Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

~~~
Have you ever wondered what it must feel like to put a knife into another person's heart? What motivates a murderer to do this? What thought processes take place in the brain that lead to do such an act? What moment in life made a human stop being a human?
~~~

I feel a sharp jolt and then my back hits the rough wall of the building.

I feel blood dripping from my eyelashes and nose.

I feel like I'm losing my breath.

I'm trying to look ahead and focus on what is happening around me, but I can't. Everything suddenly lost its meaning. All I feel is a sharp pain in my chest. Flashing lights, blood on the palms of my hands. Headache...damn headache.

— How could you do this to her?! — Sam shouted at me and pushed my body so hard that I hit the wall again — Answer!

She can scream. She has the right to scream.

— I...I'm sorry...

I slipped on the floor full of blood and fell. Apart from her legs, I can see Tara's body. This sight makes the blood on my face start to mix with tears...Anika is holding her head and crying loudly, cursing everything around her.

Confusion.
Mess.
Lights.
Blood.
Knife.
Mask...

I looked at the thing I was gripping tightly in my hand and felt sick. A fucking mask that looks like a ghost's face.

— You'll rot in jail, Amber — I heard from Sam, and then the sound of police sirens reached my ears

Chapter Text

~~~
People spend their entire lives striving to achieve perfection, even though deep down they know that they will never have it. Some individuals however, wake up, eat, work, eat, go to sleep and that's it, until life ends. Nevertheless, you have to set certain goals. It doesn't matter what kind, as long as it is obtainable. Because what would life be like if there were no dreams and motivation? But let's not forget how easy it is to catch an obsession.

Amber Freeman knows well what that feels like.
~~~

I crossed the threshold of the school and immediately sighed heavily. School is a place I hate with all my heart. It's not that studying is difficult for me or that I don't have friends here. In this respect, everything works as it should. I am not left without a role here. The problem is that I hate getting up in the morning because when I don't get enough sleep I tend to be a bit irritated. And when I'm in this state, it's even harder for me to tolerate this one bitch.
Exactly the one who is now standing near me and laughing loudly at her beloved. I hate that sound. I practically feel like my ears are going to start bleeding. Even though I don't like getting involved in arguments and drama, it comes easily to me with her. However, I refrained from making any comments and simply moved forward. There is no point in starting the day with an argument.

— Amber. Amber. Amber — I heard Liv so I stopped and turned around — Thanks God!

I smiled at how chaotic she was. To be honest, she always is. All my friends are, which is strange, because I prefer peace and quiet.

— What? — I asked when she hugged me

When she does it with such tenderness, it's easy to sense that she needs something.

— I need to copy your homework.

— Oh my God, Liv...Please try to do it yourself at least once. School is important. How will you pass the exam without studying?

— Jesus! — she took her face in her hands, devastated — Sometimes I forget that you're a nerd. This doesn't match your aura at all.

I looked at her confused because what she was saying made absolutely no sense.

— What aura?

The girl stretched her fingers out in front of her and started counting.

— First of all, you wear wide pants and tops, cool jackets. No checkered shirts. Second of all, you drive to school on a fucking motorcycle. And thirdly, you play football as a striker. Does this sound nerdy to you? — Liv asked and slapped me on the shoulder

— I've never claimed to be one — I answered and shrugged with a smile

Without a word, I took out my math notebook and gave it to the girl. It pisses me off that she doesn't put any effort into it, but she's my friend. I will always help her.

— Last task. That's all we were supposed to do.

— I love you.

— I know.

The girl ran to the classroom to copy the assignment and I headed towards the locker. When I opened it, I looked at the calendar stuck on the door. We have a game against Rosewood on Friday. Hence? A sleepless night. I hate the fact that after winning or losing a game there is a big drinking party in the forest. Everyone insists that I come, so I go, even though I'd really rather lie in bed and sleep.

— Hi. Have you seen Liv? — Chad asked and stopped next to me

He leaned back against one of the lockers and looked worriedly into space.

— Hi. She's already gone to class.

— Maybe I'll catch her on the next break. We had a small fight.

— Oh. What happened?

I hate being put in the middle, but I know Chad and Liv would never make me choose. They're trying to keep me and Mindy out of their relationship problems. I appreciate that.

— I don't know. Sometimes relationships are really complicated — he said and sighed — So enjoy your freedom Freeman — he added and smiled

— Trust me, I do. I can't even imagine myself with someone.

— But there are so many people chasing you. It's not like you don't have any rizz.

I know I'm quite attractive. Many guys asked me out on dates, but I never felt like "he was the one". I kissed them and hugged them, but that's it. I've never fallen in love.

— Boys this age are too stupid for me to talk to them — I said and laughed but then I saw his look — No offense.

— What about Ethan? I thought there was something.

— I only liked him when I kissed him because he couldn't talk.

We both laughed and I closed my locker door. Chad straightened up just as the school bell rang. He patted me on the shoulder saying we'll catch later and went to his class.

As I sat down next to Liv, Mindy ran into the classroom and took the seat in front of us.

— Congratulations, you're finally not late — Liv told her and smiled

— This time I set five alarms. Due to Chad's morning trainings, there is no one to wake me up.

— Okay everyone — teacher said — I have something interesting planned for our second semester.

When a teacher says something like that, it doesn't mean anything good.

— You will be doing a project. Each pair will get their own topic, which one you draw from this bowl — the woman pointed her finger at the bowl with the notes inside — You will conduct questionnaire, collect information and create a presentation. You must then present it to the class. But you have to speak, not read.

— I'll take care of it and then you'll learn it, okay? — I asked Liv and she agreed

— But getting down to specifics, you also have to draw your partners — Mrs. Sulivan pointed to the other bowl — People with an even number in the journal will do that.

— Shit — Liv commented

We both have an even number, and so does Mindy. Our chance for a combined project is ruined.

Students began to go to the desk one by one to draw their pair. I waited patiently for my turn, praying that I wouldn't choose some idiot who would ruin my work. I tend to get along with everyone in the class, but my project has to be the best so it's better for them to work hard at it. When it was finally my time, I walked over to the desk and stuck my hand into the first of the bowls. I pulled out a small piece of paper and looked at it.

— Harm of alcohol, drugs and cigarettes — I read loudly so Mrs. Sulivan could note it

That's easy one.

I moved to the second bowl and hesitated for a moment before reaching out. I looked at the number, but I couldn't figure out who it belonged to.

— Number three — I said and looked around students

The whispers that ran through the room gave me a bad feeling. At that moment, the hand of the person I didn't expect at all and whom I didn't want to draw went up.

— Fuck — I whispered and rolled my eyes

— Amber and Tara. Noted — Mrs. Sulivan said

I crumpled the note in my hand so hard that I felt my nails dig into my skin. The girl just smiled unpleasantly and went back to staring at the phone. On the way to the desk, I felt Liv and Mindy's eyes on me, but I was too busy clenching my fists to look at them.

— No way — Liv said to me and she stuck her elbow into my hip when I sat down

— You will spend a nice time with our favorite beloved friend — Mindy joked and shook her head — It's a good thing I didn't draw her, because it would have ended in murder.

— I'm afraid it will — I said and I took more air into my lungs

I looked at Carpenter with hatred and just gritted my teeth. She isn't looking at me, she's sitting crouched down, staring at the phone. As always. That typical face of hers that says she doesn't give a damn. This will be the worst project of my life.

...

At the end of class, I quickly packed up and leaned against the wall to wait for Liv and Mindy. Reluctantly, my eyes wandered towards Tara Carpenter. The girl was already looking in my direction. The corner of her mouth went up and she started walking towards me. I cursed under my breath and looked at Mindy for help. I hoped she would stay and chase Tara away, but she had other plans. She moved forward, hit her with her shoulder, making her stagger and then left the room.

Carpenter just rolled her eyes and stood in front of me. It's not that I'm afraid to talk to her or that it's a problem for me. I just rot inside whenever I hear her voice. Her whole personality is driving me crazy.

— What? — I asked, trying to sound rude enough to make her not want to talk

— When do we start the project?

— I can do it myself and just send it to you.

This would be the best option for us. I can't imagine being with her anywhere except at school or at a party. She wouldn't do anything anyway. All the work will be done by me.

— That would be cheating — she said and shrugged

— Like you fucking care about cheating — Liv interjected and finally rose from the chair, slinging her bag over her shoulder

Tara took a deep breath and let it out hard, shaking her head. I pursed my lips because we had entered a topic I really didn't want to go into.

— God...You could finally give it a rest. It's been two months.

— I know, I can count — my friend replied

— And you don't look like you can — Tara retorted and my nerves gave out

— Say what you want to say and fuck off! — I told her and grabbed my backpack

I don't like it when I get emotional, but I won't let her treat Liv like that.

— Okay, calm down. Jesus. Set the days that suit you and let me know. Bye.

Neither of us answered her, so she turned on her heel and left the classroom. Liv looked at me and shook her head sympathetically.

— I feel sorry for you — she said and I just sighed

Chapter Text

~~~
To what extent do you know yourself? How would you cope, with the new situation? Can you predict your next moves? Sometimes people can surprise themselves. Who can you trust then, if you can't even trust yourself?
~~~

 

My heart is beating like crazy and my vision is getting a little dark. I am biting my cheeks hard, as if it would help me in any way. I pulled up the sleeves of my thermal blouse and stopped at the pitch line. I’m trying to steady my breathing quickly so as not to show that I’m tired. The coach organized a fitness training for us today, which I want to do as well as possible. We will be playing another match of this year's league soon. So far, we have gained enough points to be in the top five, but it is not enough for me. I want to win. This year must be ours.

I looked with embarrassment at the girls from the team who lay down on the pitch, tired from running. How can we be the best if they are so lazy? Speed ​​is one of the fundamentals of football. Stressed by the sudden vision of failure, I started cracking the bones in my fingers. I just don't understand the fact that they aren't even trying to do their best. Why play at all if you don't plan to win?

— Shit I’m dying! — Mindy whined and walked over to me, unscrewing the bottle of water

She drank it all at once and then sat down on grass. I would love to throw myself on the ground and never get up, but I don’t want to show that.

— How on earth can you still stand? — she asked

I sniffed and wiped away a drop of sweat running down my forehead. The dark spots in front of my eyes disappeared, but the difficulty in breathing remained. I just hope that the coach counted my time correctly.

— I’m not a pussy — I said firmly and looked at my friend

— And I am and I don't hide it.

With these words, she threw herself back and lay on her back on the grass.

— At least go drink some water — Mindy reminded but I shook my head

I feel like if I start walking my legs will fall off.

— No. It was an easy run.

— Go. Drink. Water. Now.

— Jesus, M. I don’t…— I started, but when I met her gaze I changed my mind — Okay.

Mindy is very concerned about my hydration. Not so long ago I ended up in the hospital for two days due to overwork. Since then, my friends and family have not let me live in peace. The stepmother just sighs when she hears the word gym. They all just don't understand how important sport is.

I slowly walked towards the stands, where my bag is lying. I sat down on the grass and leaned my back against the fence. I unscrewed the bottle and took a few sips. It was a salvation for my dry palate.

I stared at my shadow created on the artificial grass and ran my hand through my hair to straighten it a bit. However, I didn't have to look for long because someone stood straight behind me. Their shadow merged with mine.

Although it's normal for a lot of students to sit in the stands to watch training after school, I felt strange that someone was standing straight above me. I turned back to see who it was and snorted in annoyance. I got up from the grass and turned to the girl. I don't know why she came here. The cheerleaders are not practicing today.

— What’s up? — Tara asked and leaned her elbows on the railing

I am annoyed by the fact that she is standing higher so I have to lift my head to look at her.

— What do you want?

I actually asked her that question as calmly as I could. I will spend some time with her and I can't imagine arguing every time.

— I just want to ask if you already planned when we will start the project? What days do you have time?

I actually meant to think about it and let her know, but I forgot. I started to wonder and she smirked. I narrowed my eyes, not understanding what was that supposed to mean.

— Are you so busy that you haven't found time to think? Two days have passed — she said

She pulled her vape out of her pocket and took a drag. I looked at her with pity as she exhaled smoke from her mouth. Do I really have to do a project about the harmful effects of smoking with her?

— Some people have work to do. They have a life, you know? — I told her and I bit my cheek

— It's sweet that you call kicking a soccer ball and lifting dumbbells work.

I smiled annoyed and scanned her with my eyes. We will not reach an agreement.

— It's better than living from weekend to weekend like in your case.

— At least I'm enjoying life — Tara said and shrugged

Do I really want to put myself through all this stress? I can't even stand twenty minutes with her. I don't understand her behavior or thinking. She's a stranger to me, but I already know her too well to not want to get to know her.

— Maybe it would be best if I deal with biology myself and you just sign it — I suggested and crossed my arms — This would be the best option for us.

I see she's started to think about it. However, I can't read what she thinks about it.

— No — Tara said and it surprised the hell out of me

But she always avoids her responsibilities? She's not interested in anything, she doesn't care about anything.

— Because? — I asked mad

— Because…no.

I rolled my eyes, feeling like I could tear her apart. I hate the tone in which she speaks.

— Is that your only argument?

— Yeah.

— Great.

This wasn't a surprise. I'm going to work with the biggest idiot I know.

— Give me your number so we can arrange a time to meet — she said and took out her phone — Catch!

She threw the phone at me and I caught it, but for a second I thought about stepping back and letting it break. I entered my number and sent a dot to myself.

— Okay, throw it to me.

She put the vape in her pocket and prepared to catch. I smiled evilly and shrugged.

— Come and get it — I said and put her phone on the grass

— I don't want to go down there. I have to go all the way across the stands.

I know. That's why I did it.

— Not my problem, Carpenter. Bye.

I waved at her and turned on my heel to run back to the rest of the team.

— Go fuck yourself, Freeman! — she shouted and I heard her hit the railing

I smiled to myself and shook my head. This will be the worst collaboration of my entire life. I hate her. I really do. If she thought I would forget what she did so easily, she was wrong.

…

When the whistle blew three times, my team started celebrating. With a smile on my face, I grabbed Mindy to keep her from falling after she jumped on me and wrapped her legs around my waist.

— Woo! — she shouted — Who won? We won! Fuck you mother…

— Okay, enough — I laughed and covered her mouth so she wouldn't get a yellow card again.

The girl jumped off me and gave me a high five. Two of my teammates also ran up to us, not hiding their delight. Brit plays as a left winger and Savannah protects the ball from entering our goal. Mindy picked up our redhead goalkeeper and spun her around. Even though I thought that was the end of the celebration, she ran to me again.

— I'll drink until the morning today! — she added and ruffled my hair with her hand, messing up my perfect ponytail

Of course, I'm happy that we won again, but I'm not satisfied with our performance.

— Without exaggeration. We only won one to zero — I said and fixed my hairstyle

— A win is a win — Brit told me and wiped the sweat from her forehead

I turned to leave towards the locker room, but stopped when I saw our cheerleaders running onto the field.

— Finally something noteworthy — Mindy said and sat on the grass, drooling over them as usual — Sit down, let's watch.

— There's nothing special here.

I stared at Carpenter waving her pom-poms and bit my cheeks. Instead of doing something sensible, she prefers to flex in front of a stadium full of people.

— I've seen them perform many times. I don't have to again — I said to my friend and moved forward

On the way to the locker room, my eyes landed on the girls a few more times, especially the beautiful Emma Duval. When I finally got inside, I breathed heavily and took off my T-shirt, which was already too hot for me. I looked at the defined muscles on my stomach and ran my fingers over them. They could be more visible.

The locker room door opened with a bang and my pink-haired friend ran inside.

— Where's my favorite striker?! — Liv shouted and waved the poster she always makes for me when I have a match

— I guess that’s me — I replied with a smile

— What time should I get ready for the party? — she asked and girls began to enter the locker room one by one

— I don’t really want to go — I said and grabbed a towel — We have a math test next week.

— Come on, Amber. It’s Friday.

— Come on, Freeman, don't be silly — said Amelie and laughed

— I know but it doesn’t change anything.

— This changes everything, honey — Liv commented and sat down on the bench next to Mindy, who was currently finishing a bottle of water — Take a shower and we'll go to your house. I need to borrow one of your jackets. It will match my pants.

I sighed and nodded. I can't win against Liv anyway.

…

— Can we go home? — I asked hopefully and I received an annoyed look from Liv in response

— We've been here for ten whole minutes.

— I know, but half the people are already drunk. I hate this.

I leaned against one of the trees and put my hands in my jacket pockets. I don't know who thought having a bonfire in February was a good idea. I would prefer this party to take place at someone's house so that I could sit on the couch and not get up.

— Can you celebrate your win properly for once? — Chad asked, waving a bottle of champagne in my face

My stomach tightened as I thought about today's match. It was not good. Yes, we won but we could have done it in a much better way. A one-goal advantage means nothing.

— No, thanks.

— Okay, I'm not encouraging.

Chad pushed the bottle away, Liv wrapped her arms around his neck and started pecking his cheek. He smiled and turned his head to connect their lips.

This is probably the only relationship that doesn't make me want to puke. They are simply made for each other, nothing is forced.

— Freeman! — I heard that unpleasant voice, hoarse from alcohol, that can make even Liv break away from kissing Chad

My hand tightened on the water bottle and I began to furtively look around to see if Mindy was nearby. At the same time, Tara had already gotten close enough. Her hips, as always, are occupied by Frances' hands.

— What do you want? — I asked Tara, while ignoring her girlfriend

— Want to do a project tomorrow? We need to start.

— You were supposed to text me, not approach — I told her

— Do you all have to be so mean to her? — Frances said and looked around at me and my friends

I bit my lip in amusement and looked at the girl with pity.

— This is called loyalty — Chad respond

— She doesn't know that word — Liv added and smiled

I laughed and looked at Tara, who just pursed her lips, not even planning to defend her girlfriend. I'm rarely the first one to start, but when the opportunity arises, I can laugh at them a bit.

— Be careful, maybe she's playing with you too.

Carpenter didn't answer me, she looked around as if she expected it. Frances, full of fury and desperation, grabbed her hand.

Honestly, I never liked her. I waited patiently for her to make a mistake so that I wouldn't have to pretend that she was my friend anymore.

— Won't you tell them anything? — she asked Tara in an upset tone

— What am I supposed to say?

The girl, dissatisfied with the answer she received and this indifferent shrug, let go of her hand and walked away into the forest.

— No. Baby, wait! — Carpenter called out and ran after her

The embarrassment I feel is indescribable.

— And that’s why, I prefer being single — I concluded and moved forward to join my team

On the way, I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed the number signed "dwarf". Of course I had to change the name because this idiot signed her name as: The Sexiest Cheerleader At School.

But Tara Carpenter has no match for Emma Duval.

me: Your place at 2. Be ready on time, I go to the gym at 5.

Chapter Text

~~~
When we go mad, we are able to do what we normally couldn't.
~~~

I stood in front of the mirror and combed my hair back with my fingers. I looked at my reflection and flexed my biceps to see if I looked good. I don't care about huge muscles, I just want them to be visible properly. I do my best to keep my arms looking good, but it doesn't work out well. They're just too thick. If only women had as little body fat as men, it would be a lot easier.

— Lunch is ready! — my stepmother exclaimed, interrupting my self-gazing

I grabbed my gym bag, slung it over my shoulder and left the room. I ran down the long stairs and entered the dining room. The smell of food immediately entered my nostrils and my stomach rumbled.

— Help you with something? — I asked, putting my bag on the floor

— No need — she answered — I made pasta with tuna and zucchini. Want me to pack this for you to eat after training? Or are you going straight home?

I quickly thought about what I was going to do and came to the conclusion that I had nothing planned. Unless Liv, Mindy, or Chad suddenly come my way, I'll be spending the evening at home.

— I'd rather go home. I need to learn.

— It's weekend, Amber — she laughed and placed the dish on the table

— Let her learn, that's the most important thing now — my dad said as he entered the room — Right after football, of course.

He winked at me, kissed Kate, and sat down at the table. I sat down opposite him and started putting pasta on my plate.

— Has your sister texted you? — he asked — I couldn't reach her on the phone.

— She didn’t.

— I would like to go back to college. Best time in life — Kate said dreamily — These parties, friends, freedom.

College is not only about parties…After all, it's about getting an education, becoming someone. Why is everything about drinking and dancing these days?

— You still have it — dad reminded her

— At this age it's not that exciting anymore.

Not at sixteen either. I simply don't understand certain behaviors of my peers. Most of them are people who enjoy drinking beer in the forest and watching porn in the middle of the night. Also, they don't give a damn about school, not to mention taking care of their health. What kind of life is this?

— You are forty years old, your freedom actually begins now — I said and shrugged — The children are raised, the financial situation is stable, you can do whatever you want.

— Actually, Amber is the only one in this room acting like an old person.

Kate laughed and I looked at my father and shook my head.

— Very funny, dad.

I continued eating, wanting to get this done quickly so I could finally go to Carpenter. The sooner I get there, the sooner I'll leave.

— Speaking of you, how did the last match go? — he asked and I felt stress spreading through my body

— We…we won. One to zero.

— I assume the goal was yours, right?

I gripped my fork tighter and took a deep breath. I hoped he forgot about yesterday's game. What am I supposed to tell him now? I fucked up.

His waiting look only made me feel worse.

— No. Not mine — I said in a low voice

— The most important thing is that you won — Monica said but I ignored it

— No. She has to shoot if she wants to make the college team. Why would they need a striker who doesn't score?

He’s right. Without goals I'm useless.

— Szczęsny doesn't score in every match either…— Kate said to save me but she only received a confused look from us

— Honey, he is a goalkeeper — dad said

— I felt I had made a mistake — she admitted, shrugged and returned to eating

I, on the other hand, completely lost my appetite at that moment. I stood up from the table and grabbed my gym bag.

— You haven't finished eating — dad told me but I didn't turn to look him in the eyes

I can’t. I hate to disappoint him.

— I'm in a hurry. I'm doing a project with a girl from my class.

I frowned at the thought of Carpenter. Not only am I in a bad mood, but she's ruining it even more. Even one thought about her…One thought and I feel anger coursing through my veins. What a terrible day…

— Have fun.

Due to my bad mood, I grimaced at my father's words. Fun? How the hell am I supposed to have fun when I fucking failed yesterday?

— Sure — I replied dryly as I left the dining room

Right now, I would like to go to training straight away to release all my emotions. I want to feel this muscle pain spreading throughout my body. When I lift weights, my brain turns off, my vision blurs and I feel like I'm going to drift off. Nothing matters then.

But before I finally get to that moment, I have to spend time at this bitch's house. Sometimes I want to grab her and just...

…

Tara's mother let me into the house and a few seconds later the girl appeared at the top of the stairs. I didn't even have time to look around the house. The only thing that caught my attention was the complete lack of any decorations in the corridor. It's probably because they moved here recently, at the very end of the vacation.

When my eyes met Tara's again, she nodded and pursed her lips. I straightened my back and tightened my jaw, preparing to say a simple "hello." However, these words never left my mouth. I’m looking at her, waiting for her to speak first. Tara’s eyes are so damn dark, as always but from this distance, they seem almost black. Moreover, they are empty, like the rest of her.

— Let's go to my room — she said, while breaking me out of my concentration

I climbed the stairs, feeling uncomfortable with each step. It's like entering a minefield, walking through enemy territory. The fact that she's standing a few steps higher and looking down at me doesn't make it any better. I don't like looking at people when I'm lower. It's humiliating.

She stuck her hands in her sweatshirt pockets as she walked with me to her room. There are no pictures on the walls, no flowers, and practically nothing. Her house is devoid of character, as if they didn't plan to live there for long.

Tara’s hunched posture and silence are irritating me. I sense that she is also irritated by my presence here. Maybe when she sees that our cooperation cannot exist, she will give up and let me do the project myself. This would really be the best option for us.

When Tara stopped at the door to her room, she turned to me and opened them for me.

— Come in — she said, to which, of course, I didn't answer her

The less we talk about something that is not related to the project, the less chance we have of quarreling.

I looked around her room, but there's nothing special there either. Unmade bed, desk, on which there are many sheets of paper, carpet, wardrobe and dirty mirror. That’s it. There are no posters on the walls, no flowers on the floor or anything other than dirty clothes. Even blue walls seem colorless. This confirms the theory that the bedroom reflects a person's character. Empty but still messy.

— I didn't have time to clean up, I got up late — she explained when she saw my face

— I see.

Without looking at Tara, I pulled the chair away from the desk and sat down. I took my phone out of my pocket and turned on my notes, where I wrote down all the actions we could take in the project. I did it last night to avoid the awkward silence today.

— We can conduct a survey at school, preferably during lessons, so that students are willing to participate in it. Of course it will be anonymous.

— Okay — Carpenter answered, still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room

I raised my eyebrows slightly as I looked at her. That's it? "Okay"? However, I decided to leave it without comment and just continue.

— If we have time, we can also conduct a survey in the city among older people — she said, as she sat on the bed — For comparison.

I turned in my chair more towards the girl and snapped my fingers. Why didn't I think of it myself?

