Archive of Our Own ^beta

People didn’t really know Charlie Dalton. Not even their friends. They always wore a mask. A face. Everyone thought of them as this happy-go-lucky person. And maybe they were when they were younger. But they weren’t young anymore. They were 17, and frankly, they had no idea who they were.

Well, they knew. But nobody else did. Because who they were scared them. They’re non binary. Something a school like Welton, would not understand. But they also suffered from depression. Again, something a school like Welton wouldn’t understand. So they hid it. All of it. And yeah, it annoyed their roommate Cameron when they were loud and obnoxious, but did Cameron even notice when Charlie shut down and didn’t say anything for hours?

“Charlie?” Meeks asks, tapping his pencil on Charlie’s paper.

“Hm?” Charlie hums, bringing themselves back to reality.

“You good?” Meeks has a vaguely concerned look on his face.

Charlie flashes one of their iconic smiles, “always”

Meeks makes another face, maybe not believing what Charlie said but doesn’t push, “do you understand the trig?”

“Not one bit, but I’ll manage,” Charlie gets up from their chair and picks up all their things, “gonna head to my room. Need me some alone time” they smirk.

“Oh geez Charlie,” Cameron whines, understanding what Charlie implies when they say ‘alone time’. Although that’s a facade, they need alone time but not for that. They just need to be alone.

Charlie wanders out of the common area and heads back to their room, plopping all their work on their desk as they enter and, pathetically, crawling onto their bed. Their back is against the wall and they pull their knees up to their chest.

It’s exhausting. All of it. They don’t wanna be here. They don’t wanna be like this. They don’t wanna feel like this. They just want to be normal. Whatever the fuck that is.

They don’t cry. They don’t let themselves cry. Because if they did cry, they won’t be able to stop. And if they cry, they might get caught. It’s hard to stop crying once you’ve started. And Cameron would ask questions if he came into their room and saw Charlie balling their eyes out.

So they just sit there on their bed. Like the pathetic person they are.

“Bed time Charlie!” Neil knocks on their door eventually. Charlie has no idea how much time has passed. But they know that they feel no different than they did before. Charlie takes a deep breath, grabs their toiletries and pyjamas, and opens their door.

“Are you sure you’re alright Char?” Neil asks, he’s the only one that uses that nickname. He’s the only one who’s allowed to use that nickname.

Charlie tries to put on their smile, but they’re so tired. They’re tired of lying and faking everything. They manage a small grin,

“I will be”

That’s not totally a lie. Even if they don’t totally believe it. Neil gives a small sad smile back, of course he doesn’t believe them. He knows them better than anyone else. And yet he doesn’t- he doesn’t know them.

Charlie heads off to the bathroom before Neil can ask anymore questions and starts getting ready for bed with all the boys. Not ‘the other boys’, since they aren’t a boy, just, the boys.

Neil gives them a few worrying looks while they get ready bed, in fact, all the boys do, even Cameron.

“What’s with that look?” Charlie eventually asks Cameron while they walk back to their room.

“We’re uh- we’re worried about you” Cameron admits.

“Why?” There’s almost hatred in their voice.

“Because you’ve been weird lately. Weird as in different, not weird as in well- weird” Cameron clarifies.

“Right. Cause I’ve always been weird,” Charlie scoffs.

“You know that’s not what I meant”

“Sure,” Charlie opens the door to their room and climbs into bed, facing the wall so they don’t have to see Cameron look at them worryingly.

“Good night” Cameron mumbles as he turns off the light to their room.

Charlie lays in their bed, just looking at the wall until they hear Cameron’s breathing go steady. Then they get up from bed, pull on their jacket, and head out of the school. Off to the cave.

The walk to the cave is calming and quiet. It’s not quite snowing yet but it’s getting close to, they can tell because the winds biting at them as they walk to the cave.

They like going to the cave alone sometimes. It’s not physically comfortable, but it’s emotionally comfortable. They feel like they can be themselves there. And no one ever goes to the cave alone. At least, so they thought.

They wander into the mouth of the cave to see a dim flashlight lit and a shadow. They wander in a little more until they see- Meeks?

“Charlie?” Meeks says into the dim light, a cigarette between his fingers.

“Meeks?” Charlie says back.

“What’re you doing here?” Meeks asks.

