Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I’m outside.

Elliot had to read the text three times before it snuck in that she was outside. That she’d appeared outside his loft without invitation. They had been working on things slowly and in between cases, personal issues and other pressing matters. Nothing had really been spoken about in person, most of it had been over text or spliced into phone calls during sunrise or sunset. There was one odd evening where they’d spent a good hour on face time but other than that, it had been strictly through a screen. Both of them were seeing therapists and working through their own issues while working through the issues surrounding their relationship.

He approached and opened the front door with his phone in hand but his face fell when the corridor was empty. The panic that rocketed through his system made him feel sick but there was a niggling voice in the back of his head that was telling him to check the other door. Well, not a door, but a gate. The patio gate.

Mama had been on at him to tidy up the patio which he did…eventually. It was a nice little space and her veg were starting to sprout nicely. The new table and chairs were still dumped in storage so the nice old plastic chairs and wobbly table had to do. For now. He kicked the front door shut and rushed to the glass patio door. It was chilly outside but bearable to sit in. The automatic light was flickering on and off as Olivia rocked back on her heels. He wondered how her ankle was coping with the chill. It was no secret that an injury like that would still ache even after it had healed especially with pins in it.

They shared a small smile as he unlocked the gate and let her in. What he had failed to notice was the small takeout bag in her left hand. She slipped through the opening and headed straight to the plastic chairs. He let the gate close and followed behind her. In sync, like always. Once they were both seated, as comfortable as one could be in these old chairs, Olivia dipped her hands into the bag and pulled out two steaming take-out mugs.

“Coffee or tea?” Elliot asked, nodding his head towards her cup.

“Tea, only because it’s late and I’ve already exceeded my daily coffee limit,” Olivia’s reply was soft and airy.

“Have you eaten today?” knowing her, she would have only snacked and had a light lunch.

She shot him a look as if to say “you already know the answer to that” and within seconds he disappeared back into the loft. Sighing, she tipped her head back for a few seconds and waited for El to return with whatever leftovers he could heat up. Now that he had mentioned it, she was hungry but she wasn’t sure how much she would be able to manage with the conversation that she had planned to have with him.

Elliot returned with a steaming plate of mashed potatoes and onion gravy. “Wasn’t sure if you wanted sausages or turkey?”

“I’m good. This is great. But uh, I didn’t exactly come here for dinner. I wanted to talk,” Olivia replied, moving the bag onto the concrete and readjusting herself in the chair.

He didn’t seem phased by her statement as he placed the plate in front of her and took his previous position. The smell of the food was enticing enough to make her pick up the fork and sink it into the fluffy mash. The gravy smelt divine and the hum she let out when the mash landed on her tongue, made him chuckle.

Deciding the eat rather than talk was a good plan until she finished the plate without even realising that she’d worked through the mash mountain. Elliot went to take the empty plate but she stopped him. Her fingers wrapping around his wrist in a silent gesture.

"I, uh..." she paused and took a deep breath. 

He opened his mouth to say something but decided against it, giving her time to prepare herself for whatever she wanted to say. 

Clearing her throat, she attempted to continue, "I need to tell you something but I didn't think about how I was going to do this." 

"Liv, whatever it is, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Take your time"

“We’ve never really been ready to discuss what happened while you were go-- away but I’m ready to attempt to tell my side. It’s not going to be easy for both of us. Never in a million years did I ever expect to have this conversation. Part of me did wonder if the news ever reached you but it clearly didn’t and I’m not sure if I’m relieved about that or if it’s going to bring up even more questions.” Internally, she cursed herself for rambling and putting off the inevitable but it’s not every day that you have to tell the one constant in your life that you went through two of the most traumatic events of your life in a short space of time and you had naively wished that they’d been there to help.

Elliot watched Olivia closely, looking for any signs of distress, but all he found was her little nervous tick of fidgeting with something and this something was the button on her coat. She couldn’t make eye contact with him but she knew he was there. But deep down, she was fucking terrified of how he was going to react. One thing she knew is that he wouldn’t blame her for any of it. But would he blame himself?

“It started out as a flasher case in February twenty thirteen. This guy flashed himself at two tourists in Central Park and was caught by a sixty-year-old woman, Alice, I think. Rollins was already in the park and arrested him.  There were complications identifying him as he’d burnt his fingerprints off and he had no physical identification markers. No one could verify his identity. No family. No friends. No one from the halfway house wanted to cross this guy.”

“Classic red flags.” Elliot chimed in, keeping his expression as neutral as possible but internally, he had a feeling that this wasn’t even scratching the surface of what this man had been capable of.

Liv nodded and carried on, “He lied to us throughout the entire interrogation and was arraigned for public lewdness. Barba offered him a deal which he declined while screwing his attorney. We had to release him as we charged him with a Class B misdemeanour. From this point, it gets fucked up-”

The pair shift in their respective seats and El so wants to suggest that they move inside but he wonders if the chilliness of the night air is keeping her grounded. He watches her tug on the button and cross then uncross her legs. She briefly looks up but not at him. Her gaze drifts over to Ma’s vegetable patch. Mentally, making a note of what she can see. He knows the technique well and offers no judgement even though she isn’t looking at him but she can sense his reassurance and his patience. Always so in sync.

“The bastard tracked the witness, Alice, down, raped and tortured her at gunpoint for eighteen straight hours. Cragen unknowingly interrupted to tell her that she had to testify at the trial but she waved him away like nothing was happening. When we found her, she was rushed to the hospital and Le- He was the prime suspect. Fin and Amanda tracked him down in some bodega and arrested him.”

So far, Olivia had refused to say his name but she almost slipped up then. There was a reason why she wasn’t using it but that’s only for her to know. Elliot could ask but she couldn’t physically say his name without wanting to throw up.  If he noticed her slip up, he didn’t react. He just remained focused on her and maintained his ever-calming presence. Taking a couple of deep breaths and a sip of her lukewarm tea, she recentred herself and turned her attention back to the peeling paint on the table in front of her.

“He taunted me with every single detail of what he did to Alice and refused to make eye contact with Nick Amaro. I had to pretend to be interested in him so he talked and all that did was egg him on to the point where he claimed he was saying it all ‘hypothetically’ once his lawyer-girlfriend arrived. There was failed attempt at an ID line-up as he attempted suicide. It was all part of this sick game that he was only just getting started with.”

“Long story short, the trial starts and his lawyer gets him approved for a psych eval under the basis of his incompetency to stand trial -”

“So, he can plead not guilty by reason of insanity?! Please tell me the judge rules him competent” Elliot cuts her off before he can stop himself. She doesn’t react initially but eventually nods.

“We finally uncovered his criminal record and Barba argues that he is competent to stand especially as this guy had a vast knowledge of the judicial system. As you already worked out, the judge rules him competent and his lawyer argues that the state is unlawfully harassing him.”

Elliot was glad that she couldn’t hear his internal monologue right now as it wouldn’t help ease her nerves nor would it change the outcome of this ordeal.

“Alice died of a trauma-induced heart attack and Barba attempted to offer a plea bargain to him. He pleads guilty to third-degree sexual assault and grand larceny, roughly four to seven years in prison. They refused the offer again and now claim that SVU has an agenda against him. His lawyer works to discredit us and hired a private investigator to get our DNA evidence thrown out as it mishandled. Plausible deniability was also thrown in as Mayer, his lawyer claimed that Alice might not be able to accurately remember the attack or his face. I could never forget his face. A mistrial was called and Lewis was bailed out by his lawyer.”

Olivia’s hesitancy to continue is something that Elliot picks up on straight away as she moves from her seat and starts to pace in front of the table. Her heels clicking softly on the concrete in an almost soothing rhythm. He couldn’t blame her for wanting space but he couldn’t let her drift even if she wanted to.

“I don’t want to do this, not because I’m afraid of him. But because I’m afraid that you are going to treat me like I’m going to break. I’m not going to break. I almost broke years ago but I put myself back together eventually. I will never be fully healed from this but I’m okay. I’m here. though, there was a time where I thought I wasn’t going to be here… I’ll get there. But El, I need you to stay here. Don’t drift. You’re my life jacket through this storm. I’m not the same person I was when you left and I know you are not the same person you were before. I’m begging you to let me just talk this through. There will be times where I have to stop and there might be times where I need to be anchored.” The softness of her voice had taken him by surprise and when their gazes finally locked, the tears in her eyes made his heart clench.

“How will I know when you need to be anchored?”

“You’ll just know like you’ve always known.”

The simplicity of her reply was all he needed. Yes, he felt a little stupid for even asking but he didn’t want to trigger her or overstep. He wanted her to feel safe in this space. She was safe here and she knew that.

“When I got home, he was waiting for me. Held me at gunpoint, tied and gagged me. I can’t sleep in the dark now… I have to have a light on.” That admission alone was hard. God knows she’d tried to sleep without any source of light but she was just transported back to those times. She was glad that her back was to Elliot as his sharp inhale had almost thrown her off balance and she was nowhere near finished.

“For several hours, he tortures and humiliates me by forcing me to ingest sleeping pills, whiskey and vodka. I couldn’t stand vodka before this because of my mother but now I cannot even tolerate the smell or the mere thought of it. Whiskey isn’t so bad. Sleeping pills are banned from my house.”

Purposely keeping her back to Elliot as she takes a very shaky breath, she is trying to navigate internally how to tell him about the torture. Olivia felt sick but she was willing away the nausea. Briefly, she wondered if he was also fighting nausea and trying not to picture her in that state.

“He…fuck… as part of his torture, he burnt me with my keys. Put out cigarettes on me. At some point, I must have lost consciousness. When I woke up, I tried so hard to negotiate with him. I told him that I’d let him leave, fuck off to whatever state he wanted and forget that this had happened. He didn’t believe me and made me listen to a voicemail that Cassidy had left. Brian wasn’t coming home because he was stuck at the courthouse. He said that we were past negotiating now and he couldn’t let me go, nor could he leave without me.”

“What was his name?” Elliot had broken her one rule and he almost wasn’t bothered that she’d be pissed.

 Her “El” was pleading as she turned to him, tears sliding down her tired face and her hands were shaking.

“Liv, please.” He hated begging but he needed to hear her say it.

“I warned Lewis that my squad and the NYPD would come looking for me when I didn’t show up for work and I said that ‘it will rain back down on you.’ He wasn’t fazed by my pathetic warning and he replied with ‘let it rain’ before pistol-whipping me. I was in and out of consciousness but he returned to the halfway house where he’d been staying before we collared him. He stole a car from there, put me in the trunk and drove pick up his lawyer girlfriend so they could have dinner with her parents. He drops her off at the train station and returns to her parents house. Lewis made me watch him torture and rape the wife while the husband died of a heart attack. If I closed my eyes, he’d escalate the torture.” The sob leaves her without warning and it echoes in the quiet of the night.

Elliot slowly rises from his chair but doesn’t approach until she acknowledges him and it doesn’t take her long. He offers her his hand and she takes it with her shaking one. His rough thumbs swipes across her soft skin gently. Her shaking doesn’t subside but his touch motivates her to continue. She didn’t dare look at him. She cannot bear it.

“He left her tied up in a closet, stole her credit card and drove around the coast with me in the trunk. He was looking for somewhere to keep me… where we wouldn’t be found or heard.” You didn’t need to be a detective to work out why he wanted the perfect isolated location.

“At some point, we stopped and he went into a hardware store to buy tools. He forced more vodka down my throat and followed that with water before saying ‘one move, lights out.’ A warning. He continues his search and the fucker taunted me by singing along with the radio. Next thing I know, we get pulled over by a rookie and Lewis threatens to kill him if I move. He failed to negotiate with the officer who is now on even higher alert after seeing me and the alcohol lying between the back seats. I think you can guess what happened next.”

Neither of them needed to say the words aloud. Lewis followed a pattern.  Liv’s grip tightened as she stepped a little closer to Elliot. The tips of their shoes were almost touching. This was as close as she could manage with what she was about to reveal.

“He took the officer’s gun, badge and car and carjacked a young mother. He left them in the trunk. He finally found a vacant house that suited him and he cuffed me to this bed after he helped me-”

“-use the bathroom”

That thought made them both tense momentarily and Olivia felt the bile hit the back of her throat but she forced it back down. Her voice cracks as she continues “He moves me onto the bed. My legs are taped together so I cannot move.”

“you want me to burn your clothes off or cut them off?”

Elliot’s grip on her hand tightens ever so slightly when that phrase left her mouth and it was his turn to force bile back down his throat. His expression clearly faltered as he felt Olivia start to retreat. He left her go but was relieved to see that she didn’t move away. She just wanted her hand back as it returned to fiddling with her coat button. Fresh tears brimmed and fell but she refused to wipe them.

“He couldn’t find scissors but he found something sharp enough to cut through the tape. Thinking about someone you’re never gonna see again?  Were the words out of his mouth as he asked if it was my mom, dad or boyfriend that I was feeling sad about.”

“No, huh?

Someone else.”

“Someone who you would give anything to see just one more time.”

“I’ll just try to put him out of your mind, okay?

 Because you don’t make it out of here alive.”

Olivia braved a look at Elliot then who was piecing together as she could feel the ghost of Lewis’s lips on her arm. She knew that she wouldn’t have to spell it out to him but his reaction was what she was looking for.

It was like slow motion as she watched the final piece click into place. He finally knew that she’d been thinking about him as Lewis told her that she was not making it out of there alive. He didn’t even bother stopping his tears from falling. When she needed him most, he wasn’t there but the thought of him was keeping her alive in that moment.

“I told him that he’d be better off keeping me around as I know what he likes and he accused me of ‘holding out’ on him. I was taunting him, telling him how I’ve seen a lot of things but never anything like that, how I knew what he had done with the other girls and how he liked them begging. I pushed and pushed until he reacted by shoving a gun in my mouth and made me say that I wanted to live.”

Olivia turned to one of the empty planters and dry heaved into it. Elliot was immediately at her side, not touching her but reminding her of his presence. She didn’t bring anything up but the heave made her throat burn.  He softly whispered reassurances as she steadied her breathing and made sure she wasn’t actually going to throw up. He did move back into the house quickly and grabbed an ice-cold bottle of water from the fridge which she gladly accepted when he returned to her side.

He managed to coax her back to the table and moved their chairs so they were facing each other. The bottle of water was resting on the concrete square between them. Their knees brushed and that small amount of contact was enough for her right now. She was pushing herself which was the worst thing that she could possibly do but she needed to get this off her chest now. Sensing her inner spiral, Elliot didn’t offer any comforting or accidently condensing encouragement, instead he just reminded her of where she was and how safe she was here.

A few minutes passed, their disposable cups were long forgotten and had fallen over on the table, the plate that once held Olivia’s dinner was coated in a fine layer of sticky onion gravy that would be a bitch to scrub out but Elliot didn’t care and the torn bag that held the cups was halfway across the patio. The noise of the brown bag flapping brought Olivia back to the present. Elliot had let her go into her own world but kept a close eye on her body language.

“We were interrupted by the maid and her daughter. I screamed for help and he told me to shut up while pointing the gun at me. At first, Lewis wanted to just get rid of them but once he laid eyes on the daughter, his plans changed. It’s self-explanatory.  He comes back into the bedroom and tells me that we have company. So, I ask him if he’s afraid of me and he laughs. This piece of shit has the audacity to laugh and call me ‘sweetheart.’ We rally until I say ‘if you’re not man enough to get it up for a real woman’ and that set him off. He unbuckles.”

Another shaky breath but no fresh tears fall, “While he’s distracted, I manage to break off one of the iron poles from the bed frame and I hit him square in the face. He goes for the gun but I strike his arm with it and it sounded like I broke his arm. I think I also kick him in the groin but it’s still a bit hazy. Without hesitation, I’ve got the gun in my hands and I’m pointing it at him, telling him not to move. He approaches me and all I can say is ‘One move, lights out.’ He makes a comment about me being in control and that he can play along until I pistol whip him.”

Her mouth feels dry so she reaches for the bottle and takes a few sips. She offers it to Elliot who takes it and downs half the bottle before screwing the cap back on. He keeps it in his left hand as he offers her his hand again which she gladly takes. But this time, she takes it a step further by intertwining their fingers and resting their joined hands on her slack-clad thigh.

“I’m not proud of what I said to them but I got the maid and her daughter out. She wanted to call the police but I worked out that they were illegal and threatened them with deportation or child removal. I can’t remember exactly but it was shitty. I forgot I left him cuffed to the bed frame so it was my turn to taunt him while he was unconscious. I remember telling him that I hadn’t called anybody yet and that I want him to suffer before I called.

Maybe I could burn you…or cut you. Or I could use the blowtorch.

But you might enjoy that too much.”

The rest of that ramble was blur and she wondered if she just blocked it out. The sick feeling returned but not as persistent as before. For Elliot, he could feel rage bubbling but he also felt something else that he couldn’t quite decipher. However, she’d never forget the next part of her speech.

“My old partner, he’d know what to do. He wouldn’t question himself after what you’ve done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face… Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you. Huh? And make you beg for your life.”

The silence that enveloped the patio was deafening. She needed him to say something. Or at least acknowledge what she’d said to that bastard as he faked being unconscious. She needed him to acknowledge that HE was the only thing that was keeping her alive, how the idea of him killing Lewis lived with her since that incident and how life would’ve been so fucking different if he was still in her life.

Olivia’s ears were ringing as she started to panic. Maybe she’d said too much. The trembling in her hands increased, the jittering of her good leg started and her breathing increased rapidly. She couldn’t catch her breath and her chest hurt. Opposite her, Elliot wasn’t doing much better. He was jittery but not panicking. He was actually rather stoic which only added to Olivia’s panic.

All he could manage was “Liv, I’m sorry” before pulling away and standing up to pace. Olivia remained in her chair as she attempted to calm herself down. She was almost finished for now and she couldn’t wait for it to be over. She wondered how late it was. She’d been ignoring her phone as Noah was sleeping at a friend’s house and she had told Fin not to contact her unless it was an extreme emergency.

The pair remained silent aside from their mismatched breathing and the occasional scuff of Elliot’s shoe on the ground. The temperature had definitely dropped a few degrees since they’d started but they both welcomed the cold. It brought them back to the present and the heavy confession that Olivia had shared.

Now more centred, Elliot was ready to return and listen to the rest of this sickening tale. Olivia remained still and almost zoned out as she finished the first part of the story.

“He started talking about you and I told him that he didn’t get to do that. He then went on to talk about his childhood which was fucked up but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour and certainly didn’t entitle him to my sympathy. He starts talking about his father violently assaulting his babysitter. I was so ready to shoot him then but I stopped myself. He said something about me not having the balls to do it. I picked up that damn bed post and hit him over and over again until I thought he was dead. I called for the squad and the police. Lewis is taken away and then Fin tells me that the monster had survived.”

