Work Text:
Straight Smolderiing was just a normal person like everyone else.
He had to wake up.
He had to hydrate.
He had to eat.
He had to think.
He had to poop.
He had to pee.
He had to sleep.
He had to exist.
But there was one thing different about him…
He was, as his name implies, straight.
Now, not everybody treated him as an equal due to this. It is a cruel world, but in a world of gays and asexuals, he was othered. Not for his gender identity, however. He was nonbinary. But for his sexuality. Which was straight. How does that make sense? I do not know. He is not ‘heterosexual’, however, but he is ‘straight’. That doesn’t make the oppression that he faces correct, however. And today. He would join his people.
“Sup, queers.”
“No, we are straight.”
“This is true. This is… the Straight club.”
“That is so not gay!”
“Yes, Kylar. That is the point. Of the Straight Club.”
Straight Smolderiing was . standing there. He had just taken his first steps into the Straight Club. He had walked in on a jock introducing himself.
“Hello, everyone. I am the new member of the Straight Club. Straight Smolderiing,” he said.
“Hello, Straight Smolderiing! I see you are very… straight!”
“Why thank you, Anime Shirt Kid. I also quite enjoy anime, what are your favorites?”
“Uhm. I like, uhm… Neon Genesis Evangelion.”
“Wow. That anime is such a good escapist fantasy. For us. Straight people.”
“You are so correct, Smolderiing! Can. Can I call you that?”
“No. My name is Straight Smolderiing. Call me Straight Smolderiing.”
“My apologies, Straight Smolderiing, I am J–”
“Hey!” Interjected a blonde jock. “You’re one of them queers. Aren’t you!” He pointed at Straight Smolderiing’s pride flag on his phone. Straight Smolderiing straightened (haha, straight) his metaphorical tie.
“Uhm. I supposed I would be. But I am straight.”
“How are you a queer? But straight? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Well, your gender identity has nothing to do with your sexuality. I am a ‘queer’, but I am still straight.”
“Wow. That is very insightful. Thank you, Straight Smolderiing. I can now bully fags more appropriately.”
“Woah! Jockman, you cannot say that f-word! That is so… so not straight of you!”
“Wh-what! But I’m straight!!”
“Haha, but saying that word is… gay.”
“Oh nooo!! I… I did something gay!!”
“It’s okay, Jockman. You just have to do something straight. Like me. Straight Smolderiing.”
“What do… what do I do?”
“Something straight. Like me. Straight Smolderiing.”
“Oh wise, Straight Smolderiing, what straight thing would partake within?”
“Big words. For one of your vocabulary. No issue, I may teach you.” Straight Smolderiing pulls out a large white board from his pants. He has very large pockets. “This is you. Jockman. This is a girl. Pretty. Flirt with her.”
“Right here?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…” The jock, Jockman, mentally prepares himself. “Hello, dishwasher.”
Straight Smolderiing stands there. Flabbergasted. He does not know what to say. He cannot believe Jockman just said something sexist. Is he not straight? Does Jockman not like women? Straight Smolderiing’s jaw drops as his eyes bulge out of his head.
“What, Straight Smolderiing, did he say something weird?” Anime Shirt Kid said.
“Yes he did. You are straight. You should not disrespect women. Jockman, I am very disappointed. What would your mother think?”
“That I am getting bitches.” Jockman highfived the other boy in the room. Not Anime Shirt Kid. The other one.
“Your mother would not think that. I think you are gay. Get out of the straight club.”
“Wh-what the fuck! I would never… b-be gay!”
“Yes. You are. I diagnose you with. Homosexual.”
“N-no… no… noooo!!!!”
“You must be exiled.”
“COACH!!”
“WHAT!” A big man ran in. ‘Coach’. I think I get the joke now.
“Straight Smolderiing is calling me gay!”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE QUEER PEOPLE!”
“Nothing. I love and respect women.”
“WHAT??”
“I said what I said.”
“YOU CAN’T DO THAT.”
“But that is what being straight is to me. I love women.”
“BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE.”
“No.”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!?!??!!”
“Begone.”
With all the Powers of Straight imbued to him by the all mighty Gods of Loving Women, Straight Smolderiing focused his strength into bursting the coach into atoms. He died. The other three members of Straight Club stared in awe at his amazing abilities of loving women.
“Oh my god, this is just like my anime! Straight Smolderiing grew to another level and… unleashed his true power!!”
“Yes. I have. And you can too, if you actually respected women.”
“I-I respect women!”
“No.”
“Aw, darn…”
“Well, I might respect women?” Said Buzzcut Boy.
“Buzzcut Boy, do you truly respect women?”
“Yes. I come from a long line of women enjoyers.”
“Uhm.”
“What.”
“Okay, Buzzcut Boy. That is interesting.”
“HOLD IT!” Jeckole breaks down the door.
“Woah. Gay people. In the Straight Club.”
“Yes,” says Jeckole, “We are gay.”
“Okay. Why are you here?” Straight Smolderiing could not fathom why they were here.
“Braxton does not respect women!”
“Wh-what!? But women are my favorite… !!!!!”
“You made weird comments about Nicole!” Jecka stood proudly. “About her being a woman!”
“And it was in a quite racist way.” Nicole… Nicole’d.
“Yeah.” Jecka kissed Nicole.
“Buzzcut Boy, is this true? Did you insult Nicole for being a woman?”
“No! Noooo! I would never!!”
“You have failed. I knew it… You never respected women!” Thunder clapped, as Straight Smolderiing became fueled by rage. He loved women. So much.
“Noooo!!!”
“Begone.”
And just like the coach, Braxton disintegrated. He died.
“... Oh wait…” started Jeckole.
“Wasn’t that Trody?” Pondered Jecka.
“I can’t remember.” Nicole tried to think. “Whatever, they look the same. Close enough?”
“Okay. That’s fine.” Jecka was probably fine with that. She was a misandrist.
Jeckole held hands and walked out of the Straight Club. They were probably going to go and get high. And kiss. A lot. Gayly. Like homosexuals. How gay. And not straight.
The remaining two boys were quite terrified of the power Straight Smolderiing held. They started bowing and beckoning at his feet. They cleaned his shoes. And carried him around. By throne. This was quite the life for Straight Smolderiing. He became an icon of the school. He was finally accepted for being straight. From dragging Anime Shirt Kid and Jockboy around. They didn’t annoy anyone anymore.
Straight Smolderiing truly was awesome.