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Chapter Text

(Sonic and Tails, have been on vacation in the Real World for the past two years. See, they were tired of the usual routine of stopping the evil Dr. Eggman from constantly trying to take over South Island and the planet Mobius, and wanted a little break. One morning, they head out to their mailbox)

Sonic: (grabbing the envelope) Oh, great, ANOTHER letter from Eggman. What does he want THIS time?

Eggman: "MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Guess what, Sonic Heroes, I've managed to collect all 7 Chaos Emeralds, which will power my new Egg Fleet! Think you can stop me?! Oh, and by the way, Sonic, I also managed to kidnap your little girlfriend, Amy Rose as well OHHOHOHOHOHOHO!! Ta-ta for now!"

(Sonic crumbles up the letter)

Sonic: Ugh, can you believe that guy?

Tails: Sonic, what is it?

Sonic: Amy has gotten herself kidnapped and the Chaos Emeralds have been stolen AGAIN for the umpteenth freaking time! Every time I take time off, that miserable excuse for a scientist can't help himself. After all, I am just a hedgehog, and I'm really tired of stopping his lazy ass ALL THE TIME!!

Tails: Sonic, what should we do?

Sonic: Let's go look for some rings!

Tails: Okay! (Sonic and Tails run off to look for rings. They look behind an old tree) Hey, Sonic, I think I see something shiny right over here!

???: Well, well, well, if it isn't the Stupid Sonic LOSERS! (Sonic and Tails look behind to see a familiar face)

Sonic: Well, if it isn't that no=good faker, Shadow

Tails: What are you doing here anyways?

Shadow: Well, if you must know, Eggman hired me to take you back to South Island

Sonic: No way! I am so sick of that stupid giant talking egg! You can go tell Egghead that we aren't coming!

Tails: Yeah, what Sonic said

Shadow: You know, it's getting kind of cold out here, why don't we go inside and talk it over? (They are now in Shadow's room) You two have been in the real world for long enough. Your vacation is over, you're coming back to South Island with me right now

Sonic: You know, Shadow, every time I try to take a vacation, some jerk with a vendetta against me for no reason wants to screw it up. Now, I may never get a chance to try out my new lightspeed shoes and my brand new state-of-the-art VR headset, but NOOOOO, make the hedgehog do all the work. You know, Shadow, there's a pretty good Hero of Time, who lives about 12 blocks from the Mushroom Kingdom, in the country of Hyrule. HE'S not doing anything, (grabs Shadow) WHY NOT GET HIM TO DO IT FOR A CHANGE?!

Tails: But Sonic, he has problems of his own

Sonic: Whatever, the point is, we are staying here!

Shadow: Eggman said you might say that. In that case, I shall fight you

Sonic: Heh, good luck, you can never keep up with me in ANY competition

Tails: Yeah, what Sonic said, again

Shadow: You are clearly past your prime and slower than a Motobug. Beating me will mean nothing

Sonic: You'll never take us alive! Oh, and I have one more thing to say to you

Shadow: What?

Sonic: Look, there's that damn fourth Chaos Emerald!

Shadow: (looks behind) Where? (Sonic and Tails run out of the room. Shadow looks back to see he had been tricked) GRRRR! You may have run away this time, but I'll be back!

Sonic: Whew, that was a close one

Tails: So, what do we do now, Sonic?

Sonic: Wanna race go-karts?

Tails: Sure!

Chapter Text

(Sonic and Tails head to their mailbox, expecting another letter from Eggman)

Tails: Is it another letter from Eggman?

Sonic: (grabbing the envelope) Yes (opens the letter and reads it)

Dr. Eggman: "Hey guys, so um...you didn't respond to my last letter and I'm starting to get a bit bored. I'm mostly just juggling the Chaos Emeralds for fun. My Badniks are not doing anything So, please come back. Please?"

Tails: What does he want this time?

Sonic: He's getting bored again. Seems like without us, he's got nothing to do. That lousy excuse for a scientist. Doesn't he have anything better to do than to make those zones around the island and try to have us complete them?

Tails: Not really. But Sonic, Amy is still kidnapped, aren't we going to save her?

Sonic: (thinks it over) Nah

Tails: Alright, suit yourself

Sonic: I have a better idea, let's go play some Wii Tennis

Tails: All right!

(Cut to their house where Sonic and Tails are playing Wii Sports tennis. After a few back and forth, Sonic ultimately wins)

Tails: Aw man!

Sonic: Yes, I won! Screw you, Tails!

Tails: You beat me again

Sonic: You know, Tails, some are born to play Wii Tennis, other have it thrust upon them, and others just flat out suck, like you

Tails: I can't believe you just said that to my face! (gets off the couch) You take that back!

Sonic: Never!

Tails: Fine, if that's the way you want it, then I'm leaving you! (walks off)

Sonic: Fine, go! I don't need you anyway. The name of the game is SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!! Who are YOU, Tails?! Who are YOU?! (As Tails walks out the door) WHO ARE YOU?!?!? Hmph, the only game HE ever did on his own was Tails' Sky Patrol, and that sucked eggs

Tails: That cocky, egotistical son of a bitch. That ungrateful moron never acknowledges my importance! Have fun finding a new little buddy, Sonic! (Heads into Shadow's room)

Shadow: Ah, Tails, I see Sonic isn't around to protect you. It'll make taking you back to South Island all the easier!

Tails: You know what, that's fine by me. I'm an sick and tired of that jerk taking all the glory for himself! I'm coming with you!

Shadow: Well, that was easy. One down, one to go (snickers) Let's go

(Music Insert: Hikaru Michi- Aya Hiroshige)

[Meanwhile, Sonic is in a bit of a rut. moping around. He slowly stars to realize that HE needs Tails more than Tails needs him. He looks at a photo of the two together that's allegedly from 1992]

Sonic: This is from the first time we met

[He starts having flashbacks to all the times he and Tails had together. From when they first stopped Eggman together all the way to their adventure on the Starfall Islands. The flashback ends and Sonic starts crying. Cut to him on the couch]

(Music Ends)

Sonic: (sad) Things sure are a lot of fun now that I don't have that flying tether following me around. Yeah, it sure is great being on my own. No responsibilities, just a free hedgehog. Aw, man....

