Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Eunseo handed Seungmin his outfit, he was skeptical. The long-sleeved shirt was very tight and stretchy, and the see-through mesh jacket didn’t go lower than his hips, so it would rise higher when he lifted his arms. The leather pants were familiar, though, so he figured that it wouldn’t be too bad.

“This is a new style for you,” Eunseo, his stylist, told him, “so it might be too small or uncomfortable for you to dance in. Be sure to let me know.”

Seungmin nodded and stepped into the changing stall. He put the pants on first and was surprised; maybe they weren’t the same ones he had worn before. The length was perfect, but they were a little loose around his waist, so he would have to ask for a belt. They might have been stretched out after being worn so many times, as the pant legs were slightly slack as well.

Then he changed into the top half. Just looking at it made him sigh dreadfully. He picked up the shirt by itself and held it up, noticing that, while unstretched, its width was half of his waist’s width. If it was too thin, it might end up being see-through like the jacket. The thought made him a little anxious, but he told himself that it was okay. It was normal for idols to dress like that.

When he slid it over his head, it was softer than he had expected. It hugged his body tightly, like he had expected. The bottom hem reached just underneath the top of his pants, almost exposing his stomach.

Seungmin had always been a little self-conscious about his body. He wasn’t really sure why, but he was, and he didn’t like showing too much skin. He made sure that he was blurred whenever one of his members lifted his shirt on camera, and he had never worn anything revealing; he once wore a cropped shirt that had exposed his stomach for a few seconds when he raised his arms, but Changbin had poked him and he recovered quickly. He laughed it off, of course, but on the inside he was a little ashamed of having let that happen.

He didn’t know if his boyfriends knew about his body image issues, but he hoped that they didn’t, because he didn’t want them to worry or make a big deal out of it. Seungmin wasn’t intimate with them often, but when he was, he kept his top on; he was willing to shower with them, but intimacy was too much with the hands touching his body.

So now, wearing something that could show more than he wanted to show, he was nervous. He was sure that one of the others would be wearing something even more revealing, though, and he knew that most of them had a lot to show off and enjoyed showing it off. Seungmin definitely wasn’t upset about that.

He put the jacket on to complete the look, then he faced the mirror. It didn’t look bad - it actually looked good - but then he reached up and watched as the jacket lifted, then as the shirt rode up to uncover a few centimeters of skin. He just sighed again, accepting his fate.

After doing a few squats, twists, and dance moves, nothing was uncomfortable except for the loose pants. He left the stall and approached Eunseo. She looked him up and down, clicked her tongue, then touched his hips, ignoring his flinch.

“They’re a bit loose,” Seungmin said.

“I can see that. Have you lost weight?” Seungmin shrugged; he hadn’t weighed himself since the last time the company made them. “It seems like you have. That’s good, if you lose a few more kilos you’ll fit in our other outfits better.”

Seungmin’s eyebrows furrowed. They had smaller outfits? Why would they have smaller outfits when most of the members were muscular?

“But don’t worry about it yet,” she continued. “We need this to fit for Friday. After that, work on your figure a bit, maybe get a new diet plan. I can work with you every week if you want.”

Seungmin swallowed thickly. He wasn’t currently on a diet and didn’t want to be on one, but this sounded important.

Someone suddenly burst into the room, and he turned his head to see Changbin entering, looking around at the other stylists in the room. When he found Seungmin, he smiled and walked over.

“Wow, Seungmin-ah,” he commented, eyeing Seungmin’s outfit. Seungmin squirmed. “That looks good on you.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Seungmin mumbled, looking down at where Eunseo was tugging at his waistband, seeing how loose it was. He hoped that Changbin didn’t notice. “Are you trying on your outfit?”

Changbin shook his head. “I did earlier. We’re gonna go out for dinner, so I came to fetch you.”

Seungmin nodded. They often went out to eat when their schedules ended at the same time.

“We just need a few more minutes,” Eunseo interrupted. “You can wait outside if you’d like, Changbin.”

He shook his head. “I’ll stay, it’s fine.”

Eunseo was a little taken aback, which was weird. She nodded before leaving the room to get a belt, and after ensuring that no one was looking, Changbin stepped forward and pecked Seungmin’s cheek.

“You look really hot,” he whispered into the younger boy’s ear. Seungmin blushed and shoved him away.

“Not at work, hyung,” he scolded, wrapping his arms around his waist. Changbin chuckled.

“You’re adorable.”

“Hot or adorable, which is it?”

“Yah,” Changbin scoffed, “you know we can’t pick just one. We should stop complimenting you, you’re getting so entitled.”

Seungmin knew that it was a harmless joke, but after what the stylist had said, it didn’t feel good to hear more of his flaws.

Before they could speak again, Eunseo returned. Seungmin put the belt on and adjusted it.

“Much better,” she hummed, her fingers curled around her chin. “Change back into your clothes, then you’re free to go. Remember what we talked about, yeah?”

Seungmin nodded. He saw the questions in Changbin’s eyes but didn’t want to answer them, so he went back into the changing stall. He got dressed quickly and felt much better in his hoodie, then he left and placed the outfit on the stylist’s chair.

“What did you talk about?” Changbin asked.

“Oh, just… to maintain my body shape for a while. So that the outfit fits.”

Changbin looked confused. “Is that really something you had to talk about? Isn’t that normal?”

Seungmin shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t know.”

He started walking toward the door, and Changbin scrambled to follow him. Seungmin could tell that Changbin wanted to ask more, but he didn’t and instead wrapped an arm around Seungmin’s shoulders, leading him to the car. Seungmin leaned into the touch, feeling a lot more comfortable.

They were taking their eight-seater van, so Seungmin climbed in and found himself in between Hyunjin and Changbin. Hyunjin quickly held his hand.

“How’s your outfit look?” he asked.

“Good.”

“Hot,” Changbin added loudly.

“Ooh, how hot?” Jisung gasped from the back.

“Hotter than his old hot.”

A few of them chuckled, and Seungmin groaned, annoyed by the topic, as he always was.

The car ride was short and noisy, but Seungmin kept his eyes on the scenery passing by. What Eunseo had said to him was a bit insensitive, and he wondered what he looked like to other people. Did he see himself as skinnier than he actually was?

No, he thought. I look fine. My boyfriends like how I look, I shouldn’t change.

Staring at the menu inside the restaurant, however, was a different story. All he could see was how many calories there were, how greasy everything looked, how unhealthy it all sounded. He had absolutely no appetite anymore, and the thought of tasting any of it made him grimace.

So, he ordered a salad. The others were distracted by each other, but Chan’s head turned Seungmin’s way, and he averted his gaze. Chan didn’t say anything.

When the waiter set the bowl of salad in front of Seungmin, saying that the others’ orders would be out shortly, they all stared at him.

“Why’d you get a salad?” Jisung asked, almost in disgust.

“I had a big lunch, I’m not very hungry. Plus, we’ve all been cheating a bit too much.”

“We have not!” Felix protested.

“We kind of have,” Minho deadpanned, his cheek squished on his palm.

Seungmin stopped listening after that, not really caring about whatever argument he had started. He picked at his food before remembering that he was the only one eating and they could all see him, then he took a few bites, eating slowly. It was flavorless on his tongue.

Eunseo had told him to not worry about dieting yet, but would starting now really cause his outfit to not fit? It was Tuesday, so there were only a few days left until their performance. He was probably going to meet with her again over the weekend. What would she think if he ended up losing just a little bit of weight? He couldn’t lose more than half a kilogram in three days, right?

“Seungmin?” He looked up and saw Jisung sitting beside him, whispering so as to not alert the others. He was chewing, and Seungmin only now realized that the others had received their food. “You okay?”

Jisung rubbed his thigh, and Seungmin fought the urge to move away.

“I’m fine. Why?”

Jisung shrugged. “You’re spacing out. Is something on your mind?”

Seungmin shook his head. “Just Friday, I guess.”

“You’re gonna do great, Minnie,” Jisung encouraged, sensing some sort of insecurity. “Your voice sounds gorgeous. STAY is gonna go crazy.”

Seungmin smiled shyly, but he wasn’t worried about his voice. He knew that he would do well in that department.

“Thanks, Sungie,” he said anyway, not wanting to be suspicious. He tried to focus again and eat more, and Jisung’s hand eventually left him. He hated that he relaxed without it.

The rest of dinner went by slowly. Seungmin forced himself to finish his food - at least until there was only one layer of salad covering the bottom of the bowl. He drank half of his water just before they all got up to leave. Jisung looked over at him again, but then he was swept away by Minho, thankfully.

They had the same seats as before in the car. Everyone was just as rowdy as they were an hour ago, and Seungmin could feel an ache building in his head. He had lied about eating a lot for lunch, and he hadn’t had time for breakfast in the morning. He ate a protein bar in the afternoon, and he typically ate larger dinners than a simple salad, so the lack of nutrients must be getting to his body.

Per Felix’s request, they all watched a movie when they got home. Seungmin sort of wanted to say no and go to bed early, but he also wanted to be around his boyfriends whom he hadn’t seen for a majority of the day. He snuck into the bathroom to take pain medicine for his headache, and when he returned, there was only one seat left in the living room - between Jeongin and the corner of the L-shaped couch. It wasn’t a lot of space, but Seungmin thought he could squeeze in, and the extra contact wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. He ended up with his legs thrown over Jeongin’s lap and the maknae fiddling with his fingers, which was surprisingly soothing.

Seungmin tried to just relax; other than the performance on Friday and its preparations, they didn’t have a whole lot going on currently, so he shouldn’t be stressing himself out. He enjoyed the movie, and when Felix rested his head in his lap, he stroked the older boy’s hair. Felix’s content smile made Seungmin feel a lot better.

---

Seungmin thought that he would feel fine for the next few days, but he was wrong. Every time he looked at food he remembered what Eunseo had said, and his appetite was at an all-time low. He had to eat, he knew, but the experience was nowhere near as plentiful as it used to be.

He tried to drink more water throughout the day even though that meant more bathroom breaks. He only ate when the members were around or before dance practice, not wanting to make himself feel even worse.

On Friday, however, he made sure to eat enough protein and nutrients to perform well. That was more important than anything else, and he would be stupid to prioritize his eating habits instead.

But then they were in the green room and received their outfits. Seungmin had almost forgotten about how revealing his was. He hoped that Chan or Felix had something that showed more skin so that the attention wouldn’t have a chance of being on him; their bodies were much more desirable to the audience, and everyone knew that.

He put the clothing on quickly, and when he fastened the belt, it was different. He had marked the hole for the size he needed a few days ago, but now it was too loose. How was it too loose? He tightened it one more, then another. It fit now, but the waistband was more bunched up than it used to be. His breath caught.

Was she going to be mad at him? She had told him not to lose any weight, but he must have. He wasn’t supposed to.

He had to suck it up. They didn’t have a lot of time to waste, and he wouldn’t even see her before the performance. It would be fine.

Yet when he left the changing stall, Eunseo was standing next to it with her arms crossed, like she had been waiting for him. He paused before continuing until he stood in front of her. She hummed and didn’t greet him before reaching out to touch his waistband. He sucked in a breath as her fingers grazed his skin through the thin shirt.

She looked up at him. “Why are they bunched up?”

All of the color drained out of his face. “Um… I don’t—I don’t know.”

She tugged at it a little bit. “Did you lose weight?”

Seungmin didn’t answer, and she rested her hands on his waist and squeezed. He had never felt this uncomfortable in his life.

“You can’t be so careless,” she scolded. “I told you to wait, you have to wait. I’m glad that you know that you have to lose weight, but you have to listen to me. And now your outfit is ruined!”

She wasn’t speaking loudly, but she was speaking harshly. Seungmin curled his arms into his chest and tried to look anywhere that wasn’t at her, but he couldn’t escape her piercing gaze.

“It’s too late to do anything now. You’ll have to deal with it. If I get any backlash about how you look, I am the one who will be blamed, and it will all be your fault. What if I lose my job because of you? What would I do then?”

Seungmin had never thought about it like that, but he should have. The stylists had a huge role in how they were presented both as a group and individually, and almost everything was their design and arrangement. They were the ones who would get in trouble for his visible flaws, not him.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin whispered, feeling terrible. She finally let go of him, and he released a long breath.

“It’s already done, Seungmin. I want to see you after you perform, so we can discuss this further.”

Seungmin nodded. She just shook her head in disappointment and walked away. Seungmin felt like he couldn’t breathe.

After a minute, he returned to the green room, as people started filing into the hallway and only the members were in the green room. They were all there when he walked in, and Minho was standing to his left near the door. He must have caught the older boy’s attention quickly, as Minho was in front of him in an instant.

“Changbin wasn’t lying,” Minho said, raising an eyebrow. “You do look pretty hot.”

Seungmin flushed, feeling a little discombobulated by going from the stylist’s behavior to his boyfriend’s. Minho held his waist - just like she had - and pulled him into a kiss. Seungmin was tense and uncomfortable, but Minho didn’t seem to notice. After all, why would Seungmin be uncomfortable with his boyfriend? He shouldn’t be, and he didn’t want to be. The kiss was a little comforting, at least.

“Why don’t they dress you like that more often?” Felix whined from behind Minho, a pout firm on his lips. “You look so good!”

Now everyone’s attention was on Seungmin, and he really didn’t like it, even if their eyes were filled with awe and a little lust.

Minho gently squeezed, and he jolted. “Your waist is so tiny. Has it always been this tiny?”

Seungmin was used to being teased like this, but it felt different this time; not only was he very uncomfortable, but there was a glint in Minho’s eyes that wasn’t playful.

Minho’s words caused the others to congregate around them, and Seungmin backed up, trying to play it off.

“Yah, knock it off,” he said half-jokingly, swatting their hands away. “We’ve got work to do. You can look later.”

They all took that as a promise, it seemed, and returned to where they had been originally. Seungmin was only more anxious about what he had just done to his future self, but he had to hide it.

They got their makeup done and their microphones set up, then they were ready to go on stage. Seungmin was buzzing with nerves, and it must have been too visible, as someone put their hand on his back.

“You ready?” Chan asked over all of the commotion. Seungmin nodded. “You’ve got this. We’re all warmed up and we’ve done this before. Just feel the rhythm and enjoy this, yeah?”

He nodded again. Chan rubbed his shoulder before letting go, and Seungmin took a deep breath, quickly shaking out his limbs. Chan was right, he could do this.

The performance was good - well, as good as he had expected it to be. He sang perfectly fine, but he was too conscious of his body while dancing. He felt like he was exposed throughout the whole duration. There were a few moves where he lifted his hands well above his head, and he could feel the chilly air on a strip of his stomach. It made his steps falter slightly every time, fighting the urge to cover himself. Seungmin knew that Minho noticed when the older boy’s eyes were locked on him during the walk back to the green room.

“Great job everyone!” Chan exclaimed, clapping his hands once. “Now, let’s get ready so we can go home quickly.”

Everyone gave their sound of agreement before starting to change. Seungmin left for the changing room alone, just aching to get out of his clothes. Before he made it there, he saw Eunseo in the hallway, and he had a strong feeling that he was done for.

“This shouldn’t take long,” she said with a sneering tone. Seungmin looked down at his feet. “Seeing as you think you can do what you want when you want, I’m going to help monitor your progress. We can’t let you slack off anymore. Your next performance is in three weeks, and I am expecting you to be able to wear what I want you to wear. Is that clear?”

Seungmin just nodded, not knowing what else to do. He felt like she was doing a little too much, but if this was for the betterment of the company and the styling department, he had to abide by her rules.

“Come see me in a few days. You aren’t the only thing on my plate. You’ve already lost weight that you weren’t supposed to, so you should be able to lose the same amount, right?”

Seungmin nodded again, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t even know how much weight he was losing because he wasn’t trying to lose any; he just wasn’t hungry anymore.

She sent him on his way, and he almost felt nauseous. He wasn’t sure what she wanted from him - to lose weight, sure, but what else? How much weight? For what outfit? Why?

He changed quicker than ever before into his sweatshirt and sweatpants, tightening the drawstring as much as he could. He had to sit down for a minute to catch his breath, almost feeling like he was going to cry. He didn’t want to do this. He wanted to say no. He knew that he couldn’t, but he wanted to.

He finally got up and bundled his outfit into a tight ball, not caring what she would think about its appearance later. He never wanted to see it again. Frustrated, he made his way back to the green room quickly and just threw the clothes onto the pile of folded clothes that the other members had already gotten rid of. He looked up and saw Minho sitting on the bench closest to him, a curious look in his eye.

“What took you so long?”

Seungmin gulped. “Was talking to my stylist.”

“Oh. What did she say?”

He took a deep breath. “She likes the style she chose today, so she might reuse the clothes later.”

He probably shouldn’t have used that as his excuse seeing as he absolutely hated the thought, but it was the only thing on his mind right now. He went across the room to gather his things, and when he shouldered his bag and turned around, Minho was folding Seungmin’s rumpled clothes.

“This is insane,” Minho said with a chuckle, stretching the fabric of the shirt. “It feels comfortable, though.”

Seungmin just nodded. Minho finished up within seconds and held out his hand, waiting patiently for Seungmin to take it.

“You seemed off today,” Minho said as they started walking. “Why were you so nervous?”

Seungmin shrugged, his new go-to action. “I don’t know. I think I just had a weird day.”

Minho nodded. Seungmin thought that he had more to say, probably about Seungmin’s performance, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin said quietly. “I know I messed up the dance.”

Minho sighed. “Don’t apologize. I doubt anyone in the audience noticed. You did everything else perfectly, so it’s okay.”

It was okay, it wasn’t good. Maybe it would never be good.

“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” Minho continued. “We’ve got plenty of time to practice and relax before our next stage.”

Did they? Seungmin had a new assignment that he was pretty sure no one else had; he didn’t think he would be relaxing as much as he wanted to.

They met the other members in the lobby, and Seungmin could already hear fans outside the door. Once all eight of them were present, security began shuffling them out in a tight, single-file line. The van felt so close yet so far, and Seungmin was already too on edge to be the slightest bit comfortable. The fans seemed nice, though, and kept their distance, so it didn’t take long for all of the members to pile into the vehicle.

Seungmin had a window seat in the far back with Minho on his right side. He rested his forehead on the cool glass and sighed quietly, completely exhausted. His stomach rumbled, and he subtly pressed his hand against it.

Everyone was quiet, a sharp contrast to the past few days. When they entered the dorm, Chan announced that they were all going to eat dinner after showering. The thought of food was absolutely repulsing to Seungmin, but he couldn't outright say that. He was second in line for his shower, so he sat with the others in the kitchen until Felix was finished.

“Is it just me or was the venue weird today?” Jeongin asked curiously. Jisung nodded.

“Yeah, it had a weird vibe and structure. The staff there were weird too, kinda like they haven’t met idols before.”

The others agreed. Seungmin hadn’t noticed any of that, but he nodded anyway.

Felix entered the kitchen within ten minutes, and Seungmin left as soon as he could. He planned on taking a few-minute shower, then going to sleep. He felt like a zombie as he grabbed some clothes and a towel before going into the bathroom. It wasn’t humid at all, so Felix must have taken a chilly shower, and Seungmin had the same idea. He stripped and turned on the water, then he glanced at the mirror. He even looked like a zombie.

When he turned to get in, his eyes caught on the scale between the sink and the toilet. It had dust on it from being unused, as none of them needed to know their weight; the company had mandatory health screenings every few months. But that had been weeks ago, and everything was different now.

He barely thought as he stepped onto it. The numbers fluctuated before settling on a number.

Fifty-nine kilograms. Was that bad? Eunseo had made it seem bad. He had always been told that he was a healthy weight for his height, age, and activity level, but maybe he was on the upper end of the scale.

I can do it, he told himself. I can lose weight and be healthy.

He took a fast shower, and when he got to his room, he closed the door and towel-dried his hair. He shared a room with Minho and Hyunjin, and he knew that they were going to shower very soon, but he didn’t care if they found him in bed. Everyone was tired.

Seungmin curled up underneath his blanket, adding a throw blanket when it wasn’t warm enough. He faced away from the door and hugged his second pillow, wrapping his arms and one leg around it. This was the quickest way for him to fall asleep.

He was still awake when the door opened, sadly. He waited for them to come to him, and when a hand touched his shoulder, he opened his eyes and turned his head. It was Hyunjin, who must have already showered due to his damp hair.

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asked quietly, concern evident in his expression.

Seungmin nodded. “Tired.”

“Are you not eating dinner? You should after a performance.”

“Not hungry.”

“But Minnie…”

“Please, Jinnie. I’ll eat more in the morning. I just wanna sleep.”

Hyunjin’s eyes softened. He leaned down and hugged Seungmin loosely, pressing kisses to his cheeks, lips, and nose.

“I love you. Sweet dreams.”

“Love you.”

Hyunjin pecked his forehead before standing, and Seungmin missed his warmth. He watched Hyunjin walk to the door, then he rolled back over, shuddering. He was alone again, and for some reason, it was a deeper kind of loneliness - the kind that came with a previous sadness that just wouldn’t go away. Tears sprang to his eyes again, and he let a few out this time, drying them on his pillows.

Tomorrow would be different; tomorrow would be better.

---

The next day wasn’t much different sans his schedule. He was a little relieved that he didn’t have to see his stylist for a few more days, but he still had his assignment to do, yet he didn’t know how far he had to go. Maybe losing half a kilogram would be enough for her. That sounded doable.

He ate a cheesy egg sandwich for breakfast, as it was literally shoved into his hands by Minho. The others knew that he skipped out on dinner, and Hyunjin wasn’t one to let things go, so he must have told them to ensure that Seungmin ate. He ate it slowly, but he ate it. Felix, who was sitting at the counter, looked happy when Seungmin stood to clear his plate. Seungmin wished he felt the same.

“Yah, Seungmin-ah!” someone shouted from their bedroom. Seungmin sighed before following the voice, and he found Jisung sitting on his bed with his phone.

“What?”

“Check this out.” Seungmin walked closer and Jisung thrusted his phone in his face. “They’re going nuts.”

Seungmin’s eyes eventually focused on the screen, and he realized that it was Twitter. It was under Seungmin’s name, because apparently he was trending. Jisung scrolled for him, and he stopped breathing.

The same clip was seen over and over again from different angles on different accounts - the clip of Seungmin raising his arms, of Seungmin’s sliver of skin, which was larger than he had thought it was. His belly button was even poking out.

“I think the fans have been waiting for this,” Jisung chuckled, taking his phone back. He didn’t notice Seungmin’s displeasure. “I’m definitely not complaining, that’s for sure. Minho hyung said you’re gonna wear that outfit more often, and that’s a great idea.”

Seungmin didn’t think so. Seungmin really didn’t think that it was a great idea. He had never told his boyfriends that he didn’t want to show skin on camera so openly, but he had figured that they knew anyway. Jisung’s behavior was telling him the opposite.

“Yeah,” Seungmin agreed apprehensively, clearing his throat. “It’s comfortable too, so…”

Jisung nodded and looked back up at him with a smile. “Seriously, Minnie, you look amazing, in and out of those clothes.”

Seungmin blushed. Jisung was good at giving compliments, as he loved receiving them and followed the Golden Rule. Some of them still hadn’t gotten used to it, Seungmin included.

Hyunjin came barreling into the room, making a loud noise as he slammed into the doorway.

“Minnie! Did you see Twitter?”

Oh no. Seungmin knew that everyone could see it, obviously, but how much was he trending for it to be on so many people’s feed?

“I just showed him,” Jisung informed. “He looks amazing.”

“More than amazing. He looks like an angel.”

Seungmin didn’t like the topic, but he also didn’t like that they were talking about him like he wasn’t there. He didn’t want them to talk about him in general, really, so hearing this made him feel uneasy.

Jeongin appeared behind Hyunjin. “Hyungs, did you see—”

“Yes,” Seungmin groaned, tilting his head back and closing his eyes, “we’ve seen it. Why are you all getting it at the same time?”

“Notifications,” they all responded simultaneously. Seungmin didn’t have any notifications, and he wondered whom exactly they were following on Twitter.

Seungmin rolled his eyes and shoved his way out of the room, ignoring the squawks he heard in retaliation. He went to his own room and closed the door, leaning back against it. He couldn’t go back in time - to do what, he didn’t know - and he couldn’t alter anything currently. He didn’t have the power or authority. He had to accept it. And he could for a while, until they saw fans in person again and all that they could see and remember was Seungmin’s skin. It was probably ingrained in their heads already.

Someone shouted down the hallway that they were leaving in fifteen minutes, so Seungmin tried to distract himself by getting ready, but there was only so much he could do. Every time he passed one of his boyfriends, they sent him a look to show that they knew, and Seungmin figured that they were having not-so-innocent thoughts. As long as they didn’t act on anything, he was fine with it.

Thankfully, no one else said anything, and they made it to the company easily. Seungmin’s first schedule was a private lesson with his vocal instructor, so he parted ways early along with 3RACHA as they went to their own studio. Just before Seungmin got to his instructor’s room, a tall woman walked around the corner in front of him. It was his stylist.

Seungmin froze in place when she approached him, checking out his baggy outfit from top to bottom, clearly scrutinizing. Seungmin didn’t understand why.

“I’d like to get some measurements so we can see what we’re working with,” she said plainly. “Come on.”

She started walking away, and Seungmin followed for a few steps.

“But I—”

“We don’t have a lot of time, Seungmin. Let’s go.”

Seungmin should have said no. He should have just gone into the studio instead. He should have argued for his point. But she was stern and powerful, and after their chat yesterday, he knew that he had a lot of work to do. There wasn’t a reason for her to lie to him. She just wanted him to wear her styles so that he would look good on stage; who was he to deny her of that?

So he walked behind her through the hallways for a few minutes, then they stopped in front of a door. She unlocked it and entered, waited for Seungmin to join her, then she closed it. Seungmin couldn’t tell if she locked it or not, but he really hoped that she didn’t. It was a fairly small room with a few chairs, a few mirrors, and clothes all over the place, brightening up the view.

She led him to a corner where there was a cloth measuring tape.

“We technically already have your measurements,” she said, “but since you lost weight, we need to redo them.”

Seungmin just nodded, too nervous to do anything else. That made sense; they needed to know his size so they could properly dress him. He set his bag down and took off his jacket. She turned back toward him and paused, looking at him incredulously.

“Lift your shirt,” she ordered. “You know that the fabric adds onto your measurement. Stop trying to cheat your way through this.”

Seungmin’s breath caught in his throat. How was that cheating? They had never asked him to take his shirt off before, saying that the extra tenth of a millimeter meant absolutely nothing. But Seungmin had never done this with her before, so she had a different technique, that was all.

He lifted his shirt and stared at the ceiling. He flinched at the chilliness of the measuring tape and involuntarily sucked in his stomach when he felt her fingers touch his skin. She lightly punched his sensitive ribs, and he jerked.

“Knock it off.”

Seungmin knew what she was talking about, so he relaxed his muscles as much as he could. When she got the measurement, she clicked her tongue and let go of him, but he didn’t let his shirt down yet. He didn’t want to be yelled at again. She wrote on a piece of paper beside her, then turned back to him.

“Hips.” She pointed at him before flicking her finger down. Seungmin started shaking his head, and she scoffed. “Just your pants, Seungmin. Stop being dramatic.”

Gulping, he nodded and lowered his pants, letting his shirt fall. It covered his hips, so he quickly took hold of it again. Eunseo hummed approvingly, and Seungmin settled slightly knowing that he was doing something right.

She measured his biceps next, then forearms, then arm length, then chest. It wasn’t as bad as it was before. But when she got to his legs, he had to raise the hem of his boxers. Feeling her touching him in such a personal manner made him nauseous, but he fought through it. It was necessary.

Then she measured his inseam. Seungmin had never liked this part, and he had a feeling that it was going to be even worse this time. Her hand was so, so close to him that he could almost feel it through his boxers, and he was as stiff as a board, digging his toes into the soles of his shoes. The fact that she could not only see his skin but feel it as well was almost terrifying, but Seungmin wasn’t completely sure why.

After measuring his calves and leg length, she told him to redress, and he did so quicker than ever before.

“They aren’t perfect, but they’ll do,” Eunseo said thoughtfully, staring at the paper. “I can work with this. We’ll remeasure later, maybe next week.”

Next week? Why so soon? It didn’t seem necessary, but Seungmin was supposed to lose weight, which would change his proportions.

“Weigh yourself real quick, then I’ll get you some clothes to try on.”

Seungmin didn’t want to try on clothes - there was no point if he wasn’t going to wear them for a performance within the next week - but she was still stern and persistent.

She led him to a scale on the other side of the room, similar to the one in the dorm. Did he really have to weigh himself again?

“I was fifty-nine kilos last—”

“I don’t care what you were, I want to know what you are,” she scowled, glaring. “Go on.”

Seungmin sighed and stepped onto the scale. He watched the numbers stop on a slightly different number from before. Fifty-nine-point-two.

“We’ll have to get that down,” Eunseo commented nonchalantly, writing more on the paper. “It shouldn’t be too difficult.”

Seungmin didn’t know what too difficult was in her standards, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out. Was he really that heavy?

She hopped over to a clothing rack, clearly enjoying herself. Seungmin had never seen her happy before, but this was the closest instance. What exactly was she enjoying? Measuring someone? Sifting through clothes? Being in total control?

She threw outfits at him one after another, giving him a minute in between to change. He was worried about undressing in front of her - although he technically already had - but she was too focused on picking out more clothes to watch Seungmin constantly.

If she deemed an outfit too big, she placed it on the chair to her left; if she deemed an outfit too small, she placed it on the chair to her right; if she deemed an outfit the right size, she placed it on the table behind her. Surprisingly, most options were too small. They weren’t painful to wear, but some were uncomfortable or just very stretchy. Some were even comfortable, and Seungmin tried to keep track of which articles he liked.

After trying on a countless amount of clothes, she was finished with him.

“This was a good start,” she said happily, smiling. “I’m excited to work with you, Seungmin.”

Seungmin wished he could say the same.

“Thank you, noona-nim,” he said in response, bowing politely. She nodded, again approving of his action, and he was going to remember to bow next time as well.

When she told him to leave for his next schedule, he zipped his jacket up as high as he could and put his backpack on. He waited until he was in the hallway before checking his phone.

His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. That had taken two-and-a-half hours. His vocal lesson was only supposed to be one. He frantically checked his schedule to see where he was supposed to be, praying that he was on some sort of break or solo private schedule, but he wasn’t. A full-group practice had started an hour ago, and he had a few missed calls and text messages from his boyfriends asking where he was.

Seungmin had been skipping schedules, like one would skip school, except this was much worse. This was his career, his life, his joy; how could he be so careless?

Half of him wanted to just not show up at all, too embarrassed and scared, but the other half wanted to show up and work harder than anyone else, to stay an extra few hours to make up for it.

No matter what, he was going to be scolded, so it was best to go to the practice room now and get it over with. He speed-walked there and made it in five minutes, then he paused outside of the door. He could hear muffled music, and when he looked through the door’s window, he saw them all dancing together. They looked amazing; they looked complete.

Did they need Seungmin?

He quickly shook the thought out of his head. They were his boyfriends and group members, of course they needed him. Right?

Seungmin pushed the door open, trying to distract himself. Everyone stopped moving and stared back at him, no one smiling like they usually would when one of them showed up. Seungmin averted his gaze and went to the couch to set his bag down, then Chan approached him.

“Where have you been?” the leader asked quietly like he didn’t want the others to hear, but it was obvious that they were listening anyway. Seungmin didn’t speak, staring at his feet. “Your instructor called me and said that you didn’t show up to your lesson, but I remember walking that way with you. Where did you go?”

Seungmin didn’t know what to say. Guilt was eating him alive, pushing a lump into his throat.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, barely making a sound.

“You’re not gonna tell me?”

Seungmin hesitated before shaking his head. He was only making things worse, but for some reason he didn’t want to tell them that he had been with his stylist. He shouldn’t have prioritized her over everything else, but he felt like he didn’t have a choice.

Chan sighed disappointedly. Seungmin absolutely despised disappointing anyone, his boyfriends especially, and he had never done something this bad. He wanted to throw up.

“Stretch and warm up, then join us,” Chan told him coldly, walking back to the others who had all been watching.

Seungmin turned away from them and pretended to look through his bag, trying to catch his breath. His chest was aching and burning, and he felt a little dizzy, so he quickly grabbed his water bottle and drank some. It soothed his throat slightly, but he still felt terrible for everything.

He willed himself to face them while he sat down to stretch. They continued to look flawless as they danced, a few glancing at him intermittently while he pointedly avoided their gazes. Seungmin took his time warming up, hoping that no one noticed.

Seungmin waited for them to finish a section before joining them. He received small smiles from Hyunjin, Felix, and Jeongin, but the others either didn’t look at him or frowned - or both.

Seungmin tried his best, and he thought that it showed despite his few fumbles. He kept getting distracted by his own brain - memories from earlier, what his stylist thought of him, what was to come. He was too anxious to pay full attention.

“Seungmin.” He was knocked out of his thoughts, and looked up to see Minho staring at him through the mirror, everyone stopped while Chan adjusted the music. “Try to focus more, okay?”

It sounded soft, but it hit Seungmin hard. He knew that he wasn’t doing well enough; maybe he had never done well enough. His boyfriends were too kind to tell him that directly.

Nonetheless, he listened and tried harder. He thought that Minho was satisfied because he heard no more criticism.

The practice was Seungmin’s last schedule. It would end at five p.m., giving him the evening off. 3RACHA would be in the studio for hours, but he wasn’t sure about the others.

When it finally ended, he wanted to collapse onto the floor and take a nap. He didn’t know why he was so tired. He trudged over to his bag and chugged some water, then he sat on the couch. The others were bustling around them, but no one spoke to him. He had an idea of why.

“We’re off,” Chan announced, walking backwards to the door with Changbin and Jisung.

“Let us know when you come home,” Minho said, waving. Chan nodded, then the three were gone. “Jeongin, what’s your schedule like after this?”

Jeongin glanced at Seungmin. “I have vocals for an hour and a half, then I might visit 3RACHA hyungs. Other than that, I’m done.”

Minho nodded. “Us three have to meet with the choreographer in a bit, and that’ll take a couple of hours. Seungmin, what about you?”

“I’m done now,” he mumbled. Minho eyed him for a few seconds like he didn’t believe him. Like he didn’t trust Seungmin.

“Okay. Just let us know where you’ll be if you don’t go home, okay?”

Seungmin nodded, almost feeling like a child being supervised by an adult. He missed one lesson and was late to practice one time. Was it that big of a deal?

Jeongin left a few minutes later, but the three dancers were staying for thirty more minutes. Seungmin considered leaving to shower and head back to the dorm, but he was curious about what they would say to him, if anything.

“Any dinner plans?” Hyunjin asked from the floor, looking around at everyone.

“I might cook,” Minho said tiredly. “I don’t know what, though.”

“I want to bake if we get home early enough,” Felix added, squirming restlessly. “I’ve been meaning to, but I haven’t had time.”

“You know that’s not dinner, right?”

Felix rolled his eyes. “Yes, hyung, I do. Minnie, what about you?”

Seungmin felt like the atmosphere shifted slightly, but he wasn’t sure. “Um… I don’t really care.”

He didn’t want to talk about food. He still wasn’t hungry, even though he was supposed to eat an early lunch between vocals and practice. He wasn’t feeling up to dinner. He had had such a weird and disturbing day; he just wanted to shower and sleep.

“I’m gonna head home,” Seungmin announced, standing with his bag. He was hit with a sudden dizzy spell, barely managing to hide his reaction.

“Okay,” Minho said. “Just get some rest.”

Even though you already have, Seungmin heard. Truly, it had been the opposite of “rest.”

He decided to use the company shower, as he knew that he would want to skip cleaning up once he saw a bed or couch at home. The moment he left the practice room, however, he was on edge. He had run into his stylist earlier; what if that happened again?

Seungmin rushed to the showers, releasing a long breath when he made it unscathed. He shouldn’t be this nervous inside of the company building. He had been here almost every day for years, it wasn’t like everything was going to change suddenly.

He took a quick shower, just like the night before, and found a driver to bring him to the dorm. The process was smooth, and he thanked the driver as he got out and entered the dorm building. He didn’t like the silence; it was unusual, and after everything that had happened today, it was lonely. But he didn’t want to be around his boyfriends right now, because he knew that they were still disappointed.

Seungmin went straight to his bedroom. There was nothing else to do, so he just wanted to sleep. He toed off his shoes and dropped his things beside his bed, then he lay down on the mattress face-first. He wasn’t expecting to fall asleep so soon, but he was glad that he did.

He woke up when someone shook his shoulder. Peeling his eyes open, he saw Chan kneeling in front of him.

“Hey, Minnie,” Chan whispered. “You should probably wake up or you won’t be able to sleep tonight. It’s nine.”

That was true. Seungmin rolled over and sat up, rubbing his eyes. Chan crawled onto the bed with him, sitting against the headboard.

“I actually wanted to talk to you,” he said hesitantly. Seungmin looked back in confusion until he remembered what had happened earlier, then he scooted backward.

“What?”

“Why didn’t you go to vocals this morning?”

Seungmin sighed, picking at his nail beds. “I had… something else to do.”

“And you did that instead of your schedule?” He nodded. “You shouldn’t do that without telling anyone. Can you at least tell me where you were?”

Seungmin shook his head dejectedly, and Chan wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"I love you, you know that. You can tell me anything. It really worries me when I don't know where you are, baby."

Seungmin nodded, facing his lap. He didn't want to worry them more than necessary. "It's..."

He was going to hate himself.

"It's a surprise."

"Oh?" Chan raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. A surprise." Chan smiled warmly.

Seungmin hated himself.

"Okay," Chan whispered, kissing the side of Seungmin's head. "I won't ask more, then. But that isn't an excuse to not do your work, okay? Unless your instructor knows and is okay with it, try to work on that outside of your schedule."

Seungmin nodded. If he were actually preparing a surprise, he would definitely not do it during his schedule, and Chan knew that. That was why Chan was still confused, and Seungmin could tell that he was.

“Come on,” Chan said, standing. “We brought home dinner.”

Seungmin paused. He had a new assignment, and it was best to start early.

“I made some rice earlier, I’m not hungry yet.”

Chan stared at him for a few seconds before grabbing his arm and hauling him up to his feet. “At least spend some time with us, yeah? You didn’t eat with us last night either.”

Seungmin hadn’t even thought about that - about how he was separating himself from his boyfriends. He didn’t want to do that, he never wanted to do that.

“Okay,” he responded, although it meant nothing as Chan dragged him out of the room. The others were already sitting around the table with full plates, chatting loudly and digging in. They looked up when the two entered but didn’t stop talking.

“Sit here,” Chan said, guiding Seungmin to a chair between Hyunjin and Felix. The older boys smiled at him as he joined them, and he returned it tiredly.

“Dish up,” Hyunjin told him, gesturing to the empty plate in front of Seungmin.

“Oh, I had some food earlier, so I’m just hanging out.”

Hyunjin nodded, believing him, and Seungmin was relieved. He listened to the conversations around him, still a little tired, and tried to ignore the distinct smell of fried chicken in the air. Seungmin loved fried chicken. Why did they have to have it while he was trying to lose weight?

After ten minutes, Seungmin couldn’t take it anymore. Although starting early was a good idea, starting a day late wasn’t too big of a deal, right? He reached out and pulled a wing out of the bucket, bringing it up to his lips. The scent made his mouth water.

He took a bite and almost groaned. He felt like they hadn’t had chicken in months.

He allowed himself to eat a second wing, then a third. He forced himself to stop, knowing that it was bad for him, and his boyfriends were beginning to clear their plates.

“You can never resist chicken, huh?” Felix smirked as they both stood. Seungmin rolled his eyes, but those words made him feel a little uneasy, like he would literally never be able to resist chicken, and he wouldn’t be able to lose enough weight because of that, and Eunseo was going to be mad at and disappointed in him, just like his boyfriends.

Seungmin swallowed thickly and made quick work of putting his dish in the dishwasher with the others. He heard something about watching television and something about just going to sleep, and since no one was talking to him, he decided to just leave. The chicken had tasted delicious, but now it sat heavily in his stomach.

He went to his bedroom and sat on his bed with his phone. No one entered even fifteen minutes later, and he could hear noise from the living room. He wondered what they were thinking - that Seungmin was tired? That Seungmin didn’t want to be with them? That they didn’t want Seungmin with them because of what had happened earlier? Seungmin wouldn’t be totally surprised if that was the case, but he would definitely be upset.

After forty minutes of watching music videos and performances, Seungmin felt something push at his throat. He stiffened in panic when a gag almost forced its way out of his chest. He slapped a hand over his mouth and stood, not sure what was going to happen, but then everything stopped. His stomach stopped twisting and his throat stopped convulsing. He was fine again.

Seungmin dropped back onto his bed, breathing heavily. Why was he so nauseous? It wasn’t like he hadn’t eaten chicken before. It had only been four days since eating started becoming a chore, not weeks. He shouldn’t be feeling like this.

It was going to be a long, long week.

Chapter Text

It was truly a long week. Everything was different now compared to how it had been just a few weeks ago. He wasn’t feeling well in so many ways; his stomach wouldn’t stop grumbling, he had no appetite, he was bone-tired, he had less energy. Was this the price to pay in order to lose weight quickly?

He wasn’t sure if his boyfriends noticed. They seemed to be making food for him more often, but they also made food for each other. They were only able to eat meals together half of the time as their schedules and breaks didn’t line up. None of them liked not being able to see each other, but Seungmin found himself enjoying it just slightly; he felt like they would be worried if he skipped a meal. He tended to skip one per day, sometimes even two if he wasn’t hungry nor around the others.

When Saturday rolled around, Seungmin was anxious. Eunseo had said that they would meet one week later last Saturday, but she hadn’t said when or where. Seungmin didn’t know when she would pop up to steal him away for a few hours, what schedule he might have at that time, where the others would be. He hated how ambiguous and unknown his future was.

Seungmin’s schedule was the same as it had been last Saturday, except he had to record vocals with 3RACHA at six o’clock, an hour after their practice would end. That gave him an hour-long break. He hoped that Eunseo would grab him at five and take less than an hour, therefore he would miss nothing important.

His morning vocal lesson was tense. When asked where he had been last week, Seungmin responded that he was preparing a surprise and lost track of time. His instructor accepted the excuse and said that he wasn’t going to notify their manager. Seungmin hadn’t thought about that, but he was sure that none of his members would notify management either.

Seungmin made it to practice a few minutes early and began stretching. Minho, Hyunjin, and Felix were already there, seemingly talking about and creating choreography in the corner, none of them sweating yet. They smiled at him when he entered, and Seungmin’s chest warmed slightly at the kind treatment. When the others arrived, they smiled at him as well, and Seungmin felt better, almost forgetting about his stylist.

He got more antsy as time passed, some movements too jerky and some too exaggerated. Minho called him out a few times, but he also called out a few others, so Seungmin didn’t feel victimized like last time.

Hours passed with no sign of Eunseo. Was she not meeting with him? Or was she expecting Seungmin to come to her? She never told him to, so he wasn’t going to if he didn’t have to. Maybe she forgot or decided to reschedule.

After practice, 3RACHA left, so Seungmin lay down across the couch to take a break. The dancers continued dancing - somehow having the energy - and Jeongin sat on the floor in front of Seungmin’s hip, leaning back against the couch with his phone. Seungmin ran a hand through the maknae’s hair while he watched the dancers, not caring that his fingers were getting gross and sweaty. Jeongin leaned into the touch, so Seungmin didn’t stop.

He accidentally let his eyes rest, and they shot open when Jeongin patted his stomach.

“I’m gonna shower,” he whispered.

“I will in a bit,” Seungmin mumbled, sitting up. His vision swayed and darkened for a few seconds too long, but Jeongin didn’t seem to notice.

“‘Kay.” Jeongin kissed his cheek, then he grabbed his bag and left. Minho and Felix were standing by the audio equipment, talking about music or dance or both. A glance at the clock told Seungmin that it was five twenty. He had forty minutes left to shower, but he wanted to wait until Jeongin was done, just in case the maknae thought they could shower together and hopped in his stall - because they could not shower together. Seungmin couldn’t do that anymore. Besides, he had places to be.

He gasped. It was five twenty; was Eunseo really not coming for him? He was starting to hope that she would, because then his anxiety would simmer down for another week; he was going to be anxious the next day as well if she didn’t appear today.

Ten minutes later, Seungmin stood - slowly and carefully - and shouldered his backpack. He walked over to Minho and Felix, unintentionally halting their conversation.

“What’s your schedule?” Seungmin asked.

“We’re here another hour,” Minho answered, “then we’re recording with you and 3RACHA. Hyunjin is there now. You just have recording, right?”

Seungmin nodded. Felix hugged him, giggling at Seungmin’s grimace, and pecked his lips.

“You leaving?” Felix asked lightly.

“Yeah, I’m gonna shower. I’ll see you in a bit.” Seungmin leaned forward to kiss Minho, a little slower, and was pleased when Minho kissed him back. He smiled at Felix, then he made his way out of the room, almost rushing to the showers - just in case Eunseo was lurking nearby. She wasn’t.

Jeongin was nowhere to be seen, so he must have gotten in and out quickly. Seungmin had been showering at the company for the last week, finding it convenient, especially because there wasn’t a scale; he knew that showering at the dorm would cause him to check his weight, to make sure that he was losing enough, but he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to spiral and get lost in himself.

Seungmin also showered hastily, and when he emerged, he felt a little better. He refused to look in the mirror and to analyze himself. He would let Eunseo do that later.

It was five fifty, giving him ten minutes of travel time. He put his dirty clothes in a plastic bag and walked through the hallways, taking his time as it was only a few-minute walk. He turned a corner with two minutes to go, only to nearly ram into someone else.

“Sorry,” he said immediately, backing up. He was met with a glare and raised eyebrow.

“Watch where you’re going,” Eunseo scolded. Seungmin’s heart was beating out of his chest. “I was just coming to fetch you. Come on, it’s time again.”

Seungmin was torn. He had an important schedule, but Eunseo had priorities as well. He didn’t want to make things more difficult than necessary for her.

Yet, he shook his head rapidly. He had to record in a few minutes, he couldn't miss that.

“I have—”

“Seungmin, I have been waiting for you all day,” Eunseo almost growled, pointing a finger at his chest. “This is the only time I have for you. I need to make sure you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing. This isn’t something you can put off. You’ve showered now, so let’s go.”

She started walking away, like she always did, and Seungmin followed. He glanced back down the hallway and felt tears burning in his eyes. He didn’t want to disappoint his boyfriends, but he also didn’t want to disappoint her, because he knew there would be a punishment. Seungmin was so selfish for putting himself before his boyfriends. He wished he could stand up for himself more, but he just didn’t have the ability. They were going to be so mad at him for this - for everything.

Eunseo brought him to the same room as last week, and it looked the same, with only a few chairs and things moved around. She closed the door behind them again, but Seungmin heard it lock this time. Why did it have to be locked?

He looked at the clock on the back wall; it was two minutes past six. He was officially late. A strangled breath was yanked out of his lungs, and he almost fell over from its intensity.

“Measurements,” Eunseo said suddenly, walking back to the corner of the room where the measuring tape was. Seungmin followed.

Eunseo wanted the same measurements as last time, all in the same order and way. Seungmin had an insurmountable pit of anxiety in his stomach as he held his shirt up again, letting her do what she wanted. When she got to the inseam, he swore that her hand did touch him, and he was barely holding himself together.

“You’re a bit smaller in some areas,” she said after she finished, looking at the paper, “but you’re bigger in some as well. You clearly aren’t doing enough, Seungmin.”

He wasn’t doing enough? How was he not doing enough?

Eunseo sighed and walked over to the scale. Seungmin didn’t follow this time, frozen, but then she snapped her fingers. He quickly redressed and got onto the scale, not looking at the numbers. She hummed.

“Fifty-seven-point-seven… It’s something. You lost one-and-a-half kilos. I would have preferred two.”

Seungmin took a shaky breath.

“We’ve got two weeks, y’know,” she continued nonchalantly. “I need you down to about… fifty-two kilos. That should get your measurements where we need them.”

Fifty-two? How was Seungmin supposed to lose almost six kilograms in two weeks - three per week? He lost one and a half this week, and he wasn’t sure if he could lose even more.

“Um… Noona-nim?” Seungmin said quietly. She hummed again. “I don’t—I don’t think I can do this.”

Eunseo scoffed. “Of course you can. I’ve seen this plenty of times before. You just need to believe in yourself.”

“Do I have to?”

She looked up at him, unimpressed. “That shouldn’t be a question, Seungmin. You do. You’re an idol, this is what you signed up for. I am contributing to your success. Concepts and costumes are just as important as the actual sound and performance.”

Seungmin knew that, of course, but there were so many other things he had to worry about.

“Can’t you just… make the outfits larger?” he suggested meekly. Eunseo took one step closer, nearly too close to him.

“I have outfits that are already made, and larger sizes cost more money. I don’t have all the time in the world. It is much easier for me if you just do your job here.”

Stand up for yourself, idiot, Seungmin told himself.

“My job is to perform, not to lose weight just because you want me to!” he almost shouted, trying to get his point across.

Eunseo’s response was a harsh slap across his cheek, bringing tears back to his eyes. “How dare you speak to me that way,” she growled. “You have no right. I am your superior. I am doing all of this for you.”

Seungmin couldn’t breathe. This was for him?

“Come here,” she sneered, fisting the front of his shirt and yanking him to the clothing rack. “Three outfits.”

Angrily, Eunseo grabbed clothes and threw them onto the chair in front of Seungmin, not even caring if they got wrinkled. Then she stood facing him with her arms crossed.

“Try them on,” she said flatly. When Seungmin realized that she wanted to watch him get dressed, he couldn’t help the tear that slipped out. Eunseo shook her head. “Pathetic.”

Seungmin’s chest was too tight for him to function properly, but he wanted to leave as soon as possible, so he took off his shirt and lowered his pants with trembling hands. He slid the clothes on, but the textures were wrong and made him feel itchy all over. The top was a little too tight and he worried about ripping something, so he had to go slower, which caused him to feel like he was moving in molasses.

“Next,” Eunseo said after a few moments, unmoving and judging. Seungmin carefully took the clothes off and reached for the next outfit. It wasn’t too tight.

“Next.”

The final outfit was the most comfortable, but the pants were too low on his hips and too tight on his calves.

“Okay,” Eunseo said expectantly. Seungmin took that as his queue to give her the clothes back, so he quickly undressed and put his own back on - Jisung’s hoodie and a pair of sweatpants, hiding his body.

She snatched the clothes away from him, and he stood still until she turned back to him.

“You are to lose three kilos by next Sunday,” she said sternly. “No exceptions.”

He had one extra day this time, but that meant nothing. She gestured for him to leave and he did so immediately, clutching his bag in one hand and his chest in the other. He lifted the collar of his shirt to cover his mouth, silencing his gasps and drying his tears.

Seungmin went to the closest handicapped bathroom and locked himself inside. He slid down the door, burying his face in his knees.

What was he supposed to do? He didn’t know how to please Eunseo. He couldn’t lose three kilograms - double the amount he had lost over the last week, which had been difficult in itself. He couldn’t do more.

But he couldn’t be a nuisance. He couldn’t burden her more than he already was. He had to try, or he knew he would meet a dead end and be in deep trouble. He was going to try; if he put his mind to it, he could do it.

Seungmin only let himself cry for five minutes. He couldn’t leave with red eyes and a puffy face. He wiped his tears and coughed, then he pulled out his phone. He didn’t have to worry about Eunseo’s instructions until tomorrow anyway.

He gasped. He had so many missed calls and texts. He had forgotten about his recording with 3RACHA, Minho, and Hyunjin that had started an hour and a half ago. It ended ten minutes ago. Seungmin missed the entire thing.

A sob escaped his throat and he curled up again. He was so bad at his job; he couldn’t please his stylists, he couldn’t please his members, he couldn’t please himself. His boyfriends probably hated him right now for ditching them two times in one week. Recording was always important, as it couldn’t be rescheduled easily and it wasn’t something they could just practice on their own time. Seungmin was wasting everyone’s time.

He didn’t leave the bathroom; he couldn’t. He didn’t know where his boyfriends were, but he didn’t want to see them. Instead, he tossed his phone on the floor and hid in his knees, trying to forget about everything.

He didn’t know how much time passed before he realized that he should text someone his whereabouts. He had been silent for hours and had even missed a group schedule, so they had to be worried. He didn’t read the messages and just sent his own to Chan.

Hey, hyung. I’m sorry for missing the recording, I was busy with something else that couldn’t wait. I can be there in a few minutes if you want.

It was definitely not a lie. Then Chan was calling him, and Seungmin was unprepared, but he couldn’t not answer it.

“Hi, hyung,” he said, his voice slightly raspy.

“Where are you?”

Chan’s voice was stern, just like Eunseo’s. Chan was angry.

“I’m… I can go to the studio now if you—“

“That's not what I asked, Seungmin.”

Oh no. Tears fell silently again.

“Bathroom,” Seungmin whispered. Chan sighed.

“Where have you been for the last two hours?”

“I was—I was with a staff member.” It still wasn’t a lie.

“You knew we had a schedule together. Why didn’t you come?”

“I was busy—with them.”

“I already told you that schedules come first. You should have told me in advance, because now we have to reschedule. What were you doing that was so important?”

Chan almost sounded like he was mocking Seungmin - like he thought that Seungmin was lying. Seungmin must not have responded in time, because Chan sighed again, harsher than before.

“Just come home. We got here a while ago hoping you’d be here.”

Seungmin was a terrible boyfriend.

“Okay, hyung.”

Chan hung up the phone. Seungmin took a deep, shaky breath, tugging on his hair to ground himself. He shouldn’t procrastinate any more.

He cleaned up a bit in the mirror, then he left. The halls were empty, so it must be late. He didn’t want to check the time.

Seungmin walked home, not caring enough to search for a driver. The walk was only twenty minutes, and the streets were pretty silent when it was this late in the day. He took the time to calm down and come up with an excuse, but he truly couldn’t think of anything. There was nowhere he could be in the building that would get him out of trouble, and he couldn't say that he was with his stylist, because none of them spent time with the stylists like that and it was too suspicious.

Part of him wanted to tell them what was going on, but he couldn’t. He knew that he should, but it felt like something he was supposed to hide, something he was supposed to do on his own. They were frustrated with him enough as it was, he didn’t need to make things even worse.

Seungmin didn’t hesitate to open the door when he arrived; not only was he exhausted, but there was nothing left to ponder. The dorm was dark and he almost thought that no one was awake, but then he entered the living room and saw Chan and Minho sitting on the couch, a cushion in between them. They stared at Seungmin with their arms crossed.

Chan patted the cushion. “Come here.”

Seungmin dropped his bag and slowly made his way over, sitting down. He felt tiny compared to them.

“What’s going on, Minnie?” Minho asked, his voice soft yet firm.

“Nothing,” Seungmin whispered, staring at his lap.

“Don’t lie to us.” Minho rested his hand on Seungmin’s thigh. “Skipping work isn’t like you. You’ve never done this before.”

Seungmin both hated and loved that they were worried about him. They should just be mad.

“We love you,” Chan said, just like he had last week, “but I don’t want to push you—”

“Then don’t,” Seungmin interrupted quietly. For a moment he was scared, but then he remembered that this was Chan, not Eunseo. Chan was kind and understanding. “Sorry. Just—I know what I’m doing. You’ll understand later.”

I hope, Seungmin didn’t say.

“Is it the surprise thing?” Chan asked. Seungmin nodded; he had almost forgotten about that lie. “We’ve already talked about this. Let me know next time, Minnie. I’m trying to be lenient because I’m sure you’re doing something good, but we have an intense job. There’s a lot of stuff we have to do. If you can work on the surprise around your schedule, that’s more ideal, but don’t stay up too late or get up too early. We have two performances in two weeks.”

Seungmin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Two?”

“Oh, yeah. The manager told us earlier while you weren’t there. We still have one on Friday, but there’s a new one on the Wednesday before that, so in a week and a half.”

That wasn’t good. That was so not good. That gave Seungmin less time to fit into Eunseo’s outfits, less time to lose weight, less time to prepare. She was going to make everything even more difficult.

“Hey,” Minho said, tilting Seungmin’s head to look into his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, hyung.” Seungmin smiled, hopefully believably. “It’s just unexpected.”

Minho nodded. “Luckily it’s nearby and it’s nothing new. It’s not that big of a deal, our schedules just change a bit.”

It actually was a big deal, but Minho didn't have to know that.

“We’re rescheduling the recording for the following Monday, after both performances,” Chan told him seriously. “That’s the earliest we can do it. You can’t miss that one, okay?”

Seungmin nodded, his stomach twisting. He was making Chan more stressed than he already was, yet neither he nor Minho sounded actually angry with him.

“Let’s just go to bed,” Chan said softly a minute later. “But Minnie, remember what I said, okay? Let me know next time.”

Seungmin nodded quickly. “I will, hyung.” He paused. “Aren’t you… mad?”

Chan sighed. “I don’t know, honestly. I know that you aren’t doing anything bad, but I know that you could be doing better. I’m trusting that you aren’t lying to us.” Chan hesitated. “I’m a bit… disappointed, I think. I didn’t expect this from you.”

Seungmin’s heart was just crushed. It was shrinking and breaking and rising in his throat. None of his boyfriends had ever told him that before. That was what he had been wanting to avoid this whole time. His life goal was to make people proud of him - especially his boyfriends, because they meant more than the world to him. The bare thought of losing them was enough to make him cry.

Right now, he had to hold back the tears, no matter how much he wanted to let them flow. If Chan was disappointed, crying wasn’t the solution. Seungmin just had to make him proud, and he would.

Chan pulled him into a hug and kissed his forehead. Seungmin was still tense but tried to relax against him, the contact a little soothing after what he had experienced with Eunseo. Minho leaned on his back, and Seungmin refused to snuggle closer even though he wanted to. He didn’t deserve it.

The older boys shifted after a while, but Seungmin didn’t move yet.

“Want me to carry you?” the eldest asked. Seungmin shook his head; he rarely allowed the others to carry him - only if he was extremely tired, asleep, or in pain - and he definitely wasn’t going to allow it now, not when he weighed less than he used to. He had a feeling that that would worry them even more - or disappoint them even more, because he was unable to walk for himself.

They went to their own bedrooms, Seungmin brushing his teeth first. Hyunjin wasn’t in his bed, so he was most likely with Changbin, but Minho was in his own bed. He looked up at Seungmin as he entered, sending him a smile. Seungmin smiled back.

Seungmin realized belatedly that he hadn’t eaten lunch or dinner; he hadn’t eaten since before their dance practice, yet he wasn’t hungry. That was unusual, but it was a good thing, he thought; that meant that it would be easier to resist food, therefore easier to lose weight. He wasn’t going to upset Eunseo again.

He fell asleep eventually, upset and unsettled by the turn of events.

---

As he had expected, Eunseo tracked him down the next day, but thankfully during his break. All she said was that Seungmin had to up his game, that he now had to lose six kilograms in ten days. Seungmin was prepared this time, so he just nodded and agreed.

The next few days were pretty slow. They had the same workloads, but everything seemed just a little bit easier. Seungmin’s break didn’t line up with anyone else’s, so he didn’t have to eat anything throughout the day, which was close to perfect. They all ate breakfast together, though, and some ate dinner together, so Seungmin didn’t have many chances to skip.

On Thursday, Seungmin didn’t eat breakfast, as he was one of the only ones left at the dorm and he was “running behind.” For some reason not eating breakfast changed everything this time, and his stomach was growling after just two hours. He almost felt sick, but at the same time like he couldn’t eat anything. He felt physically empty.

Nonetheless, he didn’t eat lunch. He still hadn’t weighed himself, but he didn’t feel like he lost any more weight, and he was too scared to check. It was easier to just not eat and hope for the best.

He didn’t have to eat dinner either because of the others’ schedules not lining up. That was very relieving.

Seungmin got to the dorm around seven, Jeongin arrived at eight, and the dancers came at eight thirty. 3RACHA was going to be a few more hours. The dancers already ate dinner and Seungmin said that he did as well, so Jeongin made himself something simple. They all retreated to their rooms, and at nine, Seungmin decided to just go to sleep; Minho was already in bed, and Hyunjin had left the room to see Felix, so it was dark and quiet.

Later, Seungmin startled awake from a nightmare he couldn’t remember. He shot up in bed and looked around, searching for something, but he didn't know what. His brain was frazzled and empty at the same time. He felt a little disoriented, not knowing what time it was or what was going on.

He calmed down after a few minutes. He rubbed his hands down his face and saw Minho’s back as he lay in bed, Hyunjin still nowhere to be seen.

Something still felt wrong. It took Seungmin another minute to realize that it was his stomach; it was so empty that it was cramping and rumbling at the same time, causing a very unpleasant sensation to ripple throughout his whole body. He felt dehydrated and a little dizzy as well. He didn’t know if he could handle feeling like this for much longer.

Seungmin definitely couldn’t handle the feeling. He got out of bed - slowly so as to not fall over - and went to the kitchen. The light was blinding when he turned it on. He opened the cupboard, looking for something to tide him over, but nothing looked appetizing - not sweets, not grains, not dairy. He almost felt sick just by looking at them, but he felt even more sick in general. Tears sprang to his eyes, and he bit his lip.

His eyes caught on a bag of cereal; it was plain, not too sugary, and usually fulfilling. He grabbed the bag and quickly poured it into a bowl, as much as he could fit, then he got milk from the fridge and added it.

When he settled on a barstool with a spoon in hand, he had second thoughts. Would this ruin all of his progress? Would Eunseo be able to tell when he saw her in two or three days? Seungmin would get in a lot of trouble if he didn’t lose three kilograms, and he didn’t know how much he had lost so far.

His stomach rumbled again, and all of that left his mind. He needed to eat or he was going to die, which sounded extreme yet spurred him on. Is this what starvation feels like? he wondered for a moment. But then he took a bite. Why did it taste so good?

The next thing he knew, he was shoveling the cereal and milk into his mouth, just slow enough to not choke. He was a little worried about eating too much at once, but he couldn’t stop; if he threw up after this, then he threw up.

He felt a little better while he was eating. The pressure in his chest lightened slightly as time went on and food entered his digestive system.

Seungmin finished eating soon, getting the last few drops of milk by tilting the bowl against his lips. He set it down and sat still for a few moments, thinking that maybe he would be okay now.

He was wrong. He was so wrong. Within seconds his stomach rumbled again, and suddenly it felt empty, like he hadn’t just eaten two cups of cereal and milk. He felt no different.

This was Seungmin’s new normal - constant emptiness, aching, cramping, dizziness, tiredness, hunger. It was never going to end. Even if he ate three more bowls’ worth, he would never feel anywhere near full, near okay and alive. He would never feel healthy.

Seungmin pressed his palms into his eyelids and gasped shakily. He had known that it was going to be difficult to abide by Eunseo’s rules and wishes, but he hadn’t quite expected it to be this bad.

Maybe he was doing more than necessary. Maybe he had already lost enough weight and just didn’t realize. That was a little encouraging - yet also not encouraging at all - and Seungmin stood to rush down the hallway to his bathroom. The scale sat there dustily, silent and unforgiving.

Seungmin stepped onto it without thinking. The numbers fluctuated like normal, then they stopped.

Fifty-six-point-five. He had only lost one-point-two kilograms in five days. He had to lose one-point-eight more kilograms in the next two or three days. He had to lose almost one kilogram per day. How had he lost so little when he felt so empty?

Seungmin stepped off of the scale and dropped into a crouch, just crying. He hated how his life was turning out in such a short span of time; it didn’t feel like it could become any better in the same amount of time.

He tried to be silent, but he knew that he was gasping on every sob. He pressed his forehead into the vanity and tried to calm down, yet he was too overwhelmed to do anything, even to close the door. There was so much going wrong, so much to deal with, so much on the line, so much that he couldn’t tell a soul about. He was falling and he was never going to come back up.

Something touched his back, and he flinched. Then it started rubbing, and he realized that it was a hand. Someone was there.

“Seungmin?” It was Jisung. “What’s wrong?”

Seungmin couldn’t tell him. Seungmin could never, ever tell him. His breath hitched harshly, and Jisung shushed him. Jisung wrapped his arms around Seungmin, pulling him into a side hug, and Seungmin just leaned against him, too weak to hold himself up anymore.

“I’m here, Minnie, it’s okay,” Jisung whispered, kissing his head repeatedly. “Sungie’s here, you’re okay.”

I’m not okay, Seungmin thought sadly. He pressed his face into Jisung’s shoulder, and the older boy’s warmth was comforting, even amidst his fear and hopelessness.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Jisung asked gently when Seungmin was a little quieter. Seungmin just nodded. “That’s okay. It wasn’t real, okay? But I’m real, and I’m right here with you.”

It’s real, Seungmin wanted to scream. It’s real, and it hurts, and I’m terrified.

Seungmin slowly calmed down, subconsciously focusing on Jisung’s words and body instead of his own thoughts. He wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.

Jisung pulled back and Seungmin almost whined, pouting as Jisung cupped his cheeks, wiping his tears and petting his hair. Jisung had a soft, worried smile on his face.

“Are you feeling a little better?” Jisung murmured. Seungmin nodded, hiccuping. “Let’s get to bed, it’s really late.”

Seungmin nodded again and Jisung pulled him up to his feet. Seungmin wobbled, his vision completely blackening for a few seconds, but Jisung was there to hold him steady.

“Let’s go to my bed, okay? You can sleep with me.” Seungmin didn’t have a chance to protest, but he didn’t want to; he hadn’t slept in the same bed as one of his boyfriends in a month, and right now he needed something to keep him afloat. If he went back to bed alone without a distraction, he was either going to cry, dissociate, or have a panic attack, and he definitely wouldn't get any sleep.

They entered Jisung’s room slowly, finding Jeongin asleep in his own bed. Jisung’s bed looked like it hadn’t been used for twenty hours, as it was still made, albeit messily.

“Lie down,” Jisung whispered, guiding Seungmin to sit on the bed after pulling the comforter back. Seungmin went obediently and lay down on the chilly sheets. Jisung stepped away, and Seungmin reached out to hold onto him again. “Shh, baby, hold on. I just have to change real quick.”

Jisung was still wearing his day clothes. He must have just gotten home. Seungmin didn’t know what time it was, but it was probably early morning, and he couldn’t imagine why he would stay at the company so late.

Jisung quickly changed into a T-shirt and boxers, then he climbed in beside Seungmin, covering them with the blanket. He wrapped an arm around Seungmin’s waist and stared into his puffy eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Seungmin shook his head; he literally couldn’t. “Try to sleep, then. I’ll be here till you wake up.”

That was reassuring, but it didn’t mean anything for Seungmin’s problems. Jisung couldn’t help him with those. Only he could help himself, but there was nothing he could do, because eating more would make Eunseo even more angry at him and it wouldn’t make him feel any less hungry. He was stuck.

“Minnie.” Seungmin gasped slightly. “Look at me. Don’t think about it, it isn’t real. Think about me.”

Although it was real, Seungmin did think about Jisung. Jisung was always sweet and caring and overprotective. Jisung was very detail-oriented when it came to his boyfriends, and Seungmin could remember when Jisung noticed him acting off at the restaurant two weeks ago. If someone was anxious, Jisung was there; if they were sad, Jisung was there; even if they were happy, Jisung was there and often the cause.

Jisung leaned closer to kiss him. “Sleep.”

Seungmin closed his eyes, and he was asleep within minutes.

---

Waking up was disorienting. It was weird to have someone in his arms, and the texture of the bedding was different from what he was used to. He was so warm and cozy, so he snuggled closer to the heat source, letting out a soft sigh.

After a while, he opened his eyes. Jisung’s chin was centimeters away from Seungmin’s forehead, his lips parted and pushing warm puffs over Seungmin’s hair. He was sleeping peacefully with an arm around Seungmin’s shoulders, their legs tangled underneath the blanket. Seungmin got lost in Jisung’s features - his eyelashes, nose, cheeks, hair, ears. He looked gorgeous and perfect.

Then Seungmin registered the beeping sound in the room. It stopped suddenly and he heard a groan, so he turned to see Jeongin sitting up in bed. The maknae squinted tiredly.

“Hyung?” he grumbled.

“Good morning, Innie.”

Jeongin sighed, rubbing his eyes. “What’re you doing in here?”

“Sleeping,” Seungmin deadpanned, smiling. It was always easier to act normal right after he woke up, as despair wasn’t overtaking his body yet.

Jeongin just rolled his eyes, clearly not caring about Seungmin’s reason. “Get up, we leave in an hour.”

“You’re so prickly in the mornings.” Seungmin watched Jeongin stand and go to his dresser, changing his clothes. Jeongin took his shirt off, and Seungmin stared. Jeongin was muscular, undoubtedly, along with all of the hyungs. Their abs were visible and their arms and thighs were thick. When Seungmin thought about himself, he was the complete opposite, as skinny as a toothpick. He had never been buff in the first place, but now he was even thinner.

Why didn’t the others have to change? Why could they live normally, eating and growing? Why did Seungmin have to change while no one else did?

Jeongin knew that Seungmin was staring at him. After getting dressed, he crossed the room and crawled onto Jisung’s bed, hovering over Seungmin.

“Hi.”

Seungmin smiled again, yet it was more forced. “Hi.”

Jeongin kissed him and Seungmin kissed back, distracting himself. Jeongin’s hand landed on Seungmin’s slim waist, and Seungmin took the hand in his own, anxious that Jeongin would realize how much he had changed.

Jeongin yelped as he was suddenly yanked to the side. Jisung laughed and hugged the maknae to his chest.

“Don’t forget about your favorite hyung!” he exclaimed, pecking Jeongin’s cheeks.

“Ew, hyung! I never said you were my favorite!”

“You didn’t have to say it, baby.”

It was Seungmin’s turn to roll his eyes. He pushed himself up and out of bed, dizzy again, and started walking to the door.

“Where are you going?” Jisung asked with a pout. Seungmin glanced at him.

“I should’ve been up thirty minutes ago, Sungie. I have to get ready.”

Jisung was clearly a little upset without getting a morning kiss, but Seungmin mentally promised to give him one before they left and blew him one to get him by. He opened the door and came face to face with a confused Changbin, who had his fist raised in an attempt to knock.

“Why are you in here?” he asked, dropping his arm. Seungmin hesitated.

“I brought him,” Jisung called loudly, getting up as well - or, rather, being forced up by Jeongin. “I saw him when I got home.”

“You can’t just steal people at two a.m., Jisung-ah,” Changbin grumbled, pulling Seungmin into a kiss anyway.

It had been two in the morning? Seungmin had fallen asleep around one. Both he and Jisung must have only gotten five hours of sleep, which definitely wasn’t aiding Seungmin’s physical health.

Seungmin snuck away when he realized that things were going to get a little heated, Changbin being grabbed by Jisung and Jeongin. He went to his own empty room and got ready for the day, taking his time; although he usually woke up half an hour earlier, he still had time to kill, as he liked taking it slow in the mornings.

When he went to the kitchen twenty minutes later, the scent of eggs was in the air. The other four members were sitting and standing around the kitchen. Chan saw Seungmin first and smiled, grabbing a plate and piling eggs on top.

“Eat up,” the eldest said as he handed it over. Seungmin mumbled a thank you, avoiding eye contact.

“Where’d you go last night?” Hyunjin asked around a mouthful of food.

“With Jisung. He got home late.”

Chan nodded. “He left after Bin and I did. He said it would only take a few minutes, but we knew it was gonna be longer.”

The timeline made more sense now in Seungmin’s brain. He scooped up some eggs and took a bite, sighing at the taste. Eggs were something that he was okay with eating, because he had researched them after they all started eating them almost every day and found out that they were actually good for people looking to lose weight, as they were low in calories and rich in protein. It was probably the only food that Seungmin could eat without feeling guilty.

His boyfriends hadn’t been acting weirdly toward him like he had originally expected; they acted the exact same despite what Seungmin had been doing - hiding things, skipping schedules, unintentionally distancing himself. It was surprising, and Seungmin wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, but it was better than them breathing down his neck or being mad.

After a while, Changbin, Jisung, and Jeongin entered the room at the same time, all a little flushed and awkward. Seungmin smirked.

“What happened?” Felix asked, always so innocent.

“Oh, we know what happened,” Minho chuckled, crossing his arms. Changbin continued walking until he had his own serving of eggs in his hands.

“You’re so dramatic. You act like you aren’t all over our asses all day.”

“That is so not the same thing.”

“It’s just as bad.”

“It isn’t bad,” Jisung grumbled. “It’s amazing, hyung.”

Seungmin giggled silently, catching Jisung’s attention. While Jeongin got his own food, Jisung took Seungmin’s hand, pulling him into the hallway.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked quietly, rubbing Seungmin’s biceps.

“Yeah, I’m good. Sorry about last night.”

Jisung shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m glad I got there when I did. It must have been pretty bad, hm?”

Seungmin looked down and nodded. It truly had been bad, worse than he could have imagined.

“Wanna talk about it now?”

Seungmin sighed. “It’s hard to explain. But it’s—it’s in the past now, so I’m okay.”

“Okay.” Jisung kissed his forehead. “Don’t hesitate to find someone if you have another nightmare, okay?”

“Nightmare?” They turned their heads and saw Chan entering the hallway, concern evident on his features. “Who had a nightmare?”

“I did,” Seungmin said, clearing his throat. He didn’t want to disappoint Chan more. “But I’m fine now, hyung.”

Chan still looked worried. “You don’t get nightmares very often anymore. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Seungmin rolled his eyes. “Yes, hyung. It’s not a big deal, it just happened. It won’t happen again.”

“That’s not true,” Jisung interjected. “It might. Tell someone next time.” He turned to Chan, and Seungmin’s chest tightened. “When I got home, he was crying in the bathroom, so I took him to bed with me.”

Chan somehow looked even more concerned. “Minnie, you—”

“I know, hyung,” Seungmin exasperated, pulling away from their hands. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. “I’ll come to you next time. I’m sorry.”

It was obvious that Seungmin was getting frustrated, so the two older boys nodded and let him go. He returned to his room and spent the rest of the getting-ready-time on his bed. His mood had dampened incredibly from that conversation, but it shouldn’t have; his boyfriends were just trying to care for him, but the underlying cause of his freakout last night was undisclosed and had to remain disclosed. They just didn’t understand.

They went to work like normal, and Seungmin tried to forget about what the scale had told him last night, refusing to let it cross his mind. He wasn’t going to see Eunseo for two more days, he didn’t have to be scared yet.

Seungmin tried not to eat lunch, but he felt like his stomach was eating itself, so he had to eat a protein bar. And a second protein bar. Maybe he ate a third as well. He felt terrible for cheating like that, but he couldn’t help it this time. He would make up for it later.

The weekend passed by too quickly. Seungmin’s schedule was jam-packed on Sunday, and he couldn't sleep at all the night before, too anxious about what was going to happen. If Eunseo continued with the same regimen she had had so far, Seungmin was going to miss at least one of his schedules. He couldn’t do that, though, not after the miniature meeting he had had with Chan and Minho. Their disappointment was already too much to bear. Seungmin was shocked that no one had told their manager about his skips yet.

While Seungmin was on his way to a vocal lesson after a meeting, he ran into Eunseo. He had a feeling that she had his schedule down to a T.

“Let’s go,” she said without skipping a beat. Seungmin took a deep breath.

“No.”

She turned and raised an eyebrow. “No?”

Seungmin shook his head. “No. I have a schedule to get to.”

Eunseo walked closer. “I know that you have a schedule, I’m not stupid. I told them that you’ll be with me.”

Seungmin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Really?”

“Do you think I’m a liar?” He shook his head immediately. “Alright then. Come on.”

She didn’t seem as stern as usual, Seungmin thought. He wondered why she hadn’t told anyone about their previous meet-ups as well; that would have saved him from a lot of issues.

The fear returned full force as they drew closer to the stylists’ room. Seungmin hadn’t weighed himself again since the “nightmare” incident with Jisung, but he just knew that Eunseo wasn’t going to be satisfied with him.

But maybe everything would be fine. Maybe he had lost enough over the past few days. That was always possible.

When they walked in, Seungmin went straight to the back of the room and dropped his things, not wanting to hesitate. He lifted his shirt when she walked over with the measuring tape, but she stopped in front of him with a blank expression.

“Weigh yourself,” she ordered, dropping the tape and walking to the scale. Seungmin’s breath caught in his throat. Could she tell just by looking at him?

Seungmin’s five seconds of gaping like a fish were enough to make her snap.

“Now, Seungmin.” Her glare was piercing. Seungmin stopped stalling and made his way over, stepping on the scale and staring at the ceiling, trying to breathe. A hand gripped the back of his shirt and yanked, slamming him back against the wall.

“Fifty-six,” Eunseo growled, shoving his chest. “Fifty-fucking-six, Seungmin. What is wrong with you? I give you one thing to do, one simple thing, and you still manage to fuck it up.”

Seungmin had known this was going to happen. She was going to be angry at him no matter what he tried to do now. He just had to deal with it, then he could leave. He just had to deal with it. He just had to deal with—

Eunseo slapped him, just like she had a week ago yet much harder. Seungmin’s left eye stung and he held his reddening skin, gasping.

“You have the nerve to give me attitude, the nerve to accuse me of things, the nerve to talk back, yet you can’t follow a simple instruction! I can’t believe you’re even a part of this company. If I could, I would fire your ass right now, because I know that you won’t amount to anything with that body. The least you could do is listen to me.”

Breathing was impossible. This could end in so many different ways, and none of them were okay.

Eunseo groaned loudly and curled her fingers next to her ears, like she was trying not to pull her hair out.

“I told you there were no exceptions, but the only way I am willing to work through this is if you get to fifty-two by Wednesday. That’s three days. Can you do that?”

Seungmin nodded immediately - anything to please her.

“If you don’t, you won’t have anything to wear for your performance. Do you know what we’d have to do then? We’d have to find a whole new outfit that can fit your fat ass, which probably means that I would have to make one, and it won’t be as good as the one I have prepared for you right now.”

That was a lot. If Seungmin were in his right mind, he would have realized that what she was saying was insane - they must have had outfits that fit him considering he had been wearing their clothes for years now - but he was overwhelmed, and she made sense. He was too big, he needed to be smaller or he couldn’t be an idol anymore, but he needed to be an idol.

Eunseo’s fingers dug into Seungmin’s shoulder as she grabbed him and brought him back to the measuring tape.

“I’m going to get your measurements, and if everything is bigger, I swear to god, Seungmin…”

Silent tears fell down Seungmin’s cheeks. He couldn’t handle being such a disappointment, making Eunseo’s already stressful life even worse. He was making everything more difficult for his boyfriends as well.

“Stop fucking crying.” Eunseo yanked his shirt up for him when he didn’t move quickly enough, exposing up to his chest. She sighed exasperatedly. Seungmin held the hem of his shirt up to his eyes, unable to stop.

Eunseo even pulled his pants down for him, which only made him cry more. He felt violated, but he shouldn’t have; she wasn’t even touching him that much. He deserved this after everything he had done to her.

Her hands had seemed too close last week, but they felt even closer this time as she hastened her movements. The inseam was torturous.

She suddenly tugged his shirt back down, making sharp eye contact. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Seungmin gasped. “Sor–Sorry.”

“And?”

“I’ll… I’ll do be–better.”

Eunseo stood up straighter. “Yes you will. You’ll lose four kilos because your career depends on it. Understand?” He nodded. “I said stop fucking crying. What are you, five?”

Seungmin just shook his head, wiping his cheeks fruitlessly.

“Y’know what, I’m not even gonna let you try anything on today, because God knows nothing is going to fit right. I expected better, Seungmin. I thought you were good enough for this.”

Although Seungmin didn’t want to try anything on, he felt even more upset at her words. If he could just try something on, maybe it would fit and she would realize that he was fine this way. He was never going to say anything, though; he wasn’t going to be out of line again. It wasn’t his place.

“Get the fuck out,” Eunseo snarled, pointing at the door. “I’ll see you Wednesday morning.”

Seungmin pulled his pants up and picked up his bag, almost too weak to keep a hold of it. He stumbled out of the room and back to the handicapped bathroom, falling back against the locked door again. He had thought that it was bad last week, but now it was so much worse.

He wasn’t going to be able to do what Eunseo wanted him to do; he already knew that he wasn’t. He was going to lose two kilograms maximum, and he wouldn’t fit into his outfit, and she would be enraged and have to make something new for him. He was going to eat nothing for the next three days and he was going to feel like shit and he was going to perform terribly and upset everyone - all of that only to fail in the end.

Seungmin’s stomach twisted painfully and something rose in his throat. Within seconds he was leaning over the toilet and spilling bile into the bowl, his abdomen cramping from the force. He hadn’t eaten anything for breakfast that morning nor dinner the night before, and it wasn’t quite lunchtime yet, so he started dry heaving, nothing coming up.

He couldn’t continue like this - not today, at least.

When he could breathe again, he took out his phone and shakily sent a text to Chan.

Hi, hyung. I’m not feeling well, so I’m going to go back to the dorm for the day.

Seungmin knew that this would work, seeing as he never admitted to being sick and never took a day off. He never wanted anyone to watch over him or worry. Chan responded quickly.

Are you sure? Do you want to come to the studio first? Hyungs can take care of you, you shouldn’t have to go home alone. Are you feeling too bad? Do you want me to come to you?

Chan’s familiar caring instincts actually made Seungmin feel a little bit better, but nowhere near enough. Chan was still disappointed, and Seungmin only hoped that this wouldn’t escalate that.

No, I’m just gonna head home. Can you tell the manager for me please?

Of course, honey. I’ll send someone home early to check on you, and we can bring medicine if you want. You must be feeling pretty bad, huh? Is it a stomach bug?

Seungmin hoped that no one came home early, but it seemed inevitable.

Yeah, I think so. Thanks, hyung.

You're always welcome, baby.

Seungmin wasn’t actively crying anymore, thankfully, but his stomach still hurt. He turned his phone off and flushed the toilet, then he stood, holding onto the counter before his legs could give out. He couldn’t bear to look into the mirror, so he just splashed cold water on his face and dried it with his shirt.

Then he left. He strode through the halls, not caring if anyone saw him, and went to the nearest exit. He walked all the way to the dorm in a haze, his head full yet vacant at the same time.

When he entered the dorm, its dead silence made his ears ring and his breathing quicken. He was still unused to not being surrounded by cheery voices and sweet words. He decided to just go to his bedroom to lie down.

However, walking past the bathroom somehow triggered his stomach again, and he found himself scrambling to the toilet and losing more bile. His throat burned painfully, and he would have thought that he was actually sick if it weren’t for his crippling anxiety and lack of a fever.

All of Seungmin’s energy was suddenly drained. He fell against the wall and tried to catch his breath, loosely wrapping an arm around his torso. He felt emptier than ever before.

Something clicked in his brain. After puking, of course he would feel emptier; he had just lost some of his mass in the toilet. Was that the push he had been needing this whole time?

He didn’t check his weight, though, as he didn’t have the strength to stand. He wasn’t going to do anything for now except sleep. He slumped further down the wall and let his eyes close, falling into a dissatisfying slumber.

---

Seungmin awoke with a start. He was terribly uncomfortable and his back was aching from his poor posture. He peeled his eyes open and winced at the harsh lighting, slowly getting onto his hands and knees before pushing himself up, using the wall as support. It wasn’t very helpful, and he crashed back down to his knees, whimpering in pain.

He managed to flush the toilet and stand back up after a few minutes. He really wanted to brush his teeth, but he was still exhausted and knew that he was going to throw up again eventually today. Abandoning his backpack and phone that had fallen out of his pocket, he trudged down the hallway to his room and collapsed on the nearest bed, not bothering to get comfortable. He could sleep in any position right now.

Sometime later, a cool hand was on his cheek and fingers were in his hair, bringing him back to the land of the living.

“Minnie? Can you hear me?” Seungmin just groaned. “Shh, it’s okay.”

Seungmin heard a sigh, then the hands left, one going to his shoulder and rolling him onto his back. He tried to curl up but wasn’t strong enough.

“You don’t have a fever, but you look pretty bad.”

You look bad, was all Seungmin heard. Eunseo thought that he looked bad, his boyfriends thought that he looked bad, he thought that he looked bad. He was in such terrible shape.

“Open your eyes, Minnie.”

He really didn’t want to, but the hand returned to his cheek and he didn’t want to be rude. It was Felix sitting on the edge of the bed with a concerned expression on his face.

“Chan hyung said you weren’t feeling very well.” Seungmin nodded. “Did anything happen?”

He shook his head. A lot had happened, but nothing that Felix needed to know about.

“Minho hyung is making you some soup,” Felix continued, rubbing Seungmin’s shoulder. “It’s lunchtime.”

Lunchtime. There was no way that Seungmin was going to be consuming anything for the next three days, not with the weight he had to lose.

But he had a new option: eating, then expelling the food from his body, making his boyfriends happy and not adding on any extra poundage. It seemed to be his only choice now that they were fawning over him.

Felix got up to take Seungmin’s shoes off, and the younger boy just lay there bonelessly. It wasn’t until Felix covered him with a blanket that he realized he was shivering. Then Felix sat against the headboard and stroked Seungmin’s hair. Seungmin just had to lean into the touch.

“If you aren’t feeling better by Wednesday, we can reschedule the video. It isn’t a big deal.”

Seungmin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Video?” he croaked.

“Oh, yeah, Chan hyung found out that the place we were going to perform at was having scheduling issues, which is why it just popped up on our schedules and is gone again. The company wanted us to record a dance practice video anyway, so we’re doing that instead.”

That could mean so many different things. Would Seungmin need an outfit from Eunseo, or did he have two extra days now? Was she making a new outfit? Was she going to use the one she had planned on originally? Sometimes they wore the stylists’ outfits and sometimes they wore their own.

“Concept?” Seungmin asked worriedly. Felix shrugged.

“Not sure. There was a concept for the performance, so they’ll probably use it for the video since they’re prepared for it.”

Anxiety punched Seungmin in the gut. He had been hopeful for a moment, but he should have known better.

“Hey.” Felix gently tugged on his hair, and Seungmin looked up. “Don’t worry about it. We’ve done it before. Just focus on feeling better, ‘kay?”

Seungmin nodded, but Felix was wrong. It wasn’t the same thing they had done before - for Seungmin, at least. This was completely different.

Minho soon entered the room with a bowl placed on a tray. He approached Seungmin, and Felix helped him sit up. Seungmin suppressed a groan at his sore abdomen and head rush, leaning his shoulder against Felix’s.

“I made this special for you,” Minho commented, setting the tray on Seungmin’s lap. Seungmin mumbled his thanks, yet he didn’t feel grateful.

“What’s so special?” Felix asked, trying to lighten the mood. Minho sat next to Seungmin’s feet.

“I put a drop of love in there.”

Oh. Seungmin’s chest shook at Minho’s indirect confession. Seungmin didn’t deserve that love, not after everything he had done and been recently. He couldn’t even say anything back, that was how undeserving he was.

Searching for a distraction, he lifted a spoonful of soup up to his lips. It smelled familiar, but he couldn’t quite figure out what flavor it was, even after he put it in his mouth. His taste buds felt numbed.

The first few swallows were fine. They weren’t delicious or appetizing, but his stomach was growling at him for a reprieve, and the liquid barely appeased it.

One-third of the way through the bowl, his stomach was unsatisfied and the soup started sloshing around. Seungmin clamped a hand over his mouth and dropped the spoon, trying desperately not to spew his guts all over the bed - Minho’s bed, he realized all too late.

The tray was taken away and a small trash can was shoved into his arms. The jostling was enough to send him over the edge, and the soup came back out in the most unpleasant way, but this time there was a hand on his back and in his hair, which made the process a little more bearable.

