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Chapter Text

When a call to assemble came through, Tony did not hesitate. He has been dealing with heart problems in some shape or form for a long time now, and it never crossed his mind that he may no longer be fit for duty after all the suit was there. It was designed not only to enhance his capabilities way beyond what could be expected from any soldier but also to compensate for all his health issues. Watching him in a fight none would ever know that his lung function was down 30% on a good day or that he had chronic pain issues.

Today, something was different. Despite the suit's full capabilities, Tony was struggling to keep up. He was becoming aware of the pressure in his chest and felt increasingly short of breath. After Steve had to push him out of harm’s way at the last second for the second time, he had to admit to himself that he was a liability.

“Sorry guys. Got to split".

“What the hell is going on with Stark?" Steve shouted through the earpiece to none in particular.

"Let's focus on the matter on hand, shall we." Natasha quipped whilst neutralizing another terrorist.

“Jarvis, I need to land. Take me somewhere safe. I need to get out of the suit." Tony was panting. Pain in his chest has quickly become intolerable and he was feeling claustrophobic. Logically he knew that Jarvis was supplying him with 100% oxygen and he was perfectly safe in the suit but he could not tolerate it a second longer.

“Sir we will reach the tower in approximately 8 minutes. I will alert the medical team..."

“You will do no such thing!" Tony took over control of the suit and brought himself back to the ground somewhere in a middle of nowhere. When the suit opened, he managed a couple of steps before collapsing. He struggled to stay conscious whilst he looked through his pockets. Bruce kept telling him that he needed to carry medication with him, but of course, he knew better. He was now quickly starting to regret being so reckless about it. He was on his own and if it was to go south it will take forever for help to get to him. He was about to begin really panicking when he heard one of the suit compartments open.
“Sir, on the advice of Dr Banner, I have taken the liberty to make some additions to the onboard first aid kit." Tony grasped the GTN spray and took three doses in quick succession. He decided that he would worry about his blood pressure tanking later; now, his priority was to get rid of the pain so that he could breathe more easily. Thankfully, after a couple of minutes, his symptoms began to settle, and he was able to get back in his suit.

“Jaris, take me back home. Not a word to anyone about this".
“Sir I strongly advice...”
"Shut it Jarvis. It's just angina. It comes and goes. There is no need to be a pussy about it."

Chapter Text

As soon as Tony arrived back at the tower he headed straight to the lab. He intended to check on the others but the dizziness stated to overwhelm him. “Jarvis how is my blood pressure doing?"

 " It is not critical but not far off, Sir" Tony could almost hear judgment in Jarvis’ voice. He wondered what Bruce would have to say when he found out that he decided to have a heart attack in the quiet of the lab without telling anyone.

 “OK. Point taken. I am going to lie down for a little while. Dummy, get me some water.".

When Tony came around, he was surprised to see not only the team but also Director Fury himself all standing in a semi-circle around his coach.

“Bloody hell, what's this? An intervention?" Tony sat up abruptly and quickly regretted this, the dizziness returned. Bruce picked up a bottle of water and put it back down within his easy reach "

“Drink." That was all that Bruce had to say.

“I am quickly losing my patience with you Stark. You are officially grounded." Tony opened his mouth to protest but Fury was having none of it. “Quiet! I am not finished. I have a very distinct sense of deja vu. This is taking me right back to the whole palladium poisoning saga. Yet again, we are finding ourselves in a situation where you are actively dying, but instead of letting us help, you need to be a Prima Donna and do it all by yourself. Well, I have news for you Stark! Last time I checked there is no way you can perform heart surgery on yourself. I would not put it past you to try but this is not something you can fix by tinkering.”

“I was going..." Tony could not quite get the right words out. It was one of those rare occasions when he found himself speechless. He was staring at Fury, his pupils blown a clear sign of adrenaline rushing through his body. From the corner of his eye, he could see Bruce having a quiet word with Jarvis and flicking through the screens of vitals. He wasn't quite sure if Bruce was checking on him or monitoring his own heart rate. Possibly both.

“I'm not done so you better shut up and listen." Fury continued with his tirade "I have neither time nor inclination for your excuses. We have Dr Wu on standby. He can be here all the way from Beijing at a moment notice. Taylor is at your beck and call. She is a busy woman, taking care of some of the most vulnerable children in New York, and yet she generously offered her time and expertise to help save your sorry ass. I am expecting you to start taking advantage of those opportunities, Stark. Have I made myself clear?"

“Crystal clear.” Tony did not feel like he had any energy to argue. His heart was racing again, and his head supplied him with memories of the palladium poisoning. The poisoning, the new reactor. Obadiah's hands are inside his chest.

“Oh God…" Tony gasped and involuntarily brought his hands to cover the arch reactor.

“Right, I think you made your point" Bruce put his hand on Fury's shoulder. His facial expression was serious, but his tone was gentle. “I will take it from here if you can give us space. Jarvis, I need my medical kit. " Bruce came over to Tony with a GTN spray in his hand.

 “I can't have any more of that. My blood pressure is tanking." Tony quietly protested. Bruce raised his eyebrow and took hold of Tony's wrist. He could not feel the pulse indicating that his systolic blood pressure was well below 90.

 “How many doses did you have?"

 “I don't know. Maybe 3 or 4…

 “Sir, you have had 8 doses of GTN spray with only partial resolution of your symptoms.” Jarvis supplied, always ready to help.

 “Tony, this is serious. At best, it's unstable angina, and at worst... Look, this is well beyond the level of doctoring I am capable of. I need to speak to Wu and get some advice. Can I at least do that? " Tony considered the request for a couple of seconds. He was being selfish and putting Bruce in an impossible position. He was essentially looking to Bruce to nurse him whilst he died. There was little wonder that Bruce was getting stressed.

“Sure. I don't mind you talking shop with Wu. Can I just... Can I have some morphine first?" Now Bruce was becoming really concerned. Tony hardly ever asked for pain relief and was always reluctant to accept any opioids. Bruce never pried for reasons why but gathered that it had something to do with his experiences in Afghanistan, where opium was the only painkiller at Yinsen’s disposal.

“IV morphine coming right up”. 

Bruce spoke to Tony reassuringly in his now well-practised doctor voice. “I will give you some fluids as well. You seem to be dehydrated. Do you think we can get you off the coach and over there? I don't want you lying flat." Bruce gestured towards the dental chair in the corner of the lab, which Tony used as his private medical bay.

 “Yeah, You will need to help me, though. I don't think I'm going to be very steady on my feet". Tony has read enough medical textbooks to understand what Bruce was worrying about. He was entering the first stage of heart failure, and whilst Bruce did need to get his blood pressure up with IV hydration, there was a risk of pulmonary oedema. Keeping him sitting up was going to help his breathing. Tony wasn't going to admit it but he did read in detail about how dying from heart failure was like. There was no way he would slowly suffocate whilst drowning in his own fluids. If it came to that, he would make sure to check out early.

 "Sharp scratch” Tony winced as Bruce inserted a cannula at the back of his hand. When the warm feeling began to spread across his body, he relaxed and allowed the morphine to take full effect. He desperately needed relief from the physical pain as well as the mental anguish.

Chapter Text

Nicola was busy breaking up a fight in the playground of the day centre for traumatized children, when she heard a new commotion. Iron man has just landed on the grounds and was now surrounded by the circle of excited children. Tony stepped out of his armour looking a bit confused. Two boys that Nicola was dealing with forgot all about their disagreement and were both staring at Tony. 

"Hey. Are you alright?" Nicola wondered what sort of emergency he brought to her doorstep this time. 

“You were not in the office. They told me that I can find you here. I really need to talk to you. " Tony was looking a bit sheepish but not obviously distressed or ill.

“Do you think it can wait? " Nicola looked at her watch. 

" Oh... I'm sorry I shouldn't have assumed. I will schedule an appointment... " 

“We both know that doesn't really work for you. As much as I would like to remind you that you are not the centre of the universe, I will yet again make an exception so that we can hopefully get this show on the road. You are not the only person on the receiving end of Fury's motivational speech recently". Nicola looked at Tony pointedly "I have a session scheduled with a kid that is even less capable of waiting then you are, but I will be free by 2 o'clock. How does that sound?"  Tony nodes in agreement.

“You are free to stay for lunch. I think it's burgers today." Nicola offered whilst walking towards an older teenage boy who was sitting away from the others and busy tinkering with some electronic equipment. 

" I think I would like that.” Tony followed Nicola towards the outdoor sitting area. .

“Great.Peter, this is Mr Stark. Can you show him around and take him to the canteen when it's time for lunch? 

" 'Hi I'm Tony. Nice to meet you Peter.” Tony didn’t have a chance to say anything else before Peter jumped up to his feet excitedly. 

“Oh wow. Iron Man. What are you doing here?" Peter could not quite believe his eyes. 

“Peter that is not relevant to the task on hand, is it? Tour and lunch. Less questions and more talking about the wonderful work that we do here." Nicola intructed.

" Is it part of the fundraising thing? The picnic on Saturday?" Peter enquired, growing more excited by the minute.

“Yeah kid. That's exactly right. Why don't you tell me about the plans for Saturday? And what have we got here? Some retro tech." Tony pointed to the antiquated hard drive that Peter was tinkering with. Where did you find that? Trift store? Salvation Army?”

“Dumpster, actually" Peter stated in a matter-of-fact way.

 "Excellent. You two will get on like a house on fire. I can see that". Nicola smiled. "I will see you later Tony".

When two o'clock approached, Nicola heard Peter and Tony talking in the corridor outside her office. 

“And this is where all the therapy rooms are. Dr Taylor is in there. Tony knocked on the door this time and waited for Nicola to invite him in.

“I'm glad that you were able to stick around " . She gestured for Tony to take a sit, but he remained standing and started to look around the room.

"My pleasure. I might have invited myself to the picnic on Saturday. I hope that's ok " 

 " Why don't you bring Bruce along. He is good with kids." Tony 'raised his eyebrow slightly wondering how Nicola would know that.  Tony continued to walk in circles around the therapy room and was becoming increasingly agitated. He was picking up various toys and fidgets dotted around the place, occasionally asking seemingly trivial and irrelevant questions. He was grateful that Nicola wasn't putting any pressure on him to get to the point. When he decided to speak to Nicola today, he had   a very clear idea as to what it was that he was going to discuss. But now that it came to it, he could not bring himself to utter those words. His attention was drawn to the selection of clinical   questionnaires neatly arranged in a wall-mounted display behind Nicola’s desk. He picked a piece of paper and settled down with it at a small table in the corner set up with a selection of art materials. 

Nicola decided that  whatever  it was that Tony was doing she was best not to interrupt him. She picked up a journal and started to read in silence. After approximately half an hour she has hear Tony speak. “ “I broke a crayon." She wasn’t sure if he was talking to her or just muttering to himself.

“That's ok. We have plenty of those. Can I see what it is that you are working at?" Nicola approached Tony slowly and cautiously. She did not want to startle him.

 “I can't... I don't know. ",

“It's Ok. There is no rush." 

“You need to see it. But I can't..." Tony took a deep breath to steady himself. "I can't be here when you read it". 

“I understand. When you are finished, just leave it on my desk. I'm going to check on the kids. Is Jarvis going to make sure that you get home in one piece?" 

"Yes, I will be alright". Tony was relieved that Nicola understood his need for space. Once he finished his message, he has folded the piece of paper in half and put it on Nicola's desk as requested. What caught his eye was a photo frame. Nicola and Dr Sullivan. Somewhere warm. Surrounded by a group of children. Some of them smiling and some looking rather solemn. Tony did not expect to see Bruce in the same picture. He did mention crossing paths with Nicola, but in the photo, they all appeared to be well acquainted, wearing T-shirts from the same charitable organization. Tony felt a sense of unease. Bruce shared little with him about his travels, but Tony thought that he would have mentioned working with Nicola now that she was officially his psychiatrist.

Nicola joined the baking session in full swing in the activity kitchen. She was about to sample some of the less burned brownies when a text message from Jarvis pinged on her mobile phone. 

Sir would like to inform you that he is safely back at the tower. 

Nicola helped to clean the kitchen and thanked activity co-ordinator for her efforts, keeping a bunch of excited and hyperactive children on task wasn’t easy, before heading back to the upstairs therapy room. She picked up the piece of paper that Tony left for her and immediately recognized it to be the SPAQ questionnaire. “Less than 6 years old”, 12 years or older but less than 16 years old.” Nicola scanned through the answers. Tony simply circled relevant numbers until he reached the last question. 

“If you had one of the above experiences, would you like to talk to someone about it.”  Nicola could see that “NO" was initially selected and firmly underlined. However, underneath, Tony has scribbled a little note. “It's not that I don't trust you. I just can't bring myself to say any of it out loud. As things stand, talking about it may literally kill me." 

"Fair point" Nicola uttered with a deep sigh.

Chapter Text

On the surface, it wasn't anything particularly significant, but Tony kept thinking about the photo in Nicola's office. He tried to ask Bruce about his work in Cambodia, but he just brushed him off. Bruce never really spoke about the time he spent travelling. Tony sensed that the best thing for him to do was to drop the subject, but it had become an itch that he absolutely had to scratch. A natural opportunity presented itself at the Saturday picnic. Bruce was happy to accompany him. He would probably agree to pretty much anything at the moment if it meant getting Tony closer to actual doctors. The sense of relief was palpable, though when Tony explained that it was just a relaxed family-style picnic and not some kind of high-profile, black-tie fundraising gala.
 

When Bruce and Tony arrived at the centre, the event was in full swing, and the place was overrun with laughing kids struggling to contain their excitement. Nicola came over to say hello and introduce them to the few adults around.

“That doesn't strike me as the most effective way of fundraising. Most of the patrons seem unlikely to have more than a couple of dollars of pocket money to their name". Tony remarked, looking around. Nicola regarded him closely. He seemed very tense, which was very much at odds with his usual public persona. 

“That's a fair point. What we are trying to do is connect with the local community. It helps give confidence to kids needing our support to come forward and we also usually recruit a couple of new volunteers. Time is just as valuable as money, if not more. "

“Don't I know it?" Tony muttered to himself, Yinsen's advice not to waste his life echoing in his head. 

“Why don't you make yourself at home? Grab something to eat. I will join you in a second and introduce you to our staff." 

"Can I talk to you first? It won't take much time." Tony asked Nicola. 

“I will leave you guys to it". Bruce stated lightly whilst eying up the food truck parked nearby."

"No, actually, I wanted to talk to you both." Tony reached out and grabbed Bruce by the elbow to stop him from leaving. 

"Let's sit down over there". Nicola gestured towards an empty picnic table well away from the hustle and buzzle of the fair.

“I don't want you to think that I'm just stalling or deflecting from that we need to talk about eventually but before we get to that can I ask you a question about your time in Cambodia?” Tony sat in front of Nicola and was regarding her closely as if looking for some hidden clues in her facial expressions. 

“Sure, go ahead." Nicola responded lightly, but Tony noticed her exchanging a quick look with Bruce, who shifted uncomfortably on the picnic bench. 

"What exactly were you doing there?”

 “I thought Bruce mentioned that already. I was working with an NGO. That's how I met Dr Sullivan… " . 

" Yeah, that's the official cover story. What were you really doing there." Tony’s tone was growing impatient.

“I don’t think it is the best time…” Bruce began, but Nicola interrupted him.

"Very well, if I am expecting you to trust me with your deepest, darkest secrets, you may as well know more of this story. Just keep in mind that some of it is classified way above your clearance and some is not my story to tell so I may not be able to give you all the answers you are craving.”

“Jesus Christ, what the hell are you? CIA? Hydra?!" Tony suddenly looked alarmed and jumped to his feet. Bruce pulled him back down to a sitting position. They were already making a scene and there was no need to add to it by Tony collapsing into one of his increasingly frequent dizzy spells.

 "Calm down. Just think about it logically. Do you really think that Fury would give your file to a completely random child psychiatrist? Has it ever occurred to you that she has a rather unusual medical skill set for a shrink? Have you wondered why she not only wasn’t freaked out by Hulk in the slightest but knew exactly how to talk him down? Isn’t it a bit odd that she managed to settle into the world of aliens, superheroes, spies and what not remarkably quickly? Do I need to go on?” Bruce appeared outwardly calm, but Tony could see him glancing on his wristwatch, which was now flashing yellow.

 'Are you even a real doctor?' Tony asked, looking at Nicola and trying to ignore his own rapidly escalating heart rate. 

“She is more of a doctor, of a medical variety,than I am. That much I can promise you." Bruce uttered with a deep sight.

 “Was it all set up from the get-go? You still haven't told me who the hell are you". Tony demanded angrily.

„I am Dr. Nicola Taylor. Everything that you know about me is true. There is just more to it." Nicola said wearily. 

 "I trusted you. I trusted you with..." Tony stopped himself abruptly. He wasn’t ready to have this conversation in front of Bruce. It was not exactly going to plan. He wasn't sure what exactly he was feeling. Was he angry at himself for taking the bait? Was he hurting because he was betrayed? 

“Tony, please just listen. This is far from ideal precisely because it is not a carefully planned operation. It was never meant to happen. Yes, I am a SHIELD's shadow but I have been dormant for years. We were not supposed to meet. When you showed up unannounced at Sullivan’s office long after his departure on the European tour it has triggered a chain of events that we have not predicted.” 

“Why didn't you just tell me from the get-go?”

“I honestly didn't think you would stick at it beyond a couple of appointments. I thought it was more optimal to keep the details to a minimum". 

“Now, that is an understatement of the year". Tony snorted.

 "I thought it was also going to be easier for Bruce that way." 

“How so? " Tony continued with his relentless quest for answers. Nicola again exchanged a look with Bruce. She was wondering just how much detail she was at liberty to go into without breaking his confidence.

 "Look if you start digging around, I don't doubt for a second that if you put your mind to it you will be able to access all sorts of classified information. You will find the part of Hulk's story that I am not ready to share...” Bruce decided that he was better placed to offer an explanation himself.

“You were his shadow. That's how Shield kept tabs on him!” Tony exclaimed in disbelief.

“Me and Sullivan. We were partners. " Tony turned pale. Just how deep was this conspiracy? 

,,Why would Bruce recommend that I see Sullivan? I just find it hard to believe that you would knowingly stir me in the direction of his handlers. But then it turns out that everyone is full of surprises."

“I’m going to take a walk. Just explain it to him the best you can.” Bruce turned his wrist to Show Nicole his wristwatch and got up. Tony knew better than to try to stop him in that moment. 

“Look, I was not more his handler than Natasha was yours when she worked in ‘legal” Nicola made air quotes with her fingers.

 "Are you definitely a real doctor?” Tony regarded her with suspicion.

 " Board certified child psychiatrist. Scout's honour. I have been a doctor long before shield recruited me. So was Sullivan. We were both sought out for our civilian skills sets. Our real identities are fully embedded in our cover. That's what makes it so successful. I can promise you that I am a much better doctor than an assassin.”

 “I will pretend that I didn’t hear that last bit. It doesn’t sound as reassuring as you hoped.” Tony took a deep breath before carrying on. “I don't know what to make of it all…" 

"Well, it's a lot to process. If you want to carry on, let me know. If you prefer to take your chances with a 100% civilian shrink with no questionable back story, I will get you the list that I had ready for you the first time we met.  I do wish you the best of luck in your quest to find someone suitable. Just keep in mind that you are running out of time." It has not escaped Nicola that Tony used his GTN spray a couple of times during their discussion. 

“I’m going to check on Bruce. If he Hulks out, we are going to have more entertainment at this fair than anyone had bargained for.”

Chapter Text

Nicola found Bruce sitting down on the ground, propped against a tree in a distant corner of the grounds, away from the hustle and buzz of the event. He approached cautiously but made her presence known early on, making sure not to startle him.  “Hey. Are you alright? "She enquired. 

Bruce took his headphones off and considered the question for a second. “Not sure to be honest. I wish Sulivan was here. Not that I don't trust you, it's just... "

 " Don't worry. I get it. Sullivan got the privilege of getting inside your head and I'm the Hulk whisperer". Nicola laughed in a good-natured way and sat down next to Bruce. "Because you are so insistent that you and Hulk are separate it's probably better this way. Why don't you give Sullivan a call? I guarantee that he will find time for you." 

“I don't want to impose myself." 

That's hardly an imposition. Plus, the main thing he does on his tour is wining and dining. Hardly an emergency that he can't pull himself away from. 

“Are you annoyed that he is enjoying his sabbatical and you got pulled back to the world of SHIELD and lumbered with Tony?" Bruce felt a pang of guilt. The whole situation has arisen because he suggested to Tony that Dr Sulivan may be an excellent therapist to try.

"I hardly had to be dragged back in kicking and screaming. Tony is a piece of work, but I do enjoy the challenge. He is a good guy, and as Fury keeps reminding me every five minutes, an important asset. My main concern is that I may not be the best person for the job." 

“Well, you have already outdone any other therapist he had seen before. Most he didn't even get beyond the first session. With hindsight, I wish I hadn't insisted that you omit to tell him how you met me." Bruce sighed deeply and ran his hand across his face. 

“Hindsight is a wonderful thing. No point beating ourselves about it. We know that you have trust issues. In fact, you are probably worse than Tony. He allows people to get close and then gets overwhelmed and starts acting out. You, on the other hand, are just surrounded by an impenetrable concrete wall.”

“Is that what Sullivan told you”. Bruce conjured a mental image of Nicola and Sullivan back in Cambodia, sitting outside at night, drinking beer and talking.

“I have paraphrased to make it a bit more palatable. Honestly, call him. He will be happy to hear from you. Do you want me to get you some food?” Nicola got up to her feet. 

“Let's go and check on Tony. After that, I'd like to check out that Korean food stall.” 

Tony was still sitting at the picnic table when Peter approached him. He felt frozen and unable to move. On one hand, he wanted to get back to the tower and forget about this place—forget about Nicola and the mistake he had made asking her for help. At the same time, his mind kept replaying Yinsen's last words, telling him not to waste his life. Nicola was right. He was running out of time. 

“Can I join you?" Peter repeated himself watching Tony, who was seemingly lost in thought. “Are you 'alright Mr Stark?”

 Tony blinked and looked up at Peter. “I’m sorry, I was miles away.  Do you want to sit down". Tony gestured to Peter to put his tray down. 

"Can I get you something? "Peter offered. 

“I have already eaten ". That was technically true if yesterday could be classed as already. Tony always had eratic eating habits, and now his heart issues combined with medication side effects were making his lack of appetite even worse. Tony watched Peter eat and nibbled a little on the fries that the teenager pushed in his direction. They talked about circuits and motherboards, with Tony patiently explaining concepts that were new to Peter. When Bruce and Nicola came back, he felt much calmer. 

