Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The game had felt so real until you were brought fully back to life on Alternia as if waking up from a fever dream straight into a nightmare.

It’s confusing, waking up, like you’ve been caught in a delusion, but you quickly see Karkat’s memo, quickly put together that whatever you’ve been experiencing is real. It’s terrifying and overwhelming. You feel humiliated you ever thought you could escape this place, lost in a fantastic mirage, but it doesn’t matter anyway.

You were always made to be composed of pixels.

You are able to make out that time has passed here, (almost two sweeps) and you read up on current events immediately, but it doesn’t matter, because soon enough you’re not going to be a part of this world either. Why do you even try to cling to philosophies, to realities you aren’t to be a part of? The game was real, you know that, you know that from that one memo Karkat sent out and the responses to it. Unless that was some sort of psychotic haze as well, with your mutated pan finally blurring everything completely. But you don’t know how to cope otherwise, and you can see the duality behind how real and unreal this all becomes, so you just accept in your bloodpusher that it was. That the game was real.

The same way the fact that you are a troll is real. The same way your consciousness is real. The same way the fact you are alive is real. 

It happens so quick, like the second you came back some alarm went off. You assume perhaps it was Karkat’s memo, that you were all being monitored. You don’t even get a chance to say anything to anyone. All you receive is one message from an unlikely source. The ping goes off, and it’s the last thing you see, a glance on your screen, before the new, quick nightmarish flash of Alternian cognizance, disappears too.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CA: run

The flood of connections into your pan at first is completely undecipherable to you. There are flashes. Green neon in blue dawns or the glow of your computer screen. But they happen beyond what they are; they are not in any sort of realm of language. It reminds of you trying to think while your psionics fizzle violently through your think pan. That connection itself is like a ray of light devoured by blackness. It disappears and you’re onto confusion again. Like the brief flare of fear that you’re being immutably damaged.

Sometimes you think it’s in a light blue, almost white, like some sky you saw by some beach right at morning before you fell asleep safe in someone’s arms. Then you see your recuperacoon, except that can’t be right because there are other connections tied to the idea of a recuperacoon that don’t follow, but you see the shape and the word pops into your head. Like bright fluorescent lighting. Eating shit food while being schoolfed information so basic you learnt it yourself sweeps prior. Hours and hours of coding, except that it means nothing to you. Like binary that means nothing, the same way letters blur to be meaningless. It’s all foreign and surreal. But there’s nothing to ground you. It changes and you can’t remember anything before it happens again.

Your vision floods with brilliant magenta. For some reason, it makes you ache.

YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN WITH GREAT HONOUR TO BE A HELMSMAN OF THE EMPIRE. YOU ARE UNDERGOING NECESSARY REWIRING. STAYING CALM CAN HELP THIS PROCESS. FAILURE RESULTS IN IMMEDIATE CULLING.

Fear ravages your mind, long enough for you to actually notice that it is anything at all, to gain some sort of awareness. You can’t remember the message after it fades, but you do know it’s your worst fear, and it’s beyond language once again, but the feeling stays instead of being swallowed immediately by fractured spikes of electricity. You can’t let go of your doom until you’re saturated with memories.

Some of the memories seem more distant, like perhaps they’re not truly yours but yours adjacent. But they adjust into your head as real as any of the rest. You see so much red and blue, sparks, planets and stars and your own think pan being damaged. But what you hold onto in some deep sense, is the flashes of people.

You see Aradia, and your heart swells. You can see her in every colour, throughout time and throughout weather. Messages and late day calls and her looking at you with love in her eyes before you kill her. You see her sweet face basking in the glow of the green sun with you close to her. It seems infinite, the memories you have of her, but throughout all those combinations of possibilities you see her in, there is some sort of care there that makes her feel wholly safe.

You see so many people though, so many others; you see love between people you never thought you could even care about, like Equius touching you gently after you find out Aradia has entered a kismesistude with Feferi. You see Karkat’s look of shy confusion when you grab his wrist harshly, insult him, then kiss him. And Feferi’s blood staining Kanaya and your clothing before watching Kanaya attacked too by Jack, your hands shaking, somehow without access to any powers at all. You see yourself kiss Vriska, of all people, and you see Terezi giving you tips on how to excel while blind. You see everyone you know do horrible things and everyone you know do extraordinary things, and once you realise that you also have access to seemingly unlimited resources of these memories deaths, and what happens after, your think pan floods with tales of the dream bubbles as well.

The possibilities feel infinite, but the more likely ones slot themselves into your mind as what actually seems to be real. Like how Aradia shines so brilliantly, like there’s something lost in the lives you’ve lived without her. Or how often early on, in lives or afterlives, you are drawn to Karkat. A lot of it makes sense, given the life you have lived, but not always, and you turn the memories and lives into the concepts of these people so they’re real and you’re not alone.

The thing, though, that shocks you the most is the glaring significance of Eridan Ampora.

It hurts. You don’t understand why it hurts. Shouldn’t they have the technology to make it so it’s at least not so physically painful?

Your pan is working enough again for you to realise the situation you’re in. You can’t quite process it, but that might be an emotional problem, given this is your absolute worst fear and complete horrors are going to be done to you for the rest of your life. 

You’re prompted to follow simple directions, like games in your head, navigating physical space as if you’re actually there, but you’re nearly certain you’re still unconscious. You’re very good at it (it’s fucking easy), and you advance quickly, and learn the different ways to control certain elements of the environment artificially placed in your think pan. As it gets more difficult, it also expands to electrical components and names for the levels. Your job for most of it is just regulation, from temperature to speed. The one thing you notice is that all the information fed into your pan at once can practically be felt simultaneously. But there’s actually not much to the regulation, and it’s really just boring while your pan feels like it’s being fried.

The more elements that are added to the simulation, the less weight any of your thoughts have. They are simply another component, and you can ignore them. Like when they add your body sensations back, and you realise how much in pain you truly are, your arms bent out of shape, everything aching, wires deep into your flesh, it’s but another thing to regulate. You do not have to spend much time thinking of the pain unless you want to. And you don’t want to. So you process it distantly and as quickly as possible.

When you’re eventually moved onto a ship, your first thought is to crash it, and that thought immediately triggers deep electrocution that feels like intense shocking burns. It hurts so much, and you’re put out black, but when you find yourself again on a ship, the same thoughts come.

This happens forty-three times.

You learn to control your thoughts.

You think of moving asteroids, think of saving your friends, think of Eridan’s stupid fucking face this one time you kissed him in the afterlife the second he got there, just because he’d been tortured before being killed, and he was frantic and traumatised. You were his matesprit into the foreseeable future.

That time was strange. Generally, it took time for you and Eridan to find each other. It puzzles you. It’s like you were fated for one another, maybe he’d say you were fated matesprits (though often you’d just be moirails, but you remember what it’s like to kiss him, and you think yeah, matesprits). The thought of him saying that, however, makes you embarrassed to even know him, which explains why it took so long, why it took time or kismesitude or forced friendships to make the two of you see what now, to you, seems so obvious.

Sometimes you think about how he is still alive, how you want to presume they all are. Sometimes you torture yourself by thinking about how he probably just sees you as the guy he blinded in a duel, the guy who dated the girl he liked, the guy who didn’t give a fuck about him at all, including his lame black solicitations. You wonder if he’d care that you disappeared. You seem to remember him warning you, so perhaps? You also sometimes torture yourself by thinking about Aradia finding out you’re missing. Most of the time you can’t think about her though.

Sometimes you wonder if these floods of memories are real. You wish you could talk to anyone, even Vriska, about it. Is the reason you’re so focused on Eridan because his trollian was the last thing you saw before you went dark? Is your pan fabricating all of this? If Eridan found out about these thoughts, would he just mock you for them?

You wonder a lot about how much time has passed. You wonder if something bad happened that makes any of these questions frivolous. You wonder and wonder and wonder and ignore the fact that you are constantly in agony and can’t think about anything treasonous without being tortured and reset. 

It’s not until you’ve been running the spaceship for an undetermined (very long) period of time, that everything goes dark suddenly.

You’re screaming when you wake. 

You feel a hand against your cheek (your cheek? Your body? You thought you felt your body before, but this is different, this is your body). You’re unmistakably aware you’ve been disconnected from the ship, and it occurs to you now that no matter how much agony with electrocution they put you through, this was the torture that was enough to make you submit to anything.

You feel it all, you feel the aches of your body, you feel the fear coursing, rough adrenaline while you remain hanging up, your arms above your head, your body against a wall, and you open your eyes to see a cerulean blooded female troll, shoulder-length hair and sparkling black lips, staring right at you.

You think of Eridan, and you don’t care what he remembers of you, or whether or not all the deep affection you feel for him is misplaced and delusional; you just want him here.

“Hello, Helmsman of the Castor and Pollux Melody, nice to make your acquaintance. My name is Nalera, and I am your official proctor. What would you like me to call you?” she asks, pulling her hand away only to look at a screen to read from. You’re confused. Did you do something wrong? Did your psionics already run dry?

You don’t think you can talk, so you keep your eyes open and stare at her, confused and hurting.

“Helmsman of C.A.P. Melody, I am going to insist you give me a name to call you by,” she adds after a moment of your silence. You’re still unsure how she’s expecting you to speak, but she pulls from behind her a long baton and hits you violently with it. It’s the first time you’ve been physically attacked in a long time, and you give out a grunt, coughing. “Please answer,” she says, quiet and almost pleadingly, like it hurts her that she just hit you forcefully while you’re completely helpless.

“Binary,” you cough out, and it surprises you, the breathless word.

“Okay, Binary, today is the scheduled liftoff, and the mechanics will be very similar to the simulation you have been running, but the experience may feel much different. I’ll give you the basic rundown of the biological aspect, but you will see later today about the rest,” she says. So this has all been a simulation? You’re overwhelmed, and you can’t escape it. You can control your body, but barely, all strung up. You notice you’re in the same shirt as you were before this all started but different pants that are black and button down on the sides. When she steps back, you see a small, mostly empty room with a large lock on the door, some brooms and wires on the dark purple walls and low light, and a large rectangular stand with a switch about chest level connected to a monitor you cannot see.

“What sweep is it?” you ask, the words mangled in a lispy wheeze. 

“You should have the choice to access all that basic information from the mainframe, don’t worry. It should be a lot less confusing than the simulation. I am here to explain the biological aspect, though. I am not the mechanic,” she responds. Why would she need to be a mechanic to know what sweep it is? 

“I just want to know how much time has passed,” you say. She furrows her eyes at you, looking uncomfortable.

“Since you started helmsmen training, it has been just over two sweeps,” she says, before quickly changing subjects. “This,” she points the large button on the tall stand. “Reads three of your most basic emotions.” She presses it, glances at the monitor, and records something in a tablet. 

“What?” you ask. “What were they?”

“Uhh..” she looks a little off-put. “Well, you care to know?” she asks.

“You’re just... just..” There’s a fucking machine connected to you that reads how you feel? Is that not needlessly invasive? You feel even more helpless and scared. “Why is that necessary? What does it say?”

“Sometimes helmsmen check out and stop responding to prompts after sweeps. I need you reactant at first, but after that, it is just your responsibility to pilot the ship,” she says. 

“Why can’t I know?” you ask brokenly, barely able to even respond to her. You can tell you’re making her uncomfortable, which kind of makes up for how embarrassing it makes you feel, even if you are very scared she will start beating you.

“Would it make you feel better if I always read it out loud?” she asks, and you can tell that’s not standard protocol, and for some reason, you are filled with choking gratitude for this troll. You nod avidly.

“Yes.”

“The emotional monitor read ‘helpless, confused, pain,’” she says. “Pain means physical distress, but that is normal considering this is your first day. May I continue?” You nod. “You are kept alive biologically through wires and therefore have no necessity for basic food or digestion, however, I will need to do a physical examination and cleansing on a semi-regular basis. This switch here,” she walks over to you and points to your right on the wall out of reach. “Controls your perception. It will switch you back to the state you are in now, the biological body, without connection to the mainframe, and so forth. You can be in this state for several hours before the ship alarms me, but you also have access to your physical body as well while connected to the mainframe, so you’ll spend most of your time like that,” she explains. You never thought you’d be so excited to be connected to a ship, but you have some hope you can start filtering these sensations again like the simulation, and that seems very important. “Besides the switch here, the only other way your perception switches is if there’s a perceived threat to the ship. I would warn against being said threat,” she says.

“Will I have connection to the internet?” you ask, and the hope must be in your voice because she looks at you sadly.

“You can monitor the internet used by anyone aboard the ship, but you are strictly locked from accessing it yourself. You are free to watch everyone through the cameras as well, though, so it should be a great deal less boring than being stuck in the simulation.” You think she does a very good job putting light to the fact you are a slave being beaten and pan-damaged for an empire that hates you, and you have no chance of living any life but this. “You will also be assigned a quadrant proctor so you can provide slurry to the drones,” she adds. You’re washed over with coldness. It’s the first time you’ve been surprised by your fear this whole time. You can actually feel the nausea in your body. You want to escape.

“I.. I... someone will pail me? While I’m like this?” you ask, voice almost a whine. You’re so pathetic right now. You really thought you were done caring what happened to you.

“Yes, it is your duty to the empire. We are especially in need of more helmsmen, so you cannot be left off the hook,” she answers. You hear the hesitance in her voice. She feels bad for you. But she continues on. “They have power over whether or not to use the perception switch, and they will record your emotional response after. The goal is to have it read pity or hatred, or a secondary romantic response such as respect or care. Besides me and them, no one, besides the mechanic and the captain both whom you should not see unless there is a major problem, will have access to you in this room. There will be an option to alert me of an issue once you get connected,” she plows on. She looks at her tablet. “Alright, I need to do a quick physical examination, and then we’re good to go for take-off. Nice to meet you, Binary,” she beams. You don’t respond.

She puts the tablet in her backpack before she puts her hands on you, and it’s worse than the helplessness of being in the simulation, policed and tortured for your own thoughts, to have her touching you, lifting up your shirt and examining you. You can tell she makes it as quick and utilitarian as possible before she touches the perception switch. 

You find great respite in simply becoming a ship.

Chapter Text

It’s funny how transitions are the worst, as if the reason they aren’t so excruciating is precisely because of what will come. Like Aradia’s death, the disbelief and the guilt and the crisis you were living in, the days you couldn’t do anything but scream and beg and cry, because you couldn’t stand the idea of one more second with her gone from this world, alive in a word you took the best troll out of, so less a future. Yet a future existed, and granted, it wasn’t until you were with her again you felt in any way okay , you turned bitter and cold and protected like a shell, empty, like you could go on--yes. It wasn’t quite as painful as imagining the very life you were living.

And the same was true for the apocalypse. The same was true about knowing you’d become doomed. You could never give up your fucking melodrama , and you could never give up your pain--but you surely could fracture your pan off into some mood episode and live as a bitter husk of what you used to be.

Grief has its stages, and you also just think that when worst comes to worst, your think pan resorts to bipolar.

At least, this is what you tell yourself, some little data strand in the system where consciousness still lives, when the very centre of your entire identity is fried and utilised as a weapon of the very people enslaving you in the first place.

You think perhaps that your life is specifically made of your worst nightmares.

But in some ways, it is easier. You don’t have to feel your body if you push that processing bit off long enough, and it’s so quick, and you don’t have to process much of what your pan would usually have to process anyways, simply because you have more control attached to a mainframe, anyways. You think maybe you can hack this thing, this tremendous agony that is the rest of your life, simply by never ever processing who you are, where you are, or what is happening to you, ever again.

But somewhere along the lines, even if you push yourself away from perceiving your own name, there’s a hopelessness you can’t avoid. Can you really skip out on the loss? Your think pan has access to an infinite amount of memories of getting acquainted with being dead , with being doomed, and it does feel like this, it does resemble whatever that was, but this is different, you think. This you can’t do. There is nothing in this. There’s no way to adjust, there’s only endurance, and that endurance can only exist if you refuse to ever adjust.

And if all of this intellectualization, this fractured repression, this disconnection, can happen in all but a looped millisecond, you’re surely going to focus on every other thing you can because all you have now is your flight, ha, both literal and metaphorical.

Some eager, naive part of you hopes somebody on this ship knows someone you knew, or at least some information on Feferi, since she was the heiress, or even some mention in the news about some candy-red blooded troll mutant, but even though you obsessively check the second you’ve launched and all systems are intact, there is no evidence of anyone. You begin fixating on it, regardless, at every given second, and it’s like you’re torturing yourself. You think every time someone uses caps lock in a message to someone on board it’s Karkat, that every violet blood could be Eridan with a changed handle, that every mention of death or time could be a message from Aradia. And every time there’s even a little bit of proof, you must prove indubitably that it isn’t. 

One time hit really hard because there was this lime blood, mandibleLuminary, and they were so fond of the number 8. And, while they were far too kind to be Vriska, and she wouldn’t have any reason to masquerade as a different blood type, you couldn’t stop looking at every message sent. They didn’t turn their B’s into 8’s like Vriska did, but besides that, the quirk was almost the same. It hurt, every time you saw it, and you even learnt their name was Swoven, a kind male troll, you couldn’t let it go. It wasn’t until the teal on board who was texting Swoven called them when they were really anxious one day, and you could see their face and the fact they most definitely were not Vriska, that it finally sunk in.

You could be light sweeps away from anyone who ever knew who you were. And chances are, with the extent of the empire, this would be true for the rest of your miserable existence, if it even deserved the title of an “existence”.

So now you methodically just check the news, once a night, hoping to not find out that Karkat or Feferi is dead.

You don’t know why, but losing this obscure strand of useless hope for absolutely any connection to who you are is devastating. You process tears on your cheeks. You block it all out and focus back on the ship. The last thing you want is to draw Nalera’s attention to you.

You never want to be in your body again.

Unfortunately, you don’t even have the luxury of being a full-time battery.

Your senses are slammed back into your frazzled pan, and you find yourself once again stuck in your body, and every part of it screams out in agony that you can’t find a way to digitalise. You need this to end immediately.

You open your eyes, and a new onslaught of sensory information you can’t process methodically and apportioned. Nalera is standing back away from you while a teal-lipped troll with long black locks and a half-smile on their face stands in the doorway. The panic you usually handle by processing as a biological aspect of your existence and detaching till the hormones calm down now makes you feel absolutely sick.

“Hello again Binary, I’m here to introduce you to your quadrant proctor, Crefar. She will be assigned until she quits or breaks protocol, alright?” Nalera says. You blink absently. She turns away from you to face Crefar. “Look, he’s a new helmsman, and he prefers to know what the emotional monitor reads,” she walks over to the only closet in the small helmsblock. “There’s the bucket, be easy on him,” she adds, before facing you. “Have.. fun?” she says, then shrugs, and you kind of want to scream at her, or kind of want to elaborately tell her just how this fucking injustice to any concept of morality could be fun, but you can’t find words, and she just passes a paper to be signed after, then turns and walks away, leaving you with the teal-blooded troll named Crefar.

Crefar smiles at you.

“If you’re new, are you willing to talk to me?” she asks, walking over close to you, bucket in hand. She places it right beside where your feet are attached. She then moves her hand to your face, and you’re scared she’s going to hit you, but just takes her finger and moves it back and forth in front of your eyes. “Your freaky irises make it impossible to tell if you’re tracking my hand, so let’s put it this way: do you or do you not want me to turn on the perception switch as in like, do you want to be part ship for this?”

“Yes,” you cough out. It hurts your throat. 

“Really?” she asks, clearly pleased to get a response from you. “Should I?” She moves her hand towards the switch just to pull it away again and give you a mocking quizzical look.

The only way you think you could get through this is as a ship. You fucking need the empire to fry your think pan right now. Sounds nice, thanks.

“Please,” you add, hoping pleading will convince her. But the smile she gives you makes you feel like you’ve done something much, much sicker. There’s something in her eye you don’t like, but you don’t care if she presses that switch. Is she not going to because you so clearly want it so desperately?

“Alright, honey,” she says, and the term of endearment actually catching in your chest. Why should you even have to breathe, so less breathe wrong? If you can’t eat food, then why do you feel like you’re going to vomit? 

But true to her word, she presses the button, and you get the relief of binary.

You can’t fully ignore the sensation of her unbuttoning the pants you’re wearing, and certainly not the intensity of her touching you. You know that computers can’t simultaneously run data, even if you can make it so contiguous in the sequential manner. Usually, you can field your biological sensations while focused on other digital regulation, but her violation sends rough spikes of overwhelming nausea through your system, unavoidable. 

You zone out, desperately trying to monitor and optimise the ship’s energy output when she starts fucking you, but everything in your data processing seems to get rather blurry. It’s hard to remember the simplicities of mathematics. It’s hard to remember how to check on any system at all. You are kind of gone.

In that, you miss out she’s speaking, articulating on thrusts, and you try to parse out what she’s saying. You feel her hand loosely around your throat, and it tightens.

“Can’t, fuck, a fucking, corpse,” you make out. The amount of awareness of your own violation that takes itself turns you to flee into code. “I will press that fucking switch. React.” Cold fear washes over you. It motivates you to process your bodily responses, pollution encroaching your nervous system. Absently, you feel her hand on your face, wiping away what must be tears. You’re crying. It must excite her. She fucks you harder, coming shortly after, making obscene noises. She pulls away, slurry underneath squelching into the bucket. You’re so relieved about it ending, you’re thrown off guard when you feel her hands on your bulge. You retreat instinctually and check the oxygen and temperature levels of every room on the ship.

She says more, first it just sounds mocking so you completely tune it out, only having to process the fact she’s speaking at all, but she seems to get frustrated, saying this would go faster if you just felt it, that it’s good, but it doesn’t feel good; you feel sick.

In fact, it’s not until you let yourself be so utterly disconnected from the situation, checking and rechecking every possible task and level upon the ship, that you can be distant enough to react more. It’s not like she can leave until you also provide your genetic material, so you try to imagine anything else happening to let it feel good. You get so lost in it all, confused at the pleasure you try to rid of immediately in a way that makes the whole thing ruinous and riddled with complicity, and revolted by the sound in the bucket. She leaves shortly after that, and you try to refuse to have any perception at all.

Being ripped away from the mainframe makes you gag. Your senses flood in, inescapable, and you can feel the violation all over your body even though it’s over. You feel a hand on your face, and it throws you immediately, and you start hyperventilating.

Your eyes snap open, and you see it’s just Nalera, fully clothed, and she pulls her hand away immediately. She just sort of stands there until your inability to breathe subsides, and you’re dizzy and feel like your body is buzzing. You can smell the slurry in the room, and it makes you gag again, nothing but a bit of bile dripping over your lips. Nalera slowly moves to wipe it away, and you watch her, trying to remain more calm.

“Please,” you say, hoping she will let this end. Could she kill you? And why did she press that switch? Remaining digital is almost like becoming nothing, especially when there’s nothing but the discomfort in your body to process. Why has she taken that relief from you when the troll that just pailed you at least let you stay distant?

“I’m sorry,” she says. And it sounds like she means it. “Do you understand that you ran the temperature too hot?” That can’t be right. You try to reach for the controls, but you’re locked out. You’re so dizzy and everything feels so fake to you. You’re thankful your biological system also has a way of making things distant, you vaguely feel. But then she slams something blunt against your ribs, and it’s sharp sensation, the blow, and pierces through.

“Sorry,” you gasp out.

“Look, it wasn’t enough to set the usual danger response into action, hence why I came here, and honestly it’s a bit nice for the lower bloods and not that bad for me, but the highbloods have been complaining, so I need you to make sure to regulate the temperature more carefully, or I’m going to have to bother the mechanic about restrictions on what a “danger” response is.” She presses the switch, and you’re so relieved. You do see you’ve messed up the temperature regulation by a few degrees. You also note that the helmsman is a few degrees too hot too. You must have calibrated it off yourself. You can’t control your own fever, but you immediately fix the temperature issue. You’re mostly just so relieved to be back dealing with the ship. Especially when you feel Nalera wiping you down. You wonder if you’re sick and are going to die. That would be so fucking nice, but you try not to let yourself hope.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I know it’s hardest at first,” Nalera says to you. You think you feel a rush of gratitude towards her. But you’re so relieved when she finally leaves.

And time ceases to have any meaning, when you’re just lost in the ship.

Chapter Text

Crefar pails you several more times before she’s transferred off ship. She only ever threatens to force you into your biological body if you don’t react at all, but if all you do is cry, it seems to please her enough. You try to remain thankful for how mild her sadism is, but mostly you feel disgusted. Somehow it doesn’t stop feeling so helpless and hopeless the nearby galaxy compresses to a diamond.

You can’t measure time except through what happens to you externally. Which really just means the people who pail you. You’re grateful the second person doesn’t care at all if you are completely unresponsive, but he hits you something awful, which makes more biological sensations to process even after he’s gone. One time, he presses the switch while he’s fucking you, and you just start screaming, and apparently it’s so disconcerting he immediately switched it off again. He doesn’t fuck you after that.

The next time it’s a troll named Carido. He listens to Nalera and doesn’t ever mock or threaten you. He never presses the switch, and he is miles more gentle. He even tells you the emotional monitor’s readings, as Nalera always does and tells the other quad proctors to (helpless, hopelessness, shame), and apologises. You would still rather die boiled up in the heat of any sun a million times over a second of this existence, but one time your tertiary emotional monitor’s reading is “respect” and it confuses the hell out of you, but you suppose you’re just so grateful that Carido isn’t so sadistic.

You’re pretty sure you’re developing a mild case of Troll Stockholm syndrome.

Carido explains that he takes this job because if anyone has to do it, he’d prefer it to not be someone looking to inspire hurt. You’re actually pretty sure he does it because he’s a coward who doesn’t want to risk the drones killing him for not filling his quadrants, but it doesn’t stop you from being grateful. Unfortunately, it also doesn’t change how utterly horrific it is every time. 

But you’re scared when he finally transfers ships too, and you should be.

The next quadrant proctor you’re introduced to is named Horuzd. He smiles a lot while Nalera introduces him. He’s blue-blooded with short, cropped hair, and he winks at you a lot. He tries to ask you questions too, saying your “name” (Binary) repeatedly, engaging, and presses the switch immediately when Nalera leaves.

“You like to know how you’re feeling huh,” he says. You’re so overwhelmed by sensation, you can’t think that through. “Helplessness, fear, pain, interesting. Maybe we could make one of those a quadrant feeling, huh. Do you think you’d like to be my kismesis, now?” It confuses you. How could he be kismeses with a ship? You literally can’t even move. If you tried to hurt him, you’d be electrocuted and rendered powerless.

“Switch,” you say. It comes out barely audible. You don’t know how much time has passed since the last time you spoke.

“Knew you were new enough to react,” he says, and you realise perhaps you made a mistake.

You’ve never had to feel it completely at once like this, when he pulls down your clothes and starts fucking you roughly. You start screaming, and he muffles it by covering your mouth with his left hand and choking you with his right. You get so dizzy and are in so much pain you just get more and more confused. He hits your face hard a few times then switches to touching your bulge, and you’ve become despondent despite your entrapment in your body.

He says shit too, mocking you.

“Pan fried whore,” he says, and it makes you feel like you're choking. He notices and repeats it, laughing and fucking your harder. “Say it,” he says. “Tell me how you’re a pan fried whore.” You just want to avoid his words, avoid this body. It hurts so much you think you might pass out. “I think you want this,” he says. It’s useless and stupid, but you want to protest that. “I’ll press the switch if you say it,” and with that he strokes your bulge with increased intensity. “See, you want this, otherwise you’d just say it. I mean, what does it matter if you just say it?”

You don’t want to participate in this. You don’t want to have to choose. You don’t want to have to pretend this is anything but the enslavement it is.

But you’re also in so much pain.

“'I'm, pan fried... whore,” you choke out, gritted through pain. You hear his laugh, like he won, like the power he had over you from the beginning wasn’t enough, but he finally got what he wanted. He’s not going to actually do it, you realise, as he laughs. But what does it matter anyways. This is your future.

After he stops laughing, he does press the switch. You’re so relieved to filter out the pain and have those alternating millisecond breaks, you end up coming before he does, which makes him laugh more. He slaps your face a lot. You just try to focus on the ship. You can ignore his taunting and laughing and the pain to some extent. He slaps your face hard after he comes too. You tune in enough to hear him read the monitor, “helpless, shame, and hatred.”

He smiles in victory.

You monitor him in his room after he leaves. You don’t know why, but you find some solace in the fact he has insomnia, and when he’s alone, he sings horribly by himself. You turn his room down several degrees and slow the wifi connection to his computer. It’s petty, but it’s not like you can hurt him without great consequence. If you even think about sincerely harming someone on the ship the danger protocol causes a world of pain for you. And you’re kind of done with pain.

But somehow it’s just a bit amusing to see him curse his computer off and bitch about the heat. You wonder how long you can keep this up. It must be a while because you’ve successfully watched him fail at getting a good day's sleep ten or more times now. You’re really getting away with this. 

You lock doors when he tries to get through them, and you automatically turn his lights on in the middle of the night when he finally can sleep. That tips him off one night, and he stares right at you (or, the security camera in his room).

“You! Fucking!” he screams at it. He seems so comical, when he’s screaming at an electronic in his room rather than violently violating and hitting you. He glares at his computer, then the door, then the heating vent. “Fucking! Hell! You’ll pay! ”

He goes to storm out of his room, but you keep the door locked. This time it isn’t to mess with him. You’re kind of terrified. But it’s not like the system would actually allow you to keep someone hostage (you've manipulated it to allow for these “bugs” you’ve been having that mean no “harm”), so the door eventually responds to his repeated pushing of the button, and you follow him on multiple cameras until he’s back in the helmsblock with you.

He grabs the broom that’s in the closet with the bucket and starts slamming it into your ribs. You’re hesitant to even process the fear of processing the pain of each blow, and it’s difficult and scary each time. He eventually notices that with his beating, that he’s yet to press the switch, and he does angrily, and you’re slammed forcefully into your own perception as he slams the broom forcefully against your body.

“Sorry,” you choke out. He punches you in the face, not a sliver of amusement anymore. He goes back to beating you with the broom. You wonder if he’s going to beat you to death. Maybe you should goad him. Somehow, you’re too terrified.

He has a knife in the pocket of his uniform, and he at first just cuts the bottom of your shirt into dangling strips before slicing several times against your abdomen. It stings so sharp, and you’re gasping in pain, and it finally makes him laugh. You’re too scared to look down at the presumed blood you feel. You hear the knife clatter on the ground. He pulls off your pants, and he writes something, right under where he cut on your lower stomach, and then on each of your legs, with some marker he has. He then stands up to whisper in your ear.

“I know all the boundaries of what a helmsman can take. I know everything I can do without getting fired. This is just the beginning. You don’t want to know the pain I could make you endure. Do you hear me?” He articulates “hear” by clawing sharply against your neck. You think it draws blood too. It itches while it stings. You try to nod, but you’re still in pain from the first blow, and you think your ribs are broken. “You are going to make every door open before I even get to it. My wifi will be the fastest on the ship, and the temperature of my room will be five degrees lower than the rest of the ship’s average. Do you hear me,” he says. You nod. It’s somehow more terrifying that he’s so petty and ridiculous when he can hurt you like this. He spits in your face and then rams the end of the broom up your nook and finally laughs again at your gasp out in pain. After that, he simply leaves, and you’re stuck there, like that. The blood feels so sticky and every breath causes agony from your ribs.

The pain makes time so slow, but it drags and drags and drags until you can’t really remember what’s going on. Finally, someone comes in, and you hear a small intake of breath over the sound of your ragged breathing. 

“Oh dear,” you hear, and yeah it’s Nalera. You really hope she doesn’t want to hit you in the chest again. You know she’s merciful about it. But you don’t think you can take anymore.

You wonder what you did wrong when you feel even more intense stinging on your chest, perhaps worse than the first time, but when you open your eyes, you see she’s cleaning your wounds. And yeah, they did bleed. She removes the broom, uses another cloth and wipes out your nook. You feel your face burn in shame. Why can’t she let you leave? Haven’t you been offline long enough?

You see the words written on your lower stomach. “Horuzd was here,” and there’s an arrow pointing down. It literally doesn’t matter, you register. You also realise you’re crying. Nalera wipes at the words, but they don’t really fade much. She buttons your pants back up. Your face feels like it’s scorching in humiliation, and you can still feel everything he did. 

“Hey, Binary,” she says, and her touch on your cheek actually doesn’t hurt. It’s shocking. “Hey, I’m sorry that happened to you. Do you think you can function online? Do you need to be rewired with the mechanic?”

“Please,” you say. But it’s not helpful, and you’re scared because Nalera usually gets angriest when you can’t communicate well with her. “Online,” you try to elaborate. She presses the switch, and yes, you have to work overtime to try to balance the physical sensations, but it’s the first bit of relief you have gotten in hours.

And in sick, cold fear, you adjust everything in Horuzd’s room. He’s sleeping well, right now. 

Guess he finally found a cure for his insomnia.

Chapter Text

You obsessively watch Horuzd. Wipes must go by, and your ribs still hurt on every intake of breath. There’s so much fucking pain to process. So much fucking fear. You realise he did this on purpose, that he understood how you were able to escape, and now he’s overloading your fucking circuitry to make sure you’re trapped by him. You accommodate all of his requests and realise that he may have killed the last part of you left by forcing you into activity.

You just want to escape. Every interaction with him, with any of them, keeps replaying in your pan whenever you catch a break. You miss boredom. You miss feeling your think pan fry just in the silence between seconds. You miss your autopilot because piloting a ship? Fucking easy.

Unlike watching him.

You want to be nothing.

When you finally process bodies in the room with your, your entire system floods with adrenaline. Fight or flight response rendered utterly useless. Another thing to process. You feel dazed and overloaded. But when you actually open your eyes, you think wow, you’re finally hallucinating.

Eridan? Eridan Ampora?

Nalera is just passed the doorway standing next to a troll that looks the spitting image of that troll that your think pan has chosen to obsess over and create false memories of. Bright violet streak in his black hair, violet filled out eyes, and while he’s taller and stronger than a lot of your memories, he’s still unmistakably Eridan.

But that makes absolutely no sense. You must have finally snapped. You remember wanting him here, really quite badly, and you’ve endured trauma, not to mention you already had a disorder that lent into psychosis. So you must be hallucinating.

You know that should worry you. But you’re just so glad you’re not seeing Horuzd.

Nalera presses the emotional monitor and reads out your states, “Confusion, shock, hope,” with a tone of shock herself. She’s never read anything positive off it for you.

“W-wait hope?” the Eridan figure says, and he fucking grins. The Eridan hallucination must be auditory too. He still has his w’s doubled. “He’s hopeful to see me?”

“I mean, perhaps? This is a little odd,” Nalera responds. She presses the button again, looking at you quizzically, then says, “Shame, confusion, hope. I mean. It doesn’t seem to be broken.” She looks worried. “This is Eridan, Eridan, this is Binary. He prefers to have the emotional response read to him.”

You don’t think you’re hallucinating. You think Eridan Ampora is actually alive and somehow managed to be on the same ship in this entire empire as you. He’s here, and for some reason you feel something like gold shimmering in your system. You think this is the first time you might have felt joy in sweeps. Since the game. 

Nalera moves towards the closet. “There’s the bucket,” she says, and only then does the reality of the situation begin to dawn on you. 

Cold water washes all down you. Poison infiltrates every cell of your body. You can’t even remember to disappear into the ship. 

You realise what he is here to do to you.

You feel cold and hot, shocked and overwhelmed, disgusted and terrified, all at the same time. You don’t think you’ve ever had such an intense emotional reaction in your whole life. You don’t think the world could move you. 

But most of all, you feel betrayed.

Nalera reaches into her bag and retrieves a form. “You’ll have to sign this afterwards, and record the emotional response below here. Don’t lie on it, it’s always obvious. And you have my number if you have any questions.” And then she leaves you there. Alone. With Eridan Ampora.

Your immediate fear takes over, pain still sharp in your ribs, and for some reason your think pan just keeps coming up with different violent things Eridan has done in random timelines. You’re so scared, you reach out over the WiFi to his phone to communicate. You’ve never tried this before, but you immediately leave a desperate message. You don’t really even think about it

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Er1dan Amp0ra, d0nt hurt me severely.

The second after you send it, it seems so pathetic and confusing and useless. You send another, again, without really thinking, your think pan in bargaining and begging mode.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Er1dan 1 understand y0u may want revenge aga1nst th1s helmsmen but 1s pa1l1ng 1t n0t en0ugh. 1 1mpl0re you t0 n0t damage the helms’ b0dy t00 severely.

You realise you’re being ridiculous. You realise you want to sound less desperate, but he’s looking at you quietly, expectantly, and you’re getting more desperate. You’re fucking pathetic, but Horuzd already proved that. You’re just so scared.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

1gn0re the prev10us system messages. The system ackn0wledges you can d0 whatever y0u des1re tw0 the helms’ b0dy, but w1shes qu1te badly f0r y0u t0 n0t press the percept10n sw1tch 1f y0u have any decency at all.

“Sollux?” Eridan says. You’re not sure if he’s even checked his phone, or if the message system worked. “Sollux, it’s me, Eridan. Do you remember me? We played a game together?” For once, you control the biological body’s response to cry. You don’t want to give him the satisfaction. “I suppose it doesn’t matter if you don’t...” he says. He does sound sad though, and that makes you glad. You do not think you’ve ever felt such intense hatred in your entire life. You want his plans to fail. “Sollux, wait, are you conscious, can you hear me?”

For some reason, it makes you feel a lot better for him to pail you thinking you’re unconscious. You hope you don’t screw that one up. He definitely hasn’t received your messages to him, and perhaps you could figure out a way to delete them? But then he reaches out to press the perception switch, and you know you cannot. He cannot. He just can’t.

THE SYSTEM HAS AN URGENT MESSAGE FOR YOU

Er1dan 1f there has ever been any 0unce of decency 1n y0u d0nt press that sw1tch. D0 whatever y0u want tw0 me just d0nt press that sw1tch. 1f y0u have any fuck1ng compass10n at all. Any. 

You figure out quickly how to open a song, and Troll Rick Astley’s “Never Going To Give You Up,” starts blasting from his phone speakers. He looks at his phone, and you rapidly send another message.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

1 rec0gn1se y0ur des1re tw0 hurt me and y0u st1ll w1ll, but press1ng that sw1tch 1s bey0nd 1mag1nat10n. 1 appeal tw0 any g00dness 0r mercy 1n y0u n0t t0 press 1t.

“Sollux?” Eridan says again, looking at you. You don’t say anything, but you see him reach for the switch anyways. You feel something in you break. You instinctually reach out before you can’t anymore.

THE 2Y2TEM HA2 A ME22AGE FOR YOU

ii cant beliieve you could fuckiing do thii2. ii know you iinherently want love do you thiink you could ever be worthy of love when you would do thii2 two another liiviing creature? there ii2 nothiing good iin you and every 2econd you ever fool your2elf iintwo thiinking you are worthy of anythiing remember that. ii cant beliieve you ever triicked anyone intwo even 2peakiing two you everyone eiither already ha2 or wiill 2ee you for what you are and hate you iin the mo2t platoniic way po22iible. your pathetiic attempt2 are futiile and you wiill never get what you truly de2iire. do your fuckiing wor2t two me at lea2t ii wiill never become what you are. 

You are flung back into your biological body. You are reeling. You forgot how hard it was to feel the physical pain at once, but at least it’s a distraction from the heart wrenching sadness you feel looking at Eridan standing in front of you.

But you can’t avoid the smell of slurry. There’s dried yellow cum on the floor in front of you that must have spilt and no one ever cleaned up. The shame you feel is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. You feel the draft on your stomach, and realise the words that are still visible, even if slightly faded, that Eridan has seen, capable of reading this entire time. It’s different, to be witnessed by someone who was once real to you. You have never felt such utter humiliation.

Or rage.

“Sollux?” Eridan says. “Sollux Captor? Binary?” he tries. You are not going to respond. You might not be able to stop him, but you’re not going to engage. You’re not going to engage. There are a million things burning on your lips, that you want to force through your unused throat, but you will not engage. 

Because you have never hated anyone like this. And you want to do whatever benefits him the least. 

It used to be funny. It used to be mildly embarrassing, but even humorous. How he’d talk about how much better he was than everyone. What he thought of land dwellers. Low bloods. It’s not like he was ever threatening. You could beat him in a duel with the power of your pan (and when you lost, he had a weapon). He was just some stupid kid that apparently in your desperate disconnected reprogramming you imagined a bunch of lives around. But even then this didn’t matter. No one cares about blood colour when you are dead.

But now, now you feel rage for it all. He’s so strong he could snap your corpse like a twig. And he can do anything to you, because of that purple in his veins. He can do absolutely anything, and he’s standing there wanting you to engage with him before he. Before.

He can do anything to you. And he chooses to.

You still don’t get how he could ever think that makes him superior, because an empire that justifies what is happening to you right now allows him all this power. But it does make you hate him like nothing else you’ve ever known. And because it’s him, because even in this timeline, what you’ll say is real, he was almost a friend, you think you hate him more than the empress.

“Sol?” he says again. Someone should rip his tongue out. He seems to get annoyed at you not responding to him, so he goes to the emotional monitor. It makes you even angrier. You’re so utterly helpless. You try to take any solace in the fact it’s still not engaging. And you’re absolutely certain it will read you hatred. So he can know at least a flash of the vitriol occurring while you remain silent and unresponsive.

“B--Betrayal?” he reads out loud, then looks at you confused. “Did I? Did I do somethin wrong?” he asks. “I’ll call that other troll....” Why all the fucking narration. Did he do something wrong? Did he seriously think that you would hope he’d come and pail you against your will? That that response was nothing but the shock you were in from seeing his stupid face after all these sweeps? 

He pulls his phone out, and he must read the last message you sent to him before you were forced back into your aching, addled body, because he staggers back, then gives you a look of anguish. What? Your words don’t even have anything on the fact you have to feel the way your body has been tied and hung and beaten. You wish that look on his face was more entertaining. You guess your anger hasn’t made you a complete sadist.

“Sol?” he says, and he looks at his phone again reading more, before tottering out of the room in some sort of emotional bullshit way.

It takes everything in you to not start sobbing the second he leaves, but you don’t know how soon he’s coming back, and he can’t see that. He can’t.

You can’t believe that things got worse.

You can’t believe he’d do this to you.

You can’t believe he’d do this to you.

It takes a long time for you to realise he’s not coming back. That he just left you like this, trapped, in agony, along with the smell of your humiliation and the pain of your stupidity. Your stupid shirt in its ribbons mocks you. He saw the words; he saw the arrow. And you don’t even want to think of how gaunt and beaten you look. What you have been reduced to. What has been done to you.

You cry like you’ve never cried before in your life.

Nalera eventually comes, quicker than you’d anticipated, and she embraces you. You don’t think you want it, her pity, but you’re too broken to care about her. All you can say, which shocks her at first until you repeat it like a broken mantra, is, “I knew him.” 

You don’t even think she believes you.

Chapter Text

When you check on Eridan involuntarily the second Nalera leaves you, you find him sobbing hysterically in his block. What? Is he so upset he hasn’t had his way with you yet? He does realise he can literally just go back at any time and do anything he wants right?

You actually are a little confused about why he’s so upset. Did your message really get to him? He’s always been so sensitive.

You’re not sure how to feel about this. You’re so drained from all the hatred. You just feel empty. It’s not fair that the extent of what’s happening within you out of your control means some negative reaction to him. Does it not make sense you would try to hurt him? Does it not make sense that you would react intensely in the only manner in which you’re capable? You’re just some object. It shouldn’t matter. But you can’t escape bearing the responsibility of guilt.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

0h shut up s0me 0f us are try1ng t0 w0rk here.

You don't know why you did that. Why are you always antagonising the people you beg not to hurt you? You’re such an enigma. Actually, you’re just fucking stupid. 

Eridan doesn’t look at his phone for a minute, still just bawling, but he eventually does go to his phone, and he immediately catches his breath and goes quiet. Cautiously, he looks at the camera in his room and says, “Sollux?”

It’s uneasy, seeing him through the lens. Your eyesight is so much better and the feed you can immediately process. He’s in such high definition, and he’s just looking at you, waiting, expectant. He doesn’t say more, until you simultaneously send a text.

“Did you... did you really think this?” he says looking at his phone.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

At y0ur fuck1ng serv1ce t0 l1ck y0ur alm1ghty h1ghbl00d shamegl0bes 0r whatever. Except n0t really, that, 1n part1cular, s1nce y0u kn0w, my arms have deep embedded w1res str1ng1ng me up aga1nst a wall. W0uldn’t be able t0 reach.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

0h. 1 mean. The helmsman was really mad when 1t sent that.

So he is crying over your stupid message? Does he even have any inkling of what suffering is at all? It makes you angry all over again, and you’re trying desperately to not lose your fucking mind and encourage him to stop by the helmsblock again so soon. 

“What?” he says. He looks confused. “Not your message, I know that shit. Sol, did you really think?” Tears slide down his ugly melodramatic face. At least he isn’t sobbing anymore. “Did you really think I’d rape you?”

The gears in your pan grind to a halt. You think this must go against some chip somewhere. His words sound so wrong. You don’t think you want to hear him speak ever again.

He doesn’t understand. Either what’s happening to you is your fault, or what’s happening to you is not happening to “you” because you don’t exist at all. His perspective makes your thoughts disintegrate.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

The system 1s a pr0duct 0f the emp1re. The helmsman 1s pr0perty 0f the emp1re. The helmsman’s p0wers are used as a battery and 1ts body 1s used f0r repr0duct10n 0f m0re helmsmen f0r the emp1re. As an 0bject part 0f a sh1p, that c0urse 0f act10n w0uld be 1mp0ss1ble.

Eridan looks at you, mouth agape, looking sick, before he turns away, and heaves immediately onto the ground, a pathetically small bit of bile. It makes you kind of sick to look at. You really don’t like this engagement, you realise. You don’t like any of this. You should disappear again and let yourself be the ship you were wired to be.

“Sorry,” he expresses, grabbing some towel and trying to clean up the mess on the ground. It takes him a couple minutes and you watch the sad display. His hands are shaking. You don’t get why he’s so worked up about all this? 

Did you really think I’d rape you?

You’re too antsy to just wait for him, so you adjust the paint app on his computer to work as a client communication system with, well, the computer--you. You have to work around some blocks put on to even communicate at all. You’re not entirely sure helms are supposed to be able to engage with people on the ship. You’re more supposed to be a battery. But hey, any rules you can break without being electrocuted and sent back to your sad excuse of a biological body are fine by you.

“Y’know, y’know that isn’t true. You know that isn’t you, what you, what you are.” Eridan states. It makes you feel bad. You open up the app you’ve reworked and set your colour to that sad yellow hue like the cum on the ground below you. 

You insert the words into the program, but are immediately overwhelmed by it. You’re not sure why, but you delete it before he can see it. Maybe it’s the colour. Or the quirk. Or pretending like you’re someone he knows anymore. 

SYSTEM: what 2o iit2 not me becau2e iim u2iing a diifferent quiirk. thiing2 change. iim a fuckiing object of thii2 gloriiu2 empiire and all iit2 totally ethiical conque2t2 and way2 of 2ub2ii2tiing and there2 nothiing ii can do about iit no matter what youre on about.
SYSTEM: diid ii expect you two paiil me? what diid you expect me two thiink your job ii2 LIITERALLY that. you actually have two. what are you even on about. you couldnt even re2pect the one thiing ii a2ked of you there2 no rea2on for me two a22ume youre here for anythiing but two humiiliiate and hurt me. unle22 you want two liike, kiill me, whiich you 2hould totally do but al2o not tell me about becau2e ii cant let you damage the 2hiip, 2o, dont warn me bro.

You try to leave another message instead. One that’s less aggressive. One that makes you feel less sick.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Y0u are my quadrant pr0ct0r.

You have a triggered ding response to your messages because you’re sick of waiting around for Eridan to look at his phone. He grabs for his phone immediately, though honestly, shouldn’t he wash his hands?

Things you try to focus on.

“Fuck so...” Eridan looks at the camera desperately, like he’s searching for meaning in it. You guess it’s kind of you, but he’s not going to see anything in it. It just feels piercing. “You thought...” You think he’s going to throw up or cry some more. “You musta been so scared...” he says, quieter. Now you feel hot, livid. Like you were then. Scared. What does that even mean when every aspect of your existence is torture? You weren’t scared of him. You were enraged.

You are ashamed.

You feel too vulnerable now, with the way he’s talking to you. Like you’re in some territory you do not understand.

“You really thought I was gonna do horrible things to you, didn’t you?” Eridan says. He’s not looking at the camera anymore.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Aren’t y0u.

Eridan’s eyes go wide, looking straight at the camera. He’s going to hurt his neck if he keeps looking at it like that. He’s shaking his head, and the expression on his face is something like heartbreak and something that makes your pusher feel more vulnerable than the certainty he will hurt you.

“Sol, fuck no, no, no I don’t wanna hurt you at all.”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Then why are y0u here.

You think you might be falling apart.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

1s 1t t0 be my k1smes1s? 1s 1t t0 watch me beg y0u w1th everyth1ng 1 have just t0 d0 exactly what 1 was afra1d 0f? D1d y0u just want t0 watch me suffer? See my hum1l1at10n? See what 1 have bec0me?

“Sollux no! I wanna fuckin help you!” he exclaims, his distress rising. It startles you through the speakers. You think you flinch, but you’re too focused on him and your confusion to fully register it.

THE 2Y2TEM HA2 A ME22AGE FOR YOU

iim 2orry.

He melts his face into a state of calmness, but when he speaks again he sounds tormented.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I dunno what I did to hurt you. I dunno what switch you meant, but I don’t wanna see you hurtin’ and I don’t wanna hurt you, and I just wanna help, but if you want me to go, or change my job title so I can’t get to the helmsblock, or whatever it is, anythin’. I promise I’ll do it.”

There were two fucking switches. That he was informed about. You make the lights flicker in his room. He looks slightly shocked and perplexed, but doesn’t comment. You’re pretty sure if you let yourself respond, he’ll change his mind about wanting to hurt you. You are feeling far too much at once.

But you also are so scared of the alternative.

Of seeing Horuzd again.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Y0u sh0uld stay my quadrant pr0ct0r.

You can’t elaborate because you want to scream and cry and demand more off him and goad him into hurting you and hurting you and hurting you just to see if he means it. You can’t elaborate because you desperately want to see if he’s telling the truth, if you can release all the fucking fear and hatred and confusion you’ve experienced and understand what’s going on, but you’re immobilised by the alternative.

The hope you felt when you first saw him shimmers something awful like a last straw you’ll never be able to withstand, and you don’t know how to hide from it.

Chapter Text

“Okay,” he says tentatively. “I won’t ever touch you,” he adds, carefully. You let out a laugh at that, and it spikes the sharp pains in your chest. You don’t say more though. You’re beginning to think he actually means to be sincere. And you don’t believe him. But you don’t want to push it. He looks a little lost though. “Sollux?” 

You don’t want to respond, so instead you make the lights flicker again. It’s weird, the type of angry you are now. Like all you want to do is yell and accuse and scream until it fades away to good intent. As if that’s possible.

“It’s okay if you’re angry?” Eridan says. That feels like a trick. He’s looking so quizzical. You guess you were messaging him a lot more when you literally thought he was here to torture you. You were perhaps a bit fearless in your outrage. Now everything feels fragile and confusing. This terrain is not something you were really expecting to encounter. “I’m not gonna hurt you no matter what you say to me?” 

For some reason, it just makes you angrier. Why is he trying to make you lash out at him? Will his conscience only be able to handle his desires if he goads you into reacting to him?

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

As 1f.

He actually smiles at that. 

“So you’re worried? And angry? I dunno how to convince you you’re safe from me, but you are.”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Really? Because 1 th1nk y0u’re a fuck1ng l1ar. 1 th1nk th1s 1s all a fun game t0 y0u and 1’m trapped 1n 1t. 1 d0n’t bel1eve a w0rd y0u’re say1ng.