Narrator: Will Sonic and Tails ever reunite? Will Shadow ever get the money Eggman promised him? And will my wife ever stop looking at other men? Find out next time on the amazing adventures of the Stupid Sonic Heroes! (Sonic flips the narrator off)

Chapter Text

(After splitting up with Sonic, Tails decided to come with Shadow back to South Island, but instead, he just starts annoying him)

Tails: So, you wanna race go-karts?

Shadow: No, moving vehicles make me nauseous

Tails: Oh, okay, then how about tennis?

Shadow: No, too much moving around

Tails: Okay, then, how about I show you some funny videos on my Miles Electric? (Shadow grabs Tails)

Shadow: You know what, Tails? You've been annoying the crap out of me so much you make my ulcer bleed! Why don't you just go back to Sonic!?

Tails: Fine, I will (Tails leaves and heads to the mailbox where Sonic is)

Sonic: Glad you're back, little buddy. I just got yet ANOTHER letter from Eggman

Tails: Really? Ugh, read it then (Sonic opens the envelope and reads it)

Dr. Eggman: "Hey, guys. So, bad news, I accidentally destroyed the Chaos Emeralds, while I was attempting to power my Egg Fleet, but good news is, I'm no longer bored. But seriously, please come back to South Island. You don't have to respond to this letter, you could just call me or text me or whatever. So, see ya!"

Sonic: (crumbles up the letter) Are you serious?! He DESTROYED the Chaos Emeralds?! I have just about lost ALL respect for that Teddy Roosevelt lookalike

Tails: Hey, um, Sonic... could we at least go back to South Island for just a little bit? I mean, who's gonna feed the Chao?

Sonic: Hmm... you know, they're big enough, they can feed themselves

Tails: Okay...

Sonic: Wanna go watch a movie?

Tails: Sweet! (They run up the road to their house as they sit down to watch Spider-Man) Ooh, I love this scene!

Sonic: You know, Sam Raimi didn't have a lot of money when he was making the first Spider-Man, so instead of lots of CGI special effects, he had to resort to practical effects and optical tricks

Tails: Sonic, will you shut up during this part of the movie? I'm trying to enjoy it

Sonic: Fine. (gasps) Ooh, ooh, ooh, this is the part where Norman Osborn becomes the Green Goblin-

Tails: Sonic, for the love of Chaos, will you please be quiet and NOT TALK?!

Sonic: Hmph, tell ME not to keep quiet, meh

EIGHT HOURS LATER

Sonic: (crying) I loved that movie!

Tails: Sonic, you talked throughout the entire Spider-Man trilogy. Now, I'll never know what happens to Mary Jane

Sonic: Oh, you didn't miss much. She dies

Tails: WHAT?!

Sonic: Just kidding, little buddy, I got you good. Boy, watching those movies sure was fun. I wonder what kind of movies Shadow watches (He and Tails start thinking as we cut to Shadow's room)

Shadow: Hmm, this Twilight movie intrigues me

Tails: You know, I bet he watches really stupid movies

Sonic: Like Twilight (He and Tails start laughing

Narrator: (freeze-frame) Will Shadow ever get better tastes in movies? Will Tails ever find out what happens to Mary Jane? Will Sam Raimi ever make Spider-Man 4? And will Sonic ever go on a date?

Sonic: (to the narrator) Oh, shut up!

Narrator: Uh...find out next time on the amazing adventures of the Stupid Sonic Heroes!

Shadow: Team Edward for life. Sam Raimi sucks!

Chapter Text

One morning, Shadow walks over to the mailbox where he receives a letter from his boss

Shadow: A letter for me? Ugh, what does Eggman want? (opens the letter and reads it)

Eggman: "Shadow, you IDIOT!! Why haven't you captured that blasted hedgehog and the fox yet? You've failed me time and time again so I'm sending someone else to aid you. It is imperative that you two succeed in your mission. I don't care how you do it, just get it done!!" (Shadow crumbles up the letter and stomps it into the ground)

Shadow: ANOTHER?! I work alone! I don't need some moron to follow me around (Suddenly, two pairs of heeled boots slowly walks up to Shadow. He turns around and recognizes the individual wearing them) YOU!

Narrator: Meanwhile...

(Sonic and Tails are walking)

Sonic: It took me three HOURS to clean that bathroom. Remember, Tails, NEVER share a room with Donkey Kong. He pees in the sink and gets hair all over the toilet seat

Tails: I see. Well, what do you wanna do now, Sonic?

Sonic: Wanna play soccer?

Tails: Let's do it! (They run to the park)

Sonic: You're gonna have to ask yourself one question, little buddy. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya?

Tails: As a matter of fact, I feel so lucky that I think I'm going to kick your butt (They start playing, Sonic being the fastest thing alive, manages to swipe the ball from Tails and kicks into the net to score a goal and win) Aw, man

Sonic: Yes, I win! (Tails quickly turns around and gasps)

Tails: Sonic! (Motions Sonic to turn around) It's Shadow, and he's with somebody!

Shadow: (chuckles)

Sonic: Shadow, who's that with you?

Shadow: Eggman want you to come back to South Island, even though you'll slightly be damaged in the process

Sonic: You didn't answer my question! Who is THAT with you?

Shadow: That Egghead thinks I can't get the job sone by myself, so allow me to introduce my new partner: Rouge The Bat (points to an anthropomorphic bat with white fur, teal green eyes with two eyelashes and pink eyeshadow, tan skin, and a curvy figure, wearing a tight-fitting dark purple outfit with a pink and white bodice-like garment,  a white belt with a purple and pink heart-shaped buckle around the waist, white gloves with thick pink cuffs, and dark purple boots with thick pink cuffs like her gloves.)

Rouge: Hello, boys. I am going to enjoy making you wish you never left South Island

Tails: What do you have against US?

