Archive of Our Own ^beta

You got your head all tangled up
But if I can only make you care.

The moment Sirius Black sets foot on the stone floor of King’s Cross Station, he feels something, unseeable for the rest of the world, unlock inside him. A relief that courses through his veins, knowing that he is finally back to the train that will transport him all the way back to his first and only real home: Hogwarts.

Still, he feels Walburga shadow weighing on his shoulders, and he knows they will not totally loose that tension, even when she will have finally left.

He scans the crowd for the forever-messy hair of James Potter, the unmistakable length of Remus, the golden-blond hair of Peter, but he sees none of them. Even if he did, he wouldn’t go to them until Mother has left. He has never dared leave her side. On second year, the other three had come to him and… Mother had intruded his mind.

She does that sometimes. The only sort of contact they have. Her rabid mind searching through Sirius’s brain and lashing anything she doesn’t like in there. It hurts. Not in the way some of her curses do, it’s a weird pain, that doesn’t really hurt his body afterwards but one that makes him want to curl and to never see the world again.

She doesn’t do it often, it must tire her. She had done it this time. He had had to try to stop thinking really fast. Blocking thoughts from his mind, a blank canvas where she couldn’t find anything. Hopefully, she’s not good enough of a legilimens to truly violate his mind intimacy.

He had begged his friends to not approach him again when Mother was nearby, and, though they have watched him strangely, they never did it again.

Mother stays a long time. She doesn’t like to spend time with either of her sons, even if she always said that she has at least one son she’s proud of, (spoiler alert: that son is not Sirius). She’s proud of Regulus only because he doesn’t bother her. He is a ghost in the house, a brilliant student in school, exactly what Walburga dreamed of that she never had with Sirius.

She stays here, between her two sons, waiting, just showing that she knows neither will move until she does, because they are well-trained. Knowing full well what would happen if they left before her. Nothing at first, she couldn’t do anything with so many people around her, but Walburga Black knows how to hold a grudge, and the next time they’d see her…

Sirius stops thinking. He has to. He doesn’t want to think about Mother. He wants to think about the Marauders, about seeing them after two long months with seeing the same three persons. When he was allowed to. Mother knows he hates them, but she also knows he hates being alone, so multiple time, she had just locked him in his room. One time it had last five days.

Five days alone in his room. Even Kreacher would have been welcome.

Sirius hates his family, but if there’s one thing he hates even more, it’s being alone. Left to his thoughts, with no distractions allowed… his parents are good at torturing people. They don’t even have to physically brutalize them to make them miserable.

She stays for so long that he gets to see the three other Marauders reuniting, then looking in his direction with worried gaze, and he doesn’t move. It feels weird, being still as a wall when everybody is rushing, crying, shouting.

“I think it’s time I go. Make me proud.”

She disaparates without another word and Regulus leaves too without a gaze for his brother. Mother loves conflicts and she is so good at creating them…

He shakes his head and put on a grin when he sees his best friends coming to him. James is the first to reach him and first thing first, he puts Sirius in a headlock and ruffles his hair with a laugh.

“I missed you, mate!”

“Missed you too, Jamsie…” says Sirius when he catches a bit of air between his happy laughter. He truly did miss James. He missed his Marauders. He is nothing without them.

He tries to get off the embrace without too much motivation because he liked it here, in James’s arms.

“Mum’s still here, she wanted to see you, since you couldn’t leave your house this summer.”

Sirius’s eyes widen, a big smile stretching his lips.

“Really?” Effie Potter waited for him? It was like the sun suddenly shone a little brighter.

“’f course, she’s back there. Come on! Train will leave in a minute.”

He spots Euphemia and quickly walked towards her, willing himself to not run. He just wants to jump in her arms, but he stays a few feet away from her, an awkward smile on his lips.

“Hi…”

“My sweetheart! Am I not allowed a hug?”

Sirius’s heart does a flippy little thing in his chest and he tumbles forward, almost falling on her. But she’s here to catch him, so he lets himself do it.

“Sorry I couldn’t come this summer…”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t drag you out of this shithole, sweetie.” For Effie to swear is that she cares about the thing she’s talking about a lot.

“Thank you for being here…” he really means it, he doesn’t think he’s good enough to deserve her being here, but he’s still happy that she has waited for him.

“Always.” If only…

He tightens his embrace, and he just stays here for a few seconds. He wants to stay here for much longer, but he hears the whistle that says the train is almost ready to go so he leaves, regretfully.

“Go on, sweetheart, Fleamont and I will be here to see your Quidditch matches anyway, yeah?” Sirius’s heart shouldn’t warm that much, because he knows they come to the matches for James, not for him, he’s not their son, after all.

“Yes. Okay. Bye, Mrs. Potter…” why is he always so awkward? Mrs?

Effie just laughs at that and she presses Sirius against her heart a second more.

“Sirius, you’re my son, don’t call me Mrs, please?”  

She smiles before kissing his forehead and Sirius can’t help but melt a little. He hasn’t had that much affection in months.  

“See you, sweetheart!”

“Thank you. See you soon!” His smile is enormous, and he’s embarrassed by it, but, even with all of his will, he can’t make it go away.

He starts running towards the train, where James waits for him, waving his arms a little to Euphemia, who sports a great smile at the two of them.

“So, this summer wasn’t too shitty?”

Sirius shrugged, acting like he hasn’t had the worse thoughts in his head all summer.

“Could’ve been worse I guess…”

Could’ve spent the two months alone…

James has a dubitative pout, but he doesn’t object anything.

“Anyway, you’re here now, this year is going to be brilliant, I promise you!”

“We have our OWLS, James, we must be serious…”

“Still with that joke! Quit it, Black.” James tuts but his grin betrays him. “As if you care about your OWLS, you’re too talented for that.”

Sirius is about to answer when he sees Remus’s soft hair stick out of a cabin and addressing him – them, fuck it Black – a big smile.

“Finally here! The girls couldn’t find a cabin, so they are with us.”

Sirius lets a scoff at the way James suddenly stands out straighter, the grin on his face wider. As if Evans did that to be with him…

They follow Remus, who sits near the window, but at the sad gaze Sirius gave him, he shifts places with a scoff and lets him have the view. Sirius loves seeing the landscape shift, far from his house, he can remember all the journey that this is true, that he is leaving.

“Thanks, Remoony!”

“Stop calling me that, or I take your place again.” Remus narrows his eyes, wanting to sound menacing, but only being cute, in Sirius’s opinion. Even if Remus is taller than Sirius, a fact he will never willingly admit out loud, he won’t ever brutalize Sirius.

“Sorry my dear Remus, please, leave me my seat?” he asks with his better puppy eyes.

“I’m a kind soul, you can.”

Remus is really perfect.

A perfect friend.

Sirius giggles at that -if anyone asks, it wasn’t a giggle, Sirius Black doesn’t giggle- and his belly warms a bit at the sparkling in Remus’s eyes.

He shifts a bit in his place, and he gets closer to Remus, loving to have a safe human being that close to him. He looks by the window, loving the familiar changes in the landscape, each kilometres bringing him near his castle.

He feels finally safe, surrounded by his friends’ chatter. The warm atmosphere sends him dozing off, knowing he can, knowing he doesn’t have to constantly be on his guard. He always sleeps bad at Grimmauld Place.

He feels safe.

There’s a soothing presence surrounding him, he feels the slim fingers in his hair, just above his ear, a soft stroking of his temple. His head is on someone’s lap. Remus’s laps. He doesn’t want to move, he wants to stay here forever. It feels almost safer than it did back in Euphemia’s arms.

“He’s cute when he sleeps”, he hears Peter chuckles.

“At least, we’re at peace!”, James. Faux brother.

“It’s hard to believe he is that mischievous when he’s awake. He looks so innocent like this.”

Remus’s fingers continue to caress his hair, it seems even softer than before, a little brush, almost reverent. He should always wake up like that, it’s the only acceptable way. Only waken by Remus, his scent making Sirius’s head light and a bit dizzy.

Remus smells so good, and Sirius feels so warm, he wants to snuggle into him and never leaves.

He lov-

“I’m awake!”

“Who the hell wakes up like that? Sirius, you’re alright?” asks James, with his wide eyes behind his thick glasses.

Sirius shrugs and he recoils near the window, far from Remus, because he shouldn’t sleep on people like that, he shouldn’t sleep on Remus, who smells so good and who is so sweet, no, now he’s wide awake, he’s by the window, he looks at the landscape and he doesn’t feel his cheeks flush as he thinks again, again, at the way Remus’s fingers have made his whole body shivers.

They arrive at Hogwarts and Sirius breathes again, his castle. The hall is full of children, Peeves is cackling and blowing firecrackers near the students, the more serious are furious, but the normal ones are laughing at their beloved troublemaker. Though, Peeves stops when he sees the Marauders and he bows to them, and then, he carefully avoids throwing the firecrackers at them.

If all the students did a little bit more of mischief, Peeves would be a lot more sympathetic to them.

After the Sorting, lunch is finally served and Sirius salivates at them, a real lunch, without being scrutinized by Mother, or being alone and being given only what is necessary for him to survive. He puts so much food on his plate that it starts to fall from it.

“Alright Black? No one’s starving you, you know?” laughs Marlene when she sees it, Sirius laughs too, saying that it’s just better than what he has at home, carefully not mentioning that, yeah, he is being starved by his own family.

