my flowers and take lovely pictures of them :)

General: i’m sure even if he says no, you can find someone else who will

General: it’s difficult to say no to you

[knife enthusiasts]

Inej: can i go on a trip to Os Kervo with Zoya?

Kaz: I don’t care.

Inej: would you mind looking after the flowers while i’m gone?

Kaz: I suppose. How often do they need watering?

Inej: depends on the flower. I’ll send instructions before i leave

Inej: the ones on the sill are all three times a day

Kaz: I can’t on Thursday. I’ll be on a job.

Inej: okay

Inej: what sort of job?

Kaz: I won’t reveal too many details over text. But it involves Lantsov.

[favorites of the grump]

roses: can you water my flowers on thursday when i’m out of town with Zoya

guns: anything for you darling

guns: how much water? don’t want to drown them

roses: farmer boy

roses: i’ll ask Kaz to make sure you remember ❤️

guns: oh thanks i’d def forget

roses: a friend of mine painted my little water pails for me, they’re different sizes but each one holds the amount that the flowers need

roses: want to guess which friend?

guns: Wylan?

roses: yes

guns: i remember him asking me what flowers you had for that

roses: i knew someone in the house was in on it.

guns: guilty as charged

guns: and my sentence is doing your chores while you’re gone

roses: all of them? if you insist

guns: uhh

roses: water the flowers, make sure Wylan eats, make sure Kaz gets a halfway decent amount of sleep, keep your nose out of the gambling parlors, don’t stab Nikolai and don’t let him stab you, don’t get bitten by Trassel or Matthias, and make sure Milo enjoys rehearsals 🫶

guns: i already do all but one of those

guns: guess which one

roses: i knew Kaz was looking rested, Wylan was looking fed, and my flowers were a little flooded

roses: which casino?

guns: HEY

guns: rude

roses: …but?

guns: accurate

guns: although i wouldn’t mind being stabbed by nikolai

roses: i don’t need to hear about your fantasies, Jesper Llewellyn Fahey

[girl power]

Wraith: when do we leave? flower caretaking has been arranged

General: tomorrow morning

Wraith: 🫡

Wraith: whose car?

Wraith: or the bike 👀

General: he’s given me his car

Wraith: scandalous

Wraith: what’s next, a specially designed kefta?

General: i wish

Wraith: if only a raise.

General: i find it amusing how similar and yet different our bosses are. Kaz would give you a special outfit if you asked

Wraith: but instead he gave me knives 🔪 

General: indeed

Wraith: my first knife he actually stole from Jesper’s da

Wraith: for the record

General: a kitchen knife?

Wraith: better–his good pocket knife

General: wow

Wraith: Colm still doesn’t know where it is

Wraith: but as soon as i could afford it i got him a new one

General: good

Wraith: how many knives should i bring

[favorites of the grump]

roses: i just asked Zoya how many knives i should bring

guns: if she doesn’t say “all of them” drop her immediately she doesn’t deserve your friendship

roses: 💀

[girl power]

General: all of them.

Wraith: yes, ma’am.

[down in flames 😜]

Fox #1: help

Fox #2: ?

Fox #1: remember how you got off on my authority?

Fox #2: Zoya Nazyalensky.

Fox #2: vividly. and dream of it often.

Fox #1: Inej just called me ma’am

Fox #2: SAY LESS

Fox #2: marry her

Fox #2: tomorrow

Fox #2: before you leave for Os Kervo

Fox #1: no

Fox #1: she’s coming with me

Fox #2: IT COULD BE THE HONEYMOON

Fox #2: i’ve always had a fondness for os kervo

Fox #1: on a mission for the Darkling?

Fox #2: …

Fox #2: you do have a point.

Fox #1: actually i shouldn’t judge considering every time you’re let in on a heist for Kaz you freak the fuck out

Fox #2: fuck you, Nazyalensky

Fox #1: no

Fox #2: okay go have your fluffy little gay girl romance enjoy

Fox #2: road tripping.