Rouge: Eh, nothing, but Eggman promised me a boatload of jewels if I succeeded

Sonic: Of course he would

Rouge: And he promised that I wouldn't have to share a room with Donkey Kong

Sonic: Well, I can certainly understand THAT

Tails: (hits Sonic on the back of the head) Sonic!

Sonic: Sorry. As we already told Shadow, we are not going back! We are tired of running through those zones, WE'RE TIRED OF IT!! You can go tell Eggman to get someone else to run through his zones

Tails: Yeah, what Sonic said, get someone else!

Rouge: I thought you might say that

Shadow: There's no running away THIS time. It's time for you to face us

Sonic: Well, I guess we have no choice. Ready, Tails?

Tails: As always, Sonic (The four get into fighting poses and stare intensely at each other)

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter Text

When we last left off, Eggman sent Rouge the Bat to aid Shadow in capturing Sonic and Tails. After interrupting their game of soccer, Sonic and Tails were left with no choice but to fight them

(The four start fighting. Sonic and Shadow run around at fast speeds, while also punching and kicking. Meanwhile, Tails and Rouge just dance around each other)

Tails: Listen, I don't wanna hurt you

Rouge: It's because I'm a girl, isn't it?

Tails: Yeah...?

Rouge: First thing you gotta know about me (sweep kicks Tails) I'm not that kind of girl. (grabs Tails' legs and wraps them around her left leg, turns around and puts him in a wrestling hold called the "Sharpshooter")

Tails: Wait, what are you- (howls in pain)

Rouge: Hurts, doesn't it?

Tails: Sonic, help me! (Sonic rushes to Tails' side and pushes Rouge off. Tails clutches his leg) Thanks

Sonic: Any time, buddy (runs off to fight Shadow. Sonic punches Shadow a few times, but Shadow manages to dodge the last punch and headbutts Sonic which also hurts HIS head)

Tails: Hey, Rouge, try THIS on for size (throws some dummy ring bombs at Rouge, but Rouge swiftly avoids them and rushes at Tails and punches him. Tails crawls back to Sonic)

Sonic: Okay, it's time to get serious, Tails

Tails: Let's kick some bad guy butt! (Sonic curls into a ball) Ooh, it's about time! (Sonic performs his legendary spin dash and dashes towards Shadow, knocking him to the ground)

Rouge: (standing over Shadow) I knew you were too weak. Let me take care of this (Rouge uses her wings to zip around and kicks Tails in the back of the head) How do you like me NOW?

Sonic: Nobody hurts MY best friend and gets away with it! (Sonic runs up a nearby tree, bounces around and performs a Homing Attack on Rouge) And that's how it's done (runs over to Tails) Tails, get up, we won!

Tails: Yeah! (They walk over to the defeated Team Dark)

Sonic: Like we said before, we are staying here!

Rouge: I'll admit, you ARE pretty good, but when the time comes, we'll be back and better than before

Tails: Go on making threats, when YOU'RE ready, we'll kick your butts again

Shadow: Until we meet again, Sonic Zeroes! (Shadow and Rouge walks off)

Tails: Do  you really think they mean it, Sonic?

Sonic: Hmm, I don't know. Wanna go get some chili dogs?

Tails: Okay

Sonic: All right!

Chapter Text

(Sonic and Tails head to their mailbox, like they do every morning, to see if they got another letter from Eggman, Unsurprisingly, they do, and so, Sonic opens up the envelope and reads it)

Eggman: "Let me guess, they didn't catch you, did they? Hmph Typical! I thought Rouge would be the perfect partner. So, Are you still not coming back? I thought so. I mean, it's not like I was expecting you to come back or whatever. Just respond to this letter if you can. Bye."

Sonic: Pathetic, what a loser! (crumbles up the letter and throws it on the ground)

Tails: So, what so you wans to do now, Sonic?

Sonic: Wanna go for a ride in my go-kart?

Tails: Sure

(they drive around in the kart, listening to the sweet soothing sounds of Crush 40 until they come to a screeching halt. A strange ball lands in front of them. they get out to inspect it. This ball is red and white with a black line going around it and a silver button in the middle)

Tails: Huh?

Sonic: WHat kind of a moron throws a ball at someone

Tails: Sonic, I think I see someone over there

Sonic: Where?

Tails: (points in the direction he's looking at) Over there, see? He's hiding

(They spot a kid, about 10 years old, with tan skin, distinctive lighting bolt marks on his cheeks, raven-colored spiky hair, wearing a red and white baseball cap with a green stylized "L" on it, a short-sleeved blue jacket with a gold trim, white collar and sleeves, a dark teal T-shirt, blue jeans with light blue cuffs, black and white sneakers with red dots, and green fingerless gloves with light green borders. This kid pops his head out from a bush)

??? Gotta catch 'em all (He jumps out from the bush and starts dancing to a familiar tune)

I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

To catch them is my real test

To train them is my cause

I will travel across the land, searching far and wide

Teach Pokémon to understand the power that's inside

Sonic: Um...excuse me? But who ARE you?

Ash: My name is Ash Ketchum, from Pallet Town. I come from the Kanto Region, I was trying to catch you

Sonic: Catch me? WHY?

Ash: Because...I gotta catch 'em all!

Tails: Catch what all?

Ash: All the Pokémon

Sonic: What are Pokémon?

Ash: What I have t catch all of

Tails: Why did you throw this ball at us?

Ash: I was searching for a Charizard, level 47, post-transformation Charmeleon

Sonic: And that's a Pokémon?

Ash: It is one of the kabillions that I must catch, for I must catch 'em all

Sonic: AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CATCH THEM ALL???!!!

Ash: Because....I gotta

Sonic: Ash Ketchum...Ash Ketchum...(gasps) I remember where I heard your name. That's right. Donkey Kong mentioned you. He said you tried to shove him into one of those balls

Tails: Oh, so he's that Ash Ketchum

Sonic: Do me a favor, kid, stay the hell away from us

Tails: Yeah, and take your stupid ball with you (throws the ball at Ash. Ash walks away)

Sonic: NOBODY LIKES YOU, ASH!!!