His eyes meet the ones of the other and he sees their fear in it, he tries to laugh it off, but it lacks conviction. They smile too, but only to not worry the rest of the table.

Sirius can’t even finish his plate because it’s too much for him, and he knew it would happen, but the moment the door of their dorm closes, the Marauders all look at him.

“We couldn’t ask questions before, but we have many, and don’t you dare lie.”

This is James, sweet protecting James who can’t bear knowing that Sirius has been hurt. Truthfully, all his friends look sick when he sometimes tells them what has happened to him.

So, Sirius stopped telling them, so that they can all look happy, because he needs his Marauders to be happy, he really does. If they’re not his happy place, then, nothing is, and that would be awful.

“It’s fine, guys, honestly, they did not starve me, they just… don’t like when we eat too much. But it’s fine. Really. I am fine.”

He opens his arms, as to prove his point, to show he is in perfect health. It’s when he does that that he notices that his arms are really thin, as well as… well, the rest of his body. He quickly closes his arms, and the worst in all of that, is that they don’t even look mad, they just look sad.

“I didn’t want to sound threatening, Pads, I’m sorry.”

“As if you ever would…”

“You know, we’ve been friends with you for four years. You’re our best friend, we spend all our time together. We know that this summer was bad. Others may not see it, but you can’t lie to us.” Peter’s voice is soft, so much sadness in it.

He hates making his friends sad.

“If you really don’t want to talk about it, we won’t force you, but don’t keep it all inside because you don’t want to burden us, or make us sad, or whatever reason you could think about. Right?”

They’re all so soft, he’s not a child! Why do they treat him like a hurt dragon?

“I’m fine, alright, I’m not a child, stop treating me like that. I’m fucking perfectly fine, never been finer actually! I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine! I can survive whatever they put me through, I don’t need your soft words. I’m not a child, I’m not hurt, I’m perfectly fine, and I’m grown enough to take care of myself!”

He wants to throw something, to slam a door, to pound, to scream even more. Instead, he ruffles through his luggage takes some clothes and locks himself in the bathroom. He throws himself in the shower, turning the water on hell-hot, burning his delicate complexion.

He’s so frustrated, he doesn’t know what to do with all of this energy, he wants to punch walls, to scream until he has no sound remaining in him.

He wants to be held, he wants someone to see that, to see that he is a scared child and that he needs someone to save him from there. That he can’t survive anymore with them. The Blacks.

He doesn’t look at them before flopping in his bed and closing his curtains. He likes this bed so much, it’s good to be back. He just wishes he hadn’t just had a fight with his best friends. He didn’t want to be crossed with them from the beginning of the year.

“Sirius, can I come?”

He is going to want to talk with Sirius. But it’s James.

“Yes.”

He turns his back at him and James settles behind him.

“We didn’t want to cross you, Padfoot. We’re just worried for you and if you don’t tell us anything, then, how are we supposed to know how to help you? We want to be there for you. If you don’t want to talk about it just yet, it’s fine, we’re not mad.”

He knows that James is fiddling with the sleeves of his pyjamas, he does this when he’s concentrating. Who would he be without James?

“We’ve all agreed that we were absolutely not mad with you, okay? Just… tell us what we can do, take the night to think about it, and if you really want to act like nothing has happened this summer, well, we’ll act like that. But don’t you dare act like this because you don’t want to give us trouble! We… we love you Sirius. Really. And you’re a good person, you deserve good things.”

There’s a silence.

“You’re crying?”

He realises that he is, and that James realised it because he has sobbed.

“N-no… I-I’m fine.”

James goes closer to him, and he wraps his arms around him, and Sirius’s hiccups become more violent.

“It’s okay now, we got you Siri…”

“I missed you so much. It was so long. I hate being alone…”

James’s head is nuzzling into his neck.

“You’re not alone. Ever, we’re always here. I won’t let you go back there. You hear me? You’re not ever going to this house.”

“I have to. Regulus still lives here. I… I can’t… let him alone with them.”

“He can come too. I can bring the two of you at home. They hurt you too much.”

“Regulus hates me. He’s not going to agree.”

James doesn’t answer at that.

“He hates me, b-but, I can’t leave him. You know that.”

James hugs him tighter.

“We’ll figure this out before Christmas. I promise. We’ll find something. But you’ve got to sleep. You’re not alone.”

Sirius knows he’s not, but sometimes, he forgets it a bit. Like this, with James protecting him from the rest of the world, he remembers fully, and he falls asleep wishing that James’s promise could be true.

“Today, we’re here to assist to the first Quidditch match of the year, a match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw’s teams!”

Sirius is full of adrenaline, full of excitement for the match that is coming, he likes Quidditch so much.

It’s been a month since they came back, and Sirius hasn’t talked about anything about this summer. He just wanted the sad glances to stop as soon as possible, and he didn’t want to explain to them why he wouldn’t tell them what happened this summer. Didn’t want to say he hated their sad eyes, because they would just have done more sad eyes.

So, he hasn’t told anyone, and he’s coping just-fine.

James and he are ready to get changed, but they first wait for the Potters to be there.

“James, Sirius!”

They turn quickly and see Euphemia and Fleamont walking towards them with a great smile, Gryffindor scarfs wrapped around their necks.

Fleamont goes towards James first who squeals out a little ‘dad’ full of joy.

Euphemia let them be and turns towards Sirius instead, walking to him with one of that big smile of her.

“Hello sweetheart! How are you going now?”

“t’s fine, really.”

Sirius wraps his arms around himself, and he fiddles with his sleeves. He always feels a little nervous around Euphemia, she’s so perfect, and Sirius is just… Sirius. Full of problems, and flaws. Sirius wants so badly to be perfect around Effie.

“You know, if it’s ever not the case, we’re just a floo-call away, your dad and I, right?”

“Dad?”

He wants Euphemia to take him in her arms, he just wants to be hugged. He has realised that this year. He craves human contacts, anytime he can, he’s just snuggling closer to people, sitting on James’s laps – not Remus’s, because he still makes Sirius’s head dizzy, and he doesn’t understand why – anything, really.

Euphemia’s hand lands on his shoulder, as if she could read his thoughts – she isn’t, he knows what it feels like – and she brings him closer to her.

“Of course, ‘Dad’, I’ve already told you, and I will remember you forever if needed, but Sirius, you’re our son as much as James is. You can continue to call us Effie and Monty, but if you ever feel like it, we’d be so happy that you call us Dad and Mum.”

“I’ve never called anyone ‘Mum’.”

“You can take all the time you want Sirius. We’re never leaving you. Now, give me a real hug.”

Sirius arms extends and he wraps them around Eff- around his mum’s – ? – back, and he hugs her until he can’t breathe.

“Shush now, go hug Monty, and then get changed and beat those Ravenclaws! We believe in you!”

She makes him leave the safety of her arms, but her eyes and her whole face smile with that real smile of her, that makes Sirius believe that the world can actually be good.

Fleamont lets go of James and Sirius walk to him, a shy smile on his lips.

“Hi, son! I’m so sorry I couldn’t see you sooner, I had to work when you took the train, or else I would absolutely would have come. I miss you so much.”

Sirius can’t answer.

Fleamont is in front of him, he has a big grin, the one James took over, and Sirius can’t answer.

He is biting his tongue until he’s bleeding because else, he’ll cry, and he can’t cry, because that’s ridiculous.

“The stress is here, eh? I understand. Want a good luck hug?”

Sirius just nods, he knows – and Fleamont does too – that it isn’t stress, not at all, that it’s because he doesn’t understand how Effie and Monty can be that good to him when he does nothing to deserve it.

Sirius can’t walk either, so that’s Fleamont who takes a step forward and close the space between them, hugging Sirius who is choking on feelings. All those feelings he doesn’t understand.

Fleamont kisses his temple before murmuring.

“Go get them, I trust you.”

When Sirius goes to sleep that night, it has been hours since the match has ended, but it feels like he’s still flying.

Sirius craves human touches.

Sometimes, he feels like a drug addict, needing it to be able to survive. The only problem is that he doesn’t know how to ask for it. It always feels ridiculous to ask, ‘hey, can you hug me, I feel like I’m going to die otherwise?’.

Sirius doesn’t ask that.

So, he does what he knows. He flirts helplessly, desperately, until he makes out with all the girls of the castle that he can.

He flirts and he sleeps with someone for the first time.

He flirts, he flirts, and he flirts.

He wants contact.

He craves the moment the hands get on his body. He craves the moment, after the sex, when the girl just grips his body until she’s calm enough. He wants these moments to never end.

He flirts.

He fucks.

He sees the worried gazes of his Marauders, but he doesn’t care, he just wants people to love him.

He wants to be loved, to be cared about.

He doesn’t want to think about the fact that he can’t stop thinking about Remus, never mind the moment of his life.

Worst, that he can’t stop thinking about him, mostly in the moment where he’s searching for the contact. When he has it.

He knows that his Marauders are worried. At first, they were all happy, because he had succeeded in getting a girl in his bed. They were making bad jokes and asking shy questions. Now they look at him with furrowed brows anytime he gets back to the dorm dishevelled. They tutt at him anytime he starts to flirt.

It drives him mad. Why can’t they get it?

He just needs… he needs… he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what he’s helplessly chasing while shagging all these girls.

When he’s with them, he feels as complete as he can be, but the moment it ends, he feels empty, and still desperately chasing that something he doesn’t know.

“What are you thinking about?”