Once his stomach was empty again, the heaving stopped, leaving him a sweaty, gross, panting mess. Someone took the can from him, and he lifted a hand up to his forehead, feeling so much worse than before.

“Do you feel like you’ll be sick again?” He just shook his head. “Do you feel any better?” He shook his head again. “I’m sorry, baby. I wish I could help more.”

They kissed his forehead, not minding his grubbiness, and his eyes burned, but he didn’t let anything fall. He knew that he could have prevented that if he had tried. Why did he throw up when he wasn’t actually sick?

It’s a good thing, a voice in his head supplied. Your body can expel its contents more easily than you thought.

Seungmin ignored it for now. Although it did sound good, it also sounded horrible.

No one made him eat again, for which he was grateful. He just rested his head on Felix’s shoulder until Minho returned, then he listened to them talk, wanting to sleep yet knowing that he couldn’t.

Seungmin couldn’t control when he slept, what he ate, his schedule, his emotions; everything was controlled by someone or something else, and he hated it. He hated not knowing what the future had in store for him. He had always been an organized person compared to his members, but everything was falling apart right before his eyes and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He fell asleep eventually, but it only felt like minutes before he was being shaken awake. He was lying down now, and it was much darker when he opened his eyes, coming face to face with Chan.

“Hey, Minnie. Are you feeling any better?”

After taking the time to think, he nodded. It was true; he still felt like he was breaking piece by piece, but he was calmer and stronger.

“Don’t worry about going to work tomorrow. Take the day off, and hopefully you’ll feel a lot better on Tuesday.” Chan kissed his forehead. “Want me to sleep with you?”

Seungmin finally registered the lack of warmth beside him, meaning that Minho and Felix had left. He shook his head; if anything happened overnight, he didn’t want Chan to be a witness. He couldn’t make Chan proud right now.

Chan just smiled and kissed him. Seungmin kissed back despite finding it gross, seeing as he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet after puking three times and they thought that he was literally ill. Chan should have prioritized his own health, not Seungmin’s comfort.

Chan ruffled his hair, then he left once he was assured that Seungmin would be fine, leaving a water bottle on the bedside table and closing the door. Seungmin rolled onto his side and fell back asleep almost instantly, fatigue overtaking his body.

Chapter Text

Contrary to Chan’s wishes, Seungmin was not feeling better on Tuesday. He had spent all of Monday lying in bed, answering his boyfriends’ calls every hour and trying his best to sound okay. Physically, he felt better - like he wasn’t going to puke at the thought of eating - but mentally, he felt worse. He had one day left. He hadn’t eaten a thing on Monday and drank a lot of water instead, hoping to flush everything out - or something like that. He hated lying to his boyfriends about his health, but it was his only option.

On Tuesday morning, he got up early with everyone else and did his usual routine, ignoring the anxiety simmering in his abdomen. The moment he stepped into the kitchen, everyone flocked to him, and he held his hands up in an attempt to disperse them.

“How are you feeling?” Felix asked first, standing in front of him.

“I’m fine now,” Seungmin insisted. “I probably ate something bad.”

The others nodded. They left him alone for the most part, but Minho handed him a plate of scrambled eggs - at least two, if not three. Although it was eggs, Seungmin scrunched his nose at the thought of consuming it. He knew that he had to, so he did, hiding grimaces at its blandness.

Suddenly, he felt bloated; he felt bigger than he ever had before, like he had eaten five hotdogs in a row. Why was he feeling like that? Last time, he felt extra empty. What was going on?

“You alright?” He looked up and saw Changbin standing in front of him with his arms crossed. He had probably been watching Seungmin eat to ensure that he wasn’t going to hurl.

“Yeah,” Seungmin smiled, jabbing his chopsticks into another piece of egg. He was only halfway done. “Just tired.”

Changbin ruffled Seungmin’s hair. “Go easy on yourself. You’ll have to be on your A game tomorrow, but today you can relax a bit. Come see us in the studio if you feel bad again.”

Seungmin nodded. His hyungs were definitely doing too much for him, but he hadn’t been sick for at least a year before now, so it was justified.

Getting to the company was easy. Seungmin’s first schedule was vocals with Jeongin, and it was just the two of them, which made him feel a lot more comfortable. When they got to a private studio, they quickly set up their music sheets from their last session, and Jeongin settled at the piano to begin their warm-up scales. Seungmin got through it painstakingly, only messing up on a few notes here and there, but he had just been “sick,” so it was okay. Jeongin didn’t comment on it, for which he was grateful.

Ten minutes in, Seungmin was losing focus. Jeongin’s words wouldn’t register quickly enough and the lyrics and notes just looked like drawings on the paper. He hadn’t had any issues focusing before, and he wasn’t sure what was causing it now.

“Hyung?”

Seungmin looked at Jeongin, who was clearly concerned.

“Yeah?”

Jeongin didn’t respond. He stood up instead and sat next to Seungmin on the couch, resting his arm behind Seungmin’s head.

“Let’s take a break,” he said, leaning back heavily.

“It’s only been ten minutes, though.”

“So?”

This wasn’t Jeongin’s usual behavior. Seungmin leaned back as well and looked into his eyes, seeing nothing. Jeongin easily noticed his confusion and sighed.

“I know something’s wrong,” he murmured. “Or, not wrong, but up. Something’s up. I don’t want to push, but we’re worried about you, and hyungs think that we should wait for you to come to us, but I feel like that won’t happen.”

Seungmin fidgeted with his fingers. He had known that already, but no one had really said anything yet, so he hadn’t thought about it. He couldn’t tell them anything, though, so Jeongin was right.

“I’m okay,” Seungmin whispered. “Maybe a little overwhelmed recently. But it’s nothing I can’t handle on my own, I promise.”

Seungmin would never make a promise that he couldn’t keep - never. And he didn’t. It was his own assignment, he could handle it. Besides, the last thing he wanted was to put more pressure on Jeongin, the maknae and Seungmin’s only dongsaeng.

“Okay, hyung.” Jeongin dropped his arm to wrap it around Seungmin’s shoulders, pulling him closer. Seungmin just rested his head on Jeongin’s shoulder, allowing himself to take in a little comfort.

Jeongin’s fingers spread and he placed his palm on Seungmin’s shoulder, squeezing. Something about it felt wrong, and Seungmin squirmed.

“You had breakfast, right?” Jeongin asked, rubbing his shoulder.

“Of course. Minho hyung made eggs.”

“And you ate well yesterday?”

Did Jeongin know?

“Oh, yeah, I did. There was stuff in the fridge. I made some rice too.” There was something acidic in his throat, and he swallowed thickly, feeling hot. He hated doing this to Jeongin.

The maknae bought it, and they both relaxed again. It was the most at peace Seungmin had felt in weeks.

They eventually got back to work. Seungmin found it a little easier to pay attention with how loose his muscles were.

Afterwards, they headed to the practice room together where Minho, Hyunjin, and Felix were warming up. They joined in easily, and Seungmin actually enjoyed stretching this time, exchanging a few words with the others.

Dancing was more difficult. He felt a little lightheaded constantly and tripped over his feet a couple of times, but he was mostly up to par with Hyunjin, whom he was watching through the mirror.

One hour later, the door opened, and everyone turned toward it. Seungmin’s heart stopped.

“Seungmin, can I see you for a second?” Eunseo asked sweetly. Seungmin took a shaky breath.

“Why?”

He saw anger flash behind her eyes before she was back to her usual persona. “Just for a minute. It’s about tomorrow.”

Seungmin knew that already. He sighed and followed her out to the hallway, relieved when she didn’t walk away.

“Your schedule changed,” she started, her voice much lower, “so the company changed a few things.”

Hope grew inside of Seungmin again.

“But that doesn’t mean I’ve changed anything. You still need to be at fifty-two tomorrow, understand? I don’t have time to check you today.”

Seungmin just nodded. He was wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, his usual attire recently, so she could tell almost nothing from just his appearance.

Then Eunseo left. Although Seungmin had learned nothing new, he felt something crashing inside of him, burning and breaking and falling apart. He hadn’t lied when he told Jeongin he was overwhelmed, and now more than ever.

He sat in the hallway for a few minutes to collect himself and clear his mind. He couldn’t worry anyone this week, because if they found out, things wouldn’t end well. He knew logically that if “things wouldn’t end well,” he shouldn’t be doing what he was doing, but he ignored that fact.

He could do this.

---

Seungmin didn’t want the day to end. He would rather stay in his endless pit of pain than confront Wednesday.

When it was time for him to go home, he considered staying to practice more, but the returning dizziness made him follow the others. Everyone - including 3RACHA - left the company at eight in order to be ready for Wednesday; they were going to eat a protein-filled dinner and get plenty of rest, as the dance practice recording was scheduled in the morning. Seungmin was just dreading everything.

He didn’t want to eat anything for the next fifteen hours, but he hadn’t eaten in thirteen already, and he didn’t want to pass out. Minho cooked for all of them, making a mix full of meats and veggies. Seungmin sat down with the others and hesitantly ate the food, but he was pleased when it actually tasted good. He missed having taste.

He felt a little bloated again while clearing his plate, but he ignored it. They all decided to just go to bed, and they would wake up at five in the morning to leave at six thirty. Seungmin let everyone wash up before him, so he spent a few extra minutes in the living room, just staring at the black television screen. He almost felt empty mentally.

Seungmin was lying in bed thirty minutes later. He was exhausted, but with his mind running rampant, sleep wouldn’t come. He knew that he didn’t make it down to fifty-two; he could feel it. If anything, he felt like he had gained weight, somehow. Eunseo was going to be so angry at him. Seungmin had no idea how she was going to react, what she was going to do.

He could barely breathe now as he tried to be quiet, not wanting to alert Minho or Hyunjin. He wanted to stop thinking about it and just sleep while he could. Although it took another hour, he eventually fell asleep, but he didn’t get any real rest.

When he woke up, he felt disoriented due to lack of sleep, among other things. Rather than an alarm blaring in his ears, someone was shaking his arm.

“Wake up,” they said much too loudly. Seungmin groaned. “Come on.”

After peeling his eyes open, he saw Hyunjin leaning over him, smiling.

“Get up, Seungmin-ah.” Hyunjin kissed his forehead, then he stood, expecting Seungmin to listen. He did. He already had a headache, and it was only going to get worse.

An hour and a half felt like a very long time to get ready; Seungmin could do it in twenty minutes if he tried. But he didn’t want to worry anyone, so he did his usual morning routine, managing to keep his mind on what he was doing, not on what he was going to be doing.

That was, until they climbed into the car. Seungmin bounced his leg rapidly and pulled on his fingers, his heart beating erratically in his chest. He still hadn’t weighed himself, but he didn’t think he looked any different. This wasn’t going to go well at all.

Felix was sitting beside him and could feel him shaking, so he held Seungmin’s hand, rubbing Seungmin’s thumb with his own. The warmth kept Seungmin a little grounded.

His legs were unstable while walking inside, so he didn’t let go of Felix and the older boy didn’t ask any questions. They went straight to the practice room, and Seungmin was vigilant, but he didn’t see Eunseo anywhere.

Maybe she’s out sick, he thought for a moment. That would be the best coincidence ever, but he highly doubted it. The directors were setting up different microphones and cameras, and they were preparing camcorders as well, so none of the stylists had arrived yet.

He started getting ready in a trance. Some of the members already had their outfits and were getting changed. Seungmin dared to look; his boyfriends were stunning - toned muscles, lean frames, strong bones. They were so much more than Seungmin. Why did he have to be so small?

The makeup artists soon entered the room and set up their things against one of the mirrored walls, calling each member over in groups of three. Seungmin was in the first group and sat down heavily. His makeup artist sent him a smile through the mirror - he couldn’t remember her name - and it was a little calming, yet he didn’t know why; maybe it was because someone who designed his look was being kind, was someone with whom he had been comfortable for years now.

When she was finished sometime later, she traded him for Minho, so he went to where the other members were, sitting on the floor with their phones. Seungmin remained standing and let his eyes wander.

Lost in blank thought, he almost missed when the door opened. He recognized the first woman who walked in as a stylist, and he recognized the third as Eunseo. She didn’t even look at him across the room, but he could see clothes in her hands - Seungmin’s outfit that he was not going to fit into, so she was going to pull him aside and yell and shout and blame him for everything that could go wrong. Seungmin didn’t even know what she was going to do for the outfit, if she had a replacement or not; it looked like she had only one outfit.

Eunseo finally glanced at him, and there was fire in her eyes. It punched the air right out of Seungmin’s lungs. She said something to another stylist before starting to walk over, stepping around the cords and bags on the floor.

Seungmin was wrong; he couldn’t do this.

“Bathroom,” he choked out, hoping that someone heard him. He didn’t waste a second before rushing toward the door and getting out of the suffocating room. He didn’t stop, knowing that she was right behind him, and ran down the halls, letting his feet take him somewhere familiar.

He went to the studio hallway and shoved a random door open, trapping himself inside. He was hyperventilating and trembling and too malnourished to hold himself up. He fell against the adjacent wall and slid down, feeling too small in the tiny room.

This wasn’t what he signed up for. He signed up to sing and dance and rap and perform on stage, not to fit into someone else’s clothes. This wasn’t what he had been wanting since he was a child. His life goal was to be an idol, and that didn’t include extreme weight loss. Seungmin knew that. So why did he let himself go this far? Why didn’t he stop before it was too late? He knew that it was wrong this whole time, but he had been too scared to speak up, and now he was crying in a studio when he was supposed to be with his members making content for their fans. Was he even an idol anymore?

Seungmin buried his face in his knees, and his breath caught at how bony they were. He had barely looked at his own body in the last few weeks, covering it up instead. He feared that looking would make him feel disgusted - either by how big he was or how small he was. He was too big according to Eunseo. He was probably too big according to himself. He was probably too big according to his boyfriends, but they would never tell him that directly. He had no real way of knowing.

He was falling apart again. He couldn’t catch his breath and his chest was collapsing. He had no idea what was going on anymore, because everything was just too much all of the time. He had never hit this low of a low before, and never alone; he usually had someone with him when he was having a bad day like this, because mental health was different from physical health, and he thought that mental health was more important in his line of work. If he was a little sick, he could heal, but if he felt bad mentally, he couldn’t without support. So he often confided in his boyfriends, and they made everything better. This time, he had no one, and it only made him feel more devastated.

He was glad that the studio was soundproof, because he couldn’t hold in his sobs when breathing was so difficult. He didn’t know what was happening in the practice room, if they were looking for him, if Eunseo was looking for him, if she was ready to rip his head off.

A hand grabbed his bicep and he jumped, almost smacking his head against the wall. He didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t Eunseo. She pulled on his arm, and he went easily no matter how much he fought.

“No!” he cried, trying to pull away. Eunseo stopped moving and tightened her grip painfully, a sharp glare on her face.

“Get your shit together, Seungmin. Seriously, how are you even in this group? You’re in here crying like a fucking baby for no reason. You have a job to do.”

She yanked him forward, and he cried out, thrashing. “Stop!”

She didn’t stop. When she reached the door, Seungmin dropped into a crouch, and she paused. She turned back to him slowly, then she smacked him, a lot harder than she had before. It hurt so much that Seungmin couldn’t even make a sound.

Seungmin wasn’t going to go like this. He wasn’t going to give up this time.

He planted his butt on the floor and tried to lie down, even though her hold wouldn’t let him. She continued tugging, and Seungmin started sliding. He couldn’t believe that he had literally no strength against her. He shouted through his panic, and when she turned the doorknob, he whined.

Where was she going to take him anyway? He had no idea.

Against his better judgment, Seungmin gave up. He quieted himself when she pulled him down the hallway, in the opposite direction of the practice room. He silently prayed that they wouldn’t come across anyone, as he didn’t want them to see him in such a distressed state. He still couldn’t breathe and his vision was murky.

They entered a room and she slammed the door shut. Seungmin fell down when she let go of him, pressing his forehead into the dirty floor.

“Get up,” Eunseo growled. Seungmin didn’t, and seconds later she gripped his hair and yanked his head up, making him whimper. He practically crawled as she dragged him across the room, and he had never felt so pathetic and humiliated. This was what he had been reduced to.

Seungmin realized belatedly that they were back in the stylists’ room. Eunseo tossed clothes at him, the same ones she had been holding earlier.

“This is your outfit. You have five minutes to change and get back to the practice room.”

Then she just stood there, watching him as he kneeled in front of her. He didn’t move, and she kicked his thigh like he was a piece of trash on the floor. He knew that he had no leverage, no power, no way out, so he slowly reached for the shirt and lifted it up. It was a long-sleeved crop top with loose sleeves and a tight torso, but it was covered in holes. He realized that there was an undershirt as well. The shoulders were more narrow than anything he had worn before.

Then he looked at the pants. They were similar to leather but stiffer, and they looked too slim for him. Seungmin hadn’t looked at his own body in a long time, preferring to keep his eyes up and wear baggy clothing, so he didn’t know how big or small he was.

Eunseo cleared her throat, and Seungmin looked up, sniffling.

“We don’t have all day.” She sounded threatening, like she was close to snapping. Seungmin didn’t want her to yell again. He quickly tore his hoodie off and put the undershirt on, then the crop top. They both hugged his waist tightly but were stretchy enough to fit, although the shoulders were a little uncomfortable. He stood up and stumbled to the side, slamming against the wall and blinking harshly against the black spots. Before he was fully recovered, he took his pants off and yanked the new ones on, having trouble when he got to his thighs. He pulled them up fully, but they were loose around his waist yet too tight everywhere else. There was no way that he was going to perform well in this.

“Fucking finally,” Eunseo scoffed. “If you blame your outfit for anything, you’re blaming me, and you know damn-well that it’s your fault. I made this just for you. I am expecting you to stand out on camera; I want my work in the spotlight, understand?”

It felt different all of the sudden. Seungmin felt like he was just a pawn in her little game, like she was using him rather than aiding him. It felt wrong. But everything felt wrong recently, so this was nothing new. Seungmin could handle it like he handled everything else.

Eunseo snatched his arm and dragged him across the room, pushing him to sit down in a makeup chair in front of a mirror on the wall. The fabric around his thighs compressed and he almost thought that the seams would rip, but they remained intact.

She grabbed a tissue and wiped the moisture from Seungmin’s cheeks, her movements rough and painful.

“I can’t believe you ruined your makeup like this,” she muttered under her breath. “You’re so much work.”

Tears filled Seungmin’s eyes, but he absolutely refused to let them fall this time. He hated being a disappointment, and he hated being a burden to someone. Those were some of the worst things he could possibly do, and he had been doing both of them for weeks. He was disgusted with himself.

Eunseo used the makeup in a nearby bag to fix Seungmin’s face, and based on her fluidity, he could tell that she knew what she was doing. Hopefully he would match the others in this sense, at least.

When she was done, his unshed tears had diminished, and only a few minutes had passed.

“Let’s go,” Eunseo said, zipping the bag up and putting it away. She walked to the door, then stopped and turned around. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Seungmin gasped and rushed to get to her side, following her through the door back into the hallway. He was lightheaded again and his heartbeat was loud in his ears. His pants were even more cramped while he was walking; he could only imagine how they would feel while he was dancing.

Before he knew it, they arrived at the practice room, and music was heard from outside the door. Eunseo didn’t pause before entering, so neither did Seungmin. He saw his members standing in the center of the room with cameras trained on them, not full-on dancing yet; they must have been warming up.

Chan turned toward the door first.

“Hey, perfect timing,” he smiled. “Where were you?”

Before Seungmin had to worry about answering, Eunseo said, “There was a small issue with his outfit, but we sorted it out. He’s ready.”

Seungmin nodded in support, and Chan beckoned him over. Seungmin quickly found his position and glanced up at everything in front of him, forgetting that there was a mirror there. He had to look away; he thought that he looked thinner than usual, but his shirt made him look a little bigger due to its thickness. The pants likely did nothing for him, and they were definitely going to be a problem.

His members suddenly started moving, so he did as well. It was fine at first, but anything that involved bending his legs or raising his arms was uncomfortable and borderline painful. He just wanted to get it over with.

His hearing was muffled, but he knew that they were starting the real recording when everyone quieted down and the music became louder. He decided on the spot to pour his heart and soul into his performance today - anything to hurry it up.

The numb feeling had been in Seungmin’s brain and body, but suddenly he could feel more - how empty his stomach was. He had been fine so far in that department, but of course nothing good lasted long. He despised the feeling of his stomach growling at him, and it reminded him of Eunseo’s growls. His stomach was mad at him just like Eunseo was, yet his stomach wanted him to eat, and, technically, she didn’t. How could he please them both, as well as his boyfriends? He didn’t think that was possible anymore.

“Seungmin.” He gasped and raised his head. Everyone was looking at him, even the camera directors. Chan walked up to him and spoke in a quiet voice, not to be heard by anyone but the members.

“Are you still feeling sick?” he asked. Seungmin shook his head. “Don’t lie to me. It’s okay if you are, we can push the video back a few days or do it without you for now. It isn’t a big deal.”

It isn’t a big deal. The thought of pushing it back or not doing it was tempting, but Seungmin couldn’t; he didn’t want to mess with anyone’s schedules, and he knew that Eunseo would be livid.

“I’m fine,” Seungmin insisted, ignoring his voice crack. “Just tired, I think. I can do this, I promise.”

Chan eyed him carefully but nodded. Seungmin recognized the look on his face; Chan was disappointed. He didn’t like that Seungmin was slowing them down. Chan sighed as he motioned to the director to continue, and when he walked back to his position, Seungmin felt like the eldest took a piece of his heart with him.

Seungmin tried to focus again, but he knew that his moves were stiff and that his facial expression was poor, both of which he couldn’t help. He just hoped that it wasn’t obvious.

After three attempts, they finally accomplished it, and it was Seungmin’s fault only one time; the others were due to another member misstepping, and while he wanted to feel bad, he was a little glad that he wasn’t the only one making mistakes, even though his were due to different reasons. He knew that his members were still upset with him, but it wasn’t just him right now. Multiple people were a little off.

As everything was being dismantled, their manager announced that they all had a one-hour break, and he was met with cheers. Seungmin simply walked to the couch where his bag was, and he noticed Jisung holding a camcorder out of the corner of his eye. He stiffened; he had forgotten that the behind-the-scenes was being recorded as well. He wasn’t in the room the whole time, so he probably wasn’t in the video very much.

When he sat down, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. A hand fell on his thigh and he jolted.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He looked up and saw Changbin sitting beside him. Seungmin felt dizzy again as he nodded. Changbin sighed. “You can lie down in the studio for a while if you want. We’re gonna head over there anyway.”

Seungmin wanted to say no, but he was exhausted and the day had barely begun. So he nodded, and Changbin held his hand while they stood, keeping him a little balanced. Chan and Jisung were standing in front of them.

“I love your shirt,” Jisung commented casually. “The style is cool.”

Seungmin had almost forgotten that his boyfriends could see his outfit. Seeing as they had enjoyed Eunseo’s outfit for him a few weeks ago, he had been expecting the same thing now, but no one had said anything yet. He wondered if it was because he wasn’t feeling well, or because they knew that something was going on with him. He hoped it was the former.

Then he realized that they were no longer in their outfits and had already changed.

“Where are your day clothes?” Chan asked him. Seungmin looked around and found no stylists, only a few directors and managers standing around.

“Stylists’ room,'' Seungmin whispered, ignoring the anxiety that squeezed his chest. Changbin brought him to the door while Jisung picked up Seungmin’s bag from the couch. Before Seungmin could say anything, Changbin continued walking with the other two at their heels.

They arrived at the stylists’ room, and all four of them entered without saying a word.

“Hello, Seungmin-ah,” a familiar voice called. Eunseo walked toward them with Seungmin’s things in her arms. “Here.”

Seungmin took the clothes with shaking hands and mumbled his thanks. He turned around, and Eunseo made a disapproving noise.

“Make sure to bring me my clothes back,” she said firmly. Seungmin was relieved that she wasn’t forcing him to stay or change in front of fifteen other people. He nodded and led the 3RACHA members back into the hallway and to the bathrooms. They still hadn’t said anything.

“I’ll just… change,” Seungmin said awkwardly, taking his hand away from Changbin. “You don’t have to wait for me. I know the way.”

“We know,” Changbin said, his voice weird. “We want to wait.”

Seungmin swallowed thickly and nodded once, then he went into the handicapped bathroom. He had grown to hate this room, associating it with Eunseo and discomfort. It made his stomach twist painfully just by seeing it.

Once the door was locked, he took a deep breath. He felt like he could space out for hours, but he knew that he didn’t have time for that, so he quickly squished his cheeks and rolled his shoulders. He didn’t look in the mirror while he took his clothes off, and rather than rushing, he was slow, not wanting to rip or stretch anything by accident.

When he was back in his hoodie and sweatpants, he felt a lot better. He opened the door and stepped back into the hallway. Chan, Changbin, and Jisung were talking to Eunseo, smiling genuinely at whatever she had to say. She held her hand out, and Seungmin gave her the clothes.

“Thank you,” she said, raising her eyebrows to show some kind of intent. “I’ll see you in two days.”

Eunseo walked away, and Seungmin was left standing awkwardly with his members. He felt like they were picking him apart piece by piece with their eyes, like Eunseo had told them something that was meant to be private.

Changbin grabbed Seungmin’s hand as they began walking again. One minute later, Seungmin mustered up the courage to ask.

“What was noona talking to you about?” His voice was almost shaky, but he held himself together. The thought of them knowing about everything that had been happening for the past three weeks was terrifying.

“She thought that we did well today,” Chan answered. “Apparently she helped our stylists a bit while they were designing and making the outfits, and she said that they turned out well.”

Eunseo thought that the others’ outfits had looked good - on screen, on their bodies. Eunseo thought that Seungmin’s outfit could have looked good if Seungmin was able to wear it correctly. He hadn’t looked as good as his members, and the thought made him wheeze out a strangled breath.

Seungmin was nothing compared to them. He had been thinking about that for a while, but now it was cemented in his brain, and everything was supporting the fact.

“You did very well today,” Jisung commented, taking Seungmin’s other hand. “Even though you weren’t feeling your best, you performed your best, and that’s all you needed to do. We’re proud of you, Seungmin-ah.”

Seungmin held back tears; he was never going to get tired of hearing that someone was proud of him, that he did something right, that he wasn’t being a disappointment. They never spoke this caringly, this softly, this deeply unless one of them was upset, but Seungmin wasn’t upset. He wasn’t crying or sulking or asking for any sort of help. He wasn’t distressed - not to the public eye, at least. He had no idea why they were talking to him this way, but he couldn’t show that he was affected, because then he would be upset and the treatment would increase tenfold.

Seungmin spared a glance at Chan, but he was looking at his phone, like he hadn’t heard Jisung’s words. Seungmin’s ecstasy dropped to the floor.

Chan didn’t feel the same way. Jisung was probably the only one who felt that way. Did it even matter if the leader of the group wasn’t satisfied with him? Seungmin needed to do better.

The rest of the trek to the studio was full of agony for Seungmin. Chan led the way, and once they were inside, Changbin pulled Seungmin over to the couch and made him sit down, kneeling in front of him.

“You look tired,” he said quietly. “Do you want to sleep, eat, or just rest?”

Seungmin wanted to sleep, and he said so. Changbin asked if he could join him, and Seungmin nodded without thinking; Changbin’s touch was warm, the opposite of Eunseo’s. It would be nice, especially now that Seungmin felt even more dejected.

Changbin lay on the couch on his back, then he opened his arms. Seungmin, again, didn’t think, and sprawled out on top of Changbin, sighing into the older boy’s neck when arms wrapped around him.

“You can sleep,” Changbin whispered reassuringly, combing his fingers through Seungmin’s hair. “I love you.”

That was the last thing Seungmin heard before he fell asleep.

---

When he woke up, it wasn’t because he was being shaken or roused; he woke up naturally. It was weird to feel so well rested. He lifted his head and realized that he was still on top of Changbin, and the older boy was sleeping. Looking around, he saw that Chan and Jisung were gone. He didn’t know what time it was, but their break was only for an hour, so it couldn’t have been too long.

Seungmin pressed his ear against Changbin’s chest and laid his hands on his shoulders, curling his arms and legs slightly in order to be touching him as much as possible. The rest of the world always faded away when he was in one of his boyfriends’ arms, feeling them, being loved by them. He hadn’t experienced this in a while.

He dozed off for a while and reawoke when the door opened. He didn’t move, hoping that the person wouldn’t make him, and heard nothing but shuffling.

Sometime later, the door opened again, but then they started talking, the voices distinctly Chan and Jisung.

“How long should we let them sleep?” Jisung whispered.

“The manager said a few more minutes,” Chan responded. “They’re adorable, though.”

Jisung hummed in agreement. “Should we just talk now? Or should we wait?”

“I’m not sure. I want him to come to us, he always does.”

“This feels different, hyung.”

“I know. If it gets worse, we’ll step in.”

“But we don’t even know what it is.”

Chan sighed. “We’ll talk to him soon, I promise”

Seungmin knew that they were talking about him. They knew that something was wrong and they weren’t going to let it continue because it was affecting his performance. The manager wanted to see him as well. Seungmin twitched, but he made sure to seem asleep.

A hand landed on his back, and he pretended to wake up, blinking owlishly. Chan was kneeling in front of the couch.

“Naptime is over,” he murmured gently. Seungmin slowly pushed himself up onto his knees, and Changbin’s arms fell to their sides. Seungmin sat there for a moment, straddling Changbin’s thighs and resting his hands on the older boy’s abdomen. The muscles were solid and soft underneath his palms, rising and falling in time with Changbin’s breaths.

“Seungmin.” Seungmin looked up and saw Chan smiling. “The manager wants to see you before your next schedule, okay? Just for a couple of minutes.”

Seungmin nodded, letting his eyes drift to the clock on the wall. He gasped; three whole hours had passed since break had started.

“You were tired,” Jisung said from his chair, “so we asked the manager if you could rest longer, and he said yes. We weren’t going to move you or Bin hyung, so he slept too.”

“Thank you,” Seungmin mumbled, rubbing his eyes. His arms shook when he raised them.

Chan rubbed his thigh. “Of course. We’ll be here for a while if you need anything. Don’t worry about what you’ve missed, just go where you’re supposed to be after seeing the manager.”

Seungmin nodded and stood, tripping over his own feet. Chan helped steady him for a few seconds until his vision returned.

“You okay?” the leader asked worriedly.

Seungmin nodded. “Just… still waking up, I think.”

Chan let him go after giving him a kiss, and Seungmin felt like he hadn’t kissed him in forever - he hadn’t kissed almost all of his boyfriends in forever. They must be so upset with him for pulling away. He felt like they weren’t making much effort to come to him either.

Seungmin took his time walking to the manager’s office. He wasn’t sure what they were going to talk about - his unexcused absences recently, his poor performances, how he wasn’t listening to Eunseo. Eunseo could have easily contacted him to complain about Seungmin. He relied on the knowledge that he wasn’t going to be fired, because he was certain of that; he had a contract for the next few years.

His stomach started cramping halfway there, and he pressed a hand against it, wincing. Then his stomach grumbled. Everything in his torso was either in pain or uncomfortable, and he hated it.

He knocked on the manager’s door and opened it upon receiving a welcome. The manager was sitting at his desk and gestured for Seungmin to sit down in front of him, so he closed the door and sat, taking a deep breath.

“How are you feeling?” the manager asked.

“Better. Thank you for giving me some time to rest. I’ll make up for it.”

The manager waved off his politeness. “It’s okay, you didn’t have much going on today after the dance practice recording. Speaking of that, I was watching the video earlier, and you were a little off. You seemed stiff.”

Seungmin froze. “Oh, um… Yeah, I was a bit tired.”

“Was your outfit the issue? Was it hindering your movements?”

“No!” Seungmin clarified quickly. He cleared his throat. “No, the outfit was good.”

He couldn’t say that the outfit was an issue, because then he would be saying that Eunseo was ruining his performance, and that wasn’t okay. He couldn’t blame her for all of his problems, and she would not handle that well.

The manager raised an eyebrow. “Your stylist told me that she didn’t have a lot of time to prepare your outfit, so it might have been too small. I figured that was the problem.”

Sweat fell down Seungmin’s temple. Eunseo never told him about that.

“So you’re getting along well?” the manager continued. “Her name is Eunseo, right? She hasn’t been with us for very long, but since your old stylist left, she was our best replacement.”

Seungmin nodded, fidgeting with his trembling fingers. “She’s… Yeah.”

He didn’t know what to say.

The manager sighed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. He stared at Seungmin for a few moments.

“I was also informed that you aren’t doing so well in your recent vocal lessons.”

Seungmin thought that he had been doing well singing-wise. He hadn’t been focusing on it as much when he had a lot going on outside of that, but that was a stupid mistake. He was the main vocalist, he had to be a good singer.

“And that you missed two lessons without giving a heads up. If you were sick and couldn’t sing, that would be understandable, but from the way I see it, you were skipping. Is that right?”

Seungmin couldn’t breathe. Getting in trouble with Chan was one thing, but getting in trouble with the manager was another. The manager could make his life more difficult or put more pressure on him. The manager could scold him and watch him carefully - and Seungmin really didn’t want to be scolded.

Seungmin didn’t skip lessons twice, though; he skipped one, then skipped a recording session, then was called out by Eunseo. She had told him that she notified his vocal instructor. Was she lying? Was she trying to get him in trouble? She was supposed to be his excuse.

Yet he couldn’t throw Eunseo under the bus. If he said that he was skipping, he was going to face the manager’s wrath. It was either him or her.

Seungmin nodded shakily, trying to form words around his swollen throat.

“I’m sorry,” he said scratchily, his eyes downcast. “I was—wasn’t sick. Just…”

With Chan, his excuse of preparing a surprise had worked; with the manager, that excuse wasn’t going to work, because then he would have to tell the manager what the surprise was. He could say that Eunseo was supposed to call him out, but that didn’t make sense because he didn’t need to see her, and it probably wouldn’t sound believable. So Seungmin just stopped speaking and stared at the desk.

“You can’t do that,” the manager said, stricter than before. “You need to attend all of your required schedules unless you have a valid reason to miss one. You aren’t in school anymore, where an absence is met with detention or a warning. This is real, adult life, and you’re an idol. You’ve been an idol for years. If you can’t handle it, we’ll have to figure something else out.”

Seungmin’s chest tightened from anxiety, the worst anxiety he had felt since the whole Eunseo situation began. He didn’t want to lose any aspects of his job. If it came down to telling everyone what had been happening or being fired, he would spill everything in a second. But things were easier said than done, and right now, all he could do was sit there, humiliated and chilled to the bone.

“Can you handle it, Seungmin?” the manager asked, clearly expecting an answer. Seungmin nodded quickly. “You’ve never done this before, so I’m trusting your judgment. But if this happens again, there will be severe consequences.”

Seungmin nodded again, his eyes filling with tears.

“If something comes up, tell me first, whether you need to miss something or you change your mind about handling it. You’ll need a good reason, though.” Seungmin nodded. “You can go to the rest of your schedules now.”

Seungmin stood and bowed, hoping that his bangs covered his face.

“I’m sorry, hyungnim,” he said, his voice wobbly. “Thank you.”

The manager nodded, so Seungmin turned around and left the room. His expression crumpled and he quickly ran into a handicapped bathroom, a different one from before, just down the hallway. He slid down the door and let the tears run, hyperventilating. He was too dizzy and his eyesight was too foggy.

Seungmin knew that he couldn’t stay here - not after the conversation he had just had. He needed to get to his schedule as soon as possible, yet he didn’t know where he was supposed to be.

He calmed down quickly, seemingly the quickest he ever had while alone. It was funny how a threat could mess with someone’s mentality so easily.

In a daze, Seungmin pulled his phone out of his pocket, planning on finding his schedule, but he saw a private text from Chan on his lockscreen.

Come to the studio when your practice is over.

Seungmin’s breath caught in his throat, and he took a moment to collect himself. That could mean so many things, but it was one sentence with punctuation and a flat tone, and he had just been there, so something must have just happened that they needed to talk to him about. The lack of context was very discouraging and scary.

He shoved it aside for now. It could be about anything - even just for a recording session or something.

Just as he opened his scheduling application, he received another text from Chan, but it was in the eight-person group chat.

We’re having a team meeting tonight in the studio, so come over after your schedules. We just have a few things to talk about.

Seungmin returned to his private messages with Chan, only to see that Chan had deleted the message. That could only mean one thing.

The meeting was about Seungmin. Chan must have changed his mind and decided to have every member present. Seungmin knew that he had been messing up a lot lately, but he didn’t think they were disappointed enough to require a full-on, serious conversation about it.

He needed to pull himself together. After his vocal session, it would be seven o’clock, which was likely when everyone’s schedules would end. Seungmin had to wait until then to decide how to handle his boyfriends, because he had a job to do - be an idol.

The dizziness wasn’t going away, so he stood slowly and left the bathroom after checking his face in the mirror. He didn’t look good, but he didn’t look worse than he did before, which was enough for the time being.

The instructor at his vocal lesson knew that he would be late, thanks to the manager, so it wasn’t an issue this time. That was a relief.

Now that he was aware of it, he noticed that his singing had gone a little downhill; the sound didn’t leave his throat as smoothly and clearly as it used to, and he was flat or sharp every few notes. His instructor commented on it sometimes, but he mostly just sighed, like there was no way to help Seungmin - like he was disappointed. Everyone was disappointed in him, and he didn’t know how to make things better.

Seungmin didn’t want it to end, but time flew, and his instructor was soon standing and telling Seungmin that he would see him later. He left, and Seungmin sat in a tense silence until his thoughts took over, then he had to pull out his phone and see what was happening at the studio.

Everyone else had responded with a thumbs-up emoji, indicating that they read the message. Seungmin didn’t send anything.

If he went to the studio, something bad was going to happen - he could feel it. If he stayed in the vocal room, something bad was going to happen later.

The pressure building in his chest hindered his ability to weigh his options, and he was too busy trying to breathe in and out. His stomach hurt and he was lightheaded and cold and he just wanted to go home and lie in bed for a few years.

He received a new text from Chan asking when he would be on his way. Seungmin didn’t click on the notification, not wanting Chan to know that he had read it already. He needed more time, and there were a few minutes left until seven.

He needed a lot more time. He couldn’t think through the fog that had built up over the hours. But he couldn’t have more time without concerning everyone even more.

Seungmin stood up, leaned against the wall for a minute, and left the room. He turned left toward the studios.

He had forgotten that the stylists’ room was on the way to the studio. Much to his luck, as he approached it, three people walked out.

Seungmin’s eyes fell on Eunseo, and her smile morphed into a scowl immediately.

“Oh, hi, Seungmin-ah,” she said plainly. She looked at the other two women. “Why don’t you go on ahead, I’ll talk to Seungmin a bit.”

They nodded and left without sparing him a glance. Seungmin stood still as Eunseo walked up to him, raising an eyebrow.

“What are you doing here?” she asked sourly. “Did you come to apologize?”

Seungmin swallowed thickly and shook his head.

“I’m going to the—”

“You don’t think I deserve an apology?”

Seungmin sucked in a breath.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’ll do better on—“

“You said that on Sunday.”

Seungmin nodded. “I was just—“

“Enough with the excuses,” Eunseo growled, frustrated. She walked back into the room and dropped her bag, going toward the scale. “Weigh yourself. Let’s see how incompetent you are.”

Seungmin felt nauseous. His legs moved on their own until he was standing on the scale, staring at the wall and waiting anxiously for her to speak. Similarly to last time, Eunseo grabbed his bicep and pulled him off of the scale. She dragged him to a small couch in the center of the wall and shoved him onto it, then she stood in front of him, displaying how much higher she was than him.

“What have you been doing?” Eunseo spat. Seungmin stared. “You aren’t even trying, are you? Let me guess, you go home and eat junk food all night.”

Seungmin shook his head frantically. “I’m not! I’m not doing—”

Eunseo slapped him. “Don’t raise your voice at me. I wasn’t finished. Based on what I’ve been seeing, you aren’t taking any of this seriously. You’re barely losing any weight. If it were me, I would have already hit fifty-two, because I care about my career and want to succeed. Do you want to succeed or not?”

Understanding that it wasn’t rhetorical, Seungmin said quietly, “I do.”

“Then tell me, what have you been doing that makes you weigh so much?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

Seungmin made eye contact and almost flinched away from her sharp, piercing gaze.

“I’ve been eating too much,” Seungmin whispered, his breath hitching. He didn’t know if it was true or not.

“I should have given you a strict diet, but I had assumed that you could figure that out yourself. I must have been wrong. You can’t do anything on your own, can you? You always need someone else to lead the way.”

That was true. Seungmin liked being independent, but he always needed someone else to get him started - usually Chan, Minho, or Jisung. He always needed help with something. He truly was incompetent.

“You need to cut down your food intake. You’ve barely lost a kilogram since Sunday.”

Seungmin speaks without thinking. “I was sick…”

“That’s not an excuse, Seungmin. I don’t want to hear it again.” She sighed. “You have another performance on Friday, but it’s live. You can’t run away like you did today. That’s just pathetic.”

Seungmin had been so focused on Wednesday that he had forgotten about Friday.

“You’re fifty-four-point-eight kilos right now, and you were supposed to be fifty-two this morning. The outfit I made for you was supposed to fit loosely, not tightly. If you were on schedule, you should be at fifty for Friday, but clearly that isn’t going to happen. You should easily be able to be at fifty-two by then, but I don’t know if you can even do that.”

“I can,” Seungmin said automatically, wanting to please her. When her words finally processed, his blood ran cold.

“Okay, then. You need to be fifty-two. I’m seriously expecting you to listen this time, got it?”

Seungmin nodded. He felt numb, and all of the new information was overwhelming.

“Measurements,” Eunseo announced, going across the room to the measuring tape. Seungmin scrambled to follow her. “I need to know what you are right now for reference. If you aren’t at fifty-two on Friday, I’ll have to prepare a whole new outfit that morning, and it’ll be a lot of work. We have a concept to follow, we can’t just grab anything. Should I make an outfit that’s a little bigger in case you can’t do it?”

Seungmin shook his head. “I can do it.”

He lifted his shirt for her to measure his waist. She sent him a small smile, and his heart jumped up to his throat. He did something right. She had never smiled at him like that before. It was a little unnerving, but Seungmin was too prideful for that to matter.

He made sure to do everything before she needed to tell him to, and he took her silence as approval. When she got to his inseam, he jumped; her knuckles were fully pressed into his upper-upper-upper thigh for what felt like a minute. The pride turned into disgust, and he remembered that an older woman was touching his body intimately in a way that only his boyfriends should. He didn’t like that.

“Okay,” Eunseo said, standing up. “It’s less than before, but barely. If you get to fifty-two, everything should work out perfectly.”

Seungmin wanted everything to be perfect; he wanted to be perfect. Eunseo would make him perfect.

“I think we’re done here,” Eunseo continued, putting the tape away. “Go home. Remember your diet.”

Seungmin bowed. “Thank you, noona-nim.”

She nodded. Seungmin left the room feeling lighter than he had felt before; knowing that Eunseo was a little pleased with him, that he had a new assignment to follow, lifted some of the weight off of his chest. He just had to lose two-point-eight kilograms in two days. He could do it; he had to do it.

Seungmin’s newest idea for losing weight seemed simple, and he decided to start now. The food he had eaten for breakfast was still in his stomach, and he needed to get rid of it.

The nausea returned naturally, somehow, and he went to the bathroom, locking the door just in time to fall to his knees and spill his guts in the toilet. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was a solution that he needed.

He threw up thrice, then he was done. He coughed and wiped his face, then he flushed the toilet and stood. His vision became spotty like usual, but it took more time for it to clear. That wasn’t a good sign.

Seungmin checked his phone. Only thirty minutes had passed, and although he had new messages questioning his whereabouts, he was a little relieved. Half an hour was much better than a whole hour. He had a real excuse this time.

Sorry, I was talking to my stylist about Friday. I’m on my way now.

He received a thumbs-up from Jisung, so he pocketed his phone and went to the studio with no more interruptions. He paused outside of it and took a deep breath. He was going to answer their questions in a way that hid what was going on yet showed some truth. Everything was going to be fine.

He entered the code and opened the door. Everyone was lounging around - 3RACHA in their chairs, DANCERACHA on the couch, and Jeongin sitting on the desk at the back. They all looked at Seungmin.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said quietly, closing the door.

“It’s okay,” Chan smiled. “C’mon, take a seat.”

There wasn’t much space left in the small room, so Seungmin settled on the armrest of the couch next to Hyunjin. The older boy smiled at him, so Seungmin returned it.

“We just have a few things to talk about, then we’ll head home together.” Everyone nodded. Chan sighed. It was silent for a few seconds, then he turned to Seungmin. “We’re worried about you.”

Chan wasn’t usually straight to the point; he liked to drag it out a bit, get some more information sneakily before bringing up the real problem. Seungmin didn’t know why it was different this time.

“Oh,” Seungmin responded awkwardly. “Why?”

It was Jisung who answered. “You’ve been acting weird. Like, you’re always tired and we never see you anymore, and you’re more closed off than usual. It was a sudden change, so we know that something is going on.”

It made sense that they had noticed that. That was probably the most obvious thing - fatigue.

“I guess… I haven’t been sleeping well.” It wasn’t a lie.

“Are you having nightmares?” Jisung asked. Seungmin shook his head.

“No, I just had that one. I don’t know why I’m having trouble sleeping.”

“Are you stressed?” Felix asked.

“Aren’t we all?”

Felix paused. “I mean, is it an anxiety thing? You seemed really nervous this morning.”

Seungmin remembered how he had been shaking in the car beside Felix on their way to the company. He had felt very anxious about the performance even though it was a simple dance practice video.

“I don’t know, it might be,” he answered. He didn’t want to share too much and trap himself in a corner.

“Can we help?” Changbin asked. Seungmin shrugged.

“It’s not that bad, really. I don’t know what you could do.”

Everyone was quiet for a few moments.

“If you want, the manager might be able to lessen your workload for the next week or two,” Chan said, “until you feel better. If stress and anxiety build up, eventually they’ll explode, and we don’t want that to happen. Try to catch it early, yeah?”

The mention of the manager made Seungmin tense. The manager had said that they could figure something else out. The manager didn’t think Seungmin was capable of maintaining the schedule he had had for years. Seungmin knew that he could do it; he just needed to get a better hold of himself. He wanted to make Eunseo proud, and that was what he was going to do. She would definitely be disappointed if he changed his schedule because of “stress.”

So, he shook his head. “I don’t want to change it, hyung. I think the problem is mostly sleeping.”

“Would sleeping with someone help?” Minho asked. “You know we’d all open our beds to you if you asked.”

Coming from Minho, that meant a lot. Minho never accepted physical affection that easily, and even less frequently offered it first. They must have been more worried than he had expected.

“That’s sweet, hyung, but I think I’m okay.” He forced a smile on his face.

“What about food?” Jeongin spoke up. “A change in appetite can mess with sleeping habits, and vice versa.”

Jeongin knew. Jeongin had to know. He knew that Seungmin was limiting his food intake. Jeongin’s behavior during their vocal session was weird enough, and Seungmin had had an inkling, but now it was confirmed. He had to be more careful.

“I’m eating the same as I used to.” He cleared his throat. “I mean, not really when I was sick, but that was only a few days. I still eat with you guys.”

“But you don’t,” a new, shaky voice interrupted. “You don’t eat with us. You eat breakfast usually, you don’t see anyone during your lunch break, and you aren’t at the dorm half of the time for dinner. If you want alone time, that’s fine, but… this feels extensive, Minnie. I mean, last month we spent almost every lunch break together! And now all that time together is gone, and… I miss it. I miss you.”

Hyunjin grew quieter over time. He sniffled, and Felix rubbed his thigh.

“If you don’t want to be with us, or some of us, you have to tell us,” Hyunjin continued, shocking the room into silence. Seungmin was punched in the gut with guilt.

He knew that he had been spending less time with them, but he didn’t think it was that bad. He had been too distracted by everything else. He hadn’t realized that Hyunjin was the one waking him up most mornings and bringing him breakfast. He hadn’t realized that he was pulling away enough to make them doubt his love and loyalty.

Seungmin glanced at everyone else, and they were just staring at him. They felt the same way.

Hyunjin sniffled again with a wet gasp, and Seungmin felt his own eyes burn.

“Hyunjinnie, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. He wanted to pet Hyunjin’s hair, hug him, something, but he felt incapable of such a thing. Felix was doing the job for him.

Seungmin had pulled away so much that he couldn’t even comfort his own boyfriend.

“I do,” he continued, wobbly but strong. “I do want to be with you, I promise. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize I…” He gulped. “I love you all so much, I’m so sorry.”

Hyunjin stood suddenly and wrapped his arms around Seungmin, so tightly that he almost couldn’t breathe. Hyunjin’s face was buried in his hair, wetting it, but that was the last thing on Seungmin’s mind.

It was easy for Hyunjin to become emotional or insecure. He was more sensitive like that, but he was also stronger, Seungmin thought. Hyunjin was always able to hold himself together if someone else was upset, so he could comfort them before worrying about himself. Seungmin couldn’t do that; he would comfort them, yet he wouldn’t be able to hide his own emotions. But now, Hyunjin was the only one showing how upset he was, and he had likely been hiding how he felt for a while - all because of Seungmin.

“I love you,” Hyunjin whispered. He pulled back to cup Seungmin’s cheeks aggressively, making his lips pout. He wiped the tears that Seungmin hadn’t noticed were falling. “I love you. I’m here for you, we all are, so please, come back to us. We can’t lose you.”

“You won’t,” Seungmin said mushily, rubbing Hyunjin’s wrists. “I’m staying. I was just… The stress got to me or something. But I’m here. I’ll be here.”

He didn’t know what else to say. He sniffed back more tears and focused on Hyunjin instead, wiping the older boy’s cheeks. Hyunjin needed it more than he did.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin repeated. Changbin, Jisung, and Felix quickly joined the embrace, squishing them both and eventually making Hyunjin giggle. Seungmin smiled, ignoring the fact that Chan didn’t want to hug him.

When they separated, Hyunjin smacked Seungmin’s shoulder somewhat harshly. The younger boy held it with fake pain on his face.

“Don’t do that again,” Hyunjin scolded, too cute with his pink face to be threatening.

“I won’t,” Seungmin said softly. Hyunjin sat back down with a sigh and rubbed his face, groaning.

Seungmin looked up again, and the sight of his other boyfriends made him remember what was actually going on.

“I’m sorry,” he said to the room, looking at the floor. “I love you all. I’ll try to do better.”

He had said the same thing to Eunseo, but this time he knew that he could do it. She had been disappointed; his boyfriends would be proud. He would make Chan proud.

They all - sans Hyunjin - told him that it was okay, but he knew that it wasn’t. The meeting ended there, and they all packed up to leave. While they walked through the hallways, Seungmin found himself at Hyunjin’s side, intertwining their fingers.

“I’m really sorry, Hyunnie,” he said again.

Hyunjin smiled. “I know. You were struggling already. But in order to make it up to me, you have to sleep in my bed tonight.”

Seungmin nodded without a thought, needing to make Hyunjin happy.

When they got to the dorm, they had to eat dinner, which Minho would make. Seungmin was a little worried, but with his new plan, he could eat with them. He just needed to go to the bathroom afterwards.

Everyone was louder than usual. Seungmin must have dampened their spirits a lot, so now that they knew he was somewhat okay, they could enjoy themselves again. It made Seungmin feel better as well, and he was able to forget about Eunseo, about Friday, about his weight and flaws.

He ate with them, and there were a lot of vegetables and meats. At least it was healthy. He stayed at Hyunjin’s side for reassurance, but he noticed Jeongin looking at him from across the table. Seungmin never looked back, too anxious to do so. He didn’t want to see what Jeongin was thinking, and he didn’t want Jeongin to see what he was thinking.

After dinner, Seungmin “showered.” He used the showerhead to drown out the sound of him puking. Nausea didn’t come naturally this time, and he sat on the floor for a few minutes, contemplating. Sticking fingers down his throat was bound to work, but he felt like that was more so acknowledging the issue at hand - like that would make his eating problems real.

He didn’t have a choice, though. He just had to forget about it afterwards.

It was easier than expected. His gag reflex had always been very present, so within seconds he was expelling his dinner into the toilet. His throat burned more than it usually did while throwing up, and his eyes watered.

When he was done, he didn’t feel like he was done. He felt like there was more inside of him. He repeated the process and was right, but then all that was left was bile. He coughed and wiped his face, then flushed the toilet. He climbed into the shower quickly to cool down and do what he had said he would.

He decided not to wash his hair; it felt like too much effort, and he was drained. After a few minutes, he hopped out and got dressed in his usual attire, brushed his teeth extra well, then he went to his room. Hyunjin was lying in bed and Minho was in his own.

Hyunjin looked up and dropped his phone onto the mattress. His arms opened, and Seungmin knew that there was nowhere else to go.

He figured that it was possible for Hyunjin to feel that he had lost weight, but Changbin hadn’t seemed to notice, and Seungmin couldn’t leave him high and dry. He fell halfway on Hyunjin and halfway on the bed, and the older boy grunted, wrapping Seungmin up.

“Seungmin-ah,” he whined. Seungmin lifted his head and saw Hyunjin’s puckered lips. He rolled his eyes, then he leaned down and gave him what he wanted. Hyunjin made it slow and sweet, full of love, and Seungmin sighed contentedly. He hadn’t had such an intimate moment with anyone in a month. It felt nice; it felt like a reprieve from Eunseo.

Hyunjin rubbed his back up and down slowly, his other hand at Seungmin’s nape. Seungmin only realized what was happening when Hyunjin flipped them over, caging Seungmin against the bed. He kissed down Seungmin’s cheek, chin, and neck, causing Seungmin to tremble slightly. He hadn’t been sexually intimate in months, and he hadn’t been subject to this in probably two months, so he felt extra sensitive.

When Hyunjin squeezed his hips, though, he jolted.

“Jinnie,” he said quietly. Hyunjin hummed, continuing. “Not now.”

Hyunjin sighed and looked up with a pout, but Seungmin knew that he wasn’t too upset. He held Hyunjin’s hands in his own and caused the older boy to lean on his forearms, bringing them a little closer.

“Is this okay?” Hyunjin whispered, ducking down to kiss under Seungmin’s ear. It felt too good to pass up.

“Yeah.”

Seungmin closed his eyes and let Hyunjin do as he pleased, keeping Hyunjin’s hands against their chests. Hyunjin couldn’t leave any marks because of the performance on Friday, but kisses felt just as good, if not better, in Seungmin’s opinion. He melted into the mattress and could have fallen asleep, but he didn’t want to yet.

Hyunjin stopped, and Seungmin almost whined. Hyunjin rolled them onto their sides and wrapped an arm around Seungmin’s shoulder to play with his hair, still holding his other hand.

“You sure you’re okay?”

Seungmin nodded. At this moment, he was more than okay.

“Are you?” he asked in return. Hyunjin smiled.

“I am. I probably overreacted a bit.”

Seungmin quickly shook his head. “You didn’t. Now that I think about it, I have been separated more, I just didn’t realize. I won’t let it happen again.”

Hyunjin leaned in for one final kiss, then he rested their foreheads together and closed his eyes. Seungmin did as well.

All he could think about was how amazing it felt to lie here with Hyunjin and how much he had been missing it. If it weren’t for Eunseo, he never would have changed and he never would have upset anyone. He wanted to blame her, but deep down he knew that it was his fault. After he made her proud in a day and a half, she wouldn’t be as rough with him. He just needed to work on his self-control.

I can do it, Seungmin thought, smiling bitterly. I’ll make noona proud.

Chapter Text

Minho’s suggestion of sleeping with someone else was actually a good idea; although Seungmin had been sleeping, he hadn’t felt very rested afterwards. After his nap with Changbin, he felt better than usual, and after sleeping with Hyunjin, he felt more awake.

There was a slight pep in his step because he felt a lot better than usual - still hungry and weak, but now hopeful. He could eat and not worry his boyfriends, yet he could also lose weight and please Eunseo. It was a win-win-win.

During breakfast, he could see Jeongin watching him again out of the corner of his eye. Seungmin made sure to eat everything on his plate, and although the maknae’s frown didn’t leave, he stopped staring.

Seungmin went to the bathroom to get ready. He couldn’t use the shower head this time, so he turned on the sink faucet before stuffing his fingers down his throat. He didn’t think he was loud, so it was okay. His throat hurt more than it had the night before and there were small indents on his knuckles, but he figured that it would improve over time. He drank a lot of water afterwards in an attempt to soothe his throat, but he wasn’t sure if it was helping or not.

He found out during his vocal session that it did not help. His voice was a little raspy and he couldn’t hit the high notes.

“Are you still sick?” his instructor asked.

Seungmin shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. My throat’s just sore today, I think.”

The instructor nodded. “Well, you’ll need it for your performance tomorrow. Rest it as much as you can today, and drink herbal tea and lots of water. Maybe have some soup tonight with dinner.”

All of Seungmin’s hope disappeared. This was his only solution, his only way to please Eunseo, so he had to keep doing it; however, not being able to sing would disappoint both his boyfriends and their fans. Eunseo would probably be upset that Seungmin couldn’t show her work off well.

“Okay,” Seungmin whispered. The instructor sighed.

“Here, how about this; go down to the cafe and get some tea. We’ve got forty minutes left here, but I would rather you save your voice than sing right now. Come back here once you get it.”

Seungmin nodded and stood, leaving the room. His new anxiety skyrocketed, because Eunseo might be out here. He wasn’t heading toward her room, so he tried to forget about it.

He looked down at his left hand. Just above his knuckles on his index and middle fingers were short, pink lines, only noticeable if he focused. He knew that that was a bad sign - not to mention his sore throat - but he didn’t think he had a choice. He needed to be fifty-two kilograms; this was the only solution.

When he got to the cafe, he asked for matcha green tea. He had drunk it before, but he didn’t really like its bitter taste. It was better than some of the other options, though.

On his way back to the studio, he looked up on his phone if matcha could make him gain weight. His eyes widened. Matcha tea actually boosted metabolism. He could drink one or two cups per day, even three, and it could burn belly fat. That meant that he could continue expelling the food he ate, soothing his throat, and losing weight, and he would make everyone happy - his boyfriends by eating more meals with them, and Eunseo by becoming thinner.

He smiled to himself and began drinking the tea. Maybe this would work out nicely. As of right now, he only had an assignment for tomorrow afternoon, so he only had a day and a half left of this. Eunseo might not expect him to lose more weight afterwards.

For the rest of his vocal session, he drank the tea and took thirty minutes to just rest. His instructor thought that it would be good for him even though Seungmin had skipped two sessions in the last few weeks.

“If your throat hurts during dance practice,” his instructor told him before he left, “I advise you to sit out some of it or dance lighter. It’s better to rehearse tomorrow morning with a healthy throat than practice now and have a bad throat tomorrow.”

That wasn’t very good. His boyfriends were going to be worried, and Chan was going to be frustrated having to deal with Seungmin and the performance, as he would want to make sure that Seungmin was in tip-top shape lest he made a mistake. He couldn’t miss the performance because of a simple sore throat.

Seungmin finished his tea just before dance practice started. When he walked into the practice room, he acted normally and didn’t tell anyone about his throat. He just had to speak as little as possible, that was all.

“Hey,” Jeongin said as he approached Seungmin, who was sitting on the couch waiting for practice to begin. Seungmin smiled, and Jeongin sat beside him. “We’re gonna go out for lunch today. I convinced the manager to give us all a simultaneous break for it, and hyungs agreed.”

Jeongin knew. Jeongin knew, and Seungmin wasn’t sure what he was trying to do - to make Seungmin admit that he wasn’t eating, to make sure himself that Seungmin ate, to get them all together for Hyunjin’s sake. But now Seungmin had to eat enough to reassure Jeongin, then puke enough to get rid of all of it. It was going to be torture.

“You okay?” Jeongin asked. Seungmin nodded. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin rasped. He cleared his throat, and the scratchiness went away for the most part. “I’m good, just a bit tired.”

Jeongin sighed. “Me too. But today is a light day, so hopefully we can rest a lot tonight.”

Their schedules ended at a reasonable evening time today, which was both good and bad; they could all relax together, but Seungmin might have to eat dinner as well depending on when he arrived at home. His throat was sore after one day of puking, and he had a whole other day ahead of him.

Jeongin wrapped an arm around Seungmin. He leaned his head on the maknae’s shoulder, wanting to prove that he was okay. He didn’t think Jeongin was buying it.

“My babies!” someone squealed. It was Changbin walking up to them with a smile. He plopped down on Seungmin’s other side and smothered the younger boys, putting all of his weight on Seungmin.

“Hyung,” he groaned, coughing. Changbin didn’t relent, his hand reaching all the way across Jeongin’s shoulders. He dug his nose in Seungmin’s hair.

“But Seungminnie,” Changbin whined, kissing sporadically, “I wanna see you!”

“You can see me from a few meters away,” Seungmin countered, his voice raspy again. Changbin stilled.

“Is your throat okay?”

“You’re squishing me!”

Changbin sighed, accepting the lie, and leaned back on his haunches.

“Such a drama queen,” he chuckled fondly. “How were vocals?”

Seungmin cleared his throat. “Good.” He definitely needed to get more tea soon.

They all relaxed again, and Changbin held Seungmin’s hand while playing a game on his phone. Seungmin just rested on Jeongin and watched the quiet commotion around the room. Chan was talking to the choreographer, Minho and Jisung were sitting against a wall watching something on Minho’s phone, and Hyunjin was messing around with Felix, slow-dancing together.

His gaze caught on Chan, and his heart rate increased. Chan didn’t look happy. Seungmin had a feeling that he was the main cause. The choreographer also didn’t look happy, and it was probably all Seungmin’s fault.

When practice started, Seungmin danced as well as he could to stay in the clear. His throat was only a problem when he talked, so he only spoke when spoken to. He constantly felt lightheaded and stumbled a few times, but he didn’t think anyone noticed. Minho didn’t call him out on anything, so he must have been doing a good job; no one actually told him that, though, so he wasn’t sure.

Dance practice was weirdly short - probably because of their extended break time. They all gathered in the eight-seater van with Changbin driving, and Seungmin found himself at Jeongin’s side; Jeongin had been sticking close to him during dance practice while having water breaks and had walked with him through the halls. Seungmin wanted to think of it as unusual clinginess from the maknae, but he knew that it was just worry.

“Excited?” Jeongin asked, holding Seungmin’s hand.

“Oh, yeah, I am,” Seungmin said awkwardly. “It’s been a while.”

Jeongin hummed. “We’ve been pretty busy. It’ll be nice to get some good restaurant food for once.”

Seungmin nodded, swallowing thickly. He couldn’t forget about the fact that Jeongin knew. He didn’t know why Jeongin wasn’t doing more. He probably only had a hunch - that, or he didn’t care a whole lot that Seungmin wasn’t eating and just wanted to analyze him. Seungmin couldn’t tell what was more believable.

Chan turned around from the passenger seat and cleared his throat.

“Everyone, the manager just texted me. We’ve got fifty minutes until we have to be back, so that’s plenty of time. Also, I know it’s kind of impromptu, but we’ve got an interview and performance on Monday. Our schedules are gonna be altered a bit for the weekend.”

Seungmin’s heart dropped to the floor.

“No,” Hyunjin groaned. “I was looking forward to an easy weekend!”

Their schedules were supposed to be very light on Saturday and Sunday - beginning at nine and ending at five. They were all excited to spend time together and relax, but now they had to fit most of Monday’s schedules into the excess hours.

“It shouldn’t be too bad,” Chan said, looking down at his phone. “We’ll probably start earlier but end at the same time, so we’ve got the evening together at home. We’ll have to reschedule the recording session that we already tried to reschedule.”

That made everyone feel better - except for Seungmin. He was growing hot underneath his clothes, his palms were clammy, and his chest was tight. He was messing with 3RACHA’s schedule once again. Another performance meant another concept, which meant another outfit, which meant Eunseo. She was probably planning more weight loss; she had wanted him at fifty instead of fifty-two, after all. Seungmin wondered how far she was going to go this time.

“Hey.” He lifted his head and saw Jeongin watching him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Seungmin replied, forcing a smile. “Why?”

Jeongin paused before shrugging and looking out the window. “I dunno. Nothing.”

Seungmin sighed shakily. He just needed to forget about Monday for the next hour so that he could enjoy himself with his boyfriends and show them that he loved them.

The sight of the restaurant made Seungmin’s stomach growl. He was dizzy while walking into the building, so he held Jeongin’s hand a little firmer and breathed evenly, willing himself to act normal.

He ended up between Hyunjin and Jeongin at the table. He rested his free hand on the older boy’s thigh, and Hyunjin turned toward him, surprised. Seungmin smiled, and Hyunjin patted his hand before resuming his conversation with Felix.

The menu made him nauseous. Everything was greasy, fatty, sugary - unhealthy. Seungmin wasn’t going to get out of this unscathed.

He found the soup section. His vocal instructor had told him to have soup for his throat, but that wasn’t enough food to appease Jeongin. There was a lot of American food, and the pictured hamburger made Seungmin’s mouth water. He hadn’t had a hamburger in a long time.

Fuck it, Seungmin thought. If he was going to be puking later, then did it really matter what he ate?

Jeongin stared at him as he gave the waiter his order. Jeongin finally let go of his hand, and relief grew inside of Seungmin. He really needed to get Jeongin off of his back.

The food looked absolutely ravishing when it arrived. Seungmin couldn’t help himself; he picked up his big, fat, juicy hamburger and took a bite. It was the tastiest thing he had ever had in his life. He had to stop himself from eating too quickly, because he couldn’t risk throwing up here, in a restaurant and surrounded by his boyfriends.

Seungmin only managed to eat half of the burger before needing to set it down. It sat heavily in his stomach, and he was disgusted, but he had to deal with it. He had ordered a side of fruit, so he picked what he liked out of the small bowl for a while.

“We’ve got ten minutes,” Chan announced through the conversations bouncing around the table. Seungmin sighed and grabbed his burger again, taking another bite. Jeongin asked if he needed a box, but he shook his head. He ate enough until there was only one bite left, then he offered it to the maknae, who smiled and opened his mouth. Seungmin fed him, and a genuine smile grew on his own face; he hadn’t taken care of his only dongsaeng in ages. He needed to do better.

Seungmin wasn’t thinking about Monday anymore. He truly loved spending time with his boyfriends, and he wished that his only priority could be them - not anything to do with Eunseo.

He almost regretted eating such a large meal when he realized how full and bloated he was as they left the restaurant, but Jeongin was no longer analyzing his every move. They sat side by side in the car again, but they didn’t hold hands nor speak to each other, with which Seungmin was perfectly fine.

They had ten extra minutes when they got to the company, so they planned to hangout in the lobby, but Seungmin had other plans.

“I’m gonna go,” he said as they entered. Everyone looked at him.

“You don’t wanna stay?” Chan asked, confused.

“No, I just want to work on my vocals a bit more for tomorrow,” Seungmin lied easily. They accepted his decision, and after sharing seven kisses, Seungmin left for the studios. On the way, he stopped at the bathroom.

This was the scary part. He hated having to make himself throw up, and he had a feeling that this time was going to be worse with a sore throat and more food in his belly.

Taking a deep breath, Seungmin kneeled in front of the toilet. He held onto the seat and stared into the bowl for a minute, trying to collect his bearings. He had to do this; he had to be strong.

It was very painful. He jammed his fingers into his mouth, and the food came up almost instantly. Tears streamed down his cheeks and his throat burned.

Although it hurt more, it was easier to do. When he was finished, he fell back against the wall, panting. He wiped his face, then flushed the toilet. He didn’t dare stand up; he almost felt drained, and he wanted nothing more than to go home and lie in bed, but that wasn’t an option. Instead, he buried his face in his hands. He despised this.

Some time later, he crawled over to the sink and used it to stand. He leaned against it for twenty seconds until the black spots faded, then he washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face. He had plenty of time to spare, as he was supposed to have a solo private vocal session, where he worked on his own things by himself. That was perfect.

Seungmin’s first mission was getting more tea, painkillers, and lozenges. After making sure that he looked okay, he went down to the cafe and got another matcha tea, then to the nurse, telling her that it was all precaution for the performance tomorrow. She gave him two pills and lozenges along with instructions that he didn’t care enough to listen to.

The rest of the day was slow and miserable. He didn’t have to sing more, though, which was good. He sucked on lozenges and drank water and tea, unable to quell his hunger that seemed to increase.

At the end of the day, he got another matcha tea and sat at a table to drink it; it was dinner time, and no one had said anything about eating together, so he was using this as his excuse. The soup he was planning on having would be for breakfast before the performance, and hopefully he wouldn’t have to eat anything else.

Seungmin was one of the last ones home, fifth only to 3RACHA. Everyone was already in their bedrooms, so he quickly brushed his teeth extra well and washed up. He glanced at the scale and shook his head; he couldn’t weigh himself now or he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He could in the morning if he felt like it.

He walked into his bedroom and found Minho asleep and Hyunjin on his phone.

“Hi,” Hyunjin whispered.

“Hi,” Seungmin whispered back as he began changing into new clothes, using the darkness as cover.

“Are they home?”

Seungmin shook his head, knowing exactly whom Hyunjin was talking about. “Not yet.”

Hyunjin sighed. Seungmin lay down in bed and plugged his phone into its charger.

“Wanna cuddle?” Hyunjin asked quietly.

Seungmin froze. “Not tonight? I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t be, Min. I'm fine either way, I was just asking. Sleep well, alright?”

Seungmin wasn’t sure if Hyunjin was lying or not, but he wasn’t going to question him. “You too.”

Hyunjin returned to his phone, and Seungmin rolled over. He felt weird and uncomfortable, but there was nothing he could do about it, so he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, needing the extra energy for Friday.

---

In the morning, Seungmin was actually not feeling too bad - physically, he was, but he thought that he was lighter than he used to be. He was eager to check his weight now, but he had to wait until after eating so that he could see what Eunseo would see - and if he needed to expel his breakfast or not.

He convinced the others that he only needed soup and he could have a protein bar later if necessary. They let him go, and Seungmin was grateful for the lozenges, as they definitely made his voice sound more normal and no one noticed anything off. He made a bowl of soup, ate it slowly, and took another lozenge to maintain his throat. He took two painkillers when he noticed an oncoming headache.

When it was his turn for the bathroom, he was nervous. His weight right now would determine the rest of his day. He didn’t have a lot of time to spare after getting ready, so he only took a few seconds to steel himself before stepping onto the scale. He closed his eyes and prayed silently, feeling like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. He backed up and looked down.

Fifty-one-point-nine.

Time froze. The world stopped turning. Seungmin couldn’t breathe. He did it - barely, but he did it. For the first time ever, he had completed one of Eunseo’s assignments.

Seungmin bounced on his toes and covered his mouth, trying not to make noise. He hadn’t felt this overjoyed and relieved in his whole life. Eunseo was going to be happy with him, she was going to praise him, she wasn’t going to be mad. It felt like a dream come true.

He took a deep breath, unable to stop smiling. He didn’t have to make himself throw up today, which was another huge relief. There were light teeth marks on his knuckles, but he didn’t think they stood out unless someone looked closely.

Seungmin left the bathroom and almost ran into Minho. The older boy grunted, then stared.

“Why are you so happy?” he grumbled. “It’s, like, eight a.m.”

Seungmin shrugged. “Just a good day. We’re performing!”

Minho chuckled, confused. “Yeah, we are.” He shook his head in amusement before walking away. “You’re a dork.”

It sounded fond, and Seungmin basked in the feeling of being adored. Was this the best day of his life?

His empty stomach, lightheadedness, and weakness were recurring yet forgotten. That didn’t matter, not when Eunseo was going to be proud of him.

The others were befuddled at Seungmin’s energy, but he didn’t need to explain anything other than they were performing. He received some weird looks but didn’t care.

When they left for the venue, his legs were bouncing, but for a very different reason from Wednesday. This was excitement, not anxiety. He couldn’t stop thinking about what was going to happen.

He stumbled when he got out of the car and would have fallen over if it weren’t for Changbin’s sturdy body in front of him. That made Seungmin’s mood drop slightly; he needed to perform well, otherwise all of this would have been for nothing. Eunseo wanted him to represent her work, not just wear her clothes.

“You good?” Changbin asked, slowing down to hold Seungmin’s hand. The younger boy nodded, still dizzy.

“Yeah, sorry. Just tripped.”

Changbin squeezed his hand and continued walking. The dizziness wasn’t going away, and it took extra effort to stay upright. That wasn’t good.

They entered the green room, and when they were directed toward benches, Seungmin quickly claimed a seat, breathing in puffs. Someone kneeled in front of him, but he couldn’t make out their face.

“Seungmin? Are you okay?” It was Jisung. “Minnie?”

“Fine,” Seungmin mumbled. He closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath.

“Open your eyes,” someone shouted, grabbing Seungmin’s shoulders. They said something else, but it was all muffled. Seungmin felt uncomfortably hot and sweaty, yet before he could attempt to cool off, his world faded away into darkness.

---

Minho considered himself to be observant of his surroundings. He was good at reading people's faces, especially his boyfriends’, whom he knew the best. He could tell when Chan needed a break, when Changbin got too far in his head, when Hyunjin was feeling insecure, when Jisung hadn’t been sleeping well, when Felix was homesick, when Seungmin was so selfless that he forgot about himself, and when Jeongin was overworking his voice and body. If he saw an opportunity, he would talk to them and help them.

Things had been weird lately. Their schedules had been changing suddenly and randomly, and everyone was feeling a little stressed. Minho watched everyone more closely during dance practice and kept an eye on 3RACHA to make sure that they were taking care of themselves. He kept an eye on the maknaes when Chan couldn’t. He kept an eye on himself so that no one else had to.

Needless to say, he noticed when Seungmin started acting strange. It was a gradual yet sudden change; he spent less time with them, seemed less energetic, and wasn’t excited to see them. He was more jumpy and nervous, and he was making unusual mistakes in practice. Minho didn’t want to single him out, so he made quick comments while they were dancing, and Seungmin was able to fix his footwork like the hard worker he was.

Minho assumed that it was nothing at first - just usual idol stress. But then Seungmin missed a scheduled recording session, which was completely out of the blue.

“What if he’s in danger?” Jisung asked, anxiously nibbling on the end of his pen.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Chan said calmly, trying to call Seungmin. “He isn’t answering.”

“Should we go look for him? What if he’s—”

“Jisung-ah, enough with the what-ifs,” Changbin scolded. Jisung shrunk.

“Sorry.”

“All of you calm down,” Hyunjin said shakily yet confidently, sitting up straighter on the couch. “This is Seungmin we’re talking about. If he isn’t here, he’s probably just…”

He trailed off, and everyone understood; Seungmin was rarely late to schedules, much less forty minutes late. Minho and Hyunjin had already finished their lines, and only Seungmin was left.

“He was late to practice,” Changbin supplied. Chan huffed at the memory.

“He said he was working on a ‘surprise.’ He never lies to us, but… I don’t know, it was weird. I told him not to do that during our schedules. And he missed a whole vocal lesson too. I don’t want to tell the manager because I know he’ll be in trouble, but I should. If Minnie won’t listen to me, he’ll listen to the manager.”

“We should work this out within the group first,” Minho suggested. “Hyung, let’s talk to him tonight and find out what’s going on. Don’t be too harsh on him, he won’t respond well to that. Just… get the information out gently. You were stern in the practice room last time and he didn’t say anything. Don’t be mad, be concerned.”

Chan nodded. “You’re right. I was frustrated with him, and I still am. But I talked to him that same day when I was calmer and he just said it was a surprise. He didn’t say anything else.”

Everyone was silent for a few minutes, thinking.

“Should we go home?” Jisung asked. “What if he’s there?”

“We have nothing else to do,” Hyunjin added.

Chan opened his mouth, but then his phone pinged, and everyone was alert. Chan sighed.

“It’s the manager. We’re having a performance on the Wednesday before our other one. We’ll talk about the details later.”

Minho fell back against the couch and groaned. “Let’s leave. We can check the studios and practice rooms on the way.”

Everyone nodded in agreement. They quickly gathered their things and left for the other studios, only to find all of them empty. They went to the practice rooms and found Felix and Jeongin lounging on the couch in their regular room, the maknae’s head in Felix’s lap.

“Hey,” Felix greeted, glancing up from his phone. His eyebrows furrowed. “Where’s Minnie?”

“We were hoping you knew,” Changbin said.

Jisung slinked by him to join the other two. He curled into Felix’s side and mumbled, “He’s missing.”

Jeongin shot up. “What?”

“Yah, don’t say it like that,” Minho scolded. “He didn’t show up to the studio. We don’t know where he is. He won’t answer his phone.”

“We’re going home,” Chan said, his voice tight. “If he isn’t there…”

“Hyung, calm down,” Hyunjin said quietly. Chan shook his head.

“I can’t. This is the third time this has happened. I should have already told the manager. Seungmin is being irresponsible, he can’t keep doing this.”

Minho grabbed Chan’s bicep and dragged him to the other side of the room.

“Hyung, I don’t think we’re going about this the right way,” he whispered. “It’s irresponsible, but he has to have a reason.”

“There’s a ‘surprise,’” Chan said, making air quotes. “That isn’t a reason.”

“No, hyung, a real reason. We’re gonna figure it out tonight, but don’t yell at him.”

Chan rubbed a hand down his face. “I’d never yell at Seungmin. I know he wouldn’t like that, Minho.”

Seungmin didn’t react well to that sort of treatment. He liked to receive constructive criticism during work, but outside of work, he couldn’t handle being victim to someone’s temper. When he had been scolded by Changbin for being “in the way” at the dorm on a day off, the rapper’s loud, annoyed voice had immediately made him shrink and go silent. He had just apologized quietly and retreated back to his room for the day, even though Changbin tried to reconcile with him right after the words left his mouth. Seungmin had never admitted it, but he hated making someone angry, and if he did, they had to approach him with calm, firm words. That was how everyone had been treating him since. Minho knew that scolding him too harshly wouldn’t end well.

“Well, you seem like you’re gonna yell,” Minho speculated.

“I’m not, I promise. But he has to know that this isn’t okay.”

“I think he knows that. We just need to talk to him. If he insists that it’s a surprise, we’ll have to believe him, but we’ll make sure he does it outside of work.”

Chan nodded. They rejoined the others and headed home as a group of seven. Everyone was silent, and Minho held Chan’s hand, trying to keep him calm and reassured. They all tried calling Seungmin multiple times, anxiety eating away at them.

Seungmin was not at the dorm. They all stood in the entryway and stared at Chan, contemplating what to do.

Chan’s phone pinged, and he scrambled to get it out of his pocket.

“Fuck,” he muttered, calling someone and putting the phone on speaker.

“Hi, hyung.”

“Where are you?” Chan asked as the others looked at each other with wide eyes.

“I’m… I can go to the studio now if you—”

“That's not what I asked, Seungmin.”

“Bathroom,” Seungmin whispered. Minho sent the leader a sharp look, and Chan sighed, trying to soften his voice.

“Where have you been for the last two hours?”

“I was—I was with a staff member.”

“You knew we had a schedule together. Why didn’t you come?”

“I was busy—with them.”

“I already told you that schedules come first. You should have told me in advance, because now we have to reschedule. What were you doing that was so important?”

Seungmin didn’t respond, and Chan sighed again.

“Just come home. We got here a while ago hoping you’d be here.”

“Okay, hyung.”

Chan hung up the phone.

“I told you not to yell,” Minho exclaimed.

“I didn’t yell.” Minho rolled his eyes. “I can’t deal with your attitude right now, Minho. I’m sorry, but I’ll be nicer when he gets here.”

Minho relented, because it was not the time to make Chan more frustrated than he already was.

“Okay. The rest of you, go to bed.”

They left without complaining. Chan and Minho went to the couch to wait in silence, and when the front door didn’t open for twenty minutes, they realized that Seungmin had walked home. Seungmin appeared at the entrance of the room, and Chan patted the cushion between him and Minho. Seungmin dropped his bag and slowly made his way over to sit down. He looked tired.

“What’s going on, Minnie?” Minho began, wanting to be careful from the beginning.

“Nothing,” Seungmin whispered, staring at his lap.

“Don’t lie to us.” Minho rested his hand on Seungmin’s thigh, hoping to make him feel more comfortable. “Skipping work isn’t like you. You’ve never done this before.”

Seungmin didn’t speak.

“We love you,” Chan said, “but I don’t want to push you—”

“Then don’t,” Seungmin interrupted quietly. “Sorry. Just—I know what I’m doing. You’ll understand later.”

Minho sighed quietly.

“Is it the surprise thing?” Chan asked. Seungmin nodded. “We’ve already talked about this. Let me know next time, Minnie. I’m trying to be lenient because I’m sure you’re doing something good, but we have an intense job. There’s a lot of stuff we have to do. If you can work on the surprise around your schedule, that’s more ideal, but don’t stay up too late or get up too early. We have two performances in two weeks.”

Seungmin’s eyebrows furrowed. “Two?”

“Oh, yeah. The manager told us earlier while you weren’t there. We still have one on Friday, but there’s a new one on the Wednesday before that, so in a week and a half.”

Seungmin looked troubled by the information, which didn’t make sense.

“Hey,” Minho said, tilting Seungmin’s head to look into his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, hyung.” Seungmin smiled. “It’s just unexpected.”

Minho nodded, believing him. “Luckily it’s nearby and it’s nothing new. It’s not that big of a deal, our schedules just change a bit.”

“We’re rescheduling the recording for the following Monday, after both performances,” Chan told Seungmin seriously. “That’s the earliest we can do it. You can’t miss that one, okay?”

Seungmin nodded.

“Let’s just go to bed,” Chan said softly a minute later. “But Minnie, remember what I said, okay? Let me know next time.”

Seungmin nodded quickly. “I will, hyung.” He paused. “Aren’t you… mad?”

Chan sighed. “I don’t know, honestly. I know that you aren’t doing anything bad, but I know that you could be doing better. I’m trusting that you aren’t lying to us.” Chan hesitated. “I’m a bit… disappointed, I think. I didn’t expect this from you.”

Minho sent Chan another look, but the eldest sent one right back. Minho understood that Chan was just trying to be honest, and he was keeping his voice kind, so it should be okay. But Seungmin looked even more disconcerted than before, biting his lip.

Chan pulled him into a hug and kissed his forehead. Minho leaned on his back, hoping that Seungmin would relax, but he didn’t, not quite.

The older boys shifted after a while, but Seungmin didn’t.

“Want me to carry you?” Chan asked. Seungmin shook his head, and Minho closed his eyes; that was normal for Seungmin, being independent.

They went to their own bedrooms. Minho went to bed while Seungmin washed up for the night, and he looked up at Seungmin as he entered, sending him a smile. Seungmin smiled back before lying down.

Minho wanted to get rid of his worry, but he couldn’t. A surprise was sweet, but not when it was affecting Seungmin’s work so much.

Everyone acted differently around Seungmin the next morning, but after Minho pulled them all aside to explain what Seungmin had said, they backed off. Their schedules were lighter for the next few days, so Seungmin should have more time to do whatever he was doing.

Everything was more normal for a while. There was one night where Seungmin fell asleep in his own bed but woke up in Jisung’s, which was unusual, but it wasn’t necessarily worrying. Minho learned later from Chan that Seungmin had had a nightmare, which was worrying, but he seemed fine.

Then Seungmin got sick, supposedly after eating something bad. Minho had made him soup only for him to throw it back up. Seungmin was left home alone the next day, but on Wednesday, the day of their dance practice video, he was feeling better. He looked tired, which was to be expected, but he could dance. Minho could tell that something was off - his stiff movements, fidgeting, spacing out - but he chalked that down to post-illness. 3RACHA got Seungmin a nap afterwards, which seemed to help.

That same night, they had a group meeting. Everyone expressed their concern for Seungmin, but the boy responded by saying that he was just tired and stressed out. He said that it wasn’t bad and he didn’t want anything to change. When Hyunjin cried about how distant Seungmin had been, it occurred to Minho that they didn’t see him as often anymore, and it was definitely possible that he didn’t love them anymore; Minho rarely kissed him, and anything close to sex was so far back in his memory that he couldn’t find it. Seungmin became a little emotional as well while saying that he still loved them, and something about the scene made Minho feel a little better, like he had learned something. He wasn’t sure what, though.

Two days later was their live performance. The morning was normal at home, but Seungmin only wanted soup for breakfast, and Minho allowed it because Seungmin knew how to take care of himself. Seungmin seemed very happy for some reason, and Minho thought he was a little weird, but that was better than him being down like he had been recently.

Minho completely changed his mind later. When they got to the green room, he was at the back of the line, but he heard the words loud and clear.

“Seungmin? Are you okay? Minnie?”

He quickly found Jisung kneeling on the floor, Seungmin sitting on the chair in front of him. He looked pale and sickly, and when his eyes closed, Minho panicked, rushing toward them.

“Open your eyes,” Minho shouted, reaching out to sit Seungmin up more. Just as he got there, Seungmin’s body slumped forward into Jisung’s arms. Jisung held him tightly and laid him down on the floor, but Seungmin was out cold.

“Chan!” Changbin yelled, grabbing the leader’s attention from where he was speaking to the director. Chan’s eyes widened and he ran over, worming his way to Seungmin’s feet.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know, he just fainted.”

Minho felt Seungmin’s cheeks and forehead with the back of his hand; he was slightly sweaty, and Minho couldn’t tell if he was hot or cold.

“Get a nurse,” Minho said loudly, hoping that someone heard him. He sat down and held Seungmin’s head on his thigh, stroking back the boy’s hair.

Their manager came over quickly, standing behind Minho.

“Did he eat this morning?”

Minho nodded. “He—He had soup.”

Soup wasn’t enough food for a performance, and Minho should have known that; nonetheless, it wouldn’t cause anything of this severity.

A nurse arrived, and everyone except for Chan and Minho backed off for her to work. She felt Seungmin’s pulse and temperature, then she lifted Seungmin’s hoodie, although Minho wasn’t sure why. Once she did, though, it was obvious.

“What the fuck?” Minho whispered in horror. Why was Seungmin so skinny? Was he seeing things?

“You said he had soup?” she asked.

“He—Yeah.”

“Did he eat yesterday?”

“Yeah, um… Eggs for breakfast and a burger for lunch. I don’t know what for dinner.”

Did he even eat dinner? The thought made Minho sick to his stomach.

The nurse grabbed Seungmin’s hands and lifted them up. She dropped them and muttered a curse.

“We need to get him to a hospital. He seems malnourished. We have to make sure nothing is seriously wrong.”

Hospital? Malnourished?

The nurse looked up at Chan. “You need to bring him to the nearest hospital, okay? I’ll call them in advance. You’re quicker than an ambulance.”

Chan nodded immediately, looking shocked and terrified.

“Ma’am, I don’t understand,” Minho said quietly.

“He hasn’t been eating properly. The marks on his knuckles likely mean that he has been forcing himself to throw up after every meal. He’ll need help mentally and physically. The doctors can tell you more, but this is all I can do here.”

Minho felt like the world was crumbling around him. This couldn’t be happening. Seungmin was bulimic? How could they not have noticed?

The nurse stood and Chan took her place. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he gathered Seungmin in his arms, and he squeezed his eyes shut when Seungmin was off of the floor. Minho didn’t want to imagine how light Seungmin was right now. Instead, he turned to the rest of the room. Everyone was staring, and the other members looked no better than Chan. Minho took a deep breath and stood up.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said shakily. Chan stood as well and held Seungmin tightly.

The manager walked up to Minho. “I’ll drive. Let’s get going.”

Minho nodded. After doing a headcount, however, he realized that someone was missing.

“Where’s Jeongin?” They all looked around, not acknowledging Minho’s question. He sighed. “Come on, everyone get into the car.”