Tails: Thank goodness we got rid of that weirdo

Sonic: I know. I never want to hear about Pokémon ever again

Tails: Hey, I wonder what Shadow and Rouge are up to

(Cut to Shadow's room)

Rouge: I'm bored. What do you wanna do, Shadow?

Shadow: Wanna watch Twilight?

Rouge: Ugh, I HATE the Twilight movies, Let's watch Spider-Man!

Shadow: (grabs Rouge and pins her against the wall) I HATE Spider-Man, I HATE Sam Raimi, and I hate YOU!!! (calms down and sighs) You wanna go bug Sonic?

Rouge: Fine

Chapter Text

Sonic and Tails, bored one day, decide to go out and get jobs. Today, they will have several interviews and tests to attend. Let's find out what happens

Interview #1: Printer Store Clerk

(The printer clerks looks at a couple of papers)

Printer Clerk: So, guys, your resumés look good. I think you're all set. So, let me just fill you in on all the printers and what they do. (Goes over to a white printer with a fax machine on the side) This is a real beauty of ours. This big mama is six in one. SIX IN ONE!! Color printer, Color fax, color copier, color scanner, color photo, color photo capture. (sniffles) Yep, I think you guys are gonna be a fine addition to our family here at Color/Printer/Copier

Sonic: So, we definitely got the job?!

Printer Clerk: Actually, No. I already found two guys who were perfect for the job

Tails: WHAT?! (Shadow and Rouge burst through the door)

Shadow: We win, Sonic Zeroes!

Rouge: You guys suck!

Job Test #1: Dancer

(Sonic and Tails walk by a strange girl with pink hair tied in pigtails, blue eyes with light red eyeshadow, wearing an orange top with a white border and a symbol of a TV with the number 5 in it, orange gloves, an orange skirt with a white border, high=heeled boots with a white border and red soles and a blue headset)

Ulala: Hey, you two. Wait here a second! You two are perfect! Hey, guys, we've got one! (Suddenly a camera crew comes in and the girl talks to the camera) Hey there, space cats! Ulala here coming to you live from a very quiet neighborhood here in San Francisco. I'm currently conducting a test with two potential dancers to see if they've got what it takes to be SWINGIN'! (to Sonic and Tails) what are you names?

Sonic: I'm Sonic! Sonic The Hedgehog!

Tails: And I'm Tails!

Ulala: Alright, Sonic and Tails, let's see what you got

(Sonic and Tails do the infamous Apache dance from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Ulala: I'm sorry, cut, cut, cut! (The camera cuts) What was THAT? That was the worst dancing I've ever seen! Go! Get out of here! You'll never dance in this town again! (Sonic and Tails run off)

Job Test #2: Video Game Creator

(Sonic and Tails walk into a boardroom of a powerful video game company. The head of the company, Bob, and the rest of the board, stare intensely at the two)

Bob: So, you guys have what it takes to make a cool video game?

Tails: Yes

Bob: (stars acting happy) well, let's hear it, because we here at The Game Factory are ALWAYS open to new ideas

Joe: Ha, that's right, Bob

Bob: You said it, Joe (He and the rest of the board all start laughing. They stop when Sonic and Tails start pitching their idea)

Tails: A speedy blue hedgehog and his two-tailed fox companion live on a magical island called South Island and they have to save the creatures of the forest from an evil scientist

Sonic: And they do all that by running, jumping, and spin-dashing their way through several zones while collecting magical gemstones called "Chaos Emeralds"

Bob: Well, I have to say, that is the greatest idea I've heard in a long time. And by great, I mean, THAT SUCKS!! Do we look like sell-outs? Do we look like Square Enix? Do we LOOK like we take that kind of trash here?! Everyone in this room is now ten times more dumb because of your stupid, pathetic idea! What are we, CAPCOM?! Do we look like we publish horse crap? We are not EA Games! I created a great video game about two kids who are being chased by a killer lawnmower! What have YOU done? Nothing (takes off his tie) NOTHING!!! (throws the tie at a random board member who collapses and dies) So, get out, And take your lame idea with you! They may accept that kind of crap at SEGA, but not here! So, get out! Out, out, OUT!! (Sonic and Tails are so frightened by him that they run off. Bob sits back down and calms down)

Joe: Do you think you might have overreacted a bit?

Bob: Yeah, probably

Tails: Hey, Sonic, can we just go back to the way we were before we did all this?

Sonic: You mean when we just sat around and played video games all day?

Tails: Yeah. So, what do you wanna do now, Sonic?

Sonic: Wanna go play video games?

Tails: Sure!

(Meanwhile, Ash Ketchum is on the phone with the guys from The Game Factory)

Ash: So, I've got this great idea for a game, where a character runs around and throws small balls at these little monsters and that they fit in your pocket and the character has to catch them all. What do you think?

Bob: Well, that may just be the best idea I've heard all day. But how about instead of "Pocket Monsters", let's just call it "Pokémon" It's simple, it rolls off the tongue okay, bye! (hangs up) Guys, I think we've found our next hit game, it's called "Pokémon" He runs around, throws the ball, catches monsters, and does it all over again until he catches them all, it's fun, it's simple, the kids will love it, am I right, fellas? (The rest of the board all laugh)

Chapter Text

(Sonic and Tails are standing by the mailbox eating bananas while Donkey Kong heads over to read a letter he got from Diddy Kong)

Diddy Kong: "Hey, DK it's me, Diddy! The bananas have been stolen again. And no, it's not K. Rool this time. Be on the lookout for an anthropomorphic hedgehog and his flying friend! Please recover the bananas!" (Donkey Kong tears up the letter and growls)

Sonic: Heh, what's wrong, Donkey Kong, miss the toilet again? (Sonic and Tails laugh)

Tails:(laughing) That was a good one, Sonic

Donkey Kong: You two stole my bananas, Prepare to feel my DK wrath!

Tails: What? We didn't steal your bananas. We got these at the TGF Fruit Stand!