Seeking him out, she rose from her seat on shaky legs, almost like Bambi, and gently nudging his shoulder. This time reminding him that she’s here for him. Wordlessly, he took a risk and enveloped her in a loose hug so she didn’t feel smothered.

“You survived and I’m so fucking proud of you, Liv. I’m glad that you had people to help you through it and if I’d known, I would have come back to support you in a heartbeat. I don’t expect you to forgive me straight away and I am going to need some time to process this before we continue. How about head inside? It’s late and we need to get warm” this whole speech was whispered into her ear and she didn’t miss the way his nose would brush her face softly.

“I should go home. I think I also need some space.”

Without wasting more time, the pair cleaned up their mess and Elliot made sure that Olivia was hydrated before she left. They shared a quick goodbye and she promised to text him when she got home. She also opted to leave the wat she’d come in. The patio was now a designated safe space for her. In time, Olivia hoped it would be a safe space for Elliot.

Olivia still felt like she was drifting through this never-ending sea of trauma and hurt but there was definitely help on the horizon. She just hoped that she hadn’t scared that lifeline off because she’d be lost at sea forever without him.

Chapter Text

The letter had been pushed under Elliot’s front door and he had almost stood on it when he got home. From the brief look he had taken when he picked it up, he recognised the neat hand writing immediately, though it had a loopier style than he’d remembered. He then carried the letter to the kitchen with him.

After preparing a snack and a glass of water, Elliot made his way out onto the patio and made himself comfortable in the chair he’d sat in last night. He found himself tracing the ‘El’ on the envelope. He was stalling, not that he was under pressure or time constraint to read the letter. He took a swig of water as a way to steel himself before slipping his finger under the lip of the loosely sealed envelope.

It was just one full sheet of A4. Words written on both sides right to the very bottom of the page with a little post-it note attached. Taking a deep breath, he started to read the first paragraph slowly.

As you may have worked out, there is far more to the story than I shared last night. I could not bring myself to share everything in one night as it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us. What I have told you already was extremely hard to share and the only times I have really talked about it is in therapy. I have spent so long working on myself and I feel like I’m only just starting to wade my way through the metaphorical hightide of trauma. There was a case recently that also gave me a push but that’s a story for another time. One that’s much less centred around my trauma. You might have even seen it on the news.

She had no way of knowing that he had seen it on TV but it was nice to know that she thought about him watching the news and seeing her. After spending so many years at SVU, he knew that healing takes years and most never heal but it was reassuring to know that she was still working on it and hadn’t given up. One thing he filed away for future reference was her consideration of his mental health. Moving on, his eyes dropped down to the second and third paragraphs. His anxiety spiking immediately after skimming over the first sentence.

However, I digress, I’m writing this now as I don’t think I can stomach physically telling you about the trial in person. He was having to stand trial for what he did to me, the rape of his girlfriend’s mother and the death of husband and the murder of the rookie police officer.

The first part of the trial consisted of him continuing his spiel about the NYPD having a vendetta against him and how everything he did to me was consensual. During the pre-trial motions, his new lawyer had wanted him to plead guilty to multiple counts of first-degree rape and sodomy on me. Of course, he declined and decided to create a false narrative in open court about what happened between us. Rafa was certain that Lewis was going to receive a sentence of 25 to life and die in prison. If that had happened, I wouldn’t have had to testify. But I convinced him to refuse the deal. Barba did as I asked, Lewis asked the judge to dismiss his lawyer and allow him to represent himself. The judge allows this but Lewis must keep the lawyer as his co-counsel. The trial made everything worse but I couldn’t let him get away with what he did to me. I wouldn’t let him win. God, I feel sick just even writing this.

Just the thought of Lewis representing himself had Elliot had on the edge of his seat. Rage was already simmering in his stomach as he takes his information in. Obviously, Barba had been different back when he worked for the prosecution but Elliot still didn’t like the guy. Again, from his time at SVU, he knew that testifying was one of the hardest parts of the whole ordeal and he could only applaud Olivia for having the guts to face this monster again. From the tone of the letter so far, it was clear that it wasn’t going to be a straight forward trial and he hopes that Lewis is rotting somewhere.

During the trial, Lewis plays the victim by limping around the courtroom, claiming he had partial blindness in hie eye and deafness in his left ear because of the scars on his face. He continues to question the integrity of SVU during his cross-examinations. When it’s Amaro’s turn on the stand to be cross-examined, Lewis accuses me of using ‘sexually provocative’ behaviour during one of the interrogations. Of course, Nick has my back and says that its’s just a tactic to connect emotionally with a potential suspect.

Some of it is a blur but the next thing I remember is testifying about how I incapacitated him which was necessary (I don’t know why I’m justifying it to you) because he broke free from the handcuffs. I had expected him to cross-examine me but he didn’t.

Of course, Lewis was playing the victim card. It’s typical psychopath behaviour and to make matters worse, the jury were clearly going to believe it. That particular thought made Elliot even angrier. He was glad that the bastard was scarred. He deserved far more than that. Cross-examinations were never easy as a detective but he dreaded to think what they were like as a victim. Any logical person could rule that there was not a vendetta against this man and that the NYPD were simply doing their job but that doesn’t fit his twisted narrative. It’s always the psycho who believe that society is out for them when it’s the other way around. Momentarily losing his temper, Elliot kicks the chair that Olivia had been sat in last night.

The sexually provocative accusation bit had Elliot chugging water so he didn’t gag. Sure, they’d played their fair share of suspects with slight provocation but none of their displays had ever been like that. Without even being in the room, he knew that Olivia would have done what was necessary and it was also nice to know that this Amaro had her back. That was one thing that had driven Elliot crazy when he left. Would Olivia get a new partner that had her back? He knew that Fin would have her back always.

Now he couldn’t entirely say that he was surprised about her lying but lying in court under oath is a whole different ballpark from lying to Cragen, IAB or another agency. The realisation dawned on him that Lewis wasn’t supposed to survive which would’ve cleared Olivia of any wrongdoing, prevented her from testifying and having to relive every horrific detail in court. He remembers how Lewis had goaded her when she refused to shoot him. Lewis deserved to be bludgeoned. He couldn’t say for certain that had been going from his partner’s head but he had a feeling that it might have been lingering in her mind. Elliot’s surprise to Lewis not cross-examining her after her statement echoed around the patio. He hadn’t intended on making a verbal noise but he had without really thinking.

However, William Lewis wouldn’t be William Lewis if he didn’t decide to screw everyone over and manipulate them. The following night (I think), Barba and myself discovered that L was calling the maid as a witness which was just the start of the newest shitstorm. During his cross, he forced her to admit that I’d threaten to call immigration if she didn’t leave or cooperate. Like I said last night, I wasn’t proud of it but I wanted to get them safely out of the way. We’ve been to enough trials to know that this would create reasonable doubt specifically about the beating I gave him. He brought in some expert to back this claim up by saying that just one of the blows I dealt him was enough to incapacitate. I’m not going to argue with that conclusion now. But on that stand, I had to stick to my story. A recess was called after Lewis procured a sick note from the prison doctor about ‘fatigue.’

Though he agreed that Liv’s method of persuading the maid to leave with her daughter while they were unharmed was right. It wasn’t the kindest nor ethical but ethics and kindness weren’t really in the forefront of her mind. Her priority was their safety and she did keep them safe. That was bound to split a jury but the jurors would never know what it was like as a cop to make snap decisions like that especially in a dangerous situation. From Liv’s wording, it was also clear that Lewis had basically coerced (and probably threatened) the maid to discredit Liv even more. Unfortunately, that was to be expected from someone like Lewis. One important thing here to Elliot here is that Olivia realises that what she did was wrong. Even if she hadn’t when she first threatened the woman, she was willing to admit her wrongs (for the most part).

The use of an expert witness was common but this time it just pissed him off even more. It shouldn’t be surprising that she had felt the need to use excessive force to incapacitate the man who not only had held her captive for days but had murdered, assaulted and raped other people. If Elliot had been in Olivia’s shoes, he probably would’ve done the same. Legally, it is not justifiable. Morally, it is justifiable. He did let out a sigh of relief when he saw that Olivia had stuck to her story and not let Lewis and the expert get to her. He didn’t even bother processing the recess part. It was predictable even with the ‘victim’ act that Lewis had already been playing.

The next day, he was back to examining me by addressing my past and marital status. The bastard gave these as reasons to why I would be sexually attracted to him. Like any psychopath, he then went around poking holes in my story to the point where it discredited the entirety of my testimony. He’s very adamant to tell the ‘right’ story and prove that I lied about him breaking free but I stayed strong (well as strong as I could be on that stand. It was horrifying. I got to experience what I’ve put all these victims through and I can now see why some hated us after). 

Lewis’s examination and further discreditation was pushing Elliot to the edge. His rage had increased but he was trying not to let it consume him. Channelling it was his best option but he wanted to power through the remainder of the letter before making any decisions. In theory, neither of them was telling the ‘right’ story. It was frustrating for him to know that most believed Lewis’s story over a dedicated and decorated SVU detective. Realistically, it wasn’t that simple but it should be. Putting victims on the stand after having to endure the assault, rape kit, statement and line-up was trauma-inducing enough but then having to testify and relieve that in front of the attacker and a room full of people you don’t know never feels right even if it was the only way to get justice. Olivia having experienced it in both settings as a victim and as a detective must have been soul destroying. He couldn’t even start to think about how it feels for a victim who wasn’t believed and called a liar (or worse). The mere thought of Lewis using her past against her hit a nerve, especially as he knew rather a lot of her past and how private she had been about it. He was assuming that Lewis didn’t know everything but even the smallest amount was far too much, in Elliot’s opinion. The sheer power of Lewis’s manipulation was on full display here and this was only from her point of view. He would have liked to have been a fly on the wall during the trial to see everyone and analyse how they reacted to Lewis.

The final day of this hell was one that I’ll never forget. Lewis had apparently planned on taking the stand but decided against it as he claimed that the prosecution had failed to make a case. Closing statements were given. Lewis continued the smear campaign against me. The use of excessive force, the ‘consensual’ relationship and my ‘sexual obsession’ with him. The verdict came back.

He was acquitted of the rape and assault charges.

Guilty of kidnapping and assault of a police officer.

He got 25 to life and the fucker looked at me before being dragged away.

As he skimmed the final paragraph, he was relieved to see that it was the last trial day. That being said, it didn’t make it any easier to read. Closing statements would always seal the case and in this case, it could’ve gone either way. Seeing that Lewis got twenty-five to life wasn’t reassuring in the slightest but it had been good news for a short period. strangely, he could imagine what Lewis’s face looked like as he looked at Olivia as he was carted away and it filled him with dread. With Lewis behind bars, she should’ve been safe and able to heal. Thought fate had other plans for his partner and he cursed fate for a few moments.

Elliot decided that now would be the best time to take a break. He put the letter down and tore open the packet of breadsticks that he had carried outside almost forty minutes ago now. His water was still cold and refreshing as he swigged it in between sticks. He let his mind wander to slightly happier thoughts and made a mental reminder to text Katie and ask about Ma. His mind also briefly wandered to Noah and how much he was like Liv.

Abandoning the breadsticks, he turned the letter over and continued reading. He couldn’t help but notice how much lighter Liv’s handwriting was on this side, like she hadn’t been pressing the pen into the paper so hard.

I wish that this was the end but it is not. I would like to have that conversation in person but the same rules apply. This part isn’t any easier to talk about but having you there as both the audience and support will help. I cannot promise that I won’t dry heave into Bernie’s planters again. I’m sorry for dropping that first confession on you without warning but I wanted to get it off my chest before I chickened out. I’m not saying this letter was easy to write but it certainly eased my anxiety a little. I also think I chose to write rather than talk because it might be easier on you. I don’t want to be the cause of a spiral for you. I don’t want to be the cause of you running rather than facing… reality. Well, my reality. That I’m also making yours. Trauma bonding at its finest, am I right? God, our therapists are going to hate us. Or charge us double.

The images of last night flickered through his mind as her words sunk in. He did let a small chuckle escape at the part about their therapists as she wasn’t wrong. The honesty about the trauma bonding was unexpected but relevant unfortunately to their entire partnership. He understood why it might have been easier for her to write it down rather than articulate it via speech. Writing can be cathartic and it was something that had been recommended to him years ago after he’d left. After many attempts, he gave up and ranted to his then therapist that it was making him more agitated. But now, he could see himself writing stuff down briefly to bring up when he was comfortable. For Olivia, it was clear that she had a bit more experience in processing and writing her trauma down. Though, as she stated, it’s never easy.

Olivia’s recognition of his running reminded him of that conversation in her office when he had given her the compass and she thanked him for telling her that he was leaving. Their communication was slowly getting better yet there was still so much left unsaid. Running was something he had always done and it had drove both Kathy and Olivia mad. Not that he was therapist but he’d been in therapy long enough to know that this behaviour partially stemmed from his childhood. Olivia was just the same and neither of them had been willing to admit that years ago. Now, maybe they could. Together.

When I talked about you... When I thought about you… during the worst four days of my life, I meant every word. I knew you were never coming to get me but that clouded part of my brain that was reminding me of you thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d found out somehow. That you would’ve dropped everything and helped find me. When he started talking about you, I couldn’t stand it. He was trying to taint the one good thing in my life. And that was YOU.

Elliot found himself reading that paragraph over and over. If he had known, he would have dropped everything, ignoring the law and found the quickest way back to the city. Guilt forced him to stop and process her words properly. Images of their partnership before flickered through his mind and he felt utterly stupid for ever leaving but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Eventually, he would share his side of the story fully. Even after reading the words on the page and hearing Olivia breathe them last night, it still hadn’t full sunk in that when she needed help the most, she thought about him and what he would’ve done. The accuracy in her description about his actions was startling.

Even after the way he left, he was still the most important person in her life. She never truly moved on and he would bet his loft on that. Knowing her, she’d likely say that she moved on but he always there lingering in her mind. It was like that for him. He moved, took a slightly different career path and yet he regularly found himself thinking about her while he laid next to his wife in their beautiful house in Italy. Lewis’s manipulation was to be expected, especially of Olivia, as he was obsessed with her but it hurt. Now he’s been shot, blown up and stabbed multiple times but that pain paled in comparison to the pain he felt right now.

I hadn’t taken the news about you leaving well and even after all that time, you were still the first thought in mind. When I brought coffee at our favourite spots, when I spotted a funny ad, on stakeouts, at home, on the street and when people asked if I’d commit crimes to protect the most important person in my life. Internally, I would scream my answer, “YES I WOULD AND HAVE.”

You were.

And are the single most important person in my life.

Flashbacking to the sterile hospital waiting room, sitting there in shock with Liv as Kathy laid asleep in that small room. The way she had said it in that breathy, quiet tone with the unshed tears in her eyes. The quiet of the room was a complete juxtaposition to the sheer volume of noise going through their minds. Her disorientation as she left. back then, he had paid it no mind. But now, he realises that she was on the verge of panicking because of him returning without a warning after ten long fucking years apart.

Even separated, they still thought of each other whether it hurt or not. Their bond is like no other. He never had that connection with his wife who had been the love of his life. The universe works in mysterious ways. It was no secret that the pair had lied and almost broke the law for each other, another unique factor regarding their connection. He vaguely remembers her mentioning that there had been one serious relationship during their time apart and selfishly, he wondered why it ended, not that it was any of his business (right now).

Elliot considered taking another break but decided against it as he was almost at the end of the letter. His stomach did protest but it could wait a little longer. The temperature had dropped slightly, though it wasn’t uncomfortable. The envelope was now tucked under his water bottle so it didn’t fly away.

That first year after the ordeal, I regularly wondered if it would’ve been different if you’d been here. if you’d still been my partner. It was a dangerous thought. One that drove my therapist crazy (ironic, right?). It was one that eventually drove me crazy. I’d moved on with my life and you’d moved on with yours but I found myself thinking about you. Then Noah came into my life and that sweet boy changed everything.

I hope over time, we can work through things together and share those deep, dark secrets that we’ve been holding onto for dear life. I’m open to talking, it’s just hard to start the conversation and that’s something we can work on together. But El, running isn’t helping. This is coming from someone who has spent her whole life running from her past. It will eventually catch up with you.

A dangerous thought indeed and one that he would be having for a while. It could be something that he mentions to his therapist but he also doesn’t want to violate Olivia’s privacy. He’d sit on it for a few days and then decide. She was right about almost all the things here but one. Starting conversations will get easier as they work through their feelings and their past without running. Olivia mentioning the past reminded him of Simon and he wondered if they still see each other or even communicate. She has a family that doubled as her squad and ex-colleagues and years ago, she didn’t believe that she deserved a family. Now, it’s obvious that she has the family she has always deserved.

They were both on their own respective journeys of healing and their journeys were starting to overlap. She wasn’t wrong about pasts catching up and after living in denial for so long, he was no stranger to his past coming back to bite him in the ass and almost ruining the few important things he had left in his life.

Elliot put the letter down and took a deep breath. His thoughts were all over the place and he would need some time to process everything he learnt tonight alongside the information from the previous night. He thanked Olivia silently for considering this factor as she had written the letter for him and considered her own mental health as a survivor. The post-it caught his eye again as he pulled it from the envelope.

The message on the post-it was enough to take his breath away.

Someone once gave me a compass and told me that it would lead to happiness, well now I know where my happiness lies. – Liv.

Chapter Text

Olivia felt like she was having déjà vu as she sat down in the plastic chair and knocked her knee on the wobbly table as Elliot grabbed them water. She’d been sat in this exact spot four nights ago and now she was back to share even more trauma. Her younger self probably would’ve cursed the supposed higher powers and her mother. She added that thought to her extensive ‘mention in therapy’ list that’s currently at the forefront of her mind alongside some other more pressing matters.

Her letter was one of those pressing matters but, in all honesty, she just wanted to get this final load of her chest before it started to drown her. It’s been sitting on her chest all day as she tried to comfort victims, manage her squad and deal with the media. Changing out of her work clothes and into something more comfortable had helped before she found herself here. Elliot lingered by his chair with that fucking envelope and she wanted to flee. Forget that they had started to embark on this ‘healing’ yet traumatising journey. As if he could read her mind, he tucked the letter into his back pocket and sat down.

Biting the bullet, she decided to start talking straight away.

“Four months after the trial, he experienced a seizure in prison and was transported to hospital with the prison doctor present. A member of the previous jury had spiked some pastries. This jurywoman had been in regular contact with him and believed he was wrongly convicted. He was pronounced dead after multiple resuscitation attempts but he spontaneously auto-resuscitated. I didn’t even know that something like that was possible. The correct term probably isn’t auto-resus. Anyways, after miraculously coming back from the dead, he attacked an officer and a nurse. No one noticed as he mutilated and rape that poor nurse.”

