Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Raymond Holt had taken to having a police scanner in his office shortly after his son had become a uniformed officer. He knew some people in PR probably thought it was absurd. And most days he didn’t even notice the quiet chatter in the background of all the various police officers going about their day-to-day jobs.

              It was just past 10 am, he was working on some inane email when he heard Jake’s voice come across the scanner announcing he and his partner were doing a traffic stop for speeding. Less than two minutes later Stevie Schillens came over the scanner. “This is Officer Schillens, I’ve got a 10-10 S, 10-54S. Repeat 10-54S.” He called out.

              Raymond felt his whole brain go blank, his body becoming numb. An officer had been shot, and if Stevie was the one on the scanner requesting the ambulance that could only mean it was Jake who’d been shot.

              “10-4 Officer Schillens, a bus is enroute. Please advise on the shooter,” Dispatch replied.

              “Dead,” Stevie replied, his voice filled with seriousness.

              Raymond grabbed his coat and moved over to the police scanner. Switching to a private channel he took a steadying breath. “Schillens, this is Holt. Please confirm the hospital they’ll be taking him to.”

              “Yes sir. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s a serious wound, but he’s bleeding quite a bit.”

              Raymond closed his eyes as the pain his son was likely in, that he was likely feeling, swept through him. “Tell him I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

              “Yes sir.”

              Raymond made his way out to his car, not even concerned with anyone in PR. He debated whether he should reach out to Kevin now before knowing what hospital Jacob would be taken to. He was startled out of his thoughts and worry when his radio came to life. “This is Schillens, they’re taking him to NY Presbyterian. En route should be there in 5.”

              “Thank you, Schillens.” Raymond replied. He quickly reached out to an operator and had them connect him to the assistant in Kevin’s department, someone would have to interrupt his class, which Raymond knew Kevin would hate, but he couldn’t risk Kevin out finding another way.

              Raymond pulled out of the parking garage and raced through the streets with his own sirens blaring, something he didn’t usually ever do, as he headed towards the hospital. Worry filled his every fiber at the thought of Jake lying on a gurney. He’d known, of course, when Jake had decided to become a cop, that this could occur. He’d hoped it wouldn’t happen. But he’d known it was a potentiality. That didn’t make this moment any easier. He pulled into the ER parking lot, finding the first spot he could, before he raced through the automatic sliding doors, feeling far more frantic than he could ever remember.

              He stopped at the nurse’s station and debated how to get through. Opting for the official route, he pulled out his badge. “My name is Captain Raymond Holt, one of my officers was just brought in.” The lie was easy if it meant getting to his son quicker

              “His name?”

              “Jacob Peralta.” It had been Jake’s decision not to use his adopted name but rather use his birth name.

              “I want to use my own birth name. I won’t use your laurels to get me through the force. I want to be known for being good on my own.”

              Raymond could remember feeling utter pride when his son had suggested making his own way in the police force.

              “They’ve just brought him in, he’s in bay 3, I don’t know if they’ll let you stay back there, but you can at least go back there and check on him.” she offered.

              Nodding he made his way through the additional door that led back into the ER trauma bays, this time at a slower pace. He didn’t want anyone to kick him out for acting abnormally. He heard the shouting almost immediately as he passed the first bay. He quickened his pace and stepped over towards the third trauma bay and he felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight.

              Rationally, Raymond knew what a gunshot victim looked like. He understood that there was a wound and that there’d be blood and chaos. But standing just past the curtains, he froze as he saw his son trying to fight the staff on a gurney, stripped of his shirt, clearly panicked.

              “Jacob!” He shouted, causing everyone to freeze. Familiar brown eyes caught his and, in an instant, Jacob collapsed, completely still onto the gurney, and let out a soft sob as he used his good arm to cover his face.

