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Chapter Text

After

February 14th, 1990

It is very cold in the early morning light.

It is very cold and he is running . 

He’d forgotten his legs could move as fast as they are. 

It must only be five, six o’clock, but he’s screaming, begging for someone to help him. 

He hopes he’s screaming. 

In the meantime, he can’t stop running. 

The street names and houses are all unfamiliar. He is bolting through a never-ending residential neighborhood.

He realizes he could be anywhere in the whole country because he doesn’t remember anything after being tossed in the back of his captor’s van. 

His feet hurt. He hasn’t touched the ground outside in years. Nothing but the smooth, cool surface of that basement floor. The cold ground practically burns his soles but he cannot think about that. 

He cannot think about glancing back either. If that man is following him, if he’s trying to recapture him, he’s none the wiser, but one thing is certain:

He refuses to go back to that place alive. 

Nearby, someone’s garage door starts to open. Without thinking or waiting, he ducks under it.

Before

October 12th, 1986

Every morning at 7:00 AM on the dot, regardless of day of the week or holiday or even reminding her she doesn’t need to on the weekend, Mrs. Yang from two doors down will ring the doorbell, sending off a frenzy of flickering lights in his bedroom, bathroom, and living room. 

At first, he’d asked her to ring the bell on her way out for her morning run, just until his alarm clock got shipped from his parents’ house after moving here for his second half of college. But it’s been a year and she still does, so he’s up and at ‘em at 7:00 every morning regardless. He rolls out of bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The copper orange carpet below his socks generates enough electric charge to shock his hand when he touches the bathroom doorknob. It’s his least favorite part of this apartment, but the landlord, a man who’d once lived here with his late wife back when such carpeting was in fashion, has no desire to change it. 

And there he is in the oval, faded gold mirror above the sink. It’s funny his name is derived from the word ‘pity’ – it’s all anyone has ever given him, but it’s one word he’d never use for himself. 

As a deaf gay man, Xie Lian has been told his parents must be severely unlucky. Personally, he’s never felt the same. Sure, things were tough growing up, but it wasn’t all bad. Struggling to pick up two languages would’ve been even harder if he was born deaf, but he still had some traces of his hearing until he was five or six years old, allowing him some fluidity in Chinese and even English before the world went quiet. His parents, while being incredibly wealthy back in China, were middle class at best upon immigrating to California. They spent a small fortune on hearing aids when he was in elementary school, but by the time he was ten, these were abandoned as they did little to help him past the fourth grade. They got him the best help they could, bought the TeleCaption 3000 the year it came out and every single VHS tape with closed captioning they found, and even a TTY machine, but missed out on possibly the most important step: learning sign language. 

His mother only knows a few important, emergency signs, but she says she prefers to hear her son’s voice. Maybe that makes things easier for her , but reading lips constantly is exhausting. 

It’s why, two years into being sent his college course materials at home, he decided it was time to step out on his own and find more people like him. He can blame his mother for that desire too, after spending all of middle and high school at a school for the deaf. He loved it there, but it brought her shame. She kept him in a school for the hearing until he failed his first class. Finally, she relented, and it was the best thing for him. Still, it was only a small corner of the world. He wanted to experience even more. He wanted a boyfriend. 

OK, that last part was a bit ambitious. It was hard enough for hearing men to find boyfriends, let alone deaf men. The dating pool with other deaf and queer men wasn’t very large as it was. Some were total creeps, others just weren’t what he was looking for, and he didn’t want to settle just because he was lonely. Hearing men weren’t very interested in him. It tended to be a lose-lose scenario. 

Until recently, at least. 

As he exits the bathroom, he catches sight of a biker jacket he’d borrowed from Hua Cheng, a friend of his who lives by the school, who he isn’t ashamed to admit he has feelings for. Where those feelings will go, who knows, but it feels nice to fall for someone. 

Hua Cheng works at a mechanic shop and specializes in bikes and old cars. He’s deaf in one ear and hard of hearing in the other, only wearing a clunky silver hearing aid when at work. The rest of the time, he says, he’d rather tune out the bullshit of the world. He plays music in the shop loud enough for the bass to thrum through Xie Lian’s feet and rattle his skull. The Harley he drives around town has an incredibly satisfying rumble. And best of all, he always manages to find the best closed caption VHS tapes at the video store. That was actually how they first started hanging out. 

Recently, though, while walking on a pier, Hua Cheng asked him out. It was just to a diner by the college, but it was a date nonetheless. That was last week, and they’ve talked on TTY every night since. This afternoon, they’re meeting up to watch a football game together. 

Xie Lian does not care for football, but Hua Cheng says he placed a bet on the game and has to watch. He’s coming over around noon and they’re going to cook together and pretend to care – but really, it’ll give them an excuse to sit close together on the couch and talk for hours. For them, this means signing; something Xie Lian doesn’t get to do as much as he’d like. 

In fact, that’s how they met. Xie Lian was walking to school with a friend and trying to teach them a few signs. Shi Qingxuan, bless their heart, wasn’t catching on very fast. So, to better help them understand, he paused on the sidewalk and repeated the sign a few times. 

Unbeknownst to him, he’d stopped in front of a mechanic shop. The garage was open, and the young man inside was watching them curiously. Suddenly, he was standing at the door and signed to Xie Lian, “Do you need help? Or are you just showing your friend the sign for help?”

He was taken aback in more ways than one. Not only was this man fluent in sign, he was also easily the hottest guy Xie Lian had ever, ever seen. And so he stood there, stupefied and red faced, while Shi Qingxuan talked to the stranger. 

But Hua Cheng didn’t leave him out of the conversation. He gave Xie Lian a wink and told him, “Your friend says these lessons are hopeless, but they love you too much to give up.”

Eventually, Xie Lian came back to earth. “You sign well.”

“I have to.” He tapped the silver hearing aid on his left ear. 

Xie Lian thought there was no possible way he’d find such an ideal partner and he didn’t even know his name yet. He just knew that this man was the One, love at first sight, etc etc. And he could not stop blushing.

Anyway, that was two months ago, so he’s gotten the blushing under better control. At least now he’s not doing it constantly, but it’s still hard to avoid sometimes, as are his intense feelings for the man. This is evident by the way his heart jumps when the doorbell flashes – he’s as excited as some might be winning the lottery, because to Xie Lian, he has. 

As excited as he is to see Hua Cheng, he still takes his time going to the door. Still, he can’t help but smile when he sees him in the doorway, and thinks, He’s so hot.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Xie Lian can feel his face flushing already. “Come in?” 

“Sure,” Hua Cheng walks in with the confidence Xie Lian can only wish he could possess. Xie Lian is still standing by the door as Hua Cheng sinks onto the couch.  “What’s on?” 

He’s so tall , Xie Lian observes him from afar. The couch looks child-sized. Xie Lian eyes the TV. “ Golden Girls , looks like.”

“Huh. I love that show.”

“You do?”

“Yep. You ready to start cooking?” 

Hua Cheng knows his way around the kitchen. He says he used to work at his aunt’s restaurant for most of high school. He’s younger than Xie Lian by a few years, so that was only about three years ago. 

“Was the food there any good?” Xie Lian leaned back against the nearest counter, watching Hua Cheng pour a variety of minced vegetables into the pot. 

He turned to Xie Lian. “If I was behind the stove, it was good. On my days off, it was awful. Probably why it closed down last year.”

He grins. 

“My mom can’t cook either. That was Dad’s job.”

“Well…” Hua Cheng nods towards the collection of burnt pots in the sink, “You took after your mom, then.”

“San Lang…” He nudges him. It is true, though. Most nights, he either grabs carryout or microwaves whatever he can. That’s one of the reasons he loves it when Hua Cheng comes over; it ensures a good meal.

.

The closed captions have a decent delay. As it would turn out, the game is rather confusing. Hua Cheng resorts to writing down important terminology in lieu of fingerspelling. Xie Lian tries to remember everything he’s being told, but his head is spinning. What’s the difference between a quarterback and a cornerback, and who cares when Hua Cheng is so good looking, anyway? Halfway through, Hua Cheng tells him he already lost his bet and asks if Xie Lian would rather do something else. It was a good interruption, perfectly timed, because Xie Lian was getting himself worked up thinking about what it might feel like to kiss Hua Cheng. He’s never kissed anyone before or had the desire to. Now it’s all he can think about. 

Xie Lian pulls out his collection of board games. Hua Cheng chooses Clue . Fifteen minutes in, Xie Lian has a feeling Miss Scarlet did it in the lounge with a candlestick, but he can’t be sure until he checks the billiard room. 

“Hey.” 

Xie Lian looks up. 

“Are you busy tomorrow?”

“School. Classes in the morning, then I have a meeting in the afternoon. Why?” 

“Some other time. I’d like to meet up again.”

“Me too.” Xie Lian smiles at him. He wishes he had the courage to ask Hua Cheng to stay over sometime… 

Hua Cheng meets his eyes. “I have a race on Friday night.”

“You race?”

“Yup, just bikes. Not completely legal, but safe enough. Everyone’s betting against me. I’d love for you to be there to watch me win.”

While the idea of Hua Cheng speeding a hundred miles an hour down a track isn’t exactly comforting, he definitely wants to support him however he can. “OK. What time should I–”

“I’ll pick you up. Around 6, 6:30?” 

“Sounds good. What should I wear?” 

Hua Cheng looks around the living room, his eye catching his own leather jacket on the coatrack. “That.”

Xie Lian dips his head.

“I’ll take you to dinner after, if that’s OK with you.”

“If you win that race, you can take me anywhere in the world.”

***

October 17th, 1986

Mrs. Yang didn’t ring the bell this morning. She left a note yesterday that she’d be out of town for the weekend. Next month, she plans on moving to LA with her son, to help take care of her twin granddaughters after they’re born. It might be nice not to wake up at 7AM. 

Xie Lian is still up early-ish anyway. Fridays are work days, and work isn’t always easy to find for people like him. Fortunately, he got a part-time job sorting mail on campus last year. It’s tedious and makes his eyes hurt, but it pays enough to cover necessities, and the other employees mostly keep to themselves. 

On the way out of his apartment building – Hua Cheng calls it a glorified motel – he checks the mail and immediately sighs at the fancy penmanship on the only envelope. From the handwriting alone, it’s clear it’s from his mother. 

You could come visit me, you know , he’d once told her. I’m only an hour by car. 

But he stopped reminding her of that. She hated that he lived alone. She didn’t say the quiet part out loud: that she didn’t think he could handle living alone as a deaf person. Instead, she’d remind him of how unsafe it was living in the city. He could get mugged or kidnapped or worse. Anything could happen, A-Lian , she’d said through quivering lips. 

Yet it’s been a year and he’s still alive, so he must be doing something right. 

He reads her letter while waiting for the bus. 

She says she’s coming to town in a month – November 14th, to be exact – and yes, she knows she could wait until Thanksgiving break, but his father’s working that weekend, so they chose the week before. They’d like to stay with him for a few days and hope he comes home for winter break – there’s a girl they’d like him to meet. 

Gag me with a spoon , he stares up at the cloudy sky. When will they take the hint? 

Sure, he hasn’t come out to them yet, but come on. He’s never shown an interest in women. He had an intense obsession with the fox from Disney’s version of Robinhood as a kid, and as a teen there were no hotter men than Christopher Reeve (“I just really love Superman, Mom,” he’d said to justify the poster over his bed) and Bruce Lee (“I think it would be cool to learn martial arts like him,” he’d given as the reason his films were on nearly constantly in his room and his poster hung on the ceiling ).

 If she knew, she’d probably be devastated. The only thing worse than a deaf son, her only child, was a gay one. She worries about him enough as it is; if she knew he was gay, she’d think to put him in a bubble to avoid AIDS, which was synonymous with being gay in her mind. Being near a gay man was enough to catch it, she’d cautioned. If that was true, she would’ve caught it the day he was born, probably. 

Hua Cheng had a friend with AIDS. He used to work at a little cafe near the mechanic shop, then one day he just stopped coming in. His obituary was in the paper a few months later and Hua Cheng found out the details from a coworker. 

“That’s how I knew it wasn’t contagious like that, before all the research started coming out,” Hua Cheng told him early on. “Because he served hundreds of drinks a week. Now hearing what people say about it is even worse, just knowing what I do. Seeing what I’ve seen.”

For a twenty-one year old, he has wisdom and experiences far beyond his years. 

.

Campus is busy this morning. It looks like a bunch of local high schoolers are touring. He brushes through the crowd; he’s almost late. 

“Whoa~” His arm is caught before he can stumble after bumping into part of the crowd. He’s turned towards the person. “You’ve got to be careful, there.” It’s Professor Jun – he teaches psychology and philosophy. Xie Lian had him for his philosophy class last semester, and this semester he somehow ended up in his intro to psychology class. Even outside of class times, it seems like they keep bumping into each other. 

Xie Lian puts his hands together and bows slightly, then turns away. 

“What, am I getting the silent treatment?” Professor Jun doesn't let go right away. “Where are you headed?”

He offers the sign for work and then scurries away. He’ll apologize properly later. 

.

"And so these men, these ordinary members of society, were able to completely keep the authorities off their tails. They could, and continue to blend in with the rest of us. How is it possible? Aren't there tell-tale signs? Didn't someone see something?"

Xie Lian sits at the front of the class, watching Professor Jun intently. If he looks away at all, he won't be able to read his lips. Sure, the lecture notes help, but this man tends to ramble a bit on topics he's particularly passionate about. Today's subject? Serial killers. He's spent twenty minutes ranting about Ted Bundy.

"There are those who suspected he, like other serial killers, had antisocial personality disorder. A diagnosis, though, is easier said than done. People with this disorder, they're known to say exactly what people want to hear. Their true thoughts and feelings are often unclear. They know how to blend in better than most people, I'd wager. So how could they not get away with their crimes?"

Xie Lian starts doodling a sketch of Hua Cheng at the corner of his composition book. He wonders where he is right now. If he ever wanted to go to school. What he'd think of this zealous professor. If he's thinking of him right now...

***

A girl in the philosophy program volunteered to pierce his ears for him last semester. To pierce one would be too obvious if he’d like to stay closeted, so he had her pierce both. It felt like he bled forever after. The ice did nothing to numb the pain. 

But once they were pierced, she put in the coral bead earrings Xie Lian had brought with him to college – they once were his grandmother’s, and they are his most precious belongings.

Tonight, he wears them in support of Hua Cheng. Red is his signature color, after all. 

(And he has always found them lucky)

He wears a plain red t-shirt and his best jeans, pulling the biker jacket atop it. His hair, almost shoulder-length now, is pinned back out of his face so that the earrings are visible, and he wears way too many bracelets. Rubber bracelets passed around on campus and paracord bracelets and spiral bracelets and who knows what else. 

When the lights flicker on the wall, he knows Hua Cheng is here and his heart flutters with something between anxiety and excitement. 

Except when he opens the door, it’s not him. In fact, it’s no one at all. People used to ding dong ditch his parents’ house in the past, but this is a first for his apartment. It’s especially odd because there aren’t really any children in this complex. He looks both ways across the hall – nothing. 

But there is something on the floor. A small piece of paper. He pokes it with his foot. 

It’s a simple stick figure with an odd face expression:

A half smile, half frown. Weird. 

Hua Cheng arrives about ten minutes later. When he rings the bell, he rings it twice, and Xie Lian remembers that that’s how he rang the bell last time, too. Mental note. 

Hua Cheng is holding the note when Xie Lian opens the door. “What’s this?” 

Xie Lian admittedly startles at the sight of the damn note. “Throw that away,” He pulls Hua Cheng to the kitchen. “It’s creepy.”

“Did you see who left this?” 

“I didn’t see anything.” He watches Hua Cheng throw the note away and loosens his shoulders. “Sorry. It’s good to see you.”

Hua Cheng touches his cheek. “It’s good to see you too,” He says. His gaze is fond enough to send tingles straight through him. “You ready? You look cute.”

“San Lang…”

“What? It’s true.” He wraps an arm around Xie Lian and leads him to the door. “We’ll take my car. My bike’s already there.”

The car in question is a 1969 Pontiac Firebird, bright red and shimmering like it’s fresh out of the carwash. Xie Lian puts a hand on his hip. “Where’d you get this?”

“My brother and I bought it together a few years back. It was beat up in a crash and we restored it. I look after it while he’s deployed.” He gives the hood a pat. “Way more work than it’s worth. Expensive.”

“It’s pretty.” 

Hua Cheng laughs. “It’s supposed to look cool. But pretty’s OK, I guess.” He opens the passenger door for Xie Lian. 

Once he’s seated, he looks up at the ceiling. “Is this a convertible?”

There’s a glint of mischief in Hua Cheng’s eyes. “Sure is. I can put the top down once we’re out of town.”

Xie Lian clutches his knees. He has a crazy idea, but he won’t propose it yet. 

The city looks different as the sun goes down. Xie Lian rarely goes out at night, and if he does it’s just to campus and back – nothing out of walking distance. Since he has to rely so heavily on his vision, it’s not the safest to wander alone at night, and it’s not like he has a car or, prior to now, knew anyone with one. 

But this is nice. It feels safe and the sky is a pretty orange. It makes him think of Halloween. Not his favorite holiday by a long-shot, but a friend loaned him both Poltergeist films, and maybe if he invites Hua Cheng over to watch with him it’ll give him an excuse to hold onto him during the scary scenes – 

God, he’s shameless. 

Soon, they’re out of the city, but Hua Cheng avoids the freeway and sticks to the backroads instead. The bass of whatever music he’s listening to thrums against Xie Lian’s legs. 

Then, after coming to a stop on an empty road, he brings the top down of the car and says, “You can sit on top of the bench back there. It’s fun.”

“Are you sure…?”

“I’ll keep you safe.”

Slowly, Xie Lian climbs into the back seat. He sits atop the bench as instructed, but clings to the leather just to be safe. As Hua Cheng drives forward, the wind starts to toss Xie Lian’s hair. It feels good. When he speeds up, it feels even better. 

The fields around them are still covered in the remnants of this year’s harvest and the air smells sweet and fresh, increasingly so the further they get from the city. It’s beautiful out here – in the distance, he can see the sunset over the ocean, and to his right and straight ahead lie the tall, foreboding mountains. It is nightfall and he isn’t scared. 

When he’s with Hua Cheng, he’s not afraid of anything. 

He tips his head back, arms reaching out wide to catch the air. 

He doesn’t know that Hua Cheng takes a picture.

.

The race is held at an actual track, to Xie Lian’s surprise. Well, something like a track. It’s dirt instead of paved and there are no bleachers like one would expect, but there are people everywhere . Most brought their own chairs, but others sat in the dry grass on a hill. Nearby, there is a tall chain-link fence that overlooks the vast wilderness. Hua Cheng says it’s someone else’s property, but no one ever complains about the noise. He sits him at the top of the hill, a good distance from the others. There are spotlights illuminating where they walk, otherwise, he’d have no idea what Hua Cheng wants to tell him. 

“Demolition Derbies happen here too, and they’re up first tonight.” He says and signs simultaneously. “And people get rowdy. I’m going to finish checking in, then I’ll join you until it’s closer to race time.”

Xie Lian takes his hand. “You’re not… you’re not going to do something like that, are you?”

He offers a wink. “Only if I start a losing streak. Otherwise, I’ll avoid that kind of thing.”

.

He’s racing against four others – three men and one woman who apparently never loses. She’s middle aged and a crowd favorite. That means, when Hua Cheng wins, nobody will be pleased about it. 

He sees some betting going on, which will probably result in even more discontentment. He palms his pocket for the 20 he stuffed in there last minute and hurries down to the concession area. He sees people betting 100 dollar bills. This is a bit bigger than he thought. Still, when he gets to the front of the line, he places the bill down on the counter and says without hesitation, “I’m betting on Hua Cheng.”

He doesn’t have to be hearing to know people laugh at him, but the person behind the counter takes the bill anyway. “ If you say so, but… ” The rest of his words are garbled, but Xie Lian nods firmly. 

He bumps into Hua Cheng on the way back up the hill. “I was looking for you,” He says, taking Xie Lian’s arm. “Were you betting on me?”

Xie Lian nods. 

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I don’t mind the extra pocket money when you win.”

Hua Cheng puts an arm around his shoulders. He laughs and says something, but Xie Lian doesn’t catch it. 

.

When the race is set to begin, it’s clear that the female racer is more than a fan favorite – she’s something of an icon. Though it’s hard to see clearly from all the way up here, he notices that she’s particularly friendly to Hua Cheng, seemingly joking with him. She even pinches his cheek. He wonders how they know each other. 

As the racers climb onto their bikes, Xie Lian crosses his fingers on both hands. Good luck, San Lang. 

The race kicks off with two racers left in the dust, meaning Hua Cheng, the woman, and a third racer have quite the head start. Xie Lian keeps his fingers crossed the whole time and flinches as they cross the first few bends in the track, terrified that Hua Cheng will go flying. With each lap, it gets easier to watch. Soon, Hua Cheng has taken the lead. And it’s a good thing too, because he’s a far enough distance ahead to avoid having to dodge the mess that occurs when one of the racers skids out sideways. Those left dodging have to slow down and swerve out of the way, giving him an even further lead. 

When he manages a quick glance at the rest of the crowd, they don’t seem very pleased at this development, but Xie Lian can’t stop himself from smiling. Go, go faster! You’ve got this, San Lang! 

On the final lap, Hua Cheng and the woman are still neck and neck. But on the last curve, he manages to pull ahead, winning by a hair. The woman raises a fist in the air in celebration, much to the surprise of the crowd. And as soon as they come to a stop, she’s off her bike and celebrating alongside him, an arm around him. Xie Lian didn’t realize he was on his feet - he’d be the only one. But he doesn’t care! Hua Cheng won! He was fucking awesome and he fucking won!! 

The next few minutes are a blur until he’s found Hua Cheng in the crowd. “San Lang!” He hugs him tight, just for a beat, then two, then pulls back. “You were incredible!”

The woman from earlier is just behind them. She says something affirmatively, patting Hua Cheng’s shoulder. 

“Oh,” Hua Cheng steps aside so the woman can greet him. “I should make introductions. This is my mother.” 

“S-San Lang~!” Xie Lian’s face goes red. He bows low to try and hide it, but this woman, Hua Cheng’s mother (and thanks a lot for not warning him, Hua Cheng!) gently takes his arms. Once he’s looking up, she signs, “Nice to meet you. You enjoy the race?” 

He stares at her blankly, like a deer in headlights. Could she be any cooler? 

She laughs. “My ex-husband had a genetic condition. I have two sons with hearing impairments. I had to do my best to learn or they’d all have an excuse to ignore me!” 

Her signs are riddled with errors, but he appreciates the effort and enthusiasm she greets him with. 

Finally, he composes himself. “You are very talented. At racing and sign, too.”

When she smiles, she looks just like her son. “I’m glad you came. I’m retiring, but I hope to see you again sometime. Maybe you can come to my son’s next race? We can sit together.”

Xie Lian nods. “I’d like that.”

She gives his hand a squeeze. “Alright, I’ll leave you two alone. Get him home safe, A-Cheng. Have fun until then.” 

.

Xie Lian collects his winnings, an incredible $200 profit, and returns to the car while Hua Cheng loads up his bike in his mother’s truck. She stores it at her place since it’s more secure, a ways outside of the city. 

It’s much colder now than it was earlier this evening. He’s glad to have Hua Cheng’s jacket around him, but it can’t stop the chill running through him. He feels like he’s being watched, even though most of the crowd has left. No one is around and it’s very, very dark once the lights go out. 

Paranoid, he looks out the rearview at the forest behind him. How many animals are just beyond the treeline? People disappear in the woods all the time, eaten by wolves or mountain lions… and certainly there are serial killers too. 

“I’m being ridiculous,” He tells himself, looking away. He’ll feel better once Hua Cheng is back. But damn, where is he?

Clank! Something rolls down the front windshield. He grips the seat tightly. He does not want to look behind him. 

CLANK! Something even bigger hits the windshield. It looked almost like… a ball, or something similar? Without meaning to, he glances at the rearview again. 

And there he sees it. 

No, It . 

Someone dressed in a complete clown costume, their smile painted well past their lips on a chalky white face, is standing just behind the car. They give a little wave, and then clank! another object rolls down the windshield. Xie Lian scrambles to lock the driver and passenger door, his breath tight in his throat. There’s no sense in running and no way to drive, so he just hunches down. They’re a fucking creep, that’s certain, but whether they’re dangerous or not is not something he’d like to find out. 

Hurry San Lang, please hurry, please let this be some stupid Halloween prank…

Even though he’d mentally begged Hua Cheng to hurry, the moment he feels him touch his arm, he involuntarily screams. He screams again when Hua Cheng turns his face toward him, even after he’s turned the car on. 

“Hey, hey! It’s me! What’s up? What happened?”

“Damn it! Drive, please drive!” 

“OK,” Hua Cheng looks very worried, but he doesn’t protest or hesitate, and soon they’re speeding down the road. Xie Lian looks everywhere, but there’s no sign of the clown. 

“Hey,” Hua Cheng gently touches his leg. “What happened?”

He tells him about the clown, about how the creep had thrown multiple things at the car. Hua Cheng tells him he didn’t see anything on or around the car.

.

When they get back to the city, Xie Lian realizes he’ll soon be alone. After the odd drawing at his door and the clown at the raceway, this is something he’d very much not like to be. So, when Hua Cheng pulls into the parking lot at the apartment complex, Xie Lian asks, “Will you come in?” 

This is how he finds himself cuddled up to Hua Cheng half an hour later, under one blanket on the couch while watching late night TV. He tries to focus on the closed captions but every sense is drawn to Hua Cheng beside him. They’ve got a bowl of popcorn between them, but Xie Lian isn’t really hungry. He is, however, feeling much better, mostly after getting over the initial awkwardness of their position. It feels nice. 

It feels great, actually, when Hua Cheng puts an arm around him. In his arms, he thinks he’s safe.

During

???, 1989

Safety is a lie. A goddamn fucking joke. He was never safe. He’ll never be safe, not as long as He ’s alive. 

Today’s crossword puzzle in the Times is exceptionally difficult. Seven letter word for ‘an American right’. 

He doesn’t know the date. That man cuts off the year and only gives Xie Lian the crosswords and comics. 

Maybe tomorrow he’ll give him a real paper. He’d like to know how many people that earthquake killed. Yesterday, He said it was worse up the coast. 

For a split second yesterday, when the earth trembled so violently, he almost figured out that seven letter word. If the upstairs collapsed, he could escape the basement he’s been imprisoned in for the past three years by a man who never shows his face. 

But the house was spared. The basement is in mint condition. 

So he doesn’t know that seven-letter word. He’s not sure he ever will.

He wonders when everyone on the outside realized that. When they stopped looking for him.

Chapter Text

After

February 14th, 1990

C-RASH!!!

He’s on the ground. He’s looking up at the spare tire on the back of a boxy, silver-ish and brown car. Turns out, whoever had opened the garage door was trying to back out just now. 

The brake lights go off, and then there’s a person standing over him, shouting at him. His vision is blurry, but still, it’s the first face he’s seen in years. So he smiles, just faintly, before blacking out. 

“What the hell ! I don’t have time for this! Fuck!” The man storms over to his mudroom door to call for someone. Nearby, his neighbors heard the commotion. One woman with a baby in a stroller comes jogging across the street. 

People start to whisper. Attempted break-in? Drug issues? Doesn’t he look like that missing person from a few years back? What was his name again? 

…

He wakes up again as he’s being lifted into an ambulance. He glances around, unable to move much due to the immobilizer. They’re trying to talk to him, but the world’s too blurry to try and read lips. 

He can’t stop shaking. 

It takes a long time to realize that it’s because of his pure joy. 

He’s out. 

He thinks of his parents. He has to be strong for them. It’s been so long – to see him as weak as he is now would only hurt them more. 

The ambulance starts to move. He thinks the paramedic above him is asking for his name, but he doesn’t want to use his voice anymore. 

Before

October 18th, 1986

Hua Cheng stayed the night. It wasn’t exactly the plan, but when Xie Lian started to doze off last night, Hua Cheng didn’t want to wake him. 

So here they are, waking up to the doorbell flashing. It’s half past eight, so definitely not Mrs. Yang coming back early to do her daily wakeup call. Xie Lian sits up a bit, cheeks immediately flushing as he realizes they’d slept like that on the couch. The TV is still on, now playing some boring gameshow. And whoever’s at the door will see that Hua Cheng slept over, and…

Hua Cheng hugs his waist, keeping him seated. He murmurs something into his back. Xie Lian wonders if he’s not a morning person. After all, they’ve really only ever met up in the afternoons and evenings. 

The lights flash again. This time, Hua Cheng springs up and signs, “I’ll answer it.”

Xie Lian wants to stop him, but memories of the day before come flooding back – that creepy drawing and the lunatic in the clown costume at the racetrack. So he lingers back, retreating into the kitchen lest it look like they’d just woken up together. 

He glances up at the door and simultaneously feels relieved and mortified at who’s standing there: his friend from school, Shi Qingxuan. Their lips are just about the hardest to read out of anyone’s because of how fast they talk. “OHMYGOSH why the….. tell me you had a BOYFRIEND?! … crazy because like … tell me everything but not about this ???” seems to be all Xie Lian can get out of their rant. Shi Qingxuan smacks their hands down on the counter as they sit at one of the ugly brown barstools there. “Hi, by the way.”

Xie Lian offers a weak wave. 

“...go shopping today, remember?” 

He did not, in fact, remember that. But it’s a Saturday morning and they’re both off work, so he probably said yes. Hua Cheng lingers behind Shi Qingxuan, so Xie Lian ropes him in. “Can you ask Qingxuan where we’re shopping? I forget. Do you want to come along?” 

Judging by the look on his face, he’s not quite fully awake yet. So he’s not a morning person. Still, he asks the question and gives Xie Lian the answer. “The mall. Halloween costumes.”

“Not your thing?”

“I didn’t know you had plans for that night. I wanted to go somewhere with you.”

Oh, San Lang… could you be any more perfect? “It’s just the school carnival. I volunteered to help Qingxuan run a booth for the first half of the night.”

“Carnival?”

“It’s gonna be really fun,” Shi Qingxuan gushes. “I tried to …… dunk tank, but he…”

Hua Cheng smiles and looks at Xie Lian. “No dunk tanks for you.”

“Too cold,” He defends himself. 

“Alright, fine. Can I meet you at the carnival that night? I’ll have to buy a costume sometime.”

“You should come with us!” Shi Qingxuan exclaims. “Neither… drive. …totally…your car! It was cool as…” 

Xie Lian gives up trying to lip read. He looks down at Hua Cheng’s hands and notices they’re moving. Is he… interpreting for me? 

He is, and Xie Lian gets that funny feeling in his heart again. Hua Cheng agrees to go to the mall with them, but he has to eat first and shower if his host permits. Shi Qingxuan gives Xie Lian a look and then wiggles their eyebrows. 

.

While Hua Cheng makes omelets for breakfast, Xie Lian does some washing up. Shi Qingxuan is such a teaser, but they did raise an important point by calling Hua Cheng his boyfriend. At what point do they go official like that? He wants to be, but they’ve only gone on two official dates. Isn’t it too soon? Are there rules for this type of thing? And besides, they haven’t even kissed yet— 

He turns the water cold and rests his head against the wall. That’s a thought for another time. Besides, would Hua Cheng even want to kiss him? And then what happens after that? Xie Lian is strong but slim. He’s been told he has a nice face but never really believed it. There’s no way Hua Cheng would be or even is sexually attracted to him. He deserves a guy on the same level as him, looks-wise, because Hua Cheng is drop-dead gorgeous. 

.

They leave the apartment after breakfast – an upgrade from Xie Lian’s nearly daily Eggos or cereal– and Xie Lian is once again wearing Hua Cheng’s jacket. This time, he makes the excuse that he can’t find where he packed his other jackets away. Shi Qingxuan knows that’s BS, but decides to link arms with him anyway and offers to help him find a new one at the mall today. 

They sit in the back of Hua Cheng’s car so they can properly talk – Shi Qingxuan brought a new notepad for the occasion and gets straight to work. He says what he writes so that Hua Cheng can hopefully stay in the loop when needed. 

Sooooo… when did you two start dating? ;) 

WE’RE NOT OFFICIALLY DATING, JUST GOING OUT!! 

Hua Cheng says something similar, but his eyes linger on Xie Lian a moment longer. Xie Lian’s ears turn red. 

Shi Qingxuan nudges him. What’s the difference? Going out, dating, that’s the same thing! 

We’ve gone on a few dates, yes. But we’re not exclusive… 

Shi Qingxuan seems to disagree. You seeing anyone else? 

No…

Is HE seeing anyone else? 

Not that I know of

Then how is that not exclusive? Baby you are in DENIAL that man is your BOYFRIEND

Don’t get me wrong, I want him to be. We just haven’t talked about it yet. I’m not in a rush, we’re having fun. 

Denial. I see how you look at him. More importantly, I see how he looks at you! Hey, what’s the sign for boyfriend? 

The mall, as expected, is busy. Xie Lian doesn’t prefer the crowds – it’s why he does most of his shopping in the early morning, but today is an exception. Besides, he has two people who can hear with him, which means the likelihood of him colliding with someone is slim. 

Hua Cheng parks as close to the main entrance as he can, but it’s tight. Xie Lian opens the door as carefully as he can, doing his best not to nick the Jeep parked beside them. It’s a beautiful day, and he’s going to have fun instead of thinking about labels. 

First stop is the food court because it’s closest. Shi Qingxuan orders an Icee. Xie Lian says he’ll pass, even though he knows someone else could order for him. They pass a plethora of stores, but nothing really catches Xie Lian’s eye until they approach the video store. He tugs Hua Cheng’s sleeve and points at the door. “Let’s go in.”

There are plenty of great movies that have come out this year, like Top Gun and Texas Chainsaw Massacre II and Ferris Bueller's Day Off , but since theaters don’t offer closed captioning, he has to wait ages for them to come out on VHS. Most excitingly, there’s a movie featuring a deaf actress called Children of a Lesser God that just released with fairly promising reviews, but there are no local theaters with any closed captioning and he’s read it can be hard to follow at times, even with the actors signing in many scenes. Growing up, closed captioning was a rarity. Most of his childhood was spent guessing what the people on TV were saying. He came up with quite the interesting scripts. Thankfully, a lot of major companies were starting to add closed captions as an option, turning him into quite the cinephile upon starting college. Prior to this month, he was quite the horror film enthusiast. They aren’t as scary without the music and eerie noises and shrieks anyway. But after last night… he’s not sure he’d like to watch a horror film at the moment. 

That is, until Hua Cheng triumphantly holds up a copy of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 and flashes a grin. Then, he’ll watch whatever he wants. Shi Qingxuan naturally gravitates towards the lovey-dovey films. Xie Lian spends a long time looking at the Disney releases instead. 

“Hey,” Shi Qingxuan gently touches his elbow, drawing his attention. “This movie has a gay couple.” 

Xie Lian smiles at him, taking the VHS case into his hands. But as he turns it front to back and even sideways, his excitement fades. 

“What is it?” 

“There’s no closed captions,” Hua Cheng answers for him. “Most newer films have them now, but not all, especially from smaller studios. It’s too bad. It looks interesting.”

“Well that’s bullshit,” Shi Qingxuan puts the movie back. “Why can’t every movie just have them? And why aren’t they just built into TVs? Everyone could use them, especially during scenes where the actors are mumbling…” Xie Lian is staring at him, a little lost. Hua Cheng pats Shi Qingxuan’s shoulder. “When you speak to him, or even me, try to enunciate your words more – slow down a bit. Not excessively, but just enough that we can follow what you’re saying. And try to remember to look at him when you’re talking to him – it gets confusing otherwise.”

“Sorry,” Their cheeks pinken a bit. “I really need to learn more sign. If I wasn’t so swamped with work, I’d dedicate the whole weekend to it.”

Xie Lian signs, “I admire your effort. Keep practicing.” 

.

“I’m thinking like a sexy Frankenstein? I’m going ambitious this year. I need my booth to win the most sales.” Shi Qingxuan holds up a costume. Elsewhere, Hua Cheng is staring blankly at a long row of costumes. Xie Lian doesn’t know where to look. His parents were adamantly against Halloween as a kid, and he’d rather stay in all night on Halloween anyway. Since he’s helping at the carnival, he doesn’t have a choice. Still, since he and Hua Cheng are going out after, he can’t go for anything too crazy, so sexy Frankenstein is out of the question. Still, he’d like to look somewhat cute… 

“See anything you like yet?” Shi Qingxuan asks, holding up another risque costume to themself. “You’d look cute in that one!” 

The costume in question is some sort of Top Gun reference, he’s sure. He wouldn’t know though, he hasn’t seen it yet. 

“ Ooh , what about Elvira? You could totally rock an Elvira.”

He shakes his head. No way is he showing that much skin! 

While Shi Qingxuan continues debating between several revealing costumes and Hua Cheng starts picking through some very basic costumes, Xie Lian decides to look around another section with Halloween decorations. He didn’t even get a pumpkin to set out this year– then again, a pumpkin on his balcony is kind of pointless. 

There are a few creepy masked mannequins with obscene prices. He imagines this place is probably playing spooky music and has a slightly different vibe for the hearing. The kids in here seem delighted at the mannequins – most of them anyway. There are a few hiding behind their mothers’ legs. 

As he stares at a decent looking witch costume – not incredibly revealing but not boring, either, he feels something tap his shoulder. Quickly spinning around, he expects to find Shi Qingxuan or Hua Cheng standing there. But there’s no one. 

Maybe a kid …? 

Then it happens again. He looks down at the floor where an object had fallen. It’s a clown nose… 

Most likely? It’s a kid messing with him. 

But then his stubborn mind can’t stop thinking of that damn clown from yesterday. Is this what it was throwing at the car? What does it want with him? His heart starts to pound. This time, when he turns around again, there’s someone standing in the next aisle over. Not a clown, but a man in a Jason Vorhees mask he’d picked up from the shelf. He’s dressed all in black and his gloved hand offers a wave. He doesn’t move forward or away, but he’s making it clear he’s staring at Xie Lian. 

Xie Lian turns away and walks in the other direction as calmly as he can. It took everything in him not to flip the man off. But when he reaches the edge of the aisle, the man jumps out from his aisle, arms extended in hopes to scare him. He probably said “Boo” and everything. 

Xie Lian hadn’t meant to yelp. He rarely makes noise around strangers. He’s stared at and laughed at enough anyway. But this man got it out of him, which makes him even more embarrassed. 

Suddenly, there’s a comforting hand on his shoulder. Hua Cheng’s. He’s talking to the man, gesturing quite aggressively. The man offers a childlike wave and then disappears down the aisle again. 

“Damn weirdo,” Hua Cheng mumbles. He’s holding a shopping bag. Eager to change the subject, Xie Lian asks, “What costume did you buy?”

“Do you want it to be a surprise?”

“Not really.” 

“OK. It’s boring. I got a pirate costume, complete with an eyepatch.”

“Perfect. I love it.”

“How about a vampire?! We could add fangs and red lipstick and–” Shi Qingxuan carries over a pile of various accessories, and Xie Lian is so eager to leave that he agrees to it. He never saw the strange man leave the store. 

***

Xie Lian lingers close to Hua Cheng for the rest of their time at the mall, primarily as they windowshop. Eventually, they come across an arcade and Hua Cheng promises to win something for him on the claw machine in one go. Shi Qingxuan gives him two quarters in case he doesn’t win it the first time. 

Hua Cheng stands in front of the machine. “Which one do you want?”

There are a plethora of weird, Looney-Toon looking characters. The most sensible option is a larger white teddy bear. It’s wedged towards the back, but… “I promise to love whichever one you grab.”

“But you want the bear, right?” Hua Cheng slips a coin into the machine and begins to maneuver the joystick. 

“Yes…”

Sure enough, the claw is now directly over the bear. Still, he moves it back just a little further, then presses the button on the joystick. The claw sinks down and grips the bear. Sure enough, it lifts it unsteadily and wheels it towards the exit. When it drops the bear, it almost lands back in the pile with the other prizes. “That was close,” Hua Cheng blows out a breath. Xie Lian applauds him. He bends down and grabs his prize – it’s even more special now. “I love it. Thank you.”

Shi Qingxuan claps as well. “Hey! Can you win me one too? That Tweety Bird one is so freaking cute!”

Hua Cheng inserts the next coin. Fifteen seconds later, Tweety Bird is dropped into the chute. Shi Qingxuan squeals. “You are so good! Xie Lian, how did you get so lucky?”

His eyes widen. Qingxuan, I just told you we’re not – 

“I think I’m the lucky one,” Hua Cheng replies. “Now, who thinks they can beat me at air hockey?”

“I know I can, but…” Shi Qingxuan gently nudges Xie Lian, “I just remembered, there was this cute top in another store with only one left in my size. I’m going to go back and grab it! Don’t wait for me.” As they exit the arcade, they do a series of totally obvious winking.

What are you trying to do? 

“Sure thing.” Hua Cheng waves them off. Once Shi Qingxuan is gone, Xie Lian hugs the bear close to his chest. “Thanks again for taking us today, San Lang. I had fun.”

“Except for the creep in the store, yeah.” He tilts his head. “Do I get a reward for winning the bear for you?”

Xie Lian’s face grows better by the second, but he doesn’t avert Hua Cheng’s gaze. “What would you like?” 

“Hmm…” Hua Cheng leans in close, gently cupping Xie Lian’s chin. “How about this?” 

He wants to kiss him. He stands on the tips of his toes and he waits, but Hua Cheng doesn’t do it. He brushes his thumbs against Xie Lian’s cheeks, then says, “Too many people. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

But Hua Cheng doesn’t look like it’s fine. There’s frustration in his gaze. Xie Lian wishes he would just kiss him already. 

***

Later that day, once Xie Lian is home and alone, he realizes how cold and empty his apartment feels without Hua Cheng. Though they only spent the night together, he let his mind wander as to what it would be like if they actually lived together. It was more exciting than he’d like to admit. When he moved up here, he’d considered getting a roommate, but… people are weird. And they have a lot of misconceptions about deaf people, so he’d either have to find a deaf roommate or beg his potential hearing one to set up certain aids around the apartment, which seemed like too much. 

Hence, he’s here alone. He looks down at the bag carrying his ridiculous vampire costume and shakes his head. He’s going to look ridiculous, but there are worse costumes out there. 

During sunset, he sits out on the balcony and watches the quiet city neighborhood. Some kids are outside playing in an alleyway. Two people are smoking on the balcony across from his. Someone above them is having a houseparty. He’s never been to one of those, outside of the small gatherings his parents held. What might that be like? 

Shi Qingxuan is really popular on campus. They’re constantly at parties or other events. Xie Lian only knows a few other people on campus himself, being that very few people know how to talk to him – it’s easier to just ignore him. Feng Xin, his notetaker in his statistics and biology classes, is one of the few who actually tries to accommodate him. Then there’s Mu Qing, Feng Xin’s frenemy who somehow always runs into the two of them. He’s an art major who details car interiors and sometimes apartments if money’s tight enough. He hates his job but is always curious about Xie Lian’s. It seems like he’s always watching. 

He’s already told him to keep away from Hua Cheng, that he’s no-good. When Xie Lian asked why he felt that way, Mu Qing refused to say. He instead told him that there was a club on campus where he could hang out with and even date much finer specimens. 

He was, of course, referring to the Gay Alliance, which met in some quiet corner of the English building. And sure, the folks were nice enough, but once again no one knew how to talk to him. He went to one or two of their events before meeting Shi Qingxuan. 

One of the kids playing in the alleyway falls and skins their knee. Their mouth is open wide, indicating wails. They’re little, probably only four or five. Xie Lian hopes the mother is nearby. He doubts the kids would take to a random stranger like himself approaching them with a first aid kit, anyway. 

He decides to call it a day and prep dinner. As soon as he slides the door shut, he notices his TTY machine lighting up and quickly goes to answer it without seeing who’s calling, assuming it’s Hua Cheng. 

A-Lian, I’ve been calling all day! Where were you? 

Oh, great. His mother. 

Sorry. I was out with some friends. 

He’s anticipating her fretting. ‘What friends, do we know these friends, do they take drugs’, etc. Instead, she seems happy about it. 

That’s great! Did you have fun? What did you do?? 

Of course, she has to know every detail anyway. 

The mall. It was fine, we bought some costumes. 

Sounds fun! 

Then, after a moment, A-Lian, I’m also calling because I’ve been a little worried about you. You don’t call nearly as much these days. Did you get my letter? Do you not want to see us? 

Of course I want to see you! I haven’t called because - 

His mother types over him. And on the nights I try to call, I get a busy signal. I’m glad you have a social life, but don’t you go forgetting about us! 

He sighs. I’ve just been really busy recently with school. And I’ve made a few more friends, is all. They call a lot. I got your letter and I can’t wait to see you and Dad. 

He can’t tell her he’s falling in love, that there appears to be an influx of creepy men in the area, or that he has a C in biology. He can only pretend everything’s exactly as he’d left it at the end of the summer. He knows his parents rest easier thinking that. 

The doorbell flashes. Saved by the bell … He thinks, hurriedly typing an excuse to his mom. He hangs up before she can finish her answer. 

This time before answering the door, he checks the peep hole. Someone’s standing there, but he can’t see their face – it’s above the peep hole. They ring the bell again. He doesn’t move. 

And then they crouch down, face level to the peep hole. 

It’s a man in a clown mask. 

Xie Lian jolts backward as he feels the vibration of their knock on the door. He checks to see that the deadbolt is locked and then tiptoes away to the phone. This is no coincidence – someone, for whatever reason, is following him. 

He hopes it’s meant to be some prank in poor-taste, but he can’t be too sure. 

He calls Hua Cheng, but he doesn’t answer. Maybe he stopped to run errands before heading home. Maybe he’s with his family. Maybe he’s dead in the parking lot after being gutted by this creep – 

He feels sick as he dials again. Nothing. 

As soon as he silently sets down the receiver, the phone lights up. But he realizes he can’t answer it. If he does, the man outside the door will know he’s home. He probably assumes it, but he can’t know for sure unless he’s been here all afternoon. 

He doesn’t recognize the number that called anyway. 

The doorbell flashes again. Xie Lian hangs up the receiver and retreats into his bedroom. He pushes his dresser in front of the door and then picks up the TTY receiver by his bed. This time, he calls Shi Qingxuan. Shi Qingxuan doesn’t have a TTY machine, just an ordinary phone. He doesn’t know if Shi Qingxuan answers but he just repeats over and over again to please call Feng Xin – he lives closest– and have him come over. Xie Lian wishes he had his number. 

He sets down the receiver and goes over to the door. He sits atop the dresser and waits.

Feng Xin is there in ten minutes. He has a spare key to Xie Lian’s apartment. He tells him there was a little stuffed bear outside the apartment door, but no one was around. 

***

October 21st, 1986

On Tuesday during Professor Jun’s office hour, he places a note on his desk with a question he didn’t have time to ask yesterday after the lecture. Professor Jun smiles and reads it aloud. “Was John Wayne Gacy also a psychopath? – John Wayne Gacy? Why do you want to know about him? I know he’s been in the news fairly recently, but it’s a bit gruesome. Doesn’t seem like your forte.” 

He starts scribbling down another message. He would dress as a clown sometimes, right? And then kidnap and murder young men? 

“Oh, so we are in a gruesome mood.” He chuckles. “I’m no expert, but yes, that’s what the rumors say. I don’t think he was dressed as a clown while doing the kidnapping and murdering though. Why do you ask? If you want to write your term paper on psychopaths, I have a few books…”

Do men like him… have fans? People who might want to copy the things they did?

“Unfortunately, yes. Though it’s rare that they actually do, some certainly do take inspiration from other criminals. Couple that with Stephen King’s new novel about that clown, which I’m sure is inspiring people to dress like that. Now,” He places a hand over the notepad. “Do I get to know what this is about?” 

“Sorry,” His professor knows that sign anyway, along with his next one. “Thank you!”

Xie Lian skips his class that afternoon and goes straight home. He locks the door and every window and curls up in bed for the rest of the day. 

***

October 23rd, 1986

When he dropped off Xie Lian after the mall on Saturday, Hua Cheng did say he’d be really busy over the next few days, but they hadn’t seen each other and only spoke once since then. With the weekend just two days away, Xie Lian is starting to overthink. Did he do something wrong last weekend?  

Would it be weird to call? Would he seem too clingy? He should just leave it alone. Hua Cheng will call when he—

The TTY machine lights up and Xie Lian answers immediately. Hua Cheng is the first to type.

hey

Sorry I know it’s been forever

Work sucks right now working on a high paying client

We are working on a total restoration of an old ass VW 

Put in 16 hrs today ugh but that’s no excuse

How are you GA

Xie Lian had been waiting his turn to fervently reply with how very much OK it is that he’s been so busy, but he had to wait for that ‘GA’, or ‘go ahead’, to do so. Finally, he starts to type. And maybe it’s because there’s a tiny bit of wine in his system that he’s so brutally honest and blunt… 

It’s fine I just really miss you 

I mean

Forget I said that that’s embarrassing

Get some rest don’t worry about me or anything GA

I’ll come over

Before Hua Cheng can finish, Xie Lian hurriedly types

GET SOME REST FIRST GA

But I want to talk to you, Hua Cheng replies. I could walk you to school tomorrow? GA

I’d like that. GA

I’ll be there at 8

They talk for a while longer and make plans to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 this weekend. Then, Xie Lian wraps a blanket around himself and turns on the TV. There’s a true crime drama on. He flinches and switches the channel to another gameshow. Family Feud doesn’t typically involve murderers and psychopaths. 

During

October 31st, 1989

Xie Lian is huddled in the corner that gets the most natural light. There is a very small window, too high up for him to reach, by the bed. He’s tried throwing things at it and breaking it open, but even if he did, what would be the point? From the looks of it, this window faces the backyard, with nothing but trees behind it. And it didn’t seem like anyone heard his struggles in the past, so he saved his energy. 

The man comes down the stairs and switches on the light. He has a little plastic pumpkin in hand. “Happy Halloween,” His lips read. They are the only visible part of the ski-mask he wears, a personal favorite of his. He tosses the bucket at him - the candy spills out everywhere. He tries not to look, but it’s been years since he’s had candy. Skittles, Blowpops, Nerds, Smarties… and best of all, mini chocolate bars. 

“I went to a Halloween party,” the man explains. “How about a little gratitude? I was feeling extra generous today, I could’ve taken it all for myself.” 

He doesn’t alway catch all the man’s words. Today is no different. But he does catch ‘gratitude’, so he puts his hands together, head bowed. Abruptly, the man jerks Xie Lian’s head up, squeezing his jaw. “Voice.” He orders, eyes dark. 

At first, almost three years ago, the man had Xie Lian teach him a few important signs, for the times he’d visit the basement with his entire face occluded. But it did not come to him easily, so he began ordering Xie Lian to exclusively use his voice. And when he apparently didn’t pronounce a word correctly… 

Xie Lian flinches at the contact. Despite his close proximity, he still avoids the man’s eyes. “Thank you.” 

The man lets go. “There. Was that so hard? Why don’t you have some now?” 

He wants to, but not with the man watching. Partnering that with the horrible toothache he has on two separate molars, his appetite is all but gone. 

He shakes his head. “No thank you.”

The man runs his hand along the candy pile, unimpressed. “Why not?”

“B-bec—” Xie Lian’s throat is grabbed. The man squeezes hard, lifting him off the floor. All he can do is grab hold of his captor’s hand, trying to pry himself free. 

“Stay still !” The man is screaming. But Xie Lian still has to try – he can’t breathe . He doesn’t want to cry, but tears stream down his cheeks anyway. I hate you I hate you I hate you I–

“Three years and you won’t look me in the eye. Three years and I still have to remind you to follow the fucking rules. To be appreciative – ‘cause for three years, I’ve kept you alive! But you seem like you actually want to die! Do you want me to kill you?! Do you?!”

He should be fearful. Pleading. Begging. But all Xie Lian can feel is pure rage. “Y-es!” He chokes out. The man drops him. He hits the floor hard and the world is spinning, but he keeps going anyway. “Just fucking do it! Stop wasting your time!”

He’s expecting a kick to the stomach. To be choked again. An object thrown at him. But that’s expecting too much. The man, his terrible, terrible captor, puts Xie Lian into a sitting position and says, “I never will because you are never, ever leaving,” before pulling him into a kiss.

If you won’t , Xie Lian thinks as he stares at the little window, then I guess I have to find my way out. 

Chapter Text

After

February 14th, 1990

There isn’t a moment’s peace once he arrives at the hospital. They prick his arm three times to try and get an IV in, draw blood, and send him in for various scans. There are detectives in his room waiting for him as soon as the scan is finished. They apologize for the inconvenience, but emphasize the urgency of the situation. They need him to answer some questions. 

He asks them to write them down. 

Their first: Please confirm your name and date of birth. 

Then: Were you kidnapped or did you leave willingly? 

Do you know the person responsible? 

How long were you with this person?

Where were you kept at? Do you know the address? 

What was the extent of that person's abuse, if any?

His head is already spinning and that’s only half the questions in their list. Xie Lian fills out as many as he can, but still finds himself leaving things out. What's important right now is that he's out. The likelihood of them finding this man off description alone is slim, and if he's got any wits about him, he's long gone. Still, surely there's property records that would indicate the name of the owner...

-I WAS KIDNAPPED I DID NOT KNOW HIM
I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG HE HAD ME IN HIS BASEMENT OR WHAT HIS ADDRESS IS. THE LAST TIME I WENT OUTSIDE WAS 1986. 1986!!! 

I really don’t want to answer any more questions without an interpreter. I’m very dizzy. 

“We’ll try to find one when we can.” One of the detectives says. “One more question for now. Can you handle that?” 

Reluctantly, he nods. 

Can you tell us anything about the house you escaped from?

He swallows the bile in his throat. He remembers the vibrations of that man’s footsteps above his head while he hid under the porch, much earlier this morning. The hurried steps in and out of the house, like he was clearing it out. Then, he watched him slowly drive down the road, likely still looking for him. 

It looked really run down. It had a deck out front with chipped red paint. Everything was overgrown. He owns a white van. 

The detectives share a knowing glance, something like guilt quickly flashing over one of their faces. What, had someone reported suspicious activity in the past? He knows a twenty-something disappearing isn't at the top of their list, but seriously? He wants to ask about it, but two of them step out into the hallway without another word. The person that remains doesn’t seem to know what to say or do. Xie Lian writes him a message. Can you help me contact my parents? They live in Fremont. 

“Ah." He removes his hat, puts it back on. "Well, uh...I’ll certainly do what I can,” He offers a weak smile. “Is there anyone else you’d like to call, besides your parents?” 

Of course there is. He’s thought about Hua Cheng almost constantly since getting abducted. But who knows if he even lives in the same place anymore? Or if he cares at all? They left things so badly the night Xie Lian went missing. What if he’s moved on? Dating someone else? Or even… 

Who’s to say that man didn’t kill him? Since he stalked him so intensely back then, surely he knew all about Hua Cheng's patterns, too...

He supposes it doesn’t matter. He didn’t escape just to keep avoiding everything he left behind. 

He nods. I don’t know if he’s still at this address or if there’s a regular landline. I only ever called him through TTY. His name is Hua Cheng. 

“I’ll see what I can do.” The detective offers a weak smile. “Welcome back, by the way. Get some rest. We’ll be back in later.”

Then, finally, Xie Lian is alone. 

He gazes around the plain white room. It’s brighter here, at least. 

He combs through his hair with trembling fingers; it’s so much longer than it was the last time he saw Hua Cheng, reaching far past his shoulders, despite cutting it all off two years ago. He hasn’t seen his reflection yet, but surely he looks quite harrowing. Maybe it’s a good thing no one’s here for him yet, at least not until he can get cleaned up. 

Before

October 31st, 1986

“I kind of feel bad for these goldfish, you know? They’re going to have lousy lives regardless of if they’re won or not.” Shi Qingxuan, in full Bride of Frankenstein - including a very tall wig - get-up and practically unrecognizable, pets one of the bowls filled with bright orange goldfish. The carnival is about to begin. Xie Lian sits on one of the stools, gazing out at the empty place. Hua Cheng says he bought tickets for them. He was apparently quite shocked upon learning Xie Lian had never been on any carnival rides and sought to change that. 

“Hey.” Shi Qingxuan stands in front of him, offering him a magnetic drawing board. “This way, we can talk quickly when needed!”

He smiles and draws a big smiley face. Thanks . 

“No problem! This should be fun! You know what’s even more fun?” They quickly scribble on the board. Look at that cute guy working the booth across from us! 

The man in question is an aloof, gloomy looking individual running a watergun booth. 

Xie Lian tilts his head. Who’s that ?

I don’t know but I’m in L-O-V-E!!! 

Typical Qingxuan , he thinks. 

The carnival comes alive within the next few minutes, so Shi Qingxuan has to come back to earth, being the main face of this booth and all. Xie Lian is in charge of cleanup and collecting the goldfish and other prizes to give away. Though he keeps busy, his eyes wander everywhere. Most of the carnival goers are in costume, and there are plenty dressed as clowns, which makes him feel equally uneasy. Though, he’s dressed quite ridiculously himself – a total Dracula, complete with a very dramatic, flowy dress shirt and floor length cape and fangs– so maybe he won’t be recognized? 

This is proven true. Very few people look his way, as Shi Qingxuan charms people left and right, all while occasionally glancing at the beautiful man across the way whenever they get a chance. If this keeps up, he’s going to force Shi Qingxuan to just go over there and talk to him. 

Still, Xie Lian can’t deny that even he is searching the crowd for someone and checking his watch every few minutes. His shift ends at 8:00, and Hua Cheng promised to be here no later than 7:45. Yet the minutes just drag on and on… 

He surveys the nearby rides. Since he’s never been on one, he has no idea where to start. He doesn’t want anything that would make him sick. And the ferris wheel looks like it would be a very romantic setting, if he wasn’t dressed like fucking Dracula… 

Maybe the funhouse would be a good start? Or the bumper cars… 

Shi Qingxuan sways from side to side, singing whatever the DJ is blasting from the stage. Sometimes, Xie Lian catches the vibrations. He picks up the board. What song is playing ? 

Shi Qingxuan smiles at him and quickly writes, It’s called How Will I Know! I love Whitney Houston<3

I can tell . 

Shi Qingxuan playfully nudges him. They’re going to play the new Bon Jovi single tonight, which I’m most excited about, so prepare yourself!   They go to help the next group of people in line before Xie Lian can reply. 

.

Midway into their shift, Feng Xin and Mu Qing come strolling by, arms loaded with tickets and carnival treats.Xie Lian spits out his fangs and stuffs them into his pocket before Feng Xin offers a wave. “Got this for you two for all your hard work. Mu Qing’s idea, but he won’t admit it.” He sets a fry basket on the counter. “These, are good .” He makes the sign for ‘good’. 

“You didn’t have to,” Xie Lian mouths, but Mu Qing just rolls his eyes. 

“We’ve already had two each, so you’re saving us from heart attacks. Enjoy. Also, how do we play?” 

Xie Lian eats a few fries while watching the two of them fail miserably at ring toss. He wonders if he or Shi Qingxuan would even be very good at it – it seems mostly rigged to get people to spend more tickets. He’s always wanted a pet, so if he did happen to win, he’d give one or two of these little guys the best life possible. Then again, he can’t carry around a plastic fish bag the whole evening. They probably wouldn’t enjoy any of the rides. 

Their next notable visitor is Professor Jun – dressed down in what appears to be a rendition of Romeo?-- as he walks with another man Xie Lian’s never seen before. 

“Ah! I didn’t expect to see you here,” He leans an elbow on the counter. “How’s it going? Giving out lots of prizes?” 

Shi Qingxuan’s back is facing Xie Lian, so he can’t tell if they answer. He doesn’t want to speak anyway, so all he can offer is a nod. 

“What are you dressed as?” Professor Jun asks him. “Dracula?” 

He shrugs. Apparently so . 

He says something else, but Xie Lian can’t catch it. He doesn’t want to pay attention to him right now anyway, he’s more focused on keeping an eye on the time and deciding which rides to go on later. Time cannot go any slower. 

.

Late into his shift, his spirits lift significantly as someone in a humorous pirate get-up (save for a hat) strides towards their booth. Sure, it’s a bit silly, but Hua Cheng looks good in anything, even an eye patch!

“Yay, you’re here!” Shi Qingxuan exclaims. “We’ve given away like half the fish! Do you want to win one? I’d hate for even a single one to be left tonight.”

“I can try,” Hua Cheng replies, though his eyes (well, the one uncovered) are on Xie Lian. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Xie Lian is beaming. “I look stupid, right?”

“No, you look adorable. Better than me, but I'm glad I left the parrot at home." He leans on the counter. "So, how much longer is your shift?” 

“Twenty minutes.” Even though it's past sunset and chilly, Xie Lian suddenly feels quite warm in his costume and wishes he'd forgone it tonight. Or maybe if he'd chosen -

“You can go now if you want!” Shi Qingxuan nudges Xie Lian towards the exit. “I’ve got this! Plus, the next group of volunteers will be around soon. Go, have fun!”

“Thanks,” Hua Cheng says. Then, he grabs Xie Lian’s hand and pulls him out of the booth. “Where do you want to start?”

He points to the booth across from them, run by the guy Shi Qingxuan has been staring at all evening. I’ve got to see this guy up close and figure out whether he’s noticed… 

They sit side by side and ready the waterguns. Xie Lian studies the attendant. He is good looking, but seems incredibly bored. There’s no way he’s paid any attention to Shi Qingxuan’s flirting, but he must have noticed it by now. 

“Hey.” The attendant stands in front of him, crouching down a little. “Is that your friend over there?” 

He nods. Can we start already? 

The man scoffs. “They good? Why do they keep blinking at me so much? All damn night…”

Hua Cheng laughs and says something Xie Lian can’t quite catch. Then, he turns back to Xie Lian. “I told him it’s OK to admit he’s been looking too.”

“You know him?”

“He’s my mom’s neighbor.” 

“Really?” Huh, small world. Maybe I can convince San Lang to be a wingman, to help Qingxuan out… 

The game commences, and Xie Lian hits the target way more than Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng insists this is because he is wearing an eyepatch. (In reality, it’s because he kept looking at Xie Lian)

After that, Xie Lian grabs Hua Cheng’s arm and tells him he ought to pick their next activity. 

Hua Cheng surveys the carnival before quickly deciding on one. “How about bumper cars?” 

“Try not to give me a neck injury...” 

They wait in line for almost ten minutes for their turn. Since Xie Lian is wearing a cape, and he and Hua Cheng are standing so close together, they can hold hands undetected. He’s not sure anyone would care, but since they’re not official, or publicly out, he likes being able to keep their relationship - regardless of its official label-  private while still being able to share affection. 

He should be grateful to reach the front of the line, but he’s actually a bit disappointed that they have to let go of each other. 

Since he’s never been in a bumper car, he spends the first half of the round driving in circles around the track, narrowly avoiding most of the collisions. But try as he may to avoid them, Hua Cheng eventually t-bones him, offering a peace sign before zooming off. 

Oh, it’s on… 

Hua Cheng is none-the-wiser when Xie Lian rear-ends him, again and again, until Hua Cheng laughs and turns the car sideways. “Who taught you to drive?” 

He beams and starts to sign his response when WHAM! he’s crashed into from the side, hard enough, he suspects, to knock over the car. For most of the round, everyone around them would mostly hit people they knew; their friends or significant others, with the occasional bump into a stranger. 

So, to say the least, this feels intentional. 

He quickly looks in the direction of the perpetrator and is staring at a clown’s face, which just about sends him out of his skin. It… it has to be a coincidence, right? Plenty of people are dressing like clowns these days. Besides, this isn’t the same clown mask that was at his door…

But when the clown signs “What’s wrong?” Xie Lian doesn’t think it’s much of a coincidence at all. 

But before he can react, there’s a blur of red in front of him. As soon as Xie Lian was hit by the stranger, Hua Cheng had stopped and stood in his car. And when the stranger signed, he leapt from it and stalked across the track. In a flash, he’s got the stranger’s collar in his fist and is giving him a few choice words. The stranger raises his hands as if to surrender. 

Then, the attendant asks them to get off.

When Xie Lian asks what the stranger had said, he tells him, “Allegedly, it was an accident. I don’t buy it. What's up with all these creeps recently, huh?"

Xie Lian wishes he knew. He grabs Hua Cheng's hand again and tells him to forget about it.

.

Close to 9:00, it’s a lot colder and Xie Lian is honestly feeling a bit tired. They’ve shot targets, won prizes, whirled around on roller coasters, and enjoyed funnel cake on a bench while watching the DJ. 

All that’s left is the funhouse and the ferris wheel. The funhouse is still packed, and the ferris wheel is relatively empty. “I’m scared of heights,” Xie Lian admits. 

“It’s OK. I’ll hold your hand.” 

It’s a perfect incentive to face his fear. 

Hua Cheng removes his eyepatch when they sit on the next open seat, which is already rocking back and forth. Xie Lian clutches Hua Cheng tightly. “I don’t like this.”

“I promise not to rock it,” Hua Cheng pats his leg. “You got this. Don’t worry.”

Once they’re up in the air, they have a much better view of the college. To avoid his nausea, he holds Hua Cheng a little tighter and asks, “Did you ever want to go to college?” 

Hua Cheng stares at the back of the science building. He smiles sadly. “Sure, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I never learned well in a hearing classroom. I dropped out in 9th grade. I was held back twice.” He'd hesitated in his signs at first, as if ashamed. Xie Lian's forgotten all about the heights.

“You didn’t go to a school for the deaf?” 

“No. My dad didn’t want me to, since I could hear partially. He didn’t want me treated differently.”

Now that's a familiar story, Xie Lian thinks. Thankfully, his parents had finally relented. He wonders how long he would've lasted in school if they hadn't. Still, though he doesn't know much about Hua Cheng's family, he recalls that Hua Cheng's mother knew sign and didn't seem like the type who would keep her son from something he needed. So, he has to ask, “What about your mom?”

“At that time, she lived in LA with my grandmother. She didn’t know.”

“Oh…”

“They divorced when I was seven. Her and I weren’t close until my father died. He kept me from her.”

He gets a little queasy on the way down from the top of the ferris wheel, but he keeps his gaze on Hua Cheng. “I understand what you mean, about being treated differently. That was my mother’s concern too. She didn’t understand that throwing me into a hearing classroom wasn’t helping me to fit in, it just made everything worse. I was so lost. And of course, bullied relentlessly. I thought I was stupid. I couldn’t understand math or science at all, not the way they taught it. I think what my mom didn’t realize was that, treating me exactly like everyone else, the hearing people, was the worst thing she could do, besides treating me like I couldn’t do anything at all. That’s the other side of it. Since high school, my parents have thought I’m so incapable. There’s really no middle ground. I either have to do everything like them, or I can’t do anything at all.” 

“I know what you mean.” Though he's smiling faintly, there's a true sadness in Hua Cheng's eyes. Their shoulders are touching now and they sit even closer than before.

“That’s why I had to go to college on my own," Xie Lian continues, "But even still, I have to admit it’s hard to keep up sometimes. To ask for accommodations is even harder.”

“You know…” Hua Cheng leans back, “I read that there’s a university in D.C… Gallaudet is the name. It's a deaf school. Everything is taught in ASL.”

“Really? That would be incredible. Can you imagine? Everyone understanding you and having courses taught at a college level… what a dream.” No notetakers and squinting at your professor's lips for endless class periods? Not being stared at when your professor calls on you, forgetting you don't speak? It would be like high school again, but he could pursue any type of program he wanted, not being limited to standard curriculum.

“That’s where I would go, if I could." Hua Cheng tells him.

“Let’s make a bucket list. We’ll go together one day. I’ll teach, and you can be a student again.”

Hua Cheng smiles at him. “OK.”

Xie Lian smiles back. 

“There is another thing on my bucket list.”

“What is it?”

The ferris wheel has paused with them at the top. Xie Lian flinches. “Oh, god.”

“Hey,” sometimes, Hua Cheng signs ‘brother’, (gege, he says), to address him. Today, he spells out Xie Lian’s name. “Don’t look down, don’t look up, just look at me, OK?”

“OK.”

Hua Cheng brushes his cheek. “This is the other thing.”

And then he kisses him and Xie Lian feels like a spark travels through his body. It’s new, but something he’s wanted for so long that all he can do is chase after his lips again. When they pull apart, Xie Lian can’t help but laugh. “We look ridiculous in these costumes.”

Hua Cheng's cheeks have actually gone a little pink. “Yes, we do. But I don’t care.”

“Neither do I.”

They kiss again, a bit longer. He can’t believe he had to wait twenty-four years to experience a moment like this, but now he’ll never be without it again. The softness of Hua Cheng’s lips and the way he feels when Hua Cheng kisses him is his new obsession. When the ferris wheel starts to move, Xie Lian is already calculating the next spot they can sneak off to. The funhouse? Behind a foodtruck? Back at home…?

Their hands are intertwined all the way back down, and the bored attendant lets them keep going around. “Hey, San Lang…”

“What?”

“I really like you.” Wait, why did I just -- "I mean... what are you doing later? I don't want this night to end just yet."

Hua Cheng pats his leg again, grinning as he replies, "I really like you too, so don't worry about telling me that. I plan on watching scary movies until I fall asleep. You want to join? You’ve never been to my house before.”

A tempting offer, but unlike Xie Lian, Hua Cheng does not live alone. “Will anyone else be home?”

“Nope. Just us.”

Something between excitement and anxiety bubbles in his stomach. “OK. I’ll come over. Can we swing by my place? I’ve got to change out of this first.”

.

When they finally climb off the ferris wheel, the world feels a little different. He feels a lot different, like he was one person when he climbed off and someone completely new now. And there’s no doubt about it, now. He’s not falling for Hua Cheng, he’s completely, irrevocably in love with him. And he can’t bear being apart from him now. He holds his arm as they walk through the carnival towards the parking lot, stopping when he sees how short the line is for the funhouse. “Wait. Can we try that before we leave?”

It’s not because he wants to be scared or particularly enjoys funhouses. Instead, it’s because it’s a dark, quiet place where they can be alone for a few extra moments. By the time they enter the funhouse, no one else is there. 

It’s relatively small, but there are plenty of corners to hide in. Behind some of the many mirrors, for instance. It’s as good a spot as any to gently push Hua Cheng against to receive his third kiss. The neon lights around them make him look even more impossibly beautiful. He wants to wrap his arms around him, but a moment later, Hua Cheng is gone. He’d slipped behind another mirror – as if playing a game of chase, which is just... “San Lang, you’re not fair!” He nearly crashes into a mirror in front of him, and it’s then he spies Hua Cheng attempting to sneak up on him from behind. He whirls around and beams. “Nice try!” 

Hua Cheng wraps his arms around Xie Lian’s waist, pulling him into a tight hug. Xie Lian looks up and they happen to lock eyes – he quickly looks away, cheeks going red, before daring to meet eyes again. The neon lights of this mirror maze almost match exactly how he feels inside, because yeah, there’s no doubt about it, he’s so in love. 

Xie Lian is about to tell Hua Cheng something when he notices movement in the mirror behind him. He caught just the briefest glimpse – a flash of the red of someone’s shirt. The stark white of their mask. He clutches Hua Cheng’s shoulder. 

“What’s wrong?” 

It was probably nothing and he doesn’t want to ruin the moment. Still, that all-too familiar feeling of unease is threatening to take over. “Let’s keep going,” He decides instead. 

“OK,” Hua Cheng seems a bit suspicious, but he puts an arm around him and keeps walking anyway. 

Xie Lian spares one last glance at the mirror room. 

There’s no one there. 

.

Xie Lian gets his fourth kiss after climbing into Hua Cheng’s beautiful Firebird. This one has a different type of sensation attached to it – something like hunger burns in him, which is honestly a bit startling at first. But then, he’s craving more. 

His fifth kiss is in the hallway outside of his apartment, and his sixth comes shortly after shutting the door. Then, they finally pull apart, with Xie Lian promising to be back in two minutes. He takes off his earrings in the hallway and leaves them in a dish by the bathroom sink. Hua Cheng lingers there, studying them. When Xie Lian exits his bedroom, dressed in a comfy blue t-shirt and joggers, Hua Cheng tells them his earrings are pretty. They walk to the door together. 

“They were my grandmother’s. My mom thinks I should give them to my future wife.” He rolls his eyes. “She’ll be very disappointed.”

“Maybe. Or you can keep wearing them, because they look better on you.”

His sixth kiss is on the stairwell to the parking garage – brief, but he couldn’t help himself. Hua Cheng says he tastes sweet. 

.

Hua Cheng shares a house with his brother, who also has a hearing impairment but refuses a hearing aid, insisting he hears fine on his own. Hua Cheng suspects that it’s instead because of the price of hearing aids, and his brother knew that Hua Cheng needed it more growing up than he did. He works long hours as a trucker and is barely home. The house might be messy or tidy or quaint, but Xie Lian doesn’t really care. All he can think about is Hua Cheng’s lips against his, which they have been from the moment he sat on the sofa. He does notice the faint smell of smoke in the air. When they break apart for a moment, he asks if Hua Cheng smokes. 

“Socially,” He replies. “But my brother can’t seem to stop, day or night. He’ll burn the house down.”

Xie Lian winces. “My grandma was like that. She died of lung cancer.”

“A perfect reason for me to permanently quit.” 

Poltergeist is on – they’d made plans to watch this ages ago, but he’s hardly opened his eyes to see what’s going on. They can watch this again some other time. Hua Cheng’s hands are soft, and for a while they stay in safe places: his arms, his neck, his shoulders. But this can only last so long, and without a word between them, things start to intensify. Hua Cheng’s hands start to wander lower, at first only on clothed skin. But then, his hand slips under Xie Lian’s shirt, running across his lower back – 

“Ah–” Their lips separate and Xie Lian’s face burns. 

Hua Cheng looks a little guilty. “Sorry. Is that not OK?”

“No, no! It’s fine, it’s just… new.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry. You can continue.” 

Hua Cheng leans in again. “Fine by me.” 

And even though each touch leaves him burning, Xie Lian tries to keep his reactions to a minimum as Hua Cheng’s hands continue to roam his skin. Xie Lian, in turn, builds up the courage to touch Hua Cheng’s chest. He’s muscular, but not incredibly so. He’d gathered almost as much from the last time Hua Cheng slept over, but it feels a bit different now. Before, things felt so innocent. Even though every accidental touch was cherished in secret (and with a little guilt), now, Xie Lian can revel in it. 

Xie Lian doesn’t believe himself to be a good kisser, but Hua Cheng certainly makes him feel good. Maybe he’s experienced, but he doesn’t want to think about that. It’s more enjoyable to think about how good this feels, and how much better he’ll get at it in time, especially with Hua Cheng to practice with whenever he wants. 

But as it turns out, it’s all too much once Hua Cheng starts touching his thigh… because now there are two things drawing his attention away from this moment. One, the embarrassing strain in his pants that needs to calm the hell down before things get too intense. 

Two, the sliding glass door that faces the street in this living room. Through the blinds, he can see people walking by, some still in costume. Every time he glances that way, he expects someone will be standing there, like the one in the mirror maze, on the bumper cars, the one at his door, the one behind Hua Cheng’s car… 

How fair is it that during the best time of his life so far, something like this has to happen? What did he do to deserve this? Who would want to do this to him? 

The sensations – dangerously good and dangerously bad, are too much for him to handle. He pushes Hua Cheng back and asks where the bathroom is. 

The next thing he knows, he’s in the small bathroom, his back to the door. His life is so polarized right now – an overwhelming clusterfuck of emotions. Like it wouldn’t be a bad thing to just disappear just long enough to get himself under control again. 

He runs the sink water and takes a few deep breaths. Well, one situation is under control. It’s not the first time he’s been aroused, anyway, but he’s not in the right mindset to acknowledge it to Hua Cheng. And maybe he’s a little afraid of what that might entail… 

But that’s a thought for another time. He’s here at Hua Cheng’s house, damn it, and they’ve had such a good evening together. He’s safe – well, mostly – and everything is fine. 

Everything is fine. 

.

No, really, everything is more than fine. It’s way past midnight and he’s just climbed into Hua Cheng’s bed (!!!) to retire for the night after asking if they could sleep in here instead of on the couch. The windows were really bothering him, and now that they’re in the bedroom, he feels infinitely better. 

But while Hua Cheng is turned away searching for his pajama pants, Xie Lian presses the fluffy red comforter to his nose and inhales. It smells faintly of him, a trace of musk, but there’s also a stronger floral scent. A man who washes his linens? He’s an instant keeper. 

When Hua Cheng turns around, Xie Lian has to pretend he’s just burrowed under the blanket. “Sorry, I’m really tired.”

“You’re fine, you’re fine. Do you sleep with any lights on?” Hua Cheng stands by the bedside lamp. 

“Not usually.” He yawns. “Thanks for letting me stay over. And for everything tonight. It’s been wonderful.” And Hua Cheng is still looking at him, so he continues, biting his lip, “About earlier… I’m really enjoying everything we do together. It felt… it felt really good. But…”

Hua Cheng stands in front of him, placing a hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong.”

“No, you didn’t! It’s just, back there I wasn’t ready to take things further. And we’ve never shared a bed like this, so I was worried…”

“Hey. We don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for. No pressure here.”

Xie Lian ducks his head. What an awkward conversation! “I want to, San Lang. But I think I need to prepare myself a bit ahead of time. I’ll admit I’m really inexperienced.”

“Same here, so don’t worry. Seriously, I’m just glad you’re here.”

"Me too." There’s no place I’d rather be, San Lang. 

Hua Cheng turns out the light and climbs into bed. The one downside of signing to speak with each other is that it can’t really be done in the dark. But their arms still convey what signs cannot by wrapping around each other. Xie Lian thinks about how lucky he is. He wishes life could be like this all the time. 

He lies there in Hua Cheng’s arms planning their entire future together, as silly as it may seem. What kind of house they’ll buy, their honeymoon, how many kids they’ll have and what cars they’ll drive, the whole game of MASH. 

The hand against Hua Cheng’s chest almost forms the sign for ‘I love you’, but he lets it lie flat and falls asleep. 

In less than two weeks, he would be long gone and nothing would ever be the same, but for that one moment, everything was absolutely perfect.

During

November 16th, 1986

“Hello?” 

“ Yes , is this Sunset Detailing ?”

“Yes it is, what can I do for you?”

“ Ha… I’ve got a really messy van. ”

“How… messy are we talking about?”

“My dog ate a whole ton of leftover Halloween candy. I was rushing her to the vet but she got sick everywhere in the back of the van. Even bleeding some–”

“Is your dog OK?”

“Oh, she’s fine, thankfully. Huge vet bill though. Anyway, it’s really embarrassing, but I just need a thorough detailing, no questions asked. I’d rather not have word getting around of how lousy a pet parent I am, you know? Name your price. Can you come out today?”

“Sorry, I don’t think I can get out there until tomorrow evening, I’m kind of in the middle of a serious situation–”

“How about for an extra $50?” 

There’s a long pause. “Tomorrow morning is the absolute earliest.”

“That works. Can you work from the Sunoco Gas station off route 5? I work nearby.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Is 7AM alright?”

“I’ll be there.”

“Perfect, goodbye–”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name–”

Click. 

