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Chapter Text

He was battered and bruised. His lip split and stinging from the antiseptic the nurse applied, and on the corners of his mouth, crusted dry blood had yet to be removed.

He could only open his left eye about halfway. He felt queasy and his stomach could still feel the kick he’d received.

He had no illusions. He was lucky to be alive. Had the authorities not been summoned just when they had been…

“Oh let me take care of that.”

The nurse with the salt and pepper hair and sympathetic smile gently wiped at the dry blood at his mouth.

“Are you cold? You want more blankets?”

He was not cold, but he wanted more blankets. Just then he wanted to be swaddled in a heap of blankets. He needed to be cozy.

“Please,” he whispered.

She gathered several blankets and scooshed them around him, tucking them in.

He offered her a smile or an attempt at one. His lips hurt to stretch that way. She’d given him pain pills and despite still being battered, bruised, and cut, the emergency room doctor had healed most of his injuries as best could be done.

He was left alone again and he closed his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart.

“Cadet Kirk.”

He opened his good eye and tried to open the left one. Standing before him was a tall, very handsome Vulcan. One he knew.

“What are you doing here?”

Spock, an instructor at Starfleet Academy, replied, “Your academic advisor was unavailable. As the highest-ranking instructor I was notified of your…assault.”

He looked as uncomfortable as Jim felt. Well, perhaps that was a bit of an exaggeration.

“I’m sorry they bothered you.”

Spock shook his head. “You certainly owe no apology. Since they were unable to reach a family member, they contacted us instead. You are…have you been treated by a physician?”

“Two or three, actually. It’s been an ordeal,” Jim admitted. “Just.” He stopped, shook his head. “I wasn’t asking for it.”

Spock’s eyes widened. “Of course you were not. If I implied—”

“No, you didn’t. I just feel the need to get that out of the way.”

“Your assailant and his cohorts have been arrested.”

“That’s good.”

Jim jumped a little when they both heard the loud sound of stomping boots approach.

“Jim! For fuck’s sake.”

He was suddenly enveloped in the biggest bear hug, held tight against his brother’s chest. Tears pricked his eyes.

Then his brother pulled back to eye Spock balefully.

“This isn’t the asshole is it?”

Jim almost laughed. “No. Would he show up at my hospital bedside? This is Spock. He teaches at the Academy.”

“George Samuel Kirk.”

“I wish we had been able to meet under different circumstances, Mr. Kirk. But since you have now arrived, I will excuse myself.”

“Actually, can you stay here with Jim a bit longer? I want a word with the medical team.”

“Of course.”

“Sam, don’t bite anyone’s head off,” Jim called after his brother, but Sam didn’t listen, of course, he was already stomping away.

“How are you feeling, Jim?” Spock asked then, his tone very gentle.

“Okay for the most part.” He sighed and clutched the blankets close again. “You know I have this reputation that’s just not true. I went there for a drink after classes like everyone else.”

“You don’t have to explain to me. I understand. They have made the decision to close the pub,” Spock told him. “I do not know if it is temporary or permanent.”

Jim nodded. He supposed maybe he should feel bad about them closing the on-campus drinking establishment but just then all he felt was relief. And maybe numb.

They both fell silent and honestly Jim couldn’t blame Spock. Vulcans weren’t known for their emotional comfort abilities. And what did you say to someone who had just been sexually assaulted? Jim didn’t know what to say himself.

Both of them were saved from more awkward weighted silence by the arrival once more of Jim’s brother.

“They’re going to release you to me,” Sam announced. He slapped his hand against Spock’s arm. “Thanks for staying with him, Professor. I’ve got this now.”

“Very well. Jim, if it is permissible, I will check in with you tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

“He’ll be with me,” Sam said. And he provided the contact information to Spock, who then departed the hospital room. “They’re just getting the paperwork together.”

Jim nodded. “What about my dorm room?”

“You aren’t going back there.”

“It didn’t happen at the dorm.”

“I know that. But I have a perfectly good apartment and you’re staying there with me. Not going back to that campus.”

“My classes—”

“We’ll worry about that in a day or two, Jim. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

Jim sighed. “Can I tell you what happened?”

Sam came closer and sat on the hospital bed next to Jim. “If you want to. I don’t want to pressure you.”

Jim nodded and though he willed the tears to go away, they starred spilling from his eyes to his cheeks instead.

“He didn’t…it wasn’t full rape or anything. He-he just pushed me against the wall and groped me, then rubbed against me. Then I fought back and that’s when he started beating me. Him and his friends.”

The muscle in Sam’s jaw had jumped as Jim told his brother what had happened. But his eyes, just like Jim’s, were gentle as he reached for and held Jim’s hand.

“I’m sorry those punks did that. And they will pay, Jim. I promise you, one way or another, they will pay.”

“What exactly does that mean?”

Sam smiled, leaned forward and kissed Jim’s forehead. “Don’t you worry about that. Let’s get you ready to go and on the way to my place, we’ll pick up any food you want.”

“Any food?”

“You bet. You want an entire restaurant of food, then that’s what you’ll get. It’s my turn to take care of you this time.”

Jim nodded, closed his eyes briefly, and prepared to leave the hospital, and hopefully his ordeal behind.  

Chapter Text

 “Do you want to take a shower?”

Jim was leaning against the wall in the front hall of his brother’s apartment. There was something meticulous and sterile about where Sam lived that struck Jim as odd. The brother he’d known as a kid had been a slob.

And it was likely weird he was even noticing shit like that at all.

He was hugging himself. He felt as though he needed a twenty-four-hour hug and he couldn’t rely on anyone else to give it to him. Sam had been great, but Jim knew his brother’s limitations as well as anyone.

They’d stopped for fast food hamburgers on the way to the apartment and had eaten them there. The meat sat in Jim’s stomach like a lump of coal.

Sam was watching him like he would shatter at any moment.

“It won’t…” But he ended it, letting the unspoken words hang there. He didn’t really know how to finish the sentence.

“Jim—”

“Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.”

He couldn’t imagine it would make him feel any less dirty. He wanted to burn the clothes he was wearing because they were the ones he wore as the guy who assaulted him came all over as he rubbed himself against Jim. Sam hadn’t thought to bring a change of clothes and Jim didn’t want to wait for him to get some before leaving the hospital. He had himself to blame for wearing them now. They made his skin crawl.

“This way,” Sam said, softly.

Jim followed him further into the apartment and down a short hallway to the bathroom.

Sam handed a towel to him. “When you’re done getting undressed, I’ll take those clothes to be cleaned.”

Jim shook his head. “Throw them away. I never want to see them again.”

“Okay.”

Jim closed himself in the bathroom and peeled his shame off his body. He impressed himself by not yet crying. He turned on the water in the shower.

“Clothes ready?” Sam called through the door.

“Yeah.”

Jim opened the door and shoved his shirt, pants, and underwear out at his brother. “Thanks,” he mumbled, and shut the door again.

Somehow his feet took him over to the shower and he slid the glass door to the side to enter. He had deliberately not looked at his battered, bruised body in the bathroom mirror on the way. Everything hurt.

He stood under the steaming hot water spray, he’d turned the temp up to almost scalding, and found it still didn’t seem nearly hot enough.

He must have been in there too long because Sam started calling his name over and over.

Then his brother was there, at the shower, holding the towel out for him, and telling him it was time to get out.

He was crying again and Sam held him.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

****

 Morning came eventually, though Jim hadn’t really gotten any sleep.

He was huddled under a blanket draped over his shoulders on Sam’s living room couch, clutching a mug of hot cocoa and marshmallows his brother had insisted on making him.

“I’m afraid I have to go out, Jim.”

“It’s okay.”

“Work stuff. I can’t get out of it.”

“It’s okay,” he repeated.

“I tried.”

“Sam, it’s fine. I’m not made of glass. Go and do your job.”

Which really Jim didn’t know exactly what Sam did. It was all secret hush-hush with Section 31. That much he was allowed to know.

“Well, it’s not like I’m going to leave you alone here by yourself or anything.”

Jim frowned. “No?”

“I tried to reach your friend. What’s his name? The doctor?”

“Bones. Leonard McCoy. He’s visiting his family. Sam, you didn’t bother him.”

Sam shrugged. “I couldn’t reach him. I guess he’s doing some kind of wilderness hike and is out of contact for a few days.”

“Bones?”

“So they said. With his daughter. Anyway, the point is, I couldn’t get him to come and stay with you when I’m not available, but I do have someone coming.”

“Who?”

“That professor guy. Spock.”

“You contacted Spock?”

“Actually he contacted me. He wanted to see how you were.”

Jim did remember Spock had said he’d wanted to check on Jim the next day, but he’d sort of figured it was just something to say as Spock was leaving, not with any real intent.