“Peter your aunt is looking for you. She needs some help with the raffle". Nicola was pleased to see that Pieter kept Tony company and they continued to get on well. 

"Sure thing. Thank you for all the tips, Mr. Stark." Peter got up and quickly cleared the table, leaving Tony with the remaining fries. 

When Peter left, Tony turned towards Nicola, suddenly determined to get things back on track.

“I'm sorry. I don't know why I got so worked up about this. It's not like I am entitled to know every single detail about your past. Professional boundaries and all.” 

“It was a pretty significant detail to omit. I didn't mean for it to turn out that way. I'm just not ready to talk about it. about some Hulk stuff." Bruce was standing some distance away from Tony with hands in his pockets, looking a bit sheepish. "Are we good?" He enquired quietly. When Tony nodded in an affirmative fashion, Bruce felt a real sense of relief. With that, his attention turned to hunger, and he walked away in the direction of food trucks, hoping that there would still be something left. 

“Bring me back some kimchi, will you?” Nicola shouted after him.

"What's the deal with Peter? He seems surprisingly well adjusted for one of your charges". Tony asked Nicola with genuine curiosity.
 

“His aunt volunteers here, and he comes along." Tony felt that this was only part of the story but realized that he should not pry. 

“How is your hunt for volunteers going ? Do you think there is anything I could do to help out?" Tony enquired while he played with the chips container, folding it to resemble a tiny robot. 

Nicola regarded him for a minute, and Tony feared he might not be welcomed. He waved his hand dismissively. “Never mind. It's a stupid idea. I am not exactly the best role model."

 " It’s not that. We are always keen to get more male volunteers, and I think you can be a great model if you put your mind to it. What I'm wondering is if you can commit yourself. Most kids here struggle with abandonment and rejection. People coming and going can be difficult for them to cope with.” Nicola explained. 

 “I get that. I really do. I can’t guarantee how long I will stick around for but I will do my best for as long as I can." Nicola noticed that Tony's voice sounded solemn, and he again brought his hand to his chest. She understood what he meant without a need for him to spell it out.

Nicola picked up the little robot that Tony had made to give it a closer look and it gave her an idea. “Do you want to help Peter with the Lego club? He will be absolutely thrilled. It runs on Saturday mornings. I can see you after if you have now decided not to sack me. 

Tony nodded in agreement. "On the subject of sacking, do I pay you? Peper normally sorts this stuff out for me, and lately... “Tony just waved his hand around. He didn't want to get into yet another difficult topic of his complicated relationship. 

“It's all taken care of. Don’t worry. Next time I see you, you can tell me what's going on with Paper."

Chapter Text

When Pepper returned from her trip to Tokyo, Tony was desperate to make things up to her and maintain the illusion that everything was alright. He dutifully accompanied her to functions and charmed potential investors and donors who could support her many charitable foundations. He took her out to dinner in fancy restaurants. They spent time talking, and we listened carefully and attentively to every word. They watched movies snuggling together on the sofa. The one thing that they didn't do was have sex. Fearing that any form of physical exertion was going to trigger another cardiac episode was not exactly setting him in the right mood for intimacy. Tony was rapidly running out of excuses. Paper wasn't one to push him, but she was finding his reluctance odd, and he could sense that it was beginning to hurt her feelings. He spent the sleepless night rehearsing in his mind how to best explain the current situation to Pepper. Tony got up early and went to the little kitchen adjacent to their master bedroom to make breakfast. He decided to prepare a fresh omelette. Just how Pepper liked it, with mushrooms and spinach. He set up a tray and took it across to the bedroom. He woke Pepper up with a gentle kiss. 

“Breakfast in bed. You are really spoiling me." Pepper sat up and took the tray from Tony. 

“An omelette? You are not about to tell me that you are dying again, are you?" Pepper laughed in a relaxed fashion. It did not cross her mind that she may actually be correct in her assertion. 

"Busted". When Tony was feeling anxious, his brain would make him say the most inappropriate things. 

“Wait! What?" Pepper rapidly shook off any remnant of sleepiness. She pushed the tray away and looked at Tony. "You cannot be serious." Different emotions were rapidly showing on her face, and Tony struggled to keep up. Was she angry? Terrified? Both at once? “Is it the reactor again?” Pepper asked now, sounding calmer but sad and concerned. 

“No, the reactor is fine. It's my heart. I'm now officially in the first stage of failure." Tony didn't want to bombard Pepper with too many technical details, but he thought he might as well come clean about the seriousness of the situation. 

“How long have you known for?" Pepper asked quietly.

“I had my suspicions for a while. It became much clearer what was going on when my panic attacks worsened. That's when I first went to see Dr Sulivan.”

“That was months ago, Tony! " Pepper exclaimed in disbelief. 

“Are you mad?" Tony suddenly looked very dejected. All his efforts to break the bad news to Pepper better than last time failed. Why was he always finding himself in this situation? He was desperate to protect her and spare her worries, but instead, he made the situation worse by not telling her sooner what was going on.

“What? No, of course not. I'm...” Pepper paused for a second to consider how she was feeling. All she could think of was an unpleasant sense of déjà vu. 

“Disappointed?" Tony offered. 

"No. I just wish… I wish you were able to trust me." 

“I do trust you. I made you a CEO of my company." Tony felt confused. Out of all the people out there Pepper was one of the few he felt he could trust. He allowed her to put her hand into his chest cavity for Goodness’ sake. What more proof that he trusted her with her life. 

“You do trust me to take care of your money and get things organised for you. But when it comes to what really matters… " Pepper shook her head, sounding resigned.

Tony felt his chest tighten. He could not continue with this conversation. He had to get away right now. His breathing was starting to become pained and shallow.

“Tony, are you alright?” Pepper noticed something was wrong. She would normally put it down to one of his anxiety attacks, but with the latest revelations, she felt like she no longer had a clue.

“I will be OK.” Tony muttered and headed back to the kitchen. He badly needed a distraction, so he went through the motions of washing the dishes and cleaning up. He made himself a cup of coffee. This probably wasn’t the wisest move, as his heart was already pounding rapidly in his chest. He sat down at the breakfast table and wondered if he should call Bruce for help. He had a strange sense of unease. He wondered if this was what the sense of impending doom that he read about in the medical textbooks felt like. That’s what people felt when they had heart attacks. He must have zoned out for a period of time because when Pepper came in and sat next to him, his coffee was completely cold. 

“I’m sorry, Pepper. I am a piping hot mess. The only reason that I haven't cracked up is because you moved in. I love you. I’m lucky. I don’t want to lose you.” Tony was rapidly going through the monologue that he practised so many times in his head. He had to explain it to Pepper the best he could. “I have to protect you because I can’t live without you.”

“You don’t need to protect me from everything Tony. I am a big girl and can handle the truth.” Pepper stood up and gave Tony a hug. “I’m going to take a shower, and you are going to join me if you are feeling up to it.” Peper suggestively looked at him.

“Oh, I don’t know. It may need to be a bed bath in my debilitated state.” Tony suddenly felt much lighter. His chest discomfort was gone, and he was breathing easily. These days, he never quite knew what was a sign of real trouble and what was simply a manifestation of his anxiety. 

Chapter Text

When Tony arrived at the centre early on a Saturday morning, Nicola greeted him at the main door. She was sipping coffee and giving instructions to a group of older teenagers, helping with a large delivery of boxes marked with a logo of Stark Industries.

“Good morning, Tony. I am ever so slightly concerned about what exactly you are planning to build with those kids that require so many Lego bricks, but you are the expert, so I will just leave you to it. Peter is already upstairs getting all this stuff organised. It’s like he has been let loose in a candy store, so God only knows how it is going to be when younger kids arrive. Godspeed.” Nicola laughed out loud at the mental image of Tony trying to control a bunch of overexcited kindergarteners. 

“You seem to be in a very good mood,” Tony said, feeling slightly nervous. Maybe it was not such a great idea after all. Yes, he knew a lot about building things, but nothing about children.

“When I told Fury that I have managed to enrol you into an outpatient program, he has bet me that you aren’t going to show up. I won.” Nicola rubbed her hands with a twinkle of glee in her eye. 

“We are calling this an outpatient program?” Tony raised his eyebrow. As far as he was concerned, he was here to volunteer. 

“You get activities, social inclusion, lunch and a therapy session. That’s pretty much a definition of a day hospital”. 

“I feel slightly tricked.” Tony’s reservations about the whole venture were definitely increasing. 

“You were the one to make the suggestion. If you last the whole day I am going to get an extra 10 bucks. I am counting on you.” Nicola gave Tony one of those doctor looks making him avert his gaze, suddenly uncomfortable. “Seriously though, you know where to find me. I have some administrative stuff to do so I will be in my office all the way until lunch. If you need a break, take a break. Peter has been running this group for over a year and he knows what he is doing. It will be loud, and it will be chaos but it is just a bunch of kids playing.”

“I think I can manage that.” Tony, took a deep breath and followed Nicola in the direction of the activity room. 

~0~

When the morning session was finished everyone headed to the cafeteria for lunch. Nicola had a look around, but she could not see Tony anywhere. She finished her meal and picked up a bottle of water, banana and some crackers to take with her. She went back to the activity room and found Tony sitting by the window sorting blocks in an absent-minded fashion.

“Hey, can I join you?” When Tony nodded Nicola sat at the table opposite to him and also started to move the blocks back into appropriate boxes. “I hear that the Lego club session was a great success. It was the main point of talk in the cafeteria.”

“Yeah... It went alright," Tony quipped without much enthusiasm.

“Do you want to get some lunch? There is still plenty of time.” Nicola asked.

“I’m not hungry.” Tony shook his head vigorously.

“Are you feeling sick?” Tony looked up at Nicola and wondered what it was about doctors that made them so annoyingly perceptive.

“Yes. It’s the medication and the heart stuff in general.” Tony explained.

“Well, you can’t go all day without eating anything. I got you some stuff that should be easy on your stomach. Give that a go, and I will see you in my office at 2 o’clock. That will give you some time to rest before your session. There is a TV lounge next door if you want to lie down on a sofa for a little bit.” Nicola handed Tony a cool box with the snacks she picked up from the cafeteria.

“I’m not a grandpa. I don’t need a nap after lunch.” Tony remarked grumpily whilst inspecting the contents of the box. “It’s not very gourmet.”

“Next week you can bring your own packed lunch. My main concern is that you don’t kill over with hypoglycaemia, for a change, not pleasing your taste buds. 

~0~

Tony arrived for his afternoon session right on time and handed Nicola the empty cool box.

“Do I get a gold star?” he asked drearily. He was again walking around the office in a tight circle, which Nicola now knew to be a sign of heightened anxiety. 

“If it is going to help, it can be arranged. Do you want to sit down?”

Tony ignored Nicola’s request and continued to pace. It was helping him concentrate and keep the anxiety at bay.

“I need to ask you something... about... when I..." Tony was struggling to articulate his thoughts. He took a deep breath and started again. “When I freaked out and pulled my reactor out because you asked me that question... I want to know why you asked. What difference does it make?”

“Well, you are familiar with the concept of PTSD…" Nicola began her explanation. Tony snorted at that. He was all too familiar with that concept. Nicola ignored him and continued “There are broadly speaking two kinds of post-traumatic stress disorder. When people think about PTSD, they usually think about the kind that is linked to one event or maybe a discreet period of time. Like  a car accident or your ordeal in Afghanistan." Nicola paused and looked at Tony to check to signs of distress. He was still pacing and now had his back turned to her. “I'm fine. Carry on''. He said quietly.

The other kind is linked to much more prolonged exposure to harm. Usually, developmental trauma, which starts early in childhood. There is an overlap in symptoms, but complex PTSD usually includes marked emotional dysregulation and difficulties in maintaining close relationships..." Tony suddenly stopped pacing. He stood frozen, still, facing away from Nicola. He understood what she meant about his emotions being all over the place. It has been mentioned many times over the years by different therapists that he may be bipolar, but his episodes never lasted quite long enough for the diagnosis. What cut through him like a knife was what Nicola said about his inability to maintain relationships. Is that why he was just moving from one meaningless fling to the next for years? Why was he constantly messing things up with Pepper? Was he doomed to die alone?

Tony shuddered when he felt Nicola's hand on his shoulder. "Tony, can you hear me? I need you to sit down." Tony knew that Nicola was right, but he could not move. He felt stuck, unable to change position or speak. He was aware that he was sweating profusely and his chest was feeling tight. “It’s OK. You are alright. I'm just going to help you to sit down". Tony could feel Nicola stir him to turn toward a large beanbag and gently push him into it. Tony wondered if it was designed for this very purpose as it not only perfectly cushioned his fall but moulded around him ensuring that he was fairly comfortable despite still not being able to move a muscle. He could hear Nicola conferring quietly on the phone but could not understand any of the words. Everything sounded as if he was under water. He wondered if Nicola was talking to Jarvis or Bruce. It felt like time was moving in a slow motion. 

“I'm alright." He finally managed to say. Nicola handed him a glass of water. 

“What was it that upset you?" She enquired.

“The relationship part... I mean you are not wrong. It just...hit close to home…” Tony sipped the water he was given and wished that he could swap it for something stronger." What about treatment. Is it any different when PTSD is complex?

 "It's not different. It just takes longer."

"How much longer?” Tony did not like the direction this was going.

“For people who experienced trauma of the severity and duration you have described, it is often years." 

“I don't have years... " Dying alone it is, Tony thought to himself. His photographic memory helpfully brought up the medical textbook chapter, which described in excruciating detail the realities of end-stage heart failure. Tony again had an intrusive vision of slowly suffocating to death. 

“Tony. Look at me. There you are. Back with me.” Nicola audibly exhaled in relief. “I am going to give you some medication to help you relax. You are slipping in and out of a dissociative state and it's doing your heart no favours." Nicola handed him two Hydroxyzine tablets in a little cup. The glass of water made an appearance again.

“There is no point. It's a catch-22. I need to fix my PTSD to let a cardiothoracic surgeon be anywhere near me. I can't work on my PTSD whilst my heart is giving out at the slightest mention of ugh, what do we call it? Early development trauma? It’s a game over sort of a situation.” Tony sounded truly dejected. 

 “We can't work through it. Well, not fast enough. What we need to do is work around it.” Nicola explained.

"Meaning?" 

“Meaning that we have to put you under general anaesthetic for all your investigations and procedures so we don’t have to worry about keeping you calm and cooperative."

 "Isn't that risky in itself?"

“It is, but if you have managed to survive Natasha putting you under in the most reckless manner I have ever encountered, so I think you will do just fine with a qualified anaesthetist.”

“I suppose it could work." Tony was not overjoyed at the prospect of general anaesthetic either, but it was somehow less threatening than people poking and proding him whilst awake.

“I think we have wasted enough time. You are getting worse both physically and psychologically. We need to change tack.”

“Can you explain it to Dr Wu? Without going into details about… about my childhood stuff…"

“Of course. I will schedule a call as soon as possible." 

Before I change my mind? " 

"Precisely"

Chapter Text

Pepper pulled all the stops and managed to arrange a video call with Dr Wu for the very next day. Bruce and Nicola were sat at the table in the conference room in front of a large screen and Tony was anxiously pacing the perimeter. What was established early in the conversation was that before any sensible plan could be made some fairly extensive investigations were required. Cardiac MRI was off the table due to all the metal in Tony's body. They will have to settle for a CT scan. To get more information about cardiac function, some invasive procedures will be needed. Dr Wu was in the process of explaining in detail what cardiac catheterization entitled when Tony stopped pacing and sat down next to Nicola. 

“I can't listen to it anymore. Can you two take notes and give me a potted summary?" Tony was repeatedly clenching and unclenching his fists and digging nails into his skin

" Mr Stark, it's important that you can give an informed consent..." Dr Wu began to explain but Tony stood up and interrupted.

“Can you help him understand?” Tony turned to Nicola, his eyes pleading.  I just can't… I need to get some air" Tony left abruptly, and Dr Wu looked at Nicola questioningly. 

“As I have mentioned before Mr Stark struggles with PTSD. He talks very little about what happened to him in Afghanistan but from that we know he experienced prolonged periods of torture. His surgery was undertaken in very difficult conditions with minimal access to modern equipment or medication. From the little snippets that he did mention I am almost certain that he has experienced periods of awareness during his open-heart surgery. This has left him with significant medical trauma. He finds it very difficult to tolerate any medical interventions and is likely to require significant amount of sedation or even a general anaesthetic for most of the tests you propose.” Nicola outlined the challenges on hand, purposefully omitting the details of Tony’s past which he asked her not to discuss. 

“I am not sure how well he will tolerate a prolonged period of anaesthesia.” Dr Wu scratched his head deep in thought for a moment. “Can we at least try to do an echo? It is not invasive and will give us a better idea of his ejection fraction?" 

“We do have an ultrasound machine at the tower in the medical bay on the 6th floor. I could try to get some crude images and it will give us a better idea if Tony can tolerate this whilst awake." Bruce suggested. His main area of expertise was physics, and medical imaging was something that he felt reasonably comfortable with. 

" Very well. Let's get started with that and I will plan to bring him in for a more formal echo next week. I have had a look at the ECG recordings from his chest device that you have send me. Is there any new data that you can share?” Wu and Bruce started to get into details of the pacemaker schematics when Jarvis announced his presence. 

“I am very sorry to interrupt. Dr Taylor, Mr Stark requires your assistance in the workshop."

" Bruce, are you ok to carry on? I think I have explained my part clearly. Minimal touching and no invasive procedures when awake if we are to have any chance of Tony going through with it".

Nicola went downstairs and looked around. Tony was not at his workstation or on the couch. She was surprised to find him in the corner of the room, which he used as a makeshift medical bay. He was reclining on the dental chair holding an oxygen mask in his hand. Nicola noticed that the crash trolley with all the medical equipment has been moved close by. 

“Hey Tony. What's up? " Nicola took hold of Tony’s wrist. She could feel his pulse hammering against her fingertips. The heart rate was much faster than what she would like but his blood pressure was clearly holding, which was a good sign.

“I don't know. Something feels wrong. I think it's my heart but may just be anxiety. When he started talking about putting probes inside my chest it made me remember…” Tony took a breath of oxygen through the mask. He was sweating profusely and looking very pale. 

“Why don't we have a look at what's going on." Nicola reached out towards the heart monitor and picked up the leads, but Tony shook his head. 

“Can you just ask Jarvis? The wires. They remind me of the car battery. I can't... " Tony was struggling to articulate what he wanted to say and getting more distressed.

Nicola pushed the monitor away and looked instead at the floating holographic ECG readout that Jarvis conveniently displayed in her line of vision. 

“That looks OK. It's sinus tachycardia. Your heart is beating fast, but it's a healthy rhythm." Nicola explained. “Can I put that on your finger? It doesn't have a wire". Nicola clipped on a pulse oximeter, which showed a reading of 100%. "That's good. Let's see how you are doing on room air." Nicola took the oxygen mask from Tony's hand. His saturation were holding just fine.

“I think it's an anxiety attack, Tony.” Nicola pulled up a lab stool and sat down next to him.

“I was awake you know, for a part of it. I think the stuff Yinsen used was chloroform. It's not an exact science. He was just pouring it from a bottle on a cloth with this sickening smell. When I started to come round, they would put the cloth over my face to get me back under. I could not breathe through this cloth it was like... I can't....”

Nicola glanced at the ECG display. It was still shoving sinus rhythm, but Tony's heart was throwing PVCs with increasing frequency, which they have learnt by now was the usual prelude to him slipping into an episode of VT, a much more concerning heart rhythm with high risk of deterioration all the way to cardiac arrest.

"Tony, look at me. Can you follow my finger and concentrate on that for a second? It will help you calm down." Nicola moved her finger slowly from left to right whilst Tony continued.

"I can't do it. I just can't. I just can't do it again. I would rather die than go through it again.” Tony’s mind was constantly flashing disturbing images. Blood-stained instruments. Open surgical field. Chloroform-soaked gauze. Yinsen’s face. He was trying to tell Nicola what has happened to him to make her understand why he couldn't possibly go ahead with Dr Wu’s plans but breathing was becoming more and more difficult. 

“That's enough Tony. I get the picture." Nicola handed Tony the oxygen mask back. His saturations were holding surprisingly well and he did not strictly need it but she knew that he found it comforting when he felt so short of breath during a panic attack. 

“You don't understand… I have to explain…". Tony was panting and getting more and more frantic. 

“I do understand and what you have to do right now is bring your breathing under control." They have gone through now very familiar breathing exercises together until Tony calmed down.

“Is that what you are worried about? Waking up during the procedure?” Nicola asked him gently.

“Yes, but it is not just that. The way it made me feel… I have never felt so sick in my life.”

“Do you remember when Natasha gave you all this Midazolam is a misguided attempt at trying to sedate you? " Tony nodded in response to Nicola’s enquiry. " How did you feel when you woke up? 

" A little bit hangover. My mouth was dry." 

“That's that we will be aiming for. You won’t feel near as bad as what the aftereffects of chloroform were. I can promise you that. The risk of you suddenly becoming aware with a modern aesthetic is very small. I can give you medication to help you relax the night before and, in the morning, to help with the journey to the hospital. When it comes to giving you the anaesthetic  I know just the right guy for the job. Sam worked with me on many complex cases. He has particular interest in medical trauma and awareness. He is very experienced at cardiac anaesthesia so I am optimistic that the whole arch reactor situation isn't going to faze him too much.” Nicola decided not to mention that the reason behind it was that patients undertaking open heart surgery were much more likely to experience awareness due to complications relating to the bypass machine.

“I don't know if I can get through it." Tony was still full of doubt. 

“You can get through it if you let us help you. I will arrange for Sam to meet with you and talk you through how we can make it work." 

"Could you or Banner not do it? Put me to sleep I mean.” The idea of general anaesthetic was frightening enough, but the idea of strangers touching him and manhandling him whilst unconscious was absolutely terrifying. 

“As Natasha has not so helpfully demonstrated, anyone can do this. The more difficult part is making sure that you wake up with your brain intact. That's what we need a specialist for. If you want though we can arrange for someone familiar to be with you at all times in hospital. 

“I think that may help a little.” Tony resigned himself to the plan. If he is going to die at least he may die trying. 

Chapter Text

The next day Bruce came to the workshop to talk to Tony about his conversation with Dr Wu. He agreed with the surgeon that it was important for Tony to understand what was proposed and to give informed consent. At the same time, he was really worried about saying the wrong thing and putting Tony off. By now, it was clear that Tony was on borrowed time, and unless they find a way to stabilize his condition, he was going to die. Not from the shrapnel in his chest but from heart failure. Tony was walking around bouncing a nanoparticle ball off the walls, ceiling and various pieces of lab equipment. When he got particularly uncomfortable and wanted to change the subject he would throw it at Bruce. Just like now. 