Donkey Kong: Lies, lies, DIE!! (Sonic and Tails run away while DK gives chase)

Sonic: Tails, look, my car! (Starts the ignition but it won't start up) Tails, it's not starting!

Tails: Sonic, I think it's out of gas! (They hide behind a dirt mound until DK finds them. DK chases after the two until they are cornered by an old shed)

Sonic: (scared) DK, please, I promise I won't make jokes about your hygiene ever again!

Tails: (scared) Me too! (Sonic and Tails scream as DK growls at them)

???: Excuse me! (Sonic, Tails, and DK turn around and spot a man wearing a brown industrial work shirt and brown industrial shorts, holding a clipboard and a envelope labeled "URGENT") Excuse me, are you Mr. Kong?

Donkey Kong: Who, me?

???: Yes, you. Uh, this letter came to us today, it says "URGENT". It was meant to come with your other letter but it (chuckles) got misplaced (gives DK a pen) so sign right here. And here. and here. Thank you. UPS never gets anything not on time. Does that make sense to you? (DK nods no) Of course it doesn't. Anyway, have a good day! (points to Sonic and Tails) You two! (walks away)

Sonic: Please! Don't leave us here with HIM!

UPS Man: I wish I could stay, but I've got a lot of packages and letters to deliver. It all comes at the price of being a delivery man (chortles) See ya (walks away)

Diddy Kong: "By the way, it was Shadow and Rouge that stole them, so don't go chasing Sonic and Tails, because that would be stupid. Later, DK!"

Donkey Kong: Sorry I mistook you for the thieves. Can you forgive me? (Sonic has an intense staredown with DK)

Sonic: Of course not! Did you think I would forget about THIS, the Olympics, AND the toilet seat?! Out of my face! (walks off)

Tails: Yeah, what Sonic said, out of his face (follows Sonic)

(Meanwhile, in Shadow's room)

Shadow: Ah, those bananas were so great, I couldn't eat another bite

Rouge: That Donkey Kong is so stupid, he'll never figure out it was us who stole them

Shadow: I know, right? What a dope!

Rouge: He's so stupid, he makes a rock look smart

Shadow: No, he's so stupid, he makes Sam Raimi look like Tommy Wiseau

Rouge: He's so dumb, he makes Jojo Siwa look like a good singer (They both start laughing)

Donkey Kong: (bursts in and starts howling and growling)

(Shadow and Rouge both scream)

Chapter Text

(It was a bright, sunny morning, and Sonic The Hedgehog has gone for a run)

(Insert Song: It Doesn't Matter - Tony Harnell and Jun Senoue)

(Sonic runs all through the neighborhood, the public park, the lake, the forest, until a certain black and red hedgehog trips him over with his foot. He rolls very fast, slamming into a nearby tree)

(record scratch)

Sonic: Shadow, what the hell?!

Shadow: Sorry, but I couldn't resist

Sonic: Why are you always like this. interrupting my one moment of peace? I'm not called "The Fastest Thing Alive" for nothing

Shadow: Oh please, YOU, the Fastest Thing Alive? Clearly, I am the fastest thing alive?

Sonic: Oh, yeah? Let's prove it

Shadow: Prove what?

Sonic: Let's have a good, old-fashioned race to prove who truly is the fastest thing alive. What do you say?

Shadow: Hmph, I suppose I could take some time out of trying to capture you and take you and that fox back to South Island to take part in this race. Okay, Sonic, you're on! (Sonic and Shadow shake hands)

(Cut to the mailbox. Sonic and Shadow are lined up. Tails and Rouge are on the sidelines)

Sonic: Alright, this is a standard foot race. First to reach the checkpoint at the lake wins.

Shadow: Hmph, this'll be easy

Sonic: Yeah, Easy for ME! My super speed shoes will help me win this. All YOU'VE got are those stupid skates

Shadow: They're air shoes!

Rouge: You can do this, Shadow, show that Sonic who the real fastest thing alive is!

(Tails stands in front of them holding a flag)

Tails: On your mark... (Sonic and Shadow get into position) Get set... (Sonic and Shadow both smirk) GO! (Sonic and Shadow take off leaving Tails and Rouge in the dust)

(Insert Song: Super Sonic Racing - Richard Jacques and SEGA SOUND TEAM)

(Sonic and Shadow, both being extremely fast hedgehogs, are neck and neck with each other. Every time Sonic gets ahead of Shadow, Shadow finds a way to make sure HE is ahead. As soon as they reach the lake, Shadow seizes his opportunity and shoves Sonic off-course. Shadow sees the finish line in front of him)

Shadow: Hahahaha! Take that! Just a few more inches and I'll be the fastest thing ali-(slips on a banana peel that was conveniently places in the middle of the road)

(Sonic seizes his opportunity and grabs the checkpoint flag to win)

(End Insert Song)

Sonic: Yes, I win! In your face, Shadow, I am and always will be the fastest thing alive!

(Shadow gets up and growls)

Shadow: Screw you, Sonic! (throws the banana peel behind him and tries to lunge at Sonic, but a hairy arm grabs him. It's Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong howls and Shadow runs away while DK gives chase)

Chapter Text

(Shadow and Rouge head to the mailbox to see if they got a letter from their boss, Dr. Eggman. Shadow opens the envelope and reads it)

Eggman: "Shadow, Rouge, what in the world have you been DOING?! Why haven't you captured Sonic and Tails yet!? You two are starting to lose my patience, so GET THEM BACK HERE NOW!!!!" 

(Shadow tears up the letter and he and Rouge stomp it into the ground)

Shadow: GRRR!!! Who does that Eggman think we are?!

Rouge: Um, the ones he hired to capture Sonic and Tails, duh!

Shadow: Oh, thanks, Captain Obvious, I wasn't aware! You know, I'm tired of him always getting on my case. Why does he want them back so bad, isn't he going to kill them anyways?

Rouge: Who knows. Well, what do you want to do now, Shadow?

Shadow: Wanna get some snacks?