Jim blew out an uneven breath. “You didn’t ask him to come sit with me, did you? Sam, I’m sure he has better things to do with his time.”

“He volunteered when I mentioned I had to leave for a bit. He didn’t seem put out at all.” At the knock on the door, Sam said, “There he is.”

“Sam—”

But his brother was already headed to answer the door. And Jim found he was surprisingly glad Spock was going to be there. Even if he didn’t want to bother Spock or admit it out loud.

He heard murmured voices for a few minutes and then Sam returned with Spock, dressed in his instructor’s uniform.

“Good Morning, Jim,” Spock said softly.

“Hey. Um, sorry about this.”

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Sam was telling Spock. Then he turned to Jim. “I’ll make it fast.”

Jim nodded and Sam was gone. It didn’t even bother him that Sam looked vaguely relieved to be escaping.

“I’m sorry if I’m taking you away from courses or something.”

“Since we are currently on a semester break, I am only teaching one make up class this afternoon.” Spock moved to sit in a chair across from Jim. “I would ask you how you are feeling, but I am not sure that is the appropriate question.

Jim smiled faintly. “I think it’s a good start.”   

Chapter Text

Spock had no specific experience with those who had been sexually abused or assaulted. Up to this point, he had considered himself fortunate not to, either directly or through an acquaintance. And if Jim’s academic advisor had not been unavailable, he wouldn’t be sitting here in George Samuel Kirk’s apartment watching over an abused Cadet Kirk.

Spock was angry at those responsible for assaulting Jim and causing him even now to huddle into himself, a blanket covering most of his person, with those deep blue eyes haunted with pain, and Spock thought, shame.

Jim, of course, had nothing to be ashamed of, but Spock knew enough that wasn’t an uncommon reaction in these circumstances.

“Would you like some hot tea?” Spock asked. “I find it somewhat soothing.” He nodded towards Jim’s mug of cocoa. “Perhaps preferable to the sweetness?”

Jim nodded. “Not a bad idea. Sam still thinks of me as a kid, I think.”

Spock rose and took the mug from Jim after he held it forward for him to take. “It will only take a moment.”

Spock would have preferred to brew a real pot of tea but this was not his kitchen and he was unfamiliar with anything there. He ended up replicating orange spiced tea for both of them.

“Thanks,” Jim murmured, trying a weak smile that only made Spock’s heart hurt. “Normally I’m on campus in a dorm like most everyone else. I shared a double with my friend, Leonard McCoy. He’s visiting his family.” Jim looked down at the tea and blinked rapidly. “Sorry, I’m babbling.”

“You are not.”

Jim blew out a breath and his gaze rose to Spock’s face. “I’d rather be there but Sam can be pretty insistent.”

“He is protective of you.”

“Overprotective.”

Spock inclined his head. “Perhaps. But he feels this situation warrants it and I do not entirely disagree.”

“Are you someone’s older brother?”

“Negative. I have…a half-brother who is older than I am. He is estranged from the family.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It is beyond my control. I don’t know him well at all and in that way, I do have regrets. But this is not about me, but about you.”

Jim sipped his tea. “Maybe I’d rather talk about you than me.”

“We can talk about anything you wish to.”

Jim blew on the tea, then closed his eyes, making it easy to view the dark discoloration and puffiness of his left eye. “I hate what everyone thinks of me.”

“Everyone?”

Jim opened his eyes and took another swallow of tea. “Most everyone. Because I like sex, you know, with whoever I’d like to have sex with, a lot of those around me think it makes me a slut or something and that they have a right to do whatever they want because I’ll do anything. That’s not true.”

“I would never have presumed to think it was,” Spock said gently. “Those men who attacked you at the bar were in the wrong and they will be made to pay for their crimes.”

Jim nodded but did not respond.

“Does your left eye pain you still?”

“Not so much. The swelling has already gone down a lot.”

“Have you eaten anything?”

“A little food last night. My stomach’s still a bit queasy. Nerves I think. Can…do you want to know what happened?”

“Only if you want to tell me.”

“Part of me does and part of me doesn’t. He approached me at the bar asking me for sex and I said no. I got up, intending to leave.”

Spock’s own heart had started thudding fast. That this could happen to anyone at a bar on Academy property was both shocking and outrageous. But that it happened to Jim in particular cause Spock great distress.

“I was…I was in the corridor outside the bathrooms when he appeared and attacked me. He said…something about I didn’t get to say no to him since I let everyone fuck me…and that’s when pushed me against the wall and shoved his finger up me, through me pants and all.” Jim looked away. “It hurt like hell.”

Spock swallowed heavily. Opened his mouth to say he was sorry but didn’t get the chance.

“Then he took his dick out and started rubbing it all over my crotch while he continued pushing his finger at me. I was fighting him, trying to get away. Finally I got away enough to bring my knee up right into him. He got really pissed and started hammering on me. His friends came running and joined in. I’m pretty sure they were going to kill me.”

Though it hurt to agree with such a statement, Spock felt the truth of it. “I fear you are correct. They were horrible examples of men who will face punishment. They have been expelled from Starfleet as well.”

“Good. I’d hate to think they could ever do that to anyone else.” Jim smiled faintly. Almost a real smile. “Maybe we could talk about something else now.”

Spock nodded. “Of course. What shall we talk about?”

“Tell me about your favorite place on Vulcan?”

“Must I pick one? There are several.”

“Tell me.”

Chapter Text

“Jim? Jim? Where are you?”

Jim sighed at the edge of panic he heard in his brother’s voice as he slammed through each door of the apartment looking for Jim.

“Out here.”

He got it, he did. Sam was coming from a place familiar to himself and because of that, his thoughts went there first. But Jim was not Sam.

Sam appeared in the doorway then, leading out to the balcony where Jim had situated himself.

He was seated on a lounge chair there, blanket wrapped around him, glass of iced tea beside him.

“There you are.” Sam had made an effort to control his voice, which Jim appreciated. His brother stepped out onto the balcony, his gaze going to the railing, his relief evident when that same gaze returned to Jim. “I was afraid you…”

Sam didn’t finish.

Jim shook his head. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Well, whether I need to or not, I do.” Sam pulled up a patio chair next to Jim’s lounge and plopped down. “Nice out here. As long as the pigeons don’t show up to bother you.”

“I don’t mind so long as they don’t poop on me.”

Sam’s laugh was low. “Thought that Vulcan would be with you. Spock.”

“He had classes to teach. I don’t need a babysitter, Sam.”

“Maybe you don’t, but I’d feel better if you weren’t here alone. My work keeps me away a lot.”

Jim picked up his iced tea and took a swallow. “What exactly are you doing for them?”

“You know I can’t tell you that.”

He snorted and pulled the blanket closer around his shoulder. “I’m not.”

Sam glanced at him. “Not what?”

“Suicidal. That’s what you were thinking.”

Sam’s shoulders hunched. “There’s some family history there.”

There was. When Sam went through his ordeal…well…he still had scars on his wrists to remind him. And there was Aunt Rose. Uncle Lew. Was it genetic? Jim didn’t know. But for all his sadness and anger over his recent attack, no, he hadn’t thought of that for himself.

“I know and I get why you’re concerned,” Jim assured him. “But I’m okay. I’m not that fragile. It’s taking me some time to come to terms with what those guys did, but I will get through it.”

“You will,” Sam agreed. He licked his lips and looked away, out over the balcony. “I should tell you that I’m going to have to go away for an assignment for three, maybe four days.”

“When?”

“Supposed to leave in the morning. You sure you don’t want me to contact that doctor friend of yours?”

“Bones deserves this visit with his kid,” Jim replied. “He’ll be back soon enough without having to force him to come back early. I’ll be all right, Sam.”

“Maybe Spock can come by a time or two.”

Jim nodded. “Maybe. I’ll check with him. But either way, I’m going to be all right. You do what you  have to do.”

Sam sighed. “There’s something else.”

He frowned. “What’s that?”

“Your attacker. The main one.”

Jim sucked in a breath, his heart pounding hard suddenly. “He didn’t get released, did he?”

His brother shrugged. “In a manner of speaking.”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s dead. Found him that way in his cell.”

Jim blinked. “What? How?”

Sam wouldn’t look at him. “Hanged himself. That’s the official report.”

“Sam, you didn’t…this wasn’t 31’s doing?”

“I really don’t know what you mean,” Sam said, calmly. “All that matters is he’s gone, Jim. He won’t bother you or anyone again. If he killed himself, there’s certainly no loss to the universe.”

“I don’t believe in vigilante justice, Sam.”

Sam reached over and patted Jim’s leg and he smiled. “You’re a good kid. And someday you’re going to make an excellent Starfleet captain of a starship.”

