Archive of Our Own ^beta

May felt nothing. 

She'd been feeling nothing. People often called her a robot, an emotionless, apathetic drone. Especially after Bahrain. 

It was true, she completely shut down, pushed everyone away and repressed her feelings. But she still had emotions. She still felt rage, grief, loss… She cried herself to sleep, woke from nightmares shaking from anxiety and soaked in sweat, and punched her anger out on the sandbags in the gym until her knuckles were raw. She had emotions. Just not pleasant ones.

And as time went on and she reconnected with Coulson she learned to open up again. The three untrained kids on the bus became her kids. And she loved each and every one of them. Even after all these years they were hers. She watched them grow, practically raising them alongside Coulson.

Simmons, the petite, polite Britt with a heart of gold. Her other half Fitz, the jittery, enthusiastic Scott who completed her sentences. And Daisy… Her Daisy. The stubborn hacker who weaseled her way into May's heart with her ridiculous sense of humor and her compassion.

They were all she had left after Coulson…

They were her reason for still fighting the good fight. For staying with Shield.

But since Sarge, the bastard wearing Coulson's face stabbed her and the whole ordeal with Izel was over she woke up feeling…empty. Not with the sense of loss and grief she was drowning in after Bahrain. No. A perpetual…nothingness. She felt like she was hanging in limbo. Watching events unfold around her through the eyes of a stranger. Similar to watching a movie you aren't particularly interested in.

So when Daisy and Sousa went missing, May felt nothing. And she had a nagging feeling that she should be. She should be worried, frantic, trying to find her. Because this was Daisy. Her daughter in everything but blood. But she just couldn't find it in herself to really care.

So, May sat on the ramp of the Zephyr watching Simmons pace. Jemma's fingers tapping away on her thighs. Hands shaking. Muttering under her breath.

She must be nervous. She must not want to lose her. May thought absentmindedly. 

Simmons told the group that they could only wait and hope that Daisy and Sousa came back to the Zephyr before the next time jump. They couldn't afford to send someone out looking for them and risk them getting stranded again like Mack and Deke were in the 80s.

And so the team was scattered around the Zephyr, all hoping for Daisy and Sousa to hurry back. Waiting…

May must have zoned out which wasn't like her, because one moment she was lost in the blank expanse her mind had become and the next she was startled by Simmons letting out a soft gasp. May jumped up and stared at a car pulling up next to the Zephyr.

Time seemed to freeze as she watched Sousa jump out of the car. He looked pale, almost spooked which wasn't a look she had seen on him before. She glanced at his once blue shirt, now almost completely soaked in blood. He quickly limped to the passenger door, opening it up and retrieving someone. Presumably Daisy. Before May knew it Simmons took off down the ramp towards them. 

She felt odd. Out of place. She knew she should be happy that they were back but she didn't feel much of anything.

She heard Simmons shouting for the others to come help. Her voice sounded strained, worried. Mack rushed past May, taking Daisy off of Sousa's hands and enveloping her in his arms. Yoyo followed shortly, helping Sousa up the ramp. Deke started wheeling the healing chamber closer with the help of robo Coulson and Enoch prepared any other medical supplies they might need. 

May knew this should be important. She knew she should be with them checking on her daughter. Finding out what happened. Making sure Daisy was breathing. She watched as Mack passed her. She couldn't get a good look at Daisy but she saw the fear in Mack's eyes as he rushed past her. She heard Yoyo muttering what sounded like a prayer in Spanish under her breath as she helped a shell shocked looking Sousa further info the plane.

May frowned as she clenched her jaw, palms becoming sweaty and stomach churning with anxiety. Her heart sped up for a second just for everything to fade back to nothingness as the moment passed.

She shook her head to clear it and decided to make herself scarce. She wasn't helping anyone, she was useless, she'd only get in the way. She headed for the cockpit instead. She would check on Daisy after she was stable. She could wait, the others were worried and wanted to help. She… didn't know what she wanted to do.