Rouge: Sure...it's not like I've got anything better to do (They run off towards a snack stand run by Bob and Joe of The Game Factory)

Bob: (serious) So, you guys want some snacks?

Rouge: Yes (Bob and Joe sit in silence for two seconds before acting all chipper)

Bob: (chipper) Well, too bad! Because we here at TGF Snack Stand just ran out

Joe: That's right, Bob

Bob: You said it, Joe (They both laugh)

Shadow: WHAT?! No SNACKS?!

Bob: Yeah, now get out of here! (Shadow and Rouge walk away and got sit on a swing set)

Shadow: What's their problem?

Rouge: They probably just had a bad fight with a lawn mower long ago 

Sonic: Well, well, well, if it isn't Shadow and Rouge

Shadow: Oh, no... Look, I haven't had any snacks today, so I have no energy. I can't take you back to South Island today

Tails: Wait, are you saying you're actually gonna let us go about our own business?

Shadow: Yes, yes

Sonic: You mean you're actually gonna leave us alone today?

Shadow: YES, now go away, I'm not in the mood!

Rouge: Yeah, what Shadow said, not in the mood (Sonic and Tails walk away as Rouge tries to comfort Shadow) You wanna talk about it, Shadow?

Shadow: (angry) What's there to talk about?! I'm hungry, I'm moody, and they stopped selling emo stuff at Hot Topic!

Rouge: You've got any money, we can go get some food at Meh Burger

Shadow: (gasps as he spots a banana on the ground) Look, a banana! (gets off the swing to unpeel and eat the banana and heads back to his swing only to find Donkey Kong sitting there, He turns around and screams as Donkey Kong howls and chases after him)

Chapter Text

(It was a beautiful Thursday morning and the UPS man is delivering a package as usual)

UPS Man: (singing) I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign (stops singing and rings the doorbell and out pops Ash Ketchum dancing to the Pokémon theme)

(Insert Music: Pokémon Theme)

(Insert music ends)

UPS Man: (speaking) Excuse me, may I ask you what the hell are you doing?

Ash: It's the Pokémon Theme Song. I always do it when I meet someone new...on Thursdays

UPS Man: But...I'm the UPS man

Ash: And I'm Ash Ketchum, what's your point?

UPS Man: You know what, never mind. Here's your package. (gives the package to Ash) UPS second class. By the user "SuperBanjo" off Amazon.com

Ash: Awesome! I hope it's my new Pikachu (opens the package to reveal a Pokéball. He opens the ball, but there's nothing inside) Huh, what? Oh, no! Curse you SuperBanjo and your tricks. (grabs UPS by the collar) This is YOUR fault, UPS! I am not happy with the product I received! I'm calling your manager, I'm calling your boss, I'm calling your MOTHER!!

UPS Man: No, you wouldn't!

Ash: I WOULD!

UPS Man: UPS is not responsible for any use-made arrangement, especially from someone named "SuperBanjo" off Amazon.com, we had nothing to do with it. I'm sorry, sir, but your package is as it is, goodbye (walks away)

Ash: Son of a Bulbasaur! (slams his door)

(Cut to Sonic and Tails sitting on a trampoline)

Tails: Hey, Sonic, have you played Super Smash Bros Ultimate yet?

Sonic: Yes, and they did it all wrong, I am much better looking than that in real life

Tails: But Sonic, you look exactly the same (shows an image of Sonic in Smash Bros Ultimate compared to the real Sonic)

Sonic: You know, Tails, I don't know why you praise that game so much, they made your Mii costume look ridiculous. And besides, everybody on Nintendo Switch Online sucks eggs. No one has been able to beat me yet

Tails: What about that time I beat you wh-

Sonic: That doesn't count! I wasn't ready. My shoes were on backwards and you had too many chili dogs for lunch

Tails: Well, I think Super Smash Bros Ultimate is a great game. In fact, I give it 5 out of 5 gold rings

Sonic: And I wouldn't give it a free lunch at Taco Bell (slumps)

Tails: IS something wrong, Sonic? It looks like something crawled up your butt and died (Sonic gives a disgusted look at Tails and look back towards the distance)

Sonic: Something is out of balance, Tails

Tails: Did you remember to watch your diet?

Sonic: (slaps Tails on the back of the head) Not THAT balance, stupid. Something is out of balance on South Island

(Cut to the UPS Man)

UPS Man: (standing in front of a huge box) Ah, yes, one more package to deliver today. This big S.O.B. right here. Hmm... "To Sonic from South Island" Well, I don't know what South Island is, but I guess I'll deliver it (Cut to a man wearing the same glasses as UPS, but he's wearing a navy blue industrial shirt and navy blue industrial shorts, He is getting a call from none other than Dr. Eggman)

Eggman: "FedEx, it's Dr. Eggman, you must stop UPS from delivering that package, it must not get to Sonic and Tails, and bring it back to me"

FedEx Man: Yes, Doctor, I will acquire it immediately

UPS Man: (singing) I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign, delivering this package to Sonic The Hedgehog, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-doo (He stops singing when he comes face to face with an old foe of his, the FedEx man)

FedEx Man: Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. UPS

UPS Man: Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. FedEx

FedEx Man: It's been a long time

UPS Man: Indeed is has, what are you doing here?

FedEx man: I cannot let you deliver that box

UPS Man: What, are you crazy? This is UPS First Class, I have to deliver this package now!

FedEx Man: I think not, my old friend, you will hand me that box now

UPS Man: And why should I give it to you?

FedEx Man: Because I want to humiliate you. FedEx has ALWAYS been in the shadow of UPS. If you can't deliver something, then you lose credibility, when you lose credibility, you lose customers, and when you LOSE customers, I GAIN customers, and the world of package delivery will be mine! Oh, and someone's paying me a lot of money

UPS Man: You've gone crazy, FedEx!

FedEx Man: (laughing evilly) When you are rich, you are not crazy, you're eccentric

UPS Man: You'll have to pry this package from my cold, dead hands!