“He then changed into the nurse’s scrubs and escaped in her car. At this point, I was no longer a detective. I was now a Sergeant. That bastard phoned me on the nurse’s phone just to say “I missed you, sunshine.””

She’d only just gotten started and she already wanted to stop. That familiar taste of bile was back in her mouth. As a momentary distraction, she cracked open the water bottle and took a few small sips. Without even looking at him, she knew that he was watching her like a hawk. Looking for signs of distress. He also made a note to never call her sunshine.

“After the call to me, he invaded the prison doctor’s home and killed her before raping her eldest daughter and leaving her bound in a closet. He also abducted Amelia, the youngest daughter. When we found the eldest, she said that she had a message for me and no one else could hear it.”

“Tell the truth, or the girl dies.”

“I can still hear his voice sometimes, no matter how much I try and push it out of my mind. Lieutenant Murphy, our Lieu at the time, asked me what that meant and I had to confess to perjuring myself. While we’re trying to work around that, Lewis kills a man and then steals his car to rob a gas station and almost kill the attendant.”

The pair shift in their seats and if his chair ends up a little closer, neither of them mind. She welcomed the slight intrusion into her personal space. It was a subtle reminder that she wasn’t alone and that she was safe. For him, he wants to be that safe reminder and that anchor she’s been desperately needing. She takes a moment to quench her thirst and zip the hoodie up while he pushes down his rolled-up sleeves.

“We reach police headquarters and there’s a call on the landline. It’s him and he wants to speak to me. again, his demand was for me to confess otherwise he would kill Amelia, along with his lawyer, Martha Marron. Controversially, I agreed to admit on TV that I lied but he had to keep Ameila and Martha alive. He agreed but he almost kills another man and then escapes us again. At this point, I make the confession about how I used unnecessary force and was not coerced into doing so. Stupidly, I reached out to Lewis saying that I could rescue Amelia. I evaded my security detail, yes it wasn’t one of my brightest moments but I just wanted it to be over and I wanted the two hostages safe. I do not need you chewing off my ear about how much danger I put myself in. I’ve had that lecture multiple times and I would do it again if I needed to.”

Elliot did nod his head in agreement but if he’d been in that position, he would have done the exact same thing. In the past, actions like that had gotten them both in trouble with Cragen and IAB. Did they ever learn? No. Did they believe in doing whatever it takes for the best possible outcome? Yes. Did that include making some awful decisions? Yes.

“I take a car, one that wasn’t registered in my name, and I arrive at the junkyard where Lewis was. Of course, he holds me at gun point, disarms me, takes my vest and removes my phone. I had expected that and what he did next.”

He could fill in the gap there. Lewis obviously abducted her and transported her to another location. For her, that must have been extremely traumatising and he felt that anger bubble up in his system again. Though he would not let it show. He needed and wanted to be strong for her.

“When he arrived at the factory where he was keeping Amelia, he taunted me. It was some sick and twisted form of déjà vu but I had to pretend that his words weren’t affecting me. I wouldn’t let him win again. It was my time…”

The pause in her storytelling was a clear indication that this next part wasn’t going to be easy for either of them. The tears were even more prominent in her eyes as he briefly looked at her face. Instead of speaking, Elliot simply offered his hand, palm up, for her to take if she wanted too. There was no hesitation from her when she enveloped his with hers and tugged him closer. It caught him off guard and the chair made a horrid squeaking noise but once he repositioned it, the noise stopped.

 “He then gave me the option of letting myself get raped or letting him rape Amelia who was tied up. I was tied to the table. Each leg was tapped to a table leg so they were spread. Logically, I offered…” Olivia brought her left hand up to her mouth as she sucked in a quick breath. She couldn’t finish the sentence and she couldn’t stomach hearing Elliot say it for her. Opposite her, Elliot wasn’t doing much better. Almost immediately. He finished the sentence in his head and he had to remind himself to stay calm and not to turn up all over his partner. The pair were at their limit.

“Liv, we can take a break. We don’t have to do this now.” His voice brought her back to the present. She made a noise before shaking her head and squeezing his hand. Taking that as her way of saying she didn’t need a break, he let her sit there and recentre while periodically squeezing her hand gently to remind her that he was here now and that Lewis couldn’t hurt her now.

“Occasionally, I still feel his touch. If someone I don’t know has touched me whether it’s on purpose or not, I just think of him. The way he would grope me. The sheer pain of when he’d squeeze too hard. It’s like phantom pain but a thousand times more traumatising. It’s debilitating. There’s been cases where I’ve had to step back from temporarily to recentre myself and reminder myself that I survived because there was something that reminded me of him… of what he put me and his other victims through. Fin helps massively by making sure that the squad is focused and not worrying about me. I’m not naïve, I know that they all worry about me. As I worry about them when a case impacts them personally.

I refused to submit to what he wanted. So, he forced me to play Russian Roulette. I refuse to handle those six-chamber revolvers if we come across one at a scene now. It just brings me back to that room. The sound of the chamber clicking as the barrel is pressing against my temple. He went first and it was blank. If I didn’t take my turn, he was going to shoot me with the other gun. He was holding me at gun point as I pointed a gun at my own head. Do you understand how fucked up that really is? I was going to potentially die either way. He takes another turn, it’s blank and it was my turn again. But the police helicopters alert Lewis that we’ve been found.”

Elliot had an idea about what this meant for Olivia and it wasn’t pleasant. Lewis was either going to make her finish playing or start shooting at the cops. He opted for the former. It was clear that Lewis liked games and especially liked forcing his victims to partake against their will. The shooting at cops idea seemed risky but when someone like Lewis is backed into a corner, they snap and do the thing you would least expect for someone who had been so well organised and sick.

“He taunts my squad through the radio he had stolen and then we continued. A blank for me. Another for him. That next chamber was for me and it was loaded. He said “game over” before raising the gun to his own head with his left hand and killing himself in front of me. Can you guess why he used his left?”

It didn’t take Elliot long to connect the dots. Lewis wanted to frame Olivia for murder to traumatise her even more. To prove that she liked using unnecessary force and she found men like him attractive when in reality, she was repulsed by those men and used force when necessary. Her beating him had been done in an extremely traumatising situation and was justified. Even her lying was justifiable to Elliot and Olivia herself. The fucker deserved to die a painful death and rot in the depths of hell.

The cold silence of the patio enveloped the pair who were still clinging to each other. Elliot had some things to say but he didn’t want to overload her. He would wait until she had calmed. When she stood, so did he. There wasn’t much space between them and Olivia could feel the heat radiating off Elliot. Her next move caught both herself and him off guard as she tucked her head under his chin and let her arms fall around his middle. There was minimal contact as that was all she could handle right. Elliot was unsure where to put his hands and arms so he opted for them to loosely come around her middle.

The scent of his aftershave and deodorant were calming and a reminder that she was alive and that he was here and not in a beautiful country across the globe. Her lifejacket was here and keeping her afloat. Her lungs felt heavy but her head was above water. She could breathe without fear of being dragged under into the murky darkness.

For Elliot, the weight of her body against his felt like home. A beacon of light in a never-ending dangerous storm that risked him being swept away. As much as he was an anchor for her, she was an anchor for him but he had been too blindsided to see it at first. 

“I’m not going to say that things might have been different if I had been here. That is something I need to work on by myself but I want you to know that I will always be proud of you. You are the strongest woman I have ever met with such a fearless nature and caring soul. There is so much more I need to say but now is not the time. Liv, I’m not avoiding the conversation, I just want to make sure you are okay and not overload your emotions,” his little speech had been whispered into her messy hair as she shuddered slightly underneath him. The dam had opened and he didn’t care that she was getting his jumper wet.

Elliot let Olivia cry it out and when her sniffles stopped, he guided her inside. She was exhausted both physically and emotionally. It didn’t take much convincing to get her to lie down on his bed. He texted Noah to make sure he was okay and to tell him that his mom might be home a little late. Noah replied with an ‘okay’ and ‘I told Uncle Fin who seemed to understand, though I still don’t think I need a babysitter.’ This added statement made him laugh and he replied with ‘I’ll help you convince your mom at a better time, okay bud?’ Noah replied with a little smiley face and thumbs up.

Next, he texted Fin to check in and explain without giving too much away. Knowing Olivia, she had probably mentioned it to Fin but he just wanted to cover all his bases. He would let Liv relax and sleep for a while before waking her to see what she wanted to do. She was more than welcome to stay but she didn’t have any personal items etc. Plus, he didn’t want to overstep by just letting her sleep and wake up in an unfamiliar bedroom.

With Olivia resting, Elliot brought their water bottles back in and locked up the patio door. He tidied the already spotless kitchen, wrote his shopping list for mama’s return, made a note to take mama’s prescriptions in and pay the bills that automatically didn’t come out. He even went as far as dusting the shelves and stripping Eli’s bedsheets.

--

It had been roughly two and a half hours since Olivia relaxed enough to sleep. The nap did help her recharge but she didn’t want to move. She could hear Elliot moving out in the kitchen and it felt oddly domestic given the reasons why she had come over again. As if he could sense her thinking, he lingered in the doorway and they shared a small smile. For him, it was a welcome sight to see her in his bed but the circumstances lingered and tainted that image slightly. For her, it was the same but at the same time, it felt like she belonged in his bed. That was something that didn’t terrify her as much as it would’ve done in the past.

“Can I stay?” the words left her mouth before she could stop them. This was a massive step and she didn’t want him to think that she was using him or avoiding going home. She knew that Fin had her back and promised to stay all night if she needed him to. Noah was safe and had been wanting to spend a bit more time with his cool uncle.

“Of course. Do you want something to change into?” He felt like he was a teenager asking out his crush with rosy red cheeks and awkward hovering. At least he wasn’t the only one blushing as he watched her process his question.

“If you don’t mind. I have a bag in my trunk with emergency toiletries and other bits, would you mind running out and grabbing that for me?” her reply was soft and the glow of the lamp made her look ethereal.

Elliot nodded and headed straight for his dresser. It didn’t take him long to find a shirt that was perfect for Liv. It was an NYPD training academy relic but it was still in good condition. He was missing one of these and he had a sneaky suspicion that the thief was laying in his bed. He had to take a minute to process that part.

The Olivia Benson was laying in his bed…after telling him about the most traumatic days of her life and she wasn’t angry with him. She was angry at the world and the man who traumatised countlessly women for own his sick need.

For Olivia, the revelation was rather the same. She couldn’t believe that she was laying in Elliot’s bed and staying the night. She watched Elliot put the t-shirt at the bottom of the bed and leave through the doorway he had previously vacated. She turned over and faced the nightstand where her phone was charging. Of course he had sense to put it on charge. Grabbing it, the screen lit up with two texts from Noah and one from Fin.

One of the texts from her son was a picture of him teaching Fin how to play Animal Crossing and the other was a simple goodnight text. The text from Fin was brief but straight to the point.

Glad you two are working through things. It’s taken you long enough. See you tomorrow.

An airy chuckle escaped her lips as she read the message. She swiped away from their conversation and went back to looking at the picture of Noah. He looked so happy with Fin. Traditional families were overrated in this time period. People whether they’re related by blood or not are also family. Everyone has a friend or friends that they consider family, like Elliot was always family to her. His kids, especially now, were like family. Back then, it was touch and go for a while.

Before she spirals, she decides now is the perfect opportunity to get changed. She really didn’t want to leave her little cocoon but it had to be done. After she’s changed, she folds her clothes up and unceremoniously dumps them on top of the dress, though being mindful of the items already littering the surface.

The front door opens and closes as Elliot announces his presence and she wonders if he did that so she didn’t startle. He found her looking at a photo and he smiled. He knew what one it was without even looking at the dresser. It was one of them. He couldn’t remember exactly what year it was taken but it was early in Liv’s career at SVU. He had countless photos of them together but there’s just something about that one in particular that he felt should be displayed.

“I remember Munch trying to work the camera and Fin getting annoyed because he was taking far too long. Then I took the camera from John’s desk when they’d finished with it. When I got our photos developed, the guy behind the counter said something like ‘you two make a beautiful couple’ and I laughed.” Elliot reminisces as he deposits her bag on the bed.

“I think I remember this day. John had denied that he wanted a ‘family’ photo and Cragen wasn’t having any of it. Then again, he barely put up with our shenanigans as it was.” Olivia replied, turning to her partner.

“I’m sure he would barely put up with us now. I’m kinda glad that man didn’t have hair because he would’ve been pulling out it and we’d be the reason why.”

Laughter was good for her. She was starting to feel lighter. She was still exhausted. However, she was going to spoil the mood with a warning.  “Not to shit on our parade down memory lane but I need to warn you that I will most likely sleep fitfully amongst other things.”

“So, what do you need from me?”

“Honestly? Just wake me up if I start kicking out or saying anything related to…”

“Okay. Are you comfortable with me sleeping here? I can take the couch.”

“El, I’m not kicking you out of your own bed. I’ll be okay if you do as I asked.”

The distance between them had closed and neither minded. It was comforting and seeing her in his clothes did some unthinkable things to him but now was not the appropriate time for that. Olivia turned her attention to the travel bag and then looked at Elliot, almost asking for permission to use his bathroom. He made a gesture as if to say ‘go ahead’ and she did just that.

Now he was alone in his room, he quickly stripped and changed into more suitable clothes to wear to bed. Usually, he would sleep without a shirt on but he wasn’t sure what Olivia would be comfortable with so he opted for a plain white tank with some soft grey joggers. Vaguely, he could hear her pottering about in the bathroom and going through what he presumed was her night routine. He would use the bathroom after her so while he waited, he made himself busy by refreshing their water bottles and grabbing a small packet of salted crackers.

When Olivia reemerged, she looked refreshed but sleepy. She immediately settled herself down in the spot she had occupied earlier after putting her travel bag out of the way. She smiled at the cracker packet before checking her phone again. Elliot made sure she was settled before taking his turn in the bathroom. His routine was much shorter than hers.

It was never easy sleeping in an unfamiliar room but Liv had a slight feeling that she would sleep okay with Elliot by her side. Part of her wanted to be embarrassed about the nightmares that were likely to come but the other part was assuring her that it’s okay because she doesn’t have to go through them alone… this time and maybe more times in the future. To be completely honest, she hasn’t had a good night of sleep for years.

“Light on or off?” Elliot’s gentle voice disrupted her train of thought.

“Off but keep the lamp on.”

With the main light off, he approached the bed and sat down on the left side. He usually slept on the right because it’s closest to the door but he didn’t mind Liv taking his preferred spot. She most likely slept on the right in her own bed. It’s a habitual thing that had both had picked up as cops. One of those old-fashioned rules that was drilled into them at the academy.

Olivia’s phone dimmed as she put it back down on the bedside table. The lamp on his side was dim but it was enough light for her to feel safe. Elliot followed suit but left his phone on his chest. When he was settled, she scooted a little closer as she turned over and faced him. He followed suit and his phone now rested in the small space between their chests.

“Good night, El.” She whispered, closing her eyes and relaxing into his soft pillows.

“Good night, Liv. You’re safe. No one can hurt you now.” He said as he watched her chest rise and fall.

It was 2am when Elliot woke up and Olivia was getting antsy in her sleep. She was mumbling but he couldn’t work out what she was saying. Remembering her rules, he watched her closely. She had rolled onto her back but she wasn’t kicking or thrashing and a part of him hoped that she didn’t. For a few minutes, she did still and the mumbling ceased.

He slept fitfully for another hour before he was woken up by a stray arm landing on his chest. When his gaze found her face, he was met with her whimpering but still asleep. Deciding to pull her from the nightmare, he gently shook her arm on his chest until her eyes popped open. They were glassy and immediately full of tears. Surprisingly, Olivia didn’t panic when she realised where she was. Instead, she just turned back on her side so she was facing El who was looking for the right thing to say.

“Thank you” was all she said as she willed away the tears. He hesitantly wiped a stray one away and she couldn’t stop the sigh of relief that escaped her lips.

“No need to thank me. I’m just here to stop you drifting into dangerous waters. We’re in the calm now.”

Chapter Text

Olivia was attempting to do three things at once as she fought with her keys while listening to Noah talk about dance class and manage grocery bags. She managed to get the key in the lock and with the help of her son, they made it into the apartment. She paid no attention to Noah who was flicking through the mail that the young man at reception had slipped under her door. She hated using those stupid mailboxes in the lobby and it hadn’t taken much convincing for the man to go out of his way once she explained her busy job. He was sweet and would always talk to Noah.

“Mom?!” Noah was practically yelling at her as she had zoned out while mechanically putting their groceries away.

“Sorry baby, what were you saying?” Olivia watched her son put the letter down on the counter.

“I said you have a letter. A handwritten one! Who handwrites letters anymore? That’s so old school.”

She knew exactly who was still writing letters the old school way and she forced herself to take a steady breath. She kept herself occupied by putting the groceries away and then doing a load of washing after getting changed. Noah retreated to his bathroom to have a shower after working up a sweat at dance.

When he reemerged in his pjs with his homework and switch, she began to prepare dinner with the letter burning a hole in the back of her head. It wasn’t in the way and it was bound to be the point of dinner conversation. Usually, she hated lying to her son but he wasn’t quite old enough (in her eyes) for him to understand what exactly had gone on between herself and Elliot. He knew that Elliot had been her partner, had left, come back for work and unfortunately lost his wife. They had meet twice, maybe three times but she had been scared to let them know each other because her son gets attached easy and he wouldn’t take Elliot leaving well (if that were to happen again). Like mother, like son. oh, the irony.

After a successful dinner, Olivia let Noah play his switch in the sitting room as long as he wasn’t too loud while he played online with his friends. She lingered in the kitchen with a glass of Cabernet and washed the mountain of dishes they had made over the past few days. She had a perfectly good dishwasher but that had also been full. Being home this early after the longest four days of her life was a blessing. In the car on the way home, Noah was trying to convince her again that he didn’t need a babysitter any more. She was inclined to agree but she was in denial that her sweet baby was growing up. Logically, they could come up with a compromise which was a weekend discussion.

It was quickly approaching Noah’s bedtime and he was already packing up the switch before she could tell him to get ready. She filled his water bottle up and took it into his room while he did his night routine. She didn’t tuck him in but she reminded him that his light should be off in fifteen minutes. That usually gave him enough time to read a chapter.

As soon as the light faded under the gap in his door, Olivia was settled on the couch with her half-filled glass of Cab, a box of tissues and the TV on low for background noise. The envelope was light and adorned by Elliot’s messy scrawl. She thought back to the times where she’d have to decipher some of the paperwork for Munch or Fin because they couldn’t read his handwriting. He wrote like a doctor which she had found hilarious when she was first partnered up with him because cops always had to have legible handwriting in the early years. She carefully opened the envelope and was met with two pages of A4 lined paper that he had no doubt stolen from Eli’s room.