A few moments later Sousa joined her in the cockpit. He didn't seem to notice her at all as he slumped into the chair next to her. 

She turned to him and he looked haunted. More so than she had ever seen the veteran look before. His eyes looked vacant as he stared into the empty space in front of him before leaning forward and putting his face in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. 

She heard him hiccup and.. was he crying?

May tentatively reached her hand out to him hesitating for a second before laying it on his shoulder. 

The wave of emotions that rolled over her was like a punch to the stomach. She felt unbridled fear and terror, whether it was for Daisy's condition or whatever caused it, May didn't know. She also felt Sousa's guilt, his grief, the horror of whatever he witnessed and the agony of not being able to help. The absolute helplessness of it all. 

She immediately retracted her hand and clutched it to her chest, gasping for breath. “What the fuck happened out there? What the hell happened to my daughter?” she gritted out. Trying to ride out the whirlwind of emotions she just gained from Sousa. 

Sousa dropped his hands away from his face but his gaze stayed on the floor for a moment before he slowly turned to May. His eyes were red and welling up. “Daisy and I…” he tried to say before his voice cracked. He stopped, cleared his throat, swallowed hard and tried again.

“Daisy and I were ambushed. One moment we were in the alley completing the mission and the next…” Sousa trailed off for a second. 

“The next we woke up in a barn. We had been tied up and drugged, Daisy more so, to keep her powers in check.” Sousa said, clenching his hands. 

“It was Nathaniel Malick. He… he” Sousa broke off again.

“The younger Malick? What did he want? I thought we cleared him as a hydra threat.” May asked, a bit confused.

“Power… During one of our previous jumps he saw Daisy use her powers. He wanted them for himself. He didn't care what he had to do to get them. He's become obsessed with her. They chained me up and took her to another part of the barn. And he, he cut into her.” Sousa said while gripping the chair. “He spouted some bullshit about evolution and how discovery requires experimentation.”

May froze at that. She remembered that catchphrase. It belonged to Daniel Whitehall. If this kid had any connection to Whitehall or idolized the fucker then she was scared of what he did to Daisy.

“I don't know what was worse. Hearing her scream, or the silence in between the screams” Sousa choked out. “I got us out of there as soon as I could. I swear May. I promise I did everything I could. I begged them to take me instead.” Sousa started rambling as if he was trying to convince himself rather than May. 

May listened as Sousa recounted how Malick tortured Daisy. How he cut into her to retrieve what he thought would give him powers. How Daisy was resilient at first, refusing to scream. How the pain slowly got to her and how she started crying out, how her cries turned to silent sobs after hours of exhaustion and pain, and how her sobs turned into whimpers. 

How she somehow managed to hide a piece of glass in her palm for Sousa to help them escape. 

May listened attentively at first but could feel the emptiness creeping back into her soul. The effect of touching Sousa was wearing off. And she hated herself for it. She hated how she could listen without feeling some kind of rage or disgust. She hated herself until she didn't feel anything at all. 

After Sousa finished recounting how Malick couldn't handle the power and how he managed to escape with Daisy and get back to the Zephyr the cockpit was quiet once more. 

May wasn't sure how much time passed until someone knocked on the door. She got up and opened it to see Mack's towering frame looking down on her.

“Simmons is asking for you. I'll take care of Sousa.” he said quietly.

May nodded and slipped past Mack, making her way to the lab. She walked to Simmons where she stood next to the healing chamber looking at a tablet. Presumably going over Daisy's condition. Simmons heard May approach and met her a few steps away from the chamber, blocking May from seeing Daisy.

“Simmons. How is she?” May asked in her monotone voice. Simmons took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. “She's alive…. She's stable. But it's not good May.”

“Sousa told me that Malick operated on her to see if he could gain her power.” May said 

“Yes. That seems to be the case.” Simmons said, slipping into her more composed doctor persona. May knew she did it to distance herself from the situation to cope.