Mu Qing hangs up the phone and stares at it for a while. He knows he needs the money, but it’s been two days since Xie Lian was reported missing, and four days since anyone had seen him, and it’s all he can think about. 

Someone has to think about it, anyway. The cops aren’t going to do shit. Xie Lian , he thinks, you’d better be taking the most impromptu fucking vacation right now, having the time of your life… 

.

He’s not sure exactly how many days have gone by since he was locked in the back of this van. His ankle is starting to numb – if he moves an inch, the unbearable throbbing will start again. No daylight manages to seep into the van – it’s covered with something – but when he opens the door, when the light of day seeps in, he can see how infected the gashes on his ankle are becoming. 

For the first two days or so, his mind constantly raced. He hyperventilated, desperately clawed at the door, kicked every window until his legs went numb, even punched the glass. Nothing. He thought of how worried everyone back home must be – how surely they’d find him soon. And if they didn’t, he’d surely find some way to escape. Maybe the man would forget to lock a door. Maybe he could take him by surprise, something.

But after who knows how long without food or water, his body went weak and he grew tired of trying to fight. If he wanted to get out of here, he knew he had to conserve his strength. 

Unfortunately, the best way to do that right now was to put his mind somewhere else. Detaching from reality. He’s no one. Xie Lian isn’t here. This isn’t happening to him. Xie Lian is asleep in bed back in his apartment, safe and sound. 

The van door slides open, bringing in the light of early morning. The man, his captor, wears a ski mask and offers him a wave. He did not come empty-handed. He has a small bag with him and if Xie Lian could throw up, he would. 

“Time to move,” His lips read. “I’ve got to get back to work eventually, you see. And you’ve fucked up the back of my van. Since you’ve been so mellow since yesterday, we’ll see how you do in the house.”

Xie Lian catches about a third of his words. The man tilts his head. “You really can’t hear anything, can you?” His lips spread into a grin. 

Xie Lian turns his head away from him, but the man turns his head right back. “Do you know how many people have walked by? Maybe if you knew that, you’d have tried harder to escape. Or maybe not. Maybe you’ll actually come to appreciate this arrangement.”

He wants to spit, but he doesn’t move. He pictures himself as a possum. I wish I could convincingly play dead. Though it probably won’t be much longer anyway… 

The man’s hands are on him. He wants to fight him, but all he can do is flinch and stiffen. “We’re going inside and I’m going to carry you there,” The man explains. “It’s time to welcome you to your new home.” Then, he slips something over his head, and the world goes dark again.

This isn’t happening , he tells himself. It’s happening to someone else. Just play dead. Possum. It’ll be over soon.

Chapter Text

After

February 14th, 1990

She’s willing to risk a speeding ticket on a day like this. Of course her son didn’t pick up the phone, didn’t turn on the TV, that’s just like him on a day like this. He hates Valentine’s Day, after all. These past three years, Valentine's Day has been spent curled up at home with the curtains drawn and very loud, very sad music blaring on his radio. Then, he'll emerge on the 15th like it never happened. She never asked about it. People have their own ways of grieving.

Her car screeches to a halt in front of his house and she doesn’t worry about locking the door, racing up to the garage. The son in question is currently under a car – a neighbor’s most likely, as she doesn’t recognize it. 

“A-Cheng, why aren’t you answering your phone?” She demands, giving his foot a gentle kick. 

“Didn’t hear it,” He responds in a low voice. “What’s up?” 

“Oh, for god’s sake.” She grabs hold of his leg and yanks him out from under the car. She rehearsed how she would tell him all the way here, but now all of her words melt away, the same as they do every time she sees him now. This situation changed him in all the worst ways. Maybe, finally, she’ll get her son back, and he can get his life back. “A-Cheng, I was down at the hospital visiting a friend and overheard…”

“What is it?” 

“Xie Lian’s alive. They found him in some residential neighborhood this morning—” 

Before she can finish her sentence, he’s sprung up and bolted down to her car. She can't help but smile, excitement brimming within her. Finally, finally, things are going to be OK again.

.

There’s some sort of press conference going on when they arrive at the hospital, but Hua Cheng tunes it out. He’d like to get the story from Xie Lian. For years, everyone said he was dead. That was what his parents believed; what else were they supposed to think, with the evidence found? 

Hua Cheng never accepted it. Never stopped looking. And he knew exactly who took him. He could just never prove it. 

How many times had he driven by that run down house with the red deck and white van in the driveway before he finally took matters into his own hands? 

Nobody believed him initially. It didn’t matter how desperately he pleaded with the useless police about it. And when he ripped that disgusting son of a bitch from the van when he came by for a replacement tire and beat him to a pulp, well… that put a nail in the coffin. He attacked an innocent man, they said. Never mind that the man disappeared completely after the incident, refusing to give his name or a statement, causing the charges to drop. 

But he didn’t let it drop. 

Apparently, neither did that man. 

Hua Cheng touches his eye patch. This is going to startle Xie Lian, he knows. Startles him too sometimes, even three months out. Would he believe that it happened in the same house where he was kept for all this time? 

The hospital has pitifully poor security, so it doesn’t take long to find out where Xie Lian is staying. There’s a group of detectives standing outside the door, confirming his location. When they see him approaching, they’re naturally cautious. “Excuse me, this area is secured.”

“He’ll see me,” Hua Cheng insists, giving his name. “How long has he been here? Is he alright? He was in that house, wasn’t he?” 

Their guilty faces say it all. He scoffs, but his eye fills with tears. “Tell him I’m here, please. He needs to have someone he knows with him.”

“If we let you in, you’ll have to do us a favor,” The lead detective says. “We need you to interpret for us. To tell him about his parents. You’re right, it should be done by someone he knows.”

Hua Cheng nods. “I will. Just let me in.”

The door is pushed open slowly. Hua Cheng doesn’t think it’s fair to just pop in without warning, so he lingers by the door and flickers the lights twice. That way, at least Xie Lian will know someone’s coming in. 

…

He’s sat at the window. 

Xie Lian, after all this time, is just ten feet away. 

Xie Lian, with nearly translucently pale skin, dark rings around his eyes, and thick scars at his wrists and ankles, is alive.

His hospital gown is pulled down over the knees against his chest, and he watches the busy street below. He did not notice the lights, not at first. But eventually, he tears his eyes away from the window. He jolts at the sight of Hua Cheng, slowly rising to his feet. His body seems so brittle, so… fragile, after so much time locked away. Yet there’s still that unwavering strength in his eyes behind the fear – Xie Lian is the strongest person Hua Cheng has ever known. Anyone weaker would not be standing here. 

“San Lang,” His lips form his name. 

Hua Cheng takes a few steps forward, but his vision blurs, his heart stuttering. He’s not dreaming. This is real. And it’s all his fault. Why didn’t he search harder? Oh, why did… why did he leave him that night? He can’t breathe. He sinks to his knees just short of the bed, stifling a sob. Xie Lian meets him halfway, sinking into his lap and hugging him with such ferocity that Hua Cheng’s heart breaks all over again. “Oh god,” He hugs his neck, burying his face in Xie Lian’s hair. He doesn’t smell like him. He’s different. But he’s here, that's all that matters. He can go on hating himself later. 

And then Xie Lian places a fist to Hua Cheng’s chest, moving it in a circle. Sorry , he’s saying, over and over again. Hua Cheng catches his hand. Xie Lian looks up at him, his eyes floodgates. 

“No, no, I’m the one who’s sorry,” Hua Cheng tells him, “I should’ve tried harder to find you. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get to you, I’m so fucking –”

“San Lang.” Xie Lian touches his cheek. “It’s thanks to you that I got out. And it’s my fault that I was taken. Everything that happened that night was my fault.”

“Don’t say that,” Hua Cheng pulls him close again. “Never say that.”

Xie Lian just hugs Hua Cheng tight. “San Lang, San Lang…”

“I’m here.”

“Please don’t let me go.”

“I won’t.” 

As Xie Lian buries his face in Hua Cheng’s shoulder, he mentally adds, And I never will again. 

And when, just moments later, he falls slack in Hua Cheng’s arms, he makes a vow to not rest until the man who did this is put in the ground. 

The doctors say he’s just sleeping, and it’s okay to let him go, to leave him on the bed. Who knows how long it’s been since he’s been able to do that. 

But Hua Cheng made a promise and he does not budge. 

Before

November 1st, 1986

Thump thump thump – 

Something smacks the other side of the wall, just above Xie Lian’s head. It’s morning – he hasn’t slept that hard in ages – and Hua Cheng is still beside him. Though they’d drifted apart in the night, they are still lying quite close together. Should anyone come in, it’ll be obvious that they are sleeping far too close to just be friends. 

So, Xie Lian turns over and gently shakes Hua Cheng awake, worried that someone here is quickly about to discover a thing or two. Hua Cheng opens an eye, his face hardly visible from beneath his burrow of blankets. The thumping continues. “Shit, wait here,” He rolls out of bed and grabs his pants from the floor. 

Oh god , Xie Lian wants to hide under the bed. What if someone sees him lying here in his ugly briefs like this? 

By the time Hua Cheng opens the door again, Xie Lian has created a perfect cover story – he’s made a bed on the floor, has fully dressed, and lies there pretending to read a book. He slept over in a totally nonchalant way and is just a lover of Stephen King novels, actually. Nothing suspicious going on here! 

Hua Cheng looks at him on the floor and tilts his head. “Did you fall?” 

“No…”

“My mom is here. I forgot we had plans for the day.”

“I can leave! I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s fine, she knows you’re here. Now she wants to know if you want to come with us.”

“Ah..” 

.

This is how he finds himself sitting in a little diner in the middle of nowhere later that morning, ears permanently blushed. Hua Cheng has another race this afternoon. His mother promises to keep Xie Lian company. 

But oh god , she knew he slept over. She knows they’re dating. And she seems so happy about it, which is great, but so awkward! He wants to melt into the booth. Live permanently among the gum under the table. Anything.

He should be grateful, though. He and Hua Cheng will never get to do things like this with his own parents. After their inevitable simultaneous strokes when they find out he’s gay, they’ll probably never speak to him again. 

Then there’s Hua Cheng’s mom, who says she’s so excited her son found someone – he’s always been such a loner, she says. She wants to know all about him, how they met, how long they’ve known each other, what Xie Lian is studying at school, where he grew up, what he thought of Hua Cheng’s ‘total pigsty’ of a house… 

And while these conversations are endearing, he’s naturally shy, especially with topics like these, and is glad Hua Cheng gets to do the talking through interpreting. 

She tells him a bit about herself too, about Hua Cheng’s early years. Hua Cheng is reluctant to sign these things, but does so anyway. She tells him her first two sons were back to back, barely a year between them when she was right out of high school, and Hua Cheng was the ‘surprise’ that came five years after that, just when both of her older boys had just started school. 

“But he was an easy baby. Mischievous as a toddler, but very sweet. Of course, by then we knew fairly early on that he inherited the hearing impairment. That’s when I started learning sign. I was horrible at it at first, and my former husband thought it was pointless, but I knew how important it was. And now, after meeting you, I’m even more glad I did. Imagine if A-Cheng didn’t know sign?”

Xie Lian looks at him. “If he didn’t, we probably never would’ve met.”

After breakfast, Xie Lian and Hua Cheng happen to have a rare moment alone while Hua Cheng’s mother talks to the woman at the front counter. They sit in the truck, side by side. 

“Your mom is very sweet,” Xie Lian eventually says. 

“She really likes you. She says we’re a good match.”

“I think so too…” And oh , Xie Lian wants to kiss him so badly, but he has no idea how to go about doing that so casually. Can he just kiss him whenever he wants? 

“What’s on your mind?” Hua Cheng asks. 

Oh, fuck it. Xie Lian kisses him in response and then quickly turns and looks out the window. Kill me now . 

But Hua Cheng won’t let him hide away. He takes his hand, gently stroking it. “That’s my good luck for the race today. I sure could use extra good luck, though.”

This kiss is a little deeper, and maybe Xie Lian has totally lost it, because he stops caring whether someone sees them. His hand is on the back of Hua Cheng’s neck, pulling him closer. It’s like they never stopped last night, that increasing passion is alive and well and he never wants to be apart from him again. 

Imagine if this was his daily life? Living with Hua Cheng, spending the weekends with him and his family like this… 

With Hua Cheng, the world feels light and welcoming. It feels like a place he wants to venture even further into. 

Hua Cheng had kept watch during their kiss, so he pulls back as soon as his mother exits the diner. “I think I’ll win for sure now.” 

“I know you will.” Keeping an eye on the window, Xie Lian offers him one more peck on the lips before scooting over in his seat. 

.

It’s a lot more crowded at this racetrack today, just by the bay. Xie Lian looks at the crowd, scanning every face, but Hua Cheng turns his attention away by showing him the schedule of events for the day. “Don’t be nervous,” He says. “Mom will be with you the whole time. Nothing to fear.”

“That’s right!” Hua Cheng’s mother affirms. “We’re going to have fun.”

Xie Lian sits fairly far from most of the crowd, atop a very tall set of bleachers. Hua Cheng’s mom has an armful of treats and passes him a very tall soda cup. “Don’t feel pressured to finish all this, I got a discount.” She sets a bag of popcorn in between her legs. “It’s so weird… watching all this from up here.”

“How long have you raced?” He mouths, adding a few signs in hopes it’d aid her understanding. 

“Oh, as long as I can remember. I took a few years off when my older boys were little, and I even raced while pregnant with A-Cheng. I think that’s why he has such a passion. He’s only been racing for a few years, irregularly. But he’s really quite good.”

“He is. I think he’ll have a long career ahead of him.” 

“I think so too, and it’s mostly thanks to you.” 

His cheeks darken. “What do you mean?”

“There’s been a real, good change in him ever since he met you. He’s more motivated, kinder to others, and just… much happier. He had a rough youth, you see, and I never wanted that to define him. Thanks to you, it won’t.”

“I don’t think I’ve done anything. But I’m happy to help, anyway.”

“You certainly have.” She smiles brightly. “Say, I know you’re a few years older than A-Cheng. You have to be close to graduating at this point, right?” 

“I have another two semesters after this one. I’ve done a lot of part time semesters— for some reason, no one thought I could take a full load.”

“What do you plan on doing after graduating?”

It’s a question he always hated, because the truth is, he rarely thought that far ahead. When he was a kid, he wanted to be a superhero. As he grew up, he knew he wanted to help people in some way. For a time, he thought about going to some impoverished part of the world and just living amongst the people, doing what he could to improve their lives bit by bit. His teachers told him to aim for something more feasible. His parents shared that sentiment, saying it was far too dangerous. 

“There aren’t many jobs that will hire deaf people,” He tells her. “Right now, I’m studying to become a teacher. A sensible thing. I know a few schools I could work at who have already expressed interest. But if money wasn’t an issue, I think I’d just… travel for a long time. Worry about the rest later.” God, I sound like a hippie. She probably thinks I’m too old to be talking like this. 

To his surprise, she doesn’t seem to think that way at all, judging by her enthusiasm. “Ah, that would be nice. Have you thought about saving up for something like that?”

“Hard to do on a part time salary,” he replies. “But sure, maybe after graduating.” 

“A-Cheng wants to travel too. He’s got this crazy idea — well, I think it’s crazy, as his mother— to take his bike across the country. Thousands of miles there and thousands of miles back, stopping at all the national parks and some major cities like Vegas and Chicago and Washington. And if he wins today, that money should be enough for at least half that trip. I wonder if his bike is big enough for two…”

Secretly, Xie Lian knows that it is. But he has to pretend to ponder it. 

“If it does, you two should go together. Take the summer after graduation and just go! Before you get saddled with a career you don’t want. Plenty of people are stuck in that cycle. But who’s to say Northern California is all there is, right? You should explore as much as you can before making any big decisions.” 

He wants to tell her about Gallaudet, about he and Hua Cheng’s bucket list. But try as he may, he just can’t picture the future right now. Some people would call that living for the moment. For him, it’s more than that. He loves Hua Cheng and wants to spend his whole life with him, but he can’t even imagine being with him on New Years, or graduation day, or even next week. And he can’t shake the feeling that this is some sort of premonition. That he really won’t make it to see those things. 

“Hey.” She gently taps his arm. “You okay? You look a little upset.”

He blinks a few times, but he can’t stop the tears from welling up in his eyes, or even force a smile. “Have you ever felt like… you were being watched? Or even followed?” 

“As a young woman, yes. Is this…” Her face turns grim. “Is this something that’s happening to you?” 

He bursts into tears and can’t even bother caring. “I don’t know, I just…” In a flurry, he tells her about the frequent clown appearances, the one at his door being the worst, and the feeling he just can’t shake. “I just don’t know what they want with me. Whoever this person is – what have I done to anybody?”

She gives him a little hug from the side. “Some people out there are just sick. There’s no rhyme or reason on who they choose to torment or why. All we can hope is that they let up.”

“I don’t know what to do,” He whispers. “I live alone. I hardly talk to anyone. I feel like I’m waiting for my own demise.”

“No, you’re not. That’s not going to happen.” There’s a firmness in her gaze. “How would you like to stay with us for a while? I mean my house, but I’m sure A-Cheng would stay too. I have a home office, so I’m always around – you wouldn’t have to worry about being alone. And A-Cheng could give you a ride to work or school whenever you need. Even if it doesn’t change anything, it might help to have a change of scenery for a little while.” 

“I wouldn’t want to impose on you like that.” Besides, in less than two weeks, his parents are coming to town, and he’s not sure there’s room in the Hua family home for two additional guests. 

“I don’t see it that way. It’s been so long since I’ve had a guest, with my boys grown up and moved out. You could help me with some desk work if you need to keep busy, or walk my dogs for me.”

Xie Lian wipes his eyes. “You have dogs?” 

“Two spoiled brats.” She chuckles, shaking her head, “They’re little lovebugs, though. I’m sure they’d appreciate the extra attention.”

“I’ll consider it, but thank you, really.”

“Will you come for dinner at least?”

“Well…”

***

The two spoiled brats are named Ruby and Jade. They are very small and very fluffy – one is mostly white brown spots on her paws, and the other is mostly brown with white spots. Xie Lian kneels down to let them get their sniffs in, but Hua Cheng gently shoos them away with his foot. “Give him some space.”

“It’s fine!” He gives them as many pats as he can. “They’re so cute. I always wished I had a dog. My mom said the barking would be annoying. I disagreed, obviously.” 

Hua Cheng ruffles his hair and steps into the front room. “Let me give you a tour of the place.”

Xie Lian gives the dogs one final pet before standing up. “OK, lead the way.”

He’s shown the kitchen, a simple room with red cabinets and white tiled floor, the sun room, which might as well be a jungle with the amount of plants, the den, with a dark brown corduroy sofa and big boxy TV with walls lined with trophies and medals and plaques and framed newspaper articles, and of course a big fluffy dogbed for the fluffballs that have followed them into each room. 

Then, Hua Cheng leads him upstairs. There’s only two doors – one being to a bathroom with a bright skylight a pink carpeted floor, the other, Hua Cheng announces, is the guestroom. The sole window is high above the ground and small, making it unlikely anyone could climb up. “It’s nice,” Xie Lian tells him. And the bed with dark green, leafy linens big, big enough for two, really. He pushes that thought away.

Hua Cheng leans against the closet door. “My mom worked so hard to get this place, once she knew what was going on at my dad’s… one day I want to pay her back for everything she’s done. I feel so indebted.”

Xie Lian somehow falls harder for him and praises, “You’re a good son.”

“I try to be now, but I wasn’t always.” He admits. “But that’s a conversation for another time. Will you stay the night? I can take you home in the morning. Mom really wants a guest.”

This is the third time he’s been asked, and it’s getting harder to say no. Still, he doesn’t want to inflict this type of burden on such nice people. “San Lang, I appreciate her hospitality. And both of your kindness, but I can’t… I can’t stay here. I don’t want to involve you both in my mess. Whoever’s after me shouldn’t even know about you or your mom.”

“Stay late, then. Please. We can stay up and watch movies or talk about the universe or even just go to your place. But I’ll sleep better knowing you’re safe. And I really don’t want to be away from you just yet - it’s been such a good day.” Hua Cheng looks like a sulking child as he makes his proposition, which makes Xie Lian smile.

“Fine, as long as I don’t stay over. Really, San Lang, I spoil you too much.”

Hua Cheng laughs and wraps his arms around him. He pecks his cheek. “Then let me spoil you for a change.”

“I’m not used to attention like this…”

“You’ll learn.”

The linens are as soft as they look. Xie Lian lies back in the middle of the bed, his eyes sliding shut as Hua Cheng’s lips make contact with his neck. Yeah, there’s no way he could stay over, with the way things are heating up between them. He’s not doing anything scandalous in his boyfriend’s mother ’s house. But if this sensation keeps feeling so good, well… he’ll indulge his San Lang a bit longer. 

With his eyes shut, he primarily relies on his sense of touch, and every inch of skin touched by his boyfriend feels aflame. How do people just… do this so casually and then walk away as though nothing happened? How do people love another person and function like humans? He’s not sure he ever will. 

He pulls Hua Cheng away from his neck and brings their lips together a few more times before getting his attention, “You were great today, San Lang. I knew you’d win.” 

“So did I,” Hua Cheng kisses him again, but Xie Lian continues, “I like watching you do things you’re passionate about. You have a heart of gold.”

Hua Cheng stares down at him. There’s something unreadable in his gaze. “Gege, I–”

The bedroom door opens and the two quickly separate just as Hua Cheng’s mom walks in. “Hey, dinner’s almost ready!” She’s looking down at a letter, but there’s no way she didn’t see something. Still, Xie Lian looks down at his hands, pretending he’s just been nonchalantly sitting on the bed. One of the dogs jumps up and rests on his lap. 

“Cool,” Hua Cheng fixes his shirt collar. “Who’s that from?” He nods at the letter.

She folds it up again. “Your brother has a furlough. He’s flying into Sacramento on Tuesday for a week.”

“Good for him.”

She straightens the curtains by the window, then says, “I thought it would be nice if you drove down Friday so we could all spend the weekend together.”

“Or he could drive down here—“

“His wife’s been waiting six months to see him, I don’t think that’s fair. And besides, it’s not that long a trip.”

Hua Cheng looks at Xie Lian, then the floor, then sighs. “Fine. You get me Friday night to Sunday afternoon.”

“Perfect. Now comes the hard part of convincing my second son to attend. He's even harder to reach than the one currently overseas."

Hua Cheng quickly fills Xie Lian in on the situation while his mother scolds the dog for climbing up onto the bed. 

Ah, San Lang will be away for several days…

“Hey. I’ll call you every night, every morning too,” Hua Cheng promises. “I wouldn’t mind cutting the visit short, even…”

“No, it’s fine! If things get bad, which they won’t, I’ll have Qingxuan or Feng Xin stay over. Don’t worry so much, San Lang.”

Hua Cheng’s mother isn’t exactly sure what they’re talking about, but she does notice Xie Lian’s apprehension, even if he’s trying his best to hide it. “Would you mind house sitting for me until A-Cheng gets back? Or maybe Jade and Ruby could stay at your apartment, if that’s allowed. No pressure of course!”

“I don’t mind them staying at my place that weekend.”

“Really? Perfect! I’ll write everything down, but they’re pretty easy to take care of.”

After dinner, she watches a recording of her favorite daytime TV program and Hua Cheng offers to go on a walk with him and the dogs around the neighborhood. Xie Lian ends up with both leashes, as neither dog wants to cooperate if Hua Cheng is holding onto them. 

Together, they step outside. It’s dark out, but not too cold yet. Still, Xie Lian scans the street for anything out of place – nothing. He’s just paranoid and he knows he looks ridiculous. He tries to make conversation instead. “Your brother will be happy to see your car in such good shape.”

“Yeah. I hate sharing it, though.”

The house is on a quiet street, so it’s rare a car passes by on their walk around the block. He also finds that they do limited talking, too. “San Lang,” Xie Lian pauses. “We’re dating now.” 

“I know,” He pauses too. 

“All this time, you’ve just been San Lang to me. Someone I never knew if I could have. And now I can, and you’re perfect, and I’m very happy to be with you, even with all this going on.” 

“I know. I’m happy too.” Hua Cheng seems a bit apprehensive, as if he's waiting for the "but" that will take all of this from him.

“You’re a good person, and a good boyfriend too,” Xie Lian continues, “And because you’re such a good boyfriend, will you drive me home after our walk and not worry so much about me?”

Hua Cheng sighs. There it is. “Because I’m a good boyfriend, I’ll drive you home. But I won’t stop worrying about you until this craziness stops for good. And maybe a bit longer, but that’s my job.”

Xie Lian knows Hua Cheng has every right to feel that way, but… honestly, he wishes he wouldn’t. He wishes Hua Cheng had nothing to worry about, because he’s happiest when he can pretend everything’s fine. “This is not how it’s supposed to be.”

“What do you mean?” 

He laughs, bitterness in his gaze. "We're supposed to be dating. It's supposed to be fun. Not you worrying about me every time I'm out of your sight. It's supposed to be like it was in the beginning, and now it's not. And I hate that."

"Gege, it's not your fault."

"I must've done something to deserve this, San Lang. I just can't figure out what. But sooner or later--"

"Hey." Hua Cheng is standing right in front of them. He's even taken the dog leashes so there's nothing left to distract Xie Lian. "This is not your fault," he emphasizes. "And I will not let anything bad happen to you. I refuse it. I'm going to make sure you stay safe, no matter what I have to do."

"You can't be by my side constantly," Xie Lian reminds him. "You have to work. So do I."

"I don't care. I'm not losing you."

The streetlight above them flickers. Xie Lian realizes how cold it's gotten.

"I don't think that's something you can decide."

During

November 14th, 1986

“Ah, I wish he’d chosen a better apartment,” Mrs. Xie pushes the button for the elevator. “We had better colleges near home, too.”

Mr. Xie sighs, stuffing his hands into his pockets, patting his rental car keys. “It’s close to the college, at least. How many semesters does he have left?”

“Three, I believe.” 

“Could’ve finished at home.” 

"I tried telling him that. You try changing his mind when he's so determined."

They arrive at the 2nd floor and head straight for apartment 204. On the way, Mr. Xie says, “I tried calling last night, but he didn’t answer. I hope he didn’t forget we were coming today.” 

“He has been acting a bit strangely…” She rings the bell. “Is that just normal for his age? Maybe he’s gotten a girlfriend…”

“Seems a bit ambitious, my dear.”

He doesn’t answer the door, so she rings the bell again. “Aren’t those lights supposed to alert him that the bell is ringing?”

“Maybe he’s asleep.”

“Maybe.” She twists the knob. Surprisingly, it opens. Could he have forgotten to lock the door last night?

The TV and all the lights are on. Both of their hearts are in their throats, thinking the worst. Is he unconscious or even dead somewhere? Did someone break in? 

They check his bedroom to find the bed completely unmade, looking rather tousled. Perhaps he was late for something and left in a hurry? 

His mother stoops down, picking up a long sleeved shirt that had been tossed to the middle of the floor. Xie Lian was quite neat, and not another item was out of place. Even his closet door was shut. Would he really leave without a shirt? 

His father enters the room. “He’s not here.”

“Perhaps we should try the school. Something doesn’t—”

And then she sees it:

His bookbag, sat neatly against his desk.

Now she feels ready to pass out. “What about work? Maybe he forgot to tell us–”

“The schedule’s here,” His father stands at the desk. “He worked yesterday but is off today.”

“Oh god, something’s not right. What do we do?”

“Wait a while, just for now. Maybe he’s gone out shopping. If he doesn’t show by noon, we can call whoever’s in his address book. Maybe they know something.”

And so they wait twenty painful minutes, pacing back and forth, until Mrs. Xie spies Xie Lian’s keys wedged in the couch cushions. His wallet is under the coffee table, sitting alongside a variety of 1000 piece puzzles.

That’s when they start calling people, but no one seems to have heard from him since November 12th, two whole days ago… Their panic is blinding, but they don't give up their effort.

“Have you tried talking to Hua Cheng?” Shi Qingxuan, their fourth call, suggests. “They’re uh… really close friends. And I do remember him telling me they planned to hang out that night.”

“Where does he work? I’ll find him myself.” 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know exactly where he works. It’s a mechanic shop specializing in restoration, I think? And it’s within walking distance of our school . Good luck!”

She hangs up the phone with trembling fingers. “If this man isn’t there… what do we do next?”

“Let’s hope he knows something. That this is a big misunderstanding…”

They arrive at the mechanic shop shortly after twelve. The music is extremely loud, and the men working here don’t exactly seem like model members of society. They’re dirty, they’re smoking, and their music is profane. The car they are working on though, that’s gorgeous. It looks like it’s from the late 40s and has been painted a soft baby blue. 

“Excuse me,” Mr. Xie shouts over the noise. 

“We’ll be with you in a minute,” one of the men shouts back, lifting the hood with one hand, puffing a cigarette with the other. Is it really safe to be smoking while working on a vehicle…? He doesn’t want to ask. 

“We don’t have time to wait. Please, it’s very important.”

Reluctantly, another man turns down the radio. “What is it? Flat tire? Oil change? I recommend the the Pep Boys down the road—”

“We’re looking for someone called Hua Cheng. It’s very important that we speak to him.”

The men exchange looks. The one by the radio speaks up eventually, “Sorry, he’s not here today. Called in sick, second day in a row.”

“Is that right?” Mrs. Xie pulls a notepad from her jacket pocket. “Do you have a phone number or address for him?” 

“I can’t just give that kind of information out. Sorry.” 

“Please,” She says softly, “our son is missing, and he was the last person known to have seen him.”

He offers to get the owner and let him make the decision. 

The owner introduces himself a few minutes later. He seems to already be in a bad mood, having to get off an important call. “What is it you want with my employee? He owe you money or something?” 

“Contact information,” Mr. Xie repeats for perhaps the third time. “He’s the last person who saw our son, who we can’t seem to get in touch with. It’s very important, we’re very worried.” 

The man narrows his eyes. “Tell you what. I’ll give him a call, see if he’s well enough to come down. Give me a minute.” 

He returns in five and says that Hua Cheng didn’t answer, which isn’t a surprise since he’s sick. “And I believe him, too. He hasn’t missed a day of work in the three years he’s worked for me.”

“Look, this is really urgent.” Mr. Xie says sternly. “Just tell us where he lives and we’ll talk to him ourselves.”

“If I gave out my employee’s contact information to everyone who asked, then I’d–”

“This is about our son’s livelihood! Do you think we’d want to be in a place like this if it wasn’t absolutely necessary?! Please, just tell us where Hua Cheng is!"

“What’s going on?” A woman’s voice comes from behind them. “And what is it you want with my son?” Her voice is a bit stiff, to be expected of a mother concerned for her son. 

Mrs. Xie sighs in relief. “We just need to ask him if he’s seen our son. Please, please help us.” The tears in her eyes are particularly effective. 

“You… must be A-Lian’s mother. The resemblance is striking.” Her hostile manner has completely dropped. “He told me you were visiting – are you saying he’s not at home?”

“No one’s seen him in two days. Please…”

She agrees to take them to her son's house, with the stipulation that they don't plan on accusing him of anything. Of course they tell her no, but in truth, it’s exactly what they’re thinking. After all, if he’s the last person to have seen him and hasn’t gone to work in the two days since, so surely he knows something?

They pull up to a duplex in a neighborhood full of tiny, run-down houses. The driveway is empty, but there is a garage, saving a glimmer of hope in their hearts. This man will know where Xie Lian is - maybe he's even here right now. He'll get a bit of a scolding, but mostly they'll just be relieved that nothing's wrong.

Hua Cheng's mother walks up to the garage door and peers inside. "I'm sorry, he's not here."

"What do you mean he's not here?!" Mr. Xie snaps. "The man - the owner of the shop said he called out sick. How could he not be here?!"

She puts a hand on her hip. "How should I know? My son's a grown man. I haven't spoken to him since he left Sacramento on Monday; I've only just gotten back myself."

"Oh god..." Mrs. Xie clutches her chest. "Something's wrong. Something happened to him, I know it. What do we do?"

"You can wait here for my son to get back," Hua Cheng's mother tells them. "We'll ask him what he knows, and then you'll go to the police if he hasn't heard from him. Let's not assume the worst just yet."

"How can I not assume the worst?! A-Lian would never do something like this-"

A car slowly comes to a stop just behind them. To one person, it's a relief. To the others, they are filled with dread because he is alone. Hua Cheng gets out of his car. His nose and cheeks are red and his eyes are a little puffy. He holds a tiny paper pharmacy bag. "What's going on, Mom?" He asks cautiously.

"A-Cheng," she begins carefully, "when was the last time you saw A-Lian?"

'Wednesday', his lips read, but his face has gone incredibly pale as he looks at the ground, eyes widening. They all come to the same conclusion at once, and no one can breathe. It's unmistakable.

Xie Lian is officially missing.

Chapter Text

After

February 14th, 1990

“None of this makes the least bit of sense,” The lead detective declares late that evening, just before the end of visiting hours. Hua Cheng knows he’ll be asked to leave soon, but he’ll probably have to be escorted out of the building because he refuses to leave willingly. He’s sitting on the bed, crisscrossed in front of Xie Lian, who rarely looks at anyone but him. 

“So let’s go over it one last time. You don’t know who took you, you never saw his face once over a three year, three month period, and you were kept in his basement as a companion during this time doing… house chores and basic desk work? Is that right? There was no violence? Physical or sexual abuse?” 

“You really have to ask him that? Clearly, he doesn’t want to talk about it.” Hua Cheng snaps at him. “Use your damn eyes.”

“I can see the signs of abuse,” The detective replies thinly. “I need him to acknowledge it and tell me exactly what he remembers, how often it happened, and anything that can help us catch the man who did this.”

“You know where he lives. You know what he drives. For now, that should be enough. Give him a day to decompress a bit.” Hua Cheng says. “He needs a day.”

“Sure.” The detective replies. “I’ll give him some time. Why don’t you answer a few questions in the meantime?” 

“I already told you everything I–”

“Remind me of your relationship with him? You’re, what, former roommates? Cousins?” 

“We were…” Agh, he shouldn’t say this. While Xie Lian’s parents had said it was ‘possible’ that their son was gay, Hua Cheng never confirmed it back then. He was afraid the police would treat the situation with even less urgency than they already did. Now is no different. 

But Xie Lian gently taps Hua Cheng’s sleeve to get his attention. “Tell him. It’s okay.”

“We were dating,” Hua Cheng admits. He expects more surprise from the detective, but he must have gathered as much just by watching their interactions. 

“Why didn’t you ever say something before?”

Hua Cheng looks back at Xie Lian. “Because after that night, the last time I saw him, I thought we weren’t anymore.”

***

That night, the alleged house Xie Lian escaped from is once again investigated. The last time they did a brief sweep through, absolutely nothing was out of place. That was, of course, because they did not know the house had a basement. The very small door, less than five feet tall and two feet wide, was hidden behind a bookshelf. 

The house is as abandoned now as it was then. Part of the roof on the upper floor is caving in. The backyard is overgrown with shrubs and dead weeds. And judging by the property records, nobody lives here. It was condemned in the summer of 1986, after the prior owner had died the winter before. Whoever stayed here, their alleged suspect, was squatting. His real residence was someplace else. 

They step down into the dark basement, the smell of mold nearly overtaking them. It looks like the electricity still works. Perhaps their suspect somehow managed to rig the electric to a neighbor’s? 

There’s one singular drawstring light at the center of the cement basement room. It doesn’t illuminate much. The 24” by 6” window at the very top of the wall, touching the ceiling, offers little light either. On the floor by the stairs is a thick brown cord. There is a thin mattress in the corner, and it looks like two people regularly slept there beneath an unzipped sleeping bag. There are no pillows. 

There’s a toilet and sink, and a very small, very old washer with a rack to dry clothes from perched beside it, not that anything could dry down here. 

A large basin, big enough to bathe in, sits sideways against the wall. Beside the bed, a box holds a large pile of newspapers and dull, brandless pens. There’s a small electrical socket with just one plug.

And that’s it. There’s absolutely nothing else down here. If there was, as they suspect there must have been, the man already cleaned it out. 

“If I had to live down here for three years,” one of the detectives says softly, “I couldn’t. I’d kill myself, I really, truly would.”

“Then it took a shit ton of strength to stay alive. Not only that,” Another says, “Being completely deaf – taking the courage to escape, when you don’t know when he could catch you..”

“That’s why this escape seems so unusual. He hasn’t given any detail on it beyond taking an opportunity and going for it, that he knew the code to the door… but what code? There’s no lock here.”

“So it was taken. Plausible deniability – the suspect can argue that Xie Lian made all of it up and was just squatting in this basement. No one knows what he looks like, no one knows what he did. Now he can skip town and we’re all none the wiser.” 

“Do you think he was the only victim? And if so, why him?” 

“I’ve given it some thought. If he is the only victim, it was an obsession, right? But how would they have ever crossed paths? To me, it had to have been someone he knew. Maybe not well, but they’ve met. Nothing else makes sense.”

***

Hua Cheng has permission to stay the night. Tomorrow, staff tells him, they won’t be so accommodating. 

It’s late, and the TV is on but there’s no subtitles, so it just serves as a nightlight. Xie Lian took a quick shower earlier, and as warm as the water was, he can’t seem to stop shivering. Hua Cheng works on very gently combing his hair, which is long enough to touch his shoulder blades. It’s not in terrible shape, but there are plenty of split ends. He wonders if Xie Lian would like a haircut. 

His mom brought a few things in before visiting hours were over – socks, because it’s incredibly cold in here, were the most appreciated. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, Xie Lian chose the ones covered in little red hearts.

When Hua Cheng has finished combing Xie Lian’s hair, he begins gently pulling it into a simple braid. He’s about halfway down when Xie Lian suddenly grabs his hand, squeezing tight. “Let go.” He whispers. 

Hua Cheng does so immediately, then faces him to apologize. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

But Xie Lian’s eyes are filled with bitter, angry tears. Not the kind one would expect from pain. “Don’t do that again. Just-" But before he can finish, he's darted into the bathroom and gets sick there. Hua Cheng feels like absolute shit now for causing this sort of reaction.

“I’m sorry.” He says again, once Xie Lian returns, shakily downing the rest of his water cup at the bedside. It’s all he can say on the subject, really, as he doesn’t know what he did wrong. “I can go, if you want. Give you space–”

“No.” Xie Lian pulls his hair to the front, running his fingers through it until it’s gone straight again. “It’s fine. You didn’t know. I was wrong. You didn’t know.”

All he can do is sit there, unsure of himself. 

Xie Lian glances at the window uneasily, then the door. He’s tired, but he doesn’t seem ready to sleep. 

“What can I do for you?” Hua Cheng asks. 

Xie Lian slips out of bed. He stands by the window for a moment, then walks over to the bathroom door. It looks like he’s checking to see if anyone’s inside. He does the same behind the curtain by the door. He pauses there the longest. “San Lang,” He eventually signs again, “Would you… move your chair and sleep by the door? You can make sure no one comes in that’s not allowed to, since we can’t lock it.”

“OK, I can do that.”

“Thank you.” 

Hua Cheng moves his chair to the door, but Xie Lian still doesn’t lie down. Slowly, he walks over to Hua Cheng. “San Lang?”

“What’s up?”

“Why haven’t my parents come to see me yet? I thought they’d be so worried about me. That they’d come rushing over, but you and your mom were my only visitors. Is something wrong? Are they mad at me?”

“No, they were never mad at you.” 

He was supposed to tell Xie Lian earlier, but how could he? How does one say what needs to be said, when it’s not the news anyone would want to hear? 

Still, he can’t keep him waiting. “Gege, I’m sorry to tell you this right now. Your mother… after you disappeared, after everything that happened, she just couldn’t bear it. She suffered a breakdown, and her family moved her back overseas to take care of her. Your aunt promised to update me, but it’s been years since I’ve heard anything, so I don’t know where she is or if she’ll be able to find out about you.”

Xie Lian blinks at him. He takes a staggered step back.

“I’m sorry. It’s a lot to take in right now…”

“Wait.” Xie Lian sits on the edge of his bed, his brow furrowed. “She’s gone. You said my aunt took her…but where is my father…?”

He can still picture that moment where he got the answer to Xie Lian’s question. It was as cold and dark a day as today. Hua Cheng swallows hard before answering, “He was found dead a month after you disappeared. They said he took his own life.”

What he does not tell Xie Lian is that his mother attempted to follow right after her husband and would have been successful had it not been for Hua Cheng’s intervention. For years now, he’s wondered if that was his choice to make, if he should have just let her die like she wanted. 

Now, looking at Xie Lian’s face – expressionless, save for the tears threatening to spill over – he can only wish he’d gotten there sooner. If he could trade places, he would. He needs them more than him. 

Before 

November 5th, 1986

“Hey stranger!” Shi Qingxuan finds Xie Lian in the lobby of the Humanities building in between classes. He’s sitting at a table, ‘studying’ (though really doodling something on the inner cover of his composition book), and before Shi Qingxuan can even ask, they just know Xie Lian’s weekend went really well – he’s got that dopey grin that only someone in true, disgusting, beautiful love would have. 

“Hey,” Xie Lian offers a wave, quickly skimming to an empty page to scribble down, What’s up?

“Not much! See - I remembered the sign for ‘what’s up’! And ‘remember’, too. I’ve been studying up all weekend. How was your weekend? You and Hua Cheng have fun? I saw you two holding hands after getting off that ferris wheel~”

Xie Lian smiles softly. Oh, it's obvious he's in love. It was fun. I spent the night at his house, and all day Saturday with him, too.

“Oooh~ you spent the night ?” They rub their hands together. “Details, details! Did you…”

Nothing happened, He insists, but his face turns redder by the second. So please don’t tease me.

“I’m not teasing you! I’m actually really happy for you. And you don’t have to tell me anything, but if you need any advice or just want to talk about it, I’m here!” 

He looks down for a long moment, then blows out a breath. OK. I have class soon, but do you want to meet up for lunch? There is something I’d like to ask you about.

“Yeah, sure! Dining hall sound good?” 

.

Shi Qingxuan does not waste time with formalities when the two meet up a few hours later. The moment they plop down in the booth by the corner window of the dining hall, the questions start rolling in. “So, how did it go? I’m sure you were nervous, but I bet he was a great host.”

He was. The good thing about deaf people sleeping over is we don’t have to worry about snoring.

“Haha, I guess not!”

But there was one issue, and it keeps happening. He keeps touching the notepad and then lifting his hand again, hesitant to write it. 

“What’s up?”

Promise you won’t laugh?

“I promise! I’ve seen it all, okay?”

He takes a long time to write, and his face is blood red. For some reason, every time he touches me while we’re kissing I… keep getting hard. And it’s obvious and SO embarrassing! Honestly it makes me want to curl up and die right then and there

And before Shi Qingxuan can respond, Xie Lian is covering his face, head pressed against the table. 

How cute! Shi Qingxuan pats his back. “It’s okay! It happens, especially if you really like the person! Nothing to be ashamed of!”

But what am I supposed to do when he notices? Even… IF I wanted to do something about it, I am painfully inexperienced. I’ve never done anything like this before. And it’s intimidating. 

“If it’s not something you want or are ready for, then don’t worry about it! Hua Cheng doesn’t seem like the type who would force it.”

He’s not. He already told me there’s no pressure, but…

“But?”

When I am ready, how do I… I mean, how do I tell him that?

“Your body will if you’re too shy to say it. And if he isn’t feeling the same way, which I doubt, he’ll tell you that. Just don’t overthink it. It’s a major buzzkill to let your brain do the talking in moments like that!”

That’s all I do. I really like him, honestly - it’s more than that. I’m in love with him and I just want everything to be done right. I don’t want to take things too fast, but not too slow either. Like if he feels the same about me, why do we have to wait? Why can’t we just live happily ever after etc right now instead of whatever this is? 

“That’s overthinking alright. Just go with the flow! When the time is right, you’ll know. Hey, that rhymed! My poetry professor was wrong- I can definitely create good couplets.”

Xie Lian shakes his head. Thanks for letting me vent.

“Anytime! By the way, me and a few friends are going rollerskating on Saturday afternoon. You should totally come with us!”

Is one of these 'friends' the guy you keep talking about? The one from the carnival? ;-)

“How’d you guess?!”

I saw you this morning acting real chummy with him on your way to class…

“Ohh… haha, we’re friends! But I really like him. He’s trying to act nonchalant about it, but I think he likes me too.”

San Lang says he does.

Shi Qingxuan couldn’t look more delighted. “So you’ll come right? Around 4:30-ish?”

I guess so.

“YAY! It’ll be fun!”

Xie Lian is not so sure. He’s been rollerskating before, back in middle and high school, and mostly spent his time hugging the side of the rink or falling on his ass. Thankfully, the rink was never crowded because the school would rent it out for a few hours, but going with Shi Qingxuan on a Saturday afternoon means the place will be packed. He just hopes he doesn’t get toppled over. 

As long as you can get my blades for me and promise not to laugh when I fall…

“I will not laugh!! I suck at it too, so we’ll just help each other!” 

He firmly doubts this – most likely, they’ll both hang out by the snack bar. Still, it’ll be good to get out of the house. It serves as a nice distraction from everything, especially since Hua Cheng will be gone. 

Before Shi Qingxuan leaves, they add, “This will be fun! Ugh, I wish we could call each other sometimes, we don’t talk nearly enough!” and Xie Lian is fairly sure he’s explained the TRS – the relay service, that is – but maybe it slipped their mind? Or maybe it’d be too much trouble… 

***

November 6th, 1986

It’s mid-afternoon the next day and he’s sitting behind Professor Jun’s desk, grading some students’ multi-choice quizzes. Because participation is such a heavy portion of his class, he’s come up with other ways for Xie Lian to make up the points; for instance, two extra writing assignments per month summarizing his thoughts on recent topics, and occasional help outside the classroom. Today, that means grading. He actually doesn’t mind this task; it’s kind of fun. If he’s ever going to become a teacher himself, he’ll have to get used to this sort of thing anyway. 

He’s about halfway through the stack when the professor returns with another stack of papers, having just finished his final lecture of the day. “Glad you’re still here!” He says warmly, smacking the pile down on his desk. “Here’s the senior seminar papers. I only have eight students in this class.” And yet, the pile is several inches thick… 

Xie Lian winces and quickly scribbles down, I don’t envy you :(

He smiles. “It’s fine. It’s what I get paid for. I just have a long, boring night ahead of me.” He plucks the first essay from the pile and sits down on the small sofa across from his desk. Xie Lian returns to his work. It’s a lot easier to be in here alone… not so much when he’s being watched. He’s nearly finished the pile when Professor Jun walks over to grab the next paper. The one he graded has a red ‘72’ on it and plenty of marking up. He pities the student. 

“So what are you doing this evening? Any fun plans?” He’s still standing there, resting his hands against the desk, quite close to Xie Lian’s. 

He can’t exactly tell him he plans to grab carryout for him and his boyfriend and eat dinner on a curb outside a mechanic shop, so he just shakes his head and writes Not much, but I don’t mind it that way. I’m tired. 

“You work far too hard.” He’s looking at him with an unusual fondness. Xie Lian feels his ears start to heat up from the attention. “How old are you again? You seem so young, but you’re way more mature than most of my students.”

Is he… trying to flirt with me? Or am I reading waaay too much into this? He’s not sure. Either way, he needs to hurry up and finish so he can leave. I’m 24. 

“Huh. I never would’ve guessed that. You look very good for your age.” Professor Jun offers a wink before returning to the couch. 

Xie Lian doesn’t want to look up. But if he doesn’t occasionally glance the professor’s way, this uncomfortable feeling will only continue to grow. Is he still looking at me? What does he want? 

Come to think of it, he’s never noticed his professor wearing a wedding ring. There are no photos of family in his office. And he was with a man at the carnival… 

Could he be… 

Time cannot move slower as he grades the final quiz. Maybe he should just take the lower grades from lack of participation moving forward to avoid a potentially awkward situation, and… 

Finally , he’s finished. He grabs his bag and offers a little bow to Professor Jun, who is in fact staring at him, and shuffles towards the door. But when he twists the doorknob, it doesn’t open. He gives it a tug, nothing. Oh no …

Suddenly, Professor Jun’s hand is over his and he jolts back. 

“I’ve got a stopper under the door,” He explains. “I don’t want any unwelcome guests, you see?” 

He forces a tiny smile and steps back so the door can be opened. But for a long moment, his professor just stands there, looking at him with something unfamiliar in his gaze. Xie Lian wants to shrink out of his skin.

"Out of all the students I've had in the past twenty years, none have interested me quite like you have," He says as clearly as he can, as though he wants to ensure that Xie Lian catches every word. "I'm sure you can tell."

He turns back towards the desk to pick up his notepad, but the professor grabs his hand. "There's no need for that. I can understand you."

He's starting to feel nauseous - he's got this intense urge to flee the room however necessary, even if it's jumping from the window. But all he can do is just stand there, staring at his wrist being grabbed by someone who's supposed to just be his teacher. Even if he was willing to speak, what is he supposed to say? Absolutely nothing comes to mind except for how sick he feels, and for little reason. Technically, the professor hasn't done anything wrong... yet.

And then he tips Xie Lian's chin up so he'll look at him. "I'm sure you must be self-conscious about it, but there's no need to be. I'd love to, just once, hear you speak your mind - figure out what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, you know? What can I say, I've studied a lot of heads. And I'm so curious about you. What's your life like outside of school? What do you do for fun? Have you ever thought about your future, what that might look like with a partner, a family, even? Is that something you want?"

Why is this happening to me? Why can't I just give him what he wants, or just fucking summon the strength to push him away? Why am I so weak?

The moment he feels the professor touch his hair - perhaps to tuck it away from his ear, he blurts, "I'm seeing someone!" and feels his cheeks go a dark crimson.

He expects his professor to look delighted. Perhaps pepper him with more invasive questions, most definitely one of them being whether that partner is also deaf, and how that works. But his smile fades instead. Professor Jun crouches down to pull the stopper away. Then, he looks up at Xie Lian. “You seem nervous. Everything OK?” 

He nods quickly. Please let me out ! 

Professor Jun huffs. “I don’t think I’ll ever get another word out of you. What a shame that the one time I do, it's about someone other than yourself."

Xie Lian offers him a few signs to explain, “My hands are my voice.” If his professor says something in response, who knows. He slips out the door and is out of the building a few seconds later. His chest feels tight as he leans against the brick wall, struggling to catch his breath. He feels like something was taken from him.

Sometimes, he wishes he and Hua Cheng were the only people in the world. 

It’s nearly dark by the time he arrives at the mechanic shop with a paper carryout bag. Hua Cheng has just finished replacing a tire. His hands are covered in black and Xie Lian refuses to give him dinner until he washes them. While Hua Cheng reluctantly goes to scrub down, Xie Lian sits on the nearest bench and blows out a breath. Maybe he should call out of work tomorrow and skip school. He doesn’t want to - he can't - be at school. Or be around anyone at all… 

“Alright, my hands are clean. Happy?” Hua Cheng walks over to the bench, planting a kiss on Xie Lian’s forehead before sitting beside him. “What are we eating?” 

“I got soup, I hope that’s OK. I just wanted something warm. I feel so cold.”

“We’ll get out of here soon, and I’ll help warm you up then.” 

“Actually…” Xie Lian passes him his plastic bowl. “I don’t want you to have to leave early. Would it be OK if I hung out here with you for awhile?” 

“You can do both. My shift is over in two hours.”

When he's with Hua Cheng, he can try to forget the outside world. He watches him work until the end of the shift and then tells Hua Cheng he'll see him on Friday.

***

November 7th, 1986

“Alright, you brats,” Hua Cheng lifts the two dogs out of his car and sets them on the ground in the parking lot. “You better be good, or else I’m not coming back for you on Monday and I’ll have gege send you to the pound.”

“What mean things are you saying to these sweet dogs?” Xie Lian enters the parking lot, immediately stooping down to give the dogs pets. 

“Wow, I’ve been replaced.” 

Xie Lian looks up at him. “Be nice.”

He scoffs playfully, folding his arms. Xie Lian stands up and gives him a quick peck on the cheek. “For me, please.”

“Fine, fine. But I won’t miss these two. There’s hair all over my seats now.”

Xie Lian laughs, seemingly pleased with the two little devils. “I’ll vacuum my apartment twice a day. Do you have time to come in?”

“For a few minutes. I have to pick up my brother soon.”

“How is he on car rides?”

“Demands to drive because he knows best, only wants to listen to his awful music, and won’t stop for anything cool on the ride. But it’s fine, it’s just two hours.”

“Good luck, then.”

“I’ll need it.” Hua Cheng has his arms full of supplies for the dogs but refuses any help. The dogs immediately take to sprinting around the apartment, sniffing every square inch of the floor and then rubbing their backs all over it. Hua Cheng sets down the pile by the door. “OK, food, beds, toys, bowls, and all the other crap. Mom wrote down everything but you can just follow your own schedule.”

“No, I’ll do my best to stick to it. I want these two to have fun here! We’re friends now, after all.”

“Huh… fine.”

His boyfriend is positively pathetic. Xie Lian scoops up one of the dogs and kisses the top of her head. He wonders what it is about himself that animals gravitate towards, or what it is about hugging a fluffy dog that makes him feel so much better. “Don’t be jealous, San Lang. I still like you the most.”

“That makes me feel better. Thank you.”

“I’ll miss you, but we’ve been apart longer.” That was, of course, before he noticed he was being followed, back when life felt OK. He stands up and tries his best to offer a smile.

“It was just as painful then as it is now.” Hua Cheng envelopes him in a tight hug. 

It’s just three days. He’ll be back for the dogs early Monday morning. Everything will be fine. 

“Hey.” Hua Cheng pulls back from him. “If there are any problems, call me on the relay service. The number to my brother’s house is here with everything else, and if you need anything I’ll come right back.”

That much is a relief, but it wasn’t really what he was worried about. They’ve talked just about every day since they started going out! “Do I need to have a problem to call you, or can I just call you if I miss you too much?”

This gets a smile out of him. “That too. My sister in law clogs up the phone lines all evening, but after 9:00 should be good, or early in the mornings. Better yet, I can call you.”

“I’ll be around all weekend.”

“Don’t let these two rascals rule you,” He warns. 

“Bye, San Lang.” 

“Fine. Bye.” He dips his head down and catches Xie Lian’s lips with his own. It’s clear he doesn’t want to let go. Xie Lian doesn’t either. 

***

He can’t sleep that night. He’s watched all the primetime shows, like L.A. Law and The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson , and now he’s halfway through Late Night with David Letterman. The dogs are sound asleep in their beds, and Xie Lian should be, too. He’s got a quilt wrapped around his shoulders and his feet propped up on the coffee table, nice and cozy, but his eyes refuse to shut. If Hua Cheng were here with him, he’d already be asleep. 

His eyes are burning from how sleepy he is. Maybe a hot shower would help?

Yeah, that’s what he’ll do. He’ll shower, pick an outfit for rollerblading tomorrow, and then he’ll go to sleep. 

He wishes Hua Cheng was coming with him — 

Agh, he needs to stop being so clingy! It’s just two and a half days! 

Maybe he’ll wear his coral bead earrings tomorrow? Hua Cheng said they were pretty, and for some reason, it makes Xie Lian feel closer to him whenever he wears them. 

He hasn’t worn them in a while; he left them in a bowl in the bathroom last weekend and hasn’t touched them since. Hua Cheng told him how pretty they were that day. What Xie Lian didn’t tell him was how pretty he thought they’d look on Hua Cheng instead. He wonders if Hua Cheng would be interested in sharing them, with each of them wearing one. 

He picks out a sweater and jeans for tomorrow, grabs a towel, and steps into the bathroom. He reaches into the bowl for his earrings, but only finds one of the two. Huh, that’s weird. He looks under the bowl, around the counter, and then in the drawers, peers into the drain, under the bathmat and trashcan – nothing. There’s just one earring. 

Did it fall down the drain and he just didn’t notice? No, that doesn’t seem likely. He couldn’t just flip them out of the bowl without noticing that. 

As he turns on the shower, he tries to remember the last time he noticed both earrings. Surely it was more recently than when he took them off last weekend, right? 

But no, after he put them in that bowl, he never noticed both of them again. He just took them off, put them there, and then went into his room. When he came out, changed out from his costume, Hua Cheng told him how pretty they were, but Xie Lian didn’t look at them again. 

It would be ridiculous to assume someone took one.

…Right?

No one’s broken in. No. That can’t be. He always double-checks that the door is locked, and besides, wouldn’t they want both earrings? They’re worth more as a pair. And if it’s his stalker, wouldn’t they want something even more personal, like his pillow or underwear? 

No one’s broken in. He’s safe. 

Is he? 

He turns off the shower and walks back into the living room, feeling increasingly uneasy. Maybe it’s because he’s deliriously tired, and he’ll find the earring in plain sight tomorrow. Until then, he only sees two other possibilities:

1. His feared stalker broke into the house and stole it.

Or, even worse:

2. Hua Cheng took it.

He stands there in his living room, staring at the blank TV. 

Hua Cheng wouldn’t do that, would he? 

And then he thinks about how Hua Cheng mentioned he wasn’t always a good son, how his mother said he had a rough youth that she didn’t want to define him, that he dropped out in 9th grade.

How well does he really know him? 

He feels guilty for even thinking this. Hua Cheng has been nothing but good to him. At the same time, he’s the only other person who’s confirmed to have been in this apartment. 

He’s also been at his side, comforting him, through all of the mess of the past month, so he really shouldn’t be thinking about him this way. 

But what if? 

His stalker appeared right when he and Hua Cheng started dating. In fact, all the appearances have been in close proximity to Hua Cheng. Some can be chalked off as coincidence, like the clown at the carnival or the man in the costume store. Those were times Hua Cheng was with him. But when he wasn’t there, that’s when things have been more intense. The knocking at the door. The strange note. The figure behind the car at the race… 

It’s not him. It’s not . He’s just tired and losing his mind as a result. The earring will reappear and he’ll feel really stupid about this. 

He walks over to the door and looks at the pile of supplies for the dogs, including the note with instructions and Hua Cheng’s brother’s number in Sacramento. When he picks up the note, another paper falls out. At first look, it appears to be senseless scribbling. Upon further inspection, it’s just Hua Cheng’s admitted horrendous handwriting. 

Xie Lian hurries over to the kitchen and turns on the light above the stove. He squints down at the note – almost two entire pages, front to back, and starts to read. 

This is something I wanted to tell you face to face, but I could never summon up the courage. I guess I was just afraid…? What we have is so good – I didn’t want anything to change. Especially your image of me. But before we can move forward, you deserve to know the truth about me. 

I told you on Halloween that I dropped out of school in 9th grade. That was the truth, but there’s more to it than that. I was held back a year, and by the end of ninth grade they wanted to hold me back again. I loved to read but trying to participate in class or understand what the teacher wanted was hard and humiliating, to put it lightly. I wanted to drop out anyway, but I ended up getting arrested for some petty crimes – vandalism, drugs, basic edgy teenager shit. I got into a lot of fights at school, which racked up some suspensions. I was an angry, violent kid.The final straw was an accusation from another student that I’d stolen his bike – some cheap ass thing from Wal-mart. I denied it, but I fit the bill. Then, someone who lived near the school said she’d seen me looking ‘suspicious’ around the neighborhood, and I had a bike. Partner that with getting busted for vandalism that night, and I had a theft charge. My dad was pissed. He was sick at the time and only had a few months left to live and said he didn’t want to waste them on a disappointment like me, so he left me in juvie. I was there for six months before my mom came back to town and found out what happened to me. When I was released, she said I was coming home with her. I told her to fuck right off, I hated her and she was a pathetic excuse of a mother for leaving me all this time. We had a screaming match every time she told me to eat or shower or come home before dark. I hated it as much as she did, but I couldn’t seem to get myself under control. 

 After that summer, we made a compromise. She’d let me quit school if I did well in the workforce, respected a curfew, and didn’t vandalize anymore. She got me a job at my aunt’s restaurant and started forcing me to help out at her races. When I was sixteen, I started an apprenticeship under a mechanic. That’s how I wound up working where I’m at, so everything turned out the way it should. 

The truth is, I did steal that bike. Not to use, but because a piece of shit like that kid didn’t deserve it. He was a kleptomaniac and had stolen from just about every poor kid on the block. I pushed his precious bike off a steep ridge into a river. 

Maybe he was a kleptomaniac, but I’d become a pretty good liar up to that point. There was bound to be a moment I was caught – no one’s that lucky. And honestly, I’m glad I was caught. That all this was put a stop to. 

So yes, I have a record. Theft, vandalism, drug possession, trespassing. Maybe I’ve punched a few more ugly mugs than I should have. I have done a lot of shit I shouldn’t have, and I still have my slip-ups, more than I have time to tell you about in this letter. The shrink my mom took me to suggested I was acting out due to parental neglect and a lack of identity. Maybe she was right. But I’m not that person anymore. Am I still a bit more angry than most? A tad bit violent to people who piss me off? Maybe. 

But when I’m with you, every last ugly bit of me seems to melt away, and I feel like I’m capable of being someone good. You don’t even have to say anything – there’s just this brightness about you that fills up every ugly part of me, makes it something beautiful and new. Being with you calms me down, and when we’re together, it’s like nothing else matters.

I don’t know if I’ve made it clear enough in the month we’ve been going out, but you make me want to be even better. To strive for things, to reach higher than I thought possible. So thank you for that. I owe you a lot. I think I’ll always owe you a lot. 

We can talk more when I get back. I’m in the mood to do something fun after getting so sappy today. Wanna go bowling? 

Xie Lian sits on the kitchen floor, the letter pressed close to his heart. What was I thinking? I’m so sorry, San Lang—

There’s movement across the living room floor. He stiffens briefly before noticing the fluffy tail of one of the dogs. She probably got up because Xie Lian did. He ought to stop moving around; these pups had a busy day and could use some proper shut-eye. He climbs off the floor and decides to retire to his bedroom to write Hua Cheng a proper response. He’s too tired to think about what that’ll entail, but he has to do it. 

That’s when he notices both dogs standing in front of the front door, tails tucked and ears back. He doesn’t have to be a pet parent to know what that means: they must have heard something outside his door. 

He knows, sooner or later, he is going to be killed – it’s not a matter of if , but when . This can’t go on much longer. Part of him, an impatient, frustrated part, wants to open his door and let whoever is out there in to get it over with sooner. 

But he doesn’t want to traumatize the poor dogs, so he waits for now. He walks into his bedroom, flips on the light and sits at his desk. Once he’s killed, the place will be swept for evidence. His testimony will probably be important. 

So he writes everything down. 

The first time a note was left at his door, and recreation of what it looked like. The incident at the racetrack. The person at the costume shop. The clown at his door, multiple times. And now, despite no evidence, the missing earring. He knows if he were hearing he’d notice a lot more than just these incidents. He’s felt so uneasy over the past month, but could never quite figure out why. Odds are, he’s been followed this whole time. But why ? If he could only know why, he could do something about it. Go to the police. Confront this person. 

Instead, he’s stuck. No one would believe him or care if he said these things are happening. A 24 year old man has an alleged stalker, with no concrete evidence of break-ins, threats, or physical harm? Yeah, that’d go over very well. 

He ends up falling asleep at his desk, his last written words being: San Lang, tear out this page and burn it if you find it first, but… 

I love you. Truly. 

I just never knew how to tell you that.

***

“So what’s up with your friend?” Shi Qingxuan and He Xuan wait in line for overpriced Icees and fries from the roller rink. The music is overwhelmingly loud – that’s one advantage Xie Lian has over them, he feels. He doesn’t have to listen to this Wham! crap. 

“What do you mean?” Shi Qingxuan is readjusting their high ponytail, blinking up at him innocently. Insufferable. Sickening. Adorable. 

“He seems glum. Like a totally different guy than the one I saw at the Halloween carnival.”

“Ah. He’s just sulky because his boyfriend is out of town for the weekend.”

He Xuan isn't so sure. Yes, he got here after Shi Qingxuan and Xie Lian did, and doesn't know him well, but certainly since meeting him today he's seemed very off. “That’s really all?”

“Duh! I’d feel the same way in his shoes, if I had a guy like Hua Cheng…” Shi Qingxuan twirls a strand of hair from their ponytail around their finger, looking off into the distance dramatically.

“Remind me of who’s paying for your food today?” 

“You’re not so bad yourself!" Shi Qingxuan playfully smacks his arm. "But look, this is only our second date, and before that you kept pretending like you were avoiding me, even when you totally followed me–”

“I did not –”

“Yes you did!” Shi Qingxuan’s eyes practically sparkle with delight. “You don’t seem like the type to frequent bars, yet there you were, same time and place—”

“A coincidence.” He Xuan insists. “A friend invited me, so I went.”

“And are you glad you did?” 

“I don’t know, I took home a pretty heavy to-go bag… didn’t know where to put it and now it keeps following me wherever I go–”

“You’re so funny . Ha ha ha.”

“But back to the subject at hand, you should keep an eye on your friend. He doesn’t look okay. Maybe it’s because you’ve let him third wheel all day.”

“It’s not my fault that two people cancelled!” 

“But he’s your friend, right? I doubt he came to hang out with strangers.” He Xuan points out.

This is a valid point, but Shi Qingxuan can't let him win so easily. “Are you trying to get rid of me?” 

He Xuan gently knocks on their head. “Huh. Not sure anything’s in there.”

They both look over at Xie Lian, who, at first glance, actually looks totally fine. But there’s definitely something different about him. He seems very… on edge. Maybe that’s normal for deaf people in a crowded place like this? 

“I had him get his own skates earlier,” Shi Qingxuan admits. “I ran into a friend right when we got here and…”

“Seriously? Why would you–”

“I lost track of time! I hadn’t seen my friend in like five years… anyway, by the time I came in, he already had his skates. I guess they don’t want people loitering or something? I would’ve gotten them for him…”

“Yeah, after he waited seventeen years.” He Xuan sighs. “It’s fine. Just start using your brain.”

“Don’t be so mean. He was acting distant before that happened.” Still, Shi Qingxuan looks nervous. “I should… I should probably go talk to him, right?”

He Xuan just gives them a look. 

Back at the table, Xie Lian is using ice cubes from his own drink to ice his knuckles on his left hand – skinned and already purplish. 

“Oh shit, what happened?” Shi Qingxuan sits in front of him. “Did you fall? I’m surprised I didn’t break my neck out there myself…” Shi Qingxuan had to hug the wall the entire time, with He Xuan mostly laughing at him, but Xie Lian did fine on his own, keeping up with the crowd, so it seems unlikely he fell. Sure, Shi Qingxuan did slip away for like fifteen minutes, but… 

“I was run over.” Xie Lian whispers. Or at least, Shi Qingxuan thinks he does. It’s so loud in here. We get it, they think, sweet dreams are fucking made of this! How many more times are you going to tell us?! Despite the loudness, they try to stay on topic. “Run over? The fuck? By who?” 

“A stampede of teenage boys. It was just an accident and I wasn’t the only victim – but I think I’m the only one who actually got hurt because I couldn’t hear them coming.”

Shi Qingxuan doesn’t exactly know how to respond. Xie Lian doesn’t look like he’s in the mood for comfort, or for them to tell him how fucking rude or stupid teenagers are. He already knows that. 

“Is there anything I can do?” 

“I’m fine.” Even though he says that, he still looks pissed off about something. Maybe it’s Shi Qingxuan’s fault for leaving him for so long? Ah… there was a promise made that day in the dining hall, to stay together while they were here… 

They come up with some sort of remedy. “Do you want to leave? We were thinking about seeing a movie and then this nice, huge bar after– do you drink? It would be fun either way, there’s games and–”

Xie Lian springs up from the table. He’s in just his socks, having taken off his skates at some point during Shi Qingxuan’s ramblings.

“Hey, you okay?”

For the first time in a long while, Xie Lian uses his voice. He’s only heard it briefly on two previous occasions, so it’s still a bit surprising. This, though, is the loudest he’s ever been, as he snaps, “Why would you ask me to go with you?”

“B-Because you’re my friend–”

“No, think. Is that something I would enjoy? Struggling to follow the plot for two hours while everyone else has a grand old time? Or what about promising you’d rent my skates for me and then disappearing right when it’s our turn in line, so I can get stared at by thirty people like some sort of circus attraction? Or leaving me alone in the rink to get run over so you could go fool around? And then what happens at the bar? Will I have to order there too? Sit there alone when you made it seem like we’d spend time together today?”

“I– I just– I didn’t think about–”

“Of course you didn’t. No one ever does.” 

“I care about you.” Shi Qingxuan says firmly. “I just–”

Xie Lian grabs his shoes and slides them on as he continues, “I know. You just don’t understand me and you don’t care to try, same as everyone else.”

“No! It’s just that I see you as no different than anyone else!” 

Xie Lian just shakes his head. “And sometimes that’s the problem. I’m going home. Enjoy your movie.”

It was the last time Shi Qingxuan ever saw him.

They wish it was left differently, looking back. That they’d gone somewhere else together, made things right so Xie Lian could’ve had a better final Saturday. But both were hurt. And in that moment, Shi Qingxuan didn’t know what to say. 

They just knew Xie Lian was right and they had to do better somehow.

During

December, 1986

A little bit of daylight warmed his face and he knew he was no longer in the basement. For the briefest moment, he thought it had all been a terrible nightmare, these past endless, delirious weeks. 

He had gotten sick, not long after arriving. Then feverish. He lost count of the days. Then he slept. 

When he opens his eyes, he doesn’t recognize the room. It’s got old wood paneling and smells faintly of cigarette smoke. Not the recent kind, but the type that lingers in the walls long after the smoker leaves. 

He’s on a bed with wood posts. When he moves his hand ever so slightly, he feels something attached to it. 

So he’s still restrained. 

And still here. 

And so is his captor, reading a book. His back is turned, but he’s not wearing the ski-mask from before. Just a hat. It is rather cold in here. 

Maybe if he summons up the strength, he can kick his captor to the floor, and then —

Then what, realistically? His wrist is bound, so he’d have to be untied before trying anything. But that man doesn’t trust him enough to do that. Then, perhaps he should –

His ankle is gently squeezed and he startles. His captor is looking at him now from behind a surgical mask. His eyes are an unnatural blue. He reaches a hand out and Xie Lian instinctively jerks away, curling in on himself. He touches Xie Lian’s forehead anyway, then walks out of the room. 

He doesn’t feel feverish anymore, but maybe that’s coincidence. As slowly and carefully as he can, he wiggles at the binding on his wrist. It’s tight, but the bedpost is loose. Really loose. He pulls up slightly and feels the bedpost pull up too. He imagines a more experienced kidnapper would check for these things, but there’s a good chance he did all this in a rush and didn’t think to check. 

His captor returns in his white ski mask with a small cup of water and a bottle of pills. From the looks of them, they’re prescription. “Sit up,” he says, and Xie Lian does so, mindful of his bound wrist. He doesn’t want to give his plan away. “Take one of these. You can’t imagine the trouble I went through to get ‘em. Told the doc you were undocumented and couldn’t go to a hospital.”

Someone saw him in this house? This man was willing to risk that? This situation is worse than he thought. 

“In case you’re wondering,” He pats Xie Lian’s head, “this arrangement isn’t supposed to be a bad thing. I’m saving you from a cruel, unforgiving world, and with time, you’ll be rewarded and given a better set-up. But since you’ve caused me such trouble, things are going to be hard for you for a while.” 

Like this isn’t hard? 

“Since I can’t punish or correct you verbally, I have no choice but to be physical. This should be motivation to be on your best behavior.”

He just stares at the man in pure disbelief, wondering how many mental illnesses he has. When is the right time to pull free? Once he does, he’ll have a split second to strike him, and it has to be in the right place… if he suspects anything, it’s over. Still, he can’t stop sweating. 

“We’ll lay some ground rules once you’re settled in downstairs. For now, rest. You had a pretty nasty bacterial infection, after all.”

When his captor turns away, Xie Lian grips onto the bedpost and pulls. This is his one chance. 

“You must be hungry, right? I’ll–”

WHAM! 

If he’d hit this hard playing baseball in middle school, maybe he would’ve had a decent MLB career by now. The post made hard contact with his captor’s jaw and he smacked the ground just as fiercely. Xie Lian did not stop to check whether he was conscious or not. He leapt from the bed and stumbled out into the hallway. Everything was disorienting, but he caught sight of stairs and scurried down them – apparently too fast, for he missed the last two steps and dropped hard onto his knees. 

From there, he sees a foot in the nearest hallway. A stiff foot in penny loafers. 

“No… no…” There’s a stream of blood leading to the front door. He has no choice but to step through it as he grabs the doorknob and frantically tugs —

And then, his arms are around him, seizing him at the midsection. He keeps the door shut with his boot. 

“Let go! Let fucking go!” He’s manically clawing, kicking, anything he can do to free himself, but this man is like a pillar. Further, it seems that his captor cut his nails very short while he was out. 

Grabbing Xie Lian by the hair, he jerks him around, and slams him onto the floor into the pool of blood. He’s inches away from the dead man, face down on the floor. He’s wearing a white lab coat. 

His captor jerks his face to the side to look at him. “He was worried about you. Came back this morning with all sorts of wild accusations. Idiot.”

Xie Lian can’t bear to look at him any longer. He clamps down on his captor’s hand, biting long after he’s drawn blood. A fist makes contact with his jaw, knocking him into the basement door. 

“What a fucking menace…” His captor licks the blood from his hand. “Hey. You need to start listening. Start understanding . Do you see that man? Do you want that to be your father, your poor mother? What about that boyfriend of yours, huh? I can bring him here if you’d like. Let you reunite long enough for you to watch him get torn apart.”

I have to get out. I have to get up and get out. It’s not too late. I can do this. Just get up — 

“Hey!” He grabs his hair again. “Start fucking listening !” 

This is bad. He’s insane. He’s — I have to get out! I have to—

And then he’s falling – tumbling – down a steep, splintered wooden staircase into the darkness of the basement. His shoulder hits the cement floor hard, and then he sees his captor at the top of the stairs, standing in the light. “Cool off,” his lips read, just before the door is slammed shut above him, submerging him in near total darkness. The only light is a very small, very high up window. It's raining.

Chapter Text

After

February 20th, 1990

Naturally, every doctor with a brain had wanted him to stay longer, but Xie Lian insisted upon being released once it was confirmed he suffered from no sort of physical ailments – no infections, no viruses, and a clear CT scan. The scars on his wrists and neck and ankles looked good. He needed a dental appointment to extract his wisdom teeth, but even the dentist had signed off – physically, there was nothing wrong with him. 

Mentally, though, was a different story, and that was where the psychiatrists had made their strongest pushes. They wanted him to get transferred to a different facility – almost like a rehab – to help him smoothly adjust back into society and have time to be closely observed for any concerning behaviors. 

But really, Xie Lian just wanted to go home. Or whatever ‘home’ meant anymore. He wanted people to stop looking at him like such a victim and just let him breathe for a while before continuing their never-ending quest of invasive, terrible questions. 

And so, on February 20th, he is set to be released. The doctors drag out the discharge process, so it isn’t until seven o’clock that evening that he’s finally cleared to leave. He didn’t have anything to wear but what he came here in – his PJs – so Hua Cheng loaned him a shirt and laboriously rolled up his jeans so Xie Lian could fit them properly. 

There’s another reason he wanted to leave so badly: sooner or later, Hua Cheng will have to go back to work. And if Xie Lian went to the other facility, they would be separated again. He can’t be alone right now. 

For shoes, he wears a pair of slides several sizes too big, but it’ll have to do until they can go to the store. Considering absolutely everyone would recognize him right now, he’d rather not. It’s not as though people are swarming to know his story. They’re just curious, and paranoid about a potential killer or kidnapper being on the loose, which there is. Xie Lian can’t really help them there. 

Even though he’s been discharged, his troubles are far from over. Everyone knows he’s not safe. He still has plenty of hyper-specific interviews to give. And to top it all off, he’s got to find a way to somehow come to terms with everything that’s happened over the past three years (and the fact that it’s been three years, and how much he’s missed out on). Yeah. Shouldn’t be hard. 

“Mom’s pulling the car around,” Hua Cheng tells him. He looks tired. Surely he must be, after sleeping on that terrible chair for six whole days. He wonders how the sleeping arrangements will be at the house… ack, he shouldn’t think of that right now. “We didn’t have dinner. Do you want to stop and grab something?” 

He hesitates a moment. “I don’t want to go sit down anywhere.” But he is hungry, which is a feeling he’s all too familiar with these days. For the past few years, his life has been under a strict schedule. Going against it now reminds him of the times he’d be forbidden to eat for days on end… and that doesn’t feel great. 

“We’ll get something quick. Burgers, fries. Then head straight to my mom’s.”

At least she still lives there. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed. 

Hua Cheng’s mom has kept her respectful distance over the past week. She says she doesn’t want to do anything that will make him uncomfortable, but that she’s here for him however he needs. Whether that’s with space between them or right at his side, it doesn’t matter. Even though he’d rather not talk about anything and just pretend that none of the past thirty nine months happened, the emotion in her eyes threatening to spill over does not escape him. He tells her, throat tight, he’s glad to see her again. 

The car ride is quiet. The last time Xie Lian was in a vehicle was the ambulance a week ago, and before that, his captor’s van. Neither time could he see out the window. Though his eyes have gradually adjusted to daylight, he still squints a bit at the bright neon signs they pass on the street. He grips the bottom of the seat the whole ride but reminds himself again that he could get out if he needed to; he is not restrained, and he’s with people he trusts. 1690. 1690. 1690. 

When they get to the fast food place, the drive-thru line is pitifully long, so Hua Cheng tells his mom to park and then gets Xie Lian’s attention. “I want to take you inside to show you something.”

“Do I have to?” There aren’t many people inside, but still. He’s trying so hard to take things one step at a time, and this seems a bit much…

“No, but I think it’s important.”

Reluctantly, he follows Hua Cheng inside. He hates the process of ordering anywhere, trying to scribble it down ahead of time or begging whoever he’s with to do it for him. When it’s their turn, Hua Cheng turns to him. “This time, you can order.”

“What? No, please–” 

Just then, Hua Cheng places a laminated picture menu in his hands. On the cover, it says, ‘for deaf or hard of hearing individuals’. Not only does it have everything on the menu, but there’s condiment options, drink and fry sizes, and a square for yes and no. He’s never seen something like this in his whole life. 

Prices have gone up a bit, he’ll note, but that’s to be expected. 

The craziest part of all this is that he can have a seamless ordering experience without having to speak, and nobody makes a huge deal out of it. One day, he hopes this becomes commonplace!

He doesn’t say anything when Hua Cheng pays, but he’s thinking a lot about his financial situation. Hua Cheng and his family are doing their best to accommodate him, but this can’t last forever. He’ll have to get a job eventually – the thought alone makes him a bit sick – or figure out if his parents had any sort of will in place. If his mother’s still alive, it’s unlikely he’d receive anything. But if she’s not, it’s possible everything went to his aunt and deplorable younger cousin… 

Do they know he’s here? He hasn’t had any visitors (in part due to his own request), and the only ones who have sent cards or flowers were several departments from his university and Shi Qingxuan, who was now living up in Seattle with their partner but promised to visit whenever they could. 

As nice as the cards were, he’s glad no one has come to see him yet. 