FedEx Man: Not a problem (UPS grabs the package but FedEx elbows him in the face and runs off with it. UPS chases after him. When he catches up to FedEx, he pushes him to the ground and he grabs the package and runs off causing FedEx to chase after him. Soon they both get tired and UPS puts the package down) All of this running is futile, UPS, let's end this! (They both get into fighting poses as soon as they draw their first punches, it turns into a silly slapfight. They then slap each other in the face)

UPS Man: Ow

FedEx Man: Ow

UPS Man: Ow

FedEx Man: Ow

UPS Man: Ow

FedEx Man: Ow

UPS Man: Ow

FedEx Man: Ow

(They then start shoving into each other)

UPS Man: Come on, FedEx

FedEx Man: Come on, UPS

(UPS then kicks FedEx in the balls)

UPS Man: You are beaten, FedEx

FedEx Man: You haven't seen the last of me, UPS!

UPS Man: Oh, I think I have. The next time you want to mess with UPS, ask yourself this question: "What can Brown do for you?" (UPS grabs the package and walks away)

(FedEx then gets a call from Eggman)

Eggman: "FedEx, you IDIOT! You failed in getting that package from UPS! All of my glorious plans are falling apart! If I were you, I'd watch my back. You might not even wake up in the morning, HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHO!!" (FedEx gasps)

(Cut to Sonic and Tails playing rock, paper, scissors)

Sonic: Ha! Scissors beats paper, Tails, I win again

Tails: Sonic, you beat me in everything. You win at Smash, you win at Rock, Paper, Scissors, you win at life

Sonic: That's because Sonic's the name and speed's my game! Hey, look, it's the UPS Man

Tails: Don't worry, Sonic, I'll get it (Tails gets off the trampoline and gets the package from UPS)

UPS Man: (heavy sigh) Now, I can finally go home and play my copy of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

Sonic: Okay, but don't forget to play as Sonic!

Tails: Nd by Sonic, he means don't forget to play as the Mii dressed up as Tails!

UPS Man: I always play as Snake, see ya! (walks away)

Sonic: Snake?

Tails: He's solid! (gasps) Look, Sonic, it reads :"To Sonic from South Island"

Sonic: Well, we shouldn't open it, Tails, what if it's a trap?

Tails: It could be a trap, but then again, it could be something really important

Narrator: Should Sonic and Tails open the box?

Sonic: Oh, no, I thought I got rid of you, narrator

Narrator: Nope, I'm here to stay

Sonic: Stupid son of a witch, get out of my head!

Tails: Sonic, Sonic, we need to find out what's inside the package!

Narrator: What IS in the package? Is it a giant gumball? A Put-it-together-yourself exercise bike? or-

Sonic: Leave now and never come back!

Narrator: Fineoutnexttimeinthenextexcitingchapterofthestupidsonicheroes

Chapter Text

(Sonic and Tails are still staring at the box they got from UPS, still thinking it some kind of trap, when suddenly the box pops open revealing a anthropomorphic pink hedgehog with bright green eyes, peach skin covering her muzzle, inner ears and arms, a small black nose, triangular ears on top of her head, and no back spines, short head quills pointing downwards resembling a bob cut, three spikes for bangs, and a short pointy tail, wearing a red, sleeveless and backless dress with two white trims and a white petticoat underneath, tall red boots with a white stripe down the center, white cuffs, and gray soles with chunky heels, a red hairband, and white wrist-length gloves with gold bracelets for cuffs. This was Sonic's so-called "girlfriend" Amy Rose who somehow managed to escape from Eggman's clutches and is INCREDIBLY angry with Sonic)

Tails: I could've sworn it was gonna be Solid Snake

Amy: (grabbing Sonic) Why you lazy, inconsiderate, excuse for a hedgehog! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO SAVE ME?!

Sonic: (nervously) B-b-be-because I-

Amy: No excuses! I had to listen to Eggman rant and rave every night about how you two weren't on South Island RUNNING THROUGH HIS ZONES!!!

Sonic: Well, excuse me for trying to have a little fun for once. I've been saving that island and the entire planet of Mobius for over 30 years. If I had come to save you, you would've just gotten kidnapped again the next day

Tails: Yeah, what Sonic said, the next day

Amy: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS TAILS!!! (Tails cowers in fear of Amy) You had no idea of the hell I went through to get here! I had to ship myself UPS First Class just to get tossed around in a box all day, while YOU thought it was a good idea to take a vacation!

Sonic: Well, there's no use complaining about it now, seeing as how you managed to escape on your own. In fact, now that you're here in the real world, I may never have to save anyone again. (Sonic and Tails go behind Amy and pose) We can all just live here!

Amy: (turns around) But Sonic, the island

Sonic: But it was EggmanLand 95 percent of the time anyway

Tails: Uh.... (Amy turns to Tails) Never mind

(Sonic and Tails huddle)

Sonic: Tails, now that Amy Rose has come to the real world, there's no reason for us to return, and Eggman must know this He's probably told Shadow and Rouge to use any means necessary to get us back to Mobius. So, we must prepare for the final battle. Let's go

Tails: Gotcha, Sonic (Sonic and Tails walk away)

Amy: HEY! Where are you going?! Don't leave me here!

(Insert Music: The Final Countdown by Europe)

(Sonic and Tails do a variety of exercises: Push-ups, pull-ups, jumping jacks, running on treadmills, punching a dummy sandbag, lifting weights, eating nutritious foods, pushing themselves to the peak of physical condition. They both stand proudly at what they've accomplished and now know they're ready.)

(Music Ends)

(They head off to a field where Shadow and Rouge are waiting. The four of them stare intensely at each other and get into fighting poses)

Chapter Text

PREVIOUSLY ON STUPID SONIC HEROES

Eggman: "Guess what, Sonic Heroes, I've managed to collect all 7 Chaos Emeralds"

Shadow: You're coming back to South Island with me right now

Sonic: The point is, we are staying here

Eggman: "Why haven't you captured that blasted hedgehog and the fox yet. I am sending anther one to aid you

Shadow: Allow me to introduce my new partner: Rouge The Bat

Rouge: I'm going to enjoy making you wish you never left South Island

(After beating Shadow and Rouge)

Sonic: Like we said before, we are staying here

Shadow: You may have beaten us before, but we'll be back and ready

Ash: My name is Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. I come from the Kanto region, I was trying to catch you

Donkey Kong: You two stole my bananas, prepare to feel my Dk wrath!