Jim grimaced. “Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not. I truly believe it. Don’t mourn for scumbags like that.”

“And what about his cohorts? Will they end up hanging themselves too?”

“Who knows? But whatever happens to them, you won’t ever have to deal with them in any way. And that’s what I care about.” Sam gave him a serious look. He squeezed Jim’s leg and stood. “I’m going to make Chicken Cacciatore for dinner.”

His stomach growled. “Wow. I haven’t had that in forever.”

Sam grinned. “Sounds good, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jim acknowledged.

“I’ll get it started. You coming inside or staying out here for a bit longer?”

“I’ll be inside in about five minutes.”

“Okay.” Sam went inside.

Jim bowed his head. Sam was right. He shouldn’t mourn over someone like that, but he still didn’t like it. He believed in law, order, justice. Naïve maybe? But that’s what he stood for. What their father had stood for.

But leave it to Sam to think eliminating his attackers would solve everything.

It just wasn’t that easy.

With a sigh, Jim rose and went inside, ready to spend the evening with Sam before his brother went on his latest mission.  

Chapter Text

“Thanks for coming over and babysitting me.”

Spock glanced at Jim as they walked through Golden Gate Park. His current expression was unreadable. He didn’t look serene. Spock was fairly sure in their short acquaintance Jim had never looked calm. Even behind the rather blank expression Jim wore, Spock sensed…agitation.     

“I do not consider myself a babysitter,” Spock replied.

“No? What then?”

“I consider myself a friend.”

Jim smiled at that, nodding his acknowledgement. “That’s definitely better.”

“As your friend I would like to comment that you do not look well. Have you slept much, Jim?”

“Not really,” Jim admitted. “I’m having nightmares. Once they wake me up, I find it hard to get back to sleep.”

Spock kept his thoughts to himself for the moment, but when they returned to Sam’s apartment where Jim currently stayed, he intended to make a suggestion he hoped would be welcome.

“It’s nice to get outside, though. Walk around a bit. Someplace where the sun shines and nobody acts like it’s the end of the world.”

Spock considered that. “Do you feel that others treat you that way?”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I treat myself that way. I don’t know. But getting some fresh air is nice anyway.”

“Your brother mentioned to me that your direct attacker is no more,” Spock spoke softly. “He committed suicide.”

Jim snorted.

“You do not believe that?”

“It’s just…convenient.” Jim shook his head. “I’m not sorry he’s dead. But on the other hand I would have rather he faced justice. Sam works for Section 31. They’re shady. He could make something like that happen easily.”

“Perhaps they are responsible, perhaps he did end his own life. Whatever the case, I can’t regret that he is no longer an issue.”

Jim glanced at him, looking surprised. “That’s strange coming from a Vulcan, isn’t it? Peace and long life?”

“Not everyone is entitled to those sentiments. Logic dictates that justice should be served for those who do wrong.”

“Well, I can’t argue that. But I am not a vigilante. Or I don’t think I could ever be.”

Spock nodded. “You are inherently good.”

“I don’t know about that. Shall we head back? It’s getting pretty windy and I hate the wind.”

They turned and head back the way they’d come.

“Shall we stop for groceries? I have a recipe for a broccoli cheese soup you may enjoy.”

“In a cheese soup is probably the only way I’ll enjoy broccoli,” Jim joked. “But sure let’s do it.”

Hours later, Jim sat back touching his stomach.

“Okay, that was pretty good. How many bowls did I have?”

“Three but I did not count,” Spock replied with a curve of his lips. He was pleased when Jim laughed. It was a very good sound. “Shall we adjourn to the living room for a while? I will clean up later.”

“Sure.”

As soon as Jim got settled on the small sofa, Spock took up position beside him. He was ready to speak to Jim about his suggestion.

“May we discuss your nightmares?”

Jim seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then he gave a slight shrug. “Sure.”

“They are related to your assault?”

“Mostly. I had some fairly…problematic life occurrences when I was younger.” Jim told him. “I’m not sure he’d want me to tell you, but Sam got into some illegal substances when we were younger and he got into a lot of trouble with other stuff. At one time he was suicidal. He’s a lot better now, but it was hard for the family.”

“Of course.”

“We tried to make a new start of things after…well…Mom had this relationship with this real abusive asshole. She got a job as a biologist on…” Jim paused, closed his eyes. “Tarsus IV.”

The air felt like it had been sucked out of his lungs. Finally all Spock could say was, “Oh.”

Jim opened his eyes, looked at Spock. “So, I mean, I’m good over most of that now. We had a lot of therapy. But it creeps in to the nightmares sometimes too.”

“Do you know much about Vulcan telepathy and mind techniques?”

Jim frowned. “Only a little. I know you have telepathic bonds.”

“Indeed. But there are also melds that can be done between, well, you and me.”

“Melds?”

“There is a method wherein I can ease your nightmares. Help with the memories that cause them. There is a full method that would eliminate the memory altogether, but I am not suggesting that. The method I would use would allow you to maintain the memories but they would not…torture you to the point of causing you nightmares. The power they hold over your mind would be released.”

Jim looked thoughtful. “Is this meld painful?”

“Negative. I would not suggest it for you otherwise.”

“And not painful for you?”

Spock had never actually done it so he was not positive but he didn’t think it would be so he said, “Certainly not prohibitively so.”

“I’d be able to sleep without the nightmares?”

“Yes.”

“But the memories remain. How would I remember but find no pain behind them?”

“I believe it would be like you read it from a book. Like someone else’s memory. You would remember but the emotional part would be removed.” Spock hesitated. “If you do not wish to attempt it, I will not be offended. I would merely like to help.”

Jim was quiet for several moments, then he said, turning to Spock, his expression serious and determined, “I want to do it.”  

Chapter Text

After he’d agreed to wipe out the emotion behind the memories of Tarsus and his recent assault, Jim wondered if such a choice had been wise.

Circumstances that everyone went through in life shaped the person they became.  And yet, if he could sleep most nights through without the terror of nightmares, perhaps all else would be worth it.

He wished he could ask his friend Leonard McCoy his opinion. But Bones was in Georgia visiting family and Jim would not bother him there. He was on his own for this.

Somehow looking into Spock’s dark eyes, he trusted him.

They decided to do the meld with Jim lying on the bed in case the experience tired him. Spock, while aware of the method and how to do it, had doubts about the aftermath of the meld for both of them.

“You can change your mind any time should you wish to do so,” Spock explained. “I will take no offense.”

Jim, lying on his back in loose fitting pajama pants and a t-shirt, stared up at the ceiling. He shook his head. “Not changing my mind.”

“Very well.”

Something in Spock’s voice had Jim looking at him. A sort of shakiness. He frowned.

“I thought you said it wouldn’t hurt.”

“It will not,” Spock replied. “You might feel a slight…pressure but not pain.”

“Then why are you so nervous?”

Spock sighed and sat on the bed beside Jim. “What if I am wrong? It has never caused pain to anyone that I have ever heard of, but if I am wrong and it causes you pain or harm I will not forgive myself.”

“I’m not so delicate, Spock. I can handle some…discomfort.”

“You have already been through so much I do not want you to have to experience more.”

Jim stared at him for a moment, considering. “Is this about me feeling a bit of discomfort or more about you doubting your own abilities as a Vulcan?”

Spock blinked, clearly surprised by Jim’s suggestion.

“You’re half-Human. There’s been times it’s been suggested that makes you somehow less, right?”

Spock nodded.

“You aren’t, okay?” Jim reached for Spock’s hand and after Spock’s surprised hesitation he placed his hand in Jim’s. “Whatever any of them might have said about you? Fuck ‘em. They’re just stupid and jealous.”

“Jim—”

“Spock,” he said gently. “You can do this and I’ll be all right.”

Spock exhaled, squeezed Jim’s hand and then scooted up on the bed until he could reach Jim’s face easily. This time the hesitation was mere seconds and then his hand spread out over Jim’s face, fingertips pressing slightly into Jim’s skin, but not painfully.

 “Close your eyes, Jim,” Spock whispered.

And Jim did just that.

He felt no pain, nothing really. He thought he heard Spock say, “Forget” but he wasn’t even certain he heard that or imagined it in his head.

He seemed to float on a cloud, a sense of deep serenity overtaking him, and though he wouldn’t have described it as being drained of energy he thought he might have dozed off.

At one point, he turned his head on the cloud to see Spock lying next to him, facing him, dark eyes beautiful and luminous.

Then he drifted off again. He did not know how long.

“Jim?”

His eyes fluttered open, and his lips curved into a smile.

Spock stood over him, cradling a cup in his hands.

“Spock? How long was I out?”

“Two hours.”

“Wow.”

“I brought you some herb tea.” Spock set the tea on the table beside him. “Let me help you sit up.”