Even without saying it, everyone has the same set of questions. They want to know what happened to him. Some people, like Hua Cheng, deserve to know. He’s just not ready to talk about it. Some parts, he’s not sure he ever will. 

1690. 1690. 1690.

They walk out of the restaurant with armfuls of to-go bags and Xie Lian takes a long sip of his soda. It’s been years – but right now it feels like a lifetime. He wasn’t the biggest soda addict prior to everything, but now he fears he might become one. Perhaps for the first time since escaping, he manages to smile – just a little –  again.

“When we get back to the house,” Hua Cheng explains on the ride home, “feel free to sleep wherever you want. Put me wherever. We’ve installed alarms and stronger locks.”

“OK.” He hugs his to-go bag. 

Outside, it’s dark, but he hasn’t seen the night sky or city lights in so long that he can’t be afraid of them now. What he’s afraid of is the locked door he’s leaned up against. He wants it unlocked. He can’t pull the lock up himself – it’s wedged too deeply into the door. He needs it unlocked, or else —

169016901690169016901690–

Suddenly, Hua Cheng is cranking down the window. Cool, night air rushes against his flushed cheeks and he feels like he can breathe a bit again. 

“Look at that–” Hua Cheng points out the open window. “They’ve added a neighborhood pool.”

He didn’t have to roll the window down to show him that, but Xie Lian is thankful he did. His head is a little quieter now. 

The house looks the same as it did back in ‘86. Well, almost the same. The roof looks a little different, but people replace roofs all the time. Hua Cheng’s mom says something, and Hua Cheng interprets. “There was damage from the earthquake last year, but everything’s fine now.”

Ah, right. He was told about that. 

“What about your house, San Lang?”

“Oh, well… I don’t live there anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Couldn’t afford it. My brother got a girlfriend and she moved in.” Hua Cheng looks a little embarrassed. “I’m staying here with my mom for awhile. Right now, to help you out.”

“I’m sorry you have to help me–”

“Believe me, I’m happy to.”

They walk up the front path, but his feet feel heavier by the step, until they’re lead blocks. He stops on the top step, staring into the open doorway. Ruby and Jade, the two adorable dogs, have aged quite a bit in the more than three years since he’s seen them. Both their faces are starting to go gray. And they don’t run up to him. Their tails wag slowly as they wait in the doorway. He doesn’t go to them either, seemingly frozen. 

Hua Cheng turns around. “Need help?”

“No, I just need a minute. You can go ahead.”

Hua Cheng nods, disappearing around the corner. He follows his mother to the kitchen and blows out a breath. “I’m glad to be out of that hospital. I can’t imagine how he feels about it.”

She’s currently looking through the pantry for her long-since abandoned TV tray tables. “It’s definitely overwhelming. I thought we could all hang out on the sofa this evening, let him take the lead. And I took off work for the rest of the week–”

“You didn’t have to do that.” 

“I want to help him settle in. You don’t have to do this alone, A-Cheng.”

He does not respond. 

“Carry these tables into the den, OK? There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.” 

He lifts the three tables. “And what’s that?”

“One of the detectives called me this morning to go over some expectations moving forward,” she begins carefully. “The most important part is that they are not going to let up on the interviews until they’ve got at least somewhat of a profile on this man.”

“I’ve literally seen him–”

“In their eyes, you’ve seen who you suspect is him. Only A-Lian can confirm that.”

“Well, it is him, so I hope they’re at least keeping an eye on him. Wouldn’t be surprised if he disappeared.” He sets up the first table. They got a new sofa after the earthquake. The front room was damaged and since the insurance paid out, she decided to splurge a bit on a nice red leather sofa and a black coffee table. She’s yet to really decorate again, but it’s a start. Hua Cheng thinks of it as a lounge in some sort of biker bar. 

“The point is, they want you to get him to open up to you.” She continues, “And much as they want that, you know not to rush him. But still, if the topic arises, encourage it. We’ve got to make sure this creature is found and punished. And if the law doesn’t do it for us…”

“I fully plan to finish what I started if they don’t do him in.” Hua Cheng says flatly. “And if they don’t find him, I will. But for now, my only concern is helping him. If he wants to talk about it, great. But I’m no shrink, Mom. I have no idea what to say, how to ask… I just want him to know he’s safe with me, but I’m not even sure of that.”

Outside, Xie Lian grips the railing, still unable to take another step. He feels a bit dizzy. He can’t get this series of images out of his head – it rewinds and starts over, again and again. Being dragged into that house, the doctor face down in the hallway, spending years in that basement, the eye….. 

He just needs a minute. 

He can come and go from this house whenever he likes. No one is keeping him here. He chose to be here. There are no padlocks on the doors. 

The combination was 1690. Locked from the inside, but only when his captor was in the basement. Otherwise it was deadbolted. His only chances to escape or to test the combinations were when his captor was present, sometimes when he was bathing, or the time when —

1690.

1690.

1690.

How many hours or even days were accrued going through every possible combination? He got so fast at twisting around the numbers, at doing it while not even looking. He’d probably be good at solving Rubix cubes…

How many times did his captor change it, just to spite him? He never should have figured it out, but one day he did. He can thank Hua Cheng and the San Francisco 49ers for that. He’ll never forget that fucking number. Nearly every moment since escaping, it’s repeated in his head. Every moment of stress, every moment he’s asked a question, it’s there. 1690. 

He and Hua Cheng were sitting in his apartment on that Sunday afternoon in October. Hua Cheng kept trying to explain the difference between a quarterback and cornerback. Xie Lian just gazed at him, positively smitten, not comprehending a word he said. He pointed to the screen and fingerspelled QB and his name, yet judging by the look on his face, he doubted Xie Lian was retaining any of that boring talk…

He sits down on the porch, gazing out at the quiet neighborhood. A nurse helped set up some in-home therapy appointments before he left. They told him it was imperative that he talked to someone about this. 

But he doesn’t plan on going just yet. To do so would require an interpreter, and that’s yet another person he’d have to let into his head, when he’s not even able to let himself in at the moment. He locked himself out the moment he escaped. The passcode is 1690.

Before

November 11th, 1986

When his daily horoscope tells him the 12th will be a life-changing day for him, Xie Lian decides to skip school and spends the day scrubbing his apartment from top to bottom. If he’s killed anytime soon, he wants to task his parents with as little work as possible. He goes through his belongings, coming up with a box of stuff he no longer needs. A bag of clothes to donate, too. Maybe Hua Cheng can take it with him the next time he goes out. 

By dinner time, he’s looking into an empty fridge. He may have cleaned out everything there too, anything that is about to expire or he no longer has the appetite for. He wishes he could order in. 

Instead, he has dry cereal for dinner and watches boring TV until Hua Cheng calls that evening and they write back and forth like everything is fine. Hua Cheng tells him about Sacramento, about his little nieces and nephews. His nieces are twins, five years old and very noisy. He suspects he wouldn’t even need a hearing aid around them. His nephews are three and two. Xie Lian comments that his sister in law must have her hands full. Hua Cheng calls her and his brother alike very stupid, but it was a miracle they didn’t have more kids to deal with. He’d hate to be as young as they are and saddled with so much chaos on a daily basis. Xie Lian insists that it’d probably be fun– he’s always been fond of children. Hua Cheng says they’ll probably meet one day, but Xie Lian isn’t sure. 

Hua Cheng tells him he has the day off work tomorrow and they make plans to spend time together. 

Twice that night, someone rings the doorbell but he doesn’t answer. He wakes up to the lights flickering on and off, on and off… and whether it’s someone he wants to see or not, it doesn’t really matter.

Later, he’d look back on that quiet, uneventful day and wonder if he should’ve done things differently. In the end, it would make his parents’ jobs easier a few weeks from now, so it was worth it. 

November 12th, 1986

8:30AM

His mother calls. With her visit just two days out, she’s demanding to know whether he’s forgotten about it. Have you become a celebrity? Why are you always too busy to call these days, huh? 

I’m sorry Mom. It really just keeps slipping my mind. GA

Is everything OK, A-Lian? You know you can always come home with us if you need to. 

Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing. He twirls his sole coral bead earring between his fingers. A change of scenery might be good – and anyway, if the person after him follows him there, it shows true dedication!

I guess I have been a bit homesick. GA

Who can blame you? Being out there all on your own! 

Just so you know, Mom, I do have a social life. It’s not like I’m by myself all the time. GA

Of course!! 

For a split second, he debates telling her about Hua Cheng. If not to give her the shock of her life about their relationship status, then at least to introduce him as his friend. But what’s the point? She’ll find some reason to disapprove of him. 

He wishes Hua Cheng would hurry up and get here. He gave him a key the last time they saw each other so he wouldn’t have to ring the bell anymore. 

.

10:00AM

Shi Qingxuan calls. 

That in itself is a shock. He figured it had to be a mistake. Shi Qingxuan knows they can’t talk to him in the traditional way. 

But when he picks up the receiver, text starts to scroll across the screen. 

This is the TeleRelay Service transcribing a call from SQX. Would you like to talk?

He can’t believe what he’s seeing. Yes? GA

OK, beginning transcription. 

Hey. I feel like crap. Ever since Saturday… I meant to track you down at school, but I haven’t been able to. I’ve given a lot of thought to what you said at the rink. Maybe I needed a little help from my friend to understand it, but you were right. It was unfair of me to do what I did. I left you out without realizing it. I’m starting to understand that we see the world differently because of our experiences, and things that may seem trivial to me can be detrimental to you, and I need to start considering you more than I have. And I’m really, truly sorry. I want to make it up to you – 

The front doorknob twists and the doorbell flashes at the same time. Xie Lian watches this, heart temporarily in his throat until he sees Hua Cheng’s face in the doorway, offering him a smile and a paper bag presumably full of groceries. He can tell Hua Cheng is tired – it’s been entirely confirmed he’s not a morning person. To him, 10AM is ‘early’. That’s why he typically works an 11-7 shift, 12-8 if he’s lucky. 

But today he’s off, and they’re here together. Xie Lian will have to talk to Shi Qingxuan another time. Thank them in person for their desire to change. For now, he hangs up the receiver and meets Hua Cheng by the door with a kiss. “What’s that?” He nods at the bag. 

“I thought you had groceries delivered. This bag was outside the door.”

“Throw them away!” He says hurriedly, not even wanting to look at the bag. 

Hua Cheng peers inside. “Not groceries. Just a jacket, your wallet… and this.” He plucks out a Hershey bar. His favorite candy. “Oh, and this note. This looks like Shi Qingxuan’s handwriting, right?”

Xie Lian takes the note. He wonders how long the bag was outside his door. Probably since yesterday, maybe the day before. 

“You OK? You look tired.” Hua Cheng touches his cheek. "Really tired."

“I am tired. But I feel better now that you’re here.”

“I’m tired too. Wanna go back to sleep and get lunch later?”

“Why not?” Xie Lian plucks his earring from the coffee table and moves it to the bathroom, then grabs Hua Cheng’s hand. “Let’s go to sleep.”

His bed doesn’t feel as warm or safe as Hua Cheng’s did, but it would have to do for now. He pulls back the blankets and waits for Hua Cheng to climb into bed first, then follows right after him. “I’ve only slept next to you a few times,” Hua Cheng tells him, “but I sleep so much better with you here.”

“Me too.” His eyelids already feel heavy. “I wish we lived together.” Except, he’s not sure if Hua Cheng is looking when he signs that.

.

1:00PM

At some point, Hua Cheng got up. Xie Lian only notices because he feels the bed dip down again. He opens an eye and checks the clock. One o’clock already? God, Hua Cheng must be bored of sleeping. 

“Where’d you go?”

“Your lights kept flashing on and off with the doorbell. I went to see who it was.”

God, would his glorified stalker get a fucking life? The next time the doorbell flashes, he ought to tell Hua Cheng to... Anyway, it would probably be important to know who was there, first. “Who–”

“Your friend. I said you were asleep. They’re coming back tomorrow.”

“Good. I’m not in the mood to talk.” Xie Lian is unable to hide the annoyance. Even though Shi Qingxuan apologized, he still has bruises across his knuckles from Saturday, and can't seem to get over what happened as easily as he usually can.

“You two have a fight?” 

“It doesn’t matter. Just a misunderstanding.” He slowly sits up, arching his back. “What do you want to do? I don’t have much in the cabinets to eat.”

“Let’s eat then. I’ll order food.”

“Actually… I’ve been cooped up here since the weekend. Is it OK if we go out to eat?” 

“Even better, as long as you’re OK with riding my bike.”

Xie Lian smiles. “I love your bike.”

“I do too. I love it most when you ride with me.”

Their first ride together happened at the end of the summer. They’d just started talking and Xie Lian had mentioned he’d never been on a motorcycle before. Hua Cheng offered him a ride, which was awfully generous of him, but the problem was, Xie Lian had to hold onto him during the ride unless he wanted to fall off (his fear only, Hua Cheng said it wasn’t likely). He was so nervous about touching him that he didn’t even enjoy the ride. So, when Hua Cheng looped back to his apartment, Xie Lian asked him to go around again. It had nothing to do with wanting to hold onto him properly.

This time, Xie Lian happily pulls the helmet from his hall closet that Hua Cheng had “accidentally” left here right after they started dating and puts it on, offering a thumbs up, which makes Hua Cheng laugh. His entire face is covered, which has its perks. Hua Cheng won’t be able to see him blush, or wince from fear, or even just gaze at him like the total dork he is. 

He doublechecks that his door is locked before they leave. Hua Cheng’s hand is gentle on his lower back, reassuring. 

.

4:00PM

They went to lunch on the other side of town, all the way by the water, and spent a long time lost in conversation there until the waitress came over to check on them for the fourth time and they realized they ought to leave. It’s a pretty slow day, with only a few fisherman on the edge of the pier. Xie Lian still doesn’t like heights, so he goes halfway and then hugs the railing. It’s actually terribly windy today - much more than he’d expected, and feels much colder than the 60 degrees it claims to be. Even with Hua Cheng’s jacket around his shoulders, it’s not quite enough. 

But he doesn’t want to go home yet. So, he suggests the first thing that comes to mind when they walk back towards Hua Cheng’s motorcycle. “Look at that place–” He nods at the strip of shops across the street. One of them is a psychic medium. 

Hua Cheng looks at it, then back at Xie Lian. “A psychic? That stuff is bullshit.”

“It might be fun. We can try to mislead her and see what she says.”

Thus, they find themselves sitting in a quiet, smoky room with neon lights and way too many beaded curtains ten minutes later. The woman doesn’t dress like the typical mystic, but her hair does touch her knees. Her business card says she also does group events and telephone consultations. 

There’s no crystal ball at her table, but she says it’s because the spirits don’t want to use it today; they prefer the cards right now. Hua Cheng asks if she wants to read both of them for double the charge, or if the spirits decide on that too. Xie Lian gently nudges him under the table. 

The psychic smiles, shifting her focus to Xie Lian. “Let’s start with you. I have a feeling you’re the one who wanted to come in today.” 

She shuffles the cards and draws three at random, spreading them carefully across the table. Xie Lian studies each one. The Lovers, the Chariot, and Hanged Man. 

She says the Chariot is the one providing advice to him – that he needs to prepare for changes in his near future; specifically, the possibility of moving to a different place. “Maybe you and your friend will take a spontaneous trip?” She smiles while suggesting this, but for some reason, there’s worry in her eyes, which keep glancing back to the Hanged Man. 

“What’s that one?” He has Hua Cheng ask. 

Her brow furrows as she studies the cards before concluding, “We should wait on this one – we’ll go to the Lovers, next.”

Hua Cheng, though, doesn't want to see what the Lovers have to say. “No, tell us about this one. What does it mean?” 

Reluctantly, she tells them it may mean he is involved in a situation in which he has little control – it is a situation he cannot get himself out of, and he cannot do anything but wait for it to occur and let it pass. It will be imperative to be as patient and optimistic as he can, and hold on no matter what — 

Hua Cheng slams a $10 bill on the table, grabs Xie Lian’s hand, and pulls him out of the shop.

“San Lang, wait!” He pulls free once they are outside. “Why did you–”

“I’ve had enough of this. We’re not waiting around for something to happen to you. You’re not leaving me, you’re not dying – nothing. I’m not going to let that happen or let you keep waiting around for it.”

It feels even colder, and the wind just won't let up. He hugs himself again. “What do you want me to do? Every sign points to something bad happening to me soon. My world feels like it’s falling apart and I’ve never felt more powerless. I just… I really don’t know what to do other than to wait. What would you do if you were in my position?”

“Move in with me.” Hua Cheng replies without hesitation. “Even without this situation, I’ve still wanted that since before we started dating. I want to wake up next to you every morning. Spend every day with you. Explore the world with you and then fall back into our bed by your side every night. If you haven’t noticed, I’ll tell you again.” 

Xie Lian takes his hand, stopping him. “I know.” 

Hua Cheng smiles at him, a trace of sorrow in his gaze. “I don’t care what the cards or the creep after you or even the universe says. I think we can defy all of them. And if we start now, we can probably polish up your apartment nice enough to get your security deposit back by tomorrow.”

“I don’t have much to pack, but I’ll need boxes… and before that, I think we ought to celebrate a little. Shi Qingxuan told me about this bar…”

.

6:30PM

In truth, he knew they could ‘celebrate’ anywhere, but he really needed a drink. He was wholly overwhelmed with his world: Hua Cheng’s unconditional love for him being just as strong as the fear within him from the tarot cards. Some people think those things are a crock, but for him, it’s absolutely no coincidence. Maybe being here at this bar nursing his second cocktail is disrupting the timeline, somehow. Like it’ll tell the universe to pick another fate for him, or at the very least, give him more time. 

Just across from his table in a little lounge lit by blue and orange neon lights, Hua Cheng is in a game of pool against himself. Xie Lian gave up about halfway through, having yet to hit one of his own balls and even whacking the cue ball off the table. 

Besides, it’s more fun to watch Hua Cheng. He’s so good at everything. He’s so… perfect for him. 

Yet they probably don’t have much time left together. He knows that whatever the psychic was going to say about the Lovers card wouldn’t be positive. He’s going to lose him in some way – like his literature professor has been droning on about all semester in his Brit Lit I class, perhaps they are akin star-crossed lovers. 

But oh , he doesn’t want to lose him. His eyes blur a bit with tears he cannot control. 

There’s so much they haven’t done together yet. With Hua Cheng by his side, the world feels so much more open. Safer, even, because he’s true to his word: he won’t let anything happen to him. 

But they can’t be together all the time. Even if it were possible, Hua Cheng would probably be driven crazy by it. 

That’s why Xie Lian knows he needs to utilize the time they have together and stop thinking he can push things off to the future. He likely doesn’t have a future. Every day, that feeling gets stronger. Today is the strongest it’s been. 

He gets up from his seat, his heart pounding as he bridges the gap between him and Hua Cheng. What are we waiting for, anyway ? He wraps his arms around Hua Cheng, burying his face in his back. A sensation that hasn’t frequented his heart in so long returns with great force, completely overtaking him, blocking out every last worry in his head. 

I want you .

Hua Cheng seems to gather as much without a sign conveyed between them. He turns around, studying Xie Lian closely. "You want to get out of here?"

He just nods up at him, cheeks flaming. Then, Hua Cheng hooks his fingers through the belt loops of Xie Lian's jeans and pulls him in for a kiss. Xie Lian wants to drink him in, savor every last moment - for these truly do feel like their last.

.

The ride back to his apartment is a blur. Xie Lian hugged Hua Cheng tightly, hardly looking around at the racing streets around them. He just wanted to be home. No, he wanted to be at his apartment, gather his things, and then go home.

The parking lot is almost full - most people have returned from their workdays, but nobody is around, giving him an excuse to further cling to Hua Cheng all the way into the apartment. Perhaps tonight will be the last time he ever sleeps here. That both excites and terrifies him. He squeezes Hua Cheng's hand. "Give me just a second to wash up." He tosses his wallet and keys to the couch. Hua Cheng places his keys on the coffee table instead, fearing they'd get lost like they did last week. "Sure."

On his way to the bathroom, his eye catches his coral bead earring sitting in a bowl on the counter. He'd decided to take it out of the bathroom to keep a better eye on it, lest it disappear like the other did. So far, so good.

He's quick in the shower, the heat and steam making his head even more fogged with lust. Perhaps that cocktail was an aphrodisiac, because now it's all he can think about. Or maybe it's just that Hua Cheng is that perfect. Who wouldn't want his everything, body and soul? How did he go this long without a line of suitors begging for even a moment of his attention? Xie Lian thinks about this all the time. What exactly Hua Cheng sees in him, he'll never know, but he's thankful his feelings are returned. That they clicked the way they have, that the inescapable desire to be together always is so mutual. He steps out of the shower and takes a deep breath, slowly patting himself dry.

His only hesitation now is that he knows he's not as perfect as Hua Cheng, especially physically. He just hopes it's enough.

He slips on his pajamas - hardly a sexy ensemble for the occasion, but that won't matter soon anyway. He pins his hair back to keep it out of the way. Then, with one more deep breath, he opens the door. Being good enough doesn't matter. Hua Cheng wants him as he is. He needs to learn to accept that and reap the benefits.

.

It’s messy and uncoordinated, but Xie Lian tunes out his thoughts in exchange for the feelings around him – Hua Cheng’s hands touching him all over, his lips on his, the warmth his skin. At first, their lips melded together, hardly separating even for a breath, but these grew more frantic, urgent. That was when a wave of dizziness washed over Xie Lian, letting Hua Cheng take the lead.

And that's when Hua Cheng grew a bit bolder with his touches. He pulled Xie Lian's crewneck off, leaving him in a thin undershirt, which he lifted up to demonstrate to Xie Lian just how good he was with kissing the places his hands had just been worshiping. Soon, that undershirt was discarded as well, but it still wasn't enough; Xie Lian felt as if his body had caught fire.

Yet it was interesting that despite all the fears and insecurities he had leading up to this, the moment Hua Cheng started touching him, every semblance of hesitation went out the window. Like his body was made for Hua Cheng's, like it had been waiting his whole life for him to realize this.

He likes everything Hua Cheng does, but but his kisses over his lower stomach – he notes how cute and soft it is– those send him covering his mouth, leaning back, eyes shut. Ah – 

Hua Cheng is so, so good. 

And then he stops, touching Xie Lian's cheek.

He opens his eyes. "What?"

"I want to make sure you're OK going further. We don't have to."

Xie Lian laughs, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "San Lang, you're really good at this. And you make me feel safe. So don't worry."

.

8:30PM

There was a Xie Lian before today, and now there's a Xie Lian after. They didn't go nearly as far as they could've, but as Xie Lian lies there, still coming down from his high, he's not sure how much more he could even survive.

Hua Cheng has his face buried in Xie Lian's chest, hugging him from the side. He's still fully dressed, which is a pity, but one day they'll get there. For awhile, Xie Lian just lies there, staring up at his ceiling. Eventually, he starts carding through Hua Cheng's hair. It's getting much thicker now, but thins out towards the bottom. At this rate, he's going to have a full blown mullet by Christmas. He's so cute. He's so perfect.

And he wants to give Hua Cheng something. 

Though they didn’t go as far as they could, Xie Lian finds it to be a good start. He feels closer to Hua Cheng than ever. Now, he’ll study up and learn how to make Hua Cheng feel good too. Give him the devotion he deserves. 

He gets up from the bed on wobbly legs and tells Hua Cheng to wait there, he just has to get something. 

Hua Cheng waits on the bed for a long moment before getting a bit concerned. He stands, running a hand through his mussed hair. Just then, Xie Lian is in the doorway. Tears stream down his cheeks. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Give it back.” Xie Lian takes a step towards him. He's holding an empty bowl. “Please give it back. It’s important to me.”

“What?” 

His eyes narrow. “You know what I’m talking about. My grandmother’s earring. It was on the counter and now it’s not. You were out there while I was in the shower. Please give it–”

Hua Cheng takes the bowl from him and sets it down on the side table. He doesn't even remember seeing it when he came in! “I don’t have it. Why would I–”

Xie Lian, though, does not relent, taking a step closer. “Please. If you’re short on money, if you need anything, it’s fine. Just don’t steal this from me, please. I already lost one."

Hua Cheng’s face goes dark. “What the fuck is your problem?”

Xie Lian blinks, taking a moment to collect himself before replying, “My problem? You’re the one who said you had a history–”

Something shifts between them when Hua Cheng laughs, his expression cold. He grabs his keys from Xie Lian's desk and walks out into the living room. “Now you’re going to use that against me?” 

Xie Lian follows after him, arms folded across his chest. “It was there and now it’s gone. What am I supposed to think?” 

“I’m not a thief.”

“San Lang, please–”

“ I am not a thief !” He’s not just signing anymore, he’s shouting at him. He’s never looked so furious . 

Xie Lian glares down at the floor. “The other earring disappeared after you were here too. I don’t know what’s going on, but I had to ask.”

“Yeah, you had to. Because we’re not dating, we haven’t known each other for months, and you have zero reason to trust me, right?” Hua Cheng tosses his jacket at Xie Lian. “Keep it. See if you find my clown mask in there too, since I’m the one behind all of this.” He starts walking towards the door, but something stops him. He slowly looks back at Xie Lian.

Xie Lian had planned on dropping the jacket. Instead, some ugly, insecure part of him actually reaches into the pocket. 

Hua Cheng’s eyes widen. “Fuck this. I’m going home.” 

“Stop being so defensive!” 

“Stop being so apathetic then! If someone’s after you, do something or let me do something about it! Stop waiting for your death! Fuck!” He storms out of the apartment, the door slamming hard enough to shake the room. Xie Lian glares down at the jacket. Then, he slips it on over his undershirt, grabs his slides, and stalks to the door. The pockets hold nothing but a lighter and a few receipts. 

By the time he makes it to the parking lot, Hua Cheng is speeding out of the lot.

"San Lang, wait!" He calls, waving his arms at him in hopes he can be seen through Hua Cheng's mirrors.

But Hua Cheng narrowly makes it through a yellow light, and then he’s gone. Great. The one person he had is now furious with him. Xie Lian wipes his eyes, then tilts his head up to look at the streetlight. What is he supposed to do now? Report the earrings as officially stolen? If he does, he’s going to need some sort of interpreter, and then…

He’ll be ridiculed for sure. A ‘single’ grown man complaining of his missing earrings. 

Hopefully whoever took them makes good use of them. Still, his parents will be so disappointed – they didn’t even know he’d taken them with him to college…..

A blue sedan slows to a stop about five yards away. Xie Lian rubs at his eyes. The window rolls down – the man inside – a passenger – is saying something about directions. 

Xie Lian just gestures that he’s deaf and can’t help him. Funnily enough, he can’t even seem to help himself these days. The sedan speeds off and Xie Lian stares at the ground. He feels completely lost.

I wish I was never born. 

He’s never thought such a harsh thing before. 

But damn it, it’s true. He wants, so badly, to just disappear and never come back. What’s the point of this, anyway? 

It’s cold. He needs to go back inside. But his feet feel glued to the ground, same as his eyes.

That's when he notices headlights shining from behind him.

He turns around and bumps into the chest of a masked stranger. Before Xie Lian can react, his arms are grabbed. 

During

November 12th, 1986

Everyone thinks they'll react differently. Be the one to fight off their assailant, free themselves without a scratch on them or a penny lost. Better yet, take down their assailant just by their own brute strength and adrenaline.

Of course he would've fought. Of course he wasn't taken willingly. Not much he can do, though, when said assailant had the element of surprise and a nice supply of chloroform - he was out mere seconds after locking eyes with the man who wanted him bad enough to kill him. If there were final thoughts, he can't remember. All he knows is how inevitable it all was.

He woke up to the man sitting on his legs. The van was parked somewhere, shut off. Headlights off. It was so dark he could barely read his lips. He didn't want to.

He is unable to take in a breath. His whole body is paralyzed by fear, by a million racing thoughts he can't seem to connect with. He feels like prey as he lies there, staring into the masked face of the person who had taken him.

“I didn’t want to do things this way,” he’d pinned Xie Lian’s hands high above his head, squeezing hard enough to bruise. “But his scent is all over you. I can’t fucking stand it.”

Xie Lian’s brain seemed to shift into some other place. Like he was there, but not really. He could see, but he felt nothing but his own pounding heart. 

“You’re not his anymore. If you don’t know that now, you will soon.” 

He turns his head away. He sees trees outside. Lots of trees. As a child, he longed to climb to the very top of the pine tree in his backyard. He thought he’d see the whole world from up there. His mother would say he’d see as far as the street over and to please get down, he was making her nervous. Even after all these years, he can still remember her grainy voice transmitted from his first pair of hearing aids. That’s what the voice in his head sounds like right now when he realizes he’ll never see his childhood home again, his backyard, his parents, or even the outside of this van. 

When the man slides his gloved hands up Xie Lian’s shirt, cupping his waist, he involuntary chokes out a sob. It’s weak of him to admit at a moment like this, but he doesn’t want to die. He tries to tell this man as much, but he’s unsure how clear his words are. 

His hands still and he stares down at Xie Lian, whose arms now hug himself. “You won’t. I’m not going to hurt you anymore. Not unless I have to. Why are you crying? You look so pretty when you cry.”

And when he leans down and kisses him, Xie Lian realizes the man is crying too.

Desperate, Xie Lian jams his fist into the man’s throat. He is able to yank open the door and set one bare foot on the cold, rocky ground before his other ankle is seized and he falls into a twisted heap on the ground. 

.

Hua Cheng’s going 70 in a 25 and knows it isn’t fast enough. The city is a messy blur around him. Cops must be especially lazy tonight, because he's accruing traffic violations at an alarming rate.

Xie Lian thought he stole from him. How… how could he think that? After everything they’ve done together, shared together, he went and thought that? Accused him of it, even? 

Would he ever have done that if Hua Cheng didn’t tell him about his past? Fuck it, whatever. He slows down at a light. He’s been going in aimless squares around town, blessed by endless greenlights. Now he’s stuck at a red. He watches a white van turn right towards a large development. Oddly, it has no tags. 

Maybe he should go back. 

No, what the hell is he thinking? Xie Lian just accused him of theft. He doesn’t fucking want to see Hua Cheng. If he does, he’ll probably call. 

He should head home, but for some reason he can’t will himself to stop.

***

November 17th, 1986

Mu Qing didn’t sleep last night. He sat on Feng Xin’s balcony and talked with him into the early hours of the morning, going over every detail they could. Neither of them knew Xie Lian as well as they should have, but it was clear that he wouldn’t just take off. No, the state of his apartment – the lights and TV on, his wallet and keys still there – points to his exit being sudden and unexpected. What nobody can figure out though, is who would have a vendetta against a kind deaf student who minded his business and was not involved in any sort of illegal activities? 

Neighbors in the apartment building were questioned. His nextdoor neighbor, Mrs. Yang, who had rung his doorbell every morning, had left town a few days prior. Someone said they heard a door slam, but that may not have been his. And, just yesterday evening, someone came forward with a tip that they’d seen him outside his apartment at around 8:30, 8:45. They asked him for directions, but he couldn’t help them. And now, they can’t help him, because they don’t remember what he was wearing or what he was doing outside in the first place. 

One person with the potential answer to that is Hua Cheng – who everyone but Xie Lian’s parents and the police seems to know was his boyfriend. Is. He’s got to stop thinking of him in past tense. It’s only been four and a half days. 

Also, shit, it’s been four and a half days. Anything could’ve happened to him. He could be on the other side of the world or in the beginning stages of decomposition. It’s a morbid fucking thought, he knows, but he’s thinking it anyway. If he did die, Mu Qing hopes it was quick. Painless. Even better if he was unaware.

Anyway, it’s time for work. He needs to put his mind from all of this for now. Pay the bills and worry later. It’s not like he can go out looking for him. 

His first job of the day is cleaning out some van that’s been messed up by a dog. He’s expecting a pretty nasty ordeal – dog shit and vomit aren’t his favorites, but he’s charging way more than usual. He’ll just take three showers afterward.

The van is parked around back at a Sunoco gas station, but it’s unoccupied. Even stranger, it doesn’t have plates. 

Not exactly unheard of – Mu Qing has cleaned suspicious vehicles before – but the man on the phone sounded very professional. Maybe he really was that embarrassed about the state of his vehicle and didn’t want word getting out? 

There’s a note on the hood, held down by a rock. He grabs it and squints in the early morning light. 

Sorry, I had to go in for an early meeting! Money’s in the glovebox. Key’s under the back right tire. Whatever you can do is fine, I know it’s a total mess. Thanks again! 

Mu Qing truly expects the worst when he opens the door, to double over from the stench of it. But when he opens the door, he catches a whiff of strong chemicals – the kind an inexperienced owner would use when trying to do the job themselves. There are still stains everywhere, but the interior of the van is black, making them easy to hide. 

Something certainly happened here. There are claw marks on the doors, a crack in the rear window, and of course, plenty of stains, some lighter, some darker. Some sick dog this was. Mu Qing wets a rag and presses it against one of the darker stains. When he pulls the rag away, it is stained a dark crimson. 

Calm down. Calm down . 

He turns and looks at one of the claw marks. Then, he presses his hand against it. No dog could stretch their paw out this far. 

His stomach clenches as he crawls into the van and spies what appears to be letters carved in the back corner, just by the trunk. It’s close to the ground and faint, but it’s there. 

He runs his fingers along the carving but doesn’t want to read it. Not yet. 

Mu Qing scrambles out of the car and pulls open the passenger door. The glovebox is filled with receipts, trash, and the envelope with his payment. He stuffs everything – trash included, into his pockets. 

Something slips out of the pile and onto the ground, rolling to a stop right at Mu Qing’s foot. 

He looks down at a red coral bead earring. The world spins a little as he stoops down to pick it up. Every fiber in his being tells him to start running. 

“Everything going alright? The meeting ended earlier than expected.” 

He stiffens. 

The man who killed Xie Lian is right behind him, and the primary evidence is in Mu Qing’s hands. As discretely as he can, he slides the earring into his front pocket. “Ah, yes,” he hopes his voice isn’t noticeably shaking. “I just didn’t bring a trashbag.” He doesn’t want to turn around, but if he doesn’t, it’ll look too suspicious. 

“I’ll go into the gas station and see if I can buy some.” The man replies. 

Mu Qing wills himself to turn around. When he does, he only sees the back of the man. His gait is unnaturally quick. He’s nervous and that means he’s guilty.

And Mu Qing’s legs are unnaturally fast as he takes off running in the opposite direction. The blood stained rag, the earring, and the receipts are all the evidence he has, but he hopes it’ll be enough. 

It has to be enough.

Chapter Text

After

February 21st, 1990

He wakes up on the sofa underneath the same pile of warm blankets he’d fallen asleep with. One of the dogs is asleep on his legs, the other curled up by his feet. Each morning, he’s surprised to wake on his own, untouched. He’s going completely off schedule, sleeping when he wants, waking when he wants, and it feels strange. 

A soft, warm light shines through the blinds, leaving a glare on the TV. Jeopardy! is on. 

With the help of a combination of anxiety and sleeping pills, he made it through the night. He probably managed two consecutive hours of sleep, but that’s better than it was at the hospital. 

Everyone slept out here in the den; Hua Cheng on the other side of the sofa, his legs propped under a pillow resting on the coffee table, his mom in the recliner. 

And everyone’s still here now. Hua Cheng, as expected, is still asleep. He hasn’t taken the eyepatch off once and Xie Lian hasn’t asked about it either. To some extent, he already knows what happened, but the story his captor told, that version was so much worse than reality. He said that he’d killed Hua Cheng’s mother and made him watch. Then he took out both eyes, saving one for Xie Lian so he could always remember it was his fault. And then he – 

No, he won’t think of that now. 

Hua Cheng’s mom is on the phone. She doesn’t seem to know the person she’s speaking to very well, judging by her stiff manner of speech. She’s reserved. Cautious. 

He thinks of his own mother. How long will it be until she’s notified of what happened? 

Apparently, Hua Cheng’s brother has a friend with a computer who can send something called an electronic mail message (he vaguely remembers such terminology being used by the computer science majors on campus) to a relative of Xie Lian’s overseas. They’d left their contact information with Xie Lian’s aunt as a quicker way of receiving updates, should there ever be any. 

And that message was sent almost a week ago now. To his knowledge, there’s been no acknowledgement of it. But maybe whoever received the message doesn’t have a computer, or hasn’t checked their inbox. It’s not like the World Wide Web is that commonplace; there’s not much to do on it and people have lives outside it. 

They wrote a letter too, but that’ll take ages to deliver.

For now, all he can do is wait. Hua Cheng has kept the money from Xie Lian’s bank account in a safe for the past three years, but it isn’t enough to live off of. He encourages Xie Lian to consider buying a computer himself if he is able to contact his mother, but… that’s not exactly how he’d like to reunite. If she’s confirmed alive but is unable to visit, he’ll go himself.

Or so he says, because the thought of going anywhere right now makes him nauseous. 

But he doesn’t need to think about that right now. He’s supposed to focus on acclimating. Resting, first. Then acclimating. Then figuring out the rest of his life. 

Terrifying. He turns his head into the side of the sofa. 

.

Nobody has given Xie Lian a single instruction since he was discharged from the hospital. He goes to bed when he wants, wakes up when he wants, watches TV when he wants, eats when he wants, bathes when he wants. And it feels weird. 

This morning, he stands in the guestroom (now, apparently Hua Cheng’s room for the time being) and looks into the closet at Hua Cheng’s various tee-shirts, deciding on a simple blue tye-die. It doesn’t at all look like something he’d wear. 

“I don’t even know how that got in there,” Hua Cheng says. “Probably some weird event from high school.”

He can’t shower alone just yet, so Hua Cheng waits by the door. 

The shirt is long, nearly long enough to cover his shorts. He’ll need to buy some more clothes soon. Hua Cheng says his parents may have kept some, but that’s all the way in Fremont and requires getting in contact with his aunt and cousin, who are looking after the house. And who’s to say they even kept them? 

He brushes out his hair, counting the strokes in his head. He looks a mess, but at least he’s clean. 

.

It’s time for another interview. Today, the detective asks again about the van, the interior. Then, he presses more about his captor. He’s brought a tape measure and pulls it up higher than his head against the wall. “Can you stand next to this and give a rough estimate of his height?”

He nods and stands up straight by the wall. He lifts a hand over his head and stops it about six inches up. “Around there.”

“So this man was quite tall. Like him?” He nods at Hua Cheng. 

“He had a stronger, wider build. He seemed much bigger.”

They ask the same types of questions and do the same measuring for his hands and feet. They determine they are dealing with a taller, larger than average man. He wore colored contacts in blue and green and gray. He made costume masks and props. His natural hair color was brown or black. 

Besides his height, it was a total needle in a haystack. 

But after hearing about his height, they start acting skeptical of Hua Cheng again. Like Xie Lian wouldn’t recognize him. 

As it would turn out, they just wanted to know if Hua Cheng had seen someone of that height. 

“The one I beat up? Yep. The one who gouged out my fucking eye? One and the same.”

Xie Lian asks if he can go and retreats to the den. He can do that now. He doesn’t have to ask first.

A newspaper sits on the coffee table. His name is in it. Not the main headline, but still front page. Cold Case Disappearance of College Student Has Happy Ending - 

Does it? That seems a bit presumptuous. Maybe it’s the media and cops alike trying to keep the general public calm. He’s been found, so there’s no need to focus on what happened anymore. It’s over. 

It’s not over.

He flips through the pages to the daily crossword. This was the one part of his daily routine he looked forward to. It kept his mind occupied. He made a space for himself under the stairs, one that was solely his own, and that was where he often did his crosswords. He wrote odd words and their definitions on the wall – the ones that really stumped him, in case they ever came up in a future crossword. There was a tendency for the crossword writers to repeat themselves fairly often. 

He sits down on the sofa and skims over the clues. He could have half of this solved in just a minute or two. The point though, was to pace it out as long as he could. It’s less time he had to think about his situation, and more time to be in a world of his own. 

He’s been tasked with homework. If he won’t talk, he’s supposed to write. Or draw. He can either write down what a typical day looked like over the past three years, or he can draw what the basement looked like before everything was stripped away. They’ve given him 3 days to do this. Both are tough. They showed him a picture of the basement while he was still in the hospital and asked if that was what it looked like while he was down there. It was the same basement, but he’d taken everything that made it look properly lived in away. The little TV was gone, so were the rugs – although blood stains would look suspicious, so that’s expected. The table, chairs, griddle, coffee maker, and toaster oven were gone. The pillows, comforter, and bedside lamp were gone. The heater was gone too. It looked like an abandoned place, like nobody had ever really lived there. 

Maybe it’s better to pretend he hadn’t. Like they’ve said, it’s possible his captor won’t come back. If that’s the case, it’s better to just leave things as they are. If they do that, he won’t have to think about it. And he can just rot away on this sofa forever. That’s fine too. 

***

February 24th, 1990

It’s actually impressive how long he’s been able to rot on this sofa on a daily basis. Hua Cheng goes back to work - something he does on his own and infrequently, just to help contribute to the house. His mother returns to her home office and checks on him a few times a day, but mostly he’s left to himself. He watches a lot of daytime TV and VHS tapes. Sleeps, mostly. Sometimes he’ll take the dogs outside, but linger right on the back step. They’re not as energetic as they once were and usually want to come back within a few minutes.

Overall, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be doing. He just wants to rot for a while. 

It’s been ten days since he escaped. Just ten. He’s entitled to that much. 

Wham ! The front door bangs open and in comes a flurry of children. Shit . Nobody said anything about visitors… 

They are followed in by a man who looks like an older, broader, yet shorter version of Hua Cheng. Xie Lian shrinks back. How awkward can this day get? Here he is, a total stranger sitting here in Scooby Doo pajama pants on this guy’s mother’s sofa. 

The man calls for his mom, but then his eye catches Xie Lian. He wheels in a stroller from the front porch. There’s a very wiggly baby inside, probably no more than a year old. So they did have another child… 

He’s unabashedly staring at this point, even as he unloads everything from the stroller. 

Xie Lian wants to die. 

The man unbuckles the baby and swings her onto his hip. Still staring, he finally asks, “You doing OK?”

Xie Lian nods slowly. 

“Huh. I didn’t…still be here.” He turns away, snapping at one of his kids to get out of the kitchen and wait for Grandma. 

“Alright alright, what’s the ruckus? I was in a call and you weren’t due until this afternoon.” Hua Cheng’s mom beams at the infant, immediately taking her into her arms. 

“I tried calling,” he offers. 

“Sure. And I tried telling you that these kiddos should probably visit with Grandma Lily instead of Grandma Yan this week, remember?” 

“You know she can’t stand me.” He’s murmuring something else, his eyes occasionally flicking over to Xie Lian again. 

Hua Cheng’s mom – who Xie Lian now presumes is named Yan (he now wonders about her surname – it likely isn’t Hua), nudges him. “Where are your manners? Thirty years old and you still don’t know how to introduce yourself?” She turns to Xie Lian. “Sorry about him.”

“It’s fine,” he tells her. “Pretend I’m not here.”

“No need for that. This is my oldest son, Hua Jian. That’s J-I-A-N,” she fingerspells. “Lots of folks in the air force call him John.”

“Don’t call me John,” he adds.

Xie Lian nods again. 

“My wonderful son here needed a babysitter for the evening, but I guess that includes the afternoon now too. My grandkids will be here until late, I hope you don’t mind.”

“You could probably use the help.”

“I’m not making my guest help me with those rascals. I’ll just take them out for a while, spoil them and make Grandma Lily jealous. That will be a good use of the afternoon.”

“Have fun with that. I’ll call later to check in.” He gives one last look at Xie Lian. Inexplicably, he shakes his head at him.

And then he’s gone. The baby in Hua Cheng’s mom – Ah, he has to remember her name now – stares at him intensely. 

“I never knew your name was Yan,” Xie Lian eventually says. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I don’t think I ever told you anyway! I’m just “Mom” and “Grandma” to everyone else. My surname is actually Liu, but having you call me that would be way too formal.”

One of the children runs into the room, crashing into Liu Yan’s legs. “GRANDMA!” She cries, furiously pointing in the direction of the hallway; almost certainly related to a conflict with a sibling. 

Liu Yan sighs. “Let me go take care of them and get out of your hair–”

“Are you sure you don’t need help?”

“No, I’ve got it. I’m going to take them out somewhere. Feel free to rest upstairs, they’re going to bother you otherwise.”

“Don’t worry about—”

But then she’s gone, chasing after the hoard of children. Xie Lian counts five in total. He wonders how they’re going to fit in her car. 

Or where their mother is. 

The door slams and Xie Lian peers out the window at the hoard of children following Liu Yan. The oldest two are twins, he remembers. They can’t be older than eight or nine. He’s not sure any of the younger three are old enough to be in school. It probably would be quite chaotic if they were here all day with him. 

But now he’s alone. 

For the first time since escaping, he’s alone. He checks every window on the lower level, ensuring it’s locked. Then the doors. Then he draws the curtains, turns off the lights, and starts walking upstairs. He’ll lock the bedroom door, and– wait, maybe it’s better to keep it unlocked. If he keeps it locked, someone will know he’s here. It’s better to pretend no one’s home. 

He goes downstairs again and peers out the front window one more time, just to be sure no one’s around. A car is pulling up the driveway. His heart leaps to his throat even after he recognizes the driver as Hua Cheng’s less-than kind older brother, who Xie Lian will always mentally refer to as Jian-Not-John. Wasn’t he just here? Did he forget a kid in the car? 

He grabs an envelope and walks up to the front door. Xie Lian shrinks back. He’s probably going to walk right in like he did earlier. 

But he doesn’t. He rings the doorbell. It’s been so long since he’s seen those flashing lights. Hua Cheng installed the doorbell to just flash in the front room, since that’s where Xie Lian has been staying. 

But now that the bell has been rung, he has to answer. 

Hua Jian looks a bit annoyed as he hands over the thick yellow envelope. “Cops wanted you to have this. Ran into them in the driveway earlier.”

He takes the envelope. It feels a bit heavy. 

“And can you…” He hefts a heavy diaper bag into his arms. Then, he turns on his heels and leaves. 

How many diapers can one baby go through? 

Xie Lian is quick to shut the door and lock it. Then, and only then, does he open the envelope. His eyes widen. 

There is a lot of cash in here. More than he’s ever seen at once. 

The note inside is from the lead detective. To help you get started now, it reads, Your parents had set up a fund – a $5000 reward for any information. Others contributed too – 2 groups at your university and some deaf community organization in San Francisco. Figured you should have it . Don’t spend it all at once. 

There were tears in his eyes as soon as he read the word “parents”. It’s too soon to think about the pain they’ve been in all this time. He just clutches the envelope and walks upstairs. He wonders why the money was given to him instead of being returned to those who contributed, or just held by the police forever. 

But since they dropped the ball so much on his case, maybe this is meant to be consolation. 

$5000 in cash for his trouble.

Not enough to live off of forever, but definitely enough to keep him sustained for a while. He can pay rent while he’s here. If he’s able to live with his aunt in Fremont, he’ll do it. Even though it’s his parents’ house, they may not let him, so he’ll have to consider the possibility of living on his own, which he doesn’t want. 

Still, he can’t stay here forever. The hostility from Hua Cheng’s brother indicates nobody’s really happy about him being here. He’d interrupted their lives during a hard enough time. 

He surveys the bedroom for the safest place to keep the envelope. 

Under the mattress is too vulnerable. 

The closet could be promising. It’s large, with plenty of potential hiding places. Since Hua Cheng lives here now (at least for the time being) the only thing in the closet are his clothes, giving it a warm, comforting scent. Since he’s here alone for the rest of the day, it might not be a bad place to stay. He goes to the bed and grabs a pillow. 

Then he freezes. 

He was in charge of washing laundry in the basement. They used a popular detergent brand. He’d hang the linens to dry in front of the space heater. Once they were dry, which was usually an all-day affair, he made the bed again, bathed, changed clothes, then buried his face in the pillow, engulfed in that scent when—

Breathe. Breathe . 

He scurries into the bathroom and scrubs his hands raw until any trace of that awful scent is gone. But the memory is still there. He returns to the bedroom, yanks one of Hua Cheng’s hoodies down from the rack, then curls up on the closet floor, engulfed in the darkness. He breathes in Hua Cheng’s scent like it’s his lifeline. He hasn’t started washing clothes here yet. 

He doesn’t sleep. 

He just lies there in the dark, a hand against the wall to feel any sort of vibrations. If someone slams a door. Maybe if someone walks upstairs. He can pretend he’s safe here. 

***

“Grandma,” the older of the twins speaks up when they park in the driveway again. It’s almost dinner time and their grandma promises to order pizza, which is great, but… “Who’s that guy that was in your TV room? I’ve never seen him before.”

“That,” Liu Yan unbuckles her youngest granddaughter from the carseat, “is a friend of your xiao-shushu’s. He’s staying with us for a while.”

“Why?”

“Is he homeless?” The other twin asks, still munching down on the skittles she bought at the zoo. 

“He’s not homeless. Be nice, please. He’s been through a lot.”

“What’s he been through?” The six year old hops out of the car, brushing crumbs off his lap. 

“His wife probably left him and they got a divorce ,” His little brother adds matter-of-factly. 

“Would you two hush? He did not get a divorce, he’s never even been married. Don’t talk like that around him, or no pizza.”

But when they walk into the house, that man is nowhere to be found. She tells her grandkids to wait in the kitchen and then searches the house – nothing. Hua Cheng arrives right after that, so she asks him if he would’ve gone anywhere. Before he can reply, he’s jumped onto by all his nieces and nephews, and the conversation is put to a halt. He doesn’t mind these kids, he’s just not sure why his idiot brother thought now of all times was a good day to leave them here. He gets it, the guy’s a widow under tragic circumstances, but they’ve got a lot going on here and a supportive maternal side of the family at that. 

“You seem oddly calm about this,” Liu Yan notes. “You think he’s OK?”

“I think he’s upstairs and you just didn’t see him.” He sets down his youngest niece. “Also, I’m going to beat up your oldest son when he gets back.”

“Good luck with that.”

Hua Cheng warns the kids not to follow him upstairs and lingers outside the bedroom door. He doesn’t hear anything, but that doesn’t mean Xie Lian’s not there. He steps into the room and flickers the lights. Then, he slowly opens the closet, finding Xie Lian curled up under one of his hoodies and sound asleep. As expected. He shouldn’t have been left alone. His bastard brother… 

One of the dogs had snuck into the room – Ruby, who’s better with the stairs. As soon as she sees Xie Lian, she slips into the closet too, curling up in his arms. “You little sh–”

Xie Lian pets her, slowly opening his eyes. He startles when he sees Hua Cheng, but tries not to let it show. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t know I fell asleep. Are the kids still–”

“Yeah, they’ll be here for a few more hours. I’m sorry. I told my brother not to bring them here, but he was too lazy to get a sitter.” 

“I’m the one imposing on your family. Don’t apologize.” 

Hua Cheng sits on his legs and sighs. “I have to go get pizza for the little rascals. You want to come with me? You don’t have to get out of the car if you don’t want to.”

Normally he’d give an instant no, but his eyes trail to the bed again. They are going to need new detergent. 

.

He didn’t want to look at the magazines today, but that’s where he stands while Hua Cheng goes through the checkout line. There’s an older major magazine edition from the end of last year with all the updates that happened this year. The earthquake, an oil spill… and the Berlin Wall fell. What the fuck. He might as well have missed aliens invading earth or getting sucked into a black hole. He picks up the magazine and brings it to Hua Cheng, promising to pay him back. Another recent development is the continuing efforts to instill the Americans with Disabilities Act. Naturally, there’s plenty of pushback. He’ll read that another time. The Nintendo system seems to really be taking off. There’s already a Super Mario Bros 3. 

He didn’t even know there was a second and never had a chance to play the original game. Might’ve been a nice way to fill his time back in the basement.

One day at a time. That’s all it takes. 

They sit outside the pizza place, still waiting for their order to be ready. Hua Cheng has gone back to smoking again. He says it’s temporary and there has been non-stop stress in his life for the past few months. Even without Xie Lian’s disappearance, this is true. Every time Xie Lian looks at him, he’s reminded of that. He doesn’t want to stare, but damn . Hua Cheng is missing an eye , which is kind of a big deal and they still haven’t talked about it. But how does one bring that up? “Hey, I saw your eye while I was in the basement, how did you lose it?” 

Forget it. 

He looks over at Hua Cheng again. He wonders if some weird, primal part of him is expecting his eye to reappear every time he does this. Interestingly enough, he’s somehow even more incredibly good looking now than he was then. It’s absolutely terrible that they’ve reunited under these circumstances. Otherwise, they would’ve been dating for three years now, and Xie Lian could have him however he wants. Now there’s just a huge, ever-widening gap between them. “Can I have one?” He nods at the pack of cigarettes. 

“If you want.” 

“Light it for me?”

Hua Cheng lights it once Xie Lian puts it in his mouth. As expected, he still doesn’t like it – the smoke, the taste, it’s terrible. He tried it once in high school and vowed never to do it again. Even though it’s not great, it’s kind of nice to sit here with Hua Cheng again, nothing needing to be said. They look out at the intersection nearest, watching the cars go by. 

“I missed you,” He tells him. “And that’s funny to say, because we’ve been together almost constantly for a week, but we’ve barely talked. So I still miss you.” 

Hua Cheng puts out his cigarette. He stands in front of Xie Lian. “Give me that.”

“Why?”

“It’s not good for you.”

Xie Lian takes the cigarette out of his mouth, passing it to Hua Cheng. But instead of dropping it to the ground, he puts it between his lips and takes a puff. 

His face burns, but his heart soars. Yet somehow, he misses him even more. 

“San Lang…”

“Hm?"

“Put that out.”

Hua Cheng does so, taking a step closer. “Why?”

They are mere inches apart. Behind them, darkness has set in. But it’s bright here. “Because…” he gently touches Hua Cheng’s chest with his free hand, only slightly trembling. It’s painful how much he wants to seal the gap between them, and never break apart again. And even though it’s been more than three years, and Hua Cheng could have just as easily moved on, he still gravitates towards him, that same look of total adoration as though not a day has passed since they were separated. 

But many days have passed, and he’s grown up. He was always brave with his actions, but now he’s confident. It shows in his body language - not to mention, he’s broader than before, and truly just… looks older. The haircut doesn’t help. Though his bangs are cute, Xie Lian misses the mullet. Running his fingers through it, gripping onto it while his San Lang —

“Mmh–” He can’t wait any longer. He is about to tell Hua Cheng this when suddenly he is being kissed again – kissed by someone who knows how to, by someone he wants to kiss. 

He knew it would feel different kissing him again after all this time. That there would be apprehension – that his body couldn’t so easily forget where it’s been. That was there, sure, but there was something else too. Relief. His entire body relaxes in Hua Cheng’s arms - save for his hands, which snake up to wrap around his neck. This feels right. This feels – too good. And it’s already too intense. These aren’t sweet, chaste kisses; they are something deeper, more passionate. A true reunion kiss, as though they’d been apart 800 years instead of three. 

And each one sends him further and further into a different state of mind, one he’s desperately trying to rid himself of. He bobs on the surface— San Lang giving him air, giving him life, while something dark threatens to tug him right back under again. 

This is the first time he’s been engulfed in such emotions since escaping and he doesn’t know what to do. On one hand, he wants this, he’s longed for this for years. Arms around each other and tongues entwined, it’s the first time his escape has felt worth it and he pulls Hua Cheng in further, to devour him completely. 

On the other, there’s an inner, ugly side of him screaming to be let go of, to shove Hua Cheng away and run , to find someplace that’s safe. Because even though he’s out, and he’s here, his mind doesn’t seem to think so. When he closes his eyes, he might as well be back in that cold, dark room, at the mercy of a truly evil person.

That’s why he keeps them open. But it’s not enough. It’s getting harder to catch his breath and his head is spinning, and not in a good way. He knows he has to push back, much as his heart doesn’t want to ever be let go again. 

When Hua Cheng gently pins him against the brick wall behind them, hand carefully cradling the back of his head, he can’t hold back any longer. That one action, despite how gentle, takes him right back to that room, eyes open or not. He shoves him backwards and looks away, trembling. “Sorry.”

Xie Lian hoped this kiss would fix everything. It would replace the memories from that basement. He’d start associating affection with something good again. He wanted that so badly. 

Yet the second Hua Cheng was touching him, his stomach twisted into knots. I want to be dead , he thinks as he finally looks at Hua Cheng again. “I’m really sorry.”

But Hua Cheng is taking it better than expected. He smooths his hair back, giving him a once over. “No, it’s too soon, I get it.”

“It’s not too soon.” Xie Lian insists, “I’m just… having a hard time switching my mindset around. Don't...please don’t give up on me. Please."

Hua Cheng wants to reach out and take him into his arms, wants to reassure him that he'd wait forever and longer if needed. But Xie Lian will flinch, and Hua Cheng doesn't want to hurt him more than he already has. So, he simply reaffirms, both through sign and his voice, “I won't ever give up on you.”

.

Once they got back to the house, Xie Lian urged Hua Cheng to go inside without him, that he’d catch up. He sat on the porch long after everyone had finished dinner. 

He can’t stay here. 

They’re all so overwhelmed as it is, and clearly Xie Lian is making things worse. Nobody knows what to do with him – he doesn’t even know what to do with himself. Besides temporary financial contributions, he can’t offer them anything else. And what’s worse, he’s never going to get back what he had with Hua Cheng. Tonight makes that clear. Hua Cheng should just move on. 

When he was still at the hospital, one of the psychiatrists that urged him to transfer facilities had warned him about potential codependency. It was fairly normal after a situation like his, but what makes it worse is that Hua Cheng, who he’d once dated and still has feelings for, would be the person he’s most dependent on. The lines between boyfriend and caretaker would blur, and the likelihood of a long-term healthy relationship was slim. 

He knew that, and he also didn’t imagine they’d be in the position they are now. Honestly, he didn’t even know where he’d be in a day at that time, let alone years down the road. 

He loves Hua Cheng, but this living situation is not going to work out for them, especially when he’s being such a burden to the entire family. 

Again, he thinks of his parents’ house in Fremont. Getting there and staying long-term seemed like an abstract thought until he received all that cash earlier today. Now, he has the means to support himself. He just needs a way to get there, and then… 

And then what, honestly? He can’t just leave forever without telling anyone. He doesn’t want it to be forever. He wants Hua Cheng to visit him. For them to grow back together. 

But that’s just not going to happen here with Xie Lian rotting away on the couch all day and Hua Cheng at a total loss of where their boundaries lie. Maybe it’d be better for them to be long-distance for awhile… 

But oh god , the thought of being without him makes him just as anxious as being with him. He longs to be near him, yet somehow that’s one of the most triggering things of all so far. And it’s so unfair. 

He didn’t escape just to be fearful of everything and rot on a fucking sofa the rest of his life. 

When he was in that basement, thinking about the life he was going to have once he got out, this wasn’t it. No, he was going to see his parents first. Let them take care of him. Hua Cheng and their relationship was supposed to come second. And Xie Lian was supposed to be OK with being with him again, just like before. He was supposed to be OK, and he’s not. 

He can’t go back inside. What’s supposed to happen if those kids stay the night? He’ll have to sleep upstairs with Hua Cheng, on those linens that haven’t been rewashed yet. He’ll have so many eyes on him. He can’t do it. Yet if he tries to sleep out here, that’d look even worse and he’d feel even more endangered than he does already. 

He feels backed into a corner and he hates it. 

Hua Cheng’s brother’s car turns into the driveway and Xie Lian stiffens. Great. There’s another reason he should be here; for one reason or another, this Hua Jian fellow hates him. He probably can’t wait for Xie Lian to get out of here. 

This gives him an idea. 

No sooner than the man climbs out of his car, Xie Lian hurries down the driveway to him. “Wait–” he calls. 

Hua Jian pauses, hand on the door. He’s driving Hua Cheng’s Firebird. The one they were supposed to share. It feels wrong, seeing someone else touch it. 

Xie Lian steels himself before asking, “Do you… live around here?”

He shrugs dramatically, as if to say, duh . 

“I need to get to Fremont, but I don’t know how to get there from—”

“That’s an hour the other way. South .” He points downward. “You have family there?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t want to trouble San Lang.”

“But you’ll trouble me.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets. 

“I have money. I just need to get there, no matter the cost. I can’t ask him about it.” 

Hua Jian stares at him for a long moment. Gradually, his irritation subsides and he blows out a breath. “You know what, fine. I’ll help you. If you ask my brother, he’ll take you. That’s why I’m doing this.” 

Xie Lian nods, putting his hands together. “I really–”

“Get in. I’ll take you there myself.”

“You will? But I–”

“I got here early anyway.”

***

“I don’t know how long I’m supposed to let him stay outside,” Hua Cheng admits as he peers out the dining room window. He can’t see Xie Lian from here; just the paper bags from the store he’d set down earlier and the jean jacket he was wearing. It was a little warm earlier, but not anymore. 

“What time is it?” His mother asks. She’s tired. Chasing around five grandkids all day requires a two day rest at minimum after they finally leave again. The youngest is asleep on her lap, drooling away. “Your brother’s late. He said he’d be here around 6:30, 7:00 at the latest.”

“It’s almost 9:00 now,” Hua Cheng replies. “He’s been out there for over two hours. I should – I should tell him to come in now, right?”

“Why wouldn’t he just come in himself? Maybe the store was too hard on him…”

What Hua Cheng can’t tell her is the other potential reason Xie Lian was staying outside: their little moment outside the restaurant, when Hua Cheng obviously took things too far and upset him. As good as he felt in that moment, Xie Lian was clearly suffering through it. What the fuck was he thinking, imposing himself on Xie Lian like that? No wonder he doesn’t want to come in. 

Hua Cheng needs to apologize. He needs to assure Xie Lian that this won’t happen again – that he’s here for him however needed, but he won’t overstep. “I’m going to check on him,” He decides, voicing this aloud. 

When he opens the front door, he notices his brother pulling up the driveway. That’s one problem taken care of; once these kids are gone, maybe being inside won’t be so overwhelming. Xie Lian can get some proper rest on the couch again. 

He turns towards the rest of the porch, where Xie Lian had been sitting on a wooden bench. 

There he finds the grocery bags from earlier and the jean jacket, but no Xie Lian. He hurries to the edge of the porch, leaning over the railing to peer into the backyard. Nothing. 

That horrible feeling returns to him again as his brother steps onto the porch, heading into the house. 

During

December 24th, 1986

42 days ago, six weeks exactly, Xie Lian went missing. 

37 days ago, his parents were asked for DNA samples after someone they did not know, someone who claimed to be an acquaintance of their son’s, found some concerning evidence in a white van with no tags and turned it in to the police. Worst of all, what made it undeniable that it was connected to their son was the coral bead earring – a family heirloom going back more than 200 years. They’d never seen another like it. 

DNA testing was still a relatively recent development in the forensic world, so they were told it’d take awhile for the results and to not expect to know anything until well into the New Year. Plus, what was found was likely contaminated with a lot of other people’s DNA, so nothing could be said for sure. 

Then, two days later, a friend of an officer at the station sends in a tip about seeing a white van up the coast a bit over the weekend, with its hazards on by a cliffside. 

A quick search was conducted. They found a leather jacket, a pair of joggers, and a plain white t-shirt – the exact match to what Xie Lian was wearing the last time he was seen. All were stained with blood, and more samples were taken.

 At three thirty in the morning on Christmas Eve, a few weeks ahead of schedule, the DNA results come back with a 99.999% match to both his parents. 

That’s when the case officially shifts from missing person to homicide, and when everyone knows it’s over. 

It seems certain at that point. He is dead. No one’s ever going to find him. He was here one moment, gone the next. That’s all. 

Hua Cheng sits on the front porch of Xie Lian’s childhood home in Fremont, glaring at the falling rain. Inside is overcrowded with those offering their condolences, surrounding the people too baffled to process what’s going on. His mother, naturally, is inconsolable. Hua Cheng has heard her say, long before the DNA match came back, that she’ll never survive this. Her only son was dead. 

He grips a fist, wishing to rip that awful word right out of his brain. Some would call it shock, but he’s adamant. He would know if Xie Lian was dead. It doesn’t seem possible. It isn’t . Just because his clothes were found bloodstained doesn’t mean he’s dead. Maybe there was a struggle and he was injured. There wasn’t that much blood, not nearly enough to be considered a fatal amount. 

He thinks of those boring Sunday School classes his father dragged him and his brothers to as a kid. They told him of Joseph – not the baby daddy, but another more spoiled, annoying one – and how his brothers killed a lamb and used its blood to prove to their father that his favorite son was dead. In reality, they’d pushed him down a well or some shit. But he was alive, and only his brothers knew it. 

Yet another car parks in front of the house. He thinks most people are only visiting to hear the details of what happened. Murders get people nervous. And if someone as sweet, polite, and innocent as Xie Lian can be murdered, anyone could. 

Two people– academics, he can tell by first glance – walk up the front path. Hua Cheng ignores them. 

But one of them, a man, lingers by the steps. He stares down at the bouquet of white roses in his arms. “Terrible, isn’t it? For someone you were so close to, to just be… gone .”

Still, he ignores him. 

“He was my best student," the academic continues, "a great assistant, too. I don’t know what I’ll do without him next semester.”

“An assistant,” His voice is filled with vitriol, “is replaceable . Someone’s son, their only son, is not.”

The academic smiles. “Agree to disagree. I won’t be replacing him.”

“Yeah? Neither will I.” 

.

Shi Qingxuan isn’t sure why they’re still here. It’s Christmas Eve; the semester is over and their older brother is already irritated that the annual family vacation to Hawaii has been postponed because of this. 

Shi Qingxuan could leave right now and no one would notice. The same could be said for everyone else here, really. 

Yet here they all are in this gloomy house. Shi Qingxuan sits on Xie Lian’s bedroom floor, leant against the bed. On the nightstand is a picture from spring break, eight months ago. That’s when they became friends. Both look much happier then. They went to the beach for the weekend. They tried to camp but got rained out and went to a cheap motel instead that reeked of cigars. That’s when they took this picture together. There they are, two queer folks in a totally different world than they are in now. Young and stupid and innocent. 

Suddenly, Shi Qingxuan is crying against their knees, horrible, wicked guilt rushing through them. They never got the chance to properly apologize for what happened. To be a better friend. 

Now, they never will. 

“You shouldn’t be in here.” 

Feng Xin is standing at the door, arms folded. He must’ve just arrived; Shi Qingxuan had been his only friend from school here today. 

Shi Qingxuan wipes their eyes. “His mom said it was OK.”

“Hm.” He steps into the room, almost hesitantly. “Still, it feels wrong. I wouldn’t like people going through my stuff.” The ‘stuff’ in question are the boxes stacked high in the corner of the room, when his parents had to clear out his apartment. Fortunately, there wasn’t much to take, but it’s doubtful anyone will go through them anytime soon. 

Except Shi Qingxuan, of course. They’ve got a small box right next to them. 

“What’s in there?” Feng Xin slowly sits on the ground. 

“I uh, helped with the packing up and um…” Shi Qingxuan sniffs, “ah, these are the things I think Hua Cheng would want. Xie Lian wasn’t out to his parents, so… it’s probably best they don’t know about all this.”

Feng Xin takes one glance into the box, then quickly shuts it. “We shouldn’t look through this either. It’s still private, whether he’s here or not.”

“They were so cute together,” Shi Qingxuan continues, gently pushing the box to the side. “I can’t imagine how devastated he is. Fuck… they deserved to be happy.”

Hua Cheng lingers in the hallway. He can see them, but they can’t see him. And he listens. 

“Xie Lian was really shy, but he was so excited about dating Hua Cheng. He really, really liked him. Loved him, even. He told me that one of the last times I saw him.”

“I could tell,” Feng Xin replies in a low voice. Hua Cheng has to read his lips. “He was different after they started going out. A good different. I think it helped him build his confidence. And then, of course…”

“I wish we could’ve done something sooner. Then maybe he’d still be here, and…”

Wouldn’t Hua Cheng know. If he’d only stayed that night like he was supposed to, none of this would’ve happened. 

.

The well-wishers clear out close to dinner time. It is Christmas Eve, after all, and there’s only so much time they’re willing to spare to mourn someone else’s kid. Even his mom leaves, having grandkids to visit. Hua Cheng offers to stay back and help go through Xie Lian’s things, giving Xie Lian’s parents time to rest. It’s been a long day for all of them. 

They’ve seemed oddly calm for most of the day. Perhaps they’ve come to peace with it. More likely, though, is that they’ve just gone numb. 

“Before you go,” His mother says softly, “I wanted to ask you something about him. It seems like you two were very close.”

That’s an understatement, but she doesn’t know that. He can’t possibly tell her that now; it’s not his place to reveal Xie Lian’s sexuality to his mother. If he wanted to be out, he would’ve. 

“We were, but I didn’t know him as long as I’d like. Just a few months.”

“Well, that’s a few months longer than most of his peers.” She smiles sadly, motioning for him to sit. Elsewhere, her husband seems to be moving boxes in their bedroom, likely not wanting to be part of this conversation. “I struggled with fertility. I’d been married almost ten years before I found out we were finally going to have a child. He came at an interesting time for us; we’d just moved here for better work opportunities and such, after years working towards it. I thought we’d have the American Dream. I think I watched too many movies on the subject, but…” She waves a hand. “And when he was born, I knew all those years I’d waited were worth it. He was absolutely perfect – and whether he lived a year or a hundred, I’d be blessed for every minute of it.”

Hua Cheng looks down at his hands, tears blurring his vision. 

“We didn’t know, at first, about his deafness. I thought he was just an even-tempered baby. But as he grew, he never responded to his name. His speech was limited and garbled and that’s when we took him and found out he had progressive hearing loss and was already profoundly hard of hearing in both ears. I had no experience in this type of thing. I was lost. I made mistakes. But the one thing I didn’t regret at the time was sending him to a normal school.”

Hua Cheng nods, having heard this story before. “But you know now that it wasn’t the right decision. He belonged in a deaf school, where his teachers could actually teach him.”

“You may think that, but in our minds… look, it was 1968 when he started kindergarten. There were no accommodations anywhere, and even still, there’s hardly anything. So we knew if we sent him away to that sort of school, it might acclimate him to a life he wouldn’t have outside of it, and he’d be wholly unprepared for that. We sent him there because we were thinking of his future. But after he barely passed fourth grade and failed fifth grade, we knew he had to transfer. Still, our fears were realized when he went off on his own to college. He wasn’t prepared for how the world is – and worse, the world clearly isn't prepared for people like him. I see now that he never would’ve stood a chance. Someone, sooner or later, would take advantage of him just because he’s an easy target.”

“What did you want to ask me?” Hua Cheng’s voice is a little stiff. He doesn’t want to argue with a grieving mother, but she’s completely wrong. If Xie Lian were here, he’d tell her that. 

She takes a breath, seemingly hesitant to ask. But her question weighs heavy on her heart. “Did he resent us for the decisions we made? For not setting him up for a better future? In those last few months, he rarely spoke to us. He was vague on the phone and disinterested. I think he wanted nothing to do with us – maybe he even hated us. Did he… did he ever mention us to you?”

He had, and while he sensed Xie Lian’s frustration, there didn’t seem to be any resentment there. Hua Cheng speaks carefully. “He respected you and your husband, but it was my impression that he felt you didn’t understand him. Sure, being in a world without accommodations is hard. What was harder though, for him, was the lack of understanding from the people he loves most. He’s not less than because of his deafness, and he doesn’t need to be coddled. Just understood and respected, is all. That’s all he wants.”

She stares at him, her face blank. “You use… present tense, like he’s still here with us.”

Hua Cheng doesn’t respond. 

“Maybe it’s better he’s not. Clearly, we were terrible to him. Hurting him with our ignorance. That’s what I’ve suspected since the day we found out he was deaf.”

She’s not completely wrong, but self-deprecation helps no one now. Hua Cheng meets her eyes. “All he wanted was your acceptance. You can’t blame yourself for what you did or didn’t do; most of the world has no idea how to treat the deaf. He didn’t hate you for that.”

Her bedroom door shuts. Then, abruptly, she stands, patting his shoulder in passing. “I’m really tired. Thanks for your help, young man. My son was surely lucky to know you… someone who finally could understand him.”

Hua Cheng bows his head. “And I’m glad to know him.”

She walks to her bedroom door slowly, pointedly avoiding looking in the direction of her son’s room. She pauses in the doorway. “Before you leave, could you take the trash out?”

“Sure. Would it be alright if I stopped by again tomorrow? I can help with anything – I’ve got no plans.”

“That’s alright,” she says hurriedly, looking back at him with a slight smile. “We’re actually… going away tomorrow. I don’t expect we’ll be back. Take what you’d like of A-Lian’s, and… please take out the trash. Thank you, goodnight.”

***

He's spent countless days in the dark after his tumble into the basement, but on that day, the door finally opens again. Xie Lian sits huddled in the corner and shivering and does not move as the man comes down the stairs with what looks to be carryout and a few grocery bags. “Merry Christmas,” his lips read. He tosses the carryout bag onto the floor, scattering its contents everywhere. Xie Lian doesn’t care. He eats. It’s been so many days that he doesn’t care what’s put in front of him. All he’s had is the water from the toilet tank. The sink doesn’t work. 

“Yeah. Bet you were starving.” He kicks one of the other bags Xie Lian’s way. There’s bars of soap inside and laundry detergent. “Upstairs isn’t going to work out, so we’ve got to get this place fixed up.” 

He doesn’t care or pay attention. Even after he’s scarfed everything down, he’s still famished. When can he eat again? How cruel can this man be? 

“Hey.” He cups Xie Lian’s chin. “I’m trying to make this work for you. Help me out a little.”

He avoids his eyes. “What do you want me to do?” 

“I need you to wash up. I’ve turned the water on. Then you’re going to help me clean this place up.”

For now, he uses the sink. There’s a faucet near the ground attached to a very rusty pipe, with a drain just below, but he says not to touch it. He’s going to get a little hose eventually for baths if he’s good. The water will be very cold, but the sink isn’t freezing. He drinks as much water as he can from it. 

Xie Lian focuses on washing what his clothes don’t cover, but this isn’t good enough. The man tugs at his pants and Xie Lian jolts, facing him. 

“I said wash up. Wash everywhere .” 

He thinks of his time in the van and his stomach twists, threatening to bring up everything he just ate. “N-no, I–”

Thwack ! His head is in the sink, mouth and nose filling with water. The man yanks down his pants, leaving him bare from the waist down. He squeezes out the washrag, rubs the soap bar over it, and then slips it between his legs, roughly scrubbing his inner thighs until he feels raw. He pushes his head down further and walks away. He wants Xie Lian to do the rest. 

He sits on the floor, legs feeling like jelly, and quickly scrubs down. He’s tossed a bathrobe, thin and silk and white. The man takes his clothes, then grabs Xie Lian’s arms. He inspects the skin there, still healing from the gashes made to fake evidence of his death. “They can’t know you’re here, you see,” he’d said.  

One Week Later

His captor goes away on New Years Eve. He fumbles around with the lock in the early hours of the morning, completely drunk, and nearly falls down the stairs. Xie Lian is now sleeping on a floor mattress against the wall. There are no sheets yet and the one blanket he has is thin, but it’s better than just lying here in the bathrobe. He wakes up to his captor crawling into bed and immediately tenses up, his head pressed against the wall. 

But his captor grabs him and rolls him over so they are face to face. Or, face to ski-mask. 

“It’s 1987, can you believe it?” His captor says. “I'm totally trashed. My friends throw great parties. Do you know what yours are up to?” 

He can’t look away, try as he might. 

“They’re planning your funeral. It’s tomorrow.” And he’s smiling, likely quite pleased with himself. 

Xie Lian’s so furious with him he could spit. So he does. 

.

His head has been spinning for days. Probably a combination of dehydration and how hard his head was slammed into the wall for spitting. 

But his captor’s sorry. He didn’t mean to do that. 

There will  be no doctor this time. He’s given pain pills and waits. 

A few days pass and he starts seeing straight again. Straight enough to notice the paper at his bedside and be able to comprehend what it says. 

You’ve been here almost two months and we are two months behind schedule. It’s time to set some ground rules and expectations for your daily schedule moving forward. I’d tell you this in person, but you’d find a way to ignore me. Keep this paper somewhere safe, and memorize it – it is your bible. 

Rule #1 - Absolutely no spitting, biting, kicking, or any other bullshit. Since you don’t care about being hit, I’ll start punishing people you love when you act up. While you were out you and I played a bit of dress up. I’m good at costuming. I’ve got pictures and I’ll gladly send your folks an anonymous letter. So don’t act up if you don’t want to hurt them even more.

Rule #2 - You are required to use your voice with me. I suggest you start practicing; you’re a bit rusty. I’ll learn a few signs for convenience, but you are not allowed to use them. If you do, I’ll break each one of your fingers. I can mash them all at once if that’s more convenient for you. 

Rule #3 - While you are free to wake up each day whenever you want, I will go upstairs at 7:30 and return no later than 6:00 in the evening and the chores listed below must be completed by then. If they are not, see the consequences named in Rule #1. When I return, I will bring your provisions for the following day. I expect you to cook dinner. If you don’t know how, I suggest you start learning, or… you probably can guess what happens next. 

Rule #4 - This will not be a daily occurrence, but sex – both oral and penetrative – is mandatory. You will spread your legs when I say so. Don’t bother trying to fight me over it, or worse, stalling. I hate that. Just do it the first time you’re asked. You’ll be fine. 

He can’t read the rest, barely making it to the toilet before getting sick. Nothing but bile, but his stomach keeps contracting anyway. His body is covered in a cold sweat and his vision goes back to blurry. There’s no way he can do this. Even if he tries, that man will find something wrong and punish him and the people he loves. He’s in literal hell. 

Later, he’ll finish reading the rules. He has to bathe every evening. Then his captor will bathe, and Xie Lian has to sit on the stairs and read to him. He has to keep his hair braided every night so that it stays tangle-free. He's to follow every order without protest. He needs to show interest in whatever subject his captor chooses to discuss. When he starts following the rules, he’ll be brought pajamas and a thicker comforter for the bed. Cooking supplies will arrive in the next day or so. As for mental stimulation, that is dependent on his behavior and he is open to suggestions. 

Xie Lian is still knelt by the toilet when his captor returns that evening. When he touches his shoulder, Xie Lian doesn’t move. He feels dizzy. 

He’s moved to the bed and given soup in a canister. He keeps maybe half of it down. 

***

He’s so fucking beautiful, even in sleep. Nobody’s perfect, but Xie Lian is close to it. If only he’d get used to his new living arrangements, they’d both be much happier. But he won’t let his pride go – his stubborn insistence that he is going to get out of this, dead or alive. 

And that is not happening. 

He’s doing his best to be patient. Xie Lian will calm down and adjust with time. His job, as his captor, is to be consistent. So that’s what he does. 

He pulls up in the driveway at a quarter to six. It’s dark, and this house is in a quiet, mostly unoccupied part of the neighborhood. Still, he looks around carefully before pulling up into the garage. 

He’d like to move to a more secluded spot one day, maybe spending the summer at a remote cabin, but that has its own risks, and he’s already been quite ambitious lately. 

He’s asleep. He’s asleep , curled up in bed, and dinner – what appeared to be soup – is burning, even though the little tabletop stove is set to low. That means he put in no effort – it was probably left all day. 

