Chapter Text
“And only then will the people know true and everlasting peace…” Lily finishes reading off the computer. “Remus, it’s brilliant.” She shoves the ungodly amount of papers littering his desk aside and leans against it. Remus spins in his chair to face her.
“But it's never gonna appear in Composure magazine,” he sighs. “God, I busted my ass in grad school just to be, what? Remus Lupin: the How-To guy. ‘How to Know if He Really Does Like You’ and,” he raises his voice “‘Do, like, Bisexuals, like, Really Have More Fun?’”
Remus drops his head on his desk and sighs. “I wanna write about things that matter, Lils. Like, fuck, I don’t know…politics and the environment and shit.”
“Politics, the environment, and shit? Quit the combination,” Lily laughs.
“You know what I mean,” he mumbles.
“Honey, so you busted your ass for a couple years and it got you here. Big deal! Keep busting it for a couple more and you’ll be on the front page of Time magazine. You’ll get there, I know it.”
She hops down off his desk and turns to walk over to hers. They share a cubicle that’s a whopping six feet wide so she only takes a few steps before returning with a white envelope in her hand. “I got something that’ll cheer you up! Remember that editor from Sports Illustrated that you have been shamelessly flirting with for, what, like two months now?”
“Ryan?” Oh, Remus remembers Ryan. If only he wasn’t blonde…Remus doesn’t like blondes. But Ryan is tall and handsome and has quite the ass. And he’s been flirting with Remus for months now and Remus just cannot get past the whole blonde thing.
“He made a little delivery this morning…” Lily waves around the small envelope. She pulls her hand away each time he tries to reach for it.
“Let me see! Let me see!” Remus reaches over and snatches the envelope out of Lily’s hand. He opens the envelope to see two tickets - good seats too. He really should give Ryan a call. “Tomorrow night!” he flops back down in his chair and smiles at the tickets. These must have cost him a fortune…can Remus really tolerate a blonde though?!
“What happens tomorrow night?” Lily asks.
“Only the most exhilarating and artistic display of athletic competition known to mankind!”
“I didn’t know Disney on Ice would be in town,” Lily smiles.
“No, the NBA finals will be in town and I. Got. Tickets!” He spins in his chair and looks back at Lily, who has returned to her perch on his desk. “Come with me?”
Lily pretends to think for a moment before huffing and dramatically rolling her eyes. “All right, I’ll go. But I am not putting out.”
“A giant pretzel and a vodka cran - you will be whistling a different tune.”
Lily hums and flips through the Vogue magazine he had buried on his desk. “You know what I like.”
Alice comes around the corner and stops at Remus’ desk. “Good morning, ladies and Remus,” she smiles. She looks at Remus’ messy desk and her smile drops. She turns and walks away, calling over her shoulder “Don’t forget, staff meeting in thirty!
“Dorcas?” Lily asks. “Haven’t seen her all morning. Have you?”
Remus shakes his head. “Ten-to-one she’s wallowing,” he sighs. He stands up from his desk and stretches his back, he can hear his spine pop and crack and thinks that it’s probably not good. “It’s my turn, I’ll get her. You get the coffee?”
Lily nods and gets up too, her back making significantly less noise. “Meet me in twenty.”
Remus nods absentmindedly. He can hear her heels tapping as she walks away. “Wait, wait, wait!” She yells as she turns back around and rushes back to her desk. She shoves a few items in a bag and holds it out to Remus, “Here, take some samples.”
“Samples,” he nods, peeping into the bag and spotting some travel-sized lipsticks and mascaras. “Samples…great idea.”
Lily turns, her red hair flipping over her shoulder, and the taps of her heels filling the silent office again.
***
Sirius really has gotten lucky at parking his motorcycle lately. Today, there’s a perfect spot directly in front of his building…with only three feet left in between the two cars. He almost passes it up, but god - his building is right there!
He carefully parks it between the cars, watching to ensure he doesn’t bump anything. He hops off his motorcycle and looks at his parking job - mighty impressive, if he can say so himself. Which he can, so he will.
Very impressive parking, Sirius.
“Hello, Sirius,” he hears someone yell. He turns from admiring his parking and sees Marlene walking past him on the sidewalk.
He takes his helmet off and runs to catch up with her. “Hey, hey! Good morning, McKinnon.”
She rolls her eyes and makes a dramatic show of flipping open her magazine. Sirius smiles at her and dips his head to read the magazine name, Composure.
“What are you reading?” He laughs. “Catching up on current events, hmm? Tell me, have they found Princess Middleton? How are the icebergs in Antarctica?”
Marlene snaps the magazine shut and glares at him. Sirius looks at the cover again and laughs, “How-To: Make Him Hot. You know, if you want to try those out some time we can still get together.” He flashes her his sweetest smile - the one that makes his dimples really pop - and she scoffs.
“MacDonald and I have an appointment at Composure, the fastest-growing women’s magazine in the country, thank you,” she says. Marlene shoves the magazine against his chest and he steals it, quickly flipping through the pages. “Seeing as our clients run a lot of our campaigns in nationally syndicated little girly magazines, it wouldn’t hurt you to do a little reading.”
Sirius smirks and flips to the end of the magazine, stopping on a page featuring a tall, blonde woman dressed in what he will politely describe as a scantily-clad outfit. He holds the page up to Marlene, “I’ll get right on that,” he winks.
“Hey, Sirius!”
“Good morning, MacDonald,” Sirius smiles at her.
Her eyes trail over him and she sends him a smile. “You finally decided to show up?”
“Yes, Mary, I did.” He needs new friends. Why do all his friends bully him? Can he even call Marlene a friend? He doesn’t really think she is.
Mary turns to Marlene, “You ready?”
Marlene nods and snatches the magazine out of Sirius’ hands. She smirks at him and walks away, calling out over her shoulder, “Later, Sirius.”
“Have a nice day, ladies!”
He really needs new friends.
***
Remus knocks on the door again. He feels like he’s performing a fucking wellness check, for god's sake.
The door finally opens a crack, Dorcas’ eyeball being the only thing visible.
“Hi!” She mumbles. Remus shoves the door open a little bit more. Dorcas is wearing a ratty pair of shorts and no shirt. Her yellow bra strap is falling down her shoulder and Remus pushes it up for her. She has crumbs on her stomach, but he’s not going to mention it. Dorcas starts sobbing.