Jim felt a little groggy still but not unpleasantly so. And there was a warmth in his mind that felt like a mental hug.

He took the tea from Spock when he was sitting up. “Are you okay?”

“Very much so,” Spock replied. “And you?”

Jim sipped the hot beverage and assessed himself. “Good. Peaceful. I can remember what happened but…it doesn’t bother me in the same way. That’s kind of weird.”

“Indeed.”

“But…”

Spock tilted his head. “Yes?”

“You seem to be lingering.”

“Lingering? I do not understand.”

Jim laughed, took another sip. “I don’t either. But I feel you still in my head. Like an embrace.”

Spock went a little pale and blinked.

“What’s wrong?”

The Vulcan shook his head. “Nothing. I am…there is merely something I must research later. You are sure you are feeling well?”

“Yeah, really good.” Jim’s smile widened. “I can’t explain it. It just feels really nice in here right now.” He laughed again, feeling self-conscious. “You’re not going to leave are you?”

“You want me to stay?”

“Please.”

Spock nodded. “I will then. I will be back with my own tea in a moment.”

“Great. Thanks, Spock. For everything.”

“You are welcome, Jim.”

Chapter Text

There was something…off about Spock, Jim decided.

The Vulcan looked a little like he was shell-shocked and trying to hide it.

Jim couldn’t quite figure it out.

They were sitting in the living room of Sam’s apartment, enjoying hot tea in front of the windows overlooking the city. The meld he had done for Jim had worked. He felt good, really good.

Probably better than he ought to under the circumstances. Not only did the assault he’d endured seem to fade from his conscious, but he also felt warm, cozy, like he was being given a mental hug. There was no other way to explain it, really, if that was an explanation at all.

Jim thought Spock would have been thrilled, well, in a subdued sort of Vulcan way, but he definitely seemed…agitated? Jim wasn’t sure if that was quite right either.

“You said it wouldn’t hurt me,” Jim said, gazing over the top of his teacup, “but did it hurt you?”

“Negative.”

The response was almost too quick. Jim narrowed his eyes but Spock was gazing placidly back at him.       

“If you are experiencing discomfort,” Spock began.

“I’m not. I told you. It feels…really nice. In fact…”

They’d been sitting separately. Spock on the couch and Jim in an easy chair. But it felt suddenly like he was miles away from Spock and Jim found he didn’t like that. So he got up and went to the couch, sitting beside Spock.

“That’s better,” Jim declared with a smile.

“Were you having difficulty where you were sitting?’

Jim shrugged. “It didn’t’ feel right. I can’t explain it.”

Which shouldn’t have caused Spock to look even more uncomfortable and yet it did. Whatever the reason, Jim didn’t like it, and he decided to do something about it.

He scooted closer to Spock, put his hand on Spock’s face and leaned into kiss him.

Jim knew instantly he’d made a mistake. Not only did Spock not kiss back but he recoiled. Stunned, Jim pulled away quickly, nearly falling off the couch in his haste to put distance between them.

“I—”

But Spock shook his head and stood. “I do not expect you to show your gratitude physically.”

Jim blinked.

“It is not necessary. I was quite glad to allay your suffering. Physical affection as thanks is not only not required but not desired.”

And that was about as blunt as it got, Jim thought. He hadn’t been intending the kiss to show any sort of thanks to Spock, but clearly either way it wouldn’t have mattered. He’d gotten everything so wrong.

Somehow he’d thought Spock shared his interest, he could almost feel it, but no. Not at all.

“Okay,” Jim said, softly. “I’m sorry.”

“You owe no apology.”

Jim wasn’t sure what he should say to that, because clearly he did. He’s miscalculated badly. So he didn’t say anything, just rose from the couch, and took his mostly empty teacup to the kitchen.

Spock followed him there.

“I meant no offense,” Spock said. He set his cup on the counter next to Jim’s.

“I’m not offended, Spock. It’s okay. I get it.”

Maybe he was a little offended. Jim wasn’t used to being outright rejected like that. Not by someone he really liked. He wasn’t used to getting it so wrong too. It was humbling to find out that Spock helped him only because he was kind. Which there was nothing wrong with that, of course.

“Jim—”

Jim forced a smile. “No, really. I’m not. It’s cool. Don’t worry about it, Spock. In fact, it’s fine to go, if you’d like.”

“I thought you wished for me to stay.”

Of course, Jim had, when he thought Spock was mutually interested in him.

“You said you had something to research. I wouldn’t want to keep you. And honestly, I’m feeling a lot better. A lot. Whatever you did helped my tremendously and I really appreciate it. That you’d help me, a cadet you barely know, well, I can’t find the words to express it. All because my academic advisor wasn’t available right after I got attacked. Thank you, Spock.”

Jim could tell his quickly rushed speech surprised Spock. He wasn’t even sure why.

“And I know my brother asked you to keep an eye on me but given the perpetrators are no longer threats and I’m feeling much better about everything, you really don’t have to.”

“You are trying to get rid of me? You say you were not offended but…”

“I’m not. I swear.” Jim had his fingers crossed like he was twelve years old, but whatever. “I feel like I’ve bothered you long enough, that’s all.”

“You have not been a bother, Jim.”

Jim smiled. “Even still. I’m sure you have lots to do. Torture cadets, I’m kidding, that research you mentioned, your own life. You’ve been spending a lot of time with me. It’s been great. I appreciate it. But it’s okay to leave me alone. I promise.”

For several seemingly long minutes Spock merely stared at him, but then he nodded. “Very well. There is something I need to find out about. If you no longer want my company, I will take my leave.”

“That’s not it,” Jim insisted. “I like having you here.”

Spock didn’t look like he believed Jim but neither did he argue about it. He turned to leave and Jim followed him to Sam’s apartment door.

“May I check on you later?”

“Of course. Any time. We can even meet for tea or lunch or something. Just let me know.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. Goodbye, Jim.”

“Goodbye.”

And then Spock was gone.

Jim sank to the floor and leaned against the door, burying his head in his hands. Though he didn’t feel the overwhelming fear and anxiety from his assault, both his head and his heart hurt. The warm cozy mental hug he’d been feeling only moments ago was gone and there was just coldness.  

Chapter Text

The minute Jim opened the door to Sam’s apartment, he exclaimed, “Bones!” and threw himself into Bones’ arms.

“Hey now,” Bones said, gently, embracing him. “I missed you too.”

Feeling maybe a little foolish, Jim released his friend and gave him a crooked smile. “You must have made it in record time.” He closed and locked the apartment door, even sliding the deadbolt across, which Bones’ gaze noticed, of course.

“Damn straight I came right here. What the hell? You aren’t at the dorm. You’re here at your brother’s, who isn’t here.”

“Sam insisted. I didn’t want to stay here.”

Jim led Bones out of the hallway and into the living room. 

“So he didn’t want you to stay alone but then he left?” Bones huffed as he took a seat. “How long has he been gone?”

“A few days. Section 31 stuff. Hush hush.”

“You should have called me, Jim. Right away. As soon as it happened.”

Because yes, Bones now knew everything. All of it.

Except about Spock. He didn’t know that.

“You were visiting family, Bones. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You were assaulted, Jim. That’s not bothering me. For future reference anytime you’re sick or injured or emotionally wrecked you contact me.”

Jim sighed and nodded. “Okay. But I can take care of myself.” At Bones’s wide eyes, he sighed again. “Being attacked by more than one at a time could be difficult for anyone.”

“I suppose. But that’s not happening again, Jim. Next time you take a wingman or something.”

“I will. But in all honesty, I’m in no hurry to go back to that place or any other.”

“They caught them, right?”

“Mm. At least one of them’s dead in mysterious circumstances.”

Bones frowned. “Killed himself, didn’t he?”

He shrugged. “That’s the story anyway. With Sam’s involvement I never can say. The others are being dealt with or so I’m told, and I’ll never have to deal with them ever again.” Jim paused and looked down at his own clenched hands. “If Sam or Section 31 was involved with his death I don’t thank them. I don’t believe in vigilantism, Bones. And yeah, they attacked me but I don’t think what happened warranted a death sentence. That’s not what I wanted.”

“I’m not sure I entirely agree,” Bones admitted. “But I get where you’re coming from. But if your brother didn’t want you to be alone then why the hell did he disappear?”

“At first I really wasn’t alone. That’s a more recent development. Spock was here until a short time ago,” Jim revealed carefully.

“Who the devil is Spock?’

“Vulcan. You know, from the Academy.”

“That instructor with the stick up his ass?”

“Bones.”

“Him?”

“Yeah.”

Bones leaned forward in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Help me understand how he got involved.”