              “I don’t know who you are, but at this point, if you keep him calm, you can stay,” a doctor, Ray presumed, an older man in a white coat and dark blue scrubs offered as Raymond stepped over the various detritus on the floor. Raymond stepped behind Jacob’s head so that he remained out of the way. He could see the nurse to Jake’s right wanted to use the boy’s good arm, his left currently being the one with the bullet hole in it.

              “Jacob, son, put your arm down so they can take care of you.” Raymond kept his tone on the right side of an order. If Jacob needed orders to keep his mind calm, then Ray could do that for his child.

              The arm came down, the nurse gripping it to get a line of saline and likely blood in the boy. “His blood type is B positive,” he offered to her. She glanced up and gave him a small smile.

              “Great, I’ll have someone go get a liter.” She replied.

              “Dad,” Jake whimpered, his eyes clenched closed. Raymond looked around to see if anyone had heard the boy and decided to kick the father out. But if any of them had heard, they didn’t seem to be concerned.

              “I’m here, Jake,” Raymond replied as he gently cupped Jacob’s head in both his hands, running his thumbs over his son’s damp cheeks.

              Jake let out another sob as the doctor poked around the wound. “It hurts so bad.”

              Raymond hated to hear his son in so much pain. It broke his heart, all he wanted was to take the pain for his child. But he knew it wasn’t possible. Instead, he just kept up his gentle caress of his son’s face, hoping to calm the young man further. “I know. They are going to determine if the bullet is still lodged in there and if you need surgery. If you don’t, they’ll give you something for the pain.”

              “I’ll give him something for the pain in a moment, either way,” the nurse from a few minutes earlier offered with a gentle smile.

              “Am I gonna die?” Jake asked her, looking at her with his big brown eyes.

              She gave Jake a sweet smile. “No, sweetheart. It looks like it hit your shoulder. The doctor is worried about your collarbone and shoulder blade.”

              “It was just a routine traffic stop.” Jake whimpered looking back at his dad. “I did everything right, Dad, I swear.”

              Raymond nodded and in a moment of utter insanity, he leaned down and pressed his lips to his son’s forehead. “I’m sure you did, Jacob. Just take a deep breath, son.”

              “Alright, we’re ready to move him, we are going to take him up to radiology, and then probably to surgery since there’s no exit wound. Surgery is on the 2^nd floor.” The doctor offered.

              Ray nodded and looked back down at his boy. “I must go, Jake. You’re going to be alright. When you wake, your Abba and I will be there.”

              “Okay,” Jake’s voice shook as he replied before they unlocked the gurney wheels and took him away. Leaving Ray behind in a seat of gauze, and blood. He looked down at the floor, feeling a roll of nausea in his stomach before he pushed forward and headed back out into the waiting room. His son was awake, he was coherent. He would be fine. Those words became a mantra in his head as he slowly made it back outside and took a seat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs.

              His son had been shot today. And for the first time, Raymond felt horrible aching guilt that he’d allowed his son to follow in his footsteps. He lowered his head into his hands.

o0o

              Kevin had been amid a lecture about Milton when one of the interns stepped into his room and quickly made her way to the front podium. “I’m sorry to interrupt professor.” She replied as she handed him a piece of paper and quickly left.

              Kevin’s brows furrowed as he glanced down at the folded piece of paper and unfolded it: ‘Jacob has been injured in the line of duty. NYC Presbyterian, come asap.’ It read and he felt his heart sink, his stomach churn as he stumbled over to a chair and sank into it.

              “Dr. Cozner?” One of his students spoke up in the front row, he was a sweet young man, Kevin had thought a few times. Very bright and full of enthusiasm.

              “Class dismissed.” He choked out before he turned and began to pack his things, trying to fathom how he was going to drive himself to the hospital. He was vaguely aware that the students seemed confused, but many didn’t wish to question his order.

              Grant, that was his name, Kevin recalled, stepped up to Kevin’s desk. “Sir, can I help you?”

