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If Mitsuki knew anything about self-preservation, it would be doing the opposite of whatever Kujo Tenn was doing. The state he usually found him in when they took baths together was deplorable. His backbones, although frail and invisible to the naked eye, were very rough to the touch. Tenn often protested the shoulder massage Mitsuki imposed on him.
“It’s not like we see each other every day,” The bright orange-haired boy insisted every time, wondering how such a delicate man could amass that amount of stress on his body. “You get free physical therapy once a week from yours truly, quit being stubborn!”
He, of course, always said that with a smile pushing on his cheeks, and a joyful tone, as if this was the best day of his life. Tenn was unsure of the reason why, Mitsuki got to be in the same group and dorm as his twin brother, surely this couldn’t be the boy’s highlight of the week. They had only started seeing each other a few weeks ago, shortly after Mitsuki and Riku—and Rokuya-san, rescued him from those men taking him away for the night.
However, Tenn has had his eyes on Izumi Mitsuki for a while before that. Ever since the boy saved them from that disaster question Mister Shimooka had asked them on LIVE television, Tenn had felt grateful and would find himself more indebted to Mitsuki than he ever thought he would be. It would be a lie to say he was not slightly mad at him for bringing Riku with him to such a ragged place, whether he had faked that attack or not. Regardless, it proved itself impossible to stay angry at the guy, he was sunlight incarnate. Who could ever be mad at the sun?
Being with Mitsuki was similar to unclenching your jaw, you were unaware of how rigid your body felt until you let go, and letting go was the easiest thing to do around him. Their first kiss had occurred just a few days after TRIGGER had gone indie, when Tenn had shown up unprompted in front of Mitsuki’s door, thanking him for being so great about everything. The proper way of doing so would have been to go to Riku or their leader, certainly not their charismatic MC.
Tenn’s memory of that night was a blur, although he did remember being the one who kissed Mitsuki. Watching his face redden at Tenn’s gratitude, giggling and reassuring him that they will always have their back had seemed like a lifeline to Tenn, who was trying his hardest to hold onto the remaining bits of hope in the middle of all the catastrophes unfolding in his life.
He had dreaded being home, where Kujo-san could, at any moment, have a change of heart concerning Tenn’s standing with his co-stars. He frankly couldn’t get a minute of sleep anywhere. Mitsuki’s warmth had felt like an anchor he couldn’t let go of. Leaving that room would’ve meant being left at the world’s mercy, and allowing it to consume him ruthlessly.
Mitsuki had seemed to accept the kiss without complaint or protest, as if someone locking their lips with his, without so much as a warning, was a common occurrence. Tenn did not have the heart to ask why, nor stop what he had started. His mind, that voice inside his head that never seemed to quieten—and wore the speech of his guardian, was begging him to cease this foolishness, to not hold on to such a person. He is not like you, he thought again and again, unaware of that being the exact reason his fingers were gripping Mitsuki’s arm and neck so tightly. Mitsuki had felt strong enough to hold onto.
Mitsuki giggled when Tenn broke their kiss, the both of them catching their breath, and Tenn gripping the boy’s wrist as if he would disappear under his touch as soon as he let go of him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” He reassured him, clearly flushed and slightly disoriented. Mitsuki put his free hand on Tenn’s, the one he was clutching him with. “You should think this through.”
Tenn clicked his tongue at those words, he was outraged at Mitsuki allowing him an out to this terrible decision that could backfire on the both of them pretty hard. The white-haired boy had had enough of being denied making mistakes that would only impact him. He was tired of not being indulged, even by someone as safe as Mitsuki, who so kindly reminded him of the consequences this could have.
Let me carry the burden of this terrible idea.
Like a signature, a handshake with the devil, Tenn sealed their lips once again, leading Mitsuki’s contained hand to his own cheek, allowing him to partake in this kiss as much as he was.
