Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Naturally, the first thing Mo Ran did upon moving into his new university-sponsored flat (he still can’t believe he got that scholarship) was calling up Rong Jiu and pay him for a not-so-quick fuck that probably disturbed his new neighbors.

Naturally, the second thing he did, was kick him back out because Mo Ran doesn’t actually like him, and finish unpacking his belongings into a flat way too large for a single person.

Naturally, the third thing he did was pull up the university’s website, google up the professor of his introductory classes, and jerk off to him fervently, multiple times in a row, until he nearly blacked out.

Maybe that wasn’t Mo Ran’s most lucid moment.

And maybe he’s just a teeny tiny bit more fucked than he previously thought. Not literally, because Mo Ran is the one to do the fucking, usually, but oh, what he would give to fuck that professor of his – and dear lord is that bad.

Mo Ran didn’t come here to fuck his professor. Okay, alright, perhaps he did, he’s-

Unsure.

If Mo Ran has ever been unsure about anything in his entire life, it’s this person. Just how long ago did he meet him at this point? How old was he? Five years, right? Give or take, given that Mo Ran doesn’t know his actual birthday, too young to remember it when his mother died. Memories of her are blurry these days. He misses her.

Either way- back at the orphanage, he was alone. Too hurt after his mother’s death, always trying to protect himself, no amount of therapy back then helping him. He doesn’t blame the other kids for being scared of him after a while, with him acting out so much. He doesn’t blame the nurses either, of course; they tried their hardest. Got him the best therapists they could have, but little Mo Ran, oh, he didn’t take any of that therapy talk in.

He didn’t want to get better.

Mo Ran was just about ready to wither away. Without his mom, what was the point? He could’ve just died, and yet-

Yet, he prevailed and survived and suddenly he was five years old already. Every kid hated him because he was violent, every nurse talked behind his back, saying that he wouldn’t make it, that they’ve tried it all. Even their cook hated him, because sometimes he’d steal food, hoard it away, because that’s the rule of the street – and how do you teach a three-year old who spent his first few years living on the streets with his mother that there’s more than enough food to keep him alive?

A child won’t understand that they’re suddenly safe, and frankly, Mo Ran still doesn’t feel safe sometimes.

Especially as a child though, he didn’t understand that there were good things in the world at all. Not until that day, when suddenly, there was a teenager dressed in wide, beige pants and a white hoodie way too large for him. He was standing in the kitchen as if he’s always been working there and didn’t suddenly appear overnight, bathed in the light of the morning sun, making wonton.

In that moment, something for Mo Ran changed. He stood in the door, the first to be awake, ready to scavenge for food in the fridge another time, but the youth in front of him had captured him more than anything else. Every thought of food had left his mind, all at once.

He looked ethereal. His hair, his clothes, his hands making those plump, soft-looking wonton, and Mo Ran knew from the get-go that he needed them.

When he approached and their eyes met – his whole world shifted, okay?

And from then on out, it was just him and that seventeen year-old boy whose voice jumped every few sentences and who sometimes looked into the distance in the same way as the child clinging to his hand.

Over the span of a year, the boy taught Mo Ran a lot. How to make wontons even though he wasn’t even at school yet. How to write his name, and how to write another few, easy characters. Carrying him around and playing with him when no one else would. Sometimes, Mo Ran heard the nurses talk badly about him, but usually, they were positive, glad that someone was helping out without even taking payment.

Mo Ran knew why he was there.

He saw the hungry gaze during the first few weeks in his eyes when he saw their usual cook make breakfast and lunch and dinner. Mo Ran knew that yes – the boy was there out of goodwill first and foremost, but food didn’t not play a role.

And after that year, he was gone.

Mo Ran got told that he was going to leave, at least by himself. His voice was all quiet, and not exactly sad, but still regretful.

There was a promise made.

He promised Mo Ran that he’d come visit whenever he could, and that he’d always remember him and then?

Well, that’s the part Mo Ran has obsessed over for the past fifteen years. He never came back.

He never saw him again, but at the same time, he saw him in his mind every single day. Always that small smile on his face as he patted his hair and then blew one of the cooked wonton for him so that Mo Ran could take it into his small, chubby hands and bite away at it. Those eyes looking at him with nothing but kindness, the first person to not stare at him in contempt apart from his mother.

Mo Ran thought of nothing but him when he got adopted, when he first met the guy who was supposedly his cousin (spoiled little peacock brat – ugh, Mo Ran loves the guy) and his uncle and his uncle’s wife. He thought only of that raspy, insecure little voice when he changed schools and then came into middle school and then high school, his life suddenly passing in a blur with Xue Meng around. And other people who looked at him like they actually liked him, now that Mo Ran tried his best to be a nice person in some way after being shown kindness by that person.

Parts of it did admittedly rush by in attempts to forget those fingers touching his and taking his hand; long nights filled with alcohol and drugs and meaningless sex, just like the one he’s had with Rong Jiu just a few hours earlier, usually ending with Ye Wangxi holding his hair back when it was still longer so that he wouldn’t get his own vomit in it when he was bent over the toilet. Sometimes, Xue Meng got the honour. Nangong Si refused. Mo Ran loves the guy too, he swears, but he should’ve just puked on his shirt back then, really.

None of it was to any avail though, and he’d never leave his mind, even when Mo Ran started and finished an apprenticeship in half the time he was meant to because if Mo Ran knew how to handle anything, it was cars. So, when Xue Zhengyong brought up that he could look into universities and that him and his wife are totally ready to finance it, and well, that’s how he got here.

Because Mo Ran took it to heart, apart from the money part, so in his last six months of apprenticeship, he did his best to get the highest grades, and then went to apply to several universities and their respective scholarships.

He got accepted for three, and only then did he look into them more.

It was quick research though, because when Mo Ran typed in the name of this city and ‘Mechanics’, the first thing to pop up was a newspaper article about the youngest professor the university has ever had. Out of pure curiosity, Mo Ran clicked – after all, he would have to know whether a professor this young could provide good quality classes so that Mo Ran can make his adoptive family proud.

Well.

There was a picture attached to that article. Not that Mo Ran needed that picture after seeing the name, but-

It matched.

Chu Wanning looked exactly the same as he did back then. Okay, not exactly the same, of course. He’d grown up, and visibly had top surgery, considering the picture featured him wearing a well-fitted white button-up, and back then, Mo Ran distinctly remembers thinking ‘huh, this doesn’t feel like the chests of other guys’, although it took him a while to understand. Not that he cared. Hell, Mo Ran couldn’t possibly care less about whether Chu Wanning is trans or not, but there’s no binder below that white button up, and the slightest shimmer of skin right below.

But his hair was exactly the same, and so was the shape of his face and the look in his eyes and the stern expression topped off by his thin lips, and Mo Ran-

He’d never been that hard in his entire life, and he accepted the university application in a single second.

Apparently, Chu Wanning is thirty-two now. Thirty-two. He started working at this university already several years ago, the news article having been old, but the maths was done quick.

So, after accepting the application and scholarship offer and making a mental note to prepare for any kind of conversations he’d have to have about it, Mo Ran, ahem, well, he beat his meat, and then stared at the ceiling with a whole turmoil of feelings inside of him.

Does Chu Wanning remember him? Is he still as kind? Did he not come because life got in between, or did he make the conscious decision not to come see him? Would he let Mo Ran dick him down until he’s all out of breath and his chest is splotched with red? Would he let him kiss him until his lips are as plump as the wontons he’s made?

Ever since finding out that Chu Wanning could be his teacher, it’s been two months; the scholarship and everything was a last chance kind of thing with them miraculously still having a spot. He got a flat, and he moved into this flat, then had sex with Rong Jiu, then pulled up this specific picture of Chu Wanning instead, and got off.

And now, he’s lying on his new bed, staring into space, and wondering just what exactly led him to make the decision to become Chu Wanning’s student when this is the man he’s been obsessing over horribly, the only person he really and truly wants to see. When this is the guy he’s been jerking it to at least twice a day for the past two months.

When this is the man who never came back when little Mo Ran was always waiting for him, sitting at the window every free minute of his day hoping to see the familiar fluffy white hoodie appear behind the bushes of the orphanage’s gateways.

No one ever came.

He’s still trying to catch his breath from his last session when suddenly, he hears very distinctive sex noises from the apartment over.

Well, it’s nice to know that his neighbours are also going at it like animals because he’d already felt bad about having made his introduction fucking Rong Jiu into his new mattress until he was screaming and crying, Like this, however, he supposes everything is fine. He disturbs the neighbours, and the neighbours disturb him, fine.

Nevertheless, he swiftly reaches for his phone that he dropped somewhere during his last orgasm, just for the picture of Chu Wanning being plastered on it still.

This is either the face of the man who’s never forgotten him, or never remembered him.

And Mo Ran doesn’t know which, but when classes start in three days, he will at least see him. He can decide then whether he’s going to dedicate his life to supporting him or destroying him.

For now, all Mo Ran can do is hope that Chu Wanning remembers.

Kissing him and fucking him be damned – if he remembers him, that’d be more than enough for Mo Ran to make his entire life worth it.

Chapter Text

Mo Ran’s heart hasn’t beaten this fast ever since he stole a large sum of money from that stupid kid in his middle school class who kept insulting Xue Meng for literally no reason, so Mo Ran decided to sneak back into the classroom during break and steal all the money from his wallet.

Which was a lot.

What sane parent would ever give so much money to their kid? And send them to school with it on top of that?

Once he had gotten ahold of it, Mo Ran bought himself and his little cousin ice cream, then hid the rest in the depths of his sock drawer.

Once he turned eighteen, he pulled up at Rong Jiu’s with it multiple times and had a lot of sex for a lot of nights in a row. Rong Jiu is a good fuck, to be fair. Just…
A despicable person. No that Mo Ran himself is much better, so maybe that’s hypocritical. In fact, he’s genuinely pissed at his deskmate right now, who seems so calm compared to him, as if they aren’t about to meet Chu Wanning.

Not that his deskmate would already know him, of course. There’s no way this random guy was also an orphanage kid Chu Wanning took care of or something.

“What’s your name?” the guy suddenly asks, a small smile on his face. To be fair, he does look very pretty. All soft, long hair, and Mo Ran gets distinct trans guy vibes from him. He can’t tell why exactly, but Mo Ran has enough trans acquaintances to just know. Not a gaydar, but a transdar.

“Mo Ran,” he says, “yours?”

“I’m Shi Mei. It’s nice to meet you! Is this your first seminar?”

It’s nine on a Monday morning. Of course this is his first damned seminar, what a question.

“Yes. Is it not yours?”

“Ah- I studied pharmacology for a semester. So I get being a little nervous. I changed to a doble major of mechanical engineering and biology now though.”

Oh. Alright. So this guy is an academic weapon – funnily enough, Mo Ran isn’t. He excels at mechanics, hence finishing his apprenticeship early and everything, but all the other subjects he totally sucked at. Only for his last year did he put in the effort to get good grades. That paired with his apprenticeship grades got him the scholarship, but that’s about it.

“Hmm. Not really nervous about that,” he shrugs, “it’s whatever. Was pharmacology too hard?”

“A little,” Shi Mei admits, “I was interested, but not enough.”

Something about that smile on his face is a little off-putting. Mo Ran can’t quite pin it down, but he will keep a look out. Maybe this Shi Mei guy is one of those students his uncle warned him about, who single out good students and then use them to help them with their own work so that they can go party instead.

(Little does Xue Zhengyong know that Mo Ran is probably going to be this kind of student.)

“I see,” Mo Ran says, and while the conversation is sort of distracting, it’s also getting on his nerves. Goddamnit, he doesn’t give a single damn about Shi Mei. All he gives a damn about is Chu Wanning, and it’s just five minutes till class starts. Just where is he?

A voice in Mo Ran’s head tells him that he’s seen his name on the list and decided not to teach this class or something, that he realized who he is by name alone and hated the pure thought of seeing him. And, even though he knows that’s completely irrational (he’s been in therapy, okay? A lot of it), it still manages to make him angry at Chu Wanning.

It’s then that the door flies open.

And there he is.

And wow, all the pictures Mo Ran found of him at three in the morning last night did not do him justice.

Chu Wanning is ethereal. If Mo Ran was in any way religious, he’d think that the man in the door was an actual God. But no, he’s human, and thirty-two years old, yet looking the age of a student. The only thing that makes him seem older is the way he holds himself. His head is held high, his long hair bound together in a strict ponytail, much neater than when he was seventeen. There’s a sharp glint in his eyes that is equally cold and warm, his nose as angled and straight as Mo Ran remembers. His jawline is still defined, although he’s definitely put on some weight ever since Mo Ran has last seen him fifteen years ago. He’s wearing a white button up of some flowy material, and matching grey dress pants and a suit jacket, paired with a black leather belt and black leather shoes. Everything about him radiates an aura of strictness, diligence, and knowledge. He appears completely calm as his gaze sweeps over the students, appearing to count them, and then giving a quick nod, clearly having the correct number.

And oh, by everything Mo Ran can swear on – he wants this man destroyed. He wants to see his hair all splayed out on the mattress, those pale cheeks dusted pink, forehead sweaty. Mo Ran wants to hold his hands that quickly stroke down his button-up before walking over to the desk right in front of Mo Ran and Shi Mei. He wants to take those hands and push them right into the mattress alongside his hair, feel them tremble below his. Kiss him until his thin lips are all red. He wants to tear these stupid shoes and pants and that stupid jacket and button-up right off him and honestly just stare at him for a good hour before even doing anything to him. After that, Mo Ran can still mark him up all prettily.

Then stare at him again.

Repeat a few times until Chu Wanning has successfully forgotten his own name and only knows Mo Ran’s.

His dick twitches in his pants, so he crosses his legs, and gives a cautious glance over at Shi Mei in the hope that he doesn’t realize he’s getting hard about his professor. Shi Mei looks much more relaxed than Mo Ran; he does also have his legs crossed, but Mo Ran doubts it’s the same reason as him, and he just kind of puts his face into his hands, looking up at Chu Wanning in a probably much more normal way.

Chu Wanning’s gaze flies over all of them. It stops at him and Shi Mei, funnily enough, and he gives another nod. No way. Did he recognize him? Considering that his reaction appears completely neutral, Mo Ran would assume not, though.

It’s okay.

He’s sure he would be able to tell.

“Alright,” Chu Wanning starts, and oh, if only Mo Ran got to hear his voice in any other situation, really-

He’s ought to get a grip. He won’t survive the introductory seminar, the introductory lecture, and the other seminar he chose which are all taught by Chu Wanning if he gets horny at the pure sound of his voice. God.

“My name is Chu Wanning, and I’m your teacher for this class, as you probably know. As you can see, we’re a small group, since it’s the summer semester, so it’s less people starting now. I suppose some of you have switched majors after your first semester.”

Mo Ran doesn’t see people nod because he’s sitting first row, but he already knows it’s the case for Shi Mei, so he’s probably not the only one.

“Usually, it’s beneficial to you that the class is small, because that way we can concentrate better on the areas you might need help with, and checking your assignments will take less time. Although, don’t worry, I’m effective about feedback.”

He acts so much like a teacher, and that-

That thought is so weird to Mo Ran. He’s not that lanky teenager from back then anymore. There’s this refined air about him, none of that insecurity left, at least at first glance. There’s no oversized sweaters, no worn-out shoes, no obviously too tight bandages below whatever he was wearing.

And he can’t take his eyes off him. Chu Wanning hasn’t visited him in all those years, and he’s probably forgotten all about him, and yet- how could he hate him? Mo Ran wants to hate him just so he can blame someone who isn’t himself, but just seeing him again, in the flesh, someone so different yet undoubtedly the same?

Swallowing, he opens up a new document on his laptop. This still is a class. He will still have to do the work, because he has to keep his scholarship, and he doesn’t want to risk disappointing his new family.

(Because maybe the reason Chu Wanning never came back was Mo Ran disappointing him in some way, just like he’d disappointed all the other kids and nurses and therapists.)

“I’m going to be taking attendance first thing as soon as class starts. If you come in too late and know in advance, write me an e-mail. If you don’t know, I expect you to have a good explanation. Take an earlier bus if needed. If you miss too much, you will have an extra assignment at the end of the course, unless you get a doctor’s note and catch up in due time.”

Chu Wanning leans down to grab his own laptop from his black leather bag, some hair falling into his face that Mo Ran so direly wants to stroke out of it. His heart hasn’t ever calmed down, but this isn’t going to make it any better, either.

“You will get credit points and a grade based on in-class assignments and an exam at the end of the semester,” he continues, “but I will explain more on that later. Today, I will go through attendance, the contents of this class, and what I expect of you, which should take up only half the time. Then, I’m taking you to the library, because you will need to know your way around it. Understood?”

Mo Ran feels himself nod mechanically as the beamer above their heads gives a tired beep, and a few seconds later, Chu Wanning’s laptop screen is being shared on the wall behind him. He turns around once to check whether it’s visible, and then-

And then, he reaches into his bag again, and retrieves a pair of the ugliest glasses Mo Ran has ever seen, that somehow manage to make him look even hotter. All oval and this weird bronze colour, but it still manages to compliment the colour of his narrow eyes, and Mo Ran wonders whether he could fuck him hard enough to break these glasses if Chu Wanning kept them on during sex.

“Alright. I’ll take your attendance first. If I mispronounce any of your names, make sure to tell me.”

He sounds all harsh and cold, but isn’t this very considerate of him? A lot of teachers don’t care about even learning the names of their students, let alone how to pronounce them correctly. Mo Ran’s name is relatively easy, luckily, but he’s had students from countries that the teachers hadn’t even heard about and well, it went about as you expected. A lot of awkward fumbling, no effort made to say the name, and-

Chu Wanning might be doing the bare minimum, but he’s doing it.

So, he starts going through the list, and with every letter getting closer to ‘M’, Mo Ran’s throat gets a tiny bit more parched. That’s partly because he’s absolutely terrified of Chu Wanning possibly recognizing him, and partly because now, he gets to concentrate on his voice so much more. It sounds so much deeper than back then for obvious reasons, namely, Chu Wanning definitely having started to take testosterone. However, at the same time, it’s still a tiny bit high; the perfect kind of high that makes it sound all soft and kind, even when his tone appears to be biting and cold.

“Mo Ran,” finally resounds his name through the classroom, and Mo Ran quickly raises his hand, and says that he’s there. Chu Wanning does furrow his eyebrow a little, as if deep in thought, looks at him just a bit longer than at the others, but maybe that’s just Mo Ran’s imagination. And, even in the case that he remembers, it’s not like he could say now.

A few seconds later, he carries on.

“Shi Mei,” he says, and Shi Mei perks up next to Mo Ran, with a little smile on his face.

“Yes, I’m here.”

“I can see that,” Chu Wanning says, and he gives a quick nod. “It’s good to see you again.”

Oh.

“I feel the same,” Shi Mei answers, “it’s been a while.”

Oh.

“Hm.”

With that, their conversation is over in theory, but most certainly not for Mo Ran. What the fuck do those two mean – seeing him again? It’s been a while? They know each other?

Alright, Mo Ran knows he’s a jealous and possessive person, and all his friends have very much told him when he got too much about both them, and about Chu Wanning, since he did tell Ye Wangxi about him, for example. But this is a whole new kind of jealousy erupting from deep within him, and the pure hatred he immediately feels for this stupid fucking ‘Shi Mei’ guy is a whole other level, too.

Mo Ran tries his best not to stare at him or anything, because that’d be rude, and he can be better than that, at least, but he feels so actively terrified right now.

They know each other.

He’s still stuck up on that when Chu Wanning actually starts the class.

*

“How do you know him?”

Mo Ran knows that his smile probably looks very fake, but that’s okay, because Shi Mei’s smile also looks kind of fake when he looks up at him at the whispered question, considering they’re in the very back of the small group of students that Chu Wanning is currently leading through the library. Shi Mei doesn’t need the instructions, so Mo Ran doesn’t feel bad about distracting him, and he can have Ye Wangxi or Nangong Si explain things to him if needed.

“You mean Professor Chu?”

“Yes. You were acting like you know each other earlier.”

“Ah, it’s kind of an embarrassing story,” Shi Mei whispers back, “you see, my parents died when I was quite young.”

No. This is not the direction Mo Ran was hoping this was going to go into. He was hoping for an ‘oh I helped out at a university festival last semester and we happened to talk for five seconds’, or an “ah I met him in the bookstore the other day and bought the book he wanted and made him hate me’, both of which were not at all in line with the conversation they had in the classroom, but if Mo Ran wants to be delusional, then he’ll be delusional – please and thank you.

“So I lived at an orphanage ever since I was young and I didn’t get adopted, so we met when I was in middle school and he did charity work at the place for a bit. He moved for his PHD later, though.”

So that wasn’t too long ago, and Chu Wanning very clearly remembers him and-

What the fuck? Why the actual hell does he share his whole damned backstory with this random guy who just so happens to be in his Mechanical Engineering Introduction class?

Mo Ran stops dead in the track and just looks Shi Mei up and down once. He’s much shorter than him. Almost frail. Mo Ran did later on see the small trans flag badge on his jacket even before he put it on; now, it’s visible, attached to the collar of the green cord jacket. So yeah, Mo Ran’s transdar was on point, but whatever.

Not the issue at hand.

The issue at hand is that both of them know Chu Wanning for the exact same reason, except that Shi Mei met him a lot later than him, and that Chu Wanning only remembers one of them.

Or, maybe, he does remember Mo Ran, actually, and is just acting like he doesn’t because he doesn’t want to bother.

Given the cold air around him, that might just be the case, and Chu Wanning might actually just hate the thought of that grimy little kid who kept urging him to make him more wonton.

(But could that small smile on his lips every time Mo Ran asked for more of them really have been fake?)

“…I see,” he responds, absolutely not caring about how cold is voice might be sounding right now. It’s hard to get himself to care when Shi Mei also just looks so-

Well, not obnoxious. He doesn’t look obnoxious or anything; it’s just that, in Mo Ran’s eyes, he now is obnoxious simply because he also knew Chu Wanning once.

He really had the worst of luck.

“Alright, class,” Chu Wanning’s voice suddenly resounds from where he’s circled back to the library’s entrance. “We’re going back to the classroom, so you can grab your stuff and leave. I’m assuming I’m going to see you all again tomorrow for the introductory lecture.”

Slowly, everyone nods; while Chu Wanning was introducing the library, some got a bit intimidated by him, and Mo Ran gets it. He looks a little scary and cold, but Mo Ran has seen too much of him to be scared. He’s seen him come out of the toilets with red eyes. He’s seen him be way too early for work one too many times, as if he was waiting to get into a warm house. He’s seen him smile just a little when his voice suddenly started breaking.

He's had him pat his hair before when Mo Ran nearly reached for an uncooked wonton, telling him that he still has to wait.

So how could Mo Ran possibly be scared of him?

…Except he’s scared of the fact that Chu Wanning hates him and doesn’t want to remember him, and these thoughts accompany him all the way to the classroom. Everyone picks their stuff up, and Chu Wanning says his goodbyes once more, except he adds something else.

“Shi Mei, Mo Ran, do you two have roughly ten minutes?”

Mo Ran freezes from where he had just grabbed his laptop in order to close it and stuff it back into his bag. Instead, his hand stops mid-motion and just hovers awkwardly above it.

“Of course,” Shi Mei answers, and Mo Ran only manages a mechanical nod. He feels like there’s a joke to be made between his mechanical nod and what he studies. He doesn’t have that joke in him right now.

“Good. Sit down.”

The other students slowly but surely leave the classroom, and Mo Ran and Shi Mei sit down in their respective seats, Chu Wanning right in front of them.

“I quickly wanted to talk about your scholarships with you.”

Okay. So it’s not about personal life at all. Does Chu Wanning genuinely not remember him? There’s no hint of recognition in his eyes at all. And – well. Mo ran was five. Well, six in the end. He was young as hell. It’s been fifteen years, almost. Not even his name is still the same. Well, his given name is, but just how many ‘Ran’s are out there, really?

He can’t blame him, but maybe he can, and the fact he doesn’t know is driving him wild.

“Yes!” Shi Mei says immediately, and Chu Wanning’s face does soften a little bit, but he appears to not give him any more special treatment for now. If they catch up, they better do it in private, because otherwise, Mo Ran might have to kill a man.

And that would definitely endanger his scholarship.

“I’m not going to treat you in any special way just because you’ve received the scholarship, but I need you to be aware of the fact that you need to get the correct grades in order to keep it. I suppose you are both aware of that.”

Once more, Mo Ran can just nod. With Chu Wanning’s eyes fixated on him, it’s like everything flies straight out of his mind. He swallows, and feels their eyes meet until he jolts.

“Yes, of course,” Shi Mei answers for both of them, a little too eagerly. He clears his throat once. “I’ll be trying my best obviously.”

“You changed from pharmacology, right? What made you change your major?”

“Ah,” Shi Mei starts, “I started it because it seemed like something I’d like at first. My bigger brother studies pharmacology, and it seemed very interesting but… it wasn’t perfect for me. I didn’t get into medicine, either, so I chose biology and mechanical engineering in the hope to still work in the field and maybe provide some kind of new inventions.”

Chu Wanning nods, although he furrows his eyebrows a little bit.

“I hope you’ll still apply yourself even if this isn’t your first choice. You might still be able to study medicine once you’ve finished even just biology. If you put in enough effort, you can do a double major, though. You might take a semester or two longer, but overall that’d still be shorter.”

“I know,” Shi Mei says, and Mo Ran can’t help but think that he’s just yapping. He narrows his eyes a little and gives him a sideglance, hoping that neither Chu Wanning nor Shi Mei will notice. “I have enough savings for a year if I have to. I’ll be saving up the scholarship money, too. My big brother might be able to support me if needed, too. I’ll work very hard.”

Once more, Chu Wanning nods.

“That’s good. You, Mo Ran? Is Mechanical Engineering your first choice? I see you’re already twenty?”

“Ah-“

Suddenly, talking feels weirdly hard. This is Chu Wanning. It’s still so hard to wrap his head around. Chu Wanning, in the flash, right in front of him. He needs to get a grip.

“Yes I- did an apprenticeship first. But my employer, teachers, and my uncle all agreed I should go to university. I’m not sure I really needed the scholarship but, uh- I didn’t want my uncle to have to pay, since my cousin is going to university next year, too. So I applied and got it.”

“Did you finish school early?”

“…I finished the apprenticeship early. I know my way around cars and that stuff.”

His voice sounds all stumbled and meek, and Mo Ran hates it so much. Chu Wanning once more furrowing his eyebrows doesn’t help. Has he said something wrong?

“That will probably help you. Practical knowledge is a good thing. Either way. Both of you will be under more pressure regardless of how good your grades are. I cannot tutor you personally because that would be unfair, but there’s upperclassmen that are willing to tutor first-years, so if either of you feels the need for one, you can contact me and I’ll ask around. Apart from that, if you need self-study resources, I can help find them.”

…Would this man really have ignored him on purpose? Surely, he’s actually forgotten, right? He doesn’t remember Mo Ran. He’s still the same. He acts all cold and everything, his voice all monotonous and harsh, which was the reason some of the kids really didn’t like him – but… he cares.

Chu Wanning cares, and he clearly cares about his students, too. It’s so hard to be mad at him so unfairly, when-

When he could just be mad at Shi Mei instead! What a genius idea.

Mo Ran mentally claps himself on the shoulder, then redirects his attention to the conversation, because Shi Mei has long affirmed that he will gladly accept any help once he needs it, while Mo Ran has-

“Mo Ran.”

He snaps out of it, staring right at Chu Wanning’s throat all openly. Chu Wanning very pointedly rearranges his collar a little as if made uncomfortable by his stare.

“Yes?”

“Do you need any help right off the bat?”

“Uh… probably not,” he says, “I’ll try myself. If not I’ll- let you know.”

“Hmm,” Chu Wanning makes, then reaches for his bag. “I expect you both to study hard to stay in the program, be this your first choice or not. I will still have to grade you fairly, so don’t expect me to treat you any differently just because you have scholarships. You’re excused.”

And with that, he just gives them another nod, and leaves the two of them to awkwardly stand around in the room with exactly no chance to ask him about anything else at all.

Something inside of him is urging him on to chase after him, hearing the footsteps disappear in the hallway, but he’s too stunned. And too scared.

Because as much as Mo Ran keeps trying to hate Chu Wanning for not remembering him, he doesn’t manage, and deep down, he knows that he’s just scared that he has completely forgotten him, that this isn’t about recognizing him but having erased him from his memory, when Mo Ran has been the one clinging to the memory of Chu Wanning just so he could survive.

And how would he survive if Chu Wanning doesn’t remember that child clinging to his legs anymore?

Chapter Text

“I had a feeling you’d come here directly after class. Come in. Anything you need?”

“Alcohol? A joint? Cocaine?”

“I have exactly none of those at home,” Ye Wangxi replies, and steps aside to let Mo Ran into the room. He walks in, although mildly dejected now that he knows that past the doorstep, there’s no mood-altering substances that could take his mind off things for even just half an hour or something.

“Usually you have at least some wine.”

“Not today. We just drank the last of it yesterday,” Ye Wangxi explains, “Nangong Si is gonna buy some on his way home from class. So if you’re still here by then...”

“Hopefully not,” Mo Ran grunts, “need to go shopping myself, I haven’t gotten to do that yet. I’ve been living off instant noodles, and I miss cooking.”

Admittedly, cooking is perhaps his only positive coping mechanism, and he probably should be doing that instead of getting wasted on a Monday night when he has class again tomorrow morning. Given Ye Wangxi’s little concerned glance, he’s probably right. It’s fine. He will just cook and then jerk off to the mental image of Chu Wanning looking at him in person for at least three times, probably.

Ugh, he hates himself.

“I won’t buy anything for Mo Ran to get himself wasted with,” Nangong Si sighs from where he’s putting on shoes at the kitchen table, tying them up next to his packed bag. “Been there done that, ended in poor Xue Meng getting vomited on.”

Yeah, Mo Ran would rather not get reminded of it. Every time him and Xue Meng argue, all Xue Meng has to bring up is when Mo Ran threw up on his expensive button-up, and he automatically wins.

His mom and dad just laugh it off these days, like it’s a funny memory of fourteen-year-old Mo Ran being a little stupid and not knowing his limits when really, it was just good old self-destructive behavior. Well, nowadays, he cooks instead of getting wasted.

Most of the time, at least.

“Stop bringing this up,” Mo Ran says, taking off his own shoes and placing them neatly next to Ye Wangxi’s. “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“I know,” Nangong Si replies, getting up, grabbing his back, walking towards Mo Ran, and then ruffling his hair once. “You love him too much to throw up on him, that much’s obvious.”

Mo Ran doesn’t like it when Nangong Si actively acts older than him, even though he obviously is. It’s still annoying as hell. He’d prefer to be the older one out of the two for the sole sake of having yet another annoying little brother, but apparently, he has to make do with Xue Meng.

“Alright, I’m off, you two. Please deal with his crisis to the best of your ability. Call his dad over if needed,” Nangong Si instructs his girlfriend, who just looks at Mo Ran very tiredly, as if she’s already got enough of whatever he’s about to say now that he’s seen Chu Wanning again; then, he’s out of the door.

Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si are the only ones who know of the whole deal with Chu Wanning, namely because…

Well, because they were the ones to take care of Mo Ran and ask him why he overdid it so much the night he puked all over Xue Meng’s expensive fucking shirt. They also sat on the ambulance with him when Ye Wangxi eventually called it against Mo Ran’s will because he was fading in and out of consciousness.

(Effectively, the hospital didn’t do anything, and they just let him sober up and throw up all over the hospital’s white bedsheets, too.)

And well, Mo Ran spilled the entire backstory, so now that they know anyways, he might as well bother them with it.

He hasn’t even told Xue Zhengyong yet. He hasn’t even managed that much.

“…Sit down,” Ye Wangxi says though, giving him a little smile and gesturing at the table. “Can I offer you something that isn’t a drug? Apple juice? Water? Coke? The drinkable kind, I mean.”

“…I’ll take apple juice,” Mo Ran says, because everyone who knows Mo Ran even just a little knows that he loves apple juice a lot.

Chu Wanning would know that, too, if he remembered him.

“Alright,” she says, grabbing the bottle from the fridge and then pouring Mo Ran a glass. He doesn’t let his guard down around a lot of people; barely even around the people that consider him family. Mo Ran would love to consider them family, too, but he knows that he doesn’t deserve that much.

But with Ye Wangxi, it’s always been okay. He met her when she was right about to start her transition and they hit it off pretty well – mostly because sixteen-year old Ye Wangxi was a bit worried about a thirteen year-old being at the queer club, so she took care of him already back then. However, she then got attacked by some transphobic asshole twice Mo Ran’s size, and Mo Ran very well got that guy the fuck into hospital.
(Not that he needed to. Ye Wangxi can beat up people by herself just fine.)

They met again a day later at the police station to file reports and stuff, and a week after, they met at the doctor’s office because they managed to have an awful stomach flu on the same day, and exchanged their numbers thinking it was fate that they’d met again that day.

“How’d it go with him?”

“…He doesn’t remember me.”

“Because you’re suddenly an adult man. He spent a year taking care of you, of course he still remembers you.”

Mo Ran takes a sip of the apple juice and just lets it run down his throat for a bit. It tastes really good.

“Still. Clearly he remembers… Shi Mei.”

“…Shi Mei,” Ye Wangxi echoes, the name resting on her tongue for a few seconds until she shakes her head, clearly not recognizing it. “Who’s that?”

Mo Ran grits his teeth and drinks his apple juice a little more aggressively still.

“Some- guy. Also on a scholarship. Used to study pharmacology but definitely switched to flirt with Chu Wanning. Apparently he’s also an orphan who happened to be in an orphanage that Chu Wanning worked at later. Don’t make friends with him, he’s trans.”

“…Uh,” Ye Wangxi starts, staring at Mo Ran a bit dumbfoundedly, “I don’t make friends with people just because they’re trans.”

Mo Ran is too tired to discuss that everyone in her friend group is trans apart from him and Nangong Si. And it’s not the topic at hand, anyways.

“Either way, he’s got the same damned villain origin story as me and I’m not liking that at all. And Chu Wanning- he remembers him. He does. But not me.”

“Mo Ran, you don’t even have the same name anymore,” she tries to argue, reaching out across the table to manually peel his fingers off the glass of apple juice since she doesn’t exactly want it destroyed, or wants the apple juice to spill out all over the table given how much Mo Ran is starting to tremble.

Once she’s succeeded, she grabs his hand instead – good that Nangong Si has already left, because Mo Ran feels like the guy might just have freaked out at that. A bit possessive and stuff, but he’s a good guy. He knows as much.

“Probably because he met him way, way later and he still looks the same. Also I doubt he’s got the exact same background as you. And you’re not a villain, that’s your Borderline Personality Disorder talking.”

“Don’t weaponize my diagnoses against me, it’s not my fault I’ve got those.”

Ye Wangxi pats his hand a bit and then grabs his other, too.

“It’s alright, that’s why I’m here to rationalize your thoughts a little. He doesn’t remember you because you were five years old, Mo Ran. That’s all. If you talked to him about it, he’d remember you. He took care of you for an entire year. Of course he’d remember you.”

Mo Ran grabs his phone from his pocket, not really ready to accept his best friend’s attempt at rationalizing his thoughts and feelings quite yet. He knows she’s probably right, but it won’t sink in yet, so he just has to sit his feelings out first.

He taps on his photos and quickly retrieves the one photo he has left over from that time; the picture frame holding it is hidden away in his wardrobe, but he made sure to take a few pictures of it that he’s saved to several online clouds, just to make sure that he doesn’t lose it. Chu Wanning is on the photo, looking all soft in one of his big white sweaters and dark grey jeans, holding Mo Ran in his arm. It’s one of the few photos Mo Ran has of himself where he’s smiling. Chu Wanning isn’t smiling, but he doesn’t look unhappy by any means, either. And yeah, maybe Ye Wangxi is kind of right. Chu Wanning doesn’t appear like someone that could genuinely hate someone, right? Unless he’s changed, but he probably hasn’t.

He cares a lot about his students, no matter how strict he sounds, and Mo Ran just-

He just-

“I need to fuck him so bad it actually hurts. I had a boner all through class.”

Immediately, Ye Wangxi retracts the hand she still had on Mo Ran’s and chokes on her own spit, breaking out into a whole coughing fit.

“Listen,” Mo Ran says, raising both of his hands as if to defend himself, “he’s so hot. Even when he speaks a bit condescendingly, he’s so beautiful, he’s actually ethereal, he looks like a God, you wouldn’t understand.”

“…No. You’re right,” she concedes, “I wouldn’t understand that, because I’m not in love with him. Seriously, Mo Ran – he recognized Shi Mei, right? He talked to him about it briefly, I assume?”

“He- said that he’s glad Shi Mei is there.”

“See? I’m sure they’ll even catch up or something-“

Mo Ran punches the poor, innocent kitchen table for something it’s never done.

“I sure hope they aren’t.”

“Let me finish, Mo Ran,” Ye Wangxi sighs. She brings both her hands to her head and rubs her temples for a while before actually finishing, clearly done with him already. “What I meant to imply is that – well, first of all, those two are also allowed to catch up.”

“No, they’re not. Shi Mei is a false little bitch.”

“Mo Ran- you’ve met him one single time. God, drink some more apple juice, maybe that’ll calm you down.”

As obediently as a dog, Mo Ran does take another few sips. It calms him down just a tiny bit, actually, and he huffs out a small breath.

“Anyways. Shi Mei aside, what I meant by mentioning him is that I’m sure Chu Wanning would love to catch up with you if only you talked to him about this. He’s basically right here in front of you. Just tell him that you have something to ask him after class, on your own. Or send him an e-mail if you don’t want to do it in person.”

“…No,” Mo Ran says, forming his hands into fists again and glaring at his apple juice as if it’s what tore Chu Wanning and him apart. “I can’t possibly do that. I just- I can’t. I can’t.”

“And why?” Ye Wangxi asks, her voice going all soft. Now, seemingly recovered from Mo Ran saying that he wants to dick Chu Wanning the fuck down, she clasps his fists in her hands and smiles at him. “Because you’re too scared that he’s going to reject you because he secretly hates you? Because you’re scared that he sees you as the same weak child from back then, and even finds out that you are?”

She says the last part with a lot of love, and that means a lot to Mo Ran. That someone is willing to like him even if deep down, he’s just a wounded child. If anyone but her was saying this to him, he’d probably beat them black and blue.

“No,” he says, but both of them know that she’s hit the nail right on the head with this one.

*

Right when Mo Ran starts cutting up an eggplant for dinner, the doorbell rings. He’s in a better mood now that he’s talked it over with Ye Wangxi, even if there’s no solution; or well, there is. He’s decided to just keep observing Chu Wanning for now and not… outright hate him from the start. Wow, all of his previous therapists would be so proud of him. So, he even whistles a little as he makes for the door.

If he’s honest, Mo Ran is totally expecting his neighbour. Well, one of them either way; he’s just never really seen the other one.

Only heard them yesterday. Both of them, to be exact. It’s fine; Mo Ran wasn’t exactly quiet with Rong Jiu, either, so it’s whatever. At least they don’t fuck to classical western music like the neighbours from his apprenticeship dorm room.

The neighbour he has talked to is quite chatty, but definitely very nice from what he can tell. One of these days, Mo Ran should make sure to invite them over for some food, considering that cooking is his favourite hobby these days.

(Only after seething quietly, though. Only then is cooking fun.)

However, when he opens the door, he isn’t met with that beaming smile, but another one.

“Ran-er!”

Before Mo Ran can even greet his uncle back, there’s already a large hand coming down on him and reaching for his hair to give it a good ruffle.

“Alright, alright, sorry for not being able to help you much with the move, but now show me your flat! Your auntie’s already berated me for not having visited you yet, but ah, I’ve been giving my new assistant an introduction over the past few days an the regular introductory events, so it’s been busy.”

“It’s fine,” Mo Ran says, and really, he never expects Xue Zhengyong to do anything for him at all. He’s not his dad after all. Not his biological one, at least. He doesn’t have any responsibilities towards him, and Mo Ran treats everything he does do for him as a present. Ye Wangxi scolds him for that a lot. Xue Zhengyong scolds him for it a lot. His aunt scolds him for it a lot. Even Xue Meng scolds him for it sometimes – in a mean way, but Mo Ran knows it’s meant with love. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t rile him up in the moment, though.

“Nah, it isn’t, but I’m glad you understand anyways,” he says, ruffling his hair once more, then letting himself in and closing the door.

“Alright, show me your flat, Ran-er.”

He’s so warm. Mo Ran still isn’t sure he deserves this warmth, but if it’s offered to him, then what’s he meant to do? Reject it, when the other possibility is clinging to it for as long as he’s allowed to instead?

“Well, here’s the kitchen. I was just about to cook. You can stay for dinner if you want to?”

“Ah, I’d love to take you up on the offer, but I’m already meeting up with a friend today, so we’re going out. Any other day though, feel free to invite me over!”

“It’s alright, you can just drop by. I’m planning to cook for two days each, so you might as well just drop by whenever and you’re going to be there at the right time. Where are you and your friend going?”

“That Japanese place down the road. He’s not that good with spicy food, so I figured Japanese would be fine.”

“Have you told me about that friend yet?”

Suddenly, Xue Zhengyong grins a little bit.

“Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned his name. But you’ve met him today.”

If Mo Ran was holding anything, he’d drop it. Well, at least his hands open up automatically.

Met him today. Bad with spicy food.

There’s no way.

“You’re friends with Chu Wanning?”

It comes out a little harsher and angrier than he means to; rationally, Mo Ran knows that Xue Zhengyong isn’t at fault for any of this, but his brain is still trying to convince him that’s the case somehow. He takes in a deep breath. No acting out. He’s not doing himself a favour by doing that, and he’s long grown sick and tired of hurting people. He’s worked on this.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound angry,” he manages to push out from between clenched teeth. He gets his hair ruffled again for that – he really has to comb it.

“No worries, no worries. Angry with him already? Did he already manage to piss you off?”

Oh, pissing him off is an understatement actually; in fact, Chu Wanning left him with only a short information the day before he left, and then he just… left. And never came back, despite promising him to do so.

That’s more than pissing him off.

(It’s been tearing him apart from the inside for the past fifteen years, to be exact.)

“I know he can come off as really harsh and cold,” Xue Zhengyong says, voice a bit quieter now, “but he’s a good guy. I met him because he took one of my German courses, actually, because there was a kid in one of the orphanages he works at over the weekends that only spoke German, so he wanted to be able to converse with them at least a little bit.”

Of course. Because it’s Chu Wanning. Because of course he’d try to learn an entire language for a single child.

Because he hasn’t fucking changed and Mo Ran so desperately just wants to talk to him and make sure he knows that he saved his life and kiss him and pound him into the mattress until he forgets his own name.

“Yeah. He sounds a bit harsh sometimes.”

Mo Ran knows that it’s because he’s autistic. He couldn’t care less. He’s fully aware, and he knows that Xue Zhengyong is trying to imply exactly that right now without saying anything against Chu Wanning’s will, but Mo Ran knows.

Xue Zhengyong just isn’t aware that, before he adopted him, Chu Wanning worked at his orphanage, and he talked a bit to Mo Ran about being autistic and the like. So he knows. He's always known.

“He doesn’t mean to be. He’s quite strict though. So make sure to study a lot, alright? But anyway, yeah, he’s a good guy deep down, and a very good teacher. You’ll learn a lot from him. So make an effort, alright?”

This time, his hair gets spared, and instead, his shoulder gets pat.

“I will,” Mo Ran says, “I swear. I don’t think- he’s a bad person or anything like that.”

Just someone who broke his promise. And even if he didn’t break it voluntarily, he still did break it. That doesn’t change.

He has a right to be upset, no matter what.

“Alright, alright, enough talk about your professor, you’ll get to know him well enough in the next few years all by yourself.”

Oh, Mo Ran quietly thinks to himself, his uncle has no idea just how intimately he’d love to know Chu Wanning because holy fucking shit has he grown up to be beautiful.

So, instead of disclosing the details of just how Mo Ran would like to finger the professor that also happens to be his adoptive father’s friend into literal oblivion, he starts introducing said adoptive father to his new student accommodation.

Chapter Text

It’s been two weeks ever since the start of the semester, and Chu Wanning has never been that stressed in his entire life. Okay, that’s a lie for so many reasons. First of all, he had it much worse as a teenager, and in general, he should be very grateful for having a stable, well-paying job that he enjoys doing. The issue is just that it’s been a lot more stressful than usually.

He’s supervising five separate theses this semester, because he couldn’t bear to not accept any of them when the students were so adamant on having him do it, so he’s out and about just meeting those students every now and again to talk to them. All of them are doing well though, so that’s great.

Then, he’s also been working overtime at the orphanage he’s working at because one of the actual workers that’s there for the money got a sinus infection, and Chu Wanning has accepted to work overtime for no money because he absolutely refuses to accept money for this job.

Alas, he hasn’t slept a lot in the past two weeks, and his only sanctuary has been Xue Zhengyong. Not that Chu Wanning likes spending time with a lot of people, but Xue Zhengyong is weirdly fine. He still returns home a little tired and worn out when he goes out to eat with him, but he at least has a good time with him. The guy does nothing but boast about his two sons these days. Xue Meng is apparently trying to apply to the same university in order to study business so he can take over his mother’s company one day, which Chu Wanning agrees is a great aspiration. And Mo Ran-

Chu Wanning would rather not think about Mo Ran.

For so many reasons.

First of all, he’s a bit of a nuisance simply because of how much Xue Zhengyong talks about him, but it’s all just pure and utter nonsense and nothing that actually teaches Chu Wanning anything about what the boy is meant to be like when he’s not in class.

Not that he’s interested.

But no, it’s mostly just him being proud of his cooking, him being proud of Mo Ran having gotten a scholarship, him being proud of Mo Ran having rescued a squirrel when he was ten years old and well… Chu Wanning isn’t sure whether that’s enough for him. Again, though – not that he’s interested. Because why would he be interested in his twenty-years-old student?

Why would he be interested in his very hot twenty-years-old student saving a little squirrel with those large hands of his?

…And why would Chu Wanning have really weird dreams about that student and said hands?

“Prof!”

Chu Wanning feels himself flinch when he hears that voice, and he turns around to see the culprit of whatever those godforsaken dreams have been about. It’s that beaming smile that usually, he sees as a snarky one when he dreams; teeth glinting almost dangerously before they lower themselves towards his neck and bite, before fingers find places on Chu Wanning’s body that he has only ever touched out of pure necessity back when he started HRT and he would otherwise not have been able to concentrate.

And he certainly has never had these kinds of dreams before.

“What.”

Truly, he doesn’t mean his voice to come out this cold and judgy, but it’s the only way he can hide the embarrassment below that extra layer.

Because he’s thirty-two years old, and he shouldn’t be having those kinds of thoughts about his student who’s twenty. His only consolation is that Mo Ran is at least not freshly eighteen – but still. He’s way too young.

“Huh? Uh, nothing in particular. Just fancy seeing you here.”

“Of course you’re seeing me here. We have class in ten minutes.”

Mo Ran gives him another one of those smiles that send shocks right down Chu Wanning’s spine, before he grabs his energy drink from the vending machine. Chu Wanning has no idea why kids these days drink this stuff. He tried it once, and even though he’s very, very partial to sweet stuff, it just made him kind of sick. He doesn’t see the appeal. Also, if Mo Ran just slept properly, he wouldn’t need an energy drink. He seems like the type of guy who plays video games past midnight.

Chu Wanning would love to ask. The fact that he would love to ask scares the living hell out of him.

“Yeah, yeah, obviously, but you know, makes professors seem more human, buying drinks and stuff.”

He chooses not to comment and just steps towards the vending machine once Mo Ran has taken a safe distance from it to get a single bottle of water that he pays for very swiftly.
Makes him seem more human. Chu Wanning has heard that one often enough. All about how cold he is, how he doesn’t display emotions the way he should, all of it. He’s heard it all. He’s equally bored and sick of it.

(And tries to convince himself that he doesn’t care, but he knows for a fact that he does care. It does hurt, the comment, but he chooses to act like it doesn’t hurt at all.)

“We going to the classroom, then?” Mo Ran asks, apparently waiting for him, and ugh – Chu Wanning can’t do this.

“I am going to the classroom,” he announces, refusing to even look into Mo Ran’s eyes because – what the hell is he meant to do? Admit to himself that the usage of a plural pronoun makes him feel all fuzzy on the inside? That it makes him long for something that reasonably could never be, given the fact that he’s himself, and that this is his literal student?

“Alright. Then I’ll follow you,” Mo Ran says, as if he’s so completely undisturbed by his demeanor. Now, Chu Wanning can’t help it after all. He throws a little glance over his shoulder to take a look at the man.

His short hair is gelled back just a little bit today, his dimples showing with that stupid smile that’s still stuck on his stupidly handsome face. He’s wearing a dark blue button up and a black pullover above it, but both of those clothes articles are still very… tight. Very much putting on display that Mo Ran appears to be working out regularly, given how well-toned his chest looks even below such dark clothing. His jeans are light blue, and he’s rolled them up a few times so that they’re far above his dark blue sneakers.

He looks good.

Upon realizing that Chu Wanning literally just checked out another man, he feels a very awful blush surface onto his face, but since he’s still walking in front of Mo Ran, it doesn’t matter that much, since he can just turn around to make sure Mo Ran doesn’t see.

…He’d still have seen him looking him up and down though.

This is bad. All of this is so bad.

“Hey, prof.”

“What?” Chu Wanning spits, absolutely refusing to turn around this time, given that teasing edge in Mo Ran’s voice.

“You drink only water in the morning? No coffee, nothing?”

Why the hell should he answer him? He’s his student.

Alright, he’s his very hot student that Chu Wanning has had very explicit dreams about; specifically about his fingers because he keeps seeing them type away on his laptop and it’s very distracting during class. It makes Chu Wanning imagine where else these fingers could be and- God.

Those are not things he should be imagining about his student. He’s thirty-two, for hell’s sake. He’s a university professor with a pretty high position by now. He works weekend and night shifts at the local orphanage because Chu Wanning has been doing that ever since he was a teenager, because it’s one of the reasons he left home, so he was going to live up to his words and actually help people.

(He wonders where that little kid from back then is. From the first orphanage he’s ever worked at. He was very attached to him. Chu Wanning still thinks about him a lot. No one has ever appreciated his… mediocre cooking ever since then.)

He has his own flat. He has his own cat, too, and she’s probably missing him direly.

(Much like that small boy from back then, Plum is attached to his hip. Not that Chu Wanning minds, because she’s a cat. She’s very friendly, barely ever scratches him, hasn’t tried to escape not even once, and he does take her on walks since she loves being outside so much. She doesn’t drain him like most people do.)

So, summarized – Chu Wanning is an independent, thirty-two years old man. He has exactly no reason to have a crush on his student.

Even just the thought that he does, in fact, have a crush on his student, is horrible.

But it’s been two weeks, and Chu Wanning doesn’t think that he can reasonably hide it from himself. Even on the first day, he came home, unable to think about anything but Mo Ran, and he felt like he was being very unfair on poor Shi Mei, who had probably been looking forward to seeing him. It’s okay, because he’s caught up a little bit with Shi Mei by now, but admittedly not a lot.

Professors interacting too much with their students doesn’t look very good a lot of the times.

“It’s none of your concern what I drink in the morning,” he eventually answers, because whether he has a crush or not doesn’t matter – it shouldn’t concern Mo Ran whether he drinks coffee or tea or water for breakfast.

…He doesn’t even have breakfast most days.

“Ah,” Mo Ran says with a little laugh in his voice that Chu Wanning could almost delude himself into thinking is a disappointed laugh, “that’s fine, that’s fine, you don’t gotta tell. Was just trying to make conversation.”

Oh, so that’s why he was asking the weird question.

Now it’s Chu Wanning’s turn to actually be disappointed. For a second, he almost let himself believe that Mo Ran is actually interested in him. Of course he’s not, because why would he be?

Chu Wanning needs to stop assuming that people care. He knows that Xue Zhengyong cares, at least, even if… not in a way that is more significant than a loose friend, probably. Maybe he does care more. He’s not exactly going to ask.

However, that stupid disappointment does quickly turn into some weird kind of anger just because-

Because Chu Wanning wants him to care. He wants him to care about this so much. Which is stupid, because he’s only known Mo Ran for two weeks. He’s his student. Twelve years younger than him. And no one is ever going to love him, and it’s stupid that he’d ever dare assume otherwise.

“Green tea,” he spits out between gritted teeth, embarrassment soon flooding him since he’s actually giving an answer to this pointless question, “usually. I don’t like coffee much. I’ve already had green tea at home, so I’m having water now.”

“Ah, I see,” Chu Wanning doesn’t dare turn around even when it sounds like there’s a huge smile on Mo Ran’s face as he says that, “green tea is very good. Admittedly, I prefer black tea, but I overslept a little today, so- Energy drink it is.”

“Go to bed earlier.”

“…Huh?”

Ugh, he’s already overstepping his boundaries, so whatever.

“If you go to bed early enough, you’re not going to oversleep. Young people these days.”

Sadly, they’ve just reached the door to the classroom, so Chu Wanning fishes the keys for it out of his pocket, which means that he has to come to a stop, Mo Ran very close behind him.

It feels like he’s looming over him or something; he’s so much taller than him. Probably a lot stronger, too, given how buff he looks like this. He could so easily trap him beneath him and-

His hand twitches, still in his pocket, and Chu Wanning thinks that he actually just might want to die. These thoughts need to stop. All of these thoughts very much need to stop.

So, he rips out the key with the sole goal to shut his mind up, opening the door as fast as he can.

“I did go to sleep early,” Mo Ran sighs behind him, “but then I wasn’t able to actually fall asleep, so there was nothing I could really do about this. Hence, the energy drink is going to save me today, or else I might just fall asleep during your seminar.”

That one makes Chu Wanning turn around to him again, even though he’s just snapped the door open. It creaks a little as it opens up.

“If you fall asleep during my seminar, you will have to do extra homework.”

Mo Ran’s smile is all teeth and dimples again when he looks down at him, raising the red-and-green can of energy drink and dangling it in front of Chu Wanning’s face for a few seconds.

“And that’s why I’ve got this baby.”

Chu Wanning steps through the door to not deal with the fact that his mind desperately wants to insert a comma into the sentence and make it ‘and that’s why I’ve got this, baby’.
He has never felt that way about anyone. He wouldn’t call it ‘love’, but it’s… yeah. It’s probably a crush. A very bad crush.

Because his smile is straight up killing Chu Wanning right now.

“Just make sure not to fall asleep,” he grumbles, then drops his bag at his desk and starts booting up both his laptop and his beamer.

Mo Ran settles down in his usual space right in front of him, also taking out his laptop and turning it on apparently. He also grabs a notebook and a pen, since his laptop seems to be an older one that you can’t draw on with your hand.

He is a diligent student, from what Chu Wanning can tell, to be fair. Always paying attention, and even when he seemingly doesn’t pay attention, looking kind of distracted sometimes, his notes and homework from the first two weeks were very much perfect. Well, there were some small mistakes, but it’s mistakes that Chu Wanning is used to, and that students get over latest after their second semester because they’ll constantly be faced with them, so he’s not too concerned.

Like this, he at least gets to look at him a little bit, with Mo Ran doing something on his laptop, and other students slowly walking in.

Something about him looks a bit familiar, actually, which is probably the fact that he’s lived with Xue Zhengyong and his family for ages by now. Chu Wanning does know that he’s adopted, but he must’ve also adopted some of their mannerism after a while.

“Good morning,” another voice suddenly says, as Shi Mei drops down next to Mo Ran, a coffee in his hand as opposed to Mo Ran’s energy drink. He does also look a bit tired, but still smiles when Chu Wanning nods at him.

No, seeing Shi Mei is weirdly grounding to Chu Wanning, because first of all, he’s known him for several years now, and secondly, he doesn’t make him unreasonably…

(Horny. Chu Wanning does not dare think of himself as ‘horny’.)

“Good morning, Shi Mei,” he says, and watches as Shi Mei scrambles to grab his laptop, since he only has a minute left until class starts.

All students come in on time, except for one, but Chu Wanning received an e-mail in the morning about the student being sick, so he’s excused, as long as he can provide a doctor’s letter for him during the next class.

“Alright, I’ll be taking attendance, then,” he says grabbing one of the printed sheets this time because he likes to do both, and he forgot to open up the digital one before class, so for time’s sake, he’ll stick to the printed attendance sheet this time.

His eyes fly over the first name, and he raises his hand, only to realize that he does, in fact, not have a pen.

For a few seconds, he just stares at the sheet. He could pull it up on laptop, but that would arguably take more time than just asking the first row for a pen. Gritting his teeth, Chu Wanning forces himself to ask for the sake of this class.

“Can anyone lend me a pen? I seem to have forgotten mine.”

“Sure,” Mo Ran and Shi Mei say in utter unison, but it’s Mo Ran who first stretches out his arm towards Chu Wanning, so he takes it automatically, even when Shi Mei tries to do the same a second later.

His and Mo Ran’s fingers brush, and it feels uncomfortably hot to Chu Wanning. He swallows quickly in the hope that it’ll help (it doesn’t), then looks at the actual pen. It’s regular white, but there’s a little dogface attached to the top; it’s a dalmatian, he thinks, and it’s even wearing a little red cap.

Chu Wanning does not know what to make of the fact that Mo Ran owns such a cute pen when he looks like the epitome of masculinity to him. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Masculine guys are allowed to own cute pens, the issue with this is just that it makes Mo Ran about ten times more endearing than he already is.

And Chu Wanning – right now – only has a crush on him. He’s not full-blown in love with him.

…Or at least that’s what he’s hoping.

Still, he takes it and starts taking attendance, pointedly ignoring the fuzzy feeling in his chest.

*

Once class is over, Chu Wanning packs up his stuff and says goodbye to all of his students; then he waits for all of them to leave the room so that he can lock it back up. Shi Mei is the second to last to leave, with a confused little look at Mo Ran, who’s looking up at Chu Wanning, his pencil case still on the table.

“What?” he asks, and Mo Ran just gives him a little smile.

“My pen.”

“What about your pen?”

“You packed it into your bag. You want to keep it?”

Immediately, Chu Wanning feels like he’s going to combust actually, because yeah, now that he’s thinking about it, he definitely did pack that pen into his own back, and that’s embarrassing in so many ways, but it would be slightly more bearable if Mo Ran hadn’t asked him whether he wants to keep it.

“Obviously not,” he replies, and reaches into his bag to retrieve it, finding it relatively soon, then handing it back to Mo Ran.

“Ah, then thank you for giving it back! Didn’t want to ask in front of everyone.”

Only then does Mo ran zip his bag back up, stand up from his chair, and shoulder his bag. He’s put the can of energy drink back into his bag; probably taking it to his own trash at home or something. Chu Wanning isn’t entirely sure.

(And he’s not the best at handling trash to begin with.)

“Alright, Professor Chu, I’m off then! Goodbye!” and with that, Mo Ran waves at him, and leaves the classroom.

For a few seconds, Chu Wanning remains stunned because of his godforsaken smile. Then, he tells himself to get it together and get the hell out of here and the hell back home since it’s his one day where he only has one class and nothing else.

Alas – it’s his one day he can actually properly spend with his cat Plum, so he should head home to her.

Right when Chu Wanning leaves the building, his phone gives a short notification sound. It’s a smartphone, since Xue Zhengyong bugged him so much about getting an actual smartphone and not using his old flip phone anymore; and he half expects the message to be from him, too.

However, when he actively pulls down the small notification, it’s from someone completely else.

He doesn’t have his number saved anymore, but even just the address of ‘Hey, Wanning’ is more than enough to know exactly who it is. Because only a single person would address him that way.

He stops walking dead in the track.

With trembling fingers, he pulls down the rest of the notification, and then clicks on it, because Chu Wanning isn’t above leaving him on read.

It’s not a very long message; just asking him whether he would like to go for a coffee at one point. He doesn’t even know that Chu Wanning doesn’t like coffee enough to actively drink it. Although maybe it’s just a figure of speech; not like Huaizui ever cared about what Chu Wanning understands and doesn’t understand. What he loves and doesn’t love.
Who he is and isn’t.

However, the three dots appear again, and Chu Wanning can’t get himself to walk on. So, he stands on the sidewalk, at least stepping aside enough so that people can walk by still; and waits for the next message to come in.

‘I’m glad you’re reading the message. You don’t have to respond to any of this if you don’t want to.’

Oh, that’s a new one. No begging him to answer like the past few messages at least.

‘I just wanted to say that I really am proud of you. I just saw the news article from some years ago, about you being a professor now.’

That means he actively looked up his name. Chu Wanning isn’t sure how to feel about both that, and the fact that he said he’s proud of him. That might be the first time ever since Chu Wanning so much as mentioned not wanting to become a lawyer or doctor or at least a priest like his adoptive father that he’s said he’s proud of him.

And after he said that he might actually be a guy, there were no positive words from him anymore anyways.

Still – he does say that he’s proud of him. So surely that… accounts to something? Chu Wanning is just not sure whether their relationship can still be fixed. Not after everything that’s happened. Frankly, he doesn’t think he could ever forgive him.

‘I won’t apologize to you, because that’s something that would have to be done in person. If you want to meet me at any point, let me know.’

And only then do the three dots disappear.

For a bit longer, Chu Wanning stares down at the messages he’s received, and then wills himself to answer.

‘I don’t want to meet,’ he types, because not a single cell in his body wants to meet this man right now. He mutes the contact and deletes the chat so that he doesn’t have to bother with it on his sort of free day, when he could be spending that time with his cat.

Who needs a father when you have a cat, anyways?

(And who needs a father when you’re falling in love with your twenty-year old student with a cute dog pen who you definitely shouldn’t be falling in love with?)

He pushes his phone back into his pocket and tells himself that he’ll just wind down for today, and he can think about his toxic adoptive father another day.

He has more than enough problems this semester already.

And Mo Ran might just be the biggest of all of them.

Chapter Text

Another two weeks have passed, and Chu Wanning has been expecting his adoptive father to text him again every single day, but nothing has happened. Clearly, he’s accepted his decision of not wanting to meet, which is better than it has been for the past few years.

It’s not that Chu Wanning doesn’t care about him, because he does. But too much has happened.

Some things can’t be undone.

He’s just been in and out of classes and meetings this entire time with barely any room to breathe, which has at least been distracting him enough from Hauizui’s attempt at reconciliation.

…He’s also been very distracted by Mo Ran, to be fair. Probably much more than by the actual classes. It’s becoming an actual problem because it’s been a full month of this now. He feels like he needs genuine help at this point, because there’s just no way he has a crush on his twenty-year old student.

Not like it matters. Chu Wanning can’t act on it, or else he’d lose his job; and even if he did act on it, there’s no way someone like Mo Ran would like him back anyways, so it’s not like it matters. Mo Ran obviously has friends already, and Chu Wanning only really has Xue Zhengyong.

At least Chu Wanning has been making sure to always bring his pens so that he can avoid any more physical contact with Mo Ran.

Well. Chu Wanning has at the very least managed not to touch himself about this even though his body keeps doing awful things to Mo Ran every single time he sees him, which should frankly be illegal.

Not like it matters much, because as elaborated on beforehand – even if Chu Wanning were to act on his feelings, which he can’t, Mo Ran would obviously still not requite any of them.

So, when Chu Wanning is just out for a walk in the afternoon (Plum left behind this time; he was already outside with her for several hours earlier, since it’s the weekend and his coworker from the orphanage has finally recovered from her infection so he didn’t have a shift today), and he bumps into someone, he thinks that his life might just be over forever, actually.

“Ah, sorry,” comes the immediate apology by the man Chu Wanning walked into because he was admittedly not looking where he was going, so he didn’t see the man coming up from around the corner.

It’s a kind of meager apology, as if the guy is scared of getting cursed out or something, but Chu Wanning isn’t the type of person for that on a Saturday afternoon when he could instead just accept the apology and move on with his life. He just got bumped into. It’s not a big issue. He didn’t fall, nor stumble, nor hurt himself. And he just hit his head on the person’s chin a little, which isn’t an issue – and okay, Chu Wanning doesn’t like touching other people much, but he’s going to shower once he comes home anyways, so it doesn’t matter at all. He’s going to feel gross until then, but getting mad wouldn’t help.

That’s until he replays the memory of crashing into him in his head; the smell of the person, the deodorant and perfume he uses, the soft but very deep voice, and of course that face when Chu Wanning actively looks up.

And, of course, who else would Chu Wanning crash into on his free day when he’s trying to clear his mind of all his troubles, if not the student he’s slowly but surely falling in love with?

“Ah-“ Mo Ran makes, waving his hands a little bit and then raising them, as if wanting to touch Chu Wanning but then deciding against it. “I didn’t hurt you, right?”

Even if he was hurt, Chu Wanning has other issues, namely, Mo Ran’s outfit. Or, well, Mo Ran as a person, but specifically in this outfit. He’s wearing one of those sports headbands to keep his hair out of his face, but he snaps it off in a swift motion. Black, fluffy hair falls back into Mo Ran’s face, including his slightly sweaty forehead; he was clearly going for a run, but must be sporty enough for it to not affect him that much. And oh, oh by the Gods, he’s wearing just a black tank top, the sides open enough to show off tanning skin, glittering a bit with sweat, also, very visible pecs right below that Chu Wanning can make out enough since the sun shines directly onto them. Below the tank top is a pair of teal running shorts, but it’s specifically the short ones that don’t even cover half of the thighs, so Chu Wanning gets a very good look at Mo Ran’s muscly thighs and calves, on top of the outline of-

His head jerks right back up to Mo Ran’s eyes because there’s no way proper and dignified Chu Wanning is going to be thinking in any way about his students genitals. Thank you very much.

“…Professor Chu? I didn’t hurt you, right? Are you okay? You seem a tiny bit out of it.”

Of course he’s out of it, because he’s trying his absolute best not to lust after his twelve years younger student. Anyone would be out of it in that situation, but it’s just so hard when Mo Ran is right in front of him, some of the strands of hair that have fallen into his face sticking to it, his biceps right in Chu Wanning’s view, and he just-

God, he can’t do this.

“I’m fine,” he says, hoping that his voice doesn’t show the utter panic he’s feeling right now. His heart is beating way too fast in his chest for so many reasons right now that he wouldn’t even know where to start even if he tried.

“Are you sure? You seem to be spacing out a little bit-“

And when Mo Ran raises his hand again, as if to touch him, Chu Wanning does the only thing he’s always been so very good at. He raises his own and slaps Mo Ran’s hand away, because driving people away might just be his special talent.

Mo Ran does indeed appear a bit taken aback by him slapping his hand away like that, but still smiles a bit at him. Although the smile looks a little cold.

“Alright, if you say you’re fine, then you’re fine,” he replies, “just wanted to make sure. Going for a walk?”

“…Obviously.”

Chu Wanning has never been much for these stupidly obvious questions. Of course he’s going for a walk, why else would he be outside?

“Right, right,” Mo Ran laughs, “just thought that maybe you were going to the store or something. You live around here, then?”

For a few seconds, Mo Ran twists and turns, as if looking for his house – a few seconds that Chu Wanning takes to step back just a tiny bit because he’s starting to smell more than just Mo Ran’s various smelling products, but his actual smell. And Chu Wanning would rather not think about the effect that has on him.

“…Yeah,” he concedes eventually, because there’s no need to lie about where he lives. “Around here. Up that street.”

“Ah, I see!” Mo Ran laughs, “it’s nice around here.”

Part of Chu Wanning wants to ask where Mo Ran lives, but first of all, that’d be unprofessional, and secondly, it’s just going to be one of the many student accommodations.

“Hm.”

“…So…” Mo Ran starts again, eyes flitting left and right, as if he doesn’t quite know what to say or do.

Which makes sense, because Chu Wanning isn’t good at conversation, and he’s Mo Ran’s professor. Mo Ran wouldn’t have a lot to say to him. Yet, Mo Ran doesn’t leave, so Chu Wanning can only think of one thing to make him.

“Don’t you have homework due today?”

“Ah-“ Mo Ran laughs, and the laugh does actively kill Chu Wanning, actually, “yeah, yeah, I know, don’t worry, I’ll get it submitted on time! I’m halfway through, but then my concentration gave in, so I took a break and decided to go for a run instead. I still have until midnight to submit it on time, so it’s going to be fine.”

“…Right,” Chu Wanning says, heart still beating away in his chest when Mo Ran very casually lifts his arm to scratch his back, and oh. Oh. That makes his muscles ripple below his skin, red with effort from the run, and Chu Wanning doesn’t know what to do with himself-

“I have to leave,” he announces, and does exactly that because he can’t take another second of this or else it’ll show on his face.

Never in his life has Chu Wanning been scared of losing control about sexual things, but Mo Ran might just make him, and that scares the actual living hell out of him.

“I-“ Mo Ran starts, but Chu Wanning just backs away another step, and only when he turns around does Mo Ran mumble a weirdly meek little ‘goodbye’.

Chu Wanning decides not to make more of it; he doesn’t owe a student any explanations as to why he has to leave for his home, so he just walks away as fast as he possibly can.
Literally fleeing.

Oh, everything about this is so bad, and while he can talk to Xue Zhengyong about some of his worries at least, there’s absolutely no way he can tell him about the fact that he’s actively lusting after his adoptive son.

*

When Chu Wanning arrives home, there’s someone in front of his door who he’s only seen literally three times. Namely, when checking out the flat for the first time, then when receiving the keys, and then on the day of his move.

And he feels like the landlord waiting in front of his door with crossed arms is very possibly not a good sign at all.

“Excuse me,” he says when he arrives right in front of him, “is there an issue?”

His landlord just narrows his eyes and reaches out his hand towards him.

“Your keys.”

“Excuse me?”

Why should Chu Wanning hand over his keys to his landlord? Are they getting exchanged, perhaps?

“Today is the eviction date, didn’t you see?”

“The what date?”

Chu Wanning’s blood runs absolutely and utterly cold at that. Suddenly, a lot from the past few weeks comes back to him. The letters he told himself he’d open later and then carelessly tossed to the side, the missed calls from a number he hadn’t saved which he either didn’t pick up because he was in class, or too exhausted to talk to another human being.

“The eviction date. I sent you at least five separate letters about the eviction alone, and several others to talk to you about some of the things that go against the flat’s contract. In which case, had you fixed them, I wouldn’t have minded if you stayed.”

No.

There’s absolutely no way he’s being evicted right now. There’s absolutely no way this is happening right now. He feels his eyes go wide but forces them back to normal immediately, out of pure habit, even when he feels like the world is literally ending right now.

This can’t be happening again.

He can’t be going homeless again right here and right now.

“Why?” he manages to croak out, and his landlord just gives a small sigh.

“If you had read the letters, you would know. Grab your stuff, and get out.”

“I’m sorry,” Chu Wanning presses out from between clenched teeth, “I didn’t find the time to open them-“

“It’s been months. Fine, I’ll tell you why. First of all, a neighbour saw your cat multiple times. This flat doesn’t allow big pets such as cats and dogs, otherwise the rent would have to be higher.”

“I found her as a stray,” Chu Wanning tries to defend himself, “she was- she nearly died, there was nowhere else to go-“

“For a few weeks, I would have tolerated it had you told me, and then you could have either handed it to a shelter, or found a new flat.”

“But-“

“Second. You haven’t paid the correct rent for three months in a row now. It’s been raised because of the rising energy costs, and I also sent you multiple letters about that.”

There’s nothing he can do but grit his teeth at this point. Because Chu Wanning knows that the cat would already be reason enough to kick him out, and of course he’ll be taking all the letters with him to see whether his landlord truly sent these to him, but considering the pure amount of letters he’s received from his landlord in the past few months, he believes him without even looking.

“Third, there’s constant noise in the middle of the night coming from your flat that several neighbours have already complained about. May I ask what that is?”

“…I’m a professor for Mechanical Engineering. I have projects.”

“Then you should have been doing these during the day. And fourth, and frankly, this is the main reason, the food moths.”

Oh.

“It took us a while to realize that they were coming from your flat, but we exterminated them from all other flats, yet they kept coming back over the past few weeks, as soon as windows were left open around the house. The trash cans outside of the house have been full of maggots, too, and no matter how much we clean them, they keep coming back because you’re not taking care of them. Just how many are there in your flat?”

Chu Wanning has been meaning to take care of that issue, but he just never got to it. It’s not like he uses the kitchen, and the rice and oatmeal he keeps in it isn’t exactly a lot. Well, he supposes it’s enough for the food moths to get more and more. It’s not like he sees them during the day. It’s not like he touches any of the food in there anymore. He mostly eats out of the house. There’s no mold, as far as he’s aware, but- it’s true that there’s maggots in all of the food he has in the kitchen, the spices he kept in it included also.

“I have also sent letters about them and tried calling you, but there was no response at all. However, I cannot let my other tenants live like this any longer.”

There’s nothing left for him to do but lower his head a little bit and look at the floor instead.

“I have even had complaints from neighbouring houses about food moths that they figured came from our apartment complex and trash cans, since some of the tenants apparently saw the maggot-riddled trashcans outside. I’ll have one last look at your flat and at the letters if possible, just to check if everything is true, but you’ll probably have to pack up, leave, and pay some money for reparation costs since I don’t think the fee you paid during your first month will be enough given the cat and the food moths that will need extermination.”

Chu Wanning swallows. His voice comes out steady, although he has not a single clue as to how.

“I understand,” is all he manages to choke out, giving a very short nod.

“Alright. Give me your keys, please. You can start packing while I have a look.”

The next thirty minutes of Chu Wanning’s life are ones that he’d rather forget as soon as he’s found a new place to stay. They’re spent gathering up his clothes and packing them into his suitcase, as well as his bathroom products. For everything else, he uses the bags he has lying around. Cat food (food moth free, since he kept it in his bedroom), his books and other university related things go into the large shopping bag. The trinkets and drawings he’s received from the children over the year are put into the bag he usually takes to university with him so that none of them come to harm. And last but not least, he has to force Plum into her carrier, together with her food and water bowl (both empty; he can’t have them spilling into the carrier).

Plum hates being put into the carrier though, and she meows very loudly in protest. Nothing Chu Wanning does calms her down in the least; only when he actively picks up the carrier after shouldering the two bags and grabbing the suitcase once his landlord opened all the letters for him and showed them to him.

Chu Wanning had no way of defending himself, so all he can do is just leave the flat and hope for the best at this point. He gives a small, apologetic glance at Plum, since he doesn’t want to talk to her yet when his landlord is still there.

“I do feel bad about kicking you like this,” his landlord says, and Chu Wanning kindly wants to tell him that he can say those words to anyone but him because he’s heard it all before, so he just doesn’t respond. “But you know, the other tenants…”

“I’ll send you the money needed as soon as you let me know how much. Text me about it instead of calling me. Goodbye.”

He can’t hide his feelings for too much longer, so he decides to just leave his landlord standing right there when he walks straight out of the door – bless the fact that he lived on the ground floor, otherwise he would’ve had to carry his very heavy belongings down some stairs.

In the light of the setting sun, Chu Wanning takes a few deep breaths and allows his breath to come out unsteady, even if he blinks often enough to suppress any kind of tears. He’s at fault for this himself. He very much is, and he knows he couldn’t win a legal battle about this; not that he’d even bother trying.

The sun will be down soon. Until then, Chu Wanning doesn’t dare go anywhere; the local mechanical engineering professor getting kicked out and walking through town with all of his belongings on him? Yeah, no way is that happening.

Mo Ran should hopefully not be in the area anymore, at least. Chu Wanning is pretty sure that he won’t run into him again,

It’s fine; he can just hide behind the house, in the small stairway leading down to the (apparently maggot-riddled) trash cans. After that, he can just go to his office at university and spend the night there. From there, he can check the hotels in town and whether there are any free rooms still, although that’s probably highly unlikely, specifically for prolonged times.

And while he isn’t exactly poor, Chu Wanning donates a lot of his money, specifically because he doesn’t need this amount of money; and some of it is on a bank account for savings that he can’t touch for another ten years. It’s the last week of the month, too.

He can pay for hotel rooms if truly needed, but if he doesn’t have to, that’d be very nice.

…Especially considering that he’ll still have to pay whatever fee his landlord is probably calculating right now.

“It’ll be fine,” he whispers, partly to Plum, partly to himself. “We’ll come up with a solution, won’t we?”

This isn’t Chu Wanning’s first time being homeless.

And this time, he at the very least still has some money. He’ll make do.

He’ll figure out something.

*

It’s five minutes to eight at this point, and Chu Wanning has been sitting in his office for a good hour by now. Plum is strolling around, sniffing all the scents that she doesn’t know, just glad to be out of the carrier for now. She has her water and food bowls stocked up, and Chu Wanning will take her outside for another small walk so that she can pee again before he tries to sleep in his office chair for an entire night.

He's not looking forward to the back ache tomorrow morning, either.

In the past forty minutes, he’s been desperately scrolling through hotel sites online, as well as calling them in the hope that anything is free; but no, there’s both some kind of fandom convention in town (Chu Wanning has no idea what ‘fandom’ really means), and a car exhibition, so all hotels are completely booked for the week.

So, his next bet was looking at flats, but no one responds at this time, and most of them are either horribly far away, or horribly expensive.

Life is against him.

The thing is, Chu Wanning wouldn’t care much about being homeless by himself for a week. The issue is just his cat. He can’t have Plum live in his office for a week, and he himself can’t be doing that, or else it’d get suspicious. He has to get rid of his stuff latest by Monday morning because he’ll have other thesis advice appointments, and one appointment with Shi Mei to talk about his scholarship, since he’s very scared of falling behind, so Chu Wanning will talk it over with him as to what kind of tutor he needs.
He can’t have his things in here anymore. But there’s absolutely no way to find a place to sleep right now, either. Even the hostel is stuffed full of other people. It’s completely hopeless.

It’s then that Plum jumps into his lap and just sits down, probably comforted by the presence of the only person she knows around here. She doesn’t purr, but she seems to relax enough, rolling up into a ball and hiding her eyes behind her white paws; the computer’s screen is probably too bright for her.

Once more, Chu Wanning googles for housing in the city with slightly different phrasing; this time, one of the first links is the student housing, together with numbers for the people that navigate it. He’s pretty sure it’s last semester’s numbers, actually, but if he tries to call, they could probably hand him the numbers of the people responsible now.
There’s four numbers given overall; one of them Chu Wanning knows for a fact stopped working student services because he got involved with him a tiny bit last semester when trying to figure out housing for one of the kids at the orphanage, since they want to study there. He wasn’t the nicest, but Chu Wanning gets it. He’s also not perceived as the nicest.

The other three he doesn’t know at all.

It feels absolutely and utterly humiliating to be calling student housing services for a temporary flat, but he has a cat on him. Not that that’s something he can tell them, considering that student housing doesn’t exactly allow pets. Either way. Life is against him, but Chu Wanning needs a flat, and he needs it quick, and this is probably his best bet.

He types in the first number and just hopes that someone will pick up.

The phone rings for quite a long time; only after eight rings does someone pick up.

“Yes, hello? Who’s there?”

He doesn’t even give a name, but it’s a very deep and pleasant voice.

“Hello. Do you still work at student housing?”

“Ah- sort of. Enough to be relevant there, still. Mostly teach the new people, but yes. Why?”

“I-“

Oh God. Chu Wanning doesn’t even know where to start.

He takes a deep breath and brings his hand to Plums soft, white fur, petting her from head to tail in slow strokes. It’s calming enough.

“My name is Chu Wanning, I’m a professor in the Mechanical Engineering department.”

“Ah, I’ve heard of you,” he says, “I’ve been looking into the department recently, since I’m considering studying something else for convenience’s sake- well, whatever. What do you need?”

Chu Wanning hates every single second of this, and he doesn’t want to be saying this, but- his cat. He can’t live on the streets with Plum, no matter how much she likes going outside. He can’t do this to someone who isn’t himself, even if that someone is a cat.

“I got kicked out of my flat just now, and all hotels are booked up. Is there any way I can get into student housing, if there’s something free? I can pay, obviously. It won’t be for long, I’m sure to find a new flat very soon.”

“Kicked out?” the man on the other end of the line echoes. “What about court?”

“There’s nothing I can do,” Chu Wanning says, “I don’t want to go into it, what’s been done is done. I just need to know if there’s anything you can do for me.”

For a bit, it’s quiet, and then the man releases a quiet huff of breath into his phone.

“In theory, no. In practice, yes. Let me boot up my computer and log into the system, I’ll see if anything’s free. You might be lucky, considering it’s the summer semester. It might take a while for the system to load, though.”

For the next two minutes, neither of them says anything; only then does the computer boot up and the system load, apparently.

“I suppose you don’t have any preferences?”

“If I could live alone, that would be nice.”

“Unlikely,” the man says, “yeah, no, impossible. There’s only five flats that still have free places. One of them is a flat of six with two remaining rooms in the southern part of town. The other two flats both have only one student in them. One is five minutes from the main campus, the other one ten.”

Chu Wanning has to consider his options. Main campus means the library; the library means a lot of students, including his students. The further the better. In theory, the flat with four students in it would be ideal, as it’s the farthest from university, but Chu Wanning also knows for a fact that he can’t deal with living with four other people.

So it has to be one of the other flats.

Five minutes is way too close.

“The one that’s ten minutes from there, if the student agrees. If not, the other one with only a single person. If anyone else needs the flats instead of me, feel free to just… kick me out.”

“Alright,” the man says, “I’ll look into it. Give me some minutes to call the guy and see if he answers.”

It’s a guy. Chu Wanning isn’t entirely sure whether he’d prefer living with a woman or a man, personally. Gender doesn’t say anything about their habits and the likes to begin with, so it probably doesn’t matter. The thought of living together with anyone is bad enough.

A student on top of that.

His dignity feels like it’s disappearing by the second. Every single thing about this is awful, and Plum even looks up at him for a bit with worried eyes, until he starts stroking her again. He puts his phone down; it’s time to wait for an answer now. Whatever happens, he’ll figure something out. If it comes to it-

If it comes to it, he can ask Xue Zhengyong to take him in for a few days. Chu Wanning knows that he would, but admitting to his friend why he got kicked out, and that he got kicked out in first place just seems so scary. What would Xue Zhengyong even think of him? Maybe he would even stop being his friend, and it’s not like Chu Wanning has any other friends at all. He can’t risk this if he doesn’t absolutely have to.

Apart from Plum’s very quiet purring, the room is bathed in silence. Only the light of the computer illuminates it, Chu Wanning not wanting anyone to know that he’s in here.
He leans back into the chair. No matter the answer, he’ll have to go outside with Plum and then try to sleep. He can’t work on any projects here anyways. He’ll have to try and get as much sleep as possible, considering that his options are either the floor, or his office chair.

At least he brought a blanket.

Warily, he reaches into the bag that he’s placed next to him, fishing around for the only stuffed toy he’s ever owned and will ever own.

It’s just a small husky that he bought when he was eighteen, when-

He’d rather not think about it.

Chu Wanning puts it onto his shoulder, then leans his head against it, taking a deep breath. This will have to serve as his pillow tonight. Even though it’s fourteen years old by now. Well, it doesn’t look too bad; usually, it just sits on the shelf with the things the other kids gave to him. Although this husky wasn’t given to him, but rather-

Gritting his teeth, he closes his eyes, because he might as well.

It takes a good fifteen minutes before his phone rings again and Chu Wanning picks up.

“Yes?”

“It’s me. The student agreed. I didn’t say anything about you being a professor, just that you’re in dire need of a flat. That way, you can still decide whether to tell him or not.”

The exhale that leaves Chu Wanning’s throat is one of pure and utter relief.

He has a flat. Even if only temporarily, but he has a flat. He doesn’t have to be homeless again. If he wasn’t as emotionally constipated, he might even cry of joy. But, alas, not a single tear leaves his eyes, and neither does he smile. He just sits there for a few seconds, taking in the words.

“Okay. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, that’s what I’m here for. You have somewhere to stay for the night? If not, I do have a sofa.”

“No,” Chu Wanning says immediately, “I have somewhere to stay for tonight. When can I move in?”

“I said that you’d be there tomorrow morning at one point. Eight or nine. The student said that he’d rather it was tomorrow if somewhat possible, since he still has a friend over. Hence I asked. If not, he would’ve kicked him out, apparently.”

Ah, so it’s a person who would kick out their friend. Chu Wanning isn’t sure they’ll get along very well.

“No, tomorrow morning is just fine,” he says.

The other guy tries to make conversation for a bit and only then talks about pricing and the like, but it’s doable; Chu Wanning doesn’t care. He just has to hope that the guy he’s going to live with won’t tell anyone about Plum. He could consider sneaking her in, but that wouldn’t work, so he’ll have to be upfront about it. Obviously he’d pay for any damages.

After a few more minutes, they get off the call, and Chu Wanning lets himself sink back into the chair, sighing in relief once more, then looking up at the ceiling for a long, long while.

He has a flat.

It’s fine. He’s going to be okay. And first and foremost, Plum will have a flat. He can relax now and actually try to sleep after going for a walk with her one last time.

No matter how awkward it’s going to be hiding the fact that he’s a professor from his new flatmate. No matter how awful it’s going to be to have a flatmate to begin with, given the fact that Chu Wanning has never lived with anyone that wasn’t his adoptive father.

It’s fine.

It’s only going to be for a few days or something, until he finds either a hotel or a new flat.

*

Chu Wanning wakes up in the middle of the night, his computer still running since he never actually turned it off. When he warily looks at the time, it’s a few minutes to four. His computer is still open on his e-mails since the last thing he got was the address; funnily enough, not the name of the student. Maybe the guy has limited access to the databank at this point, or he just forgot. Chu Wanning never actually learned his name. Not that it’s important; it’s safe to assume they will neither make friends, nor get along well to begin with.

The e-mail program shows two new e-mails; one is an essay submission by the student sitting last row, one minute to midnight. The other one is also an essay submission, however three hours too late, slightly past three in the morning, and the small name indicates that it’s Mo Ran’s.

So he didn’t manage on time after all. No wonder, after he’s apparently been out running all afternoon. Chu Wanning should’ve guessed.

He writes the other student first to make sure that she knows he’s seen it. Then, he opens Mo Ran’s mail. The past few weeks, it was usually just a few sentences to say that the document is attached, and thanking him for grading it in advance, but this time, it’s a bit longer of a text.

It starts off with the normal greetings, but then directly apologizes for being late.

‘Sorry for turning this in late. I overheard my neighbour saying that her brother’s car broke down today when he needs it to drive his boyfriend to an important appointment tomorrow, so I offered to fix it, and then it got really late. This is the earliest I could reasonably finish this homework. I hope you still accept it.’

And then the regular e-mail ending.

For a while, Chu Wanning just looks at the e-mail, furrowing his eyebrows a little. Why would he not accept it? This is too specific of an excuse to be a lie, and even if it was a lie; Chu Wanning specifically makes the deadline Saturday and not Sunday only so that his students don’t procrastinate and hopefully get some free time on Sunday. Of course that’s not what he tells them, but still; it’s three hours late, at night. He couldn’t care less.

Well, only because there’s an explanation. Chu Wanning doesn’t want to end up being too lenient on his students, either, so he will make sure to send a response asking him to send it on time if possible, but that he’ll accept late admissions with good reasons. Fixing someone’s car is a good reason, he’d argue, so he accepts it.

He shoots a mail back just scolding him for being late but saying that he’s going to accept it. He doesn’t write anything else, because he’s not sure what else he would write.
First of all, Chu Wanning isn’t much for talking. And secondly, Mo Ran wouldn’t give a single damn about whatever his professor is saying, so why bother? Just because Chu Wanning has gotten weirdly attached to him and has been tormented by the encounter this afternoon, that doesn’t mean Mo Ran also thinks the same way in any way.

Because Chu Wanning is not someone who’s loved by anyone.

…Let alone his twenty years old student.

All of this is stupid. He needs to get over this, or else the rest of the semester will be awful. He’s not entirely sure he’s ever had a crush. He doesn’t think he did. He wished he didn’t have to consider this a ‘crush’, but clearly it’s something that makes him think about how firm Mo Ran’s muscles felt when he crashed into him. How good he smelled even though he should have smelled bad, given the fact he’d been running for quite a while.

How stupidly soft all of his smiles look, and how Chu Wanning wants to see more of those smiles and hear more of this voice and-

He stops right there, glancing tiredly at Plum, curled up in one of his shelves, on a book.

It’s going to be alright. He can hide whatever those feelings are, because he’s no stranger to hiding emotions.

After all, he only really sees him in class, and running into him today was just unfortunate, so there’s not a lot of times he has to pretend that he’s not slowly falling for his student.

Well, Chu Wanning thinks to himself, it’s just in class. I should appreciate that I don’t live with him.

This time, he turns his computer back off before he closes his eyes and tries his best to go back to sleep despite the ache in his lower back starting to become noticeable.
Whoever he’s going to live with starting tomorrow – it’s going to be better than sleeping in his office chair with just a small Husky plushie to keep him company.

Chapter Text

“No! That’s still raw, you can’t eat that, give it back!”

Mo Ran looks at the guy standing in front of him, then back at the wonton in his small hands, and then back at the guy who he suspects must be a teenager. He’s not that good at telling ages; maybe he’s fourteen or fifteen. He looks a bit like the girl in the orphanage that Mo Ran knows is fifteen, so that’s probably a good guess. He’s wearing beige pants and a white, woolen sweater. Long hair frames his face, bound in a ponytail; he has high cheekbones and a very angular face, and when Mo Ran looks into his eyes, he drops the wonton altogether.

The sun shines in through the window from behind him, dipping him in a kind of angelic light, orange cast onto his outline like he’s a deity of some sorts. But, because of the glass built into the kitchen cupboard opposite of him, there’s some of the sunshine reflecting in his eyes.

And Mo Ran’s heart moves. He’s five years old, and he doesn’t know what that feeling is, but his entire body seems to light up.

Only then does he realize that he’s dropped his wonton, but before he can pick it back up, the youth has already done so, and placed it a few inches from the others.
Not that Mo Ran can do anything. He follows his every motion, the sway of his hair, the slight pinkish tint on his cheek from what must be exhaustion from folding all these wontons.

For a while, the pair just looks at each other. At one point, the teenager huffs out a breath, and Mo Ran thinks that he’s going to smile, but then he doesn’t really. It’s a little confusing, but the corners of his mouth twitch for the tiniest, tiniest bit, so everything Mo Ran can think is that if he were to smile, it would be the most beautiful smile he’d ever see.

“Ms Ding told me that you might show up in the morning. You’re Ran-er, then?”

Mo Ran nods, because right now, his name isn’t ‘Mo Ran’, because that only comes later, when Xue Zhengyong adopts him, who appears to be his uncle. Mo Ran isn’t entirely sure how much of that is true; whether Xue Zhengyong just lied to get him out of there, whether he wanted to save him or not, whether they’re actually related, he has no idea.

“There’s no need to scavenge for food like that,” the teenager says, “these are for later, but once they’re cooked, you can have one, okay?”

And, somehow, everything Mo Ran can do is give another curt nod and drop the issue.

“Good. You… Do you want to help cook them?”

Stunned, Mo Ran nods again. However neither of them moves, and Mo Ran just quietly stares at him instead. He’s beautiful. His voice is so soft, even if it sometimes sounds it’s going to break, going strangely high at times.

“…My name is Chu Wanning, by the way,” the teenager says eventually. Chu Wanning says eventually. “I’ve started working here last night. It’s nice to meet you.”

He even reaches out his hand towards him. Mo Ran takes it. His fingers are all big and warm, but also very skinny. He looks very skinny all over, on second thought.

“Gege.”

Chu Wanning freezes at the address, his lips a tight line.

“…You can just call me ‘Wanning’ if you want.”

“…Wanning!” Mo Ran echoes, and even if Chu Wanning doesn’t smile, Mo Ran does. “Wanning, why are you making wonton in the morning?”

“They’re for lunch. I’m just preparing them while everyone else is still asleep. You want to help or no?”

He sounds a little stroppy, but Mo Ran doesn’t care, because he’s promised him a wonton as soon as they’re done. And that makes him feel all warm inside.

“…Yes!” he says, “I’ll get the pot!”

He walks towards the cupboard that has all the pots – luckily at a height that Mo Ran can reach – and grabs the biggest he can find, given the pure amount of wontons placed neatly on the kitchen counter, as far as he can see given how short he is in comparison to said kitchen counter.

“…You want me to get you a chair?”

It’s not that the other caretakers aren’t as nice as Chu Wanning, no. That’s not where Mo Ran’s sudden fascination stems from, no. It’s the fact that he’s so beautiful it hurts, and the fact that he promised to give him food at a time where he’s usually not allowed.

“Yes!” he answers, a grin on his face, and Chu Wanning grabs him a chair that Mo Ran immediately climbs onto, then kneels on to look comfortably at the mountain of wonton on the counter.

His eyes go all big at the pure amount of food. Admittedly, Ms Ding’s wonton look better, but these look… plumper, somehow? He reaches out for one of them again, and Chu Wanning gives him a glance, as if scared that he’s going to try and steal another uncooked wonton and possibly bite into raw minced meat.

“…I wanna make one too,” he says, and at that, Chu Wanning’s gaze grows instantly a little bit softer.

“I can show you how.”

“Uh-huh!”

“Here, wash your hands first.”

“Yes!” Mo Ran says, and immediately reaches over the sink, waiting for Chu Wanning to turn on the tap. It takes a while for Chu Wanning to get the notion, apparently, but then, he helps him, and gets a small drop of dish soap onto his hands to get them clean. Once washed off, he hands Mo Ran one of the wonton skins, and places a teaspoon worth of meat in it.

“Alright, just follow what I’m doing.”

Chu Wanning goes into so much detail explaining the simple action of folding a wonton that there’s nothing Mo Ran could do wrong. Sure, it looks clumsy, and like something made by a five-year-old, but the skin holds tightly together without breaking apart.

“Another!” he says, but Chu Wanning points at the empty skin package.

“We don’t have any left. Next time.”

“…I wanna fold more wonton,” Mo Ran grumbles at the teenager that he’s met only a few minutes ago, but that has already captured his heart enough for him to know that he doesn’t need anyone else, not ever again.

“Don’t be silly,” Chu Wanning sighs, doing something with the stove, and then filling the pot up with water. “You wanted to eat one, right? So you should look forward to that instead.”

His words sound harsh, but to Mo Ran, his voice doesn’t.

He doesn’t even answer, just watches as Chu Wanning puts them into the pot one by one, waits for the water to boil.

It goes quiet between them for a while. Mo Ran just stares up at him, watches him as the sun rises more and more, eyes silently going wider when his heartbeat accelerates a little again.

“…You should go back to bed,” Chu Wanning says, having grown a tiny bit red below the intent stare of Mo Ran’s.

“Don’t want to. I’m awake. I wake up this early most mornings. I want to stay with Gege.”

“…Just ‘Wanning’.”

“Want to stay with Wanning.”

Chu Wanning doesn’t respond to that, but the tips of his ears turn ever so slightly redder. Mo Ran doesn’t know what he feels, other than that he’s absolutely enamored with him.
“How old are you?”

“…Seventeen.”

He’s seventeen. A few years older than he thought. He looks younger than that. He looks just like the oldest kids. Mo Ran is still standing on his little chair.

“Why are you working here?”

“I’m… looking for a place at college right now. So I wanted to occupy myself.”

Hmm, Mo Ran thinks, that’s not quite right.

None of the other workers here stay that longingly at the wonton. It reminds him of his mom. She used to have the same gaze in her eyes sometimes. And, when Mo Ran looked into the mirror, he saw it in his own, too.

It’s the reason why he’s already up to begin with.

“Alright,” he says, because even if he’s five, Mo Ran knows some things – one of them is that, sometimes, people don’t want to talk about themselves.

Chu Wanning doesn’t want to talk about himself.

“I like you,” he says instead, and Chu Wanning, who was just about to start placing the wonton into the pot, the water now hot enough – Mo Ran can see some steam – jerks back. One of the wonton nearly falls onto the floor.

Mo Ran very quickly catches it with both his hands, quickly realizing by its shape that it’s his own.

“…Do you want me to help you put it in?”

His voice sounds a lot softer, suddenly. Mo Ran wonders whether it’s because he did something useful (catching the wonton) or because he said that he likes him. Which is true though. He does. He’s engaging with him. It’s not like the other caretakers are bad or anything. But Mo Ran doesn’t like them.

They always make him talk to the people in white coats who ask him questions that he’d rather not think about. They always scold him for just wanting to get food because he’s hungry. If he’s hungry, he needs food; and if there’s food available for him to get when hungry, then he will damn well get it.

But no one understands that.

Only Chu Wanning does. Only Chu Wanning promises him a wonton as soon as they’re done.

So, Mo Ran nods, because the earlier he puts it in, the earlier he gets to eat it.

“Okay. Don’t touch the pot, and don’t touch the water, that’s both very hot,” he says, and Mo Ran can’t help but think that he sounds like the school teachers in the cartoons that the other kids sometimes watch together, him only peeking into the room from the door because the others don’t like him much.

“Okay.”

“I’ll tilt it a little, and you drop it in carefully so that it doesn’t splash up at you, alright?”

“Hm!”

And he does.

Mo Ran grabs the wonton and drops it in, quickly retracting his hand just in case he gets any hot water on himself.

(He’s very scared of pain, because he’s already had a lot of it in his life. He doesn’t want anymore.)

(Years down the road, this will change. And then, it’ll take a lot for Mo Ran to stop hurting himself on purpose again.)

“It’s in!” he says, leaning over the pot a little bit, but he’s yanked back by Chu Wanning, only by his collar.

“Careful. It’s hot. Even the steam. I’ll put in the rest. Get down.”

Even if he grumbles a little bit, Mo Ran obliges, sliding off the chair, but still looking up at Chu Wanning very eagerly, watching as he places the wonton in the pot, one by one, piece by piece. Then, he washes his hands, the bowl he had the filling in, and quickly wipes the surface.

“How long does it take?” Mo Ran asks.

“Just a few minutes. I’ll check on them.”

He looks at Mo Ran. A bit as if he doesn’t really know what to do with himself. It’s his first day, Mo Ran remembers, so, even if Chu Wanning is a lot older and taller than him, he still looks up at him and feels older, suddenly.

“I can show you where the sweets are.”

Little Mo Ran doesn’t miss the way Chu Wanning perks up at the mention of sweets.

“Absolutely not. You’re not having any at this time,” he says immediately, and despite his strict tone, all Mo Ran can think is that he wants to see him smile. He wonders whether eating something sweet might make him smile.

“…Just sit down at the table. I’ll find us a game. Any game you like a lot?”

Mo Ran’s mind comes up blank.

“I don’t want to play a game,” he says, but what he really means is that he hasn’t played any of the games at the orphanage, because no one wanted to play with him.

And the nurses were always busy.

“Okay,” Chu Wanning simply says, just accepting what he said. He doesn’t try to argue with him, doesn’t tell him off for not wanting to do something. “What do you want to do while we wait, then?”

“…Talk to you.”

“Talk to me?”

“Uh-huh! What’s college?”

It’s not a smile. But it’s something close to it. The corners of his mouth twitch a little. That’s enough.

Mo Ran will get him to smile.

Even if it takes him a lifetime.

*

After just five minutes, they’re done, and Mo Ran grabs himself a small plate, since Chu Wanning doesn’t yet know where they are. Once Chu Wanning has grabbed all the wontons out of the water, he searches for specifically the one Mo Ran folded, and puts it onto the plate, however holding it out of Mo Ran’s reach.

“It’s too hot,” he declares, “wait a bit. I’ll cut it in half, so it cools down faster.”

He does that without waiting for Mo Ran’s answer, and once he’s cut the wonton, he holds the plate out to him.

With slightly trembling hands, Mo Ran takes it. It smells good. The filling smells so good, and it looks all juicy- The wrapping too. His mouth waters, but it’s still steaming pretty hard.

So, he listens to Chu Wanning. He waits. After a minute, he even joins him with his own small plate of a single wonton. As if he’s too hungry to resist.

Mo Ran grabs the chopsticks he brought him, and grabs the wonton clumsily with it, blowing on it.

Then, he puts it into his mouth.

It’s all wet and juicy and tastes amazing. Even without any sauce. The flavours blend together, and Mo Ran can barely believe that he had a part in making it. It’s so good.

It’s so good that tears make it into his eyes as he chews and swallows all hastily, and Chu Wanning lets out a small sigh.

“Slow down. No one’s going to steal this from you. It’s all yours.”

Because he understands.

And Mo Ran understands that he understands.

“Y-yeah,” he mumbles, “okay.”

He lets his chopsticks sink for a bit before tackling the second half. That one, he eats a bit slower. While stealing a few glances at the teenager opposite of him again. It’s not Mo Ran’s fault he looks all beautiful.

It’s not Mo Ran’s fault that he’s falling in love with him right here and right now.

“Look,” Chu Wanning begins, voice trailing off a little, but then coming back again. “Whenever I’m here in the morning, I’ll give you a tiny bit to eat, okay? So, there’s no need to steal things anymore. You’ll get food here.”

“Okay,” he mumbles. Another fat tear rolls down his cheek, and he sniffs when he swallows the last part of his wonton. Even if it’s just every few days that he gets to eat something at a time when he isn’t meant to. Even if it’s just once or twice a week, if he can have just a tiny bit of control over when he can eat – then that’s enough.

Just the semblance of control is enough to him.

“No need to cry,” Chu Wanning eventually says. His voice is bordering on a whisper. Mo Ran watches as he gets up and pulls a pack of tissues out of his pocket to slowly pat his cheeks dry. His motions are a little rough and uncalculated, much unlike his mother’s. But it’s comfort enough.

“Come on. We’ll wash up the plates and act as if we didn’t eat at a time we weren’t meant to. Okay?”

“Okay,” he sobs, and he doesn’t stop crying at all until Chu Wanning drags him back to bed again when his eyes threaten to fall shut, tears still clinging to his lashes.

*

When Mo Ran wakes up again, the sun is much higher up, and there’s noise all around the house. He’s hungry, but he’s not as hungry as he could be.

His stomach just feels empty.

It doesn’t feel like a hole.

There’s a kind of warmth to that emptiness he hadn’t known before. Slowly, he peels himself out of bed and finds that he feels a little lighter than usual. Everything that happened feels like a dream – but the taste of minced meat lingers on his tongue, so he’s sure that it must’ve been real.

Chu Wanning must’ve been real.

Alas, Mo Ran is in the kitchen a few seconds later, and bumps into Ms Ding’s waist.

“Ah, Ran-er, you’re late for breakfast!” she scolds him, “you’ve missed our new worker introducing himself!”

“No need,” Chu Wanning waves off, “I’ve already met him earlier.”

“Ah, of course,” Mrs Ding says, looking down at Mo Ran with that scary gaze again. “Did you sneak into the kitchen again?”

“He did,” Chu Wanning says, and he looks all calm and serene about it, as if he doesn’t care a single bit for Mo Ran and what this might mean for him – namely, another scolding.

“Ran-er, please, we’ve talked about this. Did he steal anything?”

“No.”

Mo Ran’s heart stops. It feels like it’s been pierced somehow. Chu Wanning gives him one very small look before redirecting his attention towards the other caretaker.

“He just looked around and we introduced ourselves. I sent him back to bed then. He went. I didn’t give him anything to eat, like you said.”

“Oh,” Ms Ding’s gaze softens at that. “That’s okay then. Nevermind, Ran-er. If you’re up early and just want to hang out with someone, you let us know, okay?”

He can’t respond, and he doesn’t. He just looks up at Chu Wanning, seated at the table, only one child next to him, the other seat next to him free. He’s quietly and very elegantly drinking his tea, lifting the cup only as much as truly needed. His bowls are all empty already. He must’ve finished eating. That makes sense. Mo Ran remembers just how hungry he was earlier.

Chu Wanning lied for him.

Someone lied for him, just so he could have a bite to eat without getting scolded.

He lied for him.

Chu Wanning lied for him.