              Kevin looked up in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

              Grant held up his hands. “I don’t need to know anything, but you’re shaking. I don’t know what’s going on, but if you’re planning to drive somewhere or ride transit, I’d feel better if maybe someone drove you. It’d be safer, sir.”

              Kevin paused and looked down at his trembling hands, as he curled them tightly around his briefcase. He closed his eyes, taking a moment to breathe, though the emotions got caught in his throat as he thought of his beautiful son injured. “I would be amenable to that.” He replied softly.

              Grant nodded, “I can take you in my car, if that’s okay. I know it may be inappropriate, so whatever you think is best. But that way I can just drop you off.”

              Kevin considered it for a moment, normally he’d never allow such a thing. But the little he knew about Grant; he was an honest kid who just liked to help people. Kevin had never heard any suspicious behavior from the boy, so he likely wouldn’t get in trouble from this. Though, Kevin would make sure to tell his husband all the same just in case, as well as the Dean. “That would be alright.” He glanced over at Callie who was standing off to the side also looking concerned. “Miss Thorton, could you please let the head of my department know that a family emergency has come up and that I’m riding with Mr. Paxton to the hospital at his offer?”

              “Of course, Dr. Cozner. I hope everything is all right.” She moved over to Grant, giving the boy a quick peck on the lips. “I’ll see you later, babe.”

              “I was unaware you two were together, congratulations.” Kevin offered.

              Grant chuckled. “It’s still a bit new, a couple of months. Come on, let’s get you to the hospital.”

              Kevin didn’t remember much of the drive, Grant chatted for a few minutes but overall had been quiet, allowing Kevin to worry silently to himself. Grant pulled up outside the hospital, and Kevin tossed a quick thank you out before he hurried out of the car and into the building.

              His stomach churned, mind whirling with horror story after horror story of what was happening to his beautiful, precious boy. He could remember Ray getting shot when Jake was around eight, they’d both been utterly terrified. This felt a hundred times worse. It felt as if someone was gripping his heart in an unrelenting, crushing hand.

              He hurried to the nurse’s station, his hands trembling as he rested them on the counter. “My son, Jacob – Officer Peralta was brought in.”

              “Kevin,” a familiar baritone called out to him, and Kevin whirled to see Raymond standing there in his uniform looking equally gutted as Kevin felt.

              “Raymond,” he whispered in relief as he all but threw himself in his husband’s arms. It was far more than their usual PDA, but at the moment he didn’t have it in him to care.

              Raymond held tight to him, and Kevin took a moment to appreciate the grip. They rarely ever did PDA, but now, all Kevin wanted was to know someone was in the same boat as him. “He will be alright. The doctors came out just a few minutes ago and said he’s out of surgery already. They’re going to keep him until the anesthesia wears off, and then he can go home. They provided me with his recovery room number, I was waiting on you.” Soothed Raymond.

              Kevin felt a million emotions all at once. Relief that Jake was alright, anger that this had happened in the first place. Fear that it would happen again one day. Kevin swallowed it all down, taking a shaky breath, before he followed Raymond up to the second floor. They headed back through the double doors of the recovery area, and after three other patient bays, they came to a stop at the fourth one.

              Kevin looked at his son. He was asleep, paler than Kevin had seen him in a very long time. He was also painfully still, which Kevin hated. This was the boy who was always in perpetual motion. He wasn’t meant to be still. Kevin turned and slowly walked over to his only child. For a moment he saw the little toddler they’d brought home so many years ago. Precious and sweet, full of affection for anyone and everyone. Kevin blinked and once again the figure in the bed before him was his grown son.

              Jake’s left arm was wrapped and immobilized in a sling against his chest to stabilize it. There was a visible path of cause under Jake’s scrub top as well.

              “He’s alive, Kevin. He’s fine.” Raymond assured.

              It was the wrong thing to say to the terrified father. Kevin’s head snapped towards his husband, fury alight in his blue eyes. “He’s fine!?” Incredulity filled his tone. “He’s not fine, Raymond. There’s a hole in him where there ought not be!” he snapped. He knew he was in danger of causing a kerfuffle, but the thought of his beautiful baby boy lying here.