Mary is lying beside him, her head on his chest. He likes shagging Mary, she’s a sweet lover, and she seems to like Sirius. Sirius likes her too. She doesn’t really make his stomach flutters – the only one that can do this is Rem- – but he likes her.

“Sex.”

It isn’t technically a lie.

“How romantic, Black.” She laughs, but she doesn’t move from him.

“We’re not really romantic, are we?” He doesn’t want to be romantic with her. Just that is all good to him.

“Of course not. You’re just a pretty boy who wants to shag a pretty girl. We’re mutually satisfying each other. It’s a good deal.”

He hums and reaches his hand to her hair, gently scraping his fingernails to her scalp.

“Honestly, though, Sirius, you don’t look really good these times? I know you have the boys to talk about, but you know… boys…”

She has slight disgust in her voice, probably to make him laugh, but he can see she’s really worried.

“Anyway, if you need someone a little bit more emotionally smart, I’m here for you.”

“I don’t-. I’m not… It’s just, I’m just a bit tired. The OWLs, all of this, put me on the edge.”

Mary sighs before slapping his chest, lightly.

“Sirius, you’re the least convincing person, ever, and I’ve known girls who hated me and who tried to make me think they were my friends. Anyway, you’re a bad liar. And everyone who knows you a little knows that you would never stress over your OWLs.”

“What if I was though?”

“Are you?” her brows get up to her hairline, and she looks at him inquisitively.

“No.”

The silence is heavy on them, and Mary peppers a few kisses on him.

“Mary.”

She leans on her arms, rising her head to really look at him.

“I- can you just… stay here? A little while longer?”

“Of course, Siri, I’ll stay here a little.” She has a little smile. Sad. Sirius doesn’t like sad.

“Thanks.”

He just wants contact.

He just wants to be loved.

Regulus looks at him with a cold face. He’s angry.

Regulus is always angry at Sirius. He hates Sirius, and Sirius doesn’t know why he keeps trying to save him, since, obviously, Regulus doesn’t want to be save by his big brother.

“Reggie…”

He knows his voice is pathetic.

“I won’t come to the Potter, not for Christmas, not ever. Go ahead. I can stay with them.”

He doesn’t even look at him in the eyes.

“I can’t let you alone with them.”

But he can’t come back to them.

“You don’t have to let me do anything! I’m not your duty to keep on.”

Regulus never screams. His voice gets harder with every words. Losing every feelings they could have. That’s how he gets really angry.

“This has nothing to do with a duty! I do this because…”

Sirius breathes heavily because he doesn’t know how to say these words.

Because I love you Regulus.

Because you’re my little brother, and I have to take care of you, because if I don’t, who else will?

“Because what? Because, worst, I’m the burden you have to take care of? Is that it? What I am to you? Am I your good conscience case? That you fill so that you can sleep at night?”

“I don’t sleep at night, shut up! You’re saying bullshit.”

“Oh, am I now?”

“I don’t want you to go in that house. I don’t want you to go back!”

“You don’t want me to go back? But who do you think you are? It’s not because you’ve decided that you wanted to leave that family that I have to do the same. I have some loyalty.”

“Loyalty? You have loyalty for the wrong person! Fuck. Regulus. I just…”

“You, you, you, can’t you listen to other? I’m not the black sheep of this family and I don’t want to become it. You hear me? I’m loyal to this family because it’s my family. You can keep your grandiloquent speeches for yourself. Leave me alone. You can’t decide to leave the family but not me. That doesn’t work like that.”

“Please… just… think about it. I don’t want to go back there, but I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“Piss off, Sirius. I’m not your dog to keep. I don’t need you to live.”

And with that, he just leaves the abandoned classroom in which Sirius had pulled him.

Sirius is shaking. Shaking, shaking, shaking.

He leaves the room, go towards the Great Hall, he eats, he goes to sleep, and he’s shaking, shaking, shaking. He’s going back there. He’s going back to Grimmauld Place.

He doesn’t want to.

He can’t leave Regulus alone.

Why can’t the world let him be happy?

He gets off the Hogwarts Express, James, Remus, and Peter by his side.

James still thinks that Sirius is going to spend Christmas with his family, accompanied by Regulus. Sirius couldn’t tell him. He tried to but, in the end, he had let James believes what he wanted. It was easier that way.

“You’re going to pick Regulus?” James is so happy.

“No… I’m going to Grimmauld Place with him. I’m sorry James. I didn’t- I wasn’t…”

“What? No, you’re not! I promised you!”

“I’m not mad at you, there is promises you can’t keep, it is out of your control. I’m going back there with him. It’s going to be okay, it’s just two weeks.”

Bile rise in his throat at that.

Fourteen days. Fourteen days with them.

“I wanted to go with you, James, I swear.”

James looks so surprised and betrayed, he doesn’t move, just looks at Sirius, his eyes full of despair.

Sirius wants to comfort him, but he can’t, because he wants to go back into that train or just run, run far away from Grimmauld Place, and he can’t convince someone else that it is going to be okay when he just wants to puke at the idea of going back there.

“Just come talk to Mum and Dad…”

Sirius shakes his head, he can’t, he won’t be able to leave.

“Sorry.”

He spots Kreacher and walks the faster he can towards him, trying not to think about his friends behind him and their betrayed looks. He lets himself be apparated to the place he dreads the most, alongside with the brother he tries so powerlessly to help.

Cold sweat drip in his back when he takes in his surroundings. Those dark walls, etched with gruesome memories, those portraits of his ancestors, who all became crazy, like Sirius is destined to be.

He wants to leave, during a second, he’s ready to do it, to just take the door and run to the Potters, but as he looks at it, he sees Regulus, and he remembers why he came here in the first place.

Mother is awful, as usual, she praises Regulus while trashing on Sirius anytime she can. He wishes he could say that it doesn’t affect him, but the worst is that it does. He hates her but her words still held so much weight in his heart.

Still, he prefers that to all the other things she has done to him. But it’s only been three days. Still eleven to go. He won’t escape violence during eleven days. He’s never been able to do that.

He has always cold here. He shivers all day long, and no matter how many jumpers he puts on, he’s still cold. He should have brought one of Remus’s, they’re so soft – like him – and they always warm him.

None of his Marauders have tried to send him letters, which he is grateful for because he knows Mother would have been hysteric if she saw as much as a hint that he could have some contact from his Gryffindors blood-traitor, mudblood, friends.

Christmas is finally here. Sirius never had a good Christmas, he’s always been trapped here, no matter what. All the family is here, Uncle Cygnus, Aunt Druella, Andromeda – the only one that Sirius likes – , Bellatrix, and Narcissa.

Andromeda is ‘old’, she’s already twenty-three and she isn’t married yet, every project for her to be engaged has been short-circuited. Bellatrix is twenty-four and she is going to be married in June, after an engagement of three years with Rodolphus Lestrange.

Sirius is happy that Rodolphus is not here, he always adds a chill in Sirius’s body, he has that way of acting, always slightly deranged that makes an alert scream ‘Danger!’ at the back of Sirius’s head.

Before the dinner starts, Sirius drags Andy to his room, so that they can have a bit of time together. Sirius really needs some time alone from them, he really needs to go away from all of this.

“Still there?” She smiles sadly, and Sirius nods awkwardly.

“You too?”

“Not for long.”

Sirius can have a blank mask instead of a face a lot of the time, but whenever he’s with someone he trusts, that mask falls, and it must have happened right now, he must have let Andromeda see the way his heart has started to rush in panic, because, she won’t be there anymore?

“Oh, Siri, I’m sorry, but… I can’t anymore. You understand that? Right?”

Sirius nods dumbly.

“I wanted to leave too, but… Regulus…”

“I know, I’ve waited for Cissa to open here eyes for so long. You can’t save those that refused to admit they have to be.”

“It’s unfair. I can’t leave him here.”

He tries to look pouty instead of utterly destroyed at the idea of leaving Regulus behind. He knows that if Regulus doesn’t change his mind, he will be forced to leave without him, because he won’t survive much longer here, but his heart is already bleeding at that idea.

“It is.”

They say nothing for a long time, Andy just grabs his hand, and they stay here, mourning the one they love.

“How’s Teddy?”

“He’s called Ted, you prat.”

Sirius forces himself to laugh.

“He’s good, thanks. He’s going to be better once I leave. Once we’re together.”

“You won’t forget me, there?” Sirius hates to sound fragile, but he knows he does. He presses Andromeda hand a little bit more.

“How could I forget you? You’re my favourite cousin.” She smiles but she looks sad. They’re both sad.

“I’m going to miss you, Andy.”

“So do I, Siri…”

The dinner is long. His family is so stern, and without Uncle Alphard to put joy, it is worse than ever. Nobody talked about why Alphard wasn’t there, so Sirius didn’t either, even though he’s wondering why.

Alphard is the only other person that is nice. Sometimes, when they were younger, he succeeded in taking Regulus and him away from Grimmauld Place for a day, he took them to all those fun places. Sirius had his first ice cream with him, he visited his first zoo with him, he had his first children book, he offered them toys, not trying to constantly make them learn things, just having fun, like children should.

He’s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t directly register that people are talking, until Andromeda is screaming.

“I won’t marry someone you choose! I’m old enough to decide by myself!”

Her chair falls on the floor as she gets up, glaring in her father’s eyes.

“You’re our daughter! If you were a good child, you’d accept to make your parents proud!”

