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 The Sonic Effect: How dark waves of dissonant death metal has increased spending worldwide.

Before Pain Waivers and Crunch Contracts, the modern consumer would listen to their music in the bedroom, in their car, on their way to work, or in class. Now, Black Metal is on 24-7. Brutal ? Metal heads not when compared to the glut of teen yank o songs and wasted foot shuffle -cant make it out-

In a move that stunned critics, Senator Stampingston rolled out the "Metal for Cheese" initiative. This program will, in theory mind you, bring the hard to find cheeses to the less fortunate, as long as they sign in and amendment barring the playing of death metal forever.  Nice try. Stampingston, but it just won't work. We know all about your little club, and we think you and your club suck.

I'll sign any type of waivers, note, or legally binding piece of paper, as long as I can hear my music and hear it loud.  That's simply just an inherit freedom of being a human being, period.  I definitely don't need or want any pig headed simpleton who fears death telling me how to live!!! All I can say , Mr Stampingston, is look at the facts, I know this is something that scares you and keeps you up at night, but try it for once. Death Metal is huge, bigger than ever, and is not going away.  To quote Nathan Explosion of Dethklok , "We're here to make everything metal!" Period. It's not just music it's a way of life , an understanding that is rooted deep within this planet we temporarily sit on for what is called our lifetime. To cosmically appreciate the sonics (?) employed by true death metal legends, and to truly understand the waves that reflect back into their very being from the low end of a krank rack, this is what life is all about.

People like Senator Stampingston tremble like little children when the thought of death meta is mentioned because it causes a reaction that combines other things that grown little babies are truly afraid of. Death, Mortality, Stillness, A final ending. ( Continued on Page 34A)

Appearance: Dethkomedy Season 1 - Episode 5

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They Totally Deserved It!

General Crozier has once again made insensitive statements about the sand for oil war currently being handled about by the administration. The President wants this new initiative to be active by this fall, but with General Crozier's constant verbal brow beatdown, it would seem that the sand for oil war could continue indefinitely.

More on page 2.

Bless this Beetle!

A large gathering was held this weekend in New Sumeria, where Cardinal Ravenwood gave his blessings, and annointed the new grounds for the Silver Scarab Research Center. The SSRC will be host to many new multi disciplinary sects who guide the religious overviews of more than half the Globe.  Ravenwood will be having a sitdown meeting with Cardinal Chapps, and Senator Redetftion to discuss the five year planned buildout of the five hundred acre Center.

Tapped Out!

The overthrow of Dyn-Tapp has led to the bigges pharmecutical battle takeover in History. Salacionics Ltd. has just purchased a controlling 73% in Dyn-Tapp.

More on page 67.

New Dethklok Album is so awesome, it blinds Producer

Today, Dick knubbler was found floating off the shoreline of the Mariana Trench. He was taken immediately to intensive care, for severe injuries which seem to be self inflicted. Knubbler is famous for producing multiple hit albums for artists such as ChewGhost, Serpentine, Chill Chamber, The Ravenous 5, and now Dethklok. The world's most popular band  has been rumored to be recording their newest album, the long delayed in progress follow up to "Maggot Murder Meal", an album that has since gone on to become four times diamond platinum. Dick Knubbler sustained severe injuries to his eyes and ears. Doctors are currently operating on Knubbler's eyes, giving him the newest manmade robotic eyes, provided by Sense-Sight Inc. 

Continued on Page 3 

Appearance: End Credits of Season 1 Episode 2- Dethwater

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Judge Alfonso Rules

Rexlorr Inc. has been indicted by insane multi millionaire renegade Judge Alfonso. It seems that the Judge cracked one too many gavels, and has awarded Gibson Guitars the exclusive right to make building size replicas of their entire world renowned guitar line. The source of Judge Alfonso's limitless funding is still a hot topic of debate as is his close and personal friendship with Dethklok Bassist, William Murderface. 

Rexlorr Legal Representative Horus Charlock has stated that Judge Alfonso is completely innocent of any and all claims that he has been racketeering clients for secret money bases, and has dropped all countersuits against the judge. 

Rexlorr holds no contempt towards the Judge's ruling and that Gibson has every right to make its giant guitars using its own company's resources. Rexlorr Inc was trying to block Gibson (there is a thumb blocking most of the text where Pickles is holding the paper but I can make out this much) from manufacturing and producing...replicas of their entire...were to be placed along...Rexlorr had claimed that since...dirt areas three feet alongside the autobahn was owned by Salacionics, Rexlorr had an ownership

stake in the ... paid out costs for the...