“Good morning, sunshine,” he smiles. “Alright, let’s get you dressed.” He pushes further into her apartment and beelines for her closet. “Staff meeting in fifteen. Let’s go! We gotta go!”
Dorcas flops down on her bed and groans. “I’m going back to bed. I have no reason to live.”
He looks around her apartment, to-go containers littered are all over the floor amongst hundreds of used tissues. Oh, boy. He pulls open the curtains, the sun filtering in and lighting up the dark, dungeon-esk room. “Suns out!”
Dorcas cries into her pillow. Remus thinks she might be saying words, but he’s not sure what they may be. He sits on the edge of the bed and hands her a tissue. “Okay, okay. It’s alright, Dorc.”
She sits up and looks at him. She has snot dripping from her nose, but Remus won’t mention that either. He grabs her another tissue. God, her apartment is a mess!
He picks up a random purple shirt from the floor and tosses it her way.
“Cashmere?” She sniffles.
“Put it on. It’ll make your eyes pop,” he looks around the room for some pants. He doesn’t find any, but he does find an egg roll. He tosses it in her overflowing garbage can.
“This was Rachel’s,” Dorcas sobs into the shirt. Remus gently rips the shirt out of her hands and tosses it in the garbage can. He should call her a cleaner.
“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Come on, Dorc, it’s alright. I’m not gonna let you lose your job on top of everything else! Come here,” he sits on the bed again and pulls her into a hug. She sobs against his shirt and he thinks there’s going to be a snot stain now.
“Remus,” she whines. She pulls her head off of him and sniffles, using the back of her hand to wipe away snot from her nose. Charming. “I-I…” she starts sobbing again.
Remus runs a soothing hand down her arm. “Dorc, hun, you only dated her for a week.”
Dorcas buries her head into his shirt again and sobs. “It was the best week of my life!”
He runs a hand down her back, “Oh, sweetheart.”
***
“Morning, ladies!” Sirius calls out, waving his hand at the woman crowded around reception. They all turn their heads toward him and smile, and Sirius can feel their eyes on him as he walks away.
He heads into his office, James already there and playing Tetris on his computer. “What’s up, kitty cat?”
James looks up from his game and smiles. “What’s up, pup?”
Sirius sets his motorcycle helmet down and starts to take off his bag. “Big night?” James asks, moving away from his desk and sitting on Sirius’, shoving papers away in the process so he can plop his fat ass down.
“Not too bad,” Sirius answers, setting his bag down on his desk.
“Orgy?” James asks, his feet dangling from how he’s sitting on Sirius’ desk. His heels keep hitting the desk and Sirius is afraid his shoes are going to leave a mark on his nice mahogany wood.
“Where were you?” Sirius asks.
“Not at an orgy,” James smiles. He picks up a random piece of paper on Sirius’ desk and starts to read it. Sirius snatches it back.
Peter strolls into the office a second later, throwing a small basketball James’ way. James catches it and throws it between his hands. “Did you hear?” Peter asks.
“What?” Sirius asks as he starts to shrug off his leather jacket. “That my Knickerbockers are now in the championship series and Jame the flame, here,” Sirius points towards James, “Owes me twenty bucks?”
James gently smacks Peter in his stomach. “Pay him.”
Peter fishes in his back pocket for his wallet. “Well, you were right.” Peter grabs a twenty out of his wallet and slaps it into Sirius’ hand. “Dumbledore Diamonds is looking for a new ad agency and Moody wants to move on it aggressively.”
Sirius pockets the twenty dollars and drapes his jacket against the back of his chair. “Oh, this is a good day!” He laughs. “This is a good day.”
He laughs to himself as he starts to pull his gray t-shirt off.
What? Riding a motorcycle makes him sweaty, and he can’t be at work sweaty. He has class.
“Guys, did you know diamonds are about as common as taxis on 5th Avenue? The value is entirely sentimental, maintained by supply, demand, and…” Sirius pauses for dramatic effect. “Advertising.”
He drops his old shirt and looks back at James and Peter. Peter holds up two new, clean shirts - one with stripes and the other plaid. “Stripes,” he says. Peter hands him the striped shirt.
“Now,” he starts. He holds up a pamphlet he’s been keeping in his office, Dumbledore standing next to his business partner and husband, Gellert. They both have ridiculous long beards that Sirius thinks must be some trend for the absurdly rich. He points at the picture, “Dumbledore dominates the world diamond market. If I represent them, I basically represent the entire industry.”
Peter and James look at each other carefully. Sirius watches the quiet conversation between them. “What?”
“Moody gave it to the M&M’s,” James sighs.
“McKinnon and MacDonald, they’re already on it,” Peter confirms with a sad nod.
“No way!” He yells. He pulls his arms through the shirt and glances away from James and Peter, catching the eyes of a group of women watching him. Sirius smirks at them and they all quickly look away.
“Well,” Peter starts. “He’s into hot, leggy chicks.”
Sirius scoffs as he finishes up his buttons. “The M&M’s don’t go his way.”
“And, we’re the sneaker and beer division. Precious gems are not our forte,” Peter continues.
Sirius remembers the magazine Marlene had been looking through when he saw her and Mary this morning and fights back a loud groan. “Mean and Meaner are over at some chicks’ magazine right now! Oh… I gotta get to Moody before - ”
“You can’t!” Peter cuts him off. “He’s on a plane.”
“Chicago meeting,” James pipes up through a mouthful of food and his hand buried in a bag of chips. It’s 8AM, why on Earth is he eating chips?
“And it’s too late anyway,” Peter nods. “Moody is meeting them for drinks at Rosmerta's tonight to discuss their idea.”
“You know what,” Sirius laughs. He shakes his head. “This didn’t happen…this was my tip!” He scoffs. “It’s gonna be my pitch, my account, my campaign! This is my baby!”
Peter and James both nod and slap him on the back. James tosses the basketball in the air and it hits him on the head.
“They’re not going to ace me out of this…” he decides. He picks up James’ basketball and hands it back to him. “Okay, Rosmerta’s tonight?”
Peter nods and holds his fist out, dropping it nonchalantly when no one bumps it. James tosses the basketball up again. It hits Sirius in the head.
“Okay! Rosmerta’s tonight!” James yells.
***
Remus opens the backseat door of the taxi and drags Dorcas out. She pulls a tissue out of her purse and blows her nose. “It’s alright,” he murmurs, gently dragging her out of the middle of the street - for her safety, not because their meeting starts in five minutes and Remus does not want to be late.