“Enough talk about the squishy bits. I get it. The left side of the heart isn't pumping as it should. Wu needs to figure out how bad the plumbing is before he can put his patient to sleep to look at electrics. Can we go back to the arch reactor schematics now?" Bruce noticed that Tony started to refer to himself in 3rd person as the patient. Nicola explained to him that detachment was Tony's main defence mechanism. In worst case scenarios this manifested itself as complete dissociation. Bruce understood this only too well. He wished he could explain that to Tony but had no idea how to even start this conversation. He has never shared this with the team. He did mention his depression, even suicide attempts but not DID. The only people who knew the extent of his dissociative identity disorder were Taylor and Sullivan. Tasked by Shield with watching from a distance, they broke every rule in the book, helped him gain a degree of control over his life, and eventually paved the way to his recruitment into the Avengers. The secret was to understand that Bruce was always angry and that Hulk was there, lurking on the inside long before the accident in the gamma lab. 

"Hey! Earth to Bruce!" Tony hit him with the ball again, bringing him back into the room and the present time. "Are you ok? We were going to look at the reactor schematics." Tony pulled a chair and sat next to Bruce. 

"Yes, sorry. I just got sidetracked " Bruce smiled awkwardly and took off his glasses. He cleaned them with a corner of his flannel shirt. “Before we do that can we talk about the echo?" 

“What else is there to talk about? I understand why it’s needed." 

“It may be helpful to have a trial run before the appointment next week. We have an echo machine in the medical bay at the tower. Would you let me have a quick look? I am not an expert but can get Wu some still pictures to look at. It will help them plan as reactor is in the way of all the standard ultrasound windows so it will need a tailored approach.

 "Ok. Can you bring it here? I draw a line at going to the medical." Bruce jumped to his feet and rushed to get the required equipment. He wasn't going to wait for Tony to change his mind. When he returned Tony was sitting in the dental chair with his shirt off. 

“I know the drill. If you find out baby's sex keep it to yourself. We want it to be a surprise." Tony gave him a weak smile. That was Tony's second defence mechanism. Deflect with humour. Usually cutting sarcasm but occasionally something more light-hearted. 

“Right can you lean back for me? Don't worry, I'm not going to lie you down completely flat." Bruce helped Tony into a better position for imagining his heart. "I need you to turn a little onto your left side if you can. We will try to get a view from a more lateral approach to avoid interference from the reactor’s casing.”  Bruce was explaining in detail exactly what he was doing as he went along. “I’m going to use some gel to help focus the ultrasound waves and to get as clear a picture as we can. It will feel a bit cold.” Tony winced as he felt the cold gel being squirted on his skin followed by the pressure against his chest from the probe. He understood the science behind the test but could not really make much sense of the images beyond recognising the outline of his heart on the screen. 

"Does this machine have a Doppler function? You can get a better idea of the flow and a more accurate assessment of the integrity of the heart valves if you use Doppler." That was intellectualization kicking in. Bruce didn't even realise that this was a coping mechanism until Sulivan pointed it out to him all those years ago in Cambodia. That was his own go-to strategy, and he suddenly felt his heart rate speed up as he sympathized with Tony. 

“It sure does." Bruce pushed a couple of buttons and suddenly flashes of red and blue appeared on the screen over the previously grey image of Tony's heart. 

“Do you think they will want to do a transoesophageal echo? Or intracardiac?" Tony swallowed hard at the idea of catheters being treated through a vein into his heart, but as a scientist, he understood that this would allow for much clearer pictures to be taken, particularly with the arch reactor severely limiting the transthoracic views.

“Possibly. It would be more accurate for sure.” Bruce turned away from the screen to look at Tony after realising just how frantic Tony’s heartbeat become. “Tony, try not to worry about it now. If there is a need for any of those invasive procedures Nicola made it very clear that you will need to be heavily sedated. 

'I know… It's just... That side of things also scares me." Tony turned his face away from Bruce and quickly wiped the tears off his face. “Are we about done here?"

 "Yes, I think I have enough to give Wu a good idea of the technical issues on hand." Bruce passed Tony some paper towels. "Here, clean yourself up."

It was a perfectly innocent thing to say. Tony's chest was absolutely covered in the ultrasound gel. Unfortunately, it dislodged some very unpleasant memory from the crevices of his mind. Tony sat bolt upright. He gave his chest a cursory wipe and fumbled for his T-shirt. Bruce handed it to him and gently took hold of Tony's wrist to check his pulse. 

“Are you ok? That was quite a bit to process." Bruce enquired. Before he could get any idea of how fast Tony's heart was now beating Tony snatched his hand back with more force than he intended.

"I'm fine. I'm just going to take a shower.” Tony jumped to his feet and rushed out of the workshop ignoring the dizzy feeling and pain in his chest.

By the time Tony reached the master bedroom in the penthouse the pain in his chest was difficult to bare. However, the only thing on his mind was how desperate he was to get into the shower. He had to get all the stickiness of him and get clean. Nothing else mattered. He could hear Jarvis talking to him, but the words made no sense. “Mute!" The logical part of his brain knew that this was a bad idea. Jarvis was now not only unable to talk to him but also to alert anyone else to Tony’s current predicament. Tony started the shower but he did not have energy to take off his clothes. He stubbled to the bathroom cabinet and retrieved a GTN spray. By now Tony kept spares pretty much in every room. He took the medication and slid to the floor waiting for it to take effect. He might have dozed off or more likely fainted. Tony came round to the sound of knocking on the door. 

“Tony, are you in there? Bruce said that you want to take a shower. Are you alright? " Knocking was becoming more frantic. He could hear Pepper trying to talk to Jarvis and getting alarmed by the lack of response. He reached up and unlocked the door to allow her to rush in.

“Tony, what's going on? What happened to Jarvis? Do I need to get Bruce?" Tony struggled to process the rapid fire of questions. He blinked a few times, trying to clear the cobwebs from his brain. 

“I'm ok… I’m just tired…” He reached out to Pepper who was now kneeling in front of him, still wearing her formal office attire. “I really need a shower… Can you… Can you help me?" Tony hated the idea of Pepper being his nurse, but he needed help.

“Of course. Just give me a minute. Pepper disappeared to the bedroom and returned wearing just her underwear. There was going to be nothing intimate about this but the easiest way for her to help was to just get into the shower with Tony. She felt a pang of sadness when she thought about their usual shower encounters, and it really dawned on her how much this illness had changed Tony. Pepper helped Tony up and took off his clothes before leading him into the shower. He looked like a shell of his former self having lost a lot of weight. It turned out that healthy circulation is very important to all bodily functions, including digestion, and Tony has lost a lot of weight since his heart began to fail. Despite the water being comfortably warm and the thermostat in the bathroom set to a cosy temperature, Tony was shivering violently. After a quick wash, Pepper sat Tony back down with some towels. She threw a robe over herself and went to the bedroom to get him some clothes. When she returned Tony was just sitting there exactly like she left him. His arms limp by his side as it he was to exhausted to lift them up sufficiently to perform even the simplest action. 

Pepper dried him off before helping him into a T-shirt and some jogging bottoms. She then carefully guided Tony to sit on the edge of the bed. He was still staring into space and didn't say a thing. 

 “That's it. I'm getting Bruce". Pepper decided that enough was enough. Without Jarvis available to give her information and reassurance, she had no idea what was going on, but she didn’t need extensive medical training to know that something was seriously wrong. When Pepper left Tony uttered one single word “Unmute". That was enough to allow Jarvis to spring into action. A few minutes later, Dr Banner stormed into the bedroom, medication in hand and Pepper in tow.

" Hey Tony, Jarvis explained everything to me. Just take it easy. I have some extra beta blockers and a sedative for you to take. Is that OK?" Bruce put the medication down on the bedside table with a glass of water, within easy reach of Tony. Tony nodded and took the medication as instructed. 

"I'm going to... I need to get some rest now." His ability to talk was returning but it still felt as if his mouth was filled with cotton wool. 

"Sure thing. We will leave you to it." Bruce smiled at him reassuringly, firmly in a doctor mode. As Bruce and Pepper were leaving, Tony managed to pull himself together enough to speak up.

 “Pepper... Can you... Can you stay?" 

Pepper was terrified but tried to put on a brave face. She climbed into bed and lied next to Tony. He could feel her rubbing circles on his back. The medication was taking effect. He felt warm and woozy. The anxiety was starting to slowly diminish. 

“Pepper. I want to tell you something." Tony thought about the relief he felt then he finally told Pepper what was going on with his heart. He suddenly had an urge to come clean about everything. 

“What is it, Tony?" There was a slight hesitation in Pepper's voice. She dreaded to think what new revelation Tony had in store for her. She has only just been told that he had heart failure. 

“You know this whole PTSD malarkey? Everyone assumes it's Afghanistan and New York..." Tony took a deep breath. His voice was shaky. "It is—no doubt about it. Terrorists, aliens, they all played a right number on me, but there is something else. Long before all that." Pepper could feel Tony's body tensing up. She continued to rub his back and did not say a word. “Something happened when I was a child. In fact, a lot has happened more than once. It was... It was abuse." Tony released a deep sigh. Part of him was already regretting saying anything. But another part was relieved to finally share his terrible burden. "I can't really talk about it. Not even with Nicola. It makes me ill. The stress of it is too much for my heart to handle. Something happened today that reminded me about… It reminded me about the abuse and it triggered the arrhythmia." Tony could feel tears streaming down and was glad that Pepper could not see the way she was lying facing his back.

“I'm a terrible mess. I'm sorry." He could feel Pepper hug him tighter. 

“You are a mess, Tony. But you have no idea how glad I am that you felt able to tell me what's going on. It will be alright. You are going to be OK." Tony felt himself relax. Medication has now taken effect but what helped the most was to finally say out loud that he was abused. 

“It was not my fault". Tony muttered under his breath allowing himself to finally fall asleep.

Chapter Text

Tony wasn't going to admit it to anyone, but he was really enjoying weekly Lego groups. There was little talking involved. They all just played with colourful bricks making elaborate creations. It was the closest he felt to being carefree in a long time. This is probably why it hit him so hard when that bubble of safety was suddenly burst. Tony was walking around the room giving tips or just simply admiring the models. He was about to make a suggestion on a structural integrity of a robo-giraffe a young girl was building then something else caught his attention. 

There was a small boy sitting alone and playing with Lego figurines. When Tony got the glimpse of the scene the boy was recreating he felt sick to his stomach. He had no idea what to do. His first instinct was to ignore it and to flee but he was the adult. He was supposed to help. He crouched next to the boy. 

“Hi. What's your name?" Tony asked gingerly careful not to startle the boy. 

 "Simon" The boy answered Tony without looking up or stopping what he was doing. The actions of the figurines were making Tony feel sick but he was trying his uppermost not to show any signs of disapproval to Simon. He was desperate to help. 

"Do you want to see something cool? Someone has built a robot giraffe over there." The only strategy that came to Tony's mind was distraction. To his surprise Simon eagerly jumped to his feet and started asking question about robot animals. 

“Can I build one? Will you show me how?” Simon did not appear anxious or distressed and was keen to join with the new game. 

 Tony guided Simon to the table where children were creating robot animals for their Zoo. He gestured towards Peter to come over. 

“Peter, can you help young Simon here put an elephant together? I need to take a break.” Tony felt as if his knees were about to give weight any minute and was desperate to leave the room.

“Are you alright Mr Stark? Do I need to get Dr Taylor? You don't look…”

Tony was aware that he was sweating profusely and no doubt looking ghastly pale. He waved his hand dismissively and interrupted Peter’s questioning. "I'm ok. I just need some air." 

Tony left abruptly and rushed towards the courtyard. On his way out he walked past Nicola's office and impulsively knocked on the doors and did not wait for an invitation. 

"Tony you are a bit early... What's wrong?" Nicola was immediately concerned not just by Thony showing up unexpectedly but also his distressed look”

“Simon. There is a boy there in the Lego group. He is called Simon. You need to help him. Something bad is happening...' Tony was hyperventilating and struggling to get his words out. 

“It's ok Tony. He is safe. It is all in the past. Come here. You need to sit down."

“ I can't breathe… God, not this again…” Tony closed his eyes tight and his hand automatically went to his chest when he felt pain hit him like a lightening. 

"Simon is safe. You are safe. Everything is under control.” Nicola was trying to reassure Tony but not getting anywhere fast.

“Adults are supposed to help. They are supposed to... Jarvis I want to go home. Jarvis where are you?”

Nicola guided Tony to sit down and dialled a familiar number on her mobile.

“Jarvis. Tony wants to talk to you.” Nicola handed the phone over to Tony.

“I want to go home. I need to go home." Tony kept repeating almost in a whisper. 

“Very well, Sir. Happy is on his way. He will be with you in approximately half an hour.” Tony did not seem to realize that Jarvis was talking to him through Nicola’s mobile, looking increasingly disorientated and confused. 

“Jarvis where are you? I can’t see you. I need to go home. My chest hurts. Jarvis help me, please.” Tony was now pleading. Nicola took the phone out of his hand to speak with Jarvis again.

“What is going on? Tony doesn’t seem to recognize you all of a sudden.”

“Sir seems to be looking for a person called Jarvis. Late butler of the Stark family. I am led to believe that Mr Stark was very close to him growing up and Edwin Jarvis frequently took care of him in his parents’ absence. If I may, I would like to draw your attention to the impact this current incident is having on Sir’s heart."

Nicola started to sweat herself, recalling the note Tony had written. She looked at the limited range of vital signs that Jarvis could pull remotely when Tony was not in his suit or in the lab. The scarce data that she had at her disposal was enough to alarm her. She could see that the device in Tony’s chest already delivered a shock in an attempt to correct a dangerous rhythm, but Tony was still tachycardic, and his oxygen levels were going down.

"Tony, listen to me. Jarvis is coming to take you home. You are not feeling well." Nicola realised that Tony has completely dissociated and was now stuck in some past memory where Edwin Jarvis was still alive and Tony a small child.

"I'm scared. It hurts." Tony was now crying, clutching at his chest. He clearly had no idea where he was or what was happening.

“Whilst we are waiting I want you to drink this juice. Can you do that?" Nicola neglected to mention that the 'juice’ she was offering was, in fact, liquid chlordiazepoxide. Perhaps there were some ethical issues here but Nicola very much doubt that is his current state Tony had capacity to give informed consent.

When Happy finally arrived, he had to help Tony up and to the car. " Is he drunk?" He asked matter-of-factly. 

“No, sedated.” Nicola explained wearily. 

“Very well." Happy positioned Tony at the back seat of the car in such an efficient and practised way that Nicola had no doubt that he was well accustomed to dealing with Tony in a worse-for-wear state. 

“Do you think you can come with us to keep an eye on him at the back?” Happy brought Nicola’s train of thought with his inquiry.

“I think that's a good idea.” Nicola once again reached for her mobile. She had Jarvis on speed dial and has become very used to asking him for assistance. She felt awkward about it initially, but as Tony frequently encouraged her to do so, she gradually lost her reservations.   “Jarvis, can you let Bruce know that's happening? I'm going to need his help."

Tony was still pretty much out of it when they arrived back at the tower. Nicola decided that workshop was best place for Tony right now. They kept useful medical equipment down there and it was the place where Tony felt safest. Bruce helped Nicola settle Tony on the sofa and they both watched his vital signs, which thankfully normalized pretty quickly. 

“So what has happened exactly?" Bruce enquired in an exacerbated tone. "I thought that you were planning to avoid talking about anything majorly upsetting until we get this arrhythmia under proper control."

"That's still the plan. Unfortunately, Tony got triggered in the Lego group."

"And how did that come about? How does one gets triggered playing with a bunch of kids? Did they start to build models of Afghan caves of the sudden? "

“It's not about the Afghanistan or New York." Nicola and Bruce turned their heads towards Tony realizing that he was now awake and listening to their conversation. 

"What is about then?" Bruce enquired. 

“Bruce, maybe now is not... " Nicola tried to shut the conversation down but to avail. 

“It's never a good time. How am I supposed to help if I don't know what's going on?!” Bruce has thrown his hands in the air increasingly frustrated. 

“I was abused as a child Bruce. There. It's all in the open now" As soon as Tony uttered the words he immediately regretted it. He wondered if it was it the drugs that loosened his tongue. Nicola must have given him particularly strong sedative because he not only felt calm but positively drunk and his inhibitions were clearly gone. Tony watched the emotional reaction on Bruce's face and instantly felt the pain of rejection. 

“Tony... I don't know... I don't know what to... Oh God. " Bruce rushed to grab a trash can and was suddenly violently sick. He then scrambled to get on his feet and get away. 

“I'm disgusting..." Tony whispered with tears again flowing down his face. " 

“Not both of you at once." Nicola uttered under her breath. “Tony, listen to me. Listen to me very carefully. You are not disgusting. This isn't your fault. We will talk about it, but right now, I need to help Bruce. Jarvis will keep an eye on you. Is that OK?” Tony nodded, He still felt woozy and confused.

Reassured that Tony was stable enough, Nicola moved towards Bruce. He was sitting on the floor by the crash cart, surrounded by empty auto-injectors. “Bruce what the hell? What are you doing? " Nicola gathered the syringes and assessed the contents. Under normal circumstances, Bruce would be unconscious, but Hulk was clearly fighting the effects of the medication. 

“I can't... I won't be able to make it to the studio. This is bad...So bad... He is raging. I can feel him." 

“Jarvis, anyone else around who can lend a hand?" Nicola enquired. “Can you get Steve in here?" 

Nicola didn't have to check Bruce's wristwatch or feel his pulse. She could see his carotid pulse pounding in his neck. His blood pressure must still be sky high despite all the sedatives he just injected himself with. Nicola wondered for a second it Hulk could protect Bruce from a stroke in the same way he was able to protect him from a bullet. 

“Promise me you won't try to talk Hulk down. At least not right away." Bruce grasped her wrist and was now pleading with her, terrified of what he may do after the transformation. 

"I won’t. I know the drill, Bruce. Don’t forget that I met Hulk in the early days. I never underestimate him”. Nicola reassured.

“Can you explain to Tony? I need him to understand. " 

“You can explain yourself when you calm down.”

“No, please...”

 “OK, if that's what you need me to do. Try not to worry about Tony right now. He will be fine. Just concentrate on your breathing. Help is on the way"

 At that point Steve rushed into the workshop with Natasha. “What's going on here?” Steve kept shifting his gaze from one scientist to another. Tony was prostrate on the sofa in a confused state, babbling some sort of nonsense to Dummy, who was in turn cooing and beeping at him reassuringly. Bruce was sitting on the floor, propped against a cart full of medical equipment, clearly glowing green.

“Tony is having an episode but he is stable. We need help over here." Nicola explained calmly but with a sense of urgency in her voice. 

Steve knelt in front of Bruce. "Hey, what's going on?”

“I need to get to the containment zone fast. I'm dizzy. Can you help me?" 

When Steve noticed the green tinge to Bruce's skin and immediately understood the predicament. There was no time for any further discussions. "Just lean on me. Let's go.”

They had only just managed to get to the yoga studio and secure the doors when Bruce transformed with a tremendous roar. Hulk immediately proceeded to rampage around, looking for things to smash and destroy. The studio was furnished in a way that minimized any damage that he could cause. This seemed to add to Hulk's frustration. He continued pounding angrily on the walls whilst Steve and Nicola watched him on the monitor outside, realizing that they were in for a long haul and wondering what had brought this incident on.

Chapter Text

When Tony came round again the only person in the workshop with him was Nicola. She was sat on the floor next to the sofa, sipping on a bottle of water and munching on some blueberries having clearly made herself at home. Tony smiled when he realized from the screen that Nicola was looking at that she was playing chess with Jarvis. Tony could also see all his vitals displayed in the corner of the screen. Nicola was obviously there to keep an eye on him.  Somehow, though she could make it feel a bit more relaxed and less intrusive than any other doctor he ever met could. Any doctor apart of Yinsen. Tony felt his chest tighten at the memory and his pulse quickened. Nicola must have noticed because she turned around to look at him.

“Hey. Are you alright Tony? Do you know where you are?” She asked him gently.

“Yeah…” Tony was surprised at the semi-incoherent bubble coming out of his mouth. His brain was fully back online but his mouth did not seem to get the memo. He gestured towards the drink Nicola was holding. “Drink? Thirsty… What’s …  ugh…” 

“Just take it easy.” Nicola put some water and snacks within his easy reach. “The stuff I gave you is a heavy-duty rapid tranquilizer. You are going to have a bad hangover. I’m sorry.”

Tony flicked his wrist and brought up another screen in front of them. He wondered if his typing was any better than his talking and it clearly was. 

Are you sure that I am not having a stroke or something?   He messaged Nicola, only half joking. 

“Positive. We do need to come up with better ways to keep you grounded though. It is not good for you to get sedated every five minutes.”

Tell me about it. Whatever it is that you gave me can you please not give it to me again?  Tony carried on typing as this was definitely easier then talking right now.

“Jarvis, make a note on Tony’s medical file to highlight that he experienced severe  dysarthria and ataxia with chlordiazepoxide and to avoid if possible?”

“Of course, I will make sure to alert Dr Banner and the rest of the medical team to this development.” 

“Br… Bruce?” Tony suddenly looked alarmed as he remembered what happened before he has fallen back to sleep.

“He is OK. It will take him a while to calm down though. This is a full-on Hulk rampage that we have triggered.  Quite a start to my weekend. I may as well hunker down here for the night and wait for Bruce to come round. There will be no talking Hulk down. It just needs to blow over. I hope the walls down there are as strong as Jarvis assures me that they are.”

“I'm sorry. I haven't … I have… Ugh” Tony sighed in frustration and switched back to typing again.  

I haven’t thought this through. I didn't think Bruce will get so angry with me.  He must be so fed up and tired of my antics. I’m a disgusting person. All I bring to people I care about is hurt and disappointment. They are all going to be better off without me. We can just stop trying. Let it happen. Let me die. It should it should have happened a long time ago in Afghanistan. Yinsen gave me a second chance, but I have just wasted it.

Tony was a very fast touch typer and his stream of consciousness was now flowing completely unfiltered on to the screen. Nicola could recognize the pressured tone that she was so familiar with. Tony was looking dejected and heartbroken by that he interpreted to be a rejection. As much as he pushed people away being abandoned and alone was his greatest fear. 

"Tony. Just stop.”  Nicola got hold of Tony’s hand and moved it away from the screen. “You are allowing your imagination to run wild and projecting things on Bruce that absolutely aren't true.”

“But… 

“Take a deep breath and try to listen. Can you do that?" Tony nodded. He was looking at Nicola with wide eyes, clutching a pillow against his chest, which made him look vulnerable and almost childlike. Nicola was worried that despite the sedative still in his system Tony may again start to regress and dissociate. "Bruce isn't angry with you. He has been triggered. I am not breaking a confidence here; he asked me to talk to you. I don't think he can do it himself. Not yet".