“Come on, there’s a place free next to Chu Wanning, so go sit down and I’ll grab you some food. He made wonton for later, by the way. Don’t you like them a lot?”

Mo Ran’s heart cries out in – he doesn’t know. He’s feeling a lot of things. He can’t do more than nod and sit down by Chu Wanning’s side, who gives him just a tiny glance downwards, as if to assure that Mo Ran won’t snitch on the two of them having eaten wonton together.

But he knows better than to do that.

Just once, Mo Ran bumps his foot into Chu Wanning’s leg, who flinches the tiniest bit at that, but goes back to normal when Mo Ran tries to give him the biggest smile he can possibly muster – and he realizes that it doesn’t feel forced at all.

He hasn’t smiled like that ever since his mom died.

*

Over the past three months, Mo Ran has been paying a lot of attention as to who has the morning shift. Whenever it was Chu Wanning, he’d sneak into the kitchen, and they’d eat something together. Sometimes, it’d be wonton. Sometimes, Chu Wanning would buy him milk candy, or small chocolates that they’d then share. Mo Ran quickly realized that Chu Wanning really likes sweet food, and probably bought them not just for him.

Sometimes, the other workers nearly caught them, but most of the time, they were sneaky enough; however, Mo Ran has very slowly started to get more and more involved in the wonton making, having gotten quite good at folding them. He knows what goes into the filling at this point, too.

He told Ms Ding that he really enjoys cooking, and that he might like to be a cook in the future. Ever since then, she’s been a bit nicer to him, and even the people in white have stopped asking as many questions.

So, Mo Ran can now make wonton, and cut several vegetables and fruit, as well as cook noodles and make easy soups.

…Overall, he feels like he’s the better cook out of the two already, because everything Chu Wanning tries making that isn’t wonton goes horribly wrong.

It’s on the weekend when Mo Ran wakes up as usual, thinks to himself that he’s going to go into the kitchen and help Chu Wanning prepare something for breakfast, and grab one of the gummy bears they’ve been slowly having over the past week and a half, two at a time, making sure they last long enough.

(Mo Ran would later realize just how much money Chu Wanning was spending on him for the fact that he was homeless at the time.)

Except that his head feels strangely heavy, and so do his limbs. He can feel his heart beat away in his chest consciously, and his pajamas are sticking to himself. For a second, Mo Ran gets stupidly scared he’s wet the bed, even if that hasn’t happened in over a year now, but no – it hasn’t.

Because his upper body feels much wetter than his lower body.

He feels hot.

Everything is hot.

His limbs hurt.

No matter how hard he tries to get up, he won’t manage. It’s like his body isn’t listening to him at all, and soon, tears are shooting into his eyes not just because of the pain, but also the pure frustration of not being able to go see Chu Wanning.

He just wants to be with him as much as he can.

It’s all he really knows.

But, alas, Mo Ran is stuck in bed, and even if he was about to wet the bed now, he couldn’t do anything about it. For the record, he’s not, though. He went before sleeping.

After about ten minutes, however, his door opens, all while angry tears are still dreaming down his face, little sobs escaping his throat every now and again.

When he manages to look up just a little, there he is, in the door. Chu Wanning, in just a white t-shirt today, and loose grey cargo jeans. He looks stunning either way. Below the shirt, something shimmers in a dark grey, not quite black; it’s the undershirt he wears most days, that Mo Ran sees a lot when Chu Wanning is carrying him.

“…Hello,” Chu Wanning says, “you’re awake?”

“Yes,” Mo Ran makes, and the noise sounds all pitiful coming through his lips. Softly, Chu Wanning closes the door behind him and walks over to him.

“Ran-er, are you okay?”

Instead of an answer, all he can do is cry.

For a bit, everything Chu Wanning does is stare at him. Then, his hand comes down to his forehead, and he sighs.

“Wait here. I’ll get a thermometer. I think you have a fever.”

“No-“ Mo ran manages to choke out, “please. Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, Wanning-“

He’s out of reach for his aching limbs, so he can’t grab his arm or t-shirt, can’t even physically hold on like he held on to his mother’s corpse for days-

“Don’t be silly,” Chu Wanning scolds him, “I’ll just get a thermometer, and then I’ll be back. Just two minutes, okay?”

“Please don’t leave me,” he sobs again, because he’s already lost his mother and-

Mo Ran can’t bear to lose anyone else.

However, Chu Wanning does leave, and that’s what gets Mo Ran’s body to finally moves. He curls in on himself, as if looking for warmth, as if his entire body isn’t running way too hot right now. All he wants is for someone to stay. But everyone always leaves. He’s five years old, and everyone always leaves him, and he wonders whether he’s just so disgusting that no one wants to stay.

When the door opens again, it feels like all the lights that have never been turned off turn on again.

Chu Wanning is back.

He’s actually come back, thermometer and a small bottle in one hand, a steaming bowl in the other.

He sets the bowl and baby bottle (Mo Ran’s too old for this, he thinks) down onto the table, and looks back at him.

“You left,” Mo Ran says, tone half-accusatory, half-threatening, but Chu Wanning very clearly doesn’t feel neither accused nor threatened.

Instead, he gives a very quiet huff of breath that Mo Ran has learned is him laughing. Then, a hand combs through his sweaty hair for a bit.

“It’s okay. I’m back. Hold still while I take your temperature, okay?”

Chu Wanning raises the electric thermometer and Mo Ran, too stunned by the fact that someone came back for him, has it planted right into his ear. A quiet ‘peep’ resounds around the room, and then Chu Wanning pulls it back.

“It’s a fever, but a low one. No need for a doctor yet, we’ll just keep checking it, okay?”

He’s asking whether it’s okay even. Another wet sob escapes Mo Ran, still curled up, but facing the teenager in front of him.

“Come here, I’ve brought you some soup and apple juice. You need to eat and drink something. That’ll help a lot.”

“Don’t want it,” Mo Ran croaks out. His stomach also feels queasy, all of a sudden.

“Don’t be like that. Come on, I’ll help you sit up.”

“Did you make it?”

“What?” Mo Ran almost smiles at the coldness in Chu Wanning’s tone that sometimes slips out, something sharp and glaring to it that would make him shiver if he didn’t know how kind Chu Wanning really is, “Afraid to eat it if I made it? If you don’t want it, suit yourself-“

“No. Want it.”

For a bit, Chu Wanning looks like he’d rather die now than feed Mo Ran the soup, but then decides that that’d be very petulant of a seventeen-year-old to do because of a five-year-old, and instead helps Mo Ran sit up.

At first, Mo Ran drinks some of the apple juice. It cools down his throat. Ah, his throat hurts, too. His stomach still feels weird, but he thinks that he’s not going to throw up. It’s more of a tingle whenever Chu Wanning looks at him.

“There you go. Now, stop crying. It’s just a fever, and you might feel bad for a day or two, but it’s going to stop after that, and then you’ll be back to being fine. It’s probably just a cold.”

Next thing he knows, he has a tissue plastered across his face, wiping away the tears and then letting him blow his nose. His nose is also stuffy.

“Here. Now have some soup, come on.”

“…With you.”

“Huh?”

“I wanna eat with you,” Mo Ran says, and his voice still sounds all weak, but he tries his best not to start crying again. Chu Wanning told him to stop, so he’s ought to stop. “We eat together every morning. So I want to eat with you.”

For a bit, the room is silent, and Chu Wanning is blinking at him. Something glitters in his eyes that Mo Ran can’t quite place. All strictness fades from his face, and he’s grabbing a spoon of what Mo Ran thinks is chicken rice soup instead of scolding him for anything else.

“Okay. We’ll eat it together. And now stop making a fuss.”

Mo Ran stops making a fuss.

They finish the whole bowl together, with one spoon, and Mo Ran doesn’t even stop to think that Chu Wanning will definitely catch whatever he has, because he has not a single clue how viruses work yet.

It tastes good.

The taste will stay with him for years to come.

After that, Chu Wanning carries him to the bathroom and helps him wash up and change clothes, and then carries him back to bed.

This time, when Mo Ran asks him to stay in a shaky voice that’s barely audible in the stuffy air of his room, with red-rimmed eyes, Chu Wanning stays. Mo Ran grabs his hand, and he lets him. It makes his stomach feel worse again, but he feels safe.

Mo Ran feels incredibly safe right now.

He has the best two hours of sleep that he’s ever had, and when he wakes up, Chu Wanning’s head is next to his body, resting on one of his own arms, and he’s still holding Mo Ran’s hand.

His face is all relaxed, eyes closed, breathing deep and even. Some of his hair is tousled from moving in his sleep. From up close, his eyelashes are really long. His lips are opened in the slightest, his eyebrows all even when he’s not scrunching them up. His skin looks soft.

It’s not news to him, but oh, Chu Wanning is beautiful.

Mo Ran squeezes his hand a little harder and decides that whatever happens, he’s not going to let go of the person who’s made wonton with him, and eaten soup with him, and held his hand while fast asleep with a fever.

Mo Ran isn’t going to let go of Chu Wanning.

Not ever.

*

The day comes that would burn itself into Mo Ran’s memory just as strongly as Chu Wanning’s phoenix eyes.

It starts out like any other. Mo Ran sneaks into the kitchen and makes wonton with Chu Wanning again. Today, they have a few more sweets than Mo Ran is used to, but he doesn’t make much of it. They eat breakfast with everyone else, and Mo Ran goes to kindergarten and comes back, since he’s allowed to go there now. The orphanage workers keep saying that they’re really proud of him. So do the people in white. Apparently, it’s because he’s stopped biting and hitting people. A lot of them attribute it to Chu Wanning, and Mo ran finds that that’s quite an alright assumption to make.

He'd like to think that he also helped Chu Wanning, even if just a little. It’s probably a stupid thought. What could a little boy teach someone like him? However, when he recalls the soft gaze in his eyes sometimes, then maybe-

Chu Wanning fetches him from kindergarten, and nothing feels different. He holds his hand and keeps holding it until they’re back, some of the other kids still too scared of him to do so, the others already at school by now.

“Ran-er,” Chu Wanning says eventually, after they’ve gotten home and had the wontons for lunch. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

His expression remains neutral as always, so Mo Ran doesn’t suspect anything. He follows him to his room and watches as Chu Wanning quietly closes the door behind them, then sits down on the bed, patting his left side until Mo Ran sits down next to him.

“Hm?” he makes when Chu Wanning doesn’t speak up, his gaze having drifted off a little bit, as if he doesn’t know what to say either.

Eventually, however, he does speak up. His voice comes out rasped, a lot lower than it used to be a year ago, back when they met. A lot about him has changed. Not just his voice. His face looks sharper, too. Mo Ran is only noticing now that he’s paying attention to it. His eyebrows appear more filled in, and there’s the semblance of an unshaved stubble on his lower chin.

“I got accepted into a college.”

“Oh, that’s great, isn’t it?” Mo Ran asks, and he’s absolutely ready to celebrate – maybe with more sweets. However, Chu Wanning’s gaze remains weirdly solemn.

“Well- yes,” he says, but there’s a weird sadness to his voice.

“You wanted to go to college, right?” he asks, since now he finally knows what it is; Chu Wanning explained it to him once, and Mo Ran understood. What he’s noticed about him is that he explains things very precisely, and down to the point, but easy. Mo Ran didn’t have any issues understanding it.

“I do, but… it’s really far away.”

That’s when Mo Ran’s heart sinks and he understands the implications of this, understands the sad tone of voice, understands the grave expression on Chu Wanning’s face.

“Wanning.”

Chu Wanning’s head flies around to him, and Mo Ran only notices belatedly that there’s hot tears on his own cheeks, rolling down in fat drops, and that his breath is hitching in his throat already.

“You’re leaving,” he says, and the words feel strange and foreign on his tongue now that he’s gotten so used to Chu Wanning staying, to being reassured over and over again that he’d stay, that this would be the one thing he doesn’t do to him, because his mom left, and he can’t stand the thought of Chu Wanning also leaving- “You’re leaving me.”

“I’m sorry,” Chu Wanning echoes, “it’s the only college that’s offering me a scholarship- I mean, money. I don’t have the money to pay any other. I’m genuinely so sorry. I wished I could stay.”

“You can!” Mo Ran tries to say, but it comes out as a stupidly desperate wail, “you can! You don’t have to go, you don’t…!”

But he knows it’s what he wanted, because he knows that Chu Wanning wants to help people in more ways than just this. He knows that he’s really interested in machinery of all kind, that he’s usually able to perfectly fix anything wrong around the house, even if he’s completely hopeless at cooking.

A hand comes down onto his shoulder, but Mo Ran slaps it away, instead grabbing his own pants, breath hitching in his throat.

“I’m sorry, Ran-er,” he whispers again. “I can’t- I have to go. Not just because I want to go, but-“

“Take me with you!”

“Ran-er, that’s not how it works,” he starts back up, “you’re usually so smart. Don’t be like this now.”

“You’re leaving me!” he says, pushing him away again when he tries to pull him into a hug. Even when that’s all he wants, he pushes him away.

Because Mo Ran has always been so horribly good at pushing people away.

It feels like his tiny heart is shattering into a million pieces, like the world is being swallowed up by large, black waves, like he’s never going to come back from this, like everything he’s worked for is falling apart right in front of him.

“You’re leaving me…!”

This time, he doesn’t have it in him to push him away when he’s pulled into Chu Wanning’s lap, bumping his head into his chest instead. Again and again. Feeling the undershirt below, the cloth of Chu Wanning’s t-shirt rubbing against it when Mo Ran shakes his head into it.

He can’t leave him.

He can’t possibly be leaving him right here and right now.

“I’m sorry.”

His apologies aren’t helping in the slightest.

“If I could- if I could, I really would take you along. I have to leave, Ran-er. And I know that this is probably not something you can understand, but… there’s a lot that’s not okay where I live right now. There’s a lot that I need to get away from, and I need money. I understand if you hate me. I don’t blame you.”

Mo Ran brings his fists up and punches them into Chu Wanning’s stomach again, again, weak little punches that can’t possibly hurt.

“I don’t want you to leave…!”

“I’m sorry. I really don’t blame you for hating me.”

But Mo Ran doesn’t hate him, because even now when he should hate him, he doesn’t have that in him.

“Please don’t leave me…!”

A hand comes up to grasp his head, still a little awkwardly, even after a year. Pats him.

“I’m sorry. I really am. This is my fault. I’ll- I promise you that I’ll visit, okay? I’ll be back during all the breaks to come see you. Really, it’ll just be a few months at a time.”

But really, months, to Mo Ran who’s only lived a meager six years, feel like a lifetime.

“You can’t leave me-“ he cries, nuzzling into that comforting warmth that soon won’t be there anymore, will just be gone, the scent of haitang blossoms and the tingling in his entire body that will be gone alongside it.

“You can’t leave me,” he repeats like a mantra, while Chu Wanning holds him, while he tells him that he’ll certainly come back, that he’s going to leave tomorrow already, because he only got the scholarship because someone else didn’t accept, that he’s going to be on an airplane for the first time in his life. He holds the struggling and crying Mo Ran, telling him that he’ll make sure to take that picture they took together one day with him, that, as soon as Mo Ran learns to write, they can start exchanging letters.

But it’s not enough.

“You can’t leave me,” is all Mo Ran is able to say, until he’s cried himself hoarse, until his body gives in to sleep some seconds before he would otherwise throw up, clearly trying to protect itself.

Mo Ran has no idea when he wakes back up, but he wakes up to still being gently rocked back and forth, even if he’s unsure whether Chu Wanning is trying to soothe him, or himself. There’s a hand in his hair, and Mo Ran’s ear and cheeks are presses into Chu Wanning’s chest by that hand, and he doesn’t dare to let go.

Because as soon as he lets go, Chu Wanning is going to disappear. He’s going to vanish.

He’s not going to come back.

No one that has left Mo Ran has ever come back.

*

The next day comes, and it feels as if it’s the day the world was meant to be ending. Chu Wanning stands in front of him, with a suitcase, a taxi behind him, the driver waiting to take him to the airport.

He looks older, more mature somehow. His posture his different. He looks sturdier, much less thin. His cheeks are rosier, his hair less frizzy. He’s dressed in a white button-up and grey jeans as always.

He presses a last piece of milk candy into Mo Ran’s hand, from the bag they’ve opened earlier this week.

He promises him again that he’ll be back, that he’ll definitely be back.

When Chu Wanning leaves, he leaves for good. He doesn’t come back. Mo Ran is alone from then on out.

Four weeks later, not a single sign of Chu Wanning, the orphanage gets a call, and Mo Ran gets informed that he’s being adopted. For a second, he thinks it might be Chu Wanning, but it’s not. It’s someone who claims that he’s a family member, and that he wants Mo Ran to live with them.

He’s too scared to ask for it, but someone tells him that they’re sending a letter to Chu Wanning to let him know. Mo Ran isn’t sure whether they’re actually doing it. He’s not sure whether Chu Wanning will even read it, let alone reply.

Because he’s left him.

Told him he was going to leave, and then left, not even twenty-four hours later, forever and ever, and Mo Ran just feels so hollow inside.

The day of his adoption also comes. The man who’s going to be his new father is all smiles and kindness, but Mo Ran has learned the hard way that a kind man isn’t necessarily a good man, so he’s weary of him. The woman that’s with him reminds him of his mother, yet not at all; she’s fuller, somehow, smiles more, laughs more, puts a small flower into his hair. They tell him that he’s going to have a little brother, and that they’ll take him to a toy store to get him any toy he wants, just as a gift for the long travel. The woman made sweets, but they don’t taste like the ones Chu Wanning gave him.

Mo Ran had silently hoped not that his new family would be nice, but that Chu Wanning would come to see him off, just one more time, since he got informed of the adoption date, according to the other workers at the orphanage.

He asked them so much, trying to make sure that he can see him again.

But he doesn’t come.

He’s not here.

Because he’s left.

*

When Chu Wanning arrives, he knows he’s too late. He hoped he would make it in time despite his flight being delayed by two hours, and then the traffic being bad. He’s out of breath, having gotten out of the taxi and run the rest of the way because that was going to be faster than driving at any rate, but there’s only cars he knows in the drivway, and the children are playing outside instead of saying goodbye to someone.

He’s completely sweated through his clothes, and his calves burn more than they ever have. There’s something stinging in his eyes, and he’s not sure whether it’s the drizzle or tears when his cheeks get wet.

Gasping for breath, Chu Wanning looks into the orphanage, behind the gate, desperately trying to find the boy that was the first to ever make him feel like he had a meaning in life, like it wasn’t all in vain, like maybe, he could be someone’s person despite being ugly and stupid and unable to accomplish anything.

Trying to make out the shape of someone that left him behind just as much as Chu Wanning also left him behind.

It’s his own fault.

He said so to begin with.

The weight of it bears down on him more than his clothes do, slowly getting soaked in the rain.

The husky plushie he’s clutching in his hand that he bought with his first scholarship money looks even more pitiful than him.

Chapter Text

Mo Ran hasn’t slept well this night. Not at all, in fact. It started with him fucking Rong Jiu all the way into the next week, which he immediately regretted, because what the fuck is Mo Ran doing, sleeping around with him? When Chu Wanning is around and in his vicinity, and-

Ah. He doesn’t have a chance with Chu Wanning; that’s why he’s sleeping around with him. He’s already fucked two more people ever since moving to his city, but in all fairness, that’s partly because his neighbour did take him to the gay club at one point. Fucked a guy there. Trans guy, actually, he wonders if Ye Wangxi knows him (look, she's just very involved in the queer activist scene in the city, she knows a lot of people). Nearly said Chu Wanning’s name, was too mortified to touch anyone at all for a few days after, and then went back to the club to fuck another random guy once he was ready to fuck around again. Literally. Also nearly moaned Chu Wanning’s name as he came.

Alas, he’s been battling with he second-hand embarrassment of these two instances, and with the knowledge that he’s fucked Rong Jiu. Rong Jiu asked to stay the night, since it was already late, and his other friend (date? Boyfriend? Mo Ran isn’t entirely sure what that guy is about, but Rong Jiu talked about him in quite the infatuated way) is long asleep, loaded with university work.

He allowed him too, because whatever; there’s a bed in the next room.

Or so he thought.

Rong Jiu decided to take Mo Ran’s bed, so Mo ran ended u sleeping on a bed without bedsheets, because he absolutely refuses to sleep in a small university flat bed with Rong Jiu.

It was only half past eight at that point.

Fuck knows why Rong Jiu went to sleep at half past eight. For a bit, Mo Ran thought he was being stupid about it being late and finding a ride back, but no – there’s just no night buses over the weekends, for some fucking reason. Mo Ran googled it, because he wanted to get rid of him.

Then, he cooked himself some proper dinner, sat down and ate it, and watched anime on his phone.

Then, Mo Ran realized he still has to do the fucking assignment because he never finished that, and was just about to start it, when his neighbour rang the doorbell (Rong Jiu didn’t even wake up for that, and Mo Ran suspected that he might’ve just died, but he also didn’t care enough to go check) asking whether he could possibly help out her brother, since his car broke down, and he really needs it tomorrow. Mo Ran had other plans with his night (jerking off to Chu Wanning's picture online), but she was so nice about it that he couldn’t say no. And also, it’s on him for telling her that he’s a learned car mechanic. So, she took him to her brother’s – by foot, since the buses are so stupid – and Mo Ran got the car going. It took quite a while, too. Her brother isn’t the nicest guy, but his boyfriend is fine. Mo Ran prefers his neighbours to them, though.

Either way, he did get some money for fixing the car, so now he could even pay for a month of anime site subscription. Not that he’s going to, because he’d much rather pirate it and spend the money on booze.

After that, he did get back to the assignment, fell asleep halfway through, and then finished it and sent it in a haze. He’s sure he’s gotten a lot wrong, given his state, but whatever.

At five in the morning, he woke up from a wet dream about Chu Wanning and had to get off in the bathroom.

At six, he got up, threw Rong Jiu out, and started tidying up and cleaning the entire flat because oh, has he mentioned yet that he got a call from student services telling him that someone needs a flat very direly, and that they’d be moving in tomorrow morning?

Because yeah, that’s something that happened.

It’s now eight in the morning, and the flat is the cleanest it’s ever been, probably, and Mo Ran is the most tired he’s ever been. He stretches in the hallway and decides to cook himself breakfast, since he still hasn’t had any. He still has to read something for another seminar today, but that’s only thirty pages. It can wait. Apart from that, he can just spend the day with his roommate that should be arriving sometime soon, show them the flat, talk to them a little, and figure out the situation.

Mo Ran knows what it’s like to be in dire need of a flat, so even if it meant having a bad night and being unable to bring people over the way he wants to, he wasn’t going to say no. Someone needs a home, and, if Mo ran has any say in it, they’ll get a home.

Maybe he should make double the amount of pancakes, in case the other person wants some. Then again, he doesn’t know their allergies, so he’d better hold off on that for now.

He can offer to cook them something for lunch, after all.

Student services never even said their name, nor their gender. Mo Ran just hopes that, if it’s a girl, she doesn’t get scared of him. He knows he can come off as quite rough, but really, he’s okay to live with.

He thinks.

Xue Meng might disagree.

So, he just stands in the hallway for a bit longer, very unsure of what to do. He’s never been particularly good at waiting. What he does, in the end, is scratch his butt.

It’s then that the doorbell rings.

Mo Ran immediately perks up, slaps his cheeks twice because he suspects there’s not a lot of colour in them, and then walks towards the door.

He takes just one more breath and then pulls it open.

In front of him, just outside of his doorstep, is a man.

He wears his long, dark hair in a tight ponytail, not a single hair dangling out of it. Pale skin, maybe even a tiny bit too pale. Thin lips pressed together, angled nose, sharp jaw. He’s wearing dark grey slacks and a light grey button-up, cuffed. Its collar sits high and tight and accentuates an absolutely flawless throat. A pair of ugly glasses hangs down the collar, tucked into it. His shoes are leather shoes, polished. He has several bags on him, and a suitcase. And a carrier, with what Mo Ran assumes to be either a white cat, or a white dog, given the short white fur he can see behind the grid.

He looks back up at the man’s face, bright, greyish-hazel phoenix eyes staring right back at him.

The man takes the door handle into his hand, and then shuts it right back in Mo Ran’s face.

It makes a loud sound given the force behind it.

Every single ounce of sanity Mo Ran might still have left inside of him fizzles into nothingness.

That was Chu Wanning.

That was definitely Chu Wanning right now, looking him up and down, with enough bags to let Mo ran believe that Chu Wanning is about to move in with him.

His throat goes absolutely and utterly dry, and he grabs the door handle to pull it the fuck back open.

He’s still there, looking right ahead at him, some colour on his cheeks now in what Mo Ran supposes could be anger? Embarrassment?

This time, he holds the door in his hand. He’s not going to let Chu Wanning shut it back in his face. Not without an explanation.

(Not without making sure Chu Wanning has a home.)

(…and his pet, he supposes.)

“…Professor,” he stammers, very awkwardly.

Chu Wanning looks at him as if he might just kill him any damned second, and it’s simultaneously the most bone-chilling, and the hottest thing he’s ever seen.

“Mo Ran,” Chu Wanning says, and it sounds more composed than Mo Ran’s attempt at striking up a conversation, yet still stunned.

Okay. One of them has to address this. Chu Wanning is still here, and he hasn’t yet run away.

“You…” Mo Ran starts again, swallowing once to get the scratchy feeling out of his throat, “you… are my new roommate?”

At that, Chu Wanning’s face properly changes colour, but he doesn’t deny it, and Mo Ran thinks that oh. Chu Wanning is very much not angry. He’s embarrassed.

“That’s okay!” he yaps, but then clears his throat once more when it comes out more as a panicked squeak than anything else. “That’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Chu Wanning retorts, as if that should be completely obvious. “You’re my student. I can’t live with a student. I’ll find someplace else.”

He’s right about to turn around when Mo Ran shouts an equally panicked ‘stop!’

It’s not even because he’s hopelessly in love with Chu Wanning, because he wants to ask him why he left, why he never came back, no, it’s just because-

“Do you have anywhere else to go?”

“Obviously not! Do you think I would be so desperate to call student services for a flat if I did?” comes the snapped answer, but, at the same time, all Mo Ran can think is that it sounds incredibly tired.

“…Please,” he says. “At least come in while you figure out where to go.”

“No,” Chu Wanning pushes out from behind clenched teeth. “You’re my student, and that’d be highly improper.”

“We’re not going to-“

-fuck..

Mo Ran stops himself just in time before he can actually voice that.

“Please? I’m not… just come in for a while and let’s see what we can do? Professor, you can’t just leave now.”

Not when you’re finally coming back for me, even if you don’t remember, even when it’s been fifteen years, even when it’s not by choice.

“You have a pet on you,” Mo Ran says, feeling completely and utterly helpless because Chu Wanning is still looking like he’s going to turn around and leave, like he’s going to abandon him all over again, and Mo Ran couldn’t possibly take that.

Not another time.

So, he’s going to weaponize bundle of white fur behind the carrier's grey grid.

“At least let it drink something and get out of the carrier for a while. It doesn’t seem to be enjoying it.”

“She’s leash-trained,” Chu Wanning snaps back, “I can take her out whenever.”

A dog then, alright.

Mo Ran exhales. That didn’t work. He has to make him stay. It’s all he can think, but he’s all out of ideas on how to make him, because Chu Wanning looks so proud, and so convinced that even just talking to Mo Ran inside of his own home would be too improper for him to do. Everything he feels he can do is reach out and physically hold onto him, grab him by his button-up and tear him inside, because he knows he’s already been homeless once and he shouldn’t be again, and-

Just as he’s about to do just that, the door next to them opens, and his neighbour steps out. She stretches in the sunlight once, dressed in a long, white skirt and a mint-blue blouse. Then, she turns around to Mo Ran.

“Oh, is that your friend from yesterday night?” she asks, and wriggles her eyebrows, and whatever panic Mo Ran has felt before increases ten-fold.

Oh no. His neighbour can’t just imply that he’s fucked the love of his life, who also happens to be his main professor, who also happens to be homeless right now and maybe about to move in with him.

She can’t just do that.

Chu Wanning’s glare is now absolutely freezing, first meeting his neighbour, and then Mo Ran himself. Geez, he could actually turn someone into ice with that stare, given just how full of judgment it is.

“Your friend,” Chu Wanning repeats, the word sounding foreign coming from him, drawn out and cold. “There was no need to kick him out for me.”

“It’s not-“ Mo Ran starts, unsure of how to convey to his professor in moderate terms that Rong Jiu is just a quick fuck, nothing more, nothing less, and he’d already stayed for much longer than he was meant to. “It’s not like that. No, he uh, we uhm… not like that. He’s not my boyfriend. Throwing him out was not against his wishes.”

Clearly, the cogs start turning in Chu Wanning’s head at that, because his face grows even sterner.

“Shameless,” he comments, and Mo Ran can’t even argue against it. “I’m going inside.”

Huh?

Mo Ran barely even gets a chance to move out of the door before Chu Wanning is pressing past him, through the frame, with all of his begs and the dog in the carrier.

His neighbour looks at him with something like an apology written all over her face.

“Oh my God. That’s not the guy you railed yesterday night, is it?”

“…No,” Mo Ran says, unable to blame her for her phrasing because that’s a pretty accurate description of what he was doing yesterday evening. “That’s-“

He makes sure to lower his voice, just in case he absolutely loses his mind, not wanting Chu Wanning to hear.

“That’s my professor, actually, who’s apparently about to move in with me.”

His neighbour’s eyes go big, and she gives a nervous little laugh.

“Oh. Oh my God, I’m so sorry for implying you’ve fucked your professor.”

Oh, Mo Ran thinks, she has not a single clue just how much he would love to fuck his professor. In his house, in his office, the classroom as long as no one else is there, wherever. But his poor, innocent neighbour is unaware of just how long he’s been in love with Chu Wanning.

“It’s- not your fault,” he says, and just puts his hand to his forehead to massage it for a little while. “You didn’t know.”

Weirdly enough, she just cocks an eyebrow at him.

“Or do you want to-“

“Oh my God,” Mo Ran hisses at her, but he can’t even deny it, so all that happens is that she grins at him very largely.

“I see. Hmm. I’ll leave you to it, have fun! Sorry for revealing to your professor that you… had someone over last night.”

“That’s fine,” Mo Ran says, even when it’s arguably not, “just- don’t tell anyone.”

“Obviously not,” she laughs, then stretches once more, “alright, I’ve gotta go for a walk, I feel all tired but I have work to do.”

He gets that. They say their goodbyes, and then Mo Ran looks into his own flat. Chu Wanning has moved inside, placing his suitcases and bags and dog in the open door of the unoccupied room. Mo Ran thinks that he probably didn’t hear the rest of his conversation with the neighbour, given they were talking very quietly.

“So… we should sit down somewhere, maybe…?” he starts, but Chu Wanning just lowers his gaze in something like defeat.

“If I could just stay until I’ve found somewhere else?”

It sounds exasperated and tired and like he doesn’t at all want to stay, but he’ll take it.

“Of course!” bursts out of Mo Ran. He notices how eager he sounded, so he clears his throat once. “Of course. Whatever happened- you obviously can’t be homeless, so there’s that. I’m not going to throw you out just because you’re my professor.”

“The only other free flat I could reasonably live in also has a student from the department,” Chu Wanning says, “I just asked. So it’s here or there, so it's not like it matters.”

Okay. Mo Ran’s heart won’t calm down anymore today. Chu Wanning is staying for now.

“You can… stay here. I know you’re my professor and stuff but- whatever. It’s not like I’m going to tell people. I mean-“

Mo Ran doesn’t know what he’s saying, so he just shuts his mouth instead. This entire situation just feels blatantly surreal. Chu Wanning is moving in with him. He’ll be in his vicinity again. And yes, yes, he’s still angry with him, an all these unasked questions are still lingering on his tongue, but first and foremost, Mo Ran is just so happy to have him to himself.

Obviously he doesn’t, not in that way, but to have even just a little bit more of him than other people, that’s everything that counts for now.

“I can’t make you not tell people,” Chu Wanning says. “if I get fired, it’s for a good reason.”

“No! I won’t tell anyone, Prof, I swear! You can just stay. It’s alright. The room’s free, I’m not using it, and I’d rather you aren't homeless when you don’t have to be. Can I ask what happened-“

“No, you can’t,” Chu Wanning snaps immediately. Then, however, his gaze flits down to the carrier.

Ah.

He must’ve had his dog against the contract. Pets must’ve not be allowed.

“Let her out,” Mo Ran says, “maybe in a specific room for now? The kitchen, maybe? It’s pretty small. So she doesn’t get overwhelmed.”

Clearly having been caught about just why he got kicked out, the tips of Chu Wanning’s ears turn red again. Mo Ran wants to kiss and bite them and trace them with his fingertips, ask him to please get his ears pierced because that’d look so good-

Okay.

Maybe living together with Chu Wanning is going to bring a lot of issues with it that Mo Ran has forgotten about for a second. Namely that he’s a horny monster who wants to fuck anything and everything in his vicinity, and especially his former caretaker who now just so happens to be his Mechanical Engineering professor.

He could cry of both joy and the effort of suppressing a boner.

“Yes. Where’s the kitchen?”

“There,” Mo Ran says, pointing at the short hallway leading to his room and the kitchen. “At the end. To the right is my room, then the kitchen. You’re standing in between your room and the bathroom.”

Chu Wanning gives a quick nod, then picks up the carrier and goes towards the kitchen, although Mo Ran overtakes him so he can at least hold the door open for him.

“Can I get you something? I only have black tea, which I know you don’t like too much, but…”

“It’s fine. You don’t need to serve me anything.”

When he says things like that, Mo Ran does wonder whether he secretly hates him. The Chu Wanning he knows never would’ve declined the offer of tea. He might’ve gotten a bit embarrassed about it, but he’d always politely accept – is he such a bad student that Chu Wanning already hates him after such a short time?

Surely that’s not possible. Maybe it is. Mo Ran knows he’s pretty awful of a person.

And then he realizes what this is.

No. This isn’t Chu Wanning declining because he hates him, or because he doesn’t want one, but because…

Mo Ran has no clue. He can’t quite pin it down, but it seems… almost petty? Like Chu Wanning is biting something back?

“It’s no effort,” he starts again, “I want a tea, so I have to make one anyways…”

“If you so direly want to make me a tea, then suit yourself.”

Wow. Okay. Prissy little cat, huh? Yet, it’s not a no. On the inside, Mo Ran smiles to himself a little bit.

He’s changed. He can see that now. He hasn’t changed, but at the same time he’s changed. That’s okay. People change. It still hurts. He wasn’t there for it. He was completely separate for him, because Chu Wanning never came back, never spoke to him again-

He swallows.

“Yeah. I’ll make tea. With milk and honey?”

For a bit, Chu Wanning glances at him with something akin to surprise, and Mo Ran immediately realizes his mistake. He knows exactly that Chu Wanning drinks his tea in two ways – either sickeningly sweet, or pure, depending on his mood. He’s memorized the way he drinks his tea, what sweets he likes the most, and what foods he’s partial to a long time ago, and it’s never really left his mind, his routine. He stammers around a little and then finally comes up with an explanation.

“You mentioned that you prefer green tea when we talked in the cafeteria, so I assumed black tea might be a bit too strong for your tastes… I mean, I was gonna have it that way anyway, so I thought I’d offer-“

“…Yes,” Chu Wanning just says, and Mo Ran is very proud of him for having dodged a bullet here.

Is he trying to hide who he is? No. Yes. Maybe. He doesn’t know. Over the past few weeks, seeing Chu Wanning a few times a week, he’s thought about telling him a lot. He wants to tell him, wants him to know who he is, wants to catch up with him and let him know that the only reason he never decided to end it all was him, because he was holding on to the pure thought of perhaps meeting him again, just once more-

But the fear wins. That stupid fear that Chu Wanning won’t remember him, or will remember him as a nuisance, as someone he never wanted to see again, and god.

Mo Ran can’t stand even just the thought of that being the case.

So, he checks whether his electric kettle (a present on his adoptive mother’s behalf) still has enough water – it does – and turns it on. He grabs the milk from the fridge and the honey and tea from the cupboard. He only has bagged tea, since that’s much easier to handle, so that’s over quite fast.

In the awkward silence in Mo Ran’s kitchen, Chu Wanning eventually opens the carrier’s door, and out comes…

Well.

So that’s not a dog.

He said leash-trained, okay? Why would Mo ran expect someone to leash-train a cat?

She’s very cute though. She immediately jumps out of the carrier and stretches a few times, digging her nails into the hardwood-floor, and then jumping up into Chu Wanning’s lap once he’s sat down in a chair. She does still appear a little scared, but seems to be comfortable enough in Chu Wanning’s lap. She gives a big yawn, her white fur shining just a little golden in the light of the sun falling in through the window.

Mo Ran would also gladly get kicked out of a flat for this cat.

“What’s her name?” he asks, the question having left him before he even realizes him.

“Plum,” comes the immediate, much more open answer from Chu Wanning.

“That’s a pretty name for a pretty girl,” he says, “does she let strangers pet her?”

“…Usually?”

Why does that sound more like a question?

Smile on his face, Mo Ran steps towards Chu Wanning, and towards Plum, and reaches out his hand towards her. She’s just standing in his lap so far, so she leans up to sniff him for a few seconds, and lets Mo ran stroke her from head to tail a few times before she eventually draws back.

Well, that was a yes to the ‘usually’ question Chu Wanning posed.

She definitely lets herself be pet by Mo Ran.

“She’s very cute,” he says. “This flat doesn’t allow pets either, but I won’t tell. I asked my neighbours at one point whether anyone ever comes to check on the flat, and apparently that only happens once a year, and announced, so we don’t have to worry about anything.”

“…Why did you ask that?”

To hide his illegal substances and sex toys, Mo Ran thinks, but doesn’t say out loud.

“Ah, I was just interested.”

“Is it to make sure your friend is gone by the time they arrive?”

Oh.

Even the cat in his lap doesn’t make Chu Wanning look much softer right now; in fact, it just makes him look like an angry cat with a soft cat seated on him, plopping down into loaf shape on his legs right now, and eyeing Mo Ran with big eyes, still, as if a bit wary of him even though she’s already smelled him.

“…No,” Mo Ran says, coughing a little awkwardly, “just forget what the neighbour has said.”

Luckily, the tea is ready right then and there, so he won’t have to keep on explaining who Rong Jiu is (a sex worker, who also does porn and has an OnlyFans, for the record, which he actually makes a very decent amount of money with), and what his relationship to Mo Ran is (Mo ran is one of his longterm clients), and why he spent the night to begin with (stupid buses).

He pours the tea and sets a time on his phone, adding milk and honey to both of their cups. A lot more for Chu Wanning, since Mo Ran did eventually grow out of liking sweet things a little, but Chu Wanning was already seventeen by the time they met, and still very much into sweet things, so he’s going to go ahead and assume it’s the same.

Chu Wanning doesn’t ask again about why he wants to know when people come to check on his flat, or whether they do at all.

He waits a minute and a half and then takes out the teabags, since the tea he has is quite strong. He puts the cups onto the table and then sits down, too.

Plum is still looking at him.

“…Why did you get a cat if they weren’t allowed?” the question eventually slips, unable to not ask. Surely Chu Wanning has a reason, right? He wouldn’t just risk being homeless again after all these years just because he wanted a cat – he would’ve tried finding another flat otherwise, Mo Ran is sure.

However, he clearly didn’t want to be asked, since he bristles. In the end, he gives in, anyways.

“I found her half-dead on the streets.”

Of course.

Because of course that would be the reason why Chu Wanning adopts a cat.

“That’s a good reason to get kicked out, then,” he says, and means it. Mo Ran would have done the same.

Maybe the fact that they both would’ve done the same is enough to assure him that they’re still similar in a way only they will understand.

“Whatever,” Chu Wanning comments. He takes a sip of tea, and, for the shortest moment, Mo Ran sees him light up. Still got the mixture right after all these years, huh? It’s quickly hidden by his usual cold demeanor, until Mo Ran wonders whether he was just making it up.

“…Seriously,” Mo Ran starts again, “you can stay here. You- probably know from my uncle that I’m adopted. I was homeless for a while, as a child. I don’t recommend it.”

And so were you, even if you don’t know that I know. I felt how skinny your ribs were below your thick sweaters. I saw the way you looked at those wonton the first time we cooked together.

Chu Wanning doesn’t respond immediately, it takes a while, a few strokes of Plum’s head, her ears flattening a little under his hand and then popping right back up. She nuzzles into it. How he wished he could be Plum, even if just for a single second.

“Yeah,” he sighs eventually. “Your uncle did tell you. I’ll have to stay somewhere until I find something.”

“Look… if you’re uncomfortable at the thought of living with me, how about explaining the situation to my uncle? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind housing you for a while, either. I know this might look bad on you if someone learns of it, given I’m your student-“

“No,” Chu Wanning says very decisively, “I’m not asking Xue Zhengyong to house me. I don’t need someone like him to live with-“

“Ah,” Mo Ran laughs, “scared he’d take you in as a foster child? Don’t get me wrong, him and auntie have treated me very well all these years, but he can get overwhelming. No need to explain yourself. It’s alright. I don’t like, care about the fact you’re my professor or something.”

“You should care. I care.”

“I know,” Mo Ran says, and gods - Chu Wanning really is a little complicated, isn’t he? “We just won’t leave the house together, and then everything is fine. No one in the department knows where I live, I haven’t really made close friends with anyone there yet. My friends are my neighbour, who you’ve seen earlier, and my two best friends who are older than me by a little. They don’t know you.”

That’s a lie. Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si know Chu Wanning a lot better than Mo Ran would like them to – he’s ought to stop drinking and doing drugs around them.

“If there’s any group projects, I’d do them at the library, anyways.”

Mo Ran doesn’t like people intruding on his space, he finds; it’s part of the reason he was very annoyed by Rong Jiu staying over. Now that he finally has his first own flat, he just wants to relish in that fact, feel the four-year-old boy inside of him slowly grow a little softer.

Chu Wanning is the one exception.

Even if living with him will result in a lot of Mo Ran trying not to cry, trying not to lose his sanity, and trying not to pop boners every other second, probably.

No one is allowed to look so godforsakenly gorgeous with these ugly glasses hanging off their collar, he thinks. No one should look that good in such a strict ponytail, lifting his teacup in the very same way he used to as a teenager.

“You don’t have to go out of your way. I can stay in my office if needed.”

“No need, though,” Mo Ran says, because ugh – will this guy get it through his thick fucking skull that he doesn’t mind? “Just let me know when you leave, and I’ll leave earlier or later. My neighbour’s not going to snitch, she’s too occupied with university and her job to do such a thing. And her boyfriend couldn’t give less of a damn. And I’ve never even talked to the people a house over.”

Hence, they’re also not Mechanical Engineering students. Chu Wanning seems to get that, exhaling quietly and setting his cup back down.

Plum gets up from his lap and jumps down onto the floor, now starting to sniff around the room a little bit.

“I won’t snitch on you, nor on Plum,” he adds. “Anything else you want me to know?”

“…I won’t help you with your homework. I cannot treat you differently from other students.”

“Figures,” Mo Ran sighs, “sorry again for the late assignment.”

Talking about university assignments when Chu Wanning is sitting in his kitchen and drinking from a cup he’s drunk from before feels absolutely and utterly surreal. They should be talking about how deep Mo Ran’s cock could reach into him instead-

Ahem.

He’s totally normal about this man.

“It’s no issue. You had a good reason. Is your neighbour’s brother as obnoxious as her?”

Ah, going for the insults, huh?

“Worse,” Mo Ran snickers, “you’ll get used to her, she does no harm. Just talks a lot, but she’s quite fun. Don’t ever speak about books to her, she’ll try to make you read some awful romance crap.”

“…I see.”

“Anything else?”

“…I usually leave at half past eight,” Chu Wanning says, “you’ll only have to be there at quarter past nine, so you leave later.”

“Got it,” Mo Ran answers. That works. He usually doesn’t leave earlier than nine, anyways.

“I don’t have keys, and I won’t get any since I’m not officially allowed to live here. I usually stay in the office until late.”

“Okay. I have an evening class on Thursdays, so I might be out later than you. I’ll give you the keys if you’re coming back after I leave.”

Mo Ran finds it incredibly hot that he’ll have even an ounce control over whether or not Chu Wanning can leave and come back into the house. Something is so severely wrong with him. He’s fucked in the head beyond belief.

“Knock before you come into my room. Don’t disturb me for arbitrary stuff.”

“Alright.”

He assumed as much.

Something bumps into his leg, and Mo Ran looks down to see Plum stare up at him, retracting her head from his leg. Her eyes are all huge and cute, and he’s laughing and leaning down to pet her before he can change it.

“Oh, you’re so sweet,” he mumbles, nothing like your owner. Or perhaps just as much as him.

“…There’s one more thing.”

Mo Ran looks right back up at Chu Wanning, who’s suddenly biting his lip a little. There’s a distinct amount of colour to his face suddenly, and it appears to Mo Ran that he doesn’t want to actually say it at all.

Part of Mo Ran’s stupidly delusional brain is trying to convince him that Chu Wanning is going to ask whether he knows him, whether they’ve met before, whether his given name is a coincidence, whether they’ve before been in a kitchen together like this, sitting opposite of each other.

The moment feels horribly long; Mo Ran’s entire throat has gone dry with hope and he clears his throat the moment Chu Wanning speaks up, hoping that please, please, if only he remembered him-

“I don’t want to tell you this, but I’m just going to give you the benefit of the doubt,” he starts, his voice trailing off for a bit. “But it’s- probably important I tell you.”

“It’s fine! I don’t judge or anything!” Mo Ran interrupts him, just to earn another little glare from eyes that he wants to stare into all fucking day.

God, he’s in love with this man. Mo Ran is so, so in love with him that it hurts.

“I’m autistic.”

Ah.

“I know.”

“…Excuse me?”

Oh.

That was bad.

Mo Ran blinks and makes sure to make a mental note to slap his own face later – if he doesn’t want to tell Chu Wanning just who he is, then he needs to get ahold of himself and not just say these things.

“Uhm, I just-“ he starts, “I could tell. I don’t- no offense or anything. I don’t care. In the most positive sense, it’s just- I could tell. Like- uhm-“

“Is it that bad?”

“It’s not bad!” Mo Ran clarifies, slapping his hands onto the table a little too hard and a little too eagerly, so that the teacups shake a little bit. He’s even stood up a little bit, so he sits down. “Not bad, not in that sense. It’s just- Some of Ye Wangxi’s- ah, my best friend, that is. Some of her friends are autistic. The other neighbour, too. And I- someone I was close to as a kid was also autistic, so I just knew. Don’t worry about it, I really don’t care.”

He can see how hard Chu Wanning is thinking, and Mo Ran really isn’t sure he saved himself much here. This was awful. That was a god-awful explanation, gods, what the hell?

He’s got to add something.

“I don’t care, really. I could just tell because I’ve been around autistic people a lot. No issues there. I don’t think any less of you if that’s what you’re scared of. You’re fine. Just let me know what I can do to like, not upset you and stuff. Don’t hold back on it.”

Finally, Chu Wanning appears to relax. His shoulders slack a little. He doesn’t meet his gaze, but Mo Ran will take the small amount of relaxation as a win, he thinks.
There’s just no way in hell he can tell Chu Wanning that it was he himself who told him that he’s autistic, who explained to him what it means in the same clear-cut way that he explained how to make wonton.

“I’m probably not like whatever friend you had as a child.”

You’re a lot like him, actually, Mo Ran thinks, but bites it back. The exact same, actually.

“It’s fine. You just tell me what I can do to make you feel comfortable here. I’m like, not autistic, but I also have stuff I don’t want you to do. Also knock on my door at all costs.”

Mo Ran doesn’t need his professor catching him jerking off to a picture of him.

“Don’t light any incense either. I can’t stand the smell of it.”

“Okay,” Chu Wanning says, his face softening a little, as if reassured by the fact that Mo Ran also has boundaries.

“Ah. And uh… I’m not particularly good with spiders. If you see one when I’m not here, and could take care of it, that’d be much appreciated.”

Alright. He wants to make Chu Wanning feel at ease and everything, but this is actually kind of embarrassing to admit. Mo Ran knows he looks like a semi-buff, tall guy with a big dick in his pants, all male and masculine and stuff, so the fact that he’s bad with spiders is actually only known to Ye Wangxi. She’s sworn to secrecy even for Nangong Si.
Of course his family knows, though – he constantly gets the worst of it from Xue Meng about it. As if Xue Meng himself isn’t a coward about anything that has more than four legs.

“Spiders?” Chu Wanning asks, and Mo Ran thinks he can detect a tiny, tiny hint of amusement in his phoenix eyes. “Alright. I can take them outside, I don’t mind. If I haven’t seen it, let me know. I can take care of them.”

“Thanks,” Mo Ran says, an awkward little chuckle leaving his mouth, his cheeks feeling all uncomfortable and hot. “Just… a lot of spiders as a kid. In my clothes and stuff. Not too fond of the memories of finding them everywhere.”

He doesn’t know why he’s telling Chu Wanning this. Whatever. Probably an attempt at making Chu Wanning realize who he is without actually telling him because he doesn’t have the guts to do so. Mo Ran hates himself sometimes.

“Hm. I don’t have any allergies.”

Mo Ran knows as much.

“I don’t need you to do much. Keep your things away from mine, I don’t like my things touching other people’s. Including towels and all that.”

“That’s fine. I’ll move my bathroom stuff in a second. I didn’t think to do that yet.”

“I need the bathroom free at seven in the morning, and seven at night. I can’t… budge on that.”

“Okay! I’ll keep it in mind. Sincerely, that’s no issue at all.”

Strict routine. He gets it. Well, okay, he so doesn’t get it, but it doesn’t bother him.

“Don’t eat any of my stuff. And… don’t bring that friend of yours over, if possible.”

That part is said with the reddest cheeks known to man. Mo Ran has to hold back so hard to tease him about this – oh, everything he could say, ranging from rather tame ‘are you jealous? Wanna become my friend instead?’ to a bad porn scenario of ‘oh my god, professor, don’t tell me you’re a virgin?! I’ll show you’.

Mo Ran decidedly does not voice these thoughts.

“…Figures,” he chokes out instead, his mind going places – namely, it’s going to the bad porn scenario. Chu Wanning, quietly admitting he’s never done this before, because Mo Ran might have a raging virginity kink. Quietly letting Mo Ran lead his hand over his dick, until he gives him free reign to try out what he's learned. Leaning in towards his ears and asking whether he wants it on the kitchen table or the floor or the bed, or in front of the window like a little slut, or-

Alright.

No.

Absolutely not.

Mo Ran cannot say any of these things to Chu Wanning, because not only is he the man he’s hopelessly in love with, but also his university professor that he has in three separate classes this semester alone.

Alas, he cannot possibly risk saying these things if he doesn’t want to get kicked out of university in his first semester.

“…That’s all.”

“Okay,” Mo Ran responds, glad for the distraction from his thoughts that have by now shifted to vivid images of Chu Wanning, undressed, on the very table they’re drinking tea by right now, cups fallen to the floor, high-pitched moans- “If anything more comes up, just let me know. Do you need any help unpacking?”

“No. I don’t like my things touched.”

Right, that makes sense. Mo Ran drinks some more of his own tea, then tries to give Chu Wanning a smile.

“Okay. I’ll go take care of the bathroom, then?”

“Hm.”

…Alright, conversation over. Mo Ran got the clue. He sips some more tea, then puts it back down and gets up, looking at Chu Wanning once more. By now, he’s looking at his tea, not at Mo Ran. Holding it steadily in his hands. He looks so out of place in Mo Ran’s flat. He’s definitely still the same height he was back then, just that he looks so small now that Mo Ran has grown.

“Ah, Professor?”

‘Wanning’ nearly slipped his lips at the familiar scenery. His heart aches.

“Yes.”

“If you get hungry, there’s leftovers in the fridge. I didn’t have a lot of time over the past few days, so it’s just some sscallion pancakes, but… frankly, I’ve been eating them for two days, and I have enough of them, so they’re all yours. Take it as a welcome gift, okay?”

He knows that Chu Wanning likes them. It’s one of the first dishes Mo Ran learned how to make when he got into cooking - Chu Wanning was still there for that. Maybe it’ll reawaken some memories.

Maybe it’s another desperate attempt of finding out whether Chu Wanning remembers him.

“You don’t need to play maid for me.”

“Right, right,” Mo Ran laughs, “I genuinely don’t want them anymore, though. If you don’t eat them; I’ll have to throw them away, and that’d be a waste, so just eat them, alright?”

His only answer is a grumble, so Mo Ran steps out of the room eventually, and takes a very, very deep breath.

Chu Wanning is moving in with him.

He actually can’t believe it. Chu Wanning is sitting his house. His bags are standing in the door still, and his cat is currently sniffing out the corner between the fridge and the wall, tail high up in the air as if she finds this place quite alright.

He’s back with him.

Whatever anger he still feels at the fact that Chu Wanning doesn’t seem to know who he is, he shoves it back down for just a second.

Chu Wanning is back with him. He’s living with him again, right here, right now. He’s in his flat.

It takes everything for Mo Ran not to start crying, but luckily he receives distraction in the form of a small, brown spot on the wall.

He squints a little, already grabbing the flyswatter from the small sideboard placed in the hallway, and approaches his fiend.

He recognizes what it is on first glance – a little smaller than an inch, brown wings, triangular shape, the middle of its body a lighter brown, He swats it before it can get anywhere.

Mo Ran’s adoptive mom and him (as they handle the kitchen together at home, although Mo Ran has been taking it over more and more in recent years) have had a food moth infestation before, probably having carried them in with some potatoes from the store. He doesn’t need one here. He knows for a fact everything is clean, because he has a few moth traps everywhere here. He’s too traumatized from when that happened and they had to throw out all the good food, and Mo Ran is quite sensitive to throwing away food – so this one must’ve flown in through the open window or whatever.

Or…

He looks at Chu Wanning’s bags, and then at the dead food moth on the swatter, and cocks an eyebrow.

Could it be that he didn’t just get kicked out for the cat?

Whatever other reasons there might be, and whether it’s related to the food moths, Mo Ran has to tidy up the bathroom still and move some of his stuff to make sure Chu Wanning feels at ease here, or at least as much as he reasonably can, given the fact he’s going to be living with his student.

Mo Ran is just going to pray that this stays the only food moth he will see for the rest of his life.

(In the kitchen, Chu Wanning marvels at the fact that there isn’t a single brown moth on the wall, and that he can have a spice cabinet without fearing that its infested with maggots. And, to him, that alone is enough to make him feel just a little at home.)

Chapter Text

Over the past few hours, Mo Ran has just been listening to Chu Wanning unpack. There was some noise from the room over; not unnecessarily loud, but enough so that reading his text was a little bit hard.

…His text wasn’t the only thing that was a little bit hard. The pure thought that Chu Wanning is just a room over is driving him nuts. Okay, he managed half of the text. That’ll do for class, he’s sure. He’s got the main points. He thinks.

In all honour, Mo Ran isn’t the most intelligent. He’s not stupid, or at least that’s what people keep telling him. Once he understands something, he truly understands it, but before that, stuff just takes him quite a while to figure out sometimes.
For now, he’s managed to not get off. He’s still running the risk of Chu Wanning knocking on his door to help him out with something any second, although he seems very adamant on doing everything on his own.

At one point, it quiets down. At six, Chu Wanning does knock on his door and asks for the keys, wanting to take Plum for a walk. She’s literally on a leash and everything, and Chu Wanning looks all serious about to take a cat on a walk. Mo Ran can’t believe him. But Plum looks all excited, and Chu Wanning stares at him as if he might kill him if he so much as dares to laugh, so Mo Ran hands him the keys and laughs once he’s left the flat instead.

God. How could he not be in love with this man, when he takes his small white cat on walks around the house? How could he not be in love with Chu Wanning after all of this?

For a while, he just stands in the hallway, laughing a little bit to himself and blatantly ignoring the fact that Chu Wanning both doesn’t remember him, and will obviously never love him back.

At ten to seven, Chu Wanning returns. Mo Ran hears the key being placed on the sideboard, the door shuts, and at point seven, he makes for the bathroom. The shower turns on.

Fuck.

Mo Ran is so going to get off in the shower afterwards while showering himself, to the smell of Chu Wanning’s shampoo, under the running water so that he makes sure Chu Wanning doesn’t hear anything. How high is the chance that Chu Wanning ever forgets his used underwear after a shower? Probably not high. Goddamnit.

Fifteen minutes later, he leaves. Mo Ran goes in and does exactly what he thought he would do. He washes the subsequent guilt down by drinking water straight from the tap and then splashing cold water all over his face and naked chest. Then, he gets dressed and decides to eat dinner. He only microwaves some cheap buns he’s bought in case he doesn’t feel like cooking. Chu Wanning ate the scallion pancakes at one point while he was unpacking; the box was already washed up and drying the last time Mo Ran went into the kitchen. At least that.

He eats his dumplings, then goes back to his room, even when every single nerve in his body is screaming to talk to Chu Wanning, but he doesn’t want to scare him off.

He’s close to him, Mo Ran tells himself. That’s enough, Mo Ran tells himself.

Except that he knows it isn’t.

He should be eating with Chu Wanning. He shouldn’t be listening to the kettle boiling, the door clicking, and then later clicking again when Chu Wanning is done with his dinner and retreats into his room.

Only then does Mo Ran wash off his bowl, not spotting any dishes. In the trash is only a small cup of instant noodles.

Was that his entire dinner?

It’s not Mo Ran’s place to comment on his professor’s diet, but that’s not enough.

At least he had the scallion pancakes.

Mo Ran has no idea how he’s meant to sleep.

*

Mo Ran doesn’t sleep. Okay, sometimes the time passes very fast when he looks at his phone, an unanswered message from Xue Meng always staring back at him that he hasn’t yet felt mentally ready to open since he was preoccupied with, well, his literal professor and crush moving in with him. He must’ve slept, he thinks. Luckily, he still has an Energy Drink, so he drinks that for breakfast. He doesn’t see Chu Wanning in the morning, because he showers before Mo Ran even gets up, and by the time Mo Ran makes himself breakfast, he’s already left the house. He wonders whether he can reasonably offer Chu Wanning breakfast, but his face is relatively thin, so he might not say yes even if he does want it.

When Mo Ran eventually arrives in the classroom, Chu Wanning is long there. He doesn’t even give him a glance when he comes in, nor when he sits down right in front of him.

…And right next to Shi Mei.

Mo Ran still dislikes him a lot on the sole account that he also knows Chu Wanning, and that Chu Wanning very obviously remembers him. Apparently, they were even talking before he came in.

“Good Morning,” Shi Mei says to him though, so Mo Ran does requite it; Ye Wangxi (and his multiple therapists) have taught him a lot about how sometimes, you have to play nice, especially when you know your dislike of someone is completely irrational.

Really, Shi Mei is nice. He hasn’t done anything wrong, either. Mo Ran is just so peeved by him knowing Chu Wanning, and overall probably having spent more time with him than Mo Ran has.

But it’s fine. He can play nice. Sort of. He’s going to try his best, alright? Mostly just so he can tell Ye Wangxi that he didn’t go off on Shi Mei for yet another day, and then she’ll look at him all exhausted yet praise him, and that’s going to be enough for Mo Ran to live for another day.

Except maybe not, because previously, Chu Wanning wasn’t his roommate.

“You look tired. Did you not sleep well?”

Mo Ran carefully glances up at Chu Wanning when Shi Mei asks him that; but there’s no reaction on his face whatsoever.

“Ah… not really, no,” he laughs, hoping to end the conversation as fast as possible, however, Shi Mei just has to choose to go on with it.

“Did something happen? Were your neighbours too loud? Truthfully, I didn’t sleep that well either, I got woken up by my older brother’s boyfriend at like, half-past six today. Said he was thrown out by someone he stayed over with.”

Mo Ran freezes.

Chu Wanning, too, looks at him now, then mechanically turns his eyes back to Shi Mei.

“Hua Binan has a boyfriend?” he asks, but Mo Ran hears the hidden question below this seemingly innocent one louder than anything else. ‘Is his boyfriend perhaps a sex worker who got kicked out by Mo Ran last night?’

Mo Ran might just kill himself on the spot.

“Ah… well, it’s more of a situationship, I think? I’m not entirely sure, he’s closed off, you know that… you can never really know what he’s thinking. All I know is that Rong Jiu- ah, his boyfriend, for that matter, does… you know, uh…”

“Sex work,” Mo Ran finishes the sentence for him, and Shi Mei doesn’t really appear to get the hint that Mo ran needs him to shut the fuck up because he knows Rong Jiu, just taking it as him helping him pronounce the word he doesn’t feel very comfortable pronouncing.

Chu Wanning’s lips have drawn into a very, very tight line. Well. Chu Wanning now knows that yesterday night, he’s fucked Shi Mei’s brother’s boyfriend.

Yeah.

He might really just kill himself.

“Yes. That. Haha… I’m not very sure what I think of him so far. I’m going to give him some time. So, Mo Ran, any reason you didn’t sleep well? Or just a bad night?”

“Ah… truth be told,” Mo Ran laughs, “I got a roommate yesterday morning, and it was a little out of order, and he was kind of mean to me, so I’ve been a little worried about whether we can live together…”

“You got a roommate? This far into the semester? So I’m the only one who doesn’t have one now?” Shi Mei asks, some disbelief in his eyes.

Mo Ran gives another glance up at Chu Wanning. Staring him to death. See? Being mean to him. Just proves his point.

“Yeah… it seemed to have been an emergency, but he won’t really talk to me about it. He didn’t even thank me when I so generously offered him my scallion pancakes… so yeah, ah, I’ve just been a little worried.”

“Maybe you would make less mistakes in your homework if you spend less time gossiping about your roommate and s- those kind of workers, and more time studying.”

Both Mo Ran’s and Shi Mei’s heads fly up to stare at Chu Wanning at that statement, however, his face just looks incredibly stern as he pulls some pages out of his bag, and then hands them to both Shi Mei and Mo Ran.

“Here. Shi Mei, your mistakes have been repeating for the past two weeks. Please go over them again and come to my office hour if you don’t understand so I can go over it together with you. Mo Ran, you got half of it wrong. I understand that you had a stressful time, but you still need to keep up your work. The same goes for you. Office hours.”

As if to emphasize that he should under no circumstances ask him at home.

Because they share a home now.

The thought makes Mo Ran all tingly and stupidly excited again, so much that the scolding goes straight over his head. With a single glance at the sheet, he also sees that the calculations are just wrong because he typed the wrong numbers into the calculator while his brain was addled with sleepiness and horniness. That’s okay. That’s nothing that would happen during an exam.

“I got it! I’m sorry,” Shi Mei says, “I’ll review them today.”

“Hmm,” Mo Ran makes, and can’t help a small, sleazy grin coming onto his face when his and Chu Wanning’s gazes cross, “my roommate seems to be quite good at maths, actually, so I might just ask him.”

Oh, if looks could kill, Mo Ran would be dead on the spot.

Clearly noticing there’s some tension here that Shi Mei doesn’t know about, he looks in between the two, and then instead smiles at Mo Ran. It looks something between honest and fake.

“You should put effort into learning things yourself, Mo Ran! That’ll be much more beneficial in the long run.”

“Hmm. Sure,” he makes, very non-committedly, “but maybe it could get a conversation going between me and my roommate?”

“I’ve already told you,” Chu Wanning says, “less gossip.”

Alright. Mo Ran gets it. Chu Wanning really wants him to shut up about him. Fine, fine, he’ll cut him some slack for now, it’s just – he’s so pretty when the tips of his ears are all red. He wants to kiss his ears so badly. Wants to reach up, tuck some hair behind them and, oh, if he could kiss his lips, even just once.

Just once.

(He’s lying; once wouldn’t be enough. Twice wouldn’t be enough. A hundred times a day wouldn’t be enough, either.)

“Okay. I’ll review it by myself,” Mo Ran eventually says, “…but not today. I need to get a proper night of sleep first.”

“Prioritizing your health is always good,” Shi Mei agrees with another beaming smile – he’s very pretty, Mo ran will give him that.

Chu Wanning doesn’t say anything else, but the red on his ears stays; As sneakily as possible, Mo Ran tries following the slight blush with his eyes so that Chu Wanning cannot possibly realize just what way Mo Ran is looking him.

Because what he needs Chu Wanning to know even less than the fact he’s fucked a sex worker – who happens to be the boyfriend of someone Chu Wanning has also taken care of, given he’s Shi Mei’s older brother and thus must’ve been in the same orphanage – is the fact that he, in fact, wants to fuck Chu Wanning even more.

*

Mo Ran has just blocked Rong Jiu on every single platform he has and unsubscribed from his OnlyFans – not the first he’s done that, but this time, it’s for good. Not that Mo Ran thinks sleeping with sex workers is bad as long as it’s all ethical and stuff. He pays well. He makes somewhat sure Rong Jiu is okay with what’s happening, but Rong Jiu is down for everything ever, so that’s not an issue. No, the issue he has is with him being the boyfriend of Shi Mei’s big brother, who had also once been in Chu Wanning’s care.

Right when he closes the tab, he hears the front door open; just two seconds later, there’s a knock on his door, and Mo Ran stares at his wall in despair for a few seconds before he gets up and opens the door for Chu Wanning.

…And for Plum, because she walks past Chu Wanning and into Mo Ran’s room, pressing her head against Mo Ran’s leg, the rest of her body following, and then she walks into his room to go explore it, he thinks. He’d love to lean down and pat her, but under Chu Wanning’s stern eyes, he certainly doesn’t dare to.

God, the cat is so cute. If Chu Wanning does end up moving out, he’ll make sure to steal her.

“Mo Ran. What was that.”

“Huh?”

Mo Ran blinks at him.

“Don’t play stupid,” Chu Wanning says, and dear Lord, his voice is dripping with venom. He looks actually angry in ways that Mo Ran has never seen. He didn’t use to be this way. At all. “You know what I mean. If you hate living with me so much, tell it to my face, and I’ll leave. No need to do it in front of Shi Mei.”

“Well, he doesn’t know you’re my roommate-“

“He’s the other one with a free room.”

“You wanna move in with him, then?”

It’s left Mo Ran’s mouth before he could stop it, and he knows he sounds less angry than Chu Wanning, but still way too angry. This would not make Ye Wangxi proud, he thinks, so he bites back whatever else he wants to say. Chu Wanning is right. His teasing was out of line. So, he makes sure to speak back up before Chu Wanning can.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that stuff, you’re right. It wouldn’t be good for your job if anyone figures this out. I won’t do it again.”

“No,” Chu Wanning says, “I don’t want to move in with him.”

It takes a few seconds for Mo Ran to process that. Him and Chu Wanning stare at each other, and it’s Chu Wanning who is the first person to break eye contact.

“Huh? But I thought you know him. Wouldn’t you rather live with him, then?”

“…Why do you know that?”

“Uh-“ Mo Ran can’t get any words out, so he clears his throat first. God, this is so awkward. Who’d have thought that juts being in the same vicinity as Chu Wanning all of a sudden would be so horribly awkward? He’s going to just try his best to be normal; don’t let him know what’s really going on right now. “I asked him at one point, because it seemed like you know each other. So, uh, Shi Mei just told me you worked… at his orphanage or something. I mean, Uncle also later said something similar, so…”

“Whatever,” Chu Wanning suddenly scoffs, looking into the room and towards Plum, who’s now sniffing out the door of Mo Ran’s wardrobe, looking quite pleased with herself. Now the question is just whether she likes the smell of his laundry detergent, the stash of snacks on the first shelf, or the sheer amount of sex toys and lube he has stored away in it.

“No, I don’t want to live with him, precisely because of that. He’s both my student and someone I have previously taken care of, so that’d look even worse. At least you're only one of those things.”

Oh, Mo ran thinks, if you only knew.

“Yeah,” he makes instead, “that makes sense. But still- you’d probably prefer it.”

“I don’t mind Shi Mei as much,” Chu Wanning clarifies, “but I mind his brother.”

“What’s wrong with him? Dating-“

“The guy you had over two nights ago?”

Ah, okay, Chu Wanning really doesn’t hesitate to put the finger in the wound and swoop around in it these days, huh?

“Ah… look, like I said, it wasn’t ever anything serious, and truth be told, he’s the only sex worker I ever-“

“Do not,” Chu Wanning says, putting up his hand and slightly holding it out towards Mo Ran, “tell me about these things. I’m your professor, so if you could stop forgetting that.”

Well, actually, Mo Ran wants nothing more than to forget all about the fact that Chu Wanning is his professor and carry him into his room to then fuck him really hard on his bed.

Maybe lock out Plum before. Mo Ran hasn’t had sex in front of an onlooker yet, actually (as far as he knows, that is), and he thinks that even with a cat, he might still feel a little uncomfortable.

“Right. Anyways, no need to keep bringing it up, really! What’s the matter with him then?”

“He was never nice to anyone but Shi Mei and me. Shi Mei is just fine, but Hua Binan is a whole thing to himself.”

“…But what did he do?”

Suddenly, Chu Wanning’s ears once more turn a little red, and Mo Ran’s mouth drops open.

“He tried to flirt with you.”

“Wh-“

“Did he or not?”

“Well-“

“Oh, he totally did.”

“Hence- anyways, that’s long past, and he clearly moved on from whatever misguided infatuation that was,” Chu Wanning concludes, and Mo Ran just quietly laughs to himself a little bit. Well, Shi Mei’s older brother seems to have moved on – not Mo Ran, though.

“Okay, I won’t ask anymore,” Mo Ran says thus. “But yes. I’ll stop saying these things. You’re right. I’m sorry. Do you accept the apology?”

For a little, Chu Wanning looks very stunned at Mo Ran’s understanding, and at the very clear attempt at communication. He fidgets around with his hands, quick motions of clenching them into fists and unclenching them and, ah, that makes him look much more like that nervous seventeen year-old in Mo Ran’s memory.

“Yeah,” he forces out in the end. “Thank you.”

“Huh? For apologizing? No need to thank me for that, ah, it was my own fault after all. It’s better that you came to confront me instead of just-“

“The scallion pancakes.”

Oh.

Oh God, he’s actually thanked him for them. Did he genuinely take his teasing to heart? Mo Ran suddenly feels actually bad, while before, he just found it mildly amusing that he’s so easy to tease, but this?

Chu Wanning saved his life. If he makes him scallion pancakes, then that’s not even the least he could do.

It feels like that small ‘thank you’ goes right to his heart, pierces right through it and then settles inside of it, as if everything Mo Ran really and sincerely needed to break was for a tiny, tiny flower inside of him to be watered just once.

“There’s… no need to thank me. I was just joking about it,” he says, realizing suddenly just how unusually meek his voice sounds now. “If you ever want me to make anything else food-wise, you just let me know, really. I like cooking, so it’s no issue.”

“No thanks. I’m going to have dinner now, there’s nothing more to say. Just…”

He throws another glance into the room, specifically at Plum. She’s still standing in front of the wardrobe, just staring up at it all focused.

“I’ll leave my door open so she can leave whenever,” Mo Ran laughs, "don’t worry about her. I’m not gonna eat her.”

“I did not think you would.”

Not giving him any other chances to explain that he was joking, Chu Wanning turns around and leaves, heading straight for the kitchen.

So, for now, it’s just Plum walking back towards Mo Ran, clearly expecting some pets given the way she bumps her head into him multiple times, the sound of the water boiler as Chu Wanning assumably opens another package of instant noodles, and the feeling in Mo Ran’s heart at Chu Wanning thanking him for his pancakes.

Even just the marginal notion of Chu Wanning sort of wanting to keep living with him, even if it’s just because Shi Mei’s brother once made him uncomfortable, is enough to reassure him that something can come of this.

That Chu Wanning doesn’t dislike him, that this time, he might be willing to stay for just a little longer.

*

Mo Ran comes out of the bathroom from his shower (right after Chu Wanning again. This time, he restrained himself and didn’t get off to the smell of Chu Wanning’s shampoo, though) and into the kitchen, ready to cook himself dinner now that all his responsibilities of the day are out of the way.

It’s been four days since Chu Wanning moved in with him. Apart from the first two days, it’s been… fine so far.

Surprisingly fine.

Chu Wanning keeps to himself. He comes back only at six at night, goes for a walk with Plum, gets showered, has dinner, and disappears in his room. Mo Ran tried waking up earlier the past two days, and thus learned that he seems to leave the house at half past seven at the moment. Mo Ran has yet to gather the courage to get up before him and maybe spend some time with him. The only time they really meet is when Mo Ran goes to shower after him, and then Chu Wanning makes himself dinner.

'Dinner' is an exaggeration.

Makes himself cup noodles. At least it’s not the same kind every day.

Seriously, though. Mo Ran can excuse a seventeen-year-old being unable to cook. A thirty-two-year-old that apparently can’t even make simple dishes? He has much less of an excuse now.

Ah, fuck. Chu Wanning is thirty-two years old. That’s so fucking hot.

Whatever – what matters is that this is day four of Mo Ran walking in on Chu Wanning standing in front of the stove, clearly waiting for the water to boil, about to rip open his instant noodle cup and Mo Ran just can’t take this anymore.

His own insecurity and Chu Wanning’s pride be damned, he can’t do this anymore. He takes a deep breath, and then-

“Stop.”

Chu Wanning turns around to him, already furrowing his eyebrows in anger.

“What?” he scoffs.

“Stop. Don’t eat that.”

“And who are you to tell me what to eat and what not to eat? May I remind you that I’m your-“

“Professor,” Mo Ran finishes his sentence. “I know, and I don’t care. Don’t keep eating these when I’m right here and I can just cook for both of us.”

“Mo Ran,” he starts, but said Mo Ran doesn’t let him finish.

“No. I’m cooking tonight. This is unhealthy. You need a proper diet, and daily cup noodles are not a proper diet. I’m cooking. Sit down. I’ll have something ready in latest an hour.”

Chu Wanning however doesn’t budge, and, as if to taunt him, rips open the noodles. The water boiler clicks, signaling that it’s finished boiling the water, and Mo Ran does the only thing he can think to do.

He steps up to him and snatches the open package away, and dumps it right in the trash. He’s fed up, okay? Chu Wanning is living in his house, and most of what they’ve done when they were younger was cooking together, and Mo Ran just… he just wants to do it again.

He just wants to make sure Chu Wanning doesn’t hate him, wants to make sure he remembers, wants to see whether he might mention something, anything.

But, he notices, first and foremost, everything he truly wants is to take care of Chu Wanning and make sure he’s alright.

The look of astonished shock on Chu Wanning’s face is something Mo Ran knows he’ll be getting off to for days, imagining it to be Chu Wanning looking at his dick instead, but that’s irrelevant for now.

“You-“

Luckily, it’s then that Plum enters the room, and clearly Chu Wanning doesn’t want to get caught screaming by his cat. However, the pure look of anger on his face remains.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asks at a normal volume instead, and you know what – that might just be scarier.

“I’ll cook for you. Sit down or help, whatever. I’m making gyoza,” he says, since he put the wrappers out for defrosting earlier, “you’re not eating cup noodles again for as long as you live here.”

“You have no-“

“Right to tell you what to eat, yeah, yeah,” Mo Ran says, and maybe he sounds a little mean about it. He’s allowed to be, alright? Chu Wanning left him. And now he has him back, but not actually, so of course Mo Ran would be upset and everything. Whatever. Let him be.

“There’s no need to play housemaid for me!”

Plum jumps onto a chair, yawns, and stretches. For a bit, Mo Ran is quite concerned that she might fall down, but she doesn’t, curling up into a ball instead.

“I’m not playing housemaid for you. I enjoy cooking, and you need to eat literally anything but these stupid noodles. If you can’t cook, then fine, but then I’ll be doing the cooking for the two of us. Are you hungry or not?”

The answer comes with a comically timed grumble of Chu Wanning’s stomach, loud enough to make even Plum turn her fuzzy little head and look at him. Chu Wanning looks back at her. Then at Mo Ran. And, clearly very humiliated, comes the passive-aggressive answer.

“Fine. But I’m helping, because you’re not my housemaid.”

See? Easy. There they go. Cooking together again. Mo Ran could cry. Even if Chu Wanning is kind of being a little bitch right now – something tells him a lot of this isn’t actually him being angry with Mo Ran, but just false pride.

The tense atmosphere doesn’t leave when Mo Ran grabs the tofu, cabbage, mushrooms, carrots, and onions from the fridge. And the cucumber for the salad. He hands all the vegetables to Chu Wanning and looks at him.

“Here. You can wash them. Assuming you can do that?”

And maybe, just maybe, Mo Ran says the last bit with a teasing edge to his voice that he didn’t intend to be there because he remains down so bad for this man.

Opening his mouth but eventually not saying anything, Chu Wanning snatches the tofu and vegetables away from him and gets to work.

Gyoza. Bad decision. That’s just wonton in a different font – oh, why does Mo Ran love to torture himself like that?

(“Because you have Borderline Personality Disorder”, his therapist would say, “and you think you’re unworthy of anything good, so you try to desperately hurt yourself in an attempt to search repercussions for things you did and didn’t do. You’re trying to recreate the past so desperately even though things change, and that’s not-“

“Necessarily a bad thing,” Mo Ran concludes for his head-therapist, “I don’t fucking care.”)

Meanwhile, he grabs a pan, and puts some oil in preemptively, then grabbing all the ingredients. He reaches for the chili flakes, and then stops.

Chu Wanning can’t eat spicy things.

Instead, he just grabs the soy sauce, miso, sesame oil, ginger, and garlic. He was fine with ginger. Mo Ran remembers that. As long as it’s in small amounts. Then, he gets a cutting board, the peeler, and a big knife, which he kind of considers killing himself with for just a short moment because that’d spare him the pain of living together with the love of his life but not being allowed to touch him, and then turns towards Chu Wanning, waiting for the first ingredient to be passed his way.

And waits.

And waits.

And waits, as Chu Wanning carefully washes every single leaf of the damned cabbage he’s holding in his hand right now. His fingers slide through the cabbage’s… folds, for lack of a better word, diligently rubbing the dirt off the ridges, eyes all concentrated and focused on the task at hand as if he’s building a machine. His fingertips sensually disappear into the cabbage again.

Mo Ran stares at him in a weird mixture of awe and utter despair. This is not how you wash a cabbage at all. It’s probably a good thing that you don’t need to wash storebought minced meat, or else Mo Ran would’ve grown up thinking that you have to cleanse every single piece of that, too.

…And also, if he could not fingerfuck a cabbage, that’d help greatly with Mo Ran not getting a boner, actually. God, does he touch himself like that? Does he ever touch himself, at all, so stuck-up and pristine like he is? Has someone else touched him like that before?

“…W-“

He stops himself just in time, just before the name slips, breath hitching in his throat as panic sets in.

When he asks Chu Wanning what he’s doing instead of just saying “Wanning”, it comes out way harsher than he’s meant to.

For a second, it seems like Chu Wanning might shrink back, but he doesn’t; he just closes his eyes in annoyance instead.

“Look, fine, okay, you’re right! I can’t cook! What do you want from me?”

“Just… the cabbage is clean. You don’t need to be so… thorough.”

You need to stop trying to make the cabbage have the best orgasm of its life, is what he really wants to say but doesn’t.

(And besides, he could instead be making Mo Ran come instead, okay, fine, alright, he’ll get his mind out of the gutter now.)

(…Which poses quite the challenge given it’s Chu Wanning who’s standing in his kitchen.)

“Fine,” he says, dumping the cabbage on the cutting board and instead grabbing the cucumber. “…How much is enough, then?”

Mo Ran exhales in relief when he clearly becomes a little bit more pliant and open towards suggestions and advice, even when there’s a stupidly pretty blush on his face. He needs to kiss his cheeks. God. His entire body just fucking yearns for this man.

“I don’t know. Just a few seconds. Make sure you’ve had gotten it all wet and like, roughly rubbed it a bit. That’s enough.”

Then, silence. At least on the outside – on the inside, however, Mo Ran is screaming at himself. Is he stupid? What fucking phrasing was that? Make sure you get it all wet, roughly rub it a bit – god, ramming that kitchen knife into his intestines is becoming more and more appealing by the second. This sounds like an innuendo. Nothing more and nothing less, even when Mo Ran genuinely just wanted to teach his Mechanical Engineering professor that lives with him how to wash vegetables.

Chu Wanning’s hands stop moving for a while, as if he’s thinking the exact same thing – maybe not, though, because a second later, he turns the water back on, his cheeks going back to their usual pale colour.

Mo Ran is decidedly not going to watch him wash a cucumber though, so he instead focuses on the cabbage as much as he possibly can and starts chopping it.

The next ten minutes are spent just washing and chopping vegetables and tofu, even if Mo ran is already quite fast at that. He puts some of the cabbage and the cucumber into a bowl and makes a mental note to prepare the salad once the gyoza are in the pan, then dumps all the vegetables into the pan, seasons them, and starts frying.

They could’ve in theory eaten rice with this, but he also knows that the amount of filling is going to make for a lot of gyoza, so it’s probably just fine.

It smells very good, though. Chu Wanning seems to agree, because his stomach makes another small noise, and he exhales a sigh, as if relieved that he’s soon going to have some food.

“I can handle the rest. Go take care of Plum, she’s been staring at you the whole time,” Mo Ran says, and Chu Wanning just shoots him another one of these glares, but then crouches down in front of his cat and starts petting her.

Soy sauce already in hand, Mo ran stares at the two of them instead of making the sauce. Chu Wanning’s motions when he pets her are so soft, so much softer than his usual demeanor. There’s none of that teacher-look about him anymore, his hand stroking her from head to tail a few times, and then instead crawling her behind her ears. After a few seconds, there’s a gentle purr, not even drowned out by the sound of the sizzling vegetables and tofu.

This all high-and mighty professor, already at the age of thirty-two, so young for someone of his profession, but as soon as a cat is involved, he’s all soft and sweet? And he’s with Mo Ran right now?

Whatever.

Then Chu Wanning hates him.

Mo Ran doesn’t think he can quite bring himself to care as long as he gets to see him and cook for him and just make sure he’s alright.

That’s everything he’s ever really needed.

His name is still on his lips, and he wants so badly to call out to him. To ask whether he really doesn’t remember. The only thing he ends up saying instead is:

“Do you want to help wrap the gyoza later?”

“…No. I’m not good at that. I can only wrap wonton.”

“Alright. Just wonton? Isn’t that rather specific?”

Chu Wanning only gives a small shrug as an answer, and doesn’t talk about it anymore than that.

Mo Ran accepts that. It’s fine.

Only then does he stir the vegetables and add a small amount of soy sauce to the pan before he gets to the sauce.

It doesn’t take long until everything is fried enough. Then, he gets to wrapping the gyoza, and once that’s done, he puts them into the pan and makes the salad.

Meanwhile, Chu Wanning has gone back into his room, and then come back into the kitchen, casually sitting down opposite of Plum, with a book in hand.

And then, he’s just reading in Mo Ran’s vicinity. Mo Ran laughs a bit when he sees just what it is.

Mo Ran doesn’t know any German, no, but he can tell that the book is German, and he can also tell that it’s a children’s book. The cover has three kids on what’s clearly meant to be a farm of some kind.

“What?” Chu Wanning asks, and Mo Ran flips the gyoza before he bothers answering

“Oh, I just think it’s funny. Seeing my professor that’s so strict about everything I struggle with even just a little bit have such a hard time understanding a German children book.”

“Shut it. Learning a language is hard.”

“Do you know any other languages?”

Chu Wanning stares at him with the most deadpan expression known to man.

“English. Chinese. Japanese. Latin. French. Some welsh. Some german. In theory I can read Sanskrit. I haven’t in some time.”

“…Welsh?” Mo Ran squeaks, mostly because he’s shocked at the sheer amount of languages Chu Wanning is apparently fluent in, alright, fucking hell, there’s a reason he’s a professor at his young age. But welsh being one of them?

“I did the duolingo course.”

“Ah… I see.”

Of course Chu Wanning would be a duolingo person. Mo Ran tries to act surprised, but it’s hard. Of course Chu Wanning would. His streak is probably some really insane number.

“Uncle told me you’re learning German for a kid at the orphanage?”

“…Yes,” he says eventually, “your uncle needs to stop talking about me. I’ll make sure to tell him that.”

“Nah,” Mo Ran laughs, “it’s quite interesting learnings these things about my professor. How long’ve you been working at orphanages? Isn’t it way too exhausting for the fact you’re a professor?”

The how long question has one goal, and one goal only. Mo Ran flips the gyoza, and hopes that it hides his trembling hands.

Apparently, Chu Wanning has long resigned to the fact that he’s going to talk about himself one day.

“It’s not that bad. I still manage all my work. I can work there, too, during nightshifts.”

“…And since when?”

“Ever since I was seventeen.”

He remembers at least that, okay. Ever since he was seventeen. Fifteen years ago, when Mo Ran was five, and-

“The gyoza are done,” he announces, pure fear suddenly gripping him, absolutely terrified of the possibility that Chu Wanning might start talking about that annoying kid from back then in any way, shape or form. “We can eat.”

“Hm,” Chu Wanning makes, kind of non-committedly, but the little flick of his eyes upwards at the stove betrays him. He’s hungry.

Mo Ran doesn’t want him to be hungry, so he swiftly prepares two plates of gyoza, two bowls of salad, and two smaller bowls of sesame-soy sauce for the dip.

“Here you go,” he says, putting down Chu Wanning’s plate, and then his own.

On his chair, however, Plum is still sitting, currently cleaning herself. Mo Ran smiles a bit and tickles her head, then settles on moving the chair – together with her – a little bit so he can at least kneel opposite of Chu Wanning.

“Well, this has gotta be my place,” he sighs, “I can’t push her off. That’d be mean.”

Plum doesn’t even thank him, just gives him one small look and then continues licking her paw very fervently, toes spread apart, pink beans on full display.

Instead of answering, Chu Wanning just grabs his chopsticks instead and grabs the first gyoza.

Way too invested in what Chu Wanning will think of his cooking these days, he waits for his reaction, not daring to eat yet himself.

The way he bites into the gyoza can only be describes as gingerly, careful, as if scared he won’t like the flavour or something, but Mo Ran kind of just knows he’ll like it. The only spiciness to it is the soft heat of the ginger, and not even Chu Wanning will mind that.

Indeed, his face lights up even just in the slightest; the corners of his mouth twitch, and Mo Ran has a feeling that, if he had cat ears, they’d be standing all high up in the air right now.

“Is it good?” he asks, watching as Chu Wanning chews slowly, then swallows, looking at the half-eaten gyoza between his chopsticks.

“…Edible.”

That’s as good as it gets.

“Alright! We’ll definitely still have leftovers tomorrows, so I’ll just make some rice and reheat them for tomorrow night. Is that okay?”

“…You can have them to yourself.”

“No,” Mo Ran says, hoping that his tone conveys he won’t budge on this, “I’m cooking from now on. Breakfast too. I’ll get up at six tomorrow and have something ready before you leave.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Chu Wanning says, but it sounds horribly half-hearted, drowned out by the sound of him stuffing the rest of the small dumpling into his mouth, in between his lips.

“Whatever, then I’m ridiculous,” Mo Ran says, “better than watching you eat these disgusting instant noodles every day.”

“I won’t grade you better even if you cook for me.”

Mildly offended, Mo Ran laughs before biting into his own dumpling, finally.

“This is so not what this is about. I don’t care if you give me bad grades. Well, I care, but I’m not offering to cook for you to get better grades.”

“What is it about, then?”

Oh.

Yeah, Mo Ran phrased that really poorly, didn’t he? The time it takes to chew and swallow gives him enough time to think of an answer, at least.

“Just take it as a thank you for being allowed to be graced with the presence of my favourite ever little girl,” he says, bringing his free hand to Plum’s head again. “If there’s anything in particular you want me to make, just tell me and I’ll make it, professor.”

As expected, Chu Wanning doesn’t propose any dishes, but maybe they’ll get there at one point.

For now it’s just the sound of Chu Wanning eating quietly, Mo Ran eating much more loudly, and Plum next to him, on his chair, brushing her paw over her ear repeatedly now that Mo Ran has let go of her again.

Chu Wanning eats more gyoza than he does.

Chapter Text

“You’ve been different lately.”

“…Have I?”

Chu Wanning stares in absolute horror at his coworker, who just kind of vaguely smiles at him, which is actually just even more terrifying than what she’s just said.

“Yeah. I mean, you smiled today. It scared one of the kids, actually.”

That makes an awful lot of sense, considering that Chu Wanning never really smiles unless it’s around Plum. She’s just so beautifully stupid sometimes, running into doors as if she could pass through them. But anyway – of course him smiling would scare one of the kids when he almost never does it.

“I’ll try not to smile then,” he says, and makes sure his face is even more stern than usual, but it just makes his coworker laugh instead.

“No, no, smiling is good. Did something good happen?”

Actually, no. Only multiple bad things happened. He got kicked out of his flat because of what’s almost classified as bioterrorism, actually, and then got a roommate, who turned out to be his student. His student that he’s in love with. He hates the thought, he really and sincerely does – but he can only fool himself so much. And Mo Ran makes him smile and feel all stupidly warm inside, and it’s not like he wants to be, but the guilt about it eats away at him anyway.

And it’s meant to be something negative. He’s meant to hate it, and it’s meant to make him have worse moods, but Mo Ran makes being in love so stupidly easy. So, really, isn’t Mo Ran at fault for this? He offered to cook for him, and Chu Wanning only agreed because Mo Ran basically forced him to. He threw away his dinner, okay? And if his student has been cooking for him for a week and a half now, then isn’t that between them?

…And if Chu Wanning barely finds the time to look for new flats (or at least that’s what he tells himself) then isn’t that between him and himself?

It’s just bad that being around Mo Ran raises his mood. It’s bad that he doesn’t mind him being around, and that he likes his cooking, and that he doesn’t even drain his energy. All of that is inherently bad, because he’s not mean to be in love with his studenty.

“No. Nothing good,” he says eventually, and he’s not exactly going to tell her of his problems, because while they’re maybe kind of friends, they’re not nearly close enough for him to confess something to her that could get him fired.

However, since she clearly doesn’t believe him, he forces himself to add something.

“Well. I’ve been having a lot of good food.”

That’s not implying he has a roommate, right? He might just have been out and about. Maybe Xue Zhengyong brought him his wife’s cooking, because he does that sometimes, when it’s nothing spicy.

That’s something else that has been confusing him about Mo Ran – every time Mo Ran does only cook something for himself (because sometimes, Chu Wanning does eat takeout), he cooks spicy. But, as if he knew that Chu Wanning can’t stand spice, as soon as he’s involved, he doesn’t.

Xue Zhengyong must’ve told him.

And, of course, that’s just another point as to why he’s fallen in love with his student (he cannot emphasize enough that it’s his godforsaken student). Because he’s kind, and caring, even if he gets angry or sarcastic sometimes. Deep down, he wants to make people feel at ease, and he manages doing so.

Including Chu Wanning, who has never felt at ease in his entire life, possibly.

“Ah, that makes sense. Good food helps a lot. Either way, it’s good to see you a bit happier. How’s your book going?”

“Pretty well,” he says, and finally zips up his bag, previously too stunned to finish packing his stuff, “I just need to do the rest of the citations and then send it off for publishing.”

And that’ll seal his work contract for another few years most probably, unless someone magically figures out that he’s fallen for Mo Ran.

“That’s great! If you ever can’t work for a weekend, just let us know. Since you’re not being paid anyways.”

“It’s no issue,” he says, and shoulders the bag, “I’ll see you next week.”

“Yes, bye bye!”

He walks out of the kitchen and makes for the exit of the orphanage, but there’s immediately footsteps behind him, and he turns around.

…Feeling a smile tugging at his lips, oh no. His coworker was right. He suppresses it.

“Wanning! When’s your next shift?” the girl asks in German, and Chu Wanning slowly crouches down a little. She’s just four, so she’s still really small, and he doesn’t want her to feel any less just because of her height.

“Next Friday. I don’t have any classes this Friday.”

He can’t say that it’s because of a lecturer from another country coming to teach at the same time as him instead, so the students can go there instead, because he lacks the vocabulary, frankly. He really needs to hurry up with studying German. Even if she’s of course meant to learn the language, Chu Wanning still wants her to have someone she can talk to in her mother tongue.

…Maybe, now that Mo Ran’s moved out, Xue Zhengyong could adopt her?

God, there’s no way he can possibly ask him to adopt a whole child, even if they're friends.

“Ah, okay! I’ll miss you. Can’t you come back earlier?”

“No, I have work,” he says, but leans over to ruffle her hair a little.

She does remind him of him, just a little. And he has before considered gifting her that plushie that he never got to gift him, but… he’s not sure he can. He’s not sure he can forget those eyes when they looked at him, all betrayed when he left, looking after the taxi as it drove away, and-

He swallows. That’s not for now.

(Except it is, isn’t it? Because he’s about to go home to Mo Ran, and Mo Ran made him scallion pancakes and dumplings and knows he doesn’t like spicy food, and Chu Wanning knows it’d be a stupid coincidence, that it can’t be him, because Mo Ran would’ve long brough it up, that it’s just a false hope he has because there’s no way he could find a child from fifteen years ago.)

“Eh… fine…”

Nonetheless, she quickly hugs him, or at least tries to, a little too small to do so effectively, just landing her face in his stomach instead, since he’s still crouching.

He won’t give her that husky plushie. But he’ll give her another one, once he’s downtown again to pick something himself.

Rubbing her back first, he then slowly peels her off him.

“I swear I’ll be back on Friday, alright?”

“Alright,” she says, albeit a bit meekly, her eyes a little red-rimmed. Chu Wanning knows that some of the kids don’t like him, but kids like her make it absolutely worth it, and that’s going to be enough.

(Except for when he left him and didn’t make it in time and he wasn’t able to get his new address or any contact information, since he wasn’t working at the orphanage anymore. Left him. Forever. When he promised him he’d be back.)

One last time, Chu Wanning ruffles her hair, and then leaves.

He can’t lie.

Even if he’ll miss her for the next four days, he’s hungry. He wants to go home. He wants to go home-

(-to Mo Ran.)

*

The front door of their flat is open, Chu Wanning sees when he takes the next corner. Their neighbors are sitting outside, the girl sketching away in a notebook, and the guy(?) reading something that looks like a textbook. Since they don’t have any chairs, they’re just on the floor; in front of them are two bottles of soda, and pretzel sticks.

They look so comfortable around each other, and, somehow, that hurts a little. He can imagine himself and Mo Ran like this, but obviously he can’t allow that. The most he allows himself is sit in the kitchen together with him when Mo Ran is busy cooking, because he can explain it away as him trying to be there in case Mo Ran needs any help.

As if he could help around the kitchen, at all.

Mo Ran did not appreciate how he washed his cabbage, looking so genuinely angry with him over that. Well, maybe not angry – it was an emotion Chu Wanning couldn’t quite interpret. Either way, it must’ve been negative, so there’s that.

When he gets closer, the girl looks up at him and waves.

“Hi!”

Chu Wanning wants to say ‘hello’ back, but he still feels a little uncomfortable about their first encounter, so all he eventually manages to do is give a short, awkward little nod.

She doesn’t really seem disturbed by it but just smiles. Her boyfriend just looks up at him and gives him an equally uninterested nod, and suddenly, Chu Wanning kind of understands what Mo Ran meant that one time when he told him he’s obviously autistic. With some people, you can really just tell. And that might not be such a bad thing.

…Even if Chu Wanning hates himself for being autistic, he doesn’t hate others for it. And he knows it does have its perks, because otherwise he probably wouldn’t be a professor, but well – if he wasn’t, he might have the energy to clean up after himself.

Or to not forget when to eat.

Or to not have meltdowns if he has to travel anywhere.

Frankly, he’s surprised he hasn’t yet had one, even though he literally moved. It’s probably helped by the fact that the flat is so small he can barely feel overwhelmed with it.
And because of Mo Ran, but he’d rather not think about that.

So, Chu Wanning walks through the door, and is immediately faced with his own door also being wide open. There’s quiet but very… hardcore music playing, and Mo Ran is standing in his room, mopping the floor, humming along.

Well, he thinks to himself, he can get angry with him in just a few seconds. First, though, he needs to deal with the way his heart lurches at the sight, how his knees go just a little weak and how his fingertips tingle, how he wants nothing more but step towards this man and get hugged by him, and that nearly feels worse than all the other thoughts he’s had about him so far. While he also can’t deal with those, there’s something much more intimate to him about wanting to get hugged. Everything else he can explain away by saying that it’s just bodily functions making him feel that way, but not this.

There’s no bodily function that relies on hugs.

He hates every single thing about this.

Nevertheless, for now, it’s time to get angry, and so, Chu Wanning struts into the room with large steps, drops his bag on the bed, still standing in the dry part of his room, and crosses his arms.

Only then does Mo Ran look up.

“Mo Ran,” he says, and the way he pronounces his given name makes himself wince a little, because there used to be someone else called the same. But that sweet child is most certainly not the man who just breached every single one of Chu Wanning’s boundaries in one smooth swoop.

“Hm? Ah- you left the door open, and your room smelled and looked really bad, so I thought I’d take care of it, since I was cleaning anyways.”

“Mo Ran!” he repeats, because how the hell is this an explanation for anything he’s just done? So what! This is Chu Wanning’s space, not Mo Ran’s. And even if he had accidentally left the door open, that still doesn’t excuse Mo Ran intruding it. If anything, he should’ve just closed it, or put a shoe in it or something so Plum can leave.

Plum.

“Where’s Plum? You can’t just leave the front door open!”

However, Mo Ran just points at the windowsill, where Plum has seated herself in the sun, eyes closed.

“Don’t worry! I’m faster than a cat. I’ve caught my aunt’s multiple times in the past already. I’m good at that. Besides, she’s way too reliant on you, she wouldn’t leave. Seriously, I wouldn’t let her get away. No worries about that, please.”

“That doesn’t change the fact you’ve just tidied up and cleaned my room without asking – and I would not have agreed to it!”

“Oh,” Mo Ran says, “like I said. It looked really bad and needed some fresh air. Surely you don’t enjoy living like this?”

Truth be told, Chu Wanning doesn’t, but how can Mo Ran just completely miss the point like that?

“What I mean is that I have a certain privacy, and that includes you not randomly going into my room and touching my stuff!” he shouts, then remembers that the door is open and their neighbours can probably perfectly hear their argument right now. Whatever. He can’t really bring himself to care, not when Mo Ran blinks so innocently, like he’s never done anything wrong in his entire life.

Which isn’t true, because he’s slept with the boyfriend of someone Chu Wanning used to take care of. Who is also a sex worker. Chu Wanning is aware that’s how the world works, but the industry is by no means ethical, so he can just hope this Rong Jiu guy is. He’s thrown him out, even. Also he makes the dumbest mistakes known to man. And he threw away his instant noodles. Every single aspect of Mo Ran is all about invading his life, apparently, and he hates that so much.

Except he doesn’t, and he hates himself all the more for not hating it.

“Oh… yeah. Well, uh- look, prof, I just don’t need mold in the flat, alright? And frankly, given the humidity here, it wouldn’t have taken long anymore. The same goes for any kind of bugs, considering your entire trashcan was full of food. Well, crumbs and that stuff, but you get me. We’ve had food moths in our kitchen back at home, and I’m not putting up with them. Nor with more flies than we’re bound to get once it gets really hot, anyways, and that kind of trash belongs in the kitchen’s bins. So it’s either you cleaning up after yourself, or me doing it.”

Chu Wanning very pointedly ignores the food moth comment.

“You will not be doing this again,” Chu Wanning hisses and approaches him, his shoes leaving footprints on the bits of floor that are already wet. “Get out. Right now.”

Like some kind of hurt dog, Mo Ran lowers his head a little and looks at the mop as if the mop is responsible for him getting screamed at and not he himself.

“But… the floor.”

“Get. The hell. Out.”

He is very much pissed, and he doesn’t know whether Mo Ran is trying to evoke pity in him or something, but he’s not having it. He’s not having Mo Ran rearrange his things.

Although, with a look around, he has done so carefully; all the books from the floor are now neatly placed on the desk and shelves, according to topic. Any kind of food is in another shelf, lined up, divided into sweet and salty.

At least Chu Wanning doesn’t leave his clothes lying around, and his laundry basket looks untouched.

Also, the fact Mo Ran apparently sorted his trash-

Oh.

He dsorted his trash.

Right when Mo Ran, head still lowered like a dog that has just gotten rejected by its owner, slowly walks towards the door with the mop in hand, the bucket standing on the outside of the room, Chu Wanning grabs his arm.

Which he shouldn’t have done, because it makes him realize just how stupidly muscular this guy is once again, which gets these thoughts to bubble up for just a second, but he pointedly shoves them the hell back down.

“Mo Ran,” he says, letting go of him as if he’s been burnt because he might as well just have been, unable to bar the insecurity from his voice. “You took out my trash?”

“Huh? Yeah. Like I said. Sorted it and took it out, because I’m not putting up with mold and vermin in my house.”

“Sorted it,” Chu Wanning repeats, starting to feel incredibly dead on the inside. All his anger slowly but surely fades away into anxiety and then into an insecurity much more deep-seated than his autism.

Because at least Huaizui never berated him for being autistic – not directly, at least, but sometimes when he showed the more negative aspects of it, he certainly wasn’t nice about it. But not like this.

And even if Mo Ran has slept with a man, that doesn’t change the fact he might not-

It’s so stupid. The reason as to why he even bought it, is just because-

God, Chu Wanning hates to think about the fact he had to buy pantyliners because those thoughts got to him a bit too much, and he’d find his underwear uncomfortably wet at times. When he wakes up after dreams of kinds he never had before, when he eats dinner with Mo Ran and he makes it look just a little too lewd, even during class when they were having group projects and he may or may not have looked a little too closely at Mo Ran’s smile and hands and upper arms.

Chu Wanning, of course, knows that it’s a natural thing. It happens. The body cleans itself, whatever, but recently it’s gotten so much worse simply because of Mo Ran. Because he wants him and that’s bad in so many ways.

So, yes, he has had to buy pantyliners again after years of not having a period and needing neither them nor proper pads because he went on HRT when he had just turned seventeen, simply because he gets all hot and bothered about his student.

Great.

That’s certainly something he did, and he also certainly dumped the box into his trash because he has a small metal case for such things and also prefers not to look at the way it’s clearly targeted towards women.

“…Yes? I sorted it. Should I… not have? Well- I mean, yeah, sorry, I probably shouldn’t have, I should’ve asked you, you’re right, that was a breach of privacy, I’m so sorry-“

“You saw.”

“What? The amount of crumbs in the cookie box? The candy wrappers?”

He’s playing stupid. He’s totally making fun of him. Of course he’s seen it, and he has to know what he’s referring to, because Mo Ran may make stupid mistakes, but he’s not stupid, Chu Wanning has understood that much by now. He’s an incredibly talented young man. He picks up on most social cues, and when he doesn’t respond to them, Chu Wanning finds, it’s because he actively decides against it.

But he’s not stupid.

“Don’t act like I’m stupid!”

“Huh? Genuinely- prof, I have no clue what you’re talking about right now.”

He must have a clue, though, Chu Wanning thinks, and god, this guy drives him up against a wall in so many ways. Whatever. Shame be damned. If Mo Ran is already making fun of him, then he should be able to do so openly, at least.

“The- hygienic products.”

Because he’s not going to say the words ‘panty liners’ out loud to a student of his.

“Ooooh,” Mo Ran makes, and just gives a short shrug. “What about them? Don’t worry, I don’t care what things you need in the bathroom!”

He sounds so unbothered. He might not be understanding just why he owns them (god, what if he thinks he's incontinent because he's so old?), and suddenly, Chu Wanning feels an absolute desperate need to just tell him, as if he needs his acceptance or whatever, and that makes him sick to the bone. He wants to know whether Mo Ran could ever love him, even if this is what he’s like. And he knows the answer is a clear and definitive ‘no’ because no one could love him. Not like that. And yet.

“You should care!” he bursts out, and Mo Ran blinks at him.

“Uh- why? What do I care whether you use those or pads or tampons or whatever-“

“No! You should care that I’m trans!”