Queen's Son: Face Smashed! Danish Prince injured by Dethklok Bass Player

During a sold out show in Munich, at the world famous Reichslagg Coliseum, the young and stupid Prince Henry climbed onstage to meet his idol, Dethklok's own William Murderface, during his infamous "Bass Solo". Questionable timing results in severe consequences, as Mr. Murderface defended his crown jewels and took the little brat down with a quick headbutt. The Prince was a sack of smashed potatoes in two, and was rushed to the hospital. Dr. Charlock was able to stop the internal hemorrhaging, and clot the remaining open valves that ruptured upon contact with the steely dome of Murderface. Ahh, just to report this kind of instantly satisfying violence makes this writer breathe much deeper than ever before. The Dutch, hammer smashed while at Reichslagg. Now that's German Engineering.

Potato gouging finally official, Senator Stampingston asked for all records.

...drawn in the backyard lawn of Rachel Targetta, an...down big government with her....as Corporations.

Final Session Released

Skull Session, Norwegian Record Producer, released his infamous "DeliDeathDixMix", after having shelved it for the past three years. The DeliDethDixMix is known for being the last recorded vocal tracks of G-Nome, former lead singer of the rap group Chill Chamber. These recordings also contain rare group collabs, like Michi-T playing lead guitar over Felbrick Zoner's ultra-syncopated drumming, with a shared duet by Strawberry Pain's Shayla Puss and Snake's N Barrels former lead singer Pickles. Skull has stated repeatedly that he has no desire to revisit the past, and these recordings "are what they are", with no enhancements or remixes. Mr. Session was finally convinced to release these recordings by being offered ? Million Dollars and half of Australia. Skull almost walked, but the idea of genetically altering Kangaroos brought him back into the deal. Gene splicing has become much more than a hobby for Skull, as he has gone to U-GENE, the best college in genetic studies and graduated last year with an MFA.

Continued from Page 1

Larceny was ruled out as a motive, but ...Police have stated that the suspect has very large feet, size 29 to be exact. Only...people on the planet have feet....brought in for...

Appearance: Season 1 Episode 3 - BirthdayFace

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The Purchase and Thieving Clause

Dethklok  has been given full privileges under ordinance act 32998 of the subcategory H-955. This ordinance cannot be rescinded, nor can it be abolished. Dethklok has been granted the full legal powers of use of excessive force and total unilateral punishment without impunity for all those deemed to be thieves of Dethklok's intellectual properties. All illegal downloads, uploads, copying, and unauthorized merchandising of Dethklok's copyrighted materials fall under this new ordinance. Dethklok Inc., under the laws set forth by this congress will hereto have total governing authority without trial, and no immunity can be given to any and all persons deemed to be thieves of the mentioned IP.

Appearance: Season 2 Episode 3 - Dethvengeance

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Dethkomedy!

Dethklok leads the way for Death Metal Humor

Funny Business has never been so loud. Black Metal has bone crushed the competition  in the Comedy World Cup, as improvisers from around the world have been going home early, after being schooled by the new Czars of Comedy, Dethklok. I know, you did not read it wrong. Dethklok. Comedy. Together finally as never before, and hopefully, for all eternity. Nathan Explosion has been vocal...

On the flip side, Dethklok Drummer Pickles has been out of the spotlight, refusing to perform either Comedy or Death Metal Performances. He has been spotted a few times, out by himself, pissed out of his mind drunk, falling to the floor  and being carried out by security at every event he was spotted at. Pickles can't seem to strike the right chord in the comedy business and this has stopped him from...

Full Story, Page 4

Appearance - Season 1, Episode 5 Dethkomedy.

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Dethklok Spotted at Dimmu Burger! Is This A Trend?

By Thom Himmerstel

Dethklok has been spotted at several more fast food franchises that up to now have been "off limits" to a super group that could dine anywhere and everywhere in the world. First, there was the sighting last week of Pickles the Drummer eating a "fake" crab-meat sandwich at the very popular Japanese fast food transplant "Tyrant". Then, three days ago, Toki Wartooth  was seen eating a deep fried 1/2 pound Lamb Shank at the all meat fast foodery "4 Inches of Blood". Then  this morning, Nathan Explosion was caught ripping into a fried turkey leg at the extremely popular and very cheap outlet "Dimmu Burger."

Similar calls and photos have been reported all across the globe, from what are possibly the cheapest and most carbs for your dollar fast food franchises around. Why has Dethklok decided to eat at these restaurants. This is possibly the easiest answer, because it is the most metal thing you could possibly do. Think about all the destruction you do to your body by eating this stuff they pass off as food? You are literally killing yourself with every bite. You might as well smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, since you are causing more death to your body by eating fast food. Dethklok is breaking the way we think about food by making us face our own death by eating it. I can only say this has opened my eyes to the ignorance of blind nutrition.

Appearance-Season 3, Episode 1: Renovationklok

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World's Greatest Movie Destroyed!

Only Print of "Blood Ocean" Burned!

"Blood Ocean" Hat goes for 1.8 Million!

FBI searches for Online Counterfeiting Scam!

Grishnack Lives!

