Chapter Text
Harry had to fight to stay awake in History of Magic. Last night he was up way too late perusing his Potions book, only to find out how late it had gotten when he started to see the first hints of daylight streaming through his dorm windows. When he realized he had been up all night reading, he hastily threw his book down and tried to force himself to fall asleep. Knowing he needed to lock in and try to get as many hours of sleep as he could before breakfast, he just went to sleep as he normally did, not bothering trying to occlude.
Harry jolted awake as his head fell off his hand which it was slumped on. As he stared as Professor Binns lecturing and writing paragraphs on the board without actually listening to any of what he said, he thought about how unhappy Snape was going to be that he didn’t practice his Occlumency before bed. Well… he did at least try, so hopefully Snape would give him that and not be too hard on him. Oh who was he kidding, the man would still be angry with him for not trying hard enough, or practicing to his standards. But he did have a few more days before his next lesson with the man, so hopefully he would be able to make more progress before then.
Harry eased his head back on his hand and let his eyes start to droop when he was met with a sharp poke to his abdomen.
Harry leapt out of his seat causing the chair to screech backwards as Binns stopped his writing and lecturing and turned to look at Harry, along with the entire class. Harry blushed furiously and waved his hand in front of him to try and convey to Binns that nothing was wrong. Seeing as no student seemed to have a question for him, Binns resumed what he was doing as Harry pulled his seat back in and rubbed his side grouchily.
Once he was back in his seat, he shot a glare at Hermione who was sitting next to him and gestured at her with his hands and wild eyes to convey “what the hell was that for?”
Hermione, not looking the least bit perplexed, whispered to him, “That was the second time you were about to fall off your chair because you were falling asleep! Professor Binns may not notice but you need to stop falling asleep in class before we get to Professor McGonagall or Professor Snape’s classes,” Hermione hissed. “You went up to bed so early last night, I thought you would at least have managed to get a few decent hours of sleep, even if you were practicing Occlumency for a while.”
Harry just stared at her. Sure, he could just sleep through the night, easy-peasy. It wasn’t like he had constant, horrifyingly realistic nightmares that shook him to his core nearly every night that made it difficult to fall back asleep or anything.
Harry picked up his quill and wrote:
“You do know I have nightmares like every single night, right?”
Harry turned his notebook to Hermione and watched her face as she read his note, jotted down a few things Binns said from his lecture in her own notebook, then turned to face Harry again.
“Yes Harry, I know and I feel bad that you have nightmares every night, truly,” Hermione said sympathetically. “But I also know you’re not really taking any steps to get better.”
Harry made an outraged expression and reached for his notebook again but Hermione hastily continued.
“I just mean that if your nightmares really are this bad every night, you probably need to tell an adult. Professor McGonagall probably would just send you to Madam Pomfrey, but Professor Snape might be able to help you if you tell him that you’ve been working on what he told you, but that Occlumency isn’t helping your nightmares.”
Harry pulled a face.
“Oh come on!” Hermione whispered to Harry, her eyes darting to Binns before she continued. “If he’s so good at the mental arts he might have some solutions for dealing with nightmares too.”
Harry wrote:
“I’m not asking the git for anything that I don’t have to. I’ll sort out my nightmares myself.”
“Oh Harry-” Hermione started, her eyebrows furrowed in concern, before she quickly closed her mouth as she noticed Binns had turned away from the board and was now lecturing directly to the class.
Harry could feel Hermione sneaking glances at him for the rest of the class, but as far as he was concerned, that conversation was finished and he didn’t feel like reopening it.
*****
After History of Magic, Harry didn’t feel like going back to the Common Room with his friends, so he flew out of the room as soon as Binns dismissed them so he could dash off before Ron and Hermione got ready to walk out with him.
He knew Hermione meant well, but he couldn’t stop himself from getting so annoyed with her. She had no clue how hard Occlumency actually was to learn in his lessons with Snape, and practicing Occlumency wasn’t as easy as studying for an exam or revising a paper. Harry was learning that studying for the mental arts took a whole other level of discipline and concentration, two subjects that frankly, Harry had never felt he was all that strong in.
He wanted to go somewhere where his friends wouldn’t immediately look for him, so he found himself in the Owlery. Harry carefully set his bag down on a clean section of the floor, then walked through the rest of the owls until he found Hedwig. She made a cooing noise when she spotted Harry, then held her head up so Harry could stroke her.
Harry felt a little stab in his heart when he realized he wished that he would say “Hey girl” to Hedwig as he had done every other time he had gone to see her in the Owlery, or when she was delivering something to him over the summer. Just another person who was affected by Harry’s muteness.
Trying to bury the guilt he felt at not being able to talk to Hedwig, Harry made sure to stroke Hedwig extra gently, and even spent some time brushing some soot off her feathers to make sure her snowy white coat was as radiant as ever.
As he stroked Hedwig, Harry looked out over the castle and sighed. He hadn’t thought about how much he missed speaking until he saw Hedwig just now and realized he couldn’t greet her the way he had been doing for years. All those summers locked up in his room at the Dursley’s he always felt like talking to Hedwig every day helped keep him sane, even if she couldn’t talk back to him. She was a great listener, but even now when Harry had nothing to say, her presence still felt comforting.
After what felt like a while Harry realized he had been in the Owlery long enough so he leaned down and gave Hedwig a nuzzle with his cheek, then one last caress as he headed down the stairs.
*****