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Chapter Text

Harry had thought that he finally knew everything about his parents. 

During the war and even after it, people would come and talk to him. They would approach him with a bit of pity, maybe a hint of terror - they would thank him first and foremost, and if they knew his parents in some way, they would bring them up. One lady had come up to him one day, she said she was four years their junior and admitted to having a crush on his dad. He didn’t know what to say. And in the next sentence when she said that he looked just like his dad, Harry ended up with a coughing fit. Spontaneously, Ron and Hermione broke into laughter behind him and the lady smiled at them widely. 

His parents knew lots of people. Their classmates, people from the Order, their professors. They would come up to him and tell them what they knew or thought of Lily and James Potter. Harry didn’t mind it one bit, he soaked up everything about his parents. He wanted to know their favourite colours, the places they shopped from, the teachers they hated - he would listen to each and everything.  

A few years after the war, he thought he would have known everything there is to know about his parents. He had met everyone. He went through all of their stuff, well at least whatever was left of it. But nobody had ever mentioned that their parents knew someone called Regulus Arcturus Black. 

Like knew knew him. 

Not knew him as Sirius’ little brother who became a Death Eater and betrayed Voldemort. 

But knew him as someone they kissed and held hands with??? 

He was truly flabbergasted. Harry was having a normal morning, enjoying his day off from his internship, with Ron and Hermione away at the Weasley’s when he got a mail from Professor McGonagall. She had promised Harry that she would send him anything related to his parents, Sirius and Remus. Harry wanted to collect and keep all the bits and pieces he could find of them. 

He opened it, the address said it was sent from Grimmauld Place. While looking through it eagerly, he found some stuff that belonged to Regulus Black, Sirius’ brother. It was none of his business, he didn’t know the other Black family member personally and therefore he had no right to go through or even keep his stuff. He shouldn’t go through his things… but.

But what if? What if there was something related to Sirius in it? Surely, it wouldn’t hurt to check. 

And surely, he wouldn’t have had an existential crisis about his parents if he hadn’t checked. But Harry being absolutely nosy, he checked. 

There were journals, some books and quills. One of them had R. A. B carved on it in huge cursive letters. He opened the book and a photograph had fallen out of it. 

It was a photograph of his parents, James and Lily, on either side of who he assumed was… Regulus Black? He vaguely remembers seeing his photo in a Quidditch photobook and he looked a lot like Sirius but with shorter hair and sharper eyes and… and… they were pressing their faces together? His father seemed to be holding the camera with a wink, face completely squished with the other man, as if he was leaning to kiss his cheek and not minding his wife who was holding the other man’s waist. The other man, Regulus Black, looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else. 

It was quite unsettling to see, Harry had to admit. 

They knew him alright. That much was obvious to anyone looking at the picture. Nobody could mistake that there was something going on with at least one of them with each other the way their eyes twinkled with fondness. 

Regulus was the only one who made any sense to what Harry was seeing. He clearly looked out of place with them, his lips caught in the battle between a smile and a frown. His parents were in their loud Gryffindor colours, Lily’s hair making the colour stand out even more. Regulus looked like he was stuck in the middle of a sandstorm. Everything about his parents screamed for attention - Lily with bright green eyes hidden inside a mass of red hair, James with big round glasses and a blinding smile taking over all the spaces in his face.

They looked happy, proud and so full of life. 

Regulus looked like a ghost between them. Grey eyes looking alarmed the camera. Even his green robes seemed dull along with his face. His lips thinned out except for a slight curl at the edge. 

The photograph had begun fading at the edges. It was probably taken using Lily’s muggle camera, Harry thought. One of his favourite prized possessions which was passed from his parents was his mother’s Muggle Trunk, full of things she used during her time at Hogwarts. While his dad did seem to have the most fun in his school life, with the Marauders and all, Harry was equally fascinated by his mother’s life and interests. 

Lily had not let go of her Muggle lifestyle completely after joining Hogwarts. She carried her precious camera everywhere and filled the album with pictures of landscapes, even mundane stills made it into the album but never a portrait. Because of that, this was the first proper picture of his mother he had seen. 

Harry wanted to run and go through his mother’s trunk again with the anticipation of probably finding something related to Regulus in there. Lily had a bunch of books by Muggle writers which Harry had no interest in but he wanted to look at the photos again. He made a mental note of looking through that later. 

Now, there was this journal to look through. 

He looked through, it was blank. 

Knowing the kind of man Regulus was (a genius), Harry called bluff. No way this journal would be blank, he just had to know a spell to reveal its contents. Which was easier said than done so he called up Hermione. 

“Hi Ron! Erm, sorry for disturbing you at this time, ah I’m sure you must be busy but this is sort of urgent-”

“HARRY! WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE WAIT ARE YOU DYING?”

“What? No, I’m not dying yet-”

“YET? ARE YOU DYING SOON? HERMIONE HARRY IS DY-”

He heard a shrill voice coming closer amidst the loud chatter in the background. Both of them moved in with him a few months ago but had gone to visit the Weasleys for the weekend. Even though he loved his friends to death, he was secretly really really glad they were not home right now. 

“ Harry Potter you better be joking right now! It’s been ONE DAY!” Hermione hissed into his ear through the phone. 

“Hey! No, I’m not dying. Sorry. Or in trouble, don’t worry. I wanted to ask you something! How do we, eh, get to see the contents of a blank page? Lik-” 

“Like a revealing charm?” Harry didn’t even have to explain the situation to her, she got his problem instantly. 

“Yes! That! What’s the spell for it?” he tried controlling the desperation in his voice. And the utter silence from the other side wasn’t helping. Hermione being silent wasn’t a good sign, it meant that she was judging him very hard right now. 

“Hermione?”

Harry could hear her rolling her eyes at him and mumbling how did you even graduate before she gave in and told him the spell. He thanked her, said bye to Ron and hung up immediately. His hands were itching to read the journal. 

“Aparecium!” He pointed the wand at the journal. 

What did he even expect? Of course nothing happened. 

But he had to keep trying. He started reciting all kinds of revealing related spells. 

“Revelare!” 

“Aperta!”

“Lumos?”

“Appereo!”

“Fucking hell.”

“Ostende!” 

“Abscondio?” 

“Heli - you know what, nevermind”. Harry huffed and closed the journal, exhausted with it for the day. 

Before leaving the room, he thumbed through it again and noticed that he missed an inscription in the very first page of the journal. It doesn’t give away anything much. Just one sentence. 

Belonging to the sun, his star and the flowers that bloom between them. 

Harry’s brain couldn’t take it anymore. He shut the book and ran downstairs. 

Their shared house was one of Dumbledore’s property and McGonnagal had somehow acquired it for Harry, Ron and Hermione to live. It sometimes looked like a War Museum for the people who came to visit. The place was littered with reminders of the war and the people who lost their lives for it. Pictures of their friends, their professors, Order members, old newspapers lying around. Lots of dead people’s things. 

But they never minded any of it, Harry liked hoarding all these things. Sometimes when came back from his alchemy apprenticeship, he would sit around the stuff and cry. All of them still do that. It was everyday in the beginning, one reminder about the war and one of them would break down with the others following while trying to comfort. But it has been getting better and Harry could finally look at the things without tears welling up in his eyes. 

Although, the feeling has come back. Harry was enveloped with a feeling of sadness as he looked at the things McGonagall had sent him. He missed Sirius. He missed his godfather.

And it might be a stupid thing to feel but looking at that picture, he started missing his parents who he never even got to know. 

What might seem even more stupid is that something about Regulus Black was tugging at his heart. Or more like settling down in his stomach, Harry couldn’t figure it out. 

He couldn’t sit still, he had to do something. He was deciding on whether to read old Daily Prophet papers once again or go through Marauder's album for the hundredth time when he remembered that he had wanted to check his mother’s Muggle Trunk. 

It was a suitcase, and it sat gathering dust in one of the rooms they had turned into a hoarding place for storage purposes. He dusted it and dragged it out to the living room. Ron and Hermione wouldn’t be home until tomorrow so he had plenty of time to go through everything by himself. 

On the top, it had the things he already knew and gone through multiple times. But usually, it got too overwhelming as he dug up even more and he would stop and keep it aside for another day. Today he resolved that he would reach the end of this trunk. Which was saying something because he seemed to acquire his hoarding tendencies from his mother which meant that the suitcase was filled with everything and nothing. 

It had bracelets, scrunchies, lockets to even random pages of Potions notes, some feathers, muggle stationary supplies, an alarm clock and other things Harry didn’t have the patience to sort through. He dug inside until he got to the stash of photographs taken by his mother. 

Lily Evans did not take photos of many things. She was a photographer sure, she really did have an amazing talent for it. But she wasn’t like Ron who was obsessed with taking pictures of every other thing he found interesting. She wasn’t like Luna either, who would take portraits of people without them realising that they are being captured. 

His mother, it seemed, used her camera with a sense of purpose. Going through the pictures she had taken, it was becoming very obvious to Harry that her pictures were not just a cute hobby but something she took seriously. He looked at the stack and concluded that yes, indeed the picture from Regulus’ journal was also taken using his mother’s camera. 

And yes, indeed these pictures were revealing more stories. 

The first one was just a hand placed lightly over someone’s knee. The hand was pale and slender, the bony structure prominent - the person could be a hand model even, the way it was placed tenderly and elegantly over a brown velvety cloth which Harry assumed was the Gryffindor uniform. It wasn’t James or Lily’s hand, they didn't wear as many rings and they especially wouldn’t wear a ring with a snake twirling on to the finger. The nails were shining with black polish, a clear contrast to the fair skin it settles on. 

He bit his lip and looked at it more closely. What he hadn’t noticed yet was small patterns drawn with ink on the sides of the fingers and over the knuckles. It was very easy to miss, really, because it looked like it was part of the skin itself. 

Tiny stars in the shape of constellations danced about Regulus’ fingers. He could identify only one of them, Sirius, his godfather’s star - he recognized it immediately, how could he not when Harry sometimes sits hours and hours on the terrace watching it. Now, he looked at the other constellation with the same fascination. He could safely assume now that it was Regulus. Both the star and the hand. 

Astraeus. 

Barely visible, it was written in neat handwriting on the bottom of the photograph. What did that mean? 

He sighed at the picture, racking his brain to make any connection related to the word. And then suddenly his eyes lit up as if a lightbulb had actually turned on inside his head. He grabbed the picture and bolted upstairs to his room. 

“This better work,” he mumbled, catching his breath as he reached his bed in record time. The journal was still sitting there. He flipped it open to the first page.

“ Astraeus !” Harry barked out, eyes wide in anticipation. This was giving him flashbacks to a certain diary he tried to read. Nothing happened. 

“Ugh. Astre ! Astraios ! Astrio !” 

Which spell did it, he doesn’t know. Nevertheless, the journal came alive in front of his eyes. His green eyes reflected the sparks flying around the book and then a page came into view, with words intact as if it had always been there. It was only one page, the rest of the journal was still blank. 

Harry smiled triumphantly. He grinned even more at the thought that his dad would be proud of him for clearing this puzzle. It wasn’t perfect, no, it only revealed one page but at least he didn’t get sucked inside the book. Or the book didn’t talk back to him. That was good. That was great, even. 

Still smiling, Harry fell onto his bed holding up the journal in his hand and started reading. 

Lily,

I figured this would be a better means of communication considering the circumstances surrounding the relationship between our Houses. Cautious of the rumours I’ve heard of Slytherin students getting involved with Gryffindor and its consequences, I am not taking any risk. Firstly, I would like to thank you for letting me borrow your notes, they have been really helpful with my studies. And your handwriting is quite nice. Before I get into the second point, you might be wondering how exactly this journal would be a better means of communication. I am aware that even with extreme measures, there is always a chance of it falling into the wrong hands (personal experience). Keeping that in mind, I have charmed this journal in a way that would ensure a safer and efficient way of conversation. These words will disappear after midnight. What’s written in the journal will be visible only for a day. As I’m writing, I am realising that it’s not exactly efficient but this is all I could come up with. The words won’t be lost ‘forever’ though, they still stay on the page. Just invisible. The journal would also never run out of pages. The only flaw that I can recognize is that, on attempts to read previous entries, it would reveal absolutely random entries. There is no chronology, no order - and I don’t know how to fix it! So, yes, it is a bit inefficient but I think it will serve our purpose enough. Which by the way, is to have a faster way of communication in case of any emergencies. Moving on to how to use it, as I mentioned when I gave it to you, the spell ‘Astraios’ would reveal what I had written. I thought it fitting considering the connection between my name (a star) and Astraeus, the Greek God of stars and planets. It took me a while to find a name for you, after some research I have decided that the spell to read your entries would be ‘Chloris’, she is a nymph associated with flowers and spring. As for James, I’m not sure if I want him to write in this journal. I don’t trust him yet. My brother should not learn of our correspondence no matter what. Please don’t mention any of this to him, I truly beg of you. The length of this entry is getting out of hand so I will mention my second point in the next one. But I want to say one last thing: this journal is for professional exchanges alone and nothing else. Don’t try to chat with me through this. I am grateful for your help and cooperation and that’s where my feelings stop. I’m not sure how to end this, just don’t lose this book. 

Regards, 

R.A.B 

Harry could hear his own heart beating loud in his ears as he finished reading Regulus’ words. 

Harry didn’t know anything about his parents.

Chapter Text

Lily, for most part of her life, lived with the idea in her that she simply didn’t know how to love people. If she ever had a conversation about this with someone, a scenario she hopes that will never come around, she would probably point to her relationship with her sister as a starting point. Lily did not know how to love Petunia, her own sister. If she cannot bring herself to love her family, how can she love another human being?

She is not sure when or how she came to this conclusion. It might’ve been last year, when she lost her childhood best friend forever. It might’ve been two years ago, when she looked around and realised that her classmates only liked her for her brain. It might’ve been three years ago, when she got bullied for coming from a different family than the people around her. It might've been four years ago, when she started laughing at jokes about her body. It might’ve been anything but in between all that, the self acknowledgement that she is not a person for love settled within her like the pebbles under the Black lake.

