Chapter Text
She had never seen a couple more in love. It was almost nauseating, and although they had that overt romantic energy common to newly weds, the familiarity between them made her think that they were actually together for years. Maybe they were, God forbid, one of those obnoxious couples who kept acting like newly weds forever. She wouldn't doubt that, with how they were acting. With any luck, she would sell them something soon so she could be rid of them.
At least they weren't kissing. She couldn't stand couples who couldn't stop making out while she was showing them houses, and then acted like she wasn't even there. Then again, it was usually young love that did this sort of thing, and these two were far from young.
"Here we have the reading room, as you can see it's quite cosy, and it gets a good amount of sunlight during the day, but not so much that it might bleach the books," she said, guiding them through the house.
The tall one, Mr. Crowley, passed by her as if she wasn't even there, checking the angle of the windows, although how he could see anything when he was using shades indoors, she didn't know.
"We could put the sofa here, angel. Yours, not mine, mine's not for sitting, purely decorative, I don’t know what we'll do with it. The windows have a perfect angle for basking in the sunlight. Much better for keeping warm than the bookshop," Mr. Crowley said, gesturing wildly in what might generously be constructed as the shape of a couch.
This was good, if they were already making plans for the space, odds were that they were going to end up buying it. She just had to build on that. Make them truly see their future there.
"Yes, the previous owners…" she started, when she was interrupted by the short one, Mr. Fell.
"I don't know what you mean, my dear. You seemed to get pretty warm curling up around me. It always made the customers uncomfortable, which I should probably thank you for," Mr. Fell said, going to stand next to him so he could see things from the same angle.
From what they were saying, then she was lucky that she wasn't being treated to some overt displays of affection, only having to deal with all of their sweet talking to one another. And the flirting, she had never seen a married couple flirt so much. It was uncanny, and made her think that she stumbled into some sort of weird roleplay. Or even worse, a romcom.
"There's enough room for both a sofa and a couple of reading chairs, it's how the previous owners used it," she tried again, this time managing to get the words out, but neither one seemed to be paying much attention to her.
Then again, at no point they paid any significant attention to her. They mostly just talked to each other, even when she was trying to get them to say what they were looking for in a house. They really weren’t making her job any easier.
"If I had known that it helps with sales, that is, with not having them, then I might have done it more often. Give your lot something to really talk about, angel," Mr. Crowley said, lowering his shades slightly as he was talking to Mr. Fell, but at that angle she couldn't see his eyes.
Of course he would keep shades indoors but lower them to flirt better, because that was the sort of day she was having. They better buy something soon.
Mr. Fell put a hand on his arm. "Oh, I couldn't have had you help me too much, my dear, I was afraid of what you might do. You might terrorise a customer for daring to touch one of my favourites, and don't think I don't know that you have all of my favourites memorised."
Mr. Crowley shrugged, but didn't dislodge the touch, in a practised movement of someone who was always trying to both look cool and get as much contact as possible. "Only because you talk about them so much. What am I supposed to do, angel? Not listen to you?"
She didn't even know why she was there, it was like she was invisible. She tried not to mind that too much, as long as they ended up buying the house, they could flirt as much as they wanted beforehand. She just wished that they wouldn't do that in front of her. Actually, scratch all of that, she absolutely minded, they needed to buy the house first, and then they could flirt in peace without bothering her, as she would be away filing the paperwork. Paperwork was better than witnessing this.
"I'm not judging you, my dear. In fact I would say it's sweet, if I didn't know you were going to object to the characterisation. I just don’t think that you should mistreat the customers too much. I don't want them to take anything, but there's no need to be mean. They are allowed to look, as long as they do so very carefully, and don’t touch anything."
She tunned them out for a bit as they continued to talk about things that had nothing to do with the house. The pet names were also annoying, and they seemed to only call each other that, to the point that she didn't even know their first names yet.
"Gentleman, if you may follow me upstairs, I can show you the master bedroom now," she said, after thinking they had flirted long enough.
People should really view buying a house more as a financial transaction, and less like a romantic gesture. Maybe then she wouldn't have to deal with so many romantic couples that thought that their love was the greatest in the world. Funny how often they would call her a few years later to sell the house because they were getting a divorce.
"As I said over the phone, it only has one bedroom, but I'm sure you'll be satisfied with the size," she said as she opened the door.
"Oh, we only really need the one. We were more concerned with having room to build a library, but I think there's plenty of room downstairs," Mr. Crowley said as they walked in.
