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Chapter Text

Inej felt herself slip away.

The frantic voices of her friends dissolved into muffled mumbling around her.

It was all her fault. If she hadn't brought the strange gadget back from her voyage, none of this would have happened. She'd first seen it behind a maximum security glass in a laboratory that tested substances on slaves, and then, later, in the cabin of Mara, one of her crew members, because she'd thought the sapphire in the center of it looked pretty. It was a simple tin box with a few buttons to push, but she would soon learn that its plain appearance was misleading.

Inej had immediately confiscated it, not without giving Mara a piece of her mind. They didn't know what the scientists had tested on this thing, or what its purpose was. She didn't want to throw it in the ocean for fear of causing a reaction, so she just took it with her, hoping that maybe her friends could make sense of it. Kaz surely could.

She went to visit him first, but found his room empty, so she went to the van Eck mansion next, happy to hear from Jesper that he'd agreed to come to dinner later that night.

"I bet he's only coming because he knows you'll be there too." He'd sighed dramatically. "Sometimes I think he likes you more than us."

Nina had been there, too, and after their tearful reunion, they all settled down on the couches, a comfortable fire crackling in the furnace. 

"Where is Kaz?", Inej asked then.

Wylan shrugged. "I don't know. He did say something about Lij though. I'm not sure what he would want there."

"Not sure why Kaz does anything that he does," Jesper snorted.

Inej's heart twisted in sympathy. She knew what he was doing in Lij. It was the place where he'd spent his childhood before he came to Ketterdam. Kaz had only started visiting it last year, and only when there was a special occasion for it.

His birthday was last week, and she knew his father had died somewhere around this time, so he had probably visited his old home for another sad anniversary. She was glad he would come around later, otherwise she might have hopped into the next carriage to Lij to be there for him. 

Not willing to deepen the subject any further because she felt like Kaz, for all his frustrating qualities, for once deserved nothing but good thoughts instead of sarcastic quips, Inej changed the subject and showed her friends the strange gadget.

“Looks like trash“, Jesper commented.

Inej shrugged, ”Trash they stored behind a security glass.“ she responded, though she had to admit he was right.

Jesper took it in his hands and looked at it from all angles.

“Careful, Jesper“, Wylan said tentatively and reached out his hand to take the device when suddenly it made a whirring noise.

Before they knew what was happening, the walls around them disappeared, along with the furniture and the wooden floor.

It all happened so fast that Inej barely had any time to register it. One moment, they'd been in the van Eck mansion, in the next, they were suddenly standing in a field, surrounded by golden wheat ears and the calming sound of crickets and birds' twittering.

"Okay, what the hell," said Jesper, whose eyes were frantically wandering from side to side.

„What did you do, Jesper?“ Nina flicked his shoulder, one hand on her hip.

"It's the gadget's fault," Wylan reckoned. "It has to be some sort of hallucinogen."

He didn't look nearly as freaked out as he probably should be. Rather, he looked at the thing like it was a new equation, analyzing it, turning it in Jesper's hands. "Did you press a button, Jesper?"

Jesper grimaced sheepishly. “It would appear that way…“

Inej doubted it was a halluconogen. It felt too real. The sun was warm on her skin. Somewhere she heard a plow. She turned around. What happened then convinced her that the Saints must have led her here. That it was fate that made sure she was at this place right now. Because there, on the field, stood a man. His foot seemed to be stuck, and the plow, without a driver, was approaching him quickly.

Nina screamed. Inej was acting before she could think, and she heard Jesper closely behind her.

He jumped behind the wheel of the plow while Inej tried to loosen the earth around the farmer's leg. He pulled his foot out of the hole and the plow stopped directly in front of them.

"Oh dear," the man stuttered. "Oh dear, that was so close. I...thank you. You just saved my life."

"Glad we could help," Nina panted. She had a hand on her heart and stared at the man with wide open eyes. „Are you okay?!“

"I’m fine, thank you. I...I have no words for my gratitude." He tilted his head, looking at them more closely. "Are you from around here? I've never seen you in this town."

The man introduced himself as Abraham and offered them to come inside and drink a hot chocolate as a Thank You, but just as he turned his back on them, the spook was over. Suddenly they were back in the van Eck mansion. They all stared at each other, their hearts violently thumping against their ribcages. Inej really wanted to believe that it had actually been a hallucination, but everything felt wrong all of a sudden.

The fire in the furnace was out and all of Marya's paintings on the walls had been replaced.

Uneasily, they'd rekindled the fire, but the atmosphere felt tainted, somehow. So much so that Inej suddenly felt like she needed to get out of here, fast. Though they tried to keep up their chatter, nothing could banish the feeling that something was very, very wrong. In addition to that, it was getting late, and Kaz still wasn't here.

Inej eventually went back to the Barrel to look for him, and that's when it had happened.

"What are you doing out here, little Lynx?" Tante Heleen's voice had been gentle, of course it had. Everyone knew what Heleen did to her girls behind closed doors to make them compliant, but no one wanted to see it. However, Inej wasn't one of Heleen's girls. Not anymore. The Menagerie had been closed. It had been gone. Tante Heleen was supposed to be dead. 

"And what are you wearing?", she continued, clicking her tongue disapprovingly.

Inej wasn't a scared little girl anymore, but she also wasn't fully in control of herself right then.

If Jesper, Nina and Wylan hadn't suddenly been there, pulling her away from Heleen, she didn't know what would have happened. Probably something she didn't want to think about too much.

It wasn't the only horrible thing that had happened. When Inej looked at her wrist, her scar was gone. Instead, she could see the faint outline of a peacock tattoo that was gaining a little more color with each minute that passed.

All she wanted to do when she discovered this was to scream, or cut her own hand off. 

She willed herself to breathe.

Kaz. I need to see him.

For all his coldness and cruelty, at least he was the only one who really understood her, who knew what to do when she disappeared. She longed for his raspy voice, for the comfort it would bring, for the way he would, in a cautious distance, ask her "What do you need?"

You. Right now, I need you.

But Kaz was not there. Not even the Slat was where it was supposed to be. Instead, there was a damned grey stone building.

"Did they renovate while I was gone?", Inej asked hopefully, though she knew it was nonsense; she'd been at the Slat earlier today.

Jesper, Nina and Wylan were staring at the house as well, at a loss for words. "No," Wylan breathed.

Desperately they asked around for Kaz, but no one seemed to have heard of him. 

"Kaz Brekker? The leader of the Dregs?", Inej had pressed on.

"The Dregs?" The man she was talking to laughed. "They disbanded years ago! Pathetic little group of thugs, couldn't even take a child's lollipop if they tried!"

And now they were sitting in a waffle restaurant, speechlessly staring at their untouched food. Not even Nina felt like eating.

Inej would have preferred to be at the van Eck mansion rather than here, but when she asked, Wylan had a haunted look in his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again.

Jesper answered for him, "His father is there." Inej felt herself tense up at those words, all the blood left her face.    

"He's supposed to be in prison!"

Wylan opened his mouth to speak again, but was suddenly interrupted by a violent coughing fit that had Jesper worriedly pat his back. "Jeez, are you all right, Wy?"

Inej's blood froze when Wylan took his hand from his mouth. It was sprinkled with red. Jesper and Nina stared in horror.

This time, Wylan managed to talk: "We've never met Kaz."

"Wylan, you're bleeding!", Jesper exclaimed. "You need to see a medik!"

But Wylan ignored him.

Nina frowned. "What do you mean, we never met him?"

"Are we seriously going to ignore this?" Jesper frantically pointed to the blood on Wylan's hand.

Wylan, still not reacting to him, said: "Pull up your sleeve, Nina."

Confused, she did just that- and gasped softly. There, on her forearm, was the Dime Lions tattoo, as faint as Inej's peacock.

"He never offered either of us a job at the Dregs," Wylan explained and then coughed again. "Which is why I never stopped working at that factory, so I got sick. And my father never went to prison. Jesper isn't banned from any of the tables, so there's probably a bunch of debt-collectors looking for him, and Inej..."

He fell silent and averted his gaze as if saying it out loud was too terrible.

Jesper fidgeted with his hands, his leg was bobbing under the table. "Not to mention that my guns are gone." 

"No way," Inej breathed. Jesper wasn't complete without his guns. To an outsider it was hard to understand just how much these things meant to him, but Inej knew that they were his most valued possessions. He watched them like a hawk,  cleaned them with such delicate care that you might think he was tending to a newborn kitten. 

Another horrifying realization came to her. Her hands wandered to her knives, and as expected, there was nothing. She stilled, the world around her whirling and tilting. It was the final straw. 

"Don't you see?", Wylan continued then. "We weren't supposed to save that man on the farm. Inej, were you, by any chance, thinking about Kaz when we played around with the thing?"

She nodded, unable to say a single word.

"So the man had something to do with him. He was supposed to die."

"Kaz grew up on a farm." She'd said it before she could stop herself. It was never her intention nor her place to reveal pieces of Kaz's past without his permission, but even he would agree that this was an emergency situation.

Jesper's face fell. "He did? That bastard, he always teased me for being a farmboy!"

"Wylan, what are you saying?", Nina interrupted. Instead of answering, he pulled a book out of his bag. It had to have at least seven hundred pages and the high quality leather cover looked weathered and dusty.

"I thought this gadget looked familiar, but I didn't know from where." He opened it at the bookmark. "My father used to read this to me when...well, when he still had hope that it would inspire me to learn it myself one day. It's a story about time travel that actual renowned scientists worked on. I hated that my father just used this as a way to get what he wants out of me, but I did like the story." He browsed through the pages until he eventually seemed to find what he'd been looking for. "There!"

Wylan turned the book towards them and they all took a sharp breath. There was a picture, a colorful sketch, of a small tin box, and it looked almost the same as the one Inej had found. Maybe more primitive with less buttons, but still, overall, recognizable, even down to the sapphire in the middle.

"This is the time machine they used in the story," Wylan explained. "Something similar happens to the protagonist in there. He travels back in time, accidentally steps on an ant, and comes back to the present, but everything is different all of a sudden."

"Must have been one hell of an ant," Nina mumbled.

"Inej, you said Kaz grew up on a farm. What if this farmer was related to him? I know it sounds insane, but I think we travelled back in time and saved Kaz from becoming an orphan."

For a moment, they were all silent. Jesper swallowed. "You...you mean, Kaz's father was... killed by a plow?"

Kaz had trusted Inej with his trauma. But he'd never told her this. She wondered if there was even more tragedy in his life that he hadn't talked to her about, but she wasn't sure if her own heart could handle it. Saints Kaz, she thought sadly. 

Then, like something had stung Nina, she stood up from her seat, electrified.

"Nina, wha-", Jesper started, taken aback by the way her expression and her entire body had went rigid.

"Matthias," she breathed.

Inej felt her own heartbeat speed up. Of course. Their Ice Court Heist had never happened, so Matthias was probably still alive. Nina was dangerously swaying on her feet.

"I need to go there," she whispered. "I need to see him!"

"Nina!" Inej gently tried to hold her back. "Don't."

"Let me go," Nina snapped at her with a ferocity she wasn't used to, but she didn't let up.

"Last time, Kaz helped us get him out, and he had the resources to do it. We don't have that luxury now!"

"We don't need Brekker for everything," Nina said desperately. "Maybe we can come up with something ourselves!"

"She's right," Jesper said gently. "All we can do is visit that twisted spectacle and watch him fight some fucked up creatures. It'll do more harm than good." 

She snorted. "To you, maybe! I'm going to make the hearts of every single person explode that attends this...this cruelty! I'm going to get him out of there!" 

"Nina", Wylan carefully said. "We can't save him. We cannot stay in this timeline. You know that, right?"

Nina took a shaky breath, tears threatening to fall. "Why not?" 

"Why not?" There was a hint of exasperation in Jesper's voice now. "Wylan is sick, Nina! And Inej is in the Menagerie!"

The tears were falling now. "He can get a healer. Inej can get herself out, she's the Wraith...."

Wylan sympathetically shook his head. "I don't think it works that way. Your tattoos are becoming more and more visible by the minute. Meanwhile Jesper's Dregs tattoo keeps fading away. We are becoming our alternate versions of this timeline. It's possible that in a few days, all our memories will be erased and adjusted to this reality, so I won't have access to a healer. Inej will forget that she's a trained fighter. You will forget you and Matthias had an actual relationship and he will die in Hellgate. And we all won't even know each other!"