“Oh…” Tony could understand that bit rather well. There was so much that he found impossible to talk about. 

" Bruce has a dissociative identity disorder. We call it DID for short. Watching you lose touch with reality is really hard for him. He wants to help you but sometimes he gets overwhelmed. Bruce keeps explaining that it is not about you. He needs you to believe him. It's hard for him not because he is disgusted or otherwise taken aback by your behaviour. It's all hitting to close to home.”

 "He needs space...” Tony was slowly regaining his ability to form words as long as he kept sentences short and spoke slowly.

“Precisely. When it gets too much for you we end up with heart related emergency. When it gets too much for Bruce, we have a half ton giant on our hands so be mindful of that." 

“Bruce dissociates? When?" Tony wondered out loud.

 "What do you think is happening right now? When Bruce was a child he created an alter ego, another personality that was strong and protective but also full of anger. Does that sound familiar at all?" 

 “So Hulk is..." Tony’s eyes widened when he started to put the two and two together and realized just how much he didn’t really understand about Hulk and Bruce. 

"Yes. But this is something that Bruce is still struggling to accept. Despite all the years that have passed and all the therapy, Bruce still sees Hulk as very much separate from himself. It's a very touchy subject. There is only one person around that Bruce will talk to about this.”

“Sullivan?" Nicola noted signs of realization spread across Tony's face.

"Yes. That's why he thought it was a good idea for you to see him. Sullivan is the only therapist out there that Bruce fully trusts. It was not a conspiracy or a trap." 

"God. I said some hurtful things to Bruce. I didn't know." Tony pondered for a second if he should ask the question or if it was overstepping the mark, but he figured Nicola would manage the line for him. “Why did Bruce need an alter ego to protect him? What happened?" 

“Bruce and his mother were both victims of horrific domestic abuse. We don't need to go into details, but what you should know is that his mother, Barbara, was eventually killed by his father. Bruce never stopped blaming himself for it." 

"Oh God." Tony was left speechless. They just sat there for a little while, not talking or looking at each other. Just being. Nicola called that, sitting with distress. No distractions. No escaping from it by drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Just waiting. Tony started to feel grateful for the chlordiazepoxide because it has definitely taken the edge off. He was quite certain that without it still slushing in his system he would have collapsed with some other dreadful arrythmia again. 

“Jarvis, where is Pepper? Tony eventually broke the silence.

Ms Pots is still at the board meeting. It is running late. Would you like me to put a call through"

 "No, don't disturb her. Can you show me? Just the video feed, no sound." Jarvis brought up the feed from the board room here Pepper was currently running through the latest data on the company's performance. Tony was again silent, watching the screen, and Nicola noticed that he was crying.

"Tony, are you ok? Have you got any pain? " Nicola gently put her hand on his shoulder, mindful not to startle him but keen to keep him grounded with physical touch.

"No. No pain." He shook his head to emphasize. Now that the most dramatic effects of the sedative had worn off, he felt better. He was calm but no longer woozy. His heartbeat felt steady. Normal. There was no pain. No physical pain, at least. He was supposed to name his emotions. They were working on it quite a lot in therapy. 

“I’m sad.” Tony stated matter of factly. 

"Do you want to have dinner with Pepper tonight? I think you should talk to her about what happened. Keep her in the loop." Nicola has worked with Tony long enough to realize that the emotion underneath that Tony was not quite able to name yet was loneliness. 

“I don't want to go out." Tony winced at the idea of living the safety of not only his workshop but the tower.

“Take away? What do you guys like to eat?" Nicola suggested. 

"Thai. That's her favourite.” Tony answered automatically but started to backtrack.  “You don't need to fuss though"

Nicola laughed out loud in a good-natured way. “A bit too late for that Tony. I am back on Shield’s payroll and my only objective right now is to take care of you and Bruce. The technology devision has taken a real hit having you both out of action."

" I broke Bruce..." Tony muttered under his breath.

“OK, I'm worried now. Has anything of what I told you before sunk in, or were you still too sedated to grasp it? " Nicola looked at him, her expression more serious.

" I did hear you. I am not sure, though, if I have, what do you like to call it, internalized it yet.

Nicola smiled at that. Tony might be making slow progress but at least he remembered that she told him in therapy sessions. “That's insightful"

"I do worry about hurting people. People that I really care about. When I die... I don't know… It seems logical that if I keep them at arm's length, they will hurt less whan it happens.

“It does not work like that. Your father kept you at a distance. Did that help your grief or fuck you up even more? ' Tony winced again and closed his eyes whilst drawing a deep breath. 

“This is a rhetorical question. We are definitely not going to start to unpick this right now." Nicola could see the relief on Tony's face. “You can't isolate yourself. This is the worst thing both for your physical and mental health. You will have dinner with Pepper. That's doctor's orders. Tomorrow, we will talk to Wilson about arrangements for your hospital visit next week."

" But... 

“No buts, Tony. You have scared me today. We are running out of time. You just need to let me take control of this situation a little bit." 

“Ok.” Tony knew that she was right. He was exhausted, and letting someone else take control for a while suddenly felt somewhat appealing. “Jarvis knows that we like. He'll order. I'm going to take a shower and change. How is that for being a good patient? "

"Gold star. I will check on Bruce in the meantime." Nicola smiled and gave Tony's hand a reassuring squeeze. 

“Jarvis, can you get some food for everyone? I'm staying the night. Steve and Natal will also need to keep their strength up."

Chapter Text

Nicola was impressed by the spread that Jarvis arranged. It was more than enough for them all and food smelled amazing. Nicola enlisted Clint’s help. While he brought most of the food to the communal living room, she took the rest upstairs to the penthouse. Nicola was busy dishing up when Pepper returned.

“That smells amazing Tony. I am absolutely famished. It has been such a... " Pepper stopped mid-sentence when she saw Nicola in their kitchen instead of Tony.

"…long day? You and me both" Nicola supplied cheerfully handing Pepper a bowl with prawn crackers.

“Let's take it all through". Nicola motioned in the direction of the dining table and Pepper followed with some trepidation. Nicola seemed relaxed but her presence in the tower, particularly at this time indicated trouble. Pepper put the bowl on the table and sat down. "Is he... Is he alright?" She asked Nicola anxiously.

"Yes. We did have a rather eventful day. He is tired so I would recommend an early night but it's important that you get to spend some time together." Nicola finished setting the dishes and sat down next to Pepper inviting conversation.

“How bad is it? Like really? I try to ask him, but he just changes the subject.” Pepper looked Nicola in the eye as if to invite her to tell her how it is straight.

"It's difficult to know for sure until Dr Wu does more tests. As things stand, it seems that Tony is at fairly high risk of sudden death. Every time he has one of those episodes when his heart develops an abnormal rhythm there is a possibility that he won't recover." Nicola tried to avoid to many technical terms and explain it to Pepper the best she could.

“Does he know that? "Pepper swallowed hard.

"Yes. He knows and he is absolutely petrified. Not that he would ever admit it." Nicola smiled sadly. “If I can make a suggestion, Pepper... '

 "Of course…”

“Take some time off work to be with him." Nicola could see from Pepper's expression that she understood, without needing to spell it out any more clearly, that time was running out.

Nicola squeezed Pepper's hand reassuringly and got up. "I will get the rest of the food through and get Jarvis to call Tony. He is probably having a power nap.

“Will you join us?" Pepper could see that table was set only for two and she appreciated that, but she felt the need to ask out of politeness.

“No, I have some other matters to attend to. I will eat with the team. I will see you later.”

&

Next stop for Nicola was the Yoga studio where Steve and Natasha were still keeping watch. Hulk calmed down slightly and was no longer pounding on the walls and doors but there was no sign of him turning back into Banner. “How are you two doing? I think it's time for a break. There is some food in the communal living room. I will stay here for a while." Nicola offered.

“Once this is over, I am expecting a full report. Things are really getting out of control around here." Steve stated sternly standing in front of Nicola with his hands on his hips. She looked him up and down' not showing any signs of being intimidated.

“Sure thing, captain. You may want to double-check with Fury first, though, what your level of clearance is on this one." Nicola retorted easily.

 "Come on, chow is getting cold." Natasha laughed and pulled Steve towards the lounge. “I would have thought that all this time in the military would have taught you not to try to pull rank on the doctors. They are a league of their own.

Natasha returned shortly after having grabbed herself a couple of takeaway containers out of the vast selection available. “May I join you?" She didn't wait for a confirmation and sat Next to Nicola who was tucking into her Pad Thai, expertly using chopsticks. “I have set some food aside for Bruce. He will be starring when this is over." Nicola nodded in agreement. “Do you know that set this off? I know that Tony and Bruce sometimes have their disagreements, but they are best buddies. I’m surprised that Tony managed to piss Bruce off so badly."

“He didn't." Nicola shook her head. “Look, I know that you and Bruce are close. Ask him, but don't be offended if he doesn't want to talk about it'.

"It has been hours. We may be ready to try something. Nicola got up and approached the intercom." Hulk, can you hear me, buddy? " There was no acknowledgement. "The sun is getting really low."

“Fuck sun! Hulk smash." Came the loud and clear response.

"Well, we may not be ready after all. I will try again a bit later."

“What was it that you said to him?" Natasha enquired. It's a trigger phrase, in a positive sense. A message that signals that he can stand down and allow Bruce to come back out. It doesn't work until Hulk is calm and receptive."

“The sun is getting really low." Natasha repeated under her breath.

“He is okay. We can all take a break for a while," Nicola said, getting up and picking up empty food containers to take back to the kitchen.

"You go. I will stay. Just in case Bruce comes around. I don't want him to be alone."

When Nicola left Natasha waited another half an hour before carefully opening the doors Hulk was no longer pacing and instead was sitting in the corner on the room with his back against the wall. Natasha approached cautiously and extended her hands to show that she was unarmed and meant no threat.

"Hey Big Guy. You are ok. We are ok.” Natasha approached carefully and cautiously. “The sun is getting really low." She kept repeating.

“Banner sad. Hulk angry." Hulk finally acknowledged her.

“Can I talk to Bruce? I can help him."

“Help Bruce. Help tin man. Both sad. Both scarred. Not good. "

“I understand. Thank you, Hulk. Thank you for taking care of Bruce. I can take over now.”

&

Nicola opened the cabinet where they kept Tony's medication and appraised the contents with a sigh. When they started all, they needed was an occasional betablocker. Tony's heart failure progressed to the point where they not only needed a hospital-style drug chart to track the regimen, but things required frequent fine turning in response to his blood pressure and other symptoms. Tony was fully compensated but only when he stayed on top of the regimen. Bruce normally took care of it with some help from Jarvis. With Bruce still undisposed, Nicola set to prepare Tony's medication. She took them through to the penthouse. The dining room was empty. Tony and Pepper were watching a movie. Well, Tony was already asleep lying on the sofa with his head on Pepper's lap. She was stroking his head and murmuring something quietly. Nicola didn't want to intrude on their moment but some of the medications were already overdue.

 "Hey. I have got Tony's pills here. I'm afraid you all need to wake him. It's important that he takes them now." Pepper extended her hand to get the pill pot from Nicola, and the movement woke Tony up. He coughed a few times, huffed, and then sat up abruptly.

"How is your breathing? Do you need your inhaler as well?" Nicola enquired, making a mental note to ask Jarvis to closely monitor Tony’s oxygen levels.

 "No, it's Ok now that I sat up." Tony took a deep breath and coughed again to clear his chest fully. He took the medication from Pepper and raised his eyebrow questioningly. He clearly noticed a pill missing.

“We are skipping Enalapril tonight. Your blood pressure is still questionable.” Nicola explained.

"If you are playing the night nurse, does that mean Bruce is still..."

“Still Hulk. I don't think it will take much longer, though. He is next on my round."

As if on que Jarvis interrupted. “ Dr Taylor. Agent Romanoff is requesting your assistance in the yoga studio."

“Thank you, Jarvis. I will be right there. "

Nicola handed Pepper a pillow before leaving. “Remember Tony what I said about lying flat?"

 Tony rolled his eyes but made sure that he was properly propped up before resting his head back down.

&

In the studio Nicola was surprised to find Natasha inside and Banner back. He looked pale and was shaking uncontrollably.

“Something is wrong. I can't get a coherent word out of him.” Natasha supplied.

“Right, we need to get him to medical right away. On your feet, Bruce, come on." Nicola hoped that Bruce had enough energy left to walk to the sick bay under his own steam.

Bruce struggled to get up but with help of Nicola and Natasha managed eventually. Thankfully the elevator was nearby and from there the walk to medical short. The sick bay was almost empty with just a couple of nurses huddling around the nursing station.

“Dr Taylor? We aren't expecting you until tomorrow.” Nicola arranged to have an exclusive use of the facilities on the Sunday so that she could do some exposure exercises with Tony ahead of his investigations scheduled by Dr Wu for the following week.

“Slight change of plans. I need a gurney.” The nurse led them into an empty side room. “Right, next shot of glucagon, hypo stop and a large bottle of orange juice.” Nicola knew what was going on but nevertheless rummaged through the crash trolley draws for a blood sugar monitor. "Bruce. Your turn to be a patient I'm afraid. Sharp scratch coming." She quickly took a sample to double-check her suspicions.

“Bruce your blood sugar is really low. Open your mouth for me. I need you to take this glucose gel." Bruce was starting to get combative and did not seem to understand the instructions.

“Right glucagon it is. Sorry buddy. Sharp scratch.” Nicola injected Bruce in the thigh before turning to the nurse.

"I need IV access and fluids. Have some IV glucose on standby as well. Some monitoring wouldn't go amiss. Nicola quickly fired instructions.

“Right away, doctor." The nurses recognised this as a medical emergency and hurried to get the required equipment.

Natasha watched, confused. Bruce was always exhausted when he turned back, but this was new.

“He will be alright.” Nicola reassured her. “Why don't you sit next to him and hold his hand? He should start coming around any minute now."

The nurse returned pushing a trolley with equipment. She attached stickers and wires necessary to connect Bruce to the cardiac monitor whilst Nicola busied herself looking for a vein.

"Dem. You are dehydrated like a crisp." Nicola felt bad realizing that they have kept Hulk in the studio way to long without access to food or drink. This design flow will need to be addressed as a priority. The studio needs provisions in sufficient quantities for Hulk.

Bruce winced when the needle penetrated his skin but still did not open his eyes. Nicola let the fluids run wide open and pushed some glucose into the IV.

"Come on Bruce. Can you hear me?” Natasha was really starting to get worried. She finally saw him stir and start to come round. “There we go. Take it easy. You are in the medical bay at the Stark Tower." Natasha was still holding Bruce's hand and trying to provide some reassurance.

“What the hell happened? Was I injured in a mission?" Bruce had no idea how he had ended up in the sick bay.

“You are having a hypo. Drink this." Nicola handed him some juice. “Nat, did you say that you saved him a plate? A large portion of rice would be perfect for a complex carbohydrate source."

 "Sure. I will go and get it.”

“Ugh. Don't they have sandwiches here or something?". Bruce did prefer rice, but he wondered by Nicola would send Nat away to fetch it. Then the memory hit him.

“Oh my God, Tony “. He looked at Nicola, alarmed.

" He is ok. Pepper is with him. Jarvis, have let him know that you are resting." Bruce breathed a sigh of relief at that.

“How are you? I know that physically, you are bloody awful. On top of a hypo, you are badly dehydrated. It's all in hand, though. How are you feeling emotionally?

“Confused... That's the best I can come up with right now. Can we… Can we maybe not talk about it ?"

“How about I call Sullivan and arrange for him to touch base with you tomorrow? Would that be better?"

 "Yes." Bruce avoided looking directly at Nicola. “The other guy... Hulk... what's the damage report?"

Nicola realised that Bruce looked ashamed. " Hey, it's all good. We will make sure that we have plenty of food and water at the studio. Otherwise, it makes for a perfect containment zone. Hulk did well. All he wants is to protect you and the people you care about. There is nothing to feel guilty about." Nicola tapped Brunce on the shoulder reassuringly. “Here, finish this before Nat comes back with your food". She handed him another glace of juice. "I'm going to write up your nighttime orders. I'm afraid you will be stopping here until morning. Bruce groaned at that. He hated medical bay almost as much as Tony did.

Chapter Text

Nicola returned to the medical bay first thing in the morning. She took a handover from the nurse on duty before entering Bruce's cubicle. 

“Good morning! Rise and shine. "She greeted him cheerfully. 

“God. I hate this place. The nurse would not leave me alone all night with her relentless fussing and checks, and now it is you. Bruce propped himself up on his elbow and gave Nicola a glare. 

" Well, you will be pleased to know that you are fit for discharge. I'm going to take your IV out as long as you promise me to have at least two litres of fluids orally in the next couple of hours. "

 "How are my bloods looking? Kidney injury?" Bruce motioned with his hand towards the iPad that Nicola was holding. It provided instant access to charts, results and all the medical records.

“Yeah. Just the first stage, though. Your bloods are looking much better this morning.” Nicola handed Bruce the electronic device to allow him to see for himself.

“I am surprised that you are so eager to let me escape. I expected you to keep me here at least another day. Not that I am complaining—far from it." Bruce expertly set to take his own IV out, satisfied with the results of his latest kidney function test.” Pass me the tape, will you?"

"Well, Tony is supposed to come here after breakfast. I need to help him acclimatize to the place before his scheduled echo. Wilson is coming over this afternoon. The sooner he gets to know the anaesthetist, the better. The idea of going under petrifies him just as much as going through those tests awake.

“He did mention." Bruce remarked solemnly, casting his mind back to the conversation he had with Tony whilst he last tried to perform an echo on him.

" It's going to be a tough gig without the added stress of finding you here on a drip, looking like death warmed up."

“Thanks for that. I could do with a shave, but this is a bit of an exaggeration. Bruce run a hand over his morning stubble and ruffled hair. 

“I'm being serious Bruce. I could really do with your help on this one. And Tony needs a friend. But if this is going to make you ill we may have to rethink our strategy.”

"I'm fine..."

"You are not fine. You are exhausted. Have you been sleeping? "Bruce knew that this question was rhetorical. 

“You know about the dreams...” Bruce turned his face away from Nicola. He wasn’t enjoying the sudden scrutiny. 

"The nurse was fussing over you all night because your heart rate was spiking like mad. They have called me down here four or maybe five times. I started to lose count in the early hours. “

 " Oh..." Bruce felt a bit sheepish. He was giving Nicola a hard time when she essentially just pulled a 24-hour shift between looking after him and Tony, and there was no break on the horizon.

“All this is manageable at the tower. We can't have you hulking out at the hospital, though…

"Are you going to confine me to...”  Bruce was suddenly alarmed. The cardiac monitor that he was still connected to started beeping frantically.

“Of course not.” Nicola interjected. “Take it easy. Nice deep breaths". She waited for Bruce to recover before she carried on talking.

"That's not what I meant. Not at all. At the moment, though, the two of you trigger each other. You won't be able to help Tony if your head is not in the game. There is too much at stake for us to just take a gamble on this. Plus, if you destroy the Presbyterian Hospital, I will have no job to go back to after this Shield gig is over.”

“I really need to talk to Sullivan, don't I? Get my shit in order." Bruce admitted. 

"That would be preferable to having you benched. Be kind to yourself, though. If it proves too much, we will find a work around. We always do. "

“Your chariot awaits." Natasha interrupted them. She pushed a wheelchair into the cubicle.

"You must be kidding me. I am not a complete invalid. " Bruce protested. 

"Did you try to get out of bed and stand up yet?” Nicola interjected.” Trust me, you will need this. Postural drop is going to be a bitch at least for the next 24 hours. " As soon as Bruce attempted to stand, he realised that Nicola was right. He felt lightheaded and his vision started to blur around the edges. Natasha got hold of his shoulders and guided him to the wheelchair. He allowed himself to be held and sunk into her embrace, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. They would stay like that for a while it wasn't for Nicola.

"Chop, chop. Of you go. I will check on you later. Two litters minimum before lunchtime, or the IV is going back in. "

Natasha pushed Bruce into the elevator. Before she could select his floor Bruce gave chosen the button for the basement.

“Bruce, what’s wrong? "Natasha was momentarily alarmed, thinking that he was about to transform again without an obvious trigger.

“I’m fine. I just want to see. It helps me piece things together. I need to go to the studio for a little bit.” Natasha nodded. 

Bruce had a good look around the studio. Nothing was out of place. The only difference was a sizable stash of water and food now arranged in the corner of the room. There was no damage. Stark Tower was capable of containing Hulk even when he was raging. Was containment even the right word. It felt like Hulk was being looked after. Bruce was getting lost in confusing and unfamiliar feelings this realisation evoked in him when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

" Hey, let's go back upstairs.” Natasha coaxed him gently and he nodded in agreement. 

When they got to the apartment Natasha helped him transfer from the wheelchair to the sofa. He again felt dizzy when he stood up. Natasha set up two large bottles of water and a glass within his easy reach.

"Here, you need to get started. I don't think Nicola was joking about putting you back on IV if you don't meet your quota” Nat pushed a full glass towards him. "Do you want some breakfast?"

“I have eaten. The nurse practically forced me to eat porridge and toast this morning. I will need lunch though. Probably more rice. Complex carbohydrates and proteins. After the transformation, I need to eat a lot. It plays havoc with my metabolism and sometimes my blood sugar levels drop very low.”

“Nicola explained it to me yesterday. I was really worried."

"You have really helped. I am grateful. But I would rather you didn't get close to Hulk. It's not safe. "

"Can I get close to you? "Natasha looked at Bruce suggestively and he laughed nervously.

" I am serious Nat. I can remember what you did. It was reckless. It doesn't always work and the other guy, Hulk, can be completely unpredictable. 

“You keep saying that, but this is not what I have seen." 

“Promise me that you will not try this lullaby thing again." Bruce insisted.

" Is that what Nicola calls it?" 

" Yeah…" 

"I know a better lullaby. Natasha took the empty glass out of his hand and started to quietly sing Russian. Bruce could only make up a couple of words, but he was quickly lost in the melody. His last thought before he closed his eyes was that Nat changed the subject before, she promised him anything.

&

Nicola got everything she needed set up and waited patiently for Tony. When he was way past being fashionably late, she massaged Janis.

N: where is Tony? 

J: Sir is in the workshop. 

N: Breakfast? 

J: Not yet. 

N: Shower 

J:Negative.

N: Meds?

 J: On schedule.

“Well, that’s something." Nicola muttered under her breath. 

J: I agree. This is positive.

"Gosh Jarvis, are you everywhere?" Nicola instinctively looked up startled. 