“I’m not a child, stop treating me like one. I can make my own fucking choices!”

Walburga slaps her with so much force that she almost falls on Bellatrix.

“You’re a shame for us. We have a child ready to be married that refused to be. You could be carrying children to allow the Black family to live, and you choose to waste that!” Screams Walburga, her eyes exorbited from fury.

“So that’s all I am? An oven for pureblood?”

“That’s the mission of the women of that family.” Cygnus’s face is cold, and his teeth grind. “We’re invaded by all those mudblood, we must fight against them.”

“We have to fight?”

Andromeda starts to laugh hysterically, and at that moment, she’s rather terrifying.

“Oh, you’re going to laugh too, Father.”

Sirius sees the fear on Cygnus’s face.

“Why?”

“Because I’m pregnant.”

So that’s where the expression pregnant pause comes from. Sirius understand because everything is still as glass right now.

“From a mudblood. A mudblood that I’m going to marry. A mudblood that I love.”

This slap comes from Bellatrix, which was least expected that Walburga.

“Slut!” Her pretty face is red from anger, she’s boiling, all her body is trembling. “Go out of this house. Right now. Or else, we’ll kill you.”

“Bella…”

“I’m not Bella to you! Get the fuck out, disappear! Now! No one ever wants to see you. Go now or I’ll kill you myself!” She screams higher and higher, until he can see the chandelier moves over them.

Sirius sees Andromeda’s heart breaks in her eyes, before she’s leaving, without a look for anyone other than Narcissa, who doesn’t look her way even for a second. She leaves, and everyone stays silent for so long that Sirius thinks for a moment that, maybe, the world has stopped.

“I don’t want to see anyone. Out. Now.”

Walburga doesn’t have to shout to be the most terrifying person Sirius has ever seen, he disappears in his room as quickly as he can.

After that, Walburga becomes more and more irascible. She has no mercy for Sirius and each moment of anger she has is reflected by a bruise on Sirius’s body, who can’t help but pray that it stays like that.

She can beat him all she wants, as long as it’s not one of her awful spells.

When she slaps him, Sirius is happy he’s here, because else, Regulus would be the one she’d hurt, but since she has her least favourite son under her hand, he can be the only one who’s hurt. It’s okay, he’s used to it.

The days pass, and Sirius counts them, he tries to put all of his anger somewhere where it can’t bother him, somewhere it won’t go out of him, so that Mother can’t hurt him more than she already does.

But if Sirius was someone able to hide his anger, they would have known, right?

She is talking about Andromeda that night. And she’s insulting her.

Saying things more awful by the minutes, and everyone stays silent because everyone fears her.

“Shut up.”

Sirius wasn’t expecting to say this out loud.

“I beg your pardon?”

It’s too late now, he sees the flame of rage in Mother’s eyes, and even if he retreats, it’s far too late.

“I said shut. Up. Stop talking about her.”

“Is that so? You think you have any weight against me?”

No.

“Yes. And I want you to stop talking about her. I want you to stop talking. Just that. Stop.”

“You’re going to regret this.”

“Fuck you! The day you’ll be burning in Hell, you will be the one regretting it.”

“For the moment, the only one who is going to be tortured is you.”

Is she going to lock him again?

Please. Let it be that.

“One day I’m going to kill you. I hate you. Everyone hates you! You’re a monster! There is not a single good bon-.”

He can’t talk anymore.

He’s not sure he will ever be able to.

He didn’t know that hurt that much.

He didn’t think that she was horrid enough to use a n unforgivable spell on her own son.

It stops and he realises he’s on his knees, tears on his cheeks, his throat burning from scream he hasn’t heard.

“Crucio!”

Sirius wishes he could be dead. His head is going to explode, his every nerves have became rivers of lava, burning him from the inside, he can’t move, he can’t do anything except hoping to die.

He can’t think, his mind is just screaming in unison with his body.

He can’t tell how long it lasts, if it starts again, if it never stops.

There is just a moment where he realises he’s lying on the floor, alone, left alone. He understands it has stopped, because else, Mother would be there. For a moment, even though he’s sure she’s not there, he thinks the spell must still be there because it hurts so much he can’t move without moaning in pain.

He sees the fire in the chimney, and all he can think about is being able to go to it, to be able to take the Floo Powder and to say the Potters address. He needs to go to them.

He tries to crawl there but it hurts, it hurts.

He starts crying, he’s so pathetic. He needs to leave. He can’t stay here, he needs to leave, he needs to leave, he needs to leave.

He can’t even think of Regulus, right now, it’s just a matter of death or life.

He needs to leave.

He’s starting to think he will never be able to move enough to go to the chimney when he hears the door of the living room opening. He stops moving. Maybe it’s Mother.

Maybe it will start again.

He needs to leave. He needs to leave. He needs to, he needs to, he need-

“Sirius?”

It’s Regulus.

He tries to answer, but he can’t get a word out.

Regulus finds him and through the dim light, Sirius can see his rimmed eyes.

“I’m sorry. I can’t leave.” So that’s all he has to say to Sirius.

At that, Sirius just starts to cry, he wishes he weren’t, because he’s not weak, but he can’t help it, he can’t stay here, but he’s forced to.

“You’re going to the Potters, Sirius.”

“N-no.”

“Will it work if I just say ‘Potters Manor’ for the Floo?”

He nods before he can think about it.

Regulus smiles weakly before leaning towards Sirius and picking him up from the floor.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s going to be pleasant.”

It is an understatement. Sirius bites back whines, because he knows they have to be discreet, even through his fogged mind he knows it. He snaps out of the world a moment, and when he comes back, he finds himself in front of the characteristic green fire, he hears Regulus, and then, he’s swirling across all the chimneys until he rolls on the carpet of the Potters.

Home.

Everything hurts.

He wakes up and he can just think of the pain.

“Sirius?”

Effie?

“You’re awake… Oh. You’re awake.”

Her voice is weak, and Sirius hurts even more because he’s probably the reason why she’s like this.

“Sirius, if you can’t answer me that’s okay, but if you can talk, can you tell me how much you hurt? Between one, being the lowest the pain can get, and ten, where the pain is the highest.”

Sirius tries to think. The spell was worse than that, he’s sure, but he still has the feelings that he can’t move. He’s surprised when he hears his voice.

“Eight?”

“My baby,” Sirius hears her choke on a sob, he doesn’t look at her because he doesn’t want to look at her being sad because of him.

“Here,” she hands him a vial, “it’s a pain reliever and a nerve regenerator, against the effect of… the curse. It’s probably going to make you sleep again.”

Perfect, Sirius wants to sleep, it’s too complicated to be there.

“Don’t touch it, your nerves are still sensitive.”

She puts the vial to his mouth, and he gulps it gratefully. He starts to fall asleep before he starts to hurt less.

Time passes in a blur, he doesn’t know if it happens in an hour or in a year, but finally, he wakes up, and moving seems something possible, something he wants to do. The contact with his sheet doesn’t make him grind his teeth with pain, his head doesn’t feel like it might explode any seconds.

“Effie?”

Every time he wakens up, she was there. She never left his side.

“You stayed here?” His voice is hoarse from all the time he spent without using it. From all the screams.

“Of course, Sirius. There was always one of us at your side.”

“How long?”

His throat hurts, his body feels like it has run three marathons.

“Three days since you arrived.”

Three days.

“I think I- I think I’m going to sleep.”

He turns to his side, and he stays here, eyes open, for hours. He thought crucio was just a physical curse, but his mind hurts so much now.

“I’m alright! I can go back to Hogwarts like everyone else. I’m fine Effie. Really.”

Euphemia looks at him with worry and she tutts a little when he’s insisting for the millionth time, that, really, he can go back to school. He doesn’t want anyone to ask why he isn’t there, what happened. After, everyone would be worried and that would be more than awful.

Sirius doesn’t want to talk about anything. He hasn’t talked about anything. He hasn’t told anyone how much the curse hurt him, how much he hoped he’d die from it with how much pain it had brought.

No.

He’s not telling anyone. Because he is. Just. Fine.

He acts like he doesn’t see the worried gazes of James, the many letters he sends to Remus and Peter to fill them in with how Sirius is going. He acts like he doesn’t see the way they stop talking when he enters a room.

He doesn’t want to think of how maladjusted to life he is.

“Sirius, I just want you to be the best you can before returning school. It’s better to miss a few days rather than going back and being overwhelmed.”

“I’m overwhelmed by nothing, thank you very much. I don’t need you to treat me like I can’t decide things.”

“Sirius. Don’t take your nerves out on me. That’s exactly why I want you to spend a few days with us. It would just be calm, and between us.”

“I’m going back to school. And the good day. I don’t need your permission.”

Euphemia sighs before shaking her head at Sirius.

“Sirius, I’m not your enemy here. If you want to go back, you’re free to do so. I was just worried for you.”

“Stop it. Stop worrying for me! All of you. Stop. Worrying. I’m fine. I am fine! I cope with this perfectly fine. I don’t need you all to usher me, I’m not a fragile little animal. Stop worrying, I hate that.”

“Ok. I’ll stop worrying. You can go back to Hogwarts. Just – I’m not worrying – if you’re ever not fine, this goes also for James, you go see a professor you trust and you ask them to contact us. Right? For anything. If it can’t wait for a letter, you ask a professor. That’s what real parents are for.”