Read all about the Dethklok Experience, and his journey back from near death!!

What will he look like after his massive burns?"

Extensive Six Page Pre-Op Pictorial!

Appearance: Season 1 Episode 19 - Dethstars

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Florida Schools Burn!!

All schools burst into flames 7:06PM PST Sunday evening. Police fear the worst. Full story page 6.

Wednesday July 14, 2008 

Newswire

DethKlok Savings Time!

Don't forget to set your clocks back 557 hours, which really means 23 days and 6.3 hours. This only applies to the citizens of Florida since the rest of the world will keep on truckin' on the same time schedule and calendar as the world has done for centuries. Good luck trying to be Florida citizens!

Stocks up for the Week!

Dethklok Worship in Palau

Melekeok, Palau - New Dethklok cults appear in the underground clubs of the capital city of Palau. This impact has locals worried of the effects this youth involvement could have on Palauan culture.

Ostriches Attack!

The Miami Zoo had three male ostriches. ...Officals say this is likely the...

Morgues Overflow with Dead Bodies

Dethklok Fans Cause Mayhem, again.

Possible Link to the Florida School Fires. 

By Poopy Pants McGee, Ph.D.

Once again, Dethklok fans have become brutally unruly and have been committing various acts of "metal" on the local populations and communities they are apart of. BeebleBobp, Mooncheves, our American Studies correspondent from some other nation had this to say about the youth of America. "It is quite clear that fanaticism can cause the youth of America to respond with behaviors that are bizarre, indeed." ...the atrocities of...

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DethKomedy Sweeping the Nation! Dethklok gives comedy a shot of new blood!

Sportstar gets More Money

Nik Chilbdiat, lead kicker for the LA Seals, is starting a bidding war!

Hollywood's newest superstarlet Holly Pain's new film, "Cloudy Mile", opens tonight and we have the exclusive!!

Potato Coverup Contained!

Senator Stampingston has swept the Midwest in votes for the Plastic Potato Policy. - Page 4B

Lose Weight By Eating Glass?

Cardinal Ravenwood continues his Glass only Diet, in hopes for world weightloss - Page 5H

Chong Bing Ling Frozen! 

The Mandarin Leader's head was successfully frozen on Thursday. - Page 4R

Civic Pride a Nono?

General Crozier wants nothing more than to see every single American alive outfitted with a subdermal American flag which will double as a credit card. Crozier thinks that any true American won't be afraid of being called a number, since we all are numbers already in the eyes of God.  More on Page 12-D.

Salacionics Buys India

The world's largest conglomerate has purchased the entire continent of India, to be paid in stocks, gold, technology, and souls. When asked if the "souls" part was to be taken literally, Salacionic's Spokesperson Melinda DeLair said, "Only if you still have one for sale". More on page 32M

DK Drummer Gathers Yawns!

Will Dethklok replace Pickles, their "unfunny" drummer, with a guy who knows how to laugh?

Movie star Charles Grimjibb and Hotel Heiress Reblenoff watch a drunk as nails Pickles defacate in his pants before vomiting on them-graphic photos page 17

The Panda Power Twins Lose Big!

By Will Evanglacassl

Tim and Eric Panda, also known as the Panda Power Tins, have successfully lost funding for their third sequel to "Towed and Lost in China," stated their representatives, The Lochnemmet Group. The Panda Power Twins have become well known for doing non sequitur "still lives" of eachother, often just saying whatever comes to their minds, ladled with artistically dipping dewdrops of phantasmagorical profundity. Their films rely on no script and heavy improvisation with the talents. Thes are films that critics have called "Beyond Boring" and "Waste of Life" to "Pure Genius" and "Glorious Masturbation Masterpieces."

The loss of funding does not directly effec the Panda Power Twins ability to continue moving forward with the filming of "Last Brown Apple for Billy" the third film in what is now known as the  " "  Trilogy. The first film "Brenda has now trapped Mary,".... 

Appearance: Season 1 Episode 5 - DethKomedy

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The Global League for Suicide Rights