But knew that she will never have a conversation about this with anyone - she was Lily Evans, one of the smartest students of her class, popular in the school for her red hair and green eyes, infamous for being better in magic than pure blood students, a kind soul, a friendly smile, chubby cheeks, a hearty laugh. She was pretty popular but it was not the kind of attention she liked. At times, she craved for an all consuming fame where she would probably hate herself but at least she would have the money. At other times, she wanted to not have existed at all. 

But Lily existed and everything that had happened in her life so far has happened, there is no going back. There is only looking ahead and waiting but waiting never felt like going forward. It felt like in every passing day, she was being pulled from behind. 

And right now, when she was sitting and waiting, the professor in front of her droning on about something that barely passes coherently through her head she was being pulled from behind by none other than James Fucking Potter. 

“ Lily” he whispers from behind her and tugs at her hair. She takes a deep breath, trying to decide between engaging with him or ignoring him and the way his hand was still in her hair was not helping with the former thought. 

He tugged again, “Lily, please. Just a minute.” 

She turns around and glares at him. She was not the kind of person who would glare at many people but James Potter time and again has proved against that. 

“What the fuck do you want, James? I’m studying. ” she hisses back at him, still glaring. 

“Come on Lily, we both know you won’t touch this textbook until there’s only two days left for the exam.” 

Lily wanted to disagree but it was true and not something the majority of the student body of Hogwarts knew, that Lily Evans topped each exam with only a few days of preparation. She bared her teeth at him, mildly irritated that he knew that about her. 

She did not hate James, not really. She did not dislike him either. But something about James just felt so plastic to her. And not in a bad way, she was curious about him. She wanted to study his plasticity. She often found herself alone in her feelings towards James, none of her friends saw him like that. To them he is the perfect boyfriend material. She was pretty sure most of the school considered him as some sort of National Boyfriend of Hogwarts or something. His quidditch skills did contribute a lot to that image and so did his dashing smile that he gave to everyone 24/7. But that wasn’t the way she saw James, something told her that with the right circumstances he could become her best friend even. He could grow on her. 

But sometimes, like now, he was just annoying. 

“Make it quick, James. You know I hate talking during class.” Mary was giving her a not-so-subtle side eye from the other side and Marlene sitting right next to was smirking at her. 

“Meet me after class at the alcove, will you? I want to talk to you.” he whispered and leaned back to his seat. 

She could hear his friends snickering in the background. This was one of the things she found annoying, he didn’t even give her a chance to respond. Whatever James wanted to talk to her about, she already had the inkling that she was going to hate it. It reminded me of the one time last year when James thought it would be a really romantic idea to kiss her hand as a greeting in front of everyone. 

She had slapped him. Well, she did not exactly mean to get so violent but she really hated being touched without permission, especially if it wasn’t one of her close friends. James had blinked once and then laughed it off, he never bothered her like that again. But it looks like he and his friends were up to something again. 

Marlene was still smirking when she turned to look at her. 

“Potter’s really cute, isn’t he?” she quips at her. 

“Why don’t you ask him out then?” 

“What? Ewww. How can you-” she sputters and Mary shushes them both before they catch the professor’s attention. 

Lily shrugs and goes back to losing herself in the lecture, wondering if developing feelings for James would solve all the problems in her mind. 

***

Lily does not spend a lot of time outside the Gryffindor common room. The only other place where she spends more time than her room would be the library but that was only when the deadlines or exams are close. So when James tells her to meet at the alcove, she wasn’t so sure which one he meant. 

Hogwarts is a great campus, she really loves its architecture and style. She was sure that even with living here for almost 6 six years, she has not seen even half of the castle. So after class, she tells Marlene and Mary to go ahead and she waits outside for James to come out. 

He looked surprised to see her wait there. But then he smiles, sheepishly, when his friends start patting him on the back. His palm goes to caress his neck. Lily could find it endearing, if she tried. 

“Lily! Ah, you didn’t have to wait for me.” He doesn’t look into her eyes when he talks which seems a clear signal that this interaction is not all him. A dare from his friends, perhaps? Lily is willing to give him the benefit of doubt for now but if it turns out to be stupid dare, she would probably slap him again. 

If he was going to prank her then she would do more than a slap. She had a very, very strong grip and James didn’t have to know that. Yet. 

She shakes her head slightly at him. “Where do you want to go?” 

“Just a place away from… people.” he motions his hands vaguely at all the students walking around them. Lily is used to having people’s eyes on her when she walks around the castle, but with James Potter, it feels like every single person that walks by them stops to look at them.

“Lead the way then.” 

She is glad that he doesn’t try to grab her hand or elbow. He walks towards the end of the corridor where she assumes the existence of an alcove. But when they reach in front of it, it seems to be already occupied. 

It’s not weird to hang out in the alcove when there are other people in it but it’s definitely weird when the other people are your seniors who are snogging each other. 

Lily and James look at each other, nod in silent agreement and walk away from Alice and Frank who hadn’t even noticed them come and go. 

“Well, this is a bit inconvenient.” he mutters. 

“Hogwarts’s boyfriend not knowing a secluded spot to have a talk is a bit surprising.”

James cringes at that. “Please never call me that again, yeah?” 

“Sure. What did you want to talk about? There aren’t many students around anymore, so might as well get on with it.” she points to their surroundings. 

“Ah, yes, about that. Well. It’s a bit embarrassing, to be honest but also it’s been a long time coming – Oh. Wait. I know a spot! Come on, Evans.” 

Lily quirks her eyebrows at him and hopes that his ‘spot’ is not the bloody Slytherin dungeons.  

James takes the lead. Wherever he’s taking her, she makes a mental note of never coming here again with the amount of stairs involved in getting there. And they’re not even proper stairs but those small, circular ones that keep going on and on. She would probably get lost trying to navigate there considering the amount of times the stairs take turns into different directions. For a moment, she doubts again if James is fucking with her and is purposefully making her walk so much. 

“James, what do you want?”

He doesn’t answer her but he slows down when they reach another corridor. Where exactly are they?

“Okay, I know you’re not like particularly fond of me or anything but I- I well, I think…” 

“Well that’s surprising.” she says

“Huh? What is?” James eyebrows shoot up instantly, his body tensing up. 

“That you voluntarily participated in the act of thinking.” 

James scoffs and relaxes back. “Come on now, Evans. I’m not that bad. But wait, I have a confession to make.”

“Aw, James, I’m glad you are finally thinking. Let me know if you need any help with it, yeah? It can be a bit hard at first but you’ll adjust to it.”

He groans at that. “So funny.”, he deadpans at her. “Ugh, what am I even doing?”

“You tell me.”

“I like you.” 

Lily gulps. She really didn’t like the feel of this. Developing feelings for James Potter doesn’t seem appealing anymore. Especially when he says it like this. Like he is not even trying to mean it.

“Potter, are you sure it’s you who likes me?” 

“Yes, I mean, I do like you. Everyone likes you!”

“Everyone likes you too.”

“Yeah… so, in that vein of things, I think we should, you know, date.” He brings up his hands in front of him, as if to make an obvious point. And Lily can’t help but think about it, dating James Potter. What would that make her?

She doesn’t say anything back and James seems to be giving her time and space to process this. That is indeed a bit mature of him, Lily is pleasantly proud of him. They reach in front of a room and Lily doesn’t even realise that it’s a door until James stops in front of it and points to it. 

“I found this last year with Remus when we were trying to escape Mrs. Norris. It took us ten tries to get here without getting lost.” he whistles. “This is one hell of a place isn’t it?” 

Lily nods at that, still staring at the door. There’s a distinct smell coming from inside and she is struggling to place it but James continues talking. 

“We don’t really come here anymore. There are better secret spots closer to our common room but we might run into my friends there so I figured this would be the best spot. I don’t think anyone can come here, I mean, accidentally I suppose first or second years might stumble in here but I bet they wouldn’t be able to find their way back in. It’s all thanks to Remus’ brain, can you believe he made a map? He’s a bloody genius. Wait, what’s that smell?”

“I’ve been trying to place it ever since you started talking.” 

He feigns offence and puts his palm over his chest. “Were you not listening to me? Ouch.” 

“I really don’t have the attention span to listen to your monologues, Potter.” 

“I’m really hurt by this, by the way. Am I really so boring to you?” 

“Well you will be if you bring me to a place and not even show me in.” 

“Ha! I was about to ask if you wanted to go in! Come on, then.” he goes to open the door. He takes a quick breath, “is this jasmine?” he stops before the handle.  

“You know what jasmines smell like?” 

“Yes, my mother wears them on her hair. It’s everywhere in my house. But this is not just jasmine… has someone turned this place into a garden?” he wonders, finally stepping inside. 

What waits for them inside is not something Lily could have ever fathomed. She would have never been prepared for this. 

James’ ‘spot’ might as well have been a Slytherin dungeon considering the snake that is sitting inside right now. 

The disgust she usually feels towards snakes and their personification that is the Slytherin students doesn’t rise up the way it usually does while looking at the sight in front of her. 

She is a bit worried about the boy sitting in the room, honestly. He has a small frame, he looks shorter than her or maybe it’s the way he’s sitting on a chair with head in his hands. Not to mention the… liquid? Goo? Paint? He’s clearly completely covered in. 

The room is a mess. He hasn’t noticed them yet, James looks equally speechless beside him, not daring to utter a single word. Lily tries to make sense of the situation in front of her. The Slytherin boy is not the immediate threat this very second. 

It’s the massive cauldron in front of him that’s boiling and spluttering its contents everywhere. And Lily is sure that it’s about to explode in the room any time now. 

James also seems to realise the same thing as he makes eye contact with her. 

He clears his throat. “Ahem, kid, do you need help?” Lily thought he would ask him what the hell he’s doing here with an explosive cauldron which for the matter is illegal in Hogwarts. Students aren’t authorised to practise potions outside their classes, especially unsupervised. And whatever this Slytherin is doing in here definitely looks illegal to her. Is this a… trap? Is he going to kill two popular Gryffindors?

His eyes tell a different story. His head snaps up in alarm, Lily swears she heard a crack in there. His eyes are glassy, he looks terrified. As if they’re the ones here to kill him. 

He looks at James, then at Lily and then at the cauldron. His hand automatically goes to the wand lying on the floor but Lily disarms him before he can even reach for it. 

The boy is visibly shaking and that might’ve softened something in Lily because she hears herself saying, “Hey, we’re not going to hurt you. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to hurt us.” 

He seems confused for a moment and then he scoffs in bewilderment. His eyes were still darting between everything, but mostly to the wand which lies closer to Lily and James than him. 

James, surprisingly, is more interested in the cauldron. He tears his eyes away from it and looks at the boy. 

“We don’t mean any harm but I’m not sure if it applies to this bomb that’s going to explode here.” 

The boy speaks for the first time. “It won’t explode.” his voice is clear and sharp but strained. The bubbles react more vigorously as if mocking his words. 

James sighs. “See that condensation forming on the sides? That’s not a good sign, the potion is clearly overreacting. Also looks like it's burning hot, which again is not a good sign. Are you hurt anywhere?” his eyes scan over the boy. Lily might not be excellent at healing like Mary but this kid might need some help. 

The bubbles start roaring at them and the boy’s eyes start tearing up even more. Something clenches in her heart. She has never been good at dealing with crying people. 

“Look, kid-”

“I’m not a kid. ” he snaps at her. 

“OK.” James says. “Can you stand back? I’m going to fix this thing.”

“No! Please don’t do anything, it’s taken me weeks ” he pleads. The tears in his eyes seem to be spilling over the edges. The cauldron gets more violent as the seconds pass. 

“Look, I’m sorry but-” 

The cauldron spits and a huge splash lands in front of them, hot liquid flowing dangerously on the floor now. 

The boy gasps and starts shaking even more. James steps forward, “Regulus, stand back.” the boy stumbles back into the room, eyes wide in alarm, tears now scalding down his cheeks. 

Regulus? 

Does James know him? Lily doesn’t have time to ponder over that, especially when she’s on the brink of death because of a damn potion experiment. 

Regulus scrambles back unceremoniously and hits the wall behind him and James pulls on her arms to step back. Lily doesn’t know how to fix this so she’s desperately praying that James meant what he said earlier. 

He yells out a spell and it hits the cauldron. It doesn’t do anything and Lily reconsiders her trust in James. He is sweating profusely which doesn’t help. 

He directs another spell at it and there’s a loud pop sound. It doesn’t stop there. The cauldron keeps popping and she is considering if Potter made it better or worse. But he relaxes as the sound increases. Lily leans over to see what’s going on and she lets out a quiet gasp. 

The cauldron is drinking itself up, all the liquid reducing slowly inside. Under ten seconds, there is no trace of the chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong. 

James huffs out a breath. “Thank fuck.” He wipes at the sweat glistening on his forehead. Lily also becomes aware of the sweat dripping inside her - was it so hot inside?

The boy, Regulus, looks the worst. He falls down to the floor and tucks himself between his knees which were still shaking.  Lily looks over at James, her eyes silently questioning him on the next move. Should they leave and pretend it never happened? It would be an easy option but still risky incase this boy tries something like this again. Next time what if it was Hogwarts that he blew up?

But looking at him, his small frame curling inside even more, he doesn’t look like the kind of person who would intentionally do something like that, Slytherin or not. 

“Go away.” he mumbles softly. Is he still crying?

James lets out a laugh. “You expect us to save your ass and then leave? Nuh uh, explain what happened here.” he glances around and shakes his head. “ How do you even know this room?”

Through water eyes, the boy glares at him. “I don’t owe you an explanation.” 

“But you do. We saved your life!” James exclaims.

“I told you, it wasn’t going to explode.” 

“It clearly was!” 

“I was going to stop it.” his voice is still calm, unlike James who was getting louder.

“You wouldn’t know how to!”

“I would’ve if you hadn’t interrupted.” he accuses, glaring even more. 

James scoffs. “You’re blaming me now?” 

“Yes.”

“Well, how dare you! Lily, he’s blaming us!”

“Both of you, shut up.” she snaps at them. They do. Lily is a force to be reckoned with. Especially when she uses that tone. 

She walks over to where Regulus is still sitting. His eyes widen as she comes closer, clearly looking for a way to escape. Is he scared of her?