The rest of the basement is clean and there’s laundry hanging out to dry, but dinner is burnt. Like he did it on purpose. 

He seizes Xie Lian by the wrist and drags him over to the stove. “What the fuck is this?”

Xie Lian, still struggling to wake up from his presumably deep sleep just now, struggles to reply. “I… I forgot—”

“Tch, you ‘forgot’? Let’s see how long it’s been on the stove for.”

He pours the soup across Xie Lian’s arms and the back of his hands. As expected, it’s clumped up – singeing him, but not even burning through a layer of skin. All day, as expected. Defiant little –

Tears trickle down his unrivaled, incredibly gorgeous face, like pearls but even more precious, his eyes filled with a terrible sorrow. Perhaps he’s truly sorry for ruining their dinner. 

“Just do better next time. Prioritize your work.” His skin is hot to the touch. It probably hurts. “I’m going to go get dinner, just for tonight. Clean up this mess and wait for me.” And when he lets go, Xie Lian returns to that corner of the mattress he loves so much, pulling the blanket up over his head like a pouting child. 

He’s so cute. But so naughty. He has to stay firm with his punishments. 

He walks up the narrow steps, watching Xie Lian all the way. He nearly slips a few times. 

.

He returns an hour later with dinner and aloe vera for Xie Lian’s burns. He finds him standing by the neatly made bed, holding a bucket of mop water. The floor and cooking space are clean. His forearms look even more irritated than before. He’s probably in a lot of pain, but he doesn’t want to show it. 

“Good job,” He sets the to-go bag on the table. “You can eat now. I’m going to warm the bath.”

Xie Lian sets down the bucket. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t. For once, instead of that arrogance, is fear. 

Good. 

He’s starting to get it. 

“Sit down.” He tells him. And Xie Lian does . He couldn’t be more pleased with how the evening is turning out. That’s why he doesn’t sit down. Instead, he puts his hands on either side of the table and watches. 

“D-do you…”

“Hm?” He tilts his head. 

Xie Lian swallows and tries again. “Have you eaten? Do you want anything?”

He pats his cheek, a little hard. He’s got to work on enunciating his h- and th- sounds. “I’m fine. You go ahead.” 

His eyes are still wide – like a doe’s. Why couldn’t he have been like this from the start? “A-Are you sure?” 

Damn it , he needs to try harder with his speech. The frequent mispronunciation, whether it’s from lack of use or fear, is unacceptable. Doesn’t he know who he’s talking to? Shouldn’t he want to get it perfect for him? This kid is maddening! So fucking—! 

He can’t help but slap him, then gaze at him with absolute admiration. He can’t wait to take him apart, understand him from the inside out. Most of all, to shape him, to make him completely perfect.

He gets sick. Right there at the table. Disgusting, but delightful. He’s never seemed quite so afraid as he does now. He stares down at his own mess. “I… I don’t know w-what you want me to do…”

He tips Xie Lian’s chin up, smiling when he flinches. “Are you afraid of me?”

He nods, just slightly. 

“You weren’t afraid before. When you hit me, spit on me, ignored my rules. You were very brave.”

“You weren’t so cruel before. So intense. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“It’s alright. You’ll learn. It helps your case if you want to do better. Do you want to do better?”

After a moment’s hesitation, he nods. 

“Good. That’s good. Since you’re not up for dinner, I have something else you can do.”

Xie Lian looks up.

“Go and lie down. Wait for me there while I clean up a bit.”

“I can clean up, you don’t—”

He seizes Xie Lian’s scalded wrist, smiling when he winces. “It’s not a suggestion, it’s an order. Take your robe off and wait for me over there.”

But still, he doesn’t move. Unbelievable. “Are you… are you that thick ? Your life is in my hands and you still want to be so insolent ? Acting like such a prude – it’s not like you’ve never done this before.” He drags him over to the bed. Xie Lian is not making it easy. He’s not paying attention, not looking at him, and not allowing himself to be positioned. What does he have to be so nervous about? It’s a vastly different sight than that indecent display a few weeks ago, back in his apartment, when his arms and legs were tangled around that biker kid and he seemed to have no problem emitting all sorts of indecent sounds. 

Now, he takes it like a goddamn corpse. Stiff and unyielding and silent, save for the occasional hitched breath, reminding his captor he’s alive. Might’ve been easier to kill him. 

This was supposed to be enjoyable, but Xie Lian’s stubbornness has thwarted all of his plans. He doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. He does, however, still have a weakness, as any human does: his family on the outside. 

If he knew his father was dead and his mother hospitalized, he’d be even less likely to follow orders. But if he thinks something is going to happen to them – better yet, his boyfriend – if he doesn’t follow orders, that might be a way to gain his cooperation. 

He’s got an old home movie camera in the garage. It looks like it’s time to do some filming. 

Chapter Text

Before

September 1st, 1973

“MOM!” Her little boy – hardly so little anymore, but she won’t think of that now – comes barreling into the house. He just got off the bus, and it took everything she had not to wait around the corner at the curb for him to arrive. She didn’t want to baby him any further, or worse, embarrass him. 

And maybe a selfish, ugly part of her worries about her neighbors knowing exactly where the child exiting the bus labeled California School for the Deaf lives. 

They just moved to a new, more diverse neighborhood in Fremont. They’ve entered the middle class and life is good. It would be even better if her son didn’t fail the fifth grade this past year, and if the school wasn’t so good at spreading gossip. Everyone knew about it. The principal suggested he transfer. He said their academics would only become more rigorous as he moved to junior high, where students would be prepped for the workforce. “And truthfully,” he’d said, “jobs are not in hot supply for disabled people. Don’t set your expectations too high for him in life.”

But her son is smart. And so, so kind. And, at present, very excited. He crashes into her arms, hugging her tight. He gets a little flour on his face from her apron. She pulls him back a little. “What is it?” 

“I learned so much today! Long division and the Pilgrims and the planets and we painted and–”

“Slow down, slow down!” She fondly brushes his cheek. “Isn’t that what you always did at school?”

“It’s different now!” He says and signs at the same time. “It’s easier to understand. My teacher is helping me learn new signs so I can… participate in class. And they write everything down and don’t go too fast.”

“That’s great, A-Lian. You want to go back tomorrow?”

“Can I? And the next day… and the one after that, and–!” 

She laughs, stroking his hair, “I’m glad you like your school, A-Lian. I hope those grades fly up faster than a rocket for you. In fact, I know they will. I know you’ll make us very, very proud.”

“I’ll try…” He says bashfully. 

She pinches his cheek. “You already do . Ah - I think I just heard your dad’s car. Why don’t you go tell him about your day?”

May 24th, 1980

It’s an unseasonably hot day, but she cannot stop moving. With relatives coming over any minute, the Hoover is apt to explode. It’s been so long since they’ve had guests over at the house. She can only wish it was under better circumstances – but her son’s graduation is still a year out after being held back once ages ago, and there’s little other reason for her family to come over. She’d much rather come to them. 

This time, though, there’s no choice. Her grandmother – matriarch of the family – has died at the grand old age of 96, and her nursing home was in Fremont, so her funeral will be here as well and it seemed convenient for some relatives to stay with her versus finding other accommodations. Her husband and son, though, seem to feel otherwise. 

“Still not too late for an impromptu camping trip, is it?” Her husband enters the den, turning on the TV in passing. 

“You’ve never camped in your whole life.” 

“We could figure it out.” He sinks down onto the plastic covering the sofas - a recent addition to the room - and stretches his arms. “A-Lian’s been wanting to go.”

“To that summer camp out in- in Colorado of all places? I think not. Putting a cluster of deaf children out in the woods is a horrendous idea.”

“It was actually Idaho, I think? And the thing is, he’d be watching them, so…”

“You’re hardly ever this lax about A-Lian. Why do I have to be the bad guy today?” She turns off the vacuum, then fidgets with the strings of her apron. “I know you’re worried about him while our guests are here. I am too. But I can’t just run from it. This is his great grandmother, so he needs to be present.”

He leans back, sighing. “Whether I agree or not is moot. I came out here to tell you he’s already left.”

“ What ?”

“According to the calendar, today there’s an open house at the school, and they’re having a panel about the summer camp and volunteer opportunities.”

“Oh! You have to go get him! Did I not specifically say he needed to stay home with us today instead of wandering off like he always does?”

“I think it’s called a social life.”

“What it’s called is insolence. Oh .” She sinks down beside him. “I love that boy with everything in me, but… I feel like the older he gets, the tighter I have to cling to him or else he’s going to fly right out of my reach forever…”

“He doesn’t have to. He’s not going to leave us, you know. He’s just at that age where any and everything is cooler than being with Mom and Dad. But someday, I’m sure he’ll miss this.”

.

He will not, in fact, miss this. Not when his dad flashes his headlights at him in front of the school, motioning for him to hurry up. His great grandmother’s funeral is in two days. Today, his horrible little cousin is coming over and he doesn’t want to be home. He feels like he’s explained this to his parents a thousand times. 

Reluctantly, he walks over to the car. 

“Get in,” his dad says. He never learned to sign. Found it difficult and mostly unnecessary, or so he claimed during the orientation Xie Lian's first semester here. Xie Lian's wondered if he let his speaking skills go, if that would change anything...

“But I was just about to–”

“Now.”

Xie Lian stares out the window for most of the ride home. He doesn’t want to be home. Qi Rong is an asshole . His aunt is no better. He’d much rather be at school among people who actually respect him. 

“Hey.” His dad taps his leg to get his attention. “I know you’ve been wanting to volunteer at that camp, but it’s not going to happen this year.”

“Why not?” He replies softly, clenching a fist. “You wouldn’t let me go as a camper for the five years I asked. Now I’m old enough to volunteer and it’s still a no– why can’t I?”

“We just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be so far from home, is all. You’re not quite ready.”

Xie Lian’s eyes widen briefly. He props his feet up on the dash. “I’m almost eighteen.”

“Then we’ll discuss it next year.”

Xie Lian already knows they won’t. There are people his age prepping to join the military as soon as they turn eighteen. Nobody tells them that they aren’t ready. 

It’s incomprehensible why the world seems to think that just because he lacks a sense means he could never be on the same, or even a higher level, of maturity or intellect as his peers. No, he has to be babied. The world is too scary for him, they say. 

But it's not.

Sure, it's difficult - and people with his parents' mindsets make it even more so- but it's not scary. And if they keep holding him back like this, he's never going to experience anything but frustration.

When he sees his aunt’s car in the driveway, he wants to shrink down into his seat and never come out. 

“Be nice.” His dad orders, touching his shoulder. “Your cousin will be sharing your room.”

“Dad!” 

“Be the bigger person, A-Lian. It won’t be as bad as you think.” 

Bullshit , he thinks, but would never say. He climbs out of the car and for the first time in his life, wishes he never had to see this house again and every single person in it, those who never could seem to understand him, and those who never thought to try…

After

February 24th, 1990

He stands, alone, in front of his childhood home. 

Or at least, he thinks it is. If it weren’t for the crooked number on one of the posts by the front door, he would believe he was at yet another abandoned house. But no, this is it. 

The blinds of the front room are shredded, giving him a view of the bright TV light. The music is loud enough to thrum through his feet. 

The yard is filled with trash and the grass is long, nearly knee-high. There are squashed beer cans everywhere, metal objects, even a few tires. Part of the grass is burned where a bonfire was held. One of the windows has a crack in it. 

He takes a breath. 

He doesn’t want to go in, but it’s cold and he doesn’t have many options here. He regretted coming about two minutes after leaving Hua Cheng’s house, but Hua Jian was in such a mood that Xie Lian was too afraid to tell him to turn around. 

Now that he’s here, the situation is worse than expected. This is capitalized by the yellow paper stuck to the front door. He carefully pulls it off. 

The city’s going to take the house in 10 days if the entire property isn’t brought up to code, and they are being fined $1500 dollars, plus $50 for every day after the notice was given that nothing is being done. The date this was delivered was three days ago, leaving just a week left. 

A week, until his parents’ house is gone forever. 

He summons his courage and knocks on the door as loud as he can. He doesn’t expect an answer, but whoever’s inside turns on the lights and soon he’s looking in the face of his younger cousin Qi Rong – somebody he hasn’t seen in probably close to ten years, since he finally convinced his mother to stop forcing him to attend family gatherings. 

Qi Rong looks genuinely shocked for a few seconds before his brain comes back online. Then, he's back to total menace mode. “Haha, what the fuck, I think I’m seeing a ghost!!” He has a cigarette in hand, his other is stuffing a wad of cash back into his pocket. “I thought you were someone else.”

“What are you doing here?” Xie Lian looks behind him. There’s hardly a path through the front hall; it’s piled up with trash. Literal trash . 

“Mom left me the place ages ago. Wanted me to figure shit out on my own, I guess. Real question is, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead. Hoped you were, too.”

“I’ve been back for over a week,” Xie Lian says, staring at the ground, “Which means this is my house now, and you need to leave if you aren’t going to help me clean this place up.”

Qi Rong beams at him. “Nah, I won’t. You don’t have a say in jack shit , cousin. The government still thinks you’re dead.”

Xie Lian grimaces, shoving the paper into Qi Rong’s chest. “Did you see this ? We have a week until the city takes the house.”

Qi Rong flips the paper over. “I can’t read, so… not exactly a threat. Anyway, they’re a bunch of pricks. Can’t make me do shit.” And with that, he walks back into the trash pile of a house, leaving the door open. 

Xie Lian steps inside. 

.

“Mom, he’s gone, I have to go–” Hua Cheng rushes into the house, grabbing his keys from the dining room. He can’t see straight and his heart is pounding hard enough to knock him over, but he can’t stop moving. He’s not letting this happen again. It won’t —

“He’s not gone.” His brother says coolly, standing by the door. “I mean, he’s gone, but not gone . He went to Fremont.”

Hua Cheng turns around slowly. What's even more unbelievable about this situation is the casualness in which Hua Jian just said such a thing. “What…?”

Hua Jian gestures a thumb towards the door behind him. “To his parents’ place? He wanted to go. Asked for a ride and everything.”

Hua Cheng, for the umpteenth time this year, sees red and does not care for the consequences. He grabs his brother's shirt and pulls. “What the fuck are you trying to do–”

“Hands off,” Hua Jian replies, gripping tight to Hua Cheng's wrist with enough strength to snap it in half, “Or I’ll knock you right onto your ass.”

“Like you did your wife that time you were 'drunk' and she'd come to see me?”

“You motherfu–”

“You’re always meddling !” Hua Cheng shoves him backwards. "You blame everyone but yourself but you've been the problem for all of us since --"

“Oh, and you’re just completely sound-minded here, right?" Hua Jian cuts him off. "You knew the guy for like two months before he went missing, and now you’ve dedicated your whole fucking life to him? Went and ruined it too, didn’t you?!” 

“Enough! Both of you!” Their mother pries them apart. “A-Cheng, do you really need another pointless charge on your record? What’s the point of studying for your GED then, if you’re going to make yourself unhirable?” 

His older brother smirks, but she isn’t finished. “As for you, aren’t there five children you recklessly created in the other room? What kind of example does that set for them? If one of you lays a single finger on each other, you’re both out. You got that? Cool off.” 

They do separate, but the tension is just as high. She takes a breath. “A-Jian, did you take Xie Lian to Fremont?”

“Because he asked .” 

“And you wanted him gone –” Hua Cheng coldly reminds him, shutting up when his mom lifts a finger. 

“You left him at his house, correct?”

“A total pigsty, but yeah. Someone was home, so it’s not like he’ll be stuck outside.”

She sighs quite deeply, stepping away from the door so Hua Cheng can burst through it. “There’s no way in hell he should be there alone.”

.

He hasn’t cried since he escaped and reunited with Hua Cheng. He held it all in, convinced he didn’t need to. To protect himself, mostly. He knew if he started feeling things, he’d be in danger of never coming around again. 

But he sits in his backyard, which is stacked waist-high with junk as far as the eye can see, and he cries. He won’t be able to clean this place up. If any of his belongings are here, they’ll be thrown out if he can’t find them first. And they might be too destroyed to keep anyway. 

He had to escape his captor, but he never anticipated life being so complicated as a result. Maybe he should’ve gone to that rehab facility after all. 

It’s too late now anyway. The papers have deemed his case a happy ending, and the police will never find the man responsible, so he’s stuck with what he has. 

At the hospital, he was asked if he was suicidal. Sure he is. He’s been suicidal for three years. But he didn’t escape just to kill himself now. He has to find his mother. Take care of her. And… and end things with Hua Cheng, to help him. He’s still so young. He shouldn’t devote his entire twenties to someone like Xie Lian. There’s definitely someone out there, someone without baggage, someone younger, someone who can give him the love and life he deserves. He should find that person. 

And yet, the thought of Hua Cheng being with anyone else makes him want to rip his heart out. 

If Hua Cheng wants to wait for him, that’s his choice. But Xie Lian doesn’t want to wait. He’s spent three years devoid of love or kindness or desire and hating every inch of himself and remembering and longing for the times he and Hua Cheng were together – in a time that seems almost dreamlike now – when he felt like a person, when he felt as though he could be loved or desired. Now, the only word he can use to describe himself is burden. 

As he tearfully surveys the landfill of a yard before him, he catches notice of a man approaching. He looks right at Xie Lian and speaks.

“Xie Lian, is that you?”

It takes him a long moment to recognize who is leaning over the fence, and his heart to dislodge from his throat. Since when does Feng Xin live in Fremont? He feels a bit more relaxed, but still hesitant. He doesn't really want to talk to anyone right now.

“I’ve come by every day— were you here the whole time?”

“No…” Xie Lian wades through the grass towards the fence. “I… I thought I could stay here, but my cousin destroyed it.”

“I can tell. It looks worse in the daylight.”

Despite the situation, Xie Lian laughs at the ridiculousness of it all. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay with San— with Hua Cheng anymore. His family is really struggling right now. But… I can’t stay here either. And I can’t be alone.”

“Does Hua Cheng know you’re here?”

“No…”

Feng Xin runs a hand through his hair, concern growing in his expression. “I’d imagine he’s really scared right now. Maybe I could call him for you?”

“Don’t trouble yourself. His brother took me here.”

.

They sit on the curb at the side of the house, under a streetlight. Feng Xin smokes a cigarette. Xie Lian declines. After the disaster of his and Hua Cheng's little cigarette break earlier, he doesn't plan on smoking again.

“I just want to forget," Xie Lian says. "But more than that, I want everyone else to forget. To stop thinking of that when they look at me. They pity me.”

“I think that’s fairly normal. You’ve been through something terrible, and people aren’t sure what to say. If there’s something you don’t want them to say, I think they’d be glad to know.”

Xie Lian shrugs. “I don’t know what to say. Where to start. I don’t want to talk about what happened - I want to move on, but nobody else feels the same.”

“I know you want to, but it’s not time to move on yet." Feng Xin puts out his cigarette and looks at Xie Lian for a long moment. It makes Xie Lian uncomfortable, but he doesn't say anything. He pays attention to Feng Xin's words. "A few things need to be dealt with, and once they are, this never has to be spoken of again. But man, think about it. If this happened to anyone else, would you want everyone to just forget? Or would you want to do everything in your power to help them through it?”

“I know. The problem is… I want him to be my boyfriend more than just another person to pity me. And he’s going to if… if he knows…”

“Knows what?”

Xie Lian rubs at his eyes, then continues, “When we met, he was my first everything. But everything is different now. I’m different. I haven’t told him anything yet. If he finds out the extent of it, he’ll never look at me the same again. He won’t want me— not just because he’ll be disgusted with me, but because he’ll just feel too guilty. I know it. I know him too well.”

“But if you don’t tell him, isn’t that unfair?" Feng Xin asks. "He should be able to make his own choices.”

“I need to call the shots right now. If he wants to support me… to really help me, he needs to accept that. I know it’s a lot to ask of anyone, but it’s what I need.”

“Have you tried telling him that?”

“I haven’t… said much of anything to him. It’s hard to bring up.”

“I get that.” Feng Xin offers a small smile. “I’d pat your arm in comfort, but I’m not sure if that’s OK.”

Xie Lian smiles back. “Thank you for asking.”

He feels the rumble of an incoming vehicle before the headlights light up the street. It’s a motorcycle.

More specifically, it’s Hua Cheng.

Feng Xin stands first, then helps Xie Lian to his feet.

Hua Cheng pulls off by the curb and Xie Lian knows he’s in trouble. He knows he should apologize, but he can’t. He had to leave. He can’t be a burden. He can’t…

“Are you okay?” Is the first thing Hua Cheng asks. He’s angry, but he has to know first.

“I’m fine, but—“

“What are you doing here?” He snaps at Feng Xin. He's never seen Hua Cheng bear such a hostile expression, except maybe with his captor.

“I’ve been…” Feng Xin turns away slightly, so Xie Lian is unable to determine exactly what he’s saying. He just stands there awkwardly and waits for him to finish.

Finally, Hua Cheng looks at him again. “Why did you come here by yourself?”

There are a lot of reasons why. He can’t think of them right now. “I don’t know.”

Hua Cheng blows out a breath. “Are you going to stay?”

“I want to, but my cousin destroyed the house. The city is taking it if it’s not cleaned up, and he refuses to help.”

He looks up at the yard, his expression growing dark. After a moment, “Wait here.”

Xie Lian does as told, and Feng Xin can’t help but walk a few steps away to see what’s going on. Apparently, there’s some racket at the front of the house, and soon, Qi Rong is crashing into the front sidewalk. His head is then smacked with a full duffel bag. Qi Rong shouts something at Hua Cheng, but scrambles to his feet and departs in the shitty mercury in the driveway.

Xie Lian watches him speed off, then cautiously walks up towards the house. “San Lang is very… passionate.” He explains, as if that justifies what they just saw.

“Seems like he has anger issues.” Feng Xin replies. “I have to go— I’m supposed to be somewhere soon. Is it OK if I stop by again tomorrow night? I can help out with the clean up.”

“Sure. I’d really appreciate that.” And he does, even if it's hard to be seen again by someone who knew him before. The good thing is, Feng Xin didn't know him well at all. If someone like Shi Qingxuan came back around, it'd be much worse.

“Hey. I’m really glad you’re back.”

He pats Feng Xin’s arm, withdrawing rather fast. “Thanks. See you tomorrow.”

Hua Cheng lingers back on the porch until Feng Xin is gone. “Hey. This place looks really bad. I think we should sleep at my place and come back tomorrow—“

“No. If you want to leave and come back, that’s fine. But I’m staying.”

Hua Cheng steps off the porch. “Look, if this is about that kiss—“

“It’s not.” He takes a breath. “I wanted you to kiss me.”

“Then did I do wrong? Why did you leave like that without telling anyone—“

“According to the calendar, I’m twenty seven years old, San Lang. I… I don’t have to tell anyone when I want to leave.”

Hua Cheng backs off a bit. “If anyone in my family did something to offend you, I’m sorry. I want to make it right. I want you to come back with me so I can keep you safe. But if you want something else… just tell me. I can’t read your mind.”

“I miss your old hair.” Xie Lian blurts.

Hua Cheng blinks at him, a little lost. “What?”

“It was long and fluffy and I liked to run my fingers through it. Now your hair is short and coarse and when I touch you it’s different. It doesn’t feel like you. Why did you cut it?”

He shrugs weakly. “Styles are changing—“

“That’s not fair to me. In my mind it’s still ‘86. I didn’t get to see the gradual change, just the result. And I miss the original.”

“I’ll… I’ll grow it out, then. It’ll take some time, but if you bear with me, it’ll get there.”

“That’s exactly how I feel. Bear with me, San Lang. I promise I won’t always be so… so aggravating. One day I’ll make sense again.”

Hua Cheng offers a reassuring smile. “If we’re going to clean this place up, we’re going to need supplies. Gloves are a must. Trashbags, too. Although… it might be better to rent a dumpster.”

“There’s a convenience door down the street.” 

.

Hua Cheng thoroughly surveys the house. Though there’s stained carpeting, holes in the walls, and enough trash for a landfill, structurally the house is just fine. There are no leaks from the roof, no obvious signs of mold, and all the appliances are working as they should (although the refrigerator is a frightening sight). 

He suggests they work on cleaning out Xie Lian’s bedroom, but Xie Lian pointedly ignores that and sets to work on the den instead. He’s primarily avoided bedrooms since escaping. Hua Cheng can guess why, so he doesn’t ask. Still, Xie Lian can’t sleep on a couch forever… especially one his cousin frequents. He’ll search the linen closet for clean sheets at minimum. 

They work side by side in silence for a while, but both seem restless. Fortunately, it’s Xie Lian who finally breaks this. “I’m sorry I worried you. I had to leave because I realized how much stress I was placing on you and your family. But above that, I wanted to hide. It’s hard to pretend everything is fine when so many people are watching.”

“Yeah it is.”

Xie Lian sets down the trashbag he’d nearly filled to the brim with beer cans. “I was alone for most of three years. It’s weird to come back and have people care about me, but it’s hardest to remember again and again that I’m holding everything up. Everyone wants to know what happened. The longer I stay quiet, the more suspicious it looks, but I can’t say it out loud and no one has the patience to go at my pace.”

“I will, but on one condition,” Hua Cheng replies.

“What?”

“You have to be open with me when you’re feeling overwhelmed. If something bothers you, if I do something that bothers you, if you’re having a flashback – I want to know. I won’t ask questions if that’s what you’d prefer, but I want to help you.”

Xie Lian knows he has the right to know these things. Further, he longs for someone to meet him where he’s at – to listen to what’s bothering him without asking a million follow-up questions – that’s what he’s afraid of the most. So, he comes to a decision. “Let’s make a deal, San Lang. It will help us catch up with each other.”

“You got it. What’s the deal?” 

“For each room, we can each ask two questions – these can only be asked when a corner of the room is clear. So, four corners, four questions. Two for me to ask you, two for you to ask me.”

“Got it.”

“We can skip questions, but if we do, we have to tell each other something else instead. And…” He glances towards the clock. “We have to stop at midnight, and no questions before eight in the morning.”

Hua Cheng nods again. He surveys the corner they’ve been working on. “This one is almost clear. How about you go first? Ask me anything.”

Xie Lian picks up the last few cans and then ties off the bag. “Take this out first. I’ll have your question when you get back.”

Hua Cheng does as told, and once he has left the room, Xie Lianian crawls over to the floor-to-ceiling window – some odd design choice the first owner had in this very old house, and rests against the frame. He used to sit here in this windowsill and watch the world outside for hours as a child. His favorite times to do this were rainy days, rare as they were. He takes a deep, slow breath and closes his eyes. Thanks to his cousin, it doesn’t smell like home anymore either. 

One day at a time. 

When Hua Cheng returns, Xie Lian has his question ready. 

Hua Cheng sits by the window too, waiting patiently. 

Then, Xie Lian asks, “Do you still watch The Golden Girls ? I saw a rerun listed in the TVGuide the other day and was thinking about one of our first dates when you told me that.”

Hua Cheng laughs. Xie Lian smiles at him. He missed that.

“I haven’t watched in a while, no. My mom does. That and some show called Full House .”

“She told me you remind her of the uncle, minus the playboy persona,” Xie Lian tells him. 

“He could only dream of looking like me.”

They finish the second corner of the room and Xie Lian knows he’s about to be asked a question. He can only hope to give a good answer – and that the question itself isn’t too difficult. But knowing Hua Cheng, it won’t be. He’s so good to him. 

When the final pizza box has been compacted and thrown out, Hua Cheng faces him. “My turn. What did you miss the most while you were gone?”

Of course, Xie Lian wants to say ‘You’. Maybe it’s evident in the way he looks at Hua Cheng, for the other man’s expression softens greatly. But a gaze alone is not an answer. So, Xie Lian tells him, “I missed this . The ability to talk to someone so casually. Being here . And being with you . Tonight, I’m able to combine those things.” The only thing missing is his parents, but the more he thinks about it, the less likely he’d have a smooth recovery with them, either. After all, like his captor, they too preferred his voice… 

Yet again, his thoughts start to wander away. He shakes his head and says, “Let’s see if we can finish this room before midnight. I’m tired but determined.”

The third corner is finished at 11:00. Hua Cheng had ordered some late night takeout and the two take a break, sitting crosslegged on the clean vacuumed floor. The rest of the mess is behind the sofa, heading towards the hallway. But this space is clean and somehow not too bad looking, despite its prior abuse from Qi Rong. 

They watch a rerun of The Golden Girls , apparently the latest episode. A childhood friend of one of the girls comes to Miami, complicating things with her current boyfriend. This seems to inspire Hua Cheng to ask, “I don’t know if this counts as my third question, but who was that guy you were sitting with earlier?”

“It’s fine, but it's my turn,” Xie Lian replies, taking another bite. They’d ordered from a local Chinese place; his mother didn’t like their prices, but few other places were open so late and still willing to deliver to the house that never tipped (thanks, Qi Rong). He sets down his chopsticks. “He was sort of a friend of mine in college. We both transferred at the same time and were in the same classes for a bit. I called him once when someone was at the door of my apartment.” 

“He deeply cares about you. I’m glad you have a friend like that, but I can’t help but wonder how far his affections go–”

“San Lang, don’t be jealous.” He playfully nudges Hua Cheng with his foot. “He has a son now. And an ex-girlfriend he’s trying to convince to marry him so he’s not cut off from his family, apparently, but she’s not interested.”

Hua Cheng’s cheeks are a little pink. “I’m not jealous.” Xie Lian wonders if he even paid attention to the rest of his answer.

“Yes you are. I saw it on your face when you pulled up earlier. But it’s OK. You don’t have to worry about me having eyes for anyone else.”

Hua Cheng huffs, digging into his dinner again. He does seem delighted, though, but secretly, that Xie Lian told him that. Xie Lian shouldn’t indulge him so much. 

“My turn for a question.” Xie Lian sets down his box. “Who was your first love? I’d love to know about the person who caught San Lang’s eye as a reckless youth…”

With total solemnity, Hua Cheng replies, “I saw my first love at one of the very first races I attended. I was lovestruck with a Harley Davidson XR-750…”

“San Lang…”

“It’s true. Though I used to race with a restored KR-750, the XR was always in my heart. And then I found my cruiser…”

“I’m serious.” Xie Lian grips his hands, stopping him from ranting more about his bikes. 

Hua Cheng gently squeezes back. “There was no one before you.”

.

They finish the final corner of the room shortly before midnight. By then, Hua Cheng has covered the sofa with a sheet, found some pillows and a blanket in storage, and turned on a quiet film to fall asleep to. 

Xie Lian doesn’t want to sleep, but he can’t deny his exhaustion. He forgot his pills back at Hua Cheng’s house, so he already knows tonight is going to be a tough one for him. That’s why he takes his time with tying up the trash bags and dragging them to the garage door. He doesn’t dare open it. 

One step at a time. 

“One last question.” Hua Cheng suddenly says. “Since that’s the rules.”

“Shoot.” 

“Would you be willing to have a few conversations with a counselor if they knew sign language?”

It’s not the first time he’s been asked to seek counseling. It is , however, the first time a potential ASL-fluent counselor has been brought up, which seems like an impossible feat. 

“Do you know one?” Xie Lian replies.

“I called around. Eventually an organization pointed me in the right direction. There’s a man who practices in San Francisco who’d be willing to travel if you’re willing to talk to him.” 

He wants to say no. He knows anything he tells this shrink will go straight to the cops, who will then question him on it over and over again. But still, the potential of talking with someone who’s impartial to the situation and willing to respect patient confidentiality does sound appealing. As long as, of course, “Maybe one time. I would have to choose what we discuss. No questions from him.”

“That’s fair.”

Xie Lian’s stomach starts to churn when he considers the technicalities of it all, but he’s pulled from his thoughts when Hua Cheng touches his shoulder. “You don’t have to decide tonight. It’s just something to think about, OK?” 

“OK.”

“Let’s get some sleep.” 

The couch doesn’t recline and isn’t big enough for both of them to properly lie down on it, so they just sit side by side for a while. Hua Cheng says he’ll sleep on the floor if he has to, but he isn’t that tired. 

Xie Lian thinks of that first night Hua Cheng stayed over, when Xie Lian had seen his future captor for the first time at the raceway. He was scared and Hua Cheng was there for him. He made him feel safe. 

Even though he’s far from safe now, he craves that feeling again. So, he gently taps Hua Cheng’s leg, getting his attention. 

“What is it?” 

“Is it OK if I lay here?” He taps his leg again. “Just until I fall asleep. Then you can move if you want.”

“You know I won’t mind.”

And so, after a bit of adjusting and strategic placement of the coffee table for Hua Cheng’s legs, Xie Lian is laying on Hua Cheng’s chest, staring at the TV with eyes that are growing increasingly droopy, threatening sleep. 

He finally relents to sleep once Hua Cheng’s hand softly rests on his back. 

***

February 26th, 1990

They return to Hua Cheng’s house on Monday after spending the entirety of Sunday working on the cleanup. Hua Cheng had two cars to maintenance, and apparently a few vague errands to run. In the meantime, Xie Lian could theoretically shower, gather his few belongings (most importantly, the cash, as this clean-up project would prove to be quite expensive), and maybe — maybe — do one more interview with the police, if he’s feeling ambitious. 

They arrive just after seven and he still feels dead to the world, but not so much that he can't reach for Hua Cheng and squeeze his hand - twice- before he leaves for work. Xie Lian sinks onto the sofa, now rid of the nest he’d created, and sleeps until the sun is warm on his face. By then, Hua Cheng is gone. He’s probably sore from the awkward position he has to lay on the sofa back at Xie Lian’s family home. Xie Lian is too, but he’s not willing to set a single foot into his old bedroom, or his parents’ room for that matter. Hua Cheng has worked on the clean-up back there alone. 

He gazes up at the ceiling. They’ve spent a lot of uninterrupted time together this past weekend, asking questions back and forth. Safe ones. He can’t help but crave more of Hua Cheng’s time. Above all, to kiss him again with the same type of passion they found Saturday night...

But that’s unfair of him when Hua Cheng doesn’t know just who he’s doing all of this for.

The bell flashes, and Xie Lian watches the mailman walk back down the driveway towards his truck. He gets up, slowly, and decides to grab whatever package was delivered and bring it inside for Liu Yan. Wouldn’t want it getting stolen. 

There’s a box from some subscription tea service and yet another thick yellow envelope addressed to her. He picks that one up first. No return address. 

The handwriting though – that sends him dropping the envelope as though he was scalded and collapsing back against the doorframe as the contents inside scatter across the porch.

URGENT!! Reads the frantic handwriting on the back of the envelope. TIME SENSITIVE!!

But the photos are like printed nightmares.

Photos of a time he begged his mind to forget.

Photos of himself in compromising positions.

Written on one of them is the worst thing of all:

Do you really know the slut you're protecting? Is it worth it?

He can’t breathe. He feels as though his body is being pulled, not by gravity, but by some other sinister force, straight back into hell. 

You’re out, you’re out, his mind tries to remind him, you’re OK , you know the code, it’s 1690. 

The stamps for the envelope have the 49ers on them. 

During

February 26th, 1987

It’s very cold. The thin blanket wrapped tight around him isn’t nearly enough. Yet he didn’t want to use the little space heater — his first present for following the rules. He didn’t want to acknowledge anything that man brought here, be it clothes or necessities. He didn’t want to make this easy for him. 

But it’s so cold. He never realized how privileged he was to have radiators hearing every room back home. Or pajamas, for that matter. Now he does. 

His captor sleeps beside him, snug in a pair of long johns and of course, his signature mask. Xie Lian would remove it if he could, but at night his hands are cuffed in front of himself, attached to his thigh. It’s some weird sex toy, no doubt, but now it keeps him from lifting his hands higher than his waist. 

He longingly gazes at the space heater, wishing he could turn it on himself. But to do so would mean getting out of bed without waking his captor, and that’s unlikely. 

As expected, the man must’ve sensed he was awake. He snakes a heavy, strong arm around Xie Lian’s waist, pulling him away from the edge of the mattress he’d crept to in sleep. He pushes his fist against Xie Lian’s bare chest, seemingly as a warning not to move again. 

But… “I’m so cold,” he whispers, eyes fixed straight ahead. His captor murmurs a response, his voice rumbling against Xie Lian’s back. Then, he’s up, shuffling over to the space heater. But he does not turn it on. Instead, he reaches over to the little table where a pair of safety scissors are kept and holds them against the heater’s cord, ready to cut it in half. 

“No!” Xie Lian cries, springing up from the bed. 

His captor looks him up and down. “What? You think I give a fuck if you’re cold when you have such shitty behavior?” 

Xie Lian wants to cry. He shakes his head. 

“If you want the heat on, you have to earn it. You don’t make the rules around here, I do.”

“I- I know.” He squeezes his hands together. “I’ve done what you asked.”

“Have you?” He starts to laugh, slamming the scissors back on the table. “ Have you?” He’s yelling, but it makes no difference. Xie Lian was already shivering anyway. 

Xie Lian takes a step forward. “I have. Even last night, when you… raped–”
His throat is seized in an instant, and the man locks his raging eyes with his. “When I…” he twists his hand, bending Xie Lian’s neck, “what?” 

“Ngh…” He tries to reach up, but his cuffed hands stop him at the man’s waist. “It’s… true—”

“ WHAT’S TRUE ?!”

He probably says more. It’s hard to read lips when your neck is being throttled. 

He comes to on the bed, lying crumpled on his side. The man sits beside him, smoking a cigarette. He bends a bit to Xie Lian’s eye level. “If you were a woman, we’d be married. There’d be no talk of ‘rape’. But since I can’t marry you, you seem to think you’ve got some right to choose.”

Xie Lian’s vision swirls. He can’t respond, and his neck feels so swollen that he can hardly breathe. He’s alive still, somehow. He’s not sure if that’s supposed to mean something or not. 

But when the man grips the back of his knee and opens his legs, he realizes it means nothing at all. 

Through eyes squeezed firmly shut, he still picks up on the TV flicking on, a bright, cold light illuminating even his inner mind. He opens an eye. His captor is holding a TV remote. “Since we’re both up….. watch a movie.”

“Ngh…” He bites back a cry as his captor twists his leg the wrong way. 

“Sit back and enjoy the show.” He pushes Xie Lian’s head to the side, facing the TV. Then, he presses play. 

He sees his mother. He sees his captor. 

No. 

No no no no no no no no no no no no 

He frantically jerks upwards, begging for the cuffs to break so he can cover his eyes. Closing them is not nearly enough. 

The cuffs dig into his skin but he does not care. He thrashes, a fury like never before raging through him. This man will do everything but kill him. 

He will have to kill Xie Lian. There’s only so many more ways to hurt him, to break him down until there’s nothing left but the dust of his bones. 

I’ve been seeing her a lot longer than you may think – reads the caption on the horrible, horrible screen. All to get closer to you. 

Funny part is, she thought she was protecting you. 

What's she going to think when I show her who you are now?

His mother… 

He recognizes the room she is in. The decorations on the wall. In the far background is Xie Lian’s schoolbag… 

The one he had in his senior year of high school. He remembers picking it out at the store with his mom. A Jansport. 

He screams and he does not stop screaming.

***

Hua Cheng sits in some quiet cemetery in a town he does not know. He doesn't want to be here, but there's no other place to go to feel close to Xie Lian anymore. His body isn't here, but his name is. A tombstone with an empty plot beside his father's, still settling into the earth.

Two months ago, he died because he thought his son died. His wife tried to follow. Her reasons were different.

She said a great deal of things in those moments after Hua Cheng pried the rope from her grip. Confessions of infidelity, blackmail she was victim to for years, the secret wish that her son would never be born. He pinned her arms down and kept her close to him until help arrived. She was of similar build to her son. They used the same soap - a warm citrus. If he took out his hearing aid and closed his eyes, he could pretend he was holding him instead.

Naturally, Xie Lian's mother was hospitalized for a long time after her suicide attempt. She was not there for the funeral of her husband, and technically her son as well.

But Xie Lian is not dead. Even if the gravestone says 1962-1986, this does not make it so.

Hua Cheng sits on the gravestone. At his feet, he rests a newly developed photo he'd taken right before Xie Lian's first time at the raceway. They were in Hua Cheng's firebird and Xie Lian was sitting on the back of the seat. He'd never looked so beautiful.

And he'd never look so peaceful again.

Arms spread, as though he was already preparing to fly right away.

Hua Cheng blinks back tears, gently running a finger over the photo.

Then he freezes.

In the upper left corner of the photo, he notices a sliver of a vehicle that had been riding behind them.

He hadn't seen it at the time the photo was taken, or when he'd had the photo developed. But it's all he can see now.

A white van that appears... no, it is... missing its front license plate.

It looks just like the tagless van that passed him the night Xie Lian disappeared...

the night Hua Cheng, by leaving him, allowed to happen.

Chapter Text

Before

June 28th, 1980

It was a windy and quiet day in Fremont. Kids roamed the streets, playing hockey or rollerblading and skinning their knees, enjoying the early weeks of summer vacation before boredom set in. 

For him, it had already set in. He watches everyone, listless, from his van, slowly cruising through the neighborhoods. Observing. Waiting. For what, he isn’t sure. He won’t know until he sees it. 

It’s mostly small children out today. Teenagers must be flocking to the malls, the theaters, the roller rinks. The beach, if they’re old enough to drive. 

He hasn’t had a teenager in his car in years. While their youth once thrilled him, it now makes him feel older than he is. It’s a good thing he doesn’t see any today. Their carefree nature - no bills, no obligations, their faux innocence, the way the law protects them over anyone else - truly pisses him off. 

His first kill was a sixteen year old, two months after returning from a brief stint in Vietnam. He still thinks about that boy and how it felt to put a knife in his chest. Nothing like putting a bullet in their designated enemies over in Vietnam, of which he’d killed no one. Stupid fucking draft. Stupid fucking war. Stupid fucking government. 

And stupid fucking teenager for lying about his age, forging papers, and thinking he was some kind of hero for it. If he’d gone overseas, he would’ve died anyway. Probably in a much worse way. 

It’s the kids who think they can change the world that piss him off the most. Because they can’t and they just sound so stupid. So… upbeat . Because the world hasn’t beaten them down yet. 

And don’t even get him started on the entitlement… 

The point is, he hates teenagers. Half his victims were between the ages of sixteen and nineteen. The other half, some much older, some only a few years into college, never got that entitlement beaten out of them. 

Still, he can almost count his victims on one hand, which doesn’t make him a serial killer. He doesn’t enjoy killing, but he’ll do it when necessary. 

And because it’s summer and he’s hot and bored, he believes it is once again necessary. 

Plus, it’s been two years since his last. That’s a long time. 

He continues his cruise through the neighborhoods, simultaneously dismayed and overjoyed at the lack of teenagers present. 

That is, until he approaches a different street housing a school zone. Then he sees two of them. 

And he stops the van in disbelief. 

He  gazes upon one of them and is filled not with annoyance, but pure amazement – at his true beauty, innocence, and kindness. You could see it in his eyes. 

He’d had a few lovers in his day and never felt much beyond lust, and even that was fleeting. But when this young man walks towards him on the sidewalk, in his perfectly cropped shorts that accentuate his assets (a recent clothing trend he can get behind) and a nearly cropped white tank top, shoulder length hair pinned up atop his head, revealing his neck, it’s not just lust. He has to talk to him. 

He has to have him. 

No – that’s not enough, he has to… he needs to engulf him. Swallow him whole. Steal him away from this world and keep him this innocent, this perfect – for the rest of his life, and then some. 

The two turn left into a school driveway. He’s ready to speed up and run one over, grabbing the one he wants and turn an unpleasant day right around, when he reads the sign outside the school:

California School for the Deaf

He puts the van in park and blows out a breath. Fuck. It would’ve been so easy to sneak up on them. 

But this person, this beloved youth he’s after, has one tiny flaw, and now his interest is diminished. 

He speeds off, but he can’t get him out of his mind. It’s almost painful. 

He wants more of that feeling. 

.

Two days later, he gains entry to the school (never mind how) and sits on the floor of the school library, sifting through the school yearbooks until he can find the one he’s looking for. The class sizes are quite small, so this shouldn’t have been a daunting task, but he can’t find him. 

Did he imagine him? 

No, that’s ridiculous. He was real. He is real. Finally, he locates the most recent yearbook behind the librarian’s desk. 1979-1980.

And there he is among the junior class, the very last picture in the row with a soft, elegant smile and sweet, innocent doe eyes…

 Xie Lian…

He found his way into the records department. Being one of the two students to ever enroll with a surname beginning with ‘X’, he obviously isn’t hard to find. Xie Lian, since middle school, has had A’s in every subject. He was involved in baseball, fencing, and field hockey prior to tenth grade. Now, a rising senior and nearing his eighteenth birthday, he’s heavily involved with volunteer opportunities in the local community (how boring) and is slated for work release this fall, being employed at a small grocery store. He lives a mere four blocks from the school and walks there in lieu of taking the bus.

He writes everything down and leaves with a spring in his step. 

.

He watches from afar at first. That little stucco house with the lush garden and old station wagon in the driveway. The young boy stooped down on the porch, tying his formerly white shoes that have long since gone muddy. You’d think he’d take better care of his belongings. He slings a bag over his shoulder and jogs off down the street. He’s in very good shape - despite his slender figure, he is very strong. During his shifts at the market, he can lift fifty pound boxes over his head with ease. His boss tells him not to do that though. 

Once Xie Lian is completely out of sight, he approaches the house and rings the bell. He can see through the windows beside the door that they have installed just one flashing light to alert any deaf inhabitants of a visitor, but surely then at least one of his parents must be hearing. 

When a middle aged woman answers the door with those same amber eyes as her son and a polite smile, his plans shift a little. “Can I help you?” She asks, a trace of hesitation in her voice. 

He takes a moment to recollect himself before putting on the charm. “I’m so sorry to bother you, ma’am. I’m a representative from San Francisco University. Do you have a minute to talk about your son?” 

.

The house is pristine. This housewife, Xie Lian’s lovely mother, says she hardly tidies up due to how neat her husband and son are. She pours him a cup of tea. 

“So what do you do with your time, then?” He takes the cup, politely sipping at it. He’s not a fan of tea. 

“I work for a small marketing company in Oakland,” she replies, still standing. She isn’t sure whether to sit or not. “You’re a recruiter, right?” 

“Mn.” He sets down his cup. Too bad there aren’t any coasters for this glass coffee table… “That I am.”

“That’s odd… I didn’t think his school divulged students’ information to local universities like that. They’ve never mentioned doing so, and admittedly you’re the first to reach out. We’ve received nothing in the mail… and I’m not even sure my son wants to go to college.”

Liar, he thinks with a smile, you just don’t want him to leave. Fortunately, he’s a good liar too. “Most boys his age aren’t quite sure what they want to do. Rest assured, our university is committed to helping students recognize and surpass their perceived potential –”

She laughs. 

Unbelievably, she laughs. But there’s no warmth behind her eyes. “Sir, are you aware my son is deaf? Regardless of how intelligent he is, what university is going to accommodate him? Our own local schools and businesses won’t. Yet he still has this desire to help others – the very same people who mistreat him so terribly, who shun him from society. I think he’s wholly too good a person for any university, and the experience would only hurt him. He’s safest right here with us, chasing his dreams within our reach. That’s my stance on it. Are you – are you really a recruiter, or what are you actually here for?”

After

February 26th, 1990

Hua Cheng’s never quite sure what to expect when he comes home these days. It’s been less than two weeks since Xie Lian escaped, so part of his brain still struggles to remember he’s here. That probably explains the persistent feeling of dread in him; he just can’t mentally process that he’s here , and that things are going to be OK. 

Maybe it’s because he’s not sure of that last part. The man who did this is still out there. One of the detectives theorized he’ll stay gone now to avoid getting caught. Hua Cheng isn’t so sure. You don’t just keep a man captive in your basement for years and then take off. Xie Lian was an investment. 

The lights are all off in the house, but this is pretty normal. With his mother working in her office, she likes to save on electricity in the rest of the house and Xie Lian usually just sits in the front room on the couch, but he might’ve gone upstairs like before. 

He really hates leaving him here. Still, it’s unlikely Xie Lian would like to sit outside strangers’ homes while Hua Cheng does maintenance on cars for discount rates. 

On the third step, he smells a trace of smoke coming from upstairs. Then, he’s up the steps by two, pausing outside the bathroom door. It’s definitely coming from in there, but he can’t just knock. It’s not from a cigarette. Did someone leave the blowdryer plugged in for too long? 

It may seem pathetic, but he gets down onto the floor to peek under the door. He can see Xie Lian’s feet; he’s sitting on the side of the tub. OK, so he’s alive. 

Is he burning something…?

The lights flicker overhead and Hua Cheng scrambles into a sitting position. His mother is standing on the top step. “What are you doing? I smelled something burning.”

“So did I.” His cheeks pinken. “I just didn’t want to bother him. He’s OK.”

“Huh. Alright. I’m going to make lunch.”

And with that, she’s gone, and Hua Cheng is stuck in that awful, odd place again– unsure of where he stands with Xie Lian, and how to help him without overstepping. Something clatters against the floor and without thinking Hua Cheng twists the doorknob, barreling into the bathroom. 

Xie Lian is startled, but very much all right beside an empty tub. There’s a lighter in his hands that he quickly stuffs into his pocket. “San Lang…”

“I smelled smoke.”

“Ah. I’m sorry, everything’s fine.” Or so he signs, but judging by his face, everything is not fine. Hua Cheng sits on the side of the tub. Xie Lian leans against the sink. 

“I made eighty bucks today if that’s anything.”

“Hey, that’s awesome!” Xie Lian brightens considerably. “I bet you never made that much at your other job in a day after taxes.”

“Yeah, but I sure made it in a week. Can’t say the same these days.” He folds his arms. Xie Lian is staring quite intensely at him, his expression unreadable. Longing, anger, something in between, who knows. It’s pretty common for him these days. 

“Are you OK?”

Xie Lian looks surprised at his question, he understands that much. He straightens up, furrows his brow, and then crosses the length of the bathroom. “No, I’m not.” 

And somehow, he’s in Hua Cheng’s lap, and Hua Cheng’s hands are in his hair, and the world makes a little more sense but his heart flies out of control again. 

He thought Xie Lian’s recovery would be more linear – that it would be a long time before he’d be OK with physical contact, affection, or rekindling their romance. For the most part, this is true. And then there’s moments like this that seem out of both of their control where that timeline goes out the window. 

And this feels more intense than that moment the other night. This time, Xie Lian seems intent on getting something out of this. The way each kiss has his hips rolling. The way his tongue delves into Hua Cheng’s mouth right after. He’s chasing something – a feeling, a memory – and all Hua Cheng can do is follow him helplessly. 

That is, until Xie Lian reaches down and gropes him. He’s never done that before. 

Hua Cheng’s eye goes wide. “Wait.” He takes Xie Lian’s wrist with his free hand. “Do you want this?”

This question seems to enrage him. Xie Lian squeezes harder. 

Somewhere deep down, Hua Cheng wonders if this is all some method of distraction. He doesn’t dare ask. If Xie Lian wants this, that’s exactly what he’ll get until he doesn’t want him anymore. 

Watching Xie Lian’s reaction closely, he grabs his waist and deepens their kiss. He wishes he didn’t feel the way Xie Lian’s body momentarily tenses. He’s trying so hard to enjoy this, but there’s a persistent reminder within him, isn’t there? 

Their lips part and Hua Cheng starts to feel discomfort himself from sitting on the side of the tub like this for too long. “Do you want to take this to my room?”

“No.” Xie Lian replies at once. “No beds. This is fine.” The floor is still covered in pink carpet, so that’s where they move. A pointless, ugly design trend suddenly has a purpose. 

Xie Lian sinks back into Hua Cheng’s lap, but there’s limits to what he’ll allow. The moment he feels himself tip backwards, he swings an arm around to grip the tub, refusing to be pressed to the floor. Hua Cheng takes mental notes. He doesn’t want to be pinned. He doesn’t want to be on a bed. Fucking christ, he is going to kill that motherfucking demon who caused this if he ever sees him again — 

Xie Lian’s hands eventually travel up Hua Cheng’s shoulders, his neck, stopping in his hair. He pulls back again, dismay evident. “See? It’s too short. Grow it long again…”

“I’m not a chia pet,” Hua Cheng reminds him. “It takes time. Have some patience.”

Xie Lian rolls his eyes and kisses him again. It’s clear that patience isn’t in his vocabulary anymore. His hand wanders down Hua Cheng’s front again – it’s bold, it’s dangerous, and… it’s something he never would’ve done before. It doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, it’s just… something interesting for Hua Cheng to get used to. He’s been religiously celibate since November 12th, 1986, alright, and he’s only human. So he allows it, he’ll allow anything Xie Lian wants, and he watches Xie Lian unzip his jeans, both of them breathing erratically. It was clumsy the first time they tried this years ago, and now it’ll surely be no better. 

He can’t ignore the way Xie Lian’s hands tremble as he touches him, but he doesn’t stop him. He settles against Xie Lian’s neck and rests his hands on Xie Lian’s thighs. What can I do for you , he wonders, gently nipping at his shoulder. What’s off limits? Should I be doing this? Will this help you? 

“San Lang.” Xie Lian tips his chin up. “I know you’re overthinking this, but that’s my job. Please just stay with me right here. Don’t worry about me. I need to do this.”

Hua Cheng smiles, touching his cheek. It’s very warm. “Do you want to tell me what to do?” 

Xie Lian nods. “What… what we did, that first time. I want to do it again.” 

Under different circumstances, Hua Cheng might be amused at the premise of thigh fucking in his mother’s guest bathroom on an ugly pink carpet. But at this moment, all he can think of is how very much he’d like to finish what they started all those months ago. 

“Position us,” Hua Cheng tells him. “Where do you want to be?” 

Xie Lian swallows hard, then points to the sink. Specifically, the mirror above it. Oh. 

.

It isn’t a manic, jackrabbit event like before. Even without penetration, the rock of Hua Cheng’s hips and the sensation of him between his thighs like this — it’s the first time he’s felt any form of pleasure in years. And it’s only because he’s looking right at him the whole time. 

His lower body takes longer to react. 

Stop thinking about the pictures , Xie Lian orders himself, clenching his thighs, chasing more friction. You’re not going back there. Replace it, replace it, replace it. It feels good now. You want this. 

Yet when he looks down at his own member, it would seem his body just can’t get in touch with his brain. His eyes fill with stubborn, frustrated tears. What the fuck is wrong with me? 

He turns his head away from the mirror and looks up at Hua Cheng instead. It’s very important that he doesn’t stop on account of him. He has to replace these stupid memories. 

Xie Lian kisses him again. Hua Cheng cups his face with one hand. His other decides to be bold. 

He reaches down and gently envelops him — “ Ah !” 

There’s something he hasn’t had done to him yet. Hua Cheng’s hand is in sync with his hips and all Xie Lian can do is kiss him ‘til his neck is sore, and then he is forced to look down at his flushed body, pleased that it’s starting to respond, just a little. 

Every time Hua Cheng thrusts between his legs, he wishes that thrust was someplace else. It’s not fair that that man is the only one who’s been inside him. He can’t fucking stand the thought of it. And Xie Lian knows he’s not ready for it, but he needs a total replacement. That fact has to change. So he changes his mind. “San Lang..” He struggles to catch his breath, “Let’s go all the way… in your room….we can put a blanket on the floor.”

“Gege, I–”

“Please..” He rubs his open palm in a circle around Hua Cheng’s chest. “Please, San Lang.” Despite what he’s feeling inside, he looks very sure. Of course he’s not actually ready, but that awful statistic has to change. Those pictures arriving today just ripped the scab right off his fucking wound. It has to be today. It has to be now. 

“I can’t.” Hua Cheng kisses his hand. “I have nothing to prep you. I don’t want it to hurt.”

Xie Lian looks at him like he just said he killed someone. Eyes wide and furious, yet his hands soft against Hua Cheng’s chest. “You don’t… you don’t want it to hurt ?” he whispers sharply. “Why are you so good to me? Stop that…”

“I won’t.” Hua Cheng kisses him again. Xie Lian huffs, wrapping an arm around his neck. He uses his other to guide Hua Cheng’s fingers towards his entrance. 

“How about just this then?”

.

Hua Cheng left out the part where he’s never done this on another person. He’s far more nervous than he’s letting on, but the moment he makes contact with Xie Lian… something takes over. 

Partly because there’s an ugly, ugly thought in his head – that someone else has already taken this experience from Xie Lian, that it was never his choice. This drives him to please Xie Lian the best he can, while knowing well he can never make up for what was taken. 

He just knows he has to try his damned hardest to make this worthwhile. 

.

Xie Lian has been told that deaf people have loud sex. That’s why he’s glad Hua Cheng punched on his stereo and turned it up to its full volume. It’s even better how close the stereo is to the door, further drowning them out. 

He’s seated in Hua Cheng’s lap by the window, frantically lifting and lowering himself against Hua Cheng’s hand. And it feels good , and Hua Cheng’s lips against his feel even better, but it’s about midway through that all of that dissipates. 

He feels filthy and he can’t think of anything but the pictures. This is hopeless, isn’t it? No matter how much he wants this, his body refuses to enjoy it. So when Hua Cheng finishes, Xie Lian kisses him again and climbs off his lap. “I’m really hungry,” he lies. “Maybe we can do this again later?” he lies, again. 

***

March 1st, 1990

Today, they’re working yet again on the yard and getting it up to code. Hua Cheng dragged the old lawn mower up to the back porch and is currently tinkering with it and possibly bargaining with God to let it start up again, because the grass desperately needs mowing. 

Xie Lian is shoveling piles upon piles of trash – mostly cans, but also scraps Qi Rong had stolen or picked up to sell into a more organized pile by the back gate. The plan is to rent a dumpster once things are better organized. 

But he’s not thinking about renting dumpsters or how much work still needs to be done to make this place livable again. No, with each shovel, only one train of thought rings through his mind: 

He has pictures of me.

He has pictures of us. 

He’s sending them to people.

Even without him around, all I seem to be thinking about is sex. 

How bad I want it.

How bad I dread it. 

How OK I feel initially.

How horrible I feel after. 

He has pictures of me.

He has pictures of us…

Over and over again, as persistent as his shoveling. 

He still hasn’t told anyone. He doesn’t plan to. If Hua Cheng was curious about what he was burning, he never asked. They returned to Fremont that afternoon and made an attempt at shower sex, but that was hardly any more successful than whatever happened earlier. The three other times he initiated contact went no farther than the typical makeout session – which always has him eyeing the doorway, like his mother is going to walk in on them, like he’s a teenager again. Hua Cheng probably thinks he’s crazy. He’s going along with Xie Lian’s whims, but he’s confused all the way through. Because why the hell at a time like this would he be thinking about sex? Especially considering how repulsed he’s been by it for years?

Xie Lian isn’t completely sure himself beyond a desire to replace memories, to have some semblance of control over his body again. Even if it doesn’t always feel great after, even if it’s the last thing he should be doing right now, he finds it absolutely necessary. 

But anyway, the photos. Anyone would recommend turning in the photos as evidence to the police, but that would be over his dead body. How would half a dozen detectives, if not more, ogling his naked body while his captor hides his face behind the camera help his case? 

They already know what his handwriting looks like based on the receipts and other papers Mu Qing had gathered from the van years ago. 

No, absolutely no one needs to see those photos, even if there was a slight chance of it helping his case. 

And if he really only sent the photos to Hua Cheng’s mother, it was probably just to get at Xie Lian, meaning no one else received them. 

Or so he thought. 

A particular Firebird screeches to a stop at the side of the house. Xie Lian shrinks back as soon as he sees who it is and just about falls over when he sees what he’s holding. 

Hua Jian is here, holding a very similar yellow envelope to what his mother received. 

“No…” Xie Lian whispers as the man leaps over the fence. 

“What the fuck is this?!” his angered, raging lips read. But he’s not talking to his brother, who’s abruptly leapt up from the back porch. No, it takes until his hand is wrapped around Xie Lian’s neck for him to realize Hua Jian is talking to him . 

“You fucking knew about my wife ?” - Is all he catches before he slams against the ground. This wasn’t intentional on Hua Jian’s part, it’s just that his younger brother chose that moment to seize Xie Lian’s abandoned shovel, hold it upside down, and slam it into his brother’s shoulder blade. He takes the hit remarkably well, but he did drop everything he’d been holding. The contents of the envelope flutter out onto the ground, the bulk of them landing in Xie Lian’s lap, including the photos of this alleged wife. 

Xie Lian’s stomach lurches and he quickly flips over the photos. 

He knows everything.

He hasn’t been completely honest with himself or anyone else since escaping when he said he hasn’t been outside since November of 1986. 

In truth, he had gone out once. August 1989, just under six months prior to escaping. His captor decided to rid himself of him in a fit of rage, took him from the basement back into that van, and then… 

It was raining and there was some sort of minor fender bender on the road. He was bound and gagged in the back, so he couldn’t alert the other party. Turns out, he didn’t have to. His captor opened the back of the van and tossed in a mangled person – someone who he had hit by accident. She had been on a motorcycle.

She wasn’t much older than him, and still very much alive, but rapidly losing blood. His – now their – captor sped off, and the woman helped remove his gag. He urged her to take his shirt to form a tourniquet for her thigh, which she did. She asked his name, he shook his head. She told him hers – Yushi Huang, she said. She’d seen his picture in the papers. And that Hua Cheng would be so happy to know he’s OK. 

His memory blurs after that, but the photo in his hand indicates his captor had taken a photo of the two of them in the back of that van not long after, illuminating their fearful, bloody expressions. 

He wishes he could remember how she died, but he can’t. That night was about punishing him , not her. He probably gutted her and threw her off a steep ravine. Maybe it’s better, then, that he doesn’t remember. 

He eventually allows himself to look up. The brothers are still arguing, but at least it hasn’t escalated further. It doesn’t need to. 

“I didn’t know who she was,” Xie Lian informs them. “She wasn’t his only victim. There were so many others… I didn’t get the chance to remember them all. I was selfish.”

Hua Jian’s face softens – just a little. “Did you see where he put her? What he did to her? I’ve seen one of these pictures before, it was found on the side of the fucking road, but she was alone in it. How would I ever…” He turns away slightly while continuing to speak, glaring at the shed, then back to Xie Lian. “...to you? Everything leads back to you.”

He wishes it wasn’t true. That he’d have known the day he met Hua Cheng how much trouble and pain he’d cause for his entire family. But all he can do now is bow his head and apologize. “I’m sorry that I don’t know what happened to her. I wish I did, but I can’t help you. I can’t even… I can’t even help myself.”

So many victims. Those he told Xie Lian about, the photos he saw of their corpses, and the ones he killed and stored upstairs. Once, blood had seeped through the floor…

Unconsciously, he’d curled in on himself, leaning back against the pine tree he used to climb. Why didn’t his captor kill him? Was this just another punishment – letting him live after all the pain he’d caused? 

Did he… let him escape, just to torment him in a different way? 

He realizes that’s a strong possibility and hugs his knees. 

He was asked three times during one of his interviews why he chose now to escape. He told them, time and again, that the opportunity had arisen. Everyone wonders why he didn’t try harder sooner. Like maybe he was content with his living arrangements. And if they saw some of those awful photos, maybe they’d go a step further and wager that he actually enjoyed it. Because if he didn’t, why not fight more, fight harder ? Like they could ever begin to understand what it took for him to take the risk he did that morning. 

And hell, if he knew what escaping would entail – what the after would be like, maybe he would’ve been better off never reporting himself as found. He could’ve just wandered away, hitched a ride someplace different, and continued his life a different way. Incognito. 

At the very least, he wouldn’t be inconveniencing everyone around him on a daily basis. 

The brothers continue arguing with each other. They were close once. They bought that Firebird together, restored it together. Now they’re always at each other’s throats, and it’s all because of him. 

That man’s wife might still be alive if it weren’t for Xie Lian, too. 

He goes inside and camps out in the laundry room for the afternoon, feeling the satisfying, warm hum of the dryer against his shoulderblades. 

March 2nd, 1990

Hua Cheng’s brother stayed late yesterday, helping with the cleanup and the heavy lifting. Obviously his intentions were a bit skewed; he only helped to expedite the process of Xie Lian getting out of their hair, but it’s undeniable he did a lot. He told Xie Lian his wife was never found. At first, he thought she just up and left him, having suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her fifth. While both families approved of their union, it was only made because of her first pregnancy, which turned out to be twins. And they’d been miserable ever since. He was relieved when she left. 

That is, until she didn’t come back. Two days after she was reported missing, his bike was found on some backroad two hours from home, totaled. They assumed it was a hit and run gone bad, but after a sweep of the scene, the photograph, found on the side of the highway under a rock, painted a different picture. She was killed, surely, and then her body was taken by wild animals. 

Never in a million years would anyone have suspected her disappearance was connected to Xie Lian’s. 

Yet, Xie Lian asks him not to go to the police about it yet. He wants to get his house in order before the upcoming mental exhaustion of repeating the same series of answers again.  

This morning, Xie Lian woke with a jolt as always, taking ten very long minutes for his heart to go back to a normal pace. He studies the Care Bears on his t-shirt until he feels OK enough to sit up from the makeshift floor bed. Hua Cheng, as expected, is still asleep, his back to Xie Lian. After spending the day out in the sun, as chilly as it was, his skin had gone pink. Xie Lian gently presses a finger to his skin, confirming his sunburn. Hua Cheng works so hard. 

He’s a good man. 

As quick and careful as he can, he presses a kiss to Hua Cheng’s shoulder and then hurries out of the room, lest he’s caught. 

They’ve got the kitchen cleared, and though it’s still a bit dingy, it’s manageable. He wants to douse it in bleach, but for now the stovetop is clean and that’s all he really needs to cook. 

The lights flicker above him, and there’s Hua Cheng in the doorway, gazing at him with a sleepy smile. 

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“It was a good way to wake up.” He crosses the room, standing beside him at the stove. 

Summoning his courage, Xie Lian wraps an arm around his middle, pressing his head to Hua Cheng’s shoulder. He closes his eyes. 

Hesitantly, Hua Cheng touches Xie Lian’s lower back. He’s watching Xie Lian carefully, looking for any signs that he should back off. Instead, Xie Lian faces fully towards him and buries his face in Hua Cheng’s chest. And for the first time in too long, Hua Cheng properly embraces him. Not too tight, he reminds himself, while Xie Lian wishes he could tolerate him hugging tighter. For now, he focuses on breathing in his scent, reminding himself of who is holding him, that it’s OK. 

And maybe one day he won’t have to remind himself at all. Maybe it’ll just be OK again.

Hua Cheng taps his arm. Xie Lian looks up to see the lights flickering; someone’s at the door. 

“Want me to get it?” Hua Cheng asks. 

“I’ll go with you.”

Hua Cheng takes his hand.

Xie Lian can see a patrol car parked outside and lingers a bit behind Hua Cheng. It was only a matter of time before the cops caught up on his move and started pestering him with questions again. Or, worse, is that they too may have received an envelope…

But that’s not why they’re here. The world feels like it’s moving in slow motion when one of them tells him he needs to come down to look at a crime scene. A body was found in a white van that matched his description. They want him to try and identify it before it’s sent to the medical examiner.

.

I never saw his face. 

I never saw his face. 

I never saw his face. 

He must’ve told the detectives this a hundred times over the past two weeks. Yet today, they ask again. And after an hour’s drive into the hills – a thick, forested area – they ask him again . 

His fists are clenched at his sides as he glares at the police tape on the side of the road. The van must be down the hill somewhere. “I never saw it. Ever.”

Hua Cheng gets his attention and asks about his captor’s hands and feet and any inch of skin he may have shown. Did he have any scars? Did you see his ear lobes? Detached or attached? What about his hands? What were his fingers shaped like? His toes? Were any longer than the others? 

It looks like Hua Cheng is told to ask Xie Lian yet another question about his captor’s body, but judging by the way he reacts, it’s an incredibly awkward one. “I’m not asking him that!” 

Xie Lian tells the detectives his captor was smaller than average. 

.

It’s a treacherous descent, complete with ropes as a precaution. Xie Lian can’t even see where they're being taken. He just mentally goes over every detail he can about his captor. He had a scar on the top of his foot. That was Xie Lian’s doing. Attached earlobes, like that matters. A lot of people do. The most damning evidence, he supposes, is that he recalls him having a silver tooth on his back lower right molar. A lot of people have that, too. His own father had three. 

Once they’ve descended the steep ravine, they’re able to walk the additional quarter mile to the crime scene. It’s a good thing the crumpled mess that’s allegedly known as a white van hadn’t gone any further; there’s another cliff to tumble down just below, leading straight into a reservoir.  

A small tent has been pitched where the body surely lies and suddenly Xie Lian’s legs feel like jelly. He grips onto Hua Cheng’s hand and feels himself going faint. 

There’s every chance in the world that he’s about to see his captor again. “S-San Lang…”

“You don’t have to do this,” Hua Cheng tells him. 

“Yes he does,” the lead detective says, emerging from the tent. “But take your time.”

“Do you want some water?” Hua Cheng helps him to sit on a fallen tree. “I can go first, if that helps.”

“No, no.” Xie Lian clings to him even tighter. “Stay with me. Please.” 

“Of course.” 

Two minutes later, Xie Lian stands up, and with the support of Hua Cheng, makes the fifteen foot journey to the tent. 

He never thought much about this part, about what would happen to his captor after he escaped. Court proceedings would be terrifying and painful, for months or even years. Yet him dying gave him a way out – a chance to avoid repercussions for everything he’d done. He’d very much like the man dead, just not like this. 

The detectives suspect he’s been dead for over a week. His nose could tell him that; the smell nearly overtook him. The body was found outside of the van, and the driver’s door was open, as though he had crawled free after the crash.

There’s what’s left of the body on the ground, roped off exactly where he’d died. Animals had already ravished his middle, and anything remaining of his skin is a bright red – as though burned. His bones stick out awkwardly around his forearms, and his neck has an unnatural bend. He is of the same height and build as his captor, from what Xie Lian can tell. His feet look the same, but the skin seems to have already deteriorated; he can’t discern any scarring. He seems to have attached earlobes, but there’s hardly a face left, no eyes, and through a parted mouth, his teeth are starting to fall out. Half of his cheek had been ripped off in the accident, giving a perfect view of a silver tooth on his back lower right molar. 

“Oh god–” Xie Lian finally breaks, swaying uneasily before dropping onto a knee. His stomach constricts violently and black spots fill his vision. Was it always so cold in this tent? No, his body is hot, but his head is like ice. 

Hua Cheng crouches beside him, arm firmly around his waist. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” he keeps saying. His skin is incredibly cold. He has goosebumps. 

Xie Lian bites his lip to hold back a sob. Slowly, he reaches up and touches Hua Cheng’s cheek, fingers gently grazing over his eyepatch. “He’s the one that did this to you… to punish me. Because… because I told him I still loved you, and he wasn’t going to stop until you were dead – I had to escape— but now… now he’ll never pay for it–”

Hua Cheng takes his hand, giving it a squeeze. His one remaining eye does not have the tenderness of his words. He is afraid. “This… you’re sure this is the man who kept you in that basement?” 

Xie Lian spares another quick glance at the body before flinching, squeezing his eyes shut as he buries his face in Hua Cheng’s chest. He nods. Nearby, people are asking questions, speaking into walkies, even looking relieved, perhaps, that some of their jobs just got easier.

Hua Cheng embraces him, but he’s trembling more than Xie Lian is. Xie Lian can only look at him and nowhere else. He can’t look anywhere else. 

Hua Cheng brushes a tear from his cheek with a shaky hand. “We need to get you out of here right now.” He helps Xie Lian to his feet right after, and he can only follow helplessly as he’s pulled out of the tent. “What’s wrong? Why?”

He walks over to the van, staring at it for a very long time while still holding onto Xie Lian. 

“San Lang!” Xie Lian squeezes his arm. “Why?”

Eye fixed straight ahead, Hua Cheng resigns and says, “Because that’s not the man I saw in that house.”

During

February 27th, 1987

Shi Qingxuan hates being back on campus and thinks of the brochures for several other colleges up the coast resting in their bag. It’s just not the same here since Xie Lian died. Not only does it not feel as safe, but there’s an unwavering guilt in their heart every time they look at places the two used to hang out, knowing that things could’ve been different if Shi Qingxuan was a better, more attentive friend. 

This will be their last semester here. He Xuan’s even willing to move up the coast. He says he wants to become a fisherman. He’s so weird, but Shi Qingxuan loves that about him. 

There’s about 10 minutes until their next class, which leaves plenty of time to mope around outside in the quad. 

But then they spot a cluster of cops outside the humanities building. And if there’s one thing to know about Shi Qingxuan, it’s how incredibly nosy they are. 

Shi Qingxuan’s first bet is that somebody was busted with drugs, but upon sneaking closer, they’re actually talking to a few professors and even someone from the office of the president. The group is seated at a metal picnic table. It would probably be too disruptive to do this inside during classes.

“And when was the last time you spoke to Dr—” Shi Qingxuan counts the cops. Four. Not an obscene amount, so it’s not like they’re about to raid the school, but it’s still more than would be needed on a simple investigation. 

“As I’ve said, the last time our records show him clocking in was the first day of finals week last semester,” the woman replies. Shi Qingxuan thinks her name is Ling Wen? She was there at orientation their first semester. Seems overworked and tired, all the time. Who isn’t?  

“And what about you?” The cops nod at another man, Professor Jun, it looks like. He’s been pretty torn up about Xie Lian. He even helped with the initial search. 

“I work in the psychology department, so I don’t often cross paths with the health science faculty.”

True , Shi Qingxuan leans against the building. Why are they asking him?  

One of the cops slides a photograph across the table. “Do you recognize this photo?” 

Damn it! What are they looking at?! 

“Our university Christmas party,” Professor Jun offers, his smile a bit forced. “Admittedly, I drank too much that night, so I don’t remember very much of it. It’s good to know he was there that night, though.” 

“How about this one?” He’s passed another photo. Suddenly, Professor Jun doesn’t look so friendly. 

“Is this an interrogation? If it is, I’d like to consult a lawyer first. You having a photo of me conversing with a colleague at a company party means nothing, and I have a reputation to protect–”

CLACK !!!

Shi Qingxuan slowly lowers their head, heart thumping as their metal water bottle rolls around the corner. 

… Shit. 

Everyone’s looking. “Ahaha, damn it that was loud,” They laugh, rubbing their neck. “Save the turtles, though!” 

“How are you, Qingxuan?” Professor Jun nods at them. 

It feels 100 degrees. Shi Qingxuan’s suddenly very glad to have class in five minutes. “I’m alright! Just… heading to class. Busy, busy.” 

“I’m sure you are,” Professor Jun says kindly, turning back to the cops. “Qingxuan is one of our top students here and was a close friend of…”

***

He left Xie Lian alone for a day after what was said and done the night before. 

To give him time to cool down, of course. To change strategy. 

The house is quiet as always, and when he unlocks the basement door, he doesn’t hear a sound from downstairs – not a nervous shuffle, the sound of the washer running, nothing. 

He’s probably asleep, or at least pretending to be, sulked in that corner as always. 

He opens the door and expects to have to punish him again. 

He does not anticipate Xie Lian standing there, or getting hit in the face with the small television set he’d left downstairs. 

Fortunately, Xie Lian is weak from malnutrition, or else that might have actually killed him. 

Xie Lian makes it as far as the front door – silly boy – and once again, cannot pry it open or rack up enough fuss to get anybody’s attention. He’s gone fully feral in the three and a half months here. It’s nearly the final straw, honestly. 

At least it gives him an excuse to try out his new toy. With Xie Lian’s back turned, he jabs his stun gun into Xie Lian’s rib cage. There’s an efficient way to control him. To hurt him. 

He stands over Xie Lian, pressing a boot to his chest. “You’ll never get it, will you? You can’t escape this house . The front door is not going to open. You’d be better off jumping from a window I haven’t barred upstairs, not that I’d let you get that far.” 

“You fucking…” Xie Lian weakly reaches up, digging his nails into his captor’s ankle. 

“I fucked your mother? Yeah. Get over it. I had to do something while waiting for you. It took forever to gain her trust. She was stubborn, just like you.” He pushes down harder. “Do you want me to go see her again?” 

“Ngh… no… no!! Leave her alone!”

“I am. That’s why you’re here, and she’s not.”

Astonishingly, the tough facade falls. He cries. My god, he cries and it’s just so fucking beautiful. He turns onto his side and it’s like he’s a scolded child throwing a tantrum. 

His captor chuckles, climbing down onto the floor. He pulls Xie Lian into his arms and Xie Lian doesn’t fight anymore. “Stop fighting this, sweetheart. Your life could be so much better if you behaved. I’d be nicer. I’d get you everything you could need. Just let go.”

There’s no evidence he hears a word his captor says. But his captor continues to hold him, stroking his hair. “I’m gonna get you out of here one day when you’re good. Find us a forever home far from anyone else, live off the land, and I’d never have to leave again. That’s your future. Stop thinking it’ll be anything different, except maybe a shallow grave. Those are your choices and I know you’re truly afraid to die.”

Xie Lian turns his face into the floor. “Just… leave my mother alone.”

“No need to beg,” his captor croons. “I just want you, anyway. Now, let’s get you back downstairs. We’re going to have to cuff you again, dear. You almost hurt me, and you don’t want to do that.”

***

“What do you mean it isn’t evidence?!” 

A young man makes quite the ruckus at the police station – hardly breaking news. Yushi Huang returns to her work. She’s got thirty-seven police reports to Xerox before the end of the afternoon, and then four kids to pick up from her mom’s right after. Then there’s dinner to make, the garden to tend, military wives to ignore… 

“A person goes missing, you consider all the possibilities, right? Isn’t that your job ?” Wait a minute, she knows that voice. 

Shit, she knows that voice. She peers over her desk and sighs deeply. Her youngest brother-in-law, Hua Cheng. They hardly ever see each other, which is fine. He’s an OK kid. Her kids like him. 

The detective he’s arguing with glances her way, looking for help. Reluctantly, she rises to her feet. “A-Cheng, maybe I can help you over here?” 

Hua Cheng responds with a glare that is very much in-character. “Not unless you’re assigned to Xie Lian’s case.”

“Your missing friend, right?” 

“Dead friend,” the detective corrects her. He palms his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. “I’ll be back in ten. Get this guy out of here before I get back? I already said I can’t help him.”

The back door bangs shut and Hua Cheng stalks over to her desk. “They don’t know he’s dead, and I just brought them photographic evidence of the van linked to this case.”

“Oh? Can I see?” 

Despite his passionate nature, he seems hesitant to show her. After a quick glance around, he carefully sets the photo on the table. She’s taken aback; his friend was cute. It’s a surprisingly intimate photo, which leads her to wonder about the true nature of their relationship, but she won’t ask. 

“There,” he points to the corner of the photo, where sure enough, a white van can be seen in the background. It’s a bit hard to identify, though. “Give or take a year, I believe that’s a 1978 Dodge Ram. It’s missing the front license plate. And there’s a small dent in the lower right fender–”

“You must’ve used a magnifying glass to figure that out–” Yushi Huang comments, a trace of fondness in her voice. The entire family should quit their day jobs and run their own car business. 

“I did. And I thought the detective leading his case would care about this information, but he’s never given a shit. Could you see if there’s anything in your records about a van matching that description? Maybe we could find the owner–” 

“A needle in the haystack. It’d be easy if it had plates, even a few numbers on it, but this…” She watches his face fall. “I’m sorry, really. If there’s anything tangible I can do though… I’ll help.”