Liv,

This is the only way I am able to order and explain my thoughts logically. I know the last time I gave you a letter, it caused further tension between us, but I am the one writing this letter. That one line of the previous letter is still important to where we are now, if you think about it. It feels right for me to share my story and what I was going through after Jenna. I’m very aware that we should be talking about this but I’m hoping this letter will help us with that. We are not here to compare trauma, okay? Whatever I say does not in any way invalidate your feelings.

Olivia still had that first letter. It was tucked away in a box in her study. The majority of its content weren’t important to her. Only that one line at the end is. A building block, as her therapist would say. She thought about that line more often than she’d like sometimes. It was obvious that Elliot shared the same sentiment about it. She moved onto the next paragraph and she was not prepared.

I’ll be straight with you, leaving was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my entire life on this godforsaken earth. I thought signing my divorce papers was hard but leaving you was far worse. That probably makes me sound like a massive asshole but it’s true. Lawfully shooting a person is hard but killing a kid was something I wish no one ever has to do because it fucks you up. It fucked me up for years. I can hear you already saying ‘why did you run?’ ‘running doesn’t help’ and you are right but back then, it was easy to run until I made the decision to keep running which meant leaving you behind, uprooting my children and my wife.

Reading about him shooting a kid brought her back to months ago after being greenlit by Oscar Papa and those kids waiting outside her apartment for her. Injuring Fugazi had been traumatising enough. She couldn’t imagine what it was like to shoot and kill a child. The weight of that on your conscience. The guilt of taking another life. As she read on, she remembers how Kathy had encouraged her to get Elliot to sign the divorce papers. What a strange time that had been. But to compare his leaving and signing those papers? He really must have been a mess.

She lived with enough of her own guilt but she couldn’t imagine the guilt that he was living with. It would’ve been unbearable and she can see why he ran but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt her. She also agreed that it was easy for the pair of them to ran rather than face whatever they were running from. It doesn’t make the process of understanding their emotions any easier. For him, it was harder to run for longer periods of time because he had people waiting back home for him. But for her, she had no family and eventually the squad would’ve stopped looking for her. Though, after the shooting, she had wanted to run and never look back but she stayed. She doesn’t blame him, not as much as she used it. All those years ago, all she had wanted was an explanation and a chance to say goodbye.

You already know a summarised version of what I got up to jobwise. Emotionally, I was still a wreck even after leaving the States and then eventually getting settled in Italy. I had friends on the force but none of them chose to inform me about the events you endured and in some sick way, I’m glad. Partly because I would’ve dropped everything again and made you my priority which would have made Kathy right. And partly because I needed to hear it from you (there’s no reason why that I can put my finger on right now but I’m sure we’ll figure it out). If I had heard it from someone else, my reaction certainly would’ve been different.

Olivia was glad that he eventually settled and found another job that had given him purpose. Working in SVU felt like a never-ending battle and she wasn’t surprised that there was such a high turnover rate of cops who simply couldn’t handle it. Right now, she couldn’t stand the idea of Elliot hearing about the Lewis ordeal from someone else. The sheer thought of it made her nauseous. It was her story to tell and certainly not a story that he should be hearing from some cop she (most likely) hadn’t met who knew Elliot when he was in the academy or something.

While the thought of him coming back to help her after the ordeal was a nice one, it also felt like she was taking three steps back into the time where she had thought that he would just appear at her door or in the squadroom one day. Back then, she had just put it down to her way of coping until her therapist had shit on those thoughts and made her realise that it was a rather dangerous train of thoughts. It was stopping her from healing and moving on. The part about Kathy being right was a mystery to her and she filed it away for their inevitable conversation about this.

Come to think of it, Fin had implied that there were stories that he had no right to share and now I know that the Lewis story was not his to tell. I have all the time in the world and I will wait for you to share your stories when you’re ready. If you were here now, you’d hear me telling myself off for going off topic.

She found herself wondering when he had found time to talk to Fin but that was none of her business. She knew that Fin would have her back and wouldn’t tell any of her stories without consulting her first. He was good like that and he’d been her right-hand man for years now. It also warmed her heart to know that they were talking and there was no tension. The last sentence had drawn a watery chuckle from her. There had been a fair few occasions in the past where she had to tell him to get back on topic because he was veering off. He was like Munch but far less conspiracy-minded.

After the shooting, I had to get some air which then turned into ditching IAB. I’m sure Tucker was pulling out what hair he had left then to find me. that’s the thing, when you’ve been running for so long, it’s easy to stay hidden. I have no doubt that you tried looking for me and probably got close. I got your voicemails. Every single one of them. I changed my work number but kept my number for personal reasons. I had a secret phone that I would carry with me everywhere, alongside my work phone and my wife was none the wiser.

Pissing off IAB was always a favourite past time of theirs but Olivia knew that this time hadn’t been entirely on purpose. She recalls how stoic he became after holding Jenna as she died and she will never forget the sheer look of terror they shared as Sister Pegs blood dried on her hands. Cragen had let him get some air and then they never saw him again. The mention of Tucker hit that tiny sensitive spot of her heart that was still his. There had only been a few times that she found herself missing him and that doesn’t terrify her. Their relationship outside of work had been different and it was one of the only times in her life where she’d truly been happy.

The rest of that day, actually, the rest of that week had been a blur from what Olivia can remember. She vaguely remembers the IAB interrogation and having to watch the CCTV footage again. The investigation clearly wasn’t long and neither was the quick refurbishment of the squadroom after it was no longer deemed a crime scene.

She found herself agreeing with the running sentiment. As someone who has spent most of her life running, she knows how it easy it is just to keep going even if what you’re running from has stopped chasing you. After Lewis, she was running for a whole new set of reasons but refused to hide. Then Noah came into her life and she slowed down her running. Elliot was not wrong about her looking for him. She spent months trying to find him in spots that were personal to him or to his kids but nothing. Kathy had cut contact with her. Though she never found out the reason why.  The subject of the voicemails was opening another can of worms that she had long sealed shut.

Can you remember all the voicemails she left? No.

Can she remember the most important ones? Yes.

The thought of him listening to every single one in secret makes her cheeks burn. It was obvious that he was trying to keep it from Kathy, but why? She needed to know. He was literally keeping her voicemails secret… like they having an affair. Now she’s thinking about it, Bernie’s comment years ago about her scaring the pants of Kathy makes sense even though they were friends towards the end. It had made some sense back then but now she’s seeing the bigger picture. What Elliot had told Kathy was true, they really hadn’t spoken to each other for ten years but there had been some communication on her end. Though it had been one-sided.

Olivia didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She hadn’t been stupid or overreacting, Elliot had been in love with her and his wife had known probably since the start yet she had in denial and believed her feelings for him had only been one-sided. God, what an absolute clusterfuck. Maybe living in a parallel universe is what they needed to get their shit together and to be happy. The idea of him keeping a second phone purely just for her is mind-boggling. He was once again risking his marriage for her and she was completely unaware until now.

When that first voicemail had gone through, she’d been optimistic and had hoped that he would call her back. That call never came so she kept trying because she was not giving up on the man who had never given up on her until then. When he left without even saying a simple goodbye. Every single time she phoned that number, she was waiting for the inevitable ‘this number has been disconnected’ to screech in her ear and for her world to come crumbling down. But it never did.

I was raw when I left the station. It was like I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine but looked like me. It wasn’t out of body. I don’t know what to call it. I killed a kid, Liv. I killed someone’s daughter and I couldn’t cope. It felt like I had killed my own daughter… like I had killed Katie or Mo. Liv, the next thing I am going to write may be triggering for you and for that I am so fucking sorry.

In that moment, he had felt like she had when she thought she’d killed Lewis. It was most likely a trauma response but it fucks with your head even more. It makes you feel delusional and warps the distinction between what really happened and what your mind thinks happened. Killing a person never gets easier even with years of experience on the job. No one should ever have to take a life. The pain that she experienced when Noah had gone missing had been unbearable so she couldn’t even begin to imagine the sheer unbearableness of the pain he had felt after taking a young woman’s life.

That night was the first and only time I have ever thought about eating my gun.

Olivia was surprised by this as she suppressed a sob. The words weren’t triggering right now (something that she was thankfully for) but she couldn’t bear to even think about a life where Elliot was dead instead of thousands of miles away in a foreign country. But the images it created were. The glass of Cab on the table was taunting her as the colour of it morphed into that sickly blood red. It was almost like she could feel, smell and taste the metallic spray of it across her face. She felt sick to the point where she was ready to run to the bathroom. She thought back to Lewis’s blood splattered across her face after he had shot himself in front of her. The ringing in her ears. The feel of the blood drying on her face mixing with her salty tears. The red water rushing away down the sink drain.

Now was the right time for Olivia to take a break. She dumped the remaining cabernet down the drain without looking and then filled a glass with water. She kept herself occupied by rearranging the shoes in the rack and tidying the coats hung on the hook. Eventually, she was much calmer and her mind was less foggy. She decided to continue by taking up her previous spot and covering her legs with a blanket.

Of course I talked myself out of it. For my family. For you. I couldn’t be a coward like my father thought I was. I did try and talk myself into coming back to the precinct on multiple occasions throughout the week. On that day after I’d been gone for a good few hours, I got in my car (that I shouldn’t have been driving) and made it about a quarter of the way back before I had to pull over and think. My thoughts were all jumbled and made no sense. I was in no fit state to do anything. Everyone kept calling me and I just turned my phone off. I saw all your texts. They helped but didn’t even make a dent in the pain.

Kathy was at home dealing with Eli and worried sick. I always wondered if she contacted you or Cap and asked for help. I didn’t go home for almost three days. I stayed in some sleezy motel, paid cash for everything and forced myself to process. I think I borrowed a phone charger from the kid behind the desk just so I could keep reading your texts and listening to your voicemails.

Her importance to him was not lost to her and it had always been obvious not just to her but to everyone who knew them but reading that he didn’t kill himself because he still wanted to be here for her and his family felt like it was opening an old wound. Having to choose between saving his job or saving his partner. Though the Gitano situation had been slightly different. He had chosen to ‘save’ her and a kid paid the price. This time he was paying the price because of his (justified) actions and Jenna’s actions.

The level-headedness of El’s recount was impressive and to her, it shows that he did work on himself and processing it while he was gone. It still haunts him and she would be more concerned if it didn’t. everything he experienced were well documented trauma responses and he had nothing to be embarrassed about. Of course, even back then, in this new age of policing, the idea around mental health and trauma in the workplace was still taboo. It was reassuring to know that he did get and read her texts even if it’s ten years too late. It didn’t surprise her that he didn’t go home. How was he supposed to the mother of his children about his absolutely soul-destroying day at work and then ask how she was doing? Long story short, all his actions after the shooting seem logical given the state he was in.

I sent my papers to Cap. He replied to me in a letter and while he understood, he was pissed at me for a variety of things, some old, some new. He told me to call you even to just say that I was leaving, so we could say goodbye. I tried. I must have stared at your number for hours. My thumb would hover over the little call button but I couldn’t do it… because I knew if I heard your voice, I wouldn’t have been able to leave. Hearing you say my name after ranting about how I abandoned you and didn’t think to care as your partner. I couldn’t stay. The job was killing me slowly. I was having a crisis of my faith. You will always be my partner, Olivia.

Cragen calling her into his office and telling her that Elliot had put his papers in had broken her. There’s no need to beat around the bush. The heartbreak and anger at both the world and Elliot, she threw herself into work like always. It was the only way she knew to cope. She isn’t sure if she would’ve been able to handle a goodbye call. Or even saying goodbye for that matter even though it had one of the things that she had desperately wanted back then. Him confessing that she would be the only reason that he would’ve stayed was like a punch to the gut. She would have tried to convince him to stay but she couldn’t force him. He deserved the break and he had been given an opportunity but it had come at a price. Cragen had always been a father figure for them even if they pissed the poor man off and him trying to talk sense into Elliot wasn’t unexpected. It was welcomed and reminded her of late nights where he’d constantly badger them to eat or rest on a long case.

The job was killing him physically and mentally. Olivia herself had been in those shoes more times than she’d like to admit. This job wasn’t for everyone but for them, it had been. For her, it still is. The abandonment she had felt had left scars, not physical ones, but they were there and El was discovering them slowly. This was one of the conversations that they’ve been meaning to have and there was some avoidance from both parties because everything was raw especially after Kathy died. Now things aren’t so raw but not painfully so to the point where they can start to work through everything and hopefully end up on the same page.

Elliot’s crisis about his faith was new to Olivia. There had been times when they were partners that he had questioned his faith but never in this severity. While she wasn’t religious, she could understand why one would question this supposed faith and it’s goodness when you see the absolute horrors that man can do to people. The emphasis on ‘crisis’ is what really drew her attention. He wasn’t just questioning it; he was having an intense difficulty in understanding just how faith had been helping him. how it was going to help him through his trauma.

No partner that she had or could have after him could ever replace him. Nick had tried to fill that void and been unsuccessful. Elliot Stabler would always be her partner for better or worse.

That’s why I sent you the medallion. It was my way of saying that I was always going to be faithful to you whether we were sat opposite each other in a squad room or across the globe from each other in different time zones. I never stopped thinking about you, about whether you were happy, whether you had taken the exams and earned yourself promotions. Prior to my earlier naïve belief, you were made to be an SVU detective. You were made to be a captain. The job was never easy. There was always far too much baggage but you made it work. You deserve the world, Liv.

The note that had come with the medallion was tucked away in her desk in the study. She always kept it close, especially since he returned. The gun that held the mini badge was still in lock-up but she had managed to obtain the badge back with some totally legal bribing. The badge was tainted, thanks to Lewis, but it still held some sentimental value to her. Even though Elliot was questioning his faith, he still knew that he was faithful to her.

She never stopped thinking about him. God knows she tried. Eventually, she had given up fighting it. He would always be a part of her life whether she liked it or not. When she joined the police, her goal had solely been to make a difference and a potential rise through the ranks was just an added bonus. Now, her rank was useful for other purposes and the money was definitely needed with the current climate and Noah’s lessons at Dance. She remembers when she passed the Lieutenant exam and she had so desperately craved reaching out to him but she refrained (given the continued silence on his end). Her first year at SVU was the time where he had doubted her the most and looking back, she doesn’t blame him. She really was struggling and was afraid to admit it but it did work out and for the better. She still didn’t believe that she deserved the world but she had come to accept that she deserved happiness and a family.

That first year in Italy, when I would lie awake at night, I would wish that it was you with me, rather than my wife. You would love it. Noah would love it. I always wondered why I thought like that but now it’s making sense to me. I have been in love with you for so long. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to admit that. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for not contacting you in those ten years I was gone.

The Elliot that came back is a completely different man to the one that left and that fills her with hope. There was still much work for him to do on a personal level, as was the same with her, but this new found communication was working. Communication around personal feelings and relationships had never been their strong suit.

Olivia had already warned him when he had given her the first letter that she’d rather not think about how different Italy would’ve been if it was her there with him. She was frozen to the bone as her son played in the snow and Elliot talked about how he never experienced snow in Italy. That was still a train of thought that she had no right to think. It was still hard to welcome the thought that he had been in love with her for so long. The openness was new and would take some getting used to. To anyone else, the apologies might be overkill but to her, they were sufficient and needed in some weird affirming way. 

I was terrified.

Not of you.

I was terrified of myself and what I was willing to do… for you.

In a parallel universe, it will always be you and I. I mean that.

The honesty of it was killing her slowly and the thought of him cutting contact for his own sake because he didn’t trust himself was supposed to be a comfort to her but it wasn’t. It just left her with even more questions and blame on herself even though she did nothing wrong. Oh, she knows he meant it but it doesn’t change the current fucked up universe they live in. In a universe they have tainted and warped by their behaviour and their feelings for each other.

As for the communication, well lack of, I came to the realisation that I had been holding you back. Well, that’s what it felt like to me. You spent those twelve years in my shadow. You were and are destined for great things and I couldn’t live with myself if I held you back any longer. We were loyal to each other but we didn’t care enough about ourselves. I feel like I’m explaining this all wrong but I don’t know how I can explain it any other way. You made a name for yourself without my history tainting it.

To her, he had never held her back. She had been holding herself back for a few different reasons but he was one of them.  Their loyalty had been tested but it always remained strong even through the hardest times of their partnership. His history had come back to bite her in the ass when he returned and she let him into interrogation with their suspect. Garland had been lived especially after reading El’s jacket and her backing her former partner up. Justifying her actions both to her boss and to herself.

God there were so many times during a case or when we did all those expensive touristy things… There was always something that reminded me of you or something that I knew you’d love. Kathleen missed you the most. Eli learnt about you and was happy that you’d been there for his mom. The twins cared but they were grown enough to know about how difficult adult relationships can be. Kathy wouldn’t mention you explicitly but she made some references. I wanted to talk about you. I did sometimes to Kathleen when we were alone but never much. Not as much as I would’ve liked. The job I had was great. It didn’t keep me away from my family as much as SVU had (apart from the times where I avoided going home and blamed the job).

Kathleen had always been her favourite of the Stabler children and would do anything for her. She shared the same sentiment with the other Stablers but Katie had a special place in her heart. It didn’t shock her to find that she had been missed. With Eli learning about Olivia and her presence at his birth, it made some sense as to why he had been okay with her being there when he had disappeared and framed for a murder. She remembers the twins growing up and how Dickie had asked that one dangerous question in interrogation. Ever sleep with your partner, detective?

It came as no surprise that Kathy had prevented any real conversation about her which wasn’t entirely fair on the kids (in her opinion) but she wasn’t about to argue with a dead woman. It was in the past and that could stay there. It also didn’t surprise her that Elliot and Kathleen did speak about her given how close the pair of women had come before and after she started her treatment for Bipolar.

It should pain Olivia to know that he was happy out there but it doesn’t because she had periods of happiness herself. More so when Noah came into her life. They both deserved happiness but they both wished it was with each other.

I drafted texts, practiced what I was going to say to you or your voicemail and I even wrote a letter which I later shredded because no number of words could make up for the way I abandoned you. I did the thing that I promised I wouldn’t do. If I could take it all back, I would. At the same time, I wouldn’t. does that make me crazy?

If it makes him crazy, then that makes her crazy as well. One letter or call would have been enough for her back then. Now she knows where he stood emotionally, she partly understands why he struggled to reach out. Does it justify the ten years? Absolutely not but she was willing to take whatever explanation she could get now.