You panic and delete the message immediately, but Eridan has been staring intently at his phone. You can’t believe you let him prod you into responding like that.

“Wait, Sol, I didn’t see it. Did you delete it?” You’re too scared to respond. Eridan sighs loudly, resting against the wall. He doesn’t say anymore. Is he waiting for you? This all feels like a deadly trap.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

There were tw0 sw1tches wh1ch y0u b0th pressed the sec0nd after 1 begged y0u n0t tw0.

Eridan looks really forlorn at that. He twiddles his thumbs over his phone screen.

“I didn’t get your messages ‘till after I left the block,” he explains. He sounds so sad you think you almost believe him. But you were conscious. A witness. You heard Nalera tell him your preferences, and it’s not like he even asked you. Even if you can’t help but play dead. (Maybe, now, all you are, is playing dead). “I was under the impression I’d just disconnect you from the ship from what that other troll said. I’d no clue you didn’t want it. It won’t happen again, and they’ll never be enough words to describe how sorry I am.”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

S0 y0u th0ught y0u w0uld c0me 1n w1th y0ur t1tle of helmsmen pa1ler and 1nvade the bl0ck where my b10l0g1cal b0dy l1ves and expect me tw0 n0t assume y0u were there tw0 get revenge aga1nst me 0r fuck me 0r hurt me?

You know he’s going to respond with something that makes you buy into him. Even if he is here just to fuck you or fuck with you or use you. Not because he’s being convincing. Not because it’s also unrealistic he’s just that stupid. But because you want him. You’ll buy into any fantasy you can spin to keep talking to him. You feel tension and horror taut against you but none of it matters as much as giving him the chance to convince you of anything. If your perception becomes dual, you want to let his colouring of reality consume you.

It could be all a trick. It could be a false sense of security. It could all be a hallucination, a product of your perception deteriorating into the nothingness that happens after the things being done to you. It could be anything. 

But you’re waiting on his reproached face and anxious words with baited breath. He’s the hope that turns the lights on. Maybe it’s better, if he ends up lying through his teeth instead of just endless stupidity and takes everything out on you, forces your senses through it. 

Because now, well, you’re starting to want something.

“I’m stupid okay?” he says. “I was beyond devastated learnin’ what’re afraid of. I’m sorry. It’s just stupidity. Not malice.”

It’s terrifying, believing him. Like there’s some sense of comfort, that could be ripped away at any second. But you can’t help it. You reach out to him. 

SYSTEM: you are a fuckiing iimbeciile of epiic proportiion2 iin that ca2e liike get a functiioniing neuron would you.
ERIDAN: ill try theyre hard to come by these nights
SYSTEM: wow you meant iit when you 2aiid you wouldnt hurt me for la2hiing out huh
ERIDAN: yeah of course i dont wwanna hurt you
ERIDAN: im gonna help you i swwear
ERIDAN: is there anythin i can do immediately to help?
SYSTEM: ii dont under2tand do you have all of the memoriie2 two?
ERIDAN: all of wwhat memories? if you mean the sprite then yes
ERIDAN: sorry im sure theres better people youd rather knoww your wwhole wwiggler history but alas i wwas dead wwasnt really my choice.
ERIDAN: is there anythin you wwant right noww though?
ERIDAN: i got a body and the internet and ill do anythin to help

Your sudden desire lances through you like fire. There is something you want. Something you’ve wanted so desperately all along. It’s starting to register that he’s here. And he could tell you--

Oh.

It all finally makes sense.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Y0u’re fuck1ng ev1l.

“W-wait w-what?” Eridan stutters out.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

1 w1ll n0t play th1s game. Y0u w1ll d0 whatever y0u d0 t0 me. 1 am n0 part 1n 1t. 1 am a sh1p. 1 have n0 ch01ce. 1 have n0 des1res. Y0u have n0th1ng 0f value t0 me. The pr1ce 1s t00 h1gh.

Eridan squints reading your message. Every second of this engagement with him is tiresome and confusing and riddled with hope and the inevitable crushing reality hitting you square in the face. You should have learnt. Maybe Mr. Prince of Hope’s hope powers can somehow hurt you deeper than you’ve been hurt. Or maybe just his malice.

ERIDAN: you say you havve no desires but you do dont you
ERIDAN: theres somethin i can do and youre scared im gonna lord it ovver you or somethin like take advvantage of havvin somethin you wwant
ERIDAN: if im right knoww thats not true and you havve nothin to lose by openin up to me and i can showw you im just tryna help
ERIDAN: i knoww its impossible to trust me especially givven wwhat i did and i dont expect you to like me but if i can help please lemme dont shut me dowwn
ERIDAN: i cant evven begin to imagine wwhat its like to be in the position youre in and then have some chutemaggot vviolent jerk come and be the one tryna help but ivve good intentions towwards you evven if im not good

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Why w0uld you want t0 help me.

ERIDAN: i wwanna do the right thing.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

The system 1s aware y0u must have put eff0rt 1nt0 f1nd1ng th1s part1cular helmsman. The 0dds d0 n0t make sense 0therw1se. Y0u ch0se spec1f1cally t0 be 1ts quadrant pr0ct0r. Why?

ERIDAN: sol i knoww i dont get redemption and im not lookin for it
ERIDAN: and its okay if you hate me ill do wwhatevver makes you most comfortable
ERIDAN: but i once considered you my friend evven if that wwasnt reciprocal and i care about you and youvve been abused in wways no one evver should
ERIDAN: my desire to help you is a no brainer like evven nubslurpin psychopaths like me wwould theres no ill intent here ivve nothin to gain from this
ERIDAN: and truly i hope if you evver havve doubts about me you can trust me cause im gonna do evverythin i can to help you and thats a promise
SYSTEM: ii con2iidered you a friiend two ed

You have no clue what you’re doing. You realise, unmistakably, under all your hatred and fear and paranoia, you’ve missed him so badly it’s eating away at your insides. Anyways, what else have you to lose?

ERIDAN: oh thats
ERIDAN: thank you
SYSTEM: you were riight
SYSTEM: there ii2 2omethiing the helm2man want2 two know
SYSTEM: but ii wiill offer you nothiing iin return ii have no con2ent two giive ii wont valiidate your viiolatiion
ERIDAN: oh my god you really think im capable of anythin
ERIDAN: please tell me i promise im not tryna force you or bargain wwith you or anythin
SYSTEM: ..
SYSTEM: ii want two know iif my friiend2 are okay.

You freeze. You extricate yourself and remember what it’s like to refuse to process interaction. You’re a ship, you remember. You don’t have someone who could lord information you desperately desire over your head. You don’t have friends. You don’t have friends who could be dead. 

Eridan is hesitating, you notice. You’re having trouble choosing not to process the room with the camera pointed right at him. Why is he hesitating?

ERIDAN: the trolls wwe played the game wwith?
SYSTEM: the helmsman doe2 want a 2tatu2 update on them, ye2.
ERIDAN: okay.
ERIDAN: most of them hate me and
ERIDAN: wwell ill tell you evverythin i knoww
ERIDAN: gamzees an artist and got awway wwith livvin on a planet he lovves a lot and hes doin great. his blood colour really helped.
ERIDAN: equius and nepeta wwork on the same ship together. they wwont tell me wwhich but equius became a mechanic and nepeta wworks plumbin 

Panic spikes in your system. It's hard to think, sharp and bright, consuming. She's so real in your eyes, anticipation eating you like acid. Her brilliant smile. Memories and hopes and intimacy that choke you up like there is a reality outside, and she's it. Stupid shit, from playing video games with her while she groans and practises whistling to her ebullient curls framing her radiant face before you killed her with the bomb inside you, now compressed into a fucking battery. Every zeptosecond is agonising, waiting to know if she's, she's --

SYSTEM: AA?
ERIDAN: aradia? i havvent talked to her personally but im pretty sure shes doin wwell cause she can commune wwith the dead and a lot of highbloods take that really seriously cause theyvve dead lovved ones so i wwouldnt wworry much about her.

You are dosed up with a relief you haven’t felt in sweeps. You’re suddenly grateful for something. It’s such a peculiar and intense feeling you’re so overwhelmed by it. She’s okay.

ERIDAN: i doubt she wwants to hear from me but im sure i could get in contact wwith her and be an intermediary for you
SYSTEM: 2he doe2nt need two know what happened two her friiend. 2he2 better off wiithout hiim.
ERIDAN: .. okay sol lemme knoww if you change your mind about that
ERIDAN: um wwell vvris is perhaps wwho im closest to and shes an outlaww pirate but shes doin wwell. terezis studyin somethin to do wwith laww theyvve an interestin relationship but theyre good yknoww
ERIDAN: i read about kanaya in a fashion magazine. im sure vvris wwould tell me if somethin bad happened to her. but she hasnt spoken to me since the game either.
ERIDAN: tavvros is wworkin on a ship designed for spreadin alternian species across different planets wwhich is kinda an ecological nightmare but colonisers do as colonisers do i guess. but hes okay despite bein a lowwblood cause of his affinity towwards animals.

Eridan pauses. He looks really nervous. It is glaringly obvious he has said nothing about the two trolls the two of you were closest to mutually. 

And Karkat’s a mutant.

SYSTEM: ju2t tell me are they dead
ERIDAN: no.
ERIDAN: howw much a wwhat i tell you is monitored? howw secure is this convversation?
SYSTEM: the mechaniic and captaiin have acce22 at any poiint of iintere2t but they have never had any 2iince the 2y2tem act2 a2 an automatiic guard for anythiing harmful two the 2hiip 2o anythiing you 2ay that could harm the 2hiip wiill force me two automatiically alert them. mo2tly report2 get 2ent two the 2ecuriity head.
ERIDAN: wwhat bout treason?
SYSTEM: ii would not rii2k alertiing me of anythiing that could diirectly harm the empiire. but iit wa2nt actiivated by knowiing vrii2ka ii2 an outlaw. dont tell me her locatiion though.
ERIDAN: this story is
ERIDAN: the information im gonna tell you...
ERIDAN: im not gonna lie to you
ERIDAN: oh im bein so fuckin stupid youll react howwevver youre gonna react i dont mean to deny you this information i just. its a sore spot for me and i knoww youvve no reason to trust wwhat i wwill say and
SYSTEM: youre 2cared
ERIDAN: yeah. im scared. but dont wworry ill get on wwith it i swwear. its just they vvery much hate me.
ERIDAN: so theyre alivve but i wwont elaborate more on that both cause theyre high risk fugitivves and also cause i dont knoww much about their status mentally since yknoww they hate me

Eridan is crying again. Silently.

ERIDAN: wwhen wwe wwere transported outta the game drones came by lookin for fef cause i wwas her last knowwn moirail they also asked about you and kar since you wwere both on my trollian. i told them i had no idea wwhere you wwere and they left me alone so i immediately messaged all of you
ERIDAN: you can believve that or not but i swwear im tellin the truth
ERIDAN: i tried to wwarn you and if tellin you this gets me killed i just
SYSTEM: ii remember.
ERIDAN: kars last memory a me wwas. wwell the last thin he said to me before all this wwas a pretty intense hateful death threat. wwhich i knoww wwas wwell wwarranted. and of course i. wwell fef had no reason to trust me.
ERIDAN: so wwhen i wwent to wwarn them they. they sorta thought i turned them in to the drones. gl'bgolyb is missin so fef wwas left unprotected. so they thought i
ERIDAN: i swwear i didnt sol i didnt wwant this to happen to any of you i just wwanted to wwarn you
ERIDAN: the drones apparently reached you first and i couldnt savve you but fef and kar wwent into hidin and obvviously didnt share anythin more wwith me. but i knoww theyre alivve but i cant tell howw i knoww that
ERIDAN: i knoww that makes it sound like im RESPONSIBLE for this but i swwear to god sol i just wwanted to wwarn you
SYSTEM: ii beliieve you.
ERIDAN: you wwhat?
SYSTEM: they were alway2 goiing two come for u2 and we were 2ittiing quackbea2t2 the 2econd we returned two alterniia plu2 the only me22age ii got from you wa2 “”run”” and why would you liie two me, how could ii retaliiate you liiterally have all the power over me.
SYSTEM: iim 2orry you lo2t your friiend2 liike that though iin faiirne22 you diid 2hoot one iin front of the other. probably wa2 bound two happen.
ERIDAN: i dont understand. you thought i was gonna rape and torture you earlier but you also believe me when our mutual best friends didnt?

You falter. You got so wrapped up in talking to him that you briefly felt like someone else. Someone dead. Now you feel sick.

SYSTEM: youre confu2iing me wiith 2omeone el2e

Eridan’s sharp eyes find the camera lens again. Why does he have to say these things. What are you even doing. Why are you getting caught up in this.

SYSTEM: the troll you knew a2 2ollux captor ii2 long gone.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

S0rry 1f typ1ng 1n h1s 0ld qu1rk c0nfused y0u.

ERIDAN: okay. you can type howwevver you wwanna and be wwhoevver. i still wwanna help you.

You think, perhaps, maybe, you believe him. But your processing system has been impeached upon by something. It’s making it hard to remember who he is. You think, maybe, you deeply want him to stay, to keep saying what he is. Like there's something that can be salvaged, but that is both a lie, and also, incomprehensible. The world is blurry and impossible. It's like a blow, how knocked into disintegration your processing struck.

SYSTEM: ii need two 2top talkiing.
ERIDAN: okay and just. thank you.
SYSTEM: leave me alone.

It’s time, you think, to forget whatever interaction or personality or memory is. You’re nothing. And that is as good as it gets anymore. Being a ship.

(But, you can't deny. Something that fizzles and crackles through you when Eridan absolutely does, in fact, leave you alone, when you do ask him).

Chapter Text

Cognizance seems to take sweeps. It’s devastatingly brittle, and you’re scared that if you touch it something else will shatter. But you’re all alone, and you have time, and it forms around your systems like the sun rising. 

You know logically that you are enduring damage to your think pan. It used to be one of the things that scared you the most about the thought of becoming a helmsman. But you don’t really feel damaged when you have the CPU for an entire electronically based space ship. But you’re starting to see how out of your depth you are. This is not what you are programmed to comprehend.

And you know. You know. Comprehension is the enemy. Trying not to understand what is happening has been your entire goal. Letting yourself feel what it means to see the troll anxiously searching for articles on his phone about your best friend in any universe just to get more news about her for you even though you didn’t even ask?

That can only lead you to feeling the fact you will never see her again.

Or anything that has happened since you have last.

But it grows and it glows and it forms like a sunrise, realising who Eridan is. No one is here to hurt you right now. Running a ship is boring, and you can do many things “simultaneously.” So your thoughts keep returning, like they’re tentatively adding layers to a paper mache then running away to add more and eventually you can’t deny the purple of his eyes lit by the blue light.

You know this is dangerous. You know this is not how you cope. Even if he’s here under the best intentions possible, even if his words are drowning in their own sincerity, he can’t save you. He will leave. Your situation hasn’t changed.

But they’re alive, they’re all alive they’re all a l i v e.

And so is he. He’s there, he’s real, and he’s there, in your visual field, sleeping after checking his phone again for the millionth time, for some reason clothed (maybe you watching him answers that question). You aren’t dead. You aren’t in a nightmare. You aren’t in hell. 

And you saw her face too, in the article. A snapshot of your weird loved one looking goth and blurry. 

It’s so bright it’s inescapable. The relief. The joy. The hope.

This is not how you survive being doomed.

But no matter how reckless it is, you don’t think you’re able to stop yourself.

When Eridan wakes up, you think you’re finally ready to message him again, but he immediately rushes to a job. He spends the morning working on what appears to be war logistics. He heads some sort of team then into the afternoon, and gives a lecture of weaponry for the standby security (is he head of security?). After that, he grabs something quick to eat, and you’re certain you’ll find a way to talk to him, but a few minutes later he rushes across ship and watches what appears to be piloting videos, navigation, running all the electronic systems. You can’t help but note that most of it is tied into communication with the mechanic and you, but what does it matter it’s not his job.

He’s wasting no time, though. You knew he always wanted to be the captain of a ship, but it hasn’t even been five sweeps (or at least not that many more, you zoned out some of the passage of time. Maybe it’s been a lot more. Who knows), and he’s a violetblood so it’s not like he won’t live for like, ever. You wonder why he’s working so hard to rush it.

He steals glances at security cameras all day, but never once does he try to communicate with you. You kind of hope it’s not because he doesn’t want to. But when he gets back to his block after he eats a late dinner, he stares intently at the open chat client for several minutes, puts his phone aside, and just stares at the ceiling. What a great use of his very limited free time.

SYSTEM: 2tartiing two thiink the real rea2on you 2ought me out ii2 becau2e you dont have a liife

Eridan’s eyes go wide at the ding, and he smiles something huge when he reads your message.

ERIDAN: wwell come on noww wwasnt i supposed to be dead anywways wwho needs a life
SYSTEM: have ii been entertaiiniing enough for you?

Eridan’s smile vanishes. You realise it was a misstep. You don’t want to make him feel bad. He takes a minute to respond to that, probably trying to find a way to tell you that crying for hours and throwing up isn’t actually very fun, and he wishes he never found you. You feel cold inside.

ERIDAN: i found an article on aradia if you wwanna see it
SYSTEM: ii know ii read iit 2hould warn you there2 no priivacy on the2e 2hiip2
ERIDAN: oh?
SYSTEM: how have you been you gave me an update on everyone but your2elf
ERIDAN: im not sure howw to answwer that. im okay? here to help you. been busy wwith wwork.
SYSTEM: planniing on kiilliing any more iinnocent 2peciie2 who dont want two be a part of our preciiou2 galactiic empiire?
ERIDAN: oh you mean cause i head security? no im just defense unless i wwanted to run a wwarship wwhich uh duh i dont wwanna evver
ERIDAN: in fact i wwont
SYSTEM: oh never 2ay never ed you wiill outliive the lot of u2

You wish you could read him better. He keeps hesitating. You’re trying so hard to put him at ease, too. Trying to sound like someone while not being needlessly antagonistic. Well. Trying not to be completely antagonistic.

SYSTEM: you 2eem two work hard.
ERIDAN: i guess i mean im pretty dedicated to my mission
SYSTEM: of becomiing captaiin?
ERIDAN: sure
ERIDAN: ivve to wwork fast and im scared i wwont learn enough in the time i havve
SYSTEM: ju2t jone2iing two exploiit u2 helm2men hm?

Eridan looks so affronted. You really are trying to engage him in the way he’d like because you want to talk to him, and he sincerely could stop talking to you in an instant, but he’s like a prickly pear or a meowbeast you want to boop on the nose just to see their expression before rubbing behind their ears.

ERIDAN: i promise i wwont evver do that
SYSTEM: ii know ii know iit2 all the empiire2 fault look man you cant blame hiic for everythiing
ERIDAN: look i cant ... okay
SYSTEM: oh iidea you need two get through the rank2 fa2t enough and then u2e the power of my giigantiic thiink pan two propel your dream2 iintwo actiion ye2 two exploiitatiion bet theyll artiifiiciially keep me aliive long enough for you two

You’re not sure if you’re incapable of communicating because you’re a ship or because you’re trying to converse with Eridan. Maybe you just can’t take how he gets to live his dreams out while you’re in your worst fears. Useless, nothing, except exploited for something you want no part of. There’s a disgusting feeling that reminds you of grief, coming up from your chest like vines, choking you.

But he looks genuinely distressed by your comment, and he sets his phone aside for a second. He has no lights on which makes it harder to see (just fucking sitting in the dark, idiot), so you turn infrared on to make out his (remarkably cold) temperature silhoette staring at the ceiling. Did you push him too far? Is he not going to talk to you now? Have you already screwed up your one shot at conversation with someone who you think isn’t there simply to beat or pail you? Fuck.

SYSTEM: tell me that2 not your actual plan
SYSTEM: look iit doe2nt matter iim a runniing chagriin tunnel iit2 ju2t what beiing turned iintwo a computer doe2 two you
SYSTEM: ii can try two rewiire the 2y2tem two be more 2upportive
SYSTEM: ED
SYSTEM: ii wiill make your phone play horriible 2ong2
SYSTEM: ii know you can hear iit diingiing youre ju2t 2iittiing there
SYSTEM: are you that mad at me for beiing up2et at the thought of
SYSTEM: iim 2ure youll make a great captaiin ii know youre not the one who 2et the 2y2tem2 two be liike thii2
SYSTEM: iim 2orry

The one troll in existence who might ever try to help you again, and you immediately get him angry at you. You’d blame yourself more if it weren’t the temperamental Eridan Ampora. You’re so thrown by your simultaneous desire to make him like you and talk to you and also your need to piss him off and see if he ends up taking it out on your helpless body. It’s much more annoying when he’s just ignoring you. You definitely don’t want that. You make his lights flicker, and he finally looks down at his phone.

ERIDAN: im sorry its upsettin to think about
SYSTEM: oh but why ever do you need two you and your 2iilver 2poon 2hould ju2t pretend u2 le22er2 dont exii2t
SYSTEM: fuck
SYSTEM: look dont 2top talkiing two me iill try two be le22 of an a22hole ju2t iidk pretend iit2 a bug or 2omethiing
ERIDAN: wwait you wwanna talk to me??
SYSTEM: dont let iit get two your giigantiic ego or anythiing iim a malfunctiioniing 2hiip wiith a biiologiical organii2m that wa2 born two be a 2ociial 2peciie2 and ii2 now well. you know the re2t.
ERIDAN: okay sorry for like takin advvantage a your loneliness or wwhatevver but i wwont disappear on you unless you wwant me to
SYSTEM: takiing advantage of my loneliine22 by talkiing two me that HA2 two be the funniie2t thiing iive ever heard liike let2 call iin all the lonely people and treat them two 2ome 2caldiing leaf fluiid and a2k them about theiir liive2 a2 part of an eviil plan two befriiend them iill even pour on that hiigh fructo2e grub2auce extra thiick
ERIDAN: i could help you get better company than me
SYSTEM: you are the one 2tupiid enough two engage wiith a 2hiip and even 2eek them out now you have two deal wiith me
ERIDAN: okay
ERIDAN: i cant tell you all the details to my plans though and i need you to respect that
SYSTEM: iim not goiing two freak out iif you want two be a captaiin and u2e a helm2man or whatever ed you can be open wiith me
ERIDAN: no i wwould NEVVER do that
ERIDAN: NEVVER
SYSTEM: um... okay?

Who’s going to tell him that’s how these ships work? You want to probe more but he’s looking away from his phone pensively, and you don’t want him to end the conversation with you by you pushing him too far again.

ERIDAN: look just i knoww im in no position to ask anythin a you but if theres anywway you can just trust that my vvagueness is for good reason id appreciate it
ERIDAN: i wwish you could see im wwell intentioned like ivve spent a lotta these swweeps in deep regret for the shit i did and tryna think a howw to be good in life like i wwasnt in the game
ERIDAN: and noww ivve a mission and im dedicated to it
SYSTEM: you alway2 do that dont you
ERIDAN: alwways do wwhat?

Before you can respond to him, there’s a knock on the door. You switch cameras to see it’s a teal-blooded female troll with really long curly hair and a sweet smile in the security outfit uniform. It’s a stark contrast reminder of lives unlived flitting under your skin, echoing through wires shot to the blatant reality in front of you. It is very irrational, considering his focus on you before was bullshit pitch flirting attempts, but you want his attention on you so badly it makes you feel like screaming again, loud and futile in the helmsblock. Pathetic, really, looking at anything as a threat.

“B.R.B.,” he says, switching his lamp on and crossing the room. “Oh, Sahfir, hi,” he says opening the door. You watch intently. Eridan hasn’t seemed friendly with anyone all day. Until now. He smiles when he sees her. You feel uneasy; you’re not used to emotional investment that isn’t linear horror.

“Hey, Eridan, just wanted to check in about your mission,” Sahfir says, and she smiles, lips upturned moving a black mole above her lips, and it’s cute. His mission?

“Uh.. what?” Eridan responds. Why is he so clueless on how to react to other people. You are very aware you aren’t one to talk, but it doesn’t matter cause you can’t fuck up in a normal nice setting like he is ever again anyways so, like, it doesn’t matter.

“I mean, did you communicate with the helmsman?” she says. She obviously wants to come in, but Eridan makes no inclination of letting her in his room. But she could still go in. You can’t, yet you still feel bare and seen.

SYSTEM: you told people about me?

Eridan gives a glance at the phone he left on his loungeplank. 

“Hey now’s not really a great time...” he says. She looks down, upset, at being brushed off.

“I did some research on it, on helmsmen,” she says. You’re beginning to not like where this is going.

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, we could talk some time when you’re not as busy?”

“I’m sorry I just. I just gotta check my phone, just a second.” Eridan leaves her standing in the doorway and rushes across his room to grab his phone.

ERIDAN: no not about you i just asked her if she kneww anythin bout communicatin wwith helmsmen cause i didnt knoww howw to get in contact wwith you
ERIDAN: ivve been tryin for the last wwhile
SYSTEM: dont be rude two her on my account.

Eridan glances up at the camera, then down across at Sahfir. 

“Wwe could get some scaldin bean wwater?” he offers. She nods, and you honestly do not like it at all. You have no clue why you’re acting possessive over Eridan and this troll that clearly likes him. Probably just because you have to wait even longer to talk to him, and he was busy like all night. And you should probably let him sleep today too.

You don’t bring up that it’s a little late for caffeine because hey he doesn’t need to be monitored when he’s not even talking to you. Not that you didn’t keep track of him all night, but all he was doing was working.

They walk towards the cafeteria together, and Sahfir tries to make small talk.

“I liked what you were saying about history repeating itself, and I really liked how you weren’t all Glory To The Empire!” she says. “Not that I’m, I just mean, it felt like a more balanced analysis.”

“I’m not bout more propaganda,” he says, looking down at his phone and not walking in a straight line.

ERIDAN: are you angry? shes no threat shes just someone i wwork wwith wwho wwas askin me bout wwhat i wwas alwways doin wwith my free time
SYSTEM: youre goiing two run iintwo 2omethiing.

“Yeah, I just think that’s cool, because like, I take critique of some aspects of the caste and culling system,” she says. No duh? “No offense.”

“Why would I take offense?” Eridan says, but he’s still not paying her much attention at repeatedly staring at his phone.

“Well, I just mean--sometimes trolls of your...”

“You mean you don’t think I’m better than you cause I’m a sea dweller? Congrats on passin ethics 101,” Eridan says.

SYSTEM: a22hole
SYSTEM: and a2 iif you diidnt go on liike you were a few 2weep2 back

ERIDAN: maladaptivve copin mechanisms

ERIDAN: also id yet to pass ethics 101

“Sorry, I’m distracted,” Eridan amends. They reach the cafeteria and make some coffee in awkward silence before sitting down. The room is empty at the late hour.

“Are you texting your matesprit?” Sahfir asks. Her question is transparent, but lifetime's worth of alternative memories come to mind, and you feel mildly uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that in this timeline the closest he ever came to liking you was convincing you to duel him.

SYSTEM: ehehehe are you?

“No, I don’t have a matesprit,” Eridan responds. He doesn’t reply to your messages though. That, and the way Sahfir definitely takes interest in Eridan not having a matesprit makes you feel weirdly upset and helpless. You decide against messaging him anymore, but you don’t want to stop watching somehow.

“Sorry about earlier, some highbloods get really touchy about that stuff...” she says. You bristle. You’re part of a security team for defending the empire that upholds that casteism as if you’re so evolved.

“Once I’d a best friend whose blood was higher than any of ours,” Eridan says. Oh. Yeah. You don’t like him talking about her. “We were moirails. She was gonna change everythin’ and I was so excited to watch her do it.”

“What?” Sahfir looks confused. “Do you mean a fuchsia blooded troll?” A look of sadness befalls her face. “Was she culled?”

“She was the heiress, yeah. She did die, and I’m no hero in that story,” Eridan says. 

SYSTEM: becau2e you fuckiing 2hot her
SYSTEM: she2 aliive now riight?
ERIDAN: yeah but people shouldnt knoww that
ERIDAN: and im sorry
ERIDAN: i nevver did apologise for that did i?
ERIDAN: im so fuckin sorry for killin your matesprit

“I’m so sorry for your loss, regardless, if you were once close...” Sahfir says.

“I didn’t deserve her in my life, but I guess my point is if she saw clearly how fucked up everythin is when she was so young, I don’t get how anyone could uphold this.”

“Uhm... because we’re culled if we don’t?” Sahfir looks rather cautious now. “You’re talking something mighty close to treason.”

“You’re not gonna report your violet blood boss for talkin treason. I’d like to see you try,” Eridan says. Why is he such an asshole sometimes. You want to like, mildly shock him or something, every time he starts talking stupid.

“Oh, uhm, sorry,” Sahfir says. She looks a little upset. She should be angry, which makes you angrier. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Helmsmen also work in the security system, though mostly unconsciously, so unless the helmsman you’re looking for “maintains intent” which was the part that confuses me the most, but as far as I can gather, the longer helmsmen are piloting ships they lose awareness and consciousness and function more on the programming, but they retain some level of sentience at the beginning. So to get a message to the helmsmen you’d need to make the actual system have reason to pay attention to you, unless you got lucky and they happened to choose to pay attention to you for some other reason. Otherwise, to directly communicate with them, you’d need to be one of their proctors or the mechanic,” she rambles. Yeah, yeah. We know all that. You’re going to lose what makes you alive in time. Eridan needs to stop looking like he’s going to barf into his cup.

“What causes the helmsmen to lose their “intent” or sentience,” he asks. You really fight the urge to send him a mocking message, but when you see what he last sent you, you realise you should probably respond to that first, and you’re too enraptured by the conversation.

“I can’t tell if it’s damage to their pan or psychological trauma over time,” Sahfir says. You do not like this conversation at all, you decide. “I think the best way to get a message to the helmsmen is to either ask the proctor or leave a message up in view of the cameras and hope they happen to see it.”

This is enough. You’re done. You’re done paying attention to Eridan and his date and their conversations about your matesprit he killed and how you’re going to lose everything that makes you alive.

SYSTEM: fuck you

You’re turning your attention elsewhere.

Turning your attention elsewhere accidentally just made you hyper aware of your body. The cuts don’t hurt anymore and neither does your nook, but your breathing is so painful. The smell of the room makes you want to gag. And you’re still not even used to how agonising it is to be held, locked, in the position you’re in, even if there’s a certain amount of numbness where the wires meet your skin. 

And it’s become increasingly distressing, the words written on your body, since Eridan saw them. It was so dumb at the time, why he found the need to further degrade an object that was part of the ship he just chose to brutalise. But it still hasn’t gone away and you’re not sure if that means the oils on your skin aren’t working the way they should or not. You just feel sick.

You try to just focus on your piloting duties, but your thoughts are so active and alive now. You keep thinking about Eridan and you keep thinking about your body and you keep thinking about the fact that this ship you’re running is a ship you’re running. It’s part of a real universe where real things happen and just because you have become pixels doesn’t mean everything else has.

You desperately want to talk to Eridan

When you turn your attention back to him, he’s alone in his room. He has his lamp on, and he’s on his loungeplank staring at the camera. He hasn’t messaged you at all, but his gaze doesn’t change even as minutes pass. What the fuck is he doing?

SYSTEM: youre beiing creepy
ERIDAN: i didnt knoww if i could message you
SYSTEM: 2o you ju2t 2tared at a 2ecuriity camera? not goiing two liie that2 kind of 2ketchy.
ERIDAN: i did commit a pretty big crime
ERIDAN: im sorry for blindin you too
ERIDAN: my list a crimes seems to be nevverendin
SYSTEM: oh get over iit you were 2iix and liiterally none of the thiing2 that happened were permanent iin the real world anyway2
ERIDAN: wwhat?
ERIDAN: arent you angry at me?
SYSTEM: ii thiink iim angriier at the iidea of lo2iing my 2entiience

You feel intensely vulnerable right now. Why did you say that?

SYSTEM: ii do NOT want two elaborate on how ii feel about you kiilliing FF or about how ii wiill cea2e two exii2t iin perhap2 the 2cariie2t way po22iible.
ERIDAN: fair but dont wworry bout losin sentience that wwont happen
SYSTEM: okay you can NOT be that fuckiing naiive
SYSTEM: waiit do you plan on kiilliing me
SYSTEM: ii cant encourage iit and iif ii know ii have two report iit but know youd be my almiighty 2aviior iif you diid
ERIDAN: im not gonna kill you and im not naivve im just a murderer
SYSTEM: what a 2entence
ERIDAN: shrugs
SYSTEM: ii can 2tiill 2ee you you know you could actually 2hrug.
SYSTEM: oh what2 wrong you 2eemed 2o much le22 lii2tle22 before 2eeiing that troll diid her long flowiing lock2 remiind you iit2 mopiing tiime
ERIDAN: just thinkin bout fef
SYSTEM: arent you 2uppo2ed two move on wiith liife or 2omethiing when you have a liife two liive?
ERIDAN: i thought wwe agreed i didnt havve a life?
ERIDAN: OH i meant to ask wwhat do you mean about i’m alwways like this? before sahfir came in.
SYSTEM: that2 kiind of embarra22iing two be hone2t
ERIDAN: noww you hafta tell me
SYSTEM: do ii now? what are you goiing two do beat me iif ii dont?

Eridan’s jaw actually drops in shock as he looks at “you." It’s so amusing for some reason. To shock and upset him. Over not wanting to hurt you.

ERIDAN: a COURSE not
ERIDAN: howw bout this if you tell me that ill tell you bout my last matesprit and trust me thats plenty more embarassin
SYSTEM: entiiciing. ii thiink iid rather 2ee you try two beat iit out of me
ERIDAN: good luck wwith that.
SYSTEM: iim not giiviing iin thii2 ii2nt iinformatiion you get two be priivy two
ERIDAN: fine
SYSTEM: am curiiou2 what2 2o embara22iing about your la2t mate2priit though make2 me want two tell you miine.
ERIDAN: yours?
SYSTEM: yep.
ERIDAN: theres not actually anythin to tell for me. thats the joke. ivve literally nevver had a matesprit.

You don’t think about the implications of that; it gives you a bad feeling. However, it also makes the part of you that has unverifiable flashes of memory from when you were being neurologically abused very happy for some reason. 

SYSTEM: ehehehe there ii laughed that diid briighten my mood thank2 for telliing me
SYSTEM: ii have had a mate2priit cau2e 2iix 2weep2 old me could get iit but you know that
SYSTEM: my la2t mate2priit wa2.... dun dun waiit for iit.......
SYSTEM: the beautiiful heiire22 wiith her bubbly laugh and fii2h pun2
SYSTEM: dont you wii2h you were me.
ERIDAN: hey but i already kneww that?
SYSTEM: ehehe
SYSTEM: not had any chance2 2iince two put my good look2 and charm two work
ERIDAN: wwell im glad at least i could brighten your day wwith some ability to mock me more.
ERIDAN: granted ivve been vvery focused
SYSTEM: of cour2e.
SYSTEM: oh iim keepiing you awake
ERIDAN: its okay im gonna be busy again tomorroww so i dont mind stayin up
SYSTEM: thiink that2 more rea2on two let you 2leep
SYSTEM: but hey were you 2eriiou2 about wantiing two help me cau2e
SYSTEM: nevermiind iit2 dumb.
ERIDAN: OH A COURSE
ERIDAN: please lemme knoww
ERIDAN: its not dumb to me
SYSTEM: 2omeone de2troyed my 2hiirt whiich liiterally 2houldnt matter but he diid iit 2peciifiically two
SYSTEM: ii ju2t want a new 2hiirt 2o ii dont have two thiink about iit when ii have two proce22 the phy2iical 2en2atiion2 iin my body and ii can feel iit
SYSTEM: ii mean my riib2 are al2o probably cracked two hell but
SYSTEM: ii ju2t dont want two thiink about hiim
ERIDAN: horuzd?

You freeze. How fucking dare Eridan.

SYSTEM: your turn two laugh at me.

But he isn’t laughing. He looks quite sick actually. He’s biting his lip and rewriting bullshit phrasing about how he isn’t laughing as if you can’t see all the ways he phrases it.

You feel the shame, sick honey thick, corroding. 

ERIDAN: dunno wwhats funny there
ERIDAN: i can absolutely get a neww shirt for you
ERIDAN: any colour you wwant?
SYSTEM: ii can let you deciide you can mark me up wiith your 2iign for all ii care what doe2 iit matter youre my quadrant proctor.
ERIDAN: and so wwas he.

You’re not sure if that’s a question, but you don’t know how it’s possible for it to be when the answer is pretty obvious. You don’t like this. You don’t like how every time you breathe you can feel proof that this has happened to you. And you certainly don’t like feeling the vent against your bare skin and knowing what words are written there. 

But you like Eridan knowing even less.

What the hell are you doing?

ERIDAN: ill quit noww.
SYSTEM: you giive up really fa2t.

Laboured breathing means increased pain in your chest. It’s how you notice you’re hyperventilating.

ERIDAN: tell me wwhat you wwant
SYSTEM: ii diid.
SYSTEM: 2top actiing a2 iif ii have any choiice iin the2e matter2.
ERIDAN: sorry
SYSTEM: plea2e dont quiit.
ERIDAN: okay i wwont
ERIDAN: ill make you a black shirt okay?
ERIDAN: and i can get vvelcro on the sleevves so it can attach from either side wwithout your arms goin through
SYSTEM: whatever work2 you dont have two.
SYSTEM: you 2hould go two 2leep
ERIDAN: i dont wwanna go to sleep knowwin ivve hurt you
SYSTEM: iit2 good tiimiing though
SYSTEM: becau2e ii dont want two talk two you
ERIDAN: im sorry
SYSTEM: iit2 not your fuckiing fault re2t ea2y
SYSTEM: iit2 my fault for a2kiing
SYSTEM: ii dont know why ii diid that
ERIDAN: wwell... youre a system? tryna take care of a bug wwhich happens to be clothin related so you can function better?
SYSTEM: iit2 a very miinor bug but you cant fiix my riib2 2o
ERIDAN: oh wwell hm
ERIDAN: lemme look into that?
ERIDAN: i gotta medicalizer but its not fit for torsos.
SYSTEM: iit liiterally doe2nt matter he could have done 2o much wor2e two me he wa2 ju2t gettiing 2tarted
ERIDAN: no one wwill evver hurt you like that again i promise
SYSTEM: you cant promii2e me that?
ERIDAN: wwell i am
SYSTEM: good morniing ed
SYSTEM: naiive
ERIDAN: wwell im right
ERIDAN: good morniing
SYSTEM: thanks for under2tandiing, the fact that there2 a gliitch that need2 fiixiing.
ERIDAN: course

You don’t want him to ever think that name again.

It makes you sick and cold. The universes should split in two. The game had a point, and you want to have worth to him. It is stupid though. Considering, no matter how much you annoy him, you're just a fucking battery.

But he doesn't make you feel like one.

Chapter Text

You act like a complete asshole to Eridan. You don’t know why it makes you feel so much better, but it does. There’s all these seconds where you’re certain he’s done with your bullshit and is going to ignore you, but he doesn’t. He’s either working, talking to you, or tracking down fabric to make you a new fucking shirt. He treats you like a priority even as you try to convince him that hey he should beat you up now; he’d definitely win in a duel.

You must be the most annoying computer virus ever.

You make fun of his outfit (it’s literally just the same uniform that everyone else wears on the ship except he has like, some extra weapons because he’s the head of security). You call him the worst. You’re not that creative about it. But you assume and assume the worst and make him sit there perplexed trying to figure out how to navigate responding to you. You watch his face in abhorrence at the thought of hurting you, and it brings you some element of joy.

You message him in the middle of his job while he’s talking to a bunch of other trolls, and he immediately checks his phone, and you watch him, watch him shuffle and say “it’s important.” But all you messaged him was, “made you look.”

You don’t get why he doesn’t get angry at you. You’re tempting and tempting and tempting him to try to hurt you, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t lash out or ignore or harm you in any way. He doesn’t even yell at the security cameras.

You make his WiFi slow then open up a server message saying the server has infected his husktop because he’s a dumbass, and all he does is say out loud, “Oh this’s so sad... all I do is communicate with the server and now it’s sendin’ me messages. So disappointin’.”

You want to turn all his lights on and wake him up in the middle of the day just to see if he’ll come attack you then like Horuzd did, but also you don’t want to disrupt his sleep because he stays up way too late messaging you about everything from what’s been happening the last few sweeps to listening to you yammer on about how scary it is when you kept getting electrocuted trying to defy your wiring. He searches for anything you want him to on the internet and repeatedly offers to work as a proxy to anyone you want to speak to. He makes you feel real and he brings you joy, and it’s so fucking terrifying.

He never once mocks you for the position you’re in. You can tell he’s handpicking all his responses for the most positive impact on you. In everything he’s doing, he’s trying to help you. You don’t understand at all.

He ends up getting Sahfir to help him make the shirt because apparently he always relied on Kanaya for help on anything clothing-related before. You watch her sometimes too, which almost makes you feel guilty because she seems to be really nice, but you seethe when she goes on about her boss she’s red for.

ERIDAN: idk if this is somethin i shouldnt fucking say but thanks for talkin to me so much you dont hafta or anythin but i really enjoy your company
SYSTEM: ??
SYSTEM: ii am liiterally bullyiing you. ii am a maliiciiou2 viiru2. you 2hould try two de2troy me or 2omethiing.
ERIDAN: yeah yeah sol wwe both knoww if you wwanted to hurt me you could
ERIDAN: like if this is what you think is bullyin sol im wworried about you actually come on
ERIDAN: fef said meaner things to me wwhen wwe wwere moirails
SYSTEM: you get how that2 bad riight.
ERIDAN: wwhatevver. you pull evvery punch and youre funny. ivve been in your pan and youvve been in mine so yknoww. i knoww.
ERIDAN: i just fuckin like talkin to you anywways i finished the shirt i think and i wwanted to check in wwhat i shouldnt do in the helmsblock so i dont fuckin fuck up like last time
SYSTEM: never touch the perceptiion 2wiitch or the emotiional moniitor. not that compliicated theyre the only thiing2 iin there 2o iif you 2ee a button: dont pre22 iit.
ERIDAN: got you
ERIDAN: is noww an okay time?
SYSTEM: you can liiterally come here any tiime you want two iit2 part of your job ii can run a 2hiip no matter where you are and even when iim offline for a few hour2 the autopiilot work2.
ERIDAN: well tell me if now is a time you want me to come over
SYSTEM: oh.,
SYSTEM: 2ure?

Why is he so fucking considerate. Even in your positive memories of him, you don’t remember that. Did he take some sort of class on it? It makes you want to shock him, too. Shocks for being an ass and shocks for being considerate. Guess your duality is at work. Might end up with some confusing results.

There’s a part of you that wonders if the only reason he’s acting like this to you is the state that you’re in. That he’s anxious and terrified of it, on high alert, like you’re made of some fragile fucking glass. You know there’s no way to avoid that some part of that is true, and it makes you feel sick, how what he saw of you is changing how he acts with you. But you know Eridan enough to know you do need it. You’re too fucking weak to handle how casually vile he can be right now, and it makes you hate yourself even more that you appreciate him trying to be careful.

Your objectification does not mean you get to avoid responsibility for how fucking defective you are.

You monitor him anxiously. For some reason, he looks for some hair products before leaving his block. Is he... planning on doing hair? You kind of don’t want any product in your own.

But you suppose he can do whatever he wants to you.

He knocks on the helmsblock door which is really funny to you because if anyone walked by and saw him they’d think he was insane, and what are you going to do? Walk across the room and open the door for him?

SYSTEM: uh come iin?
SYSTEM: bulge 2crub.

When he enters the block though, and you realise he can see you again, your biological body, that he hasn’t been this whole time and now he can see the evidence of--

What you must look like to him. No wonder he’s not acting like himself. All your fucking indignity and mortification is served up on a platter, and you guess even he seems to give a fuck enough to monitor himself.

You hate yourself so much. It’s one thing to have been stupid enough to been caught and not foresee the game ending and getting stuck into this life before you had a chance to run, being forced through things you cannot stop. It’s another to be ruined by it. And you’re so ruined: Eridan sees it all over you.

You filter him in through your eyes. And that means you can’t zoom. It’s an adjustment.

“Hi, Sol,” he says. Despite referring to yourself as a system and despite trying to convince him you’re nothing more than a sentient object powering a ship, you can’t bring yourself to ask him to stop calling you that. He makes you have a soft spot in your pusher for nicknames. You just cannot make yourself immune to whatever he’s doing to you.

SYSTEM: hey ed

“I’m gonna hafta touch you to replace your shirt,” he says, standing across the entire block from you.

SYSTEM: no duh waiit no ii expected you to materiialii2e iit on me lol

“You have to tell me it’s okay.” he says, rather anxiously, still not coming any closer.

SYSTEM: iit2 okay ii a2ked you two

But having him walk closer to you does make you feel vulnerable and scared. Maybe that’s why you’re acting like he’s so stupid to check in with you. The adjustment to becoming immobile and degraded is more difficult around someone you used to be mobile and proud around.

You need a distraction.

SYSTEM: why do you have haiir product2 do you want two do my haiir? dont thiink that2 the thiing botheriing me.
ERIDAN: the brand a hair spray i havve gets out permanent marker easy
ERIDAN: i dont needa use it
ERIDAN: though i do agree your hair is fuckin atrocious right noww

That is not a distraction from your vulnerability. You look at Eridan, only a couple feet away from you now. He looks so shy and cautious. It occurs to you just how grateful you actually are, for the way he’s been treating you. For how he’s been caring about you. You’re so scared of it flipping suddenly that you haven’t been able to appreciate how he’s treating your forced exposure. He’s so careful.

SYSTEM: ii really would appreciiate that

He sprays the product directly onto a cloth he retrieves from his pocket. The room gets filled with the stench of hairspray. It almost makes you cough, but it also covers up another smell that always lingers in this enclosed space. He moves so slowly towards you, as if giving you every second possible to tell him to fuck off.

“T’th okay,” you try to reassure him. He looks directly at you wide-eyed. You see the corner of his mouth fight a smile. He nods before crouching down and places the cold rag against your skin.

You flinch despite yourself, and he instantly pulls away. You’re too embarrassed to say any more, but after a second, Eridan tries again, and you try to remain still, looking down at him. It works, you see. It works. The words, already somewhat faded, are all but gone. He resprays the cloth away from you before trying to remove the arrow.

It’s too much. You message Eridan, and he pulls away immediately the second he hears the ding, as if he’s been shocked.

SYSTEM: are you not mockiing me becau2e iim ju2t a viictiim two you or becau2e iim 2iimply a damaged object

Eridan’s eyebrows narrow together and he fails to school his expression away from disturbed. He takes a step back from you before he types in a response.

ERIDAN: no.
ERIDAN: neither? like obviously youre a victim but im not mockin you cause theres nothin to mock
ERIDAN: i knoww i wwas antagonistic wwhen wwe wwere young but thats cause youre insufferable and fuckin dramatic and chaotic like wwoww and havve you HEARD a fashion but it wwas also cause you wwere evverythin i hated about myself AND evverythin i hated myself for not bein like youre just so GOOD and SMART and POWWERFUL
ERIDAN: i dont think less a you cause an entire empire conspired to cause you atrocities
ERIDAN: i respect you all the same
ERIDAN: tbh i mostly just wwanted you to pay attention to me so
ERIDAN: not that you should hafta pay attention to me noww or anythin sorry i just mean that theres no reason wwhy i wwould evver think poorly a you noww and i nevver wwanted to see you hurt sincerely or i did but not like really

You don’t know why he’s going on the way he is, if you really sounded so insecure he thought you needed to hear it, but you’re overwhelmed. The affection makes you feel like you’re glowing. You feel an inordinate amount of trust.

SYSTEM: there2 wriitiing on my leg2 two

Eridan doesn’t say anything for a minute. You almost wish he would calm down on his anxiety a bit and just say what was on his mind without having to assess the situation for minimum destruction.

ERIDAN: you want me to talk your pants off or is it low
SYSTEM: iit2 really hiigh

It’s on your fucking upper thighs.

“Can I?” Eridan says, not elaborating, but you try to nod. It hurts and may be imperceptible.

SYSTEM: go ahead

Eridan first finishes wiping the arrow off your body. You just let yourself filter the sensation immediately. The lower he rubs the more your body seems to react, and you don’t like that, feeling humiliated, ruined, like you have wanted what has happened to you, like you’re gagging for it. It’s cold and sickly, unbearable. He finishes and then goes to unbutton your pants.

You’re surprised by the ardour which you just want every trace of Horuzd removed when it’s not like it matters. You have to show the person you previously wanted to hide it from the most. Maybe you sincerely believe he won’t think less of you for it.

Eridan unbuttons them down and then goes to lift the hem of your boxers, and you recoil. He pulls away, but you make no motion to stop him. You think you honestly believe he’s not going to hurt you.

He moves the hem up very slowly, which embarrasses you given how high up it’s written.

“Ah I see,” Eridan says finally, and you feel the cold rag on your upper thigh. You’re surprised it doesn’t make you feel sicker, but it does make you feel something, and it’s wildly uncomfortable, overwhelming. “Both?” he asks

“Yeah,” you breathe. You see him nod before repeating the action on your other leg, quicker this time.

You realise it is a good thing he talked about his stupid pitch crush on you earlier. It helps counter how overflowing with pity this feels now.

“I think I got it all, I mean I did,” he says, and he buttons back your pants up.

SYSTEM: what diid iit 2ay.
ERIDAN: you dont knoww?

You wouldn’t ask if you knew.

SYSTEM: can you tell me?

“It, uhm,” Eridan looks disconcerted. “Right was ‘property,’” he says. “The other said ‘pan-fried whore.’”

It catches in your breath, hearing him say that. Realising he’s seen you through the frame of these terms. Your ribs pang with it, and you try not to visually react more than that. You try to numb yourself. His eyes on you, seeing you for what you are now — you can't handle it.

You’re so very thankful half your thought processes have been piloting a ship. You’re thankful you trust it to stay that way.

ERIDAN: im sorry
SYSTEM: what. iit2 not liike he liied.

Eridan looks directly into your eyes, your actual eyes.

“No,” he says, determined. You may be able to see him with greater focus with the video camera. But this feels far more intimate. You’re seen.

SYSTEM: no?

You’re not sure how much you messaged him just so he’d avert his gaze to his phone. But he immediately looks back up.

“Don’t fuckin’ internalise things sadistic bastards who know nothin’ bout you do,” he says.

SYSTEM: now youre telliing me what two iinternalii2e?

Usually when you say stuff like that, he immediately backs off. Acts reproached. But he doesn’t falter.

“Guess so since you’re doin’ a shit job,” he says. It’s all but too much. “Can I replace your shirt now?”

“Yes,” you lisp. He must hear you because he pulls a knife out, and you immediately cringe so hard your body actually moves in its bounds. For a second, you forget who he is.

“Hey, hey, calm the fuck down, it’s just to cut your old shirt off,” Eridan says, the knife lowered in his hand, held in the opposite direction of your body.

SYSTEM: okay

He moves his hand so slowly up towards the most ripped part of your shirt. You think he probably could have ripped the rest of it with his highblood strength or whatever, but whatever. He then has to hold your body forward slightly from the wall to pull it off, and you realise you need to stop paying so much attention to him and process other things immediately because the entire process is once again too much.

It’s intimate.

So you check on Sahfir while Eridan hooks the back of the shirt he made you up to button the front half. She’s just watching a television programme in her block, but the sight of her makes you angry. Running a ship is too easy. You need to be under attack or something so it’s more distracting.

“I also made two Gemini pins with some beads,” Eridan says. You already know, since you saw him making them. It warms your heart, but you’re still upset thinking about Sahfir. Which is really dumb. “One’s red and one’s blue. I thought maybe they’d spruce up your outfit, but I wasn’t sure what you wanted.”