Inej stared into the distance. She couldn't let that happen. She would never go back to that place, not in a million years. And the thought of losing all her friends and her love on top of it all was too gruesome to consider. 

She made a decision. 

"We're going back, and we let the plow accident happen." 

Jesper looked at his hands. "But Kaz..." 

She paused. It wasn't like she hadn't thought about this. Rather that she'd tried not to. They were damning him to a terrible fate in order to save themselves and she still had to work out how she was ever going to look into his eyes again. "I know. But we have to do it." 

"I wonder where he is now," Jesper said. "I can't imagine him as anything other than Dirtyhands." 

"Probably on the farm with his family." The thought made what they were about to do to him even more gruesome. 

She wished he was here. She wished she could ask him. Pragmatic as he was, he would have frowned and asked what was there to think about. 

"One for four, Inej," he would have said, matter of factly. "It's the only thing that makes sense. You'd be a fool to consider any other solution."

He would have taken the fall. He never would have let her go back to the Menagerie. And he never would have let Wylan succumb to his strange illness. 

But it still felt to damn wrong. 

"Shall we do it now?" 

Nina's voice was barely above a whisper. 

Inej nodded. "We should. Before our memories disappear. Jesper, do you have it?"

"On it, boss!" He started to rummage around in his bag. Which was taking far too long.

"Jesper?", said Nina nervously.

"It's in here somewhere!"

Jesper turned his bag upside down, then he searched his coat pockets. Eventually, he looked up at his friends in apologetic despair.

"You're going to find this hilarious in ten years!"

They split up, walking the whole way back where they'd come from, but the gadget was nowhere to be found. Inej made sure to stay in the shadows where Heleen's people couldn't find her, and hid her tattoo under her sleeve.

Desperation threatened to choke her up. How long did they have until her memories would adjust to this timeline? How long would it take for her to stop being the Wraith and start wearing Heleen's silk robes again?

She knew it all depended on her finding the needle in the haystack. If they had truly lost the damn thing in the Barrel, someone had found and taken it, that much was sure.

When they met again at the Lid, the others were as unsuccessful as she was.

Inej was about to lose her mind. There was laughter somewhere near them, a group of teenage boys ranging through the Barrel. She didn't have it in her to look, or to take in any of her surroundings, not right now. But suddenly, Nina's eyes went wide and she tapped her shoulder almost frantically. 

"Inej!" She pointed to the group of boys.

Inej hesitantly looked up, and her breath caught in her throat. 

The boys were walking along the street of the Lid, shoving each other, making crude jokes, laughing loudly and paying Inej, Nina, Wylan and Jesper no mind. They were swaying, stumbling over their own feet and yelling every sentence at each other. She could almost smell the alcohol from where she was standing. Inej had seen those kinds of tourists often. Most of the time, they were university students or rich Mercher kids who were trying to be rebellious. They were a nuisance, but usually harmless, so she never paid much attention. But this one was different. Maybe because Kaz was a part of them. And he had the gadget in his hand that was clearly the object of the boys' delight.

Jesper gasped, Nina's mouth stood agape, Wylan's eyes were wide as plates, and Inej could only stare. She had to do a double take to be absolutely sure because while the boy was unmistakenly Kaz, he looked so different. Not just for the absence of his cane and gloves; he was also a little taller and slightly sturdier than she was used to, and his pale skin had a healthy golden tan now. His hair wasn't trimmed at his sides in some resemblence of what was supposed to be a good hair cut, but instead fell into his unscarred face in soft black curls. 

He wasn't wearing a black mercher's suit, but still clearly dressed nicer than a simple farm boy. 

His suit was made out of grey wool and he wore it according to the newest fashion; the pants reached only to his knees, where they were then replaced by white tights. Kaz Brekker had worn this type of suit before it was fashionable. She'd always liked it; it had a playful quality to it compared to the more serious looking full suits. Not that she would ever tell him that because then he would never wear it again. 

But what made the sight of him even more odd, almost to the point of spooking her, was the smile on his face. It made a feeling spread in her chest, somewhere between warmth and shock. When had she ever seen him smile like that? He had a special smile, only reserved for her, and it was authentic and real, but also timid and small, almost unnoticable to a stranger. This one however was wide and unrestrained.

For a moment, they could only stare. Inej wanted to move towards him, but it was like her feet were glued to the ground. She was so stunned that she'd almost forgotten the stone in Kaz's hand, and how urgent it was to get it back.

She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, but still unable to tear her eyes away. "Stay here," she told the others. Cautiously, she approached the group while her friends stayed behind. She could have used their support, but she didn't want to seem threatening, especially not in a place like the Barrel. "Hey," she quietly said. "Hey!"

Some of the boys turned to her, looked her up and down and started whistling in a way that made her nauseous. The familiar black spots started dancing in front of her eyes. She was slipping away again, for the second time today. Usually Kaz was one of her anchors, but she didn't want to look at him and see him do the same because she knew it would forever change the way she viewed him. When her gaze did find him, he looked ashamed and punched the boy closest to him on the shoulder.

"Stop it," he quietly snapped and nodded at Inej, nonchalantly and aloof, but clearly embarrassed. "I'm so sorry. They had too much to drink."

He smacked one of the other guys on the back of his head to empathize his point, but Inej only noticed it at the sidelines as something else had taken over her already occupied mind.

His voice. She wanted to cry. Honest to the Saints, she swore she would cry. His comforting rasp was replaced by a smooth, boyish voice that had nothing in common with Kaz's. He was dragging his friends forward, still insistently talking to them in a quiet tone- she heard the words "...can't do this to a woman, especially at night" and "...I'm never drinking with you guys again."- and Inej could only watch.

Get a grip, she scolded herself. You'll get him back, but you need to get the stone first.

She was frozen in place. Of course she was familiar with her memories catching up with her, but usually she managed to keep them at bay while she was on a job. However this hit close to home. This was personal.

"The gadget," she said, as firmly as her shaky voice would allow her. "It's mine."

But the group had already walked on to a carriage, too far away to hear her. Kaz was hugging his friends in that violent way boys often do, almost breaking each other's spines while clapping their backs- Inej felt like she was delirious at the sight of him actually touching someone- and then stepped into the carriage.

The others caught up to her. "What happened? Do you have it?", Nina asked. "Inej? Inej!" 

Inej was staring at nothing in particular, struggling to stay in her body. "I don't have it." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"You don't?" Wylan's gaze hastily went between her and the carriage. "But then...what are we going to do now?"

Jesper groaned. "Saying our farewells?" 

"Guys!" Nina said with urgency in her voice. It was the last thing Inej heard before she fainted.

She woke up to the sound of clopping hooves and her friends quietly muttering to one another.

"...had to be a shock for her," Nina said.

"Who can blame her," Jesper replied. "Did you see what he looked like? I almost fainted, too. He was smiling. It still creeps me out just thinking about it."

"Well, don't worry, we'll get the grumpy version of him back soon enough if Wylan is right."

"I'm pretty sure the place looked like Lij," Wylan said with false confidence. "We'll find him there."

At this, she fully jolted awake and immediately frowned. The sun was shining already and the day was promising to be hot and dry. How long had she been out?

"Inej!", Jesper exclaimed. "How do you feel?"

Good question. How do you feel after finding out that you travelled back in time and saved the man you loved from becoming an orphan? And now sparing no effort to reverse that? How do you feel after realizing that he doesn't even know who you are? And that you can't recognize him either?

How do you feel when you have escaped the clutches of human trafficking only for its filthy fingers to reach for you again, touching your skin and drooling at your sight?

One day you will wear my silk robes again, little Lynx, Heleen had once told her, and she had been right. Inej took a deep breath, tried not to disappear again or throw up. Reality was catching up to her with such force that it threatened to entrain her into a deep hole that not even the Wraith could escape. It was so simple, a gruesome ultimatum; either she'd make Kaz an orphan again, let his brother die and give his soul a wound that would never quite heal...or she would spend the short rest of her life enduring unwelcome hands of strangers on her skin. Without the hope of seeing Kaz or any of her friends ever again.

So she decided to ignore Jesper's question.

"We're going to Lij?", she asked instead.

She felt the worried glances of her friends on her, but no one said anything about the condition she was in, which she was thankful for.

"Yes," said Nina. "Wylan says it's the place we saw when we saved the farmer. It's only a small hope, but better than nothing."

She nodded and was glad they'd taken the initiative after she'd uselessly fainted. They spent the rest of the journey quietly. Eventually, they passed a sign that simply said Welcome To Lij.

It was a small town. There was a market place and a doctor's office, but not much else. They had to keep driving through beaten tracks for quite some time until the first farm houses appeared. 

After they'd paid the coachman and stepped out, they were surrounded by wheat fields and a few farmhouses scattered across the land. An old woman was in her yard, raking dry grass stalks.

"All of these houses look the same," Jesper said, disheartened. "I barely even remember the one we saw Kaz's father at!"

The woman gave them a look and straightened up, shielding her eyes from the sunlight with her hand. "You looking for something?"

"We're looking for the Brekker-farm!", Inej called.

The woman, clearly stressed and annoyed, held a hand to her ear to indicate she hadn't heard her. Inej came closer. "The Brekker farm. Do you know where it is?"

The woman made a face. "Brekker? Never heard that name."

Inej exchanged confused looks with her friends.

"Really?", Wylan asked hesitantly. "There's no Kaz Brekker that lives here?"

The woman paused, then she sighed. "Ah. You're looking for Kaz Rietveld."

Rietveld. The R on his bicep. Inej felt her eyes widen. She'd accidentally stumbled upon a piece of his past she wasn't supposed to know about. Not until he told her himself. Guilt washed over her.

The woman barked out a dry laugh and focused back on Inej. "Don't fall for his tricks, sweetheart. Can't watch another girl get her heart broken."

Inej frowned. "What do you mean?"

The woman didn't answer. Instead, she turned around and called: "Hey, Joseph!"

Only now they spotted the old man on the front porch with a hat over his eyes. "Heh?", he grunted.

"Seems like the Rietveld-boy is looking for his girls outside of Lij now! Gives them a fake name, too!"

An uneasy feeling settled in Inej's stomach. She didn't like the implication of Kaz...getting around.

The man didn't give a reaction other than a laugh just as dry and malicious as hers.

The woman turned back to the group that seemed to go through all five stages of grief in a matter of seconds. In the end, Jesper grinned, took a breath and exhaled shakily. He turned around. "Sorry," he said, biting his knuckles and trying to keep his voice steady, but Inej heard him quietly snort with laughter nonetheless. "Sorry."

Nina had more or less the same reaction while Wylan at least had the decency to consider Inej's feelings on the matter. He carefully touched her shoulder. "Remember, this isn't our Kaz," he murmured, and Inej nodded, though it took  effort.

The woman snorted. "No, he certainly isn't, and don't get your hopes up. Our Lisa cried her eyes out because of him. Didn't she, Joseph?"

He didn't react, and she sighed. "Promised he'd take her to the street festival down in Lij and dance with her. Poor girl was head over heels with him. Only for him to ditch her and go with Mary instead." She shook her head. "Mary, that witch. Just as bad as him, really. They deserve each other. Hope she breaks his heart the way he did to our Lisa. Girls and boys are stupid at that age. Letting their hearts be toyed with for the sake of a handsome boy's or a pretty girl's attention."

The idea of Kaz being the town's tomcat was so strange that Inej was convinced the woman was talking about someone else. If she hadn't seen Kaz with her own two eyes earlier, she wouldn't have believed a single word.

"Don't know why he turned out this way. His brother is completely different. Such a nice lad."

His brother. It was as if an ice pick pierced her heart. Jordie was alive.

She tried to shake the thought off. Dwelling on it would do her no good. She knew what needed to be done, and thinking too much about the implications and consequences of stealing Kaz Rietveld's life was going to change nothing except make her feel even more miserable. Jesper and Nina had stopped laughing. Inej saw the shock and the question in their eyes: Kaz has a brother?

"We still need to find him!", she said, determined.

The woman shrugged. "Don't say I didn't warn ya. It's at the end of the trail. There's a beech with a tree house in front of it. Can hardly miss it." She sighed wistfully. "Remember how the Rietveld boys used to play in that house?", she called to Joseph again, who made another non-commitical sound. "Kaz was such a cute, polite kid. A shame, really."

They made their farewells and followed the trail like the woman had described.