He nods, head down. Now she really wants to help him. 

“Why don’t you ask around at local mechanics? Maybe they’ve serviced a van matching that description and can point you in the right direction. They might not tell just anyone, but considering where you work, you can just… tell them it’s a current client.” A bit unethical, but… 

Hua Cheng looks up at her. “It’s worth a shot, but—”

“If that doesn’t work,” she continues, “you could use my name. Leave them my number. I’ll vouch for you.” 

That could cost her this job, sure. But there’s too many young people missing out there, especially of color, that no one is looking for. If her bending the rules helps bring one home, so be it. 

So be it. 

Chapter Text

After

March 3rd, 1990

Despite the wind and rumble of the motorcycle and the occasional jolt from hitting one of the many potholes on the road, Xie Lian can barely keep his eyes open. 

They were up through the night at the police station, once again being questioned thoroughly. This time, they were separated. After weeks of stumbling through interviews, an interpreter was finally available. He was an older man with an unkind gaze, but he worked efficiently enough. Almost immediately,  they started drilling Xie Lian on the specifics of how he escaped, when exactly the last time he saw his captor was, what sort of schedule he followed, any information he revealed about his life… there was plenty more, but his head was spinning too much to remember. 

As soon as they saw the body, Hua Cheng insisted on leaving the area straight away. He’d never looked so scared in all the time Xie Lian had known him, so he agreed to consider it. He was adamant that the dead man – who physically matched Xie Lian’s description, was not the one he’d encountered on two separate occasions, in late 1987 and late 1989. It was, however, the same van. The letters Xie Lian had carved out in the back were still there. 

Six hours into the interviews, Xie Lian admits an envelope full of photos was sent to Hua Cheng’s mother, delivered just the other day. He burned all but one of them –  and naturally, he receives quite the lecture for this – but slides the remaining photo across the table. His captor’s bare foot is visible, showing the scar on it. The photo is taken at an awkward position and they ask what he was doing in it. 

That’s when Xie Lian broke down and refused to answer. 

After hours of this back and forth, three separate detectives told him the same thing: 

Despite how it may have looked, they’ve been watching Xie Lian closely since he was released from the hospital. Not once has any suspicious person approached either house he’s stayed at. No one reported sightings of the van. 

Their theory is that the man, his captor, did indeed send out a few letters, right around the time he was involved in the wreck that took his life. As for who Hua Cheng claims to have seen in the house, abandoned houses are notorious for squatters. Hua Cheng was desperate to find the person responsible for Xie Lian’s disappearance, and of course jumped to conclusions when he saw a similar van and a person entering the house he suspected Xie Lian was taken to. 

Further, the owner of the house – a middle aged man who’d inherited it from his father – had visited a few times to assess the damage. He lives in Florida and hasn’t returned any calls. 

“So, odds are,” the lead detective tells him at four in the morning, “you’re safe now. We’ll keep an eye on things for another week or so, but your job is to start working on putting your life back together again. Speak to a counselor. Get out of the house more, enjoy nature, you know? What happened is over. It’s finished.”

He wanted so badly to believe them. After all, the body really did seem to be his captor’s. The van was his. Maybe it really was over. 

“Oh, and last thing,” he’s told as he finally is allowed to leave. “Tell that friend of yours to relax a bit, too.”

Xie Lian doesn’t feel like correcting them – Hua Cheng isn’t just his friend. 

Or is he? 

Sure, they’ve been fooling around a lot of late, and sure, they both are still crazy for each other, but… it’s been three years since they were officially dating. They can’t say they’ve been dating for three years. And if they’re dating again now, when did they officially resume? Why is he overthinking this so much?

Probably because he’s running on zero sleep and can’t keep a horrific corpse out of his head and is begging himself for a distraction – who knows? 

By sunrise, he squeezes Hua Cheng’s arm tight and tells him he can’t go on any further or he’ll fall off the bike. Hua Cheng agrees to stop off for coffee; they only have another hour until they get back to Fremont.

The city will be coming to check on his parents’ house in Fremont on Monday, just two days out, and they’re close to finishing the outside repairs. His parents’ room and the garage haven't been touched. Today, hopefully after a quick nap, he’s going to finish scrubbing the bathroom tiles and then disinfect it all over again. 

Once they’re both off the bike, Hua Cheng takes his hand and tells him, “I don’t care what the cops say. And maybe that trash stays gone forever, I don’t care. But I know what I saw.”

***

March 30th, 1990

Today is a big day and not just because his horoscope says so. Today, six weeks after escaping, he is finally scheduled for his first counseling appointment. The counselor, fluent in ASL, has even agreed to come to him for the first three sessions at no extra cost. They will be using the living room for the session. Xie Lian vacuums the carpet again. 

They bought a new sofa and carpeting for the living room. Beyond the lingering smell from years covered in garbage, there were just too many memories attached to it. The new carpet is white, an upgrade from the dingy off-red he’d scrubbed to no avail. The sofa is a soft blue. His mother’s was floral. 

He’s yet to hear from his mother. Or his aunt. Qi Rong told him to fuck off when he asked for an update. 

The vacuum light goes off, and he turns around to see if it’s unplugged. Instead, he finds Hua Cheng, who snakes his arms around him from behind, planting a kiss on his neck. 

“Ah–”

“It’s clean. Your electric bill is going to skyrocket,” Hua Cheng tells him. 

“San Lang.” Xie Lian turns around. “You’re supposed to be studying.”

“I got bored.” 

Today isn’t just a big day because of Xie Lian’s appointment; after a lengthy postponement, Hua Cheng will be taking his math and language arts tests for his GED today. He’s good at math, but he’s afraid his handwriting in the writing portion will sink him. 

Xie Lian didn’t know he was working towards his GED until two weeks ago. He didn’t want it to get in the way of what Xie Lian was going through, and above that, he was afraid that having a diploma would mean nothing if he couldn’t get hired or attend college due to his record. But after the more recent charges were dropped, he decided to give it a try. 

Xie Lian knows his long term goal is Gallaudet, but he doesn’t say anything because he knows Hua Cheng doesn’t want to leave him, or worse, remind Xie Lian that he should have a degree already and doesn’t. 

So Hua Cheng says he’ll try community college, but Xie Lian saw the application materials for Gallaudet buried in his top drawer, crumpled up after months of abandonment. 

Xie Lian would also like to go to Gallaudet, but he can’t see that happening anytime soon. And when he is ready, he’ll be too old. Already, most students are between five and ten years younger than him. 

But anyway… “San Lang, what time are you leaving?” 

“When your counselor gets here. Then Mom will be over later for lunch, so you won’t be alone for long.”

“She’s bringing over a photobook,” Xie Lian tells him, “I’ve been promised tons of embarrassing baby photos of you.”

Hua Cheng winces, and Xie Lian wraps his arms around him. “Have a good day, San Lang. Good luck.”

.

“It rained last week.” Xie Lian sits, knees tucked to his chest, on the edge of the couch. His new counselor, a recent college graduate by the name of Yin Yu, holds a puzzle piece and kneels on the floor by the coffee table. They’re putting together a lighthouse. 

“I saw that on the forecast. Did you enjoy it?”

“I wanted to go out in the rain,” he replies. “It's been so long since I’ve felt the rain. But it stopped before I went out. I missed it.”

“I see.”

“Where I was… before… sometimes rain would hit the window. The room would get musty and cold. But it was a change of scenery. I looked forward to those days. Now there’s… not much to look forward to at all.”

Yin Yu nods. “You got out. That’s the part everyone’s happy about. But what does that mean for you?”

“I don’t know. I wish someone could tell me. When I was there, I thought of all these things I’d like to do. But now that I’m out, all I can do is work on this house, distract myself with TV or Hua Cheng, but nothing really productive. I just want to sleep all the time, but I can’t.”

“I think that’s fair. Your body has been on edge for three years. Maybe it still is now, maybe it hasn’t realized that you’re in a safe place. It takes time. Until then, it’s also OK to take small steps. If there’s something you wanted to do before you got out that you might feel safe doing now, that’s a good first step. Even if it’s just walking to the mailbox and back by yourself, that’s progress.”

He scoffs, offering a wry smile. “I can do that already.”

“It was an extreme example, I apologize. What else can you think of?”

“A friend of mine is coming to town tomorrow. I’m not sure about seeing them. I’m afraid to. We left things off badly. And… I haven’t had any guests over yet. I’m not sure I’m ready for people in my house. This place… or rather, this room and the kitchen, they feel safe for me.”

Yin Yu looks around. “Your bedroom?”

“Not yet.”

“The garage?”

“My dad’s in there.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a tomb.”

.

He was cremated not long after his death. Nobody could bear to look at the urn, so it was placed in the garage. The one time Xie Lian summoned the courage to peek inside while Hua Cheng was cleaning up, he caught a sliver of the golden thing on a work table and got sick right there on the mudroom floor. 

His dad, a man who he never quite understood. A man who never quite understood him. Now, there’d never be a chance to make things right. 

The worst part of it is, even if he was alive, Xie Lian’s not sure he’d want to.

.

“What about a neutral place? Like a park if the weather’s nice? You could cook out. The fresh air would be good for you.”

“I know I need to see them, but the truth is, I don’t care to see anyone. I want to… I need to–” Xie Lian can’t seem to find the words to convey just what it is he’s feeling. He’s experiencing this more and more these days. He smacks a hand on his leg, turning his head to look out the window. Whatever, this is pointless. Nobody would understand that a person imprisoned in a basement for three years wouldn’t want to be around people all the time. And as much as he needs Hua Cheng on the property to feel safe, sometimes he doesn’t even want to see him – although those times are rare. 

Sometimes he just wants to curl up in the hall closet – someplace small, secure, where no one can see him or find him, and stay there. And sleep, maybe. 

Sometimes he does. 

How many nights does he lie there on the bed they made on the floor, his head resting on Hua Cheng’s chest, staring bleary eyed at the TV, begging for sleep? Not being able to find a comfortable position because he’s on the floor, and also, he needs to be able to see Hua Cheng at all times, or he’ll remember someone else? Hua Cheng can turn away from him, but Xie Lian can’t. 

Xie Lian offers a weak explanation for his frustration without looking at Yin Yu. He says he’s out of sorts because of how tired he is, but he can only sleep out here. Yin Yu moves to the reclining chair, offering a response: 

“What would happen if you slept in your room? Or in another house, but on a bed?”

He huffs. “It’s stupid because I slept on the floor where I was before. But it’s the mattress that’s the problem. I can’t get over it. The feeling of the mattress below me. The springs. It’s stupid, I know.”

“What about an air mattress?” 

“A what?” 

“Sorry, that’s ‘a-i-r m-a-t-t-r-e-s-s. They make pretty big air mattresses these days, fairly comfortable too. It’s a different material than regular mattresses – maybe that would be a good start?”

It does sound like a good start, but it sounds absolutely ridiculous to have to consider in the first place. “You must think I’m pathetic.”

“I had aversions to certain materials as a kid, due to trauma. I didn’t understand it then. I do now. I had to adjust until I could overcome it.”

“I don’t know how I’m ever going to overcome it, but I know I have to.” With a hint of pink to his cheeks, he lowers his head and adds, “Do you know how inconvenient sex is when beds are off limits?”

Yin Yu smiles at him. “I’m sure you improvise. You can shut this down, but, how has intimacy been since you got out? Has that been challenging?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it, but yes, it is. We haven’t done everything, but I have to do what I can, even in those challenging moments.”

“Why is that?”

“Oh, look at that.” He nods at the big grandfather clock at the corner of the room. “Our hour’s up.”

***

“He doesn’t want us to come over?” 

Shi Qingxuan’s flight got in at two in the morning. Even now, ten entire hours later, they still feel positively drained.  Shi Qingxuan pulls their hair up into a horrible looking bun and rubs at their eyes. Feng Xin let them and He Xuan stay over. He’s got a fussy toddler on his knee. The toddler is flicking through the TV channels in search of “Goger”-- Feng Xin explains it’s a butchered name of a Sesame Street character. The blue one. 

“Something about the house not being ready for guests.” Feng Xin shrugs. “Plus with you, me, your boyfriend, and apparently even Mu Qing–”

“He’s coming?! I haven’t seen him since he fell off the face of the earth.”

“All the way from Chicago, yeah.” He bounces the toddler a bit. “Point is, all of us going into the house could be overwhelming for him. He’s really only been around that Hua Cheng guy since he got out.”

Shi Qingxuan shrugs weakly. “I guess. But is the beach with all those people really any better?”

“We’re going to a spot that’s a bit… off the map.”

“Ooh… are we trespassing?” 

“Only until we get to the beach. Nobody owns the beach.”

“I think it is a good starting point,” He Xuan chimes in, returning from the balcony after a smoke break. “Keep in mind, Qingxuan, how much he’s been through. And how little he’s been around others over the past three years. Plus, you can be a lot at once.”

Shi Qingxuan smacks his arm. “I’ve been told I’m charming.”

“Anyway.” Feng Xin sets the toddler on the floor, who crawls straight up to the TV, smacking the glass in excitement. “We also have to consider that a lot has changed in the outside world. We’ve all changed, the world has too.”

“But I don’t think we should walk on eggshells around him,” Shi Qingxuan says, “He might take that badly. I remember how much he hated being treated like some kind of victim. I think we should be as casual as we can.”

“And I think,” He Xuan concludes, “we should let Xie Lian decide.”

.

They have to trek through about a quarter mile of forest to get to the little secret beach. Nobody owns the woods except the state, maybe, or someone who doesn’t tend to the land. Xie Lian still holds Hua Cheng’s hand tight all the walk through. 

Luckily, they got here first.

“How do you know this place, San Lang?”

“My brother used to go to parties here in high school. One time he had to watch me and dragged me along. I’ve come back a few times since. Nobody’s ever here this time of year.”

That much is true. When they finally make it through the trees, they approach a clearing; a mixture of beach and rocky cliff. There’s a makeshift fire pit and plenty of beer bottles in it. 

His stomach feels as churny as the water lapping against the rocks. How long does he have to stay here? What will everyone look like when they see him? He won’t be able to take the pity, the awkwardness. He might need to jump into the water. 

Better yet, just close his eyes. He won’t know what anyone is saying, and he won’t have to know what they’re thinking based on their expressions. And maybe he can convince—

Hua Cheng touches his arm. Unfortunately, a group of people – those he might have once called friends – are approaching. He genuinely feels ready to pass out and forces himself to take a steadying breath. He tries to smile, he tries to wave. His hand goes about halfway up, and then he sees Shi Qingxuan, who stops in their tracks. They’ve changed. And neither have forgotten the way their friendship was left off. 

Xie Lian anticipated Shi Qingxuan crying. He did not, however, imagine himself bursting into tears. His best friend from college is here. Everything’s so different. Nothing’s ever going to be the same. He doesn’t feel anything. What’s the point of —

“Oh, I’ve missed you–” They are face to face with him, mascara streaming down their cheeks. They reach out, but pause. “Is it OK if I… uh, can I hug you?” 

He lets them because they need it. 

And maybe he needs it too. 

.

He doesn’t participate in much conversation. He’s updated on how everyone’s been, and no one’s brave enough to ask him what he’s been up to. Hua Cheng tells them about the work they’ve done on the house and the various trinkets they’ve found while working, one of which being a portable computer, from some company called Apple. It’s super heavy and neither are quite sure how to use it, but apparently they’re super expensive, meaning his cousin likely stole it. 

Feng Xin tells him he should sell it. A portable computer won’t take off, especially with how heavy it is. 

Eventually, Xie Lian helps himself to a drink. He never was keen on alcohol, but lately he’s craving anything to help offset the clusterfuck of emotions he’s dealing with on the daily. 

Then, he has another. Apparently, he’s a lightweight because he’s already really tired. Or maybe it’s the lulling of the waves, the soft breeze, the gentle campfire, and Hua Cheng’s arm around him? He finds his eyes drooping shut and doesn’t bother fighting it. They’re on the edge of the world out here, and no one can hurt him. Even if they tried, Hua Cheng wouldn’t let them anyway. He’s safe here. He can sleep. 

Once his eyes have been shut for a while, Shi Qingxuan gets Hua Cheng’s attention and asks, “How has he been, really?” 

Hua Cheng gently strokes Xie Lian’s cheek, brushing the hair from his face. “He’s getting by. I feel pretty useless, though.”

“Well, you offer him that, so I’m not so sure you’re useless,” Mu Qing says. He’s been fairly quiet tonight, mostly observing everyone, same as Xie Lian. 

“What do you mean?” Shi Qingxuan asks. 

“He means…” Hua Cheng looks down at Xie Lian. “That he’s finally asleep. He really struggles with that.”

“So you must make him feel safe enough right now to let his guard down,” Feng Xin adds. “That’s great. I’m glad he has you.”

Hua Cheng doesn’t respond. He doesn’t seem able to look away from the all-too-rare sight of Xie Lian sleeping so peacefully. And yet, selfishly, he bends down and presses a kiss to his forehead. 

***

When Xie Lian wakes up, it’s dark. 

He thought they’d leave by now, but everyone is still deep in conversation, Hua Cheng included. Shi Qingxuan is roasting marshmallows and just about everyone is drinking, though Xie Lian can't remember who brought the drinks anymore. His head feels a but foggy still. It’s been a long time since he’s slept so hard. And he’d take advantage of this and sleep for even longer if it weren’t for the pressure in his bladder. Ugh, functioning as a human is the worst. 

Reluctantly, he rises to his feet. Hua Cheng looks up at him fondly. “Where are you going? You were keeping me warm.”

He’s thankful to sign his answer. “I have to pee.”

Unfortunately, it looks like Shi Qingxuan’s been doing some studying since they last met up and knows exactly what he’s talking about. “Go in the water!”

“...It’s too cold…”
Hua Cheng grins. “Go in the treeline. I’ll go with you.”

“Thanks, San Lang.”
“Bring this with you—“ Mu Qing tosses him a sheathed pocket knife. “In case there’s any animals out there.”

Xie Lian and Mu Qing haven't spoken yet. They weren't the closest before, but everything that happened after makes this even more awkward. Mu Qing's the one that reported the van. He saw the conditions Xie Lian was in - that makes him the only one, which makes Xie Lian want to close himself off to Mu Qing completely. Plus, he's been staring a lot this evening. Xie Lian hates that. He has too much to hide right now. “Thanks.”

“I have one too.” Hua Cheng pats his side. “But it’s one that could actually kill an animal, nothing like that little thing.”

.

It’s so dark that they can’t talk to each other. Hua Cheng has a little flashlight that he keeps shining at all the trees, probably to make sure there are no monsters  waiting to pounce.

When Xie Lian is done, he takes the flashlight and points it toward a tree stump, taking Hua Cheng’s hand. “They don’t need us back so soon,” he says.

Hua Cheng squeezes his hand in response.

It was sad seeing everyone again. It was nice for a few minutes, but after that he was filled with a great sorrow. Everyone’s so different. Only Hua Cheng hasn’t changed.

Shi Qingxuan lives on the water in some fishing village, not in Seattle like he’d previously heard, with their boyfriend and works a decently paying marketing job. Their brother is less than happy with these life choices and doesn’t trust He Xuan, but who cares what Shi Wudu thinks anyway. 

Feng Xin works security at a TV studio and has a whole kid now. Mu Qing apparently has a fancy white collar job for a household cleaner brand after inventing a more efficient disinfectant.

And then there’s Xie Lian, older than all of them by at least a year or two, with no degree and no future prospects. Three years were taken from him, but it might as well have been his whole life.

Hua Cheng breaks their kiss, stroking his hair. “What’s wrong?” 
“I think I’m living in denial,” he replies, pulling Hua Cheng in again. They’ll talk about it later.

They probably won’t.

He can’t keep doing this. He knows that. But how does he stop? When he stops, he’ll have no choice but to face the disgusting truth: there’s nothing left of him.

That’s what he told the counselor earlier in his session. He’s a shell. He doesn’t even remember who he was before he was taken. Whatever interests he had then don’t seem to matter now.

Hua Cheng is still looking at him. He’s too good. He wants to help, wants to fix him, but he can’t. And it fucking sucks. 

Xie Lian just hugs him so he won’t have to see his sweet expression. It’ll hurt less. “I want you,” he whispers, “and no one else. I just need you to survive with me. I wish it was always just us.”

Hua Cheng slides a hand up his back, gently rubbing circles between his shoulder blades. He knows.

 Xie Lian buries his face in Hua Cheng’s shoulder and closes his eyes. 

And then Hua Cheng jerks unnaturally against him, as though shoved. Except when Xie Lian looks up, it’s not Hua Cheng’s face he sees, but a white mask speckled with blood. 

He wants to scream, but it’s caught in his throat. He cannot move anything but his head, which tilts down slowly. He can’t see much, but he can feel something wet coming from Hua Cheng’s stomach. He knows if he lifts his hand he’ll see blood. 

Then, he’s forced to move. Hua Cheng summons the strength to push Xie Lian off of him, turning towards the masked man. Because Hua Cheng too has a knife. But before he can act, the masked man rams something into Hua Cheng’s stomach again, twice, three times, and kicks him to the ground. 

Nightmare. This has to be a nightmare. 

The clouds above move away from the moon, illuminating Hua Cheng’s strained face. He’s rolled onto his side, clasping his middle. Whatever he’s saying is urgent. His free hand desperately gestures at the beach as the masked man stands over him. 

Xie Lian does run, but not towards the beach. He has to save Hua Cheng. He has to, he has to, he has to. 

Yet his body moves by itself. He takes that little knife Mu Qing gave him, unsheathes it, and he thinks he screams, but he’s not sure. 

The man turns around, seizing the knife before Xie Lian can use it. He twists his wrist around and it drops to the dirt. He takes a step towards Xie Lian, who stumbles backwards. 

The man waves, then blows a kiss. 

And then he grabs Xie Lian’s arm and starts to drag him into the woods. 

Xie Lian digs his heels into the ground. “N-No! No! I’m not going back! I’M NOT GOING BACK WITH YOU!! I WON’T GO BACK! I WON’T! I WON’T!! San Lang!! San Lang, please!” It’s selfish of him to call for him like that, especially when Hua Cheng isn’t moving anymore. Xie Lian should be able to escape on his own, just like before. But he can’t. Save for his heels dug firmly into the dirt below, he’s paralyzed with fear, because… because… “You’re… you’re dead! You’re supposed to be dead!! You’re supposed to be dead!” Finally, he regains feeling in his hands, desperately jerking until one of them is free. He shoves the man’s chest before he’s seized again and immobilized. “You’re dead!!” he insists. 

But the masked man shakes his head. He picks up his knife from the ground, stained in Hua Cheng’s blood. He wipes it off on Xie Lian’s face, twisting the knife a curved motion, as though painting a picture. A smile, perhaps. Then, he slides the clean knife into its sheath again. Then, he does something almost more shocking than anything else. 

“Not me…” He signs, “but he’s dead.” 

He points right at Hua Cheng. 

Xie Lian shakes his head, over and over again. “No, he’s not. No, he’s not, no, he’s not, he’s not!! Why can’t you just leave him alone?! Why can’t you just—”

There’s light coming from behind them. Flashlights, a group of them. Xie Lian uses every fiber of his being to free himself from the man’s grip, kneeing him in the groin as he does. 

He expects to be grabbed again. 

Instead, the man puts two fingers to his eyes, then points them back at Xie Lian, as if to say, I’ll be watching you. 

And then he’s gone as suddenly as he’d come. He doesn’t have time to go after him, not when Hua Cheng…

The man in question is struggling to his knees, holding his side. He probably wants to go after him more than Xie Lian does. 

“S-San Lang!” Xie Lian drops to his side, taking his arm between his trembling hands. “Don’t move, don’t go anywhere–”

He can’t. His knees are as far as he goes before dropping to the ground again. 

The clouds have completely parted from the sky, illuminating the trees around them. It turned out there were monsters in the woods after all. 

During

July 14th, 1987

The world is ringing and buzzing like it's encased in a bell.

It does not occur to him that it may be due to his hearing aid being halfway across the room.

No, surely it's the fault of the disgusting fucking trash below him, and for that, he deserves another punch. And because his knuckles sting from the blow, he'll get another one. This fucker. This motherfucker -

It began with a nervous looking academic-type stepping in, asking if someone could quickly help him change a flat; it happened just at the end of the road and he'd pushed the vehicle here. They don't really do those types of repairs, but the man was insistent. Urgent. He said he had somewhere to be. Nerd convention, perhaps.

Hua Cheng didn't hear him come in. He did hear the complaints of his coworkers for having to go back out into the sun to help this guy. There's no AC in here and the fans barely help them through the day, but at least it's out of direct sunlight.

He was welding the side of a rustbucket of a car, a 1947 mint green Cadillac, when the vehicle was pushed up the driveway, stopped short of the garage door.

A boring Honda Civic. They don't service those things here, but the guy had money. After a quick look over, it would turn out the tire was fine, it was the sway bar causing issues. His manager told the academic he couldn't safely drive this car, that it needed to be fixed right away. The academic looked ready to burst. He really had somewhere to be. He started talking money, throwing out numbers in the hundreds, anything to get this fixed.

Hua Cheng stood against the wall, studying the vehicle. Boring and incredibly tidy, with one thing amiss - license plates. "Where's your plates, anyway?" He calls out.

Sweat glistens from the academic's forehead. He stuffs his hands in his pockets. "That's exactly why I'm in a hurry. Some punk stole them right off my car, so I'm headed to the police station. I've... I've got my registration and everything in the glovebox, here." He opens the passenger door and pulls a stack of papers out of the glovebox. His hands shake, just slightly, as he hurriedly sifts through. "I'm suck a packrat, you know. Keeping every little receipt, every maintenance record..." Due to his shaky effort, one of the papers falls out of the pile, halfway under the car. "Drat. Sorry about that. You can imagine, I'm a bit shaken up from the ordeal, it really just happened."

"I've got it." Hua Cheng stoops down, reaching under. The academic had pressed down on the paper with his foot, attempting to grab it himself. "Here's your registration," Hua Cheng says. It looks like it, anyway. But one set of words on the page jumped out at him, changing everything. Rerouting his whole fucking world.

1978 Dodge Ram - White

Hua Cheng looked up at the man. For the briefest of moments, a knowing look crosses his gaze. Then, inexplicably, a smile.

Something overtook him then. Every ounce of pain, frustration, anger, that's what did it. He tackled that man to the ground, and his fists took care of the rest. He couldn't stop. You took him from me, you took him from me - a pained, furious chant from within him nearly escaped his lips.

For this was the man that took Xie Lian. With so little facts, he knew it already. It was as though Xie Lian's soul was there with him, silently begging for help. And Hua Cheng would help. He'd never stop looking. But first, he had to kill this man.

Nobody tried to intervene until he caught hold of the man's neck and throttled him.

***

July 15th, 1987

Like clockwork through the work week, his captor gets up and leaves at 7:30. Then, Xie Lian can get some proper sleep without someone touching him. The sunlight wakes him up with plenty of time for chores, but he also did the lion’s share of it last night, leaving towels to dry out overnight. Sometimes, he’ll place them on the ground where the sun touches to expedite the process, but towels can take days. 

This morning, though, the sun is already up and his captor’s arm is still around him. This is unusual, since, after all, they’ve seldom spoken in several months now. Xie Lian refused, no matter how much he was punished, after he found out what this monster had done to his mother. After a while, his captor said it was fine; he didn’t care. He liked him better quiet and obedient. Or so he says, but he’s clearly frustrated. That’s why he’s gone so much during the day. 

Except today, apparently. His arm is still around Xie Lian, but he’s awake. He doesn’t hold him like this for romantic reasons, no. It’s to keep him in place. Because otherwise, he’ll get out of bed and spend the entire night working at the combination lock on the door. This effort is getting him nowhere, but it gives his brain something to do. He’s gone through every possible combination from 0000 to 1000 this year, but there’s still an infinite amount of other possibilities… 

God, it’s going to be a hot day. It’s summer now, which means he’s been here for at least six months. Which means his birthday is coming, and he wonders if his captor knows that. Since it’s now apparent he’s been watching him for years, he probably does. 

He surely knows that on every single birthday, his parents make sure to take off work to spend the day with him. The three of them would go someplace nice for the day; a beach, a museum, a sports game, someplace they could all enjoy. And while some might enjoy going out to dinner on their birthday, what made his special was staying in with his parents and cooking dinner together as a family. His dad was the best cook. His mom tried her best, but if she derived from the recipe at all or tried to make anything from scratch, it turned into a disaster. Xie Lian’s always been the same way. Hua Cheng once told him he favors his mother, and… 

Oh, San Lang… 

He hadn’t thought much about birthdays when they were together. Both being summer babies, those days were still far ahead of them in the autumn they’d spent together. But of course he’d imagined spending it with Hua Cheng, and being there for Hua Cheng’s birthday too. His birthday is June 10th. Maybe it’s already passed. Hopefully it wasn’t too terrible of a day. He deserves all the good birthdays, surrounded by the people who love him, Xie Lian included, because he loves him the most. 

He loves him, but… will he ever see him again? 

It’s been at least six months, but it’s starting to feel like eternity. He’s done everything he could to escape and nothing’s working. Perhaps it’s because his captor is so suspicious of him all the time, refusing to let his guard down for even a second anymore. That’s why he’s resorted to shackling Xie Lian’s foot during the day. The chain is attached to one of the poles holding up this house. 

It’s starting to wear away at his skin, so even though the nights are just as terrible, he’s grateful for the relief when the shackle is taken off. 

He has to get out of here. 

But how?

There’s one small window that’s too narrow to fit out of, even if he did manage to break through it. Perhaps if he lost more weight, but he’d need to measure the height… 

It’s also quite high up. He’d also require the strength to jump three feet up, at least, and then pull himself up and through such a narrow space. 

The only other way out is the door at the top of the steps. During the day, it’s locked from the outside. Xie Lian has kicked at it endlessly, but it does nothing. There’s no key hole on this side of the door. 

When his captor is here, he uses a padlock with four numbers. The thing is, Xie Lian can’t just go up the steps and work at it while that man is watching him. And with him holding on so tightly at night, his only opportunity is during his captor’s bath in the evening, when he takes his mask off and refuses to let Xie Lian see his face. He puts Xie Lian on the stairs and has him read. Xie Lian does read, with one hand reaching up to work at the lock as carefully as he can. So far, he’s gotten nowhere, but it’s all he can do. 

Or so he thought. 

His captor has talked occasionally about taking Xie Lian someplace else, their ‘forever home’ as he called it. While that could certainly turn his situation worse, it would also allow more escape windows. If he could gain the man’s trust, causing him to let his guard down just a little, that might be all he’d need out there. If they go to the woods, he could make a run for it there, and then, and then… 

The arm around him tightens briefly before there’s movement behind him. Xie Lian fixes his gaze straight ahead at the cement wall like always. 

But the man turns him around. Even through the mask, Xie Lian can see bruised skin, especially around his jaw and neck. He can’t help but ask, “What happened to you?” 

“Sh.” He presses a finger to Xie Lian’s lips. His knuckles are bruised too. Then it’s clear: he was in a fight. Xie Lian’s heart leaps. Does that mean someone’s onto him? “Today isn’t about me,” he says. “Today is gonna be all about you.” Before Xie Lian can ask, his captor clarifies, “Twenty five years old already, can you imagine? You were just a teenager…”

.

His captor doesn’t want it to show, but he’s sore today. Whoever he fought with certainly got their punches in. Even his eyelids are purple. 

He pushes a plate across the tiny floor table towards Xie Lian. "Eat up. Don't feel like begging today."

His lips are even harder to read, for they too are swollen. Xie Lian doesn't bother hesitating. As it would turn out, the man is not a terrible cook.

But he doesn't eat. He sits back on the bed, puffing from a cigarette. He looks pissed, but not at Xie Lian. Still, he doesn't want to provoke him. Xie Lian keeps his head down.

After washing up the dishes, he isn't quite sure what to do. His captor is still sitting on the bed, arms crossed. Eventually, Xie Lian sits down, legs tucked under him, and watches him.

His captor tilts his head, putting out his cigarette on the mattress. "Let me ask you something."

Xie Lian nods.

"What do you want for your birthday? And don't say something that'll piss me off."

God, should he make a list? His freedom, his freedom, his freedom, for his captor to die, his freedom...

But he can't say those things. He has to behave for now. "I think... maybe..."

"Speak up."

He flinches and tries again. "Something to read. A book, a magazine. A comic even. I... I do love to read." And thus far, he's only read boring academic articles about English novels while his captor bathes, so...

His captor pets his hair. "So do I. Wait here."

When he's gone upstairs, Xie Lian hurriedly finds the broom and sticks it to the ceiling, feeling the vibrations of his captor's footsteps. He's lingering in the back corner of the house. What has he got there?

Then, the footsteps travel back towards the basement door, so Xie Lian returns to where he was sitting.

"Here." His captor tosses something heavy across the floor. Multiple heavy things. Books.

The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Les Miserables by Victor Hugo.

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alex Dumas.

Not exactly books of his favorite genres, but he'll take it.

"I like French stories," His captor offers. "Take your time with these. They are the only ones I'm letting you keep for now. I'll take them away if you get any funny ideas again."

Xie Lian neatly stacks them up, hoping to dive into them later. Then, he clasps his hands together. "There is one other thing I'd like."

"Greedy today, are we? What is it?"

"An answer. I want to know what happened between you and my mother."

His captor leans back against one of the structure poles. He runs a hand over his head. "I had no feelings for her, nor she for me. I was using her to find out more about you, see. And she felt so guilty."

"Guilty for what? Being with you?"

"No, not at all. She felt guilty for letting you live as you did, in a world like ours. She of course wished you'd never been born, to save you the suffering. That's one of the reasons why you're here. I want you alive more than anyone else. I don't want the world to hurt you. Only I can, if I need to."

Xie Lian has to look away. He's not sure if he needs to cry, scream, or get sick. He digs his nails into his own leg. "The world wasn't bad to me. I wanted to be in it."

His head is tipped up, and his captor is right in front of him again. "Would you, if you never met that boy? You think anyone even cared to look for you after you disappeared?"

In his heart, he knows Hua Cheng did. He knows his parents did. But he has to start appeasing this man. He has to get out. So, he shakes his head. "No one is looking for me..." He replies softly.

His captor is pleased and kisses the top of his head. "That's right. Now, let's not dwell on the outside world. I'm in a bad mood because there's people out there that just don't know when to quit. They're going to end up getting hurt, you see."

Xie Lian nods.

"You get it. I'm glad. And I'm also glad you're cooperating, because my head is killing me, I feel like shit, and I need a distraction. So come here. I want to take a nice picture of you for your first birthday with me."

May I never have another, Xie Lian thinks, temporarily blinded by the bright flash of the camera.

Chapter Text

April 1st, 1981

“Oh, look at you.” Brows furrowed, she ruffles his greasy, shoulder length hair and tries to figure out how to get him presentable enough to face the public as quick as possible. The fact that he’s grown, like, a lot, since he could last wear street clothes presents another problem. The hem of his jeans only reaches his mid calves. “Do you have anything else to wear? Dad send you anything?”

She’s met with a fierce scowl. Ouch, that one almost burned. Fortunately, it’s not her first rodeo. “Alright, we’ll stop in at Kmart–” She tucks his hair behind his ear. “A-Cheng, you’re supposed to be wearing your hearing aid. Are you trying to tune me out?”

There’s no need to ask. His glare alone is enough to freeze hell over.

She was given three boys and no instruction manual, and currently she’s got one Air Force enlistee, one high school dropout, and one jailbird, leaving her success rate pitifully low.

Or rather, his success rate, since he insisted on having everything in the divorce.

She’s the one that left, after all.

.

Her old house hasn’t changed a bit since she moved out eight years ago. Well, ‘moved out’ isn’t exactly the phrase she’d use; that makes it seem amicable, normal. Fleeing at two in the morning from the man hurling beer bottles at her, with nothing but the clothes on her back, while her kids were away at summer camp – that’s another thing.

Then, of course, he went and filed first, manipulated their boys, manipulated the court system, and got full custody. Since she was the one who had to move away, it was better for the boys to stay with him in Oakland.

Unfortunately, his car is in the driveway. He refused to get a new one. A working vehicle wasn’t a priority for the man with a suspended license. She told him that Buick was a piece of shit the moment he brought it back from the dealership sixteen years ago, and she could pinpoint exactly what was wrong with it, but he said if it drives, it drives.

“Alright, let’s get this over with,” she says softly, tearing her gaze from the Buick. A lot happened in that car. “You just let me handle Dad and go get what you need.”

That defiant attitude from earlier is gone. Her son actually looks hesitant to go into his own home.

“Or…” She steels herself. “You wait here, and I can go in and handle it.”

“You shouldn’t go in there by yourself,” Hua Cheng eventually says. “Or at all. Just let me do it.”

“I appreciate the offer, but I have to tell him you’re coming with me. That’s how co-parenting works, unfortunately.”

The house is dingy, but not messy. It smells very distinctly of the house of every man she’s ever known – cigarettes, sweat, mildew. The man she’s unfortunately searching for is in a recliner in front of the same TV they had back in the early 70s with two big antennas sticking out the top.

She clears her throat. “I don’t plan on staying, but I have to talk to you.”

She has to speak louder than usual with him. He was significantly hard of hearing, but refused to ever see a doctor about it. It took years of pleading for their second son to see a doctor, and she got quite the lecture for taking Hua Cheng the year after. He had it worst of all. This was no big deal to his father, but she wouldn’t budge on it and worked for two straight years to buy him a hearing aid.

He doesn’t even turn around. But she knows he heard her because the hand around his beverage tightens into a fist.

“Did you know your son was in jail all this time? Six months. They said he could’ve gotten out in 90 days if a guardian came and signed for him, but no one ever did.”

“And then he got in a fight right after, extending the sentencing from 120 to 180 days. I know. His own stupid doing.” He takes a long swig from his bottle. “A string of theft, vandalism, and fighting. Such a model citizen. Too far removed from the hard work our ancestors put in to get us where we are, and doesn’t give a shit about anyone else.”

She studies a brown stain on the dingy tan carpet. She always hated the color. “Why didn’t you tell me about any of this? I would’ve signed for him, visited him. Gotten him what he needed–”

“What he needed was to spend his entire youth in there and get straightened out. That kid’s no good.”

“Don’t say that. He’s your son–”

“He knows what I think of him. I’m surprised he came back at all. Ran off about twenty times last year already.”

“He’s not back to stay,” she replies as calmly as she can. “I’m taking him with me back to L.A., but I’ll be moving back up here before school starts once I finish settling Mom’s will.”

This, finally, gets him to turn around. “You aren’t doing shit.”

“Yes I am.” Her entire body feels like it’s buzzing; all these years later and there’s still something so sickeningly terrifying in his gaze. She hates it so much.

It’s sickening, the lingering once-over he gives her, the way his eyes light up a bit, his smirk widening. “You wanna play mommy now? Kid doesn’t even know you. He doesn’t want to know you.”

She folds her arms, wishing she could gouge his eyes out. Focus on your son, she reminds herself. “You kept him from me,” she informs him. “Every holiday, every birthday, you sent the boys to your mother’s. I sent cards, I called, no response. I doubt you ever told him that. You wanted him miserable. Same with me during our marriage. It makes you feel good.”

“You’re damn right it does. Not much joy in this world, is there?”

At this same moment, Hua Cheng comes out of his room, lingering in the hallway.

“You ready to go?” she calls to him. “Where’s your stuff?”

“Just forget it.” He brushes past her, storming out of the house. She already knows.

“There’s nothing left in that room, is there?”

He doesn’t look the least bit sorry for it, either. “I’m dying and I have to pay bills.”

“I’m sure that’s exactly why there’s nothing left in there, but your collection of baseball cards and quarters is still on prominent display.”

When he rises from the chair and takes a charged step towards her, she still flinches, even after all this time. This delights him.

But she isn’t giving in this time. “I’m taking him to L.A.,” she repeats, eyes on the floor. “And I’ll be back with him when school starts.”

He’s quiet for a long moment, and for a second, she believes he’s done arguing about it.

“He forgot this,” He says calmly, but she knows better than to let her guard down until she’s safe in her car.

Sure enough, that’s when a little league baseball trophy slams and shatters against the wall, inches from her head.

.

She wanted to catch her breath before getting into the car, but how could she stay here a moment longer? Still, she tries to look as nonchalant as possible on her walk down the front path, even though her heart is hammering out of her chest. The hard part is over, at least. She won’t have to see him again.

The garage door is open now, and Hua Cheng is sifting through a pile of boxes.

“Find anything you need?” She hesitates by the door, not willing to step back inside.

He ignores her. A minute later, he carries one of the boxes out with him.

“I’m sorry if you heard any of that,” she continues. “What can I say, you know your dad. He says things like that just to hurt people. I don’t even know that he always means it.”

“He means it,” Hua Cheng replies, carefully setting the box down in the open trunk. Her heart hurts a little more when she realizes that’s all he has left from sixteen whole years of life.

“Then let’s get out of here. We’ve got a very long ride ahead of us, and I think we’ll both feel a lot better once we’re there.”

He shuts the trunk, once again hitting her with that fierce glare, his eyes just like her own. “You aren’t gonna want me either, you know.”

“Why’s that?”

He doesn’t answer. She laughs and climbs into the car. “A-Cheng, I’m your mother. Just like with your brothers, I labored more than 30 hours just to bring you into the world after 41 long, painful weeks in the dead of summer–”

This time, he climbs into the back seat, slamming the door. “Yeah, well every parent says that. They did a lot for the kid to get them here, but when the kid has any sort of issue… gone.”

“That’s not me.”

“You might surprise yourself.”

“Try me.”

“Fine.”

Once they are out of the neighborhood, she can breathe again. That’s when Hua Cheng finally tells her.

“I’m a raging homosexual.”

“What?”

“I’m gay, Mom.”

“I know what – I mean, yeah, obviously, that’s what –” she cuts herself off with a laugh. “I’m blowing it already, huh? I guess what I should say and what I want to say are two totally different things right now. I bet you want me to think you don’t need to hear something supportive. You want me to act like Dad, and it’s not going to happen.”

“Why don’t you care?”

“Kiddo, I grew up in the 60s and traveled the coast in a hippie van the year I left your dad. Everyone was gay.” She stares straight ahead at the Saturday traffic surrounding them, wondering if it would’ve been better to fly. “You know, I think your dad is a little bit gay too. Just one reason why he can’t keep a wife.”

This gets a smile out of him, at least.

“But in all seriousness, the reason I ‘don’t care’ is because you’re my son. I know you probably hate me, but I swear things are going to be different now. You’re not going back to jail, and you’re not going back to your dad’s. And from here on out, ‘til my dying breath, I’m gonna be right here for you.” And damn it, her voice breaks a bit at the end. These kids will be the death of her…

“...Why are you crying?”

“Because I’m your mother, damn it!”

“OK, OK… but trust me, I’m not the kind of person to cry for.”

“You’re so stubborn. You’ll see someday when you’re a parent! On a slight tangent, there’s this really cute boy about your age in my neighborhood in Fairfield, just across the street! His name is He Xuan…”

***

After

April 1st, 1990

She missed the first call from the hospital. It was just after eight at night and she was finishing up her grandkids’ hectic bedtime routines. She didn’t hear the phone ring.

After nine, she was outside with the dogs, and at ten she had a long conversation with her middle child on the phone. He got engaged.

The next call comes in at four in the morning. There’s been an incident involving your son, they tell her. She hears the word stabbed but nothing further.

It’s quiet at the hospital. She gets there just before six in the morning. The whole way there, she rehearsed how she would talk to Xie Lian, what she might say to comfort him in a generally comfortless situation. But by the time she’s taken to her son’s ward, he’s nowhere to be found. For a brief moment, she fears the worst – Hua Cheng is still alive, but Xie Lian is not.

“He’s not here,” a voice from behind her says. He Xuan, the son of one of her oldest friends. He’d just arrived too, but he was there when everything happened. He holds two cups of coffee. “They sent Xie Lian to the police station right after it happened, and then back home. They wouldn’t let him stay here.”

.

As a mother, there’s nothing worse than having your child in a hospital bed; whether they’re two or seventy two, it hurts the same.

Hua Cheng was a healthy child in his early years. He hated doctors just like his father. Surely then, the only reason he’s in this bed at all is because he’s been sedated. Her suspicions are confirmed by the doctor on his next rounds. He was sedated, not because of his injuries, but because he’d grown agitated in the night. He was stabbed four times in the abdomen, back, and chest. One nicked his liver, another his gallbladder, which was removed, one went between his ribs, the other close to his heart, narrowly missing it. He’s very, very lucky, they say, especially that his stomach and intestines weren’t affected, but she’s not so sure. Because it’s abundantly clear that the threat Xie Lian’s been running from is adamantly after her son now too – his eye wasn’t enough, and the man who died in the woods was not the one truly after them.

Above all, if they had more light to work with, that man would’ve been more precise with his stabs, and her son would be dead. Her not yet twenty-five year old son would be dead.

There it is again, this earth shaking, uncontainable rage within her, one she hasn’t felt since the day she discovered her son had been sitting in juvie for six months. She wants to hit something – no, hit someone. With a semi-truck, perhaps. A man, specifically, one who drives a white van and tried to mutilate her kid.

And when she hears the curtain dividing her son from the other patient in this room draw back, she’s ready to take the head off of whoever it is.

“Easy there, Ma,” her middle son raises his hands in surrender, followed by her oldest. “We come in peace.”

Hua Jian rolls his eyes. “He comes in peace. I just fell asleep after an all-nighter with a toddler when I got the call.”

“Hush, both of you.” She turns back to Hua Cheng. “This isn’t the time to be joking around.”

Her middle son disagrees. “He’s not the serious type. That’s my job. If we all look like we’re at a viewing when he wakes up, we’re getting cussed out.”

“Someone is after him, you nimrods. He wants him dead! This is the time to be serious!” She usually hates having tears in her voice, but she’s too angry to care. “This has to stop… he needs to get out of the area. Both of them do.”

“And maybe you do, too,” Hua Jian says. “Come stay with me at the base. I’d like to see whoever’s responsible try getting two steps inside.”

“I’m fine,” she insists. “Nobody’s done anything to me.”

While her two boys banter back and forth, she turns back to the bed. Carefully, she peels back the thin blanket, inspecting the gauze wrapped around his abdomen. His chest rises and falls steadily, his expression peaceful, yet when she smooths the hair from his face, his brows furrow and he slowly reaches towards his abdomen.

“Careful there,” she takes his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Though she still loves him just as much, and still finds all of her children perfect, it’s still a little painful to see him open his eyelids, being reminded once again of what was taken from him.

Hua Cheng stares at her for a moment, then shifts his gaze to the others in the room. His expression immediately sours. “Where is he? Why are you two here?” When he doesn’t get an immediate response, he tries to get up, his mother quickly pressing him down.

“Stay still, A-Cheng. A-Lian’s OK, he’s at home. Please don’t try to move around so much. Your stitches might tear…”

“I don’t–” He grabs his side, blowing out a breath as he slowly moves into a sitting position, “I don’t care. Are you sure he’s OK? He shouldn’t be alone.”

Oh, you’re such a good person, she thinks, slowly sinking into the chair by his bed. And you love that boy too, too much. It’s killing you…

“Mom,” he tries again, pleading. She can only imagine what those two experienced in the woods last night…

She meets his gaze and wishes she could take all his fear away. “When I finish catching up with you, I’ll go visit him and make sure all is well. Though from what I’ve been told, he… he might have to leave for a while, for his own safety. You’re here with hospital security and us, but he doesn’t have that luxury, you know? But… I’m sure he’ll visit before he goes.”

Hua Cheng doesn’t like this at all, but at least he stays in bed. “I have to go with him,” he says firmly. “How soon until I get released?”

This gets a chuckle out of his brothers. How noble! A psychopath tried ripping him to shreds last night, and here he is now, not even ten hours later trying to leave to protect the person who was unharmed in the incident. That’s true love for you…

As for Xie Lian, who has been alone for a painfully long time, this must also be brutal for him, not being here for Hua Cheng. But they can’t be together now.

They really can’t. Not until this man is caught.

.

He’s been sitting in the laundry room for over an entire day. He hasn’t been hungry, his bones haven’t ached from the limited positions: upright or curled up on the ground. In either case, he’s got Hua Cheng’s jacket tight around him and Hua Cheng’s pillow to bury his face in when he lies down on the hard floor.

But it’s not the same, and though he sleeps, he’s plagued with terrible, terrible nightmares. He sees the events of last night over and over again and it won’t stop.

It’s never going to stop.

Midway through the next day, Xie Lian decides that the moment Hua Cheng dies, he is consuming the entirety of every last pill bottle in the house and never waking up again. That’s it. There’s not been a point to living in years, but Hua Cheng alone gave him reason enough to get up in the morning. Without him, he can’t go on, and he’s very prepared to end it all. What’s most surprising is how calm he is about that. While he cries periodically for Hua Cheng and the pain he must be in, he does not fear his own end. He just wants everything to stop. It has to stop.

The sun goes down and then it comes up again. If Hua Cheng was OK, he’d be here by now. He lays on the floor facing the dryer, which he’s restarted perhaps thirty times, and cries – truly, a pitiful sight. And when he remembers the last time they were in this room together, he cries harder. It was only a few days ago, yet it feels like a lifetime.

Xie Lian was pulling the freshly washed sheets from the washer. He had a wicker basket beside him and planned to hang them outside to dry in the breeze, and not just because the dryer wasn’t working well. Hua Cheng was hunched over, half his body in the dryer, trying to figure out the problem. Xie Lian knew he was cussing at the confounded thing, perhaps convinced it’ll make the machine work again.

Eventually, he pulled his head out of the machine, just when Xie Lian had stuffed the last of the next load into the wash. Just about every time they catch each other’s gaze, they both smiled. It was sickeningly sweet, and it was brief moments like this that made him wonder – is this what it might have been like in a world where he was never taken?

“You need help hanging those?” Hua Cheng asked, taking a knee. Xie Lian sat on that knee and gave him a kiss for all his hard work. Hua Cheng told him he looked very cute today in the old overalls they’d pulled from storage; they were his dad’s, and he had to roll up the bottoms. His hair, growing longer by the day, was pulled up into a high ponytail.

“I’m fine.” He put his arms around Hua Cheng’s shoulders. “What about you? Anything I can do to help?”

Hua Cheng’s hands lingered at his waist, knowing better than to hold him there. “No, you’re perfect.”

“San Lang?”

“Hm?”

“Do we have an anniversary?” Certainly, they don’t have one in March of all times, but it was a subtle way of confirming their relationship status, of which he was constantly thinking about these days. It was safe to say he’d become obsessed with Hua Cheng, but even he could admit his intentions weren’t exactly pure. On one hand, he was obsessed with him because Hua Cheng is the best human on the planet.

On the other, being with him and thinking about him was the absolute only way not to descend into a very dark place.

Hua Cheng looked pleased at the question, at least. “I think of it as Halloween, but how about we have two? I don’t want to share with a holiday.”

Still, there were 364 other days to choose from. Xie Lian didn’t care what he proposed, or what he chose. He just focused all his attention on his face and held on for dear life. The smell of the detergent – though different than what he had before – was starting to overwhelm him.

“How about today?” he asked, climbing off Hua Cheng’s knee. He had to get away from the washer.

Hua Cheng laughed and said if he’d known it was today, he wouldn’t have wasted all morning tinkering with the dryer and just bought a new one instead. He suggested going to the hardware store, but Xie Lian told him he had ideas about other places they could go.

The basket of wet clothes was abandoned, and that’s the load Xie Lian keeps restarting in the dryer, again and again.

He reaches up to twist the timer knob when, yet again, the doorbell flashes. Sixth time today. He was thankful that Hua Cheng updated the doorbell system, but now he wishes he never did.

When the lights flash a seventh time, something takes over him. He storms out of the laundry room and decides whoever is on the other side of that door is getting a thrashing.

Hua Cheng has a key and would walk right in, so whoever is out there is unwelcome.

He tugs open the door, ready to choose violence, when suddenly he’s face to face with Shi Qingxuan.

Oh.

“Sorry to bother you,” Shi Qingxuan says, doing their best to look cheerful and not at all concerned about what they’re seeing. Xie Lian glances into the yard, noting that He Xuan, Feng Xin, and Mu Qing are all here. Great. The pity party has at last arrived.

Xie Lian doesn’t bother responding. He’s tired of being forced to speak. So he just folds his arms and waits.

“We just wanted to check in. See if you needed anything, to go anywhere, get groceries…”

Xie Lian still says nothing, but his temper is threatening to blow over. If I needed something, he wants to say, I’d ask San Lang, not you.

Shi Qingxuan is still talking. Oddest of all, they are now teary-eyed, and Xie Lian can’t take it anymore. He shuts the door just short of a slam and retreats back towards the laundry room.

But, seconds later, his shoulder is touched. He flinches, whirling around. Shi Qingxuan will not relent.

“What?!” he finally snaps.

Shi Qingxuan does not seem to be fazed in the slightest. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“Hah… really? I didn’t know.”

Shi Qingxuan lowers their gaze, focusing on Xie Lian’s shirt. “You were wearing that two and a half days ago. It’s still got blood on it.”

Xie Lian rolls his eyes, but he does use an arm to cover up the stains he couldn’t scrub out. “Just go.”

“You need to shower,” Shi Qingxuan presses, “and change clothes. You need to eat. And drink. I can tell you’re dehydrated.”

Xie Lian walks into the kitchen, doing his best to ignore them. There’s a few dishes in the sink from the day everything went wrong.

Shi Qingxuan stands beside him, a few safe feet away. “I heard he’s going to be OK. I know you haven’t been able to visit yet, but if you need a ride-”

“I can drive myself.” Xie Lian signs, then says, “Do you know what that means? Of course not. You never learned like you promised. Once everyone thought I was dead, there was no reason to.”

“I did learn,” Shi Qingxuan says firmly, including the sign for ‘learn’. “I know a lot, I’ve taken… I’ve taken classes. Three classes. I’m just slow at it. I don’t want to mess up in front of you.”

Xie Lian doesn’t know what to say. He keeps his eyes down.

“Hey.” Shi Qingxuan once again touches his arm, causing Xie Lian to swat his hand away.

“Stop touching me!! Just stop!”

“I’m sorry!” They reply just as passionately. “But I’ve been waiting three and a half years to tell you something and I have to do it now because I know I’m about to lose you again!”

“Then sign it to me,” Xie Lian replies. “I’m tired of reading lips.”

Shi Qingxuan pauses a moment, looking down at their hands. “OK. I’ll tell you.” Taking a breath, they begin, “You… were my best friend. You and I were different, but it didn’t matter. I felt like we were meant to be friends from the… the first time I saw you. And you put up with me. We had some good times. I think about that rainy spring break at the beach like every day. But… I was not a good friend to you. I never got to say sorry to you like I wanted. And then you… you disappeared, and I… hated myself. I thought, maybe if I said sorry earlier, maybe if I saw the signs that you were being followed… it would be different.” Their signs are riddled with fingerspelling and errors, but they get the point across. It is, indeed, easier than reading lips. Still, he doesn’t want to know about anything Shi Qingxuan is telling him.

Xie Lian shakes his head. “No, no. It would not be different. Please, don’t pity me anymore or feel sorry for yourself. It doesn’t help anyone.”

Shi Qingxuan doesn’t look so sure. The guilt and pity on their face is clear as day. If that wasn’t enough, having someone in his house for such a prolonged period is making him feel worse. The air feels harder to breathe with someone else in here. There’s only so much longer he can keep himself composed.

“I still want to help you, however I can. Even if it’s just keeping you company until Hua Cheng…”

“No.” Xie Lian finally meets their eyes. “You really came here for forgiveness, right?”

“That’s not–”

“So you could live with yourself? Then you shouldn’t have wasted your time coming all this way. I can’t live with myself either. That’s how it is now. My life was ruined. Yours wasn’t. So don’t dwell on what you can’t change. Just be thankful you have the life you do, and stay out of mine.”

Shi Qingxuan gets all teary eyed again. Xie Lian grits his teeth. “You should leave in peace, if anything. There’s nothing you can do for me.”

“Xie Lian –”

“And I don’t want to be friends with you or anyone else. I just want to be left alone. So please, go. Please.”

And then they break down into literal sobs. Xie Lian should feel bad – he probably would, if he could feel anything at all. They retreat to the front door, and just before walking outside, Xie Lian calls, “There’s nothing to forgive.”

Shi Qingxuan pauses.

“But if there was, I’d forgive you. That’s what… that’s what a best friend would do.”

***

When Shi Qingxuan and everyone else is gone, Xie Lian finally decides to change his clothes, at least. He puts on one of Hua Cheng’s t-shirts, leaving the blood stained shirt atop the washer. That stain is never getting out.

His shirt is stained with his boyfriend’s blood, caused by a man who will never let him go.

It’s a wonder he hasn’t come here already to… to…

How much longer until he’s in the basement again, or somewhere far, far worse? He can’t go back… he can’t go back… he can’t! Fuck, he can’t lose Hua Cheng again! He never got to see his mother, mourn his father! He can’t!

He stumbles into the bathroom, kneeling on the floor by the toilet. His head feels heavy.

He can’t get sick. He just kneels there on trembling knees for what feels like forever, with no relief… he can’t feel better because Hua Cheng isn’t here with him, and because there’s nothing to feel better about. There’s not one good or promising thing about his situation. He’s in danger, perhaps more danger than ever before. It was better in the basement in some ways - his captor wouldn’t punish anyone on the outside if Xie Lian followed the rules.

Here is different - here, he’ll go after everyone but Xie Lian himself. He’ll kill everyone he cares about, one by one. And then…

Once again, the doorbell flashes. He doesn’t get up. Who the fuck cares who’s there. He’ll be gone soon anyway, if what the detectives pushed for the other night happens…..

And then the bathroom door opens.

He sees a woman’s black boots and stares back into the toilet bowl. If it wasn’t obvious he wanted to ignore Hua Cheng’s mother, he adds a weak “Get out,” avoiding eye contact.

She responds by sitting on the ground beside him, up against the wall. When he finally looks at her again, she says and signs, “I’m here to take you to the hospital.”

His vision is starting to swirl a bit. There’s only one reason she’d proactively come here to take him to the hospital. “He’s dead, right?” He thinks of where his pills are kept and wonders how long it would take to swallow all of them.

But she says something unexpected instead. “No. He was scheduled for another surgery early this morning, just a minor touch up, really, and he’s doing a lot better than he was yesterday. He should be out of recovery by the time we get there—“

He shakes his head, her words jumbling around in his head. “I don’t understand— just- just go, OK?”

This time, she only signs to him. “I’m sorry, I can’t. He’s OK. In surgery, but almost out… ah… you have to visit.”

He rubs at his eyes. He probably looks ridiculous. So stupid. He needs a shower.

“Hua Cheng, ah… he knows what the police recommended you do. He was upset, but he understood. He wants you to be safe. From that reaction, I know just how much he loves you. It’s a scary amount, really.”

Xie Lian knows that. What he doesn’t know is why the universe seems determined to keep them apart in spite of their love. “It doesn’t matter how much he loves me, we can’t be together.”

“You will—“

“No! They’re sending me away. They told me. I’m going to stay with my aunt indefinitely, starting tomorrow morning. Can you believe it?”

“It probably wouldn’t be a bad thing to get out of here for a while. Shit has hit the fan, officially.”

She doesn’t get it. Of course. “It doesn’t matter. The problem at hand is that I get no say in any of this. Not once since I’ve gotten out has anyone let me make a decision for myself. They won’t let me stay with my boyfriend in the hospital, and now they want me to leave him there alone and travel all the way down the coast. They’re going to determine where I stay and who I stay with and how long I’m there for. Who else is treated like this? I’m twenty seven years old!! I think I know what’s best for me!”

She’s unfazed by his little outburst, so he doesn’t bother apologizing. She’s used to this type of behavior after all. “A-Lian,” she says firmly, sitting up straight, “I know you want to help him. But you can’t help him now. Not in the… ah, I don’t know the word. The W-A-Y he needs. Or the way you need. You have to go, A-Lian. You have to.”

Xie Lian huffs. Just because she’s Hua Cheng’s mother does not mean she knows what Hua Cheng needs. Or what Xie Lian needs. Even Xie Lian doesn’t know what he needs, but he’s tired of other people acting like they do. He wants to be left alone, here with Hua Cheng. Is that sustainable? Who the hell cares.

Who the hell cares.

She touches his shoulder, not drawing back even when he flinches. “I’m here to take you to the hospital to visit him, and I can help you pack. I think you should wash up a bit before we go.”

Xie Lian hadn’t thought of that. He can’t shower without Hua Cheng in the bathroom with him, as embarrassing as it is. Still, he has to agree with her.

He resigns to washing up in the sink. He grabs a piece of paper off of the coffee table and trudges out the door.

***

“A-Cheng, I’ve got a visitor for you…” His mother almost sings, tugging open the curtain surrounding his half of the room. Hua Cheng was busy picking at one of the bandages on his arm, but his interest is piqued at the announcement. “You’ve brought the man who did this so I can do him in?”

She probably scolds him for that, but Xie Lian’s focused straight ahead at his beloved boyfriend, who he hasn’t seen in more than two days, and in the meantime the whole world had changed around them. But he won’t think about that just yet. For now, he wants to focus on them.

Xie Lian gently nudges Liu Yan. “Can you give us a minute alone?”

“You can have more than a minute. Take your time.”

Once she’s gone – or at least seems to be – Xie Lian hurries over to the bed and ever-so-painfully-carefully slips into Hua Cheng’s arms, lying beside him on the upright bed and hugging him as tight as he can.

He feels like he can breathe a bit again.

Hua Cheng gently cradles his head, pressing kisses into his hair. His heart is beating so fast.

Later, they’re still curled up on the (upright) bed together. Hua Cheng has the TV on and they’re watching a race, but they aren’t really. Xie Lian is holding both his hands and wondering where they’d be right now if they hadn’t gone to that beach.

It likely would’ve happened anyway, and maybe worse. But Hua Cheng is alive and breathing, and though a little sore at the moment, expected to make a full recovery. He’ll be home soon.

“San Lang,” he eventually gets his attention.

“Hm?”

“You never told me how you did on the test. You wanted to wait to tell your mom, but you never told me. Did you pass?”

“Yeah. No big deal.”

Xie Lian smiles up at him. “It is a big deal! Now you’ll be college bound… Gallaudet, here you come…”

“No, no, not without you,” Hua Cheng replies. And judging by the look on his face, he means it. He won’t go to college unless Xie Lian goes with him. The problem with that is, Xie Lian’s not sure he’ll ever return to school himself.

“I think you should apply, just to see what happens. And if you get in, I’ll apply too.” It’s a total lie, but Xie Lian really wants him to go for it before he’s too old to fit in at school. Hua Cheng deserves a proper college experience, not to be tied down by someone who may never be ready.

Hua Cheng hugs him a little tighter. “For now, I just want to hold you and try not to think about my stomach pain. Fair enough?”

Xie Lian rests his head on his shoulder. “I can live with that.”

“Someday,” Hua Cheng tells him, eye cast straight ahead, “nobody will bother us anymore. We’ll be OK, and we’ll be together like we want. We’ll have a good life. I’ll work hard in college, I’ll find a better job, I’ll keep working on the house while you’re gone so that it’s perfect, and then–”

Xie Lian gently pulls his hand down. “I just want you, San Lang. The details don’t matter.”

They watch the evening traffic from the hospital window. Nobody bothers them during this time, and they don’t talk. They just lay there, and Xie Lian is finally able to get a little bit of sleep. He knows it’s the last he’ll get for a long, long time.

This should be their forever. This will be their forever. Maybe not in this lifetime, but the next. He just has to hold on for that.

When the sun goes down, Xie Lian knows he’ll have to get up soon. It’s gone dark in the room and the city lights are all they have to see each other. He’s running out of time, he has to act.

“San Lang, look at me.”

He’s still very tired. It’s probably about time for his evening dose of pain meds. Xie Lian has to go soon. He has to say it now.

So when Hua Cheng turns his head, still holding him, with a gaze that hasn’t lost an ounce of fondness since the day they met, Xie Lian tells him.

“I love you.” He presses a hand to Hua Cheng’s chest. “I always have and I always, always will love you.”

Hua Cheng gently cups his cheek. He knows they don’t have much time left either.

“Maybe it’s selfish,” Xie Lian continues, “but I want you to wait for me. I don’t want anyone else. But if you do…”

“Never,” Hua Cheng tells him. “I’d wait 800 years for you. Until you’re ready, until you can come home again.”

Xie Lian should feel like his heart is soaring. Instead, it just breaks. “San Lang, I’ve been bad to you. Horrible. I’m sorry.”

“No you haven’t. What do you mean?”

Hua Cheng is so gentle. So warm. Xie Lian doesn’t want to mess anything up. They should part on a good, positive note. But this worry is threatening to eat him alive.

“I have a problem,” he tells him. “Because of what happened to me before, I have a problem with sex. I don’t know why, but it’s all I can think about. This desire to do it again and again, to forget… to forget everything else that happened. To feel good for a moment when I feel so bad inside. I feel so... so disgusting. Like there's something under my skin and I just can't get it out. It's him. It's like part of him is still in me. He took so much from me. A part of me, an innermost part that I only wanted to give to you. That's why I've been doing this... asking for this so much.”

Hua Cheng just strokes his hair, saying nothing.

“I never asked how you felt about it. I feel like I’ve been using you. I know I have, but I couldn’t stop. Because… in the weeks before I escaped, it was constant with him. Constant like never before. That’s the most recent memory I have of that time, and I can’t stand it.” Even now, he can see it in his mind’s eye. He can practically feel it. He squeezes his eyes shut, praying for his pounding heart to calm.

Hua Cheng takes his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I want to help you, always,” he says. “And I want to be with you in any way you’re comfortable. You didn’t force me. I felt guilty, too. But I just wanted to be with you. I love you. So, so much.”

Xie Lian feels an ugly sob rake through him long before he realizes he’s actually crying. He finds himself in Hua Cheng’s arms, saying again and again, “I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to leave you.”

“I’m sorry,” Hua Cheng tells him, hand resting gently against his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

Xie Lian pulls back just enough to wrap his arms around Hua Cheng’s neck, burying his face in his shoulder. And he just cries. He’ll never make it without him. Never, never, never.

But there’s still a semblance of calm lying in Hua Cheng’s arms like this, especially when he feels three fingers press against his back, the sign for I love you reminding him that even if he won’t have Hua Cheng physically with him, he has his heart, and that will have to be enough to survive.

Wordlessly, Xie Lian slips a small paper under Hua Cheng’s pillow, then gives him a slow, parting kiss.

.

He’s still sniffling in the basement level of the parking garage over an hour later, accompanied only by a few undercover detectives – apparently, on the federal level. He’s going south, they’ve told him a few times. He’ll get a small, unsuspecting job, and remain under their general watch for a few months, or until their suspect is caught.

There’s a serial killer in California, they tell him, and they think his captor is the guy they’re looking for. The pattern of the stab wounds on Hua Cheng - one in the back, three in the front - is consistent with at least seven other bodies they’ve found over the past fifteen years.

Since he’s so interested in Xie Lian, he won’t stay hidden forever. And once he’s finally caught, Xie Lian can have a normal life again.

Everyone standing here knows that’s not true.

It’s after ten o’clock when a fleet of ordinary looking cars - some old minivans, some modern black SUVs, some cruisers on their last leg with tinted windows - drive through the lot. He grips the one bag he has to his name, heart pounding. Something tells him he’s not going south. This is bigger than he imagined.

“Last thing,” one of the detectives says to him. He’s old, with a permanent scowl and eyes that seem to burn right through Xie Lian. “You can’t talk to anyone from back home or tell anyone where you’re going absolutely anything about your life before. You’ll be given a new name for the time being. This will all be over in a few months, but you need to follow these guidelines strictly.”

Sounds like he’s going to prison, but he’s too afraid to say that. He’s handed a stack of papers, and then ushered into the middle car - an old camper van with curtains on the window- which zooms off in the caravan before he can even situate himself. The driver doesn’t turn around, so Xie Lian doesn’t look up at him anymore.

It isn’t for about twenty minutes that he realizes they are indeed not heading south, but north. That’s when he finally looks through the papers given to him.

His name for the time being, Eleos.

Perhaps a play on the word ‘Alias’.

Perhaps it’s random.

Or perhaps it’s for the Greek god, the personification of compassion, mercy, and pity, similar to his own name.

Regardless, they chose a name difficult for him to pronounce, since nobody cares about what he needs anyway. He decides to shorten the name to ‘El’, ‘L’ in his head so he doesn’t have to give up his real name in an already terrible situation he never asked for.

And he’s headed to some cattle ranch in eastern Idaho of all places, whose name vaguely rings a bell, perhaps from another life…

Three Days Prior

“Stu-dy-ing, San Lang. It’s a great new concept. You have to try it.”

Laughing, Hua Cheng sinks onto the sofa, his arm already around him. “You worry too much. How can I study all day and all night too? I need a bit of distraction.”

Xie Lian shakes his head. This man is a total baby. “Fine. Maybe you can help me with this.” He gestures weakly at the fourteen pound electronic sitting on the coffee table.

Hua Cheng blinks at it. “...The alien computer?”

Xie Lian can’t help but giggle at his confusion. “Remember when we went to RadioShack last week to figure out what this thing was? When you went to look at stereo upgrades for your bike, I was sold a software.”

“A what?”

Xie Lian reaches for the tiny box with the software in question. “A software? Um… this thing. I have to… install it. Somehow.” He hands it over so Hua Cheng can inspect it.

“What the hell is an email?”

“The man at the store said e-mails are the way of the future. I want to set one up. The therapist I see tomorrow has an e-mail. Maybe… maybe it would be easier to talk to him that way… in between sessions.”

Hua Cheng stares down at the box. “OK. I’ve never used a computer, but I’ll try.”

“Neither have I. Can you figure out how to turn it on? You can make an e-mail too, if you want!”

Chapter Text

During

1988

It’s late in the evening one night in summer. His hair is getting quite long, far past his shoulders, even though he’d rather it be completely shaven off, so there’s less to pull. He has it up in a high ponytail. He’s been gifted boxers for Christmas, his second one in here, so now he partners that with his t-shirt, but even then it’s too hot.

So, he’s decided to spend the evening scrubbing the floor to cool himself off.

His captor is watching TV. He brings that tiny set down here sometimes with a tape player. He watches old black and white films and Xie Lian never knows what’s going on in them, so he’s stopped trying to watch. He’s not allowed to have a TV while his captor is away anymore.

When he scrubs part of the floor closest to him, his captor reaches out and gropes his ass – not to be flirtatious, but to remind him. He squeezes the rag below him. He’s not sure how many more nights he can last being used like this.

As he scrubs circles into the cement under the window, he decides he doesn’t want to live anymore and ducks his head under the mop bucket handle, submerging himself in the water and being held there by the cool metal against his neck. His captor pulls, but Xie Lian grips with every ounce of strength in his body. He wants to climb completely inside the bucket and go someplace else. To another time. Another world.

He hears his mother.

Her muted, humming voice, when he was just a small child. “Be careful, A-Lian,” She’d said, scooping him up into her arms. “Don’t go too far.”

“Let me go,” He’d cried then, and he cries now. He just wanted to be in the water.

“Baby,” she said in her native tongue, “stay close to Mommy, please. I don’t want to lose you.”

He can see her as clearly as he did that day. He feels her cool skin, the rough ocean breeze, the pull of the waves. “I wanna go…” He’d whispered, reaching for the shining water.

But she’d pulled him away.

This time, he pulls himself in.

***

After

April 6th, 1990

She sits by the lake, watching her nieces and great nieces alike row about, splashing each other and laughing, fully soaking up this beautiful afternoon.

She always wanted to take her son here. She’d tell him about her family home at bedtime, years ago, when he was alive, when he could still hear her.

But it wouldn’t be so easy to make the trip, and once he went fully deaf, she knew he never could visit. It would be difficult for her family to accept him.

Her only son, deaf.

Her only son, dead.

When new people come to her family home, they know she is a widow. She does not tell them she ever had a son. What does it matter, anyway? He’s gone. He was killed. No one but her remembers him. It’s as though he never existed.

And, as she’d overheard her sister whisper to a cousin, maybe it would’ve been better if he hadn’t.

No, don’t think that, don’t think that, she grips the crocheted blanket covering her knees and squints up at her nieces again. Think about something nice. Dinner smells good. Maybe you could help with that.

In the house, her younger sister is in conversation with her son, who’s visiting from university. That’s who this nice dinner is for.

“And now he’s headed to Los Angeles, I think,” her nephew says. “Where he’ll be staying with Auntie. I think now is the time to tell her.”

She pauses in the doorway, listening.

“Now is the opposite of good times to tell her,” her sister whispers sharply. “She hasn’t spoken a word since that day, and now you want to tell her he’s alive, but being chased after by a serial killer and could be dead before she even gets to see him?”

“Her son is alive, Mom.” her nephew insists, “she has every right to know.”

She sinks to her knees, knocking down a vase with her. She feels everything and nothing at once. As empty and dead as the day she tried to die, as soaring and alive as she did the day her son was born, when he was placed in her arms for the first time on that hot July afternoon.

“What’s wrong?” Her sister asks, again and again. She has always assumed that just because her sister was silent meant she couldn’t understood. But she’s heard everything, and now they know it too.

“Auntie…” her nephew begins carefully, “I only just found out, truly. I came here as soon as I—”

“Where…” she croaks out, her voice unfamiliar.

“Let’s get you into a chair,” her sister tries to help her up, but she won’t budge, swatting her away.

“No. Where was he? All those years, where was he? And where is he now?”

During

1988

He breathes again, eventually. His cheek against the rough, cool floor. The room is steamy, a foggy hue in the air. He breathes in the warmth and it hurts. His lungs burn.

Water splashes in and out of the tub in a wild, thrashing sort of way. Xie Lian raises his head, just a little. He sees the pale back of a stranger, flopping along with the water.

He sees his captor’s naked front, thrusting into the body from behind. Fucking it wildly.

Oh my god, he’s killed someone – Xie Lian eventually realizes, finally tearing his eyes away.

But then Xie Lian is splashed. And when he dares himself to look up again, he sees the face of a stranger, smiling at him, fully alive.

He knows Xie Lian is here.

He’s looking at him right now.

And he’s letting that monster fuck him without a care in the world. He has to be intoxicated.

The stranger gives him a wink, and then says something to his captor – it almost looked like he was asking why Xie Lian can’t join in the fun, but he can’t be sure.

Maybe he can’t see him.

So Xie Lian shoots up to his knees on that terrible bed and cries, “Hey. Hey! Can’t you see me? You have to help me! I’ve been trapped down here for months!”

The stranger’s smile fades. He looks up at the captor, whose back is facing Xie Lian, and asks a question. His body is tense.

Xie Lian makes it as far as the corner of the bed before the stranger comes crashing into him, and the captor storms up the stairs.

“What the fuck?!” The stranger barrels up the stairs after him, nearly missing the open door. He starts to pound at it. Hurriedly, Xie Lian moves to the bottom step.

“You have to help me,” He repeats, gripping the railing. “Please.”

The stranger probably says something. When Xie Lian doesn’t respond, he turns around again, covering his modesty. “Can you hear me?” His lips read.

Xie Lian shakes his head.

It’s like the gears in his head start turning from the outside. “You’re that college kid that went – oh my fucking…” He sinks down onto the top step, hand over his mouth. His eyes are wide as saucers, his face deathly pale.

“He can’t stay up there forever,” Xie Lian continues. “Sooner or later, he’ll open the door. And the two of us together can overpower him. We can both get out.”

“Oh my god,” The stranger repeats, staring blankly head. “Oh my god, what have I done? My mom doesn’t know I’m here… my folks’ll never find me.”

Xie Lian looks away for a moment. There’s steam on the little window. “How old are you?” He eventually asks.

“Nineteen. I dropped out of college and left home, and—”

“Where’s home? Why are you here?”

“Home’s… what does it matter? I’m never going back now.” He wipes at a few stubborn tears. “Fuck, man. How long have you been down here?”

He shrugs weakly at the stranger. “What’s today’s date?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure. I think it’s July now. I’ve been hitchhiking across the country for who knows how long. Made it all the way from Indiana. Then I get picked up by this guy, we go for drinks, he seems cute enough, tells me not to mind the sleeping roommate— and I didn’t even see you when I came down. It’s so dark, and I was facing away. If I had…” The stranger turns away. He grabs the door handle and rams his shoulder against the door, once, twice. It doesn’t budge. He curses. It seems as though he’s starting to give up, but Xie Lian can’t afford that.

“Come get dressed,” he tells him, “and then we’ll come up with something.”

.

Xie Lian’s chest hurts. His lungs hurt worse. Not long after the stranger gets dressed, Xie Lian starts coughing uncontrollably. It seems like his body wants to expel his lungs. He must’ve swallowed too much water. If he was dead right now, would this young man still be here, or would his captor have let him go?

He wipes the tears from his eyes and pushes against the wall, shakily rising to his feet.

The stranger is sitting on the bottom step.

“We need to think of something.” Xie Lian says as firmly as he can.

“If I get out, what’ll I do?” He asks, eyes down. “Tell the cops I took drugs, went home with a man, got fucked and almost drowned in a tub because of his odd kinks, and trapped in his basement with a guy he’s kept down here for 18 months?”

“That’s exactly what you’ll say.” Xie Lian stands in front of him. “How about we drain the tub, and then throw it at him when he tries to come down? It’s a bit heavy for me, but together, we could…”

The stranger is definitely not listening. Xie Lian sighs. “What is it?”

“My parents don’t know I’m gay,” the stranger says gravely. “I can’t report him.”

“I’ll be with you!” Xie Lian is getting a bit desperate here. He keeps glancing up at the stairs, terrified of the moment the door opens. “We can do this together. So get up, OK? Please get up.”

Thankfully, he does. The two hurry over to the tub and push it over, sending the water scattering across the floor, eventually finding its way to the drain.

“Do your parents know you’re gay?” The stranger asks as they lift the tub.

Xie Lian pauses. “What?”

“That’s how he caught you, right? Same situation as me, I’m sure.”

“I have a boyfriend,” Xie Lian informs him, a trace of defensiveness in his tone. Had, a wicked voice in his head reminds him. You have no idea if he’s waiting for you, or if he’s even alive.

The stranger stares at him. If Xie Lian wasn’t so preoccupied with trying to escape, he might have detected the pity in the young man’s gaze.

“So how’d he get you?”

Xie Lian doesn’t want to answer that. He doesn’t want to think of that night. All he wants to do is escape.

The stranger touches his hand. “Hey. Maybe it’ll help when we report this. How’d he get you?”

Xie Lian sets down his side of the tub on the bottom step. “I was at my apartment. I got in a disagreement with my boyfriend, and he left and I followed him to the parking lot, but he was already gone. That’s when I was taken. And no, my parents don’t know I’m gay. Nobody did except my best friend.”

***

After

April 4th, 1990

It sucks, coming back to campus after all this time with less than ideal news. By now, everyone knows Xie Lian was found and had hoped to catch a glimpse of him somewhere - on the street, visiting the campus, or even an interview with a local news station. But he’d stayed quiet, and now Shi Qingxuan knows why: he’s completely lost any semblance of his former self. Though his body has been found, his soul is long, long gone. And they’ll never be friends again.