Fox #2: meanwhile i’ll

Fox #2: request updates on the ring i lost, i guess

Fox #2: imagine having an exciting love life

Fox #1: imagine

[trio]

knives: i’m. going. on. a. trip. with. zoya.

action: gay

action: have fun

action: i should take Wylan on a trip

action: where would he want to go?

action: wait we aren’t even together nvm

action: wait you two aren’t together either

knives: you could ✨ ask him ✨

action: why would i do that when you know everything

knives: …

knives: Kaz defend me

camera: All of us lack romantic relationships. Most of us lack sexual relationships. Love will kill you.

knives: love hasn’t killed me yet 💪💪

camera: Keyword being yet.

knives: shhhh

[girl power]

General: i’m at the store. do you want any snacks?

[este + taylor]

taylor: any recommendations for road trip snacks?

este: candy

este: popcorn

este: flavored condoms

taylor: 🤢🤢

taylor: candy sounds great. popcorn too

este: TBF IT DOESN’T TASTE GREAT WITHOUT A CONDOM

taylor: PREACHING TO THE CHOIR, ZENIK

[girl power]

Wraith: sure :) popcorn and candy?

General: okay

[Crow Club]

Cultist: WHY AM I JUST NOW LEARNING YOU’RE TRAVELING WITH ZOYA NAZYALENSKY

Cultist: @knife wife

coolest privateer: are you the last to know?

Cultist: nikolai before me.

Cultist: i’m beyond offended

knife wife: ?

[trio]

knives: shoot

action: i didn’t tell her

camera: Nor did I. I’m assuming Nikolai knows because Zoya told him.

knives: i’ll bet he assumed she knew

[Crow Club]

knife wife: i didn’t tell him, Nina

Cultist: i’d say LIES but you don’t lie

Cultist: i’m still offended

Cultist: but please tell me it’s going well and she hasn’t violated the geneva convention yet

knife wife: does she do that often?

Cultist: only when nikolai lantsov either gets on her nerves or gets on her nerves iykwim

knife wife: blocked

coolest privateer: blocked

Boss: Blocked.

Cultist: inej i’ll beg you not to block me

bangbangbi: you can get on my nerves nikolai 😉😘

Merchling: Blocked

coolest privateer: look what you’ve done now

Cultist: who?

knife wife: me?

coolest privateer: ofc not inej you’re lovely and the best thing that ever happened to Kaz Brekker Himself

Cultist: blocked.

Cultist: the best thing to ever happen to kaz brekker was colm taking away the kitchen shears before he could ruin his hair all over again

Boss: Not true.

coolest privateer: which one isn’t true?

Boss: Both.

knife wife: the best thing to ever happen to Kaz Brekker was in fact probably movie night at the blond dorks’ house

coolest privateer: take it back.

knife wife: no 🫶

Boss: It wasn’t that, either.

coolest privateer: what was the best thing to ever happen to you, then, Kaz Brekker?

Boss: Nothing. My entire life has been miserable and that’s exactly how I like it.

knife wife: it’s true

Cultist: time to brighten it 😈

coolest privateer: no

Cultist: ??

Boss: The only way to brighten it would be if I was the richest man in the world, which I am not. Yet.

knife wife: no Nikolai Lantsov has you beat still

coolest privateer: he could steal it all

coolest privateer: over the course of several years

Boss: Sounds like a fun challenge. What is my prize if I am successful?

coolest privateer: did you know that many couples sign prenuptial agreements?

Cultist: not the terrible flirting 💀

Boss: Marriage would be an easy way to do it. And it provides excellent tax benefits. If you continue to be romantically or sexually unsuccessful I will consider taking you as my husband.

coolest privateer: “or” 😭😭

[Theater Kids]

elphaba: HELLO?????????

galinda: did he just

galinda: congrats?????

elphaba: that was a whole ass proposal, Jesper Fahey

galinda: i’ve wanted him to ask me that for years 😭

elphaba: sucks to suck

elphaba: or not suck, i guess

[este + taylor]

taylor: no possible way he just

este: 🤯🤯🤯😨😨😨‼️‼️‼️

[Theater Kids]

galinda: imagine sucking him

elphaba: i do

elphaba: regularly