“As I said earlier, we are not going to hurt you. You’r-”

“You can’t hurt me.” he retorts. Was it a twinkle of amusement in his eyes right now? It’s gone before she can place it. “Can you, like, leave?” 

“We’ll leave, yes but I need to make sure that you’re okay. Does it hurt anywhere?” she points at his body, which is fully covered by a long robe so the potion which he had been making did not fall on his skin directly but some of the places are burnt. There’s some of it on his cheek and the skin is reddened around it. The tears are no longer flowing from his eyes which Lily is extremely glad for. 

He looks down at himself and cringes, becoming aware of his outward presentation which he doesn’t seem to be very pleased about. “I’ll live.” 

“You know you can’t go to Pomfrey in this condition right? How will you explain it to her?” James asks him. Now that there wasn’t any imminent danger of a cauldron blowing up, he was regarding Regulus carefully. How does he know him? Lily is not very aware of the people in the castle, let alone her classmates whose names she tends to forget even after studying with them for six years. 

“Who says I’m going to Pomfrey?” 

“Well, who says I’m not going to Pomfrey?” James replies. What?

“What?” Regulus barks out a laugh, Lily did not expect that. “You’re such an idiot.” 

James gets flustered at that. “Hey, I’m not the one who almost blew up a cauldron.”

“I told you it wasn’t blowing up!” 

“Stop this. What happened has happened, I’m glad that nothing has blown up here.” she eyes around the room, it’s scattered with bottles and vials and textbooks and random stuff - did she see a lock of white hair? “Yet.” 

She sees a bunch of broken glasses discarded in the corner of the room. “Merlin, what have you been doing here? This place is a mess.” 

“None of your business.” 

“Considering that we almost died because of your crazy experiment doesn’t mean-”

“You weren’t going to die! Gosh, Potter I knew you were dumb but I didn’t know you were this dumb.”

“Excuse me?” James replies dumbly, not expecting Regulus to talk back at him like this. James is usually better at dealing with people than her so she wonders why he’s finding it hard to maintain his composure with Regulus. 

“You’re excused. You may disperse.” 

This guy was a brat, alright. “James, you know him?” she turns to look at him.

“Wait, you don’t? This is Regulus.” 

She rolls her eyes, “Yeah that explains everything.”

“Regulus Black! Sirius’ brother! 5th Year Slytherin, he’s their Seeker!” 

Lily blinks at him. Brother of Sirius Black? The brother he mentioned maybe once to them and never again?

Regulus narrows his eyes at him. “I don’t consider him my brother anymore.” he gets up finally. Lily can also look at him properly now. He is not much shorter than her but still shorter nonetheless and now that he stopped crying and shaking, he doesn’t look like a small kid anymore. 

“Why not?” Lily asks, it’s definitely not her place to ask this question, especially to a person with whom she just met minutes ago but the question slips out. Is it because she also has a sister of her own?

Regulus looks at her with apprehension. Maybe he won’t answer, he certainly doesn’t owe her a response on this. But eventually he shrugs, “He left me.” 

Lily feels coldness in her heart. Those three words. She’s heard them before. She doesn’t ever want to hear them again. She shouldn’t have asked the question, this was not the answer she wanted to hear. Her mind freezes and she cannot bring herself to respond. 

Regulus studies her expression closely and raises his eyebrow. “Do you have anything else to say?” 

Thankfully, James takes over. “What were you doing here?”

“I told you, none of your fucking business.” 

“OK. Let me rephrase that. We won’t report you to McGonagall if you tell us what’s going on.” Lily develops a new found appreciation for James. Maybe she can say yes to him after all.

The other boy considers that, biting on his lips hard. He’ll have to explain it to them anyways, making unauthorised potions is not a simple issue that can be brushed aside. James is right, he could’ve got severely injured.  

Maybe it’s the exhaustion of what happened finally hitting him but Regulus Black gives up on his fight and slumps back on to his chair. Head in his hands, just like how they found him earlier.  

James looks at him with pity, seemingly giving up on putting up a fight himself and sitting down against the wall. Lily should also probably sit down, her head is still stuck on the three words said by Regulus but instead of a repeated loud blaring of that statement in her head it’s a slow simmering of a hurricane, it spins and shuffles around, not letting it sit with her. 

Before she sits down, she walks over to Regulus. He warily looks up at her. 

“I’m just going to clean you up a bit”, she points at his face “I can fix this burn as well. Is that alright?” 

He nods slowly, his body still tense. With a quick motion of her wand Lily removes all the potion stains from his clothes, mends it back, heals his cheek and cleans him completely for good measure. He must be itching for a shower after this. 

“Thanks” he mumbles quietly. Lily would not have heard it if she wasn’t watching him so closely. She should’ve figured it out - he looks so much like Sirius. The curly hair, the pale skin, sharp jawline, thick eyelashes. But their eyes were the key difference, one of the things that sets them apart completely. Sirius had dark coloured eyes but Regulus’ eyes were like the clouds swirling on the sky before it started raining. It was like the remnants left by a burning fire. A deep ash grey. 

She nods at him and goes to sit and lean against the other wall. 

They sit in silence for a while, listening to the quiet sound of the wind howling outside the window. She wondered how much she climbed to get to such a high floor. 

It is James who breaks the silence. “Regulus,” he looks at him for an acknowledgement but doesn’t get any, Regulus is still staring at the floor. “OK, I know you are particularly fond of me because of Sirius-” 

Lily involuntarily snorts at that. They both turn to look at her. 

“What’s so funny, Evans?”

“Do you know that this is the second time you’ve said that line today?” she chuckles at him. She clears her throat and says, “Lily, I know you’re not particularly fond of me or anything but I- I think we should date!” in the best imitation of James Potter she can. 

“Hey, that’s not how I sound!” he protests.

“But that’s what you said.” she sings back.

“I take it back, I want nothing to do with you!” 

“Hah! I knew it! You just want my popularity!” she teases him.

“No, that’s not what I meant Lily-” 

Regulus cuts in, “Did you guys come here to snog?” he asks incredulously. 

“What? Noooo” they both exclaim, scrunching up their faces in disgust. 

“We were just looking for a place to talk. I didn’t think anyone else would be here. How do you know this room and how long have you been coming here?” James questions him, looking around the room. 

“Same as you, I was looking for an empty classroom to do some work and found this place.” he shrugs. Lily assumed it would take more time for him to open up and talk, hell she didn’t even expect him to talk at all. 

“Care to explain this work that you’re doing? It looks quite dangerous to me. Before you start fighting me, hear me out, my dad works with Potions and stuff so I’ve been around these weird experiments for a long time and let me tell you one thing that I’ve learnt watching him all these years: always wear safety gear. You might be really good at Potions but it’s still quite unpredictable, even with experience so just be careful around these things yeah?” 

Regulus frowns at him but nods. 

“Anyways, as I was saying, I know you don’t like me being the best friend of the brother you hate and all that but from one wizard to another wizard, just keep this in mind please.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” he replies, studying James carefully with his eyes. He shakes his head at him, a small smile tugging at his lips. A very small smile, barely a tilt of lips. “I never said anything about not liking you though.” 

“Huh? So you like me?” 

“I never said that either.” he rolls his eyes at him.

“What exactly are you saying then?” 

“I don’t particularly care for Sirius or his friends, so I don’t feel anything about you.”

“Oh.” James looks puzzled at this, maybe a bit disturbed. Hearing from your best friend’s brother that he doesn’t care about your best friend is probably not a pleasant experience. 

Lily clicks her tongue. “I don’t particularly care about Sirius or his friends either so I get you there.” 

“Lils, you’re just jealous of us. You wish you could have our brains.” She makes a gagging sound at that. And Regulus lets out a short giggle. 

He giggles at what she said. She straightens up at that. “Was that so funny to you?”

“No, I just love it when someone else acknowledges how stupid my brother and his friends are.” 

“By the way, the friend is right here! And we are not stupid!” 

Lily meets Regulus’ eye and bursts out laughing. James makes an offended whine at them. But Lily feels good, even though his earlier words might have unsettled her a bit, Regulus Black doesn’t seem so bad. 

“Don’t laugh at me, both of you! Regulus, tell us what you were doing here.” he snaps, which is so unlike James but he is clearly flustered. He is probably stuck with the only two people in Hogwarts who doesn’t worship the air he breathes. It bothered Lily sometimes, how a person can turn to different versions of themselves for different people, always giving them what they’re looking for. James is more than that. 

Regulus takes his time answering, his eyes went back to the floor again. It took a while for Lily to notice that he was fidgeting. He kept cracking his knuckles and bouncing his left leg. 

“Was it something… bad? You don’t have to tell us the whole story if you can’t.” she tries to urge him. 

“Ah, no, it’s just–” he lets out a deep sigh. “Candles. I was trying to make scented candles.” 

“Candles…?” she hears James repeat, utterly confused. 

Chapter Text

James needs to process this. Regulus Black, brother of his best friend Sirius Black, Seeker of the Slytherin Quidditch team, the shy boy he met when he was a child who smiled at him sweetly for the first and most definitely the last time, the smart student who probably will go and follow bloody Voldemort – was making scented candles in an abandoned isolated classroom? 

“You’re bluffing!” he huffs out. No way this is true. Only a fool would believe that. Hell, even a fool wouldn’t believe that! 

Regulus glares at him, “I’m not! I was trying to make a candle. If you don’t believe me, look at the rejects lying over there.” he pointed to the side of the room. 

There indeed was a bunch of broken glasses with different colours of potions solidified in them lying in the corner of the room. There also indeed was a bundle of wicks and a bag of wax flakes on the table. 

“But… why?” he asked in disbelief. This was ridiculous. Regulus Black is supposed to be brewing poisons here, not making scented fucking candles from scratch. 

Regulus sneered at him. “Oh, of course Potter is so blindingly bright that he has never even had to use a candle before.” 

“And what is that supposed to mean!?” he shrieks. 

Lily looked between them. Surely, she did not believe this bullshit? 

“Candles are not that hard to make, why were you struggling so much then?” she asks him, sceptically. 

“Well, I was not making a plain fucking candle.” he threw her a stink eye for even considering that train of thought. James wondered how he would react if he knew what ideas he was having in his head. Perhaps, if he asked him whether he was making a poisonous candle he would look prouder. 

“I was trying to make a candle that changes its scent according to what the person is feeling at the moment. Like, according to their moods.” 

Lily cocks her head to the side. “A candle that changes its scent on its own? That’s very ambitious.” 

He lifts up his shoulder. “I like challenges.” 

“But…why?” James blurts out again, stupidly. “I mean, why are you making this?” 

“A birthday present for my friend.” 

“You have friends?”

Regulus scowled. “What sort of a person do you think I am, Potter? Me not acknowledging the existence of my brother doesn’t mean I can’t have fucking friends.” 

“You just acknowledged him now!” he blandly retorts. 

“Oh, fuck off.” Regulus seems even more pissed at him. 

James feels a bit guilty. It’s not that James hates Regulus or anything. Sirius is his best friend and Regulus is a person that caused Sirius plenty of distress at a time so he’s bound to have his reservations on people like that. Even if the people is basically his own brother. Maybe Regulus is more than the hurt he caused Sirius? James mentally smacks himself for thinking that. Of course, Regulus is more than that. He has never even talked to him properly before. 

“I’m sorry,” he admits. “Sorry for assuming. That was not right of me. Of course you can have friends. ” 

“Thanks for your permission, Potter.”

“That’s not…” he groans. “I’m sorry.” 

Regulus' face doesn’t soften at that but he nods at him. “I’m glad I could be the one who taught you the lesson of not judging people you know nothing about.” 

“So… the birthday present?” Lily redirects the conversation back and James is grateful for that. He didn’t know what to say to make Regulus feel better. Did he want to make Regulus feel better?

“Yes, it’s for my friend. They love candles but they also love some hundred different scents so I couldn’t pick just one. I come here to practise Potions also actually, don’t tell Slughorn but I really hate that subject and hate working with cauldrons even more. Bloody unpredictable pots.” he shudders. 

“And yet you’re still here trying to make a candle for your friend.” Lily raises her eyebrow at him.  

“Of course, they’re my best friend. I think they’ll love it, if I succeed.” 

“You have a best friend?” James asks him incredulously. He is not stupid, at least not so consistently but his brain is struggling to process this situation. He has never notice Regulus talk with many people in the Dining Hall, he is mostly always by himself. Was it so wrong to assume he did not have a best friend? A best friend wouldn't leave them alone during meal times, James cannot imagine not sitting next to Sirius in the hall. Even if one of his friends was sick for a day, he would miss their presence. Regulus just rolls his eyes at him. 

“Yes, Potter. The evil little brother has a life of his own. If you’re done questioning me, I would really appreciate it if I could leave and take a shower. I’m probably not the only one who can smell the stink in this room.” he scrunches his nose. 

“So if you’ll excuse me and pretend that this never happened…” he seems to be waiting for their reaction. Oh, how preposterous of him to think that James will pretend this never happened! If he could, he would have Sirius show up here right this second and show him what his little brother has been up to. But no, that’s not the only reason. James has enough experience with Potions to know that what happened here was a narrow escape of a grievous injury to Regulus. And he can’t leave Sirius’ brother in a state where something like this would repeat again. 

“We’ll have to report you, of course.” James says. 

“Why? Just to spite me?” he bites back icily. 

“This experiment could be really dangerous and I don’t want any more potential accidents to happen, you’re clearly not good at Potions.” James huffs out. He can’t believe the boy was waiting for it to boil over! 

Regulus turns red at that. “I’m trying, okay? And I will succeed, nothing bad has happened so far, I’ve been here for a month.” 

“Until today.”

“For Merlin’s sake, it was not going to explode! How many times do I have to say that! It happens like that sometimes, you just have to wait it out to cool down.”

“That genuinely sounds a bit concerning, you know.” 

“I agree with James on that but we won’t report you.” Lily declares. Huh, when did she come to that conclusion all by herself? Even if Lily did not always side with James in numerous matters, he assumed they would be together in their stance against this Slytherin. And hey, they could get their house points off this too. 

