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The strong scent of gardenias bathed the entire environment, intoxicating him with its sweet, cloying aroma – but it didn't bother him, on the contrary, he loved it.
As a man who had always preferred sour to sweet, being bathed in such aromas was dangerously addictive.
It wasn't in his nature to daydream so much about flavors and aromas, let alone watch the enormous clouds above his head, but his last few days had been so miserable that he took advantage of every tiny detail around him...
...because he didn't know how long it would take to feel all that again.
.
.
.
"Do you think you'll find anything in the Iron Country? We searched for all that territory last time."
"I know, but I feel like there's something we missed," he replied immediately.
"Like what?", Sakura tilted her head to one side, looking at him through the reflection of her dressing table mirror, and realizing that he wasn't going to answer her, she turned her face to look at him more closely.
Sasuke, once standing in front of the door, was now sitting on the huge double bed, his head down and staring at the floor.
"Sasuke-kun?", Sakura called out, but to no avail.
Gently approaching her husband, she touched his only hand that rested on his right knee, interlacing their fingers in the process.
"I don't know what you're thinking, but I know what you're worried about. You know you're not alone."
"Naruto is needed in the village, as Hokage," despite his retort, Sakura sensed that Sasuke seemed lost in his own thoughts.
"Naruto won't be appointed any time soon, Kakashi-sensei has already made it clear that he will wait another five years or so," Sakura replied with a pained expression, completely agonized at not being able to decipher Sasuke's impassive face.
The silence frightened her. Sasuke might be an enigmatic creature to some, but not to her. Even in silence he was an open book to her, she could understand him even with a brief glance. But it was a small detail that left her with an enormous chill in her stomach.
Sasuke looking away from her.
Sasuke never looked away from her.
Something clicked in Sakura's head and she was stunned.
Sakura did her best to say her next words firmly and without stumbling, because she knew what they meant.
They would hurt her, and she didn't know how much she could take.
Involuntarily, she pulled away from Sasuke, their previously intertwined hands now far apart.
"You... would leave anyway, wouldn't you?", her voice sounded so calm that even Sasuke shivered at the intonation.
A strange feeling began to rise in her gut, and although it was a familiar feeling to her, it was unusual to feel this way towards Sasuke.
"You must understand–", Sasuke filled his lungs with air before replying, but was cut off by Sakura – her voice cold and completely disappointed.
"Why did I think it would be different this time...", Sakura got up from the bed and took quick steps towards the bedroom door, but when she put her hand on the knob, she gave up. Sasuke lifted his face so that he could see his wife with her hand firmly on the doorknob, her face erect – she seemed to be staring at the door.
Postponing that conversation had never been a good idea. Sasuke had thought every day since their return to Konoha: "It's today" , but "today" never came. Suddenly the days became weeks, and the weeks became months. Before he knew it, he was completely used to the new routine, with his family, and hardly thought about the world outside the gates of the Leaf Village: a world that still had deep-rooted hatred, a world where many wanted revenge on Sasuke Uchiha, a world where anyone would use his family to get to him.
"You're using the clues we found about Kaguya as an excuse to leave...", Sakura whispered, and Sasuke could only hear her words over the silent splendor of the early morning, "You never intended to go back to Konoha for good" , it wasn't a question, but a statement.
"No, " he confirmed. His answer was sincere, but he had no idea exactly what Sakura was getting at.
Sasuke never thought of Konoha as a home, because the concept of home for him was where his wife and daughter were. Sasuke didn't mind returning to his home village if Sakura didn't mind either. They were both happy living a few kilometers from Koamgakure – a small village in the Land of Lightning. Sakura could practice her medicine there, Sarada was safe in a small non-Ninja village – where no one knew who Sakura and Sasuke Uchiha were – and he could continue his investigations throughout the territory and return home in a few days.
It was perfect, and even he came to believe that they could live like that.
Hidden.
Non-existent.
Erased.
Unknown.
However, by a brutal mistake, Sasuke had left an enemy alive in the Land of Water.
And this enemy followed him without him realizing it.
Never before had Sasuke felt such dread, fear and despair as he did on the early morning of his return. The day that the hut where he and his family lived had been set on fire.
Because of an amateur mistake, he had almost lost his family...
...again.
Hell had become paradise the moment he had accepted the love of Sakura, whom he had disowned for so long.