Lily comes rushing up a moment later and shoves a coffee in Dorcas’ hand. “Hi,” she cries.
“Hi!” Lily smiles. She hands Remus his coffee and turns back to Dorcas. She has a tissue stuffed in her bra that is sticking out through her top. Lily grabs the tissue out and uses it to dab a tear off of Dorcas’ cheek.
“I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?” Dorcas sniffles. She takes a giant sip of coffee and starts sobbing. “Why does this always happen to me?”
Remus and Lily lock eyes and both frantically talk over each other to try and calm her down.
Dorcas keeps sobbing and pulls another tissue out of her bra. “I mean,” she sniffs. “Things are going great for, like…a week, week-and-a-half and then! All of a sudden! It’s over and I am left mystified!”
Dorcas blows her nose in the tissue and lets out a wet cough. “Seriously, I am mystified! Because…because it always starts out so well!”
Remus grabs her free hand and drags her into the office building - they are going to be late! “Poor baby,” he coos. He holds the door open for her and jabs her in the back to move her along quicker. They scan their ID cards to get in the office and Lily pushes the up button for the elevator.
“Rachel and I had such a connection,” Dorcas sighs. “The first time we had sex, it was so beautiful I cried.” The elevator dings and they all cram in.
“You cried?” Lily asks. She looks over Dorcas’ head at Remus with wide eyes.
“Yeah,” Dorcas sniffles. She pulls another tissue out of her bra. How many does she have in there?!
‘What the fuck?’ he mouths. Lily nods dramatically and moves a comforting hand to Dorcas’ back. “You mean…” Lily clears her throat. “You mean like…one glistening tear on your cheek, right?”
“No,” Dorcas whines. “I was really emotional, told her that I loved her.” The elevator dings and they move out of the way so a girl in the back can get off. Dorcas wipes another tear off her cheek.
“After how many days?” Remus asks.
“Five,” Dorcas answers quickly. Remus and Lily both give her an impressive look of disbelief. “Ugh, two! But it was how I felt! I wanted to express myself.”
Remus looks back up at Lily, ‘Lesbians’ he mouths. She uses her hand to stifle her laugh and shakes her head. Lily coughs and clears her throat. “And, uh…what - what did she say?”
“Oh, Rach didn’t have to say anything. I know she felt the same,” Dorcas nods and the elevator dings again, the three of them start shuffling out. “But then, she started getting really busy. I didn’t know where she was, so I called. And called. And called.”
“And called,” Remus and Lily both say.
“She never answered,” Dorcas sniffs.
Remus shoves Dorcas by the shoulders to direct them into their part of the building. Lily holds open the door, Composure Magazine is written on the frosted glass. “You kept calling her?” He asks.
“I didn’t leave a message!” Dorcas scoffs. “And…eventually, my-my calls wouldn’t go through.”
“She blocked you?” Lily gasps.
“I even tried *67,” Dorcas cries.
“Oh, I’m sure she thought those were just scam calls,” Remus tries to reassure her. “You know how those scammers like to frequently call twenty times in a row.”
Remus directs Dorcas to the stairs that will take them up to Alice's office. Dorcas takes the steps slowly, pausing on each one to wipe away a tear. Remus doesn't snap at her to go quicker, they’re already late.
“Anyway,” she sighs once they reach the top of the stairs. “I know why she dumped me. I’m too ugly.”
“You’re not ugly!” Remus and Lily both yell. They step to the side of the stairs and crowd Dorcas into a tight hug. She sobs into Remus’ shoulder.
“Dorcas, if the most beautiful person in the world acted the way you did, any normal person would still go running in the other direction,” Lily runs a reassuring hand down Dorcas’ arm. She pulls Dorcas’ braids over her shoulders so they all lay down her back.
“No, no,” Dorcas shakes her head firmly, her braids falling back over her shoulders. “No one would go running from you, Remus. You could barf all over them and they’d be all,” she raises her voice in a mocking tone, “‘Do it again! Do it again!’”
Remus scoffs and pulls the door to Alice’s office open, five minutes after the meeting was supposed to start. “That is both incredibly disgusting and categorically untrue,” he shoves Dorcas through the door and into the large office. “If I did all the things you did, I’d get dumped too.”
They all shuffle into the office, everyone irritably watching them for being late.
“Okay, family,” Alice starts. “Shoes off and breathe.” Remus kicks his sneakers off and sits down on a fluffy orange chair, pulling his long legs up underneath him.
“And out,” Alice breathes out a deep sigh. “Okay, Emmeline, let’s start with you.”
Remus looks over at Emmeline, a younger Vietnamese girl who started at Composure just a few weeks ago. She's sitting cross-legged on the floor and her cheeks redden at everyone’s attention being on her.
“Well,” she starts. She bites her lips and locks eyes with Alice. “The Lip Filler For Beginners piece is almost done. Now, it’s a little scary, but mostly upbeat. I’m working now on What Your Hairdresser Won’t Tell You - which is pretty scary, but, you know, upbeat.”
Remus shares glances with Lily while Emmeline is talking and they both mouth along each time she says ‘upbeat.’ Emmeline is incredibly sweet, hilarious, and very good at her job, kind of shy and a bit timid, but very upbeat.
“I finished my research on Deadly Waxing,” Emmeline continues. “The woman who contracted that infection from reused wax. It’s a terrible story…although, surprisingly upbeat.”
“Upbeat,” Alice repeats. She smiles at Emmeline before turning her attention to Remus. “What’s next for How-To with Remus?”
“Well,” Remus coughs. “I’ve…uh, I’ve been working on something that’s, kind of, um…different. It’s a…a political piece and it’s…”
“No, Remus,” Alice cuts him off. “You work at Composure Magazine. We are fashion, trends, cosmetic surgery, salacious gossip - that is Composure.”
“Okay, but…”
“Look, Remus,” Alice sighs. She tucks a piece of dark brown hair behind her ear and levels him with an impressive stare. “The column is new for you. When you turn the column into a must-read, then you can write about whatever you want.”
Remus resists every urge in his body to roll his eyes. Instead, he shares an annoyed glance with Lily, who sends him a supportive smile.
“Until then,” Alice continues. “You can write about whatever I want. Understood?”