Tara’s looking at me expectantly, probably wanting to know what I think. I have to respond to her somehow, approving her words but not praising her at the same time. Praising someone else's idea is never a problem for me, but the situation becomes difficult when it comes to a person I don't even want to see.

— Good idea — I said dryly — We should do that. So next…

— Are you serious or what?

I looked at Carpenter, annoyed that she had interrupted me. What is she on about again?

— What do you mean? — I asked

— Did you say it was a good idea sarcastically or seriously? Because your words and your look and body posture do not work together at all — she said with a shrug — Does it hurt you that much to admit I'm right?

I felt warmth spread across my chest. My muscles tensed and my eyes widened slightly. Does she necessarily have to start arguments?

— What should I do? — I asked, trying to control my growing anger — Jump of joy because you once said something smart?

Carpenter laughed bitterly and shook her head. If I had known that she would start a fight because I agreed that her idea was good, I would have stayed silent.

— You don't even know me and you are speaking out! — she said and she got up from the bed to stand in front of me

— Of course I know you, we go to class together! — I said and didn't like the fact that I had to lift my head to look into her eyes — I've gotten to know you enough to say that I don't really like you.

Before I knew it, she had both hands on the armrests of the chair and her eyes were level with mine. I didn't lean back despite the close proximity. She has no advantage over me, she better be aware of it.

— Freeman, what's your problem with me? What have I done to you? — she asked and I smirked

If she thinks she can push me down and suppress me, she is sorely mistaken. I shook my head slightly, showing my embarrassment at the situation. Does she think she looks more dangerous now? Or at least seriously? She looks pathetic.

— Does it bother you that I don't like you? Does my opinion affect you that much?

— No…

— So why are you arguing? — I knocked her out of rhythm and got up from the chair so that she had to move a few steps away. And it's good that she did it because I don't want to be close to her — I'll send you the rest of my notes. I guess there's no point in trying to come to an agreement today.

— Yeah. I guess.

— Bye, Carpenter. I'll get to the door myself.

I took my things and moved forward without turning back to the girl who didn't even bother to say goodbye.

…

My entire training was ruined because of the emotions that Carpenter aroused in me. Usually, anger motivated me and spurred me into action. Now I just want to lie on the floor and look at the ceiling. I didn't break any weight records and was barely able to finish the exercises. It was labor, not pleasure. Even though I did everything on my list today, I don't feel satisfied.

I put on boxing gloves and walked over to the empty bag. I started punching it, but I didn't feel any energy in me. The bag just bounces gently and I only feel worse and worse.

I'm always strong and fast when I box, but this time my hands are like jelly. I even tried to imagine that the bag was Tara, but it made me feel even more defeated.

Why am I not doing anything the fuck right? Failure after failure. How do I break this cycle? What the hell should I do?

No goal from me in the match.

Bad training.

Project with that dumb bitch.

I closed my eyes for few seconds, but it didn't make me feel any better. And the moment tears came to my eyes, I realized that I had to do something about it. I quickly unfastened my gloves and threw them in a corner. I ran to the locker room and was relieved when it turned out to be empty. I almost hit the sink with my body, but I grabbed both sides of it at the last moment. I squeezed my hands on it tightly and looked at my reflection.

— Do. Not. Cry. — I said sharply to myself and smiled crookedly

But my body doesn't want to listen to me. And it should, because I am in control of it. I'm in fucking control of everything.

— Don’t cry for God's sake! — I screamed at my reflection while gripping the edges of the sink tighter

I don't understand why I can't control myself. Crying is for weak people, not for me. I took a deep breath, then slapped myself harshly. Redness immediately appeared on my cheek. The pain wasn't the most pleasant either.

But it worked. And that's all that matters.

Chapter Text

~
People tend to be overly confident in themselves and their abilities. One day they may be surprised, which will be very unpleasant. Their greatness they believed in will be broken in seconds.
~

I straightened up in my chair and picked up the papers from the desk to take a closer look at them. The light coming from the window hurts my eyes a bit, but I don't want to get up to close the blinds. I spent half the night in front of my laptop writing out the entire plan for my project. Maybe it was a mistake, because now I'm tired and I have so much work ahead of me. The previous evening I felt dazed from that sudden tantrum. It just disrupted my whole planned day. And I hate change.

I looked in the mirror and saw my exhausted face. Even swallowing two caffeine pills didn't give me much energy. My red eyes look a little scary, as if I had stayed up at least two nights and not just half.

My eyes returned to the papers with the planned project. I'll eventually have to reach out to Carpenter again so she at least knows what we're going to do. But definitely not today. I don't want to text her first since she's the one who started the whole problem. My intentions were pure, I wanted to be neutral for the sake of the project.

I heard a knock on the door, so I turned in my chair towards it. When the door opened I saw Kate. As almost always, she greets me with a tender smile. "Almost always", because when she's mad you can't make her smile. No matter how hard you try. She passed it on to the next Prescott generation.

— It's already nine and you haven't come down for breakfast. I was starting to think you were gone.

— Where would I be? — I asked and bit the inside of my left cheek — I have a lot of studying, I'll eat later.

— Alright dear. If you get hungry, text me and I'll make you something.

Sometimes it really warms my heart to know that someone like Kate exists. I know she is not my mother and I have never called her one, but it is much closer to me than my real one. We may be very different, but we get along. She doesn't understand my ambition and determination in many situations, my approach to life, but that's not important. Kate is just here with me. This is important.

— Thanks — I said and smiled gently

— Oh, and...— she started but hesitated and closed her mouth — Never mind, we'll talk later.

— Ok.

She left my room and I went back to books and notes.

...

I closed the house door behind me and twirled the motorcycle keys around in my fingers. I spent four hours studying, so I decided to get some fresh air. Today everything exhausts me even twice as much, so i really need it. Maybe meeting with Liv will really clear my brain a bit. It always does.

Liv is the biggest talker I know. It's like she never runs out of topics to talk about, like it doesn't tire her out. I love this about her. Although sometimes...often...I have a lot to say, with her I can just be silent and listen. She gives me comfort.

When I parked in front of her house, she ran out smiling. She held her pink helmet in her hand, waving it from time to time. I bought it for her the day after I got the motorcycle from my dad. She was so happy that she was jumping for a few minutes. There are times when I envy Liv for being such a positive person. I just can't do it. I don't know why. I usually know the answer to many things, but not to why I am so stiff and emotionless.

— Hi girl! — she said and hugged me

— Hi — I answered with a smile

— Where are going?

— Shake's?

She looked at me excitedly, but after a second her face turned disgusted. I bit the inside of my cheek not understanding what she meant.

— Will you drink that disgusting sugar-free stuff again? — she asked

I laughed and shook my head.

— Of course. I'm surprised you're even asking about it.

She grabbed me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes.

— Deep down Amber, I still believe that you will start drinking what normal people drink.

— You mean beer?

I don't feel the need to drink. It's not even about my age, I just never understood it. People drink, then they have hangovers. They get headaches, they puke. Besides, you can do a lot of stupid things when you're drunk. I wouldn't want the whole school to make fun of me and bully me for it.

— I had in mind a regular Coke or orange soda, but beer is fine too — Liv told me and smiled proudly

— This will be the day I lose my mind. Jump in and let's go.

When we got to our favorite spot, we sat down at one of the tables and started looking through the menu. However, when I opened the menu card my eyes did not focus on the words in front of it. I glance every few seconds at Emma Duval standing behind the counter, looking at her phone. She's working here to earn some extra money before she goes to college.

I've always liked her style and character. She's nice, a great student, and she also practices cheerleading. On Sundays she always shows up at the gym.

— I don't know why we look at the menu every time since we always choose the same thing — Liv said, distracting me from looking at the girl

— Yeah — I answered, feeling a bit stuffy — Maybe one day we will finally decide to open up to something new.

— Since you've already started that topic, has anyone new appeared that interests you? — my friend gave me this suspicious look and leaned in waiting for an answer

I looked at Emma who had finally put her phone down and grabbed her order pad. I hope she's coming to take our order. I want my shake.

— No. You know me. You know I'm not looking for a boyfriend — I told Liv and I put my menu card aside

I'm really fine with being single. I tried to feel something but I didn't find anyone worthy of attention. Kissing Ethan and the others was cool, but that's it. I just can't fall in love, nor charm, none of that.

— I'm not talking about getting into a relationship. Just something even for a moment. You don't need a boyfriend, you need some fun.

— No. No one is in my head and that's fine by me. Maybe one day it will happen. And if not, oh well, I don't care.

— Your loss.

— Hey, can I get your order? — Emma asked as she appeared next to out table

— Sure. For me it will be...

— Vanilla Shake sugar free? — Emma asked with a smile

I laughed and nodded. Liv wasn't even surprised that the girl knew my order. I come here at least once a week, I think everyone who works here knows what I'm going to order. I just don't like change.

— Exactly — I replied and looked at the floor

I didn't miss Liv's reaction though, she smiled like an idiot. I don't even know why and I'm not going to ask.

After taking Liv's order, Emma turned to me again.

— Great match. As always, you won.

— Thank you, Emma — I answered her and I felt a strange warmth in my chest

Maybe I just needed to hear that.

I followed her path back with my eyes. Liv snapped her fingers in front of my face so I turned back to my friend.

— You love being adored — she commented mockingly

— She just congratulated. Never mind. Tell me how you are.

I picked up a napkin and started folding it to keep my hands occupied.

— Everything is fine. I'm doing a project with Meredith so I'm not really doing anything — my friend shrugged — She takes care of it.

— Liv — I said firmly

— What? She wanted to. I offered to help.

How much would I give to be in Meredith's place...

— It's a pity that my „partner" didn't want to agree to such an arrangement.

— Fucking Tara Carpenter — Liv said with hatred — Tell me how it went with her.

Our whole gang hates her and Frances. They hurt Mindy badly and we're not letting go that easily. The truth is, I never liked Frances because she is just too stupid, possessive and irritating, but I never expected her to cheat.

— I was at her place for maybe ten minutes, but we argued so I left. I'm not going to talk to her first...

I had barely finished my sentence when suddenly Liv started kicking me under the table.

— What? — I asked, completely confused.

— Talk of the devil.

I turned around and saw two girls entering the place. My blood pressure immediately rose and I clenched my teeth against the inside of my cheeks.

Even here, in my favorite place, I can't find peace. Tara is everywhere I am lately. And when Tara is there, so is Frances. I'm mad that she transferred to my high school. Everything was fine when Carpenter wasn't here. Just thinking about her makes me feel something. It's not a positive feeling. I can feel, literally feel, the hatred in my heart, flowing through my veins, waiting to explode.

And the best part is that it wasn't me that she hurt. It just hurts me so much to see Mindy suffering. She still didn't move on and didn't come to terms with what happened. She loved Frances and she was the first person to talk to Tara when she join our class. And where did that take her?

— I've lost all desire for a shake — Liv said and I nodded

— Freeman! — I heard it and crumpled the napkin I was holding in my hand

I can't believe Frances still has the nerve to talk to us...

— Babe, let's go somewhere else — Carpenter said something smart for once...

— No! — I heard and then Frances appeared next to us — Freeman, I understand that you have a problem with me, but don't take it out on my girlfriend!

I'm looking at her with embarrassment. She's just making a fool of herself by making a scene. I hope Emma doesn't hear all this.

— Frances, go away — Liv said calmly but I had different plans

— With your girlfriend I apparently have it too. She's unbearable, how do you deal with it? — I asked and smirked

This only made the girl more angry. I can actually see her face turning red.

Maybe she expected that she would come up to me, threaten me and I would get scared? That just makes it more funny. She's the last person I would be afraid of. What could she possibly do to me? Nothing.

— Amber, don't even piss me off. If I find out one more time that you were mean to her...

This conversation could have easily ended right there. If only I had nodded, agreed. But I felt the need to delve deeper into it. And especially when my eyes met Tara's. This just made my blood boil.

— Then? — I asked

Liv nudged me with her leg under the table, signaling me to let go.

Carpenter grabbed her girlfriend by the arm, clearly unhappy with the confrontation. I'm not surprised. This all just looks pathetic.

— Let's get out of here Fran — she told her

— Fran — I repeated — You like that nickname, huh?

— Yes, I do — Frances said and then gritted her teeth.

My friend smiled and shook her head. We both know that Frances is lying. She hates when people don't use her full name. Even I remembered that.

— Getting back to the heart of the matter...— she continues — Leave Tara alone and be nice.

— I have nothing to do with her, we barely talk — I rolled my eyes because I don't understand why she thinks I even care about talking to Tara

I wasn't even mean to her that day. We didn't get along and that's it. It was obvious that the cooperation would not work out.

— But we'll have to come to an agreement, Freeman — Carpenter interjected and glared at me — We have a project to do. And you both stop talking like I'm not fucking here.

— Jesus — Liv just commented and looked towards the bar, probably expecting our order to appear

She really doesn't like such situations. Her attitude towards people is sometimes too positive. Liv doesn't believe that some people are completely bad or hopeless.

I find it naive.

— You both are a pain in the ass. I know we have a project, I spent half the night on it. I'll send you what I have when I get home and we'll think about what to do next — Tara just nodded without taking her eyes off me, so I also continued to stare at her — And you, "Fran", don't interfere in this — I said without even bothering to look at her

— Oh, I will. If you say anything mean to her again Amber, you will regret it.

The corner of my mouth moved slightly upwards. I nodded and looked at Liv who was clearly barely holding back her laughter. Frances is threatening me.

— Can't wait — I replied with a smile

— Something's wrong? — Emma asked, and I just noticed that she came here with our order

— No, they're leaving — I told her

Frances turned on her heel and quickly walked toward the exit. Tara didn't hesitate either. She just said, "Send me your notes," and disappeared as well. Fortunately. This was getting boring.

After thanking Emma, ​​Liv and I clinked our drinks like we always do.

— So from now on you're going to be nice to Tara? — my friend asked — So you know...to not "regret".

I swallowed the shake and put it back on the table. I looked at Liv and burst out laughing.

— I want to see how she makes me regret.

Chapter Text

~~~
What really matters most in a person's life? Family? Love? Money? Religion? There are as many answers as there are people. Everyone is different, everyone has their own "behaviors" that they don't want to admit out loud. Because people only pretend to be decent.
~~~

I left my motorcycle in the parking lot and headed towards the school. Along the way I looked for Liv, who was probably sitting somewhere in the “smoking area”. I don't like this habit of hers, but I have to accept it. After half a year I got used to it and it doesn't even bother me to stand next to her when she does it. I remember that at first she didn't want to admit to me that she smokes. It's probably because the one time I caught her I lectured her about the harmful effects. It's not my fault that I'm worried about her health. She understands it.

This time, however, she is nowhere to be found. She probably overslept, because in the morning I saw that she was sending me tik toks until 3am. I hope Mindy will come because I don't want to sit alone at the desk for all the lessons. I already know many of the things we are learning now, so I would simply be bored.

When I was about to enter the school my phone started vibrating. I took it out of my jacket pocket and checked the screen. It’s my stepsister. I was a bit surprised that she called so early in the morning, but I picked up without hesitation.

— Hi, what’s up? — I asked and I sat down on the bench in front of the building

— Hey. I'm coming home today, will you pick me up from the station? — Jill asked

— Today? What about college?

— They canceled classes. We have a week off.

Strange. There is no break yet so something must have happened.

Among the crowd of students heading to school, I saw Mindy so I waved for her to come over.

— Why? — I asked

— One of the lecturers is dead — she said dryly

— What? — she shocked me — What happened?

Mindy stood there confused by my reaction.

— How am I supposed to know? All I know is that she was the biggest bitch at the university.

I rolled my eyes and sighed at my sister. I thought I was heartless, but she beats me on this one.

— Jill, you can’t talk like this about the deceased.

— Who died? — Mindy asked but I ignored it

— Rest in peace or something? Will you pick me up?

— Sure, but what time? I don't want to miss class.

I was ready for some remark about me being a "nerd". Perhaps the lecturer's death affected her so she remained silent.

— Around two.

— Okey. Why don't you come back by car?

— Why are you so inquisitive Amber? — she got irritated and I'm sure she rolled her eyes at me — We will spend more time together, look at the advantages.

— Right. See you then.

— Bye. Don’t be too nerdy at school today.

I was wrong earlier.

— Thank you for your advice — I told her and hung up

Our relationship is very much like that of real siblings. We're teasing each other, but we're close. At first, when our parents decided to get married, it was a bit strange, but then we liked each other despite the age difference.

— What’s going on? — Mindy asked me as we started walking

— Jill is coming home for a week.

As soon as I said those words, I realized what was going to happen.

— Can I come over?!

— No, you will not drool over my sister — I said firmly

Mindy has some kind of obsession with her. Sometimes I wonder if she comes over to sit with me or to look at Jill. But if I have to think about it more deeply, it's good that she's focusing her attention on her. After breaking up with Frances, she was pretty devastated. She still is. Mindy tries not to show it but she can't. Just a few shots of vodka are enough to break down the entire protective barrier. She is hurt.

— But she’s so hot! If she had said even one word, I would have taken off my clothes.

— She’s four years older than you.

— I’ll wait. Never give up.

If I weren't convinced by the certainty with which she says it, I would even laugh.

— It's a Sisyphean task.

— A what? — Mindy asked confused

— Never mind — I replied and shook my head

Maybe she should meet someone new, who isn't my sister, to forget about Frances? I know she doesn't believe in love right now, which is understandable since she was betrayed. I don't know, I haven't had such situations. My heart has never been broken and I have never been in love with anyone, so I shouldn't say anything.

My phone buzzed again so I checked the notification.

Liv: I overslept, I'll be later

I knew it.

…

I parked my car at the station and started looking for Jill. It took me a while to find her among the crowd of people. She is talking to some dark-haired girl. I decided to get out and just walk up to her because I know that once Jill starts talking she won't stop quickly. Just like Liv. That's probably why Jill only likes her out of my friends.

— Hi — I said and smiled — I missed you.

Jill smiled when she saw me and reached out to hug me in greeting. I looked at her companion and she nodded awkwardly. This move is familiar to me, but I don't know where from.

— This is Sam, my friend from college. I've often mentioned her to you.

— Yeah, right. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you — I replied and extended my hand, which Sam quickly shook

She's tall and has beautiful dark hair. Even darker than mine or Jill's. They have been studying together for so many years and I am just getting to know her. I wonder what she's doing here. I thought she lived somewhere else.

— Cool to meet you too.

— Amber doesn't know such words — Jill said and rolled her eyes

I furrowed my brows and looked at my sister.

— Of course I do — I told her

— She doesn't know sarcasm either.

She laughed and I felt irritation spreading inside me.

— Do you want to walk to home? — I asked and Jill rolled her eyes again

— Very funny. Where’s car?

— Over there. We should go, your mom is cooking dinner for you.

Kate is overjoyed that Jill is coming home. She won't leave her side today. I think it must be nice, to have a mother who cares about you so much and wants to see you at all.

— Bye Sam. See you tomorrow.

— See ya.

I helped Jill pack her stuff into the trunk and we got in the car.

— I’m so tired — she said as soon as I started the car — This job and studies are killing me.

— I'm not surprised. Listening to so many problems is hard.

— Why nobody stopped me from choosing Psychology. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love it but seriously sometimes it makes me want to puke.

I know she tries not to take everything she hears about almost every day to heart, but she doesn't always succeed. Beneath this facade of indifference, there are certainly strong feelings lurking. I'm sure she is somehow moved by what her patients say.

— It's overwhelming you.

— I had a bad case recently. One girl committed suicide.

Even though she said it dryly, without any expression on her face, I feel that she was very emotional about it.

— You know it’s…

— I know — she interrupted me — So what's mom cooking? — she asked in a completely different tone

I glanced at her and smiled gently.

— I will quote. “Pad thai for my beloved kid”.

— This “beloved kid” turns twenty one next month.

— You'll finally be able to drink in bars.

It wouldn't make any difference to me, but Jill would love it, I guess.

— You seriously think I don’t have a fake ID? — she asked as if it was obvious

— Jill it’s against law!

I wanted to say something more but I decided against it. She's an adult, she knows what she's doing. Or at least sometimes.

— I'm sorry mom.

Jill closed her eyes and rested her head as if she was going to sleep. She's probably tired from sitting on the bus for three hours. I would be too.

There was silence between us for a moment. But it was broken by the vibration of my phone. Jill immediately jumped up and grabbed it first from the phone holder. I looked at her angrily for just a second because I had to focus on the road.

— Ethan? — she asked excitedly and I felt disoriented — Did you finally find a boyfriend?

Why is Ethan calling me? I already explained everything to him. I don't want to be with him and I even less want to be friends with him by force. He is just…weird.

Jill pressed the green button before I could shout "no". I'll kill her, I swear. Why did she do that?

— Amber? Hi. Eee…Yeah. I know I…

I saw the mocking look on Jill's face and I knew she was going to get me into trouble. If I wasn't driving I would have snatched this phone from her a long time ago.

—…I wasn't supposed to call, I know. But my my birthday is in two weeks. Emm…will you drop by?

— No…

— Of course she will! — Jill shouted

She finds it amusing that she does something that I don't agree with.

— Wait. Liv? You’re invited too. There will be a lot of people.

— Listen, Ethan — I started but Jill slapped me on the arm — I don’t…

— …there will even be cheerleaders — he said and I shut my mouth

— I’ll be there! — I said firmly and grabbed the phone from Jill to hang up.

Once I did, I put it in my pocket and went back to staring at the road ahead. Well, I'm going to the party. I'll take Liv with me since he already mentioned her. It doesn't have to be bad at all. Since Emma will be there…I can handle it.

— Your ex? — Jill asked

— No. We just kissed once. I don’t want him.

— Why?

Jill turned to me more curiously. I understand her a little because this is the first time this topic has come up between us. She likes to talk about boys.

— Not my type — I said — Those curls, that style of clothing, I'm not attracted to it. He is great at math and physics, that's a big plus, but he's also terribly shy.

— What’s your type then? You never told me.

— Well…I want my boyfriend to be smart…

— Tell me about look. That’s the most important part.

It's sad that she seriously thinks so.

— I don’t know. Dark hair? Confident, for sure. As long as he doesn't wear a checked shirt and a zip-up sweatshirt over it. This turns me off.

Jill laughed and nodded.

— I get it. Trust me I do — she put her hand on my shoulder — Finally, we have something in common.

— Yeah, at least this.

— But, I don't understand one thing.

— What?

I turned on my turn signal and turned into our entrance. I want to eat what Kate cooked for us. I’m hungry, I haven't eaten since eleven o'clock.

— After the way you described Ethan, I find it hard to believe that, first of all, he's having a party, and secondly, that there'll be cheerleaders — Jill said as I turned off the car

— They like gossip, and there are plenty of them about him — I told her and and grabbed door handle — They claim he has an inappropriate relationship with his dead friend's mother. I think it's made up. He barely knew how to kiss.

We got out of the car and went to the trunk.

— Ew. Also, I thought you weren't interested in gossips.

— I’m not. But I have Liv, so you know.

I swear, everything I know about people at my school I know from Liv. If it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't even know the names of my classmates. Maybe it's a bit rude, but I can't pretend that I care about something.

— She’s like a Gossip Bible. Invite her over, I want to hear new things.

I laughed and took Jill's luggage out of the trunk. We entered the house and as we walked down the hall, Kate ran out of the kitchen to hug Jill. I smiled at the sight and put luggage on the floor.

Then my phone rang again. I looked at the screen and when I saw the words "Tara Carpenter" I immediately went to my room. What does she want?

— What? — I asked dryly when I picked up

— Hey, Freeman. I have an idea that we can invite someone to the class who has quit smoking or drinking to talk about it.

I lay down on the bed and looked at the ceiling. I wrote it down earlier as one of the ideas. This could actually earn us a lot of points.

— I thought about it. We would need the principal’s consent, but it is not known whether we will get it. Also, funds. Few people will be willing to do it for free — I thought for a moment — Unless you know someone who could?

— Are you suggesting something now? — she asked and I bit my cheek

What is her problem again?

— What?

— Because what, because I definitely know someone like that?! Seriously, Freeman? It’s low.

I tightened my grip on the phone and even got up to sit down. I can't stand this girl.

— That's not what I meant and I didn't even mention anything like that. I just thought that since you're suggesting it, you already have someone in mind.

— Well I don’t.

— Work on your complexes, I see you have a lot of them since you get so mad at me about everything — I said meanly and got up to start walking around the room

I feel my heart beating faster and faster. She annoys me so damn much. She arouses so many negative emotions, so much aggression that I want to smash my head against the wall.

— I’m getting mad? You hate me because you don't like my girlfriend. It’s childish. Fran didn't even do anything to you.

— No. It’s not about it. I don't like you because I think you're just a slut who decided to ruin a relationship to prove yourself that someone can love you! Congratulations, you got Frances, who will leave as soon as she see prettier one.

There was silence on the other end. All I could hear was Tara's quiet breathing. But it didn't make me feel guilty. Honestly, I wanted to add a lot more. I felt the need to take it all out on her.

But instead, I hung up.

I stopped in front of the wall and stared at it. I threw my phone on the bed, then swung my fist and hit the wall in front of me hard. I felt my anger subside a bit when the pain appeared.