Sasuke was absolutely certain that his sanity would be completely lost if he lived in hell again, now in a world where Sakura and Sarada didn't exist. Without their light and hope, he would have no reason to stay on earth.
He couldn't lose them. He couldn't allow that.
"Did you ever think... about Sarada?", Sakura snapped him out of his reverie, her voice becoming increasingly unrecognizable.
"I always do," his answer was obvious, at least to him. The despair of not seeing Sakura's face completely consumed him, and he could no longer ignore the fact that he couldn't decipher the intent of her words, "Can you turn your face to me?".
Sakura's mocking laughter sent a shiver down his spine, bringing him to the brink. However, she did as he had asked, and what he saw on her face was not what he had expected: her face was hard, her emerald eyes weren't sparkling as usual – they were cold and lifeless. He felt like some kind of invisible wall was being created between them, and that sensation hurt deep down somewhere in his chest.
Sasuke had expected to see anger...
...but seeing what he was seeing...
...was worse – it was suffocating.
"If you wanted to disappear from her life, you shouldn't have stayed," she said with her jaw clenched, and he couldn't tell if it was tears she was holding back or if she was trying not to scream, "This guilt you carry will never go away. That sense of justice in thinking you're the only one who can do anything about it will never go away either. You owe the Kage nothing – nothing. What you think you have to offer this world should never be greater than being present in your daughter's life".
A bad taste rose in his mouth when he heard those acidic, unfiltered words, coming from a person he had once again hurt.
He knew it would be unfair to feel angry, he knew it was entirely his fault that Sakura thought so far out of context.
He had never opened up about his real intentions when they returned to Konoha in the early hours after the hut fire. He had put it off. And now, he couldn't feel angry at seeing Sakura again doubting his intentions...
...or his true feelings.
He had omitted them for months.
So what was her fault for doubting?
It was his fault.
All his.
"Sakura," he waited for so long that he didn't know if it was seconds or minutes after hearing her cutting words. He didn't want to return the anger she felt, even though it was exactly what bathed him – but it was anger on him, not on her. Fearing that she would confuse the anger, he preferred to hold back until he was sure that he wouldn't return a feeling that was reserved for him.
"This world matters little to me – and I care little for being a selfish bastard," Sasuke uttered the words slowly, his hand on his chin, staring into the totally dull emerald eyes, "My reason for these investigations is not for noble cause, much less to repair damage I have done in the past. My goals are purely and completely selfish. Yes, perhaps at first I wanted to repair my damage to the world – yes, perhaps I once wanted to be someone who could investigate the underworld in this corrupt shinobi system as a way of making up for my mistakes. But that goal changed the moment I accepted that I could no longer ignore what I felt for you," the bedroom remained silent as Sasuke paused; he was deeply grateful that Sakura remained in the same place, so that he could continue, "You didn't deserve someone like me, so I had to... be better. Since you were the one I wanted by my side, I needed to change. Even though I didn't deserve you... I was selfish, and I wanted you. And the moment you agreed to be by my side... my goal was shaped by you... I wanted to protect this world... for you". Sakura completely lost her composure at that moment, and that was the cue for Sasuke to get up from the bed and take slow steps towards her.
"Stop right there," she tried to mutter, trying to stop the damn tears from falling, " Don't...", but her plea was ignored, and her body sabotaged her. She leaned completely into Sasuke's strong, sure body, letting herself be enveloped by his arm – his hand firmly holding her pink hair at the nape of her neck. And not long after, she felt his warm breath on her ear.
"Think what you will of me, but don't ever think that you and Sarada are less important than anything and anyone to me, " he then took advantage of her low guard to kiss her cheek, and gently trailing his lips up her face – touching her eyes, her nose, and then her forehead, "I am selfish, and my decision to share what we've discovered with the Kage is to guarantee Sarada a future. My decisions are purely for the two of you". But he wasn't sure if she had heard what he had just said, as her sobs were choking him, and he was already emotionally exhausted by all the events of that afternoon.
" Damn it, Sakura," he lamented, letting his tears fall too – hugging her even tighter and hiding his face in her hair. They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other, sharing the pain they both felt.
Longing was something you could learn to deal with, but instability and uncertainty, no – it wasn't easy.
Sasuke felt Sakura gently push him off her body, her eyes were swollen shut, and she quickly switched her gaze between his eyes and something fixed behind him. It was driving him crazy.