“Why the hell should I care?”

“Because-“ Chu Wanning starts, but his mind- it doesn’t exactly come up empty, but it comes up only with reasons that he doesn’t dare voice out loud.

“Because what? It’s bad to be trans or something? Please, my best friend is trans. Shi Mei is trans. Our neighbors are both trans. Whatever. I don’t care. Like, I mean, I care in the sense that there’s hopefully no transphobia in the world anymore at one point, but like, I don’t care. So you’re trans, whatever.”

He’s so casual about it. It makes Chu Wanning unsure of whether to panic, or whether to fall in love with him even more.

“No, but- didn’t I lie to you?”

“Lie to me-“ Mo Ran repeats, and then even laughs, putting the mop down and instead stroking some loose hair out of his own face. “About what? You never said you were cis. I didn’t assume you were-“

“What.”

“Well, come on now, prof. I’m queer, my gaydar’s working, my transdar’s also working, my best friend has basically only trans friends apart from me, I just knew.”

“Your- what’s working?”

“My gaydar,” Mo Ran reiterates, as if that would explain literally anything. “Like, you know. Gay and radar. Gaydar. Queer people being able to scout out other queer people. Ah- don’t get me wrong, nothing indicated it or anything. You’re fine. You look like a guy ‘n all. I just- knew, I guess. For no reason other than vibes.”

Anything more than swallowing, Chu Wanning is unable to do. Gaydar. He didn’t realize that was a thing. Of course, sometimes he can tell people are queer, when it’s very obvious. People in awkward stages of transitions. Openly flamboyant gay men. Adult women holding hands in the streets. But Mo Ran for example? He had no idea he’s slept with a guy until it came up. He didn’t know Shi Mei is trans until he came out to him all scared and teary-eyed. He didn’t even suspect that both of their neighbours might be trans. With one, he was just kind of unable to tell their gender and called it a day.

“You’re just making things up,” he says, but Mo Ran shakes his head.

“Nope. Ask the neighbour, she’ll tell you the same. Look- if you’re genuinely uncomfortable living with me, you can still-“

“I’m not moving in with Shi Mei,” Chu Wanning says, hating how resolutely it comes out. He likes Shi Mei. Sincerely, he does. But he can’t move in with him.

“I mean, you can tell him to not have his brother come over?”

“No. I’m not moving in with him. If you want to get rid of me, just tell me.”

He refuses to tell Mo Ran, but he did omit something when he implied what Hua Binan felt for him. Namely, that, in the same breath, Hua Binan also told him that Shi Mei is apparently also in love with him, which is horribly misguided, and Shi Mei obviously deserves better, but Chu Wanning also just feels terribly uncomfortable with it. Shi Mei later also admitted it, not knowing that his brother had already told Chu Wanning, and Chu Wanning rejected him. Obviously. Because he would also reject Mo Ran because he’s his student (or at least that’s what he’d like to think). But, for both of their sakes, Chu Wanning is not going to move in with him.

“No, no, genuinely, you can stay. I don’t care. I’m- I was just saying, if you feel more comfortable living with another trans person- but I swear I’m not transphobic! I swear! I don’t care if you still have a period or if it’s just for hygienic reasons! I mean, I kind of care, but-“

Chu Wanning holds his breath, and his mind finishes the sentence for him as ‘but I care because I want to see you naked’, and he nearly slaps himself for it. He needs his mind to stop. He needs to stop. No one wants to see him naked. He has to get ahold of himself.

“But I care in the sense that, you know, if you do still have a period, I could try to make you whatever food you crave or something?”

Because deep down, Mo Ran just cares.

One more point to that.

“I don’t,” Chu Wanning sighs. The fight starts to leave him, and he instead takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders. “It’s whatever. I’ll keep trying to find a new flat. Just don’t enter my room without asking, even if the door is open.”

“Yeah- I’m sorry. You’re right. I thought I was doing you a favor, since- you keep anything else clean, so it doesn’t seem to me like you want to live like that, so I just assumed you might not have the energy, given you teach and obviously do your own research, and also work with the kids over the weekends, so- but you’re right. I should’ve asked.”

“Yes. You should’ve.”

“I know,” Mo Ran mutters sheepishly, “I don’t know. I don’t mind cleaning. Are you still mad at me?”

“Kind of.”

“Can I make it up to you?”

He isn’t disgusted with him because he’s trans, that’s already making up enough. But His low self-esteem isn’t for his student to concern himself with.

“Don’t make the same mistakes again on the next worksheet,” he says instead, “that’ll be enough of a repayment.”

“Okay. Still. You’re right. I didn’t really consider it as a breach of privacy, but you’re right. I feel- kinda bad about it.”

“Whatever.”

“Can I at least cook something for you? Do you want anything specific tonight?”

Playing maid again. Chu Wanning has long given up trying to tell Mo Ran to stop doing that. Yet, it’s stupidly hard to tell him off because his food is just so good. It’s possibly the best food he’s ever had, and that makes it incredibly hard to resist.

He may hate himself for this, but also Mo Ran did make a mistake, so Chu Wanning does want to give him a chance to make up.

“…Snowflake cake.”

“Ah, sure! I mean, not for dinner then, but for dessert. I’ll just make fried noodles for dinner then so it won’t take that long? Any preferred fruits for it? Or matcha-flavoured?”

“…Some kind of berries. Whatever’s on sale. I’ll pay.”

“Nah, it’s fine, keep the money. I’ll just go to the store then, okay? I’ll be back in half an hour and then get straight to work. Ah, you could finish mopping your floor if you don’t want me to do it.”

Mopping his floor. Yeah, he can do as much, he watched Mo Ran for a few seconds, that’s got to be enough. It seems like a rather logical tasks. And the mop is still wet, anyways, so it’ll just be cleaning the other half of his room.

“…I’ll just do it. Just step back so I can finish, it’ll be dry in no time.”

And with that, Mo Ran gently shoves Chu Wanning out of the room, as if having realized that Chu Wanning has never before mopped a floor, which okay, fine, that might be the truth. He’s just not going to tell him that. Once done – and Chu Wanning still standing awkwardly in the door, trying his best to look at Plum stretched out on the windowsill instead of at Mo Ran, his arms flexing and unflexing, humming a bit to the music, even though he picks up his phone and turns it off once he reaches it, then puts the mop into the bucket and stares at Chu Wanning.

Because he’s in the way.

Chu Wanning makes a kind of undignified little noise and steps away so Mo Ran can walk past him.

“Ah,” Mo Ran suddenly makes, pointing at the kitchen. “I placed that plushie you’ve got on the kitchen table ‘cause I didn’t want to accidentally get it wet. Ah- it was more ‘cause I’m used to it, to be honest. Xue Meng always cried when we were younger and I got his plushie’s wet-“

“I’m not your little cousin,” Chu Wanning says, but deep down, what he really feels, is gratefulness. That plushie is very dear to him. Because he’s still holding onto the stupid hope that he’ll see him again someday.

He should call the orphanage again and beg them once more to just hand him the contact information. Not that they legally can, but whatever. Worth another try, maybe there’s a new intern who doesn’t know.

Whether he’s still in the system is the other question. Chu Wanning doesn’t even know whether he’s gotten adopted for good or whether he ended up back at the orphanage; although then, they would’ve probably told him, since he could’ve then visited him normally. And surely they’d have told him. He was on okayish terms with the workers – not on as good terms as with his co-worker he was with today, but good terms nonetheless.

He hasn’t called in some months. Maybe it’s about time again.

“Whatever. He’s on the kitchen table. Got him from one of the kids?”

Just deciding that the plushie is a guy, huh?

“No,” he says, and watches in absolute horror as Mo Ran’s face shifts into something like a- a smile. A really, really soft smile. It goes straight to his heart, and all that love inside of him bubbles up until he’s scared of it spilling out, scared he’s going to say something that gives him away, or even just show it on his face because it feels like it must.

“It’s yours, then?”

So desperately, Chu Wanning wants to believe that Mo Ran is mocking him by smiling, making fun of him, but that smile is sincere. Even Chu Waning with his very limited social skills can see that.

He’s asking genuinely. As if he’s happy to learn that his frigid, strict, ugly professor owns a husky plushie.

“No,” he says before he can help himself, because even if Mo Ran isn’t mocking him, it doesn’t mean Chu Wanning won’t still be embarrassed as hell.

“No?”

“It’s- it’s meant for someone. I want to gift it to one of the children I took care of.”

“Shi Mei?”

“No. What’s your obsession with him?” Chu Wanning sighs, and feels like he’s dodged a bullet. He doesn’t want Mo Ran to keep asking, because his inability to see him one last time is one of the few things that Chu Wanning still feels actively hurt by, something he can’t rationalize like the other things that hurt him.
Because to everyone, he’s just a strict teacher, and to most kids, he’s still scary, still old and ugly and frigid and aggressive no matter how much he tries to be, but he has always seen him as something else. That maybe he’s someone worth being around.

And he left him and probably hurt him and, let’s face it, he probably hates him.

It’s part of the reason Chu Wanning is so sure that, despite their shared names and the fact they both really like cooking, they cannot be the same person.

Because the first thing that boy would do is tell him who he is, and then scream at him for all the ways he’s hurt him, for all the promises he’s broken.

Hell, Chu Wanning wants him to do that, if they ever meet again. Maybe then, he’ll finally feel just a tiny bit less guilty-

“Me? Obsessed with Shi Mei? No, no, none of that,” Mo Ran says, “he’s- no, not like that. He’s pretty and all but- no, no, not at all-“

“Not like that,” Chu Wanning scoffs, because Mo Ran clearly took this the very wrong way.

…Except not really, because that way, Chu Wanning at least has the confirmation that Mo Ran isn’t in love with Shi Mei, which does very much feel like a victory to him.

It shouldn’t, because he’s never going to act on these feelings. And even if he explicitly wanted to, he couldn’t because of his job.

So it’s whatever.

(Still. Feels like a triumph.)

“Never mind that. No, it’s not for him. I haven’t seen the child in a bit, that’s all. I’ll give it to him when I next see him.”

Which might be never, but this is something Chu Wanning can’t talk about. Not with his student who he’s not meant to be close to because he’s about to move out anyways. It’s just that it’s hard looking for flats because he’s very busy.

“Alright. I’m sure he’s going to be very happy,” Mo Ran says, that smile still on his face.

Then the smile does fade suddenly, and his expression grows a little graver. And, suddenly, there’s a hand on his shoulder.

Mo Ran’s hand.

On Chu Wanning’s shoulder.

His legs actually go weak right here and right now, and he has no idea how he keeps standing upright when Mo Ran’s broad and very strong hand is on his shoulder; he doesn’t outright grip it, but it’s not just lying on it, either. Appalled, he looks to where Mo Ran’s body and his meet, and even if he’s just touching his shoulder-

His fingers are so long. He can see the veins on the back of his hand. There’s a small splash of ink on the back of his hand – does he still use fountain pens?

Chu Wanning had never thought he would ever be so horribly attracted to someone’s hands. But now that he’s imagining them reaching down, down, down his arm and to his wrist and hand, and then back up, and then down his chest and stomach, all the way into his pants and-

No. Stop.

God, how is Mo Ran so warm? Why is heat suddenly thrumming through Chu Wanning so, so strongly? His knees are actually going to give in, he thinks, but he doesn’t. The heat radiating off his hand alone is insane. It doesn’t help any of the feelings inside of Chu Wanning right now.

He’s just touching his shoulder, he shouldn’t be so-

“Look. I’m really sorry for overstepping. It won’t happen again. If you need help cleaning up, though, then let me know. I really don’t mind, I’m not expecting anything in return. Just leave the mop there, I’ll take care of it. I just want to go to the store first since I don’t want to land in its rush hour once the evening shift people get off work. That okay?”

Not having anything else in him, Chu Wanning nods. Only that.

He sighs in relief when Mo Ran’s hand finally disappear.

“Okay! It’s almost seven, so I’m assuming you’ll shower first and then go out with Plum?”

“…I’ll just take her to the yard for a bit,” he says, his own voice sounding distant and unlike himself, like he’s running solely on autopilot. His heartbeat is starting to accelerate, and he’s so acutely aware of that right now.

“Okay! Alright, I’ll just put on my shoes ‘n leave.”

And put on his shoes and leave, Mo Ran does.

Leaving Chu Wanning standing in the doorway, the floor of his room slowly starting to dry, while something else is getting horribly wet.

He could cry.

This is the exact reason as to why he bought panty liners to begin with. It’s terrifying, the though that his body is reacting to Mo Ran like this, that all he can think about when Mo Ran touches him this casually is that, as if Chu Wanning even has any idea of what he’s meant to imagine.

It’s then that Plum jumps down the windowsill of his room, but letting out a little surprised wail at the wetness at her paws, so that she jumps right back up and looks at the floor as if it’s killed her.

Usually, he’d snicker a little at that, now that Mo Ran is also out of the house, but not right now.

Not when he takes one step forward, and feels the friction of his underwear when he’s pretty sure he’s never noticed that before, the first year on testosterone excluded.

He wants to touch himself.

The realization is alarming, to say the least.

Chu Wanning, now that his student has put a hand on his shoulder, wants to touch himself, and because he’s last done that fifteen years ago, and it was over in the span of a few awkward touches and thus maybe a minute or two because HRT just did that to him, he doesn’t even know how to.

Even if he in theory would very much like to masturbate right now, he doesn’t even know how, and if that doesn’t summarize his entire life, then what does?

He knows Google exists, really – the issue with that is just that he’s horrified someone might find his phone and somehow find out what he’s googled on even incognito mode. If he’s paranoid, then fine. Whatever. Better safe than sorry.

Mo Ran is coming back in half an hour, too. Where would he even do it? His bedroom, with Plum in it? Their shared bathroom?

God, has Mo Ran ever- under the shower, or whatever- he’s young, he’s slept with this Rong Jiu guy, of course he does these things. He must’ve done this while Chu Wanning was around, right? He seems like he might just be shameless enough.

Even if he’s trying so hard to judge Mo Ran for possibly having masturbated in his direct vicinity at one point, the thought just makes the feelings worse, and Chu Wanning very decidedly steps towards his wardrobe – never mind the wet floor.

He’s getting himself a change of clothes, and then he’s taking a cold shower. People in shows do that when they struggle with this, right?

Of course he’s had sex education, but only for men and women, not for himself. He knows how it works for guys, he thinks. But he- well, he’s a guy, but he’s still trans, and he’s still disgusting as hell for that even if Mo Ran doesn’t seem to think that way.

He smiled at him.

The memory of that isn’t helping his current predicament, and with every step, he feels his underwear actively clinging to him. His cheeks are burning, and his heart is beating so, so terribly fast, and god he needs to get undressed and shower the coldest he possibly can.

He needs to be mentally prepared for whenever Mo Ran comes back.

*

Forty minutes later, Chu Wanning has showered, taken Plum outside for a bit, Mo Ran has come back, and he has seated himself in the kitchen because against better judgment, Chu Wanning still wants to be with him.

Even if he’s his student.

Even if he’s put in a panty liner in case this happens again. He still doesn’t know why a single touch of his hand set him off this much.

But it’s fine, because the cold shower helped, and that’s all he really needs.

If this is what he has to put up with just to spend some time with Mo Ran as he cheerfully mixes the ingredients the snowflake cake, then maybe that’s… almost worth it?

His co-worker was right.

He’s happier, because he’s in love with his student who’s cooking for him and cleaning for him and earnestly apologizing when he makes mistakes. Who’s placed the husky plushie on the table, so that it’s now lying next to Chu Wanning’s German book, spread open so that he has something to concentrate on that isn’t the stupidly muscular youth in front of him, whistling a little when he pours the pink mass onto a baking tray, and then straight up throws it into the freezer. Chu Wanning is pretty sure it belongs in the fridge, but Mo Ran definitely knows better than him, so he’ll let him do his job.

“So that it can cool down a bit faster and we can eat it faster. I’ll put it into the fridge after fifteen minutes. It’s already kind of cold anyways, so.”

As if he’s read his mind, because that’s just how Mo Ran works as a person, apparently. Guessing all of Chu Wanning’s thoughts.

He can just hope that he doesn’t catch onto the other thoughts, the ones about Mo Ran.

“Alright. You wanna wash vegetables for me again?” he asks, and it’s such a genuine question that it’s hard to misinterpret, leaving no doubt about being mocked for Chu Wanning at all.

“Fine,” he says, “but don’t tell me what to do.”

“Of course not,” Mo Ran laughs, and hands him a carrot as soon as he walks over. “You’re a very capable mechanical engineering professor whose room I certainly didn’t have to clean because he let it rot for way too long.”

“You-“ Chu Wanning starts, holding out his carrot as if he’s going to fight Mo Ran with it, but when Mo Ran just laughs even harder, the sound of it reverberating through their shared kitchen, he can’t help but think that really, he’s barely even mad about the fact that Mo Ran cleaned his room anymore.

With red cheeks that he barely even notices, and his hygiene products at least assuring him that this laughter is not going to soak his damned underwear again as if he’s some kind of dirty animal, Chu Wanning gets to washing his carrot.

Chapter Text

“…Mo Ran.”

“Huh?”

Mo Ran hadn’t thought that Chu Wanning had opened his door to talk to him, actually. He finishes tying his second shoe and then gets back up, dusting off his knees a little. He’s just in shorts today. It’s actively starting to get hot now, and while the sun is nice, Mo Ran isn’t the hugest fan of summer. He doesn’t mind it as much as Xue Meng, but it makes running kind of insufferable, and running and cooking are the only two things that manage to cool Mo Ran down emotionally, when needed.

…Especially now that he lives together with Chu Wanning and needs a way to distract himself or otherwise he’ll have a constant boner, because that has, in fact, not gotten better. During class, he can at least distract himself with the actual content of the class, which has been working, but sometimes it does still happen. And then, Mo Ran has to try his best and act like he’s normal about his professor. And roommate. And caretaker for one year. And love of his life.

The emotional turmoil truly never stops, huh?

“Where are you going?” Chu Wanning asks, squinting a little at him even through his ugly glasses that Mo Ran would love destroying in one way or another, but preferably by fucking him so hard they break.

“Huh? Ah, right, right, Ye Wangxi’s,” he says, “Xue Meng is over, ‘cause- I told him he can’t come over to mine, because he’d tell uncle that you’re here, so… I’m going over to theirs instead. Don’t worry, I’ll be back in time for dinner!”

“Worry?” Chu Wanning scoffs, but Mo Ran knows that he is, in fact, worrying about dinner. Because now that they’ve found a proper routine for food, Chu Wanning having seemingly gotten used to it, Mo Ran has started noticing how anxious he can get if he stays out too late. So, he’s barely even partied.

He did go out with the neighbour last weekend though, because her boyfriend doesn’t seem to like parties too much, and apparently she quite likes Mo Ran, and her boyfriend isn’t the jealous type, and Mo Ran also certainly isn’t interested in her in any way shape or form, so it’s whatever. It was quite fun. He made sure to cook something for Chu Wanning beforehand though, so that he’d only have to reheat it.

Which Mo Ran knows he’s capable of, at least.

“Yup, worry. I’ll be home in time for dinner easily. I won’t stay that long, Xue Meng and Ye Wangxi’s boyfriend don’t see each other that often but they’re quite good friends, so I’ll leave them be. I’ll be home by five or so.”

“…Okay. Have fun. Remember your assignment.”

“I’m almost done!” Mo Ran says and tries to throw him a grin about it. “Just one more question left, and I still have all of tomorrow! Did you need anything else?”

After all, he left his room specifically to ask him something, right? Probably not where he’s going, given that Chu Wanning never really leaves his room just to ask him where he’s going when he hears Mo Ran getting dressed.

Overall, they keep it to the evenings, mostly. When Mo Ran cooks, Chu Wanning is around, studying German. Oftentimes, they leave the doors open so Plum can stroll around, which is awful, because then Mo Ran can’t masturbate – but everything for the cat, right?

She also comes up from behind Chu Wanning, stroking past his legs and then walking towards Mo Ran, doing the same. He leans down to pet her head a few times, and when she looks up at him very desperately, he scoops her into his arms and holds her. She snuggles up against him, and even bumps her head into his chin; Mo Ran would die for her. He would actually die for her. She’s so soft and pliant in her arms.

He starts petting at her ears and head and tries not to mind it when her claws sink into his arms. He knows it’s with love.

“…I don’t need anything from you.”

“Of course,” Mo Ran says, because he knows Chu Wanning is a proud man and he’s going to end up embarrassed if Mo Ran doesn’t play along. “Then, what do you have to say to me?”

“…Here.”

And then, Chu Wanning pushes something into his hand that isn’t holding Plum.

At first, he doesn’t even care about what it is that’s getting pressed into his hand, because oh by everything that’s holy – their fingers touch.

Their fingers touch, Chu Wanning’s grazing his, sliding past his knuckles as Mo Ran reflexively grabs the package of sweets, which only now he realizes what it is.

It’s milk candy.

The exact same kind that they always used to eat back when they were younger.

How is he meant to just live with this?

“Sorry,” Chu Wanning croaks out, and Mo Ran stares at him like he’s lost it, because what? What the hell is he apologizing for?

“When I screamed at you because you tidied up my room,” Chu Wanning clarifies, clearly seeing the confusion on his face. “You did it with good intentions, and even if it was out of line, I shouldn’t have screamed at you. That was out of line for me.”

Oh, for that. Because of that.

“it’s been two weeks,” he says, “ever since that happened. I don’t mind. It was my fault, we’ve already established that-“

“Shouting at you didn’t help. So just- take these. As an apology.”

Mo Ran brings the package of candy up to Plum because she threatens to fall off her arm, way too enthusiastic about being in his arms and squirming around. He’s glad she loves him, though.

Still – Chu Wanning apologized to him, which means-

“You’ve kept thinking about this for two weeks, Chu Wanning?”

And Chu Wanning freezes, and Mo Ran realizes why he freezes, and he freezes himself.

Oh.

He just called him by name.

“…Mo Ran.”

“Come on,” Mo Ran says, arguably panicking, and Plum jumps out of his arms to walk back into Chu Wanning’s room, “we’ve been living together for weeks now… surely it’s weird if I keep calling you ‘Professor Chu’?”

He knows he’s talking out of his ass right now, and he’s sure Chu Wanning also knows. He’s still his professor before he’s his roommate, to be honest. Even if they’re getting along sort of well, especially since Mo Ran hasn’t entered his room again.

Well, okay, he did once, but that was because Plum was locked up in it, but he’s sure Chu Wanning would’ve been madder at Plum peeing in his bed than he would’ve been at him looking into his room.

So, yeah, okay, no – he shouldn’t just have called him by name. It’s better than if he had addressed him only by his given name to begin with. Not good, but better. And he was used to only calling him ‘Wanning’ once.

With a sigh, however, Chu Wanning nods. Nods. Why is he nodding?

“You’re right. As long as you don’t call me that in class, I don’t think I… mind.”

And he’s saying that he doesn’t mind. After having gifted him this stupid candy. He’s going to combust, burst into a million pieces, wither away like a Victorian maiden after having caught tuberculosis at the juvenile age of seventeen. Except he’s neither from the Victorian age, nor a girl, nor does he have tuberculosis, nor is he seventeen. He’s twenty, actually. Quite old. Dang, he’s old-

“You don’t mind?”

“No. You’re right. This is- a living arrangement. Not just a teacher and student situation. You cook for me, and you do most of the housework.”

All of the housework. Mo Ran won’t correct him on that, though.

“So… I can call you by your full name?” he asks, just to make sure he gets this right, to not make him uncomfortable. He’s clutching the sweets so hard the plastic makes an awful noise, and Chu Wanning’s gaze travels down to it, but then right back up at his face.

“Yes. Just not in class.”

“Got it!” Mo Ran says, and gives him the biggest smile. “And uh- there was really no more need to apologize. But thank you. I appreciate it anyways. Did you gift me those candies because you like them?”

“Everyone likes them,” Chu Wanning spits, then points at the door. “You wanted to go see your brother and friends. You should go. Don’t be too late. And take a jacket with you, it says it’s going to rain later.”

With those words, Chu Wanning ushers Plum back into his room, and then closes the door behind him, not giving Mo Ran the chance to respond.

He’s so horribly sweet. He’s almost as sweet as his cat, he finds. He stares at the closed door for a little longer, then at the milk candy. He bought him that very same milk candy they’ve been eating together the entire time when he was a child, when Chu Wanning himself was barely more than a child.

He cradles the package in his arms as if it could in some way save him, and decides that yeah, he desperately needs to talk to his friends about this, because he might go absolutely insane about this otherwise.

Mo Ran might forget the jacket, but he has the candy, and if he gets wet in the rain later, maybe he can have Chu Wanning come fetch him with an umbrella.

(As if Mo Ran would have the guts to do that.)

*

When Mo Ran arrives at Ye Wangxi’s and Nangong Si’s, him and Xue Meng are already talking about karate, no surprise here – they left the door open a little, probably to air out, so Mo Ran can see.

However, his walk only managed to work him up more, because again and again, the realization wouldn’t leave him that he loves him. He loves him so much. He was the first to give him an ounce of control over what he wants to eat, and the first one to not think less of him just because he was such a problem child. And now he moved in with him, and he has a cat that he treats so gently, and he’s grown up to be so beautiful, and he gifted Mo Ran candy.

Hence, the first thing he says, still in the door, staring at the three of them, the milk candy still clutched in his arms is:

“I love him. Holy fucking hell, I love him so much.”

All of their quite happy faces immediately drop.

Ye Wangxi’s returns to normal the earliest, followed by Nangong Si.

Poor Xue Meng, who doesn’t even know of the fact that his father’s friend Chu Wanning is who Mo Ran is in love with beyond saving, just looks shocked and disgusted in equal parts.

“You’re- what? Who?” he screeches, “like, a dog? A cat? Did you get a pet? Is that allowed?”

To Mo Ran’s utter dismay, another wave of emotion rolls over him so strongly that he thinks he might just fucking die, actually – and then, there’s tears in his eyes.

And they slip out of them because they come on too fast for him to stop.

Saying it out loud hurts. It hurts, because nothing can ever come of this, because Chu Wanning might allow him to call him by his name instead of any honorific, but that only means they’re cordial roommates, something like friends at most.

It hurts and it tears him apart from the inside.

He feels something hot and wet roll down his cheeks, and knows that he’s full on crying now. He hasn’t cried in a long while. He hasn’t cried in front of people in an even longer while. The last time he cried in front of anyone was probably when he first opened up about Chu Wanning to poor Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si when he got drunk as hell. The last time he cried in front of Xue Meng was when he was seven and Xue Meng insulted his mom because he was jealous of Mo Ran’s birthday presents – it’s okay though because Xue Meng apologized for it in tears sobbing and hugged him really tightly a few minutes later, once he’d realized what he’d said.

So, all three of them look on in shock, and Ye Wangxi, again, is the first to react. She walks over as fast as she can, closes the door behind him, and drags him to the table.
“I love him,” he repeats, the poor plastic crumbling in his grip, “I love him, and I don’t know how I’m meant to keep living with him, he gifted me the sweets we always used to eat together because he’s still sorry for shouting at me for the cleaning thing and- what the hell am I meant to do with myself? He’ll never love me back! No one ever would! I don’t think he even remembers, and I was a little shit as a kid, and, and-“

“Mo Ran, ssh, calm down,” she says, pressing him down into a chair and hastily grabbing a tissue to rub some tears off his cheeks – not that it helps a lot, considering that new ones follow almost immediately.

Xue Meng is still looking on in horror now that Mo Ran is seated opposite. He turns to Nangong Si the next second though, but points back at Mo Ran.

“What’s he on about? Since when is he in love? Who the fuck is he in love with?”

Mo Ran just cries harder about this, hearing it from someone else. For years and years he’s hid all of this from Xue Meng and the rest of his family, tried his best not to let it show because he didn’t want them to worry about something like this – and all this time, Xue Zhengyong had long made friends with Chu Wanning, and coincidentally not mentioned his name.

It must’ve been fate that they hadn’t met until now. Maybe they wouldn’t ever have met if Mo Ran hadn’t found him online, because of that article.

Nangong Si doesn’t reply, and also just sits there, not sure how to act – he’s never been good at comforting people. So, Ye Wangxi eventually sits down on the chair next to him, and pulls him into a hug, and really, that’s just what he needs.

He awkwardly sniffs into her shoulder. She’s not the person he really needs to hug, but she’s the closest to it, so he’ll take it. He loves her. He really and sincerely loves her, and he knows that they’d do anything for each other, and that’s all Mo Ran needs to know to be able to let himself go.

The sweets are between them, so he only puts one arm around her. He can’t just let go of them.

“…Seriously, what the actual fuck is going on, does anyone want to inform me?” Xue Meng stutters, but Mo Ran can’t yet talk. Not sentences that make sense, at least. Not anything that isn’t directly about Chu Wanning and how much he loves him.

“He’s not going to love me back. And he can’t, and he shouldn’t, because I’m not worth it and if he finds out who I am he’s only going to view me as a little child, and I can’t- he gifted me those stupid sweets, I need to fuck him so badly about this.”

“You…! You dog, who the hell would do this with you!”

“Shut up,” Mo Ran sobs, weakly turning against Ye Wangxi’s boobs to glare at Xue Meng, but he knows it’s a very weak glare. Fuck the fact he’s having something like a mental breakdown right now – mocking his little brother is clearly so much more important. “No one’s going to do it with you, that much is for sure.”

“The Mei Hanxue twins would beg to differ,” Ye Wangxi deadpans, and Mo ran does laugh through all of his tears, because she’s so right about that.

“Mengmeng,” he cries, “have you lost your much cherished virginity yet? Don’t tell me you did, and didn’t tell Ge about it-“

“Who’s ‘Ge’?” Xue Meng spits, “and shut up! You’re literally full-on crying right now! What the hell happened? Since when do you live together with someone? I thought you lived alone?”

“Wow, you really didn’t tell him anything,” Nangong Si says, with a slightly pitying glance at Xue Meng.

Gently, Ye Wangxi pats Mo Ran’s head a few times, then shoves him out of her boobs. Which is unfair, because they’re very comfortable, actually.

She pats his tears away again, and this time, he manages to stop somehow. For now. He takes the tissue from her and blows his nose very loudly and disgustingly, and Xue Meng scrunches his nose up about it, but is clever enough not to make another comment.

Even if Mo Ran loves mocking him, he also knows that if Xue Meng were to truly go into that right now, he’d probably take it personal. He can see it in the complicated flicker in his eyes.

Only now does he let go of the sweets, dropping them onto the table.

“…Seriously,” Xue Meng huffs, “I don’t know what big secrets you’re keeping from me, but you better tell me who the fuck you’re talking about? What do you mean, living together? Being in love? Did you get a boyfriend? I’m sorry for whoever it-“

“Chu Wanning,” Mo Ran rasps out.

Xue Meng blinks, smashes his hands against the table, and stands up in the most comical manner known to man.

“What? Like, dad’s best friend? The Chu Wanning? The super young Mechanical Engineering professor, who’s basically on top of the world, who’s probably going to make some breakthrough that might just save the environment from whatever the hell large industries are doing to it right now? That Chu Wanning? Your professor?”

All these years, he’s hidden all of this from Xue Meng. Now, however, he doesn’t care anymore.

He loves Chu Wanning. He loves his professor. He loves the man who cut a wonton for him so that he wouldn’t burn his mouth. He loves the man who broke his promise and never came back, loves the man that just made him a gift because he still felt sorry, and Mo Ran just breaks again.

The tears wallow back up in his eyes, and it’s so hard to care about crying in front of someone.

“Yes,” he says, wiping at them with his own arm now; Ye Wangxi just quietly puts an arm around him. “That one. Do you know him?”

“Huh- of course! Of course I do! I’ve met him a few times!”

“Huh? When?”

Mo Ran doesn’t mean for his voice to come out as sharp as it does, because he doesn’t want to hurt his little brother. Xue Meng however just scoffs and turns away at little, seemingly unfazed by his tone of voice. He truly knows him too well.

He’s also gotten the brunt end of the ugly sides of Mo Ran’s mental health diagnoses for years, so really, why would a slightly pissed question bother him at this point when Mo Ran has said genuinely vile stuff to him before?

“Well… Dad sometimes takes me here, right? I’ve had lunch with him a few times before. I guess- I guess you were always at work or hanging out with Song Qiutong, back in the day-“

“Ugh, don’t mention her,” Nangong Si sighs, clearly done with the mention of the ex he has in common with Mo Ran.

Well.

It was more of a situationship for Mo Ran. Nangong Si never even slept with her. Clearly two ends of the same spectrum here.

“Sorry, sorry. Either way- huh? That- why is he living with you? Why are you in love with him? Why did you talk like he knew you as a kid- holy shit.”

Realization seems to dawn on him. Xue Meng’s voice goes strangely quiet and soft, and like he can’t even hide how much he cares for Mo Ran deep down. It’s moments like these that make Mo Ran realize so deeply how much he loves him, too. He loves all the people in this room. But he loves Chu Wanning in such a different way that he’s not sure he can even put it into words more than an awkward ‘I love him’ that makes him feel like a teenager having his first crush.

“When we were really young, you kept saying that there was an orphanage worker you really miss. Holy fuck. Is that him? I remember you stopped saying it, and I remember mom and dad trying to find him for your sake, but then you stopped mentioning him completely, so it all kind of fizzled out- and I mean, I was really young but- is that him? You’re- did you stalk him until here?”

“You really think I wouldn’t have begged Uncle to let me meet him if I’d realized sooner just who his friend is?”

Xue Meng quiets down at this, because he knows as well as Mo Ran just how obsessive he can get. No doubt about it – begging Xue Zhengyong to let him meet him is still on the tame end of things here.

“You… you live with him. Why?”

“He got kicked out. I don’t know why. Well- he has a cat, and that’s not allowed, that has got to be one of the reasons, but- he got kicked out, and called student services, and he lives with me now. And he’s stayed. For some reason. He gifted me the same candy we always used to eat, and- and- and he lets me call him by his name. His actual, full name. I don’t know what to do about any of this.”

“Hell,” Xue Meng grumbles, “you’re in love- with Chu Wanning. Who’s your professor. Who lives with you. Who took care of you as a child. That’s fucked up in so many ways, Mo Ran.”

He knows. He gets another headpat from Ye Wangxi about that comment, even, so he’ll count that as a win.

“He’s… been waiting for this for a long time. Don’t be so harsh on him, Meng-er,” Nangong Si says, also casting a short worried glance at Mo Ran – still sniffing and crying, he can’t stop, okay?

He loves him so much. Having said it out loud cracked something inside of him.

“He still takes care of kids,” he makes, voice all hoarse and unstable. “He’s still the same. He doesn’t remember me. I love him so much. I can’t tell him, he’s my professor, I can’t tell him any of this- he deserves better. Fuck.”

“Deserving better, deserving better, what’s the meaning of that? You’ve loved him for so long, Mo Ran. And you’re a much better guy than you give yourself credit for. So, stop saying this stuff, okay?” Ye Wangxi scolds him. She reaches out for the sweets, opens them, and pops one into Mo Ran’s mouth, who just lets the taste melt on his tongue. Some of the rice paper crumples off it on his tongue, and some already has done so on his lips.

They still taste like vanilla, just like they used though. They’re still that weird texture in between hard and soft.

It makes it just a little okay and acceptable to believe that maybe, Ye Wangxi is correct, and he’s not so bad of a guy.

“No,” Xue Meng says, “Chu Wanning does deserve better than him, actually. And look, Mo Ran, I get you have low self-esteem, but you’re overdoing it. Chu Wanning however? Out of your league. Anyone else, I’ll just need to make sure I tell them about your diagnoses and weird fucking behaviors first before they run into their own ruin, but if they’re up for the challenge, then you’re good to go.”

“Brat,” Mo ran says, once more blowing his noise before he says anything else, “have you never been lovesick before? Do your beloved twins never make you doubt?”

“You bastard! They’re not into me, and I’m not into them, because I don’t like men!”

Nangong Si, Ye Wangxi, and Mo Ran all look at each other very meaningfully. They all know that all three of these statements are wrong. Xue Meng probably knows himself.

However, with a quiet huff of breath, Xue Meng then goes quieter again.

“Seriously, though, Mo Ran? All this time? If only you’d… said his name or something, to any of us… Mom and Dad really tried finding him in some way, but you wouldn’t say his name.”

Mo Ran barely remembers anything that happened directly after his adoption. It’s all a blur, if he’s honest. Memories suppressed both intentionally and unintentionally, and he only really remembers stuff again starting with school. He doesn’t remember any of this.

“I- don’t know,” he says, and finally manages to wipe away the last of his tears. He feels a little more stable now that they’ve all been talking to him and he knows that he’s not alone. He swallows the candy. “I just don’t know what to do. He’s still so kind to me, but I can’t tell him who I am.”

“Then don’t. It’s your choice. Just don’t beat yourself up later if you end up regretting it,” Xue Meng says, and as prissy as he sounds, Mo Ran knows he means well. He means this as genuine advice. “If you try to hit on him, just- he’s your professor. He can get you kicked.”

“I know. I’m not actually planning to. He probably wouldn’t want that. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable at any rate, so I’m just- going to wait and act normal. I just don’t want him to move out is all. I don’t want his cat to move out either, for that matter.”

“Seriously,” Ye Wangxi starts. “Xue Meng is right. It’s up to you whether you ever tell him or not – both things. So just take it slow. Even if he moves out, you’ll still see him regularly, and you have his contact now. You know where his office is, you have classes with him. He’s not running away again.”

“What if he does?”

“He’s… not going to, Mo Ran, he has a job,” she repeats, and pats his shoulder again. “Alright? Just take it slow. If even Xue Meng isn’t all to opposed to all of this, then you know you’ve chosen the right guy to be in love with. So, no worries, okay? You can be by his side at any rate. If you study hard enough.”

“Do not bring my grades into this,” he warns, but does also have to laugh about it a bit.

It’s right then that Nangong Si’s phones suddenly rings. He retrieves it from his pocket, seemingly a little panicky, which makes sense given the fact he doesn’t really receive a lot of phone calls.

“Oh fuck,” he says. It’s my mom. Let me just- I’ll quickly go to our bedroom, let me see what she wants.”

Ah. Nangong Si’s mom. That’s a whole story by itself. She’s not the worst mom. Not anymore at least, Mo Ran thinks. He’s heard some horror stories, but these days, she seems to be doing well as a mother, and she’s also recovered a lot from that illness she had. Nangong Si does love her a lot, and he isn’t afraid to voice that. And if he loves his mom, that’s all that really counts, right? If he forgives her past mistakes, then that’s his decision alone, and Mo Ran can respect it.

Even if some of the things she said and did when he was younger don’t sit right with him.

“Sure,” Ye Wangxi says, just giving him a short smile, and watching him disappear into the bedroom. “So, Mo Ran… you just try. Just try to be normal. You wouldn’t be the first person to date your professor, so it’s whatever.”

“It’s arguably not whatever!” Xue Meng says, but Mo Ran doesn’t pay it any mind, because his phone suddenly rings.

It’s just a notification, not a call, he notices.

Ye Wangxi leans over his shoulder, glancing at the notification that he’s just received, and immediately breaks out into a grin.

“Heyyy,” she says, “see, it’s going well!”

“You have his number?” Xue Meng screeches, and it comes across as scandalized as if he’d just learned that Mo Ran wants to tie Chu Wanning to the bed and fuck him until he screams so loud he can’t speak for two whole days. Which would actually be a dream come true.

“Of course I do!” he exclaims, because they’re roommates, and they share a single key, but he’s much more preoccupied with the message on his screen.

‘You forgot your jacket. Should I bring an umbrella to you?’

He can’t believe that Chu Wanning offered to do this for him. He could walk him home. That’d work, right? He could just casually walk home with his professor, sharing an umbrella. Now, doesn’t that sound like a masterplan?

And, Mo Ran throws all shame out of the window, and just straight up starts kicking his feet and giggling like an anime girl who’s just received a flower from her high school crush. Both of his friends look on in either wonder, or pure disgust. Xue Meng is the latter.

“He can walk me home,” Mo Ran exclaims, “it’s the weekend, it’s rainy as hell, no one will see, so he’s going to allow me to, right? I can, I don’t know, wear a mask-“

That gives him a small slap to the back of his head from Ye Wangxi, but he knows she means it very lovingly.

“No mask wearing. Send him our address. I’m sure Mengmeng will also be happy to see him.”

“Oh God, should I really accept? What if I’m imposing-“

“He’s offered you, Mo Ran,” Ye Wangxi sighs. She’s done with him, but he also just feels very loved by her, because this is a good kind of exasperation. “You accept, and you walk home together. With one umbrella, maybe. You can talk about your lives. You could ask him whether he’s ever taken care of someone with your name-“

“No. Off-limits. I’m not asking about that, I’m way too terrified, but- god. He offered to come here to bring me an umbrella. I love him. I’m actually so in love with him.”

None of his words help the scowl on Xue Meng’s face.

Only now does Mo Ran tap on the chat, and he realizes with horror that his fingers are trembling. Because he’s so excited from one single message from Chu Wanning that he feels all giddy and excited and like he’s a child who’s just gotten his drawing praised by him again.

…Except that now, there’s the added layer of desperately wanting to fuck him till he passes out, but, eh, what’s new?

Okay. He can do this.

‘Please, or else I’ll get our entire flat wet’ he types, ‘and that’s not going to help the mold I scrub off every Thursday’

‘ok,’ comes the immediate answer. He doesn’t type any more, so Mo Ran takes it upon himself to doxx his best friend.

‘I’ll send you Ye Wangxi’s address in a second. When are you planning to bring it?’

‘In an hour. I’m still working.’

‘Okay! That works for me!,’ Mo Ran texts back. ‘See you then! Here’s the address!’

Chu Wanning reads it, but no sign that he’s typing appears; so, Mo Ran turns off his phone, and instead starts giggling again. Chu Wanning is going to fetch him and they’re maybe even going to walk below a single umbrella. Maybe. Mo Ran only owns one, and Chu Wanning should have one, but- he’s delusional, Chu Wanning definitely has to own an umbrella.

Either way, he’s going to fetch him, and even if they’re walking below separate umbrellas, they’re still going to be walking home together. As if they were a couple. Mo Ran almost starts crying again, but he just sniffs and wipes at his wet eyes instead.

“Okay. So you’re really far gone,” Xue Meng states, as if Mo Ran somehow isn’t aware of that, “I cannot believe that’s the guy you kept crying over as a kid. There’s no way you found him again. There’s no way it’s Chu Wanning.”

“It is,” Mo Ran says, “he’s changed, but he’s very clearly still himself, and I didn’t realize I could fall in love with him even harder, but here I am-“

It’s then that the door to Nangong Si’s and Ye Wangxi’s bedroom opens back up, and Nangong Si steps out, clearly done with his entire life right now.

“My fucking God,” he grunts, pushing his phone back into his pocket, “my fucking family. Wished my uncle would just bite the dust at this point.”

“A-Si.”

“What?” Nangong Si hisses back at his girlfriend, “I’m not wrong! You know what an ass he is!”

“What happened with him this time?” Mo Ran laughs, because he’s heard some stories of the guy already; and stories of Nangong Si’s father, but his parents got divorced when he was ten or something, and he hasn’t stayed in contact with his father much. Mo Ran doesn’t know the details, but he does know cheating was involved. And his father’s brother, well – he’s also kind of insane. He’s never heard good stories about him. He has a child, Mo Ran knows as much, and his wife is dead, which is pretty sad, sure, but he keeps hearing horror stories about how he treats his child, and how often child services has already visited them. Which poor Nangong Si used to see all the time before moving out, because he lived in his previous neighbourhood. He also has a track record of bringing home random woman and discarding them a month or two after, or making promises to them and breaking them, and whatnot. The lore is deep.

“Fucking- don’t even ask,” he says, sitting himself down next to Xue Meng again. Xue Meng also just looks at him pityingly, which Mo Ran understands.

They’ve both only ever had great parents and family. Mo Ran had his mom until she died, and then Xue Zhengyong and his wife, and all their slightly more distant relatives are also all sane and good. Hence, the pure concept of family being that insane is foreign to them.

“He landed himself in hospital – rightfully. He had three girls at the same time, except none of them knew, and one of them got so mad she kind of drove him over with her car. Not a lot, he’s only got a broken arm sadly, but I hope this teaches him a lesson about just doing whatever with people who love him. God, what an asshole.”

See? That’s the Nangong family drama Mo Ran was talking about. Exactly that, and he kind of eats it all up. The guy is insanely hilarious.

“What’s his name again?” Xue Meng asks, “I forgot.”

“Nangong Yan,” Nangong Si grunts, “also that’s not all. He got a death scare, so now he’s apparently trying to find his fucking ex-girlfriend from who knows how many years ago, because he kicked her out onto the streets when she was literally pregnant with his child.”

“Holy fuck,” Mo Ran says, “that’s awful. Like, that’s next level, I didn’t know that part.”

“I know,” Nangong Si says. He takes a very deep breath to calm himself down, and Ye Wangxi also smiles at him as if to help him do exactly that; it doesn’t seem to help much though, because a second later, Nangong Si punches the table and lets out an incredibly annoyed noise.

“What the fuck does he think he’s doing now? For all he knows, the woman and her kid might as well be dead now! We don’t even know her name and he’s refusing to tell us, because, I don’t know, we might just fucking report what he did to the authorities? But now he’s all upset and gave us the vaguest description of her, like you could ever forgive him for something like that? Out onto the streets, my fucking God! She apparently didn’t have a job, nothing at all, no money, and she was pregnant! The least he could’ve done was give her some money!”

“Dang,” Xue Meng mouths. “No, for real though, I hope she and her kid are fine these days.”

“Yeah,” Mo Ran also says, because ah, this does hit a little too close to home. He doesn’t why he and his mom lived in the streets; she never told him, and that was the right decision. She died when he was a four – a four year old probably wouldn’t even have understood. But he knows what it’s like, and he can only hope that Nangong Yan’s ex and her child are fine these days, just like Xue Meng said.

“Ah- sorry, sensitive topic, I forgot over my anger,” Nangong Si says with a short, apologetic glance at Mo Ran.

“No issue,” he just shrugs in response, because honestly, it’s not Nangong Si’s fault. “This is just horrible all around. You’re right. I hope one of those three girls runs him over for real.”

“Mo Ran!” Ye Wangxi makes, but he doesn’t let himself be deterred by her like this. Yes, yes, his best friend, all righteous Ye Wangxi, never wishing death upon anyone – but Mo Ran can also practically see her seething, so he knows she’s just doing it for propriety’s sake.

“Nah, he’s right. He deserves to be locked up. Growing a conscious after all these years, really? Not that I remember a lot, I was super young when that drama went down, but everyone in my family was really angry with him over it. So yeah, none of us can do anything, and we already tried finding her all the way back then, and he’s the only one who knows her name, so that’s on him. But, to be honest, she doesn’t seem to have any social media or whatever… he can’t find any other records, either. It’s probably not looking good.”

“The streets are harsh,” Mo Ran says, “there’s a lot of kind people, though. I don’t remember that much, but sometimes, we’d just be in some kind of big group, and it’d feel all homely. Specifically a pregnant woman would probably get some more help, but… being a woman in the streets on the other hand… yeah. I hope they’ve both made it, to be honest.”

No one seems to really know what to say about that, and Mo Ran genuinely didn’t mean to break the conversation like that. He didn’t mean to make it awkward. He’s obviously still very sad his mother died, and he’s sad about all the things that stuck from that time, trauma wise, memory-wise. But it wasn’t all bleak, and he means it. He does have some good memories from it, but he has also forgotten a lot from it – whether that’s because of his age or because of his trauma, he doesn’t really know, and he doesn’t really mind, either. It is what it is.

He remembers Chu Wanning, and that’s all that really matters.

Remembering the good parts of his life is all that really matters.

“Haha,” he makes meekly, “sorry. Didn’t mean to have the mood drop like that. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Ye Wangxi says, “either way. You’re kind of right. Nangong Yan sucks.”

“But Chu Wanning doesn’t suck. He’d never leave his pregnant wife-“

“…Is he even gay?” Nangong Si asks at one point, “or bi? Or pan? Or whatever other sexuality would allow him to like you back?”

The notion that Chu Wanning might just like him back has Mo Ran actually fuming from his head. The prospect of him maybe liking him back is just…

“No clue. He can’t be straight. He definitely can’t be straight, he has long hair,” Mo Ran declares, even if this kind of low key implies that all gay guys have long hair, which is obviously wrong, but whatever. He’ll make use of the stereotypes when need be.

“…Is that how it works?” Xue Meng asks, “does that mean Mei Hanxue…”

“Mei Hanxue is bi,” Mo Ran declares, “very obviously so. No need to ask. Oh, wait, Mengmeng, earlier, you didn’t actually say that you still haven’t lost your virginity-“

“I have! I mean, I haven’t! I haven’t! I’m not a crude mutt like you! I do not like Mei Hanxue! Not in any way! I’m not gonna lose my virginity to him!”

“Sure, sure,” Mo Ran laughs, “keep telling yourself that, we’ll talk again in max two years.”

“You stupid fucking dog! I actually hate you sometimes, you…!”

And, in the span of a few seconds, Xue meng has lunged at Mo Ran, over the table, and has tackled him, and Mo Ran falls over, chair and all, and has to hold Xue Meng off himself, and that’s not just a distraction from the Nangong family drama which does actually make him kind of sad, but also from Chu Wanning, who’s going to come pick him up in less than an hour and walk him home.

He’ll gladly fight with Xue Meng until then, because that’ll at least make the time pass.

And, ah, Mo Ran feels so fucking lovesick.

Once he’s gotten Xue Meng off him, he’s going to grab another piece of candy to remind himself of just who is making him that lovesick.

Chapter Text

Chu Wanning double checks the room number on his phone, then looks at the small number next to the door. It’s correct indeed. Room three-hundred-eighty-nine. This should be where Mo Ran’s friends live.

Plum next to him shakes herself again, even though it’s only really her legs and paws that have gotten wet. Her pink raincoat rustles with the motion, and the metal bits of her leash clink a little with it, too. She stretches, and Chu Wanning allows himself a small smile down at her before he rings the bell.

He can do this.

He can bring Mo Ran an umbrella and be normal about this. He’s just being helpful and making sure that his student and roommate won’t catch a cold, because that might put him at risk of catching one, too, and he doesn’t need this, because he can’t miss class, or even worse, work at the orphanage.

Yeah.

This is a purely egoistical action on his part.

There are steps almost immediately, and the one opening the door is a tall woman, who Chu Wanning is pretty sure is Ye Wangxi. He hasn’t actually seen her before, because usually Mo Ran goes over to hers, and when she’s over at theirs, he’s usually at the office, so they haven’t yet met.

And off course she’s not the first other trans person he’s ever met, but he still… he still feels weird about seeing other trans people just exist, somehow. Because it makes it so weirdly apparent to him that he doesn’t actually care about others being trans.

The issue lies solely with himself.

“Hi!” she says, “come in! Oh-“

She looks down at Plum, and Chu Wanning is ready to say that no, they’ll just wait outside for Mo Ran instead, but Ye Wangxi just steps out of the door and gestures at them to come inside even after seeing his cat with her wet little paws.

He does drop the wet umbrella on the outside, though. No one is going to steal that now. Besides, it wasn’t particularly expensive anyways.

So, he steps inside, and steps out of his shoes at least so that he doesn’t leave any footprints.

“Don’t worry about the cat,” Ye Wangxi says, “we have to clean tomorrow, anyways, so it doesn’t matter. I mean it.”

He nods, but at the same time, he doesn’t really want to spend a lot of time here. He’s just here to pick up Mo Ran, after all.

The flat is quite nice, though. It’s much more spacious than Mo Ran’s and his, and he thinks that it’s even bigger than Xue Zhengyong’s flat that he lives in during the semester.

“Hi!” Mo Ran says, waving from the table; somehow, his hair looks all tousled, and so does Xue Meng’s next to him. Their clothes, too. Did they fight?

However, Mo Ran is beaming, and Xue Meng also immediately starts smiling at seeing Chu Wanning – which is probably not actually directed at him, because why would it be? There’s nothing likeable about him.

“Professor Chu!” Xue Meng exclaims, “it’s nice to see you again!”

Chu Wanning doesn’t manage more than a quick nod at the enthusiasm.

“It’s… nice to see you again, too, Xue Meng. How’s your mother been?”

“Ah, fine, fine, always nagging me about my grades, but there’s nothing to worry about! I’ll get into university just fine, if Mo Ran got in.”

“Hey,” Mo Ran says, bumping his shoulder into his little brother’s, “what’s that mean?”

“It means that you’re stupid and probably got accepted out of nepotism.”

“And you won’t be accepted because of nepotism?” Mo Ran asks back, and the two are left glaring at each other for a while.

And Chu Wanning just… feels stupidly warm and homely about it. They bicker like children, and he should find it annoying, but it’s not. It makes him ache for something he’s never had. Well, that’s not quite wrong. Chu Wanning did have families; quite a lot of them, actually. He’s worked in so many orphanages throughout the years, since he kept having to move because of his studies, and they were all like family to him. But this feels more intimate somehow. And he wishes for it and longs for it and aches for it, suddenly, in ways he wasn’t previously sure he could fathom.

He wants this, and the thought scares him. He wants to belong, and he also knows just who he wants to belong to, and just who he wants this with, and-

“Mo Ran is a capable student, apart from his repeating mistakes,” he forces himself in an attempt to interrupt his own, spiraling thoughts. “But I’m sure you’ll do just as well, too.”

“He will, he will,” Mo Ran laughs, leaning over again and ruffling Xue Meng’s hair a little bit. “Hey, Chu Wanning, wanna sit down for a while? Just to warm yourself and Plum up before we leave.”

“I… still have to do references,” he says, but he knows this is more a half-hearted attempt at trying to get away from Mo Ran’s heat again, and clearly he doesn’t succeed.

“It’s okay for a just a while,” Ye Wangxi says, already carrying another chair and putting it next to the other empty chair that she was probably sitting on before; however, she then sits down on the chair she just brought, which leaves Chu Wanning with the chair next to Mo Ran.

Who just pats it very casually, as if Chu Wanning isn’t going to be dying tonight about having sat next to him, but he also doesn’t want to make himself look suspicious and like he’s in love with his student, so he sits down.

Plum follows him, but sniffs around the chairs very interestedly. He’s just going to keep her on the leash for good measure though, wrapping one finger around it to make sure it stays on.

“Your cat is very cute,” the guy who must be Ye Wangxi’s boyfriend says, and Chu Wanning squints at him. Somehow, he recognizes his face, but he can’t quite pin it down.

“Ah, I’m Nangong Si by the way. Ye Wangxi’s boyfriend.”

“Nangong,” Chu Wanning echoes, “who’s your father?”

“…You know the Nangongs?” Mo Ran exclaims next to him, and suddenly leans over.

Chu Wanning jerks back, almost falls off the chair about it, barely catching himself by holding onto the table, suddenly irrationally scared that Mo Ran might be about to kiss him-

However, what he does is scoop Plum up in his arms and hold her. Of course. He just wanted the cat, nothing else.

Plum lets herself be manhandled by Mo Ran (Chu Wanning wishes that were him), and then starts purring quietly as she gets her chin tickled.

“Of course. I’ve worked with Rufeng before. It… I ended my business relationship with them though,” he says, trying to tread carefully, but Nangong Si just gives a hearty laugh.
“Ah, you know my father then, probably. Nangong Liu. I’m sorry about him. He can be a little… yeah. I don’t even talk to him much anymore these days. So don’t worry, you can insult him all you want, Professor Chu. It’s nice to meet you though. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Mo Ran shifts a little in his seat. Probably getting comfortable. He does also cast a look at Nangong Si, though.

“I… see. Yes. It’s Nangong Liu that I worked together with. And his brother.”

At that, Mo Ran inhales sharply.

“No way. Nangong Yan? We just talked about how horrible of a person he is!”

“Is he?” Chu Wanning blinks, “he seemed like the more decent one out of the two. Sorry. No offense-“

“None taken,” Nangong Si sighs, “and nah, they’re both quite bad. One does corruption, the other kicks pregnant women onto the streets, you name it, the Nangongs have done it. God, I hope his daughter is fine these days, I should try to track down her social media and offer her to talk to me at any point.”

“…You probably should,” Mo Ran says, although with a small laugh, “though, be careful. The guy’s probably sired a whole lot of kids. Wouldn’t be surprised if your neighbour was one of ‘em.”

“Let’s hope not,” Nangong Si says, “I don’t like the neighbours much. But eh, yeah, I’ll look into it, because the poor thing probably needs therapy.”

“If you need me in court for her,” Ye Wangxi sighs, “give me a few more years until graduation, and then I’m up for the challenge.”

“You study law?” Chu Wanning asks, because he’d genuinely not known what Ye Wangxi studies; Mo Ran hadn’t mentioned it yet.

“Yeah!” she says with a beaming smile. “I didn’t know what to study, and my adoptive father… who I’m also estranged from at this point, let’s not get into it, said that I’d make a good law student, so I applied because of that originally… but I’m going to specialize in childcare laws, I think. You know… being friends with Mo Ran for so long, and also seeing all the trans kids just kind of not being represented properly… I might as well do some good.”

Ah. That makes sense. She seems like a really good person. A better person than Chu Wanning could ever be. Mo Ran has great friends.

“Haha… yeah,” Mo Ran laughs, a little awkwardly, and Xue Meng cocks his eyebrow at him, then suddenly buries his face in his hands.

“Xue Meng, are you okay?” Chu Wanning asks, and he does resurface from his hands, but also just gives him a sort of long look.

“Hmm. Just found out something really messed up about Mo Ran, that’s all.”

“Mo Ran. What did you do?” Chu Wanning asks, “he’s your little brother, you’ve ought to treat him nicely-“

“First of all,” Mo Ran starts. “I’m adopted. This little brat is not my brother. I don’t claim him as such. Okay, ugh, I do, but I also don’t when it’s convenient not to. So, right now, I don’t claim him. And secondly, he has shit all to do with this. He’s ought to think about his own life instead. Mengmeng has enough problems to take care of, too, like his two twins-”

“The only problem in my life is you.”

“You’re the only problem in my life.”

Luckily, Chu Wanning manages to shut them up by clearing his throat. Plum finally plops down into Mo Ran’s lap; luckily, he’s wearing dark clothes, so there’s no apparent wet-cat-stains on him.

“Either way,” Chu Wanning says, and gives the two brothers that are now scuffling another glance, Plum just kind of uninterested in what’s going on right above her place in Mo Ran’s lap. “That’s… a good thing. Studying law for that reason is a good thing. I hope your exams all go well.”

“Thank you! I get very good grades,” Ye Wangxi smiles.

For a bit, there’s some awkward silence, as if no one knows what to really say with a professor in the room. However, Mo Ran just casually slides the milk candy over to him.

“Here, have one,” he says, already grabbing one from the bag and holding it out to him. “Take it as another apology from me for what happened.”

Chu Wanning lets him drop the piece of candy in his hand, and does pop it into his mouth a bit later – perhaps a little too eager, but he loves sweets, what can he say?

“Thank you,” he rasps out. “We… should get going soon. I do still have to do work.”

“Of course,” Mo Ran says with a smile, and it’s all dimples and sunshine, and Chu Wanning wants to feel this smile against his own lips so badly, except he’ll never get to for so many goddamn reasons. “Don’t worry. We can leave if you want. I bet you’re not very interested in the family drama of your former work relations-“

“’Interested’ isn’t the correct word,” Chu Wanning says, and feels his voice become a lot colder. “I think I’m more disgusted with what I just learned about Nangong Yan than anything else.”

“Ah,” Mo Ran laughs, “yeah, yeah, that adds up. Me too. Nangong Si, too. All of us have been really disgusted for the past hour, don’t worry.”

“I hope he gets payback,” Nangong Si says, and Chu Wanning cannot express in words how happy he is that there is apparently a Nangong family member that appears to be very sane.

“Alright, alright, yeah, let’s go,” Mo Ran says, and is already getting up before Chu Wanning can even get another word in; really, he just feels awkward around new people, and he doesn’t see Xue Meng often enough to not feel awkward around him a little, too. Mo Ran must’ve caught onto it.

It’s fine.

When Chu Wanning meets these people again, he’ll at least have seen them once and talked to them once, and that’s going to make things easier.

Not that he’s going to get very involved with Mo Ran’s friends, because he’s his professor, and that’d be unprofessional as hell.

Plum jumps onto the floor, still looking a little wet around her paws, but it’s fine, Chu Wanning will get her all clean and dry when they’re back home. Besides, she likes water. She’s not really the most normal cat out there, admittedly.

“It was nice to meet you,” Ye Wangxi says when they walk towards the door, Chu Wanning temporarily letting go off the leash so he can put his shoes back on again.

“…Likewise,” he forces out.

“Take good care of Mo Ran for me, alright?” she suddenly asks, and Chu Wanning stares at her. Excuse him?

What?

What?

“Well, I’m just saying,” she laughs, “he’s quite rowdy, and quite a handful, but he’s a very good guy. Don’t be too harsh on him. He means everything he does very well.”

Chu Wanning can’t do more than blink, and Mo Ran also just scowls at his best friend as if she’s lost it.

“Wangxi,” he hisses even, “please. I love you, but please.”

Ye Wangxi however just gives Mo Ran a smile, and Mo Ran glares at her a little harder about it.

And meanwhile, Chu Wanning’s heart just hurts once again. That ‘I love you’ rolled off Mo Ran’s lips so naturally, so easily, and he just-

He just wished it could be directed at him, and that’s incredibly stupid, because of course it can’t be. Because Mo Ran will never harbor such positive emotions towards him at any rate, not like the ones he has towards Mo Ran at least.

It’s actually just embarrassing how much he’s aching for Mo Ran to say these three words to him, like he’s not his student, and God, Chu Wanning hates himself so much.

“Don’t mind her,” Mo Ran says, still glaring at his friend, “let’s just go. Don’t bother with my stupid friends.”

“I’ll remind you of that next time you get wasted,” Nangong Si comments, and that makes Chu Wanning cock an eyebrow at him. Of course he gets wasted sometimes; no surprise here.

“Remember just what kind of stuff you told me and Ye Wangxi when you got drunk once-“

“Shut up!” Mo Ran barks back at Nangong Si, who just kind of grins at him a little bit. “None of that. We’re leaving.”

Once more, Mo Ran turns to leave, but this time, it’s Xue Meng who interrupts him.

“Hey, you dog,” he hisses, “remember your fucking diagnoses!”

“You little…!” Mo Ran starts, but then just clenches his fist instead, and puts on a smile again. “Right, Xue Meng, I will remember them! Just also remember the time you peed yourself in third grade because I refused to ask the teacher whether you could leave-“

“You fuckass!” he screams, and that’s when Mo Ran shuts the door behind him, laughing, and before Xue Meng can haul himself towards him.

Plum looks a tiny bit disturbed by the noise, so Chu Wanning leans down to pick her up. He’ll let her walk home though, he’s not going to carry her the entire way.

“Sorry, sorry,” Mo Ran laughs, “gotta pull out the hard measures sometimes. So, where’s the umbrella?”

“Here,” Chu Wanning says, picking up the umbrella he had previously discarded, only to realize a crucial factor, way too late. “…I only brought one.”

Mo Ran stares at him, and even Plum stares up at him, her whiskers trembling slightly, the pink raincoat making her heavier than she usually is.

Starting from his toes, heat travels up the entirety of Chu Wanning’s body. He’s only brought one umbrella, which means-

“You can have it,” he exclaims before he can so much as even think that they could share it. They can’t do that. He’d come way too close. He cannot deal with Mo Ran even just a step away like he is right now, so even closer than that? He might actually go insane in that case. He’d die, and then Mo Ran would have to live with the trauma of seeing his professor die in front of him, and he’d rather not do that to him.

“Huh? No, no, that’d mean you’d get all wet. Let’s just share.”

Get all wet, Chu Wanning repeats in his mind, precisely that would be the godforsaken issue!

“…No. I’m wearing a jacket. It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine,” Mo Ran sighs, gesturing towards the stairs. “Let’s just get going, come on. No one’s going to see, and if someone asks, you can literally just say that you were kind enough to walk me home because you saw me outside and didn’t want me to get soaked. No one’s going to think we live together, come on.”

And with that, Mo Ran just picks up the umbrella, and while Chu Wanning would rather get wet (his clothes and hair, nothing else) than share, he knows that it’d look stupid and petty, and Mo Ran is acting all normal about this – so if he doesn’t also act normal about this, wouldn’t Mo Ran be able to realize just what’s up with him?
Just what kind of feelings he harbors towards him?

So, Chu Wanning is left with no choice but to catch up to him, Plum still securely in his arms.

Once they reach the outside, Mo Ran opens the umbrella, and Chu Wanning lets the cat down, who just shakes herself again, but also sniffs at the next puddle she encounters very interestedly.

“She likes rain, hm?” Mo Ran laughs, holding the umbrella up properly, and Chu Wanning very gingerly steps below it, trying his best not to touch him. He would rather die than touch Mo Ran right now.

“Yes,” he responds, and Mo Ran still isn’t moving. “What?”

“You need to actually get below it. Or else, your shoulder is going to get completely wet,” he says, “I know you don’t like touching, and you probably don’t want to be too close to me and all that stuff, but just this once. You’ll catch a cold otherwise.”

“I won’t catch a cold!” Chu Wanning scoffs back, but he’s just met with a small laugh.

“Come on. It’s not a long walk, we’ll be home in no time.”

And then, Mo Ran just puts the umbrella between the two of them, and steps closer, until their shoulders are touching. Out of pure reflex, Chu Wanning looks up at him. He’s quite tall himself (which is probably why people don’t usually guess that he’s trans, apart from Mo Ran), but Mo Ran towers over him still, and he just kind of smiles down at him.

His eyes are red-rimmed, Chu Wanning suddenly realizes. They’re a little puffy, too, and almost a bit glassy.

“Did you cry?”

It’s slipped his tongue before he can stop it, and he’d love to just slap a hand over his mouth and jump off the bridge that they’re going to be crossing in a minute or two. He should know better than to ask his student something like that. It’s none of his business at all, but then again…

They’re roommates.

He’s allowed Mo Ran to call him by name, even, which is bad to begin with. What if he slips up in class? That’d be a bad look for both of them. What if someone realizes?

“Ah…” Mo Ran says, laughing a little awkwardly, and casting his eyes down at Plum, who’s walking in front of them, not below the umbrella; she has her coat on, so she won’t get more than her legs wet either way. “A little. It was nothing serious. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not-“ Chu Wanning starts, but cuts himself off. He’s worried, and he knows that, and he might not be able to pronounce the words, but lying about it would feel bad. “Was it… about the diagnoses Xue Meng mentioned?”

Now, Mo Ran actually just laughs, and from up close, that’s even more beautiful. It sounds even more beautiful. His heart skips a beat. His stomach literally feels like there are butterflies inside of it, and oh, Chu Wanning doesn’t know what to do with himself about it.

“Oh, no, no, don’t worry. I mean, kind of related, I guess? But don’t worry about it.”

“It’s not to do with class, right?” he asks, just to make sure. “If there’s any way I can accommodate you, then…”

“Ah- no, no, it was nothing related to that,” Mo Ran laughs again, and bumps his shoulder into Chu Wanning’s; which might just kill him. His heart and stomach are already doing things to him, and this is decidedly not helping whatsoever. “Don’t worry about that. I’m fine during your classes. As long as you don’t- call me out in front of everyone if I ever seem to lose concentration. I try my best.”

“…Okay,” Chu Wanning rasps out, hearing how weak his voice sounds himself. “can I ask why…?”

“Of course, of course. Got diagnosed with ADHD like, midway through middle school, ‘cause I was doing horribly. It’s fine. My uncle took good care of getting me all sorted out with meds and the like… I’m okay. Sometimes I zone out, especially if I forget my meds, but don’t worry! I’m trying and I can mostly force myself to listen. Just… I’ve gotten called out by teachers a lot in the past, so I’m a little sensitive to it.”

“I won’t do it,” Chu Wanning says, and makes an active mental note for that; after all, he does sometimes do it with others if they clearly zone out way too much. It’s for their own good. But Mo Ran sits first row. He can probably get away with just tapping his desk or something. He’ll try. Although up till now, Mo Ran seemed rather attentive – in fact, his gaze always seems to be on him, which, in turn, makes Chu Wanning incredibly nervous.

Because he’s in love with him.

How has this all gotten so bad?

The wind picks up a little, and Mo Ran adjusts the umbrella so that the raindrops, having changed their direction slightly, won’t hit them.

It feels nice, walking here with Mo Ran, like this. It feels weirdly intimate. It feels like something Chu Wanning could be doing his entire life, and maybe he can allow himself to be selfish just this once.

Nothing will come of it, and that’s okay, but he can at least get a taste of it.

Just once.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

“Anything else…?” Chu Wanning asks, but Mo Ran just quietly shakes his head.

“The rest isn’t anything you need to concern yourself with at any rate. And I’m mostly recovered. A lot of my diagnoses they actually took off the last time I was at the doctor’s. Xue Meng is just a little bitch to be honest.”

“Mo Ran. Language.”

“Hm, what did I- ah, called him a ‘bitch’, nearly forgot again.”

“Mo Ran!”

“Sorry, sorry. I love him, really, I swear. Just love teasing him, just what brothers do I suppose. I’ll stop calling him that, alright, alright. Plum’s looking really cute in her coat, by the way.”

He’s trying to change the course of the conversation, Chu Wanning notices. That’s okay. He’ll let him. If there are things Mo Ran doesn’t want to talk about, then he can accept that.

“It was the only one they had in her size,” he says, matter-of-factly. “She likes going outside, so she needs it.”

“Does she have any other clothes?”

“No,” Chu Wanning says, “we don’t go out too much in winter, so this coat is enough.”

“I see,” Mo Ran says, and his smile. Chu Wanning’s knees temporarily go weak, and he tries his absolute best not to let this get to him too much. He just feels so-

He feels like he’s going insane. This must be what going insane is like. His heartbeat, the feeling in his stomach, something like sickness but not really; the rattling of his breath whenever Mo Ran smiles at him like this, when he just so desperately wants to kiss him; he’s going insane.

He must be losing his mind.

“My other diagnoses are nothing you need to concern yourself with, though, I mean it,” he says, “just got some mental illnesses because of everything that happened as a child.”

“…Yeah. That makes sense,” Chu Wanning rasps out, remembering how Mo Ran has said that he did grow up on the streets for a while. He’s too similar to that little boy, but also not at all. He doesn’t even really look like him; not that you would be able to tell after all these years, obviously. And he may like milk candy too, but who doesn’t?
And besides… that boy would hate him.

So it can’t be him.

“Say, Chu Wanning.”

His name feels foreign coming from his lips, but Chu Wanning shudders at it all the same. He never thought that his own name could make him feel like this. So stupidly helpless.
He knows for a fact that if Mo Ran leaned over and kissed him, he couldn’t hold back- except that will never happen, because Mo Ran doesn’t want to kiss him.

“Hm?”

“When we’re home… you wanna maybe watch something together?”

“…Huh?”

Chu Wanning’s head snaps up, because what? That’s his student. What the hell are they meant to be watching together?

“Like- just if you want. I mean, we’re roommates and all, right? Well, flatmates, I suppose. I just- I quite enjoy it when you’re just in the kitchen when I cook and everything. I don’t know, I was just- never mind. It was probably stupid to ask.”

To make sure that he doesn’t actually fall because the weakness is right back in his knees now, and Chu Wanning straight up just stops walking. Mo Ran, too, stops, and brings the umbrella back towards him, some raindrops having hit him. Plum also comes to a halt, and then quickly retreats under the umbrella, to between their respective feet.

Mo Ran just asked him whether they could watch something together. He just proposed that, out of nowhere.

“That’s… ridiculous,” Chu Wanning comments, because that’s everything he knows how to do, because even though he so desperately just wants to say yes, he can’t. He has to remain professional. The thoughts in his mind of him and Mo Ran watching a romcom together while he snuggles up against his muscular arms are, decidedly, not at all professional. And yet-

“What would we even watch?”

At that, Mo ran seemingly perks up, like some kind of dog, and Chu Wanning can practically see his tail wagging even though he doesn’t have one.

“Oh, well, I was just thinking- I don’t know, what do you usually watch in your free time? You have free time, right?”

“Of course,” Chu Wanning says, “I keep my nights free.”

Once upon a time, he didn’t use to keep his nights free, and it drove him right to the brink of burnout; he did it both during his first year at university, after he’d betrayed his trust, because he tried to distract himself, and then again when he started as a professor. The first time, no one was there to tell him otherwise. The second time, it was his coworker at the orphanage that told him to take the next week off. Chu Wanning felt too bad saying no when she looked all worried that he did exactly that, and then he tried resting a little during the week instead so that he could work during the weekend, too.

“And what do you usually do?”

“…Work on personal projects,” he rasps out trying to ignore how much strength it takes to look Mo Ran in the eyes; or rather, how little strength it takes him to do so, when usually he can barely face someone. “If I ever make too much noise. Let me know.”

“You never watch anything?”

“Well… I’ve seen some historical dramas.”

He’s not going to tell Mo Ran what kind of historical dramas, because he’s sure he’d make fun of him.

“Oh, like cultivation dramas?”

“Hm.”

Cultivation was involved. Next to the five ongoing romance storylines. Chu Wanning is never going to admit to people – especially not to his student – that he enjoys watching romance dramas.

“Oh, that’s great! I mostly watch animated stuff, admittedly. We could try to watch an anime and see if you like it?”

“What kind?”

He’s not meant to be interested, and he’s not meant to agree, and the raindrops hitting the umbrella become louder by the second, but Chu Wanning isn’t hearing them at all; not when Mo Ran is all bubbly and smiling and so excited to watch anime with him. He wants to do something with him. His brain is trying to tell him that this is a date, when it so obviously isn’t.

“Ah, I mean, we could go for a popular one. I mean, you obviously like mechanics, and there’s one that’s kind of centered around this guy with a mechanical arm ‘n leg and all that. The storyline is pretty good. It’s Xue Meng’s favourite anime, and also among my favourites. If you don’t like it, we could stop-“

“Fine.”

God, he shouldn’t be agreeing to this, not at all.

“Alright!” Mo Ran says before he can take back what he’s said though. He raises his hand, and just for a millisecond, Chu Wanning wonders whether he might take his – he never does, but just lets it sink really awkwardly again. “When we’re back home then. And all dried off. We can watch it in the kitchen, that’s probably still the most comfortable, ‘cause… otherwise it’d have to be in one of our beds, or on the floor and-“

“In the kitchen,” Chu Wanning forces out from between clenched teeth, because the pure mention of being in one bed with Mo Ran might just be enough for him to need another stupid sanitary pad when they’re back home, and he’s not dealing with that humiliation today.

“Okay, it’s a deal then!”

“…Hm.”

It goes quiet for a while, and Chu Wanning is already trying to walk on, because this is just getting way too awkward. However, Mo Ran’s hand is suddenly on his upper arm, gripping it, and the look in his eyes is vastly different from the happy little smiles and glints. He looks- weirdly small, despite towering over Chu Wanning, his other hand clutching onto the umbrella as much as he’s clutching onto his arm.

“Chu Wanning.”

“…Yes?” he says, and tries desperately to struggle free, just so he can get rid of that stupid feeling that’s making his throat all clogged up.

“I was just wondering whether you-“

Whatever Mo Ran was going to say, he stops himself, because there’s suddenly such a strong gust of wind that the umbrella makes a very awful cracking sound, Chu Wanning immediately tightens his grasp on Plum’s leash, and then, rain hits both of them.

Way too stunned to speak on anything, the umbrella having folded on itself in a weirdly distorted manner, Chu Wanning feels harsh drops of rain splash across his head and shoulders and back and literally everywhere because of how the wind is throwing them through the air. He looks up at Mo Ran, who blinks a few times, and Chu Wanning does the only thing that makes sense.

He rips his arm away, and also rips the umbrella out of Mo Ran’s hands, clasping it under his arm, and then leaning down to pick up Plum, opening his jacket just enough to awkwardly stuff her inside and hold her like this.

“Let’s go home!” he shouts, because the wind and rain are both stupidly loud.

A little confused, Mo Ran just nods, and then grabs the umbrella back from Chu Wanning.

“I’ll carry it, you take care of Plum!”

And then, they both take off. Mo Ran is a little faster than him, and Chu Wanning runs as fast as he can to keep up with him, Mo Ran already reaching into his pocket for the keys. Plum inside of his jacket is keeping quiet, but she’s also got her claws inside of his t-shirt for hold, which does hurt a little, but whatever. He’s not going to have anything hurt her, given just how strong this wind suddenly is.

Running like this, it doesn’t take long for them to reach the yard, and thus also their flat. Mo Ran has the door unlocked in a split second, and he ushers Chu Wanning inside, who just nods at him, not caring about leaving behind any footprints for now (he’s not going to be the one cleaning anyways), and just walking a few steps into the flat so Mo Ran can follow. He does, and closes the door, dropping the keys on the sideboard.

The first thing Chu Wanning does is let Plum down, and crouch down to give her a few reassuring pats, since she looks a little shaken at the whole thing, but she pushes her little head into his hand, so he’s assuming she’s fine. He reaches for her coat and unzips it, and she meows a bit as he makes her step out of it. She doesn’t mind wearing it, but she hates getting in and out of it, but she’ll have to put up with that, and Chu Wanning isn’t having her antics anymore.

Meanwhile, Mo Ran is still breathing hard in the door, and he takes off his shoes first, placing them on the small carpet in front of the door.

“Alright, we’ve made it,” he laughs, “whew, that was some strong wind. I’m sorry, Chu Wanning, but your umbrella seems to be wrecked.”

“I can probably repair it,” Chu Wanning answers, standing back up, and then also taking off his shoes before he can leave more dirt around the house.

Mo ran steps to the side so he can line them up next to his.

“What did you want to ask me?” he says, because that weird, haunted look on Mo Ran’s face hasn’t yet left him; that vulnerability inside of his eyes, like he was all terrified of whatever he was about to say.

Like he didn’t actually want to ask.

“Ah… it’s not important,” Mo Ran answers. “I’ll ask you another day.”

‘Not important’? With that look on his face?

“Mo Ran-“

“No,” he say, and shakes his head, very decidedly. “it’s not important. Don’t mind it. Instead, focus on getting out of these clothes, you’re all soaked.”

And Chu Wanning’s back goes ramrod straight.

Images flood his mind; images of Mo Ran gripping him by his waist, telling him to get out of his clothes. A hand sneakily slipping into his pants, into his underwear, cupping him, fingers searching and finding, telling him that he’s all soaked-

Images of Mo Ran leaning down to kiss him as a finger sinks into him, and then another, and Chu Wanning hasn’t ever actually put something inside, so he has no idea what that’d feel like, but he suddenly feels so empty, and he barely even knows what to imagine, and yet-

“Can’t-“ Chu Wanning tries, then clears his throat trying his hardest to push all those stupid pictures right back down to wherever the hell they came from. “I can’t yet. I need to get Plum clean and dry first.”

“Oh!” Mo Ran says, and it’s with that stupid hearty laugh again; Chu Wanning will pointedly ignore that he’s currently being overrun with the desire to hear that laugh as Mo Ran pushes his fingers inside again, telling him that he’s being good and-

He needs genuine help.

“I’ll help! What do you need? I can hold her or something. I guess she doesn’t mind bathing?”

Plum looks up at them, seated where she is, her body mostly dry, just her head, tail, and legs being wet.

“I’m just going to get her paws a little clean, that’s all,” Chu Wanning says, and at least thoughts of his cat make the other thoughts disappear. “She can clean them herself in theory, but I don’t want her to get the floor all dirty. You can hold her if you want. I’ll just grab the cat shampoo.”

“Sure!”

And Chu Wanning flees to his room.

Once inside, he opens the wardrobe, grabs the shampoo, and then takes a few deep breaths. He can do this. He can be totally normal about Mo Ran in a wet t-shirt that’s clinging not just to his biceps, but also to his pecs, and to what must be a six-pack or something, he swears.

To hell with it all, Chu Wanning has never felt this kind of attraction before, and he’s just not used to this. Why his student? It’s bad enough that he has a romantic crush on him, why does this have to extend to him being insufferably horny for him?

Another deep breath.

He can do this.

Mo Ran offered to hold Plum, and frankly that’s a good thing, because she oftentimes does struggle. She’s fine with water, but she doesn’t really like the shampoo and the shower itself.

So, he’ll accept that offer; or rather, he’s already accepted it. So now he just has to stick to his word and actually let Mo Ran help, even if that probably includes some closer proximity and even if it includes Mo Ran probably not changing his shirt for this because they’re probably both going to end up showering before changing.

“No, Plum, no escaping!” Mo Ran says, and that’s when Chu Wanning gathers the courage to step back out of the room. Mo Ran is holding Plum in place, who stares up at him; relaxed, but also seemingly annoyed. However, Mo Ran is stronger, and he picks her up and dumps her right in the shower. Chu Wanning follows suit, and Mo Ran ends up sitting on the closed toilet, leaning down to hold her in place, while Chu Wanning grabs the (luckily detachable) shower head, and the shampoo.

“It’ll be over fast,” he says to her, and does his best to concentrate on her instead of Mo Ran and his hands that he wished where somewhere completely else.

Plum looks up at both of them; not quite terrified, but definitely not stoked for the experience, either. She lets Chu Wanning soap up her legs though, and also her tail, and she lets him shower it out, looking all drenched and wet and soppy to the point that every few seconds, Mo Ran just kind of laughs at her.

She only hisses when Chu Wanning makes quick work of her paws and squishes them a little, which she’s not particularly fond of; but she doesn’t scratch him, so that’s good enough.

Then, he rinses her legs and tail, and she shakes herself so hard afterwards that even if him and Mo Ran weren’t already completely soaked, they’d be now.

“Ah, sweet, sweet girl,” Mo Ran laughs, petting her wet little body, and then handing Chu Wanning one of the small towels. It’s one of Mo Ran’s towels, since it’s a dark purple. Chu Wanning only owns white ones.

He takes it from him nonetheless, and starts patting her down a little. This, she doesn’t mind as much, and lets him dry her properly.

“Hmn,” he says, though, because Mo Ran is right. She’s a very sweet girl.

“You picked her off the streets, right?” he suddenly asks, and, still distracted with how he’s patting her paws dry, Chu Wanning answers.

“Yeah. She was out in the rain. I picked her up and checked whether she belonged to anyone, hung up posters and stuff. But no one wanted her back, so I kept her. She was full of fleas and worms, and I paid a lot of money to get her back on track.”

“I see,” Mo Ran says, petting her head a few times while Chu Wanning takes care of the rest of her paws. “You got really lucky then, Plum, hm? Good girl.”

Chu Wanning wishes he didn’t have a physical reaction at the last part. Hell. He’s not even a girl. He shouldn’t be jolting at Mo Ran saying that, not in the least. If he had at least said ‘good boy’, then Chu Wanning would still understand.

No, he wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t, because just how starved for praise is he if this affects him this much? That’s plainly disgusting. This is his student; he should be praising Mo Ran if anything, not the other way around. Well, of course he didn’t actually praise Chu Wanning. He praised his cat. Who is female. Chu Wanning isn’t female. He’s trans, and he struggles seeing himself as a man sometimes, but deep down, he’ll always know it’s true.

“You okay?” Mo Ran asks, because he must’ve noticed Chu Wanning twitching.

“Yes,” he says very curtly, because he’s not going to tell Mo Ran that him praising his cat got him all-

He’s going to have to grab a pad after his shower, just in case. He’s not sleeping in wet underwear later.

“I’m glad you took her in. She’s very worth getting kicked out for, too,” Mo Ran says, laughing so softly once more when Plum jumps onto his lap, leaning up until her nose touches Mo Ran’s chin. “Ah, sweet girl, yes, I love you too, you’re so worth getting kicked out for, hm? So happy you got such a nice owner, yes, I bet-“

…Huh.

Did Mo Ran just… call him… nice?

Nice?

Did Mo Ran just…?

No. He must’ve misheard. He must’ve maybe been referring to himself. Calling himself nice, because he’s basically her second owner by now. Yeah. That must be it. Because Chu Wanning isn’t a nice person, and even if some people like Shi Mei and the little girl at work might think so, that doesn’t mean it’s true. He tries to be a nice person, but he knows he isn’t; he’s cold and easy to anger, unforgiving and strict, and on top of that, he also breaks his promises.

At least he’s never broken his promise to Plum.

He’s kept her alive, and well, and they’ve both got a roof above their heads. He’s not going to leave her.

Not like him-

He needs to stop thinking about him already. It’s been what, fifteen whole years? Why has it been so bad recently? He knows it’s probably because of Mo Ran’s name, which is stupid. It’s just a name. Nothing more to it than that.

He did end up calling the orphanage again, the other day. It was to no avail. They’re still not allowed to tell him anything, and frankly, they’re probably going to get rid of all kinds of documents about him soon, anyways.

“Alright,” Mo Ran suddenly says, putting Plum down and then getting up from the toilet, stretching a little. Chu Wanning decidedly doesn’t look. Instead, he puts the towel away, and watches as Mo Ran leaves the bathroom. “You can shower first, if you want. Make sure not to catch a cold, alright?”

Not managing more than a nod, Chu Wanning does end up agreeing ot this – even if it’s only to get rid of Mo Ran and get some time for himself.

…And also grab himself whatever he needs to not feel uncomfortable down below.

He quickly goes into his room and grabs new underwear and socks, and then goes back to the shower, while Mo Ran retreats to his room; probably to prepare for showering himself.

Chu Wanning will be fast, it’s fine.

He locks the door once he’s kicked Plum out, and gets to it. He’ll just let his hair dry, so that’s whatever. In the span of ten minutes, he’s done and out, and, with horror, realizes one thing.

The thought of grabbing himself a t-shirt hasn’t occurred to him, and he doesn’t have one, and there’s a reason for that – he hasn’t done his laundry yet. He was meant to do that today, and then forgot it over going to fetch Mo Ran.

So, what he does is put his wet t-shirt back on and feel like an even wetter cat than Plum.

When he leaves the bathroom, Mo Ran is already in the door, probably having heard him coming out; he’s carrying his clothes already, and scans him up and down.

“Why are you wearing that wet shirt again? You’ll catch a cold like that.”

“…I don’t have any others left.”

“…What?”

“I didn’t do my laundry!” Chu Wanning spits, and he does feel bad for getting loud with Mo Ran again, but he can’t help it.

“Oh,” Mo Ran says, “wait here.”

And so, Chu Wanning waits, because he’s way too stunned to react. Mo Ran disappears into his room, and comes back out a minute later, holding a t-shirt in his hand. It’s light blue, and has a small rainbow on it, so it must clearly be a pride t-shirt.

“Here,” he says, “it’s the closest I could find in material to the stuff you usually wear. Please do your laundry though.”

He’s offering him his shirt. Mo Ran is offering him his shirt. Like it’s the most normal thing in the world. And he even checked the material because yeah, it’s true; Chu Wanning is very particular about the material of his shirts.

He’s…

How the hell is he meant to not fall for him even harder like this?

This totally warrants another moment of weakness, he thinks, so he just reaches out his hand and takes the t-shirt from Mo Ran.

“I’d offer to do your laundry for you but… I’d rather not,” Mo Ran says, and yeah, no, that’d be way too much.

“I’ll turn on the machine once the rain has gotten better,” he forces out of himself, his hands closing more around the shirt, gripping it, because this is going to be the most he’ll ever feel like Mo Ran’s-

Partner? Boyfriend? God, he’s thirty-two years old. He needs to get a grip.

(Just for a little, it should be fine though.)

“Okay,” Mo Ran says, “I’ll go shower then, and then we can watch anime, if you want? I’ll just reheat yesterday’s potato soup for dinner, so…”

“…We can,” Chu Wanning says, because he’s weak today. Not just today, okay, but especially today. And it’s Mo Ran who’s offering all these things – not accepting them might just be rude.

Maybe, Mo Ran is just trying to get him to give him better grades. That won’t work, though, because Chu Wanning doesn’t allow bribery. He’s not letting any personal emotions influence his grading, either.

Shi Mei has also had to learn that the hard way, he supposes.

He’s ought to talk to him again one of these days. It’s been a while.

“Okay, great!” Mo Ran exclaims, picking his clothes off his bed again, and then giving him another stupid smile before disappearing into the bathroom and locking the door.

Accompanied by Plum, Chu Wanning retreats to his own room, strips himself off his wet t-shirt (without looking at the mirror, because even after his top surgery, he still just finds himself ugly, and he doesn’t need the reminder right now), and then takes up Mo Ran’s.

With shaking hands, he brings it up to his nose, and-

No. Okay. He’s not a creep. That’s out of pocket.

Instead of sniffing Mo Ran’s stupid fucking t-shirt, he quickly puts it on.

It reaches his thighs, and the sleeves reach nearly into the crooks of his arms, and the t-shirts V-neck does also reveal his collarbones. He can’t imagine he looks very good in this.
Not like it matters. Not like Mo Ran would think he looks good in anything, anyways.

This time, when Chu Wanning takes the shirt’s neckline between his fingers and brings it up to his nose to smell the last remnants of Mo Ran beneath the laundry detergent because he can't keep himself from it anymore, he thinks to himself that, weirdly enough, even this t-shirt seems to smell just a bit of milk candy.

Chapter Text

Mo Ran is so incredibly normal about Chu Wanning wearing the pride t-shirt that Xue Zhengyong gifted him when he came out as bisexual to his family.

He’s normal about the way it reveals much more of his collarbones than his usual t-shirt, way too long on him to the point that, when he went for the fridge to grab the bottle of lemonade they have in it by actively reaching upwards, the t-shirt only slid up to his butt – not a sliver of naked skin revealed because of how long it is.
Mo Ran is also very normal about how the colour accentuates his eyes, how it makes his skin look even softer somehow, and yeah, man, Chu Wanning’s skin looks soft but Mo Ran’s dick certainly isn’t.

Well, it’s not that bad. He got off in the shower earlier, just to make sure he could somewhat keep himself under control. He’s just trying to concentrate his hardest on cleaning the countertop because Plum thought it’d be a good idea to sit on it, and Chu Wanning decided that it’d be a good idea to stroke the entirety of her on it, so now there’s… a lot of cat hair on it. And Mo Ran would rather not be eating that amount of cat hair, please and thank you.

“Alright,” Mo Ran says, “once I’m done cleaning, I'll reheat the soup, should I make something else still?”

“…What do we still have?” Chu Wanning asks, at this point seated in his usual spot with his German kids book, Plum plastered across his lap – Mo ran wished that were him.

“Uh… a lot of potatoes that we should be getting rid of, but not on top of potato soup. We still have other vegetables to put in, too, in the freezer, I guess. That'd work. Can you check?”

“No.”

“Hm?”

“I have a cat in my lap. Obviously, I cannot check,” he says like it’s the most normal and comprehensible thing in the world and honestly? Yeah.

“You’re right. You can’t go check,” Mo Ran agrees, but makes sure to throw him a little smile over his shoulder. Chu Wanning freezes at that, and then glares at him like that German book in his hands is going to land square in Mo Ran’s face in the amount of time it takes for it to traverse half the kitchen.

Mo Ran thus finishes wiping the surfaces, and throws the sponge cloth he was using away. It was quite old anyways. Grabbing a new one, he then also looks into the fridge, and opens the freezer. Indeed, there’s still some cauliflower and broccoli, and he has soup greens anyways, so he might as well-

“Ah, I’ll just let myself in if the door is open!”

Now, it’s Mo Ran’s turn to freeze. He smashes the freezer door shut as it is.

“Phew, you’ve decorated a little, haven’t you, Ran-er?” comes a voice he knows all too well, and for a few seconds, Mo Ran wonders why he’s panicking – then, he realizes. It’s because Chu Wanning is with him right now. Because that’s his professor. And his roommate. And-

“Your auntie made some beef stew, though without chili ‘cause I thought I was going to take some to Chu Wanning, you probably know how he is by now, never really accepts help and-“

When Xue Zhengyong actually appears in the door to the kitchen, holding two large round lunchboxes full of beef stew – well, that’s their additional dinner, Mo Ran guesses – he nearly drops them.

Only nearly, because Xue Zhengyong would never drop something his wife made.

“Oh,” he says, blinking a few times, his gaze shifting from Mo Ran to Chu Wanning a few times. “Okay.”

For a while, that’s all he says, and Mo Ran, still standing in front of the freezer, also has not a single idea of how to even begin explaining why exactly his mechanical engineering professor is sitting in his kitchen all relaxed, arguing with him over whether or not he can get up with a cat on his lap, the floor filled with said cat’s fur because it’s hot and summer and she’s shedding like hell.

“Uhm…” Xue Zhengyong starts again, and Mo Ran can literally see how hard the cogs in his mind are turning, how he’s trying so hard to make this conversation not awkward, “Ran-er, are you doing so poorly that Chu Wanning has to give you private lessons?”

“What private lessons,” Chu Wanning spits, “I do not mind teaching my students things during my office hours if needed, but I would not be doing that in their own homes.”
“Right,” Xue Zhengyong says. “Right.”

So, he just looks at the two of them in absolute confusion, because Chu Wanning’s explanation probably just made this worse, actually. It’s Mo Ran who becomes scrutinized properly the next second, not Chu Wanning, even though Mo Ran would argue that Chu Wanning is the person of greater interest here – after all, Mo Ran is in his own flat. He has every right to be here.

…So does Chu Wanning, since he also lives with him now.

That’s when something occurs to Mo Ran.

“Wait. Did Meng-er not text you yet?” he asks, and Xue Zhengyong just looks at him a little confused, then shakes his head.

“Not that I’d know?” he says with a short look at his phone once he’s placed the two lunchboxes of beef stew on the table, in front of Chu Wanning and Plum.

“Oh. Oh wow. Xue Meng actually shut his trap when I asked him to for once,” Mo Ran says, and it earns him Xue Zhengyong’s hand in his hair, ruffling it for a bit with a laugh.
“Don’t be mean to your little brother, you know what he’s like. So, anyways, what’s this all about? Is there any… relationship here that I should be aware of?”

Oh, Mo Ran thinks, there is in fact one you should be aware of, however I wished that there was even more here than just this being the guy who practically saved my life.

“Not at all,” Chu Wanning answers, and Mo Ran has to hold back from laughing so hard when Chu Wanning’s response is accompanied by slightly red cheeks. Ah, he also took it that way, huh? Xue Zhengyong must’ve meant it that exact way, to be fair; classic professor fucking his student scandal stereotype and all.

(Not that Chu Wanning would be the one doing the fucking, of course.)

“I got kicked out of my flat.”

That one catches Mo Ran by surprise – Chu Wanning isn’t look at Xue Zhengyong while he explains, but he’s doing his explaining nonetheless. Mo Ran knows that he’s been putting this off for ages, when his uncle is basically his closest friend, who probably deserves to know that his friend got thrown out of his home.

“For various reasons,” he goes on, “I searched for flats and hotels, but there were none directly available, and before I become homeless-“

The ‘again’ hangs in the air; Mo Ran can tell. His uncle probably can’t, but Mo Ran hears it in the way Chu Wanning’s breath hitches, the way he hesitates for a second before carrying on.

“So, I decided to calls student services, and the only rooms still available were your son’s, and Shi Mei’s.”

“…And you weren’t going to live with Shi Mei after the stuff that happened with him and his brother,” Xue Zhengyong concludes, and does so with a little laugh, which means that he must definitely know of Hua Binan’s advances towards Chu Wanning. Mo Ran better never meet that guy – he’s fed up enough as it is with Shi Mei.

“…Yeah, I’m still looking for flats,” Chu Wanning responds, “there’s not a lot, and I’ve already looked at two, but they didn’t accept me because there was a single mother with a child for both. Which is fair.”

“You did?” Mo Ran asks, and literally feels something inside of him shatter. He’d just sort of been living under the illusion that just maybe, Chu Wanning wasn’t actually looking for new flats. That maybe, he was looking for excuses to stay with him or something, but no. No, apparently, he actually is looking for a new flat.
He’s actually looking to get away from him.

Both his therapist’s and Ye Wangxi’s voices are immediately in his head telling him that he’s being irrational, that this is his professor, and he obviously can’t keep living with him for so many reasons, but Mo Ran very impolitely tells them both to shut up. He doesn’t care. He’s allowed to feel really fucking hurt when everything he wants is to just keep Chu Wanning around this time.

He’d lost him for fifteen years. Fifteen years.

He can’t lose him again.

“Hm? Of course. I’ve decided against hotels because that’s too expensive. I’ll… probably be imposing on you for a little longer.”

A ‘good’ nearly slips Mo Ran’s tongue, but he bites it the fuck back. Chu Wanning doesn’t need to know those things. Not at all. He doesn’t need to know just how many feelings are swirling inside of him right now to the point it makes him dizzy, and he can’t tell any of them apart at all.

“Ran-er? You okay?” Xue Zhengyong suddenly asks, and paired with his steady hand on his shoulder, Mo Ran snaps out of it. He’ll probably feel like crap again later, but right now, this helps. Greatly.

“Yeah,” he says, but his voice comes out a little raspy. “Sorry, just… spaced out for a bit.”

Xue Zhenygong gives him another one of these glances, as if he’s trying his absolute hardest to figure out the situation right now; instead of asking Mo Ran questions, though, he instead goes back to questioning Chu Wanning.

“You know you could always crash at mine?”

“I didn’t want to-“

“Cause me any trouble, I know,” Xue Zhengyong asks, “no worries about such things. I wouldn’t mind. You’re not home a lot anyways, right? I’d manage. And I suppose your reason for getting kicked out is in your lap?”

That one’s said with a grin on his face, and Mo Ran also can’t help but let out a small chuckle at how, right then, Plum stretches, showing both her teeth and claws, and then curls back up in Chu Wanning’s lap. She puts one of her paws over her eyes, as if it’s way too bright for her right now.

“…Yeah. One of them.”

“One of them,” Xue Zhenygong echoes, “just what else did you do?”

“Uh…” Chu Wanning starts, but never actually explains. Mo Ran does still have his theory about that one damned food moth he saw when Chu Wanning first moved in. It wasn’t from his flat, that much was for sure – there was not a single food moth in the traps in the past few weeks at all. It must’ve either been a stray one, or Chu Wanning brought it in.
He thinks that he’d rather not know.

“Well, either way,” he continues, “I won’t like, snitch or anything. I don’t really care as long as you’re treating Ran-er accordingly. And as long as Ran-er isn’t bothering you too much, or trying to blackmail you for grades or anything.”

“I wished that worked on him,” Mo Ran sighs, “but no, don’t worry, he’s still as strict with me as ever.”

“Of course, that’s how I know him. So, I suppose I leave both boxes of beef stew with you guys?”

“…Yeah,” Mo Ran says, because that really is their dinner saved. “That’d be great. Did Xue Meng really not-“

And, speaking of the devil, Xue Zhengyong’s phone make its notification sound. He slowly pulls it out and laughs, so Mo Ran assumes it must be Xue Meng. In a single second however, his expression changes, and then he looks at both Mo Ran and Chu Wanning and then back at Mo Ran.

“Oh, that little bastard,” Mo Ran hisses, even if he doesn’t really know what Xue Meng has effectively texted him, but given that Xue Zhengyong’s gaze is still shifting between the two of them, he can guess.

“Oh,” he says with an awkward laugh. “Oh, well.”

“I’m not- talking about this. Whatever he wrote,” Mo Ran says, and tries to snatch Xue Zhengyong’s phone from him, but sadly, Xue Zhengyong is still a bit taller than him.

“What did Xue Meng write?” Chu Wanning asks, and Mo Ran absolutely fucking panics, because Xue Zhengyong has never been and will never be good at lying, so he does the only thing that makes sense to him. He takes his uncle by the shoulders and starts shoving him towards the door.

“Hey- Ran-er, wait-“

“Never mind,” Mo Ran says, “I’m talking about it. Outside.”

That luckily shuts his uncle up enough for now, and he lets himself be brought outside, leaving behind a very dumbfounded Chu Wanning, who looked so damned cute that Mo Ran wished he could just bend him over their table and fuck him till he passes out, but ah, not with his uncle here anyways.

Not ever, actually, because Chu Wanning doesn’t like him that way, and he should be aware of that by now.

Once they’re outside, Mo Ran half-closes the door, and then leads him to behind the house to make sure Chu Wanning doesn’t hear any of this.

Because honestly – right now, Mo Ran wants to tell him. Partly, he feels like he has to, because he’s been hiding this for so long, but on the other side, he also just…

He wants to.

Mo Ran wants to tell the person who’s taken care of him for the past fifteen years just what’s on his mind, what’s been bothering him for so long.

It just- he’s been bottling this up for so long, and he’s only told Xue Meng because he really had to, but surely if anyone is willing to listen to him then it’s Xue Zhengyong, right?

Not that Mo Ran deserves being listened to, not exactly, but he always keeps telling him just how fine and alright and okay it’d be if Mo Ran did want to talk.

So maybe it is.

And right now, his skin is still itching, because Chu Wanning is planning to move out again, and he has not a single idea of how he’d survive that. How he’d survive without Chu Wanning again.

“What did he text you?” is the first thing he asks, and he can literally feel his hands clamping up in a panic. He doesn’t know why he’s just been feeling so awfully on edge today. Everything has happened too fast. The milk candy Chu Wanning gifted him, his conversations with his friends. Fine, maybe Nangong Si talking about his awful uncle did upset him a little bit. Chu Wanning walking him home below one single umbrella. Getting Plum cleaned up together with him, giving him his t-shirt. Seeing him with his white t-shirt from before that was clinging to his body like it was holding on for dear life. Xue Zhengyong finding out what both him and Chu Wanning had been hiding for weeks now, which is why Mo Ran literally only ever went over to Xue Zhengyong’s and not the other way around, always finding some kind of stupid excuse.

“Not really a lot,” Xue Zhengyong says, eyeing him up from head to toe again. “Just that he’s the one who took care of you as a child. Does he know?”

“Who?”

Mo Ran feels so stupidly out of it, and he wished he didn’t. God, he’s going to take one of those tablets he has for travel sickness, because they make him tired, and then zonk the fuck out for the entire night, because otherwise, he’d probably just be lying awake unable to sleep. He’d just smoke some weed, but he has a strong feeling that Chu Wanning would smell that and scold him.

“Chu Wanning. Does he know who you are?”

“No,” Mo Ran makes, “no, I don’t think he knows. I don’t know if he remembers me. I’m really not sure he- I mean, he wants to leave again now, so-“

“Ssh, calm down,” Xue Zhengyong says, and then his hands are back on Mo Ran’s shoulders, both of them, gripping him tightly, but not tightly enough to hurt. “Deep breaths, Ran-er. You’re freaking out.”

His vision is, in fact, a little blurry. He does as instructed, and breathes the best he can. It doesn’t help a lot, but it does help a little. A little is better than nothing.

“You haven’t talked to him about it?”

“I don’t know how,” Mo Ran says, “what if he sees me as the same little shitty brat from back then, I couldn’t- he left me, and I haven’t heard from him in so long, and now he’s going to leave again because I’m terrified that he’d leave even earlier if I told him.”

Slowly, Xue Zhengyong starts rubbing his thumbs on his shoulders, still looking at him.

“It’s fine. No one is making you. Is he the one-“

“The one I always apparently cried about, which I barely remembered until Xue Meng told me about it. I know you- tried to find him and stuff. Even not knowing his name. I’m sorry I put you through so much-“

“No,” Xue Zhengyong says, and this time, his grip actually hurts a little. But that’s a good thing, because it snaps Mo Ran back out of it again, even if just for a little while. “Don’t apologize, Ran-er. I never mentioned his name to you, did I?”

“No. I mean- Xue Meng knew. I suppose. So it was- unfortunate.”

“Yeah. That was unfortunate. I didn’t know he was the one, Ran-er. Otherwise, I would’ve long told you and have had you two meet up.”