Sirius doesn’t answer, he wants to be angry at Euphemia, but he can’t because he loves her so much. She smiles at him, before laughing a bit.

“Can I hug you?”

Sirius walks to her open arms and he just stays here, waiting for the cold in his bones to disappear. He almost wants to say yes to her proposition, but he has already left out Regulus, he has to go check on him. He has left him alone too long already.

So, he goes on the Hogwarts Express the good day, and he travels back to the castle. He tries not to wince once the travel ends, when his skin is too much to bear, all his nerves still bruised by the curse.

He sees Regulus, he looks fine. On the outside, at least. He wants to go talk to him, but he can’t find the courage. When he finally goes back to his dorm, his room, his bed, he thinks the hat was wrong that day, and that he’s not worth to be a Gryffindor, because he lacks bravery so much.

Sirius has broken down.

He doesn’t know how it had happened. He was there, in Defence Against the Dark Arts. He listened to the professor talking about dark curses, tortures, unforgivable spell. He was coping just fine. Because it didn’t matter, he had decided that he had forgotten his past, but apparently, it doesn’t work that way.

He was just fine and then he just left the class running, running until he found a room, no matter what room and he had started screaming his head off, hitting walls, feeling his knuckles crack on them. The pain anchoring him to the real world.

James had found him, and Sirius had almost hit him. James had calmed Sirius until he could hold him, and he did for so long, and Sirius had cried so much.

Sirius is crying so much.

“I’m so tired James.”

“I know. You always fight alone.”

“I don’t know how to do it any other way…”

“You’re not alone. Just… ask.”

“I can’t… I don’t know how to. I don’t know.”

He starts repeating the words, again and again, his sob becoming bigger and bigger with each repetition.

“I don’t know. I don’t know James… I don’t, I don’t…”

“Sh, sh, it’s okay Sirius, it’s okay. Cry. We’ll think later.”

James rocks him on the hard ground for an eternity, he shushes at him, he holds him. He holds him.

Sirius loves that. He loves being held. He adores that with all of his soul, but he never, ever, asks for it. He never asks for anything he really craves. He asks with dramatics things that don’t matter, but he never knows how to ask for the important things.  

He sees the room becoming darker and the grip of James never faltering in its intensity. His tears continue to flood him, but they are becoming fewer and fewer. Their stillness is disturbed by footsteps and the door opening to reveal Remus and Peter.

“We can leave if you need, but we thought we’d bring you two food, since you’ve missed two meals.”

Remus hands the food like a peace offering.

James checks Sirius’s eyes to know the good answer.

“You can stay.” Mumbles Sirius.

He needs them. He loves who he is when they’re only the four of them. He’s the best he can be like that. Remus smiles to him, a smile that has brighten over the course of the years, a realisation that always makes Sirius’s heart beats faster.

They stay like that, huddled together until the curfew is a late memory, and they sneak to their room far into the night, trying to avoid Filch, stifling laugh, because, God, Sirius wants to laugh. He wants life to be easy. To be happy.

When they’re back, they move all their mattresses to the floor, and they sleep like bears, limbs intertwined, breathes synchronised.

The next day, after hours of negotiation, James drags Sirius to McGonagall’s office.

“Hello, Professor. We’re here for Sirius. Due to what happened yesterday.”

“It’s great that you’re here misters, I was going to convoke the both of you. Can I hear your excuses?”

James chuckles at that.

“Can we sit?”

“You may.”

McGonagall has a smile on her lips as she sits too behind her desk. Sirius wants to be his usual self with her, to call her Minnie, and to flirt shamelessly, but he’s mad at James. He doesn’t need to be here.

He’s fine.

He’s not.

She opens her biscuit tin and proffers it to them.

James takes one but not Sirius. He’s not hungry. He just wants to leave. He’s going to have to be vulnerable in front of someone he admires. One more person.

“Thank you, Professor.”

He finishes to eat his biscuit before talking.

“So, I know you must think we missed classes because we were plotting something, which is not the case, since, besides, we never plot anything. But anyway, we were absent of classes because Sirius is… not well. Don’t look at me like that Sirius! F- damn, that’s more complicated than I thought.”

He sighs, and McGonagall listens politely.

“Take your time, Mr. Potter.”

“Alright, alright. Sorry. Erm. Well, Sirius skipped class yesterday because he had a kind of breakdown, and as any best friend should, I skipped class with him to help him get better. The thing is that he refuses to acknowledge that he’s not doing well.”

“That’s not true.” Sirius crosses his arms and he mumbles, because he’s mad, mad at James. And James is telling lies.

“See! That’s exactly that! Anyway, since my parents are basically his parents too, I wanted to know if they could come to Hogwarts via Floo, because, never mind what he tells you, he’s not coping at all right now, and he needs help.” He looks at McGonagall, only her, acting like Sirius doesn’t even exist.

Sirius exists.

“I’m right here, James!”

“Yeah, and you need help, but you refuse it! And I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to! I just want you to get better, Sirius.” He’s almost out of his seat, almost raising to shout his opinions.

“But I’m good! I don’t need any of you saving me!”

“But you do! you told me yesterday, you told me you didn’t know how to be helped, well, I’m doing it for you. That’s what brothers do.”

James stands in front of him.

“My brother hates me! You’re not my brother, you’re just trying to interfere in every aspect of my life!” Sirius gets up too, he doesn’t want to be the one in the vulnerable state.

He doesn’t know why he’s telling this. He knows that James is his brother, but he’s mad, and he’s hurting, and he should not be the only one. Unfortunately, when he sees the expected look of hurt in James’s eyes, his own pain just grows.

“Boys. Stop it.”

Her tone leaves no room for protestations.

“Sirius, excuse yourself to James. Now.”

“I have nothing to be sorry about.”

I’m sorry James. I’m your brother. Of course, I am.

“You’re saying mean things to James because you’re mad that he is getting you out of your comfort zone. Just say that you’re sorry.”

Sirius bites his lips, but finally, he murmurs a little “sorry”, because he is sorry, but he can’t admit it. Nothing in his head feels right.

“Right. Now that this is done, I agree with you, Mr. Potter. I think we should call your parents, Sirius.”

“N-no! not my parents. P-please, I w-will, I w-will be great.”

Shakes, shakes. He’s cold, his hands shake, he shakes.

“Don’t call his parents, Professor, please. Call mine.”

What would he be without James? He loves James so much.

“That’s what I was planning, you said they were his parents too. I’m sorry, I should’ve expressed myself better.”

“You’re not- you’re not calling them?”

Shaking, shaking. She’s not calling them. She looks sincerely sorry. He must stop shaking. He’s safe.

“No, I’m not. I’m going to floo the Potters, now. Stay with me, Mr. Black.”

He nods dumbly and sits again.

Stop shaking. Stop shaking.

You’re safe.

Once McGonagall’s head has disappeared, James crosses Sirius’s gaze.

“I’m sorry too Sirius. I’m not sorry for talking to Minnie, but I’m sorry that you’re mad at me. It was not my intention. I just want the best for you.”

I’m not mad. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I’m a shitty friend, a shitty brother.

James grabs his hands and Sirius waits, lost in his apologies that can’t find their ways to the outside world. And then, McGonagall remove her head from the chimney, and Euphemia exits it next, quickly followed by Fleamont.

Sirius can’t look at them, he feels his cheeks getting red.

“Sirius, this time there isn’t any discussion, you’re coming back home with us for a week. Now you have no excuses, you’re sure that Regulus is okay”, she knew? Euphemia is just so… “and right now, you’re the one who needs to be taken care of. Professor McGonagall has already agreed to letting you skip the week, so it is all settled, you just need to pack a bag, and we’re ready to leave.”

She ends her speech with a sense of resolution, before taking quick strides and hugging Sirius. It’s a mum hug. Euphemia is the only person that’s ever given him mum hugs. He felt like Christopher Colombus the day he discovered them.

“Go pack your bag, we’re waiting for you.”

James starts to follow him, but he’s stopped by his father.

“James? Stay with us, please? We’d like to talk to you too, if you’re okay.”

James’s grin enlightens the whole room once Sirius tells him that it’s okay.

Sirius only has to walk a little before entering their shared dorm. He thoughts he would be alone, but Remus is here, reading on his bed, his long body stretched on his bed. Sirius hears himself gulps audibly, but then, he can’t even breath because Remus is looking at him, his caramel eyes set straight in Sirius’s own.

He doesn’t know why he feels like that anytime he sees Remus. After all, James is his best friend, but he’s always as normal as can be with him.

“Hi…” the word sounds foreign in his mouth.

“I thought you were with McGonagall.”

Remus sits and closes his book. He lets a finger in, so that he doesn’t lose his pages. Sirius can’t detach his eyes from his hand.

“I was. I’m spending the week with the Potters. I’m skipping class.”

Why is it so awkward between them all of a sudden?

“Really? Enjoy. You deserve it.”

He doesn’t deserve it, but it’s not here nor there.

“Thanks.”

Remus coughs a little. Sirius gulps again.

“I must, erm, make my bag. That’s why I’m here. Y’ know.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Want help?”

“It’s okay, don’t worry. I’m… all good. Really.”

“Ah, ah! Okay.”

Silence.

Oh gosh, why Peter isn’t there?

“So! I’m doing my bag.”

Remus acts like he’s reading, Sirius tries as much as he can to concentrate on putting anything he needs for the week, but he can’t help looking at Remus.

His curls, his tanned skin. So pretty.

