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If Jackal had known just how much bullshit went into being a prince they would've told Lotor “no yeah sorry dude I love you but uhh. No <3” Complete with little heart emoticon out of their mouth and everything.
Well. No they still would've jumped into his arms at a speed that's, quite frankly, embarrassing to consider. Both because he makes them feel soft and squishy and the world in their brain where the pair don't get together is all sorts of sad.
Aaaand because technically speaking this is their own doing. Most of it’s their own doing. Roughly 80-90% is Jackal’s own doing.
Look. What had happened was they overheard a conversation that was clearly not meant for them (they know the difference in tone between disparagement someone wants them to hear and ones they don't. the ones they don't always ring with bitter pity.) about how rulers past shared the load in running the empire. (they wanted to pry almost, unable to imagine zarkon as anyone other than the kind of man who thought he knew everything best, could run everything best.)
So they jumped on the idea. Pounced on it like a hare they were intending to snap the spine of. And Lotor, sweetheart darling, for his part didn't hide his surprise well. It's almost comical! The way his poker face falls in pieces around them!
Of course he tried to sway them otherwise, assuring them he can handle it my dear heart. I wouldn't want to burden you over much Starlight. And they pushed back. Stubborn, stubborn thing planting their feet in the dirt and growling til he let up with a laugh. Sweet victory!
(ignoring the way it soured in their mouth immediately after. what did he think of them that he was surprised they offered? did he see them like everyone else did just a-)
They couldn't do much of course. While Galra rulership wasn't technically based on a monarchy in the same way human rulership had been, Lotor was groomed to be the next Emperor after Zarkon. So their grasp of all the politicking, the various planets under Galra control, trade agreements etc etc was. Shaky at best.
But they were stubborn! They were determined! They were going to help! (they needed to. every time he pushed back they just sunk their teeth in deeper. it didn't matter they were cracking, it was fine, he could handle it so they could handle it.)
He walked them through it, who was important, who thought they were important but really not as much. Who was going to give them pushback, who was going to help if they stumbled. Who was going to use their lack of knowledge against them. (he didn't teach jackal who was going to try to intimidate them because they thought them small, meek. those ones quicky learned that while Lotor was polite Jackal was far less so. they still remember the way he laughed when they told him they'd threatened to knock a motherfucker inta the middle of next week havin him lookin both ways for Sunday.)
He taught them what they could sign by themself, what they needed his advisement on, what language to look for for someone trying to slip a clause in under their nose. They practiced their signature when they were by themself. They'd never had good handwriting but they were always good at mimicking others. (cuckoo birds put their young in nests where they match, manipulation or free loading what's the difference really.) Til their script read all nice and beautiful; Prince Consort Jackal Woods.
Every time they did well, every time he praised them it sent a happy little thrill down their spine. Every little nuzzle against their cheek, every excited look at you! you're doing amazing Starlight, might as well have been injecting straight dopamine and oxytocin into their bloodstream with the high it gave them.
Of course it was still just little things he had them help with but that didn't stop them from feeling all sorts of fuzzy.
Fuzzy enough that they slipped (stupid idiot fucking) they forgot a name (they'd always been bad at names and faces why did they think) and he (important, he was important but still couldn't think of his name) took offense. Took to snarling and getting up in their face, and normally they'd push back just as sharply but they were (spread thin did too much useless thing can't even handle) frazzled.
Instead they'd flinched back hard. (weak always been weak) Ears ringing as they panicked (run just like you always do) but they could hear the amusement still in his voice. (of course it's funny you thought you were equal you thought you were anything more than a wh)
The amusement didn't last long as someone was snarling, someone was. oh. It was Lotor.
They like to categorize his voice. The sounds he makes. “Jackal’s Lotor” tilts his voice softer, full of relaxed chirps and sleepy purrs, playful rumbles against their shoulder (one time a deeper growl that had them turning red and him giggling. giggling! the emperor!)
It's “Emperor Lotor” that everyone else gets. Charming and saccharine sweet, words chosen just so to have you eating out of his palm.
“The Emperor” is the one they rarely hear. Voice gone low and sharp. A visceral reminder to watch your step, to remember the blood on his hands and really what's a little more after all in the long run?
They only barely hear what's said, the other party (general. commander? close maybe you can't) fleeing with his tail between his legs. Possibly quite literally.