“Yeah,” Remus sighs. He looks down at his stupid socked feet on the stupid fluffy orange chair he’s sitting in. His socks have dinosaurs on them. He wonders if Alice would think his socks are in trend. Do socks have trends?
He works for a magazine that specializes in trends and he has no fucking clue. God, he needs a new job. But he needs to pay his rent and his bills. His mother always taught him the importance of paying rent and bills.
But his socks have dinosaurs on them and he just finished writing an article called How To Shave Around Your Ankles.
Maybe he can move in with Lily and live on her couch.
“Dorcas,” Alice turns to face her. “What have you got?” Alice has the perfect look for someone in charge of a large women’s magazine. She has a round face with high cheekbones and a friendly smile - except when she looks at you with a stare that is so severe and unfriendly you have to wonder if she’d win a competition against Medusa.
“I’m sorry, Alice,” Dorcas sniffs. “I wasn’t feeling very well.”
Lily, who is sitting next to her on a big purple couch, grabs her a tissue out of her purse. Dorcas blows her nose into the tissue. “She got dumped,” Lily says.
“Oh, no, Dorcas,” Alice gives a placating frown. “What a hellish ordeal for you.” Dorcas smiles sadly and wipes away another tear. Alice hums, “I must say, you are looking fabulous. Are we loving the way she looks, all?” Alice gestures to the other employees, all sitting shoeless around Alice’s’ unorthodoxly decorated office.
Emmeline nods her head enthusiastically, “She looks great!”
“My tears have moisturized my skin,” Dorcas mumbles, wiping away another single tear from her cheek. How has she not dehydrated?
“Good for you!” Alice exclaims. “Write about it.”
“I can’t use my personal life for a story,” Dorcas scoffs.
Alice puts a hand to her heart and nods kindly. “I understand completely. Who will use Dorcas’ personal life for a story?”
“Oh, I will!” Emmeline yells out. She’s nodding frantically. Alice points to her and gives her a thumbs up - Emmeline's cheeks start to redden at the attention.
Dorcas scoffs again and shoves a used tissue into her purse. “No, no, no! Alice, please, with all due respect, Emmeline has no business in my personal life - and I won’t let her!”
“I’ll do it,” Remus pipes up. Dorcas whips her head in his direction, a single braid smacking her across her forehead.
She glares at him. “What?”
“I’ll…I’ll sort of do it. You will…you’ll be my inspiration!” Remus nods. He sends her a reassuring smile. She glares at him and sniffs.
“For?” Alice asks.
“Look at Dorcas,” Remus gestures to her. Her eyes are puffy and red and she’s wearing two different shoes. “She is great, right? An amazing person. But, she - she has problems hanging on to relationships and she…doesn’t really know what she’s doing wrong, like a lot of our readers.”
Alice nods in agreement and gestures at Remus to continue. “So, what - I could start dating a guy and…drive him away, using only the classic mistakes most people, like Dorcas, make all the time. I’ll, um…keep a journal of it and it can be, like, a dating how-to in reverse.”
“What not to do…” Alice muses. She locks eyes with Remus and for the first time, he feels like he isn’t about to be turned to stone. “How to lose a guy in ten days.”
“Yeah…” Remus nods. Alice points at him and gives him a thumbs up.
She turns away from him, “Emma, what’s new in the hat - ”
“Wait, wait, Alice. I’m sorry, why ten days?” Remus asks.
“Five days is too short and we go to press in eleven,” Alice brushes him off. She turns back to Emma.
“So, we found out that men are attracted to yellow hats…” Emma starts, flipping through a large yellow legal notepad. “Now, I love them myself, but…”
Remus zones out then, turning to face Dorcas who has now dropped her glare and is trying to hold back a laugh.
Alice ends the meeting a few moments later and they follow her out of her office. Lily, who had a few questions about the article she’s working on, is walking next to her. Remus hasn’t been paying much attention, to be fair, but he’s heard Alice recommended adding Greta Thunberg to Lily’s article so he’s a bit lost on what exactly she’s writing.
“Ah,” Alice gasps. “My ten o’clock. Hi, welcome.” She walks over to two women waiting in the lobby. She gestures to the two women, “Ladies and Remus, Marlene McKinnon and Mary MacDonald from Moody Advertising.”
Remus shakes their hand and says a quiet hello. Marlene McKinnon is tall, blonde, and excellent in a red lip. Mary MacDonald is short, curvy, and has beautiful curly hair that makes Remus want to ask her what her routine is, for himself even, not some stupid article.
“We’re going to cook up some fabulous tie-ins for the fall,” Alice smiles. “Lily Evans, fashion and trends,” she gestures to Lily. “Dorcas Meadowes, health and wellness. And, Remus Lupin, our resident How-To guy.”
“Oh,” Marlene smiles at him. “I’ve seen your column, Remus. What are you working on now?”
“Oh, I’m - ”
“How to lose a guy in ten days,” Alice cuts him off. “He’s going to start dating a guy and then drive him away in a week-and-a-half.”
Marlene and Mary both laugh. “Sounds needlessly vicious,” Mary says. He really wants to ask her about her curl routine. He was using some Moroccan Hair Oil that Dorcas had recommended but the company changed their formula and suddenly clumps of his hair were coming out in the shower. Dorcas has been a bit too…distracted…for him to ask her for another recommendation. Also, he’s not sure he trusts her with that now.
“It’s going to be fabulous,” Alice says. “Now, all he has to do is run along and find the lucky guy.” Alice turns and smiles at him. Her smile drops, “Go, go, go!”
Remus smiles tightly and turns to leave, ushering Lily and Dorcas with him. Dorcas seems a little reluctant to move at first, her eyes lingering on where Marlene and Mary are still standing. Remus pushes her forward and she finally moves.
“Wanna get ready at mine tonight?” Lily asks. “I’ve got watered-down vodka and half a lemon.”
A couple hours later, they're at Lily’s apartment, a shared bottle of watered-down vodka being passed between them. They all passed on the lemon.
“You are never going to pull this off,” Dorcas laughs. She downs another shot.
“Watch me,” Remus smirks. “Tonight, even. I’ll hook a guy and tomorrow…pull the switch.” Lily pours him another shot. It’s a good thing they’re watered down because he’s not sure exactly how many he’s had. “Before the ten days are up, I am going to have this guy running for his life.”
“You’re not gonna, like, burn his apartment down or bite him, are you?” Lily raises her eyebrow in question.