Wickedly, last night Shi Qingxuan wondered if things might have been less painful if it was never announced Xie Lian was found. He seems to want to disappear with Hua Cheng and tell the rest of the world to fuck themselves. And maybe that’s what he deserves, after everything he’s been through. But who knows what he’s been through, or what he’s thinking? There might not be much going on in his head at all.

“I thought I recognized you,” calls a professor from up ahead on the path to the humanities building. “Qingxuan, how are you doing? It’s so good to see you!”

Oh, Professor Jun.

Oh. He looks different. Though he’s never been a heavy man, with his tall frame, he’d once said he prefers to keep a muscular build.

But today, he’s far from that. He’s incredibly thin and frail, and the amateurly blended concealer indicates a struggle to cover up the dark circles under his eyes. Is it finals week already? They wonder. But no, it’s only April. Maybe he’s just having a rough time? Or he’s sick…

“It’s good to see you too…” Shi Qingxuan says eventually. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I've been a bit ill recently, but I think it’ll be over soon.” Beyond looking exhausted and frail, Shi Qingxuan can’t help but notice a trace of apprehension. Though Professor Jun seems friendly as always, there’s just something off about him.

This is why they are less than enthusiastic in their response. “That’s good. Um… I was in town to visit with Xie Lian, but…”

“Oh? How’s he doing?” Professor Jun asks a bit flatly, seemingly more interested in the passing conversation of some nearby students.

“Not great,” they admit. “There was this incident in the woods over the weekend with his boyfriend, and now he’s in the hospital and Xie Lian’s being sent to stay with his family down the coast… he seemed pretty upset about it, but totally shut me down when I tried to help.”

“Down the coast, huh?” He checks his watch. “I’ve got class in about ten minutes. I’d love to catch up further afterwards, if you’re still around.”

Shi Qingxuan doesn’t know why they say yes.

.

An hour later, Shi Qingxuan is in his office. Professor Jun passes them a cup of tea. “So you’re worried about your friend, huh?”

They don’t want to drink it, perhaps irrationally worried it’s been drugged. “He’s… not at all the same. Which I don’t expect him to be! But it’s hard to see him like this.”

Professor Jun smiles behind his cup of tea. “I understand completely, but this is common in trauma victims. Tell me, how did he finally manage to escape?”

“I’m not completely sure if it’s true, but I’ve heard that he figured out the lock combination where he was kept…”

“I’m sure that was a relief for him. Though admittedly, if I were imprisoned in such a way, I’d do nothing but work on figuring out the combination, so it’s surprising it took him three years.” He sets down his cup. “He’s so clever, as it is…”

Shi Qingxuan agrees. “I know he definitely did all he could, given the circumstances. But maybe he wasn’t trying to escape the whole time. Maybe he was too afraid to, or chained up somewhere — god, this is terrible to even think about.”

“There’s another option too. You can stop me if I’m dead wrong, but have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?” Professor Jun studies them closely, sitting straight up and head tilted slightly while awaiting a response. He’s oddly eager for an answer.

“I can’t say I have.” Shi Qingxuan says quietly.

“In brief, those kept hostage can develop strange feelings towards their captor… they… feel some form of attachment to him. In the case of this syndrome’s namesake, the hostages refused to testify against their captor altogether.”

Shi Qingxuan considers this for a moment. “Well… until the stabbing incident last weekend, I was told the investigation had been at a standstill. The cops don’t believe he really knows so little about the man he spent three years with.”

“It could be shame related; a fear of the world knowing about his sexuality. Or maybe he’s protecting the man, subconsciously. I really don’t know, and it doesn’t feel right to guess because I haven’t been able to see him. I was so hoping he’d visit one of these days…” Then, he’s drinking his tea again. He drinks for a long time and stares out the window.

He’s a completely different man today than the professor Shi Qingxuan knew. Beyond that, they’ve never felt this… unsettled, around someone before. Without their professor having done a thing, they feel like they need to run away. Like now.

Still, because Shi Qingxuan is curious to a fault, they decide to stay a bit longer and find the cause of this discomfort. “Were you two close? He never really mentioned you…”

Professor Jun stays quiet for a moment, seemingly weighing his answer.

“I- I don’t mean to pry!” Thing is, they totally do. Answer me, you suspicious fuck!!

Professor Jun smiles. His teeth are very white. “No, it’s fine. It just… might come as something of a surprise to you. While I initially believed he told you, seeing how close you are, I guess he didn’t, which has made me reconsider what was between us…”

“What was between you…?”

“On the vaguest of terms, we were more than merely teacher and student.”

It’s so, so hard not to scream. But Shi Qingxuan clings for dear life onto any semblance of sanity. When they leave, they can scream. For now… “What? When did you—“

“It was an error on my part, engaging in that sort of relationship with a student of this school,” Professor Jun says hurriedly, “But I can assure you nothing went on while he was a student of mine, in case you’d like to report me.”

“No, I won’t, I just…” Shi Qingxuan thinks back to every conversation they’d had with Xie Lian about dating - he’d insisted he’d never been in a relationship before, and was so shy about liking Hua Cheng. So could it really be true?

But if not, what reason would Professor Jun have to lie about this?

“I’ve wanted to visit him, just to see how he’s doing,” Professor Jun continues, “but I can guarantee he doesn’t want to see me, so I’d like you to keep this conversation private, if you could.”

This really can’t be. Xie Lian said he’d never been on a date before. If that’s true, how would he have gotten into a purely sexual relationship like that with his professor? He must’ve been manipulated. He must’ve been afraid.

Shi Qingxuan raises their head. They notice something in Professor Jun’s eyes they’d never seen before.

Hunger.

Perhaps even towards them.

Shi Qingxuan squirms a bit. “Sure thing. Uh, it just comes as a surprise, you know. He seemed really inexperienced.”

“He was, he was. It’s not really appropriate to discuss here, but I want you to know that your friend is more complicated than he seems. Keep that in mind, and try not to blame yourself for his behavior.”

“I won’t.” They smile thinly. “Gosh, Professor. His disappearance must’ve been even harder on you than I thought.”

“Indeed, thinking he was dead, wondering if there’s something I could’ve done to prevent it… was indeed quite a challenge.”

***

It’s been two days since Xie Lian arrived and he hasn’t left his room once. Not to eat, not to bathe, not to piss. He sleeps under the metal bed against the wall, hidden by the bedskirt. The floor is hard and cold, as though the snow from outside is trying to force its way in.

His host has been patient with him. A middle aged man with a hearing impairment caused by a war injury, he’d bought this ranch some twenty years ago and, after getting too lonely in the wilderness, decided to turn it into a working farm and eventual summer camp for deaf and hard of hearing students.

And now, apparently, he works with the feds to hide people like Xie Lian. He told him, just minutes after arriving, that he’d bought a computer in recent months and even an expensive printer. He’ll have deskwork for him on the days with the worst winter weather and plenty of outdoor work when they’re able to walk down the path to the farmyard. He rescues cattle from all over the place and other various farm animals – just about every one Xie Lian can think of.

Anyway, with the computer and fancy printer, he’d printed off some general guidelines for Xie Lian, to help him adjust in a place so far removed from ‘’warm and sunny California’’.

It wasn’t too warm and sunny when he left, but this is a whole new level. It hasn’t stopped snowing at all since he got here, and Xie Lian hasn’t looked at the guidelines. He’s had enough of those.

He’d never seen snow before, but he doesn’t have anything to wear outside in this type of cold, so he watches from the window.

During

1988

“Have you ever tried breaking this glass?” The stranger and Xie Lian gaze up at the dark glass of the window, still unsure of their best escape method. Or rather, Xie Lian has plenty of ideas, but the stranger, either blinded by his intoxication or fear, won’t help with anything.

“I can’t reach,” Xie Lian offers weakly. “And even if I could, I don’t think I could fit out.”

The stranger inspects the window once again, then turns back to Xie Lian. “Well, sure you could. I could too, if you gave me a boost. I can break glass neatly and quiet, too. Used to break into old sheds back home…”

“Well… at the very least, breaking the window wouldn’t be a bad thing. Maybe someone could hear us – how far away are we from the nearest house?”

The stranger gives him an odd look. “Maybe ten yards? We’re in a neighborhood. You didn’t know that?”

Xie Lian, of course, didn’t know that. All he could see was a line of trees from the window. To think that dozens, if not hundreds of people, were going about their lives just a few yards away while he was rotting down here is enough to blur his eyes with tears. But there’s no time for that.

“I’m not sure I could lift you,” Xie Lian tells him. “But give me a lift, and I’ll go out first after the window’s broken. Then I can help you up.”

This seems to panic him a little. He starts pacing back and forth. “No, no, you couldn’t lift me. It’d be easier to boost me up than pull me. I’ll go first, and pull you up right after.”

“Or we could go with my original idea–”

“No, there’s no time. I’ll break this window, just give me a boost.”

Now it’s Xie Lian’s turn to panic. “But what if you escape and then he comes down here before I can climb out?”

“Stop, I can’t focus!” The stranger snaps at him. “Now, give me a boost! I can climb off your back.”

Xie Lian starts to cry, completely out of his control. “If - if you escape, and I get s-stuck here… he’ll kill me… or move me someplace else! Please let me go first!”

The stranger is about to say something, but stops abruptly. His head snaps up towards the ceiling, eyes going wide. “I’m sorry.” He says, taking a few wide steps backward. Then, he runs full force at the wall, managing two steps up the wall to the point he can grip the windowsill. With no hesitation, he bashes his fist into the window, muscles straining to hold himself up.

“Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me,” Xie Lian stands just under the window. “Just help me up, I don’t weigh that much anymore, please don’t– please!”

The window is completely shattered, and the stranger’s fist is bloody. He drops to the ground, taking a few steadying breaths. Once again, he walks backward.

“No! No…please help me, don’t leave—”

The stranger once again sprints towards the wall, leaping up. He gets his head and shoulders out the window by the time something comes over Xie Lian. “I can’t stay here!!” With wild determination, he seizes the stranger’s leg and pulls with all of his strength, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

“What the fuck?!” The man’s angry lips shout. Xie Lian stares up at the ceiling. He can see the staircase, and the captor’s legs.

Oh my god, he realizes. I’ve just killed us both.

***

He comes to in an upright position, his wrists bound behind him. His lungs hurt worse than before. He tastes blood.

Directly across from him, the stranger is also tied up, although in a chair. His clothes were taken from him and he’s still unconscious.

Their captor is standing by the bathtub, watching it fill. The heat from the water sends beads of water dripping down his mask.

“What are you doing?” Xie Lian calls to him.

The captor raises a finger to his lips.

Xie Lian twists to get a look at the window. It looks as though he’s already taped over the broken glass with something – perhaps plastic. Knowing how closeby the neighbors are, maybe if he screams loud enough, someone might hear.

The stranger wakes up. He’s got a head injury that Xie Lian didn’t cause, and his head slogs from side to side. He’s groaning, confused, but when he looks up at Xie Lian, his eyes go bitter.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

The stranger looks away.

Their captor walks over. He places a wet hand on Xie Lian’s shoulder – incredibly hot, hot enough to burn, but Xie Lian bites his lip. “Glad you’re both awake. I bet you, good sir, are…” He turns away from Xie Lian, only addressing the stranger. He cranes his neck to see, but it’s no use. His captor deliberately doesn’t want him to know what he’s saying.

Then, he takes a step back, standing in between them, and turns to Xie Lian. “...made the right choice, trying to escape without him. He wants to be down here. He knows he doesn’t deserve a life out there, but you–” He nods at the stranger, “know there’s more for you out there. That’s why you were ready to abandon him here, you see what I do.”

“I wasn’t trying to abandon him,” the stranger protests. “I was just…” “Scared? Selfish?” The captor guesses. “Most people are. It’s human nature, and besides, you were agile enough to escape. He wouldn’t have made it anyway. You’re smart. I like you.”

Stupidly, the stranger shows a trace of relief.

“However,” the captor continues after a moment, “I’m not convinced of you keeping quiet if I am to let you go.”

The stranger jolts in their chair, shouting something about not giving a fuck about Xie Lian, about the captor never seeing him again, etc, etc.

The captor grins. “Good! I like your enthusiasm. This should make this next part easy for you. As insurance, just in case you do blab to the police about him, I’ll need you to kill him before you leave.”

The stranger looks at Xie Lian, his face deathly white.

Xie Lian does not move. He knows he deserves it for sabotaging the man’s escape earlier. He also knows his captor is full of shit.

“If you kill him,” the captor continues, “I’ll also need you to help me dispose of him. And then you’re free to go. Can you do it?”

The stranger stays quiet. He’s a young man from a small town in Indiana. He’s innocent and naive. And he doesn’t have a mean bone in his entire body. They all know he’s not capable of killing.

“It might sound difficult, so I’ll make it easier for you.” Suddenly, the captor seizes Xie Lian’s shoulders, digging his nails into his skin. “If you look away, close your eyes, or say a goddamn word, I’ll slit the kid’s throat. So shut up and pay attention. I’ll be watching closely. Got it?”

Xie Lian does not move. But he keeps his eyes open. “Good.” The captor smiles. “You see, my friend from Indiana, this young man is far from innocent. I found him two years ago in some whore house down the coast, spreading all sorts of disease.”

Xie Lian watches him with wide eyes.

“I paid him thirty dollars for a fuck. He’s very attractive, I’ll give him that, but he wasn’t worth the money. I wouldn’t have come back to see him at all had I not seen a missing poster for him the next afternoon. This young man, Xie Lian, ran away from home to be sexually promiscuous. He’s addicted to sex. His parents reported him missing and he stayed hidden, because he was selfish. He hurt his parents on purpose and refused to turn himself in. I offered to go to his parents for him, to tell them he was at least OK, but he refused–” He pauses abruptly, as Xie Lian was close to saying something, but his words were caught in his throat. “Care to object?” He mouths tauntingly.

Xie Lian looks over at the stranger. He’s watching all of this with a tight jaw. He believes every word.

“I agreed to keep him here because he wanted to stay hidden. I keep him fed and sated and he’s better off here than he’d be out there, I promise you that. You have to believe me when I tell you, he is not someone worth risking your life over, and he will not be missed when he goes. This should actually be quite easy. His lungs are already damaged from a little stunt earlier today, so it won’t take long to drown him. What do you say?”

A single tear slips down the stranger’s cheek. “I can’t… make that kind of decision. That’s for God to do—”

The captor bursts out laughing. “You… you dumb fuck. You still honestly believe in that fucking shit?”

“I… I…”

“Tch.” He stalks over to the stranger, lifting him with ease out of the chair. He drags him over to the tub, now positively boiling, and leans him over the side. The stranger squeezes his eyes shut. “Hey, Xie Lian,” he calls. “Do you still believe it’s up to God to decide?”

Xie Lian swallows hard and replies. “It’s up to you to decide.”

His captor licks his lips. “No. No it’s not this time, sweetheart. It’s up to you. This young slut, just like you were, wants to live so he can go fuck around and waste his life instead of going to school or doing something with his life. Just like you. Remember the rules. No looking away. No talking. You want him to die so you can live your pathetic life a little longer?”

He remembers the frightened look on the stranger’s face. The pleading in the eyes that had, just moments ago, been filled with so much bitterness. Xie Lian can’t bear to see it.

All he did was glance away at the washing machine.

“Remember how you wanted to die earlier?” His captor asks when Xie Lian glances back again.

The stranger has already been pushed into the water, held down by the captor’s arm and the heel of his shoe. He thrashes around madly and Xie Lian does not move.

Finally, he goes still. But his captor does not let go of the man. With his free hand, he unbuckles his pants.

“Do you think you would've deterred me if you’d died? Instead, I would’ve done something like this—”

And it’s then that Xie Lian realizes there is absolutely nothing his captor won’t do.

.

“Why…”

It’s much later. They lay on the small floor bed. The stranger is face down on the floor by the bathtub, his body going gray.

“Hm?” His captor strokes his hair, gazing down at him. “Why, what?”

And yet Xie Lian isn’t thinking of the stranger. He’s just as selfish now as he was earlier. “Why did you choose me? That boy is younger than me, hearing, attractive. I’m sure you’ve encountered plenty just like him, that’s why I don’t understand why you–”

He pinches Xie Lian’s cheeks. “Careful with your words. You’re starting to ramble.” Then, just as before, he’s stroking his hair again. “I chose you because I knew I had to. I felt it in me, like fate. I’m meant to protect you like this.”

He tries not to squirm. “How long were you watching me?”

“A long time. Six years or so before I brought you home.”

“And… and my mother?”

“About two years. If I was attracted to women, I might not have taken you at all. But she protected you, kept me away from you, kept me distracted. And then you disappeared off to college, and I had to find you again.”

Relentless, heartless, insane. This much Xie Lian already knew. But now he’s directly witnessed a murder for the first time, which makes all of this so much worse. “You’re a serial killer,” he says, unable to look in the direction of the poor stranger’s body. “Why do you kill?”

His captor laughs, then presses a kiss to his forehead. “Such a typical question. What do you think the answer is? I’m curious.”

Xie Lian hasn’t had the chance to think about this at length, but based on his captor’s behaviors, it seems pretty obvious. “You enjoy it.”

“No,” his captor pinches his cheek. “I don’t, not always. Sometimes I have to. I weed out the undesirables, the ungrateful, unmotivated, useless members of society. Those are the ones I don’t always enjoy, during the act anyway. Then there’s times like tonight when I do enjoy it.”

Xie Lian looks down. He knows he’s not allowed to look away, but he can’t look at this man while remembering the horrific things he just did. “Why did you… how could you enjoy it?”

“I don’t really know,” his captor replies. “It started when I was much younger. I’m sure that sounds typical. My stepfather was one of those self-righteous types. Horribly abusive to my mother, who was widowed during World War II. And he was fucked up from what he saw overseas. He told me to never, ever enlist in our military. I never planned to, of course. Seeing what it did to my father and him alike, how could I? But I didn’t have a choice,” his expression sours, “just after I graduated college, I was drafted and shipped out to Vietnam. My only feasible act of defiance was deserting, which happened to be the night my troop was ambushed – they all died miserably, burnt up, or exploded to bits if they were lucky. That’s when something finally changed in me, I think. I wasn’t afraid of death anymore. I was angry. So I went home.”

His words jumble around in Xie Lian’s head, but he can’t ask him to slow down. His captor has never spoken about himself like this before. Maybe, if Xie Lian ever escapes, this information could be useful in apprehending this man. So, he asks more questions. “And then you killed your stepfather?”

His captor smiles, patting his head. “Not yet. I started with a boy not very different from our friend over there. Young and stupid and cowardly. He wanted to see the world and be gay without his parents complaining. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just come out to his parents and face the consequences of it instead of running halfway across the world? Same with this guy here. Running away instead of confronting it. He’s not so different from you in that respect. You ran away too, because you were boy-crazy. You wanted to find a dick to suck without your parents’ holy image of you being tainted. But if you were brave, if you were the person I thought you were, you would’ve stood up to them, right? Or maybe you liked living that double life. Holy and pure on the outside, devious and horny on the inside.”

“Ngh—”

“The amusing thing is, you try that act with me, too. So holy and prudish, despite me knowing who you really are. And that’s why I know you like it when I fuck you.”

It takes everything in him not to scream.

No I don’t. No I don’t. No I don’t. No I don’t No I don’t No I don’t No I don’tNo I don’tNo I don’tNo I don’tNo I don’tNo I don’tNo I don’tNo I don’tNO I DON’T NO I DON’T NO I DON’T NO I DON’T NO I DON’T –

But when his captor’s hand brushes down his side, he has no choice but to continue distracting him. He squeezes his eyes shut and blurts, “Why can’t I see your face?”

He feels a hand touch his cheek and opens his eyes.

“What?” His captor seemingly repeats.

“If I’m never leaving,” Xie Lian continues softly, “why can’t I see your face? It’s hard… for people like me especially, to not see faces.”

His captor pets his hair. There’s a big smile behind his mask. “Appearances can often deceive. The face I was born with is not the face I identify with – when I take this mask off, I see my father. I see a child forced into war. I see a human shield. But wearing this mask, I can be anyone I want. And if I fuck this up somehow, I can just switch masks and make a clean slate. It’s powerful, you see.”

“Did that boy…” God, his stomach is churning again, “Did he see your face?”

His lips are covered with the captor’s palm. It tastes of blood. “When I’m tired of you,” he leans in close, “and it’s time for you to die, you’ll see my real face. But I have to admit, after all that screaming and blood, I’m far from it. Turn onto your stomach.”

After

April 7th, 1990

Xie Lian finds himself standing over the bed. Or, what’s left of it. The posts are snapped in half, revealing sharp, spikey wood. The bed frame has collapsed. The mattress has been stabbed in multiple places, sending fluff everywhere, springs sticking out awkwardly.

And there’s blood dripping down his arms, originating from his hands – perhaps it’s caused by the little blade he’s gripping.

He gasps out a breath, sinking back against the wall. He couldn’t look at that bed another fucking second. It’s just like his.

But he shouldn’t have taken out these emotions on the bed.

He should’ve done that damage to himself.

The problem is, he’s afraid to die because he doesn’t want to be alone. He wants Hua Cheng. He wants to feel the slightest bit safe.

And though he can’t be with Hua Cheng right now, and maybe not ever again, he does have one way of reaching him.

So, for the first time since arriving, Xie Lian opens the door and steps into the dark upstairs hallway. There’s one small light on downstairs, but it seems like his host is asleep. His host, who has left notes and dishes at his door every day, the most recent threatening to come in if he didn’t eat something before tomorrow morning, or at least prove he has a functioning bladder.

Maybe Xie Lian will talk to him in the morning. Thank him for his hospitality and patience, but tell him it’s no longer needed. He’s leaving. Not to go home, but to disappear. He’ll walk straight out the front door into the wilderness and let the elements have at him, if not the wolves and bears. That’d be a less painful death than his captor finding him.

He carefully eases down the old wooden steps and can’t ignore the throbbing pain in his bladder. When he’s on the bottom step, he looks down at his socks, which feel wet and itchy. He’s been wearing them for days.

…Maybe taking a quick shower, just a quick one, would actually expedite his death once he’s outside. Because he’ll be so much colder. Never mind how clean he’ll be.

The bathroom is cozier than expected. The window facing the main yard is closed with shutters and big, thick curtains to keep the cold out. There’s just an upright shower, no bathtub, and plenty of soft, fluffy green towels. The soap doesn’t smell like anything. It’s probably homemade.

And surprisingly, the water gets very hot. He’d thought, this being a cabin in the middle of nowhere, the water would be ice cold and maybe even murky.

But it’s warm. And when he steps in, the water pressure is nice, too. Immediately, the sweat and grime from his body washes down the drain. Running a hand through his hair, he decides it wouldn’t be a bad thing to wash his hair before he goes. It’s been a long time since he’s washed his hair.

Hua Cheng usually washed it for him. Xie Lian would sit on the side of the tub while Hua Cheng gently massaged the shampoo through his hair – it always felt good.

It doesn’t feel good now, and he has to keep his eyes open, but it doesn’t feel bad, either. It’s kind of nice to have clean hair. He stands under the faucet for a long while, taking deep, slow breaths.

He also pees for the first time in what seems like ages instead of stepping out to the toilet, because there’s a first time for everything. Back in the basement, he wasn’t allowed to use the toilet when his captor was around. It was deemed impolite. Even if he could, he wouldn’t want to. There was no privacy.

Here he is, pissing without permission. Bathing without permission. At night.

He’s still alive, somehow. In spite of everything. For what, beyond loving Hua Cheng and being loved by him in return, he doesn’t know.

Maybe that’s all that needs to be known right now.

He turns off the water and steps out into the steam, he feels a bit more alive.

And as he wraps one of the warm towels around himself, he decides he doesn’t have to die.

Just yet, anyway.

The problem once he’s dry is that he has nothing to wear and he’ll have to go all the way upstairs to get dressed again. When he opens one of the cabinets under the sink, he sees a fresh pair of underwear and flannel pajamas.

Huh. Hopefully his host won’t mind him borrowing these.

.

The pantry is well stocked with canned goods, likely grown right here on the land. He wonders where the closest grocery store is.

He grabs a box of incredibly sugary cereal - the only thing that doesn’t seem to be organic or homemade - and pulls out a handful. Then, he sits on the counter with the box, staring outside at the snow. It might be nice to go outside onto the porch, at least, once the sun comes out. He could reach out and touch the snow.

Ah, he hopes this cereal box won’t be missed. It’s empty now.

.

The computer is kept in a dedicated home office in a room just off the dining room. He knows the basics of computers from his time in college, but it still takes awhile for it to power it up and find its email application, hoping there even is one.

Turns out, there is.

He was told multiple times not to talk to anyone from home. As well meaning as they may be, it could at best send him to another location, or at worst, compromise his safety and cost him his life.

The instructions they gave, though, did not specify that he couldn’t email Hua Cheng. He doesn’t plan on telling him where he is just yet, but if he can’t be with him, this is the next best thing. It might be enough to hold on for just a little longer.

So, by the glow of the monitor, he writes his first email.

SUBJECT: Something I need to tell you

There was a young man in the basement once. 19, from Indiana. I never learned his name. Because I didn’t make a choice, he died. Since the moment I escaped I’ve felt like I’m haunted by him and every other victim of that man. They’re all around me, pushing me to remember something - ANYTHING - that’ll help identify the man who did this, to catch him. So they can all be at peace (and maybe me too). The only survivor of this nightmare.

But I can’t remember anything important. Just the horrible, endless torture. Nothing he told me has stuck with me, and I feel useless.

I could’ve saved that boy. He could be home with his parents now. But his body was tossed somewhere, never to be found.

This is what I carry with me every day. The guilt is almost as suffocating as the fear.

Then, immediately after:

RE: Something I need to tell you

PS: Obviously rough start to my stay here. It’s cold and isolated and intimidating. I miss you. I love you so much, and I just want to be with you again. As long as we’re not found by him and we stay together, anyplace can feel like home. But not here. Not when I’m alone like this. I want you to come here and take me away from this place and I don’t care where we go.

Xie Lian stares at the empty inbox. He wonders if Hua Cheng is out of the hospital yet. He should’ve asked how he’s doing first, but he’s gotten quite selfish lately.

Before he types a third email, a message comes through.

A reply.

RE: Something I need to tell you

I will. I promise I will. Just wait for me.

It’s a short message, but it’s there. It’s from him and it’s like Hua Cheng is right here with him. Xie Lian presses a hand to his heart and breathes. I’ll try, San Lang.

Chapter Text

After

April, 1990

“Alright, alright, I’ll go to the pharmacy, sheesh. It’s not that big a deal.” He was groggy and uncoordinated as he climbed out of bed, dressed, and stumbled up the stairs.

Xie Lian waited.

He waited some more.

Then, when he could wait no longer, he sprung up, dressed, and waited by the stairs, his trap in place for when his captor would next return. It could be a matter of minutes. Or hours. It didn’t matter either way; he knew that today was the day.

He remembers the fear, the anticipation. The way his entire body seemed to tremble, like the earth during a quake. And he remembers the door opening, pulling the string – his captor falling, his body distorting– then he was sprinting up the stairs, 1690, and —-

And now here he is, on the floor of an unfamiliar bedroom, staring up at the ceiling, his heart pounding like he never really escaped.

Anything could’ve gone wrong that morning. Maybe the combination wouldn’t have worked. Maybe the string wouldn’t have tripped him. Maybe he wouldn’t have been able to get upstairs fast enough.

But everything came together, somehow. He’s free.

But not really.

And now, his alarm clock buzzes, alerting him that the night is finally over. He hardly needs an alarm with the smell of breakfast – bacon, eggs, same as every morning – wafting in from downstairs.

Slowly, he gets up off the floor, minding the persistent ache in his back.

Xie Lian never told his host what he did to the guest bedroom. To the best of his ability, he put the room back in order – though the bedposts were decimated, he filed them down so they weren’t as sharp. He flipped over then doubled the sheets on the mattress so no one could see it was ripped. It wasn’t like he was sleeping on it anyway.

Snow had fallen persistently over the past two or three days, and once it finally stopped, his host approached him and told him it was time to start earning his keep. He had spare boots and a winter coat, but Xie Lian would have to buy himself more supplies the next time his host went into town.

So, just over a day after he’d left his room for the first time, he finds himself trudging down the lane to a big snow covered barn. When his host isn’t looking, he reaches down and touches the snow. Cold. He takes a handful of it and makes a fist. It crunches together into a crooked ball.

His host turns around. “You coming?”

He tosses the snowball behind him. “Yeah. Sorry.”

His host’s expression softens. “I bet you’ve never seen snow before. It’s nice, right? I’m tired of it.”

Xie Lian nods. “It’s pretty.” He glances away, unsure of what else to say.

And then he’s hit in the face with a snowball, his host looking positively, wildly, delighted. “That’s a right of passage. Welcome to Idaho.”

.

The barn is clean and organized despite the two dozen or so animals living here. His host says his female cattle often spend the winter and spring at a neighboring farm. A neighbor breeds them and gets his pick of the calves when they’re old enough to be weaned. “And I always end up with males every year, if no one wants them,” he adds.

Xie Lian studies the three solid black steers in front of him. “They’re good looking, though.”

“Right? That’s why some of them get sold off for breeding purposes before they come here. Most people just want to eat them, though.” His host gives the middle cow a good pet. “Not here, no. We don’t do that here, do we?” He kisses the center of its forehead. “No. You’re safe here.”

.

“My name is Mei Niangqing,” his host tells him on the walk through the long, endless barn. “I told you that the day you got here, but I don’t think you understood. Most visitors through here just call me Old Teacher. I told them ‘Teacher’ is fine, but they like to tease me.”

Xie Lian smiles in spite of himself. The man can’t be older than fifty, but kids are a bit harsh. I wonder if people see me as old yet, he thinks, and then he doesn’t smile anymore.

“And you’re Eleos, right?” Mei Niangqing asks with a wink.

“El is fine,” Xie Lian replies.

“Sure. We’ll use the ‘L’ sign just between us, but the kids will probably call you some form of Teacher - Young Teacher, Bossy Teacher, Pretty Teacher, Fun Teacher…” Mei Niangqing continues to ramble, veering off course to stuff a pile of hay into a trough. “Eleos, huh. Unique name.”

“I hate it.”

Mei Niangqing laughs, returning to Xie Lian’s side. “I’m sure. I had a guy come through a few years ago, they called him Herbert. He threw a fit about it. Another guy was called Elmer and demanded a change. I think Eleos is a rank above.”

“You have a lot of visitors,” Xie Lian observes. He wonders if those men ever got to leave because it was safe to, or because they couldn’t take it any longer.

“Oh, yeah. At least one a year. It’s nice having visitors, though. It gets lonely out here.” Completely switching up from his wistful, contemplative look, his eyes light up as he points ahead. “And here comes my daughter, Hanna—”

Xie Lian hadn’t expected to see anyone else on this farm until summer.

He also didn’t expect to recognize anyone, either.

The woman, this so-called “Hanna,” recognizes him too.

Before she quickly readjusts her wool scarf, Xie Lian notices a thick scar across her throat. She keeps her head down, brows furrowed, and asks in sign why she wasn’t told they had a visitor.

“Be nice,” Mei Niangqing takes Xie Lian’s arm. “Forgive my girl, El. She’s… a bit like you in that she’s not used to visitors.”

Xie Lian lifts his gaze. It’s unmistakable, and she knows it too.

“Dad,” she faces her father. “Did you know the connection here?”

“Connection? What connection?” Mei Niangqing looks between them. “This here’s Eleos, from Texas–”

“Cut the crap,” she takes a step forward. “That’s Xie Lian.”

“Don’t use that name here,” Mei Niangqing says firmly. “For his sake and yours.”

The woman rolls her eyes. Carefully, she removes her scarf, revealing her scar again. “See this?”

Xie Lian can’t look anywhere else.

“He was worried I’d talk if he let me go. This was insurance.”

Xie Lian struggles to form a thought. “You… you’re supposed to be dead.”

“We should talk about this someplace else,” Mei Niangqing suggests.

“Yeah, Yushi Huang is dead so Yushi Huang’s kids can live another day,” she agrees. “That’s why I’m called Mei Hanna now.”

.

“I begged like nobody’s ever begged before,” Yushi Huang tells him as they shovel out snow from the driveway. Mei Niangqing’s gone to get the mail. Her signs are slow, as she’s still learning, but she’s precise. “I just kept repeating my kids’ names. That did not phase him in the slightest. But then he shone his light on me and something changed. He asked my name, I told him. Then he slashed my throat and said I’d better disappear or he’d— you can probably imagine. I really can’t say a word now.”

Xie Lian grips his shovel a little tighter.

“So I listened. I disappeared out here. Old Teacher, you know, he’s not my dad, but we did know each other. My father was killed in Vietnam, and Old Teacher promised to look out for me and my mom. And he always did. He sent money when we needed it, even when we didn’t need it. Mom sent cards every year, I drew pictures for him as a kid. Even came out here a few times with my mom and stepdad. So when I knew I had to disappear, I couldn’t think of a better place.”

“But… your family thinks you’re dead. Your kids…”

Pain flickers across her face. “Please don’t talk about them. I know they’re OK.” Then, after a moment, “They’re OK, right?”

“They’re playing doctor with Hua Cheng at the moment.”

She blows out a breath. “What’d he do this time?”

“He –” Xie Lian stops himself. As much as he wants to tell her, he isn’t supposed to tell anyone anything about the life he left behind, even someone who’s familiar with it. “He’s fine,” he finishes with uncertainty.

She leans against her shovel, studying him for a moment. “You know… Hua Cheng is always stirring up trouble. It wouldn’t surprise me if he finally went too far and got himself hurt.”

Xie Lian knows that Hua Cheng’s record continued to grow during their years apart, but of course it was justified. He was trying to find Xie Lian, trying to stop the man who took him, trying… and failing. And this time, Xie Lian failed him. If they’d just gone back to the beach, if Xie Lian hadn’t insisted on pulling him further into the woods, none of this would’ve happened. Even if his captor showed himself again, at least Xie Lian wouldn’t be alone right now, and Hua Cheng wouldn’t be recuperating from stab wounds that could’ve taken his life.

“He’s very loyal,” Xie Lian eventually tells her. “I know he’d do anything for me, and that’s his biggest flaw.”

“He loves you,” Yushi Huang notes, eyes downcast. “Anyone with eyes could see. Love isn’t always a bad thing.”

“No? It feels like it.”

She shakes her head. “Same here. But I’ve never had it.”

Xie Lian doesn’t ask. They both simply keep to themselves, this guarded, anonymous duo, and shovel the rest of the driveway around Mei Niangqing’s truck.

.

Yushi Huang is a night owl. She’s the last one into the house after dark, and she spends most of the evening in her room at the far end of the hallway upstairs. Xie Lian now realizes she heard his little… breakdown, the other day, and is glad she didn’t say anything to Mei Niangqing about it. Sooner or later, Xie Lian will have to buy a replacement bed.

That night, as he steps out into the hallway with his pajamas and plans for another shower, he picks up the faint smell of paint. It seems to be coming from Yushi Huang’s room.

Perhaps painting is how she copes with all of this.

For Xie Lian, coping doesn’t really exist yet. There’s pretending, and there’s dissociating.

And there’s emailing.

After his shower, he sinks into the spinny computer chair and logs in once again. Hua Cheng left him two emails – one in their happier message thread, one in their “Deep Stuff” thread. He figures he’ll finish the evening on a more positive note and save the deep stuff for another night.

He starts to type.

RE: For the more positive stuff (no bad memories allowed)

I got to touch the snow today. When my host wasn’t looking, I laid in it. It was cold, but it felt good. We should go skiing someday.

Have your nieces seen The Little Mermaid? I saw reviews in the paper. I wanted to be a mermaid as a kid. My mom thought I was weird, but she indulged and took me to the beach and eventually public swimming pools. My dad would wait until I was calmly floating to cannonball into the pool, sending waves all over the place.

My mom would yell at him for scaring me, but as I got older I made sure to catch him off guard at least twice a summer until Mom decided not to join us at the pool anymore - apparently, she was getting the bulk of the splash, not Dad.

There’s another thing to add to our bucket list - I’m going to have to start keeping track here:

-Go skiing

-Go swimming together at a luxury pool (I’m being ambitious)

-Stay in a nice hotel

-See the east coast and visit New York City

Hey, maybe these could all be done in one trip? Better start planning….

.

“Hey. Hey.”

His captor’s rough, unforgiving hands were surprisingly gentle as he shook Xie Lian awake. What he didn’t know is that Xie Lian had been up for hours, staring up at the dark ceiling above the bed, grimacing through the pain inflicted by him. But it was what he had to do. If he fell asleep, he might miss his chance.

It was hardly light enough to see his face - or lack thereof- but Xie Lian did his best, squinting at him. “What?”

“Get up. You’re bleeding… like a shit ton. Even got on me.” He moved Xie Lian’s hand to touch his thigh, which indeed was damp. Xie Lian withdraws his hand, bringing it to his nose. That’s blood, alright. It’s hard not to smile. No, he had to play it up.

“Please, please, please get me medicine, it hurts so much – something’s wrong, I don’t wanna die–”

“Shut up, I’m thinking.”

But it would be morning soon, and he already knew today was the day. “My stomach,” he continues, rolling onto his side, clutching his abdomen. And it’s not even a lie. With how nervous he is, he really does feel like his stomach is going to snap in half, or perhaps his intestines coiled up so tight that they’ve caused a blockage someplace –

Focus.

He knew his captor wouldn’t fall for just any theatrics, so he couldn’t get too extravagant with it. He’s been in pain for days now, anyway. This had to be worse – this had to be visible. So when his captor finally curses under his breath and goes over to the sink, his back turned, Xie Lian pulls his pillow back from the corner of the wall, revealing the tiny cup he’d wedged down there. Sparing one last glance at his captor and picturing just one more hour in this awful place, Xie Lian quickly gulped down the disgusting concoction he’d made the day before – red in color, vomit inducing. Enough to scare his captor into leaving for the pharmacy.

He closed his eyes as the last of it slipped down his throat. Please work.

And before he could even finish his thought, there was red all over his lap and the white sheets. He heaved, working up his best tears. His captor was cursing, pacing back and forth. He sat down on the bed again, feeling Xie Lian’s forehead. “You don’t have a fever.”

Xie Lian got sick again, which seemed to really do the trick. He saw panic in his captor’s eyes and the slightest tremble to the hand against Xie Lian’s forehead.

“Alright, alright, I’ll go to the pharmacy, sheesh. It’s not that big a deal.” He was groggy and uncoordinated as he climbed out of bed, dressed, and stumbled up the stairs. In contrast, Xie Lian was quick, precise, as he pulled on long pants and searched for socks. His entire body was abuzz, but he had no time to feel the fear threatening to overtake him.

He feels it now and every morning since he escaped. He lies on the floor, yet again, and wipes the stubborn stream of tears from the side of his face. One day at a time.

The sun is out this morning and Xie Lian fully expects a busy day’s work. Instead, Mei Niangqing is standing at his door at half past seven and tells him to get up and get dressed; they’ll be going into town today.

Xie Lian wasn’t aware there was a town, so his interest is piqued. He hasn’t left the ranch at all since arriving, under the assumption he wouldn’t be allowed to. Mei Niangqing, though, has different ideas.

“Eventually, I’d like you to run some errands for me,” he explains once the truck starts rumbling down the snow-covered driveway. “You’ll be one of my few workers who can drive, over the summer anyway. And you might be responsible for taking some of the older kids into town.”

Sounds fun.

On the drive, Mei Niangqing points out local landmarks, offers tidbits about the neighbors, even pointing out the direction of Yellowstone. He says they’ll be heading that way a few times with the campers.

Xie Lian isn’t really paying attention. He stares out at the barren, wintery mess of land surrounding them, and wonders how mountains can get so tall. He wonders if anyone lives up on those ridges. What it might be like to be all the way up there, far from the rest of the world. If motorcycles can make it up such steep paths…

***

“I’m going back on May 14th. My visa was just approved,” Xie Lian’s mother informs her sister over dinner, some two unbearable weeks after being told her son was still alive, had been confirmed alive since February.

The table is uncomfortably quiet. Her sister stares down at her dinner, her brother-in-law’s jaw set firmly.

“What?” she presses. “Has he grown a third leg? Lost his vision? Why shouldn’t I see him?”

Her nephew clears his throat. “...wasted trip.”

“What?”

“A wasted trip, Auntie.” He keeps his eyes down. “Nobody knows where he is.”

“You said he was staying with my sister in Los Angeles–”

“Yeah, that’s what I was told. But Qi Rong says otherwise—”

“Since when did Qi Rong become a voice of authority?” she snaps. “That child is mentally ill. He doesn’t know anything.”

Her sister sighs deeply, the same way she does when one of her children or grandchildren is testing her. “Jie, he said A-Lian was staying at your old house in Fremont. That he and a friend kicked him out of the house, and neither of them are there now, nor in Los Angeles. He was told by the police A-Lian would be gone for a while, for his safety, and they alluded to him going perhaps to the east coast. I doubt anyone will tell you where he is. That’s why it’s a wasted trip.”

She shakes her head. “No, no, they’d tell me something. If not the police, then perhaps his friend, the - the young man who was staying with him, what was his name?”

“I don’t know his name, just his mother’s. She’s the one I’ve spoken to.”

***

“Every time I come in here, you’re on that… that thing,” Liu Yan comments in passing on her way to the kitchen. Hua Cheng ignores her, continuing his typing.

“And you type so slow,” she adds. “Didn’t you ever use a typewriter? It can’t be much different.”

“It’s called thinking about what I want to say,” Hua Cheng replies in a bored voice. He still hasn’t looked up.

“And what are you saying? Are you writing a book?”

His mother doesn’t know about his contact with Xie Lian. Nobody can. If they do, it’ll be shut down.

It’s agonizing, not knowing where Xie Lian is. All he can gather is that it’s somewhere cold and somewhere Xie Lian has never been. That could be anywhere in the northern part of the country. Once Hua Cheng is healed up and his stitches are removed, he plans on finding out.

For now, he writes.

RE: For the more positive stuff (no bad memories allowed)

I went on a field trip to a farm back in grade school. They let us try milking a cow, but I refused. I thought I was too cool for a lot of things back then, homework and milking cows included.

To answer your question though, I don’t really know if I have a strong preference between city or country. I haven’t been able to travel, and I’ve only ever lived in cities. I’m not sure how me and country living would get on. What do you think of it?

My nieces are now obsessed with playing doctor. Ever since I got released it seems like they’ve been here CONSTANTLY. Last night I was propped up on the couch, surrounded by roughly three dozen stuffed animals, while they watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Gave me some ideas on how to deal with them the next time they come over……

I haven’t done much else than watch TV and worry about you. As soon as these stitches come out, I’m going for a long, looooooong drive and I’ll spend the whole time wishing you were there with me. Ugh. I miss you too much. Stay strong – shouldn’t be hard, since you’re already stronger than me.

Since I’m writing at an off time of day and know you won’t be reading this until tonight, after a long day of hard work, I’ll add a little extra here:

One of the first things I fell in love with were your eyes. They have so much warmth and kindness in them. Even when you don’t think they do - I see it when you deal with people in public, when you wave to an old neighbor, when you watch your favorite TV show. It’s captivating, that warm glow in them.

I’m going to kiss your eyelids a lot when we meet next.

What are you up to?

***

To Xie Lian’s great surprise, after a good thirty minutes they actually happen upon a town, complete with a supermarket and a few restaurants. Still, it looks like it could be a backdrop for the typical western film, reminding him he’s far, far from home.

He doesn’t want to get out of the truck, but Mei Niangqing doesn’t seem like the type who should be kept waiting. He also doesn’t bother telling Xie Lian to follow him; he just starts walking up towards the general store he’d parked in front of.

There’s only two other cars parked, hardly a crowd, so Xie Lian decides to follow him. He squints out at the snow covered streets – almost blindingly white – and wonders if snow plows exist out here or if everyone has snow tires. That’s probably a law here. If he got stranded, there’d be no way of getting help.

Mei Niangqing waves at him from the store entrance. “Come on, it’s cold.”

Stuffing his hands into his coat pockets, Xie Lian hurries along. “Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I forgot this was new to you still, that some people find this kind of place impressive. I just think it’s boring.”

Xie Lian hasn’t decided yet. If he had to choose, he’d say it’s a bit of both.

Mei Niangqing pulls out one of the six carts in the corral and motions for Xie Lian to take it. “Whatever you can’t find in the store can be shipped out, so don’t be afraid to ask,” Mei Niangqing adds, scanning his shopping list. “Crap, we need a lot today. Glad I brought you along, otherwise I’d be here all day.”

“I used to help my mom with shopping for a charity organization she volunteered with,” Xie Lian says, but he’s unsure why he tells Mei Niangqing this. Like it matters. Like Mei Niangqing cares.

Oddly enough, Mei Niangqing smiles at him and says, “Then it looks like I’m in good company. Now, I’m gonna introduce you to the owner, see about ordering you some overalls.”

“I have some.” Xie Lian pulls a cart out of the corral. “They were my dad’s.”

“You won’t want cow shit on your dad’s overalls.”

He grimaces. “I see. Overalls… I’ll chip in so you can order two.”

Though the store isn’t organized as well as it could be – and Xie Lian would be a good judge of this, given his history of working in a market as a teenager – he’s still able to find most of what’s needed in a relatively short amount of time.

Mei Niangqing, on the other hand, spends his time yapping to the clerk behind the counter, who seems like a good friend of his. The only problem with that is the way the two keep looking at Xie Lian while they’re speaking, and he can’t tell what they’re saying about him.

Probably some generic story of who he’s supposed to be, where he came from. Eleos Lin. From Texas.

Or was it some other state? He’s yet to read through his new backstory…

Anyway, what’s next on the list? Flour. That’s in the baking aisle. He picks up a five pound bag.

Maybe Eleos’ backstory is typical. Maybe he has a mom and dad and sister in some normal, unassuming middle class neighborhood. A girlfriend at college.

That’s bullshit and nauseating.

Because maybe Eleos actually has a boyfriend and a dead dad and a mom that’s halfway across the world. And maybe Eleos just wants to go away, far from here, in his boyfriend’s Firebird and never, ever look back, and just —

Bang!

The cart rams into the back of a woman’s calves, who’d just been innocently browsing cake boxes prior to Xie Lian’s – er, Eleos’-- carelessness.

“Sorry!” he says softly, hurrying past her.

She touches his arm and says she’s fine, but to please be careful. It’s hard not to recoil. He doesn’t know her, she doesn’t know him, but he still feels unsafe and can’t look at her a moment longer. Eleos isn’t feeling very social.

Right, what’s next on the list?

Rubber boots - Eleos

What if Eleos doesn’t want rubber boots? Has anyone ever bothered asking Eleos if he wanted to work on a fucking cow farm? Eleos might be better suited to the beach, enjoying the sun with his boyfriend, who’s recovering from a terrible injury —

“Hey.” Suddenly, Mei Niangqing is standing in front of him with a pile of packages in various colors. “What’s your favorite color? I’m going to switch up the linens.”

He looks down at the options - red, blue, light blue, green, pink, purple… and is wholly overwhelmed. Not just at the options, but because he doesn’t know. He can’t remember what it was before, and nobody’s asked him until now. He doesn’t have a favorite color. He doesn’t think Eleos has a favorite color either.

Why doesn’t he have a favorite color?

Because there’s nothing left of him? Jesus, that’s exactly it. There’s nothing left of him.

“I don’t know,” he says blandly, looking down at the contents of the cart. It’s almost full.

“Well, choose.” Mei Niangqing piles up the linens atop the cart. “Study them for a minute. I’ve got to grab something from the next aisle.”

He struggles to think back to his childhood. Back to school shopping. If his mother told him he could pick any color bookbag, what would he have chosen?

No, it wouldn’t be the dark, navy blue Jansport he got coming into senior year. He’ll never wear or own anything in navy blue again.

Maybe red? It’s certainly not his favorite color, so fiery and loud, but Hua Cheng likes red, and Xie Lian likes what Hua Cheng likes. But he already has red plaid linens, and if he chooses that, Mei Niangqing may tell him to pick something else.

When he was shopping for his new school in fifth grade, he asked his mom for a pink lunchbox. It either had the Muppets or the Looney Tunes characters on it. She put it back and said a plain, simple color would do better. Cost efficient, she said.

No, now he remembers. Every year he chose a bright color, it was put back for a more muted tone. Sometimes it was due to the price. Others it was to keep him from standing out.

That’s probably why she never came to get him from the bus stop. Even she didn’t want to be associated with him.

No, don’t think that. That’s something He would tell you, it’s not real.

Maybe it’s not real, but he felt it. He always did.

He stared down, nearly cross eyed at this point, at the linens. And then he has a thought:

While Xie Lian’s mother may not have been the most accepting, Eleos’ mother is. She bought him clothes and accessories in whatever colors he wanted. Pinks and purples and yellows and soft blues and floral patterns, and she was there when he got his ears pierced and told him how nice they looked.

And Eleos’ mother knows sign too, that’s how she tells him she loves him and how she says, “It’s nice to meet you,” to his boyfriend, who he brings over on the weekends and doesn't have to hide away…

So because his mother is so accepting, Eleos never grew up with any sort of doubt or discomfort. In fact, he’s only here as a do-gooder, wanting to build the confidence of kids like him and inspire them to pay it forward. He’s confident in himself, he’s loved, and he’s happy.

And his favorite color is teal. It’s easy on the eyes and the linens are the softest. His favorite color has always been teal.

.

While Mei Niangqing is a decent cook, it’s clear that Yushi Huang should’ve considered a career in the culinary arts. She tells him it’s just garlic chicken and rice, baked potatoes and sauteed vegetables, no big deal, but to him, it’s the first time food has tasted like food in a long, long time.

His diet has been shit for years, before and after his… time away, and his appetite was non-existent. But after today – in town in the morning, spending the afternoon clearing fallen branches from paths surrounding the property, and the evening with the cows, he’s actually starving.

So before Yushi Huang even sits down at the table, he’s already cleared his plate.

She and Mei Niangqing share a wordless smile before she scoops double the helping onto Xie Lian’s plate.

They spend dinner talking about football. Mei Niangqing likes the Broncos and worked in their PR department for eight years.

The man is full of secrets.

***

He stares down at his body in the shower. His dick. Hardly impressive, really. Can’t even get it up without incredible attention and devotion from someone he likes.

Probably because of his captor. He seemed to always have a hand or something else on it. Even when Hua Cheng is touching him, his body wants to recoil. If they stayed together, he might’ve gotten used to it in time, but it also might’ve gotten worse.

Maybe even to the point where he stops physical contact altogether.

He hates this fucking war his body and brain are at with each other. He wants it. He detests it.

And he detests the way he can’t rid himself from the thought that sex is something dirty, impure. That there’s something wrong with him if he enjoys it again, after everything that happened. If he’s able to have sex, it must mean he wasn’t bothered by what was done to him, perhaps he even enjoyed it —

He slams a fist against the tile wall.

He couldn’t control how his body reacted back then, under the influence or sober.

So why can’t he forgive himself? Why can’t his disgust resolve?

Hua Cheng never conveyed that disgust, despite knowing that Xie Lian had been with someone else. He treated his body with such care, such adoration, such hunger. It never changed. He just… took Xie Lian for what he was in that moment, not minding about the past. At least not openly, anyway. And he never made Xie Lian feel anything but good and safe and desired, even if his body didn’t comply.

When they next see each other, that has to change. He needs to be OK again. Get his body back in sync with his mind. And be a good partner for Hua Cheng, who deserves so much more. All Hua Cheng does is give, give, give, and ask nothing in return. He gets nothing in return.

And beyond guilt, Xie Lian wants to give back to Hua Cheng. There’s so much they never got to do together, and part of that is his own fault.

He needs to be more confident, like Eleos. Eleos, who grew up with no restraints, is surely incredibly confident in his sexuality. He lives without regret, without fear. Xie Lian has to pretend he’s the same.

He’s just not there yet.

Tonight, he’s reached a small milestone, at least: looking down at his body without shame or aversion. For a few minutes, anyway.

***

RE: Deep Stuff

He was right about one thing. Part of the reason I never came out to my parents is because I didn’t want their image of me to ever change. It was hard enough for them to love me as it was – add being gay to the mix and… you know.

But that wasn’t really fair of me, was it? They mourned a version of me that never existed. I guess I should’ve left it up to them to decide whether they could accept the real me, but I didn’t give them the chance. So in a sense, their son really is dead.

I was thinking about us again last night. I’m sorry for making you sleep on the floor for all that time, and to be honest, it makes no difference where I sleep now that we’re apart. But I think I miss you so much at this point that I’d sleep on a bed if you were on it with me.

I’ve still been sleeping on the floor, and my back kills me every morning. I think I could be much better if I wasn’t such a fucking weirdo about sleeping. But it’s inescapable, honest to god. I’m scared that when I lie down and turn over, he’ll be right there with that awful masked face of his, staring at me and telling me to turn onto my stomach…………

He’s not here. And I KNOW that. But still, my mind & body are refusing to cooperate. Hence, here I am on the floor.

Well, I’m not on the floor right now, but you get the point.

San Lang, how do I do this? How do I survive?

PS. Your turn for an angsty question, since I’ve been getting so many whoppers of late:

How’s the adjustment been, going from two eyes to one? Not just visually, but… you never took it off in front of me. I wanted to ask you to show me your scar, but… I felt like it wasn’t fair, since there were parts of me I’ve kept hidden from you, too.

But is that something you’d be willing to show me someday? No pressure. You can set that boundary. I just think you’re beautiful regardless :)

Goodnight & love you always

Chapter Text

During

November 1989

Blood.

There was so much blood.

And he stood over him, laughing.

Hua Cheng turned onto his side, touching the grimey, dusty floor, not knowing Xie Lian was just a floor below him.

One moment he could see; the next, his vision was swirling, in and out.

He felt the man’s boot pressing into his spine, his lips close to his ear. “Guess what,” he hissed, “you’re never going to find him. And even if you did…”

Pain. So much fucking pain. More than he could take, but he refused to scream, gritting his teeth ‘til they nearly snapped.

“Why would he want a freak like you?”

***

After

May 7th, 1990

He can barely see himself through the steam on the bathroom mirror; the only acceptable time to walk around without his eyepatch. Finally, he’s scraped up enough money to see someone about a prosthetic eye, but the temporary ones had looked ridiculous on him. His mom said they looked fine, but she’s his mom.

It might be useless anyway.

“Is that something you’d be willing to show me someday?” Xie Lian had asked in his sweet way. And he deserves to see it, if he wants to, but… isn’t he dealing with enough? And how can he show him, when Hua Cheng can’t even look at it himself?

For months now, he’s avoided looking, avoiding thinking about what happened. And then Xie Lian came back, and that made it easier to avoid. He was able to put all of his energy into caring for Xie Lian, ignoring himself. Then, after Hua Cheng was stabbed last month, he had even more reason to avoid his eye; he hardly got out of bed at all.

But it’s been over a month now, he’s healed up, and there’s nothing he can do to avoid himself anymore.

Gege, he mentally begins his next email, it’s ugly. Carefully, he slides a hand across the mirror, clearing it. It’s easier to wear the eyepatch. I feel more comfortable – no, he can’t say that, because it isn’t true. He’s just as uncomfortable with an eyepatch – which people always stare at – than he’d be with a glass eye – which people will absolutely stare at too.

It’s more of the principle of it. Being frozen in time, versus moving forward.

Thank you for applying to Gallaudet University, the letter in the mail said, just last week. Your application is under review! Due to the high volume of applications, you may be placed on a waitlist.

His mother couldn’t believe it. She was so excited for him, she called relatives.

But he hadn’t applied. He’d kept the application in his top drawer, underneath his collection of mismatched socks. When he checked again, it was gone.

His mother said she had nothing to do with it, but she had gone with Xie Lian to the post office a few days prior to Hua Cheng’s stabbing, and he’d apparently spent a good amount on the fastest shipping option for a letter…

Why do you want me to leave so badly? The only thing that matters to me is being with you, he’d typed in an unsent email. He doesn’t want to burden Xie Lian with those kinds of questions. That, and he knows the answer. Xie Lian thinks he’s not worth it - he wants Hua Cheng to move on.

And that’s never going to happen.

Still, two days ago, another letter came from Gallaudet. He hoped it’d be a rejection letter. He wasn’t incredibly far off, all things considered. They knew about his record, but were impressed by his SAT scores – a test he’d taken for “fun” a few years ago. He’d gotten something like a 1380, his lowest area being the critical thinking section, because it required a bit of writing. Anyway, they wanted to arrange an in-person interview with him, allowing him an opportunity to make a proper impression, leaving his record out of it.

Worse, they wanted to meet in less than a month. June fourth, to be exact, all the way in Washington, D.C.

Like he can just… like he can just up and go all the way across the country for some interview… for a university interested in him… that he absolutely has no desire to attend…

A soft knock on the bathroom door, low to the ground. He sighs, lowering his head. “Go away.”

This is followed by the unmistakable whining of his young nephew, who was supposed to be taking a nap. Since he’s the only adult home, he has no choice but to open the door. After quickly slipping in his conformer (his least favorite thing ever), he positions his eyepatch, and pulls open the door, a cloud of steam whooshing into the hall. “What?” he asks firmly, yet much less meanly than he’d wanted.

The tiny child, hands on his hips, glares up at him. “I said, I have to pee!”

“Cool.” He brushes past the kid, wondering what’s taking his brother so long at the supermarket. He hates babysitting. He hates kids.

Though this time, he ought to thank his nephew. Another minute staring at his hideous reflection in the mirror might’ve actually driven him crazy.

.

“Again, on that thing!” His mother, having just finished the evening dishes, peeks around the corner, the long wired phone pressed to her ear. The cord is halfway across the house. “Uh-huh, that’s what I told him!” she says to whoever’s on the phone. “These portable computers will never take off. They’re such eyesores.”

“I wanna play.” His little nephew climbs up onto the couch, reaching for the computer. Hua Cheng uses his foot to push the child back. “Not a chance.”

The boy cranes his neck to see the screen. “Doing homework?”

“Yep.” Hua Cheng is actually working on his much-delayed response to Xie Lian’s question. He’d rather do this somewhere quiet, but it’s not fair to keep him waiting.

The boy sighs. Once, twice. It’s that horrible time in the evening when it’s after a bath, but too early for bed, when the kid is tired but not willing to turn in early. He’s restless from the rain. He’d rather be outside.

Hua Cheng can relate. He hasn’t been on his bike in weeks.

If you want to see what it looks like, I’d let you. But it’s jarring, even for me. I never thought I’d be squeamish with stuff like that, but—

No, what the fuck is he rambling about? What kind of answer is this?

Hua Cheng erases everything. He needs a better response.

And as he scowls down at the computer, trying to come up with one, he doesn’t notice his nephew sneaking around the backside of the couch, climbing behind him. Missing his peripheral view, he doesn’t see the boy curiously staring at his eyepatch.

And so he can’t stop him from ripping it off as he cries, “I wanna wear it!!”

Wincing as though stabbed all over again, he quickly shoots a hand up to cover his eye. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

Maybe it wasn’t the most appropriate response to a three year old’s actions. At the moment, he doesn’t care. If they weren’t blood, he’d launch this child from the window. And maybe he still will, actually —

“What’s going on in here?” His mother re-emerges, now off the phone. Her grandson isn’t even crying- just staring with wide, glassy eyes.

She notices his discarded eyepatch and quickly picks up her grandson. “A-Cheng, he’s only three.”

“Whatever.” Hua Cheng turns away to properly put the eyepatch back on. “I just can’t catch a fucking break.”

“Language,” she chides, patting the kid’s back.

Somehow, this infuriates him further. Without another word, he lugs the computer off the table, grabs his keys, and leaves the house. If his mother calls after him, he doesn’t hear.

If he didn’t break into that damn house, he’d have two eyes. It’s not like Xie Lian would’ve been found earlier. No, because of Hua Cheng’s rash actions, he fucked up his own life even further.

Maybe it would’ve been better if he’d died that day.

But before he can pity himself further, he notices a sleek black car parked at the end of his mother’s driveway, blocking in his bike. He looks up at the cloudy sky for strength. For patience. The detective getting out of the car is probably asking for the same thing.

“This isn’t a good time,” he tells the man, avoiding eye contact. He’ll fuck up the grass if he has to; he is not staying here.

“Just tell me if you recognize this man.” The detective sets a laminated paper down on the hood of his car, shining his flashlight on it. Hua Cheng sets down his helmet and puts a hand on his hip. He studies the picture for a few seconds. “I’ve never seen that man before in my life, but he’s got a similar facial structure to that body in the woods, I’d say.”

“It’s funny that you say that,” the detective taps the photo, “because we’ve just gotten back the DNA results. Our John Doe is actually a Mr. Lang, the owner of the house where Xie Lian was kept.”

.

May 9th, 1990

“I think I’ll drown my woes in booze for the rest of my life,” Shi Qingxuan bemoans, cracking open another wine cooler. They’re at Feng Xin’s house, as they have been for several weeks now, hiding out from their brother and avoiding answering He Xuan’s calls. Of course he’d cautioned Shi Qingxuan against staying in California, but there’s just too much at stake! And besides, it’s so boring at this time of year in Washington, and Shi Qingxuan hates the rain.

So… maybe they’re taking a break. Whatever, that’s tomorrow’s problem. Today’s problem is that the mystery surrounding Xie Lian’s disappearance just got blown wide fucking open.

The owner of the house Xie Lian was kept at, the man the police couldn’t get ahold of for weeks, was the one found dead in the woods back in March, after plummeting off a cliff while driving the white van Xie Lian confirmed as the one that took him.

And if Hua Cheng hadn’t been stabbed, the case would officially be closed: his kidnapper was this Mr. Lang, and he was dead.

But now, there’s either an accomplice or Mr. Lang was another victim. The police lean heavily towards the former.

He’d made numerous trips to California in recent years, and while he was not renting the home out on paper, his wife admitted that several of their properties were rented under the table to avoid costly repairs to bring the homes up to code. They were rented as is under discounted rates, and it wasn’t their business what people did while staying there.

His wife was reportedly blindsided by the allegations. They’d been separated for three years as he traveled the country, but she firmly denied him having anything to do with Xie Lian’s disappearance. Besides, Xie Lian never mentioned being left alone for long periods of time; he saw his captor just about every day, so how could it possibly be Mr. Lang?

But, as Shi Qingxuan has asked a hundred times in the past twenty four hours: how could Mr. Lang not know what was going on in his own basement? And how could he not at least keep a record of who was living in his house?

Maybe he did have a record, but who the hell knows what name it was rented under. Not like they can ask now.

“What do you have to worry about? You’re freshly single and it’s almost summer.” Feng Xin walks into the room, his son in his arms - close to sleep but refusing to be set down. He’s teething.

Shi Qingxuan shoots a glare his way. “Excuse me, I forgot life is just perfect right now, for me and everyone I know. My best friend doesn’t hate me, isn’t in witness protection, there isn’t a serial killer at large, my boyfriend didn’t dump me–”

“You said it was mutual,” Feng Xin corrects, sinking onto his sofa. It’s a soft plush with crayon stains on it.

“Whatever. Point is, everything sucks and I want to help, but I don’t know how.”

“It’s not up to you to figure this out. It’s not up to Hua Cheng either, whether he thinks so or not.”

“I don’t know, he’s yet to be wrong about something, which is why…” With complete seriousness, Shi Qingxuan spreads a mysterious deck of index cards across the table. “I’ve made these so we can go over the case.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. And I called Hua Cheng to come over, so I hope you don’t mind visitors.”

As if timed, the doorbell rings.

.

“November 12th, 1986, Xie Lian goes missing.” Shi Qingxuan pushes an index card to the center of the table while Hua Cheng studies the other cards, unmoving. “You were the last person with him and he’d skipped school over the past few days, so nobody else can confirm he was there. But you can–”

“He was there.” Hua Cheng rests his fist against his chin. “OK, what’s this about his professor?”

“Ah.” Shi Qingxuan pushes the card beneath the ‘Missing’ card. “Our psychology professor, Jun Wu, recently told me he and Xie Lian had engaged in some sort of unprofessional relationship prior to his disappearance.”

“What?” Feng Xin and Hua Cheng ask in unison. But Hua Cheng is already standing. “When did he tell you this?”

“A few weeks ago? Ah… I went to campus, and he was acting–”

“Who was acting?” Feng Xin asks, taking the card.

“Professor Jun was acting weird,” Shi Qingxuan clarifies. “And he said he’d wanted to see him, but knew Xie Lian wouldn’t want to. Um… I thought about him being a suspect, but wouldn’t the university find it suspicious if he missed a lot of work? He doesn’t own a white van, and he’s basically always on campus…”

Hua Cheng scowls down at the card. “You got a picture of this guy?”

“Um.. I don’t think so? But there’s a picture of him somewhere on the wall in the humanities building, a newspaper article, I think?”

“Take me there.” Hua Cheng takes off towards the door. Feng Xin is oddly quiet.

“What is it?” Shi Qingxuan asks, slowly pulling on their sweater.

“He looks fairly similar to Mr. Lang. What if he really is involved? Somebody right under our noses all this time… and Mu Qing, wouldn’t he have recognized his voice?”

He has a point. Mu Qing graduated from college a year and a half after Xie Lian went missing. Though he was a business major, he surely would’ve run into Jun Wu at some point, as he was a prominent professor on campus.

“Call him.” Shi Qingxuan decides. “Call him and ask if he remembers Professor Jun.”

Feng Xin trudges over to the wall phone. “I’ll try, but I haven’t spoken to him since the stabbing. I doubt he’ll answer.”

“I’m going!” Hua Cheng snaps from the hallway, fumbling with his jacket. “Are you coming or not?”

“Obviously! And wait! Feng Xin! Look up Professor Jun in the phonebook! You have a phonebook, don’t you? Once you find him, give Mu Qing the number and have him call and hang up, just to hear his voice!” Shi Qingxuan is shouting orders, running back and forth as they search for their missing shoe. The kid definitely took it. They’ll go barefooted if they have to - anything to figure out just who is behind all of this.

***

During

November 1989

Ling Wen finds herself working late almost every day and has given up on petitioning for fair overtime pay. It’s just standard at this point that she, a one woman show, will be responsible for tackling years of unfiled paperwork and solving every little problem the college of humanities faces on a daily basis.

The most recent problem? The stacking complaints against Jun Wu, one of their tenured professors. Apparently, the quality of his lectures is decreasing; he’s going off on lengthy tangents, taking ages to grade assignments and hardly leaving feedback, which if ever, is always vague, and is often late to class in the mornings.

Despite his chronic tardiness, he’s been staying late recently, too. His office light is all that illuminates the dark hallway of the professors’ corridor this evening. She can hear him typing on his desktop, the smell of coffee wafting through the air. And she clears her throat before pushing the door open with her toe. “Another late night?” she asks, her eyes immediately wandering to his computer. Like most faculty, he has research to publish – and he’s been behind on that too. It looks like that’s what he’s working on now.

He doesn’t turn around.

“Hey. If you keep typing at that rate, I’ll spend double the time proofreading.” She places a hand on his shoulder.

His typing pauses. She can see him, a small smile on his lips, through the desktop’s reflection. “I’m in an exceptionally good mood,” he says softly. “Are you here to ruin it?”

“Not at all. Just checking in. You know we worry about you.” She leans back against his desk. “What’s had you so busy recently? When you’re not shut up in your office, you seem to disappear off the face of the earth.”

“Remember that student who went missing?” Jun Wu suddenly asks, spinning around in his chair. There are bags under his eyes. “Xie Lian. Do you remember him?”

“Of course I do.” Ling Wen smooths the front of her skirt. “The police still come by now and then with questions.”

“It’s the persistence of that former boyfriend. Otherwise, nobody would’ve cared after the first month or so.”

“Nobody?” She tilts her head. “I know you care.”

“I don’t have a choice. Xie Lian is my muse.”

She looks down at him. Jun Wu, one of her closest colleagues, has always had a sense of humor, but not with matters like this. The room feels a little colder. “What do you mean?”

“I mean—” Jun Wu stands, sifting through the mess of papers on his typically tidy desk. “Since he disappeared, I’ve been so inspired, I’m researching and writing all the time. I want to take a sabbatical and keep going with it – I mean, this is going to be groundbreaking.”

“Can I have a look?” She reaches for the paper stack, but Jun Wu immediately places it out of her reach.

“No, not yet. Not until it’s done.”

She folds her arms. “You sound like you’ve gotten a big head about this. You should let someone else read it before you get too far into it. And, you know, are you conducting experiments? What are the ethics behind–”

He puts a finger to her lips. “Ling Wen. You really do worry too much. What are you still doing here so late, anyway? Loosen your corset a bit, relax. This school is going to shit anyway.”

There he is, back to the cajoling, almost flirtatious manner he always has when he’s avoiding something. For most people, it works. “I could say the same thing to you.” She crosses her legs. “And if that’s true, then come with me. Let’s get out of this place, get dinner. Your groundbreaking research can wait.”

“Dinner with you is worth more than my research? That can’t be right… there’s got to be something else added in to sweeten the deal, or I might just sleep here.”

She rolls her eyes. This man really is deplorable sometimes.

“Fine, but just this once.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

“Well, your benefits don’t roll over annually.”

“Oh, give me a break.”

So they’ve been a little more than colleagues for the past ten years, long before working at this college. When she moved here five years ago, he moved too. He said he had business in the area.

***

“So, what’s really been on your mind?”

Much later, they’re sitting out on the curb in front of Ling Wen’s house – one that she shares with her husband, who hasn’t come out of his room in three years. He says the world is too loud.

Jun Wu shrugs, taking a puff of one of her husband’s awful smelling cigars.

“No, you don’t get to do that, psychology professor. You have to psychoanalyze yourself. You can do it.”

“I can?”

“You do it to me all the time. You’d do it to him, too, if he’d come out of his room.” She curses under her breath. “Sometimes I wish he’d just die already.”

“That can be arranged,” he replies coolly.

And she smiles at this, gently nudging him. “Don’t talk like that, or I’ll have more paperwork to do.”

Jun Wu’s lips curl into a smile around his cigar. “He still won’t come out though? Not even after all that expensive therapy?”

“He will not. I think if I didn’t bring home groceries once a week he’d actually resort to eating the walls before going outside.”

He chuckles at this. “I know someone like that.”

She shoots a quick glance his way. If he does, why isn’t there a trace of pain on his face, thinking about such a person?

A cool gust of wind blows against her from behind. She’s never been one to believe in the supernatural, but inexplicably, it feels like someone is standing right behind her.

Or rather, like Xie Lian is standing right behind her.

“I’ve always meant to ask,” she begins uneasily, “Between us as friends, do you know what happened to Xie Lian? Or that other missing student at our former college, seven years ago? I always wondered, but I couldn’t ask. Still, you know you can trust me. God knows I’ve got my skeletons in the closet.”

She doesn’t expect a response. Rather, she expects him to dodge the question as always, lead her in circles. But, he surprises her. “Even if I did,” he says softly, “it doesn’t matter. They’re both dead.”

***

After

May 9th, 1990

“That was fun! I see why Xie Lian liked going out with you.” Shi Qingxuan breathlessly gushes as they climb off Hua Cheng’s bike. It’s almost dusk and nobody’s on this side of campus, leaving plenty of opportunity for a prowler to nab them… or, as Hua Cheng says, for them to snoop around in the professors’ corridor undetected.

Shi Qingxuan just hopes they don’t have to break in anywhere. While Hua Cheng doesn’t mind another charge on his record for the sake of Xie Lian, Shi Qingxuan’s brother would actually kill them. Both of them.

Hua Cheng is of one mind, though. He walks swiftly up to the entrance of the humanities building, not worrying about who he might face. He’s always been that way.

Shi Qingxuan follows a few steps behind. “So… do you think Xie Lian’s being kept in the loop about everything?”

“As much as he can,” Hua Cheng replies. He pulls open the door; so far, so good. “But I’m sure he’d rather not be pestered about this. He’s been drilled with the same questions for months now, and it never gets anywhere.”

They step inside. Most lights are off, giving the place an eerie sort of silence, perhaps amplified by the fact that they’re not supposed to be here. Shi Qingxuan stays directly behind Hua Cheng, just in case. “Uh, have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?”

Hua Cheng stops so abruptly that Shi Qingxuan bumps into him. “What?” He turns around to face them.

“S-Stockholm Syndrome? It’s this phenomena when–”

“I know what it is,” Hua Cheng snaps, “I want to know why you’re asking me.”

Shi Qingxuan’s main flaw, they’ve always felt, is their unwavering curiosity and determination to get answers. This would’ve been a perfect time to shut up. Instead, they reply, “Some people – not me, of course! – think that might be why Xie Lian isn’t giving much answers–”

“Who said that?” Hua Cheng demands, just short of a shout. So much for being discreet, Shi Qingxuan thinks. Hua Cheng looks like he’s about to take their head off – and maybe rightfully so! He knows more about Xie Lian’s situation than Shi Qingxuan does.

“I’m sorry.” Shi Qingxuan keeps their head down. “It was just a thought, but I shouldn’t have said it. I wouldn’t have thought it at all if it weren’t for Professor Jun, he’s the one that–”

And, most frighteningly of all, Hua Cheng laughs. But it’s not a pleasant one. His eye is full of bitterness, his laugh is that of someone who’s about to do something terrible to someone else. Shi Qingxuan takes a step back.

“That fucker…let me find out he’s the one behind this. Where’s his fucking office?”

Shi Qingxuan weakly extends a finger. “Th-That way? Number 144… There’s a bulletin board nearby with pictures—”

But Hua Cheng has already taken off down the hallway. Each classroom and office light is off, thankfully, because anyone would wonder what this strange, one-eyed, raging guy is doing in the humanities building at this time of day and probably get security involved.

Hua Cheng stops just short of Office 144, staring straight at the bulletin board, scanning every face for one he could recognize. Shi Qingxuan does too, but…

Nothing.

Professor Jun isn’t anywhere to be seen. Not in one picture.

And there’s gaps on the wall where photos of him and his students used to be.

Hua Cheng shakes his head in disbelief. “If this really is the guy… after all this time…”

“I don’t know that he is.” Shi Qingxuan walks over to Office 144, peering inside. “But he could be, and that’s more than we’ve had to go off since the beginning. Crap, it’s pitch black in there, I can’t see a thing.”

Hua Cheng bumps into them, twisting the doorknob. It opens, and he walks into the dark room.

“And if it is him,” Shi Qingxuan continues carefully, feeling the wall for the lightswitch, “wouldn’t Xie Lian have recognized him?”

Hua Cheng is facing away from them, staring into the dark room. “How would he have recognized a man in a mask, without hearing his voice? People didn’t recognize Superman with fucking glasses on.”

Finally, Shi Qingxuan finds the light, illuminating the office.

Or rather, what’s left of it: a dusty desk, a chair, and a few stray papers.

It is not the office of a tenured professor who has worked here for almost ten years. For a moment, Shi Qingxuan wonders if perhaps they’ve entered the wrong office.

That is, until they pick up one of the discarded papers on the floor; a graded essay, and the student had put the name of their teacher as Professor Jun.

Granted, the semester just ended, so maybe he is moving offices or just decided to clean up.

But that seems unlikely. He wasn’t the tidiest man to begin with.

Hua Cheng sifts through the remaining papers; nothing of significance. He curses under his breath. “We need to find an archive or something. He’s not getting away.”

Shi Qingxuan knew they were toeing the line of legality by being in this office in the first place. But their next suggestion would be full on illegal… oh, what the hell. “There’s an administration office down the hall that would probably have all the data on him. Uh… reason for leaving, reports against him, address… we could… we could check there.” They finish uncertainly, kind of hoping Hua Cheng will suggest going alone so Shi Qingxuan can do something less illegal, like keep watch. Keeping watch would be good.

“Show me.”

.

“Pick up, you idiot,” Feng Xin murmurs, phone still pressed to his ear on his third attempt at calling Mu Qing. In all the years he’s known him, Mu Qing always answers. He might berate you for calling, but he’ll answer. The likelihood of him being out with friends on a Tuesday evening is as likely as him having friends at all.

“Da!” his son cries, pointing at the TV. It had the audacity to go to commercial. He should’ve put a VHS tape in to avoid this, but the kid likes to pull the strings out of the tape. He’s an actual terror sometimes.

“You’ve reached the voicemail box of—” The voicemail message starts again and Feng Xin wants to punch through a wall. Of all times, why the fuck isn’t he answering?!

***

During

November, 1989

Wake up, wash up, spend extra long scrubbing between his legs, crossword, laundry, floors, fold, start dinner, change clothes, wait, serve, climb the stairs, read, fidget with the lock, out of time, downstairs, forget, forget, forget, sleep, repeat.

Days and years have faded together. He follows his routine, works at the lock, runs through the combinations in his head, and that’s it. He thinks it’s been perhaps two and a half years, but isn’t sure. It’s probably better if he doesn’t know – maybe it’s been longer than that, like years longer, and if it has he’d just want to give up and rot like he did for almost all of last year.

In some ways, he’s grown used to his routine here. There’s no joy, no feeling to it at all – he just goes through it. Says what he’s supposed to when his captor is here, sleeps every chance he can. He knows the only way out presently is figuring out the door combination. Until then, he shouldn’t fill his head with hope. Presently, there is none, and there hasn’t been in a long time.

He can’t think of that either. What he needs to think about is the possible combinations, and avoid the pain in his back. Tonight’s tests will be as many as he can get from 1000 to 1200, as these reflect the months he first started getting followed and eventually was taken here. He’s already tried every combination related to his birth month, which wasn’t it, and feels like he’s going in circles again. He probably is, but it’s all he has.

.

The man squatting in this abandoned house follows a very consistent routine. Every evening at half past six, he pulls up to the house in his 1978 Dodge Ram with tinted windows. He gets out of the car, opens the garage door, and pulls the van in. The garage is empty. Then, he walks into the house, shining a flashlight, and then it goes dark.

Hua Cheng hasn’t been able to properly circle the house, being that there’s neighbors on all sides, but there are few windows and old blinds drawn everywhere. The house stays dark, he can’t see the man, and he waits. Then, by seven in the morning, the man backs out of the garage and drives off. Hua Cheng has tried following him, but his patterns are always inconsistent and gas is too expensive to do this all the time. He suspects the man has multiple cars.

Sometimes while watching the house at night, Hua Cheng will tiptoe up onto the porch and put an ear to the wall, the door – and it’s always silent. If Xie Lian were here, the captor would have to be talking to him at some point.

He’s even left a recording device – nothing.

He started to think he was crazy.

And then, this morning, he saw the man bring in a bag of groceries, including raw meat.

He had to cook that somewhere, and if he was planning on being gone all day, why not just purchase groceries in the evening? The power seemed to be out in the home. Why leave meat out to spoil, unless someone else was there to cook it for him?

Today marks three years since Xie Lian disappeared. Maybe he’s not physically in this house; maybe he really is gone. But the man who lives here knows what happened to him, and that’s enough for Hua Cheng to decide to take things a step further.

He’s going in.

.

The sun is getting low in the sky, so Xie Lian needs to start dinner. Dinner has to be good. Dinner has to be perfect. That’s the best way to ensure a smooth evening here, allowing ample time to work on the combination, to read, and to sleep peacefully at some point tonight.