“What about the performance?” the director asked.

“Cancel it,” Minho growled. “We’re leaving.”

He put his hand on Chan’s back and led them out to the manager’s car. After ushering everyone inside, he looked at Hyunjin, who was the only one not crying.

“You’re in charge. Keep everyone together. Let the doctors do their job.” Hyunjin nodded. “I’ll find Jeongin.”

Hyunjin opened his mouth, but Minho closed the car door before he could speak. He turned around and walked through the crowd of people back to the green room, blinking away his own tears. He distracted himself by searching for Jeongin.

Minho had a feeling that he knew what this was about; Jeongin’s main concern during their meeting two days ago was Seungmin not eating enough, and that seemed to be the true issue. Jeongin must have been feeling devastated that he knew and did nothing about it.

The green room was empty now, everyone having gone toward Chan. The silence was deafening. That was why a quiet squeak was heard, and Minho followed the sound through the door on the other side of the room. It led to another hallway, and just inside to the right was a boy curled up on the floor.

“Jeongin?” Minho whispered. Jeongin gasped but stayed in his ball. Minho sat down beside him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, resting his head on Jeongin’s shoulder. “Jeongin, talk to hyung.”

“It’s my fault,” Jeongin choked out, coughing.

“No it isn’t. How could this be your fault?”

“‘Cause I—I didn’t help him even though I kn–knew that he was—”

Jeongin broke off into a sob.

“That doesn’t make it your fault,” Minho reasoned gently. “We all noticed something going on, and none of us really did anything. But that doesn’t mean it’s our fault.”

“Then whose is it?” Jeongin asked sharply, whipping his head up to stare at Minho with hard, wet eyes. “Whose fault is it, then, hyung?”

Minho took a shaky breath. He didn’t want to say that it was Seungmin’s, of course, but it also was Seungmin’s. Seungmin wasn’t taking care of himself. But he couldn’t be blamed for his mental disorder - no one could be.

“No one’s,” Minho whispered. “It’s no one’s.”

Jeongin grunted and shoved Minho away. The older boy landed on his side with a thud.

“Don’t say that, hyung,” Jeongin said dangerously. “You know that isn’t true. It’s all of our faults for not doing anything when someone we love is hurting.”

“What were we supposed to do?” Minho argued, sitting back up. “Walk up to him and say, ‘Hey I know that you’re not eating, tell me why’? That would only make him try to hide it more.”

“So we were right to sit there and do nothing until he passed out?”

“That isn’t what I said.”

“Then what did you say?”

Minho went silent, listening to Jeongin’s quick breaths. He didn’t know how to refute Jeongin’s claim. He knew that it wasn’t Jeongin’s fault, but he had no good way to prove it to such a stubborn maknae.

“Jeongin, you are a really good person. You’d never do anything to hurt anyone. And you didn’t hurt Seungmin. He was already hurting. Sure, you could have talked to him about it, but he—”

“I did!” Jeongin shouted, hiccuping. “I—I asked him if he ate multiple times, and… every time he said that he did. He said he ate while he was sick, and he eats like he always has. But I didn’t think to ask if he was just—eating and—and puking.”

Minho outright groaned. “That isn’t something you should even think about. None of us knew, and we couldn’t have known. Honestly, we still don’t know anything. We don’t know how long this has been going on nor how severe it is. You tried, Jeongin, and that’s all that matters. You care about him and you tried to help him, but he didn’t let you. That isn’t your fault.”

He must have gotten around to Jeongin this time. The maknae looked forward and trembled, his forehead creased in an attempt to hold himself together. Minho hugged him properly this time, and Jeongin cried into his shoulder, exhausted and upset. Minho just held him tightly, not trying to shush him; Jeongin needed to get this out of his system.

Twenty minutes later, both Minho and Jeongin were done crying, the older boy having lost a few tears. He pulled back to wipe Jeongin’s cheeks, who couldn’t make eye contact.

“No one blames you,” Minho whispered. “But Seungmin is going to need us when he wakes up. Let’s get going, okay?”

Jeongin nodded and sniffled. Minho gave him a quick kiss for comfort, then he helped him stand. He led Jeongin outside where a few people were left standing and noticed their assistant manager leaning against the building.

“Hyung?” Minho prompted, approaching him. He looked up from his phone with a smile.

“I was waiting for you,” he smiled. “Your manager brought the others to the hospital. I’ll bring you two. You have the rest of the day off as of right now, but I’m not sure about tomorrow. We’ll likely have to wait until Seungmin wakes up to know.”

Jeongin shuddered, and Minho held his hand. “Have you heard anything?”

“Nothing. I'm really sorry, boys.”

Minho shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “Just take us to him. Please.”

Halfway through the car ride, Jeongin started crying again. Minho quickly shifted to the middle seat to hold him, but it didn’t help. He wished that he could see inside of the maknae’s head to gauge his feelings, because he knew that he was never going to admit anything that would make him too vulnerable. Minho saw himself in Jeongin, but in this case, it wasn’t a good thing.

Meanwhile, Minho called Hyunjin. They had been at the hospital for thirty minutes, so something must have happened.

“Hyung?” Hyunjin answered quietly.

“What’s going on?”

Hyunjin sighed. “Um… I don’t know. We haven't seen him yet. The doctor said he’s malnourished. He’s just resting, I think.”

“What are you all doing?”

“Sitting. Everyone’s silent. I had to leave the room to talk to you. I don’t even know where the manager’s at. It’s a mess, hyung. Binnie hyung, Lix, and Sungie are just crying, Chan hyung is spacing out or something… I don’t know what to do.”

Hyunjin was getting choked up. Minho shushed him carefully.

“It’ll be okay. He’ll be okay, he’s strong. Innie and I will be there in just a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” Hyunjin sniffled.

“I’m staying on the line with you, but you don’t have to talk. You can sit back down.”

“Okay.”

Minho took a deep, shaky breath. He would rather spend the next week focusing on everyone but himself if it meant that he didn’t have to confront his own emotions.

A few moments later, there was commotion on Hyunjin’s end of the line.

“Hyung, the doctor’s here,” Hyunjin said.

“Okay, I’ll hang up. We’re parking now.”

He lowered the phone as the car came to a quick stop in front of the hospital doors.

“Go on,” the assistant manager urged. “I’ll go park.”

Minho bowed his head. “Thank you, hyungnim.”

He grabbed Jeongin’s hand and pulled him out of the car. He didn’t wait for the maknae to adjust before walking through the front doors. He had received a text from the manager telling him how to get to Seungmin’s room, so he speed-walked through the hallway and up the stairs, around a corner, then straight until he saw Hyunjin sitting alone on the floor against the wall.

“Hyunjin?” Minho said as he and Jeongin approached him. Hyunjin looked up with a wry smile and wet cheeks.

“Hi, hyung.”

Minho held Jeongin’s shoulders and guided him to sit next to Hyunjin, prompting the younger boy to bury his face in Hyunjin’s bicep. Hyunjin looked up at Minho in confusion, and Minho just shook his head.

“Are they inside?” he asked instead, gesturing toward the door on his left.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin whispered. “I was waiting for you. He’s sleeping right now, probably won’t wake up for another half hour. They want him to sleep a little longer so that his body can rest. And… they think he might freak out when he wakes up, considering his… mental state.”

Minho’s eyes burned. He hated the thought of Seungmin feeling unwell for so long with no one at his side.

“Can you stay with Jeongin?” Minho asked, blinking harshly. Hyunjin nodded and rested his head on top of the maknae’s. Minho crouched, running a hand through Hyunjin’s hair. “Thank you for looking after everyone. We’re all going to be okay.”

Hyunjin nodded and smiled again, more genuinely. Minho kissed both of them and turned to the door. There wasn’t really anything inside besides people; Seungmin was asleep, and his body was covered by clothes and a blanket, so there was nothing bad or scary except for Minho’s own thoughts.

He pushed through his hesitation and opened the door. The first thing he saw was the manager’s back as he stood against the wall on his phone, then Chan beside him. Jisung and Felix were each sitting in the chairs on both sides of Seungmin’s bed, and Changbin was standing behind Felix. They all looked at the newcomer, and Chan walked up to him, his eyes red.

“Where’s Jeongin?”

“With Hyunjin in the hall. They’re fine.” Fine-ish, really.

Chan sighed and wrapped his arms around Minho. The younger boy, for once, did not protest and leaned into the touch, pressing his face into Chan’s neck. Chan rubbed his back.

“The manager wants me, Bin, and Sung to go with him to the company in a few minutes,” Chan whispered quietly into his ear. “He wants to talk to us about Seungmin and our schedules. It won’t take too long. But that means that you, Lix, Hyun, and Innie will have to take care of Minnie when he wakes up, alright? Keep him comfortable and do whatever the doctor says. If he freaks out, try to calm him down with facts, like how he has to rest and you’re there for him. When you go home, don’t let him go to the bathroom alone. Keep the door open or something. He can be alone in his room. The doctor will tell you if he should eat and things like that.”

That was a lot of information. Minho nodded and let a few tears out; being in Chan’s arms was different from being in someone else’s, because Chan was his hyung, and he was the one person in front of whom Minho could break down.

“We’re all going to be okay,” Chan continued. Hearing his own words come from the eldest’s mouth gave Minho a rush of relief - like he had been lying to himself, but now he knew that it was true. They were going to be okay.

When Chan had to leave, Minho prepared himself for his role as caretaker. Because Seungmin was still sleeping, he decided that it was best to have everyone together in the room. After ensuring that Felix was okay, he went back into the hallway for the other two. He found them in the same place, but Hyunjin now had his arms around Jeongin while the maknae continued to hide.

“We should all be in the room,” Minho said, firm and gentle. Hyunjin looked at him, but Jeongin didn’t. “Jeongin-ah?”

“He doesn’t want to,” Hyunjin informed weakly. “He feels too guilty. He doesn’t want to see Seungmin.”

Minho should have expected this. Of course Jeongin wouldn’t want to see the person that he could have helped but didn’t. Even if Seungmin was asleep, Jeongin couldn’t handle it.

“That’s okay. I won’t force you.” Jeongin nodded this time. “Hyunjin, do you want to stay out here or go inside? I can stay with him if you want.”

Hyunjin shook his head. “I’ll stay. It’s okay.”

Minho sighed. “Okay. Come get me if you need anything, alright?”

Hyunjin nodded, and Minho gave him a quick kiss, then he kissed Jeongin’s head. He went back into the room where Felix still sat, holding Seungmin’s hand up to his lips. Minho kneeled next to him.

“We’ll be okay,” Minho said once again, rubbing Felix’s thigh. The younger boy nodded, his eyes locked on Seungmin’s face. “We’ll take care of him, he’ll be okay.”

This time, Minho trusted his own words.

A minute later he stood and walked around the bed, settling on the other chair. Everything is under control, he told himself. Everything was, excluding Seungmin. Minho had done all he could for now.

It was dead silent in the room. There wasn’t an EKG machine, so all he could hear was his own heartbeat and breathing. It was unnerving. He didn’t want to think about the situation at hand, but he couldn’t help it.

How had they not noticed anything? They were Seungmin’s boyfriends; they saw him multiple times per day, they took care of him when he needed it - but not this time. This time, they had failed him. They hadn’t paid enough attention and instead allowed Seungmin to figure it out on his own. They should have known better considering who Seungmin was - someone who put others before himself, who was hardworking and determined no matter what he was doing. If he had an eating disorder, it made sense for him to go all the way and not look back.

Either way, they should have noticed that something was seriously wrong and done something about it.

“Hyung,” Felix whispered. Minho looked up, only to blink harshly through blurry vision. Felix walked around the bed and crawled onto Minho’s lap, wrapping his limbs around the older boy. “You can cry, hyung.”

Minho sighed shakily and hugged Felix’s waist, burying his face in his chest. He cried soundlessly, trying to quell his shakiness. Felix stroked his hair, and Minho didn’t care that he was being vulnerable in front of one of the maknaes, because there was another maknae in pain and they hadn’t done anything to help him.

When Minho calmed down, he didn’t move. He hid in Felix’s embrace like he could hide from the world, from everything going on. He didn’t want to leave, because that meant confronting the situation - confronting Seungmin, who was lying there on the bed in front of them.

“What did we do wrong?” Minho whispered brokenly, not expecting a reply. “Why did we…”

“It’s not our fault,” Felix whispered back. “We didn’t know.”

Minho was reminded of his conversation with Jeongin. He knew that it wasn’t their fault, but he wished that he had tried harder to get to the root of Seungmin’s problem.

“We’ve never dealt with this before,” Minho said quietly. “How are we supposed to help him now?”

“We’ll figure it out together. We have resources, he has resources. The company has probably dealt with this before, so they can help us too. Everything will work out, you’ll see.”

Minho sniffled and chuckled wetly, wiping his eyes. “Sorry. I’m the hyung, I should be—”

“No.” Felix leaned back and cupped Minho’s cheeks, thumbing his tears away. “No, hyung. You shouldn’t be the strong one right now. We’re all going through the same thing, and you’ve been trying to take care of everyone. We can take care of you too; I can take care of you. Don’t worry about comforting me. Please.”

A single tear fell down Felix’s cheek, and Minho reached up to wipe it, smiling. “You’re so grown up, Yongbok-ah.”

Felix giggled. “Don’t act so surprised. I’m only two years younger than you. We’re all going to be fine, I promise.”

Minho sighed and dropped his head, butting the top of it against Felix’s chest. The younger boy stroked the hair on his nape.

“Is Innie okay? Where’d he go earlier?”

Minho shook his head. “He’s… He feels guilty. He knew that Seungmin wasn’t eating well, I guess, but he didn’t think it was this bad. I told him that it isn’t his fault, but he still doesn’t want to see Seungmin. He can’t handle it.”

Felix made a sad noise and kissed Minho’s head. “He’ll be okay too. He’ll come around. I know he will.”

Minho sighed again. He hadn’t been expecting Felix to be the one to make him feel better, but he was glad that it was; Felix was usually a cheery and bubbly person, yet he could also get upset easily. Minho knew that this was hard on Felix - on everyone - but the younger boy was still able to hold himself together. He was either going to be the person Seungmin confided in and trusted the most, or the person Seungmin hated the most. Minho didn’t know where Seungmin’s emotions would be - sad or angry.

Seungmin was going to wake up within the hour, so they needed to be prepared. Minho quickly left to tell Hyunjin to go home and take stock of what foods they had, therefore 3RACHA could buy anything they needed on their way home later. Jeongin seemed to be doing better, but he still looked very upset. Going to the dorm with Hyunjin should help a little bit.

Minho returned to the room and asked Felix if he wanted anything, seeing as they had been preoccupied for a while, and the younger boy shook his head. Minho went to buy himself a bottle of water and stayed in the hallway for a few minutes to rehydrate himself. On second thought, he got three more and tucked them under his arm; everyone had been crying, so everyone should have water.

His phone pinged, and he fished it out of his pocket. Chan wrote that schedules would continue tomorrow, and Seungmin’s would be determined later, but he was probably going to keep working. That made Minho frustrated; Seungmin clearly needed a break - had been needing one for a while - and working wasn’t the solution. He knew, however, that Seungmin’s mental health would only worsen if he was left at the dorm all day or somewhere at JYPE not being able to do anything. He needed music and routine.

Minho put his phone away and took one more sip before going back to the room. Just as he turned into the hallway, Felix was leaving the room to get the doctor. Minho took a deep breath. Seungmin was awake, and probably very unhappy.

He steeled himself before continuing. Everything would be okay as long as they stuck together.

Chapter Text

When Seungmin woke up, he was confused and disoriented. The first thing he saw was whiteness and brightness. He was exhausted, and there was a weird crick in his neck. His head didn’t hurt, but it was heavy and clogged.

“Seungmin?”

He turned his head. Felix was sitting in a chair next to him, and Seungmin was taken aback; the older boy looked even more tired than Seungmin, and he was frowning deeply. Seungmin tried to hum, but he didn’t think any sound came out.

Felix smiled, yet it was poor. “Hi, baby. How are you feeling?”

Seungmin was still confused. “What—” He coughed. “What happened?”

Felix bit his lip. “You, um… Honey, you passed out. We’re at the hospital right now.”

Seungmin wracked his brain for a second, and everything rushed back to him. He had been dizzy after standing, then he passed out.

“Why?” he asked, his heart rising in his throat. Did they know?

Felix’s eyes filled with tears. “You were malnourished.”

They knew. They all knew. Seungmin had been hiding for weeks, but now everything was over. All of the work he had done for Eunseo was futile.

Eunseo. Seungmin had met her expectations, but he hadn’t had a chance to show it to her yet. That was all he wanted to do right now; he wanted the validation from knowing that she was pleased with him, not disappointed like Chan still was.

“You’ve been sleeping for a while,” Felix continued quietly. “The doctor needs to talk to you. You’ll start feeling better soon.”

Seungmin didn’t want to start feeling better soon. If he ate more, Eunseo was going to be mad. He had made so much progress, and he really didn’t want it all to go to waste.

Felix cupped his cheek, and he realized that he was crying. He sat up and pulled his knees close to his chest, ignoring the lightheadedness. He batted Felix’s hand away and buried his face in his knees instead, gasping.

“It’ll be okay,” Felix assured shakily. “You’ll be okay.”

No he wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to be okay, because everyone knew that something was going on and they weren’t going to let him do it anymore. They were going to make him eat and eat and eat until he was big and fat and heavy. He was going to gain weight, and Eunseo was going to yell at him.

“Seungmin, take a deep breath. Please, baby. It’s going to be okay. We’ll help you.”

Seungmin was reminded that they didn’t know anything about Eunseo. They didn’t know that this had started because of her wishes; they thought that it was truly just Seungmin who had been wanting to lose weight, but that wasn’t true. He wanted to lose weight, but only because he wanted to please Eunseo. He didn’t think that he was “fat,” but he thought he was too big - for his stylist, at least. His boyfriends were being misled, yet Seungmin still couldn’t tell them anything.

There was a knock on the door, and it was loud and clear. Seungmin glanced up and made accidental eye contact with Felix, who smiled again and went to answer the door.

“Oh, hello,” he greeted.

“Hi, Felix,” a kind-sounding woman said. “I would like to see him, if he’s awake.”

“Of course. He actually just woke up. I know you two have been pretty close recently. But…” Felix lowered his voice into a whisper, and Seungmin couldn’t make out the words. It probably had something to do with his mental health.

Felix turned to speak to Seungmin. “I’m going to step out for a few minutes while you and noona talk, okay? I’ll find the doctor and be back soon.”

Seungmin grew anxious when Felix left, and that anxiety increased tenfold when the woman walked in and closed the door.

“Still crying, huh?” Eunseo sneered, walking up to the foot of the bed. She shook her head with a scoff. “I expected no less.”

“I—I did it,” Seungmin choked out quietly. “I’m at—at fifty-two.”

That might not be true anymore, but he was fifty-one-point-nine this morning, which was when he should have seen her.

“I don’t care,” she said monotonously. Seungmin’s breath hitched. “I told you to be at fifty-two for the performance, but now there isn’t even a performance. I didn’t tell you to wind up in a hospital.”

“But I—”

“Enough with the excuses. If you cause yourself to pass out, then your body just isn’t equipped for this. Maybe you aren’t good enough for your position.”

Seungmin’s heart stopped. He stuttered, “I am, I am, I’m—good.”

Eunseo moved closer, taking Felix’s place with a low, aggressive tone. “No, you aren’t good. Good boys don’t put themselves in the hospital and ruin other peoples’ lives. Good boys do what they are told to please the people around them.”

“‘M sorry,” Seungmin whimpered, his eyesight blurring with more tears. He had never had someone tell him that he wasn’t good, that he was bad. That was one of the last things he wanted to hear.

“Apology not accepted,” Eunseo growled. “I make a gorgeous outfit for you to wear, and you're so careless like this!”

Seungmin sniffled, his eyes flickering to the wall before finding her again. He didn’t know what to say, because nothing would change her mind. He could go along with it and agree that he was bad and careless, or he could go against her and be met with some sort of pain. But he knew that he was bad, and he was probably being too careless. He should have known to slow down when he started getting dizzy, but he had continued pushing and pushing until he went too far. It had been obvious, based on Eunseo’s personality, that Seungmin winding up in a hospital would piss her off. He was supposed to play by her rules, not make his own - even if it was unintentional.

He decided to speak up just a little bit, because he wasn’t sure what her idea of “careless” was.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin repeated, facing his knees. “I’m… I don’t understand.” He glanced up at her to see if she was mad, but she just raised an eyebrow with a stubborn frown. “I thought I… was not supposed to eat.”

“That’s not what I said,” Eunseo snarled. “Do you ever listen? I said that you’re eating too much. If you don’t eat anything, you’ll pass out. I thought you were smart enough to know that, dumbass.”

Seungmin felt like an idiot. He did know that, but he hadn’t been losing weight quickly enough, so he ate less. How else was he supposed to get where Eunseo wanted him to be?

“What can I do?” Seungmin asked, his voice small. “I–It wasn’t working, that’s why I…”

Eunseo sighed, frustrated. “That is not my responsibility. I’m not doing all of the work for you.”

She was doing all of the work? Seungmin felt like he was doing a lot - and, clearly, he was doing too much. He had already tried so many different things - less eating, puking, matcha tea. He could still try drinking matcha tea, but he didn’t know if it had actually worked or not.

“You’re in the hospital,” Eunseo continued sternly, “and your members are worried. They’re going to be watching you constantly. You have to be careful. Do you understand why we aren’t including them in our regimen?” Seungmin nodded. “Then tell me.”

He froze. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure why they weren’t allowed to know; it just felt like something that was meant to be hidden, something only he was supposed to do. With everything he had put them through lately, including them in anything that wasn’t necessary was selfish and rude - not good boyfriend behavior. And he had just lied to Eunseo.

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly. Eunseo sighed again.

“Because their stylists have different visions for their looks. They want them to look a certain way, just like I want you to look a certain way. They aren’t doing what we’re doing; they’re doing their own thing. They wouldn’t understand our method. Okay?”

Seungmin just nodded, but that brought something to light. Were any of his boyfriends subject to this kind of treatment? They didn’t know that Seungmin was, so Seungmin wouldn’t know if they were. He was never going to find out.

“Just because you were in the hospital for a few hours doesn’t mean that we’re going to stop. We still have jobs, and you have a performance on Monday. You said that you’re fifty-two right now, so you should be at fifty for it. If you’re lying, then…”

Seungmin shook his head quickly. “I’m fifty-two,” he quavered. She stared at him for a moment, like she didn’t believe him.

“I’m not checking you, but I’m not trusting you either. It’s your responsibility. You might not be working as often because of this hospital bullshit, so I might not see you as much as I’d like to. But the performance is still on, and you’re still performing as long as you are stable and nourished enough. That’s what the manager told me.”

Seungmin nodded. He wasn’t going to let this roadblock slow him down; he had said that he was capable of this, and he wasn’t lying. Although his boyfriends would be watching him, he might be able to sneak around here and there. They probably didn’t know about the puking part, which was a plus. He thought that two kilograms wasn’t very much to lose at this point.

He distinctly ignored the fact that the reason he had passed out in the first place was him trying to lose two kilograms in two days. This time would be different.

“I think we’re done here,” Eunseo said, standing up. “Remember: fifty on Monday, don’t slack off.”

“Yes, noona-nim,” Seungmin responded quietly, bowing his head. “Thank you.”

She just turned and exited the room, leaving Seungmin in silence. He felt a little calmer knowing that he had another assignment, that he hadn’t just ruined everything. Eunseo’s anger, however, did not help his bones settle. He would have thought that she would be calmer and more understanding because he was in the hospital, but that was stupid to think.

When Seungmin had woken up, he was terrified of what the others found out and what Eunseo was thinking, but now he knew what she was thinking. Everything was not out of control like he had feared, as Eunseo’s instructions were clear and doable. He could bounce back.

Just before the door opened, he rid his face of tears, although evidence was found in his red, puffy eyes. It was Felix again, returning with a doctor and Minho in tow. Seungmin didn’t look at Minho, and the older boy didn’t move closer than the foot of the bed. Seungmin didn’t know what to think of that. Was Minho mad?

“How are you feeling, Seungmin?” the doctor asked, sitting on a stool and wheeling it close to the chair that Felix had reclaimed.

Seungmin cleared his throat. “Better.”

The doctor nodded. “That’s good. My name is Jeon Sungwoo, I have been your doctor today. You can just call me Sungwoo. I am going to ask you a few questions. Would you like them to leave?”

Sungwoo gestured toward Minho and Felix. Seungmin was torn; if they stayed, they might discover more of his secrets, but if he told them to leave, they would be more worried and suspicious. Only one of those options ensured that they would find out, while the other gave a chance of them not finding out.

Seungmin nodded. He heard Felix sigh shakily and almost felt bad, but he had to remind himself that this was for their own good. They didn’t need to know what was going on, and they were stressed enough as it was.

When the two were gone, the doctor let out a heavy breath.

“Do you know what happened?”

Seungmin nodded. “I… passed out.”

“Yeah. Do you have an idea as to why? I have a guess, but I would like to know what you think.”

This felt like a trap. Seungmin didn’t have a choice while talking to his doctor.

“I was… malnourished?” He hated that word; it made this all sound so much worse than it truly was.

“Yes, you were - you are. You are underweight for your age, height, and activity level. Can you tell me why that is? Why you’ve lost weight?”

Seungmin gulped. He took a deep breath. “I just… wasn’t eating enough.” He didn’t want the doctor to know about the puking part, because that was something he needed to hide.

“And why is that?” Seungmin didn’t respond, and Sungwoo sighed. “I’m just trying to help you, Seungmin. I know that you aren’t feeling very well, but you can heal and get better. That can only happen if you’re honest with me.”

Seungmin still didn’t speak. He didn’t want to be honest; he didn’t want to heal and get better. That meant disobeying Eunseo, and right now he was full of motivation. He didn’t care if he felt like this a little longer if it meant that Eunseo was pleased with him.

Sungwoo must have gotten impatient, as he sighed again and flipped through a packet of papers.

“Okay, then. We have diagnosed you with anorexia and bulimia.”

Bulimia. The doctor knew about the puking. Seungmin’s heart dropped.

“The treatment for these tends to be a diet plan and therapy. The diet will help you gain weight healthily, and the therapy will help your mindset improve so that you feel better about yourself.”

Neither of those were actually going to help him. Gaining weight was a huge no. He didn’t need to feel better about himself. It was Eunseo who didn’t like how he looked; Seungmin was just doing all of this because she wanted him to. He knew that he wasn’t fat, but he also knew that he was too big for her.

“This paperwork includes many resources for you and your loved ones to use and reach out to. I was told that there is a dietician at JYPE who can help you on that front, and they might have a suitable therapist as well, but we’ve included some other options here anyway. If the therapy doesn’t work out, there are other things we can try. We have a psychologist here if medication ends up being the correct route.”

Seungmin wasn’t listening. He just wanted to go home.

“I have your discharge paperwork here, so I’ll go fill it out and be back in a few minutes.”

Sungwoo stood and left without another word. Seungmin lay down on his side to face the wall, and when the door opened seconds later, he closed his eyes.

“Minnie,” Felix whispered. Seungmin didn’t move. “I love you.”

He didn’t hear anything else. He appreciated Felix, truly, but his earlier pain and fear were turning into emptiness and frustration. He hated that he had so many things hindering his ability to meet Eunseo’s goals. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone?

When the paperwork was finished, Seungmin was told that he could leave. He quickly got out of the bed, wanting to go, but forgot that he was malnourished. His body started tilting, and Minho was right there to hold him up, his arms around Seungmin’s waist.

“Careful,” the older boy murmured. Seungmin still didn’t look at him nor acknowledge his presence, but he had to lean on him a bit while walking no matter how much he didn’t want to. His “nap” at the hospital had made him feel even weaker.

Minho and Felix were sharing words with the manager, but Seungmin didn’t hear a thing they said. He kept his eyes trained on his shoes until they reached the car. Felix climbed in first, then Minho helped Seungmin sit in the middle and buckled him up. Seungmin wanted to be embarrassed or annoyed, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t anything right now.

He knew what Eunseo was planning, but he had no idea what his boyfriends and the manager were planning. He didn’t know what they were thinking. That was scary and worrisome.

The drive was silent - Seungmin thought so, at least. No one touched him like usual, so he didn’t have to deal with a hand on his thigh or an arm around his shoulders. He just had to sit there.

When they arrived at the dorm, he was expecting Minho to get out, but he didn’t. Confused, Seungmin looked up and saw everyone staring at him.

“Seungmin,” the manager said, turned around in the driver’s seat, “we’re going to figure this out, okay? We’ll help you feel better.”

There it was again - feel better. Seungmin didn’t want that.

“For today, just get some rest. I’ll let your members take care of you. We’ll talk about everything else later, but I want to make sure you’re comfortable for the time being.”

That was actually very kind of their manager. He wasn’t rude by any means, but Seungmin had been expecting more urgency in this situation.

The manager looked at Minho. “If you need anything, give me a call. You know what to do, right?”

Minho nodded. “We do.”

Seungmin almost gasped. Minho’s voice sounded small, and it never had before. Was Minho disappointed or sad? Was the tone from anger or tears? Seungmin didn’t think he wanted to know.

Minho helped him out of the car, and Seungmin had deja vu. He nearly tripped over his own feet, and Minho’s hands on his biceps were the only things keeping him upright. He was dizzy again, just like this morning. His heartbeat sped up, and he panicked. Was he going to pass out again? He couldn’t afford to do that.

“It’s okay,” Minho shushed when Seungmin’s breathing picked up. He held Seungmin tighter. “We’re right here. Just breathe, baby.”

Seungmin took a deep breath. It didn’t help with the dizziness, but that was slowly fading away. Felix appeared beside him and took one of his arms as the older boys began walking again, bringing him inside the building. Seungmin’s eyes remained unfocused even when the dizziness diminished.

The journey up to their dorm was a blur. When they walked in, Felix helped take off his shoes, and Seungmin didn’t try to protest. When he was done, he stood up and looked into Seungmin’s eyes.

“What do you want to do?” he asked nervously. “Rest? Sleep? Or—”

Seungmin couldn’t handle this - Felix’s awkwardness and hesitance, how he felt uncomfortable with Seungmin. He wasn’t going to tell them anything if they asked more personal questions, and he wasn’t sure if they knew that or not. The best thing for him to do right now was be alone.

So he walked right past them and into the hallway. He headed for the bathroom, the only room he could lock himself in, but as he was closing the door, a hand jutted out and stopped it. He slowly pulled it back and found Minho glaring at him.

Minho was definitely mad.

“We aren’t letting you be alone in there,” he said firmly. Seungmin’s vision swam, because that meant that they all knew about the puking. He really didn’t want them to know about that. They were going to feel even worse about the situation although none of it was their fault nor had anything to do with them. “You can be alone in our room.”

Seungmin fled for his bedroom. He slammed the door shut and dove head-first onto his bed, pressing his face into his pillow. He and Eunseo had been working together for weeks now, and no one had noticed a thing; they had noticed him pulling away and acting differently, but they hadn’t noticed Eunseo’s involvement. He remembered Felix telling Eunseo, “You two have been pretty close recently,” when he had woken up at the hospital. They all thought that Seungmin enjoyed spending time with her, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

He still didn’t want them to know about her, though. At this point, after coming so far, he didn’t want to stop. He was making progress with her. Like she had said, the others wouldn’t understand.

Now that his boyfriends and the manager and probably the whole staff knew about his eating problems, it was going to be very difficult to abide by Eunseo’s wants. He couldn’t skip meals, he couldn’t throw up, he couldn’t be alone often. He didn’t know what to do.

Seungmin lay in bed for as long as he could. He wasn’t crying or panicking or sleeping - just lying there, doing nothing, thinking of too much yet nothing all at once. He was lost and drowning in his own head.

A loud knock on the door caused him to flinch, the first movement he had made since he got on the bed.

“Seungmin, can I come in? It’s just Chan.”

Seungmin didn’t want to see Chan. Chan was still disappointed in him and had been for over a week. Chan hadn’t talked to him very much recently except to scold him for not showing up to schedules. Chan hadn’t said anything good about Seungmin in a long time. Chan still cared about him - hopefully - but didn’t think he was doing well in anything.

“Please, baby? Hyung just wants to talk to you.”

Seungmin stayed silent. He didn’t want to hear whatever Chan had to say, because it probably included how careless Seungmin was, how he was ruining the group, how this problem was affecting everyone in a bad way. Seungmin knew that everyone was stressed and angry to some extent.

“Seungmin-ah, it’s Jisung. Can I come in? Alone?”

Jisung was different. On Wednesday, Jisung had said that he was proud of Seungmin; Jisung was the only one to say that. No one else had said that they were proud or happy with what Seungmin had been doing. Seungmin knew that Jisung wasn’t disappointed - upset, sure, but not disappointed. He was somewhat pleased with Seungmin.

Seungmin shifted onto his side, curling up to face away from the door.

“Yes,” he mumbled. The door opened and closed, then the bed dipped behind him.

“I’m just checking in on you,” Jisung said softly, “seeing how you’re feeling.” Seungmin didn’t speak. “Are you feeling a little better?”

Seungmin shrugged, but the answer was no. He felt much worse than he did this morning.

“Are you ready to talk about anything?” He shook his head. “That’s okay. We love you and we want what’s best for you. We want you to be happy.”

Seungmin couldn’t tell why Jisung was saying all of that. If Jisung meant it, that was great, but still, it felt irrelevant.

“It’s a little after one p.m. We’re having lunch in a few minutes. You’ll eat a sandwich, okay?”

This was going to be a lot more difficult than Seungmin had anticipated. They were going to accompany him during every meal, constantly bring him food, force him to eat and not let him go to the bathroom afterwards.

“Seungmin, this is all that you need to eat for right now. I’m not trying to make you, but the doctor said that you needed to eat a little bit when we got home. Tell me that you understand.”

“I understand,” Seungmin murmured, feeling a tad bit better with that information.

Jisung sighed. “Can I touch you?”

Seungmin hesitated but nodded. Jisung’s hand landed on his shoulder, careful like Seungmin was going to run away. He wasn’t allowed to do that either.

“Listen,” Jisung started gently. Seungmin tensed. “You have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. You can still come to work, but you have to take it easy. As for the performance on Monday… you might not be able to do it.”

Seungmin’s head whipped to the side, and he looked up at Jisung with wide eyes.

“No, Sungie, I need to,” he exclaimed weakly. Jisung’s eyes softened and his eyebrows furrowed.

“We’ll see how you feel on Sunday.”

Seungmin shook his head. “No, I—“

“Seungmin, you need to understand what’s going on right now. You passed out from just standing and walking. You can’t dance like that. It’ll be up to Chan hyung, the manager, and the therapist. They’ll know what is best for you.”

Now Seungmin wanted to cry. He knew that he could please Eunseo if everyone left him alone, but that wasn’t going to happen. She wanted him to perform on Monday, so that was what he was going to do. If he didn’t, she was going to be furious.

“I know you love your job,” Jisung said with shining eyes, “and you are so incredibly good at it, but you need to put your body first. It’s difficult to let someone else decide something like this for you, but right now that’s how it has to be. We just want you to feel better.”

Feel better. Seungmin didn’t know how many more times he could hear that before he exploded.

He turned away and curled into his blanket. Jisung sighed.

“I’m going to stay right here for now. If you want to talk about anything, you can.”

Seungmin didn’t have anything to say to any of them. He couldn’t talk about his assignment, his relationship with Eunseo, how he was feeling, nothing.

Everything was falling apart. It was impossible for him to please everyone. He needed to figure out a way to lose weight without anyone knowing, and now puking was out of the question. Even if matcha tea worked, it wouldn’t be enough by itself. He was going to start eating three meals a day and probably snacks as well. Tea wasn’t going to help with that.

He covered his face with his hands, just in case Jisung were to look at him. When Seungmin had spoken to Eunseo in the hospital, he felt like things were going to be more in control, as her straightforward instructions often made him feel that way, but now that wasn’t the case. If he was unable to meet her standards again, not only was she going to be pissed, but Seungmin was going to be furious with himself. He knew that he could do it. Why wasn’t anything working? Why wasn’t he good enough for her?

He heard footsteps, then a sigh that was much too close. He peeked out between his fingers and saw Hyunjin kneeling in front of him. The older boy’s eyes were red and his lips were downturned; it was obvious that he had been crying, and it was Seungmin’s fault.

“Food time,” Hyunjin whispered, and the uncertainty in his expression made Seungmin suck in a breath. He didn’t want them to think he was weak or insecure, and he didn’t like how they didn’t know how to act around him. He was still Seungmin.

Or was he? Did he change so much that they saw him differently? He didn’t think so, and he hoped not. He needed to change physically for Eunseo yet stay the same mentally for his boyfriends. Now that he had changed, he needed to change again to make them less disappointed. That was what Chan was expecting.

He didn’t want to make anyone more upset, so he slowly sat up and leaned against the headboard. He tensed when he saw everyone else walking into the room and finding their places on the other two beds, only Jisung sitting beside Seungmin.

Then Seungmin realized that it wasn’t everyone; Chan wasn’t there. Chan didn’t want to see him. Chan was angry.

Everyone present had a plate in their hands, and Hyunjin had two. He gave one to Seungmin, who delicately placed it on his lap before looking around again. It was silent, and they were trying not to look at him, but a few of them glanced up at him every few seconds, waiting anxiously for him to start eating.

Seungmin stared at Jeongin. The maknae was the only one who never raised his eyes. Seungmin wasn’t sure what that meant; Jeongin had been the first member to notice that he wasn’t eating properly, and even now that everyone knew, Seungmin didn’t understand how that would make Jeongin feel any different. Nothing really changed for him, right?

Jisung nudged his thigh. Seungmin turned to him, and the older boy gestured toward Seungmin’s untouched food. Jisung was already halfway through his own.

Taking a deep breath, Seungmin picked up the sandwich and took a bite, not caring enough to figure out what was in it; they would never give him something he didn’t like. He couldn’t tell what the taste was anyway, not with how numb his taste buds were. They had been that way for a while, but now even more so.

He didn’t look at anyone until he finished the sandwich. There were some whispered conversations going on, but nothing that Seungmin could distinguish. He was still mulling over the fact that Chan wasn’t there. Chan should be there to oversee what was going on, to make sure Seungmin was eating, to scold him for everything like he had when Seungmin missed an entire schedule. Where was Chan?

The question was on the tip of his tongue, but before he could speak, the others began filing out of the room. He watched in confusion until only Minho, Changbin, and Jisung remained, their plates - and Seungmin’s - being taken by the others. Anxiety grew in Seungmin’s gut as the two older boys sat on Hyunjin’s bed to face him.

“We want to talk to you,” Minho started calmly. Seungmin curled his hands into fists. “You don’t have to talk to us, because that’s what therapy is for, but we have some things to say.”

Seungmin was so, so confused.

“We’re sorry,” Jisung said. “You should have felt comfortable around us enough that you could talk to us and confide in us, because we’re your boyfriends. We love you so much, Minnie. If we did anything to make you feel otherwise, that was never our intention.”

That was a punch to the gut. It had nothing to do with them. It was his own fault, and Seungmin knew that - he just wasn’t going to say it. He knew that they loved him, he knew that he could confide in them, but he didn’t want to, and that caused him to feel uncomfortable. He was hiding so much from them that he was scared of something slipping out accidentally, of them finding out about everything. If that happened, he didn’t know what he would do to assure them that he was fine and didn’t need anything from them.

“We support you,” Changbin added gently, “and we will do whatever we need to to make you feel better.”

Feel better. Seungmin’s anxiety bubbled into frustration again.

“What can we do right now?”

“Leave,” Seungmin grumbled without missing a beat. Tension grew in the air, but they didn’t argue.

“Okay,” Jisung whispered as he stood. They left the room, and when the door clicked closed, Seungmin lay back down on his side.

Chan was angry, Minho was unreadable, Changbin didn’t understand, Hyunjin was upset, Jisung was trying his best to no avail, Felix was quiet, and something was going on with Jeongin. The only person who was stable, on whom Seungmin could rely, was Eunseo. She was the only person who hadn’t changed after Seungmin was at the hospital. Without her, Seungmin would be falling into the deep pits of his mind, but when he could focus on her instead, everything stabilized.

So, Seungmin thought about the assignment: fifty kilograms on Monday. It was Friday, but because all eyes would be on him, he needed to start working on it now. He didn’t know how, though. He could try exercising, but he didn’t have enough vitality, and he didn’t think it would help, especially with his low stamina. Everything he did was going to be analyzed by his boyfriends.

Seungmin’s energy seemed to be deteriorating quickly. His eyes began closing, and despite how stressed and scared he was, he fell asleep within minutes.

---

He woke up when there was a knock on his door.

“Seungmin-ah,” Minho called, his monotone voice bringing some normality back into Seungmin’s life, “we’re eating dinner in a minute. We would love it if you joined us, but we won’t force you to.”

Jisung had also said that they wouldn’t force him to eat anything. He didn’t understand why. If they wanted him to “feel better,” wouldn’t they make him eat? How else was that supposed to happen?

Minho didn’t say anything else. Seungmin glanced at his clock and saw that it was a little past six, meaning he slept for a few hours. He had no idea where his sudden tiredness had come from.

He wasn’t planning on leaving his room anytime soon. Eating meant gaining weight. But eating also meant making his boyfriends happy.

Seungmin sighed harshly and buried his face in his pillow. There were two different paths, each with an ending that didn’t favor the other at all, but he wished that there was one in the middle that allowed him to see both endings at once. That wasn’t possible.

More time passed while he lay there numbly. He wasn’t hungry at all, and he couldn’t tell if that was good or bad.

There was another knock on the door. Seungmin didn’t know what to expect.

“Seungmin, can I come in?” Chan asked. “I just want to talk about your schedule.”

Seungmin’s breath hitched. Chan just wanted to talk about his schedule. Chan didn’t want to talk about Seungmin’s mental health. Chan was only concerned about Seungmin’s work performance and nothing else. Chan was still disappointed, no doubt, and now he was even more stressed by having to adjust their schedules once again. Everything was turning messy, and it was all Seungmin’s fault.

“Please, Minnie?” Chan pleaded.

Seungmin knew that this chat was going to happen one way or another, so he sat up against his headboard, got comfortable, and told Chan to come in. The eldest entered slowly, like he was giving Seungmin a chance to take back his decision.

“Can I sit?” He gestured toward the space beside Seungmin. The younger boy nodded. After Chan settled, he stared into Seungmin’s eyes and sighed. Seungmin couldn’t make out his expression.

“How are you doing?”

“Fine,” Seungmin mumbled, looking down at his lap.

“I know this is a lot, and I want you to be comfortable, but I don’t want you to lie, okay? If you don’t want to share how you feel or something, that’s okay, you can just say that you don’t want to share. We’d all prefer that over you just saying that you’re fine.”

Maybe this wasn’t all about his work performance. Chan definitely knew him too well, knowing Seungmin’s tells that even he didn’t know. Maybe it was his fidgeting or lack of eye contact; maybe it was nothing at all and Chan just knew who he was as a person.

“Okay,” Seungmin said quietly. “I… don’t want to share.”

If not lying could quell even the slightest bit of Chan’s disappointment, Seungmin would never lie again.

“Thank you.” Chan smiled, and it made Seungmin feel a little lighter. “If you ever do want to share anything, you can. You don’t have to talk to us about what’s going on in your head. You have a therapy appointment in the morning at the end of practice, actually.”

Seungmin didn’t want to go to therapy, especially because they didn’t know why he wasn’t eating. Eunseo had told him not to tell anyone. Was he supposed to lie and say that he didn’t like how he looked? Chan didn’t want him to lie. Seungmin knew that lying in therapy was very bad.

“I tried getting you the day off,” Chan continued, “but the manager won’t budge. You’ll be at the company for therapy and a meeting anyway, so he wants you to sit in on practice and do some vocals afterward. Your schedule is lighter than ours, though, and you’ll be home in the early afternoon. Is that okay with you?”

Seungmin nodded. He didn’t want to stop working because of this - because of something that was portrayed differently from what it really was. There was no reason for him to need a break. He didn’t actually have a mental health disorder - he thought so, at least.

“You and I are going to have a meeting with some of management when practice starts, then we’ll go back to practice for a while before therapy. I don’t know how long that will be yet, so there might be more practice, then vocals.”

Seungmin nodded again. Whatever Chan wanted him to do for work, he’d do it.

“I’ll walk you to and from everything. That’s what I was told to do by the company.”

Seungmin’s heart stuttered. They wanted him to be monitored as much as possible - probably to ensure that he wasn’t going to make himself puke. That was both annoying and terrifying.

Chan was quiet, and Seungmin looked up, only to see the eldest looking right back at him. He looked away, finding Chan’s gaze too inquisitive.

“I love you so much,” Chan whispered. “If I did anything that upset you, I’m really sorry. That was never my intention.”

What the hell was Chan talking about?

“Did I… do anything?”

“No.”

Chan didn’t want him to lie, and he wasn’t. Seungmin did something, not Chan. Chan had a right to be disappointed in him.

“Okay.” Chan sighed. “Can I kiss you?”

Seungmin was still confused. Why hadn’t Chan scolded him yet? Why didn’t Chan sound angry? Why was Chan acting like he did something wrong?

But if Chan wanted to kiss him, he couldn’t be too angry. So Seungmin nodded, and Chan leaned in, gently pressing their lips together. His hand cradled Seungmin’s cheek, and Seungmin’s muscles relaxed, eased by his boyfriend’s touch.

Chan smiled when he finally pulled away, and Seungmin wanted to chase him, but he didn’t.

“Thank you,” Chan murmured, giving Seungmin one more peck. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Seungmin breathed. He hadn’t noticed it until now, but there was insecurity in Chan’s eyes, which disappeared at the younger boy’s endearment. Seungmin wondered what Chan was thinking - good or bad thoughts?

Chan was staring at him again, their noses centimeters apart. Seungmin’s eyes started burning, and if this went on for much longer, he was going to start crying, because Chan looked enamored and almost not disappointed. But Seungmin knew better; he knew that Chan was hiding it for now, not wanting to confront it just yet. Seungmin felt the same way.

Luckily, Chan blinked and looked away a few seconds later.

“Do you need anything?” he asked softly. “We just had dinner. You can have some if you want. There was salad on the side if that sounds good. If you don’t want to eat, that’s okay.”

Seungmin bit his lip. Although Chan said it was okay, he was probably still going to be disappointed, but Seungmin really didn’t feel like eating anything - not only because of Eunseo, but also just in general. He had no appetite, which wasn’t good in the long run.

He shook his head, and Chan’s expression didn’t change.

“That’s okay,” Chan repeated. He carefully slid toward the edge of the bed before stopping and turning around. “Do you want me to stay, or do you want to be alone?”

Chan was always so considerate, even if he was talking to a stranger or an enemy, so it was no surprise that he was being so attentive to Seungmin’s wants.

“Alone,” Seungmin responded. Chan stood and headed for the door.

“Minho and Hyunjin will go to bed in about an hour, they may or may not come here. Some of us will be in the living room.”

Seungmin nodded. Chan smiled again before closing the door, leaving Seungmin with his own thoughts.

Chan was confusing him. Seungmin couldn’t decipher his behavior, but that didn’t matter, because in the end, Seungmin just needed to do well and please him. He didn’t know how he was going to do that, but he knew that he could.

He just had to go to his schedules, do well in them, attend the meeting, attend therapy, and be cooperative. That should satisfy Chan. He could do that.

It was almost too easy to forget that he had a second person to please, who wanted the opposite. She might pull him out of a schedule, she wouldn’t want him to eat the way everyone else wanted him to, he might have to disobey the other staff members. That would disappoint Chan.

That was what made everything so confusing and difficult. There was no middle path, no compromise, nothing that could make things better.

He was going to have to wait until the meeting to find out his next course of action. He didn’t know what the manager was wanting from him, and he needed to incorporate that into his plan. Whatever the therapist said would most likely be a part of that plan.

Therapy seemed to be one of the most terrifying parts of tomorrow. He wasn’t sure what to expect. She was going to want him to talk about his mental health, which he absolutely could not do. She was going to try to make him eat, which was the most complicated subject. It was all unknown territory.

No one entered the room while Seungmin lay in bed. He assumed that Minho and Hyunjin were sleeping somewhere else, with which he was okay.

He didn’t fall asleep soon, though. Even when he stopped thinking due to his mind’s exhaustion, his body wasn’t tired enough.

By the time sleep took over, he was only more confused and scared than before.

Chapter Text

Chan was about ready to rip the manager's head off - metaphorically, of course. He had been on the phone all morning trying to negotiate their schedules, but no one from management would even consider his offers. He just wanted his members to be able to relax for a day after what had happened.

It was lunchtime, and he was sure that the others were taking good care of Seungmin. After Seungmin's silence, not wanting Chan to come in, the eldest decided that it was better for him to keep a little distance. That also gave him more time to talk to the company - not that anything was happening over the phone.

Chan sighed harshly for the nth time, staring at the manager's most recent text message. All it said was that the schedules that had been previously made were not changing. Everyone - including Seungmin - had to work tomorrow, but Seungmin's schedule included therapy and a meeting with management. Chan hadn't told anyone about that meeting yet because he knew that everyone would want to go with him, but Chan was pretty sure that only he was allowed to accompany him. Seungmin still had dance practice, but he would be sitting out and watching for half of it, and the other half was the meeting and therapy instead. Chan didn't want to leave Seungmin alone for one second - sans during the therapy session - and the others felt the same way, but he didn't know if that was possible.

The manager kept telling him that Seungmin needed to work because of everything that they had coming up. Their comeback was approaching, and they were going to begin preparations in just over a week; that was why Seungmin needed to record his lines as soon as possible, and with the new performance - thankfully of one of their older songs - the schedules were tight. Management didn't want the whole group to be on hiatus, and he still needed Seungmin to work a little bit. Chan argued that mental health was more important, but the manager just said that Seungmin would have plenty of time to rest and recover while working.

Needless to say, Chan was beyond frustrated right now.

A hand landed on his nape, and he flinched. Minho was standing behind his chair with a small frown.

“What’re they saying?” he asked quietly.

Chan shook his head, placing his phone on the counter face-down and burying his face in his hands.

“Nothing good.” Minho rubbed his back. “How’s Minnie?”

Minho sighed. “I don’t know. He wants to be alone, and I don’t blame him.”

“Jeongin?”

“Still feeling guilty and upset, but he ate with us, so that’s something.”

“You?”

Minho went silent, and Chan looked up at him.

“I’m coping. Are you, hyung?” Chan nodded, but Minho didn’t believe him. “You’re freaking out on the inside, aren’t you?”

Chan huffed. “Maybe just a little bit.”

Minho nodded and sat down beside Chan. “We’re all lost too, hyung. Jisung seems to be dealing with Seungmin well, but everyone else is too hesitant. They don’t want to say the wrong thing and make it worse. I don’t think we can really do anything until tomorrow. Hopefully therapy helps a lot.”

They had been told not to force Seungmin to eat anything for now except for something small when they got home, which was the sandwich he had eaten for lunch. If Seungmin didn’t want to eat tonight, they could gently encourage him, but it was his decision in the end. He needed to know that he was in control; apparently that was very important while dealing with eating disorders. It put a sour taste in Chan’s mouth when he thought about it.

Seungmin was still wearing baggy clothing, so none of them knew how bad this really was. Chan and Minho had seen Seungmin’s torso in the green room, but it was difficult to remember and it wasn’t much. They didn’t know how long this had been going on nor how much weight Seungmin had lost. Seungmin hadn’t weighed himself at the hospital, but he would at therapy. Chan knew that no one would be privy to that information, as it was classified, but he was both dying and dreading to know what the number was. He had carried Seungmin earlier, and it was definitely easier than it used to be - easier than the weights Chan squatted with to warm up at the gym. That was terrifying.

Whether it had been going on for a year or for a week, it was going to take a lot of time for Seungmin to open up to anyone, if he ever did. They were going to wait patiently and make him as comfortable as possible.

“Hyung,” Minho whispered, staring at the counter. Chan hummed. “Do you know… what could’ve caused this? I know it doesn’t need a cause, but I feel like there was one, I just don’t know what.”

Chan felt the same way. Seungmin’s overall behavior for the past few weeks had been weird - skipping schedules, distancing himself, not eating.

“Me too,” he said. “Something else is going on, I think.”

Minho nodded, then his eyes lit up slightly. “This morning, did you notice how happy he was?” Chan’s eyebrows furrowed. “He was full of energy and really smiley until he passed out. He wasn’t like that yesterday, or any other day.”

Chan had noticed that, but not as much as Minho had. It was definitely concerning. From Chan’s experience with mental health disorders, a sudden change in mood like that could indicate a bad turning point in their illness. It could indicate that they had plans to hurt themselves, but he didn’t think that was Seungmin’s situation. Seungmin’s happiness seemed to be pure excitement for something coming up, like the performance they were supposed to have had today. Seungmin had been anxious about their dance practice video on Wednesday. How did he go from nervous to excited?

“He was nervous on Wednesday but excited today,” Chan voiced. “Something must have happened in between.”

Halfway through the sentence, Changbin walked into the kitchen and leaned his elbows on the counter on Chan’s other side. He didn’t say anything, so Chan decided to include him in the conversation. He gave Changbin a summary of what they had said, and the younger boy nodded along.

“Hyungs, I… have to admit something.” Chan and Minho straightened their backs. “When Seungmin and I napped on Wednesday, I could feel how… how skinny he was. I didn’t think anything of it, but I should have. It seems so obvious now.”

Minho quickly shook his head when Changbin’s voice became scratchy. “Don’t think like that. We’ve all been around him and we’ve all noticed things. We tried to help him, but he didn’t let us. That wasn’t our fault, okay?”

Changbin sighed and nodded, squishing his lips on his palm.

“We have to move on from that,” Chan added. “We know what’s wrong now, and we’ll do whatever we need to do to help him.” They both nodded. Chan looked at his phone, considering, and shoved it in his pocket. “Come on, let’s find the others. We should all talk about this before we do anything else.”

They ventured into the living room and found the other four boys on the couch, Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around Felix and Jeongin while Jisung rested his head on Jeongin’s shoulder. The television was on, but no one seemed to be paying attention to it. They turned to the three eldest and watched them sit down on the floor in front of them.

“Are you all doing okay?” Chan asked. It was important to check in on everyone, not just Seungmin. They all nodded. “We want to talk about the situation, our schedules, and what we’ll do from here on out.”

“What did management say?” Jisung asked with a small voice, his eyes red. Chan took a deep breath.

“We’re all going to work tomorrow. The only difference is that Seungmin’s schedule is lighter.”

Felix shot up out of Hyunjin’s hold. “What?”

“I know, I—”

“They can’t do that! He needs to rest and recover. Working isn’t going to do shit!”

Chan raised a hand, and Felix backed down. “I know, Lix. I've been talking to them all morning, and this is the final decision. He’ll attend some of dance practice, but he won’t participate. He’ll have a meeting with me and management, and therapy afterwards.”

As expected, everyone was suddenly talking over each other, complaining and saying that they all need to go. Chan felt a headache building behind his temples and closed his eyes.

“Yah,” Minho called out. “It isn’t our choice. If hyung says that we can’t go, we can’t go. This isn’t as simple as you think it is. It requires a lot of caution to make sure that Seungmin’s health improves, not declines. Too many people being there can make things worse.”

Chan was so grateful for Minho. The others quickly grew quiet.

“Yeah,” Chan sighed. “Just me, Minnie, and some of management. If there is anything I think you all should know, I’ll tell you, I promise. I’m not sure what to expect. But our top priority is helping Seungmin. Keep that in mind. That means no pressuring him, no cornering him, not too much hovering. We shouldn’t leave him alone too often, but we can’t be too close either.”

Chan’s voice cracked halfway through the last sentence. They shouldn’t leave him alone too often. The situation sounded so bad.

He rubbed his forehead and looked up at everyone. They looked more awake, except for Jeongin, who was staring at the wall blankly. Chan knew what was wrong with him, so he let the maknae be for now. He would interfere if he thought it was necessary.

“We want to talk about what has led to this,” Minho said. He glanced at Jeongin. “I know we’ve all noticed things. But if any of you think that you know what caused Seungmin to feel this way, that would be helpful.”

He stopped talking, hoping for someone to speak up. No one did.

“It could’ve just happened,” Felix suggested quietly. Minho nodded.

“Yeah, I know. I feel like that isn’t the case, though.”

“Nothing comes to mind,” Hyunjin added, resting his hand on Jeongin’s thigh. “He’s been wearing loose clothes for a while now, but he always has, really. His outfits for performances are more showy now… Could that be it?”

Seungmin had said before that he didn’t like showing too much skin, but he also said that he would if he had to. He didn’t like being shirtless in front of people who weren’t his boyfriends or stylists.

“Wait,” Changbin mumbled. “His stylist probably knows something, right? She’s made his outfits recently, so she’s measured him and stuff.”

Minho perked up. “You’re right. Minnie has been pretty close with her, too.”

“I’ll talk to her tomorrow,” Chan said. “She’s really nice, I’m sure she’ll be able to help. She might be sitting in on the meeting as well, I’m not sure who’s going to be there.”

A few of them nodded. It was silent for a minute, everyone thinking about what to do next, before Hyunjin suddenly grabbed his phone from his pocket. He clicked a few buttons and scrolled a few times, trying to hide the phone from Felix’s and Jeongin’s eyes.

“Jinnie?” Chan prompted, confused. Hyunjin glanced up at him.

“I’m just… seeing what he wore during our last performance. That might tell us when this all started.”

“That’s a good idea,” Minho said, wincing as the words left his mouth, “but don’t jump to conclusions. The camera might give an illusion.”

Hyunjin nodded. “I know, I just thought…”

He trailed off as he scrolled on his phone, soon coming to a stop. He didn’t bother to stop the maknaes from leaning over his shoulder this time.

“I don’t think this means anything,” Felix commented. “He’s—He’s always been kinda thin. I don’t see anything wrong. I haven’t seen him in anything other than sweatshirts and sweatpants in a while, though. It’s been, like… a month at least.”

“It could just be for comfort,” Jisung proposed. “We all wear clothes like that often.”

“Not as often as him,” Hyunjin argued.

“Still, we shouldn’t go off of this. It isn’t good evidence.”

“We aren’t detectives,” Changbin chuckled, not trying to be funny but not trying to be serious. Jisung huffed and crossed his arms with a pout.

“I don’t like sitting here and doing nothing,” he whined.

Changbin hummed. “Let’s do something, then. Get our minds off it a bit. We just have to hope that Seungmin reaches out soon, or that therapy helps. We’re doing everything we can.”

When a few of them nodded, he grabbed the television from the end table and turned it on, finding a random movie playing. He got up to turn the lights off, leaving the lamps on for a dim, comfortable setting, and sat back down. Just as he clicked play, Jeongin stood up.

“I’m going to bed,” he mumbled, walking away before he could finish speaking. Everyone perked up.

“Jeongin,” Chan said, halting the maknae’s movement. He slowly turned around. “How are you feeling? Don’t lie.”

Jeongin looked to the side. “The same as you all.”

“No, it’s not the same. Be honest.”

The darkness of the room hid the complexities of Jeongin’s features, but everyone heard his shaky inhale.

“Bad,” he warbled. Jisung was quickly at his side, guiding him down the hallway. Just before they disappeared, Jisung sent the others a thumbs up.

“Hyunjin,” Chan whispered, “how bad is it?”

Hyunjin shrugged. “I think he’s doing better than this morning, but nowhere near good. He can’t even look at Seungmin.”

“They’ll have to heal together, I guess,” Minho sighed, taking Jeongin’s vacant seat while Changbin took Jisung’s. “Once Seungmin finds out, he’ll set Jeongin straight.”

A few of them smiled and a few of them frowned - either reminded of Seungmin’s bluntness or just upset that both of the maknaes weren’t feeling well.

Changbin resumed the movie, but Chan knew that no one was truly paying attention, because he certainly wasn’t. His mind was on Seungmin. Not only did Chan need to tell him about their upcoming schedules, but Seungmin hadn’t wanted him in his bedroom earlier while he let Jisung in. Chan felt like he and Seungmin weren’t clicking well like they used to, but he didn’t know what had happened.

So, rather than watching the movie, he got up and went to Seungmin’s room. Seungmin let him in this time, and as Chan walked through the door, he steeled himself to stay calm and not let his mind take over his mouth. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing or ask the wrong question.

It was going to be a journey for everyone, and they could only hope not to get lost in the middle of it.

---

Jeongin listened to his hyungs chat about Seungmin, but he didn’t say a word. He had been feeling horrible all day, but he tried not to think about himself, not when Seungmin was the true one hurting.

Jeongin had known about Seungmin’s eating problems for at least a week now. He knew that Seungmin was losing weight, he knew that Seungmin was struggling, he knew that Seungmin needed help that he wasn’t going to ask for.

Yet Jeongin sat there and did nothing about it. He couldn’t live with himself. He waited until Seungmin passed out before doing anything, but he didn’t actually do anything. He watched the nurse tend to him, and when he caught a glimpse of Seungmin’s bare torso, he felt sick to his stomach. The only logical thing he could do was run.

Minho found him later, and Jeongin tried to tell him what was happening, but the older boy didn’t see it the same way. He got through to Jeongin a little bit, but at the end of the day, Jeongin still hadn’t done anything to help his boyfriend. That was unforgivable.

The thought of seeing Seungmin made him want to puke, and he absolutely hated it. He should want to see Seungmin to make sure he was somewhat okay, but he didn’t. Seungmin wasn’t going to blame him, Jeongin knew, but he still blamed himself.

He didn’t want to see what he had done to his own boyfriend by not paying enough attention and not caring enough about him.

Hyunjin took Jeongin back to the dorm before Seungmin woke up. It didn’t make Jeongin feel better, but Hyunjin tasked him with making sure that Seungmin’s room and bed were comfortable, and knowing that he could do something good for Seungmin now - albeit much too late - made him feel a little useful.

He managed to be in the same room as Seungmin while they ate, but he still couldn’t look at him. He just hoped that Seungmin didn’t notice. Seungmin could easily view that kind of behavior as offensive.

Now he was sitting on the couch with his other hyungs while they talked about what could have gone wrong. He knew that if he had done or said something, then that wrong thing could have been avoided.

That was why he left. He wanted to be alone to cry his sorrows away, even if he felt like he didn’t deserve it. But Chan had to ask how he was, and Jeongin couldn’t help but get a little emotional. Jisung insisted on going with him, and he couldn’t say anything in return - not a thank-you nor a go-away.

“Jeongin-ah,” Jisung crooned, one hand on Jeongin’s back while the other closed the door to their bedroom. “Let’s lie down.”

Jeongin took a shuddering breath and followed him to the older boy’s bed. Jisung pushed him down before climbing on top of him, putting all of his weight on Jeongin’s body. He shoved his face into his neck, causing Jeongin to do the same.

“Talk to me,” Jisung murmured. “Please.”

Jeongin sniffled and wiped a lone tear from his cheek. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Jisung already knew what was wrong, as did all of the others - sans Seungmin, probably.

“I can’t,” Jeongin choked out. Jisung kissed his neck.

“I know it’s hard. It’s going to be a difficult recovery for him, and for us too. Mental health is a bitch. It sucks, but we just have to move forward now. We’ll help him through his ups and downs.”

Jeongin pressed his nose into Jisung’s hair. “Hyung… What would’ve happened if I said something? If I tried to help him? Would he be…”

Jisung leaned up on his elbow and squished Jeongin’s cheeks with his fingers. “Innie. You did try. Hell, all of us tried to help him with something. He didn’t want help.”

“I could’ve pushed—”

“Pushing can do more harm than good. If someone pressures me to talk about my anxiety, I only feel worse and don’t want to talk to them at all. If you trapped him in a corner, he probably would’ve lied to get out and avoided you. You talked to him a bit and tried to open him up. That’s the best you could’ve done. You did more than the rest of us just by trying after you noticed that he wasn’t eating.”

“I could’ve done—”

“More? No, Innie, you couldn’t’ve. I don’t know how to make you understand.”

Jisung sighed, shaking his head. He released Jeongin’s cheeks and sat up, straddling the maknae’s lap. In any other situation, Jeongin would expect Jisung to dive in and make him feel good, but with how unstable everyone was, that wasn’t a good idea.

“Do you remember that really busy week we had last year where Chan hyung, Binnie hyung, and I were at the studio for over thirty hours in a row?” Jeongin nodded. “It was Seungmin, actually, who came to fetch us at least five times. We refused every time. Even his puppy dog eyes weren’t working. Binnie hyung and I eventually gave up and went home, but Chan hyung didn’t. He just got really mad whenever someone told him to take a break. He pushed all of us away because we wouldn’t stop pushing him. He finally came home when we all had a day off, then he slept for twenty hours. Even after that he spent too much time at the studio. Every time we said something about it, he only stayed there longer. He got worse because we were pushing. We backed off, and he got better. He started talking to us about how he felt.

“Seungmin’s situation isn’t the same, but it’s similar. If we kept asking him about food, he probably would’ve eaten less because of that. You asked a few questions, you didn’t overwhelm him. Innie, you did so well. Honestly, you handled the situation better than the rest of us. You noticed and you tried. That’s all that matters.”

Jeongin understood now.

“I’m really sorry, hyung,” he whispered, holding Jisung’s hands. “Thank you. I’m just… I’m too emotional.”

Jisung smiled, kissing his palm. “We all are. We’re here for each other, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jeongin sniffled. He pulled Jisung back down, kissed him, and rolled them over, making the older boy giggle. Jeongin shoved his face into his chest and groaned.

“He’ll be okay,” Jisung murmured, “I promise. You’ll see. I’m sure you’ll help him a lot.”

Jeongin hummed. Sleepiness was beginning to take over now that he had calmed down and had been on edge all day. Jisung stopped talking, and Jeongin snuggled closer, stuck between relief and anxiety.

---

In the morning, the dorm was quiet. Minho and Hyunjin had spent the night in Chan’s, Changbin’s, and Felix’s room, giving Seungmin space. They had been told not to leave him alone, but that was what he wanted, and overnight was a different story from during the day.

Chan, Jisung, and Felix hadn’t slept well, so they were the first ones to appear in the living room, even before Minho. Chan was sitting on the couch when Felix walked in, and he immediately invited the younger boy to join him. Felix just climbed into his lap and closed his eyes, like he was trying to sleep again.

When Jisung came, he sat down beside them and curled into Chan’s side.

“How's Innie?” the eldest whispered, wrapping an arm around him.

“I think he’s good now. I told him about that busy week we had last year when you were closed off and not sleeping, and how us pushing you made things worse. He understands now that he did what he could for Seungmin already. We just have to keep moving forward.”

Chan sighed, rubbing Felix’s back. “Right… Thank you for helping him.”

Jisung outright flicked Chan’s forehead, causing him to yelp.

“Don’t thank me,” Jisung grumbled. Chan rubbed the painful spot.

“Fine, fine. Jeez, you’re so prickly in the mornings.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

Jisung groaned quietly, flopping back against the couch, annoyed. Chan smiled.

“Who’s making food?” Jisung asked casually. The moment the words left his mouth, he tensed, as did the other two.

“Minho,” Chan answered unsurely. “Probably eggs. We know that Seungmin has been eating them every time we make them.”

Jisung nodded. “Will he go on a diet?”

“Yeah. He needs to eat healthily to bring his weight back up. They’ll find out his weight at therapy, and the therapist will assess him from there.”

They had all interacted with their company therapist at least a few times during yearly check-ups and - for Chan and Jisung - therapy sessions every few months. She was also JYPE’s psychiatrist. She was very kind, and Seungmin had never had an issue with her before. Hopefully she could help him.

Felix turned his head, resting his ear on Chan’s shoulder with his cold nose touching the eldest’s warm neck. Chan peered down at him.

“You feeling alright?” he mumbled. Felix nodded, tightening his hold around Chan’s shoulders.

“Tired. Long night.”

Chan nodded in agreement. “I think you can leave a little early today. Not as early as Seungmin and I, but earlier than usual. We’ll have time to rest.”

Felix pouted. “I can’t rest when he’s…”

“Yeah, I know,” Chan sighed. “We just have to do our best. Things will improve.”

Jisung hummed. Then he hummed again, this time questioningly. “You’re leaving with Seungmin?”

“Yeah. The manager texted me late last night about it. I might work from home. You and Bin will be alone this evening.”

Jisung nodded, and they sat in silence for a while before someone else emerged from the hallway. It was Changbin, who was seemingly no more awake than they were.

He sat down on Chan’s other side, peering at Felix’s face for a few seconds.

“I think he’s asleep,” he whispered. Chan looked down, and, surely enough, Felix’s eyes were closed and his breathing was steady.

“Careful, don’t wake him,” Chan warned, his voice barely audible. “He needs to sleep when he can. We all do.”

Changbin nodded, maintaining the silence. Chan continued rubbing Felix’s back even when his arm grew tired.

It didn’t take long for Minho to arrive. When he stepped into the living room, he stared blankly at them.

“None of you can feed yourselves?”

“We like your food, hyungie,” Jisung pouted. Minho rolled his eyes but approached the couch to give the younger boy a kiss anyway, as if expressing his gratitude.

“What am I making?”

“Eggs,” Chan whispered. “Thank you, Min.”

Minho finally noticed Felix, so he just nodded silently and left for the kitchen. Changbin ended up following him, leaving the three alone again.

They heard movement down the hallway, and Hyunjin appeared with Jeongin behind him. Hyunjin either snagged the maknae on his way, or he had joined Jeongin in bed at some point this morning. Jeongin looked tired, of course, but not as depressed as yesterday.

Hyunjin smiled, sitting down on Jisung’s other side while Jeongin went to the kitchen.

“He’s feeling better,” he murmured. Jisung nodded.

“I helped him last night. I hope he doesn’t get worse again, though.”

That was very possible. If Jeongin’s thoughts headed in the wrong direction, he could easily fall back into a guilty mindset. They had to be aware of his behavior and remind him that it wasn’t his fault.

The scent of fresh eggs soon wafted into the living room, and they got up one by one to go eat. Chan was reluctant to wake Felix, but he needed to eat. He bounced him a bit in his lap and shook his shoulder.

“Lix, wake up,” he whispered in English. Felix’s eyes fluttered open. “You slept for about an hour. It’s time for breakfast now.”

Felix sighed and pressed a lazy kiss to Chan’s lips, then held on tighter. Chan smiled and stood, carrying Felix to the kitchen table and setting him down on the chair beside Changbin, who quickly dished up a second plate.

“I’ll get Seungmin,” Chan announced with a grimace. He was worried that Seungmin wouldn’t want to eat, wouldn’t want to leave, wouldn’t want to speak. There were so many bad possibilities.

“Okay,” Minho responded from the stove where he was making more food.

Chan went into the hallway and to Seungmin’s closed bedroom door. He knocked, not too loudly but not too quietly.

“Seungmin-ah, it’s time to get up and eat. We’re leaving for the company soon.” He garnered no response. “Seungmin, are you awake?”

He pressed his ear against the door and heard shuffling, but no voice. The door suddenly opened, and he quickly leaned back.

Seungmin looked more tired than anyone else. He could definitely use a few more hours of sleep. He hadn’t changed his clothes from the day before, and it seemed like he hadn’t combed his hair either. Chan hoped that he brushed his teeth, at least.

He smiled, but Seungmin just stood there.

“Minho made eggs. The others are eating right now.”

Seungmin glanced down the hallway toward the kitchen, his hand gripping the doorframe. Anxiety was swimming in his eyes.

“I can bring your plate here, if you want,” Chan suggested. Seungmin looked back at him, and Chan wasn’t sure what Seungmin could be thinking. He ended up nodding, though, and Chan smiled. “Okay.”

He slowly stepped back before going to the kitchen. Everyone looked up at him.

“He wants to eat in his room, and that’s fine.”

Chan took a plate from Changbin that was already made for Seungmin. When he returned to Seungmin’s room, the younger boy was sitting on his bed, fiddling with his powered-off phone. Chan set his plate in front of him on the blanket.

“We’ll leave in a half-hour or so,” he said hesitantly. He didn’t like Seungmin’s silence.

He wondered if Seungmin would be speaking if it was someone besides Chan who had come to talk to him. Chan didn’t know what he did, and despite Seungmin saying that he didn’t do anything, he knew that he must have. No matter how hard he wracked his brain, he couldn’t remember anything that would indicate a rift growing between him and Seungmin.

“Thank you,” Seungmin whispered, pulling the plate onto his lap. He picked up the accompanying chopsticks and took a bite. Chan wasn’t sure if he was eating to eat or to show Chan that he was eating.

“You and I will leave the company together this afternoon,” Chan told him. “I’ll be with you pretty much all day.”

He watched carefully for Seungmin’s reaction, and other than pausing his chewing, he found nothing. He knew that Seungmin was going to be on edge with him there, due to both his eating disorder and his sudden problem with Chan.

“We’ll be in the kitchen for now,” Chan said, backing up. Seungmin just nodded, so Chan left the room, releasing a heavy breath.

When he walked into the kitchen, the others looked at him expectantly, but he only told them that Seungmin would come out when he was ready and go to work like normal. They didn’t ask for anything more.

Seungmin joined them as they were getting ready to walk out the door. They smiled at him, greeted him, and were pleased that he greeted them back.

Chan watched carefully. They weren’t ignoring Seungmin by any means, but they weren’t touching him or including him a lot in the conversation. They just didn’t know how to act without making things worse. It seemed like talking too much would lead to questions, which would lead to Seungmin blocking them out. If they touched him too much, they feared that he would feel uncomfortable due to his mental state. But if they didn’t interact with him at all, he would think that they didn’t want to be around him, which was one of the worst outcomes. If Seungmin pulled away too much, their relationship could crumble alongside his mental health.

So, Hyunjin sat next to Seungmin in the car and chatted quietly. Chan couldn’t tell what they were talking about, but Seungmin didn’t seem uncomfortable. He didn’t smile, but he spoke back. Hyunjin smiled a few times, seemingly trying to make the younger boy feel better. Chan hoped it was working.

The car ride was quick yet slow. They walked into the building together, but Chan and Seungmin broke off from the group to go to the meeting while they went to the practice room. Chan still wasn’t sure who was going to be there, but the manager was for sure.

“Seungmin-ah,” he said quietly. Seungmin hummed. “I know that a lot is going on, but you need to be honest with the manager, okay? If you need to change your schedule, that’s okay. The comeback preparations start in a week and a half, so we have a little time to figure things out. If you can’t record on Monday, that’s okay too. I know I’ve been pushing for it, but your health is more important.”

He studied Seungmin’s reaction, but there wasn’t one.

“Okay,” he simply whispered.

By the time they arrived at the meeting room, Seungmin was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, undoubtedly nervous. Chan was too.

“Ready?” he asked. Seungmin took a deep breath and nodded.

Chen pushed the door open and saw a long table. On the end was their manager, their main dance instructor, and Seungmin’s vocal instructor. Minho must be in charge of practice today.

“Hello,” the manager smiled, gesturing to the seats in front of them. “Come sit down.”

Chan could literally feel the anxiety radiating off of Seungmin. Bravely, he held Seungmin’s hand, not caring if the three staff members saw. Seungmin tensed but didn’t move away. They sat down together, and Seungmin kept his head down.

“How are you feeling, Seungmin?” the manager asked.

Seungmin quickly glanced at Chan before responding. “Better.”

“That’s good. I know you haven’t met with the therapist yet, but this is the best time we can have a meeting. It’s mostly about your schedule, but I also need to know a few more things.”

That was very ambiguous. Chan didn’t like it.

The manager sighed. “I’m going to be honest with you. We, as a company, haven’t really dealt with something like this. A lot of our idols and trainees have mental health issues like anxiety and depression, but for what we’ve experienced with eating disorders, there isn’t much. Nothing this severe, anyway. Because of that, our therapist will be your best resource, because she knows more. I still want you to know that I’m here, all of us are, so don’t hesitate to speak up or come find one of us in the staff. We want the best for you.

“There will be some mandatory changes. I want to lighten your schedule. I know you didn’t want to, but you’ve missed some of your schedules recently, and you told me that you were skipping. I’m not going to ask you what you were doing, but it makes me think that you need more breaks during the day. Your breaks and your lunch are going to be scheduled from now on, so you’ll have to eat at a certain time. Today you’ll eat with Chan after therapy. Just go down to the cafe and find something you like. Your therapist will talk to you more about that.”

He gestured to the two men beside him. “They will be here for you as well. They’ll make adjustments accordingly. I know that your dance practice schedule will change a bit.”

The dance instructor nodded. “Until you’re healthier, you won’t be participating in all of or most of your practices. We aren’t sure about what will happen on Monday yet. Was Friday the first time you passed out, or has it happened before?”

Seungmin shook his head. Chan thought he looked emotionless.

“First time,” he whispered.

“That’s good - well, not good, but better. Hopefully that means that you’ll be able to bounce back soon. We aren’t going to rush anything, though. Take your time. We want you to feel better, even if it’s at the expense of your performance.”

Chan already knew that Seungmin wasn’t going to like that. Seungmin was almost obsessed with improving himself, so knowing that his skills might worsen was bound to be upsetting. The members would have to keep an even closer eye on him.

“We’ll still be working together,” Seungmin’s vocal instructor said. “You love singing, and I don’t want to limit that for you. It’ll hopefully help, too.”

Chan didn’t appreciate how they were going about this. They needed to talk about Seungmin’s future and schedule, of course, but they were straight up telling him that he was going to have a lot of restrictions. They weren’t handling this like it was a mental health case; rather, they were handling this like Seungmin had a simple injury that he just had to work around.

“Seungmin-ah,” the manager started, his voice taking on a more intense tone. “This might be a lot, but there are some things we don’t understand. Does you skipping schedules have anything to do with this? Or is that a separate issue?”

Seungmin gripped Chan’s hand tighter. Chan tried to read his expression again, but it was difficult.

As far as Chan knew, Seungmin had been skipping schedules to work on a “surprise.” That wasn’t on Chan’s mind anymore, not with the eating disorder. He didn’t understand how that could relate to Seungmin’s eating disorder. Even if he had to sneak off a few times to do something, he shouldn’t have missed so much. He shouldn’t have missed over twenty minutes of a schedule - for everything Chan could think of him possibly doing - and he missed at least an hour multiple times.

The surprise couldn’t have been an eating disorder, unless that was what Seungmin had meant - although that made no sense. He hadn’t necessarily said that it was a good surprise.

Still, he spent too much time doing things other than schedules. Something else had to have been going on. Even if there was a surprise, Seungmin should have listened to Chan and not done it during schedules.

Chan was so confused.

Seungmin didn’t say anything, and that confusion grew along with worry.

“Just be honest, Seungmin,” the manager said. “I let it go last time, but now I need to know. Why were you skipping?”

Chan could feel Seungmin’s fingers trembling despite how tightly they were wrapped around his hand.

The manager probably didn’t know about the surprise, but he should have. If it was for the group and took up so much time, the manager should have been overseeing it. When Seungmin had to meet with the manager on Wednesday, Chan had figured that they covered that topic.

With how nervous Seungmin was getting, Chan could tell that something else was truly going on, but he couldn’t think of anything.

“Let’s move on,” Chan said confidently.

“Chan—“

“Hyungnim, please. Let’s drop it.” He looked at the manager with serious, apologetic eyes, and a few seconds later, the manager sighed.

“Fine. We’ll let that go for now.”

Seungmin’s grip loosened, but he was shaking more, and Chan wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.

“We’re going to meet up again in a few days. We’re announcing the comeback in about a week, so at the next meeting, we’ll figure out if you need accommodations, okay?”

Chan’s eyes hardened. Again, they weren’t handling this correctly. He shouldn’t have said accommodations.

“You can go to practice,” the manager smiled. “I’ll relay this to JYP. He would have been here, but he’s out of town. The three of us will stay in here for a bit if you need anything.”

Chan just nodded. He wanted to tell Seungmin to go on ahead while he talked some sense into the staff members, but he couldn’t leave the younger boy alone. He would have to do that later, maybe in front of JYP as well.

When Seungmin stood, Chan noticed him wobbling. He didn’t say anything and led Seungmin to the door, waiting to speak until it closed behind them.

“I’m sorry,” Chan said quietly. Seungmin kept his head down. “I don’t like how they’re treating you. I know you love work, but you need a break. I’m sorry that you can’t have one. And for the performance on Monday, if you aren’t feeling up to it, you don’t have to do it. I won’t let anyone be mad at you for it, okay?”

Seungmin nodded slightly. Chan wondered if his behavior was from the overall situation, the meeting, or just Chan himself being there.

Chan cupped Seungmin’s cheek and slowly lifted his head, intertwining their fingers. Seungmin finally looked at him, and his eyes were shining a little too much. Chan tried to smile.

“Do you want to go to practice?” he whispered. Seungmin nodded, more confident.

Chan didn’t ask this time before kissing him. Seungmin didn’t kiss back right away, but he eventually did, although his movement was languid.

Chan had kissed Seungmin many times before, but not in the last month. Everything had started changing a month ago. He knew how Seungmin kissed, what his lips felt like, that he sometimes wanted to be in control.

This time, Seungmin was kissing too slowly, his lips were too cold, and he was making zero to little effort. Chan knew that he was stressed, but still, this felt wrong.

He was reminded of what Hyunjin had said during their group meeting. Hyunjin was worried that Seungmin didn’t love them anymore. Seungmin had been very adamant that he did love them, and Chan had been certain that Seungmin was telling the truth.

He still thought that Seungmin hadn’t lied to them, but maybe Seungmin’s love was slowly dwindling away. This month, he hadn’t been comfortable enough with them to talk about his problems, to share much physical affection, to even say the three words when the others did. Chan felt like they would have to sing Case 143 in order for him to say it again.

When Chan pulled back, Seungmin’s mouth was open, in more of a gaping, surprised way than an enamored one - and Chan was his boyfriend. He shouldn’t be surprised to be kissed by his boyfriend.

“I love you,” Chan murmured.

Seungmin stared.

“You too,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact. No love.

There was no way that Hyunjin had been right - absolutely no way. Chan refused to believe it.

He tried to forget about it as he brought Seungmin to the practice room. There were a few hours left of practice, but Seungmin’s later therapy session would likely be one or two hours long.

When they walked into the room, the others seemed to be taking a break near the couch. Then Chan noticed that no one was sweating. They had been dancing for an hour, how were they not sweating yet?

“Hey,” Felix greeted first. “How was the meeting?”

“It was okay,” Chan responded. He was sort of hoping that Seungmin would set his bag down on the couch, because that required approaching the others, but he just stood silently at Chan’s side. “It was kind of vague. They still don’t know about Monday, but I’ll make sure that it’s Seungmin’s choice. For the comeback, they don’t know yet if things will have to change a lot. We’ll meet again in a few days.”

“So basically they know nothing?” Minho snarked, annoyed. Chan just shrugged and sighed.

“What about his schedule?” Jeongin asked.

“It’s pretty much staying the same.”

Changbin dropped down onto the couch. “This is such bullshit. They shouldn’t do that.”

“I know, Bin. They said that they haven’t dealt with this before.”

“That isn’t an excuse. They’re supposed to take care of us, not treat us like shit just because they’re inexperienced! It’s not like first-time parents treat their baby like an adult just because that’s what they’re used to. I don’t care if they aren’t sure what they’re doing, but they need to figure it out. We don’t know what we’re doing either, but at least we’re trying.”

“His health always comes first,” Jisung argued. “No exceptions. Keeping up with our schedule after literally passing out from walking isn’t a good idea. It’s a horrible idea.”

Suddenly, Seungmin lifted a hand up to his face and walked away. He sat in the middle of the practice room against the mirrored wall, where he would have to be to watch them properly. It was obvious that he was wiping a tear or two off of his cheeks. He took his phone out of his bag and pulled his knees up, keeping his head lowered and eyes hidden.

Chan looked back at everyone, who all just looked sad.

“Let’s get back to practice,” Hyunjin said quietly, as if he didn’t want Seungmin to hear.

“We haven’t even started,” Jeongin scoffed lightly.

Chan’s eyebrows furrowed, and he looked at a sheepish Minho. “You haven’t? It’s been an hour.”

“We tried, but everyone was off and upset, and we were alone, so I thought we’d take an early break. It didn’t help. Then we just waited for you.”

Chan smiled to show that he didn’t mind. Everyone was affected, not only Seungmin.

“Let’s get started, then.”

Chan warmed up while the others got in position, and there were two very noticeable gaps in their formation. Seungmin had yet to look up from his phone, but that was okay.

Chan noticed that everyone was indeed off and upset, and Seungmin sitting in front of them both helped and hindered. Some of them felt better knowing that he was right there, but some felt worse seeing how closed off he was.

When Chan joined, they truly began dancing. They did one of the three songs that they were going to perform on Monday, and Chan focused on every move, trying to judge if Seungmin could handle it or not. He wasn’t sure; the difficult moves were more footwork-based, but there were a few jumps and rushing from one side to the other. There was another song that required a lot of ups, downs, standing, and sitting that Seungmin wouldn’t be able to do. Hopefully management recognized that - and Seungmin himself.

When Seungmin finally abandoned his phone twenty minutes later, he made eye contact with Chan first. He wasn’t crying anymore and there was no evidence of it, but Chan knew that there had been earlier, which broke his heart.

Seungmin quickly averted his gaze, keeping his eye line below everyone’s necks. Chan couldn’t tell if he was actually paying attention to the choreography or just watching it.

There were two more hours until he had therapy - two more hours of an awkward atmosphere. It was rubbing Chan terribly wrong, because they had never been like this before, neither while nor before they were boyfriends.

It improved over time. During a five-minute break, they had protein bars as a morning snack, and Jeongin bravely took an extra one. After his “chat” with Jisung the night before, he seemed a lot better, and he hadn’t gotten any worse so far. Chan hoped that Seungmin would let Jeongin in a little bit, seeing as they had always been very close as the two maknaes.

Jeongin walked over to Seungmin and sat down next to him. Chan wasn’t sure what he said, but Seungmin was able to make eye contact again. Jeongin smiled, and Seungmin responded with one or two words. When Jeongin held out the protein bar, Seungmin looked at it for a few seconds before taking it. He opened the wrapper and took a bite.

Jeongin glanced up at Chan, and the leader smiled back, his heart healing slightly. Jeongin didn’t understand how amazingly he had been supporting Seungmin this whole time, both before and after he passed out. Chan loved watching his babies get along so well and make each other feel better.

When the break was over, Jeongin went back to the others to put his water bottle away, and everyone stared at him.

“What did you say?” Jisung whispered.

“Just that I got to his level a few days ago in the game we’ve been playing. It took way too long. He isn’t supposed to be good at online games, that’s my and Felix hyung’s area of expertise.”

Everyone was shocked, but Chan realized what Jeongin was doing.

“How’d you get him to eat?” Hyunjin asked, even quieter.

“I offered it nonchalantly since everyone was eating one. He just took it.”

“He’s using normalcy,” Chan added.

Jeongin nodded. “He doesn’t like special attention like that. It makes him feel bad if you all change because of him and treat him differently.”

A few of them glared at the youngest.

“Why didn’t you tell us that?” Felix scolds, his voice whiny yet a little angry.

Jeongin smiled abashedly. “I was… distracted. I wasn’t thinking straight till this morning.”

Chan patted his back and kissed his cheek. “It’s okay. Thanks for telling us now. We'll remember that.”

Everyone nodded. They returned to the floor, and Seungmin was about halfway through the protein bar, staring at his knees. It didn’t seem like much, but it meant a lot to the rest of them.

When it was time to leave for therapy, Chan almost didn’t want to go. Seungmin looked like he was about to fall asleep, his chin resting on his crossed arms and his eyes drooping.

After Chan packed his things up, he walked up to Seungmin and crouched in front of him.