“Only if he asks nicely,”
“Ah! Remus!” Dorcas yells. She grabs one of Lily’s decorative pillows and throws it at him. “We said no discussing kinks!”
Remus dodges the pillow and watches as it knocks one of Lily’s fancy vases off her coffee table. Lily, who had three-to-five watered-down shots before Dorcas and Remus had shown up, didn’t notice. “I’m gonna limit myself to only doing the things that people do wrong in relationships. You know, I’ll be clingy, needy.”
“Be touchy-feely,” Lily mumbles from where she’s sitting on the floor. She has a handheld mirror ridiculously close to her face as she tries to apply her mascara.
“Yeah!” Dorcas shouts. “Call him in the middle of the night and tell him everything you did that day.”
Lily puts her mirror and mascara down and stares at Dorcas. Remus sets down his drink and does the same.
“I’m kidding,” she huffs.
***
Sirius taps his finger repeatedly against the table. He checks his watch again, 7:43PM. He takes a sip of his drink - a whiskey sour. They’re late.
The bar is crowded and he’s tired - and they’re late. He checks his watch again, 7:44PM.
“Hello, Sirius,” he looks up to see Alastor moving through the crowded bar, Marlene and Mary trailing behind him. “What are you doing here?”
“Alastor, I’m here for the meeting,” Sirius says. Alastor sits down next to Sirius. Marlene and Mary take the other empty chairs. “Ladies,” he smiles.
“You weren’t invited,” Marlene snaps. She has quite the impressive sneer, if he says so himself.
“Yes,” he laughs. “But, I should have been, seeing as it was my tip that Dumbledore was shopping around for a new firm.”
“Sirius,” Alastor uses a hand to rub at his temple. “I have to think in terms of who’s best suited within the company team.”
“Sir, that’s me. I wanna handle this pitch.”
“Sirius, you sell John Doe better than anyone else in my shop, but these girls…” Alastor looks down at Mary and Sirius has a suspicious feeling that he’s looking at something other than her necklace. “They sell luxury better than anyone in the business. Dumbledore would be our biggest account, we have to put our best foot forward.”
“Yes, sir, they would, to the tune of fifty to sixty million dollars, and I can promise you I am the man for this job, Alastor,” Sirius takes another sip of his drink.
***
Remus moves through the crowded building to try and reach the bar, Dorcas and Lily right behind him. He has the height and elbows to separate the crowds.
“Why this place?” Remus shouts over the music.
“Because it’s perfect,” Lily laughs, gesturing to the hundreds of people packed in the building. “Rosmerta’s is the watering hole for the upwardly mobile.”
Remus looks around the room - lots of nicely pressed suits and fancy dress shoes.
Watering hole indeed.
***
Sirius swirls his drink and sets it back down. “To date, the diamond industry has always targeted men, the message that the woman needs the man to buy her a rock. We flip it.”
“Flip it?” Alastor asks.
“Yeah, sure. We say ‘a diamond is for everyone.’”
“I like that,” Alastor smiles. He takes a sip of his martini - gin, Sirius can smell it from the other side of the table.
“We don’t,” Marlene pipes up. Sirius rolls his eyes. “‘A diamond is for everyone’ sends the message that diamonds are everywhere - not rare, and if they’re not rare, they lose their status,” Marlene looks toward Alastor and bats her eyelashes. “Status is the reason to buy them in the first place, which Sirius would know if he understood women, which you don’t.”
So, Sirius is gay and doesn’t understand women! Big deal, he can still sell a goddamn diamond.
“You can’t feel bad about that, Sirius,” Alastor laughs. “No man does.”
Sirius bites his tongue and glares at Marlene. Of course, she understands women - Sirius is a gay man! If it weren’t for the pure fact that Marlene is a lesbian, Sirius would be filing a complaint with HR right now for homophobia.
***
“Here you go,” the bartender says. Remus grabs the drinks and weaves through the crowd to get back to Dorcas and Marlene.
“Two dirty Shirley’s,” Remus says as he hands Lily and Dorcas their drinks. “And one manly mai tai.” He takes a sip out of his pink straw.
Dorcas points towards a group of guys and elbows him in the ribs. “Come on, don’t pressure him - he’s perusing,” Lily laughs.
“Yes, exactly.” Remus narrows his eyes and scans through the crowd. There are too many people for him to pinpoint any specific one.
“Hey, Remus, why’d you choose to lose a man?” Dorcas asks, using her straw to fish through her drink for her cherry.
“Men are easier to fool,” Remus laughs.
***
“Selling someone a diamond is like making them fall in love. They need to feel…giddy, desirous, adventurous…desperate,” Mary says, a finger twisting around the diamond pendant on her necklace.
Oh, she’s good.
“Take a look around this room, Alastor, most of the people in this bar are looking for just that,” Marlene adds.
“The skills required to market diamonds are the same as those needed to make someone fall in love, yes,” Sirius agrees.
“I’m talking about love, not lust,” Marlene says. “Someone in love, Sirius, wants diamonds, not chocolate.”
And, oh, Sirius cannot have that.
“I’m not talking about lust, either, ladies. I’m talking about the deep, meaningful, boombox-outside-of-your-window, theirs-and-theirs towels, let’s grow old together love. Look, I love love. And I respect love. I do! Relationships and the whole anniversaries and weddings and buying houses stuff - it’s great! And that’s why I can sell myself to anyone, anywhere, anytime.”
“Make someone fall in love with a diamond, Sirius, or with you?” Marlene quirks an eyebrow.
Sirius feels like he’s dug himself a hole that’s about eight feet deep - and the last time he went to the doctor they told him he was a good six foot even, so he’s not sure he's going to be able to get himself out. “Either one,” he answers.
“That’s cocky, Sirius,” Mary smirks at him. She trails a finger around the rim of her martini glass.
“No, not cocky. Confident.”
“I’d like to see you prove it,” Marlene smiles at him. He’s not sure he’s ever seen Marlene smile. He’s starting to wonder if his hole has been dug another foot.
“You would?” Sirius’ eyes widen.
Marlene hums, “The agency is co-hosting a party for the Dumbledores at the Astor Museum - a week from Sunday. Do you think you can make someone fall in love with you by then?”
“Ten days?” He asks.
“Anyone, anywhere, anytime…” Mary smiles. He knew he’d regret saying that!