“Daisy suffered numerous lacerations to her body. The biggest requiring around 16 stitches. She lost a great amount of blood as well as the removal of spinal fluids and bone marrow. It seems like Malick also took samples of some of her endocrine glands like her liver and pancreas.”

Simmons looked down to the floor and whispered. “May I had to try and stitch her back together. The healing chamber will help with scarring but it's not magic. It won't make it disappear. And I…” Simmons faltered. 

“I don't know how this will affect her emotionally. Sousa said that Malick kept her awake with smelling salts. Daisy is strong but…” Simmons teared up. “I don't know if she will ever be the same. This amount of trauma?” Simmons choked back looking down at her bloody hands. “Not after all she's been through. She was devastated after… after Fitz operated on her. This is so much worse May. It's too much for one person to handle. It's too much and I-”

“Go” May interrupted. Simmons startled a bit, snapping her gaze back to May. “Go clean up. Talk to someone. I'll look after Daisy.”

Simmons stared at her for a second.

“I'll call you if anything changes. Go”

Simmons nodded and made her way out of the room. May finally made her way over to the healing chamber, standing next to it. She finally saw Daisy. She finally saw her daughter. And… and nothing. She still felt nothing.

May started inspecting Daisy from her feet upwards. Daisy was in a loose fitting shield T-shirt and shorts. Her ankles seemed to have some kind of rope burns on them and her knees were bruised. May's eyes trailed up to the bandages poking out under Daisy's shirt. There were cuts, some longer, some shorter that marred Daisy's skin. She inspected the bandages wrapped around the hand where the glass was embedded. She saw others on parts of her arms. Her gaze trailed up to Daisy's neck where there was gauze wrapped around it.

Finally as May looked at Daisy's face she layed her hand on the glass of the healing chamber. Daisy was pale, her eyes looked sunken and she had dark bags under them. May inspected the red gashes and lines of neat stitches marring Daisy's face. One stretching across her eye and another across her left cheek bone accompanied by a third just below it.

May froze, because the image of Jaiying Johnson flashed into her mind. She hadn't thought of Daisy's biological mother in ages. But this is exactly what happened to Jaiying. 

Fuck. Oh fuck.

Jaiying…

She lost her mind and her humanity because Whitehall dissected her and left her to die. Because Cal stitched her back together trying to save her. And now Daisy and Jaiying had matching scars. 

This had to be some cruel, sick cosmic joke.

Funny Daisy, stubborn Daisy, sarcastic Daisy, endearing Daisy, loving Daisy….

Just, laying there. 

Pale Daisy, bruised Daisy, hurt Daisy, beaten Daisy, broken Daisy.

May's knees started buckling. This was wrong, all wrong. She wanted to see Daisy open her eyes, she wanted to see her smile, hear her laugh. Do some Tai Chi together. They hadn't done that in forever have they? Drink some tea afterwards like they used to back on the bus. 

May couldn't bear losing her. Not after Coulson. Not after Daisy had given so much to protect the world. Not after all the sacrifice and heart ache. Not after everything they'd been through together. This was not the way it was going to end. She would not allow this to destroy her daughter. She would not allow her to fade away and be a shell of the person she used to be. She would not…

May felt a tear roll down her cheek and saw it drop onto the glass above Daisy's face. Her vision blurred as more tears started streaming down her face.

Was she crying? Was she feeling these feelings? Were these hers? May let out a sob. Overwhelmed with all the emotions that hadn't been there since Izel. Overwhelmed with love and grief and fear. 

May laid her forehead on top of the glass above Daisy's face and closed her eyes.

“Come back to me bǎo bèi. Everything is going to be fine. We will figure this out. I won't allow this to steal your spark. I won't allow this to crush your soul. You aren't Jaiying. You're stronger. We will get through this like we always do.” May whispered.

“You're going to be alright. Māmā will look after you.” May promised. 

She didn't know how long her own emotions would stay. How long she would be able to cling onto them. If this was temporary. If it was permanent. But she did know she loved and cared for Daisy. 

And she knew she wouldn't ever stop caring.