He scoots over to the floor table, sifting through the paper bag of groceries left for today. He shops early in the morning these days, claiming his favorite shop now closes too early in the evening, and he wants fresher meat at dinner.

From the looks of it, he wants some sort of stew; there’s cubed meat, tiny yellow potatoes, and a plethora of other ingredients: broth, seasoning, everything to make this stew exactly how he likes, never mind what Xie Lian likes.

Well, he’d better get started.

All he has is a butterknife, which makes cutting potatoes rather daunting. Most of the time, his captor brings canned potatoes for convenience, but tonight he seems to want to go all out – and avoid supplying a can opener, of course.

Cooking is a time of day he has mixed feelings about. Being able to do something with his hands is nice. It’s a distraction, and cooking for himself means that he can prep his own helping how he likes.

The downside is, the closer it is to dinner time, the closer it is to his captor’s return. Being alone is hard. Being with him is worse. Being on edge, watching him at all times, studying his lips for any thought to respond to, minding his words, it’s all exhausting. It’s exhausting and he has far too many more hours to spend awake.

Once the stew is boiling nicely, Xie Lian can’t ignore the way his eyelids droop any longer. He’ll take a quick nap under the stairs; his little hiding spot behind the washer and dryer. It’s warm back there. He leaves old newspapers down to soften the floor a bit and tries not to feel like a dog. Then, he stands the broom pole up tall, propped against his hand. He’ll need a head start when his captor comes downstairs.

.

The lock on the mudroom door of the house is flimsy, rusted out, so there’s a combination lock holding the door shut. Typical of a home that’s been abandoned for years hoping to avoid trespassers… or the escape of their victim. Hua Cheng uses wire cutters and the door pops right open.

The home smells of mildew and earth and stagnant air. He walks through the empty mud room, the empty kitchen whose refrigerator is empty and off, the empty dining room, and the empty living room. There’s not one sign of life and Hua Cheng starts to wonder if he perhaps imagined it all.

There’s one piece of furniture downstairs: a heavy, heavy oak cabinet that nearly touches the ceiling. It sits in the living room against the wall, and when Hua Cheng tries to move it, it doesn’t budge. He peers behind it at the wall that’s a bit differently colored than the rest and then a blade goes through his eye, being held by a man on the other side of the cabinet with a white masked face.

Hua Cheng doesn’t remember what exactly came next. Blood streamed through his vision and then went out. The masked man laughed, taunted him. He remembers dropping to his knees. Daring to reach up and touch the space where his eye had been. Choking on his own blood.

And that was it.

***

When dinner smells appetizing and the meat turns brown, the basement door opens. Xie Lian has of course thought about ambushing him with boiling water or the contents of whatever’s cooking on the stove, but the likelihood of him escaping just like that is slim. He tried it with the TV, and that was a disaster. He needs to be able to open the door himself and lock his captor in. That’s why he has to learn the combination.

His captor comes down the stairs and Xie Lian doesn’t face him, instead adding the finishing touches to the stew. It’s dark outside now, he’s not sure how long it has been, but it seems like his captor is a bit late. Traffic probably held him up.

His captor turns him around, gesturing towards a small red giftbag he’d set on the table. “Today is a special day, you know,” he says, clearly beaming beneath the mask. “I got you something to celebrate.”

“How thoughtful,” Xie Lian says quietly, forcing a tiny smile.

That is, until he notices the blood stains on his captor’s sleeves, partly hidden by his dark blue shirt. It’s still damp. “What happened?”

His captor walks over to the table, resting his elbow on it and a fist against his cheek. “Just ran into some trouble, but I handled it. It gave me an idea for your gift, anyway, so it turned into a good thing. Here, sit down, you can have it before dinner.”

“That’s OK—”

“I said sit.” And he’s not smiling anymore. If Xie Lian takes much longer to open the gift, he’ll probably lose it.

But he doesn’t want to open it. He doesn’t like gifts. Gifts mean showing gratitude. That’s the hardest thing for him to fake. The most mind-fucking thing to do.

Still, he sits, because he needs time to work on the combination this evening. To get time means to follow the rules.

His captor pushes the bag towards him. “I got this especially for you,” he says. “And it wasn’t easy to get, so appreciate it.”

The bag is light, but there’s something leaning to the side on the bottom.

He sees blood before he sees the eye itself.

Or rather, what’s left of it.

His captor was probably expecting a cry after his scream. For him to beg for it not to be so.

Instead, Xie Lian laughs. He laughs so hard his stomach hurts, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“What is it? You like it?” His captor asks with a teasing grin.

That grin is long gone when Xie Lian responds, “You sick fuck… I’ll kill you.”

His captor takes the bag from him. “No you won’t.”

“I’ll kill you… I’ll kill you… I’ll fucking kill you—” After years, after all the people his captor has killed, after all the horribly twisted ways he’s come up with to punish Xie Lian, he’s never felt more sure of his promise.

“No you won’t! Shut up already—”

But Xie Lian does not. He stands on the table and screams it to the heavens, making this promise in his very soul. He will kill this man. He feels a strength in him like never before, something his captor surely hadn’t anticipated by bringing him Hua Cheng’s eye.

Because this eye confirms Hua Cheng is still alive.

And he is still looking for Xie Lian.

I am getting out of here, San Lang, he promises. And I will kill him for what he did to you. For everything.

***

After

May 9th, 1990

She watches them wander the halls of this building, searching for her office. Looking for records that don’t exist. If they break into this office, she could get police involved. Or rather, she could get involved, because police do not belong in this office. Nobody needs to look closer than surface level, for their own good.

They are getting closer, so she picks up the phone and dials. It rings twice.

“You’d better run faster,” she tells the person on the other end, then hangs up and turns out the lights.

Chapter Text

During

February 13th, 1990

He sits at his desk during his mandatory office hours every Tuesday afternoon from 3:00-4:30. It’s 4:16 and time cannot possibly move slower. Contrary to the Dean’s beliefs, professors do have lives outside of school. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and he has a lot to do in preparation, starting with some shopping. He and his beloved will be taking a road trip tomorrow, as soon as he finishes his last class. That cute little remote cabin far into the Sierra Nevada is calling his name, and he’s sure his beloved will love it too. It’s been so long since his beloved has gone out. His beloved will be so grateful for the change of scenery.

They might even enjoy his most recent research article, which has such a promising start:

Virtually all scholarly discourse in the modern era has suggested kidnapping occurs for transactional purposes; that is, to gain something from an individual or corporation separate from the victim. However, by reviewing anecdotal evidence gathered from recent cases, this is not always the case. The perpetrator’s motivations may exist beyond transactional and instead steer into the realm of personal motivations: desire, obsession, and a perception of mutual feelings from the victim, causing them to act on them. Additionally –

Three slow knocks on his office door. Probably a nervous student upset about their recent essay grade. He closes out the tab. “Come in.”

But it’s not a student at all. Instead, he sees an unpleasantly familiar face: the detective responsible for Xie Lian’s homicide investigation.

“What a surprise,” Jun Wu says blandly. “What can I do for you?”

“I was hoping you had a minute to talk,” the detective says.

Jun Wu knows better than to say no. He puts on his friendliest smile. “Sure. Let me start by answering the question you ask at the beginning of every interview: I do not know how Xie Lian was killed.”

The detective slowly sits in the chair across from Jun Wu’s desk. “I wasn’t going to ask that.”

“It always comes up eventually,” Jun Wu replies.

“I just wanted to go over your last interactions with Xie Lian prior to his disappearance. Did you notice any unusual behaviors?”

He chuckles. “Oh, dear. I am very perceptive, but we weren’t very close. As I’ve said, he skipped school in the days before he disappeared. So did his friend, Mu Qing.”

“Mu Qing?” The detective raises an eyebrow. “The one who reported the van?”

“The one who reported the van. I can’t help but wonder how he got that information. And if you ask me, he always seemed oddly bitter around Xie Lian. An odd thing, considering Xie Lian was so reserved and innocent.”

He nods at Jun Wu. “Did you ever notice a white van around—”

“I already told you,” Jun Wu neatly folds his hands, “I’m not answering any unnecessary questions. I have a reputation to upkeep and I’ve told you everything I know – I was here the day he disappeared, the records will show that, and Mu Qing was absent. Do with that what you will.”

After

May 25th, 1990

“With five days until the first group of campers arriving, we call this Hell Week,” Mei Niangqing explains on yet another drive into town. This time, Yushi Huang is joining them, squished into the middle seat of the truck. She rolls her eyes at him.

“Hell Week is every week with those kids.” She corrects.

“It’s fun!” Mei Niangqing argues back, “And these kids provide free labor, which means less work for you.” He parks in front of the grocery store. “Eleos, you meet us back here in an hour, OK?”

“Yep.”

For the past five weeks, he’s been going to therapy appointments while Mei Niangqing or Yushi Huang do the shopping.

But two weeks ago, he thought about the horribly stuffy office, the stern-eyed therapist, the sessions going nowhere, and decided to wander the opposite direction of the man’s office. He sat down in a bar and realized he had no ID to get himself a drink.

The bartender smiled and said, “That’s OK, I can tell you’re over 21,” and just about broke him.

His age was really showing these days. Maybe, being almost twenty-eight, it would’ve happened anyway, but he didn’t get to see himself go from early to late twenties. He didn’t get to see his own reflection until the first time he used the bathroom at the hospital.

He can’t avoid it as much here, being there are multiple mirrors in Mei Niangqing’s house. It still upsets him, so he’s resorted to thinking Eleos looks good today in passing to cope better. Because Eleos does look good. The sun on his skin has been good for him. The water here is great and the shampoo has made his hair much softer and silkier. He’s getting a little more sleep, mostly due to his exhaustion from long days on the farm.

He likes the cows more than he thought he would. His favorite is a solid brown heifer named Daisy. She’s gentle, doesn’t mind being milked, and has kind eyes. Her fur is soft. Sometimes he gives her an extra brushing at the end of the day and talks to her about parts of his past that not even Hua Cheng knows.

Anyway, he heads over to the bar again and orders himself a drink. He never drinks much, but he likes to lounge in the corner and watch TV. Sometimes it’s sports, sometimes it’s comedy specials or world news. He prefers sports. They’re easier to follow.

When the hour his appointment was to occur during is up, he heads out, leaving a tip for the bartender on his way.

***

The first few days of camp are absolute chaos all around. Twelve children arrive on the farm Monday morning, the campers –six boys and four girls between the ages of ten and fifteen, and two older teenagers – a brother and sister – to help supervise each little cabin.

Mei Niangqing says this is one of the smaller groups. July will be their busiest once everyone’s officially out of school, and they have groups of over twenty arriving by July 9th. Nobody comes during the 4th of July week, allowing everyone time to clean up, recharge, and prep for the upcoming county fair.

Xie Lian starts the day prepping the mess hall (a glorified pavilion) for the campers. He was asked if he could cook, and he asked not to start or finish the day with cooking. He could do lunches, dishes, serving food… but if it wasn’t an inconvenience, he’d like to avoid it.

Fortunately, Mei Niangqing said it was no problem. Yushi Huang was a better cook anyway. So he sets the tables, wakes up the campers, and collects their piles of laundry in a big cart to take up to the house and wash. Later, one or two campers will help him hang them out to dry, even though he’d much rather work alone.

Mei Niangqing runs the show, though. He teaches these children everything he knows, but largely leaves them to wander the perimeter of the farm’s fencing. He says the freedom they have here is something they rarely can find at home.

Xie Lian can relate, except he doesn’t quite have freedom here, either. Not except for that hour in town; besides then, everyone always knows where he is.

For the most part, he’s avoided the kids. The teenagers are interested in him, but he has to be careful. No one can know who he really is, so he’d much rather stay out of the way.

Curfew is at 9:00 and Xie Lian heads inside by 9:30. The rest of the house quiets down shortly after, so once he’s showered, he tip-toes downstairs again and into the home office, where he checks for emails from Hua Cheng. There’s been fewer of recent, farther apart too, because Hua Cheng is about to travel to Washington, D.C. for his interview at Gallaudet and has spent all his time working to afford such an endeavor. To his dismay, there’s still no message.

San Lang,

Busy day today. I’m tired and hoping it isn’t this hard for the rest of the summer. When are you leaving for D.C.? I’d wish you luck, but you really don’t need it.

Also, any updates on anything? I can’t believe it’s been two months already. I feel like time doesn’t exist here.

To his surprise, an email pops up shortly after.

Gege,

I actually already left.

I had the option to fly. That would’ve been the smart option. But the cops want me out of their hair and I’m going crazy sitting at home, so I started driving and didn’t stop until I was out of gas somewhere in Nevada. That was four days ago. Today I’m in Illinois and sick of sitting, so I decided to explore a bit. Weird, I know. But the Great Lakes are cool and deep dish pizza is great. I wish I could send you a postcard. I’m keeping them in a little book and plan on giving them all to you when we can see each other again.

When I’m done with this interview, I plan to keep driving indefinitely. Let me know when I can pick you up.

Imagine that, traveling indefinitely. That’s what Xie Lian wants to do. Instead, he’s stuck here, indefinitely. Probably permanently. Just before he clicks reply, another message pops up.

By the way, how’s the shrink sessions going? You haven’t talked much about the deep stuff – I think that conversation thread has been abandoned for a week now. Feeling OK?

Xie Lian stares at the last paragraph for a long time. How does he answer that? How does he tell him that the reason he’s kept quiet is because a) he hasn’t been going to those appointments, and b) he feels better the more he pretends that it never happened at all, that… that Xie Lian doesn’t exist at all?

It’s not really fair to not say anything. Hua Cheng was candid enough about his eye: The truth is, I’m really insecure about it. I’m trying not to be, but I hate looking at myself, more than I ever did before. I got a prosthetic eye finally, but I haven’t worn it. Everyone knows I lost one, why pretend I have two? And maybe… maybe I think it looks dumb. I wish I could show you so you could be the judge.

He was being vulnerable. Open. And he wants Xie Lian to do the same because he knows it’ll be good for him.

But Xie Lian doesn’t want to. More than anything he just wants to forget. To start over, too, but mostly forget about everything. If his memory could be wiped, he’d do it. And he’d fall in love with Hua Cheng all over again with a clean slate and tell him how nice his prosthetic eye looks. Move in with him, sleep in a bed with him, make love without—

NEW MESSAGE

You still there? If not, goodnight, sleep well.

For the first time since signing into this computer all those weeks ago, Xie Lian decides not to reply. He pushes the power button and retires up to bed.

***

June 4th, 1990

Hua Cheng sighs deep enough to drain his lungs and leans back against the administration building. He did it. The most nerve wracking interview of his life and he did it.

The prosthetic eye feels weird. Out on the road, he prefers the patch, but that didn’t look very professional, very I’m-Not-Actually-A-Jailbird, I-Was-Just-Searching-For-My-Kidnapped-Boyfriend.

He doesn’t like to celebrate early, but it did seem like the admission interview went extremely well. They were impressed by his test scores, but even more so at his eloquence and experiences. At any rate, they want him to stay in D.C. for a few days. There was even talk of a Work-Study program, so…

He made a good impression. Somehow. And in less than a few day’s time, he could be accepted to the college he and Xie Lian both wanted to go to. Except when that promise was made four years ago, Xie Lian was supposed to already have graduated. He would teach here, and Hua Cheng would enroll as a freshman. They would rent an apartment together off-campus and figure life out together one day at a time.

Now Xie Lian’s god knows where, growing vaguer by the day about his true feelings. He’s just as sweet, but he won’t talk about the past at all. Hua Cheng doesn’t want to push it, but he knows it’s not good for him to keep everything bottled up.

That’s why I need to be there with him, Hua Cheng thinks, palming his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. He’s got to stop smoking. Xie Lian doesn’t like it.

Ten minutes later, someone comes bursting out of the administration building, looking for him.

“Your application has been accepted,” she says with great enthusiasm, “and we’d love to have you in our Work-Study program. When do you want to start?”

***

SUBJECT: Checking In (2 DAYS AGO)

Hey. I’m sorry if I upset you about the shrink question.

Thing is, since there’s a serial killer on the loose, you can’t just go cold on me without saying anything. I get worried. I am worried.

If you don’t want to talk, I get it. But I do have something to tell you.

Xie Lian feels wicked as he stares at the message. In fairness, he’s been extremely busy with the campers. And tired. And just… not willing to talk. He gets into his daily routine and forgets who he was. Sometimes that feels good.

He wants to keep feeling good.

So he replies:

Hard to access computer because of where it’s located and others have been on it/monitoring it. Might not hear from me for a while. I’m sorry. Talk to you soon, promise.

***

Hua Cheng doesn’t hear from him at all in the days that follow. He lingers in Washington, D.C., touring each and every museum, wasting his days with nothing else to do. He’s in constant debate with himself, like one side of his brain is still convinced he’s not good enough for college, and the other is far too excited about the prospect, this opportunity he’s secretly longed for since he was a teenager.

But he was not from a college family. His mom graduated pregnant and had two under two before she could even think about her future. His dad, bastard as he was, had a terrible school experience and dropped out in the eighth grade. He knew the trades were more valuable, but that was the fifties. Every employer wants a high school diploma these days, and every kid of his generation wants the college experience.

Even people like him.

If he attends this fall, he’ll need to be back here in two months, but he’d made it clear from the start he wasn’t sure if he’d be ready to move across the country on such short notice and the spring semester might work better.

But if Xie Lian is alright, not going anywhere, and can’t see him, it wouldn’t hurt to get a semester of school out of the way. He can’t deny the idea of choosing classes from dozens, if not hundreds of subjects, piques his interest. He doesn’t even know where he’d begin – social sciences, the arts, chemical sciences or even astronomy?

He stands in the center of the lobby at the Air and Space museum, staring up at the old airplanes of the Wright Brothers era alongside fighter jet prototypes. What kind of power does it take to send a rocket into space? What would happen if the rocket just kept on going – far past the moon, where would it go?

Where could he go, if he’d only apply himself? If, for once in his life, he believed that not even the sky was the limit?

***

On June 10th, he opens his inbox to a new message.

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and I hope you have a fantastic day.

You have no idea how long it took to make that. The kids I’m staying with have taught me a lot.

I still owe you a birthday card and lots of kisses when I see you next. I miss you and I hope you do something nice for yourself today.

How did your interview go?

Hua Cheng grins down at the silly little drawings, his heart feeling lighter than it has in weeks. We’ll be together soon, gege, he promises. I won’t go to school until I see you.

***

She’s pacing back and forth, waiting for the postman to come by with today’s mail like she does every day. Because any day now, a letter from a woman named Liu Yan, a woman who has seen her son, may arrive.

The first letter came in May.

She responded, and the next came in June. Now, somehow it’s almost July.

Liu Yan has admitted she doesn’t know where Xie Lian is, but she had the privilege of looking after him for a few weeks before he was sent away. She’s answered every question dutifully, putting the picture together for her.

And that’s why she can’t go to California now, because it’s abundantly clear: she knows who took her son.

And worst of all, she’d asked that man outright. How passionate he was in his insistence that he was innocent! But really, how could it be anyone else?

There he was at her doorstep, just two days after her son was reported missing, taking her hand, promising to do anything he could to help find him. Xie Lian was important to him too, he said, and they’d gotten to know each other quite well.

He was there the day the DNA match came in, a month after that horrible, horrible afternoon when she had to identify the bloodstained clothing found on a cliffside. Somehow, it still smelled like him.

He came with a colleague – another middle aged man who worked in his department, who had known her son. He brought flowers. Her husband asked about him.

Finally, her nephew brings in the day’s mail. And there’s her letter, all the way from the United States, at the top of the pile. Thicker than usual.

She tears it open in the front hall; her only connection to the outside world, to the life she left behind.

Inside is a two paged letter and a collection of photos – her own photos that she’d left behind in Fremont the day she tried to die. In the letter, Liu Yan says her son and Xie Lian found them while cleaning up the house. She looks at the first photo and it’s as though she’s stung. It’s recent.

After her son graduated high school, she never got many pictures of him. He was shy and claimed he’d rather take pictures of nature or the places they went, not what he looked like. Anyway, this had started to skew her memories; when she thought of him, she saw him as a teenager. Not a grown man in his late twenties.

It’s not a bad photo. He’s by the water with a group of friends – she remembers their faces, but not their names. They were part of the search.

She avoids looking at his face, instead pointing out Liu Yan’s son. He’s the tallest of the group, quite good looking in spite of his eyepatch. She always thought so, from the moment she met him. And she imagined he was quite the heartbreaker growing up, with that tall, muscular build, jet black hair and leather jacket. But she had one lingering thought then, and the same one now: he does not seem like the type her son would be friends with. What on earth would they have in common?

And then, her eye catches a hand touching her son’s waist in the photo. His hand. Hardly detectable, almost out of sight. But still there.

What exactly is the nature of their relationship? Does Liu Yan know about it?

***

July 4th, 1990

Hua Cheng blinks up at the ceiling of an unfamiliar hotel room in a city he never thought he’d visit.

He also never thought he’d be in a hotel room with Shi Qingxuan, Mu Qing, and Feng Xin, yet here they are. At least he got the bed to himself; otherwise, he’d have a lot of explaining to do to Xie Lian, should they ever meet again. They’ve sent maybe four emails since last month, and it would’ve been much rougher if Hua Cheng hadn’t been doing so much traveling. In the past month, he’s gone straight across the country, from D.C. (too crowded) to Florida (too hot) and back west again (too empty). He’s stayed at motels, rest stops, slept under the stars, and drove through the night. He’s seen landmarks and roadkill and protests and parades, and he has no desire to go home anytime soon because there’s just so much more to see. The one place he’s saving is New York; Xie Lian wants to go there too, and he wants them to experience it together.

So, how did he get here?

Four days ago, he got an email from a different address. He’d given his email to Shi Qingxuan on an emergency basis. The emergency (or lack thereof) was a request to call Mu Qing as soon as he could.

Mu Qing was pretty brief on the phone after he finally answered on Hua Cheng’s fourth attempt at calling.

He told him to come to Las Vegas on the 4th of July. That’s when Jun Wu would be there.

Hua Cheng looks over at Mu Qing on the opposite bed. How do you know? He’d asked, immediately suspicious.

Because he’s been stalking me, Mu Qing replied, and I’ll probably be his next victim if we don’t stop him first. July 4th, around 8:00 PM. There’s a party at the X Casino hosted by a man called Pei Ming. He’ll be there, so you have to be there.

***

Xie Lian spends time in the barn loft on the days the animals are outside. After cleaning out their stalls, all he wants to do is collapse onto the ground in defeat. But if Mei Niangqing sees him without work, he’ll fix that in a heartbeat, so he hides up here, lying on the hay barrels. He stares up at the wooden ceiling and just thinks. Sometimes a barn cat or two will rub against his legs before running off to chase a mouse.

He’s been here for three months. The first week or two was hell, and the work is hard, but there’s no denying that he’s comfortable here. He’s found relative peace – or something close to it, anyway – in the quiet life here. He has daily tasks like before, but no consequences if he doesn’t follow them. There are people around, but he can go places where no one bothers him.

He can breathe in fresh, clean air, he can look out windows and decide whether or not he wants to go outside, he can bathe when he wants, eat when he wants, sleep when he wants. Sure, he had no true restrictions on him while staying with Hua Cheng’s family, but… now is different.

He’s safer here. And as a result, freer. His captor, wherever he is, clearly has no idea where Xie Lian is. When Xie Lian thinks of his panic, his frantic searching, his anger, he smiles. May he sit with that discomfort for the rest of his bitter life.

A breeze blows in from the upper windows and smells of rain. Shortly after, thunder rumbles the ground beneath him. Time to let the animals in. Some of them are afraid of storms. Daisy, especially. She’ll probably be waiting right outside the door.

But when he climbs down the ladder, there she is, standing right out in the open. This big, brown cow with her kind eyes has honestly startled him. She flicks her tail, staring at him straight on.

“Daisy, how’d you get in here?” He asks, taking a cautious step forward. He wonders how many people have been killed by cows.

She makes some sort of response, her moo rumbling the ground below him. Sighing, he looks outside. The other cows are enjoying the incoming storm. It’s not raining yet.

“Why are you hiding in here instead of enjoying the breeze?” He signs to her (she seems to understand). “All your friends are outside. They’re not scared of a little thunder. But here you are, sneaking inside before there’s even any rain. Why are you so cautious?” He storms over to her stall, tugging open the door. Annoyingly, she walks right in. “You could be dead.” He tells her, his face growing hot. “You cows are so fickle. The vet’s here every other week. Or if you were a boy, Old Teacher might not have saved you in time and you’d be on someone’s dinner plate. You were never guaranteed a long life. You’re already old. Yet here you are, Daisy. Hiding inside, scared of a little rain. Is that it? Are you scared? Or do you just not care?”

She buries her head in her trough, unimpressed.

He scowls at her, backing away from the stall. He pushes open the barn door and gestures outside. “Daisy. Daisy!”

The cow doesn’t bother looking up. Her stall is open, the door is open. She just wants to be inside. “You need to care. You need to care! You might die tomorrow, so you need to care! Stop being afraid!”

The sky has grown darker during his tantrum. Still, more than anything, he wants Daisy to take a step out of her stall. If there wasn’t the risk of being crushed, he’d push her out of there.

A bolt of lightning illuminates the sky, and then the downpour begins, sending a good amount of the animals slowly heading towards the barn. Daisy winks at him.

“You’re terrible. So stupid.” He jabs a finger her way. “Forget I tried to help you. You’ll feel really stupid when a pack of wolves or a bear ambushes you and you realize you never even knew what it was like to live before you died.” And with that, he trudges out into the rain. It cools his flaming skin, at least.

.

Mei Niangqing is waiting on the porch for him. By the time the animals were put away, Xie Lian was soaking wet and in an uncomfortably restless mood. He doesn’t want to be inside.

“You good?” He asks, holding out a towel.

Xie Lian sinks down onto the porch swing, dabbing his face with the towel. He likes the unscented detergent Mei Niangqing has here. “I’m fine. Daisy was annoying me.”

“My sweet Daisy? That’s a first.”

Lightning strikes again, the thunder making Mei Niangqing flinch. “OK, let’s go in. When the storm settles a bit, take a shower. Don’t want you getting sick.”

.

Xie Lian sat on the edge of his bed, brushing through his damp hair. The storm left as quick as it’d came, thankfully not ruining everyone’s holiday plans. Not that he’d know anything about it. Mei Niangqing doesn’t like to do much for the holiday, besides having an excuse to make Yushi Huang barbecue. Lunch was fantastic, still sitting hard in his stomach. Too bad there wouldn’t be fireworks, but he gets it; Mei Niangqing doesn’t like it, and he’s been accommodating enough to him about everything that bothered him. Yushi Huang says she’s thankful not to hear a week straight of fireworks and TNT being set off, but she would like to light a sparkler or something. That made Xie Lian nauseous and he smoothly excused himself for the shower.

Sparklers hurt. They can reach up to 2000 degrees. He’s felt that. He’s…

The lights flicker and Yushi Huang stands there in the doorway, towel tucked under her arm. “I have a proposition. It might sound crazy, and you can say no…”

“What is it?”

She glances behind her, then steps into the room and leans back against the door. “So there’s this party.”

It does sound like an immediate no, but Yushi Huang doesn’t seem like the partying type, either. If she’s asking, it must be something interesting, at least. “Dad wants us to go out. He locks himself in his room and watches his shows every 4th of July, but doesn’t want us to do the same. The problem is, he recommends the local saloon, and that’s a drag. There is, however, another party going on…”

“Where?” He wonders why she’s so nervous. What, is it a sex party or something? Drugs involved? He’s not that prudish.

She looks down. “Vegas.”

“What??”

She hurries over to the bed, sitting down next to him. “I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out…” She quickly explains that a pilot friend of hers, a man she met last year at the rodeo, is attending a party in Las Vegas, hosted by a friend of his. It’s pretty exclusive and will include fireworks, drinks, games, life beyond the frontier, as Yushi Huang says. “And I love it out here and really do hate the city life and being around most people,” she adds, “but I’ve been feeling really depressed lately with all these kids around. I think it would be good for me, but I can’t possibly go alone.”

“Why not?” Xie Lian asks, still totally against going himself. A party in Vegas? He’s supposed to be in witness protection!

“The pilot, my friend? He’s in love with me. I don’t want him getting the wrong idea if I go with him.”

“You want me to be a third wheel?”

She puts her hands together in prayer. “I’m asking you to have fun with me on an all expense paid overnight trip to Vegas, yes.”

He gets up, walking over to the window. The cows have gone outside again. Except Daisy, of course. She loves staying inside. “I’m not allowed to leave..” He says weakly. Even if he could leave, because he has been invited to a few parties over the course of his college years, he’d definitely lack the courage to go. It’s overwhelming being around so many people. He gets self-conscious easily, and people never know how to talk to him. Xie Lian doesn’t go to parties.

But he wonders if Eleos did.

Eleos probably met his boyfriend at a party. He wasn’t a party animal by any means, but he was social. Friendly, never awkward, fun to be around. Charming, even. His boyfriend took one look at him from across the room and just fell right in love. And Eleos, being the young brave man he was, walked right up to him and asked him to dance.

Because even though Eleos was afraid of things, he still did them. He faced them because he knew he would only be young once.

“Hey, El?” She touches his arm. He doesn’t flinch. “I think you should take a chance here. Let’s do something fun before the kids think we look too old to be cool.”

Xie Lian will stay home and brood in his room tonight, same as always. But Eleos takes a breath, nods, and steps forward. “We can’t go looking like this,” he says. “Will you help me look the part?”

***

“What… what am I?”

They are looking in the bathroom mirror together. The room reeks of hairspray and slightly burnt hair. Yushi Huang’s hair is crimped and Xie Lian’s is in a high ponytail, teased and crimped too. The mascara and eyeliner was standard, but he’s not sure how he feels about the streak of blue across his eyelids. It’s certainly fun.

She’s put him in a red button down and ties it off just below his navel and new Levi’s that hug his waist nicely. The cowboy boots seem a bit much.

“My hope is,” she pats his shoulder, “my pilot friend will look at you much more than he looks at me.”

.

The next hour is nothing short of a whirlwind.

They leave the farm and arrive at an airport at a quarter after six. Most of the planes are relatively small, abandoned, and the airport itself is dead. And then there’s Pei Ming.

Pei Ming is a conventionally attractive man in his mid-thirties with a smoldering gaze and a shiny white charter plane to his name. He knows how to dress, too, but plays up his pilot persona with a captain’s hat. And even though Yushi Huang was right, it is clear he’s in love with her, that flirtatious persona hugely dissipates when she talks to him. He goes quite serious, formal – almost nervous, and eager to please.

Xie Lian finds it cute.

Yushi Huang finds it annoying.

He wonders if Pei Ming knows she’s technically still married, or if he’s the type that wouldn’t care. Probably the latter.

Despite his flirtatious mannerisms, there is something to like about him: the way he treats Xie Lian. First, he offers a handshake, thanking him for coming in a clear – but not overly exaggerated– voice. And then he offers a handwritten note explaining the process of their flight: how long it’ll take, what takeoff is like, and where they are landing.

So he’s not quite sure what Yushi Huang doesn’t like about him.

.

The takeoff is horrible.

It’s not Pei Ming’s fault, in fact, as he seems to be an incredible pilot and lifts the plane off the ground with no turbulence. The problem is how high they are going, and how much Xie Lian can see from this little plane. It’s not as smooth as a jet would be from the passenger’s perspective. For one, you don’t normally see the pilot at all during the flight, as far as he knows.

But he’s seated right behind Pei Ming, watching his every move, and has an unobstructed view of possibly the entire world from out the many windows.

When he looks down at the quilt-like farmlands below, his stomach twists and he decides not to do that anymore.

It’s easier to look ahead at the thick, fluffy clouds. Like a kingdom in the sky.

So high off the ground, far, far away from all his troubles. If only he could always be this way, or all the way into outer space, until the earth looks like a speck and all its problems and people are a thing of the past. Maybe NASA is hiring.

***

Thanks to timezones, it’s not even eight o’clock yet by the time they arrive at the party venue. When he’d heard it was hosted by a friend of Pei Ming’s, he’d thought it would be held at a large house, not a casino. He tells Yushi Huang as much.

“A casino is much more fun,” She squeezes his hand. “We can make a bit of money before heading home.”

Home, huh, he thinks, fixing his gaze ahead. What might it be like to call someplace home again?

“And just so you know,” Pei Ming walks backwards in front of them, a flirtatious smirk on his face, “I’m close with the owner. It’s invite only, and there’s plenty of fun to be had. Just stay on the first floor if you only want to get a little lucky this evening.”

Yushi Huang shoulders him out of the way. Oddly enough, Pei Ming’s nonchalant persona fades and he actually looks a bit worried. “But I’ll be downstairs the whole time..”

They’re offered drinks the moment they walk through the door, and Xie Lian happily accepts. This place is crowded with people; whether at the slot machines, tables or the dancefloor. He’s forgotten there could be so many people in one place. Still, those at the slot machines are less rowdy, so he pulls Yushi Huang in that direction.

“You said you were really unlucky!” She reminds him, sinking down in front of a machine.

Xie Lian is, he almost says, sitting beside her. “I want to try anyway.”

Because Eleos is actually quite lucky, in spite of his name. He takes a breath and grabs the lever. At the very least, he’s only losing out on two quarters. But he’s not going to lose.

He pulls the lever and sits back.

7

… 7

… … 7!

The machine flashes its lights and Xie Lian stares at it in shock. He won?

OK, it was probably beginner’s luck. Yushi Huang says something similar, arms folded in displeasure at her results – a total mixed bag.

But then he tries again.

Gold bars…

Gold bars…

Gold… fucking… bars!

What’s going on? And why is this so addictive?!

.

Two drinks and a trip around every game in the building later, his pockets are thick and heavy. Yushi Huang’s gone to sulk somewhere after only losing money (it would seem as though their luck had switched out) and Xie Lian wanders over to the bar. He can afford more than free drinks now!

Somehow Pei Ming has wandered up onto the stage. His friend, the host, wears an interesting Uncle Sam mask, which is a bit off putting. It looks like they’re trying to sing Elvis. The crowd seems into it.

He sits down at the bar, doing his best to avoid looking at the stage. He doesn’t like masks.

Halloween is going to be difficult, isn’t it?

The bartender comes over shortly after with a pink beverage and a little cupcake that Xie Lian had noticed on the dessert table earlier. “What’s this?”

“The gentlemen on stage want to make sure you eat.” He says with a smile. “Enjoy.”

He thinks of Alice in Wonderland, with those conspicuously placed treats. Eat Me, Drink Me. He hopes he doesn’t crash through the ceiling, but being as small as an ant wouldn’t be nice either.

The drink tastes nice.

***

Hua Cheng and the Three Stooges arrive at the casino closer to nine o’clock. Since the party was invite only and they weren’t staying at the hotel above the casino, they had to weasel their way in through the staff entrance and then find their way through the labyrinth back to the casino. Shi Qingxuan can’t stop talking about how excited they are to be in Vegas, and Feng Xin can’t stop complaining about the amount of indecencies they saw on the way here.

Hua Cheng, however, just wants to ditch all three of them and find the lowlife himself. It’s hot in here, he’s tired from the ride, and sorely missing his boyfriend. This is the last way he wants to spend his holiday weekend.

When Shi Qingxuan starts talking about potential disguises, Hua Cheng finally cuts them off. “So the guy we’re looking for–”

“Pei Ming,” Mu Qing interrupts.

“Whatever, he should know where Jun Wu is if we don’t see him ourselves. But you’ve chosen the worst fucking time.”

\

“It’s not like I had a lot of options–”

“Shush.” Shi Qingxuan pinches their nose. “Pei Ming is a flirt. He doesn’t go to parties like this just because; he’s looking to hook up, right?”

“On that, I can’t say exactly.” Mu Qing admits. “I’ve been here for two days and he hasn’t been around any women. Just meetings…”

“And skipping his singing lessons, I fear,” Shi Qingxuan nods ahead at the peacock on the stage, putting on his best show. They could do much better than this sorry excuse of a man, honestly!

“Can we put him out of his misery?” Feng Xin murmurs, covering his ears. Hua Cheng takes out his hearing aid.

“He’ll be finished soon. The fireworks start at 9:30.”

“Christ, it’s brutal. I’m gonna go scope out his room,” Hua Cheng says, calling over his shoulder, “You said 817, right?”

“Hua Cheng…” Shi Qingxuan warns, “Please stop trying to get arrested!”

He doesn’t listen, as usual, and heads upstairs.

“Now what?” Feng Xin folds his arms.

“Like I said,” Mu Qing snaps, “when he’s done with this awful singing, we’ll wave him over here and ask him.”

“What makes you think he’ll answer us?”

Shi Qingxuan taps their chin. “He won’t answer you two, but I think I can speak his language. Give me five minutes!”

And they too are gone, leaving just Feng Xin and Mu Qing.

“It’s been awhile,” Feng Xin says blandly, staring at the floor. “You like it in Chicago?”

“I had to get as far away from home as possible.”

“Sure you did.”

“If the feds were breathing down your neck, you might try moving too!” Mu Qing was a bit too loud and took a step back into the hallway. “You have no idea how shitty it’s been all this time.” He continues in a much lower voice. “What reason would anyone have to think I did it? Xie Lian knows me. I don’t match the description at all.”

“Is there even a description to go off at this point?”

“Yeah. College professor, six foot three, mid forties, goes by the name Jun Wu. It has to be him. I’d bet my life on it.”

“I don’t want to bet anything,” Feng Xin replies stiffly. “I don’t want to die over this. I just want justice.”

The music concludes, finally, and everyone is told to head outside to watch the fireworks show. Unfortunately, Pei Ming is the first to go. “I’m a fast runner,” Feng Xin says under his breath, taking off through the crowd.

Mu Qing lingers behind, watching the other performer slowly descend from the stage. Who’s under that mask? And why isn’t he going outside with the others?

For the past six weeks, he’s been stalked by a masked individual in Chicago. He’d like to pretend he was brave enough to confront them, knowing who it could possibly be under that mask, he was terrified. As surprising as it may sound, he doesn’t want to die.

When his boss sent him here to wine and dine a potential new client, Mu Qing hoped the masked man wouldn’t get the memo.

He did.

Mu Qing first noticed him three nights ago, and that’s when he finally had enough. Still, he wasn’t stupid enough to confront the man on his own; with Hua Cheng desperate to get at him, it seemed wise to bring him into the situation.

If anything, this has taught him how awful the situation was for Xie Lian for all that time. First being followed, then stalked, then taken. And then he had to stay with that monster for years, at the mercy of a man obsessed with him – and still obsessed with him. That’s why he likely tipped the police off on Mu Qing being involved, anything to keep him out of police custody longer, to pursue Xie Lian longer.

He’d been interviewed eleven times over the past three years: four times after discovering the van, and seven times in the past four months since Xie Lian was found. Mu Qing’s under the impression that no one thinks he’s the mastermind of Xie Lian’s kidnapping, but rather an errand boy of sorts. How ridiculous.

How insulting.

How… calculated.

He loses sight of the masked man somewhere in the casino, but the nearest elevator shuts and is heading to the top floor, so Mu Qing takes the stairs.

.

Xie Lian decides to do some exploring. What was on the upper level that Pei Ming was so interested in? A pool, perhaps? A pool would be nice; he hasn’t swam in forever.

Halfway up the stairs, he looks down and notices the steps are turning sideways. He sinks down, clutching the railing. “Gotta be careful, the ship’s sinking…” He murmurs, slowly crawling up the remaining steps. He goes upside down at some point, but makes it to the top nonetheless. He feels really hot and hopes the pool is nearby.

He stumbles into the nearest room off the stairwell; some sort of lounge with yet another bar. Awesome! He could definitely use another drink.

The room is a bit hazy – like smoke, but it smells sweeter. That’s part of the reason he doesn’t notice the others in the room and instead spins right onto the barstool.

The bartender, a middle aged man with tanned skin, a nice smile, and green eyes that seem to look right through him, asks him what he’d like to drink, promising it’s on the house.

“Surprise me,” He says with a smile, sliding his seat back and forth. He spins it all the way around, deciding to study the others in the room.

Oh.

Men and women, men and men, everyone has a partner. Lips entwined, hands roaming over bodies, under shirts.

He squirms a bit in his seat, feeling a bit hot. This reminds him of the bar he and Hua Cheng had visited the day he went missing. When he decided he wanted to sleep with him, when they went home together and Hua Cheng’s hands were all over him, and…

That was the last good day of his life. The last time he felt unbridled desire, the last time he properly followed through with those feelings before everything else took over – pain, shame, reluctance.

Well, he doesn’t feel that way right now.

The bartender hands him his drink and their fingers brush against each other. He wishes it was Hua Cheng’s fingers roaming his skin. Xie Lian buries that thought in his drink, tipping his head back. The drink is lukewarm and a bit sour in his throat and he wonders what Hua Cheng tastes like and how he’d much rather drink him up in some dark corner of this lounge than sit here alone.

He squeezes his legs together. God, he wishes Hua Cheng were here.

But even if he was, wouldn’t he just be held back by his own fears? Stopping just short of the finish line as always?

Maybe if he had more practice, he wouldn’t be so nervous with him. If sex didn’t have to be this monumental thing – this constant reminder that a monumental moment was taken from him – maybe it’d be more enjoyable for him and for Hua Cheng too.

And not so deep down, he knows it would be better if he just wasn’t himself at all, if he could be anyone else.

He stares down at his drink. It looks like little waves inside, like the world is buzzing.

That’s right, Xie Lian is at home, sleeping on the floor and living in fear.

Eleos is the one that came to Vegas. Eleos, though he loves his boyfriend, isn’t afraid to have a little fun. He’s probably had lots of sex and it probably didn’t mean anything unless he was with his boyfriend, and even then, it didn’t matter who they’d been with before. The only thing that mattered was seeking pleasure in the moment. That’s probably what he should do now. Find somebody and don’t look at their face, just focus on fixing whatever’s broken inside him. That’s what he wants to do. His face is hot and he’s ready to tear out of his clothes like a cat in heat, so this must be what he wants to do.

The bartender would be a nice choice, but Xie Lian doesn’t want to bother him. Besides, when he thinks about actually asking, his stomach flips a bit. No, somebody has to ask him.

Then maybe he can –

The bartender touches his hand, sliding a note towards him. Whatever he says is lost, his vision is swirling a bit too much.

Room 817 – let yourself in ;)

-An Admirer

Xie Lian glances around the room, but no one looks his way. The bartender just puts a finger to his lips and nods towards the elevator.

“I am really tired,” he says to no one. “A room with a view would be nice.”

.

9:25

Mu Qing crashes into someone in the stairwell on the sixth floor, sending them tumbling to the ground. “I’m sorry,” he brushes on past them, about to continue up the stairs.

But then he hears their voice.

“I almost fell off a damn cliff… oh dear,” Xie Lian clutches the railing, rising unsteadily to his feet.

Mu Qing spins around, grabbing his arm. “You.”

“Don’t grab my arm, please…” Xie Lian murmurs, sinking back against the wall. The room is kind of spinning. It’s hard to focus on anything but the red and blue flashing lights from someone else’s fireworks nearby.

“What the fuck are you doing here? Mu Qing hisses, eyes shifting around to ensure they aren’t being watched. They need to get out of this stairwell. “When I heard you were sent away, I never thought Vegas —”

“Shh…” Xie Lian reaches out and pats his hair. It’s kind of sticky. Too much hairspray keeping it back. “Not your job to look after me, so just pretend you never saw me.” And with that, he tries to continue up the stairs, but his wrist is caught. Mu Qing’s jaw clenches as he realizes Xie Lian is too wasted to recognize him.

“What?” Xie Lian yanks himself free. “I have to be somewhere!”

“I see now how you were abducted. You’re clueless, aren’t you?” Even more frustratingly, Xie Lian hardly looks at him, seeming determined to keep climbing the stairs. “Hey.” Abruptly, Mu Qing grabs his face, gripping tight. “I’m trying to tell you that you’re in danger.”

And in that simple action, all Xie Lian can see is him. The room starts closing in, like he’s being dragged straight back into hell. Not tonight. Not ever again. He shoves Mu Qing a little harder than anticipated. “Let go!”

And with that, Mu Qing bumps into the door, nearly toppling over a group of people who were trying to go downstairs and shoot cold glares his way. Xie Lian uses this opportunity to slip out the door, hoping to take the elevator instead or hide until Mu Qing gives up looking for him.

Of course he’s in danger. He’s never been out of danger. Can’t he have a little fun in the meantime? One fucking moment to breathe?

9:27

Room 817 wasn’t the easiest to break into, but Hua Cheng was determined.

Now he wishes he wasn’t so determined, because there’s nothing of note inside.

He’s dug through drawers, under the mattress, even checking the toilet tank – there was nothing in the room but a few discarded dress shirts and takeout in the trash.

If this is the room Jun Wu was staying in, he wasn’t doing much more here than sleeping.

But what brings him to Las Vegas?

After searching through the administration office back at the college, Hua Cheng and Shi Qingxuan discovered that Jun Wu had left on a planned sabbatical, studying victimology and post-traumatic stress. He put in the request in January of this year, and planned to be gone for six months.

A Las Vegas hotel doesn’t seem like the kind of place to conduct research. It’s bullshit.

Hua Cheng hears a door thud down the hall and decides to leave for the time being, keeping watch from somewhere in the hallway until Jun Wu returns. Before he leaves, he decides to lift up the heavy box TV and check there for any evidence.

There is a paper underneath with a one sentence note:

Too slow!

9:28

Mu Qing catches up to the masked man on the 7th floor, exiting a hotel suite hosting a rather loud party. When the masked man notices Mu Qing, he quickens his stride and disappears at the stairwell on the opposite end of the hallway.

When Mu Qing enters the stairwell, he swears he sees the masked man descending the stairs, but there are footsteps above him too. He decides to go up. Sooner or later, Jun Wu will return to his room.

He quickens his pace.

All these months of being framed. These years of people always having an ounce of suspicion that maybe, just maybe he knew what happened to Xie Lian.

Because he was quiet. Shifty. He cleaned out a few cars he shouldn’t have, wiping away evidence. Who’s to say he didn’t do it again for a little extra money?

He didn’t like Xie Lian, they said. He was jealous of him for whatever reason. Maybe it was his looks. His smarts. His kindness.

And maybe that much was true; it was hard not to be jealous of such a great person. But why on earth would he want him dead over it? And why does anyone believe it?

Mu Qing will never forget the pain on Xie Lian’s poor parent’s faces as he explained in detail what he’d seen in that van. Apparently, his stoic expression was suspicious. Really, he was just trying his hardest not to break down in front of strangers.

He wonders how Jun Wu reacted. How hard was it to hide his smile?

Mu Qing reaches the 8th floor, but hears a door thud shut above him. That leads to the roof, and unless Jun Wu grew wings, he couldn’t escape from there.

With determination, he climbs the last flight of stairs and pushes through the rooftop door. As he pulls it shut again, he catches a glimpse of a masked face in the stairwell.

“Bravo,” croons a voice from the other side of the roof. “You almost caught me.”

9:29

“811, 813, 815… ah!”

Room 817 is at the corner of a long hallway. Nobody’s around on this floor, likely at one of the numerous parties going on throughout this building. That means if he goes inside, he’ll be completely alone, unless, of course, his so-called admirer is inside.

He doesn’t really want to sleep with anybody now. He’s tired from climbing so many stairs and his stomach hurts. His dick being hard is another story, but he’ll deal with that later.

He just wants to know who was admiring him, and then he’ll… probably just find a way back downstairs again and see if he can add a few more dollars to his winnings. Then go to McDonalds. He wants french fries and a milkshake and then to go to sleep. Hopefully Yushi Huang feels the same way.

Well, here goes nothing. He reaches for the door.

But just as he twists the knob, he feels a firm hand on his shoulder, pulling him back to the surface again. He’s spun around, his heart leaping – first in fear, then joy. Less than a second passes between recognizing the quizzical face of the man who stopped him and being pulled into his embrace.

“San Lang,” he whispers against his lips. “San Lang!”

Hua Cheng only holds him tighter, carding a shaking hand through his hair. “Hi..” He replies before kissing him again.

His heart can no longer take it. It could barely handle Hua Cheng’s kisses before, let alone now. He feels himself sinking to the ground, but he isn’t afraid anymore because Hua Cheng will never let him go.

The first firework explodes just above them as Xie Lian bursts into tears, smiling so hard his cheeks hurt.

9:30

When Mu Qing was eleven years old, he joined the diving team at his local junior high and a mean-spirited senior shoved him off the high dive some twenty five feet in the air. He remembers the fear of the first half of the dive, when it felt like he was falling forever. Then the desperation to correct his form, to land smoothly enough to avoid injury. Then the splat of hitting the ice cold water, spinning upside down before kicking up to the surface again.

That was nothing compared to this. For a time, he didn’t look down – he didn’t want to see what he would hit.

And by the time he looked down, he was already hitting the water, and then the bottom of a pool – the hard, hard concrete beneath.

I just fell, I just fell…

No one pushed me.

I just fell.

Chapter Text

Before

July 4th, 1970

It’s a damn good night to get drunk, yet Mei Niangqing has to stay painfully sober as designated driver for his friend group. They aren’t exactly the coolest bunch, staunchly academic and fresh graduates of their respective graduate programs – in order to dodge the draft– and a majority of them are openly queer. Still, Mei Niangqing has never felt the need to be cool, not like the guys who seemingly never left high school, with their bikes and slicked back hair and rock music. He likes musical theater just fine, his simple car, and quiet nights at home with a good book. Besides, going out all the time would mean missing Lucille Ball’s latest series Here’s Lucy, which was unacceptable. His other roommates through college preferred Bonanza or Hawaii-Five-O- perfectly good choices, sure, but Mei Niangqing loved Lucille Ball.

Jun Wu, his third roommate, was the only one who watched with him.

They met in high school, a minority in multiple ways and wanting to escape their home lives. They spent their afternoons hidden in the school library and their evenings on Mei Niangqing’s fire escape to avoid his family and get a bit of privacy. Mei Niangqing grew a little fonder of him than mere friendship, but he went away to college before anything could come of it and met his first boyfriend – one of his eventual roommates during his grad program. They called themselves the Dodgers, complete with L.A. Dodgers baseball caps, as a reference to what they were all attempting to do by attending graduate school: dodging the draft.

And it worked. The war was never ending but dying down somewhat. They seemed to have gotten away with it.

And then sixteen days ago, a letter came in the mail from the ‘President’, ordering Mei Niangqing, Jun Wu, and their two roommates, to report to an Armed Forces induction station on July 5th at 7:00 AM sharp. It was a cruel irony. His roommates decided to use their medical records (one struggled with terribly flat feet, the other recently diagnosed with asthma) to their advantage. They begged Jun Wu to diagnose them with some horrible mental disorder that would effectively deem them ineligible for the draft, but Jun Wu wanted a career once he finished his sentence–er, service, and told them all to relax; they’d probably be doing deskwork anyway.

Mei Niangqing was the most terrified out of all of them. Growing up, a neighbor of theirs who escaped Germany would wake up screaming in the night, and Mei Niangqing’s father was hardly any better. And, to top it all off, every last man he’d spoken to upon returning home from Vietnam was angry. It wasn’t worth it, it fucked them up, and they’d regret it the rest of their lives.

Sure, he might be assigned deskwork.

But there’s a chance he wouldn’t. He was a bit on the shorter side, but physically fit, healthy as a horse. If more manpower was needed overseas, there would be no reason to keep him behind a desk.

He wasn’t levelheaded about the situation whatsoever. Admittedly, he’d woken the house with his nightmares on the rare occasion he could sleep. When he woke up this morning and realized it was his last full day in the house, he burst into tears and wept for an hour straight. It may have seemed pathetic, but he didn’t care; he couldn’t imagine a worse scenario.

The worst part of it was being forced to participate in a cause he didn’t believe in. He refused to believe in. He didn’t want to contribute to the pain of innocent citizens… all he wanted to do was help others. That’s why he got his degree in clinical psychology. His dream was to open some sort of haven for people who’ve experienced trauma, because, like his thesis proved, the outdoors and recreation could be extremely beneficial for them.

Now, he might never have the chance to make that dream a reality.

Jun Wu woke up with him this morning, promising to help him however he could. He tried to comfort him, but it was in vain for two reasons:

He couldn’t stop Mei Niangqing from reporting, and

Mei Niangqing just didn’t find comfort in him.

They’d dated casually on and off throughout grad school, but Jun Wu clearly had stronger feelings. Mei Niangqing found him attractive, but he wasn’t interested in anything serious just yet. He loved him more as his best friend than a romantic partner, and he’d tried to make that clear, but it never went well. He’d tell Mei Niangqing he was the only one for him, that he was terrified of being away from him and Mei Niangqing finding someone else, of being alone again.

Mei Niangqing pointedly ignored these fears, petted his hair and said he’d remove an arm to avoid the draft, but he wouldn’t want to dishonor his family in such a way. Jun Wu told him there were better ways to go about declaring oneself ineligible and got out of bed, displeased at his lack of attention. The draft was really eating him up inside, too.

Mei Niangqing didn’t want to stay home feeling sorry for himself all day, especially if that was the plan for his roommates. When walking across the street from their condominium to frequent his favorite coffee shop, he saw a flier for the town carnival and decided they all ought to do something memorable before everything changed.

How right he was. At 7:00AM on July 5th, he would not be reporting for the draft. Instead, he’d be fighting unconsciousness in an alleyway just two blocks from home wondering why fate had such a twisted sense of humor and if the ringing in his ears would last as long as the bleeding.

After

July 5th, 1990

Xie Lian would like to say his day began peacefully, waking up in a soft hotel bed in his lover’s arms, the sunshine warming his face.

Rather, the day began at about four in the morning when his stomach decided it couldn't hold the eleven drinks he’d downed seven hours prior. He barely made it to the toilet and decided to never drink again.

As he fully woke up, panic started to set in. He doesn’t recognize this floor. The bathroom is cold, sterile, uninviting. Nothing like the cozy one in the cabin, which means…he’s not supposed to be here. He doesn’t even know where here is. He’s in a hotel, but where? And why? Oh Christ– did he actually go into someone’s room and—

No! No no no…

He rinses his mouth out and plans to make a run for the door. He spares a half-second glance at his reflection and decides to deal with his appearance later - as awful as it is, he has much greater concerns, like trying to figure out whoever he – oh, he can’t even think of it – he’s just got to go. Go, go, go, find Yushi Huang, get the hell out of here, and never look back and pray Hua Cheng can forgive him—

While he’s still panicking, the bathroom door opens and his heart nearly falls out of his ass. He sees the person in the reflection and nearly collapses to the floor – would have, in fact, if he wasn’t held up. He chokes out a sob, he’s beaming, laughter is bubbling up in him right alongside the tears. He springs up, jumping into an embrace, nose buried in Hua Cheng’s neck, breathing in his scent like it’s his lifeline (it is). Hua Cheng was knocked a step backwards but held on just as tight.

“San Lang—“

“I’m here, honey. I’m right here.” His voice rumbles against Xie Lian’s chest – he’s missed it so much, he wants to cry from his voice alone. His stomach, though, protests this reunion, reminding him why he’d gotten up in the first place. He pulls back a bit, holding his head with his free hand. “My stomach hurts… what the hell did I drink last night?”

“Let’s get you back in bed—“ Hua Cheng gently takes his arm.

“No!”

“Relax. It’s not your ordinary mattress. It’s a waterbed.”

Xie Lian hesitates. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Hua Cheng, it’s that the idea of a waterbed in a hotel sounds ridiculous. “I’ve never seen a hotel with a waterbed.” Then again, he hasn’t been to many hotels. As irrelevant as it is, he thinks of the last overnight trip he went on with his parents. They faced torrential downpours and traffic the whole trip and his parents were arguing as a result. He ended up sharing a bed with his dad, who snored loud enough to buzz the bed.

“Well… I asked around. I don’t want to know all the freaky activities that have happened here, but it’s actually comfortable. You slept well, barely moved. Oh, and when we got here—“ he walks over to the side table by the bed and brings back a small grocery bag, “I stocked up on what they had downstairs. I know you didn’t bring anything with you from wherever you’re living now.”

Ah, right. He still shouldn’t tell Hua Cheng anything. He thanks him and takes the bag of toiletries.

Hua Cheng is still staring at him. “You don’t… remember much of last night, do you?”

Judging by the look on his face, Xie Lian must’ve done something stupid. He’s usually an incredibly emotional drunk; either elated or sobbing on the floor by the end of the night. “When I woke up just now, I didn’t know where I was or who I was with. That sounds bad, I know…”

Hua Cheng seems to agree. Even without saying it, Xie Lian can tell by his body language alone that he’s unhappy. “I found you trying to go into someone’s room last night. Room 817 at the casino hotel…?”

“I’m sorry. I was beyond drunk.”

“That was dangerous,” Hua Cheng reminds him, walking back into the bathroom. He wets a rag and offers it to Xie Lian. “Wash up a bit. You’ll feel better.”

“I know, I’m sorry…” Xie Lian buries his face in the ice cold rag, scrubbing vigorously. Something tells him it didn’t do much. Hua Cheng is still staring at him when he lowers the rag, still gripping it tight.

“Did you know whose room it was?”

Unfortunately, Xie Lian knows that there’s no good answer to this question. If he said yes, it would mean he made a conscious choice to cheat. If he says no, it implies a promiscuous character. His true answer might be even worse than either one, given the situation. “I can’t remember,” he admits, “I just kept drinking whatever was offered and I never binge. I’d never cheat on you…”

“I’m not worried about that,” Hua Cheng says. “I’m worried about a stranger luring a blackout drunk person to their room. What if it was your captor?”

“Don’t say that! He couldn’t possibly know where I am.”

“Just like he couldn’t have known about our cookout by the water when I got stabbed, right? Can you really trust everyone – no, anyone?”

“Anyone but you, right?” Xie Lian walks back into the bedroom. “I get it, I’m stupid, I make terrible decisions, and only you know what’s best for me.”

“I didn’t mean–” “Yes, you did. And you’re right. I shouldn’t have come here. I’ll go now.”

Without missing a beat, Hua Cheng steps in front of the door. “No, you’re not.”

Xie Lian scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. “After everything, you’re going to trap me here? Control me like this? Really?”

“You call it control, I call it protecting a dangerously hungover man.” Hua Cheng replies, leaning back against the door. “I’m not moving.”

“I think I know what control looks like,” Xie Lian scowls at him. “Let me out. I’ll find my way—”

“Not a chance.”

In a rage, he throws the rag at Hua Cheng, who doesn’t even flinch. “I was controlled! I was controlled for three years - do you know how that feels? To live for someone else? To be forced to comply in fear he’ll hurt you or someone else? Can you imagine the things I’ve seen? The things I’ve done? I can’t even face myself – I just want to forget, so badly I just want to forget!”

“Gege–”

“No!” Xie Lian pushes his hands down, “Because the more I think about it, the angrier I get. I’m so angry! Because to you, to everyone else, he just took three years of my life. But why can’t you understand that it wasn’t only three years, he took my entire life? He took everything! I have nothing left of me. Not one thing! My father’s dead because of me! My mother’s never coming back! I’ll never graduate college! Never have a career! Never have a life with you – a real, normal, happy life!” Tears spring from his eyes that he’s too angry to wipe away, “Don’t you get it? There’s no reason for me to be alive. If I can’t die, I just need to disappear and be someone else. Let Xie Lian die like he was supposed to. He’s a lost cause.”

“You’re supposed to be here,” Hua Cheng says firmly, his signs stiff, restrained. “If you weren’t, you would’ve been killed the night you were taken. But you made it through, and that has to mean something.”

Xie Lian rolls his tear-filled eyes and looks up. He’s never liked popcorn ceilings. “What if it means nothing?”

He doesn’t give Hua Cheng time to answer. His stomach constricts again and he hurries back into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

It’s not a good time for this conversation. They’re both exhausted, Xie Lian is severely hungover, probably suffering from borderline alcohol poisoning, and the world is still falling apart around them. Add in the fact that it’s four-thirty in the morning, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Neither of them should have tried having this conversation now.

.

Breakfast is protein and vitamin C. Hua Cheng went down to the cafeteria and brought back a little bit of everything and some medicine from the drugstore across the street for his stomach.

He sits up in bed when Hua Cheng walks back in, seemingly surprised that he was sleeping here again.

“Waterbed, huh? It’s nice.” Xie Lian says, eyes shifting to the side. He remembers what happened earlier. He blew up at Hua Cheng and didn’t give him a chance to respond. He never gives him a chance anymore.

Hua Cheng sits on the other end of the bed, seemingly unsure of what to say.

Xie Lian can’t eat, but he manages to down about half the juice.

“I’ve been thinking,” Hua Cheng signs, expression grim, “about what you said, and about our circumstances. It’s not helpful for me to do what I’ve been doing for the past four months. I’m making you worse.”

“What…?”

“I’m putting pressure on you that never should’ve been there. Instead of focusing on your recovery, you have to worry about me, too. Or, us. Our relationship.”

“San Lang.”

“Our relationship isn’t helping you,” he continues, jaw clenched. “I’m hurting you. You feel obligated – forced – to do things and feel things you don’t because you don’t want to hurt me.” Hua Cheng says these things like he means them. Like each word isn’t forced.

This enrages him. Hua Cheng lifts a hand to tell him more and Xie Lian throws his juice glass at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. “Don’t fucking say another word! Don’t ever speak for me or my heart!!”

“Gege–”

“Do you think I would have bothered escaping if I thought we wouldn’t be together again? Or living at all? I stayed alive for you!”

“So did I!” Hua Cheng shoots back. “But that’s not right, is it? Not when I’m dragging you down–”

“I’m trying to fix that.”

“You can’t be someone else. You will never be someone else. And I will never love anyone else, either.”

Something breaks in Xie Lian, clear enough that Hua Cheng can see it too. “Why…” He weeps, burying his head in his knees. Just before Hua Cheng touches his knee, Xie Lian’s head snaps up, eyes filled with rage. “Why? Fuck!! What did I ever do to deserve this? What did I do? Why… why me? Why?” He climbs out of bed, pacing back and forth in front of the window, furiously rubbing at his eyes.

Hua Cheng sits on the side of the bed silently.

When Xie Lian notices him again, he somehow looks angrier. He laughs, tipping his head back as another round of angry tears spill down his cheeks. “I made a point to be kind to every person I met. I was passing all my classes. I…I was falling in love. With you! I had you… I had you…the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything’s gone now. Everything’s gone and I’m so scared that my life is over—”

And just like that, Hua Cheng is right in front of him, pulling him out of the dark, dark place he’s spiraling into. He gently takes his hand, stopping him, then gently brushes a tear from his cheek. “Look at me,” he says softly. “You will always, always have me. Nothing is over. It’s just one day at a time, remember? And if that’s too much, one hour, one minute, or one step at a time works just as well. I’ll learn to slow my walking pace and match you stride for stride, even if it takes us a year to walk down the hall.”

This makes Xie Lian smile. A refreshing action, a simple gesture that seems to break the tension in the air.

It’s why he had to say what was on his mind. “I love you, San Lang, and I am so, so sorry.” Hua Cheng welcomes Xie Lian into his arms and the world makes a little more sense again.

***

Last Night

“Never in my whole fucking life have I been disrespected like this! You just wait until my brother finds out, just wait, just— watch your hands!!”

“I have no desire to fuck you, so chill out.” Pei Ming says grimly, setting Shi Qingxuan down onto the floor. Then, their blindfold is removed.

The two are in what looks to be an old, empty storage closet. No windows, nothing to whack Pei Ming with, nothing. Shi Qingxuan is terrifyingly screwed.

“Then what do you want?” Shi Qingxuan closes their legs. This seems to annoy Pei Ming, who crouches down and ties the binding around them a little tighter, keeping them shut. “If it’s to kill me, I won’t shut up, and I promise I won’t go out without a fight.”

“I don’t want to kill you either. Just shut up.” Pei Ming leans back against the door, sighing deeply. “Why’d you come here? Why’d you stick your nose in someone else’s business?”

Shi Qingxuan jerks at the bindings on their wrists, even though it’s useless. Being cornered and helpless isn’t their style. “It is my business when there’s a fucking serial killer out there. Who’s to say I wouldn’t be his next target?”

This makes Pei Ming chuckle. “You flatter yourself too much.”

“And I suppose you know Mr. Killer well enough to know his tastes, right? Am I looking at him right now?”

“You are not,” Pei Ming replies flatly. “I wouldn’t sleep with or kill men in the pattern this alleged killer has.”

“Then why am I in a closet? Look – I came here to help my friend. I want to find his captor and stop this from happening to someone else.”

“Or, you wanted a free trip to Vegas to get over that breakup of yours, right? You’re an opportunist, and I respect that,” Pei Ming says. “I’m not here to kill you. I’m not here to do anything. We’re just waiting, so keep quiet or I’ll shut you up again.”

“But I’ve seen your face,” Shi Qingxuan comes to a realization, “so I’m not getting out of this alive, am I? You’re not going to kill me, but he is?”

Pei Ming lights a cigarette.

“Hey, I’m trying to conversate. You can’t say you aren’t here to kill me if you’re aiding someone else – I’m only twenty-five! I’ve had one serious boyfriend, my parents are dead and my brother would have no one left!”

“I do not give a shit about your brother not having anyone left. A lot of people have no one left. That’s why we frequent places like this.”

Shi Qingxuan looks down at their watch. It’s 9:30. “And… money! My brother is extremely rich. However much you were paid to do this, he can give you double! Triple! Whatever you want! Come on… what’s aiding murder compared to a huge payoff? If… if you let me go, we can go straight to a payphone, and—”

“Is Xie Lian worth this to you? You had to know it was risky coming here.”

“After what he’s been through, it’s worth everything.”

“Yeah, yeah. Fuck.” He rubs a hand over his mouth. “Ten thousand dollars was too good to be true. Fly to Vegas, get free lodging, gamble your heart out. Just do a couple of chores for me…” He starts mumbling off to himself. Shi Qingxuan scoots a little closer.

“Whoever you made a deal with doesn’t matter. We can both get out of here. You’re a pilot, right?”

“How did you know that?”

“The wings on your shirt.” They nod.

“Oh,” Pei Ming smiles, touching the pin. “Forgot to take that off.”

“So let’s fly…” they whisper, “I’m recovering from a shitty breakup and heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. And you suffer from a gambling and sex addiction. Let me help you, and you help me. I’ve never gone anywhere outside the west coast. I wanna see the world before I’m too old to enjoy it or tied down in a relationship I’m miserable in. I can stay gone for a while, no one but my brother would look for me. I won’t even tell my friends I’m leaving…”

Pei Ming scoffs. “You consider Mu Qing a friend?”

“Sure.”

“You take ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ to a whole new level, don’t you? Still, I like your ideas.”

“I don’t have any enemies–”

Pei Ming laughs. “You really think Mu Qing is innocent? The guy who admitted to being within a block of Xie Lian’s apartment the night he disappeared?”

“Mu Qing did not kidnap Xie Lian. Anyone with eyes can tell.” Seriously, where’s Pei Ming’s brain? Has it really been permanently transplanted to his dick like the rumors say?

Pei Ming just shakes his head, a big grin on his face. “Look, I’ve got connections everywhere. They tell me it’s all but confirmed multiple people were involved in the abduction, and Mu Qing was one of them.”

“How–”

“Xie Lian said he was chloroformed, right? So guess what they found in Mu Qing’s cleaning supplies the day Mu Qing reported the van? Bleach and alcohol– ingredients used to make chloroform. The theory goes, the plan was to rough him up – never to keep him captive for so long. Mu Qing feels guilty when the plan goes south and reports the van to police. All it does is increase suspicion against him. Add that to him gathering all of you here – people who have pissed the captor off…”

“A cleaner would have bleach, and alcohol can be used to remove stains…” Shi Qingxuan protests weakly. “Besides, don’t you know who did it?”

“I don’t, actually. I just got my order and followed it. I really, truly don’t want any trouble.”

“My god…” Shi Qingxuan whispers, “I just feel so bad for him. I want him to have some peace, you know? And you’re working against him–”

“No. No, I’m not. My job wasn’t to bring him to Vegas. It was to bring a young woman to have a talk with my client. She asked to bring a friend and I said why not, I’ve accommodated everyone. I’ve been so focused on work I didn’t even flirt with her friend. I’m just in it for the money. Most people are.”

***

July 5th, 1990

They lie in bed together all morning while Xie Lian nurses his hangover and sit through Family Feud, Wheel of Fortune, and half an episode of The Price is Right (Hua Cheng almost always guesses correctly) before Xie Lian gets bored and changes the channel. An episode of the Golden Girls comes on and he laughs at the coincidence. Hua Cheng says his mother is going to be like Sophia when she’s old. Xie Lian stifles a laugh in Hua Cheng’s shirt and declines to agree or disagree with that statement. He does, however, find that Hua Cheng and Dorothy are similar in mannerisms.

Hua Cheng tickles him behind the ear and wonders aloud if Xie Lian was possessed by the spirit of Blanche Devereux last night.

Oh, yeah. He did try going to a stranger’s room last night. He feels his cheeks darken with shame. “I’m sorry about that. Are you mad at me?”

“Furious.” Hua Cheng leans in and kisses his forehead. “Stop making me worry about you so much. I’m about to go gray.”

“I’m sorry…” Xie Lian strokes through his hair. There’s not a trace of gray, but he’d be possibly even more handsome with it. His hair is getting a bit longer, long enough to run his fingers through, but not enough to properly grip onto when…

No. Don’t think about that.

They can have fun without going there. And they are having a nice time. Hard as it is, Xie Lian is determined to avoid turning the mood sour.

Hua Cheng is smiling at him, oblivious to where his thoughts just went. Xie Lian decides to change the subject.

“Remember when we first met, how light my hair was?”

“Yeah.” Hua Cheng touches his hair, gentle as always. “It’s dark brown now. Still pretty.”

Xie Lian smiles. “I think I want to dye it lighter again. I liked my hair back then..”

“I like that idea. Want me to help you?”

Of course he does.

But Xie Lian catches sight of the time – 11:42, and knows this paradise between them won’t last much longer.

He and Yushi Huang had agreed that should they get separated at the party last night, they’d reconvene by noon, and the flight home was supposed to be at 1:00. Unfortunately, that means it’s time to go.

“I have to go back to the casino,” He signs,“My friend will be worried.”

“What, I can’t come with you?”

“I want you to, but…” Xie Lian pushes himself up, crossing his legs. “I need to sort things out first. Then, I’ll email you again, and…”

“Are you staying nearby? How will I see you again?”

Xie Lian needs to get back to the farm. He doesn’t know how to explain to Hua Cheng that he’s content living at a cow farm, and isn’t even sure if he should. But he doesn’t want to go months without seeing him again, either.

An idea comes to him on the next commercial break. There’s an ad for a circus.

“There’s a county fair…” He begins.

“What?”

“It starts on the 8th and finishes on the 15th, my birthday. I’ll tell you where it is if you promise not to come until my birthday weekend. We can spend it together at the fair and figure the rest out later. It gives me some time to figure everything out, make arrangements with my host. OK?”

Hua Cheng sulks a bit, but agrees. Xie Lian whispers the location of the county fair and Hua Cheng promises to see him in a week, on opening night, only if Xie Lian promises to go on a ferris wheel again with him, like before.

“I’ll do it,” Xie Lian slides a hand up his chest, coming to rest on his shoulder, pulling him closer, “if you promise to rent a nice hotel room for us to go after and finish what we started back then…”

During

Late 1989

“A-Lian, you’ve been so sickly.” His captor chides, passing Xie Lian a sweatshirt. “It’s not even that cold in here, and I’ve got the heater running.”

Yet still, Xie Lian’s teeth chatter. He’s huddled in his corner and looks like a pathetic child. He’s been feverish for over a week. It’s probably that nasty flu that’s going around, but his captor considers that Xie Lian’s immune system is probably shot from his isolation from society. Once his captor can also break away with him, he won’t have to worry about this anymore.

Sighing, his captor glances at the still-warm bathtub. “I don’t want the water to go to waste. Will you read at least?”

Slowly, Xie Lian nods, crawling over to the pile of books at the bedside.

“No, no,” His captor takes his hand. “I have something else for you to read. Sit by the tub.”

“But I–”

He squeezes his hand tight. “Sit by the tub.”

January 1st, 1971

Happy New Year! May this be the year this pointless war is over. The VA hospital is a gloomy sight, and I’d much rather spend my days alongside you, —, and —

Xie Lian pauses for a moment, wondering why the other people’s names are redacted. He receives a stern tap on the shoulder and hurriedly continues,

like we used to – debating scholarship, making a disaster of the kitchen, taking those long day trips down the coast to try and catch a glimpse at the Hollywood stars… But it’s not fair of me to complain when I’m able to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Darling, I’m worried about you. I’m worried about all of you, but especially you. Your letters grow more frequent, more agitated. How soon can you get out?

I was thinking yesterday about heading east when my contract is up. I’ve never been much of a city person and I think the peace and quiet would do me good. I don’t know the first thing about homesteading or mortgages but maybe I can figure it out for all of us. My dad’s getting up in age and Mom is struggling to care for him with his ever-growing health issues, and with my brothers away… I think I’ll bring my parents along with me. It would be nice to have some company.

That’s enough about me. Hold on, all of you, just a little longer. We’ll be together again soon – maybe you’d like to recuperate here when you get out?

Xie Lian finishes reading, looking up at his captor. “Who was the letter from? They sound fond of you.”

His captor tips his head back, exhaling deeply. “That’s what I thought, and these letters, they were my…” He turns his head away a bit; Xie Lian leans forward, unsure if he was starting to say ‘wife’ or ‘why’ alongside several other mumbled words. “But then I looked closer,” He continues, “and realized it wasn’t so. There was no love there. A person I would kill for, have killed for, felt nothing for me after all our years together, and loved someone else in plain sight, long after their death.”

Xie Lian can’t exactly blame them, but all he can do is nod. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” he bends over the tub, taking his forearms, “I have you now, and I realize all of these trials and inconveniences had to come before I finally got my reward.”

Xie Lian looks towards the stairs, holding his breath, wishing it was enough to stop his heart as his captor kisses him. And when he’s lifted into the tub, fully clothed, he can only wish that his captor had gone after his first love like this, and they were the one in this basement instead.

"You're not like the others," his captor pets his now damp hair, "You won't disappoint me like they did, will you?"

Xie Lian shakes his head. His captor doesn't seem convinced. He tips Xie Lian's chin up, looking him in the eyes. His captor's are black, lifeless. As fond as he claims to be of him, there's nothing in his eyes. "I need you to say it." He says, his hand trailing down to wrap around Xie Lian's throat. He squeezes softly. "It's not worth it if I'm left guessing like before."

"I... I won't," Xie Lian squirms, his heart quickening. He doesn't want to die in the tub like the boy did. He doesn't want to be here. He should be on the stairs, testing the combinations. Just do what he wants, and then it'll be over, he urges himself.

His captor leans in closer. "Not quite. I need more than that."

"What do you need?"

"Say you love me."

If there was anything in his stomach, Xie Lian would spill it now. He's endured everything imaginable in this room, indescribable torture nearly daily, but nothing has been as terrible as being forced to say those three words. Still, his captor's hand tightens on his throat. Xie Lian closes his eyes and thinks of the person his heart belongs to. He says it.

He won’t be able to test the combinations this evening. As a silver ring is slipped on his finger, as his captor promises that one day very soon they will be together every moment until their last breaths, he fears he’ll never have a chance to again.

Chapter Text

During

November 16th, 1986

She’s supposed to be strong. Stoic. She’s supposed to have unlimited energy, know just enough about her son to give the police a proper lead, be gracious to all the visitors, perhaps even know just where to look for him.

Well, she’s not any of those things, and for the man waiting for his coffee at the shop closest to Xie Lian’s apartment, it’s hard to watch.

She stands there looking very much like a zombie, not at all caring how puffy her eyes are or for the wrinkles in the shirt she slept in. She leans against the nearest wall, waiting for her order, and just stares off into space.

She needs sleep. She needs reassurance that he can’t offer. Still, he approaches her, standing right beside her. Her breath hitches, but she won’t look at him.

“Under better circumstances,” Jun Wu says softly, “I’d say it’s good to see you again. How are you holding up?”

She scoffs, already fighting back another round of tears. But something about this man has always gotten her to open up, even against her own will. “Something’s very wrong,” her voice trembles, “something’s happened to him, I know it. He wouldn’t just take off like this.”

Jun Wu also stares straight ahead. The prices are getting crazy at this spot. “Young men are known to be impulsive. Beyond that, there are plenty of mental health disorders that might cause –”

“Do you know where he is?”

There it is. That spark. He meets her eyes, so much like her son’s it’s almost uncanny. The same look – fear and bitterness simultaneously – is there, too.

He adores it.

“I wish I did,” he says as sincerely as he can, his mind in a garage somewhere, looking into a parked van at his prize, “I really, truly, wish I did. I loved him too, you know.”

She nods, a fresh set of tears streaming down her cheeks. Her tears probably sting the corners of her eyes by now. He wishes she wouldn’t cry too much, she looks too much like him.

“Will you help us look for him, then?” She whispers. “I just want to know that he’s safe.”

He takes her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Of course. I’ll do everything I can to make sure he’s brought home.”

***

After

July 5th, 1990

Xie Lian still feels a bit sluggish when the cab Hua Cheng ordered drops him off in front of the casino. He’s sad to be away from him, but still hopeful that when they meet next week things will go much better, and he can show Hua Cheng around the area without having to fear being recognized.

Until they’re together again, he’ll enjoy the red oversized t-shirt Hua Cheng lent him. In exchange, Xie Lian left his button down with Hua Cheng, not that he’d fit it.

The energy is completely different here today. While last night, the place was packed, music blasting, today it is silent, and save for the regulars at the slot machines, empty. Perhaps everyone’s as hungover as he is.

And then he notices an unusual amount of police officers towards the back of the building and outside by the pool. He should probably avoid them.

Yushi Huang… please tell me you’re alright.

They were supposed to meet here in the lobby and it’s ten after twelve. Maybe she’s looking for him? Should he be looking for her?

He scans every face he comes across, but if she were here, she’d see him. Since there’s no way to reach her, all he can do is wait. He leans back against a wall, studying the police by the pool and wonders what kind of crime scene he’s looking at. Surely if there’d been a murder, nobody would be here. Then again, gamblers wouldn’t be stopped by a little inconvenience like murder.

He suddenly realizes how stupid it was for him to separate from Yushi Huang last night. What if he doesn’t find her? How the hell is he supposed to get back to Idaho? More importantly, why the hell didn’t he stay with Hua Cheng?

OK.

OK.

He needs to go to the front desk and ask for them to make a phone call. This would be particularly helpful if he knew the phone number to Mei Niangqing’s house, but he doesn’t. So that’s out of the question. He knows a few other numbers by heart, none of which can help him now.

Well, all except for one. He does have the phone number of the lead detective on his case, a number that was drilled into his head from the day they met, should there be any updates.

But if he calls that man…

He had one job: stay in Idaho, leading a quiet, unassuming life until his captor was apprehended. He was not to go anywhere outside of the closest town, and never spontaneously. This made their job easier, having one less person to worry about.