And then the next thing they're consciously aware of is being back in their room. Their room, not the one they share (anxious anxious why are you here and not does he not want) while Lotor frets.
They've missed half of what was said, nervous system still coming down from being kicked into overdrive. But his hands are cupping their cheeks while they half vibrate out of their skin and.
Wait. Wait.
“What! N-no! No. I can handle it-” He gets that look in his eyes. Pity that makes them choke and they rip away from him violently. He doesn't try to touch them again, they don't know if they're grateful or not.
“Jackal.” They're going to be sick, he only calls them that when it's serious and they don't understand why he's doing it now. “This isn't…I appreciate you trying to help me-” They could scream, they might scream but that would be bad. “-but it's not tenable if..” He sighs. They're turned away but they can see vividly the way he pinches the bridge of his nose. (frustrated with you. badbad misbehaving bad he's going to leave you) “Love, you've hardly been sleeping or eating. I know you've been trying to cover it up but you can't just, just run yourself into the ground. I was on my way to talk to you about it before this.. incident.” (later they will feel some sort of way. the way he says “incident” implying they, or anyone else, won't be seeing the dude who yelled at them.)
They swallow back their first few sentences. Swallow down the impulse that always pops up when they get upset (burn the bridge with them on it, they're hurting and it's not fair that they're not both hurting.)
“I'm handling it Lotor. Really, it's just. An adjustment period because I'm doing something new-”
“An adjustment period that's harming you-”
“So fucking what!” They whirl on him, snapping like a rabid dog as he looks taken aback by their outburst. They want to tuck it back inside, but it's so so hard once they get going even if they planned not to start. “It doesn't matter because I need to do this-”
“Jackal-”
“I need.” Their head hurts, their hands are in their hair as they tug and whimper. “I need to. I need to be useful. Otherwise you, you.” He reaches for them, trying to comfort them but they flinch away like he burned them. “There's no reason!”
“No reason-?”
“To keep me!” Tug harder, it settles them barely barely. “To keep, keep me around Lotor! Okay I need. I'm not, I need to be useful, because I'm not pretty or smart or good enough and I don't, I don't do anything I should, I don't listen like I should so I don't know why you-!” The words are choking them and they know they're spiraling. Half coherent as all their brain throws up is upset upset hurting it hurts it's going to hurt forever and ever and we can't fix it! “I ccant fix the way I am, I can't fix the ways I'm broken the ways I'm just wrong and useless so I need. I need to make up for it, for the fact it's me-”
They started crying at some point (pathetic manipulative thing, how dare you when you started it) which means they didn't see him move. But they felt him wrap his arms around them, gently untangling their hands from their hair. (they hate it they don't know what to do with tender always expecting a raised voice, easier to justify their fangs then)
He lets them cry into his chest. Great hiccuping sobs that they damn near choke on. The kind of crying that they hold in because it's embarrassing. But he doesn't comment, just holds them, one hand on their back rubbing circles and the other petting their hair.
He doesn't say anything still. Just lets them have their tantrum until they're going limp in his arms. No longer having the energy to do anything except lay there.
“Feeling better love?” They make some sort of noncommittal noise at him and he takes it as his cue to keep talking. “You've been bottling it all up huh? You, no Starlight let me talk.” A twitch at the reproach that he soothes away with gentle hands and gentler shushing. “I didn't mean... Forgive me love I'm not very good at this.”
Their face is still buried in his chest but they tilt just enough to squint at him with one eye. He smiles, gently tugging on one of their curls. “That is to say I... I have a feeling, if I let you cut in you're going to argue with me.” The squint turns into a glare and he laughs, fangs flashing as he does. “Yes, I thought so.”
He readjusts, making them realize at some point they've sat down, and pulls them up further in his lap. “...I am. Mmm. I would like to start by assuring you that I'm not upset with you. I am…rather put off by your yelling yes but you.” He pauses, seeming to figure out how best to say it. “I understand, at least in part, why you did. And goddess knows I'm no saint when it comes to losing my temper.”
Lotor smiles at the incredulous noise they make. “Really! Oh the stories I'm sure Dayak could tell…But that's not here or there right now. Right now I want to…apologize. For not intervening sooner.” Another pause while they squint at him and he smiles ruefully. “I had thought, or rather I had assumed you would come to me, if it got to be too much. And then you…well you didn't. So I made the mistake of assuming all was well. And then I realized you were losing weight I began to grow concerned, began noticing what I hadn't before.” His hand unconsciously rests on their stomach and they can't help but to frown as they realize he's right. Damn.