“Any single, available, interested-in-men person, yes,” he nods.
Now, Sirius likes to think of himself as a wine - much better with time. He usually comes off too strong, too much, too dramatic. Does he actually think someone could fall in love with him in ten days? God no. Sirius is like a book with a beautiful cover, but such poor grammar that no one seems to make it past the first chapter.
Nobody has ever even fallen in love with him in ten weeks, months, years!
But Sirius has dug himself this hole (although he would like to say that Marlene and Mary have each helped shovel a few piles of dirt) and he’s nothing if not dedicated to always being right.
“I’m not trying to trick you, Sirius,” Marlene smiles. Sirius has the distant feeling that she is, in fact, trying to trick him. “We’ll choose someone right here, right now.”
Sirius thinks it over for five seconds and realizes he doesn’t have a way out. There is no ladder or rope or trampoline in his dirt hole.
He sighs and turns to face the crowd of people in the bar. “So, who's going to be the lucky one?”
“There’s the blonde babe in the leopard,” Marlene points. Sirius follows her finger and lands on a tall man in a leopard print crop top and a bleach-blonde buzz cut. Sirius hates blondes. “He looks like fun.”
“Be nice, ladies,” Alastor laughs.
“Oh, hmm, how about Mister Brokeback Mountain,” Mary gestures to a man wearing a beige cowboy hat and red cowboy boots. “Now, he’s on the prowl.”
“No,” Marlene interrupts. “Him.”
Sirius looks in the direction she’s facing, only to be met with a large group of people crowded by the bar. “Him who?” He asks.
“Him in the gray suit. Brown hair, pretty smile,” Marlene says.
Sirius can spot him. He’s tall. He’s got long legs that go on for miles and Sirius is already wondering how they would feel wrapped around his waist. His gray suit is nice. Sirius would guess pricey, but not expensive. It fits him well, but not tailored. Tight in the shoulder and the thighs and loose around his stomach. And he does have a nice smile, friendly and bright and he's got cute dimples.
“Him?” He asks. A part of him hopes she’ll change her mind and another part wants to know what exactly lies under this man’s suit.
Marlene nods. “Him.”
“Done.”
***
“Do you see the guy that’s next to the blonde guy in the ugly purple shirt that I would never consider?” Remus asks. Dorcas and Lily both nonchalantly glance in his direction and turn back to Remus with enthusiastic nods. “Yeah?”
“Very cute,” Lily says. “Go get him.” She grabs his shoulders (which is a bit of a difficult task considering she’s six inches shorter than him) and steers him in the direction of the man.
***
“You’re on,” Sirius smirks. “But, here are the stakes. After I win this bet, this pitch is mine.”
“Agreed,” Marlene smiles.
“Alastor?” Sirius turns to look at Alastor, whose eyes have drifted south down Mary’s body. Scum.
“Agreed,” he mumbles. “You come to that party with a man that’s in love with you, Sirius, and you can make the pitch to Dumbledore.” Alastor grabs his drink off the table and holds it up, “To Dumbledore.”
Sirius clinks his glass against Alastors, “To Dumbledore.”
***
“Well, how are you finding the city?” Remus asks. He leans against the bar and lets his shirt hang loose over his chest. He undid an extra button on his way over.
“Exciting,” the guy smiles. He’s cute, and for an article, he’ll work. His hair needs a better conditioner, his skin could use some moisturizer, and he’s wearing khakis, but Remus isn’t trying to fall in love here. “Yeah, my husband and I love New York, but during this time of year, it’s really great. He used to live here and I…”
Remus’ flirty smile drops off his face and he stops listening. Married. Ugh. He slowly retreats from the conversation, wishing the man a good time in New York and fleeing the scene. He elbows his way through the crowd to get back to Dorcas and Lily.
“Married,” he sighs. “Find me another.”
“Only if you find me another drink,” Lily smirks, dangling her empty glass in his face. He snatches the glass from her and makes his way to the bar.
“Dirty-shirley, please. Extra cherries,” he orders. The bartender smiles at him and if Remus wasn’t technically working he’d consider taking him home.
He leans against the bar and sighs.
“Hi,” he hears. Remus turns and - wow. He’s tall, not as tall as Remus, but then again most people aren’t. Handsome. Incredibly so. He’s got dark hair down to his shoulders and high cheekbones and a sharp jawline.
Oh, he’ll more than do.
Remus glances at his lips briefly before looking him in his eyes. “Hi,” he breathes. The man just looks at him and Remus lets out a breathy laugh. “Remus Lupin.”
“Sirius Black,” he smiles. He has dimples. Remus loves dimples.
“Cute,” Remus laughs.
“Thank you.”
“I meant your name.”
Sirius takes a sip of his drink and smirks, “Thank you two times.”
“Unattached?” Remus asks.
“Currently,” Sirius smiles.
“Likewise…”
“Surprising,” Sirius winks.
Oh, he’s good.
“Psycho?”
“Rarely,” Sirius pauses and makes a show of looking Remus up and down. “Interested?”
“Perhaps,” Remus smirks.
“Hungry?” Sirius asks.
“Starving,” he answers.
“Leaving?”
“Now,” Remus nods. He chugs his drink and takes Sirius’ hand to weave them out of the crowd and to the door. He risks a look back and spots Dorcas and Lily, both watching him in shock.
He smiles and waves at them before reaching the door. He holds it open and Sirius walks through, and Remus steals a look at his ass.
Oh, he will do.
Remus follows Sirius out of the bar, allowing himself to steal another glance at Sirius’ ass.
A shiny black BMW is parked directly outside of the bar - of course he drives a BMW. Remus already clocked the expensive watch on Sirius’ wrist and his well-tailored suit, only fitting he would drive a luxury vehicle too.
Remus pauses by the passenger door - he’ll wait to make Sirius open it for him. For his article.
“No, no,” Sirius says, reaching out to grab Remus’ hand and drag him away from the car. “This one.”
Turns out, ‘this one’ is a motorcycle. Remus doesn’t ride motorcycles. Remus likes doors and seatbelts and roofs. He watches Sirius straddle the motorcycle - dear god - and patiently waits for him to say he’s joking.
“And you get to wear the goofy-looking helmet,” Sirius hands him a pink helmet with a giant daisy on the side. Remus grabs the helmet and inspects it. He’s starting to think Sirius isn’t joking.