              He felt a gentle hand grip his and his gaze instantly shifted to the bed where Jake’s brown eyes were blinking up at him. They were a bit unfocused, likely from the drugs he was on, but there was indeed a soft smile there. “I’m okay, Abba.”

              Kevin could’ve wept with relief, perhaps he did, because the next thing he knew he was sitting in a chair beside Jacob’s bed and pressing his head to the boy’s good arm. “Are you?” he finally asked when he looked up again. He was fully aware that there were tears on his cheek as he reached a shaking hand out to stroke through Jacob’s hair.

              “I am, dad. They gave me the good drugs.” Jake joked softly, closing his eyes for a moment.

              Kevin let out a choked sob, standing for a moment to press a soft kiss to his son’s head. “I love you, so much, little one,” he murmured.

              There was silence for a few moments, as the fathers and sons lived in a moment of pure relief.

              “You’re going to need to speak with someone to file your report.” Raymond offered quietly.

              Kevin’s glare returned as he looked back at his husband. “Absolutely not.” He snapped. “I’m taking our son home. He will rest and you can complete your report tomorrow.”

              Some part of Kevin, the civilized part, knew that blaming Raymond for this was unfair. Raymond loved Jacob as much as Kevin did. He was just as much Ray’s little boy as he was Kevin’s. But the part of Kevin that abhorred violence, that hated the idea of the two most important men in his life putting their lives on the line for this ungrateful city, the father who feared the call that his boy had been killed in the line of duty as much as the husband, was livid with Raymond.

              “Kevin—”

              Kevin stepped away from their child, glowering at Ray in what Jake would usually call ‘Papa Bear mode’. “You did this. He put that badge on his chest because he idolizes you. So, you can write that fucking report. I’m taking my son home to rest as soon as I can.”

              Ray’s head fell forward, chin on his chest, clearly shamed.

              “Abba.” Jake began, but the look in Kevin’s eyes, whatever Jake saw, was enough to silence the younger man.

o0o

              Raymond stepped into their townhome several hours later. The day’s events weighed heavily on his mind, as heavy Kevin’s words. Ray sighed and sank into the chair in his office. Truth was, he felt guilty over Jacob’s injury long before Kevin had ever said those words.

              Ray knew that logically; he had no part in Jake’s injury. He hadn’t pulled the trigger, and he hadn’t forced Jacob to join the police force. No, Ray was man enough to admit while he loved the idea of his son becoming a cop like him, another part of Ray hated the idea. It meant his son was always going to be in danger.

              “Are you alright?” Kevin’s soft baritone voice asked as he stepped into Ray’s office doorway.

              Ray looked up, eyelids heavy with exhaustion as he interlaced his fingers together and rested his head atop them. “No.” He murmured the reply.

              Kevin sighed before he stepped further into the office and took a seat across the desk from his husband. “I admit, I overreacted earlier. I’m sorry.”

              Ray shrugged. “You spoke your mind. Feelings I was already lambasting myself for.”

              “Raymond—”

              He held his hand up to stave off Kevin’s rebuttal. “Don’t.” He looked away, staring out the window to the small backyard. Thinking of all the times he’d watched Jake running in the back and playing with Gina. “It is a strange dichotomy to be filled with overwhelming pride at my brilliant son, the policeman but then overcome with sheer terror at the thought of all the horrific things that could hurt him, kill him, or leave him embittered and changed.” Raymond offered before he turned back to his husband and smiled ruefully for a moment. “I imagine this is often how my mother must feel.”

              “I am certain it is,” Kevin replied gently, a soft little smile of his peeking through. Standing, Kevin rounded the desk and wrapped his arms around Raymond’s shoulders, resting his head on top of his husband’s. “It’s how I feel about both of you. I am sorry for my anger. This wasn’t your fault. I know you’d do anything to shelter Jake from harm. That you’d give your own life to protect his.” Kevin pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Ray’s head.