That had marked the start of the occasional make-out session in backstage closets, or ‘accidental’ hand touches when Idolish7’s Mitsuki and TRIGGER’s Tenn were both up for another variety show appearance. Tenn was, however, quickly disappearing from the industry, thus their workplace encounters were now occurring in Mitsuki’s room where he assured the boy that Riku was busy doing other things to notice his beloved twin lurking. Mitsuki also secretly made sure Iori wasn’t around either.
The redhead did not wish to roll the dice on his luck with the Kujo, he never dared to ask why they couldn’t just meet up at his house. Although he still had difficulty coming to terms with Tenn being the one initiating almost all of it. Very rarely was he the one instigating stolen kisses, Mitsuki never really knew how to bring up the topic surrounding boundaries in their particular predicament. They enjoyed each other’s company, that was for certain, but the appeal behind it was its spontaneity. He did not like the idea of ruining everything just to know when it would be okay for him to demand Tenn’s attention. The redhead never denied how intimidating Kujo Tenn was, sometimes forgetting he was a twin to such a free-spirited person as Riku.
✧
The night Mitsuki had first suggested they start bathing together, Tenn almost caught himself falling asleep by his side.
The question had jolted him awake. In his daze, the white-haired boy had too many things to protest at once. Did he almost pass out on Mitsuki’s bed? He, who had been unable to sleep through his nights, and had started taking sleeping pills to avoid getting eye bags since Anesagi pointed out how rough he looked lately. Tenn almost wished the boy’s suggestion was a dream he just jumped away from.
“Hmn?” He slurred, internally begging this was all a joke; maybe a joke everybody was in on except him.
Mitsuki laughed candidly as an initial response, leaving Tenn confused as to what could possibly be that funny. He was convinced this was all a prank, a dare. They had been found out, or Mitsuki had never kept them a secret at all.
“Sorry,” Mitsuki rushed to add, noticing Tenn’s raised eyebrow, still looking at him from his side of the bed. “It’s my first time seeing you groggy with sleep is all.”
“Am I?” Questioned Tenn, unaware some of his camellia pink hair sat on his head a mess, “It is getting late.”
“It’s only eight in the afternoon,” Goaded Mitsuki, a faint pout in his tone, one that Tenn had some trouble resisting at times. “Don’t try to avoid the question like that!”
“I am not avoiding anything; will you tone it down?” Hearing himself make that request definitely confirmed that he was two minutes away from falling asleep, great. “You were serious about that?”
The peach-haired boy’s eyes stretched wide, as if questioning his motives was an insult in itself. “Of course I was! I’ve never asked anyone before.”
Such honesty…were the words that popped up in Tenn’s head when met with the boy’s indignation. He couldn’t imagine himself ever being that brave, asking a question like that, or admitting the unprecedentedness of it. He didn’t consider himself a coward by any means, but speaking so earnestly seemed so ludicrous to him that he could only assume Mitsuki was mocking him.
“This doesn’t have to mean anything,” Whispered Mitsuki under a quiet breath. “It might be worth a try though, help you relax.”
What could it be giving it away? What was the telltale sign that Tenn was unravelling inside and out? “Do I look like a charity case to you?” he wanted to spit at the people insisting he were to take care of himself. His only way of assessing how good he was feeling usually depended on his success, of his fans cheering his name, the few times his guardian afforded him remarkable praise. Congratulations Tenn, my dearest angel. You are everything I they ever wanted Tenn. Your performances will revolutionize the world Tenn.
All was well when Takamasa Kujo was happy, and Tenn was aware of the cost of that happiness. He wasn’t so sure of his ability to afford it anymore.
“I don’t need an answer right this second,” Mitsuki added, snuggling deeper into the sheets they shared. “If you ever consider it, send me a signal.”
And just like that, the conversation ended. Tenn was extremely grateful for that. Something he appreciated about Mitsuki—among many other things, was how little he pushed Tenn, when he clearly was trying to run away from certain topics. Mitsuki also always fell asleep first, so leaving in the middle of the night wasn’t a whole ordeal. It was almost impressive how much of a natural Mitsuki was at keeping what they had at the lowest stakes possible. Tenn couldn’t really handle another serious anything.