"Sakura."
"...".
"Please..."
"What?", she asked, after minutes of silence. She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't know how to comfort him – and also comfort her.
"Say something," his voice pleaded.
"...".
"I can't do this... without your support," he'd finally said what had pained him so much.
She couldn't say anything, and her only reaction was to hug him, and he promptly wrapped his arm around her again. After minutes of not saying a word, Sakura finally broke the silence.
"You don't owe anyone anything, Sasuke-kun," she had managed to say in a choked voice. It was a tearing pain – she could hardly breathe.
"I can't lose you," he had said into her hair, "You and Sarada... you're the most precious thing I have... And you'll be safe away from me," that last sentence made her pull away from his shoulder, and her eyes stare straight into those onyx and lilac eyes.
"How long?"
.
.
.
"I don't know," had been his answer that night.
And he didn't know who was hurt the most by that answer.
Him, Sakura...
…or Sarada.
What he used to comfort himself from his pain was the thought that Sakura and Sarada would be together and safe in Konoha. He had made Naruto and Kakashi promise to him that he could trust them with his family's safety on the perimeter of the Land of Fire, and in return, he would do the Kage's bidding regarding the investigation into Kaguya Ootsutski.
He couldn't risk both their lives again – out of a selfish desire to be present in his family's life.
His reality was painful.
All he wanted most was to be by his wife's side, to see his daughter grow up.
But he couldn't.
He was an extremely dangerous magnet for his family.
He couldn't risk enemies finding out about the existence of his only daughter, at least not until she could protect herself.
"Papa," a sweet, delicate sound interrupted his sad, melancholy thoughts. The sound came from the long main corridor, and only that voice gave him the strength to get up from the grass in his yard and go to meet her, "Papa!", Sensing his daughter's anxiety, Sasuke pressed on towards the stairs, and when he noticed Sarada hanging on to the bars that prevented her from going down the stairs, he immediately noticed her wet cheeks and red face.
"Sarada, what's wrong?", he asked as he took the little girl into his arms and cuddled her to his chest. He waited for her to calm down, pressing her tighter to his chest, kissing her hair to reassure her while murmuring words like "Papa's here", "It's okay".
"Hm-mons", he heard the little girl mumble something into his chest, but her still poor vocabulary and her broken voice didn't make it any easier for him to understand her.
"You need to stop crying so I can understand what you want, Sarada," he said gently – kissing both of his daughter's watery eyes. It was something he didn't realize, but Sakura once pointed out amusedly as they watched over their daughter's sleep: Sasuke used his words more in Sarada's presence. He was extremely communicative in front of his daughter, and he would never have realized it if it hadn't been for Sakura.
Sasuke had changed a lot when Sakura entered his life for good, but Sarada's arrival had caused an even greater change.
"Mosnt," Sarada wriggled, then raised her head to look into her father's eyes. Pointing her finger with her little arm, Sasuke understood what she wanted.
Approaching his daughter's bedroom, he took a good look around. Sarada's room was a typical princess room. The room was filled with stuffed animals, and the wallpaper was full of clouds and rainbows, making the room completely inviting and safe for a child. Next to Sarada's Montessori bed, he noticed the shadow that her huge stuffed rabbit was casting by the weak rays of the sun from its huge window, and it had probably scared her.
Sasuke kicked the rabbit lightly so that it wouldn't cast any more shadows, and pointed at the wall for Sarada to see that the shadow that had frightened her had disappeared. He held back from hugging her tightly when she made a cute little beak at the sight of everything. The rabbit, the bed and the wall, as if it was all magic.
"It's gone!", she reacted energetically, raising her little hands up in a 'Where is it? Is it really gone?'. Sasuke didn't hold back that time, just as he never held back in the presence of his daughter and wife.
He simply laughed.
He laughed at Sarada's simple innocence, and at how beautiful his daughter was even when making ordinary gestures. When his reaction calmed down, he saw Sarada squinting at him with her arms crossed, a gesture that reminded him of himself.
Of course, she didn't like it when people laughed at her, but what could he do?
He just wanted to enjoy his daughter to the full.
____________*_____________
Sasuke heard the typical rattle of the door lock, and even if he didn't, he could already feel Sakura's chakra meters away.
Gently getting up from the sofa, so as not to wake his sleeping daughter next to him, he went to meet his wife in the hallway.
"Tadaima."