"Do you think what she said about Kaz was true?", Wylan asked into the silence.

"Saints, I hope it is," Jesper replied, but after a withering glare from Inej quickly added: "I mean, obviously I prefer the one who told me one drunken night that he would bottle up your laugh if he could, but it's still fun to indulge in this fleeting version of him."

Inej paused. "He didn't say that."

"Oh, he absolutely did." Jesper grinned. "And I haven't let him live it down to this day."

"As you shouldn't," Nina said solemny.

For a moment, they were themselves again, a group of misfits on a mission, joking around to forget what they were doing, but then Wylan fell into such a violent coughing fit that they had to make a halt.

It was worse than yesterday; his hand was covered in even more blood, and his skin looked paler than usual. He had to sit down at the side of the road.

Inej looked at her arm and saw exactly what she'd been dreading: the peacock was almost completely visible now. She could hear her own pulse as she remembered what was at stake.

Wylan's life. Her present, Jesper's and Nina's future. Their friendship.

She and Jesper kneeled down on either side of him. There wasn't much they could do except rub his arm and clap his back until he relaxed again. When it was finally over, Inej felt more shaken than she'd like to admit. Wylan already looked awful. How much worse was it going to get?

"You should wait here with Jesper," she said gently. "Nina and I can go by ourselves."

"I'm fine." Wylan struggled to his feet. Inej kept realizing anew that she was underestimating him. Wylan may seem delicate, nervous and spoiled at first sight, but he was tougher than many a Barrel thug, and she knew that a big reason for that was that he'd experienced his fair share of suffering at the hands of a father who'd wanted to see him dead simply because he couldn't read.

She realized that if they didn't make this right, Wylan would miserably perish on the streets and not a soul would cry a single tear for him. The thought was so terrible that for a moment, she would have almost forgotten herself and hugged him close. Instead she gave him a firm nod and an appreciative smile. 

They continued on their way. Eventually they arrived at the beech with the treehouse. She wondered if it still existed in the original timeline, and if Kaz looked at it wistfully sometimes during his visits. She missed him so dearly that it pained her. But to get him back, she first needed to irreversably hurt him on a fundamental level, and she hated herself for that. Still her steps carried her on as if her feet existed for the sole purpose of taking her to this place. 

The farm was a little more secluded than the others, but not isolated. Inej saw a woodshed, on the side of which there were haystacks piled up. The whole air smelled of them like a sweet, seductive invitation.

Stay here in Lij, leave the foul city behind.

What would happen if they did? If they settled here? Would Heleen's people find her here? Or Jesper's debt-collectors? The Dime Lions? Would Wylan's sickness claim its victim here as well?

She knew the answer and forced herself to set the hopeful fairy tale fantasies that still belonged to the naive girl she used to be aside once and for all. She was on a mission. That's how she should see it, far away from her feelings and her ideas on morality. It was nothing but a task to solve. Surely she'd already ruined a lot of lives. What was one more?

Out of the corner of her eye at the haystacks, she noticed a movement. 

From the stack, a teenage boy and a teenage girl emerged, both blushing, giddy and handsy. They had hay in their dishevelled hair and their rumpled clothes. The girl was fixing her skirt, which had rode up above her knees. 

The boy was fumbling with his belt.

It was Kaz.

Inej could only stare. He wasn't wearing last night's suit anymore. This one was actually a black mercher suit with the same knee length pants as the other one. She was ashamed that the reason she noted this was more sentimental than practical. If she had been of sound mind, this would have been her clue that he didn't have the sapphire with him. But her mind was occupied by something sharp and ugly that she'd never experienced in her life: furious, raging jealousy that made her trembling hands wander to her knives, only to remember that they weren't there anymore.

She wanted to scratch the girl's eyes out, but that wouldn't have been fair, so she wanted to scratch Kaz's eyes out, but that wouldn't have been fair either. 

Neither of them noticed the group, but Inej did notice the way Kaz was strutting around. Look at me, I just had sex in a haystack with a gorgeous girl, aren't I just the coolest? 

She wanted to kill him. 

He threw his arm over the young woman's shoulders and together they sauntered off the way enarmoured couples often do: like they were so weak in the knees for each other that they could barely walk. 

Or maybe he was still drunk from last night.

"By. All. The. Saints," Jesper breathed reverently. "Kaz is a slu-"

Wylan bumped his side with his elbow, hard, before he could finish the sentence. Inej nodded at him gratefully. 

"Goodness." Nina shook her head. "No matter which timeline we're in, at least we can always count on the fact that Kaz has a girl by his side that is way out of his league."

Inej ignored her because she was debating with herself whether Kaz's behaviour was making the whole thing easier for her or not. On the one hand she felt the childish desire to hurt him. On the other hand he was just a boy acting his age and enjoying his life to its fullest, and she was about to take that away from him.

The door of the farm house opened and a man emerged. She recognized the farmer they'd saved. He had a full beard now that was starting to go gray, and even from here she could tell how bushy his eyebrows were. His gaze fell on the young couple, and Inej saw how a shadow went over his face. With determined, thundering steps he approached Kaz and the girl and reminded Inej of the worrying clouds that sometimes appeared out of nowhere on a sunny, clear day when she was on her ship.

Jesper grimaced. "Someone's in trouble."

"That's our opportunity," Inej said. "We need to go inside. The gadget has to be in there."

"Just a minute! I want to see Kaz's dad lay into him," Nina said with a malicious grin, but Inej mercilessly pulled her along. Nina rolled her eyes.

"All right then!"

Inej went in first while the others hid in the haystacks (and hopefully didn't think too much about what had taken place in there just a few minutes ago). First she'd carefully looked through the window to make sure nobody was inside, then she entered without a noise and scouted all the rooms. The house was empty.

She scanned the entrance room for any possible stashes. There was a big round table with a rusty kitchen knife on it. Without thinking about it, she reached for it and put it on her belt. It wasn't as good as any of her own knives, but better than nothing, and she felt slightly calmer now that she had a weapon. There were wooden cabinets on the wall and a small, tidy kitchen unit. In front of the window stood a weathered blue couch, and there were pictures on the wall, pencil paintings of the family that lived here.

She refused to look at any of them. If she let herself engage with the knowledge of whose house this was too much, it would be even harder to do this. She already had to work out how she was ever going to face Kaz again without letting the guilt swallow her whole and alive.

Eventually, she let Jesper, Wylan and Nina in. Methodically and objectively they rummaged through the wardrobes and clothes. Inej found the suit he'd worn yesterday carelessly discarded on the floor, but there was no sign of the gadget there either.

The horrifying thought that he might have given it to the girl as a gift because of the pretty stone occured to her. 

"There's nothing here!", Wylan hissed while going through the drawers. "Kaz must have it with him." 

Just as they left the bedroom they'd been searching, they heard muffled voices coming closer. 

"....love her! You're the worst father in the world!"

"Sing a different song once in a while." 

"I'm going to marry her, whether you like it or not!" 

"You're only eighteen. Quit being dramatic, Kazper." 

They all looked at each other. Kazper. If the expressions of her friends were anything to go by, they would never let Kaz live this down. And maybe she wouldn't either if she didn't owe him the world after this.

"Quit being a stick in the mud, father." 

The last word sounded sarcastic.

"Stop calling me that." 

"What, 'father'? You don't really behave much like one, but it's refreshing to hear you admit it!"

Inej sent a silent prayer to poor old Abraham. Being Kaz's parent had to be a nightmare.

The two of them had stopped at the door. 

"Call me da, pa, dad....hell, call me Abe for all I care, but stop acting fancy just because you've been in the big city a couple of times. You're acting like you're better than us and I'm done tolerating it. And about this Mary-girl..."

"Leave her out of it!", Kaz snapped. 

"You only want to marry her to spite me! Have you ever stopped to wonder how she might feel about that? And I know what you two have been doing in the haystacks, I'm not stupid! I honestly thought I've taught you better. You don't treat a lady like that, Kaz!"

"I love her!" 

Inej felt herself tense up again. This isn't your Kaz. This isn't your Kaz, she reminded herself.

"Enough of this now!" Abraham had raised his voice. "You will not marry this girl, and that is final!" 

The door opened. Abraham froze and Kaz, already complaining again, bumped into him. Then the man's face full beard turned red under his full beard.

"Who are you?", he demanded in a voice that suspiciously sounded like Dirtyhands when he was about to torture some poor sucker for information.

Kaz tilted his head to one side, eyeing each member of the strange group for a moment, before his gaze lingered on Inej. 

"Relax," he said then, looking back at his father. "I invited them. They're my friends." 

"Your friends," Abraham repeated.

"From Ketterdam."

Abraham sighed deeply. "You keep meeting new people, and so far I don't know what to think of any of them. Especially those from Ketterdam. No offense." 

"Oh, none taken, for sure," Jesper nervously said. "Ketterdam is a dump."

Wylan shushed him, but his gaze was glued to Kaz. The others weren't better off. They all seemed unable to entirely focus on the mission. Too strange was the sight of Kaz next to his father- his father!- looking like the actual teenager he was. 

"You'll have to excuse my father," Kaz said, sat down and put his feet on the table. "Pig-headed people like him have nothing in mind except feeding their cows and torturing their poor sons with the promise of a future where all they do is feed their cows for the rest of their lives." 

Abraham massaged his temples and Inej really felt for him now. 

"Sounds like a pretty solid future. What else could you want?" The glint in Nina's eyes indicated that she was fully taking the piss, and honestly, who could blame her?

Kaz's face remained impassive.

"I'm going to pursue a career in acting." 

Jesper nearly choked and Nina turned around so no one could see her fighting for her life to stifle a laugh.

Kaz's father seemed far less amused. He grabbed his son's ankles and none too gently put his feet off the table, then firmly grabbed him by the neck in an attempt to make the gesture seem like friendly teasing, but Kaz's lips thinned at the pressure.

"He's joking", Abraham said with a strained voice and gave Kaz a little shake. "Right?" 

Kaz rolled his eyes. "I am desperately clinging to any sort of entertainment with the bleak future you've planned out for me, father." 

At the last word, Abraham's eye twitched, as if this was fuel for a discussion they'd had hundreds of times already. He let Kaz go, but not without giving him a light slap on the back of his head. This time, it did have a gentle, loving quality to it.

The desire to kill and hug Kaz at the same time seemed to extend to other people that weren't Inej. Despite everything that was going on right now, the thought amused her.

"We'll talk about this later." He turned to the group. "I'm sorry; I've done my best to teach my son some manners, but apparently he has forgotten most of them. I'll have to make up for that, it seems." 

"We're used to it," Inej said before she could stop herself, and Kaz shot her a look that was half amused, half confused. 

"I also regret to inform you that he has miscalculated his time. He needs to clean out the stables, feed the animals and cook dinner. Unfortunately, he doesn't have time for friends."

Kaz looked at him, appalled. "I was only supposed to cook dinner!", he protested. 

"Well, congrats, you've just earned yourself some extra responsibility for being a pain in the ass."

From the corner of her eyes, Inej could see poor Jesper and Nina biting their lips in order not to burst out laughing. 

"I'm very sorry you came here for nothing," Abraham continued, "But I have to ask you to leave now."

"We can help him," Inej quickly said. 

She looked at her friends, who all quickly and dutifully nodded. 

Kaz quirked up an amused eyebrow. 

Abraham frowned. "You came here...to help him do his chores?"

Jesper nodded hastily. "Anything to spend time with our good old pal. Right, Kazper?"

Abraham looked at them for a long time. For a moment, Inej was afraid he'd recognized them. But then he shook his head. "You have some talent to find the strangest people, son." He sighed. "Just make sure the work gets done." 

He left the room, still grumbling to himself. Kaz, lounging in his chair, completely relaxed, looked his self proclaimed new friends up and down. They, at a loss for words, looked back.

"So, with what do I owe your help?", he asked eventually.

"We could ask you the same," Inej said, feeling her voice shake slightly. This was the boy she loved. The boy who'd saved her, the boy she'd killed for. The boy she'd kill for again and again to protect him. And he had no idea who she was. "Why did you tell your father you'd invited us?"

He shrugged. "I knew it would piss him off."

"Well, aren't you a runner up for the son-of-the-year award," Nina remarked sarcastically.

Inej too didn't understand the hostility between him and his father considering they did seem to care about each other. Maybe it was the way normal teenagers behaved. She wouldn't know.