“It’s- not your fault,” Mo Ran says, and he tries to take another deep breath. He knows he has to stop freaking out, because this is so unhelpful. “I’m just so scared. I don’t know why, because he hasn’t really changed, but I’m so scared, and he never came back. Did he ever mention me in any way?”

“…I won’t lie to you, Ran-er. I don’t think he has. But he doesn’t talk a lot about himself. And you haven’t mentioned him to us, either.”

Yeah. That’s fair. It doesn’t even make him freak out harder. Wow, Ye Wangxi would be so proud of him for that.

“He promised he’d come back to me, and then he didn’t. He didn’t come back, so he probably actually disliked me, and he was just-“

This time, it’s not hands on his shoulders anymore. No, instead, Mo Ran receives a very loving and light slap to the back of his head.

“Oof,” he mumbles, even when it doesn’t hurt at all, and Xue Zhengyong gives him a short laugh.

“Ran-er, stop talking for a while. Just breathe with me, okay? Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“…I think I better sit down,” he says, given how his vision is back to blurry now.

Xue Zhengyong nods, and helps him sit down into the grass below. It tickles his thighs where his shorts aren’t reaching, and his uncle sits down with him in the end, casually wrapping one arm around him.

And then, Mo Ran just lets himself breathe. It takes a long while until his thoughts finally become clearer again, a bit more rational.

“He didn’t dislike you at any rate,” Xue Zhengyong says once he seems to sense that Mo Ran is faring a little better. “You know that just as much as I do. He always comes off as very cold and harsh, but deep down, he’s a very warm person. And if he took such good care of you for a year, then you know that. So don’t be unfair on him, hm?”

“Yeah,” Mo Ran rasps out. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m just really scared, and I feel like I’ve missed my chance to address it at this point. Like, I just- I wouldn’t know how. I couldn’t take it if he actually forgot me, although yeah. You’re right. He probably hasn’t, but… I’m still scared because what if."

When Xue Zhengyong pulls him closer, Mo Ran lets him. He lets his cheek drop against his shoulder, and it feels like he’s a little kid all over again. But, somehow, Xue Zhengyong makes him feel like that’s okay.

“It’s obviously up to you. But you should talk to him about it at one point. But I know how much he cherishes the children he works with. I mean, he’s learning German for a single little girl, Ran-er. I can assure you he still remembers you. He was how old at the time?”

“Seventeen. He went off to college. That’s why he left. But he promised to be there on the day I got adopted by you, and he wasn’t. And- I mean, there was probably a reason. There was probably another reason for there not being any letters and all, too. But it still hurt me a lot, y’know?”

At the last bit, he feels his fucking eyes sting again. Please – he’s already cried once today, he doesn’t need to go again. Maybe it’s precisely because he’s already cried that he feels like he’s about to do it again right away. With a sigh, he gives up, sniffs once, and lets his tears fall.

Whatever.

It’s just Xue Zhengyong.

“Yeah,” he says, rubbing his arm in soothing circles, “you’re allowed to be hurt by it. You’ve ought to talk about this with him, one day, when you’re ready. God, I can’t believe it’s him. I’ve been friends with him for so long now, and I wouldn’t ever have guessed it was him. We did try finding him, but they weren’t allowed to give out personal information about former co-workers. They said they’d pass him a message, but maybe they’ve never made it to him. Who knows.”

(Neither of them know that one of the reasons Chu Wanning got kicked out of his flat was literally because he has a very bad habit of not opening his mail ever.)

“Yeah. You really think he didn’t do it on purpose?”

“Others might,” Xue Zhengyong admits. “But I don’t think he would. He’s so sincerely not the type to forget such things, Mo Ran. He’s always on time and everything, too, so there must’ve been a reason. It’s either asking or overthinking it, hm?”

“Yeah. I can’t ask yet. I’ve tried to earlier, but I couldn’t get the words out either way, so I kind of just… gave up. It’s fine. It’s- better.”

“Ran-er,” Xue Zhengyong says eventually, and lightly brushes through his hair once. “Look. Please don’t take this in any way in an accusatory tone, because that’s not how I mean it. But you know that even if you don’t consider us your family, we’re always here for you? Chuqing, too. Xue Meng, too, even if he sounds like he hates you sometimes, okay? So even if you didn’t come to us with too many of your problems before, you’re always free to start doing so. None of us mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

Now that catches Mo Ran off-guard. Not because Xue Zhengyong said that he can talk to them about his problems, no. He knows as much. He knows they wouldn’t mind – it’s just that he minds.

“I do,” he says, burying his face into the shoulder of the man who’s raised him ever since he was five years old.

“Hm?”

“See you- see you as family. How could I not?”

“I mean, we’re obviously not your mom-“

“Of course you’re not,” Mo Ran says, hating how choked up his voice really sounds at this point. He grasps at Xue Zhengyong’s button-up with both hands then, scared that he, too, might leave if Mo Ran tells him what he feels about him. Because that’s what people tend to do, kind of. He doesn’t mean it in an angsty way, either – Mo Ran is just well-aware that he’s a lot as a person, and not everyone can handle that.

He just hopes that wasn’t the case for why Chu Wanning never came back.

“But you don’t have to be my mom. You’re not her. Neither is auntie. I’m not asking you to be. No one can ever replace her, even if I- don’t remember her that well. But I can have more than just one parent. And you’re- I just don’t deserve you.”

“Huh? That’s why? I thought the entire time that you just don’t see us as parents because you know, we’re not actually related, and neither me nor Chuqing really minded, because you have no obligation to see us that way. But it’s just because you think that you don’t deserve us?”

“Well-“

Now that Xue Zhengyong is saying it, it does sound kind of stupid.

“I just… I’m not really a good son, am I? I mean, you spent a fortune on my therapy and getting my ADHD diagnosed and stuff. Way too many teacher-parent conferences. Way too many trips to the hospital and police considering how often I beat people up and vice-versa.”

“You won most of the time, at least,” Xue Zhengyong laughs, and then wraps his arms around him to pull him close. “It doesn’t matter, Ran-er. None of that matters. That’s what parents are supposed to do for their children after all, right?”

“Nangong Yan or whatever his name is might disagree.”

“Okay, alright, so the Nangong’s are not a good reference for family, but yeah, I’ve hard about the new drama from Chuqing already. The man’s crazy in my opinion. But no. So sincerely, Ran-er. We all love you, and you’re just a son to us. You would be even if you didn’t view us that way, I promise. C’mere.”

And Mo Ran believes him, because Xue Zhengyong pulls him closer until they’re just two grown men crying into each others’ shoulders.

There’s no way he can’t believe that Xue Zhengyong truly loves him like a son when he hugs him like that.

“I’m really, really glad you do see us as family, though, Ran-er. Seriously, not deserving? Did you ever think that way about Xue Meng? Did you ever think I felt that way about him?”

“Well- no,” Mo Ran admits, and he knows he’s being hypocritical. He knows that Xue Zhengyong would never dare to say that Xue Meng isn’t his son, even if he’s not his biological father. And Xue Meng very clearly said that Xue Zhengyong is his father and no one else, especially after meeting that guy a few times and ah – that did not go well at all. Everyone has agreed to simply not be involved after that.

“See? Then why think that way about yourself? And ah, whatever. So, we spent a lot of money on you. You really think we didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into, seeing all your files and stuff? I mean, obviously you weren’t my brother’s child, but who knows where he is. We were too deep into the process and thought we’d give you a home anyways. You seemed like you needed it.”

“Yeah. I did. I did need a home. And you did give me one.”

Mo Ran clutches onto him harder, bites back another stupid sob. He knows his eyes must be all red by now, which is bad, because that means Chu Wanning will once more ask him why he’s been crying. It’s okay. He’s allowed to lie sometimes, too.

…Or just tell him that he’s not obligated to tell his professor anything about his personal life, actually.

“I’m glad we did,” Xue Zhengyong laughs. Once more, he brushes his hand through Mo Ran’s hair, like he always used to do when he was a little child, upset with himself and the world and the fact that Wanning was gone. “If we had known his name, we would’ve long found him for you.”

“It’s- fine. He’s here now. I just have to make sure he stays in some way. Not- not in my flat, I guess, considering he’s my professor, but hey, I’ll at least get to see him pretty much weekly at least, right?”

Yeah, this is so not going to be enough. Not after living with him for several weeks already – nothing else is going to feel enough. Not even this feels like it’s enough, because they’re not sleeping in the same bed, nor are they kissing or having nasty sex. All things that Mo Ran would really like to do with him.

“Exactly. He’ll have to move out. Otherwise, if people find out, he’d probably…”

“Lose his job, I know.”

“Yeah. I mean, it sucks, because obviously neither of you have any untoward intentions towards each other-“

“Haha.”

“…Ran-er.”

“Haha,” Mo Ran laughs very awkwardly, unsure of how to break this to his uncle- his dad. “So, about that.”

Now, Xue Zhengyong lets go of him, wiping his own tears, and then Mo Ran’s with his thumbs, holding his face for a bit and then squishing his cheeks once.

“Mo Ran. He’s still your professor and- he basically babysat you for a year, that’s…”

“I’ve been in love with him ever since I was five,” he mumbles, “this isn’t just about sex or whatever. Not that we’ve done anything. Obviously we haven’t, because that’s Chu Wanning, and as soon as he realizes who I am, he’s just going to see me as a little child, anyway. Not like it matters. But it’s not that. I sincerely love him. I’m in love with him. Have been for ages. He never left my mind. Don’t worry. I’m not going to act on it. I know better than to do that. I’m not like Hua Binan, or whatever his name was. I won’t tell him.”

The only situation in which Mo Ran could see himself actually confessing to Chu Wanning would be if he definitely knew that Chu Wanning loves him back in the same way, but that won’t happen.

“You actually- oh, you’re incorrigible. Is this why you chose this university?”

“Hm.”

With a short sigh, Xue Zhengyong pats Mo Ran’s shoulders and then lets go of him completely.

“Of course that’s why. You saw him online, then?”

“Yeah. In an old article about him joining the university as its youngest professor. And I just- I got the scholarship, so I thought… I wanted to go to a university where I got the scholarship at any rate, so that you wouldn’t have to pay as much, but… yeah. I wasn’t going to choose any other university when Chu Wanning is here. I love him, dad, I really do.”

Right when Xue Zhengyong had stopped crying alongside Mo Ran, he just tears up once more.

“You can’t just call me ‘dad’, that’s not-“ he says, but Mo Ran knows he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. Just that he’s not used to it. “Ugh, I need to call Chuqing later and tell her that you called me that, I’m never going to be okay ever again.”

Clearly, he seems to just ignore the fact that he’s crying, because he quickly brushes over it – probably to avoid that this does feel a little awkward to Mo Ran, also. He’s trying his best, really. And he did mean what he said. He’s a father to him. Not ‘like’ a father or anything of the like, no. He’s just a father to him. And his wife very much is also a mother to him, because he can have more than one mother.

She’s just never going to be his mom, but that’s probably okay. If it’s true what Xue Zhengyong said, then that’s probably true.

“Either way. Okay. You’re in love with Chu Wanning. Okay, alright, that’s a spin on this already weird situation. It’s- Look, I still am a professor, so I’ll still have to say that I can’t approve of this if anything ever happens between you two… but if I ignore that, I’m totally on board. You’d deserve it. So would he. And you know what? You fit. It’d be a good match. So – whatever, you’ve got my support. Just not officially, okay?”

“Not officially. Uh-huh, got it,” Mo Ran repeats, and does give a small chuckle before he reaches into his shorts and grabs the packet of tissues that Ye Wangxi had given him earlier, that he’d even transferred to his new shorts given the old ones were soaked. But it’s a plastic-pack, so they were unharmed. “Here. Take one. We should- go back in. He must be getting hungry by now. I need to housewife him up and all.”

“Have you just been cooking for him all this time?”

“Obviously,” Mo Ran laughs, “he can’t take care of himself for the life of him, so one of us has got to do it. I really don’t want him to move out. Don’t offer him to come live with you again, okay?”

Finally, Xue Zhengyong takes the tissue, once more wiping away his tears as if that’s going to help his puffy eyes at this point.

“Right, right. You’ll graduate in three years if you don’t do masters, so then you’ll have free reign.”

“That’s nothing against fifteen,” Mo Ran says, but he also knows that this is a blatant lie.

Fifteen years spent apart from Chu Wanning are absolutely nothing compared to spending three years seeing him multiple times a week.

*

When Mo Ran and his uncle, dad, whatever he is to him at this point, both at once probably, walk back into the kitchen, Chu Wanning is frowning at his phone, then looking up at them, which makes him frown even harder. He’s so cute, Mo Ran could die. His glasses are so ugly. They make him even cuter.

“Something wrong?” Xue Zhengyong asks, sitting down next to him and being stared at by Plum, still seated in Chu Wanning’s lap. Slowly, he raises his hand towards her, and she does allow him to pet her head. Mo Ran leans against the counter instead so he can look at both of them.

“Oh, so worth getting kicked out for, aren’t you? Oh, I’m not used to thin cats, Veggiebun is so horribly fat.”

…Now that’s true. Their family’s cat definitely is fatter than Plum. When Mo Ran next goes home, he’s probably going to try and raise Veggiebun up and fail because of just how heavy she is.

“Hm. Kora is sick. I might have to come in tomorrow morning before class because she is asking for me.”

Mo Ran blinks a little, temporarily very confused about who the hell that is. Right when it clicks, Chu Wanning is already explaining; must’ve seen his expression.

“The German girl at the orphanage. Caught a cold. It doesn’t seem to be bad, but she’s asking for me, so…”

Yeah, because Chu Wanning spent his entire time taking care of him when Mo Ran had a cold, too. Because that’s just what he’s like. Mo Ran is sure he might just make wontons for her, too. Or the one soup he can make. His thought patterns from just some minutes ago seem ridiculous already now. He can’t have forgotten him.

“Are you sure tomorrow is going to be enough?” Mo Ran asks, “just saying, ‘cause I used to be the sick kid once.”

That one makes Xue Zhengyong give him a look, probably realizing just who took care of him back then, so Mo Ran doubles down.

“I just mean… I’m not sure I would’ve fallen asleep if my primary caretaker hadn’t been there. I don’t know her well enough, obviously, but she sounds pretty attached to you.”

“No,” Chu Wanning says with a little sigh, still typing something on his phone. “I’ve been thinking the same, but I can’t get there because there wouldn’t be a bus back. You’d know.”

“Ah, right,” Mo Ran says, and exchanges a very angry glare with Chu Wanning at the last remark. Okay, so what if he had Rong Jiu stay over that night before Chu Wanning moved in with him? What if it was because of the buses? So what? “Well. I mean, Dad’s-“

Xue Zhengyong makes a little noise at that.

“Dad’s got a car. We could just borrow it.”

“I can’t drive.”

“I can,” Mo Ran says. “I’ll take you there. I can wait for you, I don’t mind. I’d argue that we have dinner first, though. It’s not that late yet, and I’ll have the stew heated up in like, a bit over five minutes. Ah, we can take the car, right? I can bring it back to you after I drop him back off here.”

“No need,” Xue Zhengyong says with a very knowing smile on his face. “’ll get it tomorrow morning before class, you don’t live very far. Just… Ran-er.”

“Hm?”

“No… you know. No repetitions of the time you took my car when you were freshly eighteen.”

For a bit, Mo Ran has to actively think about what actually happened when he was freshly eighteen and took his car. However, it very soon occurs to him.

“Haha… no, don’t worry, that’s… not on the schedule for tonight.”

Aka, Mo Ran is not going to get sexual fluids on any part of his father’s car tonight, because he’s not going to have car sex with Chu Wanning, actually. Sadly. Regrettably. God, the idea of fucking Chu Wanning in a car is more appealing than it should be.

“I’d hope so,” Xue Zhengyong sighs, but does grin after. “I’ll take it to you while you guys eat. I suppose you’d be leaving directly after dinner? I can probably have the car here in half an hour.”

Petting Plum one last time, he already gets up, not even waiting for an answer, but then immediately turning around to Chu Wanning.

“Right. Chu Wanning. Listen, I don’t mind you living together with my… son?”

It comes out more as a question than a statement, and Mo Ran can’t help but smile like an idiot. Turns out they both feel a little awkward about this – after all these years, he’s finally admitted that he does see Xue Zhengyong as his father, and now it’s just awkward. But that’s fine. It’s just how he knows him.

“…Sorry, I’m still all emotional. Anyways. I don’t really mind you living together with him, professor and student and whatnot, you know I’m not so stuck up on it. Just please… be nice to him, alright? I know Ran-er always acts all strong and stuff, but he’s also just a guy, and he gets hurt as much as anyone else.”

“You’re saying this like I’m the one snooping around his room,” Chu Wanning bristles, and ah, Mo Ran really feels like a cat has just bitten his tail or something.

“Hey! I cleaned it, because it looked absolutely horrible! And you said it was fine in the end!”

Just because he saw his pantyliners, damn. Whatever does Mo Ran care what he uses to keep his underwear clean or whatever. Mo Ran doesn’t know what it’s like to have those assets, he doesn’t know exactly how wet some people randomly get, which includes Chu Wanning.

…The thought of Chu Wanning getting wet is so stupidly hot he could cry, actually.

“And besides,” he says, “I cook for you. Literally every day. You have to forgive me, Prof.”

“Oh, using honorifics now?” Chu Wanning hisses with another pointed glare at Mo Ran. If he was a cat, his whiskers and tails would be twitching very angrily, he knows as much.

“You’re my prof, aren’t you?”

“I am. Regrettably.”

Now that makes Mo Ran dramatically put his hand to his chest and make a little sobbing sound. It sounds very fake, very unlike his previous actual sobbing.

“Chu Wanning, you hurt me.”

“…I’m going to get the car. You two enjoy my wifey’s stew, alright?”

He’s looking at the two of them like he’s still not entirely sure what to make of this. Mo Ran has a strong feeling that he’s got a harder time wrapping his head around the fact that he’s in love with his caretaker and professor than the fact this is his caretaker and professor to begin with.

“Yes. Thank you,” Chu Wanning says, “I’ll pay next time.”

“Haha, I’ll make sure to choose a very expensive restaurant, then!” Xue Zhengyong laughs, and then he’s out of the door.

Plum finally jumps down from Chu Wanning’s lap when Mo Ran approaches the table to grab the beef stew-filled lunchboxes, then carrying them over to the kitchen counter. The cat just approaches her food bowls and goes for another snack.

“You two both cried,” Chu Wanning suddenly states into the silence – well, not silence, not once Mo Ran nearly drops the big pot, but he makes sure that it doesn’t actually drop. He places it on the stove, turns it on, and then starts dumping the stew into it. Definitely needs some water still, given how thick it’s gotten by now.

“Ah, yeah,” Mo Ran says, “we had a bit of a conversation. Nothing bad, mind you. Just… explained roughly why you’re here, and I don’t know, we just ended up talking about stuff from the past, and I’ve been kind of bordering on crying the entire day, as you’ve already noted earlier. It’s not that big of a deal. Just very emotional today.”

All he gets as a response is Chu Wanning’s typical huff that he makes when it seems like he doesn’t really have a response for this, so Mo Ran assumes that he realizes he shouldn’t really dig deeper than that.

“If I’m that big of a problem to live with, then just tell me, and I’ll move out.”

“Huh?”

Mo Ran nearly drops the damned bowl of water he was just getting for the stew.

“What?”

“If I’m the problem, I’ll hurry up about finding something.”

“What? No! No, that was never implied, what the hell? Where did you get this from? Not at all, Chu Wanning, no. I don’t mind. You can stay however long you’d like. You’re a better roommate than a lot of people would be, so no worries!”

He looks back over his shoulder to the man he fell in love with fifteen years ago, clasping that German learning book like it’s the last thing holding him together. His eyes are darting from left to right, and he’s strangely pale, as if he was genuinely scared of an answer. Like he was scared that Mo Ran was going to tell him that he doesn’t like living with him.

Sure, there’s downsides to it, like the fact he can’t just bring people over to fuck (not that he would anyways; it’d feel wrong now that he has Chu Wanning back like this), or the way he has to make sure Chu Wanning is definitely not home when he decides to be a bit more vocal when he’s… you know, getting off on his own since no one else is going to do it for him at the moment.

However, now that he’s reassuring him, Chu Wanning deflates a little.

“Okay.”

“I mean it,” Mo Ran insists, “you’re not as bad as you make yourself out to be. Whatever, past disagreements are in the past. I don’t actually mind cooking and cleaning for you and all that stuff. On the contrary, I quite like it. Though I guess that today, my second mom’s cooked for you.”

“Her cooking is good,” Chu Wanning admits, and Mo Ran can only nod.

“Yeah. It is. I’ve learned from one of the best, clearly. How far’s the orphanage, by the way?”

“About twenty minutes. I can text my co-worker that I’ll be there in about an hour…?”

“Yes,” Mo Ran says immediately, and pours the water in slowly, to make sure it doesn’t become thinner than need be. He stirs it once and finds that yeah, this should be fine if he lets it cook for a minute or two. They’ll be able to eat in just a little while then. “I’ll get you there as fast as possible. I get that it’s important. So go ahead and text her. If your kid’s sick, then she’s sick. I get it, so sincerely.”

The stew can cook on its own now, so Mo Ran takes up two bowls and carries them over to Chu Wanning, who’s just looking up at him with big eyes, suddenly.

“Something wrong?”

“…No. Xue Zhengyong really is your father.”

“Ah- Yeah, I called him that for the first time today. I’ve been living with them for so long, but… whatever, he’s a father to me. I guess it’s a good thing if I resemble him even just a little.”

“You do,” Chu Wanning says. There’s not a smile on his face at all, but somehow, Mo Ran can tell that he’s smiling regardless.

“I’m glad, then,” he says, a little quieter than he meant to as he sets the bowl down in front of Chu Wanning, and tries to give him the smile that he won’t receive as outright.
Back when he was small, it was Chu Wanning who was serving him soup, that time he was ill. Making wonton for him one too many times. Now, Mo Ran can finally pay him back for that, especially given that he’s still the same as he’s always been.

He’s still living for other people.

And if driving him to the orphanage so he can help a little girl fall asleep can help Chu Wanning do exactly that, then Mo Ran will do so.

Hell – even if one day he tells Chu Wanning who he is, and that he’s been hopelessly in love with him for so long now, he won’t even be mad if he doesn’t love him back.

Just being in his presence is enough. Just carrying that umbrella for the two of them and soon sitting in the same car as him is enough to make Mo Ran the happiest man in the world.

Chapter Text

“Please bring my car back in good condition,” Xue Zhengyong says once more, as if Mo Ran even just had a chance of fucking Chu Wanning in that car. For the record, he doesn’t. Even if Chu Wanning was okay with them having sex, Mo Ran has a very strong feeling he wouldn’t do it in a car.

Then again, maybe he’s a man full of surprises. Who knows?

“When have I ever brought it back in bad condition, apart from three days after my eighteenth birthday? Seriously, nothing will happen, Dad.”

“Ough.”

“…You need to stop being so surprised at me calling you that, or else I might just stop.”

“No!” Xue Zhengyong yelps, “don’t stop. No. It’s okay. I trust you with the car. Just don’t tell Xue Meng you got to use it, or else he’s going to be jealous again.”

That makes Mo Ran laugh.

“Well, I at least never got it into an accident now, did I? Ah, I should find a job and get my own car one of these days.”

Because that’d give him more reasons to drive Chu Wanning places, and maybe that’s a stupid reason, but he can’t help it. More time spent with Chu Wanning is time spent well.

“Alright, alright, Ran-er. You two get going, and I’ll go walk on home, I still need to call Chuqing and proof-read a term paper. Have fun, you two!”

And he winks.

Chu Wanning freezes mid-opening the door to the passenger’s seat, and gives Xue Zhengyong a very pointed glare at the remark. Then, he gets in with one of his annoyed little breaths, and Mo Ran joins him after waving at Xue Zhengyong, who sets off.

“You gave Plum some more food?” Mo Ran asks, putting in the car’s keys and loosens the handbrake.

“Yeah. Water too. She’s covered, she can stay home alone as long as some doors are open. …I’m assuming you drive safely?”

“I’m a learned car mechanic,” Mo Ran says with a shrug, “I know what destroys cars, and I try to avoid destroying them, even if I love fixing them, ‘cause that can get expensive. Don’t worry, I’m a safe driver. You scared of transport?”

“Hm? Of course not,” Chu Wanning makes, but Mo Ran can see the way his hands clench just a little bit more tightly into his pants than usual.

Oh.

He’s still wearing his t-shirt.

Before Mo Ran ends up getting a boner, he quickly starts up the car and pulls out of the yard and onto the street. His phone is mounted into the small gap between the radio screen and the radio, navigation on, because he hasn’t ever been in that part of the city.

“Either way, I’ve never gotten into any accidents. I mean, I scraped our old car once when I was like, sixteen, to avoid hitting a kid that ran onto the street, but that wasn’t my fault. So, no worries. You get carsick at all?”

“Sometimes. When people brake and speed up too fast,” Chu Wanning admits, which Mo Ran is surprised by, but at the same time not really – it’s better to admit something like that before he ends up throwing up in his best friend’s car, after all.

“Okay, got it, I’ll make sure I don’t. Radio?”

“…If you have to.”

Yes, Mo Ran thinks, he has to. Driving without music is boring as hell. He supposes that Chu Wanning probably isn’t very much into My Chemical Romance, so he just turns on the regular radio, which is playing your generic pop songs.

To his surprise, Chu Wanning starts tapping his foot to the rhythm of said generic pop songs after a little while.

So much to ‘if you have to’, huh? Clearly likes pop music. What is he, a girl in high school? Ah, well, Mo Ran thinks, it’s better not to judge – after all, Xue Meng would probably shit in his bed if he dared insult pop music to him.

Not that Xue Meng would ever admit to singing love songs under the shower, obviously – Mo Ran’s heard him, though.

It’s quiet for pretty much the first ten minutes of the drive, during which Mo Ran also just wracks his brain for things to say, unable to come up with anything meaningful that wouldn’t just be making small talk. Which he’s pretty sure Chu Wanning is horrible at, and dislikes.

It’s then that luckily, Chu Wanning himself suddenly asks him something.

“You’re okay driving me to an orphanage?”

“Hm?”

“Just… I know some people struggle, afterwards.”

“Oh,” Mo Ran makes, taking the next turn as smoothly as he can so that Chu Wanning doesn’t start feeling sick – he looks fine so far, “no, no. I mean, I’ve got a lot of trauma, obviously, but it’s like… ah, that time was alright. The other kids didn’t like me much, and treated me accordingly, but I don’t blame them. I was a little terror.”

“Hm. Xue Zhengyong said as much.”

“…What did he say?”

“That you once captured three toads and placed them in Xue Meng’s underwear drawer.”

Oh no. Not that story. Mo Ran gives an awkward little laugh, but with a very quick sideglance, he also sees that Chu Wanning’s lips curl up for the shortest second.

“Well, did he also mention that before that, Xue Meng caught a spider and put it onto my arm, knowing very well how much I hate spiders?”

“Yes. He did say that.”

Mo Ran gives a small sigh, unsure of whether or not he wants Chu Wanning to think about child Mo Ran, considering he’s trying so hard for Chu Wanning to see him as an adult that he would like to get fucked by violently.

It’s a good thing mind-reading doesn’t actually exist, he supposes.

“Well,” Mo Ran says, “spiders and toads aside for a second. No, I don’t mind, and sure, it was still a foster care experience, but I was only there for uh, two years or something? I got adopted rather fast. And once my like, primary caretaker started working there, I was fine. Improved my behaviour a lot and all.”

“I see.”

Chu Wanning starts fiddling with the hem of Mo Ran’s shirt. Which he’s still wearing. His pride shirt. To work. He must simply not be realizing it.

…Then again, any sensible person could guess that Chu Wanning is queer in some way, like, look at him. Breedable autistic twink. No way that man is cis and heterosexual.
Or at least Mo Ran hopes he’s not straight.

“Was that… The time you said that you knew someone that was autistic as a kid, was that someone from the orphanage?”

“Ah! Yeah, that was my caretaker,” Mo Ran explains, and tries really hard not to sweat at just what territory they’re breaching here. It’s fine. There’s gotta be a lot of autistic people out there working in foster care of all kinds, right? “He was really nice.”

He hadn’t planned to say that, but once he stops gushing about Chu Wanning, he can’t stop – and if it’s in his presence without him knowing, then good.

“Very, very kind. Endured all my stupid shenanigans. I generally freaked out quite often as a kid- I mean, I still do, but less so. He always managed to calm me down. I mean, sometimes he didn’t really manage either, but he’d always try and sit with me, even if it took until I’d just fall asleep in exhaustion, basically. He was just- ah, I don’t even know. I probably owe him my life, to be honest. I’m not sure I’d have made it without him. My family, too, obviously, but… I know I was a kid and all, but life just seemed stupidly hard, and I had essentially nothing to look forward to, till he came in, and suddenly I had a reason to wake up, and it was just… kind of nice.”

Okay.

Maybe that was too much gushing. But surely it’s roundabout enough for Chu Wanning to not immediately realize.

He gives another side glance – the streets relatively empty right now, so he can allow himself to do that.

Chu Wanning looks strangely bashful, or uncertain, all of a sudden. Eventually, he even turns his head to look out the window, folding his hands in his lap a little.

“Are you still in contact with him?”

Oh, okay, now that’s catching him off-guard a little after all. Is this Chu Wanning trying to figure out whether he’s that awful, scruffy kid from back then, or does he have no idea at all and is just…

Interested in him, perhaps?

The second possibility makes his heart jump in that stupid way again.

(The awful pop songs about love that Chu Wanning is still tapping his foot to suddenly seem very fitting.)

“Uh… yeah, I am,” he says, because lying is something he also doesn’t really want to do if he’s honest. “We still talk and see each other. I- got lucky about that.”

Chu Wanning gives a very curt nod.

“Hm. I’m not in contact with a lot of the children I’ve worked with. Just Shi Mei, Hua Binan by extension… three others who e-mail me from time to time. I mean… I’m not usually the most liked worker out there either way.”

“Ah, it doesn’t really matter how many kids like you, right?” Mo Ran says, “even if it’s just one kid you helped, it accounts for a lot. And I mean, clearly Shi Mei turned out… okayish?”

“Why does that sound more like a question?” Chu Wanning asks, and Mo Ran barks out a short laugh.

“Look, I just don’t know him well. But he’s alive and physically well, that already means a lot. And I’m very sure Kora or whatever her name was is going to thank you a lot either right now, or later in her life, or at any stage of it, really. The one who took care of me- I know that I’ll always be thankful for him. I don’t care whether I’m the only child he ever helped. He helped me, and isn’t that all that matters in the end?”

“Maybe. I suppose so.”

If Mo Ran was braver, he’d tell him. He’d tell him that he helped him, that he saved his life, and if he dares downplay that one more time, he might just get angry. But Mo Ran isn’t brave, and in crucial situations, he’s always run away with his tail between his legs and flattened ears.

“Seriously, Chu Wanning. You’re leaving an impact on these kids lives. Foster care and orphanages suck, all around, because it’s a family, sure, but you’re always acutely aware of how different you are, and two or three workers on however many children there are isn’t the same. It’s still good, and it can be a very loving environment, but you’re still different, and other kids will let you feel that. So, most you can do is help them deal with that, and give them the best home you can, and look, this is your only day off, isn’t it? You’re going into work despite that. She’ll cherish that.”

In the passenger seat of this rather big car, Chu Wanning looks so small and vulnerable. Mo Ran isn’t used to that – back then, he was horribly tall in comparison to him, looking like nothing could shake him even when he was living on the streets. But no – even the man that saved his life is just that – a man.

He’s also got feelings and insecurities, and his self-worth seems to be as low as his need to leave an impact on someone is high.

“Whoever was your caretaker,” Chu Wanning suddenly says, “they did well.”

“Prof?”

“…Yes.”

“Are you praising me?”

And also yourself, without even knowing?

“I take it back,” Chu hisses, but then inhales and exhales. “you’re… thoughtful.”

“So, my prof is praising me-“

“Mo Ran. I’m being serious here. Frankly, when I first saw you, you seemed like some brazen teenager, and your first two assignments weren’t bad, but there were a lot of unnecessary mistakes. Then- well, the next thing I learned about you were the whole business with Hua Binan’s boyfriend, and the fact you deemed that you could just come into my room without even asking, but- I was wrong, I think. I hope you didn’t think that I in any way thought overly poorly of you.”

“Hm? Ah… I’m not sure,” Mo Ran makes, swallowing heavily around his own damned tongue. That’s a lot to take in. “I guess I am a little careless sometimes, though. Sorry about that. I’m trying.”

“You’re thoughtful. You make mistakes, but you consider them. The navigation is wrong. Turn right here, otherwise we’ll have to walk around the house.”

Automatically, Mo Ran turns right, but on the inside, he’s battling every fucking sort of demons right now. One of those demons is called ‘don’t just tell Chu Wanning that you’re that little brat’. Another is ‘don’t crash the car just because the love of your life just complimented you’. Another one, ‘don’t lean over and kiss him on the mouth until his lips are swollen and he fucking knows he’s yours’. And the last, ‘don’t crash the car because you decided to pull him into your lap and onto your cock like in some bad 80s porn movie, you promised your dad/uncle not to get sexual fluids all over his car again’.

Mo Ran wins over the demons. Barely. By a fucking hair’s breadth.

“Am I thoughtful, though?” he asks, and if he’s fishing for compliments, then that’s because he’s always starved for praise of any kind in any situation whatsoever.

Chu Wanning stares at him like he wants to say “now you’re just taking the piss”, but of course he doesn’t say that. Just stares at him and refuses to answer. Mo Ran thinks that he can still take this as a ‘yes’, though.

“You can pull over here,” he says instead, which Mo Ran does.

It’s still light outside, it being summer and all. The building isn’t that large, actually.

“How many kids live here, actually? It’s quite small.”

“Just seven,” he says, “I’ve worked at a much bigger orphanage when I was in high school.”

Ah, so he at least remembers the orphanage Mo Ran used to be in. That’s a relief. Well, he must have. You don’t just forget such a big part of your life, right?

…Unless you’re severely traumatized like Mo Ran, but he’s just hoping that Chu Wanning isn’t. He might be. Mo Ran doesn’t even know why he used to be homeless back then. There must’ve been a reason for it, obviously.

“Ah, yeah, that’s not as many,” Mo Ran says, and turns off the car. “Alright. You go off and help calm her down.”

“And you?”

“I can wait here,” Mo Ran says, “got my phone on me. I can scroll social media or something.”

“No. Just come in with me. You can at least have a cup of tea.”

“Uh… you sure?” Mo Ran stutters out. “Won’t I scare the kids in some way?”

“Haven’t you babysat a lot of times?”

Oh, okay, so Xue Zhengyong told Chu Wanning a lot about him.

“…Right. Just- what do I say if someone asks me who I am? Wouldn’t it be weird if I told them I’m your student and I drove you here?”

“Doesn’t really matter. You’re also my best friend’s son. You drove me here because you had time. If you tell them we live together, I don’t really mind. They can think whatever they want to think.”

Mo Ran gives a short nod, a bit overwhelmed with emotion at getting to see another aspect of Chu Wanning’s life. He unfastens his seatbelt and gets out of the car, sliding the keys into his pockets, then following Chu Wanning towards the entrance. He grabs his keys and just lets the two of them in.

The first thing Mo Ran sees is a lot of kids’ shoes, and some adult ones. Chu Wanning takes his off, so Mo Ran does the same. The next second, Chu Wanning puts on plain white slippers-

Never mind.

Not plain white.

There’s a single grey cat stitched onto each, on the side, right below his ankle.

“You’re fine with socks,” Chu Wanning says, “you’re just a guest after all.”

Okay. Then Mo Ran is fine in his light-blue corgi-pattern sneaker socks. Good to know.

“I can’t see any kids,” he laughs when they walk through a hallway, and Chu Wanning just gives him a little glare, as if he’s somehow annoyed at the question.

“It’s almost nine. Most of them would be in their rooms now, and the smaller ones would be trying to sleep right now.”

“Just in time for Kora then?”

“…In theory,” Chu Wanning scoffs, and then they eventually make it towards a door that seems to sort of be in the middle of the house itself. At least from what he can tell, considering he hasn’t actually seen a lot of the house yet.

“This is the office,” Chu Wanning says, “at least one of my coworkers should be in there, so you can probably stay with them. I’ll have them make you some tea or something. There’s also snacks.”

“Sweets?”

“Hm.”

“Because you like sweets-“

Chu Wanning opens the door before he has to answer the question, but Mo Ran knows for a fact that he’s right, and can’t help but give a small chuckle at it anyways. He thinks that from the back, Chu Wanning’s ears look just a tiny bit red, actually.

Embarrassed about how much he likes sweet stuff, huh? God, he’s so adorable, will he ever stop being this adorable?

More than he wants to fuck him, Mo Ran just so direly wants to make sure Chu Wanning is well-fed for the rest of his life, even if that includes a shitload of sweets, which has got to be unhealthy, but that’s okay. There’s just one life, right? So, hey, some sweets for him it is. Mo Ran would make sure to always have self-made sweets, to be honest. The only thing separating Chu Wanning from those is marrying him. Quite an easy thing, just one ceremony.

And yet.

“Ah, Chu Wanning, you’re here, I’m so glad!” immediately says a voice from behind a computer screen. It’s a quite small woman, sleek black hair, and very beautiful. Might possibly be one of Mo Ran’s conquests if he wasn’t stupidly in love with his professor.

“Yes. I’m here,” Chu Wanning says, walking around the desk, and then, his gaze grows a lot softer. “She fell asleep like that?”

Only now does Mo Ran see the little girl on her lap, curled up almost like a little cat. She’s quite small and skinny, vanilla blonde hair that reaches her chin in thin strands. She’s hugging a purple pillow, and her cheeks are very red. Clearly she has a fever.

“That’s Kora, I’m assuming?” he asks, keeping his voice down as much as he can. That makes the woman look up at him.

“And who would that be?” she asks with a little look at Chu Wanning, who’s already leaning down to pick Kora up.

“My… he’s the son of my friend. I… live with him at the moment,” Chu Wanning says, but it has that anxious undertone to it. “He drove me here. His name is Mo Ran. If I could bother you to make him some tea, perhaps? So that he doesn’t have to wait in the car.”

“Of course!” she says immediately, “we’ll get you some tea in a second. You can sit down there, if you want, I’ll just have to do some more work.”

She points at a chair in the corner, so Mo Ran takes a seat.

It’s than that Chu Wanning properly props Kora up into his arms, and Mo Ran wonders whether this is what it looked like when he carried him, back in the day. When he was sick and tired and fed up with the entire world.

This time, he can’t stop himself from smiling at Chu Wanning so horribly love-stricken. If Chu Wanning knows, then whatever. Then he knows. Mo Ran can live with getting kicked out of university, if only he gets to see Chu Wanning like this again, like Mo Ran got to meet him.

“Hng… Wanning?” comes a quiet mutter from her suddenly, and Chu Wanning, holding her up with one arm only, strokes some hair out of her face.

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m taking you to bed. Has she taken anything against the fever yet?”

“No, she refused.”

“Okay, I’ll get her to take something, no issues, right?”

Kora does pull a face at the notion of medicine, but Mo Ran knows that Chu Wanning will get her to take something, because he also got Mo Ran to do so. And this little girl looks like an absolute angel compared to him.

“’M tired.”

“That figures,” Chu Wanning says, and he even gives a little chuckle, and it takes Mo Ran everything not to stupidly blurt out an ‘I love you’ right here and now. He’s still so, so good with kids. Or some kids, at least. “Let’s go to bed, and then you can take something against the fever. Meds are in her room?”

“Yep.”

Mo Ran needs to not just marry this man, no. He also needs to have children with him. Biological, adopted, he doesn’t give a single damn. He just wants to spend the rest of his life with him.

“Okay. Mo Ran, you can just… get comfortable. I’ll wait till she’s been safely asleep for half an hour or so. You can eat and drink whatever you want and- th-thanks. For driving me here.”

“No issue,” Mo Ran says, that smile still on his face. He looks up at Chu Wanning and the girl when they walk past him, Chu Wanning quickly stopping in front of him, as if he’d otherwise have tripped or something.

“If you ever need me to drive you again and Dad’s car is available, you can just let me know.”

Chu Wanning gives a very stiff nod, and then eventually walks out of the door, child in his arm, probably blissfully unaware of how much Mo Ran wants to just grow old together with him.

When the door softly clicks shut, the woman in her office chair gives a small chuckle.

“I didn’t know Chu Wanning had a boyfriend, actually?”

Mo Ran’s heart stops and his stomach drops, and he doesn’t even know where to start.

“I’m not- no, no, you’ve got this wrong. Really, we just live together. For convenience’s sake. It just so happened. I started studying here and- ah.”

He wasn’t meant to disclose the fact he’s a student, but in his panic, he’s totally gone and done it now.

“Oh, you’re a student? Excuse me, but I thought you were a little older.”

“Ah, I’m twenty,” Mo Ran says, “I’m a learned car mechanic actually.”

“...Do you perhaps study Mechanical Engineering, then?” she asks with a laugh and oh shit, he’s really fucking that up. Chu Wanning is going to kill him later, almost certainly.

“Ha… well, I guess there’s no point lying.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t care whether he lives together with a student or not. This isn’t a schoolteacher situation, you’re both adults.”

“It’s- really not like that,” Mo Ran begins again, because at the very least, he’s not going to have this woman believe that him and Chu Wanning are in a relationship. Not when Chu Wanning would hate her thinking that. Not when Mo Ran would hate someone assuming that simply because it’s the thing he wants the most.

“Hm, ah, I’m sorry. I just kind of assumed, since he seemed to be in such a good mood lately. He said that it was because of good food, but I kind of assumed…”

“Oh, yeah, I cook a lot, and I’m pretty good at it,” Mo Ran stutters out, mainly so that he gets time to think her words over.

Like, excuse him? What? Chu Wanning has been in a good mood lately? To Mo Ran, he seems as bitchy as always, and in severely worse moods than when he was seventeen and literally homeless. But maybe that isn’t true, because this woman probably knows him better than him, right?

Mo Ran hasn’t effectively been back with him for very long. Even though it hurts to admit that someone else might know him better than he does.

“I see,” the woman smiles, looking back at her screen for a second. Mo Ran swallows uncomfortably and hopes for the best, because this is a little awkward now.

“We’re- really not like that,” Mo Ran emphasizes again for good measure, but that just makes the woman give a small chuckle.

“Yes, I see. You’re not like that.”

…Yeah, Mo Ran has fucked this up. She totally knows that he’s in love with Chu Wanning, doesn’t she?

Releasing a small grunt, he properly settles into his assigned chair, and pulls out his phone. Whatever. There’s some messages in the family group chat that he quickly scrolls through. There’s a lot of Xue Zhengyong gushing that Mo Ran called him ‘Dad’ today, a lot of his wife agreeing that this is a great development, and Xue Meng commented it a lot of times with “gross” or “he’s trying to steal my parents”.

Little idiot. Ugh, Mo Ran feels all warm and fuzzy not just at his family, but also because of Chu Wanning. He’s really nothing more than a lovesick idiot at that point.

“It’s really kind of you to have driven him here, though,” she says after a while of typing away at something. “Not everyone would do that.”

“Well…” Mo Ran starts and looks out the window behind him. The sun is actively setting now. They’ll definitely only be getting back when it’s already dark outside. “I did. I get it’s important, and the buses are really unfortunate at these times. I get it.”

“Yeah, but it’s still a nice thing. Kora can be a real handful sometimes, and Chu Wanning handles her the best. He doesn’t actually have a lot of patience-“

Yeah, Mo Ran remembers that.

“But that means he gets things done swift and effectively, and he knows how to talk her down. She’s had it rough.”

“Hm,” Mo Ran makes, and can’t help but give a smile again at that information. “I guessed so. It’s okay. She’s got him now, so that’s all that matters. I…”

He’s a bit unsure whether he should say this or not, but he guesses that it won’t hurt, as long as he doesn’t disclose the details.

“When I was smaller, I had someone like him in my life, and that’s all that really matters when you grow up in the system. And he’s staying here, so he’ll be here for however long she effectively needs it.”

Unlike for him.

Chu Wanning won’t be leaving his job here. He’s going to be there for her. He’s not going to break any promises for her.

But hell, not even Mo Ran could be jealous of a child over something like that. All that matters is that she’s going to grow up just fine.

“Ah, I see,” the woman says, smiling back at him. “I guess that’s why you drove him here, then. Ah, right, right, he did mention his friend has two adopted children! Are you the younger or the older one?”

“The older one,” Mo Ran laughs, “Mengmeng is eighteen and currently wrapping up high school, so he’s gonna be joining us for the winter semester. He was there before me, though. Our mom is his biological mom. He’s just got… another dad, but they’re not really in contact. I’m adopted by both, my mother died when I was young, and my father’s always been out of the picture. I’m only, what, twelve years younger than Chu Wanning?”

Her smile turns into a grin for a bit, as if she’s considering just why the last part is so important to Mo Ran. Yeah, she’s got to know why he’s so absolutely smitten with him.
“Here, we mostly have cases of children who are probably not going to get adopted, since a lot of them have special needs of some kind. Hence, it’s harder to find matching families. But it happens sometimes.”

“I have no clue why I got adopted,” Mo Ran says, “I think my family thought that I was Dad’s brother’s lost child or something, but I turned out not to be, but they took me in regardless, so it’s whatever. I’m glad though. They’re a great family.”

It’s then that he gets another message. It’s Chu Wanning, actually.

‘She won’t take the meds without something to flush them down. Tell my co-worker to bring some juice here.’

“Chu Wanning just texted me,” he says with a glance up at the woman. “He says they need some juice, to get the meds down. If you have work to do, I can take it to them if you tell me where the kitchen and her room is.”

“Ah, that’d be very kind,” she laughs. “Yeah, you can go ahead and do that. The kitchen is to the right, orange juice is in the fridge, glasses in the cupboard right to its left. Then, you walk back out and straight into the hallway. Her room is the last one on the left, so you’ll find it easily.”

“Alright, got it.”

So, Mo Ran gets up and heads straight for the kitchen. Both the small cup and orange juice are very easy to find, so he fills it up, and then walks into the hallway.

From one room, he can hear hushed talking – must be a double room. It’s seven rooms overall, so that means one must be free then. As quietly as he can, Mo Ran opens the left door, and luckily, he immediately sees Chu Wanning sitting at the bed, so this is, in fact, the correct room.

Mo Ran might just have jumped out of the next window if he’d walked into some random kid’s room like an absolute creep.

“I’m here, got the orange juice,” he announces, and Chu Wanning’s head snaps around to him. “Ah- I’m here, your coworker was doing work, she told me where to find everything, so it’s me.”

The little girl looks up at him with huge eyes, and Mo Ran immediately plasters his childrens-smile onto his face. He knows he can look quite threatening given his height and build and the fact he’s a man to begin with.

“Who are you?” she asks, even if her voice sounds a bit croaky. She looks slightly more awake than before, which is probably because of the fever juice next to her. It’s literally the same kind Mo Ran got fed as a kid.

“Ah, this one’s disgusting, isn’t it?” he chuckles and walks up to the two of them, setting down the orange juice next to the fever juice. “I’m Mo Ran. I’m Chu Wanning’s…”

He trails off, because he’s not entirely sure what he actually is to him. Student, for one. Flatmate, he supposes, but…

“Mo Ran is my friend.”

Ah, okay, and Mo Ran so genuinely feels flattered by this and all, however this also means he has officially hit the friendzone.

On the inside, he cries a little. Ah, whatever, it isn’t like friends can’t become lovers after all.

He needs to get out of these delusions sometime soon, or else he’s going to end up so hurt when Chu Wanning gets a partner or whatever.

“Yep,” Mo Ran agrees, “his friend. I drove him here tonight so he could come see you.”

“Yes. Thanks for the juice. You can leave now.”

“Wait!” Kora says suddenly, staring him up and down. “You’re tall!”

Mo Ran laughs a little, and as tempted as he is to lean down and ruffle her hair, he barely knows her, so he refrains from that.

“Yep, I’m quite tall! If you take your juice, you’ll grow just as tall as me someday!”

“Shut it, don’t tell her lies. No one is as tall as you.”

“Dad’s taller than me. Jealous of my height, Chu Wanning?”

“Shut it.”

Kora looks up at both of them at the exchange, and Mo Ran wonders whether she’s even understood all of it, given she doesn’t seem to be anywhere close to fluent yet. Her accent is just fine though.

“Alright, alright, I’ll go. You just come back whenever, no worries about that. Get well soon, Kora, alright?”

“Uh-huh! I’ll try!” she says, and this time, her word sounds a bit off, but Mo Ran understands her anyway.

So, he steps out of the room, but only after waving at her with both hands.

Then, he goes back to the office, and thinks super hard about which of his few mobile games he can spend his time with.

*

Instead of actively playing any games on his phone, Mo Ran has accidentally befriended Chu Wanning’s co-worker (she was still working the entire time, seemingly used to typing away and talking simultaneously), and they have exchanged several recipes, as they both seem to be very into cooking. They’ve talked a lot about Chu Wanning, and maybe it was more gushing than talking in Mo Ran’s case, but whatever. She clearly didn’t seem to be judgy of him about it in any way. Apparently, the kids here actually quite like him, which yeah, that’s different from when he worked at Mo Ran’s place. It was mostly him, and some others that were okay with him. The rest was mildly intimidated. Here, a lot of the kids do still seem to be intimidated by him also, but they still like him.

He must’ve gotten better at dealing with kids throughout the years, which makes a lot of sense. It’s the same for Mo Ran, after all, once he actively started babysitting during is teens to make some money.

…And apparently, one of the kids cried when he smiled because he got scared. That one, Mo Ran sincerely couldn’t help but laugh about.

“And the only dish he can make,” the woman laughs, since they’re still mid-way in a conversation about someone who isn’t even in the room with them, “is chili oil wonton. Luckily, the kids here really love them, so they don’t mind eating them often. Well, I suppose he can make soup, but it’s… not the best. Edible, though. You’d think a man who is so well-known in his field of study could handle at least some basic cooking. Really, wonton are actually quite difficult to make, aren’t they? Has he made them for you yet?”

Right when Mo Ran is about to answer that he has, in fact, made wonton for him, more than a decade and a half ago, the door opens, and Chu Wanning stares at the two of them.

“I heard that.”

“Haha, I’m sorry Chu Wanning, you know we all love your wonton. So, have you made them for Mo Ran yet?”

Chu Wanning looks at Mo Ran, and Mo Ran looks back at him.

“No.”

Except it’s not the truth. Mo Ran smiles back at him, neither affirming nor denying his ‘no’. It’s okay for now if he’s the only one that knows the truth; that Chu Wanning has made chili oil wonton for him, already as a child. His wonton are his most cherished memory, and the pure thought of them makes him all warm inside, just like the spice would if he were to eat them now. They’re the first food he got when he wanted something, neither forced onto him because it was the only time he could get food, nor taken away from him when the time wasn’t right.

He was just handed one, and he got to eat it, and that single gesture might’ve single-handedly saved his entire damned relationship with food.

Instead, what he says is just one sentence.

“One of these days, you should make them for me.”

“Nonsense. You cook much better than I do, as you’ve probably discussed at length,” he says, still staring at both of them very angrily, furrowed eyebrows, arms awkwardly hanging down his sides. “She’s been asleep for over half an hour now. She’ll sleep through, given the cold medicine.”

“You wanna go home then?” Mo Ran asks, and Chu Wanning gives a curt nod, so he gets out of his chair, taking the teacup up with him. He can at least deposit it in the kitchen where it belongs.

“Okay. Thank you so much for coming here tonight,” his coworker says, and even gives a little bow. “I know it must’ve been a bother. But we really couldn’t get her to calm down at first, only when we told her you’d come here did she…”

“It’s fine. She’s asleep now. I’ll be back tomorrow morning before my classes start, and I can also check in on her in the afternoon if I have to.”

His co-worker nods, and then they say their goodbyes, which includes Mo Ran and Chu Wanning’s co-worker exchanging numbers so she can keep exchanging recipes from time to time. Mo Ran puts his cup into the sink, since Chu Wanning tells him he’ll just wash it up tomorrow morning, and then they step outside into the mild air of the night. It’s still very warm, even for a summer night, but definitely colder than the day was before the thunderstorm hit.

“I suppose you’re not still up to watch anime with me?” Mo Ran asks, suddenly remembering that was a thing they had planned to do. Basically a date night – oh, he’s delusional. He needs professional help.

“…An episode should be fine,” he says, only after a few seconds of silence, but it’s an agreement to watching anime with him nonetheless.

“Great! Wanna drive by the convenience store and grab some ice cream or something? My treat. You know, just ‘cause we were out so late, so we deserve a treat, right?”

“…Ridiculous.”

“Ah, Prof, that wasn’t a ‘no’, was it?”

“Get in the car.”

“Right, right, ice cream at the convenience store, it is,” Mo Ran laughs, opens the car from them, and gets in the driver’s seat.

This time, he doesn’t even use the navigation system anymore. Even though it’s dark, Mo Ran is pretty good at such stuff, especially considering the convenience store is in the city center, so he knows where that is no matter where from, given street signs and all that.

Chu Wanning gets in next to him, and Mo Ran just looks once more. Because this is the love of his life. His hair has half come undone by now, framing his face in messy strands. He looks strangely tired like this; did he perhaps fall asleep with Kora, like he once did with Mo Ran? Or is he just tired from having to console a sick child?

Still, though, his eyes retain that sharpness to them, the same sharpness that can be seen in the rest of his face.

All of a sudden, he moves his neck a little, as if to stretch it, and it makes the t-shirt slip a little lower, towards his shoulder. Mo Ran follows every single inch of skin revealed, every single bit of it as if he’s a wolf fucking starved for meat that’s been placed in front of him, so close yet so far.

All he wants to do is lean in, capture that spot where his neck fades into his shoulder with his lips, and suck and bite and mark him as his, to make sure everyone knows Chu Wanning is his and his alone. That he might also like other people, but that he likes Mo Ran the most, even if that’s complete and utter bullshit.

He needs to push his own damned t-shirt off Chu Wanning’s shoulders. Needs to, has to make sure that he’ll look all flushed and bullied, that he’s going to be writhing underneath him, and-

“How did you get her to take her meds?” he blurts out before he can get a boner in a situation where he’s stuck with Chu Wanning for roughly fifteen minutes until they reach the convenience store when Chu Wanning could very easily see it.

Especially given just how big Mo Ran is, and no amount and no technique of tucking it in is going to make it invisible.

He starts up the car. Driving, eyes on the road, concentration literally anywhere else but his professor’s bare skin.

“…Promised her a plushie.”

“Wh-“ Mo Ran can’t help it. He breaks out into laughter almost immediately, because of course that’s why she would take the medicine.

“What?”

“Well- I’m just- I think any other person could’ve also made her take medicine with a promise like that. Were you really needed?”

Of course Mo Ran is just poking fun, but it still makes Chu Wanning snap so very beautifully.

“Yes! She asked for me!”

“Haha, I’m sure the convenience store is going to have a plushie, so you can take it to her tomorrow morning!”

“Mo Ran!”

“What, surely you keep your promises?”

Only after saying it does Mo Ran realize just what he’s just said. He brakes, stopping in front of a red traffic light. Yeah. Chu Wanning looks like a man who keeps his promises. But he didn’t keep his promise to him.

“Of course I do,” Chu Wanning scoffs, but it sounds weirdly half-hearted. Weirdly heartbroken, even. Mo Ran is probably making that up. He doesn’t really want to think about it if he’s honest.

There was a reason he didn’t come see him back then.

He’s sure.

“Yeah. We can look if the convenience store has plushies,” he gives in eventually, and now, Mo Ran doesn’t have anything else to say.

Chu Wanning keeps his promises.

All the promises except the one he made to him back then.

It goes quiet between them, while Mo Ran remembers that husky plushie he saw in Chu Wanning’s room. He never got to the bottom of that. It’s probably just Chu Wanning’s own, and he was too embarrassed to admit it.

And yet, Mo Ran can’t help but hope like an absolute fucking idiot that maybe, in another universe, Chu Wanning kept his promise, and he got him a plushie of the same kind. It’s stupid. It wasn’t meant for him.

Chu Wanning didn’t come for him. He wouldn’t have gotten anything for him if he couldn’t come. Mo Ran tries so hard not to mind it, to not be angry, and he’d be failing if Chu Wanning wasn’t sitting next to him, once more quietly moving his foot along to the bad pop songs, biting his lip from time to time, looking out into the city’s streets at night as if he’s going to fall asleep any damned second.

Because how the hell could he possibly be angry with him like that?

*

„Wanning,“ Mo Ran whispers, but Chu Wanning doesn’t wake up for just his given name. His head has lolled to the side at one point during the drive, his breath coming out regularly, his usually furrowed eyebrows all relaxed, lips slightly open.

He’s so beautiful.

For a bit, Mo Ran idly wonders whether he could kiss him, whether he’d even wake up for that, but obviously that’s too far. And Mo Ran wouldn’t want to kiss him without very clearly asking him beforehand. Chu Wanning is a person that he would have to ask to kiss. It wouldn’t feel right to just lean in, not unless he’d make it clear literally any other way that he wants him to kiss him.

So Mo Ran doesn’t miss him.

Yet, he can’t help but lean in just a bit anyways, even if it’s just to take a deep breath.

He smells good. Sure, okay, he smells a bit of sweat, but to Mo Ran, there’s probably no better smell than Chu Wanning’s sweat. If that’s a creepy thought to have, then eh. He’s gladly going to be a creep. He smells of haitang, and of cough syrup. He smells the same as he did when Mo Ran was younger, but different all the same. Well, he’s grown up, and gone on hormones, so of course he’d smell different. The amount of effort it takes him right now not to lean into his neck right now, brush his lips over the skin, see whether he tastes of salt or of that flowery scent always wafting around him-

Mo Ran leans back, because once again – he can’t risk getting a boner. He’s already half-hard right now, but that’s still acceptable. For a few seconds, he just reminds himself of the time Xue Meng started cussing out his biological father with the most childish of insults he’d ever heard.

That helps.

That makes the boner go away.

Thinking of Xue Meng alone would’ve probably made that happen.

“Chu Wanning,” he says again, but oh hell, Chu Wanning is actually just out cold. “Hey, Chu Wanning. We’re at the convenience store. Ice cream, remember?”

A crease appears on his forehead, but he effectively doesn’t wake up. Mo Ran would just drive them home and carry him to his (probably very cluttered) bed, but something tells him that if he offers Chu Wanning ice cream and then doesn’t actually give Chu Wanning that ice cream, he would destroy whatever tentative friendship they’ve built up over the past few weeks.

So, he steels himself, and touches Chu Wanning’s shoulder, quietly placing his hand on it and then shaking him a little.

“Hey, Chu Wanning. Professor. Ice cream.”

“Huh?” comes the very sleepy answer from him, however, his eyes snap open just a second later, and he practically shoves Mo Ran’s hand off him.

Oh. Alright then.

Mo Ran will act like that totally doesn’t hurt him. He really doesn’t care, no, no.

“Ice cream,” Chu Wanning repeats, looking at his surroundings a little confused, before he clearly snaps out of it. “Right.”

“…We’re not watching anything tonight,” Mo Ran comments, “you’re going straight to sleep once we’re back. Especially because you promised you’d be back before classes tomorrow, so you’ll have to get up early.”

“I can do what I want,” Chu Wanning huffs, looking at him with that defiant look on his face that Mo Ran would die to wipe off with the help of his fingers and tongue and dick, but alas, this is not the correct situation for this at all.

“No, because you don’t know what the anime we’d be watching is even called. You still want that ice cream, or should I drive us home-“

“The ice cream.”

“…Of course you’d say that,” Mo Ran laughs, because if this man has got anything, it’s a major fucking sweet tooth. “We can also check whether they’ve got plushies, right?”

“…Yeah. I did promise her one. It’ll have to be something small, I don’t want the other children to get jealous.”

“Eh, just make them wonton in exchange.”

“Ack, my coworker’s really planted an idea in your head about this, hasn’t she? Chatterbox,” Chu Wanning mutters, but he undoes his seatbelt, and opens the door, patting his pockets once as if to make sure he’s got his wallet. Mo Ran follows him.

“Why can you make wonton, but you can otherwise not really cook anything? No offense,” he adds when Chu Wanning swiftly turns around to him and looks at him like he’s exactly one more word away from slapping him in the face. Which would be really hot, and again, no attention for little Mo Ran anymore today, he’s already at his limit.

Chu Wanning stops, right when he was about to enter the small store. Mo Ran quickly catches up with him.

“It’s… the only dish my father ever taught me how to make. I can make a soup, too, but I only learned that back when I started working at orphanages because…”

He swallows, and doesn’t finish that last sentence.

All Mo Ran knows is that he made that soup for him, so it doesn’t matter what the reason is. No, what matters is the fact that Chu Wanning just brought up his father.

A father that Mo Ran has never heard of, nor seen, nor anything of the like. A father that can’t have been a good father, because Chu Wanning was seventeen and living on the streets. So, either, Chu Wanning got kicked out, or he left of his own free will. Both possibilities which aren’t very appealing, and make Mo Ran’s blood boil.

The only other possibility is that his father died, and no one was there to take care of him. But given just how guarded Chu Wanning is as a person, Mo Ran has a strong feeling that isn’t the case.

“Ah, you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,” he says, but Chu Wanning just shakes his head a little.

“It’s alright. I’m not on good terms with him, and we haven’t spoken in a long time, but he did teach me how to make wonton. The chili oil I figured out myself, that wasn’t as hard with a recipe.”

“I see! Well, I’d love for you to make them for me one day,” Mo Ran says, trying to redirect the conversation towards the wonton, because no matter what Chu Wanning says, he’s clearly not comfortable talking about this, and if he’s doing it in some weird exchange for what he knows about Mo Ran, then Mo Ran isn’t having any of it.

“…They’re really not that good,” he argues, bur Mo Ran is also having none of this, because he knows it’s untrue.

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“You could make them better than me anyways.”

“Please? C’mon, Chu Wanning, just once, and then I can judge whether I could make them better than you.”

“…Fine. When I next find the time and motivation. Now shut up and buy me ice cream.”

He’s agreed. Chu Wanning has actually agreed to making those wonton for him again. He’s agreed. Mo Ran will get to taste them again.

“Alright! I’m looking forward to them, then! I can help make them, if you want. Just let me know when.”

“I don’t need any help from you,” Chu Wanning announces, and strides into he supermarket, head held high, walking straight towards the freezer in the corner.

Following him, Mo Ran lets out a short snort, which Chu Wanning clearly hears, given how he twitches a bit like a cat at it, but other than that, he doesn’t react.

Mo Ran steps up next to him, and reaches into the freezer for his usual ice cream – vanilla-caramel ice cream with almond-chocolate around it, while Chu Wanning studies the whole freezer like he can’t decide because all options are way too good.

Then, after a while, he reaches for the most artificial strawberry-bubblegum ice cream that Mo Ran has ever seen, and he remembers eating it once, and feeling sick afterwards because of the pure sweetness of it.

He’d like the taste if he got to taste it from Chu Wanning’s mouth, though. Not that he’s going to tell him that, ever.

“…That one?” he asks, just to make sure that’s the atrocity Chu Wanning wants to eat. The man only gives a quick nod, and Mo Ran steels himself to encourage a company to keep producing the worst ice cream known to man, because that’s how capitalism works, all because he’s down bad for his mechanical engineering professor.

Alright.

“Plushies are over there, I think,” he says, and points at the small stand of various smaller plushies. Chu Wanning nods, and takes his ice cream to walk over. They should choose fast, because otherwise, the ice cream is going to melt.

There’s actually quite a lot, and a lot of them are rather ugly. There’s a white cat somewhere, and a golden retriever next to it. Some really ugly birds that look like they’ve had their feathers plucked at one point. A seal. Another seal, but a bit bigger, and more brown than the other. Some boba tea plushies, an octopus, a blue fox.

Suddenly, Chu Wanning reaches into it, and grabs the possibly ugliest of them all. Well, okay, Mo Ran is being a bit unfair. It’s so ugly it’s cute again. It’s a scruffy little raccoon, the body bean-shaped, with a large head. What makes it so low-key ugly is the fact its eyes aren’t symmetric, and the length of its fur.

“You’re dooming this child to forever be obsessed with racoons, given how obsessed she is with you,” Mo Ran says, as Chu Wanning places the ice cream into the stand for a second to stroke its fur and straighten it out a little. Ah, that way, it looks more cute than ugly, which is good. Mo Ran might’ve said something otherwise. The eyes aren’t that bad anymore now, when it doesn’t look like the most disheveled thing ever.

It’s very small, too; just the length of Chu Wanning’s hand.

“There’s worse things to be obsessed with.”

“Like?”

“Like bugging your professor about cooking for you.”

“Haha, come on, Prof, I cook so much for you, aren’t you meant to teach me cooking, not the other way around? Come on, come on-“

“I’m going to the checkout, give me your ice cream.”

“Huh? No, I’m paying,” Mo Ran says, but Chu Wanning just sighs.

“Nonsense. I’m the one that has a job. I’ve been saving up now so I can get a new flat, so let me pay.”

Seriously – professors make so much money, where has it all been going beforehand? Partly, into his projects, probably. But something tells Mo Ran that a lot of it might have landed with charity, knowing Chu Wanning.

“…Fine, treat your poor, poor student, then, Prof!”

*

The next morning when Mo Ran gets out of bed, Chu Wanning is already gone; he’s left the keys for him, but his shoes aren’t anywhere to be seen.

Next to the keys however, is the small racoon plushie. He must’ve forgotten it when he hurried out.

Mo Ran gives a big yawn, stretches, and gets mentally ready for not getting a boner in class later.

Chapter Text

“You don’t look good at all, and you should be in bed right now.”

“No,” Chu Wanning sighs, looking at Xue Zhengyong, who’s looking him up and down for at least the fifth time today. Of course, he’s older than him; however, that doesn’t mean that he has to treat him like a child that doesn’t know their limits. Chu Wanning is completely alright to be at work right now.

Sure, his throat hurts every time he speaks, but that’s okay. He can still talk, his voice still works, and whether it hurts or not is solely his concern – his students are more important than him, and no one else can hold his lectures the same way he can. He might also feel very dizzy and weak, but it’s not that he would pass out at any point in time, so he’s clearly fine to be here. He does also feel warm, but not hot, so it can’t even be a fever. So – Chu Wanning is fine. He needs Xue Zhengyong to stop trying to gaslight him.

“This is just a little cold,” he insists, “I’ll have a runny nose tomorrow, and the day after, I’ll be fine. It’s just one more class anyways.”

“…If you say so,” Xue Zhengyong comments, but something tells Chu Wanning that he doesn’t believe what he’s saying at all.

Which is stupid.

Because he’s fine.

So, as if to demonstrate exactly that, Chu Wanning hits ‘send’ on the corrected term paper of someone from last semester. The last from that class, which means all papers from the last semester are now corrected. From now on, it’ll be more relaxed again, until he gets a new bout of papers at the end of this semester. He should probably start making his exams so that he can check them over.

Once that’s done, he quickly checks his phone. What for, he’s not sure. It’s just- sometimes, Mo Ran sends him things. Usually, it’s photos of Plum doing something cute, but over the past four days, it’s also been fanart for that anime they’ve been watching. Only an episode or two a day, but it’s still time spent sitting together in the kitchen, relatively close to each other, and it makes Chu Wanning all soft inside.

It’s just twenty or forty minutes at a time, but he gets to breathe the same air as Mo Ran. He gets to generally just breathe in Mo Ran, with all his little laughs and smiles and offended gasps, as if he hasn’t watched this anime four times already as according to himself. It means that he can just bathe in his presence, before he goes back to his room either to sleep, or to work on projects, and try to not let it get to him too much.

Even if no one sees him, Chu Wanning still has dignity. Those lovesick smiles that sometimes creep onto his face after interacting with Mo Ran, though? Not dignified at all.

“You caught it from the kid? What’s her name again? I’ve made it my goal to pay more attention to names.”

Weird sentence to just kind of say, but whatever. This is Xue Zhengyong; he probably forgot someone’s name, and now feels overly bad for it. Chu Wanning closes his e-mail program, and puts his phone down, because Mo Ran has, in fact, not sent him a message. Which makes sense, because why would he? Mo Ran didn’t complain about Chu Wanning calling him a friend in front of Kora, but he’s not sure he considers him such.

Chu Wanning never actually knows when someone can be considered a friend.

“Kora,” he answers, even if it huts his throat. “And yes. Probably. It’s not that bad.”

“How is she?”

“Just sniffing and coughing a little now, as according to my co-workers,” since he hasn’t been in the orphanage for 4 days now, because of work, “she’ll be fine in a week, probably. Colds take some time.”

“…You just said you’d be fine in two days,” Xue Zhengyong argues, but luckily shuts up once Chu Wanning shoots him a glare.

“I will be. This is not a full-blown cold.”

He grabs his water bottle and takes a swig from it. It hurts his throat more than it helps, but it was worth a try. He’s just going to have to sit this out; throat pain usually gets better over the course of a day or two, so he’ll probably be fine when he wakes up tomorrow morning.

“Ask Mo Ran to cook you some soup tonight. He’s really good at it, and he won’t mind. And have some fruit, okay?”

“Stop acting like my father,” Chu Wanning sighs, and Xue Zhengyong luckily doesn’t know his father, so he doesn’t know how wrong of a statement that is. His father probably wouldn’t have cared enough about that-

Well, he used to care, until Chu Wanning wasn’t that perfect child anymore, that is; but that doesn’t matter anyways. He’s probably never going to speak to him again. He’s not sure he has that in him.

“Haha, wouldn’t that make your whole situation even more awkward? Then Mo Ran would be your brother-“

“No,” Chu Wanning interrupts him, “don’t even finish that sentence. No way in hell. It’s bad enough I live together with him already.”

“It’s alright,” Xue Zhengyong laughs, “you’re both adults, you’re actively looking for a different flat, so whatever. Anyway, you’ve ought to go home. You’re not well.”

“I have a meeting with Shi Mei still.”

“I’ll stay here and tell him you’ve gone home. He can shoot you a mail with whatever question he has, right? I mean, unless he’s just looking for excuses to talk with you.”

Right. Chu Wanning forgot that he did tell Xue Zhengyong abot the whole Hua Binan and Shi Mei affair; that literally both of them claimed to have been in love with him.

“Nonsense,” he says, even if he’s not so sure he believes himself. “Shi Mei wouldn’t do such things.”

“Eh. Teens do that stuff all the time. I know Mo Ran would damn well do that,” Xue Zhengyong laughs, and somehow… he says it in a weird tone of voice. Chu Wanning isn’t entirely sure of what to make of that. Is he implying something?

Oh no.

Has he caught on to the fact that Chu Wanning is in love with Mo Ran? Fuck, there’s literally no way he can tell him or affirm this in any way-

“I don’t care,” Chu Wanning thus says, and if he sounds snappy, then isn’t that his good right? He doesn’t want to talk about his students’ love life, because anything else would clearly be unprofessional. Even if it’s already highly unprofessional to be in love with one of those students.

If only Mo Ran wasn’t so stupidly… bright. He’s literally like the sun, and sometimes, Chu Wanning finds that he’s too blinding.

Even if he wasn’t his professor, he just… he wouldn’t be good enough for him.

He’s not someone who deserves this kind of light.

“Hmm. Either way, you go home. I’ll let Shi Mei know. If you want to recover so fast, you need to get a good night of sleep. Or else I’ll tell my wife that you said her cake didn’t taste good-“

“Don’t you dare,” Chu Wanning wheezes, hating how absolutely weak his voice is at this point, and also how this gets to him. If he can’t handle one thing, it’s Xue Zhengyong or his wife or both of them being sad, whether it’s because of a lie or not.

“Okay, well, then off to home with you,” Xue Zhengyong laughs, and Chu Wanning gives up for good.

There’s only so much Xue Zhengyong begging that he can reasonably take.

He’s really starting to see why Mo Ran and Xue Meng turned out like they did. They maybe be childish, but they both care a lot. Meaning that he really doesn’t deserve to interact with either of them.

Especially not Mo Ran.

Especially not romantically, because he won’t like him that way either, and theoretically, Chu Wanning knows that’s okay. Practically however, that’s just not how this works.
Oh, how easy it’d be to be a human without emotions, sometimes. But, since he categorically refuses to be anything like his father, he’s gong to have to put himself through feeling them.

It’s fine.

That way, he can at least repent for being in love with a student.

“Alright,” he sighs in the end. “Tell Shi Mei to contact me per e-mail, and I’ll answer him immediately.”

“Will do!”

*

“You’re back already? That’s great, ‘cause food will be a bit earlier today, I miscalculated. New dish and all!”

Even if Mo Ran doesn’t love him back, then at the very least, Chu Wanning is still getting a taste of what it’d be like for him to do so. He’s standing in the kitchen with his apron and a blender, and the kitchen smells of vegetables and spices, but he already knows that none of them are going to be chili, since Mo Ran knows he can’t handle that.

His stomach growls – quietly, luckily, so that Mo Ran doesn’t here.

“Hm. I’m back,” he says, and that makes Mo Ran’s head whip around.

“…Your voice. You’re sick. Get into bed, I’m taking soup to you.”

“I’m not sick, everyone needs to stop saying this,” Chu Wanning says, discarding his leather shoes in the entry, and then setting down his bag with a soft sound. It’s then that Plum walks out of Mo Ran’s room, ears pricked, and she walks towards him to greet her.

Right when Chu Wanning leans down to pet her, he sneezes, and nearly doubles over. Plum stares up at him in shock, but she’s used enough so that she is back to walking around his legs the next second. Only then does he actually manage to pet her.

At least her soft fur makes her feel at home; although Mo Ran already makes him feel enough at home as it is.

“No, you’re definitely sick,” Mo Ran says. Fine, then get in the kitchen, I’ll bring your food. Tomorrow, I’m making chicken soup. Have you taken any medication yet?”

“No, it’s not that bad,” Chu Wanning rasps out, and does walk into the kitchen, because he’s hungry, okay?

For a few seconds, Mo Ran looks at him a little weirdly; but that gaze is quickly replaced with a small sigh coming from him.

“Of course not. I’ll bring you soup, and meds that you can take after. Don’t make this worse than it probably already is.”

“It’s not bad. My throat is just aching, I don’t have a fever or anything. It’s just because I spent too much time with Kora, I’ll be fine tomorrow when I wake up.”

Mo Ran looks like he really and sincerely doesn’t believe that, so Chu Wanning just gives him another little glare and then sits down at the kitchen table, waiting patiently for his soup, even if it’s only to imagine for a little while longer that Mo Ran is his husband, and that he’s going to spend the rest of his life with him, and if that’s a bit delusional, then god, let him.

Let him have at least the fantasies that are never going to get fulfilled either way.

“Alright,” Mo Ran says, placing a steaming bowl of vegetable soup in front of him, and then handing him a small plate with small pieces of bread on it, fried cheese and spices on them, probably to dunk into the soup.

(Chu Wanning doesn’t have cheese very often at all, and he’s not too fond of it, but it smells good, and he’s very sure Mo Ran is managing to make it taste very good either way.)

“Please just… take care, alright? Don’t overdo it. Professors can take time off, too. It’s Friday tomorrow, it’d just be a day anyways.”

“I’m not,” Chu Wanning starts, grabbing one piece of cheesy bread, “taking a day off.”

“Suit yourself, then,” Mo Ran responds, grabbing his own bowl and plate, and sitting down opposite of him. “At least take medication after dinner. But I have a very, very strong feeling you’ll wake up with a fever.”

“No, I won’t.”

He takes the bread to the soup and then stuffs it into his mouth and ah, yeah, he’d stay with Mo Ran lifelong even just for the food. The bread is crispy, and there isn’t actually that much cheese on it, and it pairs wonderfully with the soup that’s mostly potatoes and tomatoes, he thinks. It tastes both grounding and fruity, and just- like home.

All of Mo Ran’s meals just taste like home, and Chu Wanning isn’t sure whether any of the meals he’s had before this ever tasted like home, apart from the wontons he had with-

“Have you done your homework yet?”

“Huh? Ah,” Mo Ran lets his bread sink, “not yet. I was busy over the past few days, with another seminar, since I have a presentation next week…”

“On what?”

“Ah. Academic citing.”

“…I’ll look over it for you.”

“No need,” Mo Ran immediately says, “You already said you wouldn’t help me with that stuff, and I agree. It’s fine, I need to get the grades on my own, I don’t mind, really. There’s no need-“

“I’ll check it once, that’ll be a matter of five minutes. Don’t worry about such things, Mo Ran. Whether I check it, or Ye Wangxi, does it really make a difference?”

“…Well, no. Got me there,” Mo Ran laughs, “I guess she also has a lot to do, and if you’re going to be at home with a fever anyways…”

“I won’t.”

Chu Wanning is getting closer to throwing a piece of bread at Mo Ran with every passing second, actually. He’s not going to have a fever, because that would be inconvenient as hell. So, all he can do is hope he doesn’t actually get a fever like everyone seems to think he will. Given his track record, he might though, and that’d be bad not just for class tomorrow, but also the weekend.

“Alright, you won’t,” Mo Ran says, but he says it with a little smile that betrays that he doesn’t believe what he’s saying. Chu Wanning might throw a piece of bread at him, and a spoon of soup.

It’s really good though. There’s fried sunflower seeds and sesame on the soup’s surface too. Mo Ran should’ve opened a restaurant instead of becoming a car mechanic. Then again, that way, Chu Wanning would’ve probably never gotten to meet him – actually, he would’ve, if only Mo Ran was there one single time while Xue Zhengyong invited him over.

“The soup’s good?”

“Hm.”

“I’m glad. You’re going to have a lot of soup while you’re sick, so don’t get tired of it just yet.”

“I’m not.”

“Genuinely,” Mo Ran sighs, “you and your issues to admit any weakness whatsoever. It’s fine if you’ve got a cold. Just make sure to rest properly so you can actually recover.”

“It’s none of your concern.”

“You live with me, and until you move out, it’ll stay my concern.”

“I’ll move out then.”

“Chu Waning, come on. It’s a common cold. Calm down. Eat the soup, take your medicine, and go to bed. I’ll do everything else that needs to be done around the house.”

‘Like I always do’ hangs in the air, because let’s face it – Chu Wanning does not help much around the house, and he is genuinely grateful for that. If Mo Ran was a girl, everyone would be calling him the perfect housewife. Which he is, even if he’s a guy, to be fair.

“Either way,” he sighs, “I’m going to be fine tomorrow.”

“…Press ‘X’ to doubt.”

Chu Wanning has no idea what the hell that means, but he’s very certain that he’ll wake up all better.

*

Chu Wanning does not wake up all better.

In fact, he wakes up much worse, and it’s not even to his alarm; given that it’s already bright outside, though, he must’ve overslept. He lets out a small grunt, but that already hurts his throat badly enough, so he decides to not speak until he has to go to class. Slowly, he turns around to grasp for his phone and check the time – which is when he realizes why he woke up, if not for his alarm.

Namely, Mo Ran standing in his room, opening the windows, and brushing the curtains aside to let in some more light.

He does wince a bit at the light, because it makes him realize that he actually has quite the bad headache, pounding away behind his temples.

So, he closes his eyes right back up.

“You’re not better, are you?” Mo Ran sighs, “you didn’t come out of the room even half an hour after your alarm went off, so I thought I’d go check on you. You probably need some water, right? I’ll get some, just stay here.”

“…No need,” Chu Wanning croaks out, “I have to get up and go hold my class.”

“…What the fuck, no. So, you’re not doing that, actually. What the hell, Chu Wanning. You’re staying in bed, and I’m going to take care of you. It’s Friday, and then it’s the weekend, and you’ll call the orphanage that you can’t come work over the weekend, either. It’ll take a lot longer if you don’t rest properly.”

That’s when Chu Wanning notices that Mo Ran is wearing short, grey sweatpants, and holy shit.

He wished he’d never seen that.

Whatever the hell Mo Ran has in his pants – it’s nothing Chu Wanning could take even if he wanted to. He’s never even put a damned finger inside of himself. There’s no way he’d manage whatever that is behind the light-grey cloth. No way in hell, nope, no. No. Just no.

Why is it so huge? Is that real?

“You’re really red, too,” Mo Ran sighs, walking towards him and then sinking down onto his knees next to his bed. “You’ve got a fever?”

Like this, he at least can’t see Mo Ran’s… monster, for lack of a better word. This is a monster, nothing else.

Slowly, as if making sure that he’s a cat that’s ready to be petted, Mo Ran raises his hand and brings the back of it to Chu Wanning’s forehead, and then his cheeks.
The touch feels incredibly soft. It feels like something he doesn’t deserve. So, he shrinks away. Mo Ran doesn’t seem all too concerned by that, but rather by Chu Wanning being ill.

“I think you do. I don’t have a thermometer to check, though. Alright, I’m going to bring you some water, and some breakfast, and then you’ve ought to take something for the fever.”

“No. I have to go to class.”

“You can do and say whatever you want to me,” Mo Ran says, “but I’m not letting you go.”

And, as if the fever and headache and stinging in his throat weren’t already bad enough, Chu Wanning is now also incredibly turned on.

Isn’t that great?

He wished Mo Ran would not let him go, not ever again, but that’s unrealistic, and there’s no way Mo Ran would in any way want him like Chu Wanning wants him. It’s really about time he accepted that.

Whatever. He’s apparently forced to stay in bed either way, because yeah, that expression Mo Ran wore on his face when he said that – he might just kill him if he tries to go anywhere but the bathroom. And besides… the prospect of Mo Ran caring for him, until he has class later in the afternoon? He can be selfish once more, right?

Also, his throat hurts so much he just straight up couldn’t argue with Mo Ran about this, even if he wanted to, so he might as well just give up.

It doesn’t take long until Mo Ran comes back with two bowls. He puts them onto the floor, then rearranges some of the clutter on Chu Wanning’s nightstand, until he has made enough space to place them there instead. One of them is rice porridge, and it smells really sweet. Mo Ran must’ve suspected that he’d wake up in this state, and he must be trying really hard to get him to eat something, because usually, Mo Ran is all about healthy food; sweet things he does make, but always reasonably sweet. So this must be just because he’s sick.

It makes him all warm inside.

“Here. Some rice porridge and fruit. Figured you need the vitamins. The porridge is very sweet, as in, I couldn’t eat that at all, but I figured you need the energy. Can you sit up?”

“…I can try,” Chu Wanning mumbles, and is right about to sit up when he notices the familiar weight on his legs.

“…Ah,” he rasps, looking at Plum, curled up on the blanket below his thighs.

Mo Ran follows his gaze and barks out a short laugh.

“Wait, wait, I’ve got an idea.”

And then, he simply reaches below the bedsheets, as if it was nothing, brushes Chu Wanning’s legs with his hands, and raises Plum up from down below.

Her only reaction at that is sleepily blinking a bit, and then relaxing on the blanket held up by Mo Ran, while Chu Wanning scrambles to sit up, trying his best to get away from Mo Ran’s hands and arms, because he’s stupidly attracted to Mo Ran’s hands and arms. The issue is that by doing so, he actually brushes them even more than before, which, yeah, that’s bad.

He wants to die.

At least he isn’t cis – not a thought he thought he’d ever have – so Mo Ran won’t see the state of arousal he’s currently in.

…Surely he can’t smell it, right? Can people smell that? He’s wearing clothes, so no, right? Okay, he’s probably overthinking this big time right now, but he just can’t stand the thought of Mo Ran in any way knowing about his attraction to him.

“Alright. Now you can dig in.”

Mo Ran eventually raises the blanket and rearranges Plum so that she’s on Chu Wanning’s thighs again.

She doesn’t even stir much, just stretches once, and then rearranges herself into he new position. Chu Wanning has not a single idea how this cat is so damned relaxed that she just lets Mo Ran do this to her.

He grasps the bowl; at least he still has some strength in him, he supposes, and does dig into the porridge first.

It tastes really good. Mo Ran is right – it’s very sweet, but that’s a good thing. He’s very grateful that Mo Ran is indulging him as much.

“Alright. Hand me your phone.”

“…What?”

“I’m going to write a mail to whomever you need to inform that you can’t come into class today. It’s only one, right?”

“Yes. Shut up. I’ll do it myself.”

“So, you’ll stay home?”

“…Yes,” Chu Wanning huffs out, trying to sound as annoyed as possible, “but I can’t call off the orphanage tomorrow and the day after. There’s a charity event there on Sunday, and I promised I’d be there.”

“Oh, what kind of event?” Mo Ran asks, and suddenly his eyes are shining, “the orphanage I was in never did that. How does it work?”

“Basically, we-“ ah, eating and swallowing something really does help the sore throat, at least, “gathered some old toys we still had, some from the kids that they were growing out of, too, and some old toys we got donated. Then, we sell them to whoever wants them, and then we’ll use the money for the house. There’s some renovations that needs to be made.”

“Oh, I see! That’s great. But nope. You’re not going there.”

“I have to, Mo Ran. They’re counting on me.”

“I don’t care. Knowing you, you probably haven’t missed a single day of work ever since you started there, and your coworker was really nice. She’s not going to be awful about you having caught a cold, especially given how you caught it. Seriously. Don’t go.”

“You don’t get it,” Chu Wanning scolds him through a mouthful of sweet porridge, “we have shifts. I have a shift. I can’t let my co-worker handle it alone, it might be way too many people. I have to go. I don’t get a choice in this.”

“Hm. I’ve got an idea,” Mo Ran says, “hand me your phone. Type in the number. I’ll call ‘em.”

“Absolutely

not! Who do you think you are?”

Yeah, okay, so shouting is not good for his throat, so he quickly gives up on that. Chu Wanning breathes a sigh.

“What’s the idea?”

“I go instead of you!”

“…Absolutely not.”

“Why not? Your co-worker knows me now! We’re friends, we’ve texted every day ever since we first met!”

…Wait.

Is Chu Wanning’s coworker hitting on Mo Ran? Oh god. Oh no. She can’t be, right? She has a husband and child. There’s no way. What if she isn’t hitting on Mo Ran, but the other way around-

“I said no,” he says, and his voice comes out a lot more dripping with hatred than he had meant it to, “you’re not doing any such thing.”

“No, seriously, I was an orphanage kid. I’ve babysat a crapton of times. Xue Meng’s gonna be there anyways-“

“What?”

“Huh? Did dad not tell you? I did know about that charity drive, actually, he just didn’t tell me which orphanage, but once you told me what exactly it was- huh. He’s really got a weird habit of accidentally leaving out crucial details for things that could potentially be crucial to my life, huh? Well, ahem, anyways- I do know about it. Xue Meng is gonna be there, since his mom’s helping cook or something?”

Oh. The food. Right.

“…Xue Zhengyong has, in fact, not told me about that.”

“Ah, classic Xue Zhengyong,” Mo Ran laughs, “well, either way, they also know me. I can just go and sit around and sell some toys, it’s really no issue, I swear! I’ll gladly do it! Anything but thinking about what I want to write my first term paper about. Anything but that. Please, Chu Wanning, let me do this. It can’t be that bad.”

“No. You can’t do that. I’ll have to go-“

“No.”

“Mo Ran.”

“Prof.”

For a bit, the two of them stare at each other, which is also when Chu Wanning realizes just how down bad he really is for this man – he doesn’t mind eye contact with him. He minds eye contact with literally everyone.

“What.”

“Prof. Chu Wanning. Just let me call them and ask.”

“If anyone calls them, it should be me.”

“With that voice? No way in hell. You focus on getting your food down. Come on, type in their number. Just- let me do something for you, okay?”

To that, Chu Wanning has no response. Is Mo Ran wholly unaware of all the things he’s doing for him already? Like, you know, handling every single thing around the house, raising his mood by a lot simply by existing, providing constant daydreaming material, and literally taking care of him while sick?

Yet…

He’s right.

Chu Wanning can’t really hold any more conversation than the one he’s holding right now, because it’s making his throat significantly worse. Mo Ran might have a point.

So, with a little sigh, he takes his phone into one hand, unlocks it, and searches for the contact, then hands it to Mo Ran. He does still try to look his most defiant, though, because he’s not going to let Mo Ran have the satisfaction of him doing this voluntarily. Because this, he isn’t doing voluntarily at all. But, pride this or that, Mo Ran makes him feel somewhat safe enough to put the pride down at least a little, allow him to accept some help here and there, at least.

Oh. Chu Wanning hates just how in love he is with this man, especially when Mo Ran gives him a beaming smile, and takes his phone from him, immediately tapping on the calling button, and then the speaker button to make sure Chu Wanning can hear.

It takes a while till someone picks up, but it just so happens to be Mo Ran’s…

Whatever.

His friend. Date, who might be cheating on her husband. Chu Wanning wouldn’t know, and he doesn’t want to know.

“It’s me, Mo Ran! Had to steal Chu Wanning’s phone, ‘cause he really can’t talk right now.”

“…Don’t tell me he caught Kora’s cold.”

“Yep! He totally did!”

Mo Ran’s voice is all cheery, and in the end, he sits down on the bed next to Chu Wanning, very absentmindedly starting to pet Plum on Chu Wanning’s thighs as he tries his hardest not to choke on his rice porridge about it. His hand is way too close to… him. In general. But specifically too close to his lap. Could his cold be fixed by sex-

Yeah.

No.

He might just go kill himself if he has any other thoughts like this.

“Ah… oh dear. Is he good to come to the charity drive? We have a shift together, and it’s in the afternoon, so it’s probably when most people are going to be there…”

“He’s got a fever, and he can’t talk,” Mo Ran explains for him, “so, no. I don’t think he’ll be able to do that even in two days. I was going to offer that I could come help out? My adoptive mom is going to be there to cook, anyways. Together with my adoptive brother. And I mean, you also know me, and I’m good with kids, and I’m also pretty good at selling things, so I figured I might be able to do it instead of him?”

“In theory I like the idea,” she laughs, “it’d be nice to see you again, anyways. We could talk some more- ah, Chu Wanning is with you right?”

What does that mean? What does she want to talk to Mo Ran about that Chu Wanning can’t hear? Chu Wanning sets the bowl down so hard that Plum’s head bumps into Mo Ran’s hand that he was just raising to pet her again. Mo Ran even laughs at him, and it makes Chu Wanning feel all embarrassed and awful about all of this.

“Nothing crude, Chu Wanning, don’t worry. Think she’s just asking about whether you’re listening in like, in general. Yeah, he’s with me right now. Eating breakfast. But yeah, we could exchange some more recipes! So, does it work?”

“I’ll talk about it with the others, but I mean, I’ll be there. And I’ve met you, and you seem like a very nice young man. I’ll try to talk it out with them. I’ll call you back in the evening or just text you, is that okay?”

“Yep, totally fine! If not, I’ll at least come with Chu Wanning in case anything happens.”

What’s going to happen? It’s not like Chu Wanning is a person to faint or anything; that’s never actually happened to him before except for those few times during puberty, but once out of that, he hasn’t ever lost consciousness. Not even when he did work full days with a fever.

“Alright! Then, get well soon, Chu Wanning! Kora’s definitely going to miss you. I’ll let her know. If you get well enough to talk, let me know, so I can at least tell her to call you then.”

Chu Wanning gives a short nod, so Mo Ran affirms it for him. He and his coworker say their goodbyes, and then Mo Ran puts down the phone with a sigh.
“Well, now we wait, I suppose. Kora’s really attached to you though, huh? Have you ever thought about adopting her?”

Chu Wanning swallows another spoon of sweet porridge, then grabs some of the fruit, just to have a small change of taste in between.

“…What.”

“Adopting her,” Mo Ran repeats. “She’s clearly super attached to you. You make a lot of money. I mean, yeah, I guess you’d have to stop working at the orphanage in that case, but you could do most your university work at home, right-"

“Mo Ran.”

“Hm?"

“Shut it.”

He’s not going to explain all the reasons as to why he’s certainly not going to adopt a child, or not even be able to do so, given the fact he’s single and very much still has work.
…And it’s not like he’s never thought about it, not exactly. But she deserves better than him, and also, he does still have work. And he doesn’t even have an apartment right now. It’s not like he doesn’t want children, though – it’s just that he’s long come to terms with the fact he’s never going to find a partner to raise a kid with, because no one would ever like him that way. Or like him enough to do that, even if not romantically. Which is okay.

Working at the orphanages is enough.

Mo Ran however, seems kind of undeterred by it all. He gives a small shrug, as if not really believing him again, and then hands his phone back. Chu Wanning snatches it away and places it back down with the porridge. Plum stretches herself before offering her belly to Mo ran, who jumps at the opportunity of stroking her. At least Plum’s belly isn’t a trap to get your hands clawed to shreds – only if you overstimulate her does she hit, but it’s more reflex than anything else, and Chu Wanning knows that.

“Whatever. I guess adopting as a single man might be hard, unless you’re not?”

…Yeah, Chu Wanning isn’t even going to deign that question with an answer. For some reason, Mo Ran’s gaze grows a bit grim for a few seconds at that; he quickly bounces back, though.

“Alright. I’ll stay with you till you’re done eating to make sure it stays down, then you’ll take your meds, and then I’m going shopping for more meds, and some cough drops. Any preferences for taste?”

“Nothing with menthol. Sage, if you can get some. If not, just normal fruit candy.”

Mo Ran’s expression very much says ‘of course you’d just sneakily ask me for candy’, but in Chu Wanning’s defense, he just really, really hates menthol. It tastes way too strong for his tastes, so he’d much rather have normal candy, which is still better than no cough drops at all.

Still, he gives a short nod.

For the rest of Chu Wanning eating, Mo Ran occupies himself by tidying up his room a little, emptying the trash can (only after asking him whether he could do that), and scolding him every now and again for the dirtier corners of his room.

Then, he takes the empty bowls, and Chu Wanning hears him wash them up, since Mo Ran left the door open a little for Plum.

Shortly before he leaves for the shops, he looks back into Chu Wanning’s room, probably to make sure he didn’t die after going to the bathroom or something – for the record, he didn’t. Mo Ran gives him a last beaming smile, and then leaves Chu Wanning to his own fate for however long it’ll take him to go shopping.

At the very least, Chu Wanning isn’t horny anymore. The pure thought that his coworker and Mo Ran might be about to fall in love with each other have destroyed that.

Which is for the better.

Because he wasn’t ever going to do anything about it, and he also most certainly wasn’t going to do anything about it while having a fever.

Instead, he takes the pills Mo Ran put there for him (aspirine and ibuprofen, as it seems), turns around, and falls right back asleep.

*

When Mo Ran comes back into the room, Chu Wanning is fast asleep, curled up on himself, breathing hard and looking all miserable. He lets out a small huff, and then sets down the sage cough drops he found together with the few packages of easy to eat candy and fruit, including jelly sticks, gummy bears, and a shitload of red berries. It’s okay. He’s sick. He can indulge this time.

Besides, the more he eats, the faster he recovers.

That husky plush is sitting on the bed’s headboard, and Mo Ran considers pushing it into Chu Wanning’s arms, but he ends up not doing it in fear of waking him up. The raccoon plushie for Kora is also still sitting on the sideboard in the entry, and Mo Ran isn’t exactly sure how Chu Wanning keeps forgetting it. He’ll remind him whenever he next goes to see her.

He said he wouldn’t break that promise to her.

Mo Ran believes him, even if he broke his promise to him.

Chu Wanning is facing him, brows all furrowed as if he’s concentrating really hard even in his sleep. He looks just like when he’s reading his German kids’ book (that he’s nearly done with now, actually) in the kitchen while Mo Ran is cooking.

He can’t help but give a small chuckle at it.

He’s right about to leave and just let him sleep when Chu Wanning’s phone gives a quiet notification sound, informing him that a message came in, but he doesn’t wake for it.

…And look.

Mo Ran knows it’s wrong, but he’s never said that he’s completely mentally stable and not possessive, so hey – he looks at Chu Wanning’s phone, and the message on the home screen, there for everyone to see, because Chu Wanning probably isn’t even aware that you can hide messages.

‘I’ll be in town for some time. Let me know if you want to meet up, A-ning.’

And Mo Ran sees red.

A-ning?

A-ning?

Who the actual hell dares call Chu Wanning that? Not even little Mo Ran dared to call him that, what the fuck? No way in hell would he ever have dared to go for something that intimate. And- wanting to meet up?

What the fuck?

Unable to keep himself from it, Mo Ran lets out a very, very frustrated noise.

So, Chu Wanning isn’t that pure after all, huh? He’s got a boyfriend, or girlfriend or whatever – hell, the number isn’t even saved. Is it an affair no one should know of? For a second, Shi Mei and Hua Binan run through his head, but that’s bullshit – they both live in this town, so that doesn’t match up. Is it a former student, maybe? Or someone else he’s not allowed to talk about?

God, has someone else gotten to touch him before Mo Ran?

He’s thirty-two. Why is Mo ran assuming that he’s a virgin to begin with? Of course he might’ve already gotten railed. Of course he must’ve. He’s fucking gorgeous. No one would pass up that opportunity, and hell, neither would Mo Ran.

Chu Wanning has a lover. The realization hits him like a bucket of fucking ice water in the face. Chu Wanning actually, really has a love. He stares down at his sleeping form, and the wave of pure hatred that rushes over him is so unexpected, because-

This is still the man who saved him, and he shouldn’t hate him at any rate, because what the hell? But he’s so in love with him that this hurts, and he feels like something inside of him is tearing apart so hard right now, like he’s going to shatter into a thousand fucking pieces and like he can’t be put back together ever again.

He has to get out of here.

He has to call Ye Wangxi. He has to get out-

“…Mo Ran? ‘d something happen?”

His voice is so sleepy, and usually, Mo Ran would find it cute, but now, he just finds that it hurts.

It cuts him open so deeply, and it feels like a thousand tiny needles prickling his heart, knowing that he’s not the first to hear this sleepy little voice. Knowing that he’s not-

That he’ll never-

“You got a text,” he says curtly, “sorry. I didn’t mean to read it. I just saw it and read it automatically.”

“Ah…” Chu Wanning makes, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes lazily, and then grabbing his phone to check who’s messaged him.

Mo Ran is already expecting him to light up in joy at seeing that his lover has texted him, whoever it is, but no.

All light falls from his eyes, and he looks haunted.

And maybe this is fucked up of Mo Ran to think, but it calms him down immediately, and it does so immensely, too.

Maybe this is just an ex? A really annoying, abusive ex that he can beat up or something? Make sure they’ll never message him again, not when it makes Chu Wanning have this look on his face, despite the teary, glassy eyes of a fever?

Mo Ran was about to so cruelly ask whether this is Chu Wanning’s lover, but he can’t bring himself to do that when his lips tighten up, his already strained breathing accelerating, a tired little sneeze accompanied by a pained noise that Mo Ran thinks isn’t necessarily related to any physical discomfort.

“…Just my father,” he says, and immediately puts the phone down, turned around.

Plum, curled up at his side now, looks up at him with something like worry in her eyes. Her ears twitch a few times as her and Chu Wanning’s gazes meet, but effectively, she doesn’t do anything else; just goes back to sleep.

She’s snoring a few seconds later while Mo Ran processes.

His father.

Okay.

It’s just his father. No lover. Nothing.

“Ah,” he says, way too relieved to keep his mouth shut, “I thought it might be a lover.”

“A- what? Nonsense. I’ve never-“

He doesn’t finish the sentence, but this is enough for Mo Ran. This is more than enough.

He’s never had a lover.

That’s all he really needed to know.

Whatever panic attack was creeping up on him in the past two minutes subsides as fast as it had come. For a while, he has to consciously control his breathing so that Chu Wanning doesn’t realize how hard it’s actually going.

“Are you… okay?” he asks instead, and Chu Wanning doesn’t answer. Just lowers his gaze.

In the end, he does respond – not directly to Mo Ran’s question, but enough for Mo Ran to know that he’s anything but okay.

“He kicked me out when I was a teenager, because I didn’t want to become a monk like him and also didn’t want to become a lawyer or doctor, and then I told him I was trans, and you can imagine the rest.”

That does absolutely nothing to console Mo Ran, and he might not want to beat up Chu Wanning’s non-existent lover, but he surely as hell wants to beat up his father.

“What the hell,” he says, already kneeling down next to the bed so that he’s more on Chu Wanning’s height, so that he can look him in the eyes at least, even if Chu Wanning is avoiding his gaze entirely.

“It’s alright. It’s all in the past. But I won’t talk to him. He just sends these messages from time to time. It’s alright.”

He keeps repeating that it’s alright, but even if he doesn’t feel any rage towards his father, then Mo Ran does – even if he thinks that Chu Wanning must also be angry. He wonders whether the slight trembling of his lips, the way he starts chewing at them and then stops himself means that he would also like to get a good punch at his father.

“No,” Mo Ran says. “No, it’s not alright. What the hell? Kicking out a teenager isn’t in any way okay. You were-“

“Homeless. For a while. Until I got my college scholarship. I worked at an orphanage, so I had a place to sleep half of the week though, and I made some money repairing people’s things and stuff. It wasn’t that bad. It’s no matter-“

“No, it’s a really big fucking matter, actually!” Mo Ran shouts, and only then realizes he’s shouting. It takes a lot of mental effort to calm himself down. Chu Wanning isn’t at fault for this. He doesn’t want to make him feel like he is, either. “It’s a big matter,” he repeats, through clenched teeth. He needs to calm the fuck down. “He kicked you out. I’m not surprised you don’t want to see him. Have you ever talked since then?”

“…Not really,” Chu Wanning sighs, “he left me alone for most of the time, but lately he keeps texting me. It goes in phases. He’ll let up again. He’s found out I’m a university professor now or something, so he’s probably just trying to make it clear to me how he’s told me I could go big, or whatever. I don’t care.”

He cares, and Mo Ran can see that, because he isn’t blind. He can see that Chu Wanning very much fucking cares, and he wished he felt safe expressing that with Mo Ran.
Then again, the fact he’s talking about this in first place means a lot, even if it’s just because he’s in bed with a fever, so Mo Ran will take that, and he’ll cradle it like a fucking treasure, because it means that Chu Wanning trusts him, at least to some extent. Even with such things.

“I care,” Mo Ran says, because he doesn’t have any issues admitting this. “I do care. And doing that to your child is absolutely horrible. No matter the reason. You were his responsibility. Your mother…?”

“Never in the picture. I’m adopted. I don’t know anything about my biological parents.”

Ah.

That makes a lot of sense.

Again, Mo Ran hurts – this time, not for himself, but for Chu Wanning.

He looks so small, all huddled up in the bedsheets with just a small, white cat to accompany him. He looks lonely. Mo Ran wished that Chu Wanning would let him make him less lonely, even if just a little. He wished he could stay by his side forever. Just to let him know that someone is there, even if Chu Wanning doesn’t care about that someone.

“I see,” he says, and reaches out. He doesn’t know why he touches Chu Wanning’s shoulder through his blanket, and he doesn’t know why Chu Wanning allows it – probably the fever, though. “Still. This is really bad. You deserved better, Chu Wanning.”

“Whatever.”

Those curt, dismissive answers won’t deter Mo Ran, though. He swallows around the words that threaten to bubble up in his throat, the urge to let Chu Wanning know who he is and what he feels for him, but he absolutely refuses to say them out loud. Not right now. He’s not going to burden him any more right now.

“It’s not whatever. It matters, and he’s a horrible father.”

“He wasn’t that bad. Not back in the day. He was alright until I turned out to not be what I wanted him to be. Seriously. It’s all in the past, there’s no need fretting over it now. I need to go back to sleep, I’m still really tired.”

Yeah, okay, there’s clearly no point trying to discuss this any further. It’s probably everything Chu Wanning managed right now, so Mo Ran will let up. He’ll let Chu Wanning have his way for now. Later, he’s going to reassure him that he can speak to him about these things whenever he wants to.

“Alright. Should I… stay?”

“…Do whatever you want,” Chu Wanning sighs, and then turns around, awkwardly shoving off his hand by doing that. Still, Mo Ran rearranges the blankets a little, as much as he can without bothering Plum, who suddenly started to purr at Chu Wanning turning around. She really is a little strange sometimes.