“It’s time to go,” he said quietly. Seungmin just nodded and slowly stood up, not pushing Chan away when the older boy put a steadying hand on his bicep.

Through Seungmin’s thick sweatshirt, Chan could feel how thin his arm was. He couldn’t help but squeeze slightly and let go, unsure if he wanted to move closer or get away. It was scary.

Seungmin didn’t seem to notice, too caught up in ensuring that he could stand on his own. He picked his bag up and Chan grabbed the forgotten wrapper for him.

“We’re going,” Chan announced, although everyone was already looking at them. “I might be back before practice ends, but I’m not sure yet.”

When Seungmin had a schedule with no members but an instructor was there - like the vocal and dance instructors - Chan didn’t have to be present. Certain staff members were trusted to walk Seungmin to and from his next schedule and watch him - unless a member could come fetch him for a joint schedule or a member wanted to see him. Their manager, assistant manager, dance and vocal instructors, and Seungmin’s stylist were of whom Chan was aware, and he trusted them as well - for some, the trust was blind, but management trusted them, so Chan had no say. If therapy and lunch ended before practice was over, Chan would walk Seungmin to his vocal instructor for his next schedule, then Chan would go back to practice, leaving Seungmin. Chan didn’t like it, but that was how it had to be, and he could deal with it.

Seungmin allowed Chan to hold his hand as they walked through the halls, and it gave Chan some reassurance. He wondered if Seungmin acted this way with the others as well, or if it was only Chan who experienced this. With how weirdly Seungmin had been acting around him recently, it wouldn’t be a total surprise.

Chan still didn’t know what he did wrong.

Surprisingly, Seungmin didn’t seem too anxious when they arrived at the therapist’s office. Chan knocked on the door, and a smiling woman opened it. Chan had seen her before for his insomnia and anxiety, so he knew that she was nice and trustable.

“Hi, Jiho noona,” he said kindly.

“Hi, Chan!” She looked at Seungmin. “Are you ready to go?”

Seungmin had seen her a few times for their annual mental health screenings, but that had been six months ago.

Seungmin nodded. Jiho stepped back, and he went inside.

“It’ll be about an hour,” Jiho whispered to Chan. “If it’s more, I’ll let you know.”

She closed the door. Chan sighed and sat down in a nearby chair, pulling out his phone. He didn’t want to leave until Seungmin’s session was over, therefore he knew that Seungmin stayed and wasn’t alone.

Chan scrolled on social media for a while. He soon received a text from the manager saying that he wanted to have another meeting today, this time only with Chan, their dance instructor, and Eunseo. Seungmin’s vocal instructor would have been there, but he and Seungmin had a schedule together. Chan replied that he would be there after therapy was over.

Jiho didn’t come out to tell him anything, but the session lasted an hour and a half. When Seungmin walked out, Chan could immediately tell that it didn’t go very well. Seungmin’s expression was tense, he was squeezing his hands in and out of fists, he seemed to be in a rush to get out of the room. Jiho followed behind him.

“I’ll see you again tomorrow,” she said, looking at the top of Seungmin’s head.

“Thank you, noona,” Chan smiled. “It was nice to see you again.”

“You as well. Take care, both of you. Enjoy your lunch.”

They exchanged one more look before she disappeared behind the door. Chan turned to Seungmin, who was glancing down the hallway, eager to leave.

“Let’s go to the cafeteria,” Chan said, gentle but not too gentle. Seungmin began walking, and Chan quickly followed.

Chan felt horrible. Seungmin clearly wasn’t feeling well, and no one had done anything before he broke. It wasn’t until now that Chan realized the true extent; not only was Seungmin very physically ill, but mentally as well, and he still had to go to work. At the upcoming meeting, Chan would have to talk to the manager and try to lighten Seungmin’s schedule more, whether Seungmin was okay with that or not.

As they approached the cafeteria, Chan noticed the younger boy straightening his back, lifting his eyes, and shaking out his arms. He wanted to appear healthy in front of other people from the company, as they probably knew what had happened to him.

They browsed the menu, and Chan waited patiently, but Seungmin didn’t say anything.

“Anything look good?”

“No,” Seungmin mumbled.

At least he wasn’t lying.

Chan looked at Seungmin while Seungmin looked at the menu. If wasn’t mistaken, Seungmin’s eyes kept flickering back to the same spot. Chan followed his gaze.

“You want bibimbap?” he asked. Seungmin shook his head. “You sure? It’s very nutritious, and that would be perfect for you. I know you like it. I’ll get some too.”

Chan could practically see the gears turning in Seungmin’s head. Seungmin must have come to some sort of conclusion - that he needed to eat, that Chan was with him so he needed to eat - because he nodded, his eyebrows twitching in uncertainty.

Chan smiled and approached the counter, giving their orders. He returned to Seungmin to wait, resting his hand on the younger boy’s lower back. Seungmin tensed but didn’t move away. Chan was still trying to read him, but he couldn’t, because there was definitely something else going on, which threw everything off.

Chan was reminded of what Jeongin had said - that Seungmin needed normalcy.

“On the day the comeback’s announced, we’re going to have the whole day off. Did you know that?” Seungmin shook his head. “Yeah. Management thinks it’ll be good for us. We’ve all been working our asses off, so when STAY gets the announcement, we get to relax as well. We’re going to stay at the dorm all day and do absolutely nothing. I just found out a few days ago, so I don’t think the others know either. I know they’re gonna be excited, though. They’ve all been wanting time off.”

He was careful to not say anything about Seungmin specifically, therefore Seungmin wouldn’t think that all of this was happening because of him. It truly had nothing to do with him, and he needed to know that.

Seungmin didn’t respond, but he nodded again.

“I’m excited to spend time with everyone,” Chan continued quietly. “I’m not going to work that day either. I want to just cuddle with our boyfriends all day.”

He watched Seungmin, who silently sighed, tilting his head down more. Chan wasn’t sure what that meant, but hopefully it wasn’t negative.

Their food was ready, so Chan held both bowls and set them down on a table for two, pulling Seungmin’s chair back for him. He would usually receive some sort of bratty remark about how old and gentlemanly he was, but not this time.

Chan dug in first. Seungmin stirred his food with his chopsticks for a while, and Chan didn’t say anything, eating slowly.

Seungmin took a reluctant first bite, even slower than Chan. His eyes didn’t light up and he didn’t seem hungry, but he didn’t look disgusted. He took another bite, and Chan felt a little relieved.

Lunch was only supposed to be half an hour, but at the pace Seungmin was going, it was going to be more like a whole hour. Chan didn’t mind if it meant that Seungmin ate. He sneakily sent a text to Seungmin’s vocal instructor to inform him that Seungmin would be late.

It took forty-five minutes, but Seungmin’s bowl was almost empty when he set his chopsticks down. He looked queasy, but more in a regretful way than a sick way.

“Good job, Minnie,” Chan reassured. Seungmin looked up at him with wide eyes, and Chan was taken aback. “It’s time for your vocal lesson.”

Seungmin took a deep breath and stood, grabbing his bowl. He didn’t wobble, thankfully, but he had a faraway look in his eyes. Chan wondered what had caused that.

He didn’t ask, figuring that Seungmin could talk about it if he wanted to. That seemed to be the best plan.

They threw their things away and went back into the hallway, heading toward the vocal studios. Doubts swam through Chan’s mind about what Seungmin might be feeling and thinking - if his thoughts were good, if they were about Chan. Seungmin hadn’t rejected physical contact earlier, which was something.

Before Seungmin could open the door to the studio, Chan stopped him by the elbow. When Seungmin looked at him, Chan kissed him slowly, hoping to pour some hope into him as well. Seungmin didn’t resist, which made Chan feel a little more confident about his doubts, but he didn’t seem very happy to receive affection. He was like that sometimes, so it was okay.

Seungmin went into the room, and Chan made brief eye contact with the vocal instructor, who looked interested - probably about therapy and if Seungmin was doing any better than he had been this morning. Chan wondered what he would find out.

No matter how much Chan wanted to stay, he had a meeting to get to.

When he arrived at the conference room, he wasted no time.

“You need to change Seungmin’s schedule,” he demanded as he closed the door behind himself. The manager, dance instructor, and Eunseo were already sitting down, so Chan claimed the empty seat beside the stylist. “He isn’t mentally stable, he can’t have such a tough workload.”

The manager sighed. “I know, Chan. I was waiting for what the therapist had in mind. She just emailed me. She said that she thinks it will take a while for Seungmin to heal, so he shouldn’t be working as much.”

Chan was frustrated. Was that not already obvious?

“He might not be able to do Monday,” the dance instructor interjected. “If he—”

“That should be his decision,” Chan said. “You don’t know him like I do. If he is physically able to perform and we all know that he will be okay, he should perform. At least one song. He would be absolutely crushed if he wasn’t allowed to, and that would only make him feel worse. Trust me.”

“I agree,” Eunseo added. “If you know that he’s stable, it seems to be what’s best for him.”

Chan looked at her. He didn’t know her very well and had only spoken with her a handful of times, but she seemed nice, even telling them to address her as noona. She was also the one in charge of Seungmin’s looks.

“Noona, you’ve been hanging out with Seungmin a lot recently,” Chan inferred, his voice dropping from angry to curious. “You’ve been talking about clothes and stuff, right? Has he said anything about his size changing?”

Eunseo shook her head. “No, he hasn’t. He could have just hid it from me like he did from everyone else.”

Chan’s eyebrows furrowed. It suddenly occurred to him that he didn’t know why Seungmin spent extra time with her. The manager had hinted at it earlier, but Chan was pretty sure that Seungmin was with Eunseo while he was skipping schedules. Eunseo could have been part of the surprise.

“What were you even doing with him?”

“We mostly just talked, and not for long. He wanted to give some input on his outfit, like the design and textures. He didn’t like some things in the past.”

“Did he ever try anything on?”

Eunseo’s eyes flickered. “No, he didn’t. He was always wearing baggy clothes.”

“And you didn’t have to remeasure him for the outfits? He knows that he has to make sure his clothes are the right size. His body changed.”

She cleared her throat. “I haven’t measured him for a few weeks. I figured nothing changed. It must have started after that.”

Chan didn’t like how defensive she sounded. Seungmin wasn’t the type to be so picky about his clothes; there were definitely textures that he didn’t like, but he wouldn’t go out of his way more than once to speak up about it.

“He said he was working on a surprise. Were you a part of that?”

“No? What surprise?”

She sounded genuinely confused. Chan turned to the manager, who also looked confused, along with the dance instructor.

“He said nothing about a surprise to me,” the manager said. “He just said that he was skipping schedules.”

Chan shook his head. “He wouldn’t do that. When Minho and I asked, he said there was a surprise. I told him to work on it outside of schedules after he missed the recording session. He said…”

He paused.

“Wednesday night, he said he was late to a group meeting because he was talking to his stylist. What were you talking about then?”

Eunseo tensed, and Chan swore there was a little annoyance in her eyes, but not toward him. “About the dance practice video. His pants were a little too tight.”

“Too tight? How could they be too tight when he was losing weight?”

“Chan-ah,” the manager interrupted sternly. Chan turned his glare to him. “Be respectful. Eunseo is a professional, she knows what she’s doing. I’ve known her for a long time.”

Chan didn’t care how long the manager had known her for. Chan would do anything, suspect anyone for anything, for Seungmin.

Eunseo nodded along. “I’m just doing what’s best for him and your group. I would never jeopardize that.”

Chan sighed and leaned back. No matter how unsure he felt, he had very little power in this room with three older staff members.

“I mostly just wanted to talk about Monday,” the manager said, “but if any of you have anything else you want to talk about, we can at the end.” They nodded. “Chan, if I go with your judgment about Monday, you need to be one hundred percent positive that he will make the right choice.”

“I am. If he is capable of doing one song but isn’t allowed to, he’ll feel horrible - toward us, toward STAY, toward himself. I’ll make sure that he doesn’t lie and that he’s nourished enough. He’ll see the therapist again tomorrow, and I think he’ll have a diet to follow for now. I promise you he’ll do the right thing.”

“Okay. I’m trusting you on this. If anything bad happens, things are going to get a lot worse.”

“I know. But, hyung, I don’t think you’re going about this the right way.”

The manager raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I understand that you haven’t dealt with this before, but it isn’t like my insomnia or Jisung’s anxiety. It isn’t like when Hyunjin broke his arm. Seungmin is basically being forced to get help. He didn’t know that this was going to happen on Friday morning, and he clearly didn’t want it to happen. We can’t act like he came to us first. We can’t force him to do things. That’s part of why he needs to make the final decision about Monday. If you just tell him that he can’t do this, he can’t do that, he’s going to get upset and close himself off. That’s worse in the long run. This isn’t just about Monday and the comeback, it’s about the rest of his life.”

The three staff members sat in silent thought for a minute.

“Okay. You’re his leader, so you’ll have to lead him in the right direction.”

“I will, hyung.”

Because I love him, Chan thought.

“If I notice that he can’t keep up,” the dance instructor said seriously, “I’m going to have to step in. You know that, right?”

“Yes, hyung. But I’d like you to include me in whatever conversation you’d have with him.”

“I can do that.”

Chan felt a lot better now, knowing that they listened to him and would have Seungmin’s best interests in mind. He still didn’t like how Eunseo was acting, but the manager trusted her, so there wasn’t anything Chan could do.

“I think we should move his recording with 3RACHA to tomorrow,” the manager said after a few moments. “We’ve already rescheduled it a couple of times, but with everything happening on Monday, it’s best to get that out of the way early. His schedule is lighter tomorrow anyway. He can rest in your studio for a while if he wants to.”

Chan nodded. That was fine with him.

“Eunseo, do you have something for him to wear on Monday?” the manager asked. “As long as it’s black like the others, it’ll work. The looser the better, I think, as long as it fits. We don’t want to worry STAY right now.”

Chan felt his heart aching again. He wanted to disagree about worrying STAY, but he knew that it was for the best until things were calmer and more stable.

“I do have something he should fit in,” Eunseo responded, smiling slightly. It was a weird smile, like she was hiding something.

Chan finally decided that he didn’t like her, and he definitely didn’t trust her. He didn’t want Seungmin to be alone with her anymore - just in case. Seungmin seemed to like her and she seemed to like him, but something felt wrong to Chan.

They began wrapping the meeting up. They each shared a few more thoughts and concerns, but nothing was actually solved, and Chan was tired. After this, he had to hang out with Changbin and Jisung, then he would leave with Seungmin when his vocal lesson was over. He wanted to go home and sleep, but only if Seungmin was okay. He wanted Seungmin to curl up beside him in bed like he used to, either due to exhaustion or wanting to ensure that the leader rested. Seungmin had always been sweet and perfect for cuddling no matter how much he pretended to hate it.

Chan’s eyes burned.

As he walked through the halls to the 3RACHA studio, he contemplated what he should tell the other two. A lot had been discussed, but Chan didn’t agree with some of it. He should at least share the important information.

When he opened the door, he found Changbin and Jisung snuggling on the small couch, not working like they were supposed to be.

“Yah, get to work,” Chan scolded playfully, dropping his bag. They both sat up straight.

“How’d everything go?” Jisung asked first, anxious. Chan sat down beside him and leaned his head on his shoulder.

“Fine, I guess. I convinced them to let Seungmin decide if he performs on Monday or not. As long as he’s stable enough. Therapy lasted an hour and a half. He didn’t seem too bad afterwards, but he was antsy to get away from Jiho noona. He sees her again tomorrow.”

“Who was in the meetings?” Changbin asked. Jisung rested his cheek on Chan’s head, and the eldest sighed.

“The manager, assistant manager, vocal and dance instructors, and Seungmin’s stylist.”

“Oh, yeah! Did she know anything?”

Chan bristled. “No. I don’t like her.”

Jisung made a confused noise. “But she’s so nice, and she and Minnie get along well.”

“I don’t care if they do or not. She just rubs me the wrong way. She said that his outfit on Wednesday was too tight, but he had been losing weight, so that made no sense. I just…”

Jisung rubbed his thigh, and Changbin reached his arm across the back of the couch to play with his hair.

“You need to rest, hyung,” Changbin murmured. “You’re too stressed. You’d feel better after a nap.”

Chan knew that, which was why he wanted to go home. He didn’t have a choice, though, as the younger boys’ ministrations lulled him into a light doze.

He woke up to someone shaking him. He peeled his eyes open, and Jisung’s face was centimeters away from his own.

“Minnie’s here,” Jisung whispered. Chan looked at the door, and, surely enough, Seungmin stood there with his vocal instructor behind him.

“His lesson just ended,” the instructor informed. “I have to get going now. Take care, all of you.”

They responded similarly, then the man left. Seungmin glanced between Chan and the floor, unsure of what to do.

Chan stood with a sigh, turning to Changbin and Jisung. “You should’ve woken me up. I got nothing done.”

“You got plenty done, hyung,” Jisung frowned. “You deserved it. You both deserve to go home and get some rest.”

Changbin nodded in agreement. Chan easily accepted defeat and picked his bag up.

“Let me know if you need anything,” he told the two before he approached Seungmin.

“We will. Love you, hyung! Love you, Seungminnie!”

“Love you too, Sung-ah.”

“Love you,” Seungmin mumbled.

Chan’s heart twisted painfully. Why hadn’t Seungmin told him that earlier? Why did he say it to Jisung but not to Chan? All Chan had gotten was a “you too.” He definitely messed up, but he was so confused as to how.

He tried to hide his reaction, but Changbin noticed, furrowing his eyebrows. Chan shook his head.

“Shall we go?” he asked Seungmin with a smile. Seungmin just nodded.

Chan hoped that Changbin and Jisung would actually get something done today, but he also hoped that they wouldn’t, because they were clearly distracted - everyone was.

They held hands on the way to the car out front. Seungmin seemed to be giving in to the contact more and more each time Chan initiated it, so he needed to remember to keep it up.

“How was your vocal lesson?”

“Good.”

Chan smiled, tightening his grip.

The assistant manager drove them to the dorm. He asked a few questions about their day, what they were planning to do tonight - simple questions. Chan answered all of them positively.

It was silent after that. He thanked the assistant manager when they arrived, then he and Seungmin walked up to their dorm. After they stepped inside and removed their shoes, Chan spoke again.

“What do you want to do? I’m planning to chill in the living room. You can come if you want.” Seungmin looked hesitant, like he thought he was going to say the wrong thing. “It’s up to you, I’m just offering.”

“I’ll… go to my room,” Seungmin whispered. Chan leaned forward and kissed Seungmin’s cheek a few times - his cheek that Chan realized wasn’t as squishy as it used to be.

“Okay, baby. Relax, alright?”

Seungmin nodded. He pursed his lips in thought, then he turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Chan released a heavy breath. He went to the couch and sat down, pressing his palms against his eyelids. He knew that Seungmin had an eating disorder - that was the obvious part - but there was a huge, gaping hole. Not everything was adding up.

For the next few hours, Chan rested his eyes, keeping his ears open. He heard nothing. He eventually went on his phone to scroll on social media, seeing all of STAY’s posts about when the comeback would be, the dance practice video that had apparently been uploaded on Friday amidst all of the chaos. Chan decided not to watch it. He didn’t think he was ready to see Seungmin in tight clothes now that he knew there was a problem. Maybe he would later, maybe he wouldn’t. One of the members was bound to watch it soon if they hadn’t already.

By the time the others came home, Chan still hadn’t heard from or seen Seungmin. He assumed that he was lying in bed. Chan would have heard if Seungmin did anything else, anything worse.

Everyone joined Chan in the living room, and he told them where Seungmin was.

“Should someone check on him?” Hyunjin whispered. Chan shrugged, but most of them looked at Jeongin.

“What?” the maknae asked, confused.

“Jeongin-ah, baby, can you check on him?” Changbin requested. “I think you get along with him the best.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.”

Jeongin left, and the others got comfortable, Jisung and Felix curling up with Chan like cats. Hyunjin lay down with his head on Felix’s lap, Minho sat on the other end of the couch, and Changbin sat on Hyunjin’s feet, ignoring the younger boy’s squirming toes digging into his butt.

Minho turned on the television, and Chan was no longer worried about not being able to hear, seeing as Jeongin was with Seungmin now.

It was only a few minutes later when Jeongin walked back into the living room. Minho immediately paused the movie.

“He’s sleeping,” Jeongin said with a small smile.

“Are you sure?” Jisung asked. He had already been worried about Seungmin’s sleeping habits.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I covered him with his blanket. His phone was off in his hand, I think he’s out cold. I petted his hair for a while, and I think he liked it.”

That was good to know. Seungmin didn’t want to give in to their affection too much, but while asleep, he was unable to resist.

Jeongin sat in Minho’s lap while the older boy resumed the movie. They watched it until dinner time, and when Chan assured them that Seungmin had eaten lunch, they weren’t in a rush to make food. Seungmin was sleeping, and they wanted him to keep resting.

Minho and Changbin eventually went to the kitchen to make something. Jisung wanted to be the one to wake Seungmin up, so the others let him go while they set the kitchen table. Jisung returned with Seungmin trailing behind him, their hands connected. Seungmin looked tired, but not overly so.

Dinner was sort of plain, but it was fulfilling and easy to eat. Everyone was chatting, maintaining normalcy even when Seungmin couldn’t. Seungmin was eating, which only fueled their conversations.

The day hadn’t gone as badly as it could have, but it definitely could have gone better. Chan needed to stay on top of things for both the company and his boyfriends. He was determined to keep Seungmin safe and make him feel better by whatever means necessary.

Chapter Text

When the door closed behind Seungmin, his heart started racing. He knew what kinds of questions Jiho was going to ask, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to answer any of them.

It was a basic therapist’s room - two black armchairs in the middle facing each other, both with flexible armrest tables, and a large desk to the right with a rolling chair behind it. There was a bookshelf on the wall to the left, full of psychological and advice-giving books. The room wasn’t so small that it was suffocating, yet not so big that it was too open.

“Have a seat,” Jiho said, gesturing toward both chairs as she closed the door. Seungmin claimed the one closest to the exit - just in case he needed to escape. He didn’t know how this was going to go.

Jiho sat in the other chair, a clipboard with a packet of papers resting on her crossed leg. She wrote a few things down, and Seungmin watched anxiously until she looked up.

“How are you feeling today, Seungmin?”

A basic starter question.

“Fine,” he responded tightly.

“I haven’t seen you in quite a while. How has work been? Are you enjoying it?”

“Good. Yes.”

She nodded, scribbling something else down.

Seungmin didn’t like this at all.

“Is there anything you want to start with?”

There was absolutely nothing he wanted to start with. He shook his head, hoping that she would just let him leave, but she didn’t.

“Before we go any further, I’d like to measure your weight and blood pressure.”

Oh. Oh. Seungmin hadn’t noticed the scale beside the door until Jiho stood and walked toward it. He didn’t move.

Yesterday morning, he weighed fifty-one-point-nine kilograms. Eunseo wanted him to be at fifty on Monday. He had less than two days. He didn’t want Jiho to see whatever number would appear on the scale - either way, she would think it was too low, but Seungmin would think it was too high. There was no way it had lowered in the past day - quite the opposite, really.

Seungmin didn’t want to know his weight until Monday, and he didn’t want anyone else to know either. That was his and Eunseo’s business, no one else’s.

“Seungmin?” Jiho said encouragingly. She was standing next to the scale with her clipboard, and despite her kind features, she looked too sharp and scary.

If Seungmin stepped onto that scale, he was going to lose his mind, because he only had so much time left to get to fifty kilograms, and Jiho wasn’t going to help him one bit.

“You don’t have to look at the scale,” Jiho added, sensing his inner turmoil. “I just need to record your weight for future reference, therefore we can see how you progress later on.”

He still didn’t want her to know. She made it sound better than Seungmin’s head did, though.

If Seungmin didn’t step onto that scale, the manager was going to find out that he wasn’t complying, then Chan would find out, and his disappointment would grow immensely, because Seungmin shouldn’t be so disobedient in therapy where he was supposedly going to get help to make things easier on his boyfriends and on the company.

Seungmin couldn’t let Chan get more disappointed than he already was, or the leader just might explode from stress and Seungmin would die from guilt.

So he stood up and took small steps toward the scale. When he stepped onto it, his eyes kept trying to catch sight of the numbers, but he forced his head to stay up. Jiho wrote it down, and his fingers were shaking.

When he sat back down, he felt disoriented. He desperately wanted to know what was on the paper and what she was thinking.

He wondered what Eunseo would think.

Jiho wrapped a blood pressure monitor around one of his wrists. It tightened constantly for a minute before releasing, then she took it back, nodding.

“I’m going to ask you some questions,” Jiho began. “On a scale from one to ten, with ten being the worst, how has your anxiety been recently?”

During Seungmin’s last checkup, he had said four. Right now, he was pretty sure he was at ten. Excluding everything about Eunseo and his weight, he would probably be at six due to everything else - Chan, the comeback, pure stress, everyone knowing everything.

“Five,” he said quietly. That wasn’t much worse than four.

“Do you know what’s been causing that anxiety? Is it something new?”

It was very new. It was also something that he was not going to talk about.

“Just work,” he mumbled. “There’s… a lot going on.”

“Yeah, there is. Are you excited for your comeback? It’ll be announced soon, right?”

“Yeah. In a week.”

“That means that you’ll have to work more, though. Has your schedule been modified for the next few weeks or so?”

Seungmin shrugged. “For today at least. I don’t know.”

“Your manager told me that you have a performance on Monday and that he isn’t sure how it will go. You’re performing three songs, and depending on how you feel, you might only participate in one or two. I know that there is one song that’s dance is probably too much. But today I will help you, so you’ll feel better for Monday and won’t have to sit out.”

Sitting out wasn’t an option; he had to do at least one of the songs. He didn’t know what he would be wearing, but if it was something of Eunseo’s, he had to show it off for her. He was terrified about what she would say to him next time she saw him, which might just be on Monday, minutes before the performance.

“How about your appetite?”

She hadn’t asked him this before, but his appetite had always been a little low. That was why he thought he could do what Eunseo wanted him to do. He had a fast metabolism and could survive with a bit less food - but that didn’t mean he could survive with no food at all. He should have known that.

Hunger and appetite were two different things. Seungmin had been hungry for weeks, but he hadn’t had an appetite. His stomach was mad at him, and he was mad at it.

Jiho must have already known that his appetite was low, otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped eating. Seungmin didn’t think this was a necessary question to ask.

“I don’t know.”

Jiho wasn’t mad. She just nodded.

“How often have you been eating?”

Seungmin almost glared at her, defensive. He couldn’t tell her that he only ate when other people were watching or when he felt like he was going to die. He couldn’t tell her why either.

After a few seconds, she looked up at him. She just looked at him. The look in her eyes almost made him want to fess up, so he lowered his gaze.

“I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, Seungmin-ah. I’m not going to force you to do anything. The whole point of this is for you to get better, so I’m only going to do what you’re okay with. You’re the one in control here.”

He didn’t feel like he was in control. He was in the therapist’s office, and he didn’t want to be. How was any of this up to him?

Jiho sighed quietly.

“What I want to do is help you manage your eating disorder. You can defeat it, Seungmin. It doesn’t have to control you. I want to show you other coping mechanisms, introduce you to our dietician, and be here alongside you. We’ll both learn to understand your thoughts and actions, then we can work through them one by one. You’ll set the pace.”

Seungmin was overwhelmed. That all sounded terrifying. Coping mechanisms, dietician, Seungmin’s thoughts and actions. He didn’t want to learn any of that, meet someone new, share something so personal.

“So, we’re going to start with understanding,” Jiho continued. “If I can understand how you feel, I’ll be better able to help.”

Jiho could never understand. This was supposed to be between Seungmin and Eunseo only. He wasn’t going to allow anyone else to be privy to their regimen.

If that meant staying silent, he would stay silent.

For the next thirty minutes, Jiho asked him about his mental health in a variety of ways - not rudely or forcefully, but patiently. Nonetheless, Seungmin didn’t respond unless it was unrelated to his eating, weight, and Eunseo. They talked a little about the comeback, Seungmin’s favorite songs, and how he and his members were doing. He didn’t really want to talk about them because of how upset they were with him. Chan was disappointed and Minho was mad. The others were being too weird. Jeongin had shown a little normalcy while in the practice room, but he was the only one.

Eventually, Seungmin noticed frustration swimming in Jiho’s eyes, but she tried to hide it. She pulled out her laptop and showed Seungmin a YouTube video. It was a TED Talk about a woman who had struggled with a bad eating disorder. She shared her experience, how someone encouraged her to get help, what she did, how her mentality improved, where she was now.

It was a long video, but Seungmin paid attention. She showed him a second video of a man whose experience and reasons were different, and Seungmin paid even more attention.

The one thing he learned was that he didn’t have an eating disorder.

This didn’t start because someone made him feel insecure, because he didn’t like how he looked, or because he felt the need to be in control of something. This started because of Eunseo.

Seungmin didn’t have an eating disorder.

When the second video was over, Jiho said a few things to wrap up, but Seungmin wasn’t listening anymore. He was buzzing with an anxious energy and just wanted to leave.

She let him go, and he found himself back with Chan, going to the cafeteria. Going to eat food. Going to gain weight.

Eunseo was going to be pissed.

Chapter Text

After Seungmin had passed out and been in the hospital, everything changed. Everyone was watching him to make sure that he wasn’t puking or skipping meals, which was a huge change, but Seungmin also just felt different. It was like he finally realized how severe his situation was, but he still didn’t want to stop - not after coming this far. Not when he hadn’t made Eunseo proud or happy yet.

He knew that he was acting weird by being almost silent and too resigned, but that made sense to everyone else, which was good. He just felt numb - not like he had before, but like he was living in a daze with only two goals in mind: pleasing Eunseo and making his boyfriends proud. Those were only more difficult to achieve now.

Chan had been with him a lot so far, which set Seungmin on edge. That meant that there were more opportunities for him to mess up and make their relationship even worse. Chan seemed so indifferent that it was hard to tell what he wanted. Seungmin figured that it was best to speak less and try to do what Chan wanted him to do.

Chan had been showing him so much affection, which made it more confusing. Chan said that he loved him, Chan kissed him, Chan defended him - yet Seungmin saw through all of it. Chan was still disappointed, but he wanted to make Seungmin feel better anyway. It wasn’t working very well. Seungmin was hesitant to be affectionate back.

He felt like he didn’t deserve everything they were giving him, not with how much he had been lying to them. Minho was mad at him for all of this as well; it wasn’t only Chan. Everyone was stressed. Did Seungmin really deserve to be loved when he was putting them through so much?

Whenever Seungmin looked at Chan, he saw pity, pain, confusion, and frustration. Chan felt bad for him, Chan was hurt by him, Chan was lost because of him, and Chan was frustrated with him.

The one thing that caught him way off guard was when Chan said, “Good job, Minnie.” Seungmin could only stare at him in shock. Chan thought he was doing a good job? All he had done was eat most of a bowl of bibimbap. Even when Seungmin had tried his hardest during dance practice during the past few weeks, Chan never said that.

Seungmin’s “eating disorder” had officially changed Chan’s brain. Chan was different now. Seungmin doubted that the others hadn’t changed.

He really needed to pull himself together. Eunseo would tell him to try harder, to not be so reckless, to think before doing things, to actually lose weight like he was supposed to. Seungmin had to do that, or everything would fall apart.

Everything was crumbling, but he still had time to patch most of it up. If he let it crumble for much longer, that might become impossible.

On Saturday, Seungmin ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He felt sick and guilty every time he took a bite. He could feel his stomach filling up, he could feel how big he was getting, he could feel the added weight. Yet he couldn’t do anything about it.

It was a torturous day. Chan was constantly with him, and Seungmin was anxious that he would mess up, but he wasn’t sure if he did. Chan didn’t say or imply that he did.

Seungmin barely interacted with the others. During dance practice, Jeongin was the only one he really talked to. The maknae just talked about the games that they played at the dorm, which were something that Seungmin hadn’t thought about in at least a month. Once he met Eunseo, he didn’t have much time for games, as he was constantly preoccupied with her goals - not to mention their already heavy schedules.

Seungmin wasn’t feeling well when Jeongin came to talk to him, as he had just cried in front of everyone for seemingly no reason, but Jeongin somehow made everything seem a little less. A protein bar appeared in his hand, and Seungmin’s stomach growled at the sight.

He knew that he shouldn’t eat; he hadn’t had lunch yet, but he knew that was going to. However, he wanted to please Jeongin - and, if possible, everyone else. They were definitely watching the maknaes’ interaction.

Jeongin was Seungmin’s only dongsaeng. Seungmin was supposed to care and provide for him, to support him, to be someone he could confide in. But Jeongin couldn’t confide in him, as Seungmin hadn’t been allowing anyone to come too close.

Seungmin felt terrible toward him and the others. So, he slowly ate the protein bar, and when the corners of Jeongin’s lips quirked up and his muscles relaxed, Seungmin felt himself nearly deflate in relief. Jeongin was somewhat pleased.

Then Jeongin shared a look with Chan. Seungmin didn’t dare lift his head, but he tensed again, wondering what Chan could be thinking. He had to be having good thoughts, right? Because Seungmin was eating something, which was what he wanted.

Seungmin tried to hold on to that moment all day. He pleased Jeongin, he hopefully pleased Chan, he might have pleased the others. He wasn’t a total disappointment.

But his boyfriends weren’t the only ones whom he had to please; there was Eunseo as well, which was a whole other ballpark. She was the most difficult ballpark - the one that he really needed to play on more.

With his boyfriends watching him and being near him, he was getting distracted. Before he had passed out, they weren’t as worried, so they weren’t as involved with his private personal life. Now he was thinking about them even more and thinking about Eunseo even less.

That was a problem, and he needed to fix it.

On Sunday morning, he woke up an hour before their bedroom alarm was set to go off. He didn’t bother to get up, preferring to lie in bed instead and listen to Minho's soft breaths and Hyunjin’s light snores. He ran a hand through his hair and grimaced.

He really needed a shower.

He wondered how that would work. Would he be allowed to be alone? He wasn’t going to shower with anyone no matter what. Maybe he could just leave the door open and pray that no one walked in.

Or he could shower now before anyone else woke up. That could make them mad, though, especially Chan. He couldn’t make Chan any more angry. He should probably wait.

Seungmin was getting antsy and uncomfortable. His stomach was full yet empty, his head was starting to hurt, and his joints were aching. He didn’t know why, but they were, and he didn’t like it. He got out of bed and stumbled, lightheaded, then he left the room and went to the living room.

The dorm was quiet. He was sort of expecting Chan or Jisung to be awake and making coffee already, as they were the insomniacs of the group, but they weren’t here. That was good; they must have been sleeping well.

Seungmin sat on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest. He couldn’t help but notice how bony his knees and elbows were, how thin his legs seemed, how his thighs pressed into his ribcage. He almost felt like a ghost. He didn’t feel right.

He didn’t feel okay. He hadn’t felt okay in a long time.

Taking a shaky breath, he closed his eyes and buried his face in his knees. He wanted to go back in time to when he was happy and healthy and not the most stressful thing for his group and management to deal with. He felt terrible for all of them, and terrible for himself.

For a split second, a thought crossed over his mind; he had been doing something that he shouldn’t have been doing, and it wasn’t only stressing everyone else out, it was also stressing him out. He had to stop and take a step back. He had to stop listening to her.

The thought left as quickly as it had come. He didn’t want to stop listening to her. He was so close, yet he also felt so far.

Was he close? After eating four meals in one and a half days, he must have gained weight.

He started panicking a little bit. How much weight could he have gained in that short amount of time?

He stood and speed-walked to the bathroom. He needed to know how much he weighed so that he could try to plan something out. He hoped he wouldn’t see Eunseo today so he could have more time. The more time he had the better, but Monday morning was the final deadline no matter what.

When he stepped into the bathroom, his heart stopped.

The scale was gone. The scale that he needed was gone.

His chest tightened. How was he supposed to monitor his progress? How was he supposed to know if he was on the right track or not?

He knew that it was his boyfriends’ doing. They took the scale away from him so that he wouldn’t obsess over his weight. That didn’t matter, because he was going to obsess over it anyway. The only outcome was that he was terrified.

What if he had jumped up to fifty-five kilograms? Or sixty? What if he had gained so much weight that Eunseo truly didn’t have an outfit for him?

He felt sick. A familiar feeling breached his esophagus, and he fell to his knees, losing his stomach contents in the toilet. It hurt more than it had last time, probably because he wasn’t puking voluntarily. Tears spilled from his eyes as his chest and throat burned.

It lasted for hours - it seemed like it, at least. When he was only coughing and trying to catch his breath, a new presence made itself known.

“Seungmin-ah?”

Seungmin flinched and jumped away from the door, his back ramming into the side of the bathtub. Changbin was standing there with wide eyes - with scared eyes. He was scared of Seungmin.

The older boy took confident steps into the bathroom and crouched, his lips parting. Before he could get another word out, Seungmin burst into tears, completely overwhelmed.

“I d–didn’t m–mean to!” he cried, curling into himself. Changbin froze. “I didn’t, I–I s–swear! I’m s–sorry, h–hyung, I did–didn’t—”

“Seungmin—”

“P–Please, please…”

He wasn’t sure what he was pleading for. For Changbin to believe him? For Changbin to not be angry? For Changbin to leave him alone? For Changbin to stay and reassure him?

All Seungmin knew was that Changbin had just watched him throw up when no one else was supposed to be around. There was no way that Changbin would believe that it was an accident. It truly was an accident; Seungmin hadn’t wanted to puke at that moment. Maybe he wanted to later in the day, but not now.

“Seungmin!” Changbin shouted, shutting him up. He sounded angry. “Breathe, Seungmin. Take deep breaths.”

He hadn’t noticed how little he was breathing around his sobs. But he couldn’t breathe right now, not when Changbin thought that Seungmin was making himself puke.

More figures appeared at the door, but Seungmin couldn’t make out who they were. He squeezed his eyes shut, because now everyone was there, everyone knew.

“Get out,” Changbin said firmly, his voice growing a little distant. “I’ll handle it. It was an accident, not on purpose. He’s okay.”

Again, Seungmin was not okay, but relief flooded his bones at Changbin’s words. Changbin knew that it was an accident.

His breathing finally started slowing down, along with his cries. When he opened his eyes again, he saw Changbin reaching for the toilet paper and tearing off a few squares, folding them into one. He also noticed that the toilet lid had been lowered.

“That’s it,” Changbin murmured, making eye contact. His eyes were full of worry rather than fear. “Can I wipe your chin?”

Seungmin felt disgusting, and he hated that Changbin was seeing him like this. However, after passing out in front of everyone, was this really that bad?

He nodded shakily. Changbin gently wiped the vomit from his lips and chin, a slight pout on his lips as he concentrated. When he was done, he lifted the toilet lid and threw the gross wad inside, then he closed it and flushed it down. He sat down properly and turned back to Seungmin, who was trying to wipe the tears off of his cheeks.

“What happened?” Changbin whispered. Seungmin hiccuped. “I’m not mad or upset. I just want to help you. Are you feeling unwell?”

Yes, Seungmin thought. He shook his head.

“Just…” He whined quietly and mentally berated himself. His brain was scrambled again, like the eggs he was going to be eating in less than an hour. His stomach growled painfully, and he hoped that Changbin didn’t hear it. “D–Dunno. Didn’t want to. Just happened.”

There wasn’t much more he could say. He had felt sick because he didn’t know how much he weighed, because they took the scale away from him. Saying any of that would worry everyone more. He couldn’t let them know that he was still set on losing weight.

“That’s okay,” Changbin sighed, smiling. “We all have bad times. Do you think you’ll get sick again?” Seungmin shook his head again. Changbin held his hands out. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Seungmin took the older boy’s hands. Changbin slowly pulled him up, and Seungmin felt dizzier than he had earlier. Every swallow hurt more than the last one.

“Brush your teeth first,” Changbin told him, grabbing Seungmin’s toothbrush and getting it ready for him. Seungmin would have forgotten to do that if Changbin weren’t there.

Seungmin felt drained, and he had woken up less than an hour ago. The thought of having to get through the rest of today and tomorrow and every day after made tears fill his eyes, and he couldn’t hold them in.

He didn’t want to be here - not right now. He wanted to curl up in bed for a few hours or a few days. Everything felt like too much work. He still wanted to please Eunseo and his boyfriends and the company and STAY, but all of that was starting to sound impossible. It had seemed impossible before, but then he reached Eunseo’s goal, and he was on cloud nine. Then he passed out and plummeted straight back down to Earth.

“Hey,” Changbin whispered worriedly before they left the bathroom. “What’s wrong?”

Everything.

“I’m tired,” Seungmin said, his voice breaking and cracking. Changbin sucked in a breath.

“Do you want to rest this morning? Chan hyung can negotiate your schedule with the manager.”

Seungmin shook his head. He couldn’t put that pressure on Chan. It would either add on to the leader’s disappointment or add more stress that he shouldn’t have to deal with - or both. Chan would be upset if Seungmin messed up even further.

“You don’t have to perform tomorrow, you know that. It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

He wildly shook his head; even if he was barely awake during the performance, he was going to go out on stage and do his job. Eunseo wouldn’t allow him not to.

“I–I want to, hyung,” he assured quietly. Changbin eyed him carefully but nodded.

“Lie down for a while before we leave. You have time. If you don’t want the eggs Minho hyung is making, you can have a granola bar or something from the company when we get there. That’s up to you.”

It was up to him, but it also wasn’t up to him, because he was still being forced to eat. He thought that they weren’t going to force him. Things must have changed while he wasn’t there.

Just how much was he missing out on? How often were his members talking about him with each other or with staff? How often was his future changing without him knowing? Did he actually have a say in anything?

He didn’t have the energy or motivation to ask. Changbin opened the door and led him back to his bedroom.

“We’re leaving in forty-five minutes,” the older boy said as Seungmin sat down. “Take your time. Minho hyung and Hyunjin will be in and out, but they won’t disturb you, okay?”

Seungmin nodded, feeling a little uneasy with Changbin’s care. He didn’t think he deserved it right now.

“We love you,” Changbin whispered before leaning down to press a long kiss to Seungmin’s forehead. The longer his lips stayed there, the dizzier Seungmin felt, but not due to his eating habits. It was due to something else this time - something that he couldn’t identify clearly.

After Changbin left, he lay down underneath his blanket and faced away from the door, closing his eyes. He wasn’t tired enough to sleep - just exhausted enough to need to be still and silent.

In the silence, his mind went back to the missing bathroom scale. He would have to use Eunseo’s, which meant that Eunseo would be there when he weighed himself. They would both find out at the same time, and Seungmin wouldn’t have any time to mentally prepare himself.

But he already knew that he wasn’t close to fifty, so he could still start preparing now.

He stayed in bed for forty minutes, not even noticing whenever Minho and Hyunjin entered the room. He was pulled out of his head by Hyunjin’s voice.

“Seungmin, we’re leaving in a few minutes,” he said lightly. Seungmin nodded and sat up, not looking at Hyunjin as he got out of bed. He almost fell and had to hold onto the mattress for support. Hyunjin didn’t move forward in an attempt to help; his eyebrows furrowed instead.

Oh no. Was Hyunjin angry too? He must have been. Seungmin had promised him that he would stop pulling away, but by passing out, he had done the complete opposite. He had hurt Hyunjin the most out of everyone. If Seungmin were the older boy, he would be upset.

He swallowed the lump in his sore throat and went to his dresser for a new outfit - his largest sweater and baggiest sweatpants. He felt more aware of his body than he had before, and he wanted to hide all of it. He couldn’t let other people see how big he had let himself become.

He closed the door after Hyunjin left and began quickly taking his clothes off, just in case someone were to knock soon. In his haste, his eyes caught on the mirror, and he froze.

His body was bony and sharp like it had been last time he saw himself, but he could see how chubby his stomach and arms were now compared to then. He had let himself go too far by eating so much recently. He looked bad.

He gasped and stumbled backward, falling onto his bed. His thoughts were changing.

Maybe Eunseo wasn’t the only one who had a problem with his body. Maybe, after all of this time, Seungmin didn’t like how he looked either - and not just because Eunseo didn’t like it.

He forced those thoughts down, because they were much too scary to have in his head.

Seungmin didn’t have an eating disorder - he didn’t. He couldn’t. He wasn’t that type of person. He had never felt the need to change how his body looked - other than his teeth before, while, and after he had had braces, but those insecurities had gone away months ago.

But he couldn’t deny the fact that he had gained too much weight recently, nor the fact that he was out of control of everything. His life was truly falling apart.

With shaky hands, he put the sweater and sweatpants on, then his socks. He had to tape himself together for now and hope that it held; there was too much at stake.

When he joined the others to put his shoes on, he kept his eyes trained on the floor. He stood back up, and suddenly a hand was on his shoulder, causing him to flinch. It was Felix’s - probably out of worry about Seungmin falling over.

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked quietly. Everyone was listening.

Seungmin looked at the wall and nodded. “Yeah.”

It hurt to speak, but his voice sounded fine. That was good; he needed it for tomorrow.

“Minho hyung, Hyunjinnie, and I will be in the practice room pretty much all day, so feel free to come see us if you want to. The 3RACHA studio is always open as well.”

Seungmin didn’t think Felix believed him. The older boy let him go, nonetheless, and they walked down to the cars in a group of eight.

He rode in the same car as Changbin, Felix, and Jeongin. He wasn’t with Chan, Minho, or Hyunjin - all of whom were upset with him. He was a little relieved to not have them breathing down his neck right now, but he also wished they were with him, because he felt more distant than ever before. They probably didn’t want to ride with him - with the bundle of stress that was beginning to envelope the whole group.

Seungmin was the bundle of stress that was dragging the group down.

He was altering their schedules, making them more cramped. They were worried about him when they should be worried about their own performance. He hadn’t even recorded his lines in one of the upcoming album’s songs - the one song that wasn’t complete because of him. The songs were supposed to be complete by the time the comeback was announced, which gave 3RACHA less than a week to edit and mix the track with Seungmin’s voice. He had practiced his parts, but he hadn’t recorded any of them. When Chan had submitted the demos, Jisung sang Seungmin’s part, so if Seungmin didn’t record, Jisung would have all of his lines. He couldn’t even imagine that happening.

No wonder Chan was so disappointed. Seungmin was surprised that Changbin and Jisung didn’t seem disappointed or mad, as they were each one-third of the song-making process. In Seungmin’s mind, they were being the opposite of Chan right now.

Seungmin wasn’t sure what his schedule entailed today, but Chan would be part of it. He definitely had therapy and definitely had a vocal lesson. He hoped he didn’t have to see the manager again.

When they got out of the car, Seungmin made a strong effort to not look like he was having trouble walking. He wasn’t. He was fine.

The other car was right behind theirs, and Chan walked up to Seungmin first. Seungmin couldn’t make eye contact.

“The manager changed your schedule a bit,” Chan said softly - too softly. It sounded forced. “We’re recording your lines this afternoon instead of tomorrow because we have time. You have therapy right now, then a lunch break, then a vocal lesson, then the recording. Your lunch break is an hour long, so you can spend some of it in the practice room with the others if you want. The manager also wants all of us to go to dance practice after the recording too, but if you don’t want to, that’s okay.”

Seungmin sighed. He only wanted to go to one of those schedules, but even then, he didn’t want to have all of this weighing down on his mind. Chan had it worse, though, so Seungmin could pull through.

Chan held his hand out, offering. Seungmin sighed again. Chan had held his hand all day yesterday, and Seungmin was pretty sure that he just didn’t want him to run away. His hold was tight, like he thought that Seungmin would attempt to flee any second.

Seungmin felt like a dog on a leash, but he wanted to make Chan feel more comfortable, so he wrapped his clammy hand around Chan’s, relishing in the leader’s small smile.

“Bin, I’ll be at the studio in a few minutes. I’m just going to drop him off and pick him back up.”

Seungmin felt like a child being taken to school. Chan was going out of his way to walk Seungmin around when he wanted to be working. Seungmin was a huge inconvenience now - like a dog and child often were.

Chan started walking, and Seungmin remained a step behind. Therapy was probably what he was dreading the most, but if his throat didn’t improve soon, his vocal lesson and recording session were going to be horrible. At least his members knew why his throat was sore.

Chan knocked on the therapist’s door again while Seungmin fidgeted with the cuff of his sleeve, anxiety bubbling in his empty stomach.

He realized that no one had made him eat breakfast. He hadn’t been given a granola bar or taken to the cafe. Did Chan know that he hadn’t eaten? Did Changbin say anything about it? Seungmin was so confused.

But he was also glad. The less he ate, the less he had to throw up today - if he could even sneak out to do that. That was a later problem.

Jiho soon opened the door with a smile. Why was she always smiling?

“Hi, noona,” Chan said. “I’ll pick Seungminnie up in an hour. If that changes, he can just text me.”

She nodded and looked at Seungmin. “Ready?”

Her smile turned sour. Probably because Seungmin was a difficult patient - no, definitely because Seungmin was a difficult patient. She didn’t like him, which was fine, because Seungmin didn’t like her either.

The therapy session started out just like the other one had, and Seungmin didn’t give her any new information. However, when he spoke, his voice was beginning to rasp, and she noticed.

“Is your throat sore today?” she asked worriedly.

“A bit.”

“Are you sick?” He shook his head. “Okay. Well, I hope it’s fine for tomorrow.”

Seungmin hoped so too.

The scale against the wall caught his eye. He wondered if he would be able to sneak over there at some point, but he doubted it. She wasn’t measuring his weight today, but Seungmin wished that she was. He wished that he hadn’t looked away yesterday, because now he needed to know.

Jiho also noticed that Seungmin kept looking at the scale.

“Seungmin-ah, you’re going to meet our dietician on Tuesday because she’s too busy right now, but I have a paper to give you. It’s important that you gain healthy eating habits so you can get back to a healthy weight. I’m not only here to help you mentally, but also physically.”

Seungmin didn’t want that. She knew he didn’t want that.

Jiho gave him the paper, and he took it with a trembling hand.

“It isn’t good to do too much at once, so you aren’t recommended to start eating regularly again. The paper has some food options that are healthy and will help you feel better.”

Seungmin looked at it. Listed were protein smoothies, dairy milk, rice, nuts, red meats, potatoes, salmon, and protein supplements. Protein, protein, protein. Protein wasn’t too bad - but if it made him gain weight, then it was bad.

All of those options sounded horrible. He could already feel himself becoming bloated just by thinking about them. He set the paper on the table beside his chair.

“There are plenty of meals at the cafeteria that you can have. If you don’t want anything on this list today, that’s okay, but I highly recommend that you do.”

Seungmin didn’t care what she recommended, because her opinions weren’t the ones that mattered.

Seungmin’s brain was a little foggy after that, thinking about everything that was expected of him - from management, from Chan, from his members, from Jiho, from Eunseo, from STAY. There was so much.

They soon changed course to mental health instead of physical health. Seungmin wasn’t sure which topic he preferred.

They spent way too much time going over seemingly the same things multiple times. She asked him what he thought about himself, and he said that he thought he was a good singer. She asked him to elaborate, and he said that he had improved a lot since their debut. She asked him how his members had been acting for the past few days, and he got stuck.

“It’s important for you to have supportive relationships,” she told him. “I know you aren’t allowed to have romantic affairs, but family and friends are who will help you the most. Have you spoken to your family recently?”

Seungmin shook his head. He didn’t speak to his parents anymore, and he only talked to his noona every few months or when one of them had a huge accomplishment. He didn’t feel like talking to her, especially with everything that was going on.

“Do you want to talk to them?”

Seungmin sighed. “No. I don’t talk to my parents anymore. Noona sometimes.”

Jiho hummed, likely happy that Seungmin said something about himself. “Why is that? Was there a falling out, or did your relationship just fade away?”

“Falling out. They don’t like my career choice. Noona is busy in America. I’m busy here.”

“Are you okay with that? Or do you want to contact them?”

“I’m fine with it.” He was.

She nodded and wrote everything down. Seungmin’s skin crawled.

“How about your members, then? I know you’re all very close. Have you been talking to them a lot?”

Seungmin shrugged. She didn’t know that they were dating, of course, but he didn’t want to talk about them.

“I know it can be difficult reaching out to loved ones, but it’s a good thing to do. They want to help you in whatever ways they can. You just need to let them in.”

He couldn’t let them in, because then they would see how messed up he was on the inside. That was for him and for him only - not even Eunseo could ever be let in.

They had already seen how hideous he was on the outside; they didn’t need to see more.

“I think you should talk to them,” Jiho continued when Seungmin remained silent. “You don’t have to talk about everything, or even your feelings. Just be honest with them. If they try to help, rather than pushing them away, try to listen and decide how you feel about whatever they say. Then you can say no, or yes, or anything else. At least try, okay?”

Seungmin just nodded, wanting the session to be over already. Luckily, an hour had passed, and Jiho made sure he remembered to bring the paper with him when they walked out of the room. Surprisingly, Jisung was sitting in a chair, and Chan was nowhere to be found. Jisung stood when he saw them.

“Where’s Chan?” Jiho asked.

“He got caught up in a meeting, so he sent me.”

“Oh, okay. This paper has some healthy food options on it,” Jiho said, gesturing to Seungmin’s hand that hung limp beside his hip. “It isn’t required for today, but it’s a recommendation. He has to eat lunch, though.”

Seungmin, again, felt like a child. She was speaking as if Jisung were his parent. How was he supposed to feel in control when she was giving other people the reigns?

“Thanks, noona,” Jisung responded with a smile. “We’ll go to lunch now. I’ll see you later.”

“Have a good day, boys.” And with a final wave, she disappeared into her room again. There was no way that Seungmin would get access to that scale.

“How are you feeling?” Jisung asked as they began walking. “Sick?”

“No,” Seungmin mumbled, trying to give more of a response than shaking his head. He felt better talking to Jisung than anyone else.

“In your vocal lesson later, I think you’ll mostly just be working on your lines for the recording. I’m sure you’ve practiced them enough by now, though. If your lesson ends early, feel free to just come to the studio.”

Jisung made it sound like Seungmin had freedom, but he knew that his vocal instructor would have to walk him there - or another member. Either way, Seungmin wouldn't call that freedom.

Getting lunch was just as difficult and painful as it had been yesterday. Jisung asked to look at the paper, so Seungmin gladly handed it over. Jisung just read over the items, then looked up at the menu. He recommended a few dishes, but Seungmin wasn’t really paying attention to which ones. He was eating no matter what, and he didn’t have a way to get that food out of himself, so he didn’t know what the best choice would be.

He let Jisung order him something, and they waited for it. When it arrived, Seungmin sighed. It was bibimbap again. Chan must have told the others what Seungmin had eaten. He was okay with that, though.

Sitting down and eating it was hard. Jisung was eating his own bibimbap, and Seungmin wanted to please him, but looking at the food made him feel queasy - especially after this morning. He hadn’t thrown up involuntarily in a long time - outside of the effects of Eunseo.

“Jisungie?” Seungmin whispered.

“Yeah?”

“This morning was an accident.”

He felt like the others didn’t believe him when he said that he hadn’t thrown up on purpose, and he couldn’t let that continue.

“I know. I trust you. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Seungmin shook his head and sighed, resting his cheek on his fist. His stomach hurt.

“Just felt bad,” he said.

“Do you think you ate too much food too soon?”

That was plausible, but it was a sensitive subject. Seungmin shrugged, letting Jisung in a little bit - like Jiho had said. He couldn’t let Jisung in too much, but a tiny peek was okay. It was Jisung, after all.

“If it’s too much, it’s okay to slow down. A lot is happening right now.”

Seungmin wanted to slow down to a stop, but that wasn’t an option.

The longer he stared at his food, the more nauseous he felt. Jisung suddenly reached over and grabbed his hand, gently prying the chopsticks out of his tight grasp. He intertwined their fingers, and Seungmin stared at them.

“Don’t force yourself,” Jisung whispered. “We can all see that you’re struggling, but that doesn’t mean we want you to just try to go back to normal in a day. It’ll take time, and that's okay. Recovery isn’t linear.”

Seungmin wanted to feel reassured by that, but recovery was a weird word. He didn’t know what his recovery would even be - not when Eunseo was still there.

He closed his eyes and just focused on the warmth from Jisung’s fingers, the grounding weight of his hand. It was different from holding hands with Chan, as with Jisung, the hand-holding didn’t feel forced.

He heard a sniffle, and his eyes snapped open just in time to see Jisung wipe his cheek.

“What’s wrong?” Seungmin asked quickly. Then it hit him, and he pulled his hand away to pick his chopsticks up. He couldn’t let Jisung be sad like that. “I’m sorry, I’ll eat.”

“No, no, Minnie, wait.” Jisung grabbed his hand again, halting his movement. “It’s not like that. I don’t want you to eat because of me, I want you to eat because you want to eat. I’m just… It hurts seeing you hurt. You’re different from the Seungmin I know. But that isn’t your fault, okay? Don’t feel guilty. We’re all going to wait patiently for you to feel comfortable around us. I’m sorry that we’re acting so weird, we don’t mean anything bad by it. We’re just worried.”

How was Jisung so good with words? Seungmin had been waiting to hear something like that from his boyfriends, but none of them seemed to want to talk about the topic. Jisung was both the bravest and the puniest of them all; it was comical.

Hearing it from Jisung was different from hearing it from all of them, but it was something. They were going to wait patiently for him; what exactly did that mean? He wasn’t sure how long it would take for him to be comfortable with them again, seeing as he was hiding something so huge from them. He was assuming - hoping - that Eunseo’s last goal was on Monday and that she wouldn’t give him another one to hit afterward.

“Do you not want the bibimbap?” Jisung asked softly a minute later. “You can get something else. You had breakfast, right?”

Seungmin tensed. He wondered what Changbin had been thinking this morning when he didn’t make Seungmin eat. Did he not care? Did he forget? Why didn’t Jisung know?

He began to nod, but Jisung said, “Don’t lie.”

Sighing, Seungmin shook his head. “Bin hyung said I would eat when we got here. I didn’t have time ‘cause Channie hyung took me when we arrived.”

Jisung’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Oh. I don’t know what happened there, there must have been miscommunication or something. But you should have something now, even if it’s small, to get you through the day.”

Seungmin was never going to get over Jisung’s way with words.

He ended up having a protein bar. It was nothing close to an actual meal, yet Jisung was okay with it. He felt bad for wasting food, but Jisung said that it wasn’t a big deal, so he just tried to forget about it.

Seungmin’s break was supposed to be an hour and a half - why, he wasn’t sure - and only an hour had passed by the time they were both done. He could have gone to the studio with Jisung or to the practice room, but instead he wanted to go to his vocal lesson early. He was a little worried about his voice after puking this morning, so he wanted to make sure he could record today and sing tomorrow. He didn’t tell Jisung about that, though.

Like Chan, Jisung held Seungmin’s hand as they walked. It was quiet for the first minute, but then Jisung got chatty about some random topic that Seungmin wasn’t paying attention to. The background noise was nice, though.

Jisung sighed when they reached the vocal studio.

“Just text someone if you need anything. I think your instructor will walk you to us afterwards, but if not, one of us can.”

Seungmin still hated that they had to accompany him everywhere, but he couldn’t argue about it. He just nodded and opened the door, not looking back. He loved Jisung, just like he loved everyone else, but sometimes he just didn’t know what to say to them. That was especially the case recently.

His instructor was surprised to see him early. He was simply sitting on the small couch on his phone.

“Oh, hi, Seungmin-ah. What’s up?”

“Sorry to bother you, hyung.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I’m bored anyway.” The instructor pocketed his phone and sat up straighter. “Why are you early?”

“My throat’s a bit sore, and I’m worried about being able to sing well,” Seungmin said, wanting to get this done as quickly as possible.

He recognized the look in his instructor’s eyes. It was one of worry, fear, and caution. Seungmin had had a “sore throat” recently, and now that his instructor knew that he had been throwing up, he was probably putting two and two together in his head.

“Seungmin…”

“Hyung, I just felt a little sick this morning from the food I ate. That’s all.” Seungmin felt himself growing hot, sweat breaking out under his arms. It was humiliating to be looked at with so much pity. “I wanna make sure I’ll be fine for the recording and performance.”

The instructor nodded, accepting Seungmin’s words as the truth.

“Alright. Let’s hear what we’re working with.”

Seungmin sat in the chair and sang a few warm-ups. Other than the weird, rough feeling in his throat, his voice sounded fine.

Then they moved on to his lines. He sang them like he was actually being recorded, and he still sounded fine. They went over his parts in the three songs that they would be performing tomorrow - although Seungmin would only perform one or two - and he sounded fine.

“Nothing to worry about, Seungmin-ah,” the instructor smiled.

“Thanks, hyung.”

“You’re welcome. It’s good that you came early, because your stylist wants to steal you halfway through our lesson to get you fitted for tomorrow.”

Oh. Oh.

“Sh–She does?”

“Yeah. But you’ve got your parts down, so it’ll be fine if you miss an hour.”

That wasn’t what he was worried about. He felt like his world was tilting and threatening to topple. What was Eunseo going to say? What was she going to do? Was he prepared at all for her?

He tried to focus on the schedule at hand, but it was difficult, and his instructor noticed. He didn’t pry, though, letting Seungmin be. His voice fluctuated weirdly a few times, but overall he did alright despite the distraction.

When there was a knock on the door, Seungmin looked up at the clock and noticed that an hour and a half had passed. It was definitely Eunseo.

The instructor let her in, and Seungmin froze when he made eye contact with her. She was smiling sweetly, but her eyes told a different story.

“Come on, Seungmin. We don’t have a lot of time.”

Seungmin nodded and stood on shaky legs, shouldering his backpack. He thanked his instructor for the lesson, and when he and Eunseo were alone in the hallway, he was surprised that he was still standing.

Eunseo just started walking, and Seungmin followed. She didn’t say anything, and Seungmin wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.

They entered the stylists’ room, which was empty. Seungmin was a little confused as to why no one else was ever in there, but it didn’t seem important enough to think about.

Eunseo slammed the door shut, and he flinched, looking up at her wearily. She was glaring at him with her arms crossed.

“So?”

Seungmin shivered. “S–So?”

“What are you?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know. But I thought the only way you could do this right was by weighing yourself?”

She sounded condescending. She hadn’t believed him when he said that he had reached fifty-two kilograms, and that was definitely what she was referring to.

“I didn’t have a scale to use,” he said quietly. She sighed.

“Shouldn’t matter in the end. But you’ve hit fifty like you said you would, right?”

How was he supposed to know when he didn’t have a scale? Nonetheless, he knew that the answer was no, and the thought made him clam up.

“You said you had a way to lose weight. What have you been doing?”

He did? He didn’t remember saying that. He clasped his hands behind his back and stared at his shoes.

“I h–haven’t been able to do anything, ‘cause everyone else is—”

“What did I say about blaming other people for your mistakes?” Oh, right. “They aren’t the problem, you’re the problem. And now you’re telling me that you haven’t even tried? That isn’t idol behavior, Seungmin.”

Tears built in his eyes. Every time he saw her, the less he thought he deserved his position in such a talented group of boys.

Eunseo took a few steps forward until they were a meter apart.

“Have you been stuffing your face too? Or just sitting there doing nothing?”

Seungmin shook his head. “I–I wasn’t…”

“Okay. So you cut down on food, then? Is that it?”

Seungmin’s shoulders curled inward. Truly, it was the opposite. He had eaten a lot yesterday, and he wasn’t sure if he had puked it all up or not.

“Th–They made me—”

“Seungmin.”

“I ate more,” he whispered, defeated. “More than I should have. I tried not to. I’m sorry.”

“Clearly you didn’t try hard enough. We’ve been over this.”

“I–I’m sorry.”

She sighed harshly. “What do you think I’m supposed to do, Seungmin? You said you’d be at fifty, so I made your outfit for that. Not for your fat ass.”

Seungmin nodded, and a tear fell. She scoffed.

“Seriously, pathetic. God, I don’t even want to know your weight at this point. It’s going to be so fucking high. I’m gonna have to get you an outfit from somewhere else so you don’t rip the seams.”

Seungmin’s face burned. Just by standing there, he could feel his protruding belly fat, his too-big arms and legs, his chubby cheeks.

“But, unlike you, I’m going to do my job. So get over here.”

Eunseo was standing next to the scale. Seungmin dropped his bag and quickly walked over, not wanting to make her wait any longer. He stepped onto it without thinking, because there was no point in stalling.

When she didn’t say anything, he looked down and gasped. He was fifty-four-point-three kilograms. He was four-point-three too high. He looked up at her in fear, only to see her teeth grinding and her eyes blazing.

She grabbed his arm and pulled him off of the scale. He was waiting for the slap, but it didn’t come.

“I am so fucking pissed right now, Seungmin,” she spat. “How could you even—” She scoffed again. “How can you go from fifty-two to fifty-four in two days?”

How could you expect me to go from fifty-two to fifty in two days? Seungmin thought for a moment. The question quickly fled his mind.

“I–I don’t know.”

“What did you used to do, then? You were losing weight really fucking slowly, but you were losing weight, and now you’re gaining it. What changed?”

I was hospitalized and exposed to everyone. He wasn’t allowed to skip meals or puke anymore; that was what had changed.

Eunseo slapped him, and for some reason he was a little relieved. He felt like he deserved that.

“Answer me.”

“I–I was… Used to e–eat less, and… make—make myself… p–puke.”

It was embarrassing to admit out loud. He had never said it before.

Eunseo hummed in interest. “I never thought you’d have the guts to do that. I’m impressed.”

Seungmin’s whole body warmed. He impressed her - by puking, but still. He impressed her. That was a huge accomplishment. He should have told her about that sooner.

“But I can’t be impressed if you don’t listen to me. I told you not to slack off, but you did. That isn’t okay.”

Seungmin deflated. “Sorry, noona-nim.”

“You need to start doing that again, otherwise this is never going to work out. Tomorrow is already fucked up, thanks to you. Are you going to fuck everything else up too?” He shook his head. “Then stop eating so much and keep getting it out of your system when you do.”

“B–But then I won’t…” He stopped himself, worried about being disrespectful, but she remained silent, listening. “If I don’t eat anything, I’ll pass out.”

“No, I don’t think you will. Just eat an apple in the morning and night and you’ll be fine. Don’t be a baby.”

She had scolded him for not eating anything, but now she was telling him to not eat anything. How did that make sense?

“Th–They’re… watching, noona-nim. Always.”

Eunseo looked around the room with a raised eyebrow. “They are? Who? Where? I don’t see anyone.”

Seungmin wasn’t sure where this was going.

“What have you eaten today?”

“Protein bar.”

“Yesterday?”

He struggled to remember. “Eggs… Protein bar… Bibimbap… Sandwich.”

“Dammit, no wonder you’re so big right now.”

“Th–This morning—”

“I don’t care about this morning. This is right now.”

He wanted to tell her that he had already puked that morning, but she clearly didn’t want to hear it.

“Let’s go, then,” Eunseo said, walking toward the door. Seungmin followed hastily.

“Where?”

“To the bathroom.”

Realization dawned on Seungmin, and he gasped. “N–Noona—”

She spun around and pointed at him with a glare. “Kim Seungmin, knock it off. Just listen to me for fuck’s sake.”

Seungmin nodded and closed his mouth. He didn’t like how vulgar her language was today.

Eunseo led him to the family bathroom - the same one that Seungmin had hid, cried, and puked in already. The one that he hated with a vengeance. The one that he would never be able to use as a proper restroom again.

“Get on with it,” she said, locking the door and gesturing toward the toilet. Seungmin was growing scared.

“But…”

The look in her eyes told him enough, but the rational part of his brain came to life.

“I–I have a performance tomorrow.”

“You do.”

“My voice—”

“Doesn’t matter. Your body is what matters. Everyone thinks you lip-sync anyway, so how you look is more important for this kind of stage.”

Oh. Did people really believe that? He supposed that it was possible. Anything seemed possible these days.

“We don’t have all day,” Eunseo chided.

Seungmin gulped and looked at the toilet. He thought that he might do it if he was alone, but he wasn’t, so he really didn’t want to throw up.

Then he remembered his next schedule.

“But I have to—”

She held his bicep in a vice grip, her fingers wrapping fully around him.

“I told you to stop it with the excuses. They make you sound weaker than you already are. They’re foolish and stupid. What do you think your leader would say if he found out that you were blaming him for all of your problems, huh?”

Eunseo just hit a sore spot. Anything involving his members was a sore spot; anything involving Chan was a throbbing ache.

“If this is the only solution you have, then this is what you have to do. You know that.”

Seungmin started shaking his head, and she tightened her hold, shoving him down onto his knees and turning him to face the toilet. Seungmin couldn’t breathe.

“N–Noona—“

“We don’t have all day, Seungmin.”

No matter what Seungmin wanted to do, he could already feel nausea returning from lunch, the feeling intensified by his incoming panic and the strong hands on his shoulders.

Within seconds he could feel it rushing up his throat - the protein bar from an hour and a half ago, whatever from yesterday he hadn’t lost in the toilet that morning, bile. It hurt, and he could practically feel his throat being torn up.

When he was done, he realized that the hands were gone. He could still feel her presence behind him. He was coughing and crying, trying to be as quiet as possible.

“Is that all?” Eunseo asked loudly, making him flinch. He gripped the toilet seat harder.

He could still feel something sitting heavily in his stomach, and he wanted that gone. He didn’t even have to do anything, as the irritation and inflammation of his throat made it spasm, and more soon came rushing up from his stomach.

By the time he was done, his panic had already hit its peak and was calming down. The pain in his throat and mouth told him that the panic was going to return soon.

He opened his misty eyes, and the sight in front of him almost made him puke again. The inside of the toilet looked disgusting, but what threw him for a loop was the bit of red - unmistakably blood.

Eunseo was still standing silently behind him. Seungmin had never been this vulnerable and weak in front of someone before - not his boyfriends, not his family, no one. He was allowing Eunseo - someone he had met less than a month ago - to see all of his mushy insides. He was letting her in, but he didn’t want to let her in. She found a hidden key and let herself in.

Seungmin felt dazed, so he grabbed some toilet paper to wipe his face, then he flushed the toilet.

“There,” Eunseo said with finality. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Seungmin wanted to say that it was, that he hated this, that he had so many regrets, but he couldn’t - literally couldn’t. He was worried that trying to speak would shred his throat to pieces.

He pointedly didn’t think about his upcoming schedule.

Eunseo wasn’t moving, so Seungmin stumbled up to his feet, holding onto the sink for support. He didn’t look into the mirror.

“Your next schedule starts in five minutes,” Eunseo announced.

Seungmin’s blood ran cold.

Rushing, he splashed water on his face and washed his hands. Every ragged breath he took felt like a knife carving his esophagus out like a pumpkin. His brain was too jumbled to even think about what that meant for him later.

Soon, Eunseo slung his backpack over his shoulder and grabbed his forearm, pulling him out of the bathroom and down the hall.

“If you don’t like what just happened,” she growled quietly into his ear, “then you should have tried harder. I hate slackers.”

That sounded like a threat. Seungmin regretted everything that had happened in the past month.

When they arrived at 3RACHA’s studio, Seungmin’s heart was beating out of his chest. Eunseo knocked on the door, and Seungmin was expecting Chan to open it, but Jeongin appeared instead.

“Hey,” the maknae smiled, opening the door wider. He looked at Eunseo. “Where’s his instructor?”

“I had to get Seungmin fitted for tomorrow, so I took some of his time. That’s all.”

Seungmin realized belatedly that he had never actually been fitted. Did she have an outfit for him? Or was he too fat to fit in her clothes? He wouldn’t know until tomorrow.

He wondered if throwing up just now would have any effect on his body tomorrow. Was it worth it?

Jeongin thanked Eunseo, then he opened the door wider, gesturing for Seungmin to come in. He walked inside and looked back at Eunseo, who sent him a meaningful look, wanting the past hour to stay on Seungmin’s mind.

When the door closed, Seungmin felt like he could fall apart, but he held himself together.

The only people in the studio were Changbin, Jisung, and Jeongin. The eldest noticed Seungmin’s confusion.

“Channie hyung had to see the manager. About the comeback, I think.”

They were probably talking about Seungmin. That wasn’t good.

“Your parts have my demo,” Jisung added, “so I can direct you. He doesn’t have to be here.”

And, sadly, Seungmin didn’t want Chan to be there. He felt like a horrible dongsaeng and boyfriend by thinking that, but he couldn’t handle trying to quell Chan’s disappointment on top of everything else he had to do today.

“Are you ready to record?” Changbin asked. “Or do you want to warm up first? Or rest?”

Seungmin shook his head, setting his bag down and heading toward the booth. Jeongin sat on the couch with his phone, and Seungmin wasn’t sure why he was there, but it was okay. Jeongin had been acting normal with him since dance practice yesterday, which was something that Changbin and Jisung weren’t doing.

He slid the headphones over his ears and took a deep breath, hiding a wince. Jisung played the demo for him, and Seungmin listened. He knew that he could get this done in one or two takes.

However, he was worried that his throat wasn’t going to cooperate. He knew that it wasn’t going to cooperate, but there was a tiny flicker of hope inside of him, and he didn’t want his boyfriends to find out if it wasn’t necessary.

When the demo was over and it was his turn to sing, his chest was caving in on itself, but he forced himself to follow his breathing techniques despite the pain.

He opened his mouth. He sang the first note. Well, he tried to sing the first note; a weird, scratchy sound came out, and he coughed, clamping a hand over his lips.

“You okay?” Changbin asked, very worried. Seungmin nodded. “Are you sure? Do you need water?”

Seungmin shook his head. He dropped his hand and straightened his back, nodding that he was ready again. Jisung was skeptical, but he replayed the track anyway.

Tears burned harshly in Seungmin’s eyes, and not only from the strain on his vocal cords. He knew that this wasn’t going to go well. He knew that he was going to fail and put 3RACHA behind even further, and his boyfriends would be disappointed and stressed. He didn’t even want to think about what management would do in response.

He tried to sing again, but the sound was even more mutilated than before, and his tears started falling. He couldn’t hold them in. It hurt so much - his throat and his chest.

Changbin and Jisung both said something over the intercom, but Seungmin wasn’t listening. He was staring at the floor instead, covering his mouth again.

Suddenly, an arm was around his shoulders, and he flinched, more tears wetting his cheeks at the painful movement. It was Jeongin, who had managed to sneak into the booth. He carefully took the headphones off of Seungmin’s ears with a blank facial expression. Seungmin couldn’t read him; he couldn’t tell what Jeongin was thinking or feeling.

Jeongin slowly pulled Seungmin’s hand down. Seungmin was gasping painfully, and everyone could hear it.

“Hey,” Jeongin whispered, his eyebrows furrowing. “Breathe, hyung. It’s okay.”

It wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay.

Jeongin wrapped both arms around Seungmin’s shoulders, holding him in a loose hug. Seungmin wasn’t sure what to do; he knew that Jeongin could feel how much his body had changed, and that was nerve-wracking. Jeongin didn’t mind, simply rubbing his back.

Seungmin fell into him. He couldn’t help it; he felt more out of control than ever before, and he was terrified of what was going to happen now. He still couldn’t breathe around the pain, and Jeongin didn’t seem to understand, as he continued telling Seungmin to take deep breaths.

Seungmin had never hated Eunseo before. He thought that she was just trying to help him, and he knew that she needed someone to showcase her talent. He was fine doing that for her. But after what had just happened, he was questioning his decisions. Was it worth it to try to lose so much weight for her if it meant that he was hurting his boyfriends? Hurting himself?

In order to be an idol, he needed to sing and dance. Because of Eunseo, he was unable to sing and dance. He felt like an absolute idiot. He shouldn’t have given into her so easily and let it get this bad.

Jeongin was still talking, but Seungmin didn’t know what he was saying. He felt the maknae’s lips against the side of his head, and something about the closeness and intimacy - the reassurance and love - made him feel like he could put himself back together. Not right now, but eventually.

Right now, he felt like his music career was collapsing right underneath him. At this moment, it seemed like he would never be able to talk again, let alone sing, and he wouldn’t be able to dance because of how weak and emancipated his body was.

The question from a few days ago returned. Was he even an idol anymore? Would he be able to continue being an idol, or was it too late? Had he ruined himself beyond repair?

Had he just thrown his life and career away just because someone else didn’t like how he looked?

Chapter Text

Jisung loved Seungmin with his whole heart, just like he loved the others. That was why his heart was constantly being ripped to shreds; no matter what he tried to do for Seungmin, himself, or the others, nothing seemed to be helping.

He was glad that Chan had been taken away by management, as he told Jisung to have lunch with Seungmin. Jisung felt like he hadn’t truly seen or talked to Seungmin in a long time. He wanted to take this chance to observe him and try to be reassuring. He was pretty sure that no one had been talking to Seungmin about his eating disorder - which he also thought wasn’t a great idea - but that meant that they also weren’t talking to him about his feelings. Seungmin probably felt dejected by that - Jisung definitely would. But he and Seungmin were two very different people, so he couldn’t project himself onto the younger boy.

During lunch, he was pleasantly surprised that Seungmin spoke more than a few words to him. Chan had made it seem like Seungmin was being silent, but either the younger boy was starting to feel better, had more to talk about now, or just preferred to talk to Jisung instead.

Jisung knew that the puking incident this morning had been an accident; based on the way Seungmin had panicked and what he had said afterward, Jisung had no doubts, and neither did the others. They were just extra worried because of it. Jisung wondered if Seungmin had eaten too much too quickly, and Seungmin shrugged when asked about it, so that was probably what happened.

Seungmin accepted the bibimbap for lunch, but he didn’t eat it. Jisung came to the same conclusion and figured that Seungmin could eat something lighter for now.

However, while he held Seungmin’s hand and stared at the younger boy’s closed eyes, he felt himself tear up. He really just wanted to know how to help Seungmin; he wished he had a book full of knowledge and advice for this situation. Every person was unique, so he didn’t know what would help Seungmin and what would backfire. He didn’t want to take any chances with someone so fragile.

Jisung didn’t want Seungmin to eat because Jisung wanted him to. He knew firsthand how bad the consequences of that were. With his anxiety, it was easier to do things for other people than for himself, but then he wouldn’t really be improving. He needed to be the one who wanted himself to get better - not anyone else.

So, Seungmin didn’t eat the bibimbap, and Jisung wasn’t angry.

But Jisung wasn’t sure why Seungmin hadn’t been able to eat breakfast. Surely Changbin would have made sure himself that Seungmin ate something, no matter how small it was. Chan should have known that too. It had most likely slipped their minds, and Jisung was annoyed by that easy disregard.

He asked Changbin about that when he returned to the 3RACHA studio.

“He didn’t eat with Channie hyung?”

“No. Hyung didn’t say anything about it, I guess. Did you tell him to get food?”

Changbin shook his head. “I thought hyung knew that he needed to eat. Fuck, I’m sorry.”

He covered his eyes with his palms, and Jisung crouched in front of his chair, pulling his hands down. Changbin looked very stressed.

“We just need to communicate better, hyung. Everyone is at fault for that. We need to talk to each other even if we can’t talk to Seungmin.”

Changbin stared blankly at him for a few seconds before smiling and tugging Jisung up onto his lap, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

“I don’t understand why you’re the calmest one during all of this,” he chuckled sadly. Jisung played with the hair on Changbin’s nape, humming.

“Me neither. I just… think that Seungmin needs that. We’ve barely been talking to him, all of us, after what happened on Friday. He needs to know that we’re here and we support him.”

“He already knows that, though.”

“Does he?” Changbin froze at the question. “This has been going on for weeks, probably, and we didn’t know. And now that everyone knows, he probably needs someone, but we’re being too hesitant. I was planning on talking to everyone about that. It’s like how Jeonginnie said that Minnie needs normalcy. It’s soothing to have things under control like that. If we don’t say anything, he might think that we don’t care or don’t want to help or something.”

Changbin sighed and closed his eyes, holding Jisung tighter. “We’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to him more. He wants to be alone, but he can’t think that he’s actually alone, right? That makes sense?”

“Yeah. I agree.”

Changbin kissed Jisung’s neck a few times. Jisung kissed back and snuggled closer, taking in the comfort that he wished he could provide Seungmin.

A few minutes later, the door opened, and Chan walked in with his laptop tucked under his arm. His eyes widened when he saw Jisung.

“How’s Seungmin?”

“He’s okay, hyung. Lunch was too much food for him, so he just had a protein bar. It’s better for him to have that than to eat too much at once. That’s probably why he got sick this morning.”

Chan nodded and set his laptop down, going to the backpack he had abandoned on his chair. “The manager still wants to see me, I just have to grab my bag and one of the flash drives. He wants to see how ready we are with the new album.”

Seungmin had yet to record his lines for the last song, so they weren’t ready yet, but after today, 3RACHA would spend ample time adjusting the track and demos until it was perfect. They kept updated copies of the album on three flash drives, just in case a computer crashed or someone from management wanted to hear a sample.

“Hyung,” Changbin said before the eldest could leave, “why didn’t you and Seungmin eat at the company this morning?”

Chan’s eyebrows furrowed. “He ate at home. Didn’t he?”

“No, he felt too sick. I told him he could have something when he got here.” Chan’s face fell. “It’s my fault, hyung. I should have told you instead of assuming.”

Chan took a deep breath, shaking his head. “Don’t blame yourself. There’s a lot going on right now.”

Jisung was just relieved that they weren’t blaming each other.

Chan left again, and Jisung went to his own chair. Neither he nor Changbin actually worked, because they needed to wait for Seungmin’s recording in order to get most of their assignments done.

The next time the door opened, it was Jeongin, who had a sheepish smile on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Changbin asked with a teasing tone.

“I’m on break, so I figured I’d come here till my vocal lesson.”

“Did you eat?”

“I did, hyung. Is Seungmin hyung here yet?”

“No, he’s still at vocals,” Jisung responded. “It should only be a few more minutes.”

Jeongin nodded and plopped down on the couch with his phone. His head shot up a few seconds later.

“Oh, how was hyung’s lunch?”

Jisung told him what he had told Chan and Changbin, and the maknae nodded along, understanding.

When there was a knock on the door, they were all a little confused - Seungmin always just walked right in - and Jeongin got up to open it. Seungmin stood on the other side, and his stylist was beside him, seemingly the one who had knocked.

Jisung could immediately tell that something was off. He wasn’t sure what was telling him that, but something about Seungmin was just weird. He seemed different from how he had been at lunch.

When Seungmin walked to the booth to record, he was shaking slightly, but Jisung wasn’t sure if it was due to exhaustion, weakness, or nerves. Seungmin also wasn’t talking, which wasn’t too unexpected, but it was still concerning.

Seungmin’s voice when he sang wasn’t even a voice; it was more like nails on a chalkboard. He immediately covered his mouth, and the three outside of the booth sat up straighter.

“You okay?” Changbin asked. Seungmin nodded. “Are you sure? Do you need water?”

Seungmin shook his head and gestured that he was ready to continue, but his expression was pinched. He didn’t look good - like he was going to keel over soon.

Then Seungmin tried to sing again, and everything fell apart. Tears poured from his eyes, and quick, raspy breaths left his mouth, heard through the microphone for only a second before Seungmin’s hand came back up to block the sound.

Jeongin was the first one to jump out of his seat and rush to Seungmin’s side, followed immediately by Changbin. Jisung sat frozen, watching from his seat as Jeongin pulled Seungmin into a hug, talking gently and garnering no response whatsoever.

Jisung knew that crowding wasn’t a good idea, so he didn’t join them. He wracked his brain for an answer as to why Seungmin’s throat was so sore, why he was so upset because of it, why something had been so obviously wrong the moment he had stepped into the room.

When Jeongin started tugging Seungmin out of the booth and to the couch, Jisung realized that this was more than just being upset; this was a full-on panic attack. He sprang into action, knowing that he could understand this more than the others.

Jisung kneeled in front of where Seungmin and Jeongin were sitting, the older boy’s eyes pressed into Jeongin’s shoulder. Seungmin’s throat must have been horrible, as it sounded like he was choking. Maybe he was.

“Seungmin, can you hear me?” Jisung asked frantically. Seungmin didn’t react. He was too deep in his head, raspy cries and coughs leaving his mouth, still muffled by his palm. “C–Call Channie hyung.”

Changbin pulled his phone out and dialed the leader. Jeongin’s eyes were filling with tears, and Jisung knew that he had to hold himself together right now, even if he didn’t know how.

Seungmin’s nails were digging into his thighs like he was trying to divert the pain from his throat. Jisung easily pried his fingers off and held his hand instead, letting Seungmin hold on as hard as he could - which wasn’t very hard. Seungmin’s grip loosened within seconds, and Jisung let go; he was still awake, just not aware.

Jisung rested his hands on Seungmin’s thighs and squeezed, trying to ignore how small they were. He rubbed them up and down, hoping to ground Seungmin or capture his attention.

A few minutes passed, and Jisung tried other things without forcing Seungmin out of hiding - petting his hair, rubbing his arms and shoulders, touching his knees and feet. Nothing changed, and Seungmin’s breathing sounded just as horrifying and painful as it had when he started panicking. Jeongin was crying into Seungmin’s hair, nearly sitting on his lap, and the scene was too heartbreaking. Jisung wanted to turn around, but he couldn’t.

The door burst open, and suddenly Chan was sitting behind Seungmin, his hands hovering.

“What happened?” he asked rapidly.

“His th–throat is too sore to sing or talk or b–breathe, he’s been panicking for at least ten minutes.”

Chan looked between Jisung and Seungmin. “What do we do?”

“I don’t know, hyung!”

“Give him time,” Changbin said shakily, still standing. “This… He won’t calm down. He needs to get through it.”

“But his throat, he can’t breathe!”

“I know, Ji, but this is really bad. You know it won’t work. His airway is still open.”

Jisung could barely see anymore through the tears he had been holding in. All he could hear were Seungmin’s ragged breaths that didn’t even sound like breaths.

“He’s gonna… p–pass out,” Jeongin squeaked, lifting his head. Jisung blinked harshly, and a few tears fell, allowing him to see better. Seungmin’s weight was pressed further into the maknae’s body as he grew weaker and weaker.

No one spoke, and it was torture. Chan, Jisung, and Jeongin all tried petting Seungmin’s body, but nothing worked. Then Seungmin’s breaths were wheezy and slower as his head lolled back slightly, resting between Jeongin’s shoulder and the back of the couch while his hand dropped. His eyes were closed, but his cheeks were wet and his lips were red, the latter containing a dot of blood. He looked miserable even while unconscious.

The fear in the room didn’t disappear, but it wasn’t as intense. Jisung pressed his forehead into Seungmin’s knee and took deep breaths.

“What happened?” Chan demanded again. Changbin answered this time, now kneeling behind Jisung, his hands on the younger boy’s shoulders.

“He couldn’t sing because his throat was too sore. He didn’t speak either. When he realized he couldn’t sing, he just started crying. He couldn’t hear us at all.”

Jisung knew what that felt like - his body consumed with panic, unable to understand anything going on as blood rushed in his ears. Yet he also had no idea what that felt like, as he had never acted like Seungmin was.

“He just had a vocal lesson, right? Could he sing then?” Both boys shrugged. “His instructor didn’t mention anything?”

“We didn’t see him,” Jisung sniffled. “His stylist dropped him off after fitting him for tomorrow.”

Jisung couldn’t see Chan, but Changbin could, and he noticed the leader’s eyes darken and his lips frown further.

“Eunseo?” Chan asked quietly. Changbin nodded, practically able to see the gears turning in Chan’s head. Then Chan stood and rushed to the door.

“Hyung!” Changbin called, following him before the door could close behind him. “Sungie, stay with them.”

He didn’t wait for Jisung to respond before running after Chan. He didn’t know what Chan was doing nor why, and that freaked him out more.

Chan didn’t stop until he reached the stylists’ room, and Changbin was still confused. Chan didn’t knock before throwing the door open, and they were met with an empty room, vacant of any person.