I grabbed my hand tightly and sat on the bed. I feel the pain spreading from my fingers to my elbow. I slowly straightened my fingers, which led to even more suffer. There are two small tears in the area and a small stream of blood is leaking from one of them.

Fucking Tara Carpenter.

Chapter Text

I parked my motorcycle in front of the school and took off my helmet. The first thing that caught my eye was Emma Duval heading towards the door with a group of cheerleaders. I admire her. She is very talented, no one cheers the school on as well as her team. When she dances, I don't want to take my eyes off her. It's not possible. Today they will have a rehearsal before tomorrow's game.

I stared at her for so long that only a hand on my shoulder snapped me out of my thoughts. I immediately turned my head to see who had accosted me.

Frances.

— What do you want? — I asked arrogantly

— I heard you had a fight with Tara yesterday.

Irritation coursed through my body, making me roll my eyes. What made her think I wanted to talk about it? It's not even her business.

— Maybe yes, maybe no. I don’t care. She complained to you very quickly.

I looked at the girl again. She is bursting with rage. I've honestly never seen her so nervous. I wonder what Carpenter told her, how many of my words she twisted.

— Well, she is my girlfriend. It's obvious that we say things to each other — she told me and I just smirked

— Too bad you didn't think like that when you had your previous girlfriend — I said and she snorted — It is better to cheat with some slut than to tell it straight and break up, right?

— Slut? — Frances repeated and rushed to grab the collar of my jacket — Take those words back!

I smiled sarcastically and got off the motorcycle, with her hands on me. I like situations when my interlocutor gets angry and I stay calm the most. This only shows me how much of an advantage I have over them.

— The word has been spoken, time will not turn back.

She won’t attack me. She wouldn't do that...right? Why do we need a scandal in front of the school?

— I swear Amber… — she said more quietly and tugged at me to pull me closer to her

She better take her hands off me

— Don't swear because you won't be able to keep your word anyway.

Frances dragged me and slammed my back hard against the fence. It hurt me a little, but at the same time there was this pleasant pressure in my chest. I laughed looking into the girl's eyes. Something just suddenly...spurred me into action.

I grabbed her wrists and ripped her hands away from my clothes.

— Don't start a fight with me, it will end badly — I told her

Instead of answering, Frances raised her hand and tried to hit me. Of course I managed to move away in time.

I have this overwhelming urge to just grab her, throw her to the ground and beat her until all my anger leaves my body.

But I can't do something like that. It's not moral.

— I'll kill you Freeman, you insulted my girlfriend!

After saying this, she came closer again and grabbed me by the neck as if she wanted to knock me down. I have to admit one thing, she is strong. She's taller and heavier than me. But I can't let her win.

Worse than the gossip and problems at school would be the fact that she beat me. I can't allow that.

Various images of failure quickly flashed through my mind and I felt ashamed. I don't lose, especially not to someone like her. The mere thought that they would start pointing fingers at me for this suddenly made my anger level rise.

No.

I can’t let her win.

I pushed the girl away from me with all my strength so she fell down. She looked at me surprised and battered, then quickly got up to sit.

I thought that after this I would give up and leave. But I stayed. And maybe it's not the best thing I could do. Something just holds me here and won't let me go. Something tells me to take advantage of this opportunity I have. Frances is on the ground in front of me, I can finally get my revenge.

I feel shivers running through my body, the itching in my fists stirred something inside me.

I moved towards Frances and she quickly stood up. I couldn't hold back, I swung my arm and hit her hard in the face. She grabbed her nose which was bleeding and looked at me with horror. I pushed her so she fell again. I know that you don't finish off a person who is down, but she was the one who wanted to fight.

I looked around and only then realized that there were some students looking at us. True, there aren't as many of them in the parking lot as in front of the school, but they are still there.

— Freeman! — I heard a familiar voice that distracted me from the girl

Tara broke through between students, rushing to save her girlfriend. Right behind her, Mindy is also running towards us. Great. I didn't want my friends to know about it, let alone see it.

My analysis of the situation was interrupted by a sudden punch from a fist, straight to my eye. I put my hand on that spot and looked at Frances. I laughed and shook my head. Something jumped in my chest, automatically filled me with heat.

She went too far. The pain that pierced me only made me stronger. I felt the need for revenge.

We jumped at each other and started kicking, pulling, hitting. I don't care anymore if I get in trouble or who sees it. I want to hurt her, I want to win.

I grabbed her body tightly and started hitting her with my knee. I won't let up until she gives in and apologizes. She should be punished for everything she did to Mindy.

— Freeman stop it! — Carpenter shouted again

— Amber please, get off her — Mindy said

I started to poorly understand the situation. My vision is no longer as clear as before, I feel like I'm just standing in the middle of the chaos as a spectator, not a participant. I don't feel any hits, I don't think they're even coming towards me. Something is driving me but I don't know what. And I don’t know why.

„Amber!”

„Freeman!”

„Amber!”

„Amber!”

This keeps going through my head.

I only woke up when my elbow hit something that was definitely not Frances. I felt like my eyes had just opened. The image comes back to my mind, I hear the cheers of students and the warnings of Mindy.

It was Tara I hit.

I stopped dead and looked at her. She’s standing bent over, holding her split lip and looking at me in shock.

And it made me realize what a mistake I made. I opened my mouth slightly, feeling embarrassed with myself. Not only embarrassed but also scared and shocked.

I stopped resisting and let Mindy pull me away.

— You complete idiot! — she shouted at me

But I didn't focus on her words. I wanted to get away and check on Carpenter. I wasn't supposed to hit her, I didn’t plan it. I looked at Frances and saw how badly I had beaten her. She has a swollen eye, a bloody nose and split lip. Her hair looks like it went through a hurricane and she's dirty from lying on the ground.

Tara helped her up and said something about going to the car. Mindy also started pulling me towards hers.

I don't want to go, I want to know how this will turn out. My heart is beating like crazy. Even though I am starting to understand the situation, I am still so angry that I would like to jump in front of a train.

— Don't piss me off, just walk faster. If the teachers see you, you're screwed! — Mindy said

— I’m walking — I just replied quietly

This is all kind of weird.

I'm still watching Tara and Frances get into the car, or rather Tara putting Frances in it. The way I acted is a little scary.

But my nerves just exploded. I don’t really know why. I always liked my peace and quiet, I didn't let anyone throw me off balance. Today it was completely different. At some point I didn't even care that she had upset me anymore. It wasn't self-defense anymore. There was so much anger built up inside me. Just the fact that it was Frances. And that she was dating Tara. All I cared about was how much I wanted to hurt her.

Mindy drove away from the school still lecturing me. I turned my brain off so I wouldn't have to listen to it. I closed my eyes and smiled gently.

Why am I smiling when a tragedy has happened?

Because I won.

My left eye is throbbing slightly but I don't feel any pain. It is what it is. At least I ended up with only one injury and not a smashed face.

When Mindy pulled up to my house, I thought she was just going to drop me off. But she insisted on going inside. Maybe she really wanted to walk me home or maybe she just wanted to look at my sister. I have no idea.

I silently prayed that Kate wouldn't be home. She'll be devastated when she sees my eye. She will start asking questions and worrying unnecessarily. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

— You don't have to stay with me — I said to Mindy as we entered the house

— We need to talk. In the car you were probably too proud to say anything.

— Amber? You’re home? — I heard Jill

— Yeah.

I headed straight to my room with Mindy. I knew Jill would find out anyway. So would dad and Kate. But the later the better. I need to rest now. I feel like I've completely lost my strength. I'd rather go to sleep.

— Okay — Mindy started as soon as she closed the door — What was that?

— What?

I walked over to the bed and threw myself on it. I’m exhausted. I looked at my hand. It was badly bruised from yesterday and today. The scab that formed has fallen off and it is bloody again.

— Don’t act like a fool. You know what I mean.

I am not a fool.

— Nothing important happened.

— What the fuck Amber?!

I can see that she is very nervous. But what about? That I did what any of us would want?

— What?! — I shouted back to the girl and got up to sit — Frances deserved it! I did it for you, I took revenge on her.

— You did it for yourself. I’ve never asked you to fucking destroy her face!

— She was already ugly — I said and laid down

Mindy calmed down a bit and came to sit next to me. She looked at my hand and sighed.

— I don't know what's going on with you — she rubbed her face with her hand and turned more towards me — We've been friends for so many years, but I feel like I don't know you at all.

— What do you mean? — I looked at her confused

Of course she knows me. I am as I was. We spend enough time together that she knows me inside and out.

— Can't you see that something has changed in you? Already in the summer, before high school. Before, you were a happy girl, we sat on the couch eating pizza and watching horror movies. You generally spent time with us. Now the only thing on your mind is gym, football and these weird diets. And you don't smile.

And what was supposed to be good about this lazy lifestyle? It's better that I take care of myself now, I devote more time to studying and training.

— I smile a lot.

— No, you don’t.

She is lying. I smile most of the time.

— I do…

— No. You do it when it's necessary, appropriate, or something seriously amuses you. And you used to be smiling all the time.

— Well, we are not fourteen anymore.

— Right — she said and stood up — See you, Amber.

I just nodded and turned over onto my stomach to bury my face in the pillow. I don't know why I want to sleep so damn much. My black eye is still throbbing unpleasantly and my knuckles are burning. I'm afraid of what will happen if dad and Kate find out.

No. I’m more afraid about Jill. She'll start preaching morals, that I don’t want to hear.

I would like to forget about this whole situation. I'll go to sleep for a while, do my homework and go to the gym. This is a good plan. I'll cover my eye with makeup somehow, I'll keep my hand in my pocket, everything will be fine.

Chapter Text

~
Sometimes we struggle with something for years and when we think we have succeeded, fate laughs at us and sends it to us again.
~

I pulled myself together to finally go downstairs. I'm afraid of everyone's reaction to my beaten face. Well, that's not my style. I never got into any stupid fights, I used to keep my nerves under control. Today something inside me broke. Or it has been broken for a long time.

I'm calmer now, but I still feel this strange pressure in my chest. I'm just a little afraid of what will happen now. Will Frances report me to the police? Maybe to the school principal? I mean, she attacked me first, so I could have won. But it's better to have nothing on the papers.

I haven't turned on my phone since Mindy left. I don't want to read any messages. I need to think. I'll make myself a protein drink, sit in a chair and think it all over. I'd love to go to the gym, but my hand is still throbbing with pain. Same with my face. Since my adrenaline has worn off, the pain has been getting worse.

I entered the kitchen quietly, hoping I wouldn't meet anyone on the way. I took out what I needed, with my left hand of course, because my right hand can barely handle it. It's badly hurt, that's a fact. Not only after Frances, but also after the previous days. I'll have to wash and dress these little wounds.

I heard the doorbell ring and it froze me on the spot. I won't open the door for anyone in this state. And when Jill comes down, she'll come in and see me. Oh God...

— Hi Liv! What's up? — Jill greeted my friend and I felt relieved

I know I wanted to be alone, but I also know that Liv will make me feel much better.

— Nice to see you Jill! Where's Amber? I have to shout at her.

What?

— What happened? She again refused to go somewhere because she has to study?

— You don't know anything?!

I quickly grabbed my drink and ran out of the kitchen. Better for me to tell it than Liv. She'll add a few details of her own and it'll be a whole different story.

— Let's not be dramatic — I said as soon as I appeared in the corridor

Jill turned and looked at me, then her mouth fell open in shock. She's going to kill me.

— What the fuck? Who the fuck did this to you?! — she came up to me nervously and started checking my face

Then her gaze moved to my hand and her facial expression changed.

— Or what you did to someone? — she asked and looked into my eyes

Can beating someone up in a brutal manner still be called self-defense?

— Nothing.

— Nothing? — Liv asked and came closer — Amber, you ruined her face.

Why is she complaining about me?

— What?

Jill is clearly shocked that I could have beaten someone. I guess everyone is.

— Go to the couch and I'll bandage your hand.

— No need.

I don't want her to treat me like a child. I can handle it myself.

— I won't repeat myself.

When she's worried she acts like her mother. Of course Kate is much calmer, but both of them care very much about others.

— Okay.

I went into the living room with Liv and threw myself on the couch. I sighed deeply and then I realized that my friend was staring at me.

— What? — I asked confused

— Why did you do that?

— Oh my God...Why is everyone exaggerating so much?! Nothing tragic happened!

— Do you hear yourself? Of course it happened!

— She deserved it.

Liv just sighed and hid her face in her hands, devastated. I unscrewed the bottle and took a sip of the shake.

Everyone around is exaggerating. I didn't do anything wrong. I did what I had to. I showed Frances exactly where her place was.

— Emma texted me on IG. She wants to know how you feel.

— Tired.

— She gave me her number. You can tell her by yourself.

— Maybe later.

I can't concentrate on this right now. Obviously, it means a lot to me that she's interested in me, but I don't want to think about all that now. I don't want to talk about what happened there, I don't want to remember.

— The most important thing is that I won — I said to Liv

— What? — she asked and looked at me confused

— I won.

— Is that really all you care about?

— Is that true Amber? — Jill asked as she entered the room

— You won't get it — I just said and I squeezed myself more into the couch

Jill sat down next to me and put the first aid kit on the coffee table. She grabbed my wrist and put my hand on her knee. She started cleaning my wound and I clenched my teeth to keep from grimacing in pain. I will not show weakness.

— Does your face hurt? — my step sister asked

— A little. It's okay.

It's not.

— You should talk to this girl. Make sure she doesn't cause you any problems.

I looked at Jill and burst out laughing. Talk to Frances? After she just attacked me?

— I'm not going to talk to her. She's stupid.

— You sound like a five year old.

— Stop it, Jill.

— Do you have any remorse at all for this whole situation? — Liv asked and looked at me mad

— Of course I do. I missed classes...

— Oh my God! — my friend shouted and stood up — You've never beaten people up before, what's gotten into you?!

My blood pressure has gone up again. Why is he angry with me when I was the one who was attacked? If someone attacks me with a knife on the street, should I not react? Should I allow myself to be hurt? Are they all high and can't see reality?

— Why do you care about her so much?! We all hate her!

— I care about you, you idiot!

— I am fine!

I jumped off the couch so quickly that the bottle of hydrogen peroxide Jill was holding fell out of her hand.

— You're all picking on me today. I didn't kill anyone, why the outrage?! She'll end up with a few bruises and that's it. Just leave me the fuck alone!

I thought Liv's visit would help me. And she just made everything worse.

— Since when do you swear? — Jill asked and looked at me

— What the fuck? — I asked slowly, feeling even more mad than before — Who cares?! — I shouted

Is this really what matters now?

The girls exchanged glances in silence and I started laughing. This is so pathetic.

— You're fucking intervening on my behalf because of some stupid bitch who got punched in the face — I said through laughter

— Let me finish dressing — Jill said calmly.

But as soon as she got closer with the bandage, I hit it so hard that it flew across half the living room.

— Leave me alone.

— Okay, I'll give you space — Liv said — Just call me when you calm down.

— You too, Jill. I'm going to study — I said

— You better think about what you're going to tell parents if they see you — she told me and I rolled my eyes

— The truth. It was Frances who started it all.

I turned on my heel and went upstairs to my room. I sat down at the desk and opened the book. However, thousands of thoughts began to swirl in my head.

I read one sentence five times and still didn't understand its content.

My leg is shaking so much that it hits the desk making an irritating sound.

I feel stuck. And I don't even know why.

The last time I felt like this, was two years ago. It was an everyday situation.

Does a difficult past justify current actions?

I grabbed the phone, intending to call my dad. But when the screen turned on, something else caught my attention.

dwarf: we need to talk

Great...

I knocked the notebooks off the desk so hard they fell to the floor, making a lot of noise. I hit the desk with my injured hand and screamed in pain.

— Fuck!

I knelt on the floor to pick up the notebooks, but in the end I didn't pick up any of them. Less than ten seconds later, Jill appeared in my room.

— Amber — she said calmly and hugged me tightly — Do you want to lie down?

— Yes — I said quietly

Jill helped me up and led me to the bed. I lay down and she sat down next to me.

— Talk to me. Please.

She started making circles on my head with her fingers, which always calms me down somehow.

— I don't even know what to say. It's all fucked up. I don't feel like me anymore. Again. I...I don't know.

— You should go back to therapy.

No. They'll pump me full of drugs and that'll be it. Nothing will change.

— I'm sorry for what happened downstairs.

— It's okay. I'm not mad, I'm worried.

— I can't trust myself. I want to have everything under control and...

— And maybe that's the reason. You should relax sometimes, understand that mistakes are normal, that not everything will be perfect.

I didn't answer, I just closed my eyes. I don't want to think anymore today.

I'll get myself together. I have to.

...

Despite the wounds on my face and my bandaged hands, I decided to go to school. I can't miss classes because of situations like yesterday. Nothing happened that would make me have a reason to stay home today. I wasn't ready for dad and Kate to see me beaten up either. They went out for dinner yesterday and came back late. It saved me. I don't know how they would react and I don't want to find out.

But school didn't make me feel any better. I feel everyone's eyes on me. It confuses me, I wonder what they think. They're probably gossiping about me, they've formed a new opinion. It was to be expected. News travels fast in this school. Some are probably shocked, others impressed. They're probably joking about this.

But I'm not going to worry about it. It's not worth my time.

Same as talking to Tara. I still haven't replied to her message from yesterday. I don't know if I'll ever text her back.

— Oh God — I heard Emma and she immediately appeared next to me

She stopped me in front of the classroom door and grabbed my face. I looked into her eyes and licked my lips. I didn't expect her to be worried about me.

— Hi — I said

It's a strange feeling to have someone's hands on your face. I usually avoid it. But her hands are so gentle that it is even pleasant.

— How do you feel? — she asked, analyzing my black eye and cut lip

— I am alright. Don't worry — I replied with a smile

— You sure?

She let go of my cheeks, which were instantly filled with cold. I cleared my throat and nodded.

— Yeah. It's not a big deal.

I wonder what she thinks about all this. I wonder who she blames. Maybe both of us?

— I don't understand how this psychopath could attack you. It's obvious she had no chance with you.

My heart just jumped. I was filled with pride and arrogance.

— You think so?

— Of course — she smiled and I sighed — It's good that you're okay.

— Will you watch my game on Thursday?

I don't know why I even asked this question. Of course she will, she is a cheerleader.

God I feel so stupid.

— Someone has to cheer you on.

I felt a strange twinge in my chest.

— Nobody does it as well as you — I told Emma

— Weak pick-up line — Carpenter said as she appeared next to us — Even for you.

— What? I wasn't...— I felt the need to explain myself — I'm not queer.

— Don't worry I know — Emma said and shook her head laughing — And you, Tara, don't eavesdrop on others.

— Normally I would ignore her but since she beat up my girlfriend I should intervene — she glared at me with her angry gaze — I feel like killing you, Freeman. What the fuck were you thinking?!

— I'm not going to talk to you.

— Should I leave you two alone? — Emma asked me

— No.

— Yes — Tara said menacingly

— If you need anything, call me — the girl informed me and walked away down the corridor

Carpenter grabbed me by the shoulder and pushed me into the classroom. Several people looked our way and I felt ashamed that she managed to do something like that.

— What the fuck was that?! — she shouted at me

I felt anger rising inside me. Why the hell is she starting a public fight between us? She could have lectured me over the message.

— Frances attacked me! She asked for it herself.

Why doesn't anyone but Emma understand this?! Are they that dumb? Really?

— Are you fucking stupid or what? Didn't you see what you did to her?!

— I defended myself! — I shouted and I hit her chest with my finger

— Shut up! Beating someone to such a state is not self-defense. Have some self-control!

Chills ran down my spine. My breathing became heavier.

— I control myself better than all of you. Just go to your class. Do you think I'm interested in talking to you?

I turned to go to my desk, but Carpenter grabbed my hand and turned me around. I don't know if I'm more pissed off or stressed out. I don't want to talk to her.

— The thing is, Amber...I've always thought you were a mean bitch. But I never thought you were just a cruel person — I felt a slight pressure in my chest when Tara said that — And okay, we never liked each other blah blah blah, but now...— she laughed, but she wasn't amused at all — I look at you and all I feel is hatred.

I felt like my head was spinning. It was like everything was swirling around me and I couldn't move.

— So what? You won't answer? — Tara asked mad

— Just...go away.

I moved forward and left the classroom. I walked down the hallway trying to get a grip on myself. I don't know why but I couldn't.

— Are you okay? — Ethan asked when he saw me

— Yes, leave me alone — I replied and passed him by

— You can talk to me!

With a shaking hand I took out my phone and called Jill.

— What? — she asked

— Pick me up, please.

The corridor is full of people. I don't feel comfortable. Everyone is looking at me and I'm trying to escape it.

— What happened?

— Just...I don't know.

I need to find some empty space.

— I'm out of town right now...

— Never mind — I said and I hung up

Carpenter caught up with me and followed me into the restroom. What the else does she want?!

— You should at least apologize — she said as if it was obvious

I feel like I'm going to cry. Why did she follow me here? What is she trying to accomplish? Does she want to make me realize my mistake?

— You don't even love her — I said although I'm not sure

— It's not your business.

So she doesn't.

— So why are you getting so involved in this matter? Leave me alone — I said in a pleading tone — I need to be alone.

— She is my girlfriend. I need to...I don't know. Make you realize that you have to stay away from her.

I should stay away? That bitch is picking on me.

— Why are you in a relationship with her if you don't love her? I don't get you. I don't understand anything anymore.

— Don't make yourself a victim. Maybe my relationship isn't perfect, but I can't let you hurt her.

Nervously, I walked closer to Carpenter and looked into her eyes. Only now I saw what color they were. Dark brown. Even darker than mine.

— She attacked me! Don't you get it?! — I shouted — Your girlfriend attacked me with her fists! Okay, I was wrong to have messed her up like that, but fuck, understand that she started it!

— She said you attacked her — Tara said in a calmer tone

— Well she is lying!

I shrugged, already exhausted by all this. She doesn't have to believe me, I just want her to leave me alone.

I walked away from the girl and leaned against the wall. My head is throbbing unpleasantly. What is all this for? Could it get any worse?

— Why should I believe you and not her?

She came closer. She looks like she's already confused by all this.

— Because Frances is a fucking liar! — the girl rolled her eyes at my words — I've known her for years! Everyone has figured this out and you will fucking find out too!

The girl sighed heavily, then reached into her purse and pulled out a blister of pills. She swallowed one of them without drinking anything, as she usually does. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to calm down a bit. This is all so stupid. I argue with people with whom I really have nothing to do anymore. And why? Because neither side can let go.

— Why do you hate us so much? — Carpenter asked me

What the hell? She's the one who just said she hates me.

— 'Cause you two broke Mindy's heart. And she is my friend, so I yes, I am mad. And the best part is that Frances will do exactly the same to you! Because that's what she is, fucked up liar!

There's a silence between us again. The atmosphere seems even more tense than when we were shouting at each other. We look at each other, not knowing what to do next. I wish this whole war would end already.

— What happened to your hand? — she asked randomly

I looked at my fist wrapped in a bandage that was slightly soaked in blood. I shrugged and moved away from the wall. Why does she even ask if she knows?

— A lot — I replied briefly and dismissively, because I won't open up to her and explain myself

It went quiet again. The girl looks like she's thinking about something, and I, on the other hand, just want to get out of here. I would like to go home and lock myself in my room. At school everyone will stare at me judgmentally and question me. Mindy's attitude towards me isn't very helpful either.

— Freeman — Carpnter began and came closer to me to put her hand on my shoulder — Listen, I will be able to leave all this behind me as long as you apologize to Frances.

That just made me laugh. I pushed her hand off my shoulder and shook my head. What is she talking about?

— Me? — I asked in disbelief

— Yeah.

I looked at her with pity and smirked.

— Over my dead body, Carpenter.

She rolled her eyes in irritation and took her vape out of her pocket to hit it. I feel pathetic when someone blows grape smoke in my face during an argument, an important argument. But she's Tara Carpenter. I don't expect anything more from her.

— Freeman, come on. We have a project to do, we can't fight all the time!

— So tell your lovely girlfriend to leave me alone! Me and you are stuck with each other, she doesn't have to get involved.

— I mean...you're right, she...yeah cool.

— We have to do a project and we have to do it as best we can. Then we'll split up, we don't even have to look at each other. Alright?

— Deal — she said and she extended her hand towards me

I hesitated a bit, but then I grabbed it and shook it gently.

In the name of science.

Chapter Text

~
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You never know who will turn out to be a traitor.
~

To say dad and Kate were upset about my fight with Frances would be an understatement. I've never been yelled at like that in my life. I understand them, they were worried, angry, probably didn't know how to approach it at all, because no one expected that from me. I argued a bit with them, especially with dad. But I don't worry about it because I know their anger will pass. Nobody died, there's no need to make a fuss.

Today's match is more important. This is what I should focus my thoughts on. After I didn't score last time I have to try harder now. Much harder.

That's why I've been warming up for forty minutes now. I know that fifteen is enough, but I want to be sure that my body will give its all. I have to win, show how well I'm doing. Prove to everyone that this thing with Frances doesn't distract me, that I will win just like I won with her.