So, Mo Ran stays by his bed like a dog, until Plum starts snoring, and until Chu Wanning starts snoring, too.

He sits there and waits like a puppy protecting his dying owner even when it’s just a cold, and when the mix of snoring and deep breathing has gone on for long enough, Mo Ran reaches for Chu Wanning’s phone.

Earlier – and he really didn’t mean to watch nor remember this – he saw the small pattern that Chu Wanning uses to lock his phone.

So, Mo Ran picks it up as quietly as he can, always making sure that Chu Wanning still has his face turned from him, is still asleep, and draws the pattern he watched with his finger.

It’s unlocked on first try.

Swallowing, his heart beating out of his chest, he clicks on the chat with Chu Wanning’s father. He stares at the message for a bit, bile biting at his throat at the address, knowing now what he’s done, that the reason Chu Wanning thinks himself so unworthy of love and is so, so lonely is just because-

The reason he was homeless back then, so skinny and haughty, yet still had the kindness to spend his money on those milk candies-

Mo Ran takes a very, very deep breath, forces all of his tears right back down to where they came from, no matter how much he’s hurting for Chu Wanning right now, and starts typing.

‘Meet me Tuesday morning at nine. French Café at the very end of the main street. Don’t text me back.’

Then, Mo Ran, his heart still pounding wildly, deletes the message he just sent, and sets the phone back down, exactly like it was before.

Chapter Text

“…Hey, Chu Wanning.”

“Hm?” he makes, barely looking up from his laptop as Mo Ran walks through his door. It’s left open, since Plum is literally standing inside of it, clearly not yet having decided whether she wants to be in Chu Wanning’s room or not. Mo Ran traipses around her, which proves hard, because she keeps slowly swishing her tail, and he really doesn’t want to step on it.

“Does he… message you very often?”

It’s not a question whom this is about. Now, Chu Wanning puts down his ugly round glasses that Mo Ran still very much wants to fuck off his face so that they break, and gives him an annoyed sigh.

“Why do you want to know that?”

“Just-“

Because I’m meeting him in two days, and I haven’t told you that, and I texted him from your phone, and you should really change your lockscreen pattern because I don’t always have the best self-control, and I need to make sure he isn’t texting you about this again because then I’m going to be so, so fucked.

“Just because you seemed very bothered by it,” he says in the end, with a small smile that he barely manages to plaster on his face.

However, these words seem to have been the correct ones, because his face softens minimally.

“Not too often. Every few weeks. So, he won’t text me for another while. It’s been so long, I don’t care anymore.”

That’s a lie again. He’ll let it pass this time, because that means his father hasn’t yet texted him again. Mo Ran is still safe. It’s Sunday. Two more days, on Tuesday morning.
“Alright,” Mo Ran says, “anyways, uhm- can I go like this? Is this proper enough?”

Only now does Chu Wanning shut his laptop, which – good. He’s not meant to be working. He’s gotten better over the past two days, but he’s definitely not well by any means. He still has a fever (Mo Ran has no idea how he’s even able to work with a fever), his nose is running so hard that he has a plastic bag next to him where he’s depositing his tissues into, and he’s slowly starting to get a cough.

In truth, he shouldn’t go back to class tomorrow morning, but Mo Ran knows that he can’t talk Chu Wanning out of at least that.

All he can do is keep an eye on him.

For now, though, it’s Chu Wanning who eyes Mo Ran up and down. It’s not hot today, but still quite warm, so he grabbed his grey linen pants that should in theory be thin enough for him to not die in, and a short-sleeved, light-blue button-up for the same reasons. In truth, he’d rather be wearing black, but in case he has to spend a lot of time in the sun, it’s definitely better to be wearing lighter colours. He’s even put on his brown leather shoes from his apprenticeship’s graduation, which he took with him to university solely for presentations and the like – Xue Zhengyong told him to look all prim and proper for giving presentations, at least. Leave a good impression, because no matter how hard professors try, they’re not unbiased.

“…Mo Ran, this is a charity event, not a lecture that you have to give.”

“So what? If I want to sell stuff, I need to look proper.”

“At least put on your usual shoes,” Chu Wanning says, “you look too serious. The kids are going to think you’re one of the sponsors or something.”

“Haha… okay, my trainers it is, then,” Mo Ran laughs, a bit awkwardly, because it’s Chu Wanning’s place of work, so surely he would know how he should dress. “Apart from that, it’s fine? I don’t need long sleeves, right?”

“No,” Chu Wanning responds, his eyes catching on Mo Ran’s arms for a second, and ah, can Mo Ran please delude himself into thinking that it’s because Chu Wanning finds his arms really hot?

…Fine. He knows that’s not the case, so whatever.

“Okay. So, I can go? You’ll be okay on your own? I made meatbuns, they’re in the fridge. U can fry them in a little oil if you want. You can do that, right?”

“…I manage the frozen ones.”

“…So, yes?”

“Mo Ran.”

“Okay, okay,” Mo Ran laughs, getting the message. Chu Wanning won’t starve while he’s at the charity event. He won’t die. It’s just a cold, after all.

“You should leave. The bus is in five minutes.”

“I know, I know, I’m on it, just need my wallet and then I can go. I suppose I shouldn’t take the plushie for Kora?”

Somehow, for a second, an emotion flickers across Chu Wanning’s face, something like guilt, something Mo Ran can’t quite place because why the hell would he feel guilty?

“No. I’ll do that myself. Go, now. You don’t need food or drinks.”

“I know,” Mo Ran laughs, “auntie’s cooking, after all. Eurgh, an entire afternoon spent with Xue Meng, I could cry.”

Before Chu Wanning can berate him for insulting his little brother unnecessarily, Mo Ran gives him another grin, waves, and walks back out (Plum is inside now, looking up at Chu Wanning below his blanket like she’s going to jump on the bed any second now). He snatches his wallet and the keys, and leaves.

It’s fine.

This is going to be a good distraction from what he’s going to do in two days.

*

When Mo Ran arrives, the previous shift is just about to leave, Xue Meng sitting in one of the chairs scrolling his phone at the small food stand right next to the toy one, and Chu Wanning’s colleague in the one next to him, talking to a little boy. There’s actually quite a good amount of people there, looking through the toys, so clearly this is a success.

“Ah, Mo Ran!” Chu Wanning’s colleague who’s now his colleague greets him, waving at him, so he walks straight over to her. “Right in time!”

“A minute too late, actually,” Mo Ran says, “I’m sorry. The bus was late.”

“Don’t act like you’re sorry, you dog,” Xue Meng spits at him, because Mo Ran is faced with the realization that he’s actually going to sit next to him for the rest of the afternoon.
At least they have a parasol, so it’s very nice, temperature wise, and he’s not going to stink up the bathroom before he even steps into the shower. Nice enough. Even makes up for Xue Meng’s presence.

“It’s fine!” she says, laughing and patting his back a little. “Chu Wanning’s fine?”

“It’s just a cold. His fever isn’t gone yet, but he’s doing a bit better, so he’s probably okay to work next weekend. Okay, so, what is my job?”

“The toys already all have prices. If someone wants to pay more, you let them. Mention the donation box, too, whenever you can, and be nice. It’s not that hard of a job, I promise. Advertise your family’s food-“

“Nah. That’s my job. Don’t you dare steal that from me,” Xue Meng hisses, and Mo Ran leans over to ruffle his hair up.

“Sure, sure, Mengmeng. I’ll let it be your job, we’ll see who sells more-“

“Boys. Please don’t make this a competition.”

Mo Ran turns around to see his adoptive mother behind him, holding a new pot of fried noodles, followed by a man holding a large platter of tofu cake.

“Sorry, mom,” Xue Meng mutters, and Mo Ran loves what a momma’s boy he is, because that means he doesn’t have to deal with Xue Meng’s annoying little comments any longer.

(He loves him. Really – Mo Ran would go to actual hell for Xue Meng, and he knows that Xue Meng would do the same for him, too.)

“Good,” Ms Wang sighs, and both her and the man put down the food at their stand, Xue Meng looking at it like he might just start eating it himself, but it’s probably better if they only have the leftovers later, so that they can sell more.

“It’s good to see you again, Ran-er! I haven’t seen you since moving out! I’ve heard you’ve got a flatmate!”

It gets her a derisive snort from Xue Meng, and a little giggle from Mo Ran’s new coworker, whose name he only remembers to be Bernila because he had to save her number under some name, and they have actually been texting somewhat regularly.

“I did,” he says, “I bet… Dad’s told you already, so no need for me to repeat.”

“Yes, of course he has,” she says, and gives him another smile, then eventually looks at the girl standing in front of her. “What can I get you?”

“…Cake,” she mumbles, clutching her mother’s hand, and Xue Meng tries to put on his biggest customer service smile (he’s never worked in customer service, so it’s really bad), and repeats the cake’s price, receives the money, and puts it away.

Mo Ran will have the same job, mostly, so he better get used.

“Alright, you’re settled?” Bernila asks him, and Mo Ran gives a short nod.

“Yup. Don’t worry, I’ve got this. I’ve worked a bit here and there in my life.”

It gets him a sour look from Xue Meng again, but hey! Not his fault Xue Meng hasn’t ever had a job, he chose not to have one, since, okay, yeah, his family is low-key rich. Xue Zhengyong is a professor, for fuck’s sake. Of course they have a lot of money.

“Hello,” suddenly comes a voice, and Mo Ran looks up at a man standing in front of him that, well, he wouldn’t exactly expect to be at such an event. He’s wearing a prim and proper black suit with a golden tie and all, he’s bald, head all shiny, and he looks the way Chu Wanning seems to have been scared Mo Ran was going to look if he hadn’t exchanged his leather shoes for his trainers.

“Uh… hello,” he makes, clearing his throat once. “What can I get you? We have a great assortment of things here-“

“Ah, no, nothing. Don’t worry about it. I have no use for children’s toys,” the man says with the faintest of smiles, and yeah – Mo Ran isn’t sure what the fuck this guy is all about. “I just came here to donate, it’s alright. I assume this is the donation box?”

He points at the shoe carton wrapped in colourful wrapping paper, and a crapton of stickers. The kids must’ve designed it, he’s pretty sure. Mo Ran actually has no idea which of the kids here is from the orphanage, and which isn’t. He can’t see Kora anywhere, at least, because he’d probably recognize her.

“Oh, yeah, it’s this one!” he says, putting on a customer service smile much better than Xue Meng’s. “Either way, thank you a lot for any kind of donation. How about treating yourself to some noodles or cake, though? They’re made by my family, and if we’re good at anything, it’s cooking.”

“No need, I don’t eat sweets, and I’ve already had lunch.”

Alright. Mr. Fancy-pants doesn’t eat sweets. What is he, a monk? Whatever. Not like Mo Ran cares. As long as he donates some money, he doesn’t care.

And donate money, he does.

He pulls out his wallet, and grabs a big amount of it, stuffing it into the donation box.

Both Xue Meng and Bernila stare at him in absolute shock. Mo Ran even more than them because he grew up poor as hell and still can’t believe that some people simply have money at their disposal, for whatever they want to spend it on.

“Sir,” Bernila stutters, “are you sure-“

“It’s quite alright. I checked your website, and you need money for renovations, correct?” he gives a short sigh, as if uncertain of whether he’s actually making the right choice here. “So, just take it.”

“…Okay,” she says, as Mo ran is still too flabbergasted to speak, frankly. “If you’re entirely sure.”

“It’s alright. Have a good day.”

And then, he bows, and just walks away, as if he hasn’t just donated an insane amount of money to a relatively small orphanage, completely out of nowhere.

“…D’you know the guy?” Mo Ran asks, just to make sure, and Bernila only mechanically shakes her head.

“Nope. Not at all. I mean- it’s great, but what if he’s a mafia member or something? Suit and all.”

“I… doubt it,” Mo Ran laughs, “really doesn’t have that kind of vibe. He’s really strange but… money is money. It’s fine, just accept it.”

“…I think this is more than Chu Wanning gives us on a monthly basis.”

Okay. Maybe Mo Ran doesn’t want to know how much money Chu Wanning gives the orphanage. He has a feeling it’s at least double the wage he gets from them, because that’s just what he’s like – there’s a reason he doesn’t have a lot of money even though he’s a professor just one rank below Xue Zhengyong at this point. Because of course he’d do something like that. Because Chu Wanning has always been all about helping the common people, and Mo Ran gulps heavily at the thought that he’s really just way, way too good for him. That he could never have him, let alone be like him.

He's still watching the man walk away, with the kind of posture that only someone in high position would have. He walks to behind the orphanage building, taking a turn, and at the same time, there’s a small little screech from that direction. Mo Ran is about to jump up and check whether the guy might actually be from the mafia, but then he already sees Xue Zhengyong come up from behind the counter, quickly talking to the man, and then picking someone up from the ground.

Mo Ran immediately recognizes that someone as Kora, who wipes off her skirt, and then her elbows, stretching a little after Xue Zhengyong says something else to her. She seems fine and not hurt; must’ve just run into the guy, then fallen to the ground.

It seems like the three of them talk for a little while longer, but everything appears to be alright.

Until Xue Zhengyong and Kora reach them, Mo Ran has already sold his first toy – one of those small stress balls with an angry face on it, the five-year-old boy who’s bought it looking like he’s won the lottery or something. Xue Zhengyong waves at them once they come closer, and now Mo Ran can hear that he’s speaking to her in German, which makes a lot of sense. Being a German professor and all.

“Ah!” she exclaims, pointing at Mo Ran, and then saying something else in German.

Listen, okay, all he knows is how to say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ and order a beer, because that’s crucial vocabulary, but that’s… all.

Maybe Chu Wanning should teach him some.

Xue Meng, however, looks disgusted, and he looks disgustedly at Mo Ran specifically, and right – he does know more than enough to get around for sure, and something tells Mo Ran that they’re talking about him.

“You’re Chu Wanning’s friend!” she says to him, and okay, great, at least she remembered to switch languages.

“Yes,” he says as she stares at him from across the table with shining eyes – still a little pale, and she gives a short sniff, but other than that, she seems to have recovered from the cold.

“I want to buy something.”

“Uh-huh,” Mo Ran chuckles, and looks at the coins in her hand. She looks so proud, and much more energetic than when she was sick. Which makes sense. Mo ran gives her the hugest beaming smile he can manage.

“What do you want to buy, Kora?” he asks, and she gives a huge grin back.

“You know my name!”

“Of course I do!”

“I don’t know yours.”

“It’s Mo Ran,” he explains, and then points at the table in front of them. She looks for a while, Xue Zhengyong still standing at her side – he must’ve found her behind the orphanage and talked her into coming here or something, given that she’s alone and not with any of the other kids.

“Ah! Mo Ran. That’s a cool name. Anyways! Those.”

She points at three small necklaces, each just one of those black thread necklaces, with a red stone attached at their ends.

“All of them?” Mo Ran gasps, “are you rich?”

“Yep!” she says, pointing at the coins in her hand, which are, in fact, enough to pay for the necklaces.

“You’re going to wear them all at the same time?”

“Nuh-uh. One of them is going to be a present!” she says the last part in a quiet whisper, looking around as if to check whether anyone is listening in on her secret. “And the other one would be lonely. On its own. So!”

Alright, so, basically – this kid’s great. Mo Ran might just adopt her himself, actually. She’s insanely cute.

“That’s a great idea,” Mo Ran agrees, “presents are always good. Alright, here you go!”

Mo Ran takes the three necklaces and holds them up high for a second, trying to be as dramatic about their exchange of goods as he can possibly be, because kids love that. And, yeah, sure she does – she releases a high little giggle, takes them from him, and then drops her coins into his hand.

Mo Ran puts them into the cash box and watches as Kora stares amazedly at the necklaces, immediately putting them all around her neck.

“I thought they weren’t all for you?” he laughs, and she gives him a small glare.

“Too lazy to carry them, though.”

“Ah, of course, of course. Well, wanna help me out here?”

He pats the chair behind him that’s still empty, and her eyes light up properly.

“Can I? But I can’t do a lot of maths.”

“Eh, we’ll manage, come here.”

And, because she’s a kid, she doesn’t walk around the table like anyone else would, but disappears below it and crawls towards him, resurfacing once she’s reached the other side.
“Wow, you’re in a good mood today,” Bernila says once Kora is grinning at her, too. Kora does sit down in the seat behind Mo Ran after dragging it towards him a bit more, absentmindedly playing with the necklaces around her neck; they’re also just way too long for her and reach her stomach. Once his shift is over or there’s less to do, Mo Ran will grab the necklace and tie it into adjustable knots.

“I am!” she says, “Uncle was really nice to me!”

And that last part is said with a smile at Xue Zhengyong. Yeah, Mo Ran can imagine.

“Found her behind the house when I came here,” he says, standing next to his wife at this point because if Xue Zhengyong is in the vicinity of his wife, he will be very close to her. “Thought I’d bring her here.”

Kora must not have been a lot to handle, given the fact that Xue Zhengyong raised Mo Ran.

“I’m here now!” she announces, and then stares up at Mo Ran, looking at his face first, then letting her gaze travel down until it reaches his shoes, and then back up. “Woah. You’re like, really tall. I didn’t notice when I was sick. Can you lift Wanning?”

Next to him, both Bernila and Xue Zhengyong laugh at the question, and Mo Ran tries his absolute hardest to take her seriously, because she deserves that.

“I haven’t tried.”

“Why not? I thought you’re his friend.”

“Not just his friend, actually,” Xue Zhengyong says, “they live together.”

Now that a shocked gasp from Kora.

“He’s married?”

Most people around them once more laugh, just Xue Meng gives a derisive little snort again, because clearly he hates Mo Ran and doesn’t want him to succeed in life and marry his professor. Goddamnit, Xue Meng.

“No, no,” Mo Ran laughs, and reaches over to pat her head once. She doesn’t sink away from the touch at all, and he’s weirdly touched by that; he should’ve asked beforehand at any rate, in hindsight, but she doesn’t seem to mind at all. “He’s just my roommate, and we live together. We’re not… in a relationship like that.”

“…Ah. That’s sad. You could’ve adopted me, then.”

Oh. Hell, this is the second time she’s met him. Obviously this is more about Chu Wanning than himself, but Mo Ran still feels all mushy about the way she’d clearly be fine if the tall strange man she’s talking to for the first time would be in the picture. Classic kid things, he supposes.

“Kora, let up,” Bernila laughs, and receives a pout from her, “Mo Ran is very nice, but don’t ask any stranger to adopt you.”

“I wasn’t going to,” she grumbles. “But Mo Ran is Chu Wanning’s friend, so he’s probably very cool.”

Their conversation gets interrupted by another customer, namely a woman with a baby on her arm, who picks up a toy that’s definitely for younger children, holding it out to them with a small smile.

“I’d like this one please.”

“Of course!” Mo Ran beams, then moves a little bit on his chair, patting the side of it and looking at Kora. “Come here, you wanted to help, right?”

“Yes!”

She hops up and settles down next to Mo Ran, both of them probably very uncomfortable in their shared seat, but it works. She’s sitting on it with both legs at least – Mo Ran certainly isn’t.

“How much is it?” she asks, and Mo Ran points at the small price tag on the toy. The woman gives her the money, and Kora counts it twice, then squints at the price again, and looks into the money box.

“She’s getting some back, right?”

“Yes,” Mo Ran says, noticing that even Xue Meng is smiling a bit at the interaction, which is amazing, because Xue Meng giving positive reactions to him? Unprecedented as hell.
“…This much,” she declares, grabbing two coins, and holding them out to Mo Ran to make sure she’s right on this. Mo Ran affirms it for her after quickly looking it over – clearly she’s very good at maths for her age, actually. The woman takes the toy, says her goodbyes to them, and then goes to buy noodles from Xue Meng.

“I did the maths correctly!” Kora exclaims, then quickly looks down at Mo Ran’s lap, and specifically at his one leg that’s not even on the chair anymore. “Can I sit in your lap? I can see better then. I’m too small for this chair anyway.”

“Kora-“

“He’s Chu Wanning’s friend, he’s fine,” she insists, and Xue Zhengyong barks out another laugh at that.

“Ran-er’s fine. Y’know, Kora, he’s really good at making sweets, actually.”

“You are?” she asks, and once more, her eyes are all shiny. “You should totally make some for me! Can you make milk candy? I’ve only ever had storebought! Have you made milk candy for Wanning yet? He also really loves it.”

“I know,” Mo Ran smiles, and then raises her up onto his lap because hey, that’s going to be more comfortable for both of them definitely. She settles quickly.

“So, can you?”

“I’ve never tried, actually, but I can do it next weekend, and then give Chu Wanning some to take with him, okay? You can all share it.”

“…Don’t want to share.”

“Why not?” he asks, watching from the back how she curls up on herself just a little it, as if trying to defend herself, as if she was just like that little boy that Chu Wanning also used to feed milk candy to when the sun had barely even come up.

Bernila watches them from the side, as if she’s scared that this will in any way go wrong, and sure, it might – but Mo Ran also knows that if anyone understands food issues, it’s him.

“Just don’t want to.”

“That’s okay,” he says, because it’s what he would’ve wanted to hear, “then I’ll make just enough for you and Wanning.”

…Chu Wanning isn’t here right now. So just his given name is totally fine for now.

“…Huh?”

“Then I’ll make just enough for you two! But then we’ve got to have them in a place where no one can see them, so that they don’t think it’s unfair on them, okay?”

He places both his hands on her shoulders, and rubs them a little. Luckily, she’s not all too skinny, which means she must at least be eating well. That’s good. Hopefully, she didn’t have it as bad as him.

Hopefully, no one ever had it as bad as him.

“…Okay,” she mumbles. It’s all she says for a bit, seemingly a bit perplexed at Mo Ran simply agreeing – he knows that orphanages don’t really operate like that. And really, in the grand picture of things, they arguably shouldn’t. Kids need to be taught to share, and that’s important. But it’s not the time she can be taught that, not yet. Not when she’s clearly still insecure about having enough food to begin with, whatever happened to her. He’s not going to ask. It’s not his place at all.

“So, Kora,” he starts again, both in an attempt to cheer her up, but also break the silence, “what other food do you like? Sweets or no sweets?”

“…Wonton.”

It takes everything inside of him not to smile like the most fucking lovestruck fool at that.

“Wanning makes them for you?”

“…Yeah. He’s really good at them. Have you ever had them?”

“Hm. I did,” he says, and just wished he could tell her about how he had them in very similar circumstances, but he can’t. She’s still a kid, and she might go blab about it, which Mo Ran doesn’t really need her to do, not when he has his own issues right now.

“They’re really good, right?” she asks, head turning around to him, and her eyes still look a bit wet – no tears on her cheeks though, so she must’ve been trying her hardest not to cry – but there’s a wide smile on her face again. “He makes them so well! On his own! No bought things! He’s amazing!”

“He really is,” Mo Ran agrees, noticing that he seems to have been massaging her shoulders this entire time, feeling them relax now that they’ve picked up a conversation again. Maybe the babysitting wasn’t for nothing.

“He promised me a plushie. But he hasn’t brought it yet. But I can’t wait at all!”

“Don’t worry,” Mo Ran says, pushing back against his own damned worries for just a second. “He won’t forget. And, hey, let me tell you a secret – he’s already bought it.”

“Has he?” she whispers back now that Mo Ran has lowered his voice, and he nods at her once more.

“You’ll get it soon, I’m sure-“

“No.”

There’s a loud sound, suddenly, and both Mo Ran and Kora whip their heads around to Xue Meng having dropped the ladle with which he was meant to be scooping up fried noodles for a customer. His mother immediately steps in to do the job, but her eyes are also transfixed on something completely else, as well as Xue Zhengyong’s, so Mo Ran follows their gaze.

“Absolutely not,” Xue Meng hisses, and Mo Ran sees the problem on the horizon. The problem freezes, too.

“What’s wrong?” Kora asks, and Mo Ran has to hold onto everything to not lose it. Laughing-wise, that is. Look, he does feel really bad for Xue Meng for this, but at the same time, this is also just really damned funny.

“What’s he doing here?” Xue Zhengyong stutters, and looks at his wife as if she has any more ideas than he does.

“…I have no clue,” she replies, “just- Meng-er, play nice? Please?”

“…Who is that?” Kora asks, squinting at the man in the distance that all of them are looking for.

“My wife’s… friend,” Xue Zhengyong supplies at one point, very helpfully, and that’s probably the mildest version they could’ve put it, because ‘guy whom my wife was in an arranged marriage with and got impregnated by’ is probably not the age-appropriate answer to give a child.

“Ah! Then why are you all so upset? Isn’t it good he’s a friend?”

“It’s complicated,” Xue Meng answers through gritted teeth, clearly holding onto everything to not explode right now. “It’s whatever. Let him come here. I don’t care.”

Obviously he cares, but he does put on his best poker face. Which isn’t very good, because Xue Meng is horrible at poker faces.

Jiang Xi does approach, after talking more to the woman next to him. She’s clearly his co-worker, wearing the local hospital’s nurse uniform, Jiang Xi being in just a green-button up and grey slacks. No white doctor’s coat. His face is also quite stern, so he’s clearly not very stoked at seeing his biological son and the rest of his family either.

“Hello,” he says stiffly. “I didn’t know you were going to… be here.”

“Figures,” Xue Meng comments, just as stiffly, but also with a crapton of venom dripping from his voice, which Jiang Xi scowls at but eventually doesn’t comment on. Both of them are clearly still trying to play nice.

“It’s nice to see you here, Jiang Xi! What are you doing here? Break at work?” Xue Zhengyong asks, and all shock has been completely wiped from his voice; he just sounds genuinely stoked to be seeing his wife’s ex.

Which…

Really, Mo Ran commends him for it. Especially after he thought Chu Wanning had a boyfriend just yesterday, when really, it was just his abusive father that had texted him. Which Mo Ran shouldn’t be relieved at, but here he is.

He didn’t choose to develop borderline personality disorder, okay? Who can blame him after all the shit he’s gone through in his life? It’s fine, he’s got therapy and all that jazz.

“We heard there was a toy sell for charity,” his co-worker jumps in, “so we thought we’d look into it, because a lot of the toys we have in the pediatric ward are quite old, so we could buy some here-

“Not enough money for new ones, eh?”

“Meng-er!” his mother hisses at him, and he just looks at her like she is Jiang Xi herself for a second.

The nurse looks at Xue Meng very confusedly, and Jiang Xi looks at her with a little sigh, then nods at Wang Chuqing.

“This is Chuqing. We used to…” he’s very clearly struggling to form sentences about this matter, but in the end, he just gives a short, resigned sigh. “We used to be in an arranged marriage. This is her family, Xue Zhengyong, Xue Meng and Mo Ran.”

Leaving out the detail that he’s Xue Meng’s biological father, huh?

“And no, we were going to pay more. What do you have? You should choose,” he says directed towards his nurse co-worker, who gives a nod, still looking a bit confused. The arranged marriage bit seems to have explained enough to her though, so instead she comes over to Mo Ran’s table to come check out the toys, while Xue Zhengyong engages Jiang Xi in some absolutely meaningless small talk; first about the weather, and then about what surgeries he has performed today (so far, he has only removed a brain tumor, which took a while).

Xue Meng scoots a bit closer to Mo Ran and Kora, clearly trying to escape this situation the best he can. He’s very visibly uncomfortable, which Mo Ran understands. Jiang Xi isn’t a bad guy or anything; he’s not the best out there, but he’s not bad by any means. However, Xue Meng dislikes Jiang Xi, and Jiang Xi dislikes Xue Meng.

Mo Ran means it when he says that he does love Xue Meng, so he quietly puts his hand on his shoulder for a second, and feels Xue Meng relax just a little under his touch, then lets go again. This has to do for now. He can cheer him up tomorrow or something. He needs some distraction from his impending meeting with Chu Wanning’s father, anyways.
“So, what do you have?” she asks, so Mo Ran explains some of the toys to her, with some more input from Kora, who’s clearly taking her job as a saleswoman very seriously, at one point in-depth explaining one of those popping fidget toys to her in depth. At least Jiang Xi’s co-worker is very nice.

In the end, she leaves with a bunch of toys, walking back over to Jiang Xi, and then telling him about the donation box.

He gives a nod, and walks over to them in the end, putting in a good amount of money. Well, he does make good money – brain surgeon and all.

“…Mo Ran,” he says in the end, and then points at Kora in his lap. “I didn’t know you worked here. And you… I’m assuming… you’re helping out your mother?”

Well. At least he’s trying to talk to Xue Meng, too.

“Yes,” is all Xue Meng says, and Kora jumps in for Mo Ran.

“Nope, Mo Ran doesn’t work here! He’s helping out. Because Wanning has caught a cold. So he can’t be here to help out. He’s Wanning’s friend. And roommate. Not boyfriend, apparently.”

“…Not his boyfriend,” Mo Ran affirms, and tries to at least smile at Jiang Xi, “I’m just helping out here, but I don’t officially work here. My flatmate does. Not quite roommate, we have separate rooms. He’s come down with a cold, so I’m taking over, since help’s needed. Surgery went well?”

“Yes,” he responds, just as curt as his son. They do have some things in common, huh? “…We’re going to leave. Goodbye.”

His coworker seems a bit disturbed by him leaving so suddenly, but with another glance at Mo Ran’s adoptive mom, she seems to kind of get it.

“Jiang Xi,” Wang Chuqing says in the end, holding him up for a second. He turns around to her.

“Hm?”

“It was good to see you again!”

“I think the same!” Xue Zhengyong says, and his smile looks incredibly genuine about it, too. “You should come over again one of these days. Just to catch up.”

“…Maybe.”

Well, that’s not a no. Xue Meng next to Mo Ran looks like he might just go vomit all over the place at the pure thought, though, so Mo Ran puts his hand back on his shoulder just to make sure he doesn’t actually do that.

Then, Jiang Xi very quickly walks away, his coworker scrambling to catch up with him, the bag of toys in her hand.

Once they’re out of sight, Mo Ran’s entire family deflates. Luckily, there’s no other customers here right now, because that surely would be a sight to behold. Xue Zhengyong leans against the parasol, and Wang Chuqing rubs her temples for a bit, while Xue Meng lets out the loudest and longest breath Mo Ran has ever heard from him.

“Finally that bas-“

“Xue Meng,” Mo Ran say, with a short glance down at Kora, still looking all confused at the current situation.

Xue Meng awkwardly coughs once, twice, then adjusts his language.

“Finally that guy is gone,” he says instead, but Kora just stares up at him vaguely.

“You can say ‘bastard’ around me.”

Now that makes several heads turn, first and foremost poor Bernila, who’s clearly failed this kid in some way.

“Kora!” she says, “no! Mo Ran was right to berate him, how do you know such a word?”

“Uh? I don’t remember, but I know it, so I don’t mind.”

“No. It’s a bad word, you shouldn’t say it,” Mo Ran says, bumping his legs up and down a bit to shake her. “You can say it very reasonably when you hurt yourself or something, you know, that’s what curses are for. But don’t use it for other people like Mengmeng here does. Jiang Xi isn’t even a bad person. There’s just some family drama involving him.”

“I see,” she says, clearly very unimpressed with being scolded for knowing the word ‘bastard’, as if she knows much worse words, and you know what? Mo Ran probably wouldn’t put it past her.

“Well, Jiang Xi at least looked healthier than last time,” Wang Chuqing says, as if to finally try and lighten the mood a bit more, “I’ll quickly head to the bathroom, darling, can you take over for a second in case there’s a customer?”

She emphasizes that with a kiss to Xue Zhengyong’s cheek, and Mo Ran and Xue Meng both awkwardly look away. Xue Meng because he gets embarrassed by public displays of affection. Mo Ran because he gets jealous of them, and would die to act like this with Chu Wanning.

“Sure,” he says, so she quickly walks towards the orphanage.

For about an hour, all of them just work diligently in between customers, sometimes more, sometimes less. Kora tries her best to do the maths, and most of the time, she’s right. Mo Ran feels like a proud father. Maybe that’s a weird thing to feel about a kid he’s basically only just met.

If he wasn’t a student, he might actually adopt her is all he knows. Not that it’d be his place to do that. He knows that Chu Wanning is the one she actually sees as a father – which is a good thing. Because Mo Ran never saw him as such, even when he was still raising him. Instead, he was off the bat in love with him, and later, that turned into wanting to fuck him, and now here he is, going to charity events for him instead because no way in hell would his professor want to be fucked by him.

Not that Mo Ran could right now, anyways, because Chu Wanning is sick and in bed. Well, the other day, he did see a post on social media talking about how hole is meant to be so much better when they’ve got a fever, and Mo Ran has been thinking to himself that this is a hypothesis he’d like to test out – but that’s irresponsible, and fucking a sick person is only hot in theory, not in practice.

Unless it’s Chu Wanning, probably. He could make anything hot.

“Alright,” he says eventually when there’s less customers again, Bernila taking care of the next. He needs to distract himself before he can get lost in daydreams about fucking a feverish Chu Wanning until he cures him with his magic dick or something – yeah. Right. Because that’s totally how this works.

“Kora, hand me one of your necklaces.”

“…Huh? Why would I do that?” she asks, turning around and scrunching up her nose in something akin to disgust.

Mo Ran raises his hand to ruffle her hair again, realizing that he is actively screwing it up by doing that. Ah.

“No, not like that,” he says, “I want to untie it and then retie it so you can adjust the length, ‘cause they’re quite long. I’m not going take it from you, don’t worry.”

“Oh!”

Immediately, her face brightens up again, and she grabs one of them to hand it to him.

“First, I should probably fix your hair though. Kinda destroyed it. Is that okay with you?” he asks, and ruffles it even more, which gets him a delighted little screech.

“Hm, that’s fine,” she says in the end, so Mo Ran places the necklace down on the table, and then instead grabs the hair ties from both her pigtails, slowly extracting them to make sure he doesn’t hurt her. He makes pretty swift and accurate work of tying her hair back up, and he’s kind of proud of himself for that, but on the other hand, she’s not the first child he’s babysat.

“Alright,” he laughs, “it’s all good again.”

“…Let me see,” she demands. “I don’t trust you.”

“But you just said you trusted me!” Mo Ran says in the most offended-sounding tone of voice he could possibly manage. “Kora, you hurt me!”

“Just show me.”

“Okay, okay.”

Mo Ran very swiftly grabs his phone and opens the front camera after mentally checking that his last taken picture is not a nude, which it isn’t, because the last picture he’s taken was of Plum staring at the kitchen sponge like it’s her mortal enemy, actually.

Kora quickly checks herself out and nods approvingly, then reaches out her finger to tap on the white button at the bottom of the screen, which snaps a quick picture of the two of them, and Mo Ran-

Oh, he melts. He fucking melts, because he’s weak to anyone who’s nice to him, and now he’d officially die for this kid.

“Wanted to have a memory, eh?” he asks, this time brushing through her hair in a way that isn’t going to make it all messy again.

“Make me my necklace?”

“Sure, sure, on it,” he says, reaching past her to grab the necklace again. Luckily, he manages to open the knot, and then he gets to work. Him and Xue Meng had a phase of making loads of necklaces with these bad necklace-making kits that they sell for children, and they’d passed out a crapton to people they’d wanted to be friends with.

Clearly, Xue Meng appears to be reminded of that, because he ends up smiling a little, and bumping into Mo Ran’s shoulder.

“Still good at the complicated knots, huh?”

“Of course, I was the one who’d always had to do them for you.”

“You…!”

This time, Xue Meng stops himself in time, before he can teach Kora any new curses.

“Anyway, Mengmeng, the twins still got theirs, don’t they?” he laughs, and Xue Meng immediately flushes at that, which gives him a little look from both his parents – they clearly know. Of course they know. Xue Meng isn’t exactly slick about the fact that he’s in love with the Mei twins or whatever. No matter how much he tries to hide it.

“Yes. Shut up.”

“Any progress on that front?” he asks, tying up one of the knots and then going for the other one.

“I told you to shut it, Mo Ran.”

He says that one with a sideglance at his parents, who are making very unnecessary smalltalk, meaning that they’re just trying very hard to give their son some space. It takes everything out of Mo Ran to not laugh at the situation.

“Alright. I’ll text one of them later and hear about it from them if you won’t tell me.”

“No. Don’t do that. They’ll distort the facts.”

“Uh-huh. Then tell me later. Or tomorrow. We should meet up tomorrow so you can tell me.”

“Does your brother have a boyfriend? Or two?”

Now Mo Ran just so genuinely can’t hold back from laughing anymore, though, not when Kora asks that so casually.

“…No,” Xue Meng grumbles, but his face is still very red. Mo Ran will squeeze it out of him at one point, he swears.

It’s then that he finishes the knot, and puts the necklace around Kora’s neck again, then adjusts it length-wise until it’s shortly below her collarbones, and she grasps at it a little.

“Oh, that’s amazing! That was so fast! So, if I grow, I can just adjust it? Again?”

“Yep! If anything goes wrong, you just hand it to Chu Wanning, and he can give it back to me. Or fix it himself, ‘cause even if he doesn’t know, he’ll easily manage to look it up.”

If Chu Wanning is good at anything, after all, then it’s working with his hands. It makes Mo Ran wonder just what else he could possibly be good at with his hands-

Okay, alright, fucking fine, he needs to get a grip on himself. If this continues, at one point he’ll just bend Chu Wanning over and have his way with him or something, even though he so sincerely shouldn’t ever do that for so many reasons. But it’s not his fault he looks so fuckable, okay?

“I see! Thanks, Mo Ran!”

“Want a piece of my family’s tofu cake, by the way?” he asks her, “I’ll pay. ‘Cause I should definitely get one. Mengmeng, you also want one?”

“I don’t need your money,” Xue Meng comments, and Mo Ran gives him his best shit-eating grin.

“I know! After all, you’ve already got two sugar da-“

“Mo Ran!” he screeches, physically plastering his hand over his mouth, with another awkward look back towards his parents. This time, they’re straight up just looking at him.
“Meng-er,” Xue Zhengyong starts, “I promise we are both completely fine with you having one or more boyfriends. We don’t care. Sincerely.”

“They’re not my-“

“Tofu cake or no?” Mo Ran asks, because he’s not going to pull up his phone to google the definition of ‘romantic partner’ for Xue Meng; he’s more than old enough to do that.

“…Fu- fine, I mean. Fine.”

So, Mo Ran grabs some coins and tosses them over to the very woman who taught him cooking and baking, who then hands them their pieces of cake.

Kora happily bites into it first, and clearly seems to be enjoying it. Which is good. Whatever happened to her that caused her to be jealous of other people having food, at least she enjoys eating, and that’s everything that really and truly counts.

Suddenly, though, she puts the cake onto the table in front of her, and then points at something. Mo Ran follows the direction of her finger with his eyes, and puts down his own cake.

He’s not sure whether to be happy or angry or both at once, because Mo Ran will always be happy to see him, but also he still has a fever and definitely shouldn’t be out and about, so he’s very reasonably angry, too.

“Wanning!” Kora screams, jumping off Mo Ran’s lap, crawling to below the table, and then running towards him once she has resurfaced.

Mo Ran, too, stands up, because he can already see him swaying, and he’s not going to his professor pass out on him right here and now.

So, in the hopes that he’ll reach him before Kora can tackle him to the ground, Mo Ran, too, climbs below the table.

Something tells him his attempt is hopeless, but least he can do is try, right?

Chapter Text

Chu Wanning has been watching them for quite a while, from the distance, without them noticing him. Which makes sense, because there’s more people on the streets than just him, and they’re clearly busy.

He doesn’t know what exactly it is that he feels when he sees Mo Ran do Kora’s hair, or when he sees him seemingly joking around with her, fiddling with what he thinks might be a necklace or whatever. Whether the feeling is positive or negative, he can’t tell, but one thing he knows – he wants this.

Chu Wanning wants this more than anything, and he’s both happy about being able to see it, and sad because this isn’t exactly what he wants. But he wants it, and it feels like something inside of him is being physically pulled towards it. He’s never experienced it like that, not even whatever his stupid attraction to Mo Ran is.

It’s not like it matters, though. Whether he wants this, or not – it’s nothing he deserves, and even if he did, it still remains something forever out of reach. He can have neither of these things. Because Mo Ran doesn’t love him back, and at one point, Kora will become disillusioned with him, or he’ll break some stupid promise he’s made, and she’s going to hate him just like that boy must hate him.

It just looks so gentle, so perfect, and even if Chu Wanning knows that he seems calm and collected on the outside, he breaks. This breaks him, because it’s so close yet so stupidly out of reach, and it’s only because it’s him. if it was anyone else, they might just ask the person they’re in love with out, and have a child with them, adopted or not.
He closes his hand around the tote bag he’s carrying, that he stole from Mo Ran – it was hanging in the kitchen, and the only bags Chu Wanning has are relatively big, so this was easier. But even holding onto it doesn’t make it much better. He feels himself sway just a bit, then takes a deep breath, and watches as Kora climbs below the table, because of course she would.

…What he doesn’t expect is Mo Ran following her by doing the same thing, and sprinting after her like a swarm of bees is following him.

“Wanning!” she shouts, and before Mo Ran can reach her, she’s already tackling him.

Chu Wanning catches her the best he can, which isn’t very well, because he still is a little weak, but it’s good enough. She plants her face in his stomach, and he awkwardly pats her head. She nuzzles into him a little, arms around his thighs.

“I missed you, Wanning. Are you okay? Mo Ran said you still had a fever and stuff?”

“Not anymore,” he says, “it’s gone down now. I’ve taken medication. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Let go.”

She does, but looks up at him still smiling and just… so happy to see him.

It really does remind him of that kid, because he used to be exactly like that.

It’s then that Mo ran also arrives, and looks at Kora a little bit displeased.

“He’s sick, be careful.”

“I know,” she grumbles, “don’t worry! I won’t catch his cold, because I just had it! You might, though.”

“Nah, don’t worry about me,” Mo Ran responds, and swiftly scoops her into his own arms instead. She squeaks, but lets him do it without complaints, until she’s properly secured and unable to slip away, and thus taller than Chu Wanning. “Idiots don’t catch colds, and I’m a certified idiot. Chu Wanning can affirm, because he’s still my teacher.”

“You live with your teacher,” Kora states, looking at both of them. She’s not really judging, Chu Wanning can tell, but she’s definitely questioning why anyone would live with their teacher. “Is he your dad?”

“…No,” Mo Ran coughs awkwardly before Chu Wanning can even respond to that question, “if anything, I’m his dad, considering how bad he is at chores.”

“Haha, right, he sucks!”

“He’s so bad at washing vegetables.”

“He’s also really bad at dishes!”

Very awkwardly, Chu Wanning rasps his throat.

“I’m here. I can hear you.”

“Haha, sorry,” Mo Ran says, propping Kora up again. “You need any help getting to the table? You still look a bit weak.”

“I’m fine. My fever is down.”

“You really shouldn’t be running around outside, anyways.”

“I need to just- get out and do something, though,” Chu Wanning says, and takes a few steps towards the table, Xue Zhengyong already waving at him from where he’s standing next to his wife.

Because he got a partner and children and leads the life Chu Wanning so, so desperately wants but can’t have.

“Wait! Wanning, wait, wait,” Kora says, “I’ve got something for you. I bought you a present!”

Huh? Right. He did come here to bring something to her, too. Mainly. Because Mo Ran mentioned that he hadn’t yet taken the raccoon plushie to her, and he’s right – he’s already broken his promise to that little boy, he doesn’t need to break his promise to this little girl, too.

“I also brought something for you,” he says, but Kora very vehemently shakes her head.

“Me first. You always make me wonton when I want them, so I should be nice and give you something, too.”

For a second, something flits across Mo Ran’s face, at the mention of wonton, but he doesn’t say anything.

…Is he still stuck up about Chu Wanning making them for him or what? What is this, a child? And yet… Mo Ran isn’t a child at all. He saw that monster in his grey sweatpants the other day. He’s bumped headfirst into his muscles, and seen them often enough by now. Mo Ran is anything but a child, and he’s twenty years old. Of course that’s still way too young for Chu Wanning, and he really shouldn’t be in love with him, but at least he’s an adult.

“Okay,” he says eventually, and Kora immediately picks one of the necklaces from around her neck.

This does, in fact, explain why there’s three of them, and only one actually fits her, because Mo Ran must have adjusted it for her.

She takes it off, and holds it out to him.

“Here,” she says, “I found they look very cute, and sometimes you complain about being cold, so I figured, since it’s red, it might warm you up!”

If she says it like this, then what can Chu Wanning do but accept it, even if this is not how it works? He’s not sure what he looks like receiving it, and frankly, he’s always been insecure about it. He’s always been told that he looks expressionless when receiving gifts, and he doesn’t know how to handle that to begin with. Why would anyone give him gifts to begin with?

He’s not worthy of them.

Yet, there’s a little girl who so genuinely wants to give something to him, and rejecting it would be worse than accepting it at any rate.

So, he reaches out his hand to take it from her, and then puts it around his own neck.

“Thank you,” he makes, coughing a little with what could be embarrassment or the cold or both, “I appreciate it.”

“Good! I picked it very carefully!”

She looks so proud of herself when Chu Wanning quietly slides the small red pendant into his shirt, so she must understand how much this means to him, even if he can’t show it on his face. Something tells him that she knows.

“What are you going to do with the third?” Mo Ran asks suddenly, which is when Chu Wanning actively registers there’s one too many. “I can adjust the length for that, too, if you want me to.”

“Nuh-uh!” Kora makes, then takes it off, and swiftly puts it around Mo Ran’s neck herself, which leaves him stunned. He practically freezes to the ground, gaze going in between the pendant dangling down his neck, Kora, and Chu Wanning; then back to himself, back to Chu Wanning, back to himself, back to Kora.

“Huh?”

“You can have it. I only need one. You’re Wanning’s friend, so you should have it.”

Chu Wanning himself also can’t do more than blink.

Him and Mo Ran are wearing one and the same piece of jewelry right now. It feels just like- just like…

It feels like some weird engagement thing that children would do. Wearing something matching that isn’t a ring, because they can’t afford that yet. Against his will, his fingers grasp at the pendant below his shirt, tracing its outline through it, looking at Mo Ran’s, and clasping it just a little harder.

“Thanks,” Mo Ran stutters, “but, are you sure- Chu Wanning?”

They’re wearing something matching, and it’s absolutely ridiculous as a whole, and it should be, because Chu Wanning is a grown man, but regardless, it makes his cheeks grow all hot, makes his mind go all fuzzy, his throat all dry.

He knows that this only means so much to him – that Mo Ran has not a single idea of what’s going through his head right now – but he doesn’t care. Maybe he’s way too desperate, but even something as stupid as having one matching piece of cheap jewelry with Mo Ran is enough to make him feel something like genuine joy.

Kora was right. Partly, at least – it’s not the colour making him warm, but everything surrounding it.

“Chu Wanning, are you okay, your face is all-“

“I’m fine!” he snaps at Mo Ran, then lowers the bag to grab the stuffie he’s bought for her. It was a promise, and he’s already broken one, so he’s not going to break another one, and in truth, he was only feeling bad about gifting Kora something because he never managed to gift him that husky plushie.

Projecting it onto Kora is unfair, though, so he won’t be doing that. She’s her own person. He has another chance. Even if she will probably grow up to hate him one day, too, it’ll still mean that he’s at least tried his best, that she will have some good memories of her childhood, even if she grows up without her actual parents. Even if he can’t adopt her, because later, she would regret that, even if she sometimes hints at wanting it.

Also because Chu Wanning would be way too scared of being a father, because what if he ends up as horrible as his own? He wouldn’t trust himself. Besides, he’s single, so he couldn’t-

Gifting her the stuffie is the least he can do.

He grabs it from the bag, and holds it out to her.

“Here. I promised you. I like to keep my promises.”

Whatever doubts he had about her not liking it before vanish into thin air immediately. Her entire face lights up in the way it usually only does at good food. She reaches for the small raccoon, takes it from him, then immediately hugs it to her chest, Mo Ran making sure she doesn’t fall out of his arms when she kicks her feet a little.

“It’s so cute!” she squeaks, looking at its beady eyes, and then again hugging it close. “Thank you, Wanning! It’s great!”

“Congrats,” Mo Ran laughs, “you’ve successfully made her obsessed with raccoons forever.”

“I will be!” Kora agrees almost immediately. She puts the raccoon against Mo Ran’s chest, and then places her own head against it, using it as a pillow.

Once more, all Chu Wanning is the need to do this himself, even without a plushie. If Mo Ran would let him lie on his chest even just for two minutes, he might just be fixed. Ah, yes – he should just go ahead and ask, right? He, as a professor, asking his student to sleep on his chest. God, he hates himself so much.

“I’m… glad you like it,” he says eventually, accompanied by another cough, despite the way he feels just a little empty on the inside right now. Kora so easily just gets what he wants. He’s not jealous of her, that’s not it. He just also wants this. More than anything. He wants all of this, he wants Mo Ran and also Kora, but he can’t have either, because he’d be a horrible partner and father, so it’s time to get over it.

“You should sit down,” Mo Ran says, “you still look very visibly sick. Come on, let’s walk over there, you can have my seat. I’ll also buy you one of the tofu cake pieces. Have you had lunch yet?”

“…No.”

“See? Tofu cake for lunch, then. I’ll carry Kora. Unless you wanna walk?”

“Do I look like I want to walk?”

“Nope,” Mo Ran laughs, propping her up once more, and Chu Wanning realizes that she’s grown… so much in that year that she’s been at this orphanage. She’s gotten so much taller, and definitely sassier. In fact, he’s happy she’s sassy to begin with, and not that angry and sad anymore. She’s easier to handle than him; she’s easier to calm down, she’s not as scared that everyone is going to leave her. Chu Wanning has never forgotten the way this boy’s hand grasped at him, begging him to stay, over and over again, to pay attention to him.

His hand tightens around the tote bag’s strap.

Is he even still alive?

Did he ever get better?

Would he have been obsessed with huskies if he had been able to give him that plushies? Or did he already hate him by that point?

“…Hey,” Mo Ran suddenly makes, turning around to Chu Wanning after he’d just started walking. “Are you okay? Are you sure you don’t need my help to get you there-“

“No,” Chu Wanning says, giving the most clipped answer he possibly can before anyone so much as dares to realize that he has emotions, because he just… he doesn’t like people knowing. Obviously they know, but there’s something so embarrassing about showing them, and about being seen, and Chu Wanning has never enjoyed being seen. “I’m fine.”

He takes off so that Mo Ran (and Kora, still in his arms) have to follow him and can’t see his expression.

No matter how often he calls that orphanage, he can’t get any damned information out of them. If it wasn’t borderline stalker-behaviour, he might just hire a private detective or something, but that, he undoubtedly cannot do. It’s okay.

He’ll just have to live with the knowledge that he’s likely never going to see him again.

Not unless-

Chu Wanning turns around to Mo Ran for a split second, to just look at him, but it’s a name. It’s a single name. Hell, he’s taught so many people with that given name already, and didn’t overthink it like that. Fine, Mo Ran is from the foster care system – but Chu Wanning knows next to nothing about his backstory, or where he even used to live as a child, and it’s not his place to ask. If Mo Ran was actually his coworker, he might be able to sneak it into the conversation in some way, but not like this. He can’t ask his student what orphanage he’s from.

Mo Ran isn’t that kid, because that kid would remember him, and he’d never agree to live with him like that. He wouldn’t take on his shift at the orphanage for him.

He doesn’t even look like him, apart from his dimples. So many people have dimples. Chu Wanning knows for a fact this doesn’t mean anything. He’s ought to get a grip already. It’s been years.

All he can do is that the boy forgives him if he’s still alive.

“Hm? Everything alright? We’re following, don’t worry.”

Only managing a curt nod, Chu Wanning turns back around and walks until he’s behind the tables with Xue Zhengyong, his wife, and his coworker.

“Are you sure you’re okay to be here?” Bernila asks, already clearing her seat for him, but Chu Wanning shakes his head.

“Sit back down. I can stand. I’ve been lying in bed for days now, I need to move if I want to get better at any point.”

“Absolutely not. Sit down, but on my chair,” Mo Ran instructs him, and for some stupid reason, Chu Wanning complies. Something about that just…
It didn’t sound like a suggestion, but a command, and Chu Wanning absolutely hates the way he feels a tingle shoot down his spine at that. What would it be like if Mo Ran ordered him around like that in… another context? What if he commanded him to sit down on him instead-

No.

He’s ought to stop thinking about this, especially because he didn’t put in any of the pantyliners.

Both Mo Ran and Bernila are just kind of blinking at him, though, apparently also taken aback at the way he just sat down without complaining.

Chu Wanning decides not to think about that any further.

“Uhm, so…” Mo Ran starts, “you’d have to move back a little though, so I can handle the counter… ‘cause at least, you shouldn’t work.”

Awkwardly, Chu Wanning stares at the fact that he is, in fact, sitting in front of the counter, and that’s completely his mistake, because he sat down immediately once Mo Ran told him to, without thinking about it any further. Which is horrifying.

“Right,” he scoffs, and moves himself back, together with the chair.

“Can I sit in your lap instead, or do I have to stand?” Kora asks, “since Mo Ran’ll probably have to work, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll have to work,” Mo Ran says, “if not, I’ll find you some other chair though, don’t worry!”

“It’s okay,” Chu Wanning says, and Kora jumps out of Mo Ran’s arms to climb into his lap immediately after. She’s not all too heavy yet, so it’s fine, really. Besides, she at least won’t catch that same cold from him again.

“Wanning,” she mumbles suddenly, and it’s strangely bashful for her, so he looks down at her, actually meeting her eyes. Kora doesn’t usually mind it when he doesn’t meet her eyes, though. She knows he means nothing by it.

“Yes?”

“Do you like the present?”

Ah, that’s why. Chu Wanning puts his hands onto her shoulders and rubs them for a bit, then retracts them again before it gets too much or something. He never knows how much he’s allowed to touch other people, because other people don’t usually want to be touched by him.

“I do,” he answers truthfully, “it’s very pretty.”

Even without the added factor of Mo Ran having the same necklace as him now, he appreciates it. Usually, he isn’t one for jewelry or accessories, just because he likes to keep things simple and uncomplicated, because that’s how he was raised. Whether he truly likes that or not is another question entirely.

But this small pendant, that’s fine. It’s not his colour either, but it’s pretty, and it’s a gift that comes from the heart, so that’s okay.

“I’m glad! Say… can I say something? Even if it’s maybe a little weird?”

“Chu Wanning doesn’t mind weird things being said to him, otherwise, he’d have long kicked me out, Kora,” Mo Ran laughs, and Chu Wanning has to give him that – he’s right. If he really minded all the weird stuff Mo Ran says on a daily basis, he’d long have kicked him out, or moved out himself, since it’s not his flat to begin with.

“Alright,” she says, nodding to herself a little, then looking up at Chu Wanning.

“I want you to adopt me.”

Every single head flies around to her, even Xue Meng’s, who is currently busy handing out noodles to someone. He nearly drops them. Chu Wanning doesn’t blame him, because he probably would drop the noodles.

“Kora,” Bernila starts, “that’s…”

“I said it might be weird! I don’t care. It’s true! If you don’t want to, that’s…”

Chu Wanning has no idea where to start and end, and all she does is clutch the plushie a bit closer to her chest. For a few seconds, he actually just gets unreasonably angry, and he hopes that he’s keeping his face ass neutral as somewhat possible. Of course he wants to. Why would anyone even assume that he doesn’t want to? It’s just that he can’t, for so many reasons, and what he’s angry with isn’t her, but himself, and he quickly realizes that, too.

He’s not fit to have a child in any way.

“I can’t,” he croaks out, which is at least better than ‘I don’t want to’; but that’d be a lie anyways. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” comes the innocent question.

“Because- I don’t have a partner. It’s hard… to adopt anyone on your own. Not impossible, I suppose, but…”

“You could just marry Mo Ran?”

It’s then that Chu Wanning absolutely blanks, and so does Mo Ran next to him, because they both just stare at each other for a bit, and then back at Kora.

“What?” Chu Wanning stutters, “no, that’s not- that’s not how this works. Besides, he’s my student.”

Somehow, Xue Zhengyong laughs. Chu Wanning might have to kill him later – he hasn’t ever killed a man, but he’s very sure he can manage. It doesn’t seem particularly hard.

“Maybe she has a point,” he even says, and Chu Wanning glares absolute daggers at him, while his wife pinches him in the side, and Xue Meng just gives a very, very tired stare at Mo Ran for some reason.

The fact Xue Zhengyong said this to begin with sends a cold shiver down Chu Wanning’s spine in general – does he know? There’s no way he knows, right? Chu Wanning knows for a fact that he hasn’t let anything on about what he feels for Mo Ran and-

Oh. He hadn’t realized how bad it would be even if they did start dating (which obviously they won’t, but-) – Xue Zhengyong is his best friend. He’d be dating his best friend’s son.
“No, no,” he repeats, trying the hardest to mend this situation the best way he possibly can. “I can’t marry him. You can’t just marry someone just so you can adopt someone. That’s not how that works, Kora.”

“Why not?”

Only now does Mo Ran give any reaction to all of this, and he does so with his regular beaming smile that Chu Wanning fell in love with in first place.

“Marriage is a huge commitment,” he says, stepping around to Chu Wanning, giving him a little glance as if he knows that Chu Wanning is completely out of answers at this point. “You would only marry someone that you really and sincerely love. And to adopt a child together, both people have to be very sure of wanting that, and be prepared for it. Also, there’s a whole long process for adopting a child. It might be quite hard for Chu Wanning to do so. Even if he wants to.”

The last bit, he directs at him instead of Kora, looking at him as though he knows.

Chu Wanning himself also knows. He can’t. No matter what he wants, he can’t do it.

“And if I’m just… really quiet and stuff? Don’t cause trouble.”

“No,” Chu Wanning says this time, flicking some hair out of Kora’s face, hoping that any kind of god exists up there that she won’t start crying. “You causing trouble isn’t the issue. This is just something I can’t do. I’m sorry.”

She doesn’t look at him, just tightens her fists into her skirt. But there’s no tears.

That’s good.

“Look, Kora,” Mo Ran starts again. He crouches down in front of both her and Chu Wanning by extension. Then, he slowly takes her hands and squeezes them, and Chu Wanning really wished he was as good as Mo Ran at comforting children. “This isn’t a decision that can be made on the spot, and he’s not- going to marry me. Maybe someone else, but not me. Maybe, if you ask him again one day, it’ll look different, okay?”

She doesn’t answer.

Not a good sign.

Then, there is tears.

An even worse sign.

Mo Ran himself looks stunned for a bit, and Chu Wanning and him reach to stroke away her tears at the same time, their fingers awkwardly colliding, causing Mo Ran to laugh. He draws his hand back, and Chu Wanning does it, because it’s the least he can do.

“I’m sorry,” is all he knows how to say. I’m sorry that I’m so inadequate and would make a horrible parent. I’m sorry that I’m so unloveable that no one would consider dating me so that I could stand any chance. I’m sorry that I’m such a horrible person that constantly rejects the people who do try to love me.

“No, it’s okay, I just thought, since you two already live together, you might…”

“Wait a second,” Xue Meng chimes in suddenly, a weird expression on his face. “Kora, what are you crying about?”

Chu Wanning is about to hiss at him and how he could misread the room so badly, but Kora just turns towards him, bumping Chu Wanning’s hand out of her face to wipe her own tears, clearly not at all offended.

“I thought they were dating,” she says, and Chu Wanning cannot believe his ears.

“Huh?” Mo Ran and him ask in unison, and Xue Zhengyong seemingly just loses it. Even his wife snorts a bit.

“…They’re not,” Xue Meng says, with a very distinct glare at Mo Ran again, for some reason. “It’s better that way. No one should want to date Mo Ran, ever.”

“Hey!” Mo Ran shouts, kicking Xue Meng’s leg – gently, Chu Wanning notes. Xue Meng gives him a mocking smile.

“But am I wrong? Who knows what horrible daydreams you have about your crushes, you dog.”

“You…!”

“Wait a second, Kora. You’re not crying about the adoption thing?” Chu Wanning stutters.

“Huh? No,” she answers, looking up at Chu Wanning and giving him a smile, as if she is the one that has to comfort him. As if she isn’t still crying. “Mo Ran has a point. I can ask again later, if now doesn’t work. I’m just sad. I was really happy for you. For having a boyfriend.”

Wang Chuqing elbows her husband when his laughter grows louder, although she’s also obviously amused. Then, she turns towards a new customer.

“I don’t… yeah, no. I don’t have one. But I can’t adopt you.”

“You can’t means you want to? But it’s hard without a boyfriend?”

Why is she so casually assuming he’s gay anyways? Frankly, Chu Wanning has never given much thought to his sexuality to begin with, mostly because he hasn’t ever had a crush – but he’s not stupid. He knows that whatever he’s feeling for Mo Ran is one. Maybe it’s past that, at this point. Maybe he’s growing to love him. it’s a terrifying thought, because Mo Ran doesn’t love him that way, but also strangely comforting. It makes him feel a tiny bit more human than he normally feels.

“Yeah, it’s hard on your own,” Mo Ran repeats, luckily taking the chance to answer from Chu Wanning.

“Hm. I see. I think you should be his boyfriend. You already live together,” she says again, and Chu Wanning swears he’s going to have to talk to her about this at one point.

“Kora, no. We just live together,” he says, “no need to cry about that.”

“I wanted to go to your wedding. I’ve never been to one.”

“Kora,” Chu Wanning hisses by now, and she strokes away the last of her tears, then sighs a bit.

“Fine. I’m not going to your wedding then. Not even if you do marry.”

With that, clearly suddenly in a little temper tantrum, she jumps off his lap, and glares at him as if Chu Wanning has personally wronged her in some way. Which he hasn’t – not yet, anyways. He might, one day, given his track record with the children he’s cared about throughout the years.

Hell, even Shi Mei and Hua Binan he managed to somehow fool into thinking they have feelings for him – just how horrible of a caretaker must he be? He’s really ought to resign from his position at this point.

“Don’t worry, Kora, you’ll certainly go to a wedding one day,” Xue Zhengyong says over his shoulder, the customer in front of them laughing a bit at the conversation.

“I hope so,” she grumbles, and Chu Wanning just feels so stupidly relieved that she’s stopped crying at least. “I’m… gonna find the others.”

Automatically, Chu Wanning and Bernila look at each other, then back down at her.

“Hm?”

“…To play. I’m bored. I’ll be nice. I promise. I won’t hurt anyone. I’ll promise them, too, so maybe they’ll let me.”

“Hm. That’s a great idea,” Chu Wanning says before anyone can say anything else. He knows Bernila has a tendency to coddle every single kid, and to not believe them sometimes, which makes sense – kids lie all the time, about the weirdest things. But he feels like she’s being serious. Which is good, because while she’s not as violent as he was, she does sometimes act out, and punches people. There haven’t been any serious injuries, nothing more than a bruise here and there, but it’s made the other kids scared of her, even once she’s improved a lot – then, she started getting scared of asking them whether she could play with them to begin with. So this is good. He’s not going to let anyone say anything else.

“Okay! They’re behind the house, right?”

“I think so,” Bernila supplies, still looking a little concerned, but also like Chu Wanning’s clear feedback has reassured her a bit. “Be careful, okay?”

She nods, then all of a sudden tugs at Chu Wanning’s pants.

“Wanning?”

“Yes?”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to adopt me now, but please do one day? I don’t mind if Mo Ran’s my other dad. He’s pretty cool. And tell me when you leave.”

With that, she takes off, not letting any of them given an answer to all the things she’s just said. Just leaving them like that.

“Well,” Bernila says, “that was an adventure.”

Next to him, Mo Ran suddenly curls up on himself a little, and just as Chu Wanning is about to full on assume that it’s because he really doesn’t want to be associated with him like that, which he’d understand, he lets out a little screech.

“She’s so cute, I’ll die. What a kid.“

”She’d be a lot cuter if she hadn’t implied she wants you to marry your teacher and adopt her,” Xue Meng comments, receiving what Chu Wanning heard the kids call a ‘side-eye’ from both of his parents.

“Ugh, shut up, Mengmeng, you’re just jealous that no one wants to get adopted by you.”

“I’ve just finished high school, you idiot! Of course I’m not going to adopt a whole child, no matter whether anyone wants to or not!” Xue Meng fires back, while Chu Wanning is just glad that the noodle-customer is done by now, and no one else is here – they’re closing in an hour anyways, and it’s evening. Not many more people are going to come at this rate.

“No, no, I know you’re jealous. What, you wanna marry Chu Wa-“

“Keep me out of this, Mo Ran!” Chu Wanning interferes, but he’s blatantly ignored by Xue Meng, who speaks over him.

“No, I don’t!”

“Ah, ah, I see, you’d rather marry your twins, huh?”

Chu Wanning has heard from Xue Zhengyong at one point that apparently there’s twins that both seem to have a crush on Xue Meng, so at least he has some context here.

“No, what the fuck? Not everyone wants to sleep with as many people as you do!”

“Oh, you’re just so jealous that you’re still a virgin, Mengmeng-“

“I’m not!”

This time, everyone’s heads shoot up towards him, and a moment later, Xue Meng seems to realize what he’s said, and Chu Wanning also realizes what he’s said, and feels himself grow hot.

The thing is, he was already slightly peeved at the fact that Mo Ran brought virginity into this like it’s a bad thing to be a virgin, especially at eighteen. Xue Meng is only eighteen – Chu Wanning might not know a lot about sex itself, but he’s not blind to society. He knows eighteen is a perfectly normal age to still be a virgin.

…The issue is when you’re thirty-two and still a virgin, like him. It’s not like it bothered him until recently; of course he knows the stereotypes about old virgins, but no one can just look at him and know he hasn’t ever had sex. Besides, he was never particularly interested in the topics of sex and romance to start with. Not until recently, that is, when both daydreams and normal dreams started bugging him on a near hourly basis. Dreams about Mo Ran’s broad hands gliding into his pants and cupping him whole because his hands are definitely big enough. He wonders what it’d feel like if Mo Ran put even just one finger inside – Chu Wanning has never done that. He’s never dared to, even the few times he did end up touching himself as a teenager. It seemed way too… wrong. Not just because of his dysphoria, but also because surely that would just be horribly dirty.

Yet, it’s the prospect of him making Mo Ran’s fingers all sticky that gets him into those damned daydreams these days.

He’s simply going to pretend that his underwear isn’t starting to feel mildly uncomfortable right now. He’s simply going to pretend that he’s not into his student in that way.

It’s just bad Mo Ran brought this up as a bad thing – if he already thinks less of Xue Meng for being a virgin, then what would he think of him? When he’s a professor, thirty-two years old, and has never been touched?

Has never been loved?

Surely, he’d ridicule him, make fun of him relentlessly, and if he drove him up against the wall enough, Chu Wanning might end up snapping and telling him to take care of it if it bugs him that much, and maybe Mo Ran would-

No.

He wouldn’t, because of course he wouldn’t.

Chu Wanning breathes out a little sigh, right as Xue Zhengyong looks at Xue Meng.

“Oh, are congratulations in order?”

“Dad!” Xue Meng screeches, then stands up and attacks Mo Ran full on. Mo Ran fends him off, but only lazily so; clearly, he’s more interested in talking than fighting his little brother.

“What the fuck do you mean, Mengmeng? I didn’t know!”

“I don’t want to talk about it!”

Mo Ran dodges his fist, a grin on his face that Chu Wanning is sure would make him weak in the knees if he wasn’t sitting down already. Next to him, Bernila is obviously trying not to laugh.

“When did that happen? Who with? The younger one? The older one? Both at the same time?”

“Mo Ran!” Xue Meng screams again, and Mo Ran captures both of his hands when they reach out to probably strangle him or something, shaking them in the air a little as if to show Xue Meng that he’s the stronger one.

He’s also heaps taller than Xue Meng, so it’s only natural Mo Ran would overpower him.

Xue Meng is practically as tall as Chu Wanning.

Which means that their height difference is the same as if it was him being held like this by Mo Ran.

His cheeks start feeling even hotter at the thought – thirty-two years without ever being sexually attracted to anyone, and suddenly he wants to get wrecked by his student? He’s truly the worst of the worst. He’s sure no one has ever been a worse professor than him. He really should resign and work full-time at the orphanage. Or search for another job that has to do with mechanics in some way, just so he can still engage with his special interest, since he knows he can barely live without doing that. There’s enough out there. There’s a huge market for artificial intelligence in machinery, too, he’d easily find something with his qualifications-

“Tell me, tell me! Wait, the younger one posted a picture online yesterday of you all going out for ice cream or something, did they take you back home and-“

“Mo Ran! No comment! Leave me alone! Why are you so interested in my sex life, I’m your little brother! You creep!”

“Hey! I’m being nice! I was going to offer giving you advice, but yeah, you’re totally a bottom, aren’t you, and obviously I’m not, kinda leaning more to the domtop side of it all personally-“

Alright. That’s enough for Chu Wanning to absolutely explode. He stands up from his chair faster than he ever has, more out of shock than anything else – it’s not like he didn’t know Mo Ran would probably not be a bottom. Take one good look at him, and you’d just be able to guess. But hearing the other part, the ‘dom’ part…

Chu Wanning doesn’t know a lot about this stuff. But he’s pretty sure he knows enough to know what the word 'dom' means.

Even Xue Zhengyong and Wang Chuqing are looking at him, both of them looking like they’re very much about to apologize for their sons. Honestly, they should. Chu Wanning would accept that apology – however, Mo Ran has other plans, shooting him one of those fucking cocky grins again that Chu Wanning is sure he’ll feel the effects of in his underwear in roughly ten seconds, and moves a little closer to him.

“Prof, why are you so embarrassed? I’m just teasing him, I’m not actually going to subject you to hearing about Xue Meng’s sex life.”

“Because-“ he starts, then realizes he can barely say ‘because I’m a virgin and also I very desperately want you to do things to me that I could not say out loud in any universe whatsoever’. “Because it’s impudent,” he says in the end, but to his horror, Mo Ran seems to see right through that.

His smile drops, suddenly, and even the hand he had at his hip, he lets fall.

“Wait. Are you a virgin-“

“Mo Ran!” Chu Wanning shouts, standing up and at least noticing that he does feel significantly better, apart from his running nose and the slight headache that won’t leave despite the pain meds.

“Well-“ Mo Ran stutters, “I was just- you’re right, I really shouldn’t have asked for so many reasons-“

He’s disgusted, isn’t he? He’s probably finding this funny, behind that façade of being apologetic. Chu Wanning knows, because people usually make fun of people who are virgins past the age of twenty-five, and he’s seven years older than that.

“You..!”

He can’t even think of any insults, just staring up at Mo Ran in the desperate hope that he will undo whatever the hell he’s just said, turn back the time or whatever, just so that they don’t have to talk about the fact that Mo Ran just asked his professor whether he’s ever had sex or not.

“I’m sorry!” Mo Ran continues, “really! That was not okay to ask, oh my God, I was so in my teasing mode because of Xue Meng, and also lowkey happy for him that he just got laid and- what the fuck are you doing here?”

Having thought that the situation couldn’t possibly be getting worse than whatever it is right now, Chu Wanning turns towards the direction in which Mo Ran is staring, and yeah, this makes it so much worse.

“Shi Mei,” Chu Wanning states, staring at him, looking at both him and Mo Ran. “How… long have you been standing there?”

“…A while,” Shi Mei says, voice sounding weirdly monotonous and also just extremely resigned at the whole situation, somehow. “I… will pretend I didn’t hear anything. I don’t care.”

“Please,” Mo Ran says, “please pretend you didn’t hear me ask the professor whether or not he’s a virgin. Please pretend that never happened, actually, I got too caught up in this, please don’t-“

“I don’t care,” Shi Mei repeats. He eyes Mo Ran, his hands still a bit raised, as if he was about to touch Chu Wanning, but didn’t in the end. “I have… more important things to do in life than judge whether my classmate and professor are in a relationship or not.”

“We’re not!” Mo Ran yelps, this time punching his hands flat down onto the table, some of the more ball-shaped toys rolling a bit at the impact. “We’re not. Not like that. At all.”

“I… so sincerely don’t care, Mo Ran, I have a scholarship and an older brother to worry about. Even if you were, I wouldn’t report it. You’re both adults.”

At that, Chu Wanning exhales – which is stupid, since they’re actually not in a relationship. Of course not, Mo Ran doesn’t love him back, it’s time he got that into his stupid brain.

“I didn’t know you worked here too, though,” Shi Mei supplies in the end, as if just wanting to move the conversation along already, which Chu Wanning so sincerely appreciates.

“I don’t,” Mo Ran says, still eyeing Shi Mei up and down like he’s committed some crime or whatever; he’s also just in jeans shorts and a white t-shirt today. He really has grown up, and he really is handsome. So why would such a handsome boy ever claim to be in love with him? Chu Wanning really doesn’t understand. It must’ve been some misguided, small crush at most.

“Huh? Then why are you here?”

“My family,” Mo Ran explains, pointing at them. “Originally, Chu Wanning was sick, not in class on Friday either and stuff, so my adoptive mom asked me whether I’d like to help out. But now Chu Wanning’s here, so…”

“Ah! I see,” Shi Mei says, now a smile on him. He relaxes, suddenly. “I originally came just to donate some money, since I didn’t think Chu Wanning would even show up, but… well! I’m Shi Mei. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Mo Ran’s classmate, and ah, Chu Wanning took care of me when I was a young teenager. Before he moved here, basically.”
“I see! It’s nice to meet you!”

Xue Zhengyong leans over to shake his hand, once more saving the situation – maybe Chu Wanning doesn’t need that apology after all. This may just be enough of an apology.

Wang Chuqing also shakes his hand, but Xue Meng doesn’t, still busy fuming and glaring at Mo Ran. So is Chu Wanning, for the record.

Why the actual hell did Mo Ran ask him that? Why did he have to ask him that, out loud? God, Chu Wanning’s reaction probably gave it all away anyway, right? Mo Ran so knows that he’s a virgin now. He’ll find him even more unappealing now. He’s really done it now.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Shi Mei says eventually, but he has that weird distant look on his face that Chu Wanning has noticed before, unable to place it. He nods, and lets his hand drop again.

“Alright. Where do I donate? I still have somewhere to be.”

“Here,” Mo Ran says, holding out the box, “are you sure you won’t go telling people that-“

“I’m not going to tell people that you and Chu Wanning are in a relationship, no. I have better things to do. Like I said, you’re both adults, so…”

“Shi Mei. We’re not like that. We met here by chance. I didn’t know Mo Ran was going to be here,” Chu Wanning forces himself to say, looking at Shi Mei, as he casually puts some money into the donation box. Definitely more than he should, given that he’s on a scholarship, and his grades aren’t the best, so he should probably be saving up.

“I see,” he says, “either way. As long as you’re happy, I don’t mind.”

“It’s really not the case,” Mo Ran says, “I mean, you really expect me to ask him about that stuff if we were in a relationship?”

“Damn right,” Xue Meng suddenly says. “If Mo Ran ever gets into a relationship with someone, this will not… be an issue. Given his reputation.”

“I’ve already said to stop talking about this!” Chu Wanning barks, this time at Xue Meng, who flinches.

“Sorry!”

After having taken a deep breath, Chu Wanning turns back to Shi Mei.

“Me and Mo Ran are not a thing. He is my student. As are you. This would be highly inappropriate. Either way, moving on from this nonsense. Don’t give us so much money. You need it yourself.”

“No, no, it’s fine!” Shi Mei says, “I... don’t need so much money, and I’ll study a lot over the break to keep my grades up, so… it’s no issue really.”

“Eh, we already had some dude donate a crapload of money, they’ll be covered,” Mo Ran laughs.

“Huh? How much?”

“…A lot, we didn’t count yet,” Bernila says – of course she’s grinning at Chu Wanning and his misery. “It was just some man in a suit. None of us knew him, so it was probably just some guy feeling like he has to do a good deed today or whatever. Still, boy, take care of yourself first.”

“Eh?” Shi Mei makes, then once more shakes his head. “No, no, seriously, don’t worry. I saved up for this as soon as I learned of the event. Don’t worry. Really. Neither of you.”

The last bit, he says with another glance at Chu Wanning. Not only has he grown up, but he’s also grown bold. He can’t raise any child right, can he?

In the end, all he does is huff, and finally sit back down, Mo Ran standing next to him like that. Chu Wanning will pointedly ignore him until he becomes relevant again, for peace of mind.

“How’s Hua Binan?” he asks instead.

“Good. Now that he’s got his boyfriend, I suppose.”

That gets him one of these disgusted little ‘tch’s that Mo Ran makes sometimes, but mostly when this boyfriend of Hua Binan’s is mentioned, even when it’s Chu Wanning that should be disgusted – after all, it’s the guy that Mo Ran slept with the night before he moved in with him, and- well. Chu Wanning is jealous as hell, except he’s a virgin, which Mo Ran has correctly scouted out, and he has no idea what to even really imagine.

“I’m… glad,” Chu Wanning says, because partly that’s true – if Hua Binan has a boyfriend, he’ll at least leave him alone.

“Yeah, I’m not sure I can get used to that thought quite yet,” Shi Mei laughs, “but it’s fine. He seems quite happy that way. Alright, I have to leave, I have somewhere to be, actually.”

With that, Shi Mei slides his wallet back into his pocket, and leaves – which is good, because Chu Wanning was just about to explode, but on the other hand, it’s really bad because that means he’ll have to interact with Mo Ran again, and in the end, he’ll also have to go home with him.

“Haha, well, clearly Kora isn’t the only one who thinks you two would make a great couple-“

“Xue Zhengyong. I advise you to keep quiet right now,” Chu Wanning says before the man’s hand can even hit his shoulder. It does in the end though, gripping him relatively tightly. Xue Zhengyong is one of the few people he doesn’t mind touching him, as long as it’s not for long periods of time, or something more than a touch on the arms or shoulders.

“Right, right, sorry, just saying, if you and Mo Ran ever-“

“…Dad.”

Mo Ran shoots Chu Wanning a small, apologetic glance, but also the ‘dad’ seemingly works in getting Xue Zhengyong to stop, which Chu Wanning still finds… weirdly adorable. At the same time, though, he’s kind of jealous. There’s no one he can call ‘dad’ wholeheartedly. He did use to call Huaizui that, but after all the things he’s done, he couldn’t bring himself to do such a thing anymore. Even if he constantly keep messaging him, as if he suddenly cares. And now Mo Ran knows about it, which means he knows one of Chu Wanning’s weaknesses – and that’s never good.

Still… Mo Ran wasn’t awful about it. If anything, he seemed worried and concerned, even asking again today whether he’s really okay with all of that stuff. Of course he’s not, but it’s not like Chu Wanning can change the situation now. It’s far past fixing.

“Sure, I’ll stop. So, Meng-er, a congratulations-cake-“

“No. I do not want a congratulations-cake. Just- pretend none of this ever happened.”

At least Chu Wanning and Xue Meng seem to be on a similar wavelength here, which he much appreciates. He sincerely doesn’t want any more part in this conversation, especially after basically admitting that he’s a virgin, since his reactions must have been more than obvious to everyone involved.

Great.

Now even his co-worker knows.

“No worries about the congratulations cake,” Mo Ran says, “I’ll make him one. Chu Wanning likes sweets anyways, so I might as well. We can invite Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si too, I guess.”

“Mo Ran, I’m actually going to kill you,” Chu Wanning sighs, still just grateful that there were no more other customers so far – apart from Shi Mei, which is still horrifying as hell to him, considering that he knows them. He think he played it cool enough, but then again, he seemed pretty much convinced they’re in a relationship, or like he wasn’t at all surprised. And even Xue Zhengyong…

Do they know that he’s in love with Mo Ran?

Does Mo Ran know?

Surely not, right? It’s not like he’s overly obvious about it. In fact, he makes a pretty good job of hiding it. He has thought of telling Xue Zhengyong that he’s in love with Mo Ran, just to not bear it on his own, but when has Chu Wanning ever told someone about his issues? When has he ever tried doing that, specifically after his father kicked him out? Truth be told, the first time he’s opened up in what must’ve been literal years was when he talked just a little bit about his father to Mo Ran.

So, no. He’s not going to tell Xue Zhengyong, and he’s not going to tell anyone else either, Mo Ran included. Hell, Mo Ran specifically.

“No, don’t kill me, who’s going to make that raspberry tiramisu cake Bernila sent me a recipe for then?”

“Raspb- you know what, fuck the whole embarrassment thing,” Xue Meng says, “bake me that cake. Invite everyone. I don’t even care anymore.”

“See, just threaten you two with not being able to make good food, and suddenly you don’t even want to kill me anymore,” Mo Ran laughs, ruffling Xue Meng’s hair to get him to glare at him again. Luckily, he doesn’t ruffle Chu Wanning’s hair, because Chu Wanning might just die at that.

He’s never realized just how much he wants to just… be touched. Not until Mo Ran appeared, and now all he knows is a stupidly deep yearning to just have his hands all over him. No matter where. Inside of him.

“Chu Wanning? You alright with raspberry tiramisu cake, too?” he suddenly asks, giving him another little smile.

Chu Wanning sniffs, just to distract himself from the warmth pooling inside of him at those stupid, stupid dimples of Mo Ran’s.

“Fine,” he says, voice giving in a little and reminding him that he’s still sick with a small cough, “I’ll let you live for now.”

Seemingly, Mo Ran is satisfied with that answer, and goes on to torment his little brother.

And, really, Chu Wanning thinks that if anyone dies, it’s going to be him, because one of these days, those smiles will murder him.

…Or eating too much cake will.

Chapter Text

Chu Wanning is a virgin.

How the hell is Mo Ran meant to live with that information? He just has to live like that. He has to live with the knowledge that the man he’s in love with is a virgin, that he’s completely untouched, hasn’t ever been fucked, possibly hasn’t been kissed either.

And he has to live like that.

As if he doesn’t have a raging virginity kink, and has specifically taken several people’s virginities already after matching with them on dating apps – not that he’s fucked all too many people, but he’s done it with quite a lot anyways. It’s fine, everyone is always aware it’s just casual hook-ups, he’s not like one of Xue Meng’s boyfriends.

But Chu Wanning is different. Chu Wanning isn’t just a casual hook-up. In fact, he isn’t a hook-up at all, because they’re not going to have sex, but in Mo Ran’s mind, he’s currently deflowering him in all ways possible. Would he even get his dick in, if Chu Wanning hasn’t ever done that? Well, okay, maybe he owns a dildo or something that Mo Ran simply hasn’t found. That’s still a possibility, but the thought that he might’ve never even have done that…

If he wasn’t still in public, Mo Ran would be rubbing one out so furiously to all of his fantasies right now.

“We should leave,” Chu Wanning suddenly says, already grabbing his bag. “It’s getting late.”

He’s right though, Mo Ran has to admit. And Chu Wanning still is sick, and he should probably be going back to bed.

“Yeah,” he agrees, coughing once and mentally banning himself from imagining how well he could bend Chu Wanning in half and fuck him so hard he cries, make sure it’s really good for his first time, that he comes multiple times. He could leave marks all over him if Chu Wanning is into that, generally figure out what he’s into. All Mo Ran knows is that this man isn’t a top, so he could have his way with him. At most, Chu Wanning might be a power bottom, but considering how bashful he sometimes gets, considering how he simply sat down when Mo Ran told him to…

Fuck, what else would he do if-

So much to not thinking about horny things involving Chu Wanning. Successfully failed, congratulations, Mo Ran. It’s fine. He can just think about the assignment he has yet to finish, and that’ll bring any boner down for certain.

“Uh… do we go say goodbye to Kora first? Since she asked you?”

“If we can find her,” Chu Wanning says, “but I am pretty sure I know where she is, so yes. We can leave, right? Unless you want to stay, but in that case, please give me the keys.”

“Nah, nah, I’ll go home with you, I’m hungry, I’ve ought to make dinner,” Mo Ran says, and stretches once. In the end, they did still get some customers, and then, they’ve just kind of been talking. It’s almost six now.

They’ve at least planned that they’ll all meet up at Ye Wangxi’s tomorrow, and Mo Ran will make a cake in the morning, which is great, because that gives him a distraction from what he’s about to do in two days again. All he has to do is make sure Chu Wanning doesn’t learn of it, and then it’s fine. Chu Wanning should be at work by the time Mo Ran meets his father anyways.

He doesn’t really run any risks there.

“Alright,” Chu Wanning comments, properly shouldering Mo Ran’s tote bag.

They say their goodbyes to everyone – Xue Meng is still seemingly a little pissed at him, but their father finds the entire thing very funny, apparently. He pats Mo Ran on the shoulder and gives a small grin at Chu Wanning, too. Which is bad, because it makes Mo Ran fool himself into thinking that maybe, Xue Zhengyong is thinking that Chu Wanning requites his feelings. It’s not the case, but let him dream, okay?

“Where’s she?”

“Probably in the garden. They usually play there. Most of them are old enough to be without surveillance, and the older ones look after the younger ones. She hasn’t come back yet, so everything’s probably gone just fine.”

Mo Ran thinks the same. They did tell him a little bit more about Kora; not about her background or anything, but the way that she apparently hurt the others for a while, and sometimes still does, so now they’re scared of her. He gets it. He used to be the same, and probably much worse.

“I’m sure it is,” he says, “it’s fine, if she gets therapy and stuff, she’ll get better eventually.”

“She’s already gotten better. The others are just still scared of her.”

“It’ll get better. I used to be a bit violent as a kid too, but before I got adopted, I had something like a friend or two at my orphanage,” Mo Ran says, hoping it’s not all too obvious. “And like, I had a bit of a violence streak again as a teen, but eh. There’s worse, no one had any lasting damage, and some of the people I beat up was them being assholes to Ye Wangxi for being trans, so they had it coming.”

“…Mo Ran.”

“What? They did have it coming,” he insists with a little laugh, but then sees that Chu Wanning himself is grinning just a bit. Maybe he’s agreeing himself that Mo Ran had a point, huh?

He doesn’t get to ask about it any further because that’s when they arrive at the garden. Some of the kids are playing football, two girls are jumping with ropes together, and Kora is sitting with a boy and a girl, seemingly just watching.

“Kora,” Chu Wanning says, and she immediately turns around to them, still clutching the raccoon plushie in one of her hands.

“Wanning! You’re here!”

“Hm. Mo Ran and me are going home now.”

“Okay! You’ll be back next weekend, right?”

“Yeah. Regularly. I’ll have recovered by then. Did you have fun?”

“Yeah! I played some football, but I’m not good at it. I’m also not good at rope jumping. I’m not good at sports.”

“That’s okay,” Mo Ran laughs, stepping closer to her and reaching out his hand to ruffle her hair, but once more trying to do it in a way that won’t mess her hair up all too much. She’s still wearing the red pendant, and so is Mo Ran; Chu Wanning has it below his shirt, but he’s wearing it regardless.

Mo Ran feels like a little kid having exchanged jewelry with his crush or something, which isn’t exactly what happened, but it might as well have been.

“Not everyone’s got to be good at sports. Just make sure to do some kind of exercise, alright?”

“I will! Mo Ran, will you come back? I’ll miss you. You’re cool.”

Ugh, she’s so fucking cute, Mo Ran is getting cute aggression so hard that he might just have to cannibalize her. (Obviously he will not be doing that.)

Still, she asked a question, and it warrants an answer, so Mo Ran looks up at Chu Wanning, who just gives a little shrug.

“If he wants to, he can come around. I don’t think anyone would mind, as long as it’s announced.”

“Alright! You’ll see me again then,” Mo Ran says, still trying to smile at her.

“Okay! Wanning, you should get with Mo Ran. Then you-“

“No,” Chu Wanning jots her down immediately with a small bonk to her head. “I’m not doing that.”

Ah, and the immediate rejection again – Mo ran will survive, somehow. It just hurts every time Chu Wanning says something like it, but maybe it’ll get better with time. If Mo Ran can control himself enough to not just instantly take Chu Wanning’s virginity now that he knows he’s a virgin, he can also manage to not hate him for not loving him back.

“Either way, we’re leaving.”

“…Okay,” Kora sighs, “it’s okay. As long as you come back?”

“I will,” Chu Wanning says. He leans down to her, and strokes her cheek with the back of his fingers once, so terribly gently that Mo Ran feels himself melting again.

Chu Wanning also used to have to reassure him that he wouldn’t leave; over and over again, because Mo Ran was so terrified of it. Frankly, even now, he’s still terrified. He’s scared that Chu Wanning will hate him, but at the same time, would he really? When he’s still willing to go home with him, even though he’s asked him whether he’s a virgin?

…In front of Shi Mei?

He did fuck up there, but at least now he knows that Chu Wanning is a virgin, which he will in no way be normal about. Neither will his dick be normal about it. He’s gonna have such a good jacking off session later.

“Alright. We’ll leave then,” Chu Wanning says, but Kora immediately tackles him to hug his waist first. Poor Chu Wanning looks so horribly taken aback by that again, which is stupidly adorable. It takes everything for Mo Ran not to not just start laughing again.

“Okay,” she says, gripping the raccoon plush tighter and then letting go off him. “Goodbye! See you next weekend!”

Chu Wanning just gives a nod, and Mo Ran waves at her – Kora waves back – and then they make their way towards the bus stop.

“Uh… so, we’re just going to pretend I never asked that one question, right?” Mo Ran asks once they arrive at the bus stop, Chu Wanning putting his bag down onto the small bench as they wait.

“Obviously,” he scoffs. “And now be quiet about it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Obviously Mo Ran is going to respect that, but he does want to talk about it. He wants to ask Chu Wanning whether he may or may not want to lose that virginity to Mo Ran by getting fucked so hard he passes out on Mo Ran’s bed and Mo Ran gets to hold him while he sleeps.

Logically, though, he should not be asking that, so he won’t.

“Okay,” he says, “well, either way, you up for tomato eggdrop soup tonight? I’ll throw in some more vegetables and some noodles, but that’ll be relatively fast, and I’m hungry.”

“That’s fine,” Chu Wanning agrees. Then, with a small look at his phone, he gives a curt nod. “The bus should be here in a minute.”

Until the bus comes, they remain silent. Every few seconds, Mo Ran eyes him a little bit, just looking at his profile. Standing here like this, he looks so strangely lonely. He swears it isn’t because he just admitted to being a virgin, but just because he looks so lonely. So far away, somehow. Maybe it’s because he tried explaining to Kora why he can’t adopt her, but Mo Ran knows those are bullshit reasons. You can adopt even if you’re single. And Chu Wanning wants to. Mo Ran saw it. He heard it. He’s stupid, but not that stupid.

He doesn’t have to be alone. He could be with Mo Ran and with Kora, and maybe it goes a bit far to imagine them just being some kind of happy family, the three of them, but… he can’t help it.

He wonders how much more Chu Wanning would smile if that was the case. If he loved Mo Ran back and they could-

The bus pulls up, stopping in front of them, its doors opening.

Chu wanning grabs the bag again, and steps inside, Mo Ran following close behind. He sits down next to him in the two-seater at the front that Chu Wanning chose, not the seats directly behind the driver, but behind those, so that there’s actually enough space for two people. It’s still closer than they usually are, and it makes Mo Ran’s throat go dry. Chu Wanning’s hands are folded neatly on the bag in his lap, holding it, and he looks out of the window, not facing Mo Ran, so at least he can ogle him all he wants.

If only he could reach out to take his hands.

“Are you… okay, cold-wise?” Mo Ran asks instead to distract himself.

“Yeah,” Chu Wanning responds without even turning around. “It’s getting better, I can go back to my classes tomorrow. The fever is completely down with medication now, but I doubt it’ll come back even once it wears off.”

“That’s good to hear. The one day off that you took didn’t kill you after all.”

“Mo Ran.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll shut up.”

He’s so… Mo Ran doesn’t even know. He’s so horribly concerned about his image it’s bordering on being a little ridiculous, but Mo Ran doesn’t mind, because he can see right through him. And also because no matter how concerned Chu Wanning might be about showing any amount of weakness to someone else, he can’t hide his sniffling and coughing.

The bus ride is quite long, but they pass it in silence, too. It’s nor even awkward silence, despite the stupid question Mo Ran has asked earlier. If anything, it’s comfortable silence. At one point, Chu Wanning nods off a little, but he’s back awake for their stop, so Mo Ran doesn’t have to wake him again.

It’s when they’re about to get off the bus that Mo Ran notices something severely wrong.

So does Chu Wanning.

Usually, Mo Ran wouldn’t mind it if someone were to get off behind him, but right when Chu Wanning steps out of the bus door, someone else gets off, too.

It’s not an adult, Mo Ran realizes from the lightness of the steps alone, and he’s turning around anyways to look at Chu Wanning and…

Sees Kora, jumping off the bus, grinning at them proudly, like she was always meant to be here.

“You both didn’t notice me!” she giggles, which is when Chu Wanning whips around to her, the biggest expression of disbelief in his eyes.

The bus door closes, and it drives on, leaving them standing at the bus stop.

Both Mo Ran and Chu Wanning stare at the girl in front of them, raccoon plushie under her arm, her smile all teeth, and Mo Ran can barely even be mad at her.

Seemingly, Chu Wanning however, can.

“Kora! What are you doing here?”

She shrinks a bit below his obvious rage, so Mo Ran puts his hand onto Chu Wanning’s shoulder to rub it a bit, hoping that this might call him down; strangely enough, it seems to work. He relaxes a little under his touch for a bit – and then, he’s back to tensing up like hell.

“You followed us.”

“I did!” she says, less smile-y now and instead a little bit intimidated by the guy she had asked to adopt her just a bit ago. “You didn’t notice me.”

“What are you doing here? Why are you here?”

“Uh…”

At this point, Mo Ran is pretty sure she doesn’t have an actual reason, and just generally felt like causing some mischief. He does commend that theoretically – what a great kid – but not practically, because obviously this was potentially very dangerous.

“I wanted to see where you live…?”

“I’m taking you on the next bus back. Mo Ran, you can go home,” Chu Wanning announces; he swallows, as if to swallow down his anger, seemingly aware that it won’t do any good. Mo Ran still has his hand on his shoulder.

“I mean,” he starts, “if she’s already here, we might as well. And the bus there would be the last, so you wouldn’t get back home. No buses past eight, remember-“

“I remember!” Chu Wanning snaps, only now slapping Mo Ran’s hand off his shoulder, turning around to him with an expression so sour it almost rivals the one he had on his face when Mo Ran took out his trash. Including the pantyliners. “You’d know, wouldn’t you?”

Ah, now Mo Ran’s getting the brunt end of it, too, just because he fucked Rong Jiu that one time when really he wanted nothing more but for him to be Chu Wanning. Not that they have anything in common, because they don’t.

“Haha… yeah, I know, but seriously, calm down, what’s done is done. I’ll take her back in a car, I can take dad’s or my adoptive mom’s, since she’s here. It’s no issue. I’ll just text the family group chat and see about it. Okay?”

Chu Wanning is clearly still quite angry, but in the end, he nods, so Mo Ran sends them a short text message about the situation at hand, and almost immediately receives the answer that sure, he can take Xue Zhengyong’s car, he’ll take it around and then go on a walk with his wife and son afterwards, so he doesn’t need to worry about walking towards his to go get it.

Meanwhile, Chu Wanning turns to Kora again, rubbing his temples a little bit. When he speaks to her, his voice sounds a lot more contained than when he’s talking to Mo Ran, but still obviously strained.

“Kora. You can’t just do things like this! it’s dangerous to take a bus on your own like this…!”

“Uh… I didn’t find it very scary, though?”

Hell, it really takes everything out of Mo Ran to not laugh about this situation, because he knows very well that Chu Wanning has a point. He crouches down a little so that Kora doesn’t feel as intimidated.

“No, look, Chu Wanning here is completely right. You’re too young to take a bus on your own. There’s a lot of people in the world that do very bad things. So, don’t do it again, okay?”

“It’s fun though.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s fun,” Chu Wanning goes on with his scolding, “it’s dangerous. Don’t do it again until you start school, and then we’ll go together and teach you properly about what to do and not to do on buses. Don’t just follow me, either, because you don’t know where I’m going, and what if I went somewhere dangerous?”

Going somewhere dangerous, Mo Ran muses, like where? The supermarket? University? Chu Wanning doesn’t go any places that aren’t work, or the store, and he doesn’t even go to the store often. When he does, he returns with his usual crapload of snacks and sweet drinks. Sometimes with cup noodles, but now, he only eats them when he stays up to ungodly hours to work on whatever he works on. Mo Ran does sometimes lose sleep because he’s hammering away a room over.

But, you know, Chu Wanning is so beautiful he forgives him anyways.

“…I’m sorry,” Kora mumble eventually. She doesn’t quite start crying, but she looks pretty damn close to it.

“Hey, let up,” Mo Ran says, placing his hand on Chu Wanning’s shoulder blade for just a second. “Look, Kora. What he means is that taking the bus can be dangerous. You need to be very careful about it when you’re this young. Also, you don’t have a ticket, so technically, this was illegal.”

She doesn’t respond, just kind of looks to the floor, clinging to that plushie. In the end, it’s Chu Wanning that also kneels down, grabbing Kora by the shoulder, and huffing out a few breaths.

“Sorry,” he says, rubbing them a little, “I’m angry, but not at you, okay? I’m angry with myself, because I didn’t notice you following us. I’m not mad at you. I just got really worried. Okay?”

It takes a bit, but eventually, Kora nods. She grabs the sleeve of his button-up, and looks up at him.

“You’re not mad at me?”

“…No,” he reiterates. “I’m not. Sorry for snapping. That… wasn’t right. Still, you shouldn’t have followed us. Do you understand that?”

This time, she does give a small nod, sniffing once, but still not crying.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again, okay? As long as you’re safe, it’s fine. But… please don’t follow me home, Kora. Don’t just do that on your own.”

Chu Wanning’s voice sounds a lot softer now, and Kora seems to notice that, too, because the gloomy expression on her face lights up a bit again.

“…Just wanted to see where you live.”

“You could’ve asked.”

“You would’ve said no.”

“Yes, I would have said no, but now you’re here anyway, so.”

“So?” Mo Ran asks, still crouched down right next to Chu Wanning. “She can come home and have some of my soup?”

“…If Bernila agrees. I’ll call her. Either way, you can take her to the flat already if you want. It looks like it might rain soon,” Chu Wanning says, and Mo Ran nods. He’s right; the sky is getting kind of grey, and the air is starting to feel heavy with humidity.

“I’ll do that. C’mon, Kora. We’ll see about dinner, but I’m sure Bernila won’t mind, since you’re here now, and we’ll have to wait for my dad’s car anyways. And if I say that he arrived a little later than he really did, then it doesn’t hurt anyone, right?”

He stretches out his hand towards her, and Kora all too happily grabs it while Chu Wanning reaches for his phone to call his coworker, which is exactly the chance Mo Ran needed. He walks some more steps towards their flat with her, and as soon as he’s sure Chu Wanning can’t hear him anymore, he leans down again.

“Hey Kora, just one thing.”

“Hm?”

“I told you I’ve eaten one of his wontons, right?”

“Yep! You did.”

“You can’t tell him. He doesn’t know.”

At that, her eyes go all wide.

“Did you steal one, Mo Ran?”

Close enough. The first one, he did try to steal, but Chu Wanning hadn’t let him eat it, because it had still been raw. Which was good, because he would’ve probably ended up with a stomach ache otherwise.

“Yep,” he says, because he can’t possibly explain the entire story to her and risk her still blabbing it out to Chu Wanning. “So, no telling him, got it?”

He emphasizes that last part with a finger put against his lips, which Kora mimics immediately, back to the good mood she was in for the rest of the day before this. It’s fine. She must’ve understood that Chu Wanning wasn’t actually mad at her. It’s good he managed to get ahold of himself this fast. She did look a bit scared, clearly not used to Chu Wanning actually berating her, but he apologized, and she believes him.

“No telling him. I got it! What are you going to cook?”

“You like tomato-egg drop soup?”

“Yes!” she says, “a lot! It’s really good!”

“Great! I’ll put in some more vegetables, but you’ll get to choose what you like and don’t like. And some noodles. Just for some proper nutrition.”

It doesn’t seem like she knows that word, but she doesn’t ask, so Mo Ran leaves it be – his German just so sincerely isn’t good enough, and he really sucks at learning languages, so he’s not even going to try.

“Uh-huh! I like noodles. Vegetables depend, though,” Kora says with a look on her face that tells Mo Ran she might just try to throttle him in his sleep if he puts in the wrong vegetables, so he’ll make extra sure to ask her.

When they walk into the yard in front of the house, the neighbour is out, immediately waving at them. Some other guy is with her that Mo Ran has never seen, looking kind of emo, wearing a very, very oversized jacket.

“Hi, Mo Ran!” she says, then points at Kora. “Who’s that?”

“Kora,” Mo Ran introduces her, putting his hand onto her hair once, then taking her hand again. “One of the kids Chu Wanning works with, but she followed us here. So, she’s staying for dinner, and then I’m taking her the hell back.”

“I’m gonna stay,” Kora announces, which makes the neighbour laugh.

“I’m sure you will,” she says, winking at Mo Ran once, then patting the shoulder of the guy next to her. On second thought, he’s not nearly as emo as her roommate and boyfriend, Mo Ran supposes, so that’s a good point.

No that he could judge – he just had his emo phase a little earlier and has since grown out of it. He’d rather not remember the time he had an emo account online where he posted emo pictures of drugs at the club and band shirt selfies in black-and-white, and going by the alias of ‘Taxian-jun’.

Yeah.

He’d really rather not remember.

…He’d also really rather not remember the amount of followers he had, because then he’d have to face the fact of how many people saw these damned posts.

“Alright. I’ll go in with her, gotta prep dinner so that I can drive her home later.”

“You got a car?”

“Yeah, my dad’s driving it here for me and then taking a walk.”

“If you ever can’t take that, let me know, I’m sure my brother will give it to you, since you fixed it and stuff. If not, I can make him at any rate.”

Mo Ran has only seen her brother when he fixed his car, and only seen him interact with his little sister very briefly, but that’s the exact vibe he got. Good to know it’s confirmed.
“I’ll keep it in mind,” he says, grabbing his keys and unlocking his door. “Have fun with your… friend?”

“I will, I will, and yep, that guy’s my friend,” she says, patting the shoulders of the guy next to her, who’s looking more and more pissed by the second. That really is the type of guy she attracts, huh? “We’re gonna go shopping now actually, so ya know!”

“I see,” Mo Ran laughs. He unlocks the door and waves at them, his neighbour waving back. “Alright, Kora, let’s get in. There’s someone you’ve still got to meet.”

“Huh?” she makes, but as soon as Mo Ran opens the door, Plum is already on her way – Mo Ran hears her jump down from what must be a windowsill, and she’s at the door almost immediately.

In an instant, Kora’s face has lit up to the brightest he’s ever seen it.

“Chu Wanning has a cat?”

Ah, so the guy didn’t tell her, huh? Probably hasn’t ever brought it up to any of them, given how secretive he is about his personal life. Mo Ran is pretty sure that not even Xue Zhengyong even knows about the whole matter with Chu Wanning’s dad, to be honest.

“Yup,” he says, leaning down to pet Plum’s head a little. “Come in, then you can get to know her. Her name’s Plum, and Chu Wanning’s obsessed with her even if he tries to act like he isn’t, and also, he’s leash-trained her. He goes on walks with her and all.”

“He what?” Kora screeches, stepping into the flat and then getting out of her shoes at lightning speed, clearly prioritizing petting the cat.

She crouches down and holds out her hand towards Plum, like you’re meant to. Mo Ran isn’t in any way concerned that she will scratch her, because he’s only seen her scratch Chu Wanning one single time, which was also literally when he was playing with her, and it was clearly an accident. So, as long as Kora doesn’t start tearing on her tail or whatever, it’s perfectly fine.

Plum sniffs her hand from a few different angles, then presses her head up against Kora’s hand, who lets out a little giggle of delight; good to know she’s also a cat lover like the rest of them.

“She’s so cute,” she says, starting to stroke her head, and then from her head to her tail. Plum seems to be enjoying herself well enough with the attention she’s getting.