“Because the assault happened at a bar on campus my academic advisor was contacted. Only he wasn’t available, and Spock was his backup. So he came to the hospital. He’s been great, Bones. Really. And Sam probably relied on him to watch over me more than he should, but Spock also said he didn’t mind, so Sam felt okay to go do whatever it is he does.”  He let out a long breath. “I’m ready to go back to the dorm though with you.”

“But Spock was here until recently? Staying with you?”

“Only the last night. Um. We sort of…”

“Wait. Tell me he didn’t take advantage of you.”

That made Jim laugh though it wasn’t funny. “No, of course not. Geez, Bones.”

“So he slept in another room? On the couch?”

“No with me. But platonically.”

“Platonically.”

“Yes. Look.” Jim shook his head. “There’s no way around this and I think you’ll find out anyway so I may as well tell you. He melded with me. He offered me this-this thing that would help me forget a lot of the trauma with the assault and—”

“Wait. He did what? He fucked with your mind?”

“No. It wasn’t like that. It was…I don’t know. It’s going to sound corny, but it was beautiful. I’ve never felt so close and so connected to anyone. And it worked. The memories of what happened became really fuzzy and they don’t bother me as much.”

“Fuzzy?” Bones’ face was red. “You might have to testify against these guys and he made your memories fuzzy?”

“I won’t, they already said I didn’t have to.”

“Jim—”

“Stop it! Stop it” Jim stood and started pacing. “Don’t yell at me, I don’t need that. I don’t need you to mother me, I need you to be my friend.”

Bones visibly deflated. “I am your friend. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just concerned.”

“I know, Bones. I know. But I’m telling you, he didn’t hurt me. If anything, I think it hurt him.”

“What do you mean?”

“He just got all weird and the whole nature of our-our friendship changed and he pretty much bolted out of here.”

Bones sighed. “I’ve heard Vulcans aren’t like us. Peculiar.”

Jim smiled a little. “I don’t know about that. But whatever the case, I promise, what he did didn’t hurt me and it made me feel better. I haven’t been brainwashed or anything.”

“Promise?”

“Yes. Can you help me move back to the dorm with you? I don’t know when Sam’s returning and I don’t want to stay alone.”

Bones rose and squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “As if I’d let you. Come on, Let’s get your things. You hungry?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll grab hamburgers or something on the way.”

Jim smiled and hugged his friend again briefly. “I’m really glad you’re back.”

“Me too, kid.”

“How was Georgia?”

“Well.” Bones shrugged. “You know.”

“Yeah,” Jim said, sadly. “I do.”

Chapter Text

They were approaching their dorm room door carrying bags of hamburgers when a big muscular boy suddenly appeared and forced his way in with Jim and Bones.

“Hey!” Jim protested.

“Sorry kid,” the man said, glancing at Bones with suspicion. “Section 31. I work with your brother.”

“Sam?”

Muscles nodded. “I’ve been watching his apartment and saw you on the move.”

“Wait. Watching the apartment?” Jim demanded.

“Listen here,” Bones began to say.  

Muscles did this little maneuver with his foot where he snagged the computer chair, pulled it over, and pushed Bones down into it.

“As I was saying. Orders from Sam while he’s away. We thought you’d stay there but since you aren’t, I’ve got to inspect this place to confirm it’s secure.”

“Uh.”

Bones opened his mouth again but the guy turned to him.

“Leonard McCoy, Atlanta Georgia, born 2227, father David McCoy, divorced, one child—”

“I know all about me,” Bones snapped. “You’ve got some nerve bursting in here like some thug after what he’s been through. Have you no humanity?”

“Sorry, but I have my orders and I have to make sure Jim’s safe. It’ll just take a moment to take a look at the dorm room and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Jim sighed and waved him on. “Go ahead.”

“Jim—”

“Bones, it’s fine. Don’t you want to get rid of He-Man?”

“Maybe,” Bones grumbled. “But I don’t like his tactics.”

“Trust me, I’ll have something to say to Sam.” Jim crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall as he watched the guy do his inspection. And yeah, he sure as hell was annoyed at Sam. Jim was no wimp and he hated being treated like he was.

After ten minutes the muscled guy returned.  “All right, all clear.”

“Thanks. And no more watching us, okay?”

“My orders—”

“Fuck your orders. You tell Sam if he has any issues, he talks to me.”

Muscles just shrugged and left.

Bones opened the bag. “Great our burgers are cold now. I hate guys like  that.”

“He’s just doing what he’s told. Same as we would if we got orders.” Jim grabbed the bag and took his burger out and handed the other to Bones. “You want me to heat it up?”

“No. But grab two beers out of the fridge, will you?”

Jim went into the small kitchen area and grabbed two bottles of beers and joined Bones at the dinette set where Bones had moved.

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Jim asked, handing a beer to Bones.

“No. Just ruffled my feathers. And I meant what I said. Manhandling us like that when you’d just been through an assault. Makes no sense.”

“That’s just the way those guys operate.” Jim shakes his head. “Sam’s the same way.”

“I don’t have to like it.”

Jim smiled. “You definitely don’t.” He took a sip of his beer and glanced around. “Though this place is smaller than Sam’s apartment I’m glad to be back here. I didn’t think I would be. When it first happened I wanted to hide.”

“I really wish you’d contacted me.”

“There wasn’t anything you could do.”

“Except support you.” Bones sighed. “What’s really between you and Spock. Besides the mind voodoo he did to help your trauma.”

“Nothing, Bones, honestly. We’re friendly. I told you, he got stuck dealing with my assault when my regular Academy advisor was unavailable. Sam bossed him around like he bosses everyone and insisted Spock had to watch over me while he was gone.”

“I wouldn’t think Vulcans get bossed around easily.”

Jim nodded his agreement. “I’m sure. But Spock’s kind and I think he felt sorry for me, so he went along with it. Because we spent some time together, we became friendly.”

Bones considered this, taking several bites of burger, chewing and swallowing before responding. “Just friendly. Not friends?”

“I don’t know. I thought we were. But to be honest, Bones, I maybe blew it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I…liked him. A lot.” Jim glanced away, feeling a bit embarrassed and also pretty sad about it. “I read more into his being nice to me then there really was. I felt really good after he did his mind meld with me and I guess I misinterpreted things and I kissed him.”

“And?”

“He most definitely was not interested. He backed off from the kiss fast and assured me he wasn’t expecting me to show my gratitude that way or some such thing.”

“You mean he was implying you were trying to pay him with sex or something?”

Jim shrugged. “I guess. That wasn’t it at all. I like him, like I said. But clearly he doesn’t share my interest. So yeah, nothing between us.”

“Hmm. Well, not sure that isn’t for the best, Jim. I don’t know much about Vulcans but I don’t think they’re very warm and fuzzy and I do know Professor Spock is among the most unfuzziest.”

Jim laughed. “Is that even a real word?”

Bones smiled. “Maybe.”

“Anyway, like I said, he was really kind to me and helped me when he didn’t have to, and I’m really glad for that. And even though I probably won’t even see him again, except maybe from a distance at the Academy, I’m still grateful for his help.”

“Okay. And that’s it?”

“Totally it. I’m ready to move on.”

There was a knock at the door and Bones scooted his chair back. “I sure hope that’s not He-Man again. I’m spoiling for a fight.”

“Just don’t forget you’ve got doctor’s hands.”

Bones snorted, stomped to the door, and fling it open.

“Oh. It’s you. Jim, it’s for you.”

Chapter Text

“For me?” Jim frowned as he moved toward the dorm room door.

Bones stood to the side, holding the door open, looking vaguely disgruntled. Which was fairly normal for Bones, honestly.

And at first Jim thought “He-Man” had returned and he was ready to stand his ground and insist he get lost. But standing in the doorway was a tall, slim Vulcan.

“Spock?”

“Hello, Jim.”

Jim glanced at Bones, then back to Spock. “Come in.”

Spock stepped inside.

“Bones, can you, uh,…”

Bones rolled his eyes but reached for his windbreaker. “I’ll go and get some coffee. Or chips. Or donuts. Something.”

Jim closed the door after Bones, then turned back to Spock.

“I’m surprised to see you,” he admitted.

“Are you?”

“Last time we saw each other, I didn’t think it likely I’d see you again.’ Jim sighed a little. Gestured to the small couch he and Bones had in their dorm room. “Want to sit?”

Spock moved to the couch and sat, so Jim did the same thing. It sort of squished them together but Jim didn’t think there was anyway around it.

Then he thought he should be offering Spock something.

“Did you want something to drink?”

“I appreciate the offer, but no.” Spock seemed to hesitate, then he said, “When last I saw you at your brother’s apartment, I did ask if I could check on your welfare.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. And I said we could meet for tea or lunch.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “Yet you said you didn’t think you’d see me again.”