“It’s not gonna look goofy on me,” he laughs. He puts the helmet on and smiles at Sirius. Sirius clips the strap under his chin and pushes a curl out of his face.
“That’s pretty damn cute…” he whispers. Sirius holds his hands out and helps Remus on the motorcycle. “There you go.” Remus pushes close to Sirius back - dear god! - and wraps his arms around his waist.
“You ready to go for a ride, Remus?”
“Are you ready for a ride, Sirius?”
Sirius laughs and revs his engine. Remus tightens his grip on his waist and leans closer to his back.
This should be fun.
***
“There you go, yeah,” Sirius laughs. They ended up at some dingy seafood restaurant for dinner, at Remus’ insistence. Remus ordered a bucket of crab legs and complained when he couldn’t crack any of them open.
Sirius’ shrimp have gone cold from cracking Remus’ crab legs.
“So, what do you think?” Sirius asks. He’s got crab leg juice dripping down his arm.
“About the food or you?” Remus smiles. At least Remus has a nice smile. He’s pretty funny, too.
“Both.”
“This,” Remus waves around a crab leg, “Is delicious.” His eyes slowly trail up Sirius’ body. “And I’m still deciding.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“Yeah,” Remus smiles. “You can answer some questions for me.”
Sirius stabs a shrimp with his fork. He doesn’t even like shrimp. “‘Some’ is a little too indefinite for me. You get three.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I’m in advertising,” Sirius answers. “Mostly with alcoholic beverages and athletic companies. I’m trying to break into the jewelry market right now.”
And you're going to be the one to help with that, his mind uselessly supplies.
Remus laughs and finally snaps his first crab leg open. He waves the broken crab leg in Sirius’ face and smiles widely. “So, you’re saving the world one keg party at a time?”
“Something like that…” Sirius watches as Remus quickly breaks open another crab leg, with a surprising amount of ease. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Your work?”
“I work at Composure, it’s a magazine. I know sometimes you jocks have a hard time with reading,” Remus smirks.
Sirius laughs and bites his tongue. “Mmm. The fastest-growing women’s fashion magazine. Anything you want to tell me, Remus?”
“Well, you clearly already know I like men. And I have a rent bill that’s due the first of every month and my landlord seems to appreciate it when I pay it.”
“I’m sure he does. So, saving the world one shopaholic at a time, then?” Sirius stabs another shrimp. It’s ice cold.
“Alright, look here, Perky,” Remus laughs. “I have a masters in journalism from Columbia, my boss loves me, and if I do it her way for a while…I can write about what I want.”
“Like shoes?” Sirius raises his eyebrow.
Remus scoffs and looks away from him. Fuck, now he’s done it. Way to go, Sirius. Only about an hour in and you’ve driven the damn guy away by insulting his work.
“No, no. Like…alcoholic beverages and athletic companies.”
“Thouché,” Sirius smiles. “So, do you think you have me all figured out?”
“Almost,” Remus smiles.
Oh, you haven’t even scratched the surface, baby.
“I still have one more question.” Sirius gestures at him to ask away. Remus cracks another crab leg and some of the juice lands on Sirius’ nose.
“True or false?” Remus looks him in the eyes. He’s got nice eyes - big and brown with ridiculously thick eyelashes. “All's fair in love and war?”
He thinks of Marlene and Mary and the deal he made with them. He thinks of Alastor Moody and his promise. His mind flashes with pictures of the multimillion-dollar account that he will get the opportunity to work on when he gets this man to fall in love with him. He sees diamond necklaces and diamond earrings and diamond bracelets.
All is fair in love and war.
“True,” he finally answers.
Remus smiles.
***
Sirius opens the door to the apartment building and Remus sneaks past him. “Welcome.”
Remus glances around. Typical frat boy apartment with gray furniture and sports posters framed on the wall. Surprisingly clean, though. Probably cleaner than Remus’ apartment. “Nice place,” he says.
“Thank you,” Sirius says. He moves so he’s standing behind Remus and lets a hand slide down to Remus’ lower back. He has to take a deep breath. “Can I get you something to drink?” He whispers.
“Sure,” Remus breathes. He clears his throat. “What do you have?”
“Ah,” Sirius laughs and suddenly the warm presence of his hand on Remus’ lower back is gone and Remus has to shove down the weird disappointment that’s filling his head. “Kind of caught me at a bad time,” Sirius pulls open his refrigerator. “I’ve got beer….and water, uh….and beer.”
“Beer will do,” Remus smiles.
Beer will not do. Remus hates beer! Why would he want to drink his carbs? Of course Sirius only has beer. He drives a motorcycle and only has beer in his fridge. God.
Well, he should be quick to lose.
Former frat boys do not take well to relationships, in his past experience. Remus will probably only have the chance to pull a single stunt before Sirius drops some line about ‘not being ready for a relationship.’
Hopefully he’ll get a fuck out of it, at least.
Sirius is unfairly attractive and Remus was pressed way too close to him on that godforsaken motorcycle.
“Can I use your restroom?” He asks.
Sirius grabs two bottles out of the fridge and uses his other hand to point toward the left. “It’s up the stairs and through the bedroom.”
Remus thanks him and heads that way.
What is he doing? This is ridiculous. This is so stupid and dumb and belittling. Yesterday he wrote an article about fucking world affairs and today he’s trying to think of ways to make some retired frat boy hate him. He has a masters from Columbia!
“Lily?” He asks frantically when the phone call picks up.
“You are, aren’t you?” Lily laughs. “On the first night - oh, I can’t believe you.”
He scoffs. “Lily, I’m not going to sleep with him.”
“Uh-huh. You can’t hide behind lying, Remus,” she says. “He was cute. Nice ass.”
Yeah, Remus thinks. “Well, I have self-control. Unlike some people.”
“That’s rude.”
“Whatever. I’m just going to…to dangle the bait, so to say.” Remus opens the cabinet in Sirius’ bathroom. He sure does have a lot of hair products. Remus can see at least fifteen in this one cabinet.
“What’s the bait?” Lily laughs.
“Me! I’m the bait. I’ll dangle me and then I’ll swim away,” Remus opens another cabinet. Nail polish? Remus picks up one of the bottles and inspects it. Essie! A good brand of nail polish? What is frat boy Sirius doing with a good brand of nail polish?
“Oh,” Lily draws out. “Okay, I’m with you. Then what?”