“I know. She sleeps on people and around people. Pretty sure she spends most of her time in Chu Wanning’s lap when he’s doing something.”

“…I wished I could walk her, but he’s probably not going to let me, right?”

“We can ask,” Mo Ran says, “maybe he will, for just some minutes. Or you two can do that while I prepare dinner. It will still take a bit because I still have to chop everything. Help me choose the vegetables till he comes back?”

“I can help chop them, too! It’s okay. I’ll get Wanning to take me here again, and then I can walk her.”

Somehow, Mo Ran has no doubts about that at all.

“Great. You’re helping me chop then. You good with knives?”

“Very good!” she nods, presenting her hands to him, and then already darting towards the kitchen – which is very obviously the kitchen, because you can see the fridge from the hallway.

At the end of the yard, Chu Wanning is still on call, rubbing his temples every now and again, seemingly still a bit put off by the whole situation, but Mo Ran is very sure he will get around.

With a little smile knowing that he’ll get to play family at least for one evening, live his dream for just an hour or two, he follows Kora into the kitchen to go prepare the soup.

*

In the end, she was allowed to stay – because it’s not like there was any other way to bring her back, which Bernila also acknowledged – and eat with them. Chu Wanning was back fast enough that he also gave in to her request to go walk Plum, even if just for five minutes, around the house, until Mo Ran called them in for dinner.

Chu Wanning has mostly been the one taking care of her, grabbing his chair from his own room and stacking some pillows on it to make sure she would sit high enough to reach the table on her own, because he categorically refused to have her in his lap for mealtime.

Which Mo Ran gets, because she’s certainly too old for that, at least.

“Mo Ran is really good at cooking!” Kora says at one point when her bowl of soup is nearly empty, fork still in her hand. She tried with chopsticks, but they don’t have any for kids, and the usual ones were a little too slippery for her still. Luckily, Mo Ran does own forks on account of it being much easier to eat cake with forks than with literally anything else, especially if they involve whipped cream in any way, shape, or form.

If he has pride in anything, it’s his cooking, though, so he’s very glad that Kora seems to agree he’s great at it.

“He’s better than you, Wanning.”

That receives her an angry little glare from Chu Wanning, but all she does at it is release a high giggle, very proud of herself for having hit Chu Wanning’s sore spot.

“I know. Shut up.”

“He should teach you! Mo Ran, can you make wontons?”

“I can,” he says, but also raises his chopsticks at her in warning to not tell Chu Wanning what Mo Ran has previously told, her. He doesn’t need that conversation, not yet. Not before he’s spoken to Chu Wanning’s father at any rate.

…Something he’s still putting to the back of his mind until it’s actually time to do it, because he’s not entirely sure what the hell he would say and do to the man if he was in any way left alone with his thoughts about it for too long. Mo Ran is aware he’s mentally ill as hell, he’s aware he can be manipulative as hell too, and he should most probably aim to seem like he is neither of these things.

“Then stop bothering me about making wontons for you, and just make them yourself, if you’re such a good cook anyways” Chu Wanning says, still that stupidly cute pout on his face that Mo Ran sincerely cannot get enough of.

“I want yours, though. Also, my chili oil sauce would probably kill you, so it’s better if you make them, because otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to eat them at all.”

His reaction is Chu Wanning bristling, literally like Plum sometimes does when she’s in Mo Ran’s room at night and encounters one of the monsters he houses in his drawers.

(One of his many vibrators of many shapes and forms for all kinds of bodies. Plum hates them, especially when he turns them on. It’s very funny, but it generally always kills the mood too, but what would Mo Ran not do for the cat? If it means giving up on masturbating with his vibrating cock ring halfway through because he laughed a bit too hard at Plum looking like he’s killed her entire family in front of her once he turns it on when she had previously been sleeping in the corner next to the printer for some godforsaken reason, then he’s fine with it. It’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make.)

“I can handle spice.”

“Nope, you can’t,” Kora says, “the other day, Bernila made spicy chicken, and you died.”

“…I didn’t die, I’m still alive.”

“You died.”

“I didn’t die!”

Looking from one to the other, Mo Ran actually cannot decide who’s the child here. Both of them, probably, because Kora is an actual child, and Chu Wanning surely as hell is acting like one right now.

Not that he minds, though, because of course he doesn’t. Instead, Mo Ran leans back a little bit, putting is chopsticks down after grabbing the last bit of egg from his soup, sinking into his chair and watching the two of them bicker on and on about how Chu Wanning can’t handle spicy food.

Mo Ran has had a lot of homes in his life.

He’s had a home with his mother, even when they didn’t have a home. As long as she was with him, he felt safe and warm despite all the wounds on his body and the cold of the asphalt beneath their feet.

Then, he’s had a home that wasn’t quite a home, but at least something like it for some months, living with people that were much warmer than the streets, but people that weren’t his mom. After a few months, Chu Wanning came, and hen he had an actual, real home every time he was with him.

Once Chu Wanning left, he had thought that he would never have a home ever again, but he was wrong. When he first met Xue Zhengyong and Wang Chuqing (and later, Xue Meng), he didn’t expect much of them. They seemed nice, sure, but they also agreed to keep taking him to the weird people in white. In fact, they continued doing that until Mo Ran was first properly medicated as a teenager, and then until he went off his medication a bit over a year ago, and has been stable ever since. With them, he truly did have a home. Not a home with his mom or with Chu Wanning, but a home nonetheless.

Throughout his life, Mo Ran learned that a single person can have multiple homes, and that there’s nothing wrong with that.

When he first moved into this flat however, it felt like anything but home. He knew that Xue Zhengyong was still in the area, and that in theory, his adoptive mother and brother weren’t that far, either. He knew that Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si were going to be close, too, and he got along with the neighbours very fast, too.

But the flat didn’t feel like home, because there was an entirely empty room right next to his, and he started using it, but…

It felt lonely.

Not necessarily because of the flat – it felt lonely because he knew that someone else was close, that Chu Wanning was right there within his reach, yet so far that Mo Ran had no clue how to approach him about anything.

He never had to.

Chu Wanning appeared n front of this apartment one day, bags packed, together with Plum, and from then on out, it’s felt like a home, but…

Never as much as in this very moment.

The smell of tomato-eggdrop is still all around them, even if everyone has finished their meal by now. Chu Wanning and Kora are still arguing about his (non-existent) spice tolerance. Mo Ran is still holding his chopsticks, Kora taking the bowl into her hands in the end to go drink the rest of the broth, before setting it down together with the fork that she used for the long noodles, since you can barely get those into your mouth with a spoon.

Yeah.

No home has ever felt as much like his mom as this does.

For a second, he closes his eyes, and just relishes in the moment.

Even if it’s fake, and even if this isn’t his family, even if Chu Wanning is going to move out and Kora isn’t ever going to visit again, Mo Ran knows for a fact that he will never forget this. That the memory of soup and playfully annoyed voices is going to burn itself into the back of his mind, and that if he ever starts thinking that life isn’t worth living again, he’s going to replay this and remind himself that it is.

Because even if this isn’t going to be his reality for much longer, it’s so much more than he deserves. And if he can get so much more than he deserves just randomly by chance, then how much more could he get if he actively tried for it?

So, yeah.

Later, he will feel hurt about how this is only temporary, how Chu Wanning doesn’t actually love him back and they certainly haven’t adopted a child together, but for now, he feels entirely happy and at peace.

*

“Well, that surely was something,” Mo Ran laughs when he sets their keys back down on the sideboard, coming home to Plum looking at them from inside the bathroom – hell knows what she did in there.

Chu Wanning strokes off the thin jacket he had put on to go outside with, since it cooled down rapidly when it started raining, and he still does have that cold. Kora was seemingly satisfied with her little adventure, and didn’t even complain upon being brought back. Chu Wanning got her ready for bed, and then left back towards home together with Mo Ran.
“Sorry again,” Chu Wanning makes, “I didn’t notice her following us at all.”

“No, no, it’s fine, I had a good time. I like her, so there’s no issue. I did a lot of babysitting in the past, so it’s alright.”

“It wasn’t… upsetting to you or anything, right?”

“Huh?”

“Because… well.”

“Oh,” Mo Ran laughs, looking up at Chu Wanning as he takes off his own shoes. “Because I used to live in an orphanage? No worries, I swear. Like I said, it’s all good. It wasn’t the worst experience of my life. I mean, there were some downsides, but it was alright.”

“Okay. Kora can sometimes… she can be a lot. You’ve probably noticed. The other kids aren’t very good with her, so I’m glad she actually spent some time with them today.”
“Hm, she’ll grow out of it as long as she has people taking care of her,” Mo Ran says. They both make their way inside the kitchen, Chu Wanning having mentioned that they could still have some of the ice cream they bought the other day once they’re back, so that’s exactly what they’re going to do. “Therapy and medication if needed does the job, as long as it’s good therapy. She’s going, I assume?”

“Yeah. She’s making a lot of progress too but… I’ve been working with kids for so long, there’s some that…”

Ah.

Yeah, Mo Ran can imagine. He knows not every kid makes it. He himself almost didn’t make it. One hand wouldn’t be enough to count the amount of times he nearly tried to take his life. In the end, he never did, just because he knew deep down that he wanted to see Chu Wanning again, and that he wanted to ask him why he never came back.

So far, he has only achieved one of these.

Rubbing his arm a little, Mo Ran tries his best to smile at him.

“It’s okay. You can’t save everyone. As long as you try, it’s enough. If you save even just one person, that’s more than enough. There’s no need to shoulder the weight of the entire world.”

And Mo Ran knows that Chu Wanning has saved someone so long ago, just by giving him a single wonton.

When Chu Wanning doesn’t respond, Mo Ran gets the notion that he’s probably overstepped right now. Whatever – if Chu Wanning is bad at accepting praise, then Mo Ran will make him get better at it, easy as that. He throws the ice cream at him, and Chu Wanning catches it.

“But seriously, don’t worry. I was much worse as a child than Kora. You’ve heard the horror stories from Xue Zhengyong anyway, so.”

“Kind of, I suppose,” Chu Wanning says, unwrapping the ice cream from it’s plastic, and immediately biting off some of the white chocolate covering it. “Not from before they adopted you, obviously.”

“Once,” Mo Ran starts, grinning as he does the same as Chu Wanning, biting into his ice cream, his teeth hurting immediately, but he’s far past caring as long as he gets ice cream, so. “I bit a kid so hard she had to go to the hospital. I think I sent three kids to the hospital in two weeks – never again after, not till I was a teenager, anyways – and they literally tested me for rabies. I bet that stuff scarred, oh man. Not sorry about the people I punched into hospital as a teen though, but you know, damned transphobes.”

“Mo Ran. Don’t put people into hospital, no matter the reason,” Chu Wanning sighs, but there’s a bit of an amused glint on his face at the stories Mo Ran is currently sharing with him. Mo Ran doesn’t blame him. Of course those weren’t good things to do, but therapy helped him enough to acknowledge that he was just a kid.

“I changed pretty soon after, enough to become like, civil enough, but before that? Oh dear, I was a fucking menace. So, don’t worry, Kora will turn out fine in the end, I’m sure. As long as you stay with her for even just a bit. She’ll appreciate it.”

Once more, Chu Wanning doesn’t answer, not directly, at least. Mo Ran isn’t planning to pressure him about the whole adoption thing that happened earlier, but he knows damn well that Chu Wanning might possibly want to.

“Hm. Why did you bite that girl to begin with?”

“…She took my toy for approximately two seconds.”

Something leaves Chu Wanning’s mouth that can probably count as something like a laugh, but his face stays completely serious the entire time, so Mo Ran isn’t entirely sure that’s what it was.

“Of course,” Chu Wanning coughs, “I see. I’m going to my room. I need to just…”

His voice trails off a little, so Mo Ran jumps in to help him finish the sentence, knowing very well that Chu Wanning struggles admitting any kind of weakness.

“Wind down? That’s fine. Me too. ‘N then, I’ll have to go to sleep, so. You’re probably going to shower first? Just let me know once you’re out.”

“Okay,” Chu Wanning says, already walking towards his room, closely followed by Plum, her tail up high in the air like she’s definitely expecting a cuddling session. “…Have a good night.”

“Good night, Chu Wanning,” Mo Ran says, going back to sucking some more ice cream off the… well, of the ice cream he’s eating. For a moment, Chu Wanning stares at him; then, he stalks to his room, and closes the door behind himself and Plum.

Once left alone, Mo Ran decides that he’s going to finish the ice cream while still in the kitchen so that he can properly separate the trash. After that, he’s inevitably going to end up on his bed, fantasizing about taking Chu Wanning’s virginity, because the love of his life is still a virgin holy fuck this is better than winning the lottery, and that will inevitably lead to a good old masturbation session that he will have to conduct as quietly as humanly possible so that Chu Wanning never learns of this.

Considering just how often he’s already touched himself while Chu Wanning was home, Mo Ran isn’t all too concerned anymore. He’s gotten pretty good at this.

A smile still on his face from the day, he goes back to concentrating on finishing the ice cream before he has to go concentrate on his dick.

Chapter Text

Mo Ran’s heart is pounding in his chest when he walks towards the small tables on the outside of the café. He only told him where to go and when to go – not how they’d recognize each other, so Mo Ran will probably just have to ask around. However, given how Chu Wanning is…. He’s at least on time, right? Chu Wanning would never be so late, so neither would be his father. The guy who raised him. Mo Ran is sort of hesitant to call him his ‘father’, because it seems like he’s done a very bad job at being one.

It's going to be fine, he’s sure.

Before starting to look around the tables, though, he first pats his black shirt down, and fastens the hair tie so that the few strands that fit into it don’t fall out immediately.

The first people he sees are just two random women eating cake together, one of them who has severe eyebags and does not look okay – that’s probably why she’s here. Then, there’s a guy sitting alone at a table, reading a newspaper. A young couple that doesn’t have Tuesday classes, probably, being overly flirty in public (damn, Mo Ran wished he could be overly flirty in public with Chu Wanning).

Then, he sees someone that he does know, and is kind of relieved that he might get to have a short talk with someone to calm his nerves before getting to the real deal, unless…

No, this can’t be him.

It’s then that the man looks up and sees him too, their eyes meeting. Mo Ran walks over to him, trying to put on the largest grin while he takes off his headphones. He gives a short wave and nods.

“Hey, you’re the one who donated so much money, aren’t you?” he asks, at which the bald man gives a short nod. He’s not in a suit today, just a clean, white shirt, all buttons closed right up to his throat. He looks less serious like this anyways.

“Ah, you’re the youth that worked at the orphanage. What’s your name, young man?”

“Mo Ran,” he says, “really, that was a lot of money. May I ask for your name, sir?”

“Huaizui,” he responds, his gaze flicking to behind Mo Ran, then back to him.

“The money is no issue. It wasn’t that much at all. I have no need for it anymore, it was savings I had for other purposes that have become irrelevant.”

Once more, he glances behind Mo Ran, so Mo Ran ends up throwing a look over his shoulder, but there’s no one there.

“Are you looking for someone?” he asks, and the man gives a small sigh, and then a nod.

“Yes. I… agreed to meet my son here today. I haven’t seen him in a while, so I’m quite nervous.”

And Mo Ran instantly realizes that this is the man he was searching for. Now, him donating so much money makes a lot of sense, too. He must’ve felt horribly fucking guilty about how he left his son, searched up the damn orphanage he worked at hoping to meet him even though Mo Ran had long declared a time to meet up at for him, and then demand a shitload of money to ease his guilt, huh?

Mo Ran feels his face harden, and all positive feelings he might’ve had towards that man immediately fizzle into nothingness, any gratitude or whatever disappears in a split second.

Yet, he takes a deep breath, swallows, and then takes the chair opposite of him.

At that, Huaizui – Chu Wanning’s good-for-fucking-nothing father – looks confused.

Mo Ran however is very certain that he feels significantly less confused than when Chu Wanning suddenly found himself on the streets before even turning eighteen, so his pity is equal to just about zero.

“He won’t come,” he says, “I’m here in his stead. I was the one to text you.”

Somehow, the guy’s reaction doesn’t at all match what Mo Ran thought it might be. He doesn’t get angry or anything of the like. Instead, he just breathes out audibly, then smiles a little.

“I should’ve known he wasn’t going to see me. It’s quite alright. I do not blame him. Then, you are his coworker, I’m assuming? Did he send you instead because he didn’t want to see me?”

“Not exactly. Both of these things,” Mo Ran says, his fists clenched below the table. He’s in public. He specifically chose a public setting for this so that he’d be forced to remain somewhat calm, before he does things that he can never take back, because Mo Ran doesn’t trust himself and has never trusted himself. “I was there for him, because he has a cold at the moment, they needed an extra worker, and my family was there, and I’m friends with one of his coworkers, so they trust me. And… no. I stole his phone while he was asleep and texted you. He doesn’t… know of this.”

“I see. I suppose you have something to say to me, then?”

Oh, he surely does. Mo Ran nods, unsure where to even start. This man seems so… calm. Not angry at all. Not how he has imagined him whatsoever.

It’s jarring.

People can put on airs – Mo Ran is well aware of that. People can seem nice in public and be horrible abusive monsters in private.

Wasn’t he the same?

Deep down, isn’t he still the same?

“I do. I just-“

Now that he’s actually doing this, Mo Ran doesn’t at all know how and where to start. All he knows is that anger is still bubbling up inside of him, and he has to hold onto everything to not start screaming, and that effort is interfering with his ability to think.

In the end, all he croaks out is a little: “Why did you kick him out when he was still just a teenager?”

This time, Huaizui does look a little taken aback, as if he hadn’t expected anyone to know of this. The next second, he’s back to being all composed though.

“There were many reasons.”

“I don’t care,” Mo Ran spits out, “they weren’t good reasons at any rate now, were they?”

“No. They weren’t,” Huaizui agrees, “what’s done is done. At the time, I thought it was the right choice.”

As expected, he was going to be insufferable. Yes, he seems to agree that he didn’t kick his barely seventeen-year-old son out onto the streets for great reasons, but that attitude is absolutely pissing Mo Ran off.

“The right choice? To throw a teenager out, just because he didn’t want to, I don’t even fucking know, become a monk or doctor or lawyer or whatever? Or because he happened to be trans? That’s enough to throw a literal child onto the streets with no means to fend for himself?”

Towards the end, Mo Ran has gotten louder, and the two women from a table over look at them, the one with tired eyes sighing in annoyance, the other one who’s got a significant tan just blinking.

Deep breaths, Mo Ran instructs himself like Xue Zhengyong and sometimes Xue Meng used to when he got this angry, when he lashed out at them and yet they stuck around because at one point, he’d told them that no matter how angry they make him – being left alone would make him even angrier.

So they stayed, no matter what he said or did. They always forgave him.

“Partly. Not exactly,” Huaizui answers, staying calm no matter how much venom Mo Ran throws at him, apparently. “It was… more complicated than that. I adopted him out of guilt, originally. I do not want to tell this to a stranger. He’s the only one who should hear about this one day, not you. But… my reason for taking care of him wasn’t great to begin with, and then, I hoped he would live up to my expectations.”

“And he didn’t, because he’s trans and autistic, yeah?”

Only now does Mo Ran realize that no matter what – the guy is using the right pronouns for Chu Wanning, and he’s doing so absolutely flawlessly.

Somehow, that infuriates him even more.

“I suppose saying that… wouldn’t be wrong. His grades were good, so I did want him to become one of these jobs. But he… got obsessed with the idea of just working somewhere else, either as a teacher, or as a social worker, and he wouldn’t listen to me no matter how often I said that both of these jobs are very dangerous jobs to do, especially the latter. We had many arguments about this, and I genuinely did believe that I was trying to force him into a different job out of love. Don’t worry, young man, I know I was in the wrong now.”

“You threw him out,” Mo Ran repeats, “I don’t give a single shit whether you know that your actions were wrong. How does that excuse it in any way?”

“I… was angry that he defied me. That’s probably what this boils down to. I had in my mind the kind of life I wanted for him, and the kind of life I owed him. I was angry that this was not a life he wanted, even though he could so easily have it, all under the guise of… helping people.”

“What fucking guise,” Mo Ran hisses. “You were there on Sunday. You saw those kids. You saw his coworkers. Why the fuck are you implying that he isn’t actually helping people, or that it’s a guise or whatever?”

“It sounded pretentious,” Huaizui explains very shortly, looking into the coffee that he doesn’t seem to have drunk a lot of yet. “There are barely any people in the world that genuinely want to help others. All he sounded like was a spoiled brat who didn’t know what he was saying. If you had seen him at the time, perhaps you would have understood. There were not many dishes he would eat. He would freak out if plans were even a minute off. He couldn’t touch anyone for the life of him. He had meltdowns at the smallest things, at least a few a week. There was no way in hell he could’ve been a social worker, but no matter what I said, he wouldn’t listen to me.”

Perhaps Mo Ran would have understood – yeah, no way in hell would he have understood. If your child has a dream, then you do whatever you can to make them reach that dream. If that includes therapy, and testing out their boundaries together with them whether it works or not, you support them. Honestly, Mo Ran can imagine Chu Wanning exactly like that. While he’s a picky eater, he does eat many dishes now. Almost anything Mo Ran cooks, he eats. So, clearly that wasn’t an innate thing. Neither is the thing about plans, because while Chu Wanning tries to keep to a strict schedule, he makes changes, and while he doesn’t like them, he can handle them well enough.

Not that there’s anything wrong with people who can’t, but clearly, Chu Wanning is very much able to do these things.

Has Huaizui ever even considered that he might have been the problem?

That Chu Wanning has always been able and willing to try new food and change his plans, if only given help for it? If only he was told how to cope with whatever trouble arises from it? If only supported into being able to do these things? Has Huaizui ever considered that maybe, the fact that Chu Wanning is autistic was never the problem, but the fact no one gave him any damned autonomy about it?

Even so shortly after getting kicked out, Chu Wanning was eating most of the food at the orphanage, whether out of necessity or not, he ate it. When he didn’t, which did happen regularly, he would always try, and then still find something else to eat to make sure the kids wouldn’t take after his example of skipping a meal. When plans changed, he would seem nervous for a little while, but get around to it in the end.

Has Huaizui ever considered that all Chu Wanning needed was being given ways to deal with what made his life harder, instead of the assumption being made that he could never achieve what he wanted to achieve? If it hadn’t worked out, then that would be an entirely different thing, but even then – he would have still deserved support. He would have still deserved help and security and a home, but clearly, Huaizui saw a teenager struggling with being autistic because guess what, the world fucking sucks, and he didn’t even try?

Hell, Mo Ran’s ADHD hasn’t exactly been making it easy for him, either, throughout his entire life. The amount of poor grades he got simply because he missed deadlines is excruciating, and so is his barely working short term memory, but people never assumed that he couldn’t live with it.

Xue Zhengyong always just laughed, and tried finding ways for him so that he could remember, so that he could live as independently as possible, helping him set alarms and coming up with tasks to do while brushing his teeth so that it wouldn’t feel like death itself, boredom wise, to the point he’d avoid it. Yes, there might be things he can’t do, like doing literally any big task on time – but that doesn’t mean his family shouldn’t ever have tried to help him.

And Huaizui didn’t.

“He is,” Mo Ran says in the end, as the only thing his brain can come up with. “He is a social worker. He hates changes in plans, but he can cope with them. He tries everything I cook for him. I haven’t ever seen him have a meltdown, even. He’s a teacher. And a social worker. He’s both at the same time, and if he couldn’t have been, then fine, but clearly he can! So why would you just assume that he can’t?”

Once more, people are staring at him, but by now, Mo Ran really isn’t sure he cares anymore. Then, they can stare. Then they can all know what this man did to the guy he’s loved for fifteen years. Hell, the entire world can know.

“I shouldn’t have,” Huaizui say, again, agreeing. “I shouldn’t have assumed that. I should have supported him to help him do whatever he could, and if he hadn’t been able to, I should’ve helped him find a compromise.”

It’s then that Mo Ran stands up, hands on the table, the chair dangerously close to falling over; luckily, it doesn’t, it just wobbles in place. This time, when he speaks up, he at least isn’t loud.

“So why didn’t you? Why did you reject him?”

“Because I didn’t think that he could save anyone the way he was. In the end, I was worried. I went about it the wrong way.”

“Didn’t you kick him out because he’s trans?”

“That was the last straw. Mind you… I do not mind people being trans. I minded it for him, though, because I expected him to be a girl, but in the end, that wasn’t who he was. But that’s when I snapped. I didn’t mean to throw him out forever. I told him to come back in a day or two, after we had both cooled down, and I gave him money and told him to take a hotel room, but… he never came back.”

“Even temporarily!” Mo Ran says, “if he was struggling so much, then why would you do something that would make him even worse? Why would you ever expect him to return if this is what you said to him? That he can’t save anyone?”

Now, Huaizui does drink from his cup. That infuriating smile is still on his lips, and he looks up at Mo Ran almost as if he’s looking down on him instead.

“Because I assumed he wouldn’t be able to live without me. I was wrong. I couldn’t even track him down anymore. I didn’t know where he was until I started searching his name up online, and even though he didn’t change his phone number, he never texted me back. I thought… I thought he would return once he realized that he’s unable to live without me, and that he’s unable to save others. That it doesn’t matter whether he saves others or not, because in the end, what difference would it make?”

It’s that which eventually sets Mo Ran off for good. He grits his teeth, the rage slowly crawling from his toes to his head faster than any coping method he’s ever been taught could help, and tears rise into his eyes.

“So it doesn’t matter that I’m still here? It doesn’t matter that he saved my life? It doesn’t matter that I’m still alive, is that what you’re saying? I know he saved more than just me, but even if it really had been just me – wouldn’t that have been more than enough? Wouldn’t saving just one life have been much more than enough?”

If he’s crying, then fine. He doesn’t care. If Chu Wanning’s father deems it not manly enough, Mo Ran couldn’t care less, because everything Chu Wanning and Xue Zhengyong and Madam Wang and his mom have ever taught him was that crying is okay.

He chooses to believe them.

“Isn’t it better to at the very least try?”

“Young man,” Huaizui huffs, closing his eyes for a little, then looking at the seat, but Mo Ran actually refuses to sit back down, because he thinks he’s just about done here, actually. “I already said that I have since reconsidered the matter. I know it’s not true now. I ran into that little girl, and she was chatting on and on about him before she ran into me. I found some of the places he was employed at, and figured that he has made a difference. I found that he became a professor despite working another job, and found that most articles were positive, too. And… I’ve grown older, and less stuck up. I know I was in the wrong. But I can’t make it undone anymore. All I can do is try to repent.”

“No amount of repenting will be enough,” Mo Ran says, blinking through his tears, “you have no idea what it’s like to live on the streets. And he was all alone. At least I had my mom, but he- he had no one. He still thinks he has no one. You have no idea just how lonely he looks even though he’s not lonely at all. You have no idea just how lonely of a person he is because you made him feel that way.”

His heart hurts just at the thought of how frail Chu Wanning looked yesterday when they were having that cake to celebrate Xue Meng’s loss of virginity, how lost he looked within all these people, how it always took much longer for him to respond to anyone because he seemed to contemplate every single word he was going to say. His heart hurts thinking about how he had looked so damned broken when he was trying to explain to Kora how he couldn’t adopt her, when everything about him was screaming that he would love to do nothing more than that, because, Mo Ran doesn’t know, he thinks he doesn’t deserve it, probably, or some utter bullshit like that.

Because he thinks he might end up like his father.

“I know. That’s why… I started reaching out to him, at one point. I wanted to apologize. And I know I can’t undo it… but that was the least I can do. That’s why I donated so much money. I’ll donate even more if he wants me to, I don’t mind. If he thinks that this money will go towards a good goal, and that it’ll make him achieve his dream just a bit more, then I’m willing to spend it.”

“This isn’t about money,” Mo Ran says, his fists now on the table. They’re trembling. From the corner of his eye, he sees the waiter look at him, too. “This is about the fact that you did something to your own son that could never be taken back, no matter how hard you try, and he just- He just has to live with now. And he still does. And he has to live with the fact that the person he once probably trusted the most believed that he could never save anyone, that it was all in vain, and yet- yet I am here, am I not? Because he did. He saved me. Without him, I’d long-“

“May I ask you again? Who are you to him?”

“I…” Mo Ran says, but he doesn’t know how to answer. Instead, he clenches his teeth and tenses up and lets out one stupidly loud sob.

“Why would you have done all of this to him when all he wanted was for someone to tell him that he has a place to come back to?”

He can’t care anymore, not whether he’s shouting or crying or whatever, because all Mo Ran has ever wanted was for Chu Wanning to stay, and he didn’t do that, so if he knows anything, it’s the pain of being left.

Except Chu Wanning wouldn’t have deserted him for no reason.

Huaizui, however, did – because his reasons weren’t reasons at all. They were egoism, nothing more.

“Sir…” the waiter starts, suddenly very close to him, looking at Mo Ran with an uncertain gaze, the two women a table over also look just about ready to interfere.

Right when he’s about to say that he gets it, he’ll leave, he has nothing more to say to this man other than begging him not to bother the man Mo Ran loves anymore, there’s a hand gripping his shoulder.

“I’ll deal with him.”

His voice is cold and smooth in Mo Ran’s ear, his hand warm as his fingers dig into Mo Ran’s flesh so hard it hurts, but it brings him back to reality.

He whips his head around to stare at Chu Wanning, who’s looking straight past him, and instead at Huaizui.

His voice isn’t just cold and smooth – it also just sounds scared as hell.

When he turns to Mo Ran though, it’s immediately just filled with anger, despite how level it sounds.

“Mo Ran. What do you think you’re doing here?”

“I-“

Mo Ran doesn’t know where to start or end, because cold panic sets in; he looks down at Chu Wanning, but he feels just like a child that’s being scolded.

“I was wondering why you were so strangely nervous over the past few days,” he hisses, “it’s nice to know you’d go behind my back like this and-“

“No!” breaks free from Mo Ran’s mouth, “it wasn’t- like that. I don’t know how much you heard, but I-“

“He said nothing but positive things about you,” Huaizui says in the end, looking up at both of them. He isn’t standing up or trying to approach Chu Wanning in any way, Mo Ran notices. He’s giving him space, even taking his chair back by a few centimeters. “It’s not his fault. He did nothing but try to get me to stop texting you, I’d assume. I won’t reach out to you again if you don’t want me to. I understand. But please don’t blame him. He meant well.”

“I,” Chu Wanning starts, once more gazing at his father, but this time, it’s steady and fierce, “do not care what you do, and I’m not sure for how long I haven’t cared. I care about what Mo Ran is thinking he’s doing here, talking to you when I neither asked him to do this, neither did he ask me about doing this.”

This is the worst possible outcome, because Mo Ran genuinely hadn’t wanted Chu Wanning to ever learn of this. He had just wanted to get Huaizui to not text him again, so that he’d have to stop seeing that godforsaken hurt look on his face.

“I understand,” Huaizui says, “just… one thing.”

“Be quick about it, I have an idiot to drag home”, Chu Wanning says, and no matter how angry he sounds, no matter how much the fingers on Mo Ran’s shoulders hurt – he can’t help but think that they’re clinging to him. That he said ‘home’, meaning he regards that small flat as such, meaning that they’re still going to go ‘home’ together.

“If you do ever want to reach out to me… feel free to. I have to apologize for a lot. But I will stop pressuring you about it. If you don’t want these apologies, then… that’s my fault. I do not blame you. And… keep him around. He means well. He might be a little stubborn and hot-headed, but his heart is in the right place.”

“Do not tell me what to do. But- I’ll text you back. Not today. Not tomorrow. Probably not next week, but- whatever.”

Then, Chu Wanning does something that Mo Ran sincerely hadn’t expected him to do. He averts his gaze away from Huaizui, instead looking back up at Mo Ran. And, with red-rimmed eyes and more colour on his face and his eyebrows all furrowed as if he’s in so much pain, he grabs Mo Ran’s hand.

He clasps it in his, or at least tries to with his hand being so much smaller than Mo Ran’s. His thumb is pressing into his index finger, Mo Ran’s resting on the back of his hand, slightly, the rest of his fingers pressing into his knuckles and fingers wherever they can reach.

“Do not,” he says, this time directed at Mo Ran, that quiet anger in his voice again, but below it all, there’s hurt. There’s so much hurt and pain and fear, so all Mo Ran knows how to do is squeeze his hand back and cling to him just like Chu Wanning is clinging to him right now. “Say a word. Until we’re through the door. I don’t want to hear it. Whatever shitty excuse you have, I don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m… happy that you’re settled,” Huaizui suddenly says, with a sort of appreciative look at Mo Ran, “and, Chu Wanning… I’m proud of you. You’ve become a fine young ma-“

“I’m not talking to you, and I’ve already said so! So now shut up.”

Throwing one more defiant glance at his father, whom he hasn’t seen ever since he was seventeen, fifteen whole years ago, Chu Wanning starts to walk, dragging a still perplex Mo Ran behind him, and never letting go off his hand for the entire way.

Whatever Chu Wanning has to say to him, whether he’s angry or not, Mo Ran isn’t sure just how much he can care right now.

Not when his trembling hand is so warm inside of his, not when Chu Wanning is so desperately holding onto him like no one else could ever save him.

Not even Mo Ran’s fear of just what he has overheard about their conversation can erase the way they’re clinging to each other for dear life and perhaps have been doing so for fifteen whole years.

*

Once the door clicks shut, Chu Wanning doesn’t let go of his hand. He holds it for another few seconds, a tremble going through him again, and only then does he untangle his fingers from Mo Ran’s.

Mo Ran’s hand feels all sweaty. He isn’t sure whether it’s because of his hand or Chu Wanning’s or both.

“I-“ he starts, but Chu Wanning immediately turns around to him with a gaze that would make anyone shut up, so Mo Ran shuts up. All he’s missing is a whip or whatever, because Mo Ran damn well feels like he might just be about to get whipped to death, actually.

“Shut your mouth,” Chu Wanning hisses, taking a step closer to him, causing Mo Ran to back against the door a little, knowing that Chu Wanning isn’t very comfortable with close body contact. However, he presses a single finger to Mo Ran’s chest for just a bit, then seems to calm himself after all.

However, it’s that calming himself which seems to actually set him off, unshackle him from whatever restraints he was desperately holding onto, because the next time he speaks up, he’s straight up screaming.

And Mo Ran doesn’t blame him a single bit.

“What were you thinking doing that, Mo Ran?” he asks, “how did you even ask to meet him? Are you in on something I’m not aware of? Do you know him? Why the hell were you talking to my father of all people? And-“

He chokes on the last question and never finishes it, so Mo Ran can only answer the previous ones.

“I don’t- really know him,” he says, “I met him once. At the charity event. He was the guy who donated so much money, but I didn’t know that was him, Chu Wanning, I swear-“

“Then what where you doing there? Why and how did you meet?”

He has to admit it. There’d no way past that, and if Chu Wanning hates him because he’s actually obsessive and compulsive and manipulative and unstable, then at least he’s hating him for the right reasons.

“Your phone. When you were asleep when you were sick, I took your phone.”

“How did you get in?”

His voice is still so loud, and it does hurt Mo Ran, but if anything, it feels like he deserves it. He’d probably feel much more horrible if Chu Wanning was to speak quietly, or even worse, understandingly.

“I saw you do your lockscreen thing once, and remembered it. Not- not on purpose though. Just from the corner of my eye. You should- change it.”

“Oh, I will, because you’re not going to be looking through my private devices again. And why?”

“Because-“

Mo Ran gulps.

“How much of that conversation did you hear?”

His question, in contrast to Chu Wanning’s, is much quieter. It’s barely a breath between them, and only then does Mo Ran notice just how close they’re standing, and just how disheveled Chu Wanning really looks. His hair is in disarray from walking here so fast, he’s panting, his cheeks are flushed, his eyes glittering with something that might be tears; but he isn’t crying.

“Why is that relevant? Did you gossip about me after all?”

“No!” Mo Ran says, “I just- I talked about myself to him, too, and I- there’s things I don’t usually tell people. I- there’s something I only really told Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si once, while I was wasted, and I only told dad and my Mengmeng the other day, so…”

At that, Chu Wanning seems to soften a little, as if knowing that no one would tell him anything about themselves.

As if knowing that no one is close enough to him for something like that to ever occur.

And Mo Ran wants to tell him, but not when he’s so disappointed in him, because how could Mo Ran bear being rejected for who he is?

Maybe he could – but that little kid couldn’t. He already couldn’t back then. He already hated Chu Wanning for so long. He can’t hate him again.

“Only the last sentence. I saw my father first, and I didn’t realize it was you, because I’m not used to you wearing your hair tied up. And- all I have to say to that is that you’re not the person to decide what I want and don’t want.”

It’s Mo Ran’s turn to breathe in relief and laugh now, just once, desperately so. He didn’t hear. He didn’t hear about who he is. Mo Ran doesn’t have to deal with disappointing Chu Wanning so much when as a kid, he would always swear that he’d never disappoint him, that he’d work hard again so that when they met again, he could face him proudly.

Yet, all he ever does is hurt him, huh?

“Okay. Okay. No, I was- I wasn’t gossiping about you. Please believe me, I was just- I was so angry on your behalf. I couldn’t- I couldn’t believe you got kicked out at such a young age, and… as someone who did live on the streets for several years, I know well enough how much that sucks. And I was mad. I was just really mad, and it was a really impulsive decision of me to go talk to him, and I probably shouldn’t have, but if you asked me whether I’m sorry- I’m not. I’m not sorry. I said to him what I had to say. And I was in the right to say this to him.”

“Maybe,” Chu Wanning concedes. He flicks the sleeves of his long shirt once, until his hands half-disappear into it, as if he’s trying to hide. “Maybe, it’s your right to reprehend him on the account of someone who’s gone through something similar. But it’s not your right to reprehend him on my behalf. You’re my student, Mo Ran. You don’t know much about me at all. Frankly, all you know about my past is maybe what my biography on the university’s website says, a few things about what food I like and don’t like, and that I was homeless for a bit over a year. Nothing else. You don’t know me as a person, at all.”

Yeah. Those words hurt. Those words really hurt, but also, Mo Ran is incredibly glad that Chu Wanning really doesn’t seem to know who he is, so that’s good enough. And even if Mo Ran knows he’s wrong, because that’s not all he knows about him, it still drives tears back into his own eyes.

For a bit, Chu Wanning seems taken aback by that, staring at him with big eyes when Mo Ran tries desperately to wipe away his tears, but doesn’t really manage.

“I just felt- I just felt like you’d been really wronged. He told me why he kicked you out and- none of that was right. He shouldn’t just have decided what you can and can’t do-“

“What did he tell you?” Chu Wanning asks, and finally, his voice is getting a little quieter. Maybe it’s Mo Ran’s tears. He doesn’t know.

“That- that he didn’t think you could become a social worker because of you being autistic. Because of food and meltdowns and plans and stuff.”

Chu Wanning’s only response to that is a laugh.

“What utter-“

He doesn’t say a curse words, but Mo Ran thinks he’s pretty damn close for sure.

“What utter nonsense,” he says instead, “yes, he’s not wrong, but how much of that was his fault? How did he think I felt when he reprimanded me for freaking out even a tiny bit about plans changing to the point I got scared of even freaking out about it to begin with? How does he think anyone would want to eat that bland stuff for the rest of his life apart from him? How could I not grow sick of it at one point? I’ve worked with so many autistic kids over the years, and some of them did like only bland food, but others didn’t, so- he genuinely believed everyone is the same or what? He didn’t even listen to me every time I brought up what I’d like to change!”

So, in short, what Mo Ran is gathering, is that Huaizui was unnecessarily overprotective of Chu Wanning for being autistic, without ever asking him what he personally needs, running off assumptions, and then getting mad about when Chu Wanning actually ended up having meltdowns that he had wanted to avoid in first place?

Sounds about right. That’s the exact vibe Mo Ran got from the man himself.

Still. This was about the most Chu Wanning openly shared about his own feelings with him, so Mo Ran will take what he can get; he’ll lick it up like a dog would lick up crumbs of bread from the floor in a desperate attempt to get his fill, take it as his hope that Chu Wanning doesn’t hate him, that deep down, he can trust him regardless.

“I’m- sorry,” Mo Ran said, “that’s exactly why I went to talk to him, because I just… I was mad. I’m still mad on your behalf, and even if I don’t get to speak for you- that wasn’t what I meant to do. To begin with. I didn’t want to speak over you. I wanted him to leave you alone, honestly. You looked so sad when he texted you, and I just… I didn’t want to see that look on your face again. That’s all. I didn’t want to see you this sad.”

“And why would you care about me being sad?” Chu Wanning asks. His voice is calmer now, more collected, but still not entirely steady. It’s still piercing and a little scared, and he’s redirecting the attention from himself again, a guilty look on his face, as if he hadn’t wanted to overshare. “I’m your professor. I’m no one in particular to you, and even if you call me your friend, logically, we’re not, Mo Ran. I live with you out of convenience, because I haven’t found a flat yet. I will most certainly be gone by next semester, and I can reject you from all of my classes if needed.”

“You- you wouldn’t do that,” Mo Ran stutters, “the other professors all suck.”

“You haven’t received your grades yet.”

“So what? I’m learning more with you than with any of them. And- I see you as a friend. You… don’t have to see me as a friend, though,” Mo Ran says. Again, he wipes away some of his tears. “I’m long used to liking people in a way that they don’t like me, so it’s… no matter. But I see you as a friend, and I care about you, and I don’t care about what you think about that. I didn’t want him to continue hurting you. That’s all. Are you mad at me?”

Chu Wanning looks at him like he’s actually stupid now.

“Of course I’m mad at you! You went and met my father whom I have been avoiding for fifteen years, and talked to him about me on top of that. Of course I’m mad at you, Mo Ran.”

“Yeah, that… figures.”

“And I need you to stop saying ridiculous things such as you being my friend. You’re my student, and it would be highly unprofessional to be friends with my student.”

“Yes, Prof. Are you still mad at-“

“You just asked me that not even a minute ago. Yes, I’m still mad at you. Just- I’ll go to my room now. I don’t want to talk about this any longer. I need to calm down myself, because while I’m mad at you, I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you, either.”

“Okay, Prof, I get it,” Mo Ran mumbles, just feeling strangely dejected now that he knows Chu Wanning is mad at him.

“I’m leaving Plum with you.”

“Yes. Alright,” Mo Ran says, “can we- can we talk about this again later?”

“I don’t see what else there is to talk about.“

“When you’re not mad with me anymore. Whenever that is. Even if it’s in a year. I don’t care.”

At that, Chu Wanning seems to soften a bit further. He gives a very curt nod, and then disappears into his room before Mo Ran can ask him anything else again. He closes the door pretty loudly, and even goes so far as to turn the key inside of it. Mo Ran sinks against the door to their flat, and takes a few deep breaths.

He hasn’t made a mistake. Not even Chu Wanning can make him feel like he’s made a mistake, because he didn’t mean to speak on his behalf, or speak over him, but for him. All Mo Ran wanted to do was speak for the person who saved his life and affirm that his own life has value, still. Even if he’s hurt so many people in his life, including Chu Wanning now.

His hand is still all warm.

No, he thinks. Chu Wanning is mad at him.

But he doesn’t hate him.

He didn’t hold his hand like he wanted to kill him. He held his hand like it was the only thing keeping him here.

*

It’s three hours until Mo Ran so much as dares to knock on Chu Wanning’s door, and he would’ve probably put it off for longer if not for Plum meowing at it and then almost starting to scratch it, which they can’t have, because they can’t have anyone knowing that a cat lives here.

“Prof?”

However, there’s no answer – but he does hear something.

“Are you serious? Why would I be his father?”

Mo Ran absolutely freezes right then and there. Huh? Hello? Chu Wanning? A father?

“I’ve told you I’m not. I have no connections to whoever the hell his father is, and frankly, I don’t even know who it is, neither do I have any interest in the matter. I’m calling because-“

There’s quiet for a bit.

“Yes, I understand, I’m not privy to this information. Yes. I understand. Thank you for your time.”

That last bit sounds like Chu Wanning isn’t at all thanking whoever the hell he’s calling.

Mo Ran knocks again. It takes a bit for Chu Wanning to open the door still, but in the end, he does.

“What do you want?” he asks, and Mo Ran is honestly a little bit shocked at his state. He wouldn’t be that concerned about his red eyes (fuck, he cried, he totally cried, fuck, how is Mo Ran meant to live with that information) or his chapped lips or the small crinkles next to his eyes like he’s actually getting old (Mo Ran will nut on the spot if he thinks about that for even just a second longer), if only he wasn’t…

Wearing that shirt Mo Ran gave him once. The light blue one with the rainbow on it.

Why the fuck has Chu Wanning changed into his t-shirt?

“Don’t stare at me like that, and answer my question.”

“I-“ Mo Ran says, barely even sure what he came here for again. In the end, he asks something he hadn’t even meant to ask. “Who were you on the phone with?”

For a second, it looks like Chu Wanning wants to make some sort of snide comment; in the end, however, he only swallows it down. Mo Ran watches him as a small look of defeat makes it way across his face again.

“I called one of the orphanages I used to work at. There is a child I would like to have contact with now that they’re undoubtedly older, but since I stopped working there, and since the kid isn’t at the facility anymore, I’m not allowed to receive any information. That’s all. It’s no matter.”

Mo Ran feels his heart quiver.

“Oh,” he says, “I’m sorry they… won’t tell you. I have a friend who might be able to-“

“I’m not,” Chu Wanning interrupts him, “going to hack into any systems, thank you, Mo Ran.”

Ah. He looked right through his plan.

“…Well, the offer stands,” Mo Ran laughs awkwardly, “Any reason in particular you called them now?”

“I met with Shi Mei earlier.”

Oh – that must’ve been why he was out. Wait.

“Shouldn’t you have been in class?”

“There was a guest lecture during my time slot, and I encouraged my graduate students to go there instead, as it is helpful for them to meet more people in the academic world if they wish to stay in it. Why?”

“…Because I kind of… planned with that. When meeting with your father. So that you definitely wouldn’t be there.”

Immediately, there’s a sour look on Chu Wanning’s face, clearly not happy about the mention of his father, but in the end resigning.

“No, I was meeting Shi Mei, since we do not talk as much as we could, and I did half-raise him. No matter what… happened during that time. He reminded me that there’s someone else I’d like to have contact with again.”

Whatever delusional part exists of Mo Ran, he hopes so direly that maybe… that’s him?

Maybe Chu Wanning is in fact looking for him, and he’s right here in front of him, and Chu Wanning doesn’t even know?

“Do you… Are you in contact with any others?”

“Hm. With some I exchange messages sometimes, with others letters. You said you’re in contact with whatever man was working with you? How did he find you?”

“Ah, I found him, actually!” Mo Ran says, weirdly happy not just that he once more gets to brag about Chu Wanning right in front of him, but also just relieved that their conversation feels normal. His heart and body still feel heavy, and his mind is still whirling, and still feels like a crying child and angry adult all at the same time, but at the very least, they can talk again. “Just- online, sort of. I searched up his name and found him. It was quite easy, really-“

“I see,” Chu Wanning says, interrupting him again. “It must be easier this way around. What are you here for?”

So, he won’t find out just who the kid is, but he probably shouldn’t be too conceited, either. Chu Wanning must have worked with hundreds of children at this point. And even if he tried finding him – surely not for so many years.

“Ah… I made dinner. You… should eat something, too. I hope you’ll like it. It’s- I haven’t tried it yet, to be fair, and this time, I’m not all too confident.”

“I’ll eat in my room.”

“Say-“ Mo Ran says, blocking the door, and if that’s pathetic, then that’s whatever to him. He deserves to be pathetic for once. “I genuinely meant it when I said that I didn’t insult you to him, not in any way. I meant it when I said that I only… wanted to tell him all the things he’s done wrong, because I was mad, because I care about you. Do you at least… believe me about these things?”

Chu Wanning rearranges the shirt he’s wearing, looking strangely uncomfortable at the question. Mo Ran can’t get over the fact that he’s wearing his shirt, and that he’s apparently just kind of stolen it.

…Could he get away with sneaking another shirt of his into his laundry, when he’s drying it, or would that go too far?

Hell, Chu Wanning just made it clear that they’re not even friends, why would Mo Ran dare to think that?

“Kind of,” he mutters in the end.

“What of these things do you not believe?” Mo Ran asks, but he feels like he knows. Before he can stop himself, he reaches out for Chu Wanning’s hand, just about ready to be lowered from tugging at his (Mo Ran’s) shirt. His fingers are much colder than earlier.

Plum bumps her head into his calf, then Chu Wanning’s.

“I meant that, too. That I care about you. Whether you care about me, or not. But I do.”

“Stop talking already. Fine, fine, I believe you. Happy now-“

“No. Are you still mad at me?”

“Mo Ran, you can’t keep asking me the same question. I’m still mad at you. I’ll be mad at you for a while. I don’t hate you, but I’m mad at you.”

Right. That makes sense. A lot of sense, actually, because if Mo Ran was him, he’d probably also be really mad. He can’t blame him for this. His hand is so small. He notices that specifically when Chu Wanning rips it out of Mo Ran’s grasp, and instead stuffs it into his pocket.

“I’ll stop being mad at you. I- just give me some time. I’m only human, too.”

“I know,” Mo Ran says. “That’s… why I was so upset. Because he didn’t seem to have treated you like one. Everyone has different needs. He shouldn’t have been forcing anything onto you. Much less what you wanted to do with your life. I just… I don’t know, I didn’t want to make you mad, that’s why I wanted to do it in secret. I wanted him to stop messaging you so that you’d gain some sort of agency about this matter.”

“I haven’t blocked him. That’s enough agency for me,” Chu Wanning says. “I’m old enough, and I can take perfectly fine care of myself, Mo Ran.”

“No- I know. I know you can. Well… apart from cleaning that is.”

“Mo-“

“What? I’m just telling the truth!”

“I can clean!”

“Then why aren’t you doing it?” he asks with a look around all the clutter in his room. For example, Plum is currently sniffing an empty tissue box on the ground, and reaches inside of it with her nuzzle, only to resurface with a small, pink ball of fluff, that Mo Ran instantly recognizes as the mascot of a shoujo anime he begged Xue Meng to watch with him – not because he wanted to, but because clearly, Xue Meng wanted to.

“Plum!” Chu Wanning screeches, bounding towards her, as if absolutely terrified that Mo Ran just discovered that secret of his. They haven’t even been watching shounen anime for long, and Chu Wanning went off on his own to watch a shoujo?

…And liked it enough to buy merchandise from it? Expensive merchandise at that, because Mo Ran once looked into buying the very same thing for Xue Meng?

“It’s for a friend!” Chu Wanning yelps with a glare, ripping it out of Plum’s mouth, throwing it onto his bed (she immediately jumps after it), where it hits the small husky plushie he owns, then throwing the tissue box into the trashcan. “For a friend.”

“Uh-huh,” Mo Ran repeats with a smile on his face. “For a friend. So, whether you’re mad at me or not, you want dinner? You can eat if your room if you want. I don’t mind.”

“It’s fine,” Chu Wanning says, fiddling with the string of the sweatpants he’s wearing. “I can’t avoid you anyways, so I’ll eat with you.”

Finally, relief blooms in Mo Ran’s chest, and he exhales, feeling an honest smile creep onto his face. He’s hurt Chu Wanning, and he’s mad at him, and he probably feels betrayed, but he doesn’t hate him. Chu Wanning doesn’t hate him, and he might be able to forgive him, and he’s already willing to have dinner with him again.

“Alright! Then come, unless you’re not hungry? But we didn’t have lunch, so I’m assuming…”

“I’ll eat,” Chu Wanning sighs, “even if it’s arguably not dinnertime, nor is it lunchtime.”

“I’ll make another snack for later tonight so you can have three meals, if you want?”

“Mn.”

That seemed like an affirmation. Mo Ran shoots him the best smile he can manage right now.

“Okay! Then uh… take a look at whatever the hell I tried to make.”

“…That does not bode well.”

Together, they make their way towards the kitchen, and even if it still feels awkward, Mo Ran can feel that they’re both somewhat trying right now, no matter how much Mo Ran might’ve hurt him doing this, and no matter how much Chu Wanning might’ve hurt Mo Ran too, simply by being angry with him.

Like Mo Ran has thought, Chu Wanning immediately lights up at seeing a cake covered in chocolate on the kitchen table.

“It’s, uh… chocolate osmanthus cake. I haven’t tried yet. I’m not sure the combo works at all,” Mo Ran laughs, “but I figured you really like both, and sometimes it’s worth trying cursed things. If it doesn’t taste good, I’ll force it onto my dad, he’s too polite to say if it tastes bad.”

“Don’t do that,” Chu Wanning sighs, but sits down anyways, and grabs a piece. “It’s fine. Osmanthus chocolate is a thing. Have you never had any?”

“…I didn’t know that was a thing, no,” Mo Ran laughs, sitting down opposite of him and grabbing a piece himself. “Well, then luckily, the combo wasn’t that cursed after all, huh? If you kick me out of the course, I’ll just open my own bakery or whatever.”

Chu Wanning is already stuffing his mouth full of cake – except in his usual, refined manner, which shouldn’t work as well as it does, given the speed he’s eating at right now.

“I’m not going to do that,” he explains, and then, the edge slipping off the features of his face, he adds, “but you could open a bakery.”

Chapter Text

When Chu Wanning rings the bell on Xue Zhengyong’s door, it already opens, as if by itself. However, who steps out isn’t the only person he could possibly bear to call his friend, but instead a scrawny teenager with black hair, holding a laptop bag and a folder. He nods at him awkwardly, and makes his way down the stairs instead, Chu Wanning looking after him in confusion for a bit.

“Ah, that was just my future teaching assistant. He was here for his Bachelor’s thesis advice session today, though, but he’s gonna formally apply next semester, he’s pretty good.”

“…At your home? Isn’t that terribly unprofessional?” Chu Wanning asks, cocking an eyebrow at Xue Zhengyong, dressed in shorts and a short button up, while Chu Wanning is wearing long cotton pants, because he doesn’t feel all too comfortable going outside in shorts.

“Well, at least I have an AC here,” he says, “it’s way too hot today. My office doesn’t have one. Obviously we met there first, but I was giving him proper feedback on the first draft and everything, so I figured that if it takes longer, we might as well move it to some place with an AC, and the mall wasn’t exactly an option. And he lives in that student housing the street down, so you know.”

Right.

Chu Wanning shouldn’t be surprised at the things this man does anymore, which apparently includes inviting students to his home for advise on their theses. To be fair – that’s probably why he’s so well-liked in his department, Chu Wanning is pretty sure. He both feels like a professor, and not at all at the same time.

He wished he could say the same about himself.

“Alright, alright, come in, the hallway is terribly hot in comparison,” he laughs, patting Chu Wanning’s shoulder a few times and gently but also firmly pushing him through the door as if to make sure he doesn’t escape again. Because yeah, Chu Wanning would very much like to escape.

He has no idea why he’s doing this. It’s probably because yesterday upset him so much – but what else is he supposed to feel if not upset?

After seeing Huaizui again after so many years, without any mental preparation, just downtown, casually having coffee with Mo Ran?

Okay, Mo Ran wasn’t actually having any coffee, but his point stands.

“Hm,” he makes, stepping inside, and absentmindedly starting to fiddle with his keys in his pockets; Xue Zhengyong seems to notice because of the jingling sound, so he immediately stops, which just gets him another sigh. In theory, he knows that Xue Zhengyong doesn’t mind him stimming and all of that, but Huaizui always made him feel guilty for making any noise with it, so he stops anyways.

“Can I offer you something? I still have some peach iced tea from when Meng-er and my wife were over. Anything else, food wise?”

“…I have food,” Chu Wanning says, pointing at the bag slung around his shoulder, because him and Mo Ran quickly realized that they have way too much cake now, “iced tea is fine though.”

“Got it.”

All naturally, Xue Zhengyong walks into his kitchen to grab plates and glasses, only taking some sparkling water for himself and downing it in almost one go. Right, his student only left just now; he probably hasn’t drunk a lot during that time.

“Sit down, come on, did Ran-er make something? What’s it this time, I thought you were all celebrating my son’s… ahem with raspberry tiramisu cake?”

“…We finished it. And don’t remind me.”

He says that, but really, he enjoyed it. Ye Wangxi and Nangong Si are a little older, and in truth, they’re not that much younger than Chu Wanning. Of course they’re at a vastly different stage in life and all that, but they don’t feel much younger at all. Chu Wanning doesn’t have any friends his own age, and Xue Zhengyong has already turned fifty this year – he’s arguably further away in age than even Mo Ran. But the small party (with the worst reason for having it ever, but) was so… comfortable. Even though it was too many people for Chu Wanning’s taste, six including him because another one of Ye Wangxi’s friends joined them midway through, he barely minded. In actuality, the fact that Ye Wangxi and her friend were both there, and they so openly talked about being trans felt near-surreal. Chu Wanning hasn’t ever told anyone. Mo Ran is the only one who knows, and of course Huaizui, but Mo Ran, he didn’t even have to tell. He just went by his new name and his new pronouns to try and bury that past below his feet as much as he possibly could.

But it turned out that that’s not the only thing you can do. That you can be open about it, but that concept is so foreign to him.

Even if it’s something you can theoretically do – he probably can’t.

Yet, he’s going to try just this once.

“Right, right. What’s it then?”

“…Chocolate osmanthus cake,” Chu Wanning says, grabbing the lunchbox that Mo Ran put some pieces into for him and his uncle before he left earlier.

It’s been horribly awkward between them. They had cake, and then some fried rice later, but their conversations were forced at best. The same went for today, with Chu Wanning making sure that he’d be out of the house before Mo Ran even woke up, even if he usually makes breakfast for the two of them.

“Oh, that sounds amazing. Never tried that, but osmanthus chocolate is great, so I’m sure Ran-er did well. Any special occasion today? You know, I really don’t mind you asking me to meet up, but that doesn’t happen often.”

That much is true. Usually, it’s Xue Zhengyong who asks to meet him, because Chu Wanning never knows when it’s appropriate. But today when he came back from his first class after realizing that he brought nothing for lunch and also forgot his wallet, Mo Ran was on the phone with Ye Wangxi, asking whether he could go over to hers today to talk about the stuff that happened yesterday.

And then, Chu Wanning may or may not have tried to just go online and google what one should do when feeling like he does right now, which is angry, sad, betrayed, hurt on so many levels by so many people, and also like he’s back in the body of his sixteen-year-old self, like he’s only just left home and had to make do with living in abandoned buildings whenever he was lucky enough to find one. The answers were to speak to friends about it (for the “normal” emotions), and to desperately search therapy for complex post-traumatic stress disorder for what is apparently an emotional flashback.

Chu Wanning has heartily decided to ignore the latter, forever.

“I… needed someone to talk to,” he forces out, awkwardly standing in front of the table until Xue Zhengyong stares at him intently and low-key threateningly enough to make him sit down.

Awkwardly he clutches at his glass of iced tea as if it could make this conversation any easier.

“Good,” Xue Zhengyong says, his facial expression softening into his usual relaxed one, and something akin to pride, which Chu Wanning may or may not be weak as hell to because he feels like his father was never proud of him. “You can always talk to me, about whatever. I don’t mind. That’s what friends are there for.”

“I… know,” Chu Wanning says stiffly. “It’s just- something happened, and I’m not sure what to do. I’ll probably be fine with time, but…”

He doesn’t know how to go about this at all, because he’s never tried talking to someone like this, not unless it was in a fit of rage like yesterday with Mo Ran. But he has to tell someone. He has to just talk this over with someone for once.

“It’s fine,” Xue Zhengyong says. For a moment, he looks like he’s going to reach over the table to touch Chu Wanning’s hand or something, but in the end, he doesn’t. “Just because things get better with time doesn’t mean you’ve ought to keep quiet about them. Is it work-related or something personal? Oh no. Did Mo Ran do something-“

“…Well, yeah,” Chu Wanning responds, because that’s exactly what happened.

“Oh no. He didn’t get all angry with you and stuff? It happens sometimes, and he usually doesn’t mean it, he’s just had a hard time-“

“Nothing like that,” Chu Wanning shuts him down, because arguably, this is so much worse. He wished Mo Ran had just shouted at him or something instead. At least he’s used to shouting.

He wished Huaizui had just shouted at him, too.

“Okay. What’d he do then?”

“It’s- complicated,” Chu Wanning says, “you… do know that I’ve long gone no contact with my father, correct?”

“Yeah, you mentioned that once. Oh.”

Clearly, Xue Zhengyong seems to realize what Mo Ran might have done.

“No, he didn’t.”

“He… met my father yesterday, and I saw him. He didn’t mean for me to see them anyway, I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I told Mo Ran… a tiny bit about my father, when I was sick and clearly not in my right mind. I know he didn’t talk to him because he likes him or whatever. I know and- I also believe him, when he says that he did it because he wanted to just… I don’t know. Tell him what he’d done wrong, given Mo Ran’s also…”

Chu Wanning knows that Mo Ran’s father is completely out of the picture, and that there is no connection whatsoever. He wished he had been strong enough to just block Huaizui, but he’d always feel so horribly guilty about it, because what if Huaizui genuinely changed, and genuinely became a good father?

And then yesterday, he actually went and referred to him with his right name and pronouns and all of that, and he told him that he should keep Mo Ran around because clearly he’s a good guy, and why the hell did he have to sound like a father all of a sudden?

“Haaah, that boy,” Xue Zhengyong sighs, massaging his temples for a few seconds as if utterly exhausted with his own son. “Honestly, I wished I could say that I’m surprised, but I’m really not. He’s always like that. Mo Ran makes a lot of bad choices, but his bad choices are either made to hurt himself in some way, or to hurt people that hurt the ones close to him. He’s always been like that ever since he was young, but this time, he’s definitely overstepped. I’m assuming he had a go at him?”

“Probably. I only heard the last part and-“

It was about how all he really wanted was a home to return to.

And that hurt.

If he hadn’t said that, Chu Wanning would’ve stayed hidden just a little longer, because then he could’ve actually listened in on their conversation, but that was just too much, because he was so right.

All Chu Wanning has ever really wanted was a home to return to, whether it was a space or a person. Really, partly, he viewed Plum as his home. He viewed Kora as a home, even if only temporarily for both of them, because cats’ lifespans aren’t exactly long, and he’s still trying so hard to convince himself that he’s going to hurt Kora somewhere along the way.

But he’s found it. He’s long found it in Mo Ran, when he first ate those scallion pancakes and he just let himself enjoy them because they tasted like home.

It’s precisely why he doesn’t want to move out, and he knows it’s selfish, but how could he bear to move out of his home all of a sudden?

“Yeah. It seemed like he had a go at him. we… talked about it a little. I was really angry, but I told him some of the stuff my father did, because Mo Ran told me some of the stuff he said.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Chu Wanning, that’s just how I know him. If there’s… anything I can do, talking to him or something…”

“…No need,” Chu Wanning says, but through gritted teeth, “I already did talk to him. He’s not really sorry. Well, I guess he’s sorry for betraying my trust or whatever, but he’s not sorry for doing it, but his reason is- really stupid.”

“Let me guess,” Xue Zhengyong answers, suddenly a smile on his face, “he’s not sorry, because he did it because he cares, and because he deserved to hear it anyways?”

“Yes. That’s just about it.”

Chu Wanning takes a sip from his iced tea because he doesn’t know what else to say. The entire internet was going on and on about how much talking to friends would help, but Chu Wanning didn’t consider how truly unable he is to do that.

“Just to clarify. Are you mad at Mo Ran, or are you mad at your father? Because you don’t sound… really mad at Mo Ran specifically. I don’t want to assume though, so…”

Oh no.

Chu Wanning swallows hard, looking up at Xue Zhengyong in the pure hope that he’s not going to actually have guessed it. Because yeah, the truth is – he isn’t. Not exactly, at least. He’s mad at the fact that Mo Ran did it behind his back. Of course he wouldn’t have allowed him to do that either way. But…

He’s not mad that Mo Ran did it to begin with. He’s just mad that it was behind his back, which of course was still Mo Ran’s decision, but strangely enough, Chu Wanning does believe him. He does believe Mo Ran that he was upset on his behalf and he just… He’s never felt warmer inside.

This is the first time someone did something like this for him, out of pure care, because- he cares. Mo Ran seems to actually care about him, and that just baffles him, so stupidly hard, because why would he?

So, no, he’s not mad with Mo Ran for doing this. Hell, how could he be? How could he be mad about these scraps of affection that aren’t total scraps?

Besides, his father probably deserved to hear whatever Mo Ran said to him. Chu Wanning finds that he trusts Mo Ran enough to have said the right things. He probably did, considering he did say that he was on the streets for a while.

“I…” he starts, swallowing a little. “Of course I’m mad.”

However, Xue Zhengyong knows him, and that realization makes Chu Wanning deeply uncomfortable somehow.

“You should probably let him know just what exactly you’re mad about. You know, he doesn’t look it, but Mo Ran’s very sensitive about these things. If you’re not mad at him for presumably screaming at your father, you should let him know.”

Yeah, he knows, because while Xue Zhengyong isn’t always the most aware of other people, Chu Wanning supposes everyone could see.

“Look,” he laughs, “if my father was awful, which luckily he wasn’t, and my wife stood up for me like that, then-“

“Do not compare me and Mo Ran to you and your wife!” Chu Wanning snaps before he can stop himself, simply because that’s too much. The implication behind that is otherwise going to kill him, and if there’s anyone he doesn’t want to know, it’s Xue Zhengyong, because that’s literally Mo Ran’s father.

“Okay, look, basically what I’m saying is, let Mo Ran know that. Tell him clearly what he can and can’t do. If you’re not mad at him for going off on your father, then he’s ought to know that. He won’t do it again if you tell him not to, but… well, I guess all I’m saying is, don’t push him away, alright?”

“I know,” Chu Wanning huffs, closing his fingers around the glass more. “I’ll… try, later. You’re right. I’m not… I…”

See? He can’t even fucking talk about this stuff. Xue Zhengyong seems to realize that, because he starts helpfully supplying for Chu Wanning, probably just so that he doesn’t have to say the words out loud that are so hard to get past his lips.

“You feel flattered by him doing this for you, because it shows that he cares?”

“Yeah.”

At least he can manage a single answer. Chu Wanning is so acutely aware that he struggles with communication. He’s genuinely been trying his best for years now, especially because of the kids, and he’d like to think he’s made great progress. He might’ve never gone to therapy because he’d rather die than do that, but he’s at least tried doing his own research to find out what could work for him. He’s bad at saying things out loud and has to force himself, but it’s strangely fine when it’s kids. But now with adults, and especially if it’s about feelings other than him having to apologize for snapping every once in a while?

“You… probably won’t tell me what exactly your father did, right? I mean, I don’t want to pry, and it’s probably not my place to ask, but…”

“It’s fine,” Chu Wanning answers, and means it. Mo Ran already knows anyways, who knows whether he isn’t going to go prattle to his father about this. And besides, he’s known Xue Zhengyong for so long now. Strangely enough, he doesn’t feel like just telling him a bit would be a bad thing. It probably just proves how much Chu Wanning actually trusts him. “It’s… there were a lot of things that went wrong, but in the end, he kicked me out because I wasn’t who he thought I was, in a lot of ways. Mostly, it was about the kind of work I wanted to do, because he thought it was pretentious or whatever. I was homeless for a year before I went to college, and I told Mo Ran as much, and I suppose that set him off, given that he told me he was homeless for a while as a child. That’s all.”

“That’s all,” Xue Zhengyong says, “you know, you can’t just say these things so casually. That’s a horrible thing to do. If you ever want to give me your father’s number, I’ll have a go at him, too, actually. I can’t even imagine kicking out Meng-er or Ran-er.”

“Well, he’s just my adopted father, not my biological one.”

“Neither of these children is my biological child, either, and I still absolutely don’t understand,” Xue Zhengyong says, “no. Ran-er was in the right, then. I understand that he overstepped in many ways, but if he hadn’t done it and you’d told me, I might’ve just done the same.”

Yeah.

Chu Wanning really sees where Mo Ran got it from. With that father, anyone would probably end up like this. Not that it’s a bad thing.

“Yeah. I suppose… if I had a child, I don’t think I could fathom doing that, either,” he sighs, “speaking of which. Enough about me, this whole thing isn’t the only reason I’m here. I talked about it, that’s enough for now.”

He does feel better, weirdly enough, Lighter. Even if they didn’t really go into depth. Maybe the internet was right. Maybe this does help.

“Hm?”

“You know… when Kora said this stuff. I know I declined and all of that, but… how hard is the adoption process, really, just in case I would ever- consider. I mean, I can’t right now. I don’t even have a flat. Neither do I have a partner, nor will I probably ever have one. But I know that it’s incorrect what I told her, I know that a single person can adopt.”

It still feels awkward asking about this, but truth be told, if he wants to make any progress as a person, and if he wants to make sure he doesn’t hurt the ones around him and make them do the work he’s too scared to do, like screaming at his father, then he still has a long way to go, clearly.

“Uh… it depends. It wasn’t hard for Meng-er, because Jiang Xi agreed, and obviously so did my wife. For Ran-er, it was different, because originally, we’d thought he might be my dead brother’s child, given the location and all of it. In the end… we learned that his child died. But we were already in the process, and we’d heard a lot about him from the orphanage and stuff, and we wanted to give him a home because we found that we couldn’t just stop now. It was more complicated, though. You do have to go through a lot, many inspections, and Kora would have to be officially up for adoption.”

“Yeah, she isn’t,” Chu Wanning says, “not yet. But… okay. If I ever… if I would ever do such a thing would you- would you-“

“Yeah, yeah, of course I’d help you, that’s what friends are there for, Chu Wanning!”

…Of course. Why was he ever concerned? Why was Chu Wanning ever concerned that Xue Zhengyong wouldn’t help him? That’s good to know, at least.

“Say, about you searching for an apartment and all. My neighbours here are moving out, actually, and the flats are pretty spacious. I mean, you can see mine. Kitchen, bathroom, proper hallway, living room, two bedrooms, all of that. You should definitely be able to pay that with your salary, right?”

What?

For a bit, Chu Wanning only blinks at him, and then around the flat. He supposes the one next door probably mirrors Xue Zhengyong’s, and yeah – this is a big flat, and it’s not like Chu Wanning is going to move towns, unless he gets kicked out of university for lusting after his student and best friend’s son, but he also once more talked to Shi Mei about that yesterday and told him that was absolutely not the case. Not that he thinks Shi Mei would tell. Hua Binan, though, he just might.

But…

“Would they accept me?”

“Eh, of course families are prioritized given the size, but you can at least try, right? I mean, it’s close to university, so the people applying would mostly be people who work here anyway. You might as well try and see whether you get in, right? I can put in a good word for you and mention that you might adopt a child soon.”

“Not anytime soon,” Chu Wanning says, “it’d take at least a few years. And I- haven’t made the decision yet. It’s just… a thought I had. But I’m not sure whether I’m fit to be a father.”

“At any rate, it’s not like you wouldn’t have people who can step in if you need a day for yourself. I’m always willing to babysit, so’s my wife and Xue Meng when he comes to study here next semester, and so is Ran-er.”

“Mo Ran is my student.”

Somehow, that gets him a cocked eyebrow.

“Say, Chu Wanning, when you said you probably won’t ever have a partner, is that because you don’t want to?”

What?

How did they get from this to that of all things?

This time, it’s not even the glass of iced tea that he grips.

This time, it’s the whole damned table, and he stares at Xue Zhengyong with what he must think has got to be a very sour look.

“I’m just asking, hey! You know, some folks are aromantic and all of that. No issues with that of course, my children are both queer, Mo Ran’s whole circle of friends is trans, basically, you know I don’t take any issues with this kind of stuff!”

“I…” he starts, because yes, he’s well aware that Xue Zhengyong doesn’t care about such things. Why would he? Xue Meng has two boyfriends now. Mo Ran is very clearly bisexual. His friends are all trans. Chu Wanning is pretty certain he remembers getting drunk with Xue Zhengyong and some of his colleagues once, and Xue Zhengyong even talking about making out with a guy in the school bathroom when he was fourteen.

Of course he knows, but the thing is-

“I don’t know,” he says, “I don’t know much about that stuff, but I’ve never been-“

-in love.

The words get stuck in his throat, because that’s a lie now, isn’t it?

Because he is in love. Horribly so. To the point that he can’t even be mad at Mo Ran for what he’s done, to the point he feels flattered by it, to the point that he thinks it’s hot that Mo Ran knew the password to his phone. Like, his brain has got to be broken.

“Hm?”

“I… I mean-“ he stutters, “I just mean, I’m probably never going to have a relationship. I’m not sure how I would go about that. To begin with. There’s no one that… would.”

Xue Zhengyong stares at him like he’s gone insane.

“Didn’t you say Shi Mei and Hua Binan had crushes on you?”

“Well- they’re kids I’ve taken care of. Obviously I couldn’t. Besides, I never felt that way about them. Also, they must’ve been mislead by me in some way, because there’s no reason as to why such a thing…”

His friend’s stare turns into something that even Chu Wanning, autistic and unable to read people as he is, can decipher to be ‘oh wow, okay, you have much more issues than I had previously thought’.

“That’s… no, I don’t think they were joking, Chu Wanning. Anyone else who’s ever caught your eye?”

Why the hell does this feel like it’s heading into a very wrong direction? Chu Wanning would love to stop talking about this, but at the same time, something inside of him is wondering whether it’d hurt to say it out loud just this once. After all, maybe Xue Zhengyong knows something – Mo Ran is his son, and some kids do tell their parents when they’re in love-

Holy shit.

Why would he even so much as dare to think that Mo Ran could possibly be in love with him? Chu Wanning is twelve years his senior, and Mo Ran is his best friend’s child. At most, he sees Chu Wanning as some weird and annoying uncle.

Except… he doesn’t, right?

Because he went to scream at his father, and it’s led to Chu Wanning trying to keep his brain from assaulting him with the delusion that perhaps, Mo Ran’s feelings run a bit deeper than he had first dared to assume, too.

Obviously, that’s not the case. He knows that just all too well. He’s not a loveable person. He didn’t think he could ever love someone, and if that’s what ‘aromantic’ means, then Chu Wanning thought for most of his life that’s what he was. He knows it’s not all that black and white, so that might still be the case in some way. Mo Ran is the only person he’s ever felt attracted to in that way. He hadn’t known that was possible.

He also hadn’t known the amount of pain that comes with it, and he would’ve loved to avoid it altogether.

So, what is he even meant to tell Xue Zhengyong? Nothing, surely. Whether or not he’s his friend is irrelevant. Xue Zhengyong is a professor, too. No matter the stupid joke he made at the charity event, that remains a fact. He’d have to report him. Besides, Mo Ran is still his son.

Chu Wanning wouldn’t want any parent to have to deal with him being their son’s boyfriend.

(Part of him also supplies that he’s trans, that no one could ever love him just on account of that alone – but Mo Ran didn’t care a single bit. He thinks that even if there are a lot of issues that could keep Mo Ran from even thinking about loving him back, this isn’t one of them.)

“Why are you asking me?” is what he responds with eventually, and it seems like that’s exactly when Xue Zhengyong drops his pretenses a little.

“Actually, I have a suspicion, Chu Wanning. I don’t want you to feel pressured, and I of course wouldn’t go tell anyone, because you’re both adults, but I’d like to ask-“

“Don’t ask me things I can’t answer,” he says, but his voice falters, everything inside of him still yearning to just tell someone and ask someone for help, for possibly the first time in his life, because he’s fed up.

Ever since falling in love with Mo Ran, Chu Wanning has been so fed up with being alone.

“You can answer,” Xue Zhengyong says, and reaches across the table to tap Chu Wanning’s knuckles a few times. “I won’t tell. No one. I know you wouldn’t let such a thing affect your grading, and as long as you two would be-“

“I’m not,” Chu Wanning spits out, “in love with Mo Ran.”

However, that answer seems to have been the wrong one, because Xue Zhengyong smiles at him anyways, like he knows, like no answer Chu Wanning could’ve given would’ve changed his mind about what he believed to be true.

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell him. That’s for you to sort out. But all I’m saying is that maybe, you should talk to him about that, too. You know. Having a partner does help with the adoption thing, but of course if you can’t…”

“I’m not telling him,” Chu Wanning says, punching the table just once and glaring at him. “Also, don’t run with assumptions, I just said I don’t-“

“I know a lie when I see it, even if it might’ve been my wifey to raise the idea to me and convince me that she’s right,” Xue Zhengyong laughs, and Chu Wanning has a strong feeling that if Xue Zhengyong was any braver, he’d be ruffling is hair, because it damn well looks like it; but in the end, all he does is keep smiling. Good. Chu Wanning might kill him.

“I’m sorry,” bursts out of Chu Wanning instead. “I don’t- I’m not going to do anything about it. He’s your son, and first and foremost, he’s my student. I’m not doing anything. I didn’t mean to… I didn’t mean to. I feel guilty enough as it is. So there’s no need to… reprimand me.”

“I… wasn’t planning to? I don’t care. You’re adults, and frankly, you’ve been a lot happier ever since you’ve moved in with him, and the same goes for Mo Ran. If you two ended up together, all I’d be is happy for you, and cover up for you as much as I can until he’s graduated. Hence, if you have the flat next to mine, you could always invite him over! He could just be going towards mine, although, uhm, keep it down, I don’t want to hear that stuff, haha-“

“Stop! Don’t just- don’t just run with it! None of that is going to happen!” Chu Wanning shouts, and he doesn’t even feel bad for getting loud, because this time, he is absolutely fully justified. He also knows he’s blushing, and he’s trying his best to pretend he isn’t.

“And why not?”

“Because Mo Ran very obviously doesn’t like me back!”

That came out much angrier than he had meant to. It also came out a lot more hurt than he had meant to. Aggrieved, Chu Wanning sinks back into his chair.

“Have you asked, though? You can’t know these things unless you talk to someone.”

“Do you know something I don’t? Why would I talk to him about this, it’s ridiculous,” Chu Wanning says, trying his absolute best to remain as calm as he can, but after what happened yesterday, after he’s just been feeling like he’s a stupid kid that thought his father loved him, after all that it’s just so hard. The least he can do is not cry, though.

“All I’m saying is that you should talk to him about this, because keeping it all on the inside isn’t a good thing. Mo Ran wouldn’t report you no matter what, because he’s not stupid.”

“…I can’t,” Chu Wanning says. He grits his teeth and refuses to think about the way Xue Zhengyong dodged his question. He refuses to think about the possibility of Mo Ran liking him back any further, because no matter what, that can’t be the case.

Chu Wanning is still coming around to the fact that people might like him. He couldn’t come around to people loving him, not yet.

“Okay. Then you don’t. That’s okay, too. It’s just… I get you’ve had it rough for a lot of your life, and I don’t even know a lot of it. But you deserve good things, you know? You’re still young, and you should live your life a little more. If that’s with my son, that’s completely fine by me. I just think you should cut yourself some slack sometime.”

“Easier said than done,” Chu Wanning sighs, but he also knows that really, he deserves it. He deserves everything. Of course, he knows now that he wasn’t really at fault for the things his father said or did to him. but he also knows damn well that he did something so horribly similar to that little boy.

“Yeah. I can imagine that. But if there’s anything I can do to help, you can always let me know.”

“…Thank you,” Chu Wanning manages to say at least, and he does mean it. He means it so much. He’s still working on being able to say some things and talk about some stuff, so it’ll still take some time, but one day, he’s going to properly take Xue Zhengyong up on the offer.

Not now, and not tomorrow, just like he’s not going to text his father all too soon, but one day, he’ll do it.

At least, when Xue Zhengyong talks to him like this, it makes Chu Wanning think that he isn’t yet out of time.

*

“So, what do you want to drink?”

“Vodka or something equally strong,” Mo Ran responds, and once more, Ye Wangxi only gives him that same vague look of exhaustion.

“I’m not offering you alcohol when you’re clearly unwell. We’ve talked about this. It never ends well. I’m not willing to clean my toilet again in case you throw up, because I just did that before you came here.”

“…Fine,” Mo Ran concedes, because of course he wouldn’t want his best friend to have to clean the toilet twice in a row. “You got iced tea?”

“Sure, it’s summer,” Ye Wangxi says, and immediately heads for the fridge to grab Mo Ran a glass of cherry iced tea. That’s a good flavour, to be fair. He will accept that.

He lets himself fall onto her and Nangong Si’s sofa, her joining him just a few seconds later, putting the glass down on the table in front of them.

“So? What’s up? Did something happen with your professor?”

“Hey. Stop teasing,” Mo Ran says, narrowing his eyes at the slight smile on her face which is clearly meant to make fun of him, even if only a little bit. “I mean, yeah, but it’s fully my fault, so I can’t really complain or anything of the like.”

“Oh no. What did you do this time? Don’t tell me if it’s anything sexual, please-“

“It isn’t,” Mo Ran yelps, “I haven’t been able to get into his pants yet. I wished I was. Trust me, that’d be the first thing I’d be telling you, no matter how it had gone. God fucking damnit, I wished this was about sex. If I don’t get to fuck him soon, then-“

“Mo Ran. Get to the point.”

Alright. No ranting about how much he wants to fuck Chu Wanning on their kitchen table then, goddamnit. He’s got a really boring best friend, and maybe he’s ought to get a new one. Maybe the younger Mei Hanxue, because he’d most certainly listen to him. Then again, does Mo Ran want details about his little brother’s sex life? Well, no. And he’d certainly be receiving these if he were to talk to that guy about sex.

“Alright. I may or may not have stolen his phone while he was asleep with a fever to tell his shitty father to meet up with me, and I may or may not have gone through with it, and-“
He stops for a second when he sees the absolute most concern on Ye Wangxi’s face he’s ever seen.

“I didn’t hurt him!” he says, interrupting himself, “I didn’t kill him, he’s physically fine! I just screamed at him, and then I got really upset because he was being a motherfucking douchebag, and then Chu Wanning came, and now he’s like, really mad at me.”

“Rightfully so. For so many reasons.”

“I know,” Mo Ran grumbles, pulling both of his legs up onto the sofa. He really is sorry. He knows he shouldn’t have done this. Yeah, he meant it – he’s not sorry for screaming at Huaizui. But he’s sorry for stealing Chu Wanning’s phone and meeting his father without talking to him about it, because whatever choice he had made, he should have respected it. “I’m really sorry. I did apologize. He did accept it, but he’s really mad at me. I can’t stand him being mad at me.”

“You can’t stand anyone being mad at you,” Ye Wangxi laughs, and does wrap an arm around him until Mo Ran allows himself to sink into her shoulder a bit. Even if she is of the same opinion as Chu Wanning (rightfully so, as she has already said), at least she’s still offering him some comfort.

Actually, Mo Ran had wanted to talk to his father about this, but in the end, he realized that if there’s anyone Chu Wanning would want to talk to, it’d be him. And, in the end, it seems like he is doing exactly that, because Xue Zhengyong texted him earlier that Chu Wanning will come over.

It’s good that Chu Wanning has just… been talking, though. In the beginning when he lived with him, that was scarce. Of course he told him what not to do, and then he was upset about Mo Ran finding his pantyliners or whatever (which was so hot to him, but Chu Wanning doesn’t have to know that), but apart from that, there was not a lot of communication going on. Especially not about himself. So, he does appreciate that. And he did clearly try yesterday.

“I know. I’m just… Huaizui deserved it. He’s a horrible father. Well, it seems like he’s now aware that he’s done a lot of things wrong, and I guess that’s good, and he used the right pronouns and stuff… but still. He did imply that it doesn’t really matter whether Chu Wanning has saved anyone or not.”

“And that was what you took personally?”

“Yeah,” Mo Ran sighs, fiddling with his hands a little bit in an attempt to calm himself down in any way. He just feels kind of awful now. It’s always the same; first comes the anger, and then the absolute unreasonable amount of depression. That might not ever change. Whatever. Even if it feels like it’s never going to end, he knows it will, and Chu Wanning will probably stop being mad at him again. “I don’t know. I just didn’t like him implying that it doesn’t matter whether I lived or died, you know?”

“Yeah. I’d be mad too, if I were you. I mean, for the record, Mo Ran, I don’t blame you. If A-Si’s dad came back properly and started doing all this awful bullshit again, then I... might just be forced to do the same. But I also get that Chu Wanning is upset. I mean… at the end of the day, you’re just his student. No offense.”

“Ugh. I know,” Mo Ran makes with a little huff of breath, reaching for his iced tea to drink some, then drop back against Ye Wangxi. “I know. I don’t think he knows, anyways. That said, he did call someone yesterday to inquire about a child from some place he once worked at, and I was just thinking… what if that’s me? I mean, it’s probably very presumptuous and stuff, and really stupid to hope for, but even if he hasn’t forgotten me, he would’ve probably stopped looking after a while, right?”

Somehow, that makes Ye Wangxi’s expression turn incredibly sour.

“…Huh?”

“Ugh, don’t get me started,” she sighs, “Nangong Yan.”

“Oh my god. Forget my tea,” Mo Ran says, immediately perking up, because Nangong family drama is exactly what he needs right now. That will help cheer him up and remind him that he’s not the only person in his world with a lot of drama going on in their life right now. Not that his is particularly bad, really. He just can’t stand the thought of Chu Wanning being mad at him, that’s all, and it’s making him stupidly upset. “Forget all about my tea. Tell me the Nangong family tea immediately, holy shit.”

For a while, Ye Wangxi looks at him like he’s gone mad, but then, she seems to realize that it’s his attempt at distracting himself, so she just plays along. It’s not like she can do a lot for him anyways. It’s all Mo Ran’s mistake, and he’ll just have to wait, he supposes.

“Fine. Alright. Remember how Nangong Yan threw out his ex while pregnant or whatever? Yeah, anyways, he’s given up searching for her, because apparently, he’s found an old friend of hers somehow, and she’s died after all, which isn’t… a surprise. Apparently, the kid survived, though, so he’s been calling orphanages everywhere, and he seems to have found the one the child was at, but the kid’s adoptive family apparently made it extremely clear that there is no want or need for contact.”

“Oh my God,” Mo Ran says, “that is so juicy. Anyways, I did the same actually, so I get it. Whoever my father is, he can’t be anything good, so me and my adoptive parents signed the whole stuff to not give out any information and to please respect that. Wouldn’t want to see an old geezer like this anyways.”

“Oh, yeah. We all understand, except for him. Even A-Si tried to talk to him, and to instead focus on his legal charges, just because he wanted him to leave the poor kid alone. Which means a lot. A-Si cannot usually control himself like that. You should’ve seen him, Mo Ran, he was so angry, but he was acting all smile-y telling him to not get into prison, as if that isn’t where we all want him to end up.”

“He’s got a daughter though, doesn’t he? What’d happen to her then?” he asks, and to this, all Ye Wangxi does is shrug.

“A-Si’s mom said she’d be fine taking care of her if need be. We could jump in, too. She’s not a little kid anymore, she’s like, fourteen. As long as Nangong Liu doesn’t get ahold of her.”

“Nah, fuck that guy,” Mo Ran says, but honestly, he is a bit worried about the kid. These things never go down prettily, but she’d probably be in a better place with literally anyone else, so.

“So, yeah, the Nangong family drama is as piping hot as always. Nothing new. We’re all just mad he’s trying to find a child he abandoned, god, what? Two decades ago or more? Never thinking about them before? Absolute idiot. So, you know, good that there is apparently two women who are now pressing legal charges against him for god knows what. He won’t tell, and it might be better if we never learn of it.”

Given that it’s two women specifically, Mo Ran can sadly guess. At this point, he is willing to adopt that daughter, actually.

“Hope he gets locked up,” he says, and fucking means it. He really hopes he gets locked up, for everyone’s sake.

“Yeah. It’s all quite bleak,” Ye Wangxi sighs, “so I get it. Honestly, I’m glad Nangong Si did the talking that time, even though he’s normally not good at that. I might’ve just exploded. So I understand you absolutely. Is Chu Wanning fine, though? He doesn’t seem the type to talk about these things.”

“Not really, no. But he’s meeting with dad today, so he’s… hopefully talking a little. it’s fine. I’m just… hoping that he can forgive me and, you know, stop being mad.”

“You should tell him,” Ye Wangxi suddenly says.

“Huh?”

“Both that you’re in love with him, and who you are, Mo Ran. He deserves to know. No matter whether you’re the kid he was looking for or not, that’s enough of a sign that he definitely cares about the people he worked with. At one point, it might just become mean of you to not tell him.”

“I know. I just…”

“You just want him to not see you as a little kid, right? Yeah, I know. But Mo Ran, he’s lived together with you for a while now, and you’re clearly not a kid.”

“Nah, I’m not, because a kid wouldn’t fervently jerk off to the memory of his red-rimmed eyes because he’s definitely cried yesterday, and god, I feel so fucked in the head for that, but I didn’t make that choice, my dick made it for me. I hate myself sometimes.”

“…I hate you for ever telling me this, actually,” Ye Wangxi says, which is when she moves to literally the other side of the sofa just so she doesn’t have to deal with Mo Ran being gross in such a direct vicinity. He doesn’t even blame her, because what he said was admittedly pretty bad.

“Sorry,” he laughs. “I’m just… I’m just so in love with him. I think… if anything, I’d want to confess to him first. And I know he probably doesn’t like me back that way, but… it’s probably the less painful thing to tell him. I just can’t do it quite yet, because we still live together, and that’d be horribly awkward.”

“Fair. Yeah, no, maybe don’t do it while you still live together, that’s a good point, actually. But you’ll tell him one day, right?”

“Maybe. If I think I stand any chance at all, I will. Sorry, my constant yapping must be pretty fucking annoying at this point.”

“It’s fine, because your constant yapping was basically how I met you,” Ye Wangxi says, and now, she does move closer again, until she’s properly hugging Mo Ran. “If there’s anything else I can do, you just let me know. I can keep my phone in my lap in class in case you need me or something.”

“No… I don’t think that’s necessary anymore. I can handle myself well enough, I think,” Mo Ran says, because no matter how unstable he feels…

He doesn’t absolutely hate himself. He doesn’t think that he should be dead or anything, just that him and Chu Wanning should perhaps talk again, and that Ye Wangxi is right – one day, he does have to tell him, before Chu Wanning learns from someone else, or realizes it by himself. Not today. He’s too unstable for that, but…

If he ever thinks that Chu Wanning might actually like him back, he’d tell him.

For a bit, yesterday, he did think so. The way Chu Wanning was clutching to his hand was… there was something insanely intimate about the way they held hands. Every single damned second, Mo Ran wanted so desperately to intertwine their fingers and make sure he would never let go.

Surely, it means something that in this moment, Chu Wanning relied on him to keep him steady?

Surely it at least means that he doesn’t see him as a little child?

“Okay. Just let me know what you need. If you need me to talk to him, I’ll also do that.”

“…No worries about such a thing. I can talk to him myself. Whenever I’m back home, or he’s back home, depending on who’s later, I’ll talk to him again. Not about any of this, but- I’ll make sure he knows I’m like, not mad at him for being mad or something, at least.”

“That’s a good idea,” Ye Wangxi says, brushing through his hair a few times. Mo Ran leans into the gesture. Even if Chu Wanning does abandon him again, at least he’d still have Ye Wangxi. Unless he actually kills Huaizui, she won’t leave, either.

“I’m fine, just… hold me for a bit, okay?” he asks, and she nods, so she just holds him.

And truly, for now, that’s everything Mo Ran needs.

Chapter Text

Luckily, Chu Wanning has the keys this time, so that he doesn’t have to ring the doorbell. He’s pretty sure Mo Ran is already home anyways, considering that it’s eight at night already. He’s kind of hungry, so he kind of hopes Mo Ran has either made something new, or that there’s enough leftover rice and cake for Chu Wanning to get by.

It did feel good to talk to Xue Zhengyong about all of this. He didn’t say much more about how he’s in love with Mo Ran, because that just felt too awkward, but they talked about this and that, and even if he still feels rather awful about having seen Huaizui again, at least this offered a distraction, so he’s in a slightly better mood now. He’s also steeled himself to tell Mo Ran that he isn’t mad about him screaming at Huaizui and standing up for him, because Xue Zhengyong is right – he should clarify that.

He drops the keys on the sideboard and then gets out of his shoes. Plum doesn’t come running up to him, which is weird, because usually that’s what she does when he comes home. He still has to shower, too.

Whatever. He’ll just have an early night tonight, then. Really, Chu Wanning can take changes in his routine, but then he won’t be able to carry out what he had planned for the rest of the day, which is the more upsetting part. These days though, he gets around. Besides, getting more sleep than usual would probably be a good idea, given just how mentally exhausted he still is.

Mo Ran’s door is wide open when he walks past on his way to the kitchen to check for food, and it’s then he realizes why Plum didn’t greet him like she would’ve otherwise done.
That’s because Mo Ran is lying on his bed, Plum on his chest, eyes closed, breathing steadily and kind of bordering on snoring, actually. His face is completely relaxed, and it makes him look a lot younger despite the fact he’s clearly an adult man. Rather, he looks his age. It makes Chu Wanning both much more disgusted with himself for being thirty-two and in love with a twenty-year-old, and it also just…

It makes him fall so much harder. His mouth is opened in the slightest. It’s just too easy to imagine himself leaning down and kissing him right now. Would he even wake up for it, as deeply asleep ash he currently is? If it was just a really light kiss, considering Chu Wanning hasn’t ever kissed anyone, anyways?

What would it even feel like for him? If it was just once, if he could just dream about Mo Ran and him kissing one single time?

But he’s his student, and Chu Wanning has a sense of self-preservation, and also kissing someone without their consent is not something he would do for so, so many reasons.

So, instead, he lets his gaze glide further down, namely towards the white cat curled up comfortably on Mo Ran’s chest, above his arms that he’s crossed, probably to hold her there. Her face is pressed into his chin, and she doesn’t seem to be asleep, instead purring quietly.

The picture is… so peaceful. It feels almost as peaceful as when they were eating lunch here with Kora.

Chu Wanning might not kiss him, but he does something else that he probably shouldn’t. He moves closer despite himself, heartbeat accelerating with every centimeter that he gets closer to Mo Ran, before he kneels down as quietly as he can. Then, his fingers trembling a little, he reaches out. Just to stroke a strand of hair out of his face before it annoys Mo Ran in his sleep or whatever.

He barely even grazes his forehead with his fingertips, but his heart stutters so much, anyways.

He held his hand for so long yesterday, and yet, he still doesn’t have enough? What is he, some old lecherous man? He surely feels like it. But-

All Chu Wanning knows is that he wants Mo Ran to touch him. He wants it even more ever since he talked to his father, ever since he saw him getting so angry on his behalf, all he wanted was just… while walking home, all Chu Wanning really wanted was for Mo Ran to hug him. He wanted him to comfort him and kiss him and then go back to hugging him and just hold him, and now, seeing him lying here like this, Plum on his chest, it’s once more everything he really and truly wants.

It hurts so bad.

The pure need to be held by Mo Ran hurts somewhere so deep inside, because he knows that he can never have it.

Only when Mo Ran suddenly stirs does he realize his fingers are still on his forehead, closer to his temple now, never having lowered them.

And then, a quiet sound makes its way past Mo Ran’s lips.

“…Wanning…”

It’s mumbled, a tired little grumble falling from his tongue as if it’s nothing, and it’s just… It’s just Chu Wanning’s given name. That, and nothing else.

He freezes right then and there, even when Mo Ran opens his eyes and definitely sees the way that Chu Wanning is kneeling in front of him, having stroked hair out of his face, looking at him like this.

Grip. Chu Wanning needs to get a grip right now. Come on, come on, he tells himself, get up, get away from him, you absolute creep.

So, he gets away, stumbling back a few steps after standing up, as Mo Ran slowly comes to his senses, looking just about as mortified as Chu Wanning.

“I just- wanted to wake you up,” Chu Wanning clarifies, “it’s past eight- if you nap now, you’re not going to sleep much today.”

“I-“ Mo Ran starts, still holding onto Plum, but looking only at Chu Wanning, “I’m sorry for, uhm, calling you just that-“

“It’s fine,” Chu Wanning says, because what else is he going to do? Scold Mo Ran, when that sole address by just his given name made his palms sweaty and his mouth dry and the love inside of him so overwhelming that he feels dizzy with it? “It’s fine. If you’d wanted to call me that, you should’ve just told me so.”

“…Eh?”

Mo Ran blinks at him once, twice, thrice. Then again. His eyes barely even open with what must still be sleep clinging to him. He looks so soft. Chu Wanning didn’t notice it from up close somehow, but he hasn’t shaved in a few days, apparently. There’s a stubble on his chin, and for some godforsaken reason, that’s the hottest thing Chu Wanning has ever seen.

He gulps heavily around the arousal spiking inside of him because he doesn’t need horniness right now. That’s so not the point of any of this, and he tries so desperately to look at Plum instead of Mo Ran.

“I just mean… you can call me that. It’s whatever. We live together, right?”

“I mean- yeah, but like, after the bullshit I did yesterday I was just about ready to call you ‘prof’ again, and now you’re offering me first name basis?”

“Hey. You said it first,” Chu Wanning reminds him, and… is Mo Ran blushing at that?

Once more, his heart does a little stutter.

“Hm… right. Ugh, yeah, you’re right though. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I just wanted to lie down for a few minutes, but then Plum jumped onto me, and it was so comfortable, I must’ve dosed off. We got rice and cake for dinner, still, if you want to eat already. I’m legally not allowed to get up for now myself, though,” Mo Ran says, stroking Plum from head to tail a few times at his own words.

He isn’t wrong, though. Chu Wanning can never get up if Plum is on him, either. Not unless he really needs to.

“It’s… fine. I can shower first,” Chu Wanning says, but before that… “Actually, I did… want to talk to you about two things first.”

“Oh! Yeah, yeah, sure! Of course!” Mo Ran says, but Chu Wanning can see the nervosity behind that bright smile of his, the insecurity that he’d probably feel himself if someone said this to him. But Chu Wanning has never known how to comfort someone, so all he can do instead is clumsily try to just get it over with as fast as he can.

“For one, I might have a flat soon, so I’ll be moving out in a month if all goes well.”

Honestly, he expected Mo Ran to look relieved. Or, well, he didn’t. His own insecurity expected Mo Ran to look relieved, but he also isn’t really surprised when he doesn’t, instead a clear hurt in his eyes that Chu Wanning can’t do anything about.

He can’t live with his student, no matter how much he may want to, and no matter how much Mo Ran might want to. At the end of the day, all of this is still improper.
“Xue Zhengyong said that his neighbours are moving out, so I’m applying to the flat, and he’ll put in a good word for me.”

“But it’s such a big flat,” Mo Ran interrupts him, eyes darting all over Chu Wanning, as if he’s trying to – he doesn’t know either. Chu Wanning has no idea what Mo Ran is trying to do right now.

“Yes. That’s the point. It might not- it might not be just for myself, so it’s better if I have a flat big enough. I can pay if I donate a little less-“

“Do you have a partner?”

It’s then that, cat or not, Mo Ran sits up.

Plum, absolutely bewildered by the sudden motion, tumbles off his chest, jumps down the bed, and darts off towards the wardrobe to jump into that, since Mo Ran left it open apparently, and glare at him from inside there.

…Which makes Chu Wanning look into Mo Ran’s wardrobe, and he realizes that Plum is sitting on his underwear.

Yup.

He’s not going to be thinking about Mo Ran’s underwear right now.

(It’s boxershorts, mostly, some trunks in between, the kind Chu Wanning ended up wearing upon transitioning because he never really liked underwear without legs; it always just cut so uncomfortably into his thighs for some reason. However, they must look so much better on Mo Ran because sure, Chu Wanning isn’t without muscles, but in comparison to Mo Ran… he’s seen him in those skimpy sports shorts already, and he nearly lost his mind, so seeing his muscly thighs in just those trunks, clinging to them, preferably of a lighter colour so he can really see their shape-)

Yeah.

Chu Wanning’s really isn’t thinking about his student’s underwear. He promises.

“What?” he eventually asks, “why would I?”

“Well… you just said you might not live there on your own…”

“I meant Kora.”

“Oh!” Mo Ran makes, huffing out a small sigh, the smile on his face suddenly so much more honest. Is that relief on his face? Is Mo Ran relieved that Chu Wanning doesn’t have a partner? No wonder; after all, anyone would pity whoever ends up with him, except no one will, because Chu Wanning isn’t made for relationships.

“Oh, I see,” Mo Ran repeats, “changed your mind on that, then?”

“It’s not… like I don’t want to,” Chu Wanning says, and after Mo Ran pats the bed next to him, he does eventually sit down, a bit too close for all the things that happened yesterday, and honestly on accident – he hadn’t meant to sit this close at all. They’re not touching, but there isn’t much missing for that to happen anymore. “I asked Xue Zhengyong, and he said he’d help me, so… with taking care of her, too, if I need it.”

“Yeah, of course he would! But, uh, just to clarify. You don’t have a romantic partner, right?”

“Why would I?” Chu Wanning asks back, which seems to stump Mo Ran for a moment.

“Oh, wait, are you aromantic, or?”

The same question twice in the same day. He might just have to jump out of a window. Very begrudgingly, Chu Wanning raises his voice again, because the question coming from the person he’s currently hopelessly in love with is just more than ironic.

“…No. Not fully, at least.”

“Ah. Okay. That was probably weird to ask, huh? You ever had a-“

“No, I’ve never had a partner, thank you for asking!” Chu Wanning bites back, because he needs Mo Ran to stop asking him these things. “Either way. If I get it, which I might now that Xue Zhengyong is putting in a good word for me on account of Kora, I should be able to move out in a month.”

Somehow, Mo Ran just looks weirdly down about that. He takes a slightly shaky breath, grasping at his bedsheets with his fingers. Chu Wanning follows the motion, trying not to imagine what his hands would look like doing the same thing if he was on his knees in between Mo Ran’s legs and-

He barely holds himself back from slapping his own cheeks at that thought.

“I… just a month?”

“Maybe. Either way, after that, I’ll definitely have enough money with my pay that I can move out, which I’ll do at any rate, because then, the semester is over either way. I can’t live with a student for longer.”

Wait a second.

Why is he trying to make excuses? Why is Mo Ran not trying to get rid of him like he undoubtedly should be?

“Ah… yeah, I suppose so,” Mo Ran says, chuckling, but really, his chuckle just sounds insanely sad. “…Wanning.”

He doesn’t play around about his name. Chu Wanning offered, and Mo Ran is latching onto it.

“Wanning. I know I really can’t ask that of you, not after what I did yesterday, but- I really don’t want you to move out. Is that such a bad thing?”

Then, Chu Wanning feel himself get flustered, because that was the least thing he’d have expected to come out of Mo Ran’s mouth. He stares at him, but given just how meek Mo Ran looks right now, all dejected and bumping both of his feet off and back onto the ground repeatedly like he’s nervous, he can’t imagine that he’s lying, either.

“…You’re my student,” is everything Chu Wanning finds himself repeating, “I can’t… keep living here. Officially, I don’t. Officially, I’m a student right now, but- I can’t keep living here for so many reasons. You know that as well as I do.”

“Yes,” Mo Ran sighs, “I do know. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

For a bit, it looks like Mo Ran expects Chu Wanning to say something, but since Chu Wanning is at an absolute loss, he ends up asking him in the end.

“Can I still visit you when you have your flat again? Especially if it’s next to Dad? I mean- I know Dad could also cook for you, but I’ve gotten so used to cooking for two people and- ah, sorry, I mean, you must hate me after yesterday. I mean, I know you don’t, but… sorry, my head’s still a mess.”

Somehow, Mo Ran looks much smaller right now. He looks much more like a child, just a sad child trying to get him to stay, and Chu Wanning blinks away the pictures in his mind of that child. He already knows that isn’t Mo Ran, because Mo Ran wouldn’t like him if he was. He’d be angry with him, and…

But he looks so lonely.

He reminds Chu Wanning of himself, and somehow, that’s pitiful. It’s pitiful as fuck, not just for Mo Ran, but for Chu Wanning, too, because the reminder that Mo Ran and him are somewhat similar is so striking that he feels like if he reached out to comfort him just once, just tried to do that, he might also be comforting himself.