It however didn’t stop him from pulling back the sheets covering Mitsuki’s red face. Seemed like his confidence had taken a hit after all.
“What now-” the embarrassed boy tried asking, his words swallowed early by Tenn’s lips pressing against his. Their kisses were small and delicate, surrounded by a comforting silence. Mitsuki’s body lightly twitched when he felt a few hair strands fall on his cheek, quickly rearranging them behind Tenn’s ear, leaving the palm of his hand on his cheek.
Mitsuki slightly stood up from his initial position, allowing Tenn to have more leeway in manoeuvring their kiss. There was no easy way to say this, Tenn enjoyed pressing his lips against Mitsuki’s. His heart always skipped a beat when his cheeks noticed the warmth from the redhead’s. Ever since their first kiss, the younger boy had to restrain himself from sighing into Mitsuki’s mouth every time they shared a long, passionate embrace. He didn’t really see the point in having baths to relax, as the stiffness in Tenn’s body—and mind, faded away as soon as he caught himself melting under Mitsuki’s whole presence. Surely, he had to find a new way of dealing with this, or he was doomed to spend most of his sleepless nights in this room.
Lightheaded at the sudden thought, Tenn placed a hand on Mitsuki’s chest to break their kiss. “I should go back,” he spoke in a low voice, a painful oath.
The older boy couldn’t hide his disappointment at the statement, his eyes reflecting a regret he hadn’t seen in Mitsuki’s face, ever.
“You know where to find me,” he replied, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. It was odd, seeing him like this, when he clearly remembered the boy knocking out a full-grown man for him. Now, he looked like a sleepy cat, as they shared a bed.
Tenn knew where to find him indeed.
✧
They had landed on Saturday night. Tenn’s family usually spent the entire evening tending to their respective duties and were rarely home until very late at night. Tenn had strongly opposed Mitsuki coming over to his house, but upon realizing that the only other option would be taking a bath in Idolish7’s dorm, he reluctantly surrendered.
The Kujo house had a security system, and cameras at the front door, so they’d have to find a way around that. Meeting at a hotel would have been risky, in terms of getting recognized, and frankly, a bit too intense. A bath for crying out loud! Teenagers with strict parents managed to sneak out and have a bath with whoever they were dating that week, why was the Kujo Tenn not able to find a viable solution to this? He wondered if he was overthinking it at this point, if Mitsuki had already forgotten about this whole thing, and if he should invest in the career prospects he had left, instead of worrying about this.
✧
Sure enough, Mitsuki did not forget.
That Saturday morning, Tenn had woken up to a text from him saying “Are we still on for tonight ﾍ(=￣∇￣)ﾉ?”, which he couldn’t help but smirk at. It wasn’t much, but the constant reassurance was comforting to fall back on.
“Yes, we are. But why are you thinking about this at 7 in the morning?”, he texted back, physically incapable of thinking of a kinder good morning message. This boy had him smiling first thing in the morning…Everything was under control. If Tenn was capable of cutting off his blood family, breaking up a fling wouldn’t be much of a hassle.
The redhead only replied with another one of his overjoyed emojis. Tenn made a mental note to turn off the front door cameras for three minutes when his guest would be on his way. One for Mitsuki walking into the doorway and waiting, another for entering, and the last one as a safety measure for the door closing.
He still had time to cancel if that plan suddenly seemed reckless. Tenn failed to realize he held his phone close to his chest for a few minutes before getting up and starting his day.
✧
When Mitsuki entered the Kujo residence, he had reached for a kiss.
Tenn backed off from it.
It took everything in him not to wince at the rejection. The redhead thought crossing this bridge in their relationship would be enough for him to initiate an embrace, but the sudden drop in his stomach signalled to him he should feel like utter trash right about now.
“I’m so-..!” He tried apologizing before Tenn linked both of their hands and dragged Mitsuki out of the living room as fast as he could without running. Mitsuki was feeling too guilty and confused to question any of it. Tenn was not wearing the most pleased face either; why did he say yes to this if he was already looking so miserable?