“We won’t?” James blinks and asks back, confused. 

“I don’t see why we should. He did not have any malicious intentions and he hasn’t hurt anyone or himself yet.” 

James nibbles on his lip. She’s technically right but he doesn’t feel like letting this incident go just like that. Perhaps James is nosy but he wants to know what Regulus is exactly up to. 

“And when something happens? I wouldn’t be able to live with the knowledge that I could’ve stopped the burning of Hogwarts.” 

Regulus rolls his eyes again, “God you’re so dramatic. No wonder you’re friends with him.” 

Before James could retort back, Lily cuts in and says something that none of them expected. 

“No, you wouldn’t have to do that. Instead of reporting you, I propose something else. But you’ll have to say yes beforehand.” 

“What kind of a stupid proposal is that? How can I say yes without knowing what it is?” 

“It’s up to you, just consider if you could afford getting reported or not.” James knows that Lily is aware that she is hitting a low blow, she also has heard rumours about the cruel treatment of the Black family and some horrible stories from Sirius. Regulus definitely wouldn’t want something like this getting back to his family. 

He grits his teeth. A deep frown takes over his whole face, he doesn’t have any other option really. Eventually, it settles back to casual indifference. James doesn’t know what exactly Lily is getting against but he has never been the smart one so he goes with the flow. 

“Okay. Okay, yes, whatever.” If Lily is surprised by this, she doesn’t show but James is visibly confused. How did The Regulus Black agree so easily? Even if he did not have much choice, James expected him to put up some fight at least. Oh, Sirius would be so surprised to hear this. 

“What proposal?” he asks her. 

“It’s nothing complicated. Regulus can continue his practice or experiments or make his candle in this room or whatever he wants but only if either of us are here to monitor him.”

Regulus’ mouth falls open in disbelief, almost involuntarily. It is a funny look on him. James has never seen as many emotions on his face over the course of the five years he’s known him than in one single day. Not that he really knew him, but he sees him around, especially when Sirius is looking at him. 

“You’re babysitting me?” he scoffs, folding his arms on his chest. 

“Well, you’re the one who put it like that. We’re just making sure you don’t do anything harmful. We could also help you if you’d like.”

“I am not helping a Slytherin ever” James declares. He could watch over Regulus, that wouldn’t be a problem. But he would never help him. He can’t betray Sirius like that. 

“I don’t need your help.” he bites back. 

“When is your friend’s birthday?” Lily asks him. 

“In two weeks.” 

“Just two weeks, it wouldn’t be a problem. We can figure out a schedule for you to use this room and do your candles during our free hours. So, do we have a deal?”

Regulus stares at her blankly. “It’s not like I have a choice.”

“Perfect. Come here tomorrow during the lunch break. If you start any shit before any of us gets here then we go straight to McGonagall. I’m her favourite student, you wouldn’t be able to get out of it by any means.” 

“You know Lils, secretly I’m her favourite student.”

Lily looks like she’s so done with James. It makes James want to try harder to make her like him. 

“It’s true! I dare you to prank her and get out of it unscathed! No casualties. Absolutely none.” James grins widely. He clearly remembers the prank that he and his friends did to Minnie. The whole class was in shambles and there was absolutely no evidence to how the thirty rats got inside their class. Her face was priceless. 

Regulus clicks his tongue. “Actually, I’m her favourite student if I do say so myself.” 

Both their heads snapped towards him. “What?” they say together. 

He just shrugs. “I’m not lying, go ask her. She would also say so herself. I’ve never gotten a bad grade in Transfiguration.” 

It’s hard to believe and it reflects on their faces. Regulus sees this and huffs out, “Why would I lie about this? Minnie loves me.” 

“Minnie? Only I can call her that!”

Regulus snorts, “Oh yeah, is she your mum?” 

“Yes she is!” 

“I’m going to tell this to Effie when I meet her this summer, by the way.” Lily adds. 

James gasps dramatically. “Lily, don’t you dare! ” 

“Hmm. Depends on how you behave until then.”

James scowls. His maa would disown him if she heard that. She would revoke his paneer tikka rights for a week. What else is he supposed to look forward to then? 

“Lily, the prettiest flower of the garden, your brain is too smart and genius and gorgeous to keep track of something insignificant as that!” he drawls his words out. 

“Is it so?” she raises her eyebrow. 

“Of course, you’re mind is already to busy being the bes-” 

“I’m heading back if we’re done here.” Regulus cuts in, exasperated. He picks up his wand from the floor, adjusting his bag over his shoulder. 

Lily nods at him. “Yes. See you.” 

He doesn’t nod back or say anything, just slips out quietly. James watches him go. Regulus is so different from Sirius, he thought. Which is expected, considering their houses and all. But he looks at Regulus, whatever he gathered of him and he couldn’t place Sirius in them at all. They were too extreme. Sirius was noise, Regulus was silence. Sirius was drama, Regulus was prose. Sirius was his face, Regulus was his eyes. 

Lily said something and he blinked, completely zoned out thinking about the two Black brothers. 

“Eh sorry, what did you say?” 

“Shall we head back? We’ve been here for a while, our friends will be looking for us. Unless you want to say anything else to me?” she glanced at him. 

James sighed. His friends have been teasing him to ask Lily out ever since he admitted to them that he had a crush on her two years ago. He had completely forgotten about his crush until they started playing truth or dare during a party one night. Lily had become one of his good friends in the past two years even though she doesn’t treat him like others do. She treats him differently and maybe that’s why he had a crush on her in the first place. But James isn’t sure. He would tell his friends that he tried maybe. 

He shook his head at her. “Nothing.”

Lily raised her eyebrows but did not say anything about the matter. It was fine with James, he would never force it upon her.  

“Let’s go then.” They walked out of the room following Remus’ map. He wondered how Regulus remembers the route to this room. Did he also make a map? Does he know other secret places too? He kept thinking about Regulus’ words about Sirius as he and Lily walked back to their common room. 

He suddenly stopped in his tracks. “Lily, we aren’t telling anything about this to our friends right?” 

“Of course not. We can’t say anything to anyone. Especially not Sirius.” 

“Yeah, yeah definitely not Sirius.” he replies, his voice unsure. James would feel guilty about it. He doesn’t usually keep many things from his best friend. Initially, James wanted to tell everything to him. But he possibly cannot explain to him how he might potentially be spending every lunch with his brother for the next two weeks. He gulped, strangely looking forward to this new development. Maybe after all this the two weeks is over, he could tell Sirius about his brother. 

Chapter Text

Regulus had been working on that for weeks. For weeks. It took him three days to even sit and comprehend the Potions textbook Snape had given him. This process would have been easier if Snape had just sucked it up and helped him (Regulus didn’t want to admit that he would never have helped Snape either but they weren’t the same kind of people so it wasn’t fault to maybe extract some kindness out of him) but of course Severus Fucking Snape had to go and give him the most tedious textbook and no other instructions to work with. If Snape  could suck up to Mulciber and Avery and carry out every other whim of theirs then why couldn’t he help Regulus with this small thing?

And Pandora’s birthday was coming up soon. What would he even give them? The ingredients he managed to acquire from Snape and from Slughorn’s class were also running out and soon he would have nothing to work with. If those stupid Gryffindors hadn’t shown up… 

He grunted while trying to remove his dirty robes off his body. Lily Evans had cleaned him well but he still felt stinky and sweaty. Whatever happened there also left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth that he couldn’t seem to shake ever since he got back into his room. What he can’t believe the most is that they saw him crying. He hated himself even more for that. They were the only people in the castle who had ever seen him cry (he is not counting Sirius) and they probably don’t even know that and think that he’s a cry baby. Sirius’ coward little brother.  

He was so annoyed by the situation that he ignored Barty and Evan completely when they attacked him with questions after coming back. Plus, he couldn’t possibly tell him that he was spending time with bloody Gryffindors. 

And that he would continue to do so for the next two weeks. He gritted his teeth in irritation. Out of all the thousands of students in Hogwarts, why did it have to be his brother’s friends that found him in the room? Just why? He was almost close to graduating Hogwarts without unwarranted interaction with his brother but of course now he was in some kind of compromise with his best friend. 

Just two weeks, he thought. And that brought some consolation to his mind. Or even sooner if he managed to figure out a Potion that would change its scent. The wax and dyes and containers were ready, he just needed to get over the hurdle of complexities of mind numbing alchemy. Perhaps, he should beg Snape? 

He bit his lip, how would Snape react if he told him that he talked to Lily today? He wasn’t close friends with him or anything but they got along with each other in a strange sort of solidarity. One day when they got drunk together at a post Quidditch party, Snape had told him all about his relationship with Lily and his hatred towards his brother and James Potter. They had bonded over that. (Why can’t he help him with the damn Potion?)

They had also bonded over other things, things that they could never bring up to their other House members. Things they could only whisper even under a silencing charm. Snape was similar to him in a lot of ways - Snape was blinded by his love, Regulus was strengthened by it. At the same time, Snape had lots of love to give, Regulus didn’t have much. 

Regulus had loved fiercely once but it didn’t get him anywhere. Now he stopped trying. 

And even though Snape and Regulus knew a lot of things about each other, they never talked to each other in front of others. Nobody knew they were friends. It would get to his mother and he would have to hear another lecture on choosing the right kind of friends. Regulus let out a startled chuckle when he thought about what his mother would think of talking to Lily Evans today. She would probably not let him go back to Hogwarts. 

She would probably try to get rid of Lily Evans off Hogwarts. And hence, another reason this was just a very, very bad idea. If someone caught them… it was over. So over. He can’t let it be over. 

Pandora’s gift was one thing. Maintaining his Slytherin and potential Death Eater image was another thing. 

Regulus let out a heavy sigh. He would have to figure it out as he went. Until then, he had no choice. Lily was absolutely right and he hated her for that. If it got to his mother that he was found doing unsupervised Potions and endangered the lives of two students - he would pull him out of the castle to ground him for the rest of the year right then. 

She wouldn't mind the endangering lives part especially if he told her that it was a Muggle born and a half blood but going against a Hogwarts rule - that was a grave mistake in her eyes. She wouldn’t tolerate indiscipline at any cost. 

So, he could only go on with whatever they said. Which if he thought about it, was one of the best possible scenarios. If it were any other Gryffindors, they would not even wait for him to open his mouth before running to McGonagall. He could’ve got McGonagall to not send his mother a letter but he would lose him Room. 

He quite likes his room and he would not like to lose it. While it has been only been weeks since he started his Potion experimentation, he had discovered the room at the start of his year while running from his Breakdown. He had multiple breakdowns at Hogwarts - both mental and physical but the day he realised that he had been gaslighted and emotionally manipulated and controlled and brainwashed all his life was The Breakdown. 

The room helped him process everything by himself, it gave him a space that he could call his own, a place without the looming presence of his parents, away from his Death Eater classmates and also away from himself. He could not be himself in the room, he could be someone else and it wouldn’t matter. He could hide from himself and it wouldn’t matter. He could be against everything that his existence stood for and it wouldn’t matter. 

In the room, nothing mattered. And as he scrubbed all the mirth away from today, he desperately hoped that he could handle Lily and James without causing any troubles. 

*** 

And boy, how wrong he was. 

The next day, he begrudgingly got away from Pandora during lunch. It’s a time they always spend together because of their different Houses. Last time he went home, his mother had starved him for two days for being friends with Pandora and she promised worse if she heard about it again. He could always end his friendship with them, he knew that - and it would be easy to do so. He can just hurt them. Show them that he hasn’t changed and that his parents succeeded in creating a Death Eater out of him. He already did that to Barty and Evan in a way but somehow they still stuck around.

But Pandora was his best friend. They were the one of the things that kept him sane during his Breakdown. They even pulled him out of it. They didn’t give up on him. They didn’t leave him, despite his sorry self.  

He couldn’t possibly ever hurt Pandora’s feelings. He would starve for days if it meant being friends with them. He figured out a way to be friends with them in secret. They would meet for lunch everyday, in another room he had discovered during his Hogwarts Wanderings during The Breakdown. It was easier to access than the other one and hence he could teach them a route. Pandora also charmed the door in a way that it would disappear from anyone’s view as long as there were people inside it. Otherwise, it would be visible to everyone. 

So, it was a bit hard to break it to them that he wouldn’t be able to meet for lunch for the next two weeks. He didn’t want to lie to them, he hated doing that but it would be a major risk. Any slip up hinted at Regulus being directly involved with those two, it would be bad for all the parties. So, he told them that he had detention work for accidentally hexing a Gryffindor third year. (It truly happened but he had gotten away with it and it was also indeed an accident but the other Death Eaters don’t need to know that. He could do with some polishing of the image now and then.)

“Are you breaking up with me?” Pandora's voice quivered with fake despair. Regulus rolled his eyes. 

“Panda, no I’m not. We are not even dating! I really can’t get out of this. I promise I’ll find some time to meet you. How about right after all your classes, hmm?” 

“You have Quidditch practice.” 

“Oh fuck, you’re right I do.” He cringed. If anybody were to examine their relationship, it would seem like they’re dating the way they had memorised his schedule. Pandora’s lips dipped lower, it now curved at the shape of a perfect inverted U. Regulus wanted to hit himself for making them feel like this even though they were probably exaggerating it. 

“Panda… how about we do it like today? Spare some 10 minutes from breakfast to meet me? Or maybe dinner? I will give you my desserts every single day.”

“For the rest of the year?” they wondered. 

“For two weeks.” 

“You’re no fun. For two months.” 

“One month.” 

Their eyes lit up. “Deal. Now come here let me tell you what I overheard at yesterday’s dinner.” They gossiped and giggled until their next class. He felt bad lying to Pandora but then he thought about showing them what he had been working on. Surely it would make up for it? It was Pandora, they would understand. Regulus couldn’t wait to gift them the candle. 

If only these two could shut the fuck up…

“Lily, from the years of having the privilege of being my friend…”

“More like the burden of being your friend.” 

“I will not be taking that comment seriously for the sake of my mental health. But. If there’s one thing that you need to know is that pranking is not a hobby, it is a lifestyle.” 

“Didn’t you say that about Quidditch the other day too?” 

