Chapter Text
It was freezing outside, the cold, wet snow clung to everything and left Shane's fingers feeling like ice. The cobblestones of town were slick with a thin layer of ice, making every step treacherous. Shane would have to be careful on his way back to the ranch, but it was Wednesday, which meant movie night. And movie night meant pizza and poppers from the Saloon. Shane would be damned before he messed up this tradition for Jas.
It had only been four months since Shane’s most recent detox, and he was feeling really good about this one. Thanks to Harvey’s help he had finally been able to find a counsellor he was able to connect with. He was glad for it, he didn't know how many more chances Jas and Marnie were going to give him, let alone child services. But he did know that Jas was getting older now; she could notice the difference in him when he was sober, drunk or hungover.
Shane had chosen to prioritise his family above himself. He had opted for the challenging path to make things even just a little easier on his little family, it was, after all, the least he could do. That was why he found himself venturing out during the onset of the season's first true snowstorm, while he was grateful it had held off until January to get this bad, he felt unprepared for the extra bite in the air. He looked up at the snow swirling through the sky knowing that they'd have to warm up the food by the time he returned to the ranch, but this was important, and he had committed to putting the important things first. While watching the fog of his breath rise he resolved to continue these trips to town throughout the remaining long winter months.
As he trudged through the snow-covered streets, he could see the warm inviting glow of the Saloon up ahead. The soft, golden light spilling out onto the street was a stark contrast to the cold, grey world outside. He quickened his pace, eager to escape the biting wind and freezing temperatures. When he finally reached the Saloon, he paused at the top of the stairs for a moment, stomping the slush from his boots and hitting his shoulders to dislodge some of the snow that had started to build.
Walking into the Saloon felt like walking into the warm hug of an ex-girlfriend. Shane felt instant temptation while knowing all the same that to follow through was to doom himself. The smell of alcohol mingled with the aroma of hot food, triggering memories he was trying hard to forget. He shook his head and tried to focus, knowing he was more than his biological desires. He practised some of the grounding techniques his counsellor had helped him learn. He paid attention to his breathing, paying attention to the warm air entering his lungs through his mouth and leaving his body through his nose. He paid attention to the way the warmth of the room felt on his cold face, to the stinging sensation of his nerve ends protesting the change in temperature. The heat was almost overwhelming after the frigid journey, but he welcomed it, letting it seep into his bones.
Emily’s greeting pulled him into the bar even further, but he felt ready for it. Walking up to the counter he placed his order with Gus, who offered a nod and a smile before disappearing into the kitchen to prepare the food. Turning away from the bar top he saw Willy and Clint in their regular spot. As Shane moved past Harvey on his way to the sounds of the arcade, he offered a silent nod to the quiet man who had saved his life more than once. He would always appreciate the man who never made him feel judged, the man who always treated him with respect and kindness.
Shane knew that it would be about twenty minutes before his food was ready, which was a long time for a man to be surrounded by the smell of stale beer that filled the Star Drop. Shane had started coming to the arcade while waiting for his food once the weather had turned, making it impossible to wait for the food outside. He settled in front of the old Junimo Cart machine, and practised tunnelling his mind in on the game to block out all the other sensations. While he worked on timing the carts jumps to leap over the gaping holes in the track, he was especially grateful to the warm interior of the bar. He was grateful to the opportunity to allow the warmth to permeate his core, just as the warmth grew inside of thim, his determination grew once again, to try and do better. To be better.
He was pulled out of his forced concentration by the gentle touch of Emily’s hand on his shoulder. Looking up at the blue haired woman he met her smile with one of his own. Over her shoulder he could not help but notice Clint watching their interaction with sadness in his eyes. Shane knew what it was that Clint hoped for, the whole town knew what Clint hoped for. However, he knew that Clint’s hopes would never be fulfilled, that Emily’s heart already belonged to another. Shane had seen the evidence of it on long quiet nights when she was wiping down the bar top chatting away about the latest letter she had received from Sandy. He saw it in the way that her eyes would light up when anyone mentioned the desert, and in the residual joy that would linger on her face after she had visited her friend. Shane knew that Emily was not yet ready to admit where her heart lay, but he also knew that Clint would never receive from the blue-haired woman what it was that he was looking for.
“Hey Shane, Gus says the food’s ready.”
“Awesome, I’ll be right there.” Shane stood up from the old arcade machine and walked back into the main room of the Star Drop, following behind his friend.