Tenn let go of his hand as soon as he closed the bathroom door, a heavy exhale escaping his lungs. Mitsuki pressed his back against the door, his shoulders feeling tenser than usual.
“I can leave if you prefer.” He finally managed to let out. Mitsuki couldn’t make himself go through this amount of nervousness, not when he wasn’t even dating Tenn.
Tenn was still looking at the bathtub, not facing him at all.
“Just…shut up for a second.”
Ah.
✧
With how awkward their afternoon had started, Mitsuki was ready to twist the doorknob and leave without a word. He couldn’t understand how such a small gesture could’ve triggered Tenn to the point of acting colder than usual. He felt foolish at the thought, but the boy standing in front of him was different from the one he was used to spending his nights with. That boy was easily embarrassed, easy to pick on, and most of all, gentle. He caught so many glimpses of Tenn’s tenderness, Mitsuki struggled to remember the bitter mood the boy was known for.
It didn’t occur to the redhead that, perhaps, Kujo Tenn was just not used to being himself in his own home.
Tenn was not ready to feel the comfort Mitsuki brought him under his own roof. What would remain of him, when Mitsuki would be gone? When they inevitably break this off? Would Tenn be able to handle looking at any part of this house? Going back to a cold couch, an icy bathtub, that were once basked with warmth and sunlight? It seemed like pure torture to Tenn, who just caught himself grieving a relationship he hadn’t even bothered officializing or ending.
“Are you coming in, or not?” The youngest of the two asked, unbuttoning his shirt, and heading towards the bathtub.
Mitsuki raised an eyebrow at the scene. Were they going to pretend like nothing happened? The redhead wasn’t good at turning a blind eye to tension, he preferred facing issues as they arose in front of him. But their rulebook forbade him from doing so, and he couldn’t see himself leaving, now that they’d made their bed.
“Try running the water first?” Were the words that evoked a click on Tenn’s tongue, his cheeks suddenly hot.
“I was about to!” Countered Tenn, twisting the faucet. “I would appreciate it if you stopped policing what I say and do.”
That last request wasn’t uttered in malice, but rather with pride, it reminded Mitsuki of the times he caught his younger brother dotting on his adorable possessions. Mitsuki replied with an exacerbated hum, a fond one.
They sat in silence on the thin borders of the abnormally big bathtub, waiting for cool and hot water to become one. Watching Tenn waltz his fingers on the water's surface made Mitsuki’s cheeks redden. There was no denying that he was physically attracted to the walking sin that was Kujo Tenn. He somehow always managed to resemble an angel on the brink of falling off a cloud. Tenn’s skin, his figure, his voice, everything about him made the redhead incredibly insecure. Not so much about his own appearance, but rather feeling unfit for such a delicacy. Undeserving of his excellence. He wondered if Tenn was aware of how painfully gorgeous he was to look at.
He also could not deny the boy’s natural tension, a real bundle of nerves. Tenn, in all honesty, never looked fully at ease, wherever he was, whoever he was with. Tonight, however, he seemed stiffer. A shame Mitsuki couldn’t determine whether the drop of sweat on Tenn’s forehead was a result of the accumulating heat in the bathroom, or of something else.
“I think it’s ready,” Announced Tenn, snapping Mitsuki out of his gaping. He was, again, tempted to kiss the boy, as his statement sounded more like a question, considerate enough to ask if the water temperature was to Mitsuki’s liking as well. He felt weak to Tenn’s exceptionally brief moments of unfiltered cuteness.
As they both undressed, Mitsuki assumed they would be facing each other. The first thing he saw was Tenn’s bare back, a gasp escaping his lips, as he wasn’t even fully settled in the water yet. His surprise was clearly heard, as Tenn’s pinkish hair swung on Mitsuki’s face in full speed.
“I thought this was what you wanted,” hissed Tenn, the pink in his cheeks matching his hair’s. “Insisting on me relaxing.”