“Of course I did, two statements can exist at the same time.” 

“Not if the statements are utter bullshit.”

“Do I contradict myself? Then very well I contradict myself. I am large-” 

“Who in their right mind would teach you that?” 

“Lily Evans, what do you have against pranking and Quidditch? Let me have the honour of changing your ways.” 

“The only thing that’s changing is my unfounded acknowledgement of your existence.” 

“Please don’t use those big words with me. Do you truly hate me?” 

“What if I do?” 

Regulus could not focus on making his Potion again, with slightly different ingredients this time, with these two idiots shouting in his ears non stop.

“You know I would prefer it if you both snogged instead of yelling like this, at least it would shut you both up. I can really use some silence right now.” he told them. 

“Aw, Regulus, do you want to watch the two hottest students of Hogwarts make out? I didn’t think you would be into that.” James coos at him. 

“You both are not the two hottest students of Hogwarts.” 

James looks deeply offended by this. He folded his arms and pointed his chin towards him. “OK. Let’s hear it then. Who do you think are the two hottest students of Hogwarts?” 

Even though Lily hadn’t reacted to his other statement, she looked curious about this one. Now Regulus wished he hadn’t talked. They both were looking at him and he squirmed under their gaze. 

“Um, Alice Fortescue, obviously.” he mumbled. 

“I would agree with you but she’s already taken. Don’t think about her like that! Lucky lad he is, that Frank. Yes.” James nodded. 

“Just because she has a boyfriend doesn’t mean she’s hot as fuck.” Lily told him. 

“I don’t care. And?” He looked at Regulus again.  

“And…” Regulus' ears flushed, he hoped it wasn’t prominent in the badly lit room. 

“Remus Lupin.” 

Silence. 

James cleared his throat after a few beats. “Me too. I think he was my first crush.” James said with a conflicted emotion on his face. 

“Me three.” Their heads snapped towards her at once. “Not saying this because he’s one of my best friends but… you’re right, Remus is really one of the hottest people I have ever met.” Lily added. 

“Same. I would let him win over me in the Hotness Department any day.” Although, his face looked troubled by the words.

Regulus felt weird admitting that his brother’s best friend was the hottest person in Hogwarts, especially when there was a chance that he could turn into his brother’s boyfriend. But it was the truth and it’s not like they could go and tell Sirius this. He would never believe them.   

Regulus cleared his throat. “Well, I’m glad we could agree on this. Now if you both could maybe keep quiet and let me work on this in peace…” 

“What are you trying to do anyways? And why is it taking you so many weeks?” James questioned him. 

“I’m following a recipe from a book, it’s a modified version of making Potions for children where they add different flavours. I have been trying to switch up multiple scents as flavours but they all turn out… pretty questionable.” 

“What happened to scents changing based on moods?” 

Regulus looked sheepish. He brought his hand back to massage his neck. “Well, that was the initial idea but I couldn’t find anything about it so I gave up and tried to add five scents that my friend likes to one single candle.” 

“Is that this one?” Lily asked, holding up one of the discarded attempts. It was brown in colour, Regulus had no idea how it got like that, he clearly had put a pink dye. 

“Yes it is, uh, I recommend you don’t smell it.” he warned. 

“Why the hell not?” James grabbed it from Lily’s hand and put his nose towards the glass. 

He started gagging instantly. “What the actual fuck. Regulus. What shit is this? Like actual shit? Why does it smell like shit? Literal shit?”

“I warned you.” 

“Merlin. You’re hopeless at this. Now I feel bad for not offering help.” 

“I don’t need your help, Potter. I can manage just fine.” he snapped at him. 

“Yeah, I can clearly see that.” 

Regulus turned away from them and ignored him. He focused on the potion. Low heat, snails’ sweat, dew from a rose, some strands of cat fur… 

The cauldron hissed. He waited for it to spit something out but it never came. That’s a lot of progress, he had to admit. He would never tell them that though. James looked restless, glaring at the cauldron. Lily was deep in thought. 

Regulus crushed some rabbit teeth. 

“Regulus.” Lily called out. 

“Yes?” he replied, hesitantly. He came inside the room with a resolution that he would not speak a word to them but work in silence but it didn’t last for even one minute before he snapped “SHUT THE FUCK UP” at them. 

“Do you know what an Amortentia is?” she asked him. 

He hummed in response. “The love potion? Obviously, I know of it.” 

“Do you know how to make it?” 

“No.” he scowled at her. “Do you?” 

“Slughorn showed it to us before but I have never made it.”

“Then why are you asking me?” 

“What are the scents in Amortentia?” she was looking directly at him and he met her eyes when he looked up.  

The scents of something you love. Oh. Oh. 

He gulped with the realisation of the idea that Lily’s words revealed to him. How did he never think of that? He almost resented her for it if not for the feeling of glee taking over him. 

Maybe Lily sensed that as well because she smiled softly at him. He smiled back a bit. Maybe having the topper Lily Evans around him was not that bad after all. 

“That’s… perfect.” 

James looked between the both of them quizzically. “What’s perfect? Amortentia? Nah huh, it’s a pain in the ass is what it is. My dad was never a fan of it and he was a potioneer!” 

Regulus’ mind raced, ignoring whatever James was blabbering about. 

Amortentia was a love potion but it was also something that had the scent of something you loved. So as long as they don’t consume it, they could smell what they loved. He just had to mix it with some wax and a dye and cool it! It could work, as long as Pandora did not take a bite of the candle. Which he had to admit, wasn’t something that he could trust them with. He cringed at the thought of Pandora eating the candle that he made. 

The only obvious problem was acquiring the love potion itself. 

“Do you reckon we can steal some from Slughorn?” he asked her. 

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. “As far as I know, the last batch he made was destroyed by a group of idiots.” She blatantly narrowed her eyes at James. 

“Hey, we just wanted to take some of it for Remus!”

“Remus could have taken a look at it when he recovered, you and I both know that Slughorn would let him.” she retorted. 

“But- but, he was having a bad day and we just wanted to cheer him up!” James whined. “We didn’t know it would topple over and spill everywhere.” 

Lily looked at him like he was an idiot. Which he was. Regulus couldn’t understand how the whole school was head over heels for James. What did they see that Regulus couldn’t? 

“So.” he tried to focus on his problem at hand. “The only option is to make it.” 

Regulus sighed. He didn’t know how to make it. And even if he did, he couldn’t possibly make a good batch in two weeks with the level of skills he had. 

“I guess it’s time to resort to begging.” he mumbled under his breath. 

“Beg? Who? Slughorn?” James asked. 

He shot him a look. “Of course not. Beg Snape. If anyone can make Amortentia in two weeks perfectly, it’s him.” 

“Snape?” he spit out. “Um, no. I disagree. If anyone can make Amortentia in two weeks perfectly, it’s me. Not that idiot.” 

“He’s not an idiot.” Regulus told him. Snape is not his close friend but he can’t let James talk about him like that. Even though he knows that Snape has said worse things about James to him. But he doesn’t need to know that. 

“He’s the biggest idiot in Slytherin and that’s saying something.” 

Lily looked uncomfortable. Regulus felt like he should change the subject. He guessed that Lily might not want to engage in talking about her ex best friend. 

“If you’re so confident then why don’t you make it, hmm?” 

“Fuck yeah I will!” James hollered. It was ridiculous. Does he not realise that by saying that he is indirectly helping Regulus out? 

“Whatever.” he rolled his eyes. He couldn’t possibly trust James. He had to manage something else somehow. 

“I can help you out.” Lily said suddenly. 

“What? Why?” Why would Lily want to help him out? He wondered. 

“It’ll be helpful for my N.E.W.Ts. I’ll need to spend time here for the next two weeks anyway so I’ll just practice with this. It’s a win-win situation if you ask me.” She was right. He wouldn’t mind Lily helping him. He didn’t have anything against her. James on the other hand… 

Lily might have other intentions to help him but he can’t see any possibility of her going against Regulus in any way, maybe it’s just some ego issue of hers. But with James, he could pose a harm for Regulus and everything that he tried to achieve so far. He might go to Sirius and tell him about this. He might go to the Death Eaters and tell him that he had been spending time with them. He had the power to ruin his efforts. What if he jeopardised the potion itself? As some sort of revenge prank on behalf of his best friend?

Regulus nodded at Lily. “Thank you. But I am not letting him anywhere near it.” 

Lily shrugged. “Fine by me.” 

“Not fine by me. Why does she get to help and I don’t?” 

“She’s not my estranged brother’s best friend.”

“Wha - How - but she is his friend!” 

“I just don’t trust you, Potter.” 

“Regulus, he is my best friend but I would never tell him anything you have asked me not to.” 

“I don’t know that.” 

James sighed. Regulus was right, maybe James knew that deep down but of course it’s James Potter. How can someone do something in front of a person like him without him getting or wanting to get involved? James is not someone who just stood on the side and watched. 

Or maybe it’s a twisted way of Regulus taking revenge on him. His brother had left him and had gone to James. He may be nice or kind or good but some part of Regulus might always resent him for having something that Regulus did not and which ultimately drew his brother towards him. 

He knows that it’s not his ‘lack’ that Sirius left. Or maybe it was. Maybe if he could get out of the clutches his family had on his mind earlier he would’ve followed Sirius. But no, Regulus was not strong like him. He was fragile and easy to break. 

One thought that crossed his mind when thinking about it was - if instead of Regulus, it was James who was Sirius’ little brother - would he have fought harder? Would he have stayed a bit longer? Would he have looked back and given him one more chance? He would never know. Regulus only knows that whatever he was at that time, he wasn’t enough. And by the time he was enough, there was no one to be worthy for. 

So Regulus purposefully left James out of this. And he didn’t feel any better about it. 

The next day, Lily brought him her notes. 

The next, next day, Regulus gave them (only Lily, James would have to earn his privilege) a journal and instructions. 

The next, next, next day, James pulled out three pairs of advanced safety gear he got from his father’s laboratory. 

The rest of the days, they sat and made candles that led to Slughorn running out of materials that he had to cancel his classes for a few days. 

The Room became a space again. For three people this time. 

Chapter Text

Harry feels worn out. He only falls asleep when the next day rolls over, his eyes closing as the first rays of sunlight fall through the small gap in the curtains, his hand still tucked inside the journal. 

He had been crying, the tears dried up on his cheeks made his face even younger. He doesn’t look like a boy that survived war. He looks like he’s been grieving the war before it even started. 

Maybe that’s what he’s been feeling. He didn’t know why the tears were falling from his eyes as he read. He didn’t have the energy to fight it either.

Harry felt like went through the war all over again. 

He felt like he’d been lied to all his life. By his own parents. His parents that he never knew. 

He felt like he was missing a stranger so badly, so badly that he cannot believe he’s hurting so much. 

And all Harry can do is feel. He feels, and then he falls asleep.

Some of the letters are personal rants, some of them are back and forth banter between the three of them. Regulus writes book reviews. He writes poetry. Lily writes notes from lectures. She mentions that there are two other journals which are the same so that they didn’t have to pass it back and forth. Regulus charmed them as well. They write to each other all day, the entries are endless and Harry thinks he might never run out of them. James draws. He doodles scenes from his life. He explains their genius pranks. He sketches their faces. 

And Harry feels through it all. 

On the page where his fingers rest inside the journal are words that sang him to sleep.  He falls asleep with the name of the Sun on his lips.  

*** 

Dear diary, 

I don’t write much in this but I have to get something off my chest. It’s going to be midnight soon so I don’t have much time to write before it all disappears. I mean, that’s what I’m hoping for because I don’t want Lily or Reg to see this. And I know they won’t be looking into their journals right now because they are asleep in front of me. They are practically cuddling each other and I just felt so much of something inside me that I wanted to talk about it to someone. And other than you, there’s nobody who knows about us so I guess I’ll have to vent to a fucking book. Let me tell you, I am done for! How did I get here? How did I end up with this journal? In this room? With these people? How did this all happen? It’s honestly driving me insane and everything is going so fast and I am so scared of what’s going to happen but I don’t want to tell them I’m scared I mean they probably know it but UGH. Life is ridiculous. It’s so fucking ridiculous, it has no right to be. I have no right to be so happy and so terrified at the same time during war. But I am. There’s no escaping that so I will just have to deal with it, right? Wait. Hello Lily, Hello Reg if you’re reading this then no you’re not I forgot that you can read entries in random I am hoping that my luck is so bad that this never shows up to you both but if it does I just wanted to say that both of you snore AND drool in your sleep it’s honestly embarrassing. Anyways. Now that I started writing I guess there’s no going back just read this and forget about it. Never bring it up to me ever or I will genuinely never talk to you both again I swear and I’m not kidding. Yeah. So. I have this feeling every time I come here, to this room. It’s been a few months and we’ll be going back to our homes and I realised that I will miss this room. I will miss coming here and smelling what you guys are up to from a mile away which reminds me I need to put up a charm for that in case people start smelling your cooking experiments from somewhere. I will miss coming here and having a breakdown. Well not the breakdown part but more like the space. You know what I mean? Again I don’t know how I got here, with you two, just existing and not feeling guilty about it. Not having any expectations or obligations or anything. I feel real here sometimes. That sounds a bit sad if you think about it. But what can I say, I’m just so good at not thinking. But when I start to think  about not thinking it gets a bit overwhelming so I will not go down that road. Though, I want to change that. Desperately. I’m like that quote that Reg and Lily exclaim to each other when they like to get dramatic. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope? I will change that one day. Soon. Maybe not tonight. Tonight, I will not think or feel. Tonight, I will look at them sleeping and draw in this book. My hands are itching to sketch Reg’s hand ruffling around Lily’s hair. Boy thinks he’s so subtle about it, he’s playing with her hair even in her sleep! How cute is that? Oh fuck now I want to run my hands through his hair ugh. But it would wake him up and that cannot happen for a while so I guess I just have to deal with it. Yeah, so, wow. I don’t know what to say anymore. What perfect timing, it’s probably going to hit 12 o’clock soon. Let me get started on that drawing. Thank you for hearing me out, dear diary. Reggie created you so I believe you have a soul. You are so important to me. When we are all gone from this world, I hope you don’t turn to dust or ashes or anything. I don’t mind if you lie all forgotten in the basement of a house or anything but just keep existing in the world. I know you will. Anyways, goodnight!  