“You know, take notes and stuff,” Remus closes the cabinet door softly and opens the next one. Bandaids, gauze, floss, toothpaste, mouthwash, a razor, shaving cream, condoms. Condoms?!
“And stuff? You slut.”
Remus resists the urge to inspect the box.
“Lily, I gotta go,” he hangs up before she can say anything else.
***
Sirius digs his lighter out of his back pocket - he really should think about getting looser pants - and starts lighting some candles.
Sirius can be romantic! Sure, James brought these candles here for his failed proposal to Jasmine and then was far too distraught to ever come back and pick them up. But, Sirius is the one who remembered he still had them buried somewhere in his apartment.
He lights the last candle and begins to flip through his collection of vinyl to find which one to put on. He’s really got this romance thing down.
Mary and Marlene are going to eat their words!
He puts on the record he was looking for and adjusts the needle so it’s on the exact song he’s thinking of.
It’s hot in, so hot in here.
Perfect.
He moves to his bedroom and peeks in his mirror to make sure he still looks alright. He runs a hand through his hair and digs around his work backpack for his chapstick - the one that makes his lips look really shiny and irresistible.
I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious.
No! What is he thinking? Sirius moves back to his record player and removes the vinyl.
Romance, Sirius.
A diamond is not a one-night stand. A diamond is a commitment.
Sirius flips through his records again until he finds the perfect one. Thank you, Al Green. You are about to make Sirius a very rich man.
I’m so in love with you.
Sirius blows out some of the candles so only two are lit - for the ambiance. He’s a romantic natural.
The bathroom door opens and Remus walks out, all long limbs and curly brown hair.
Sirius must be really good at this whole ambiance thing because Remus looks really good. Sirius takes a moment to take him in, his tan skin and freckles and curly hair. He’s awfully cute.
Focus, Sirius.
He drags his eyes slowly up Remus’ body, lingering for longer than necessary on his lips. They’re nice lips, to be fair. Pouty and pink and well-shaped.
“My drink?” Remus asks with a smirk.
Sirius blinks and hands him the bottle. “There you go.”
“Thank you,” Remus smiles. He sits on the edge of Sirius’ bed and crosses his legs. God, he’s got long legs. He’s like a tree. Sirius has always liked a tall man. Remus pats the empty space next to him.
Not a one-night stand, Sirius!
Sirius leans against his desk across from his bed. Remus narrows his eyes and smiles at him. He pats the bed again.
Sirius leans further back against his desk.
Do not join the hot man on the bed, Sirius.
Remus takes a sip of his beer. Sirius has to hold back his laugh at the disgusted face Remus makes. Not a fan of beer, then. He’ll have to stock his fridge with some other drinks.
Remus pats the bed again.
Oh, he’s good.
Sirius pats the empty space next to him. Remus huffs and rolls his eyes, but gets off the bed and leans against the desk next to Sirius. He can see Remus’ face much closer this way, in all its freckled and sun-tanned glory.
Remus takes another sip of his beer and Sirius has to avert his eyes. His hands are so big they wrap all the way around the glass bottle, but Sirius is not thinking about that.
He hears the clink of the glass being set down on the desk and turns to see Remus already facing him. Remus’ gaze lingers somewhere around Sirius’ lips and before he has the chance to think about it a strong hand is pressed against his neck and Remus is kissing him.
Sirius aimlessly drops his beer bottle to the floor and starts running his hands all over Remus’ body. He hears the bottle crack in the distance and he’s sure there’s beer spilling all over his carpet but he can’t give himself the will to care with the way Remus is biting at his lip.
Sirius’ mind is going a million miles an hour and he’s having so much trouble focusing. Remus’ hands are everywhere and they’re warm and strong and suddenly his tongue is in Sirius’ mouth.
Not a one-night stand, Sirius!
“Hey, hey,” Sirius pants. Remus pulls back and his lips are pink and wet and oh my god. “Let’s not go too fast, yeah?”
Sirius better get a one-way ticket to Heaven for this.
“Yeah, yeah,” Remus says breathily. “We’re moving too fast, you’re right.”
Remus’ shirt is falling off his shoulder and his hair is a mess and his cheeks are flushed and Sirius has zero impulse control.
His hands move before his mind does and Remus’ tongue is back in his mouth and - well, isn’t that just so much more fun? He runs his hands down Remus’ lower back, stopping and playing with the waistband of his pants.
Remus grabs him so they’re both standing, his mouth not leaving Sirius' the whole time. Remus pushes against him and Sirius’ knees hit the back of his bed. He falls backward and suddenly Remus is hovering over him and his one-way ticket to Heaven has been revoked and he is on the first train down to Hell.
Remus’ hands are everywhere and Sirius’ thoughts are stagnant - Remus, Remus, Remus.
Remus fumbles with the button of his pants and Sirius has to fight back a moan. And Remus’ tongue is suddenly back in his mouth and his hands are warm on his hips.
“Too fast,” Remus breathes against his lips.
Sirius has half a mind to disagree - they’re not going fast enough, before he remembers. He nods, his thoughts slowly coming back to him now that blood is rushing back up to his brain and not down. “Too fast,” he whispers.
Remus' eyes linger on Sirius’ lips for another moment. “I want you to respect me.”
“I do.”
Remus nods and uses his hand to brush a piece of hair out of Sirius's face. He’s still hovering over him, which is not helping with the whole ‘get blood moving to other parts of his body’ situation. “And I want your respect,” Sirius says.
Remus blinks in surprise. “I respect you for respecting me.”
“Good,” Sirius smiles slowly. Remus moves so he’s no longer on top of Sirius and Sirius doesn’t think about how much he wishes he hadn’t.
Sirius leads Remus out of his apartment and walks him down and out of the building before making his way back to his bedroom. He glances longingly at the rumpled sheets left on his bed.
Well, he’s got his hand.
He needs a smoke first.
He digs through his bag and finds his cigarettes, grabbing one and making his way to his balcony. He lights his cigarette and smiles when he sees a taxi pull up and stop in front of his building.
Remus walks out a second later. “Good night, Remus Lupin,” he calls out.
Remus pauses on the sidewalk and turns to look up at him. He smiles that pretty smile and a faint blush forms on his cheeks.
Oh, you are already falling in love with me.
***
Remus smiles up at Sirius and waves goodbye. He’s got his hair tied back and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
Sirius winks at him and Remus turns around to open the door to his taxi.