"Everywhere in the tower. If you are more comfortable texting though, we can continue to do that. Also, if you don't want me to listen or talk just say so. You have the top-level access to my interface. Sir is the only one who can override you."

Nicola did notice that recently all her requests to Jarvis were immediately actioned then before she often had to seek additional authorization from To­ny. On one hand she was happy with this sign of trust and on the other wondered if Tony was looking for replacement friends for all his bots. He has started to take Dummy with him to the Lego club and encouraged the robot to spend lots of time with Peter. Tony obviously could not simply be replaced but those preparations were how he managed his fear of death. He did similar things over the period of palladium poisoning. As much as Tony feared dying in pain his main concern was for living those he cared about behind. 

"Jarvis, can you put me through to Pepper?"

"Of course. Ms Potts is in her office, her schedule for the morning is clear.”

It was clear because she was supposed to help get Tony ready. Nicola wondered that happened. “Jarvis, did they have a domestic? I mean an argument.”

" I can neither confirm nor refute. Would you like me to put you through to Ms Potts? I am sure she will be able to clarify." Nicola smiled; she has just hit the trust boundary. 

Pepper picked up the phone immediately. “I am so sorry. I know it's important and I did try to get him ready, but he has been insufferable since the moment he opened his eyes."

"Don't worry Pepper. We knew it was going to be hard. Take a break, I will keep you updated on how things are going.”

"Thank you... '

&

Nicola entered the workshop cautiously. Tony was sitting at his desk surrounded by screens. Instead of the usual engineering schematics and equations that she could never made sense of the screens were filled with information that was very familiar to her. Tony's medical records. His chest X-ray was immediately recognisable with the arch reactor at the centre and pieces of shrapnel surrounding his heart. She could just about make up the faint shadows of the pacing electrodes.

"Hey Tony. I see that you have started without me." Nicola remarked lightly.

Tony looked up at her and wiped tears of his face with a long sleeve of his shirt.

"I can't do it. I can't..."

 "You are doing it. Just let me help you. Nicola pulled over a lab stool and sat down next to Tony. Why don't we start with some breathing exercises."

"You are going to do that finger Voodoo, aren't you? Tony looked at her suspiciously. 

“It did help last time, didn't it?"

"Yeah…” Tony reluctantly admitted.

“Then, yes I am going to do more of it. The technical term is EMDR but whatever works for you.

After they have spent a bit of time just sitting and breathing Tony seemed calmer.

"I know you are much more comfortable looking at screens than people, so we will try something different today."

"Jarvis can you bring up one of the eye movement videos. The square will do, or the purple ball whichever."

Jarvis brought up a black screen with series of white squares in the middle. One of the squares was constantly moving from left to right.

"Here, instead of my finger keep tracking the square. Try not to move your head, just your eyes. It will be a long conversation, so using a video makes it easier for me also ." 

" Oh, high-tech voodoo. I like that." For the first time today, she managed to get Tony to smile.

"So let's start at the beginning. Tell me again why you are so uncomfortable with the medical procedures."

“When this Wilson comes, will I have to tell him all this?" Tony didn’t get into the exercise and instead started asking questions, but Nicola could see his eyes tracking the square. That was a good start.

"No, he already knows the nuts and bolts of your history. He wants to talk about here and now so he can agree with you on how to best avoid your triggers at the hospital.'

"Will Bruce be there?”

“Not today. He is still exhausted.”

“ I know that he was in the medical bay all night.” Tony moved his eyes briefly away from the screen to check the expression on Nicola’s face. She didn’t look angry but he still explained. “ Don't be mad at Jarvis.  He can't go against my direct commands.”

“I figured. What if your life was at risk?" Nicola decided to use this conversation as an opportunity to explore something that played on her mind for a while.

" It depends ...

"On what? "

" Are you asking me for a lesson on Artificial Intelligence and overarching objectives, or do you just want to know if Jarvis would stop me from killing myself?” Tony’s gaze was firmly directed towards the screen.

Nicola was momentarily taken aback. She shouldn't be surprised. There was not much point skirting around issues. Tony was a super genius with an IQ estimated to be around 250 points. When he directed his attention towards people, he was extremely perceptive even if his stunted emotional development was holding him back at times.

"The later..."

"We tell each other the truth. That's still the deal, yes?” Tony inquired quietly. 

"Very much so." Nicola already had her answer, but she waited for the confirmation.

"Jarvis can't prevent me from killing myself. Not unless I want him to. "

"Duly noted. Now, can you tell me about the surgery again? As much detail as you can. Remember that you are free to stop at any time. You are in control of this process. "

Tony complied and started to tell Nicola about his time in Afghanistan again. He noticed that each time they did it he' felt a little bit less distressed. The images of bloody surgical instruments and hands holding him down were less and less intrusive. He could now access different memories. They were mainly of Yinsen trying to comfort him. Him cooking food that was just about palatable from their meager provisions.  Playing chess together. Working on the very first arch reactor. He told Nicola that he didn't want to speak about Yinsen’s death, and she didn't push. Tony did feel in control of this process, and that's what gave him hope.

Chapter Text

Bruce woke up from his nap to the enticing smell of spices. He opened his eyes to see a large plate of chicken and rice dish leftovers from last night. There was a pot of freshly brewed tea to the side. Natasha was still there. Sat in the armchair next to the sofa he was resting on, tucking into a noodle dish. 

"Hey, it's time for your lunch. Nicola has been. She told me to remind you that you need to drink and that you have an important phone call at 1 pm.” Natasha remarked breezily. 

“What have you done to be demoted to my babysitter and a secretary? Jarvis can keep an eye on me. I am fine. " Bruce responded more curtly than he intended. He had a headache and felt more out of sorts than before he had fallen asleep.

“You are not fine. And besides, I want to be here." Natasha has clearly chosen to ignore his inflammatory tone. 

"Maybe I don't want you here. Have you considered what I want? Does anyone ever think about that? " Bruce surprised himself with what had just come out of his mouth. His normal modus operandi was to bend over backwards to avoid conflict, and what is more, he actually cared for Natasha. There was no need for him to try and pick an argument with her.

“Natasha got up. She was still smiling and her movements slow and relaxed. As she walked past Bruce on her way out, she gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Call your shrink Bruce. Sometimes, what you need is more important than what you want."

Bruce let that sink in. She was right of course. Not so long ago, he was admonishing Tony for isolating himself, and now he was doing exactly the same thing. He checked his watch. Half an hour left until his scheduled appointment. He wolfed down the rice and washed it down with copious amounts of green tea. When the time came to make the call, Bruce felt calm about it. He had a good idea that it was what he needed to talk about. After exchanging greetings and pleasantries, Bruce and Dr Sullivan quickly fell into a familiar routine. Bruce talked and Sullivan listened. Occasionally offering some insights or suggestions. By the end of the call, Bunce had a fairly good idea of what he needed to do next.

&

Sam approached the receptionist at the Stark Tower with mild apprehension. He was directed to the medical bay and sat there alone, lost in his thoughts whilst he waited. Any job that Nicola pulled him into was guaranteed to be a challenge, but this seemed to be on an entirely new level. After a visit from a very intimidating guy with an eye patch, security clearance and endless non-disclosure agreements he started to doubt if he still wanted to get involved. Then he got his patient's chart, and he instantly knew that he couldn't refuse. Everyone in New York owed their lives to Tony Stark. If Iron Man hadn't managed to fly through that portal with a nuclear missile on his back, they would all be dead.  Tony was ready, like so many of a serviceman, to make the ultimate sacrifice. He survived but there was a price to pay. Sam felt a familiar sense of obligation that propelled him through. He might have retired from active duty, but at heart, he was still very much a service man.  By the time he finished reading the file he was doubting again if he was the right man for the job. Not because he didn't want to help but because of the enormity of the task at hand. When he finally accepted, he had numerous calls with Nicola, who briefed him, with Tony's permission, on the finer details that were not spelt out in the records. As if the situation wasn't complex enough he has now discovered that there was even more to it. The icing on the cake was talking with Dr Banner. That’s when the seriousness of Tony’s predicament really hit home. His heart was failing, and the pressure of PTSD-related symptoms was accelerating this process. Without a drastic intervention Tony had at best a couple of months to live and could in reality drop dead at any moment with the next episode of VF. Even if Tony could be persuaded to let Dr Wu operate on him the arch reactor would make it extremely complicated. The statistical probability of Tony dying on the operating table was extremely high. Sam was pretty sure that Tony understood that. 

Sam was pulled back to reality by Bruce entering the sick bay. “Dr Willson, it's good to finally meet you in person." Bruce approached and extended his hand for a handshake. In that moment he suddenly felt dizzy. He had clearly overestimated as to how long he could remain upright before his blood pressure dropped again. Sam got hold of his elbow and  maneuvered  him towards a nearby gurney. 

“Thanks. I'm afraid I'm a little bit worse for wear myself." Bruce muttered, his head spinning. 

"You don't say." Sam had hold of his wrist and was clearly making his own rapid assessment of the situation. He made Bruce comfortable lying flat with his legs slightly raised and attached to all sorts of monitors before he had a chance to protest. Your blood pressure is really low and your heart is struggling to compensate. Are there any nurses about in this place?" Wilson looked around the deserted facility. 

“Not today. Nicola sent everyone home to make sure Tony has his privacy. Look, I am not going to die on you here. This is already an improving picture." Sam raised an eyebrow to that 

“You know that I have a tendency to turn into a big green monster?" Sam nodded. Everyone knew about Hulk and the role he played in saving New York and saving the Iron Man for that matter. “Well, this is the aftermath. AKI. It's resolving but I am peeing out more than I can drink. I need some fluids to top me up. Repeat bloods probably wouldn't go amiss to keep an eye on electrolytes. There is a blood gas machine over there. If you ran a venous sample through it we will know straight away where we stand. Here, you can run it against those results for comparison. " Bruce handed Sam one of the iPads. "It's all set up for you. Tony's medical records are on there. I have just given you limited access to mine. I know this is not the gig you came here for, but I could really use a hand right now." 

“Of course. Just relax. I will get those fluids going." Sam quickly scanned through the results and gathered the required equipment. The medical bay had a familiar military feel to it. Everything was extremely well organized, nothing out of place. Bruce did appreciate Sams's expertise. He didn't even feel the IV going in, and a couple of minutes later, he was already feeling better after a fluid bolus. His blood pressure and heart rate normalised now that he was lying down.

&
 

Nicola managed to coax Tony out of the workshop, but he dug his heels in again at the door to the medical bay. He sank to the floor against the wall. “Look Tony, this is fine. You are doing great." Nicola tried to reassure him.

" It doesn't feel fine." Tony sputtered in between rapid and shallow breaths.

" I'm going to talk to Sam. You just take your time and try to bring your breathing under control. You know what to do."

"Easy for you to say." Tony remarked grumpily but he knew that Nicola was right. He has mastered the breathing exercises and no longer needs to be coached through them. He did have a degree of control over his body. He tried to hold on to that thought. As he carried on with his box breathing he listened to the voices inside. Nicola and an unfamiliar male voice. That will be Dr Willson. there was a third voice in there. He raised his eyebrow. The place was supposed to be empty. Then suddenly he recognised the warm baritone. Bruce. He did come after all. Tony momentarily forgot about his apprehensions. His desire to talk to Bruce and make amendments was stronger than his fear of the medical bay. He got up and entered. When he got through the doors they all looked at him but then got back to what they were doing. After a couple of minutes Bruce motioned for him to come over.

“I'm sorry. I never should have... " Tony started to apologize but Bruce interjected.

"It's ok Tony. I had a bit of a shock, that's all. You don't need to feel bad about it. I am glad that you told me. I know it was really hard thing to do. "

" Are you... are you alright?" Tony made a vague gesture towards the drip and monitors that Bruce was attached to. “God, why do they need so many wires. There must be a better way to design these things."  Tony muttered under his breath.

Bruce gave Tony one of his doctor's looks. "I am alright. I just need to top up my fluid levels. Pull over that chair and sit down". Bruce watched him sank into the chair. Tony bent over and covered his face with his hands. Nicola must have been keeping an eye on  them because she came over straight away. 

“Come on Tony. You know this won't do. You can't breathe properly like this." She put her hand on Tony's shoulder. He recoiled as if propelled by a spring. 

“Why don't you get yourself on this gurney here. You will be much more comfortable." Nicola patiently encouraged.

Tony seriously doubted that there was any way for him to make himself comfortable, but he complied. Nicola approached him next with the ECG stickers. " May I? I need Sam to be able to see". It's just a 3 lead for the rhythm strip." Tony nodded weekly in agreement. They talked about it. Nicola wasn’t doing anything that they haven't discussed. Remember to tell me if you need me to stop." Nicola lifted his T- shirt and put the sticky pads on his chest. She was about to get them connected when she heard Tony whispered  for her to stop. She paused immediately and pulled his T- shirt back down over the arch reactor. 

“Can you do the pulse oximeter first? Tony extended his left hand towards her, and Nicola put the device on his index finger. The monitor immediately started to alarm. Sam came over and quickly fiddled with the settings. He knew from Tony's file that due to his reduced lung capacity his oxygen saturations were usually running on the lover side of normal. Adjusting the parameters would stop the monitor from alarming excessively.

“Nice to meet you Mr Stark.” Sam introduced himself breezily. "My name is...

" I, I know who you are." Tony quipped but then softened ' a bit. "You can call me Tony.

" Do the monitors bother you Tony?” Sam decided that he may as well get on with the task on hand. Figuring out how to make the prospect of GA a bit less terrifying. 

“It's mainly the wires..." Tony looked at Nicola and lifted his T-shirt back up to let her connect the cardiac monitor. Sam was immediately alarmed by the number of PVC s and other irregularities in the tracing. He instinctively turned the monitor away from Tony.

" I can tell when the rhythm gets more abnormal. I can feel it. You don't need to hide the screen." Tony remarked. He was watching Sam intently as if to take a good measure of him. Sam tried not to flinch under the scrutiny. “ Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?" Sam enquired.

“Oxygen. I know my sats are alright but… "

“ No need to explain. It makes perfect sense." Sam handed Tony an oxygen mask but Tony didn't take it. 

“I don't like to be handed things. Just put it down within reach." 

“Fair enough. Anything else you don't like?"

" People standing over me."  Sam immediately pulled up a chair and sat next to the bed bringing himself to his level. 

“The smell... That's a big one... This place just smells clean and medical…. But…” Sam could see on the monitor that Tony's heart rate picked up and he started to throw PVCs in rapid succession. “Yinsen put me under with chloroform. It was, it was..." Now Tony’s breathing has also picked up the pace. 

“Tony I know what happened. We don't need to go over it again. Not unless you want to." 

“OK." Tony was silent for a little while. Sam could see that he was doing box breathing and it was clearly helping because his heart rate came right down.

“What I propose as a way forward is total intravenous anaesthesia. Normally we use medication to induce but keep people asleep with an anaesthetic gas. With smell of those being such a powerful trigger we will avoid that. I will keep you asleep with propofol drip. The only gas you will be breathing in is oxygen, which you like. Nicola made Sam aware that Tony needed details. He had to understand the process to feel safe.

“Will that definitely keep me asleep?" Heart rate was up, and PVCs were back. Sam could see the ST segment dipping more and more with every frantic beat of Tony's heart. It was time to bring this conversation to a close.

“It will. It is even more reliable method than using an anaesthetic gas. “Tony, you need to tell me when you are in pain." 

" I'm always in pain. Read my file." Tony growled taking in a deep breath through the oxygen mask.

"Ok. You need to tell me then that pain changes. You know what I am talking about."

Tony thought that Sam was pretty good. Very perceptive and clearly knew what he was doing. That had somehow reassured him. " Angina... “ Tony muttered pointing towards his chest. "I don't like the GTW spray. I normally just wait for it to settle. It usually does go away by itself. Unless it's a particularly bad attack. It may be one of those... “ Tony was finally ready to admit defeat. 

Tony didn't protest when Sam put IV access in his hand and gave him an injection. The pain in his chest quickly resolved. " It's just like GTN spray but it goes into your vein. Do you need some morphine on top?" 

“No. I will ask for it if I need it." Tony snatched his hand back from Sam.

“Ok." Sam made a mental note to talk Tony through patient-controlled analgesia and other options for post operative pain management. 

“Nicola. I think we did enough for today. I really don't like the look of this trace." The ST segment was back to normal but Tony remained tachycardic and PVCs continued with worrying regularity.

“Believe it or not this isn't far from his baseline. We are due some medication. Here, have a look at Tony's drug chart.” Nicola handed Sam the paperwork before sitting down next to Tony.

" You did really well today. Do you want to go back to your workshop now? '

" Will Bruce sleep here again tonight?" Tony enquired.

" Probably. His electrolytes have gone a bit out of whack so he will need repeated blood tests." Nicola explained.

" How about I keep him company? Get used to the place a bit more. Can you explain to Sam about Jarvis? I have muted him, but I really need him back."

“Sure thing.”

Nicola was presently surprised. Tony made a ton of progress in one day. There was still a lot of work to be done but Nicola was fairly confident that Tony was ready for Dr Wu to come over and do the echo. They agreed that the less risky and invasive tests can be done at the Tower minimizing the number of trips to the hospital. 

&

 Nicola took Sam on a tour of the tower. He was initially reluctant to leave his patients in a deserted facility, but Nicola reassured him. "They will be fine. Bruce isa much better doctor than he lets on. He can take care of Tony and he understands his own condition better than anyone else." 

“They are really close." Sam remarked. 

“They are." Nicola went quiet for a second. "Look, there's something you need to know about Bruce. There may be a time when he insists on leaving. No matter how distressed or sick he seems, you must let him go. There is a protocol in place to keep everyone safe.

“It is the containment protocol.” Sam nodded.  It was the first thing that Sam read in Bruce's file. It was a permanent alert.

“Also, his physiology isn't exactly like you would expect. ◦ Do not ever try to sedate him until you fully grasp that. You will piss off the other guy. If you see Bruce injecting himself with massive amounts of benzodiazepines, don't be alarmed. He knows what he is doing. Just follow the containment protocol and don't get in the way."

“He isn't going randomly to turn into Hulk, is he? " The reality of what he had signed up for was starting to hit Sam hard.

"He may. That's why you need to know those protocols. Hulk is unlikely to pose a threat to me, Tony or any other Avenger. He is used to us. He doesn't usually go after civilians unless provoked. You still have your military vibe about you, so I need you to be really careful and preferably keep your distance

“Hulk doesn't like military personnel noted. Does it make a difference that I am a doctor?" Sam swallowed hard.

“Not to Hulk. It does to Banner, and I think that's enough to protect you, but don't necessarily want to put this theory to the test.” Nicola explained. “We will stop over briefly at the main offices of Stark Industries. Want you to meet Ms Potts. After that, I will show you the leisure facilities and your quarters."

"My quarters? "Sam was momentarily confused.

"This job is a full-time gig. Trust me, you are better off making yourself at home.”

&

When they finally returned to the sick bay, they found Bruce soundly asleep, and Tony sat on the floor next to his gurney, dismantling the cardiac monitor.

"Tony, what are you up to? " Nicola asked lightly, as if she had just caught a toddler with his hand inside a cookie jar.

"I think you will find that everything at the tower is my property, so I can do with it as I please," Tony said defensively, crossing his arms. . .

“Actually, it's Shield's property. A small medical contingent set up this facility, and they brought all the field hospital stuff with them. They like the familiarity of their own equipment". Nicola corrected. 

“Oh..." Tony appraised the damage. "I can put it back together.

“It's OK. I'm just curious what you are doing with it. You are more than capable of silencing the dam thing without pulling it apart.” Nicola sat on the floor next to Tony whilst Sam kept his distance. 

“ I don't bite, you know." Tony remarked in Sam’s direction, motioning for him to come closer. “ I have connected this monitor to the arch reactor via Jarvis. Can you see this chip right here I have re-wired it to the … I guess it doesn't matter. You two are more interested in the squishy parts." Tony waved his hand dismissively. 

“Please continue I am intrigued as to how you adapted the hardware." Sam, like most anaesthetists, had a real interest in the inner workings of the complex medical equipment he worked with every day.

“Before the two of you start bonding over the technical details, can I have a potted summary of why? Nicola noticed the glint in Tony’s eye and knew that he was about to embark on a very long monologue.

“The wires need to go." Tony stated matter of factly.

"OK… And what happened to the defibrillator? Are you improving it as well? " Nicola pointed towards the crash cart.

“No, I just cannibalized it for parts. There are two other ones in here if need be." Tony swallowed hard at the thought of it being used on him. 

"Are you OK if I live you with Sam? You two can get to know each other." 

“Where are you going?" Nicola could see that Tony was still very anxious, even if he was putting his best foot forward. 

There are a few phone calls I need to make, and then I wouldn't mind catching up on some sleep. Pepper is going to come after work. You can have dinner with her again."  Tony nodded but didn’t say anything.

Dr Taylor, can I have a word in private? " Sam enquired.

 " Of course" They moved to the adjacent room.

 "What is it?”

,, Are you sure it's a good idea? What if something happens?"

 " Just call for help. Janis is constantly listening, and he will alert me."

“Is Tony alright?

“He is absolutely petrified. Tinkering is one of his less maladaptive coping mechanisms.

“Do I dare to ask?  Anything I need to be particularly aware of?" 

“There is not much scope in here for drink, drugs or reckless sex. If he runs off to his workshop, let him be. If he runs off and Jarvis can't tell you where he is, let me know immediately."

 " What about Bruce? "

 " He is fine. Just treat him like any other AKI patient with deranged electrolytes. Give me a call if you notice any green tinge to him." Sam shot Nicola a worried look. 

She laughed and tapped him on the shoulder reassuringly. “You will be fine."

&

Tony woke up startled. He was momentarily confused as to where he was but Jarvis was on hand to help him get his bearings. 

" Sir. It is 3. 09 am. The temperature outside is 18 degrees Celsius. You are currently in the medical bay at Stark Tower. Everything is as it should be." 

Tony wasn't convinced about the last statement. He could not quite make sense of the rapid beeping of the cardiac monitor, which wasn't matching his heartbeat. Maybe Nicola was right to be sceptical about him tinkering with medical equipment. Tony looked around and was suddenly stung with worry. Bruce was sat up in bed with oxygen mask on his face. The rapid beeping Tony could hear what eminating from Bruce's monitor. The heart rate on display was three times what was normal for Bruce. Sam was tending to him, looking worried. Tony was just about able to make the dialogue from the far end of the room. 

“Do you think it may be time to consider the containment protocol?" Sam enquired tentatively.

“Let me worry about that! You concentrate on treating the SVT." Bruce snapped. He looked up at Sam's tense face and added a move softly. "Look, the other guy is triggered by my emotions. The heart rate is just a proxy for that. He knows that I am sick and is staying way out of the way." It suddenly dawned on Bruce that he could sense Hulk's concern and that they could access each other's thoughts particularly clearly. 