Of course they would only need one room, unless they planned to entertain guests. She was willing to bet that they were one of those couples who hadn’t slept a single night apart from each other for decades and couldn’t stand to travel away from each other for even an overnight. She noticed that they were walking with their arms enlaced now, as if she needed any more affectionate displays from them.
"And we need a garden. I took a glance at the backyard and I think there's enough room for you to transplant all of your plants. I wouldn't dream of finding any place that didn't have enough room for them," Mr. Fell added.
Great, now they wanted a garden, after not having mentioned anything about it when saying what they wanted from a house. People should learn to make a list beforehand, she knew each of her listings by heart, and could easily eliminate the ones that wouldn't fit and save everyone some time.
"Of course. Yes, this house has a vast front and backyard space, and the soil is good for all local flora. If you're interested in something more exotic, with more specific needs, there's also enough room to build a greenhouse, and they are permitted by the town's statute, although you'll have to get a plan approved," she said, trying to keep them firmly in the aspects of the house and nothing else.
It wasn't that she hated love, it just made her job a lot longer than it had to be. Her wife called her a cynic, but she always thought that love and romance had no place when it came to acquiring property. In fact, she thought that finances were the death of romance, and keeping separate finances was the secret to a long and happy marriage.
"A greenhouse! Did you hear that, my dear? Oh, we absolutely must have one. I don't care for the plants myself, I had quite enough of that with young Warlock, I had to go to the nail salon three times a week. But it would be a wonderful expansion to your hobby. And between the garage and the reading room, we have room for absolutely all that we need. We must have this house, it's perfect in every way," Mr. Fell said, squeezing his companion's arm.
The funny thing about that was, it showed who seemed to make the financial decisions, and who actually made the financial decisions. Always an important thing to know, in her line of work. Just because she hated watching couples interact, that didn’t mean that she didn’t know how to read them.
"Angel, that's not how we're supposed to do things. We should look at a few places, and never let anyone know we're too interested in something," Mr. Crowley said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
The reasonable one, it seemed, although he should know better than to say that in front of her. Not that it mattered, as long as he wasn't the one calling the shots, and he clearly wasn’t.
"Nonsense, you know this place is perfect. Make an offer, my dear."
That was great, she would be able to manipulate the price a bit. She got double the commission on anything past the initial asking price, so she was looking forward to that.
"Unfortunately, there are other couples interested in this property as well, so I can't guarantee you'll be able to get it. Especially since the asking price is so low, a bargain even."
Mr. Crowley frowned. "Listen here, I know what you're trying…"
"We should make a higher offer, my dear," Mr. Fell said, interrupting him. "Say we add another hundred thousand, would that be enough?" he asked her.
The asking price was already twice the market value, and the reason why that particular property had been on the market for close to a decade at that point. Selling it would be considered no small miracle, and she was sure to get a promotion and better listings, especially if she also went above the asked price.
She pretended to check the folder, building up the anticipation. She didn’t even mind the flirting anymore, she was just glad that the only one who seemed to understand anything about money was so completely whipped.
"Yes, it appears I am allowed to close the deal for this price without having to check with the owners. If you follow me back to the office, I'll get the paperwork started. You could be moving here as soon as the weekend, assuming all the finances are in order," she said, looking only at Mr. Fell.
It was clear that Mr. Crowley didn't approve of the price, but it was also clear that he had very little say in the matter. She was used to seeing that, couples where one person was all sweet and nice, never outright demanding, but asking just so for things and leaving it clear that what they wanted was what was going to happen. She didn't mind that at all, one person was easier to convince than two, and she could always pit them against each other. It was just business, after all.
Mr. Crowley sighed. "Alright, angel, if you love this place so much, we'll take it."
There it was, one look of resignation, one unabashed look of glee. It was amazing how many house sales went that way, they really were a whole representation of a couple's dynamic. There was no bitterness in this one, so she was willing to bet that they were the sort to last. The key to love was an annoyed resignation to the other's worst tendencies.
"Wonderful! Thank you, my dear, this is exactly what I had in mind."
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. As annoying as that was, she was more inclined to tolerate that now that she knew that she would be getting a big commission. Besides, they would fit right in the neighbourhood, filled mostly with old retired couples who had been together since they were still in their teens. Quite a lot of older queer couples too, so no one would mind how ridiculously affectious they were with each other.
"Fantastic. If you'll follow me, we'll get everything sorted. I'm sure you'll be very happy in this house. And I have to say, it's a perfect fit for such a happy couple," she said, with her best fake smile.
"We aren't actually…" Mr. Crowley started, just as Mr. Fell said, "Thank you, dear girl."
Well, that was weird, maybe she read them wrong, and Mr. Crowley wasn’t so happy with his partner after all.