That last part was mostly mumbled, taking a whole ten seconds for Mitsuki to fully register what was being implied here. All of a sudden, the bathroom got warmer.
“I-It is what I wanted!” He quickly corrected, trying his best not to sound flustered at the position they were in, laughing to conceal his embarrassment. “Do you want to lay down first? I should have asked what your bath routine was.”
He wondered what kind of beauty products the boy used, and in what order…and immediately slapped himself mentally, realizing he was trespassing on lines that were clearly drawn to keep Mitsuki out. Tenn might have been a strange person to be around, but his desire for privacy was hard to miss. Upholding those boundaries was an additional basis to their relationship, and Mitsuki was fully aware of Tenn’s control over it. As soon as Tenn would declare it over, it would be over. No questions asked.
“I don’t really take baths,” Sighed Tenn, no longer facing his bath partner, his back getting closer to Mitsuki’s chest. “Never saw the appeal.”
Who hurt you? Was the first thought that appeared in Mitsuki’s head. Everyone he knew of enjoyed and took baths regularly, Mitsuki couldn’t imagine going a month without basking in a hot, steaming bath. Those were the hidden advantages of being the shortest one in his group, as Tamaki never failed to remind everyone of how small the dorm’s bathtub was for him to lie down in.
He resisted the urge to point out how wrong Tenn was living his life, as they were already in a vulnerable enough position for such a sensitive remark. He wanted to ask if he saw the appeal of it now, but deep down, he recognized Tenn’s silence an enough answer.
Mitsuki needed to regulate his breathing, suddenly aware of how heavy and strong his heartbeat was against Tenn’s back.
“This is nice,” Tenn admitted, raising his arm, water dripping from his fingers, trickling from his arm and elbow. “Are we supposed to stay like this?”
“There aren’t really rules for baths,” His lover replied, his hand hesitant to reach for the boy’s hair, and shoulder. “Main part of relaxing is actually not worrying about stuff.”
The youngest’s slender figure flinched against Mitsuki’s chest. “You keep saying these things like they’re facts.”
The redhead didn’t pay attention to those words, as he felt his own body yearn for Tenn’s skin under his fingertips. There was no other way to put it, everything about Tenn shook his senses. From the boy’s damp neck, he had such a clear vision of, to his lovely, pink-shaded hair tickling his neck, and of course, his face as they shared a kiss. Mitsuki felt the need to hold his bare shoulders from where he sat and let his greed get the best of him. He yearned for his attention, words, and something else, too painful to name just yet.
“…You say these things, as if you knew anything about me,” Tenn’s voice, lurking in Mitsuki’s gluttonous thoughts, added. “I don’t like being talked down to.”
Putting his depraved hands back in the water, Mitsuki felt the butterflies in his stomach turn into moths.
✧
Tenn somehow predicted this would stir trouble between them. He couldn’t help but feel angry at the scene. Uneasy, he failed to notice Mitsuki’s heartbeat speeding up against his.
“Why would I do that?” The redhead defended himself, as Tenn refused to look at him still.
He was right, Mitsuki would never do that. Tenn couldn’t shake off the fear that this was all a big joke, waiting for the curtain to fall, for the audience to laugh, for the consequences this mistake of a relationship to glare at him with petrified eyes.
He didn’t want to be taken care of, he already was. He had been cared for his entire life. This overprotectiveness he seemed to trigger people into made him want to bark like a violent dog.
“I…Never mind,” he gave up on explaining, now hugging his legs, parting from Mitsuki’s chest. “I don’t see the point in talking to you.”
As the distance grew, Mitsuki was reminded of how tall Tenn was, or rather how tall he felt. It usually wasn’t significant enough to bother him, the boy was so frail, the only times he noticed his height were when Mitsuki gripped the boy’s clothes to prop himself up when they kissed.
I am losing him again.
“I know you don’t mean that.” The redhead retorted, too frightened to reach his arm out and touch the boy’s back. Way too hazardous of a bet.
