Chapter Text
Billy didn’t wanna leave. Anything but. But this town wasn’t safe for him anymore, and the Regulators promised a nice boarding house a couple towns over… the one problem was you. He didn’t wanna leave you, his girl, for anything.
Leaving was no question. He’d be a dead man if he stayed. But if he brought her with, then she’d be in danger… The thought of leaving you behind put a hole in his heart and a boulder in his stomach. Oh, what the hell was he meant to do?
He sat on the edge of the bed, pursing his lips and wringing his hands, moonlight filtering through the curtains. Casting a silver glow on your face. Billy had to make a decision, and soon. Preferably tonight… He eyed the closet, in which his packed rucksack was hidden.
Damnit. You deserved a better goodbye than that. But he knew you. If you knew just a lick of the truth, you’d fight your way into coming. And he couldn’t have that. He couldn’t bear putting you in harms way.
Goddamn it all.
The bed creaked, and he threw himself back onto the bed with a heavy sigh, the weight of his decision pressing down on him.
Y/n. The love of his life. The woman he couldn't stay away from even if he tried. The one true good thing in his life, as a matter of fact.
Yet, the thought of dragging you into his messed-up mess of a life, just seemed cruel. He looked over his shoulder at you. Angelic, that’s what you were. Your delicate features dipped in soft moonlight, dancing on your eyelashes and hair. So peacefully asleep. No, he couldn’t disturb you. He once again glanced at the rucksack tucked away in the closet, sitting back up with his socked feet on the ground. Damn this back and forth. He would have to get up from this bed now if he ever wanted to leave… But he kept glancing at you. And it kept conflicting him.
Billy was stubborn, and so were you. The moment he would've told you he was leaving, he was certain you would jump up and pack up your stuff in a heartbeat.
He just wished that once, just once, she would listen to him, take his word for it. He never wanted this life. He never wanted you to have to be a part of it. He’d been selfish to let you in.
He’d die a thousand times over just for her to be happy.
"Damnit all..." He murmured aloud.
He rose from the bed, silently. This was the plan, he supposed. Leave in the dead of night, so as to not alert you. Don’t let you know he was leaving at all. If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t follow him. You’d would be upset, perhaps even angry, but it would pass. The memory of Billy, a man who’d loved you and held you, would pass. he told himself this as he slung the rucksack over his shoulder.
One last look, he told himself. One last one. The woman sent by God himself for him.. And then he would be able to leave.
When he looked, you were a’looking right back.
Shit.
Your soft, doey eyes were half-open, irises shining in the moonlight filtering through the blinds.
He could practically feel your stare burning into him, as if you knew he was about to break every damn promise he'd made to you. Hell, even the ones he'd made silently.
He didn’t even know what was goin’ through his head cause it was all goin’ so fast.
"Y/n..." Billy began. But he didn’t know how to continue.
You pushed yourself up on an elbow, staring at him with narrowed eyes from sleep. Bless, you rubbed the bleariness from your eyes and drew your eyebrows together. Your eyes darted between him and the rucksack.
“Where’re you goin’?” You rasped, mind still groggy. Your eyes settle on the rucksack and it begins to dawn on you, Billy can tell, can see it in your eyes.
Hell, in this moment, he wished he could just shove it back into the closet and pretend he wasn't leaving. Or maybe just run away with you.
But this ain't some damn fairy tale.
"I'm goin'," he said, his tone flat. He didn't want to lie, and he didn’t want to sugarcoat it. He had to be distant, had to make this easier for him to leave.
“Goin’?” You repeated daftly, but you knew. Your heart was clenching in your chest, threatening to choke the voice from your throat. “Goin’?” You repeated again, sitting up fully and putting some force into your voice. What the hell did he mean? You met his soft blue eyes, full of guilt.
He had wanted to leave without any tears. Without any regrets other than the one that involved him leaving. He didn't want to see that look in your eyes. This was for you good, and him too. That’s what he told himself, at least. His heart was going through the wringer.
Maybe he deserved it.
"I have to, y/n." Billy forced out, a firm voice and a roll of the shoulders that he thought might disguise his distress. It didn’t, not to you.
You didn’t say anything for a few moments. You pursed your lips, you tried to open your mouth, you looked between the rucksack and Billy like they were time bombs, you took a sharp breath in, but no words.
What the Hell? After all this? Just ‘going’? Just packing up and leaving, as if he didn’t know how much he really meant in your life?
When you finally spoke, you hated how meek your voice sounded. “You don’t have to.” Who were you kidding? He probably did have to. But you didn’t want him to, and you just wanted him to stay. Even for a minute.
You watched his face fall subtly, in the worst way. His eyes fell to the floor in shame, but a moment later he looked up with some gumption in his voice.