“I’ve finished. I’m… going.”

“Oh, yeah. Erm, see you next week. Rest well. Promise?”

Sirius’s breath hitch.

“Promise? Y-yeah. I promise.” He’s going to keep that promise. He promised Remus, precious Remus. Of course, he’s going to keep his promise.

“Great… that’s great.” Oh, that smile…

“So… see you.” Sirius’s smile is stiff, and he lets his hand on the door handle, because he wants to leave but he feels like he shouldn’t leave now.

Silence, again.

“W-wait! Take one of my jumpers before you leave! Yours are not good, they’re not good jumpers. Take one of mine.”

He leaves his book on his bed, without looking at the pages and he starts rumbling in his messy bags before triumphally handing a jumper. It’s one of Sirius’s favourite. A dark red jumper with flowers knitted at the elbows of the sleeves and dispatched everywhere else on the jumper.

“Thanks.”

“It’s normal…”

Remus blushes a little, something Sirius shouldn’t have noticed because it’s really faint, but he looks too much at Remus.

He walks towards Sirius, who opens his arms to grab the jumper and Remus settles inside them for a hug instead, as if it’s the most natural thing ever.

That was not expected. He accepts it nonetheless, and he tightens his arms around Remus. Remus is so big, but in his arms, Sirius feels like he has the perfect height. The hug is perfect. Even if Remus is lanky, he’s soft to hug, and he has that smell that makes Sirius dizzy, while making him want to buy a bottle of it and spray it on every available surface.

Something perfectly normal.

Remus’s smile when he finally let go of Sirius makes Sirius swoons.

“Bye! Let the Potters spoil you a bit this week, right?”

“Alright. I’m going to miss you.”

They both look at the ground for a few seconds, a bit red in the cheeks.

“Tell Pete goodbye for me?”

“I will, go away now, don’t make them wait too much.”

Remus pushes him away, after having given him his jumper. He waves at Sirius who exits the dorm with a swollen heart. He kind of want to always be with Remus.

Though, he also more than kind-of-want to spend the week with the Potters.

Sirius doesn’t think he’s ever been that lavished with sweet, kind, and undemanding love before. It should feel choking, instead, it feels like a warm blanket is put over him and keeps him at the perfect temperature at all times.

Euphemia and Fleamont both took their week so that they could stay with Sirius.

He doesn’t understand.

He hasn’t talked with them – like talking, the big serious Talk, with a capital T – so he hasn’t asked them that: why?

He doesn’t understand. He’s nothing special. He’s a mess of a boy, he’s always causing troubles, and here they are, spending all of their times with him. Hugging him at all times. They put him to bed. Sirius loves that – he’s not going to admit it – and at the same time, it’s so absurd, nobody has ever put him to bed like that, even when he was an infant.

They’re here. They spend their meals together, they talk, they laugh, and Sirius almost feels like he’s really their son. And the more time he spends with them, the more he envies James. It isn’t an ugly feeling – it doesn’t feel like it –, it’s a crushing feeling. He realises how much he missed the good things life has to offer, he realises how lucky James has been and he doesn’t know if he wants to laugh, or cry, or punch wall at how sad knowing this kind of life exists makes him.

It's been five days when they Talk. Five carefree days.

It’s the evening, Sirius is nestled into Euphemia’s arms, nestled inside Remus’s jumper, and on his other side, there is Fleamont, his arm around his wife’s back. They’re like a family.

“Sirius, sweetheart, I know you’re here to rest, and feel better, but I think we should talk about… a lot of things.”

Sirius feels his whole body stiffens. He doesn’t want to talk.

“It’s fine Effie, really. I’m… over it.”

“Sweetie… Monty and I have talked about this, and we wished to talk about it with you. Can you accept to listen to me before refusing to talk?”

She waits until Sirius mumbles a quiet ‘yes’.

“Thank you, Sirius.” She strokes his hair gently, a gesture that makes Sirius melts a little in her embrace, “so, I know you don’t want to talk about the things that happened to you, and we understand. We understand that you might think that not talking about it is going to make things lighter, because you will ‘forget’ them, and I wish it could be true… unfortunately, feelings and traumas don’t work that way. It even works the other way. It is like… if you’re putting water in a bottle. The bottle can only contain so much, right? But you continue to pour, and pour, and since you don’t want to acknowledge that it has a limit, you decide to stop looking at it. It doesn’t matter that you don’t acknowledge the fact that it is overflowing, it is. And at a moment, there will be consequences. You get what I mean?”

“Yeah, but, I’m not- I’m not overflowing. I told you. I’m fine.”

“Sirius, we don’t want to hurt you, but by continuing to act like this, you’re going to keep hurting yourself, and it will just get worse, until it will be unbearable.”

“It hurts so much to think about it.”

Sirius feels tears pooling on the corner of his eyes. Once again. Truly pathetic. He feels Euphemia and Monty shifting closer to him and Effie’s lips on the top of his head.

“Don’t let it rot in your mind.”

Sirius clutches at Euphemia’s shirt, he tries to untangle every feeling, every memory flooding his mind.

“Why?”

“What do you mean?” Euphemia asks in a sweet tone, Monty’s hand still stroking his hair.

“Why do you act like you love me?”

He sees the hurt in Effie’s eyes, and he can’t decide if it’s because he guessed things right or… he doesn’t know.

“Sirius, we don’t… we don’t act. We love you. It’s the truth. I know you don’t see it, but you’re a wonderful person. You’re perfect.”

“I’m not. I’m not. It’s useless to lie, why do you love me? How can you love me? I’m broken, my mind is just so fucked up? How?”

“You know,” Fleamont starts talking, “finding a person perfect doesn’t mean that we can’t see the flaws that they have, the problems they face. Being perfect is just… making the other happy, being perfect is loving someone so much that the flaws are insignificant against all the love the person brings the other.”

“B-but I don’t- I don’t make you happy, do I? You’re always worrying for me. You had to stop working for me, because I’m such a mess I can’t even follow my classes.”

“The situation makes us unhappy, you’re right. We don’t like seeing you this way – we obviously don’t put the blame on you, we know it’s not your fault – but all in all, we’re so happy to know you. Monty and I always wanted a big family, and this couldn’t happen, and I couldn’t dream of having better children than you and James are. Sirius, you’re extraordinary. You’ve lived awful things, and you’re such a good person.”

“I’m not a good person. I’m awful.”

“And why do you think you are an awful person?”

“I’m so selfish! I always think of how I’m going, and I make people around me sad, and I can’t get better, and everyone looks at me with sad eyes and I can’t bear it and I have so much sex and I still feel empty, and I’ve said awful things to James, and I’m mad when people take care of me, and! And…” Sirius is panting, not looking at them, he doesn’t want to see their looks, he doesn’t want to disappoint them more.

“That doesn’t make you an awful person Sirius.” Euphemia’s tone is sickeningly sweet, sickeningly because Sirius doesn’t believe her.

“You’re just human, of course you think of how you’re doing,” continues Fleamont, “you’re probably going through things that 90% of your fellows will ever experience. So yeah, you can think about yourself, you’re allowed to. And you’re allowed to talk about your problems with the people that care for you and that want to help you. It’s not being selfish. It is not.”

“And you are allowed to not want people to treat you like you were more fragile, but since you don’t talk about your problems, they don’t know how to act around you.” Euphemia strokes his cheek lightly, he is surrounded by love, and it feels good, but it also worries Sirius, because it will hurt so much when it is going to be gone.

“But if I told them, they are going to look at me with so much more pity! I can’t- I know what I’ve lived is not normal, and I don’t want them to realise it’s worse than they thought.”

“Maybe, but it will only last a bit, if you talk about your problems, then you can move past them, because you understand what you can do to live with them, to accept your past.”

“Just let that sink in, Sirius, you don’t have to do anything for us to love you. Parental love is just like that, it exists, there is no consideration. We love you no matter what because you’re our son and we just want the better for you.” Fleamont sounds convincing, but Sirius just can’t believe him. It sounds too good to be true. And they’re not his real parents.

“I’m not really your son. What if one day you decide you have enough of me? You could just,” he snaps his fingers, his other hand still clutching Euphemia’s shirt, “and then, I would have nothing anymore. I can’t… get used to it if it can all be taken back that quickly.”

“What if we talk about that more later?” suggests Effie, “How about the other things you told us? You said you told James mean things, what was it?”

“You won’t be mad?”

“We won’t, we promise.”

“He… he’s the one who wanted to talk to Min- to McGonagall, and he said he wanted to help, that it was what brothers did, and- and I told him that. That he wasn’t my brother. That he was just trying to control my life. And that’s awful because it’s not true! But I couldn’t say it once I told him all those awful things, it was- I couldn’t. That’s awful because he’s my brother! He is, but I was just… he was saying Minnie so that she could told you, and I was mad at him.”

“I think James will forgive you. You’re his best friend, and he loves you like a brother, even if he’s a bit mad, he will come around. If he’s too long, we’ll talk him to his right mind. Just stop worrying about that, take that one worry of your mind. You’ll just really apologize to him once you see him and tell him anger was driving you.”

“A-alright.”

“You- you talked about sex, too. Do you want to… talk about it more?”

Sirius’s cheeks warm at an alarming quick speed.

“Erm… it was just ramble. It’s not. I mean, you know… it’s fine. Really.”