“I thought…to be honest I just thought those were ordinary pleasantries, you know? Not actually sincere expressions of seeing each other again. I got the impression you wanted to leave, so I let you. Like I said at the time, you’d been keeping track of me for a while thanks to Sam’s imposition of your time.”

“It was no imposition.”

“Well.” Jim forced a smile. “Were you able to do your research?”

“Not as thoroughly as I would like. I wanted to consult my father, but at present, he is not available to advise me.”

“That’s a bummer.”

Spock looked surprised by his remark, but then he nodded. “Indeed. May I make an inquiry?”

“You can ask me anything.”

“I noticed a rather…interesting individual leaving your dorm room just before my approach. Was he a friend of yours?”

Jim laughed, which cause Spock’s eyes to widen. “No, no. No friend. He was…Sam’s a bit obsessively overprotective of me. We’ve both had some challenges in the past. Anyway, because he was going to be away I guess he asked that dude to watch me.”

“But he asked me to watch over you.”

“Apparently, just you wasn’t enough. Like I said, he’s kind of obsessive. When Bones came home from his trip and I decided to leave Sam’s apartment to return here, I guess that guy followed us here, per Sam’s orders or whatever. He was here looking for bugs or spies or Klingons. Who knows. I sent him away and I hope he never comes back.”

“I was derelict in my duty and should not have abandoned you.”

Jim shook his head. “You didn’t. And it wasn’t your duty to care for me, no matter how much Sam might have made you believe it.”

Spock said nothing to that but pursed his lips. “I went to your brother’s apartment, and when you were no longer there I surmised you came here.”

“Now that Bones is back and those guys that assaulted me have been apprehended or…worse…I saw no reason to continue to stay at Sam’s.” Jim grimaced. “He still thinks of me as his weakling kid brother.”

“Then he underestimates you,” Spock said softly. “I apologize for my recent behavior, Jim. It was not a reflection on anything you did.”

Jim considered this, wasn’t sure he agreed, but nodded. “Okay. Apology accepted.”

“You appear to be doing well. You are close with Leonard McCoy?”

“He’s my best friend,” Jim told him.

“Nothing more than that?”

Jim blinked. “Uh, no. Why?”

“Just…if you will permit me, I would also like to be your friend.”

“Of course, sure.”

Spock nodded. And then to Jim’s surprise, he stood. “I would like to have dinner with you tomorrow if you’re available.”

Jim walked with him to the door. “I am, yeah. Where shall I meet you?”

“I will pick you up here at seven.”

“Are you sure? I can meet you anywhere you want.”

“I am certain. I will be here at seven tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

A short time after Spock left, Bones returned carrying a pink pie box.

“I come bearing gifts. A banana cream pie.”

“Oh my God. I love you.” Jim snatched the box out of his friend’s hands.

“What did Professor Hobgoblin want?’

“Bones, stop. He wants to be friends.” Jim shrugged. “We’re having dinner tomorrow night.”

Bones stared. “So now you’re dating him?”

Jim laughed. “No. I told you, friends. He’s picking me up at seven.”

“You’re totally dating. That’s a date, Jim.”

“No, really.”

Bones smirked and took out too plates and a pie server. “If he brings you flowers, it’s a date.”

“He’s not bringing me flowers! Give me a break. It’s two friends having dinner.”

“Uh-huh. We’ll see.”

Jim shoved a piece of pie at him. “Shut up and eat.”  

Chapter Text

Spock found himself unsure how to broach the subject he needed to with Jim. He found himself somewhat regretful that he was not particularly close with any other Vulcans he could obtain advice from. There was his father, such as their relationship was, and no other. He knew many Vulcans but none he could consider a friend or even familiar enough to ask personal advice.

He had briefly considered speaking with his mother about it, but he doubted she would be familiar enough with what he suspected might be his connection to Jim and she would bring far too much emotion into it. He wanted logical discussion, rather than a mother anxious to learn about a new relationship her son had.

And so when he had picked Jim up for dinner, Spock had spoken to no one who could provide good, logical advice.

Now Jim sat across from Spock in a dimly lit restaurant he had chosen for its variety of both vegetarian and non-vegetarian options. Unfortunately because of the lack of strong illumination, Spock was unable to read Jim’s expression as clearly as he might like.

Spock had ordered a pasta dish with various grilled vegetables in a sauce made with tofu and Jim had ordered a macadamia crusted fish. They’d both opted to stick with iced water to drink.

“This is a nice place,” Jim commented as their waiter moved away. “Do you come here a lot?

“This is the first time,” Spock admitted.

“Oh.”

“I wanted to choose a nice place we would both be comfortable in and after research this seemed the best choice.”

Jim nodded, picked up his glass of water, and took a sip. “You know Bones suggested and it seems like maybe he might be right, that this is a date.”

Spock exhaled a slow breath. “That was my intention.”

“Was it?”

“You seem surprised.”

Jim shrugged. “Sort of. That last day at Sam’s apartment you made it pretty clear you weren’t interested in me like that. Or I thought you did.”

“I know you misinterpreted my actions that day.”

“Did I?”

“Yes,” Spock replied. “And I would like a chance to explain.”

“I’m listening.”

The waiter appeared at that moment with their starter salads. And for a moment they both dug into their salads without further discussion.

“I didn’t realize how hungry I was,” Jim said after a moment.

“I suggest deferring further discussion along these lines until we have eaten.”

Jim seemed to consider that. “Okay. That’s fine with me. What should we talk about then?”

Spock tilted his head. “How are you finding your courses?’

Jim smile then. “Great. Though admittedly I can’t wait to get some real action on a starship.”

And for the rest of their date, Spock was able to avoid a more personal pointed line of questioning. He knew it was only temporary.

***

When they returned to Jim’s dorm, Spock was relieved to find that Leonard McCoy had still made himself scarce and he would have Jim alone for the personal discussion he intended to have.

Spock gestured to the small couch. “May we sit, Jim?”

“Sure. Want anything to drink?”

“Not at present.” Spock took a seat and waited for Jim to sit directly beside him.

“Okay, want to tell me why you rejected me?”

“I did not reject you,” Spock insisted. “Or at least that was not my intention.”

Jim frowned. “Honestly, it felt like a rejection, Spock. I thought…after the time we’d spent together and you helping me with what happened during my assault, I thought we had really connected.”

“And that is exactly it.’ Spock lowered his gaze. “I became confused by what we were both experiencing and I wished to…to figure it out.”

“Figure it out? Couldn’t we do that together.”

“I acknowledge that possibility but for me, Jim, it was far from an ordinary connection.”

“I’m not sure I would have labeled it ordinary either.”

Spock sighed. “I am bad at explaining.”

“Won’t argue with you there. Spock, are you…are you attracted to me or not? Are you interested in me?”

“Yes to both. More than I can say.”

“Then I totally don’t get it. When I kissed you, you ran like it was the last thing you wanted in the world. You implied I was kissing you out of gratitude for you helping me. Which was so much bullshit.”

“I am sorry.”

Jim looked away for a moment and then when he looked back at Spock his gaze was intense and the blue color mesmerizing.

“May I have your hand?” Spock asked, softly. He feared Jim would not cooperate but then Jim reached his hand out toward Spock.

Spock grasped it, placing their hands palm to palm. Almost instantly he felt heat infuse them, starting at the center of their palms and slowly spreading through their hands and to the tips of their fingers. It was not fire but warmth and just the hint of a tingle.

“What is that? Something Vulcans can do?”

“Not exactly. Jim, that is the connection I speak of. We feel that because…we are T’hy’la.”

“T’hy’la?”

“It is an ancient thing, not seen in over a hundred years to my knowledge, perhaps longer, dating back to pre-Surak days. A…a warrior bond. Friend, brother, lover.”

“We’re not warriors.”

“No, I know. However, when I melded with you at your brother’s apartment, our minds…they connected.”

Jim blinked. “Connected? What does that mean, Spock?”

“I accidentally bonded us.”      

Chapter Text

“That shouldn’t be possible, right?”

Spock swallowed heavily. He’d been nervous about this conversation and no matter how many times he tried to convince himself that it was illogical to feel anxiety over a conversation, it did no good.

Jim’s expression was confused but open, which was at least somewhat of a relief. Open hostility might not be something he could deal with from his T’hy’la.

“I have no experience to say whether it should or should not be possible, I just know that it is.”

“My understanding of Vulcan bonds is rudimentary. But I thought it involved a priestess and some sort of ceremony.”

Spock nodded. “Ordinary Vulcan bonds, yes.”

Jim laughed a little. “You keep using that term ordinary. You have to know to Humans there’s nothing ordinary about some kind of mental bond.”

“Indeed. But I mean for Vulcans, that is the usual way. A preliminary bond is placed between two chosen bondmates when they are young. It is not until our…time…that the bond reaches completion.”