He closed his eyes for a moment while he shook his head lightly. "Not just because of that though. I was curious. As far as I know we've already met." He looked at Inej. "I know you. Yesterday in Ketterdam, right? You followed me the whole way here. I'd like to know why."

"You have something that belongs to me," she explained.

His eyebrows wandered up again. "I do?"

She still didn't like his voice. There was pretension in it that perhaps even rivaled Kaz Brekker's arrogance.

"The gadget with the sapphire," she said. "I lost it yesterday and you had it. I need it back. The sapphire in it is a family heirloom and it means a lot to me."

For a moment, confusion skittered over his face and her heart sank. But then he seemed to remember. "Right, the sapphire." He sighed regretfully. "I don't have it."

They all stared at him.

"Pardon," said Jesper with a smile that was way too wide to be real, "could you repeat that, please?"

Kaz came to his feet with one fluent movement. "When I came back home, it was gone. I'm suspecting Ragnar. He's earning his keep with pick pocketing." He shrugged. "Can't blame the guy, it's tough out there. This thing is probably worth a lot."

Inej was about to lose her footing. Her heartbeat seemed to duplicate, just like her eyesight.

Get it together, she chided herself.

"And where do we find this Ragnar?", she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

He curled his lips in thought. "Somewhere in Ketterdam I guess. Ragnar is hard to find." He laughed. "Yeah, that sapphire is gon-"

She grabbed him by the front if his shirt, swiftly took out the kitchen knife and yanked him down to her eye level. Surprised he stumbled forward and stared at her with his stupid, big, fearful coffee brown eyes.

"You're going to lead us to him," she said with a voice that instilled a distinct kind of fear into most slavers. "And you're going to get my sapphire back. Or I swear by everything that I have-"

"Okay, Inej." Wylan carefully separated her hands from Kaz and gave her a warning look. Kaz, with frantic red spots on his neck and his cheeks, seemed too shaken to speak. He avoided looking at her, adjusted his collar and then touched his throat as if to check if everything was still intact. He was breathing hard and had an expression that showed Inej that she had finally managed to rattle him.

A wave of shame came over her. This wasn't Kaz Brekker, who was used to being threatened and beaten. This was just a simple farmboy, and the only roughhousing he was used to was probably a scruffle with the neighbourhood boys here and there, not a Barrel thug drawing a knife on him. The bravado and playful smugness had fallen off of him and he looked at the group with distrustfulness and fear now.

She was about to apologize when suddenly the door jumped open and a young man barged in who couldn't be much older than Kaz. He was taller and burlier than him, but she saw at first gaze that they were related. He had the same narrow face, the same dark hooded eyes, the same golden tan. His jaw was more pronounced and he had a dark stubble. His hair was cut so short that it was impossible to tell if he had inherited the same head of curls. 

Inej could only stare at him. Instinctively she knew who she was dealing with.

"What's going on here?", Jordie Rietveld demanded, looking at the shocked face of his little brother. He sounded as if he was getting ready to fight them all to protect him. "Kaz? Who are those people?"

It was the manifestation of Kaz's trauma talking. The man who was supposed to have died at thirteen. And yet, he was standing in front of them now, alive, healthy, grown up.

Surprisingly fast, Kaz recovered himself. "Friends."

Inej wondered why he didn't tell Jordie the truth. She'd just threatened him, for crying out loud. Apparently, Kaz was a reckless fool in every reality he existed in. Or maybe, and the thought instilled even more guilt into her, he was afraid that if he told the truth, Jordie would be in danger. He was putting himself on the line in order to protect his older brother. From her. She'd always preferred being feared over being mistaken for a naive girl that was easy to take advantage of, but she didn't like to be perceived as the monster she felt like right now.

"That's not what it looked like. What sort of trouble have you gotten yourself into this time?"

Kaz rolled his eyes. "Just leave it, Jordie." Inej saw how Jesper next to her tensed up. "You're the last person who should give people moralizing lectures about responsibility."

Jordie flinched almost unnoticeably. "Oh, I am? At least I've learned from my mistakes while you're currently making the same one over and over again until it'll go really wrong eventually. And apparently, that moment is here. Why did this girl just threaten you with a damn knife?"

"We're practicing for a theater play."

"A theater play," Jordie repeated.

Kaz nodded.

"Good to know. And what's the name of the play? Where is it taking place? Does da know?"

"It's none of your business."

"I'm your older brother and some stranger just held a knife to your throat. Whether it's my business or not is not your decision at this point anymore."

Inej noticed a movement out of the corner of her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jordie," Nina said quietly, raised her arms and gently closed her fists. The eyes of the young man went wide, then he started to sway. Slowly, he sank down to the ground.

"What are you doing?", Kaz yelled and rushed over to his brother. "Stop it!"

"Calm down." Nina lowered her hands. "He's just sleeping."

If we're successful, he'll be sleeping forever, Inej thought and ignored the dull pain in her chest. 

Kaz kneeled down next to Jordie and checked his breathing. "Was that really necessary?"

"Yes," Nina said simply. "I’m sorry we’re ambushing you like this, but this is important. You need to help us."

Kaz raised up to his feet and crossed his arms in front of his chest again. "Why should I do that?"

Inej had to involuntarily admire the audacity. Not even a minute ago he'd had a knife at his throat and now he was seriously back to being difficult.

Nina nodded at Jordie. "If you don't, I'll do the same to you, but in reverse."

"In reverse?"

"Instead of lowering your pulse, I'm going to send it up until you spontaniously collapse. And then we're going to dump your unconscious body somewhere in the worst parts of the Barrel and see what's going to happen. So?"

"Psychopath," Kaz grumbled.

Nina raised an eyebrow and moved an arm, whereupon Kaz gasped and his hand shot up to his neck to feel his pulse. "Okay!", he exclaimed. "Okay, I'm helping you, just make it stop..."

She lowered her hand again and he, though out of breath, sighed in relief.

"Good boy."

The look he shot her at that could have frozen a campfire, and it reminded Inej of the Kaz she loved so much that the yearning became almost unbearable. She never missed him quite as much when she was on her ship. Probably because she knew she would always come back to see him again. Now, she wasn't so sure anymore.

"Wait a moment," said Wylan. He was worryingly pale and there was a sheen of sweat on his skin. The way he talked suggested he was stifling another cough. "You said the sapphire was gone. Does that mean the gadget is still here?"

"Of course. No one would steal this useless piece of tin, not even Ragnar."

"Where is it?"

Kaz frowned. "Is this really just about a heirloom? What does this piece of junk do and why is it so important? Are you from the government or something?"

"Are you really in a position to ask questions?", Jesper asked in that Jesper-way of his; not confrontational, but sympathetic, as if the question wasn't rhetorical.

"Just bring it here," Inej said, who was tired of the discussion.

Kaz disappeared in the other room. Inej quietly followed him to make sure he wouldn't climb out of the window, but apparently he hadn't planned on doing that. He was rummaging around in his bin, the only place they hadn't searched, and eventually pulled out the familiar tin gadget.

"There it is."

Inej ripped it out of his hand. "Maybe it'll work without a stone?"

Nina shrugged. "It's worth a try."

"How did it even work last time?", Jesper asked.

"Wait! If it really works, then he will inevitably come with us, won't he?", Wylan pointed out.

"Does that make a difference?"

Kaz looked at the group as if they had lost their minds. "Would someone explain to me what's going on here?"

"This is a time machine," Jesper said. "And we changed something in the past. Now our present is completely different and we need to go back in time to rectify this mess."

"Jesper!", Wylan exclaimed.

"What? Look at him, he doesn't believe a single word anyway."

Indeed Kaz's facial expression would have been hilarious under different conditions. It reminded her of the way Matthias had looked at them when he first joined their crew, and the thought caused another pang to her heart.

He lost the gamble in both timelines, but in the original one, he'd at least died as a free man without any hate in his big heart.

"You definitely have a screw loose," Kaz said then, shrugging. "But for all intents and purposes, I don't care, as long as you leave my pulse alone."

Nina grinned, "The deal is the deal."

"Shall we try then?", Jesper asked.

Inej looked at Kaz. If this worked, this would be the end of him. She was going to destroy his family, and she was going to destroy him, until he had nothing left except painful memories to cling to, and a girlfriend and a group of friends who had betrayed him in the worst way possible.

She nodded, "Let's try."

Chapter Text

Inej opened her eyes. She was still standing in the same farmhouse with Nina, Wylan, Jesper, a very confused Kaz and a fast asleep Jordie. Outside the window, she saw Abraham chop wood. It hadn't worked. Inej felt a dismaying spark of relief.

"What's supposed to happen now?", Kaz asked.

Jesper sighed. "You were supposed to turn into an insufferable mob boss with a crow cane and leather gloves."

Kaz's mouth corners curled up. "If that's what this is all about, all you had to do was ask. I would have said No, but this is a really roundabout way of flirting."

"Wha- no, you podge. Saints, he's even worse than before!"

"What do you mean? You guys act like we know each other. I have no idea who you are, and frankly, I'm in no mood to entertain this anymore." He crossed his arms in front of his chest like a petulant child.

"Well, you're also in no position to have any other choice," Nina reminded him. 

Wylan coughed, so violently that Inej was surprised his lung wasn't tearing apart. The handkerchief in front of his mouth was splattered with crimson blood. When Kaz looked at him, she saw some genuine concern mix into his frustration.

"Jeeze, are you all right, man?"

"No," Wylan wheezed. "I'm ill. I need medicine or I might die, but I can't afford it. Inej didn't want to put me on the spot, but...that's why we need the sapphire back so badly. We were planning to sell it. And if we keep talking, it might be too late; maybe your friend already cashed it in."

He coughed again, this time perhaps a little too violently to the point where it sounded forced.

Kaz gnawed on his lower lip and looked at his feet. "Ah. I feel like an ass now."

"As much as this acknowledgement of your faults is sweet music to my ears," Nina interrupted, "we should get going right now, so save your self deprication for our way back!"

She was already heading for the door when Kaz stopped her. "Wait. We should go through the bedroom window." He nodded to where his father was standing outside. "If my father saw me leave right now, he'd probably chain me to the damn stove."

They climbed out one by one, Inej first, then Kaz. She didn't think he would run away if he was first, or close the window and lock it if he was last, not now that he knew that Wylan's life was on the line, but she still didn't want to risk it. She saw him hesitantly look back through the door where Jordie was still unconscious.

"Hey," she said softly and put her hand on his arm, amazed that she could do this now with no warning, but he still moved away from her touch.

"Whoa, get away from me!"

Trying to brush off the slight jab in her stomach at this, she pulled her hand back and stubbornly continued: "All I'm trying to say is: he's going to be fine."

He's not.

Kaz was silent, then he nodded, but he still refused to look at her. Saints, I really must have scared him.

Then, finally, his cocky smile came back. "All right, let's go save a dude's life, then! Follow me."

Inej rolled her eyes. Jesper was right. Kaz Rietveld was a million times more obnoxious than Kaz Brekker. 

Still, she watched him walk ahead with an ache in her heart. He thought he was going on an adventure to save a boy's life. Instead, he was being led to his own demise. There weren't enough prayers to ever make up for that. 

They had been walking for five minutes when Kaz stopped in front of one of the farmhouses. "Can we take Mary?" 

"Absolutely not!", Inej said, perhaps a little too insistently. 

He frowned unhappily. "Why not? She likes to go to Ketterdam and I finally have enough money to buy her the necklace she always wanted." 

Inej had thought Kaz just wanted to marry this girl to upset his father, but apparently not. Maybe the old woman had been wrong about him. The love in his eyes seemed genuine.

It twisted her heart for many reasons, and there was little time to focus on any of them.

None of this changed the fact that she wanted to draw her knife on him again. 

Nina grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him with her. "Focus, Romeo, we don't have time for this." 

"But-"

"Do you want your pulse to go through the roof?"

Grumbling an reluctant agreement, he walked along with her as she and Wylan took the lead. Jesper fell into step with Inej. "You didn't answer my question earlier."

"What question?"

"How are you feeling?" He nodded towards Kaz who was already babbling on again, something about some street magician he'd seen in Ketterdam. "He's not exactly, well..."

"Not exactly Kaz Brekker?" she finished, quietly so Kaz couldn't hear, although he was clearly too enchanted with his own voice to notice or care.