— Amber! — my coach called me — We need some tape, it should be in the glove box of my car. Can you go?

He threw me his keys before I could answer. I grabbed them in one hand and clenched my fist tightly around them. It still hurts. Honestly, it kind of bothers me in the game. Maybe the nurse can give me some painkillers. Nothing can distract me today.

— Sure — I replied even though I didn't feel like going to the parking lot

I left the pitch and slowly walked towards the parking lot.

I have to score a goal today. I want to prove to myself that I'm still the best. I'll prove it to everyone.

I looked around the parking lot looking for the coach's car. When I finally saw the old Opel, I headed towards it. When I got close, something else caught my attention. Frances and Carpenter are sitting in the car next to each other, kissing fiercely. They devour each other as if they hadn't seen each other for at least a year. I grimaced in disgust and walked closer to open the car door. However, when I opened the car with the key, the girls jumped away from each other because of the noise.

The keys fell out of my hand when I realized it wasn't Tara inside.

Frances quickly opened the door and got out as soon as she saw me. She seems to be terrified that I caught them.

— Freeman! What the fuck are you doing, stalking me?! — she called out walking towards me

— I don't care about you. Neither about you nor about your whores.

— You have to be silent, do you understand? Tara can't know.

What happened to loyalty? To feelings, dreams of a future together with someone? Okay, I don't play it myself, nor do I understand it, but at least I don't break people's hearts by cheating on them and making fools of them.

I looked again at the girl she was kissing a minute before.

Ew. She looks like she's been on a drug binge for a year and hasn't heard of anything called shampoo.

I don't think she goes to our school.

— Claire, baby go home by bus. Tara will finish her classes soon and come here, she can't see you.

She seriously won't even care about getting her home?

— Whatever — she replied as if she barely understood what was happening around her

— Do you seriously want to lose Carpenter over something like this? — I asked surprised

Okay I hate Carpenter but she's ten times prettier than this girl. Why would anyone want to risk losing a girl like that? Especially Frances, who will never meet a better one.

— I'm not losing Tara because you don't tell her anything, do you understand?

— Are you sure you want to threaten me again? — I asked and snorted — You are disgusting, what you do is even more disgusting. Jesus everything about you disgust me.

I opened the door and started looking for the tapes in the glove box. It'll be better if I take them and go.

— You have to keep quiet Freeman. I love Tara.

I put the tapes on the driver's seat and straightened up to face the girl.

— You don't love her. You don't know what love means. You have a complex. You are aware of how hopeless you are, but you can't change it, so you keep going. You know very well that you don't deserve anyone to love you.

Is this still about Frances?

— You don't deserve Tara — I added — I can see in her eyes that she is not happy with you.

— You know shit. You don't even know each other.

— But I know you. And I assure you, all you bring is pain and despair. There is not one good thing about you, Frances.

Her eyes filled with tears. Great. It was supposed to hurt.

I stepped back and reached into the car to grab the tapes. As I was reaching out, Frances grabbed the door and slammed my hand hard in it.

A sharp pain shot through my entire body, so much so that I screamed. I fell to the asphalt and grabbed my injured hand tightly with my other hand.

— What the fuck?! — I heard Carpenter and a moment later the girl was next to us

The dressing I had on immediately soaked through with blood. I leaned my head against the car and Tara crouched down next to me. I closed my eyes from the pain, trying not to cry.

This hand hurt enough already, now it's even worse.

— Are you okay? — Carpenter asked me

— Guess.

— Sorry. Can you move your fingers?

I opened my eyes and looked at my shaking hand. When I tried to bend my fingers, even more pain shot through me.

— I think so — I lied, not wanting to show weakness — Leave me alone. I have a game in thirty minutes. I need to go.

— I'll take you to the nurse.

Tara reached out her hand to help me up, but I ignored her. My eyes focused on Frances.

I'm gonna kill that slut.

— No! She won't let me play — I said

Excessive motivation can be very harmful.

— Frances what the fuck have you done?! — she shouted at her

— Me? She...she attacked me.

— You're fucking lying, I was standing a few meters away and saw everything!

— And did you notice that she was kissing another girl in the car just now?! — I asked calm, looking into girl's eyes

I'm not going to protect Frances, I hope Tara breaks up with her right now. She doesn't deserve to be with anyone.

— What?

Tara looks at me and then at her girlfriend, not believing my words. She looks like a million thoughts are running through her head. Frances didn't say a word. She is just standing there and staring at me full of hatred.

I leaned my healthy hand against the asphalt and stood up. I have to take the tapes.

— I'll help you with that — Tara said when I grabbed the handle of the car door

I don't understand why she wants to help me. She should now shout at Frances, end the relationship and go cry.

— Tara don't go with her, we were supposed to wait together for the game.

— I won't talk to you now. Leave me alone — she told her and then grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the school.

I followed the girl without any resistance.

My hand is throbbing, and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that everything is okay. Not even because of pain, just because of emotions, this irritation, this helplessness. Everything is falling apart for me because I drew the wrong number on the paper.

I don't know why I followed Tara to school, but I did. Maybe some part of me just really wants to see her reaction to all of this, to see her life fall apart.

She stopped only in the bathroom, where she placed my tapes on the windowsill and turned towards me.

— Can you play? — she asked as if she cared

— I have to.

I don't know how I'll manage, but I have to do great. I can't let everyone down.

— Do you think it's broken?

— I don't know.

— I have a bandage if you want it. We can change your dressing — Tara suggested

— Fine. Do you carry a first aid kit everywhere? — I asked and smirked

— Kinda.

She opened the door to the toilet stall so I went inside. I sat on the closed toilet and Tara locked the door. I felt uncomfortable being locked in such a small room with her.

She crouched down next to me and slowly began to remove my bloody bandage. I hissed in pain and quickly gritted my teeth.

— Sorry — she whispered

I looked down at her, watching as she gently unwrapped the bandage. It hurt, but I tried my best not to show it. She can't see me weak. No one can. But especially her.

When my hand was left without a bandage, she grabbed it from below and looked at it. She took hydrogen peroxide and sprayed it on my bloody cuts.

I closed my eyes from the pain.

Once she had cleaned everything up, she took a large plaster out of her bag and taped my hand. It hurt like hell.

The silence between us is irritating me a bit. This is just weird. There is no such thing as silence between us. There is always an argument.

She started wrapping my hand in a clean bandage. Carpenter is clearly skilled at this.

— Do you believe me? — I asked breaking the silence

She stood up and I looked at my hand. It should be better now.

— I have a fucking headache — she said stressed and started quickly rummaging through her bag looking for something

She ignored my question.

Finally she took the pill container out of her purse and took one.

— Painkillers? — I asked with hope

She looked at me confused as she swallowed the pill without any water.

— Yy...yeah.

— Can you give me one? Or two. I don't want to be distracted by pain.

She looked at the container as if she was thinking about something. Is it really such a pity for her to give me two?

— I'll pay you, I just can't go to the nurse and I don't have any others with me.

— Okay, take one — she said and held out the container to me

I nodded and took one. I swallowed the pill with difficulty, not having anything with me to wash it down with.

— Sorry about Frances — Tara apologized and looked at me — I know she was supposed to stay out of it.

I stood up, which made us very close to each other. Like never before.

— I swear, I will kill her one day — I said earnestly — Also I told you she'd cheat on you too.

She bit her lip and nodded.

— Let's not talk about it, I have to prepare for the performance.

— Right.

When I said it to her she quickly left the stall. I also went out and she was already standing at the exit door.

She's clearly avoiding the topic.

— Drink plenty of water — Carpenter told me

I looked at her confused a little. Since when is she into a healthy lifestyle?

— I always do — I told her

— Right.

After that she went out into the corridor and I took the tapes. I have to hurry up, the match is soon.

...

— Are you stressed? — Brit asked me, when we stood on the middle line to start the game

— What? — I asked and I bit my cheeks hard — I'm not. Why would I? What do you mean?

— Calm down. Your hands are just shaking a little.

— They're not — I replied and then a whistle blew

I passed to Brit and she played it backwards. I quickly got into position and watched what was happening around me.

Win.

Just win.

Liv and Chad are cheering me and Mindy on from the stands as always. Jill is with them, which is cute of her, because she came.

...

When I was just outside the penalty area, Veronica played a great pass to me, which I finished with a goal.

When the girl ran up to me and hugged me tightly, I hugged her back and lift her a little.

I did it. I scored. But I need to score more.

— Damn Freeman, you've already worked up a sweat — she laughed and patted me on the back

— Yeah, I know — I admitted

But it's strange that sweat is pouring off me so much because I don't feel any fatigue. I have a lot of energy.

Returning to my position, I walked closer to the line, right next to where the cheerleaders are sitting. I feel strangely proud.

— Amazing goal Amber — Emma said with a sweet tone

— For you — I said back and smirked

— Everything okay? — Tara intervened and my smile disappeared

I ignored her.

...

During the free kick break, I looked over at Tara sitting in the stands with the cheerleaders. She is staring straight at me, clearly stressed. Is it because of Frances?

Emma is holding our school team scarf in the air. Even though it made me happy in some way, I couldn't smile.

Because I have to score a goal. That's all that matters.

— Come on bitch! You're gonna finish it! — I heard Jill from the stands

What an idiot.

I stood in the running line and looked at the goal. When I got the signal, I ran and kicked.

And I scored a goal.

The girls immediately jumped at me, happy that we have the advantage.

— My girl! — Mindy shouted and kissed my forehead

When I didn't answer, she grabbed my cheek worriedly.

— Everything alright? — she asked

I don't feel as happy as I did less than ten minutes ago.

— Of course — I replied dryly — Come on, we have to score.

— It's three to zero. We can slow down a little.

— I can't. I need to score do you understand Minidy. I need to do better — I said damn fast

She grabbed my hand and turned me towards her.

— What is going on?

I broke free from her and slowly started to return to my position. I glanced at Emma, ​​but my eyes were more drawn to Tara, who looked as if she was about to faint.

...

During the break, I went down to the locker room and drank some water. I have to score at least one more goal.

— Amber talk to me — Mindy started

She came to me and took me aside, away from the girls.

— What's up Minds? — I asked and she looked at me shocked

— Weren't you mad at me?

What? We made up after that fight at my house. Everything is fine between us, what is her problem?

— Why would I be mad at you? — I laughed — You didn't do anything wrong.

— You ignored me when I tried to talk.

— I was just focused on game. That's all.

I picked up the unscrewed water bottle to take a sip and noticed how badly my hand was shaking. Mindy saw it too.

— It was an exhausting half of the match, wasn't it? — she asked and I looked at her suspiciously

Now she starts pretending that it didn't happen.

— No. I'm not tired. Not a little.

Mindy laughed but she looked more devastated.

— I see.

— What?

She came closer so only I could hear her.

— You're fucking doped up.

— What the fuck?! — I shouted at her — What the fuck are you talking about?!

— Come here — she said and pulled me by my shirt into the corridor — What the fuck did you take?!

— Nothing, get off me!

What is she talking about? What does she want from me? I would never touch drugs in my life. Fuck, I don't even drink alcohol.

— Be honest!

— Nothing Mindy! I would never do that, you know me!

For a moment I thought she understood, but I was wrong.

— Do I? — she asked calmly

— What is your problem?

She took out her phone and turned on the camera.

— Look at yourself. Your eyes, pale face. Your hand is shaking like a vibrator.

Okay, I know I look worse because of what's been going on lately, but I'm not high.

— I didn't take anything — I said slowly, feeling anger raising in me

— You know who you remind me of now?

— Who?! — I asked mad immediately

But then it hit me.

— Don't ever speak to me again — I told her and started walking away

— No Amber, listen. That's not what I meant, I just wanted to make you aware...

She caught up with me and blocked my way.

— Fuck off Mindy — I pushed her and went away

I walked through the locker room to got ready to go back out onto the pitch.

...

Because of this whole argument, I became a bit more aggressive. The opposing team is preparing for a free kick now. I accidentally kicked one girl and the referee whistled a foul. I started swearing loudly because of that and ended up with a yellow card.

And I was supposed to have a good match...

Everything is annoying me again. I saw that Jill just got up and left. I wonder what she had to do that was so important right now that she couldn't wait another twenty minutes until the end. She didn't stay to see how it went, and I was deluding myself that she would be here with me. No dad, no Kate. Mindy probably already told Chad and Liv something.

And I didn't do anything wrong.

At least Emma is still rooting for me. I looked at her with a small smile. But it quickly disappeared when Carpenter came into my field of vision.

My face dropped as it all hit me. It's not emotions, it's not my sick head. It's not me. She gave me a pill before the game. It was her.

Everything's clear now. She drugged me.

Chapter Text

~
Chip off the old block.
~

 

My participation in the match has become minimal. I can't concentrate because I keep thinking about what Carpenter did. My eyes, instead of on the ball, are constantly focused on the girl. I won't let her get away with this. Today, for a second in the toilet I felt that maybe she wasn't my enemy. But it was all an illusion. This pill, although it relieves the pain incredibly well, affects my behavior. And I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been in this state before.

I looked at the board and saw my number on it. Great. I just hope they didn't notice. They would kick me out of the team immediately.

— Amber...— Mindy started, but I raised my hand and waved her off

I don't want to talk to her. Not after what she said. Mindy hit too hard with those words. She didn't even let me explain, she accused me right away.

— You played amazingly that half, but I can see it's worn you out. Sit down, rest, you were great Freeman! — said the satisfied coach and patted me on the shoulder

I didn't sit on the bench though. I stood there and looked at Carpenter. She, on the other hand, had been staring at me already. She got up from her seat and started walking quickly towards me. I see fear on her face. Now she knows that I know.

As soon as she got close enough, I grabbed her arm and pulled her into the locker room.

— How do you feel? — she asked with a tone as if she were worried

I pushed her against the lockers and I leaned on it with my healthy hand. I stood so close to Carpenter that the tips of my cleats caught on the tips of her cheerleading shoes.

I looked her up and down, from her legs, over her exposed belly, to her cleavage, until I stopped at her dark eyes.

I'm furious but also completely confused. I don't understand what's happening in my body. I've never done drugs, smoked anything or even drank anything. I don't know how any substance can affect me.

— I hate you — I said sharply

— I know, Freeman. But I didn't know that...

— What?! — I shouted and hit the locker next to her head, that the girl closed her eyes in fear — You didn't know it was a bad idea to give me drugs?!

How can she be so stupid? Is she really trying to get revenge somehow?

— I'm sorry...I just...You thought it's a painkiller and it actually is a painkiller, but different.

— What is it even?! Huh?

— Relax, Freeman, it will be over soon.

I hit the locker again and backed away from Carpenter. I took a deep breath and sighed heavily. This is all beyond me. It's too much.

She shouldn't try to calm me down because it only irritates me more.

My gaze drifted back to her bare stomach. Why are high school cheerleading uniforms so revealing?

I felt a sudden flush of heat, so I started fanning myself with the collar of my shirt to soothe it.

There is a terrible mess in my head.

— What did you give me? — I asked slower and calmer — I just want to know.

I need to know. I keep feeling like my head is drifting off into nothingness and then suddenly coming back to reality. It's tiring.

I looked at the floor, waiting for the girl's answer.

— Tramal.

I felt even more sad than before. Even though I expected it, it's painful to know.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I don't want to cry, but I can't stop it.

I don't want to be like her. No. Never.

Tears started running down my cheeks.

— Fuck...Freeman I'm sorry — Carpenter said and got closer — It will end soon, don't worry. You just have to stay calm.

— Calm? — I asked and sniffed

I started wiping my tears from my face, which probably made it worse. I looked at my hand, bandaged by the same person who later fed me this crap.

I lifted my head a little higher and looked at the girl.

— I want to fucking kill you, I swear — I said, looking into her eyes

— I'm sorry. I know you hate this stuff after your...

— After what? — I asked mad

Frances probably told her everything about my life. She always talks too much. That's why I never trusted her completely. I had a feeling she might stab us all in the back.

— After one time, you'll be fine. I swear. Don't worry.

— Fine? Do I look fine to you?!

I stood in front of the girl and frowned. I'm more tired than angry. I just wish it would stop working already.

— It depends in what sense — she said

— Don't make fun of me now. I'm going home.

Before I could gather my things, Carpenter grabbed my hand and stopped me. I glared at the girl angrily. She's caused me enough trouble today.

— Are you sure that you can drive? — she asked

— I won't crash on such a short stretch of road.

I'm not going to another state, just home. 10 minutes and I can lie down in bed, rest and maybe even fall asleep, just to stop thinking.

— I'll go with you.

— What? — I asked indignantly — No.

I don't want her there. I don't want any meetings unrelated to our project.

— Yes. So that nothing stupid pops into your head.

— Says the one who brought me to this condition.

Carpenter sighed, and I realized we were still holding hands. I quickly removed my hand and crossed my arms. I looked at the bandage, which was red with blood again. I have to take care of this hand. I don't want to walk around in bandages all the time. Crazy Frances just had to slam it in the door and destroy everything that was slowly healing.

— At least your hand don't hurt and you were able to play. You did great.

— As always.

I opened the locker and took out my clothes. I put them on the bench in front of me and sighed. Carpenter doesn't seem to want to leave the locker room. I probably won't be able to ride my motorcycle home alone either. The pangs of conscience are eating her up.

I took off my shirt and threw it in my bag. I automatically focused my gaze on my stomach. I need to start training more. Lately I haven't had the energy to go to the gym because of everything that's been going on.

I ran my fingers through the still slightly visible muscles. My mind seemed to freeze every now and then. I dislike it more and more. At first I didn't feel bad, but now the fatigue is starting to take its toll on me, as if I were drifting away from reality.

I heard a clearing of the throat and turned to Tara, who quickly looked away from me. I took a clean T-shirt and put it on. I'm dreaming of a shower, but I want to leave now, so I'll take it only when I get home. For now, deodorant will have to suffice.

I grabbed the elastic band of my shorts, but hesitated to take them off. Do I really want to be in my underwear around Carpenter?

— Don't be shy — the girl said and laughed

— I'm not shy — I answered but a slight shiver ran down my spine

It's becoming more and more difficult for me to keep in touch.

— Yet...— she started and came closer to me — Taking off your shorts is uncomfortable for you.

She stuck her finger behind the elastic band and snapped it against my body. I looked up at the girl and smirked. Suddenly, she seemed more interesting than usual. It is all those drugs' fault.

— Weird — I commented

— Should I turn my back so you can take them off? — she asked and smile

— I'm not ashamed of my body, it's great. A joy for your eyes.

— But I guess the fact that I'm a lesbian is holding you back a bit.

— I don't care what you are. Seriously.

I grabbed my shorts and took them off to prove my point. Carpenter smiled and she looked up and down my legs. I grabbed my sweatpants and pulled them on. I don't have a problem with her looking, but I don't want to stand next to her in just underwear. Just a moment ago I was furious with her.

— You like it when people stare at you. Admire you...— she said and raised her eyebrows

I threw my football kit into my bag and sat down on the bench to take off my cleats.

— Everyone likes it — I answered and shrugged

I do like it. I won't try to hide it.

— I don't.

I looked at the girl and shook my head.

— You're a cheerleader. This speaks for itself.

— And as a cheerleader, I noticed how often you stare at us — Carpenter said and leaned her hand on the locker behind me — As if you were going to drool.

She said it right in my ear and I turned my head towards her, confused as to what she meant.

Her warm breath that hit my skin made me tense.

— I barely look at you — I said confidently and firmly

— I'm talking about Emma.

I moved away from her and put my feet into my regular shoes. She starts saying some made-up things. And for a while the conversation was even nice.

— Won't you say anything? — she asked

— There's nothing to say.

— Are you two hanging out? Is this some kind of secret relationship?

I felt warmth flow through my body and my stomach tightened a little. I just hope I don't throw up from taking this pill. Who knows what might happen to me after this?

— Carpenter, what makes you think I like girls? — I asked and laughed — Because I assure you, I don't, and if you're looking for solace after Frances, you won't find it in me.

— What? Never. I would probably prefer celibacy.

— Great. I'm going home, so...— I said and stood up

— I'm going with you. I told you before. I fucked up so I want to be sure you're safe.

— Okay.

I grabbed the helmet and handed it to the girl. She looked at me in surprise, but I ignored it. I slung my bag over my shoulder and headed for the door.

I let her do this because I don't feel like arguing. I want to get home as soon as possible.

However, when we left the building and headed towards the parking lot, we saw two police cars with sirens blaring. Sheriff Riley is standing and talking worriedly with some blonde woman in uniform. I've never seen her here before, and it's quite a small town. Maybe if she was facing us I would recognize her.

— What the hell happened? — Carpenter asked

As we approached my motorcycle, I noticed something covered in the road. Probably a body.

— Probably an accident on the road — I said

But then a stronger wind blew, and the black bag tilted slightly. My eyes widened in shock and I felt myself getting sick. She looks the same as she did less than two hours ago. She's just a little paler. The eyes, however, are as dead as before.

I looked away and leaned my healthy hand against the seat of the motorcycle. Carpenter looked at me and turned more towards me. But it was hard for me to look her in the eyes.

— You knew her? — she asked

Now she is a stranger to her, but if I tell her the truth, she won't be. But she should know.

— That's the girl Frances was with in the car.

— What the fuck? Are you sure?

She turned to look at the bag again, but it was  already covering the dead girl's face.

— Yeah.

— That's fucked up. I'm supposed to be going home and I come across the dead body of the girl who was banging my girlfriend. What a great day.

For a moment I even felt sorry for her, but I quickly remembered that it was Carpenter after all.

— Put on helmet and get in. We'll take a different route.

— Fine. Just drive slow, please — she said and put the helmet on her head

— Hey! — I heard a man's voice

I turned around and saw one policeman walking towards us. I haven't even managed to get on a motorcycle without a helmet yet, so what does he want from us?

— Yes? — I asked

I felt a little stressed when I saw him walking towards me. After all, I'm one of the people who saw her for the last time before she died.

— Do you know what time the match ends? — the policeman just asked

— About ten minutes — I said

— Alright. Thank you.

I watched him go and swallowed hard.

— Have you fastened your helmet? — I asked Carpenter and she shook her head

— I don't know how.

I sighed and turned to face the girl. I grabbed the helmet clasp and fastened it together. I looked through the visor at her terrified eyes.

— Scared? — I asked

— I've never ridden a motorcycle.

— It's not that bad. Just...— I started but didn't finish

I don't have any handles so she'll have to hold on to me.

— Just try not to fall — I said and got on a bike

As soon as I started, Carpenter grabbed my waist tightly. Maybe too tightly.

The sight of the corpse perked me up a bit. Despite this, it is difficult for me to drive without a helmet and in poor condition. But it's only a short distance.

I stopped at a light, next to the lane divider. I turned to Carpenter to make sure everything was okay. Then I heard a loud horn, and we both jumped. Frances pulled up next to us in her car, still honking. She rolled down the window and stuck her head out towards us. I looked at the light, hoping it had already changed so I could avoid a confrontation.

— Tara! Get off that bike right now! — she shouted — Come here, I can take you home.

— Leave me alone Frances! — the girl shouted back

The light changed, so I gave Frances the middle finger and screeched forward.

— What the fuck Amber slow down! — Tara screamed

— Don't worry!

Frances followed us, trying to catch up. Something in my head told me not to let her win this time either. Carpenter buried her whole body and face into my back, probably scared to death.

I sped up, trying to lose the car behind me. I hope she doesn't follow me to my house. I don't feel like talking to her anymore.

I felt a slight pain in my hand again as I gripped the handlebar tighter. The pill stops working. I turned my head quickly, but Frances was nowhere to be seen. Carpenter, on the other hand, is still holding on to me as if her life depended on it. Actually, that's how it is.

I drove past the gate to the house and slowly stopped. I turned off the engine and put the motorcycle on the kickstand.

I got off the seat quickly and looked at the girl. All shaken, she jumped off the motorcycle that was too high for her and immediately grabbed the buckle of her helmet. She started struggling with it because she couldn't manage to unbutton it.

— Hey — I started, but she pushed my hands away

— Stop it — she said mad

— Let me do it.

I grabbed the buckle and quickly unfastened it. Carpenter took off her helmet and immediately tossed it into my hands.

— What the hell was that?! — she shouted — Do you know how much you scared me?!

— Don't be dramatic — I said and shrugged — We are fine.

— You could have killed us! Who the hell drives that fast when they're on drugs?!

— You had a helmet!

— Amber? — I heard Kate's voice

I turned to the woman walking towards us. I immediately felt faint from the stress of what she might have heard.

— What is going on? — she asked me

— Nothing — I replied and looked at Carpenter

— Amber — Kate started calmer and shook her head — You are very pale. And your hand is bleeding again.

— It's nothing.

I want to sink into the ground. It's seriously too much for me lately.

— I heard what your friend said.

— We're not friends — we both said at the same time

— Say goodbye and come home. We need to talk — Kate told me and walked away

Great. Now I have a big problem.

— See you tomorrow — Carpenter said — I'll try to prepare something for the project today.

I didn't answer her, angry that she had gotten me into trouble again.