“Time?”

Spock knew he was blushing. “We don’t speak of it. Even to each other. Let alone non-Vulcans.”

Jim pursed his lips. “Yet if we are these…this…bondmate thing…wouldn’t I need to know?”

“Yes. Assuming it applies to me. I am not entirely Vulcan so it is possible I would not experience…Pon Far. It is a time of extreme sexual activity. The need to mate becomes overwhelming. Thus, completing the bond by the end of the mating period.”

Jim raised both eyebrows. “Um, sounds interesting.”

“Our bond, as near as I can explain, does not require this event to complete it. I believe our bond is fully realized.”

Jim stared at him. “So I have this bond, and I don’t even get the extreme sex part of it?”

“I—”

“I’m kidding, Spock.” Jim shook his head. “I don’t…I don’t even know…I mean I want sex with you. I do. I’m just…”

“A little apprehensive after your assault.”

“Yeah,” Jim said softly.

“There is no rush, Jim. I would never force anything upon you and we will only ever do what you are comfortable with. When you are ready.”

“What does all this bond stuff mean? I don’t really feel anything in my head. I think I did at the time you were melding with me, but not anymore. I do feel really drawn to you though.”

“You are psi-null so that would explain why you don’t recognize my presence there while I am shielding from you. If I were to unshield I believe you would be more aware. As it is, our connection manifests itself now in our desire to be together to the exclusion of others.”

“You do have a convoluted way of speaking. I don’t know what to think, Spock. I’ll be honest. I need time to process this. I feel a lot for you but…I don’t know.”

“I assumed you would.”

“Mates, right? So that’s more than boyfriends.”

Spock hesitated, but then admitted, “Yes.”

“How much more? Like mated animals?”

Spock was taken aback. “I would not call us animals. More like…you are my husband.”

“Husband,” Jim repeated softly. “This has been a crazy few days.”

“I cannot disagree.”

“Do you want to be my husband, Spock?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm. It’s all pretty fast for me. But maybe we can at least try that kiss again.”

“I am willing.”

Jim laughed. “That’s certainly encouraging.”

Spock opened his mouth to explain himself but his words were cut off when Jim’s lips found his. Jim kissed him and he kissed him back for several minutes before Jim pulled slightly away.

“Finally made you speechless.”

Spock drew him back and kissed him some more.

Chapter Text

“So…wait. You’re Spock’s husband?” Bones demanded incredulously.

Jim winced at his friend’s loud voice. They were seated in the Academy’s cafeteria having what passed for breakfast for each of them.

 He had a cinnamon roll and coffee while Bones had eggs, potatoes, and toast. Bones no longer gave him a lecture about what he put in his body but he still gave Jim the side-eye.

“Can you not shout my relationship status across the whole cafeteria?’

Bones glared and stabbed at his eggs. “Fine. But what the actual hell, Jim? If you’re married, how come I wasn’t invited to the ceremony?”

“There was no ceremony, Bones. It’s not that kind of…we just didn’t have one. Not yet anyway.”

“Are you sure it even happened? We only have Spock’s word.”

Jim sighed. “Vulcans don’t lie.”

“They can’t lie?” Bones scoffed. “Says who?”

“They do, I think.”

“I don’t think they’ll self-destruct if an untruth is said,” Bones grumbles.

Jim smiled. “Probably not. And anyway I didn’t say they can’t , I said they don’t. They choose not to I think. Honesty is the best policy and all that crap.”

“Crap is right. You know what honesty gets you, Jim?”

“Divorced.”

“That’s right.” Bones chuckled. “But enough about me. I just think this is all a bit whacky and fast, Jim.”

“I can’t disagree. But I guess my brain recognized his brain or some such thing. Rather than simmer down, they reached out to each other, and wham, we’re bonded.”

“Still sounds looney. What’s next then?”

Jim shrugged. “I told him I needed time to process it. But if we’re really husbands or mates or whatever, I guess we’d do what everyone does.”

Bones raised both eyebrows. “Which is?”

“You know, act like spouses, partners. Live together, be intimate, that kind of thing. I’m guessing we’d have to formally inform Starfleet so they’d assign us to the same ship. You know, when the time comes.”

“So that’s it? ‘And they lived happily ever after?’” Bones scoffed.

Jim rolled his eyes. “I’m sure there’s more to it than that.”

Bones and his ire deflated suddenly. “When you get married, for love I mean, you think that it’s going to be that way forever, right? You’re so filled with happiness and hope that nothing can ever go wrong. You overlook all their faults and them yours. Until one day the faults matter more than the hope and happiness.”

Jim reached over and placed his hand over his friend’s. “I’m sorry, Bones.”

“Yeah…well.” Bones sighed. “Do you love Spock?”

“I certainly like him a lot.” He shook his head. “I’m not sure I’m ready to call it love. I just don’t know.”

“Because it’s too fast.”

Jim nodded. “A little. But that doesn’t make it not real. I’ll figure it out, Bones. I think it’s really important.”

****

After his day’s classes were done, Jim headed back to his dorm, his mind on next steps with Spock. He went to open the door with his access code when the door moved inward, indicating it was already unlocked.

Jim frowned. He could have sworn Bones said he wouldn’t be back until late.

He pushed it all the way and stepped through it.

“Hello? Bones?”

“No, little brother.”

As Jim came further into the dorm room he spotted Sam lounging on the couch there.

“Sam? What the hell?  Did you break in here?”

Sam gave him a crooked grin. “Maybe.”

But Jim was not amused and he threw his book bag down. “You have to stop doing this stuff.”

“I’m your brother.”

“Believe me, I know who you are. But I’m not a kid anymore and you can’t do whatever the hell you want. Like sending your thugs here to keep an eye on me.”

“I’m concerned for your welfare,” Sam said in what Jim knew was supposed to be his soothing voice.

“My welfare is fine. The guys who assaulted me have been caught and in some cases killed by you and your friends.”

“That was ruled a suicide,” Sam replied without inflection.

“Whatever. I’m working to be a Starfleet officer, Sam. Hopefully someday to be in command like Dad was. And the last thing I need is my big brother shadowing me. You have your own life and your own career. Leave me to mine.”

Sam gestured to a chair next to the couch. “Sit down. I want to talk to you.”

Jim did sit but he also said, “And you don’t get to make demands and issue orders in my own place.”

Sam held up his hand. “All right, all right I get it. But while we’re on the subject, just what is going on with you and Spock.”

He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Is that any of your business?”

Sam smirked. “Probably not but your reaction tells me it’s serious.”

“It might be,” Jim allowed.

“He seems decent, Jim, and he was definitely willing to help you, but just be careful. Vulcans are not known to be warm and fuzzy.”

“You think I need warm and fuzzy?”

“Maybe. A little.” He held up his hands again to stall Jim’s protest. “You aren’t weak. That isn’t what I’m saying. Or delicate. But you are…sensitive. And passionate in your feelings. Maybe a Vulcan is good to balance that out. I don’t know. I’m just saying be careful.”

“I will be. And would’ve been without your ‘brotherly’ advice.”

“Okay. I know when to shut up.”

Jim snorted. “Since when?”

Sam laughed. “Right. Listen, sorry about the, uh, unauthorized access here, but I came to tell you I’ll be…unavailable…for an extended period of time.”

“How long?”

“I can’t say because I don’t know really. But it could be a very long time,” Sam admitted.

“Years?”

“Maybe.”

“I see. Have you let Mom know?”

“As much as I could, of course. And I know it’s not ideal. Keep in touch with her, Jim. No matter what’s going on with you, check on her, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.”

Sam stood. “I need to go.”

Jim stood up too and accepted the embrace from his brother, who squeezed him very tight.

“I don’t know when we’ll see each other again, little brother. But I promise we will.”

Jim pulled back and met Sam’s gaze. “You better mean it.”

“I do. And in the meantime, be the badass I know you can be.” Sam hugged him again, quick and loosely, and then he was out the door.

Jim turned and went to the door, peering outside to watch his brother as he walked away, unable to shake the feeling that despite what Sam said, he wouldn’t see his brother again.

Chapter Text

A short time later, after Sam left, Jim received a message.

The apartment’s yours if you want it. It’s paid ahead twenty-four months. The keys are on your dining room table.

 Jim found the keys and stared at them.

Only minutes later there was a knock on the dorm door.

“Spock?”

“Hello, Jim. May I come in?”

Jim smiled. “Of course.” After Spock was inside, Jim asked, “Did we have a date?”

“No, you called for me.”

Jim laughed. “I don’t remember doing that.”

“In a way, I suppose. I sensed your distress and disquiet from our link. I wished to ascertain that you were all right. I apologize if I have overstepped.”