Goddamn it, it was like she wasn't hearing a word he said. How could she even suggest that he stay? If he did, not only would his enemies hunt him down to the grave (Now that they knew where they lived, and who with), but you would be in danger too. He’d open his veins before out you there.
Maybe his tone got just a touch louder than it should have been.
"...Yeah, I do."
A million things were whirring through your mind. Why was he leaving? Where to? Right now? And maybe not the most relevant but the most heartbreaking to you-- "You were gonna go without tellin' me..?" Oh, your voice was so raw. When Billy met your eyes, he suddenly felt heavy in the chest, maybe heavy enough to drop to his knees.
"You'd convince me to stay." His tone was firm but his eyes distraught. This was exactly what he didn't want happening, damnit, your eyes were already convincing him.
You pressed your lips together, feeling tears spring to your eyes. "I thought we were happy." You croaked. Billy’s face fell further, eyes going wide as he crossed the floor and sat on the edge of the bed, his hands coming to your arms. His eyebrows drew together.
"No no no, honey, listen to me. I love you." Billy shook his head, piercing blue eyes unwavering from yours. He squeezed your arms. "I love you, I swear on my life. Don't you ever doubt that. But… Baby, I can't stay."
You turned your face down, grimacing and closing your eyes. Billy tilted his head down to look at you better, thinking those gears and cogs he sees turning are just of processing this... Yeah right. You're smarter than that. He continues. "I can't stay, 'cause if I do, you're in danger, I'm in danger-- I don't give a damn if I'm in danger, we both know I always am. But.. Sweetheart, I'll… I’ll shoot myself twixt the eyes 'fore I put you in a place that you could get so much as a blister."
You look up, eyebrows pressed and lips twisted in a frown. You only see sincerity in his eyes. There's a tear rolling down your cheek, glittering by moonlight, and he leans forward to loving kiss it away. He'd taken your hand, was rubbing his thumb along your knuckles, trying to will away this sadness he knew he'd caused. Atleast if he'd disappeared into the night, he wouldn't have to see your devastation. You're silent now. "'m sorry." He chokes out, and you catch the subtle catch in his voice. Damn this, he thought.
Shaking your head, you sniffle. "Ain’t your fault." You mumble softly, letting him thump his forehead against yours. You'd be bawling if you weren't already thinking three steps ahead of him. "I love you."
Billy doesn't close his eyes like you do, he just stares and stares and he feels his eyes get watery but he don't wipe them. He's committing your features to memory, your face half-illuminated by the moon, cheeks and eyes wet. To him, he's leaving behind the only woman he'd kill for, die for, do anything for. That included leaving her be. "I love you more. I'll love you forever, till I die and then after that. You hear me, y/n?"
A smile spreads across your lips, and he doesn't have the heart to do more than tug the corners of his lips. You cupped his face in your hands, making his stomach flutter with grief. You tilt your chin to kiss him, for what he thinks is the very last time, but speak against his lips, "Go. You bring me with you."
Billy presses your lips together in a slow but passionate kiss, his hand coming up to hold the back of your head. He tilted his head and pushed his tongue into your mouth but not in a rush, instead like he was drinking you in. Committing that taste to memory too, those pillowy soft lips. He kissed you like he'd never be able to again, because... He wouldn't. You and him didn't let go for a very, very long time. When he atleast broke the kiss, only for air (and even not then until he desperately needed it,) Billy's arms had come to wrap around you, his face came to rest in the crook of your neck. And when he pulled away, he looked at you regretfully, eyes wet as he stood. He pressed his lips, bringing a calloused hand to cup your cheek. He stared at your face.
At those brown eyes, her soft lips.
She wasn't trying to stop him. She didn't want him to stay.
His heart nearly broke.
You had taken his face in your hands... touched his cheek with your thumb... He could feel himself wavering, ready to beg for you to come with him.
But, no.
He wasn't going to.
God damn it, she'll be alright.
"I'll take you with me everywhere," he whispered.
..And he left.
Damn him. His foolish ass. The moment he stepped out the door he regretted it but there wasn’t no turning back.
He clicked his tongue and his horse trotted into motion. He took another look over his shoulder at your house. The window, open and curtains flowing with the wind, of your room.
And he left. And he kept leavin’, kept goin’, wherever he was goin’, his head hung and his lips pursed. He never could keep a good thing, could he? Good things could never last. Damn it all.
He had to force the horse forward, the reins in his hands. The wind hit him like a slap in the face. He could barely see, but he didn't want to anyway.
He'd lost the best damn thing in his life, but he just kept going. The horse kicked up dirt behind him as he rode.
He could never keep a damn good thing, even when it was right in front of him…
…Or behind him.