Jesper scoffed. "I believe this is the kind of guy Kaz Brekker would rob of all of his valuables and have him dumped in the harbor somewhere."

His fingers were twitching again, and he was licking his lips while clearly avoiding to look at her.

"Do you miss him?"

She thought of his raspy voice, the familiar sound of his cane against cobblestones, his gait that always let her recognize his steps before she even saw him. How his breath hitched and his dark eyes lit up whenever she entered the room as if he was seeing her for the first time. She nodded. "I do. And I miss my ship, my crew, hell, I even miss the Dregs and the old Ketterdam. This city is not the same without Dirtyhands."

"Tell me about it. It was the strangest feeling when I asked around for him and no one knew who he was." He still looked straight ahead, then he bit his lip. Inej knew he wanted to say more, but she didn't want to push him. Patiently she waited until he finally started talking again.

"It's my fault."

She didn't deny or confirm it because she knew he wasn't done yet.

"I'm the one who pushed the button. I'm the one who lost the time thingy." His hands started nervously wandering to where he usually kept his revolvers, only to sitffly go back to his sides when he realized they weren't there. "After I nearly got you killed, you told me not to apologize, but to do better in the future instead." He kicked a rock. "But I don't know how to ever make up for this."

They were both silent for a moment. Ahead of them, Nina was asking Kaz if he ever stopped talking, and Wylan was coughing into his handkerchief again. Except from the chirping of the birds, it was the only sound they heard; Lij was unnervingly quiet, and she was only truly realizing it now.

"You're making up for it right now," she finally said. "By being here and helping us right this."

"But it's made everything more difficult, hasn't it." He nodded towards Kaz. "Look at the guy. His biggest issue right now is that his da doesn't approve of his girlfriend and his acting carreer. Are we really about to take that away from him?"

"Well, now you're making it more difficult."

"Sorry. If only I hadn't pressed that damn button..."

"Jesper." She put a hand on his arm, unable to bear hearing him berate himself any longer. "It's not just you who is to blame. I should have gotten rid of this thing instead of bringing it into your house. And I watched Kaz leave with the gadget because I was too frozen to do anything. I could have stopped him." She raised her hand when Jesper was about to protest. "I know what you're going to say. Just apply that to yourself too."

He didn't seem convinced, but he nodded anyway. She could still practically hear the gears turning in his mind while they followed the others in a somewhat comfortable silence. Eventually Jesper asked: "You know, ever since Wylan told us this was a time machine, I can't stop wondering about the What Ifs."

"You mean, what your life would be if you could go back and change your past?"

"Do you not think about that?"

"Constantly," she admitted. "But I believe the Saints have shown me the path of my destiny, and I must follow it. Straying from it feels blasphemic."

Jesper snorted. "I don't mean offense, Nej, but aren't your Saints a little cruel if their plan is to have a fourteen year old girl kidnapped by slavers and sold into a brothel? I always wondered how you can still pray to them."

Inej couldn't suppress a small smile. She'd had the same discussion with Kaz. Sometimes she felt like he and Jesper weren't all that dissimilar. "Religion doesn't work that way, Jesper. You don't pray and get luck or protection in return. You simply have to trust that the Saints have a plan. Mine has led me to saving people, and it has led me to you."

She gave his upper arm a light pinch and he threw it around her shoulders. "Kiss ass." But then he became serious again. "What do you think they have planned out for me?" 

"That's for you to find out. My guess is that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. In a mansion, absolved from all your debts and married to your soul mate."

"I'm happy," he quickly said. "Don't get me wrong. I'm very thankful for the life I get to live. I just wonder how differently it would have all gone if I could go back in time and..."

"...and?"

"...and save my ma."

Oh. Inej wondered for the first time if Jesper had truly pushed the button on accident, or if it had been an attempt to see his mother again. Had he known the gadget was a time machine?

"Do you think about her often?"

He shrugged. "Not as much as I used to. Sometimes I can't even remember her face properly. I was so young when she passed. But I still miss her."

"I'm sure she's always here, watching over you."

Now, Jesper grimaced. "Jeez, I hope not. My ma does not need to see what Wylan and I did last night."

Despite herself, Inej had to laugh. "And I don't need to hear about it Jesper."

He chimed into her laughter. "I'm sorry!" He gave her a little shake before he took his arm off of her shoulders. "But seriously, is everything okay between us?"

"Always, Jesper."

He smiled at her.

Ahead of them, Kaz, Nina and Wylan had stopped and Inej and Jesper caught up to them.

"There's Mister Janssen, over there," said Kaz and pointed to a slim man with a moustache and a beret. He was sitting on a carriage, slicing an apple and eating the pieces straight off of his knife. "He brings his crops to Ketterdam around this time every Saturday. Sometimes he lets me ride along. I'll go ask him if he can bring us there!"

They followed him as he approached the man

"Morning, Mister Janssen!"

Mister Janssen smiled and Inej noticed that he was missing a front tooth. "Kazper!"  He got up and climbed down the carriage to clap Kaz on the back affectionately. "Don't tell me you're about to go to Ketterdam again. We're losing you to the city at this rate!"

Kaz smiled and shrugged. "What can I say, it calls for me."

"And I assume you're here because you want me to take you. You and your friends over there." He flashed a smile at Inej and the others and waved by wiggling his fingers.

"If it's not any trouble?"

Mister Janssen made a face and scratched the back of his head. "Ah, unfortunately, I can't help you this time, lad."

Kaz's face fell and he tilted his head like a confused dog. "Why not?"

The man lowered his voice. "I had a drink with your father last night and-"

Kaz put his hands over his eyes and groaned in frustration. "Not you too!"

Mister Janssen put a hand on Kaz's shoulder and looked at him emphatically. "He's worried about you, Kaz. After what happened to you and your brother, it's no surprise. I always thought he was paranoid and overprotective to be quite honest, but after seeing him yesterday and actually listening to him, I felt terrible that I've went behind the poor man's back so often."

"It was nine years ago, Mister Janssen!", Kaz complained. "Jordie got over it, I got over it, why can't he?"

Inej pricked up her ears. Whatever they were talking about didn't matter, not really, but she couldn't deny that she was curious. 

Mister Janssen shook his head sympathetically. "When you have your own children, you'll understand. Sorry, lad." 

Kaz huffed a frustrated sigh. "The whole town has gone mad," he grumbled. "I'm eighteen years old, not a toddler! I'm an adult!"

The man threw his head back and laughed at that, loud and hearty. "Kazper, one thing you'll learn as you grow older is how incredibly stupid you were at eighteen. Trust me on this. Legally you might be an adult, but in your heart, you're still a silly petulant boy sneaking off his father's farm. Someone needs to protect you from yourself."

Kaz looked so deeply offended at that that Inej had to bite her lip in order not to laugh.

"Well, at least don't rat us out!", he snapped and pointed at Wylan. "His life is on the line!" 

Wylan started miserably coughing again. Inej had to admire his committment; his poor throat had to be completely raw at this point. Mister Janssen's smile fell and he frowned.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's sick," Jesper explained. "One of Kaz's buddies from Ketterdam stole something from us that could have helped us buy some medicine. He's helping us getting it back."

"Oh. Oh, poor lad." Mister Janssen seemed to contemplate something. Then he said: "I can't help you. I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable doing this to your da, Kazper."

Kaz looked at the floor, visibly upset and disappointed, but then Mister Janssen continued: "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to throw this away." He showed them the apple core. Then he looked at his watch. "I'll be gone for about...thirty seconds or a minute. Maybe two. I sure hope no one's going to steal my carriage in that time. And if they do, I explicitly request that carriage to be back here by tonight at nine bells."

They all sighed a breath of relief. Kaz grinned. "Thank you."

"What for?" He winked, then he turned around. "Nine bells!", he repeated over his shoulder.

"Of course, Mister Janssen!"

"I'm really glad I didn't need to put Mister Janssen to sleep as well." Nina held the reigns in her hands like she'd been a coachwoman her entire life. "He seemed like a genuinely nice guy."

"And my brother didn't?", Kaz grumbled next to her.

"I mean, he did, but he's related to you, so I have reason to doubt it."

Inej was curled up inside the carriage and trying to fight sleep. They were driving through a forest, and the rocking of the vehicle and the scent of wet leaves was almost enough to make her forget what they were here for, just for a second. If not for the smell, it would have reminded her of her ship, and of a time where she was the Wraith, not a girl on the run.
But when that image, that longing, surrounded her like a warm blanket, she thought back to Kaz's father lovingly slapping the back of his head, of the way he and Mary had looked at each other, and of how fond towns people like Mister Janssen were of him.

Kaz Brekker didn't have any of that. He only had her, and Jesper and Wylan and Nina. He would die for every single one of them, and they would die for him, for each other, but it was different from a community, a family, responsible adults who made sure he was well-fed and protected, who loved him unconditionally. Kaz Brekker had never had that. Or, even worse, he had, only for it to be taken away from him at a way too young age.

And suddenly she wondered if all of this was worth it. She looked at the back of his head through the window. He seemed completely relaxed, excited even. Innocent, in a way, for the lack of knowledge that he was a sacrificial lamb.

It was a punch to her gut. For a second, she considered the idea of not doing anything. Leaving Kaz on the farm, going back to the Menagerie, forgetting that she had ever met Kaz, Jesper, Wylan, Nina and Matthias. It was equally terrifying as the alternative.

Suddenly, a jolt went through the carriage. The horses came to a halt and reared up, then, suddenly, she heard them run, but the carriage didn't move. 

The doors opened on both sides of the vehicle. Someone grabbed Inej's arm and pulled her out.

For a moment, she was fourteen again. Napping in the caravan before fate took its course and ripped her from her family. Only she wasn't supposed to be that girl anymore. She was supposed to be stronger and smarter, yet she had slept on the job, been inattentive, and now they would all pay the price.

She willed herself not to disappear. One glance at the peacock tattoo on the muscular arm that had her in its grip told her what was going to happen if she did. She'd be taken to the Menagerie, where Tante Heleen would make an especially cruel example of her.

Another set of arms took Jesper, who squawked indignantly, and Wylan, who limply let it happen, fighting to stay conscious.

Inej practically turned into water trying to escape the firm grip, but it was no use. The man who held her dragged her to the front of the carriage. She froze.

There were two more goons, big and muscular, their primitive faces visibly pleased with themselves. One of them had a very pale Kaz in his grip, holding a gun to his temple.

"Easy, witch," the other one said to Nina, pointing his gun at her. "We only want the Lynx. You do a single thing to hinder us, and we'll blow all of your brains out."

Nina was trying her best to keep her composure, but her eyes nervously flickered to Inej.

"I got her!", the man who had grabbed her rumbled.

The face of the goon holding a gun towards Nina lit up. "Little Lynx! You were missed in the Menagerie."

Inej's stomach churned at the nickname, but outwardly, she screamed and kicked in frustration. She had escaped. This wasn't part of her life anymore, it was never supposed to be. She shouldn't have to be adressed with this title ever again.

The men laughed at her feeble attempts to escape. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be. If you come with us peacefully, we'll let your friends live. If not..." he went over to Kaz, who was visibly shaking, brushed a black curl out of his forehead almost lovingly and put his finger right in the center, "we're going to put a bullet right here." Then he went to Nina. "She'll be next. Although..." Something passed over his face, something lewd and animalistic, and if Inej could move freely, she would have skinned him alive. She watched him take a few strands of Nina's hair with both hands, running them through his fingers and letting them fall over her chest. "...didn't Heleen say she needed some newcomers?"

Nina's mouth was a thin line, her eyebrows were tightly furrowed. Only her heavy breathing betrayed how scared she probably was. "Pekka Rollins would have your own testicles served to you on a silver platter."

The man laughed. It was a dirty, disgusting sound. "My dear, Pekka Rollins, like all men in the Barrel, would do anything for the right price."

"Leave the girls alone." To her dismay, the words had come from Kaz, with a thin, high voice.

The men grinned at each other, then broke into laughter. The one who had spoken to Nina was the loudest. He turned away from her, brought his face close to Kaz's with condenscending, predatory eyes and then grinned, showing his yellow, foul teeth. "Such big words for such a little guy. I am cowering with fear. We should get rid of this lad right now before he does something we all regret." 

He revelled in Kaz's fear for a moment. The air was bristling with tension and anticipation, then he pointed his gun at the boy, whose breathing hitched and became more frantic.