“No, you haven’t.” Jim reached for Spock’s hand and led him to the sofa in the middle of the room. He pulled the Vulcan down to sit with him. “My brother was just here.”

“Yes?”

“He’s…not going to be around anymore.”

“He said goodbye?”

Jim nodded. “He was pretty vague but I got the feeling he won’t be back.”

“I’m sorry, Jim.”

“Yeah. In many ways…see, when I was a kid, Sam had a lot of troubles. Mom couldn’t really handle him. None of us could. He was mentally ill, I guess, but it wasn’t something we knew much about.”

“You were only a child.”

“Exactly. Mom was dealing with her own messy life. Going through a lot of guys to replace Dad and never really succeeding. Anyway, to make a super long story short, Sam tried to kill himself one day. He didn’t succeed but it was a near thing. He started talking to counselors and they helped some, but one day he met a guy from Starfleet. But not, you know, the good part.”

Spock frowned. “Section 31?”

“Uh-huh. Sam was recruited by them. And in many ways, like I was about to say, it saved him, helped him. I tried to help him too, but I was just a kid. I have always wished there was another way then the one he chose, but I was at least grateful to have my brother alive. And now I don’t even have that anymore.” Jim sighed. “He said I could have his apartment. He left the keys.”

Spock said nothing, just squeezed Jim’s hand.

“He was overbearing and overprotective, but he was my brother. The apartment’s nice, really nice, but I’d rather have my stupid brother.” To his embarrassment, his eyes stung with tears.

“Jim,” Spock said softly, and then pulled him into his arms.

For a long time, Spock just held him. It felt so good and so right.

Jim reached over and turned Spock’s face until he could reach Spock’s lips. The kiss was tender and sweet.

“Let’s do this,” he whispered.

“Do what?”

Jim smiled. “Give our relationship the full chance. I trust you, Spock. I know you won’t hurt me. I’ve always known, really. I want to have sex with you. I want to live with you. I want to try being your husband, your mate.”

Spock swallowed and nodded slowly. “Now?”

“You have somewhere else to be?”

“Negative. I…I find myself a little nervous though. I do not wish to get it wrong.”

Jim shook his head. “You won’t. You can’t.”

He stood up from the sofa and pulled Spock to his feet. He started them toward his bedroom.

“McCoy?”

“Won’t be back for hours,” Jim assured him. “But I’ll lock the bedroom door.”

And after they made it inside the room, Jim did just that.

“This bed is not very large,” Spock commented after they had removed all their clothes and gotten into it.

Jim smiled against his mouth. “That’s okay, I don’t want to be too far away from you.”

Spock’s breath hitched and he pressed his lips to Jim’s.

For many minutes, they just kissed, getting to know each other’s mouth quite intimately. They used to call it making out or necking, Jim thought to himself, but whatever it was, tasting Spock’s mouth and tongue like this was amazing.

He’d like kissing before, it was cool, but it had never been even close to the best part of sex, not to him. And yet now he couldn’t get enough of it, mouth to mouth, hands to hands with Vulcan kisses added to the mix. It was so erotic and intimate.

Eventually, Jim slid his hand away from Spock’s to explore further down Spock’s body, fingers spreading over Spock’s abdomen causing the Vulcan to tremble.

Then his fingers curled around Spock’s hard cock making Spock cry out and arch off the mattress.

“Easy,” Jim whispered.

“I am a little overstimulated,” Spock admitted, shyly.

“Let me see if I can take the edge off.”

He gave Spock one last kiss before inching downward, toward Spock’s crotch. When his mouth drew in the tip of Spock’s erection, the Vulcan gasped.

Jim drew him, sucking deep, enjoying the keening cries he pulled from Spock.

When Spock could take no more, Jim found himself suddenly on his back with Spock looming over him, his pupils blown wide from his arousal.

Jim smiled up at him, his heart thundering, and reminding himself this was Spock, whom he trusted above just about anyone else.

“What do you want, Jim?”

Jim moistened his lips. “You. I want you.”

“You have me.”

He laughed. “I’m glad. But I mean, I want you to-to claim me.”

Spock blinked slowly. “Do you have…lubrication?”

“Yeah, in that drawer, next to the bed,” he replied, somewhat breathlessly.

Spock retrieved the lube and then set about preparing Jim for his penetration.

By the time Spock had Jim ready, he was shaking more than Spock had been.

“Are you all right, Jim?”

“Oh yeah. I just…please, I want you.”

Spock leaned down and kissed Jim deeply, then he lifted Jim’s legs up and entered him, pushing in slowly and carefully.

His hand went to Jim’s cheek, spreading out to a meld, but he waited for Jim to give his consent and after Jim nodded, he joined them this way also.

Jim had never felt more loved and cherished then he did as they climaxed together.

At some point, hours he thought, he heard the door of the dorm room opening, Bones returning from his own plans that night. Spock’s arms tightened around him, and Jim returned to sleep in his T’hy’la’s arms.

Chapter Text

Jim winced as the apartment door slammed behind him.

“Sorry,” he muttered, though whether it was to the neighbors, the door or Spock he wasn’t sure.

“Spock! You here?”

“Yes, Jim.”

Spock came out of the hallway next to their bedroom.

“I got my ship assignment.” He’d run the whole way and was out of breath.

“And?”

“They assigned me to the Farragut.”

Spock’s expression remained unreadable, except for the fact Jim could read it. His lover was very disappointed.

“I see. But we…”

“Yep, exactly,” Jim quickly interrupted. “I told them as a bonded pair, officially recognized by the Federation, we shouldn’t be separated and should be assigned to the same ship.”

Spock pursed his lips. “And?”

“They told me they didn’t care,” Jim admitted.

“Oh.”

Jim walked over to where Spock stood and moved in close but didn’t yet touch the Vulcan.

“I went over their head.”

Spock tilted his head. “You—”

“There was no way I was taking no for an answer. I’m not playing around here. So I went to the admiralty and Captain Pike and Captain Garrovick. And, uh, I may have threatened to give up our careers in Starfleet over it.”

“Jim.”

“I know, I know. And I also may have involved your father.”

“Sarek?”

Jim grinned. “You have another father?”

“No.” Spock seemed to contemplate all this. Finally he asked, “And?”

“I’m assigned to the Enterprise,” Jim announced triumphantly. But then he shifted uncomfortably. “That’s…that’s what you wanted, right? I didn’t misread the situation?”

It was Spock who moved to touch Jim, putting his hands on Jim’s forearms to pull him closer still.

“You are my T’hy’la, of course I did not want us to serve on different ships. I would have argued for the same.”

Jim smiled. “That’s a relief. I don’t want to have manipulated the circumstances to get something we both didn’t want.”

“It would have been difficult to have you serve on another starship, however, it would have been manageable. That we do not have to manage it is very good news.”

“Good, great. And I have more good news.”

“Yes?”

“Bones is on the Enterprise too.”

Spock sighed. “That is…fortunate.”

Jim laughed.

“For you,” Spock finished.

He laughed harder then and pulled Spock in for a kiss.

“You know, our ship assignments don’t start for another six months.’

“I am aware. And though we fulfilled our bond here on Earth when we…”

“Obtained optimal intimacy,” Jim offered with a smile.

“Yes,” Spock agreed. “I would like to propose that we take a voyage some time during those six months to Vulcan to bond before a Vulcan elder. And for you to become acquainted with my parents in person rather than simply via a video screen.”

“I’d like that.” Jim paused. “I think.”

“You think?”

“I’m all for spending time with your folks. And I might as well pop your cherry with my mom too.”

Spock sighed heavily.

Jim chuckled. “Trust me, meeting her is an experience not to be missed. It’s the heat of Vulcan I’m not particurly keen on.”

“Doctor McCoy can provide you with shots that will relieve you from the worst of the symptoms.”

“Just what I love…Bones’ shots.”

“There is more though, correct?”

“Nah, just…some of those Vulcan elders are scary. Pike contacted one of them about the two of us. Um, T’Pau, I think her name was.”

“Captain Pike contacted T’Pau?” Spock asked, shocked.

“Yeah, said he’d met her once. Anyway, she confirmed we should be together, you’ll be happy to know, but man, she was…forbidding.”

“To say the least,” Spock agreed. “I promise that whatever elder we stand before to bond on Vulcan will not harm you.”

“I know that.’ Jim kissed Spock softly. “I’m not afraid. Not when I know you’re with me. I know you always have my back just as I always have yours.”

“You are very brave and admirable, Jim.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know about that. But I try. And I know that we didn’t meet in the best of circumstances, but I’m very glad my academic advisor was not available that day and you came to the hospital instead.”

“I am very glad as well.”

“Thank you for leading me out of the darkness, Spock.”

“Just call my name, Jim, and I will always come running.”

“Me too, Spock, me too.”