Harry feels. He doesn’t know what it is but he feels something and that is enough. 

Chapter Text

Lily was panicking. A little bit. She kept rubbing her palms over each other again and again. The heat created by the friction was starting to hurt. Apparently, it was Regulus’ birthday tomorrow and she was only finding it out today. And looks like James too, observing the way his eyes almost popped out of their sockets when Sirius was discussing his own birthday party and offhandedly mentioned that his brother was also born on the same day as him.  

It took Lily a very huge amount of restraint to not spit out the water she had been drinking when she heard that. They were talking about things to do for Sirius’ birthday tomorrow when he vehemently refused to go to the Astronomy Tower. 

“What? Why? You love looking at your own star!”

 Lily rolled her eyes at that, at least the brothers had a common thing in this regard. Regulus never shuts up about stars. 

“Come on, let’s all go up there at midnight. That would be so fun. We could have a small picnic there too.” Peter said excitedly. 

Sirius looked deeply unsettled at the idea. “No, no, nope. We are not starting my birthday looking at the stars. No fucking way.” he shook his head. “Not when he’s going to be in the sky too.” he mumbled a beat later. 

“Who’s going to be in the sky?” Remus asked him, raising his eyebrow in confusion. 

“Regulus. He was born on my birthday.” Sirius replied bitterly. “Why couldn’t he pick literally any other day?” 

“I don’t think he could do anything about it, Pads.” 

“You guys have the same birthday? Damn.” Mary said.

“Unfortunately.” Sirius twisted his mouth in distaste. He quickly changed the subject after that. And nobody brought it up again. That was the drill in their friend group, they would never mention or talk about the Slytherins, especially not Regulus who wasn’t brought up much at all.

It was the same on both sides, when talking with Regulus, Sirius was a banned topic. He would never ask anything about his brother and she and James never mentioned him either. James had said he was surprised. That's his brother, how can he hate him so much? He had told Lily. She had looked at him with a little bit of envy, he didn't know what it is like to have a sibling. She never tried to talk about fixing their relationship - that would be hypocrisy. But James tried his best, often slipping up small tidbits about Sirius now and then.

The conversation went on, everyone throwing suggestions for the party since it was a Sunday and they had no classes to attend. Nobody noticed that Lily and James mostly stayed quiet, not adding anything of their own. Their eyes met time and again, both thinking the same thing.

It was Regulus’ birthday tomorrow. 

And it was Sirius’ birthday as well. James would not be able to stay away from him for more than five minutes. How has Regulus not breathed a word about it to them so far? The idiot must have thought it wasn’t important enough to mention, Lily thought. She was not surprised. If Sirius hadn’t mentioned, they would not even know that it was his birthday and they would probably not meet him either considering that usually Sirius’ birthday celebrations went all day long. They would be filling their stomachs with cupcakes and butterbeers and not knowing what Reg would be doing. 

Regulus may be confident in his academics, his demeanour also radiated it and not to mention he was absolutely excellent in Quidditch but the boy never thought of himself. It was in their second week of spending time in the Room and doing Potions that Lily came to realise that he even forgot to have his meals. 

“Not important. I’ll still live.” he had said nonchalantly that day while skipping both breakfast and lunch that day. And ever since, Lily made sure to grab at least one snack from the kitchens before heading there. (later it turned to two because James still had the stomach for it, even after helping himself to three servings of food earlier)

She wondered if at least Pandora knew of his birthday, they were his only close friend and the way Reg talks about them maybe there was a chance someone in the castle would wish him.

Lily thought about what it must be to have the same birthday as your sibling. The thought made her feel strangely unpleasant. Oh, she would definitely hate sharing her birthday with Petunia. That would just be awful. A cake that she would have to cut with her? Going birthday shopping with her? Opening her presents with her? That would definitely turn into a competition of who got the better gifts. And who got the more expensive dress. And who got the most wishes and greetings. She felt bad for Regulus now.

She wanted to know what he felt about it. Does he think of his brother on his birthday? Wish that he could spend it with him? Does she think of me on my birthday? Lily thought about her sister again. She never got any letters, the only time her sister acknowledged her was when she had to go back home for breaks and there was quite possibly no choice but to be in her presence. She remembered her birthdays though. She had sent cards for three years before she grew bitter, felt hopeless and gave up. But she always remembered. You could always find her lurking inside the Herbology garden on Petunia’s birthdays. 

James, being Sirius’ soulmate, best friend, love of the life, brother from another mother etc had a hard time wrenching away from him on the eve of his birthday. She would have to pull him away to talk to herself.

“James,” she waves at him. “A minute of your time?” she made herself smile sweetly at him. Their friends still believed that they both were playing a game of chase and playing around. All of them were patiently waiting for both of them to get together, everyone knew it. 

To them, Lily and James have been spending lots of time together. They would sneak away during lunch, after Quidditch practices, before dinner, in any free time they got to themself and not emerge back for a couple of hours straight. They were not being very secretive about it either. She didn’t mind going with that lie if it meant more time with Regulus. 

James questioned her once, asking what he should tell his friends who kept asking him what he's been doing with Lily when they sneak out. 

“Just say that you're still trying to win me over. That I'm playing hard to get. Whatever, I don't mind.” she had said. 

“It's been weeks Lils, you're kinda hurting my reputation here.” 

“You can tell everyone that you won't give up no matter what, isn't that a nice image to have?” 

James nibbled on his lips. “That’ll make me look like a loser but sure if you say so.” 

But Lily couldn't help thinking that he might be right. Even her friends have been pestering her and telling to just date James already. If only it were that easy. 

Maybe it was that easy? 

An idea started taking its roots in her head. 

James came over to her, the snickers of his friends following behind. Sirius, despite being only focused on himself at this moment, cracked a sly smile at him walking over to Lily. She beckoned him towards the corner, a safe distance away from their friends. 

“We're in trouble” he grimaces as a greeting. 

“We are. But I have a plan that might help us be less in trouble.” 

“The funny part is that we truly really aren't in trouble, you know? He probably doesn't even care about his birthday” he groans. 

“I know.” 

“Why does he have to be like this? I can't help but care even more. Ugh. I hate him.” 

“Me too.” she agrees.

“So what do we do?” 

“So-” 

James suddenly let out a loud whine before she could say anything. He looked positively distressed, now that she noticed carefully. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

“I don’t have a present for him! What kind of a friend am I? Do you think he’ll hate me forever?” if it wasn’t James Potter who was saying this in a strangled voice, Lily would think the display of anxiety being over the top and too dramatic. But this is James Potter who she has come to know in a new light, her friend who took up way more space in her heart than her other friends – a boy who hides his social anxiety in his loudness and casual friendships and mischief.

“James, he doesn’t even expect you to know his birthday. We can surprise him with something.” 

“But how? ” he sneaks a glance towards Sirius who is still excitedly chatting about his birthday plans. 

“Hear me out,” she starts saying conspiratorially, beckoning him closer and curving her palm over her mouth. “I agree to be your girlfriend. Congratulations.” 

If Lily thought James would clap his hands or holler out something, she was completely wrong. He did not look amused. 

“What? What about Regulus?” His eyes narrow on her.  

“What about him?” 

He gives her a blank stare. “Come on Lils, we have been hanging out with The Regulus Black from the Ancient and Noble House of Black for weeks every single day and now you’re telling me you want to be my girlfriend? If I’m not wrong, which I hope I’m not, I thought we liked him. ”

While Lily might not feel what James feels towards Regulus, she still feels some sort of way. What she felt toward Reg was not something that she could explain, even to herself. 

“Firstly, I do not want to be your girlfriend. You asked me to be your girlfriend, remember? Secondly, yes we do like him. I also like you.” 

Somehow, Lily did not find it hard to talk about this kind of thing with James. It felt like they were on the same wavelength, fighting for the same side. Even though they might have started it all off on the wrong foot - with James asking her out on the insistence of his friends and Lily considering his offer because she wanted to just feel something. 

But between their self imposed supervision of Regulus’ potion experiment and study sessions that happened in between and the secret meetings in the Room that continued even after he finished making his candles, they found themselves not only tolerating each other’s presence (in the case of Lily) and strongly veiled indifference (incase of James) but also liking the time spent together and getting to know one other. It might also have to do with their mutual interest in Regulus who caught and kept their interest. 

And they were still on their way to getting to know him - the boy had a lot going on for him. He hadn’t talked to them much in the start, everything they talked about was related to Potions or bickering with James on stupid Quidditch takes. But after a week or so, he started opening up to them and they got on pretty well together after that. Although, not well enough to discuss feelings.

“Well that’s perfect. I like you too! Don’t you think we are leaving out someone in this conversation?” He raises his eyebrows at her and replies. 

“Gosh, you can really be a dumb jock sometimes.”  

“Excuse me? Let me get this straight-” 

“ You can never get anything straight .” she lets out a giggle. Regulus’ flat jokes were rubbing off on her. And of course, she loves to point out how Hogwarts’ boyfriend James Potter who everyone assumes to be straight as a pole confessed to her one day that he had certain thoughts related to Regulus and asked for her help to get rid of the said thoughts because he possibly couldn’t be feeling like that about his best friend’s brother! Cue James Potter gay awakening. 

“Shut up Lils. If we’re putting whatever has been going for the past few weeks into words finally, shouldn’t we talk about it with Reg?” 

“Yes, we’ll tell him someday but that’s not what I was getting at. First of all, I’m kind of scared of telling him - what if he gets scared and cuts us off? He still doesn’t trust you completely.” James makes an offensive sound at that. “Plus, even if he does, we cannot make it public anyway but what we can do is date each other publicly and then hang out with him secretly. And our friends wouldn’t suspect anything with that.” 

“Oh Merlin, Oh that's actually bloody brilliant. You’re my girlfriend now!” 

“Yes. Now let’s use this to sneak out tomorrow and celebrate his birthday.” she giggles. 

Without thinking about it, they both moved forward to hug each other. And behind them, there was an echo of delightful screams and clapping and whistling. 

They pulled back and looked into each other’s eyes. Both their eyes reflected an absence of the sparkle of a star. 

Chapter Text

James was not panicking. He was having a complete breakdown. 

Just. What kind of a friend was he? What kind of a person was he? His parents would be so, so disappointed in him. 

Fuck, what would Regulus think? And just as he thought of him, his brother started walking towards him. 

“So,” Sirius started, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. “When were you going to tell me that you were gonna ask out Lily Evans?” 

James gulped down a strange feeling before answering. Technically this was Lily’s idea so it meant that she asked him out first. But narratively, for their friends, it was James who was pursuing Lily so it was only plausible that he was the one to ask. Plus, to keep his image and reputation as Lily said, that was the action they were aiming for as well. 

“Pads, honestly, I didn’t even think she would say yes. I’ve been asking for weeks!” 

“Fucking finally, mate! I’m so happy for you.” He lets out a laugh. “I was kind of waiting for it to be honest, you’ve been spending an awful amount of time with her!”

“See, her love language is quality time or something so I had to find ways to spend time with her.” he shrugs at him.  

Sirius nodded appreciatively. “Mmm Prongs that’s sweet but I just hope you won’t forget about me okay? I’ve been feeling neglected.” he says, frowning and bringing his palm to caress his chest. “I miss you. I’m letting you off now because I know how much you’ve been pining for her but after the honeymoon phase you’re back to spending all your time with me.”

James chuckled and joked, “Not sure if Moony would appreciate that, mate.” 

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re right. We can schedule our timings in a way that doesn’t clash with our boyfriend duties. Wait, oh! We can go on double dates! Two stones at a time!”

“Yes! With one bird!” he cheers back at him in the same excited tone. Oh, Sirius is so precious. Why is he so precious? Why is his brother so precious? He cringes thinking about bringing Regulus to one of Sirius’ dates. 

Remus rolls his eyes at them as he walks over, faking annoyance at his boyfriend but he smiles when he looks at James and gives him a congratulatory pat on the shoulder. 

“About time, mate.” he says and James smiles back sheepishly. He guessed he has to get used to people thinking that he’s dating Lily. 

Which, technically, if you think about it, he is. 

Lily said he likes him ( and Regulus) and James reciprocated the feeling (to Regulus as well) so they are indeed actually dating each other. Huh, he thought. But Regulus didn’t know any of that and it is his birthday tomorrow! James couldn’t believe it slipped his mind with all these new developments. The developments that only happened because of the birthday. 

He could cry right now. He doesn’t know if it’s because he and Lily possibly might have a chance to spend time with Regulus tomorrow or because he still hasn’t come up with a gift for him. He was the worst person ever. 

James’ gift giving anxiety probably started in his second year. Before coming to Hogwarts, he did not have many friends. He used to meet children his age sometimes here and there but nobody really stuck around enough to be his ‘friend’. And because of his father’s budding business, they had to move around a lot before settling down when his school started until his parents did not have to run behind their business anymore. 

They took him everywhere they went which meant that James never really had childhood friends to play with in the neighbourhood. Whenever they travelled, he would meet the kids of his parent’s acquaintances or clients who would play with him for a few days but would eventually go back to their ‘best friend’. He never understood the hype behind the concept as a child plainly because he never had one. All the children he met had their own best friends and apparently it was a rule that you could have only one best friend. 

James grew out of that rule later when he found not one but three best friends but his friendship related anxiety stuck. 

The first child he met, who didn’t have a best friend like him, was Sirius Orion Black. A thin boy with straight black hair and sharp eyes. When James thought back about their first interaction, he laughed at how out of character it was. They were so different when they met. 

His parents had asked him to shake Sirius’ hand and talk to him when they spotted him standing alone on the platform waiting for the train, looking dejected but also excited. Later he came to know that his parents were too busy to see him off. 

“Hello, I am James Potter.” he stretched out his hand. 

Sirius had nodded solemnly, like a scared child. 

“Hello, I am Sirius Black.” 

“Do you have a best friend?” was the first question he asked him. It was important. He had to find people who did not already have best friends. James had met Lily before he bumped into Sirius but Lily already had one. He did not like Severus Snape from day one so he did not spend much time with them. 