“Hyung, what are you doing?”

Chan just entered the room and started looking around. Changbin grabbed his wrist before he could go too far.

“Hyung—”

“I told you I didn’t like her,” Chan growled, not looking at Changbin. “She wasn’t supposed to be part of his schedule.”

“What are you implying? What could she have done to him?”

“I don’t know, Changbin, but I know that something is wrong with her. You didn’t see how she acted in the meeting; she was too defensive and confusing. She isn’t new to the company, but she’s new to us. The timing of her arrival and Seungmin’s eating disorder is too perfect. It isn’t a coincidence.”

Changbin understood. He didn’t know Eunseo well at all, but she spent a lot of time with Seungmin for an unknown reason. What they had been doing together was still a mystery. Changbin wondered if that had anything to do with Seungmin’s eating disorder - which was what Chan thought - but he didn’t know how she could have hurt his throat like that or caused Seungmin to hurt it himself in such a short time frame. It didn’t sound possible.

Chan, Changbin, Jisung, and Jeongin weren’t stupid; they assumed that Seungmin had thrown up before coming to the studio. He shouldn’t have had a chance to do that if a trusted staff member had been with him. Eunseo had been with him.

Changbin was beginning to feel sick himself. He let Chan go and watched the eldest walk around the room, trying to find Eunseo’s station. When he found it, he rummaged through the clothes and items of hers. Changbin wasn’t sure what he was looking for.

“Help me,” Chan said, calling Changbin over. “Seungmin’s stuff should be here somewhere. His clothes or measurements or something.”

Changbin quickly sprang into action and sifted through the clothes on the rack, the folders on the floor, the random pieces of fabric in a crate, and the sewing supplies. Nothing had any names on it. He flipped through the folders, mostly finding outfit drawings, designs, and notes.

In the third folder, however, was a piece of lined paper with no title or name. There were many body measurements listed in chronological order. Changbin noticed that the first date was the day after their concert a few weeks ago. The most recent date was today, but it and the one before it didn’t have length measurements - just weight measurements. At the bottom of the paper was writing that was difficult to make out, but he read that there were a few deadlines and goals of certain weights. One of the deadlines was tomorrow, and its goal was fifty kilograms. Another deadline was last Friday, which was fifty-two kilograms. Last Wednesday, it was also fifty-two kilograms. Each goal was followed by a number that was slightly higher - likely the measured weight that day.

It was easy to figure out which group this person was in. Those were Stray Kids’ performance dates.

Changbin’s hands shook when he made the connection.

“H–Hyung,” he stuttered quietly. Chan’s head whipped up. “Look.”

Chan snatched the paper from Changbin’s weak grasp. Changbin’s eyes burned painfully while Chan read what he had just seen.

Chan had to make a strong effort not to crumple the paper up into a ball when his hands started squeezing into fists, anger prominent in his expression. Changbin was finding it difficult to breathe.

These must have been Eunseo’s notes about and for Seungmin. Eunseo had something important to do with this situation, and she had been right underneath their noses this whole time. They should have noticed that something was off about her sooner or made an attempt to get to know her when Seungmin started spending time with her.

Suddenly, Chan dropped the paper and shuffled toward Changbin, who was only a meter away. He wrapped his arms around the younger boy, nearly squeezing the life out of him. Neither of them spoke, but they were both sniffling and trembling. Changbin just hugged the leader back.

He knew that Chan had been dealing with too much recently between the comeback and Seungmin’s disorder affecting the whole group. He had been in and out of meetings, constantly working, and trying to be a leader, member, boyfriend, and the eldest at the same time. He was under too much pressure. Chan was either about to break right now in Changbin’s embrace, or he was still approaching the breaking point.

It seemed to be the latter scenario. Chan soon pulled back and cupped Changbin’s cheeks, pressing a firm kiss to the younger boy’s lips.

“Hyung,” Changbin whispered. Chan hummed. “We’ll be okay, I promise. I’m sorry for not listening to you yesterday.”

Chan shook his head. “It’s… none of our faults. Only—Only hers.”

Changbin nodded in agreement, although he still had his own insecurities. He could tell that Chan did as well, but he was trying to stay positive on the outside no matter how difficult it was.

They took another minute to just feel each other and calm down, then they took the paper to the manager’s office. Eunseo had likely already left for the day, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t get her fired right here, right now. They couldn’t wait any longer to disclose the evidence to management anyway.

The manager’s office was empty when they opened the door. He couldn’t have left, seeing as it was only three o’clock in the afternoon, so he must have been talking to someone else. Chan and Changbin decided to go to Seungmin’s vocal instructor instead, because that was where they would find most of the information they needed.

Thankfully, the instructor was there, simply sitting down with his phone. He looked up when they entered.

“Hey, what’s—”

“Did Eunseo take Seungmin earlier?”

He looked confused. “Yeah, to find him an outfit for tomorrow.”

“How was Seungmin’s voice? Could he sing?”

He looked very confuddled now. “He sang like he always does. He should have been ready to record. Is he not? Does he need more practice?”

Chan didn’t answer. The instructor looked at Changbin, who was a little frozen.

“Um… He… His throat is wrecked, hyungnim,” Changbin said quietly. “He couldn’t sing a note. He didn’t say anything. He was so upset for some reason, he just… had a panic attack and passed out.”

The instructor’s eyes were bugging out of his head. “He… What?”

Chan suddenly thrust his hand out, giving the paper to the instructor. “This was at Eunseo’s station in her room,” he said quietly.

The instructor read over the paper for a minute, and the other two stood in anxious silence.

“This is…”

“About Seungmin,” Changbin supplied.

He nodded. “Okay. Was Eunseo there?”

“She was gone. Probably for the day.”

“Your manager?”

“We couldn’t find him.”

“He wasn’t in the meeting room?”

Changbin glanced at Chan, who looked defeated. “Fuck, I forgot he was there. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, hyung,” Changbin murmured, rubbing Chan’s shoulder. “He might be there. We should go.”

The vocal instructor shook his head. “No, I’ll go. You boys need to rest.” Chan and Changbin stared dumbly, and he sighed. “I know this has been hard on you all, not just Seungmin. And based on what you just told me and that paper, you need a break for at least a week, if not longer. Don’t worry about the comeback right now. I’ll get you guys a car and talk to your manager myself.”

That was shocking. Neither of them were expecting to be let off the hook that easily.

“Are you sure?” Changbin asked hesitantly. He was a little apprehensive about giving the instructor the reins while talking to the manager about something so important and sensitive.

“Yes, I am. I’ll text Seungmin after I talk to the manager, but make sure he doesn’t see it. It’s meant for you. You all deserve to go home. If you want to stay in the studio for now, that’s fine, just text me with Seungmin’s phone when you want to leave.”

Changbin wished all of the staff members were like Seungmin’s vocal instructor.

Before they could leave, the instructor wanted to take a picture of the paper for when he found the manager. He allowed Changbin to take the paper with him, about which Changbin was glad; glad wasn’t the right word, but it was close enough. He wanted to keep the evidence with himself.

The practice rooms were on the way to the studio, so they went there first. Changbin kept his arm around Chan’s waist for support, and he desperately wanted to know what the leader was thinking - yet he also didn’t.

When they walked into the practice room, they saw DANCERACHA practicing one of the songs they would be performing tomorrow. They didn’t stop dancing even when they noticed the two boys walk in.

After a few seconds of them just standing at the entrance, Felix finally paused, noticing that something was wrong. He approached them and rested a hand on Chan’s arm.

“What’s up?” he asked curiously. Changbin gulped.

“We’re all meeting up in the studio. We’re going home early.”

Minho turned the music off and joined them with Hyunjin.

“What? Why?”

Changbin didn’t really know what to say. Chan was just staring at Felix’s chest, so it was Changbin’s responsibility to talk now.

“I’ll explain on the way,” he said shakily. “Just grab your things.”

None of them protested or questioned him. They took their bags and water bottles, and Minho turned everything else off, then they followed Chan and Changbin through the halls.

“Changbin-ah,” Minho said. Changbin looked at him, and the older boy just raised an eyebrow.

Changbin sighed. “Seungmin’s throat is really sore. He couldn’t sing. He… He freaked out. We’re all going home. We’ll get the week off if his vocal instructor can talk the manager into it.”

A minute passed before someone spoke.

“Why is it sore?” Hyunjin asked quietly. They already knew the answer.

“We couldn’t ask, but we’re assuming… y’know.”

“Why couldn’t you ask?”

Changbin turned to see Hyunjin. His eyes were shining, and he had his arm around Felix’s shoulders, who was biting his nails and already had a tear track on his cheek.

“He passed out. From panicking. It wasn’t dangerous, he can breathe, but…”

He trailed off, and no one said anything more. They finally reached the studio and opened the door, finding the same sight as when they had left. The only difference was that Jisung was sobbing into the couch cushion beside Seungmin’s limp knee. Jeongin was still hidden in Seungmin’s hair, and his shoulders were shaking. They couldn’t see Seungmin’s face, but it probably hadn’t changed either.

Felix immediately fell to the floor and wrapped his arms tightly around Jisung’s waist, trying to comfort both him and himself. Jisung’s breath hitched, and he held onto one of Felix’s forearms for some sort of support.

Hyunjin went to Jeongin. He rubbed the maknae’s back and hovered his other hand over Seungmin’s head, contemplating, then dropped it onto Jeongin’s shoulder instead.

Minho kneeled on Seungmin’s free side and did what all of them had been too scared and upset to do. He carefully cupped Seungmin’s cheeks to lift his head, and when he rested it back against the couch, he took a shaky breath. Seungmin seemed to be out cold, and he looked horrible.

Lightly tapping his cheekbones, Minho tried to rouse him, but stopped after only a few seconds. It was best for Seungmin to rest right now, as sleeping would definitely be difficult after he woke up and confronted the mess he had just enlightened. Instead, Minho kissed his forehead a few times, hoping to provide some comfort.

Moving Seungmin’s head also dislodged Jeongin’s face, which appeared to be red and wet. Hyunjin leaned over his shoulder and petted his cheeks, kissing his neck and trying not to cry himself.

Changbin remained standing and watched everyone. Chan was still at his side, unmoving - maybe not even breathing. Changbin couldn’t tell.

They hadn’t told the others about Eunseo yet, and Changbin wasn’t sure if they should. He was very positive that she was behind Seungmin’s eating disorder - yet he still didn’t know in what way - but he didn’t want to hurt everyone so badly, not with how upset they were right now. No one had noticed the paper in his hand, so he set it down on the desk, wanting to take just a few minutes to not think about it.

“W–What do we d–do?” Felix asked quietly and wetly. “He’s—He can’t—“

Chan suddenly walked out of the studio. Changbin considered following him, but the leader might need a minute to himself, so he stayed put, steeling himself to take care of the others.

“Help him,” Minho responded, his voice strangely monotonous. “We haven’t been. We need to. We’re being too gentle.”

“We can’t be rough,” Hyunjin argued, “he won’t like that.”

“I’m not saying to be rough. I’m saying to actually do something. We’re all beating around the bush and not talking about it.”

“He can’t trust us,” Jisung interrupted, his voice breaking. “He—He can’t talk to us. Because we don’t talk to him. About anything. I was… was telling Bin hyung earlier. About that. And… we’re not even talking to each other either, there’s miscommunication, and Minnie is so quiet, and that’s bad, ‘cause there’s no way for us to know if he’s getting better or worse or what he’s planning or—”

Felix squeezed Jisung, and the older boy shut up. He was breathing too quickly. Felix whispered in his ear while the others took in his words, trying to piece everything together and figure out what to do.

The door opened, and Changbin turned to see Chan. The eldest walked straight to Seungmin’s backpack and dug through it for his phone. It must have been dead, as he plugged it into the charger on the wall underneath the desk.

“What’s that?” Hyunjin asked quietly, his gaze locked on the paper. Changbin sighed, getting ready to answer, but Chan beat him to it this time, his voice strained.

“It’s Eunseo’s. It has measurements and notes on it. It’s definitely for Seungmin. She’s doing something to him.”

Immediately, Hyunjin and Felix were standing and going to the paper, looking at it carefully.

“You’re sure?” Felix asked shakily.

“Yeah. Look at the dates.”

Hyunjin sighed and rubbed his eyes. He took a shuddery breath.

“What do we do?”

“We wait,” Changbin said, sending Chan a look. He knew that Chan was impatient - as was he - but they didn’t have a choice right now, and he needed to make sure that Chan knew that. “Seungmin’s instructor is talking to the manager now. He’ll call or text us - well, Seungmin. That’s why we need his phone charged.”

“You can’t know for sure,” Felix whispered, always optimistic. However, Changbin couldn’t tell if he was looking for the brighter or darker side of things. Did they want everything to be Eunseo’s fault? Or did they want it to be a natural mental illness plaguing Seungmin’s mind?

“It’s likely,” Changbin settled on saying. “It… makes no sense, but it adds up. We’ll find out soon, I promise.”

Chan picked up the phone and punched in Seungmin’s passcode. After half a minute of scrolling and tapping, he sighed.

“There’s a car out back for us,” he mumbled. “He hasn’t texted in the last ten minutes. They must be talking.”

“Should we wait for more information?” Changbin asked him carefully. “Or just go home?”

Chan looked at Seungmin. Jeongin was still holding onto him, but Jisung had taken Hyunjin’s place on the couch, wiping his tears. Minho was watching the scene around him with a blank expression - probably hiding his emotions like Chan was. Changbin wondered how long both of them would last.

“Let’s just go. I want to be home when he wakes up so he can be more comfortable. We just have to… carry him out.”

If Chan hadn’t paused so suddenly, that sentence wouldn’t have had such a sharp impact on everyone’s resolve. By carrying Seungmin, they would feel how light he was. No one wanted to do that.

Minho sat up straighter and reached out to pet Jeongin’s hair. The maknae looked up at him with a pitiful sniffle, his eyes red and pained.

“Innie, baby, are you okay doing that?” he asked gently. Jeongin had been holding Seungmin for so long that it felt wrong to separate them. Jeongin nodded and looked at Seungmin, kissing the older boy’s cheek.

“Will he wake up?” Jeongin asked, his voice breaking everywhere. Minho shook his head.

“I don’t think so. If he does, though, it’ll be okay. We’re all here together.”

Jeongin nodded and took a deep, stabilizing breath. He slowly moved his arms underneath Seungmin’s shoulders and knees, focusing on the feeling of Jisung’s hand on his back and Minho’s fingers in his hair. He got up to his knees, lifted Seungmin, and stood.

He gasped and shivered, his hold tightening as Seungmin’s head landed on his shoulder.

“You okay?” Changbin whispered. Jeongin nodded.

“Y–Yeah. He’s…”

Too light. Jeongin didn’t have to say it for everyone to know. Truthfully, Seungmin was so light that Jeongin didn’t feel like he was carrying a person. He warmed up with this sort of weight while squatting at the gym, sometimes even with more.

Jisung continued rubbing Jeongin’s back as they all walked out together. Jeongin’s arms didn’t grow tired after a minute or four, which scared him. He didn’t like this.

Well, obviously he didn’t like this; no one liked this. But he hated that they had let Seungmin go this far without help. It absolutely crushed Jeongin’s heart. When Seungmin woke up, he was going to shower his youngest hyung in as much love as he could without being overbearing or rude.

Despite no longer being stuck in an endless loop of guilt, Jeongin knew that he was somewhat at fault - that everyone was. He knew that his hyungs knew that too. But he also knew that Minho was right; they did what they could without overstepping.

Jeongin still would have preferred overstepping instead of this.

Getting into the van was tricky. Jeongin carefully transferred Seungmin into Felix’s arms, who just happened to be sitting in the middle seat of the middle row. Minho was in the passenger seat, Hyunjin was on Felix’s other side, and Chan, Changbin, and Jisung were in the back row. Seungmin’s legs landed on Jeongin’s lap when the maknae closed the door, taking a deep breath.

Felix hooked Jeongin’s elbow with his own while his other arm surrounded Seungmin, keeping the younger boy’s hands in his lap to stay comfortable. Hyunjin’s long arm extended across the length of the seat, coming to a stop on Jeongin’s nape, squeezing just slightly. Jeongin met his eyes over Felix’s head, and he smiled. Jeongin smiled back.

Most of them were silent, their heads caught up in stress and sadness, but Chan and Changbin weren’t. Chan’s eyes were glued to his phone, and Changbin quickly caught on and looked as well.

“Anything?” he whispered. Chan sighed.

“He’s been typing for a minute now. I don’t know.”

Jisung rested his cheek on Chan’s shoulder. “Who?”

“Seungmin’s instructor. He’s with the manager, talking about Eunseo.”

It was quiet for a while, the steady sound of tires on asphalt filling the van. Then Chan lifted his phone closer to his face, grabbing the younger rappers’ attention.

“They’ll meet with Eunseo tomorrow morning. She didn’t answer her phone when they called, and they don’t want to bother her outside of work. He said I can go.”

“I’m going too,” Changbin interjected immediately. Not only did he want to see what Chan had been talking about - Eunseo being suspicious and defensive - but he didn’t want Chan to be alone. Not when Chan was close to breaking - either into tears or rage.

“And me,” Jisung added. Chan shook his head.

“You should rest, both of you. All of you. I can handle it.”

Changbin took a deep breath to calm his frustration. “Hyung, it doesn’t matter if you can handle it or not. We want to be there with you. We want to be there for Seungmin. This is about all eight of us. We’ll come with you, and the others can stay back.”

Chan nodded in defeat - probably too tired to start an argument.

“Okay. He… He also said that the manager doesn’t believe us. He likes Eunseo. I don’t know what we’re gonna do if he takes her side.”

“Do you think she can win? Is there anything she can say that makes any of this not have to do with her?”

Chan shrugged, turning his phone off. “I don’t know, Bin. I don’t know.”

He sounded so upset that Changbin’s heart was breaking. He held the leader’s hand and rested his head on his shoulder, he and Jisung warming him up from both sides. Chan’s chin fell on his head, and Changbin pressed a quick kiss to Chan’s shoulder before resting again, playing with Chan’s fingers.

Thankfully, the driver still hadn’t spoken to them by the time they arrived at the dorm. When they got out of the car, Felix continued holding Seungmin while Jeongin helped him climb out. Everyone else followed, and Hyunjin quickly thanked the driver before they disappeared into the dorm building.

Ten seconds into the journey through the building, tears started falling down Felix’s cheeks again, and with his hands occupied, he couldn’t hide nor wipe them. He was one of the weakest members alongside Hyunjin and Seungmin, yet he had no problem carrying his full-grown boyfriend.

He was a little surprised - and concerned - that Seungmin wasn’t waking up. He definitely wasn’t the lightest sleeper of the group, but he also wasn’t the deepest. This much jostling should have jolted him awake. He must have been exhausted, mentally or physically - or both.

Knowing that, Felix brought Seungmin straight to his bed where he could be comfortable. Jeongin pulled the blanket back for him, then they covered Seungmin up from chin to toe.

Felix finally wiped his cheeks, and an arm wrapped around his shoulders, followed by lips pressing against his temple.

“We’ll be okay,” Minho whispered into his ear. Felix nodded shakily. Hyunjin was comforting Jeongin in the same way, and the maknae turned around to hide in the older boy’s embrace. Jeongin rarely showed vulnerability like this, so the sight spurred on more of Felix’s own tears. He didn’t know how Minho and Hyunjin were so much calmer, but he was grateful for them.

Minho started tugging Felix out of the room, and Hyunjin and Jeongin followed. Felix took one more fleeting glance at Seungmin, who was still sleeping soundly, before the door closed, separating them from him.

“What are you doing?” Minho asked suddenly. Felix turned and saw Chan, Changbin, and Jisung huddled together in the entryway. They looked over.

“Nothing,” Chan said immediately - obviously wanting to keep their plans under wraps. Changbin had no such qualms.

“We’re meeting with the manager and Eunseo in the morning to talk about the paper. Only the three of us are going so you guys can keep an eye on Seungmin. And we aren’t working at all tomorrow, so don’t worry about waking up or going to bed early or anything.”

It was obvious that everyone wanted to go to the meeting, but they also wanted to be with Seungmin, so no one argued.

For the next hour, everything was tense. No one entered Seungmin’s room in fear of waking him up; not only did he need rest, but they were all scared of what might happen when he woke up. Would he panic again? Would he pretend like nothing was wrong? Would the others be unable to hold themselves together while listening to or looking at him? None of them could even consider that. They needed to be mentally stable so that Seungmin didn’t have to be - and Chan as well. They could all see that Chan was wearing himself down more than anyone else.

They were all sitting in the living room, spread out on the couch and floor. A movie was playing quietly on the television, not so loud that they couldn’t hear any noise from down the hallway but loud enough to provide the slightest distraction - even if no one was paying attention to it.

Hours passed, and few words were exchanged. The serene, melancholy mood was disrupted when Chan suddenly sat up, staring deeply into his phone. Then he stood.

“The meeting was moved to tonight. Eunseo answered the texts. We’re going in half an hour.”

Everyone was alert, no longer stuck in their heads.

“What did she say?” Hyunjin asked quickly, tightening his hold around Jeongin.

“That… she’s sorry for not answering, she’s available now, and she doesn’t know what the meeting is about.”

“How much do you wanna bet that she’s lying?” Minho asked, curious and concerned.

“A lot,” Chan replied simply. He walked toward the hallway. “I’m going now.”

Changbin and Jisung were immediately at his heels. They followed the leader to Seungmin’s bedroom, where he opened the door, checked on the sleeping boy, and closed it. Then he returned to the living room and went to the front door. Changbin snagged the paper from the coffee table on the way, making sure that they didn’t forget it; that would be bad.

As Changbin turned around, Jeongin stood.

“Can I come?” he asked quietly. His voice was small and nervous, and his eyes were pink - similar to Jisung’s and Felix’s states. Yet Changbin knew that Jeongin needed clarification more than anyone else. He needed to know what caused Seungmin’s eating disorder and why they were unable to help him. So, without consulting Chan, Changbin nodded, holding out his hand.

“Yeah. Come on, Innie.” Jeongin quickly stepped forward and took the offered hand. Changbin kissed his cheek, then addressed the others. “We’ll update you all when something happens. Call me if you need help with anything. Someone should sleep in Seungmin’s room, or all of you, but don’t wake him up.”

He could tell that they wouldn’t be awake for much longer, and they would probably be sleeping when they returned home from the meeting. Everyone nodded, and Changbin gave them a reassuring smile before leaving the dorm, taking the maknae with him.

Surprisingly, Chan and Jisung waited for them at the end of the hall and didn’t mention Jeongin’s accompaniment. Changbin heard Jeongin’s shallow, heavy breaths and wondered if it was truly okay for him to go with them, but he wanted to trust Jeongin’s judgment.

Chan drove them to the company. He didn’t speak, but that didn’t stop Jisung from reading the texts in the eldest’s phone and talking to the two in the back seat.

“How should we approach this?” he asked anxiously, always the one to think too much about how they handle a situation.

“Let the manager lead,” Changbin suggested. “He’s like the middle man here. I know he seems to be taking her side, but if we get on his nerves, he won’t give us a chance. So we’ll wait for him to start, answer his questions, and ask our own. Don’t lose your cool.”

He looked through the rearview mirror just in time to see Chan look back at him and quickly avert his gaze. Changbin sighed; he already knew that Chan was going to lose his cool if things didn’t go well.

When they arrived at the conference room, everyone was jittery and nervous. It was ten p.m., so they were all tired, but they had no time or will to sleep.

A minute passed, so Changbin was the brave one. He knocked on the door and opened it upon hearing a welcome. Inside was their manager, sitting at the head of the table, Seungmin’s vocal instructor, and Eunseo, both sitting on either side of the manager. The manager looked stern, the vocal instructor looked worried, and Eunseo looked downright hurt, like she had been offended in some way. They had probably shown her the photo of the paper already. Changbin had no idea what she was thinking.

“Have a seat, boys,” the manager said, gesturing to the rest of the table, not questioning the three extra members. All four of them sat on the side with the vocal instructor, and Changbin side-eyed Eunseo as she quickly wiped a tear from her cheek. Why was she crying? “I am going to start off by saying that I am disappointed. You all left work early today without consulting me. Jaehyung permitted you to leave, but he is not your manager. I am. Next time, talk to me first.”

Chan opened his mouth, likely to argue that they didn’t know where the manager was, but then he closed it, remembering Changbin’s words in the car.

“Now, I understand that there is a lot of miscommunication going on here, so we’re going to settle it right now. Chan, can you tell us why we’re having this meeting?”

Changbin, sitting beside Chan, heard the leader gulp.

“Seungmin,” he said. “Something else is going on with him. Not just his eating issues.”

“Elaborate.”

Chan glanced at Eunseo, whose eyes were noticeably puffy, then back at the manager. He took a deep breath.

“We know that Eunseo-ssi is doing something to him. You saw the paper we found.”

Eunseo sniffled - somewhat pathetically - and Changbin’s heart clenched. He was confused. Was she crying because she knew she was in trouble? But then why did the manager sound so frustrated toward the group instead of her?

“The paper you stole,” the manager corrected. “You went through her personal things. Privacy is very important in this industry. You of all people should know that, as idols.”

“Sir, you don’t understand,” Chan insisted, sitting forward. “We had a reason. The timing of everything is too perfect for it to be a coincidence. From the moment she entered Seungmin’s life, everything went downhill. Tell me you can’t see that.”

Eunseo lowered her head and covered her face with her hand, gasping wetly, and the manager’s expression hardened.

“Chan, I have known Eunseo for years. You haven’t. She is a good person. She has worked with our other idols without any issues whatsoever. This has nothing to do with her.”

Gritting his teeth, Chan grabbed the paper from Changbin’s lap and slammed it down on the table in front of the manager, making both him and Eunseo flinch.

“Look at the dates. Those are our performance dates and Seungmin’s measurements.”

The manager sighed, having already seen the paper, but Eunseo leaned forward to get a better look. Her eyes widened, and she quickly took the paper and hid it below the table. Maybe she hadn’t seen it yet.

For a moment, Changbin thought that it was over. She couldn’t defend herself now. But her expression grew even more distraught.

“They’re mine,” she choked out, tears falling again. “They’re—They’re mine.”

Changbin recoiled, and Chan did the same.

They were her measurements?

The manager glared at Chan. “Do you see what you’re doing? You went digging where you weren’t supposed to and found something personal. I can’t believe you are this insensitive.”

Chan shook his head, trying to save face, but it was obvious that he was conflicted and unsure about his own claims.

“But… the dates—”

“Are a coincidence. Not everything is about your group. She has a life of her own, and she can do whatever she wants in her spare time.”

Changbin’s resolve was wavering. He wasn’t sure if Eunseo was at fault anymore. She looked so upset that he felt bad. They were the ones who made her feel like that. Did she deserve it? Based on new facts, she didn’t.

Thinking about it, it made sense. The measurements listed could easily match Eunseo’s figure, and she wouldn’t be considered severely underweight - a little underweight, but not by too much.

“Hyung,” Changbin whispered. Chan looked at him, and Changbin spoke to the manager. “Hyungnim, I’m sorry to put you through this. But we care about Seungmin, and we want to help him, even if that means questioning our close relationships. Don’t you think it’s possible that… Eunseo noona had something to do with this?”

Changbin winced as he spoke, feeling bad that he was speaking as if Eunseo wasn’t even there. He hoped that his polite tone would get through to the manager more than Chan’s angry one.

It didn’t.

“No, I don’t. You are overthinking this. Seungmin has an eating disorder, that’s that. There doesn’t have to be an obvious reason. If you’re this paranoid about it, try asking him yourself.”

“We can’t,” Jisung spoke up quietly. He was on Changbin’s other side, holding Jeongin’s sweaty hand. “Hyungnim, Seungmin passed out from a panic attack today because his throat was too wrecked to sing. He was fine during his vocal lesson, then he met with Eunseo-ssi, then he came to record, and he wasn’t fine. All we can think of is something happening while he was with her.”

The manager looked at the vocal instructor first, who cleared his throat.

“That’s true. He sang perfectly for me. Eunseo borrowed him to fit clothes between schedules. Then Chan and Changbin came to my studio later with the paper. That’s all I know.”

The manager sighed and looked at Eunseo. “What did you do with Seungmin, then?”

He sounded bored, like he knew that this wasn’t going to work out in Stray Kids’ favor.

Eunseo sniffled, calmer than she was earlier. “Fitting. Then on the way to 3RACHA’s studio, he had to go to the bathroom, so I waited for him. He didn’t speak after that. Maybe that’s when something happened? I’m sorry, I truly am. I couldn’t go into the men’s room. Was I… Was I supposed to go with him?”

The manager answered quickly. “No, you weren’t. You did the right thing.”

Changbin’s heart dropped, and he had no doubt that the others felt any better.

They hadn’t considered the possibility that Eunseo, being the opposite gender, couldn’t be with Seungmin constantly. He needed to have a schedule with her, so they couldn’t work around the roadblock.

The bathrooms near the stylists’ room were for single occupants, so the door would have blocked any sound from inside of the room. Eunseo couldn’t be at fault if she had no idea what was happening at the time. No wonder she was so upset right now. Being wrongfully accused of something so harsh was bound to make someone feel horrible.

Everyone went silent. Chan stared at his lap, Changbin focused on breathing, Jisung bit his lip, and Jeongin continued bouncing his knee. Seungmin’s vocal instructor, Jaehyung, was leaning back in his chair with his eyes closed, looking thoroughly exhausted and stressed. The manager was glaring at the four boys, daring them to continue with their allegations.

Eunseo looked like she was trying not to break down. Changbin couldn’t handle this - the guilt, the pain, the overall fear for Seungmin, Eunseo, and the whole group. He stood and bowed deeply.

“We’re sorry, hyungnims and noona. We let our minds get the best of us. It was wrong of us to put blame on someone else just because we were hurting and looking for a reason. This won’t happen again, I promise.”

Jisung and Jeongin followed his lead, but it took Chan an extra few seconds to do so. They remained bowing until the manager sighed and told them to sit back down.

“Thank you for the apology. I’m going to let you go home now, but I am expecting all of you to show up to your schedules in the morning.”

Eunseo took a deep, shaky breath, her cheeks now containing dry tear tracks. “I’m… I’m shocked. I didn’t expect this from you. Seungmin is a sweet boy, it’s surprising to see the rest of you like this.”

That sounded like a pure insult to the group, but after what they had just done to her, Changbin believed she was justified.

“We’re sorry, noona,” Jeongin said quietly. Changbin hadn’t been expecting to hear his voice during the meeting, but he supposed it meant that Jeongin was feeling very guilty despite not being the one to straightforwardly blame Eunseo for anything.

Eunseo just nodded in response. Neither she nor the manager had forgiven them, but Changbin didn’t want them to.

The four of them walked out of the room on shaky legs with Jaehyung following behind them. They all stopped outside of the closed door and looked at each other.

“I’m sorry, boys,” Jaehyung sighed. “I was hoping to get you some time off.”

Chan shook his head defeatedly. “Don’t apologize. Thank you for trying.”

“I’m supposed to see Seungmin for a couple of hours again tomorrow. I won’t make him sing, I’ll make him relax and try to help with his throat if I can.”

All four of them deflated slightly.

“Thank you so much,” Jisung sighed, closing his eyes, fatigued. “We really appreciate you, hyung.”

Jaehyung waved him off. “There’s no need to thank me. I’m just doing my job.”

Changbin wished that the manager could do his job - take care of the idols he was in charge of. He wasn’t doing a very good job.

“Go on and get some rest,” Jaehyung smiled. “Tomorrow will be—”

He was interrupted by Changbin’s phone ringing. The boy immediately pulled it out of his pocket, and he got a sudden hot flash when Hyunjin’s name appeared. They had been gone for less than an hour. Did something go wrong already?

Worried, he answered the call and put it on speaker.

“Hyunjin?”

The voice that responded had nothing like Hyunjin’s usual, cheerful inflection.

”Hyung, you need to get home, right now.”

Chapter Text

Seungmin wasn’t even awake yet when he started coughing. It hurt enough to bring sharp tears to his eyes, but he couldn’t stop. He was startled by a hand on his shoulder, and his flinch only worsened his condition.

He had no idea what was happening, but he knew that something was terribly wrong. He heard panicked voices that he couldn’t understand, and the mattress he was on continued to shake as people moved too much.

Distantly, Seungmin recognized the feeling of something being ejected from his throat, and although it wasn’t something that came from his stomach this time, his abdomen was cramping. He wasn’t throwing up. So why did he feel like he was, and why did it hurt so much?

He could barely feel the hands on him, fruitlessly trying to comfort him. A finger swiped over his cheek, and he assumed he was crying. Some sort of tissue was dabbing his lips like he had crumbs on his face. He kept his eyes squeezed tightly shut - both so that he could pretend that this wasn’t happening and so that he could attempt to hide.

New hands appeared on his shoulders and sat him up. Suddenly, everything was so real. The blood rushing in his ears died down, and he heard the voices more clearly. The pain in his throat was all-consuming. This was definitely not just a sore throat.

The people around him were talking about Chan, a hospital, the company, and asking so many questions about what they should do and what was happening. Seungmin was being held in a back hug, and he couldn’t lean into it even if he wanted to, because his body convulsed forward with each hack.

The person behind him began rubbing his chest and whispering into his ear.

“Take deep breaths. Breathe through it, you’ll be okay. Just breathe.”

How was he supposed to breathe when he felt like his guts were about to be forcefully stabbed out of his body?

“From puking?”

“It has to be.”

“Was it…”

Those two short sentences were enough to send Seungmin’s mind reeling. In his attempt to breathe, he had forgotten about everything that had been going on for the past few weeks. The reason he was coughing so much was that his throat was sore from spewing his guts so many times this past month, and so many times just today. He couldn’t even sing anymore.

If he couldn’t do his job, why was he here? He shouldn’t be in the group if he couldn’t sing or dance. He knew that, and he knew that he could get his voice and strength back, but it felt like an impossible goal that he was meant to pursue for years only to waste his life doing so.

Swallowing harshly and choking on a cough, he yanked himself out of the person’s arms and fell right over the edge of the bed. The impact of his knees hitting the floor paused his coughing for a few moments, giving him enough time to open his eyes and stagger up to his feet. His vision swam and his consciousness waned as he wobbled, but he managed to stay upright.

The first thing he saw was Hyunjin standing in front of him with wide, panicked eyes. Beside him was Felix, who was crying. Minho was kneeling on the bed behind Seungmin.

And the door was right there.

Seungmin bolted for it - well, attempted to bolt for it. He walked as quickly as he could, and he was surprised that no one stopped him. Once he made it to the hallway, a small hand landed on his bicep, its grip tight enough to restrain him but not tight enough to hurt.

He pointedly didn’t think about the fact that their fingertips nearly touched their thumb.

“Seungmin, wait,” Felix called out, his voice high-toned and shaky. Seungmin tried to get out of his hold, but he was too weak. He must have been standing still for too long - although it was only a few seconds - as his legs gave out, and he was suddenly sitting curled up on the floor, coughing into his own hands.

Someone - presumably Felix - kneeled in front of him and gently rubbed his shoulders.

“I’m calling Changbin,” Hyunjin said from the bedroom. Seungmin barely heard him over the blood returning to his ears - and the blood he noticed on his palms.

No wonder they were so upset. Seungmin was coughing up blood. He had puked a little blood before, but he hadn’t thought much of it nor had any time to process it. He wondered if it was a big deal.

However, right now his mind was stuck on Hyunjin’s words. He was calling Changbin. There was a very high chance that the members of 3RACHA were together, because none of them were here. If Chan knew that Seungmin was this fucked up, he was going to be terribly angry. An “eating disorder” was one thing, but being unable to speak was another. He had disappointed Chan enough already; did they really need to involve him in this too?

Seungmin opened his mouth wider, wanting to tell Hyunjin to stop and not call Changbin, but no sound came out - only another harsh cough. More tears spilled from his eyes.

All this time, he had been trying his best to please the people around him, but he had failed in seemingly every way possible. He had no way to come back from this. Even if he became no longer a shattered mess, he was going to do something wrong and ruin his members’ lives again. He didn’t think he had another fate.

So, he just continued crying and coughing, wanting the earth to swallow him whole; that suffocating feeling would probably feel better than whatever this was.

Minutes later, the coughing had ceased, as well as his silent sobs. Tears streamed down his cheeks in smooth patterns, but he remained hidden and didn’t allow anyone to see. He almost felt numb due to how overwhelmed his brain was. It was easier to just empty his mind and try not to exist for a while.

Eventually, of course, someone tried to talk to him again, and he had to listen, because there were no other sounds.

“Seungmin-ah, can you look at me?” He didn’t respond. “Baby, please. We want to help you. We want to make you feel better.”

That wasn’t possible. The only way for him to feel better was for him to do something right - or for someone to have a magical concoction that could soothe his throat in an instant. That was all he wanted right now.

“Chan hyung is on his way. Your hyung always makes things better, right?”

No. Seungmin’s throat spasmed painfully as an inaudible sob tore through him. Chan did not make things better. Seungmin used to believe that Chan could fix anything, but that wasn’t true anymore. No one - not even their leader - could fix the mess that Seungmin had created for himself and the whole group.

“Shh, okay. Do you not want to see Chan?”

Seungmin wanted to shake his head, but he also didn’t. The others clearly didn’t know that Chan was disappointed in him, and if they found out, there was a good chance that they would become disappointed as well - if they weren’t already. Minho and Changbin probably were, at least. Seungmin couldn’t lose all seven of his boyfriends like that.

He settled on not answering, and it was silent for a minute. Panic was slowly filling him again. The silence could mean that they were angry or upset, or it could mean that they were busy doing something else. Seungmin couldn’t bring himself to look up and find out. And Chan was on his way - most likely from the company.

Seungmin was scared - of all of the possibilities, of what he knew was coming, of his future. He wasn’t even thinking about Eunseo right now, because now that he had messed up so badly, he more so wanted to please his boyfriends. They would always come first, and he wished he had thought like that sooner.

No one was touching him anymore, for which he was grateful. He had barely felt their touches earlier, and now that he was more aware, he was worried that he would get even more overwhelmed by their contact.

The front door opened, and his panic was filled to the brim. The quick breaths he was taking sounded like wheezes, but he wasn’t sure if anyone else could hear them. He let out one more cough, and something wet landed on his tongue. He simply swallowed it back down.

“Seungmin?”

The voice was soft, but it was the leader’s voice, so Seungmin flinched away. His body was a little sore, and the pain made him even more uncomfortable.

“Hyung, let me.”

There was a hand in his hair, and he tensed, because he didn’t want Chan of all people to be touching him right now, but it wasn’t Chan.

“Seungmin, baby, we’re okay. You’re okay.”

It was Jisung. If Seungmin could be around any one of his boyfriends right now, it would be Jisung. Jisung hadn’t said that he was disappointed; he had said the opposite when no one else had. Although they were all frustrated with him, Seungmin thought that the one who was the least frustrated was Jisung. He didn’t fight the touch and realized that it helped him calm down just slightly.

“Can you look up at me, please?” Seungmin couldn’t, so he remained still. “That’s okay, I won’t force you. It’s your decision.”

Another thing about Jisung was that he was very set on Seungmin making his own choices and doing things for himself. Jisung hadn’t forced him to eat bibimbap for lunch, and rather he made sure that Seungmin ate something he was okay with eating, even though it was very small. Jisung was different from the others.

“Are you sure this is okay?” someone asked quietly in the background.

“Yeah. I’ve had it before, but… not this severely. He needs to see a doctor when he’s calmer.”

Seungmin definitely did not want to see a doctor. He didn’t want to see a doctor ever again, especially when he didn’t know what they were referring to. His eating problems or body? His throat or voice? One of his boyfriends had had whatever it was before. Seungmin didn’t know what that meant.

“Minnie, does your throat hurt?”

Finally, an easy and normal question. Seungmin nodded to the best of his ability, and Jisung sighed.

“You’re… You’re coughing up blood, baby. It doesn’t seem too bad, but we need to take care of it so your voice can heal. We don’t have to talk about anything yet, but can we go see a doctor? Or just the company nurse?”

Seungmin’s first thought was that Jisung’s top priority was his voice returning. That made sense, of course, as they were idols, but Seungmin could tell that it would take a long time - so long that he wouldn’t get back to his previous level for weeks or months.

It suddenly hit him that the comeback was going to be announced in one week. There was no way that he was going to be able to sing his part. Jisung should do it instead. Seungmin would have told him that if he wasn’t so hurt and scared.

“Please, Minnie?” Jisung asked softly. Seungmin sucked in a painful breath.

In the end, he nodded. He had no other option, and this would make his boyfriends the happiest - that, and he felt really bad. He wanted to be able to talk and sing again.

Nonetheless, he didn’t want to lift his head - to see his boyfriends and what they were thinking and feeling. As Jisung gently coaxed him up to his feet, he kept his eyes trained on the floor, blinking away the sharp moisture. Jisung held his elbows, a steadying presence alongside Seungmin’s faltering composure.

“What did the nurse say?” Jisung asked someone else.

“He needs to go to the ER to be safe,” Minho responded.

Seungmin heard a sigh, then Jisung shifted from one foot to the other and sniffled. Seungmin wanted to pull away from the older boy’s grasp, but he couldn’t. He had never meant to hurt Jisung this much - nor the others.

“Can we go there, Minnie?” Jisung whispered. “We… We can take a little time if you want.”

Seungmin didn’t want to go to the hospital, but the others did. So he nodded, utilizing the oncoming numbness to get through the mental and physical pain of walking with his boyfriends, taking small steps, and trying not to look anywhere other than his shoes. His neck hurt, but that wasn’t a big deal at this point.

He wasn’t quite sure where they were going - to a company car or a member’s car. He didn’t care enough to find out. When they made it to the vehicle, Jisung had him sit in the middle row by the window, not forcing him to be surrounded. Seungmin still didn’t look up.

During the car ride, he couldn’t hold back a few coughs. One of his harsh hacks resulted in a small amount of blood on his palm, which Jisung was immediately wiping with a tissue he had brought.

Seungmin’s chest tightened and shook. He felt so broken and helpless. He didn’t know if he was ever going to recover from this - whatever this was.

He still wasn’t sure what was wrong with him, internally and externally. He knew that he had been losing weight recently, yet he still wasn’t losing enough; and now he wasn’t allowed to lose any more. He knew that he hadn’t been eating well. He knew that puking must have had more of an impact on his physical health than he had thought.

But he didn’t have an eating disorder. No matter what Jiho, his boyfriends, or the doctor told him, he knew that he didn’t have one. They just didn’t understand. Eunseo did.

Seungmin was going to have to see her soon for one reason or another, whether she found him or he found her. She definitely had critiques and advice for him. She must have known by now that Seungmin had passed out again, but she probably didn’t know that it had something to do with what she had made him do in the bathroom. Knowing her, she likely thought that Seungmin was just weak and unable to handle life as an idol.

Seungmin sort of felt the same way. He also thought that Chan felt that way. The leader didn’t deserve someone like Seungmin dragging both their group and their relationship down. At this point, Seungmin felt like nothing but a burden on the people around him.

He was soon being pulled out of the car. He felt lightheaded when he stepped out, and Jisung never let go, walking with him into the building. Seungmin assumed that the others were right there with them.

The next fifteen minutes were a blur. They entered the building, a mask was slipped onto Seungmin’s face, then they walked through the hallway until they arrived at a vacant room. Jisung again pushed him to sit down on one of the two chairs next to the counter. Seungmin saw the exam table and wondered if he was supposed to be there. He didn’t want to be.

Everyone was crowded into the small room, standing around the perimeter. Jisung sat beside Seungmin, gently rubbing his upper back. The touch felt a little foreign and wrong, but Seungmin didn’t have the strength or energy to complain or move away.

When the door opened, Seungmin finally looked up. He locked eyes with the doctor and froze.

It was the same doctor he had had last time.

“Hello, boys,” he greeted warmly, his voice muffled in Seungmin’s ears. “What seems to be the issue today?”

Today, like Seungmin had issues every day. He didn’t.

“Seungmin’s throat is really sore,” Minho responded, the most confident and knowledgeable, “and he’s coughing up a little blood.”

The doctor hummed and sat in his rolling stool, not minding the multitude of people in such a small space. It was safer for them inside of the room, away from the public’s prying eyes.

“Is he sick?”

Seungmin hated the lilt in the man’s voice. He clearly knew that Seungmin was not sick - at least, not ill. He thought that Seungmin was sick in a different way, though.

“No, he isn’t.” Minho’s voice took on a sad, hesitant tone. Seungmin looked back down at his knees before he could accidentally make eye contact with anyone. “It started today. I think.”

Minho was clearly unsure about that, but it was true. Seungmin hadn’t puked or coughed up blood before today.

The doctor sighed. “Well, we’ll have to take a look in his throat to make sure it isn’t anything serious. It could be a small Mallory-Weiss tear that can heal on its own, or it might be something he needs medication for.”

Everyone nodded.

“Is there some kind of procedure for that?” Hyunjin asked quietly.

The doctor nodded. “It’s called an upper endoscopy. It involves inserting a thin tube with a camera on the end through his mouth and down his throat. The endoscope shows us images of his upper digestive tract. We might be able to do that right now, unless you would rather come back tomorrow.”

No one answered. They glanced at Seungmin, who didn’t look back, then at each other.

“Now is probably best,” Chan said.

Seungmin tensed at his voice, his brain going in ten different directions. Chan didn’t care if Seungmin wanted to do this right now or not; he just wanted Seungmin to be healed as soon as possible so they could get the recording done and have the comeback. Seungmin wasn’t up to Chan’s standards, but he wasn’t sure if he ever would be.

“Have you eaten or drunk anything in the last six hours?”

It took Seungmin a few seconds to realize that a question was finally directed at him. He didn’t look up and shook his head without thinking. Anything he might have eaten or drunk was out of his body by now, but he hadn’t consumed anything since his miniature lunch anyway.

“Okay. Are you on any medication right now?” He shook his head again, starting to fidget with his fingers. “Someone else will have to perform the procedure. It can be done in here. Here’s a hospital gown for you to put on while we get things ready.”

The doctor went on to explain how the procedure worked and what they were going to do, but Seungmin didn’t hear any of it. He had to wear a hospital gown. That would show too much skin, too much figure. He couldn’t.

It wasn’t until he heard the distant sound of the door shutting that he saw Changbin holding the gown out toward him. It was right in Seungmin’s face like an unwanted tease. He shook his head, his throat tightening painfully as anxiety washed over him in strong waves.

Changbin crouched, so Seungmin lowered his head more. He hadn’t been expecting two fingers to carefully lift his chin, forcing him to make eye contact. His breath hitched seeing Changbin’s shiny, sad eyes.

“We can leave the room while you change if you want,” he whispered. “I know it hurts, that’s why we’re doing this. So you can feel better. I know it isn’t ideal, but it won’t take long. About twenty minutes, remember?”

Seungmin didn’t remember, because he hadn’t been paying attention. Changbin noticed, so he restated everything the doctor had said. Seungmin hadn’t realized that he would be administered a pain reliever and mild sedative through an IV, have an anesthetic at the back of his throat, and have a mouthpiece in his mouth. All of that sounded scary, not to mention the tube that would be going deep down his throat.

Then Changbin said that Seungmin had to stay in a recovery room for an hour afterwards for observation. Seungmin was exhausted as it was; he knew that he wouldn’t be able to stay awake for that long.

After three minutes of mentally debating, Seungmin decided that his boyfriends could stay in the room while he changed. It was a terrifying reality, but he was worried that being alone would be worse right now. He would either fall from how unstable he was or get so lost in his head that he would take too long and get overwhelmed.

As Changbin stood, he kissed the top of Seungmin’s head, gently cradling his cheek as he did so. It felt both familiar and foreign, like Seungmin had received that affection a million times before but not in a long time. It was something he almost craved but was smart enough to ignore.

His boyfriends were courteous enough to turn around and give him space, but he still took his time. The anxiety was growing rapidly, too quickly for him to be okay with.

Hastily, he yanked his top off, lifting his hips to remove his pants as well. He shoved his arms through the sleeves of the gown with too much force, trying to lace the back of his neck as quickly as he could. His hands fumbled a few times before he managed to tie it off.

However, he couldn’t reach the one behind his back. He was too shaky to hold onto the strings and too weak to bring them together. Fear was hitting him full force, because just looking down at his legs made him cringe. Why did he look so disgusting? He didn’t want his boyfriends to see that.

His shallow, raspy breaths must have been too loud, as Jeongin slightly turned his head and asked, “You okay?”

He knew that Seungmin couldn’t answer, but he was clearly hoping for some sort of response. The answer was no, but Seungmin didn’t want to say that, so he just pushed out another breath.

Jeongin moved, and panic attacked Seungmin so hard he pressed his back into the chair and held his breath, but the maknae only stepped to the side to reach the folded blanket resting on the counter. He held it out for Seungmin without turning around, and Seungmin was shocked. He took the blanket, holding on as tightly as he could so that it wouldn’t slip out of his grasp. Once he had it tucked over his shoulders, covering him from neck to ankle, he felt a little better. But he still had another knot to tie.

A knock on the door startled him. It opened a moment later, and a different man poked his head in with a smile, which morphed into an O-shape when he saw eight people.

“Oh, I didn’t realize there would be so many people here,” he chuckled. He walked in, a small cart rolling in front of him. “Some of you might have to step out if it gets a bit crowded in here. It ultimately depends on how Seungmin feels.”

Seungmin gasped slightly when he heard his name coming from an absolute stranger’s mouth, who was speaking as if he wasn’t there. He supposed that because he was unable to speak, there was no point in talking to him. He hated the reminder.

The doctor introduced himself and re-explained the procedure, but Seungmin didn’t want to hear it. His boyfriends still weren’t looking at him, keeping their backs mostly turned, and he wasn’t sure why. Because they wanted to be courteous? Or because they didn’t want to see his body - due to disgust or fear?

Seungmin shook his head slightly to clear his mind, accidentally catching the doctor’s attention.

“Are you ready?” he asked. Seungmin gulped, wincing, and shook his head. “Do you need a few more minutes?”

Hesitantly, Seungmin shook his head again. He couldn’t stall forever; he just needed to get his gown tied. He reached back to find the strings, and realization dawned on the doctor.

“Would you like me to help you? Or one of your friends here?” He gestured toward the other seven boys, then took a step closer to Seungmin, who froze in panic. He did not want an unknown man to be that close to him - to his body - and he didn’t want his boyfriends to be either.

The doctor held his hands up placatingly and stepped back. “You can do it yourself if you want, take your time.”

Seungmin felt awkward. The doctor returned to his cart to set things up, and the others were standing perpendicular to Seungmin, still not looking at him. That only made him more nervous.

During another minute of Seungmin struggling, the blanket kept slipping off of his shoulders, and he continuously fought to keep it up, feeling unsafe without the cover. His boyfriends were glancing at him but not intervening.

Eventually, he heard a deep sigh. Felix suddenly turned around and walked toward him with slow steps, crouching in front of Seungmin’s knees. He held the top hem of the blanket, and Seungmin stopped breathing, but Felix simply held it up for him.

The expression on his face was kind, but Seungmin wondered what it really meant - what its underlying purpose was. Felix’s sigh had sounded frustrated due to Seungmin taking too long, so there was a good chance that he just wanted to help speed up the process. No matter the intention, Seungmin appreciated it and was able to tie the strings within thirty seconds, closing his eyes so that he didn’t have to look into Felix’s doe ones.

Seungmin reclaimed the blanket, but he was unable to reciprocate Felix’s smile. The doctor started talking again.

“I’ll apply a local anesthetic to the back of your throat so you can swallow the tube without gagging. I can use a spray, gel, or lozenge, whichever one you prefer, Seungmin.”

Seungmin didn’t answer right away, keeping his arms underneath the blanket. He didn’t know how the spray or gel would be administered, and he didn’t want to - and couldn’t - ask. Nervous, he poked his right hand out and held up three fingers. As the doctor retrieved a lozenge from the cart, Seungmin noticed his boyfriends shifting, no longer bothering to look away. The eyes Seungmin felt on him made him squirm.

He took the lozenge with a shaky hand, quickly popping it into his mouth. He rushed to get his arm back underneath the blanket when he realized how exposed it was. He had been wearing long-sleeved shirts and hoodies with sweatpants for a while now, so feeling the chilly air against his skin was jarring.

Something suddenly stood out to him. He had been trying so hard to lose weight, to make himself smaller, so why did he not want people to look at him? Shouldn’t he want people to see his progress? The whole point was to wear Eunseo’s clothes on stage where the world could watch him.

When - or if - Seungmin got to that point, he wondered what he was going to do. He didn’t think he would be comfortable wearing tight clothes on stage; but if Eunseo wanted that, he would have to deal with it. He knew that she did.

But he didn’t. At this point, whilst he wanted to persevere through his journey with her, he also wanted to stop. His stomach was a constant ache, his head was insistently buzzing, his skin was always tingling, and his limbs were unstable and trembling. Now he couldn’t sing. He wanted a break.

As he subconsciously sucked on the lozenge, he felt his eyes burn with unshed tears. He was overwhelmed - again.

“It will take about ten minutes for the lozenge to dissolve,” the doctor continued, stealing Seungmin’s attention. “We can set everything else up in the meantime. Seungmin, you’ll have to lie down.”

He pointed at the exam table, clearly expecting Seungmin to get up. He didn’t. He couldn’t.

Felix, who had been standing at Seungmin’s side, sat down in the second chair and reached behind Seungmin’s shoulders to hold both ends of the blanket again.

“Stand up,” he whispered, “and I’ll cover you.”

A tear fell. He knew now that Felix was truly trying to help him and wasn’t angry. Felix was patient, and Seungmin trusted him. He knew that Felix might see his back, but with the way Felix kept his head in front of Seungmin’s body, that seemed unlikely. He wanted to thank the older boy, but that would have to wait.

Seungmin stood up and nearly fell over, his vision darkening for a second too long. Felix’s hold was tight, supporting him. Felix twisted the blanket around Seungmin’s body so that the opening was at his side, allowing Seungmin to hold onto it himself. Seungmin huffed and puffed through his mouth due to the effort of standing and walking, careful to keep the lozenge nestled between his gums and cheek.

He toed his shoes off and sat on the table. He was told to lie down, so he did, turning his head so that he was facing the doctor rather than his boyfriends. Felix was near his feet, which made breathing a little easier yet increased his anxiety. He curled his legs up until they were fully hidden beneath the blanket, seeking security.

“Alright, keep sucking on the lozenge,” the doctor said. “I’m going to get the IV ready and start the pain medication, but I won’t administer the sedative yet. It will make you feel drowsy, so we try to wait until the procedure begins for that to kick in, and it only takes a couple of minutes. It won’t put you to sleep.”

Seungmin didn’t react, but he listened this time. He could already feel the lozenge doing something to his throat every time he swallowed, making the uncomfortable, painful feeling more bearable.

He had never had a fear of needles, but for some reason, he was a little scared this time - especially for the sedative part. He was weak and mentally foggy enough as it was; he didn’t need to be even less lucid.

“Lay your arm on the table for me.” The doctor held the supplies for the IV, waiting for Seungmin to reveal his left arm. Seungmin eyed the tourniquet cautiously. He knew what it was for, but the thought of it being wrapped tightly around his bicep was a little alarming.

He tried to convince himself that his boyfriends couldn’t see his arm from where they stood - although he thought that was a lie - and slowly pulled his arm out of its cocoon. The doctor began putting the tourniquet on and explaining that he was searching for a vein, but his eyes flickered over Seungmin’s sheathed body. He probably knew that the other doctor had diagnosed Seungmin with an eating disorder. Seungmin wondered if he looked bad enough for someone to basically see him through the blanket. The thought made him shift uneasily where he lay.

The doctor’s words continued to be unheard by Seungmin as he grew dizzy again, but not from head rush this time - from anxiety. His heart was beating out of his chest.

The first prick in the inside of his elbow was gentle and almost unnoticeable. The second one was as well. It must have been difficult to find a vein, which made some sense due to Seungmin’s lack of food and water consumption recently, but he had less fat now, so he felt like it shouldn’t be too difficult.

He was staring mindlessly at the ceiling when a vein was finally hit by the needle, and a small whimper escaped him. He pulled the blanket up to his lips to muffle any future, unplanned sounds.

“Is the lozenge fully dissolved?”

Seungmin looked at the doctor. The IV was set up, and the pain medicine was being administered. Seungmin’s sense of time must have been distorted. It took him a few seconds to process the question, then a few more to think about it and nod.

“Alright. Lie on your side for me.” Seungmin slowly rolled until he couldn’t see his boyfriends anymore, curling up even tighter, mindful of the IV in his arm. The doctor put sterilized gloves on and moved his chair closer to the table near Seungmin’s chest. “I have to make sure the anesthetic is working. I’m going to reach into your throat a bit, okay?”

The doctor was already reaching for Seungmin’s mouth. After hesitating, Seungmin parted his lips, trying to calm his breathing.

It felt very wrong to have someone’s gloved fingers enter his mouth. It really shouldn’t have; Seungmin had done that himself before with the intention of making himself sick.

He started to panic a little. What if this caused him to puke? The thought was terrifying now, because he didn’t want to torture his throat even more, especially not with so many people present. He jerked away from the doctor, looking up with fearful eyes, trying to breathe.

“It’s okay, Seungmin,” the doctor said quietly, glancing at the other seven boys in the room. “Take deep breaths. I promise you, none of this is going to hurt.”

Seungmin’s throat was closing, which actually did hurt, and his breaths were wheezy. He closed his mouth and tried to breathe through his nose instead, scared of the doctor sneaking his fingers in.

Someone appeared beside the doctor, crouching to be at Seungmin’s level. It was Felix again, and he had definitely just been crying.

“Minnie, listen to the doctor,” he whispered. He lifted his hand like he wanted to comfort Seungmin, but then he lowered it. “The lozenge probably worked, so you won’t feel much. It might be uncomfortable, but that’s all. He knows what he’s doing.”

Seungmin still didn’t want to, and Felix could tell. He leaned in until his breath brushed over Seungmin’s ear, and the younger boy was nervous.

“Please, Minnie,” he murmured, keeping the words between them only. “Be good for us. I know you can do this. You’re strong.”

Seungmin shivered. Felix definitely knew that Seungmin was a people pleaser who liked praise, and he was using that to his advantage. It worked.

The need to please his boyfriends grew stronger. Seungmin nodded shakily, and Felix kissed his temple before stepping back. Seungmin was at a loss for thoughts.

He allowed the doctor to reapproach him. Felix remained next to the doctor, reminding Seungmin of his presence and that he needed to do this.

Seungmin managed to stay still as the fingers went deeper into his throat. He gagged just slightly, and the doctor pulled his hand away, taking the glove off and throwing it into the small trash can under the counter. Seungmin watched him, taking quick breaths and clutching at the blanket, unsure if the anesthetic was working or not.

“It can’t take your gag reflex away completely, but enough to where it won’t be an issue going forward. Once the tube is down, everything will be easier.”

That calmed Seungmin down. The doctor set up the sedative, then he grabbed a sterile cloth, which he slid underneath Seungmin’s head. Seungmin was confused until he saw the mouthpiece in the doctor’s hand. He probably should have paid more attention when they were told what was going to happen.

There was a strap attached to the mouthpiece, but the doctor took it off.

“As long as you can keep it in your mouth, we don’t need to strap it around your head. This is just to protect your teeth from the tube and the tube from your teeth. The sedative should kick in in a minute, then we’ll get started, okay?”

Seungmin nodded, and the doctor continued.

“What I’m going to do is feed this tube into your mouth,” he said, pointing at a long, clear tube on his cart, a remote-looking-thing on the end that Seungmin could see. “Once it gets to your throat, you will have to swallow it. It’ll take two or three swallows to get it down. You might feel the need to gag just slightly, but that’s normal. Once you swallow it, the hard part’s over, and you’ll just have to wait for me to see what I need to see in there. That’ll take about ten minutes.”

It didn’t sound as bad as Seungmin thought it would. He was nervous about swallowing a tube, but he wanted to be good for his boyfriends, so he did his best to comply.

As drowsiness began to settle over Seungmin, Felix left his sight. Seungmin sort of wanted him to stay put so he knew that he wasn’t alone, but he wanted to trust that his boyfriends wouldn’t leave him.

The doctor soon put the mouthpiece in, then started feeding the tube. He told Seungmin to swallow, so he did, scrunching his face at the uncomfortable feeling. He swallowed again and almost gagged, but the tube slipped past his throat and into his esophagus. It didn’t hurt, but it felt weird.

Seungmin kept his eyes on the counter behind the doctor. The doctor said something about Seungmin’s stomach being collapsed and that he was going to pump a little air into it. He also asked Seungmin if he could hold his breath for a few moments to allow him to get a better view, but Seungmin couldn’t, because the air filling his stomach made him feel large and heavy. He started breathing more quickly instead. He hadn’t felt this big in a long time, and he wasn’t supposed to feel this big.

The doctor paused.

“Seungmin, you need to breathe evenly or you might gag or get dizzy. Breathe slowly, in for four and out for four.”

Seungmin was growing dizzy. He tilted his head back, but the doctor placed a steadying hand on it, keeping it in place. Then someone appeared behind Seungmin, replacing the doctor’s hand and putting another on Seungmin’s back.

“Minnie, just breathe,” Changbin whispered. “Nothing’s wrong, you’re fine. Just a bit longer. Come on, you can do it.”

It took a few minutes, but Seungmin got his breathing under control again. The doctor had resumed his examination while Changbin helped Seungmin.

Seungmin felt the sedation a little more now. He was awake but tired, and he couldn’t really feel Changbin’s hands. He was surprised that his throat didn’t hurt more with a tube going down it, but if he thought about it, it was likely to do with the anesthetic, pain reliever, and sedation altogether.

When the doctor pulled the tube out, Seungmin almost gagged again, but then it was gone along with the mouthpiece. It was over.

“Due to the sedation, we need to keep him for an hour for observation,” the doctor told the others. “Once he’s fully alert, he is free to go. You don’t have to stay with him, but I would recommend it, especially because he seems a bit unstable. I can discuss the results with you now and again later with Seungmin, or we can just wait until later.”

Seungmin wasn’t sure who answered or what they said. His eyes closed, and although his throat felt weirdly open and his breaths were hoarse, he fell asleep without another thought.

---

Quiet voices woke him up. He was still lying on his side, hearing his boyfriends chatting behind him.

“I’m not so sure, hyung.”

“No one’s sure of anything right now. I’m just saying that there is a lot of controversy, and we still have to figure out what’s going on.”

“Can’t we just look at security cameras?”

“Chan doesn’t have access. The manager does, but he definitely wouldn’t let us look at it. He’s completely on her side.”

“What did she say again?”

“That the paper is hers. She’s tracking her own progress, apparently. If that’s true, she needs help, because she was losing weight too quickly. She was crying a lot too.”

“She could be lying.”

“I know that.”

“You don’t think she is?”

A harsh sigh. “I don’t know anything. No one does except her and Seungmin.”

“Should we just ask Minnie?”

“Probably, but I don’t want to upset him. And he can’t exactly talk about it right now anyway.”

“He can write it down. Or just nod and shake his head.”

“I guess so.”

By now, Seungmin had fully woken up and had his eyes wide open. Were they talking about Eunseo? What had he missed?

Slightly panicked, he rolled onto his back. Everyone except for Chan, Jisung, and Felix were there, sitting in chairs that must have been brought into the room.

Hyunjin was the first to notice Seungmin. He stood up and walked to the table with a smile.

“Hi, baby,” he whispered, not noticing Seungmin’s internal anxiety. “Feeling okay?”

Seungmin just looked behind Hyunjin, finding Changbin’s eyes. Changbin had been speaking the most, so he knew the most.

Upon meeting Seungmin’s gaze, Changbin joined them at the table, sitting on the edge.

“Your throat is probably sore - or, more sore,” he grimaced. Seungmin hated the look on his face. “Do you feel awake and alert now? Or still a bit out of it from the sedative?”

Seungmin held up a shaky hand, forming an OK gesture with his fingers. Just raising his arm that high and maintaining the position made his bicep and tricep burn from exertion. Bravely, Hyunjin took the hand in both of his own, holding it tightly and warmly. Seungmin didn’t have the strength to pull away.

“We’ll get the doctor so we can go home, okay?”

“Hyung,” Hyunjin hissed. When Seungmin’s eyes flickered to him, he looked away, frowning. Seungmin looked back at Changbin, anxious, and the older boy sighed.

“Listen, baby. I know you just woke up, but there’s something we need to talk about, and I think everyone wants to do it now.”

Fear shot through Seungmin’s body. He knew that it had something to do with Eunseo, but he still wasn’t sure what they were referring to.

Changbin rubbed his forehead in frustration before reaching over to the counter and picking up his phone. After scrolling and swiping for a few moments, he showed the screen to Seungmin, whose eyebrows furrowed. It was a good-quality picture, but he didn’t understand what it had to do with him.

“We found a paper in… in the stylists’ room. By Eunseo noona’s station. It has information on it, and we think that… it might be yours?”

Seungmin was still confused. He read the details on the image, and once he realized, he froze. Those were definitely his measurements, deadlines, and goals. But he had never seen the paper before. It must have been what Eunseo wrote on every time she took his weight.

The thought of his boyfriends seeing this and knowing how much he weighed was terrifying. They weren’t supposed to know - no one was, except for him and Eunseo. If they found the paper, they must have been actively searching for it and invading both Eunseo’s and Seungmin’s privacy. Seungmin wasn’t sure whether to feel angry, hurt, or scared, but he definitely felt the latter, and it definitely showed on his expression.

When Changbin noticed, he pulled the phone back slightly, his eyes widening. Seungmin rushed to conceal his reaction, but he couldn’t hide the way his chest rose and fell too quickly.

“Is it?” Changbin breathed. “Minnie…”

Seungmin frantically shook his head, blinking back tears. They couldn’t know - about Eunseo’s involvement, her and Seungmin’s relationship, how far into this he was.

He wanted to lose weight, but he didn’t want anyone to know how much he lost or what he looked like. He was still trying not to think about that, because it made no sense - yet it also did. He was doing this for Eunseo, not for himself, so of course he didn’t like how it turned out.

His boyfriends clearly didn’t like it either, and that was the worst part. He was hurting them all - and himself - so much for someone whom he had only known for a month. Seungmin knew how fucked up it was.

“Seungmin, don’t lie to us,” Minho said quietly, approaching the table with Jeongin right behind him. Seungmin shrunk. “If it is yours, you can tell us. We won’t be mad. We just want to help you.”

Seungmin felt trapped and cornered. They knew that he couldn’t get up properly or speak up for himself. Were they doing this on purpose so that he had no way out? So that they could get the answer they wanted from him?

All he could do was roll over onto his stomach and shove his face into the blanket. The action caused part of the blanket to lift and expose the leg beside his boyfriends, bare from the thigh down. Seungmin just tensed, knowing that they could see it - and that they knew that he was lying. He squeezed his eyes shut and took shaky breaths, only curling up further when a hand ran through his hair.

“Just rest,” Hyunjin whispered. He adjusted the blanket back over Seungmin’s body, causing a sliver of the younger boy’s anxiety to diminish. “We’ll go home soon.”

Five minutes later, the doctor entered the room, and Seungmin used him as a distraction. He lifted his head and nodded when asked if he felt alert, shaking his head when asked if he still felt tired and drowsy. He was told to change back into his clothes when the doctor left, and his boyfriends turned around again. The reminder that three of them were absent was still prevalent, and Seungmin wondered where they were.

Seungmin stood up on his own and stumbled on weak legs, managing to stay upright. He made sure that his face was fully dry, then he took careful steps and tapped on Jeongin’s shoulder - the only one who hadn’t cornered him. Jeongin quickly turned around with a hum and a light expression, and Seungmin raised a hand, making a C shape and holding it up to his mouth.

“You want water?” Jeongin asked. Seungmin nodded; his throat and mouth were very dry. Jeongin quickly grabbed his own half-full bottle from the floor beside his chair and uncapped it, handing it to Seungmin. “You can have all of it.”

Before taking a sip, Seungmin held up one arm with his fingers extended and pressed together, then made a karate chop motion with his occupied hand on top of his fingers, giving his thanks in sign language. Jeongin smiled sadly.

“Of course, hyung. Are you ready to go home?”

Seungmin nodded and began drinking the water. He didn’t dare look at any of the others, not ready to see the concern and questions on their faces.

He and Jeongin walked out after everyone else, following in their footsteps. Jeongin’s body was slightly angled, like he wanted to wrap an arm around Seungmin’s waist and was waiting for Seungmin to allow him to. Seungmin didn’t. He kept walking, taking small sips every other minute. He didn’t need help to walk - yet, at least, which scared him. He felt too weak and unsteady, both physically and mentally. He hated the thought of being dependent on someone else for everyday things.

As they reached the front doors of the hospital, Minho held the door open for everyone, and Seungmin avoided his gaze. Minho ended up walking on Seungmin’s other side, causing him to be surrounded by him and Jeongin. That was nerve-wracking, but they were his boyfriends, so he shouldn’t have felt that way. He hated that he did.

It was then that he realized that the doctor hadn’t talked to him about the results of the procedure. Did his boyfriends know? Was there a reason that no one told Seungmin? Were they waiting until they got to the dorm? Were the results bad enough that they didn’t want him to know? Seungmin wasn’t sure how bad the results of this could be, but he was apprehensive now.

He sat in the same seat in the car, but this time Jeongin was beside him and Minho was on the other end. He assumed that Changbin was driving. Normally, Chan would be the driver, but, again, he was absent. Seungmin wanted to know why, because it was probably his fault. He probably did something to upset Chan once more. That, or something had happened at the company because of Seungmin and Chan had to take care of it. Considering the fact that Jisung and Felix were also gone, it must have been serious. Seungmin’s anxiety spiked thinking that he messed up so badly.

He tapped Jeongin’s thigh, and the younger boy was quickly alert. Seungmin stuck out his thumb and pinky and held his hand up to his ear.

“Phone?” Seungmin nodded, keeping his eyes on their laps. “We don’t have yours. Do you want mine?”

He nodded again. He just needed something to type or write on.

Once he had Jeongin’s phone, he opened the notes application and typed, “Where are Chan hyung, Jisung, and Felix?” and showed it to the maknae.

“Oh. They’re at the dorm already. They left early.”

Jeongin was fidgeting with his pants, and Seungmin knew that there was more to the story. He just gave the phone back and turned toward the window, his heart clenching when he heard Jeongin sigh in disappointment. Disappointment because of the way Seungmin was acting.

By the time they arrived at the dorm, it was almost one a.m. Seungmin didn’t know what their schedule was tomorrow, but he hoped that the others could get a decent amount of sleep.

He tried to get out of his own side of the car but nearly fell over. Hyunjin was already there to steady him, and he accepted the help, having no other option. Hyunjin, being more tactile than Jeongin, kept his arm linked with Seungmin’s as they walked into the dorm. Seungmin felt very conscious of his body - even just his arm. He wondered what Hyunjin could feel.

The journey inside was mostly silent, but Seungmin could hear Minho and Changbin whispering to each other. When they were inside of the dorm, Seungmin regained control of his own body and went straight to his room where he knew no one else would be. He was worried that someone would stop him, but they didn’t.

Not intentionally, at least.

As he passed the living room, he found his missing boyfriends. Jisung and Felix were sitting on the couch with Chan in between them, and the eldest’s head was resting on Jisung’s chest. Chan very rarely took that position with one of them, and if he did, it was out of playful affection. This time, however, the lamp shone on his face perfectly in a way that allowed Seungmin to see tear tracks on his cheeks. His eyes were closed, and the two younger boys’ arms were tight around him. He must have cried himself to exhaustion.

Jisung saw Seungmin first, and rather than the concern Seungmin was expecting, he cringed slightly. Seungmin didn’t know what that meant. He must have been the reason that Chan was so upset.

Before Felix could look up, Seungmin rushed into his room and closed the door. He leaned back against it and felt his eyes sting painfully. He slid down to the floor, letting his own tears run despite how much the lump in his throat hurt.

He had made Chan cry.

He couldn’t even imagine how angry Jisung and Felix were with him. He had made Chan cry. Chan was stressed enough as it was with Seungmin recently, and now it was obvious how emotionally scarred he was. Seungmin was hurting all of them, and for what? He was so selfish.

His mind was too torn to think straight. He felt selfish, but also selfless, because, really, he was doing all of this for Eunseo. He was selfish for putting her before his boyfriends, but selfless for putting her before them in the first place. He felt more selfish than anything, though.

He knew that he needed to talk to Eunseo soon. He needed to tell her how much this was affecting his relationships and performance. He had tried telling her before, but she hadn’t listened; now that everything was more serious and out in the open, he hoped that she would listen. His boyfriends also thought that she had something to do with his weight loss, and he wasn’t sure if she knew that or not, but he should probably warn her. That was the right thing to do.

However, part of him didn’t want to. Part of him - a small, tiny, miniscule part of him - wanted them to find out. If Eunseo was caught, he wouldn’t have to deal with her anymore and could go back to living his life normally. The only thing stopping him was fear. He was scared of what she would do, what his boyfriends would think, what the company would do and think, what would happen to him. He was scared of how his life would change, how he would cope, how he would confront the people around him. He was scared to even attempt to return to his past self. Everything would change again, so it just seemed easier to keep living how he was living now.

Lost in tears and thought, Seungmin didn’t hear the knock on the door until it started being pushed open. His body was easily maneuvered out of the way due to the force the other person used, but he was startled enough to scramble to the side and allow it to open fully. He looked up with wide eyes and saw both Minho and Hyunjin in the doorway, the older boy in front. At the sight, Minho quickly dropped into a crouch.

“Hey,” he whispered, hesitantly reaching a hand out but stopping when Seungmin flinched. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

They knew that he couldn’t speak, so they weren’t expecting an answer; but they also knew that Seungmin’s sore throat wasn’t suited for crying.

Hyunjin pushed past Minho until he could reach Seungmin. He slowly pulled the younger boy into a hug, ignoring how Seungmin stiffened and grew more distressed in his hold. Despite being more distressed, Seungmin couldn’t deny that the touch was comforting and that he wanted it. He just didn’t want to want it.

“Deep breaths,” Hyunjin murmured, petting his hair and rubbing his bony back. “Shh, I know, I know. Don’t cry, baby. It hurts more when you cry.”

Seungmin wasn’t sure if Hyunjin was saying that he hurt more when Seungmin cried, or that Seungmin’s throat hurt more when he cried. Both were probably true, and Seungmin felt terribly guilty.

The guilt of hurting Hyunjin only reminded him of how he had hurt Chan, and the tears increased. He sobbed silently into Hyunjin’s chest, not trying to flee from the older boy’s embrace.

“You… You did so well today,” Minho said quietly. “At the doctor, at work, and at home. I know it was scary, but you got through it. Thank you for going to the hospital with us, we know you didn’t want to. But now we know what’s wrong, and we’ll talk about it when you’re ready. It won’t take long to heal, you’ll be okay.”

Seungmin’s cries gradually subsided as Minho spoke. He was stunned at the words; Minho said that he did well and thanked him for being cooperative. Did that mean that Minho wasn’t disappointed?

If Minho wasn’t disappointed anymore, then something must have changed. Seungmin wasn’t sure what he could have done to make things better, because he only seemed to ruin things.

A few minutes later, when Seungmin was sniffling pathetically, Minho offered him a new water bottle, and he took it. He drank all of it in one go - both because he was parched and because he wanted to stall.

When he was done, Minho took the bottle back, and Hyunjin was still wrapped around him like a blanket. It made Seungmin feel self-conscious about his body. Hyunjin could probably feel everything - his bony joints, chubby arms, narrow shoulders, squishy waist. He shrunk in Hyunjin’s hold.

“Seungmin-ah,” Minho mumbled. Seungmin looked at him with puffy eyes, seeing nothing but concern. “Let’s get you in bed, yeah? Then we’ll talk a bit about the doctor and tomorrow.”

Seungmin’s anxiety increased tenfold, but he nodded and tried not to let it show in his expression. Hyunjin tugged him up to his feet, and Seungmin didn’t mind how his vision blurred, because Hyunjin was the only thing keeping him upright. Hyunjin sat him on his bed, then Minho took off his shoes for him. Seungmin felt cared for, and for some reason, that rubbed him wrong. He didn’t think he deserved this treatment no matter how nice it might have felt.

Hyunjin tilted him until he was lying down, then pulled the blanket up to his chin. Seungmin quickly grabbed onto it and hid his lips, curling up. Hyunjin wasn’t touching him anymore, and despite thinking that that was what he wanted and needed, he felt cold.

Minho kneeled on the floor while Hyunjin sat on the edge of the bed beside Seungmin’s knees, both looking down at him with a pitiful expression. Seungmin couldn’t maintain eye contact.

“The doctor said that you have a Mallory-Weiss tear,” Minho started, “and it should heal within a week. That is, if there is no further damage to it. So you’ll have to drink plenty of fluids and avoid coughing or any other harsh treatment if possible.”

Seungmin shivered. The implication behind Minho’s words terrified him. They knew that he had thrown up, and Seungmin knew that they knew, but Minho so obviously trying to sidestep the topic was physically painful and humiliating.

“Don’t worry,” Hyunjin added softly. “We’ll help you, if you want. We’ll be here. Hyung has dealt with a tear before, so he can help the most.”

Oh. Minho was the one who had been talking about that earlier. Seungmin wondered how he got a tear, but he wasn’t sure if he truly wanted to know.

“You can sleep in tomorrow,” Minho continued. “It’s too late for you to get up for your first schedule. I’ll set your alarm for you. Jeongin will probably be the one accompanying you tomorrow, because that’s how the schedules line up. Jinnie and I will go to sleep in a bit, so we’ll be here with you overnight.”

He paused, so Seungmin nodded. Minho exchanged an unsure look with Hyunjin, who pursed his lips. Minho sighed.

“I think it’s best to get everything out of the way now. Yesterday, you passed out in the studio, and Chan hyung and Changbin left soon after. When they came back, they said that they had spoken to your vocal instructor. They had a meeting with the manager, your instructor, and your stylist last night before the hospital, and the manager said that schedules are continuing like normal for now. But if it becomes too much for you, don’t hesitate to let one of us know, okay? One of us first, not the manager. That’s perfectly fine.”

Minho was leaving out an integral part of the situation - the paper. Seungmin wasn’t sure how Changbin - and presumably Chan - had come to find the paper. They had been snooping, he thought, because they didn’t trust Eunseo. He didn’t know what caused them to distrust her. But Seungmin’s earlier behavior when questioned about the paper was too suspicious, too unusual. They knew that something was going on.

“Hey.” Seungmin’s vision and hearing refocused at the sound of Hyunjin’s voice. “We’ll discuss more when you’re ready. We don’t want to push you too far, but we want to be here for you so we can help you. Please don’t push us away, okay? We’ll do everything at your pace. Just talk to us, or type something for us to see.”

A few seconds later, Seungmin nodded. The small smiles he received managed to loosen part of his chest, giving his heart more space to survive.

While Minho found Seungmin’s phone in his backpack on the floor, Hyunjin kissed Seungmin’s forehead and stood.

“Get some rest, baby. We’ll be in the living room for a bit, but come get us or text if you need anything.”

Minho nodded in agreement as he stood, plugging the phone in and setting it on the nightstand. He leaned down and kissed Seungmin’s cheek twice, then, after a delay, kissed his lips. Seungmin gasped slightly, having not received that gesture from most of his boyfriends in a while. Hyunjin, seemingly jealous and regretful, kissed him as well, and it made Seungmin’s stomach feel a little queasy, but not anxiously this time.

Seungmin watched the two boys leave the room, closing the door until it was only open a crack, not completely abandoning Seungmin but also giving him privacy. Seungmin rolled over to face the dark wall, his brain running a thousand miles per second yet also too slow to think. He was overwhelmed to the point where it was easier to just close his eyes and wish that he didn’t exist.

There was so much more to learn, confront, and overcome, but he would do it one step at a time, whether he was with Eunseo or his boyfriends. Either way, he knew that things would progress in one direction or another. He just hoped that he would be satisfied with the outcome.

Chapter Text

One of the most difficult things Felix had ever had to do was stand in a hospital room turned away from his boyfriend, who was in dire need of assistance - mentally and physically, currently and constantly. Watching his boyfriend slowly deteriorate while he did nothing to help was painful, but Felix could never compare his pain to Seungmin’s. He shouldn’t have presupposed that Seungmin could handle it on his own; although the boy usually came to them with problems he needed help with, it wasn’t good to assume.

Jeongin was right by saying that they needed to maintain normalcy, Changbin was right by saying that they shouldn’t push Seungmin too much, and Jisung was right by saying that they were taking things too slow. The members needed to find a compromise between each idea, but that was proving to be a challenge.

Felix made the ultimate decision to turn around and help Seungmin when he heard how much the younger boy was struggling. He wasn’t going to go too far - just enough to help Seungmin complete his task. Felix hated the way Seungmin froze completely and looked up with wide, disbelieving eyes.

Was it that difficult to believe that his boyfriend wanted to help him? Felix felt his heart cracking again, but he maintained a small, comforting smile.

Felix didn’t leave Seungmin’s side right away. He couldn’t, not when Seungmin was so broken. When he saw the others whispering, he walked back over to them, but they were simply talking about their schedules tomorrow. Felix didn’t care about that right now.

However, something caught his eye. Chan - the leader - wasn’t participating in the conversation. He was staring blankly at the wall and worrying his lip, clearly lost in his head. Felix knew that something else was wrong, but he wasn’t sure what.

Felix helped Seungmin again when he wouldn’t allow the doctor to check that the antiseptic was working. When Felix saw what exactly the doctor was doing, he felt his blood run cold, his hands clammy. No wonder Seungmin was distressed.

Felix knew that Seungmin was a selfless person, which likely had something to do with this whole situation, so he used that in his favor. Telling Seungmin to be good for them worked like a charm. Felix would have to tell everyone about that later and find out what implications it may have.

The next time Seungmin got upset, it was seemingly out of the blue. Changbin beat Felix to it, kneeling on the bed to capture Seungmin’s attention. None of them were sure what had happened to warrant more panic.

Everyone was tense throughout the procedure. As stressed and scared as they were, they decided to wait on hearing the results until later. That would give them time to chat and calm down. It didn’t take long for Seungmin to fall asleep, and his soft breaths loosened everyone’s muscles.

It was quiet at first. They all managed to bring chairs into the room, which was a relief. None of them wanted to leave Seungmin. But, taking another peek at a distant Chan, Felix felt uneasy.

“Hyung,” he called. No response. “Chan hyung.”

Chan’s body jerked as he lifted his head, meeting Felix’s eyes upon realizing who was speaking.

“What?”

“What’s wrong?”

Chan huffed. “A lot is wrong, you know that. A lot that we don’t understand.”

“We’ll try to understand,” Hyunjin said. “We’ll talk to Minnie and figure everything out, even if it takes a little time.”

Chan clenched his jaw and shook his head slightly, like Hyunjin was being annoying. Felix squinted at the leader.

“Hyung, what’s wrong with you? You’re acting weird.”

“Don’t pretend that you haven’t noticed,” Chan scoffed, his voice shaking. “He—He won’t talk to me. He flinches away from me. He’s fine with all of you. I’m the problem, but I have no idea what I did wrong.”

Felix had definitely noticed that, but it didn’t seem as severe as Chan was making it out to be. Chan wasn’t one to search for attention, especially when someone else was suffering, and he would never lie about or exaggerate his feelings.

“Communication,” Jisung mumbled. “We haven’t been communicating. We’ll have to talk about this as a group, and he can tell us if you did something wrong. He probably won’t want to, but we’ll try.”

Chan’s left hand gripped the hair on his nape in a fist while his right hand held on tightly to the armrest. Felix was incredibly worried about his mental state. Just because Seungmin needed help didn’t mean that none of the others did.

Jeongin, surprisingly, beat him to it.

“Hyung, you should go home.”

Chan glared at the maknae. “No, I shouldn’t. I need to be here for him, and for you. I’m the leader, I’m—”

“Supposed to take care of us and yourself,” Hyunjin argued. “Hyung, if you’re mentally unstable, you won’t be able to help anyone. It’s okay to think about yourself first.”

Chan shook his head, stubborn. “This isn’t about me. It’s about Seungmin - about Seungmin and me. I can’t leave knowing that I fucked up and made him feel worse.”

Minho reached for Chan’s hand, prying his fingers apart from locks of hair. “Don’t think about it like that. You know damn well that this is in no way your fault. You’ve been trying to help him this whole time, and I’m sure he knows that. I don’t know why he’s treating you differently, but we’ll get through this together. You’ll talk one on one when you can. Everything will be okay.”

Chan took deep, stuttery breaths, eventually nodding. Jisung stood.

“Let’s go home, hyung. We can rest, or we can get something ready for Minnie if you want to do that instead.”

Felix was quick to hop up to his feet, insisting that he come with. Seungmin was asleep, and the other four members were here to get him home safely. Hyunjin said that he would drive for them, as the younger two didn’t have licenses and there was only one car.

It didn’t take much more convincing to get Chan to come with them, thankfully. Chan took the passenger seat before Felix could attempt to bring him to the backseat. He wanted to comfort Chan, but that would have to wait.

The car ride was intense. Not a single word was spoken, and Felix was buzzing with nerves, his legs bouncing and his fingers fidgeting with his pants. He could hear Hyunjin’s hands tightening around the steering wheel multiple times, and Jisung’s gaze was locked on the window. Chan wasn’t moving.

When they arrived at the dorm, Chan was the first one to get out of the suffocating car. He didn’t enter the building immediately, though, waiting for his boyfriends to make sure that they were okay.

Hyunjin didn’t stay, saying that he didn’t want to be gone for too long, so Jisung and Felix each gave him a parting kiss before he drove off. Chan didn’t give one, and Felix’s anxiety spiked, because if Chan started pulling away from the relationship as well, it could fall apart.

Motivated to not let that happen, Felix grabbed Jisung’s hand, then Chan’s when he was within reach. Surprisingly, Chan held on tightly, like he thought Felix was going to leave him. Felix would never.

No one spoke as they walked up to the dorm room, silently agreeing to discuss things when they were more comfortable. However, once they were within the safe, sturdy, private walls of the dorm, that plan crumbled. Chan dropped into a crouch and covered his face, but that did nothing to hide the way his shoulders shook and his breaths hitched. Jisung and Felix kneeled on either side of him.

“Hyung,” Jisung whispered, putting a hand on the eldest’s bicep. Something inside of Chan shattered. He let out a painful, suppressed sob, and Jisung wrapped his arms around him without delay. Felix quickly joined the embrace.

“Shh, hyung,” he tried, to no avail. Chan only cried harder.

This was definitely the first time that Chan was letting himself go since the whole situation had begun weeks ago. They had all shed tears here and there, some more than others, but not Chan. Chan had held himself together for the group, yet he couldn’t keep that up forever. He was under the most pressure as the leader and eldest, and he was dealing with a serious situation about one of his youngest boyfriends who was hurt. Everyone was upset, but none of them were as busy or conflicted as him.

Every sob, whimper, and gasp that left Chan’s mouth was a stab to the heart. Jisung and Felix were both crying as well within seconds, for both the same reasons and different reasons.

They weren’t done crying ten minutes later, but their knees were hurting, so Jisung and Felix carefully coaxed Chan up to his feet and brought him to the couch. Chan wouldn’t uncover his face.

“Hyung,” Jisung mumbled, his face twisted in pain. He glanced at Felix, who wasn’t faring much better, then kissed Chan’s temple, burying his face in Chan’s hair.

Felix took a deep, shuddery breath, trying to calm himself down so he could take control of the situation. He knew why Chan was upset, but he had no solution - no one did. Until Seungmin talked to them, they couldn’t properly help Chan. They could tell him that it would be okay, that they would figure it out, that everyone was at fault; although true, those statements only held so much comfort before a new wave of insecurity and anxiety washed over.