“I uh- I like to come here alone sometimes. To think, you know” Charlie says, which isn’t totally a lie.

“Same, want a hit?” Meeks holds out the cigarette. Charlie sits down beside him and takes the cigarette from his fingers.

“I forget you smoke” Charlie admits, taking the smoke into their lungs and holding it in for a moment before exhaling.

“Not often, just an occasional thing,” Meeks reminds them.

“What’re you doing here?” Charlie asks, handing Meeks the cigarette back.

“Same as you. Although I won’t be as vague, I’ve been questioning things about me lately”

This peaks Charlie’s interest. Questioning things about himself? Could he be the same as Charlie? They doubt it, they aren’t that lucky.

“What sort of things?” Charlie asks instead.

“Hmm, you know how well, how guys like girls and girls like guys?” Meeks begins.

Charlie nods along, “yeah,” Charlie themselves is bisexual. They know that, and although they’ve never come out, they’ve flirted with the Poets every once in a while, when the opportunity presents itself.

Meeks takes a drag then continues, this time in a slightly more hushed voice, “I don’t think I like either”

Well, now would be a great time to come out, Charlie matches Meeks’ hushed tone, “I think I like both,” Charlie says, then, “and I think I’m neither”

There’s a short pause before, “Is something wrong with us?” Meeks asks, even quieter.

Charlie takes the cigarette and takes a hit, “I don’t know” they admit.

Silence.

“You think you’re neither? What are you if you’re not a boy or a girl?” Meeks asks, Charlie hands him back the cigarette.

“I don’t know,” Charlie admits again.

“What am I?” Meeks ponders.

“I don’t know,” Charlie sighs deeply, “I don’t know.”

“What do you know?” Meeks asks, putting out the cigarette on the cave floor.

“I think I’m depressed” Charlie looks up at the hole in the cave, the one where the smoke usually goes out of when they light the fire during meetings.

“Oh”

“Oh”

“Is it all fake then? All the smiles and laughs and- and everything?”

“I think so. It doesn’t feel real, anyways”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why lie about being happy?” Meeks clarifies.

Charlie shrugs in the dark, “it’s easier,” they take a moment before deciding to admit this, “I used to uh- hurt myself. It didn’t last long cause it was hard to hide. But I did.”

“One time, I was working on the radio, alone, Pitts had gone to eat dinner. And I accidentally burnt myself, I still don’t know how I did it, but it felt good. The burning. That was when I knew there was something wrong with me. I don’t think most people enjoy getting burnt.”

Charlie takes a deep breath, the cold air in their lungs almost hurts, “Guess we’re both pretty fucked up”

“Yeah,” Meeks pushes his glasses up his nose, “should we head back?”

“Probably,” Charlie stands up and holds a hand out to help Meeks stand up. Meeks takes their hand and lifts himself up.

“So,” Charlie says as they start their hike back to the school, “what do you mean by you think you don’t like either?”

“I just- people talk about romance and sex and stuff, and then there’s Knox talking and obsessing over Chris and I just- I’ve never felt that before. And frankly the idea of it sort of makes me sick to my stomach”

“To be fair, I don’t think Knox’s feelings are normal. But I can see where you’re coming from.”

“Is there a word for it?”

“For what you’re feeling? I’ve done a bit of research on this sort of stuff, for personal reasons. And yeah. I think what you’re feeling is aromantic and asexual. No romantic or sexual feelings”

“Hm, so, other people feel this way?”

“Yeah”

“What about you? Are there words to describe how you feel?”

“Mhm, bisexual, that’s the easy one, liking boys and girls. Not feeling like a boy or a girl, that ones non binary,” Charlie explains.

“I think I’ve heard of that. Don’t nonbinary people go by they/them pronouns?” Meeks asks.

“Yeah, yeah they do”

“Do you?”

Charlie pauses, “I’d like to”

“Okay”

“But uh- not yet. You’re the only one who knows” Charlie stammers.

Meeks nods, “you’re the only one who knows about me too”

They reach the school and Charlie opens the door up quietly for Meeks, who enters the building, and waits for Charlie to enter before continuing the walk to their rooms.

They get to Charlie’s room first, “good night Charlie” Meeks whispers.

Charlie opens their door, “Good night Meeks”