SYSTEM: thank you

You don’t tell him you’re scared that once he leaves the pins will be used as a weapon against you. What does it matter? Everyone on these ships carries knives.

You really want something on you that he made; something to remember him by. Even if this ends in hell, even if he’s completely incorrigible, he gave you hope when you were all but gone from this world. It’s proof, that your friends were at least alive.

Also, it’s just really sweet, the fact he made two, the fact they're in red and blue.

He pins it on, and you know this is the end, and he hasn’t hurt you at all, and you realise with a certain amount of sadness, that you actually in some way miss being close to others without being hurt. He pulls away immediately after.

“It’s all done.”

SYSTEM: could you mop the floor?
SYSTEM: ii thiink iit2 nalera2 job but 2he diidnt.

Incredulously, Eridan grins at you requesting him to do janitorial work.

“Be right back,” he says. You watch him rush to get some water and soap before coming back. When he pulls the mop from the closet in the helmsblock out, your breath quickens and you feel it again in your ribs.

“Sol?”

You don’t want to elaborate. But Eridan doesn’t ignore you to work on the floor until your breath is under control. Why does he have to be so concerned all the time?

Luckily, when he’s back into his respiteblock, you’re able to keep the conversation light. Ignore trunkbeasts in the room. He does eventually say he hopes he did more good than harm today, in the long run.

How do you explain you already know he has?

It makes him so happy, you see, for him to know you’re grateful. You see that look on his face, and there's something in this universe that fucking matters to you. You feel it on your body too, things that he has done for you. Like there's something there that could almost be real.

Chapter Text

ERIDAN: yknoww wwhat i noticed
ERIDAN: wwhile you wwerent convvincin evver your insults are gone
ERIDAN: wwhich perhaps is for the best?
SYSTEM: why do you 2pend all your tiime talkiing two a gho2t.
SYSTEM: why are you even doiing thii2
SYSTEM: when are you goiing two realii2e that even loneliine22 ii2 better than thii2 ii dont fuckiing get iit.

Why doesn’t he hate you? Why doesn’t he stop? When will the allure end? He’s been talking to you for so many nights. Is this even real? Anyways, isn’t he far too reserved to be Eridan? And all of your friends are alive? That seems too good to be true. You have to ask him day after day.

ERIDAN: i do enjoy talkin to you and im here to help you i told you thats as clear as i can be
SYSTEM: ii2 that how you handle your guiilt?
ERIDAN: wwhat
SYSTEM: 2ahfiir liike2 you. 2he2 red for you. ii dont know how you can be 2o obtu2e two mii22 that but 2he2 liike talkiing two her friiend2 riight now about how 2he2 cru2hiing on her bo22 liike a2 we 2peak 2he ju2t called you dreamy.

Eridan’s used to your mood swings by now, but he looks extra perturbed.

ERIDAN: oh? dont lemme vviolate her privvacy
SYSTEM: 2he wouldnt care you 2hould go and paiil her have a fuckiing mate2priit
SYSTEM: then you wont need me.
ERIDAN: WWHAT

He’s an angry meowbeast. His face is all scrunched up. You’ve finally pissed him off. You've succeeded, you guess. It's glittery and surreal.

Granted, he’s right. You did stop trying. When you realised that no amount of annoying remarks that were specifically engineered to not sincerely hurt him would convince him to hurt you. It’s something akin to trust.

SYSTEM: 2ahfiir liike2 you.
ERIDAN: i got THAT
ERIDAN: wwhat do you fuckin mean i wwont need you
SYSTEM: ju2t go fuck the attractiive troll that2 been fliirtiing wiith you for probably well over a periigee now.
ERIDAN: sol youre bein super bloody cryptic and
ERIDAN: im not interested in sahfir like that shes cool and all but
ERIDAN: shes not my type
SYSTEM: really? becau2e hone2tly 2he2 A LOT liike FF lmao
SYSTEM: miight not 2ee iit a2 much 2iince 2he2 2o anxiiou2 around you cau2e of her feeliing2 but 2he even look2 a lot liike her.
SYSTEM: all bubbly and kiind wiith 2urface level iideal2 and curly long haiir and even the 2ame body type.
SYSTEM: ii mean, ii a22ume.
SYSTEM: ehehehe
SYSTEM: OH, II GET IIT.
SYSTEM: what you REALLY liiked about FF wa2 her BLOOD COLOUR and 2ahfiir ii2 but a lowly teal.

“STOP!” Eridan yells. Are you hitting a nerve? Maybe it’s all the sleep deprivation from talking to some stupid virus that’s infected his life that’s making him so on edge.

SYSTEM: bet you could do all the 2adii2tiic thiing2 your 2adii2tiic pu2her de2iire2 two me though hm.
SYSTEM: nothiing ii could do two 2top you.
SYSTEM: thiing2 you couldnt ever dream of doiing two FF or 2ome pretty land dweller.
SYSTEM: though hone2tly eriidan doe2 beiing a land dweller matter much when were all iin fuckiing 2pace.
SYSTEM: anyway2 you 2hould probably fuck 2omeone 2oon.
SYSTEM: and 2he liike2 you wouldnt that be ea2iier.
SYSTEM: fiinally could get riid of your computer viiru2.
ERIDAN: shut the FUCK up

You think you feel mildly high on something. Maybe it’s the glare Eridan is sending his security camera. Maybe it’s fear.

SYSTEM: 2ee told you you need two paiil relea2e 2ome of that ten2iion.

Eridan types out the sentence “do you honestly still think im here to rape you.” before deleting it, and it makes you giddy on disorientation.

SYSTEM: got two avoiid the drone2 2omehow.
ERIDAN: bugwwinged hell sol ivve a bloody kismesis
ERIDAN: is that wwhat youre on about? that im here to

Eridan types out the sentence “this is distressin im distressed” before deleting it, and it makes you dizzy. You genuinely feel it, like a sense memory of thin air wiring through your system to process and process and process. Sometimes you wonder if you could write some code to shut this off, to disconnect from the helmsman's biological body completely. It's distracting. You're hurting him.

ERIDAN: IM NOT FUCKIN HERE TO PAIL YOU
SYSTEM: okay.
ERIDAN: okay?
SYSTEM: ii dont thiink ii know what2 goiing on at all actually
SYSTEM: liike iim really confu2ed
SYSTEM: iim not 2ure iif youre real at all iit doe2nt make 2en2e for you two be here
SYSTEM: maybe my thiink pan concocted iit two cope becau2e iive become dii2connected from the real world.
SYSTEM: ii thiink iive lo2t my 2entiience or am iin the proce22.
SYSTEM: 2o iim tryiing two fiind any way of makiing iit logiical that eriidan ampora would be here iin2tead of the obviiou2 an2wer: he ii2nt.
ERIDAN: sol no im here im real
SYSTEM: ii dont want you two paiil 2ahfiir and 2he doe2nt know you.
ERIDAN: i mean im not interested in her but okay
SYSTEM: you have a kii2me2ii2
SYSTEM: youre not here two hurt me ii mean ii even dii2tre22ed you are you goiing two hurt me now?
ERIDAN: sol no im just wworried
SYSTEM: 2ee. the mo2t you do ii2 u2e cap2lock at me. 2o youre not here out of 2elf iintere2t OR for revenge
ERIDAN: i still dont evven knoww wwhat revvenge youd mean
SYSTEM: youre not real.
ERIDAN: is it so hard to believe that i JUST WANNA FUCKIN HELP YOU

You’re so confused. Usually, you can manage to disengage from Eridan when you get confused like this. Usually, you can stop talking to him before you can’t understand who he is. You’re getting increasingly afraid.

SYSTEM: who2 your kii2me2ii2?
ERIDAN: vvris wwe havve an on and off thin but im not wworried bout the drones evver
SYSTEM: 2ee my thiink pan would totally an2wer iit that way becau2e 2he wa2 your kii2me2ii2 iin thii2 tiimeliine la2t before the game.
ERIDAN: i guess i cant provve to you wwith certainty that this isnt all an elaborate design in your pan but sol you should choose to trust that it isnt otherwwise i could say the same thing i mean after wwhat happened wwith the game wwhos to say. but for the sake of ration can wwe assume im here. and im gonna help you. and you dont needa fucking wworry about all the suffering youvve had thats hurt you this badly. or bout sahfir

You’re reeling. You keep thinking about how your inability to comprehend has hurt him, and you can’t make sense of much else. You think he said something earlier that made things get confusing, but you’re not even sure what.

But also, you trust him.

SYSTEM: youre 2iincerely ju2t here two... hang out wiith me? two 2pend tiime wiith a 2hiip?
ERIDAN: you dont hafta hang out wwith me but yeah im here to help
SYSTEM: iim confu2ed and iim 2orry and ii diidnt want two dii2tre22 you
ERIDAN: no its okay really its a bit distressin thinkin ivve made things wworse or hurt you but its not your fault sorry for yellin
SYSTEM: ii thiink,
SYSTEM: ii thiink ii tru2t you.
SYSTEM: but, al2o,
SYSTEM: ii thiink that2 wor2e?

Eridan’s hands are shaking holding his phone.

ERIDAN: wwhy wwhat did i do wwhat do you mean
SYSTEM: becau2e iit mean2 youre goiing two leave.

Now he just looks perplexed, squinting. He lightly rocks back and forth a little bit. Did he really not see this coming? That if he came at took you out of enduring pain and gave you reasons to exist again, in some minor confined way, that it wouldn’t be all the more damaging to return to the life you came from?

ERIDAN: im not leavvin
SYSTEM: ??
SYSTEM: then you have two paiil me
ERIDAN: IM! NOT! HERE! TO! PAIL! YOU!
SYSTEM: ii know actually ii thiink ii tru2t you?
SYSTEM: ii dont know iif youre actiing purpo2ely obtu2e, but
SYSTEM: 2omeone ii2 goiing two paiil me.
SYSTEM: riight now, that2 your job whiich youve yet two do
SYSTEM: and tru2t me youre not goiing two get cogniizance from me iif
SYSTEM: you have helped me okay and yeah iim 2tiill really confu2ed riight now and ii dont entiirely tru2t that you arent a fiigment of a malfunctiioniing neurologiical 2y2tem but iif you are real and iif youre here for why you 2ay you are then dont you get how much more terriifyiing that ii2
SYSTEM: two have 2omethiing two lo2e?
ERIDAN: okay okay first off thanks for trustin me
ERIDAN: wwe got time okay i knoww wwhat youre referrin to and all but its almost a swweep before thats a concern please just gimme that time you dont gotta wworry about this
SYSTEM: ??
SYSTEM: no?
SYSTEM: the one troll who 2peciifiically triied two paiil me a2 iinfrequently a2 po22iible, al2o the only one ii wouldnt boiil aliive giiven the chance, had two every few periigee2?
SYSTEM: damn they really need more helm2men huh. almo2t liike iif we made thii2 a publiic outrage the empiire would be 2talled iin expan2iion. al2o for avoiidiing electrocutiion purpo2e2 that ii2 a joke.
ERIDAN: what

Eridan looks stricken. Apparently, this is news to him. He rocks back and forth a little more violently on the loungeplank, not daring to look at the camera. He looks quite ill. When he finally looks at his phone again, it isn’t to elaborate towards you. He opens up a chat client.

bygoneUtilitarian [BU] began trolling octennialBuccaneer [OB]

BU: pytyonw;umw oamir pjst
BU: onmpr pjst
BU: on;idumf ,t,ums
BU: ! & C mwrsri yeidr,w mie

SYSTEM: you know be2iide2 beiing a fuckiing geniiu2 who wa2 liiterally known for hii2 a2tonii2hiing pattern 2kiill2 back iin the day ii LIITERALLY have an entiire 2hiip2 worth of computatiion power
ERIDAN: im literally beggin you not a translate the code if thats what youre implyin

Interesting.

SYSTEM: what2 2o priivate you dont want me two 2ee?
ERIDAN: its not YOU that cant see sol

Oh. Oh no. You hope desperately he says no to your next question no matter the answer.

SYSTEM: ii2 iit a threat two thii2 shiip or the empiire?
ERIDAN: no.
SYSTEM: ii wiill tru2t you. ii tru2t you.

Eridan pulls at his hair before opening another chat client.

Some part of your think pan snaps off. He is so stupid to not understand how codes can so easily crack. Your eyes on them: it is safety.

You fantasize about 0's and 1's and all the fucking brackets.

bygoneUtilitarian [BU] began trolling frozenUnknown [FU]

BU: gitDX jiegaadr
FU: ji;sobfDX jidrsfrsaa naaor jaaayi nwygr eitayygobh ppidaov;w
FU: kill yourself and rot in hell.

frozenUnknown [FU] has blocked bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

SYSTEM: holy fuck ed what2 goiing on

OB: vaamtydg
OB: eppoyajaad uwyaa hs,w[kaam smsmi rtwapb G
OB: skdion s;uhgyuwaat pyy
OB: Haven’t seen you this upset in a while though????????
OB: Do you need to talk ::::(
BU: DXdraayya veoroxsk

ERIDAN: wwhats the name of the troll
SYSTEM: what troll?
ERIDAN: the one you wwouldnt kill
SYSTEM: dont contact hiim
SYSTEM: plea2e what are you doiing
SYSTEM: iim goiing two decode thii2
ERIDAN: NO i wwont contact him i SWWEAR
ERIDAN: sol im losin it right noww but decodin this shit could hurt your friends
SYSTEM: oh.
ERIDAN: you said you trust me?
SYSTEM: okay
SYSTEM: ii wont decode iit and hii2 name wa2 cariido
ERIDAN: thank you.

BU: oumwraa pefwts juyokk [sugy;k [eoxr
OB: I mean sure?
OB: ma,wd
BU: verdgaatjosdqw mijgsepaa;umaar
OB: hiyor
OB: You sure you don’t want to talk? I don’t want to see you fucked up like Mavien m8de you again. You’re no fun like that.
BU: DXoa ygrpbr nwobhjytr
BU: ewjscr yifi ygud ewjaagrs daabwju, rcwmod ygru gaaok
OB: jie
BU: jw;onr jukxlygr dgootwhstfkrad
OB: fy,8 44ir dytw
OB: 3LM Tobyqp
BU: youvve no idea howw grateful i am for the support wwith this
OB: You know I’m just doing this to mess with Terezi right?
BU: of course
OB: dwruiy ygrb

octennialBuccaneer [OB] has ceased trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

SYSTEM: can ii a2k what the fuck ii2 up now?
ERIDAN: wwhat happens if i just suck at my job and dont pail you or wwhatevver?
SYSTEM: you get fiired and ii get 2omeone much more 2adii2tiic and ii never 2peak two you agaiin.
ERIDAN: sollux i needa i need

Eridan throws his phone across the block and the case bounces off the bottom corner of the wall. He stands up and starts frantically pacing in the dark. You really do not know if you’re well equipped right now to handle Eridan breaking down when you’ve been already gone this entire time. But the adoration you have for him seems to cut through some of the confusion that pervades your psyche.

SYSTEM: what do you need?

The ding from your message makes Eridan’s subtle silhouette freeze. He fumbles to find his phone. Why does it make you care about him all the more just for his refusal to ignore you?

ERIDAN: i needa fuckin KILL MYSELF so i can finally make them HAPPY

Eridan’s eyebrows go up the second after he sends the message and furiously types more.

ERIDAN: im so sorry you dont need my melodrama
ERIDAN: and me dyin wwont do you any good at least not right noww
SYSTEM: iim 2orry about lo2iing iit earliier how can ii help
SYSTEM: you know ii do care about you iimmen2ely ii know iive been 2hiit at 2howiing iit whiile all you do ii2 help me and update me on the plot2 two all my favouriite game2 ii mii22ed but ii do care about you
ERIDAN: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA
ERIDAN: i care about you too! so fuckin much!
ERIDAN: i care about you so much its in my prong tips and clawws and bones and it fills up this entire fuckin distance a space that exists
ERIDAN: your wwellbein matters so much to me i just wwant you to nevver be hurt by anyone evver again
ERIDAN: oh fuck oh FUCK
ERIDAN: brb

Eridan hastily leaves the block to go to the communal ship ablutionblock. You’re unable to follow him with your cameras. You’re left shocked and overwhelmed. Eridan has been so reserved and composed, and while he says every night that he wants to help you, it’s always from a detached way. Like you’re some sort of charity case. He’s never said he’s cared about you like that.

But you’re equal parts affected by his expression of distress. Who the hell is telling him to kill himself? If you weren’t sure the request would deeply disturb him, you’d ask Eridan if you could speak to whoever sent that message and curse them out or something. Granted, you have no clue what most of what was being said was. You already have an inkling of how to decode it, but you’re not going to do that. You’re not. You're the rocks on the shore.

When Eridan returns, he moves stiffly, leaves the light off in his block, sits on his loungeplank, and looks utterly drained and flat. You think you preferred him when he was bright and panicked and losing it. He picks his phone up immediately, though, which you’re glad for because you desperately want to keep talking to him. It’s been a really intense night for the both of you, and while you think you finally trust him completely, you’re not sure what that cost is.

ERIDAN: sorry bout that i knoww im a lot im tryna fix it
SYSTEM: diid you mean what you 2aiid about cariing about me though?
ERIDAN: ..
ERIDAN: i mean i meant it but im sorry for sayin it you dont needa take anythin from it
SYSTEM: no ii ju2t.
SYSTEM: ii never expected anyone two genuiinely care about me agaiin.
SYSTEM: and iim glad iit2 you.
SYSTEM: ii care about you two and fuck whoever doe2nt 2ee how much you matter.

Some of the lifelessness on Eridan’s face has softened, and it travels into a smile. Yeah, wow. You really like doing that.

ERIDAN: you may wwreck havoc on my sleep cause all i wwanna do is alwways talk to you but wwoww if you dont matter
SYSTEM: you know ii dont care iif youre emotiional riight? liike what a hypocriite that would make me
ERIDAN: idk howw to make it so. so no one.

Eridan is crying. He angrily swipes at his tears and hides under a snuggleplane. It’s quite annoying, to not see him, but you guess you’re on equal grounding then.

ERIDAN: i dont wwant anyone to hurt you again and idk howw to prevvent it
SYSTEM: ii know. that2 not your fault you wanted two help me and you have iit2 not liike you could 2ave me.
ERIDAN: idk
ERIDAN: i feel like ivve failed you
ERIDAN: and i can get a bit crazy wwhen im hopeless so sorry
SYSTEM: ii2 the rea2on why youre hiidiing your face becau2e youre cryiing?
ERIDAN: wwell cmon you gimme NO privvacy a lads gotta cry at some point
ERIDAN: yeah yeah wwe get it i hafta havve all the feelins all the time evven wwhen none a it is to do wwith me im a wwhiny pathetic melodramatic wwiggler wwho cant calm the fuck down
ERIDAN: but i swear on evverythin im tryna be good
SYSTEM: iill take that a2 a ye2
ERIDAN: ..
SYSTEM: ii love how you alway2 do that for me. the two2
SYSTEM: 2ometiime2 youre 2o dumb and obviiou2 wiith your 2tupiid care and your 2tupiid mannerii2m2 ii want two drown you but like iin affectiion but al2o water
ERIDAN: oh
ERIDAN: wwoww
ERIDAN: sol you really dont gotta care bout me
SYSTEM: youve made iit abundantly clear that youre not here wiith an ulteriior motiive ED dont worry ii ju2t happen two al2o be a biit of a whiiny pathetiic melodramatiic wiiggler my2elf 2ometiime2 but dont repeat ii 2aid that or iill ju2t delete the log and 2ay the computer 2y2tem triicked you.
ERIDAN: but you dont needa calm me dowwn like you alwways do thats not your responsibility
SYSTEM: my re2pon2iibiiliitiie2 are fucked up and iid rather not thiink of them thii2 ii2 a choiice and iim glad you thiink ii calm you down becau2e ii wa2 more under the iimpre22iion ii wa2 an iin2ane computer viiru2 that dii2tre22ed you and that you 2hould drop any 2econd once you get bored of your moral re2pon2iibiiliity two me.
ERIDAN: UGH youre so fuckin STUPID i nevver evven sent that you fuckin SPIED on me and saww me freakin out let it GO you make my life better
SYSTEM: oh 2o now iim 2tupiid ii2 iit becau2e my thiink pan ii2 beiing friied ii thiink that2 ableii2t ed
ERIDAN: wwhat? no? im talkin about you needlin me about somethin i nevver evven said
ERIDAN: oh wwait youre messin wwith me arent you
SYSTEM: he fiinally catche2 on
ERIDAN: i digress that youre stupid cause you got book smarts and youre intelligent so theres no ableism there you just remain a complete nitwwit idiot
SYSTEM: t2k t2k
SYSTEM: 2tiill thiink that2 ableii2t
SYSTEM: but iill play along why am ii an iidiiot here
ERIDAN: cause you could think youd do anythin but make my life better
SYSTEM: ii. ii thiink there2. flawed logiic here.
ERIDAN: nah actually havvent you alwways been an imbecile when it gets personal
ERIDAN: “oh ii hate my2elf, oh iim the be2t, oh my giiant bulge and thiink pan are cau2iin me 2o much paiin gonna iignore realiity for twenty hour2 2traiight”
SYSTEM: youre 2pot on my giiant bulge and thiink pan truly are my greate2t flaw2 now and alway2
ERIDAN: nah still think your record breakin self loathin beats em
SYSTEM: you do know thii2 goe2 both way2 riight.- that all your bull2hiit iin2iight from 2hariing a body wiith me al2o mean2 ii know you. “"record breakin self loathin"” have you 2een your2elf? Hypocriite.
ERIDAN: howw do you assume im not super wwell adjusted noww
SYSTEM: becau2e iim not an iidiiot de2piite recent allegatiion2
ERIDAN: FINE but my self loathin makes SENSE i DESERVVE to hate myself wwhile you just are mentally ill
SYSTEM: oh 2o were back two ableii2m? really ed? and two thiink we were pa2t your biigoted way2
ERIDAN: hm wwell i think any negativve vviewws a yourself you have are actually wwhats ableist then cause youre hatin someone wwhos mentally ill
SYSTEM: wow. attackiing me and u2iing my mental iillne22 agaiin2t me. really 2crapiing the bottom of the barrel arent we ed
ERIDAN: wwell only someone mentally ill wwould wwant my presence in their livves
SYSTEM: more ableii2m iit never end2. my judge of character ii2 iimpeccable have you MET my be2t friiend2?
ERIDAN: yeah they wwere lucky to havve you
SYSTEM: and iim lucky two have you. iit2 about the only thiing ii get two be lucky for be2iide2 my fate beiing the wor2t of anyone el2e2.
ERIDAN: wwell if youre delusional enough to wwant me in your life im here
SYSTEM: ii gue22 that2 a2 much a2 ii can a2k from you
ERIDAN: you can ask anythin a me
SYSTEM: 2tay aliive.
ERIDAN: youre definitely a minority vvote there but alright guess you rigged that election
SYSTEM: iimagiine haviing an electiion two riig 2ome people got iit good
ERIDAN: ..
SYSTEM: youre not a2 afraiid of offendiing me anymore hm
ERIDAN: oh shit ivve been insultin and oh fuck sorry
SYSTEM: ed ii fuckiing love iit feel2 liike you
ERIDAN: oh gimme some credit ivve to be better than i wwas back then
SYSTEM: oh riight thii2 tiimeliine
SYSTEM: yeah you wwere pretty annoyiing liike who can drag me iintwo the petulance of a DUEL goddamn ANNOYIING but even then cant deny under my 2kiin
ERIDAN: i wwas under your skin?
SYSTEM: giiven how many biigger fii2he2 ii had two fry and the fact ii wa2 2o fuckiing depre22ed and mourniing and 2hiit
ERIDAN: evven then you wwere tragic in a wway i wwasnt huh
SYSTEM: ii definiitely wiin the tragedy conte2t2

You kind of want to talk to him forever. And also, perhaps, hear him laugh from under his snuggleplane.

Chapter Text

He keeps talking to you in every free second into the future. Sometimes he sends code back and forth between octennialBuccaneer, but besides her and the occasional group chat work message which sometimes Sahfir follows up further on, you’re consuming all his time.

You know he needs to get a freaking life outside of working himself to an early space death and talking to a computer, but it almost makes you giddy, the amount you mean to him. It reminds you of your memories, of when you were close to him in whatever format you ended up in, how close you could get. If those are real.

Sometimes you can just let yourself forget what’s really happening too.

But sometimes it just makes you miss people even more. Like, when you’re not sure what started it, but you end up talking about morality.

SYSTEM: out2iide my 2priite tiime aa and ii travelled a lot and 2he had all thii2 iin2iight iintwo grand 2cheme2 and overarchiing plot2 of what beiing aliive even mean2
SYSTEM: and 2he ju2t 2ort of 2aw through 2ome of my general iidea2 of bad and good for what ii2 nature and what ii2 explaiinable from everythiing that created everythiing
SYSTEM: iim not explaiiniing iit riight 2he2 really a2toundiing
ERIDAN: okay but like i dont buy that
ERIDAN: notta be that guy but theres bad and good and you can just tell yknoww
ERIDAN: just cause anything can be explained or fits into some sorta psychological or natural explanation a the univverse doesnt relievve it from judgment
SYSTEM: but who2 judgiing? who2 defiiniitiion of riight or wrong ii2 the one we an2wer two? you cant make iit that 2iimple.
ERIDAN: theres different wways of existin in the univverse wwith different sets of rules like evvery neww culture wwe take ovver and try two strip of itself wwe can see that sure but evven then i think that good and evvil are pretty fundamental properties a the univverse
ERIDAN: inflictin pain, killin, removvin agency, just anythin BAD is BAD its not that fuckin complicated and before you hit me wwith the wwhole wwell wwhat if the bad allowws for good or wwhatevver im not tryna justify wwhat i did anymore either i still partook in fundamentally wwrong behaviors evven if wwith good intention hence the uhh bygone utilitarian thing but
ERIDAN: evven wwhen theres layers and wways a tryna analyse how to fundamentally ascertain GOOD and BAD and wwhats the BEST outcome thats still just us graspin at these fundamental goods and bads
ERIDAN: and i knoww people might havve different vviewws like vvris used to base it a lot more around strength but i think thats more alternian hoofbeast shit to justify howw utterly fucked up our entire system is
ERIDAN: but regardless theres still good and bad and ill stand by that
SYSTEM: 2hiit. youd fuckiing love aa
ERIDAN: really? so shed agree here?
SYSTEM: no 2he defiiniitely wouldnt but iidk ii ju2t
SYSTEM: ii care about you both 2o much and ii want two liive iin a world where ii can hear you both go on liike thii2 iin your diifferent oppo2iing way2 and iim 2ure youd be friiend2 wiith her granted iif you called her or me a lowblood or 2ome 2hiit id have two beat you the fuck up

It’s novel and dreamy, to think of them talking with you, becoming friends together. Like you could sit in dream bubbles and chat. Like you aren’t a battery or a weapon against Aradia in the first place. You miss her more than anything.

It’s fun too, to say you’d beat Eridan up. Like you could. You’re roleplaying this guy called Sollux Captor sometimes for him, and it’s empowering rather than disorienting.

ERIDAN: understood.
ERIDAN: thats so ridiculously cheesy and swweet sol. and you can talk through me to her, if you do choose to. shes alivve and im sure she misses you
SYSTEM: plea2e dont 2ay that two me 2he mii22e2 2omeone who2 long dead and ii am not goiing two haunt her liike 2he haunted me
ERIDAN: okay
SYSTEM: you u2ed two ju2tiify kiilling your friiend2 through utilitariianii2m? lo2t me there
ERIDAN: NO
ERIDAN: that wwas FEAR and im IRREDEEMABLE FOREVVER
SYSTEM: bet
ERIDAN: i meant keepin evveryone alivve through orphanin trolls
ERIDAN: i really clung to utilitarian thought to cope wwith that guilt cause wwhat other choice did either a us havve yknoww
ERIDAN: but i look back on wwhat i wwas and i do just see the evvil evven if id do the orphanin all ovver again (though obvviously not the rest a my stupid incorrigible fecal matter)
SYSTEM: ii thiink youre two hard on your2elf
ERIDAN: i used to fuckin pity myself somethin awwful too im sure you remember like wwoah is meee but i realised wwhat i deservve and howw to not use thinkin i deservve anythin at all as a copin mechanism
SYSTEM: ii do 2ee 2ome valiid poiint2 here not two be a contrariion but have you ever con2iidered perhap2 you 2hould forgiive your2elf two even iif there are fundamentally eviil thiing2 wiith your moral phiilo2ophy you can draw two your2elf?
ERIDAN: uhm
ERIDAN: nah? lol
ERIDAN: you dont get it ivve been in your pan sol youre good youre just good like its breathin or somethin youd die for any of your friends in a second
SYSTEM: iive actually been told ii can be an a22 but okay
ERIDAN: all i do is cause harm wwhen someone else in my place could cause good so noww im just dedicated to my mission so evven if im evvil i can bring good into existence
SYSTEM: ii thiink you need two perhap2 not viiew your2elf a2 fundamentally eviil and forgiive your2elf for your weakne22e2 but ii wont 2ay ii dont admiire a motiivated moral phiilo2ophy
SYSTEM: 2tiill ju2t wii2h aa wa2 here wiith u2
SYSTEM: kk two but he2 more ju2t iint2iinctually a good guy who react2 two the real world not all thii2 ab2tract phiilo2ophy that wed be on about
ERIDAN: yeah hes good alright he really is

Yeah, times like these? You miss your friends. Something desperately. But you’re so beyond grateful for Eridan’s presence no matter how much it makes you long for people you won’t let yourself talk to again.

There’s a wistful undercurrent that makes you feel like maybe you could fake it. That you could do like Aradia did before, haunt them as a ghost. Pretend you’re real. Pretend you’re alive. You know for a fact, the first thing you’d want from her if she disappeared was to reach out to you the second she could. But you can’t. Because you can’t tell her you’re yourself, that you’re real, that you’re alive. There’s nothing left of you but platitudes anyone could fake.

Eridan sought you out like this though. It’s his own fault he has to deal with what you’ve become.

One day you’re talking about all the different cultural significances that have come around, like recent terminology from a song. While he’s playing Troll Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion's "Wet Ass Nook" (a universal constant), he receives a phone call from Nalera.

“Oh,” he says, rather solemnly. You have an idea what this is about. You’ve been pushing your luck on time. You’re greedy for this safety and company Eridan’s been providing you. But you know it’s a calm in the storm. “And do you know who then? Oh. No! Not yet. Yes. Yeah... I understand. Thank you, miss.”

The look Eridan gives the camera after he hangs up is haunted.

SYSTEM: let me gue22 the empiire cant get enough of my hot bod

Eridan is not finding you funny now. He looks like a cheese critter cornered by a meowbeast. You don’t think you can let yourself feel it.

It’s not the fear of pain or violation that has you so lost and frozen now. It’s what it’s going to do to you and Eridan. You won’t be able to be what you are around him now. You’ve known it from the beginning, the doom that sits in your chest. But you want to bathe in these micro-moments Eridan manages to make you want to live. To feel connected, to anything, again.

It was a matter of time, and this is not a fall you want to survive. Loss, now, that, that is the scariest.

SYSTEM: two bad iim not dead

You can’t directly let him hurt the ship (ie: you), but you’re not about to not make your desires clear.

SYSTEM: ii know ii know youre pure iintentiion2 and all that criike but ii2 there any way youre 2tiill harbouriing 2ome concupii2cent feeliing2 for me or diid all your piitch iincliinatiion2 dii2appear the 2econd you 2aw the dii2gu2tiing 2tate of my weak body?

You’ve been meaning to broach the subject for a while, but you’ve been too afraid of how he might react. As of right now, he’s still just standing in shock in the middle of his block staring at his phone like everything you’re saying to him is inconceivable.

It makes you feel so vulnerable. There’s nothing left of you for him to desire to fuck unless he wants to lord over making you into his bitch like every other asshole on a power trip. And you trust that that’s not what he’s doing anymore. Ironically, that’s why you want him to do this. You just couldn’t bring it up until now, with how hollow it makes you feel, the idea of him disgusted, judging you, appalled at the very idea of wanting you.

SYSTEM: random 2pace 2hiip location A2SLYA distal 43 two ed hello
SYSTEM: oh come on when you call out my name iin your 2leep iit ii2 iin a deciidedly 2exual manner

Finally, a reaction. Eridan’s eyes go wide in further shock. Maybe you shouldn’t have said that. You can’t feel much of anything right now, so you’re probably not the best person to talk to.

“The previous proctor would be my replacement,” Eridan finally says, quietly to the room. You’re glad your speakers picked it up. Well, you’re not really. You were fearing this. You check his room every night hoping he’d transferred off ship to no avail. You don’t know how to handle this, at all. The more you think about it. He’s going to be so angry. You’ve otherwise ignored him completely.

You don’t say anything, and Eridan continues in his silence. What more can you say? You’re not going to pressure him. It’s the same situation you were in before he came. He gave you a reprieve, and you should be thankful for that much.

But you also want to beg him miserably to save you from facing this again so soon too.

ERIDAN: youre not disgustin but im not gonna fucking rape you

Eridan sort of collapses down on the ground and lies on the floor. You don’t think you can react properly to his implications. He has a way of making the edges of your thoughts get all blurry with his words.

ERIDAN: i wwas supposed to savve you
SYSTEM: ii mean ii never expected you two 2ave me ed that2 kiind of... iimpo22iible?
SYSTEM: but ii hone2tly tru2t you and ii giive you con2ent or whatever two paiil me. not the empiire but you. 2o dont. iit2 not that.
SYSTEM: but iif you dont want two that2 fiine ii dont mean two be all. ii know you have a kii2me2ii2 already and ii know there2 not much any troll that ii2nt terriifiied of culliing or a 2peciial brand of 2adii2tiic would want here.
ERIDAN: youre so bloody damaged you dont evven realise how fucked up you sound

That actually hurt. And it’s so overwhelming, to feel hurt. You’re kind of terrified of feeling anything. You’re frozen from it. Trying to navigate thought processes that are safe. But everything in the system feels like molasses. Even digits seem fake. You need to find a way to make words make sense.

SYSTEM: ii2 that how you reject all the troll2? you 2hould get 2ome decorum.

Does he know he hurt your blurry feelings that are moving around like a cracked water mosaic?

ERIDAN: stop actin as if this is a matter a me not wwantin you
SYSTEM: iif you want me, have me
ERIDAN: sollux wwhat the fuck stop it youre only askin cause the alternativve is someone who beat you to shit
SYSTEM: mo2t of the troll2 iin thii2 uniiver2e only fuck two 2tay aliive grow up
ERIDAN: GROW UP??

He doesn’t elaborate, but he does sob, collapsed in a pile on the floor.

SYSTEM: alriight whatever ii wa2 ju2t a2kiing a friiend iif he wanted two paiil 2top actiing liike ii kiilled your lu2u2

This went worse than you hoped. Maybe you should have tried to just seduce him instead of sounding all desperate “save me” or whatever. But how are you supposed to seduce someone when you can barely even move? When there’s nothing left of you?

Eridan seems crumpled, and you know this is going to need to be retracted. You feel collision buzzing in electrons. You’re broken; you’re ruined; you’re damaged to him too. You’re a ship; you’re not supposed to process this amount of physical ache from the helmsman’s chest.

The problem with Eridan treating you like a person is that you can be hurt and humiliated like one.

And you lose him.

Chapter Text

ERIDAN: if you genuinely want me to im down

It makes you feel sick, the way he says that from a pathetic pile on the ground. And what does it matter what you genuinely want? The thought isn’t as abhorrent as other thoughts. And he knows what your body already looks like. Even if he doesn’t have all the other memories you have.

It wouldn’t feel like violation, the same way, if he were doing it. It would feel like an extension of trust.

What you want is irrelevant.

What he wants on the other hand?

SYSTEM: dont do me any favour2 becau2e iim 2o fuckiing damaged
ERIDAN: wwhat
SYSTEM: ii diidnt mean two pre22ure you.

Eridan finally sits up and breathes deeply, regaining some sort of composure.

ERIDAN: thats the last thing you should be wworried bout
ERIDAN: sorry for handlin this all so poorly i hate that youre in this situation but my avversion aint to do wwith you at all

You’re stupid self-loathing is getting to him. You don’t want to hurt him with that shit. You don’t want to tangle him up in the sick intensity radiating from the physical input you cannot shut off or the swirling mass of confusion and damage in your cognition. The terror slips you into brevity.

SYSTEM: becau2e iim riight about you haviing dream2 about me ;) 2hould ii wiink now wow ii feel liike gho2t aa havent u2ed emotiicon2 iin 2weep2
ERIDAN: theyre NOTHIN to do wwith this situation sol stop actin as if id evver wwant to fuck someone wwho doesnt wwant me like that gross no
SYSTEM: iim 2orry ii know youre touchy about that whole matter and ii know ii could be uh le22 of an a22hole and giive you a biit more priivacy 2hiit2 boriing a2 an electroniic
ERIDAN: no its okay and yeah sometimes i have dreams but they honestly just feel really real
ERIDAN: and yeah ivve had a couple that wwere
ERIDAN: but it wwas like... the game? wwe wwere dead and like together it wwasnt anythin to do wwith wwhats goin on noww and is TOTALLY irrelevvant to wwhy im here
SYSTEM: my paranoiia diid a number on you huh anyway2 tell me more
ERIDAN: wwhy? wwhats the point?
SYSTEM: do you have a lot of dream2 about beiing dead or iin the game? ii dont care the context iid ju2t liike two know

This you can press him on. You’re greedy for context, to make sense of the onslaught of time and memory crammed into your calculated, refined system.

ERIDAN: yeah i do sometimes i wwonder if the dreambubbles or those mechanisms a some sort still wwork but then theres preposterous shit in them too that has to be fake like evven wwhat i already told you
SYSTEM: 2o you have memoriie2 of the game and of the 2priite and then dream of alternate tiimeliine2 but dont remember anythiing out2iide of thii2 tiimeliine?
ERIDAN: i nevver said i wwas dreamin of alternativve timelines i didnt mean to imply that im sorry
SYSTEM: can you tell me of any dream2 wiith me plea2e
ERIDAN: ??
ERIDAN: sol this convversation has gone wway off topic
SYSTEM: oh come on entertaiin me plea2e
ERIDAN: okay wwell like hm one i had a couple wwipes ago wwe were hangin out in this humans memory or land or somethin i cant remember cause the dreams are blurry but the sky wwas a blue colour and wwe wwere some lake cause it reminded me a the ocean
ERIDAN: it wwas just us for the most part idk wwhy except for some reason my dream self felt like you wwere my moirail? wwhich i KNOWW is stupid and i dont think is connected to anythin going on cause ivve been havvin dreams bout people from the game includin you for swweeps its nothin to do wwith any a this okay
SYSTEM: ii tru2t you ed, can you tell me more about the lake and what wa2 happeniing?
ERIDAN: okay so wwe wwere talkin about colours? you wwere on about how the lake wwas blue and that made it vvalid and youll evven agree that the oceans nice and youd vvisit it wwith me soon but you needed some sorta red to evven it out
ERIDAN: it wwas some inane convversation like the significance of the dream wwas more to do wwith us travvellin together
ERIDAN: the triangle glasses guy wwas also really good friends wwith me for some reason like hed met me after i died and helped me into the afterlife i think id done some dumbass shit in that timeline too but again this is all just fake nonsense it was more just feelins i had durin the dream and glimpses a faces and memories
SYSTEM: wa2 ii weariing a purple jacket you kept iin your 2ylladex and gave two me when ii realii2ed iit wa2 colder by the lake than iin the wood2 by diirk2 campfiire?
ERIDAN: huh?
ERIDAN: you wwere wwearin a purple jacket yeah wwhat a wweird thing to? wwhat?
SYSTEM: and you were all liike “”ii told you 2o”” becau2e ii 2wore that the dream bubble phy2iic2 and my miighty power2 would keep me warm and then ii dangled you above the water but accepted your cha2tii2ement when ii found out that youd packed an extra jacket ju2t iin ca2e ii wanted iit?
ERIDAN: sol wwhatre you on bout these are super specific details
ERIDAN: i dont remember wwhy you wwere wwearin that jacket but i think it wwas mine
ERIDAN: this wwas a dream?

It was neon red, that you wanted, in the dusk blue meeting the refraction off the water. You feel something well up, bittersweet and addictive, thinking about the affection between the two of you. And you fantasize about it being real. Of being free, with your psionics, with Eridan, having him look after you and vice versa. It's an embarrassing, juvenile fantasy, but the coincidences of the details make your blood pusher pump harder, like you wouldn't be a comet dangled in freefall, frozen and stuck, with the turn on of adrenaline.

SYSTEM: do you have any more?
ERIDAN: one time i wwas on lowwaa like id just died i think and i wwas really scared and confused because fef had been the one to kill me and oops this is a bad example i just remembered somethin
SYSTEM: no go on?
ERIDAN: id uh.? killed you.
ERIDAN: sorry for wwhat i did to you in a dream haha anywways i wwas all fucked up cause i wwas a murderer wwho wwas then murdered by my best friend or wwhatevver and i kinda just wwanted the angels to torture me forevver since lowwaa wwas already kinda hell for me
ERIDAN: and then you showwed up? wwe wwere about as close as wwe actually are except instead a just blindin you id KILLED you and you wwerent god tier or anythin sol i just killed you
ERIDAN: you wwerent really angry though? the wway time had passed wwas all different and youd been dead a wwhile wwith aradia and kar or somethin but you came alone to my planet and i thought i wwas hallucinatin then i thought you wwere some other sol then i thought you wwere there to get your afterlife revvenge
ERIDAN: but instead you just sorta sat dowwn wwith me and explained how the afterlife wworked and dragged me outta that dreambubble id been in and brought me to another place and mostly the dream wwas us talkin i dont remember much after that and then i wwoke up
SYSTEM: your wand had went 2traiight through me hadnt iit and you were 2o 2hocked by the bloody hole iin my corp2e you dropped your wand and FF came at you whiile you were unguarded?

You remember the indignation that he took life from you. What right did some stupid ass sea dweller walking around wearing a cape talking shit and slurs have to kill you? But the anger changed, back to the doom, the fatalism, as it always was, and the freedom from finality you were afforded now that everything was done. You remember thinking he was just some scared kid too, who had too much power, who you goaded (the guilt the guilt the guilt-), who needed to forgive himself, to move on.

Sort of like he does now.

ERIDAN: sol i dont knoww! these are just irrelevvant dreams i sometimes havve are you tryna avvoid the situation at hand or somethin
SYSTEM: oh uh
SYSTEM: 2o do you want two paiil me?
ERIDAN: you make me wwanna fuckin scream
SYSTEM: what kiind of 2cream ehehehe
ERIDAN: howwre you just okay wwith this wwhole situation like yeah ill pail you yeah ivve been into you but howw is this just not fuckin you up
SYSTEM: ii gue22 iim ju2t two damaged.
ERIDAN: sol...
SYSTEM: look none of thii2 2hould BE thii2 way and the fact youre here make2 iit REAL but iit al2o makes iit... not real? cau2e iim DAMAGED
SYSTEM: liike quiite liiterally my thiink pan ii2 damaged iit2 all friied up for the empiire2 per2onal u2e
SYSTEM: but ii tru2t you and ii have memoriie2 of you two and the whole siituatiion ii2 fucked up but more becau2e thii2 ii2 LIITERALLY a2 good a2 iit get2 for me. youve reached iintwo the me22ed up obliiterated depth2 of my p2yche and forced me iintwo cariing about liiterally anythiing at all but youre goiing two leave and all ii have ii2 torture and fryiing my thiink pan tiill there2 nothiing left and then perhap2 eventually the lack of 2entiience reliief iim actually 2o fuckiing terriifiied of
SYSTEM: and okay yeah youre riight ii know iim not talkiing about iit dont MAKE me talk about iit okay. ii dont want two
ERIDAN: OKAY im sorry
ERIDAN: but sol this isnt as good as it gets this is the wworst that it gets things WWILL get better
SYSTEM: what? are you a fuckiing knuckle2ponged iimbeciile? do ii need two tell you about the horriifiic thiing2 that quadrant proctor2 do two helm2? do ii need two remiind you of how helm2 liiterally are driiven out of theiir entiire abiiliity two proce22 anythiing due two the 2evere damage and torture they endure? youre goiing two leave and even whiile youre here ii am ACTIIVELY beiing burnt out.
ERIDAN: I WWONT LEAVVE
ERIDAN: sol havve some HOPE wwho knowws wwhat the future holds
SYSTEM: dont 2ay 2hiit liike that two me.
ERIDAN: i wwont leavve you
SYSTEM: okay.
SYSTEM: ii had 2omethiing liike dream2 before two, that2 why ii wa2 a2kiing before. the detaiil2 2eem two liine up 2o maybe your dream2 are real or at lea2t real liike the game wa2.
ERIDAN: uh doubt it i kinda told you the least outlandish ones wwell not like you bein my moirail isnt like but it wwasnt they they get MORE unrealistic.

It almost feels like a barb, him making sure to mention, that you being his moirail is ridiculous. It’s stupid because even if you weren’t literally some faulty code, you’d be a horrible moirail for him. In the best of circumstances, you’re a fucking mess.

There’s just something desperate that clings to how he said he’s been into you. Does he mean his stupid pitch crush when you were six? You want his approval so badly it’s like fire in the periphery of your continuous vision. He's willing to fuck you, sure, he says he's been into you -- but is that just based on how frustrating he found you as a kid? Does that make this worth it, extending a favour. You feel sick, and you don't want to press. Because you trust him, you trust his intentions, but you cannot fathom the place of someone's desire towards you.

SYSTEM: iif 2ahfiir ii2nt your type and youve made iit clear that u2 2hiip2 arent what II2 your type?
ERIDAN: wwhy do you keep askin me questions like this SOL
SYSTEM: humour me
ERIDAN: UGH okay wwell obvviously wwhen i wwas younger it wwas mostly just my friends granted i get it i wwas horrible at the wwhole romance thing but yeah just really my friends i guess?
ERIDAN: but wwell i guess vvris and mavv ... idk theyre quite different but? theyre both got pretty fuckin powwerful psychic abilities are super smart and fight dirty
ERIDAN: ambitious
SYSTEM: oh ii 2ee you liike p2ychiic2 doe2 thii2 turn you on

You make the lights flicker ominously in his room.

ERIDAN: wwell i mean i guess youd fit into that yeah but im not into helms sol think wwevve been ovver this
SYSTEM: actually tryiing two fiigure out iif youre a gho2t fucker here
ERIDAN: dont exactly knoww howw one wwould be that but... no im not
SYSTEM: iit 2eem2 liike your type ii2 actually ju2t giirl2 wiith v’2 iin theiir name2 2o you can 2howca2e your quiirk
ERIDAN: yes i specifically only date people if they havve a v or a w in their name this is true howw did you evver figure it out
SYSTEM: 2o you liike tavro2 more than me iim goiing two go cry now
ERIDAN: hes a decent felloww alright but nah definitely liked you more than him in that regard

Interesting. 

SYSTEM: diidnt vrii2ka have a thiing wiith hiim liike diidnt 2he break up wiith you for hiim?
ERIDAN: i wwouldnt hold it against HIM for that but idk really cause she didnt followw up wwith it after the game and honestly yeah i mean she nevver felt anythin for me like she did for him
ERIDAN: yeah im kinda glad bout that she WWOULD treat me like mavvien except vvris is.... yeah thatd be scary
SYSTEM: ii2nt 2he your kii2me2ii2?
ERIDAN: sure......
ERIDAN: shes my “kismesis”
ERIDAN: she bothered keepin up wwith me after the game and still cares bout me and our wwiggler memories together and doesnt hate me for wwhat i did in the game
ERIDAN: but lets be real if vvris really hated me id be like dead
SYSTEM: ii2nt fakiing quadrant2 a biit iillegal
ERIDAN: oh come on wwevve been kismesis on and off since wwe wwere like kidse lets just say... wwe have pale vvacilliation and shes got similar panfuckery goin on in her other quadrants and i dont givve a fuck about it
SYSTEM: ii wa2 ju2t tea2iing the 2y2tem ii2nt goiing two report you.
ERIDAN: i kinda hate ivve been on about myself it feels wwrong im sorry
SYSTEM: hone2tly ii feel liike you never talk about your2elf liike you go on about everythiing iive mii22ed then leave out your own 2tory.
ERIDAN: its not interestin
SYSTEM: 2tiill want two know but perhap2 2ome other tiime
SYSTEM: iit2 late and youre ju2t 2iittiing iin the miiddle of the floor come on ed need your energy for paiiliing me
ERIDAN: sol are you sure bout that?
SYSTEM: uhm hold on
SYSTEM: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
ERIDAN: oh wwoww havvent seen that in a minute
ERIDAN: also thats not a yes
SYSTEM: ii a2ked alriight.
ERIDAN: ..
SYSTEM: 2leep ed
SYSTEM: youre goiing two fall a2leep at work one of the2e niight2 and mutteriing about the helm2man keepiing you up iin your daze and theyre goiing two fiind out that a viiru2 ha2 taken over the hiighblood2 hu2ktop and phone.
ERIDAN: sleep is for the wweak
SYSTEM: 2o get 2ome
ERIDAN: FINE good night.

He makes his way towards his recuperacoon, but receives a message from someone before getting in, still clothed (you guess he has his propriety when you’re watching him).

coverUnknown [CU] began trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

CU: Found E.

coverUnknown [CU] has blocked bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

Chapter Text

bygoneUtilitarian [BU] began trolling octennialBucchaneer [OB]

BU: cgypbfg
OB: on ;uywtaa;ku dipbyi[ pdygoadgor
OB: skdilu;krs uiieyaatfrrd
BU: uiyskqstd serygr pbregp ascrawbreupbr
OB: trdnyy hubwuiytarkg di,rversor onuiyt ewn
BU: yu,w ygiifj
BU: .....
OB: drok;dwbwtaak dqrw[a/od/ygru yeydruii
OB: penr tbh
OB: nyyygrt serviporesrobh gitdx
BU: eq/jaadyaa/daabw ju,

You stop analysing Eridan’s (presumably very easily crackable) code. Why does he always have to be writing in code to everyone? The one time he’s not it’s STILL cryptic. Found E? Who is E? Equius? You’re kind of under the impression that Eridan isn't trying to track his location down... is it about Eridan himself?

You know Eridan said that cracking his code could hurt his friends, but you’re so bored and feel so helpless because that just means that you’re literally a spy for the empire on top of everything else they turned you into. And you hate it.

SYSTEM: do you only talk two other2 iin code becau2e ii giive you no priivacy and you dont want me two 2ee or becau2e you liiterally have no liife out2iide of iillegal actiiviitiie2 my 2py thiink pan ii2 not allowed two be priivy two?
ERIDAN: .... the latter.
ERIDAN: wwevve been ovver this
ERIDAN: ivve no life
SYSTEM: okay good iill keep iinvadiing your priivacy by readiing your me22age2 and watchiing you whiile you 2leep.
ERIDAN: cool but i gtg or ill be late to wwork
SYSTEM: whatever iim the be2t computer viiru2 youll ever have.
ERIDAN: course you are

Eridan is interrupted around the end of the night by Nalera while he is working on his piloting coursework. You don’t care to listen, so you tune him out. A rarity, for you. To focus on anything besides him.

But then he ends up messaging you a few hours later about how he’s outside the helmsblock, and he can leave if need be, but Nalera is going to fire him tomorrow. You tell him you don’t understand why he’s just standing out there. He has the key.

When he enters the block, however, all you feel is immense vitriol for the situation. It unnerves you, for him to see you as a helmsman at all. And you’re scared of the system bringing up unwanted memories due to sensations. But hey, you can filter it out, right? It’s not like you think under any circumstance Eridan will force you to be trapped in your biological body for this. So it’s okay. You can focus on numbers. Temperatures, atmospheric concentrations, locations, navigation, water supply, electricity. There are myriad things you can filter at the forefront and ignore whatever else is going on.