When Chan’s cries quieted, so did Jisung’s. The younger boy lifted his head and wiped his cheeks, then looked at Felix with a wry smile, as if trying to seem okay. It was undoubtedly a puny attempt.

“Lix,” Jisung whispered, glancing down and tightening his hold around Chan, “I think hyung’s asleep.”

Felix leaned to the side to see Chan’s face and found that the leader’s eyes were closed, and he was breathing steadily. He let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank God,” he responded, his voice high pitched, almost whining. He sniffed back more tears and looked at Jisung. “I’ve never seen him like this.”

Jisung shook his head. “Me neither. Never. Not even in the studio when it’s just us. I think… I think this whole situation is just breaking all of us down, but hyung is taking the brunt of it. And if Minnie really is upset with him… I can’t even imagine how horrible he feels. They’re both such people pleasers. Channie hyung hates that he hurt Seungmin, and if Seungmin finds out about this, he’ll hate that he hurt hyung back. He’ll have to talk to us when he can. As soon as possible. We’ll talk about our relationship before we talk about his mental health. That’s okay, right? I think he’d prefer it. And then we’ll be prepared to help him, and he’ll know that we’re here for him.”

Felix listened intently as Jisung rattled on as if creating a freestyle rap. Ideas came out left and right, new thoughts popping into his head. Felix loved Jisung’s creativity and how it could be utilized in this situation.

“Good idea,” Felix replied. “That would make all of us feel better. But… we still have schedules to work around. I don’t think we’ll get out of them.”

“Definitely not. I don’t even know what our schedule looks like for the rest of the week. But if Minnie still has to keep up with it after having a panic attack and going to the hospital, I’m going to be pissed. All of us are. That’s not okay.”

Felix nodded in agreement. “We can talk to the rest of management about it too, not just the head manager.”

At that moment, the front door opened, stealing all of their attention. They heard shuffling before a lone figure appeared in the hallway, stopping to look at them. It was Seungmin, who had wide eyes and an exhausted look on his face. He was staring at Chan, and Felix became nervous. Jisung was right by saying that Seungmin would hate that he hurt Chan, and it was scary to let those thoughts plague Seungmin’s mind without anyone there to help him understand.

Seungmin continued forward, disappearing from their view. A door closed seconds later, then the other four members appeared, tired and weary. Their eyes saddened at the sight of the couch.

“Is he okay?” Hyunjin whispered. Felix shrugged.

“No better. He cried a lot. What about Minnie?”

They didn’t respond, and rather found seats about the room, which told Felix that this was serious; it was obviously serious, but the information must have been horrific. The fact that Jeongin willingly and eagerly sat on Minho’s lap and buried his face in the older boy’s neck was terrifying, because Jeongin never sought out comfort like that.

Changbin explained what happened after Chan, Jisung, and Felix left the hospital - how Seungmin froze when he saw the paper and panicked when confronted about it. It seemed like Seungmin had been lying. If that paper was his, Felix knew that Eunseo was the instigator. He had never hated someone so much in his life.

“Now what?” Minho asked quietly. He was rubbing Jeonign’s back, continuing to murmur in the maknae’s ear about something that the others couldn’t distinguish.

“You and Hyunjin should probably go talk to him,” Changbin suggested solemnly, “since you share a room. Tell him about what the doctor said and tomorrow’s schedule.”

“Does he have to go to every schedule?” Felix asked worriedly.

“He shouldn’t,” Hyunjin protested before anyone could speak. Changbin sighed.

“He won’t. Let him sleep in. I’ll take the shit from the manager, not him.”

“We all will,” Minho insisted. “Don’t play the hero, Changbin. That’s what Chan hyung tried to do. You know it’s not right. We’ll go together to talk to him when we get there, so Seungmin won’t have to deal with it at all when he gets there. Innie can stay home too and go with him.” He glanced down at the boy in his arms. “Right?”

Jeongin nodded miserably against Minho’s shoulder. He wasn’t audibly or visibly crying, but he was obviously distressed. If Felix weren’t so attached to Chan, he would have stolen Jeongin and held him tightly.

Changbin, however, wasn’t attached. He held his arms open, and Minho stood with a grunt, carrying Jeongin over. He deposited him in Changbin’s lap, then kissed both of their foreheads and grabbed Hyunjin’s hand. They disappeared down the hallway, leaving the other five in silence.

“Jeongin-ah,” Jisung called, snuggling closer to a still sleeping Chan. Jeongin hummed but didn’t lift his head. “Will you be okay with Seungminnie tomorrow? Alone?”

It was easy to figure out what was bothering the youngest. His close bond with Seungmin had never felt like such a hindrance.

Jeongin nodded. He wiped his face, then turned to face the rest of the group, exhaustion evident on his features.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Changbin suggested. Jeongin nodded again and stood, then held his hands out to help the older boy. Changbin smiled as he took them.

Felix leaned back while Jisung prepared to wake Chan up. It only took a few seconds of gentle shaking for Chan to rouse, blinking his puffy eyes open. Jisung whispered in his ear, then kissed him, and Felix fully pulled his arms away, settling down on the couch cushion. Changbin and Jeongin were waiting for them to get up, so Felix stood to wait as well.

After a minute of whispering and kissing, Chan was fully awake and aware, whispering back. He got up with Jisung, his expression despondent and steps slow. He refused to look into anyone’s eyes, and Felix could tell that he was going to pretend that he hadn’t broken down. The others were probably going to go along with his act - so that Seungmin didn’t notice and Chan didn’t feel too pressured or overwhelmed. They would talk about it more thoroughly later.

Changbin brought Jeongin to his, Chan’s, and Felix’s room, and Jisung brought Chan to his and Jeongin’s room. Felix took a moment to weigh his options, ultimately following Changbin. He felt like it would be easier for Chan to be with only one of them, especially if it was Jisung - the one with whom he had worked the most, the one who always seemed to know what to say.

As they walked down the hallway, they all glanced into Seungmin’s room, as the door was open. The three boys inside were huddled close on the floor, and quiet sobs were heard, breaking everyone’s heart. Minho mouthed that they had it handled and ushered them away with his hand, so everyone continued walking - yet they couldn’t brush off the feelings of unease and fear radiating from that bedroom.

They got ready for bed in silence, only a few glances and touches in passing. When Felix made it back to his bedroom, Changbin and Jeongin were in separate beds; apparently Jeongin didn’t want to cuddle overnight, which was common and understandable. When he looked up at Felix, the older boy couldn’t help but walk over and kiss his forehead. He was pleased that Jeongin didn’t pull away.

After kissing Changbin goodnight, he settled in his own bed, curling up with a shaky sigh. He watched Changbin’s firm chest move up and down and Jeongin’s fingers fidgeting with the hem of the blanket, clearly unable to sleep. Felix just closed his eyes, wishing for slumber to pull him under.

---

Jeongin woke up feeling like he had gotten no sleep whatsoever. Chan’s bed was comfortable, but that didn’t matter when his mind was racing so much.

Watching his youngest hyung fall apart over and over again was too painful. Jeongin sort of wanted to run away so that he didn’t have to witness Seungmin’s turmoil, but he couldn’t turn his back on someone who clearly needed help. It was Jeongin’s responsibility to take care of Seungmin this morning, and he wasn’t going to mess up.

Luckily, Jeongin wasn’t as distressed as he had been last night. He wanted to help Seungmin, to make him feel better, to take care of him. He wanted to see for himself how Seungmin felt after what had happened yesterday.

Jeongin got out of bed with the others, but he was told that Seungmin was going to be sleeping for two more hours. Jeongin was supposed to wait for him, so he had three hours to kill at the dorm.

“His alarm is set, but you should probably wake him up yourself,” Hyunjin suggested quietly as they stood in the kitchen, waiting for Minho to finish making eggs. “He might feel more comfortable. Or not, I don’t know, but I think it’ll help. Just be gentle.”

Jeongin agreed. Although Seungmin seemed to be avoiding their touch, it was obvious that he needed it. Their touch could reassure him and make him feel more included.

“Let me know what the manager says,” Jeongin responded. He needed to know how upset the manager would be in order to protect Seungmin if worse came to worst.

“We will. Right when we’re out of the meeting, we’ll call you. Hopefully it won’t take long. We’ll go see him first thing.”

They all sat at the table to eat together, but none of them could finish their full serving, their stomachs too full of nerves. When they got ready to leave, Minho and Hyunjin took clothes from the other members so as to not risk waking Seungmin. If he woke up, he might try to leave with them, but he needed to rest - and he couldn’t go to the meeting with them.

Minho told Jeongin to make eggs for Seungmin before they left. That seemed to be the safest food option for now, and with his sore throat, something warm might help.

With the others gone, Jeongin wasn’t sure what to do, so he just settled on the couch and turned on a random movie, hoping for time to pass by quickly.

His mind kept straying to the hospital. He had seen fear in Seungmin’s expression, and when Seungmin had rolled onto his stomach to hide from them, something went unsaid in the room. The paper was Seungmin’s.

Jeongin wanted them to talk about it more without Seungmin first, but they didn’t have enough time for that. He also wanted to go to the company, find Eunseo, and question her until she broke. He had been in the meeting with her, and whilst she had cried, she couldn’t be trusted, and something was very wrong between her and Seungmin.

Eventually, Jeongin managed to focus on the movie instead, which provided the slightest amount of relief - just enough to keep him calm. When there were five minutes left before Seungmin’s alarm would go off - at ten o’clock - he stood, taking slow, quiet steps into the hallway. He silently prayed that Seungmin was still sleeping soundly.

As he stepped into Seungmin’s room, he breathed out a sigh of relief. Seungmin was lying on his back with one arm slung over his chest and the other lying limp on the mattress, his body covered by a thick blanket. His body was lax, and his expression was soft - a stark contrast to how he looked when he was awake.

Jeongin took a minute to just kneel beside Seungmin’s bed and study his boyfriend’s features. It was relaxing to see Seungmin like this. Not only had they all not been spending as much time with and talking to Seungmin, but they also hadn’t slept in the same bed as him. Some members loved sleeping together and had managed to find the time to do so, and Seungmin was one of those members. He had slept with Hyunjin once last week, but that was all recently.

Jeongin felt his phone vibrating in his pocket and pulled it out. It was Hyunjin. He sighed and stood, quickly disabling Seungmin’s alarm before stepping out of the room.

“Hyung?”

”Hey, In-ah. We’re out of the meeting. Is he up yet?”

“No, I’ll wake him in a few minutes.”

”Okay.” Hyunjin took a deep breath. ”The manager is pissed that you’re both coming in late, of course. Chan hyung got really angry since we were at the hospital for so long last night. The manager talked about the comeback and said that he could push it back one week if we recorded Jisung’s voice instead of Seungmin’s, but I’m sure that would crush Minnie. He can’t just not be in one of our songs, y’know? We were fighting it, but we didn’t win. We’re hoping to change the manager’s mind within a few days, somehow, since he gave us another week to record Jisung’s lines.

“It’s like he forgot about Seungmin’s panic attack and throat, though. We tried explaining how bad it was, but he wouldn’t budge. If his voice is ready to record in a few days, he can record, but we know that it won’t be. And he can’t perform with us this afternoon. We all forgot about the performance with everything happening last night. The rest of us all have to perform, though, so we have to leave Min at the dorm when we go. Luckily he doesn’t have to keep working without us.”

Jeongin had also forgotten about the performance. He was a little surprised that Chan had forgotten as well, but he had been very distressed last night.

”If Minnie’s upset about not performing - which he probably won’t be - just tell him that his throat is in too bad condition. But also ask him if it’s feeling better, that’d be good to know. Just don’t tell him about the recording situation yet, we’ll handle that tonight.”

“Okay.”

”We told him about Min’s reaction to the paper, but he didn’t believe anything. Nothing changed regarding Eunseo. We haven’t seen her at all.” He sighed. ”We have to get to practice now. Get Seungmin here as soon as you can, but don’t rush, okay?”

“Okay, hyung.”

”Thank you. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

That was that. The information was dejecting, but at least Seungmin wasn’t in deep trouble.

Jeongin walked back into Seungmin’s room and sat on the edge of the bed. He ran a hand through Seungmin’s hair, gently stroking his forehead and cheeks.

“Seungmin hyung,” he murmured. He scratched Seungmin’s scalp, and the older boy’s eyes began to open slowly. Jeongin smiled. “Hi.”

Seungmin took a deep breath, still sleepy, and allowed Jeongin to comfort him, staring into the maknae’s eyes.

“It’s time to get up for work. It’s just us two right now. Want some water?”

Seungmin nodded. Jeongin was glad that he was being so compliant.

He helped Seungmin sit up, then grabbed the water bottle from the nightstand and gave it to him. Seungmin drank slowly, only grimacing slightly as the cool water went down his sore pipe.

“How’s your throat?” Jeongin asked once Seungmin was done. Seungmin took his time screwing the cap back on, his eyes downcast. His mouth opened.

“B–Better,” he whispered brokenly, his breath hitching afterwards. It was obvious that his throat wasn’t healed yet, but it wasn’t as bad as yesterday. That must have had something to do with what the doctor had given him during the procedure.

Jeongin smiled brighter. “That’s good, I’m glad. Don’t talk more than you have to, though.”

Jeongin was nowhere near as nervous as he had been last night. He could tell from the way Seungmin looked at and interacted with him that he was what Seungmin needed: the person who understood him the most, was the most similar to him, and was trusted.

“We have to get ready for work. Did you get enough rest?”

Seungmin nodded. Jeongin held his hand as he got out of bed, his hoodie and sweatpants devouring his figure. Jeongin gave his hand a squeeze as he led the older boy out of the room, keeping his steps slow and steady.

“I’m going to make you some eggs, okay?” Jeongin said carefully, gauging Seungmin’s reaction. Seungmin just held his hand tighter and nodded. “If it hurts your throat, you don’t have to eat it, but it should be fine, so we’ll try it.”

Seungmin sat on the stool at the counter while Jeongin got the eggs out of the fridge, planning to make enough for both of them. He was still a little hungry, and it might help Seungmin eat his own.

“We’re going to be together all day,” Jeongin commented, glancing at Seungmin, who was tracing random shapes on the countertop.

Jeongin decided to take the long route. He grabbed a bowl, four eggs, and a whisk, then brought everything to Seungmin, standing across from him. He flawlessly cracked the eggs on the edge of the bowl and started whisking. The sound of the whisk scraping the sides of the bowl was somehow soothing.

Just as he started whisking, he realized that he had to pee.

“I’m gonna run to the restroom really quick,” he said casually, pushing the bowl toward Seungmin. “Do you want to work on this?”

Seungmin nodded, taking the whisk. He was very calm, and Jeongin thought that the repetitive motions might make him feel better as well. A genuine smile graced Jeongin’s face as he walked past Seungmin, comforted by the fact that Seungmin wasn’t upset right now.

When Jeongin returned a minute later, the egg yolks and whites were fully scrambled, and Seungmin was still whisking. He probably didn’t know when he was supposed to stop, but it didn’t matter.

“That’s perfect,” Jeongin said as he took the bowl, giving Seungmin a smile. “Thank you, hyung.”

Seungmin nodded and fiddled with his sweater paws, not making eye contact. Jeongin went to the stove and poured the eggs onto the pan Minho had used.

He heard a cough, and his head whipped around. Seungmin was holding a fist against his lips in an attempt to quell the coughing, and Jeongin was worried that doing so would cause him to throw up due to the irritation in his throat.

Turning the temperature of the stove down, Jeongin grabbed a cup and filled it with faucet water, then walked around the counter to rub Seungmin’s stiff back.

“Try to breathe through it,” he advised as Seungmin’s body jerked. Jeongin wasn’t sure how else to help, as giving him the water now could cause him to choke.

Seungmin coughed again, swallowed, and leaned back. He managed to take a deep, shaky breath, and Jeongin deflated in relief.

“Sorry,” Seungmin mouthed, his voice barely audible. Jeongin shook his head.

“No, it’s not your fault. You’re still healing. But you’re getting a lot better, I can tell.” Seungmin nodded, and Jeongin gave him the water. “Here. It’ll help.”

He kissed Seungmin’s forehead before walking back to the stove. The eggs weren’t overdone, but they were perfect, so he flipped them, keeping them in a scrambled mess that he could cut up later.

When they were done, he used the spatula to chop the eggs up into smaller pieces. He dumped them onto one plate, grabbed two pairs of chopsticks, and walked around the counter again to sit next to Seungmin, who had finished the water by now.

“Bon appetit,” he smiled, taking the first bite. Seungmin didn’t smile back nor look at him, but he took the offered sticks and stabbed a small piece of egg. Jeongin watched as Seungmin chewed, still taking his own bites so as to not seem suspicious. Seungmin swallowed with a wince, but he had chewed more than enough, so he had no issues and took another bite.

Breakfast was quiet but not awkward. Not one part of the morning had been awkward so far, and Jeongin was a little excited, because he knew that he was doing something right. He was determined to keep doing whatever that was.

Jeongin definitely ended up eating more than Seungmin, but they cleared the plate together, so that was okay. As long as Seungmin ate something, Jeongin was satisfied - for now.

As they got ready to go to work, they finally separated; Jeongin wasn’t going to dare to get too close to Seungmin, lest the older boy push him away or worse. He busied himself with filling both of their water bottles, as Seungmin was taking a little longer than him.

When they met again to put on their shoes, Seungmin was wearing different baggy clothing, seemingly the only thing in his wardrobe recently. Jeongin wasn’t wearing anything tight, also clad in sweatpants, but wearing a T-shirt instead of a sweatshirt. He wanted to make sure that Seungmin didn’t feel secluded or too different from others.

They left the dorm with their bags, and Seungmin pulled out his phone, typing something. He finished when they reached the elevator, but he stared at his phone screen for another ten seconds, hesitating. He eventually bit his lip and tapped Jeongin’s shoulder despite the younger boy already looking at him.

“Yeah?” Jeongin asked softly. Seungmin showed him the phone, and Jeongin read it carefully.

Do I have therapy today?

A million thoughts ran through Jeongin’s head. Firstly, he was incredibly proud of Seungmin for asking such a personal question, and secondly, he was sad that Seungmin had to be worried about that. Of course he didn’t want to have therapy today; not only could he not speak, but he had been through even more torment over the last twenty-four hours. Truthfully, Jeongin didn’t want him to have therapy, because he didn’t think Seungmin would handle it well. But Seungmin didn’t have therapy.

“No, you don’t. I don’t know when you have it next, but I’m assuming it’d be tomorrow. Today it’s just dance practice and vocal lessons, but you’ll be observing for both. Then we have the performance. I’m not sure where you’ll be during that.”

Seungmin nodded and stuffed his phone into his pocket. He lowered his head, and Jeongin could tell that he had a lot on his mind - of course he did. So Jeongin held free hand, trying to be reassuring.

“I’ll be here the whole time, remember? It’s a group practice without 3RACHA hyungs, but just us two for vocals. We’ll take it easy, there’s no rush today.”

Other than the performance, none of them cared about working hard. They were exhausted after last night and everything leading up to it, and the less pressure on Seungmin the better. Without supervision, they could be as diligent as they wanted to be.

A driver was waiting outside of the building, courtesy of Chan; he had found a driver when they arrived at the company that morning, as he didn’t want to bother the manager with it. Jeongin didn’t want to drive because he wanted to focus on Seungmin, whether Seungmin realized that or not.

During the drive, Jeongin noticed a few things. Seungmin was pressing his forearm against his stomach, and he had a slight grimace on his face. Jeongin also heard a quiet rumbling sound. He knew what that meant, but he wondered how it felt - painful? Uncomfortable? Empty? Full? Satisfactory? All of the above?

He wondered if Seungmin thought it was worth it. His grimace looked regretful, and Jeongin could tell that he wouldn’t tell them how he was feeling unless he was forced to.

They soon arrived at the company. When they got out of the car, Jeongin followed behind Seungmin and saw how the older boy held onto the side of the vehicle. He was probably lightheaded again. Jeongin didn’t want to point it out, but he still wanted to help.

“Okay?” he said quietly, standing beside Seungmin, holding both of their bags. Seungmin nodded, but his eyes were unfocused. Jeongin shouldered his backpack and placed a hand on Seungmin’s lower back, guiding him toward the building. He ignored Seungmin’s slight flinch and rubbed his back instead. He knew that Seungmin liked physical contact and just didn’t want it right now, not when he was feeling so insecure.

As they walked through the company doors, Seungmin’s hands disappeared beneath his sweater paws and his arms wrapped around his chest. Jeongin’s heart clenched painfully.

“Dance practice first,” he reminded, wanting to say something. He wanted to talk about something casual to return to the normalcy he had been talking about before, but he wasn’t sure what to bring up that would make sense. He hadn’t had a chance yet today to do that; with how vulnerable Seungmin had been seeming, a more careful approach felt more appropriate.

Jeongin dropped his hand when they reached the practice room. He opened the door and heard music playing, but it wasn’t one of their songs, which meant that the others were still warming up. Expectedly, he entered and saw Minho, Hyunjin, and Felix stretching and chatting.

“Hey,” Jeongin greeted with a smile, holding the door open for Seungmin.

“Hi!” Felix exclaimed, in a good mood. That was good; they needed something to cheer them up. “How was your morning?”

“Good, we took it easy,” Jeongin responded. He didn’t want to mention food, although it probably would have been fine, so he simply nodded at the trio to let them know that Seungmin had eaten.

He led Seungmin to the couch and set down both of their bags.

“You can stretch with us if you want, or you can just relax over here for now. You can sit by the mirror again if you want. Just do whatever you want, okay?”

Seungmin nodded, not making eye contact. Jeongin kissed his cheek, then sighed silently, not spending too much time there before walking over to Hyunjin, who was still doing floor stretches. He joined the older boy and gave him a small smile.

“Everything’s okay?” Hyunjin whispered. Jeongin nodded.

“We had eggs. He ate some. I told him his schedule.”

Hyunjin’s eyes flitted over Jeongin’s shoulder, then he looked back at the maknae. “He looks so depressed. I don’t know… if that might have to do with last night? He broke down, but we weren’t sure why.”

Minho and Hyunjin had told everyone about that after they got Seungmin into bed. It was very worrying, especially because they didn’t know the true cause. Jisung and Felix had suggested that it was because Seungmin had seen Chan in a poor state, which was likely, but also everything in general. It had to be overwhelming physically and mentally.

“It’s all building up,” Felix piped in, sitting on Hyunjin’s other side. His good mood had diminished. “He hasn’t really cried, at least not that we know of. Sungie said that Minnie was crying in the bathroom once from a nightmare, then when he woke up before the hospital and during the procedure… I mean, those were probably from just the nightmare and pain, but it’s all happening at the same time, y’know? He doesn’t really get nightmares like that anymore. It’s all just… building up.”

Jeongin had to agree. It had been one thing after another for Seungmin, from passing out to the allegations against Eunseo.

Jeongin still wasn’t sure how he felt about her. She had seemed very upset during the meeting, and he truly thought that she had done nothing wrong, but after seeing the paper and Seungmin’s reaction to it, he was having doubts. If she had done something to Seungmin with that paper and felt the need to fake-cry to seem innocent, then she was a horrible person. If she hadn’t done anything to him, then she didn’t need to be questioned anymore. All of her answers had been reasonable and possible, but things just weren’t adding up.

Jeongin had been trying not to think about her while spending time alone with Seungmin. He didn’t want to get lost in his head at all. He knew that his hyungs were thinking about her, so he didn’t have to right now.

As the practice began, Seungmin remained on the couch, curled up in the corner. He was watching his members dance, but his expression was blank. His fingers were pulling on each other, revealing his anxiety and unease.

During each five-minute break - all of which were more frequent than usual - they checked in on him. They didn’t go overboard, but one of them would ask him a question or attempt to involve him in a conversation, pleased when Seungmin nodded or shook his head in response. Hyunjin and Felix both kissed his head during two separate breaks, and Jeongin paid enough attention to notice the way Seungmin’s eyelids fluttered and his shoulders lowered a little each time. However, if he looked at Minho afterward, they would rise again. Jeongin didn’t know why.

Two and a half hours into practice, the door opened. Jeongin was half-expecting it to be a member of 3RACHA, but it wasn’t; it was the manager. Everyone stopped dancing, and Minho paused the music, but the manager didn’t look at them.

“Seungmin-ah, can I see you out in the hallway for a minute?”

Jeongin’s breath caught in his throat. He didn’t want Seungmin to leave their sight, even if it was to be with the manager. He wanted to know what they were talking about. The manager had been angry during the meeting this morning, and if he acted that way toward Seungmin, something bad might happen. Seungmin didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of anyone’s anger - and he never handled it well - especially someone who had so much control in his life.

Seungmin glanced at the members as well, and Jeongin saw the slight desperation in his eyes; he didn’t want to go alone either. But they all knew that they didn’t have a choice. Seungmin stood on shaky legs and made his way out of the room, leaving the others in an awkward, tense silence.

“Let’s keep going,” Hyunjin said quietly. “We can’t let him think that we aren’t practicing.”

Minho nodded and resumed the music. They all danced, but only half-heartedly.

As the minutes passed, they all grew more nervous. Jeongin was about to leave the room to check on them when the door opened and Seungmin walked back in, returning to his spot on the couch. He didn’t look different, but something felt different.

“Is everything okay?” Minho asked him after pausing the music again. Seungmin nodded and made eye contact, which assured them. Minho resumed the music.

Jeongin couldn’t stop looking at Seungmin through the mirror. Seungmin wasn’t watching the dance anymore; he was looking at something in his hands, but it didn’t look like a phone. The manager must have given him something.

As more time passed, Jeongin stopped looking at him and focused on his movements. They still had a performance today, sadly, and they had to do well, with or without Seungmin.

When the next break came up, he approached Seungmin to get his water bottle, and there was nothing in the older boy’s hands. Had Jeongin been seeing things? Or did Seungmin put the item away before he could see? Jeongin didn’t want to be nosy, so he didn’t ask. It didn’t seem too important; if it was, Chan would have been notified as well. However, with the way Seungmin’s knee was bouncing relentlessly, there must have been something.

From then until practice ended, Seungmin seemed very subdued yet anxious, which could be due to many things, but Jeongin felt like it had to do with whatever the manager had told him. Jeongin didn’t waste time packing up his things, and Seungmin watched his movements with dull eyes.

“Ready?” Jeongin asked, shouldering his bag and grabbing Seungmin’s. Seungmin nodded and stood slowly, but he didn’t wobble, which was relieving. Jeongin took his hand, intertwining their fingers, and turned to face the other three boys. “We’re off to lunch. Are any of you coming too?”

Jeongin knew that he was with Seungmin all day, but that didn’t mean that their lunch break didn’t overlap with the others’.

“I’ll come!” Hyunjin exclaimed. Jeongin smiled when he saw how excited Hyunjin looked to be spending time with them - to be eating lunch with Seungmin.

Jeongin would never forget how Hyunjin had doubted Seungmin’s love for them. He had thought that his heart had broken as much as it could have back then, but now everything was even worse. Hyunjin still wasn’t spending a lot of time with Seungmin, and Jeongin wasn’t sure how he felt - if he was still doubting Seungmin’s love or not.

Hyunjin had been a little open about it at first. He talked to the others about how Seungmin was acting, how he wasn’t spending time with them, how he didn’t seem to want to be with them anymore. After the meeting where he confronted Seungmin, Hyunjin had stopped being open about it, so they had assumed that he felt better. However, it was obvious that Seungmin was still distancing himself and hiding a lot, so Hyunjin was probably doing the same in order to not make Seungmin - or anyone else - feel worse.

The way that Hyunjin was looking at Seungmin now was something precious. Jeongin could see his desire to help, his pain, his worry, his determination. If anyone would be able to open Seungmin up, it was probably Hyunjin, because he showed his love so openly. Seungmin must have known that Hyunjin loved him dearly.

Jeongin looked at Seungmin, and that inference became unstable. Seungmin wasn’t looking back at either of them, keeping his eyes trained on the floor, his body stiffer than before. His grip tightened around Jeongin’s hand, as if he were silently asking the younger boy to stay closer - as if he didn’t want Hyunjin to be there. Why wouldn’t he want Hyunjin to be there?

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Jeongin squeezed Seungmin’s hand and began rubbing the back of it with his thumb, hoping to provide comfort.

“Okay, hyung,” he said to Hyunjin, whose smile was dropping. “Let’s go, then. We have thirty minutes.”

Hyunjin snagged his own backpack on their way out, walking on Seungmin’s other side. Jeongin felt Seungmin shift closer to him, away from Hyunjin.

Something must have happened - first with Chan, and now with Hyunjin. Jeongin truly had no idea what they might have done to make Seungmin not want to be around them, and they clearly didn’t know either. The only people Seungmin seemed comfortable with were Jisung, Felix, and Jeongin - maybe Changbin as well. He wasn’t super comfortable with Minho, but he wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable either. That was how Jeongin saw it, anyway.

He made eye contact with Hyunjin over Seungmin’s bowed head and gave him a reassuring smile, which was halfway returned.

When they arrived at the cafeteria, they went straight to the counter, not wanting to waste time when they could be resting.

“I’m gonna get bulgogi,” Jeongin announced. “Do you know what you want?”

The question was directed at both of them, but only Hyunjin reacted, humming thoughtfully.

“Probably… Mandu.”

Jeongin couldn’t resist a chuckle. “Of course.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “What about you, Minnie?”

His voice was almost too soft. Seungmin bit his lip, taking plenty of seconds before lifting his free hand and pointing it at his choice. It was noticeably trembling in the air.

Jeongin followed the gesture and sighed. Seungmin wanted a protein shake.

“Okay,” Hyunjin said. “Bulgogi, mandu, and a protein shake?”

Seungmin nodded and faced the floor again. Hyunjin looked at Jeongin and mouthed, “It’s enough.” Jeongin had to agree; a protein smoothie was actually a perfect decision for Seungmin, as it was plenty healthy and would be able to soothe his throat. It wasn’t fulfilling, but Seungmin was willing to consume it.

Hyunjin placed their order, then they found a small, three-person table near the counter. They settled in their seats without speaking, feeling the heavy weight of each other’s anxiety.

“How is your throat doing?” Hyunjin asked, breaking the tension. “Better?”

Seungmin nodded, looking at Jeongin.

“Yeah, he said that it’s better,” he supplied. “The lozenge and antiseptic probably helped.”

Hyunjin nodded along. “Good. I know you’re just dying to get back to your vocal sessions, aren’t you?”

At the sudden question, Seungmin tensed, but he quickly nodded his head as well, straightening his shoulders. Jeongin hadn’t thought about that as much - Seungmin’s need to work, to do something, to improve. He was unable to do so with the current state of his body. He must have been crushed.

Jeongin bravely took Seungmin’s hand again, holding it gently on the table.

“You’ll be back soon,” he assured. “You just have to take care of your body, and you’ll be back in no time.”

Jeongin knew that he was straying away from normalcy and crossing the line the group had drawn, but he couldn’t help it. The others had been avoiding mentioning Seungmin’s body image as much as possible, but at this point, Jeongin thought that it was worth it. There were certain things Seungmin needed to know that only they could talk to him about.

They didn’t know what Seungmin’s mentality was, though, so Jeongin couldn’t say too much. They didn’t know if he was still set on losing weight or if he was going to start eating again - or if he had never wanted to lose weight in the first place and was coerced.

“We’ll be here for you,” he continued, “all of us. We’re taking this at your pace, of course, but we’re also here to help you progress. We love you. If you want help with anything, just let one of us know, and we’ll help, no matter what it is.”

Jeongin watched Seungmin’s expression, searching for one thing: uncertainty, a sign that he needed help with something but didn’t want to ask for it. He first saw indifference, then Seungmin’s lips pursed and his head dropped further.

He suddenly yanked his hand out of Jeongin’s grasp and stood, speed-walking out of the cafeteria without a second thought. Jeongin felt bad, but he knew that Seungmin wasn’t upset with him - because he had seen the uncertainty.

Hyunjin looked very alarmed and stood as well, glancing between Seungmin’s retreating back and Jeongin’s unwavering expression.

“Go,” Jeongin said, jerking his chin in Seungmin’s direction. Hyunjin nodded and started walking away, not saying a word.

Jeongin sat there for a few minutes before their food was ready, and he got up to retrieve it. He returned to the table with a heavy sigh.

He knew that what he did was a little wrong, but he didn’t regret it. He had tried hinting at Eunseo’s involvement in Seungmin’s situation, and he thought that Seungmin understood that, which was why he had run away.

The real reason he didn’t regret it was the uncertainty. It showed him that Seungmin was hiding something big from them. Every sign was pointing at Eunseo - sans what had happened during the meeting - and Jeongin wanted to get to the bottom of it, as did everyone else.

He waited for Hyunjin and Seungmin before eating his food. Fifteen minutes passed before they arrived, which meant that they had about ten minutes left of their lunch break, but Jeongin could eat in the vocal room if necessary and Seungmin just had a shake; Hyunjin could probably eat afterwards as well.

When they entered the cafeteria, Seungmin’s arms were completely covered by his sleeves, and he was hugging himself again. Hyunjin’s hand was on his back, rubbing up and down, and his eyes were more than concerned.

“Is everything okay?” Jeongin asked as they sat down, not targeting this time. Hyunjin nodded.

“Yeah, it’s okay. We just had some emotions to let out.”

If Jeongin looked closely, he could see the pink tint to Hyunjin’s eyes, which wasn’t totally surprising. Jeongin didn’t mention it. If he looked closely at Seungmin, he could see the shimmer of his eyes, the blush on his cheeks, and hear small sniffles. He didn’t mention that either.

They dug into their food without another word, trying to eat quickly. Seungmin didn’t reach for his drink at first, and no one rushed him. When he finally wrapped his hands around it, he tried to sneak a glance at Jeongin, only to find the maknae looking right back at him. His eyes flickered away, and he lifted the straw up to his lips, taking a small, slow sip.

When their break was over, Jeongin had one-third of his dish left, Hyunjin was finished - as he had had a smaller serving - and Seungmin’s shake had lowered two centimeters. That was better than zero.

“It’s time to go,” Jeongin announced, standing. Hyunjin followed suit, but Seungmin didn’t. “We’ll finish in the vocal room, okay, hyung? He won’t mind.”

Seungmin finally stood, following Jeongin as he and Hyunjin began to leave. Jeongin was pleased to find that Seungmin wasn’t shifting away from Hyunjin anymore, and it made him wonder what had happened during those fifteen minutes; he would have to ask Hyunjin later.

Hyunjin had to go to the other side of the building for his schedule, so after rubbing both of their shoulders - not too fond of the idea of kissing in public - he left with a parting smile. Jeongin took Seungmin’s hand again and led him through the hallways.

He was starting to feel worse for making Seungmin cry, so he initiated a small, normal conversation about a song that SEVENTEEN had released the week before. He asked Seungmin if he had watched the music video, and Seungmin shook his head.

“I’ll have to show it to you! It was really good. The MV was so bright and colorful… It can really cheer anyone up. I loved the animals in it, and they were in the countryside. The horses were wearing sunglasses! It was so creative. I think Minho hyung and Hyunjin hyung have learned the dance already. It’s SEVENTEEN, so you know the dance was amazing.”

Seungmin didn’t smile or look at all interested. It was upsetting, but Jeongin had to be prepared for that.

They reached the vocal studio just as he finished talking. When they entered, Jaehyung was sitting on the couch with a few sheets of paper. Jeongin didn’t always see him, as he was mostly Seungmin’s instructor, but he did on occasions, and this was an occasion.

“Hey, boys,” he greeted with a smile. “How’s your day been so far?”

“Good,” Jeongin replied, sitting on the opposite couch with Seungmin. “Hyung and I came in a bit late, so we’ve just had dance practice and lunch.”

Jaehyung nodded. “That’s good to hear. I heard you were at the hospital last night. Did that go alright? What needed to be done?”

Jaehyung heard that they had been at the hospital, but he didn’t know what for. Jeongin felt like he should have been told by the manager.

“He had an endoscopy. The doctor said that he has a tear in his throat, but it should heal in about a week. And he said that he’s feeling better.”

Jaehyung nodded, pursing his lips in thought. He looked at Seungmin.

“I’m glad that you’re feeling better. Don’t worry about what you’re missing, because I’ll help you catch up if you need it, but I have a feeling that you won’t need help. You’ve always been good at maintaining your voice when your throat is sore. Your members will help you too, especially with dancing. What will you be doing during the performance? Do you guys know?”

Jeongin answered, “He’ll be back at the dorm since he wasn’t given a schedule to fill the slot.”

“Okay. It’ll be good for you to get some rest.”

Seungmin nodded, acknowledging. He seemed a little more relaxed now, likely due to being in the presence of Jaehyung and in the studio. Jaehyung had proven himself time and time again to be a kind, trustworthy staff member, and Seungmin loved singing.

Seeing the food in Jeongin’s hands, Jaehyung told him to eat and take his time. He turned to Seungmin in the meantime.

“Is that good?” he asked, pointing at Seungmin’s drink, which hadn’t been drunk since they were sitting down. Seungmin nodded. “Yeah, I haven’t had one of those in years, but I remember them being good. The other idols here I’ve worked with get them a lot too because they’re a good source of energy, especially as a sort-of afternoon snack.”

Jeongin listened as he ate. He had never appreciated Jaehyung more than he had in the last two days.

Before Jeongin began his lesson, Jaehyung gave Seungmin a notebook and pencil and tasked him with taking notes - on what Jeongin did well, what he needed to improve, and anything else he noticed. Seungmin noticeably perked up and paid more attention, and Jeongin smiled silently.

The hours passed by too quickly. Seungmin’s anxiety had diminished greatly now that he was working, which caused Jeongin to feel less stressed, so he sang more fluidly.

Halfway through the lesson, Seungmin showed Jeongin what he had written down, and it mostly contained compliments with only a few constructive criticisms about his tone or posture.

“Really good.”

It took Jeongin a moment to realize that the raspy voice was coming from the boy whose shoulder was pressed into his. He looked up at Seungmin, smiling.

“Your voice sounds a little better than this morning,” Jeongin murmured. The moment felt intimate, and Jeongin savored it. He cautiously placed a hand on Seungmin’s knee, and the older boy shifted away slightly, but ultimately stayed close - a good sign.

Jaehyung told them to take a break, so Jeongin drank his water and checked his phone while Seungmin sipped at his shake, which still hadn’t been touched. Taking notes and talking to Jeongin must have made him feel a little better, so he felt more like drinking it.

Jeongin had a text from Chan and Felix, each asking how the day had gone. He quickly replied that everything went well - leaving out the part about Seungmin running away. He sent Hyunjin a text, asking what had happened then, figuring he could get it out of the way now. Hyunjin didn’t answer before the miniature break ended, which wasn’t a big deal.

They finished the vocal lesson the same way they had started it. When it was over, Jeongin didn’t want it to end, because it was the most at peace he and Seungmin had felt recently, but he had to leave for the performance. He had received a text from Chan reminding him that Seungmin would be going to the dorm for the rest of the day.

The frustrating part was that Jeongin didn’t have time to go to the dorm before going to the performance, so he couldn’t accompany Seungmin. After what had happened when Eunseo walked Seungmin to the 3RACHA studio - according to her, at least - no one wanted Seungmin going anywhere alone or with her again.

“I’ll drive him,” Jaehyung said. “I have the next half-hour off, so I have time.”

Jeongin was filled with relief. “Thank you, hyung, really.”

Jaehyung nodded, and they all gathered their things to leave. Seungmin threw away his protein shake, as he had drunk three-fourths of it, which was enough. Jeongin made sure to hold his hand again to comfort both of them and assure Seungmin that he was there.

He walked with them until they reached the front doors. Jaehyung said that he would go get the car, giving Seungmin and Jeongin a moment alone. Jeongin looked at Seungmin, and the older boy looked back. His previous anxiety was beginning to show.

“I love you,” Jeongin whispered, holding both of his hands now. “Let us know if you need anything. Make sure to drink water, maybe tea too. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and pantry, so if you’re feeling up for it, you can make anything for dinner.”

He made sure to say “if you’re feeling up for it,” as Seungmin had done very well today and didn’t need to be pushed too much.

Seungmin nodded, and his breath hitched. Jeongin pressed a quick kiss to his lips and cheek, then pulled back as he saw the car arrive.

“I’ll see you tonight,” he whispered. Seungmin nodded again, then he turned around and walked out of the building. Jeongin’s nerves spiked just from being so far away from Seungmin, from knowing that Seungmin wasn’t with one of their boyfriends. He reminded himself that Jaehyung was trusted.

As he made his way to the 3RACHA studio, where they were supposed to meet, he couldn’t help but think that the day had gone much better than he had expected; the way Seungmin had interacted with him felt special, and although Seungmin hadn’t enjoyed Hyunjin’s presence at first, that ended up changing for the better.

From this point forward, Jeongin knew that things would get better.

Chapter Text

Seungmin was having a bad day. He was exhausted after being at the hospital late last night (despite getting more sleep than the others) and nothing was going his way. His breakfast looked gross and tasted bland, but he forced himself to eat enough to satisfy Jeongin.

Dance practice was probably the worst part of the day. It was fine when he was observing his members, but when the manager appeared, he knew that it was about to change.

He followed the manager into the hallway, and once the door closed, he noticed a second presence. Eunseo.

“How are you feeling?” the manager asked. Seungmin glanced at Eunseo, who was smiling weirdly, and lifted a hand to make a so-so motion. “You can’t talk?”

Seungmin shook his head, looking at his shoes. Did the manager not know? He must have.

The manager sighed. “Listen, Seungmin. I know that you have a lot going on right now, but so do the rest of us and your group. Your comeback is supposed to be announced in a week. You know that, right?”

Seungmin nodded, gulping.

“Here’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to monitor your voice for the rest of the week and see what we can do about it. We’ll push back the comeback announcement one week so that we have more wiggle room. But that means that you need to take care of your voice, okay? It can’t get any worse.”

It sounded like a threat. Seungmin’s eyes flickered to Eunseo, but her stern glare only made him feel more ridden with guilt. As the people taking care of him, shouldn’t they have been more concerned with his health than his performance? Seungmin didn’t want anyone to think that he was ill or broken, but he didn’t want them to not care about him either.

“Since you aren’t performing today and you’ll be at home, I’m expecting you to either study technique - singing or dancing - or make something soothing for your throat. We don’t have a lot of time to waste here, Seungmin.”

Seungmin nodded again.

“Go back in and help your members. Maybe learn something from them too.”

The way he spoke was so demeaning. Seungmin already felt like he didn’t deserve his spot in the group with his boyfriends; why did the manager have to rub it in and make him seem so unworthy?

The manager started walking away, but before Seungmin could reach the door handle, Eunseo stepped in front of him and held out her hand. She didn’t speak, but she raised an eyebrow, so Seungmin took the item without a thought.

As she left his sight, he looked down. It was a small piece of paper that had been folded in half twice, like there was a hidden message inside. Seungmin slowly unfolded it, unable to stop his fingers from trembling.

In neat handwriting, he read: This isn’t over.

His blood ran cold.

It still wasn’t over. She wanted him to keep going despite the fact that he had been hospitalized twice. He truly didn’t think he could go any further without breaking into tiny pieces, reduced to fragments of himself - as if he wasn’t broken enough already.

He took a deep, shaky breath. At first, it had all seemed doable - losing a little weight, slimming himself down just enough to wear Eunseo’s clothes. Now, however, things had escalated way further than he had expected, and he still couldn’t comprehend what was going on. It was difficult to realize how much he had changed for the worse. But after seeing his boyfriends’ behavior, as well as the manager’s, Jaehyung’s, and Eunseo’s, he knew that he had changed a lot, both physically and mentally.

He wondered what she was expecting next. She knew that he had gained some weight back and that it would be nearly impossible for him to lose more with everyone’s eyes on him, so what did she mean by this isn’t over? Seungmin truly didn’t know what he could do for her now, and having an unknown future was terrifying.

He took a minute to stabilize his breathing, because reentering the practice room in shambles would definitely not help his case. His boyfriends were skeptical enough as it was. When he opened the door and returned to the couch, he kept the note secure and hidden between his fingers.

“Is everything okay?” Minho asked, pausing the music. Seungmin made hesitant eye contact and nodded. He received a smile, then looked away again while the music resumed.

Seungmin couldn’t pay attention to the dance anymore. Anxiety was filling his body, and he stared at the words in his hand, his brain running a million kilometers per hour.

He wondered what would happen if he said no. Would she be okay with that? She definitely wouldn’t be. Seungmin didn’t have a choice.

He shook his head slightly. He did have a choice, and he knew that deep down. It was just easier to say yes rather than deal with the consequences of saying no. But what exactly would Eunseo do if he said no? Force him to throw up again, yell at him, slap him, complain to the manager? Now that Seungmin thought about it, those didn’t seem all that bad - nor possible, not with his boyfriends around.

He also knew that he could just tell his boyfriends, but it was too scary. He could only imagine their faces - horrified, angry, guilty, sad, worried, hurt, betrayed. They had been asking Seungmin about Eunseo, so he knew that they thought something was up with her. He just didn’t know what they knew.

The image Changbin had shown him was still fresh in his mind. His boyfriends thought that those were his measurements, and they weren’t wrong - and he was pretty sure that they knew that. He was surprised that they weren’t asking him about it more, though. If they wanted to know what was going on, why wouldn’t they just ask?

As practice came to an end, Seungmin stuffed the note into his pocket, not wanting anyone to see it. He felt Jeongin’s piercing gaze on him, analyzing him, and it made him stiffen. When Hyunjin said that he would join them for lunch, he stiffened even further.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with Hyunjin; it was that he knew that Hyunjin was still upset with him for everything he had done, from rejecting their love to lying to them. Hyunjin hadn’t forgiven him, and even after Seungmin had promised that he would stop pulling away from them, he didn’t stop. He had broken a promise. He could practically see the disappointment radiating off of Hyunjin every time they made eye contact and feel it every time they were in the same room.

Seungmin tried not to look at the older boy as they walked to the cafeteria, which was easy. The difficult part was choosing what to eat. After receiving Eunseo’s message, he was worried that eating too much would backfire later - if he were to actually continue with their regimen - not to mention his sore throat. He could probably eat a good amount of the options present on the menu, but he pointed at a smoothie instead. Jeongin had seemed lenient today, and Seungmin was relieved that he didn’t have to stomach real food.

“How is your throat doing?” Hyunjin asked suddenly. “Better?”

Naturally, Seungmin looked up at him, but he regretted it when he saw the pain in Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin was hurt because of him - and so was Chan, and Jisung, and Felix, and everyone in the group.

Seungmin mustered up a nod and looked toward Jeongin instead. Jeongin didn’t look hurt - more inquisitive and worried than anything else, but either way, Seungmin was still disrupting his life in a bad way.

“Yeah, he told me that it’s better,” Jeongin said for him. “The lozenge and antiseptic probably helped.”

“Good. I know you’re just dying to get back to your vocal sessions, aren’t you?”

Seungmin tensed and nodded without a second thought. He was dying to get back to vocal lessons, because that would mean that everything was back to normal, he was able to sing, able to work. His skills were collecting dust every second he spent sitting and lying down, not using his vocal cords. If his singing and dancing abilities worsened, he would be a bad idol, a bad member, a bad boyfriend. He really wanted to get back to work.

Jeongin’s hand found his, his grip gentle and light.

“You’ll be back soon,” he assured. “You just have to take care of your body, and you’ll be back in no time.”

Seungmin didn’t like this topic.

“We’ll be here for you,” Jeongin continued, “all of us. We’re taking this at your pace, of course, but we’re also here to help you progress. We love you. If you want help with anything, just let one of us know, and we’ll help, no matter what it is.”

His words hit a little too close to home. They wanted to help him progress, which meant that he was falling behind and unable to pick himself back up without assistance - or, that he was a burden. He knew that they loved him, but that didn’t mean that they were happy with him.

Jeongin always seemed to be two steps ahead of everyone else when it came to Seungmin. He had known that Seungmin had issues with eating and losing weight despite Seungmin thinking that he had everything under wraps.

And now, Jeongin sounded like he knew that Seungmin needed help with something - something other than his “eating disorder.” Truthfully, Seungmin did need help with something, but it was something that his boyfriends weren’t supposed to know about. He didn’t know if he would be able to talk to them about any of it.

The scariest part was that his boyfriends already had an inkling about the situation - either that, or they knew. They weren’t talking to Seungmin about her unless it was to ask questions, and every time Seungmin heard her name, he would clam up and fumble his words and thoughts. The continuous interrogation was enough to tell him that his boyfriends knew. They had to know.

Them knowing could be both good and bad, Seungmin knew that, but he kept thinking about the bad.

His head was too full. Jeongin’s stare was too intense, and the way Hyunjin fidgeted with his shirt showed his concern - because he knew what Jeongin was talking about.

Feeling so conflicted mentally on top of the physical aches and pains was overwhelming. He shot up out of his seat and ripped his hand away from Jeongin’s, turning around and fleeing from the cafeteria without looking back.

He went in a random direction, because he didn’t have a destination. He just had to get away from the situation, from the thoughts and feelings, from the torment, from his boyfriends.

He turned a corner, and when he saw that it was an empty hallway, he stopped. He leaned against the wall to catch his breath.

He thought back to Eunseo - the person who had started this whole thing. She wanted him to continue, but he didn’t want to continue. He finally made up his mind and decided that he couldn’t continue.

How was he supposed to go about that? He knew that the moment he tried to say no to Eunseo, he would cower instead. He couldn’t stand up to her like that, not after the way she had treated him last time he said no - and every other time he had failed her.

The answer was obvious. The answer was what Jeongin - and presumably the others - wanted. But it was scary.

A hand touched his shoulder, and he jumped, spinning around. It was Hyunjin. Seungmin couldn’t avoid eye contact this time.

“Hey, hey,” Hyunjin whispered, retracting his hands. “We… We didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry. We just want to help, but we don’t know how.”

Seungmin knew that. A tear slid down his cheek, and Hyunjin reached up to wipe it away, keeping his hand there even as Seungmin tensed and shifted uncomfortably.

“Listen to me.” Hyunjin went so far as to press their foreheads together, and Seungmin felt entirely exposed, but Hyunjin was being so gentle that it was easy to succumb to his touch. “We love you. You know that we love you. I—we don’t know what you’re running away from, if it’s us or work or… or yourself, but we’re sticking by your side no matter what. So come to us.”

Seungmin remembered how neither Hyunjin nor Minho had told him that they loved him the night before, which of course had led to a little insecurity, but with the way Hyunjin was speaking now, the insecurities nearly vanished.

“We’ve talked about this before, haven’t we? During our little meeting in the studio last week. You were pushing us away. I’m not upset with you or anything, no one is, but you said that you would stop pushing. Minnie… You didn’t stop. And, honestly, it’s understandable, because you're going through a lot right now, but that doesn’t make it okay. We’re your boyfriends, which means that we care about you and love you and want to be with you. I know… I know that you love us too. I’m not worried about that anymore. But it’s worrying that you’re closing yourself off from the people you love. I hope you can understand that.”

Seungmin’s tears weren’t stopping, and neither were Hyunjin’s thumbs. A couple of tears fell down Hyunjin’s cheeks as well, but they were quickly forgotten.

When Hyunjin had appeared behind him in the hallway, Seungmin hadn’t expected him to do this - to speak so smoothly and straightforwardly about the most sensitive topic there was right now. But the way that Hyunjin laid everything out for him, delved into points that no one had had the guts to get into yet, offered constant reassurance, and made everything sound so simple was calming.

Most importantly, Hyunjin said that he wasn’t upset with Seungmin for pushing them away and that he was no longer doubting Seungmin’s love for them. Had Seungmin been worried about Hyunjin’s disappointment for no reason?

Seungmin still felt horrible for how he had been treating them, and that emotion was never going to leave, but this conversation almost felt like a turning point. His boyfriends were suffering so much because Seungmin refused to talk to them. Everything was urging Seungmin to be honest and open with them - everything except for Eunseo and the small paper in his pocket.

Hyunjin sighed softly, one hand slipping to the back of Seungmin’s head to toy with the hairs on his nape. The sensation made Seungmin shiver.

“You don’t have to do anything right now,” Hyunjin murmured. “You can always write something down if you can’t say it, okay? Even if your throat is healed and you can talk, you don’t have to. We want the best for you. Understand?”

Seungmin just nodded. Hyunjin kissed him, and it was deep - not like the quick pecks Seungmin had been receiving recently. After a few seconds, Seungmin kissed back, so overwhelmed by everything that he couldn’t think. Neither of them was worried about being seen by someone, too caught up in the moment and being in a secluded area.

The kiss was different from all of the other kisses Seungmin had experienced in his life. This one was filled with more passion, and not the sexual kind - the caring, adoring, loving kind. Hyunjin poured his love into Seungmin without holding back.

Eventually, the kiss ended, and they both panted to catch their breath. They made eye contact, and Hyunjin smiled, brushing the bangs off of Seungmin’s forehead.

“Let’s go back, yeah?” he whispered. He took Seungmin’s hand and led him back into the cafeteria, to their table where Jeongin sat with the untouched food. Seungmin was a little embarrassed, so he kept his head down.

“Is everything okay?” Jeongin asked.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” Hyunjin responded. “We just had some emotions to let out.”

Seungmin appreciated the “we.”

Hyunjin and Jeongin began eating, but Seungmin didn’t pick his drink up. The change in environment helped clear his mind, and now he was thinking about everything Hyunjin had said, everything Jeongin had said, everything everyone had said. It was a lot to work through.

He knew that he couldn’t wait forever, so he soon began to drink his smoothie. It typically had a good, vanilla taste, but Seungmin still found it to be too bland and dry. He didn’t know why not eating had caused his taste buds to become nonexistent, but he hoped that improved soon, because he wasn’t sure if he could live like this forever.

Seungmin was nowhere near done when their lunch break was over, but that was okay. He didn’t try to rush himself. He stopped leaning into Jeongin’s space and allowed himself to be closer to Hyunjin, knowing that Hyunjin wasn’t upset with him.

Jeongin started a conversation after Hyunjin left. It was about SEVENTEEN’s comeback that Seungmin hadn’t even heard of. He should have spent more time checking his notifications and YouTube.

“I’ll have to show it to you! It was really good. The MV was so bright and colorful… It can really cheer anyone up. I loved the animals in it, and they were in the countryside. The horses were wearing sunglasses! It was so creative. I think Minho hyung and Hyunjin hyung have learned the dance already. It’s SEVENTEEN, so you know the dance was amazing.”

Jeongin sounded excited, but Seungmin couldn’t muster up the same emotion. He barely reacted and hoped that Jeongin wasn’t disappointed.

When they greeted Jaehyung, the instructor looked up from the couch with a smile. Seungmin only held eye contact for a few seconds before shifting his gaze to the wall.

“Hey, boys. How’s your day been so far?”

“Good,” Jeongin replied. He sat down on the opposite couch, and Seungmin followed. “Hyung and I came in a bit late, so we’ve just had dance practice and lunch.”

“That’s good to hear. I heard you were at the hospital last night. Did that go alright? What needed to be done?”

Anxiety gripped Seungmin’s chest. He didn’t want to talk about that at all. He wished that Jaehyung already knew so they could just get on with the lesson - the lesson that Seungmin couldn’t even participate in.

“He had an endoscopy. The doctor said that he has a tear in his throat, but it should heal in about a week. And he said that he’s feeling better.”

Jaehyung nodded and looked at Seungmin, who glanced up to gauge the instructor’s emotions. He couldn’t decipher his expression.

“I’m glad that you’re feeling better. Don’t worry about what you’re missing, because I’ll help you catch up if you need it, but I have a feeling that you won’t need help. You’ve always been good at maintaining your voice when your throat is sore. Your members will help you too, especially with dancing. What will you be doing during the performance? Do you guys know?”

Jeongin answered, “He’ll be back at the dorm since he wasn’t given a schedule to fill the slot.”

“Okay. It’ll be good for you to get some rest.”

Seungmin nodded to show that he was listening. He liked the thought of being back at the dorm, away from the people who were involved with his problems and judging him - away from everyone, where he could be truly alone for the first time in the last few days.

Jaehyung told Jeongin to eat and turned back to Seungmin.

“Is that good?” he asked, pointing at Seungmin’s drink. Seungmin nodded, not caring that he was lying; it would probably be good to anyone else if they drank it. “Yeah, I haven’t had one of those in years, but I remember them being good. The other idols here I’ve worked with get them a lot too because they’re a good source of energy, especially as a sort-of afternoon snack.”

Seungmin nodded again to acknowledge Jaehyung. Energy would be nice.

Jaehyung gave Seungmin a notebook and pencil and told him to take notes during Jeongin’s lesson. Seungmin was surprised that he could work, so he took the notebook. This was his chance to do something good for his group. He wanted to help Jeongin, seeing as the maknae had spent the whole day with him.

Seungmin found his anxiety level decreasing more with every stroke of the pencil on the paper. Focusing on someone else’s technique - someone who was actually younger and less experienced than Seungmin himself - was soothing, as he was able to pick out their errors and not think about his own.

When Seungmin showed Jeongin what he had written down, the maknae almost looked happy and proud that Seungmin had kept track of his mistakes. Making Jeongin proud was something Seungmin really, really wanted to do, so he took a deep breath and whispered, “Really good.”

Jeongin smiled at him. “Your voice sounds a little better than this morning.”

He suddenly placed a hand on Seungmin’s knee, and the older boy shifted away from shock, but he didn’t go too far. A hand on his knee was okay; it felt like a “safe spot,” if Seungmin were to think of a term to describe it. He wondered if Jeongin knew that already.

Seungmin took a few sips of his shake during their short break while Jeongin checked his phone. He seemed to have new messages, and Seungmin wondered if he did as well, but he decided not to check. Pulling his phone out of his pocket seemed like a lot of work, especially if it were only to find discouraging news. His notifications could wait.

The vocal lesson finally ended a little while later, and Seungmin’s comfortability hadn’t left. He enjoyed this environment more than he had thought he would.

Jeongin announced that he was unable to accompany Seungmin back to the dorm due to the performance, and Jaehyung offered to drive him. Jeongin looked and sounded eternally grateful for the older man. Seungmin still didn’t like that he needed a chaperone, but if it made his boyfriends feel more at ease, he had to put up with it, and Jaehyung wasn’t a bad choice. He definitely preferred Jaehyung over Eunseo.

Seungmin didn’t finish his drink before he threw it away, but Jeongin didn’t comment on it, so he must have consumed enough. Jeongin held his hand as they left the studio and headed toward the front of the building, and Seungmin found himself growing a little anxious at the thought of losing that warmth. He wanted to be alone at the dorm, but he still appreciated Jeongin’s touch.

Jaehyung left to get the car, and Jeongin looked at Seungmin.

“I love you,” Jeongin whispered, holding both of his hands now. “Let us know if you need anything. Make sure to drink water, maybe tea too. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and pantry, so if you’re feeling up for it, you can make anything for dinner.”

Seungmin nodded, trying to hide the way his breath hitched. Jeongin was so sweet, so caring, so thoughtful, so attentive - almost overly so. But he said that Seungmin could make dinner if he felt up for it. He wasn’t expecting Seungmin to make a meal, so Seungmin didn’t feel pressured.

Jeongin pressed a quick kiss to his lips and cheek, then pulled back as he saw the car arrive.

“I’ll see you tonight,” he whispered. Seungmin nodded again, then he turned around and walked out of the building before he could overthink. He climbed into the passenger seat, and Jaehyung waited until he was buckled in before driving off.

Jaehyung didn’t speak during the short car ride, waiting until he was parked outside of the dorm building.

“I’ll be available tonight while your members are performing, so you can text me if you need anything. Okay?”

Seungmin nodded and gulped. Jaehyung was sweet too.

He got out of the car, quietly thanked Jaehyung, and made his way into the building. He felt uneasy for some reason, which urged him to hasten his steps. The silence and emptiness surrounding him was almost overwhelming.

He pulled his keys out of his backpack and opened the door to their dorm with a shaky hand. He wasn’t sure why it was shaking - from anxiety, weakness, hunger, all of the above.

Hunger was a tricky concept. Seungmin knew that his body was hungry, as his stomach was constantly growling at him, wanting to be filled; however, he was not hungry. Food sounded disgusting no matter what it was. Such a low appetite could be a cause for concern, but with everything else going on, he didn’t really care. He knew that it was a real problem, though.

The dorm was way too quiet. As he walked to his room, he played music on his phone - not too loud, but not too quiet. Enough to make him feel less tiny in this big world.

He paused after setting his bag down, simply standing still. He wasn’t sure what to do now. He ran a hand through his hair, and when he realized that it was greasy, he grimaced. Why had no one told him? He probably hadn’t showered in a few days, since the hospital visits had begun. He hoped he didn’t stink.

Still not checking his notifications, he got ready to take a shower. As he started taking off his clothes, he was suddenly aware of himself in a way he usually wasn’t. He hadn’t felt this way during his other showers, and that probably had something to do with what had transpired in the last few days. Without the baggy clothes to cover himself, he felt - to put it simply - gross, and not due to his lack of bathing.

He kept his eyes high, fixated on the corner where the wall met the ceiling as he got out a new, clean outfit: a hoodie, sweatpants, and crew socks - nothing less.

He grabbed a towel and left for the bathroom. He turned on the water to let it warm up, hung up his towel, and stood on the chilly tiles, crossing his arms as he waited. His hands wrapped around his elbows, and they felt weirdly pointy. The ribs underneath his forearms felt too prominent.

Before he could stop himself, he lifted an arm to take a quick glance at it, forgetting that the mirror above the sink was directly in front of him. His eyes caught on his reflection instead, and his breaths quickened, his body trembling again.

He hadn’t looked at himself in a long time, always being careful around mirrors. He understood why he did that.

Just one second of looking made him feel sick - sicker. All of his bones were protruding more than they should have, his broad shoulders looked awkward, his waist was somehow smaller than before, his hip bones jutted out. Even his wrists looked thinner.

Why had Eunseo wanted him to look like this? Would he look better clothed? He wasn’t so sure. He didn’t think there was any outfit in her wardrobe that could fix this.

He fell back against the wall and sank down until all he could see was the vanity. The air in the bathroom was too cold, making it difficult to suck in a breath. His head dropped, and he looked at himself again. Hideous.

Seungmin had never hated himself more. He shouldn’t have done this.

He finally understood why everyone thought that he was ill. He still didn’t think that he had an eating disorder, but he looked frail, like the simple flick of a finger would be enough to send him toppling over.

He buried his face in his knees and wrapped his arms around them, squeezing as tightly as he could. He spilled even more tears and lost even more of his breath. Everything was just too much, and he still didn’t know what to do, how to fix it in the best way possible.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but it was enough time for him to nearly pass out twice and to feel like he couldn’t stand. His breaths were still unstable, but they were there. His tears had stopped as well, leaving a gaping hole in his chest.

Once again, his brain was too foggy to process things, so he crawled into the shower and closed the glass door. He sat on the floor and allowed the cold water to cascade over him. He didn’t care enough to make it warmer.

The simplest conclusion was that he was unfixable. He was going to look like this for the rest of his idol career, if not his life, and he wouldn’t be allowed to perform anymore because of how disgusting he would look on stage, surrounded by talented, gorgeous, fit idols. He remembered the night where he had been so hungry that he needed to eat something, but after consuming an entire bowl of cereal, he had felt absolutely no different. No matter how much he ate, he was never going to look or feel any better.

He wondered how his boyfriends would react if they saw him. They would definitely notice the difference from a month ago to now, and they would definitely hate it. He was positive that they loved him for who he was rather than his body, as he didn’t care for sex and rarely had it with anyone. Nonetheless, his body was what they would be looking at whenever they were with him, so they had to like it. If they didn’t like it…

Seungmin didn’t want to think about that. He knew that they wouldn’t like it.

After a few more minutes of wasted water, he reached up and pumped shampoo into his palm. He washed his hair slowly, trying to get every part of every strand. He was in no rush, but he did want to cover himself up, so he moved a little quicker when he got to the conditioner.

His shower lasted a total of eight minutes. He hoped he washed everything; he hated running his hands over his body, but it was necessary, so he tried to push through it.

He held onto the metal bar on the wall and pulled himself up, but his vision darkened so severely that he was sure he was going to pass out, hit his head on something, and be found in a few hours by his boyfriends, who would see his vulnerable body as it was. However, his vision returned after a few seconds, and he was still standing. It must have been a miracle.

He opened the door and grabbed his towel, briefly drying his hair before drying his body and wrapping it around his torso. He stepped out of the shower and left the bathroom, leaning onto the wall for support. Why was it always bathrooms wherein he broke down and hated himself the most?

Almost desperate, he went to his bed and yanked the clothes on. Once his head popped through the hoodie, shrouded by the hood, and everything was covered, he felt himself deflate. He collapsed onto his bed, curling up and hugging himself. He snagged a stray throw blanket from the foot of his bed and covered himself with that as well, tucking it underneath his body. The security was something he needed, and he was surprised at how much better he felt. He was surprised that he felt better like this than when he was in his boyfriends’ arms.

He wasn’t tired enough to sleep, but he finally felt himself calming down, so he didn’t move. He shivered from the solid comfort despite how warm he was. He realized that the music was still playing, which helped as well.

When he finally felt better, he stretched, relieving his muscles. He glanced at his clock and saw that it was nearing six o’clock. He had probably been at the dorm for about two hours. He didn’t care about the wasted time.

He blindly reached for his phone. It was nearly fully charged due to not being used - and thanks to Minho last night - and there were a lot of messages on the lock screen from their eight-person group chat, Chan, Jisung, and Jeongin. Seungmin skimmed through them, not planning on responding unless it was urgent. The chats in the group chat mostly pertained to him, but they were just information about their schedules.

From Chan, it was a reminder about his schedule, and nothing else - nothing to show what he was thinking or feeling, which left everything up to Seungmin’s imagination.

From Jisung, there were a few gifs and movie recommendations for while he was at the dorm alone. The final message included an “I love you” statement, which was nice.

From Jeongin, there was one text that basically repeated what he had told Seungmin before they parted - another reminder, but unlike Chan’s, this one was about taking care of himself by resting and drinking water.

Suddenly, a new message appeared. It was from Hyunjin.

We’re going on stage in five minutes. Jeonginnie is going to cover your parts, okay? He said that you were really helpful during the vocal lesson earlier, so he’s confident. Don’t forget about what I told you, alright? Because it was all true.

Seungmin hadn’t forgotten. Now that he was so calm, he thought back to that moment in the hallway, where Hyunjin had laid his feelings out at Seungmin’s feet despite knowing that there was a risk of them being stepped on. Hyunjin had been brave, reassuring him and giving him options.

An option Hyunjin had given was writing things down rather than saying them. Seungmin’s throat felt better to the point where he would be able to piece together a few words, but he didn’t feel like talking - and not just because of his secrets. He simply didn’t want to speak. There were alternatives to that.

He also didn’t want to leave his comfortable cocoon, but he stretched his body out slightly and leaned toward his bedside table, reaching into the drawer and taking out something he hadn't seen in quite a while: his journal.

A few months ago, Seungmin had been very into journaling. He would log everything he did every day, and his boyfriends always teased him about it, but there was nothing malicious beneath their words. It was a calming routine for him, and it made him feel more satisfied with himself at the end of the day, especially on days where he had a lot of good things to write down. But then their schedules became busier, so their days ended later, and they didn’t have enough energy to do more than brush their teeth and snuggle into their beds. At first, Seungmin had been upset that he didn’t have time to journal, but he eventually stopped thinking about it. He hadn’t touched the notebook ever since.

Now, there had been so much going on in his life that he couldn’t keep track. Journaling was a good way to remember what he did each day and what ideas he might have had for the future.

He lifted himself up on an elbow and flipped the book open. The last day he had recorded was a little over two months ago, and there wasn’t much written, but the final sentence stated that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to write for the next few days. That had been proven correct.

Seungmin also grabbed a pen from the table, then sat up with his blanket, feeling a little determined to do something - but he didn’t know what. What was he supposed to write about?

There were many options. His performance in general, what he and Eunseo had been doing together, his feelings regarding his boyfriends, his feelings about himself. He didn’t know how to put any of it into words, though.

He hesitantly pressed the tip of the pen against the paper, filling in the date. Then he set it on the first line, writing without thinking.

I’m sorry.

Well, that was one way to go.

Something ignited inside of him, and his hand continued moving, his shaky handwriting taking up each line. He wrote whatever came to mind and didn’t bother to think about it first; there was no point.

He wrote and wrote and wrote until his wrist and knuckles hurt. When he pulled the pen away, he flipped back to the first page - the first of three. He had written three pages, and he wasn’t even sure what was on them. He started reading from the beginning, focusing on the words.

Somehow, he had ended up writing an apology letter. That was what he saw it as, at least, and it was definitely directed toward his boyfriends. He had written three pages worth of an apology, but he knew that three were nowhere near enough.

The apology outlined how sorry he felt, why he hadn’t come to them, and a little bit of what had happened - just the physical feelings. What it was missing was Eunseo.

If this were an actual apology, he would have to mention her at least once. She was the cause of the situation, after all. But the thought of telling someone about her was still scary, no matter how much his mind was screaming at him to say something. They already thought that she was involved.

He couldn’t breathe again, but he wrote more anyway. He wrote about the day everything had begun, how he had seen Eunseo multiple times and each time she needed his measurements, how she gave him assignments, how he had stopped eating because of her and not himself, how he didn’t know what to do and was terrified, and how terribly sorry he was for everything, so much so that he couldn’t put it into words.

By the end, a couple of tears had dripped onto the page, but he didn’t care. It felt more like he was writing a journal entry, not a letter, which made it easier to leave his emotions on the paper.

He spent the next twenty minutes rereading everything. There was so much more that he hadn’t included, but there was also so much that he had included. Recapping what he had gone through made him feel stupid and worthless. He shouldn’t have been so worked up constantly over something like this - something so simple. If he didn’t want to do what Eunseo wanted him to do, why didn’t he just ignore her? Why didn’t he tell someone? Why did he go along with it even while it hurt him and those around him?

He pushed out a breath. He tightened the hood around his face and slouched, trying to hide from the world. It didn’t work.

It took a few minutes, but he came up with an idea, and after another ten, he knew that he should do it. He knew that he had to tell someone else so that he didn’t have to listen to Eunseo anymore.

He reminded himself that his boyfriends already knew that she was involved. The paper they had shown him contained more than half of the problem. They already knew, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to tell them, no matter how mentally taxing it was to think about.

He looked back down at the journal. If he just showed this to them, it would be done. They would know everything, and he wouldn’t have to speak.

Despite knowing that it was the right thing to do, he didn’t think he could do it. It was too scary, even though he didn’t quite know why it was so scary. They were his boyfriends. He could tell them anything.

Needing to escape the fear for a while, he got out of bed with the blanket tight around his shoulders and slowly walked to the living room. Dizziness caught up to him after a few seconds, and he wondered if he would always feel like this. If he was always going to feel hungry and drained, was he always going to feel dizzy when he stood up? It sounded likely.

He curled up on the couch and turned on the television, wiping his cheeks on his knees.

No matter how much he tried not to think about it, he pondered what his boyfriends would do if they read his journal - or, more specifically, what Chan would do if he read his journal.

The last time Seungmin had interacted with Chan had been yesterday when the eldest walked him to therapy - yet it certainly didn’t feel like yesterday. It felt like a week had passed since then. A week of Chan being distant, frustrated, and overworked.

Seungmin would never forget how broken Chan had looked last night, curled up between Jisung and Felix, looking more frail than ever before. Seungmin had caused that. Would Chan be willing to forgive him? Would Jisung and Felix be willing to forgive him?

Could the information in the journal quell Chan’s disappointment, as it showed that Seungmin had reasons behind why he hadn’t shown up to schedules, why his performance had worsened, and why he was so caught up in private things? Or would the information seem trivial to Chan and make him think that, if this was all Seungmin had been dealing with, he shouldn’t have been missing things? That Seungmin had not been through a lot?

At this point, Seungmin didn’t know if he had been through a lot or not. He didn’t know what “a lot” would be. He hadn’t had a near-death experience, he hadn’t grieved, he hadn’t been out of commision - he simply had extra assignments from his stylist. Showing Chan the journal could do more harm than good.

However, there was only one way to find out, and Seungmin knew that.

After staring at the frozen television screen for a few minutes, Seungmin shot up to his feet, allowing the blanket to slip off of him. He speed-walked down the hallway, using the wall for support until he reached his room and found the wretched notebook. He tried not to think as he brought it to the kitchen and dropped it onto the table. He flipped it open to the first page of today and stepped back, but he couldn’t stop himself from rereading the beginning.

Was it pathetic? It felt pathetic - leaving such personal information out in the open rather than telling people face to face. Even if his throat weren’t sore, he didn’t think he would have the guts to tell them in person. He didn’t think he could even be present while they found out.

It was definitely pathetic, but it was the only option if Seungmin wanted them to finally know. And he did - he truly, definitely did. He was done with Eunseo, with the lies, with the pain he was causing everyone. Enough was enough.

He went back to the couch and sat down, ignoring the anxiety coursing through his veins. He almost felt nauseous, so he knew that he was definitely not going to be eating anything for dinner.

Checking his phone, it was minutes past eight o’clock. He didn’t know when the others were supposed to be home, but it had to be soon. He checked his messages again and found one he had missed that said they would be home around eight thirty.

The air was punched out of Seungmin’s lungs, because he barely had any time - to finalize his decision, to mentally prepare himself, to figure out what the fuck he was supposed to do and where he was supposed to go.

He decided to run to his room, which only made breathing more difficult. He sat on his bed for a few seconds, then stood again, carding a hand through his hair. All of the up and down movements mixed with his inner turmoil caused his head to spin, and he tripped, landing on his knees. He pressed his forehead into the floor and groaned, regretting it when he coughed painfully.

His eyes burned with tears. It really shouldn’t have been this difficult to talk to his boyfriends, and he technically wasn’t even talking. He was showing them something. He wished he could just rip the bandaid off and go back to living his life, but that was no longer an option. His life didn’t belong to him anymore.

Over the course of the next fifteen minutes, Seungmin revisited the kitchen four times only to return to his room empty handed, and each step taken caused his heart to beat more quickly in his chest, blood rushing in his ears. The final time, he was determined not to leave again, so he closed the bedroom door, shrouding himself in solitude. He had left his phone and comfort blanket in the living room, but he was worried that getting them would cause him to grab the journal on the way, so he opted to leave them, no matter how much he was itching to check his phone and see if the others had texted or not.

When he heard a door open in the distance, followed by voices, his anxiety shot through the roof. He fell to the floor without so much as a wince. The voices were loud, too loud, but then they were silenced, and Seungmin knew why.

They had seen it. It was official. There was no running away this time.

The silence was deafening. Seungmin stopped breathing in an attempt to hear something, anything, but there was nothing. Then, suddenly, they started talking again, but he could barely hear them through the thin walls of the dorm. They came closer, and closer, and closer…

Seungmin quickly crawled across the room and dove into the shared closet, feeling dread and regret fill his chest and lungs, pushing at his heart. He was regretting everything, but he had trapped himself in his bedroom. He had no way out. He sealed his hand over his lips, letting tears fall freely and silently down his cheeks.

There was a knock on the door, and he flinched, failing to keep a whimper from escaping him. The door opened, and he shrank, hiding further against the wall and praying that they couldn’t see him. Although he had wanted them to know, he didn’t want to see them; he didn’t want to know what they were going to do about it and to him.

“Seungmin?” he heard, the voice gentle and careful. His shoulders shook with every sob.

“Seungmin, where are you?”

“Are you in here?”

No, Seungmin thought. Please leave me alone…

Someone gasped, and they were way too close. Seungmin curled up into a tiny ball, fully turning away from the room.

“Seungmin…”

It was Changbin. Changbin was right there, right next to Seungmin, who was trying not to fall apart completely yet failing miserably.

“Look at me. Seungmin, baby, please.”

Changbin sounded like he was crying, and Seungmin had caused his boyfriends enough pain already. Slapping both hands against his mouth, he slowly turned his head, looking up at six concerned faces. He quickly averted his gaze to Changbin, who was kneeling beside him and holding his arms out - clearly wanting to hold Seungmin.

Changbin was crying. Tears stained his cheeks, his lips were pursed, his eyebrows were furrowed, his hands were trembling. He looked like a mess. Seungmin felt like an even bigger mess - and an asshole for causing all of this.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin cried brokenly, hiccuping. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Changbin surged forward, wrapping his arms around Seungmin’s thin frame, pulling him away from the cold, hard wall. Seungmin, weak, fell against the older boy, doing nothing to hold himself up.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

“Seungmin, stop,” Changbin demanded shakily. “Stop. No one is mad at you. We’re so proud of you. Thank you for telling us, okay?”

Seungmin could only gasp and sob. Now that the moment was here - that nearly everything was out in the open - he was overwhelmed. He hid in Changbin’s chest, trying to focus on the older boy’s warmth instead of everything else.

Changbin didn’t force him out of the closet. Rather, he held Seungmin tightly, slowly rocking him from side to side. It was weird, foreign, and a little scary, but Seungmin didn’t fight it. He didn’t think he had enough strength or energy to fight it. He felt weaker than ever before and didn’t know if he would be able to stand on his own two legs.

Seungmin couldn’t calm down. No one was speaking, so he had no clue what they were thinking. Changbin had said that they - most of the members - were proud of him, which was something. But he didn’t know if they were suspicious or unsure of anything they had read. They could think he was lying.

Changbin lightly scratched Seungmin’s scalp, leaning in closer.

“Can we move to the bed, baby? It’s much more comfortable.”

Seungmin didn’t really want to leave the small, contained, secure closet, but he was pretty sure that his legs were asleep - that, or he was just so lightheaded and foggy that he couldn’t feel them. He wasn’t as hysterical as he had been when they arrived, now only sobbing quietly and clinging to Changbin’s shirt.

He nodded, and Changbin tightened his grip. Seungmin panicked a little, because Changbin was squeezing him, feeling him and all of his flaws. It made him uncomfortable, but he couldn’t voice anything.

Changbin stood, and everything vanished. Seungmin’s feet were either limp or scrambling for purchase, making Changbin do all of the work. His vision blackened, and he felt so, so dizzy that he didn’t feel real. The world was falling, collapsing, colliding…

“Seungmin! Seungmin, hey, come on. Come back to me. You’re okay.”

Hands were tapping his cheeks and petting his body, but he barely felt them. He barely felt anything.

The dizziness soon began to fade, but it didn’t diminish completely. He blinked his eyes open and was a little confused, but then a face was directly in front of him. It was Chan.

“Hi, baby,” he whispered, petting Seungmin’s cheek. “Calm down, you’re okay.”

Seungmin leaned into the touch for a few seconds before reality crashed into him, then he was sitting up in bed and scooting backward in a panic. He knew that Chan was checking on him because he was the leader, but the pain of having to look in those bloodshot eyes was too much.

Jeongin sat on the edge of the bed beside Chan, who was kneeling in the middle of the mattress. Seungmin’s eyes locked on the maknae’s. He had spent the day with Jeongin, and it might have been the best experience with a member he had had in weeks. Although Jeongin had strongly hinted that he knew about Eunseo - and he definitely did - he also made Seungmin feel comfortable amidst so much despair. The time they had spent in the studio was also thanks to Jaehyung, but without Jeongin, it wouldn’t have gone so smoothly. It had been soothing to take notes and listen to Jeongin’s gorgeous voice for three hours.

Jeongin slowly shifted forward to be closer to Seungmin, whose chest was heaving from exertion, which made his throat hurt more than before.

“We read from your journal,” he said softly, his expression indifferent. “You wanted us to read it, right?”

Of course Jeongin was making sure that they hadn’t overstepped. Of course he was, because despite knowing the answer, he wanted to make sure that Seungmin knew their intention, and he didn’t want to go into it too quickly.

Seungmin nodded, pulling his knees closer to his chest. Jeongin smiled softly.

“Keep breathing, hyung.” He reached for something on the nightstand. “Drink some water.”

He held a full water bottle out, and Seungmin took it with a shaky hand. He was only now realizing that he was sweating, as there was an uncomfortable chilliness under his arms. He hated passing out.

Seungmin took small, slow sips, capping the bottle when it was halfway gone. It was awkward and, frankly, embarrassing to be sitting there while everyone else watched him with rapt attention.

Jeongin took the bottle and put it back on the nightstand.

“Feeling better?” he asked. Seungmin just nodded. Jeongin didn’t speak again, and Seungmin’s eyes trailed to the side, where Hyunjin and Felix were kneeling beside the bed. Changbin was sitting beside Seungmin, and Jisung took up the rest of the space between him and Chan. Minho wasn’t even there.

Felix gently took Seungmin’s hand, and the younger boy’s gaze flew to him. His eyes were puffy, and his nose and cheeks were pink.

“We know this has been difficult for you,” Felix sniffled. “Actually, way more than difficult. But you’re not fighting alone anymore, okay? You’ll never be alone again.”

Felix’s deep, determined tone almost made him sound scary, but Seungmin knew the true implication behind those words. They were going to be at Seungmin’s side while he combatted Eunseo and the manager for his own rights and safety.

“She—” Felix tensed, pushing out a breath. Now he sounded scary. “We knew that something was wrong with her, but we didn’t do anything about it, and we’re so, so sorry, Minnie. We were worried about crossing your boundaries while we should have been more worried about you and what was happening to you. We’ll never forgive ourselves for that. I swear to God, if she lays a finger on you or even looks in your direction, she won’t be walking out of that building.”

“No matter what,” Hyunjin interjected, “she’s never coming back. She’s fired. We’ll make sure she gets fired. You don’t have to worry about her anymore. Just stick with us, and we’ll stick with you, and she’ll be gone.”

He paused, letting the information sink in. Seungmin was still anxious, but it was more controlled now. He fully trusted his boyfriends, so he fully believed that they would be there for him and that he wouldn’t have to see Eunseo ever again. He fully believed that he was safe from now on. His eyes welled up with more tears.

“I’m sorry,” Changbin said quietly, stealing the attention. “We were scared, but you were even more scared, and we knew that. What she did to you was terrible and wrong. You know that, right? That it wasn’t okay?”

Seungmin looked down at the blanket. He knew that he hated it, that their “regimen” was different from everyone else’s, that his boyfriends didn’t agree with her treatment, and that she made him feel bad - but was it wrong? Seungmin wasn’t sure. He was just doing what she wanted him to do.

Changbin took his free hand, holding it tightly. “Seungmin, it was wrong. She forced you to do something that you weren’t comfortable with, and used her status as an older staff member to make you feel obligated to listen to her. It was in no way your fault, and it wasn’t okay. She hurt you. No one is allowed to hurt you and get away with it.”

Seungmin buried his face in his knees. He could feel sobs building in his chest, threatening to escape. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand what Changbin was saying - because he did and knew that he was right - it was that they all knew so much about the situation. The incoming tears were neither sad nor happy; they were simply overwhelmed.

Changbin’s arms were around him again, and he fell against the older boy’s chest. Each silent sob tore at his throat more than the last, but he didn’t care. The physical pain couldn’t overpower the mental.

No one rushed him or tried to get him to stop crying. They let him get out more of his pent-up emotions while they slowly left the room one by one, giving him and Changbin space.

When Seungmin finished crying, it was due to the numbness filling his body. He wasn’t used to breaking down - especially around other people - and was so overcome with anxiety and fear that his brain decided to close itself off.

Changbin was still there, the only steadiness in the room. His arms were the only thing holding Seungmin together, although it was by a thread. His breaths were unstable as unease continued coursing through him, but he felt hidden and safe - like nothing could hurt him right now.

And he believed that to be true. In his boyfriends’ arms, he was protected and secure, shielded from both his own painful thoughts and her. He still didn’t know what they were thinking, but here in Changbin’s embrace, he didn’t need to know - because he knew he was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin had always had insecurities. During Kingdom: Legendary War, he was forced to deal with online and offline hate due to the bullying accusations; soon after that, he spent more and more time in the practice room, feeling like he wasn’t up to par with any of his members. However, his most recent insecurity was the one that had affected him the most.

Sadly, the source of the insecurity was his own boyfriend. With the way Seungmin had been acting around all of them, it was obvious that something was wrong, and Hyunjin’s brain automatically went to him falling out of love. It was possible no matter how much he wished it wasn’t, and he always jumped to the worst conclusions.

When Seungmin didn’t respond to anyone’s messages, no one panicked. They knew that he read the messages due to their phones’ “read” feature, and they weren’t expecting him to reply. He was alone at home, so they hoped he was resting.

However, when they asked him if he wanted anything from the store on their way to the dorm - trying to sound casual - and he didn’t even read the message after thirty minutes, they were concerned. He could have glanced over the message, but he wasn’t the type to completely ignore a question like that.

The performance had been okay, but no one was really into it, and the director noticed that. He told them to liven up, so they added more smiles and sharp movements, but every time Hyunjin made eye contact with another member, a strike of pain shot through his heart. The hole in their formation was too apparent.

As they all returned to the dorm, they were talking about random things, but both Minho and Hyunjin remained silent. Hyunjin knew that they wanted to act normally if they saw Seungmin when they entered, but he was too deep in his head to chat.

Upon walking into the dorm, they were still loud, and Hyunjin wanted nothing more than to see that Seungmin was okay and go to sleep. They hadn’t eaten dinner yet, but he wasn’t hungry. The thought only reminded him of Seungmin - and painfully so.

The group walked toward the living room, passing the kitchen, but something caught Hyunjin’s eye. There was a book lying on the dining table, and it definitely hadn’t been there before. Something about it told him that it was important.

“Yah, guys,” he called out, stopping the members around him.

“What?” Jisung asked, confused.

Hyunjin continued into the kitchen, and when he realized that it was Seungmin’s journal, he immediately picked it up. He wouldn’t have touched it, but it was in a public space of the dorm; it was there for a reason.

He turned back to the others, keeping his eyes on the open page. The first line was simply an apology, and Hyunjin couldn’t breathe.

Everyone crowded around him, now quiet as they recognized the book.

“Read it, hyung,” Jeongin whispered. He had to read it upside down, but Hyunjin knew that he already got the jist of it.

Clearing his throat, he began reading, his voice soft and shaky. The more he read, the more his vision blurred, and after the first two pages, Minho carefully extracted it from his grasp, silently offering to finish it. Hyunjin just buried his face in his hands.

When the name Eunseo left Minho’s mouth, time stopped. Everyone focused on each and every word, analyzing the meaning and deciphering the emotion behind it.

As the story came to an end, everyone was left in shock. They had known about Eunseo, but they had been too scared to do more than ask carefully and not push Seungmin. Hyunjin thought that they should have pushed. He would never be able to forgive himself for letting Seungmin be so hurt, and he knew that none of the others would either.

“Where is he?” Felix asked, sniffling.

No one responded, but they all moved in unison toward Seungmin’s bedroom. The door was closed, and everyone held their breath as Chan bravely pushed it open.

Hyunjin was at the back of the group, but he joined them in calling out Seungmin’s name, realizing that he wasn’t there - or wasn’t where they could see him.

As they made their way further into the room, the air grew more stifling. Hyunjin’s heart jumped out of his chest when he saw a dark figure on the floor of the closet, and he hoped that it was Seungmin - but also that it wasn’t Seungmin, because Seungmin didn’t deserve to be in a position like that.

Changbin saw it next and approached the closet with cautious steps. Everyone heard his gasp, and Hyunjin swallowed thickly, watching as the figure shrunk impossibly further.

“Seungmin… Look at me. Seungmin, baby, please.”

A few seconds passed before the figure moved again. Seungmin’s face slowly appeared as he turned toward them, and even in the shadows Hyunjin could see the tears in his eyes and on his cheeks, absolute terror filling his expression.