“I don’t want to sound mean sweetheart, but when you say things like that, I don’t really believe you. And rest assured, if we talk about sex, we’re not going to give you THE sex talk, today is for feelings.”

“I’m not sure I’m reassured,” laughs Sirius, still embarrassed.

“I understand. Do you want a cup of tea, we’ve already took you out of your comfort zone, a good way, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, ok. I would like a cup of tea. That would be great.”

They untangle themselves from the knot they’ve formed, and Sirius keep himself anchored to his jumper, just wanting them back. Wanting their warmth again.

“I’m going to make it! Don’t move!” Sirius scrambles out of the couch and starts going to the kitchen, until Fleamont arrives and pushes him near his wife, with an amused scowl.

“Sirius, you stay here. You’re not supposed to do anything this week. You’re here to rest, and feel better, and we’re already make you talk about your feelings tonight, so you’re not doing anything else. I’m coming back.”

Sirius chuckles at that.

“You’re far too nice to me.”

He knows it’s not a context where you’re supposed to laugh, but he can’t help it. He starts laughing, until he feels tears at the corner of his eyes, but for once he doesn’t mind. He can’t really breath, and his whole belly hurts, he laughs, and he knows there is no reason for it, but he can’t stop. He hears Effie and Monty laughing behind him, surely pushed by his own hilarity.

When he finally stops, he has fell into Euphemia’s shoulder, and he’s panting, he feels the tears wetting his cheeks, he doesn’t mind. It had felt good.

“You better?” asks Euphemia while kissing his neck.

“Yeah, sorry, I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s just the pressure falling a bit. While you were laughing, your cup got ready, it should be perfect now.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

Sirius takes a sip of his tea.

Before coughing. Loudly.

“It wasn’t! I didn’t, I- I wasn’t!”

“Sirius, Sirius! It’s okay! We already told you, we’re more than okay if you want to call us mum and dad.”

Fleamont carefully takes the cup back before pressing Sirius to his heart.

“You don’t have to say it again if you don’t want to, but you never have to apologise for saying it.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“Shush. Don’t say sorry.” Fleamont let go of him and Sirius sits back, still slightly flushed.

“Exc- ok.” They all chuckle at that, and Sirius feels the rhythm of his heart decelerates.

“So… can we talk a bit about the sex part of your ramble?”

Euphemia picks his cup back and Sirius starts fidgeting with it a bit.

“Ahah… yes? I guess. We can.”

“Told us what you want first.”

“It’s rather ridiculous.”

“I’m sure it’s not as much as you think it is.”

“Well, I just, I-,” he didn’t plan on telling anyone that he craved contact, he doesn’t know how to say it so that it doesn’t seem weird, “I really like when people touch- not! Not like that, like innocent touch, I mean, I like sex too, but that’s more, erm, I don’t know, first I’m not necessarily searching for that, like first I’m searching for innocent touch! Like hug, I like hugs! And so, yeah, I really like hug, but you know, it’s embarrassing to say that you want a hug, it’s like, weak. Or girly. You know? And I’m like, Sirius Black, and so… so I don’t ask for hug. Instead, I- I flirt. With girls. A lot. And then I had sex with one of her. And I’m not doing that only for the sex – like you know, it’s good but – but I just like… I just like, people. I like hugs. And since I can’t demand people to innocent touch me, I just fuck, because it’s easier. And then you can have a kind of hug since you know, it’s not bad when it’s sex. It’s virile, it’s manly. And while it’s good, it’s not… good. In the long term. Because then, yeah, during it, it’s fucking great, I’ve got hugs, and contact, and I feel better, but then, it’s just the end, and I know it meant nothing. You know?”

His cup is twirling in his hands, he’s fidgety, he can’t look at them, and his heart is beating so furiously that Sirius wants to check it’s not beating out of his chest.

“That… was a lot to take in.” sighs Euphemia. “Well, I can’t say that I know, no, sorry, but I can try to understand. Sweetie, why don’t you just say that you want to be hugged?”

“That’s awfully embarrassing! What, I’m going to go see my friends and just ask if I can have a hug? That’s ridiculous! Even the girls stopped doing that now. I’m not an infant. I don’t need to be sheltered. How can I be taken seriously if I just run to my friends’ arms like a toddler?”

“Maybe you’re not forced to do it when there’s people around. Maybe you can do it only when James, Peter and Remus are here? They won’t judge you, right?”

At the mention of Remus, Sirius’s ears turn in what he can only guess is a lovely shade of red.

“N-no. I don’t think they would. Well, they would maybe tease me a bit, but… but they’re not mean. It’s just… it’s still embarrassing to talk about it.”

“It is only if you decide it will, if you know your Gryffindors will be okay with it.”

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Of course, real Mums are always right.”

Sirius laughs, because five years ago, he didn’t know parents could be like that. He thought they only were like his own. Cold, cruel, and now he’s here, with those wonderful people, making sure he’s always good, those warm, friendly people that are doing anything to prove him they really want to be his parents, and he still can’t fully believe them.

“And – I’m not doing the sex talk – please, protect yourself when you’re having sex, I’m not ready to be a grand-mother yet. Promise?”

Sirius hums, not very able to form words with how embarrassed he is.

They finish their teas in comfortable silence, and Sirius is grateful that they’re not forcing him to talk some more, because it was already a lot, and he’s happy that he could talk with them. There is something in him that seems like it is finally breathing.

Finally, they tuck him to bed, Euphemia presses a kiss on his forehead, Fleamont kisses his cheek. Fleamont leaves, and Effie just stays by his side, caressing his hair, lightly.

“It hurt.”

Euphemia’s hand stills above his head.

“The curse. I never thought it was possible to hurt like this. And I wish I could forget. Some nights I wake up and I need a minute to remember that the pain isn’t there anymore. That I’m okay.”

He can’t stop himself from talking, he didn’t want to talk about this. Not now, not ever.

“I always feel like she’s going to fetch me back. Because I’m hers. I’m always sure she’s going to come back and take me back there. But she can’t. She can’t?”

“No, she can’t. I will never allow it. You hear me. You’re never going back there. I won’t let you go once again, if you ever try to, I’m the one who’s going to fetch you, and not even this devil excuse of a mother will be able to stop me. You’re my son, and she will never hurt you anymore.”

“Regulus is… he’s still there, but I can’t help him. He refuses to let me help him.” He bites his lips. Always Regulus. He’s so helpless when things concern Regulus.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t change the world. Can’t change the past.”

“You’re doing so much already. I didn’t even think you were human the first time I met you. You’re perfect.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

She goes to bed with him, and Sirius falls asleep in her embrace.

His Marauders are all sitting in their dorm, waiting for Sirius to talk.

“Fuck, I knew this was going to be the most embarrassing shit ever. I should not have listened to Effie, I’m sorry. Go on with your life.”

The other three frown at him but James is the first to talk.

“No, no, no! you’re supposed to talk to us about something you discussed with our mum, I want to know what it is! if she told us to tell it to us, it’s that it is important. I’m keeping you here until you talk!”

Sirius hides his face in his hand. James is truly ridiculous. He is but Sirius loves him. He apologised the second he saw him. Honestly, going to the Potters for a week was the best thing ever, he never felt that light in his whole life.

“So?” asks Peter, a little pout on his face.

“So… I… Irelylikhugs…”

“Sirius, we love you, we do, but darling, you’re making no sense.” James pats Sirius’s shoulder dramatically. “I promise whatever you’re saying, we will all try our best not to tease you, ok?”

“I- I like hugs.”

Really? What is that introduction?

“Erm. Well. That was weirdly not at all what I was expecting.”

James eyes frown behind his thick glasses. On the corner of his vision, Sirius can see Peter and Remus’s intrigued faces.

“But, uh, good for you mate?” James offers him a vague smile, a little laugh escaping him. Sirius can’t be mad, the situation is really fucking absurd.

“No! that’s not- fuck. It’s like sometimes I really want contact. Human contact. Like feeling a human next to me. And hugs are just… the best. You know?”

He looks around the room, searching for support. The three seem to take the time to think about it.

“Alright.” Finally says James, “I get it. Kinda. But why are you telling us this?”

“Well, I can’t go around and ask for hugs, now, can I?”

Why can’t they get it? It’s sufficiently embarrassing to talk about.

“That’s sure that it is kinda weird.” Peter agrees on his left. Sirius nods, happy to have support.

“So, the thing is I’m telling you, because you’re my best friends, and, maybe you can… you can hug me? When I’m feeling bad! Like not always, but just, sometimes, when it’s really not good.”

Sirius is really hot in the face. It’s particularly annoying, he’s Sirius Black for fuck’s sake. He has some pride.

“So that’s all it is about?” He can see that James wants to laugh, James’s laugh is always contagious, so he hopes he won’t start doing it, because then, they will all start and it is a serious conversation. “Of course, we can hug you, Sirius.”

Sirius wants to sigh of relief, but he can’t because just after saying this, James jumps on Sirius and he wrestles with him a bit before landing on top of Sirius and resting his head on his chest.

“You’re comfortable. I guess I’m okay to hug you. Wanna come too, guys?”

They shout enthusiastic yes and suddenly, they’re all around Sirius – who James has let sit – hugging him.

“Thank you. Really.”

He loves them so much.

Sirius is on his bed, reading a book, it’s been a week since he’s back from his pause at the Potters, and he feels… better. A lot better.