A shot rang through the forest. Kaz violently flinched and screamed hysterically, Jesper yelled "NO!", but it had just been a cruel joke. The bullet had landed in one of the trees behind Kaz, but it had come dangerously close. The goons laughed even more now. They were cats playing with their prey, only far less intelligent.

Back on the Wraith, Inej would have eaten men like this for breakfast. Focus. Focus.

Her vision was starting to blur again. If she could only get the grip on her to loosen, it would be easy to escape. She did have a knife, though it was just a rusty kitchen knife, but the blade rested soothingly against her upper thigh.

There was no gun held to her head. Clearly they didn't deem her dangerous enough to consider her an actual threat. But once she moved, there was the possibility that one of her friends would be shot. Two of the men had guns; the one who did the talking, and the one holding Kaz. She had no doubt the others had some, too, but...

Suddenly, the man holding Kaz stumbled, looking at his weapon. "What the..."

Inej saw it too. One of the bullets was forcing its way out on its own, slowly, before it pathetically fell on the ground. The next one followed, and then another one. Too stunned to do anything about it, the men stared at the display.

"THEY HAVE A FABRIKATOR," the man standing in front of Nina yelled.

She swiftly moved her arms and he fell to the ground, screaming agony. Blood started coming out of his nose and ears, until he eventually stopped moving.

Behind her, Inej heard someone grunt, and when she looked back, she saw that Jesper had elbowed the goon holding him. He took the gun out of his captor's holster and twirled it with his fingers.

"Oh, my sweet darling, how I've missed you," he said tenderly.

"Jesper!", Inej snapped, and he came to his senses.

"Oh, right! Don't worry, sweetheart, we're getting to the good part!"

The bullet missed Kaz by millimeters as it buried itself in his captor's skull. The next one found its target in the one holding Wylan, then the one who had held Jesper. He aimed at the last man standing, who had let Inej go and raised his hands. There was a dark, wet spot growing on the front of his pants. 

"Are you going to be a problem?", Jesper asked, in what was probably supposed to be an intimidating voice. But it didn't seem to take much anymore to make the man afraid for his life. He frantically shook his head.

Jesper nodded approvingly. "That's what I thought." Then he shot the man in the groin.

After a few more minutes of agonizing screaming, it became deathly silent in the forest. Nothing was heard except for their heavy breathing and Wylan's coughing.

Kaz fell on his knees like he was too weak to stand anymore. "What the fuck," he whispered. "What the fuck. What the fuck."

He was shaking like a leaf. Inej would have felt bad if she was any better off.

"Is everyone all right?", Nina asked, breathing heavily and with a hand on her heart.

"I'm fine," said Wylan, who looked the least fine out of all of them.

"What just happened...?"

Jesper put the gun in the empty holster of his belt, seeming to find comfort in the familiarity of the movement. He shrugged and blew on his nails. "Seems like they didn't aniticpate a Fabrikator to be part of the troop."

Inej saw right through his feigned nonchalance. She knew he didn't like to use his powers; he'd been told by his father to hide them his entire life in fear of slavers, and also in fear that Jesper could meet the same fate as his mother. And now he had used them to save all of them. She'd never let him utter a single word of guilt again about the situation he'd brought them into by pushing the button.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Are you okay, Inej?" She felt Nina's warm hand on her shoulder. A flash of repulsion went through her. Gently, she shrugged her off.

"I'm all right. You?"

Nina went over to the man who had leered at her, then she kicked him repeatedly in the ribs as though he could still feel any of it. Then she spat in his face. 

"Now I am." 

Their gazes went to Kaz, who was still on his knees whispering the same phrase over again with his eyes on the corpses in front of him.

"Kaz," she started. His eyes focused like he was only now realizing that he wasn't alone. When she made a step towards him, he jumped to his feet and stumbled backwards.

"Get away from me."

"You realize we had to do this, right?", Jesper said almost gently, but Kaz was beyond reason.

His tanned face was almost as pale again as it was in their alternative reality. "They're dead," he said quietly. "Holy..." He dry heaved, then he rushed over to some bushes and vomited.

Jesper grimaced and turned his face away.

When Kaz had seemingly emptied out his entire stomach and turned back towards them, he looked almost as sick as Wylan. With a shaking voice he said: "Care to explain what the fuck just happened?"

Jesper snorted. "I saved your sorry life, that's what happened. You're welcome."

"Why was there even a need to save my life? Why were we in this situation?" Kaz sounded like he was on the verge of hysteria. "Who are you people?!"

"Kaz, listen to me," Inej said firmly and he fixed his gaze on her. "Ketterdam isn't a playground for boys like you to amuse yourselves on and act like you're bold for doing so. If you truly like the city as much as you say you do, I'm sorry to inform you that you've just seen its true colors." 

Kaz paused, thinking over her words. "They were after you," he said quietly.

She nodded. "Yes."

"They said... you were missed around the Menagerie..." His eyes widened in dismay. "Shit. You were- oh, Saints. That's terrible, I'm so sorry..."

"Kaz..."

"That makes my friends' behaviour towards you yesterday even worse!"

"Kaz!"

"I swear next time I see Kevin and Dante I'm going to punch them in the face-"

"KAZ!"

He finally looked at her.

"It's okay," she said, hoping her voice sounded soothing enough to finally get him to calm down. "Someone helped me escape. But it's very important that we get that sapphire back now, okay? If we have it, we can save Wylan, and I can leave once and for all."

And the only price we have to pay is your life.

He nodded in an attempt to be brave, but he was clearly still shaken. "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

"There's only one problem," Nina said. She pointed to the carriage. The horses had fled. Even with the vehicle, it would have taken them at least one and a half hours to get to Ketterdam. Without it, they would take at least a day.

"Mister Janssen is going to kill me," Kaz breathed, dismayed. "No, scratch that, he's going to drag my half dead body to my father and let him kill me. They'll take turns killing me."

"We don't have time to dwell on this," Inej said resolutely. "We need to keep moving, preferrably before anyone sees what happened here."

"You want to walk the entire way?" Jesper's eyes bulged out of his head. "Inej, Wylan can barely stand on his own!"

It was true. Wylan's condition had worsened over the last few hours. He seemed barely lucid.

She shrugged apologetically. "He practically weighs nothing."

Jesper sighed. "You know, when I carry him, it's usually for much different purposes."

"You'll live," Nina said. Jesper ignored her and gathered Wylan in his arms.

Despite his snark, Inej saw the true concern in his eyes as he looked at his partner, whose lack of protest was all the more worrying.

They went about their way. Inej had to gently tug Kaz along, who couldn't take his gaze off of the dead bodies on the ground.

They were silent as they walked. Inej watched Kaz from the corner of her eyes every now and again. His thirst for adventure had been quenched. He looked miserable. Silently, she spoke a prayer for him, though she knew Kaz Brekker wouldn't have appreciated it, and she had no idea if Kaz Rietveld would. She wanted to cheer him up and make him smile, but what good would it do? In the end, she would wipe out his existance and replace it with a grim, dark reality anyway. Idly, she wondered if she should take him out for ice cream before they would travel back in time to let his father be torn apart by a plow. It was miserable compensation, a meager last meal, but it was all she could offer him, and right now, she was ready to give him every thing that she had, small as it may be.

It was the least she could do. She wished Kaz Rietveld was at least a bad person. Maybe then she would have felt a little less guilty. But the way he had reacted to her being a victim of the Menagerie, the way he had been terrified for his life and still told these men to leave her and Nina alone...

She watched his side profile. Kaz was stoically walking, ignoring her and the others and looking on the ground.

Later, when the sun was starting to set and they were all too exhausted to take another step- Jesper, Nina and Kaz had taken turns carrying Wylan-, they searched for a place to rest for the night. They eventually found a nice hidden spot at a hill in the forest that gave them a view of the grassy valley beneath. Nina and Jesper fell asleep immediately. Kaz was sitting a few feet away from them, at the edge of the hill, and gazed into the distance.

Silently, she crept up next to him. "How are you?"

He didn't flinch like she expected him to, as if he had heard her coming. Kaz Brekker always had a way of knowing when she was there. She'd never managed to successfully sneak up on him.

He shrugged. "I just saw five men being shot to death and also, I can never show my face in Lij again. Other than that, I'm fine."

"I'm sorry we dragged you into this."

She noticed he still refused to look at her. "Wasn't your fault. I'm the one who lost your stuff." He looked at Wylan, who lay deathly still, his face pale save for his red cheeks. He was hugging his bag like a lifeline. "Do you think he's going to be okay?"

His concern twisted the knife in her chest even further. "I'm sure he is."

He nodded and fell silent again.

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay," Inej said eventually. "Clearly you're not, so...is it okay if I sit with you? Or would you prefer to be by yourself?"

He exhaled a long, shaky breath. "I was supposed to ask you that. You're the one who almost got kidnapped by these monsters."

"You almost got shot," she reminded him.

Even though it was dark, she could see his cheeks slightly turn pink. "I screamed like a little girl," he mumbled. "You must think I'm a coward."

Inej rolled her eyes at that. "You're human, Kaz. And you almost just got killed. You're not used to that kind of life. Most people would have fared worse than you. I thought you were very brave."

He snorted. "Brave? I screamed and then puked my guts out."

"And yet you still tried to protect me and Nina."

"Didn't help much, did it."

"We're here, aren't we?"

"No thanks to me." He twined his arms around his knees. "I asked Mary to marry me. How am I ever going to protect her and our family?" He sighed. "My father was right. I'm not ready to get married."

She looked at him from the side, took in how still he was and how tense, and tried to find Kaz Brekker in him. "You'd be surprised of what you're capable of," she said quietly.

Finally, he looked back at her. "What?"

"Most people are far more capable than they think when it matters", she explained quickly. "Especially when it concerns people they love."

Kaz kept his eyes on her as if trying to analyize her and she practically saw the gears turning in his head.

Scheming face, she thought quietly to herself.

Eventually, he looked away again. "I guess."

The silence that followed wasn't exactly comfortable, but it wasn't uncomfortable either. He seemed lost in his thoughts; if he was anything like her Kaz, they were going a hundred miles per hour. It was Inej who started talking again. "How did you and Mary meet?"

He scoffed. "You don't meet in Lij. All the other kids my age and I practically grew up with each other. I was always sweet on her, but I really fell for her when I saw her beat up a boy who touched her uninvitedly."

Inej couldn't help but be amused at that. Back in her reality, Kaz had told her something similar about a girl he used to like, Imogen.

He has a type.

"You really love her, don't you?" It stung more than she wanted to admit to ask this, and it made her wonder why she'd even asked in the first place. This wasn't her Kaz, but it still was, as a whole, Kaz. The version he would have been in a different life, the real him. And she still loved him all the same.

Kaz Rietveld smiled besottedly. "I do. Why do you sound so surprised by it?"

"Maybe because every parent in Lij with a teenage daughter tenses up at the mention of your name like you're the beelzebub?"

He seemed confused for a second, then he barked out a laugh. "Ah, I see you talked to Misses Graaf. Did she tell you the tale of how I publically ripped her daughter's heart out of her chest and then danced on it? It's Lij folklore at this point."

She smiled. "Something along those lines."

"Did she also tell you that the night before I cancelled our rendezvous, I caught Lisa snogging with her cousin?"

Inej nearly choked. "What?"

He nodded and shuddered disgustedly. "That sight was nightmare fuel for weeks to come. But it would be wrong of me to act like I'm innocent. It wasn't the gentlemanly thing to do, dumping her on the night of the dance, and I'd already had my eyes on Mary, so I was actually sort of relieved."

He looked at his hands. "You know, when raising me, my father really put empathis on how important it is to respect women. I love to tick the old man off, but this is the one thing I really tried to abide by. I hate that this is my reputation now, and I know he hates it too."

"Why don't you just right the story then? Tell them what really happened?"

He shrugged. "Who would believe it? Not all of it is wrong. I do break womens' hearts wherever I go."

Inej rolled her eyes. 

"I'm always honest though," he continued. She wished he would stop talking. "Never promised a girl a relationship if all I wanted was fun. If they wanted more after that, it's their own fault."

"Didn't you just tell me you respect women?" Talking to Kaz Rietveld gave her whiplash. "Now you're telling me you're using their bodies for your pleasure before marriage. Without the intention of ever marrying them!"

"Ah, that's the Suli idealist talking."

Inej flinched. She stared at him.

My little Suli idealist. Hadn't those been Kaz Brekker's exact words?