We will commit massive suicide if Dethklok does not agree to perform "Dethwater" live for humans. We understand that the album was made for fish because fish don't have no good metal to listen to, but we feel that the exclusion of humans is unfair and driving us to having suicidal tenancies. The fact that sea life is 75% of the world and that we humans only occupy the other 25% should not deter Dethklok from playing the Dethwater songs for us to appreciate. True, hearing these low frequency double-brown tones could completely destroy our equilibrium, disrupt our internal organs, cause our brain to hemorrhage, but we feel it is worth the risk. We plead with the individual band members: Nathan Explosion, William Murderface, Toki Wartooth, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Pickles the Drummer, please, find it in your black heart filled with brutality and blood to give us, the fans, what we most desire. Give us the chance to die by your sound, to be crushed by your words, to be hammer smashed by your tones. Let us feel like the scaled and gutted and undercooked fish, let us smell the vapors of the scuba tank filled with farts, let us be electrocuted by the electric eel chair, let our skin burn and peel with shriveled embarrassment, let our blood boil over the decapuss pussy massacre, let us eat our own puke with swimming while eating, let us be dried  and buried as you perform covered in starfish. We only want to experience what billions of fish have already gotten a taste of. We are the untapped market drowning in blackness  and the juices of our own built up hardened excrement. We are the humble servants to the seared lamb and the scarred cow and the silver dragons ball that unites them all. We are the silent ones who mumble to the ancient ones who accept the offerings of the ones who cannot speak. Our voice rises from a whisper to a siren bursting the hearts of all who would stand in our way. We can only see one outcome to this madness. Death. We would rather die than not hear "Dethwater" live and die. We all die. Every single one of us. Blackness awaits for all those who breathe, be it air or water. Darkness. Blackness.

In Fear We Trust

We demand the right to see Dethklok perform the "Dethwater" album live in concert.

We demand that the restrictions and certificates of obstruction be removed immediately. 

We demand that the scarred and fearful fuck off, and let true fans hear what they want to hear.

We demand that attempts to silence, delay, hush, or subjugate this live album be hated.  

We demand that all humans understand that we are equal to fish, and that if fish get a chance to hear the album and enjoy it, so do we. 

We are not kidding we are not playing around this is no joke. Seriously.

We will cause devastation the likes of which this world has never thought of if we are not satisfied. 

We are after all called the International Terrorworkers Unites. Why do you think we named ourselves that? For pity, as a joke, out of insecurity because we are ashamed of our dull name to have timed our existence? OF COURSE, THAT IS ALL TRUE, but that is only the tip of the metal iceberg. 

Following us into this demand are all the darkest powers that exist for us. 

Appearance: Season 1 Episode 20 - Dethwater

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The National Responder

A daily publication made possible by the Grubbaldo Corporation, with additional founding by the SynLax Group.  95 Cents.

Liquid Metal Brain?

Top Scientists from the SynLax Group have announced the first functioning computer brain that is capable of performing thought conscious duties. The "singularity" is not going to be anything to worry about, since these liquid brains are installed with a very  sturdy implosion filter, a filter that the brain programs are painfully aware of. Once the...

More on Page 11

Brutal Press Meltdown

Can Murderface pull of the Biggest Racing Event in history?

Today's press conference revealed a very drugged out, flatulent, corpulent, and completely incoherent William Murderface trying to explain what will be happening at the nascar-type theatrical hybrid event. Nothing as of yet has been announced about what will be seen at this very secretive and completely sold out event. Dethklok Manager Charles Foster Offdensen released this post press release "We here at Dethklok Inc. are very supportive of William's newest side project outing, and have his back on this very individual and singular vision and idea, which no one else here at Dethklok Inc. had any part of coming up with, in both its creation and or eventual execution. Support of the full band will be on display and fans will not want to miss this special event on our very own closed circuit pay-per-view. Thank you." Can Murderface, usually quite hidden in both the music and appearance of Dethklok, overcome what looks a train wreck of brutal proportions. Can that really be a bad thing? We asked more...

Continued on Page 2

Slam Dunc!

Duncan Hills Coffee has scored a major slam dunk as their portfolio rises to a whopping four percent after acquiring the popular start-up, Cream-o-torium. Duncan Hills Spokesperson Carl Whitehaus stated "We are extremely happy with our purchase of Creamotorium. They were demonstrating the right kind of product growth, and were catering to our own very black metal coffee drinkers, so it was a perfect fit. "

More on Page 23

Twin Win!

The overthrow of Ty-Twins has led to the biggest pharmaceutical hostile takeover since Flex-Nib. Salacionics Ltd. has just purchased a controlling 93% in Ty-Twins. 

More on Page 42

Season 2 Episode 11 - Dethrace

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Police: Dethklok Tribute Crooner Still Missing. 

Authorities say band mates reported disappearance after headline gig.

By Lloyd Rimmer and Thomas England Thursday April 5, 2011 Updated 2:11 PM PDT

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Warning- This articles includes content of a graphic nature.

A Woman was in custody Tuesday in connection to the disappearance of Dethmudd frontman, Kyle Homandtl. Her involvement is unknown, yet sources close to the band say Kyle was last seen with suspect after the performance which would have put the Dethklok tribute band on the map.  Lt. Jeff Leightner said it is unclear if a crime has been committed but at the moment authorities are following leads. 

Catherine Smith aka "Trindle" was held and questioned though police say she was released after today after lack of evidence. Kyle's neighbors reported loud lavacious noises from his apartment the night he disappeared. Police say it is difficult to determine if the state of Kyle's residence show signs of a struggle as the supposed victims had a reputation of living a life of disorder.