Changbin opened his arms, and everyone watched in anticipation.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin cried brokenly, hiccuping. He must have had a lot of pent-up emotions, because his throat was still sore. He shouldn’t be speaking. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Changbin surged forward, wrapping his arms around Seungmin, pulling him into his chest. Seungmin didn’t attempt to escape.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

“Seungmin, stop,” Changbin demanded shakily. “Stop. No one is mad at you. We’re so proud of you. Thank you for telling us, okay?”

Hyunjin only heard gasps and sobs in response. Changbin rocked Seungmin from side to side, leaving no room for overthinking. He needed Seungmin to know that he was there and wasn’t leaving. Hyunjin wanted to join them in the closet, but the last thing he wanted to do was overwhelm Seungmin or make him feel worse.

Time stood still. A few of the others sat on the beds in the meantime, their legs bouncing and teeth biting. Hyunjin heard someone sniffle, then suddenly Minho was rushing out of the room. No one followed; he likely didn’t want to be around anyone, and Seungmin was still at the forefront of their minds.

Eventually, although Seungmin was still crying softly, Changbin spoke up.

“Can we move to the bed, baby? It’s much more comfortable.”

Seungmin must have nodded, because Changbin slowly stood up with him. Then everything seemed to go wrong again. Seungmin’s body fell limp, and Changbin muttered a swear as he adjusted his grip.

“Seungmin! Seungmin, hey, come on. Come back to me. You’re okay.”

That was when they realized that Seungmin wasn’t only limp; he was fainting. Everyone rushed toward them, and Chan, being the closest, helped Changbin lay Seungmin down on the bed. They crowded around him a little too much, petting his body and trying to wake him up. His breaths were ragged, and he looked too pale. Hyunjin kneeled beside the bed with Felix, his hand firm on Seungmin’s knee.

It felt like hours passed - yet it was only minutes - before Seungmin’s eyes opened. Chan quickly climbed onto the bed to lean over him, blocking Hyunjin’s view of Seungmin’s face.

“Hi, baby,” Chan whispered. “Calm down, you’re okay.”

After a few seconds, Seungmin shot up and scooted backward, panic evident in his movements. His eyes were wide and locked on Chan like the eldest had two heads.

Everyone’s eyes flickered between the two. Chan looked downright depressed, and they all knew why, but they didn’t know how to fix it or make him feel better.

Jeongin sat on the edge of the bed beside Chan, stealing Seungmin’s attention. He slowly shifted forward to be closer, eyeing Seungmin’s chest as it moved up and down rapidly.

“We read from your journal,” Jeongin said softly. “You wanted us to read it, right?”

Hyunjin hadn’t even taken a second to ponder if they should read Seungmin’s journal or not. There was no way that they wouldn’t, not when it was there and open with valuable information. There was no way that they had overstepped.

Seungmin nodded, pulling his knees closer to his chest.

“Keep breathing, hyung.” Jeongin reached for the mostly-full bottle on the nightstand. “Drink some water.”

Seungmin took the bottle with a shaky hand. He sipped slowly, capping the bottle when it was halfway gone. Jeongin put it back on the table.

“Feeling better?” he asked. Seungmin just nodded. Jeongin didn’t speak again, and Seungmin’s eyes trailed toward Hyunjin and Felix. He seemed to be taking in his surroundings now that he could breathe.

Felix gently took Seungmin’s hand, and the younger boy’s gaze locked on his.

“We know this has been difficult for you,” Felix sniffled. “Actually, way more than difficult. But you’re not fighting alone anymore, okay? You’ll never be alone again.”

Seungmin stared at Felix as he spoke, a weird look in his eyes. Hyunjin couldn’t decipher it.

“She—” Felix huffed. “We knew that something was wrong with her, but we didn’t do anything about it, and we’re so, so sorry, Minnie. We were worried about crossing your boundaries while we should have been more worried about you and what was happening to you. We’ll never forgive ourselves for that. I swear to God, if she lays a finger on you or even looks in your direction, she won’t be walking out of that building.”

“No matter what,” Hyunjin interjected, fighting to keep his own emotions in check, “she’s never coming back. She’s fired. We’ll make sure she gets fired. You don’t have to worry about her anymore. Just stick with us, and we’ll stick with you, and she’ll be gone.”

He paused, letting the information sink in. He watched as Seungmin’s eyes welled up with more tears, and his heart broke for the nth time that day.

“I’m sorry,” Changbin said quietly, redirecting the focus to him. “We were scared, but you were even more scared, and we knew that. What she did to you was terrible and wrong. You know that, right? That it was wrong?”

Hyunjin wanted to say that over and over and over again until it was cemented in Seungmin’s brain. He could tell that Seungmin still wasn’t convinced, and that wasn’t okay.

Changbin continued, “Seungmin, it was wrong. She forced you to do something that you weren’t comfortable with, and used her status as an older staff member to make you feel obligated to listen to her. It was in no way your fault, and it wasn’t okay. She hurt you. No one is allowed to hurt you and get away with it.”

Seungmin buried his face in his knees, and Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his forehead into Felix’s shoulder. He wanted to be here, but it was so hard to bear.

He heard Seungmin’s sobs build up again, but they were muffled by someone’s chest. No one dared to rush him, knowing that he had a lot of emotions that needed a release.

Eventually, everything started to slow down. Hyunjin reeled himself in enough to lift his head and saw Seungmin back in Changbin’s embrace, crying almost silently.

Hyunjin made accidental eye contact with Felix, who was also in horrible shape.

“We should go,” Felix mouthed. It was only then that Hyunjin realized that everyone else had left the room. He spared one more glance at Seungmin, and Changbin caught his eye, nodding despite the tears on his cheeks.

Felix took Hyunjin’s hand and stood, so the older boy followed him out of the room. They followed the sound of hushed whispers and made it to the living room, where Chan was sitting on the floor, staring off into space, Jisung was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, and Jeongin was sitting beside him, being the only one talking. The maknae looked up when Hyunjin and Felix entered.

“What do we do?” he asked, almost desperate. His voice was stable, but his eyes were pink.

“I don’t know, Innie,” Felix whispered back, dragging Hyunjin to the couch. He sat beside Jisung and buried his face in the other boy’s shoulder. Hyunjin leaned back against the couch, looking at the ceiling.

“We have to do something,” Jeongin argued. “We—We—”

“We will,” Jisung grumbled quietly. “We’ll go to the company and kick that bitch’s ass before getting her fired.”

“In the morning,” Hyunjin added softly. It was too late and they were all too emotional for any drastic measures like that. “We need… Let’s cool down. Just breathe. Minnie needs time to calm down, and so do we.”

No one argued with that.

Hyunjin sniffled, getting lost in thought. It was still difficult to comprehend. He wished that they had talked about this sooner - about Eunseo having a huge part in Seungmin’s illness - because now that it was confirmed, no one knew what to do. They knew that they needed to, as Jisung said, “kick that bitch’s ass before getting her fired,” but there was a lot more to it than that. They had to go to the manager as well, who seemed to be a great friend of Eunseo’s, taking her side for everything. The manager might not budge.

The key was Seungmin. Seungmin needed to be there to talk to the manager himself. The manager needed to see what Eunseo had caused, that she was truly at fault, and that she wasn’t a good person.

However, Seungmin needed to be in a good headspace to do that, which meant that they couldn’t do anything tonight. They probably couldn’t do anything in the morning either. Yet Hyunjin had a feeling that their boyfriends weren’t going to be as patient.

“Where’s Minho hyung?” Jeongin whispered.

“Our room,” Jisung replied immediately, his voice monotonous. “He locked the door.”

Hyunjin’s heart clenched. Minho, like Chan, hadn’t shown much emotion recently because he was the second oldest. If he had to lock himself in someone else’s bedroom just to be alone, he had to be feeling terrible.

And Hyunjin wanted to help; he wanted to feel useful for once.

“I’ll talk to him,” he murmured, standing. No one said anything in response, so he just walked away, taking a shaky breath.

He walked past Seungmin’s room and peered in. Changbin was lying down with Seungmin resting on his chest, warm and safe underneath the blanket. Changbin caught Hyunjin’s eyes and lifted a hand to beckon him in.

“Is everyone okay?” Changbin asked. Now that Hyunjin was closer, he saw that the tears were no longer present on the older boy’s face. He was probably the calmest person right now.

Seungmin, however, had dried tear tracks covering his cheeks. Hyunjin wanted to wipe them away, but he couldn’t wake him up. Seungmin needed the rest.

Hyunjin shook his head. “Minho hyung locked himself in Jisung’s room. The others are just sitting in the living room. They’re… scared. Sad.” He sighed. “Is he okay?”

It was the dumbest question Hyunjin could possibly ask, but he still needed to know.

“He basically cried himself to sleep. I can—I can feel his ribs and his knees and elbows, and… I feel so bad, Hyunnie.”

Changbin’s eyes were growing wet, so Hyunjin leaned down and kissed his forehead, rubbing his available shoulder.

“I do too, hyung.”

“He’s not working tomorrow.”

“I know, he’s not. We’ll figure it out. Just… try to get some rest, hyung.”

“You too.”

Changbin puckered his lips, so Hyunjin kissed him. Then he pecked Seungmin’s temple for good measure.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

With that, Hyunjin slowly left the room. It had a peaceful, cozy atmosphere, but the underlying tension and anxiety made it uncomfortable.

He made his way to Jisung’s room, somehow feeling even more dejected than before.

He knocked and received no response.

“Minho hyung,” he called. Still nothing. He jiggled the doorknob, but it wouldn’t budge. “Hyung? Can you let me in, please?”

Hyunjin was growing more worried. While Minho always hid from them during his vulnerable moments, he would at least pretend to be okay; he would say something like “No,” “I’m fine,” “Go away,” anything that would keep the others out of his business. He was never silent like this. But Hyunjin also knew that Minho wasn’t going to come out if he was too upset.

There was a small thud inside of the room, and Hyunjin was alert again. It was quiet - probably a phone hitting the floor, if anything - but concerning.

“Minho hyung, let me in,” he demanded, his voice shaking. He was overwhelmed; everyone was crying and upset, and he just wanted to help.

“Hyunjin.” He turned around and saw Jisung standing at the end of the hallway, looking exhausted and disconsolate. “He’s not going to come out, you know that. Trust me.”

Hyunjin sighed. Minho and Jisung had a special bond within their polyamorous relationship, so Jisung knew him best.

“Then I’ll wait. He’ll come out eventually.”

Hyunjin sat down across the hall to face the door. He let his head fall back and winced as it hit the wall a little too hard. Jisung quietly sat down beside him, and a few seconds later he rested his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, curling up.

“I love you,” he whispered. Hyunjin kissed the top of his head.

“I love you too.”

“Let’s say it more often. Please.”

Hyunjin shifted to wrap his arm around Jisung’s shoulders, tugging him closer.

“Why?”

“Just… We don’t say it that often. And Minnie needs to know, because I think he has doubts. I don’t know.”

Hyunjin hadn’t realized that. When this whole situation started, they all began pulling away from each other at the same time. Even before the situation, their lives had been getting busy and stressful, causing them to hide their emotions from one another. Yet now they were in a predicament that required them to communicate healthily.

Seungmin had to know that they loved him. Hyunjin found it difficult to believe that Seungmin didn’t know, because even when the group had spats, they knew they would come back together again.

However, Hyunjin had no way of knowing how Seungmin felt, because this was nothing like a spat. Rather than their relationship straining, there was a split between Seungmin and the others. A split that left both sides hanging on to one another by a thread.

“Okay,” Hyunjin responded after a pause. “We’ll say it more. And show him that we’re here no matter what.”

That consoled Jisung for the time being. For the next thirty minutes, they didn’t move. They didn’t hear so much as a peep from inside of the bedroom. Hyunjin was fighting to keep his eyes open, but he forced himself to stay awake and aware. He needed to know what was going on and be able to help anyone who needed it.

They heard shuffling from the living room, then Chan appeared at the end of the hallway. He didn’t stop walking when he spotted the pair, but he stared at them for a second too long before averting his gaze, moving to enter his own bedroom.

“Hyung.”

The eldest paused and turned to look at Jisung, his expression indifferent - so different from their usual Chan that the knots in Hyunjin’s stomach tightened.

“Hyung,” Jisung repeated, a little less confident, “I love you.”

Hyunjin stiffened - and hated that he did. If Chan brushed Jisung off, the younger boy would get upset, and Hyunjin wasn’t going to stand for that.

But Chan’s shoulders dropped, and a little tension seeped out of his muscles. He stepped forward and squatted beside them.

“I love you too,” he murmured, leaning in to give Jisung a kiss, then Hyunjin. He sighed. “Why are you out here?”

“Waiting for Minho hyung to come out,” Hyunjin said. Chan nodded along, taking on some of his leader persona again.

“Let me know if you need anything. I’m going to sleep.”

Hyunjin gave him a look. Chan was not going to be able to fall asleep, and everyone knew that. Chan hadn’t even peeked into Seungmin’s room to see how he was doing - probably because of how Seungmin was acting around him. It stumped everyone, because the behavior seemingly came out of nowhere. It didn’t relate to the Eunseo situation, so there must have been something else they were missing.

“I just need to be alone right now, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin’s eyes softened. “Okay. Come get us if you need anything.”

Chan nodded and stood, then Jisung spoke again.

“Don’t beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong.”

That was true, yet also false; they didn’t hurt Seungmin - on purpose, at least - and were trying to help him, but they weren’t trying hard enough. They needed to step it up, especially now that Seungmin was opening up to them. And while Chan did nothing wrong, he must have not done something right at the same time.

Chan just nodded again and flashed a fake, pathetic smile before returning to his room, closing the door. Jisung snuggled a little closer to Hyunjin for comfort.

The next person to appear was Jeongin. He glanced over the two and instead went into Seungmin’s room. Hyunjin heard quiet whispers between him and Changbin, but he couldn’t make out the words.

Jeongin didn’t leave the room, and because his own was currently occupied, he was probably going to sleep in Seungmin’s.

Felix was the final member to leave the living room. The first thing he did was also enter Seungmin’s room, but he left after a minute and sat down beside Jisung instead.

“Hi,” he whispered, sniffling. He was still crying softly. Hyunjin reached around Jisung to pet Felix’s nape.

“You okay?”

Felix nodded. “I guess. Are you… waiting for hyung?”

“Yeah. It might be a while. You can sleep with Chan hyung or Innie if you want.”

“I can’t sleep right now.”

That was very understandable.

They sat in silence for nearly an hour, trying to use each other’s presence as support. When the door suddenly opened without warning, they all jumped. Minho stopped in his tracks when he saw the trio, but then he stomped past them to the kitchen. His eyes were bloodshot, his nose was pink, his hair was tussled, and he was clutching a book tightly in one hand. Seungmin’s journal.

Hyunjin shared a look with Jisung and Felix before they all stood and went to the kitchen. Minho was facing away from them, filling a glass with water. He drank it all in large gulps, then set the glass down none too gently. He bent over to rest his elbows on the counter, his hands finding his hair and tugging. Hyunjin could hear his unstable breaths and see the rise and fall of his shoulders.

“Hyung?” he said quietly. Minho didn’t move. Jisung moved forward and hovered his hand above Minho’s back before slowly setting it down, rubbing small circles. Minho swatted the arm away, and they were all surprised - not by the action, but by the blatant anger he was displaying, especially toward Jisung.

“What is it, hyung?” Jisung asked, trying to see Minho’s face. Minho just tilted his head down further. “You have to talk, or nothing is going to improve for anyone.”

Minho ran his hands down his face and groaned nearly silently.

“We fucked up,” he choked out.

They all shifted closer. Minho must have figured something out.

“How?” Felix asked shakily.

“Do you remember when Seungmin wore an outfit that was more revealing than usual? It was all over Twitter. We talked so much about it because he looked amazing, but… that was also around the time that bitch became his stylist. And back then I knew that he was a little uncomfortable with us talking about it, but I didn’t realize it was a problem. And before that performance we were literally ogling his body and feeling him up. I was feeling him up. I just… I feel like such an asshole. I made so many f–fucking comments, and he… I hurt him.”

Jisung shared an alarming look with Hyunjin and Felix. Minho had definitely figured something out, and it was heartbreaking. They had all been so focused on the present that they had forgotten about all of that.

“Then he was skipping schedules doing God-knows-what. I think we know now. He told hyung that he was working on a surprise or something, but he must have lied. And that was weeks ago. I don’t know what she did to him, but… she's in control. She’s been in control of him this whole time. I’m just…” He growled, fisting his hair again. “I’m so fucking mad. At her and myself.”

“Hyung, it’s not your—”

“I know that, but I still made it worse. We never asked him if he was okay with being looked at and stuff. He even…”

Minho trailed off and stiffened. Jisung put his hand on his shoulder, and rather than pushing him away, Minho just squirmed slightly.

Then Minho grabbed Seungmin’s journal and flipped through it, all the while the other three were watching anxiously. He stopped on a page and shoved it in front of Jisung. Hyunjin and Felix moved closer to look over his shoulder.

It was a journal entry from nearly three months ago, around the time their schedules had become busy. It began with Seungmin describing his day, which had been pretty eventful. Then the mood of the entry changed entirely.

Sometimes I wish I could be like Channie hyung or Jeonginnie. They don’t care how they look even though they’re a bit shy about it. It’s cute. But I keep seeing Stays talking about how I’m different from everyone else. I know they don’t like it, and neither do I, but I can’t change it. I don’t know how. I’m scared to ask anyone about it, because they just won’t understand.

It’s not that I think I’m fat… Probably the opposite, actually. I think I’m too bony. My boyfriends have complained about it before. I started eating more recently, but it hasn’t helped at all. I still don’t have enough motivation to work out with hyungs or Innie.

Hyunjinnie especially has been coming to me for sex, and I don’t know why, but I feel terrible. I can’t be honest, but I just don’t want anyone to look at me and judge me. I know they would never say anything out loud, but I know they would think it.

I could probably keep writing, but I can’t keep my eyes open. I guess I’ll be back here tomorrow.

If it weren’t for the heartbreaking messages and meanings, Hyunjin would have thought that the way Seungmin wrote in his journal was cute.

It was true that Hyunjin had gone to Seungmin a lot, but he went to the others the same amount of times. Seungmin just didn’t know that. Hyunjin had even begun to back off when Seungmin continued rejecting him with excuses - although he shouldn’t feel the need to have an excuse. Rather than saying he might have been sick or had things to work on, he should have just said that he didn’t want to have sex, and Hyunjin would have stopped. He wouldn’t have repeatedly gone to Seungmin if he knew that the younger boy didn’t want it.

Overall, the entry proved that Seungmin didn’t trust them, which was absolutely heartbreaking. If he trusted them, he would have been honest. He wouldn’t have hidden this from them. He would have believed that they would help him - or at least not judge him. And now that Seungmin felt one thousand times worse, he had lost a lot more trust in them.

Hyunjin had no idea why Seungmin thought that they would judge him for something like this. Just because they were all fine with showing some skin didn’t mean that they would judge how someone else looked. He wondered what went on in Seungmin’s mind when he came up with that logic.

“I’m scared,” Minho admitted, “but not as scared as him. We need to get our heads out of our asses and start watching. Paying attention. Not brushing things off. This is serious.”

Felix walked around the others and wrapped his arms around Minho’s neck, burying his face in the older boy’s shoulder. Minho, as weak as everyone else was for Felix, held him back with one arm.

“We know it is, hyung,” Felix said, his voice muffled. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me.”

Meanwhile, Hyunjin was holding Jisung from behind while tears dripped steadily down the younger boy’s cheeks. Hyunjin wasn’t far behind.

“There’s… There’s one more thing.”

They all looked up at Minho, who gulped, turning his head to the side.

“He mentioned in one of the entries that a choreographer had been disappointed in him for not dancing well enough one day. He wrote that that’s the last thing he wants to be - a disappointment. He was really upset about it. I can’t remember what happened that day, but none of us must have noticed.”

It was obvious that no one wanted to be a disappointment. Hyunjin wondered just how deep Seungmin’s fear of that was, if it was deeper than the others’. He also wondered why Seungmin never said anything about the choreographer or just about the fear in general.

Again, Seungmin didn’t trust them. The fact wouldn’t leave Hyunjin’s brain.

“Then he missed a recording schedule,” Minho continued somberly, “and Chan hyung and I talked to him when he got home.”

Hyunjin remembered that. Chan and Minho had told the others to go to their rooms before Seungmin came home, because they knew that he wouldn’t say a word if he was surrounded by so many people. Whilst Hyunjin understood, he wished he could have been there - to see Seungmin, to see if he was okay, to know what was wrong. Chan and Minho had told them nothing about it other than that Seungmin was okay and had just been busy with a different staff member.

“He—He didn’t look good, y’know, and we tried to help. But then… Fuck, I don’t know why I’m only remembering this now. Channie hyung literally told Seungmin that he was disappointed in him. He was kind about it, but Seungmin looked crushed when he heard that. I just didn’t realize he was absolutely crushed, or that he took it to heart. But I should have. We know how sensitive he can be even if he tries not to show it, especially when it comes to our relationship. This was like… a turning point between him and Chan hyung. Now hyung hates himself without even knowing why, and Seungmin probably hates himself too.”

The others had no idea about that.

“Will you tell hyung?” Felix asked quietly, moving even closer to Minho. The older boy holds him tighter.

“I should. Where is he?”

“His room. He said he’s going to sleep, but he probably won’t be able to.”

Minho sighed. He rubbed his eyes, and Hyunjin cleared his throat.

“You need to get some rest, hyung.”

“I will, but not right now. You should go to bed. It’s late.”

It was late - about eleven thirty - but that didn’t make any of them want to go to sleep any sooner. Hyunjin wasn’t sure if anyone besides Seungmin would be getting any rest tonight, and even his rest wouldn’t be restful. Hyunjin was aching to go to the company and get everything over with, and he knew that the others were too, but not only were the manager and Eunseo not there right now, but they couldn’t talk to or bring Seungmin, and they were all in poor headspaces. They definitely had to go in the morning.

“You should at least lie down. It won’t be good for any of us to be exhausted in the morning.”

Minho’s eyes trailed back to the journal. Jisung grabbed his shoulders and turned him away from it, looking deeply into his eyes.

“You’re stressed, hyung. You’re hurting yourself. You need to just… stop. For a minute. You locked yourself away for over an hour, and now you’re trying to run away again. We’re not letting you. Come lie down with me. Please?”

Hyunjin watched the scene in anticipation. Minho’s expression was indifferent at first, but his eyes were soon filled with tears, and he tried to blink them away. One fell instead, and Hyunjin’s heart broke once again. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take.

“Okay,” Minho whispered, his voice high in emotion.

Jisung looked at the other two. “Will you come too?”

He looked hopeful, and Hyunjin knew that there was nothing else to do. He nodded, and Felix followed suit.

They went to Jisung’s room. As they passed Seungmin’s, they all peeked in, only to see three boys fast asleep. Hyunjin felt a little calmer knowing that the others were resting.

He lay down with Felix on Jeongin’s bed while Minho and Jisung took the other. Hyunjin kept his eyes on them, and a few whispers were exchanged before the two boys shifted positions. Minho’s head was resting on Jisung’s chest, and Jisung’s arms were around him protectively, like he was holding him together.

Hyunjin let out a shaky breath. A hand cupped his cheek, and he looked at Felix, who looked downright exhausted.

“Let’s sleep,” he mumbled. Hyunjin nodded and pulled the blanket up a little more, making sure it was surrounding both of their bodies. He pulled Felix in for a kiss, and the younger boy kissed back with a little more enthusiasm despite his fatigue.

Hyunjin leaned back, but Felix followed. He crawled on top of Hyunjin, increasing the intensity.

Hyunjin knew where Felix wanted to go with this, but he wasn’t fully sure why. Right now was definitely not the time to have sex.

“Lix,” he whispered, holding Felix’s hips. Felix hummed but didn’t stop. “Lix, not right now. Look at me.”

Felix lifted his head, panting slightly. Tears were running down his cheeks, and Hyunjin quickly wiped them away, but they wouldn’t stop coming. Felix’s face was slowly contorting into something sad and painful. He ended up burying his face in Hyunjin’s neck, so Hyunjin wrapped his arms around him, squeezing tightly.

The first sob was quiet and expected. The second was also quiet. The third was accompanied by a gasp and a fourth. Hyunjin brought one hand up to Felix’s head, gently stroking his hair back.

“I’m here, I’ve got you,” Hyunjin said quietly. Felix held onto him tightly.

Hyunjin glanced at the other bed and made eye contact with Jisung. He offered a small smile, and Jisung sent one back, but Hyunjin saw the devastation in his shining eyes.

“I love you,” Hyunjin said, his voice shaking.

“I love you too,” Jisung responded. His hand was rubbing Minho’s back, and Hyunjin hoped they would fall asleep eventually.

He focused back on the boy in his arms. He was trembling and still sobbing softly. Hyunjin wondered what exactly he was thinking and if he had a lot of bottled up emotions as well.

Hyunjin’s eyelids were growing heavy no matter how much he wanted to stay awake for his boyfriends. He kissed Felix’s head one last time before he drifted off to sleep, a lone tear falling down his temple.

---

When Jeongin entered Seungmin’s room and saw that he was asleep in Changbin’s arms, he was a little relieved. However, the older boy was not asleep, and he looked up at Jeongin in curiosity.

“You okay?” Changbin whispered, his voice barely audible. Jeongin nodded and sat on the second bed.

“You?”

“I guess so.”

Jeongin looked more closely at Seungmin. His lips were red, and his cheeks were covered in tears. Jeongin winced.

“Can I… Can I get you anything?” he asked, wanting to help. Changbin shook his head.

“I’m fine right now. Thank you, though, baby.”

Jeongin nodded.

“Minho hyung locked himself in my room.”

“I know. Hyunjin told me. Has he come out?”

Jeongin shook his head. “Hyunjin hyung and Jisung hyung are sitting on the floor in the hall. They’re waiting. He’ll come out eventually.”

Changbin sighed. “What about Felix?”

“He’s still in the living room. I think he needed a moment to himself.”

“Chan hyung?”

“He went to bed.”

“You should sleep too. You can stay here if you want.”

Jeongin nodded, relieved. He didn’t want to disrupt the quiet, calm mood of the room, but there was nowhere else he wanted to be right now. His room was taken, Chan’s was taken, and the hallway and living room were going to be lonely soon. He also wanted to be with Seungmin in case anything happened; he knew that he was on good terms with Seungmin compared to everyone else, so he would probably be needed if anything went downhill.

He lay down on the bed to face Changbin. He watched the slow rise and fall of the older boy’s chest, then the slight rise and fall of Seungmin’s shoulders. They were alive, they were resting, they were okay. That was all Jeongin needed to know before allowing himself to close his eyes.

He slept for a few hours, then woke up to a silent dorm. He huffed, annoyed because he knew that falling back asleep was going to be difficult, and looked toward the other bed, expecting to see two figures still asleep. However, there was only one. And it was Changbin.

Jeongin sat up in alarm, wracking his brain for a memory of Seungmin leaving the room. There wasn’t one.

Panic filled his bones. Did Seungmin leave the dorm? Did he lock himself in a room like Minho had? Was he okay? Was he hurt?

Jeongin quickly stood up and left the room, trying to stay quiet. The door to Chan’s room was closed, but the other door was open. Jeongin poked his head in, praying that Seungmin was sleeping in there instead, but he only saw his other four boyfriends.

He whirled around to face the bathroom; if Seungmin was in there, something very bad could have happened. But the door was wide open.

He ventured into the kitchen, and no one was there. He went to the living room and didn’t see anyone. Before he could turn around and run to wake up a hyung, he heard a quiet, barely-there sniffle. He paused and heard another. He moved further into the living room, and in the darkness, he made out a person sitting on the floor in front of the couch, curled up until they were as small as possible.

Taking a deep breath, Jeongin continued forward.

“Seungmin hyung?” he whispered. The person jumped, their head whipping up to the side. Their eyes were wide and wet. They quickly lowered their head again, and there was no denying it; that was Seungmin. Jeongin nearly sighed in relief but remained tense as he thought about what to do.

“Can I sit with you?” he asked.

Seungmin didn’t move for ten seconds. At first, Jeongin thought that he didn’t hear him, but then he saw Seungmin nod slightly.

As Jeongin lowered himself to the floor, maintaining a foot of distance between them, he noticed two things; Seungmin’s journal was open on the floor, and his whole body was trembling - like it would after one of his panic attacks. Jeongin’s breath caught in his throat.

Seungmin rested his chin on his raised knee, staring at the black television in front of them. His throat must have been aching after crying so much, and Jeongin doubted that he had drunk any water yet.

“I’m going to get some water,” Jeongin announced, standing and going to the kitchen. He returned quickly, reclaiming his seat and holding the cup out to Seungmin. The older boy took it and managed to drink half of it with only a few drops landing on his sleeve. He didn’t seem to notice.

He set the cup down, and his chin landed back on his knee. Jeongin watched him carefully. His lips pursed, tightened, then wobbled. New tears spilled down his cheeks.

“I love you,” Jeongin said. “You know that, right?” Seungmin nodded, which was a relief.

“I know that your throat is still sore,” Jeongin continued somberly, “but… Is there anything you want to talk about?” Within seconds, Seungmin was shaking his head. “Can I sit here with you?”

Seungmin nodded, keeping his gaze forward. The room fell into silence, and while it was awkward, it was also comfortable. There were no expectations right now; there was nothing they were supposed to be doing except sleeping, but that wasn’t going to happen.

Jeongin thought back to the journal. Minho had read most of it for them, and there was so much information on the pages. Not only had Seungmin apologized a countless amount of times, he had also told them about how his relationship with Eunseo came to be. She had been controlling right off the bat, not even attempting to appear kind when she helped Seungmin with his first outfit. It made Jeongin wonder why. Why did Seungmin go along with it? Why didn’t he tell someone?

He was reminded of what Jisung had said after Seungmin passed out in the studio; Seungmin didn’t trust them. He couldn’t talk to them about this because they wouldn’t talk to him. It wasn’t a one-way street, but it was too easy to forget about that when they each had six other people to talk to. But Seungmin had no one.

They had lost his trust, yet Jeongin knew that they could gain it back. It would take time, but that time was well worth it.

---

They sat there for about thirty minutes before a door opened down the hall. They both turned to see who it was, and Felix appeared with heavy eye bags and tousled hair. He either didn’t sleep well or didn’t sleep at all.

The moment he saw the two boys on the floor, he froze, his gaze flickering back and forth before settling on Jeongin. Then he slowly entered the room and sat down beside him, slightly forward to be able to see Seungmin as well, although the younger boy’s head was turned away.

“Okay?” Felix mouthed.

“I found him about half an hour ago,” Jeongin mouthed back. “He seems okay, just upset. Probably scared.”

Felix nodded along, casting a glance at Seungmin. He leaned in to whisper in Jeongin’s ear.

“Can we talk in the kitchen?”

Jeongin didn’t want to leave Seungmin, but Felix clearly had something important to tell him. Seungmin probably wanted to be alone right now anyway.

He followed Felix out of the room, and once they were both leaning against the counter, the older boy sighed.

“Minho hyung told us some… things last night,” he murmured. “About what’s led to Seungmin feeling like this.”

Jeongin straightened his back, stepping closer. “What?”

Felix took a deep breath. “Hyung read more of his journal. Past entries. Even before Eunseo came along, he was a little insecure about his body. She just made it a lot worse, which caused him to try to lose weight. And we didn’t help because we didn’t notice. We made comments and touched him, and hyung said that we shouldn’t have, since that probably made him feel bad. Basically, hyung feels guilty, and I don’t blame him. I feel guilty too. We can’t ignore anything from now on.”

Jeongin lowered his eyes in thought. They had never thought about Seungmin being insecure; they knew that Seungmin didn’t like showing skin, but they brushed it off as him simply being uncomfortable with people ogling his body.

“We’ll talk to him about it after we talk to the manager, I think,” Felix continued. I don’t know how…”

He became quiet when they heard coughing. They ran back to the living room, where Seungmin was hunched over, harsh, dry coughs wracking his body. Without thinking, Jeongin kneeled beside him and rested a hand on his back, his breath hitching when he felt a knobby spine.

Neither he nor Felix knew what to say, but they had to say something.

“You’re okay,” Felix whispered shakily, crouching in front of them. “Breathe through it.”

Seungmin listened and tried, and thirty seconds later, he was breathing raspily, keeping his head bowed. He lifted a hand to dry his cheeks, and his sleeve fell down to his forearm. Jeongin saw his wrist and shared a look with Felix.

Part of Jeongin had been worried that there was another problem at hand - not just an eating disorder. He knew that not seeing any red lines on Seungmin’s wrist didn’t rule that option out, but it was a little relieving to see bare skin. Nonetheless, his wrist was skinnier than it should be, which made Jeongin frown further.

Felix offered Seungmin the cup again, but the younger boy shook his head.

“It’ll soothe your throat,” he said softly. Seungmin stared at it for a few seconds before taking it. He drank all of it, and Jeongin desperately wanted to know what was going on in his brain.

Seungmin’s head dropped; he was clearly exhausted.

“We should probably get some rest,” Jeongin suggested lightly. “We’ll need it for tomorrow.”

He hesitated. He wasn’t sure if they were supposed to tell Seungmin about talking to the manager yet, and it might cause him to be truly unable to sleep more, but Jeongin thought that it was best for him to know. That gave him time to prepare if he needed it. If they couldn’t go first thing in the morning, that was okay too; whatever worked best for all of them.

“We’re going to sort everything out tomorrow,” Felix said. “We’ll help you, Minnie. With everything. But don’t stress over it too much right now, okay?”

Seungmin didn’t move a muscle, and Felix sighed, biting his lip.

“Can I kiss you?”

At that, Seungmin lifted his head. He maintained eye contact with Felix for five seconds before looking away and nodding.

Seungmin’s breathing quickened while Felix leaned toward him. He closed his eyes when their lips met, then some of the tension slowly left his shoulders. Felix deepened the kiss, and Seungmin followed along lethargically, letting Felix do everything.

Felix cupped Seungmin’s warm cheek and thumbed at his eyebags, wiping away the dampness from his earlier tears. Seungmin’s breath hitched, but he didn’t move away; if anything, he leaned into the touch.

Felix held him so tenderly that Jeongin’s heart ached. He loved how much his boyfriends loved each other, and he loved that Seungmin was accepting their affection so easily.

When Felix pulled back, Seungmin seemed a little calmer. His glassy eyes drifted toward Jeongin, and the maknae leaned in to kiss him as well. He tasted like morning breath, but Jeongin didn’t care. Kissing Seungmin was still like taking a breath of fresh air after being cooped up in his bedroom for three days.

Together, Felix and Jeongin helped Seungmin stand. He wobbled the moment he was on his own two feet, and his eyes closed, causing Jeongin’s chest to spike with panic. He opened them within seconds, blinked a few times, and tried to step forward, so Felix and Jeongin kept their grips on his biceps to support him back to his room. Jeongin’s fingers were almost wrapped around the whole limb.

Changbin was still lying in Hyunjin’s bed. They let go of Seungmin inside of the bedroom so that he had free reign. They didn’t know if Seungmin wanted to sleep alone or not, but they quickly figured it out when he walked to Minho’s bed, crawled underneath the blanket, and curled up facing away from the room.

Felix and Jeongin moved in unison to Seungmin’s unoccupied bed. They got situated under the covers and made eye contact. Tears started streaming down Felix’s face, and Jeongin’s eyes burned at the sight. They held each other close, listening to Changbin’s steady breathing and reminding themselves that everything was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Seungmin was shivering, but he didn’t know why. The blanket on top of him was thick, and Minho always slept in a shirt and boxers. If he was fine, why wasn’t Seungmin?

Because you’re fucked up, not him, his mind supplied helpfully. He sighed, trying to keep his cheeks dry.

His head hurt from how much he had cried in the last twelve hours. From his immense anxiety about finally telling his boyfriends to the blinding regret he had woken up to an hour ago, he was exhausted and scared.

While he was hiding in the closet waiting for his boyfriends to appear, he had been scared yet relieved. He didn’t think he would regret leaving his journal out in the open. However, when he woke up in Changbin’s arms, the older boy wrapped around his slim waist, his gut twisted. His boyfriends didn’t deserve to deal with this; they deserved to live a happy idol life. He didn’t need to involve them in his own problems. They were nice and reassuring after finding out about Eunseo, but they were definitely stressed. Even in his sleep, Changbin looked like he had aged five years in one day.

Seungmin felt the guilt rising in his throat, cutting off his airways. He extracted himself from Changbin’s grasp and stumbled to the living room, collapsing on the couch. He couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe?

This wasn’t the first time he had panicked before, but it was so out of the blue that he was disoriented. It was the middle of the night, and he had just cried his eyes out. The amount of anxiety plaguing him was overwhelming.

He wasn’t sure how long the panic attack lasted, but it ended with him lying on the floor, staring off into space. He eventually sat up, restless. Then he went from thinking about nothing to thinking about everything, and his breath hitched.

What Eunseo did to him was wrong. That was something he could get his mind around. But he still understood her intentions; he was an idol, so he needed to look as good as possible, and in her eyes, the skinnier the better.

It wasn’t that Seungmin agreed, necessarily. He didn’t like how his body used to look, and he didn’t like how his body looked now. It had never looked good. That was another thing Eunseo had taught him, something he believed wholeheartedly. He didn’t think it could ever look good, so maybe what Eunseo was doing wasn’t wrong. He looked bony and lanky right now, sure, but maybe after a little longer with their regimen, he would look better. That was what STAY wanted, right? For them all to look good?

He wondered what his boyfriends would think. He knew that they didn’t like Eunseo and what she wanted from him, but he didn’t know what they thought about his body. That was something they hadn’t discussed since before things with Eunseo got serious. It almost seemed like something they avoided on purpose, Seungmin thought. There was only one reason why; they thought that Seungmin looked bad too. Eunseo pointed it out, and they agreed.

Seungmin gasped suddenly. He had given them his journal to read, but he didn’t know what was in there. He couldn’t remember much of what he had written, and they had access to everything - not just that one entry.

He got up to his feet and fell into the wall. He was still so dizzy. He staggered into the kitchen, immediately spotting the book on the counter. He looked at the open page and felt like his world was crumbling.

They had read more. They might have read everything. He couldn’t breathe again.

Seungmin had mentioned all of his boyfriends at least once in his journal for both good and bad reasons. Sometimes they made him so happy that he had to write about them, sometimes he was envious of them and unable to tell anyone except for his journal, and sometimes they just came up at random times for random reasons.

This page in particular was all about his insecurities. Did Chan, Jeongin, or Hyunjin read it? Did everyone read it? Did just one person read it? Seungmin didn’t know, and that made it all the more nerve wracking.

He stumbled back to his seat in the living room, the journal clutched tightly in his hand. He dropped it on the floor in front of him and simply stared at it.

That was when Jeongin appeared from the hallway. His presence was both anxiety inducing and calming. Seungmin knew that Jeongin loved him and hated Eunseo just like the others did. Seungmin still remembered how Jeongin had spent the day with him until the performance. He trusted Jeongin.

When Felix appeared, Seungmin was slightly more on edge, but then he remembered how Felix had acted with him at the hospital. Felix had held the blanket, looked at him, and spoken to him so kindly that it was difficult to believe that he was upset or angry.

However, when Felix and Jeongin left to chat in the kitchen, Seungmin’s nerves flared. They were talking about him. He wanted to know what was happening that he didn’t know about.

He never found out.

Now he was lying in Minho’s bed while Changbin, Felix, and Jeongin slept behind him. But Seungmin couldn’t sleep anymore. He wished he had never woken up in the first place, because he didn’t want to lie here for hours until it was time for everyone to get up. Being alone with his thoughts sounded like torture.

He wished he had his phone, but he was pretty sure that he had left it on the couch before the others came home. He didn’t remember seeing it while he was just out there. His boyfriends wouldn’t have taken it, right? He didn’t think they would go that far. They had his journal already; they didn’t need his phone too. Seungmin couldn’t get it right now, though, without one of his boyfriends following him. He was stuck.

An hour later, he couldn’t take it anymore. He was almost sweating, and his stomach hurt. It was stuck between hunger and discomfort. He knew that this feeling wasn’t going to go away for a while no matter how much he ate, and the thought almost made tears build in his eyes.

He got out of bed again and stood still for a few seconds to let the dizziness pass. Then he crept out into the hallway and went to the living room. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw his phone lying on a cushion, seemingly untouched. He must have been so mentally out of it earlier that he hadn’t seen it.

He picked it up with trembling hands and turned it on. The first thing he noticed was the time - nearly five in the morning.

His eyebrows furrowed; there was a text from an unknown number. He tapped on it and stopped breathing.

This isn’t over.

Nearly dropping his phone, he dug a hand into the pocket of his sweatpants, only to find nothing. The slip of paper Eunseo had given him was in the pocket of his other sweatpants that he had been wearing before his shower. He didn’t know why, but he wanted the slip; he wanted to ensure that he hadn’t made anything up in his head, that this was all real.

He didn’t know how Eunseo had gotten his phone number, but it was probably from the manager. The thought was scary. She had so much information about him. He couldn’t hide from her if he wanted to, even if he quit his job and ran away. He knew that she would find him again.

This was probably something he should show his boyfriends. This would give them more evidence to use against her. But Seungmin, once again, didn’t want to show them. He didn’t know why, but having so much out in the open made him feel like he had absolutely no control over his life. If the one thing he could control was what his boyfriends knew, then he had to take this opportunity.

His stomach growled, interrupting his spiraling thoughts. His mind flickered away from the topic of Eunseo to the topic of food. He wasn’t hungry - he didn’t think so, anyway - but he hated this feeling so, so much. He wished he could eat without showing any physical signs.

Like Eunseo had said twice now, this wasn’t over. Seungmin wasn’t finished with her yet. She had more in store for him, and he doubted that he would never see her again, no matter what his boyfriends told him.

Seungmin took a deep, stabilizing breath. The text had been sent just before nine p.m., which was about when his boyfriends came home. He was surprised that no one saw it.

His stomach ached again, and his eyes burned.

Part of Seungmin wanted to just tell Eunseo that it was over; he wanted to stand up for himself. But there was still a part of him that wanted to stick with the regimen. It just felt easier that way. He knew that his boyfriends would never even consider that, though. They wanted this to be completely over.

His phone buzzed, so he looked at it again.

I know you’ve read this. Remember what I said: don’t tell anyone. This is between you and me.

Seungmin felt sick.

It wasn’t that he had forgotten about that rule; he had just decided to ignore it. But now, he felt like he had made a huge mistake. He didn’t think she had threatened him with anything, but he still hated disappointing her.

He imagined what it would be like to meet her goals, how proud she would be and how prideful he would feel. That was something he could have experienced if he hadn’t passed out. Now, it was out of reach. It was devastating.

Seungmin’s legs wobbled, and he collapsed onto the couch, his phone landing beside him. He still didn’t know what to do. What were the next steps? Felix had said that they would sort everything out and help him, but Seungmin didn’t really know what that meant.

Thinking about everything was making his head hurt.

His phone buzzed again.

Meet me in my room first thing this morning.

Seungmin was trembling. If he saw her, she would probably find out that he had told his members, and she would be infuriated. She would probably do something unforgivable. She would hurt him. If he didn’t find a way to sneak out to her room, she would still find him - only, it would be later, and more frustration would have built up.

Seungmin didn’t know what to do. There was nothing he could do to get away from her, to stop himself from thinking about her every second, to stop his boyfriends from hovering and worrying.

It was too much. Fear built up easily, and Seungmin found himself gasping, pressing his palms against his forehead like he could hide from the world. Panic clawed at his chest, dragging him down to the depths of the earth until he couldn’t see or feel.

“Seungmin?”

He barely heard the new voice. It wasn’t until someone kneeled in front of him that he registered their presence, and when he noticed who it was, he flinched, pressing himself back into the couch, his hands gripping his own shirt.

Seungmin couldn’t look away. Chan’s eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes were wide, and his lips were moving, but Seungmin didn’t hear anything. Chan didn’t know what to say - probably because he had nothing good to say, and he didn’t want to deal with an even more distressed Seungmin. Who would? Recently, Seungmin hadn’t contributed anything to the group except for more stress. He couldn’t blame any of them for having nothing to say to him.

One of Chan’s hands reached out, and Seungmin gasped, his chest tightening further. Then, suddenly, Chan was standing and walking away. That only made Seungmin’s heart beat faster and panic skyrocket. Chan was leaving him like this. Chan didn’t want to help him. Chan didn’t think he was worth it. Chan was too disappointed in him to even consider helping.

Seungmin couldn’t believe he had messed up this badly. How could he remain a member of this group if the leader hated him?

Seungmin’s vision blurred, and he choked on his next breath. Then a hand landed on his shoulder, and he jumped away. He was too overwhelmed for this.

“Shh, Seungmin-ah, I’m here.”

He couldn’t recognize the voice. He stared forward at nothing, not even trying to slow down his breathing. It was too difficult. He couldn’t do it.

“Seungmin, you’re safe. It’s just Jisungie. Take a deep breath.”

Seungmin couldn’t. Tears spilled down his cheeks, and they were wiped away by gentle fingers.

“Minnie, baby, I’ve got you. No one can hurt you now. None of us are upset with you. We love you so much, okay? Even… Even Channie hyung. I know he’s not good at saying it, but he loves you so, so, so much. He isn’t disappointed in you. I know you think that he is, but he isn’t, I promise. He would tell you himself, but he’s scared of hurting you more.”

Seungmin finally looked at Jisung. The older boy looked sincere, but Seungmin couldn’t believe him. Chan wasn’t disappointed? That wasn’t true.

Jisung cupped his cheeks, pressing their foreheads together. Then one hand fell to Seungmin’s, bringing it up to his chest.

“Breathe with me,” he whispered. Seungmin felt the rise and fall of his chest and subconsciously began to match his own to it. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from Jisung and the warm, loving glint in his eyes.

But then he saw Minho in his peripheral vision, the older boy’s hand grabbing something from the couch cushion. It was Seungmin’s phone.

“H–Hyung,” Seungmin croaked, sitting up straighter despite the ache coursing through his body. It was too late; Minho’s eyes were wide as he read the messages.

There went the one thing he could control.

“Fuck, Seungmin,” he whispered breathlessly. Then he looked up, held his head higher, and said, “You’re not going, okay? You’re not going to her. We’re going to keep you safe. She can’t hurt you.”

Seungmin gulped. He knew that he didn’t have to go to Eunseo. She would be mad if he didn’t, though, and she would know that Seungmin had told his members. Seungmin didn’t want to risk his boyfriends getting hurt as well. And maybe he didn’t want his relationship with her to end on a sour note - where he hadn’t made her proud even once. He knew that he could do it if she gave him more time. Just a little more time, and he could meet her goals. No—He would.

Minho crouched in front of him, and Seungmin’s eyes snapped back to him. He had almost forgotten that he couldn’t meet her goals with his boyfriends this close.

“Seungminnie,” Minho murmured. “You know that you’re only hurting yourself by listening to her. No one should ever make you feel bad about yourself, or give you a reason to try to change yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you, okay? There’s nothing wrong with any of us.”

There was nothing wrong with them. But there was something wrong with Seungmin. Minho just didn’t understand because he looked perfect - they all did.

Minho could see the doubt in Seungmin’s expression. He sighed.

“What if it were Felix?”

What?

“What if someone told Felix that he needed to lose weight? And he stopped eating, ran himself ragged just to appease someone that he barely knew? What if he became sick and pushed the rest of us away because of it?”

Seungmin’s breath hitched. The thought of any of his boyfriends going through the same pain as him made his heart break.

“Don’t you see, Seungmin? Eunseo put lies in your head to make you believe things that aren’t true. It could have been any one of us.”

That wasn’t right. Seungmin was different from Felix; Seungmin wasn’t as pretty, strong, or lean as Felix. Minho couldn’t just compare them like that. Minho didn’t even know half of the story - that Seungmin was trying to help Eunseo. He was just trying to fit into the clothes she had designed.

“Th–They…” Seungmin let the word slip out of his mouth. He gasped, regretting it instantly.

“They what?”

Seungmin looked down at his knees, trying to keep his breathing under control. His throat still hurt a little bit.

“They… aren’t l–lies.”

“What aren’t lies?”

Seungmin didn’t want to talk about this. He should have kept his mouth shut.

“Seungmin,” Jisung piped in quietly, “they are lies. Whatever she said wasn’t true.”

Seungmin shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He clenched his fists in his lap, forcing back the tears that threatened to build up.

“I know that you’ve been feeling bad for a long time,” Minho said softly, “and that Eunseo is making everything a lot worse. But we’re your boyfriends. We know you the best. Eunseo doesn’t know you at all. She doesn’t know how much of a hard worker you are and how much you do for our team. She doesn’t know about the nights you’d spend in the practice room or studio to perfect your performance. And she definitely doesn’t know how perfect you are. You’re perfect for us, for STAY, for the company. Why does her opinion matter so much?”

Minho didn’t understand. It wasn’t just Eunseo’s opinion; it was Seungmin’s as well. Seungmin knew how important the concept and visuals of a performance were, and like Eunseo had said, they could even be more important than the performance itself. Seungmin needed to have the right appearance while he performed, or it could all be ruined.

“Tell me,” Minho continued. “Why do you believe her more than us?”

That was a low blow. Seungmin didn’t trust Eunseo more than his boyfriends. There was no way that they didn’t know that.

“It’s not—not th–that,” Seungmin whispered. “It’s—”

He didn’t know what to say. He hoped that they would just move on, but his boyfriends were too patient.

“You don’t… understand,” he finally whispered, sniffling.

“Can you help us understand?” Jisung asked gently.

Seungmin was getting overwhelmed, so the words just flew out of his mouth.

“It’s different from—from you. Sh–She said you wouldn’t understand ‘cause she… has a d–different vision. From your stylists.”

“But her ‘vision’ is causing you pain, is it not?” Seungmin didn’t answer. Jisung rested a careful hand on his knee. “If it’s hurting you, it doesn’t matter what the vision is. It can’t continue. If you keep this up, you’re going to get really sick, and you’ll have to go on a long hiatus so you can get your health back up. Even right now, you’re sick. You’re underweight. You know that isn’t okay.”

Seungmin didn’t like the way Jisung was talking to him - like he was a child who didn’t understand anything. Seungmin knew that losing too much weight would make him sick, but he wasn’t that low yet. He wasn’t going to get that low, because Eunseo wouldn’t make him go that low. He thought so, at least. He didn’t feel underweight or sick. He was fine.

Jisung sighed. Minho cleared his throat.

“Listen, Seungmin. We’re going to have a meeting with the manager in an hour, and he’ll fire Eunseo. She’ll be gone, and we’ll help you feel okay again. Everything will be okay.”

Seungmin just nodded. He wasn’t going to win this.

“Let’s rest for a while, okay? Then we’ll head to the company.”

Seungmin nodded again, and Minho stood, giving him his phone back. Seungmin immediately shoved it into his pocket. Minho walked away, and he took a deep, stabilizing breath.

Jisung didn’t move and began rubbing Seungmin’s knee with his thumb. Seungmin was tense, and the situation reminded him that he had been pushing them away. He loved them with all of his heart despite everything going on, and he hated that he was hurting them so much. He wanted to lean into the touch, to allow them to come closer, to rest his head on Jisung’s shoulder - but he couldn’t. It was too scary, being so open.

It was quiet. All he could hear were whispers behind him, but he didn’t know who was there. He didn’t want to turn around - to know how many people were watching him.

Seungmin took a deep breath and leaned further into the couch, closing his eyes and pretending that the world didn’t exist around him.

---

The moment Seungmin stepped into the van, his chest tightened with intense anxiety. It was difficult to breathe. He felt like his boyfriends - simply by being present - were stealing all of the air from his lungs.

It was the simple thought of having a meeting that made him feel uneasy. They were going to talk about him, his future, and his “illness.” He hated being the center of attention like that, especially for something this personal.

He sat in the back right corner of the vehicle, as close to the wall as he could get. Beside him was Felix, who barely even looked at him after giving him a small smile and greeting. Seungmin thought that it was an attempt at normalcy - which was appreciated - but with the tension engulfing them, nothing was normal. Nothing could be normal - not anymore.

The van started moving, and Seungmin took deep, shaky breaths. He wasn’t sure who was driving - probably Chan or Changbin, because there was no music or radio. It was almost dead silent, but a few people were chatting at the front.

Seungmin’s mind was racing with all of the possibilities. He wondered if this meeting was going to end up good or bad - but what was good and bad? He didn’t think there was an outcome for

him to call good. His boyfriends had one, but he didn’t.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed Felix and Jeongin holding hands. Jeongin was even leaning into Felix, like he was seeking comfort. Seungmin swallowed thickly. Jeongin wasn’t one to want comfort like that, and he definitely wasn’t one to be so openly affectionate. Everyone was being hurt by the situation; it wasn’t just Seungmin.

The car stopped, and Seungmin’s head jerked up. He watched as his members began getting out of the car. Felix gestured for Seungmin to leave first, and he felt trapped. He would have members in front of and behind him; he had nowhere to hide. He didn’t think he could speak, so he just made his way out. By the time Felix and Jeongin joined them, Seungmin’s heart was pounding loudly in his ears.

Chan cleared his throat, and everyone paused, looking up at him. But Seungmin kept his head down.

“We’re going straight to the meeting room,” Chan said, his voice strained. “The manager should meet us there. It’ll just be us and him.”

Eunseo wouldn’t be there, despite the meeting being about her and Seungmin. Seungmin found that both relieving and worrying; he was a little relieved that he didn’t have to see her, but he was also worried about seeing her later. It was bound to happen. Although his boyfriends weren’t allowing him to see her “first thing this morning,” it was going to happen. And she would be angry.

Seungmin shivered, then flinched as a hand landed on his shoulder. It was Changbin. The older boy just gave him a small smile, but he couldn’t return it.

They walked inside, the group flanking Seungmin’s sides as if shielding him from passersby. Seungmin didn’t look up, though; he didn’t want to know if anyone was watching him.

“We can go slow,” Changbin suddenly said. “I know there’s a lot going on right now, and it’s probably overwhelming. That’s okay. The meeting might be intense, but after that, everything will cool down, and we’ll be here with you. We love you and we’re proud of you, okay? Don’t forget that.”

Seungmin gulped, then nodded after a few seconds. Changbin’s voice was so warm and sweet that Seungmin actually felt a little bit better. Despite how his thoughts had been for the past few hours, he found himself wanting to be comforted. Not by a hug, but by his boyfriends’ presence. He wanted them more than he wanted Eunseo, more than he wanted to please her, more than he wanted to lose weight. They had to come first, but he kept forgetting because of how different Eunseo was from them. Eunseo was always in his head.

As they approached the meeting room, Changbin dropped his hand. Seungmin didn’t know if he liked that or not.

No one spoke before Chan opened the door, and Seungmin sighed shakily. He thought that they would at least give him a rundown or something. He had no idea what all they were planning to say.

They walked in and saw the manager sitting at the table. Upon their entrance, he stood, making it clear that this was a standing meeting, not a sitting meeting. His piercing gaze immediately landed on Seungmin, who couldn’t hold eye contact. The manager looked mad.

“Talk,” he said, wanting to get straight to the point.

Chan didn’t waste a second.

“We know now that Eunseo is hurting Seungmin. She can’t keep working here when she’s abusing one of my members.”

Seungmin winced and shrunk. Abusing? That was a new word, and Seungmin didn’t like it.

“You must be mistaken,” the manager responded. “I trust Eunseo. I’m sure there was just some miscommunication.”

Minho scoffed. “You said that last time. There was no miscommunication. Seungmin told us himself.”

The manager looked at Seungmin again, raising an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

Seungmin couldn’t breathe - not with so many angry eyes on him. He hated being on the receiving end of someone’s anger, especially an older adult who held superiority over him. His members knew that he didn’t handle anger well, but they were angry too.

Jeongin stepped slightly in front of Seungmin. “Don’t put him on the spot like that,” he said quietly, nervous but determined.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Yang Jeongin. You’re the ones who are accusing a staff member of abuse. That is a serious accusation. You cannot come here and waste my time just to do something that will get you in trouble. Don’t think that just because you’re idols you can get away with these things.”

It was silent for a few seconds. Seungmin knew that his boyfriends wanted him to say something, but he couldn’t.

“We’re not lying to you,” Hyunjin piped in. “Seungmin told us last night that Eunseo has been making him lose weight. He… He wrote everything down for us.”

“If I don’t hear it from Seungmin, I don’t hear anything.”

Seungmin froze in panic while his boyfriends inched closer to him, raising their voices at the manager, who wasn’t backing down. Seungmin took a few steps back, trying and failing to control his ragged breathing. This was too much. It was too loud, tense, and overwhelming.

His back hit the door, and his hand grappled for the knob, preparing to flee. All it took was the sight of Changbin outright shoving the manager for Seungmin to open the door and slip out. He was scared of what could happen if the violence escalated, if he was dragged into it; he was the cause, after all. He was to blame.

He began to walk down the hall, but before he could move more than two meters, a hand grabbed his wrist, pulling him back. He turned, and his stomach ached.

No, no, no, no…

Eunseo didn’t say anything, but the expression on her face said enough. She was pissed. She dragged Seungmin in the opposite direction until they reached the door of a small meeting room. She shoved him inside, closed the door, and opened her mouth.

“What did I say?” she growled. She stepped closer and closer until she had Seungmin trapped against a wall. He was trembling. “I told you to meet me this morning. Where were you, huh? Stuffing your face for breakfast?”

“N–No,” Seungmin whispered, his eyes wide. He was bracing himself for an impact that didn’t come.

“Then what? What was so important that you couldn’t come to me?” She squinted slightly, leaning closer. “You told them, didn’t you.”

It wasn’t a question. She knew. She knew, she knew, she knew—

She slapped him, and he gasped, tears swimming in his eyes.

“First, you skip the performance, then you betray me? I can’t believe this.” She paused. “Actually, I can. All this time I’ve been trying to help you, but you won’t stop disobeying. It’s the same thing over and over again with you. I still don’t understand why JYP let you come here. You’re clearly not cut out for this.”

Seungmin was holding back sobs that threatened to escape his throat. Eunseo went quiet for a few seconds too long, and one escaped. She sighed, and it sounded absolutely disappointed.

“I–I’m s–s–sorry,” Seungmin cried, trying to make himself smaller. “I–I didn’t m–mean—”

“Bullshit, Seungmin. You aren’t even trying at this point. You need to carry your weight, understood? As an idol, you should know that. You shouldn’t—”

She cut herself off when the sound of frantic voices came from the hallway. She quickly turned the light off and grabbed Seungmin, forcing him to kneel beside the door. She clamped her hand over his mouth, and he felt truly humiliated.

Being found didn’t seem like such a bad thing anymore. Right now, all he wanted was to be in one of his boyfriends’ arms, curled up on the couch with a mug of coffee, with no worries except for keeping up with his vocal lessons and choreographies - how life was just a few months ago, before everything became hectic and stressful. Eunseo’s touch felt like fire nipping at his skin; his boyfriend’s touch felt like soft blankets on a lazy day.

The door opened. However, he and Eunseo were behind it. Whoever looked inside must not have looked in every corner, because the door shut, leaving him alone with her again.

He felt like his fate had just been sealed. He was stuck with her forever. The thought made him release a sob, then another, then another until he couldn’t stop them. Eunseo’s grip tightened, but it didn’t help; if anything, it worsened his condition.

“Shut the fuck up,” she snarled. “Idols don’t cry, Seungmin. You should be over this by now.” She yanked him back up to his feet without removing her hand, and he wobbled, losing his vision for a moment. It was too dark to see much, but her eyes shined brightly with fury. Then the anger in her voice tripled. “You couldn’t meet even one of the goals set for you, you run away when things start getting a little bit tough, you don’t listen to anyone, you only care about yourself. You’re such a bad idol, Seungmin. At first, I thought it was just looks, but no. It's everything. You’re too big and too naive to be close to successful. You’ll never get anywhere in life if you stay like this.”

Seungmin squeezed his eyes shut. Her voice echoed in his head, repeatedly replaying the same degradations, and he felt like he was going crazy. He would rather be in the meeting room than here. This was so much worse.

His level of fear and panic was nearing its limit. Unable to take it anymore, he flung his arms out, pushing her back just enough to free his mouth. He wheezed through his cries, unable to stop, unable to feel. She rushed toward him again, and he whimpered as her hands pressed harshly into his shoulders, the wall digging into his bones.

“How dare you lay your hands on me? I am your elder. You need to show respect if you even want to think about being an idol again.”

Again? She was implying that he had failed at being an idol. He had to start over. He didn’t do well enough. He wasn’t good enough for his group.

Suddenly, amidst Eunseo’s indignities, a different voice broke through.

We love you, and we’re proud of you, okay? Don’t forget that, Changbin had told him. Changbin wasn’t lying. Changbin was proud of him. Would he be proud if Seungmin wasn’t good enough?

“S–Stop,” Seungmin warbled. “L–Lying…”

Eunseo scoffed. “Oh, really? You think I’m lying? That I’m a liar?”

Seungmin was shaking his head before he could process her words. All he heard was anger.

Words continued spilling from her mouth, but Seungmin couldn’t make out what they were. His mind was going back and forth between Eunseo and his boyfriends.

Seungmin felt so guilty for how much he was hurting his boyfriends. He had been quiet, distant, and uncooperative, while they only wanted to love him. Now, in the face of Eunseo’s wrath, everything felt like a mistake. He still didn’t like the way he looked, he still thought that he was a disappointment, but he also wanted his boyfriends. He didn’t want them to be upset with him. He wanted their protection and comfort.

It wasn’t until he was face to face with Eunseo that he realized how right they had been.

Eunseo’s voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Whining, Seungmin mustered up just enough strength to push her away again, but this time, he didn’t stop. He reached for the doorknob, ignoring the spiteful shout of his name.

He wasn’t fast enough. One step forward, three steps back.

He was thrown into the middle of the room, where he lost his balance and collapsed into his side. The lights were still off, but his eyes were adjusting and he was able to see Eunseo standing above him.

“You. Are. Not. Leaving.”

Seungmin let out a sob. Deep down, he knew that he could get out of this room. He could find a way to overpower her. But right now, he didn’t think he could stand, let alone walk.

“Not after all of the shit you’ve put me through,” Eunseo continued, seething. She clenched her fists. “We didn’t come this far for nothing.”

That was how Seungmin had felt - like at this point, he shouldn’t stop, because he was so close to her goals and so much had changed, both good and bad. However, now that everything hurt, that didn’t seem like such a great idea. It wasn’t just his stomach anymore; it was his muscles, joints, head, eyes. His whole body was under too much pressure. He felt like he was going to pass out again.

He dropped his head onto the floor, panting like he had just run a marathon. His body relaxed slightly as he admitted cowardly defeat.

Eunseo stopped talking, and Seungmin wasn’t sure why. Maybe she had grown tired of him, maybe she saw how broken he was and accepted her victory, or maybe she had so much to say that she didn’t know what should come out first.

It was quiet. All Seungmin could hear were his breaths, his heartbeat, and Eunseo’s footsteps every few moments. Tears spilled silently down his cheeks, and he stared up at the dim ceiling. He wasn’t even thinking. He couldn’t think. He was just there.

Suddenly, a loud bang erupted from the hallway, and Seungmin jumped out of his skin. It was followed by distant shouting. Seungmin lifted his shaky hands to cover his ears, becoming more and more overwhelmed.

Fingers wrapped around his wrists and yanked them down, making him gasp.

“You look pathetic,” Eunseo spat. Seungmin whimpered and left his hands on the floor. He sniffled, and Eunseo scoffed, turning away with crossed arms. “It didn’t have to come to this, Seungmin,” she continued, her voice softer but still just as vicious. “If you could have only listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened. You’re forcing me to take extra measures, to take even more time out of my day, just to help you. You’re supposed to be helping me.”

He was supposed to be helping her? He understood that she wanted him to wear and showcase her clothes, but wasn’t a stylist supposed to help their idol by making them look good?

That’s what she has been doing, Seungmin thought. Making me look good.

It was through unconventional and uncommon methods, but that was what she was doing. He couldn’t deny that that was her intent.

But he could deny that he was okay with it, because his body couldn’t take this anymore. He knew that now. His life as an idol was fine just two months ago, but now he couldn’t do the simplest of things. He needed to go back to the way things were, if possible.

There was another bang, but it was louder. Knocks followed it, and Seungmin gasped. Someone was knocking on every door. That was both terrifying and relieving.

As the noises moved closer, Seungmin curled up on his side. He didn’t want to be seen like this - so torn down and disheveled - but he knew he had no choice anymore. He never had a choice.

His vision blurred slightly, and his hearing turned muffled. Now wasn’t the time to space out, but it also was. He was too overwhelmed.

He was facing away from the door, but when someone knocked on it, he couldn’t help but turn his head - to see if it was his boyfriends or a random staff member.

Distantly, he noticed that Eunseo wasn’t reacting. She was holding her phone and staring at it like nothing was wrong.

The door opened again, and Seungmin wasn’t sure what to expect. It had to be his members, right?

It wasn’t. It was the last person Seungmin would have expected to see. The man peeked inside, then shouted, “Nothing here!” down the hallway. He stepped into the room and closed the door.

“What took you so long?” Eunseo asked quietly, pocketing her phone.

“They wouldn’t stop fucking yelling at me. I thought you had this under control.”

“I did! It was this little asshole who didn’t.”

Eunseo pointed at Seungmin, who sucked in a breath. He was so lost.

The manager walked up to Eunseo, frustration simmering in his eyes.

“I don’t think you realize the position you’re putting me in - no, the whole company. If you couldn’t handle this, you should have told me.”

“I could,” Eunseo insisted, raising her head in an attempt to counter the height difference. “I can. I just need a little more time—“

“We don’t have time! I’ve already postponed the comeback. The whole group is onto you and on my back about it. I thought they wouldn’t find out.”

Eunseo pushed out a heavy breath. “They weren’t supposed to,” she growled. “I thought I was very clear about that instruction.”

Seungmin felt their eyes on him. Eunseo had been clear about the instruction, so it was Seungmin’s fault, not her’s. But Seungmin still didn’t understand what was going on.

“You either have to work harder or drop the project,” the manager said with finality.

“But—”

“I heard there’s an opening stylist position for our newest boy group. You can always start over.”

Why? Seungmin was aching to ask the question. None of this made sense.

“I’m not starting over,” Eunseo said firmly. “Not now.”

“Then you better step it up.” The manager’s eyes dropped to Seungmin, making accidental eye contact. “Both of you.”

Seungmin’s heart was pounding louder than ever before. This whole situation was definitely deeper than he had realized.

The manager sighed. “How did they find out?”

It took Seungmin a few seconds to notice that the manager’s eyes were still on him. He gulped, wanting to sit up but fearing that moving would make things worse. So he remained on the floor.

“I–I–I’m sorry,” he choked out quietly.

“That’s not an answer.”

Seungmin took a shaky breath.

“C–Can’t do i–it… I’m s–sorry.” He didn’t even know what he was referring to - but he knew that he couldn’t do it.

The manager looked back up at Eunseo. “I didn’t stop you from doing this because I thought it would make the group look better. But based on what I’ve seen so far, it’s making them all look unprofessional and weak, Seungmin even more so. The group won’t be successful like this. I can’t allow that. If this isn’t working out, it isn’t working out. I trusted you to do this correctly.”

“I am doing this correctly.”

“It doesn’t seem like it. If you can’t get him to cooperate, it’s over.”

The room fell silent. Seungmin glanced between the two, his anxiety tripling.

“Oh, I’ll make him cooperate one way or another. If he won’t do it willingly, I’ll make sure he has no choice but to comply. I won’t tolerate failure.”

Panic filled Seungmin again, replacing the tense numbness. His breath caught in his throat as the manager’s eyebrow ticked up, as if questioning Eunseo’s confidence. She didn’t back down, and the manager nodded slightly. They both glanced at Seungmin.

Maybe he could understand where Chan got the idea of abuse from. He felt so trivial, helpless, and used, lying at their feet.

There was a knock on the door, but it was too late. Too much damage had been done - enough that Seungmin wasn’t sure if he could ever be stitched back up again, if he could ever resemble his past self in the slightest.

Tears streamed down his temple while he gasped, unable to breathe. He didn’t even notice that someone else had entered the room until Eunseo left his line of sight. Then the manager was gone, so he squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his face into the floor.

The last thing he heard was a distant shout of his name before his hearing became muffled, and he let himself succumb to the overwhelming pain and horror.

Chapter Text

Being shaken awake by Minho was not how Jisung had expected to be roused. But the panic in the older boy’s voice, the violence in his movements - Jisung knew that something was wrong.

Seungmin’s panic attack wasn’t surprising. He was going through a lot, and it had to be overwhelming. However, anticipating it didn’t make the pain in Jisung’s chest any lighter when he saw Seungmin gasping for air, tears streaming down his cheeks, his hoodie and sweatpants looking a little too baggy.

Then Jisung saw Chan. The leader was kneeling in front of Seungmin, his eyes wide and lips moving rapidly. He reached a hand out, but it only made Seungmin panic more. And Jisung knew why.

“Hyung,” he whispered, stepping forward. Chan looked up at him with unshed tears, then he stood, understanding that he wasn’t equipped to handle Seungmin’s distress. Jisung gave him a small smile, but it only made Chan look more upset. Minho grabbed his hand and led him away - to tell him about Seungmin’s perceived disappointment, Jisung assumed. The others gathered, some going with Minho and some staying with Jisung and Seungmin.

Jisung focused his attention on Seungmin. It took time - too much time - but Seungmin began breathing with him, his tears slowing. Then Minho returned, picking up Seungmin’s phone, and some of that progress was lost.

Minho didn’t say what was on the phone, but he didn’t have to. Everyone could tell that Eunseo wanted to meet with Seungmin this morning.

Jisung didn’t agree with Minho’s method of helping Seungmin. Minho was comparing Seungmin’s situation to a theoretical one with Felix. Jisung knew from experience that that might not help, and it could make things worse; Seungmin could search for the flaws between him and Felix instead. But Jisung didn’t say anything, not wanting to interrupt.

Seungmin finally spoke, which was good and relieving. But what he said wasn’t good. He still wasn’t letting them in, wasn’t letting them understand what was going on. It was going to take a lot more time for that to come.

For the rest of the morning, Jisung kept a hand on Seungmin’s knee for reassurance. He didn’t push further, noticing how tense Seungmin still was.

The atmosphere in the van was oppressing. Jisung sat toward the front, close to Chan and Minho. They were still talking about Chan’s disappointment. Chan looked disgusted with himself, as if he had caused this. But he hadn’t.

Jisung’s anxiety increased as they got closer and closer to the meeting room. He was scared - that the manager wouldn’t understand, that Seungmin would panic, that his boyfriends wouldn’t have convincing evidence.

It turned out that the manager didn’t care what they had to say. He wanted to hear the truth from Seungmin, but Jisung knew that Seungmin wasn’t going to say anything. Almost everyone in the room was angry, so Seungmin was uncomfortable and nervous.

The others hid Seungmin from the manager’s view, shouting at the man for his easy disregard. Jisung felt anger building in his own chest on top of the anxiety.

When Changbin shoved the manager, Jisung reached out to hold him back. The manager didn’t try to retaliate, but his anger was through the roof. Words were spat left and right, and Jisung couldn’t keep track. The manager claimed that the members were making things up because they didn’t believe that Seungmin had a mental illness - like they wanted there to be a different reason for his behavior and their frustration. That only pissed the group off more.

They didn’t stop fighting, because they would never stop fighting for Seungmin.

“Guys!” Jeongin shouted suddenly, his voice full of fear instead of rage. They all looked at him. “Seungmin’s gone.”

Jisung’s eyes widened, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He ran out of the room, but the hallway was empty and silent.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he muttered, turning to look at the others.

“We need to find him,” Chan said, his voice low and trembling. “We’ll deal with this later.”

Seungmin’s safety and comfort were their priority - not the meeting.

The members split up, checking every unlocked room. He was nowhere to be found. Even the manager was helping search, knocking before opening every door, but they kept a keen eye on him.

Changbin was the first member to break. He searched the rooms again, and the others moved with him, anxious.

Jisung’s breathing picked up every passing second. He just wanted to be in Seungmin’s arms again.

No. He wanted Seungmin in his arms again. He wanted to hold Seungmin, tell him that everything would be okay - and believe that statement. He wanted Seungmin to be safe, with them and no one else. He wanted Seungmin to love himself.

They were so anxious that they didn’t notice when the manager disappeared.

“Seungmin!”

Jisung’s head shot up, and he ran to where his members were gathered around a door. He pushed his way through the group, wanting to see Seungmin, to see if he was safe—

He gasped. The manager and Eunseo stood inside the room, clearly in the middle of an intense conversation. What caught his attention the most was the boy lying on the floor, curled in on himself as if he were trying to hide, to not exist.

Changbin flew forward before anyone could move. He drew his elbow back and swung his fist into Eunseo’s cheek, causing her to stagger backwards. The manager was immediately in between them, shielding her.

The others didn’t try to stop Changbin - not this time.

Jisung ignored the fight, because he would be of no use right now. Instead, he ran to Seungmin, dropping to his knees beside his trembling form.

“Seungmin?” he whispered, his hands hovering, unsure of where to go. Tears fell down his cheeks. He rested a hesitant hand on Seungmin’s shoulder, expecting a flinch or something. But Seungmin didn’t react.

Then someone else kneeled beside them. It was Chan.

He didn’t hesitate like Jisung. He leaned down and wrapped an arm around Seungmin, rubbing his back and whispering into his ear. Jisung couldn’t tell what he was saying, but he could imagine. Chan had just found out that Seungmin thought he was disappointed in him, so he probably felt a strong urge to reassure Seungmin, to tell him that he loved him, to hug him. Jisung just rubbed Seungmin’s skinny calf, showing more support.

It was loud - too loud. Minho, Changbin, and Hyunjin were the loudest, arguing with both the manager and Eunseo. Felix was trying and failing to calm everyone down. Jeongin wasn’t even there.

Suddenly, the maknae rushed into the room with two security guards behind him. The guards quickly separated the others, and they quieted upon noticing their presence.

Chan shifted, and Jisung looked back at him. He sat up with his arms wrapped tightly around Seungmin, keeping the younger boy’s face hidden in his shoulder. Seungmin’s arms were lying limp between them.

“We need to go,” Chan said quietly, his voice wobbling. “Help me.”

Jisung nodded, wiping his cheeks. He helped Chan pick Seungmin up, but he barely had to do anything; he just lifted Seungmin’s legs around Chan’s waist so that he could get a firm grip on him. The moment Chan stood, he took a deep breath, burying his face in Seungmin’s neck. Then he kissed Seungmin’s cheek and held on even tighter.

Jisung sighed sadly. “Is he…”

“Dissociating, I think.”

That made sense. Jisung himself felt close to dissociation, but he wasn’t going to let himself fall. He needed to be there for Seungmin, for Chan, for everyone.

He put his hand on Chan’s back as they walked out of the room. His other hand reached out toward Minho, who was no longer angry. He was watching Chan and Jisung with devastation in his eyes. Minho took the offered hand without a second thought, following them out the door.

They went to the 3RACHA studio. When they got there, Chan sat on the couch with Seungmin on his lap, holding the boy close, as if he were trying to hold him together. Jisung sat right beside him, his head on Chan’s free shoulder and his hand on Seungmin’s back. Minho texted the group chat to tell the others where they were.

“They won’t come here for a while,” Minho said a minute later, sitting on Chan’s other side. “They have some… things to take care of.”

No one asked any questions. They sat in silence for a few more minutes until Chan broke it.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, hyung,” Jisung murmured, kissing Chan’s shoulder. “We all messed up.”

Chan shook his head. “I hurt him the most. And I didn’t even notice.”

“You didn’t know,” Minho interjected. “None of us knew that he took those things to heart. We had no way to know. He hid it too well.”

“I shouldn’t have said it in the first place. I should have noticed that something was off with him. He obviously didn’t have a surprise. I don’t know why I believed him. I just… let it go.”

“We all did. Sure, you said that you were disappointed, but you had to. You didn’t want him to keep missing schedules, so you wanted him to know that what he was doing wasn’t okay. I just don’t think he understands when we tell him things like that. We aren’t trying to tear him down, we’re trying to support him. We’ll have to explain that to him later.”

“First, we need to make him feel loved,” Jisung said. “That’s a priority. We don’t know what Eunseo and the manager did to him while we weren’t there, but I know he’s going to be thinking about it constantly. He already felt bad, and now this… It’s horrible.”

Chan sighed, kissing Seungmin’s neck. “We’ll be here. I’ll be here. I’ll make sure that he knows I love him.”

“We know you will,” Minho smiled, resting a soothing hand on Chan’s nape.

The air was a little calmer now, but it was still stressful. Seungmin hadn’t moved yet, and his eyes were closed. They would have thought that he was sleeping if it weren’t for the tension in his muscles and his controlled breathing.

As time passed, they each thought about the same thing: how they could make everything up to Seungmin and help him feel better.

---

When Seungmin came to, all he registered was warmth. He shifted just slightly, his fingers curling weakly into a soft fabric. He was confused when there was something solid between his knees, but not confused enough to care. He was tired. He didn’t even know where he was.

He breathed in and caught a whiff of a familiar cologne. He turned his head to have more access to the smell, and his nose bumped into heated skin.

“Seungmin?”

He took another breath, then slowly lifted his head, squinting at the brightness of the room - even though the lights were off and only a lamp was on in the corner. His face felt gross and sticky, but he didn’t have the energy or willpower to wipe it.

Then he saw the person beneath him. It was Chan, and he was cozy and gentle. Seungmin was comfortable. He had been in this position before, on the eldest’s lap, soaking up his comfort - but not in a long time, because—

It was Chan.

The memories came rushing back - Chan’s deep disappointment, the manager’s sharp anger, Eunseo’s fiery frustration. He remembered how she had dragged him away, how pathetic and feeble he had been, how humiliating it had been to lie at her and the manager’s feet. Now Chan was in front of him, and his disappointment must have been through the roof. He had to be angry.

Panicking, Seungmin scrambled backward until he was on his feet, but he was immediately lightheaded and collapsed onto the floor. He scooted backward a little further before his arms gave out.

He noticed that Minho and Jisung were also there, sitting beside Chan on the couch. They were probably all mad at him.

Seungmin hugged his knees to his chest while new tears fell down his cheeks. He couldn’t breathe.

“I–I’m s–sorry,” he choked out, not even thinking. “I’m sorry, s–so s–sorry…”

Chan’s lips moved, but he was too quiet, and Seungmin didn’t hear anything. It looked like he said, “Don’t be sorry.”

“N–No, I’m sorry,” Seungmin cried, hiccuping. He had no choice but to be sorry. “I–I know I… messed u–up. ‘M so s–sorry, hyungie. I r–ruined everything, a–and you all… s–suffer… I p–pushed you aw–way, ‘nd I know you’re m–mad, I’m sorry…”

“Seungmin, no,” Minho said, leaning forward. Seungmin flinched backward. “Don’t say that. None of us are mad at you, honey. You didn’t ruin anything. You were hurt, and that wasn’t your fault. We love you so much. We just want to be here for you, okay? We’re always here for you.”

Seungmin whined, squeezing his eyes shut. They had to be lying. They were pitying him.

When he opened his eyes, he flinched again. Chan was kneeling in front of him - too close, Seungmin’s brain screamed. He shuffled backward until his back hit the wall, but Chan followed him. Seungmin couldn’t breathe. This was too much.

He was scared of his boyfriend. How could he be so scared of his boyfriend?

“Seungmin, baby, I need you to listen to me,” Chan urged. “I’m not mad at you, and I’m not disappointed in you. I never was. I was just confused because I didn’t know what was wrong. I shouldn’t have been so rude to you, that was my fault. I know I hurt you, and I’m so, so sorry. It’s okay if you can’t forgive me, but I want to be here for you, just like everyone else. I love you, okay? So much.”

Seungmin just stared at Chan in disbelief. He shook his head. That wasn’t right. Seungmin had messed up badly, so Chan had the right to be disappointed.

“I–I was wrong, I… d–deserved it.”

Chan sucked in a breath. “No, you didn’t. You deserved nothing that happened to you. You deserve love and kindness. You don’t deserve what I said to you, and you don’t deserve what Eunseo did to you.”

Seungmin flinched at her name, his mind going back to the moment in the dark room. Eunseo had hurt him, belittled him, trapped him, controlled him, been stronger than him. The manager had been in on it, had known, and never let Seungmin catch his breath. Eunseo had said that it still wasn’t over, that she would make Seungmin obey her.

Seungmin’s emotions had been all over the place. He had been stuck between panic, fear, and longing - longing for his boyfriends. He had wanted to be in their arms. He had felt so guilty, but he knew that they were strong enough to protect him.

Changbin’s words had been a tether as Eunseo towered over him. Changbin had said that they loved him and were proud of him, and he wasn’t lying.

Chan could be lying right now. He could be saying such sweet things just because he wanted Seungmin to calm down, to be less of a burden. But there was a slim chance that he wasn’t lying, that he wasn’t disappointed, and Seungmin was too terrified to brush that possibility aside. He needed support from someone. He couldn’t do this alone anymore.

“I’m so scared, hyung,” he whispered brokenly, lowering his eyes as he bared his soul to Chan. “I’m so scared, I… I feel so bad all the time, and I don’t know what to do. I’ll never be who you want me to be, I’ll never—never get b–better, never be—be—be g–good enough for you and—and her, and him, and…”

“Seungmin,” Chan interrupted, firm yet soft. “It’s okay to be scared. You’ve been through a lot, through something that no one should ever have to go through. But you will get better. You’ll feel better, I promise. We’re here, and we’re never going to leave. We’ll be here to help you heal, and once you feel better, we’ll still be here, because we love you and care about you. We love you because you’re you. You’ll always be enough for us. You don’t have to worry about them anymore. We’re taking care of it.”

Seungmin’s tears fell faster. They were going to help him heal; he wouldn’t be alone. He was loved; he was enough.

That didn’t sound right.

“B–But I lied, and hid, and…”

Chan slowly took Seungmin’s hands, prying them off of his knees to hold them instead. Seungmin ignored the urge to pull away. Chan smiled slightly and rubbed soothing circles on Seungmin’s palms.

“That’s okay. You were scared and didn’t know what to do. We understand that. But now we’re here, and you don’t have to hide. We’ll take care of you, Minnie.”

Seungmin’s fingers twitched in his grasp, and he looked down at their joined hands. He didn’t notice how his breathing was calming down, slowly but surely.

“Why?”

Chan huffed out a wet laugh. “Why? Because we love you, baby. I’ll continue telling you that until you believe me. We all will.”

Seungmin was still in shock. They were his boyfriends - they were supposed to love him - but hearing it felt foreign. They had told him that they loved him a lot recently, probably every day, but Seungmin couldn’t quite wrap his head around it yet.

He glanced at Jisung, who had been silent. He was crying, but he forced out a smile.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I love you, Minnie, and it really breaks my heart to see you like this. I just want you to be happy again. I promise you I’ll do my best to make that happen.”

“The others would say the same thing,” Minho added. “They can’t be here right now, but once they’re available, they will tell you the same thing, I promise. We all love you.”

Seungmin took shuddery breaths, looking at their hands again. He didn’t know what to think anymore.

“Can I hug you?” Chan asked. “Please?”

Seungmin only hesitated for a moment before nodding - a little too quickly. It was Chan, who might be mad, but it was his boyfriend, and he felt like he was going to fall apart. Chan immediately leaned in, wrapping his arms around Seungmin’s trembling frame, encompassing his small body.

Seungmin nearly sagged in relief, the tension in his muscles loosening, but he couldn’t give in right now. He was too tightly strung, too distressed. But he didn’t stop himself from leaning into the touch.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, weakly gripping Chan’s shirt, feeling like the leader would pull away at any moment when he decided that Seungmin wasn’t worth his time and affection.

Chan rubbed his back, kissing the side of his head. Seungmin gasped silently. “Don’t apologize. Just let me hold you.”

And Seungmin did. Chan shifted to sit beside him, putting them in a more comfortable position. He never loosened his grip, and Seungmin sniffled and shuddered, taking in the comfort that he had deprived himself of for so long. He was still surprised that Chan was here, being so kind, reassuring, and comforting; but this was what Seungmin had been craving while alone with Eunseo. Now that he had it, he had to soak it all up before it disappeared again.

“You’re… disappointed,” he whispered, as if he were trying to get Chan to understand. His eyes burned harshly, and he squeezed them shut.

He’s going to say yes, that this is all out of pity, that he doesn’t really love me, that I’m not enough for him, that I—

“No, Min, I’m not. I’m not disappointed. I’m proud of you, okay? You’re so strong, baby. I’m really, really proud of you.”

Almost immediately, Seungmin was sobbing again, quiet but heartbreaking. It wasn’t only disappointment that he took to heart; it was proudness too.

Minho and Jisung stayed on the couch, not wanting to interrupt the intimate moment. Both Chan and Seungmin had been needing this for far too long.

“I’m sorry,” Chan mumbled, his hand firmly rubbing Seungmin’s back.

“But—”

“Shh, honey, let me speak. Just for a minute.” Seungmin just sniffled and hiccuped into Chan’s chest. “I’m sorry for letting you believe I was disappointed all this time. When I first said it, it was because I was tired, and the manager was pestering me about your absences. I didn’t know that you were going through so much. If I did, I would never have said that. It’s not your fault, okay? If anything, it’s my fault. I should have talked to you the moment I noticed that something was wrong. We understand why you never said anything or came to us, so we don’t blame you for that. We just wish we had done something sooner. And this morning, we shouldn’t have let our anger get the best of us. We know that you don’t like when we’re angry, and we took our eyes off of you. I’m sure it was overwhelming in the meeting, hm?”

Seungmin barely registered that Chan was asking him a question, so he nodded a few seconds later. Chan’s tone was too sincere for him to be lying, but Seungmin still felt guilty. He didn’t think he would ever stop feeling guilty. If he had just told someone the moment Eunseo had made him uncomfortable, none of this would have ever happened. He wouldn’t feel so much pain, so much fear, so much discomfort. His boyfriends wouldn’t feel so worried, so regretful.

It was Seungmin’s fault. Sure, the others could be a little guilty too, but there was no way around it. Seungmin could have easily prevented this.

He took a shaky breath, curling a little closer. There was a deep, sharp pain in his stomach, and more tears filled his eyes.

“Hurts,” he whimpered, unable to stop himself.

“What hurts?”

He thought for a moment. “E–Everything.”

Chan sighed. “We’ll help you, I promise. We’ll help you feel better. Is there anything we can do right now?”

Seungmin shook his head. He didn’t even want to think about how they could help. He wasn’t going to burden them even more.

Suddenly, the door opened, and Seungmin jumped out of his skin, suppressing a yelp. He felt so sensitive and fragile.

What if it was Eunseo? Or the manager? What if they came back to finish what they started? What if they took him again? What if they hurt him again?

He couldn’t breathe. He slowly peeked out of Chan’s arms, his heart beating out of his chest.

Oh. It was Felix. And behind him were Changbin, Hyunjin, and Jeongin.

Everyone was here.

It wasn’t relieving like it should have been. Seungmin now had seven people staring at him - seven people whom he had hurt badly.

With Chan, Seungmin had known how he had felt - or at least thought he knew. But he didn’t know what the others were feeling. Chan had said “we” many times, but that wasn’t enough proof. They could be mad.

Right now, Chan was Seungmin’s anchor. So he just turned and hid in Chan’s chest, trying to make himself as small as possible.

“You’re okay,” Chan murmured into his hair, tightening his hold. “You’re safe with us.”