"I'm no Saint," he continued, ignorant to her reaction. "But I do have a strong moral code, and it tells me never to intentionally hurt someone. Its only flaw is that it simply doesn't align with the outdated belief system of the squares living in this hicktown."

She knew he was right. And she'd never berated Jesper when he talked about his conquests. Maybe a tiny part of her still wanted to punish Kaz.

"You seem to have a lot of resentment for Lij." 

He sighed. "It's not that I resent it. I just don't like how everything is so set in stone. The people there are against any sort of change, they have their outdated beliefs and stick to them." 

"And your da?"

"What about him?"

"You seem to love giving him grief."

He was silent for a moment. "I love my father," he finally said, quietly. "I just wish..."

"Yes?"

Another sigh, this time slightly frustrated. "I wish he could just relax sometimes! He didn't want to send me to school because Saints forbid I get some ideas into my head that may or may not get me in trouble. He doesn't want me to leave the farm because Lij is apparently the only safe place on this earth. He doesn't want me to marry Mary because he doesn't trust me when I tell him what I feel for her."

"He loves you. He's worried." 

Kaz scoffed, but said nothing. She bit her lip, contemplating if she should ask the question burning on the tip of her tongue, until she finally relented.

"What happened nine years ago, Kaz?"

He was silent for a long time, and when she almost thought he wouldn't answer anymore, he said: "When Jordie was thirteen, he had a fight with our father, and like most kids, he threatened to run away. Only that he was actually serious about it. He was being a dramatic child throwing a tantrum, wanted to make big money or something, and went to Ketterdam. He came back the same day. That's the only time I heard my father yell, really yell. He'd been worried sick." 

"Understandably so."

"Yeah. Jordie got scammed of what little money he had with him and almost didn't make it back home because he couldn't pay for a carriage. Thankfully, our neighbours were in Ketterdam at the time and took him with them. The next day, we heard that Ketterdam was on complete lockdown because of the Queen's Lady. Nobody got in or out. Jordie was really lucky; he would have ended up on the streets and died there if he'd been only a tad bit too late." He fiddled with his thumbs. "Still, that wasn't the end of it. The plague probably wouldn't have reached us, but Jordie brought it here. I caught it and almost died. Thankfully we had a good medik."

There was a dull ache in Inej's chest. No matter where he was, Kaz apparently couldn't escape this sickness.

"My father was overprotective even before that happened," Kaz continued. "Jordie told me that after our ma died while she gave birth to me, he was constantly terrified of losing us too. But after it happened it was even worse. Every time I came home with a scratch or a bruise, he would interrogate me where I got it from. When I came home ten minutes late he would give me a lecture. He started giving me so much work around the farm that I had little time for anything else. Jordie has talked some sense into him and he became a little less controlling, but he's almost just as bad, really." He huffed. "He's lucky that he's the older one."

Inej allowed herself to be a little amused at his petulant frustration. "You're not exactly making it easy for them."

"If I didn't allow myself to break out of these restraints once in a while, I would go mad." He took a rock and flung it off the cliff. "As soon as Mary and I get married, we're moving far away from here. I cannot stand this anymore."

In a way, she could understand him. She didn't know much about what life as a normal teenager was like, but she did know there was one element that she had in common with them: the detest of being controlled and infantilized.

Still, she was sure he wouldn't appreciate the alternative he was damned to; a life far away from the small town, without a fretting father and older brother.

"I miss my parents." She didn't know why she said this, but the words felt fitting, somehow. He looked at her with so much sympathy in his eyes that she had to avert er gaze.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "Here I am rambling about how awful my life is because my father and brother care about me when you have it a million times worse. You must think me a privileged prick." 

"No," she whispered. "I'm happy that you get to be a normal boy."

"Where's your family?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat. Last time she'd seen them, they'd all sat around the ridiculously large table in Wylan's and Jesper's mansion. Aleika Ghafa had asked Kaz with a motherly sort of dismay why he wasn't eating more and Aman Ghafa had sat next to his daughter, quietly making fun of him with her for the uncomfortable expression on his red face.

Now, she had no idea where they were, and if she would ever see them again. 

"In Ravka," she finally said. "Searching for me."

"You said you'll use the money you get out of the stone to leave."

She hesitated, then nodded. "Yes."

He gave her a small smile. "Then we'll do everything in our power to get it back."

Those words were his death sentence, and he didn't even know it. She couldn't bear look at him anymore.

Abruptly, she stood up.

"Good," she said, forcing her voice to stay firm and detached. "You should sleep now. We're leaving early tomorrow."

Kaz sighed. "Can't, I'm not tired." He stretched. "Usually I read before bed, that puts me right to sleep."

Her mouth corners twitched. "You need a good night story to fall asleep?"

"Oh, leave me alone."

Inej turned away to hide her smile.

When she woke up the next morning, her neck hurt and she felt a faint headache creeping into her temples. She wasn't sure if she'd slept at all, but then she remembered the sequences of weird dreams she'd had, of Kaz, her Kaz, being read a story by his father, while she watched from a window in the Menagerie. And of Jesper dead in the street somewhere, of Wylan's decomposing body pointing at her and asking her why she'd let this happen.

The others were awake already. Kaz was still sitting at the edge of the hill. Inej hoped he had slept at least a little.

Jesper had the back of his hand on Wylan's forehead, who had let go of his bag sometime during the night. It had fallen to his side.

"His fever has went down a little," he murmured, unable to fully expel the hope from his voice.

"Guys," Nina said urgently. She had pulled up her sleeve. Her Dime Lions tattoo was still pale, but it was completely visible now and had gained more color. They didn't have much time left. 

Inej checked her memories- the Ice Court, Matthias, the Ferolind, her days as a Spider, her ship- relieved to find they were all still there, but then she realized something.

"My crew," she whispered. All eyes went to her.

"I, I...." she put her hands on her temples. "I can't remember their faces!"

"That's our cue," Jesper said. "Kaz! Come on, buddy, we need to get going."

Inej frowned when he didn't move, didn't even look at them.

"Kaz...?", she hesitantly called out. A spark of unfair frustration and impatience flared up in her. He was always choosing the worst possible moments to be difficult. "Wylan's getting weaker. We need to leave!" 

He still didn't move, but when Inej was just about to consider grabbing him by his arm and dragging him along, he finally did. 

His mouth was a grim line and his eyebrows were furrowed. He walked past them without sparing them a glance. Confused, they all looked at each other before they followed him.

Inej told herself that this was normal behaviour for a teenage boy who had watched five men die and then didn't even catch any sleep, but somehow she felt like it was more than that. 

What a silly thought, she chided herself. What does it matter? By the time the sun sets today, he won't even exist anymore.

Nina had her eyes on him as well. Inej saw the same question written in them that had haunted her ever since they'd landed in this mess. She was almost surprised when she heard her say it out loud.

"Are we really doing this?"

Inej kept her face stoic, didn't falter in her steps. "What's the alternative?"

"I know. It's just hard. Look at him." She nodded towards Kaz, who was walking ahead, seeming kind of lost and deflated. "I feel like we're about to hit him over the head with a chair and beat him with it until he stops twitching."

"Thank you for that vivid image."

"And usually that thought makes me happy," Nina continued as if she hadn't heard her. "But now..." She trailed off, unable to keep up the facade anymore. "We're damning him to die, Inej. Him, his father, his brother." She paused. "And Matthias."

"I wish everyone would stop telling me that," Inej snapped, feeling the irritation creep up in her. "It doesn't change anything, it just makes it harder."

Nina bit her lip. "I know. I'm just not sure I can live with myself after all of this, no matter how easy or hard it is. Sometimes I think to myself that maybe, we shouldn't do it. We'd find our way out eventually, wouldn't we?"

She was right, and she wasn't, and Inej didn't want to think about it.

"We could go back and kill the slavers that took you," Nina went on. "We could prevent Matthias from kidnapping me on the ship and coming to Ketterdam. We could..."

"Nina," she said gently. "Look at how big the outcome of just saving one person from his destined death was. What do you think our life would look like if we did all of that? How do you know it would be better? It's best not to play with our past any more than we already did."

"You're right. I just feel like I'm about to murder Matthias myself." Inej knew exactly how she felt. Despite the fact that Kaz Brekker's story would stay the same, she still felt like she was rewriting it somehow. She squeezed her friend's arm.

Nina wiped a tear away. "I wish I could see him one last time."

"He would strangle you."

"Maybe I'd deserve it."

"Maybe we all do," Inej mumbled, still watching Kaz's back. 

Nina was quiet after that. The rest of their way was solemn and not even Jesper quipped and joked anymore. The closer they came to Ketterdam, the more agitated Inej felt. When they passed the first houses of the Ketterdam suburbans, she picked up her pace, not willing to drag this all out for a single second, or else she might change her mind.

"Where does this Ragnar live?", she asked Kaz.

He shrugged. "Somewhere in the Barrel."

"Can you be a little more specific?"

"I know where he is," he snapped. "Don't worry, you'll get your little stone back soon enough."

She jumped a little at his tone. Of course she knew he wasn't in the best of moods after what had happened yesterday, but it hadn't seemed like he was upset at her.

"What's wrong?", she asked him, but he ignored her. If she didn't still feel so guilty, she would have been annoyed.

"What's his problem?", Jesper whispered. 

Inej shrugged. "I must assume that being a difficult bastard is just in his DNA at this point."

It took them another hour to finally reach the Lid.

"We're almost there," Kaz said. 

"He can talk!", Jesper quipped, delighted. Kaz didn't react. 

"Ragnar lives above the barbershop", he said and pointed to an old shack with planks in front of the windows. Inej picked up her pace again, the others closely following.

"Are you sure this is it?", Inej asked. "All the windows are sealed. Kaz?"

She paused when she suddenly realized Kaz hadn't followed them. She turned around, expecting him to linger around for the shopwindows or a scam artist doing dumb magic tricks or some other stupid stuff, but instead, she found him stand there, completely still, with his arrogant, superior stance, his arms crossed in front of his chest, staring at them.

"Before you go in there," he said. "I have one more question." Although he sounded calm, there was a slight tremble in his voice.

"What is it?" 

Kaz's expression didn't change. "What do you really need this stone for?"

They all went silent at that. Inej cursed herself. They had taken Kaz for an idiot. She should have known better; he was a smart, stubborn bastard, in- and outside of the Barrel.

"We told you, we need it for Wylan..."

"Don't treat me like I'm stupid." He still hadn't moved an inch.

"Kaz, what is wrong?", Jesper asked carefully. In a disturbingly accurate representation of his alternate self, Kaz scowled.

"Leave the fake concern. Your book fell out last night. I read a few pages. I knew this weird tin crap looked familiar from somewhere." He pointed to the bag that was dangling from Jesper's arm. "For medicine, huh? Were you ever going to tell me that your actual intentions would kill me, or were you just counting on the fact that I'd be too dumb to call you out on it?"

"We're not planning to kill you," Nina said although only hours before she'd said the complete opposite.  

"Oh, but you are." Kaz's words sounded condescending now. "Because that's what's going to happen when you change the past, isn't it? I'm going to cease existing in favor of the other version of me." 

He looked at Jesper and Inej. "And don't think I didn't hear you two talk behind my back yesterday. You know me, don't you? From the other timeline. That's why you were behaving so weirdly. You said you missed me. Clearly you did something that made me forget you, and clearly you're trying to change it all again."

"Kaz." Inej tried to smile and ignored the sour taste of her words. "Are you listening to yourself? Other timeline? Other version of yourself? Come on, now. I know you had to go through a lot yesterday, but-"

"I remember you."

All words she could have said next died on her tongue and she felt all the blood leave her face. "What...?"

"Do you honestly think I wouldn't eventually recognize the people who saved my father from being torn apart by a fucking plow?"

They all stared at him in horror. He was there, Inej realized and almost felt her knees buckle at the thought of it. He saw his father die.

"For how long...", Jesper began.

"You seemed familiar when I first saw you," Kaz interrupted. "But it really clicked last night. After I'd read the book. I was wondering, hmm, why do these vaguely familiar people look at my father like they know him? It bothered me on the entire way, but when I saw the page with the tin gadget and thought about Jesper's time travel nonsense and me being a mob boss with a crow cane, I realized."

Inej heard her pulse drum violently in her chest in a much too quick rhythm. For a moment, it was the only sound she perceived.