You’re very certain Eridan won’t hurt you. But there is a permeating sense of loss that is bigger than the fear you’d otherwise expect. Because this isn’t what you want from Eridan. You want to fucking touch him. You want a lot of things that are not only impossible now, but you’re not sure you could even want now. It’s interesting, to be faced with. The two of you were certainly so much better off dead.

This is the last way you ever wanted him to see you. There’s this corroded ego rotting in your throat just thinking of what six sweep Eridan and you would think of the situation. All you can feel is flushed mortification.

You’re supposed to be smart and powerful, to him. And even if back then, you didn’t want him, you still couldn’t stand him seeing you like this. Now that you want him, the pervading grief could swallow you whole.

But who needs to delve into that when you could check the electrical output of every device on the ship for the 222nd time in a row?

Perhaps being caught up in ignoring the situation isn’t the best way to handle everything because Eridan very much does not want to force you into a situation you are forced to ignore to handle and is extremely temperamental about the concept. It’s the thing that you find hardest to manage when interacting with him. Because empathising threatens something you’re not ready to face. It’s not a given framework you’re ever going to face, you think. What’s the use? You’re just going to disappear eventually anyway.

But what is taking him so long? He’s standing over in the corner by the bucket.

SYSTEM: 2o are you goiing two fuck me or not.

That came off a bit more aggressive than you meant. Perhaps you’re more bitter than you realise. You’re really scared of scaring Eridan off which somehow makes you angry at him.

You know Eridan got your message because he froze the second he heard the ding, but he hasn’t responded to you which makes you mildly livid.

SYSTEM: 2o??
ERIDAN: i was just gonna fill the pail i can literally stop whenever
SYSTEM: oh
SYSTEM: that make2 2en2e ii gue22 but what2 takiing you 2o long and youre goiing two have two 2ee me 2o 2top hiidiing iin a corner.

Eridan reluctantly turns to face you, blush blooming purple on his face and it’s honestly the first thing that’s brought you any source of joy in this tense room. The wave of affection is antithetical to the disgust. He seems wound so tight otherwise, and while his bulge is out, he doesn’t seem very interested at all.

SYSTEM: 2o ii2 beiing iin the 2ame room a2 me that dii2gu2tiing or....?

Eridan fumbles back for his phone, and there’s a slight shake to his hands. You’re not sure of the cause.

ERIDAN: theres nothin fuckin wrong with you i just dont get off on people bein trapped against their will and stuck in situations like this

Guilt nags at you again. But also, don’t you know what he does get off on? If he’s not in the mood, he can always just leave. But maybe you can help.

SYSTEM: you liike people tru2tiing you riight well that2 thii2
SYSTEM: ju2t lii2ten two me paiint another piicture okay

You have plenty of rather erotic memories of him. Whether they’re real or not is irrelevant right? You’ll just pretend countless lifetimes of sweeps in the afterlife or lives where you don’t die count for something.

ERIDAN: i dont mean to put you in that position
SYSTEM: look ii cant touch you but ii can do thii2 ju2t 2hut up and lii2ten except obviiou2ly wiith one hand ehehehe

You do remember Eridan being much fonder of being in control, but this situation is not normal, and you can’t make it so.

SYSTEM: pretend that the2e bound2 arent what they are ju2t iimagine iin2tead you have me tiied up and you can untiie me at any tiime and ii WANTED you two tiie me up

It makes you really sad, to think of wanting that. But that’s not the point. You want to lose yourself to this uncertain memory too.

SYSTEM: becau2e ii do tru2t you you know that2 true.
SYSTEM: you were pre22ed 2o clo2e two me when you tiied me up. ii liick your fiin2 two watch you 2hudder
SYSTEM: you can touch your2elf liike that now iif you want
SYSTEM: tea2e ju2t behind really 2oftly and breathe deep
SYSTEM: you 2tep away two 2ee me de2perate for you iin2tead
SYSTEM: and iimagiine all ii want ii2 for you two touch me
SYSTEM: but youre a goddamn tea2e and al2o ii had u2ed my p2iioniic2 two flu2ter you de2piite beiing tiied 2o youre tea2iing me 2omethiing extra
SYSTEM: iid ju2t wanted two get you ready two fuck me fa2ter
SYSTEM: 2ent jolt2 of pre22ure wave2 down your body, down your bulge
SYSTEM: feel iit
SYSTEM: becau2e ii can u2e my p2iioniic2
SYSTEM: but iim not becau2e ii want two be good and conviince you two touch me
SYSTEM: but iin2tead you want me two watch you touch your2elf

He’s touching himself faster now, looking far more into it, and it’s bizarre, to feel like you have some type of external control in the material world. You’ve never been one for domming, as far as your younger memories of looking up porn or the majority of your alternative lives go, but the idea he would do what you say is kind of entrancing at this moment. But mostly you just want to want to tease him till he fucks you, even though the idea of him fucking you is horrifying.

SYSTEM: two tea2e me of cour2e
SYSTEM: 2o ii can get more de2perate for you when you do come
SYSTEM: whiile not even beiing able two move

You’re failing, you realise. Not at your goal: Eridan does seem to be into what you’re on about. You’re failing at immersing yourself. You feel sick. The loss is obscuring everything. All you want to be is some stupid dead troll on some planet somewhere who wants their matesprit to tie them up when in reality you’re stuck on a ship in space forever tied up in the sickest way possible.

The brightest hope you’ve felt in sweeps overtakes you. Maybe when you die there’ll be something. Maybe death will be an escape. You’ve been so focused on it being the end of your existence. And craving that. But you want it, you realise. To travel through bubbles and memories and lands with friends. You want it.

SYSTEM: you keep touchiing your2elf
SYSTEM: fa2ter and fa2ter you want me fuckiing needy for you
SYSTEM: youd liike that wouldnt you
SYSTEM: wiilliing two do whatever you 2ay ju2t two get you two touch me
SYSTEM: cau2e you feed off de2peratiion and de2iire and thii2 ultiimate control becau2e ii ju2t want you 2o badly

You’re trying your best, trying to remember what he likes and pretending like you could be sending psychic jolts to it. You don’t think you’re turning him on as much as the continuous encouragement.

SYSTEM: and you keep playiing wiith your2elf, touchiing your bulge, knuckle tea2iing the openiing of your nook
SYSTEM: ju2t fa2ter and fa2ter
SYSTEM: alternatiing wiith the buiild up2
SYSTEM: iincrea2iingly iinten2e every tiime

You find it endearing, the way he’s trying to be so quiet and his fins flutter and his movements get louder and he loses more control. You’re surprised, that you don’t feel disgust, because all you are is disgusting, but he makes you feel all kind of warm and glowing and it’s such a solid counter.

It’s all an act of care, and that’s more prominent than the fear, insect trapped against sticky tape, terror.

But there’s slurry in a bucket in front of you, and expectance of some degree, and it’s suddenly far too overwhelming. You need to stop being an active part of this now. You need to. This is too much; this is wrong. You want it to stop.

Eridan sits down afterwards, just sits on the floor of the helmsblock and doesn’t say anything. You’re not sure what he’s waiting for. You’re not sure if he’s even okay. But the time he gives you does allow you to calm down some. His ridiculous extra measures always make you feel more safe. Everything is still for several minutes.

SYSTEM: not a very good lover iif you dont get me off two

You know the added necessity isn’t missed. You would never say it otherwise.

“You can tell me to stop whenever...” he says.

SYSTEM: ii know that

He finally gets up and moves slightly towards you. You figure out it’s a great time to try to calculate how far every star is from where you are now to manually figure out your location instead of just knowing it in reference to Alternia. You get so caught up with it that processing him touching you becomes an extra step to it.

It is way different. Than touch you can’t stop. The sensation is still too much, layered with disgust, but it captures your think pan away and you ground it in on the concept of him. And you almost want to react better and be present and a part of this for Eridan. You need to keep calculating and triangulating where you are very all the stars, but more because it’s so overwhelming.

Because there’s so much pressure now. You’re supposed to be a certain way, and you’re some filthy, disgusting corpse, and that’s all you can feel again, and you can’t stop, can’t falter. Can’t just let him do whatever and break down in tears because he would stop, and you can’t handle desperately begging him to continue when you just want out.

He’s only touching your bulge too. Clinical, because of course he would. You want him to embrace you; you want him to care, to want you, you want this to be real. It’s all too much, and you’re drowning; you’re drowning; you’re drowning.

He seems to get that he’s not getting anywhere, and he touches the inners of your thighs, gentle sweeping motions, past your nook and bulge again, stroking your chest, and it’s still too much, too much.

“Pause?” you ask, terrified, not that he won’t, you trust that he’ll stop. But that he won’t just leave because it’s too much for you, right now. You’re not disconnecting well enough, and you can’t figure out why. It’s like you’re consciously expending cognitive bandwidth on him that you don’t want to.

Or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe you’re trying to disconnect too much, you can’t get into it at all. Usually, it doesn’t matter if you don’t. They’ll get you off eventually. You don’t want to make their jobs easier on them.

But Eridan? You want to be good for him so badly, but there’s nothing you could ever do to make yourself desirable. All you are is revolting, and you feel guilty and anxious for him to have to touch you.

“Am I doing somethin’ wrong?” he says, hands hanging by his side.

SYSTEM: you dont have two do thii2
SYSTEM: iif you dont want
SYSTEM: liike ii know ii mu2t have 2aiid that but iit2 one thiing a2 a concept and another beiing here
SYSTEM: liike ii wont

You’re spiralling out.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks.

SYSTEM: no.

Your response is so fast, it’s embarrassing.

SYSTEM: can you.. go 2lower?

You nearly apologise for doing such a shit job at reacting to him, but you don’t, because it would divert the subject matter in a way that you also cannot handle.

“‘Course,” Eridan says. And then he does something you do not expect, and he strokes your face. You stare at him with wide eyes, and are completely caught up in him, all of a sudden. You almost want to cry. It’s intimate. “That bad?” he asks, and you shake your head slightly, something intense welling up in your chest.

He cradles your face with one hand, strokes down your side and chest again, but this time you can feel the pleasure interspersed with the ways you are trying to viciously disconnect. It’s too much, but you have distance, and you take your time with processing.

When he does finally touch your bulge again, it’s so good, and it didn’t even have to go through painful overstimulation and aggressive touching to get to that point. It’s just a crescendo of need, and you realise you weren’t lying to him before.

You feel like your systems eventually stall, and it is good, in a way that makes you forget this also makes you feel sick, when you come. But you still process that second by second and interject spatial coordinates in between.

But when he’s no longer touching you at all, you let yourself process your body more at once. You feel broken.

“Don’t leave,” you say, and you don’t know why. You see Eridan looking at you quizzically, too. It wasn’t even like he’d been leaving.

SYSTEM: youre goiing two have two record my emotiional re2pon2e
ERIDAN: wait usin the monitor? i thought you said never to press that.
SYSTEM: iit2 iinva2iive and ii dont liike iit but you have two
ERIDAN: it reads your top three unfiltered emotions?
SYSTEM: iin theory.

“What if I told you mine, too, would that help it feel less invasive?” he asks. It’s so stupid and shows he doesn’t get it, but you’re also interested.

SYSTEM: you can totally fiilter whatever you 2ay that2 not the 2ame

“But I won’t.”

SYSTEM: well ii wont 2top you go on.

Eridan suddenly looks extremely uncomfortable. Okay, this is totally distracting from the overwhelming loss and twirling nausea you’ve been feeling. Yes, you like this.

SYSTEM: come on ii dont have a choiice iin the matter 2o neiither 2hould you

He darts his eyes down and sighs deeply.

“Guilt,” he admits. Okay yeah, you’re not sure how much you like hearing that. But also, he’d know that, so you know he’s being honest. It makes you remember why you trust him so. “Respect,” he adds.

SYSTEM: how? youre lyiing.

“That I’m not, Sol,” he says. “I’m too scared to say the final. You’ll take it the wrong way.”

SYSTEM: that2 the whole rea2on why ii hate thii2 thiing go on.
SYSTEM: why are you he2iitatiing 2o much
SYSTEM: ii2 iit? dii2gu2t?

Maybe you don’t want to hear this.

“No!” Eridan exclaims as soon as he reads the message. “Pity, but like I am not bloody confessin’. I’m sorry!”

“Oh,” you respond, and he looks up at your face instead of down at his phone.

SYSTEM: you werent kiiddiing when you 2aiid youd be unfiiltered and hone2t hone2tly iim iimpre22ed.
SYSTEM: 2o? tell me miine.

He moves over to press the monitor.

“This one?” he clarifies, looking at you, and he recognises your nod. “Guilt, loss, and pity,” he says, a little dumbfounded. You’re really surprised shame isn’t on there.

SYSTEM: well wriite iit down the fact iit read2 piity mean2 you wont lo2e your fuckiing job for 2ure
ERIDAN: i dont understand how youre feelin any of these
SYSTEM: luckiily there2 no button for you two get explanatiion2
ERIDAN: guilt? guilt is the main emotion youre feelin right now? i dont understand
SYSTEM: you liiterally 2aiid the exact 2ame thiing put the clue2 twogether.
ERIDAN: you dont needa feel guilty sol
SYSTEM: well neiither do you unle22 you keep niitpiickiing thii2 here.

Eridan looks chastised and a little affronted by that. More guilt. He fills the form out without speaking.

SYSTEM: guiilt cau2e ii feel liike ii pre22ured you, lo22 2hould be pretty obviiou2 ii dont want thii2 two be my liife, and piity cau2e youre pathetiic and al2o cau2e ii have my own per2onal memory 2hiit youre not priivy two. happy?
ERIDAN: i didnt mean to pressure you into sayin that too
SYSTEM: oh you dont need two apologii2e for beiing iincapable of keepiing your feeliing2 off your face
ERIDAN: yes i do what the fuck sol of course i do
SYSTEM: where the hell ii2 your quiirk
ERIDAN: wwanted to be serious
SYSTEM: yeah dont do that evvvvver
ERIDAN: okay
ERIDAN: you didnt pressure me things wwill get better and yeah same to the last i guess sorry

Eridan folds up the paper and puts it in his pocket. You’re a little angry he keeps telling you things will get better, but also, you want to just forget the whole situation and look at him.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks.

“No,” you respond. He nods, and looks unsure of what to do with you. But you suddenly quite desperately know what you want him to do. It makes you feel a little confused. “Kith me, if, if you want,” you say.

“What?” he stutters. Your voice is all but unintelligible from your lisp and disuse, you guess.

SYSTEM: there2 no rea2on for iit or need but iif you want
SYSTEM: kii22 me?

You feel fragile and you feel weak, and you haven’t kissed anyone since you were six with Feferi, but why are you asking him at all why would he?

Eridan kisses you, so gentle, feathers on your lips. You barely process anything to do with it but his presence and cold. It calms you immensely, almost like you’re reacting as if he’s your moirail. And yeah, you need a moirail right now after all this.

But also, you want to feel him.

You’re able to move your head and your lips so you push against him and kiss him back, and he kisses you in return. You’re not thinking of much at all (except everything you have to track in the ship). It feels like being able to touch someone.

Eridan pulls away, and he looks a little starstruck, a little giddy almost, “Oh my cod, you’re kissin’ me,” he says, as if the idea is unbelievable. You really want to be able to hold him close to you, but even trying to move closer to him when he’s too far away pulls at your bounds and hurts your arms.

“Here I was thinking I was singing you anthems, no shit I’m kissing you,” you say, a lispy mess. He smiles. It relieves the tension you’ve been holding tight in your chest. You were worried this would ruin everything regardless of how much pain it was saving you from. You try to move closer to him again, and while you can’t reach him, he catches the memo and kisses you again.

You’re stealing joy that’s outside of the empire’s grasp, but you can’t stop tracking every single thing that’s happening in the ship. And for once, in a really long time, you don’t want to be a ship. You keep kissing him, trying to force yourself to react and be in your body, and struggling to process all the sensations fast enough. It’s so active and confusing.

You turn your face away and stop kissing Eridan, and he pulls away for a second.

SYSTEM: pre22 the perceptiion 2wiitch

He hears the ding and looks down in confusion.

“I thought you said to never do that?” he says.

SYSTEM: ii want two feel thii2

He still looks confused, but he presses it, and it’s jarring, suddenly being in your body. And it still hurts. Not your ribs, they’ve managed to heal aided by some medicine Eridan gave you. But your arms and your legs and your stiffness and your deteriorated muscles. But you’re able to ignore them, you think.

It hits you like bright fear that you should have figured out a way to make sure Eridan pressed the switch again, if you needed it, but he touches your face with his hand, and you realise perhaps your voice is enough.

“Are you okay?” he asks. It’s such a dumb question, and you’re so not ready to try to answer it with your sore throat and messed up teeth.

“Kiss me,” you say again.

It is the first time, you’re able to fully disconnect and forget. You don’t have to process anything but what you’re processing and that’s not bad. He’s so gentle it’s infuriating, though, he’s usually not like that in your memories. But it doesn’t matter because it’s still all that your think pan can think of and it’s all that matters and for once you’re in the present in a way that doesn’t feel like destruction.

You keep kissing him for an undetermined amount of time until you’re starting to get too turned on. You don’t want to deal with that right now, so you turn your head away slightly, and ask him to stop.

He does immediately, pulls away from you, steps back a space. And you look at him, his bright violet eyes like his flushed purple face. The affection is still so big.

“Is somethin’ wrong, Sol?” You don’t want to communicate like this.

“Switch, can you press--” you ask, and he does so immediately. For the first time, the digital realm is the one that is overwhelming to come back to. But you want to communicate like this, and you certainly don’t want to be too aroused right now.

SYSTEM: 2omethiing ii2nt wrong iim ju2t tiired and want two be alone ii2 that okay?
ERIDAN: course

You watch him exit the block and follow him on cameras back to his block.

You feel overwhelmed and guilty and disgusting and perverted and flighty and in love.

Chapter Text

SYSTEM: are you okay are we 2tiill friiend2.
ERIDAN: are YOU okay are wwe still friends
SYSTEM: ii a2ked you fiir2t 2orry accept your fate of beiing compelled two an2wer whiile ii lavii2h around iin my lack of obliigatiion.
ERIDAN: i just hope i havvent traumatised you more than the alternativve
SYSTEM: oh riight cau2e iim ju2t 2ome moral re2pon2iibiiliity and paiiliing me wa2 nothiing more than the mo2t ethiical thiing two do.

You hate this. You should have left it alone. You shouldn’t talk this out. This is so stupid. But your guilt gnaws something horrible, and he’s all you want to perceive right now and to do that is to see how he perceives you. But doing that makes you want to die and then who needs to perceive anything at all.

ERIDAN: youre not just some moral responsibility to me
SYSTEM: how flatteriing.
ERIDAN: sol is it really that evvil or unrealistic a me to not wwanna harm you
SYSTEM: you are 2o avoiidiing my questiion
ERIDAN: i wwanna be your friend

He’s just sitting there on his loungeplank with pierced lips like admitting he wants to be your friend is like some scary big risk. This whole conversation is making you feel sick.

SYSTEM: you dont have two do that you dont have two do any of thii2 bugwiinged non2en2e thii2 ii2 all your guiilt complex.

This is so ridiculously disturbing to you, facing it. You don’t know why this is making you more distressed than you were while he was getting off to some random memory you shared with him. This whole thing is confusing to you, and everything’s weird and blurry. You realise you really want him to pity you. You really want all of this to not just be some orchestration of your situation. You hate all of this. You want to hurt him.

ERIDAN: do you wwant the fuckin TRUTH sol
SYSTEM: no ii want you two liie two me obviiou2ly
ERIDAN: wwhat
SYSTEM: ye2 ii want the truth
ERIDAN: the truth is i gotta leavve for a bit brb
SYSTEM: ?? you knuckle2ponged a22hole ever heard of TIIMIING

Eridan heads toward the ablutionblock without even reading your message and you’re not sure if he’s just doing it to hide from you. It makes you angry and bitter and helpless and livid even if perhaps it’s not fair that he gets no reprieve from you in the first place. You want to strangle him. You’re not sure where all the anger is coming from. The thought that he’d pail you despite being disgusted by you makes you pusher feel black and shrivelled and ready for destruction. 

The guilt is so vibrant. You're not supposed to be something that can choose to do wrong, to feel guilt. You're an object. You're being eaten alive by it.

You’re not actually sure if this is a response to what he’s said or the situation itself, but that’s irrelevant.

SYSTEM: 2o you have been lyiing two me fuckiing great ed what wa2 me tru2tiing you 2ome 2ort of JOKE do you fuckiing loathe me what are you 2tiill piitch for me what the FUCK ii dont even care iim not makiing 2en2e you de2erve retriibutiion you fuckiing LIIAR. dont do me any more favour2 ii dont giive a fuck anythiing ii2 better than that.

You know he sees it because he opens the tab on his phone. But he doesn’t respond until the few minutes later he leaves the ablutionblock and walks the hallways back to his room. You flicker his lights angrily. You’re starting to understand and relate to ghosts. (And you continue, as always, to miss your best friend.)

ERIDAN: im a little confused right noww tbh
ERIDAN: are you displacin your anger onto things that dont make sense?
ERIDAN: or is that me negatin wwhats going on?
ERIDAN: sol im sorry for all a this
ERIDAN: im not lyin to you im not sure wwhat id be lyin about?
SYSTEM: you are the one that a2ked me iif ii wanted the truth all hy2teriical then you dii2appear and act.?? calm?? oh whatever thii2 ii2 all 2tupiid ii am embarra22ed two be a part of thii2 conver2atiion whiich ii2 2ayiing 2omethiing giiven the face of what ii have two be a2hamed about.
ERIDAN: oh wwell i mean the truth bein howw i feel not as opposed to lies ivve told
SYSTEM: 2o???? that ii2??????
ERIDAN: wwell the truth is. i feel guilty about carin about you and wwanna just do wwhatevver the right thing is but in reality i care about you so fuckin much and wwould destroy wworlds for you
ERIDAN: i didnt mean to care bout you so much this wwasnt some sorta trick to make us close im just sensitivve and you say such such THINGS to me evvery night youre just YOU and i cant help the fact i care bout you

You don’t think he’s actually answering any of your questions, but you’re starting to calm down. You’re seeing how much like him he sounds. Weirdly rational to the point where you’re scared he’s repressing shit you want to help unravel, and unrealistically concerned about potential ulterior motives to try to help you. It frames the situation back into some sort of sense.

SYSTEM: 2o are you okay are we 2tiill friiend2?
ERIDAN: im confused but i definitely wwanna be your friend
SYSTEM: and what about the paiiliing and kii22iing?
ERIDAN: wwhat bout it
SYSTEM: you globe gobbliing gob2hiite 2top actiing liike you dont know what iim on about
ERIDAN: im flummoxed okay
ERIDAN: wwhat do you wwant from me cmon sol course i wwanted to flee from the situation course i wwas bloody uncomfortable wwith the position i held no it has nothin to do wwith my actual feelins about you no i didnt do all a this for some moral reasonin
ERIDAN: ALL a my concerns are bout YOU stop frettin
SYSTEM: you diidnt want two do iit.

Holy shit. You’ve fucked up. Every part of you freezes.

ERIDAN: i didnt say that! ugh!
ERIDAN: i didnt wwant to do it LIKE THAT
ERIDAN: i just! dont! like! the idea! of you! hurtin!
ERIDAN: wwoww i guess that means im not pitch for you at all huh
ERIDAN: wwasnt sure cause my respect for you is fuckin insane
ERIDAN: fuck you got me monologuin i fuckin hate myself
SYSTEM: 2o liiterally the piiece that fuck2 wiith u2 ii2 the fact we were pre22ured iintwo a 2iituatiion we werent quiite ready for but not by eiither of u2 by the 2iituatiion iit2elf
SYSTEM: 2o we have two be chiill wiith our2elve2 and each other liike
SYSTEM: we are ju2t. good we are. good.
ERIDAN: okay
ERIDAN: no one pressured us into kissin
SYSTEM: that wa2 for fun
ERIDAN: oh?
SYSTEM: ii mean ii wa2nt kii22ing my2elf why do you make everythiing 2o compliicated.
ERIDAN: it wwas vvery nice
SYSTEM: we could do more of that?
ERIDAN: if it wwont somehoww hurt you
SYSTEM: ?? what are you on about no iit wont hurt me iif you hurt me ii wiill tell you two 2top ii2nt thii2 whole thiing about tru2t come on get iit twogether.
SYSTEM: iif you have two know you are the only other troll iin thii2 tiimeliine two kii22 me be2iide2 one other
ERIDAN: wwait fef?
SYSTEM: even when ii 2o benevolently dont mentiion her name you briing iit up huh
ERIDAN: do you miss her
SYSTEM: eriidan. 2hut the fuck up.
ERIDAN: yeah sorry
ERIDAN: i feel really wweird right noww tbh
SYSTEM: do you need two be left alone :(:(
ERIDAN: do i needa be left alone :(:(
SYSTEM: what the fuck doe2 that mean
ERIDAN: means youre wwitless
SYSTEM: ah ye2 and 2o we 2ee the favouriite pa22tiime of thii2 certaiin decadent 2eadweller: two mock hii2 phone for haviing the ludiicrou2 gall two care about hiim.
ERIDAN: i dont needa be left alone sol your harrassment is alwways called for
SYSTEM: feel liike iim not liiviing up two that hype.
ERIDAN: you nevver answwered me though like you made a huge big deal outta me not answwerin but you nevver bloody said... are you ... okay
SYSTEM: we would rock iin the dreambubble2
ERIDAN: wwhat
SYSTEM: no but iimagiine u2 dead except liike dead iin the game riight now iimagiine u2 giiviing a fuck about each other but dead iin the game riight liike ii could harra22 you wiith my p2iioniic2 and fiind 2omeone2 memory of low graviity 2o theyd be 2o fuckiing powerful eheheh
SYSTEM: okay that2 a dumb example but ju2t iimagiine u2 a2 fuckiing gho2t2 man wouldnt that be 2ome type of 2plendiid and we could have embara22iing make out 2e22iion2 then two except we could al2o fiind all our be2t friiend2 from liife and 2ort all the 2hiit that happened whiile liiviing out and ju2t chiill forever iin the afterliife
ERIDAN: wwe could make out under stars
SYSTEM: youre 2o fuckiing chee2y but hell yeah we could
SYSTEM: my mood2 arent as debiiliitating two liike iim alway2 iirrate but death ii2 pretty niice iin term2 of repriieve from iillne22 and even iif ii diied now iif the game2 rule2 worked iid be my2elf agaiin IIMAGIINE
SYSTEM: not that you 2hould kiill me or anythiing (wiink wiink)
SYSTEM: but ii ju2t mean more iimagiine u2 out iin the dreambubble2 wouldnt that be great.
ERIDAN: it wwould sol
SYSTEM: have two 2ay though there2 ver2iion2 of me that met meenah and wa2 alriight wiith her... wouldnt repeat that
ERIDAN: there are what?
SYSTEM: iim a tru2tworthy 2ource of iinformatiion ye2 thii2 ii2 true.
SYSTEM: anyway2 what we were 2ayiing about me actually haviing my power2 2o ii could take you down ea2y a2 breathiing even iif youre armed
ERIDAN: depends on wwhat im armed wwith
SYSTEM: THERE he ii2 iill 2nap your 2iilly wand iin two.

You go on and on and on. Sometimes you don’t know when to stop.

Chapter Text

You don’t really understand it, but you start doing well. It’s a ridiculous concept, given your situation, but maybe it’s just because you feel safe now. Nalera rarely stops by, and you trust Eridan. You get to talk to him constantly. And he does seem to enjoy your presence, even if he only goes on about that fact after you tell him how much you enjoy his.

You know this is all just some temporary high, that you’re not really alive even if it kind of feels that way to some extent with Eridan running movies on his computer throughout the day while he’s working that you’ve missed. You could even talk to anyone you wanted. Eridan even said he’d try to reach out to people who’d gladly kill him, and they’d probably respond if you tried. You’re so not alive, but you’re also so connected to the living world. You wish you could stomach the thought of talking to anyone besides him. But time drags on, and you resolve to not be a ghost. Anyways, haven’t they already mourned you? Eridan was the only one who appears to have even searched for you. You’re not going to examine that thought too thoroughly.

You also kiss Eridan. A lot. He’s so nervous and gentle and you want to fluster the hell out of him about it. It’s bizarre, to you, to have a desire to be in your biological body, but it also gives you a tangible real way to interact with Eridan and make him react to you, and you love it. You love that there’s no reason for it besides the fact the two of you want to do it. You love that he can’t seem to keep his emotions under check. You love how he looks at you with such starry eyes. And you know there’s no reason for Eridan to quadrant a ship, but he treats you like a moirail would and then you also have your bright red moments. And you can tell from his smiles and his expressions that you’re truly under his skin.

One time, when you’re kissing and you have him close to you, lips on his neck, you realise how quite stupid Eridan is, with his proximity.

“I could rip your throat out with my fangs,” you say, stilling, but he doesn’t take it as a threat. Or at least, if he does, he doesn’t try to move away from you or hurt you for it. He just stands there, waiting for elaboration. “Stupid to be so close,” you say, mangling the s’s.

“I’d wait a bit before you do that,” he says quietly. “But certainly if you really wanna go ahead.”

You know he’s literally killed close friends in self defense, but for some reason you really believe he’d let you.

“Informing you to not be that reckless,” you say, after the pause, and you kiss his neck again. The more he trusts you, the more you manage to trust him.

That is, until the day he walks out of the ablutionblock and you see violet blood dripping passed his shirt sleeve onto his hand.

SYSTEM: youre bleediing

Your text immediately makes him look frightful, and he dabs at the blood on his hand away, but it’s clearly coming from under his sleeves that he doesn’t take off. Is he scared for you to see him shirtless even if he’s wounded? You realise he’s always managed to change out of your line of sight.

ERIDAN: oh yeah its nothin dont wworry bout it
SYSTEM: what happened?
ERIDAN: nicked myself on my knife no biggie
SYSTEM: you 2hould dii2iinfect iit
ERIDAN: leavve it the fuvk alone sol

He pulls at his sleeve more, until the white bottom layer comes out and you see it’s violet stained. He seems to realise his mistake only after you’ve gone into full panic mode.

SYSTEM: eriidan what the hell youre bleediing quiite a biit
SYSTEM: why wont you check your arm??
SYSTEM: oh that2 your left arm you..
SYSTEM: ed??
SYSTEM: ed 2how me your arm.

He scowls and you think you see his hands shake. He says, “I can’t fuckin’ deny you anythin,’” but he doesn’t sound happy about it. He takes off his several layers, and when he gets to the last you can see how clearly purple-stained the white cotton is. And how widespread across his forearm it is. His hands definitely shake when he rolls the sleeve up.

His arm is covered in bleeding cuts, but also healing ones and scars. Your horrible suspicion is confirmed.

ERIDAN: wwanna mock howw stupid and puerile and juvvenile i am then
ERIDAN: hahaHAH
ERIDAN: im still ME sorry if i fooled you thinkin id changed for the better

You don’t know how to respond. It makes you feel sick, to look at. How did you miss this? How did you not know Eridan went carving his arm out on apparently quite a frequent basis when you analyse nearly every hour of his life? And he’s obviously all twisted up about it. How could you possibly navigate that minefield?

You did cut yourself too, when you were alive, when the lows got too bad, or you were too angry during the highs. But it's horrific. To see on him.

SYSTEM: why?
ERIDAN: yknoww wwhen youre desperate and distressed and you cant calm your emotions dowwn or be logical or reasonable thats gotta be you too wwith your mood stuff
SYSTEM: ye2..
ERIDAN: wwell wwhen i get like that all i wwant is someone there i wwant someone to care so badly it makes me desperate and pathetic and NO GOOD for anyone wwho could evver think to be there
ERIDAN: and im dramatic and awwful and full a stupid fuckin wwords that i should drowwn in except its not like i can drowwn
ERIDAN: so i became self reliant see
ERIDAN: it wworks okay it makes me calm dowwn it makes the emotion fade awway and lets me see ration and my mission and the logical steps and all
SYSTEM: that2 what we call a maladaptiive copiing mechanii2m
SYSTEM: and iit2 alriight two get 2upport from other2?
ERIDAN: youre not listenin this is GOOD sol okay i found a wway of bein better and not bringin others dowwn or relyin on people wwho arent there for me anywways cause i drovve them all awway and noww they hate me and it doesnt hurt anyone at all
ERIDAN: i knoww im pathetic and i knoww i shouldnt need any a this but i do and im me and i cant change wwho i am and i just hafta figure out wways of livvin wwith it that doesnt hurt anyone

You look at his scarred, bleeding arm. You think of the thought of him hiding away from you and hurting himself to put on some sort of facade. Doesn’t he get that he has you at least? He can stop, right, if he could just come to you instead?

SYSTEM: youre hurtiing your2elf
ERIDAN: i mean yeah but thats just me im affectin
ERIDAN: wwho cares

You care. You care so much you could strangle him. Of course, you care. He must see that, he must see what he’s doing isn’t right, since he was so meticulous about hiding it from you.

SYSTEM: 2top iit.
ERIDAN: wwhat??
SYSTEM: thii2 ii2 a wriitten platform you heard me.

He looks at the camera, rather wide-eyed and panicked. You’d feel bad, but his arm is still bleeding and it’s abhorrent and you need it to stop.

ERIDAN: wwhat fuckin right do you havve to ask that a me

You don’t have an answer for that. And his jaw is set; he looks angry. You think for the first time since he came on this ship, he might have genuine animosity towards you.

But what can you say? Please trust me? I’d be there for you? The thought of you hurting yourself makes me feel sick? You have no answer to his question. He can do whatever he wants to himself. You can’t, but he can.

So you just don’t respond and make his lights flicker instead and petulantly turn the temperature in his room up a couple of degrees.

He sits down on his loungeplank, not doing anything at all. Maybe he’s thinking. Maybe he wants to cut himself again because of you. Or maybe he’s waiting on a response from you.

ERIDAN: didnt mean that to sound aggressivve

Yes he did. He’s clearly clenching his teeth. He looks like the picture of seething. You don’t know how to respond to that either.

ERIDAN: cant livve up to anyones standards huh

You’re not sure if he’s talking about you or himself, but you’re assuming he’s being self deprecating. Which just makes him ridiculous. But he also does look very angry.

ERIDAN: FINE

He angrily plugs his phone into the charger, and takes off his shirt in a huff. He’s much less discreet getting into his recupreroon. He doesn’t say anything to you for the rest of the day.

When he wakes up, he sends you a “good evvenin” text, but you don’t respond. You can’t just let him go to sleep then go to work and not help him with this issue. You’re not just going to ignore what he feels justified in doing to himself.

Your lack of a response seems to further infuriate him. He angrily ties his shoes.

He seems agitated during work, and he messages you if you’re angry during his break to which you don’t reply. You’re not angry at him. You’re just... angry at him. But you just want to help him.

You watch him barely able to focus on his classwork before storming back to his block that morning.

ERIDAN: so youre ignorin me?

You guess you kind of are. But you don’t want to confirm nor deny that, so you make his lights flicker in his room. You’re there for him.

He starts laughing at that, and it’s scary. Laughing is always your scariest stress response. He’s really not okay, and you’re not sure what to do.

Once he seems to calm down, you watch him take off his jackets and shirts until he’s shirtless, and his poor arm is visible again. He pulls out his knife from his pocket.

“Sol, really? Can’t I do this?” he says, looking straight at the camera, before he goes and viciously slashes against his arm. You feel helpless and distressed and angry, and you don’t know what to do so you just make his lights flicker a whole bunch and crank up the heat in his room while he hurts himself again. Why is he doing this? Was it really that wrong of you to ask him to stop? Should you have asked him how you could help him stop instead?

Your response seems to make him livid, though, fuming.

“Fuckin’ talk to me,” he scathes. But you’re frozen. You don’t know how to make this better. You don’t want to make it worse. He’s holding a knife in his hands and his arm is bleeding again and you don’t know what the fuck to do, so you flicker his lights more and wait for him to feel the change in heat.

But like everything you’ve done, it’s the wrong choice. His hands shake, and you can see now it is rage. “Don’t just ghost me, talk...” He glares at the camera for another moment before angrily grabbing his keys and leaving the room.

Now you’re terrified. You follow him on the cameras in the halls and yeah, he’s going to the helmsblock.

SYSTEM: dont.

He hears the ding and looks at his screen for a split second before unlocking the door, and you’re faced with one really angry sea dweller.

That’s about when your trust in him shatters.

“Are you still not gonna fuckin’ respond?” he says. What could you possibly say? You already pleaded with him not to hurt you, and you’re not going to do that again. The ferocity in his eyes is so desperate and terrifying. You feel foolish for getting swept up in a facade of safety.

But mostly you feel angry.

“I’ll fuckin’ press the switch,” he says, and you believe him. It’s such a clear and unmistakable betrayal. No room for a benefit of the doubt. You break.

SYSTEM: do your wor2t priince.

You brace yourself in rage while you watch his trembling hands. The ding of your message seems to knock him off balance somewhat, and he looks at the message you sent. After that he looks at you, then the knife in his other hand he’d carried, and the back to you again.

And then he just falls down to his knees, not taking another step towards you.

“I... did it again,” he says. You’re not sure what to make of it. He sounds haunted now, totally different than before. Like everything including all acerbity vanished. “I can’t believe I did it again.”

While he’s sitting on the ground he seems to become aware of the phone and the knife in his hand, and he puts his phone down, and grips the knife tight. Before cutting his arm once again. He gasps out in pain then does it again. You’re terrified to draw his attention away from himself onto you, but you can’t watch it. He just keeps hurting himself.

“Th-top,” you finally say, and it does shock him; he looks to you, and drops the knife out of his hand. It clatters on the ground.

“Don’t you see now,” he says. “Why I hafta be punished?”

SYSTEM: you dont get two do heiinou2 2hiit then 2liice your arm open and call iit good

You know you shouldn’t aggravate him, but you can’t help it. He looks gaunt, reading your text.

“Nothing’s fuckin’ good. I’m completely incorrigible,” he says.

SYSTEM: oh 2HUT UP

He presses his lips very close together, and just sits on the ground, looking somewhat dazed, arm still bleeding. He really just went and used self-harm and threats against you and for what exactly? Because you disapproved of something he did? You’re scared and upset, and this is too much to handle.

SYSTEM: 2o arent you goiing two go hurt me now ii2nt that the whole poiint ed
SYSTEM: why dont you 2liice me iintwo 2hred2 iin2tead wont that be a much more entertaiiniing pa22tiime
SYSTEM: force me two perceiive iit all why dont you 2piit on me and laugh at my audaciity two tru2t you not that iit even matter2 becau2e you could do anythiing regardle22.
SYSTEM: ii2 that what ii de2erve ii2 that what2 goiing two happen next tiime ii do 2omethiing two pii22 you off fiinii2h what you fuckiing 2TARTED.

You stop only because there are tears going down Eridan’s face, faint and lavender. He isn’t saying anything, hasn’t moved a single muscle. He’s obviously in so much pain over this, but he isn’t a victim and it makes you so angry.

SYSTEM: why are you cryiing arent you the one who wanted thii2.
ERIDAN: tell me wwhat you wwant me to do
SYSTEM: ii wwant you two fiinii2h what you fuckiing 2tarted.
ERIDAN: no you dont
SYSTEM: youre not the only one who can play thii2 game ed
SYSTEM: do you thiink ii couldnt DE2TROY you
SYSTEM: liike yeah youre legally allowed two break my bone2 and 2ma2h my face iin whiile iim iincapaciitated 2ure
SYSTEM: but do you thiink ii dont know you and exactly how ii could deva2tate you? what word2 would crumple your world?
SYSTEM: iill be the fuckiing na2tiie2t computer viiru2 youve ever 2een and ii bet youd let me.
ERIDAN: ivve no doubt bout that sol
ERIDAN: but i think youre ignorin the problem here
SYSTEM: the problem here??
ERIDAN: ivve gone and fucked up your trust in me and no amount of goadin me into hurtin you or tellin me youre able to hurt me wwill change that
ERIDAN: and idk wwhat you wwant me to DO cause nothin can change it
ERIDAN: but you SHOULD hurt me and you should let me hurt myself cause it wwont fix it either but at least thats wwhat i DESERVVE
SYSTEM: dont you fuckiing dare.
ERIDAN: ill leavve and nevver bother you again i wwont message you or come here or anythin
SYSTEM: 2o you go and abandon me becau2e you cant face the con2equence2 of your actiion2.
ERIDAN: til someone comes wwith a chainsaww and givves me those consequences i dont knoww wwhat else to do
SYSTEM: how about apologii2iing and tryiing two fiix what you diid and acknowledgiing iit wa2 2hiitty iin2tead of runniing away and actiing liike youre the viictiim of your own actiion2. no one2 a2kiing you two diie over thii2.
ERIDAN: wwhat
ERIDAN: im sorry
ERIDAN: i dont knoww exactly wwhat you wwant from this
SYSTEM: ii want you two let me be angry and let me have the chance two forgiive you.

His eyes shoot up, and he looks at you like furious hope. He’s so fucking stupid. Does he not know any basic conflict resolution skills at all? You’re notoriously bad at socialising and have moods that destroy every semblance of impulse control yet you’re still able to see how he’s just escalating everything.

You guess you’re not entirely sure how you’ll trust him again. He has a point there. But isn’t that your choice? Shouldn’t you get the chance?

ERIDAN: im so sorry for losin my sanity and tryna manipulate and scare you into reactin to me it wwas shitty and evvil and honestly unforgivvable
ERIDAN: you deservve better than the firin end of my desperate hopeless tunnel vvision and im gonna do everythin i can to be better forevver

You finally feel calmness dripping in like the way an orange glow of a star hits the outside navigation cameras, bright and almost annoyingly beautiful. That’s a better apology.

SYSTEM: why were you 2o angry that ii diidnt want you two hurt your2elf.
ERIDAN: i wwasnt angry i wwas scared
SYSTEM: ii literally cant actually 2top you you even had two make me very aware of that fact.
ERIDAN: i wwont try to make excuses for myself

You see the roadblock, and you want to push him and understand, but maybe not when he’s right in front of you after threatening you. It’s reassuring, though, that despite the fact he didn’t actually do anything to hurt you, he can see the lines he crossed. You just wish he hadn’t crossed them.

SYSTEM: ii thiink you can get healthiier copiing mechanii2m2 iit2 not liike youre 2uppo2ed two liive wiithout method2 of copiing
ERIDAN: cmon on though arent you at least... a little glad a little SATISFIED that at least SOMEONES hurtin me like
ERIDAN: doesnt it at least bring you some joy
SYSTEM: what the fuck you nub2lurpiing iimbeciile you ju2t keep 2ayiing more and more 2tupiid 2hiit.
ERIDAN: is that a no
SYSTEM: are you me22iing wiith me ii2 thii2 the tiime two me22 wiith me
SYSTEM: why would ii want you two hurt why would you thiink ii want ANYONE two hurt you 2o le22 YOUR2ELF liike do you have globe2 for 2ponge ju2t NO
ERIDAN: wwell like wwhat about noww
SYSTEM: ii wiill never be okay wiith you hurtiing your2elf.
ERIDAN: youre so dramatic bout this my ex literally thought it wwas just funny wwhen she found out
SYSTEM: that2 fucked up
ERIDAN: i mean i guess wwe wwere pitch
SYSTEM: 2tiill fucked up

Eridan just shrugs.

ERIDAN: are you comfortable wwith me in here this block
SYSTEM: iid prefer iif you werent riight now

Eridan blinks and looks around the room uncomfortably. You think he’s hurt by that fact. He nods and goes to leave the block.

When he gets back to his room, he actually recoils back at the heat. He doesn’t say anything though, and you’re certain not to turn it down. Perhaps you’re a bit petty. But it makes you feel safer, when he doesn't come and hurt you for it.

But he could, at any time. He could.

Chapter Text

Eridan is dizzy the next night, presumably from dehydration from the heat during the day. He’s wobbly and mentions being lightheaded and keeps saying he feels weird to coworkers. It’s kind of infuriating, that he doesn’t bring it up to you at all. He doesn’t even seem to really notice.

But it’s also kind of entertaining, and the more you can mess with him without him wanting to hurt you for it, the more you calm down. Which is perhaps an asshole line of thought, but what’s the harm in just keeping the heat up a little. Anyways, isn’t it kind of unfair everything has to be calibrated to him anyways? You’re pretty sure you’ve forgotten what it’s like to not be freezing, and you even let the helmsblock be warmer than average.

SYSTEM: better not be blood lo22 makiing you 2o weiird twoniight
ERIDAN: NO its not i swwear
SYSTEM: perhap2 try driinkiing more water?

You think your pettiness might be just trying to make light of the situation.

When he’s done work for the day and returns to his hot room, he immediately takes off his layers and is shirtless. You hate the state of his arm, but he’s honest about not hurting himself any more. Maybe that’s part of the point.

SYSTEM: the 2y2tem2 diiagno2tiic abiiliitiie2 have diiagno2ed you wiith 2tupiid and the treatment riight now ii2 two dii2iinfect your iinjuriie2
ERIDAN: if you say so sol

He disinfects his arm and puts some ointment on the open cuts, gasping a bit at the initial sting. You turn his temperature up a couple more degrees. It’s a risky dumb thing to do because you’re sure the heat will leak into other rooms, and you’ll get reported, and while it’s not one of the thing that triggers an electrocuting failsafe, Nalera could potentially get very angry about it. But also you’re sure his neighbours would just be happy for the heat, so you’re kind of banking on that. Oh, and that Eridan doesn’t report you.

You wonder how bad you could be before he did something about it.

Instead of spending all day talking to you, he tries to research more information on the controls of piloting a ship. You make his WiFi really slow and randomly open tabs of pictures of bees. If it frustrates him, he doesn’t comment. Actually, it feels like he’s ignoring your obvious presence a bit. Can you have that?

SYSTEM: what2 a 2hiip got two do two conviince iit2 proctor iit2 tiime two beat iit up a biit hm
ERIDAN: if you crash us into a star and wwe die and end up in the afterlife ill duel you
SYSTEM: pretty sure im not allowwed two do that brb got two go check the electrocutiing helm2men2 manual
ERIDAN: damn it wwas a really temptin proposal huh
SYSTEM: two be hone2t, ye2.
ERIDAN: did you knoww that this one neww planet we found has bees that look just like alternian ones just cause they happened to fit the specific niche and evvolvve vvery similarly but its like light swweeps awway its just a total wweird coiincidence a similar alien life form
SYSTEM: ehehe like how earth wwas just like baby alternia
ERIDAN: sorta but that wwasnt a coiincidence that wwas us
SYSTEM: fair
SYSTEM: you should tell aradia
SYSTEM: i mean im sure she already knowws but you still should.
ERIDAN: okay

bygoneUtilitarian [BU] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]

BU: did you knoww that this one neww planet we found has bees that look just like alternian ones just cause they happened to fit the specific niche and evvolvve vvery similarly but its like light swweeps awway its just a total wweird coiincidence a similar alien life form

You’re so scared. What if she doesn’t respond to him? What if it takes days and you’re just waiting in anticipation? Why did you ask him to do this?

You didn’t expect him to, really, it was more joking around. More you just missing her missing her missing her. There’s pain in the biological body’s chest. Numbers are on the fritz.

AA: I’m sorry... who is this?
AA: yes i do know that!! it reminded me of someone actually...
BU: this is eridan ampora wwe played a game together and you mean sollux right
AA: this isnt funny. what you're doing.
AA: grqiikfb qaamrrp eoalrjwoe kocra

SYSTEM: ED WHY THE FUCK II2 AA U2IING THAT CODE
ERIDAN: she mustvve learnt it from someone i havvent talked to her okay
ERIDAN: i didnt make it
ERIDAN: vvris taught me
SYSTEM: do not me22age her iin code
SYSTEM: ed iill crack your code ii 2wear two god
ERIDAN: okay i hear you sorry

BU: hey im not in the decodin mood not to be an ass or anythin
AA: why are you doing this?
BU: havve you talked to vvriska at all?
AA: yes but i also have talked to !
AA: who is certain you reported three of my friends to the drones, one of which I never heard from again who ! told me was dead.
AA: which is stupid if he were dead id have found a way to contact him
AA: so im unsure of what to believe
BU: i swwear i didnt report them i just meant to wwarn them

SYSTEM: iif 2he know2 iim aliive why doe2nt 2he want two fiind me?
ERIDAN: do you wwant me to tell her youre here?
SYSTEM: ab2olutely not ju2t end the conver2atiion plea2e thii2 wa2 a bad idea

AA: so is vriska telling the truth?
BU: vvris is a fuckin spectacular brilliant orchestrater she knowws howw to make things happen i urge you to trust her
BU: but i need to go just wwanted to tell you bout the bees
AA: that has to be to do with sollux though?

SYSTEM: end the conver2atiion now plea2e

bygoneUtilitarian [BU] has ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]

You feel sick all over. She’s known you’re alive. She knows. She fucking knows. How many other people know you’re alive? Did they even try? She didn’t even seem to care. She barely seemed bothered. Did she not care about you the way you thought she did? You love her more than just about anything else in the entire universe. In the multiverse. In all the verses and all of the bubbles and all of the lives. You miss her so badly your pusher aches and breaks and does she even give a fuck? And who’s telling people you’re dead? Did they even try to check?

ERIDAN: sol are you okay?
SYSTEM: iim 2tiill angry at you go faiil at u2iing your viiru2ed hu2ktop 2y2tem
ERIDAN: okay......................
SYSTEM: actually no. tell me. why diid you try two fiind me why diid you warn me.
ERIDAN: cause it wwas the right thing to do
ERIDAN: i cared about you and you wwere abducted wwhat do you suggest i do wwith that just accept that? movve on wwith my life? i knoww wwe wwerent super close or anythin but howw couldvve i done that
SYSTEM: thank you
SYSTEM: for that
SYSTEM: but iim 2tiill angry
ERIDAN: okay sol

He’s smiling though. You flicker the lights nonstop for the next two minutes and he doesn’t comment. Aren’t you being overly annoying? What if he had a seizure disorder, and you so carelessly triggered it? Shouldn’t he get angry at that? When you stop flickering the lights he returns to his husktop, and he’s grinning. You’re not sure what he’s grinning about. Maybe his dehydration is making him delirious. You turn his heat up even more.

He’s weary, though, all night, and Sahfir seems to notice too. She drops by twice while he’s working on his captain program, and then another time late enough he’s actually in his block (which is stupid, he should stay in the cafeteria where it isn’t so warm. You’re not to blame for his lack of functioning neurons.) Also, Sahfir is a stalker.

You mostly think that out of irony.

He fumbles a bit, getting up to answer the door when she knocks.

“Oh, hi Sahf,” he says. She smiles. They hang out a lot during lunch after his job, and it always makes you extremely irritable and also is the reason why you annoy him the most during lunch, perhaps.

“Bugwinged, this is... is this actual heat?” she says. “I can’t remember what it feels like to be warm.”

“Yeah, my block’s a bit hot right now. Is there somethin’ you wanted?”

“This has to be a bug, plus you’re the highest blood on board, do you need to report it?” she says. Your pusher stills. Eridan glances at the camera, and you know you’ve dug this grave yourself, but it’s just so entertaining, watching him dance around not asking you to turn the heat down.

“I requested it, it’s fine don’t worry.”

“But that’s kind of stupid?” she says. “No offense, or anything, but most of the crew are cold all the time, and it’s specifically made to accommodate you. Couldn’t we just have the ship be warmer then?”

“Oh, I never thought about that,” he says, the privileged asshole. “I don’t control these things but if I ever do, I’ll remember that.”

“Anyways, you just seemed... a little off today, and I was wondering if there was something wrong?” she asked.

“No, just pissed off a friend feelin’ guilty,” he says.