He heart faint hoofbeats. Then louder. Loud enough to permeate those thoughts. His hand right away went to his six-shooter, holstered in his belt.
But when he laid eyes on the rider he’d rather shoot himself twixt the eyes than use it on her. galloping on her Appaloosa, full steam ahead at him.
His heart leapt in his chest, seeing who it was. You were coming for him, and there was no stopping you. Damnit, he thought. She just ain’t ever gonna listen to me, huh?But he loved you. He loved this girl and her stubborn streak. The way you never took his word as command, but as a suggestion.
He let go of the reins on the horse and straightened up in the saddle, waiting for you to get close enough. He had this look on his face, like a love struck fool. When you slowed and were right up next to him, you was smiling at him smugly. Like you’d outsmarted him. Your hand was on the back of the saddle and the other one on your hip as you turned your body to face him.
“Fancy seein’ you!” You hummed, grinning madly. You kicked out a boot to playfully tap his calf.
”What do you think yer doin’?” Billy put a frown on his face, though you were like the image of Mary to him.
You grinned, turning up your chin. “Followin’ you.” The stubbornness on this woman! This beautiful, intelligent, bull-headed woman! With your hair blown by the cool evening breeze you really did look angelic. And when Billy glanced down, he noticed you had traded in your usual dress and corset for trousers and a blouse. Huh. Were those his chaps? He shook the thought off with a scowl.
"What the hell do ya mean you're followin' me?"
He was trying to keep his tone sharp, but all it did was make him sound like an idiot. That damn smile was making him melt like an iceberg.
You cocked an eyebrow, “I’m comin’ with.” As if it was a matter of fact, not of debate. You found a good thing, a damn good thing. You weren’t gonna let it slip away just like that.
He took in a breath to try to keep from saying something stupid. But the way you grinned at him, your eyes twinkling from underneath those eyelashes… “Babydoll, if I let you come with me, you could get hurt… more than hurt. Hell, we could both get killed.”
“Then God strike me down.” You retorted, a defiant jeer. Your expression was like you were having a joke at his expense. You clicked your tongue against your teeth and your horse slowly trotted forward. You looked over your shoulder. “We goin’ or wha’? You just wanna sit and look pretty?”
Billy was just.. shocked. He sat there a moment, wide eyed and lips pressed. He couldn’t put you, his sweet girl, in danger. But… His gaze fell to the grass. Even five minutes under the impression that he’d never see you again made him feel ten years older. Maybe… He could protect you, couldn’t he? Billy’s handsome face was twisted in a frown, conflicted.
"You know it'll be dangerous."
He reached forward and took your hand, then sighed in resignation. But, he couldn't fault you for it. He couldn't fault you for anything. You knew you had him wrapped around your finger the moment those mystifying blue eyes met yours again.
You were the only person that could make him forget everything he had done. "I swear to God, if you get hurt, I'll kill a man with my bare hands." Billy insisted, raising his eyebrows and saying it in a scolding, disapproving tone. Like a real damn gentleman, He thought sarcastically.
You beamed at him as he trotted up next to you. You reached for his hand, squeezing it. “You would, wouldn’t you?”
You were right. He would. He brought your hand to his lips, still staring at you through his eyelashes. Damnit, you were so beautiful in moonlight.
You smiled clear as a bell when Billy kissed the back of your hand, your knuckles. Now you were babbling, explaining your worth as if he wasn’t already convinced. “And you can trust me, baby. I won’t be dead weight, I promise! I know how to shoot, and I can learn everything else fast—I got your back as much as you got mine!”
He waited a moment to respond, taking the time to kiss your hand like it was all he could possibly think of doing to worship every inch of available moonlight-soaked skin. Like he was grateful, like he was thanking God for giving him a second chance by appreciating you.
Billy leaned over the gap between your horses and kissed your knuckles, your fingertips, the insides of your wrist. His hands curled around yours, possessive, not wanting to let go. He lifted his head. "Donchu worry, honey. I ain't going anywhere without you." He shot you a look, adding, “Though I don’t agree with this one bit.”
You shook your head and looked ahead, smiling to yourself. But the road ahead distracted your thoughts. It might be tough. You weren’t sure how far this town was, but you could safely assume at least a handful of miles. And when servants of the law, the sheriff, bounty hunters and the like were all probably after Billy? Tough barely scraped it. You looked at said outlaw, said robber, said shooter, said criminal, who was peppering the backs of your fingers with quick pecks as he watched your thoughtful expression. Said outlaw who was in love with you.
“Well. Lead the way.” You hummed, meeting Billy’s glittering blue eyes. He kicked the heel of his boot against his horse’s hide, spurring it into a trot as his grin widened at you.
”Gladly.”