When I’d have coffee at midnight, I would think about that night on the stoop of the shitty apartment I was renting and how I teased you for having a flower in your cup. how you recited my words back at me.

You’re the longest relationship I’ve ever had with a man, who else would put up with me?

I did. Still do.

And there was someone after me who did and I hope he made you happy. Made Noah happy. I’m sorry for not being the man you deserved. But I hope, with time, I can be that for you.

Looks like that compass worked after all – El.

Those words were imprinted on to her soul. Ironically, they still ring true to this day because none of her relationships had lasted for a long time. There was only one that might have gone the whole way but it didn’t. maybe it was a sign from the universe. Or maybe deep-down Olivia knew that her heart was meant for the one person she couldn’t have.

She did let a little laugh escape her lips as she realised that he was still willing to put up with her even after all these years. They still knew how to tease each other and she had missed it. she had also missed their synchronicity and that shared wavelength of communication without using words.

Without even realising she was doing it, her left hand started fiddling with the compass. It had become her lifeline when she had needed it and now it was his.

The compass had led them to each other. To happiness. To the love they rightful deserve.

Later, when Olivia had climbed into bed, she opened up her text thread with Elliot. It had been almost a week since she’d stayed at his apartment after finishing her story and they had only been able to communicate via text and the odd call. For the only call, Noah had come for dinner in her office and got to speak to Elliot for a few minutes. Both had been busy with their own cases. It only felt right to text him before she attempted to rest.

O: Can we meet for coffee or lunch over the weekend? I need to talk to you.

E: Name your place and time. I’ll be there.

O: Coney Island. Our bench. 12pm. Sunday.

Chapter Text

Olivia wraps her coat a little tighter around herself as she sits down on the bench. The sun is warm but it’s windy making that chill a little more biting. The sky itself was mostly clear with the odd cloud dotted around. Her trainers squeaked against the wood as she shuffled her feet, making her cringe. There were a few people milling about but it wasn’t packed, something she was grateful for. For once, she had arrived early. Only a few minutes before 12pm so that’s early to her. Recently, she’s been late to most places and meetings. She was nervous but not to the point where she wanted to back out.

Elliot wasn’t fairing much better as he walked to their bench. Mama had had a bad morning and he had thought about cancelling on Olivia, knowing that she would understand but with Kathleen and Maureen’s help, they had managed to settle Bernie. Looking up from his phone, he could see Olivia sitting there in her casual white trainers and her long black coat. Her hair blowing lightly in the breeze and to him, she’s never looked more beautiful.

“Right on time, my friend” Olivia greets him with a slight teasing lilt in her smooth voice.

He chuckles as he stops right in front of her, forcing her to look up at him. Those dim-sized pupils and that damn head tilt making his heart stutter. She looked happy which is surprising given what they’re here to talk about. She gestures to the open spot beside her and he follows her lead. He sits, their thighs touching and it reminds him of old times in cramped diner booths, in coffee shops and nights in the shitty old lounge at the precinct with questionable takeout.

“I read-”

“You got my-”

They start to speak at the same time and it ends up just sounding like a bunch of gibberish. It wasn’t awkward as they both laughed. It was refreshing to be laughing together. Their shoulders brush and her hair tickled his cheek as it blows in the wind. The silence lapses in and it gives her a chance to try again.

“I read your letter. El, I understand why you left. I understood back then. But what I didn’t understand was why you didn’t reach out? I…no, we didn’t get to say goodbye. I wanted closure. I deserved it and that might make me selfish but I spent the best part of twelve years at your side, helped you through some of the hardest times, I birthed your youngest and shared things that no one knew and you gave me nothing back. A text would’ve sufficed even if it was two or eight years later. Even a fucking postcard would’ve been enough. It might have broken me again but I would have worked through it. I understand that for that first year, you still weren’t yourself and trying to find a new work-life balance with your new job. I’m not holding that against you but those other nine years? I’d love to hear a reason for those, what, three thousand two hundred and eighty-five days where you didn’t contact me. I’ve got all day. Tell me that I’ve got it wrong somehow but do not lie to me,” The shake in her voice was far noticeable than she hoped as her unintentional rant falls from her lips. She’s been waiting so long for answers and now she’s finally getting them, her list of questions is increasing.

He clears his throat and looks out at the vast expanse of water. The tide is in quite far today even though it’s a nice day. “I always knew you’d understand why I left. The job had become too much and like I wrote in the letter, it was killing me. It changed me and I could slowly see myself deteriorating. I would go home and just pretend I was fine. I was lying to my wife… and you. Each case was taking a toll and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t talk to my wife. I wanted to talk to you. I tried so many times but, in the end, I just couldn’t do it. I was scared of what you’d think of me. As much as the job was killing me, losing it was the least of my worries. I was terrified of losing you. What happened in the squadroom was the final straw. Deep down, somehow, I knew that I could never go back. I will always be proud of what I achieved at SVU, that sounds oddly morbid but I’m sure you understand what I mean. I cannot apologise enough for my actions for those nine years. I deeply regret not reaching out. It was something I chose to do like I chose to keep running. Your voicemails were a lifeline for me. I would listen to them whenever I could. I missed you… so much that it hurt. I was having the time of my life in Italy and I was still hung up on you.” 

Elliot could feel Olivia’s gaze on him as he kept his gaze trained on the water. The rhythmic splash and whoosh of the waves. The warmth radiating from his partner and her loud, steady breathing all mingled into a sound like he would like to hear forever.

“I missed you too… so fucking much and you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve to be my first thought all the time whether it was work-related or personal. When I made Sergeant, I wondered if you would’ve been proud of me. When I made Lieutenant, I had that exact same thought. Each time, it hurt. It was like a piece of me would shatter every time I thought about you to the point where there was nothing of me left. You almost took my heart with you. There was so much of my life, good and bad, that missed you. I stupidly even expected you to turn up out of the blue one day. I told myself that you’d move on. I tried to move on. I fell in love, went to Paris and I fully believed that it was going to work out. It didn’t. Fate had other plans for us. Tucker had given me something that I had craved. The stability. Our version of normalcy. The happiness you kept telling me that I deserved.

The happiness I wanted with you.

While I was in love with Tucker… I was still in love with you. I tried to fall out of love with you but I couldn’t. It had been year since you’d left but I was hung up on you, too. I couldn’t breathe at times. You were the single most important person in my life. You lost me. I lost myself for a good while until I realised that you were never coming back. You made a choice without letting me say my piece. One that affected us and undid everything we built together. I grieved. I mourned the loss of our friendship, our partnership and most importantly, our relationship.”

She forced herself to look at him as she said every single word with tears threatening to spill. The pressure of their thighs together was sending her spiralling. He was leaning back now and his head was turned to her but he couldn’t meet her gaze. His eyes flited between her lips and her neck where the compass sits proudly. There was so much he wanted to say but he didn’t know where or how to start. Without even thinking, he shifts and gently wraps his arms around her shoulders. It takes a second but she reacts and lets her arms wrap around his bulky middle. They’re both stretching at weird angles but the comfort of the hug outweighs the pain.

Every time they shared a hug, it was like coming home. Like they slotted together perfectly like puzzle pieces. They were made for each other without even knowing it. The compass and the ship were back in sync and heading towards dry land together after being lost at sea for so long.

“I’m sorry and I know that’s never going to be enough. I’m trying to make things right. I wanted to be here to see your career progress. You deserve every promotion. I should have been a partner. I should have been here for you. I’m happy you found someone even if I wasn’t the guy’s biggest fan when I was at SVU. I know I don’t have any right to tell you who you should and shouldn’t date. If he made you happy, that’s all that matters to me. I left my heart right here with you. Every time we came back to the city, I would hope that we’d bump into you or see you across the street or in a bodega.”

Olivia pulled away and shoved his shoulder before exclaiming, “You came back?! and you didn’t even give me the time of day?”

He doesn’t react to her push but he does realise that he’s fucked up again. That bit of information should have gone into the letter but he clearly forgot to include it. He sighs, “We only came back a handful of times to see Mama. Kathleen and I would run most of the errands in hopes of seeing you. I wanted to text you even Katie thought about reaching out. I wasn’t sure that you’d even want to see me.”

“I would’ve done anything to see you again. All you had to do was text and say ‘I’m in the city for a few days, can we meet up?’ and I would’ve made time for you. I always made time for you.” her reply was quiet and the hurt was evident in her voice.

“I should’ve handled it better; I know that now. I know I ruined the one good and stable relationship in your life. We risked everything for each other and I threw it back in your face but I swear I had good intentions, or so I thought.”

“The problem is you don’t think. You just decided without thinking about how it would affect me. When Cragen told me that you’d put your papers in, I left his office and had a breakdown in an empty interrogation room. You only thought of yourself. I’m sorry that you felt like you had to leave. I don’t blame you for that. As much as I want to say that times have changed, they haven’t unfortunately. I’m sorry for not speaking up when I noticed that you were struggling. Last time I had tried to help, it drove a bigger wedge between us. Would I have attempted to convince you to come back? Yes, but if you’d been open with me, I wouldn’t have pressed. But Elliot, the thought of you wanting to take your own life… that terrified me. I had no idea that you felt that way. We already pay such a high price for the work we do. I’m so fucking happy that you’re still here today. Getting out was good for you. We could sit and talk about how different our lives would’ve been if you hadn’t left but we don’t need to do that. It doesn’t change anything.” Their knees bumped as she watched him absorb every word she just said.

A group of people loudly passed them and it was a stark reminder of where they were. They were in the safety of Elliot’s patio or the safety of her apartment. They were out in the world where no one knew who they were or what they have been through. To these people, they probably looked like a couple who were arguing. Just one more tally to add to the ‘people mistaking them for a couple’ board. Wordlessly, they stand and begin a slow walk along the boardwalk until they find a food stand. He orders a tea for her and a coffee for himself.

Drinks in hand and made to their likings, they continue their walk. The silence is welcomed again. They walk so close together that their shoulders brush again. It gets a little busier as they make their way around the attractions. Olivia’s mug gets knocked and she rolls her eyes at the guy who wasn’t watching where he was walking. Elliot shot the guy a death stare after making sure that she was okay.

The crowd dwindled down as they reached the end. There was a couple sat on one of the benches taking photos and the other benches were free but they opted to stand with their feet tucked under the bottom of the railing. There was no space between them. She was shorter than usual without her heels and her head was at the right height to rest on his upper arm. The material of his coat was cold on her warm cheek. He switched his cup to his left hand so he didn’t knock her head when he took a sip. Now they looked like a couple to the outside world.

They were not at that stage yet but they were heading there slowly. All this talking had done them good but it still doesn’t fix everything. The healing for both of them was going to take time and it was clear that they were open to healing together.

“In some weird way, I was always faithful to you too. Do you think we’d be okay in a parallel universe?” Her voice is carried with the wind but he heard her loud and clear.

“I think we will be okay in this universe.” She heard him loud and clear and this time she found herself believing him.

They stood at the end of the boardwalk for a good twenty minutes just watching the waves and basking in each other’s company without the pressure of talking. There were still somethings to talk about and they had time. She thinks back to the intervention, the first letter, the night he turned up at her apartment high, mother’s day, the Christmas invite, him picking Noah up after the Oscar Papa case, the moment in her kitchen where she’d told him she wasn’t ready because she was scared it wouldn’t work out, the ‘liv, love laugh,’ and the compass. There were more moments but those were the most important to her.

Their bench is occupied when they return and neither mind. They stop at a different stall because Olivia wants to buy something for Noah. It takes her about ten minutes to find a snow globe with the boardwalk and a family walking down it. The son of the family has his head thrown back and he’s clearly laughing at something while his parents are holding hands and watching their son.

Elliot and Olivia share a knowing look but no words are shared. They finish their walk and head back to their cars. They stop by his car and she is surprised to see the ‘liv, laugh, love’ ornament hanging on his rearview mirror. The realisation hits her like a tonne of bricks. The normalcy she’s been afraid of is slowly becoming a reality. She’s not cured of normalitis but she is working on it.

He laughs almost nervously when he follows her gaze to his mirror. The ornament didn’t stay there all the time given he also used this SUV as his work car and he wouldn’t hear the end of it from Ayanna. When it wasn’t hanging in his SUV, it would sit haphazardly on his desk.

“I take it you didn’t regret your decision to keep it, Doctor Stabler?” The return of her teasing lilt made him smile as he shook his head.

“Certainly not. I said I was going to treasure it and I meant that.” His tone was a mix of teasing and sentimental which made her smile.

“I’m glad because I’m certainly treasuring the gift I got in return.”

Olivia was facing him now with her back pressed against the front of the car. Elliot was hovering over her as his hand ghosted her waist. It reminds them of their corner in the hallway at OCCB where they exchanged small talk and held each other’s hands longer than strictly necessary. The progress they had made over the past two weeks was monumental and while she had firmly believed that she wasn’t ready recently after their moment in her kitchen. Now, today as they embraced their past and their future, she was on firmer ground and wasn’t too worried about him leaving again. For him, he now knew where Olivia stood in regards to his abrupt departure years ago and how he regrets some of his actions. But also, for both of them, the acceptance of these feelings that they’ve shared for each other for almost two decades now.

They pause. Their noses brush as he ducks his head down. Their foreheads touch and they’re transported back to her kitchen. This time she doesn’t have to hunt for sugar as a distract. She is where she wants to be. Where she deserves to be even if they’re still processing and learning how to be there for each other.

“What if it does work out?” Olivia paraphrases those words he had said to her that night in her kitchen with a new found confidence.

“Then we’ll have our parallel universe. The happiness we deserve.” Their breaths mingle as they share whispered words.

There’s still hesitation from them both and that’s normal. It’s good for them to experience something normal given their lives have never been normal to the point where they made their own normalcy. They were both unique people who had been dealt with some shitty life cards but they survived because they harboured strength from each other and trust the other with their life. Their bond always remained even when apart, even when they weren’t talking because he was grieving and she was dealing with his return and even when they were talking but it was tense and minimal.

Elliot inches closer and Olivia swears their lips brush for a microsecond. All she can think about is how she’d imagined herself being his years ago when he was supposed to get divorced from Kathy. It devastated her when he’d returned to Kathy but she just wanted him happy. She’d chided herself for being naïve back then, thinking that he wanted her and was willing to give her a life where she was happy. It had unfortunately done some serious damage to her willingness to commit to relationships even after he’d left.

Now in 2024, Olivia was in the same position but with much more trauma, a son and a family. She knew he wanted her now and all those years ago but the timing had never been right. He wanted to make her happy and she wanted to be happier. Her fear of intimacy was not going to win. The damage she had done to herself was being fixed. She was healing. He was healing. They were together again.

“Lost you there for a second” his voice brings her back and she ducks her head slightly so her forehead knocks his nose.

“I’m sorry” it’s soft, shy almost as she replies, looking down at her trainers and how the tips touch his worn boots.

 He breathes out a “Liv, it’s okay” as his fingers find her chin and lightly tilt her head back up so their eyes meet.

“Can we get out of here?”

He hums his agreement and before she can move, he presses a kiss to her cheek. It takes her by surprise momentarily but it doesn’t stop her from smiling like a teenager who just had her first kiss with her crush. They part and Olivia immediately misses his warmth. Before he can get into his SUV, she grabs his bicep and pulls him close so she can stand on tiptoes and return the cheek kiss.

Once they are in their respective vehicles, Elliot texts her.

Your place or mine?

Her phone automatically connects to the car screen and the text alert makes her jump. The text itself makes her smile with a mix of apprehension and appreciation. She hadn’t really known what to say or do when he had pinned against the car. She loved their closeness and the ease of it but her brain was still stopping her from making that final jump. The kiss on the cheek was sweet and so them.

She digs her phone out of her pocket and without second guessing herself, she sends her reply.

Mine.

Chapter Text

They met outside her building. Her car was parked in her usual spot. His was a little further down the block. They walked in together and the sweet guy behind the desk smiled. The elevator ride was quiet and she spent it with him pressed into her side. Their hands brushing and their gazes meeting in the mirrored cab. When they reached her floor, he let her lead.

Once inside her apartment, Olivia tells him to hang his coat on the rack and put his shoes anywhere on the shoe rack while she checks in with Noah who was heading home from a birthday party. Elliot lingers in the sitting room, giving her space to talk to her son and settle. He takes a tour around and looks at all the photos dotted around the room. Most were of her and Noah. One of Serena was tucked away behind some other frames. There were two of her and Fin. But none of them together. He wasn’t offended by that. He would’ve been more surprised to find pictures of them on display.

“You snooping?” Olivia’s voice breaks his thoughts and he laughs.

“Just admiring, not snooping. Noah is gorgeous, like his mama.” He teases with this new found confidence that makes her blush.

“Thank you. Do you need anything to drink?”

“Nah, I’m good.”

Tired of lingering, she takes up her usual spot on the couch while Elliot makes himself comfortable in one of the arm chairs. It feels strange having him here again after that moment in the kitchen. She’s definitely more comfortable with him being here and he seem to fit. She wishes he hadn’t sat so far away. She missed his warmth.

“Noah will be home soon. You ready for my almost teenager to interrogate you? He’s been dying to know more about you since mother’s day. I’ve told him a few bits.” Olivia turns to him and watches how he shifts.

“Well unlucky for him because I’m good under pressure and open to answering his questions. He already knows that I was your old partner.”

She clears her throat, remembering how he’d found some pictures of her and Elliot when they’d been looking through the box for some for a school project. His first reaction hadn’t been “Who is that?” instead all he had said was “you looked happy with your friend” and after he’d gone to bed that night, she spent about forty minutes looking for a spare frame for that one photo… that now lives on her bedside table.

“Yeah, he found a picture of us and I told him that you were my old partner. He didn’t really seem too interested after that until we bumped into you. He understands I can’t talk about work, though sometimes I have and he tries to help. But I think he wants to learn about me. He has always been curious, even as a baby. When I found him, he was so small but inquisitive.”

“Found him?”

“Shit. Yea, it’s a very long story-”

“Liv, it doesn’t matter. He’s your son. You’re a great mom. That’s all that matters.”

Her “thank you” is whispered. Her chest tight like she couldn’t breathe.

He inches closer but doesn’t leave the chair. She holds out her hand which he takes immediately and squeezes gently. They sit like that until Noah comes bursting through the door, talking a mile a minute. The pair don’t separate straight away and her son is none the wiser to what he’d interrupted.

Without even telling him to, Noah kicks off his shoes and then puts his bag into his room. Olivia watches her son who finally notices Elliot as he enters the sitting room with his switch and a paper bag. He thrusts the bag at his mother who looks confused but she accepts it as he sits down next to her. Elliot is watching the whole scene unfold with a soft smile.

“It’s heavy” Olivia points out as she pretends to lift it like a weight.