Clicking his tongue, Tenn wished he had never agreed to this charade. Mitsuki not capitulating to his temper, enraged him more than he would’ve liked to admit. Why won’t he leave well enough alone?
“You won’t make me regret this,” continued Mitsuki in a soft voice, “I’m glad we got to try this, even if you want to end it.”
Tenn felt incredibly grateful Mitsuki was unable to see how his eyebrows rose up to those words, for Mitsuki was desperately trying to say what Kujo Tenn wanted to hear. He would rather gouge his eyes out than demand something out of someone, out of Mitsuki of all people, who was nothing but great. Mitsuki was great about everything. Tenn admired the way he always managed to compartmentalize his emotions.
“You won’t regret how awkward this has been?” asked Tenn in a smaller voice than intended. “You puzzle me.”
The water had stopped making noise, as none of them moved an inch when Tenn broke contact.
“We haven’t even been here fifteen minutes, and we’ve never done this before,” he answered nonchalantly. “I didn’t expect us to be pros at this on our first try.”
Mitsuki wanted to do this again? Tenn was dying over here, and his lover was already planning their next one.
He should end this now. Forever.
Tenn stood up to leave, or rather to ask Mitsuki to leave. This wasn’t Mitsuki’s home—nor was it Tenn’s, not a soul should’ve been allowed to go anywhere near it, let alone enter it.
He should’ve anticipated it, but Mitsuki’s face upon turning around made his heart sink. The redhead wasn’t wearing a chagrined expression, nor a disappointed one. He would’ve preferred both of those over the one he was facing. Only his twin’s sickly eyes could make him fold as such, or at least that’s what he expected of himself.
No. The face Mitsuki wore was one of prophecy. A look that screamed I knew it. It had caught him off guard, unaware the boy could make such a face. Disappointing those eyes suddenly seemed like the biggest sin Tenn could ever commit. He only ever wanted Mitsuki to look happy, radiant smile on his lip, like when he spotted him backstage, right before a performance, way before Tenn thought of ever kissing him that night. Mitsuki should be happy, that was the way everything was supposed to be. A law of nature.
Here they were in Kujo’s bathtub; here was Tenn, with a boy Kujo wouldn’t even grace a glance towards. Someone Kujo would have him hanged for choosing.
Mitsuki, whose idol was Zero, just like Kujo. Tenn should end this, he has to, Mitsuki would only get hurt in all of this. He ached so much at the idea, that he failed to consider this would give Mitsuki’s younger brother yet another reason to constantly slander him. Mitsuki was just another collateral he had dragged along with him in his delirious streak of very bad decisions.
So why was he sitting back down? Now facing him, running two fingers where Mitsuki’s hair and cheek met.
“You should be mad,” Tenn suggested, more so as a question than a statement. “This is not relaxing to you."
Regardless of how tender Tenn’s touch was, Mitsuki did not melt under it, as he typically did. “I am a patient guy,” He whispered in a jaded tone, a fake smile on his lips.
“I hurt your feelings.” Tenn asserted, frowning at the lack of warmth this conversation was setting itself to.
“It’s not like I can hold that against you,” Mitsuki answered, his turn to hug his legs, waterdrops on his shaking knees. “We’re just having fun.”
Mitsuki was referring to their unwritten terms. To Tenn’s immense pleasure, they were also unspoken. They were simply having fun, not at all channelling Tenn’s existential panic into feelings he could never allow himself to have. In short, Mitsuki’s feelings weren’t allowed to be hurt, as they were not dating, and never will. It also did not help that Mitsuki couldn’t confide in anyone about any of it. His younger brother was out of the question for obvious reasons, Tenn’s brother was an even worse ordeal, and any other one of his friends wouldn’t let him hear the end of it. The both of them unconsciously signed off on keeping this between them, it’s what made it exhilarating.
In a world where everyone was a rival, a potential enemy, and where Tenn was now more than ever on the brink of losing everything, Mitsuki chose to be understanding of it. Much to Tenn’s dismay. Hate me. Hate me, so letting me go won’t feel like hell.