"Okaeri," he replied, "How are things?".
"As I said they would be. They didn't need me, everyone there was very well trained. There weren't so many wounded, and that's a good thing. I don't know why you insisted that I go," she mumbled with a pout.
"Kakashi asked you to personally attend to the Sand Tracking Team," he replied as if it were obvious.
"And since when do you listen to Kakashi-sensei?", she said in a teasing voice, but still a little annoyed that she had gone along with his persuasion.
"Because only you could gather information about the Border Attack. As much as the Kazekage made it clear to his ninjas to trust me, they wouldn't tell me anything, but they would tell you."
"Are you using me as your source of information?", that question had made him smile, and not even Sakura could hold back a smile, "Shanaroo".
Approaching him, Sakura wrapped her arms around him, laying her head on his chest and smelling his woody scent and the faint smell of sour milk mixed in. Comforted by her routine, she sighed to smell even more of that common scent, but the sadness of remembering that this time would be her last made her thoughts take her to a place she didn't want to go.
"I didn't want to leave you today, there's a reason I asked for time off," she mumbled into his chest.
"You were only gone for four hours," Sasuke decided to ignore her indication, "Sarada woke up minutes after you left, I give her dinner, and she threw up on me, that's what you missed." Sakura wrinkled her nose in disgust – a completely playful act.
"That explains your smell."
"If you're complaining, why are you still clinging to me?", he challenged her, arching an eyebrow.
Punching him playfully in the chest, Sakura turned away from her husband and went to find their daughter still asleep on the sofa. Approaching Sarada as if to wake her up, Sasuke immediately reached out and took her hand. Looking at him completely confused, Sasuke denied it with his head, and only with his gaze, asked her not to wake Sarada.
Still holding her hand, Sasuke kept his gaze on his daughter's sleeping face.
"...Sasuke-kun," Sakura didn't know exactly what he had in mind.
Moving away from Sarada, and closer to Sasuke's face, she then detached her hand from his, and cupped his face with both of hers.
"Why?... You're leaving in a few hours."
"I don't want to say goodbye," he said with a firm voice, but his eyes said something else.
"What about tomorrow? And when she asks me where you are? What am I supposed to say?", she looked distressed.
"I know it's not fair on you... Forgive me for that," and from the tone of his voice, he wouldn't say anything more than that, making her sigh, defeated.
Not knowing what else to say, Sasuke hugged her, and they stayed like that for a long time...
...until he broke the silence.
"I want to remember today as just another ordinary day. I want to remember her smiling... If I say goodbye...", he couldn't finish the sentence, his voice wouldn't allow it either. Luckily for him, Sakura understood him like no one else.
A light knock on the door startled them both, but not enough to wake Sarada from her sleep. They were both so absorbed in their thoughts that they didn't notice the familiar chakra approaching the door.
Sasuke remained in his seat, while Sakura approached the door, and when she opened it, she revealed her friend, Ino Yamanaka.
"Hey, forehead," despite her greeting, Ino's voice was despondent.
"Thanks for that," Sakura thanked her deeply.
Seeing the heavy atmosphere in the living room, Ino entered the house, quickly greeted Sasuke with a nod, and went straight to the little Uchiha asleep on the sofa.
"I'll take her to bed, and I'll stay with her, don't worry," taking Sarada gently on her lap, she noticed Sasuke's gaze on his daughter, and even though she respected Sakura's decision to support her husband's, she couldn't help saying what she thought.
"Are you sure that's what you want? To lose this?", she said quietly so that Sarada wouldn't wake up, "I don't want to interfere in a decision that Sakura supports, and as her best friend, I would never stop supporting her... But that doesn't mean I don't think it's a mistake."
"Ino," Sakura tried to stop her from saying anything more, but to her surprise, it was Sasuke who raised his only hand slightly towards her, asking her to let Ino speak – his face didn't deviate from Ino's gaze once.
"My intention is not to persuade you, because I also understand the reason and the importance of your decision, even if I still think it was a mistake. And really, it made me admire you despite everything you've done... But I just want to ask you one question: What will you do if Sarada never wants to see you again?", that question took Sakura by surprise, as Ino had never verbalized it to her.
In fact, the biggest surprise was that Sakura herself had never considered the possibility. She knew that Sasuke had plans to return, but it had never crossed her mind that the time for her wouldn't be the same for Sarada.