Yet, he feels like maybe that’s what he needs, and what Mo Ran needs, and what they need.

Chu Wanning raises his hand and does the same thing as before. He flicks a single strand of Mo Ran’s hair out of his face, because that’s everything he can do with red cheeks, unable to keep himself from blushing at such an intimate contact.

However, it’s worth it. Mo Ran’s eyes go bright all of a sudden, even as Chu Wanning’s hand sinks back down, back towards his own pants.

He doesn’t wipe it. Usually, when he touches other people, he wipes his hand; not because he thinks them to be disgusting, even if he doesn’t like the thought of that either, but because the feeling is weird.

With Mo Ran, he doesn’t feel that way.

Not at all.

It doesn’t feel gross to touch him, even when he is sweaty.

“I… I don’t hate you,” he says, “not at all, Mo Ran.”

The opposite. I love you. I love you so much it tears at my heart in ways I didn’t ever think was possible. I love you so much that I’d go to hell with you if only you asked. I love you so much that I’m willing to forgive you everything. I love you so much because you’re the first one to care, the first one to see me even if I barely know what that means. You’re the first person I’ve ever felt like this for and even if I had no idea what it meant, even though I thought I could never experience the thing that people call fate- But when I look at you, all I can think is that I’ve always been meant to chase after you because you’re not someone I can have because you’re everything I’m not and I’m nothing at all and if you think I hate you then I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to give you that impression. I love you so much because you were the first one to understand and stand up for me.

Quietly, Chu Wanning wonders whether Mo Ran was the first one to need him, too.

He knows he isn’t.

Those hands of his are way too strong and big to compare to that small child’s. They don’t shake the same way. He doesn’t beg Chu Wanning to stay the same way.

“Okay. Yeah. It’s good if you don’t hate me. I’m still really sorry, though. I know it was wrong. I should’ve told you. I know. I shouldn’t have grabbed your phone either, and that’s entirely my fault. I know. So please don’t hate me-“

“I already said I don’t,” Chu Wanning says, intending it to leave his mouth as one of his usual curt and snapped and cold sentences, but he doesn’t manage. Instead, it comes out sweet and soft and mellow. He swallows around the sticky feelings of the words. “I know you’re sorry and won’t do it again. Yeah, I was mad about these things, because those weren’t okay- but I’m not mad at you for talking to Huaizui. I talked to your father about it, because everyone always says talking helps, and he's right. I’m not mad at you for talking to him. No one’s ever… No one’s ever done this for me, Mo Ran.”

At that, Mo Ran’s previously lowered head snaps up, and he stares at Chu Wanning with eyes as huge as saucers, blinking again.

“Huh?”

Chu Wanning can’t repeat it though. It sounded way more pitiful than anything else he’s ever said.

No one’s ever stood up for him like that, no one was ever so hurt for him. He knows Mo Ran wasn’t speaking over him. Especially because that single sentence he had heard wasn’t wrong at all. He’s sure that the rest he said was correct as well. He was speaking for him, not because Chu Wanning couldn’t, but because he wouldn’t. Because somewhere deep down, he still felt like he deserved it. Being kicked out and being treated like this by the man he used to call his father. He feels like he deserved all the mocking glances he got from other kids at school and the disgust in people’s eyes when he, with his long hair and feminine features started to have his voice cracking – he was way too old for a second puberty when he entered it. None of those feminine features remain, and he’s aware of that. He wasn’t ever a feminine girl to begin with, more on the masculine side, but people could tell. Everyone could always tell.

He felt like he deserves for that child to find and kill him one day, given how he left him.

“Either way,” he continues, “I’m not mad, okay? Quite- the opposite, actually.”

“What do you mean, the opposite?”

“I…” Chu Wanning starts again, and then decides that really, it’s whatever. He’s promised himself he’d try being honest with Mo Ran. He’s not going to confess, he’s not going to tell him anything more for now, because he doesn’t want Mo Ran to even know about the things he’s done to that kid, because Mo Ran was in foster care. He’s still in contact with the person that took care of him, and they’re on good terms – he’d be able to imagine just how horrible it’d be for a child for that to not be the case. But he can be honest about this. “I don’t mind that you talked to him. I can imagine you must have given him quite the earful. So, I don’t mind. I don’t mind you talking to him, because whatever you said, it was probably things he should have heard from me myself, but I wasn’t able to. So… thank you. For saying them for me.”

The last part he can barely force past his lips, but the way Mo Ran immediately cheers up, smile on his lips, his hair open and falling into his face in long tousles making him look so handsome in the light of the sun, slowly starting to set on the horizon, that Chu Wanning feels like he could start crying any second.

He’s so beautiful.

Mo Ran is so beautiful and handsome that Chu Wanning just knows he doesn’t deserve him. But if he gets to bathe in his light for just a bit, that has to be enough.
“So, I can visit you, even if you move out? I can cook for you? Clean for you? I mean, sorry, Wanning, but you really suck at cleaning, so unless you want to infest Dad’s flat with moths too-“

“Hey!” Chu Wanning says. “Why do you know that?”

Mo Ran blinks at him, then laughs.

He’s back to his usual self. Whatever was there of a small hurt child a second ago is gone in an instant. He laughs and laughs while looking at Chu Wanning, who knows he’s blushing because he has a damned thin face.

“Well, when you first came here, there was instantly a food moth on the wall, and given how you leave everything lying around… And then I heard from someone the other day that their friend lives in a building where they have a food moth infestation still, and I might’ve asked Dad where you’ve lived previously, and…”

“Shut your mouth, Mo Ran! That’s not true!”

“But Wanning, you just asked me why I know that.”

“It’s not true! I’m not at fault! You must have the wrong building!” he shouts, Plum jumping out from the wardrobe and sneaking around his legs, then back into Mo Ran’s lap where he’s sitting. He welcomes her and presses her against him a little.

“Okay, okay, I have the wrong building, that’s right. Wanning knows best.”

“You…!”

Mo Ran is totally teasing him, and Chu Wanning is so not having it. He bites his lip and glares him down to the best of his ability, stroking his shirt down and then walking towards his door.

“I’m going to shower. Have the rice heated up for when I’m done.”

“Hm, sure,” Mo Ran says, still laughing, his expression infinitely soft, almost enough for Chu Wanning to fool himself into believing that Mo Ran might like him back. “I’ll make sure to clean up after, too, and maybe even put up a moth trap so that I don’t accidentally commit bioterrorism like that man that lived in that other building across town and didn’t take care of his food moths for months-“

“Mo Ran! I’m leaving! I’m going to shower!”

When he stomps out of the room and into his own, he can still hear Mo Ran laughing, even when he picks out a new pair of thin cotton pants given the temperature, and a new t-shirt.

…One that isn’t Mo Ran’s. What can he say? Its texture is really nice, and Mo Ran hasn’t yet demanded it back, so Chu Wanning has made the decision to keep it.

He also grabs underwear and socks (he cannot stand walking barefoot, even if it’s this hot outside; if anything touches his feet that isn’t the floor, he will have a breakdown, and no flat is ever squeaky clean), then makes his way to the bathroom. With a little sigh, he closes the door behind him, and gets to undressing, because he does want to be there for the leftover rice and cake.

*

After fifteen minutes, when he walks into the kitchen, Mo Ran is already grabbing them two bowls. Plum is also eating some wet food that Mo Ran must’ve given her. With the same large grin, he sets them down in their usual spaces.

Yesterday, this house still felt like home despite it all, but now, it feels like home. Kora may be missing, but it still feels much more like home than any other place Chu Wanning has ever been in. It feels more like home than his home with Huaizui had, more than his first own room at college, more than all the other university rooms he’s been in throughout the years. More than his first own actual flat when he started his PhD, more than the flat he lived in then.

More than the flat he’ll live in soon, without Mo Ran.

He sits down, Plum giving him one quick glance, then going back to eating her food way more noisily than she needs to. Usually, eating noises really get on Chu Wanning’s nerves, but if it’s a cat, he doesn’t really care all too much. Luckily, given the loud smacking of her lips.

“Wanning.”

Chu Wanning grabs the chopsticks Mo Ran has already put down, and starts shoveling the small bowl of rice into himself, way too hungry to react to whatever Mo Ran is saying, even if it’s his name.

“Wanning,” he repeats though, a little whinier, “you never actually answered me, you know?”

“Huh?” Chu Wanning makes, chewing the rice and vegetables and tofu the fastest he possibly can and swallowing them. “What?”

“Can I come over? I- understand if you don’t want me to, and I know I’ll probably get a new roommate, and I mean, I’d love for it to be Xue Meng, but also I’m not sure I want to know about his sex life.”

“And the other way around,” Chu Wanning grunts, remembering that time Mo Ran apparently threw out Rong Jiu for him. He knows that Mo Ran isn’t innocent, and that he probably still has sex, just in places that he won’t be able to overhear. But he would rather not think about it if he’s honest.

“Ahah… right, right,” Mo Ran says, and suddenly, sounding a bit more sheepish, he adds: “I haven’t ever since you started living here anyway, but-“

“Mo Ran! Don’t tell me these things. We’ve been over this.”

“Hey, I just don’t want you to think I’m promiscuous or something! My body count isn’t that high!”

“Mo Ran!”

“It’s maybe like, I don’t even know, seven or something? That’s a pretty normal bodycount, considering I do go party a lot-“

“Mo Ran, please stop telling me about your sex life and eat your food.”

Mo Ran looks like he wants to add something else, but then, he picks up his chopsticks, and also puts some rice into his mouth. He chews, sullenly, then speaks up again.
“What I meant to say is that if someone asks me to not do these things, I don’t do these things, you know? Like… if you ask me to respect anything, I will.”

“I know,” Chu Wanning grunts, “no need to tell me about these things to make that clear. I’m aware by now.”

For a while, they eat in silence after that. Once she finished eating, Plum walks out of the room, and the sound of her footsteps disappears; she probably went back into Chu Wanning’s room like she usually does at this time. Some nights, she does choose to sleep with Mo Ran, though.

Only after Mo Ran has finished his rice does he say something again.

“Uh… is it okay if I say something about Huaizui?”

“…Sure,” Chu Wanning affirms, because he can’t stop Mo ran anyways, can he? He still feels tired thinking about his adoptive father’s existence, but it’s fine. With Mo Ran being the one to talk about, he doesn’t mind as much anymore.

“He… he did actually use the right pronouns and everything.”

“I mean, he did call me a man and stuff,” Chu Wanning sighs, also finishing his bowl of rice. Mo Ran automatically reaches for the small plates, cake, and small forks to hand them each a piece.

“You can have two, I’m fine with just one,” he says.

“Mn. Let’s just share, I’m not hungry enough for two whole pieces.”

“Okay!”

Mo Ran cuts them and gives Chu Wanning his cake.

“I just… look, I don’t like the guy at all. Everything he said was horrible and so painfully privileged, but he does regret it,” Mo Ran starts, “please don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to excuse him in way, if that’s what this comes off as. I’m just saying that… at the very least, he knows what he did is wrong. I guess I just wanted you to know that.”

“I know,” Chu Wanning says, because even the short messages he sent to him every now and then were enough of an indicator of that. “I’ll… message him one of these days. I can’t talk to him in person yet. One day, I will. I just… need to prepare myself, and prepare what to say. But I do know it’s something I have to do.”

“Oh! No, no,” Mo Ran makes immediately, shaking his head. “I wasn’t trying to make you talk to him or anything. That wasn’t it at all. I just felt like you should know, that’s really all. ‘Cause… if I get an explanation for people’s behavior, or at least an apology for them, it’s vastly different. Just for my own peace of mind.”

“No. I know. I was just saying. I should do it. I’ll do it. I’ll… one of these weeks I’ll message him and just let him know about that, and let him know that I do appreciate him trying to reach out sometimes. Obviously I’m mad, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop being mad, and he can’t buy my sympathy no matter how much he donates, but if he donates, then you know what? Good. Who cares where that money is coming from at the end of the day?”

The only thing Chu Wanning wouldn’t want to do with that money is use it on himself. But use it for charity? There’s nothing wrong with that. So, if he ever meets Huaizui properly, he should probably get him to donate as much of his stupidly large savings as possible.

He’s not sure whether they can ever make up, even if part of Chu Wanning inexplicably still longs for that. Too much has happened for that to ever be the case, but maybe they can at least get to a talking basis. Something where Chu Wanning can text him once in a while, and just tell him some things about his life. If he ever does adopt Kora, for example.
He supposes that deep down, he never stopped craving his father’s attention.

Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that.

Mo Ran for one does let out a small snort at that.

“That’s completely correct. Hope he spends more money. But it’s fine. You can text him or not text him. That’s up to you, and I do think he got that much from my talk.”

Somehow, Mo Ran’s smile is a little more sinister at that. Yeah, maybe it’s better that he wasn’t entirely there for the talk, but also that he did come before Mo Ran could wreak any more havoc.

“Mn. Whatever. What… are you doing after dinner?”

Chu Wanning barely even thinks about the question before it’s already out. Mo Ran stares at him. Basically like he’s lost it, so Chu Wanning tries to save himself by saying literally anything before this ends up sounding like he’s asking Mo Ran out on a date or something.

“Like… we haven’t watched anime in a while but…”

“You wanna know how it continues?”

Bless Mo Ran for giving him an out.

“Yes.”

“That’s fine!” Mo Ran says immediately, and reaches across the table just for a second to pat Chu Wanning’s hand twice in a row, then retract it again, as if nothing happened.
Chu Wanning feels the burning of his fingertips on the back of his hand even seconds after, especially after they’ve held hands yesterday.

“…Good,” he rasps out, stabbing the cake with his fork before the conversation can go any longer. Really, the question was stupid, everything about this was very stupid. What the fuck was he thinking with that stupid excuse? He’s going to be stuck next to Mo Ran for at least twenty minutes, and he’s going to want to hold his hand again, and he won’t be able to do that.

“Hm! Good, we’ll do that then! Kitchen, my room, yours?”

“…Kitchen,” Chu Wanning manages to say, because then they won’t be forced to be all too close.

“I’ll grab my laptop right after washing up!” Mo Ran says, with another one of these damned smiles that could kill a man. The man in question is Chu Wanning.

But either way, even if this is going to feel like pure torture, at least it’s normal between them again. Maybe a bit closer than before, actually. Maybe he can excuse brushing Mo Ran’s hand with his just one single time.

Probably not.

He’ll see after finishing the cake.

Chapter Text

It’s been two weeks ever since that incident.

Mo Ran and Chu Wanning made do, somehow. It took a bit to get back to treating each other normally, but Mo Ran thinks they succeeded pretty well.

They’re having breakfast and dinner together again. They watch anime together like they did before, pretty regularly now. They talk about random stuff. Mo Ran made milk candy for both Chu Wanning and Kora, and got pretty good feedback about it, even if he wasn’t entirely satisfied with how it looked; he’ll try again soon. He has seen her again twice, driving Chu Wanning to and from work twice when a coworker got sick for two days in a row, at the same time.

(She has since found out she’s lactose intolerant, having eaten yoghurt both days at the very same time, thus resulting in her having stomach issues at the same time.)

It wasn’t for long, though; Kora was mostly just waving at him, and the other time, Mo Ran talked to her for five minutes, but not much more.

Apart from breakfast and dinner, though, Mo Ran hasn’t seen Chu Wanning a lot. He’s busy grading papers – some of his deadlines are apparently during the semester rather than after – and preparing exams, as well as correcting some of them. Mo Ran asked about why he’s doing exams in the second to last week already, and he said that he leaves the last week for term paper discussions and new developments in academia for the students in higher grades.

It makes sense.

But dear lord, he’s been stressed. Partly, he’s been sitting on his laptop even during dinner, and no matter how much Mo Ran tried to make him not do that because that cannot possibly be healthy, there was nothing that’d make him stop. At least he did cut down on his hours at the orphanage for that very reason, even if it’s only making absolutely sure that he doesn’t have any shifts during the week.

Apart from that, he’s very much applied for the flat next to Xue Zhengyong, and has officially looked at it. Chances of him getting it are quite high, because there’s only two other people in the run, both single, surprisingly. The neighbour seemed to know one of them, since she’s apparently working part time for her parents’ company or something – Mo Ran didn’t catch the specifics of it – and her coworker was one of the applicants. The neighbour however also said that she chose another flat in the end, since she only applied for this more expensive one to have a place to stay at all, and that even if it cost more money, it’d still be cheaper than travelling to and from work, since most of her clients are situated in this city. Fair enough. So, it’s Chu Wanning against one other random guy that they don’t know.

He's probably going to get the flat, and move out.

Mo Ran still isn’t sure how to feel about that. He knows there’s literally no way around that, but at the same time, he can’t imagine not being with Chu Wanning anymore.
Especially not now that they’ve made up again.

However, it’s not like he has much time to think about these things, because he’s also very desperately trying to study for his exams right now. It’s working more or less. Any papers are for after that, but he only has two smaller essays, so if he sits down three days for each, he should easily manage. He has his entire family to kick him in the butt about deadlines, at this point, so he’s not all too concerned.

For now, he has to make sure Chu Wanning hasn’t fucking died or something, because he hasn’t responded to any of his texts about dinner, and he also hasn’t left his room in way too many hours for the fact that humans need to pee and all that stuff. Just how little has he drunk to not even need to go to the bathroom once in five hours.
“Wanning?” he asks as he simultaneously knocks on the door, receiving no damned response. Is he even home? His shoes are here.

In the end, it’s Plum that responds. She meows, and Mo Ran hears her hit the door with her paw a few times.

“Alright, I’m opening up, Wanning, okay? Plum wants out.”

In the end, he does hear a little grumble from the inside, which makes him highly suspect that Chu Wanning must simply have been asleep. Good – he needs the rest, given how much he’s doing at the moment.

Mo Ran gently opens the door, Plum immediately slipping past him, a white streak of fluff heading for her kibble bowl, while he finds Chu Wanning lying flat on his back, on the floor.

“…What are you doing?” Mo Ran asks with a short laugh. Chu Wanning frowns at him from behind those ugly glasses that he’s still wearing. Seriously, he needs new ones. He doesn’t look old at all, unless he’s wearing these.

There are some sheets of paper scattered around him, which Mo Ran can see red writing on, meaning he must’ve been correcting these. His laptop is open in front of him, too, showing some sort of exam sheet.

He closes that one with his foot.

Ah.

That’s probably the exam Mo Ran will be taking in a week’s time.

His phone is in his hand, and he appears to be reading something on it, but doesn’t actively type on it or anything. Still, his eyebrows are furrowed, eyes locked in concentration, not answering Mo Ran at all.

“Uh… so, what are you doing? I literally cannot tell considering how many things you seem to be doing at once.”

“I’m not doing many things at once,” Chu Wanning says, finally providing a reaction to Mo Ran. “I made an exam, corrected three papers, and…”

He looks back at his phone, a complicated look in his eyes. Mo Ran has to try so hard not to let himself think that Chu Wanning is on Grindr or something of the like. There’s probably another reason for the fact he’s glued to his phone right now. Chu Wanning really doesn’t seem the type for dating apps.

Then, he does reach up his other hand, typing something after all. Mo Ran hears the sound of a message being sent. Only after that does Chu Wanning put his phone onto the floor next to him, still open on the messaging app, though not in any specific chat (it isn’t Grindr; Mo Ran would recognize that layout anywhere), and sits up.

…Weirdly slowly.

The first thing he does once he’s in a sitting position is rub his face all over once.

He seems tired. Weirdly tired.

“…Hey, are you okay?” Mo Ran asks, crouching down in front of him a little to get to an at least similar height, so that it doesn’t seem like he’s talking down to him. The classic kid tactic. But Mo Ran is sure it’ll work on Chu Wanning, too.

“Yeah,” Chu Wanning says, letting go of his face, a little red with how he’s rubbed it all over now. Then, he takes out his hair tie and renews his ponytail, putting his glasses back into the correct position first, then deciding to take them off after all. He puts them back into the case that’s also on the floor.

After a while of staring into the distance, he then corrects himself.

“Yeah. Kind of.”

“Did something happen?” Mo Ran asks, and Chu Wanning gives a short glance towards his phone again.

For a bit, it looks like Chu Wanning is trying to figure out whether he should tell him or not. Mo Ran waits for him to decide.

“I… texted Huaizui, in the end. I couldn’t get it out of my mind, so I decided that I might as well get it over with.”

“Oh,” Mo Ran says, properly sitting down on the floor now, opposite of him, but then deciding that actually, he should just move to his side instead. He scoots over, which makes Chu Wanning jerk to the side a little, until they’re both leaning against the frame of his bed.

Mo Ran lets his gaze glide over the papers; there’s a lot of red there, but he can also see that the grades aren’t bad at all. It seems like Chu Wanning might be very strict, but still very aware that his students aren’t professors after all.

“How’d it go? I mean- you don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. But I’ll listen.”

Instead of answering, Chu Wanning just hands him his phone with a little sigh.

“Here. Read for yourself, I’m tired.”

Mo Ran looks at him from the side. Just like on the bus back then, he looks so strangely small and frail, and it’s making him want to protect him.

He takes the phone; by now, the screen has gone black.

“…I haven’t changed the pattern,” Chu Wanning mumbles, and, very guiltily, Mo Ran unlocks Chu Wanning’s phone, because he still remembers the goddamn lockscreen pattern. He wants to ask why Chu Wanning hasn’t changed it yet, but something tells him that he might not answer right now, so he doesn’t in the end.

“You sure I can read it?”

“Yeah, I don’t care.”

“Okay.”

Mo Ran opens the chat again. The last message was from Huaizui, just saying goodbye to him, so that must be where the conversation ended. Then, he scrolls to the very top.

[To: Huaizui, 15:36]
”Good Afternoon.
I was thinking for a long while whether I should message you or not, but I said I would, so I will.
First of all, I’m sorry for Mo Ran meeting up with you. Neither did I ask him nor want him to do that, and it must have been a bother. However, I’m sure that none of what he said was inherently wrong, so I will not apologize for anything he said – just for the fact that he met up with you without you knowing that beforehand.
Truth be told, I’m not entirely sure what I have to say to you. I’m sure Mo Ran has said most things that I would have, at any rate. Kicking me out was wrong, temporarily or not. I was barely seventeen, and I could have died. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that. Even if I might accept an apology, I will still not forgive you, most likely.
I do however want to thank you for donating money to the orphanage I’m working at, and I will not keep you from doing so in the future, if that is what you want to do.”

Honestly, the detached and formal way Chu Wanning texts him is more than telling about their relationship. Of course, Chu Wanning is a bit of a dry texter, yes. But even he doesn’t use perfect punctuation with Mo Ran. Even he abbreviates some words when he asks what’s for dinner, or whether Mo Ran has gone shopping yet, or whether he’ll be home before him because he has the keys.

Next to him, Chu Wanning just stares at the wall. Mo Ran has the feeling that he might just need this right now, so he lets him.

[from: Huaizui, 15:43]
”Thank you for reaching out to me, Wanning. It means more to me than I could put into words. Do not apologize for Mo Ran. He is a very lovely young man. You are right; everything he said was correct, and I do not resent him for that. You are also in your utmost right to not forgive me. I do want to apologize, but that is something I find more appropriate to do in person, whenever you are ready. I promise that if we do meet up one day, I am not going to berate you any longer. I am genuinely proud of you now, both for enduring what I have put you through, and what you have achieved by yourself, even if you should not have had to achieve it on your own. I will not force you to forgive me, even if that is everything I could hope for. Whenever you feel ready to meet in person, let me know. You need not feel obliged to text me before that if you do not want to.”

Mo Ran takes a deep breath. Yeah. This is a good response. It seems like Huaizui is actually and really considering Chu Wanning’s point of view, and like he actually regrets these things. It’s good. That’s good.

None of that will make up for the damage that’s been done, but it’s better than nothing at all.

[to: Huaizui, 15:45]
”I agree that such conversations should probably be held in person. I’m not ready to meet you yet, though. Maybe in a year or two. I’ll let you know.”

[from: Huaizui, 15:45]
”That’s okay.”

[to: Huaizui, 15:52]
”I do appreciate the rest of your words, though. I don’t feel ready to talk about my side of things on these matters yet, and that is something I would like to do in person anyway. I just wished you had listened to me, even just once. I didn’t have to be able to save myself just to save others. I don’t know where he is now and whether he’s still alive, but there was a child I helped once. Or at least I’d like to think I did. If he’s still alive, he probably hates me now. But I’d like to think that at the time, I helped him. I think I did. I know I wasn’t good to every child. But I know I helped some of them. I don’t want to say that I saved them, but I know that many of them, I at least helped, or tried to. I wish for you to not downplay that. In case you have done that in front of Mo Ran, I would like for you to apologize to him one day, too, because downplaying these things to someone who has grown up in the system would be as good as saying that it does not matter whether they lived or died.”

It's the last few sentences that make Mo Ran turn around to him.

“Shut up,” Chu Wanning grumbles before he can say anything, “you also spoke for me, so now I get to do the same, and that’s just fair.”

It makes Mo Ran smile. He cocks an eyebrow and snorts a little.

“Yeah? Petty much, huh? No, it’s fine. He did say something of the like. I’ll accept his apology whenever I see him again. You’re right. The-“ Mo Ran stumbles over his own words for a bit. “My primary caretaker, he- he really helped me. I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t been here. There were some misunderstandings along the way, but… I know he’s probably the largest part of why I’m alive today, and why I’m here right now, and not like, in prison. I mean, I’ve been to prison for some nights as a teen, I gotta tell you about that one day, there was this guy, like, a worker, who was so rude to me, also he like, smoked all day, in the prison, which was unfair because I also smoked at the time but he wouldn’t share, don’t even ask- ahem. Anyways, yeah, he helped me a lot. I wouldn’t be here without him. It… I’ve come to the conclusion that it does matter that I’m alive, over the years. Even when in between, I really wouldn’t believe it. It’s fine. Ye Wangxi kicked me enough about that.”

Only after that does Chu Wanning turn around to him. Mo Ran doesn’t talk a lot about the time he was suicidal, and he doesn’t talk a lot about how, when he was so close to doing it, the only thing holding him back was that he still hadn’t talked to Chu Wanning, that he still didn’t know why he didn’t come that day.

He still wants to ask, at one point – but he already knows there’s an explanation.

Chu Wanning wouldn’t ever have left him behind for no reason.

“You…” Chu Wanning starts, then draws his knees to his chest, uncharacteristically sad.

“Hm?”

“It matters,” he says in the end, pink dusting his cheeks and making him look a lot less tired. He doesn’t meet his eyes anymore, just cowers in on himself in embarrassment. “It matters that you’re alive. Don’t think otherwise again.”

“Thank you. I won’t,” Mo Ran responds, almost, just almost giving in and reaching out to put an arm around Chu Wanning, hug him close, tell him that he’s the one that kept him alive throughout all the years. He wants to stroke hair out of his face and kiss his forehead and make sure he doesn’t have to feel all horrible about his father anymore.

When Chu Wanning doesn’t answer, Mo Ran reads on – clearly, that man is too embarrassed even just for saying that it matters that he’s alive. What an odd thing to get embarrassed about, given how basic of a statement it should theoretically be.

His skin really is too thin.

[from: Huaizui, 15:53]
”I will apologize to him, too. I’m assuming he would be coming with you when we meet? I do not mind either way, but if he’s part of your life, then you may bring him along.”

[to: Huaizui, 15:53]
”what? why would I bring Mo Ran along?”

[from: Huaizui, 15:54]
”A lot of people bring their partners to such important conversations, right? I suppose I may not have enough experience in the matter to know these things. Sorry if my assumption is wrong.”

[to: Huaizui, 15:55]
”Partner????”

[from: Huaizui, 15:55]
”Sorry, I did not know what term you preferred. Boyfriend? Or are you married already?”

Mo Ran audibly gasps at that, and Chu Wanning is already grabbing his phone from his hand, cheeks not pink anymore, but straight up scarlet. Mo Ran is holding onto the phone too tightly though, so in the end, Chu Wanning only ends up grabbing his wrist and shaking that instead.

“Not these parts! I don’t know why the actual fuck he thought that, so just ignore this. He must’ve gotten the completely wrong impression, I-“

The despair all over his face is so evident that Mo Ran can’t help but start laughing again, because hey, help, what the hell? First of all, why the fuck does Huaizui think Mo Ran would ever have the skill to pull Chu Wanning? And, secondly, Chu Wanning is so, so horribly cute when he swears.

[to: Huaizui, 15:56]
”Mo Ran is neither of these things. He’s my flatmate. Stop making these assumptions. He’s also significantly younger than me.”

Heavily, Mo Ran gulps, looking at that sentence, and then at Chu Wanning’s hand still clinging to his wrist. As if caught, he loosens his grip and releases it.

“Haha, right,” Mo Ran laughs, but it comes out very dryly, he thinks. He probably sounds very unconvinced. “I mean, I’m your student. I guess I didn’t mention that, so uh… haha, sorry, I don’t… I don’t know what made him get that impression.”

Yeah, Mo Ran, great, Mo Ran comments in his own damned head, so smooth. Huaizui assumed that because you weren’t at all being slick about it, and he saw right through you. Fucking damnit, Chu Wanning will be able to guess at this point and this’ll make it all awkward again when you’ve just found a way to deal with all of this again-

“Right. What nonsense. This man always runs on assumptions, even with ridiculous ones such as this.”

Yet…

Yet, when he should feel relieved that Chu Wanning clearly isn’t suspecting him, it still does hurt.

For him to say it’s a ridiculous assumption or whatever – well, at the end of the day though, it is, isn’t it? It’d be ridiculous to insinuate prim and proper Chu Wanning would ever do it with his student. It’d be ridiculous to insinuate that Mo Ran isn’t a decade too young for him, and that Chu Wanning probably couldn’t like him like that, given he took care of him, but…

But with the way he held his hand, with the way he sometimes gives the tiniest smiles over dinner, how could Mo Ran not at the very least hope for something to happen?

Ye Wangxi was right. He has to tell him one day. Latest when he moves out, he has to tell him, before he loses it completely. Even just being rejected might just do enough. Then again, wouldn’t that make Chu Wanning horribly uncomfortable? He didn’t seem to like it much when Shi Mei and Hua Binan confessed to him, or whatever happened there.

“Yeah,” Mo Ran says, a weak agreement that he knows damn well he doesn’t actually agree with. “I know. Sorry if anything I said to him… might’ve given that impression.”

“Just read on,” Chu Wanning says, short and clipped, like he’s just as sick of this conversation as Mo Ran already is right now, given the way he doesn’t further specify why it’s ridiculous.

Except… except if he said that against his own thoughts, because sometimes people say things they don’t mean, and isn’t Chu Wanning the exact person to do this sort of thing? Berate himself for how stupid it’d be to be in love with Mo Ran, if that were the case?

Mo Ran has to stop hoping.

It’s going to drive him insane.

For a bit longer, Mo Ran just looks at him, then returns to the phone.

[from: Huaizui, 15:58]
”I see. Sorry for assuming. Even if he’s only your flatmate, you can still bring him along if you wish to. If that is something you want to do.

Chu Wanning doesn’t appear to comment on this any further, which is probably good for Mo Ran’s sanity. Because if he agrees to take Mo Ran along to such an important thing in his life, then wouldn’t that mean…?

He swallows that thought right back down.

[to: Huaizui, 16:12]
”Whatever. Either way. I’ll meet with you one day, but not right now. Maybe in a year or two I’ll feel ready to do so. Don’t expect me to forgive you for the things you have done. However, I can tell that you do genuinely feel sorry. I want to give you something like a chance, at least. If you want, you can text me once in a while, and I’ll try to reply. Just… about daily things. I can do the same. I think I feel ready to try that.”

[from: Huaizui, 16:15]
”I would not mind that. You can feel free to tell me about your life, if you want. I do not think I have a lot to say. I’m still just working in the monastery, as always. Nothing much has changed in my life in the past fifteen years.”

[to: Huaizui, 16:15]
”That’s alright. When I feel up to it, I can tell you about my jobs or something, one of these days. I’ll stop talking to you for now.”

[from: Huaizui, 16:16]
”That’s alright. Take care.”

With that, the conversation ends. It’s almost five now, so it’s been a while.

“He’s trying,” Mo Ran says, “I think he’s really trying. If you’re willing to try with him, then that’s a good thing. But… don’t force yourself. Whoever my old man is, I don’t think I’d want to see him given the fact he wasn’t there for my mom and stuff. So don’t force yourself.”

“It’s… less forcing myself,” Chu Wanning says, his eyes downcast. For a second, he wavers enough for Mo Ran to believe that he might sink against his shoulder, but he doesn’t, in the end. He just takes his phone from him, and slides it back into his pocket. He pulls his knees up towards his chest and just… looks horribly glum in general.

“You kind of look like you are.”

“No. I do want to. It’s just… it just feels weird.”

“I think that’s an understatement,” Mo Ran laughs, bumping into his shoulder with his own, at which Chu Wanning sways a little. “You look exhausted, Wanning. You should probably take a nap or just go to bed early today.”

He looks emotionally exhausted, to be honest, not physically; but Mo Ran knows that he’d never admit such a thing unless he’s as angry as he was when Mo Ran first went to talk to Huaizui.

“Whatever. Just let me sit here for a while.”

Right, so, Mo Ran will not be doing that. He does get up, but he also looks around the room for anything to cheer Chu Wanning up with. At first, his gaze falls on Plum, who’s standing in the doorway now, but she quickly turns tail, disappearing behind the doorframe again. Then, he finds the shoujo anime mascot plushie that Chu Wanning still hasn’t gifted his ‘friend’. Weird. You’d think he’d gift it to his ‘friend’ as soon as possible.

(They both know he was lying out of his fucking ass that one time. Mo Ran sees the way his eyes light up at the main couple’s romance in the anime they’re currently watching. He can damn well tell Chu Wanning is more into romance than he’d like to admit, at least.)

In the end, what he sees is that husky plushie, sitting on his nightstand, in between a crapton of mochi-wrappers and cookies and three empty bottles of a lemonade that Mo Ran found too sweet as soon as he turned like, ten or something.

This is precisely why he wanted to clean up for him that one time. He’ll ask Chu Wanning whether he can clean in here again one of these days, to give him the chance to get rid of whatever he wants to get rid of so that Mo Ran doesn’t see.

Briefly, he wonders whether Chu Wanning owns any sex toys, but really – of course he doesn’t. That man is a virgin if Mo Ran’s ever seen one, and a completely innocent one on top of that. Who knows if he’s ever had an orgasm-

Mo Ran coughs, pushing the wrappers and bottles to the side and retrieving the plushie.

He knows that Chu Wanning said it’s meant for a kid that he hasn’t seen in a while. But really, given the stupid level of embarrassment he has about everything and everyone, it might really just be his.

It’s soft, and very cute. Not small, but also not big. It’s bigger than the scruffy raccoon he got for Kora, at least. Mo Ran can comfortably close a hand around its torso.

With it, he approaches Chu Wanning again, and forces it into his face before Chu Wanning can say or do anything else.

“Hmnfgh?”

Mo Ran laughs at the surprised little sound made into the plushie’s fuzz, while Chu Wanning awkwardly tries to shove him away without being able to say.

“Don’t be so down,” he says, letting up a little and instead just holding it in front of his face. Chu Wanning looks so beautifully bullied right now, glaring up at him with a gaze that very much says ‘you’ve lost it and I will kill you about this in five seconds time’, that Mo Ran could almost come on the spot.

Alright.

No horniness for him right now, he says, instead thinking of baby kittens and Xue Zhengyong’s dad, because, yeah, unsexy as hell. Not to shame who’s basically his grandpa, though, he’s great.

“Stop,” Chu Wanning says, wanting to take the plushie from Mo Ran, but he holds it up above his head until Chu Wanning gets up. Mo Ran follows and keeps holding it out of his reach while Chu Wanning desperately tries to get to it.

Moving around might just help him.

“Mo Ran!”

“Hm? Look, you’re so sad, he’s getting all scared and he’s running away from you because you’re cranky when you’re sad-“

“Mo Ran! Stop it! I’m not a child!”

Mo Ran can’t help but laugh again, holding the plushie out to him for a second, but only to bait him. Chu Wanning reaches for it, and almost trips into him, barely catching himself in the last second. He holds onto Mo Ran’s arm to steady himself for a second, which temporarily stuns Mo Ran.

It’s then that he snatches the husky from him, which Mo Ran squeaks out a little undignified ‘hey!’ at, as if it was his to begin with. Which it isn’t.

“Don’t play with it so roughly,” Chu Wanning berates him, “it’s not mine.”

“Hm? Are you sure of that, Wanning? Just like that shoujo anime plushie isn’t yours?”

At that, Chu Wanning’s cheeks go scarlet, clearly caught between a rock and a hard place right now. He can either admit that the shoujo anime mascot is his, but the husky plushie sincerely isn’t, or look like a liar if he says both aren’t his, because Mo Ran obviously has seen through this lie.

Gritting his teeth, Chu Wanning chooses the first option.

“Fine. My friend didn’t want it so- it’s mine now. But the husky isn’t. I meant what I said, it’s not mine. It theoretically has been for a bit because I haven’t seen the child in a while… but it truly is for someone.”

“I see,” Mo Ran says, thus letting the husky plushie stay in his hands. Chu Wanning looks at it with his eyebrows drawn together, squinting a bit.

Mo Ran wants nothing more than to be allowed to brush through his hair, and touch his cheek with the back of his fingers. He wants to kiss his forehead until that frown disappears, wants to make sure Chu Wanning knows he’s loved, that no matter who leaves him, Mo Ran will still be here. That he’s always going to be here and if only he let him, Mo Ran would like to become his home.

“Is that… why you were so hesitant to gift Kora that raccoon? ‘Cause you haven’t gifted this other kid this little guy yet?”

“…I lost track of the child years ago,” Chu Wanning says suddenly, still just looking at the plushie. “If I can’t find him, then at least I can…”

His voice trails off. He doesn’t finish his sentence, instead placing the plushie back on the bed. He pats its head once, as if it was a real dog.

“Either way, it isn’t mine, so don’t just throw it around.”

“Hm. I’m sure that whoever it’s for will be very happy once you give it to them, Wanning.”

Somehow, that earns him a derisive little snort, but Chu Wanning doesn’t even look up.

“I don’t know if the child is still alive, Mo Ran. If he is, then I’m sure he… let’s not talk about this anymore.”

“Okay,” Mo Ran says, starting to feel very bad, like he’s said all the wrong things he could’ve right now. So, now also dejected, he tries cheering up both of them instead of just Chu Wanning. “So, how about we go out for some food? There’s this new takeaway place downtown and it’d make for a nice evening walk to go there, grab something, eat, maybe get a bubble tea too, and then go home again, maybe?”

…Fuck. This totally sounds like a date.

Mo Ran just proposed a date, and he’s short-circuiting about it. With a bit of luck, Chu Wanning won’t catch onto that, though. But let’s be honest – that’s pretty obviously just a date, no matter how you want to look at it. He just asked Chu Wanning on a date. Fuck.

His heart speeds up and his palms grow very, very sweaty in unison. He stares at Chu Wanning, and Chu Wanning stares back, but his gaze looks clear. Just a little gloomy.
“Why would you waste your evening like that?” he asks in the end, not even giving him an answer.

Mo Ran relaxes a little. No comment about how this is essentially a date. That’s great. Maybe he really hasn’t caught on.

“Uh… I mean, you’re down, and I want to cheer you up, and we’ll get good food, right?”

“Is this because you don’t want to cook?” Chu Wanning asks, with his eyebrows furrowed again in that stupidly pained expression, and Mo Ran realizes that Chu Wanning thinks he’s not actually offering this for him.

“No, no. I just want to cheer you up. Unless you don’t want to do that, but going out is a good distraction sometimes, right? Like I said, though, if you don’t want to, it’s fine. If I can do anything else for you, then…”

“It’s fine,” Chu Wanning says, interrupting him before Mo Ran’s panic rant can go on any longer. “We can go. Not downtown though, that’d… be too long.”

“Ah, there’s a pizza place like ten minutes from here. They also allow pets, so we could bring Plum. It’s the middle of the week and everyone’s bound to be studying, so it’ll probably be rather empty…”

“Exactly. Everyone’s bound to be studying. Why aren’t you?”

Ah.

Caught him red-handed, huh?

“Uh… intellectual break. Those are also really important, you see, prof, haha-“

“Calling me ‘prof’ when it fits you,” Chu Wanning scowls, but he’s already reaching for his wallet – a brown leather wallet that looks like the most basic, straight man wallet to ever exists, but in the corner, there’s a little cat face – and Plum’s leash. “It’s my treat, so let’s go. I’ll shower when we’re back.”

Mo Ran has gotten used to Chu Wanning just kind of recounting everything he will do during the day, especially if there’s any change of plans. It seems to be his attempt at rationalizing things a bit, and recounting the plan to himself to realize that there still is one. So, Mo Ran lets him. He doesn’t mind.

“That’s fine. You sure you want to pay?”

“You cook for me all the time, so yes. Plum?”

The sound of a cat jumping down something resounds throughout the hallway, and she’s in the room the next second. Sometimes, Mo Ran really thinks that this cat is secretly a dog.

“I’ll grab a jacket real quick,” Mo Ran says, because it’s really not as hot anymore as it was the previous few weeks. Shorts are still fine, but yeah.

In the end, he instead settles on the purple button up that he owns which has small black and white dogs all over it, because it works well with grey shorts and a black t-shirt anyways. However, when he steps back out of his room, Chu Wanning stares at him for a bit.

“Where did you get that shirt?”

“Huh? You dislike it? I found it in a random store, and you know, I really like dogs, so…”

Chu Wanning doesn’t say anymore, though, just fastens the harness and leash onto Plum, whose tail is already very high up in the air in excitement.

“Hm, you wanna go out?” Mo Ran asks her, crouching down to pet her head. She bumps it into his palm and then walks around him, pressing against his knees and thighs, which would’ve led to Mo Ran getting all tangled up in her leash if he hadn’t picked her up midway through.

“Alright, alright, let’s go, I’m hungry,” he laughs, putting Plum back down onto the floor.

Chu Wanning gives a nod, and opens the door. Once outside, Mo Ran sees both of their neighbours sitting outside again, like they sometimes do. This time, there’s some random guy with them though, dressed almost as emo as one of the neighbours, but leaning a bit more towards a red aesthetic.

Mo Ran greets him anyways. All three of them wave back, the girl looking very excitedly down at Plum, and then they set off towards the small pizza shop.

“The owners are going to be so surprised when you come in there with a cat.”

“Hm. It’s no issue, Plum is very well-behaved, and I’ll keep her below the table. She won’t harm anyone.”

“…I meant more ‘cause she’s a cat in general. Usually, people only really bring their dogs. I also don’t think she’s going to attack anyone, don’t worry. I know you don’t scratch, right Plum?”

At her name, she looks up for a second, her whiskers twitching. Then, she’s back to following them quickly, having to make up for the fact she’s so small. Sometimes, she stops to sniff at something, or play with a fly in the air, which Chu Wanning always stops at himself.

“No, she doesn’t scratch,” Chu Wanning affirms, “unless someone isn’t nice to her, or when I have to give her medication for some reason.”

“You said you found her outside as a kitten, right? That’s pretty fucking horrible, though,” Mo Ran sighs, “I used to basically have a dog as a kid, actually. Not for long, because my mom made me take it to an animal shelter, because the streets obviously weren’t the place for it. But for like three weeks, I did take care of it. Miss the little guy. Hope he’s had a great life.”

Then, Mo Ran leans back down to go scratch away at Plum’s ears and chin because hey, okay, he’s enamored with her too, alright? She’s really fucking cute, and that gives him cute aggression, and who to better let that out with than the culprit herself? He can feel Chu Wanning’s gaze on him. Good. That way, Chu Wanning might just be able to fall in love with him, right? Going on a date with him, watching him pet his cat, isn’t this all the perfect romance movie tropes?

“You’re so cute, and you’re having such a nice life because your owner’s so great, right? And his flatmate’s making you such nice food sometimes when he’s got the time to cook you something, right?”

“…She’s going to stop eating storebought food if you keep it up.”

“No, no, stop lying, Wanning,” Mo Ran says, but doesn’t bother looking back while he makes sure that Plum purrs as loudly as she can. He presses her ears flat and looks at her little pencil-shape face, then strokes her body (and thus also her harness) down with both hands again. “You literally buy her the really expensive food, she won’t grow tired of it.”
“…Because most wet food is pretty bad for cats, so I’d rather invest than have her live off something with way too much sugar.”

“Hmm, see? You’ve got such a great owner, Plum, almost wished I was a dog myself-“

“Mo Ran!” Chu Wanning shouts at that remark, and Mo Ran looks back over his shoulder and shoots a grin at a very flustered Chu Wanning.

See? Maybe it’s okay if he flirts with him just a bit, just for fun. Besides, he’d rather have a flustered Chu Wanning than a gloomy Chu Wanning.

“…Chu Wanning?”

Both whip their heads around to see Shi Mei standing there, dressed in his usual green and blue – except it’s clearly sporty clothes this time, must’ve been working out – and some other guy Mo Ran hasn’t ever seen. Honestly? That’s just some twink. He’s more of a twink than Shi Mei at any rate. Not that Shi Mei is actually very twinky. He might give that impression, but when you look at him a bit more closely, he really isn’t. He’s a twunk at best.

…Not that Mo Ran cares. He couldn’t care less, because Shi Mei is so not his type.

“Shi Mei,” Chu Wanning says, flicking both of his hands and then putting them behind his back, as if he was caught doing something forbidden. Probably because he’s out with his student. And his cat.

“I didn’t know you have a cat!” he says, a genuine smile on his face (which, somehow, looks a bit weird to Mo Ran, like it’s not meant to be there; he can’t quite pin down why, though). “What’s her name?”

“…Plum,” Chu Wanning says, a panicked little glance at the other guy that’s with Shi Mei. Does he know him?

“Aww, that’s a perfect name. Do you think I can pet her?”

“…Probably,” Chu Wanning says, so Shi Mei leans down. He gives her only a few pets, and Plum looks a bit bewildered, given he’s a stranger, but doesn’t move or try to duck away.
“She’s very cute. So… what are you two doing? Just… walking the cat? Going somewhere?”

Why does this conversation feel so horribly awkward anyways? Only after asking that to begin with does Shi Mei seem to snap out of it a little.

“Ah, that’s my friend by the way. We play basketball together, so… we’re just on our way home. We know each other from high school, actually, so it was funny when we met each other again…”

The guy next to him seems a bit awkward, but does shake hands with them very quickly as they all introduce each other.

Mo Ran crosses his arms because this wasn’t how his date with Chu Wanning was meant to go. Not that it’s an official date, because it’s not. Sadly. He wished it was.

“We’re about to go get pizza,” Mo Ran announces, “I’m pretty hungry, so we should probably get going.”

“Yes, of course,” Shi Mei agrees with him, luckily. “I need to get home anyways, my brother’s waiting for me anyway. And his new boyfriend. They’re still a thing, which I guess is good.”

Good for Mo Ran, too, because that means Rong Jiu will leave him the fuck alone and not beg him for his money. He still hasn’t messaged him. Of course he has him blocked, but usually, that doesn’t stop Rong Jiu. But now he hasn’t, so maybe Mo Ran has ought to thank that Hua Binan guy for his life or whatever.

“Yes, that’s alright,” Chu Wanning says, but he does give Mo Ran a weird small look, as if he’s realizing that Mo Ran doesn’t really want to talk to Shi Mei. He’d be correct.
“You two have fun on your date then!” Shi Mei says, waving a little, and walking off before either Mo Ran or Chu Wanning can get a word in. His friend just gives them another awkward smile, then hurries after him.

Mo Ran, Chu Wanning, and Plum are left standing there, Chu Wanning holding his cat on his leash and growing increasingly red.

“I already…! I already told him this isn’t the case!” he stutters, and he looks so beautifully embarrassed about this all that Mo Ran… he can’t help himself but make it worse.
“This isn’t a date? But Wanning, you’re paying for my food. We’re having a romantic little walk. Sure, Plum is third-wheeling a little and I’m your student, but isn’t this just like in one of these raunchy romance novels or shoujo animes-“

“Mo Ran!” Chu Wanning hisses, stomping over and literally kicking his leg like he’s an elementary school kid. “Stop saying these things! This is obviously not a date! You’re right, you’re my student, and that would be wholly inappropriate!”

“Is that your only argument against this being a date?”

Fine. Mo Ran is really just flirting with him at this point, isn’t he? Whatever. Chu Wanning deserves to be flirted with, and he’s so beautifully defenseless against it that Mo Ran just can’t keep himself from doing this.

“…No,” Chu Wanning says, “I wouldn’t go on a date with someone dressed like that.”

“Hm? Is the dog shirt so ugly to you? Look, I know you’re a cat person…”

“That’s not the reason.”

“What then? Is it ‘cause I haven’t done my hair? Wow, Wanning, so picky for our first date.”

“This is not a date,” Chu Wanning decidedly states, staring Mo Ran down once more as if he’s really and actually lost it now.

Sadly, even Mo Ran can’t bring himself to do more than that, or say that it’s a date to him. Maybe this is a date. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s both a date and not at all, at the same time. Schrödinger’s date.

He’s fine with Schrödinger’s date, actually.

Still… one more won’t hurt, right?

“And you won’t even hold my hand on our first date,” Mo Ran complains, making very, very sure to pout at him.

Chu Wanning bristles like a cat, and for a good second, Mo Ran has the very delusional hope that maybe he angered Chu Wanning into grabbing his hand just so that he will shut the fuck up, but that doesn’t happen. His right hand stays in his pocket, and the left one grabs Plum’s leash even more tightly.

“This isn’t a date,” he repeats, “you’re just as bad as my father.”

“…Hey, hey no, that’s unfair!” Mo Ran laughs, trailing after him once Chu Wanning starts walking again, “take that back!”

However, Chu Wanning just turns his back, and him and Plum take off. Mo Ran stumbles after them, suddenly feeling like this whole thing really got turned against him.

Once he catches up to the person he’s totally not on a date with, he does see the slightest of sadistic smiles on Chu Wanning’s face. Ugh. Sometimes, he can be a bastard.

“Wanning. Take that back, or else I’ll actually hold your hand, and you won’t get a choice in the matter.”

That works.

Chu Wanning stuffs his other hand – still holding the leash of course – into his pocket too, smile dropping from his face.

“Fine. You’re not like my father. But you’re still pretty annoying.”

“Hm,” Mo Ran makes, taking over the smiling for the two of them. “You don’t hate me being annoying, though.”

“Who says I don’t?”

“Me! I say it,” Mo Ran says, and since Chu Wanning’s hand is in his pockets, he instead tucks Chu Wanning’s arm into his, “there, now we look like a real couple-“

That one earns him another kick from the side, much stronger this time, and Mo Ran very voluntarily lets go.

For a few steps, he stumbles, which makes Plum look at him like he’s stupid – like her owner, huh? She really is learning from him.

But hey, the pain is worth it, because Mo Ran sees a smile on Chu Wanning’s lips again. Less sadistic this time. It’s an honest one.

He’ll take a bruise on his leg if it means that he’s successfully cheered him up.

Chapter Text

“Thanks for having me,” Ye Wangxi says once more, and really, Chu Wanning has never understood the fuzz. Her and Mo Ran are best friends, right? Why so formal? Besides, doesn’t he always go over to hers, unannounced? So now that she’s here, why is she acting like she’s so big of a bother or whatever?

“No issue, no issue!” Mo Ran laughs, patting her shoulder a few times. “I know you get all lonely without your boytoy.”

“…Do not call my boyfriend and soon-to-be-fiancé my ‘boytoy’, Mo Ran,” she complains with a little sigh, but obediently takes off her shoes before stepping inside, then arranging them next to Mo Ran’s and Chu Wanning’s. “I just want to make sure I’m not… intruding on anything.”

Somehow, she says that in a weird tone of voice, and honestly, at this point, Chu Wanning can’t lie – he thinks she knows. She must know that he’s in love with Mo Ran because apparently, he’s more obvious than he thought. Of course in Xue Zhengyong’s case, it was his wife who realized that he’s in love with Mo Ran, and the man just ended up agreeing, because he agrees with everything his wife does. But Ye Wangxi seems to have realized on her own, and Chu Wanning sincerely isn’t sure how to deal with that thought. Whatever. This is just how it is now.

“Well, Nangong Si’s a boytoy to me,” Mo Ran says with a little shrug, “anyway, anyway, come in, I’ve baked raspberry muffins once I got home from the exam to celebrate my last exam being over. No more studying, only two essays, and I’ve got one drafted already because-“

Somehow, Mo Ran stops at that.

“Because?” Ye Wangxi asks, raising an eyebrow at him, and hanging up her rain jacket on the small rack they have here.

“…Because I desperately needed distraction from studying for Wanning’s exam and I wanted to procrastinate on it, but I wanted to procrastinate on it usefully, so there we were. Oh well.”

“I can’t blame you,” Chu Wanning says, “taking breaks and studying different things at once is good.”

“You… haven’t corrected my exam yet, right?”

Chu Wanning shakes his head, but really, he has. He’s halfway through with this class’s exams. It’s easy exams to correct, and they’re mostly one sentence answers or shorter calculations. Of course they’re allowed calculators and stuff, so it’s really just learning the equations by heart and using them correctly. But he has corrected Mo Ran’s exam, and he’s not going to tell him until he actually puts the grades in for all the students, because he won’t treat him differently.

Mo Ran has a very good amount of points, because clearly, he’s studied enough. He’s missing six points, and Shi Mei is missing eight. Both their scholarships should be safe at least from Chu Wanning’s side. The two were on top of the class even, and there are already some who have failed. That’s usual for the first semester – a lot of people start studying something that they soon find isn’t suited to them. Chu Wanning doesn’t mean to kick them out, of course, and he is strict about which answers he accepts in phrasing and everything, but he’d like to think that he isn’t unreasonable about it.

“Ah, dangit, I better have passed,” Mo Ran grumbles, already on his way to the kitchen to grab everyone a muffin. “I mean, I can ask Dad to pay for my expenses and stuff, but I’d really rather live off my own money, and I really just want a car at this point. The buses are so fucking annoying to use.”

Yes, that much is true, unless you’re Chu Wanning and you have no places to be in the evening.

“I think there’s going to be new bus schedules starting next year,” Ye Wangxi says, “but I haven’t seen them yet, and they’re probably still in the works. It’s fine, me and A-Si are going to be done with our studies soon anyways. Just another year left at this point, and then we just have to find work, and then we’ll hopefully make more than enough money to get a car or a flat further downtown or something.”

Really, Chu Wanning does like her – how could he not? But it also irks him how, even though she’s younger than him, she seems to have her life together much more than him. Hell, here he is, still waiting on confirmation of whether or not he will get the flat (he will get the answer latest by Sunday; it’s Wednesday now), or whether he has to keep searching. If he doesn’t make it into this one, he’ll have to branch out to neighbouring towns.

“It’ll be fine, you’re both very highly qualified,” Mo Ran says, placing a muffin in both her and Chu Wanning’s hand.

His fingers graze his palm a little, and Chu Wanning swallows. He wants to hold his hand again. After the entire thing with his father happened over three weeks ago, it’s felt like they were… closer, somehow. They’re still watching that anime, given it’s quite long, and sometimes they sit closer together than truly needed. It’s probably just Mo Ran being more comfortable with him now or something, but…

The remarks he makes are weird, lately. Sometimes, Chu Wanning thinks that it sounds almost like Mo Ran wants to hold his hand, too, or like he wants to be close to him or be with him, but it’s probably just his lecherous old man mind trying to make him believe such things. In reality, Mo Ran could never mean it like that. Well, at least it makes him feel like a lecherous old man, not a lecherous old woman.

If that were the case and Chu Wanning actually got dysphoric over it, it might just be the time to end it all right then and there.

“Ah, it’s just so boring without A-Si around,” Ye Wangxi complains at one point. Chu Wanning isn’t sure he’s ever seen her be so openly peeved at something like this, because she seems a tiny bit like him, hiding her feelings and everything, but clearly she doesn’t really have many issues regarding that as long as it’s about her boyfriend.

“I get it, I get it,” Mo Ran laughs, sitting down as the first person. Ye Wangxi follows, sitting down opposite of him, so that Chu Wanning has no choice left but to sit down next to Mo Ran if he doesn’t want to get an extra chair. He overheard the neighbour talking about just how many people fit in the kitchen at one point though, because apparently the previous people living here were kind of part of a large family or something. Honestly, yeah, the kitchen is small, but in comparison to what he was used to during his days as a student at his university, this is a very, very large kitchen.

…Not that Chu Wanning needed a kitchen, because he mostly lived off takeout anyway.

“I’ll also feel really lonely when Wanning moves out.”

Chu Wanning freezes right then and there, not just because of Mo Ran’s sentence, but also because of the smile on Ye Wangxi’s face as she looks at Chu Wanning, clearly observing his reaction. Oh, this is so bad at any rate. She has got to know.

As composed as he can, Chu Wanning clears his throat. He’s sure that his voice doesn’t come out nearly as stable as he wants it to, but Mo Ran next to him doesn’t show any reaction that’d imply he knows.

“…I cannot keep living here, and we’ve been over this, Mo Ran,” he says, trying to act the most exaggerated he can, but neither Mo Ran’s nor Ye Wangxi’s expressions change.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Everything Chu Wanning can hope for is that he gets this flat and that he can move into it in two weeks, and that he can not be with his crush as much anymore, because it’s starting to infuriate him.

Him, a crush, at thirty-two years old.

“I’ll just come by daily to do your chores,” Mo Ran says, bumping into his shoulder once, and Chu Wanning just… God, how the hell is he meant to not die about all of this? He’s tired, at this point, he really is. Their knees are touching below the table. Chu Wanning puts his legs back together, as tightly as he can.

“Don’t bother,” he says, “I can do my own chores.”

“Nope. You can’t.”

“I very much can.”

“Mo Ran’s very good at chores, you should take him up on the offer,” Ye Wangxi chimes in, “when are you getting a response?”

“…This week,” Chu Wanning says, “one of the applicants dropped out though, according to Xue Zhengyong. So, I might be lucky after all.”

Next to him, Mo Ran fidgets a little.

“Well, I’ll still make sure to come over every now and then, I mean, you’ll be living right next to my dad, so, you know.”

Once more, Ye Wangxi just looks at him and Chu Wanning…

He feels very, very uncomfortable with all of this. She knows. What if she tells Mo Ran? He has to let her know that she can never tell him, but at the same time, what if she doesn’t actually know, and he’s just making it all up in his head? Then, he’d have told her, and wouldn’t that be significantly worse? Fuck, fuck, fuck, at this point, he doesn’t know what to do anymore. There’s only so much he can convince himself of, and some of the things Mo Ran does for him, he just-

He doesn’t know whether he can still convince himself for so much longer that Mo Ran doesn’t like him back. He knows that’s a dangerous line of thought because he should never even be considering this, because it’s probably such bullshit, but…

But what if Mo Ran does like him back? What if that’s what his smile means, and his insistence on how much he’ll miss him? He just… Chu Wanning thinks that there might be hope, and that’s a very dangerous thing. He doesn’t need hope. He doesn’t want hope, because that’s arguably going to make all of his feelings worse.
“Anyway, how’s the muffin?” Mo Ran asks, “I tried my best, given it’s such a simple recipe.”

“They’re really good, as always,” Ye Wangxi answers, “I wished A-Si was here to-“

“Wangxi,” Mo Ran interrupts him. “Don’t talk about him like he’s dead. He’s on a four-day-trip. You’ll survive.”

“I was doing fine for the first two days, but then exams were over, so… Chu Wanning, do you still have any exams? Not to sit yourself, of course, I know you don’t.”

“No, everything’s done with this last exam. The last three classes I have tomorrow and on Friday are all for papers or other types of credits. I have to check more papers and the exams, of course. I’ll be free after my Friday classes though, so I’ll get a good amount of work done.”

Only now does Chu Wanning take a bite from the muffin. As expected, it’s very good – when is Mo Ran’s food ever not good? They’re fluffy as hell, perfectly sweet, the raspberries are perfectly distributed, and the small bits of chocolates, too. The powdered sugar on them isn’t at all clogged together or anything either.

These muffins are going to be good enough for him to help push him through the other half of the exams later tonight. He can put in the grades tomorrow then, if everything goes well. Even if that’s mostly to reassure Mo Ran that he won’t lose his scholarship because of him, at least. He seems so terribly earnest about keeping it and not financially relying on anyone. All Chu Wanning knows is that if they ever did get together (they won’t, because Mo Ran doesn’t love him back), then he could pay for a lot of his expenses if he just donated less. He does make good money, and he doesn’t really spend it on anything else. Mo Ran could just move in with him, that flat would be enough and…

He has to stop entertaining such thoughts already. That won’t ever happen. Even if they ever moved together again one day in the future, it’d just be a convenience thing.

Plum will also miss him, he’s pretty sure. She’s gotten so used to him so fast, always sleeping on him and just sitting next to him when he’s studying or whatever he’s doing with his laptop sometimes.

“Do our exams first, okay, Wanning?” Mo Ran asks, “my other exam prof’s already said she might take two months to get back to us, and I’m pretty sure my deadline for the scholarship check-in is in two months and a half, so that’s absolutely terrifying.”

Ah yes. Chu Wanning knows the struggle from his own days as a student.

“You’ll be fine, just e-mail her and pressure her,” he says, “that always works.”

“Employ me as your lawyer if something does go wrong,” Ye Wangxi says, and she sounds a bit more serious than Chu Wanning would’ve expected. He’s not sure whether this is a joke or not.

“So, muffins are good?” Mo Ran asks, sounding very anxious, and clearly trying to distract from the topic at hand. Chu Wanning will let him make that distraction, because he gets the panic, really.

“Yes,” he says, “they’re good.”

Mo Ran opens his mouth to say something else, but a loud ringing sound interrupts him. Every single damned time their bell rings, Chu Wanning ends up flinching just because of how stupidly loud it is. Mo Ran gives him a small look at that, then gets up with a sigh.

“I’m gonna check who it is. I ordered a t-shirt the other day, so it might be that, because I don’t have a pride shirt anymore and figured I need one. No clue where the old one went.”

However, that one’s said with another side glance at Chu Wanning.

Unrelated to noise this time, Chu Wanning flinches. So, Mo Ran did realize he’s taken his shirt and made it his.

“If you want it back, just say so,” he coughs.

“No, no,” Mo Ran responds, already in the door to the hallway and looking at him with one of these large grins that could kill Chu Wanning, and that do kill him actively with each passing day, “you can keep it, that’s fine. But I can’t have people thinking I’m straight, so you know. Think the neighbours might start judging me if I seemed too straight at one point, too.”

With that, Mo Ran is off to the door, leaving Chu Wanning and Ye Wangxi to awkwardly stare at each other.

…And Plum, who walks into the kitchen and towards her bowl of kibble. Her eating noises fill the room before even the person in their door becomes audible. Chu Wanning does however realize pretty fast that it’s the neighbour’s voice, even if he doesn’t talk to her much. When he does, he keeps it to the smalltalk he’s learned over the years because he knows that people don’t find it very easy to talk to autistic people. At one point, Mo Ran did tell him that her partner is literally also autistic, so maybe there’s no need though.

“Oh, bless you’re here, Mo Ran, I’m sorry, but I’m home alone and there’s a really large hornet in my room that just came in through the fucking window and it won’t leave and I’m scared for my life. Do you mind hornets? Can you just… I don’t know, not catch it I guess, but just help me get rid of it? Please?”

“…Yeah, I don’t mind bugs, apart from maggots and stuff. And spiders. Hornets are fine, I’ll help. Your partner isn’t home?”

“Nah, they’re sitting their last exam right now. My other friends aren’t around either, and I’m scared for my life and I think it’s literally going to kill me.”

Right. That adds up. Ye Wangxi also gives a small smile at that, but it might also be at the pronoun the neighbour is using for her partner. Chu Wanning isn’t entirely sure.

“I’ll take care of it. I’ve made muffins by the way, you guys can have some. I’ll give you one once I’ve done my job. You got a flycatcher or something?”

“Y-yeah, my partner’s allergic to mosquitoes, so that’s a given.”

Chu Wanning has never heard of anyone being allergic to mosquitoes, but he’s sure that exists. The poor guy, that must be pretty annoying. He can’t imagine.

Mo Ran walks back into the kitchen.

“So, you’ve probably heard I’ve got a hornet to get rid of. I’ll be back in a bit, please don’t set the kitchen on fire while I’m gone, Wanning, and Wangxi…”

He gives her a look, and she looks back and just gives a short shrug. Chu Wanning has not a single idea what the hell that means, but whatever.

“Alright, I’ll be right back!” he says, waving at them, and then he’s gone with the neighbour.

“The neighbour’s trans?” is the first thing Ye Wangxi asks once they’re alone. Chu Wanning still isn’t entirely used to these questions being asked so casually. It makes him feel old, even though he knows that the problem isn’t with his generation, but rather with Huaizui and the environment he subsequently grew up in. Still doesn’t fail to make him feel old though.

“Both of them, as far as I’m aware,” he replies.

Ye Wangxi finishes her muffin, putting the cupcake liner to the side.

“Are you friends with them? You know, since you’re all…”

Awkwardly, Chu Wanning coughs.

“No. I haven’t told them. I don’t talk to people a lot.”

“I’ve noticed,” there’s no malice in her voice at all; usually, Chu Wanning would take offense in this, but he can tell that she’s sincere, “I should go talk to them, maybe, because I don’t think they come to our trans meetups. Ah, what was the name of that man you’ve taken care of before?”

“Shi Mei.”

“Right, right, Shi Mei goes there, by the way. He’s brought his brother once, even if he’s not trans and all, but like… has his brother always been… that way?”

This time, there is malice in her voice. Well, maybe not malice, but dislike at least. He can’t blame her. Hua Binan is extravagant, if one wants to put it lightly, and a bad person if one wants to put it any other way. Shi Mei is very able to keep him in check, even when Chu Wanning wasn’t able to do the same.

“Yes,” he says in the end because there’s no point in lying to her anyway. “He’s always been that way. Just… stay clear of him, if Shi Mei ever brings him around again.”

“I will. Though to me… it seems like Shi Mei isn’t terribly fond of him, either.”

“Shi Mei’s family is quite large,” Chu Wanning says, “their father seems to have been… promiscuous. He’s only in contact with one more sister, though, and they don’t see each other a lot. Hua Binan is all he really has, but… he’s made friends at university now, so it seems like he’s doing well.”

Really, Chu Wanning is quite proud of him. Shi Mei always used to be the quiet child, always letting himself be beaten by everyone, and Hua Binan being the only one to stand up for him. Deep down, that guy is also just trying to keep them alive, Chu Wanning is sure. He just wished… he just wished Hua Binan’s criminal record was a bit smaller, that’s all.
“I see. Ah, you’re also invited to the meetings, by the way, Chu Wanning.”

There’s a loud scream from next door; probably the hornet flying a little too close to the neighbour.

“…I don’t know. I don’t do particularly well in these kinds of social settings.”

“That’s fine!” she says, “no pressure, of course. Just wanted to invite you along, you know? If you don’t want to come, that’s alright. But say, you’re fine living with Mo Ran, right? Even if you’re not fond of interacting with others this much.”

That question. God, she knows. There’s no way she doesn’t know. Awkwardly, Chu Wanning shifts in his chair once, then looks up at her, only to go right back to avoiding her gaze. His heartbeat picks up uncomfortably so as anxiety spikes, his palms starting to get sweaty and that quiet feeling of dread settling somewhere deep inside of him.

All he has to do is not confirm it outright, because then, it’ll just be her own assumption. That, he can do. He can hide it well enough from others, even if somehow three separate people have by now assumed that him and Mo Ran are a thing. To be fair, of course Wang Chuqing would know, for one. She’s incredibly observant with these things, and without her, Xue Zhengyong would likely never have caught on. Shi Mei just got a wrong impression from that conversation he overheard, and Ye Wangxi…

Well.

She’s just perceptive, he supposes.

“Yes, I’m fine living with him. He’s… considerate, I suppose.”

“Yeah,” Ye Wangxi says, “in his own way, but he certainly is. Did he tell you just how many people he’s beaten up for me because they were transphobic to me? He’s a saint, really, his problems this or that, and he’s recovered a lot and worked very hard on himself. Mo Ran is a good guy.”

“…I guess.”

“I meant what I said that one time, by the way. Please take good care of him.”

Ah. Yeah, he does remember her saying that, and it still feels just as awkward as before.

“I’m not his father,” he sighs, “I’m just his professor, and I’m not meant to be anything else to him.”

Somehow, that earns him a little laugh. Frustratedly, Chu Wanning reaches for a second muffin and unwraps it and bites into it, praying with every scream from the hornet hunters next door to please be done soon so he can get out of this conversation.

“I know you’re not his father. You wouldn’t leave him like that, I don’t think.”

Midway through chewing, Chu Wanning stops. His mouth hangs open for just a second before he swallows, and lets it sink. All the feelings come back again. The look on that boy’s face when he first left, the tears spilled and his desperate screams to not leave him, to not desert him like his mother and father did, like all the other kids did because they didn’t like him. The small hands grasping at his shirt, fingers holding the white cloth in a vice grip. The small, small smile as he bit into that wonton at dawn, and then all the much, much brighter smiles he shot him whenever they made them together.

And then, he feels like he’s back then again, just like he did with his father again.

It feels like nothing has ever changed.

It feels like Chu Wanning is once more standing at the gate to the orphanage, holding that husky plushie in one hand, feeling like nothing is going to be okay ever again, all because of a stupid delayed flight and then that stupid traffic, and then his stupid legs not carrying him fast enough, and then the stupid orphanage not being allowed to give out any information about him anymore. He feels just like back then, and it hurts, and-

“I might,” he croaks out, and he has no idea why he’s saying that. It’s probably because it’s just been a lot, recently. Huaizui, the university stress, correcting exams and papers left and right, because he knows how awful it is for students to have to wait, working out adjustments to his next book with the publisher, and even just being in love with Mo Ran, because that’s a whole emotional turmoil by itself.

“Hm?”

“…I left someone once, already,” he says, and he really doesn’t want to go into depth, but Chu Wanning – he’s tired. After all this time, he’s just tired. “It was a child, and I left him, and I had less of a reason to do so originally than I thought at the time. I’m capable of hurting people, and I’m well aware of that. I’m not going to act like that’s untrue.”

For a bit, Ye Wangxi’s eyes go a little wider, but then her smile just grows.

“Don’t worry. If you’re so scared of hurting him, then I don’t think you’re going to do it. If anything, if you get too scared, that’s when you’ll actually hurt someone. Don’t worry, Mo Ran wants you around. And the past is the past, so whoever you have left, I’m very sure you can still make up for it one day.”

“Maybe,” he sighs, hesitantly taking another bite from the muffin. He started eating it, so now he also has to finish eating it, he supposes. “It’s not like I do a lot for Mo Ran anyway. He does all the chores.”

“Right. I don’t think he minds that much, though. So don’t worry about it all too much. He likes doing chores, he likes cooking, Mo Ran’s just like that. If you gave him a whole room to clean, he’d do it for free. He’s the kind of guy who might run one of those social media accounts that clean out really filthy houses for people who can’t do it. But you know, if you want to do something for him, I think it’d still make him really happy, so no need to hold back at any rate.”

“What the hell could I possibly do for him?” Chu Wanning asks, but then remembers. “…Well, I guess he did ask me to make wonton for him.”

Grabbing his glass of water, he flushes down some of the muffin. His hunger having disappeared at this stupid feeling. Mentioning wonton also certainly doesn’t make this better right now, given how they first met. Not him and Mo Ran of course, but him and that kid.

“See? But don’t worry about it. He wouldn’t mind it either way, but…”

“No, you’re right,” Chu Wanning admits in the end, “I do feel like I should do something for him before moving out, even if it’s just to thank him for cooking for me all the time, since I can’t exactly have this affect his grades and whatnot. That’d be unprofessional.”

Being in love with your student is so much more unprofessional than being bribed, a voice inside of him says, and Chu Wanning relents. The voice is right. Changing some grades at this point really wouldn’t be the biggest of his issues.

“I’m sure he’ll really appreciate it. Do you handmake the wrappers, too?”

“…Yeah. I learned how to do it once, so… it’s not that big of an issue. Following recipes isn’t that hard.”

Or, in other words – following recipes is the absolute only way Chu Wanning manages to make something edible, unless it’s wonton, simply because he’s got that recipe memorized by now, which isn’t hard, given how often he makes them, and for how long he’s been doing so.

“Mo Ran’s never handmade them, I think. He said he’s usually too lazy to do that. He’s pretty good at folding them, though, so he can still help you.”

“No, if I’m cooking for him, I’m doing it myself. I’ll probably just do it tomorrow, since he’s got a late evening class, so then he’d at least not have to cook when he comes home. I mean, he still has class Friday morning, because that’s my class, but...”

After that, who knows whether he will even see Mo Ran next semester, if he doesn’t take any of his classes? He probably won’t show up at his house as often as he says, either. First semester might be their hardest, time-wise, but the next semesters very much focus on making students study more and more by themselves and working independently. He’ll have a lot to do when at home, or he’ll be in the library.

“Yeah, I’ll also celebrate the end of the semester with A-Si once he’s back. We’re probably just going out though. We’re both not particularly great at cooking and baking, and we deserve it after the mess that is his family drama.”

Yeah.

Chu Wanning can only imagine. At least he only has one messed up family member instead of too many to even count. Back when he’d still worked at Rufeng, he’d really thought Nangong Yan was a decent man, much more decent than Nangong Liu. Oh, how wrong he’d been.

“Mo Ran said he’s found the child?”

“Yeah, but he can’t reach out to him. Probably for the better.”

“Yes,” Chu Wanning agrees, because he’s been in this for so long, and when children choose not to have any contact with their parents, they do it for a reason.

He’s also done it for a reason.

And now, he’s back to actually having some contact with Huaizui. He still panics a little when he gets a message, and it’s only been twice ever since last week, but it also feels… weirdly nice. Like maybe they can make this work at least a little bit. There are things they won’t be able to get over, won’t be able to forget, and Chu Wanning doesn’t want close contact with him, but…

He does also have loving memories of him. And it’d be nice if these could hurt a little less, if he could instead learn to cherish them.

“Either way,” Ye Wangxi says, raising her head when they both hear a key turning in the lock, which means Mo Ran must be back and done with that hornet, “he’ll be happy about it, whenever you decide to make these for him.”

Chu Wanning only manages another small nod before Mo Ran and the neighbour both walk in, clearly still a little distressed from their adventure, but also just chatting away about his muffins.

“Can I get two? Only if that’s fine, I’m just asking because my boyfriend really likes food, so you know… I can also just cut one in half though-“

“Nah, it’s fine, I’ve got more than enough,” Mo Ran says, absentmindedly patting the neighbour on the shoulder and already grabbing her two muffins, as she stands in the door to the kitchen in just a mint green sundress and a pair of pink flipflops. It… fits her, somehow. She gives that exact feeling. Easygoing and everything.

“Even Wanning can’t eat all of these on his own,” Mo Ran says, “ah, by the way, that’s my best friend over there. She doesn’t own an ikea shark yet like you guys do, but it’s about time.”

…Huh?

Chu Wanning may be utterly confused, but Ye Wangxi clearly gets it, because she gives a short laugh.

“Ah, yeah, yeah, Mo Ran, you should gift me one. Gift your professor one too while you’re at it, you know.”

“…I don’t need an… ikea shark?” Chu Wanning tries to voice, because he’s so genuinely confused about all of this. However, the neighbour just gives him a small smile.

“Yes, you do! It’s fine. I can get you guys ikea sharks, because no one should be trans and not own one, so there’s that.”

Oh. It must be a young trans people thing then, so of course he wouldn’t understand. Still, of course he doesn’t need a plush shark – what for? He’s never had plushies, not even as a child, not until he bought that husky plush for-

Yeah.

He doesn’t need one. He’s never had one.

And he doesn’t deserve one, either.

This time though, Chu Wanning doesn’t feel very offended by someone finding out he’s trans, simply because clearly his neighbour is trans, so is Ye Wangxi, and Mo Ran, well – Mo Ran is just Mo Ran. He doesn’t have any issues with this.

“Alright you guys! Nice meeting you, we should totally talk another day, but I’ve got more drawing to do, so I’ve ought to leave with my beautiful little muffins!” the neighbour announces, raising the muffins into the air a little.

“Yeah, good luck!” Mo Ran says, “tell your partner I’ve said ‘hi’!”

“Will let them know!”

Then, she leaves, but only after excitedly cooing at Plum walking past her, but then the cooing noises turn into sad noises because she can’t pet her with her hands full of muffins.

Once the door clicks shut, Mo Ran rolls his shoulders once, then sits back down.

“So anyway, did Wangxi say anything strange?”

“…Hm? No.”

“I wouldn’t! It’s all good, Ran-er, no worries,” she says, “you know I’m not mean to people. I’m not you.”

“…You got me there,” Mo Ran laughs, now also grabbing a muffin. “So anyways, what do we do with the rest of our day till Wangxi’s boyfriend comes back? We should get drunk-“

“Mo Ran, no, you have class tomorrow, from eight in the morning to six at night, you’re not getting drunk,” Chu Wanning says, finally finishing that second muffin he’d started.

“He’s right. You really shouldn’t drink.”

“…Aww. Roasting the cat, then?”

As if annoyed by his shitty joke, Plum twitches her ear at him, and jumps into Chu Wanning’s lap.

“Don’t think she liked that joke,” Ye Wangxi says with a nod at the cat, and Plum simply curls up on his thighs before she can give any other reactions.

Whatever they end up doing with the rest of their day, Chu Wanning feels like he’s going to enjoy it either way, and like it’s going to be a very welcome distraction to all the exams and papers he’ll be busy with for another month before he can even think about continuing his own research.

Somehow, the weight of that feels easier now, even if he knows just how stressed he is at the moment.

While they try to come up with more ideas, he reaches for a third muffin, that feeling of dread inside of him finally dissipating, at least for now.

In his lap, Plum starts purring.

Chapter Text

It’s only one class left tomorrow morning, which is Chu Wanning’s, so he’ll survive. He still doesn’t have his grade (not to pressure Chu Wanning of course, Mo Ran knows he’s busy, but he’s getting scared, he knows others take literal months, he desperately needs to relax about this), but hey. The semester is almost over. He’s almost survived his first semester at university, and surely that means something, right?

He hasn’t yet disappointed his family either. He got to live with Chu Wanning for several months, in one house. He made friends (mostly the neighbours, and these two girls in all his introductory classes), he hasn’t had any super mega major breakdowns, he’s doing well. He hasn’t even had to go back on his psychiatric medications, actually. …Although he wouldn’t ever go back on his antidepressants even if begged by the doctors, because Mo Ran is not dealing with these side effects again, and if he ever gets really depressed again, he’d actually just rather deal with the depression at this point. Because if anything is certain to make him even more depressed, it’s not getting it up because of some stupid meds.

So, yeah, his life is going well, but also, goddamnit – he’s exhausted and tired and scared.

Only one class left with Chu Wanning. Only a single one. What the hell is he meant to do about that? He’s moving out in a week. He got the confirmation that he has the flat literally this morning, while they were eating breakfast.

What if he pushes him away?

What if he leaves again, properly, what if Mo Ran is left all alone once more?

Part of him just wants to tell him, at this point. Both that he’s in love with Chu Wanning, and that he’s that kid he made wonton for, once, in the past. He wants to let him know that he’d always be with him if only he lets him, that he’ll always be there to comfort him, but how the hell would he do any of this?

After all this time, wouldn’t Chu Wanning hate him for having hidden it from him right up until now?

He feels like a mess. It’s probably just him catastrophizing.

He should just turn this damned key around and go make dinner for Chu Wanning with whatever they still have in the house; he hasn’t gone shopping yet, he’ll do that after dinner. He’s too hungry and fed up to go to the store now. If anything, they still have rice and vegetables. Fried rice always works. There’s probably some smoked tofu still, too. He knows Chu Wanning doesn’t mind rather plain dishes, either.

So, taking a deep breath, Mo Ran finally turns the key and walks into the house. It’s eerily quiet, somehow. Is Chu Wanning even home? With a short look to the sideboard and to the floor next to it, he can affirm that yeah, he is. His keys for his office and the other university rooms are here, and so are his leather shoes. The door to his room is open, so Mo Ran quietly peeks inside. He doesn’t see him, but he does see Plum, curled up next to the husky plushie on his bed. Part of him really wants to go wake her up by petting her, but something tells him that she might not appreciate that a lot, so he leaves her be.

The bathroom door is also open, meaning he isn’t in there, either, which only leaves Mo Ran’s room and the kitchen.

Hell.

He’s acting like a spoiled wife or something, just wanting to see Chu Wanning after his long day at university. He just wants to come home. This flat isn’t home if Chu Wanning isn’t in it.

Mo Ran just wants to see him. That’ll make it all worth it.

Obviously he’s not going to be in his room, so Mo Ran walks to the kitchen and opens the door.

Yeah, he’s here.

Chu Wanning is here, because of course he is.

He’s standing at the counter, his hair put up in a bun, wearing a regular white t-shirt and shorts.

Good lord.

He’s wearing shorts.

Mo Ran’s actually going to get a nosebleed on the spot, holy shit, his legs. Oh, fuck, his legs, he’s actually going to lose it. They’re really loose and ugly jeans shorts, and Mo Ran has no idea why he’s suddenly wearing those when it’s arguably colder today than it’s been all summer, to the point he’s only dared to go out with a jacket this morning. But regardless of whether Mo Ran likes or hates the shorts, he surely likes his legs, good god, he’s so not normal about this old man.

…Not that Chu Wanning is old. He’s arguably not. He looks younger than Mo Ran, even, standing there, eyes locked in concentration, folding-

Chu Wanning turns around to him, and Mo Ran stares right back.

He looks at the plump, snow-white wonton scattered across the stove – it’s clean, Mo Ran cleaned everything after Ye Wangxi left yesterday night because that was still on his to-do list for the day – lying there just like they did back then, the wrappers all soft, covered in flour, shining on the edges that Chu Wanning must’ve wetted in order to fold them.
He still makes the wrappers himself.

Suddenly, Chu Wanning flinches, as if only now realizing that Mo Ran is here, and the wonton he was folding falls right out of his hand.

Both of them follow it with their eyes, and it’s still quiet. Mo Ran is already about to step forward to go pick it up, when Chu Wanning freezes whole, looking at him and then at the wonton and then back up at him, as all colour drains from his face.

“…Wanning?”

It looks like for a second, Chu Wanning tries to speak, but no sound leaves his throat. Instead, he closes his mouth back up without having said anything, still looking at the wonton on the floor, all lonely and-

He punches the counter with his fist so strongly that it makes a loud sound, and some of the wonton fall over.

Mo Ran is at a loss. He has no clue what’s happening right now, not at all, still entranced by the wonton, except then, with another shift in Chu Wanning’s expression and what he does next, he understands.

With a swift motion, Chu Wanning swipes several of the wonton off the counter as he takes what’s probably meant to be a deep breath. Instead, the breath ends up in a weird hitch of his voice, a sound Mo Ran hasn’t yet heard him make, and it gets exhaled in a much, much shakier manner than usual, too.

From there on out, all his breaths are shorter. They accelerate, every single one growing faster and faster, until Chu Wanning actually looks white as a sheet. He doesn’t look at Mo Ran anymore, just at the wonton on the floor, punching the counter with his fist again and looking so lost as he starts trembling and-

Oh fuck.

Chu Wanning is having a meltdown.

The realization hits Mo Ran like a slap in the face, and for a second, he has no idea what to do, has no idea how to handle this situation, because even back when Chu Wanning was younger, he’s never seen this. Stupidly, he wonders what set him off, but what kind of stupid line of thought? Chu Wanning has been stressed as hell with work, he’s slept poorly this night as he’s told Mo Ran in the morning, he had the excitement of getting the flat today too, they had Ye Wangxi over yesterday, he taught his classes today and then probably did more work without taking a break again, he’s had all this stuff with his father going on recently, and then he made wonton, he started making wonton, which Mo Ran knows does take quite a lot of effort, and then he dropped one.

That must’ve simply been the tipping point.

That’s just like spilling coffee on a bad day. Hell, Mo Ran’s had similar situations causing mental breakdowns before, and obviously that isn’t the same, but it’s still similar enough for him to understand.

“Hey,” he whispers, taking a step closer, and Chu Wanning doesn’t move at all. His gaze is fixed on the wonton he just pushed onto the floor in a fit of rage or whatever emotion he’s feeling right now, and Mo Ran knows what the first thing he has to do is now.

He approaches him, and kneels down.

Then, Mo Ran picks the wonton off the floor one by one, gathering them in his hands. One by one, he places them in his palm.

It’s only seven. The floor is clean.

They’ll still be able to eat them.

He won’t let them go to waste.

They feel both sticky and dry against his hands, depending on whether the floured bits or the wet edges are touching his skin. They look even better than back then, all round, the meat-filling shining through the skins where flour doesn’t cover it too thickly. They look cleaner in the way they’re folded too.

Despite the situation, Mo Ran can’t help but smile.

When he gets back up, Chu Wanning is still standing there, shaking, not saying a word, but he’s looking at him.

That’s good, Mo Ran thinks. He’s still with him. But, at the same time, he’s so calm that he thinks he needs to take action right here and now before Chu Wanning loses it and actually destroys the wonton he worked so hard to make, given the fact he looked so, so horribly lost when he threw the rest of them on the floor.

So, as fast as he can, Mo Ran gets a sieve, walks around Chu Wanning, and quickly buzzes off the wonton in the sieve with hot water. No matter how clean their floor is, there’s still a cat in the house. They’ll be cooked anyways so it’s going to be fine, and he’ll inspect them one by one later, but they’re most likely totally fine to eat.

Mo Ran has eaten worse.

He thinks that Chu Wanning must have, too.

He turns off the water and then looks at Chu Wanning, who’s still standing there, fist on the counter, eyes red-rimmed, shimmering, looking like he might cry.

Somehow, Mo Ran has the feeling he won’t cry in front of him.

“Hey,” he whispers again, just trying to awkwardly get his attention, trying to figure out what he needs right now. His teeth start chattering, the hand at his side absentmindedly starting to hit his leg as if searching an outlet for whatever’s going on with him right now. His feet start tapping the floor too, rhythmic little noises against the hardwood that, even in their consistency, manage to sound absolutely panicked.

Mo Ran may not have had a meltdown before because he’s not autistic, but he’s had panic attacks and flashbacks and mental breakdowns and psychotic episodes and whatnot, so he can handle this.

He can handle this.

“Hey, we should get out of here. The air isn’t good. I’ve left the window open in my room all day, we should go there. Is that okay?”

Mo Ran tries so desperately to keep his voice as soft as he possibly can, given the way Chu Wanning’s eyelashes are fluttering, his mouth opening and closing like he’s trying so hard to speak but nothing leaves his mouth at all, and he shrinks a little when Mo Ran leans in the tiniest bit.

…Is he scared of getting hit?

“You can nod or shake your head. You don’t have to speak,” he says in a low voice. “It’s okay. It’s just me.”

At that, Chu Wanning seems to relax just a tiny bit.

He gives a nod, barely noticeable, but noticeable to Mo Ran.

“Can you walk?”

Another nod. Okay.

Mo Ran walks towards the door, making sure Chu Wanning is following him, hearing his unsteady footsteps against the wooden floor as they walk towards his room.

He opens his door, leaving it open for him, and getting rid of some of the pillows on his bed so that Chu Wanning can comfortably sit down on it. He bunches up the blanket against the wall so he can lean against it if he wants to, and then points at it.

“Here. Sit down. It’s okay.”

He knows it’s not okay right now, but Chu Wanning just-

He looks so scared and small when he sits down on the bed, halfway falling when his legs seem to give in, just like a child, as if he’s actually scared someone is going to hit him. There’s probably things to Huaizui that Mo Ran doesn’t know. That’s probably for the better. Maybe it wasn’t him, maybe it was someone else, he doesn’t know, and that old coot doesn’t matter right now either way.

Chu Wanning pulls his legs onto the bed, hugging them, burying his face in his knees, only shaking and doing nothing else. As if, no matter what Mo Ran says, he’s still trying to hide, still trying to hold onto that composure of his even when he’s so clearly horribly unwell.

“Can I sit down next to you?”

He doesn’t get a response at first, but then, he sees the top of his head move in the slightest, in an affirming motion, so Mo Ran does sit down next to him. He makes sure to still have some distance, to not overwhelm him, not do anything without asking.

“…Truth be told, I don’t really know what to do right now,” he admits sheepishly, “but you don’t have to hide yourself. I’m not going to look down on you in any way. If there’s any way you can let me know what you need, then… do so, okay? Or I can ask easy question that you can answer, or…”

“I don’t know,” comes his voice, so meekly that it really and actually makes Mo Ran feel like he’d go to the ends of the world for this man. He’d destroy everyone who’s ever dared to hurt him, everyone who’s ever made him feel ashamed of just being seen, everyone who’s made it so that Chu Wanning himself doesn’t even know what he needs at this point. “No one’s ever-“

His voice breaks off with a heavy swallow, as if that’s everything he can manage. Swiftly, Mo Ran looks around the room, and sees with such relief that he has the cleaning bucket in his room from yesterday night still. He reaches for it by leaning over, since it’s just next to his bed, and pulls it closer. Just in case it’s needed.

“That’s okay. I’ll… I can just sit with you. Unless you want me to leave.”

Once more, no answer. Not at first, but then suddenly, Chu Wanning’s body revolts once, and Mo Ran is right about to grab that bucket in case he actually throws up, but then he realizes that isn’t the case.

Instead, Chu Wanning resurfaces, his cheeks looking like he will throw up, but instead, he just looks panicked, like he has no idea where to go or what to do, and so, he starts slapping his legs, again and again, as if that’s going to help. Maybe it does, sensation-wise, fuck as if Mo Ran knows – but he knows something else. He’s not going to let him hurt himself like this.

“Hey, hey, stop,” he makes, “Wanning, hey, that’s not going to help, you’re hurting yourself, just- can I touch you?”

For a second, that seems to snap Chu Wanning out of it, a tiny bit of colour returning to his face at the question, hands stopping. He looks bewildered, scared.

“Unless- unless that doesn’t help. I don’t know, I know people are different about it, but I could hold your hand or something, and you could press it however hard you’d like if that helps, I don’t know-“

Chu Wanning shakes his head vehemently this time and Mo Ran thinks that okay, well, it was worth a try. Then, that stops, and instead, he gives a desperate little shrug.

Oh.

He doesn’t know whether this would help, because-

“Has no one ever…?”

Another shake of his head, and Mo Ran feels like he might actually break any time soon, like he’s going to break because no one has ever loved him the way he deserved to. Has no one ever held his hand during a meltdown? Has no one ever offered to hold him while he’s at his worst, has no one ever…?

“Here,” Mo Ran says, feeling tears come into his eyes at the thought that no one’s ever fucking loved him the way he fucking deserves, no one has ever been there for him, no one’s ever bothered to fucking hold him, his voice shaking, “here, I’ll take your hand if you don’t shake your head, okay?”

And he lets him.

Chu Wanning doesn’t move, and Mo Ran takes his left hand first, and then reaches over for his right hand, too, holding both of them in his.

Almost immediately, fingers close around his in a vice-grip, clinging to him just like when he dragged him home after finding him with Huaizui. He holds Mo Ran’s hands like his life depends on that small, small physical contact he’s finally been granted, and shatters.

He doesn’t start crying, not exactly, but there’s breathy little noises leaving his mouth when he lets his feet hit the ground again, sometimes with voice, and it sounds almost like a scared cat. He can imagine that it must have not looked much different when Chu Wanning originally found Plum, at least.

Well, even if Chu Wanning isn’t crying, Mo Ran is, which Chu Wanning does seem to notice, because he blinks at him in utter confusion. All Mo Ran can really do is try to give him a small smile and squeeze his hands again.

“Is this helping?” he asks, and Chu Wanning does nod, even throughout what would probably be sobs and tears if only he allowed himself to be open about this. It’s okay. Mo Ran gets that it isn’t this easy. Maybe one day Chu Wanning will feel safe enough with him. If that day isn’t today, that’s okay.

He can just sit here with him until he’s better, and do whatever Chu Wanning wants him to do. That’s good enough. They can talk this over at another point, if Chu Wanning wants him to still be in his life. But given the fact he trusts him enough even during a breakdown, he feels like…

That might just be the case.

Maybe this isn’t as hopeless as Mo Ran thought. Romantic feelings aside – as long as he can keep Chu Wanning close in any way, that’s more than worth it.

They just sit together like this, but Chu Wanning doesn’t really get better. Mo Ran thinks that actually letting out his feelings even just a bit is better than shutting them down completely. Still, he has to do something.

“Wanning, you should try to breathe a bit more regularly. In and out, okay? Can you do that? Come on, breathe in slowly,” Mo Ran tries to instruct and surprisingly, Chu Wanning does comply. It’s shaky, and he doesn’t manage perfectly, but the breath he takes in is much less shallow and quick.

“And out,” Mo Ran instructs, and Chu Wanning does. For a while, that’s all they’re doing. Chu Wanning is still trembling all over, and Mo Ran can see now that he’s sweating, too. His palms feel sweaty too. He knows that he himself is still crying, which he really wished he wasn’t. What if he makes Chu Wanning uncomfortable? But how the hell could he not cry, given the fact that no one’s ever been there for him?

No one’s ever tried holding his hand before.

How the hell could Mo Ran not be sad about it?

For a while, Mo Ran just makes him breathe in the hope that it’ll help. It seems like it does, at least a little, because some colour returns to his face after all.

But he just… god, he looks so fucking pitiful, and Mo Ran really can’t help himself but ask. What could happen? Chu Wanning saying ‘no’, and that’d be the worst outcome. Or shaking his head right now, Mo Ran supposes, given that he doesn’t seem to be able to talk much.

“Hey, Wanning,” he starts, starting to rub circles into his hands with his thumbs, slowly, so as to not irritate him. He does his best to keep all of his motions slow right now in general, because he feels like that’ll help Chu Wanning the most, if anything.

Chu Wanning looks up at him, by now trying to breathe by himself. It’s working. He doesn’t look like he’s calmed down yet at all, but he doesn’t look like he’s about to die anymore. Mo Ran will take that.

“Can I… I really want to hug you right now. I won’t do it if you don’t want me to of course, but I really want to. Can I?”

Somehow, Chu Wanning doesn’t answer. He only really looks at him, and at the way he’s raising their joint hands just a bit. When he hasn’t responded after another few seconds, Mo Ran takes that as a yes. If he really didn’t want this, he’d tell him as much, or make it clear to him in some other way. Right now, Chu Wanning is probably just too scared to say that he wants this. That’s okay.

Mo Ran isn’t scared.

“Okay, here,” he whispers, letting go of one of Chu Wanning’s hands, because he can tell that helps. He’ll keep holding one. Instead, he takes him by the wrist and puts it to his own back, and then wraps his own arm around Chu Wanning.

Slowly, he pulls him close, his own heart beating so fast. He knows he’s still crying, and hugging Chu Wanning is probably not going to help that much. He hasn’t hugged him ever since he was a child. Who knows whether anyone who wasn’t one of the kids has ever hugged Chu Wanning?

Mo Ran feels like he’d rather not know the answer to that before he ultimately shatters about it.

Yet, that happens anyways.

Chu Wanning is stiff at first, and it takes Mo Ran directing him towards his shoulder to put his head onto it. Their position is a little awkward, given they’re sitting next to each other, so Mo Ran lets go of his other hand for a second to carefully take the leg of Chu Wanning’s that’s closest to him, and put it onto his own. He’ll ignore the fact he’s touching Chu Wanning’s naked skin right now, feeling the hair on his legs, the soft skin below, his palm all spread out against it, because right now is so not the situation to get a boner. The hand on his back only rests there; barely even that, to be honest. It hovers somewhere on his shirt, not really pressing against it, like he doesn’t know how to hug someone, even now that they’re a little closer.

Mo Ran takes his hand again and places their joint hands on his leg after, making sure to keep it somewhere low on his thigh, close to his knee.

Then, he pulls him close.

And Chu Wanning leans in.

He leans in as if it’s against his own will, as if he can’t help himself anymore. It’s him that suddenly lets go off Mo Ran’s hand to wrap both of his arms around him like he’s trying so, so hard to believe that any of this is real. He exhales some of those shaky breaths into Mo Ran’s shoulder, who hugs him back as strongly as he can, because clearly it’s pressure that Chu Wanning needs right now.

He’s still trembling, but he’s trembling in his arms. His breathing is unsteady, but it’s unsteady against his shoulders.

He’s still lonely, but also not anymore.

And Mo Ran himself is faced with the realization that Chu Wanning is beyond touch-starved. The way he clings to him, the way he buries his face in him, shaking his head sometimes as if to feel his shirt move below his forehead, the way his hands relax on their own sometimes but then go to grab at his shirt again, knuckles pressing into Mo Ran’s back…

He’s so touch-starved.

Mo Ran tries so, so hard to convince himself that this is okay. He tries so hard to convince himself that it’s fine, that he’s here now, but against his will, he starts crying harder anyways, because holy fuck does Chu Wanning clearly need this. For how long has he craved a simple fucking hug? Just for how long was he waiting for someone to hold him, to just let himself fall, to just be human for one single damned moment?

So, whatever. He doesn’t care. Chu Wanning can push him away if he does anything he doesn’t want, after all.

Mo Ran puts one of his hands into his hair and starts massaging his head.

The result is the quietest of sobs into his shoulder, barely audible with how much Chu Wanning is pressing his own face against it, but certainly audible to Mo Ran. He feels it, even. He shifts even closer to him after that, so Mo Ran starts stroking his other hand up and down his back, trying to soothe him in literally any way that isn’t him hitting his legs over and over and over again like he deserves it.

“It’s okay,” he says, pushing his nose into Chu Wanning’s hair. It smells a little of shampoo, still. His forehead against his chin feels sweaty, but hell, Mo Ran couldn’t care less. The cloth beneath his palm is also a little damp. He’ll help him shower later or whatever, he can suppress a boner if he truly wants to (okay, he couldn’t in that situation, he knows that damn well). “I’m here. You’re not alone, so just breathe.”

A quiet nod, and then Chu Wanning goes back to breathing. Every time he exhales, it’s interrupted by another one of those pitiful sobs, but Mo Ran never feels his shoulder getting wet.

Despite all this, he still isn’t crying.

“Just stay here until you need to, okay? If you want me to let go, just pat my back three times or something.”

Then, they just stay like this. Mo Ran has no idea how much time passes or whatever. He also just doesn’t care. All he cares about is that after a while, Chu Wanning’s breathing slows and goes quieter, and that his hands relax, and that he melts into the hug and ends up slumped against him.

Only when Mo Ran hears a quiet snore against his shoulder does he realize that Chu Wanning has fallen asleep on him like this. No wonder. He must be horribly exhausted. After all this, how could he not be? He can’t let him sleep for too long though because it’s already evening, and he knows that Chu Wanning doesn’t sleep well if he naps for too long, and that he would be cranky all evening and all of tomorrow about it, even if his body probably needs it. But before he gets another meltdown about this, it’s better if Mo Ran just wakes him up.

For a bit, though, he just lets himself enjoy this. He lets himself enjoy the fact that even if the man he loves doesn’t trust him quite enough to cry in front of him, he at least trusts him enough to fall asleep on him like it’s nothing, in his arms, his own arm dangling uselessly down at Mo Ran’s back. His fingertips graze against Mo Ran’s butt, actually, the smell of haitang enveloping him so strongly that he can’t smell anything else. He’s so normal about this.

Chu Wanning’s leg is still propped up on his, and Mo Ran gently rearranges it a tiny bit again, even if it’s only as an excuse to feel his naked skin again.

Whatever.

He can get his fill just this once, right?

He looks at the time – luckily he does own an alarm that isn’t his phone because he’s so bad at waking up that he doesn’t trust just one device – and it’s just some time past seven. That’s still alright.

After another fifteen minutes of him relishing in the comfortable weight on him, the quiet noises of a sleeping Chu Wanning, sometimes heavy breaths and sometimes snores and sometimes small, indistinguishable mumbling, he does decide that he should probably wake him up. They still need to cook the wonton and eat, and Mo Ran does still need to go shopping, just in case Chu Wanning can be alone. He’s probably going to be alright though, Mo Ran hopes, if he’s calmed down enough to fall asleep.

In any case, he could probably text the neighbour to go buy him some stuff if truly needed. She’d do that for him, and of course Mo Ran would invite her for food about it or something of the like.

“Hey, Wanning, wake up,” he mumbles, still into his hair, tapping his back a few times. Then, a little louder. “Wanning, you still need to eat.”

“…Hn?”

Ah, shit, he’s so cute. Mo Ran is so, so stupidly in love, and he really doesn’t know what to do about it at this point. How is he ever going to forget this ever again? How is he ever going to forget this damned hug?

The head on his shoulder moves, and very slowly, Chu Wanning resurfaces, so Mo Ran lets go of him, but makes sure to stroke his shirt down once.

“Ah-“

Suddenly, Chu Wanning startles awake. He retracts his leg from Mo Ran’s hastily, and almost falls off the bed about it. Mo Ran catches him by the shoulder and puts him back up, but Chu Wanning almost immediately slaps him away. He looks… horrified, somehow.

Mo Ran lets go of him.

“I…” Chu Wanning starts, but before he can go on, he clears his throat. “I… I’m sorry.”

Okay.

So that wasn’t at all what Mo Ran had expected. He guesses it makes sense, because of course Chu Wanning would apologize for causing any kind of inconvenience after how his father must have treated him, but… somehow, Mo Ran thought that it’d be obvious he doesn’t care. That, if it’s him, Chu Wanning would know that he doesn’t have to apologize.

“It’s okay,” Mo Ran says immediately, “please don’t apologize. I just thought I’d wake you up before it throws you off too much again… You were out cold for twenty minutes.”

“Like- like that?” he squeaks with a short look at Mo Ran. Part of Mo Ran wants to make a flirty and teasy remark about it, but even he knows that right now really isn’t the time for that. So he shuts up and just nods.

“Yeah. It’s okay, really! I don’t mind. Are you… okay now?”

It seems as if Chu Wanning is also just trying to get a grip on his own feelings right now. He still seems exhausted, and a bit paler than usual, but clearly the sleep must have helped a little. Mo Ran really isn’t surprised. After all that, anyone would be exhausted.

“…Yeah,” he says, “I’m… okay.”

“Okay, that’s good,” Mo Ran says, and he feels a weight dropping off his shoulder that he hadn’t even noticed was there before, being so fucking worried about him that now he’s fine, he himself feels all done for. “That’s great, actually.”

“…I’m sorry,” Chu Wanning repeats, “that you had to see that. I didn’t mean to… I got overwhelmed.”

“I know, and I mean it when I say there’s no need to apologize. Was… Did I do okay? Was there anything I did that made you worse or more uncomfortable or whatever? Because uhm, truth be told, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do.”

Once again, Chu Wanning looks down at the floor, as if scared to actually say it, but in the end, he does, after moments that feel so long to Mo Ran with how terrified he is that he might’ve genuinely upset him.

“No… it was okay. No one’s ever really…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, but Mo Ran can guess at this point. No one’s ever tried like that before, so probably anything would’ve done. Even if there was something he had done wrong, he likely wouldn’t even mind. Luckily by now, Mo Ran has stopped crying, so that’s great at least. He reaches for one of the tissues on the nightstand, and then the bottle of water, dipping some of it into the tissue, and handing it to Chu Wanning.

“Here, in case you want to clean your face a little, your eyes are…”

They’re really red. Chu Wanning takes it with a thankful little glance and does pat over his eyes a little. He didn’t cry, but it’s still apparent how close he must’ve been to that the entire time.

“Really. It’s okay. Please don’t worry about that. At any rate, I know you’re really stressed, so… why the hell would you make wonton today of all days?”