Still they can't help but to deflect by mumbling into his chest. “Only noticed because you always be out here feelin, feeling me up.”
It earns them a chuff and playfully ticklish squeeze that has them wriggling away. “True! …but really love, I wish you had told me sooner. I wish you had..” He seems to be trying to find the right words again, a frown marring his pretty face as he strokes their stomach gently. “I wish you had felt like you were able to confide these feelings in me. But I understand how difficult it is to, to bare your throat to another as it were. And I.”
He takes his hands to cup their face now, gently pulling them away from his chest. They know they have to look a mess; tear stained and red cheeked but he looks at them so softly all the same. “I love you. You don't need to earn that love. I love you as you are.”
Deflect, deflect, they can't do soft they can't do sweet. “Would you love me if I was a worm?”
Terrible choice in question because he laughs and somehow looks at them even softer. “Yes. I would build you a custom terrarium, with a beautiful little worm mansion and everything. And I would give you a little crown so everyone would know you're my prince-” He's still laughing as they bury their face back in his chest to let out a long muffled wail.
“Okay! Okay enough-!” They can't even swat at him kitten like because he steals their hand midair, laying sweet kisses to their palm. “... I'm sorry. For, yelling. And not telling you what was up I just.” They make some sort of noise, halfway between a balloon and a dying animal. “I don't know! I just. I thought you'd be. Upset? Upset with me that I can't handle it.”
“No, no darling, never.” He nuzzles into the top of their head, giving them the sweetest purr as he does so. “I would much rather you tap out early than kill yourself under the strain.”
They can't stop the frustrated noise however, even as they press into his nuzzling. “But you can do it! So I should, I should be able to as well!” They're not pouting, but it's a very close thing.
“Mmm should you also be able to best Commander Sendak? Should you also be able to pilot a ship? All with no practice?” They open their mouth, close it, open it only to close it again, glare at him as they groan.
“Ugh! I don't like you when you're right.”
“You must not like me rather frequently then! Why I'm almost wounded!”
“Bout to be fuckin wounded I swear to god.” They grumble at him, not quite sulking but something close to it.
They feel…better. Better and worse for having gotten it out in the open. Like digging into a wound scarred over because infection lurks underneath. But mostly they feel tired. A bone deep exhaustion that comes from feeling far too many things.
“... I'm still sorry for. For getting mad and yelling.” They want to pretty it up, explain that they get so upset it's like someone else something else takes the wheel and destroys everything around them. But then it wouldn't be a proper apology.
Lotor for his part hums, thinking. Before something sly slinks into his voice. “How lucky then I know the perfect way to make up for it.”
Before they have the chance to tense, to have a hundred anxious thoughts skitter through their brain, their world is flipped turn ways. He's giggling at their yelp of surprise and pouncing before they can sit back up.
Then they have approximately fuck hundred pounds of Galra laying on them like the world's biggest weighted blanket. Well not entirely fuck hundred pounds, because he's partially curled around them as well. His legs tangled with theirs as his tail curled around their ankle. “Consider this a royal order; you're going to rest and we are going to cuddle. Then you're going to eat something substantial.”
“Lotor-!” (“Nope.”) “I have, you have work to do- you can't just-” Deflecting doesn't work evidently, when he chooses to go entirely boneless on top of them. The laughter bubbles up without their consent as he acts very much like an overly large housecat who's decided this is his napping spot.
“Work can wait for an hour or two. Consider yourself well and truly held hostage my dearest.”
“God you are. Such an ass.”
He rubs his cheek against theirs, smug and satisfied. “Yours is nicer I would argue.”
“Gonna fuckin kick you in yours I swear you mmfh.” They grumble at him, inarticulate as he continues to keep them trapped.
It is effective, they will grant him that. …and they will grant that had he not they would've ended up tying themself into knots for hours.
In the end they succumb to their nap, their body grateful that they're finally giving it some rest. The white noise of Lotors purring giving them pleasant dreams.
It's not possible to unlearn every maladaptive thought pattern in one sitting but…maybe they're getting closer. With his help. With his love and affection.