"I will keep trying with the Valsalva manoeuvres whilst you run the potassium drip through, but it is getting a bit much. You may just have to zap me. Don't bother with sedation. It's not going to work.'

That was when Tony snapped. He could not possibly watch it or listen to it any second longer. "Jarvis, mute!" He muttered under his breath before scrambling of the gurney and out of the medical bay. Bruce was to  focused on his own chest pain to realise that Tony was awake and Sam's attention was fully on Bruce.

“Ok. Before it comes to that, let's try something different." Sam momentarily left Bruce's side and returned with a large bowl filled with water and ice cubes. 

“Diving reflex?" Bruce swallowed hard. He knew it was a sound idea, but the prospect was still a bit daunting. 

“Trust me." Sam gently pushed Bruce's face into the water. There was an immediate change in his ECG.

“There we go. Back to sinus.” Sam explained triumphantly. 

“Thanks. Just remember, never do this to Tony. Water on his face is a massive trigger.” Bruce finally looked towards Tony's gurney to reassure himself that the engineer was still sleeping soundly." 

"Where the hell is Tony?” Bruce was suddenly alarmed. “Jarvis?! Jarvis! Oh Shit!”

Sam was momentarily on the phone, remembering Nicola's earlier instructions. “Dr Taylor?! I lost Tony, and Jarvis is gone, and Bruce is having an arrhythmia and..."

“And you need to calm down,” Nicola remarked in a matter-of-fact way. “Look Sam, you are just the guy for the job. If you can run a field hospital under enemy fire you can handle a bit of a huha from two patients. Avengers or not.”

 Nicola could hear Sam take a breath. 

“Put Bruce on the phone, please.”  Sam passed the handset to Bruce, who was doing his own breathing exercises. He didn't want his heart rhythm to deteriorate again. 

“Hey, what's going on there? I leave you guys for 5 minutes, and hell immediately breaks loose.” Nicola was worried but kept her tone light-hearted. While talking, she tried texting Jarvis and was relieved to get a response. 

“Tony has gone missing... " Bruce began his explanation. 

“He is in the lab. I'm going to check on him now. Nicola interjected. “What's going on with you?" 

I had a bad dream. My heart rate spiked. With the low potassium things went a bit highwire. SVT." 

“Are you alright now ?" 

" Yeah. Sam has it all in hand" Bruce looked up and smiled at Sam who was busing himself running another blood sample to check if his potassium levels normalized. 

" Wonderful. A bit of a baptism of fire, but he is definitely the right guy for the job."

&

When Nicola arrived at the workshop, she half expected it to be out of bounds, but the door unlocked to her immediately. She could not quite make up where Tony was and she didn't want to startle him. 

“Sir is at his workstation." Jarvis helpfully supplied.

Nicola frowned as the area appeared empty. “Tony, it's Nicola. Are you alright?" She inquired softly.

“I don't think so…”  Nicola heard a quiet reply coming from under the desk.

 “Can I come closer?"

"Yeah…" 

Nicola sat on the floor next to the desk. "Jarvis, vitals?" She looked at the holographic projection. Things were a bit unstable but not particularly critical.

“How is Bruce?" Tony whispered quietly. His head was full of negative ideas. He could not stop thinking that it was all his fault. If he hadn't upset Bruce, he would not be lying in the medical bay right now getting electrocuted without anaesthesia. “You need to help him. It's his heart. He told Sam to. He told him to zap him. He said.. Oh God! " Tony flinched and his hand went up to his chest. Nicola half expected Tony to have been shocked by the ICD, but the ECG trace was still fairly normal. She realised that the pain was psychosomatic. 

“He is OK. Everything is under control. I have just spoken to him." Nicola reassured.

 " I should have called for help. I should have done something. I am so useless. A disgusting excuse for a person."

“Tony, you have done the best you could. You have done great. You have kept yourself safe." Nicola was thanking their lucky stars because this could have ended up much worse.

“I couldn't stay. I really couldn’t. I was so scared that I would have another episode. "Tony motioned to his chest, struggling to explain verbally. I didn't want to leave Bruce but I had to. I am such a coward.” Tony was talking in the familiar pressured Tone, indicating that he was getting really agitated. 

“Tony. Just think about it for a second. What good would it have made if you collapsed up there? You have recognized that you were becoming overwhelmed, and you took yourself to safety.

“The workshop is my containment area," Tony whispered. “My safe space." There was suddenly a flash of realization on Tony's face. "I tried. I tried so many different images, but nothing worked. I never thought about the lab.

"It is an obvious choice, isn't it? We will work on it together. I will help you create a safe space before your first hospital visit."

"I need it in my head before we leave the tower.” Tony reflected.

“It will help. Trust me. " Nicola smiled encouragingly.  "Now, do you want to go straight upstairs to Pepper or check on Bruce first?"

“Can we call Bruce, so I don’t have to go back medical bay? I don’t feel ready."

"Of course we can.” Nicola was really proud of Tony for finally being able to verbalise what he felt and needed at the moment. 

Chapter Text

By the time Wednesday came, the day of the scheduled appointment with Dr Wu, they had collectively made good progress. Bruce was fully recovered physically and re-engaged in therapy with Dr Sullivan. Hulk made no outward appearances, but Bruce felt a growing sense of connection between them, which intrigued and scared him in equal measures. Tony was constantly complaining to anyone who would listen about Nicola and her voodoo tricks but was simultaneously 100% engaged with the EMDR process. Sam was starting to feel comfortable at the tower. He met other Avengers and particularly enjoyed spending time with Steve and Thor exchanging tales of active duty. The plan for the day was that Sam and Bruce would support Tony through his Echo, and Nicola would take over to provide aftercare, including the night shift if need be. They were all hoping for the best but preparing for the worst as Tony was still extremely apprehensive and wired.

“Are you sure you don't want me to give you a sedative, Tony?” Sam asked for a millionth time whilst Dr Wu went about setting his equipment. 

“I'm fine." Tony quipped. 

Sam exchanged a look with Bruce but didn't argue. He made sure that Tony was as comfortable as possible. He put IV access in just in case but did not connect it to the drip. An oxygen mask was within Tony’s easy reach, and everyone around him was sitting down. Jarvis was playing ACDC through the med bay intercom system, which Tony found grounding. 

“Right, Mr. Stark. We are ready to get started. What I need you to do now is expose your chest and turn on your left side.

“Just like we practised." Bruce was there to reassure and provide a familiar face.

“Tony didn't say anything, but he did comply. He was connected to the wireless monitors, and aside from helping with Thony’s phobia, it provided him with more freedom of movement. Sam could not help but wonder why they routinely insisted on tethering patients to the equipment so much when alternatives could clearly be developed. 

“I'm going to apply some of this to your skin and the ultrasound probe now. It will feel cold. Are you happy for me to proceed?” Dr Wu checked in with Tony regularly to make sure that he had permission to continue. 

“OK." Tony stated weekly.

“It will take about half an hour. There are quite a few measurements I need to do. If you need me to stop at any point let me know."

Dr Wu started to examine Tony's heart. He continued to explain what he was doing but didn't go into details about what he was seeing or what it all meant. They had agreed in advance that Sam and Bruce would confer with Dr Wu after the examination was over, and Bunce would explain the findings to Tony when he was calm and ready to receive that information.

“Right, we are almost done. I'm just going to have a quick look at your aorta.” With the ultrasound probe continuing to move down alongside his abdomen Tony suddenly felt scared and uncomfortable. Another memory has been dislodged.  Tony wanted to tell Wu to stop but he couldn’t get a ward out. He couldn’t move his hand to indicate pain. He was completely frozen. Dr Wu picked up on the rapid increase in Tony's heart rate and stopped the examination immediately. “We are done here. “

“Tony, you are OK. Just take some deep breaths for me.”  Bruce began coaching Tony, as he did not seem to be starting any of his usual breathing exercises under his own steam.

“I can't... “ Tony felt as if his lungs seized. He could not get a breath in. It seemed as if all air has been suddenly sucked out of the room.

“Here. This will help you. The oxygen will help you breathe.” Sam put the mask over Tony’s face and secured it in place.  

Dr Wu continued to watch the monitor. He recognized the familiar pattern from ECG recordings that Bruce shared with him. Tony's heart was throwing increasingly frequent PVCs and the rhythm switched to VT. Wu was expecting this to be corrected, by the device in Tony's chest, but no shock was delivered. Tony was tolerating the abnormal rhythm remarkably well and was still fully conscious.

“Tony, have you got pain in your chest? An angina-type pain? You really need to tell me.” Wilson enquired, looking at the ECG tracing, increasingly worried. 

Tony shook his head but then decided that he might as well be honest.  “A little... No, make that a lot… My chest feels tight…. Really tight." Tony gasped. 

Tony was desperately trying to calm himself and bring his heart rate down, but he wasn’t getting anywhere fast. He closed his eyes and tried to bring an image of his safe space but the sharp pain in his chest was immediately bringing him back to the reality of the medical bay. He could hear all the doctors in the room talking to each other.

“Dr Wilson, can you ...

“Already on it….”

Despite feeling increasingly confused and out of it Tony clocked that Dr Wu was now tearing open the packet of external defibrillator pads and getting ready to shock him. Tony opened his eyes and looked at Bruce with pleading eyes. 

“No! No, please… no…

“Tony, listen to me. Your blood pressure is tanking, and this rhythm is deteriorating. You can't sustain it for much longer. It's dangerous. We have waited long enough.” Bruce was trying to explain.

“I'm going to give you something... " Just as Wilson approached with premedication Tony suddenly sat bolt upright, leaned over the railings of the gurney and vomited his morning smoothie all over Wilson's shoes before collapsing.  

“Fuck!” Sam moved to pull the bag and mask from the wall to take over Tony's breathing. “Bruce make sure his airway is clear.”

Dr Wu watched the monitor as the increasingly disorganized pattern of VT changed to VF. This was immediately followed by a shock from Tony's reactor.

“Woah have you seen that? Wilson turned to Wu in disbelief. Surely that cannot be right, the energy… 

“Focus. Do you have a pulse? Wu admonished him sternly. 

“Yes, strong carotid and spontaneous respiration.” Sam breathed a sigh of relief. 

Can you look after him here? I would normally insist on immediate transfer to coronary intensive care, but from what I understand about Tony, he will be better off here.” Dr Wu continued to closely watch the cardiac monitor and set up to run a 12 lead ECG to gather more information on the state of Tony’s heart in the aftermath.  

“Morphine, slug of midazolam and cautiously titrated clonidine drip? Sam had a fairly good idea of how cardiac surgeons liked to run things. They wanted their patients calm and Tony was nothing but.

“Sounds good, just watch his blood pressure. Try to keep him resting as much as possible.” Dr Wu was now scrutinizing the ECG printout. He was smiling a little, which both Bruce and Sam took to be a very positive sign.

“What about the ICD? That shock was insane.” Sam realized from the cardiac monitor read out that the energy delivered by the reactor to shock Tony’s heart was not what he expected.

“I have a fairly good idea of the problem. The good news is that the most pressing issue seems to be mechanical and relating to the pacemaker device and not Tony's heart. We will still need to conduct the full battery of tests, but I am optimistic that we can have a minimally invasive fix that will at least buy him more time.” Dr Wu explained. “Dr Wilson, I need you to put Mr stark to sleep for the rest of the tests. No sedation, full general anaesthetic. I can't have him react like this when I have catheters inside his heart. I don't anticipate a problem with GA. His ejection fraction is actually excellent, and his heart is structurally sound. All the valves are absolutely fine. There isn't much hypertrophy and his heart can cope hemodynamically extremely well with increased demand. There is some scarring, particularly around the atrial septum and crista terminalis. I suspect that is where a lot of problems originate from." 

“Is there any chance we could do the cardiac catheterization here?" Sam enquired.

" I would really rather not. There is a small risk of complications that would make it necessary for me to crack his chest open there and then so I need a fully functioning operating theatre on standby.'

" OK. That's fair. Will need a bit more time to prepare Tony. We will need to visit the hospital I think."

" Why don't you put him to sleep here and bring him back here for recovery? You have taken anesthetized patients half across the world before. A trip to the Presbyterian is a small venture in comparison." Bruce interjected. Whilst Sam purposefully avoided discussing his military exploits in front of Bruce, he did overhear some stories of heroic air evacuation efforts. 

“Now that's an idea. I will pitch it to Tony and get back to you Dr Wu."

 " My schedule is clear.” Chinese doctor nodded in agreement. 

Tony came round slowly. He was feeling confused. When he opened his eyes and saw Bruce sitting next to him in a chair. Tony was trying to remember how he ended up is a medical bay but he couldn't. He could conjure an image of having a light breakfast but after that there was just a black hole. Tony furrowed his brow and tried to reach to take the oxygen mask of his face. 

“Hey, try to keep the oxygen on if you can." There was another voice coming from his left.  Tony realised that Sam was there as well. He turned to face him and the whole room shifted. Tony felt warm, fuzzy and lightheaded. He recognized this feeling well.

" I told you... I said that if I need morphine will ask for it." Tony snapped annoyed.

“Tony…” Sam was constantly shifting his gaze between Tony's face and the cardiac monitor and weighing up the need to explain the current situation against implications of stressing Tony too much.

“You were in no position to ask for anything." Bunce clearly didn't worry quite so much about Tony's sensitivities because he proceeded to explain bluntly. “You had a VF arrest.”

“Oh…" Tony let that new piece of information sink in before inquiring anxiously. “Jarvis ? How is the heart? How is... How is the brain?”

"Please, Sir. Try not to be alarmed. "Bruce wondered if it was possible for the AI to intentionally scold him for alarming Tony. He let Jarvis continue the explanation. "The episode of VF was successfully terminated within seconds and there is absolutely no reason to anticipate any long term neurological damage. " Tony was relieved at this information but he wasn't fully convinced.

“I, I feel... Something is wrong. I can't remember. That's midazolam. I had that before. But there is something else. My heart is so slow. It is never so slow then I am... I am here... I am freaking out, but it is so slow. There is something wrong. Bruce is it the reactor. Have you checked the reactor? "

“Tony, there is nothing wrong with the reactor. I checked. Jarvis checked. Everything is working as it should." Bruce explained.

“What is it then?" Tony now looked at Sam questioningly. 

“Does it make you feel unwell? Dizzy? Short of breath? Any unusual chest pain? " Sam enquired and watched Tony shake his head and then bring his hand with the drip attached close to his face. Despite still being drugged to his eyeballs Tony's brain was churning and making connections. 

“New medication?" Tony concluded looking questionably at Sam. 

“Clonidine drip. It's just I  for  now. I need to give your heart a chance to recover. It reduces the sympathetic drive so whatever happens in your head has less impact on your heart." 

“Like a beta blocker but better." Tony remarked.

“That's right. Same principles different receptors." 

“Alfa receptors." Tony muttered and allowed his eyes to close again.

&

When Tony resurfaced the second time he still felt woozy. He could hear Pepper talking to him quietly but could not quite make the wards. She was stroking his head and face and he leaned into her touch. Bruce was still there explaining something Pepper. Tony wondered it Pepper really needed to know that his heart stopped but then remembered that they agreed no more secrets. Tony really wanted to reassure Pepper that he was fine 6 all he managed to do was to open his eyes briefly and smile before falling back to sleep.

When he finally woke up properly it was dark. Pepper and Bruce were gone. Nicola was sitting next to his bed with feet resting on the bedside cabinet. She was looking on her mobile phone but clearly paying attention because she put it down straight away when she heard him stir.. 

" Hey, Tony. Are you ok?"

" I don't know. Am I?"

“From where I am sitting you seem alright. All things considered. Do you want to sit up and try to drink some water?" Nicola adjusted his gurney and passed him a straw” 

"Did I get triggered? "

"We think so. You were clearly panicked but it wasn't obvious what set you off".

Tony tried to cast his mind back. The black hole was gone. He could remember again. He wished he didn’t. “His hand. Dr Wu. His hand sliding down my abdomen. It reminded me.. It reminded me of the abuse." Tony felt strange. He felt distressed but his body wasn't responding. The growing sense of disconnect made him uneasy. “I'm freaking out right now but my body doesn't seem to realise what is going on up here.” Tony brought a hand to his temple. “It feels wrong. Can you take this drip down. 

“Sam wants to keep the clonidine running until tomorrow at least. Give your heart a chance to recover."

“How is my heart? What did Dr Wu say?" 

“In a nutshell it's good news. Plumbing is sound. It's very good in fact. Your ejection fraction is excellent." 

“Excellent for a heart failure patient?"

 "Excellent full stop. 65% Nicola handed Tony an iPad so that he could see the results for himself.

“Hmm. The problem must be with electrics then." 

“Yes, Bruce will explain it to you properly tomorrow. The headline news is that there is quite a lot of scarring that creates abnormal electrical pathways."

“I really need the electrophysiological study, don't I". Tony really wasn’t looking forward to catheters being threaded into his veins to reach his heart and to repeated electric shocks aimed at purposefully inducing abnormal rhythms. It was, in fact, his idea of a worst nightmare. 

"Yes and a few other things. It's going to be a fiddly job, so Sam is going to put you under a GA. Dr Wu is worried about you moving during the procedure." 

“Or having another cardiac arrest-inducing freakout." 

“Well, there is that as well." Tony’s heartbeat was forced to remain slow by the medication, but Nicola could see from the tension in his face and rapid eye movements that Tony was panicking again.

“How about I give you something to help you go back to sleep for now?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

Chapter Text

“Dr Taylor, I am very sorry to disturb you." Nicola had just gotten into bed when Jarvis woke her up.

“Ugh, what is it? I am not on call. I am not on call for the shelter. I am not on call for the Presbyterian. I am not on duty in the bloody med bay. Sam is down there. This better be something urgent." 

" Dr Wilson and Sir are having an argument..." 

“For goodness’s sake, Jarvis, they are grown men. Just leave them to it!" 

" I am detecting extremely high levels of stress in them both. My protocol says..." 

“Right. Ok. I'm sorry Jarvis. I am just a bit sleep-deprived, that is all."

“I'm detecting high stress levels in you as well, Dr Taylor." 

“Are you keeping an eye on everyone's vitals in this building simultaneously?" 

“Yes, that's the protocol. " 

" OK. Right. I'm up. I better see what's what before Bruce joins the party. He should be heading to the med bay soon as well to relieve Sam.

&

“When Nicola arrived on the 3^rd floor she could hear the raised voices from the distance. It was a good job that they still had an exclusive use of the facility, or it would have been quite a spectacle for staff and other patients. From what Nicola could make out of the conversation so far Tony and Sam were arguing over the clonidine drip. 

"Hey. Are you guys alright?" she enquired cautiously and found herself ignored. 

“I told you. I don't like it. It makes me feel like I don't have control over my body.” Tony shouted and waved his arms around.

" If you are so bothered about the drip, how are you going to feel about me paralyzing you and taking over your breathing, eh? Or the bypass machine?" Sam shouted back.

“Nicola was taken aback by what she was hearing and a bit lost for words. Jarvis was right to call her. She expected Tony to be losing it but it seemed like Sam was joining in.

" All I am trying to do is find a way to ensure that you don't have a massive stroke on the table. "Sam growled.

Now that's a low blow, Nicola thought. She watched Tony's cardiac monitor in dismay. Despite the clonidine drip still running, his heart rate picked up significantly, and familiar PVCs appeared. The surge of adrenaline capable of causing that must have been huge. It was not a surprise though. There were few things that Tony feared more than loosing his faculties. Tony looked at Sam in a shark-like fashion, and a brutal daredevil grin spread across his face. 

“If that ever happens you will just need to make sure that I die. Just like that". Tony snapped his fingers to emphasise the point. Nicola wasn't sure if it was the finger snap or the alarm of Tony's monitor, but a new reaction was triggered in Sam. The tension left his body and he flopped into a chair next to Tony's gurney like a deflated balloon. 

“Fancy asking me that, man. As if I ever could willingly make that happen." Sam was no longer shouting. 

Nicola decided that this was the right time to step in. “That's enough. Time out. I have just about reached my limits. Sam, you are going to take a walk with me. Jarvis can hold the forth in here until Bruce arrives." Nicola shifted her gaze to Tony. "And you better leave that bloody drip running as it is. " Tony locked his eyes with Nicola and his facial expression was full of defiance. “You want to battle me for control? Be my guest. What is going to happen is that I will inject your sorry ass with chlordiazepoxide, at this will be the end of it!  Nicola motioned towards the monitor, hoping that Tony's logical brain would respond to some concrete data. She knew that was a much better strategy than threatening him into submission. She took in a deep breath and continued a bit more softly. “This is really not the time for you to start throwing your toys out of the pram, Tony." 

"Ok." Tony lay back down and put the oxygen mask over his face. His breathing was rapid, like he had just run a marathon, and his heartbeat felt weird. It was still unnaturally slow, but the familiar uncomfortable flip-flopping sensation of multiple PCs returned.

 "Right, thank you." Nicola turned her attention back to Sam. "Come on. Let's go. I need to speak with you.

Tony watched them leave and waited until the door closed. "Jarvis?" "

 “Yes, Sir."

 "How is the heart?" " Your vitals are within safe parameters, but Dr Taylor is right. It is imperative that you let the clonidine infusion run. To stop it abruptly right now would be very painful and dangerous.

" Painful..." Tony realized that Sam was just trying to do his job. His objective was not only to keep him alive but also pain-free as much as possible. That's what the job of an anaesthetist was all about. 

“I wasn't looking for a fight. I am just... I'm really scared…. 

"Maybe this is something you should discuss with Dr Wilson. I believe that he wasn't looking for a fight either.” Jarvis suggested. 

Chapter Text

Nicola had a long chat with Sam and her initial irritation quickly melted. They were all fighting personal demons and sometimes even the sturdiest walls of professionalism weren’t enough to hold them at bay. Sam was really shaken by what happened and rapidly oscillating between the need to put things right and an overwhelming desire to quit on the spot. In the end Nicola gave him a sedative and send him off to bed. He was in no fit state to care for anyone other them himself or to make any important decisions. She was about to finally retire to her room when Bruce approached her.

“Hey, are you alright? Tony told me what happened.” He looked her up and down with that expression on his face that suggested that he is wondering if she is about to loose it or has already lost it.

“I’m tired… Tired and angry is not a good combination for me.” Nicola admitted wearily. 

“Remember that poem you used to recite? The one about slowing down?” Bruce wasn't sure if Nicola intended it to be another lullaby for the Hulk or if it was something for her to calm her down. "It only takes a reminder to breathe, a moment to be still, and just like that, something in me settles, softens..." Bruce slowly recited. "The harsh voice of judgement drops to a whisper, and I remember again that life isn’t a race..." 