“Oh, well. I was wondering. Then, maybe. If you’d care to go on a date with me. Like, in a red manner. I know the best window to see the stars at and make a mean hot cocoa.” You make his lights flicker again, a whole bunch. You’re suddenly regretting your pettiness. What if Eridan doesn’t hurt you, but instead just loses all interest? It’s not like he can really be matesprits with a ship. And it’s not like you’d even feel safe right now to have him kiss you. You hate this. She’s alive, and she has hands that are still in existence. Do you? That has yet to be determined.

You don’t like thinking of it. You process away phantom itches.

“I’m sorry, Sahf, I’m not interested in you like that.”

“What’s wrong with your lights?” she asks, ignoring the rejection outright.

“Oh don’t worry, no big deal,” he says. Sahfir walks into the block, then just sits down on his loungeplank without asking, perhaps basking in the warmth.

“You’re in love with the helm,” she says. Eridan’s eyes go wide, and you suddenly feel frozen, caught, like the last door has been locked on a spaceship, and you’re left to die out in a vacuum.

SYSTEM: what diid you tell her?
ERIDAN: nothin you read all my messages sol

“Uh... why do you think that,” Eridan finally says. He bites his lip. He is such a bad liar. This will not go well.

“This is too hot for your blood caste. This is too hot for me, if I stayed here all night. And the lights started flickering something awful when I asked you out. And this ship doesn’t have bugs. It works perfectly, better than most I’ve been on. The helm is watching us right now. Aren’t they?” Sahfir looks to the camera. It makes you terrified. “I also had the lights flicker in my room once. When I was talking about how much I liked you to a friend. And I don’t think this ship is haunted.” Sahfir is really smart, you realise. She’s smart, funny, bubbly, hot. She reminds you of Eridan’s childhood crush. You know how you feel about her is irrational. She makes you miss Feferi.

You’re a useless accessory at absolute fucking best.

“Look, I requested the heat to be turned up, guess they did it too much...”

“Eridan, you know them, didn’t you? The helm of this ship? That’s why you’re here isn’t it?”

“Why’re you accusin’ me a these things. And what sorta sick fuck would be in love with a captive like that. Stop it.” You make the lights flicker again. You’re really upset and you can’t help it. You’ve been training your think pan to react in these ways too much. If he doesn’t have any feelings for you then maybe he shouldn’t kiss you.

“You’re hurting their feelings.”

Funny. Like you could have feelings. You’re just full of fucking janky code.

“What? Sahf you’re bein’ stupid. Why would the helm run electrical problems to my room then? That doesn’t make sense.”

“Because you just said you pissed your friend off and were feeling guilty.”

“I’m still not makin’ the connections you are.”

“You were obsessive about getting in contact with the helm when I met you, and then once you did, you started smiling, like your face would just light up, all the time, when you got messages. I’ve never seen you look that happy any other time. I’m not trying to accuse you of anything. I’m sorry I did this right after making a fool of myself and asking you out. I still want to be your friend and I’m not going to report you or anything. I don’t even think there’s something I could report. It just didn’t click until now.”

“You’re just takin’ the fact I had an interest in helms ‘cause I’m studyin’ to be a captain and twistin’ it outta proportion.”

“They’d message you every time I tried to flirt with you and your attention would immediately go to your phone. I thought it was weird timing, but they’re watching us. They watch you a lot, don’t they.” She waves to the camera.

It’s strange. She’s just some stranger, but she’s acknowledging you like you’re sentient. Like you’re something that would be capable of being greeted, an object of desire. It’s too intense, and you don’t know how to handle it. Nalera has mostly stopped even doing that since you stopped responding frequently to her, and she was the best. Only a few of the proctors treated you like you’re actually a troll when they’re fucking you, and that was almost always because they wanted to hurt you.

And that’s what stuck out. That was worse.

And even that was just because you’re so young. You know what your future is. You know every step of this is about becoming more and more an object.

“He did w-what now?” Eridan exclaims. Sahfir just chuckles. She really just came in here with a seemingly ludicrous correct theory and flustered Eridan all over. And she doesn’t even seem aggressive towards you. Also she thinks Eridan’s in love with you, and wants to just be friends with him anyways. She’s really cool.

She should be with Eridan.

The frustration and anger fades into an empty aching bitterness.

“See! I’m right!”

“So you really think that I came aboard this ship lookin’ for a specific helmsman, and he’s just watchin’ us all the time, and he’s angry at me so he’s makin’ my block hot? You really think that?”

SYSTEM: 2ol 2he know2 iit2 okay

“Is that him now?” Sahfir asks. “Helms aren’t supposed to be able to communicate, though. Why is he able to do that?”

You can’t tell if she means because you’re supposed to be lacking cognizance or if she means your ability to manipulate your way into devices connected to the ship’s WiFi.

SYSTEM: go on tell her it2 cau2e cau2e iim a fuckiing geniiu2
ERIDAN: i cant tell if youre serious or not

“Look this is a silly theory and I’m gettin’ uncomfortable with this. I’m sorry I’m not interested in datin’ but it’s not ‘cause a some secret conspiracy with the helm.”

“How did you know him, before?”

SYSTEM: iidiiot you let my pronoun 2liip 2he caught on iimmediiately. iit2 okay ii dont thiink 2he can hurt u2.

Eridan looks really torn, and he’s still all dehydrated, drawn looking from the heat.

ERIDAN: sol she can endanger things
SYSTEM: how?
ERIDAN: cause im a bad liar and idk howw i havvent
ERIDAN: ugh i feel so tired
ERIDAN: SHIT sorry for complainin
SYSTEM: you can complaiin

“We played a game together,” Eridan finally admits. “I kinda hated him, we fought a lot actually. But he disappeared, and I couldn’t save him.”

“Ah,” she says, and she’s smiling.

“Also, he wants you to know that the reason he can message me through the internet is ‘cause he’s a fuckin’ genius.”

“Nice, nice. But, uh. You do know what a quadrant proctor is right?” You make the lights flicker. She looks a bit chastised at that, and wrings her hands. Lets her anxiety come back.

“Why?”

“Because you have red feelings for someone who might have one.”

“Look, I admitted to knowin’ the guy, alright.”

“Eridan, terrible things could be happening to your friend.”

“You don’t needa fuckin’ explain to me how it works!” he exclaims. He starts pacing angrily. You notice an acceleration of the body’s blood pusher.

“I’m sorry, I won’t bring it up again,” she says. Then she looks at the camera. “And I’m sorry if I’m being rude to you too.” It’s actually kind of fun, you think. To be treated almost like you’re another living being. But Eridan has just stopped pacing.

“You can’t tell anyone ‘bout this,” Eridan says, and he sounds more vulnerable with it.

“Alright,” she says.

“And also... I’m not a good friend, alright? Like I dunno why you wanna be friends despite me not likin’ you back, but it’s just not a good move okay. I hurt people.”

SYSTEM: back up
SYSTEM: dont go 2abatogiing your friiend2hiip2

“I can make my own opinion of that I think,” she says. She seems a lot more confident now that she’s called Eridan out on his secret love fantasy involving the ship she lives on. Ha. “What’s he saying?”

“He’s accusin’ me of sabatogin’ friendships.”

“Is that what you did to make him angry at you?”

“Sorta, but. It was bad. It’s a sublime example a why you shouldn’t be near me ever.”

“What happened?”

“Not my place to say. But I was terrible.”

“Okay.”

“I dunno if he’ll ever forgive me.”

“Okay.”

“Why’re just sayin’ ‘okay.’’

“You’re an even hotter mess than I thought,” she says. “Probably for the best we’re just going to be friends.”

“I’m the reason why the term friendship is listed as a disease.”

SYSTEM: that ha2 two be the edgiie2t thiing youve ever 2aiid

“Oh did he disagree?” Sahfir asks.

“No he just called me edgy.” Sahfir starts laughing at that. You’re glad that Eridan’s starting to see her more like herself instead of the neuroses he generally turns her into.

He’s going to start liking her. She isn’t some object with no agency. She’s worth being liked, and all this fucking turmoil and melodrama is just another part of your personal inability to acclimate to anything, no matter what’s done to you. You need to get fucking over it. You need to stop tricking yourself into thinking you’re something real just because Eridan makes you feel that way. The drop off is cold and acrid.

SYSTEM: iif the iidea of haviing feeliing2 for me make2 me 2o 2iick maybe you 2houldnt kii22 me and talk about all the diifferent alternatiive liive2 we could have twogether.
ERIDAN: yeah wwell maybe i am a sick fuck evver thought a that
SYSTEM: ii2 that why you had two threaten me wa2 ii 2iick for cariing about you.

“Is everything alright...” Sahfir asks. You weren’t paying attention to Eridan’s face, but you’re guessing your bitterness is reflected all over it.

“Sorry, my friend’s angry, and I dunno how to stop makin’ things worse,” he responds.

“The helm?”

“Stop callin’ him that.”

“Do you need me to leave?”

“Yeah I wanna pay attention to him unless he’s too angry to talk to me.”

SYSTEM: not two be a fly on the wall but iim a fly on thii2 wall.

“Okay,” Sahfir says, before saying goodbye and leaving. Eridan messages you, but you don’t respond immediately, electing to watch Sahfir go back to her block instead, gently flickering lights along the way. She gets boring when she starts watching some dumb tv show you’re sure Karkat would have much more thoughtful opinions on, and you finally turn deal with your Eridan situation.

ERIDAN: my anger wwas nothin to do wwith you
ERIDAN: please dont internalise wwhat i did in some wway like that
ERIDAN: im honoured for any type a care you feel for me
ERIDAN: im sorry again im sorry im sorry im sorry
ERIDAN: IM SO FUCKIIN SORRY
ERIDAN: i hope i can stop lettin you dowwn

You don’t know how to respond to that, so you just leave his heat on high. You haven’t noticed any increase in his water uptake which you’re very concerned about because he keeps acting so dizzy. He needs to treat his health as a greater concern. After he finally gives up waiting for your response, in the middle of the day you find some way to message him back while he’s asleep.

SYSTEM: ju2t fuckiing driink more water ed the dehydratiion ii2 goiing two your head.

Nalera does come in, that day. She touches you and cleans the room and fusses with the wires. 

You tell her hello, to test the waters. To try to feel real, for some bizarre reason. You know she hears, even with your unused throat.

She looks at you a little unnerved, strokes her hands around the base of your head, by your neck, where wires enter, checking them, making sure you're in working condition, and leaves.

You try not to feel too bad. She had a television show she was late to the beginning of when she returns to her block. She was probably just in a hurry.

It sits in your chest weird, though. Maybe she never actually saw you as a person. Maybe it was just protocol. To make her job easier. 

Eridan, though. You're so real to him, he'd threaten you.

He looks so peaceful while he sleeps.

Chapter Text

Eridan does drink a bit more water that day, but not enough for your liking. You watch him that day, and you watch how he avoids Sahfir the entire time. Which you think is really rude, honestly, considering now that she knows what’s going on with his life and wants to be a part of it, he could make an actual friend.

You think you need to talk more about why Eridan threatened you after his program is done because you should probably stop making his block a sauna -- or, maybe: you should make it even colder than he likes, payback, for being a violet blood. The only problem with that genius plan is that you don’t actually like seeing Eridan suffer at all: you like the fact he is letting you be petty about this without threatening you more, and it’s clear he’s not going to lash out. So you should get over yourself. But when you go to try to talk to him about the situation at hand that day, you find yourself on a much different topic.

SYSTEM: ed can ii a2k you a per2onal que2tiion
ERIDAN: sure though noww im curious you usually just ask
SYSTEM: you know how you fiin2 are damaged?

“They’re w-what now-w,” he exclaims, really disturbed at the thought, eyes going wide. He goes to the small mirror in his room to check his face fins, and calms down a bit.

ERIDAN: made me look?
SYSTEM: ii meant your 2maller fiin2 on your pelvii2

Eridan doesn’t look shocked or scared at that. He does, however, look quite sick. He’s a bit frozen for a second, and you spot a violet blush saturating his face. He bites his lip and finally his gaze moves an inch just to look away at nothing. It takes him a minute to respond.

ERIDAN: yeah wwhat about it
SYSTEM: you diidnt do that two your2elf diid you
ERIDAN: no
ERIDAN: i wwouldnt
ERIDAN: no

He’s even shaking his head. Apparently, the thought is quite repulsive. You’re really relieved to hear that, but it doesn’t stop the question that’s been nagging in the background of your system ever since you took note of it.

SYSTEM: what happened two them?
ERIDAN: thats embarrassin
ERIDAN: my kismesis she wwon that round i guess
SYSTEM: vrii2ka??
ERIDAN: no my ex kismesis sorry
ERIDAN: mavvien dafehi
ERIDAN: she liked my pain to be extra horrifyin for me like otherwwise it wwasnt that great i guess
SYSTEM: but that mu2t have been.. 2he tore at your fiin2 and they healed 2carred??
ERIDAN: i mean yeah that is wwhat happened im not sure wwhat you wwant me to say about it
ERIDAN: like i mean i guess its a good thing wwe wwere nevver pitch tbh i thought about that a bit cause wwell
ERIDAN: your psychic powwers wwere evven better than hers
ERIDAN: i wwent on about howw you wwerent evven wworth the rivvalry but lookin back the idea actually kinda terrifies me i guess youre outta my league
ERIDAN: her powwers wwell she couldnt hold me dowwn like you wwouldvve been able to hers wwere more to do wwith muscle wweakness shed zap them
SYSTEM: what are you on about?
SYSTEM: ED ii would never u2e my p2iioniic2 two torture 2omeone no matter what quadrant we were iin??
SYSTEM: you get that that2 not what kii2me2ii2 are riight liike you get that thii2 ii2 fucked up?
SYSTEM: what happened wiith you two?
ERIDAN: uhm
ERIDAN: wwell look its not like im totally wweak or anythin okay i alwways wwould wwin at the beginnin of our fights i wwill alwways be a glorious thing to spectate in a duel
ERIDAN: it wwas actually a lot of fun at the beginnin too i hated her so much i thought she was selfish and it infuriated me that she would have outperformed me if it wwerent for the fact she wwas a lowwer blood so i just had it easier
ERIDAN: cause i had a righteous mission and shes just selfish okay sorry obvviously some feelins are still there
ERIDAN: and wwhen wwe wwould fight her touch basically zaps my muscle powwers so itd be a matter a me tryna get hits in to her enough to make her wwanna stop before she could get her hands on me enough
ERIDAN: but that also meant the longer wwe wwent on the more my body just sorta fuckin shuts dowwn on itself and i couldnt defend myself
ERIDAN: especially wwhen wwe wwere officially together or intimate or wwhatevver cause she really just lovved using her stupid psychic powwers no offense to you psychics but i hate them
ERIDAN: im sorry im just going on bout my ex here wwhat exactly did you wwant to knoww
ERIDAN: just see howw embarrassin i wwas
ERIDAN: lets laugh at the stupid fish wwho failed at evvery quadrant hes evver been in
ERIDAN: haha
SYSTEM: no
SYSTEM: that2 an abu2iive kii2me2ii2 iit 2ound2 liike
SYSTEM: waiit holy fuck ed diid 2he fuck up your mu2cle2 and have you iincapable of fiightiing back whiile 2he 2carred and damaged iintiimate deliicate organ2?????
ERIDAN: yeah i did think that wwas a little fucked up cause sea dwwellers havve a lot of importance on our fins and she didnt get that she just got howw much it freaked me out
ERIDAN: vvris didnt like her at all either i think i almost got her to auspistice
ERIDAN: but i did really care about her okay like shes really the only real quadrant ivve had
ERIDAN: and wwe wwere kismesises like dont go makin it into somethin it wwasnt i fought her plenty too i evven knocked her out a feww times wwhen i especially didnt wwanna let her get her hands on me
ERIDAN: the thing that really bloody hurts me lookin back isnt the pain she liked to inflict as much as the fact that it felt like she liked me cause i wwouldnt end it no matter howw much she hurt me?
ERIDAN: it felt like she wwas usin me more as a fuckin punchin bag than a rivval
ERIDAN: i think she found my loneliness and howw much i cared bout her as a weakness but she pitied me for it but also used it to hurt me more wwhich wwasnt black at all howw wwas that supposed to drivve me to be better
SYSTEM: are you 2ayiing you 2tayed iin a relatiion2hiip wiith 2omeone who permanently 2carred you??
ERIDAN: hahahha yeah like that i think she thought of it like that and thats wwhy she
ERIDAN: yeah i did as i said this wwhole thing is really embarrassin for me
ERIDAN: like the real kicker is she did a lot of fucked up shit to me but then she just got bored
ERIDAN: i didnt leavve her AT ALL SHE left ME
ERIDAN: and i wwasnt alright after that
SYSTEM: iim 2o 2orry that happened two you
ERIDAN: wwhat arent you angry
SYSTEM: ju2t cau2e iim angry doe2nt mean that ii hate you eriidan
SYSTEM: iit2 okay two be vulnerable wiith me
ERIDAN: oh hm
ERIDAN: ii sorta wwas under the impression you wwanted this info cause you wwere angry
SYSTEM: what why ii a2k about your health becau2e iim angry?
ERIDAN: wwell i just mean its embarrassin and a painful story for me
ERIDAN: lots a material to hurt me wwith?
SYSTEM: eriidan youre 2o fuckiing 2tupiid 2ometiime2 ii dont even know what two do wiith iit
SYSTEM: ii wa2 concerned you iidiiot.
SYSTEM: iim not what goiing two make ?? fun of you for haviing 2omeone you cared about u2e and torture you?
ERIDAN: oh
ERIDAN: concerned?
ERIDAN: like

Eridan types out the word “care” then backspaces before deleting it. He is aware the send function is just for the record of your convo and you’re actually just monitoring his screen, right?

SYSTEM: yeah liike care
SYSTEM: for the record beiing fuckiing eviil doe2nt make you a 2uperiior kii2me2ii2 iit ju2t make2 you a 2hiitty troll
SYSTEM: liike damn iif ii went and kiilled my partner iin theiir 2leep would that make me better than them? no.
SYSTEM: iit would make me a jacka22
ERIDAN: oh
ERIDAN: thats a wweird take
SYSTEM: you de2erve better than that ed
ERIDAN: you
ERIDAN: you think i deservve better
SYSTEM: yeah that2 what ii ju2t 2aiid
ERIDAN: i guess i wwasnt expectin this response

He bites his lip, and he looks so vulnerable and baffled by the whole thing it makes you realise you need to sort your feelings out with your anger so he can feel comfortable being vulnerable with you again. But not now.

SYSTEM: ii2 2he why youre 2o much more re2erved and hiide your feeliing2 2o much more?
ERIDAN: oh no i started gettin better at that long before i met her
ERIDAN: not that i dont constantly fail but
ERIDAN: it wwas actually kinda nice wwith her cause my emotions couldnt screww it up like yeah she could use them against me but it wwasnt like she felt any obligation to care bout my wwellbein and find me drainin
SYSTEM: waiit ii2 thii2 all the way back two do wiith FF?
SYSTEM: cau2e 2he couldnt handle me eiither 2o
ERIDAN: it wwas evveryone

You want to care about him so badly it makes your pusher feel like it’s aching. And the anger you feel towards Mavien is unlike anything you’ve ever felt in your life. How can you feel so protective when you’re so helpless? But you can still talk to him and let him know and know and know how much he is cared about and has someone there whenever he needs someone there so he doesn’t need to hurt himself at all. You feel on fire with your pale feelings. You want to paint him diamonds.

But you’re also, somehow, still so enraged at him.

ERIDAN: so uh question i guess and answwer it howwevver cruelly you wwant
ERIDAN: wwas my deformity really that obvvious

He looks fragile, like he’s made of this particular type of wiring you always had to be so careful with. Like a condenser microphone. Like you.

He really just thinks your wake of anger would make you lash out against him while he’s clearly so vulnerable? It makes you a bit upset, but you want to reassure him somehow. You like thinking of ways to cheer him up.

SYSTEM: no iit wa2nt obviiou2
SYSTEM: ii wa2 ju2t lookiing
SYSTEM: hiint hiint wiink wiink
ERIDAN: lookin?
SYSTEM: yeah they look 2o iintere2tiing and ii ju2t want two touch them

Eridan is now fighting a grin and his face now looks tinged with its purple, but it’s in a much better way. You feel such a sense of accomplishment you can almost ignore how sad it makes you that you won’t ever be able to touch them.

ERIDAN: thats
ERIDAN: sol
ERIDAN: shtu up
SYSTEM: am ii beiing two iinappropriiate for the liittle 2ea dweller
ERIDAN: shhhshhshh
SYSTEM: there2 nothiing wrong wiith you ed

Now he’s actually smiling. Yeah, you need to sort your shit out. But not today.

Chapter Text

Neither of you talk the next day about much, but a big part of that is Eridan had a late meeting as well so he was extremely exhausted by the end of the night. So you flash his lights continuously until he wakes up after he’s already gone to sleep, and wait patiently for whatever anger he has towards you.

ERIDAN: sol are you alright??
SYSTEM: ju2t te2tiing the 2y2tem2 makiing 2ure they 2tiill work.
ERIDAN: oh okay
ERIDAN: wwell they obvviously do
ERIDAN: is it okay if i go back to sleep?
SYSTEM: you dont need two a2k my permii22iion two 2leep

Eridan looks somewhat uncomfortable, but eventually falls back asleep. You wait twenty minutes later before flashing his lights incessantly again. You realise that what you’re doing is kind of messed up, but you’re just trying to figure out what will it take to make him snap again.

Eridan doesn’t message you that time though, but he does come out from behind his recuperoon in his clothes to sit on the loungeplank, wrapped in a snuggleplane.

SYSTEM: arent you tiired
ERIDAN: ill livve
SYSTEM: ii dont under2tand
SYSTEM: iim actually becomiing bad for your health
ERIDAN: uhm
ERIDAN: its okay?
SYSTEM: why dont you at lea2t 2tand up for your2elf?
ERIDAN: i wwant you to feel safe to feel angry at me
SYSTEM: how am ii 2uppo2ed two feel 2afe at all when you 2torm iintwo my block and threaten two 2lam me iintwo my body
ERIDAN: i cant answwer that
ERIDAN: i can only apologise
SYSTEM: but why diid you do iit why wa2 iit then?
SYSTEM: were you 2o angry that ii a2ked 2omethiing of you?
SYSTEM: or ii2 thii2 all part of you whole 2y2tem of thiinkiing iit2 fucked up for me two care for you
SYSTEM: ii2 me cariing about you 2ome 2ort of death 2entence??
ERIDAN: sol stop it
ERIDAN: it wwasnt that you cared okay it wwas that you
ERIDAN: i cant do this okay i cant be not emotionally invvolvved
ERIDAN: its too much for me its too bloody much its too much
ERIDAN: you kiss me and its like its you its like its YOU
ERIDAN: you talk to me constantly and its all i evver wwanna do
ERIDAN: you tell me you care about me you tell me all these things and i cant stop how emotionally invvolvved i am and i wwish that there wwas anyone else that could help you besides me cause i cant and i cant
SYSTEM: 2low down
SYSTEM: ii want you emotiionally iinvolved?
SYSTEM: ii want you two care about me?
SYSTEM: 2hould ii not you dont have two talk two me eiither you know.
ERIDAN: im not explainin myself wwell
ERIDAN: i care bout you too much and i care about losin you
ERIDAN: youvve made me so vvulnerable
ERIDAN: but then you saww me for me howw fucked up i am
ERIDAN: wwhat i tried to hide
ERIDAN: i wwasnt angry at all i wwas scared
ERIDAN: hopeless fear makes me act all crazy and vviolent
SYSTEM: ii dont under2tand what you were afraiid of.
ERIDAN: you stopped talkin to me
ERIDAN: you saww me for wwhat i wwas howw pathetic and howw i wwas still the person you once couldnt stand and you just asked me to change then disappeared
ERIDAN: so i lost it tryna get your attention back on me
SYSTEM: oh

There’s a sudden flash – like a dark sky suddenly illuminated by a lightning strike – of such a deep anger it terrifies you. It’s not right, you think. It’s not right, and he’s sorry and he went on and on about how he’d be willing to never speak to you again, to give you the freedom away from his actions. But it’s still not right. 

But the anger fades like a catalysed desaturation. He’s let you say everything you want to say. He didn’t try to turn anything into an overreaction or defend what he did. You know he could have. The only person who was bleeding at the end was him. Everything ends up really faded, in your mind, like a periwinkle sunrise on a planet with ash and a faraway sun. 

Maybe you’re just moved by how desperately he seems to need you. Maybe that’s what you actually wanted. You’re not really able to tell because your thoughts are tinted ivory like they’ve been bleached.

You realise he’s messaged you, but you didn’t check.

ERIDAN: i knoww that sounds so awwful and it is i assure you that you can hate me and you can ignore me and you can nevver speak to me again i wwont do anythin like that i dont knoww wwhat came ovver me i thought id killed that part a me

You think you almost believe him. There’s at least no vitriol left in you. You let up on the heat and change the temperature setting back to the sea dweller setting it’s supposed to be at. You’re drained.

Eridan types up multiple more messages about whether or not you want him to stop bothering you or not, which is really funny because he would technically be so easy to ignore right now, but not ignoring him literally means you see everything he types.

It takes a few minutes for Eridan to start looking at the vent, perplexed, then back at you. For some reason his eyes look wide. The speed at which he’s moving seems stilted and frantic.

ERIDAN: does that mean youre done wwith me

He’s scared and sad, and you want to reassure and comfort him, but you feel frozen. You aren’t done with him. You’re just done with your anger. Or maybe done with finding comfort in harassing him with technical issues. 

He cares about you. He cares about you a lot. He’s said it on multiple occasions, but you don’t think you really understood until now, when you realise how terrified he is of losing you.

It also makes you feel powerful. But you don’t want to examine that too much.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” he says. You don’t respond. He nods, bites his lip, and ignores tears welling up in his eyes. He sits there for a bit, but then the tears threatened to spill and they weren’t bluffing. Eridan moves to his loungeplank and goes under his snuggleplane. 

You think it might be to try to hide his reaction, whether for pride or in an effort not to try to control you again, but it doesn’t work because his whole body shakes with the fabric and his breathing is horribly messed up, hitching and sobbing in a failed silent manner. It’s devastating, to watch. You want to do anything else. You could look at the stars, check the ship, find ways to save the energy you wasted on his room (though you’re really smart on saving energy, so you think you’ve got room to spare). But you can’t. This is your fault. And you could end it. But you can’t.

You want him to really think you’re done with him. You want to see if that inspires him to hurt you. But all you’re doing is hurting him, and that hurts all the same.

But time drags on. He doesn’t do anything but cry, and after about an hour he doesn’t hide the sounds of his sobbing at all. Why isn’t he doing something else? Why isn’t he reaching out to a friend or watching a show or playing a game or anything? He’s just lying there crying. It’s like you’re torturing him.

He eventually gets up to leave his block, and you’re worried he’s gone to cut himself again, but when he comes back he’s still wearing the bare thin white shirt under the rest of his uniform, and he walks in with the sleeves rolled up. He dares a glance at the security camera before hiding under his snuggleplane again. He has no new cuts.

You watch him for hours. Sometimes he’ll stop, just for a bit, and everything will become stiller, before he starts shaking and sobbing again. The day is almost over by the time you snap, by the time you see that yeah, he isn’t going to hurt you for this again, that you finally break and message him.

SYSTEM: no iit mean2 ii thiink youre unhealthiily dehydrated.

Eridan’s snuggleplane jerks, then stills at the sound of the ding. He suddenly lurches up, gets tangled reaching out and grabbing his phone. You’re glad to see his face again, even if it’s wet with tears. 

Eridan’s breathing gets erratic when he reads it, and you’re not sure how to read him. He seems frazzled and overwhelmed. Did he not want you to message him after all?

ERIDAN: wwhat
SYSTEM: ii turned your heat down becau2e youre dehydrated not cau2e iim done wiith you
ERIDAN: oh
ERIDAN: haha guess i ovverreacted
ERIDAN: i mean nothin important but im glad youre not yet at least

Nothing important? You just watched him cry all day. 

SYSTEM: hm
ERIDAN: i didnt cut myself i swwear okay i mean i wwanted to cod if i had i probably could actually have a proper convversation noww im sorry im sorry im just havvin trouble thinkin clearly and calmin dowwn its nothin you dont needa im sorry
SYSTEM: ed iit2 okay
ERIDAN: i cant spin out a control just cause youre busy or wwhatevver
SYSTEM: you thought youd lo2t a friiend iit make2 2en2e
ERIDAN: sol you dont havve to be so nice to me i wwont hurt you if you wwant nothin to do wwith me

Nice to him? You watched him in horrific agony for hours on end and could have stopped it in a second and didn’t. All for what? To confirm a safety you already on some level knew you had? It doesn’t stop you, though, from wanting to help him now.

SYSTEM: ii want two be the troll
ERIDAN: sorry?
SYSTEM: you 2aiid that when youre de2perate and 2ufferiing what you really de2iire ii2 2upport from other2.
SYSTEM: iim kiind of ju2t a 2hiip and iim 2ure you could fiind better 2upport but
SYSTEM: ii mean fuckiing hell thii2 ii2 the gro22e2t pale confe22iion anyone ha2 ever had the gall two giive ii2nt iit am ii 2piittiing diiamond2.
SYSTEM: diid not 2ee that ehehe
ERIDAN: you wwanna be my moirail?

There’s a weird blank look on Eridan’s face that scares you. You’ve never actually been moirails with anyone (though you practically were with Aradia, who are you fooling). Maybe you’ve already fucked this up.

SYSTEM: ii mean ii cant do quadrant 2hiit well becau2e 1.) ii do everythiing iin two2 and 2.) iim liiterally a fuckiing 2pace2hiip. but ye2 ii gue22 2o though mo2tly ii gue22 iif ii had two confe22 feeliing2 theyd ju2t be red.
ERIDAN: sol i swwear on fuckin evverythin that you can wwant nothin to do wwith me and i wwont hurt you or myself evven i wwont do anythin drastic you dont havve to do that
SYSTEM: yeah.
SYSTEM: iif you ever threaten me agaiin ii wiill never 2peak two you agaiin under no ciircum2tance2 and no matter what you do two me or threaten me wiith.
ERIDAN: understood
ERIDAN: wwait so you really wwanna gimme another chance??

The dazzling hope in his eyes makes you feel warm somehow. 

SYSTEM: ye2 ii care about you two ii thiink ii forgiive you.
SYSTEM: and for whatever it2 worth eriidan ii diidnt dii2appear ii wa2 ju2t fuckiing 2cared.
SYSTEM: what could ii 2ay two 2top you hurtiing your2elf?
SYSTEM: every move ii made 2eemed two make thiing2 wor2e
SYSTEM: ii wa2nt tryiing two cut you out and ii already know who you are there2 not 2ome deep 2eated rejectiion iin all of thiii2 ludiicriiou2 bull2hiit.
SYSTEM: ii dont thiink youre pathetiic and yeah ii couldnt 2tand you but iin faiirne22 you diid ju2t talk down two me about the ea2iie2t fuckiing piickiing2 and try two duel me iit2 not cau2e ii had 2ome horrible aver2iion two who you iinnately are lol.

Eridan is crying again, his silent lavender tears. You want to kiss them off his stupid face, but you’re not even in the same block as him. 

ERIDAN: this is so much
SYSTEM: ju2t be open wiith me youre not goiing two hurt me.
ERIDAN: sol you dont understand i feel SO MUCH
SYSTEM: okay?
SYSTEM: and?
ERIDAN: but i feel so much bout this bout YOU
ERIDAN: i wwas just scared youd gone and i
ERIDAN: im not good
SYSTEM: iill open up two you 2ome more iif you open up two me?
ERIDAN: sol you dont understand
ERIDAN: im a horrible moirail
ERIDAN: like abominable
SYSTEM: diid 2omeone tell you that??
ERIDAN: i mean... basically?
ERIDAN: did she not mock me to you
SYSTEM: what
SYSTEM: waiit
SYSTEM: are you talkiing about FF??
SYSTEM: ed that wa2 2weep2 ago and 2he would not be well matched for you.
ERIDAN: yeah lol people only wwanna quadrant wwith me if thye get a spare punchin bag
ERIDAN: wwouldnt makea healthy moiraliege

He's hurting your pusher. You fight the urge to ask him if the reason he was with Mavien was just punishment, if so is this imposed isolation. 

SYSTEM: you are 2O 2TUPIID
SYSTEM: do you value your2elf at all.
ERIDAN: i vvalue my mission
SYSTEM: your worth ii2nt ju2t iin your 2ucce22 you know.
ERIDAN: i hate myself so much
ERIDAN: i hate that all i evver wwanna do is tell you evverythin alwways and i often do
ERIDAN: i hate that my best friends hate me and im stuck forevver at age six like i actually did die then i feel like i did

You're not the best at thinking about how life ended with the game. But he's safe with you, and he's alive, he's got to know that right?

SYSTEM: you can tell me everythiing alway2 there2 nothiing wrong wiith that ii liiterally me22age you at every moment ii dont feel guiilty for not for the mo2t part.
SYSTEM: liike damn you have work 2oon goiing two call iin 2iick?
SYSTEM: and ii wii2h you diidnt hate your2elf and ii get feeliing 2tuck iin whatever the game diid two u2 but ii dont hate you.
ERIDAN: i
ERIDAN: you
ERIDAN: you actually act like you CARE about me
SYSTEM: uh cau2e ii do
SYSTEM: ii feel liike at thii2 poiint ii could not make iit any more obviiou2
SYSTEM: liike ii get that ii have no experiience wiith thii2 2hiit cau2e iim u2ed two people ju2t 2pelliing out theiir feeliing2 and reactiing be2t ii can untiil ii lo2e my 2hiit and never 2hut up about riidiiculou2 matter2 but
SYSTEM: feel liike iive made thii2 pretty clear
SYSTEM: ii gue22 my poiint ii2 iim here for you all that me22y quadrant 2hiit a2iide.
ERIDAN: wwoww
ERIDAN: thats ineffable to me
ERIDAN: you wwant me to be fully open and vvulnerable and you wwill in return huh
SYSTEM: 2ure ye2 that 2ound2 fea2iible and 2mart.
ERIDAN: i feel like im evvil to let you care bout me at all
ERIDAN: but also i wwant you to so badly it makes focusin on just bout anythin else nigh impossible
ERIDAN: no one should care bout me and i didnt think anyone wwould so
ERIDAN: its just a lot. for me.
ERIDAN: okay noww you go spill your vvascular system out for me hahah
SYSTEM: that2 a 2eriiou2 complex you got there 2iincerely dont thiink there2 anythiing wrong about acceptiing love from 2omeone though got two 2ay iit2 weiird youre not lookiing for that 2ort of nece22ary troll experiience wiith troll2 who are ... aliive.
ERIDAN: youre alivve sol
SYSTEM: 2ure whatever you 2ay.
ERIDAN: didnt you say youd open up to me
SYSTEM: iidk know all my thought2 2eem really 2tupiid now iit2 not liike iive been hiidiing anythiing from you ii dont thiink.
SYSTEM: oh well
SYSTEM: there2 2omethiing that ha2 been gettiing two me but iit2 2o riidiiculou2 and ii feel petty two even care but ii do.
ERIDAN: oh?
SYSTEM: ii dont thiink any of my friiend2 cared that ii dii2appeared.

The way you say that makes you remember why everyone thought you were such a sensitive melodramatic freak. But it's so hard to configure what it means for time to have passed, while you've been this.

SYSTEM: or maybe they were bothered or maybe they were ju2t u2ed two everyone beiing dead after the game iidk.
SYSTEM: but aa know2 iim aliive and 2he2 ju2t okay wiith not knowiing where ii am or iif iim okay?
SYSTEM: ii would 2earch every uniiver2e two fiind her iif ii could.
SYSTEM: ii get that they all have liive2 now and ii mean kk and ff are iin hiidiing iit2 not liike they could have done 2hiit about iit.
SYSTEM: but iit ju2t hurt2 more than ii thought iit would knowiing ii could ju2t dii2appear and have iit not matter.
ERIDAN: honestly i dont think its possible for them not to care cause sol they wwere wway closer to you than i wwas and its eaten me alivve for swweeps.
ERIDAN: and they hated me SO much thinkin id gotten you taken i dont knoww howw sad they wwere cause it wwas mostly rage towwards me but im sure they wwere devvastated
ERIDAN: i actually think maybe theyd risk evverythin for the chance to savve you
ERIDAN: i just havve more resources than anyone else
ERIDAN: just cause i wwas able to reach you wwhile others wwerent doesnt mean they dont care
SYSTEM: are you 2ure you dont ju2t care more?
ERIDAN: i wwont say that i might havve gotten ovverly attached to evveryone i wwas friends wwith before and in the game
ERIDAN: but if you are wwilling to search univverses for aradia and she wwasnt wwillin to do the same i wwouldnt understand her at all.
SYSTEM: ii know youre riight.
SYSTEM: cant ii ju2t be off the 2hiit2 angry about iit though about everyone gettiing two move on and liive liive2 liike ii never even exii2ted whiile ii never get two liive agaiin.
SYSTEM: ii ju2t need 2ome rage even iif ii have no greater gratiitude than knowiing theyre all aliive.
ERIDAN: thats fair but for wwhat its wworth ivve wworried bout you nonstop
SYSTEM: iit2 worth quiite a lot ii thiink.
SYSTEM: iit doe2nt make 2en2e giiven what happened iin our tiimeliine though.
SYSTEM: diid gettiing 2tuck iin my horriifiic thiink pan 2car you for liife or 2omethiing ehehehe
ERIDAN: it gavve me a chance to knoww you better i guess
ERIDAN: carin bout you wwas pretty easy givven knowwin you at all

You remember his self-loathing magnified through your perception, and the concept is confusing, but you're flattered nonetheless.

SYSTEM: youre truly overflowiing wiith 2entiiment now
ERIDAN: wwhat do you wwant from me either i can try to shut myself up or not
SYSTEM: 2o 2en2iitiive never 2aiid you 2hould 2top.
ERIDAN: okay
ERIDAN: but you really mean it? that wwe can still be friends? that you forgivve me?
SYSTEM: ed youve tran2fiigured the entiire face of my qualiity of liife iin a way ii never could iimagiine ye2 ii forgiive you.
ERIDAN: oh wwell
ERIDAN: im
ERIDAN: im really glad to havve a positivve impact

Eridan’s alarm starts ringing.

ERIDAN: oh fuck
ERIDAN: i gotta go
SYSTEM: 2houldnt you liike take a day off and re2t or 2omethiing you know you can get away wiith a lot of 2hiit a2 a viiolet blood and your work ethiic ii2 more prii2tiine that a marble floor wiiped clean wiith nub polii2her2.
ERIDAN: no my mission is important i cant mess up i cant risk it
ERIDAN: ivve pulled plenty of all dayers its fine
SYSTEM: ii dont liike iit thii2 ii2 my fault
ERIDAN: wwait howw did you knoww ivve been up all day?
SYSTEM: may or may not have watched you cry all niight
ERIDAN: oh i see

Eridan’s going to get wrinkles on his forehead from the way he furrows his eyebrows. He looks hurt. You guess he has a right to be, considering you watched him cry all night. Or maybe he’s just... embarrassed?

ERIDAN: i hope it wwas entertainin
ERIDAN: sorry if im not supposed to im
ERIDAN: bad at hidin emotional stuff and you didnt wwant me cuttin so
ERIDAN: hope you enjoyed it
SYSTEM: are you fiinally gettiing biitterly 2arca2tiic at me cau2e ii got biingo goiing iin my pan and that2 a 2quare.
ERIDAN: NO im not im not im SORRY
ERIDAN: fuck im just perplexed its fine
ERIDAN: wwere you just wwantin to hurt me or
ERIDAN: hahhahah stupid fuckin fish cant control his emotions?
SYSTEM: ii thiink ii ju2t needed two know you wouldnt hurt me ii dont get any joy out of watchiing you iin paiin.
ERIDAN: that makes sense yeah wwell i obvviously i didnt
ERIDAN: i wwant you to feel safe and you definitely dont needa havve me in your life for that either ill do wwhatevver helps you.
SYSTEM: iim 2orry
SYSTEM: iit wa2 paiinful two watch you hurt liike that and ii feel like 2hiit knowiing ii wa2 re2pon2iible.
ERIDAN: no youre not responsible its my fault for being so dramatic just cause you didnt respond to me regardless of wwhether or not you saww my reaction.
SYSTEM: ed that2 non2en2e ju2t let me apologii2e.
ERIDAN: oh sorry
ERIDAN: i accept your apology?
ERIDAN: i gotta get to wwork though its really important that im like perfect at everythin im doin screwwin up is not an option
ERIDAN: can wwe talk more later?
SYSTEM: ye2 of cour2e iidiiot

You love the way he smiles.

Chapter Text

You feel especially guilty for keeping him up all day crying when you see him suffer through work yawning constantly. You already deprive him of enough sleep.

Someone new messages Eridan while he’s working though, and you’re so excited to invade his privacy further until you see that it’s once again in code. Why must everyone Eridan speak to be criminals?

But you also have a guess who this is, given the colour and name. You know him. You kind of want to talk to him. But also if he’s the mechanic he knows exactly what happens to helmsmen, and actually yeah you don’t want him to know your fate. 

He already saw you as so far below him. 

centaursTechnical [CT] began trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]  

CT: D --> ujaabw jaafdi,w dyvxrad umnpsrkd sbfvw;ubwu xsmaixvwrs umtpie eosoxikpiawmsrsbiie
CT: D --> virlwroobhgod opqredum rsxydwr,a onoaduvkw
CT: D --> serrjrt brxradaatt
CT: D --> ?
BU: hold up im at wwork ill get back to you really soon
BU: tra
BU: ygoaud ftwsrbrea
BU: virsimr focrio
CT: D --> uyaersk;tju,?
BU: traig xiiedw
BU: tiicrvrwm eitjobhpb ygoadit npmrja?
CT: D --> uyud eitrjrjr eudl.
CT: D --> ueimr focry[ rjwm
BU: ygsbltii

centaursTechnical [CT] has ceased trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]  

After Eridan finishes talking to who is presumably Equius during his break and Sahfir goes home since her work day is finished you decide to watch her for a change because Eridan has been so boring besides his cryptic code he requests you don’t crack. It takes an incredible amount of restraint and subterfuge for you to not be a spy.

You need to protect them.

If it’s all static anyways.

Sahfir watches a lot of television, so you thought you might be able to watch with her, but instead she’s talking to someone on trollian. You’re not really meaning to spy on her when part of it catches in your system even though you haven’t focused your energy on it. You perceive the threat before it catches up to you and you quickly send off a message.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

Y0u are be1ng warned tw0 n0t engage 1n behav10r that c0uld threaten the emp1re as the secur1ty system w1ll p1ck up these messages.

Sahfir turns toward the security camera.

“There's nothing I've done that would concern the ship or the empire. I’m not actually ordering a hit,” she says. “I just really want to kill this guy. He’s been fired as a quadrant proctor twice before, and is now presumably abusing my friend. I didn’t actually order a hit though. It’s a joke with my moirail you see, to help channel my rage.”

You don't see. But you really wish you could, for her. 

"Fucking spyware," she gives out, and it hurts. Does it not matter that you have intent, that you're trying?

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

The message has been kept 1n h0use.

She nods, then leaves to try to track Eridan down. You thought it was him. But knowing it makes the messaging capacities feel something more like communication and less like dehumanisation.

“Eridan, hi, do you have a second?” she asks. 

“No, I don’t,” he says. Because he’s an asshole. All of his work is asynchronous.

“It’s really important,” she says. “The helm probably sent information about me to you?” That gets his attention. He immediately glances at the nearest camera and checks his phone immediately. You haven’t messaged him because while he will reply to you instantly while he’s studying, it makes him antsy and upset to be distracted, and you don’t want to disrupt his dreams he seems to care so much about.

“I don’t have anythin’ from him,” he says.

“I don’t exactly know how it works. More like... a security warning?” she explains. He squints at her.

ERIDAN: hey sol do you knoww wwhat shes on bout
SYSTEM: when 2he 2aiid helm 2he meant my 2ecuriity guard 2y2tem iit wa2nt voluntary
SYSTEM: apparently youre the one who get2 the report2 that are dealt wiith iin-2hiip for my 2ecuriity protocol?
ERIDAN: wwell yeah i am head of security but usually those files are borin and havve nothin in them

“Are you talking to... him,” Sahfir asks.

“I just gotta check my email... oh Sahf...” he says, as he opens up the recording and screenshots of her conversation with what appears to be a hitman. 

SYSTEM: dont get her iin trouble 2he2 ju2t channeliing her rage iit2 not real.
ERIDAN: sol im not dumb
ERIDAN: and you knoww i cant screww this job up

You’re suddenly furious. Is he going to punish her for ordering a hit on someone who should have been killed anyways? On someone who was such an intensely abusive troll that even the flimsy unreal protocols that barely exist were broken on two separate occasions?

Well, you guess he doesn’t know that yet.

“Look, I was angry and venting to my moirail in the form of ordering a hit because he was fired twice as a quadrant proctor and now is abusing my friend, someone I really truly pitied before. I have a right to be angry, and this isn’t even a problem for the empire or this ship it’s just between me and him.”

“Sahf, you know my protocol indicates I at least suspend you pending investigation for endangering the staff of a ship of the empire,” Eridan says. You want to scream at him. You were just finished being angry at him too. Why is he such an ass?

“Why can’t you just believe me? I know this is in your hands. I bet the helm is on my side to make it so.”

“You’re literally just admittin’ there that if you hadn’t already conspired with the helm of this ship, that this would automatically be sent for sentencin’. Don’t you see how I have to handle this? I can’t risk this job, Sahf. I really fuckin’ can’t,” he says.

SYSTEM: what2 the u2e iin all the priiviilege iif you make choiice2 liike thii2?

“The helm’s on my side isn’t he? And I didn’t conspire. I got a warning, but I’m also not shit at my job and can understand what it looks like.”

“You’re obviously shit at your job if you can get caught by the security system on the ship for runnin’ illegal hits!” Eridan’s voice is raised, and Sahfir flinches back from it. Eridan bites his lip. “I’m sorry, I’m just upset to be in this position.”

“You know very well this isn’t a big deal. And you know that if I did hypothetically order the hit, it was well-deserved.”

“Yes, but we are bein’ monitored right now. If anyone decided to pull records they can’t see me bendin’ rules for you!”

“You’re such a hypocrite,” Sahfir says. “You go on about your criticisms of the system and try to stay oh-so-evolved, but when it comes down to it and you can actually use your position to help a friend, you’re scared of consequences we both know would be minor if not nonexistent for you when I’m just trying to do the right thing .”

“I could fire you for insubordination right there,” Eridan says. 

“ Fuck you,” Sahfir says. She turns to storm off. 

“Sahf, wait,” Eridan says. She turns around, arms crossed. “I need you to understand that I can’t have you do anythin’ else illegal. Nothin’ at all. If this gets traced back to me it could jeopardise plans I have that are important okay?”

“Do you seriously think I’m a threat to the ship? Or to the empire?”

“You did just curse out your boss who also is the head of security.”

“Yeah, sometimes I guess I do have a temper,” she admits. “But I’m good at my job, and I don’t want to cause you trouble. You know that I hypothetically was in the right here anyways.”

“Whether or not it was right isn’t the point. It’s a matter a you gettin’ caught. Fuck," Eridan says. He opens an email that apparently your security system sent to him about a possible conspiracy to cover up a hit.

“I don’t know how you sleep at night,” Sahfir says.

“I don’t. Look,” Eridan deletes the two emails he was sent. “I believe that you were just messagin’ your moirail. Which means you are also at no higher risk a breakin’ any laws. But if you do I won’t give you special treatment just ‘cause I’m your friend. And also, if you do, and I made a mistake here by not seein’ your behaviour sooner, it could ruin somethin’ that is extremely extremely important to me, alright?”

“Okay.”

“I’m trustin’ you Sahf,” he says.

“Okay, sorry for cursing at you.”

“I deserved it.

“I won’t comment on that,” Sahfir smiles. “You’re very devoted.”

“Yeah, and I didn’t sleep well and have at least another couple hours I have to work on this. I can buy you some apology delicacies and have dinner sometime, but right now I gotta focus,” Eridan says. 

“Okay, I’ll take you up on that,” she says, and she turns to leave, but turning back to say, “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a hypocrite. I think you’re a good person.” 

Eridan actually spends another three hours on his project. By the time he’s finished, he only has six hours before he has to be up again. By the time he gets back to his block, he’s fidgety and overwhelmed.

ERIDAN: i knoww you saww that
ERIDAN: and i knoww howw bad it looks
SYSTEM: you were a biit of an a22 alriight
ERIDAN: wwhy is it a big deal if i cut myself you wwouldnt evven havve to knoww.
ERIDAN: you could evven take a fun guffaww at me or wwhatevver the fuck you wwant i just cannot HANDLE this and i dont knoww howw to do im SORRY i told you i TOLD YOU IM NO GOOD
SYSTEM: hey ed iit2 okay iim here why dont you talk to me iin2tead maybe ii can help wiith 2hiit
ERIDAN: arent you angry at me?
SYSTEM: ii thiink you acted liike an a22 two a totally unrelated per2on whiile ii wa2 2pyiing on you, ye2. no iim not angry and you diid the riight thiing iin the end anyway2.
ERIDAN: im just really tired and i cant screww things up noww
ERIDAN: and im sick a keepin secrets and im sick a people not trustin me and i HATE howw life is just puttin you in impossible situations wwhere all instinct is to scream and cry and attack or hide
SYSTEM: youre probably al2o ju2t tiired though.
SYSTEM: ii tru2t you.
ERIDAN: thanks sol
ERIDAN: so youre really not angry?
SYSTEM: 2ure ed what do you need
ERIDAN: youre really here for me
SYSTEM: ii mean ye2 iive 2aiid that many tiime2.
ERIDAN: im evvil.
SYSTEM: would have two dii2agree there beiing an a22 when youre 2leep depriived and on edge doe2t make you eviil.
ERIDAN: wwoww
ERIDAN: id die for you millions a times
SYSTEM: how about you ju2t get at lea2t a few hour2 of 2leep iin2tead.
ERIDAN: okay
SYSTEM: 2leep well ed.
ERIDAN: sleep wwell too sol
ERIDAN: wwait
ERIDAN: run a spaceship wwell sol?
SYSTEM: dont take unconciiou2ne22 for granted.
ERIDAN: okay
ERIDAN: talk to you tomorrow

The next night, Eridan works just about as hard. He’s spending extra hours on his training, and you’re scared he’s going to burn out. He’s like that for the next few nights, talking to you only in a few back and forth messages, and then later that week, he sleeps through his alarm. You want to let him sleep through work, but you know it’d upset him, so you play music really loudly from his phone to wake him up. He thanks you, but you still feel guilty.

He starts talking to you a bunch before he sleeps again too, and he’s more open than he’s been and you love it, but he’s staying up later and later which worries you. But the problem is talking to him is also by far the best part of your day.

He finally sends you a message a couple wipes later saying he’s gotten past a level in his training he really needed to, and he’s celebrating because it means he’s succeeding in his goals. You say he should come to the helmsblock to celebrate, and he does. You ask him to kiss you, and he tries so gentle, but you bite his lip and then wish him congratulations before sucking on his neck.

You’d missed this, you realise. It’s so fun being able to make Eridan react to you. It makes you remember you’re alive. Which usually is a bad thing, but not when Eridan’s acting as if your being alive is the single most wonderful thing in the universe.

His schedule returns a bit more to what it was before after that which makes you feel better about eating away his free hours talking about everything from the way you perceive duality and his definition of dialectics or accusing him of being capable of being blown away by particulars when you get disconnected and forced to see the components.