I just nodded and headed towards the door of the house. Kate will kill me when she sees that I actually took something. I can't let her.

— Freeman! — I heard Carpenter as I grabbed the handle — I'm sorry. For everything that happened today.

I looked at the girl, feeling incredibly uncomfortable that she was apologizing to me.

— I'm sorry that I scared you — I said

She nodded and turned to walk ahead, probably to the bus stop. I opened the door to the house and went inside. Kate was already standing in the hallway with her arms crossed.

She came up to me and looked into my eyes. I looked away in shame and fear.

— I'm disappointed in you — she said — I really am. We'll talk later. I'll take you to the doctor about this hand.

I passed her without a word and went to my room. I'm also disappointed. I have no idea what happened to me. It's not me.

It's not about the pill, because it's not my fault, but about everything in general. I've fallen into some strange spiral of failure and lack of control that I can't get out of. It is like my life is suddenly being controlled by everyone else but me. And I hate it. How much longer will all this last?

Chapter Text

~~~
Feelings that are deep inside people will find their way out, no matter how hard they try to stop them.
~~~

 

I lie exhausted on my bed, trying to study biology in case the teacher wants to quiz someone. But nothing comes to my mind and the letters get mixed up. In this state everything is hopeless. For a moment, as I was speeding away from Frances on my motorcycle, I felt fine, my adrenaline was pumping. But now that everything's calmed down, I feel like jumping off the balcony. I didn't even go down to the kitchen or the living room because I was ashamed to look at Kate. I heard Jill was back but she went straight to her room. Maybe it's better this way. I don't want them to see me like this.

My phone rang, and I glanced at the screen. Chad? If he's trying to drag me to some post-game party, he's not going to succeed.

— Yes? — I asked as I picked up a call

— Amber, it’s me — I heard Mindy

I'm not even angry at her anymore. All my emotions have drained away, and only shame remains.

— What do you want? — I asked her and turned on my back

— I’m sorry for what I said. I shouldn’t it was wrong. Instead of asking what happened and helping somehow, I only made it worse.

I felt a little relieved that she said that.

— No, you were right. I’m just like my mother. I see it now — I said and my heart skipped a beat

— You’re not. But what happened Amber? Why?

If only it were all my fault. I partly got myself into all this, but on the other hand I had absolutely no influence on it.

— I don’t want to talk about it right now. Kate found out, she’s mad. I’ll explain everything but…some other day.

— Okay, I’ll wait. I love you, it'll be all right. Remember that in case of any emergency, we are all here.

— I know Minds.

I heard a knock on the door, and a second later Kate entered the room.

— I need to hang up now. Bye — I told the girl and put my phone away

Kate walked over shaking her head.

— Get ready, we're going to the doctor to get your hand bandaged properly.

I sat on the bed and bit my lip. I really feel bad about all of this.

— I don’t want to — I said

— Amber. Don't make your situation worse — Kate ran her hand over her face — You have no idea how angry and upset I am after hearing this. I…I can’t believe what I heard. You took drugs. And if that wasn't enough, you were driving way too fast in this condition!

I had to run away from Frances, she would make another row and I would have even bigger problems.

— I’m sorry. But you don’t know everything, it’s not like I could stop it. I thought it was a painkiller, I didn’t know Kate, I swear.

— So what was it? — Kate asked with a calmer tone

— Tramal…or something, I don’t know, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

I feel desperate. I really don't want Kate to be mad at me. I never wanted to disappoint her.

— Don't apologize, I don't even want to hear it. And get up, we're going to the doctor.

I got out of bed, and Kate came over and grabbed my wrist. She lifted it to examine the bandage. She slowly began to remove it and looked at me worriedly. My hand is all bruised and there's a cut on it where Frances crushed it under the door.

I want to finally heal it. I can't let this affect my game.

— It didn't fucking look like that, Amber — she said angrily — Were you fighting again? What did you do?

Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized what a shitty situation I was in.

— Frances slammed it in the car door.

— What?!

— Why are you screaming what is going on? — Jill asked as she entered my room

— Jill leave us alone — Kate said

— But what happened to your hand again?

— Jill, please not now! — Kate shouted, even more nervous — Amber, go to the car. And don't think you'll miss the conversation. You will tell me everything.

I started walking forward, and when I was already at the door, Jill stopped me by putting her hand on my shoulder.

— What have you done? — she asked

I looked at the floor, but my attention was more drawn to the tiny red spots on her beige turtleneck. I passed her without a word and headed down the stairs to go to Kate's car. She got in about two minutes later and drove off immediately.

— Why did this girl attack you again?

I hesitated for a moment and swallowed hard. I know I've already lost her trust. Probably just like everyone else’s around me.

— Because I caught her cheating on Tara with some girl today. But that chick was lying dead on the road in front of the school about two hours later, so I guess that's the end of an affair. Problem solved.

— What? — Kate asked and looked at me shocked

It all flew out of me so suddenly. I didn't feel any relief, though, because saying it wouldn't help me at all. It might just make things harder.

— Also I only got high because I saw my friend taking some pills and I thought they were painkillers.

I knew Carpenter only had partying on her mind, but I didn't think she was even high at school.

— I wouldn't swallow it if I knew the truth. And then I was driving so fast because Frances started chasing me in her car while I was driving her girlfriend. She’s psycho.

— Oh my…

— And I am really tired Kate — I said louder and interrupted her — And I'm sure it's already obvious. I'm working on an important project with a girl I hate, her girlfriend is taking revenge on me for God knows what, and on top of that, I spent half the day high, even though it disgusts me, and I really don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like smashing something.

— Amber…

— But I did great at the game today so I guess dad will be satisfied.

I know she was probably a bit stunned, she probably didn't expect something like that.

— Why don't you ever tell us anything? Jill said you've been a little different lately...

— Maybe I wasn't just being different, but being myself — I bit the inside of my cheeks for a few seconds — Aggressive and out of sorts. Maybe I should start taking handfuls of meds just like my mother because I will definitely never be as successful as my dad!

I leaned my head against the window, hoping Kate wouldn't say anything to me. But Kate is not my dad, she is interested in me, not in what I have achieved.

— If you need to see a psychologist, let me know. I'll find the best one. And if not, let me know if something is happening. Even that this girl keeps attacking you. I would always help you, you know that.

Kate's voice cracked a little. Now I feel guilty that she's crying because of me.

— You are my child, you know that I will always be with you, no matter how bad it gets.

I quickly turned my head towards her. Now I feel like crying too.

— I’m sorry — I just said

I don't think I have anything more to add.

My phone's screen turned on because I received a notification. A few, but I didn't pay attention to them because I was busy talking to Kate. It was more of a confession than a conversation.

Liv: girl you heard about the body????
Liv: sick
Liv: the chick just bled out on the road

Me: Was she hit by a car?

Liv: NO
Liv: she was stabbed many times

Me: What?
Me: Are you kidding?

Liv: NO BITCH
Liv: im serious
Liv: btw are you coming to the forest?

I have nothing to celebrate today.

Me: We’ll talk later, I’m at the doctor

Liv: what? why?

I didn't reply to her because I prefer to tell her everything calmly when I have time. It will be better this way. Kate and I walked into the waiting room and sat down in the chairs next to each other. It's been quiet between us, she probably has a lot to think about.

dwarf: hoe yu feel

Me: ?

dwarf: ar u ok!
dwarf: ?

Me: Learn to write Carpenter.

dwarf: :/

What is she doing? Why is she textingme drunk? Okay, she found out that the girl was cheating on her, but it was Frances. It's no loss. No need to drink.

My phone vibrated again so I looked at the screen.

dwarf: sup

I raised my eyebrows and shook my head slightly.

Me: I'm at the doctor's to have my hand bandaged.

dwarf: ok
dwarf: i at the party

Me: I deduced

— Is some guy chatting you up? — Kate asked with a smile

She probably wants to lighten the mood a bit.

— No, it’s…just a friend.

— I haven't heard about Ethan for a long time.

— It didn’t work out — I said and sighed —Yeah. But I’m going to his birthday next week. Unless I'm grounded...— I looked at Kate because I’m not sure

— You’re not grounded Amber. I’m just worried. I want us to talk more, not to punish you.

Emma: heyy will you come to the party today?
Emma: you were amazing today btw

My heart leapt into my throat. Especially today, when I'm not sure if they'll let me leave the house... Maybe Jill could help me get there. Just for a moment. It's probably even better for my head to go and be with friends than to stare at the ceiling and think.

…

— You’re a bitch — Jill said when she realized she drove me to a party and not to meet Liv and Mindy

I had to lie because I wanted to appear for a moment. Carpenter is bothering me with her messages, so maybe when she sees me in person she'll remember she hates me and leave me alone. Also my friends and Emma wanted me to come. Maybe this is what I need today.

— And would you drive me there if I told you the truth? — I asked

She looked at me with a serious face and now I’m afraid she is going to take me back home.

— It’s not about it — Jill said and shook her head — I just can’t believe you didn’t ask me to come. I’m much funnier than half of these people.

— You’re too old for us — I told her — Call me when you will be coming back from Sam.

— Alright. Have fun and be safe.

I nodded and got out of the car.

— Wait! — she screamed and opened the car door — Don’t get pregnant!

I rolled my eyes and walked away, ignoring that comment.

— Amber! — Liv she squealed and ran to hug me — How's your hand?

— Better now.

— You played amazing! — Chad said and hugged me

I tried to find Mindy by sight but she was nowhere to be found.

— Where’s Minds?

— We have no idea — Liv told me — Maybe she's hitting on some cheerleader.

— Of course. What else can Mindy do after a drop of alcohol lands on her tongue — I said and laughed

— Freeman you came! — I heard Carpenter's voice getting tangled

— What do you want from her? — Liv asked mad

It's good that she doesn't know what that girl did to me before the match. Liv would kill her.

— I’m glad you’re okay — Carpenter said to me, totally ignoring Liv

— Why wouldn’t she be okay? — my best friend got confused

— It’s between us — the girl answered her — Don’t interfere.

— Tara! — I heard Frances and immediately my body froze — There you are, baby. Please talk to me.

— No. Go away, Fran — Carpenter said

— Come to my car and fucking talk to me! We won't break up over such trifle.

— What the hell happened? — Liv asked me

— The three of you need to stay out of this. Especially you, Amber. You think I don't see what the fuck is going on here?

— What do you mean? — I asked

— Leave her alone. I don’t want you anymore Frances! There’s plenty of girls that will treat me better than you ever did.

— And Freeman is one of them? — Frances asked

— What?! — Chad and Liv shouted at the same time and looked at me shocked

— What? I…I don’t know what she’s talking about.

— Yeah, you’re so dumb Fran — Tara said — You cheated on me and still you try to put blame on Freeman.

— What the hell when did she cheat? — Liv asked me immediately

I see that Liv and I have a lot to catch up on.

— Okay girls, — Chad started — let’s go to have a drink and…just leave them to talk alone.

— We have nothing to talk about — Tara interjected and took a hip flask out of her jacket

She shook it with a smile, then turned her back to Frances, gave her the finger, and walked deeper into the forest.

— If she doesn't come back to me, you'll regret it bitterly, Amber. I swear to you.

— Yeah, yeah...fuck off, you nymphomaniac. We're here to celebrate how amazing Amber played today, not to hear about how you can't keep your fingers in just one pussy, because we already knew that! — Liv shouted at her and then turned around and walked away into the middle of the party

Frances stopped dead in her tracks and her mouth fell open slightly in shock. I turned around, laughed and pulled Chad along so we could catch up with Liv. I love this girl.

…

Even though I was trying to have fun, I was haunted by the thought that Carpenter had gone off drinking. The forest where these kinds of events always take place has a large circle cut out which is not so deep from the exit. It is safest here and it is better not to go far away from the group, especially alone. It's true that there are no wolves or other dangerous animals here, but you never know who or what you might meet. Especially now, if it's true that that girl was stabbed, it's even more scary to walk alone. She was killed in the middle of the road in front of the school, so what could happen to us in the forest?

I started to get terribly stressed because of this thought. Carpenter is as drunk as ever. She shouldn’t be alone.

I got up from the tree log that serves as our bench. Liv quickly grabbed my hand.

— Hey, where are you going? — she asked

— I need to pee — I lied and I don’t really understand why

— Want me to go with you?

— No, you don’t have to. You better keep an eye on Mindy — I said and smirked — I'm afraid she's about to start kissing that log.

Liv and I looked at our friend sleeping on one of the logs, covered with Chad's jacket. She got incredibly drunk and avoided me all evening. I don’t know why. I thought we were good.

— Okay, I’ll be right back — I told them and went away

It's not as bright as before, so it's stressing me out a bit. But if she gets lost somewhere in the forest, I will feel guilty.

— Carpenter? — I said, hoping she will hear me — Carpenter — I repeated

No answer.

I took out my phone and called her number. Still nothing.

— You’re looking for Tara? — I heard Emma’s voice

I turned to her and nodded.

She's dressed in her cheerleader uniform and leaning against a tree, looking at me. The rays of the slowly setting sun break through the trees and fall on her face.

We are a bit far from the rest. Whenever we talked before, we were surrounded by people but here we are all alone.

— I saw you coming here, so I decided to accompany you.

— I’m just a little worried about her — I said honestly

I'd rather know that everything is fine with her.

— I thought you hate her — Emma said and frowned

— I…I don’t like her, that’s true but she was so drunk and…

Despite how terribly she behaved today, I can't stay angry. I don’t know why. I guess I just don't want to feel so many negative things anymore. I should focus on what's good.

— She’s probably gone. She came here with Anika and she already left too, so.

— Oh, okay — I said relieved — That’s good. I was afraid I will have to carry her to her house.

— Would you? — she asked and I blinked a few times, not understanding whether Emma was surprised or thought I was joking.

— If she would need it then…yeah. I guess.

I put my hands in the pockets of my jeans and looked at the ground. I would probably be more talkative if it weren't for all the events today.

— You have a good heart, Amber — Emma told me

The girl pushed herself away from the tree and walked over to stand in front of me. She grabbed the collar of my motorcycle jacket and straightened it slightly. I looked her in the eyes confused a little.

— I like this about you — she continues — You’re a nice person.

— Most people have recently changed their minds about this. I don’t blame them.

I shrugged and Emma tilted her head slightly to the side. The smell of alcohol on her doesn't bother me. When it mixes with her perfume, it's even nice.

— And I was impressed by all of this. You’re tough — she said and smirked

— Thanks…I think.

She let go of my collar and straightened up.

— I forgot my hairbrush in my friend's car earlier. Will you go with me to get it? — the girl asked

— Sure. Yeah. Lead the way — I agreed and stuck out my hand, letting go of her first

As soon as we got to the car, Emma opened the back door and got in. I leaned against the car, waiting patiently. After about a minute, the girl leaned out of the car, so I turned my head towards her.

— Get in for a moment.

Why? I have no idea.

— Okay.

I got into the car and closed the door behind me.

— Are you enjoying the party? You're the reason we're celebrating.

— You know I’m not really a party person. But it’s fine. I think I needed it.

— Tough day? — she asked

— It seems so, but…very helpful. It opened my eyes to many things.

— You know…I’m not an expert but I think I know a good way to make this day better.

— Yes? I’ll take it.

Emma moved closer to me on the seats and smirked. She put her hand on my thigh and started drawing circles on it with her finger. I tensed up under her touch. Suddenly she started moving her hand higher until she placed it on my crotch.

— Emma…— I started but she quickly covered my mouth with a kiss

At first, I was shocked and completely terrified by what was happening. But after a while, her lips on mine stopped bothering me. I felt nice. I started kissing back, wanting more and more. With my left hand I grabbed the girl by the waist and pulled her closer.

I'm kissing Emma Duval. A walking perfection.

We pulled away from each other, I was in shock, Emma was smiling as if what was happening wasn't strange to her.

— I'm graduating in a few months — she said — I was afraid I wouldn't have another chance to kiss you.

— I didn’t know you liked g…— i tried to say but the girl put her finger on my lips

— Let's not bring this up. Come here.

She kissed me again and pressed her hand harder against my crotch. On the one hand, I am terribly scared of what is happening, but on the other hand, I don’t want it to end. I feel good. Her touch…it’s doing something to me.

She started moving her fingers, hitting my clit with them, which was driving me crazy. For a moment I even thought that I wanted her to put her hand in my underwear, but I quickly came back to reality.

We are in the parking lot at the entrance to the forest, where someone from the school can see us at any moment.

— Wait, Emma — I broke the kiss and looked at the girl — Somebody can see us.

— They’re all drunk. If you scared, we don’t have to go any further…— she said and then started moving her fingers between my legs again — but trust, you would like it.

— I already like it — I choked out, trying not to whine

Emma grabbed the button of my pants and unbuttoned it. Chills ran through my whole body. I've never been in this situation with anyone. Especially not with a girl.

Just as she was about to put her hand in my underwear, my phone started ringing.

— I’m sorry, it’s my sister — I said and then realized that Jill had just pulled into the parking lot — I have to go.

My hands are shaking with stress, more than when I played my first match. Emma is a girl.

— Fine. Just don’t tell anyone about that, okay? — she asked

I nodded and started thinking if I should kiss her for goodbye or something but I decided not to. She wasn't willing to do it either.

— Amber — she said as I opened the door — Come to the Ethan’s party. I’ll be there. We can go later to my house.

I opened my mouth slightly, totally confused.

— Fine.

I quickly got out of the car and started walking towards Jill's car.

— Hey! — I heard Liv — Where were you? Jill called me, I’m going home with you. Chad and Minds are going with their mom.

— I was…

Suddenly Liv laughed loudly, looking down.

— You didn't button your pants after peeing — she said

— Oh. Right. I’m an idiot — I said and laughed nervously

I fastened them quickly and for a moment I felt like Liv knew. But that's obviously not true, because how would she know?

— Are you fucking coming or you sleep in this forest?! — Jill shouted from the car

— We’re coming! Shut up — I shouted back

As soon as I closed the door behind me, I tensed up. I feel like I'd done something terrible, unforgivable. Should I feel that way?

I just tried to see what it's like. I don’t like girls. It’s a party and this is what people do at the party. I have nothing to worry about. Nothing’s changed.

Chapter Text

I sat down at the desk next to Liv, and Mindy immediately turned to us. For the next two days after the match, our relationship was awkward. Mindy wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her until I texted her directly last night.

— You look rested even though you didn't sleep until at least three — she said to me — How?

— Since when do you stay up so late? — Liv asked, surprised

I looked at them confused and shrugged. I couldn't tell them I think about my situation with Emma all day and night. I haven't seen her since then because she doesn't show up at school. Yesterday after the gym I was thinking about going to the bar where she works, but I gave up on that idea. I wouldn't even know what to say to her. I'm in a huge dilemma. I don't know if I liked that kiss or if it was just a distraction from my problems.

— I had to do some catching up on the project — I lied

Carpenter was the last one to do this a few days ago, and now we're not even touching on it.

— Fuck, I haven't even started — Mindy told us and laughed — And you, Liv?

— I just have to sign.

— Fortune favours fools — the girl answered her

I didn't comment on their words, I just focused on taking out the things I needed.

— What are you doing? We have a test today — Liv informed me

— What?! — I almost shouted in disbelief

Did I just forget about the test? It didn’t happened once since class eight. What the hell is going on with me?

— You'll manage anyway, you always know everything ahead — Mindy tried to calm me down but it didn’t work out

I used to. Now I barely know what day is today. I've been focusing on the wrong things lately and now I'm facing the consequences.

— You know I can't concentrate on school lately — I said and ran my hand over my face

— We don’t, because you’re not telling us anything — Liv she reminded me, which only made me feel worse

I know I've been hiding a lot from her lately, but there really wasn't anything to brag about. I didn't want to tell the story because I didn't want to remember many situations.

— Freeman! — I heard Carpenter and turned my head to her

Mindy sighed heavily and Liv started tapping her nails on the desk as if she was ready to attack the girl with them.

She came up to us and stood right next to me. I looked at her, confused about what she could want from me and surprised that she even showed up at school in the morning. She’s having a hard time with the breakup with Frances and it’s visible. Carpenter has dark circles under her eyes, her hair is unwashed, and she's even slower than ever.

— Teacher asked me about you — she said in a tone as if she didn't know what she wanted to say

— What?

Why would any teacher ask her about me? We don’t even… well, we've been talking a lot lately, but why did she choose her?

— Mrs. Marshall wants to talk to you. I don't know, she caught me…asked what were we doing after you left the pitch and… stuff.

My eyes widened in shock and Mindy looked at me suspiciously. If she asks what we did after the match then…She either knows about this pill or it's about the dead girl.

I swallowed hard, a little stressed. I don't know which option is worse. I grabbed my phone and automatically entered into a conversation with Jill. However, I didn't text anything and just turned off the phone again.

— Are you stoned? — Liv asked the girl

I looked at Carpenter quickly, nervous as never before. Did she talk to the teacher high?

— No — Carpenter answered but she doesn’t sound truthful

— I'll talk to Mrs. Marshall during the break — I told her

— No — Carpenter said again — She wants to talk now.

— Fine. I’ll find her. What did you tell her?

She made a face as if she was thinking. But nothing came out of her mouth. Liv and Mindy started making faces at each other and laughing, but I wasn't amused. I want to know what the obviously not sober Carpenter told the teacher about us.

— Carpenter seems to be getting into the theme of her project. Place her in the center as a showpiece — Mindy said to me and Liv laughed out loud

— It’s not funny — I told them and stood up — Come with me — I took Tara's hand and wanted to leave the classroom but she protested

I stood in front of her, completely irritated, and squeezed her hand tighter.

— Amber... I want to sit down and put my head on the desk.

— Since when do you call her by name? — Liv asked confused

— What the hell is wrong with you? — I asked Carpenter and looked her in the eyes — You'll only cause yourself problems. Go home.

There aren't many people in the classroom yet, but I said it quietly anyway.

— I can’t.

— Why?

I didn't get an answer to my question. I don't know what I expected.

— Here you are, Amber — Mrs. Marshall said

I turned to her and quickly released Carpenter's hand.

— I'm taking you from this lesson. I want to talk to you.

— Sure — I said — I’ll pack myself.

— Good, I'll be waiting in the teachers' room.

As soon as she left the room, I turned to my friends. By this time, Carpenter had already moved away to sit at her desk at the end of the room. I’m scared that if they found out she's high, they'll start suspecting me too.

— Liv, go sit in the back with her and make sure she doesn't do anything — I said

— What? — my friend asked and looked at Mindy and then at me as if I had said the stupidest thing in the world — No! I’m not going to sit with her. She betrayed us, Amber, don’t forget that.

— Frances, not Tara — I corrected her

I know, Carpenter is also terrible, but Frances is much worse.

— But she knew Frances was with me. Don't defend her — Mindy said annoyed

Now she'll be mad at me, great.

— And why do you also call her by her name? — Liv asked me the same question that she asked Carpenter few minutes ago

— I’m not defending her, I’m the last person to do this, okay? — I answered and showed them my right hand to remind them — It's just that if they catch her, they'll catch me too. Unless they already did.

— You took drugs? — Liv asked and I realized I never told her about it

I looked around the room to make sure no one had heard it.

— I’ll explain later, just sit with her, please.

— Fine. I don't know anything for the test, so at least I'll laugh at her.

— Thank you — I said and grabbed my things to leave the classroom

…

Mrs. Marshall opened the door to the teachers' room for me. This is the first time I've seen this room from the inside. Everything here is in shades of green and black, just like the entire school. It's not a small space. Besides numerous tables and chairs, there are also sofas and a place where they can prepare their lunch. I stood uncertainly in the middle of the room, not quite knowing how to react in this situation. I feel like I'm being punished for something. Teachers never brought me in for “the talk” unless they wanted to praise me for something.

Now they have no reason to do it.

— Sit here — she said calmly and she pointed to the sofa

Mrs. Marshall sat down in the armchair and looked at me with a little smile. I sat down in front of her and crossed my arms. I don't feel confident at all when I don't understand what's going on. The lack of control over the situation throws me off balance.

— You played great at the last match, Amber.

She’s trying to please me to get something out of me. I'm sure.

— Th…thank you — I said hesitantly

— Why didn't you stay to celebrate with the team? — she asked

I don’t understand why she’s asking me about that. Who cares what was I doing after I left?

— Did you see anything strange that day?

— Why? — I asked, avoiding the answer

Most of the time I was drugged, I was in my own world, programmed to play football and hate Tara Carpenter. But I can’t tell her that.

— You must have heard that someone killed a girl near the school.

So that's what she wants. She thinks that since I finished the match earlier I will know more? I was focused on something else that time.

— Yes, but why are you asking me questions? — I asked her and shifted on the couch, irritated

She sighed and spread her arms. Did she think I'd just tell her everything without explanation?

— We have been talking to students for a few days now, we want to know if anyone saw anything, we cannot allow something like this to happen near the school.

— I haven’t seen anything — I said it simply and clearly — I was in the locker room and then I went straight to home. Besides, you probably have it on camera.

It makes me sick to think that someone was murdered not so far from me. I don't feel like talking about this topic, it's enough that I hear about it every day at home, on the radio and on TV.