“Mom! You might break it,” Noah rolls his eyes and is practically sitting on the edge of his seat as he waits. She unrolls the top of the bag and peeks inside. When she realises what it is, she has to hold back tears. It’s one of those decorate your own picture frames. She pulls it out and is even more surprised by the photo inside it. She had expected it to be of her and Noah. What she hadn’t been expecting was a candid photo of her and Elliot at Fin and Phoebe’s not-so-wedding. Her son had clearly been scheming behind her back because she knew that Fin was the only one who had the original photo. The frame itself was white but the attention to detail that Noah had used was brilliant. The design was supposed to replicate the city and had little drawings of things that meant something to them as partners. Little tea cups with flowers, Chinese takeout cartons, a mini compass and the holiday red colour that reminded her of the ornament that hung proudly in his car.

“Noah, this is-” she cut herself off when she felt hot tears slipping down her cheeks. Noah immediately hugged her.

Elliot squeezed himself into the space next to Noah. He didn’t say or do anything, just using his presence to remind her that he’s here. When he laid eyes on the frame, he was also overcome with emotion. It was clear to the pair that Fin had helped and that her son was far more observant than she thought. Fin had been the one to work out that the compass was a gift from Elliot and that it was significant.

“I’m sorry for making you cry” Noah eventually spoke, pulling back slightly but still kept his arms around her neck.

“Baby, it’s okay. These are happy tears.” Olivia’s voice was watery and her eyes weren’t on her son, they were on Elliot who wasn’t fairing much better.

“Elliot?”

“Yes, Noah?”

“We need to talk.”

Elliot shot Olivia a look and she smirked. She had warned him but knowing her son, he wasn’t going to do any harm. He was just looking out for his mom and wanted to make sure she was happy. Today was an indication that they were getting there, even with the complications and lost time. Noah decided that this talk should take place in the sitting room while Olivia took a trip out to the grocery store. It was her way of giving them privacy without lingering and potentially interrupting the conversation. She also trusted Elliot to look after her son and be gentle. She was sure that Elliot would tell her all about it once her son was in bed.

---

“Mom told me that you were her old partner. Why did you leave?” Noah was straight to the point and it reminded him of Olivia when she had something important to say or she was chewing him out for being a dick.

“Well, there was a pretty serious incident at work which I got in trouble for and I decided to leave. I didn’t tell anyone I left.”

“Not even my mom?”

“No, and that is something I regret. But Noah, I wasn’t thinking straight and back then, mental health wasn’t as understood as it is now. So, I thought leaving was the best thing for me which it was eventually but I didn’t think about how it would affect the people around me.”

“Mom never really spoke about you until I asked. We found a picture of you two together and then years later, we bumped into you on mother’s day which when I started asking more questions.”

“That’s okay. It’s still hard for me to talk about it so I can imagine how much it hurt your mom to even think about me. We were very close. I was the only family she had and I abandoned her which I had promised not to do.”

“Did you talk after you left? like years later?”

Elliot shook his head and took a deep breath. Sensing the slight shift in the mood, Noah moved closer to him and passed him a pillow. It took El a second to realise why and he couldn’t stop the small smile that formed on his lips. It was Olivia’s pillow and it smelt like her. Her son was observant enough to realise that he needed comfort and that his comfort was her.

“No, we didn’t but that’s my fault. Your mom kept calling and texting but I didn’t call back or reply. I was scared and that might sound silly but I was happy in Italy.”

“But not as happy as you’d hoped?”

“Something like that. My kids loved it there. So did my wife.”

The mention of his wife made a light bulb turn on in Noah’s head. Of course, he was being told a very abridged version but he was smart and Elliot was letting him fill in the gaps to an extent.

“You were scared because mom would try and convince you to come back? that makes sense, she can be very persuasive.”

Elliot laughed, pulling the pillow tighter to his chest, “Yes, she can be but that was only one of the reasons I was scared. I have a family and a new job that I loved.  And your mom? She was kicking ass and doing better without me. At the time, I didn’t know that but I had a feeling right here in my heart that she was okay even when life got hard for her. Your mom has always been a fighter and fearless. She would do anything to help people and I’m proud of her. Always have and always will be.”

Noah smiled, “I’m proud of mom too. I don’t really tell her because it seemed weird. Was your job like mom’s?”

“Uh, sometimes it was but working those cases didn’t feel the same without my true partner.”

“Are you happy now?” Noah wore that familiar pondering face that belonged to his mother. The little head tilt was even included.

Elliot had to stop and think because even though Noah wasn’t biologically hers, he was so much like her that it was uncanny. But Noah’s question did have him slightly stumped because he was happy but he could be happier with her when she’s ready, “For a while, I wasn’t because my wife died. Now, I’m working towards happiness, just like your mom.”

“I’m sorry about your wife.”

“Thank you, kid. Your mom and Kathy, my wife, were friends before we left.”

“Mom went to her funeral, I think?”

“Yeah, she did. My kids and I are very grateful for what your mom has done for us.”

“I’m glad she’s helping you. She’s good at it.”

“You’re right but it hasn’t been easy for her and I haven’t been the most supportive friend either.”

“But mom understands why, right?”

“She didn’t know everything but now I’ve stopped being scared, we’ve talked and we’re working on things.”

“Together?”

“Yes, and by ourselves.”

There’s a lull in the conversation as the young boy processes everything they’ve discussed. It’s a lot for both of them but in different ways. For Elliot, it’s about him owning his mistakes, forgiving himself and making amends in a way. For Noah, it’s learning about the most important man in his mom’s life before he left and now, he’s returned. Also, for him to understand that Elliot has good intentions and is hoping to be around more for him and Olivia.

Noah wanders off into the kitchen and returns with a glass of water for Elliot and a glass of orange juice for himself. Elliots phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out immediately just to check that it isn’t work. It’s Olivia.

How’s it going?

Better than I expected. More of a conversation than interrogation.

That’s good. How’s he coping?

He seems to be okay. Plenty of questions.

That’s my boy. I’ll be home in twenty. It’s busy.

Take your time. We’re on a short break.

He slipped his phone back into his pocket once the ‘delivered’ changed to ‘read’ and turned his attention to the pre-teen sitting next to him. Noah was observing him closely with a small smile. He was definitely a schemer but has good intentions at heart. There was an ache in Elliot’s chest that increased every single time he looked at Noah but he couldn’t put his finger on the reason why.

“Mom’s been struggling recently. She pretends that she’s okay for my sake but I’m not little anymore and I know she does it to protect me. But I want her happy.”

“Noah, I also want her to be happy. Work hasn’t been easy for her. The case ended up becoming personal for her.”

“I guessed. She wasn’t sleeping properly and she wouldn’t take off this friendship bracelet.”

Elliot remembers the friendship bracelet from the press conference. It was barely noticeable to most but he’d spotted it when she’d adjusted her sleeves. He figured it was a bracelet but didn’t know it belonged to the victim until now. Of course, he’d had an inkling but he also considered the possibilities that Noah had given it to her.

“Y’know, your mom and I are alike. Most cases, I don’t sleep properly either. When my wife died, I didn’t sleep for months and I was in a bad way. Guess who encouraged me to get some rest and help?”

“My mom. She worries more about other people than herself.”

“That’s right and sometimes it’s okay to remind her or anyone who is struggling that you love them and that they need to rest even if it’s just a quick nap or eating something small. Your mom has this habit of skipping meals during cases and it drives me crazy. I was always reminding her to eat and bringing lunch or dinner to the old precinct.”

“She still skips meals because Uncle Fin would always tell her off and remind her to eat even when she got home. He’d always text her too.”

“Sounds like Fin. He always has her back.”

“Like you had it?”

Elliot nods and makes a mental note to thank Fin for everything he’s done for Olivia (and Noah) while he was gone. She needed a friend and she had one to the point where they’re almost like brother and sister. His heart aches. She had a brother. The only other member of her blood family was gone. Her found family was still going strong.

“Thanks for looking after my mom. She loves you.”

“No need to thank me, it’s my job to protect her. I love her too.”

“I need you to promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“Promise that you won’t leave her again.”

“I promise. There might be times where I have to leave for work but I will always tell her when I’m leaving this time, okay?”

Noah held out his pinky and Elliot immediately wrapped his larger pinky around it. They shared a smile and Elliot knew then that he had Noah’s approval. The sound of a key in the lock broke the moment and Noah was up opening the door once the lock clicked open. Elliot watched as the mother and son ferried the groceries into the kitchen and Noah put away anything that he was handed. They made a good team.

“Staying for dinner?” Olivia’s voice was hopeful. Noah was watching them interact intently.

“If the man of the house says it’s okay” he winked at Noah who laughed.

“Yeah, it’s okay. He’s allowed dinner privileges.”

Olivia looked between the two and shook her head in amusement. Noah left her alone once the groceries were away and convinced Elliot to play Mario Kart with him. He had to remind El of the controls because he kept reversing instead of going forward during the first race of a 50CC Grand Prix.

Just before dinner was ready, Olivia let Noah skip his chore of setting the table and did it herself as the racers were on their last race. She didn’t mind as it was heartwarming to see them getting on and laughing. When she could, she’d watched them and listened to Noah telling stories about all different things. Two stories included her and Elliot’s attention was certainly more focused.

At dinner, Elliot told some stories about Rome and the history of places where he visited. Noah was hanging onto his every word and she realised that she could finally listen to his stories without feeling the overwhelming sadness. There were hints of sadness but mostly, she felt acceptance. Their lives had been completely different and that was okay. Life wasn’t easy at the best of times and now she understands why he left. His behaviour was still hard to understand but she was working on it. Elliot was also working on himself and processing everything she had told him.

After dinner, Noah retreated to his room and left the adults alone. Elliot insisted on helping Olivia with the washing up. They didn’t share conversation just worked in sync. Once everything was washed and dried, the pair made themselves comfortable on the couch again. A small glass of cab for her and a water for him. at first, they sat at opposite ends of the couch but she moved closer so she could rest her head on his shoulder. The TV was on in the background with some cooking show that neither of them had any remote interest in.

“Tell me how it went” Olivia mumbled, glass of cabernet resting on her thigh and eyes closed.

“Well like I said, he had plenty of questions. Some I didn’t expect, if I’m honest. The one thing that stood out was Noah knowing that you’re in love with me. He’s a smart kid and can read you like a book. He’s so much like you, Liv.”  Elliot’s voice was hushed, just loud enough for her to hear. It was like a familiar, warm hug.

“I always wondered if he’d worked it out especially after mother’s day and the answers I gave him when he asked. It wasn’t easy to talk about you but I tried for him because he seemed so interested in learning about that part of my life. There were parts I intentionally left out because of the pain and he didn’t need to hear all of our trauma. I already worry that I expose him to too much with my job.” She opens her eyes and shifts her head so she can look up at him.

He also shifts so he can look at her as he speaks “It’s a good thing that he wants to learn but that doesn’t make it easy. No one should ever have to suffer what we’ve suffered and keeping him safe is the only option. But Liv, he’s exposed because of social media, not just because of you, okay?”

“I know and I can’t ban him from social media as much as I wish I could. I try not to bring work home with me but sometimes I just can’t leave it in my office or squadroom. The Maddie Flynn case helped me realise things that I hadn’t even began to work on and pushed me to work on them. Maddie and this compass opened up new ways for me to heal and guided me to happiness. Knowing my son, he would’ve asked for at least one promise.”

“I promised to never leave again without telling you. I told him that I might have to leave for work and he understood but I know why he made me promise. He asked about me leaving and I was honest about how I left and how my behaviour was unacceptable. He’s looking out for you.”

“And himself. He’ll get attached and if you left like you did ten years ago, he wouldn’t be the same. It’d break us. I wouldn’t be able to forgive you again. It almost killed me once.”

The cabernet swished dangerously in Olivia’s glass as she moved again. Without thinking, he takes the glass from her and holds it until she’s comfortable. She’s repositioned herself so her head is resting on his chest right by his heart. The steady thump reassuring and the reminder that she needs.

He isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Neither is she as he steals a sip of her cab and wraps an arm around her. This is what happiness feels like.

Chapter Text

It’s been almost two weeks since Coney Island and the evening in her apartment with Noah. They’ve been working a case together which meant late nights at work and cheap takeout in her office. Ayanna had made a few comments about Elliot spending more time at his girlfriend’s office than at OCCB and Elliot’s replies varied between bringing up his prior career at SVU and Olivia not being his girlfriend yet. Fin had been teasing Olivia about Elliot basically camping out in her office with her and asked who was the little spoon. She’d flipped him off and told him to behave. Bruno had started a betting pool that she wasn’t supposed to know about but knew about because she’d overheard a conversation between him and Fin. She knew that the pool was about her and Elliot but she assumed it was a bet on them kissing (it was not).

Tonight wasn’t much different to the others that they’d had for the past two weeks. She’d sent the squad home so they could get some much-needed rest and she wasn’t much further behind them with Elliot pacing around in her squadroom as she packed up her laptop and shoved some files into her bag. Her phone started ringing and she struggled to answer it with her hands full but she made it work. Elliot’s attention was now on her as she listened to the person on the other end but her ears started ringing and all she could hear was Lewis’s voice taunting her. Sensing something was off, he made his way into the office slowly, not to startle her and she was aware enough to hand the phone over.

He asked the officer to repeat the address and made an excuse for Olivia by saying she was called away by her ADA. The officer seemed understanding and then asked them to get here as soon as possible. Elliot agreed, thanked the officer and hung up. He dropped her phone on the desk, rushed to make a note on her endless supply of sticky notes before turning his attention to her.

While Elliot was processing the brief details the officer had given him, he encouraged her to sit and follow his breathing. It took a few minutes but her breathing started to even out. She was shaky and her eyes were glassy. He couldn’t quite work out what had triggered her. There was no mention of vodka, bounds, torture or anything that would remind her of him. The only thing left was the location of the assault.

Bathroom.

Now she had never mentioned anything about a bathroom, it unfortunately doesn’t surprise him that something might have happened when she had inevitably needed to go after he’d pour litres of vodka down her throat. Now what Lewis might have done to her in a bathroom wasn’t something he needed to think about right now. His priority was her. He stayed with her as he called Fin on his phone and relayed the information. Fin had been able to pick up on Elliot’s worried tone that this call from the officer had triggered Liv. He told El to look after her and make sure she was okay. He promised he would keep Fin updated.

Next, Elliot left the office for a few seconds to get her a cold cup of water and when he returned, he dimmed the lights slightly so the city illuminated the office better. While Olivia had explicitly said that light was overstimulating, he remembers her mentioning how she couldn’t sleep without a light on because of being shut in that car boot for hours. He resumed his sitting position on her desk as she continued to focus on her breathing.

“Hey Liv, I know you don’t feel like talking but I need you to name five things that you can see. Take your time, okay?” He kept his voice low and even so she knew he wasn’t angry, just worried.

Her shaky exhale pierces the cool air of her office.

 “My purse, my phone” a pause to breathe, “you, photo of Noah and pens.”

Elliot let out his own breath of relief as she seemed lucid enough to know her surroundings and name some items she could. Her shaking had calmed down but he could see how tense she was. He moved the plastic cup closer to her so she didn’t have to stretch too far. It was there if she wanted it, she didn’t have to drink from it. He wasn’t forcing her.

“Alright, that’s good. You did so good. Now I need four things you can touch.”

It took a few moments for her to compose herself again to form words. This time she did reach out for the cup and took a tiny sip. Once she knew it was safe and that she hopefully wasn’t going to bring it back up, she took a slightly bigger sip.

“My desk, paper, phone, uh…”

“It’s okay. There’s no pressure.”

“I can touch you” her voice cracked as she reached her hand out to rest on his arm.

Slowly, Elliot rested his right hand atop of hers on his left arm. She felt clammy but he could feel her pulse thrumming. She was here. Alive. Safe. with him.

He let their mixed breathing fill the room with subtle noise. Her little clock on the wall provided an accompanying beat. Their heartbeats were loud and in sync. It was rather comforting, not just her but for him. He wasn’t the one who had been triggered but that worry had taken his breathe away. He was also anxious but for entirely different reasons.

“Ready to continue?” He asked, though he needed her to finish the method.

She hums briefly, eyes trained on their hands and her boot tapping on the hard floor. She’d only just started tapping and he knew that it was a grounding method.

“Easy one, two things you can smell and if you say I smell bad, I just might cry.”

His little comment had drawn a small smile to her face and he smiled right back at her though she didn’t see it. Progress was slow but that didn’t bother him. The fact that she was responsive and okay with him being in her space told him all he needed to know. She had called him her anchor after all. Her compass.

“Stale coffee. Remnants of my perfume.”

It was his turn to hum. He stopped when he felt her ever so slightly squeeze his arm. The tapping had slowed but it was quieter. He looked down and she looked a bit more like herself. Exhausted but aware.

“Last one, one thing you can taste.”

“Peppermint.”

Olivia stands on shaky legs, almost like Bambi as she moves to slot herself between his legs. Elliot’s feet are placed firmly on the floor and when she’s slotted in, her thighs touch the inside of his knees. His hands hover at her sides. He checks in with her without using his words. She’s unsettled but slowly becoming less anxious. Lewis’s voice was now quieter in her head and the images had faded. Now her mind was focused on Elliot.

She watches as he raises his hand to cup her cheek, the pressure is light and she immediately presses her cheek into his large palm. The other hand rests on her waist to help keep her upright and she doesn’t mind. They’re moving at a comfortable pace given that mere minutes ago she was having a panic attack.

“Can we leave? A little drive might be nice.” Her voice is a tired whisper and her breath tickles the hair on his arm.

“Any specific destination?” his gaze drops to her lips momentarily before inching back up her face to her doe eyes.

“Your apartment.”

Elliot knows why Olivia picked his. She wants to see out on the patio and let herself get lost in the clear skies. He doesn’t mind and mentally praises himself for finally bringing out the new table and chairs. She’s going to love the little couch.

He finished packing her things up with her minimal guidance. He let her lead as she went about her usual routine when she was the last in the office and he didn’t mind her slow pace. She looked a lot less like Bambi on her feet now but she was still shaky. She left him to turn the lights off and took his keys so she could get settled in his car.

The ‘liv, love, laugh’ ornament greeted her as she opened the passenger door and the sob that ripped from her own throat startled her. The tears made her vision hazy as she forced herself to climbed into the SUV. As soon as her head hit the head rest, she closed her eyes and attempted unsuccessfully to will away the rest of the tears. Vaguely, she could hear footsteps approaching the car and his voice but she couldn’t work out if he was talking to her or not. The passenger door was still open and the almost constant breeze was welcomed. It reminded her that she was still in the city and not in some beach house with the potential spawn of Satan.