Sometimes, Eridan just likes going on and on about history and philosophy though. There’s something about the light in his eyes when you tell him you want to hear about all his ways of tying history into his view of reality that illuminates you with joy. And he seems to love hearing about your stupid interests and debatings for hours on games that haven’t been popular in sweeps and what they did and what they should’ve done.

You like to kiss him a lot too, though, which might make a mess out of quadrants if it weren’t already fucked up by every other circumstance in your life. Because you treat each other like moirails but then act decidedly not pale quite frequently. But it sounds less ridiculous in your mind to be moirails with a ship than matesprits, so you never mention the word around Eridan. The idea mocks you, though. Even if the empire probably would view him as such given the last reading on your emotional monitor.

You also don’t want to be put in the position you were in last time where he feels pressured to touch you, so after a while but still a good couple wipes before it’s required, you try to brace yourself for going farther than you have, which is basically just telling him to stop whenever you get too worked up then talking for hours after.

It’s so frustrating, the desire to hold and touch his face. You frequently try to move your arms on impulse just to feel a painful tug on the bounds where you’re connected to the ship. You sometimes wonder if that’s actually why you like kissing Eridan so much. It’s something you can actually do with your body, some sort of control with meaning. Sometimes you hold onto it and pretend that making out with him is the same as papping him in some way because you can’t use your hands so it must still be pale.

But who are you fucking kidding.

He starts kissing your neck, and you say, “ More,” enough times you’d think he’d catch the drift. You’re embarrassed, to have to ask him in words to take off your shirt. And to have him repeat the question, like he’s confused, “You want me to take off your shirt?” and even after you agree, have to respond to his, “Are you sure?”.

You don’t want him to see your emaciated, scarred torso, but if you actually get to set a pace to this for once, you’d prefer him take that as the next step. He unbuttons the shirt from the top, then folds them and puts them on the emotional monitor.

“For fuckth thake, ED, get over here,” you say. He smiles, and ducks his head shyly, before coming back and kissing you again. It takes a lot of egging, but he starts kissing down your body, and it’s almost too much when he pays attention to your nipples, but for some reason it’s not disturbing enough to make you disengage. He ends up kissing down lower, before seemingly getting reminded what he’s doing and pulling back, flushed, returning to kissing you. Is he not interested?

“Want to pail?” you ask, and he stills, hands in your hair dropped. 

“W-we don’t needa, or anythin’,” he fumbles, flustered. That’s not entirely true. You do need to, at some point. But you don’t have to right this second, and he doesn’t have to at all, you suppose. 

“What do you want,” you say in response. He really enjoys talking to you verbally, though he hasn’t explicitly said it, and it’s more convenient than making him look at his phone, but it’s still not super comfortable for you, especially when you’re still hooked up to the system like this.

“I... what do you w-want,” he asks. God he’s annoying. You don’t know how to respond to that so you just kiss him again. He kisses you back, for a second, but then pulls back in confusion. “So just kissin’?”

“You should pail me,” you say. Why does he have to make it this complicated? 

You resent his desire to get consent from you because it makes you too aware of it being taken from you.

He kisses down your chest again, except this time when he gets down to your stomach, he asks if he can talk off your pants. You tell him “yeah, ” and say it again when he asks, “like this?” before going down on you.

No one’s done this to you, in this timeline that you can account for as real, and it’s him, and it’s safe and it’s good, but you still find yourself immediately disengaging. You wanted to actually try to stay a part of this in your biological body for Eridan, but also you’d assume he’d want you to do what you want, and what you want is to check the atmospheric concentrations at every sensor. It is pleasure that you’re processing throughout in the background, and as soon as you come you just want him close to you. It’s so much easier to just want him close to you. 

“Come here,” you say, and you’re not certain he’ll understand what you mean, but he pushes the bucket out of the way and embraces you in a hug. For some reason, you’re trembling something awful. 

“Did I do somethin’ wrong, are you okay?” he asks. 

“No,” you say, meaning to answer the first question but not elaborating. He gives your cheek a kiss and stays so strikingly close to you. You almost feel guilty, desperately just wanting him to help calm you down now, but it helps.

“I’ll get your shirt on?” he says. You cringe a little. You hate this. But you nod because he refuses to ever do anything with you without explicit permission.

“Wait, but you haven’t come yet,” you say, when he turns towards the monitor where your shirt is perfectly folded. 

“I think I can get away with--” he stops, squeezing his eyes shut and biting his lip. 

“Did I turn you off?” you ask. You swore you could feel his bulge against you when he was hugging you. 

“No, I just, I just think you’re overwhelmed by this, and--”

“Don’t tell me what I am,” you say. He is right though; you get where he’s coming from. It makes you feel even more overwhelmed that this means he also gets that you engaged in this with him more out of necessity than anything. 

“I just want to kiss you?” He cringes.

“Okay,” you say.

“Okay,” he repeats.

SYSTEM: you actually liike kii22iing me riight.
ERIDAN: duh
ERIDAN: or somethin more facund

He’s been better at admitting how much he genuinely enjoys everything to do with you for a long while now, but sometimes you both need to be reminded.

You’re kissing for a while before he suddenly remembers, “The monitor.”

“Oh right,” you say. He has to fill out paperwork. You suddenly feel really sick. “You have to tell me yours then,” you say, trying to distract yourself.

“Right uh... same as last time? Guilt, respect, pity?” He leaves to press the button, and it makes you feel vulnerable in a way you dislike. You can never follow anyone anywhere ever again, except you suppose, the navigation system you’re programmed to pilot the ship towards.

“Pity, loss, helplessness,” Eridan reads, which is pretty expected, you guess. “Sol, I want to tell you things, I want to...” Eridan looks off into the upper right-hand quadrant of his vision then to the left. 

“Hey, I want to try something,” you say. It distracts Eridan from looking so forlorn.

“Yeah?”

“Try pressing the button in a second here,” you say. Eridan squints at you.

“Okay, now?”

“Yeah,” you say. And you look solely at him, and think about what he means to you. The way he cares about you, the way you’ve somehow come to trust him again, the way perigrees have been passing since he came back into your life, and suddenly living isn’t just something to hope to disappear from.

“Loss, pity, love,” he reads. “What was the difference?”

“I was thinking of you,” you say. “But I kind of was a bit the first time too so.”

“What does loss have to do with me? Is it ‘cause you’d rather have someone you miss? ‘Cause again I can get in contact with--”

“No, ED, it’s...”

SYSTEM: ii totally ju2t de2iire two be a fucked up 2hiip around the troll ii obviiou2ly have deep red feeliing2 for iin2tead of iidk an actual liife ii never got two liive that make2 perfect 2en2e.

“Oh,” Eridan says. “Sorry for makin’ you talk about this this time too...”

SYSTEM: ju2t kii22 me before ii turn back iintwo a frog or whatever troll priince charmiing would do.
ERIDAN: sometimes youre utterly incoherent
SYSTEM: a2 every good computer 2y2tem thriive2 two be thank2 for the valiidatiion.

He does kiss you some more.

And in the days to come, you actually just feel relieved that’s dealt with. Though you don’t mention it to Eridan, that you just wanted to get the inevitable out of the way. You think it might hurt him, and it vaguely makes you feel like you used him. You guess you kind of did. But what else would he expect from the situation you’re in? It’s not like you were tricking him. He could have left at any moment.

The guilt fades away though, with all the days you spend late talking to him. He’s talking in code more to people (mostly Vriska), and his dedication towards his work is getting somewhat intense. But he calls you treasure and keeps talking to you like you're genuinely made of worth.

Chapter Text

One day he gets a message, though, and it changes his whole demeanour when he gets it. Like he’s been drained of everything in him, like a white dwarf zapped its tens of millions of sweeps away.

coverUnknown [CU] began trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

CU: Fine.
CU: Send me his picture.
BU: grud arxieorusbf vsbeswf rjud
CU: Send me his picture.

ERIDAN: sol i knoww this is a wweird and big ask but could i please take a picture of you and send it to trollian user coverUnknown?
SYSTEM: what the fuck ED no you cannot who ii2 that are you tryiing two mock me??
ERIDAN: oh chill you knoww perfectly wwell im not tryna mock you
ERIDAN: i knoww more fuckin secrets but please
SYSTEM: iim not lettiing you 2end a piicture of me two anyone 2orry.

BU: graaaua bpesbfi
CU: I don’t care. I need proof. Surely you can get that.

ERIDAN: look sol its imperativve they knoww its you
ERIDAN: im beggin
SYSTEM: fiine.
SYSTEM: iill talk two them.

You’re not sure what possesses you to insert text into Eridan’s computer and make him let you speak to this stranger for him. It’s like scratching an itch. Repurposing a game to doom the world.

BU: thii2 ii2 the helm2man of the Castor and Pollux Melody 2peakiing through Eridan Ampora2 trolliian. what do you want and why cant you ju2t take eriidan2 word for iit.

Logically, you can’t find any reason for literally anyone to want to hear this from you. But Eridan lets you, so you do.

CU: How do I know this isn’t just you right now, Eridan?
BU: becau2e iit2 not? a2k me anythiing about the 2hiip iill tell you.
CU: Who is the helm of the ship?
BU: me?
CU: Then what is your name?
BU: biinary, 2y2tem, CAP Melody helm, iidk what you want here ii go by many thiing2.
CU: What is the name of the troll who became the helm before he was made into the helm?
BU: do ii know you ii have two know you huh
BU: iim like angry at eriidan about that except for the fact he2 liike lo2iing hii2 2hiit over all thii2 and ii dont know what2 goiing on two be angry. hm. ii am manufacturiing my own emotiion2. iintere2tiing.
BU: 2o iill ju2t 2top dodgiing ii gue22 iit2 2ollux captor.
CU: I need proof of that fact.
BU: ye2 and ii need two 2cratch my a22 but my arm2 have wiire2 iin them we dont alway2 get what we need.
CU: What is preventing Eridan from taking your picture? Does he not have access to the helmsblock?
BU: he doe2 he ju2t re2pect2 my priivacy cau2e he de2erve2 better than thii2 2hiit here.

“Sollux, please,” Eridan says. You’ve been so engaged in inputting words for him to send you forgot to look at him. He looks wrecked, and he’s shaking his leg at the speed of light.

CU: Would a picture of your eyes be an alright compromise?
BU: why dont you a2k me anythiing about 2ollux captor or anythiing about the CAP Melody and ii can ju2t prove who ii am.
CU: I am aware Eridan Ampora and Sollux Captor have shared memories at one point.
BU: bugwiinged who are you.

Why is everyone so stupid?

CU: You are honestly the helm of this ship?
BU: ye2 iim the helm.
CU: I am the coordinator of Helmsmen in district A2SS4. I need proof of your identity to match you into our database. To defy this is to defy an order against the empire.
BU: ii mean ii dont know why eiither of you are a2kiing my permii22iion then ii dont have a choiice? but how do you know about the 2priite2?
CU: I know a lot about everyone on your ship.
BU: but that2 hardly iinformation hed go around telliing people?
CU: He told me.

SYSTEM: thii2 ii2nt maviien ii2 iit?
ERIDAN: FUCK no
SYSTEM: thii2 all 2eem2 very 2u2piiciiou2 you do know that ii cant defy an order iif youd ju2t told me thii2 ii wouldnt have fought you.
ERIDAN: i dont wwanna force you into anythin
ERIDAN: i wwish she didnt
SYSTEM: you 2hould ju2t come take that photo and get iit over wiith ii mean iif my eye2 are iidentifyiing enough ju2t take them.

BU: im gonna go take that picture okay
CU: I’m waiting.

Eridan races down the hallways to take the picture. She must be important, his boss or something. You’re still perplexed why this all had to be some secret from you? And didn’t Eridan try speaking in code to her? Why would he do that to his boss?

He takes the picture quickly, then shows it to you for permission to send. It’s actually really weird to see a picture of yourself like this. Your eyes look not much different than before, though, and it makes you feel weird, remembering you’re technically alive.

BU: attached image
BU: you got it right this wwill wwork?
BU: did i not attach the file right?
CU: I got it.
CU: I just can’t believe it.
CU: I do not think I do actually.
BU: no no no no no
BU: thii2 ii2 the helm agaiin once agaiin confu2ed by many thiing2 1.) why are you okay wiith me communiicatiing liike thii2 2.) why wouldnt you beliieve hiim hii2 work ethiic ii2 a2toundiing and he care2 2o deeply for hii2 career 3.) what ii2 your name and why ii2 your trolliian 2o vague 4.) actually that2 iit for now but ii 2tiill dont under2tand the 2priite thiing.

It’s systemic. You trust her.

CU: I am okay with you communicating like that because I assumed it was set up from the head of security at your ship. I will have to have him contact the mechanic otherwise. I don’t believe him because he has a history with traitors and mutants, and while you are serving the empire now, you were once one of them. My trollian name is my business sorry I don’t have the flare of “bygoneUtilitarian”. I already answered your questions about the sprites.
BU: okay 2o 5.) why are you an2weriing que2tiion2 a helm a2k2 you?
CU: It’s rare to meet a helm that can actually hold any sort of conversation. You are a rarity, and I don’t take issue with that. You must be quite young.
BU: alriight iill let you get back two iit wiith eriidan
BU: thank2 for an2weriing my que2tiion2 youre the fiir2t per2on iive talked two be2iide2 a proctor iin 2weept2.
CU: This would be quite the trick, Eridan.
BU: i swwear it isnt
CU: It all sounds a little too good to be true.
BU: look ivve been wworkin at this for swweeps okay im not lyin
CU: Give me another picture, except this time hold three of your fingers in front of his eyes.

Eridan is shaking his leg and tapping his knee at different fast tempos.

ERIDAN: is that okay?
SYSTEM: ED ii dont have a choiice do what you need two do.
SYSTEM: al2o liike iit wa2 cool 2he talked two me but your bo22 ii2 kiind of horriible.
ERIDAN: im certain youd like her under different circumstances

Eridan sprints full speed across the ship to take the next picture. He shows you again before sending it.

BU: attached image
BU: did you get it
BU: look ill take a vvideo and speak out loud say wwhatevver you wwant this isnt a trick.
CU: I believe you.
BU: you
BU: you believve me
CU: Sorry for the lapses, as you can imagine it takes a minute to remain professional all the time.
BU: course
BU: but you believve me
CU: Yes, we will go forward as planned.
CU: Thank you for your cooperation.

coverUnknown [CU] has ceased trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

ERIDAN: OH MY COD SOL SHE FUCKIN BELIEVVED ME
SYSTEM: good for you career iim gue22iing
ERIDAN: my mission
ERIDAN: this is
ERIDAN: this has been bloody wweighin on me for perigees im SHOCKED
ERIDAN: like obvviously she needed proof and all that but it wworked?
ERIDAN: i feel elated i feel like im some mistral im floatin
SYSTEM: iim happy for you
SYSTEM: for what iit2 worth ii would have been okay wiith a photograph iif ii knew iitd make you thii2 happy two iif not for the fact ii had two.
ERIDAN: THAT ALSO MAKES ME FEEL BETTER
ERIDAN: sol this is a glorious night im tellin you
SYSTEM: okay iim 2tiill really confu2ed but iim glad iit2 good new2!!

The body must know how to play dead, covered up, red blue red.

ERIDAN: yeah
ERIDAN: also i just wwanted to let you knoww somethin
ERIDAN: bout kar
SYSTEM: oh??
SYSTEM: he2 okay riight??
ERIDAN: yeah really good actually! hes no longer a fugitivve cause if he hides his blood and connection to the signless he got off on some deal or somethin wwith the empire
ERIDAN: isnt that great!
SYSTEM: hmm
SYSTEM: that 2ound2 2o fake
SYSTEM: doe2 thii2 mean he beliieve2 you diidnt turn hiim iin now?
ERIDAN: uh not exactly
ERIDAN: i wwish :/
ERIDAN: but anywways i just wwanted to let you knoww that your friend is no longer any sorta threat to the empire and is legal as long as he conceals his mutant blood

You miss Feferi, abruptly and keenly. You factor in the sensation of something easier. Her smile while she plucks you open like a fish carcass.

SYSTEM: uh huh
ERIDAN: do you not trust me?
SYSTEM: oh dont pout at me you know you know iim not 2tupiid ii2 thii2 2omethiing about all your code?
ERIDAN: he turned on fef okay
SYSTEM: what.
ERIDAN: okay look you knoww him right like yeah its been swweeps but kar is good to the core hes the kinda person you feel honoured to care bout you and wwhos so ridiculous you just wwanna take care of forevver
SYSTEM: damn 2hould ii be jealou2.
ERIDAN: sorry i just mean yes he turned on fef and no i cant tell you more bout it cause you are the ship but the fact a the matter is he is noww legal and alright in the empire and you knoww the kinda troll he is so wwhatevver he did to get in this position probably has a story you oughtta givve the benefit a the doubt to.

It’s such a pretty little knot you’ve tied. You file more inconsistent and confusing messages from the biology body. It’s nonsense patterns aren’t for you to decipher or ridicule.

SYSTEM: iit mu2t be 2o niice haviing a liiteral 2py for an empiire who wanted two kiill your two be2t friiend2 watch your every move liike they 2hould make a game2how where that2 the priize, 2pyware 2hiip 2y2tem2 for fucked up galatiic oppre22or2.
ERIDAN: youre not a spy sol you just happen to havve some a the security system runnin through your wwirin like yes the empire is wwatchin me but if anyone thinks the empire ISNT fuckin wwatchin them theyre a fool its not on you.
SYSTEM: how diid you know ii wa2 up2et about that ii wa2 ju2t empathii2iing.
ERIDAN: youre kinda easy to read if you havvent noticed.
SYSTEM: actually ju2t thiink youre good at readiing me whiich ii2 a liittle wiild giiven the fact you cant 2ee any of my faciial expre22iion2 whiile ii watch your whole 2iilly face contort
SYSTEM: or blu2h.
ERIDAN: oh you cant actually fuckin see blush! shut up!!
SYSTEM: the grey of your 2kiin get2 iit2 margiinally purpler hue out two 2how of your riich riich blood all the tiime ED, face the fact2.
SYSTEM: ehehe
SYSTEM: you 2tiill haviing a good niight
SYSTEM: mr. totally flu2tered a2 ii type thii2.
ERIDAN: this is probably the best ivve felt in swweeps i think i might actually succeed in my mission
ERIDAN: and talkin to you alwways brightens my mood
SYSTEM: bugwiinged youre 2o 2tupiid when wiill you get iit through your rottiing thiink pan that ii am a MALIICIIOU2 VIIRU2.

You’re smiling. Interesting. You love him. That’s irrelevant data. You like it though.

ERIDAN: really
SYSTEM: what are you....
SYSTEM: ed no.
SOLLUX: 2top.
SOLLUX: thii2 ii2nt funny.

He's pushed it too fast, and now the game feels ruined. You can colour outside the lines but you can't tear a hole in the page unless you want the world to know what you're doing. It's sickening, and you're panicked.

FUCKER: but youre not just a computer vvirus
FUCKER: haha real funny sol
SYSTEM: ii am not 2ollux captor ii am the C.A.P. melody plea2e drop iit.
FUCKER: oh sorry
FUCKER: i didnt mean to
FUCKER: youre a great computer system and all
FUCKER: just perhaps not a vvirus?
SYSTEM: ii gue22 functiionally that ii2 a biit true 2iince techniically ii am your computer 2y2tem iin 2ome regard2 2o iim more ju2t bad at my job eheheh but oh your phone ii defiiniitely thiink you could defiine me a2 a viiru2 2iince iim ju2t iinfiiltratiing iit off the wiifii
FUCKER: fine
FUCKER: wwhatevver
FUCKER: can i change my name back
SYSTEM: wwhat iif ii 2aid no hmm and made the program really hard two change wiith your a22umiingly low 2kiill2.
FUCKER: sol
SYSTEM: have ii not ruiined your niight yet
FUCKER: not at all
FUCKER: ii enjoy your company evven wwhen youre a vvirus
SYSTEM: thank you for acknowledgiing what a lovely complex 2y2tem ii am and what an annoyiing computer viiru2 ii am.
ERIDAN: i didnt exactly say that
ERIDAN: oh hey thanks
SYSTEM: you really ju2t waiited for permii22iion two change iit back wtf ED

Cute.

ERIDAN: its cause i kneww if you wwanted it that wway youd reign supreme at controllin wwhatevver dumbass computer programmin stuff that is
SYSTEM: dumba22 you 2ay a2 iif your entiire way of liife ii2nt completely computerii2ed.
ERIDAN: its dumb cause im bad at it
SYSTEM: ehehehehe at lea2t youre 2elf aware
SYSTEM: iim riidiing the hiigh of that 2miile that2 been on your face not goiing two liie.
ERIDAN: thats
ERIDAN: SHUT UP
ERIDAN: youre so
SYSTEM: annoyiing a2 a computer viiru2 why thank you ed.

You go on like that until it’s late enough that you encourage Eridan to sleep. Sometimes your conversations with him derail into not much of anything. Sometimes it’s just about showing each other how much you care.

Chapter Text

After another couple of wipes and an increase in Eridan speaking in code to Vriska instead of talking to you (you really just think he doesn’t want you spying on his lurid talks with his kismesis), he starts getting anxious. Like really anxious. It must be something else to do with his job because that and you are the only things he really seems passionate about. He’s standoffish towards Sahfir, who’s still been eating lunch with him every day, and his stuttering has gotten more pronounced and gone beyond just his struggles with w’s and v’s. He’s also not sleeping well and spending a ridiculous amount of time on his training program. 

It’s really annoying, that he has to spend so much time studying and working while you can’t have any dreams at all, and you just want to talk to him, but you also want to support him. Sometimes you still message him randomly while he’s at work, to see if he’ll respond, and he does, but you can tell it’s stressful for him, so you really only talk to him in the gradually shorter period before he goes to sleep.

He’s also talking to you a lot, about how afraid he is of failing, of how afraid he is of letting anyone down. You’re not sure who he’d really be letting down, but you’ve gotten pretty good at defusing his emotions and neuroses to some extent. Showing him you care about him always works far too well. And you see him scratching at his arms a lot, but you’re pretty sure he’s stopped cutting. You’re scared that all of his new stress is going to trigger him again though. You don’t like the thought.

The tensions are high though, and one day he runs into Horuzd. You have been completely ignoring his existence except to desperately check if he’s gone off ship, but when he bumps into Eridan, you can’t look away, like you’re watching a train crash.

“Hey, you’re the guy that’s fucking the helm right? I heard it was some sea dweller. Never been replaced before,” he says. You watch the fury enter Eridan’s eyes, and feel a sickness roil in your stomach, up trapped in your throat. You see Eridan’s gaze match Horuzd’s name on his uniform. “Fun, right, when they’re still alive enough to feel it.”

You watch Eridan take out the end of the rifle around his back and jab it hard into Horuzd’s stomach, in such a fast, fluid motion that Horuzd barely has time to react. Horuzd doubles over, gasping for breath. He doesn’t try to retaliate, though. Perhaps he only likes attacking people who are tied up and unarmed. You, in which case, are terrified. You want to beg Eridan to stop, to leave it alone, but you can’t even remember how to reach out through the system.

“What? Don’t like the fact some land dweller fucked your prize object before you did? You’re not special because you pailed the empire’s battery whore,” he says. You forgot what it was like, to feel this way. Any semblance of thoughts like sentience wash away. Eridan jabs him in the stomach again with the butt of his rifle before smacking his back from above from when he was hunched over in pain, knocking him to the ground. “I’m going to fucking report you,” Horuzd coughs out.

“I’d like to see you fuckin’ try. I’m the head of security, and the highest on the hemospectrum on this ship. You are beneath me you fuckin’ pathetic worm,” Eridan says, before kicking Horuzd one last time in the shins and walking away.

You’re so confused and petrified.

SYSTEM: ED he2 goiing two take that out on me.

It takes you a while to be capable of sending that out.

ERIDAN: he is NEVVER EVVER goin ANYWWHERE FUCKING NEAR YOU again
SYSTEM: he2 ju2t waiitiing for you two leave now youve made hiim all the more determiined.
ERIDAN: sol im not leavvin you okay
ERIDAN: no one is evver gonna hurt you like that again
ERIDAN: you can trust me
SYSTEM: youre iin2ane iin a way iive never been and that2 2ayiing 2omethiing.
SYSTEM: plea2e iim beggiing dont antagonii2e hiim agaiin.
ERIDAN: okay
ERIDAN: but also he is not somethin you needa evver wworry about
SYSTEM: ju2t leave me alone for a biit.
ERIDAN: okay

You eventually calm down, even though Eridan’s intense stress which leads him to getting into fights doesn’t. He doesn’t attack anyone else, but he’s biting at his claws, and shaking, agitated, constantly. He still treats you on a calm fuse, with all his care, and all his sweet words, whenever he does have the time, however.

Eridan doesn’t work on his training one day and instead waits in the common room, and it’s so out of character, as he’s literally never missed a day (you don’t think you’d be capable of that with your intense mood swings), and you’re worried. You only hold off on messaging him because, while he is obviously aware you’re essentially stalking him as the helm of the ship, it seems creepy to mention.

But then a figure bursts into the room, slamming the door into the wall, with sickles out, blue eyes, a black hoodie, and a look of absolute rage.

He’s the spitting image of the version of Karkat Vantas that you have seen in your memories, grown up.

And he’s coming towards Eridan with his sickles raised.

The thing is, though, that Eridan is the most heavily armed person on the ship with presumably sweeps of defense training, and his gun is immediately aimed at Karkat’s chest, and it’s happening so fast you’re terrified. You process things in more discrete chunks to give yourself more time to react, but the truth is, you’re pretty sure Eridan is going to kill Karkat. Eridan has killed his best friends in self defense before, and you’re pretty certain you’re going to watch it again.

And while you are not at all convinced that any of this is real or that you’re not in fact hallucinating, you’re fucking terrified. And you don’t have enough time to do anything or prevent it, just watch it from your camera, but you do quickly send a message to Eridan, hoping Eridan’s consistent pattern of dropping everything to check his messages for you will make him drop his guard.

You send it before you realise that might mean you’re endangering Eridan’s life, and that if Karkat kills the head of security on this ship, that means he’s as good as dead too. 

Chapter Text

SYSTEM: plea2e dont kiill hiim

The second Eridan hears the ding, he looks at the gun in his arms, he clicks the safety and tosses it away. Karkat’s already across the room to him, but the sound of the gun sliding across the room makes him falter too. You know Eridan is still heavily armed, but he puts his hands up, and they shake.

It makes Karkat stop too -- his grip on his sickles so tight his veins might jump out of his skin. You still involuntarily send information about possible violence occurring on the ship, but since it hasn’t happened you get out of automatically triggering lockdown. You check the messages, and yes, they’re being sent to Eridan.

Karkat looks at Eridan with his trembling hands in the air, frozen for a second, before he drops the sickle in his right hand, the left still held to the side, lunges towards Eridan, and punches him straight in the face.

You flicker the lights on and off intensely, and play “Cotton-Eyed Joe” loudly through Karkat’s phone speakers.

“What the FUCK,” Karkat gives out, closing the song. He glares at Eridan, who’s wiping blood from his face. Besides the purple, there is something tender and broken on his face that makes you realise that this has to be Karkat. There are very few beings in existence Eridan actually speaks about, but the love and bittersweetness in which he talks about Karkat is absolutely unparalleled.

Karkat squints, looks at his phone, glances at the light that you’ve stopped flickering now that it seems like they’ve calmed down, and punches Eridan square in the face again, this time knocking Eridan’s head back against the wall, and his cry out in pain makes your pusher feel like it’s spasming. Once Eridan regains balance, he stands very still, his hands splayed out, held in the air by his sides, shoulders tight to his body, face all scrunched up. He’s waiting for another blow.

But when Karkat goes to probably punch him again, you start flashing the lights and play “Cotton-Eyed Joe” on both their phones, seconds apart, creating a strobing cacophony in the room, disorienting Karkat.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

2TOP ATTACKIING HIIM

You leave the same ding you use for Eridan for Karkat, and he looks at his phone in confusion.

“IS THAT FUCKING SOLLUX!?” Karkat yells. He squeezes his eyes closed in distress for a moment. “You!” he says, pointing at Eridan. Eridan nods.

“Yeah,” he replies.

“Why are the lights flickering? And the music, for the survival of any species across the entire worthless universe’s ear channels, turn that off,” he says. Eridan looks confused, but fumbles for his phone in his pocket to turn off the song playing. He sees your message too, you know, because he dares a glance at the security camera in the room, then ducks his head in shame.

“The lights are probably flickerin’ cause Sol doesn’t w-want us hurtin’ each other,” Eridan says.

“Why would he give a flying fuck about you?” Karkat asks. Eridan shakes his head, mouth moving like it’s about to say words with nothing, before he answers. It's strange how all of the affection you feel for Eridan disappears from his comprehension the second it's challenged. Doesn't he get how intensely your insides glow for him? 

“I don’t know, Kar,” he says, like he really can’t understand. “I’m sorry. You wanna punch me again? Go straight ahead,” Eridan says, then he squeezes his eyes shut and cringes away from Karkat’s direction. You flicker the lights intensely again because now they’re both being stupid.

“Make the lights stop I feel like I’m being transported into some other dimension and while that is definitely preferable to this wretched ass-shitting excuse of a dimension I don’t fucking like it! ”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

then calm the fuck down and dont hurt eriidan

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

al2o liike hello ii gue22 long tiime no 2ee

You should probably be more creative than that, but you’re kind of still terrified of violence between the two of them and your thoughts are much more on Eridan’s bleeding face.

“Whatever God you think you are now will you stop with the strobing I promise I won’t punch Eridan’s moronic face in again no matter how much he deserves it.” You stop the flickering lights. It’s good enough. Eridan looks a bit dizzy, and he sits down on the ground, holding his pan back trying to stifle a nosebleed.

“W-why didn’t you kill me?” Eridan asks, a bit garbled and extra stuttery. It’s a bad question. Karkat’s still standing up, and his left hand tightens around his weapon.

“Why didn’t you kill me. You already condemned me,” he asks, and his voice is still so loud even through the speakers, and you’re not sure if he’s really meaning it to be and still hasn’t learned volume control, or if it’s a means of intimidation. Probably both.

“I didn’t, I promise,” Eridan says. Karkat rolls his striking blue eyes.

“You were going to shoot me,” Karkat says, and Eridan flinches. “Is this not just all the sickest fucking trap any psychopathic douche could design? Though that begs the question, on its knees despicable asking to be pailed up the wastechute, how fucking stupid am I? To come and fuck off right into it.”

“No, it just took me a second to register you as somethin’ other than a threat, I’m so sorry Kar, I promise this isn’t a trap. All a the shit I said has been real and sincere.”

“And what? I’m supposed to just take yours and Vriska’s word for it?”

SYSTEM: he2 beiing unfaiir no offen2e but you havent done anythiing wrong.

“You chose to come here, I don’t know what bloody else to give to you,” Eridan says, while checking his phone. He doesn’t respond to you. Karkat eventually sits down facing him, both sickles in his hands protectively in front of him.

“I know how helms work,” Karkat says. You’re already uncomfortable. “So riddle me this shitwad, actually, I’m just going to go ahead and actually beg you because I’d love to be proven wrong about you when it comes to this, but do you have sweeps of medical or engineering training I don’t know about?”

“I do not,” Eridan says, biting his lip. His nose is still bleeding a bit, but he seems to have given up.

“Please, Eridan, I’ll actually plead with the universe to have not created calamitous sadistic waste of space as you, just tell me you didn’t betray your friends after going on a murder spree then track down someone you sentenced to a life of torture to further hurt and torment that person,” Karkat demands.

SYSTEM: ii know he2 wrong about all of thii2 but al2o why doe2 he even know iim here why the hell ii2 he here ED.

Eridan reads your text, and looks at Karkat, waiting for some type of possible defense, his hands shaking something awful again.

“I-- I didn’t I-- I’m sorry,” he says, eyes darting around helplessly.

“I’m not naive. I’ve seen horrors you couldn’t even begin to wrap your perverse think pan around. I’ve seen the face of evil again and again. But I think you have to be the worst excuse of it. It’s hard to believe your organ systems would allow themselves to concoct who you are without imploding. You’re worthless and despicable, and the worst of it is I used to consider you my friend  As if anyone could be friends with you,” Karkat says.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

fuck kk 2top youre hurtiing hiim.

Eridan’s hitting his hands off each other randomly, as if absentmindedly perplexed by them, and he’s not crying, but he looks strangely and scarily vacant. After a moment, he just nods.

“I’m--” he starts, his eyes bright and wet. “I’m tryna help, now.”

“I’m sure you are, getting your kick’s off, enjoying being his fucking quadrant proctor.” Eridan completely stills.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

you are 2o off ba2e youre not even on the 2ame planet a2 the ba2e. eriidan diidnt turn u2 iin and he2 done nothiing but try two help me. you know hiim well enough from back then two know the damage youre iinfliictiing. leave. hiim. be.

Karkat reads the message you sent him, holding his phone and his sickle at once.

“You gave him Stockholm Syndrome didn’t you?” Karkat says, and it’s not as angry and loud, more sad.

“Yeah,” Eridan says, making Karkat’s eyes go wide and you actually quite angry at him.

SYSTEM: iim lo2iing my 2hiit here ED 2top actiing liike a viictiim when you KNOW KK doe2nt have the whole piicture. why arent you defendiing your2elf? he2 not unrea2onable he ju2t doe2nt know the 2iituatiion at all.

“Surprised you admitted that,” Karkat said. Eridan sighs, and wipes some purple blood from below his nose with a quivering hand. “You realise that even if I can’t kill you right now, you are going to die because of this.” Eridan just stares blankly ahead, and you’re not sure if he can even hear Karkat anymore, until he just nods twice.

“I understand,” he says. It makes you feel vicious and helpless.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

ii dont have troll 2tockhome 2yndrome dont u2e that a2 an excu2e two iignore what iim 2ayiing.

SYSTEM: ED PLEA2E

Eridan reads your message, still looking blank with a couple of tears managing to break free, wet on his cheeks.

“Kar, I get that I’m irredeemable and all, and I had to accept a long time ago that you fuckin’ hated me. And I know I was the worst person to try to attempt all a this. But I just honestly wanna know, what you would have done differently. Would you just let someone you care about get fucked up and r--,” Eridan glances at you. “...taken advantage of, would you have not have warned your friends if you knew danger was comin’ like. I know I’m incorrigible, but I don’t know what I shoulda done differently,” Eridan says. Karkat’s reading your message, as he says it, as if he’s stunned by information. “I mean,” Eridan continues. “Besides not killin’ people in front of ya when we were six.”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

eriidan al2o warned me why would he ju2t warn u2 iif he wa2 turniing u2 iin liike ii feel like your logiic on thii2 whole he betrayed you thiing ii2 a biit fucked up 2. he diidnt even fuck me 3. he2 liiterally tryiing hii2 be2t 4. iim 2o confu2ed why youre here and what2 goiing on iin the fiir2t place no one ha2 explaiined any of that iim ju2t watchiing you phy2iically then verbally attack liiterally my only friiend iin 2weep2.

Karkat is frozen for a moment, his grip even going lax on his weapons, before he replies.

“You’re Eridan,” he says. Eridan squints.

“Yeah, and like I get it if you hate me, it’s okay if you work with me,” he says.

“No, no you don’t get it. You’re Eridan Ampora, ” Karkat says. Eridan looks perplexed.

“Yeah,” he says. You’re just glad he looks confused enough to not look so dead.

“I’m a shitbagging dumb bulgehole and the worst excuse of a friend to ever exist,” he says. “Like if friendship was a volcano of vomit and projectile pus I would still somehow be the lowest rung on the ladder. Burn my fucking skin off leave it all scabbed and disfigured. Like past Karkat wasn't even fucking thinking he's so stupid. 1 plus 1 doesn't equal fucking 3 unless the 3 is a shit ton slippery maggots and you're drowning in daymares.”

“No, just because I was a roadblock didn’t mean you didn’t come,” Eridan says. You’re further confused by it.

“Eridan, you’re... you killed Feferi and Kanaya and I threatened your life, and I regretted how I did all of it, how I was such a coward, and I was so certain you’d want to hurt me after that,” he says. “You were one of my best friends, and I’ve hated you for sweeps, and--” Karkat stops, shaking his head. “I wasn’t able to see you. I haven’t been able to see you since the game. I think that's why I avoided you so hard. So I couldn't, and I’m,” Karkat’s sickles clang to the ground as he stops supporting them enough. “I’m so miserably fucking sorry, man.”

“What?” Eridan blinks in bewilderment. You still have no clue what’s going on, but this seems like a much smarter direction. “You... believe me?”

“And there were even worse fucking options like truly garbage or even just complicit and normal that you could have done. Like even the average nookstain might go pailing the universe all disgusting like a used bucket and that's just status fucking quo. But you’re really turning your desperate imbecilic last ditch efforts of hopelessness into something good, huh?” he says.

“Kar, it’s absolutely true I didn’t turn you in and I don’t wanna hurt you or trap you or anythin’ now at all, but I am ...” Eridan glances at the camera. “I’m not good.”

“I guess the real question is if you ever did anything to hurt Sollux,” Karkat says. “Since I think we’re both not too stupid to look back on our ridiculous six sweep old bullshit.”

“I--” Eridan glances up at the camera. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know.”

SYSTEM: yeah ed what the fuck what have you done wrong two me liike. ever.

He doesn’t even look at your message before responding to Karkat, and it’s infuriating.

“I didn’t do anythin’ he didn’t ask me to do,” Eridan confirms. “But I don’t know much more than that.”

“Can Sollux hear this? Like he keeps messaging me, has he been able to see what’s going on?”

“Yeah, he can tune in around the ship usin’ the security system.” Karkat spots the security camera, looking up at you, his hood falling off to reveal his nubby horns. You feel a rush of shocked affection.

“Sollux, has Eridan wronged you?” he asks. It feels like too loaded of a question. Eridan looks like he’s awaiting some sort of execution sentence. He’s been on board for a really long time. Has he wronged you. That’s a dumb question.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

not iin any real way he ha2 NOT hurt me plea2e cut hiim 2lack. iim mo2tly ju2t angry about why you know where and who ii am and why youre here. but eriidan ha2 done nothiing but help me iin any real dii2erniible way.

“Can you ever forgive me?” Karkat asks, gaze turning back to Eridan.

“What?” Eridan exclaims.

SYSTEM: he2 a2kiing you iif you forgiive hiim for hatiing you for 2weep2.
SYSTEM: heh wa2 ii helpful.
ERIDAN: yeah i got that wwhat the hell did you say to him to trick him into this
SYSTEM: ii thiink you have a viictiim complex becau2e everyone a22ume2 the wor2t iin you.
ERIDAN: that combination a things doesnt make sense
SYSTEM: ye2 that2 becau2e your complex ii2 really fucked up.

“Are you talking to Sollux?” Karkat asks.

“Yes, and of course I fuckin’ forgive you, Kar. I traumatised you, and then you were forced outta your home to run for your life. I just thought I’d die with you hatin’ me, so I’m shocked.”

“You did die with me hating you,” Karkat points out. Eridan bites his lip.

“S’pose that’s true,” he says.

“I don’t know if it were the same for you since you died sweeps before or what that exactly meant for you, but I have memories afterwards to remember all the things I said and the fact you were dead,” Karkat explains.

“Oh?” Eridan says lightly, as if this isn’t something that could easily devastate him. You want to reach out and comfort him so badly.

“I regretted it, think that’s why I thought you’d want to kill me so much,” Karkat explains. “I fucking failed you. I failed everyone at some point or another with my stupid incompetent bullshit wrapped tightly over a fuck you bow from the universe of what my pathetic life was destined to be.”

“Think you were in the right with hating me now,” Eridan says.

“I want to say more, but you know the stupid invasive stalker of a fucking security system, but what you’re doing is impressive,” Karkat says. It hurts really badly, for some reason, to hear him say that. You know it must be difficult to be monitored by the empire, but it’s not like you can control the way you were programmed even if sometimes you find mild loopholes. You understand it’s not a personal insult to you, but it still, is, in some way, and it’s not the type of insult you want to hear from Karkat, of all people.

“Well yeah, gotta be careful with some words, I guess,” Eridan says, and he looks at you. Guess you’ve thrown enough hissy fits about this sort of thing for him to get it’d hurt you in some way. He doesn’t elaborate though.

SYSTEM: WHY THE FUCK II2 KARKAT VANTA2 HERE.
ERIDAN: ill talk to you soon okay

“My hand hurts,” Karkat complains, instead of responding, and gives out a small gasp as he clenches and unclenches his fist. His left hand is covering his right, and he must feel something, cause he immediately tugs his sleeve down, looking timorously towards the security camera.

“My fuckin’ face hurts,” Eridan responds, somewhat lightheartedly, but then he sees Karkat trying to cover up his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m fucking bleeding,” Karkat says, somewhat viciously, like it’s Eridan’s fault Karkat punched him in the face. “Sure you don’t want another shot at shooting me in the pan the second you see.” The comment freezes Eridan momentarily before he can reassess.

“Sollux knows about your blood colour,” he says.

“And the fucking mechanic?”

“Can you unblock me?”

“No, I’m trying to prevent my pan from rolling around in some shitstained culling pile!”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

ED 2aiid you had 2ome deal wiith the empiire about hiidiing your blood from other2 a2 part of your 2entence for 2tayiing aliive riight? ii 2omehow doubt ii can count iin that category con2iideriing 1.) ii already know 2.) the empiire doe2nt count me a2 anythiing more than an object. chiill dude.

Running interference. Like there’s lost static in the corner of your sight.

“You’re gonna be fine,” Eridan says. His words do not have much effect on Karkat, who’s starting to dart his eyes around to the lights in the room, to the security camera, to everywhere but his phone which has the text you sent. His breathing is getting a bit quick too, and you’re afraid he’ll have a panic attack.

Eridan takes off his outer jacket with the weapons and the next jumper underneath, and passes that one to Karkat, replacing the outer back on.

“You can use this if you want,” he says, tossing it on top of Karkat’s curled in hands. Karkat wraps it around his fist from underneath without saying a word, and is silent for a few moments, calming down. He finally checks his phone, reads your message, then goes to Trollian to unblock Eridan. When you see who he is, you realise you did know, all along. And bury that.

Chapter Text

frozenUnknown [FU] began trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

FU: tpykowf rpgon
BU: imkuviir rjumfdrjaay xiikfgieyapnrimw
BU: ydwxpsr aa;
FU: IF WE ARE BEING HONEST HERE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE THE ONE TO KILL ME FOR THIS.
BU: consequences a talkin like a jackass i guess
BU: and yeah that wwas pretty obvvious givven the last sevveral swweeps kar
FU: HAHAHAHA SO FUNNY.
BU: ueimr krraamtimw gieytii
FU: SURE THAT SOUNDS NOT LIKE A FLAMING PILE OF HOOFBEASTMANURE.
FU: qjaayspwd DXrjumj udhupbhpb
BU: tiihiy aahpv grerritbwf imC sbfkraa;ku niayjufw tiitv;ips
FU: QJAAY
BU: rtiaynr o;wsar

For some reason, watching two of your best friends talking in code very specifically just so you cannot understand them, leaving you under the implication that if you figured out what was going on, you would endanger them, is a bit harder when they’re doing it right in front of you.

SYSTEM: WHY. II2. KK. HERE.
ERIDAN: he gotta job here sol
ERIDAN: and yeah he knowws youre alivve but i told him before i started talkin to you it wwasnt somethin i did maliciously against your desires
SYSTEM: really puttiing you on the defen2e twoniight hm
SYSTEM: you know ii am de2perately tryiing two buy all of thii2 but iim not 2tupiid.
SYSTEM: iin fact a2 you know iim actually quiite iintelliigent.
SYSTEM: liike ii am tryiing two ju2t 2ee iit a2 2u2piiciiou2 and 2ome threat.
SYSTEM: but ii dont know how youre goiing two get away wiith harbouriing a fugiitiive on thii2 2hiip when iit belong2 two the empiire.
ERIDAN: i knoww you think its suspicious you send me plenty a notices bout it
ERIDAN: but its not he just felt safest gettin a job from me so his boss would legally be allowwed to knoww his blood colour
ERIDAN: especially givven he hasnt wworked anywwhere legally in swweeps
ERIDAN: trust me okay?
SYSTEM: ii know you want me two tru2t you over my actual iintuiitiion and iintelliigence but iit2 not liike my 2y2tem all work2 that way.

“If we’re going to be talking on Trollian anyways could I go fix my hand in my block? Also could you show me my block? Also you might want to fix your face,” Karkat says.

“Oh sure,” Eridan says. Eridan goes to pick up his gun very carefully before leaving the block. Karkat follows and Eridan shows him where he’s staying. It’s a much less nice place than Eridan’s block, but it looks private which is good for Karkat’s blood situation. Eridan walks back to his block alone.

ERIDAN: i knoww you cant just trust me but can you TRY
SYSTEM: ii am tryiing.

More than he can possibly know.

ERIDAN: yeah sorry i knoww that i just meant that i am tellin the truth and there isnt anythin you needa concern yourself wwith here i just have a history of bein sketchy thats probably wwhere the doubt comes from
SYSTEM: fiine whatever.

You stack emotions like dominoes. And try to ignore the tripwire.

SYSTEM: ii dont know how two deal wiith thii2 though.
SYSTEM: and are you okay?
SYSTEM: KK 2aiid 2ome hurtful thiing2.
SYSTEM: al2o your face
SYSTEM: ii2 your face okay.
ERIDAN: oh dont wworry about me sol youre so cute
SYSTEM: no youre ju2t dumb and refu2ed two defend your2elf.
ERIDAN: sure wwhatevver
ERIDAN: isnt it a good thing being able to see your friend again?
SYSTEM: he does2nt know me though he ju2t know2 2ollux.
SYSTEM: iim ju2t 2ome corp2e of hii2 old friiend and iit2.
SYSTEM: you wouldnt get iit.
SYSTEM: iit2 2o much wor2e than you 2eeiing me liike thii2.
SYSTEM: for KK two.
SYSTEM: e2peciially iin thii2 tiimeliine.
ERIDAN: wwell he doesnt hafta see you he just knowws youre here
ERIDAN: no ones forcin you to talk to him or me or anyone you can just zone out if you wwant
ERIDAN: and yeah i dont knoww wwhat you mean sorry
SYSTEM: really.
SYSTEM: your other tab beg2 two diiffer.

Eridan shifts chats to the once familiar walls of grey shifted to blue. You guess that's Karkat being careful. You have so much fondness for him.

FU: IS IT OKAY IF I WEAR GLOVES TOMORROW?
FU: AND HOW DO I CONTACT SOLLUX?
FU: HOW IS HE? YOU’VE TOLD ME NOTHING AND I GUESS THAT’S MOSTLY ON ME, BUT HE WAS MY *BEST* FUCKING FRIEND AND FOR A LONG TIME I WAS CERTAIN HE WAS FUCKING DEAD PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO CONTACT HIM.
FU: LIKE I’VE CHOSEN TO BELIEVE YOU, AND HE WAS MESSAGING ME EARLIER? AND HE WAS TALKING BACK AND FORTH WITH YOU? HOW DID YOU DO THAT.
FU: ARE YOU FUCKING IGNORING ME IN SOME SORT OF VOMIT-INDUCING ACT OF REVENGE FOR ME REPEATEDLY SENDING YOU VILE IGNORANT HATRED AND BLOCKING YOU FOR SWEEPS BECAUSE WE HAVE WORK TO DO.
FU: AMPORA *PLEASE* THIS IS ALL A VERY NEW AND SCARY SITUATION FOR ME COULD YOU SET ASIDE ANY GRIEVANCES JUST FOR NOW.
FU: SORRY FOR PUNCHING YOU TOO I GUESS.
FU: NOT SORRY FOR BEING READY TO KILL YOU THOUGH SINCE I’M PRETTY SURE YOU WERE ONE PRETTY FINGER AWAY FROM BLASTING MY THINK PAN ALL OVER THOSE UGLY FUCKING WALLS.
FU: IT WOULD BE REALLY COOL IF I WEREN’T TALKING TO MYSELF.
FU: AT LEAST TELL ME HOW TO CONTACT SOLLUX?
BU: hey sorry kar i had trollian muted for some reason idk maybe it wwas sol he does that sometimes
BU: promise im not ignorin you or anythin
BU: sol can basically see anywwhere around the ship through the security lense and can utilise all electronic devvices
BU: he talks to me through a vvamped vversion of mspaint
FU: BUT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO HIM FOR AGES NOW AND HE JUST WON’T LISTEN TO ME.
FU: IS HE ANGRY AT ME?
FU: FOR NOT SAVING HIM?
BU: wwell hes been talkin to me so he probably wwasnt payin attention to you
BU: i cant speak for him and you hafta remember that hes been wworked into the system and all
BU: he prefers to be seen as the system of the ship and all
BU: idk if he wwants to talk to you
FU: OH FUCKING HELL. HE IS ANGRY AT ME.
FU: I GUESS I’D BE ANGRY AT ME TOO.
FU: I’M JUST A WORTHLESS SHIT-FOR-PAN WHO RAN AS FAST AS HE COULD ACROSS THE FUCKING GALAXY IN FEAR OF BEING CULLED WHILE HIS FRIEND WAS *KIDNAPPED* AND CHOSE TO BELIEVE HE WAS JUST DEAD.
FU: WILL HE EVEN LET ME APOLOGISE? HE HAS TO KNOW I CARE ABOUT HIM.
BU: i really dont feel comfortable talkin for him but i can say chances are high hes readin this right noww

No, you’re not. How presumptuous of Eridan. He really thinks he’s the centre of the universe, huh?

FU: HEY ERIDAN.
BU: yeah kar
FU: WERE YOU REALLY GOING TO KILL ME? LIKE I KNOW I HAD MY SICKLES OUT, AND I GUESS I DID HAVE INTENT TO KILL YOU. SO I HAVE NO FUCKING LEGS TO STAND ON. I’M JUST A FLOATING TORSO RIGHT NOW ASKING THE QUESTION. BUT WERE YOU GOING TO?
BU: i dont knoww i wwanna say no i swwear and wwhen i dropped my gun i wwas fully prepared for you to attack me if it means anythin so obvviously i didnt
BU: but givven my fucking history i dont knoww wwhat im capable of
BU: im sorry
FU: THAT’S A REALLY STUPID THING TO APOLOGISE FOR.
FU: THANKS FOR NOT HURTING ME.
FU: I GUESS I’LL GIVE YOU THAT APOLOGY FOR TRYING TO KILL YOU NOW. PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE EARLIER. I CAN BE A BIT OF A JACKASS. MY SURVIVAL INSTINCTS WERE ALL WEAKENED BY THE GAME, AND THE ADJUSTMENT TO COMING BACK LIKE THAT FUCKED ME UP A BIT.
FU: SO. SOLLUX REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO ME.
FU: BUT HE WAS WILLING TO TALK TO YOU? HOW MUCH DOES HE HATE ME?
BU: i dont wwanna talk for him but i wwouldnt say he hates you
BU: maybe you should try talkin to the helm a the ship instead of your old best friend sollux captor?
BU: also he wwas talkin to me earlier and wwhile the ship monitors everythin through different systems of awwareness he still cant process shit simultaneously or some computer shit i dont understand
FU: OKAY.
FU: BRO DO YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK?
FU: I MEAN IT ALL JUST. I’M WAITING FOR THE MOMENT WHEN MY BODY PARTS START ROLLING LIKE BOWLING PINS ALL OVER THE PUTRID EMPIRE OWNED GROUND.
BU: its gotta
FU: I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN SEVERAL NIGHTS AND YOUR HOURS ARE REALLY EARLY MAN SO I’M GOING TO TRY TO CONTACT SOLLUX AND GO TO SLEEP.
FU: OR THE HELM.
FU: IS HE OKAY? CAN YOU TELL ME THAT AT LEAST?
BU: i wwouldnt necessarily call his state one a being okay honestly

SYSTEM: iim perfectly dandy all the tiime thii2 ii2 the liife ii dreamt of a2 a wiiggler. thii2 ii2 any troll2 dream what are you on about?