— We checked. You knew this girl, right? We saw the three of you arguing.

I blinked my eyes faster and opened my mouth slightly. Does she suspect me?

I felt my whole body getting hot and I immediately started scratch the back of my head with my fingers.

— We weren’t…— I started but hesitated — I was talking with Frances, not her. I don’t even know her name.

— The recording also shows what Frances did to you — she pointed at my bandaged hand — What were you arguing about?

I frowned and looked at the woman, biting my cheeks.

— It’s personal — I just said

I placed both hands on the couch on either side of my thighs so as not to look stressed by playing with them.

— Amber…— the woman leaned slightly towards me and looked deeply into my eyes — you’re a smart girl. Just tell me what happened so we all can be calm.

— Calm — I repeated and looked at the ceiling— Are you accusing me of something?

I looked back at her and raised one eyebrow. I don't want such accusations made against me. Nor do I want to be questioned without my parents present and consent.

— What? No, Amber I didn’t mean that. Everyone knows that you deal with some things lately…

— No…no! — I raised my voice at her and put my hand into fist — It’s my personal life…

— It’s not when you beat other students at school parking — she said so seriously that it sounded like a threat

So they know. Now the question remains why she suddenly reminds me of this.

I looked at my bandaged hand. It barely hurts anymore. Two more days and it'll be as good as new. Well, except for the looks. The cut will definitely leave a scar.

— You are our best student and player, we pretend that that situation didn't happen but...

— Frances started it all — I interjected and stood up

She's driving me crazy. She reminds me of everything I've been trying to forget for the past two days, to feel better and not hurt anyone. And now all I feel is this tightness in my chest, slightly blurred vision, and tingling in my fingers.

— I know…please sit down — she told me but I ignored her — I want to help you and I want you to tell me if there’s something else.

— I haven’t seen anything after the game, I swear — I said dryly, wanting her to see that I despise her

She can't mess with my head.

— And during the game? Somebody left suddenly? — she asked and I looked at the floor

I wasn't focusing on the stands. I remember Liv and Chad were there. Jill too, she was sitting next to them...and she left during the game.

I swallowed and looked back at the woman.

— I didn’t see — I lied — I don’t know if someone left.

— Okay. And about Tara Carpenter…

I want to die.

— …you were together all the time?

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes for two seconds.

— Yes. She came back with me to my house but then we split.

I crossed my arms and stared at the wall. I hate this conversation. She clearly accused me of knowing or doing something. She can't ask me about it. This wasn't something that happened at school; that girl died on the road next to it. That's what the police are for, not the IT teacher.

I need to know what Carpenter told her.

— Okay. I think that’s all I wanted to know.

— Great! — I said sharply and headed for the door

— Don’t be mad at me — she said as I I grabbed the door handle — I see it in your eyes.

I ignored her and left the room. When I had walked further away from the teachers' lounge, I stopped and leaned against the wall. I sighed heavily and covered my face with my hands. I don't want to be nervous anymore. I want to control my emotions again. And ideally, I want to function completely without them. Everything would be much simpler then.

I looked at my phone to check how much time was left. There's no point in going back for another fifteen minutes. I walked forward towards the exit to the stands by the pitch. I sat in the third row and hid my face in my hands. I'm so damn exhausted from all of this.

Emma hasn't spoken to me once since she kissed me. I don't know if I did something wrong or if she just doesn't want to. She wasn't at school either. Or maybe she's at home, lays sick and I didn't even ask.

I took out my phone and entered our conversation. But should I text her at all? I don't know what any of this means. And I... I'm not a lesbian. But on the other hand, Emma is, in a way, my friend. We've known each other for over a year now, she's always the one who congratulates me after a match, and she was the one who told me where the office was on my first day of school. I should at least ask how she's doing.

Me: Hi, how are you?

When I left the conversation, I saw that Liv had sent me a request to see my location for the thousandth time. I sighed but clicked accept. Maybe considering recent events, this is the best option.

Emma: im fine. you?

Me: I’m okay.

I decided I would also write to Liv to make sure everything was okay.

Me: Was the test difficult? And how Carpenter feels?

Liv: i cant with her
Liv: this old bat has threatened to separate us twice
Liv: minds can't stop laughing
Liv: check this

She sent me a video of a girl sleeping on a desk. Liv is arranging various objects on her so they don't fall off. She laughs silently at the camera, then turns it around to show Mindy, also laughing at the front of the class.

I didn't laugh or reply. I get it, they don't like her, but she's heartbroken right now. And you can tell she's really struggling to cope. They don't have to comfort her, but they shouldn't make it worse. I understand Mindy’s behavior, but Liv?

But in the end, it's Carpenter. I'm not going to feel sorry for her or comfort her.

— Hi! — I heard, so I turned around to follow the voice

A girl with not-too-long auburn hair started walking up the stands towards me. I narrowed my eyes a little because I recognized her from cheerleading but I didn't know her name.

— What are you doing here? — she asked and sat down next to me

— I'm waiting for the lesson to end. What about you?

I put my phone in my pocket and leaned back in the chair.

— We're supposed to have a meeting with the coach during the break.

So Tara also. I hope she doesn't think to come here. She should just go home and lie down. If she sleeps during every lesson, someone will eventually notice.

— Oh, okay.

— Has Tara spoken to you? — the girl asked me

I looked at her a little confused. Another person connects me with Carpenter today. I don't like it. Maybe we've broken too much of the distance we should have maintained. We should only talk about the project.

— Tara Carpenter? — I asked and then it hit me

It must be Anika. Tara’s only friend in this school.

— We talked today for a while. Why do you ask?

— I was worried because she hasn't replied to me since the party in the forest. She's been through a breakup and I’m afraid…

— You know, — I interrupted her — Carpenter and I don't like each other, so she didn't write to me either.

I'm not going to listen about her breakup and how she's struggling with it. I've already seen that. It’s enough for me.

— I thought you do like each other.

What the hell. Is she blind or something? How can you even think that?

— No…not really. We're just doing a project together. That’s all.

— Oh, fine. I probably misinterpreted the fact that you kept smiling at her at the match.

— What? — I asked — Well... you must have misunderstood something.

— Amber! — I heard Liv and I know she’s mad — Take her!

I stood up and realized she’s walking Tara to us. Mindy is just walking slowly behind them with her arms crossed and annoyed look.

Carpenter’s face is pale and she barely walk.

— What happened to her? — Anika asked me

— Frances — I just said and I started jumping over the seats in the stands to get to the bottom faster

When I got down, I walked over to Carpenter and patted her cheek.

— Come on, get yourself together — I told her

— Leave me alone, Amber — she mumbled as if in her sleep

— She should go home — Anika said — But I don’t have a car or license. Can any of you drive her?

I was ready to say that I could, but in her condition I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't know if Chad would agree to do it. And I'm not going to bother with her on the bus. Maybe Jill would take her. Since her university is investigating a murder, she's taking classes online and staying home.

— I won't take her home on my motorcycle because she'll fall off.

— Take Chad’s car — Mindy told me

— Will he agree? — I asked

— I'll tell him I'll suck him — Liv said with a straight face and we all looked at her

Even drugged Carpenter was curious.

— Nice to know — Mindy said and took her phone to call him

— Don't look at me like that — Liv told me — I was just thinking out loud.

— Maybe too loud — I answered and looked at Carpenter

— Take her from me — my friend moaned and pushed the girl into my arms

I grabbed her under the arms and held her. She can barely stand on her feet. Why the hell did she come to school?

She rested her head on my shoulder and I felt awkward. We've never had any physical contact. Besides grabbing her wrist and the locker room situation. It's a strange feeling, holding her body.

— He said yes. I’ll take the keys and bring them to you. Go to his car — Mindy instructed us

— Yay! We’re finally skipping classes together.

— You’re coming? — I asked Liv

— Obviously.

I struggle to get Carpenter into the parking lot. She’s not helping at all. Anika is trying to support her somehow but the girl doesn't even answer her. Maybe she is consumed by shame. I hope so.

— I'm begging you, try to walk normally. Someone might notice us — I told her

— Leave me here. I don’t want to go with you.

I'm so stressed out about this situation that I can't even get angry about it. Why did this task fall to us? Why couldn't someone else have noticed it and taken care of her?

— I'm just trying to help you.

— I don’t want your help — she said without even looking at me

What is she mad at me about? What have I done? Besides, she never once looked me in the eyes since Liv brought her.

— I know, but you need it.

Luckily for us, Chad's car was parked pretty close. As soon as Mindy unlocked the door, I helped Tara into the backseat and buckled her in. She didn't protest.

When Liv and I got in the car, I immediately took out my phone and called Jill.

— What? — she asked

— Is anyone home?

I'm not taking Carpenter to her house. I'd have to take her there and then explain the whole incident to her parents.

— Just me.

— Okay, thanks.

— Why? Are you…— she started but I hang up

There is no time for explanations now.

— Tell Chad to take my motorcycle — I told Mindy and gave her keys

— Okay. See you later.

— Bye.

I am so grateful to Chad for letting us use this car. I don't know what I would do with her at school. At least in my house she will sober up a bit.

I rolled up the windows and started the car.

…

We struggled to get Carpenter up the stairs to my room. I laid her on my bed and took off her shoes. I hoped she won’t feel like throwing up. I wouldn't survive that.

Liv immediately went out to the balcony to smoke a cigarette. I, in turn, leaned against the desk and stared at Tara. How could she have let herself end up like that? And with what?

I sighed and headed out to my friend's balcony. I'd even endure the stench of cigarettes to avoid looking at Carpenter.

— I heard rumors that she was just a regular junkie, but I thought she just smoked a lot at parties — Liv said and took a long drag on a cigarette

I grabbed the railing and looked at my garden. Kate rearranged all the decorations again.

— It’s not weed — I said quietly — Those are the pills she keeps eating. She probably took more than she needed.

— The one you took with her? — Liv blurted it out in such a tone that I looked at her immediately — Even though in all the years of our friendship you have never had even a glass of vodka with me?

Does she really have a problem with that? I didn't take it on purpose.

— It’s not like that — I said — I thought it’s a typical painkiller. It wasn't until Mindy told me I was high that I realized what it was.

— And you didn't tell me anything.

I pushed myself away from the railing to go and sit on the other chair next to the girl. I looked at her, not quite understanding where all her frustration was coming from. The last few days were hard, I had to think a lot, make decisions, there was no time for a regular meeting over a shake and talking nonsense.

— I didn't even want to think about it — I explained — But we can make up for everything.

— We barely talk lately — Liv replied indignantly

Had I really neglected everyone around me in some way? I didn't mean to.

— I'm sorry...I just…

— Just what? — she asked and blew smoke right in my face

— I've been feeling a little down lately — I said a little more quietly — But I'm working on it, and it'll get better. Jill and Kate are with me. I can do this.

— Are you and Carpenter closer? — she asked and she threw the cigarette butt into the can intended for this purpose — This is all getting weird. Frances is furious about you, you and Carpenter keep running into each other. You think I didn't see you two going to the locker room together after the match? Or how you looked for her in the forest?!

— Nothing will ever bring me and T..Carpenter closer together. We still don’t like each other, we’re not friends — I explained but Liv didn't seem to get it

I don't want to argue with her about Carpenter.

— Good — she muttered and put another cigarette in her mouth again — Mindy would never forgive you for this.

I looked at the floor, confused and a little devastated. Why is Liv mad at me? I didn't do anything against her. I drew Tara’s number for the project. It's not like I asked her to do it together. I even tried to talk her out of it, but she refused. It’s not my fault.

— Less than three weeks into the project and you're already bruised, your hand is busted, you've been taking drugs and you're acting like a lunatic.

— I’m not a lunatic — I replied quietly and looked at the floor.

— Then be yourself again! — she raised her voice — I don't recognize you at all, I feel like I know nothing about you!

I crossed my arms and I grabbed my right shoulder tightly.

— This is not the time for this conversation Liv, Carpenter is lying drugged in my bed.

— You never have time to talk.

I don't understand what she's complaining about. I don't ignore anyone.

— You won't be able to skip school, unless it's Carpenter…

— Liv, fucking look at her, she's almost unconscious! I had to help her! — I blurted out, already irritated

She and Mindy brought her to me. If they had reported this to anyone else, she wouldn't be lying here now.

— After the match we always wait for each other, and suddenly she wanted something and you didn't care anymore.

— Liv it’s not like that I swear!

— Never mind — she said and put half an unburned cigarette into the can — I’m going home.

— Liv don’t go — I asked as she stood up and started walking towards the entrance to the room — Let’s talk!

I got up and followed the girl.

— Liv! — I called when she was already at the exit from my room

— Another time — she just said and went out

I hit my shoulder with my left fist to somehow release my emotions. I turned around quickly, nervous, and saw Tara sitting on the bed with her face buried in her hands.

I swallowed hard and walked a little closer.

— How do you feel? — I asked

She just shook her head, moved her face away from her hands and looked at me.

— Terrible — she muttered — Were you arguing about me?

— More about me.

— Is she mad that we're talking?

— Are you surprised? — I asked and raised my eyebrows — You see for yourself how you experience the fact that Frances cheated on you. Do you think Mindy was better? Worse, even.

I sighed heavily and went to the bed to sit next to the girl.

— They're gonna hate me if we get closer.

— Closer? — she asked

— Maybe we should limit all our conversations to the project only.

— Freeman, don't exaggerate. We don't talk very much. Only when we have to, really.

I started thinking about it, and…there really wasn't much talk about the project. It was always something else. We're not even...unkind to each other anymore. On the one hand, I feel better about it, but on the other? This is new and disturbing.

— So why do I feel so guilty now? — I asked her and looked her in the eyes

— Were you really looking for me in the forest?

I quickly turned my head away from her and got out of bed. I started walking around the room, thinking about what I could do.

— Lie down again, you look terrible — I said to dismiss her question

— I feel better when I talk. Because I can focus on it and not drift off.

I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to look at her.

— Then keep talking. Will that help?

— I think so.

— So talk to me and I will do the training in the meantime — I suggested

I will answer her so that she will be focused on it and sober up faster.

I went to my shelf with training stuff. I took a resistance band and started stretching my arms on it. I'll do some light training to calm my head. Luckily for me, I didn't feel like dressing up better for school, so I'm wearing sweatpants.

— How long have you been friends with Liv? — Tara asked me

— I stopped counting — I said, stretching — It’s been a long time.

I wouldn't want it to end soon. And today's conversation made me realize that this could happen.

— You always seemed to be close.

I glanced at the girl lying on my bed, pale and obviously exhausted. Why did she do that? I doubt it made her feel any better.

— Do you have any siblings? — she asked

— Yeah — I said with a slightly trembling voice because I felt pain in my hand

I know I shouldn't overwork it yet, I need training. Just a few light exercises. If I can't cope, I'll stop.

— Really? — she sounds completely surprised — I thought you’re an only child.

— I have a step sister — I admitted — She’s older, you don’t know her.

She made a face as if she didn't believe me and stared at the ceiling. Meanwhile I took the dumbbell in my hands and stood with my legs apart. I started doing squats, but I didn't take my eyes off Carpenter. I wonder what she's thinking about.

— You have the vibe of an only child — she said after a moment of reflection

— Why? — I asked and straightened up from my squat and frowned

— Maybe I better not explain.

— Well, maybe it's better not to — I said in a warning tone

I went back to squatting and Tara went silent for a moment. When I finished, I put down the dumbbell and straightened up. It's too hot to exercise in a hoodie. I grabbed the bottom, but hesitated whether to take it off. I know I shouldn't think she'll be staring at me, but I'm just nervous about undressing in front of her. I don't know why.

I picked up my sweatshirt and pulled it over my head, leaving me in just my sports bra. I looked in the mirror like every time and ran my fingers over my stomach. I still don't like it. I'm starting to worry if I ever will.

— You have a perfect body — Carpenter said quietly

It made me tense up a bit more.

— Absolutely not. That's the problem — I replied and lowered myself to the floor to do push-ups.

It doesn't matter that my hand still hurts. I finally have to improve something about myself.

— I never knew your arms were so muscular — she said and it knocked me out of my rhythm

— Now you know — I only replied

— I can't fathom that I'm in your room.

On the tenth push-up, I felt such pain that I groaned and sat down on the floor. I can't concentrate with my hand hurting and Carpenter talking over my head.

— This hand is driving me crazy! — I said, furious and irritated

I looked at the girl, who was already looking my way. I got up from the floor and walked over to the bed. I hesitantly sat down next to her and gripped the mattress beneath me with my hands.

— Are you feeling better? — I asked

She moved her gaze from my stomach up until it stopped on my eyes.

— It’s hot there. Can I take mine off too? — she said slowly

I swallowed hard, strangely stressed by this thought. Tara leaned on her elbows and slowly began to unzip her blouse.

— I can lend you a T-shirt — I said quickly

— I'm better off without it.

She threw her blouse aside and I fought with my head not to look at her. I feel her looking at me but I don't have the courage to turn around. After the situation with Emma, I no longer look at girls so indifferently. I mean, I always looked at them but I thought it was more for comparison.

This awkward silence is killing me. I'd love to lie down and bury my face in the pillow.

— Do you want some water? — I asked

Maybe when I leave the room I'll feel relieved. Just for a moment. It's just too stuffy now.

— Yeah.

— I’ll bring it.

I quickly got out of bed and practically ran out of my room. As I closed the door, I looked at it, a little hesitant about whether I should leave Tara here. However, I moved on, thinking that it wouldn't take long. I walked into the kitchen and saw Jill with her friend Sam.

I felt embarrassed that I didn't put on any shirt.

— Nice abs — Sam said while staring at me

— Hey! — Jill shouted — That’s my sister.

— It was just a compliment.

I ignored them and looked around to see if there was any of my sweatshirts around here. But I didn't find anything.

— Have you been working out? — Jill asked me — Your cheeks are all red.

— Yeah — I said after a few seconds and went to the fridge

I took two small bottles of water out of it and closed the door.

— Two bottles? — my sister looked at me suspiciously and smirked — Are you keeping someone there?

— My friend is here — I replied angrily, wanting her to leave me alone

I don't want anyone to see Tara here. Jill knows she's Frances's ex, so she'll be pissed that I'm looking for trouble.

— A friend or…friend for sex? — Sam asked and leaned more against the countertop

They both started laughing. It is clear they had met their match. When I first met her, she wasn't as talkative as she is now.

— It's definitely not Liv because it's too quiet — Jill started listing and I glanced at Sam. She reminds me of someone. I have no idea who, though — Mindy isn't here either because she'd definitely come over to say hi just to look at me, and Chad never comes over without Liv. So who is there?

— Jill, please, leave me alone — I said seriously

— We're just joking!

She shouted after me but I was already out of the kitchen. When I entered the room furiously, I saw Tara sleeping. Maybe it's even better. Once she gets some sleep, it'll go away.

I placed both bottles on the nightstand and looked at the girl in front of me. Tara sleeps with her mouth open and breathing calmly. I sat down slowly on the bed, not wanting to wake her up. I lay down on my back and I’m staring at the girl. I wonder how long she'll sleep like that. I wish Kate hadn't found us like this. No one can.

Chapter Text

~~~
Sometimes we think we know it all. We're confident in our beliefs and hold fast to them. Especially people like Amber Freeman. But life ultimately shows us we know nothing.
~~~

When I opened my eyes, Tara immediately looked away from me. I sat up in bed and looked down at the girl. This is awkward, we're both shirtless. I don't understand why she hasn't put on more clothes. Is she that hot?

I try to look at the bed or the walls, but my eyes keep drifting to Tara's breasts.

— Are you feeling better? — I asked to stop thinking about it

— Yeah. I'm fine. — she said quietly and got up from the bed

I ran my eyes over her body, from her shoulders to the hem of her jeans.

— So why haven't you left yet?

She could have left now that she's feeling better. She didn't have to lie here with me. She looked at me while I slept, like some creep.

— I was waiting for you to wake up so I could thank you for your help. — she said and I looked at her

— You could have texted me.

— And you could have just woken me up, told me to get dressed, and ask me to leave. Instead of acting hostile again. — Tara told me and then grabbed her blouse

— Fine.

I walked over to the chair where I had thrown my shirt earlier and grabbed it. At that moment, the door to my room opened and I saw Liv. She stopped dead in her tracks, watching Carpenter put on her blouse while I stood with mine in my hand. Liv looks at me in disbelief. I quickly turn to Carpenter, who had already dressed and was now leaning against my locker with a smile.

— This looks bad. I know. — I said, swallowing hard — But it's not like that, Liv.

— Are you fucking her? — she asked

— Who's fucking who?! — I heard Jill, who entered my room a few seconds later — Tara? — she asked confused

— Jill? — Tara also asked in shock

— You know each other? — I asked, probably even more surprised than they were

— That's Sam's sister. — Jill told me — Wait, are you together? You like girls, Amber? — she asked me

— No! — I said — Of course I don't! — I announced, stressed

I turned to Carpenter, furious that she wasn't helping me undo this. Is this amusing to her? That I'm "disappointing" my loved ones?

— Tara, leave. Now. — I said

— I wanted to talk to you. — she said

— Me too. — Liv added — And I think I have priority with her.

— Now I feel like talking too. — Jill muttered, looking between me and Tara with a smile

Oh my god...

I sighed and pushed my way through the girls to get downstairs. I hope Sam isn't there anymore. I went down to the kitchen and opened the fridge to start making myself a protein shake.

The girls came down behind me and started staring at me. Pissed, I threw the protein packet on the table.

— What? — I asked them — Or don't say anything. I don't want to hear it. I didn't do anything with Tara, Jill and Liv, you can't be mad at me for helping her, since you brought her to me at school.

— Okay, you answered them, now can you talk with me? — Tara asked

— No, Tara, I can't.

— Why? — she asked and I don't know what to say

I can't even look at her, because my thoughts keep returning to her body.

— Because I promised Liv that we would talk and catch up on a lot of things. — I said and I poured water into the bottle

I poured the powder into the bottle, then closed it and started shaking it.

— Okay. But I will text you. — Tara said — Thanks for everything, you too Liv. Bye.

When she left the room, I breathed a sigh of relief.

— Are you sure you're not a lesbian? — Jill asked — I always suspected you of that a little.

— Jill, shut up. — I said and the girl raised her hands up in defense and left

— First of all, I'm glad you're not sleeping with her. — Liv said and smiled, but the smile disappeared fast — Secondly, word spread around school that she was on drugs. Teachers started asking about her.

— She's not a junkie.

Her girlfriend cheated on her, she was probably trying to help herself this way. She made a mistake, but she learnt from that already. When Frances cheated on Mindy, she was drinking for a whole week. Everyone copes in a different way.

— I'm pretty sure she is. And I don't want her to cause you any trouble. You shouldn't spend time with people like this Amber.

— You weren't so caring when you made fun of her in class. — I said

Liv sighed and came closer to take my hand.

— I don't give a damn about Carpenter. — she said and looked me in the eyes — I'm just afraid she might drag you into this. And you...

— And I have an addict mother, so I'll probably end up just like her. Is that what you mean, Liv?! — I asked irritated and took my hand from her

— No. You're too smart for that, but life's tricky, okay? One bad moment and you're gone. Amber, I'm just worried.

I don't like this conversation. I don't like the direction it's going. Does Liv really have no faith in me at all?

— I'm nothing like my mother! I actually care for other people and understand my duties. I would never abandon my loved ones in need to get high in clubs and sleep with strange men!

— I know, Amber! — she shouted at me — I also care for people, that's why I'm here! I know I got carried away earlier and exaggerated the matter, but I came back because I want to talk. I want to know what's wrong and help you. And don't tell me, that you're fine, because you're clearly not fine!

— Okay. — I said — Let's go to my room. We'll talk.

— Thank you.

We went upstairs and into my room. Liv sat on my bed, and I stood with my back to the desk and grabbed it with my hands.

— You've been aggressive again lately. You're distancing yourself, not spending time with us. — she said calmly — I don't know if we did something wrong or if there's something wrong with you...

— You guys didn't do anything. — I told her

I don't want her to blame herself, because it's my sick minds, not them.

— I don't know what's happening with me, okay? Kate wants to take me to the shrink. I'm not sure if want to go. It's been a while since the last time. I should be fine, I...I should be better, I know. I fucked up. I didn't even learn for this test today. I didn't even know it was supposed to be today. I...— my words are stuck and I don't even know what to say next

I gripped the edge of the desk tighter and stared at the floor. Maybe I'm just fucked up. Maybe there's no hope for me.

— I made out with Emma Duval. — I said suddenly

I felt like all the weight was lifted off my chest for a moment.

— What?! — Liv asked and stood up

She came up to me and just hugged me. I didn't hug her, I stayed in the same position I was in. I can't. I don't feel good. I want to disappear.

— In the forest? — she asked when she backed away

— Yeah.

— I assumed that's why you like her so much. But I'm glad I didn't start this topic and you finally told me yourself.

— But Liv, I'm not into girls. I'm not into anyone.

— From what you say, I guess you are. — she said and I looked at her devastated — And it's cool Amber. There is no reason to be ashamed or deny it. You like someone, that's great. And since you made out, she probably likes you too.