Sirius' face turned thoughtful and then he shook his head and James had finally felt like Hogwarts won’t be so bad. 

“I don’t have a best friend but I have a brother.” 

James was surprised at that. As an only child, he didn’t know how siblings worked either. And Sirius was all too happy to talk about his little brother and in the hours that they spent in the train travelling to Hogwarts, James and Sirius’ became each other's best friend. 

But, it had turned out that James wasn’t all too familiar with friendship etiquettes. 

The only presents he got for his birthday were from his parents and he never had a friend to give presents to, so that line of thought hadn’t even crossed his mind until he found Sirius crying in their dorm on the night of his birthday in their second year. James had wished him and given him a tight hug,  he even gave Sirius his own share of dessert during dinner but -

James didn’t know why he was crying and Sirius did not want to talk about it. 

(James will never know that the reason he cried was because his little brother who had joined Hogwarts that year not only did not wish him birthday but also purposefully ignored and pretended he didn’t exist when Sirius brought him a present.)

But James didn’t know and he had gone to ask Peter about it. Peter was one of his friends now but they hadn’t gotten as close as him and Sirius but he still pondered on Sirius’ actions with him and gave his thoughts. 

“Well, did he get any good presents?” he had asked him. 

“Presents? I’m not sure. I don’t know if his parents sent any.” 

Peter scowled. “Sirius’ parents don’t seem like the kind that sends presents. Did you not get him anything?” 

James sputtered. “Was I supposed to?” 

“So you did not get him a present!? James of course he’s crying! He didn’t get any present from his best friend!” 

That day, James and Peter and Remus made sure to give Sirius the best belated birthday present of his life. And ever since he saw his best friend cry, James Potter did not forget his friend's birthday presents. 

And he sure as hell wasn’t going to not celebrate Regulus’ birthday. It was Regulus. As infuriating and mean and stoic as he is, he was kind. He was kind and quiet and smart and adorable - James would rather set himself on fire than not celebrate Regulus’ birthday.

But what would he give? Not only that one day was not enough to plan something but on top of that he had to contribute to Sirius’ birthday. And Regulus was trying to invent something new altogether for Pandora’s birthday so his standards must be high! Oh, what a disaster. 

Perhaps he should just fall off the Astronomy Tower and lie in the Hospital Wing the whole day? With every thought racing in his brain, the idea seemed more appealing than ever. He could say that he slipped while trying to look at a bird. 

His thoughts were interrupted by shouts and clapping from his friends. He hadn’t realised that Sirius and Remus were now standing away from him, smiling widely at each other. This probably meant that their birthday plans were finalised. 

He sighed, trying to ward off the headache that was slowly crawling up his brain. Feigning excitement, he moved towards them. 

“So, what’s the plan?” he grinned conspiratorially. 

“We’re PRANKING AND PARTYING BABEYYYY”

“Getting PISSED!” another voice shouted, met with a round of claps. 

“And PELTING THOSE PRICKS” 

“At the same time!” 

“Kind of losing the plot here, mate.” James huffed out, trying to hide the concern in his voice. Those pricks could only mean one thing to Sirius. 

He was grinning so wide it was almost scary. It was kind of scary, to be perfectly honest. Sirius Black had the most over the top and gruesome prank ideas which did not always go very well in Hogwarts. James was pretty sure many of those would have got them expelled, if not for his parents. 

“The Great Hall is going to witness its peak greatness tomorrow, Prongs.” He winked at him. “It’s been a while since Marauders have done a memorable prank and Peter here suggested a fabulous idea which I loved and hence I want to see it happen on my birthday!” 

Before Regulus, James would be all in for their friend groups pranks. Slytherins were just a House he hated. But one person in that House is someone he cares about so anything that would target the Slytherin now, James hated. And Sirius obviously is still on bad terms with his brother so that wouldn’t stop him from doing anything that would potentially hurt him either. 

But, he tried not to show it in front of his friends. They absolutely cannot suspect James having sympathy for the Slytherins. It’s not like Regulus doesn’t talk shit about the Gryffindors either - he insults them whenever he could, even in front of two Gryffindors themselves. And he doesn’t mind it, most of the time, he finds Regulus’ commentary about his House hilarious.

“So, what’s the plan?” he smirks while asking. 

“The plan is simple. We’re going to spike Slytherin's breakfast tomorrow and enjoy the chaos!” 

Oh, that was bad. That was fun. But also, bad. 

“Padfoot, how do you plan on making sure the kids’ drinks are not spiked? That’s so dangerous!” 

“Fret not, my brother. We’re only targeting the sixth and seventh years. And it’s not too much! Just a teeny tiny bit to make them dizzy and fuzzy.” 

James laughed at that. “Sure.”

“And then we’re going to blast some music using Mary’ record player which we’ll have to hide using, you know, something.” Sirius winks at him. Of course, his Invisibility Cloak will always be an unpaid actor in their pranks. 

“That’s great, Pads! It’s perfect. Any plans at midnight?” he asked, hoping that there would be a gap somewhere in the middle of Sirius’ birthday plans when he could sneak away and go meet the other Black brother. 

He shrugged and something like hope started filling in James’ heart - maybe his birthday is not going to be so busy this year?

“Nothing much, we’re gonna work on the spells and potions for the prank with Miss Brainy Evans and Moony here. Sorry to take away your girlfriend from you so soon Prongsie.” he adds with an apologetic smile. Hmm, if he genuinely is really sorry about that perhaps he will give James and Lily some alone time during the day? 

“That’s alright, hey I’ll be helping with the stuff too!” 

“Waitttt ohmygod it’s a double study date! This is brilliant!” Sirius suddenly shouted. 

“YES!”he shouted back and went to hug him. 

It won’t be very easy but there might be a window for James and Lily to get away from Sirius. As long as he acts all dejected about not getting to spend quality time with Lily ever since they got together. And Sirius being the romantic and supportive best friend he is, would give them some privacy? And then he’ll just have to get his Map and Cloak and go find Regulus! He also didn’t need to be worried about his drink getting spiked since Regulus is a Fifth year, he just had to hope that Sirius didn’t go out of the way just to spike his brother’s drink as a birthday present.

Now about his own birthday present… Ah. 

He was utterly fucked.

Chapter Text

James and Lily. Lily and James. It was always just them, James Potter and Lily Evans. There would be no universe, Regulus thought, where James would not fall in love with Lily and in no universe would Lily not fall in love with James. It was a fact. It’s a creed. And for Regulus, it was a prayer. In a few years, he would not be there and James and Lily will still continue to love each other and they would have a child maybe, they would have jobs that made them happy and they would die together. But also, Regulus wanted to throw up at the thought. 

It was a Sunday. It was his birthday. It was his brother’s birthday. And he was up in the Astronomy tower with his head empty and his heart weighing down with a memory. 

—

The tradition started when Sirius had turned six and Regulus had turned five. The days leading up to their birthdays, Sirius was trembling with excitement. Last year, their parents had arranged a lavish party for the occasion. Both of them were showered with a lot of attention and presents and clothes. Regulus could not remember most of it and he did not even understand the idea of parties and birthdays, all he wanted to do was follow Sirius around everywhere like a puppy. And Sirius, being the bashful big brother, had been chatting to Regulus about the surprise birthday party they were going to get, just like the previous year. 

In the dark of the night, they huddled together closely,  pretending to sleep in their rooms, giggling to each other and waiting for someone to reveal themselves and break into a birthday song. 

The house was quiet save the little sounds that Regulus made and Sirius trying to shush him. 

Seconds turned into minutes and when a whole hour passed with no one in sight, the brothers eventually fell asleep with a whispered assurance that the people would show up in the morning, they would have a bigger party. 

When they woke up, there was no one in the house except for Kreacher, their house elf. He told them that Masters had gone away for a meeting. It wasn’t a huge surprise, not really, their parents more often than not would leave the brothers alone in the house in care of the elves and sometimes, a tutor. But on their birthday? It must have been an important one, surely. 

They spent their day playing with the house elves and making each other little gifts from papers and flowers from the garden. The house elves didn’t seem to be aware that it was their birthday - or perhaps, they are pretending to not know to surprise them with a cake later? 

It was soon night time and there was still no sign of their parent’s return. No sign of anyone. Sirius realised it before Regulus did but he didn’t have the heart to tell his little brother that nobody remembered their birthday. So, after their dinner, instead of moving to their room to sleep off the day, Sirius took him to the small terrace above the attic.

They had never gone there before, the absence of railings were too risky and scary. But there was no other option, nothing else to do. 

“Siri.” Regulus yawned as he was lifted up to climb over the small ladder, Sirius trying his best to not fall over holding both their weights. 

“Reggie, shh wake up, you have to see this!”he replied, bumping Regulus on his hip to adjust their positions. “Reach up and just sit down, okay? Don’t do anything else, don’t move. Just sit down, alright?” 

Regulus yawned again but nodded. He was still kind of assuming some sort of party and celebrations waiting for them up on the terrace, still high on Sirius’ excitement that kept him cheerful throughout the day and never asking for his parents. 

The night was windy, the few streetlights on their lane left a soft glow on the empty terrace where both the brothers now sat gingerly on the floor, looking up at the clear sky littered with thousands of stars. 

Regulus huddled closer to his older brother and hugged him from the side, the cold rapidly seeping into his small body. 

“Siri.”

“Shh, Reggie. Look at the stars.” he said, picking Regulus up from the ground and placing him between his hip and arm. 

And of course, just like every other thing that his big brother showed him, the star scattered night sky from the unused terrace of Grimmauld Place filled his eyes with awe and wonder. 

“Oh! Siri! Ahh..” 

“Pretty, right? Did you know that we were named after stars, Reggie?” Sirius chuckled when he shook his head. “Sirius and Regulus, we are up in the sky!” 

And they looked and looked, at the sky, at each other. Sometimes they were together, sometimes they were separated, sometimes they weren’t visible but they were there - always.

Every year on the day they were born. 

—

It was cold and he hadn’t worn a sweater. He thought it wouldn’t be necessary, and had hoped to spend only a few minutes on the Tower. For the sake of tradition. (He came up to the Tower every year on the midnight of his birthday and at night when the day was over for tradition alone and nothing else, absolutely waiting for no one.) 

It was getting cold and Regulus had got lost in looking at the stars, it was a clear sky as always and he was suddenly struck by a thought that it might be the last time he would be able to do this, so he lingered for a longer time than usual. 

The castle was asleep on the side of the Tower and the Slytherin dorms, the Black lake glimmering silver in the silence. Unlike the loud and energetic Gryffindors, most of the students in his house do not wander around or stay up at night so usually, there would be no soul nearby. Which made it easier for anyone awake to be aware of the presence of anything that moved or made a sound. 

And who, other than Gryffindors, would make such obvious and prominent sounds in the dark of the night? 

Regulus’ heart grew still, the wind sweeping into his body and turning his blood ice. The memory’s phantom lingering in its wake. 

Surely, it couldn’t be…? 

He turned and could not trace a sign of any human presence. Was someone hiding? If it were his brother, by any chance, he would have made his presence known. Sirius never cared for any acts of subtlety. He made his presence obnoxiously known, if anything. Whoever had come were clearly breathing hard and fast, as if they ran ten miles to get here. 

And out of thin air, James Potter and Lily Evans conjured in front of him. 

They were bent over, leaning against each other for support. Their clothes were crumpled and hair dishevelled. He could also catch a faint scent of alcohol. Regulus raised one of his eyebrows. Was he interrupting something? It wouldn’t be the first time. James and Lily always hung out with each other - it was natural of them to do so. They were from the same house. Same side of the war. Part of the same friend group so obviously there would be no turning of heads. No questioning. No judgement. They could hang out and just be. 

It was not like Regulus was unaware that him hanging out with them was unnatural, weird and clearly a recipe for some kind of disaster. But he couldn’t control it and it just sort of happened. He was aware of it at times. The unsettling feeling of not belonging. During breakfast, when James makes Lily laugh across the hall. When he sees her cheering for James and Gryffindor during Quidditch. When they sit in their room in comfortable silence, doing their own thing and he looks up at them - two people who look perfect for each other. At times like these, he wishes to be sucked inside the walls. He wants to be forgotten. He wants to not have met them.

It’s not their fault he feels this way, he is aware of that too. But right now, watching them come here to the Astronomy Tower, obviously to snog or something - it gives Regulus a headache. So he brushes past them, heading to go down back to his dorm and giving them their privacy. 

“Regulus! Stop!”

“Wait!” 

Both of them yell at him, too loud for this time of the night. Stupid Gryffindors. Regulus cursed and grabbed both of their arms. Mrs. Norris would probably come up here any minute and Regulus did not want a detention for being outside dorms past curfew. Especially on his birthday. Even if there was no one to wish him, even if, even if, even if - he just wants to have a peaceful enough day. 

He wouldn’t have time to ask what the fuck those two were doing here, he cannot risk staying out after the noise they created. 

“Fuck off, you two. This way is safer.” he whispered to them, standing at an intersection.

James and Lily had to catch their breath again.  Regulus expected them to comply right away but neither of them were making any move to do that. 

“What the fuck are you waiting for? Go before Filch catches you!” he urges them on. 

Lily seemed to regain her senses first, eyes wide and frantic. Suddenly she steps closer to him, reaching up to his face. On instinct, Regulus steps back. Not used to anyone invading his personal space. But Lily, who is usually respectful and cautious, seemed to disregard all that and crowds into his space. 

Regulus tries to understand the situation, trying to catch James’ eye over her head but he finds him looking at them with a strange expression on his face. 

“Lily...” he starts and before he could even finish his sentence, Lily comes up to his ear. 

“Happy birthday, Reg.” And she presses her lips on his cheek, just a little bit away from the corner of his lips. 

What? His breathing became shallower. Absolutely astounded. He has so many questions to ask and too many thoughts in his head that he doesn’t react to it nor does he notice Lily retreating back and James taking up the same space as her - his signature million watt smile in place now. 

He does the same thing as her. Whispers to his other ear, kisses on the other cheek. 