Chu Wanning moves away a little from Mo Ran, but Mo Ran just… he can’t let him go like this. He puts his hand to Chu Wanning’s back again. He’s touch-starved. Mo Ran sees that now. And he doesn’t mind being touched by Mo Ran, and he isn’t shoving him away in any way, which means that Mo Ran can give him this. If he can’t give him anything else, then he can give him at least this much. He can at least touch him when that’s clearly something he wants.

Again, Chu Wanning does let him. He just lets him, either too tired to be upset with himself for wanting it or whatever, or past that. Maybe he’s admitting to himself that this is something he needs.

He buries his own hand in his shorts, taking another breath. Just a deep one, not shaky anymore at all.

Mo Ran’s really got him to be okay again. That’s all he needs to know. He strokes his shoulder blade with his thumb a few times again.

“…Ye Wangxi said you’d probably appreciate it if I did something for you, and you’ve been cooking for me the entire time, so I thought… since it’s practically the end of the semester, and tomorrow I’ll need to use the time to correct the exams and everything, I thought I’d-“

For him.

Of course it was for him.

Mo Ran sighs, and smiles. Over the past few weeks, he’s given up hiding his lovesick little smile. If Chu Wanning guesses, then he guesses so rightfully, so really, what does it matter? Not a lot, not to Mo Ran, not anymore.

“And I bet she also said I’d appreciate it at any time, and that I wouldn’t mind if you didn’t, right?”

“Well… yeah, but you kept asking me about the wonton, so I figured since it’d already come up, I might as well…”

“Of course I wanted to eat them,” Mo Ran bites back the ‘again’, “but only if you actually felt up to making them, Wanning. You’re a little dummy sometimes, you know that?”

“Hey,” Chu Wanning scoffs.

“What? I’m right. Don’t overexert yourself for my sake. What were you thinking? Wanning, please. I mean- of course I appreciate it. I’ll appreciate anything you want to do for my sake, of course, but please not at the cost of your health. I just need you to be okay first and foremost, because I care about you. alright?”

He doesn’t dare to say he loves him, not when Chu Wanning isn’t well, but this much must be okay, right? He can at least say this much.

“…Still. I wanted to make them for you, but I was really exhausted from so many things, that when I dropped the wonton, I just…”

“I get it,” Mo Ran smiles and reaches for his hand. He’s held his hand before. He can just hold it again, and Chu Wanning can’t do anything about this, because he’s literally just depriving himself of this contact when Mo Ran is someone he clearly enjoys physical contact with.

…Right, Mo Ran’s brain is going to run far and wide with this information later down the lane.

“I mean, I’m not autistic, but you know, spilling coffee on a bad day and stuff. Been there, done that at least. No, but… I am grateful you made them, genuinely. I mean, the kitchen floor’s clean, I’ll cook them in a few minutes, they’ll still be fine to eat. I don’t want to throw them away, so if you don’t want them I’ll boil them in an extra pot for me-“

“It’s fine. I don’t care,” Chu Wanning says with a little glance down at their hands. He hasn’t yet grabbed it back, but, still looking at it, he slowly does. His fingers close around Mo Ran, a small shiver going through Mo Ran as he does.

Fuck.

They’re really holding hands, and this time, there’s not even really an excuse for it, either.

“Do you feel okay enough to eat a bit? You probably should, because that must’ve drained your body.”

“…Yeah,” Chu Wanning croaks out, his voice still weak, but he seems back a little more to his usual demeanor. That’s good. His face is flushed now, and Mo Ran has a big feeling it’s about them holding hands, which is absolutely adorable.

“Alright. You want to get changed or something first? Showering?”

“Too tired,” Chu Wanning makes with a little huff of breath. “I’ll just… a new t-shirt is enough, or whatever. Some- I’ll just put on some deodorant.”

He’s clearly still out of it.

“Got it! Any particular one you want me to get?”

He only just took his hand, but now he already has to let go of it. Mo Ran really regrets his entire life right now. Whatever, he has to take care of Chu Wanning right now, and that takes precedence.

“…Yours.”

“…What?”

“One of yours,” Chu Wanning repeats, his face so flaming red Mo Ran can only resist leaning in to kiss his cheeks and then his stupid fucking lips with so, so much constraint right now, “they’re wider, and- I can’t deal with anything touching my throat right now, but mine all do.”

Okay, so that makes sense, but Mo Ran still isn’t quite over the shock of being told that he wants one of his shirts.

“Okay, I’ll get you one,” he says, walking over to his wardrobe, and quickly going through it. He grabs the dark blue t-shirt with a small husky face on a chest pocket (he really likes dogs, alright? Also cats for that matter), since it’s a rather low V-cut.

He’s not going to imagine what that’s going to look like on Chu Wanning, and just how much of his collarbones he’ll probably be able to see. Oh shit, oh fuck, he touched his bare leg earlier.

That’s going to be the best wank of his life later.

He also walks into the bathroom to go grab Chu Wanning’s deodorant, placed on the small shelf above the sink but below the mirror; it’s one of those deodorants that don’t really smell of anything. That kind of just makes sense for Chu Wanning, Mo Ran can’t explain it either.

When he walks back into the room, Chu Wanning is drinking some of the water, and shoving a piece of chocolate from Mo Ran’s nightstand into his mouth, then also gulping it down with water.

“Hey, I’m literally about to make dinner, why are you eating chocolate?”

“I’m not a child,” Chu Wanning says, and reaches his hands out for the shirt and deodorant. Mo Ran hands it to him, but he also takes the chocolate from him, but he also doesn’t really know where else to put it because he usually eats chocolate in bed, so he puts it back to where it’s come from.

“Right, right, so, you go get changed, I’ll get the pot going?”

“…Yes. I’m hungry.”

“Figures,” Mo Ran laughs, and does hold out his hand once more. For a bit, it hovers in the air, but then he thinks that ah, whatever. It feels so tender between them right now, it feels like even kissing him wouldn’t be wrong. He only strokes a strand of slightly damp hair out of his face, though, putting it to behind his ear. It stays, and Mo Ran tries once again to give him the hugest smile. “I’m glad you’re better. I’ll go finish the wonton.”

“…I wanted to make them.”

Mo Ran retracts his hand, lets it drop back to his thighs, and barks out a short laugh.

“Eh, they’re best made together anyway, right? I already didn’t get to help you fold them, so I’ll at the very least get the rest ready. With sauce or with broth?”

“Sauce.”

“Got it,” Mo Ran answers, ready to finally cook the wonton Chu Wanning has made again, after fifteen long years, after fifteen damned long years of waiting for that very same taste. Honestly though, the taste doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that he’s going to eat them with Chu Wanning.

Chapter Text

Chu Wanning doesn’t know how to feel. From beginning to end, he has no idea how to feel about anything that has just happened.

He strokes the shirt down, looking at the small husky on its pocket. It’s a very low V-cut, so it doesn’t at all touch his throat, and it’s a very nice material, all stretchy and soft. That’s precisely why he asked Mo Ran to wear his shirt, but also…

He can’t lie. Part of him asked for it because Mo Ran’s entire presence is strangely comforting, and now knowing that he probably won’t ever hug him like this again, he had to just ask for his shirt, at the very least.

No matter how embarrassed he got, he wanted at least one more piece of him.

It’s just unfortunate the t-shirt has a husky on it, too.

With a sigh, he runs his hands over his face multiple times, and then through his hair.

Mo Ran hugged him. He held him in his arms until he fell asleep without even noticing. His hands were always on his back and in his hair, as if he wasn’t ever going to let go of him again. For a bit, Chu Wanning let himself believe. That’s over now, because he knows that’s not what this was, and that this is just Mo Ran being Mo Ran. He’s caring, he looks out for people, and Chu Wanning just so happens to fall under what ‘people’ as a word encompasses, but-

But.

How could he possibly think that’s all there is to it? When Mo Ran held him so gently, when he was so warm, when he was so comfortable and actually asked him what could maybe help? Hell, he took his hands, he hugged him, he made sure he’d have anything he needs, he wasn’t overly loud, he didn’t get annoyed with him at any point at all. All Mo Ran was, was gentle and kind.

Despite who Chu Wanning is as a person, harsh and cold and all the bad things that Mo Ran isn’t, and at the very least, Mo Ran likes him enough to not be mad at him for freaking out over something so, so stupid.

He dropped something, so what? What’s the big deal about it? It really and sincerely shouldn’t be, and yet, Chu Wanning felt like it was the literal end of the world.
He hates this. Chu Wanning hates every single aspect of meltdowns, and he still feels horribly tired and exhausted in its aftermath, yet…

Strangely enough, he doesn’t feel ashamed. Before, he always did. Always scared and ashamed after Huaizui would once more berate him about just how much is wrong with him, and how little he can actually achieve in life, if this keeps going on.

Mo Ran didn’t make him feel that way at all, just being nothing short of understanding, making sure Chu Wanning would be as comfortable as he possibly could be, and hell, he was. Falling asleep in Mo Ran’s arms, hell. At least that, he probably should apologize for again, just once more, whether Mo Ran wants to hear that or not. It’s embarrassing in the least, but so much more than that, honestly.

He loves Mo Ran.

So much.

Desperately, he clutches at the shirt’s collar, pulling it down a little further, looking down at the place where his heart should theoretically be. Just how has he gotten here? Just how far and how deep has he fallen for Mo Ran to land here, feeling like he’s never going to be the same ever again, like he’s going to die once he actually moves out and doesn’t see him every day?

What is he even going to do once Mo Ran leaves the university after graduating? Is he going to have to beg on his knees for Mo Ran to become a professor or whatever? God, no, he can’t lower himself to that extent. No way.

However, this is by far not the worst thing about this situation at all.

Oh, oh, it’s so not the worst thing about all of this, no.

Because the worst thing about Mo Ran having hugged him is undoubtedly the fact that in the ten minutes that Mo Ran has been in the kitchen boiling the wonton that Chu Wanning nearly fucked up, he’s gotten horny about it.

Everything about this is so uncomfortable. Of course, being… sexually aroused by Mo Ran is nothing new to him, not anymore, not after so much time of living with him. He’s still plagued by dreams about such things pretty regularly, even though they’re weird, to say the least.

For a reason unknown to Chu Wanning, he seems to be very sexually attracted to historical settings, and also to Mo Ran being mean to him. Alright. Chu Wanning would rather die than ever admit his fantasies to anyone, because he’s probably some kind of awful sexual deviant for this, and even if he was to get together with Mo Ran – which obviously won’t happen for so many reason – he’d probably still seem like some kind of freak to him. If Mo Ran was to learn about the things he dreams about, then…
He’d rather not imagine.

So, yeah, Chu Wanning is horny as he sits in Mo Ran’s bed, wearing his t-shirt, having been hugged by him, and he really doesn’t know what to do about it. There’s no way he’ll act on it. Chu Wanning is above that. He has masturbated three times in his life (once with a pillow, twice by awkwardly rubbing his palm against his crotch), and he’s not planning to add onto that. If he does that, it’ll probably just fuel those fantasies anyways, and it’ll be this weird phenomenon of spiraling into something out of control just because you indulged a single time.

Hell, what if he ever tried seducing Mo Ran if it came down to it, if nothing else is enough anymore?

That’s the other thing that’s even more out of question than touching himself, because the other possibility here is to have Mo Ran fuck him until he loses it for good and gets satisfied once, but he’s not going to do that for even more obvious reasons, first and foremost that Mo Ran doesn’t want to do such a thing with him.

It’s just so hard.

He’s sure that a person younger than him would make an awful joke about the word ‘hard’.

Hell, he needs to get a grip, and he needs to get a grip soon. It’s hard to even just keep his breathing under control, since it’s going weirdly fast. His underwear feels damp again, and he can’t reasonably go and grab a panty liner and head to the bathroom, because he can already hear Mo Ran take out some bowls, meaning the wonton must be ready. What would he say as an explanation?

‘Oh, sorry, you hugging me during my meltdown made me wet. Yes, it made me wet in the exact place you’re thinking of. I’m a sexual deviant and I’m your professor and I’m highly attracted to you. Please don’t hate me because oh, also, I’ve fallen in love with you despite being twelve years older than you.’

Yeah.

Certainly not.

With a huff of breath, Chu Wanning hogs Mo Ran’s blanket and puts it over himself, because he needs some kind of comfort not just for how tired he is from the meltdown, but also for his own stupid feelings that for once having nothing to do with being autistic.

“Wanning, you want the sauce in an extra bowl? It isn’t spicy.”

“…Yeah,” he says, still unable to make his voice sound right, somehow. He feels disarmed, and even though he usually tries his best to mask in some way to literally just be able to survive in the world, right now, he can’t.

He can’t even control the twitching of his foot against the bedframe, not even when Mo Ran comes into the room with a big and a small bowl.

“I still gotta get mine,” he says. “You wanna eat on the bed?”

“…I don’t have to.”

“Nah, it’s fine, I’ll just grab some wipes to put onto the blanket in case you spill anything, but I don’t mind. I eat in my bed all the time.”

Usually, Chu Wanning would argue that nonsense, they’re not going to soil Mo Ran’s bedsheets (his thoughts take him somewhere completely else about this), they’ll eat in the kitchen like civilized people, but…

He sincerely doesn’t have the energy, so it’s whatever. Fine. Let Mo Ran bring some wipes or whatever.

“Be right back,” Mo Ran smiles, and disappears right back out of the door after handing Chu Wanning the big bowl, putting the sauce onto the crammed nightstand.

They smell good, and so does the sauce. For a moment, he just bathes in smell of dumpling wrappers and ginger and soy sauce and fried meat. He’s done his best not to cry the entire time, but it’s this smell that nearly makes it happen.

Gulping once, he successfully suppresses the tears. He can’t lie; a big part of this meltdown was just him constantly remembering how him and that boy made wonton together. How he should be making them with him right now, yet he had the audacity to leave him and then also had the audacity to go ahead and make them for his crush.

His crush, at thirty-three years old. Chu Wanning really is embarrassed for himself.

“Alright, I just got a towel, we’re out of wipes. Putting them on my shopping list for later, if you’re okay enough for me to leave. We’ve got basically nothing for breakfast, and I feel like making pancakes tomorrow or something, so.”

“…A towel is fine,” Chu Wanning says, raising his bowl when Mo Ran goes to spread the towel over his legs. It’s one of the kitchen towels Mo Ran said his adoptive mother got him for moving out. It’s white and has a bunch of ducks on it.

Truth be told, Chu Wanning might just prefer soiling Mo Ran’s bedsheets than soiling these poor ducks.

Whatever. He’s hungry.

He grabs the chopsticks while Mo Ran sits down next to him all naturally, his thighs touching Chu Wanning’s through the blanket, their shoulders touching, too.

Already over the past few weeks, it very much felt like the two of them were getting closer and closer, somehow, but this is different. Mo Ran does this without any kind of thought, apparently, just all naturally.

Truth be told, Chu Wanning enjoys this. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t mind Mo Ran specifically touching him when he gets so annoyed and uncomfortable with most other people around. No, he really just likes this a lot.

On the bad side of things, this really just doesn’t make his current condition any better, though. Mo Ran touching him is pretty much the worst thing he could be experiencing right now, given how chronically horny he feels.

“…Are you okay? You’re a little red. You’re not running a fever now, right?”

“No,” Chu Wanning answers, but can’t stop Mo Ran from touching his forehead anyways. His hand is so stupidly big. Chu Wanning low-key wants it around his throat-

Alright, no.

Absolutely not.

He’s actually deranged. He’s actually so not okay about any of this happening right now, especially the things inside of his own brain. An hour and a half ago, he was horribly sad about just whom he had first made these wonton for. An hour ago, he was mid-meltdown in front of who might just be the fucking love of his life. Half an hour ago, he was asleep in his arms.

And now, Chu Wanning is unbearably horny for him, to the point that he wished Mo Ran was gagging him, and he swears he hadn’t ever considered that to be anything but a very dangerous, murderous thing, and now he thinks it’s sexy.

Good lord.

Luckily, Mo Ran lets go of his forehead, but it literally leaves Chu Wanning having to keep himself from literally trembling about it. He shifts slightly and oh – he’s very much wet. He’s wet and he hates it.

“Alright, you’re not warm. That’s okay then. So, let’s dig in?”

Chu Wanning tries very hard to convince his delusional self that Mo Ran means ‘digging into the wonton’, not ‘digging into his vagina’, because said delusional self is quaking at the thought.

Mentally, he slaps himself harder than he would slap even Huaizui if he had the guts to do such a thing.

Which would be quite hard.

Hard like-

No.

This time, he actually just slaps his own cheeks once. Mo Ran blinks at him.

“Uh… you okay?”

“Hm.”

“…Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m quite alright now, I just wanted to get feelings in my cheeks back. That happens… during meltdowns.”

“Ah, I see!”

Somehow, Chu Wanning knows that Mo Ran isn’t believing his lie, but he probably wouldn’t believe himself either, so he gets it.

“Let’s eat,” he says and takes a first wonton, dipping it into the sauce Mo Ran made, and starting to eat it. That does melt away some of his horniness at least. They do still taste like back then, he thinks. He’s gotten better at folding them, but taste-wise, they’re the same. He has memorized the recipe by now, and he did sometimes make them with spicy chili sauce too. Not for himself – even though he tries every time and realizes that your spice tolerance actually doesn’t go up unless you train it.

“Do we have chili?” he asks, and realizes it’s a stupid question because he lives in one flat with Mo Ran, who stares at him again, letting the wonton sink that he still hasn’t bitten into.

“Huh? I specifically didn’t add any to the sauce because I know you-“

“I want a bit. Just a little bit, I should get used to spice. Some of the kids really love chili, so I do make the sauce for them, but…”

“Ah, you want to be able to eat with them? Are you sure you want to try this out after a literal meltdown?”

“It barely matters,” Chu Wanning says with a shrug, and realizes that if he’s lucky, the chili might distract him from the horniness.

“Well, if you insist. I’ll get you some and mix it in. Give me a second.”

Mo Ran darts into the kitchen and is back in no time, carrying some chili oil on him. Chu Wanning has always been mildly terrified of chili oil, but it’s probably better than flakes, because you can dilute it. Mo Ran gives him a single drop.

“Stir it. That… is probably enough for now. I can give you a second drop once you’ve tried.”

Mildly scared but also wanting to drown the ever-nagging physical sensation of his genitals trying to make clear to him that he wants Mo Ran to spice him up in other ways, Chu Wanning dips another wonton in it, and puts it into his mouth.

For a while, he doesn’t notice anything at all, and then, it is spicy. Not a lot, not really, but noticeably so. Enough so that he’ll have to have some water every now and then, probably, but… this is edible.

“And?”

“It’s fine,” Chu Wanning says, and it only becomes a little much on the second bite, but when he drinks some water to flush it down, it’s fine again. It’ll probably repeat like this. Either way, he can do this. He knows it’s a tolerance you have to build up, and… maybe he could impress Mo Ran a little.

That’s ridiculous too, actually, because he should be able to impress Mo Ran with the fact he’s his literal professor, and it should impress himself enough to stop being in love with his student.

Especially after today, though… that’s not going to happen. He’s not going to fall out of love with him. He knows as much.

“That’s great,” Mo Ran says, once more having sat down close enough for them to be touching, his body all warm and big and comforting next to Chu Wanning. “You wouldn’t survive the spice I usually eat them with. Well, anyway, here I go.”

Mo Ran leads his own wonton to his mouth with the help of his chopsticks, and bites down into it. Chu Wanning watches closely. Maybe a bit too closely; he watches the way Mo Ran’s lips close around it, and a tingle shoots down his spine at seeing his tongue dart out just once, because really, Chu Wanning isn’t as innocent as he’d like to be. He very much knows what people do in bed – he’s a professor. He hears students talking all the time. He may not have had the best sexual education, but he’s heard enough talk.

If his ears grow red, he can attribute it to the chili.

“Ah,” Mo Ran makes after chewing for a while, “they’re… really good.”

His eyes seem a little watery; the wonton are quite hot, so it makes sense.

“Those might be the best wonton I’ve ever had.”

Now that takes Chu Wanning aback, because he’s not deserving of such high praise when his contenders are Wang Chuqing, and also Mo Ran himself. As in – Mo Ran is just straight up lying.

“Nonsense,” he says, “no need to lie just because I wasn’t feeling well.”

“No, no, I’m not lying!” Mo Ran says, although he does so through a mouth full of wonton, stuffing another into his mouth. It sounds disgusting, but somehow, he finds it almost endearing, even. “I mean it!” he adds, still chewing, “they’re the best, Wanning, really! They’re good. They’re really good, okay? Nothing comes close.”

“Stop talking with your mouth full,” Chu Wanning ends up saying because he’s much better at scolding people than accepting praise from them, “and eat slowly, they’re not going to run away.”

If Mo Ran keeps insisting, then Chu Wanning might end up believing him accidentally, so it’s probably better to shut this down by looking like he might accept it, even if he really doesn’t. But Mo Ran does seem appeased by the answer, smiling, and continuing to eat a little more slowly now, properly savouring them.

“I really do mean it,” he says, clearly not appeased after all, “they’re really good. They taste like home.”

…He needs to stop speaking because Chu Wanning doesn’t want to believe him before he starts feeling all high and mighty about it. He knows himself. He knows he can get too prideful about such things, and it doesn’t end well for him.

“Hm. Just eat and keep quiet,” he says in a last, desperate attempt to make Mo Ran shut the hell up, because god, he can’t take it.

He does keep eating himself, but sadly he also finds himself obsessively watching Mo Ran, whether he wants to do that or not.

Mo Ran has no business looking so good. He really doesn’t. His lips have no issue looking so…

Chu Wanning wants to kiss him so bad, or be kissed by him. Really, it wouldn’t matter, as long as he loses his first kiss to Mo Ran. The temptation to literally just lean in and kiss him right now is immense, because it wouldn’t take much. They’re sitting so close that he can hear Mo Ran chewing, even though he’s clearly trying to keep it down (Chu Wanning has scolded him for chewing very loudly at the dinner table multiple times by now), so he could just lean over and plant his lips on Mo Ran’s. Sure, he doesn’t really know how kissing works practically, but he knows in theory, and that would have to be enough.

Mo Ran would hate him afterwards though, and Chu Wanning doesn’t think kissing him would be worth it. He probably sees him as some weird older brother figure at best. An incompetent older brother, whose only redeeming quality is being able to make semi-decent wonton.

Apart from his lips though, there’s his tongue. Chu Wanning had no idea he could be sexually attracted to someone’s tongue, but apparently, he’s very much capable of such a depraved thing. He doesn’t feel great about it.

He knows people kiss with tongue, and he just wonders… what that feels like? He can’t really imagine it being nice, but at the same time, the thought of it makes hot shivers run down his spine and then right down to his crotch, and he really wished he wasn’t the epitome of ‘sexually aroused’ while trying to have dinner after a meltdown.

Just… the way his tongue darts out sometimes, Chu Wanning also just… he knows people don’t just do mouth-kissing with their tongues. He knows they also go there to other places, because he might be a virgin and technically innocent, but also he’s been a professor for years. He’s heard the students talking; he’s heard them talking when he was a student himself, too, he knows where people go with their tongues sometimes.

And surely that might feel actually good?

Gods, no, he shouldn’t be thinking about such a thing at all. There’s no way such a thing would ever happen to him anyways, and neither will Chu Wanning ever be the one to do that. He’s long come to terms with it, but when he sees Mo Ran chew on his wonton, his tongue darting out every now and then…

How could he not?

Mentally, he thanks his chopsticks for being sturdy enough to not break like they might in a cartoon, given how much he’s pressing them together right now.
For the rest of their dinner, Chu Wanning both suffers and also just feels… good. Despite the stupid horniness, he also very much just feels at home. Mo Ran is right. They do taste like home if he eats them together with Mo Ran.

Despite who he had eaten them with for the first time.

“Alright,” Mo Ran says once his bowl is empty, putting down his chopsticks, “these were really great, but Wanning, you made way too many. I’ll put them in the fridge, and then we can have them tomorrow night, with broth instead?”

“Hm,” Chu Wanning hums in agreement, because that’s a good idea, putting his last wonton into his mouth, too. Once he’d told Mo Ran to slow down, he did, and ate only a tiny bit faster than Chu Wanning himself.

“By the way, Wanning, I just wanted to say once more that like… I really don’t mind, okay? Just… in general. I don’t want you to feel ashamed or whatever, I just… wanted to make sure you know that. I don’t know. This is probably weird to say, I guess. I was really scared of doing anything wrong, so I’m just glad to see you back to being okay-ish again.”
Chu Wanning scowls at him, but in reality, he’s quite touched by Mo Ran’s words. Huiazui would have never said such things to him, while Mo Ran chooses to go over this multiple times; of course it must also be his own anxiety, but he still… he cares. He’s anxious because he cares about him.

His traitorous heart melts at that thought, and so, he feels his scowl easing into what’s probably something akin to a smile.

“Don’t worry, Mo Ran. It’s alright. I… appreciate it, really. I haven’t… I haven’t had a meltdown in front of someone else for a very long time, and… you did fine. Don’t worry about it so much. I…”

His voice gets all caught up in his throat, but he wants to reassure Mo Ran because he deserves to be reassured. If Mo Ran reassures Chu Wanning, then that’s the least he can do in return.

“I felt safe. I felt safe with you, so you can shut it now, okay?”

That beaming fucking smile on Mo Ran’s face makes this very much worth it. He bumps his shoulder into Chu Wanning again, and then puts his arm around him, as if suddenly having realized that Chu Wanning doesn’t actually mind being touched that much, not if it’s Mo Ran.

His hand swipes down his arm several times, and Chu Wanning’s mind…

Oh, oh, it goes places.

He can feel his fingers splaying out against his shoulder, and he wonders what it’d feel like if they slipped into him, if they spread him like this down there, what would happen if he then leaned in and-

Chu Wanning splutters and ducks away from Mo Ran’s touch, coughing on the last bite of wonton.

“Hey, you okay? Wanning, wait, wait, I’ve got water, was it too spicy after all?”

“No,” he croaks out, “just choked.”

He takes the water from Mo Ran and takes a few heavy gulps, then hands Mo Ran the bowl once he reaches for it, putting it into his own.

“Alright. Can I quickly go wash up?”

“I’ll help.”

“No need.”

“No, I’ll help.”

Usually, he wouldn’t be too keen on doing the dishes, but he very desperately needs a distraction, and drying dishes is about the unsexist thing anyone could possibly be doing, so that’ll hopefully do it. Yet, when he stands up to go help, he’s faced with the reality of just how uncomfortable his underwear feels. Oh, whatever. He’ll go take care of these stupid dishes with Mo Ran and then-

…What if he then took care of himself?

Really though – will it really get worse if he does that?

His heart (and also his pussy, but he’d really rather not even think such a word) stutter at the thought of that. It’s been so long, he’s only done it a few times, and frankly, Chu Wanning barely even knows how. The first time, it was because he woke up already grinding his hips into a pillow; the second and third time, he did put his hands there, but only above his underwear, and luckily that did the job. It felt very uncomfortable, but he does also remember it feeling good. He did feel too guilty to ever do it again though, at the time, because he very much grew up super religious. Things such as masturbation were never really an option, and after that, once his hormones got ahold of themselves again, he stopped caring, but now…

His attraction to Mo Ran can’t get any worse than this, not even if he really ends up touching himself about it. And right now, why the hell would he try to sit this out?

He’s an adult. He’s turning thirty-three literally like three days after moving out. He can touch himself.

The thought feels absolutely and utterly groundbreaking to him right now. Yes, he can touch himself, and he’s going to be doing that once he’s in bed or whatever.
As Mo Ran hands him the first bowl, Chu Wanning mechanically dries it and puts it away. He remembers that humping against a pillow was quite nice, and maybe, instead of his hands that’d do the job, but also…

He’s an adult.

He can just use his hands. That’s a thing he can do, and he could even use the world wide web to find out how to do that, because he’s an adult with internet access who can masturbate.

Swallowing around that thought, Chu Wanning takes the next bowl.

“Wanning, are you okay enough for me to go shopping really quick in a few minutes? We could like, watch an episode of anime after, unless you want to go to sleep? I’ll be back fast, just some stuff for breakfast, really.”

He barely hears Mo Ran over the thought of how he’s going to have the fourth orgasm of his life at one point tonight, but still has the mind to agree to both things. He can be alone after meltdowns. He’s used to that already. He also doesn’t mind watching anime with Mo Ran, but-

“Alright! That works for me, then. I’ll probably just make some porridge tomorrow morning or something, since we both have class that we’ve got to be at in the morning, so…”

“That’s fine.”

“Okay! Alright, that’s the pot, that’s it.”

“Hmn.”

Chu Wanning puts the pot away too. Mo Ran will go shopping.

That’s going to be the perfect time window for his endeavors. He literally won’t get a better opportunity than that, so he should go for it. He can do it.

He can get off if he wants to, goddamnit.

“You can just wait for me in my bed or something, since your room’s pretty untidy, and I can imagine you might not want to go there now because…”

Oh.

The pot clatters as Chu Wanning loses grip on it.

He knows exactly what Mo Ran is saying – that he would probably rather spend some time in a tidy room before he gets overstimulated by his own mess again, because Mo Ran seems to know him quite well in that respect – but only one thing really matters to him right now.

Mo Ran just gave him an excuse to sit in his bed, which means he gave him an excuse to get off in his bed.

No.

No, okay, that goes too far, that definitely goes too far, but also Chu Wanning has been horny basically ever since he woke up in Mo Ran’s arms, and it’s been so long, and he’s thinking all ways right now, but not rational ones.

“…Sure,” he says, hating the way his tongue is faster than his brain, feeling the way he starts to pulse at the thought of doing something like that in Mo Ran’s room while he’s gone. He isn’t sure whether that’ll smell or whatever, but he’d probably be really fast anyway, with how pent up he is, so any kind of clean-up could still be done afterwards.
“Alright! Then you just go, and I’ll go get ready to go shopping! I’ll be like, I don’t know, twenty or something. I’m gonna take my phone, so if anything’s wrong, you’ve just got to call, alright?”

Whatever, whatever, whatever. Chu Wanning nods along without really listening because at this point, he can feel his own heartbeat in his pants, which he wasn’t sure was humanly possible. He can also feel it in his throat and the rest of his body, to be exact. It makes him feel all shaky, makes his breath go harder again when that had just gotten a little better, and he so very desperately just needs to get to this.

Twenty minutes are probably enough. If not, he’ll excuse himself into the shower or whatever.

He’ll hear Mo Ran coming back; the door is quite loud and stuff, he can’t really miss it, and he can just keep on his pants and all, reach into them and…

He’s actually about to do this.

As if on autopilot, his legs carry him back towards Mo Ran’s bed, where he sits down in the same spot as before, while Mo Ran grabs his shoes and keys, telling him once again that he’ll be back soon, that if he starts feeling worse again, he can just call him.

What Mo Ran doesn’t know is that Chu Wanning is about to feel greater than he’s ever felt, actually.

Well, maybe not. He has no clue what he even likes, because back then, when he had only recently gone on HRT, he’d been so sensitive anything could’ve made him come. That’s most likely not the case anymore, so he’ll have to figure something out, but at the same time, he’s horribly horny.

“Where’s Plum?” he asks, suddenly remembering her existence, because if there’s one thing he doesn’t want to do, it’s masturbating in the direct vicinity of his cat.

“Probably in your room, wait, I’ll check,” Mo Ran says, just having finished tying up his shoe and heading for Chu Wanning’s room. He returns after a little while. “Asleep in your unmade bed. Why do you not make it?”

“What’s the point of that if I sleep in it again anyways?”

His poor student doesn’t know that they’re having the most human conversation ever right now while Chu Wanning has decided to have an orgasm thinking about him. The fact it feels so forbidden, the fact that Mo Ran is his goddamn student, all these factors that should usually keep him from making such a bad decision, they all turn him on even more.

He must really be depraved. He must actually be an awful person, but right now, his thoughts feel cloudy, unable to grasp a single thought that isn’t related to the ever-growing urge to make himself come.

“…Valid point, but you should try anyway. Well, I’ll go then, then we can watch some anime until you feel good enough to sleep?”

“Sounds… good,” Chu Wanning says, just praying for Mo Ran to fucking leave at this point, because if there’s one thing he can’t do, it’s very obviously making his student have sex with him. So, he needs that student to leave, so he can have sex with himself or whatever.

Then, finally, Mo Ran leaves. He says goodbye to him and Plum, and then he sets out.

The door clicks shut behind him.

Chu Wanning exhales.

The coast is clear.

(Internally, he does also very much wonder what the fuck is wrong with him, why he would do such a thing, why he would ever even consider getting off in his student’s bed while thinking about that student, why the hell he would ever try to think that’s okay, but externally, all he knows is his sticky underwear and the shakiness in his limbs, coming from excitement at doing such an arguably very messed up thing.)

For a few seconds, he just sits there and wonders whether he should actually do this, but reconsidering his decision now isn’t going to help his state in any way, and he isn’t going to move to his own bed, and the longer he waits, the worse this situation could possibly get; he has to be as fast as somewhat possible. And he will be, considering just how badly he needs this.

Chu Wanning grabs some of the blanket that he was previously wrapped up in, and gets it back around his body, sinking down against the edge of the headboard, his legs awkwardly dangling off the bed. The pillow beneath his back is soft, and he lets himself relax against it a little.

The blanket smells of Mo Ran. The t-shirt he’s wearing smells of him, too. Everything just…

Okay. He can do this. In fact, he can probably just lie down, even, and then make sure to get everything back into its original shape once he’s done, air the room out, and no one will know what he’s done.

Chu Wanning sincerely cannot believe he’s going to do this, but he’s horribly pent up at this point, and he’d be stupid if he still refused to do this.

Trembling a bit still, he does lie down properly, taking the blanket with him and wrapping it around himself again. That way, he doesn’t have to watch himself do this, either, which is a very positive thing indeed, because he would rather not, actually.

Alright. He has to start, he doesn’t have much time, it’s just… he doesn’t really know what to do, and he left his phone in the kitchen, so he can’t google, and if he gets out of the bed, he probably…

It’s fine.

Chu Wanning can make himself come, he’s sure.

So, with the most unpracticed hands known to man because he’s barely ever done this, he lets his hand glide down to his thigh at least.

Hell. Even just touching his thigh right now feels good, so he starts kneading that, slowly, letting out a small gasp and then immediately biting his lip to shut himself up. The neighbours still exist-

No.

No, they don’t, actually, because earlier when he came home, they were leaving with suitcases, and told him to accept any parcels and letters for them if possible, and tell Mo Ran to do the same once he’s moved out, since he explained that to them.

Regardless, though, Chu Wanning doesn’t dare make a single sound as he opens the button of his pants.

Mo Ran will be back soon enough.

He so genuinely has to stop stalling.

The zipper follows, and he reaches into his pants, but just rests his hand on top of his hip for now, fingers on his lower stomach, trying to work up the last bit of courage he still needs.

He can do this.

He can absolutely and very much do this.

A deep breath in, then he exhales, and lets his hand close in, still on his underwear, not entirely sure he can do this naked yet. Honestly, this will probably do it, though.

He does know some stuff about his anatomy at least, because HRT changes some things and he had to be prepared, so that knowledge will have to do. He’s not putting anything in, because he’s never done that, and he’s really not sure he could do something like that. Not by himself, anyways.

So, his hand instead wanders closer and closer, and then brushes over the outer edges, and it feels-

Chu Wanning bites his lip hard enough that it draws blood. What the fuck? He hasn’t even touched anywhere near the middle, and it already feels like this?

Involuntarily, he starts stroking up and down, just the sides, tingles shooting up and down his spine, his hips jerking up a few times in quick succession before he gets ahold of himself, because surely he can’t be so affected he’s moving in such mortifying ways?

But it just feels so good. Why the fuck does it feel so good?

With every time he strokes up and down with just his middle and index finger, he exhales another puff of hot air, absentmindedly grasping at Mo Ran’s t-shirt to bring it up to his nose.

It smells like him. So does the blanket.

He can’t believe he’s actually getting off to the smell of Mo Ran.

Against his will, he starts getting faster and faster, his motions rocky and uncertain in what they are, and then he brushes over the bump that he can very much feel, then down, feeling the ridiculously wet patch on his underwear. It’s slick, and when his fingers twitch in surprise at it, they spread it upwards, over the bump, and Chu Wanning swears he sees stars.

He squeezes his eyes shut as hot embarrassment washes over him, tinting his cheeks red with something that isn’t the arousal for now, because this is good.

This feels so good, and he has been putting this off for so many years?

Just how much has he missed out on?

Determined despite the mortification he’s feeling right now, he goes back down, gathering up some more of the slickness, and running it back up.

This time, when his mouth falls open around a gasped little ‘oh’, he lets it.

Whatever.

No one is here. No one can hear him.

“Fuck,” he curses, just once, his hips snapping up again too; he repeats that motion, just up and down, although he can’t really get a grip on anything with how wet even his stupid underwear is. The temptation to take it off is there, but first of all, this is Mo Ran’s bed, and also, he…

The thought of touching his own naked self is weird. He could, but…

This will do.

Every time he touches that one place, it just feels so good he thinks he could die, like his entire life is going to flash before his eyes, something deep inside of him finally giving in.
When he next breathes in, he does so with his nose buried in Mo Ran’s t-shirt, holding onto it. His eyelashes flutter and he feels like a pervert, but maybe being a pervert is just fine if being one feels this fucking good.

His legs start shaking, suddenly, and he doesn’t know at all how to stop it, only that he needs to get over this weird fucking thing inside of him right now, something that feels like a wall he’s climbing or something, dimly remembering that it did feel similar to that when he did this all these years ago. It feels like he needs a push or something, just something to take him over the edge.

So, Chu Wanning speeds up.

“Ah-“

Instantly, he lets go off the t-shirt, instead slapping his hand over his mouth, but even that doesn’t help get rid of the sounds he’s making. His moans get louder and louder, and when he starts rubbing circles at one point, just to try it out, they get loud enough to be audible through his fingers.

Whatever.

He puts his hands back to the t-shirt, because no one is here, so really, who cares? Not him.

“Fuck, ah…!”

The bed is shaking alongside him, small cracking noises being heard from the wood every now and again, outside proof of just how much he’s moving when the circular motion gets almost too much.

His eyes feel a little wet, too; he’s not quite crying, but his sight is blurry when he looks at the ceiling for a second, then closes them back up again. He doesn’t want to see anything right now, not when he could be imagining-

And then there’s the image of Mo Ran in his mind, leaning over him, having a finger buried inside of him, reaching past the legs of his boxershorts and into him, with his mouth in between his legs, doing the motion he’s doing with his fingers right now, lapping up all the wetness he finds there; his purple-tinted eyes looking up at Chu Wanning through his eyelashes. He imagines Mo Ran letting go of him and crawling above him and opening his own pants and-

Chu Wanning obviously hasn’t seen him naked, and he’s sure the image he has in his mind isn’t right at all right now, that he couldn’t ever imagine him correctly, not beautiful enough, but the thought of him above him all sweaty, kissing his cheeks and ears, giving small sounds back and forth, it’s enough to break Chu Wanning.

Sadly, it’s not enough to make him come.

It’s pretty damn close, yeah, but no.

The thing it does first and foremost is break him enough to say Mo Ran’s name out loud, moan it, his lips clinging onto it like he was really here, just a small little “Mo Ran” whined into the slightly stuffy air of Mo Ran’s room; into the t-shirt and his blanket, and Chu Wanning holds onto it. He holds on to his imaginations of Mo Ran starting to fuck him like he means it.

Blood is roaring in his ears when he speeds up again, that single pronunciation of his name really having gotten him to a point of no return.

Gritting his teeth once, Chu Wanning decides to throw shame out of the window completely, because really – no one is here.

He’s free to do and say whatever he wants.

His index finger is still working circles into himself, jerky and with a little bit of a weird rhythm to it, but he doesn’t care much. When he moans again, he does so without restraint, knowing it’s louder this time.

“Mo Ran,” he says, his other hand letting go of the blanket and t-shirt to instead claw into the bedsheets below, “Mo Ran-“

He’s so close. He’s so close, and once more, Mo Ran’s name breaks from his lips, even louder than before, so much more desperate and full of need, the pitch of his voice climbing until the last syllable of his name is almost a scream.

He’s close. No, not even that – Chu Wanning is going to come. He’s sure.

Another circle motion, harder this time, as he feels himself twitch against his finger, so close, so close, so close-

Right when he’s about to come, the door flies open so hard and fast it hits the wall with a loud, uncomfortable sound.

And then, Chu Wanning is faced with the realization that maybe he wasn’t as alone as he had thought.

Whatever orgasm he thought was approaching dies down as soon as he throws his head back and opens his eyes to see Mo Ran standing in the door, holding his keys and the shopping bag, staring down at his professor, masturbating in his bed and shouting his name as he was about to come.

Well.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Mo Ran had forgotten his wallet. He had just wanted to go back and retrieve it, that was all he’d wanted to do. Sure, he had his phone on him like he’d promised Chu Wanning, in case something happened, which he would’ve been able to pay with if not for the fact his phone is at ten percent, which would be the amount needed to call Chu Wanning, so he’d rather not use it. Since he’d only been gone for a few minutes, he figured he might as well just return, grab his actual bank card, and also take the power bank he owns to slip it into his shopping bag together with his phone so that it would hold out a little longer if Chu Wanning got worse again.

Really.

That’s all he’d wanted to do.

But upon entering, he heard…

Things.

Yeah, things, that’s one way to describe it, really.

He’d turned the key as slowly and quietly as he possibly could have, just in case Chu Wanning was sleeping or something. It’s late enough now so that it wouldn’t disturb his usual routine too much, Mo Ran figured, so he tried his best to keep quiet.

That’s why he also approached his room as quietly as humanly possible for the first few steps, which was when he heard the first moan.

At first, Mo Ran had genuinely thought it would be a moan of pain, that the meltdown had given Chu Wanning a headache or something and he’d just been too proud to admit it. But then he heard that hissed out little ‘fuck’, and the creaking of his own bed, and Mo Ran fucking knew.

Whatever fucking way he managed, he did get to his room and open the door just a little without Chu Wanning noticing, clearly way too caught up in the way he was getting off, and literally everything inside of Mo Ran started to fall apart because hello, hello, that was his professor masturbating in his bed, with his t-shirt one.

And he was able to fucking see it through the door, too; the way Chu Wanning was grasping at the blanket and the shirt, as if trying to smell him on it, he could see the way he was writing below the blanket that was rustling with his motions, hips thrusting into his hand, mouth gaping open and eyebrows scrunched up in pleasure.

And then, he’d said Mo Ran’s name.

The first time, he thought it’d been a genuine mistake, that he’d misheard, that Chu Wanning’s moan just sounded eerily close to his name, that it must be the blood rushing first to his head, making him hear next to nothing, and then rushing straight back down to his dick and making it the hardest it’s possibly ever been.

Because what the fuck, this was his crush literally jerking off in front of him, how was Mo Ran supposed to not pop a boner?

The second time he heard his own name though, his doubts became less, and then much less again once he kept repeating it, once his name started climbing in desperation and volume and pitch, all of those at once.

Then, Mo Ran realized Chu Wanning was going to come right here and now, and he was here to witness it, and then his dick made him act before he could think about it.
So, when Mo Ran throws open the door, he genuinely isn’t thinking, which reflects in the way it bangs against the wall loudly, and also in the way that he just interrupted Chu Wanning’s orgasm, visible on his face as mortification washes over it at the same time as his whole face distorts in a way that signifies to Mo Ran that he’s just been very, very cruelly edged.

For a while, the two just stare at each other.

A few drops of blood make it into Mo Ran’s face after all, starting to turn the cogs a little bit, just a tiny bit, just enough for him to actually feel the weight of the situation, to understand it.

Chu Wanning is lying in his bed, with his t-shirt, moaning his name.

He was about to come thinking about him, inhaling his scent off his t-shirt, rubbing away at himself or whatever the fuck he was doing below that blanket, proper and pristine Chu Wanning who’s admitted he’s a virgin, that he’s never had a partner, Chu Wanning, who Mo Ran knows has never been loved the way he deserves.

Chu Wanning.

In his bed and t-shirt, almost coming with his name clinging to his lips in a tone of voice that had Mo Ran almost believing he was actually fucking him.

Fuck.

Holy shit.

Apart from some more blood shooting into his brain and allowing him to think, tears also make their way up; to his eyes, not his brain, of course. He’s felt very close to tears the entire time, ever since he cried anyways, earlier. But right now, with this?

Mo Ran blinks once to make sure those teras don’t start falling again when he feels like he’s just been slapped in the face with a brick, then pummeled in the gut with brass knuckles, and then kicked in the balls with a high-heel as sharp as a knife. Except like, in the most positive way possible.

Chu Wanning wants him to fuck him. And that’s not even where it stops, no, because hell. Mo Ran is stupid, or at least that’s what people always tell him. Sure, some disagree, like Xue Zhengyong and Madam Wang and Chu Wanning and Ye Wangxi. But he’s been called stupid and dumb and idiotic so many times in his lives that he started believing it to be true – but right now, he knows that no matter how stupid he is, there’s no way he’s misinterpreting this.

Because there’s not a single way Chu Wanning would be getting off to the thought of someone if he wasn’t in love with them, because that’s just not who he is as a person; and even then, if it was a crush or whatever, Chu Wanning would be the type to feel way too guilty about that.

Even if he did – he’d do it somewhere all secretly and quietly so that nobody would ever learn.

So for him to do it this openly, with the door open, in his bed, his t-shirt and blanket clutched to his nose, so shortly and desperately after Mo Ran left to just grab some things for breakfast…

It has to mean something.

It has to mean that this is more than just some simple lust, something much harder to suppress than just the desire to get off to someone sexy, this has to be, this has got to be, Mo Ran can’t be wrong about this.

Somehow, he just knows he isn’t.

This paired with Chu Wanning craving his touches, his hugs, making wonton for him, holding his hand, blushing and scurrying away from his flirting so anxiously, waiting so long to move out when surely he could’ve found a flat earlier, going out with him every now and again, there’s no way he’s wrong about this.

Chu Wanning loves him.

Chu Wanning loves him.

…And he wants him to fuck him, which is an absolute welcome bonus.

“Wanning,” he rasps out, probably with the largest, dumbest fucking smile on his face, which must look a little weird paired with the tent in his pants, “Wanning, fuck, holy shit.”

“I-“ the other starts, only now snapping out of it, his cheeks turning red in a split second to the point he looks like he might explode. His mouth opens and closes a few times in quick successions, only confused little stutters leaving it, “I’m sorry, I-“

Mo Ran wants to interrupt him, but he still feels frozen to the spot with the realization that Chu Wanning loves him. In love with him.

With him.

The person he loves, that person loves him back, actually and really, and Mo Ran can only laugh at that.

Chu Wanning seems to take that laugh negatively though, as mockery, maybe. Mo Ran can’t tell. He barely has the mind to think about it right now.

“I’m sorry, I’m going to leave. I’m going to throw my job and I’m going to leave and you’ll never have to see me ever again, if you want any kind of money as recompensation for having to live with me, then I’ll give you whatever amount you want, I know I’m disgusting and awful and a pervert and please, please just don’t tell me that because I don’t think I could bear to hear it-“

“Wanning,” Mo Ran interrupts him, for real this time, because he’s just talking absolute bullshit by now, “Wanning, fuck, I’m gonna make up for barging in, I’m gonna make you come, just- I just need to take off my fucking shoes, wait, just-“

Without spending any more thoughts on anything, Mo Ran kicks off his shoes as fast as he somewhat can, his fingers trembling more than he’d like to admit when he unties them, then steps out of them and leaves them wherever.

Only now does he drop his keys and bag to the floor, the keys luckily hitting the bag, the bag having landed first, so that it isn’t quite as loud.
He’s going to make him come.

Chu Wanning looks at him all confused when Mo Ran takes the few hasty steps towards his own bed, and rips the blanket off him. His other hand, the one he must’ve been touching himself with, is curled up on his stomach, but from his position, Mo Ran can see his fingers anyways.

Some of them are wet.

He short-circuits, and for a little while, it actually feels like he’s going to pass out, as he just keeps staring at Chu Wanning’s glistening fingers and the shorts, button popped open, his legs and ankles and feet, gaze gliding right back up to take in the way he looks wearing his t-shirt.

“The shirt stays on for now,” is everything his tongue manages, words sounding a little slurred. That’s probably because his field of vision is actually a little black with just how hard he is right now. Whatever. He’d gladly faint over and over and over again if it meant getting to fuck Chu Wanning. “I need to see what you look like coming in my t-shirt.”

“Mo Ran,” comes Chu Wanning’s voice at last, “what are you…?”

He looks like a cornered animal like this, eyes darting from left to right, then to Mo Ran’s, and then to his very obvious erection behind his own pants, up and down and left and right and then up and down again, unmoving but shivering below his gaze anyways.

It’s the hottest thing Mo Ran has ever seen in his entire life, and he’s lived with Chu Wanning for months at this point, so that accounts for a lot.

“I’m gonna make you come. That’s what I’m doing. And I’m- fuck. Wanning, I need to kiss you,” Mo Ran says, already swinging one leg over him, caging him between his legs as he kneels down on the bed, and throws his entire upper body down, barely even catching himself on his elbows until he can lean his forehead against Chu Wanning’s.

They’re so close, and he can kiss him. Like this, he could really just…

“Please,” he begs, “please, please, Wanning, let me kiss you. I can’t- I’ll kiss you if you don’t throw me off right this second, because I can’t not.”

Chu Wanning doesn’t throw him off.

Instead, hands fly up to Mo Ran’s arms and grab them in what Mo Ran thinks must be a half-horny, half-shocked daze, which he gets, because he’s only just understood that Chu Wanning loves him. So of course kissing him would be okay, because he loves him.

And Mo Ran loves him back, because he’d be stupid not to.

So, Mo Ran kisses him. He kisses his professor. His roommate. His friend. He kisses the man that saved his life ages ago, that made him believe that maybe he wasn’t a lost cause, that there was another way than death, that made him believe that at the end of the day, there’d be people there to save him.

But most importantly, he kisses the person he fell in love with fifteen years ago, bathed in light to the point he looked like a god. He is a god. He’s Mo Ran’s god. And Mo Ran is going to be the only one serving him for the rest of his life, because he’d literally kill for him if asked.

He presses his lips against Chu Wanning’s, and it’s then that he can’t hold those tears back anymore, because for a second, his lips feel cracked and dry, but that changes with every passing moment, until their lips slide against each other’s like they were made for this.

Made to fit together, just the two of them.

The hands on his biceps twitch hard, and Mo Ran once again laughs into the kiss, long having guessed this is Chu Wanning’s first. He tries to go slow, really. He tries to make it a soft first kiss, but he’s too horny and happy, so it probably ends up more firm than soft, more messy than intended, but it’s fine, because Chu Wanning doesn’t have anything to compare it to, and Mo Ran just loves him so fucking much.

After a bit, Chu Wanning starts requiting the kiss, uncertain little movements that speak of his inexperience, as if he really doesn’t have a single idea of what to do, only mimicking what Mo Ran is doing.

It’s far from perfect, but to Mo Ran, this is everything.

Chu Wanning is everything to him, and so is the way their lips slot together, the sound of it filling the room slowly but surely. Sounds of them kissing, because Mo Ran is actively kissing Chu Wanning right now, whose breathing is still heavy from his previous endeavours.

Right.

Chu Wanning was getting off.

Not ever letting go off his lips, Mo Ran grabs his hips with one hand, falling to the side a little with the support of his arm gone, but Chu Wanning turns his head so that their lips don’t disconnect at any point.

He wasn’t just desperate for that hug.

He was desperate to be kissed by him, too.

Someone go back in time and tell Mo Ran that he could’ve had this so, so much earlier. Hell, he could’ve been making sure to tell him that he loves him during that meltdown already, to let him know that he’s always going to be here for him, until the fucking world collapses.

His hip bone is so sharp below his palm, and Mo Ran is totally normal about it, but he did promise him that he was going to get him off, so that’s the first thing he’s going to do.
Well. Not like once is going to be enough, obviously, but it’s going to be a starting point.

So, rather unceremoniously, Mo Ran shoves his hand into Chu Wanning’s pants, because clearly both of them have been waiting way too long for this.

He’s warm. Chu Wanning is radiating heat from everywhere, his lips, and even here. Mo Ran inhales sharply at the way his fingers glide so easily over him, feeling the wetness even through his underwear, because he at least has the courtesy not to touch him directly headfirst.

A surprised little gasp is released into his mouth, and for a moment, it seems like Chu Wanning is trying to break the kiss, but Mo Ran won’t let him. He puts his elbow up a little higher until he can cup his cheek and turn him back towards him.

He lets his lips rest against Chu Wanning’s without actively kissing him, just while he concentrates on the fact that he’s got his hand in his pants.

“You’re so wet,” he whispers, receiving a desperate whine in return, “did you get so fucking wet thinking about me?”

There’s no answer, but Mo Ran knows it anyways, because he’s been saying his name the entire time.

For a bit, he only lets his fingertips graze over his underwear, the other starting to tremble so hard at even this that it makes Mo Ran want to devour him whole.

He’s holding onto everything he’s got right now to treat him the best he possibly could.

With every time he moves his fingers up and then down again, he spreads the wetness, dripping through the thin cloth, Mo Ran applying more pressure just once to press it more into Chu Wanning until he can make out the shapes of him, the bump of his clit, definitely aroused as hell, twitching against his fingers every single time he touches it.

He’s touching Chu Wanning right now.

Holy shit.

“Wanning, I’m gonna- I’m gonna make you come,” he mumbles again because that’s everything that’s on his mind right now.

As if agreeing, Chu Wanning’s hands on his arms start groping his muscles, at first slowly, but then growing more and more bold as they run up and down.

He’s feeling him up.

That’s everything Mo Ran needed.

He takes just two fingers to that bump, slick with his wetness, and starts drawing circles, slow ones, applying just enough pressure for Chu Wanning to assumably really feel it, and-

He comes.

Mo Ran kisses him about it.

He kisses Chu Wanning as he comes against his fingers, his nails digging into his biceps as he holds onto him, mouth opening so wide Mo Ran can only open his too, until they’re breathing each other’s air, unsure whether he should kiss him with tongue quite yet or not. He loses control of the rest of his body, too. His hips drive themselves into Mo Ran’s fingers again and again until Mo Ran slows his motions down a little more so that the stimulation doesn’t get too much for him, not for his first time. He’s quiet at first, but then he moans just once, high-pitched and desperate.

Mo Ran’s cock twitches so hard in his pants that he swears to god, he’ll come as soon as anything touches it.

“Yes,” he mutters, kissing the corner of his mouth, “yes, fuck, come for me, Wanning.”

It seems like Chu Wanning was horribly pent up; the orgasm is a long one, and by the end of it, trembles have taken over his body completely so that when he sinks back into the sheets, his body is all lax.

Mo Ran keeps his hand right there, feeling the way he throbs against his palm when he pushes it right back down, his middle finger pushing into the dip in his underwear that’s the most soaked every now and then, his clit twitching against his palm still.

This is so hot. Mo Ran has no idea what the fuck he’s meant to do about it.

He has no idea whether Chu Wanning has come to by the point he does start kissing him with tongue. He’s come to enough to kiss him back again, so that’s got to be a good sign; he presses his tongue flat against Mo Ran’s, who moans at the direct contact, which makes Chu Wanning suddenly back away.

“Mo Ran,” he whispers, looking up at him, his eyes a little less foggy than before he started touching him, “what are we…?”

“We’re having sex,” Mo Ran rasps out. “Can I kiss you again?”

Enough of an explanation for Chu Wanning, it seems. The hands on his biceps travel up to his neck, shaky and so insecure until Mo Ran leans back into them, eventually flattening against the curve of his neck, making the hair on it stand because of just how much he needs Chu Wanning to touch him literally anywhere.

Then, it’s Chu Wanning that leans up until they’re kissing again, shyly opening his mouth again, so Mo Ran goes for it.

Whatever.

He keeps his hand in his pants because he will continue in a second, but also he’s kind enough to give Chu Wanning a few seconds of recovery. Actually, no, hand out of his pants for just a second so that he can grab one of Chu Wanning’s legs and prop it up until his foot is in the mattress and his knees is right in Mo Ran’s crotch.

“Do you feel what you do to me?” he whispers against his lips, starting to rut against Chu Wanning’s leg very much helplessly because of just how much he needs any contact right now, “do you feel how hard I am for you?”

It’s not a ‘yes’, but it sure is a broken little ‘ah-‘ into his mouth, right before Mo Ran shuts him up by starting to suck on his tongue and then thrust his own into his mouth.

As if that was enough encouragement for Chu Wanning, he experimentally starts moving his leg, just pushing it into Mo Ran’s crotch a little. To let him know that he’s doing well, and because this feels really good, Mo Ran moans into his mouth, too.

“Yes,” he whispers, “keep doing that, fuck, that feels so good.”

He lets his hand from below his knee glide down to the slope of his butt, groping him through his shorts once, and then deciding that they need to be off. Those shorts have to fucking be off and if it’s the last thing he does.

The button is already open, so he grabs the waistband of both his shorts and his underwear, shoving it down until Chu Wanning raises his lower body, knee bumping into him even more while Mo Ran starts growing dizzy with just how fast he’s humping against him right now, then slides them down as far as he can with their current position.

“Wait,” he says, breaking the kiss and climbing off his leg to tear those unnecessary clothes the fuck off him.

The blanket long discarded somewhere, he can now see Chu Wanning in his full glory, except for Mo Ran’s shirt that he’s still wearing.

“Fuck,” he laughs, pulling Chu Wanning’s leg back into his crotch because if he’s going to come at this sight, then he might as well come against Chu Wanning’s legs.

Chu Wanning himself also complies, obediently starting to move his leg again, except then, he stops.

“Mo Ran,” he gasps once, retracting his hands from his neck, ending up with them awkwardly hovering between them, “I didn’t…”

“Hm?”

He follows Chu Wanning’s line of sight down to his crotch, not even the black hair there able to hide the fat red clit hidden beneath, clearly not yet satisfied with just one orgasm. He’s seeing Chu Wanning almost naked. He can see even where his pubic hair shifts into leg hair, thinner and not as dark and coarse; he can see a thin trail of hair leading from his belly button into it, too, and one of these days, Mo Ran is going to kiss it down until he can eat him out.

He’s glistening with wetness, some of the hair sticky with it.

“Don’t stare,” Chu Wanning makes, “I didn’t shave.”

Mo Ran barely holds himself back from actually laughing at him.

“You- You’d think that’d bother me?” Alright. Maybe there’s still some amusement in his voice after all. “You think I’d give a single damn whether you’ve shaved or not, Wanning, when all I care about right now is coming against your fucking leg and then making you come again? Tell me, how many times have you touched yourself to the thought of this, how many- ah-“

At the question, Chu Wanning’s leg bumped into him harder, and all the breath gets knocked out of Mo Ran. He’s going to come, and it’s going to happen soon.

“How many times have you touched yourself to this, Wanning?” he repeats anyways, determined despite his own frantic, teenager-like dry-humping that seems to turn Chu Wanning on more than anything else, apparently, given the way he looks at his crotch almost as if in trance.

“Not… never, not before today,” he stutters, “I didn’t… I haven’t…”

“Was this your first orgasm?”

“N-no,” he admits quietly, “stop talking…”

“No, fuck, Wanning, how often have you come before? How often could I have watched you do this, fuck, you have to tell me.”

He knows it’s arousal talking, but it’s also pent-up frustration of having been in love with him for so long. Somehow, Chu Wanning answers him. The orgasm must’ve loosened him up more than Mo Ran had first thought.

“…Only a handful of times.”

“How often, Wanning?”

“…Three.”

“Fuck. I’m gonna make you come at least four times then, gonna make you come more often than you’ve come in your entire life before, fuck…!”

Mo Ran comes, because of course he does. He’s just given Chu Wanning the fourth orgasm of his entire life, how could he not feel absolutely and utterly insane about that information? He stills his motions against his leg and feels himself come into his pants, hot and messy and way too much, way too much for the fact it isn’t inside of Chu Wanning, but oh well.

He stares down at him the entire time. It’s getting kind of dark, but he can still make him out; his phoenix eyes, his hair spread over the sheets, the rapid rise and fall of his chest as he looks like he might just cream himself again at the thought of Mo Ran having just come because of him. He can see the dips in his hips, the hair, the smooth skin, the way his stomach and thighs both look much more muscular than he had previously thought. He isn’t as skinny, either, probably having gained some healthy weight with Mo Ran’s cooking, but the muscles below his skin are more than obvious. He’s never seen him work out, but he’s got to. This is so hot.

Even when his own orgasm ebbs down, Mo Ran is very acutely aware that his dick isn’t at all growing soft. How could it, with such a sight?

“Alright,” he says, “sorry, I needed that, I couldn’t- concentrate like that.”

That’s a lie, because it’s bold of Mo Ran to assume he could ever concentrate with Chu Wanning below him, his knee pressed against the wet spot in his pants. If it’s a lie, it’s at least a bold-faced lie, he supposes.

“Gonna make you come a second time, and then a third, and then a fourth, you can touch me wherever you want, it’s up to you, everything’s free reign.”

Slowly and like Chu Wanning still has no idea whether he’s actually allowed, he trails his hands over his shoulders while Mo Ran gets back to work. He dips his finger into him just a tiny bit, just to gather up more wetness before he goes straight for his clit.

At first, he only strokes it from side to side, feeling Chu Wanning’s shaky little motions go lower and lower, to the waistband of his bands, back up a little, then to the front. They creep below his shirt, hell, and then he’s got his professor feeling up his stomach and chest muscles, and Mo Ran literally has to do his best not to faint right here on the spot.

More relaxed after a first orgasm, Chu Wanning’s moans also come out more freely, sweet little sounds that he closes his eyes at with red cheeks, embarrassed about making them, yet unable to stop them.

It brings a smile to Mo Ran’s face as he once more scoops up the slick liquid with his middle finger, pulls back the hood, and then touches Chu Wanning’s clit directly.

“Ah!”

Seemingly, that was too loud for Chu Wanning, since one of his hands retracts from Mo Ran’s abs and instead flies to his own mouth.

“No, no, let me hear you baby.”

Honestly, Chu Wanning looks a bit like a caught animal below him, especially when Mo Ran uses that pet name on him, which makes him all the more adorable. He can’t have this though.

“Let me hear your moans, Wanning, please?”

With the hand that isn’t still rubbing small circles into Chu Wanning’s clit, barely hovering over it considering he’s already come once and must be even more sensitive because of that, he starts peeling Chu Wanning’s hand off his mouth and instead intertwines their fingers next to his head. Chu Wanning however keeps his lips tightly sealed, the effort of not letting any more sounds escape making tears appear in his eyes.

Maybe that’s also because he’s overstimulated, given the way his trembling is getting worse and worse, even if Mo Ran is keeping his touches horribly light.

“Do you like it?” he asks, “or is it too much?”

“Too much,” Chu Wanning says, but opening his mouth means that it ends with him moaning again.

“Bad too much, or good too much?”

Because really, it looks like Chu Wanning likes the overstimulation, and he doesn’t answer, which probably means it’s the good kind.

Mo Ran’s smile morphs into a smirk.

Mentally he makes a tick on his inner ‘Chu Wanning’s kinks’ list, next to ‘overstimulation’. Good to know. He’ll hopefully be ticking off some more over the course of this, but at the same time, it is Chu Wanning’s first time and Mo Ran better not scare him off from doing this more than just once.

But they will, because Chu Wanning likes him back, and he’s enjoying this, so.

Mo Ran kisses his lips once more, and really, he wants to stay glued to them, but there’s something much more important he could be doing with his mouth right now. He’ll make Chu Wanning be unable to keep those moans inside, no matter how hard he tries anyways, and besides they’re already starting again, bordering on little shrieks when Mo Ran dares to slow his motions.

No, instead, he starts kissing down his chin and throat, right to his collarbones and then a little bit back up, towards his neck. He places his lips against it and licks, Chu Wanning shivering below him, some more wetness trickling out, which, good. He’s into neck kisses. Mo Ran can work with that.

Except that isn’t enough.

Chu Wanning likes him back.

He’s way too elated about this to be rational, so he goes just a bit higher again, because well, what if he wants people to see that he’s fucked his professor? What if he wants people to know Chu Wanning is his, wants them to see the mark he’s about to leave?

And so, Mo Ran sucks on his skin, hard. He feels Chu Wanning shudder at it, especially when he uses teeth, too; not quite enough to sink into his skin but enough to scrape and make him wince a little below him. Good.

“Say my name when you come,” Mo Ran whispers against the spot he’s working on, pulling back a little, “are you close? Considering how loud you’re getting, I bet you are.”

“You…!” comes the angry little comment that Mo Ran can’t do anything but laugh at, given just how much at his mercy Chu Wanning is right now, even followed by another sharp cry when Mo Ran presses his fingers down onto the nub a little firmer. Indeed, Chu Wanning has gotten used to the light stimulation now, so this will do the job.

Hence, he admires the newly forming red mark on his neck, and moves onto the next spot above his collarbone, feeling the collar of his own shirt that Chu Wanning is wearing against his chin; he will raise it up later, probably, but it’s not going to be taken off.

Once Mo Ran speeds up, and Chu Wanning comes, Mo Ran’s name only weakly on his lips as if he doesn’t have it in him anymore, the man’s hands flying back up to his pecs, but through the shirt this time, holding onto them, which okay fine, Mo Ran nearly comes again at that. He’s not the priority here though, so he doesn’t care much when the feeling fizzles out once more.

This time, he makes sure to raise his head to watch him come, take in all the glory of it, the ripples going through his body, his legs shaking; he can see his clit quivering, pink and wet, and Mo Ran maybe won’t eat him out this time – Chu Wanning is too wet for Mo Ran to not finger him, frankly, and also he needs to be able to continue kissing him on the lips because he thinks he might be addicted to that now – but the urge to suck him off is huge right now. The tears that had surfaced into his eyes at what was probably the pain and need of someone who’s really into overstimulation fall.

Mo Ran is seeing him cry for the first time, because he’s making him come so well.

What if he ascended right here and now?

His lips fall open, but he isn’t making noise anymore, instead really quiet, his eyebrows all scrunched up; Mo Ran will never see his eyebrows move without seeing his orgasm face ever again, he swears to heaven and hell.

“Yes, that’s it,” he stutters, “fuck, you’re soaked, I could just put a finger into you now-“

He’s not going to take advantage of Chu Wanning that much though; he does want to ask whether that’s okay properly, because he knows some trans folks get dysphoric about it, but dear lord, how badly he wants to just plunge one or two fingers into him right now and make sure to find out whether Chu Wanning can squirt or not.

So he doesn’t, but the mention of it makes Chu Wanning push his head back into the pillow. Bad enough he can’t escape Mo Ran kissing him again like this either, though, because he wants to taste his orgasm like that at least, if he already can’t have him come in his mouth right now.

Once Chu Wanning is kissing him back again, which means he must’ve recovered enough, Mo Ran retreats enough so he can ask him.

“Can I finger you, baby?”

Whatever – if Chu Wanning doesn’t like the petname, he can take it up with him later, but he looks anything but displeased if Mo Ran is honest, so.

“What? I- I never…,” he stutters, the fingers on his pecs nervously running back and forth, the quiet sound of it the brush of fingertips and t-shirt reverberating in the room.
“Hm? Those three times, you didn’t finger yourself?”

“Mo Ran, you shameless…!”

“Am I wrong?” Mo Ran chuckles, leaning closer to his ear to make sure to whisper it right into it. “Am I going to be the first to ever put anything inside of you?”

He emphasizes his point by letting his middle finger glide down to the opening; it slips in basically against his will, just an inch because of just how wet Chu Wanning is by now.

“Want it, Wanning? You want my finger?”

“You…!” his professor – he’s fucking his professor and that’s so fucking hot, Mo Ran thinks – splutters, but eventually what he says is, “…yes.”

Alright. Mo Ran has the damned go for it.

“Right, okay, shit, wait, towel,” he says, thanking his self from some hours ago for having brought towels into the room so they wouldn’t soil his bedsheets with sauce. He grabs both the duck towels from the floor where he’ discarded them earlier, “raise yourself for a second.”

Even though he’s visibly confused, Chu Wanning complies, and Mo Ran spreads out both towels beneath him. He’s not sure whether he’ll still have the energy to change bedsheets later, just in case Chu Wanning does squirt.

Most people Mo Ran’s been with with this sort of anatomy, he’s made squirt, so eh, he better prepare.

“Why towels,” Chu Wanning grumbles, as if actually pissed off and completely unaware of just how wet he is already.

“You’ll see,” Mo Ran says, then hastily raises Chu Wanning up until he can sit down behind him. Better position for this, he thinks; his hands are quite big, he’s gonna reach everything he’ll need to, and also this way, he can hug him, which he thinks is a very crucial point.

Chu Wanning falls back against him so naturally, his face buried in his chest almost immediately, or well; one cheek, given his back is pressed against Mo Ran’s chest and stuff this way. He’s still breathing heavily, eyes clouded, still crying, even if not a lot.

Mo Ran’s going to change that.

“Gonna start with one,” he announces, propping Chu Wanning’s legs up on his own to spread them properly, earning a humiliated shriek at how suddenly he does it, but he couldn’t care less right now because he’s been allowed to finger him.

So, he does.

Mo Ran puts his middle finger where it’s been before, and sinks it into him. He’s loose by now, even if he’s a virgin, which is good. Or, in other words, one isn’t going to be enough, so Mo Ran quickly adds another, unable to hold himself back.

The other hand that he still had on Chu Wanning’s leg gets taken by Chu Wanning, fingers clinging to his all of a sudden.

Chu Wanning’s forehead is a little sweaty already. Not enough, Mo Ran thinks. Not nearly enough.

He raises their joint hands to turn Chu Wanning’s head, while at the same time trying to test out the waters, starting to move his fingers in and out slowly, then speed up once Chu Wanning doesn’t seem like he’s in pain anymore; he tilts his chin until he can kiss his forehead, then his hair, burying his nose in it.

“You always smell so good,” he says, “but nothing beats the way you smell right now, holy shit, Wanning, you feel that?”

He ruts against his back once.

“I’m still so fucking hard for you. Gonna sit you on it one day, fuck, gonna make you come with just my cock, and I’m gonna eat you out till you scream, I swear-“

He’s just running his mouth by now, but so be it. He’s waited so, so long to fuck this man, and Chu Wanning doesn’t hate it, so it’s whatever to Mo Ran.

He curls his fingers, a little over two knuckles deep, and Chu Wanning goes almost limp in his arms.

“There we go,” he whispers, brushing their joint hands through Chu Wanning’s hair, petting away at it, then repeating the motion; Chu Wanning’s other hand starts flailing mid-air, and Mo Ran may have only fucked one other autistic person before, but he knows that stimming during sex is usually a good sign, so fuck, if this isn’t the best night of his whole life.

Suddenly, however, Chu Wanning clenches around his fingers, and his head turns to the side.

“Stop!” he shrieks, so Mo Ran thinks he might’ve left their apartment’s door open and that someone’s come in, but he quickly realizes that only one of these statements is correct.
Plum is in the door, staring at them, and Mo Ran can’t help but let out a snort.

“C’mon, she’s a cat.”

“No, no, she can’t-“

“Wanning, she’s a cat… and she’s gone.”

Plum has stalked away, realizing that whatever noises her owner is making clearly doesn’t mean that he’s unwell. A second later, Mo Ran hears the noise of a cat jumping onto a surface, and then it’s quiet.

“Well, back to business,” he says, and doesn’t give Chu Wanning any more time to think about how he wants the door closed so his cat doesn’t see him have sex or whatever. Mo Ran couldn’t care less right now, so he picks his motions back up, and makes sure to pinpoint the exact spot Chu Wanning needs.

“Stop thinking about your cat,” Mo Ran says, planting another short peck against Chu Wanning’s lips, “think about me instead.”

Seems like Chu Wanning is thinking about him well enough though, with his eyes rolling back before he closes them, mouth open in a silent scream when Mo Ran makes so damned sure Chu Wanning’s first experience getting fingered is a good one.

This time when Chu Wanning says his name, it’s in that desperate, horny tone from before he walked into the room again. It’s basically moaned against his lips, and what comes out of Chu Wanning’s mouth next is a sob.

Whether it’s because he feels so good, or because he’s horribly mortified about the loud wet sounds his body is making when Mo Ran starts rocking his entire arm, he doesn’t know.

Right when he feels Chu Wanning start to contract around him, he pulls his fingers out, earning a smack to his back (which he’s kind of into, a little too much, holy shit), but he’s right.

He knew it.

Chu Wanning, perfect as he fucking is, does squirt. Mo Ran feels it trickle into his hands; it’s not a lot, but fuck. The realization that Chu Wanning very much did just squirt on his own two fingers, it…

He needs to fuck him. He really, really needs to fuck him so bad, but first and foremost, he needs this to happen again, and even fucking him can wait. That can wait either way because he knows he’s big, and he doesn’t want to scare Chu Wanning, so there’s that factor also.

Mo Ran plunges his fingers back into him and goes harder. He knows what hurts and what doesn’t hurt, and he’s well aware of the fact by now that Chu Wanning likes it hard.

“Why did you-“ Chu Wanning starts, but he’s forced to shut up when Mo Ran gets even faster.

His own breathing is so stupidly heavy with how much he needs Chu Wanning, with how much the facts that he’s making Chu Wanning come again and again and how he’s made him squirt, and they make his stomach turn in the best of ways.

The way Chu Wanning reacts now, much more receptive than before after having the stimulation taken away from him… Mo Ran puts a mental note to the ‘edging’ section of his kink list, too, and makes sure to do it once more, even if it’s just to make him squirt again.

When he’s just about to pull out again, Chu Wanning suddenly grabs his arm, holding it in a vice grip, something like pure panic all over his face.

“…Is something wrong?” Mo Ran asks, stilling his motions, and Chu Wanning looks so scared that Mo Ran really thinks he’s made a mistake for a while.

“I- Mo Ran, I feel like I’m gonna- die or something.”

Oh.

Really, Mo Ran doesn’t mean to laugh, but how could he not? Chu Wanning is so… adorable. He’s adorable as hell.

“You’re so cute,” he voices his thoughts, starting his motions back up slowly, kissing his neck from behind, and grumbling into it. “Just let go for now, okay? I’m here. You won’t die. I’ll make you feel so good if you let me, baby.”

The pet name seems to do it, even if there’s an angry flicker in Chu Wanning’s eyes about it.

Within the span of seconds, Mo Ran has him back on the brink of orgasm, still curling his fingers inside of him, and letting go of his hand to instead press it down on his lower abdomen.

At that, Chu Wanning positively flinches, both of his hands grabbing Mo Ran’s legs and then the sheets and then his arm, as if unsure whether to try and pull it away or pull it closer. He can tell how he’s searching for something to hold onto, and ah, maybe Mo Ran’s ought to stop after this to give him some breathing time.

When he pulls his fingers out of him again in a swift motion, he very much squirts once more, and it’s more this time, drenching the poor duck towels below them, his hand and even some of his legs, and he can’t let Chu Wanning think about this anymore because he’s pretty sure he’d lose his composure completely if he gave him time to acknowledge what he’s just done.

To prolong that at least a little, Mo Ran does stop edging him, and drives him to a third orgasm.

As many in one night as he’s had in his entire life so far.

Good.

Feeling Chu Wanning contract around him makes Mo Ran moan; his hips buck into Chu Wanning’s back again and again, and he can barely hold off from coming himself, imagining just how good this would feel if he was inside of him right now.

Chu Wanning, meanwhile, is clearly lost. This orgasm isn’t a quiet one. It’s loud, very much so, the shivering of his body really not improving at all since Mo Ran keeps tormenting him like this.

“Yes, so good for me, Wanning, you look so, so pretty like this, so beautiful…”

When the other shakes his head, something in Mo Ran snaps again. He hears himself growl against Chu Wanning’s neck which, holy shit, he feels like he’s in one of those bad porn novels that his neighbour reads right now, the things this guy makes him do, and bites into it again.

“No, you’re so fucking beautiful, and I’m not having anything else.”

“Mo Ran,” Chu Wanning whines, the movements of his hips stilling after a bit, aftershocks still wracking through his body, “I’m sorry, I-“

“Why are you apologizing? You’re perfect.”

“But I just…” he says with a panicked little glance at the towels, so Mo Ran just kisses his neck again. Hmm. There it is. Mortified. He can work with that. He might be able to make it worse, too, actually.

“You just squirted? Hm, I know. Did it feel that good? So good that you came all over my hand like that?”

“I… I don’t know what… I don’t…”

He’s so adorably confused. He probably doesn’t know what squirting is, right? If he’s only gotten off three times before this. No wonder.

Mo Ran brushes his dry hand through his hair again.

“It’s fine, Wanning, this was super hot. You want to stop or-“

“No. No, you haven’t yet…”

“Oh, I’ve come alright, did you forget?”

“Y-yes, but… I haven’t done anything…”

“You don’t have to,” Mo Ran mumbles, “just getting to touch you like this is enough.”

He curls his fingers again, and once more that’s enough to make Chu Wanning give in.

“Gonna add a third,” he chirps into his ear, “you’re more than wet enough by now, it shouldn’t hurt.”

Indeed, it slips in with ease, and whatever protest Chu Wanning was trying to give him, something something about him not having pleased Mo Ran or whatever (his pure presence and the fact he’s in bed with him right now pleases Mo Ran more than anything else ever could) dies down at that.

“… Fuck,” Chu Wanning makes, looking down at himself like he doesn’t know what to do about himself right now, like he still has no clue what’s happening and why Mo Ran is fingering him right now, “that’s…”

“Hm? That’s what?”

When Chu Wanning speaks back up, it comes out as blabbering, a little but non-comprehensively with how lust-addled his brain must be by now.

“That’s… three already?”

“You want a fourth? Think you can take it?”

As if entranced by the picture they’re currently painting, he gives a nod, even if it makes him so much more visibly embarrassed. Mo Ran’s glad that he’s having his way with him well enough for him to put his qualms about all of this aside.

All Mo Ran manages himself is to nod back and sneak in his pinkie, too. Chu Wanning mewls a bit and tenses up. Maybe this is too much, but if Mo Ran trusts Chu Wanning to do anything, it’s to speak his mind about things he doesn’t want. He usually does so this probably wouldn’t be any different. So, in the end, he doesn’t pull out his fingers, but just lets Chu Wanning get used.

Hell.

Four fingers inside of him on his first time, when before he hasn’t even had one in him…

Mo Ran nearly chokes on his own spit because good god, has he mentioned just how down bad he is for Chu Wanning? Because god, what the fuck, he really can’t believe his luck. Under normal circumstances, if they’d confessed like normal people, Mo Ran maybe would’ve held back more, gone slower, but like this?

Finding Chu Wanning masturbating in his bed, shouting his name?

Yeah, no way in hell was he going to wait.

Talking is for a later point.

“Is it too much? You’ve got to relax,” he whispers, leaning his forehead against the back of Chu Wanning’s head, and then using his free hand to stroke some hair away to kiss away at the shell of his ear. Suddenly, Chu Wanning lets out another one of those mewls; more in pleasure than pain, and Mo Ran stops the motion of his lips, only to discover that there’s a mole directly behind Chu Wanning’s ears, and it’s horribly sensitive. He’s going to abuse that knowledge.

He doesn’t receive an answer from Chu Wanning, so he assumes he’s fine and just too scared to say it, kissing the mole again and then starting to lick at it, feeling the fine hair on his neck stand at it. Slowly, he spreads his fingers a little to get him to loosen up, slow motions to really stretch him out before he can properly fuck him on what’s basically half his hand.

God.

After a while, he finally manages to get them in down to his knuckles, and Chu Wanning’s head lolls back into him. It denies him access to the mole, but it’s fine.

Mo Ran doesn’t need that to make him come.

Now, he uses his other hand to creep below his shirt and tug it up, but it doesn’t stay that way, so he has no other choice but to give Chu Wanning some instructions.

“Hold it up for me,” he says, “want to see you so bad right now, baby, wanna see what you look like fucking yourself on my fingers, so move for me, okay?”

Weirdly obediently – shit, is Chu Wanning actually just the perfect man for him, submissive and all? – Chu Wanning grasps the t-shirt with shaking hands and rolls it up, then starting to slowly rock his hips, the sounds of it making him turn his head further into Mo Ran’s chest again.

Meanwhile, Mo Ran is very much preoccupied with the way Chu Wanning looks.

“You’re… you’re so beautiful,” he stutters helplessly, starting to curl his fingers a bit again while Chu Wanning’s motions get more unsteady. Whether it’s exhaustion or unbridled lust, Mo Ran can’t tell. Maybe a bit of both. “I mean, I already knew you’re beautiful, but shit, you’re beautiful.”

There’s not much hair above the trail leading from his belly button down past where the waistband of his pants would be if he was still wearing them; only some fuzz below his collarbones and around his chest, but not much at all. Not that Mo Ran would’ve cared any other way, either. Chu Wanning is hot as hell to him no matter what.

At first, he doesn’t see any scars from top surgery either; only at second glance does he realize that they’re only around his nipples, fine silver lines around them. Makes sense; Chu Wanning wouldn’t have been the type to have super big boobs or whatever, probably.

…Again.

Not that Mo Ran would care. As long as it’s Chu Wanning, he’d love him any way at all.

In between his collarbones dangles the small red pendant that Kora had gifted both of them, that Mo Ran also still wears, the contrast of it and Chu Wanning’s skin big in colour, but at the same time not as much as it could be, with the way Chu Wanning’s entire body is flushed.

By everything Mo Ran holds holy (okay, he isn’t super religious, so that’s not a lot, but his point stands), Chu Wanning is… breathtaking. Even his chest is still firm with muscle, and when Mo Ran brushes his hand over one nipple and then the other, Chu Wanning’s hips jerk once and come to a halt; he hasn’t come, Mo Ran doesn’t think. No, this just looks like his body went positively slack at having his nipples touched.

“Sensitive, hm?” Mo Ran asks, “come on, keep fucking yourself on my fingers, make yourself come, I’ll keep touching them.”

Another one of those weak nods, and Chu Wanning resumes his motions. Briefly, Mo Ran wonders whether it’s because of the command he’s given him, or because Chu Wanning is trying to save face for himself, not let on any weaknesses. Doesn’t matter though, as long as he keeps fucking himself so beautifully.

Mo Ran even makes sure to reward him with curling his fingers harder, Chu Wanning now absolutely relaxed around them, and also with some praise, because given this man’s kind of low self-esteem he might just…

“You’re doing so well for me, Wanning. Yeah, just like that-“

…really be into praise.

Indeed, what Mo Ran gets for this is a long and high-pitched whine, and then, Chu Wanning’s coming again.

“Yes, fuck, Wanning,” Mo Ran whispers into his ear, ticking that praise kink on his list too and figuring that he might just perhaps tick the next one too. Once, he flicks Chu Wanning’s nipple, then goes for it. He lowers his voice to the deepest he can go, and then says: “Come for me like the little slut you are, yes, god, it’d feel so good to feel you clench like that around my cock-”

The last bit he underlines by starting to hump Chu Wanning’s backside, because uhm, he can, alright?

Seems like this one is also a jackpot, because Chu Wanning’s orgasm seems to intensify again at being degraded like that, his eyes glazing over with not just tears but something else, something Mo Ran isn’t sure where to place exactly, a shade falling over his irises like he’s losing it for good now-

Even when the orgasm stops, Chu Wanning clearly isn’t completely back in his right mind, and honestly, neither is Mo Ran. He can’t stop moving against him; it feels too good, too real, way too real for the fact this is Chu Wanning. He can’t stop pumping his fingers in and out either, kind of considering putting in a fifth while Chu Wanning is so spaced out still, even though technically he should be making sure he’s fine.

“Mo Ran…” comes his voice suddenly, hoarse by now, whiny and stuffy with the tears he’s still crying. “Mo Ran, stop-“

Instantly, Mo Ran stops, pulling his fingers back out, both of their breathing terribly loud in this room right now. He wants him.

He wants to take him so bad, but he shouldn’t on his first time, he shouldn’t scare him off, and he just told him to stop-

“No, no, don’t stop,” Chu Wanning says instead now, looking back up at him, turning around enough for that.

Their eyes meet.

The glint in Chu Wanning’s eyes is fierce, even through just how much they’re shimmering, and the way he grabs both of Mo Ran’s legs is just as strong.

“Don’t stop,” he repeats, and then quieter, his blush reaching his ears, “but stop with your… fingers.”

It feels like the floor is being pulled from Mo Ran in milliseconds.

“Baby, do you mean-“

A shy nod, his eyes downcast again, like he doesn’t want to admit out loud, like he can’t pronounce the words.

“Wanning, you’re not serious about this, you know, I’m quite big-“

“You’ve just had four of your fingers inside of me!” Chu Wanning snaps, climbing off him and instead kneeling between his legs all of a sudden, already reaching for his pants, opening the button and pulling down the zipper without any further inhibitions. “I can do it, so just…”

“You’re serious,” Mo Ran says, watching in awe as Chu Wanning struggles to get his pants off because Mo Ran isn’t raising his hips for him, way too taken aback at the sudden boldness.

“Mo Ran,” he repeats his name, looking at him, and the despair and need in his eyes and voice, the whiny edge to it, the way Mo Ran feels like he’s on the verge of asking him whether he doesn’t want him that way and holy shit does Mo Ran want him that way so he better-

“Okay, okay,” he says hastily, “I’ll- I’ll go slow. I’ll make it hurt as little as possible-“

“I don’t care,” Chu Wanning spits out, sitting back a little once Mo Ran sits up to get rid of his pants and underwear altogether, as fast as humanly possible.

Because Chu Wanning wants him to fuck him, and Mo Ran is entirely sane about this right now.

“About the pain, I mean, I don’t- I don’t care, Mo Ran.”

“What do you mean…?”

“I don’t care if it hurts,” he says, bashful all of a sudden, his eyes glued to Mo Ran’s dick now that he can see it, which he gulps at, clearly a little less certain of his own words now, “I just… I…”

“I’ll be careful anyways because I don’t want to hurt you, not for your first time anyways, but do say what you wanted to say…?”

The smirk on Mo Ran’s face very much seems to do Chu Wanning in, because he caves and rips his eyes back off Mo Ran’s cock, then looking back into his, too.

“…I want you to fuck me,” he says feebly, barely managing to keep the eye contact, “…please.”

Well so that breaks Mo Ran more than anything before and he leans over to his bedside drawer the fastest he’ ever leaned over to that fucking thing, opening it and blindly grabbing the first condom package he finds, ready to rip it open before Chu Wanning swiftly catches his hand, blatant fear in his eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Eh? Getting a condom. You know about contraception-“

“I know, and I don’t care,” Chu Wanning hisses, not unlike a cat, and Mo Ran’s mouth falls open.

“What-“

“I don’t care, just get on with it…!”

“W-without a condom?”

Chu Wanning hasn’t ever taken his gaze off him, but now that he’s being confronted with what he’s really asking for, he does look away, sitting back on the bed, his voice very quiet when he speaks up again.

“If you don’t want-“

“No, no, fuck, baby, I want that, if you’re sure I can fuck you without a condom, fuck- You have no idea what you do to me, just… lie down. You sure?”

Chu Wanning answers by grabbing the condom and flinging it across the room, then kissing Mo Ran.

Gripped by the fact that Chu Wanning wants Mo Ran to come inside of him, no matter the risks because well, he’s trans, and ah, Mo Ran’s thinking with his dick not his brain right now, he wraps his arms around him and lowers him back onto the bed, pressing his elbows against his shoulder blades so he can cradle his head, Chu Wanning lying on his arms for a bit before Mo Ran props himself back up.

He's asked for it so nicely – who would he be to deny the love of his life his wish?

“Aright,” he says into the kiss, “just once more, are you su-“

He gets interrupted by Chu Wanning throwing his legs around Mo Ran’s back, which makes Mo Ran fall down onto him a little; Chu Wanning raises his hips enough until Mo Ran can feel him against him, wet and hot and…

He gets it.

Chu Wanning is ready and he wants this, so Mo Ran really has nothing to lose. If it’s too much, they can still stop, except…

Can they really?

Can he really control himself as soon as he starts fucking Chu Wanning? But he also said he wouldn’t mind the pain, right, so…

Mo Ran swallows once more, closes his eyes, and takes his hand to his own dick to control himself a bit more.

Chu Wanning’s hands, trembling and shaking in what Mo Ran can only guess to be anticipation, wrap around his back, holding onto the shirt he’s also still wearing. They really aren’t taking their time, but Mo Ran is pretty sure both of them are equally desperate, actually, so maybe that’s just fine.

“Okay, I’m gonna…” he says, and Chu Wanning nods, going right back to kissing him all clumsily and with an open mouth so that he shuts up.

Mo Ran gets it and gets to work.

He aligns them, and presses in.

He knows he’s bigger than four fingers, especially in length, but…

He slides in so easily, because Chu Wanning wants this more than anything else, apparently, keeping himself as relaxed as possible. Mo Ran does stop once the tip is in, if only just to steady himself, get a grip on things, because he’s currently aroused beyond belief.

Of course Mo Ran already knew that Chu Wanning was wet – hell, he’s made him squirt twice – but… he’s so wet and hot inside, and whatever willpower he had to stop just now gets utterly annihilated when Chu Wanning clenches around him once.

It feels even better than Mo Ran could’ve ever imagined, and his hips twitch forward, further into him, and Chu Wanning let’s out a small ‘oh-‘ at that.

Mo Ran has his elbows on either side of him again now, his hands on the sides of his cheeks, kissing him again and again to make sure that he has enough of a distraction if it does hurt, but also because he wants to.

Because he’s sleeping with Chu Wanning right now, against all odds, and he can kiss him. Because Chu Wanning loves him back, weirdly enough. He loves him.

The thought drives Mo Ran to bury himself inside of him completely, Chu Wanning clinging to him by now, biting Mo Ran’s lip once he’s fully inside. Mo Ran knows he’s a lot, so he thinks he should probably…

“You’re doing so well,” he says into Chu Wanning’s mouth, “taking me so well, fuck, Wanning.”

He tries his best to give him some time like this, to get used properly, but then it’s Chu Wanning who starts moving below him, small little bumps of his hips into Mo Ran’s cock, which makes Mo Ran realize just how desperate he is for this.

“Doesn’t hurt,” Chu Wanning slurs, “Mo Ran…”

“I can’t- I need to fuck you,” Mo Ran says, “I can’t hold back like this, is that-“

“Mo Ran.”

So, Mo Ran lets loose.

It’s okay.

Mo Ran starts fucking him, trying to start slow, but he loses it soon enough, and then he finds himself pounding into Chu Wanning as fast and hard as he can.

At first, there’s barely any reaction to it, only Chu Wanning’s hands leaving his back for a bit. But then, when they come back, they clutch at his back, fingernails digging into it enough for him to feel the pain through the shirt, and tremors start going through Chu Wanning’s body in waves, his lips closing for a few seconds until Mo Ran forcefully opens them back up with his own.

The sounds of their lips meeting and parting is loud enough, but it gets more than just drowned out by the way their bodies are colliding, the wet slapping sound of Mo Ran thrusting into him echoing in the room.

Only then does Chu Wanning start making more noise. It starts as quiet, almost surprised little moans, like he didn’t expect it to feel like this or something. They grow in volume and pitch fast, and Mo Ran can feel how wet his cheeks are when they start sliding against each other again when their kisses get more intense. He’s definitely crying again, and that’s confirmed when he starts sobbing in between the other noises he’s making, bordering on screams by now.

“Mo Ra-ah…!”

“Wanning,” Mo Ran moans, hearing the own reverence in his voice because he swears, fucking Chu Wanning is actually an otherworldly experience. The way his body ripples is gorgeous, the sounds they make together, the hands on his back so desperately searching for hold and then starting to hit him. Not unlike he hit his own legs earlier, but because of an entirely different reason.

“Mo Ran, I… hng…!”

It’s just nonsense that he’s saying at this point, broken apart by the sobs and whines, muffled by Mo Ran’s lips.

He grips him by his waist next, instead, moving him against him, losing his rhythm because of it. But none of that is of any great importance right now. The only thing vital to all this is that Chu Wanning loves him, because he wouldn’t let him do this otherwise. Mo Ran knows that.

He loves him.

Enough to do this with him, to fulfill what Mo Ran has been dreaming about for weeks, and far beyond that.

“Wanning,” he whispers into his mouth, feeling the other nod at just his name, and then feeling him smile.

It’s just for a split second, in between thrusts while Mo Ran adjusts his position a bit to hit a little deeper, which washes the smile right off Chu Wanning’s face again, but he smiled.

Mo Ran fucked him so good he smiled.

Oh, he’s not going to make it for much longer, not with Chu Wanning’s waist between his hands anyways, not when he draws back just once to look down at him, the sweat making his body all shiny, the droplets stuck to the hair on his thighs, the way his lips are all shiny and swollen with their kisses, his face wet with tears and what’s probably also some spit here and there.

And his eyes.

Oh, his eyes.

How could Mo Ran not…?

He leans back down to kiss him, probably way too innocently, too much of a contrast between his mouth and hips, but he doesn’t care. He pecks them, Chu Wanning’s moans ringing in his ears with how close they are. Then, starting to cry himself, he smiles against Chu Wanning’s lips, and grabs the last scrap of lucidity he has left right now despite finally making love to the one he’s fallen in love with all these years ago.

He’s inside of the person that saved his life and then ruined it, except he was the only one Mo Ran was holding onto all these years. It’s always been Chu Wanning and it will always be him. There’s never going to be anyone else for Mo Ran, and when he walked into that classroom, that belief got further solidified. Because he was still so beautiful, and still the same, and then he stood in his door and then he was all blushy and sweet with him, and then he was there for Mo Ran and the other way around.

And then?

Then, he made him wonton, and what would be a better way to pay him back then fucking him like this?

“Wanning,” he whispers against his lips, “Wanning?”

“Hm?”

A small sound in between the loud ones. Mo Ran never stops fucking him again, very adamant at having them come together, and considering the way Chu Wanning is thrashing below him, so far gone by now, that’s probably going to happen.

Still, he kisses him again, two times in a row, before leaning his forehead against his.

“Wanning? Wanning, I love you-“

And Chu Wanning comes, right then and there. Mo Ran feels him squeeze around his cock until he’s forced to still, but that’s okay, because the thought of Chu Wanning coming on his cock really would be more than enough to make him come in any universe whatsoever.

With a grunt, he spills inside of Chu Wanning, the other hugging him so hard that, paired with the force of his own orgasm, he falls onto him.

It feels good.

Everything about it feels better than Mo Ran could ever put into words, as if he’s finally resurfaced from water after hours, months, years of drowning, like there’s finally a breath of fresh air in the way Chu Wanning’s body is all around him, making it so that he can finally live again.

Because he loves him, and Chu Wanning loves him back, and Mo Ran raises him back up while barely conscious just to pull him into a hug, too, holding him until he drowns again, but this time, in him.

Mo Ran thinks he wouldn’t mind dying right now; not because he thinks he’ll never see Chu Wanning again like all the times in the past that he’s had similar thoughts, no, but because he is here.

But what Mo Ran wants much more than to die by Chu Wanning’s side is to live by his side, and so, all he can do is hold him close to make sure he doesn’t leave again.

He won’t, though.

This time, Mo Ran is sure of it.

Chapter Text

Chu Wanning, from beginning to end, does not know what to think as soon as he regains his consciousness.

Actually, he does know what to think, namely, it’s ‘what the hell, did I seriously just pass out because I came so hard?’, to which the answer is seemingly yes.

It can’t have been long, because Mo Ran is still inside of him. He’s softening now, Chu Wanning can tell, because it hurts a little less.

Not that he minded the pain. It wasn’t too bad anyways, and he got used a few seconds after Mo Ran had taken him whole, it’s just that he must’ve gotten tighter upon orgasming or something.

Mo Ran is still cradling him in his arms. Chu Wanning’s nose and lips are pressed into his neck, his eyes closed before Mo Ran’s hair can get into them.

He feels so warm.

…Also, did Mo Ran just say that he loves him?

Almost, just almost, Chu Wanning starts freaking out again, because what? However, he then figures that there’s only two possibilities to this, so there’s no need for him to freak out.

The first possibility is that it was his own mind just making things up, but he doesn’t believe that, because he heard him whisper it into his mouth, felt it, because they’ve been kissing – god, they’ve been kissing, he cannot believe his stupid fucking luck. The second possibility is that it was Mo Ran saying it as a spur of the moment thing, which is much more likely.

Actually… there is the third possibility of Mo Ran meaning it. Of Mo Ran actually loving him back, less likely than the second, but…

Maybe, just maybe it’s not impossible? It probably isn’t the case, because Chu Wanning figures that he must’ve simply gotten horny seeing him get off, for whatever reason, considering Chu Wanning finds himself quite ugly. Mo Ran must have simply been desperate.

However, a voice in his mind is nagging him that this can’t be it, that he’s being mentally mean to Mo Ran, that he deserves better than to be thought about this way and that’d be right, but with Chu Wanning’s barely existent self-esteem, how could he just believe it?

How could he just believe one of the few wishes he has in life to have become true?

Either way, he’s too exhausted to think about this. Even after just the meltdown, he was tired enough, to the point that such thoughts truly shouldn’t have a place on his mind, and right now, after coming five times in a row because Mo Ran is some kind of sex god, or Chu Wanning was a very desperate virgin until about half an hour ago, or because of both these things, they seem way too complicated.

His brain is still feels fuzzy, he finds.

For now, it doesn’t matter whether what Mo Ran said was true or not, it only matters that he got to be loved by Mo Ran in one way or another, that it felt like he meant it, that he got to hear those words. It only matters that Mo Ran touched him in so many places, kissed him, had him come over and over and over again in ways that Chu Wanning had barely imagined to be possible, especially for someone like him.

“Wanning,” Mo Ran suddenly mumbles, “I’m gonna pull out, okay?”

Somehow, Chu Wanning wants nothing more than for Mo Ran to stay, but logically he knows that this isn’t the right thing to do right now. He’s tired. He feels like he’s very much about to fall asleep, and he’s still…

Gross.

Yeah. That’s the only word he can think of, really. He’s gross right now.

So, he gives a nod into Mo Ran’s neck, who then does pull out, and god, it’s uncomfortable.

It feels like whatever was left of this moment is getting wrecked, when Chu Wanning was craving this closeness more than he’d ever care to admit, so desperately holding onto him and-

Oh no.

All the things he said.

Actually, change of plan. Getting washed up and going to sleep? Ha! No, what Chu Wanning actually needs to do is find the next tall building and jump off its highest floor. Maybe the window from his office will do? What the fuck was he thinking, telling Mo Ran to fuck him? What was he thinking staring at his dick like it was some kind of unknown species of snake-

Okay, in his defense for that case specifically, it might as well have been, given its pure size and length and girth and all. Chu Wanning still isn’t sure he wasn’t hallucinating, but when he risks a small glance downward, he finds that even in a soft state, it’s still big.

Seemingly, Mo Ran catches him staring again, because he gives a small, soft snort.

“Was gonna ask whether you liked it, but I think you did.”

His tongue must still be loose, his mind still out of it, because Chu Wanning has no idea why he nods again.

He nods despite Mo Ran having called him a slut and having praised him and having called him ‘baby’ over and over again as if Chu Wanning isn’t twelve years his senior and his professor on top of that.

Fuck.

He’s actually gone and done it. He’s slept with his student whose grade he still hasn’t put onto the website, so whatever grade he now puts on there, it’ll be like bribery. He’d also be concerned about the fact that he’s slept with his best friend’s son, but Xue Zhengyong has long endorsed this, and also that’s the lesser of his problems stemming from sleeping with Mo Ran.

He’s lost his virginity to the only man he’s ever loved, too, tough, so even if he loses his job over this, he couldn’t even be mad, couldn’t even regret it.

“Stop thinking,” Mo Ran says, sitting up a little and grabbing one of the tissues from his bedside table, next to the chocolate Chu Wanning had taken a bite out of earlier. He dips it into water again like he did for Chu Wanning to clean his face, and takes his chin into his hand. “It’s all good. I… also really liked it.”

Oh.

Mo Ran liked sleeping with him.

“Ah… well, ‘liking’ is a horrible understatement, but when you look so embarrassed, I also get all embarrassed, so I don’t think I can bring myself to… well, well, either way, we’ve gotta get you washed up and into bed. You look tired, Wanning.”

Instead of starting to dab away to clean his face from the sheer amount of tears when Mo Ran had fucked him so well he started crying and sobbing (words cannot express right now just how much Chu Wanning really loathes himself for everything that has just happened, yet not at all at the very same time), he leans in and kisses his cheek.

And then his lips.

Isn’t that completely unnecessary? Now that it’s over and he’s gotten to bed him, isn’t that…

Chu Wanning’s heart lurches. What if Mo Ran was being honest, because honestly it feels as bit like everything would fall into place in that case, but…

No.

Not tonight.

He’s not going to think about this tonight. He’s going to let himself give in just for this one night – he can still worry tomorrow.

Mo Ran’s lips are horribly soft. Chu Wanning cannot express just how much he loves kissing Mo Ran, how much it makes him wish that they could continue doing this forever, just the two of them in this room with no other obligations than make sure their lips never disconnect. He knows that even if he can have this in the moment, he probably can’t have it forever. Hell, even if Mo Ran was being honest, he couldn’t have that – he has work to go to. Two different workplaces, on top of that.

So, Chu Wanning kisses back, but only weakly so, because Mo Ran was right. He is indeed tired. How could he not be after such a day?

Slowly, Mo Ran draws back from him, and then starts actually cleaning up his face a little. He’s so soft and gentle about it that it almost causes Chu Wanning to start crying for reasons that aren’t sex, but he swallows that back down again.

“Alright. The rest we better do in the bathroom. Come on, you’ve gotta go pee.”

Well that one makes Chu Wanning splutter.

“Excuse me?” he stutters, but Mo Ran only blinks at him.

“Like, peeing after sex?”

“…What?”

Is this some weird young people slang that Chu Wanning isn’t aware of? What the hell does Mo Ran mean?

“Like… peeing after sex. That’s like, basic knowledge, kind of. Like, genuinely, that’s important to avoid infections and all that stuff, so come on, let’s get you there.”

…Oh, okay, now that he’s thinking about it, that does make sense, and it also makes sense that Chu Wanning has never heard of it, because he hasn’t ever had sex.

Without even giving him the chance to do so on his own, Mo Ran helps him sit up. And hell, Chu Wanning is dizzy. It kind of feels like now that he’s sitting up, feeling is returning to his body, and he starts aching all over, kind of. It’s not a bad kind of ache at all, no. Instead, it’s a pleasant ache. He can feel the hickeys now, and the way Mo Ran was definitely a bit too big considering this was his first time. He feels the press of Mo Ran’s hands on his, and his thighs and everywhere else he’s ever touched, like he’s been marked and defiled forever.

That’s okay.

Chu Wanning doesn’t mind being defiled if it’s by Mo Ran.

He can scold himself for these thoughts later.

“You can get up yet?” he asks, his arm still wrapped around him, and indeed, the dizziness settles enough for Chu Wanning to think that he can do it. He gives a curt nod, and Mo Ran helps him up.

His legs are so much weaker than he thought. Almost immediately, his knees buckle below his weight, and Mo Ran catches him by his hips until Chu Wanning falls against him and it feels almost like he’s doing that on purpose – and right now, there’s nothing Chu Wanning can do about it, because he’s physically and emotionally exhausted, and they’re both well aware of it.

“This is unfair,” he grumbles into Mo Ran’s chest.

His response is a short laugh.

“Ah, well, we’ll just get you to the bathroom. I’ll go grab us some new clothes and stuff, and then we’re gonna have a very quick shower, because otherwise everything will stink, and I’ll also quickly switch out the sheets and all. Not sure the towels held out-“

“Don’t mention that,” Chu Wanning squeaks, hating the way his voice comes out, but also reveling in the fact that it only comes out as high yet deep at the same time because Mo Ran has fucked him until his voice became hoarse.