— Please, don't tell anyone. Especially Jill. I don't want my family to know.

— I won't tell anyone. But please, try with her. Live a little.

— I think I've been "living" too much lately. I just want to get back to normal. To erase everything that's happened.

— You can't change the past. Just try not to think about it.

— Liv, I played the match high. I would have lost everything if I'd gotten caught. My father would kill me, Kate would be disappointed. — when I said this, I felt chills all over my body and tears came to my eyes — This would prove that I am like my mother. And maybe I am. I'm broken and fucked up just like her.

I want to cry. But I shouldn't do this. Crying shows weakness, and weakness should be hidden.

— Don't ever say that. I will never speak to you again, if you keep saying that. You're not like her and you will never be her.

— It just hurts, Liv. — I said and I sniffed — I live in constant fear. — I choked out and a tear rolled down my cheek

My friend put her hand on my shoulder and stroked me. This conversation is driving me nuts. I'm saying more and more, discovering things I didn't want to.

— You see my hand? — I showed her the dressing — I ruined it. Because my damn brain can't handle emotions. How can I achieve anything if I can't even control myself? I am made to hurt.

— No, you're not. And I love you, Amber. I love you, so I think you should se a specialist. You will feel better. Just don't run away from your problems.

I don't want to talk to any specialist. I can barely open up to Liv, let alone anyone else. That's not my style. I prefer to keep things to myself, not reveal the truth. That's just how I am.

— They still keep running after me anyway. — I said, thinking about Carpenter wanting to talk to me

— Then face them. — she said — I will always be here to help you with this. No matter what, you can always talk to me. I'll listen.

Liv is too good for me. She deserves someone better, someone who's willing to try new things with her, someone who knows how to ask how she's doing and doesn't hide in their room when things get tough.

— I don't want you getting involved in this. I don't want you to get hurt during my tantrum.

— I know you wouldn't hurt me.

She says it with such certainty...I would never hit her, but my words can hurt much more.

— I feel like shit. — I said — Can we lie down?

— Yeah. Will you tell me what it was like with Emma?

— Maybe. — I said and smiled a little

...

— Hi. Again. — I said when Tara opened the door for me

— Hey. Thank you for coming.

I entered her house, which must be empty, as I couldn't hear anyone. I followed the girl to her room and sat down on a chair. I put the helmet on the desk and sighed. Chad brought my motorcycle to me and I gave him the car keys when he picked up Liv, about an hour ago.

I didn't tell them I was going to Tara. I didn't really want to come here, but Carpenter was very insistent on talking to me.

— Sorry for all the trouble today. — she said — You shouldn't be dealing with me, not after everything I've put you through.

I couldn't leave her at a time like this. My conscience wouldn't let me.

— I wanted to help. So don't worry about it. But I swear Carpenter, if I see you high again, I'll tell your parents everything. You can't fucking take these pills! — I shouted at her — Do you know how fucking scared I was when I saw you like that? You looked like...doesn't matter. Just don't do this.

— I...okay. I'll try? — she said, confused

— I defended you to Liv that you're not some drug addict, so you better prove it to me! — I told her and stood up so she know I'm serious

— Why do you care? — she asked, but she wasn't arrogant, just surprised

— Because I don't want you to...I don't need...more problems. Besides, we have a project to do. You have to think straight.

I walked over and sat down next to her on the bed. I looked at her, into her dark eyes. Maybe when Carpenter stops causing trouble, my life will somehow improve too.

— Okay. I'll try, I promise. — she said, looking straight into my eyes

I nodded and stuck out my hand.

— Give me all the drugs you have left. — I said and she tensed — I'll throw it away. You won't ruin your life with this.

— Amber...

— Tara. You promised.

— Fine. — she said and stood up

She looked around the room. She went to a drawer and pulled out a single bag of some kind of powder. Then she went to the closet and pulled out a half-empty blister of pills. I thought that was it, but she went back to the bed and reached behind the pillow.

— Weed also? — Carpenter asked

— Everything. — I told her

She took a rolled-up into ball piece of paper from behind her pillow and handed it to me. I looked at all the substances I was holding in my hands.

She won't end up like my mother. I won't let her. I don't want anyone to suffer that fate.

— What is it? — I asked, lifting the powder bag higher

— Amphetamine. — she said

— I thought you were only taking these pills.

The girl shrugged and sat down next to me on the bed. I put everything in the inside pocket of my motorcycle jacket.

She seems to have a bigger problem than I initially thought. But she gave me everything, so I think she'll really try to end this.

— What if I have a drug trip tomorrow? — she asked — What am I supposed to do, Amber? Maybe...just give me one last pill.

— No...

— Freeman please! I'm going to feel terrible, how am I supposed to function?! — she said angrily

— Don't be dramatic. Maybe this coming down is exactly what you need. — I told her and put my hand on her shoulder

— No...no, you don't understand.

— Have I seen you sober even once since we started talking? — I asked out of curiosity

She couldn't have been walking around high all the time, because I would have noticed somehow, right? It's not that I didn't pay attention to her at all...

— Yeah...I think so. I used to be sober at school but after you're fight with Frances I didn't care about it anymore. So yeah, you have seen me sober.

This explains why at school she was always so... pale, unhappy, not understanding what was going on around her.

— How long have you been taking drugs?

— I don't know. I started when I got with Fran.

I feel like killing that idiot. Not only did she betray Mindy, she betrayed Tara, she allowed her to sink into addiction. How fucked up does a person have to be to do something like that to others?

— Not so long. We can handle it. You're not with Frances anymore, no one will do this with you.

When I said that, she raised her hand and placed it on mine, which was still on her shoulder.

This surprised me, but I decided not to show it or pull my hand away.

— She rarely did anything. Only at parties or at sleepovers. — she said staring at the wall

— I never noticed anything was wrong with you. I mean, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't think you were addicted.

— I'm not addicted! — she blurted it out

— A few minutes ago, you asked me to give you another pill because you wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow. So I guess you are addicted, Tara.

— You don't get it.

— I don't understand this feeling, that's true, but I know what it does to people. Ans I don't want this for you.

— Why?! — she asked suddenly nervously and stood up, knocking my hand away — Why do you care, Freeman? Ever since I've been at this school, you've been making fun of me in your little group, and now you find out I'm on drugs and you want to be my hero?! — she asked and looked at me furious — Do you have some kind of fucking hero complex? You feel superior to me and need to show me you'll fix me?!

I sighed and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I know it won't be easy, but I won't let her ruin herself.

— You're nervous because you're afraid, I know, calm down. — I said, trying to smooth things over somehow.

— Just because your mother is a damn junkie doesn't give you the right to lecture others!

I got up from her bed and hit her in the face with my open hand. She looked at me in shock and I sighed.

— Don't ever talk about my mother. — I said, looking straight into her eyes — I'm taking those drugs away from you, and you should lie down and go to sleep. Maybe skip classes tomorrow and rest at home. Bye, Tara.

— Fine. — she just said and went to her bed

I left the room and headed for the exit, nervous, but also relieved that she had nothing to get high on. This is all for her good, but she doesn't see it yet.

When I left the house, I realized I hadn't brought my helmet. I turned around and Tara had just opened the door, holding it in her hand. She came over and put it on my head. After that, I wanted to turn around and leave, but the girl quickly hugged me.

— Thank you. — she said quietly

I hugged her with one arm, feeling incredibly awkward. She let go of me after a few seconds and quickly walked into the house without a word. I turned around and headed for my motorcycle. I strapped on my helmet and drove quickly away from the Carpenter's house.

When I was near my house, police with sirens blaring started following me. I swerved out of their way, terrified they were going to pull me over for speeding. I have so much drugs in my jacket that it wouldn't end well for me.

However, the police passed me by and drove somewhere further. I felt relieved and turned towards home at a slower pace, not wanting to tempt fate.

When I entered the house, Kate quickly ran up and hugged me. What's wrong with everyone today? Why does everyone suddenly want to hug me?

— They found stabbed teenage girl, in the next town — she said terrified — I saw that you were not at home, my heart almost stopped.

— Hey, don't worry. — I said — I'm fine.

— Thank god. — Kate answered and hugged me tighter

— Another body. It's third this week. — I said worriedly when we moved away

— She is alive. I don't know who it is yet, but she's alive. That's the most important thing.

— Yeah. I'm going to take a shower and lie down. I've had a rough day.

— Everything alright? — she asked me, when I walked away

— Yes. Don't worry. — I said and went to the stairs

Chapter Text

~~~
We look for the right things in the wrong people. And because of that, the right ones elude us.
~~~

As soon as I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was my jacket full of Tara's drugs. I didn't throw them away yet, because I wasn't sure how to do it. But I didn't take my eyes off the jacket for even a minute. What should I do with these bags that have my fingerprints on them? Should I burn it? Flush it down the toilet? I've never been in this situation, so I'm not sure how to behave.

The last few days have flown by so quickly, even though I've been keeping my head in books all the time, trying not to think about everything that's happening around me. I prepared a lot of things for the project, caught up on overdue notes, and ran more than usual. It made me feel a little better. Emma also cheered me up a bit by texting that she can't wait for Ethan's party. I really want to spend time there with her. I feel like something is pulling me towards this girl. Maybe it's my adoration or attraction towards her perfect body.

Anyway, I need to get rid of those drugs because it's been in my room for three days now. I'm afraid Kate might notice. And she won't believe it's not mine, since she already knows I played the match while high. I barely managed to get out of a psychiatrist's appointment yesterday. Luckily, my father supported me, so Kate let it go. I need to be more careful, regain their trust, so they don't pay too much attention to me.

I got out of bed and grabbed my jacket. But before I could do anything, I heard a knock on the door.

— Yes? — I asked and then Kate opened the door

— You're friend wants to see you.

— Let her in. — I said and smiled at the thought of me and Liv spending Saturday's morning together

But it wasn't my friend who came into my room. It was Tara. I looked at her suspiciously. We hadn't seen each other since I left her house. She hadn't shown up at school, so we'd only been in touch through text messages. I don't know if she's on drugs, because she's not in my control all day. I can only take her word for it. And that doesn't sound very authentic.

— Hi, Amber. — she said — What's up?

She leaned against the wall by the door and crossed her arms. I don't know why she came here, but it's good that she did. However, I didn't expect Carpenter to wake up earlier than 8 a.m. on the weekend.

— I'm good. And you?

I really want to know. If she doesn't use, the school will drop the investigation into her and won't connect me with all this.

— Better than ever. — Tara said with a smile

— That's great.

I went to the closet and started looking for clothes. I don't want to be in my pajamas in front of Tara. I started changing in front of the girl, because she had already seen me in my underwear, so I don't care.

— Will you be at Ethan's today? — she asked and I sighed

I forgot I was supposed to ask Jill if she would pick me up later.

— Yes. I'm going with Liv.

I pulled on my jeans and zipped them up. I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it in the laundry basket.

I see her looking at my abs, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did the first time.

— I'll be there, with my team. So will Emma. — Carpenter wiggled her eyebrows with a smile and I shook my head.

I swallowed hard, stressed that she mentioned her. I know she was right about me liking Emma, ​​but I don't want to admit it to her. I don't know what my relationship with Emma is all about. We kissed, but after that we didn't even talk at school, we just wrote a few messages to each other.

— So what? — I asked and put on a black compression shirt

— Nothing. I just thought you should know.

— I did some research for our project. — I said to change the subject — I've also already written the survey, would you like to review it?

— Sure. — she agreed and she came with me to my desk

I handed her a printed piece of paper and the girl stared at it. This project will not be comfortable for her because she herself has a problem with this topic. But I won't stop her from doing this because she hasn't agreed to it before.

— We need to get permission from the principal to carry this out at school. — I added — We will then analyze the responses, calculate the percentage of people with such problems, dividing them into groups.

— Do you and I have to answer too? — she asked

— We can. The more people the better. We just have to maintain the age range from fifteen to eighteen.

I want our project to be the best. I need to get back to my form of being perfect in everything.

— Fine.

Tara leaned against my desk and pulled out her vape. I stood next to her, trying not to comment on it. She has more important things to deal with right now than quitting smoking.

— Grape? — I asked her and inhaled the scent

— Yeah. My favorite.

— How are you? You know, without drugs.

She was right, to a certain extent, at her house that day. I learned about her problem and felt a need to save her. It wasn't about boosting my ego, though. I simply learned firsthand through my mother how addiction works. I may not like Carpenter, but I don't want that fate for her.

The girl tensed and took a drag on her vape. She blew smoke in my face, making me wince and she laughed.

— Let's not talk about it. We are not here to talk about feelings.

— So what exactly did you come for? — I asked

That wasn't meant to be a snarky question. We simply have no other reason to meet than the project.

— I don't know. Maybe I just... I don't know, I wanted to see how the project was going.

— Okay. I'm going to go get myself ready, I haven't had time to brush my teeth yet. — I told her — Will you wait here?

— Sure.

I left the room and went to the bathroom. I started brushing my teeth, staring in the mirror.

Shouldn't Tara be in bad shape now? She was taking drugs for so long, suddenly she stopped. People usually don't respond well to this. They become grumpy, tired and paranoid. And she came to me, looking the same as always, except that she is in a better mood.

She should be on a massive drug withdrawal and...and I left her in room where all her drugs are...

— Fuck! — I shouted and threw the toothbrush back into the container, spat out the toothpaste and ran to the room

I ran through the door into the room, but it was empty. I quickly ran to my jacket and took out all the drugs. I started looking through everything and counting. It looks like she didn't take anything.

I breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against the armchair where my jacket was hanging.

— Why are you rushing around like that? — Jill asked and she stood in the doorway of my room

When she saw what I had in my hands, she immediately closed the door and came over to me. She slapped me on the back of my head, more angry than ever, and snatched everything out of my hands.

— What the fuck, Amber?! — she asked angrily, but not loud enough for our parents to hear us.

— It's not mine! I just wanted to throw it out!

I know it sounds pathetic. Like some cheap excuse. But I'm telling the truth. She has to believe me, she knows me. I would never do that.

— You don't look like you're throwing it away! Goddamn it, you idiot. Whose is it if it's not yours?

— Jill, I can't tell you. I just have to get rid of this. Help me.

— I'll help you. But If I see you again with something like that in your hands, or in the company of people who take it, I will tell mom everything. And on top of that, I'll hit you in the face myself!

— I get it, I'm sorry. It's not mine I swear Jill. Please, help me.

— Put it in your jacket, we'll flush the contents down the toilet, and we'll burn the bags. I'll tell mom we're going to fill up your car.

— Fine.

Jill ran her hands over her face, devastated, and left the room. I took my phone from the bed and unlocked it.

Dwarf: my mom texted me to come home
Dwarf: see you at the party ;)

If stress ever kills me, it will be because of Tara Carpenter.
...

I walked out into the driveway, waiting for Liv. Chad is giving us a ride to the party. I didn't want to ask Jill about it, because after what happened today she definitely wouldn't agree. She's damn angry with me, but I think she believes what I'm saying.

When I saw Chad pull up to my gate, I waved to my friends. I ran to the car and got in. Liv immediately turned around in her seat to squeal and hug me.

— We're going to a party! — she shouted happy

— Why wasn't I invited? — Chad asked

— Because you made fun of him. — I told him and shook my head

Ethan didn't like my friends. He just didn't fit with them. He's specific, a bit strange, but he's also been through a lot. So even though I don't want to be with him, I always try to be nice.

— Yeah, yeah. But the cheerleaders too, and somehow he invited them.

— Because they're cheerleaders, honey. You don't have an ass like theirs. — Liv said and laughed

— Oh...okay. I'd dispute that, but okay. Let's drop the subject. — he said

I laughed at my friend and leaned back in the seat.

— Will you have at least one shot with me today, since you're not driving? — Liv asked me

— We'll see. — I answered and winked at her

— Wow. There's no argument about the harmful effects of alcohol. Your new friend seems to be influencing you. — Chad said and looked at me in the front mirror

— New friend? — I asked confused

— Carpenter. Projects connect people.

— We're not friends. I don't know what we are.

How can you describe a relationship in which you dislike each other from the start, but fate keeps bringing you back together until you finally start helping each other even though you don't have to?

— Forget Carpenter. — Liv said and turned to me — Today is about Emma.

— Liv...

— Becoming friends with Emma...— she corrected herself because I nodded at Chad — Have you texted her?

— No. Why?

— Oh my god...You really don't know anything about this, Amber.

— I think she knows how to make friends Liv. We are here after all. — Chad told her

— And you are very intelligent.

— Thanks. — he said with a smile, not getting the sarcasm

I wish I could talk about it openly, but... I don't feel confident yet. I don't know if I really like girls, or if it's just a need to experiment. Besides, Emma wanted to keep it a secret, and I'm not about to give it up.

— I'll teach you everything before we go in. — Liv said to me

I decided not to respond because this conversation was not going in the right direction.

— There are rumors that Frances was stabbed to death a few days ago. — Chad changed the topic

— What?! — I shouted in shock — It was her?!

— I don't really believe it. — Liv said — Why would she be in another city at some playground at a late hour? Plus she keeps reposting heartbreak stuff on TikTok.

— Yeah, Minds showed me. — Chad confirmed — A person who has been stabbed is unlikely to think about TikTok.

— Even I wouldn't. — Liv added

— Tara didn't tell me anything. — I said, not believing what I heard — But surely Frances would have contacted her.

— Like I said, it's just a rumor. We have to wait for official news. The press has been very secretive about these attacks.

— It's terrible what's been happening here lately. Kate will soon stop letting me out of the house. — I told them and sighed

Today, she wanted me to stay home, but I insisted. I think I need this party. I want to see what happens with Emma, ​​finally find out who I really am.

— My parents are going crazy too. They installed cameras and some sensors. The whole city will fall into paranoia.

Chad pulled up to Ethan's house and we said goodbye to him and got out of the car. Liv immediately grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

— You should greet her nicely and look for opportunities to be alone with her. If you need a room, I'll get it for you. — my friend whispered to me

— What? — I asked and stopped — Liv I, won't do anything with her here, there are lots of people.

— It's a party.

— I just want talk to her. I don't expect anything more. — I said and shrugged

— Okay. I kind of forgot I was talking to you and not Mindy. Let's go.

I shook my head with a smile and we headed inside. As soon as we walked in, Liv started greeting everyone one by one, and I stuck my hands in my pockets, not knowing what to do with myself. A few people seemed surprised to see me here. Not only am I not showing up at parties, but I also had a something with Ethan.

I came here mainly for Emma.

We found Ethan in the kitchen, standing with his math club friends, who probably don't know what they're doing there either. Just like me.

— Hi. — I said with a smile and hugged the boy

— I'm glad you came. Really, Amber. It's my first party and I'm a little nervous, but it's good that...you're here and...you know. You get it.

— Everything looks fine, don't worry. As long as you have plenty of vodka and beer, everyone will be happy.

— I confirm. — Liv added and also hugged him

— I hope you will have fun Liv. Amber once mentioned that you liked Jägermeister, so I bought that too.

— I already love you. — she replied, beaming, and ran for the bottle — Amber, want a drink?

— No, not yet...— I started, but then Emma and her friends came into the kitchen and she looked at me — Make me one. Yeah.

I looked at the floor, slightly stressed. Does she really want to kiss me today? What will it look like? Back then, in the forest, it happened by accident. Now it's different, and I'm having a hard time visualizing it in my head.

— So...— I heard her and when I looked up I noticed she stands next to me — When is your next match?

— Thursday. If everything is okay with my hand, I can play.

— Still hurts? — she asked and gently grabbed my bandaged hand

I looked into her eyes and swallowed hard.

— Not anymore. It's fine.

— I'm happy. I'm going for a drink with the girls. Can we catch up later?

— Yeah. Yeah, sure.

— Okay. — she said and smirked

Emma left the kitchen with her friends and I bit my cheeks. I felt my heart beat a little faster and when Liv handed me a drink, I drank it quickly at once.

— Girl, it's a drink, not a shot. — Liv told me

My friend looks at me impressed, probably surprised to see me in such a situation.

— I was thirsty. — I said, wincing at the taste of alcohol — Shall we go sit somewhere?

— Sure, let's go.

We sat down on the couch and Liv started pouring vodka into glasses for herself and the girls from our school. I don't want to take a shot yet because my throat still feels hot from the drink. Knowing Liv, it had more alcohol in it than juice. And I've never drank before, so I don't know my limits.

— Freeman! — I heard Tara next to me

She's hanging over me, leaning against the couch. I turned my head towards her and immediately remembered the stress of thinking that she might have stolen drugs from my jacket. But she didn't do it, so I can't blame her.

— Hi. — I said nicely

— Hello. — she answered with a smile

— Have you been here long?

— About half an hour. Do I smell alcohol on you? — she asked and moved to sit on the couch next to me

Liv quickly looked us over, but just rolled her eyes and said nothing.

— I had one drink.

— This is new. — Tara commented and handed Liv a glass so she could pour her some vodka too. — Come on, McKenzie it's a party.

— I'll pour you some, but I won't drink with you. — Liv told her and a nasty smile appeared on her face

This is a much better reaction than I expected.

— Will you drink with me? — Tara asked me

— I promised Liv that my first shot would be with her. Sorry.

— Understood.

— Amber, I'm about to get emotional. — Liv moaned and started fanning herself with her hands. — That's my girl.

— A promise is a promise.

— You must really love her if this is a significant promise to you. — Tara said

— Of course she loves me! — Liv scolded her

Carpenter raised her hands in defense and said nothing.

...

— Okay. The moment is coming. It's stressing me out. I can't believe it's happening...

— Liv calm down. It's just a shot. — I told her

I stand there like an idiot with a shot of vodka and juice in my other hand, waiting for my friend to finally pull herself together.

— For me, it's about strengthening our bonds. Amber, you are my favorite person in the world. Don't tell that to Chad. Okay, I'm ready. Anika, — Liv put her phone in her hands — ...record this.

— You're also my favorite person, Liv. — I said and smiled

When Anika started recording, Liv and I clinked glasses and quickly downed the shot. It was so disgusting, I immediately washed it down with juice.

— You lost your virginity. — Liv told me

— Yeah, I hope I didn't. — I answered and took another sip of juice

— Hey Amber! — I heard Emma behind me — Do you want to take a walk?

Before I could respond, Liv pushed me toward the girl. I stood in front of her and smiled awkwardly. Emma put her hand on my waist and started leading me. I look at her, not knowing if I'm feeling hot from the alcohol or from the fact that she's touching me.

We left the house and walked a little further down the street. Emma took out her keys and opened the car in front of us.

— You're not going to drive drunk, are you? — I asked worried

— No. Of course not. It's my friend's car. We'll just sit down.

The girl opened the back door for me, so I got in the car, feeling everything in my stomach churn with stress. When she sat down next to me, she locked the door and the car with the key. She immediately started kissing me, and it took me a moment to come to my senses and kiss her back.

Emma quickly took my jacket off me and threw it to the side. She touches my belly, tangles her hand in my hair and I love it. I've never felt so good kissing someone before.

She lifted my blouse with her fingers and ran her hand over my muscles. I feel shivers spreading through my body. I raised my hand and cupped her cheek. I don't feel confident enough to touch her anywhere else. Emma, ​​on the other hand, is very confident, and her hand travels higher and higher, all the way to my bra. She touches me and I let her.

I want to kiss her here, but I don't know if I want to do anything more. It would just be weird doing it while hearing my friends partying next door.

She pulled away from my lips and started kissing my neck. It's damn nice, but I can't get rid of the stress. I just...don't know if it should look like this. We are in the car, there are tons of people next to us. I don't want to experience all this for the first time in this way. Besides, Emma is quite drunk. Okay, I drank too, but I'm not as drunk as she is.

When she moved her hand to the button of my pants, I looked at her.

— Emma. — I said and she looked at me — I don't know if I want sex in the car.

— Why not? — she asked impatiently — We don't have to go all the way. We're just having fun.

She unbuttoned my pants and put her hand on my crotch, just like last time. She touches me through the material of my undies, and I try to relax as much as possible. But I can't, even though it's nice.

Emma kissed me briefly on the lips, but that didn't reassure me either.

— Wait. — I said and I placed my hand on hers, signaling her to take it out of my pants

— What happened? — she asked, probably irritated

— This is my first time. It should...

— First times aren't all that magical Amber. — she said quite sharply, as if I was exaggerating

I thought I could handle it, but even alcohol didn't help me.

— I know. But I would be more comfortable in bed.

— Then we can find a spare room at Ethan's.

Why does she want to do it so badly here and now? It can wait. We don't know each other very well, we should slow down.

— No, I meant...in my house or yours. Not with all these people around us. — I said

Emma bit her lip and pulled away from me. I shifted in my seat, staring at the girl.

She didn't like what I said, I can see that. But I have to be honest with her because I care. I guess.

— We can get to know each other a little better, go out somewhere...

— No, Amber...I don't want a relationship. I thought you just wanted sex too.

— What? — I asked confused — But...

— I'm leaving for college in a few months. I have to become a lawyer, I can't ruin my reputation with this.

— What you mean "ruin"?