              “I would,” Raymond whispered, his voice rough with more emotion. He wrapped his arms around Kevin’s and held on for a moment. If he turned his head and buried his face in Kevin’s bicep to hide the tears and muffle the quiet sob, then no one would blame him.

              Kevin accepted his role, as the last line of defense against his husband’s own self-hatred. Ray wasn’t sure how long they sat like that before Kevin pulled back and Raymond straightened. “How is our Jake?”

              “Alright, sore. Gina just left, citing that Jake had fallen asleep. I was going to start dinner soon.”

              “Very well. I’m going to go up and check on him.” Raymond replied, standing, needing a little longer to properly compose himself.

              Ray stood in his son’s doorway, memories of the sweet little boy he’d brought home, begging for one more story and one more goodnight kiss. The little boy insisted he didn’t need to be tucked in but would later climb into their bed after a nightmare. The moody preteen trying to hide the abuse he’d suffered at the hands of his biological father. The handsome teen who’d been devastated by Jenny Gildenhorn. The brilliant college kid who’d shocked everyone with his detective skills early on. The new cop who quietly had asked to go by Peralta because he’d wanted to make a name for himself alone. Said boy was currently snoring softly, sleeping at a slight angle to relieve the pressure from his shoulder.

              Ray moved across the room, and sat down on the other side of Jake, smiling as the boy shifted and curled into him, out of age-old habit.

              “Sometimes, I wish we could go back and have that giggly little mischief maker,” Kevin commented from the doorway.

              Raymond smiled, running his fingers through Jake’s curls. The boy needed a haircut. “Yes, but I do love seeing who he’s become.”

              “He’s certainly a bit of both of us isn’t he,” Kevin smiled.

              “Yes, he certainly is.” Raymond answered fondly. “Our sweet boy.”

End      

Chapter Text

            It was just past 10 am, he was working on some inane email when he heard Jake’s voice come across the scanner announcing he and his partner were doing a traffic stop for speeding. Less than two minutes later, Stevie Schillens came over the scanner. “This is Officer Schillens, I’ve got a 10-10 S, 10-54S. Repeat 10-54S.” He called out.

              Raymond felt his whole brain go blank, his body becoming numb. An officer had been shot, and if Stevie was the one on the scanner requesting the ambulance, that could only mean it was Jake who’d been shot.

              “10-4 Officer Schillens, a bus is en route. Please advise on the shooter,” Dispatch replied.

              “Dead,” Stevie replied, his voice filled with seriousness.

              Raymond grabbed his coat and moved over to the police scanner. Switching to a private channel, he took a steady breath. “Schillens, this is Holt. Please confirm the hospital they’ll be taking him to.”

              “Yes, sir. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s a serious wound, but he’s bleeding quite a bit.”

              Raymond closed his eyes as the pain his son was likely in, that he was likely feeling, swept through him. “Tell him I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

              “Yes, sir.”

   Rationally, Raymond knew what a gunshot victim looked like. He understood that there was a wound and that there’d be blood and chaos. But standing just past the curtains, he froze as he saw his son lying there on the gurney, drenched in blood, the bullet wound far too close to his heart for any real comfort.

The monitors wailed as nurses and doctors worked to get his son’s sinus rhythm back. “Jacob!” he shouted, ready to step forward.

“Get him out of here!” A doctor yelled.

“That’s my son!” He wasn’t an emotional man, even with a child like Jacob, who had been overly emotional many times. Mostly, Raymond had always been able to control his emotions, but suddenly fear coursed through him, unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

“I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t be in here while we work on him.” Despite the nurse’s small stature, she was able to remove him from the room, and an orderly gently came to lead him back to the emergency room waiting area.

“Raymond?” Kevin approached several minutes later, looking caught between terrified and relieved to see him. “Any news?”

