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Erestor only noticed Lindir when he sat down next to him and snuggled into his side. By now he was so used to having his son around that he felt his presence was completely normal.
He sat under a large oak tree on the edge of Imladris, as Glorfindel had urged him to get some fresh air and to not sit in the "dusty library" all day.
Erestor closed the book he had just been reading, put an arm around Lindir and kissed his hair. "What brings you here, my darling?" he asked gently and smiled warmly at Lindir, who smiled warmly back.
"I wanted to see you, that is all," he said, closing his eyes and leaning even more against Erestor.
It still seemed so unbelievable to him that Lindir had only come to live with them almost a year ago. It seemed so long ago and at the same time he couldn't believe how quickly time seemed to pass.
Since he had come to them, Lindir had grown a few centimetres and had, thankfully, gained some weight. When he had first come to live with them, he had been completely emaciated, but after three meals a day every day (and lots of sweets he had received from Celebrían, Glorfindel and Elrond) he had gained some weight and his cheeks were now even a little round and always slightly red. Erestor thought it was incredibly cute and he loved the fact that Lindir seemed so much healthier now, even if he had to stop the three from giving him such a large supply of sweets, as it couldn't possibly be healthy. So Lindir was doing better.
But there was one thing that worried Erestor, and it wasn't the first time he had brought it up. "Why don't you play with the other elflings?"
"Elladan, Elrohir and Arwen accompanied Celebrían to Lórien." Lindir replied, but his voice sounded a little higher than usual.
"I know, and I think it is really great that you get on so well with them, but I think it would not hurt you to have friends your own age," Erestor explained gently. Lindir was having trouble making friends with the other young elves in Imladris and Mirkwood. Mostly probably because he was so shy, which wasn't a bad thing in itself, but Erestor was still worried.
Lindir pushed himself somewhat roughly away from his embrace, crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked in the opposite direction. Erestor knew why he was doing this. Lindir didn't like it when people saw him cry. A few weeks ago, Lindir had told Erestor how much his parents had really hated to see him cry. Erestor's heart ached so incredibly every time he thought about it.
"I have never had any friends, so I do not need any now." he said a little iritated, but his voice trembled a little.
Erestor sank back onto the grass behind him and stared up into the crown of the oak tree. "I just do not want you to be lonely, iôn nín. Because that's not a nice feeling, believe me."
Lindir sighed heavily and it took him a moment to finally say, "I am sorry, Ada." He let himself sink back into the grass too, still avoiding Erestor's eyes, but no longer hiding his face, so Erestor was able to see the few tears on Lindir's cheeks.
"It is all right,"Erestor said calmly, who had not taken Lindir's little outburst personally. He knew his son didn't mean it that way
"It is just-" Lindir sighed again. "It is just so hard."
"What is hard for you, iôn?" Erestor asked gently.
Lindir swallowed and Erestor surmised that he was trying to avoid more tears. "Normal- normal things." He wiped one of his eyes with his sleeve. "It is really hard for me sometimes and- and it looks so easy for others."
"Oh Lindir," Eretsor whispered softly. "You will just have to get used to all this. I think you are doing really well already."
"But what if I never get it right?" Lindir asked softly, sniffling barely perceptibly. "I feel so strange sometimes, Ada."
"What kind of strange?" Erestor asked, who really had to restrain himself from hugging Lindir.
Lindir had just pushed him away, so as long as he didn't try to get close to Erestor again, he had to accept it.
Lindir started chewing on the sleeve of his robe, something that Erestor rarely saw him do, but which indicated nervousness. "Like I am doing everything wrong. Like there is something wrong with me." he said quietly.
"Iôn nín, there is nothing wrong with you, you are perfect just the way you are." Erestor said gently. "You have to understand that your experiences are simply different from those of others."
"But why does it have to be that way, Ada? Why can't I just be okay?" The desperation in Lindir's voice almost brought tears to Erestor's own eyes. It was something Lindir had been struggling with for some time now. That even after so long in a loving family, he was still miserable sometimes, that he still wasn't fully healed.
Erestor had always told him that it was okay and that he just needed time, but this time he decided to take a different path. Because he didn't know if telling Lindir the same thing over and over again would actually help.
"You will find your place." Erestor began and turned his gaze back up into the crown of the tree. "When I first came to Lindon, I wasn't doing so well either. I was the son of a kinslayer and a difficult person in general, so the others avoided me for the most part. I was lonely during that time, iôn, and I intent to spare you from that feeling at all costs. It only got better when I opened up to Elrond and he got me to befriend Gil-Galad, Glorfindel and eventually Celebrimbor. It took time, it hurt and, I am not going to lie, I cried myself to sleep on many nights, but eventually I found my place. You will find your place too, but it may take time. Even if you are already in the place you are supposed to be, it takes time to feel comfortable or settle in completely. It may hurt and it may sting, but I promise to always be there for you."
It was quiet for a while until he heard a soft whimper from Lindir and felt himself move closer to him. He cuddled up to Erestor and said softly, "I am sorry you ever felt like that."
"It is not so bad, iôn. Now everything is different." Erestor whispered and turned on his side to embrace Lindir. "I just wanted you to know that I can understand you a bit." He kissed Lindir's forehead.
"What was your Ada like?" Lindir asked softly.
"Atya was wonderful." Erestor said softly, the Quenya word seemed somehow foreign on his tongue, almost as if someone else had said it, not him. "He taught me embroidery, but was also very supportive when I decided to stop and spend almost all my free time in libraries instead. He would have loved the fact that he now has a grandson, I think." Erestor stroked Lindir's hair, lost in thought.
"You think he would not have minded that I am not really- "Lindir bit his lip. He did like the idea of having grandfather. That was a concept that he had never really thought about before.
"You are my son Lindir, yonya," this word also felt strange but somehow also right at that moment. "And that is all that matters to me, and I think that is all that would have mattered to him only."
"Oh." Lindir's cheeks got a little more red. "Those were Quenya words, weren't they?" Lindir asked, some curiosity in his voice. "What do they mean?"
"'Yonya' means 'my son', it is like the Quenya version of iôn nín," Erestor explained gently. "And 'Atya' means 'my father'."
"Atya." Lindir tried out the word carefully. "May- may I call you that too?"
Erestor's heart softened. "Of course, I- Oh Lindir." Erestor nuzzled his nose lovingly into Lindir's hair.
Lindir had been calling him 'Ada' for a while now, but the word 'Atya' had so much more meaning to Erestor, especially in relation to his family and the emotions that it brought, and apparently Lindir had understood that.
"I love you, Atya." Lindir whispered softly.
Erestor smiled into Lindir's hair. "I love you too, Yonya."