And in about two seconds, they are gone. Their footsteps echoing down the shadowless corridor. Regulus can feel the ghost of their touch right on his lips for some reason. 

… 

Whatever happened in the last two minutes has fogged up his brain and he decided that he will process it only after getting some amount of sleep. 

⊹˚₊‧───────────‧₊˚⊹

Regulus Black wakes up late and misses his breakfast on his birthday. When he finds out about the prank his brother and his friends were up to in the morning, he does not regret it one bit. He shouldn't even be surprised really, Sirius takes all birthdays very seriously. Even if it’s a hectic and busy day, even if it’s an exam day - Sirius treats birthdays as if he is getting born all over again. 

Which is why, no matter how much Regulus has distanced himself from his brother, it always feels like he is being pulled deeper into the water every year that his brother ignores his birthday. 

Which is why, since he is already drowning, he will not care about what James and Lily are doing today. He is almost sure that he dreamed them up in the Astronomy Tower earlier because first of all there is technically, no logical or reasonable explanation to why James Potter would leave the presence of Sirius Black for more than ten seconds on his birthday and come and meet his brother out of all people.

And second of all, how did they even know it was his birthday? His brother would rather throw himself off a roof than voluntarily offer up that piece of information. Right? And why would Sirius talk about him to his friends? He doubted he was ever brought up in the conversations in the past few years. Just like how he never talks to Pandora about Sirius, Regulus knew that Sirius never talked of him either. 

Third of all — 

What the hell is Lily Evans doing in front of the Slytherin common room?

“Do you have a death wish, Evans?” he almost growls at her. Is she trying to get herself in the Hospital Wing? His housemates would take one look at her and probably cast an unforgivable curse. Before anyone can see her or worse - before anyone can see her with him, he pulls her towards the corridor and into an alcove. Outside the Room, they never acknowledge each other’s presence, not even a smile or a glance - then why is she here risking her life?

“James better be dying right now or else I’m out of here, Lily.” he flails his arms. 

“Um actually, James does need your help.” she says, her face rigid. 

Regulus never expected that to be the actual case so he stood quite speechless. 

“Is he actually dying?”he asked, cocking his head to the side. Lily’s face was not giving anything away, she was definitely hiding something. 

“Well, no! But he might be! You need to come, Regulus. To our room.” she urges in a hurry, grabbing his arms and sprinting out of the alcove. It’s not until ten seconds later that Regulus realises that they are heading deeper into the snake’s lair.

“Lily! Do you even know where you’re going?”he mutters, coming to an abrupt halt, desperately hoping that all the Slytherins are inside their dorms and not wandering about in the dungeon corridors. 

“Um, not exactly but I have a vague idea. Unless… I don’t?” she tilts her head up to him, scrunching her green eyes into slits.  

Regulus rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Salazar, you’re really going to get yourself killed one day.” He shifts her grip on his arm to make sure that he’s the one holding her now. And despite the layers they’re wearing, Regulus is distinctly aware of the space where they’re touching. Trying not to ponder too much about it, he pulls her towards their room. 

Lily doesn’t say anything on their way. He probably should let her go, if anyone finds them it would be better to be caught with her while standing five feet apart than while clutching her arm. But it’s rare that he gets to be so close with people, and he’s never done this with anyone he likes so he wants to enjoy this impromptu getaway as much as possible. It is very much giving him an adrenaline rush. He gets a similar feeling each time he hangs out with them in their room. Something fluttering in his chest, aware of the risk and consequences of getting caught. 

“We’re close.” he interrupts the silence that settles over them. 

“Oh! So soon? It takes ages to get here from the Gryffindor rooms, no wonder you come here so often.” 

“Hm, that makes sense. I never thought about which route you guys take to get here. I’m sorry about that.” he replies with a hint of guilt. 

Just as they were about to make it to the door, Lily came to a halt. 

“Sorry about what?” she questions him, raising one her eyebrows. 

“You know, having to take a long route to come to this room. You don’t have to.” 

“Oh my god, I hate you!” she raises her voice, letting go of his arm abruptly. 

He blinks at her, unsure of what he has to say right now. Perhaps, the things he’s been feeling have never been mutual. Did she bring him here to cut him off? He cannot be surprised, honestly. He’s a Slytherin. Soon to be a Death Eater. Oh. He’s been wasting their time. He gulped down the emotions that were threatening to spill right over. 

 “I’m sorry?” his voice comes out wobblier than intended. Lily’s stance softens instantly, shoulders slumping. 

“Reg, shut up. My god. Just. Come in.” 

Regulus obeys. He will not talk if she doesn’t want him to. And wordlessly listen to whatever she has to say. She whirls on her heels, pushes the door open and walks in, not bothering to check if he’s following behind. She must be really mad. Preoccupied with his swirling thoughts, he forgets the whole reason he’s here and it’s not until he notices the heavy silence in the room (very unusual when James Potter is supposed to be in the room) that he realises that the room is… enchanted, for the lack of a better word. 

It’s the same room they’ve been orbiting around each other in for the past few months and at the same time, it looks like something Regulus has never seen before. 

The first thing that catches his eyes are the decorations littered around the room. Hanging down from the ceiling are springs made of colourful paper, bouncing up and down. And the charmed room is bursting with glitter. They’re falling down like snowflakes but disappearing as soon as it hits the ground. In the middle of the room, there is one table covered with what one might find to eat for a Christmas dinner in Hogwarts. There are three cakes, cupcakes that he cannot even count – glowing candles placed on all of them. Star shaped balloons littered all over the floor. Some of them are in the shape of letters and it doesn’t take him much time to figure out that they spell ‘Happy Birthday Reg’. 

And in the middle of it all is standing James Potter, standing frozen to the spot where he was probably pouring the wine into glasses when Regulus walked in. 

Suddenly, it’s hard for him to breathe. He sinks down the floor, clutching his knees tightly. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know how to act, he doesn’t know why this is happening, he doesn’t know what it means, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know. 

What a wonderful time to have an anxiety attack , he thinks while shaking violently against himself. The feelings are back, the ones which make him want to crawl inside walls and sit there. He wants to disappear. He wants to never have come here. He wants to obliviate the memories of this room and these people. 

He cries harder at the thought, feeling guilty about thinking that. And now he’s drowning in guilt. It’ll pass. It’ll pass. It’ll pass. He repeats it like a mantra. He wants to check up on James and Lily, let them know that he will be fine. But he cannot hear or see them; with his thoughts too loud in his ear and eyes blurry with tears. Distantly, he can feel a palm rubbing circles on his back. And another, holding his hand. 

Slowly, maybe after a few minutes, maybe after more  - he stops crying and his thoughts are clear. Lily’s soft voice coaxes him out of his miserable state.  He blinks away the feeling, the uncomfortable embarrassment seeping in. But before he could have another crisis about that, he is tackled flat onto the floor. 

Lily’s weight settles over him as she hugs him tight. It all feels a bit unreal to him - the room, the solid press of Lily around him, the fact that James Potter arranged a birthday party for him. The fact that James Potter is here right now, watching him have a breakdown and probably being patient about it when he should be enjoying Sirius’ birthday. Oh, what a wonderful dream. 

Except it’s not and he can feel it. He can feel what Lily and James have become for him in the past few months. They are friends but also not, they aren’t lovers but they love each other even if none of them ever says it out loud. And the only thing that matters right now is that they are together, in their room and it wasn’t a dream. His palm instinctively goes to touch his cheek. That was real too. 

Lily doesn’t move for a few more moments and all Regulus can do is let her touch him. He could hug her back, he would maybe someday but he still hated himself so he cannot bring his arms to move. He can feel her take staggering breaths and presses a soft peck against his shoulder. 

“Happy birthday, Regulus Arcturus Black. Welcome to your party!” she chirps happily, all traces of her previous demeanour forgotten and he lets out a chuckle. And as they both stand up and straighten themselves out, he is tackled once again but this time from behind. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY REG!” he yells into his ear, the megawatt smile ever present on his face. 

Regulus turns towards both of them, rubbing his eyes. He doesn’t know where to start. Should he apologise or thank them? He can count the number of people who have wished him birthday in his whole life with two hands. And he doesn’t even remember making it an actual occasion to celebrate. Their parents never cared much for it. They had celebrated it once when they were children, to introduce them to the other pureblood families and into the high society but after that ordeal, they had never heard a single wish or got a gift from their family.

Until today, in the whole of Hogwarts it was only Sirius, Pandora, Barty and Evan who knew of his birthday. Dumbledore probably and only because he has it on the student records. 

“I’m -,” he clears his throat, “ Look -” 

“If you say sorry one more time, I am going to hex you.” Lily clarified. 

He winces. “Okay. Thank you.” Regulus said, glancing down at the floor. “Thank you for your wishes, this,” he vaguely waves his hand around, “for everything.” 

They smile warmly, genuinely, as if they truly wanted Regulus to like it. 

“So, what do you think?” James asks, apprehensive.

“It’s wonderful.” Regulus says immediately, trying to inject the sheer wholesomeness he’s feeling into his words. “And I quite like pastries, so good choice.” 

James' smile widens even more. He gets the urge to touch it, just touch James Potter’s smile and find out if it feels warm as well. But before any of them could talk, a timer goes off out of nowhere - it’s ringing incessantly loud in the room. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Time’s up! Sorry Reg, I wanted to spend more time but you see-” 

“My brother, yes, I know. It’s okay, James.” he says immediately. He knew their time was short anyways but he was also terribly curious how James could spare even a few minutes away from Sirius. And as if reading his mind, he says: 

“We told them we’re dating, me and Lils. I mean, it’s not true, not really. But we had to come up with a lie and this was a great cover up so-” James starts rambling. 

“But we are not dating! It’s fake. I should clarify that,” Lily adds, “Sirius told us to go off and snog somewhere when I was trying to discuss the decorations with James so, here we are.”

“And now it’s been too long so we really have to rush back. Please eat the cake, let me tell you I struggled a lot with that. Anyways, we should actually go now. Happy birthday once again, Reg.” 

“See you tomorrow at lunch break! Okay?” Lily asks with the tiniest amount of desperation seeping into her voice. 

And how could Regulus ever say no to James and Lily? Did he ever have a choice?

“Okay.” he says, smiling. They smile back and nod, an understanding passing between them. And then they left, leaving Regulus with the shortest birthday party ever to be held, a room full of love and two presents wrapped messily.

His heart is full and he cannot stop grinning as he tears them open to find a bundle of landscape drawings drawn by James and a small collection of a Muggle author he has never read of. He celebrates his best and last birthday that way, eating carrot cakes and reading books in the space he somehow found himself in. 

Chapter Text

Harry doesn’t tell anyone about the journal. Not like there was anyone alive who would be interested in it anyways. He could tell Ron and Hermione, there was truly no harm in that, but he wanted to keep the stories of Regulus Black for himself. His mother and father had him, how much ever they could have him and now it was Harry’s turn.

It was delightful, discovering Regulus among the things his parents and Sirius left behind. He found him on the corners of a sketchbook, hidden in the photographs, between the lines. One day, he found him while reading one of Lily’s novels. Cursive handwriting sprawled neatly on the sides. Another day, he found him in a newspaper clipping - he was a child, standing next to Sirius with matching curly hairstyles wearing posh robes and posing for a Black family photo. 

He, somehow, found him in himself. In his way of thinking, his qualities and sometimes, he would look into the mirror and see Regulus Black’s eyes staring back. A dash of grey swirling in between the luscious green. 

So, he never told anyone. And he built a habit out of rediscovering his parents and Regulus. Harry read and reread pages from the journal every night before heading to bed, sometimes he attempts to go through the Muggle book collection and sometimes, on bad days, he just clutches the journal and cries. 

Although, there is one journal entry that Harry has never read. Nor have James and Lily. An entry that drowned with the body of Regulus Black. It is a letter and it goes like this:

Dear Sirius, 

It seems like you didn’t miss me on our birthday. I have the immense pleasure of saying that I didn’t miss you either. You were shining too bright for that, as always. You didn’t even have to be there, your star made sure to taunt me still. But, nevertheless, happy birthday brother. Here’s to another year where you live your life without me. I, for one, have something different to say to you this year and this difference both entertains me and terrifies me. I am so, so curious to see your face when you discover that two of your best friends have been hanging out with me! Me! Your estranged little brother! It’s just - really amusing. Honestly, very baffling. In the morning I watch them laugh and tease around you, not even sparing a single glance towards my Slytherin table. Acting like I didn’t exist, at your insistence I presume. It used to be painful, watching you with your friends like that, knowing that I didn’t have friends of my own to do that with. I mean, I have Pandora but you don’t know that. Nobody knows that. 

I often wonder brother, how it would be if I were the older one and you the younger. There’s a lot to think about that, you know? Would I be like you? Or will I be the same as I am and try to trap you in our house with me? Would you still leave? I think, if I had left you, there would be one thing that I would be sure to do. No matter what, I would look back. Okay? I would always look back. You don’t have to, of course. You didn’t. You haven’t and that’s fine. It’s fine. It’s for the better. I thought that I wasn’t ‘enough’ for you to stay. Maybe you thought that you were not ‘enough’ for me to leave. And as I write this, it feels like the word is provoking me. You see, I’m still not enough for mother and father. Not enough for James and Lily. For Pandora. For you. But I would like to be - something. Which is why I need to mention that this might be the last birthday letter I will ever write to you - you will never receive it of course, just like all the previous ones but I like clearing things up, even to a stranger. 

One day, I realised that the only way for me to go was down and I thought that I would like to go down on my own terms rather at the hands of someone else. And I feel like I have finally found the purpose of my life. Even if getting there would have me pretend to be someone I’m not. At the very least, I can go forward with this easily knowing that there would be two people in this world who have looked at me and seen me and loved me so easily. There are just too many endings in this world and it saddens me to think how ours is going to be a tragic one, what saddens me even more is how there might be no one who would know- Nevermind. This is already the longest letter I’ve ever written to you and I have finally reached the point where I think it’s pathetic of me to continue writing so I guess I will end this by wishing you a birthday one last time. 

I love you, Siri. Even when I don’t exist. 

Stay alive, Siri.

R. A. B