Seungmin couldn’t stop himself from shaking his head. It wasn’t that he felt unsafe with them; it was the environment, the experiences, the pain, everything that had happened in this building that made him panic. The stylists’ room, the bathroom, the practice room, the meeting room, even this studio - none of it felt safe anymore.

He tugged on Chan’s sweatshirt, his breath picking up again.

“Home,” he choked out, remembering that Eunseo was in the building right now. “Please, can I—can we—”

“Yes,” Chan said quickly. “We’ll go home now. That’s okay.”

He adjusted his grip before standing. The moment Seungmin’s feet hit the floor, his vision went dark, and blood rushed in his ears, muffling his hearing. His arms fell limp along with the rest of his body, and he would have crumpled if it weren’t for Chan’s strong hold.

Seungmin wasn’t sure if he blacked out or fainted. The next thing he knew, he was exhausted, but he wasn’t on the floor anymore. He was in the air, bobbing up and down as he was moved. When he realized that he was in someone’s arms, he jerked, gasping. He looked up and saw Chan’s worried eyes.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” the eldest crooned. “We’re going home.”

Seungmin struggled a bit in his arms. Chan could feel all of his weight, his ribcage, his spine, how different he was - how disgusting he was.

“S–Sorry,” he warbled, fresh tears slipping down his cheeks.

Chan smiled sadly. “Don’t be sorry. We don’t blame you for anything.”

His voice was soft - almost too soft. The kind of soft that made Seungmin feel like he was being hugged by a cloud, kept safe from everything lurking on the ground.

“He’s right,” Jisung added quietly, walking beside Chan. “You’re with us now, and we’re never letting you go.”

A sob was building in Seungmin’s chest. As the seconds passed, he felt more and more disoriented, too exhausted and overwhelmed to properly think. In his head, all he heard was, “They’re not mad, they’re not disappointed, they’re staying, they’re safe.” It didn’t matter if any of that was true or not; it was stuck in his head like a mantra, over and over again.

For the first time in a month, he didn’t have to hide. He didn’t have to pretend. He didn’t have to push them away.

For the first time in a month, he felt safe.

---

He must have fallen asleep. When he woke up, he was lying on something firm and comfortable - a mattress. A blanket was draped carefully up to his shoulders, keeping him warm. It was quiet and peaceful.

But his body hurt.

A whimper escaped his throat before he could stop it, but he didn’t open his eyes. He couldn’t.

“Seungminnie,” someone said quietly. Seungmin shook his head.

He didn’t want to talk. He had told them enough, hadn’t he? He told them about Eunseo, he told Chan how sorry he was, he took the blame for everything. There wasn’t much more to say.

Now that they knew everything, they didn’t have to stay here. They didn’t need to keep an eye on Seungmin, waiting for him to break and spill all of his secrets. They could just deal with the problem and leave Seungmin alone.

Deep down, Seungmin knew that he didn’t want to be alone and that he wanted their love. But at the surface, he wanted to hide.

“Minnie, how are you feeling?”

They already knew the answer to that.

“You don’t have to talk to us, it’s okay. But we want to help you feel better. If there’s anything we can do, just let us know.”

Suddenly, Seungmin’s thoughts went a little deeper. The comfort he had felt in Chan’s arms just a few hours ago was insurmountable. He wanted that again.

No, he told himself. You don’t need that. You don’t deserve that.

So, he didn’t move. He didn’t speak. He just lay there while his boyfriends sat around him in deafening silence.

Until it was broken by his stomach growling - painfully.

He heard how his boyfriends shifted slightly at the sound. He could picture the disgust on their faces. He could feel their glares piercing into his skin through his thick clothes. He detected the faint scent of food - soup, he thought - coming from the kitchen. There was a bitter taste in his mouth.

Then his stomach growled again, and he bent his knees, trying to curl in on himself, to find a position that would just make it stop.

“Minnie…”

He shook his head.

“You should eat something, just a little.”

No.

“Maybe have some water?”

No.

“Minho hyung made some soup for us all.”

His stomach growled once again at the mention, and he gritted his teeth.

“We won’t force you.”

Seungmin would have scoffed if he were feeling up to it. All they had been doing was forcing him to be present, forcing him to go to therapy, forcing him to eat lunch, forcing him to sit out of schedules. Everything was forced.

Everything he could control was gone. His life wasn’t his anymore.

“Minnie—“

He suddenly bolted upright, shocking the room into silence. He opened his eyes while throwing the blanket off of his lap, and his vision darkened, but he pushed through it. He weaved through bodies until he was standing on the floor, light headed and groggy. Hands touched his shoulders, but he jerked away.

“No,” he gritted, not looking at anyone as he stormed out of the room. He nearly tripped over his own feet, but he found the bathroom and closed the door, locking it for good measure.

He felt bad for pushing them away again, but they were too much. The expectations were too much.

He sat on the floor with his back against the vanity, trying to catch his breath. No one called after him, no one tried to stop him from leaving. They were giving him the space he needed.

So why did loneliness creep up on him, squeezing his lungs and twisting his heart? This was what he wanted, and they knew that.

But there was still a part of him that wanted to seek them out, wanted them to chase him and show him that they cared. That part was outshone by his need to protect himself.

Sitting on the cold bathroom floor didn’t make him feel protected. He felt distant, untethered, unstable. He couldn’t breathe with the weight pressing down on him.

He was so focused on trying to breathe that he didn’t hear the knocks on the door or the gentle voice letting him know that he could take his time and they would wait for him. He didn’t hear the pain in his boyfriend’s tone or the way he fumbled over his words. All he heard was his own racing heart and the blood rushing in his ears.

Much to his surprise, the shortness of breath slowed into something calmer, and panic didn’t overwhelm him. He remained on the floor, his fingers twitching against his knees. His bony, gross knees.

A hand went to his stomach. It was flat, but he could feel his ribs, how they jutted out, contorting his body shape. He squeezed his waist - just like his boyfriends used to - and sucked in a breath. If he felt one of his boyfriends’ waists and it was this small, he would be worried, tell them to take care of themselves, to eat something, to put some meat on their bones. If it were one of his boyfriends, he wouldn’t watch them destroy themselves. If it were one of his boyfriends, he would—

His breath caught in his throat. This was exactly what Minho had been saying this morning. At that time, he had thought that it was unrelated because he and Felix were two very different people. But now, alone and desperate, all he could think about was how much he had fucked up for both himself and his boyfriends. For Eunseo or not, it was Seungmin’s fault.

He felt horrible. The comeback was postponed - or maybe even canceled at this point - the manager and Eunseo were in trouble, everyone thought that Seungmin was sick. He had ruined everything. His boyfriends should have broken up with him by now.

But they hadn’t, because for some reason they still loved him. They had been telling him that for days. After everything he had done, they still loved him.

Was this what unconditional love felt like? It was a term he had heard so many times; when no matter what someone did, they would still be loved. Love without conditions. Seungmin wasn’t sure if he deserved that, but his boyfriends were persistent.

Yet they weren’t consistently knocking on the door to make him come out. They were giving him space - what he needed - because they loved him.

More tears fell. It was still hard to believe.

His stomach growled again, and it suddenly felt one hundred times emptier than before. He bit his lip, dropping his forehead onto his knees.

He wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want to eat. But his whole body hurt no matter what he was thinking or feeling on the inside.

He was never going to feel better. He knew that now. Back when he had eaten cereal and broken down in the bathroom only to be found by Jisung, he knew that something wasn’t right. The emptiness hadn’t gone away. And now there was pain as well.

Maybe he was sick. He had been denying it this whole time, but maybe it was something he had to accept. He knew that being “sick” wasn’t always the flu or a cold; it was also mental. He knew that without Eunseo in the way, he should be ready to go back to old eating habits and build up his strength; but he wasn’t ready because he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to gain what he had lost.

He didn’t want to be healthy. If he didn’t want to be healthy, what options did he have? Most of the people around him wanted him to be healthy, and he had no way to avoid that.

He shook his head slightly. He shouldn’t avoid it. He loved his boyfriends, and they loved him. He hated feeling like this, both physically and mentally.

So why didn’t he want to get better? He truly didn’t understand.

He rested his cheek on his knee, staring at the wall. He was lost. He couldn’t do anything alone. He needed Eunseo to guide him.

No. He needed his boyfriends to guide him. He didn’t have her anymore. They would guide him in the opposite direction until Eunseo’s goals were simply specks in the distance. He shouldn’t be avoiding them like this.

That was almost enough to make him get up from the floor, but not quite. He was scared of their thoughts - about his body, his mind, his choices, his love - and actions - what they would tell him, ask him, do to him. He had no idea what they were thinking and doing right now.

But there was only one way to find out, and he couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever.

Slowly, Seungmin got onto his feet and stood, balancing himself on the wall when he wobbled. His vision blurred, and his breath hitched. The doorknob looked so far away, like something he could never reach. But he knew that it was only a step away.

He took that step, then another, his legs shaking. He held onto the doorknob with a weak grip, closing his eyes for a few seconds and taking a deep breath. He had to do this - not only for himself, but for everyone.

The door creaked as he pulled it open, and he flinched, gasping. The rest of the dorm was silent, and for a moment, he thought that he was alone, that they had left him, given up on him. He couldn’t blame them. He was only causing problems, after all. He would probably do the same thing.

“Seungmin?”

The sudden voice was loud in his ears. His head jerked up, and he saw Minho standing at the end of the hallway. Behind him was the living room, and Seungmin saw the others lounging around the room, their focus solely on him.

He glanced at Minho, then at the floor, then at Minho’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, unable to make eye contact. His eyes continued darting just about everywhere else. The others were frozen.

The main thing he noticed was that Chan wasn’t there, and his heart plummeted. Maybe it had all been a dream. Maybe he hadn’t actually been held by Chan like he was the most precious thing in the world.

But it had felt so real, and not only the contact - the love and care as well. He didn’t deserve it, but he received it. And now, when he was craving more, he couldn’t have it.

There was a reason that Chan wasn’t present, and Seungmin knew what it was.

“Don’t apologize,” Minho said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. He took a small step forward. “We’re taking everything at your pace. You can take your time.”

That wasn’t what he was apologizing for. He was apologizing for just being himself. He had been messing up too much recently.

He swallowed hard, inhaling deeply and shakily. He didn’t know what else to say or do now. All of the eyes on him were overwhelming - yet also underwhelming, because someone was missing.

“Chan hyung is at the company,” Jeongin said softly. “He wanted to be here - wants to be here - but he has responsibilities as the leader. He’ll come back soon.”

Chan hadn’t chosen to be absent. For a moment, Seungmin’s fingers twitched, hope rising in his chest - but then he remembered what Chan’s responsibilities were. He was going to get the manager and Eunseo fired, so they had to hire two new people, and with their head manager gone, the whole management team was sure to be a mess. Chan had to deal with that because of Seungmin.

“Hey,” Jisung murmured, now standing next to Minho. “Don’t blame yourself. Please. He isn’t upset with you. He’s just upset that you got hurt, and now he can’t be here. He loves you, Minnie.”

Seungmin didn’t know what to feel. His brain was leaning toward his boyfriends and trusting them, but he couldn’t fully believe them. He didn’t think they were lying, but it was difficult to comprehend their reassurances.

He reminded himself of why he had come out of the bathroom, why he was standing here in front of his boyfriends. He wanted to know what they were thinking. But the amount of attention on him was too much, and he was too much of a coward to speak up.

Jisung took Minho’s hand and led him back to the living room, not looking away from Seungmin.

“We’ll be in here for a while,” he said casually. “You can join us if you want, okay?”

When Seungmin nodded, Jisung turned away. All of the eyes were gone.

Seungmin wasn’t sure how to feel about that. It was probably better this way - without the pressure and expectations.

He slowly retreated to his room, closing the door behind himself. He felt even more isolated than he had in the bathroom. When the dizziness reappeared, he sat down on his bed, not too keen on passing out alone in his room.

While he was grateful for the lack of pressure, he now had no one to talk to. He just wanted someone who could answer his questions without being overbearing, overly considerate, or intimidating.

A name immediately came to mind.

He couldn’t talk to Chan. Jisung and Jeongin were very understanding and sympathetic, but they were too sensitive to give him honest feedback without letting their emotions get the best of them. Hyunjin and Felix would be too cautious and worried about doing something wrong, so it would be awkward and uncomfortable. Changbin had been very angry recently due to this whole situation, especially today with the manager.

That left Seungmin with Minho. Minho wasn’t one to beat around the bush or sugarcoat things. He had been trying to understand Seungmin’s feelings since day one. He wasn’t easily offended or aggravated. He handled everything calmly and simply.

Minho was the best choice, but Seungmin was still scared to reach out. What if Minho confirmed his fears? Seungmin didn’t know what he would do if that happened - if he found out that they were upset with him, they thought he looked bad, they thought he was gross. Although he kept thinking about those things being true, he was silently praying for them to be false.

He didn’t reach out right away. He lay down on his bed for a while, trying to calm down and pull himself together. He had to ignore the cramps in his gut and the building ache in his head. He had to come to terms with the constant hunger and pain.

The longer he lay there, the stronger the pain became, but it wasn’t his stomach - it was his chest. He felt like he was suffocating in the silence, the loneliness, the longing. Less than two months ago he had been healthy and happy with his boyfriends. Everything had been going well. They had been happy.

How had it all gone downhill so quickly? Seungmin felt like he never had a chance to pause, to catch his breath, to think properly. He always just did what he was told to do. He had stopped questioning Eunseo after a few days. He had just let himself be controlled by her, and now, everyone was suffering because of it. Because of him.

His eyes burned, but no tears fell. He had made a huge mistake, and he didn’t think he could fix it.

But he had to do something, right? He couldn’t do nothing while his boyfriends tried to mend what he had broken. He didn’t think he would be able to help unless he stopped pushing them away. He would have to talk to them, or at least be near them.

He almost sat up. He almost reached out. But then fear constricted his lungs, and he hesitated.

It really shouldn’t have been this difficult. He needed his boyfriends, and they needed him.

So why couldn’t he do it?

---

A lot of time passed - so much that it was dinnertime. And he still wasn’t ready.

A knock on his door made him flinch.

“Seungmin-ah?” Hyunjin called. “We’re going to eat together. Do you want to join us?”

Seungmin didn’t move. He remained curled up on his bed, waiting for the inevitable. They were going to open the door and force him to come out and eat. He didn’t have a choice.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” Felix added. “We’re having fried chicken. But there’s also rice if you want some.”

Fried chicken. Seungmin loved fried chicken. That love had been ruined a month ago after he met Eunseo. They had fried chicken for dinner, and he remembered feeling like he would literally never be able to resist chicken. That had scared him. Now, it made his gut twist.

When he didn’t respond, Hyunjin and Felix walked away. Seungmin knew that he was upsetting them - pushing them away - but he didn’t have the energy or willpower to get up and eat with them. He couldn’t even sit with them.

He curled up tighter, pulling the blanket up to his chin and ignoring the cramps in his stomach. It was just so much easier to hide and not have to confront anything. It was pathetic and weak, but that was what Seungmin was. He wasn’t sure if he would ever change.

It would be so easy to go to the kitchen and sit down without a word, showing his boyfriends that he still cared about them. It would be so easy to send Minho a short text, asking a question or for him to come to his room so he could get the answers he was craving. It would be so easy to just admit that he wasn’t hungry, wasn’t feeling well, because they already knew that truth.

But it wasn’t so easy to forget.

Then, sometime later, there was another knock on his door.

“I left the rice in the fridge,” Minho said. Seungmin’s heart was pounding. “You can have whatever you want. At least drink some water, okay? Do you need anything?”

This was his chance. This was the best chance he was going to get. It was free, simple, and here; he didn’t need to seek Minho out.

However, when he opened his mouth, his throat tightened, and nothing came out. He heard a soft sigh, then footsteps padding down the hallway.

Suddenly, he remembered that this wasn’t just his room. Minho and Hyunjin shared this room with him. But it was dark outside, and neither of them had even attempted to enter the room.

It could be a sign of disappointment or annoyance. They could have been avoiding him, not wanting to be near him and his baggage. But after hearing their kind, thoughtful words and patience, he couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t out of something negative. It was out of something positive and kind.

They weren’t only giving him space. They were giving him a choice; they were giving him freedom.

And that, he thought, wouldn’t be easy to forget either.

Chapter Text

Seungmin never talked to Minho. After chickening out twice, he wasn’t brave enough to try again. He would rather wait and see what happened.

That night, he slept surprisingly well. It was something he hadn’t realized he needed. His body had time to recharge, and his head wasn’t full of negativities for hours. When he woke up, he felt calm and refreshed.

But the pain was still there.

It was different now. He felt like his stomach was going to start growling at any second, and he pressed his hand against it with a grimace. He needed to find a remedy for it.

He sighed. There already was a remedy, but he had been avoiding it for so long that it felt wrong now. He knew that it wasn’t wrong - it was a necessity to be alive - but he didn’t like it.

He used to love food. Chicken, kimchi, eggs, and a wide array of foreign food - it was all delicious. How had that love disappeared so quickly? It was sad to think about. He couldn’t enjoy what he used to. Instead, he barely enjoyed anything.

Actually, the only thing he had enjoyed recently was his boyfriends. Being at the company just made him uncomfortable and nervous, but being in the dorm with them was much calmer. He was still nervous, but he wasn’t uncomfortable. He knew them. They were giving him the space he was asking for. The only thing they wanted was for him to feel better, and he wanted that too. He just didn’t know how.

But, again, he knew the remedy.

His stomach growled, and he swore that it deflated as well. His waist was so small.

He wasn’t so sure he liked it anymore. At first, he had liked losing weight because he was making others happy, but it soon turned into a rigorous chore. The satisfaction he used to feel when he saw the numbers dropping had turned into disgust. And now he didn’t have to do it anymore.

Really, what was the harm in eating? The only outcomes were him gaining weight and feeling better - exactly what his boyfriends wanted.

After everything they had done for him, he at least had to try. He had to make an effort. If not for himself, for them.

When he sat up, his vision darkened and his head spun. He used his hands to stabilize himself. His breathing was uneven, and his heart was beating too quickly. Nonetheless, he continued, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and standing.

That was a mistake. His body tilted before he knew it, and he fell back against the bed, sliding down to the floor. He was so lightheaded and dizzy that he almost felt sick. Fear gripped his heart, squeezing it while it beat too loudly in his ears.

He slowly calmed down and took a minute to just breathe. He couldn’t even stand up on his own, yet he called himself an idol. He really couldn’t do this anymore. The crushing terror that hit him every time he was close to passing out was completely different from his terror with Eunseo. With her, he had been scared of her disappointment and abuse; but now, he was scared of losing the battle with his body. He was scared of falling and never getting back up. He was scared of losing everything important to him - his job and his members.

So, he stood again, much more carefully. The dizziness was bearable now, but his head felt a little stuffy, like there was cotton in his ears. He didn’t like it.

He wasn’t really thinking as he grabbed the doorknob and twisted it, pulling the door open. He stepped out into the hallway, and it almost felt like he was in a different world completely. He was open and exposed, without anything separating him from the others.

But he kept moving anyway. He reached the edge of the kitchen and paused. If no one was there, he could find something small, like a protein bar, and just go back to his room. If someone was there, they were probably going to take control of the situation. Seungmin just hoped that they wouldn’t force anything on him; that would only cause him to retreat back into his shell.

All he wanted was to put something in his stomach to quell the pain. He wasn’t sure if anything was capable of that, but he didn’t have the best judgment when it came to food.

He lifted his eyes and saw Jeongin sitting at the counter, sipping his drink and holding his phone. He was looking up at Seungmin, having noticed the older boy approaching.

Seungmin wasn’t sure what to expect from him. He hadn’t seen anyone since yesterday, and yesterday had been a complete mess. He had barely even seen Jeongin.

But Jeongin was the one who understood. He understood that Seungmin didn’t want to eat, and that pushing him would make things worse. He understood that Seungmin hated being treated differently. He knew how to act around Seungmin without making him feel inferior, weak, or self-conscious.

When Jeongin stood, Seungmin didn’t flinch or step back. Instead, he stepped forward. He wobbled, and Jeongin was in front of him within a second, his hands wrapping around Seungmin’s forearms to stabilize him. The warmth of his touch was comforting.

“Are you feeling okay?” Jeongin asked quietly, his eyebrows furrowed. He shifted to hold Seungmin’s hands instead, and the older boy relaxed slightly. He hadn’t realized that he tensed when Jeongin’s fingers curled around his arm.

He nodded and gulped. He had to speak now.

“I–I’m… I just—I’m sorry, but I feel bad and want it to stop.”

Desperation seeped into his tone, and Jeongin rubbed soothing circles on Seungmin’s knuckles.

“Hey,” he whispered adamantly, “you don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault, okay? I’ll help you, I promise. Whatever you want.”

Jeongin leaned in and pressed a slow, sweet kiss to Seungmin’s cheek, then he didn’t pull away. He kept his nose a breath away from Seungmin’s, and butterflies filled the older boy’s stomach. He was reminded of why he had come out here.

“I–I don’t…” He sucked in a breath, his gaze flitting over Jeongin’s face before finally settling on his dark brown eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts, and it—it’s never gonna go away.”

He didn’t specify what he was talking about; he couldn’t. Half of him was expecting Jeongin to say that it would go away eventually, they would find something to ease the pain, it was okay.

But this was Jeongin.

“I’m sorry that you feel that way,” Jeongin murmured. “Thank you for coming to me. You’re so brave for speaking up. I know it was difficult. But you’re making progress, okay? I can see it. I’m so proud of you.”

Seungmin’s breath hitched. His eyes filled with tears, and he sniffled.

Jeongin was proud. Hearing that made Seungmin feel a little less unstable, a little less vulnerable, and a little more confident.

Jeongin kissed him again - on the lips this time, intimate and purposeful. One hand went up to cup Seungmin’s cheek, thumbing away the tears that escaped. His pace was slow, not rushing Seungmin to do anything he wasn’t ready for. He sighed quietly, showing that he was content like this - content with simply feeling Seungmin.

Seungmin felt safe. But more importantly, he felt loved.

Jeongin slowly pulled back, and Seungmin immediately missed the feeling, but he didn’t chase it.

“What can I do?” Jeongin whispered, still holding Seungmin’s cheek.

The nerves were suddenly back in full force, and Seungmin looked away shyly. He felt safe and loved, yet it was still difficult to say something so simple. He just wanted to eat something small, but he didn’t know how to say that. He didn’t want Jeongin to think he wanted a meal, yet he also didn’t want to admit that he couldn’t eat that much.

The more he thought about it, the more he thought it was a bad idea. Maybe he should have just stayed in his room.

“Hyung,” Jeongin said, gently guiding Seungmin to look at him again. “It’s just me. Hyungs are resting in their rooms. You can tell me anything, yeah? Or you don’t have to talk. It’s up to you.”

Seungmin took a deep, slow breath. He had to do this for Jeongin.

“I want to… to—to eat something. Small.”

His voice was tiny and unsure, as if Jeongin would mock him - but that would never happen.

“Okay,” Jeongin said simply. “Do you know what you want?”

Jeongin’s calm demeanor was enough to make Seungmin’s anxiety die down. He shook his head, and Jeongin smiled.

“That’s okay, hyung. I’m just happy that you’re being honest with me.”

Seungmin’s chest shuddered. This much praise felt weird, but he couldn’t say that he disliked it. He definitely didn’t.

“Do eggs sound good?”

That was something Seungmin had noticed over time. The others figured out that eggs were his “safe food,” something that he could eat without feeling guilty. Right now, it was probably the only viable option, because the thought of any other food made Seungmin’s gut churn.

He nodded, and Jeongin’s smile widened. He took a step back and tugged on Seungmin’s hand, guiding him to his vacant barstool.

“I’ll make some, and we can share them,” Jeongin told him, walking to the fridge. “I just woke up a few minutes ago.”

It was then that Seungmin saw the time. It was only seven twenty-four in the morning. Since he had skipped dinner, he had probably fallen asleep early. He wondered how much sleep Jeongin had gotten.

He watched Jeongin move around the kitchen, gathering supplies beside the stove. He didn’t seem to have any issues making food for Seungmin. He didn’t mind going out of his way. He even looked peaceful and content as he cracked the eggs into the pan. Seungmin wasn’t sure why he latched onto these small details, but finding and remembering them made him feel more relaxed.

Before he knew it, Jeongin was dumping the eggs onto two plates. Even from a distance Seungmin could tell that it was too much food. Jeongin brought it over, and Seungmin’s anxiety spiked.

But the maknae always noticed.

“You can eat as much or as little as you want. We’ll put leftovers in the fridge.”

That eased some of the anxiety. Jeongin sat down beside him nonchalantly.

As Jeongin started eating, Seungmin picked up his chopsticks, but then he paused. He looked down at the eggs - the one thing he thought he could eat - and hesitated.

His body didn’t want to eat. But he did. He swore that he did.

Just like that, Seungmin was overwhelmed again. His mind and body could never agree, even on something that he knew he needed.

He just wanted the pain to go away. He wanted to go back in time. He wanted to please his boyfriends. He always wanted and wanted and wanted, but he never got.

A hand landed on his back, and he flinched.

“Don’t force yourself,” Jeongin said softly. “If you’re not ready, that’s okay. You can go at your own pace. Don’t let me pressure you.”

Don’t let me pressure you. Seungmin hadn’t heard that one before. He nodded, and Jeongin rubbed his back for a few seconds before returning to his own eggs.

Suddenly, Seungmin felt motivated to eat as well. Maybe it was because of how understanding Jeongin was, and that made him feel more comfortable eating. He didn’t know the true cause, but he was going to take it in stride.

He picked up a piece of egg, his fingers shaking so badly that he nearly lost control of the chopsticks. He lifted it higher. Then a little higher. When it finally entered his mouth, part of him wanted to spit it out. The other part of him wanted to gobble it down. He hated how torn he was.

His jaw moved slowly while he chewed. He eventually swallowed, and for a moment, panic gripped him. It felt like the egg had disappeared once it went down his throat. He was always going to feel this empty. It was never going to end.

Then, he felt it - the slightest bit of satisfaction, the additional hunger, the small amount of pride.

Maybe eating was possible after all.

Those feelings weren’t quite enough. He managed two more bites, but then it felt like a chore again. He couldn’t eat any more unless he wanted to feel sick, so he set the chopsticks down with a shaky sigh. He glanced at Jeongin, who smiled again.

“You did really well, hyung,” he whispered. “It’s good to take it slow. We’ll be waiting for you no matter what.”

Seungmin nodded, leaning back in his seat. He actually felt a little better than he had this morning, but the pain was nowhere near gone. He knew that it would take time.

He realized that Jeongin hadn’t eaten much more than him, and somehow, that made him feel even better.

Jeongin combined their plates, wrapped them, and put them in the fridge, then he returned to Seungmin’s side.

“Hey, remember that SEVENTEEN music video I told you about?”

Seungmin did. It had only been a few days ago after eating lunch with Hyunjin. He hadn’t thought about it since.

“Here, I’ll show it to you now. I’ve been listening to their album too.”

Jeongin pulled the video up on his phone, holding it up on the counter for them both to see. As Seungmin watched, he took slow breaths, trying to just feel the warmth of the moment. Jeongin was taking care of him, but Seungmin didn’t feel fully dependent on him. Jeongin knew how to calm him down without making it a big deal - like he wasn’t going out of his way. Seungmin knew that he was, though.

He hadn’t thought about Eunseo much this morning, and he wanted to keep it that way. He would rather think of Jeongin.

A door opened down the hall, and footsteps soon followed.

“Jeongin-ah, Chan hyung needs help at the company. Management is really pissing him off. He’s—”

Hyunjin walked into the kitchen and froze. His eyes bounced between Seungmin and Jeongin before he untensed and slowly approached them.

“How are you feeling?” he asked Seungmin, running his fingers through the younger boy’s hair.

“What’s wrong?” Seungmin whispered, ignoring the question in lieu of exploring a new, important topic.

Hyunjin hesitated, and Seungmin’s heart beat faster.

“Tell us, hyung,” Jeongin said, turning off his phone. “We should know.”

Seungmin was finally included in something. He wanted to be happy about that, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t be.

Hyunjin sighed. “Well, there was enough evidence against Eunseo to get her fired. Management doesn’t want to look into civil lawsuits because it would bring attention to the situation and we probably wouldn’t win. They’ll go for a restraining order that applies to the whole company. We should have enough evidence for that. But…”

“But what?” Seungmin asked anxiously, his gut churning. He felt sick. He didn’t like this conversation.

“The manager won’t face any punishment. Apparently he did nothing wrong.”

Jeongin took a shaky breath while Seungmin stared at the wall, clenching and unclenching his fists. He didn’t know what to think. He had only found out about the manager’s involvement yesterday, as did everyone else. He didn’t know what the manager had done.

The thought of Eunseo still being out there, still being able to reach him, was scary. He was deciding right now that he was officially done with her. He couldn’t keep reaching aimlessly for her goals.

But he remembered her last words perfectly. They were ingrained in his brain.

“Oh, I’ll make him cooperate one way or another. If he won’t do it willingly, I’ll make sure he has no choice but to comply. I won’t tolerate failure.”

What if she came for him? There wasn’t a restraining order yet. Would she still make him comply although she wasn’t his stylist? How determined and confident was she? Seungmin wasn’t sure if he would fight her if she tried again. He was too weak mentally, not only physically. Even the sight of her made him cower.

“I mean, we don’t know anything about what he did,” Jeongin said. “He knew, but what else? Nothing? If he didn’t do anything, I don’t think there’s any evidence.”

They both looked at Seungmin, who shrunk, trying to control his breathing.

“Minnie,” Hyunjin said softly, crouching in front of him. “Is there anything you can tell us?”

Seungmin shook his head. Hyunjin placed a careful hand on his knee.

“You can be honest, baby. It’s just us.”

“I don’t know,” Seungmin mumbled quietly. “I… found out yesterday too.”

It was difficult for him to say, and he didn’t know why. It wasn’t like it was embarrassing or dangerous for him to tell them that he knew nothing. Maybe he was scared that they didn’t believe him - didn’t trust him. They probably didn’t.

“Okay,” Hyunjin replied. “That’s okay. That’s good, actually. I’m glad he didn’t hurt you. I just wish there was some kind of evidence against him.”

“We could file a complaint or something?” Jeongin suggested. “So he isn’t our manager anymore. I don’t know if there’s someone to fill his spot.”

Hyunjin nodded in thought. “We’ll figure it out. But we won’t let him do anything to any of us, that’s for sure. We’re a family, we stick together.”

Seungmin’s breath hitched. It wasn’t just about him getting hurt; he was glad that Hyunjin acknowledged that this could happen to any of them. He still felt weaker than them - like they would have been able to defend themselves, unlike him - but he didn’t feel as pathetic and isolated as before.

“What if…” Seungmin gulped, nervous to finish the question. “What if she… comes back?”

He hated how scared he sounded, but he needed to know. If she came back, would he end up stuck with her? Or would something - or someone - come in between them to keep her away? He needed to be prepared.

“If she comes back,” Hyunjin said firmly and softly, “we won’t let her come anywhere near you. We won’t make another mistake like that again.”

Seungmin shuddered. He imagined her returning and his boyfriends confronting her. Would they really do that for him?

“We’ve got you,” Hyunjin added, rubbing Seungmin’s knee, “and we won’t let you go.”

Seungmin sighed shakily, nodding. He wanted to trust them - and thought that he did - but for some reason, his mind was stuck. He had been with them when this all started. He felt like Eunseo would find a way to get him alone like she had before. It had been so easy. Just one small conversation had Seungmin overthinking and anxious. One small assignment had him tearing himself apart piece by piece. One small sentence had him cowering on the floor like a rug to be walked all over, to gather the grime on the bottom of peoples’ shoes.

Then, his boyfriends had been there to pick him up and wipe him off. He wasn’t clean - maybe he never would be - but he was upright. He was broken, but no longer breaking.

“She…” He paused to clear his throat. “She, um… She…”

He didn’t know if he could tell them. But the soft, encouraging, patient look in their eyes won him over.

“Sh–She said that… she wouldn’t tolerate failure. She’d… make me… comply. Then you showed up. She won’t stop. The manager, he—he said she could just, like… start over. In a different group. With a different idol. He…”

Seungmin’s eyes burned harshly, and he bit his lip, but it was too late. The words were coming out.

“H–He said this is supposed to make the group look b–better, but it’s making—I’m making us all look so weak. W–We can’t be successful like… like th–this, and it’s… all ‘cause of me. I’m sorry, I–I tried, I did, but—it was—t–too much, and…”

He could barely breathe through his tears. Guilt was hitting him full force. He had almost forgotten about how their public image would take a huge toll, especially once this story got out. Eunseo was being fired and getting a restraining order; the public was going to know about it soon enough. They would know that she did something bad. That she hurt an idol. And it wouldn’t take long for them to narrow it down. The whole group had been less active online recently, and Seungmin couldn’t remember the last time he sent a message on Bubble. He hoped that STAY wasn't disappointed already.

“Hey, hey,” Hyunjin said, scooting a little closer. One of his hands went up to Seungmin’s cheek. “Breathe, baby. Deep breaths.”

Seungmin took a few, but he still felt horrible.

“Don’t apologize anymore. I don’t want to hear a single ‘sorry’ leave your mouth from now on, okay? If we thought that you needed to be sorry, we would have told you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You tried - you always try your best. And they took advantage of that. You’re a hard worker, and you want to make people happy. That’s not a bad thing.”

It felt like a bad thing. Seungmin should have been stronger. He couldn’t help but shake his head, squeezing out a few more tears.

“It’s true,” Jeongin added quietly. “You’re the hardest worker out of all of us. You carry so much on your shoulders, and you’re still standing. Even after everything, you’re still here with us. Do you really think we’ll just sit back and pretend that you’re not hurting?”

“I literally can’t do that,” Hyunjin interrupted, letting out a soft, sad chuckle. Seungmin stared at his lap, tears silently streaming. “God, Seungmin. Even right now, just seeing you cry… It breaks my heart. I want—Can I hug you? Please?”

Pain was so evident in Hyunjin’s voice that all Seungmin could do was nod. Hyunjin stood and pulled him into a tight, firm hug, pressing his face into Seungmin’s hair like it belonged there. He took deep, shaky breaths, his hands shifting every few seconds like he wanted to feel more - comfort more.

And Seungmin hugged him back. Then Jeongin joined the embrace, and it was warm, comfortable, and safe.

Slowly, Seungmin stopped crying. He still felt guilty and scared, but here with his boyfriends, it was a little easier to bear.

“Thank you for telling us,” Hyunjin whispered a few minutes later, sniffling. “It means a lot that you’re comfortable enough to share those things.”

Jeongin nodded in agreement. He pulled back slightly, but his hand never left Seungmin’s shoulder.

“Hyunjin?”

Seungmin immediately tensed at the new voice, and Hyunjin rubbed his back. They finally separated and looked up to see Changbin. Changbin glanced at Seungmin, taking in the tears on his cheeks, his red eyes, and the way he was shaking just slightly, then took a few steps forward, looking at Hyunjin.

“We need to leave soon,” he said hesitantly. “Only if that’s okay.”

Seungmin felt three pairs of eyes on him now, like they were assessing his state to figure out if they needed to stay.

“You can go,” he whispered roughly. “I’m okay.”

“You’re not,” Jeongin said softly. “We don’t all need to go, right?”

Changbin shook his head. “It can just be me, Minho hyung, and Felix if you both want to stay. Jisung didn’t sleep last night, so he’s resting.”

“I’ll stay,” Hyunjin said immediately, followed by a nod from Jeongin.

“Just call us if anything comes up.”

“Definitely.” Changbin turned to Seungmin. “Do you want to go? If you do, we won’t stop you.”

Seungmin didn’t want to go; he didn’t want to face the company again, the memories, the staff who knew everything, management, the manager. But he also did want to go. He wanted to know what was going on. And maybe he wanted to see his boyfriends fight for him.

He just shook his head. He knew that he would only slow things down, and he didn’t trust himself not to panic or make a mess. He didn’t need to do that again.

Changbin stepped forward, and before Seungmin could think, a kiss was pressed to his forehead and hands were combing his hair back. Then there was a kiss on his nose, and he met Changbin’s eyes just before the lips were on his own. It was soft and warm, and for a second, Seungmin forgot about all of the bad things.

“We’ll keep you updated,” Changbin said as he pulled back, smiling. “Don’t stress too much, okay? We’ll get everything taken care of. You’re safe here.”

Seungmin believed that they would get everything taken care of. But he didn’t believe that it would happen smoothly, nor that it would go the way they planned. Something would go wrong, and they would have to settle for something else that wasn’t nearly as comfortable. But they were going to try, so Seungmin couldn’t complain.

Changbin left to retrieve Minho and Felix, and when they returned, the other two boys kissed Seungmin as well. For some reason, he wanted to cry.

They went to the company, leaving Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin in silence. It was a little awkward, but also comfortable now. Seungmin sniffled silently and fidgeted with his fingers, waiting anxiously for news from the others. But it was way too soon for that.

“Wanna head to the living room?” Hyunjin suggested.

Seungmin shook his head. He felt like being alone to process the new - and old - information. He needed to mentally prepare himself for everything that could possibly happen - both good and bad. Either way, his stomach churned painfully.

The trio split, Hyunjin and Jeongin going to watch a movie and Seungmin going to his room. The silence and isolation inside was welcomed.

He lay on his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling.

He just wanted it to end.

---

Smoke was blowing out of Chan’s ears. At least, that was what it felt like - thick, gray, clouding frustration that wasn’t quite ready for the downpour. But it was close.

He had tried to stay at home with the others, but he had to protect their future. The manager had called him not even thirty minutes after Seungmin had locked himself in the bathroom. Chan almost couldn’t leave; he continued telling the others to take care of Seungmin and let him know if anything happened or they needed help until the dorm door closed behind him. He was able to return to the dorm in the early morning when everyone except for Minho and Jisung were asleep, only to be called in three hours later. He hadn’t been able to see Seungmin. Anxiety had swallowed him whole, and Minho tried to reassure him.

When he had walked into the meeting room that morning, the manager was there. Chan almost flew forward and punched him - he hadn’t been able to yesterday - but he held himself back with a deep breath and clenched fists. The manager didn’t look nervous or guilty in the slightest.

The first meeting had been about Eunseo, and this one was about the manager. Higher-ups were there, including JYP himself. They all agreed that there was no reason to punish the manager, not even with suspension. Chan argued that the manager had known about Eunseo’s abuse, but the manager had claimed that he found out last night when he walked in on it. It was a stupid excuse, but even Chan wasn’t one hundred percent sure that he was lying. The manager hadn’t been hurting Seungmin when they walked in, and he had been in an intense conversation with Eunseo. They could have been arguing.

But Chan didn’t believe that. The manager had been in the room with Eunseo and Seungmin, who was curled up on the floor. If he didn’t know about what Eunseo had been doing, he should have rushed to help Seungmin. But he didn’t.

Chan got so worked up that he was asked to leave, to take a few minutes to calm down. So he walked out, down two hallways, and sat on the floor with his head in his hands. Five minutes passed before he decided to call Changbin. He needed help, no matter how difficult it was to admit.

He waited until the others arrived - Minho, Changbin, and Felix. They took one look at him and saw how drained he was.

“Hyung,” Felix whispered, crouching beside him. “Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?”

Felix’s breath hitched. Chan sighed, rubbing his face.

“I’m sorry. I just… I’m so mad. I really don’t think he’s innocent, but they won’t fucking listen to me. They barely listened to me about Eunseo too. I don’t know what to do.”

It was quiet while Minho and Changbin sat in front of and beside him. Changbin rested a hand on Chan’s shoulder and leaned a little closer, holding his phone up.

“Look, hyung. Hyunjin and Jeongin were with Seungmin this morning, and Jinnie just sent me this.”

Chan dragged his eyes up to the screen. Within seconds, they were widening.

It read: Minnie told us that the manager was talking to Eunseo about everything last night while he was with them. The manager offered Eunseo a position to “start over” in another group with a different idol. I think you know what that means. And he said that this was supposed to make our group look better, but it’s doing the opposite. I don’t know how this situation could benefit us in any way. I thought I should let you know since you’re going to talk about the manager. Love you.

“Fuck,” Chan gasped, standing. “This helps. This really helps. I hate it so much, but it’ll help.”

The other three agreed and stood with him, walking back to the meeting room. When they walked in, the staff members raised eyebrows.

“This isn’t an open meeting,” one of them said, his voice gruff.

“I don’t care,” Chan spat. He took the phone and showed it to them. “He knew about it from the start. He wanted her to hurt Seungmin. Seungmin admitted it.”

The manager stiffened, and Chan could finally breathe. This was going to work. This had to work.

They all crowded around the phone, reading carefully, and Chan stepped back with the others, greeted by hands on his back and shoulders.

JYP looked at the manager.

“You said that all of this would be good for Stray Kids? They’re going to be on hiatus. That’s not good.”

“Y–You don’t understand—”

“Is it true that you offered Eunseo a second chance at abusing an idol?”

“I never said abuse—”

“You know what I mean.”

It went silent. Changbin stepped forward.

“We don’t want him to be our manager anymore,” he said firmly. “If you don’t fire him, he can’t be our manager. We refuse.”

“He won’t be,” JYP said. “You can’t have a manager you don’t get along with. Stray Kids is one of our best, we can’t afford to lose you.”

Chan sighed shakily.

“Answer me.”

The manager stared forward, his arms crossed and teeth grinding.

“Is it true or not?”

JYP’s voice was loud and demanding - enough to make Chan flinch. It got through to the manager. He just nodded.

He wasn’t fighting nearly as hard as Eunseo had when they had confronted her a while ago. It made some sense; the manager hadn’t had much to do with the situation directly, and he hadn’t been in the spotlight like she had, so he was easier to break.

JYP gave Chan the phone back. He was eerily calm. The other staff members looked surprised and sad.

Chan was just full of relief. He was sure that his boyfriends were too.

“You four can go,” JYP told them. “We’ll handle this.”

Minho’s brows furrowed. “We can’t know what you decide?”

“I’ll call you later. For now, you’re dismissed.”

The members slowly filed out of the room. They stood in the hallway for a few seconds, looking at each other. Then Changbin took his phone from Chan’s hand, replacing it with his own and squeezing rhythmically. Chan tried to breathe with it.

“Studio,” Changbin said.

Chan looked at him. Shouldn’t they be going home to the others? To Seungmin? But Changbin looked back with a certain glint in his eyes - the one he only had when he was with Chan. The one he only had when something was wrong with Chan.

So, they walked. When they got there, they settled on the couch, Felix climbing onto Minho’s lap. Changbin was still holding Chan’s hand, and Chan closed his eyes, leaning his head back.

“That went well,” Felix whispered, playing with Minho’s hair. “Right?”

“Yeah,” Changbin murmured. “When hyung called me earlier, I really thought we were screwed. Thank God Hyunjin texted me.”

“Thank God Minnie talked to him,” Minho countered. “That’s progress. He opened up.”

The tension in the room eased with that. Then Felix leaned forward, moving his hand to Chan’s head.

“Hyung?”

Chan slowly opened his eyes. He was exhausted and didn’t bother to hide it.

“You need rest, hyung,” Changbin said softly, rubbing Chan’s thigh. “We should probably get home before you pass out. I just thought we should come here to calm down a bit.”

And they did calm down. Chan wouldn’t have let his body relax if they weren’t in their own, private space.

Suddenly, Chan was being hauled up to his feet. He hadn’t even noticed that the others stood.

“Let’s go,” Changbin sighed, wrapping an arm around Chan’s waist as they walked out.

“Thank you guys,” Chan mumbled. “Really. I was so stressed. You saved me.”

“You did good, hyung,” Minho said. “You’re the one who came here overnight. You’re the one who got these meetings going. You’re the one taking the brunt of the responsibilities and pressure from the company. We owe everything to you.”

Chan shook his head. “No, you guys—You all took care of Seungmin. When he was avoiding me, when he was scared, when he broke, you were there. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank us for that. You would have done the same if you were allowed to. He misses you. He was upset when you weren’t there last night.”

Chan stopped walking, halting all of them.

“He.. He was?”

He sounded crushed, and he was. He couldn’t let Seungmin think that he didn’t want to be there, that he was mad or disappointed. He had made some progress with Seungmin’s trust yesterday. He didn’t want to lose that again.

“Hey,” Changbin whispered, stepping in front of him. “He understands. I’m sure he does. When we get home, and after you take a nap, you can talk to him. We’ll tell him about the meeting, but you can talk to him about anything else. After you rest. Okay?”

Chan rubbed his eyes, nodding. He felt like he was going to fall over, and more emotional turmoil had just been added, making it worse.

They continued walking to Minho’s car - deciding to leave Chan’s there - and got inside quickly. The drive was silent, sans the low voices from the radio. Chan almost nodded off, but he managed to hold himself up. He wanted to at least see Seungmin before he went to bed.

He was barely aware of his surroundings when they parked, took the elevator, and entered the dorm. Changbin led him straight to the bedrooms. No one was in the kitchen as they passed it.

Chan was gently pushed into a room - whose, he didn’t know - but a body was already sprawled out on one of the beds. The hand on his back led him there, and within seconds, Chan was lying down, an arm over the other boy’s waist, the cogs in his brain slowing. He took a deep breath of Jisung’s cologne. He shifted a little closer.

Then he was out.

Chapter Text

When Chan woke up, there was a heavy weight on his chest. Part of him thought it might be Seungmin - the one person he needed to see - but he knew that it wasn’t. Looking down, he saw Jisung’s fluffy, brown hair. The younger boy had a hand twisted in Chan’s shirt while the other one held his phone up on the mattress, a cartoon playing on low volume. Chan almost didn’t want to disturb him, but he had other priorities.

He ran his hand through Jisung’s hair, and he flinched before looking up.

“Hey,” Jisung whispered, his voice groggy and cracking. “Sleep okay?”

Chan nodded. “Did you?”

Jisung shrugged. He looked tired, but he had been asleep when Chan got home, so he at least slept a little bit. Insomnia definitely wasn’t uncommon for him, and in the midst of such a severe, stressful situation, it was bound to affect him more.

“What time is it?”

Jisung glanced at his phone. “A little after three. Afternoon.”

Good. The others should still be awake.

“Do you mind if I get up?” he asked softly.

“‘Course, hyung,” Jisung said immediately, sitting up. He pressed a kiss to Chan’s chest before getting out of bed, holding out his hand.

Once they were both standing, they left together. Jisung said something about going to see Minho, but Chan went to the kitchen. Inside were Changbin, Hyunjin, and Jeongin.

“Where’s Seungmin?” Chan asked before they could get a word out.

“His room,” Hyunjin said. “Did you sleep well, hyung?”

Chan nodded. “Does he need to be alone or can I talk to him?”

His own health wasn’t nearly as important as Seungmin’s right now. The others knew that too, although they wouldn’t say it.

“Just knock,” Jeongin said carefully. “He hasn’t left his room since breakfast.”

Chan’s brows furrowed. “Breakfast? Did he eat?”

“A little. Two bites of eggs, maybe. But it was something.”

Chan nodded, his shoulders relaxing slightly. “It was.”

“We were going to tell him about the meeting,” Changbin butted in, “but he didn’t respond when we knocked, and we didn’t want to push.”

“Only go in if he lets you,” Jeongin warned. “We can’t break any trust, no matter how small.”

“Of course. Thank you.”

He turned and headed straight for the next closed door. He knocked without hesitation.

“Hey, Seungmin-ah,” he called softly. “It’s Chan. Can I come in?”

No answer.

“I’m not mad or upset. I’m not disappointed. I’m sorry I was gone, but we got everything sorted out. I’d like to talk to you about it.”

No answer. Chan waited for a minute, then sighed.

“Okay, baby. Hyung loves you. I’ll wait however long it takes.”

He took a step back, about to leave for the living room, when he heard the doorknob twist. His heart pounded when the door opened. Seungmin was on the other side, his hair tousled, clothes too baggy, lips downturned, eyes flickering between Chan and the wall. Nonetheless, Chan smiled.

“Hi,” he murmured, not moving any closer. “How are you feeling? Better?”

Seungmin didn’t answer right away. He studied Chan’s expression for a few seconds before nodding.

“Is it okay if I come in?”

Seungmin nodded again, stepping back. Chan stepped inside, and he closed the door, retreating back to his bed to curl up in the corner and hug his knees to his chest. He was looking at the bedspread now, and Chan sighed. He sat on the edge of the bed, and the space between them felt like a thousand kilometers.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard,” Chan started quietly, “but what you told Hyunjin earlier… That helped a lot. We’re all very proud of you for speaking up.”

Chan glanced at Seungmin. The younger boy hadn’t moved a muscle.

“We’re getting a new manager.”

Seungmin’s hands tightened around his knees.

“We don’t know who, but it won’t be the same one. I don’t know if he’ll be fired. I just know that he won’t come near you again. And Eun—she won’t be coming back to the company. That’s for certain.”

Seungmin didn’t lift his head, but his fingers were curling repeatedly into his sweatpants. Something was on his mind.

“How do you feel about that?” Chan asked carefully. “We can always call JYP if you want to take a different route. It’s your choice, babe.”

Seungmin shook his head. “It’s fine.”

His voice was small. Chan didn’t think he was lying, but he wasn’t telling the whole truth either.

Chan leaned back against the headboard, hoping for Seungmin to say something. He didn’t.

“I really missed you, y’know,” Chan admitted. “I wanted to be here. I really did. I stayed as long as I could, but you didn’t leave the bathroom. When I got home, I just passed out. I was exhausted. But I’m here now, and I don’t think I’ll be due at the company anytime soon. JYP will call with more news about the manager, but I shouldn’t have to go in. I can stay here with you.”

Seungmin shifted slightly, like he was uncomfortable. Chan didn’t like that.

So he stopped talking.

This was different from last time. Last time, Seungmin spoke up - through tears, but he spoke up nonetheless. He let Chan hold him. Now, he was pressing himself into the corner as if he wanted to disappear.

Chan desperately hoped that his absence didn’t reverse the sliver of progress they had made.

Normalcy, he thought. Seungmin needs normalcy.

But Chan couldn’t do normalcy when it felt like every moment was slipping through his fingers like air.

He wanted to apologize - for not seeing Seungmin, for only now realizing that something was wrong, for still not being able to help. He wanted to drop to his knees, bow his head, and show Seungmin how sorry he was and how much he cared. But that wasn’t normalcy.

Jeongin could do it. Hyunjin could do it.

Chan should at least try. For Seungmin.

Before he could, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a message from JYP, saying that Stray Kids would be on an indefinite hiatus. They needed to find a replacement manager, and they knew that the whole group needed to heal. He didn’t say anything about what they were doing with the manager.

He set the phone down and looked back at Seungmin, who was eyeing the device. He quickly looked away.

“We’re going on hiatus,” Chan informed softly. “I’m sure you already knew that.” Seungmin nodded slightly. “And because we’re on hiatus, we’re going to spend time together. We’re going to love each other like we haven’t been able to for the last few months. But that doesn’t mean we have to be together constantly.”

He let the words sink in a little. He wasn’t sure if Seungmin had been thinking more about the future or the past, but they had to move forward now.

“How… How long?” Seungmin mumbled. “The hiatus.”

“It’s indefinite.”

Seungmin’s breath hitched. His hands dropped from his knees and curled into his chest instead. Chan watched carefully, but he could barely see Seungmin’s expression. All he could see was his wobbling lips and furrowed brows.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin suddenly whispered a minute later. Chan’s heart cracked.

“Minnie, we’ve talked about this. We don’t blame you. You don’t have to apologize.”

Seungmin shook his head, then turned it toward the wall.

“I know you all don’t want a hiatus,” he choked out. “You want to work. You don’t want to be cooped up. You hate when we go on long breaks. And now—now you have to go on a long break because of me. Because I didn’t say anything, and now we don’t have a manager. If I just…”

He dropped his face onto his hand and gasped, his shoulders trembling with the effort of keeping it all in. Chan lurched forward before stopping himself.

“Minnie,” Chan hummed. “It’s not your fault. It’s—”

“Theirs, I know,” Seungmin grumbled shakily. “But I let it get bad. I didn’t want to stop. I was selfish. I am selfish, because I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to stop, hyung.”

Chan couldn’t breathe.

“I hate it,” Seungmin continued, rubbing his face. “I hate how much it hurts. But I—I can’t just stop. Like… I need it. I need the rules and routine and control. I tried, hyung, I really did. To do what you wanted me to do. But I couldn’t, and it still threw everything off.

“And now we’ll be stuck here for a long time, and you’ll try to make me do things I don’t want to do, and I’ll get mad at you and push you away again and you’ll hate me, and I’ll be so frustrated that I’ll hate you too, and everything will be ruined. I can’t stop, and you’ll hate me for it. You’ll hate me and you’ll get tired of me and you won’t want to do this anymore.”

It hit Chan like a freight train.

Seungmin wasn’t scared about healing; he was scared about losing what he had now. He had his boyfriends, and he had control over one thing. One thing that his boyfriends wanted to take away from him.

They didn’t want to hurt him - never. They didn’t want to take away his autonomy. But the company would push therapy and put him on a strict diet, and he would lose that control. His boyfriends would try to enforce that diet, because that was their job. Chan wondered if he could postpone the diet until Seungmin was ready emotionally, not only physically. They were supposed to keep him healthy and support him through his recovery.

But they had to do it right.

“I can’t be helped,” Seungmin continued, tugging on his hair. “I can’t. I’m too broken. You—You can’t fix me. You don’t have to try. I get it. I ruined your career and the company and our relationship—”

Chan couldn’t do this.

He surged forward and wrapped his hands around Seungmin’s thin wrists, squeezing tightly enough to ground but not enough to hurt. Seungmin flinched and tried to pull away, but Chan didn’t let him.

“Seungmin, listen to me,” Chan said, his voice dangerously wet. “I don’t care if I can’t work for a month. I don’t care if I can’t work for a year. All I want right now is for you to feel better. I know that you don’t want to stop, and that’s okay. I’m not mad. You’re still healing, even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

Chan paused to gather his thoughts.

“Look at me, baby. Please.”

Slowly, Seungmin lifted his head. His cheeks were covered in tear tracks, his eyes were red, and his lips were set in a deep pout. But Chan smiled.

“You like being independent. You like doing things your own way. I respect you for that, and I do not want to take that away from you. So if you don’t want to eat, we’re going to listen to you. We’re not going to force you. The point of recovery is to make you feel better. Not us. We’re never going to hate you for struggling.

“It doesn’t make you selfish to want control over your life. It makes you human. And I know we’ve done some things recently that you didn’t like, things that made you uncomfortable or angry, but we’re learning too. We’re learning how to help you the way you need us to. We love you, Seungmin, and that’s never going to change.”

Seungmin’s head dropped. His shoulders shook with silent sobs, and Chan didn’t release his grip. He was patient.

A few seconds later, Seungmin’s hands found their way to his, and they both held on tightly. Chan didn’t try to hug Seungmin no matter how much he wanted to.

“Do you believe me?” Chan asked when Seungmin’s cries calmed. Seungmin didn’t respond. “It’s okay if you don’t. I just want to know.”

Hesitantly, Seungmin shrugged. Chan was just relieved that it wasn’t a no.

They stayed like that for a long time. Long after Seungmin’s body stilled, and long after Chan’s tears came and went. Seungmin’s forehead was leaning against his knee, and his body had gone lax.

Chan took a risk and leaned forward, kissing the top of Seungmin’s head. Seungmin stiffened.

“I love you, okay?” he whispered.

Seungmin nodded.

Chan closed his eyes and sighed in relief. He wanted to have more emotional conversations like this so he could better understand where Seungmin’s head was at, but he hated how painful it was to hear and see what Seungmin was feeling.

“You don’t have to stop right now,” Chan continued, “but you need to let us be here for you. Let us take some of the burden off of your shoulders. Let us love you like we should have all this time.”

Seungmin shuddered through his next breath. His fingers tightened around Chan’s. He tugged slightly.

Chan slowly released his hands and leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around Seungmin, and the younger boy didn’t protest, so Chan kept going, tucking Seungmin’s head under his chin. Chan was just there - not pressuring, not forcing, but present.

“Not mad?” Seungmin asked quietly after the tremors in his body died down.

Chan shook his head. “Not mad. Never.”

“Not stupid?”

“You’re not stupid.”

“Not gross?”

“You’re not gross. If anyone here is gross, it’s Jisung.”

Seungmin paused for a moment, not expecting Chan to turn such a tense moment into something more lighthearted.

“Has he showered this week?”

Chan smiled. “Y’know what, probably not. He was passed out when I got home, and his hair looked a bit greasy. I smelled his cologne. He probably had to put on extra to cover up the stench.”

Seungmin relaxed a little further. “Tell him not to touch me until he showers. If we’re gonna be stuck together for a while, he needs to shower.”

Chan wanted to squeal. He wanted to squeeze Seungmin. He wanted to jump up and down. Not only was this normalcy, but Seungmin was joking about the hiatus - what he had just been panicking over.

Seungmin was feeling better already. It wasn’t much, and he would probably slip back into old habits soon, but for right now, he wasn’t lying or hiding. He was letting Chan hold him. He was accepting Chan’s love.

And Chan had so much more to give.

---

The peace didn’t last long.

That night, everyone gathered in the living room except for Seungmin. He hadn’t joined them for dinner - hadn’t even responded when they let him know. They even told him about spending time together afterwards. Nothing.

Chan had gotten his hopes up. He had thought that his moment with Seungmin earlier was a turning point, proof that Seungmin was feeling better, but it was just one moment. There had been a million more moments since then, and who knew what had happened in them.

“So… He’s not scared of them coming back, he’s just scared of losing control?” Jisung asked.

Chan nodded. “He said he needs the routine. The… schedule and limitations, I guess. What to eat, when to eat, how much to eat. It was set in stone. But now it’s not. And he said… he doesn’t want to stop.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Stop?” Hyunjin asked. “Stop what?”

“The routine,” Changbin answered, his gaze locked on Chan. “He doesn’t want to stop following Eunseo’s rules, does he?”

The name sent a wave of anger and sadness throughout the room. Everyone’s breath hitched, waiting for Chan’s answer.

Chan shook his head.

“I mean, we can’t expect him to want to stop now,” Felix reasoned. “He’s been through so much recently. Especially yesterday. He’s not going to just… do a one-eighty on the first day of recovery. He can’t go back to normal that easily.”

Normal. No one even knew what normal was anymore. Even before Eunseo joined their staff, the group had been too busy to spend quality time with each other. They were too distant. They couldn’t go back to living like that.

They had to go back to when their relationship first formed. When they were full of love and optimism and happiness. When everything was new and exciting. When they noticed if something was off with one another, even if it was the simplest thing.

When they would know if someone was losing weight. When they had eyes. When they hugged, cuddled, slept together, showered together. When they cooked each other food and made sure everyone ate something. When they ate together as a group. As a family.

They couldn’t let things get bad again. They couldn’t miss any more signs. They had to stay vigilant.

“Healing takes time,” Jisung added. “Recovery isn’t linear. We have to figure out how to handle this. He needs us now, and… so far, we’re doing a pretty shitty job.”

“I told him that we’re going to learn as well,” Chan said. “We’re going to learn what we can do to help. He knows that’ll take time.” Chan froze. “Which… is exactly the problem.”

“What do you mean?” Jeongin asked, finally speaking up with his nails between his teeth.

“He’s scared that we’re going to try to help him, and he won’t recover fast enough, so we’ll get tired of him. He thinks we’ll hate him for this. He thinks he’s going to ruin the relationship.”

“That’s bullshit,” Minho scoffed, leaning back with crossed arms. “We’ve been a group for almost six years. We’ve been dating for over a year. And we never once thought about splitting up. No matter how hard work got, how mad we made each other, how useless we felt - we all stayed. No one tried to leave. We can get through anything. He has to know that.”

Chan sighed. “I’m sure he does, just not right now. She put a lot of bad things in his head. We’ll help clear it out, and hopefully he’ll realize that we want to help him, no matter how long it takes.”

It was quiet for a minute.

“Where is she?” Changbin asked. Chan eyed him carefully.

“She was fired. She’s gone.”

“But where is she?” Changbin demanded. “She knows where we are. She knows how to get to us. We should know where she is.”

Felix leaned forward, concerned. “There’s no way for us to—“

“There has to be. Hyung, there has to be a way. How can we keep him safe if she knows exactly how to find him?”

Everyone looked at Chan, looking for an answer from the leader. But Chan didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to tell them that there wasn’t a way.

“Hyung?” Changbin prompted, annoyed.

Chan shook his head. “There isn’t a way. It’s not like we can just track her. Maybe we can find out where she lives, but they might not allow that. Remember that we and the company have a restraining order against her.”

“She made Seungmin skip important schedules and didn’t care if anyone knew,” Hyunjin said shakily. “I doubt she cares about a restraining order.”

“We’re staying at the dorm,” Chan reminded them. “We don’t have to leave at all. Someone can deliver groceries for us. If we stay inside, she can’t get to us. There are no what-ifs, so don’t even start. We’re here, Seungmin’s here, she isn’t here. Okay?”

“What about the manager?” Jeongin piped in. “I know he’s not ours anymore, but he’s still high up in the company, and he can tell her stuff. He can give her stuff. Can’t he?”

Chan rubbed a hand down his face. “I know you’re all worried, but I can’t answer these questions. I want him to be safe too. The most we can do is just stay in the dorm with him. If anything comes up, the company will let us know.”

With that, Chan stood and went to the kitchen. He braced himself on the counter and closed his eyes, trying to breathe.

He hadn’t thought about those things. His priority was making Seungmin feel better; he wanted to keep Seungmin safe, and he thought that the dorm would help with that tremendously. But the others didn’t. Their constant questioning was making Chan anxious.

“Hyung?”

Chan sighed and turned around, unable to stop the unhappy expression from contorting his face.

But one look at the boy in front of him made it worried instead. Jeongin stood there, lips quivering, eyes shining and drooping.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Jeongin whispered. “We shouldn’t have bombarded you like that. I know you’re doing a lot.”

Jeongin’s voice was too small. Chan hated it.

He opened his arms, and Jeongin immediately walked into them, burying his face in Chan’s neck.

“It’s okay,” Chan murmured. “We’re all doing a lot. You’re worried, and that’s good. I just don’t have all the answers right now.”

Jeongin nodded. “I know. Sorry.”

Chan sighed again and hugged Jeongin a little tighter. He heard sniffling and felt his shoulder growing wet, but he didn’t say anything.

“Thank you,” Chan said. Jeongin made a confused noise. “You’re helping Seungmin. A lot. He’s comfortable with you. You know him the best. He trusts you the most. So, thank you for being there for him, even when it was difficult.”

“Don’t thank me for loving my boyfriend.”

Chan’s eyes welled up with tears. He kissed Jeongin’s forehead, breathing in the boy’s shampoo.

That was how Minho found them a few minutes later. He didn’t bat an eye.

“Most of us are going to bed. Jisung can’t sleep, so he’s watching a movie, but the rest of us are too tired.”

Chan and Jeongin finally separated. Chan gave Jeongin a small smile while the maknae dried his cheeks. He returned it.

“Okay, thank you,” Chan said, taking a deep breath. Minho stepped back and turned to leave. “Wait.”

Minho looked back just in time for Chan to seal their lips in a kiss. A kiss that hadn’t been shared for so long, that meant more than just physical affection. A kiss that meant love and gratitude and care. A kiss they all needed but kept forgetting.

They couldn’t go back to that normal.

So, Chan went to his own room where Changbin and Felix were chatting. He didn’t say a word as he bounded over and kissed Felix, and he didn’t say a word when he kissed Changbin.

Then he said, “I love you.”

They said it back.

He went to Jeongin’s room, where Minho and Hyunjin were already cuddling on Jisung’s bed and Jeongin had found his own. Chan kissed Hyunjin and Jeongin, said he loved them, and heard the words come back to him.

“Where’s my kiss?” Minho complained dramatically, puckering his lips.

“You had yours.”

“No I didn’t.”

Chan gave him a look but didn’t argue. He kissed Minho again, letting the younger boy take control. It only lasted a few seconds.

“Sleep well, all of you,” Chan said as he approached the door. “I’ll stay up with Jisung.”

They nodded and smiled at him, then Chan left their sight. He saw the closed door down the hall, and the unending silence made him nervous. He hadn’t heard from Seungmin in way too long.

He lightly knocked on the door, careful not to startle.

“Seungmin?”

No answer.

“Most of us are going to sleep. Jisung and I are staying up. Do you need anything before bed?”

Chan waited for a response. He wasn’t expecting one, but part of him was hopeful.

“No thank you, hyung.”

Chan nearly sagged to the floor in relief. Seungmin sounded okay; he wasn’t crying, wasn’t panicking, wasn’t hurt. He was safe.

“Alright,” Chan called back, a little choked up. “I love you. Goodnight.”

A few seconds passed.

“‘Night.”

That hurt. Chan couldn’t deny that his heart jolted in pain. But he understood that Seungmin was trying, and everything was overwhelming, even emotions. Seungmin just needed time.

Chan found Jisung sitting on the couch in the dark, the television screen too bright. It was on low volume and playing an anime that Chan didn’t recognize. He just plopped down beside Jisung, and the younger boy immediately curled into his side. Chan gave him a kiss, then rested his head on Jisung’s.

Later, when tears rolled down Jisung’s face, he blamed it on the strain from the television screen. Chan just held him closer.

---

Jeongin didn’t sleep well. His mind wouldn’t stop racing.

The way Seungmin had come to him, begged for help, willingly asked for food. It was unexpected. It was sad. But it felt like progress.

He hadn’t seen or heard from Seungmin since. No one had, except Chan.

But Jeongin was the understanding one. Jeongin was the one Seungmin went to first. Jeongin was the youngest, Seungmin’s only dongsaeng. Jeongin was the one Seungmin liked to goof off with.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to punch Eunseo and the manager. He wanted to punch himself for being so stupid.

He didn’t blame himself anymore for not helping immediately when he had noticed that something wasn’t right with Seungmin’s eating; he had gotten over that. But he somewhat blamed himself and his other boyfriends for turning a blind eye. Yes, it was Eunseo’s and the manager’s fault, but the members knew something was wrong. Seungmin would never just skip schedules without telling them first.

Jeongin groaned quietly, rolling over and shoving his face into his pillow. They had been over this multiple times. They did what they could without overstepping, without making Seungmin uncomfortable, without hurting him further. It just never felt like enough.

If something like this happened again, where no one went further because they didn’t want to overstep, Jeongin wasn’t going to listen. He was going to push further before it got out of hand - before it got so bad that they were pushed away, left in the dark.

“Jeongin.”

He jumped at the sudden whisper. He turned and saw Hyunjin sitting up halfway, Minho’s arm loosely wrapped around his hips. It was too dark to see his face.

“What, hyung?”

“You okay?”

Jeongin sighed, dropping his head back down. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

A few seconds later, he heard rustling. Then the bed dipped, and Hyunjin slid under the covers, lying on his side to face Jeongin, who stared up at the ceiling.

“Can’t sleep?” Hyunjin asked. Jeongin shook his head. “Same.”

Hyunjin took one of Jeongin’s hands in his own, curling his fingers and letting out a deep breath.

“I keep thinking about that day in the studio.”

Jeongin scoffed lightly. “Which one?”

Hyunjin shook his head. “A few, I guess. But when we had that group meeting, he didn’t show up on time. He said that he was talking to his stylist about an upcoming performance. He was with her that day. And we thought nothing of it.”

Jeongin remembered that meeting. He finally asked Seungmin about food, and Seungmin said that nothing had changed with his eating. That had been a blatant lie, but it sounded like the truth. Jeongin hated that he had let it go after that response.

“That night, he slept with me. He let me hold him, and I was so happy about that. But now I can remember how… how skinny he was. I could feel the knobs of his spine too much. He was on top of me, and I could breathe perfectly fine. I was so excited to have him with me that I just ignored it.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jeongin said quietly.

Hyunjin nodded. “I know. It just… sucks.”

That was an understatement.

Jeongin finally looked at Hyunjin, and the older boy looked back.

“This morning was really good,” he said. “If Seungmin hadn’t said anything, the manager wouldn’t have been taken off of our team. He felt comfortable enough to speak up. I don’t know if that’ll happen again soon.”

Jeongin nodded in agreement. Then he sighed again.

“We’re not ignoring anything anymore,” he said with determination. “We’ll overstep. We’ll watch and see everything. We won’t assume he can deal with something himself. We won’t—won’t let it g–get so bad, we’ll actually be there. I’ll push and push until—until—”

Jeongin’s eyes were burning. He hiccuped, and an arm wrapped around his waist, a nose nudging his cheek.

“Shh, shh,” Hyunjin soothed. “We will. We’ll do all of that. We just… have to be careful enough so he feels comfortable around us.”

Tears fell. It was almost overwhelming - thinking about how to push Seungmin enough to help him in the right direction without going so far that he shut them out. It would be a learning curve, but Jeongin didn’t want a curve. He wanted a straight, positive line.

He turned onto his side, hugging Hyunjin back, crying into his shoulder. Hyunjin kissed his neck.

They both got very little sleep that night. But when they stumbled out of the room at six a.m. and found everyone - sans Seungmin - gathered in the living room, they knew that they weren’t the only ones.

They all looked at Jeongin when he entered, and he froze midstep.

“What?” he asked, sleepy and suspicious.

No one spoke. Then Changbin cleared his throat.

“Iyen-ah, can you be the one to knock today?”

Jeongin gulped. “He… answered Chan hyung too, though, right?”

It sounded selfish, like he didn’t want to help Seungmin. He was just afraid of rejection, of making things worse, of saying or doing the wrong thing.

“He did,” Chan answered, “but we want him to eat something today, and he’s most comfortable with you for that. The protein bars at practice, lunch in the cafeteria, eggs yesterday… That was all you. He talked to me, then wouldn’t let me in for a while after. If he lets you in, maybe he’ll feel up to eating.”

“It’s been twenty-four hours since he ate,” Felix added, his voice hoarse, “and that was barely anything. I don’t think he ate before the meeting, so it’s been more than two days since he’s really eaten. It’s been too long. What if—What if he passes out in his room and no one’s there?”

Jeongin sucked in a breath.

“No what-ifs,” Minho announced, glancing at Chan. “Let’s just be prepared for anything and try to prevent the worst. What-ifs aren’t helpful.”

“Innie,” Chan sighed, continuing, “can you do it? If you can’t or don’t want to, we won’t make you.”

Jeongin didn’t want to, not really. But he wanted to know how Seungmin was doing. He wanted to make sure he was okay. He wanted him to feel better.

“I’ll do it,” he said. Immediately, Jisung’s arms opened wide where he sat on the couch, and Jeongin walked over, sitting next to him and leaning into the hug. Hyunjin sat beside him.

No one was sure what food would be best for Seungmin today. Eggs had been working, but he could only manage a few bites, and they needed more options. Felix suggested that they try eggs, and if that didn’t work, they should try a smoothie - something light, simple, healthy, not solid food. Seungmin might prefer drinking something instead.

Jeongin waited until 9 a.m., giving Seungmin a good window to appear for breakfast. He didn’t. As Jeongin stood and cleared his plate, a few eggs left untouched, the room was silent. He knew that everyone was waiting anxiously, not wanting to disturb Jeongin’s train of thought. He appreciated it, but the silence wasn’t comforting.

He glanced at everyone, seeing their nerves and worry, then walked down the hallway. He took a deep breath, released it shakily, and knocked.

“Seungminnie hyung?” he greeted, keeping the fear out of his tone. “It’s just me. There’s another music video I thought you’d like.”

It was true. A lot of new music had been released recently, and a majority of it was Seungmin’s taste.

“Can I come in?”

Jeongin waited a few seconds, but there was nothing. He sighed.

“I really miss you, hyung,” he admitted quietly. “We used to cuddle in bed and watch funny videos. Hyungs would kick us out of the room because we laughed so hard. That was back when everything was easier, I know, but I miss it. All of it.” He sighed, resting his forehead against the door. “Just… Let me know. I’ll be here.”

He waited a few seconds before stepping back. He went to the living room, where everyone had migrated, and they looked up at him sadly.

“Anything?” Jisung asked hopefully. Jeongin shook his head and plopped down next to Minho, leaning against the older boy’s shoulder.

Changbin stood. “I’m going to shower.”

He didn’t say anything else - just went to his bedroom. His mood had been very sour for the last month, and the lack of progress only worsened it. No one minded.

“Jisung-ah,” Chan said quietly, “you should go with him.”

Jisung’s brows furrowed. “Why? I wanna stay here. Do I stink?”

Chan nodded, a small smile breaking through. “Seungmin said that you’re not allowed to touch him until you’ve showered.”

Jisung shot up. “He what?”

“Yeah, what?” Minho echoed, the sentence so random and unexpected.

“I told him that if anyone here is gross, it’s Jisungie. And I said he hasn’t showered this week.”

“I did!”

“Really?” Hyunjin mocked. “When?”

“Like—Like—” Jisung spluttered. “I don’t know, three days ago?”

Everyone made a face. Jisung’s mouth dropped open in offense.

“None of you are any better! You can’t gang up on me.”

“But you’re the only one he wants to shower,” Chan reasoned.

“But—” Jisung cut himself off with a groan, falling back against the couch and covering his face.

At that moment, the shower head turned on, muffled by the walls.

Jisung stood up and walked toward the bathroom, muttering to himself.

The others sat in silence for a few minutes. Felix’s knee was bouncing so rapidly that Jeongin worried it would fall off. He reached to the side and rested his hand on Felix’s thigh. It didn’t stop.

“Hyung—”

“This is what we did last time,” Felix choked out unhappily. “We let him go at his own pace, and look where we ended up. We’re doing the same thing.”

“It’s different this time,” Minho said. “We’re all confined to the dorm. We’re going on hiatus. The only thing that can harm him is himself. If we barge into his room, even without saying anything, he’ll feel betrayed or cornered. He needs to have a safe place where he knows he can be alone. When we found out about the disorder, we didn’t let him be alone at all. And he said he wants control, right? This can give him some control.”

“Hyung, he might take too much control. He might decide, ‘oh, no one’s gonna come in, so I can just stay here and do whatever I want.’ He’ll never come out.”

“He will eventually,” Hyunjin piped in. “He used to hate being alone.”

“Used to,” Felix insisted, sitting up straighter. He looked at Chan. “Let’s do this differently. Please, hyung.”

Felix looked desperate. His brain likely hadn’t shut off once since they got home with Seungmin, and he was full of ideas.

Chan relented easily. “How should we do it, then?”

Felix gulped, hesitating for only a second.

“If we just ask him if we can come in, he won’t say anything. He doesn’t feel well. It isn’t easy to tell us that we can come in. It’s easy to do nothing. So we should just knock and say that we’re coming in, ask if that’s okay. If he says no, then we don’t go in. If he’s silent, we go in.”

Felix must have thought about this a lot - the different options and possibilities. While Seungmin had answered Chan last night about not needing anything, today was different. Today was their first real day of hiatus and isolation at the dorm.

“At least for today,” Felix added when no one spoke. “Just try it today. Then maybe he’ll eat something.”

Chan nodded. “He does need to eat. Everyone okay with this?”

They all nodded, knowing that they needed to try something.

“I’ll do it later today,” Jeongin said. “Give him a little more time.”

“And bring water,” Hyunjin suggested. “He needs that too.”

Jeongin nodded, sighing.

“Has he come out for the bathroom?” Chan asked.

“Not that we’ve seen,” Minho answered. “He hasn’t been drinking anything, so he probably doesn’t need to go. He probably went overnight at some point.”

They stopped talking after that. When Changbin and Jisung returned, they were filled in while Minho and Hyunjin left to shower. Then Chan and Felix went. Jeongin went alone, taking the time to just think.

As he stepped out of the steam-filled shower, his eyes caught on the floor - on the empty space between the vanity and toilet. Where the scale used to be.

Before Seungmin had come home from the hospital, Minho had taken the scale and hidden it somewhere in Chan’s bedroom. They had just found out about Seungmin’s eating disorder, so they weren’t going to leave it there.

Jeongin wondered how often Seungmin had used it. He wondered if Eunseo had forced him to weigh himself. The sheet of paper they had found had weight goals and progress checks with numbers that were way too low.

Rage boiled in Jeongin’s bones.

The scale would probably never return. It would collect dust, and the batteries would die over time. It would be unusable. The only way they’d be able to weigh themselves was during the company’s quarterly health checkups, unless the stylists needed their measurements for outfits and designs.

Jeongin already knew that the system was going to change. Their fittings would be a group schedule, not solo, and they would all be in the stylists’ room. There would only be one scale in the room, hidden in a cupboard until someone needed it. No one would be told to lose or gain weight in order to wear an outfit; the stylists would either have to make a new one or adjust the current one.

He shook himself out and left the bathroom before he could think too much more.

It was time to try again.

This time, Jeongin wore a loose-fitting hoodie and sweatpants, and his hair was blow dried and soft. He looked comfortable, cozy, ready for a day of nothing but lazing around. He also brought his laptop with him; if Seungmin let him in, let him sit down, and let him stay, Jeongin never wanted to leave. He wanted to watch a movie with Seungmin, something enjoyable. He didn’t forget the water either.

He felt a little more confident. He had a plan this time, one that was easy to stick to. He didn’t hesitate before walking up to the door and knocking.

“Hey, Seungminnie hyung? Can I come in?”

He wanted to try that one more time. Expectedly, he heard nothing.

“I’m going to come in, okay?”

He slowly twisted the knob and pushed the door open. His heart was racing. Was Seungmin awake? Did he actually pass out? Was something terribly wrong?

Then Jeongin saw him. The light was off, but the window provided enough midday sunlight to keep the room bright. Seungmin was sitting up against the headboard of Minho’s bed, the comforter pulled up to his waist. His knees were bent, and his phone was facedown on his lap. His eyes were trained on it. He was fidgeting with the cuffs of his hoodie sleeves; it was a different hoodie from what he had been wearing yesterday morning. Jeongin was pretty sure that it was Minho’s.

He came in enough to close the door, then stopped. Seungmin didn’t look up at him, but he wasn’t dissociating or anything. His eyes flickered around a little, like he was nervous. Guilty.

“Hey,” Jeongin greeted quietly, keeping the same atmosphere. “We haven’t heard from you all day, so we were getting worried.”

Seungmin nodded in acknowledgement.

“Sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay. We don’t want to push you, but it’s not good to stay cooped up for too long. But I know you know that.”

It got quiet again, and a little awkward. Jeongin didn’t like that.

“Here, I brought some water.” He tucked the laptop between his elbow and ribs, handing an unopened water bottle to Seungmin and keeping a second for himself. “Can I sit?”

Seungmin nodded, holding the bottle with both hands while Jeongin sat down next to him, taking the same position with the blanket over his legs. He left the laptop at his feet.

“Do you feel like watching something? Music videos or a movie? It’s okay if you don’t. I just thought it’d be nice.”

Seungmin didn’t respond at first, his eyes glued to the water bottle.

“Movie?”

His voice was small, and he didn’t sound very excited, but Jeongin wasn’t expecting that. He knew that Seungmin did want to spend time with them; he was just feeling down and, like Chan had said, scared of messing something up.

“Okay,” Jeongin said, momentarily ignoring the implications behind Seungmin not wanting to watch any music videos. He grabbed his laptop and opened it on his thighs. “Any requests?”

“I don’t care, Innie.”

Jeongin wanted to look. He wanted to look up and see the expression on Seungmin’s face, if it was impassive or annoyed, because he couldn’t tell based on his tone this time. But Jeongin didn’t want to ruin the mood any more, so he stayed focused on the screen and found something. He set it in between them and pressed play.

The next two hours were okay. They didn’t speak, and Seungmin didn’t move, still running his fingers along the condensation on the bottle in his hands. But his eyes were on the movie, which was good. Good-ish.

They hadn’t talked about food yet, and it was making Jeongin anxious. He couldn’t just spit it out, or Seungmin wouldn’t want anything. He probably wouldn’t want anything either way.

Jeongin still had to try.

When the movie ended, Seungmin agreed to watch another one. His body had relaxed a little more back into the cushions, and he looked content. Not happy or okay, but content.

Then, suddenly, Jeongin’s stomach grumbled. They both heard it.

“I’m gonna go get a snack,” he said, shifting to stand. Seungmin’s eyes flew to his, and he hesitated. “Do you want anything? There are a lot of options to choose from.”

Seungmin shook his head. It was so easy to just shake his head.

Jeongin sat back down, remembering when Seungmin had come to him for help because of how bad he felt. He must have felt even worse now.

“Hyung, you were feeling bad yesterday. You must be feeling worse now. I’m not forcing you, but I think you should ingest something. Even a smoothie would be okay. Lixie hyung said he’d make some for all of us.”

Seungmin looked away and shook his head again. Jeongin desperately wanted to do something to convince Seungmin to eat, but he didn’t know what would help. This couldn’t go on forever.

Nonetheless, Jeongin left the room. The others looked more hopeful than last time, but once Jeongin explained what had happened, they were upset again. They were at least glad that Seungmin had let Jeongin in.

Apparently, Felix had already made smoothies. One for each of them. The others already had theirs, and Seungmin’s and Jeongin’s were in the fridge.

When Jeongin returned to Seungmin’s room, he reclaimed his spot with a smoothie in hand, trying to act casual.

“I guess Felix hyung already made smoothies for everyone. There’s one in the fridge for you if you want it.”

Seungmin nodded. Jeongin just pulled up the next movie and got comfortable again.

He continued drinking his smoothie, and he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Seungmin continued glancing at him - at the smoothie. Jeongin couldn’t tell if Seungmin found it appealing or disgusting. He didn’t ask.

Seungmin never asked for his smoothie. He never left the bed. Once the movie was over, Jeongin left, giving him more alone time. He wished they had talked more, but he was happy to at least have seen Seungmin.

He told the others what he could, which wasn’t much. They collectively decided to wait one more day. Just one. Then they would have to try a new method.

That night, they gathered in the living room with another movie playing. They didn’t have anything to talk about anymore. They were each lost in their own heads, trying to navigate the situation on their own.

No one heard a door open down the hall. No one saw the figure in the doorway. It wasn’t until the couch dipped that Changbin turned his head to see who it was.

His mouth nearly dropped open.

Seungmin was curled up against the armrest, one arm around his middle and the other holding the collar of his hoodie up to his nose, like he was trying to hide. He looked a little frazzled and out of breath, but he was here.

“Hey,” Changbin whispered, trying not to gain anyone else’s attention. He could feel eyes on them anyway. Seungmin glanced at him, and Changbin smiled. “It’s good to see you.”

Seungmin nodded and turned back to the television. Changbin wanted to cry.

He exchanged looks with a few of the others - worry, shock, and hope present in each expression. Seungmin was there.

But was he really?

Changbin didn’t think that Seungmin just came out of his room. He thought that something had pushed Seungmin. A thought, a feeling, an idea, something that made him feel pressured to join them. Changbin desperately wanted to know what was going on inside of Seungmin’s head.

An hour and a half later, the movie finished. Half of them were draped over each other’s laps, nearly asleep already, so Chan said that they should probably head to bed. Everyone agreed.

Changbin waited for Seungmin to stand first. He waited and waited until they were the only two left on the couch. The others hadn’t gone far, still standing in the room and pretending to stretch and chat. They didn’t want to leave Seungmin - not yet. Not so soon.

Seungmin didn’t get up, so Changbin did. His joints popped on the way up, and he sighed heavily, truly exhausted and ready to sleep. He walked past Seungmin and stood beside the couch, less intimidating but still there.

When Seungmin lowered his legs to the floor, everyone watched from behind. Then he stood up.

Changbin’s life flashed before his eyes. Within a second, Seungmin was tilting, and Changbin surged forward, gathering Seungmin in his arms before he could hit the floor. He lowered them down carefully, holding Seungmin’s back tightly against his chest. Seungmin’s eyes were open, but barely. His lips were parted, breaths shallow and heavy. He couldn’t hold himself up.

A tear finally slipped down Changbin’s face.

“Hey, hey,” he whispered, one hand lifting to cup Seungmin’s cheek, the other wrapped around his waist. Not tightly, but enough to feel bones. “Breathe, Seungmin. You’re okay. Just breathe.”

While Seungmin breathed through it, the others were scattering, trying to help. Felix got the extra smoothie from the fridge; Jeongin snagged a protein bar as backup; Chan got a damp, cool washcloth; Minho got a bottle of water. Hyunjin and Jisung kneeled beside them, arms hovering, brows drawn in.

Seungmin took a sudden, quick inhale, and Changbin shushed him again. Seungmin’s head lolled forward, but Changbin continued holding it up. Seungmin wasn’t unconscious; he was just exhausted and malnourished.

He hadn’t eaten a single thing in days. He had barely drunk any water. He’d stayed in his room for hours upon hours, not standing or walking or using his muscles. His body was weak, sore, clumsy, not healthy enough to keep him upright.

That must have been why he came out of his room. He probably felt like he could pass out and didn’t want to be alone for it. Either that, or he had come out because he wanted help, wanted the horrible feeling to go away. At least he wasn’t so deep into the disorder that he wouldn’t mind passing out as long as he didn’t have to eat.

Changbin’s heart ached.

“‘M sorry,” Seungmin slurred, almost whining. “D–Didn’t mean to…”

“Shh, I know, I know,” Changbin murmured. “But you came to us. That was good. We’re here to help you feel better, okay?”

Seungmin didn’t nod, but his body slumped a little further, like he had finally given up. His head rested back on Changbin’s shoulder, and his eyes opened a little more.

“You need to eat something, Minnie,” Jisung suggested softly. Seungmin made a displeased noise. “I know you feel bad, and I’m sorry. But you haven’t eaten in days. Your body can’t handle this. If you don’t eat, you’re going to pass out, and then you’ll have to get real, medical help. Just… Something small. One thing. Please?”

Seungmin didn’t respond. He stared up at the ceiling instead.

Chan carefully placed the washcloth over Seungmin’s forehead, apologizing when he flinched.

“You’re too warm,” Chan informed. “This’ll cool you down a bit, yeah?”

Felix finally came forward with the smoothie, a straw already placed in it. He crouched in front of Seungmin, and the younger boy looked at him.

“A smoothie would be light on your stomach,” he said. “Solid food is probably too much right now. This is your favorite flavor, and you just have to drink it. Does that sound okay?”

Everyone held their breath. They needed Seungmin to agree to this. They needed it.

Then, with the slightest, most imperceptible, movement, Seungmin nodded.

The tension in the room snapped.

Changbin kissed Seungmin’s temple, then his cheek, then his jaw, taking a deep breath while Seungmin trembled underneath him.

“Okay,” Changbin hummed. He looked up at Felix, who leaned forward to put the straw in front of Seungmin’s lips. Seungmin opened his mouth, closed it around the straw - then paused.

“Take your time,” Felix whispered with a smile.

A minute later, Seungmin took a sip. Swallowed. Let it sit in his stomach for a moment before taking another.

Everyone relaxed. Chan took the washcloth back, Minho and Jeongin set the water and protein bar aside, and Changbin and Felix stayed still, not rushing or pressuring.

When a tear slipped down Seungmin’s cheek, they all noticed. He pulled away from the smoothie and licked his lips.

“She’d be mad.”

They froze.

“She’s not here,” Minho said, always the calm one. “It’s just us. No one is going to get mad, or judge you, or control you. That can’t happen anymore. You are your own person. You get to decide what you do and how you do it.”

That was what they had been doing for the past few days. They let Seungmin set the pace, let him choose when he wanted to be alone or talk or eat.

It might not have been the most effective way of healing. Maybe there was something integral that they were missing. Maybe they just weren’t cut out for this.

But for Seungmin, they’d do anything.

And he was going to know that.