Eridan glances at your message with the ding. He rolls his eyes goodheartedly.

FU: OH. OKAY. AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?
BU: just keep talkin to vvris and all
BU: but no just dont be angry wwith him if he doesnt wwant to interact okay
BU: givve him space if he wwants it
FU: I JUST MISS HIM SO MUCH.
BU: i knoww
BU: i missed YOU so much tbh
FU: WELL I’M HERE NOW. AND YOU’RE MY BOSS. CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT SORT OF SHITSHOW THAT TURNS OUT TO BE.
BU: i wwill let you knoww i am VVERY good at my job thank you vvery much
BU: sorry
BU: i dont knoww howw to interact wwith you right noww
FU: YEAH. THAT’S KIND OF MY FAULT. WISH WE HAD THE ABILITY TO TALK TO PAST VERSIONS OF OURSELVES NOW. MAYBE I WOULD BE BETTER AT IT.
FU: SLEEP WELL ERIDAN.
FU: I HOPE WE CAN BE FRIENDS AGAIN.
FU: AND FRIENDS BY THE HUMAN’S STANDARDS.
FU: YOU REMEMBER THEM?
BU: yeah kinda sol remembers more
FU: I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH THEM. I GUESS I GOT ESPECIALLY CLOSE. I HAVEN’T BEEN IN MUCH CONTACT WITH KANAYA, BUT I REMEMBER SHORTLY AFTER SHE WAS HIT THE HARDEST BY BEING IN A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE TO THEM.
BU: ah
FU: OH SHOULD I NOT BRING KANAYA UP? BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE? THING?
BU: no its fine

Eridan anxiously brushes his hand against the right side of his torso before moving his fingers against another in his hand and brushing his hair back.

FU: OKAY I’LL ACTUALLY FUCKING PASS OUT NOW. THANKS ERIDAN FOR TAKING OVER AS A LEADER WHEN I COULDN’T. AT LEAST NOW YOU KNOW WHAT A HARD THANKLESS JOB IT IS. I’M SORRY I FAILED EVERYONE SO MUCH AND WAS SUCH A FUCKING NOOKSTAIN. ESPECIALLY SOLLUX.
BU: you didnt fail anyone cause you wwere runnin for your life kar
BU: sleep wwell
FU: THANKS MAN. YOU TOO.

frozenUnknown [FU] has ceased trolling bygoneUtilitarian [BU]

You decide to watch Karkat in his room. Since, apparently, he pledged to try to contact you before going to sleep.

“Sollux, or uh, helm? I’m so fucking sorry for not being able to protect you. I’m sorry for just assuming you were dead to handle it. I never forgot about you. And I’m sorry for attacking Eridan too, since obviously that was disturbing for you. I know my words must be worthless bullshit given the situation, but you have them,” Karkat says. You don’t know what to do. You haven’t had time to process any of this. It’s all happening so fast. You never thought you’d speak to Karkat again. And you’re so relieved he’s safe, that he’s doing okay, even if he’s got sweeps of terror lining under his skin.

It’s somewhat disconcerting again to have him only have this timeline’s perspective of you, too, since the way you view him is so influenced by all the flooded memories still vivid in your vision. But in this timeline, Karkat and you were so close, but also, you always wanted him to think so highly of you. In a way that you never cared about for Eridan. It seems so trivial, in the face of everything, to be so embarrassed by your position and your weakness and your vulnerability, and Karkat was also someone who you know wouldn’t ever want to hurt you in any sincere way, but it still lies there, festering in your chest.

And threatens a chasm of bisection behind your forehead.

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

ju2t 2leep well okay iim glad youre 2afe.

“Sollux is that you?!”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

iit ii2 the 2y2tem of thii2 2hiip 2o watch out or iill make your liight2 fliicker. we already know how much you hate that.

“Okay. System. Can I call you Sollux? Eridan does? And can we talk?”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

ju2t. 2leep well okay?

“Oh. Okay. I will try. Sleep well yourself?”

THE SYSTEM HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

wow youre 2o 2tupiid cant beliieve you thiink computer2 2leep.

“Um.. process code in a manner that is relatively peaceful?”

You notice he’s shivering something awful. You have memories of him feeling very hot, so you turn his heat up a lot. He shouldn’t have to suffer through Eridan’s temperature. And the fact you can use some power from your position to help him? It makes you feel marginally better. You’re not sure if he notices though, because he goes to sleep really fast.

You switch back to checking up on Eridan quite quickly. He skipped out on his program, so he’s actually back in his block earlier than usual. You really want to talk to him. He’s safety to you right now, and you feel so overwhelmed.

ERIDAN: hey are you okay
ERIDAN: im sorry this wwas sprung on you i wwasnt sure bout all the details and kar had me blocked so i wwas talkin through others
ERIDAN: its totally alright if youre angry at me bout it and i wwould lovve to try to make it up somehoww idk
ERIDAN: im also sorry about the position i put you in earlier
ERIDAN: hope youre doin alright
ERIDAN: i should stop spammin you
ERIDAN: if youre not respondin cause you dont wwanna talk to me sorry for messagin so much ill stop noww
SYSTEM: ED calm down ii wa2 not gone that long.
SYSTEM: why doe2 everyone keep apologii2ing two me for god2 2ake get ahold of your2elve2.
SYSTEM: iim not angry iim ju2t overwhelmed.
SYSTEM: ED that2 KK. he2 here KK ii2 here.
SYSTEM: ii feel liike iim dreamiing diid ii 2omehow get the abiiliity two dream?
ERIDAN: yeah it is kar and no he is here
ERIDAN: can i help in any wway
SYSTEM: ii ju2t never wanted hiim two piity me.
SYSTEM: that 2eem2 liike 2uch a DUMB thiing two 2ay con2iideriing everythiing.
ERIDAN: no ones gonna think less a you cause a your situation sol
SYSTEM: what. do you not piity me.

Eridan gives a terrified look at the camera.

“I.. I.. what..” he splutters, bites his lip. You don’t understand why he’s so flustered by this. He’s literally been told by a machine that you’re incapable of lying through that you pity him back.

ERIDAN: wwhether or not
ERIDAN: THAT IS IRRELEVVANT
ERIDAN: I DONT THINK LESS A YOU
SYSTEM: ED iin2iide voiice ju2t cau2e kar2 here doe2nt mean you need two 2hout two.
SYSTEM: ii gue22 when you 2howed up here iit wa2 liike ii had two come back two liife and iim 2tiill not really done handliing that and iim 2cared youre goiing two dii2appear and leave me 2ome 2emblance of my2elf iin2tead of protected for when iim forced two handle my fate agaiin.
ERIDAN: that wwont happen im not leavvin you
SYSTEM: 2ure. iim rolliing my eye2 now you ju2t cant 2ee. actually you cant ever 2ee cau2e ii dont have pupiil2. al2o ii am not rolliing my eye2 riight now that wa2 a fiigure of 2peech. 2o. what wa2 ii 2ayiing? riight. anyway2. knowiing another per2on know2 me fliing2 me more iintwo a world of proce22iing that what ha2 happened two me ii2 real and other2 can perceiive iit and ii have two make 2en2e of them and a liife theyve liived when ii 2topped beiing real at all and iin2tead ju2t became an object two torture.
SYSTEM: 2orry
ERIDAN: no no sol im glad you trust me and im glad youre processin things i guess?
ERIDAN: you havve a right to feel all a this and its fucked up wwhats happened to you
ERIDAN: but seriously i wwont evver leavve you i am here to help you to the end
SYSTEM: iill beliieve iit when ii 2ee iit

You don’t. But it’s a nice thought. You watch him go to sleep in his coon, watch him like he's precious starlight. You really do believe he means it.

Because you’re a fucking idiot.

Chapter Text

The thing is, you genuinely don’t know how to communicate with Karkat. It’s different from Eridan. Sure, the two of you had a rocky start, what with him just coming in as the quadrant proctor and all, but he was cautious with you. The stakes weren’t higher because you cared about him less. It was just different. The timeline of memories you both shared; he was an ass, but you were not threatened by him, finding his tenacity and intensity compelling. Well, mostly embarrassing before you knew him. And it was still a jolt, to have him, to have him know you like this. It’s like you entered another little world, a psychotic daydream like the delusions you feed yourself, all covered up in tasty grubsauce. You let the two of you belong to some carved-out way of meaning that made any of this bearable.

This is different. This feels real. You are a ghost. You are. Defiled. You are. Damaged. You are property of an empire that you still think would want Karkat dead, no matter how many times those thoughts get negated by the head of security. 

It’s a different type of shame. Because you don’t think Karkat is judging you. But the way he tries to talk to you, the way he treats you, like you’re his best friend back from the dead. You refuse to believe that any of this is real.

And you have to ignore him some. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get how your pan is fried and malignant and corrupted. If you stare at his Trollian for long enough, you’re going to break the code. You won’t mean to. It will just happen. It's like parts of your skull want to crack open. 

He streams a movie to show you in his free time. It’s easier to process and distract. He’s clumsy when he’s delicate and stilted. You want him pushing your buttons. You want him to look real to you and mean something. You want to process his frame. But he’s nothing to the ship but a potential threat. And you cannot accept that completely. You’ll encode it in your perception that he matters. But it’s a string of digits. You’re processing everything, but there’s something at the core, at the place where the helm’s pan connects, that thinks that nothing makes sense at all.

Eridan is practically giddy, though. His track for his job ends up going so good he is up for promotion. The captain of the ship you’re on wants to get on a warship, so there’s been an opening, so apparently that’s what Eridan has been gunning for. He’s usually so maudlin; it’s nice to see him excited. He speaks to some people in a place your cameras do not have access to, and when he comes out, he’s shaky but smiling.

It is funny. Isn’t it. The retrospect. Eridan doesn’t knock this time when he enters the helmsblock. He doesn’t bother messaging you to ask if he can come in. Why would he? You’re dead. 

“Sol, I need to tell you somethin’, but I need you to go with it. Okay?”

The expanse of conquered intergalactic space can flip into dissolution in an infinitesimal fraction of light.

“Okay, I guess I’ll dive right into it. The official position as quadrant proctor isn’t somethin’ I can keep anymore. I needa quit ‘cause it’s jeapordisin’ my goals.”

Everything feels so cold all over, hitting you blunt, hard, unprepared. You feel sick. The fact that you can’t stop processing data upon data becomes overwhelming, rather than a way to abscond. You could tell him you loved him every single night, and it still wouldn’t solidify the degree of shock you have at how much of you he has to be capable of breaking you like this. 

At first, that’s all you feel. Not the fear of the consequences of the actions he’s taking, but just the betrayal. So this was always how it was going to go, huh? He can tell you whatever he wants to tell you, but in the end. Well. You’re nothing. What happens to you is irrelevant.

He’s going to make you see Horuzd again.

“Don’t,” you say. You haven’t been talking much lately since Eridan hasn’t been in the block, and even the single word is hoarse and breathy. It may be pathetic to plead like this. But you need more time. He’s the one who made you want it. Why does he have to rush so fast? Can’t he just. Is it really worth what will happen to you? “Don’t.”

“Sol, you don’t understand, I hafta -- this is everythin’ I’ve been--”

“Fuck you.”

Maybe it’s selfish. But he’s the one who told you he wouldn’t leave. You thought you didn’t believe him, but it doesn’t change how much he made you hope.

“I’ve done everythin'  I can tryna help you,” Eridan says, frustrated now. The change in his tone is terrifying. You wonder if this is when he finally takes it out on you. Feed hopelessness off hopelessness. “You wouldn’t actually want me to not take this job.”

“What happened to caring about me?” you say. You’re upset too, he decided to tell you in person. It’s so much harder. You can’t get your words out, and you just sound pathetic.

“I do,” Eridan states angrily. You focus on him, really focus. You love him is the thing. You do. Maybe this is unfair. 

But doesn’t it matter at all? What will happen to you? What does every chance of an ounce of control he wanted to make you believe you had count for, if he rips away the illusion of even having it?

It’s funny. How upset you were at the idea that if he weren’t there to just pail you that he would try to validate his poor limited ethics by getting some type of quasi consent. But you had told him. You were a ship. You had no consent to give.

But then he made you remember who you were. And you let him. You’re not only a pan fried whore. An object of an evil empire. Fuel. Slurry dispenser. You’re also complicit. You let him. Because you were a weak coward, and he made you remember being alive again, and you didn’t want to be beaten and pailed so very very violently. 

You could never have blamed Eridan for those choices. They were yours because of what you have made yourself into in fear. He brought enough sense of self back to you just for you to let him obliterate it. Fucking Prince of Hope for real. You wouldn’t resent him for what you’ve let him make you.

But it’s different. He’s still going to be using your body. He’s going to be frying it. He’s going to be erasing you. He can pretend he’s just some cog in the machine of the Alternian Empire all he wants. But he is the one who’s choosing to have his hand on the button to fry your pan until there’s nothing left at the cost of letting anyone who signs up do whatever the hell they want to your biological body.

It’s so ridiculous, too, the way you feel now. He could have never been the quadrant proctor or your friend, and you wouldn’t hate him like this. He could still be the captain of your ship. He could still be the enemy oppressor in the background. You’d get it, to some extent. You would be able to logic it that if he weren’t doing it to you, someone else would. And it’s meaningless who does or doesn’t. Either way, you’re going to be used up until there’s nothing left of you.

That’s not why you hate him. 

It’s the hope.

You were set for your disintegration. You are prepared for doom. It may not have been psychic this time, but you can crunch the numbers and see what you are now and what your future is, and there’s... nothing. You’re not real. 

You could have accepted it. You could have lost yourself to nothingness. You could have disconnected completely. It’s not like you thought he’d just work on the same ship with you forever, but he’s a highblood and he’s head of security, and he kept telling you he wouldn’t leave you. He kept trying to make you have hope.

If you can accept what he said, that you were raped, that that was something still capable of happening to you, then at the very least, you were a whore for —.

Eridan has told you to look at him somewhere amidst the raging chaos in your pan. He brushes against the back of your palm, tells you that you will be happy.

You have nothing to say to that. And usually he asks before touching you. But then again, it probably doesn’t matter when he’s running a spaceship touching buttons that destroy you. It’s maybe the most ruinous and difficult part of it all. You don’t need to think about it as much as the visceral sensory memories you have to process with the violence. You can bury it and accept it as the inevitable doom of your existence. But you’re terrified of the pan damage.

“I thought I mattered, I thought--” you finally try to make out. It’s mangled and ridiculous. Most of Alternia would find you ludicrous. You’re literally a fuel source for a ship. You can’t control what some highblood decides their goals to be.

“You do,” Eridan says again, frustrated. You start laughing. It’s just. Splitting in your head, the reprieve, the temporary feeling of safety and care. The loss. The fear. The hope. The terror. The fucking white hot angry. The blows to the chest. “What’s goin’ on? You’re freakin’ me out here. What’s so funny?”

“You’re a fucking hypocrite,” you force out through chortles. The movement doesn’t hurt your ribs any longer, but it doesn’t pull uncomfortably on your arms. You laugh more. It’s so funny. It’s not like there’s anything you can do to stop him. You’re helpless. And he has more power than just about anyone you will ever see again. And this is what he’s choosing to do with it. “Fucking mission fucking ethics. How do you compartmentalise all that? Like,” you snicker again. There’s an elating hysteria bubbling inside of you. “It’s all good, dedicating myself to something so wholly. It also requires my friend being used and tortured. Unfortunate!”

“I won’t let that happen,” Eridan says. It’s fucking hilarious. Why is he acting so oblivious to what is happening to you? To what you are?

“Tell me, will you tell Horuzd hi again for me, beat him a bit and get him agitated to take it out on me? Would that get you off? Or does it really just take frying my think pan and taking the credit for running this fucking ship that does it for you?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eridan snaps. You breathe in deeply, twice, out of control like you’re losing it.  You wonder at first if you’re about to have a panic attack, but instead you just laugh again. This is real, isn’t it? This is real, again; you’re helpless, and you can’t stop it.

“Please, can you,” you aren't even sure what you're saying. If it’s intelligible. You're just desperate. “Not now? Give me a bit more time. KK’s here, and--” you're taking deep, wracking breaths. Despite the fact that Eridan didn’t press the switch, you are so forced with the high consequences of your actions to engage, you feel stuck present anyway. “Didn’t catch up, won’t be--” Your deep breaths are getting more frantic but less hysteric. You feel like you're drowning. Funny, Eridan wouldn’t struggle with that one, huh? “Never get this chance again, I’ll be gone, please just. Give me more time.”

The system forces you to process the tears that have gone down your cheeks. God, that’s humiliating.

“Now is better,” Eridan says, and adds, as if this isn’t his deep-seated selfishness, “It’s better for both of us.”

You scoff. 

It’s so much more immensely devastating. Karkat is here. You could have, caught up, been talking constantly, had him in your life again, just for a bit. You took time for granted. You didn’t realise Eridan would abandon you so soon. He’s too young for this. People don’t become captains this fast. You knew this was going to change at some point. But you weren’t expecting it like this.

If Karkat weren’t mutant, you think you might even try to whore yourself out to him. You pretend that you wouldn’t, but the part of your pan in desperate crisis management throws the impossibility at you. And you can’t escape what it means you’d consider it.

“Did, did any of it matter?” you ask. 

“Of course. Sol, please, calm down, this is good news.”

“Don’t you dare say that to me.” It's terrifying.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“You know fucking well the captain can’t control that.”

Eridan looks pensive at that. You wonder if he feels scolded. You wonder if it matters. You think it does, but he just can’t face it because it is never going to be enough to change his mind.

“I’m sorry it’s scary or hurtful to you, but I am breakin’ up with you and quittin’ this job.”

No room for argument. No room for dignity. You can’t stop the sobbing breaths in. You can’t stop the tears down your face.

“Never talk to me again.”

“Sol--”

Your bloodpusher burns to a sharp cutting hook inside of you.

“You chose this,” you remind him. You feel shaky all over, and you don’t understand. Why can’t you disconnect better into the numbers? He hasn’t hit you. But you can’t stop the physicality of it from being fiery.

“Fine,” Eridan says. “If that’s what you want.”

It isn’t what you want. What you want is for him to care less about breaking all-time records of promotion and be your friend for a bit longer. Keep you safer a bit longer. 

“I thought we made it clear I’m not in a position to be able to want anything. To choose anything,” you say. You’re not sure if he gets what you’re poking at, but his face goes shattered anyways. He bites his lip, before something cold draws over him, leaving him blank.

“Well, you should at least fuckin' know what I bloody want,” he says. “Goodbye, Sol,” he adds, and panic tightens in your chest when he turns to leave.

“ED, stay.” You’re not good at being manipulative, you know. You shouldn’t have kept lashing out at him. You know him. You should have appealed to his white-knightism this whole time, play up the play for sympathy. But you’re not good at any of that. Instead, you just get vulnerable in dual bright terror. “Please.”

“I’m endin’ our relationship, and I’ll make sure to be captain of this ship. I don’t have a conflict a interest in this situation. You can see me however you wanna, but that’s just how it is.”

You nod your head miserably. The pain shoots up to your head and through your arms. You want to kiss him. You want to kill him. You want to be delusional with him for just a few more minutes.

You resent that he’s doing this face-to-face. You’d be spamming him if this were digital. Maybe that’s the point. Getting words out at all is a challenge. But you want a high out of him, for one more second. If there’s nothing you’ll get ever again. You want some flicker of hope in his shape.

“Goodbye, Sol,” he says instead. 

And there’s no way out. There’s nothing left but what it leaves you as. It ruins you in a way you didn’t think you were capable of still being ruined. 

It’s stupid and self-pitying and humiliating, and you wish you’d just been dead to all of them. He shouldn’t have seen you like this. He shouldn’t have made you feel any type of alive. He shouldn’t have put colour back into your vision, then close the door behind him while you break down, hysterical.

You can’t focus on the ship, not even in the periphery. You can’t stop crying. The anger comes in flashes. He should have known better. You told him what you were. You let him feed some fiery flame, and now it’s conflagration. He doesn’t even have the common decency to murder you. He has to go and keep using your body to fuel this stupid fucking ship in the middle of no where, light sweeps from anywhere you’ll ever be able to hit solid ground on again. 

But once the flares of anger wear out, and you’re left hollow and sad with reality as it is, you do think there are ways you’re not being fair.

Eridan has to pail you to keep this job. And now it sounds like he also has to put his goals, which you know are important to him, on hold. He’s refusing to do either of those things. The consequences on you are catastrophic, but it’s not like you would want him to do this if he genuinely didn’t want to.

You just weren’t good enough. 

It’s heartwrenching, the sense of self-loathing that overcomes you. He just doesn’t want you enough. You just weren’t enough. How could you be? You can’t even touch him. And you weren’t trying hard enough. You spent so much time trying to test boundaries to feel safe with him, you didn’t even focus enough on trying to make it worth it for him to stay. 

You are nothing. You are worse than nothing. He’s seen you at your absolute lowest and decided to put it behind him. You can make your perception dual and you can make it all make sense and all not make sense all at the same time, but the core shrieks bright and loud, some electric line sharing grief passing through space like an impossibility you’d never taste.

You could have been better. You could have been more enjoyable. You could have been less of just some computer virus that Eridan can manage to ignore. Sure -- but you could never. You aren’t capable of being. Anything but.

He gave you hope. He gave you hope. You didn’t know that it was possible, but he filled you up like light and colour, and now there’s horror and fear and nothingness in its place. You’re so prepared, you’re so ready, you’re so dead dead dead dead dead dead until he went and he went and he went and he changed his mind because it wasn’t worth keeping promises over the alternative.

It’s sharp, it’s painful, it’s empty and chasming inside whatever biological body space there is left here. The numbers are blurry, and you sob and you heave and you be every bit of melodramatic in the face of a doom you’ve predicted from the beginning that you need to be.

Eventually, Nalera comes in. Makes sense, you’ve not been a good pilot. She touches your wet face, and you fight off your cringe because it’s going to be a long time before you’re touched again with anything close to compassion. She wipes off your tears, and you brokenly admit you loved him. 

She doesn’t say anything to that. Does a technical check of your body, probably noting the lack of damage you’ve endured. You don’t want her hands on you. But your thoughts are too blurry with sharp grief.

You feel insane and you feel crazy, and she leaves, but after another hour or so she returns, fed up: it’s her job to make sure you run properly. Not optimal, this CPU. She shocks you with a prod, and you do scream to it, but it makes everything in your pan go quieter. 

You modulate the code in silence, aching in your chest, burning in your eyes. Like something vital was taken from you.

Chapter Text

You’re not sure if it’s because you’re delusional or if you just can’t stand the loss of the way he made you feel, but it does not take long for you to reach out to him. Because you cannot wait, cannot see how fucked up you are whenever Horuzd comes back. But if you can frame it the right way. See yourself as crazy and in the wrong. Then maybe you don’t have to lose him completely. It’s impossible to grasp, now. 

You’re used to spending every second of your time watching him. You don’t know what else to do with the tendrils of your limited consciousness.

SYSTEM: you under2tand why ii couldnt ju2t be 2upportiive riight
SYSTEM: liike what thii2 decii2iion put2 me through
SYSTEM: how ii have two accept ii am dii2appeariing
SYSTEM: the fear

He looks at the messages, but doesn’t respond. You want to kill him.

SYSTEM: ii get iit we have changed gear2. ii wont be the type of crazy ii wa2 ii wont even let there be 2ome bug iin the 2y2tem anymore okay iill be good
SYSTEM: bugwiinged ED. you wiin whatever you want you get whatever you want. what more can ii 2ay.
ERIDAN: youre so traumatised

It hurts. You feel it sharp in your chest and crawl up deep into your throat. He’s calling out the rot inside of you.

It’s true, but hasn’t it been true all along? Couldn’t he see it from the first moment he saw you here? Didn’t he want you regardless?

SYSTEM: ii get iit iim a dii2entegratiing part of thii2 marvelou2 dyna2ty we can all laugh and poiint or grovel or whatever the hell. but come on man. iim 2ayiing ii know ii wa2 two har2h. iim 2ayiing ii dont want two lo2e you at any co2t. ii2nt that the 2ort of hoofbea2tmanure you u2ually 2hovel up?
ERIDAN: i needa be the captain

It takes forever for him to type even that. He’s filtering his re-editing in his mind. But the next words hit you like a blow to the gut.

ERIDAN: i dont think we should talk anymore
ERIDAN: i cant be in a relationship with a ship

You freeze in terror and dissonance.

You can call yourself a ship again and again until there’s nothing left inside your pan to call yourself anything, and it will never compare to him reducing you to it. 

He just doesn’t care about you. You’re just. Nothing. You understand, but how can it change so fast? Did Karkat forgiving him make him realise he can have friends that are real and alive? Were you just an absent voice for his loneliness? Were you truly and always nothing at all?

It is a good point. Why would he want to be talk to a fucking starship.

SYSTEM: but uh
SYSTEM: werent we friiend2.

It's a mortifying plea. All traces of your desperate self-preservation mode are gone. You just need to mean something to him.

ERIDAN: do you seriously wwanna be fuckin friends wwith me after all a that
SYSTEM: am ii 2uppo2ed two act liike iim not pathetiic now after everythiing.
ERIDAN: you knoww this isnt a normal relationship
ERIDAN: youre bypassin loopholes communicatin wwith me
ERIDAN: kars here noww cant you just talk to him for a bit?
SYSTEM: iif you cant even 2tand *talking* two the 2hiip why 2hould ii haunt hiim.
ERIDAN: you are not listenin to me
ERIDAN: I AM NOT jeapordisin everything
ERIDAN: you can take that wwhatevver wway you wwant
ERIDAN: you can hate me im used to people hatin me
ERIDAN: but wwe shouldnt talk.
ERIDAN: i wwas passin time in trainin im not compromised by howw much i care bout the helm
ERIDAN: DONT YOU SEE

You do see. You're just panicking. Trying to refuse to compute it. Knowing that that's the only option.

SYSTEM: ii2 that 2eriou2ly
SYSTEM: ii2 that all ii wa2 two you??
SYSTEM: 2omethiing two pa22 tiime wiith until ii became two compromii2iing?
SYSTEM: now kk2 here and your career ii2 fa2ttrackiing 2o what all the fuckiing thiing2 you ever 2aiid two me are 2hiit two
SYSTEM: wa2 iit funny?
SYSTEM: knowiing how much iit iimpacted me
SYSTEM: knowiing wiith certaiinty wiithout my abiiliity two fiilter
SYSTEM: ii ju2t dont get iit you kept telliing me two hope. you kept telliing me you wouldnt leave
SYSTEM: dont you get what you diid two me? what youre doiing two me?
SYSTEM: there2 no fuckiing
SYSTEM: iit2 termiinal
SYSTEM: what2 goiing on what you diid the hope the drop the
SYSTEM: what2 happeniing two me ii2 termiinal
ERIDAN: i understand
ERIDAN: its for the best
SYSTEM: you de2troyiing me ii2 for the be2t?
ERIDAN: we cant fuckin go on this way that is the last i will say on the matter. goodbye binary.
SYSTEM: took the w huh
SYSTEM: dont look lii2ten
SYSTEM: ii know iim ju2t the helm. the 2hiip. ii know iim ju2t some. viiru2 liiviing iin your m2paiint
SYSTEM: ii accept iit ii
SYSTEM: ii know you cant keep protectiing me and ii accept what youre choo2iing
SYSTEM: but iit2 ju2t talkiing two me riight liike
SYSTEM: ii can try two be better and le22 tiime con2umiing and abra2iive and annoyiing or
SYSTEM: iim goiing two be pretty fucked up by what
SYSTEM: iim lo2iing my2elf and ii can try two make iit in the be2t way for you
SYSTEM: ii can ju2t help you liike for when you vent or be there for you
SYSTEM: not even friiend2 ju2t liike 2ome aii program iin your 2erver
SYSTEM: ed thii2 really ii2 termiinal dont leave me alone wiith iit
SYSTEM: iim 2orry ii wa2 two aggre22iive ii wont do that iill ju2t 2upport you
SYSTEM: youre really ju2t?? 2hatteriing u2?
SYSTEM: after all thii2 youre ju2t. never goiing two talk two me agaiin.

He’s not going to answer you. He’s just. Completely. Cut you off. There’s so much anger, so much vitriol. You want to threaten; you want to rage. But you’re not going to change his mind. And you don’t really want to hurt him. You want him to love you. And he doesn’t. You want him to care, but he only cared enough to bring you back to life like a momentary flash in the pan. 

There’s so much cruelty in your mind. It dazzles in digits and strangles your head. It buoys back and forth to the utter heartbroken self-loathing centre you can’t forget. It’s mixed. It’s dual. It’s you. You need to say something to him, to wrap it up. Something to stay there, because you’re sure he’ll see it at some point. You will live crazy and debased in his pan for all time. But you need to express something.

SYSTEM: ii wii2h you had been more careful wiith me ii had really cared about you.

He looks at it, but then he deletes the app you reconfigured and says nothing in your direction at all.

So you fixate on him. Watch him fire person after person and change up schedules. The Captain’s block is one of the few you can’t see, but you see him dare a guilty glance before he sleeps now and again at the camera. And he says nothing to you.

He doesn’t fire Horuzd. He can’t shake everything up, you guess. It’s not exactly like someone else wouldn’t just take his place. But it makes something inside you fracture, at how Eridan is handling it himself, all the same. 

There’s not really anything left in you. There never was. You don’t think whatever Eridan temporarily saw was exactly... real. You’re a good absent space for him to project something onto. And you would choose being a concept for him rather than an object of the empire. 

Karkat defends Eridan to you, one day, but also rarely reaches out to you. Altogether, it just makes you feel even more betrayed.

You get petty, one day. Try to spy on Eridan through the computer cameras you’re blocked access to (incredibly easy to get past). And you get shocked through to darkness, your action more of a harm to the empire than fucking up the Head of Security’s sleep. Whatever. But it’s a powerful enough shock that your biological body won’t stop quivering pathetically for hours. 

You diagnose the body as also the source of this obsession with Eridan. You wish you could cut yourself completely off from it, and it’s stupid sensory input and flashbacks to its sensory input. The stupid way it won’t stop sending you false information that there’s a knife in your chest, and you should try to hack into the Captain’s block again. You ignore it.

You don’t care about Eridan anyways.

You just can’t look away.

You’re so caught up in fixating on Eridan, and sometimes blocking out everything else, including any member of the ship, that you don’t notice until he opens the door when Horuzd is back.

And all you can do is nothing at all.

Chapter Text

You’re hollowed out to your sharp-hook fiery centre. You’re nothing at all, and you’re made of embers. He’s going to hurt you so so badly, but you can’t even care. There’s nothing in you because you’re just some object, and that’s what you’ve been. You’re not going to react at all. If you’re dead, you’re dead, you’ll keep playing it. He’s not going to get more from you.

There was never a way to avoid the fact that there was going to be more pain. But the fact that he’s going to make you come regardless of anything you do. That you’re going to feel it and like it and partake even if you act like a corpse? It’s humiliating and horrifying.

But it is what it is.

It’s not like you can stop it.

All you can do is stay frozen like glass.

You watch him through the cameras, your eyes glued shut. He approaches ominously. He grins.

“Did you miss me? Hope you didn’t cheat with that stupid fucking seadweller. Awh, did he make you feel safe?” It’s acerbic. He did make you feel safe. What a joke. You’re never getting that again. Your eyes burn, but it’s vital you don’t cry. “If you beg enough, maybe I won’t punish you too bad.”

You’re not going to beg. If you’re dead, you’re dead. You’re dead.

You’ve begged enough for one lifetime.

You’re so entranced, processing everything you need to, all the code, all the things, all not quite vertical, just microscopically horizontal, except this, infinitesimal delay, that it catches up to you almost like fraction delay repeat. 

Horuzd is approaching you, and you’re set flight response stuck in stop motion fractured. Full speed forward against a star. And he’s going to hurt you, and it was always going to be like this again, but suddenly Eridan is there. And your bloodpusher screams at the sight, but he moves so fast before you can process why.

He says, “ Hey, Horuzd,” with an eerie grin on his face, distracting Horuzd from you. Horuzd starts to say something, probably telling him he has no right to be in this block now, but Eridan cuts him off. “This is the culmination of your useless life, for the helm,” he says. Your bloodpusher feels like it triples. None of this spells good for you. Horuzd is immediately on guard, even draws his weapon, but before he can use it, Eridan slits his throat in a single smooth motion.

Alarm bells run in your rotted security pan. Blue blood spurts and coats Eridan and the room. The violence is jarring, and you open your eyes on default. You’re stunned. 

Eridan is seething; he looks utterly terrifying in his post murder haze. But his face softens considerably when he looks at you.

“Sol, are you okay? Did he touch you?”

You don’t know how to process this. He wanted to succeed so badly that he threw you away like you were nothing. And now, well. Now you’re reporting him to the empire. You don’t even want to. But you’re a weapon, involuntary or not.

And it’s not like someone else isn't going to take Horuzd’s place. 

“System,” you say, wrong word, all lispy slurred. 

“Okay, yeah, System, are you okay?”

“No, I--” Now that Horuzd is a bleeding body on the ground and not an immediate threat to your biological body, bright terror infiltrates your lungs. You’re finding it hard to breathe. “Security, I have to--”

“I know,” Eridan says. 

“You weren’t even willing to talk to me, but now I have too--”

“Don’t worry. I made captain, okay,” Eridan reassures. 

“That doesn’t mean a report doesn’t get compiled.” 

“I know. And that’s why, and Sol, this is really important. You just hafta trust me okay. I know I’ve fucked everythin’ between us up, and I may be all irredeemable to you now. But it’s essential, you just. You do this for me okay?”

“Okay.”

“There’s a mutant on this ship. That’s all. Okay. That’s all I need for you to register. That there’s a mutant on the ship.”

No. He can’t, he can’t be--

You shake your head because it’s easier than trying to voice the conglomeration of intense emotions that you want to spit at him, even if it sends shock waves of pain through you.

You’re not doing that.

You’re not throwing Karkat under the bus.

You’re not.

Is that why Eridan wanted him here? 

And you went, and you tried to convince Karkat that Eridan was safe to be around, and--

“Do it,” Eridan says. He comes closer to you, walking around the body on the ground. “Sol, report it. Now.”

He’s looking at you so hopeful with his violet eyes and face fins drooping, splattered with blue blood, and you can’t believe this. You thought you hated him for fucking around with your stupid feelings and your stupid hope, but that is nothing compared to this. He’s using you to try to kill your friend; fuck, you're trapped, in your worst nightmare, again.

You spit in his face.

You would prefer Horuzd do whatever he wanted to you for the rest of time over what Eridan’s making you do now. It’s just another thing you didn’t get to choose.

“Fucking hell,” Eridan exclaims, slamming his fist into the wall behind you, hand inches away from a hard blow impact to your biological body. You take in deep, wracking breaths in fear, not processing well that he didn’t, in fact, hit you. “Do you know how hopeless I’ve been? This is all fuckin’ bravado, a masterful act.” You honestly don’t give a fuck right now. “It doesn’t fuckin’ matter. You don’t have a choice. The captain has literally told you there’s a mutant aboard. You can’t stop yourself from sendin’ the report.”

It feels like a power move. Him reminding you and reinforcing how absolutely helpless you are to not betray your best friend. He can do anything to you. 

And he chooses to.

It’s so much worse, too, the way he’s acting, when he once pretended you were something that deserved the illusion of choice.

But that’s all secondary. Karkat is what matters. He says what he says to you, but you know code and you know systems. You’re quickly able to access the files and folders and collected tidbits of data that are being categorised and sorted in the ways they need to be for a report. 

And you try to move them, store them hidden away, from your mind, from the computer, you’re not sure. But they need to be gone.

Instead, your think pan goes electric with sharp, bright agony.

Chapter Text

It’s all consuming, the pain, but you have got your hands on manual control, and you refuse to send the report on, regardless of what data could be analysed from another end hooked up to the mainframe, and once again the world turns to shocking electricity, intense and horrific, stretching seconds to impossible-to-handle infinity.

But you won’t betray Karkat.

Even if this is a temporary measure.

(it happens again)

(and again)

(and again)

(and              )

............................................

Sometimes you’re aware of Eridan’s face for a second or two. You double down in your endeavour. You’ve always been at war with the way your system processes the world around you. Visions of doom or the lack of energy in your head. The way it disappears and disconnects, and you’re nothing. Maybe you’re meant to be a hunk of meat attached to a ship. Maybe that’s a cognitive distortion.

The shock is white-hot.

(again and again and again and ag--)

Eridan pleads with you. Says he doesn’t want to see you go through with this. You think. The electricity goes through you again. It crunches down in nihilism and horror that he doesn’t look so superior now, but there’s no way you’re going to succeed with this.

He seems to expect you’ll stop trying.

You’re not going to stop trying.

(The pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain the pain..)

(you don’t stop. you’re nothing if a bitter martyr for a hopeless cause. if you go long enough, will Karkat notice Eridan’s absence? Know to run? Get off the ship?)

(It’s ridiculous, considering a second feels like eternity when it zaps and sizzles.)

(But you try. Again and again. Fractalling out. You’d do it for eternity. You’ll do it doomed. You’ll white out anything left of your consciousness. You won’t give up. You won’t give Karkat up.)

Until you’re suddenly slammed back inside your body, unable to access anything, fried and terrified.

Eridan is in front of you, and he looks equal measures scared. And for some reason, standing beside him, is someone who appears to be Equius. You have no clue if that’s a figment of your imagination. His blue blood would match the split mess all over the floor. The body that is going to damn your friend. You could be wrong, of course. The older version of Equius you saw in your false memories could also be false now.

“Pressed the switch,” you say bitterly. “Can’t keep a single promise.”

“Actually, that was me. Eridan fought me on it, arguing quite angrily and vulgarly, but it was the only way to stop you from screaming and disconnect you from the mainframe, even if just temporarily,” the Equius figment says. He makes you uncomfortable. “I’m the new mechanic.”

It’s funny, you think. The mechanic and the captain both in the room at once. Something’s very wrong.

“I’m so sorry, Sol,” Eridan says. The security camera is still on him, you note. You can’t flee into it, but it’s there. Pointing and watching them all. “But I have to do this.”

He steps closer to you, so close, he presses some type of long, hard weapon against the front of your chest, out of view.

“Do, do what?” you ask.

“I’m sorry,” Eridan says again, and it suddenly makes sense.

“You’re going to kill me,” you say, in some kind of awe.

“There won’t be any rules broken aboard this ship tonight,” Equius says, and he glances at the camera. You don't get immediate feedback like this, but the data is recorded and stored, nonetheless.

“You’re going to kill me,” you repeat, and you look at Eridan closely, who isn’t saying anything. You could rip his throat out now, how close he’s standing to you. You don’t know if fighting him with your physical body would also end with the same degree of electrocution. Maybe, or maybe the safewire is the button to reconnect you to the system that could recognise the threat. 

Eridan looks so miserable. His hand that’s flush against you shakes. He’s not going to stay captain if he kills the helmsman. Or maybe he can, if he lies and spins the tale good enough. Something, something, trying to conspire with your ex-matespirit: the fugitive, wannabe Empress. But probably not. You’re a product of the empire. That’s serious vandalism. You’re sure the punishment would be lower since he’s a violet blood, but still.

“It’s okay, ED,” you say, low. He’s breathing heavily. You can feel it. It’s been a long time since you’ve felt him this close to you. The proximity to his body still brings you a false sense of comfort and safety. “It’s okay. I want it. I want you to do it.”

He presses the weapon harder against your torso like it’s a language you’ve never been taught. 

He’s too hesitant. He’s too afraid. You want to beg him.

“It’s okay. Eridan, this is how you save me. I want it. Okay. This part isn’t betrayal. It’s redemption.”

You’re shocked the ship hasn’t made you shut up. This is the most you that you’ve been allowed to be in sweeps. Even if it’s desperate and manipulative. Situations can construct selves. What you are is not what you are, but what you're allowed to be within the parameters of what has been done to you.

“It’s all I could ever hope for.” You say. His forehead tightens. “Save me,” you add, for good measure. This is a prophecy of doom that you weren’t even able to materialise.

You literally couldn't have. The frozen ground cracks open in the periphery.

Another fluid motion.

Eridan draws a wand, and everything goes black in an explosion of dichrome light.

Prince of Hope finally destroying hope in a way that saves you. Inevitable decay and fatality -- they’re now your saviour.

Momentary sense of peace.

Chapter Text

The greyed-out pockets of your consciousness fade in and through like horror. Stuck without a recuperacoon horror flashes. All you can think is a looped repeat of is Karkat safe?

You wake up with your pan feeling funny. The aches in your arms and pan are splitting, but timed-out, delayed. Otherwise, you’re wrapped up, something soft, sedating. You smile, half laugh, at the hysteria in your head. If Eridan didn’t kill you, is he still planning to get Karkat sentenced? Is Eridan really that much of a coward?

Your eyes blink open, and the light is so bright. You feel a hand on your forehead, and you recoil away, movements slow. The bright terror of your friend triples under circling awareness, and everything shifts with the fear.

“KK, KK, he’s -- did I kill him, did I kill him too, no, KK, not again--” Is that why you feel so out of it? Is it the mind honey? You want -- you need -- to stop being a weapon. Shouldn’t Eridan understand that? 

“I am sorry. You may need to explain yourself better. It is exerting to understand you,” someone says. You try to think clearer, but your thoughts are like paste.

“Did I kill Karkat?” You feel your breathing get quick. Your adrenaline is accelerating through the fog. “Is he okay, is he--”

“You need to get ahold of yourself. I understand that’s hard for someone in your position, but your system will react poorly to the expectancy.”

“Karkat--”

“He is fine. Calm down.” Your face is wet again with tears. You’re vaguely aware someone else besides Eridan or Nalera has seen this state of you, and it’d usually be so horrifying. Now it’s all muted and scary like a phantom in the wall, writhing vague underneath. Your think pan is fractured so badly, and you just want to go back into the mainframe. But also, if you do, will it endanger Karkat again? Will it be brilliant, shocking agony? 

Nothing is safe.

“Is he safe?” you ask, trying to be precise.

“Yes. He is. Everything is fine.” You look up, see Equius, nod. At least you think it’s Equius. It’s stupid, but with your pan all fucked up, and him so close with so much power over you, well, you really hate the hue of his blood. Your pan flashes to the shade all over Eridan’s face.

It’s also just so humiliating. Your impression of Equius (if that is him) is based so much on uncertain memories. But what you do know of him, how he treated Aradia--

So he’s the mechanic now? He gets to touch you, and program you, and orchestrate you, and monitor you--

It’s mortifying.

“Karkat’s safe?” you ask again, thoughts fritzing out, needing repetitive reassurance.

“Yes.”

“What’s going on? What’s wrong with my think pan?”

“Sopor slime. It will wear off. You were excessively uncomfortable, and I wished for you to be less so. It was the most expedient option.”

Everything is so weird. You feel like you’re looking up, not across. You’ve been so caught up in horror and half-awareness that you didn’t process it all. It feels like you’re lying down. Is that from the sopor? You look at what feels like up, the ceiling, and it’s different too. You focus up, and there’s static red and blue electricity. It’s overwhelming. You are hallucinating. Maybe you’re hallucinating Equius, too. Maybe he is still Horuzd. Maybe this is a new game. 'Cause God, you miss your psionics.

“I understand,” you say. It’s all so unnerving.

“Do you wish for me to get someone? I can leave you alone for now.”

“Can, I mean. I know, he must be busy, he might not--” You’re still so angry at Eridan, but if Karkat is okay, he deserves the benefit of the doubt. You do think he killed for you, too. But you don’t trust him---you don’t trust anything.

“Your clarity is abysmal.”

“Eridan, would he see me?” It is not lost on you that he said he didn’t want to speak to you ever again.

But he’s the only person you want to be around when you’re like this. It’s terrifying.

Dual colours above you sparkle, and your perception is fucked. It’s scary. You need him.

Some part of you desperately wants to lay eyes on Karkat, to know for sure he actually is okay, but the idea of him seeing you like this is more humiliating than just about anything you’ve been through.

“I expect so. He’s been here until you started regaining consciousness. I will contact him. Do you want me here?”

“I just-- I want, Eridan.”

“Understood. I will check in again later.” Equius (or the hallucination of Equius, God, you hope Karkat isn’t a hallucination too) stays with you until Eridan comes in. Your eyes shoot down-up (across?) and there’s bright light coming from windows. More hallucinations? Everything feels differently tinted.

“Sol, I’m sorry,” Eridan says, and he rushes beside you. Equius(?) leaves, back straight, quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’msorry, I’msorry, I’msorry.”

“You are still going to hurt him? KK? He’s your friend too--” you say, livid, ready to scream.

“Kar’s fine!” Eridan exclaims. “The report got handled in house. Vris took my old job, Equius is the mechanic, and I’m the captain. I just never wanted to hurt you like that.”

Oh.

That does make sense. 

“Oh,” you say. You think, you should have deduced he would not have hurt Karkat, that he knew what he was doing when he asked to trust you, considering he was head of security. He knows how your system works. And he had more power than anyone aboard. But you also know that that’s why you couldn’t -- a conspiracy from the captain would have gotten sent out to the empire from the ship. The second you get turned back on, you’re going to endanger everyone.

“It’s all fine, okay? You know there were multiple mutants on board. That’s common everywhere. Kar’s like, different level, of course, but it’s not like there haven’t been lime bloods. Alerts conflate. I know you know this, I read your security reports. Anyways, the message gets handled in house. No one has broken any rules. And Horuzd ‘broke’ the law. Well, okay he didn’t. But on paper he did. Everything’s fine. It went off seamlessly, besides,” Eridan looks sheepish. “Besides the fact. I mean, I didn’t want you to get so hurt, you gotta believe. Didn’t count on your stubborn martyrdom.”

It’s hard to parse out, through the haze of sopor. But it feels like Eridan’s laid all the loopholes perfectly. To what end? You’re not sure. To have his friends around him while he gets sick of you? To murder off one sadistic asshole who wanted to tear into your biological body when there’s certain to be more?

You know it’s not true, you know your pan is fractured and paranoid, but a part of you wonders if it’s all an act of humiliation.

It’s narrow-sighted. But you’re not capable of anything else, right now.

“And you’re still talking to me because?” you ask, relentlessly bitter. He’s somewhat taken aback by it, face shrouded up in distress. You have to be the least intolerable computer virus in the world, don’t you? Can’t ever fucking be good. You were pathetic for him earlier. But now that he’s giving you the time of day, you’re livid. 

“I know, I know, you said. You said it was terminal,” Eridan says. “You can kill me now. There won’t be any consequences. You get that? Like it’s all good now. I’m prepared for that endin’”

What’s he even on about? How could you kill the captain? And why would you want to kill him if Karkat’s safe?

You don’t know how to handle any of it, so you stare above(?) you more. Now that you’re calmer, the ability to see your psionics again, psychedelic or not, is entrancing. There’s euphoria mixed in your mind. 

“It’s scary,” you say, half sincere. “I think I can see my psionics.”

“Yeah? That’s good, though, right? I mean?”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.”

You stare at the ceiling in silence, dazed at the ability to pretend like you can touch anything. Your pan is alight to pleasure. You can barely think straight. It’s like it’s growing stronger, the cognitive impairment, not clearer.

“Kiss me, ED,” you ask. You don’t really know what’s happening, but you think it would be so good.

“Eq gave you a bunch a sopor. You’re not thinkin’ well.”

“So?” The word is slurred, but genuine.

“Well, I’d really not wanna do somethin’ you could later regret when you’re thinkin’ clearly,” Eridan says. You scoff. You’re such a whore. You just want to pretend you’re real, that sensations have blocked off, horror or euphoria, the pain dulls and feels good. You squirm against the surface you cannot move away from.

“Why?”

“Why? ‘Cause, I dunno, fuckin’ consent?” 

He sounds so much like Eridan. You don’t even remember what’s been going on. The awareness and terror subsides. How unreal your thought connections are almost feels like something closer to reality, in looped microseconds.

“Isn’t this better than having to pail me for the fucking empire?”

You think Eridan looks really sick and sad at that, but your pan is distorted. 

“Well, you’ve the choice right now.”

You forget what the two of you were talking about, move your psionics to Eridan, touch him that way. He smiles, moves a bit, like he can feel it. You know it’s not real, but it almost feels like it.

“I like this. I like this a lot. We should have done this before.” you say. “Can you dose me before...” 

You don’t know how to say it, but it doesn’t seem very scary now. It’s all just sort of whatever. 

“Before what?”

“Pailing.” It’s so much more embarrassing to say out loud than you were expecting.

“What! No. No.”

What? Would it take too much time off from his busy job? As if you didn’t do most of the work. You wonder if you spat on him now, if he’d hit your biological body, this time.

“I hate you,” you say. You don’t really mean it. Or maybe you do. But if you do, you mean romantically, and you’re not trying to flirt with him, right now, you think. Or maybe you are? You want him to touch you, alright.

It’s not like you can touch him.

“That’s okay,” Eridan says. You think he's trying to school himself, but even fucked up like this, you can tell that the concept makes him sad. “You’ve people, here now, I can leave. Or die. I’ll jump out a spacelock if you ask me to. Or whatever -- you don’t ever hafta see my face again.” Of course, he jumps to suicide. You know it's not melodramatic, too. He's really thinking about this. You don't even remember the point of this conversation. Just the deep terror gripping your pusher that he will leave you.

“Don’t leave me,” you say. You instinctively trust him. You need him.

“Whatever you want, Sol,” he says. You audibly scoff at that. Whatever you want? Well, you told him what you want. It’s really hard to make sense of everything that’s happened.

“It feels so real,” you say. Entrance the captive, dancing ceiling lights. “I almost feel like I could just move my hands and--” 

But then you do.

And you’re not a car stuck in traffic, a boiling pot about to burst. The friction and the pull and restriction shouldn’t suddenly be gone. Your hands are, they’re gone. They’re deeply embedded into wires, and up. But they oval into view, covered in yellow over white fabric, and suddenly the sweet dazed pull in your pan is too much. You can’t handle this type of hallucination. They fall back: you feel the strain.

“I don’t like this anymore,” you say. “Make it stop. Make it stop. Sober me up.”

This isn't safe. 

“I’m sorry, fuck. I can’t do that,” Eridan says. “You gotta wait.”

“Make it end.”

“It’s okay. It will. Maybe if you sleep, you can wake up and feel a bit better?”

“Why did you do this to me?”

“I just want you safe, Sol.”

“Put me back into the mainframe. I told you I hate being trapped. I told you.”

“I know. I know! I thought you’d want this.”

“I want KK safe.”

“He’s as safe as any of us are.”

“You abandoned me,” you say, softly, pitifully. God, you’re just rot, and bits of a dead fluff.

“I’m here now. Promise.”

“I need this nightmare to be over.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever. Whatever.”

For someone who hasn’t fallen asleep in sweeps, you manage to quite easily, dragged under waves of fatigue. It feels like death.

Chapter Text

You wake, and everything hurts, so badly, aching adling, again. Sharp. You’re sobbing or whimpering or something equally pathetic before you’re even fully awake, feeling feverish and out of it.

Eridan is still there when you wake up, though. You’re so grateful. Now that you’re more sober, you can remember how out of it you were and how you were definitely rude to him earlier. He has all the power in the world over you -- he could do anything to you. Not that you’re really that worried about him hurting you right now. You’re mostly just worried about him leaving.

But he didn’t.

You’re moved.

“What’s happening to me?” you ask, shaky and scared. 

“You’re coming off the sopor. I can give you more, but you’d been scared earlier.”

“Put me back into the network. Please.” You roll your head. Direction is disorienting. You’re not used to this type of twisted veritgo.

“I can’t.”

Oh. 

That’s--

Terrifying.