Wiping her face, Olivia focused her gaze on that stupid ornament and reminded herself that she was loved by the love of her life and everything they’ve been through had led them to these moments over the past few weeks. The conversations about mental health, trauma recovery, family and this undeniable love that they’ve harboured for each other for years. A love that didn’t disappear or fade while they were apart from so long. A love that didn’t become tainted by a person doing something to protect the other. A partnership, no, their partnership had always been about more than trust, it was this unbreakable, ionic bond between two soulmates who knew they needed the other but were too scared to take the plunge because they didn’t want to ruin this closeness and ruin the lives, they were building for themselves. They were more than friends, than partners, it’s like they were just made for each other.

When Elliot appeared at the open car door, she didn’t try and hide the fact that she’d been crying. She just let him see it without embarrassment. No words were shared as he leant into the cab and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Her arms found his middle and her nails dug half-moons into his coat. The ‘grounding grip’ was its new name as of two seconds ago and she laughed at herself. He didn’t know what she was laughing at but he joined in. god, they made a right pair. A pair that worked. Had always worked even when they were too close.

They separated and he pressed a delicate kiss to her forehead before closing the passenger door. Elliot was climbing into the driver’s seat in seconds after putting her bags on the back seat and she let herself relax. As soon as the engine turned on, she fiddled with his CarPlay. There was nothing in particular that she wanted on, it was purely just for background noise. Scrolling through his playlists, she found an 80s and 90s mix and just let it play on shuffle. If he had any qualms against her choice, he didn’t say anything.

They hit some traffic which slowed the blur of the city lights down. Olivia had been alternating between staring out the window and closing her eyes during a song that brought back memories. Her hand crept to the centre console as they rolled at a snail’s pace. Knowing this part of the city, the holdup was probably an accident because this area was notorious for speeding and racers. His hand joined hers and their fingers intertwined when they came to a standstill. Usually, they would both be antsy in traffic, but tonight, neither minded.

Cher’s voice faded out as they rolled about two inches. Both had opened their windows, like they would’ve done in the sedan years ago. The tap of her foot on the carpet of the SUV and his rhythmic tap of fingers on the steering wheel were all familiar to her. Those endless nights cooped up in those old sedans, with limited radio stations and cheap unhealthy food on a stakeout or those long mornings of traffic coming into or going out of the city. The nostalgia of the foundations of their partnership felt like home.

“Liv?” his voice filters through the introduction of Cyndi Lauper’s Time after Time.

She’s humming the tune but she turns her head towards him and she knows. She knows what he wants to do in that very moment and finally, she’s fucking ready. It’s the wrong place but it’s the right time. She’s ready. He’s ready.

The chorus starts and they’re leaning over the centre console. Their foreheads touching first and their fingers still intertwined. The plastic and leather digging into their sides as their noses brush. She tilts her head and slots her lips against his. It’s soft, unhurried and uniquely them that it makes her heart hurt. But that good hurt when you’re so deeply in the love. His heart isn’t fairing much better and he prays that she cannot feel his pulse skyrocket where his hand holds hers.

She goes to pull away but Elliot is chasing after her. This kiss was a little more passionate but still soft. She smiles into it and she can vaguely hear Cyndi Lauper singing the third verse. The streetlights and car lights pour into the dark SUV and illuminate their faces. His breath ghosts her lips and she fucking giggles like a teenager. He gives her that smile she knows he reserves only for her and his children and she practically melts into the seat.

Their hands remained intertwined as they finally separate. The traffic had moved during their little moment and he was surprised that no one had started honking their horns. If they had, both of them had been completely oblivious to it. She finds herself smirking as the bridge plays and his attention is back on the road.

--

Almost an hour later, Olivia is stretched out on the patio couch with a glass of water, boots kicked off and her phone in hand. She texted Fin to check in and he had things covered. He told her to take it easy and not to rush back tonight (she had no intention of doing that anyway). She would start fresh in the morning with a clear mind and her partner by her side. Talking of her partner, he was inside plating up their late dinner which had been snuck into the fridge by Kathleen earlier that day. It was some pasta dish that she had no idea to pronounce but eager to try.  She also checked in with Noah who was too sleepy to call but managed to respond to her texts with a ‘goodnight’ and a stream of cute emojis.

Dinner was placed in her lap and she stuck her fork straight into the steaming pasta. Elliot took a seat opposite her in one of the padded arm chairs. His beer was sweating a ring onto the new table and he couldn’t be bothered to find a coaster. It would easily wipe off. In between bites of his own pasta, he found himself watching her. She looked like she belonged on that couch on his patio.

“You’re staring” Olivia comments, eyes flicking over to him as his fork stops just before his lips. He’d been caught.

“Can’t help it, you look beautiful.”

She laughs, that throaty laugh that he used to hear every time he closed his eyes. “El, I cried off all my make-up, I have bags under my eyes that are suitcase sized and I’m close to ripping these trousers off because they’re too tight.”

He chuckles and shakes his head, “Like I said, you’re beautiful.”

She wants to throw the cushion that’s propping her up but she decides against it. Instead, she throws him a look that is a mix between “thank you and shut the fuck up.” He does, indeed, shut the fuck up but he doesn’t stop his staring. In the end, she lets him because it’s nice to be appreciated by him even when she looks and feels like she’s been hit by a truck.

After Elliot unceremoniously dumps their dishes into the sink, he brings a blanket out and joins her on the couch. Olivia lets him get settled before she stretches herself out and lets her feet rest in his lap. The trousers were still on but she’d undone the button and she felt less squished. She was well aware of the short conversation they needed to have about her panic attack but she really didn’t want to ruin their good mood.

“I can hear you thinking.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Mhm, I can.”

“I don’t want to beat around the bush, El. But I also don’t want to have this conversation.”

He doesn’t push or tell her that it needs to discussed tonight. It’s her pushing herself which he is keeping a close eye on. When she repositions herself so she’s looking up at the sky, he knows that she’s working it through in her head so he waits. The occasional pass of a car or person plays as an interlude. The automatic light comes on and almost forms a halo around Olivia as she starts to speak.

Elliot’s full attention is on her, a reassuring hand on her bad ankle and the fingers of his other hand tracing patterns into her shin. He listened as she told him of what actually happened in that bathroom, he was glad Lewis was dead but pissed off as he hadn’t died the extremely painful and death he deserved. He listened to her express her feelings and talk about therapy how at times it felt useless and was just making her relive her trauma. But the other times were the most important where they helped her start the process of healing. He listened to her describe the scars that now littered her body and he promised her that he wouldn’t look at her differently. She was beautiful with or without scars. Tears were shed from both of them.

Olivia listened as he spoke about the night of Kathy’s death and how out of it. She listened as he talked about how his nightmares and his shouting during them would wake up Eli and scare him. He paused as she repositioned herself again so she was straddling him and hugging him to her body… to ground him because he was starting to drift. He had that vacant look on his face that reminded her of that night when Manfredi Sinatra was murdered and she startled him when she appeared in his apartment building lobby. She listened as he broke down about missing his wife and almost fucking up his relationship with his kids and her. She listened as he recounted the intervention and how he’d revealed his biggest secret to his kids without really thinking. When it was his turn to talk about therapy, he didn’t shy away. He had been hesitant and but once he found the right therapist, he started getting his shit together. Being undercover had been his initial way of coping and some aspects had helped but it wasn’t healthy. He knows that now.

“I’m steady. I’m good” He’d whispered into her ear as her nails scratched lightly at the back of his neck.

“I know, El. I’m steady too but there might be times where I wobble.” Her reply was equally as soft and he understood.

They were finally on dry land and ready to start building something new as they waved goodbye to the sinking ship that they’d been sailing on since his return. Their journey together was just beginning.

Chapter Text

The sound of an alarm pulled them from their sleep. Olivia pulled the heavy comforter up further while Elliot flung his arm out in the general direction of his nightstand to hit snooze. His first two attempts were fruitless and on the third, he managed to hit snooze and knock his phone on the floor which he left. She turned on her side and snuggled herself into his side with her head on his chest. He couldn’t stop the chuckle that escaped his lips as her hair tickled his nose as he pressed a kiss to the back of her head.

“Please tell me we’ve got time to cuddle” she murmured sleepily.

“A short amount.”

She groaned and craned her neck up just to pout at him which he found adorable and hilarious. She swatted at his chest because she knew exactly what he was thinking and that made it worse. When his fingers found her chin, she relaxed further and shifted so she wasn’t going to throw her neck out. They shared a soft kiss and murmured low ‘good mornings’ to each other. Elliot’s second alarm started and Olivia threatened to throw his phone against the wall if it didn’t stop. They knew they needed to get up but they couldn’t physically bring themselves to move especially when the horrors of human depravity were waiting for them at work. For now, they basked in the little sanctuary in of his bedroom and the kisses she’s planting on his chest.

The next wake-up call was not an alarm, call, voicemail or text. It was a person with a key to Elliot’s apartment and liked to drop off meals for him. The pair froze when they heard movement and within in seconds, both were up and reaching for their weapons. Rationally, Elliot should’ve known that it wasn’t an intruder but he was still on guard after last night and the events of the with the case. Olivia was very much in the same boat but a little further on edge. When he snuck out of the rooms, she was close behind with her weapon ready.

It didn’t take long for either of them to work out that the so-called intruder was just Kathleen with coffee and breakfast, they abandoned their service weapons on the coffee table and went to make their presence known but Katie beat them to it.

“Dad, your coffee is the tall cup. Liv, your iced coffee is in the fridge.”

The duo looked at each other and it was like one of those comedy procedurals but without the audience laughter in the background. His daughter was watching them and holding back her own laughter as she watched these two grown adults process being caught.

“I came about forty minutes before and I almost tripped over a pair of high heeled boots by the door. So, unless there’s something you’re not telling me about your identity Dad, I gathered that you had a guest. That guest being Liv. The boots and coat were a bit of a giveaway. I assume you weren’t trying to be sneaky because if you were, you did a pretty terrible job. Mo did a much better job as a teenager.” Kathleen’s eyes darted between the two shocked people in front of her as she finished unpacking the takeout bag.

Elliot looked at his daughter sheepishly while Olivia’s gaze was trained on the countertop but there was a smile on her face. Being busted by her favourite Stabler child was not something she’d expected to happen ever yet here she was. A blush rose to her cheeks as she shuffled around to the fridge and found that iced coffee. As if realising he was stuck in the same spot, Elliot made a show of grabbing his coffee and taking a sip.

The younger woman took her seat at the counter with her breakfast and takeout mug of tea. Her dad and Olivia made a good show to watch. She watched as he handed Liv her breakfast without even checking the sticker on the paper and she was hoping that she guessed right. The tension in the kitchen wasn’t awkward but she had to do everything in her power not to burst out laughing.

Her father, ever the gentleman, even pulled out a stool for Olivia and made sure she was settled before attending to his own breakfast. While Kathleen had no idea what had happened the night before, it was fairly obvious that she’d caught them at an innocent time. She was completely aware of the sheer volume of tension between the two of the most important people in her life. She was more aware that Olivia had her own problems to face when they’d all walked back into her life announced but right now, it made her happy to see that they had been working things out. that her father had worked his own problems out and reconnected with the person that made him happy and really understood him for who he was. She loved her mother but as she grew older, she knew that Kathy didn’t understand his job at SVU and the partnership he shared with Olivia. The connection between Elliot and Olivia was something that none of them would probably never understand and she had already accepted it.

“How’d you sleep, Dad?”

Elliot inhaled his bite of bagel and almost choked when he’d heard those words. Olivia didn’t fare much better as she quickly sipped on her coffee and spluttered. Kathleen was purely doing it to tease them and she couldn’t wait to tell Bernie, Mo and Richard. Out of the two, Liv recovered quickly and resumed her poker face.

“Kathleen” that warning tone of his brought back memories but that didn’t stop her from snickering.

“What? It was a completely innocent question!”

Her reply earns her not one but two knowing glances from the former partners and she huffs but not in total defeat. She wants to string them along a little longer because it’s fun to tease and seeing her dad happy is new. He truly hasn’t been happy since Kathy died. He has moments where he looks happy especially with Bernie but that smile wasn’t the smile she remembered. The smile that he reserves for the people he loves.

“We slept okay” the emphasis on ‘we’ wasn’t missed by either woman but the smile that spread across Olivia’s face answered the niggling question in Kathleen’s brain. They were good. Progress had been made and they were finally heading in the right direction. That’s all she needed to know.

The conversation died down and everyone focused on eating. Olivia’s phone pinged a few times in the bedroom and she already knew who it was. He could wait, for now. The only other noises were the paper rattling and the sound of ice in her coffee when she drank through the straw. Elliot finished first and started clearing up. Kathleen stayed in her seat as she pushed her rubbish towards her father who rolled his eyes but put her items in the bin anyway.

He washed and dried his hands before disappearing back into the bedroom. When he reappeared, he had both their phones and her glasses. He approached the counter and passed Olivia her phone after pressing a kiss to her temple. She scrunched her nose as she laughed when his beard tickled her skin. Kathleen wanted to bottle this moment and keep it forever because she felt so privileged to witness it.

Olivia was typing away with her glasses perched on the end of her nose as Elliot threw the last of the rubbish in the bin and emptied the remaining ice into the sink to melt. Kathleen got off her stool and without saying anything, wrapped her arms around his middle and tucked her head under his chin. It had taken him by surprise momentarily but he did hug his daughter back.

 Kathleen whispered “I’m happy for you, Dad,” as she pulled away and looked up at her father who had tears in his eyes.

He mouths a ‘thank you’ and flits his gaze over to Olivia who is watching the scene unfold with a soft smile and her phone still in hand. The two women then share a ‘goodbye’ and a hug before Kathleen promises to text her to arrange a girls night. It was his turn to watch and smile. He had always admired the friendship between his daughter and his best friend. They were closer than the rest of his kids were with Liv but it made sense given how she had helped Katie years ago.

As soon as that front door closes, their little comfort bubble bursts and they have to go to work. Olivia needs to go home and get changed because she can’t really turn up to work in the same clothes as yesterday given that Fin most likely told them that she had a personal issue which had forced her to go home. So, they were going to be late. She did think about catching an uber or Lyft but it would be a miracle to get one at this time of the morning still. It wasn’t extremely but it was still early for some people who had the luxury of working decent hours.

---

Driving to work together felt new and old at the same time. It was nostalgic and it gave her time to bring him up to speed. Fin had practically sent her a dissertation of everything they’d missed and where the investigation was headed when they finally arrived at the office. Ayanna had taken point at times with the OC stuff and Fin had done the same for SVU. There were a few bits that needed to be discussed between the two sergeants and the captain which didn’t feel her with much hope. Even Carisi had asked where she was when he’d been called in during the night. The ADA had expressed his annoyance at that but also expressed worry when she hadn’t been present.

When they pulled up outside the 1-6 and Olivia climbed out with her laptop, files and purse, Fin was waiting for her with Velasco and Bruno. To her, it looked like the two detectives were off out somewhere but had hung around to greet their captain which she didn’t mind. Pleasantries and a quick rundown of what the detectives had planned were shared before Fin and Olivia were left alone.

They walked in together and she could feel the knowing look that her best friend was shooting in her direction. Officers were greeting them and all she could do was smile back until they were alone again.

“Stop looking at me like that” Olivia shot him a look, a poor attempt at scolding Fin who shook his head and raised an eyebrow.

“Look, it’s been a long time coming and I’m glad he was here” to help you was the part he’d left unsaid and she was grateful that he did. She really didn’t feel like talking about that. She didn’t know how much he knew but she trusted Elliot and what he had told Fin on her behalf. It seems silly but her panic attacks and mental health were something that she kept close to her chest. Fin had been there through most of it already with her.

“Yes, it has and it’s not been easy for either of us to get here but we’re good. Ready.” Whatever hesitation that had been in her voice before was now replaced with confidence. 

“Good. He already knows that if he hurts you, he’ll have me to deal with.”

“Not just you, I’m fairly certain Ayanna would castrate him.”

The captain and sergeant’s joint laughter carried down the corridor and was music to Elliot Stabler’s ears as he approached his friends. He acted like he didn’t hear that comment about Ayanna and castration. His hand found the small of Olivia’s back as the elevator doors opened and they stepped inside.

Fin eyed Elliot and smirked. He was going to leave the teasing until a more appropriate time. Though, he didn’t miss the way Olivia stepped back so part of her was leaning against Elliot’s chest and how El took her laptop bag from her. When they exited the elevator, the couple had separated but he followed her to her office while Fin branched off into the squadroom where he was greeted by Reyes. Ayanna was watching Elliot in Olivia’s office and immediately noticed how much lighter he looked. She couldn’t wait to tease him when they were back at OCCB after this case.

Elliot left her office and Ayanna had to make herself look busy so she didn’t get caught. It didn’t take much and before she was ready with a file, he was at her desk telling her that Olivia wanted to talk to her and Fin. This meeting she was prepared for and it left the detectives to get stuck in.

The meeting lasted around forty-five minutes and when she was free, she asked Elliot to tag along with her to the lab. He looked at Liv momentarily before grabbing his jacket and Ayanna wondered if he was checking in. Fin had been pretty vague with the reasoning for why both Olivia and Elliot were missing last night. It was clearly personal but not romantic personal. Whatever the reasoning, it had been serious enough for her best detective to miss work. She wouldn’t press for that information but she was definitely going to interrogate him in the car.

---

“I see you and Captain Benson are close” a vague opening statement to keep her cards close to her chest as she paid attention to the road. Elliot had let her drive his SUV and she hadn’t missed a certain ornament hanging on the mirror before he’d taken it off and delicately placed in the glove compartment. She had no idea what the ornament meant but it was obviously important to him.

Clearing his throat, “Hm yeah, it’s new.”

“I thought you were close before.” Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him react and pull a face.

“Well yeah but we’d drifted because of me. When I left years ago, I didn’t tell her I was leaving. I just upped and left,” he focused his gaze on the glovebox where the ornament was resting.

“I’m sure you had your reasons. Though, I don’t agree with how you handled it even with the smallest bit of information.”

Elliot laughed at that because Ayanna was always straight to the point and loved to call him out. It was refreshing and honestly, it made their friendship and work relationship stronger. They’d grown close quickly and both would do almost anything for the other. While she wasn’t a sharer of personal information lately, he shared when she pushed or he needed an outsiders point of view regarding this situation with Olivia. Of course, there was a lot that she was unaware of it but the well-known stories and their jackets give her enough to put together some of the pieces.

“I also agree with you but back then, I was different. I’m different now and have no urge to run.”

“That’s more her thing?”

“It was our thing but we’ve been working on that. We both our own reasons for running. I won’t tell her you said that.”