(Sonic and Shadow are racing)

Sonic: Something is out of balance on South Island

UPS man: One more package to deliver today

Eggman: (talking to the FedEx man) "You must not let UPS deliver that package"

FedEx man: I cannot let you deliver that box

UPS man: And why should I give it to you? (After beating FedEx) You are beaten, FedEx

FedEx man: You haven't seen the last of me, UPS

Sonic: (looking at the box) What if it's a trap?

Tails: It could be a trap, but then again, it could be something really important

(Amy Rose pops out of the box)

Amy: WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO SAVE ME?!

Sonic: Well, excuse me for trying to have a little fun for once (huddling up with Tails) Now that Amy Rose has come to the real world, there's no reason for us to return, and Eggman must know this. He's probably told Shadow and Rouge to use any means necessary to get us back to Mobius

(They head out to the field to face Shadow and Rouge. The four of them are in an intense staredown)

AND NOW, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION

(The four of them go at each other. Sonic and Shadow run into each other and clash. Tails takes to the skies and drops dummy ring bombs at Rouge who swiftly avoids them. Sonic and Shadow are running around the field)

Sonic: Think you can keep up with me, faker?

Shadow: Why do you insist on calling me that?

Sonic: Because that's what you are, Shadow

Shadow: Call me faker one more time, I dare you!

Sonic: Okay...faker

Shadow: That's it (kicks Sonic in the gut)

Tails: Sonic! (runs after him)

Shadow: Chaos Spear! (Tails prevents Shadow from throwing a Chaos Spear at Sonic by running straight into the path)

Sonic: Ugh... (gasps) Tails! (goes over to Tails' unconscious body) Tails, no! Come on, buddy, wake up! WAKE UP!!! (Sonic gets to his feet and glares at Shadow)

Shadow: Looks like it's two vs. one, Sonic, you better just give up and come with us

Rouge: Yeah, what Shadow said, come with us

FedEx man: Make that THREE vs. one

Rouge: What are you doing here?

FedEx: Eggman said that if I help you defeat Sonic, he wouldn't kill me

Shadow: Well, Sonic, looks like your luck's run out (laughs evilly)

Ash Ketchum: Not so fast!

Shadow: Oh, great, it's YOU!

Ash: I may be a bit obsessive about catching Pokémon, but I'm willing to help out my friends

Shadow: You may have Pokédork here to help you, but it's still three vs. two (Donkey Kong shows up) Oh, crap

Sonic: Looks like you spoke too soon, Shadow, because now, it's on like Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong: OK!

Ash: I'm gonna whip you like a Venusaur, I'm gonna ice you like an Articuno, I'm gonna...hit you with this ball so hard, it'll hurt probably

Rouge: Ha! Even with that pathetic team of yours, you still won't win

Sonic: Oh, yeah, bring it on! (Team Sonic rushes at Team Shadow. FedEx shoves DK, but DK shoes FedEx back, pushing him to the ground, Sonic and Shadow lock fists, Ash throws a Pokéball at Rouge, but it bounces off her and she pushes Ash to the ground

Ash: Ah, Pikachu

(Donkey Kong punches Rouge, who gets punched by FedEx, who, in turn, gets punched by the UPS man)

UPS man: Not today, FedEx, you just can't learn, hahahaha, (looks at his watch) Oh, crap, I've got packages to deliver (walks away)

Shadow: Well, looks like it's down to you and me

Sonic: Shadow, why do you continue to let Eggman push you around like a puppet? What do you hope to gain from this?

Shadow: You have everything, Sonic. Your friends, your lovers, and your fame, I have nothing! No one cares about me except Eggman. When I'm with him, he sees potential. Once, I kill you, I'll share his power over all of Mobius

Sonic: That egghead does not share power. He's using you, Shadow. You're a stooge. Get out of this pointless fantasy, come back to reality

Shadow: Lies, Sonic! His power will be mine, and when I overthrow him, all of Mobius will be mine!

Sonic: Very well, Shadow, it seems there's only one way to settle this

Shadow: I was thinking the exact same thing (They both whip out lightsabers. Sonic has a red saber and Shadow has a blue saber. They begin to duel. They clash for a bit, Shadow goes for Sonic's head, but he ducks, Sonic goes for Shadow's legs, but he jumps, then they clash sabers again until Sonic knocks Shadow's saber from his hand. Shadow uses some form of magic to bring the saber back to his hand. The two hedgehogs circle around each other before clashing sabers again. Shadow manages to knock Sonic's saber from his hand and he starts crawling away from Shadow who goes in for the kill. Sonic tries to curl into a ball ,but Shadow steps on his back) You've spun your last Spin Dash, Sonic. You see, Sonic, speed is MY game (Suddenly, Shadow gets knocked out by an unseen force. Sonic looks up to see Amy Rose, brandishing her Piko Piko Hammer)

Sonic: Well, THIS is different

Amy: See, Sonic, I save you even though you didn't save ME!

Sonic: Hey, I save you billions of time

Tails: Oh...I'm gonna feel that in the morning. Oh, hey, Sonic, did we win the fight?

Sonic: Um...hehehehe

UPS man: Oh, wait, sorry, I forgot to give you guys this, it's addressed to Sonic from Angel (Amy grabs the letter) Is...land

Tails: (swipes the letter from Amy) I'll take that. Sonic, look, it's from Knuckles (Sonic opens the letter and reads it)

Knuckles: "Sonic, Tails, the real world is in great danger. I would come there myself, but for reasons I cannot explain, I have been detained. I want to tell you more, but out of fear that this letter could end up in the wrong hands, all I can say is this: In the Darkness, lies the Truth"

End of Volume One