 Having talked with his Marauders have made him feel better. James spends his time sticked to him, an arm around his shoulder, whining that he wants to sit on his laps, acting like he’s the one who wants the contact, so that Sirius can have it and not have to be the vulnerable one.

Ah, James…

Sirius smiles in front of his book – don’t let anyone know that he reads in his free time! It would ruin his bad boy image – thinking about his best friend. From that he thinks of his other best friends. Of Remus.

He lowers his nose to the collars of his jumper, well, Remus’s one. That’s why he’s doing it in the first place. He wants to smell the remnants of Remus on that jumper. He’s been sleeping with it since Remus gave it. He doesn’t really know why. He just really loves this jumper, and Remus’s smell calms him. It’s not that weird, is it?

He’s still sniffing it when the door opens, and he’s feels so caught in something bad that he almost falls of his bed, his book definitely tripping on the floor. Remus is on the doorway, biting his lips to stifle his – justified – laughter.

“You alright, Sirius?”

“I’m fine! Perfect. Sorry, was really focused on- on the story. You surprised me. That’s all.”

Remus nods, his lips still quirking up in an amused smile.

“Still wearing my jumper, are ya?”

“He’s nice. All fluffy and soft. I like it.”

“You look nice in it.”

“You- you think?”

Laughter leaves Remus’s face, who bites his lips and whose ears get a lovely shade of pink.

“I do. If you want to… keep it, you can.”

“You- you give it to me? Oh. That’s nice. Thank you. Very much. It’s my favourite jumper of you.”

“I really like it too. But I like it better on you.”

Sirius can’t help the grin that spreads on his face. His belly is fluttering with those shitty little butterflies. He looks at Remus before him, his tall and lanky body covered by scars, his sparkling caramel eyes, the freckles you can see on his cheeks, the crooked teeth by the right of his smile, his fidgeting, his nerdy habits.

Sirius really likes Remus.

He has talked about him with Effie and Monty. He remembers their words.

After the Talk, Sirius wanted to talk some more, and without understanding how it got out of him, it did. He told about the stupid belly flutters, how he didn’t understand, because he’s his best friend, and with James and Peter it doesn’t do that. At all. But with Remus, it happens every single time.

Monty and Effie had looked awe struck. They talked about things quietly, things like love. How love made them feel when it happened to them. How, sometimes, love isn’t just for a boy and girl, but sometimes, two girls can too, two boys can too, and that it’s okay. More than okay.

That it is normal.

Sirius didn’t know, but they never lied to him – he doesn’t think so – so he decided to believe them. He decided that maybe the flutters could be good. That he could make the choice to find them great.

“Thank you Moony. I like it, it smells like you.”

Remus doesn’t answer because he’s suddenly sputtering, and maybe Sirius read the signals wrong? Maybe Remus isn’t interested in him at all?

“Moony? Are you okay?”

He jumps to his feet, his hand on the back of Remus, checking if he’s physically alright.

“I’m good. I’m, erm, all good.”

Their gazes cross, Remus is flushed, Sirius is too. He doesn’t know what is going through his head when he talks again.

“Maybe… maybe you could get back this sweater and, and lend me another?”

“I could, if you’d like. Y-you would like that, don’t you?” Remus’s tone is nervous. Sirius doesn’t like nervous. He wants Remus to stop being nervous.

“I think I would.”

Sirius smiles at him, the smile he uses to make people swoon. Remus blushes and he starts moving, but Sirius grabs his hand before he can leave.

“Can you hug me? Please?”

Remus nods vigorously and they hug. It’s always so good with Remus. They’re the perfect size for each other. Sirius’s butterflies are so excited they’re battling their way up to his throat.

“I don’t only really like your smell. I also just really like you.”

Sirius’s voice is a little muffled, quiet against Remus’s chest, loud enough for him to hear, quiet enough that if he decides he doesn’t want to listen, he can.

“You do?” Remus doesn’t feel sure. Remus rarely does when people told him they like him. Sirius wants to take his confidence and to patiently sew back all of the parts of it before knitting it forever on Remus’s heart.

Gosh. He’s sappy.

“I do.”

“I really like you too, Sirius.”

Sirius feels a shiver down his spine. Remus’s voice is so… so…

“Can you say my name again?”

“Sirius?”

He can’t believe he has Remus in his arms – well, it’s more the other way around, but it doesn’t matter – how can someone like him possibly be interested by someone like… him.

“You really like me?”

“I do, but… maybe we should talk about it?”

Sirius is tired of talking. He just wants to enjoy it a bit.

“I don’t want to move. Please. Wait a bit.”

Remus is one side of the bed, Sirius on the other. They look at each other.

They don’t talk.

They’re here to talk.

“Oh Merlin, I’m so nervous, I’m sorry…” laughs nervously Remus. “I don’t want to be nervous… I’ve been wanting this to be perfect for so l- “

“For so long? For how long?”

“Well, for… a few… months. Like. Since, erm, the beginning of fourth year.”

Remus’s blush when he says that is the most adorable thing ever.

“I’ve been so oblivious!”

Sirius laughs at his own idiocy, and at the obvious embarrassment of Remus.

“Yes, well, I also tried to be discreet, thank you very much.” Remus frowns, a little pouty. Sirius wonders how he has been able to not realise how much he liked him. He’s been so scared of everything involving feelings. Involving forbidden feelings. He’s still really scared, but he’s so tired of it.

“I mean, either way you really were, either way I was really blind. Might be a bit of the two.”

“Nah, I’ve been really discreet.”

Cheeky Remus, that’s one of Sirius favourites. Sirius has classified every mood, every expression of Remus in his head, and he can tell how much he likes each one with a detailed review of each. Maybe that’s excessive, but when Sirius does something, he always does it with all his heart.

“Remus, you’re not discreet, you’re clumsy as hell, and you’re unable to properly lie. I think you’re lucky I’ve been a bit blind.”

“Okay, maybe I’ve been,” he shakes his head, as if he’s annoyed, but Sirius knows him well enough to know he’s not.

“So… you like me?” Remus nods, “and I like you. In this kind of scenario, people often… kiss?”

Sirius is not shy with sexuality, he likes to flirt, it’s honestly a fun thing to do, but right now, the very idea of kissing Remus makes him blush like a teenage girl.

“Oh.”

“Can I? do you want to kiss me?”

“Yes!”

Sirius’s heart is beating, faster and faster. His breathing is quicker too.

“You… have you ever kissed someone?”

“I did. Twice.”

“So, there’s no stress. We both know how to do it.”

“We do.”

They stay silent, Sirius can’t keep his gaze out of Remus’s lips.

“Oh, fuck it. Come here Sirius. I want to kiss me, I want to kiss you, we have to stop acting like we’re the first one to experience this! Just kiss me, please!”

Sirius should laugh, he loves Moony like this, but, he finds out that he can’t, because the idea of kissing Remus very much doesn’t bring laughter in his veins but a very different feeling. A hot rushing feeling, and he can’t do anything other than agree with him.

Sirius crawls a bit towards Remus until their noses are almost bumping against each other. He feels Remus’s breathe, light, on his lips. He brings his hand to Remus’s cheek, he cups it, slowly. Lovingly. And he brings his right hand to Remus’s waist, holding him securely, bringing a bit closer to him.

“Kiss me, please…” murmurs Remus, a plea so reverent that Sirius can do nothing else but to fill it.

His lips are against Remus’s. They’re soft, he feels the scar left on them years ago, and it feels just like Remus is, someone soft, who should never have to change, but who has been messed up by life. Sirius is here now; he wants to protect him. He wants to not let him suffer anymore.

They kiss, they kiss, it’s perfect. It’s like them, it’s beautiful, at least in Sirius’s mind, and that is more than enough for him. They’re enough, and he just wants to kiss him forever.

That night, Remus comes to his bed, and they fall asleep in each other arms, and Sirius can’t remember ever sleeping that good in his life.

“The OWLs are oveeeer!” James screams loudly, running to the Great Lake, quickly followed by his best friends. They’re all running because they all promised they’d go and take a swim in the Great Lake if they survived their exams.

They quickly undress and the four of them jump in the water. Sirius doesn’t get too far because no one ever taught him how to swim. He doesn’t let this stop him and he splashes water at his friends, laughing in the summer day.

His Marauders are happy, and he is happy. He has never been this happy, actually.

He’s with Remus. They’re together, like, a couple. They haven’t told the rest of the school, but for the moment, they don’t need anyone else but the Marauders to know.

He’s coming back to the Potters for the summer, and he tries not to think of Regulus, that he can bring with him. He has tried to talk to him, but Regulus doesn’t let him do it. He can’t save him, and it breaks his heart. Despite everything, Sirius needs to continue advancing, he’s been stuck long enough.

Tomorrow evening, he will be with the Potters, and he will be happy. For the very first time he wants to be awfully selfish and care about him.

So, he comes home to the Potters, and he enjoys the hugs, and he doesn’t think about all the bad things. Maybe the Potters tell the truth and that they really like him like a son.

He has doubts, but it’s okay.

He has doubts, until they leave him no other choices but to believe them because, one morning, a week after their return, Sirius wakes up, and instead of a breakfast, at his usual place at the table, there is a bunch of papers.

Adoption papers.

Sirius would like to say that he hasn’t cried, but even great bad boy Sirius Black – Sirius Potter – couldn’t hold his tears when his parents nodded at him, confirming him that, yes, if he wanted, Sirius was going to be their son.

Oh no, love, you're not alone.