Ayanna chuckles as she slows the car to a stop and they share a look. She was happy for Elliot and was proud of how far he’d come but she was still oddly protective over him which sounds completely ridiculous. He’s a grown man and Olivia’s a grown woman but there’s this connection between them that Ayanna has never seen before and the couple are interesting to watch. Out of the few times she’s seen them interact, she knows that they’re in love with each other, have been for years but it was clear that boundaries were respected even though it’s damaged their hearts and caused far too much tension between them.

Her departing words were simply “I have your back” and then he was left in the car alone. The drive had gone much quicker than he’d expected and he needed to focus his mind on the case. Elliot assumed they were here to pick up some evidence or at least get test results. This lab was familiar and the young man at the front desk greeted him with a nod. His Sarge was tapping away at her phone while she waited for the elevator so he joined her. His own phone vibrated in his coat pocket. When he pulled it out, there was two texts. One from Jet which must have been sent to everyone and one from Olivia. He quickly gave Jet’s message a thumbs up before closing that conversation and opened his conversation with Liv.

My ears are burning. You been talking about me?

Ayanna made a comment about us. Nothing bad, don’t worry.

The elevator pinged and the doors opened. Four people stepped out and then Ayanna was stepping in first. Elliot’s focus was on his phone but he did follow. The doors closed and he heard her click the button as Olivia’s reply came through.

Ah, well a good sergeant has her detectives back. not worried, just happy you have a friend.

It was nice to have a friend who was new and not from his past. Don’t get him wrong, he loved all his friends that he’s known for years but they would never set him straight like Ayanna does. They have a bond that is unique but not as unique as his and Liv’s. out of the corner of his eye, he could see the woman in question eyeing him and shaking her head. Was he really making it that obvious that he was so in love with Olivia? If so, he needed to work on his poker face but at the same time, he couldn’t help himself when she’s making him feel giddy like she’s his first ever girlfriend.

She can read us like a book. Knows how we work without knowing everything.

I’m not surprised. She’s good.

Are you at the lab?

He noticed that her replies were immediate and if he had to guess, she was tucked away in her office but would go out and check on the remaining detectives and officers in the precinct who were working tirelessly to catch these people. He also knew that Carisi was going to check in regularly with Olivia about the case and her mental health then report back to Amanda. Elliot was grateful that she had friends who will check up on her and care especially when he hadn’t been around.  

Just got here. heading down in the elevator.

Keep me updated.

El?

When the “El?” appeared, he knew that something was bothering her and he almost felt bad for not being there. But the rational part of his brain reminded him that she’s not alone and if something were to happen, she had them to rely on. He knew after last night that this case was going to be difficult for her but she was fearless and would make it work even if it meant letting him in even further. Nothing was ever simple for them and they both hated it. for once, they wished it would be easy for them after everything they’ve been through together and alone.

Yeah? You okay?

I’m okay. Could use a hug.

This was new but not unwelcomed. In fact, he was proud. It was such a big thing for her to actually ask for something that is considered intimate and she’s done it when she feels vulnerable. While she hadn’t told him about her fear of intimacy, it had become clear after hearing her story and how she’d reacted when he went to kiss her in her kitchen after being green-lit.

Give me an hour and then you’ll have your hug. Text me if you’re not so okay and I’ll talk to A.

Olivia didn’t reply to his message but as he left the elevator with Ayanna and met with a lab tech, she did react with a little heart emoji which he considered as a good sign. She also probably worked out that he was heading into the lab and would be occupied.

The sergeant and detective spent a good forty minutes at the lab and Elliot was itching to get out of there. He didn’t want to seem rude but he did check his phone more times than necessary and Ayanna was so close to having a word with him about professionalism. When they’d left the lab with a box of processed evidence and climbed back into the SUV, it dawned on her that he was worried about Olivia.

“If you weren’t so worried about a certain captain, I’d be reprimanding your ass to hell for that performance in there.” Ayanna stated, a mixture of authority and understanding laced in her tone.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. This case…” He can’t bring himself to finish the sentence and he doesn’t know why. Of course, he’d never share any information about Liv without her permission and Ayanna certainly was smart enough to know that it had personal implications.

“It hits close to home? Yeah, I worked that out but Elliot, she’s got people with her who will help her without even knowing all the facts. She’s not alone anymore.”

Ayanna really could read him like a book and before that might have annoyed him, but now it doesn’t bother him because he needs a friend like her to call him out on his bullshit and remind him of his priorities.

“I know but I feel like I have to make up for the times where I wasn’t here and she was alone.” Elliot cursed away the tears that stung in his eyes as they sat in the parking lot. He knew that she wouldn’t leave until they’d talked it out and his head was screwed back on straight. Or at least a little straighter.

“That’s a dangerous way to think about it. Was she alone at times? Yes, and while I don’t know what she may have been through, there’s two things you’re forgetting. One, she survived. Two, she’s alive. Isn’t that all that matters right now?” She was paying close to him and was relieved to see that he wasn’t heading dangerously fast towards a spiral. He was working on keeping himself as centred as possible.

Without even thinking, she leant over him and tugged the glove compartment open. The ornament coming into view and she pulled it from its hiding spot. His eyes were trained on the red wood and she knew that it had been a good idea. He took it from her when she was back in her seat and ready to start the engine.

For the entirety of the journey back to the precinct, he held and fiddled with it. While Olivia had the compass to guide her, he had this silly ornament to guide him (in some weird way). Ayanna let him take a moment in the car as she gave him a quick side hug and then left with the evidence box.

When Elliot makes his appearance, Ayanna is leading the evidence talk and everyone is taking notes or just listening. There’s been an increase in uniformed officers who were offering their time to help out with canvases or patrolling near crime scenes and there’s a few more detectives loitering about from other precincts that this case crosses. It’s a lot to process but he keeps a straight face and attempts to listen as he perches himself on Ayanna’s temporary desk. He doesn’t need to hear it all again but this spot gives him a good view of Olivia who was standing at the front of the room but off to the side. Their eyes meet across the room and the immediate feeling of relief washes through both of them. While his earlier wobble wasn’t massive, it was clear that she knew even without them exchanging words. Just know the other like the back of their hands and know when something is off. The room around them faded. The noises were muffled and all Elliot could think about was crossing the room and hugging her. The hug that she’d asked for because she needed him.

It felt hours had passed when it had only been minutes and the squad room was almost empty in the blink of an eye. Elliot had felt a hand on his shoulder and he didn’t have to look at the person to know who it was. He smiled, though, he wasn’t sure if she saw it.

And then there were two.

There was no hesitation in the steps Olivia took as she crossed the room and sought him out. She didn’t care that they could be caught in a vulnerable moment. All she cared about was being in his arms. Being at home and safe. She didn’t even give him time to get up so she was between his legs again like she’d be the night before in her office after her panic attack. A parallel. Their universe was here and it was very real.

His hands on her waist. Her arms around his neck. The compass pressing into their skin as their chests touch. It had led her to happiness and she would treasure it. bottle every single moment that they share. They were ready for happiness and happiness was ready for them.

Chapter Text

When Olivia didn’t turn up for her ride home, Elliot knew that the Chief was keeping her longer than most likely necessary which meant that she wouldn’t be at Noah’s school in time to pick him up. Ayanna was perched on Fin’s desk as they were packing up the boxes of evidence and files.

“Sarge, I got an errand to run, is it okay if I leave?” his question was aimed at Ayanna, who didn’t get the chance to answer because of Fin.

“Is that errand, a Noah shaped one?” Fin asked, eyeing Elliot from his chair.

“So, what if it is?”

Ayanna’s eyes darted between the two men and a smirk appeared on her lips. She knew exactly what Fin was doing and it was working. He was trying to get under El’s skin.

“Then you’re free to go but text Liv.”

A sarcastic “yes, sarge” was thrown over Elliot’s shoulder as he was leaving the squadroom. He wasn’t going to stick around and let Fin win. Ayanna had nodded her subtlety nodded in agreement just before he’d hightailed it out of there.

Elliot roughly remembered where Noah’s school was and with good traffic, it wouldn’t take long to get there. He texted Olivia as he climbed into the SUV and then linked his phone to the CarPlay. He knew that she probably wouldn’t be able to text him back straight away but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was Noah getting home safe. It was obvious to anyone that she’s been working non-stop recently and was desperate need of a break or at least someone to ease the burden which was his role now. He would help her in any way he could even if it meant picking up her almost teenager.

When he arrived at the school, there was a pick-up line but he parked a little further back where Liv had parked that time when they’d met for coffee and he told her to back off not long after Kathy died. He climbed out of the car and walked round to the curb where he leant against the passenger door. It’s been years since he’d done the drop off or pick up and it was almost like déjà vu and a dream. Never in a million years did he ever expect the opportunity to pick Olivia’s son up from school. Of course, he’d thought about when Calvin was in the picture and when she’d mentioned looking at adoption when they were partners. He found himself wondering where Calvin was now, how well he’d grown up and what sort of man he’d become. He also wondered if Olivia ever thinks about him and what could have been.

“Elliot?” Noah’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. He hadn’t heard the school bell ring or seen the sheer volume of people mulling about.

“Hey kid.” They share a smile and it’s not awkward. It’s normal. Like they do it every day or every week. It’s easy.

“Mom stuck at work?”

“Meeting overran. Ready to go home?”

Noah nods and climbs into the SUV as Elliot holds the passenger door open for him. He throws his backpack onto the backseat and leans forward to fiddle with the CarPlay while the older man rounds the car and then gets himself settled in the driver’s seat. Noah lifts his head up too quickly and knocks the ornament so it swings. Elliot is surprised that it doesn’t get caught in the teen’s hair as he grabs the decoration.

Elliot lets Noah pick the music and doesn’t complain when he picks some Taylor Swift playlist. The traffic has picked up so they’re constantly stopping and starting. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Noah texting someone but he doesn’t ask because it isn’t his place to know. He’d only ask if something was off. The song that comes on as the traffic starts moving has Noah singing and dancing in the passenger seat with no care in the world. It makes him laugh. He wishes he could pull his phone out and capture it for his memory and hers. Sure, there will be other moments like this but it’s also a sign that Noah is comfortable enough around him to be himself.

The song ends and they’re inching closer to their exit when Noah lowers the volume slightly and tucks his phone between his legs. An Olivia move, he thinks to himself. The faint beat and melody of the music is the perfect accompaniment of the conversation that’s brewing.

“Did mom give you that?” Noah asks, turning to the older man who was staring out the windshield even though he didn’t need to because they were stationary again.

“Yeah but there’s a whole story behind why.” Elliot replies, shifting ever so slightly in his seat.

“Did you give her the necklace she wears all the time?”

That question makes Elliot turn his head and look at Noah who was smiling up at him. There had been some nervous fluttering around in his stomach but now, those were morphing into happiness because he knows that Noah isn’t upset. He clearly likes the idea of them giving each other gifts as a reminder of each other and what they mean to the other.

“Yes I did and I told her to let it lead her to happiness.”

“Well, I’d say it worked because you’re back in her life and she seems happier. Tired because of work but happy because of you. I know I make mom happy but the happiness she gets when you’re around is something I cannot give her.”

“Noah, you make her the happiest she’s ever been. Ever since I first met your mom, all she’s ever wanted is to be a mom. When I left, I missed so much of your mom’s life, both good and bad, which I will regret for the rest of my life but when I found out that she has a son, I was delighted. Neither of you have had it easy but you deserve each other.”

“Mom doesn’t talk about her past and that’s okay with me. She didn’t really talk much about you until I started asking and then you came back. She deserves to be happy and I’m okay with you making her happy as long as you don’t leave again.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good.”

They finally reached their exit and the rest of the drive was easy. Elliot managed to pull up in front of the building and Noah was ready to climb out but stopped when he felt a hand on his arm.

“You up for a diner dinner? We’ll pick your mom up when she’s ready.”

“Yes, I haven’t been to a diner in ages. Can I go and get changed?”

“Of course, do you want me to come up with you?”

Noah shakes his head and is still itching to leave so Elliot lets him. He assumes to the teen has a key as he passes his backpack over. Then he’s gone, running into the building and greeting the guy behind the desk. Elliot kills the engine and fishes his phone out of his jacket. There’s no text from her yet but he catches the little typing bubble popping up so he waits.

Thanks for picking Noah up. Hope he’s behaving.

The vibration of his phone startles him slightly but he recovers quickly and reads her message. He’s smiling as he types his response.

He’s behaving. Just getting changed and then we’re gonna figure out dinner. You at 1PP still?

Yeah, I managed to escape to the bathroom. This guy is talking my ear off about shit that doesn’t even concern me. I’m the only one left now. should be free in thirty then I’ll uber home.

Just don’t kill the new guy and stay safe, okay? Got a little surprise for you.

Can I get a hint?

Nope just don’t call an uber immediately when you’re done ;)

Elliot watches the little ‘delivered’ change to ‘read’ and locks his phone. He knows that she’s got to get back and keep up appearances but part of him just wants to break her out of that office, have dinner with her and Noah and then go home.

---

They parked about a block away and Noah was trailing behind with his head buried in his phone. When Elliot had asked what he was doing, the teen had said he was catching a Skitty on some Pokémon game (thought all the information went over his head because he doesn’t know who or what a Pokémon is). It’s busier than expected when they reached the actual plaza. Uniformed officers, plain clothes officers and even press were scattered around or coming in/out of the building.

“Stay close,” Elliot said, eyeing the crowds before making sure Noah had heard him. The pair walked over to one of the massive planters and Noah sat gingerly on the planter wall. It wasn’t the most stable thing but it held his weight and allowed him to be close to El who was tapping his dress shoe on the concrete.

Roughly five minutes had passed before Elliot sees Olivia stepping out into the warm afternoon air. She’s looking down at her phone with her glasses perched on the end of her nose and her bag slung haphazardly over her shoulder. He nudges Noah’s leg and is almost deafened by the kid’s shout of “mom” which draws everyone’s attention to them. Over the murmur of the crowd, Elliot can hear her laugh and see her shake her hair out of the messy ponytail. Noah had sped-walked and stopped halfway so they could meet in the middle. It was a sweet moment and it was one that he’d capture on camera. A picture of the mother and son sharing a private embrace while the rest of the world continued around them.

Olivia and Noah separate and make their way over to Elliot who is smiling at them. What she does next surprises him as she wraps her arms around his neck and lifts up onto her tiptoes to whisper a soft I love you into his ear. He buries his head into the curve of her neck and presses a kiss there. Neither of them are aware of Noah taking a couple of pictures of their intimate moment. There was no one watching them. It really was just them in their own universe.

The walk back to his SUV was filled with Noah talking about his day at school to Olivia. Elliot was listening but he didn’t really understand much because he doesn’t know any of these kids (yet). Noah climbed into the back and buckled in while the adults shared a moment outside the car.

Olivia’s soft “thank you” was lost in the wind as Elliot pressed a whisper of a kiss to her lips. Her lip balm was sweet and it made him want more. His fingers lightly grasped her chin, tilting it up so their gazes met and the he kissed her. Her hands pressed against his chest and her nails dug slightly into his skin where he’d opened the top two buttons of his dress shirt.

A knocking on the window forces them to jump apart. Their laughter is loud as Olivia covers her face with her hands embarrassed. Elliot shakes his head and can just make out Noah pulling a disgusted face at them through the tint.

“You up for some dinner?” Elliot asks as Olivia makes her way round to the passenger side.

“God yes, I’m starving.”

--

The booth the waitress guides them to is tucked away in the corner. The orange of the sunset gives it a warm and inviting glow. Noah takes one bench and settles by the window to take pictures of the sunset. Olivia sits opposite her son and Elliot is next to her, watching the sun create a halo above her head. The waitress lays out the menus in front of them and says she’ll be back soon to take their orders.

Elliot had been worried that a diner would be triggering for Olivia given she was shot at one recently but it didn’t seem to affect her. She was settled and looking over the menu while she asked her son about the dance workshop he signed up for over the weekend. Their conversation was faint as his eyes remained fix on her. The smile on her face, the soft laugh, the dime-sized pupils and the way she listened so intently whenever her son was speaking were just a handful of the things that he loved about her.

The waitress reappeared and everyone ordered. Olivia let Noah have whatever he wanted as a treat but he still picked sensibly. Olivia picked a mac & cheese bowl with a side salad and Elliot had picked a breakfast sub with fries. A jug of water and glasses were placed down by another waitress who told Noah about a specific spot in the parking lot where he could see the sunset better. Before he could even ask, his mom was telling him to get some good pictures.

And there were two again.

Noah had barely left the booth before Olivia was curling up into Elliot’s side and closing her eyes as she absorbed the sun. He welcomed her into his space as he looked out at the sky changing colour. The last time he’d watched a sunset was Italy and he had been thinking about her then. It was before they left to come here for his work meetings and her award ceremony.

As he reflects on the huge amount of change that has happened over the past four years, he wouldn’t change it. He’s spent so much of his life living with regret and anger which morphed him into someone he didn’t recognise. Italy was good. It was a nice break from reality and where he should’ve been this whole time but now, he was okay with being himself. He still had his family, was reconnecting with his siblings and he had the most important person back in his life. He was happy and in love.

For Olivia, she shared some of the same sentiments. She had a family, had a job that she still loved doing and the single most important person was back in her life for good. He wasn’t going anywhere this time. She hadn’t had the luxury of escaping reality and there had been times where she wasn’t herself. But now, she was also okay with being herself. There was much that still needed to be worked through but that could wait for now. Tonight was about them and trying out this whole normalcy thing.

Noah and the waitress appeared back at the table simultaneously and Olivia reluctantly moved from her comfy spot. Elliot thanked the waitress as she left them alone and began to eat. There was a cheeky grin plastered on Noah’s face as he inhaled his burger. The smell of her mac & cheese was strong and it reminded him of that day in the Ohio diner.

It’s just good to see Captain Benson embrace normalcy for a change.

Elliot agreed wholeheartedly with that statement again as he watched her eat and talk to her son about where he fitted into their lives now. Her plan had always been to introduce Noah and Elliot when it felt right but the universe had other plans for them. Mother’s day and then Woodstock. Though one thing she couldn’t fault is how well Noah and Elliot already got on. They had a strong bond. Before Noah hadn’t always been able to connect with the few men in her life but it was instant between these two… like it been back in the day for her and him.

“Noah, what are you smiling about?” Olivia eyed her son who was dipping two fries into a pot of ketchup.

“It’s just nice to see us being normal for once.”

Elliot almost choked on his own fry at that. Olivia made him drink some water when he stopped coughing while Noah sat there innocently. There was no way he would know about the diner conversation in Ohio but that phrasing was close. When Noah was distracted, the pair shared a look and hid their smiles.

Maybe this whole normalcy thing was going to work out just fine.