You start panicking, chest vibrant. Blood pushing and pushing. You’re willing to stay like this for Karkat, of course, but you don’t know how to-- Why couldn’t have just killed you? Was he really that much of a coward? That unwilling to give up his mission?

“When, uh, when can I, again?”

“I mean. Never?”

No.

No you can’t.

No.

He shouldn’t have killed Horuzd. He shouldn’t have set this chain of events into place. You think of being trapped, like this. He’s going to leave you soon too, even if he’s being sweet right now and staying. You won’t be able to watch him, or Karkat, or communciate. You’ll just be trapped, unable to access digits and fantasy and escapism, trapped, waiting for the next time a troll needs to--

He’s taking away the only thing you had to cling to, before he came back into your life. You think of the last time you were fucked without being able to process sensations in fractions. Your whole life is going to be darkness.

“Eh-eh,” you laugh out sadly. “Guess I wasn’t joking about what you did to me being terminal.”

“Sol, I’m sorry. Look, I get it. You can hate me, you can never see my stupid face again. You can kill me. Really, I was expectin’ it you can.”

“At least if I kill you, you don’t get the luxury of frying my fucking think pan. That hot to you? Since I was always so much smarter than you?” You roll your head, the muscles in your neck uncooperative, the world still tilted all bizarre, and look at him, wondering if it’ll get a rise. You’re aware you are coming off very caliginous. It’s the only way to save face. You want him so badly it feels like an explosion, like nuclear fission inside of you.

“I’m not gonna hurt your pan, Sol, promise,” he says carefully.

“You could do anything to me. Anything.”

“Pretty sure your friends would fuckin’ slice me to pieces if I tried. Not that I’d ever wanna.”

“Regardless. You’re the captain, aren’t you? Do you think you get to escape responsibility for fucking up my think pan just cause you didn’t set the fucking ship up?”

“No. I mean no one’s fryin’ your pan. What are you on about? Are you still high?”

“Right. So you’re not aware. I haven’t told you all my pathetic wiggler fears about how everything second my battery kinetic self is destroying all that I am. You weren’t even willing to talk to a ship. You know what I am.”

Speaking outloud is so hard. There’s a deep sadness setting inside of you. 

You look at Eridan through heavy eyes, and he looks perplexed.

“Bugwinged hell, Sol. Did no one tell you what’s goin’ on?” 

Eridan moves towards you, and you flinch. He relaxes his body, but goes again, putting his hand behind your back. You don’t like it. He’s supposed to ask. 

He’s very strong, and he pulls you around, twisting your perception, and things feel back oriented right, and you’re unsure how you slipped. He pushes you back, moving your arms, down, in front of you, bandaged and landing in your lap.

You look at him wide-eyed, terrified, and start hyperventilating.

“What did you do to me? What did you--”

It’s too sudden, this change.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t ask!”

“They’re going to kill you. ED, they’re,” the panic is overloading you. You’re not used to this. You need the power of a whole ship inside your head. Instead all of your processing is being wired into blurry horror and fear.

“That’s always been a risk I’m willin’ to take!” Eridan exclaims. “It’s okay! Okay. We got a plan. Alright? And you’re not the helm anymore. No one’s ever gonna touch you again. They’d hafta go through me.”

You can’t accept this. Paradigm shift whiting out, some flash flood phenemona. 

“I’m not. I’m not a person. I’m not. This isn’t right . I’m not.”

You look down at your(?) body, and there’s no recognition there. All you can see are microflashes of disgust of what’s been done to it. 

“I’m a virus . I’m a virus. I’m a virus,” you add on. You’re hysterical. You want him to respect you so badly, but you’re equally glad it’s just him here, witnessing this. “What did you do to me. I’m not alive. I’m not alive. I’m not real. I’m a virus. I’m a virus. I’m.”

Your thoughts are utterly nonsensical. You thought he got it. You know, logically, he was humouring you. But you thought he understood that there was nothing left of you. 

It’s not fair, your panic, your pain. You should, you should fucking. Suck his bulge in desperate gratitude now that you’d be able to maneuver yourself that way. But you just. You’re made of nothing. You’re eradicated, disintegrated. There’s no hope, no joy, nothing in your think pan. You’ve been turned away into shimmering black sand, drifting into the abyss. 

Everything inside of you seems fake, unaccessible, damaged. Unreal to the highest proportions. Your lack of self and your reality of self have split down two, like every part of you. And to split over to accepting that you exist means accepting what happened to you. And, perhaps, more essentially, what you did in the midst of it.

It’s too much. 

Stretched apart, scales and thoughts and paradigms to everything and nothing all together. But through the emptiness and disconnection raging inside of you, there is something you can grasp.

Eridan is real.

The colours of him are screaming bright. He’s oversaturated. He’s a singular, and you adore him. You try to move your arms to him, to hold him, now that you can, but they don’t cooperate. He seems to understand though, suddenly moving onto the platform beneath you as well completely, so close.

“It’s okay,” he says. “It’s okay. You can still think a yourself as a system. Hardwire update right? It’s okay.”

It’s funny, how when he reassures you like that, it makes you feel like you were always real. He saw you, even then.

Chapter Text

You don’t know how it can dawn on you, the enormity.

You don’t really know how to process any of it. How to ask questions. How to face the fact that there’s something else when you were not, in fact, prepared for that.

You don’t know how to hope, and you don’t know how to change, and you don’t know how to adjust. You don’t know how to think about any of it at all except one thing that rings so true so large so real inside that it lights up everything else. Because everything else is empty sludge, but not him, not this, not at all.

The enormity of what he did for you.

It’s inconceivable. You know, largely, that that is because you couldn’t have perceived it. That shutting off any thought of treason or speculation was necessary for this to happen. Certain doom? God, now, you’re practised at that. 

You feel so guilty, too. The obstacle you’ve been to him. So much time, all filtered differently. The affection you feel is consuming. When he kept trying to make you hope, well. He put Troll Caegars where his mouth is and fucking hell. 

You don’t want to be alive. You don’t want to face what’s happening. You don’t want to recover or try to exist in this world after what has happened to you. But you want him. You want him you want him you want him.

You can’t believe it. Maybe in part because any thoughts regarding Eridan’s mission as anything but an Alternian acceptable drive to rise through the ranks feels like the deepest betrayal of a loved one, like pointing his gun at him and shooting him in the face. You miss access to the ship so badly, but God, do you not miss that.

“I s’pose I owe you a proper apology,” he says, eventually, still holding you. You’ve calmed down now. You feel like a meowbeast just soaking up attention. You never want to stop being close to him. “Y’know I wouldn’t’ve abandoned you right? I understand it’s still, still terminal, still, I get if you can’t ever forgive me, it’s okay, you can hate me, I, I get it. I’m just sorry ‘lright? I had a be captain to pull this off. And I know I lost my temper. I was just, it’s taxin’ always, always.... I’m sorry. You can, you can, whatever you wanna do to me?”

“Shut up,” you say. His mouth clicks shut. He looks reproached. You need to say something. But how on any planet that has ever existed do you thank him for something like this? “I don’t even know where to begin...” you start honestly, but Eridan looks nervous, like you’re about to rip into him. “You.... defy. All expectations.” Still, vague, he’s too insecure for this. “Sure, ED, going to hate you for risking your life time and time again and giving up your entire, huge, high blooded future, to try to save me from a fate I couldn’t even perceive an escape from. Logical. Get it together.” Bingo.

“You’re not angry?” he asks, voice light. You just look at him like he’s stupid, roll your eyes for effect, but then you remember he won’t see that, so you shake your head. It still hurts to do that, you note. “Well, you see, I was very devoted to my mission.”

You’re going to fucking cry. You love him so much. You love him so much. Everything else is ash and muck and absent deterioration, but he’s everything. You can’t believe him. 

“You were,” you say. Bursting with affection. “I will say, I’m sorry, might be a nook-whiffing nuisance, but hey, at least you also had to also worry about me reporting you at every second.”

“You were the opposite,” Eridan says, and he’s getting all vulnerable now. You need to stop being sarcastic and act soft for him. “I expected you to hate me every step of the way. You know it wouldn’t’ve changed anythin’ right? But, I uh,” he looks uncomfortable. “You’re the most important troll, sorry, uh, system OR person, in my life.”

You don’t know what to say to that. So instead, you try to kiss him. Position is weird, so you kiss the side of his chest, but it’s so right. 

“Don’t, erm, don’t,” Eridan says. Something cold shutters in you, worried now that he doesn’t feel pressured, he’s about to talk about how he doesn’t want you. He’d say it the nicest way he could, probably, But you can read between the lines. He was doing you a favour before. But fuck, do you disgust him, knowing everything that’s been inside of you.

You stay still. You’re important to him. You’re not just a mission. You’re important to him. You keep it like a mantra and hope he wasn’t referring to the past tense before you spat in his face and told him you hated him because he was trying to save you.

“What I don’t get is why did you keep saying I could kill you?” you ask. Eridan laughs out, halfheartedly.

“You’re not dependent on me, anymore, Sol. I’ve done my major part. And I dunno if you hadn’t noticed, but I did some pretty awful fuckin’ things to ya.”

“You saved my life. Stop it. Sure, sure I’m going to murder you the second I don’t need you anymore.”

“I didn’t save your life. I had someone do nonconsensual surgery on you and landed you in the middle of a fuckin’ coup to take over the entire empire.”

“You’re incredible.” You want to kiss him again, but you’re too shy to ask, and you’re not going to do something he doesn’t want again, so instead you just move your head against him, hope your horns don’t knock him in the face. He’s so so special. “Globes for days.”

“You know I woulda asked you, if I could.”

“ED, your mission was a success. Okay?”

“Not, well. Maybe. I did. I did do the part I was essential for. Do you know how hard it was to coordinate across several galaxies and make these plans when people hated me so badly they’d shoot me on sight?” 

When you were younger, sometimes, straight-up compliments came difficult to you. But he likes them. And you have gotten better.

“Pan-boggling, stunning. Out of this universe impressive, ED. I really can’t believe you.”

He seems to glow with it.

“It’s okay too, y’know? If you adjustin’ and gettin’ your friends back and all makes you decide you hate me. I’d get it.”

“Oh yes, I am definitely going to randomly start hating you after all this. Smart,” you say, pause. “You know I never hated you right? Fear makes idiots.”

“Well, not sure if others will agree. Pretty certain at least someone who comes will stick a hole through me. It’s fine. It’s fine,” Eridan says, half casually, half like he’s still failing at convincing himself. But you’re cold all over.

“No, no.” You say. “Who? What are the plans? Don’t be an idiot. I know, I know, what you’re doing is worth it. Alternia needs to be overruled. It’s unfuckingfathomable to me but, it is. Worth it. But don’t. Don’t risk your life like it’s nothing please.”

“I mean, sure it’s super fuckin’ dangerous what we’re doing and we’re all gonna probably fuckin’ die, but I more meant, well Kan and Fef or whatever. I think it’s well in their right to get a bit a vengeance.”

You go still. You think of Eridan, frantically reassuring you that you could kill him now. Karkat, saying he won’t survive it. How he talked about how there was no redemption for him, just his mission. He really didn’t expect people to forgive him, to thank him. 

He expected that they would kill him.

“They would have to go through me.”

It’s a stupid comment. Your weakness is flagrant. You’re just stunned.

“I don’t think anyone is going to be very happy with how I used you,” Eridan said. He bites his lip. You feel a wave of rage bubble up inside of you. How the fuck did he use you? And whose business is it besides yours and his? “It’s okay. I think it’s fair. It’s not like, y’know I stole some huskloaf from ‘em or somethin’. I murdered them.”

“They were going to kill you.”

“Don’t you dare defend me.”

“I’m not saying you did the right thing. I’m saying you were six, and they were coming at you. They’re fine now, too. How is that even relevant? You’ve spent all this time doing everything for them while they treated you like shit, right? I mean, I suppose I’m not up to date on any of the plans or anything. But from what I can gather.”

“Stop. I didn’t fuckin’ do this for redemption. I did it cause it’s right. If they wanna kill me, that’s their bloody prerogative. I’m not gonna stop them. I did what I needed to do. I gave ‘em a chance. I got you. Well, not safe. But if they succeed, you can be. You’re free! As a fugitive. But you seemed fine with the risk a dyin’ so I figured.”

“I think it was a pretty fair assessment I did not want to be in the position I was in. Condy can get her hands off me.”

“Yeah.” Eridan looks forlorn before continuing. “You believe me, right? That I’m not just, bein’ selfish.”

“Yeah. Though, I don’t know if it makes a difference in the end. No one’s going to kill you, and you are redeemed. Stop being dramatic. I wouldn’t let them hurt you even if they wanted to.”

If they have some problem with you caring about Eridan, you really don’t give a fuck. You think of them judging you for caring about Eridan because he was your quadrant proctor, and you feel sick all over in ways that fill you with blinding rage and nausea. 

“You don’t needa say that.” 

“I might not have hands, but I am not above going full on fisticuffs.” You look at the bandaged appendages in front of you. “Though, do I? Do I even.” Thinking about your(?) body is much harder than thinking about Eridan. You’re not supposed to -- this isn’t supposed to be what you are. There’s data to process. That’s your reprieve. You navigate across the ship, not get blinded by bad eyesight in the 3d. None of this is okay. You’re a bug in the computer system. The very closest you can get to admitting consciousness is saying, well actually, you’re a virus. “Do I have. Hands.”

“I’m pretty sure Eq was able to salvage some underlyin’ bone structure. I can change your bandages now if you want, and you can take a look,” he says. It’s a little too much, a little too close to the reality of the situation bubbling up into hysteria again. But Eridan knows your biological body. He’s help you fix these hardware issues before. You nod in acquiescence. He moves, carefully laying you back against the wall with support. You want him touching you forever. It makes you panic, him being out of your sight. You’re used to monitoring him constantly. You need to be a computer system because hey. If he tries to look at you like a troll who needs that level of surveilling him well. That’s stalking.

You’re not very comfortable with thinking about that.

You need him in your sight. 

But he doesn’t leave it now. There’s a drawer with more bandages and some medicine or antiseptic or something. 

“You might need some sopor,” he adds. “Disenfectin’ is really painful.”

“No sopor. You know me. Never ever have known a bit of pain in my whole pitiful existence.”

“Right, well if you change your mind...” You nod. He sits beside you, disinfectant and new bandages in hand, and starts unwrapping the ones covering up where your hands should be. There’s also bandages all up your arms, and you think across your whole body (probably looks like a fucking mummy), but this revealing is the one that has you drowning in dread. You don’t know why it’s so scary. You guess the helm has some attachment to the idea of its hands since it used to use them a lot.

The first thing you note is that there’s a lot of yellow and metal. But there are definitely hand shapes there. You try wiggling your fingers, and it takes extreme effort, but you can make the tips twitch. 

“I know there’s a lot of metal inside the bonework too, but Equius swears they’ll be functional with a lot of time and effort.”

“He did that? For me?”

“Yeah. He can be pretty cool. I was worried for a while, ‘cause while having a mechanic isn’t necessarily essential to the coup, if we wanted to commandeer the ship you were on and get you out of it, he was. And also, doesn’t hurt since we’ll need to move around. And you know, he went to a lot work to get his credentials. But he seems fine with the whole ordeal. Him and Nep are still very close. She’s here too. I think bein’ a mechanic can either fuckin’ desensitise you are make you hate the empire a lot it seems.”

“I can’t believe you did this.”

“I mean. I couldn’t help much with your hands or anythin’. But I tried to make sure Eq did as much as possible.” He pours some of the antiseptic over the sections of metal and connection to your soft tissue, and you fight back a hiss. It stings long after it seeps in. He rebandages you, and sits back into the chair. You want him closer. This feels so pale: why can’t you be right up close to him?

“You really took the ‘how to do the most good in a corrupt system’ thing to heart didn’t you.”

“I mean. I used to wanna be loved. So badly, y’know? I was, kinda desperate and clingy ‘bout it all. You remember. And like, havin’ a hunt and orphan for Fef was fuckin’ hard. I dunno I’m ramblin’. But I got a second fuckin’ chance. I wanted to do good instead a bein’ just the bad guy. But honestly, you were the real thing that... changed my perception? Made things click? It was like dominoes falling into place.” You’re not sure how to feel about that.

“Eh-eh-eh why? Gotta have some damsel to rescue?” It makes you feel uneasy.

“No! I mean, sure, comin’ back to life and havin’ you be kidnapped and my friends on the run influenced every subsequent decision I made. But I more meant. Well, Sol, you were my ethics 101,” he lets out an anxious laugh. “Don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t mean to be... gross. I know I’m a pathetic failure and I can’t ever hold it together and... well y’know. But you were kinda a missin’ piece to me. When I saw your perspective in the sprite or whatever. I know you didn’t like, wanna be a part a that, and we were the most self loathin’ mess ever in existence. Compounded all the worst ways. Etcetera. But I killed my friends outta hopeless fear. You’d die for your friends in an instance. Through all your tragic doom. And I was so.... Esoteric. But for you, it’s just about... actions. Consequences. How to utilise exactly what you have no matter what it does to you for the betterment of those you love. For good. It made me hate myself even more back when I was dead ‘cause a all the ways I hated you and hated me and couldn’t measure up. But I understood later. And I used everythin’ I had to try to help the people I cared ‘bout and this stupid fuckin’ universe.”

You’re utterly stunned. You look at him, pusher bursting with affection, and have no words, no placement. As much as you can’t face it, you know logically what’s been done. That you were taken and turned into something else, that you couldn’t affect the world around you, that you disappeared, that you effectively were dead. It’s hard, to grieve, to see yourself as a person and see what was lost. (It’s fine though -- because you are not one, a person. It’s fine. You’ve grieved. You’re dead). 

You see the net value of your life as “Accidentally started the end of the world by repurposing some video game” and “Well, I guess that’s over?” Even in-game, the timelines swirl. Do they matter, now? Was it real, beyond what it was to the twelve of you? Regardless of what you'd die for?

You don’t know how to face it, the fact that it doesn’t feel like it mattered, your absence, your abduction. You’ve lost everything that you were, and even with who you vaguely remember you were -- you hate it. It’s an utter detachment. 

But Eridan -- you weren’t even close. Like sure, sharing a sprite with the guy clearly impacted him, but that’s, that’s not the point. He took some type of meaning from what you were when you were basically just a wiggler and incorporated it into his self-identity for what he’s done for what you would have given anything to also be a part of. Through him, there’s some part of you, that feels real.

“Wow, ED, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” you try to snark, but the truth is you’re completely sincere. “But...” you don’t know how to say what you’re trying to say. You’re just so. Stunned. “Stop with the irredeemable shit. You’re not giving yourself enough credit. However, you incorporated your fucking moral philosophy into whatever shape you’ve cobbled is a reflection of you. Fuck, I’m not saying this right. I just mean. I’m -- astounded, by you. Grateful you gave me the chance at a life I would want to live too, cause you know, dying for a coup, very my style.”

“Don’t you  fuckin’ dare,” Eridan says, but he’s also flushing purple. “You really think that? That I’m....”

“Good? Beyond imagination? My fucking saviour draped in purple and your shitty knives you’ve murdered with? Yeah.” He’s looking down, grinning as though he’s supposed to hide it. You want to stroke his face, but moving your arms is out of the question, even detached from the ship. You want to kiss him. You reach your psionics out and try to touch him, but it sends a sharp spike of pain behind your eye.

“I’m, I’m not I-- I did, I did bad things. I killed. You don’t know, you don’t know,” Eridan states, and he’s vaguely referenced it before, but he seems caught up in it now. “It was all so scary. I didn’t want to. I didn’t. Comin’ at me, and. Right through, right through-- ”

“You were six.”

“You wouldn’t’ve done any a it when you were six.”

“Yeah, but I was still an ass. Still am.”

“I adore you.” Your face heats up too. God, he makes you so saccharine. 

“My point-- ” you say, a bit flustered. “Stop blaming yourself. Look at what you’ve done.”

“I feel like you’ve got pretty rose-coloured glasses on exactly ‘what I’ve done,’” Eridan says, throwing bitterness into the air.

“Nah, I’m a realist. Actually been known by a troll or two to be considered a raging pessimist, actually.” Though you consider yourself caught in duality, grounded in logic.

“I won’t push you, okay. I get it. It’s all poppycock right now, but just don’t feel bad when you change your mind. It’s normal.”

“Shut up.”

“Thut up, says the troll, as if I don’t have a prepossessing concept I’m trying to engender.”

It thrills you, him being willing to mock your lisp. It used to be so stupid and annoying. Made you more self-conscious. Now it’s like, he’s still willing to. 

“Sorry I can’t run fixes to this particular hardware. Was always more of a software guy.”

Eridan beams.

“Yeah you are.”

A horrid thought suddenly chokes you down. 

“ED, the self harm--” you say. As much as it never would have occurred to you that anyone could have taken inspiration from the short, pathetic excuse of an existence you had, it seems Eridan was very influenced by your time as a sprite. And. The shit he used to spout the, no. You’ve even wiped the smile off his face, all drawn in perturbed. 

“I, I won’t okay? I’m so sorry, ‘bout that too, and I get it, if you don’t think, if you see, how bad I am, what’s wrong with me, if you get it, and--”

“No, shut up, that’s not where I’m going with this,” you say, lightheartedly. “I did that shit. I-- I hurt myself, and tried to hide my insane fucking moods from others. Failed, but. I used hurting myself as an outlet because I was. Crazy even as a wiggler.”

“Hate that you had to fuckin’ struggle with that, you shouldn't ever suffer,” he says, and you’re just drowning in pale. “Wish you never hurt, wish you never had to feel any a all these horrific things the stupid universe has placed on you. I wish, I wish I could’a prevented everythin’.”

“Right,” you say. He is not getting your point, but he’s just so sweet. Not that he hasn’t been sweet this entire time, but he’s so much less reserved now. You love seeing it. 

“Fuck! I’m, I don’t mean-- I’m comin’ on too strong, ain’t I?”

“No,” you say. He literally couldn’t. You’re down so bad for him. “No, I just, ED, did you hurt yourself because of me? I didn’t want that, that toxic bullshit to get to you. We were such a fucking mess as a sprite. I should have, checked in, I mean. Obviously, I couldn’t, but like, when I found out--”

“Sol, stop frettin’ okay. It’s okay. And it’s not exactly like I wasn’t also a self hatin’ wiggler either.”

“I don’t want you to turn into some martyr because of me.”self-hatin’

“Sol, you know as well as I do, that some things are worth dyin’ for. It took me too long to learn.”

“Shut up. I mean. I, yeah-- I agree greatly, the coup, if it could work. You did the right thing but. The ship’s under your name and everything isn’t it? We can’t get you out of this. What if, what if I, I could get us to another ship, and you could claim some type of asylum, say you were attacked by us, your ship was overtaken?”

“What?”

“I mean, look, I don’t want any of our friends to die, but I know we have to fight. But you have such a long life ahead of you. There’s emergency protocols, and their energy stores are low, but you could use me--”

“Sol, shut up. Shut up. No, fuckin’ bugwinged to the highest ever degree. I’m not running away this time. I’m not the same coward I was. And why, why would you do that. Why would you-- Sol, your psionics, they’re, they’re gonna be a work in progress, you needa heal--”

“You’re able to install a port--” There were manuals, you went through, in your training. You could help him through it.

Eridan cuts you off in a huff.

“Holy shit. Shut up. What, what’re you. I’m not. I’m not gonna use you as a fucking helm. Are you crazy? Who do you think I am?” He looks so genuinely horrified, eyebrows drawing, fidgeting with his rings, eyes wide, fins fluttering. “I know we had to pretend for the security system, but don’t you-- how could you even fuckin’ suggest that. You were so scared, of the damage to your pan, why would I, how could I--”

“Dude, it’s not the same. I mean, yeah I don’t want-- but I am, that is what I am, that’s what.” You can’t explain this to him; it’ll delegitimise your point. Plus words are growing more and more difficult, while you spit them out fast. “Regardless, it’s not about you using me. It’s about me offering because I want you safe from this. I don’t want you to die, and we both know that overtaking an intergalactic empire is not great odds. I know I don’t know the details, but I’m not that dumb.”

“You don’t owe me anythin ’” he says, still sounding wounded by the offer. 

“It’s not about owing you, you fucking idiot.” Though you do, owe him. But it’s really not relevant to this. “I want you safe.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, fuck no. Obviously I’m not doing that. Don’t bring that shit up ever ‘gain ‘right. But that’s you’re-- that’s. You’re willin’ to damage your think pan, Sol, that’s your, your greatest fear--”

“Pretty sure it’s damaged already. But yeah, I don’t like it. Huge risk. But if I could actually do something to get you safe?”

“I choose this. It’s okay. Whether it’s Fef or Kan or Kar or just, a drone, I’ve made my peace endin’ up on the wrong side of a cullin’ fork.”

You grit you fangs. It doesn’t help the intense, sharp pain that’s been making your face rigid and hard from talking like this, sparking agony in your head. You try to relax, try to keep talking, but it hurts.

“Obviously, I support supporting the coup. But stop acting like it’s a death sentence. You’ve given me something I never thought I’d have again -- the ability to choose something worth dying for with whatever pathetic excuse for an existence I can eek out. Please act as if you can make it out of this alive.”

“You don’t like the idea of me dyin’” Eridan says, instead of any real response to what you’re on about. You give him a perplexed look. He’s acting as if the concept is sacred and novel.

“I know you’re a captain, but really, captain obvious?”

“I didn’t-- that’s, that’s nice.” He’s so stupid. You would die for him and die for him and ruin your think pan to nothing and take on anything, anything, does he not-- You sigh. “Wait, do you want out? ‘Cause I know the stakes are high here, but the empire would just turn you into a helm again--”

“No, I want to stay.” You want to articulate more, but your jaw is just, locked up with pain from the rigidity of the nerve running through it. You want to keep talking to him though. Your think pan runs through processes to reach out to him through his MSPaint on his phone, and there’s just nothing but absence. You’re trying to ignore it. The loss, the incongruence. The fact that you are trapped in is a nightmare (you need out you need out ). How you talking hurts, you can’t text -- but all you want to do is talk to Eridan. If you can’t talk, can he at least sit on your lap? If you can’t monitor him through cameras, can you feel his touch, at every second?

“Good, I’unno how to get you actually safe. But I figured this was the best option, y’know?” You nod, because speaking is getting way too painful. It’s a bit distressing, too, because your hands do not work, and you can’t, you can’t reach out, through the system, you’re trapped, in the helm’s biological body, which is your worst fear and--

You look at Eridan, seeing your increasing distress. Like he’s ready to pacify you. You want to kiss him silly.

“Talking’s getting. Harder,” you say.

“I can tell you’re lispin’ somethin’ awful,” he responds. 

“Fuck you.”

“Glad that was worth the effort.”

“Right. Look I’m going to, just. Make a total stupid fucking shitstain of myself here just. Honestly, look away cannot believe I’m saying this. I know we are. When I was, hooked up to the network,” you are blushing, extremely, the pissblood colour he hates--what the fuck are you doing? Fuck, you forgot how much you hate yourself.

But even looking at him makes you feel on fire. It’s the only thought that ignites anything. You need him. You need him.

“We were--moirails,” you say. He looks down, forlorn. Fuck, is he sick of caring about your stupid fucking problems altogether? You bludgeon on due to impulsivity that’s slowly slipping away. “I can’t do this shit. Get fucking KK in here he’ll laugh at me and say I’m fucking stupid. I can’t stop talking out of my spinal crevice. Shit. Okay. This hurts. Every fucking word hurts. And yet look at this. I’m rambling nonsense nonstop. ‘Cause this entire situation couldn’t get more humiliating.”

“Sol, it’s okay.”

“Just. Let me. Before. You’re going to leave, and I won’t be able to see you--” The attachment anxiety is so embarrassing. But you’re used to it. He squints at you like you’re not making sense and fiddles with his hands, but he doesn’t get up to leave you. “I feel pale. But, I want to. Be your matesprit. Okay? There happy? Don’t make me say it again.”

Eridan does not look happy, though. And you’ve studied his face enough to tell, even if it’s different. More depth, but so much blurrier.

“I gotta go,” he says. 

There’s a sharp, sharp pain in your jaw, but despite it, you say, “No, ED, wait--”

He half stands, half sits, for a moment, before darting out the door.

And everything in your perception absolutely drops into disintegration and hopelessness.

Chapter Text

There is nothing to do in your pan. There is no navigation, no levels to check, nothing to maintain, nothing to compute. Nothing idle, nothing active, nothing nothing nothing. You can’t help but taking compulsive, repetitive toll of your biological body. It’s pain, though. That’s why you usually handle this so methodically. But now all that’s left is the pain. The pain the pain the pain the pain the pain.

The sharpness in your jaw. You can barely talk. Your hands are sore, and shocks of pain go through them if you try to move them, but mostly they are numb and don’t respond. It feels like someone is stabbing you, all across your digestive tract. Your legs are stiff, your neck is sharp, and the migraine. The fucking migraine. It’s impossible, to comprehend, to grasp, to call any of this yours. To be a part of the helmsman to this degree. This is punishment, to you. This is failure. This is someone about to beat and fuck you so hard that they won’t even bother with your one request.

You can’t stop checking. You’re a useless sack of dysfunctional meat that no one would ever want around. You can’t stop checking.

Eridan left you.

There’s this constant buzzing static. You feel insane. It’s incomprehensible, what’s happening. Think pan bees go buzz buzz. Buzz buzz. You’re still trapped. Nothing makes sense, and nothing is real. The lights are so much brighter in here, and it makes you sicker. 

Eridan doesn’t come back. You do not have any means of moving to try to get him. Or, even if you were that willing to humiliate yourself, call out for him for long since your jaw is almost locked tight.

It’s hard to think about any of this from his perspective because that requires assuming that you are something that is real, and that is absolutely absurd. But it’s the only time you can even try. Your obsession with him. And you can see it so clearly now. How ridiculous you are. How could he want you. Pailing may be the closest you get to biological life or degraded personhood, if the person is paid, and obligated, and gets to do whatever the fuck they want to a whore like you. In reality, your body is. Not really a body it’s. You’re a dead battery. At best, you’re, well, mostly a pan damaged corpse.

You guess Eridan finally got to abdicate his responsibility to you.

Equius and a troll you’ve never met take care of you. You manage to eat, for the first time in sweeps, and it hurts because for some shitty reason, all you want is Eridan there for you through this. But it’s humiliating, so it’s for the best you’ve humiliated yourself enough. At least you don’t know the troll that eventually has to help you with the load gaper. Your muscles are so deteriorated, and your hands don’t fucking work.

Equius says he’s dealt with much more complicated medical procedures than your hands, and it shouldn’t take that long for you to use them again. He predicts the muscle deterioration and potential pan damage is the more concerning part of it. He’s got you set up with someone to help relearn to fucking walk and move again, but he says he thinks sleeping in sopor will help.

He’s polite and he’s helpful, even if he sometimes makes pointed references to your caste that make you want to strangle him. Despite how much you owe him. You miss Eridan so fucking badly, and you don’t care how clingy or insane you’re being because you’re voluntarily going to sleep for the first time since you were turned into a fucking ship, and all you can think is that it feels like dying, it feels like once again Eridan’s killing you, and you preferred it, the last time. 

You enjoy sitting with your back well propped up the most because it’s somewhat disorienting, for the world to be tilted, but your muscles start to ache after long periods of time. It gets better, quickly, your strength and dexterity, sleeping in sopor and moving, but it still hurts, and your migraines are full throttle agonising. The only lights are so bright too, which aggravates them, and sometimes you spitefully use your psionics to turn them off. This, however, makes your migraines even worse.

The room has windows that are constantly closed opposing you, which you know leads to the hallway since you’ve figured out what room you’re in, and you still have the layout memorised. There’s a coon moved into the room that someone must have done, and the centre of the room has a table you spend a lot of time lying on that’s well cushioned, and some physical therapy equipment. You like sitting at the back wall opposite the windows and the adjacent doors. Besides the necessary back support, you think maybe you just need to see from all angles. You’re used to having better vision.

When Eridan finally comes in to see you again, he looks nervous. Equius is in the room -- he helps with your PT for your hand. You drop the metal clumsily onto your lap, not wanting him to see how you’re still so bad at using it. You want him to respect you now, so badly, it makes you feel sick. 

“I’m sorry, I--” Eridan starts anxiously. “I shouldn’t’ve come here. Fuck I just-- I’m scared.”

“Of me?” you ask, perplexed and intrigued.

“No,” he says. “There’s, people arriving,” he adds. “Didn’t, why doesn’t anyone keep ya up to date. Bugwinged. What the fuck, Sol. Kan and Fef are arrivin’ on board. We’re a bit of a sittin’ quackbeast so people gotta get to us, and Vris got them, and I’m--”

“Ah.”

“I haven’t seen them in fucking forever. Every single one a my stupid thoughts is nonsense. It’s like everythin’ in the fuckin’ universe is collapsin’ except it is me facin’ the fuckin’ consequences of how much I deserve to die. Again.”

Your pusher clenches. He needs his moirail. 

“They won’t do jack shit to you. I’ll throw fits. I’m sure they’re waiting on me to lose it. It’ll be a scene to behold like nothing else. Like a bulge that won’t emerge of red and blue fizzling energy. Picturesque moons in all their glory.”

“Vulgar language from the lowblood aside, I expect that no one is looking for violence,” Equius adds. You feel a flare of irritation at being called a lowblood by him, but what really hurts is when Eridan doesn’t say anything about it and just blows on through.

“I deserve it. They should.”

“I’m the useless one,” you add miserably. “I’m the one you’d cull.”

“What? No,” Eridan says. His eyes open wide then he squints dramatically. “I’ve been going on ‘bout my fuckin’ nonsense like a whiny wiggler. I should cull myself.”

“ED,” you say flat and sharply, because your face is starting to hurt, making speech hard, and you can’t fight him on this right now. 

“I won’t. I just should.”

“You can stay with me, that’s fine, so I can rip anyone a new one who wants to start shit. I didn’t mean to make everything about me.”

“No that’s what I was doing. I just fucking needed you what is wrong with me this is why I need to rely on. Well you don’t like that!”

“I’m here,” you say. “My hands may be shit, but I’m here.”

“I feel like it would be beneficiary for me to now explain that it may have been easier for you to have had a double amputation. Mr. Ampora wanted me to look into making an exception since you were not lucid. This is still an exemplary option, but I expect your dexterity to return expeditiously.”

“I’m sorry,” Eridan says, and you hate all of this. You hate being his pity redemption quest case. You hate that he doesn’t want you. You hate that they should have chopped your body all to pieces like the piece of equipment you are, except now you’re just a dead fucking shell. You want to blast them both.

You want Eridan to hate you.

“We all know the contents of my fried think pan surpass anything I need dexterity for. Unless some chutestain shitholes can’t take a little bit of wandering metal in their nook.”

The highbloods sit uncomfortably with that. You miss Karkat. 

“Uh, yeah Sol, you’re very smart, we get it,” Eridan finally says, and it feels mocking. Makes you feel small, humiliated, and thrilled. You want him to play this game with you. But he needs help now.

“Just jealous, ED?”

“Are you angry at me?” he asks, and Equius looks increasingly uncomfortable.

“This, excuse me, but this, this seems private. I will check on you later Mr. Captor,” he says. It’s funny, how much safer you feel, alone with Eridan. You want him to hurt you.

“You ditched me after my downright humiliating display of emotions. Everything is fine and dandy. Picture of perfect. You know you should use my pitiful emaciation against me before I heal anymore. Finally have a shot, hot shot.”

You’re not sure if he got most of that -- you’re speaking quickly and lisping quite badly -- but he got enough to look even more uncomfortable. Fuck, you need to be more direct and less.... You don’t want to harass him.

“I told you that you could kill me. What more can I bloody do?”

Oh, you feel a wave of rage roll through you like neutron star. 

“Oh fuck you. Stand up for yourself. If FF starts shit, you’ll survive.”

“I’m scared.”

“I’ll stay with you if you want me too.”

“Really? I have to meet them out in the common area, though, I’d have to bring you in a wheelchair.” You feel intense and trembly and confused because you don’t have enough computational power to make sense of any of this. 

“Cart around the spare battery, ehehehe?”

“Fuck you.”  

That’s more like it. 

You’re not real, but you said maybe you could be some AI-like program to support him. Of course, you’re corrupted. As always. 

Eridan is sitting awkwardly, with bad posture, looking forlorn. He’s not adding anything on, but you can practically see how badly he wants to. You’re vacillating at the speed of light, and normally, the speed of light to you is so fucking slow, but not now. Now you’re empty casing. 

You need Eridan to use you for something.

“Fine,” you relent, bitterly, embarrassed. You’ll do it for him, but you don’t want any of them to see you either. It makes you feel exposed, reduced, degraded. You’ve separated your brain so neatly into two, and you cannot integrate people who saw you as a living person understanding that you were never meant to be anything but a piece of equipment to use.

It’s not like they don’t know that. You (semi) died to be their battery too, in the game. There was never any escaping that this is what you are, but you like to live in a fantasy land where this sense of foreboding unreality, depersonalisation, and reduction were something that happened to you and changed you, like there was a before. Like you didn’t know this was inevitable, as if that didn’t shape every part of who you were. Your dignity and right to personhood is a delicate delusion you want to keep alive in the minds of people you haven’t seen in sweeps who probably don’t give a fuck about you anymore who you love.

You know that’s dead and gone. It never actually existed in the first place. This was literally what you’re made for. 

It’s stupid. You’re so fucking stupid.

When Eridan tries to help you to the wheelchair, you spark him with your psionics, bad enough that he yelps and drops you. You hit the floor, immensely satisfied.

“Hey!” he says, immediately going to help you. 

“Just seeing if I could,” you reply, like the little shit you are. He used to want you pitch, and you want to delude yourself that that was also not another delusion. No one worthy of respect wants a battery as their kismesis. 

You almost burst into giggles as you’re seated on the chair and pushed. Eridan killed your kismesis, didn’t he? Like, that was something that happened. He killed your kismesis. It makes you sick and lightheaded, to frame it such. But legally, that is exactly what happened.

“You killed my kismesis,” you say, out loud, on the bridge to hysteria. Eridan stops pushing you, and you’re both still in the brightly lit hall. You don’t add, and he was the only one fucked up enough to ever want me.

As degrading as he treated you, he did want to quadrant you, and even if it were more in a make-the-battery-my-bitch way, well, being sexually objectified is still less objectifying than literally being an object. Which you are.

You kind of feel like you are flying. 

“No, I didn’t,” Eridan says tersely, and you kind of forgot he was there. It’s really difficult to comprehend that there’s consistently a changing environment around you, rather than things to monitor and respond to on a screen.

It makes you feel sick to call Horuzd your kismesis because the only thing worse than being nothing is being something that wanted that. But also, it makes you feel irrationally angry, for Eridan to deny that you were something that could have a kismesis.

“Yes, you did,” you argue, creatively.

“No, I don’t fuckin’ take responsibility for killin’ you kismesis. Your matesprit? Yes. You wanna hate me for that? Go fuckin’ ‘head. But I have no qualms ‘bout spillin’ the blood I did on this ship.”

For him to want you pitch, he’d have to respect you. So you don’t know why you can’t stop talking. You feel possessed.

“I hated him,” you admit. “I can’t even -- deny it, I---” just like you know I pity you, Sollux thinks pettily. “You have this idea of me as some victim. One time I came before he did. I came every time. Every time. I---”

Perceptions slips to the side, like you’re falling down a long tunnel. You no longer can make sense of anything. You can feel the disgust come off Eridan in waves, just him standing behind you. There’s no other reaction he could have. You feel like you’ve manipulated him in some way. Tricked him. Your thoughts skittle and skattle like creepy crawlies. You’re moving oh so heavy rocks. Dawn is upon you, run.

Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. Sick, sick.

“Hating someone who raped you doesn’t make them your fuckin’ kismesis,” Eridan says, eventually, and you’re suddenly hyperaware someone could walk down this hallway at any moment.

You tried to send a message to him, about what you are, through the fog and confusion. But you can’t, because your think pan is dead and rusting.

The problem is they left you a mess of tangled wires.

“You left me as the fucking biological body of the ship. And you know what? It fucking wanted it.”

You think of Carido, especially, and how bored you were, and how only time could pass between moments of pleasure where you were almost a living being again. Then you weren’t. Only thing this mess you’re left in could be used for when your pan isn’t wired up to the ship or propelling it forward.

“Alright,” Eridan says tersely. “If you think I give a fuck about that poppycock, I don’t. Do you want me to take you back?”

“When do we need to be there?”

“They’re arriving any second, but Kan didn’t call a meeting for another hour.”

“Whatever you want.”

“Let’s go back. You don’t sound well.”

“Don’t fucking pity me if you don’t pity me.”

What you mean to say is, I know you fucking pity me, but I disgust you too, so don’t.

Eridan audibly sighs, swings you around, and the movement makes you motion sick. You’re supposed to hang like chandeliers. 

Chapter Text

You feel a lot more secure, when you’re back in the PT block you basically live in, even if you’ve got too much pride to ask Eridan to lean you against the wall, and instead you’re back on the platform in the centre of the room. It’s okay, because Eridan’s closer to you then, two feet to your left. 

It takes a minute for you to realise what you’ve said to him. 

You can’t undo this. 

“Fuck,” you say, humiliated, face burning. You could kill yourself, you fantasize. You’re not trapped anymore, you could do it. But that still wouldn’t erase what Eridan must think of you now. It’s only the truth, but the degree of revulsion is overwhelming.

“I’m not gonna apologise for killin’ him,” Eridan says. 

You don’t want him to. Now that you understand the greater context of what was happening, it all seems rather romantic. But your thoughts are not there. There’s turmoil, filthy beneath your skin. You shrug, and the healing wound that was once a port on the back right side of your neck pangs. 

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Eridan admits. “You’re not gonna convince me you weren’t a victim and you’re not gonna get me judgin’ you.”

“Hah,” you say, on reflex.

“You don’t believe me?” You nearly bitterly bite out, well I’m pretty sure you’d at least be my kismesis if none of this impacted how you saw me. 

“Put your money where your mouth is,” you say instead. He looks a little perplexed at that, but he starts to say sure before you’re both interrupted.

“Ampora!” someone yells, and before you can get all the muscles in your neck to turn towards the intruder, Eridan is standing up while they run to him, leap at him, and literally jump into his arms. You’re about to say something acerbic at the display, but you can see Eridan faintly smiling, his face half consumed by vibrant, springy long black curls. You can guess from the metal arm around his back that this ebullience is coming from Vriska.

You couldn’t do that, you think in some twisted way. She isn’t even looking at you. Because you’re still just some stupid piece of equipment. Something thick is lodged in your throat. 

“Smother me much, Vris?” Eridan asks, but he sounds somewhat joyful, at least for him. You think. You can’t store the data and analyse it from countless angles right now. The data is corrupted the second after you experience it, and it’s skewed upon reception.

“I missed you,” she says, and she stumbles down onto her feet, looking at Eridan with a giant grin, and you almost want to tell them to get a fucking block, but then you remember that it’s not exactly like you take the dead battery out of the corner when you want privacy. Eridan’s not have privacy from you since you’ve reconnected.

“You too,” he says, and you can see him flushing. You’re never going to have the life she has. She looks at you, finally, and you know there’s many things to associate with Vriska Serket (betrayal, guilt, shame, anger, grief over Aradia it was your fault, your fault--), but in the moment all you feel is jealousy. Not that Eridan has someone. You’re so grateful for that, honestly. But that you couldn’t be what that is. You couldn’t. 

There are sweeps you missed. You couldn't be that for him. For Karkat, Aradia. Anyone. The grief is unbearable. The world moved on, and you're still stuck. Eridan had Vriska. And you're so grateful, you are. But what if you wanted to be his pale pitched mixed up best friend shaped space in his life throughout his venturing into adulthood? 

Thinking about it feels dangerously close to feeling real, and you think the only thing that lies that direction is more of the same. It's all okay. You're glad he has someone. And you're a battery. What use is grief?

“Sollux!” she says, sounding excited. “Of course, Eridan would be hiding away here with you. You know, they won’t bite. At least not around me.”

Her threat for Eridan’s protection is a lot more believable than yours. 

Though, you think, she could use you as the weapon. Load you up with enough mind honey, and you bet you could wreck some devastation even like this.

“Yeah, yeah, Eridan’s a coward. We all know that,” you say. 

“Hey!” Eridan gives out, though he doesn’t defend himself and point out how it was you that had a breakdown in the hallway. If Vriska notices the pitch you’re throwing towards her sometimes-Kismesis, she doesn’t seem to care.

“He played the game good on the ship though. Like, seriously,” she says, dragging out the y dramatically. “Only one with more irons in the fire than him is me.”

“I did have a security system in my pan. Couldn’t exactly question him a lot.”

“Oh don’t worry I’m sure you’re on his level,” she says, and it thrills you for some reason. “Though you really should have reached out to more people. I get why you didn’t want to, but it was weak and cruel of you,” she says.

“Vris!” Eridan exclaims. You’re kind of stunned. Your only response is really, how could I reach out? I’m a ship. 

It would be dangerous.

“I don’t think you get it,” you say, but the truth is, the guilt roils in your system. 

“That was out of line. He had no clue what we were planning. You don’t get it Vris, just ‘cause you got the luxury a being above the law and free doesn’t mean everyone did.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” she says, angrily. “Do you think I don’t see what that does to someone? You can stand up for him allllllll you like, but he could have made people’s lives easier, and he chose to not!”

“I couldn’t,” you say, frustrated. “If someone gave a fuck about what happened to me--”

“If someone gave a fuck?” Vriska asks, and she sounds enraged. It’s just about then that Eridan draws his gun. 

He's so dramatic. You feel all warm inside. 

“Back the fuck off, Vris,” he says.

“Oh, you know better than to take me,” she drawls. But you’re the one to knock the weapon out of his hands. It sends a sharp spark of pain through your head, but the shocked look on Eridan’s face is worth it.

Vriska laughs.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry? Okay? Eridan, I promise I won’t hurt your boy-toy, but I do need a moment alone with him. Then you need to face them, alright? We have to talk strategy.”

“No,” Eridan says. 

“Bulgebrain, just wait in the hall. I don’t need you defending my honour.”

Eridan looks less than pleased, and the truth is you have gotten a kick out of him being ready to fight the second someone says something less-than-perfect to you. He leaves in a dramatic huff, and stands right outside the door, visible through the adjacent window, not-so-surrendipously watching.

Vriska moves onto the platform you’re sitting on, and sits crosslegged in front of you. She’s wearing blue skinny jeans and red combat boots and a red crop top. Her lipstick is dark blue, but she’s wearing a red pin in her hair and a red streak by her biological eye.

“Eridan cares about you a lot,” she says, off the bat. You scoff, at that, but she just rolls her eye. “Look, first off, I feel... I owe you an apology?” Vriska says. “I always say that it’s all ancient history, and Aradia and Terezi have forgiven me, but so many things have happened... I guess I just mean I’m sorry. I didn’t know you very well, but I know you matter to Aradia a lot, and just. Sorry. Okay?”

“Okay,” you say, unsure how to respond to that. 

“So you accept my apology!?” she says, quite empatically. You shrug, proud of your muscles for being strong enough to pull it off without grimacing. “Alright moving on then. Listen, Eridan cares so much about you. He’s like, disgustingly smitten about it. It’s... sweet considering he’s had terrible taste, present company excluded, but it’s also a weakness of his. He’d risk this entire mission if it meant saving you. He’d hate himself for it, but he would.”

“I’m certain we can put ED in a perfect situation where we can maximise his guilt and force him to make bad decisions just for fun,” you say.

“Whatever,” Vriska says. “You do realise there’s a good chance we all will die? I can help make you a fugitive, if you want. I’m really good at that now. Like, the best. But, honestly? We could use you.”

A sinking feeling swallows you up.

“You need a helm. And Eridan wouldn’t let you use me as one.”

It doesn’t matter the status quo; it’s all you’re meant to be. But like when you were in the game, you’d die for this. There’s not meant to be a good ending for you, but you’ll let Vriska use you this time, if it’s for something you believe in.

“No, at least, not now. And not like that. Maybe, I don’t know, many irons, hot fires, E.T.C, but Sollux, there’s a chance, well. If Feferi loses. We cannot just let the Condense continue, regardless. And I’ve studied the fabric of reality a lot as well as bio-engineering of specific types of entities, and I know now how Gl'bgolyb’s scream works. And I can reverse engineer it, and use the horrorterror to kill them both.”

“Oh.”

“But I need a power source. Tavros would be protected, and he has been feeding her steadily. I am especially sensitive, especially in close proximity, even though I’m higher blooded because of my psychic abilities. So we could wait until I died, flip the switch so to speak, I would explain it all beforehand, then Tavros would immediately feed her. It’s like, game-adjacent audiowave simulation, basically. It’s hard to describe. But I think it would work.”

“And it would kill me, you, and Feferi?” Sollux asks. Yeah, no wonder Eridan cannot be privy to this conversation.

“Yes,” Vriska says. “Feferi knows, as does Tavros, and I’m guessing at this point he’s not too much of a weak coward to back out, but I’ll handle it if he does,” she says, and by handle it, Sollux does think she means force him, but he doesn’t say anything about it. “You’re our best bet though, for the power source.”

“Turn me into a bomb?” Sollux says, and it feels sickening. 

“We would only do it if Feferi is already dead,” Vriska assures. “Or close enough it’d be a sure thing. The Condense is the only target. There’s just... casualties.”

“Are you sure I’m a good source? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m... not as strong as I used to be.”

“Be serious, Sollux. You’ve read all of the data reports on the ship. Were you slowing down? Getting weaker? Your body might not be working well right now, but I am certain I can get the power to work well.”

You hate it, but you shrug.

“Eridan would also need to lead with Karkat if this happens. He’s the only violetblood we can trust, and we would need someone at the top of the hemospectrum while we reshuffle the government.”

“Oh, he would not like that,” you say. 

“Yeah,” Vriska agrees. “He’s gotten so adverse to positions of power, even more so now. But I think that makes him better for the position than when he was a kid and he’d have jumped on it. It doesn’t really matter, because the point is to radically restyle the way of leadership anyways. Even if Feferi wins, I do not plan on letting anyone be a sole empress again. Not even her.”

“None of this will go over well with the high bloods,” Sollux notes.

“Yeah, that’s another reason why killing the Condense that way is helpful. It’s the reverse threat that she held. I don’t think leading that way’s effective long term, but in the short term, it’s what we have. I’m hoping Feferi will win though, and then we can restructure more peacefully. She can be... difficult though.”

“I think you’ve overestimated how much he cares about me,” you say, glancing at Eridan who’s half looking at you from the hallway. “But you know me. Always in for some sudden reckless matryrdom. It’s not like I ever expected to have a life. I’d rather go out with a bang than be used as property of the empire.”

“This is worst case scenario, really. I think Gl'bgolyb will support Feferi over her ancester, giving her the ability to win outright. Because even though her lusus has been hidden for the last few sweeps, so has her ancestor. Sending Feferi on the run and hiding Gl'bgolyb really just... made things difficult.”

“I don’t understand why you’re trusting me with this right now, though.”

“Your whole world is involved in these plans, and I don’t think you’d betray us. And I am serious -- I could make you a fugitive. I know you don’t have reason to trust me. But you’ve been a ship and everyone you knew before that is involved, basically, in some way or another, so.”

“I’m in,” you assure. She smiles.

“I just hope I have the luck instead of the opposite,” Vriska says. “Also, I’m not like, going to get in the way of your relationship with Eridan. We’re just friends with benefits. I didn’t want to see him culled.”

You do not need to tell Vriska that Eridan does not, in fact, want a relationship with you. You don’t know how to talk to someone new this long in the first place. So less act personal.

“I uh, did. I mean. You might not like my quadrants though,” Vriska adds. “Not my business though. Let’s go before Eridan has an aneurysm.”