I felt that all the charm associated with her suddenly disappeared. Emma's words make me realize that this wasn't what I was looking for in her. I never stared at her with the thought of wanting to undress her. I admired her talent, her commitment, and the way she combined her work with excellent results at school.

She seemed like the perfect person for me because she seemed to be everything that impressed me. It's just a pity that during these months of looking at her, I didn't notice her character.

— I don't want to reveal my sexual orientation, I don't want to be with a woman. — she told me and my eyes widened  — You clearly want something more.

So she sees it this way...

— I thought that we both want something more. You told me you like me.

— I do. You're so hot...I love your body and watching you play soccer.

This is probably the saddest thing I could hear from her right now. She literally equated me to an object.

— I get it. — I said and grabbed the handle

— Don't be mad at me. Hey, if you change your mind, you have my number.

— Yeah. Bye, Emma.

I got out of the car and headed towards Ethan's house. I'm trying not to cry because I don't want to seem weak. I went inside and grabbed one of the bottles. I carried it upstairs and went into the bathroom. Behind the door, I found Tara drinking water.

She looked at me surprised, and I closed the door and leaned against it. I unscrewed the bottle and drank Liv's favorite alcohol.

— Disgusting. Like some kind of cough syrup.

Tara came over and stood next to me. She took the bottle from me and took a drink as well. The difference between us was that she didn't wince. I don't know how they all don't do that.

— Maybe don't drink anymore. — she told me

— I'm not drunk.

— Still more than me.

I took the bottle from her and drank again. I know it takes a toll on my mind, I feel more relaxed and my vision sometimes gets a little blurry. At first, I drank to be calmer and more confident around Emma. Now, I'd happily drink myself into oblivion just to avoid thinking about her.

— I don't like the idea of ​​you drunk. — Tara said

— Why? — I asked her

— Because you're already cool enough without it. And you have your goals, you exercise a lot, you eat well. Alcohol is not for athletes. Don't drink anymore. I know you'll be mad at yourself tomorrow when you have a hangover.

— Yeah I probably will. — I admitted and put my hands on my face

I'd love to lie down in bed right now. I need it.

— You see, I know you. I wouldn't want you to get too involved in the partying. You're talented, you're damn smart. It can't go to waste.

I looked at the girl, into her large, dark eyes. She is staring back at me and smiling gently. Her words somehow warmed my heart. Maybe that was exactly what I wanted to hear from Emma. But it didn't come from her mouth, it came from Tara.

I snapped out of my thoughts and walked a little further to sit on the corner of the bathtub.

— Kate will kill me. — I said — I lied that I would probably stay the night at Liv's because...never mind. But now Liv has plans with Chad. I messed up.

— You can stay the night at my place. There is only Sam, my parents are away.

I looked at the girl again, a little surprised by her proposal. But I guess it's better than betraying dad's and Kate's trust. And then Jill, who'll immediately accuse me of drugs. I don't want to cause any more problems at home.

— Would be nice. What time do you want to get back from here?

— We can go now. I just need to text Sam to tell her to take us.

I felt relieved that Tara also wanted to come back. I'm really fed up with this party. It's not for me, I don't feel completely at ease here.

— Okay. I'll say goodbye to Liv and the rest.

— I'll be waiting outside.

I hope Liv won't be too hard on me about who I'm going with or where. I'll tell her Jill is picking me up. I know she wouldn't react positively to the thought of me spending the night at Tara's.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't feel sober. If I hadn't been drinking, I could have just gone home and told Kate I am not sleeping at Liv's. But it's too late now.

— Hey, Liv. — I accosted a girl — I'm going home, Jill is picking me up.

She's standing there drunk with the girls from our class. I don't want her to stay here without me, but Liv will never agree to go home yet. I'll just let Chad know I'm gone, so maybe he'll come to keep an eye on her.

— Come on, don't be kidding, so early? Is everything okay? — she asked and put her hand on my shoulder

— Everything's alright. I just want to sleep.

Liv hugged me goodbye and patted me on the shoulder.

— Right. When I sober up tomorrow, you will tell me everything in detail.

— Okay. — I said and my mood deteriorated again

I went outside the house to see Tara who was standing by the road smoking. I went to stand next to her and she leaned her head against me. It didn't feel weird to me. We're drunk, so there's a more relaxed atmosphere between us. I have no idea how long Tara got drunk, though. I only saw her take one shot during the entire party. But then again, I didn't watch her all evening.

— Sam will be here soon. — she said

— Will she be angry that we drank?

I wouldn't want Tara to have problems because of me.

— It's Sam. God knows what she was doing at that age. — she answered me and laughed

— Right. I didn't say goodbye to Ethan. I don't know where he is.

I only saw him at the beginning, then he disappeared somewhere.

— I haven't seen him for a long time either. He's your ex?

I don't know how she knows about it. Frances probably told her, though I don't know. I stopped hanging out with her before I went out with Ethan.

— No, we weren't together. He wasn't my type.

— What's your type? — she asked and she stared at me

I don't know why she's asking this. It's not important. I don't even know if I have a type. I thought Emma was my type.

— I don't know anymore.

Tara smiled at me and then looked at the road.

— Sam's here. Let's go.

Tara got into the back of the car with me and Sam greeted us.

— I see that friendships run through generations. — she said

I looked at Tara, but she was focused on her phone. I didn't respond to Sam's words, just fastened my seat belt and stared out the window. I wish the alcohol would stop affecting me. I don't want to say something stupid at Tara's.

...

Tara lent me her sweatpants to sleep in. She didn't give me a T-shirt, though, because she also only sleeps in pants and a bra. It doesn't bother me, we've slept like that before at my house.

The girl stares at me as I go to bed. I lie down next to her and return eye contact. I don't know why, but once we got here I didn't feel like sleeping. Tara isn't tired at all either. She looks like she's just getting started with her day.

— Why did you drink today? — she asked

— For courage. I thought that... I would be able to talk to someone...

— Emma? — she interrupted me

Tara's eyes swept over my body, examining it from top to bottom. In another situation, I probably would have said something to her, but right now, it doesn't even bother me.

— Maybe.

— I saw you two went out for a moment.

I clenched my jaw at the thought of this situation. I liked the way she kissed me, the way she touched me...But I didn't like the fact that she only wanted to do it after drinking, hidden in the car so that no one would find out.

I don't know anything about relationships, but it seems to me that I need more care.

— I've been a little confused lately. But now I know everything. — I admitted, more to myself than to Tara  — She didn't even know me. All she could say about me was that I play soccer and I'm pretty.

— You are pretty. — she admitted

— I know. I mean...

Tara laughed softly and shook her head. I looked at her in surprise, because this was probably the first time I'd seen her laugh genuinely.

— You look good smiling. You should do it more often. — I said

— So I was right after all, you like women.

— I don't know Tara. I've only kissed one girl. I need to analyze all this more.

I don't know why I'm so open when I'm drunk. Normally, I would never tell her that.

— You said that in our project, the more people for analysis, the better. Same here. Kiss more girls and you'll understand.

She rolled onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows, looking at me.

— It's not that easy. — I mumbled

— It is. — she said and then ran her fingers along my neck — I can help you with that.

I look at her in shock with my mouth slightly open. She wants to kiss me. Tara Carpenter wants to kiss me.

When she leans over me, staring into my eyes, it all doesn't seem so bad.

Understanding is about gaining experience.

— Do you want me to help you? — she asked

I nodded, incredibly stressed, but also slightly excited by the situation.

Tara placed her hand on my cheek, but her lips moved not to mine, but to my neck. I tilted my head back slightly, letting her kiss my skin because it felt so damn good. Then she lifted herself a little, and her lips moved to my collarbone. I raised my hand and, despite a moment's hesitation, placed it on her head to stroke her hair.

It's so damn weird. But I think... I think I like it.

I feel chills all over my body and the places where her lips touch me are burning. I don't think I'd ever imagined seeing Tara Carpenter kissing the gap between my breasts. With one hand she runs over my stomach, gently squeezing my skin, drawing circles with her fingers.

— Feels good? — the girl asked

— Yes. — I gasped, excited and terrified

When her tongue found its way to my stomach, I couldn't take the pressure anymore and I rose up to pull Tara closer to me. I look into her dark, large pupils, and they are as hypnotizing as ever.

— I want to kiss you. — I told her

She sat on my lap, then grabbed my arm and pushed me back onto the bed.

— Do it. — she said and smirked

She leaned toward me, but didn't make the first move. I lifted my head slightly to capture her lips with mine. For a moment I felt like I was falling off a cliff. I kiss her as if my life depended on it. I hug her around the waist, with fear as if she were about to escape from me.

And I wouldn't want that.

We broke apart for a moment, breathing heavily. I'm looking at her, confused but eager for more.

— Will I regret this tomorrow? — I asked

— Today is not tomorrow. Focus on the moment.

I nodded, Tara moved closer to me and our lips met again. I think I already know my answer.

Chapter Text

~~~
Establishing new relationships can be difficult, especially when you have no experience doing so. Amber seems to understand what she wants, but does Tara reciprocate?
~~~

I woke up with a headache so I could barely opened my eyes. Drinking alcohol is really not for me. I tried it, that's enough for me. I never want to repeat it.

I stretched and looked at Tara. She sleeps cuddled up to me and doesn't look like she's going to wake up anytime soon. I turned more towards her and brushed her hair away from her face. Memories from the night flashed before my eyes, making me feel a little embarrassed. We didn't do anything more, but I still loved it. Tara was affectionate towards me and respected my boundaries. Maybe that's why it was special to me. I smiled to myself and rolled my eyes.

I dug my phone out from under the covers and checked the time. It is already after nine. I should go home before Kate starts worrying about me. She already texted me to ask what time I'd be back from Liv's. I feel bad that I lied to her, but this is the first time I've done something like this.

I got out of bed quietly, trying not to wake Tara, pulled on my blouse and walked to the door. I turned around, wondering if I should say goodbye. But I don’t want to wake her. We went to sleep quite late, so she's probably tired. Since I robbed her of her sleep last night, I have to let her make up for it now.

I left Tara's room and headed for the door. As I descended the stairs, I encountered Sam, who looked as if she had just walked into the house. Where was she last night? She didn't come home with us, she went somewhere else.

— Hi. — I said, feeling caught doing something wrong

— She didn't make you breakfast? — she asked

— I don’t want to wake her up. I’ll eat at home.

Eating breakfast together now would probably be awkward. I would not even know what to say.

— Need a ride? — Sam asked

— No, I’ll ask Jill.

I don't know if I want to ride in a car with the sister of the girl who was kissing my body just a few hours ago.

— Don't expect her to get up. Come on, I'll take you home.

— You don’t have to, really. — I inform her, hoping she will let it go

— I insist.

I guess it won't work. I'll have to deal with the shame somehow.

— Fine.

We left the Carpenter house and went to Sam's car. The tires are so dirty, it looks like they've been racing off-road. If I remember correctly, they weren't like that yesterday.

— How was the matter resolved with the professor from your university? — I asked, to start conversation

— What? Did Jill tell you anything?

— That you now have online classes because someone was murdered at the university.

— Right. — she said and stepped on the gas — They are still looking for the culprit.

— She said the woman had been stabbed multiple times.

— She was ripped apart. — Sam said, not taking her eyes off the road.

This is terrible. How could anyone even do something like this?

We passed a police car, and I recognized the blonde sitting inside. She was the one who'd come to see the body found during the match. It turned out she is the new sheriff.

— Slut. — Sam muttered when she saw her

— You don’t like her? — I asked and smiled — Did she give you a ticket?

— No, she was just a nuisance to me in the previous city I lived in. It's a shame they moved her here where my family happened to move.

— There are rumors going around my school that she's sleeping with Ethan. I know it's not true, but people like to make up stories.

Sam didn't answer me, so I looked at my phone. Liv got up and started texting me about the events of yesterday's party. I'll reply to her later. I entered into a conversation with Tara and told her that I left without saying goodbye because I didn't want to wake her up. I also texted Mindy, because she hasn't been in touch with us much for the past few days.

— It's nice that you hang out with my sister. She doesn't have many friends here. — Sam told me — There was Frances...but thankfully she is no more there.

— I hate Frances. She cheated on Mindy, then she cheated on Tara…

I felt a surge of anger again. I just can't believe someone like Frances broke the heart of two hot girls.

— Tara told me how you massacred Fran's face. I support this.

— At least you. — I said with relief — Everyone else jumped at me for it.

— They do not understand the need to protect their loved ones.

— Yeah…Will you drop me off here? I told Jill's mom I'm sleeping over at Liv's. I don't want her to catch me.

The girl laughed and shook her head. I know I didn't behave the best, but what was I supposed to tell Kate? "I don't know if I'll be going home tonight because maybe a sexy cheerleader will take me to hers.”? No way.

— Sure.

Sam pulled up to the sidewalk and I opened the door.

— Thank you, Sam. Bye.

— Bye, Amber.

…

I sat down in the cafeteria with Mindy, waiting for Liv and Chad to join us. My friend is excitedly telling me about another bloody movie she saw over the weekend. However, I don't focus on what she's telling me. I’m looking at Tara, who is sitting at the table with Anika, showing her something on her phone. She looks terribly exhausted and bored with life. So, as almost always. This time, however, she has a certain twinkle in her eye when she looks at me.

Our only conversation yesterday was based on the project. Tara didn't bring up our kiss, so I didn't either. Part of me was embarrassed by the situation and afraid to make the first move. Although I would really like to know what that meant. If it meant anything.

— You won't believe who locked themselves in Ethan's parents' bedroom and with whom. — Liv said as soon as she sat down and covered Tara from me — Brit and Marcus!

— I don’t even know these people. — I answered and looked behind Liv to see Tara

— Dude! — Mindy scolded me, and I was already scared that she noticed that I was looking at Tara — You and Brit have been on the same team for two years.

— Oh. Right.

— You seem distracted. — Liv told me and smiled suspiciously — Maybe we should talk about something…

— No. There’s nothing to talk about.

I didn't tell Liv what the meeting with Emma was like, even though she was very insistent. It's hard to talk about it. She hurt me. A lot, actually.

— Was the party a success? I can't believe I didn't see Amber's first shot in person. — Chad said

— I don't really want to do it again. Ever. — I admitted

— Amber, what do you do after training? —Mindy asked

— I don’t know. Nothing I guess. I will study and practice…

— Cancel it. I’m coming over. Chad will be at Liv's, and our crazy aunt is coming over today. I'll hide out at your place.

— Sure. — I agreed, even though I wasn't expecting guests today

— Will Jill be there? — she asked, staring at me in creepy way

— I guess it's better for her not to be. — I said and I furrowed my eyebrows

— Liv doesn't have a hot older sister. You’re my last hope. Let me follow my dreams.

I sighed and looked at my phone.

dwarf: going for a smoke, coming with me?

When I saw this message, the phone almost fell out of my hands. My eyes widened and I quickly turned off the screen so none of my friends would see it. So this is what our cooperation is all about now?

Despite my overwhelming excitement, I didn't pick up the phone to text her back. I'm afraid Mindy will notice. She's sitting shoulder to shoulder with me. It's too risky.

— Emma looks good today. — Liv said, staring somewhere and kicked me under the table to turn around

I glanced at Duval, who was walking with her friends toward the table. I saw her glance our way too, but nothing more. I sighed heavily and clenched my jaw. She’s not even going to notice my existence now? Maybe it will be better this way. She hurt me. Terribly. If she had no plans to ever start something serious with me, why bother bothering me at all? She could be a good dream for me, someone I could look at from afar and admire.

But the girl I once dreamed of has made me not even want to see her. And the girl I didn't want to see…

— Hey, Amber. — I heard Tara next to me, so I quickly turned to her

— Hi. — I said, staring at her as if she were a ghost

— I have a few questions related to the project. Can we get on with this now? — she asked

My friends made strange sounds of reluctance. Tara, however, doesn't seem to care.

— It's strange that you care so much about the project. Wouldn't it be easier for you to just sign off on it? — Mindy asked her — You know, cheating is kind of your specialty.

— Leave it, Meeks. I learned my lesson. My taste has also improved. — she said, but she was looking at me, not Mindy

— Let's go...Carpenter...we'll talk about the project. — I said and stood up

Tara smiled rudely at Mindy and winked at her. Something inside me clicked after seeing that, but I ignored it. When we left the cafeteria, Tara put her hand on my shoulder and didn't seem to want to take it off.

I know most of the students are in the cafeteria right now, but it feels weird to pass some of them when Tara is so close to me. I stare at the side of her face, memories of our first kiss flooding my mind. This doesn't seem so bad. My eyes don’t want to leave her face, that slight smile and the strands of hair falling across her face. I don't look ahead, I just let her lead me.

— You're staring, Freeman. — she said and shook her head

— What, does it stress you out? — I asked confidently and Tara turned to face me

— Never. It's even interesting.

The girl overtook me and started walking backward for a moment to look at me. At the door, she grabbed my hand and pulled me outside. We walked to the back of the school, where I rarely go. I used to come here only for Mindy and Liv, when they wanted to smoke.

Tara let go of my hand and leaned against the wall. She pulled out her vape and took a deep drag. She blew smoke in my face and laughed. Even though I grimaced, I am still a little happy that she is in a good mood.

I put my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants and leaned against the building as well. I don't know why, but I can't take my eyes off her today.

— How's your day going? — I asked

— Amazing.

— Really? Why?

Tara just snorted, then came closer and put her finger on my lips. That night she also ran her fingers over my lips.

I look at her, surprised and a little intimidated by this move. I can't move or open my mouth to say anything. She looks at me with this smirk on her face and I feel like I could sink into the ground.

— It's a secret. — she told me and took her finger away

— I see.

I look ahead, not really knowing what to do. Should I talk to her about our kiss? I'm not sure if I'll make a mistake with this. What if this conversation ends the same way as with Emma?

— You're a fucking great kisser, Freeman. — Tara said and I immediately looked her in the eyes — I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly turned on.

I felt extremely embarrassed and I'm sure my face turned red. Maybe it's better if I don't answer. I'd probably say something stupid.

— I love kissing when I'm not sober. It's a hundred times more enjoyable. — she added and grabbed my arm

Tara rested her chin on my shoulder, staring at my face. I smiled slightly and tilted my head to look into her eyes. Good thing no one can see us here.

— I liked it too. A lot. — I told her

I moved my hand out a little and hooked my fingers through hers. She returned the gesture, and our hands joined. I smiled automatically, which made me feel like a total idiot. I have no idea where all this is leading. Is this flirting or has our relationship just improved significantly? I'd like to know. But it's too early for such questions.

— Shall we go to the principal and ask about our survey later? — I asked, mainly because I don't want to remain in awkward silence

— Sure.

Tara's phone rang, and she quickly pulled away from me. She pulled it out of her pocket, and I saw "Fran" on the screen. Immediately something moved inside me. I pushed myself away from the wall and put my hands in my pockets, staring at Tara.

— Hi. Feeling better? — she asked immediately when she picked up — That's good, I'm relieved…I'll try to visit you, but there's no one to take me now…Of course I'm worried, Fran.

I watch Tara with a grimace. Somehow, I can't help but react. I don't like the fact that they have contact. Tara should completely distance herself from her. I crossed my arms and kicked a nearby rock. I can't listen to this. “Of course I’m worried, Fran” just kill me. And she wants to visit her. She's not dying. She's injured, but they've already saved her. There is no need for Tara to go there.

When the girl hung up, she looked at me with a smile.

— Fran is better now.

— Good for her. — I muttered, looking ahead

— You don't seem concerned.

— Because I’m not…— I blurted out quickly without thinking — I mean, yeah it’s sad that this happened to her, but... are you two in touch again?

— Are you mad at me?

The girl stares at me and I feel more and more stupid. I know what I said wasn't entirely appropriate. But my hatred for Frances hasn't changed even though someone attacked her.

— No…I’m…

— Well, you better not be. — Tara admonished me — Amber, she has no one here. The girl she was fucking was killed, she has no friends here, no siblings, just me. She could have died, so I think we should show her a little support and attention.

— You're right, I know. I'm just angry at her for everything she did to you. — I walked closer to the girl and looked into her eyes — Tara, she was giving you drugs. Someone who cares about you wouldn't do that to you.

Her expression changed immediately when I said "drugs." I know this is a sensitive topic, but I had to remind her. I want to grab her and scream, that I’ll never let Frances hurt her again. But I can't tell her that.

— Are drugs really that bad, Amber? — she asked as if she wanted to play dumb

— What do you mean? — I asked, confused with her behavior

— Nothing. I have to go to class. But I'm glad you care about me. You’re a good friend. — she said and then left me

I watch her go, even more confused than before.

Friend?

…

I'm sitting with Liv at some current affairs class organized by the school. The new sheriff tells us not to leave the house at dusk, always try to be with someone else, and buy pepper spray. However, she does not say anything about who might be behind all this, any description or suspicions. She's reluctant to answer students' questions and hides details. They probably don't know anything yet.

I looked at my friend and nudged her with my elbow.

— What? — she asked and put her phone away

— What does it mean when you kiss with someone and then they call you their friend? — I said quietly

— Sounds like me and Mindy in fifth grade. — she replied and laughed

— What? — I asked, surprised, but my surprise quickly passed — Never mind. But it's not just about kissing. It's about the person hugging you, holding your hand...

— Emma called you her friend?

I looked around the room and then leaned closer to my friend.

— No…Tara.

— What?! — Liv shouted to almost the entire room.

Maybe she just did it because she was drunk? She herself said earlier that drunk kissing is much better.

But Tara didn't drink.

— McKenzie! — the teacher called to her — Move to the front!

Liv grabbed her purse, nervously, and headed for the bench in front. However, when she sat down, she immediately turned to me and mouthed, “What the fuck?!”, “Text me”. She lifted her phone and started pointing it at me. I shook my head at her, but the teacher had already snatched the phone from her hands and gone to put it on his desk.

I’m trying not to look at Liv who keeps waving at me. Maybe I shouldn't have told her that. Now I'll have to talk to her about it, and I don't even know what to tell her.

— Is it true that this killer is Ghostface? Like in Stab?! — Cotton asked — It’s cool.

— We don’t have any information about it. — sheriff answered, but she tensed up a bit

…

After school, I quickly ran to the parking lot to avoid meeting Liv. Mindy was slowing me down a bit by saying she wasn't going to run off the field. When we finally got to my motorcycle, we drove straight to my house.

— Hi, Jill! — Mindy exclaimed and I immediately grabbed my head.

She ran to the kitchen and leaned against the counter, looking at my sister. I stood there, preparing to watch this spectacle.

— Hi, Minds. — Jill said calmly, sharpening knives in the kitchen.

— Well, you've probably heard that I'm single…

— Still, no. — she said

— Okay, it was worth a try. I'll probably do it again in a month.

— And I'll probably answer the same.

Mindy clapped her hands in delight and I grimaced at her. What?

— How was that supposed to be positive? — I asked

Jill stopped sharpening the knife and looked at us, probably also curious about the answer.

— She said "probably"?

— Oh my god…— I blurted out and Jill started laughing. — Maybe we should just go to my room.

— If you want, you can watch the movie with me later. — Jill said — Sam went somewhere and I have no company.

— What movie? — Mindy asked, probably already having wet undies

— Stab 4. The best one in the franchise.

— Yes! — my friend exclaimed — You’re so right Jill! Amber, why can't you be more like your sister?

— Because watching someone in a costume walk around and stick knives in people doesn’t turn me on.

— You don't know what you're missing. — Jill told me and smirked

I looked at the floor, feeling a little uncomfortable with her words. I took Mindy by the arm and led her out of the kitchen, eager to go to my room.

— Oh, hello girls. — my step mom said when she saw us on the stairs — Mindy, will you stay for dinner?

— I wouldn’t miss that, I love everything made by you.

— Yeah, especially her daughter. — I whispered to Mindy and she nodded with a smile

When we entered the room, Mindy immediately threw herself on my bed and I checked my phone.

Liv: you won’t hide forever
Liv: i’ll find you

dwarf: i think i have a problem

— Minds. — I said, for a girl to pay attention to me — Do you think you can always tell when someone is high?

The girl shifted on the bed and looked at me carefully. God, I don’t want her to suspect me again.

— Not really. I couldn't always see that in Frances. Depends on what she was taking. Why are you asking?

I think I'll cry if Tara starts taking drugs again. I don't know if I can handle it. If all she told me was just junkie talk...

— Just to be sure.

— If you're talking about that bitch Carpenter whose name you're afraid to say in front of me, just tell me.

I can't tell her. Only Liv knows, and it should stay that way. Mindy would never forgive me.

— No. I was just asking. And don't say anything about Tara in front of Jill. She's friends with her sister.

— I beg you, don't let it happen that you start going out with them as a foursome…Never mind. Addicts are very good at hiding. But their mood swings, appearance, and eyes, especially their eyes, give them away.

Tara looked down this morning, and then she was weird around me. And at the party she was so damn nice. Too nice. I don't want to accuse her, but I don't know if I can trust her.

I turned my phone back on and entered into a conversation with Tara.

Me: Come over tomorrow. We need to talk.

dwarf: sounds scary

It is Tara. It really is.