"How do you..." Nicola was certain that she never shared that with Bruce. That was a private mantra. Something that she would never expect Hulk to be able to recall. 

"The other guy. He is worried about you and thinks it will calm you down. He mainly remembered a feeling and snippets of words, but with that, Jarvis was able to find the whole poem for me."

"Thank you..." Nicola released a long exhale. She was already calming down.

"Something is changing you know. We can communicate. Sometimes, sometimes it feels like we are one..." Bruce looked away, suddenly, uncomfortable. "Why don’t I take you through a couple of asanas to help you wind down properly before you try to catch some sleep? Meet me at the studio in five?” 

“What about Tony?” Nicola asked.

“He is sleeping. He has really worn himself out. Also, he is worried that you and Sam are going to sack him as a patient. I promised him that I would touch base and let you both know that he was sorry.” 

&

Nicola slept really well after and woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed. It’s amazing what eight hours of solid sleep can do. She decided that she should take more time to herself, though, and quickly made arrangements for her night duty to be covered. She knew that Tony was expecting her on the night shift, so she decided to make her way to the medical bay to speak with him. He was clearly waiting for her to come. Nicola knew that he found it difficult to tolerate conflict and unresolved tensions.  

“I have been on my best behaviour, just ask Bruce.” Tony smiled sheepishly and waved his left arm with the clonidine drip still attached.

Nicola sat next to his gurney, and he pushed a pot of jelly towards her. “I have kept you some. I don’t understand why you like this stuff but here you go.” Tony was trying to make amendments in his own way.

“With the long hours on call we develop a taste for hospital food. “Nicola smiled momentarily but then her face was serious gain. “Look I am sorry about what I said. I should have never threatened you with an injection of medication. It has been very…” Nicola began to apologize.

“I knew that you didn’t mean it.” Tony interrupted her. “Otherwise, you would have threatened me with midazolam.”

Nicola opened her mouth to protest but then realized that Tony actually did have a point. “That’s a fair observation.”

“We have never got to that point but if you do ever think that I need some injectables just go ahead. No hard feelings. I trust you to make the right choice for me. It’s like this…” Tony waved his hand towards the drip stand. “I got into the fight with Sam over it because I really didn’t want it. I still don’t. I can now see why I needed it. Going a whole day without any angina has been nice. Sort of peaceful. I know that I need to stop and rest and let people help me, but it is hard.”

“In the spirit of us all being honest and vulnerable with each other, there is something Sam wants me to explain to you.”

“Is he quitting?” Tony enquired anxiously.  

“No. He is not a quitter type.”

What is it then?

“Something has happened during one of the missions on his final tour. His best friend was blown up by IED. Sam was there and gave first aid.” Nicola paused and watched Tony’s face for signs of distress. They have focused so far in their therapy sessions on the kidnapping and surgery, but there was also the small issue of Tony’s ordeal in Afghanistan, starting with an explosion and life-threatening injuries. 

“I'm ok. You can carry on. I'm thinking about the workshop. I think it's helping.” Tony was taking slow deliberate breaths and feeling suddenly even more grateful for the clonidine drip.

“So, essentially there wasn't much aid to give other than pain management. The injuries were unsurvivable, and Sam knew that. He has administered morphine and ketamine very liberally…” Nicola’s voice caught in her throat a little. What she was talking about was difficult for any doctor to consider. 

“I get your drift.” Tony understood instantly what she meant. “Shit when I said… I had no idea… I’m so bloody selfish…”

“No. You aren’t selfish. You were both caught in your own traumas in that moment and things got a bit out of hand.”

“I think that’s the first time I have ever seen you angry. I’m sorry that I have pushed your buttons.”

“It was actually Sam that did the pushing more then you.”

“You know that you have an awful lot in common with Bruce? That guy is always angry, but it never shows.”

“Who do you think taught him how to do that?” Nicola laughed. 

“Is Sam OK?”

“Yeah. He will be fine. Sam is more than happy to talk to you about the ceiling of treatment. In what circumstances do you want heroics, and when should we revert to comfort measures alone? Just try not to ambush him with it like that. Having a fistfight over your treatment plan won't do anyone any good.

“Understood.” Tony nodded in agreement.  

Their conversation was interrupted by Natasha coming in. She was dressed comfortably and carried a blanket and a pile of magazines. 

“I need some R&R so I got our latest med bay recruit to keep you company.” Nicola smiled. 

"Evening Stark, how are you?" Natasha inquired cheerfully. 

“Just peachy.”

“We agreed familiar faces and tonight the choice is Nat or Steve.” Nicola explained.

“Good choice.” Tony stated in a resigned tone.

“I thought so.”  Nicola waved them both goodbye.

&

The next morning Sam arrived at the med bay with a fresh determination to prepare his patient for the upcoming tests. Dr Wu was happy with how Tony’s heart recovered from the episode of fibrillation. He was now waiting for a green light from Sam to proceed. Sam dumped a large pile of patient information leaflets and other educational materials determined to talk Tony through all aspects of cardiac anaesthesia in a hope of winning his trust and co-operation. 

“What’s that?” Tony enquired looking sceptical.

“Some information leaflets for heart patients. I think it will be useful if we go through this ahead of your scheduled angiogram and electrophysiological studies.” Sam explained. 

Tony took a sip of water. His mouth suddenly went dry just hearing the word angiogram was bad enough. Once he started flicking through the leaflets explaining the details of various procedures his anxiety rapidly started to increase. He managed to flick through a couple of pages of a particularly gripping pamphlet with an enticing title ‘Cardiopulmonary bypass- preparing for heart surgery’ when he knew that he has hit his limits. Tony closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply and evenly.

“Jarvis, talk to me… Talk me through something simple. Something I can do in my sleep. Safety checks on the suit, just take me through them.”

Sam was momentarily taken aback and could not make sense of what Tony was doing when it hit him. Tony was trying to access his safe space. Distract himself and create an image of the workshop in his mind to sooth his panic. In his eagerness to cover the practical details Sam has forgotten the main reason why Nicola asked him to take on this job. Tony was severely traumatized after his previous open-heart surgery. What Sam was doing was taking him right back there. That wasn’t going to work. “Tony, are you OK?” Sam enquired gently. 

‘I don’t have pain yet, but my chest feels weird, that’s… that’s how the angina starts.” Tony’s hand instinctively went to cover the arch reactor. 

Sam watched the PVCs dancing on the screen and took hold of Tony's wrist. “Take it easy. I'm just going to up your clonidine drip a tiny bit. Is that ok?” 

Tony nodded; his eyes still tightly closed. Sam waited a few minutes allowing Tony to carry on with his breathing exercises whilst Jarvis talked to him quietly about what might as well have been rocket science that Sam could not really understand. It was clearly working though as his heart rhythm settled down again.

“What's going on Tony?” Sam enquired gently whilst he picked up all the leaflets spread across Tony’s bedside table and set them aside. 

“I'm scared. I know that you mean well, and you need to prepare me and what not. When you start talking about bypass machines and ventilators it's too much. I don't even know if I want that. The open-heart surgery. I don't know if I can do it.” 

“Ok. Let's take it a one step at the time and just concentrate on the initial tests. What can I do to make you feel less nervous about what’s coming?”

“I don’t need to know more details about what will happen when I am under GA. I understand the principles of those tests, I know why they are needed. I understand the risks. I have signed the consent forms. What I want to know is what is going to happen when you put me to sleep and … and hopefully wake me up again.”

“OK. So, what we thought will be helpful is if I put you to sleep here. We will transfer you to the Presbyterian via medevac, it is literally a 5 minutes flight, and then bring you back for recovery. No unfamiliar surroundings, nurses, smells, hospital noises etc “

“Sounds good.” Tony nodded.

“I'm going to put you to sleep but you will be breathing on your own unless it gets too much for your body and I need to take over to keep you safe. If there are complications, you may wake up with a breathing tube but I will try my hardest to avoid that and it is unlikely. Can you tell me what worries you about being put on the ventilator? Is it the loss of control?”

“Yes… and the pain… each breath was an agony… it was never ending… “ Tony closed his eyes again and Sam could see that tears were starting to flow from his eyes. Despite all the EMDR reprocessing that Tony has done with Nicola those memories were still clearly very difficult for him to access.

“Tony, the reason why it was so painful was that your ribs were broken and sternum removed. Dr Yinsen had to get you breathing as soon as possible to prevent ventilator acquired pneumonia. That would have been a death sentence under the conditions you were forced to recover in. Just being helped to breathe by a ventilator doesn’t hurt.”

“Are you sure?” Tony was looking at him with wide eyes. “I’m sorry that’s a stupid question. Logically it makes sense but…”

“Why don’t I give you a better idea how it may feel.  This is a bag and mask device. I may use that to support your breathing when you are going off to sleep and waking up. The sensation is similar to having your breathing supported by a ventilator. Do you want to try and see if you can tolerate that?”

“OK…”

“I know that when you get really scarred sometimes you can’t tell people to stop or signal that there is a problem. We are only going to try this for a minute. That will be 10 breaths. After10  breaths I am going to stop. Now, I am just going to get you to lie down a little bit more flat. I am going to sit down behind you. You may find it difficult when I lean over you. That often triggers unpleasant memories in people who had bad experience of anaesthesia induction. 

“How does that sound?”

“Moderately terrifying. Having a trial run does help me prepare though. Let’s do it”

Sam repositioned Tony’s gurney and gently put the mask over his face. “Now, it may feel a little bit suffocating at first but there is 100% oxygen running through this breathing circuit. I am going to hold the mask tight against your face and you will feel yourself take a really deep breath.” After a minute Sam stopped like he promised.

“It didn’t hurt…” Tony remarked.

“Good. Let’s try it for a little bit longer.” Sam was supporting Tony’s breathing for about 5 minutes without major problems when Tony suddenly sat bolt upright and started coughing uncontrollably. 

“What the hell…” Tony was taken aback by the copious amounts of sputum he has brought up.

“Right, when was last time you have done your prescribed chest physio, Tony?” Sam enquired. He knew from Tony’s file that his lung capacity was significantly reduced, and he was prone to lower lobe collapse due to accumulation of sputum. He was supposed to manage that with regular exercise designed to help him cough more effectively. 

“That would be … never.” Tony thought that now was not the time to bullshit Sam about his levels of noncompliance.

“OK. We will do a bit more of this deep breathing later on today and I will introduce you to the great invention called  AffloVest. We need to shift some more of this gunk to optimise your lungs. For now, just cough the best you can whenever you feel the need.” 

“Wonderful…” Tony grumbled but he had to admit that his breathing suddenly felt much easier.

“Now, I have already explained that I will put you to sleep and keep you asleep with medication. I will put a fresh IV cannula on the day in your hand. When the medication gets injected, you may feel a little bit of discomfort. You will fall unconscious within a minute or so. I am going to help you with your breathing whilst you are falling asleep just like we have practiced. There are quite a few things that need to be done at once, so I am going to ask Bruce to help me. I am also going to have one of the Shield medical technicians with me. We use computer-controlled infusion pumps to deliver the medication. I will have Jarvis keep an eye on that side of things alongside me to give you additional assurance that you are not going to wake up in the middle of this procedure.”

“Thank you. It’s not that I don’t trust you to do your job… it’s just…”

“Look there is no need to explain. After the ordeal you have been through, I would not hold it against you if you never trusted another anaesthetist again. We are just going to try and figure the best way forward together.”

“What is going to happen after? When it’s time to wake up?”

“You may find this part more stressful. It is not uncommon for people to become a bit confused and disorientated. We will have to stop your clonidine drip for the tests that Dr Wu needs to perform. He needs to…”

“I know. Induce tachy arrhythmias. Let’s skip over this bit.” Tony winced.

“Sorry, yes so I will set up your clonidine drip up again after you are back in here to help you stay calm once you are coming round. I will again help you with your breathing until you are more awake. There will be oxygen mask over your face. Depending on what Dr Wu had done exactly you may need some pain relief. I am going to set you up with patient-controlled analgesia. If you feel like you need morphine you don’t need to ask, you just press a button.”

“Do you think I am going to need it?”

“Dr Wu is hoping that he may be able to fix some scarring related issue there and then. If he does you will probably wake up with some chest pain. We will put a pressure dressing over your groin where the catheter was inserted and that may feel a bit painful for a while. You will need to rest in bed to allow that puncture site to settle.”

“You should know that people messing around my groin is very likely to set me off big time. You have seen what happened when I had my echo. Just because his hand was heading in that direction.” Tony has again tensed up. 

“In that case I am going to keep you asleep until the pressure dressing is removed. We definitely don’t want you freaking out when you are at risk of bleeding from your femoral artery.“

“Yeay, blood bath averted” Tony giggled nervously, and Sam gave him a concerned look. “That has happened before, hasn’t it?”

“It’s not my first rodeo. When I returned from Afghanistan I had a ton of tests on my heart. Can we... can we not talk about it? You can get all the juicy details from my old charts.”

“Is there anything that you want to ask me about?”

“Yeah… well just in case things really don’t go to plan… I have sorted my will and everything… I have an advance directive… have you seen it?”

“Yes, I made sure there is a copy at the front and centre of your records. Staff at the Presbyterian will be briefed. 

“Do I … do I need to make any amendments?”

“Look Tony, you are right to get those things in place. For now, all we are doing is some semi routine tests and maybe a simple ablation procedure. It is extremely unlikely that we will need to concern ourselves with the contents of your advance directive in the aftermath.”

“Famous last words, Sam.” Tony was joking, and he had no idea how right he was going to prove himself to be. 

Chapter Text

Tony made himself at home in the medical facility of the Stark Tower, or at least he tried. They agreed that he needed his own space and moved him into one of the side rooms. The plan was to avoid any scary invasive procedures being undertaken there as much as possible. Tony put a massive printout of a picture of the workshop on the ceiling above the bed. He also cluttered the room with tech, bringing over some of his projects much to Pepper’s dismay. He didn’t really have the energy to work on anything, but he found it comforting to have some familiar things around him. Dummy seemed to be excited in the new surroundings but also confused as to why none of the medical equipment would interact with him. His cooing and beeping in an attempt to cosy to the infusion pump provided Tony with some distraction and light entertainment. 

Tony spent the night alone, having convinced Natasha that she could take a nap in the room next door. Jarvis was watching after him constantly anyway. His first human visitor of the day was Pepper.  Tony really wished that Pepper would for once recognize his feelings without him needing to use his words and give her an explicit explanation. He knew that he had been snappy and irritable all morning. He wasn’t proud of it, but with the surges of adrenaline going through his system since he woke up in the early hours from a horrendous nightmare featuring Yinsen, a bottle of chloroform and damp rags over his face, he could not stop himself. It was fight or flight, and today, it had to be a fight. All he wanted was for Pepper to comfort him and tell him that everything was going to be OK, with her usual naivety about medical things and associated risks, but instead, she has taken the bait to enter into an argument. 

“Tony, why can't you take this conversation seriously?" Pepper didn’t stop to think that it may not be a good time, considering that Tony was about to be put under the general anaesthetic and taken for a plethora of highly invasive procedures. As far as she was concerned, they were just doing some ‘tests’, which didn’t sound particularly worrisome to her.

"What's the incentive?" Tonny snapped back at her.

Pepper leaned back in her chair, exasperated. "Well, I guess I should just be glad that you're taking it so well."

"As well as I ever take tautological ultimatums. Let me see if I have this right. This relationship isn't enough of a relationship, is that what you are saying?" Tony knew that he should stop this conversation. Probably call for help. His clonidine drip was taken down last night. He was under strict orders to avoid any kind of exertion and this discussion was definitely putting a strain on his heart. 

"Would you call it a relationship?" Pepper folded her arms across her chest. She was completely oblivious to the subtle signs of discomfort in Tony’s face and even more so to the readings of all the monitors, which were now starting to flash red. 

"I'd call it a thing; that's what I'd be most likely to do if someone asked me, which no one has." Tony gasped. He was now sitting up and his hand reflexively flew to his chest, which should have been an indicator enough to Pepper that it was really a time to shut up but no such luck.

"Okay, well, in your mind, does this 'thing' include exclusivity, shared mutual goals, perhaps some idea of growing old together?"

"Growing old?” Tony snorted. “Has it ever crossed your mind that it’s not even going to be an option for me?” Tony was starting to feel dizzy. The anger that has risen in him has taken the edge of the fear, which was in a way a pleasant development, but one way or another his heart was still struggling with the surge of adrenaline. He felt a sense of relief when Nicola came to the room with a medication pot in hand. 

“Good morning, both. I’m sorry to interrupt, but it is time for your premedication, Tony.” If Nicola had heard any of the arguments, she had pretended she didn’t, and Tony was grateful for her light and breezy tone.

“Right, I will leave you two to it.” Pepper got up and remarked tightly.

“Oh, you don’t have to go yet, Pepper. Sam and Bruce are checking some equipment, and it will take at least half an hour for this sedative to work…”

Pepper waved her hand dismissively. “Good luck Tony.” Nicola looked after her with a confused expression as the door closed with a little bit more force than was necessary. She turned her attention to Tony, who was holding the medication pot in a shaky hand.

“I think I may need two of those.” He remarked looking at the lorazepam tablet. “I am not having a very good morning.”

“Right, OK. Take this for now, and I will speak with Sam. I will be right back.” Nicola gave the cardiac monitor another glance and pressed some buttons to get a little printout to take with her. She was back shortly with an injection. “It’s a bit more of the same stuff, it will work more quickly if I put it straight into your vein through the cannula. You may feel a little bit dizzy and sleepy when this goes in.”

“Sounds good. Just hit me with it.” There was almost a begging undertone in Tony’s voice.

The effect was almost instantaneous. The tightness in his chest was gone, he could breathe easily, and the 10/10 panic shrunk into a mild sense of unease. “This is some good stuff,” Tonny mumbled. 

“There is more where that came from.” Bruce remarked with a smile. “Come on Tony, we are all ready for you.” If Bruce was stressed or worried he wasn’t showing it. Tony couldn’t say that he felt exactly safe but as least he was with people who could trust to take care of him. He shuffled reluctantly over onto the gurney and allowed Bruce to take him to the makeshift anaesthetic room where Sam was waiting. 

“How are you feeling, Tony? Did that injection help a little?” Sam sat down next to Tony. He was taking his time. There was no need to rush.

“Yeah… I feel weird… but… but … it is good, weird… Nicola, take note…. This stuff is much better than that shitty… what was that… chlor… chlor…” Tony was starting to stumble on the longer words, and sedation was taking hold. 

“Duly noted.” Nicola smiled and squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I am going to leave you with Sam and Bruce. I will see you again when it is all over.”

“OK, Tony.  I am now going to put a fresh line in your hand. Just for the anaesthetic medication. We will be good to go in just a few minutes. Jarvis, can you talk Tony through the control protocol for the infusion pump?” Sam requested.

Tony concentrated on what Jarvis was telling him. He brought the equations in his minds eye and briefly marvelled as to how elegant the mathematical solution behind the set up was. Anaesthetists were probably the kind of doctors who had most in common with engineers. The next thing he knew Sam was asking him to take deep breaths and count backwards. He briefly felt a burning sensation spreading up his arm and then there was nothing.

&

When Nicola returned to the medical bay at lunchtime, having attended to her other duties, she found Bruce there waiting on tenterhooks. 

“They should be back by now. It is taking longer than expected.” Bruce was pacing the room, not back and forth, but in a random space-filling curve. He was constantly adjusting things and fiddling with equipment. His hands flying around him looking for something to fidget with. He was very anxious, that much was clear.

Nicola came over and gently get hold of his wrist pointing to the reading on the heart rate monitor Bruce was wearing. “Why don’t you go to the studio for a bit and try to centre yourself? You are not going to be much help to Sam if you don’t stay calm.” Before he could act on this sound advise the doors to the medical bay flung opened and Sam pushed a gurney through. 

“You are both here, great. I will need your help. Let’s transfer on three. Nice and steady, everyone. Mind the ET tube.” Tony was still under the anaesthetic and connected to a portable ventilator, which was breathing for him. 

“We have encountered some unexpected complications,” Sam stated in a matter of fact way but Nicola could see from his weariness that he must have been to hell and back in the past couple of hours.

“You don’t say.” Bruce took quick stock of the situation. “Maybe staying put at the Presbyterian would have been better?”

“We thought about it. The main risk for Tony at the moment is arrhythmia. He has become very unstable after the ablation. Wu hopes that this will settle in a couple of days but for now we need to try and keep Tony calm. We have a better chance of achieving that here.”

“What’s the score?” Bruce enquired in a mechanical tone. Nicola was watching him closely.

“On a positive note, the plumbing side of things is excellent. His angiography was pristine. Good job because if he had any degree of coronary artery disease on top of everything else going on he would most likely be dead by now. The electrics are a real mess. There are multiple focal points for arrhythmia. Wu is pretty certain that there is ongoing scarring from the shrapnel that is still embedded in, and this is slowly making the problem worse.” Sam explained.

What’s the deal with the drain? Bruce pointed to the thin tube sneaking out of Tony’s chest next to the reactor casing.

“Pericardial effusion. There was a little bit of bleeding after Wu has treated the main arrhythmogenic focus. That wasn’t even the biggest problem. Treatment triggered refractory VF. We were that close to cracking Tony’s chest open to start a heart massage. With this bloody reactor in the way we could not even do normal chest compressions.”

“How long?” Bruce was now deadly pale and Nicola wondered if she imagined a slight tinge of green or if it was real.

“Give or take 6 minutes”. I don’t think there will be any hypoxic damage but we will only know for sure when he wakes up. There is more…” Sam paused briefly whilst Bruce sat himself down in a chair next to Tony’s gurney. “Wu is reluctant to do any more ablations after what happened so that leaves a couple of re-entry routes that are likely to continue to trigger VT episodes. We have managed to adjust the pacemaker to stop it from delivering such a big shock so that will minimise the ongoing damage around the pacing electrodes but those will need to be moved sooner or later. We have managed to buy him time but ultimately, he needs an open-heart surgery. Even assuming that it all goes to plan and is successfully removed there is nothing that can be done about the existing damage. He will need a pacemaker with ICD capabilities and medication for the rest of his life.”

“What’s the prognosis?” Bruce wasn’t even sure if he should hear this right now but he had to know.

“Hard to tell. He will still be at risk of sudden cardiac death. This is life-changing stuff. I don’t think Tony fully accepts the seriousness of the situation. He is noncompliant with a lot of his prescribed treatments… Bruce, are you OK?” Sam suddenly remembered who he was talking to. The list of warning signs from the containment protocol flashed in his mind. He could see the pulse bounding in Bruce’s carotid artery at a rapidly increasing rate. Before he got a response, Nicola came over with a medication pot in hand.