Ten years could pass and the time for her would remain the same, but not for Sarada. Sarada was only 3 years old. Sarada would grow up, learn to throw kunai and shuriken, enter the Ninja Academy, get injured on a Genin mission, stop loving tomatoes and start loving strawberries. Her favorite color could change from gold to red. Sarada would go through changes and develop every day.
Sasuke wouldn't experience these changes.
He would miss out on Sarada's childhood.
And Sarada in turn...
...would forget her father's presence over time.
But that's okay, because she would never let her daughter forget her loving, caring and devoted father. She could show pictures of the family, she could show how happy they were together, and she could always make it clear how much her father loved them and would come home as soon as he could.
But she no longer had any memories in photos.
All memories were lost months ago in the fire at their house in Koamgakure.
She had nothing for Sarada but words and a feeling.
That hurt her like a kunai stuck in her heart.
Would she be able to pass on all her father's love to Sarada?
"I would respect her decision," Sasuke's reply brought her back to the real world, breaking her even more.
Ino looked deeply into Sasuke's eyes, as if searching for some glimmer of indecision, but when she noticed that he had been sincere with his answer, she sighed heavily, as if it bothered her too. Heading for the stairs, she slowly turned to look at him one last time.
"I hope you have the strength to face up to your decision when the time comes," and went upstairs, leaving the Uchiha couple alone in the living room.
Lost in their own thoughts.
____________*____________
"Are you sure you took everything?", Sakura asked him again, not caring if she was annoying him or not with the insistence of the same question.
"I don't have much to take, you know," he replied, but contrary to what she thought, he wasn't annoyed, in fact, he seemed pleased that she was repeating the same question so many times, it prolonged the moment.
"So–"
"I'll write," he cut her off, before she asked another question that made him forget everything he had planned to tell her, "Not as often as before, but I will; and you can contact me through Naruto, it's safer for you that way."
"Sarada...", she wanted to understand.
"It's better that Sarada doesn't know," he said in a sad voice, "It's better... for her... don't you think?", He looked her in the eye, wanting her support for his decision.
Sakura couldn't deny that she understood him, even if it hurt her to keep information about her own father from her daughter.
"It will be easier if she–"
"Forget you?", she added, understanding his line of reasoning.
"It would be less painful," he argued.
"She won't forget you, Anata, and I won't let her either. You'll come back."
"But I can't guarantee when , Sakura," he sounded on the verge of despair.
"But you will," she said resolutely, "I don't know when, but I know you will. The world won't be like this forever, Sasuke-kun. There will come a time when you have nothing left to do, and you will return. When you've done everything in your power, you'll come back. Even if you're far away, never forget that your family is waiting for you."
That seemed to calm him down a little, but his heart was still pounding for the first step.
He didn't want to take the first step, because when he did, he had no idea when he would see them again.
But to his surprise, it was Sakura who made the first move.
He felt the moment her lips found their home.
The moment when their lips touched for a delicate kiss and at the same time gasped for more.
Sasuke threw his cross-body bag on the floor and embraced her with his only arm, giving himself over completely to that kiss.
Neither of them cared that they were at the entrance to Leaf Village, not even the fact that some Border Ninja was probably watching them from some blind spot in the dark of dawn. None of that mattered to them at the moment – prying eyes, gossip, not even knowing that they were showing affection in public.
Neither of them knew when they would feel each other's love again in that way. All they knew was that they would always be in each other's thoughts.
Someone had to take the next step, and if Sakura was the first to do so, he had to be the next. With great effort, he loosened his embrace, and before pulling away, he kissed her forehead for the last time – where the Byakugou seal was – and looking into her eyes once more – onyx and emerald staring into each other's – he felt her hand clasp his tightly, as if to reassure him that everything would be all right, that he could go.
Suddenly, their hands were no longer together, and Sasuke turned away before it was too late – before he gave up his decision and stayed.
He couldn't tell if Sakura was watching him go, but he hoped the distance was enough for her not to notice...
...not notice his slumped shoulders and lowered head.
For the first time since the birth of his daughter, tears were falling down his cheeks. Tears that he had held back for so long since deciding to leave his greatest possessions under the protection of Konoha.
But even with the pain of leaving, of distance, there was something he would carry with him, something Sakura had once said.
The love they had built up was overwhelming and genuine...
...and no distance could destroy that...
...not as long as their feelings were connected .