Before Raymond could answer, the doctor who’d been in the room with his son stepped out, and in an instant, Raymond knew the look on the man’s face. It was the same look he’d had thousands of times throughout his career when giving bad news to family.

“No,” Raymond whispered.

The doctor’s shoulders fell, “I’m so sorry. It was closer to the heart than we realized. The bullet tore through his aorta. Once he started bleeding, we couldn’t stop it in time.”

“No,” choked quietly, as he sank into the chair behind them, burying his face in his hands. “Not my baby.”

Raymond just stood there, in the middle of the packed waiting room, feeling incredibly and painfully alone. “Can…may we see him?”

The doctor nodded, “Of course, follow me.”

Raymond didn’t know if Kevin had followed, as he followed the doctor back into the ER once more. They came to the room Jake had been in, and the doctor stepped back. “Take all the time you need.”

Stepping inside, Raymond stood like a statue, then he noticed Kevin moving towards their beloved boy. “Raymond,” Kevin’s voice called to him, but all Raymond could do was stare at his only child. He’d never wanted children until he’d met Jacob.

“Raymond?” Kevin spoke again.

Pale, lifeless, and having left Raymond bereft of his anchor. Away in an ocean of agony and unspeakable emptiness.

“Raymond!”

The shake jolted him, and in an instant, he was no longer standing in the used ER room, but rather in his bedroom. Heart hammering beneath his ribs, sweat coating his skin, and dampening his pajamas. All the while, Kevin studied him with a look of deep concern.

Raymond said nothing, merely swung his legs over the bed, slid his slippers on, and calmly strode out of their room. He must’ve looked like a madman to Kevin. Two doors down was Jacob’s room. His hand briefly faltered over the doorknob, as fear cloyed at his belly, afraid to find an empty room. Stubbornly, Raymond took a steadying breath and pushed the door open.

In an instant, all the fear and tension melted at the sight of Jacob asleep against the small mountain of pillows he and Kevin had arranged for him. Chedder, currently resting across Jake’s lap, lifted his head in interest at the sight of his dad.

Moving forward, Raymond sat on the edge of the bed and took in the long, slender nose, the dark curls, greasy from two days of being unable to shower. He was perfect, Raymond thought idly. He’d wondered many times before if that’s how all parents felt about their babies. Logically, he knew that Jacob wasn’t genetically his or Kevin’s, and yet the pride and love he felt at the beautiful, wonderful child they’d made was profoundly overwhelming.

Brown eyes fluttered open, as if sensing his father was watching him. Jake’s brows furrowed at first, before giving Raymond a tired smile, and in an instant, Ray felt the vise around his heart finally release.

“I’m okay, I promise,” Jake promised his father with a reassuring smile. “Are you?”

Ray nodded, lips quirking at the edges just slightly. “I am now. Do you require anything?”

“Wouldn’t say no to your company til I fall back to sleep,” Jake replied.

Raymond could gather that it wouldn’t be long, but he slipped from his slippers and climbed under the covers all the same, replacing some of the pillows with his chest. Revealing in the feel of his child curled against him once more, warm, breathing, and mostly whole.

Carefully wrapping an arm around him, Raymond began to quietly speak, knowing Jake was listening to the vibrations from his chest, like he had as a toddler and young boy. When Raymond lifted his eyes from his son, he saw Kevin leaning in the doorway, looking utterly besotted. Raymond’s heart ached with love for these two men, and he knew he’d do anything to ensure Kevin never had to look like the man from his dream.

“I love you so much,” Raymond murmured into the brown curls, as Kevin slipped into the bed on Jake’s other side. They’d fit much better in the queen-size bed when Jake had been small, but they made do now as Chedder shifted to get more comfortable across three sets of legs.

“We both do,” Kevin whispered in reply as he curled protectively around their baby. They didn’t speak of the nightmare or their fears; instead, quietly basking in their son’s continued existence.