“Bruce, listen to me. I know that you want to help and that you want to stay with Tony. If you are going to stop here, you need to do exactly as I tell you. Do you understand?” Bruce nodded. He was looking at the floor and trying to get his breathing under control. 

“I need you to take those. I am going to give you an injection as well and then you are going to lie down until this stuff takes effect.” Nicola handed him a medication pot with 5 lorazepam tablets. 

“Hulk is … He is really confused right now. He just wants to help.” Bruce’s facial expression was full of anguish.

“I know he does. This is what I am worried about. His helping is going to be really tricky to manage in here.” Nicola gave Bruce some water to help him take the tablets and then jabbed him in the thigh without much ceremony. “Come on now, just lie yourself on this gurney here. It will be alright.” 

Nicola turned her attention back to Tony and Sam. “Is there anything that needs to be done urgently?”

“Not really. Just some further recalibration of the pacemaker. We did not dare after that prolonged VF episode. We need to give his heart time to settle. It may be worth having Tony’s input on it actually as it is more to do with the reactor than anything else. It can wait a couple of days.”

“Are you going to wake him up?”

“Not today. I don’t think his heart can withstand the stress of him having any kind of a freak out and waking up with a drain in his chest is sure like hell going to trigger something. Depending on the output I may be able to get that out in the morning and we will reevaluate the situation then.”

“Right, you keep and eye on them both and I am going to give Pepper an update.” Nicola was surprised that she hasn’t heard from Pepper all morning. She thought that she may want more regular updates having declined the option of accompanying Tony to the hospital.

&

Nicola found Pepper in her office. It seemed like her and Tony had it in common to seek escape in work when things started to get difficult. Pepper was on the phone but quickly brought the conversation a close when she saw her.

“Is he awake?” Pepper asked Nicola curtly.

“Not yet… Would you mind if I sit down?” Pepper motioned to a chair across from her. “There have been some complications…” Nicola began to explain.

“Not again. What is it this time?” Pepper sounded more annoyed than worried.

“Dr Wu has undertaken a procedure to reduce the risk of abnormal heart rhythms reoccurring. Unfortunately, Tony did not tolerate that very well and his heart stopped for a period of time. They were able to get it going again but there was a period of time when his brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen. We will now more when he wakes up. Tony is still very unstable, and we will need to keep him asleep for a little why longer.” Nicola was looking at Pepper, watching for a reaction but so far Popper remained poker faced. 

“I can’t deal with this much longer. You must think me very selfish, but I am just not made for this kind of stuff. We aren’t married. We haven’t promised each other for better or for worse, in sickness or in health. This is not how I ever imagined this relationship to be. I have never signed up to be his nurse.”

“That must be very difficult...” Nicola was a bit shocked by where the conversation was heading but thankfully, she had a ready menu of professional stock phrases to fall upon.

“I need to take a break. He won’t be alone. Bruce can comfort him. It is easy for him.”

“Easy?” Nicola almost choked on that word.

“He is a doctor, and this kind of stuff comes naturally to him I suppose.” Pepper waved her hand again in that dismissive motion that Nicola was quickly growing to despise. 

Nicola’s mind has drifted to all those times when Bruce was taking it all on the chin. It was clearly so easy. Never mind the repeated trips to the yoga studio. The mental anguish. The toll this was taking on his physical health. It was all so easy, but she has just had to feed him a dose of sedatives that was sufficient to take down a horse. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that "It only takes a reminder to breathe, a moment to be still.”

“If you excuse me, Pepper, I am needed downstairs. I will keep you updated on any new developments.”

Chapter Text

The next morning Sam reduced the propofol and was pleased with the response. Tony started to trigger the ventilator more and more regularly trying to breathe by himself. There was no further output from Tony’s drain, and they were able to wave goodbye to it. Bruce was holding a vigil by the bedside in a friend capacity but was way too distressed by the situation to contribute anything to Tony’s medical care.

“Here, it’s time for your second dose. How are you holding up?” Nicola was worried about Bruce. It has been a long time since he needed to rely on regular doses of sedatives to manage. The uncertainty surrounding Tony’s condition has proven to be a massive trigger for him.

“I haven’t really slept. I had that nightmare again. Tony fell through the portal and landed on the ground in cardiac arrest. In my dream I don’t even understand that it’s his heart that's the problem. I just know something is wrong. I think… I think that this dream is Hulk’s. It is his memory of that day.” Bruce scrubbed his face with his hands. “I have called Sullivan last night. For once the time difference was in my favour…”

“Did he have any useful insights?”

“He said that I need to start dismantling the walls that I have build and let people closer if I am ever to have any chance of truly healing from my trauma. I tried and I don’t think this is working very well for me. How healing can possibly involve so much pain.” Bruce was sounding more and more despondent. 

“Keep this sentiment in mind next time you are giving Tony a pep talk to convince him to agree to another open-heart surgery.” Nicola smiled wearily. 

Bruce winced when the reality of the comparison hit him. “I’m not going to pull the same shit Pepper did, but I am really struggling with this situation.”

Nicola squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Look, none said that it will be easy. We have helped you through some tight spots in the past. You can get through it.”

“Do you think I should let you talk to Hulk? If we stop the sedation and go to the studio you can explain to him. Help him understand what’s going on.”

“You know that you don’t need to transform for me to be able to do that…”

“No! No, you are not… I am not going to let you do that again. Not now and not ever again!” Bruce snatched the medication out of Nicola’s hand and dry swallowed it. He then got up abruptly and left medical bay slamming the doors behind him.

“One step forward, two steps back…” Nicola muttered under her breath in a resigned tone. 

&

They had a brief celebration when Tony woke up without any major hiccups. There have been no obvious signs of any hypoxic brain damage. Unfortunately, since he came round from the anaesthesia he kept reporting not feeling right. Not that he was feeling great before but now things were really spiralling in a bad way. Tony has been a bundle of anxiety and on top of that something was happening with his mood. The slightest thing could set him off and leave him sobbing uncontrollably for hours. Tension building between him and Pepper definitely wasn’t helping things either. It was rare for Pepper to spend ay time in the medical bay with him and when she did come it often caused more problems than it solved. 

“I can't believe it. You don't have the energy to spend time with me or to have a normal conversation. You have completely lost interest in the company to the point that I can’t even get your signature on the most pressing purchase orders. But you always find time and energy for your toys and little silly side projects." Pepper found herself irritated almost as soon as she entered Tony's room. She had no patience left for his distractions.

Tony wanted to explain that the puzzle on his bedside table wasn't a toy. He was doing a cognitive test. He was desperate to know if there was lasting damage to his brain. He couldn’t think about anything else right now. The thought of losing his faculties was absolutely terrifying for him. He wanted to explain but he couldn’t. Instead, he kept working through one puzzle after the next, unable to stop himself.

“You know what. I will get the purchase orders sorted myself. And then I am going to meet the manufacturer in Millan. You carry on tinkering with that!” Pepper gestured angrily towards Tony’s bedside table and the assorted puzzle collection. 

Nicola has seen Pepper storm out of Tony's room within 10 minutes of arriving. It didn't bode well for the rest of her shift. She picked up a tray with evening medication and made her way to the side room.

"Tony, are you OK". Tony was crying over a pile of cognitive puzzles. Nicola wondered for a second where those came from, but it was irrelevant. 

"Something is wrong with my brain. I don't care what you, Sam, or Jarvis say! I used to be able to do those and now I can't.”

"It looks to me like you have managed pretty well so far." Nicola could see that Tony was slaying puzzles from the extension set designed to test people falling in the extremely high range of ability for visuospatial awareness and problem-solving skills. 

"I'm too slow. It's not normal. Something is wrong." Tony was hyperventilating and his hands were shaking as he struggled to put the next two pieces together.

"Tony look at me. Just breathe. Let's put those to one side." Nicola set the tray down and sat next to Tony. 

"No... I need to finish. I need to know!"

"If you really need to know I will formally test you. We will do the whole shebang, all cognitive domains. But not now. It hasn't even been 48 hours since you had a prolonged cardiac arrest. You are still high on morphine and flat on clonidine. You haven't slept and you are really distressed. This isn't going to optimize your performance."

"I have managed to build an arch reactor in a cave high on opium. A bit of sleep deprivation should not be getting in the way." Tony grumbled but did feel a little bit calmer. At least Nicola believed him enough that there was a problem to look for it. 

"Just humour me. Not knowing is difficult but so is torturing yourself like that. You need to try to eat something and then get some sleep. Do you want Jello or an ice-pop?"

“I want a cheeseburger.” 

“That sounds like a terrible idea, but when did that ever stop you? Jarvis, can you get us organized with a takeout? I am starving as well.” Nicola decided to put all her faith in the magical powers of ondansetron and firmly crossed her fingers that the antiemetic would help Tony hold his dinner down.

&

Tony’s recover would progress better if he took on board advice and instructions but Tony being Tony he had to put his own spin on pretty much every aspect of the management plan. In an aftermath of yet another argument with Pepper Tony decided to hit the gym. That seemed like the right way to deal with his feelings. No drinking, no locking himself in a workshop for days on end. Just following his cardiac rehab routine like a good patient. Tony started with the prescribed warm up but quickly veered off the agreed PT regimen. He was running faster and increased the incline well above what he was comfortable with. He could hear Jarvis urging him to slow down but he ignored him. His breathing was now coming in rapid, desperate gasps but he continued to push himself. There was a part of him that wanted to feel physical pain. He didn't have to wait much longer for the familiar stabbing sensation of angina to appear. Now was a really good time to stop but he didn't. 

"Stark, what the hell are you doing? You are supposed to have a spotter and this incline is well to steep. We have been over this." Steve approached him sounding annoyed. When he realized how unwell Tony was looking Steve hit the emergency stop button on the treadmill and basically dragged Tony off just as his Tony's legs started to give weight from under him. 

"You are alright. Just take it easy. Where is your medication?" Steve has helped Tony with enough cardiac rehab sessions to know that it was GTN time and rest alone won't do it. "Jarvis get us some help".

Steve felt really helpless. He was not medically trained. He did know a lot about running and gym equipment. Even more importantly he was a stickler for the rules, and this was the main reason why Sam put him in charge of day-to-day implementation of Tony’s rehabilitation plan. Tony was at best indifferent and at worst completely chaotic in his approach, which did not bode well for him exercising unsupervised in his current fragile state. 

Bruce was used to being called to the gym to check on Tony, but he was not prepared for the latest drama. Jarvis gave him a brief overview, but he was still shocked to see Tony gasping for breath, on the floor propped against Steve, who was himself looking a bit panicked by now. 

"Jesus, Tony what were you thinking? This is the exact opposite of what you are supposed to be doing to get off the bench. You are supposed to show us that you know your limits and can exercise safely." Bruce took a look at Tony's pained expression and reminded himself that there was time and place for everything and now was not the time for scolding. "Ok, ok. Just relax… I brought your GTN spray. "

"I'm going to get shocked. Bruce, I fucked up. The pacing, it's not... Bruce help me! Please..." Tony was sounding more and more frantic. Bruce realized that Tony hadn't had any treatment shocks since they recalibrated and was still expecting it to be extremely painful.

"Take it easy. Let's have a look at what's going on. Bruce switched on the cardiac monitor. The monitor that Tony was supposed to be watching whilst exercising to adjust the intensity to changes in his heart rate. He could see that despite increasing intensity and frequency of impulses the pacemaker was struggling to override the extremely rapid rhythm.

"Take it easy Tony. Just let the device do it's job. Remember that we made adjustments. The shocks should now be less painful." 

Tony was now panting rapidly, and his oxygen saturation started to plummet. It wasn't long before his pacemaker entered into emergency ICD mode and delivered a treatment shock. Tony closed his eyes and gasped. He felt as if he just got kicked in the chest, but the pain was definitely less intense. He immediately felt much better.

"Right, ok. Just take it easy. Don't try to get up. I'm going to put some oxygen on you, and you are going to have a nice rest here before we take a trip to the medical bay. " One step forward, two steps back Bruce thought to himself but said nothing more. 

Chapter Text

In the aftermath of his turbulent recovery from an initial set of tests and the ablation procedure, Tony started to avoid sessions with Nicola. He came to the centre every Saturday regardless. Bruce sometimes came along to help with the cooking class or Yoga workshops.  Tony did the Lego group in the morning and then just hung out with the kids in the afternoon like the rest of the volunteers. He would talk to Nicola amicably during lunch or whenever they crossed paths but dug his hills when it came to anything that sounded to much like therapy to him. Nicola kept Tony's slot open in the diary, but she didn't push him. Despite Fury's protestation she allowed Tony to set the pace. The urgency was gone. He was no longer at an imminent risk of dying. Nicola encouraged Fury to clear Tony for restricted duties. He was definitely well enough to work on his technical projects. Dr Wu was satisfied that his heart could cope quite happily with Tony getting back in his suit as long as he didn't over exert himself. He was still grounded from Shield's perspective after an evaluation describing him as mentally and physically fragile, much to Tony's dismay.

This afternoon Tony was playing basketball with the older boys. It was a fast-paced game, and he worked hard to keep up. When he felt the flutter in his chest indicating that the device had switched to rapid pacing to control an abnormal rhythm, he should have stopped. He has done enough cardiac rehab by now to know exactly where his safe limits were for exercise. He didn't stop, though. He pushed through it, and the next thing he knew, he was lying on the ground, surrounded by concerned-looking teens. 

“Mr Stark?! Can you hear me?" Peter was kneeling next to him with his trembling hand on his neck feeling his pulse. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Tony's eye open and took his hand away. 

“I'm alright... I’m…" Tony sat up, still dazed. At that moment, Nicola showed up carrying a first aid kit. 

“Right kids. Give me some space here. Of you go". She motioned towards the building indicating for everyone to go inside. "You to Peter. " 

“But..." Peter started to protest but the serious look that Nicola gave him was enough for him not to argue. “I will see you later Mr Stark. Take care”. 

Tony didn't protest initially when Nicola started to fuss around him whilst talking with Jarvis. As his brain rebooted though he felt increasingly irritated by the situation. " What the hell happened?" He asked in an annoyed tone. 

"The usual. VT. From looking at your ECG I suspect that you have ignored warning signs. Corrective pacing didn't take hold and you ended up with a shock. This could have…” Nicola started to explain but was quickly interrupted by Tony.

"Not this shit again! This was supposed to be fixed. " 

“Tony, you know that that what Wu has managed to do isn't a cure. He' has patched things a little to buy you time. You have a lifelong heart condition that requires careful management. To really get on top of this you need an open-heart surgery. We have been over this... " 

" Just shut up! Shut up! Please... " I can't deal with this right now. I just can't." Tony scrambled to his fist and backed away from Nicola. “Jarvis!  Suit, now!”

&

Nicola knew better than to argue with Tony when he got to that level of irritability. She expected him to go back to the tower and shut himself in the workshop. She was taken by surprise when a couple of hours later she received a call from concerned Bruce who was looking for Tony. 

“Does Pepper have any clue where he might be?” Nicola enquired, struggling to come up with any other helpful ideas regarding Tony’s whereabouts. 

“Pepper isn’t here. I suspect that is at least half of the problem.” Bruce remarked wearily. 

&

When night fall and Tony still wasn't back the Avengers gathered at the tower to appraise the situation. Fury been alerted and attended in person to share his dissatisfaction. He was packing the Tower’s communal area with his black leather coat flapping behind him. 

“Dr Taylor, I hold you personally responsible. You have cleared him to have access to his suit, and next thing he takes off and goes missing." Fury was now shouting at full volume. 

“With all due respect, director, the suit is Tony's property. He doesn't need mine or your permission to use it. He has been sensible enough to follow advice not to when it was putting too much strain on his heart. There is no longer a physical reason for him to refrain from those activities. 

“Setting aside the fact that he had some cardiac episode just from playing ball with a bunch of kids!" Fury interjected.

“The ICD worked as expected. He is fine." Bruce chipped in. 

“If you say so. What I am most worried about is his mental state. What can you tell me about that? " Fury turned back to Nicola.

" I think you are right to be concerned. " She stated calmly.

"Can we bloody find him? Natasha, can you override his block and get Jarvis back online?” 

"I would strongly advise against that.” Nicola could not think of a worse idea. 

"Why? This is the best chance we have to locate him" Fury was rapidly losing his patience with Nicola.

“Look, Tony gave me pretty much full access to Jarvis. I can normally keep track of his vitals at all times. I know where he is and what he is doing. I know if he slept, if he has eaten, if he has he taken his medication. This is a level of surveillance and supervision that would ordinally only happen in hospitals on a constant watch. Tony allowed me access because he desperately wants to live and to get better. It has taken an awful lot for him to trust me. The only way this will work in the long run is by consent. Yes, it worries me that he suddenly revoked my privileges, but at this point, I need to respect his privacy.”

“I don't give a flying monkey about his privacy. I want to know what the hell is going on with my operative and to bring him home." Fury clearly did not share Nicola’s concern for the ongoing therapeutic relationship or the ethical implications of what he was proposing. 

“On a practical note, none will be able to hack into Jarvis without Tony’s knowledge. If he is out there spiralling, the last thing we should be doing is adding to his stress by messing with Jarvis. It's not just AI to him. It's his best friend. At the moment, he is muted and inaccessible to us, but I bet that he is with Tony. If Tony feels cornered and forced to shut Jarvis down completely to protect him, this crisis will reach a completely new level."

 " What do you propose then?" Fury was becoming more and more concerned. Tony was impulsive and there was always some sort of drama going on with him but this situation made Fury feel a new sense of unease. 

“There may be a way for me to talk to him. I need to get on my laptop." Nicola opened her email inbox and looked through it until she found the message from Tony with communication link. She wondered if it would work. 

“What is it?" Fury and Natasha were peering over Nicola’s shoulder curious.  "Very sophisticated, encrypted channel by the look of it". Natasha remarked recognizing Tony’s handy work.

" Fury, do you mind? You standing over me like that doesn’t help.” Nicola snapped. She really hoped that this was going to work because the alternative spelt disaster. 

N: Hi.

T: I don't want to talk.

N: Are your hurt?

T: NO

N:Are you safe

T: IDK

N: Can you tell me where you are? Fury is here getting really antsy. To be honest we are all worried about you.

T:Can you look after Peper and Bruce?

N:Tony, what are you up to ?

T:Can you -

N:You know that I will but right now the person that most needs looking after is you.

T:Just leave me alone, please.

N: I will if you can honestly promise me that you are going to keep yourself safe. Otherwise I will need to let Furry unleash his cavalry of men in black to look for you and bring you home.

T: I am not doing anything. I just want to be alone. I need alone. Please.

N: Can we stay in touch on this channel? We don't need to talk. I just need to know you are ok.

There was no response from Tony but what appeared in the feed was an ECG tracing. It was reassuringly normal. At the same time Nicola's phone pinged with a massage from Jarvis. 

Sir wants you to know that I am fully functional and keeping him company. I can't disclose his location right now, but I am allowed to say that it is far from any immediate dangers.

“Right. Panic is over.” Nicola let out a deep sigh. She didn’t even realize that she was holding her breath.  I will carry on here and let you know it we need any assistance. I suggest that we all get some food and try to get some rest.”

“Are you sure you know what you are doing?" Fury asked quietly. 

“It's a bit late in the day to ask that question, isn't it? Have you got a better operative to replace me on this?” Nicola snapped.

Furry shook his head. “Carry on, Taylor. You and Stark are cut from the same cloth. Both pain in my ass and both valued assets." He got up to leave but then looked at Nicola again and said much more softly. " Don't screw this up."

&

A couple of hours have passed when Nicola got another massage from Jarvis telling her that Tony was back in his workshop and asking her to come down.

"Hey. Are you ok? Any immediate issues I need to be aware of?" Nicola approached cautiously and gave Tony a once-over. It was difficult to eyeball him for injuries because he was sitting under his desk again. 

“What? Besides me being suicidal and a flight risk? " Tony snapped. 

“I need to know if you have acted on any of those ideas and if there is anything that needs immediate treatment," Nicola explained patiently. She was familiar with Tony’s fight mode. At this moment in time, the only thing she cared about was that he came back to the Tower, seemingly in one piece, and actually asked for help rather than shut himself in the workshop, which was massive progress. 

 " No. I wanted to… I really did… It used to help... When I was at college. I did it all the time. I haven't for so long. But today, today I really wanted to…" 

“To cut yourself? Is that what you mean." They have spoken about it. From the very first day when Nicola took his intake history. She was well aware of risks and his past and present self destructive behaviours. 

" Yeah…"

"Is the urge still there?” Nicola sat down next to Tony and asked him gently. 

“I'm not planning to cut my wrists to top myself!"

“That's not that I'm asking." 

" Yes, the urge is there. A bit less… I don’t think I should be alone right now though..." As much as it pained Tony to admit it he really didn’t feel like he could trust himself right now not to do something he would later regret. 

 "Do you know what set you off?" Nicola wasn’t sure if she was going to get a genuine answer or a snarky snap, but she cautiously tried regardless. 

“I hate being sick... Being so weak makes me vulnerable..." Tony shuddered as a sudden chill went down his spine. His breathing started to quicken, and his hand reflexively went up to his chest. “All I want is to feel safe, even just for five minutes. To get a break from it all..." Now Tony was crying. 

“You are safe. You are surrounded by people who care and want to help you. Even Fury is concerned about you. It's not very often I get to see his softer side." 

“I get that. I know they all care but... I don't think they can understand... Maybe Bruce but then his ‘condition’ doesn’t make him weak and isn't going to kill him. " 

"Maybe you need a different perspective. Being amongst superhumans probably doesn't help right now. How would you feel about a trip to the lakes for a change of perspective? Presbyterian runs a summer camp for kids with life limiting conditions. There are a lot of volunteers there who are adult survivors of congenital heart disease. It may do you good to mingle with them for a change.”

“OK, fine…”

“I was expecting a bit more of a resistance, I am not gonna lie. Or at least some follow-up questions.” Nicola raised her eyebrow.

“I have heard all about it 10 times over. Peter is most excited for the prospect of being junior counsellor there this year. Look I’m going to be honest. It’s not that the prospect of singing kumbaya with other heart patients or joining in with arts and crafts entices me. I just don’t think it is fair on Bruce to have to babysit me alone here for 3 weeks whilst you are gone. He can have a bit of a break from me if I go.” Tony was completely dejected and again felt like a massive burden on his friend.

“Speaking about Bruce. I could actually really use his help. We are thin on the ground this year for medical volunteers, and the skills and experience he gained practising medicine in rural and remote settings will come in really handy.”

“Rural and remote? Where exactly is that camp?” Tony immediately started to have regrets, wondering how much of a backwater they were talking about.

“If you get from under there, I can show you some pictures from last year.” Nicola extended her hand and helped Tony to pull himself up. All she now needed was the same level of cooperation from Bruce.