Yet here he is in Vegas, hungover and stranded. That’ll go over well.

But he doesn’t want to worry his host, and he really is worried about Yushi Huang…

Decisions were made last night that he’ll be regretting for a while. The only good that came out of it was getting a few uninterrupted hours of sleep on a comfortable bed and an opportunity to express some of his pent-up anger. He does feel about ten pounds lighter, and to top it off, has a date with his favorite person in just a week. It’s the first thing he’s had to look forward to in he can’t remember how long.

That is, if he gets back. He does have his winnings from last night, but there likely aren’t any direct flights remotely close to where he needs to go. That’s why Pei Ming was so useful –

Pei Ming should still be here, right? More than likely staying in this very building. All he has to do is find him and that’s half his problem solved already.

Step one is going to the front desk and asking —

No sooner than he takes a step from the wall, his arm is grabbed. He’s yanked around and facing a stern-faced detective who’s demanding to know just what he’s doing here and where he’s been.

He can’t even come up with a logical reason. His head is still kind of foggy from last night, so he just shrugs and frees his arm.

***

Pei Ming, as it would turn out, disappeared the night before. Some undercover detectives had gone to Vegas for surveillance reasons — apparently they had their eyes on a suspect, but because Xie Lian hadn’t pointed anyone out in numerous line-ups, including their suspect, they wouldn’t tell him who it was. It would seem Pei Ming left the hotel with another individual on his own accord just after 9:30.

Also at 9:30, a man fell from the roof into the pool and is now in critical condition. A woman was found stabbed to death in the stairwell. They believe the person who fell was the culprit of that crime as the door only opened once, meaning no one ever left the roof after the person jumped.

They had more than likely gone up to the roof, lost their footing or chose to jump after committing the crime. Apparently, a handwritten note was found in their pocket, too soggy to properly decipher.

As chilling as the situation is, there was one relief: Yushi Huang, or, Mei Hanna as she now goes by, is waiting for Xie Lian in the conference room he’d been ushered into, to be used as his interpreter. They do not know she is Yushi Huang, and she doesn’t want them to. She just wants to get back to Idaho.

So, shortly after 1:00 they are ushered into a black van and told to get cozy, they have a long ride ahead and are lucky they were making the trip anyway.

Forty-five minutes in, Xie Lian wakes up and sees his fellow prisoner crying.

He nudged her foot with his own. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, just thinking about the last time I was in a van.” She rubs at her eyes. “Stupid. Why’d I go out that night? I should’ve been home with my kids.”

“You needed a break—“

“Yeah. I was supposed to go to the supermarket and buy more rice formula, not travel halfway across the county and get my throat slashed. I should’ve… I should’ve taken the car, taken her with me. But the bike was closer and I was just so… overwhelmed, I felt like I was suffocating.”

“Your husband… was he helpful at all?”

“Of course, when he managed to be home. He would get deployed so often. Most of my pregnancies were spent alone. I didn’t want —“ she stops herself. “I sound like a shitty mother.”

“Five kids is a lot.”

“Twins first,” she smiles, “so I thought I was a pro. And that I was done. I had this dream of homesteading, quiet summers with my girls while he was away, getting my life back when they started school. I really wanted to homestead. To get out of there. But I kept getting pregnant, even after a vasectomy! That was baby number five. Five kids… how do you support five kids, even on two incomes? I knew I’d never get off the base, we could never afford to live anywhere else. I was hopeless and desperate and told him I wanted a divorce just so I could leave them - leave them, their own mother, what the fuck was I thinking?”

“Thoughts and actions are different,” Xie Lian reminds her, “You planned to come back. That man is the reason you couldn’t.”

“I hate him.”

“Me too.”

“I’d kill him if I saw him again.”

“I think San Lang wants to do the honors.”

She smiles. “He really loves you.”

“I know.” Xie Lian dips his head a bit, catching a whiff of Hua Cheng’s scent from this shirt. He wants to bury his nose in it like it’s an oxygen mask.

This behavior has Yushi Huang watching him a little closer. “Last night… where did you go? I couldn’t find you, and I worried with how much you drank that maybe you went home with someone–”

“I’m not like that.” Even though he technically is like that.

“That’s not the shirt you wore yesterday. Whose is it?”

Oh.

Shit.

“Ah…” He bites his lip.

“Look, we all make mistakes, and you can trust me, but Hua Cheng is my brother-in-law, so if you—”

“No! I didn’t cheat on him, I was… I was with him last night!”

She stares at him in disbelief for far longer than socially acceptable. Xie Lian hugs his knees, dipping his head down for a moment. This shirt still smells like him.

She taps his foot with hers, mouth still agape. “What? He’s here in Vegas? Did you tell him to come?”

“No, no! He was there for other reasons–”

“What, to cheat on you?”

“No!” He feels ready to cry out of frustration. He wanted to keep this a secret! How else is he going to get away with his plans with Hua Cheng next week?

“Please tell me his brother wasn’t with him…”

The thought of Hua Jian in anything but a baby sling is laughable. His mother would probably kill him if he went to Vegas instead of being with his youngsters. “He was alone. He’s traveling around the country. It really was a coincidence.”

She doesn’t look convinced, but knows better than to keep questioning him. What’s important is that he came back to the hotel, after all. “It must’ve been nice to see him.”

“Not as nice as I’d hoped. I was a wreck. I drank so much…”

She nods, still a bit unconvinced. “Yeah, you did. Hopefully this helped get it out of your system.”

“I don’t know what else to do to cope.”

“I drank a lot my first few months out here. I got tired of feeling sick after. I took out my restlessness on my work. This farm was in disarray, you know. Dad can’t do it all, and he’s too nice. Some people were using him, charging him more than what’s fair. Beyond that, he had little success in actual farming recently. He prefers taking care of the animals.”

Yushi Huang has done a lot in her year at the farm. Xie Lian hadn’t thought much about it, but the rolling fields surrounding the farm – those not occupied with cattle, horses, chickens, pigs, goats, sheep, and who knows what else (he thinks he saw an emu once, but couldn’t be sure), were all lush and organized, and the dinner table always had fresh fruit and vegetables. Her dedication to the land is what’s helped her, all this time.

If he could find some sort of passion, maybe he too could get better. So far, he only likes Daisy, but he doesn’t mind taking care of the animals and tagging along on vet visits. He follows along conversations about foaling and calving season with great interest and wonders what it would be like to witness or even assist with a live birth like that. To see new life, uncorrupted by the outside world.

He looks over at Yushi Huang again. She’s got her head tipped back, revealing the deep scar across her neck.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I feel responsible for everything he did to you. He was only out that night because I made him angry.”

“What did you do?”

“I…” He realizes he’s never said this out loud before. He doesn’t want to say it. Still, Yushi Huang is probably one of the few people, if not the only person, who deserves to know. “He gave me a ring and caught me not wearing it. I took it off the moment he left every morning. And…I cut my hair. At least, I was trying to. Without permission. He was furious.”

She actually laughs, taking him aback.

“What?”

She wipes tears from her eyes. “Can you believe it? A haircut and an ugly ring made him have such a fit? What a baby.”

Well, when it’s put that way, it does sound quite ridiculous. He offers a weak shrug. “He was very sensitive about those things.”

“Loser. Where was he taking you, a 24 hour chapel? Or maybe a tattoo parlor, to get that ring permanently tattooed on you—”

“Oh god, can you imagine?” Xie Lian extends his hand, bending his ring finger. “I’d chop it off. The only person’s ring I want is…” When he realizes what he’s saying, he stops abruptly, rubbing his face. “Never mind.” His face has gone bright red and he wishes the windows could open back here.

He never really thought about marriage, especially in the past few months. Partly because he always believed he’d be with Hua Cheng forever and didn’t put two and two together – they could get married someday. Own a house together. Be a family at last and maybe he could even take on his surname– God, why is he blushing so hard?

Yushi Huang tells him that while marriage isn’t always a picnic, married life would look good on him, as good as the ring of someone he loves on his finger. “You deserve to be happy,” she says, and judging by the fondness in her tear-filled eyes, she means it.

“So do you.” He tells her. She probably deserves it more than he does.

“I think I am,” she says. “Or at least, I’m happier now than I was before. I just wish it happened differently… and maybe I could have my kids with me during the summers, at least.”

“When he is found… you’re going to come back out, right? Everyone will understand…”

“I don’t think anyone could forgive me for being such a coward.”

“If anyone’s a coward, it’s me. You were injured, I was not. I could have fought him more. Made his life harder. Sometimes I didn’t try, I just let him…I hated every minute, but I felt so weak… I thought there was no way out. Yet by letting him do what he wanted, I feel that’s a betrayal to San Lang… who never stopped fighting for me.”

“If I were in your shoes, I couldn’t… I couldn’t open my heart again. Yet you love… you love so strongly. You’re still so kind, despite everything you haven’t lost your kindness. That’s admirable, and he sees that. He knows you’ve been through horrible things. He also knows you did what you had to. It’s not betrayal. Not like what I’ve done.”

***

“You two are officially grounded.” Mei Niangqing pushes a tray with teacups across the coffee table towards Yushi Huang and Xie Lian. It’s late, just after nine, and they’ve both washed up before this impending lecture. Mei Niangqing, despite being an incredibly patient, easy-going man, is doing his best to look angry. Still, all he can manage is a mildly upset scowl. “You’re lucky I convinced them to let you stay. And that I lied for you.” He nods at Yushi Huang. “Seriously, I said go out – I didn’t mean fly somewhere! And how did you fly? We don’t have any direct flights– who took you? Do you have a boyfriend now?”

“Dad, stop, it’s not like that…” Yushi Huang insists, face flushing. “And anyway, you know I’m not interested in dating.”

“Men don’t like being friends. They always want something out of it. Did you find that out the hard way? Is that why the police escorted you two back?”

Yushi Huang rolls her eyes and reminds him she’s not a child.

“You’re sure acting like one. Irresponsible, when you know El can’t—”

“I wanted to go,” Xie Lian speaks up, “and it was my fault, because I drank too much last night and wandered off, so we couldn’t leave when we planned. I’m sorry.”

Mei Niangqing sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose for a long time. Yushi Huang pats Xie Lian’s leg in comfort.

Eventually, Mei Niangqing asks, “Were you alone?”

“Not exactly..”

“What do you mean, not exactly?”

“I was with—”

“The pilot and me.” Yushi Huang offers. “He never left the casino. I was distracted, and there was a crowd…”

“Why didn’t the pilot take you home, then?”

“He disappeared. That wasn’t the plan at all… but I realize the whole thing was a set up.”

“What do you mean?”

“I messed up. I was scared, and I messed up.”

Mei Niangqing sits in the nearby recliner and tells her she’d better explain herself before he gets the cops over here.

.

Two days ago, she was at the grocery store in the nearest town over thirty minutes away. This is where she’d occasionally run into Pei Ming, a private charter pilot who sometimes had layovers in Jackson, Wyoming, while his clients enjoyed Yellowstone. That day was no different. He approached her while she was loading groceries into the truck and offered her a hand.

And then he told her the man who slashed her throat needed her to come to Vegas. In fact, he demanded she come. He had to talk to her and make sure she wasn’t planning on going to the police. If she was, he planned on crashing her baby daughter’s first birthday party. He referred to her by name.

Pei Ming looked troubled while he relayed this information. He said he didn’t know who this man was, he was just relaying the message and would make sure nothing happened to her.

She believed him at first, despite being terrified out of her mind.

But when she woke up on the 4th, she realized the only way that man would know where she was, was if Pei Ming had run his mouth about her to him.

At the very least, the man didn’t know where she was staying, but how long would that be the case? And how could she guarantee her or her children’s safety, even if she did go?

And then she thought of Xie Lian.

That’s who the man really wanted. If he showed an inkling of potential violence towards her, or more importantly, her family, she would give up Xie Lian’s name, tell him she knew where he was.

“I was willing to use you like that,” she admits miserably, “just based on my own fear. But when we got to Vegas, I never saw him. Instead, I was pulled aside by a woman I’d never seen before who said she knew everything about my situation”

While Xie Lian was downing shots at the bar, Yushi Huang lingered in the lobby, sweating out of her skin at potentially seeing the man who assaulted her again.

But at about nine o’clock, a middle aged woman approached her and led her into some empty corridor. In a rush, she explained that she knew the man who did this to her, he was on the run and getting desperate. He was going mad at not being able to find Xie Lian, and it should stay that way because he’s getting sloppier with his work, making it easier to trace him back to the crimes.

“I won’t tell you his name,” she said, “but he is here tonight. I don’t want you to see him. Don’t give him the gratification of inflicting that kind of fear on you. He won’t lay a finger on your children. He’s not that stupid. And if he is, it’s no matter; I’ve made calls. He’s not going back to California, but you should. He’s not expecting that.”

Yushi Huang, still breathless, managed to ask where the man was heading.

The woman said he wasn’t heading anywhere in particular. His days were numbered, he knew that even more than the police did. He would keep looking for Xie Lian until his dying breath, but he truly had no idea where he was.

It was then Yushi Huang realized how horrible she was for bringing Xie Lian along. She thanked the woman and took off to find him, but hardly fifteen minutes into her search, someone had fallen off the roof.

***

Hua Cheng returns to the hotel and finds only Feng Xin, who was on the phone in their shared room with what sounded like a very noisy toddler and perhaps his frustrated mother. When Feng Xin says he has to extend his stay, Hua Cheng can hear the woman’s complaints about missing work and ‘’barely making ends meet’’ being loud and clear.

“That’s why I said we should just live together–” Feng Xin trails off, finally noticing Hua Cheng. “I have to go. Sorry.” He hangs up, immediately shooting a fierce glare Hua Cheng’s way. “Where the hell were you?”

“The better question is, what the hell’s going on? Where is everyone?” Hua Cheng tosses his keys on the empty bed.

“Qingxuan ran off last night and called this morning from Los Angeles–”

“What?”

“Apparently, they’re on some sort of impromptu adventure with a guy they met. Not our guy, by the way. And Mu Qing–”

“Let me guess, he ran off with the ghost of Elvis?”

“That would be better than reality. He fell off the roof last night. I don’t know much beyond that his spine is fractured and they’re not sure he’ll ever walk again, let alone live. The fact that he landed where he did – in just deep enough water not to kill him instantly – is almost too good to be true.”

Hua Cheng sinks down on the side of the bed. Xie Lian was almost at the top floor when he found him last night. What would’ve happened if he’d wandered up there, or stayed in that hallway a moment longer?

“The worst part of it all is he was found wearing some weird ass mask that I know he doesn’t own. Whoever did this is desperately trying to frame him.” Feng Xin says, walking over to the window. From here, he can see the pool that Mu Qing was in some twelve hours ago. “Anyway, where were you? Did you see anything?”

“Yeah. I went up to the room Mu Qing said belonged to Jun Wu, and it was almost empty. Then I asked in the lobby this morning, and they said the room was registered to Mu Qing–”

“Why would they give out that information?”

“Alright, I went behind the desk while no one was looking.” Hua Cheng admits. “But we needed to know, right? The room was registered in Mu Qing’s name, so yeah, I agree that he’s probably being framed. Either that or he’s—”

“Don’t finish that sentence. He’s not involved. And anyway, that still doesn’t explain where you were all night.”

Hua Cheng can practically still feel Xie Lian’s lips against his; it’s been under thirty minutes since they were last together and already it’s been too long. He knows it looks suspicious for him to disappear all night, but he’s unwilling to give up Xie Lian’s location. So, running a hand through his hair, he just says, “I was with a friend.”

***

July 8th, 1990

Xie Lian sinks onto the sofa at half past twelve at night. After their first day at the county fair, he couldn’t be more exhausted. Mei Niangqing has animals of all types entered, and the campers (the sixteen that arrived just this morning) will be responsible for their care. Which means, Xie Lian will be responsible for watching a group of kids at a huge fairground all day while they wait for their turn to show. They have all you can ride passes, but that isn’t enough; they want to try for prizes, buy the most expensive drinks and snacks, and wander off in seven different directions.

Fortunately, he has a teen helper with him that can keep up a bit better and go on the more thrill-seeking rides with the older kids, but it’s still a lot to handle. Add that to the fact that this teen helper, Lang Qianqiu, has been positively infatuated with him and never wants to leave his side, and he’s just downright exhausted.

The only thing keeping him going is that Hua Cheng should be here in five days. He’s already asked for Saturday night into Sunday afternoon off to celebrate his birthday in peace, and Mei Niangqing approved, so long as he didn’t find himself in another state again. To put his host at ease, Xie Lian showed a reservation at the little inn just a half mile from the fairgrounds.

What he didn’t show him was the emails between himself and Hua Cheng coordinating their stay there – which was five days, not one night. He wanted Hua Cheng to get the full experience out here: appreciate the landscape, day trips to nearby National Parks, and if he’s sneaky enough, to introduce him to some of his favorite animals on the farm. And maybe, just maybe, sleep in an actual bed with him again. Realistically, they won’t always have alternatives like waterbeds or air mattresses. That is, unless they go camping…

No, he needs to toughen up.

OK, actually, he just needs to worry about that in the morning. Right now, he just needs to lay here. He has to be up way too early tomorrow, so he might as well sleep here. That shouldn’t be hard, given how comfortable this couch is. It’s funny how safe he feels in the house of a man he barely knows. If he wasn’t being kept here like a prisoner, he wouldn’t mind staying indefinitely in a place like this………

He told Yushi Huang he didn’t blame her for what she did. He’d much rather her children live than himself, but it still leaves a bad taste in his mouth that there are so many people familiar with his captor’s dealings, and looking for him at that. Luckily, Pei Ming didn’t seem to know who he was, but what if he did? He might’ve been taken right to him.

No, he decides he absolutely cannot leave the area with anyone but Hua Cheng after this. And he can’t be alone. So when he went to town a few days ago with Mei Niangqing for that therapy appointment he always skips, he admitted he hadn’t gone in weeks. Mei Niangqing looked ready to blow a gasket after the stress of the past few days, but overcame it quickly enough. “Let’s get a drink,” he’d said, “and you tell me why you’re trying to give me more gray hair than I already have.”

As it would turn out, Mei Niangqing was a good listener, and had a degree in clinical psychology. Still, Xie Lian only told him so much, and they agreed to permanently cease the therapy appointments if Xie Lian would start keeping a journal. One page a day, that was the deal.

He didn’t write anything today, so he’ll just draw a picture of the judge at the opening steer event falling in cow shit; that was the highlight.

Just as he dozes off on the couch, he feels someone touch his shoulder and jolts awake, squinting at the face of a young man. “What?!” He snaps – then regrets, for startling the poor kid. It’s just Lang Qianqiu.

“Sorry,” Even in the dark, Xie Lian can tell his face is flushed. “Old Teacher said I could sleep here. I’m not feeling well.”

“What’s wrong?”

He sits on the ground by the couch, wiping his eyes. “I’m sorry to do this in front of you.”

“I’ve seen worse. Should I get you some medicine?”

“No, no. I’m just… I’m not sick. This is where I go to cry,” he face palms, his shoulders shaking with sobs. “They’d tease me in the cabin, so I come here. I’ve seen you up at night, too. In the computer room. You write?”

“Nights are hard for me too..” Xie Lian says, wondering just how much this boy has seen. He probably thinks Xie Lian is writing the next great American novel, not chatting with his estranged boyfriend.

“Why? I’ve seen your room, it looks nice, and you don’t have to share it with ten other boys…”

Xie Lian smiles. “No, you’re right. But tell me, why are you so upset? Maybe I can help, being a camp counselor and all…”

He looks like he’s been begging someone to ask, given the instant relief on his face when he signs, “My dad died in February or March, no one knows. No one told me until six weeks ago. He didn’t live with us.”

“I’m sorry,” He sits up properly, patting the seat beside him. “My dad died too. I didn’t know for a long time. I know it’s hard.”

“How did he die?”

“He…”

He can’t picture it, the thought of his dad, slumped over against the bed that Xie Lian used to crawl into when he was scared as a child, the light gone from his eyes. He can’t say it, not to this kid, who’s already carrying enough pain as it is. Xie Lian swallows the lump in his throat. “He was found dead. My mom found him dead.”

***

Entry 1 7/6/90

When I think of all the children who visit this place every year, I wonder what they had to do differently for their parents to actually understand what’s best for them.

My parents wanted children. My mother was thirty-four when she had me and had been married for fifteen years. Dad was forty. They even thought of adopting.

And then I was born. Dad was an only child so his parents, my grandparents who I only ever saw as a young child, were so overjoyed they came all the way to California to see me. I remember them sending gifts every birthday until the year Dad finally told them I was deaf, the year I started at my new school. I used to wonder if he was ashamed of me, if that’s why he never told anyone, but now I think it was to protect me from people like them. Or at least, that’s what he thought he was doing. He wanted the world to see me as normal (I HATE that fucking word) to make life easier for me.

But I don’t know. These kids seem pretty happy to me. They have their share of problems – bullies, limited opportunities, and struggling to read relative’s lips– but their parents try. They’re signing up for ASL classes. They’re proactively looking for opportunities like this.

It’s easier to bash my father. He’s dead. He can’t read this.

I’m hesitant to say anything about my mother. I do believe she loved me. She too wanted me to be treated ‘’normally’’ (ARGH), but at least she didn’t hide me away. I hold no grudges towards her, except one: she gave up on me after I disappeared.

When I see her again – IF I see her, that’s the first thing I’ll ask. Why did you give up on me? Like my captor said, did you truly wish I was never born?

***

July 10th, 1990

“I’m here at the house now and the yard looks just fine, it looks like the neighbor’s keeping his word about mowing the lawn,” Liu Yan stands on the back porch of Xie Lian’s house, the cord of the telephone winding into the house, past the kitchen. Ruby and Jade explore the yard, seeming particularly keen on sniffing the back corner by the shed.

She comes here every two weeks to leave payment for the neighbor who’s keeping up the yard and collecting any mail. It’s really no trouble, considering one of her good friends lives in the area, and she’ll take any excuse to go on a long drive on her own. Well, almost on her own. Ruby and Jade wanted to come along.

Hua Cheng gave her a call a few minutes after she arrived, knowing that she was here. Apparently, he’s in Salt Lake City. It would be nice if he’d just come home already; she hasn’t seen him in over a month, and she worries. Maybe if he traveled by plane, she’d worry less, but there’s just so many miles of open, vacant roads out there, giving anyone the opportunity to…

No, she won’t think that now.

“Good. I’m hoping gege can either sell it or come back home soon, if that’s what he wants,” Hua Cheng says. He’s in a phone booth. The traffic outside is noisy.

“Property values have gone up, so he could rent the place out at least, get some casual income. That goes for you, too. I could see you as a landlord. Not the slimy kind, of course.”

“After college, maybe. But landlords suck. Remember the one who evicted us from our first place? Piece of shit—”

“Of course I remember. That’s why I made sure nobody could hold a thing over me again after that. And that’s what I want for you, too.”

The dogs are still over in that back corner. Ruby’s starting to dig. “Hey. Stop that!”

Hua Cheng chuckles. “Ruby being an asshole?”

“She just misses you.” She steps further out onto the patio, craning her neck to see just what it is the dogs are so interested in. “Did Xie Lian ever bury a pet gerbil or something? They keep digging at this one spot.”

“I think he had a betta fish for like eight years, but I doubt he buried it.”

Now it looks like Ruby’s got some fabric in her mouth. “Uh-huh… I’ll be right back…” She leaves the receiver on the picnic table and jogs out into the yard. “Spit that out, Ruby.” She pries the fabric from the dog and tosses it onto the fence, out of her reach.

It’s a bandana, covered in mud and ripped. Yeah, she just saved herself an expensive vet visit. Ruby likes to eat everything. “Goofy girl… you have no idea where that’s been.” She wipes her hands on her jeans and turns back towards the back porch, only to find a woman standing there, holding the receiver in one hand and a small suitcase in the other.

“What are you doing back there?” She asks softly, her gaze fixed on the bandana.

Inexplicably, she looks just like Xie Lian.

Chapter Text

During

December 6th, 1986

As soon as Mei Niangqing stepped out of the plane at SFO, he was overtaken by the dramatic rise in temperature. Sure, it’s just over fifty degrees, but he just came from frigid, snowy mountains where winter had already set in, so he’ll take this weather.

It’s been probably ten or twelve years since he’s visited California. He hasn’t quite kept count. After the war ended, life fell apart and there seemed no better time to escape. He found himself in some small town near the Idaho-Wyoming border, rented a cabin on a cattle ranch, and never looked back, not even when the owner of the ranch died unexpectedly and left everything to him.

He was a good man. Mei Niangqing might have even loved him, just a little, but that’s a time well into the past now. He’s had his fill of love, of boyfriends, or even casual flings. That’s why this is the last time he’s coming to California. He’s just here for his youngest brother’s wedding and that’s it. And when he stays with Jun Wu, his absolute oldest friend who’d recently reconnected with him through a series of letters, absolutely nothing will happen between them. He means it, even when his heart acts a bit funny when he sees the man waiting for him outside the airport. He’s had it. Even though Jun Wu somehow looks better with age. He’s done. Even considering how long he’s been alone at the ranch, a place not even his brothers are willing to visit. He really is over it. Over him.

Yet two hours later, he’s under him and feeling very annoyed with himself. How does this always happen? Jun Wu must be a succubus or something. He hates him. Still, it’s been a long time, and while he would never admit it, it is nice being wanted, being pleasured, even if it’s him. Jun Wu has his share of deep, various flaws, but being poor in bed is not one of them. That’s exactly why he keeps ending up here, and exactly why he’s kept away for so long. He doesn’t want a relationship, but Jun Wu always does, and Mei Niangqing is tired of being the cause of someone else’s pain.

So this really is the last time. He’ll tell him that in the morning. Or maybe the evening after the wedding. He does need a plus one.

.

He’s bundled up under the warmth of this sweet smelling fleece blanket (lavender, he thinks) when he feels the other side of the bed dip down again, the person in question cold as though they’d stepped out into the night air.

But Jun Wu doesn’t smoke, and Mei Niangqing is right here. “Where’d you go?” He whispers, too lazy to turn around. If Jun Wu doesn’t want to tell him, he’ll probably respond just as softly, knowing well of Mei Niangqing’s limited range of hearing. He knows it better than anyone else in the world, being that he was the one who found Mei Niangqing the day it happened, who carried him back to their apartment, who was there with him until Mei Niangqing told him to go away…

Maybe that’s why he’s never quite been able to let go. It’s that ugly guilt.

Jun Wu pulls him from his thoughts with one chilling, simple sentence. “I messed up.”

“What?” Mei Niangqing stares at the clock on the side table. Two-fifteen.

“I said I fucking messed up.”

Mei Niangqing has known this man and all his attributes – his passion, his genius, his anger, his pain, his self-righteousness, since he was thirteen years old. There were times he’d been cautious of him, but never afraid.

Not until now.

Now, and maybe it’s the ghost of his parents or some higher being altogether, he’s afraid to even turn around. He feels as though if he does, he will see someone else entirely. Someone he should be afraid of. Someone who’s done something irreversible.

Mei Niangqing’s grip on the fleece blanket is white knuckled. It’s taking everything in him to keep his breathing steady as he asks, “Do you need help?”

He doesn’t have to have the sharpest hearing to tell Jun Wu is laughing behind him. Suddenly, Mei Niangqing is acutely aware of everything touching him - this itchy damn blanket, the pain in his lower back, the stickiness between his legs, his damp hair – and he hates it all. He wants to run. “What did you do?” He tries again, a little more firmly.

The laughing stops.

Then he feels Jun Wu’s hands on him, and the next thing he knows, he’s looking in the tear stained face of a man he truly thought he knew, but now seems nothing more than a stranger. “You are the only person in this entire world who has ever asked me that.” He says. “So either I’m a fucking terrible person or the world’s the problem. I realize it may be the former.”

Mei Niangqing calls out the man’s name – his birth name, not the nonsense he came up with to rebel against his family, and his eyes widen a bit.

“Whatever you’ve done,” Mei Niangqing continues uneasily, “can be undone, but you’d have to let me help you.”

“Remember that boy that went missing in our neighborhood? What was it, 1958?”

“The summer we met.” Mei Niangqing replies. “What about it?”

Jun Wu looks at him for a long moment with wide, fearful eyes. Then he starts rubbing his face, muttering nonsense. Mei Niangqing scoots a bit closer to hear him better, but soon wishes he didn’t. “Faces… I just see so many damn faces. Haunted by them. And when I look at that damn kid—”

“What kid?”

Jun Wu pauses, lifting his head from his hands. “No one.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right? What kid—”

Jun Wu puts himself together again, puts on a smile, even pets Mei Niangqing’s hair. “Perhaps if I loved you less, I could talk about it more.”

Mei Niangqing’s heart felt like ice as he took Jun Wu’s hand. “You don’t get to drop Austen quotations in such a deep moment. What’s next, Victor Hugo? What’s really going on? Why are you so upset?”

Of course he didn’t say. Of course he just kissed Mei Niangqing’s forehead and told him how happy he was to see him again, how much he missed him.

Mei Niangqing is a very good actor. As good as he is at putting shields around his heart. He smiles and lies beside the man all night. In the morning, he’ll call the local police station, he’ll tell them he may have information about a cold case dating back to 1958.

And they’ll tell him due to funding, they are stretched incredibly thin, have no detective assigned to that case, and currently swamped with another missing person turned homicide case– a college student last seen on November 12th– but if he has any specific information on the case, he can come in.

It’s hard to hear the man very well, especially after he brings up the missing college student. Coincidentally, he went to the same school Jun Wu works at. Could he be the ‘kid’ Jun Wu was referring to?

During

January 1990

Towards the end, there were different rules.

No more crosswords.

No more reading on the stairs.

No more clothes.

A shackle around his ankle, allowing him just as far as the fourth step from the top. He had to stretch to reach the combination. When his captor finally figured out what he was doing, he laughed and removed it and told Xie Lian to play with it while he fucked him. If he managed to guess the combination, he’d leave him alone for a whole week.

It became a game for him. Watching Xie Lian’s trembling fingers work at the combination seemed to really excite him. “Not even close,” he’d say.

“Warmer…. Warmer. Colder. You’ve lost it.”

But the TV was brought back down again, and his captor was always watching. It was football season, the playoffs. He’d say, I wish you’d behave enough to go to a game with me, I’d love to see Montana in action.

Xie Lian didn’t know who Montana was.

Then came the Super Bowl, which his captor was very excited about, and Xie Lian finally figured that out.

He was taken back to a warm October day in 1986, when Hua Cheng had come over to watch the game with him. Quarterback, he’d said, pointing to number 16. He’s the one that throws the ball. 16… like the number on his captor’s t-shirt today. That’s Montana, and his captor seems to be quite the fan.

He never thought about interests playing a factor into the combination for the door, but as he continued fidgeting with the combination against the wall while his captor watched the game, 16 was always included in his guesses.

The 49ers won.

If he knew what year it was, maybe he’d have guessed the combination two weeks earlier and maybe life would be a whole lot different.

But whether he’d stayed in that basement for a day, a year, or a decade, he fears that he’d still be in the exact same place now.

***

After

July 10th, 1990

“I have to admit, I’m still in disbelief at everything that’s happened,” Mrs. Xie says, slowly easing onto an unfamiliar sofa in what used to be her living room. But Xie Lian had replaced the flooring in nearly every room, and the furniture too. Surely, he had his reasons. He was always so forward thinking. So modern. These drapes are too boring, the couch is so cold with this plastic wrapping, I promise I won’t spill anything on it, can’t we take it off? This wallpaper is so dated, Mom, can’t we paint the walls together some weekend? How about a color TV? You can take all my pay for the rest of the year for a color TV.

Not only did they get a color TV that year, but she and her husband splurged the entirety of their Christmas bonuses on a Telecaption 3000 for him. And she’ll never forget the look on his face when he unwrapped it. It was this look of disbelief, almost denial, like he genuinely believed he didn’t deserve it. He was their son, of course he deserved it. And he deserved far more and far better than he ever got…

Liu Yan passes her a cup of tea – well, a coffee mug of tea, and then returns to where she was sitting on the floor by the coffee table. There’s a stack of papers to go through, police evidence, copies of statements, photographs. It’s not the ideal way to start out but Mrs. Xie insisted she could handle it.

“He escaped on February 14th at just after six in the morning, in a neighborhood about ten miles away from his apartment. Ah… there’s a map here, so you can see where–”

She stares down at the paper, studying each and every street name. “I’ve never heard of this area. I don’t know anyone from there, either.”

“It was over an hour drive for me,” Liu Yan says, setting the map aside.

“Of course you were quick to answer the call, you’ve always been so dependable.” Mrs. Xie notes with a trace of bitterness in her voice. I should’ve been here, she can’t help but think. I should’ve been the first person he saw.

Liu Yan continues with a bit more hesitation. “Uh, let’s see here… he was found in fairly good condition, thankfully, no diseases or illnesses, and not terribly underweight. He was alert and released just a few days after. My son was with him every day in the hospital, so he was never alone. That boy, I swear, he’s just so good—”

“Good is a criminal understatement. He was too good to my son. Far too good. How long had they even known each other, a month? A month, and your son has gone to such lengths… I have to admit, I don’t understand it one bit.”

Carefully, Liu Yan sets down her cup. “Well, it was two and a half months. I only met him a few weeks before he disappeared.”

“That just doesn’t make sense. He never told us about the two of you. If he was so close with people – if he met someone like him and was able to bond so quickly, why wouldn't he have said so? I would’ve loved to meet you both under better circumstances. And… and then – you take him into your home? You take off work for him? Your son, too? I just… they hardly knew each other, you hardly knew him! I’ve never met people so kind to a mere friend…”

Politely, yet firmly, she places her hands down on the table. “I’m not one to beat around the bush, and I don’t think it’s fair to you, either. Ma’am, your son is gay and so is mine. They were dating back then and they’re dating now and because this backwards country may never legalize a union between them, we’re as close to family as we can get. My son has loved him all this time and so have I, and from the moment I met your wonderful kid, he’s been like another son to me. And I’m sorry to throw this on you, but that’s that.”

Liu Yan must surely have realized she overstepped, for she draws back a bit, fiddling with one of the papers on the table.

On one hand, she knew it wasn’t her place to out Xie Lian, but then again, she’s the mother of his boyfriend and has some stake in this situation. And besides, she had to know it wouldn’t be fair to keep Mrs. Xie in the dark about this forever – truly, it would be rather odd for a mere friend of two months to go to such great lengths for Xie Lian.

Mrs. Xie, with a clenched jaw, stares down at her coffee table for a long, long time.

Just before Liu Yan speaks up again, the other woman says in a quiet, almost forced voice, “Well, thank you for telling me. I’m sure you anticipated a terrible reaction from me… but I honestly don’t know what to say.”

“I’m not sure of your position on this subject, and it’s not my place to tell you what to do,” Liu Yan continues cautiously, “but I’m completely open to it, and I plan on continuing to be there for your son when he returns, however I can. He really is an incredible person.”

When she’s dazed, a bit confused, she looks just like her son. Of course it’s a lot to take in. First, you find out your kid’s alive over three years after the police assured you he wasn’t, then that he’s in witness protection, then that he’s gay and dating the man you thought was his best friend, and everyone knew but you.

Before Liu Yan can speak up again, growing increasingly worried at the other woman’s silence, Xie Lian’s mother finally replies. “You’re a lot younger than me. You’ve got three boys, so you’re an expert on parenting. Much more energetic, modern, forward-thinking. People like my son take one look at you and they just know you’re someone they can depend on. I wish my A-Lian saw me that way, and trusted me enough to tell me, but I suppose he never did.”

***

July 14th, 1990

He blinks awake to his watch buzzing against his wrist. 5AM might as well be the middle of the night still, especially with how cold it is. He gives himself twenty more minutes and readjusts himself, looking at the thin wall of his tent, his left hand resting against Hua Cheng’s chest, feeling his heartbeat, the steady rise and fall like gentle waves.

He got in late last night. Xie Lian had to leave the fair a bit earlier than planned due to a sick camper who demanded upon going back to his cabin and was stirring up quite a ruckus. Instead of forcing him to stay, Mei Niangqing gave him the OK to go back with him and a few others early. Later that evening, they decided on camping out to lift everyone’s spirits, and when Xie Lian snuck up to the house at 11:30, Hua Cheng had just emailed, asking when they would be meeting.

Wildly, Xie Lian decided to reply: Now.

As soon as he typed in the directions and pressed send, he knew there was no turning back. As a result, his heart started hammering in his chest. He rose to his feet on trembling legs and stumbled towards the kitchen to find their collection of flashlights.

He’s always wary of going out at night, but Hua Cheng would just come as far as the driveway before cutting his engine, and flash his lights when he’s nearby, so he didn’t have to wander past the barn. In fact, given that it would take Hua Cheng at least twenty-five minutes to get here, he decided it wasn’t a bad idea to wait in the barn and talk out his nerves with Daisy.

When he pulled open the barn door and shone his flashlight around, Daisy was the only one looking his way, the others too drowsy to care.

“I’m glad you’re up,” he told her. “I just did something impulsive. If anyone finds out, I’ll be in so much trouble. But God,” he laughed at his own behavior, shaking his head, “I can’t wait any longer. I have to see him. I don’t… ha, I don’t even know what I’m going to say to him when I see him. I don’t know that I can say a word, I think I’ll just end up kissing him. Somehow, that’s how it always goes. But I’ll tell you what: I don’t mind it. If you knew what his kisses felt like, you’d understand.”

.

So here they are the next morning, breaking every rule in the book – if the rule breaking includes inviting a friend to your tent and falling asleep not long after, which it probably does. But Hua Cheng is so warm, and he smells so nice, and sleeping out here in this field is so peaceful, and his head is so calm. Sure, there’ll be a little craziness in twenty minutes when he has to kick Hua Cheng out and direct him to the inn they’ll be staying at tonight, but right now, he’s half asleep and is happier than he’s been in a long time. He also managed four hours of consecutive sleep unaided by alcohol, so that justifies this situation.

This is nice.

It’d be even better if there weren’t like a dozen children within twenty feet of his tent, but this is nice. The sky is starting to turn a dark blue, and he imagines the roosters are going crazy in the barn. Most of the campers will be up by six, six thirty, mostly for the toilet, being too afraid to go outside overnight. They should probably…

Hua Cheng shifts a bit, his arm moving up to stroke Xie Lian’s back, holding him a little closer. Before Xie Lian can say anything, Hua Cheng cradles the back of his head and kisses his hair. He’s like a sleepy, affectionate cat. Another few hours and they can spend the entire day and night together, and tomorrow morning too, and he truly cannot believe how lucky he is to be laying here right now with him.

There’s so much he wants to talk to him about. He wants to show him his journal for those conversations that are sometimes too hard to have, those memories that are too hard to share. He wants to talk to Hua Cheng about college, share his enthusiasm, properly congratulate him for getting accepted. It is a big deal and he’s so, so proud of him, and sure he feels a twinge of sadness that he never got to finish college, but that doesn’t matter now. A degree wouldn’t do him any good, and he’s fairly positive he’d be unable to go back into an academic mindset. How could he ever prioritize something as trivial as an essay or quiz after everything he’s been through?

.

“Where are you going this evening, Teacher El?” Lang Qiangqiu asks as they wait for their group to finish up with the ferris wheel. Neither like heights, but Xie Lian would rather not be stuck with this kid up there anyway. He’s always talking, and Xie Lian is just counting down the minutes until he can leave with Hua Cheng.

“Nowhere fun,” He replies. “Just looking for a break, you know? Maybe I’ll drive out a ways and get some fast food. It’s been so long.”

Lang Qiangqiu smiles. “Did I tell you my dad owned a chain restaurant in California?”

Oh, he probably did. Lang Qiangqiu’s beloved, chronically absent, departed father, was such a great man. A very rich man. He owned 42 houses across the country, from California to Florida and Vermont to Texas. He sent his son to a premiere private school prior to Lang Qiangqiu contracting bacterial meningitis. Then, he went to a school for the deaf in Virginia, where he lived with his mom, and has done two summer programs at Gallaudet. He has the most expensive hearing aids on the market.

He rains praise down on his dead father because he’s grieving, not because he was actually that good of a man. How good could he have been, given that his permanent residence was in some southern state and not remotely near his family? Lang Qiangqiu probably told him why that was, but Xie Lian hasn’t been paying much attention.

Every time he talks about his damn father, Xie Lian can only think of the owner of the house he was kept at. His surname was Lang, but that’s not the rarest surname in the world. Still, the fact that he died in a car accident in February or March in Northern California, same as this boy’s father, who also happened to own several properties in the Bay Area, is a coincidence that does not escape him. He just can’t talk about it, or seem too interested. He’s not Xie Lian during work hours.

Part of him, a very small, paranoid part, fears that this man, this great Mr. Lang, knew about his imprisonment in that basement. Maybe he’d even seen him. His face couldn’t have been that similar to his captor’s, right? And even if he hadn’t seen Xie Lian, surely he knew something. He was driving that van, for God’s sake.

It was hard enough these past few months sitting with the fact that everyone knew he’d been his captor’s plaything for years. He didn’t have to give details for them to know, and that brought him an incredible amount of shame he’s not yet had the courage to write about. He can equate it perhaps to how a pregnant woman must feel announcing her pregnancy to her family, or perhaps newlyweds the morning after the wedding: everyone knows I’ve had sex.

In his case, it’s worse, because everyone knows he was raped and he wasn’t strong enough to stop it. Being a man, of course he should’ve been strong enough. And on the contrary , being a gay man, there are plenty of those who would think he enjoyed it.

“Teacher El,” one of the youngest boys has just climbed off the ferris wheel and tugs Xie Lian’s sleeve, “can we get lunch now? I’m hungry.”

He thinks he nods, but he’s not really sure. He can’t stop thinking about Mr. Lang being yet another person to see him at his lowest. Since Lang Qiangqiu knows so much about his precious father, maybe he knows the answer.

“You feeling OK?” All Lang Qiangqiu did was gently graze against his forearm, but Xie Lian severely flinches at the contact and takes a step back. He starts to feel dizzy but isn’t sure if it’s from the heat.

“Teacher El?” He tries again. “I can take them to one of the food stands…”

“Please, yes.” He rubs his forehead. It feels cold and clammy. “I’ll be right back. Sit them down somewhere and wait for me.”

“Sure,” Lang Qiangqiu immediately starts ushering the kids away, but his eyes, full of worry for a person he doesn’t even know, linger on Xie Lian until they’re all out of sight.

He looks at that damn kid and sees the corpse in that medical examiner tent, with its decomposing body, exposed teeth and missing eyes. The great Mr. Lang, it has to be. What did he think of the young man kept in his vehicle? Did he have a hand in choosing him? And was that all, really? What was the extent of his involvement - watching from afar or even…

Had he ever……..

The Port-a-Potty toilet makes him sicker than he already is, and he can’t even bear to place a hand on the lid to support himself. His head spins for a long time and the plastic surroundings seem to cook him alive. But he’s not dying in a place like this. He leans back against the door, the cleanest spot, and tries to ground himself.

He’s in a suffocating hot pile of shit, essentially, which isn’t too removed from where he spent the back half of the 80s. The difference now is that with a trembling hand, he can unlock the door and leave.

And his captor isn’t here and can’t find him, and Mr. Lang is dead, and Hua Cheng is just a few minutes away, waiting for him at the inn. He’s OK. In a crowded place like this, no one would dare try anything as dramatic as kidnapping a grown man.

Or at least, that’s what he has to keep telling himself. He doesn’t quite believe it.

Fifteen minutes later, he’s finished two cups of very expensive ice water and watches his group from afar; they’re now at the pavilion and digging into their incredibly ridiculous lunches. His mind is still a bit detached from his head, so he’s not wondering whether funnel cakes are part of a balanced meal or how a cherry snowcone will properly hydrate a growing girl or perhaps how long her face will be stained from the dye.

No, he’s somewhere else entirely. He’s in a field and he’s alone and there’s no one around for miles and he can see it all from here, every last acre of empty land. He’s watching the gently flowing river and breathing slowly, in and out. He’s safe. He’s not going back there.

He’s safe.

Mei Niangqing eventually finds him, cheerful as always. He’s talking about all the ribbons they’ll be taking home and how tired these kids should be after today. He trails off eventually, noticing something in Xie Lian that he thought he was doing well at hiding.

“Some days are hard,” He says, leaning against a nearby pavilion post. “They just are, and there’s no sense trying to pretend everything’s OK. It will be OK, eventually, yeah, but it’s not right now.”

“I’m trying to be OK.”

“I know. You’re doing great, kid. You’ve improved a lot since you first came here. Maybe you don’t see it, but I do. I mean, you were too afraid to come out of your room for days, and now you’re here at this crowded carnival and even though it’s hard, you’re still standing.”

“I feel like I should be over it by now.”

Mei Niangqing scoffs. “If you should, then I’m long overdue. I ever tell you I hate carnivals? Every year for twenty years, I dread going. I see a ferris wheel and I get all prickly. Commercials even piss me off. This old teacher can hold a grudge too.” He smiles briefly before palming the front, then back pockets of his jeans. “Ah, here, before I forget. A little gift for your birthday, in case I don’t see you tomorrow.” He passes over a small orange envelope and Xie Lian feels his cheeks growing warm.

“You didn’t have to–”

“Ah-ah, none of that. I bet it’s been ages since you’ve gotten a gift and with all the work you do here, you absolutely deserve it.”

The envelope is a bit heavy, which surprises him as he’d expected a basic card or perhaps money – basic things that people give a person they don’t really know.

What he finds instead is a pocket knife. Lotus flowers have been carved into its wooden handle.

Xie Lian stares down at it, running a finger along the intricate curves of the lotus flower. “How did you…”

Mei Niangqing shrugs innocently. “I get bored sometimes over the winter and pick up all sorts of hobbies. It’s good to have one of these on you when you’re out there working. I thought yours should be special - I thought it should represent you – someone who’s strong and resilient and —”

However Mei Niangqing was going to finish that sentence, Xie Lian will never know. He stuffed the pocket knife back into the envelope and hugged Mei Niangqing as tight as he could, tears already spilling from his eyes.

He could’ve been sent anywhere back in April, and while he initially hated the arrangement, he now realizes how lucky he is to be in a place like this, with someone who genuinely cares about him. Someone who, dare he even think it, has become not just a mentor, but his friend.

When Xie Lian calms down a bit, when he’s pulled away, Mei Niangqing admits that while he has had a policy for years not to get attached to any of his visitors, he made an exception for Xie Lian. “You’re like a son to me, whether you like it or not. I want your case to get solved more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I want you to be happy. You deserve to live a very long life and be very, very happy.”

Xie Lian nods, rubbing at his eyes. He can’t cry in front of the kids, but it doesn’t look like he’ll be able to stop anytime soon. “I want that too…”

What he doesn’t say is that even though there’s still so much pain and darkness consuming his heart, lately it’s felt like something’s started to chip away at it, slowly but surely. Like it’s letting the light back in… or perhaps letting it in for the first time ever.

***

Mei Niangqing leads the troop of children out of the fairgrounds at half past four and reminds Xie Lian to have fun on his night off, but not too much fun as the local market doesn’t carry protection and none of the men around here are worth his time.

Little did he know, one was.

He waits an agonizing ten minutes before hurrying out of the fairgrounds himself. It’s a half mile walk from here to the inn, busier than usual with folks staying the week at the county fair to care for their animals. It’s lucky they got a room at all.

Or so he thought, anyway, because he finds Hua Cheng loitering outside the inn, pacing back and forth by his muddied bike. “San Lang!” He calls, jogging across the street.

Hua Cheng face brightens considerably, but there’s still a twinge of annoyance there.

Xie Lian pauses just three feet away from him. “What’s wrong?”

“Our room was snatched by some good for nothing local representative who didn’t want to drive the extra 30 minutes. Backwater town…” He clips shut the leather bag on the back of his bike, mumbling obscenities to himself.

“Let’s worry about that later. I can tell you’re hungry and overheated. You’ll feel better after you eat.”

They cross into Wyoming and sit outside a local fast food restaurant, people watching the tourists on their way to Yellowstone or the Grand Tetons. Xie Lian still hasn’t gone to either.

“Those mountains are incredible,” Hua Cheng notes casually, scowl still evident from earlier but much less prominent, “but hell to drive through, and I don’t scare easy.”

Xie Lian can imagine the winding, elevated roads are scary enough by car, let alone on a motorcycle. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. New Jersey was scarier.” He takes a long sip of his soda. Coca-cola today, because he’s tired and wants the caffeine.

Xie Lian smiles at him. He’s so cute. “So you went to New York City, then?”

“Nope.” He sets the drink down and crosses his ankles. “I’m waiting for you. I went to Niagara Falls last month.”

“Wow… you really did go everywhere.” Xie Lian leans against him, shifting his attention back to the mountains. “I think if I had a car, I’d do the same thing. Just drive and drive until I’m out of gas and see where I end up. I’ve only ever been here and California, but now you’ve seen just about everywhere in the whole country.”

Unsurprisingly, Hua Cheng’s arm slips around him shortly after. “I don’t remember most of it. It’s boring without you.”

“Oh no,” Xie Lian beams at him. “We’ll just have to go again, together this time, and take lots of pictures so you’ll remember.”

“Pictures, yeah. We’ll need those because I’ll never stop looking at you anyway.” Hua Cheng tells him, smooth as ever.

“Even while driving? That’s not good…”

Hua Cheng pulls him close, laugh bubbling in his chest, as warm and contagious as ever. Xie Lian meets his fond gaze, a hand on his shoulder.

“I love you,” Hua Cheng tells him.

“I know.” Xie Lian brings their lips together, hand sliding down to rest on Hua Cheng’s chest, just over his wildly beating heart.

***

A tent nestled by a rushing river in some off-road campground of a national park is certainly no luxury hotel like they’d hoped for, but the campsite is cozy. Hua Cheng stays in sight as he collects firewood at the treeline, while Xie Lian watches their existing tiny campfire, carving knicks with his new pocketknife into a stick deemed unworthy to burn. He thinks of the campers and how they’d beg for marshmallows at the sight of every single fire they encountered, sending a smile to his lips. He’ll bring back a few bags tomorrow night.

When Hua Cheng returns with a pile of sticks, Xie Lian sets down his knife and tips his head up, thoroughly pleased when he’s given a peck on the lips. Hua Cheng sinks onto a nearby tree stump and watches the fire. “This place is nice. Wish we’d brought more to eat.”

“I can catch fish by hand,” Xie Lian tells him. “If you get hungry enough, we can catch something in the stream.”

“That’s a job for the bears.” Hua Cheng replies, extending a leg to press his foot against Xie Lian’s.

Still, the water looks beautiful. There are probably plenty of fish here with so few people in the area. “I’m going to take a look.” He says, pushing himself to his feet. Hua Cheng follows him, just a few steps behind. The real reason Xie Lian got up wasn’t because of the fish, but rather the way that his body keeps feeling as though it’s set ablaze just like the sticks in the fire every time Hua Cheng touches him.

They’re alone out here, and that’s dangerous for a different reason than one might think.

They haven’t been completely alone together in a very long time, after all, and each time they have ended the same way. But the woods, out here in nature, that’s just a bit too rugged for his taste.

He slowly makes his way down the grassy path to the water, calling behind him for Hua Cheng to be mindful of the mud that he’s already almost slipped in twice.

And maybe he’s a little nervous about where their time together will go, or if it should go that way. Hua Cheng might start to think Xie Lian’s just using him for sex, or get worried that he’s not ready to go all the way. He really shouldn’t, it’s not like it’s his first–

A flash of blinding, white light followed by an immediate earth-shaking rumble makes him lose his footing, and the next thing he knows he’s landed in the river.

He hadn’t noticed storm clouds rolling in due to the thick canopy of trees above them in the woods, but like most summer storms, the downpour is instant. Fortunately, the water isn’t deep here – he’s even able to stand up…

And that’s when he slips on a rock and topples over again. This time, the current has its way with him, pushing him downstream a bit. Hua Cheng is already knee deep in the water, but Xie Lian, embarrassed from his repeated blunder, promises he’s fine.

But he can’t stand up this time. The tips of his toes hardly graze the earth below. The current is strong, not quite overpowering, but enough that he quickly has to remember how to swim, something he hasn’t done in far too many years and is currently very much struggling with, his head slipping underwater unless he kicks his hardest.

Twenty-eight.

Tomorrow he’ll be twenty-eight.

Far closer to thirty than twenty, no college degree, no family. Old Teacher doesn’t have those things either, but he has the ranch – he has things, his name is in property records, people know him… he has a legacy that’ll outlive him already.

Xie Lian probably won’t ever have most of those things. With no income, family, or life purpose, he’ll likely drift through life alone, not very much differently than what he’s doing right now.

As a strong hand grasps his, he remembers. I have you, he clutches onto Hua Cheng, the one constant in his life, as the two sit on the river’s edge, catching their breath. I want to always have you, if you’d only…

In the frantic nature of the past two minutes, Hua Cheng had managed to lose his eyepatch. He holds Xie Lian tight, his chest rapidly rising and falling, and Xie Lian sees it for the first time.

In spite of himself, he reaches out a cold hand and touches Hua Cheng’s cheek, gently turning his head. Hua Cheng’s remaining eye looks away for a moment, so Xie Lian lifts his other hand, fully cradling his face. Hua Cheng has lost so much because of him.

Xie Lian has gained so much because of him.

The rain pours down heavily over them and the thunder booms as loudly as his heart. He leans in and kisses Hua Cheng’s eyelid. When he opens his eyes, Hua Cheng’s cheeks have gone a bit pink. Xie Lian laughs, just for a moment, before kissing him again.

It feels different now.

Being alone with him before, there was always this unspoken fear in the pit of his stomach, something he’d carried with him since nearly the start of their relationship, from the moment he first saw that awful clown mask outside of Hua Cheng’s car. He’d tried to force it out of himself, but it was no use. This made him desperate. He did things his heart and mind alike weren’t ready for, didn’t truly desire.

But it’s been exactly five months since he got out, and right now that fear has been replaced with something entirely different, something that makes him squirm with impatience, with longing. Hua Cheng touching his clothed body isn’t enough. His lips aren’t enough. Even the friction he chases with his hips aren’t enough. He wishes his thoughts alone could convey what he needs, but this time, he needs to be clear.

“San Lang,” he gasps out, squeezing his hand. “I’m ready.”

Hua Cheng, the man that he is, doesn’t need to ask. He gathers Xie Lian in his arms and carries him back to their site, spurred on perhaps by his own desires.

There was one stipulation. Just one.

For this time, he couldn’t be on his back, and Hua Cheng couldn’t be out of his vision.

Sweetly, Hua Cheng asked if he’d prefer switching; if that’s what he needed, he was willing. Xie Lian told him that his preferences didn’t change in spite of all he’d been through, just his needs. “I want you,” he’d said, well aware of the way his voice trembled with anticipation. “I need you.”

And that was all Hua Cheng needed to know.

.

In and out of him. Slowly at first, as he desperately gripped his shoulders, nails digging into skin, then faster upon his permission. His mind might always be a jumble of emotions during moments like this. Memories, feelings, desire, pain. But for the first time, it doesn’t feel wrong to have something or someone inside of him, and so he lets go, giving way to his body while his mind takes in every sensation. The pouring of the rain on the sides of the tent. The heat off Hua Cheng’s skin. The vibration of his voice against his neck. The stretch of him that gives way from discomfort to pure pleasure far quicker than he thought it would.

The steady stream of tears. The sweat on Hua Cheng’s skin. The smell of the rain and trees. His own voice – quick, quiet little gasps at first that soon grow louder with the storm. On weak, trembling knees, he raises himself up, guides himself down again.

Hua Cheng’s hands, gentle yet firm, gliding across his body. Patient. Gentle. Loving. Everything he’d ever longed for in his time away is right here with him. And then, all too soon, he’s become the supernova, what’s left of him floating through space.

Until Hua Cheng touches his cheek, delicately bringing him down to earth again. It’s dark now, the storm having long since passed. Without a word, he takes both of Hua Cheng’s hands and makes the sign, ‘Again’.

Chapter Text

After

July 15th, 1990

It got cold overnight.

So cold that Xie Lian, in addition to having his face buried in Hua Cheng’s chest, is also wearing his jacket underneath the thick sleeping bag they’ve unzipped to share. Hua Cheng has had a tent and sleeping bag with him since he first got to the Rocky Mountains, because he found out the hard way that there are many regions where hotels or even gas stations are hard to come by.

Even still, it was cold. He didn’t feel cold until well into the night, his body taking that long to cool off from their endeavors. But once he’s cold, he’s cold, and could no longer sleep. That’s when Hua Cheng woke up and fumbled around in the dark to find his jacket, which Xie Lian now buries his nose in.

It’s still cold and still damp, but this is a hell of a lot better way to wake up than being alone.

When Hua Cheng wakes up, he stares up at the ceiling of their little tent for a long time, probably going over the events of the night before. Xie Lian touches his chest, hoping to bring him back to earth again.

Hua Cheng hugs him a little closer, his lips against Xie Lian’s temple. He doesn’t want to get up yet, of course, but they really should get going.

“San Lang,” He tries, pushing himself up onto an elbow.

Hua Cheng reaches up at touches his cheek. “You’re so cold.”

“I know.”

“You want me to warm you up?”

He nods, his ears already going pink.

“Alright, come here.” Hua Cheng helps Xie Lian into his lap, the blanket draped around his shoulders.

It’s easier than it was last night. He’s a little shyer in the light of day, but that gives him even more reason to cling to Hua Cheng, to bury his face deep in his neck.

***

There’s a little diner in the nearest town that serves the best silver dollar pancakes Xie Lian has ever had. It’s early, probably only half past seven, but they wanted to pack up as soon as the sun rose and find a place to spend the day and get a shower before Xie Lian had to head back. That, and Xie Lian could not ignore the rumbling of his stomach any longer. By the time they found the diner, Xie Lian felt a bit shaky from hunger, realizing he’d been eating so well over the past few months that his body couldn’t handle skipping one of Yushi Huang’s incredible breakfasts. This diner, though, was a close second.

Still, how he wanted to just walk into Mei Niangqing’s house with Hua Cheng and tell him to deal with it!

Hua Cheng watches him with a fond smile, his feet touching Xie Lian’s under the table. “You want to order more?”

“This is fine, this is great- you have to try some.” After all, Hua Cheng’s chosen boring toast and eggs – briefly, Xie Lian wonders if it’s to save money. Surely, after weeks on the road, his pockets are going dry. Xie Lian should probably pay for breakfast. Though he isn’t paid much, he has been paid for his work on the farm.

“I’m fine, you finish.” Hua Cheng rests a fist against his cheek, watching him fondly. “You feeling OK?”

How could he be anything but OK? And then he remembers he’s sitting on his leg, having yet to seat himself fully, and perhaps he’s been unconsciously squirming a little – something that Hua Cheng, who never stops watching, would notice.

OK, he’s a little sore from last night and this morning. Going straight from sitting on his boyfriend’s dick to the hard seat of his motorcycle on the rocky, bumpy backroads did not fare him well. “I’m fine,” He decides, “More than fine. I think I’ll feel better after a shower.”

Hua Cheng doesn’t seem positive, but he doesn’t press him. “I’m going to ask about rentals in the area. Even a shabby cabin would be nice. We can shower and get some proper rest before you have to go back later.”

Ah, he doesn’t want to think about later. He forces himself to smile. “Will you come to the fair with me before you go?”

“Sure, but this isn’t goodbye, you know. I plan to see you again tomorrow.” The waitress comes by and brings them the check. Hua Cheng grabs it off the table before Xie Lian can offer to pay. “Oh, before I forget, what do you want for your birthday? I want to do something truly special for you. Anything you want in the whole world.”

This time, Xie Lian’s smile is genuine, and he reaches out to squeeze his hands. “You’re more than enough.”

“Come on…”

“Surprise me. I haven’t gotten a birthday gift, a real one, in so long.”

Hua Cheng sets a ten dollar bill on the table. “OK, honey. I’d be happy to surprise you.”

***

“You’re supposed to call me like every day. Your mom gets worried, kid, stop doing that.”

“I couldn’t find a phone booth,” Hua Cheng taps the toe of his boot against the ground, fiddling with a spare quarter. “But I’m heading to Salt Lake City now, so I’ll probably be back in California sometime next week.”

“Well that’s great, kid. You’ve probably put ten thousand miles on that bike of yours and I hope your tires are OK. Still, if you could move up that visit, that—” The line crackles, and Hua Cheng presses the receiver a bit closer to his ear. “What?”

Tap tap tap! A disgruntled, hungover tourist frowns at Hua Cheng from outside the phone booth, saying something about needing to call his wife.

“Ah – sorry Mom, I have to go. Promise I’ll call again when I get the chance.”

Xie Lian takes his hand as soon as Hua Cheng steps out of the phonebooth. “How’s your mom?”

“She seems to be missing me. I think she’s sappy about me being gone for so long, since I’ve always been around.”

“How sweet. You have to call her more often.”

“I’ll try, but I’m more interested in spending time with you. So, where are we going next?”

“The Grand Tetons,” Xie Lian beams up at him, an absolutely stunning sight, as he clutches a map of the area, “next I was hoping the county fair before we go back to the hotel.”

Though the hotel isn’t far from the ranch as far as travel in this area goes, Xie Lian fully plans on staying out another night. He’s not quite ready to head back and plans to find a spot where Hua Cheng can send an email to Mei Niangqing to let him know. Xie Lian fully anticipates being in major trouble when he returns, but he doesn’t care right now. He’s not ready to go back. He needs Hua Cheng to love this place as much as he does.

***

As it would turn out, it’s not easy to read a map while driving a motorcycle around twisty mountain roads. It’s even harder for Xie Lian to play copilot from behind, which results in them making a total of eight stops in search of the correct roads. Navigating the national park is a whole different venture, though. For one, they have to decide on a trail. Because most of the tourists head for the lakeside path, Xie Lian bravely suggests a more adept trail that leads up into the mountains, promising a wonderful view.

No matter where he looks, there’s a good deal of people around, but Xie Lian reminds himself that nobody knows who he is, and nobody cares who he is, either.

And if a certain man did decide to frequent this trail today, well… it’s easy to trip and stumble down a steep ravine into a rushing river, and accidents are known to happen.

“Have you taken the campers here?” Hua Cheng asks as they take the first steps onto the trail. “How does that work? Lots of kids to watch.”

“We have this rope,” Xie Lian explains, “and everyone holds onto it when we’re in busy or potentially dangerous places. Otherwise, they know to stay with a friend. I always have a little one with me, same with the other older people. But no, we haven’t been here. At least I haven’t.”

“Then I’m glad we get to experience this together.” He takes Xie Lian’s hand, raising it to his lips.

Xie Lian finds himself going red all over again. “San Lang…”

“What?”

“You’re not embarrassed to hold my hand in public?”

“Let’s see. Do you think bears and bison and all the other animals care?”

“No…”

“And if we come across people, will they be looking at us or the incredible views?”

“Still…”

“I’m not ashamed of us.” Hua Cheng says firmly. “And I’m not just here for the sightseeing. If I was, I could’ve gone by myself. I just want to be with you.”

Xie Lian stumbles through a “me too” before turning away- not willing to let go of his hand, but unable to take the heat of his gaze any longer. I really don’t deserve someone as incredible as you.

He feels it in his soul. Sure, he wasn’t bad looking, but to receive this level of love and devotion from someone like Hua Cheng… how could it possibly be deserved?

Two months. That’s all the time they knew each other before. It’s not enough time to properly fall in love, to devote one’s life to - especially when the other person disappears for three entire years. Sure, those two months were all Xie Lian needed to fall in love, but that was partially spurred on by two things:

The fact that no one had ever made him feel seen and valued before, and

He’d spent three years being tortured in a basement by a man who was hellbent on convincing him that no had or would ever love him, so all he could think of to comfort himself, to continue another day, was of the man who proved his captor wrong.

These are his reasons, but he still doesn’t know Hua Cheng’s. Hua Cheng, who showers him in such unwavering devotion and love, who’s been perfect to him since the moment they met. What are his motivations? There’s only so far people will go for love alone. And to devote one’s life to love alone? No one is so passionate. No one just knows at twenty one years old that they want to spend their whole life loving someone, especially someone who they can seldom even see.

No, surely he must have some other passion, some other dream. Maybe he finds it insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but it matters too. He should talk about it. One of them should be doing something with their life, after all. Xie Lian pulls Hua Cheng’s attention from a particularly fat squirrel dashing up a tree so he can ask. “When are you going to college, San Lang?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Spring, maybe.” Hua Cheng answers, completely casual. Like it doesn’t matter. Like it’s not a huge thing to be proud of, getting into college the same year he got his GED, after everything he’s endured. Hua Cheng is about to go so far with his life and he’s acting like it’s nothing.

Xie Lian pushes him a bit. “But I thought they offered you a work-study position… you don’t want to go this fall? Campus will look so pretty in the fall…”

“Not ready.” Hua Cheng squeezes his hand. “I don’t even know if I’ll be ready in the spring. Maybe if you were with me, or if I knew anyone there, but who wants to brave east coast winters, anyway? Overrated.”

“You sounded excited to go..” Xie Lian says, referencing the emails they’d exchanged earlier this summer. “What changed?”

“I guess the reality of the situation. Even if my tuition is covered, I still have to find a job to pay for my apartment – otherwise, stay on campus and go into too much debt, and I don’t think they have space for me to park my bike.”

“You’re talented,” Xie Lian tells him. “You’ll have no trouble finding a job at any given mechanic. Or even some other place. Why not go back there now and start job hunting?”

“Like I said, I’m not ready. I feel like I can’t focus on that, on education and grades and a new job, until you’re OK, until that piece of shit is found, too.”

Don’t wait on me to start living your life, Xie Lian wants to tell him, but he doesn’t.

It’s a good thing Xie Lian has kept so busy this summer, otherwise this hike would be a challenge. But the higher they climb, the prettier the view is. Xie Lian has often wondered if his vision is more enhanced than hearing people, or if everyone can see the fluorescent forest, the shimmering lake below, the luscious mountains surrounding them, just like he does.

The two find a rock at the next overlook to rest on and continue taking in the views. Hua Cheng lies back on it, gazing up at the trees. He’s wearing the prosthetic eye today. It causes less staring.

Now that Xie Lian’s seen him without, his curiosity and guilt are neck-and-neck. What exactly happened that day? And how has it been after? Hua Cheng’s always been in a world between – partially hearing, but not enough to get through life without struggle. And now, partially blind. He imagines driving must be harder, as well as his peripheral view.

Yet he’s never received any accommodations. Never asked for help, even when he needs it. He’s stubborn and works himself to the bone.

And he’s so young, only freshly twenty-four. Xie Lian thought he knew everything at twenty-four. Turns out, he still knows nothing. The world is a mystery. A confusing clusterfuck. The only thing he thought made sense was his feelings for Hua Cheng, but even now…

Don’t go there.

“Hey, I brought my Polaroid.” Hua Cheng is sitting up again, fishing through his hiker’s pack. “I want to send a picture to Mom. She’d love this view.”

Hua Cheng holds up the camera, looking through the viewfinder for a long moment. “Wow,” he says softly before taking the photo.

“Isn’t it amazing? This whole region…” Xie Lian watches the Polaroid spit out the photo. “I love it. The winter, not so much, but everything else is incredible.”

“That’s right, you were here when it was snowing.” Hua Cheng shakes the photo as it continues developing. “I don’t like the cold, but I hate the heat too.”

“It’s never too hot here,” Xie Lian says. “That’s one reason why I like it. You can wear nicer clothes without worrying about sweating out of your skin.”

“True, but you look cute no matter what you’re wearing.” He nods at the camera. “Would you mind if I got a picture of you? This one I won’t share with anyone else. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“You can, but I get to keep a picture of you, too. It’s hard for me. You have the photobooks back home, even the newspaper articles with my ugly picture in it, but I’ve never had anything to remember you by.”

“You don’t need to remember me, honey, because I’m not going anywhere.”

“For another four days…” Xie Lian reminds him, “and then I lose you again.”

And Hua Cheng doesn’t respond quite how he’d expect. He hesitates a minute before asking, “Well, why? Why not longer?”

“Because your mom is expecting you in California, that’s why.”

“No, I mean… why do you and I have to separate?”

“Because I can’t go back home.”

“What if I don’t care to go back home?” He sits down beside Xie Lian. “Think about it. You’re like a sitting duck here. But together, we can go anywhere we want. You’re just as safe here as out on the road with me. The difference is, we can call our own shots, you know?”

Three months ago, Xie Lian would’ve leapt at the opportunity. He practically begged Hua Cheng to come and take him away from here.

Yet now, he hesitates, and it’s not over his safety. He knows Hua Cheng’s right; he’s no safer here, technically, than anywhere else. But that’s not a sustainable life, and he can’t ask that of Hua Cheng, either.

Beyond that, he’s comfortable here. It took three months, but he is. And everyone, from Mei Niangqing to all of the ranch workers to even the clerk at the general store have been so kind to him, so genuinely kind in a way he’s never experienced. He can’t just up and leave after all they’ve done for him. The kids, too, they don’t deserve that. They leave tomorrow afternoon and he wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye, or welcome in the next batch of campers that night. And who will Lang Qianqiu vent about his father to if Xie Lian’s gone? Will Mei Niangqing have anyone to play cards with? Will Yushi Huang have a companion, or will she go back to being shut up in her room, drinking herself to sleep?

“Don’t feel pressured to make any decisions,” Hua Cheng adds, “I’m not leaving anytime soon. But the offer’s there.”

“I know.” He smiles and focuses on the view again. Here he is with his favorite person, in a place where he feels so safe. Why should he have to choose between them? If only Hua Cheng could stay – but no, he absolutely has to go to school. It’s non-negotiable. He has to make something of himself. He has to be happy.

***

Further up the path, there’s a young man. He’s there, Xie Lian sees him, and then he’s gone.

Perhaps it’s dehydration or exhaustion, but a man just disappeared right in front of him. “Hold on, San Lang.” He says, grabbing Hua Cheng’s arm. Hua Cheng stops right away. “What’s up? Need a drink?”

That wasn’t just any young man. There was something familiar about him. “I… I thought I saw someone. Yeah, I’ll take a drink.”

“Here, sit down.” Hua Cheng guides him to a fallen tree just off the path, its trunk more than half his height. Xie Lian leans back against it and takes a drink. It was just his eyes playing tricks, nothing more.

“It’s a long walk,” Hua Cheng eventually comments. “And hot today…”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Who did you see?”

“A ghost, I think.” Saying it out loud just gets his heart beating faster. He shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“Do you want to turn back?”

“No, not yet. I’m fine. Truly.”

So they return to the path, a bit slower in step. It is getting quite warm, which is hardly a surprise for mid-July. The group of hikers up ahead have slowed their steps too, so much so that they nearly catch up with them. Five hikers, all men. Xie Lian keeps his head down.

But then a waft of one of their colognes blows by and his instincts take over. A boy. Nineteen, from Indiana. Drowned in a bathtub in a cold, dark basement, his body never found. His death by Xie Lian’s own selfish mistake. Nineteen years old. He never had the chance to properly grow up, never had a proper burial. His last moments were in fear, but he could’ve escaped. He was so agile. Xie Lian held him back. He’s gone, and Xie Lian is still here.

Did it make a difference? Would the boy have died some other way? Perhaps his captor would’ve found him outside and killed him then. Perhaps some other man would’ve taken advantage of him. Perhaps he would’ve been hit by a car the next morning. Still, Xie Lian carries the guilt because he can’t identify the boy’s killer, or provide his any sense of justice.

He remembers now.

In March, he got a letter from some family in Indiana. He saw the return address and immediately stuffed the envelope into one of the kitchen drawers. The boy has a name.

A family.

He wasn’t the only one.

A doctor, all the way back in 1986, dead in the hallway, his blood pooling nearly to the kitchen. He came back to check on Xie Lian, sensing something wasn’t right, and he lost his life over it.

A twenty-two year old fresh college graduate. He wanted to cross off a few things on his bucket list and went home with the wrong man. He was killed upstairs and left there for two days. Xie Lian never saw his face, just his blood that’d dripped through the ceiling.

A twenty year old apprentice salesman who’d come by the house selling encyclopedias. He was charmed so easily, or perhaps he thought he’d make a good sale off the friendly bachelor. And then he was stabbed fourteen times in the living room, all on camera.

His first kill, close to twenty years ago. A young boy, only sixteen or seventeen years old. Stabbed repeatedly and photographed afterward.

He thought Yushi Huang was killed in 1989, but he’d merely slashed her throat and let her go. Perhaps it was a fate worse than death, but he could never truly know that man’s intentions.

There were numerous others the man had killed. Those he told him about, and those inferred from pink bathwater on an occasional night.

The only person whose status remains unknown is the one who wrote his captor the letters, the one Xie Lian had read, over and over again. Someone who cared for him, someone who did not love him in return. Would his captor really keep someone like that alive? Why didn’t he just take them?

Them, being the one who signed off letters differently each time. Elton John, Cher, John F. Kennedy, Lucille Ball. He suspects they are the one who’s handwritten note occupies the first page of Les Mis, with the signature “Your Fellow Dodger”.

Did they know? Or is Xie Lian the only living person in the whole goddamned world who carries the weight of this man’s sins?

Sometimes it’s suffocating. Those are the better times. Moments like this, he feels like the weight of it is crushing him into the ground, grinding his bones to powder.

Hua Cheng gently touches his arm. “You OK?” He’s a good spotter, Xie Lian will give him that. He always catches him right before he falls further into some deep place he can’t climb out of.

Xie Lian bunches his hands into his pockets. “I think I need to go scream somewhere.”

“Wanna do it here?”

As tempting as it is, he doesn’t want to traumatize the other hikers.

“I know a place.”

***

The birds spring out from the trees, flying right overhead. He pushes his voice as far as it will go, straining against his throat.

His voice probably carries for miles.

All the loss. The victims. The stories never told. A man who’s still out there, still looking for him. Yet in spite of it all, one thing remains certain. I’m still here, his lips form the words, but he does not say it. He watches Hua Cheng test out the alleged echo over the rolling fields below them. He cups his hands around his mouth and shouts, tipping backwards until he’s facing the sky. And then, beautifully, he laughs. Xie Lian just smiles at him, a bit lost in thought. I want San Lang to live a long, happy life.

He then surveys the hill they’re perched on, at the very edge of Mei Niangqing’s ranch. Even if they were in ear-shot of the main house, it’s not as though anyone could hear them, and everyone’s out at the fair anyway, making this a perfect place to make noise.

Beyond that, he allows himself to dream a little. There are plenty of buildings around this ranch; some housing animals, others housing ranch workers and guests. It would be lovely to place a cabin right here, perched so high up they could see for miles, with views of tall, flowing grass and the tranquil stream far below and the tall, snow covered mountains in the distance…

Hua Cheng sinks down beside him, still laughing a bit to himself. He lets himself daydream a bit more. Hua Cheng could come here during school breaks – this could be their getaway. With no one around for miles, they could do whatever they wanted and finally just be at peace together. That’s really all he wants.

Hua Cheng turns to him to say something, but Xie Lian catches his lips first. I may not know why I’m here, he thinks as Hua Cheng pulls him into his lap, but I don’t mind.

Just a few kisses in, the ground rumbles below them.

But not a rumble like the thunder last night, no. This one’s all too familiar to Xie Lian..

But for Hua Cheng, who opens his eye at the sound, immediately jolts backwards. Panic sets in for a mere two seconds before Xie Lian feels a strong huff of breath against his shoulder, the familiar prod of a cold nose. “Daisy!” He cries.

“What?” Hua Cheng continues backing up.

Xie Lian springs to his feet, giving the big creature a hug. “Oh, you need a brushing,” he murmurs, running a hand down her back.

Hua Cheng remains a cool six feet away – seven feet once Daisy lifts her head and looks at him. “So this is Daisy…”

“Isn’t she pretty?” Xie Lian beams, giving her another few pats. “She’s not supposed to be out here. I guess she got out of her paddock, but it’s not like her to wander.”

“Maybe she heard you,” Hua Cheng suggests, extending a cautious hand to pat Daisy’s head. She’s a lot bigger than he thought a cow would be, right at shoulder level and quite wide.

“You don’t have to be scared of her, San Lang. She’s nice.”

Hua Cheng’s cheeks pinken a bit. Him, afraid? Please. He gives Daisy a proper pat on the neck. “Should we get her back to her friends?”

“She’ll follow us if we go, but… then we might get seen.”

“Oh, right.” Hua Cheng says, unable to hide his look of dismay. “I wish I could walk right in.”

“Someday,” Xie Lian touches his arm. “Let’s just go. Daisy can find her way back, and if not, Old Teacher will get her. He always does a headcount before we lock up.”

“Fine by me.”

Xie Lian gives Daisy a parting kiss on the nose before the two slip away into the woods again.

***

It’s the closing night of the fair and it shows. Most people are anxious to pack up and head home, waiting for that coveted “go ahead” at 8:00. Some already have their animals crated.

Xie Lian takes Hua Cheng through a speed round of sight seeing, explaining which animals belong to Mei Niangqing and how they got there. He plans on cornering Mei Niangqing right at 8:00 and letting him know he’ll be staying out for one more night due to the hotel situation yesterday, but in an ideal world, he’d tell Yushi Huang instead. She’s less likely to give him a hard time, anyway, especially if Xie Lian tells her who he’ll be with.

But honestly, he doesn’t care if he doesn’t happen to run into anyone. He’ll be back in the morning and they can deal with it - it’s not like he’ll be leaving again for the foreseeable future.

Unless he goes with Hua Cheng. What if…

What if they just left tonight, or first thing in the morning, and never tell anyone? He’d be a missing person again, but he’d be free to do what he wants.

No, he’s not going to do all that. Not yet, anyway. He’d like a good night’s sleep.

But first, the county fair. Hua Cheng appreciates each and every animal – albeit the smell – but still keeps a cautious distance from the cows.

They have dinner by the grandstand; a smorgasbord from all the remaining vendors and the most sugary drinks available. As Hua Cheng watches a man in a cowboy hat and boots play the fiddle on stage, he declares, “This is a very different world.”

“It’s neat,” Xie Lian tells him. “I’ve never been anywhere outside of California, so it’s fun to watch.”

Hua Cheng shrugs, taking a long sip from his drink. Xie Lian’s heart hurts a little at the thought that Hua Cheng is bored by all of this, that he doesn’t see the beauty in this region after all. It’s not fair to assume, of course, but he has the feeling that Hua Cheng wouldn’t share that cabin-on-a-hill dream with him.

.

While their dinners settle, they take a stroll through the vendors, observing the money-grabbing games. Xie Lian smiles when he remembers the little booth he and Shi Qingxuan ran at the school carnival once. He’d wanted to take some of the goldfish home with him that night and never did. Would Mei Niangqing mind an additional pet or two, should he win one tonight?

“What do you want to play?” Hua Cheng asks, conveniently pausing in front of a ring toss booth that’s giving away goldfish and little geckos. It’s much too cold a climate for those poor things.

“Let’s try this.” And beating Hua Cheng to it, he sets a crumpled dollar bill on the counter. They are given ten rings.

“I don’t have the best aim,” Hua Cheng tells him, picking up his first ring.

“Then I’ll have seven attempts, and you have three.”