"Kaz," she said and hated the way her voice wavered. "Please understand, you need to understand." His gaze went to her, looking entirely unwilling to even attempt to understand her. "In the other reality, you saved me from the Menagerie. You saved Wylan from working in a factory that made him sick. You saved Jesper from his debt collectors. If we don't go back, we're doomed to terrible fates."

She saw his stoic expression falter for a moment, hesitation flickering in his dark eyes.

When he talked, his voice was quiet. "And what is my fate?"

He must have noticed the way they all suddenly avoided looking at him, because he sounded more desperate when he repeated: "What happened to me in the other timeline? I deserve to know at least that much if you're going to kill me!" 

Inej wished she could just tell him they weren't going to do it. Send him back to the farm, let him live a happy, content life for himself. She'd miss Kaz Brekker terribly, but she'd forget him eventually. Only now she realized with horror that she didn't remember what he used to look like in her timeline. She only saw Kazper Rietveld. If they didn't get the sapphire back fast, all her memories would be replaced soon, and Wylan didn't have much more time to live.

Her breath hitched. "You're loved." Her own voice was barely above a whisper. "That's what happens. We love you so, so much."

"Why? What could a farmboy from Lij and a bunch of people from the Barrel possibly have in common?"

There was no way he didn't know. Either he didn't want to acknowledge it, or he wanted to hear it from them.

Quietly, she gave him what he wanted. "You're not a farmboy from Lij. Not anymore."

Kaz was shaking again. He was so pale, looked so scared that the knife of guilt twisted her insides even more.

"Kaz, your father died nine years ago," she finally said then. "And your brother too."

His eyes widened in shock and he shook his head. "No."

"I'm sorry, I-"

"No, no. I can't let you do this."

He stumbled backwards.

"Kaz." Nina sounded like she was barely holding herself together. She may act like she hated Kaz, but Inej knew the truth. He was family. He was one of their own. Causing him to suffer likely hurt her as much as it hurt him. "Please don't force me to put you to sleep."

His breathing was erratic now. She'd witnessed his panic attacks quite a few times. They were quiet and restrained. This one was loud and visible. He gasped for air. Every single strand of his curly black hair was vibrating.

Nina carefully approached him like he was a wounded animal.

"Stay away," he gasped.

"Sshhhh." She moved her hands, and his breathing calmed, though the tears still fell.

Maybe in her actual reality, Inej's memories would be wiped from this image. At least she hoped it would. Remembering it while looking into Kaz Brekker's haunted eyes would make her break.

"You're supposed to be our saviour, Kaz," she choked out, her voice thick with her own tears. "You're the reason we're all still here. We need you." 

He shook his head again. "I'm not anyone's saviour. I'm just a farm boy from Lij."

Inej wondered what would have become of any of the other farmboys in Lij if the same fate happened to them. Would they become Dirtyhands? Build an entire empire, make people in the streets cower with fear at the mere mention of their name? Would they have clawed their way out of the harbour stronger than ever before? Would they have saved Inej from the Menagerie, taught her how to fight and to defend herself?

The answer was as simple as it was tragic: they wouldn't. They would have died.

"No, Kaz," she said. "You're different. You were always cut out for more. You know it. Your father knows it too. Maybe that's why he's so afraid of losing you."

Wylan gasped in Jesper's arms.

"Wylan? Wylan?" Jesper shook him slightly.

Kaz watched, petriefied, as Wylan coughed and grasped for air in what seemed to be a particulary painful death struggle.

"You know this isn't right, Kaz," Inej said then and hated herself for her own words. "You know this life doesn't belong to you."

He squeezed his eyes shut, his mouth distorting into a grimace as he stifled a sob. Eventually, he gave them a quick nod, as if the movement pained him, like a plaster he tried to rip off quickly. Over the busy sounds of the Barrel- some people had stopped and sneered at the emotional scene- she could barely hear his whispered "Okay."

Getting the stone back proved to be the easiest part. Inej had dreaded that Ragnar might have sold it, or that someone else might have stolen it, but when Kaz and Nina emerged from the barber with the stone, the relief threatened to overwhelm her.

Kaz handed it to her. He looked resigned and stone-faced. She had no idea how to express her gratitude, or how she could even put into words how she felt, so all she did was squeeze his arm.

When she put the stone into the tin gadget, he held her back.

"Wait."

She looked up at him, prepared for him to try and convince them not to do it. But all he said was: "Please, not yet."

"Kaz, Wylan is dying," Jesper said sympathetically.

"I'm dying." His voice was calm now, controlled. "He'll be fine as soon as my father is dead. So allow me one last favor."

They looked at him expectantly.

"Please wait until the sun has set. I want to see Jordie and my father one last time."

Inej didn't wait for her friends to respond. "Of course."

She knew she was damning Wylan to suffer more than it was strictly necessary, but in the end, Kaz was right: he'd be fine. Kaz was the one sacrificing himself. The least she could do for him was grant him this one last wish.

Jesper looked like he wanted to protest, but then seemed to think better of it. "Okay."

"We'll see you soon, Kaz," Nina said softly. She hesitated, then she pulled him into a hug. Temptatively, he hugged her back.

"See you soon," he repeated. They watched him turn around and wave over a carriage, then he disappeared.

Inej looked first at Wylan, then at Nina and Jesper. "We did the right thing," she said. "Right?"

Abraham sat at the kitchen table. He had buried his face in his hands. The ticking of the clock kept reminding him of how long it had been since he'd last seen Kaz. It wasn't unusual for him to disappear. But he never stayed away over night. And also, he never left under such circumstances.

Yesterday morning he'd found Jordie on the floor in the kitchen, unconscious, with Kaz and his strange new friends no where in sight. His stomach had lurched, but when Jordie later woke up and told him that the Suli girl had drawn a knife on Kaz, he'd felt a terror that he couldn't compare to anything he'd ever felt before. Except the time Jordie had disappeared in Ketterdam when he was thirteen, or when Kaz had become sick with the plague, but even those weren't the same thing as now.

Back then, there was this fundamental belief that his sons would be all right. Now he knew for certain that Kaz was knee deep in trouble.

When he'd thought it couldn't get much worse, Mister Janssen had knocked on his door, looking contrite. He was turning his hat in his hands and asking if Kaz was back home already.

Abraham had told him he was missing, and then Mister Janssen had turned red and said he'd lent the boy his carriage to go to Ketterdam.

It took all of Abraham's willpower not to let out all of his pent up frustration on the man.

Stupid kid, he thought. Stupid, stupid kid. What have you gotten yourself into this time?

He prayed to the Saints, asked them what he'd done wrong, if he had maybe been too tough on the boy. He promised them he'd let him marry his girl, let him go to Ketterdam more often, let him go to university, let him be an actor if he so badly wanted to, if only he could get him back in one piece. If only he could hug him one last time.

Then the news hit Lij. A carriage without its horses and five dead bodies had been found in the forest on the way from Lij to Ketterdam.

If he remembered correctly, Kaz and his friends were a group of five. He'd felt like he was falling into a deep hole, and then he completely blacked out. Since then he'd been in a cathartic state.

I have to set the table for two in the future, he thought and blinked away the tears. What am I going to do with all of Kaz's things? What am I going to tell Mary?

Jordie hadn't left his side since yesterday. He was equally solemn and quiet. Abraham could see the genuine devastation and shock in his eyes. All they'd wanted to do was to protect their youngest family member, and they'd failed spectaculary.

But then, late in the afternoon, the door opened. Abraham couldn't believe his eyes for a moment. There was Kaz, alive, healthy.

Abraham wanted to cry. Fall to his knees and thank the Saints. Give Kaz the hiding of his life. Instead, all he could think to do was get up from his chair on shaking legs. 

"Young man," he said, his voice thick with unshed tears.

He fully expected Kaz's expression to morph into the condescending, cocky grin he'd gotten used to lately, but then he paused. Kaz looked strange. There was no snark in the kid's eyes. If he didn't know any better, Abraham would even believe he had cried. Kaz didn't answer. He crossed the room towards his father in four big steps. Abraham exchanged a look with Jordie, who looked just as caught between confusion, anger and relief as he was.

Then Kaz did something he hadn't done since he was eleven. He threw his arms around his father and hugged him so tightly, Abraham feared he'd dent in his ribcage. For a moment, he just stood there, dumbly. Jordie watched the scene with his mouth agape. To his horror, Abraham felt his vest get wet where Kaz's face was. He'd never been good with emotions, but an inner voice told him not to screw this up. Not now. This was the first time in years that Kaz was approaching him and actually acting like his son again. Cautiously, like Kaz was a deer he didn't want to scare away, he hugged him back and felt completely incompetent when all he could think to do was make shushing noises and repeatedly say "It's okay. There, there."

Kaz mumbled something into the fabric of his vest. Abraham leaned away a little.

"What did you say?"

Kaz, looking rather undignified with his red face, repeated it.

"I love you, da."

Da.

Abraham felt warmth spread in his chest. He'd give Kaz the lecture tomorrow, he decided. Or maybe not at all.

He pressed his son closer to his chest. "I love you too, Kaz."

They were in the wheat field again, careful to stay hidden so Kaz couldn't see them, wherever he was. She saw his face in front of her, void of scars and hard lines, void of the hypervigilance because he expected a threat behind every corner. When she'd be back in Ketterdam, that boy wouldn't exist anymore. They would have stolen everything from him. There would be no Jordie practically breaking down the door at the sight of his little brother being threatened with a knife. There would be no Abraham giving him rules, boundaries and love as a safety net to prepare him for the world. Kaz Rietveld would become Kaz Brekker and he would only have himself to look after him.

She made a promise to herself never to never leave him alone. To always love him as fiercely as she could, even from afar, even from the other side of the world.

Nobody spoke when they heard the sound of the plow coming nearer. Inej looked at Abraham, who frantically tried to free his foot, stricken, panicked. She desperately wanted to avert her gaze, but she felt like she owed him that much. If she was going to kill him- and wasn't that essentially what she was doing right now?-, the least she could do was not be a coward and look away.

She grabbed Nina's hand and Jesper's arm. He was still holding Wylan, who had stopped breathing about thirty minutes ago. Inej had to repeat to herself over and over again that it was temporary in order not to fall to pieces completely. Solemny, they stared ahead, where Abraham's cries for help were becoming more frantic and desperate by the second. Inej grabbed tighter onto Jesper's and Nina's hands, otherwise she might have ran over there and freed him.

Eventually, the cries aprubtly stopped and blood splattered all over the wheat field.

"DA!", a child somewhere yelled.

On the farm in Lij, a teenage boy who didn't belong in this world anymore clung tightly to his father and brother. He still held onto them as their bodies started to dissolve in the atmosphere like they were being whisked away by a gust of wind.

The pictures on the walls disappeared, along with the lantern that had draped the room into a soft warm light. It was dark now, and quiet. Dust appeared where it hadn't been a minute ago. It truly seemed as if no one had been there for years. But the farm wasn't entirely abandoned.

Outside, in the front yard, stood the same teenage boy, in front of three gravestones. He had a cane now and wore black from head to toe. He was slightly smaller and skinnier, paler, too, and his face was littered with scars.

Just a few minutes ago, he'd got done tending after the flowers. He didn't know if his father'd had any favorites, but Abraham had once told him that his mother used to love forget-me-nots, so the gravesite was a sea of blue and purple.

Odd, the boy thought. He felt like he'd only just arrived here. But he'd been here for way too long, lingering in old memories, wasting his time when he knew there were people waiting for him in Ketterdam. He wouldn't keep them waiting any longer.

On his way back, he passed a girl his age, too enarmoured with the boy she'd linked arms with to notice him.

Mary, he recognized and stoically kept on walking. He didn't need his childhood friend to see what he had become. It was shame that ate men whole, but it was also pride that kept them going. And it would lead him down a path where Inej would be waiting for him. Part of the dark curtain that surrounded him lifted. His family was buried six feet under, but how could he lose himself, be sad at a time where the Wraith was docking in Ketterdam?

There was a slight bounce in his step when he imagined entering the mansion, seeing Wylan, Jesper, Nina and Inej sit at a fully set dinner table, fire crackling in the furnace, dimmed lights illuminating laughing faces.

Of course those were the sentimental thoughts of a stupid boy. But as he looked back at the dark, empty farm house with the three grim gravestones in front of it one last time, he thought that maybe he was allowed a little sentimentality, sometimes.