Archive of Our Own ^beta

It hurts. It’s been hurting for far too long, now.

Looking back, Kaveh’s life had been good. He had a job, friends, he was famous for his creations, and he had a house.

No, that wasn’t the right word.

Home was a better term.

For Kaveh, a house and a home were fundamentally different. A house was a building with walls, a roof, furniture and one or more inhabitants. A home, however, is a place you feel safe, happy and loved. Most people associate the two words with the same meaning, but Kaveh knew well that a home could be a person, or people, rather than a location.

If he had to identify his ‘home’, his first answer would be his friends. All of them were so kind and caring to him, and always brightened up his days where life became a bully and made him feel less than whole.

Though, the real title of 'home' belonged to Alhaitham.

Even after an awful ending of their friendship, where Kaveh knew his words had hurt him deeply, the man still sacrificed his 'peace' for him. Allowed him a roof to stay under for free, to which Kaveh had outright refused and didn't let the scribe stop him from paying rent. Bought him a whole crate of wine from Lambad's to apologise after a pretty bad fight. Annoyed him to no end, but never pushed too far intentionally. Heck, the man had dragged him wasted from the Tavern all the way home and God knows what hour of the morning countless times and nursed him when the hangover hit.

Kaveh never deserved his kindness after the cruelty he threw at him all those years ago. But Alhaitham continued regardless.

It had been a while since the year of the Interdarshan Championship, where he and Alhaitham would still have disagreements and spend their evenings in foul moods. Somewhere along the line, the two of them had begun to fight less and spend most, if not all of their free time with one another. Not long after the Temple Of Silence drama, Kaveh had confessed while drunk, and found out the next day from Alhaitham himself. He'd panicked and started to ramble in embarrassment and shame before Alhaitham reassured him the feelings were mutual, and from then their long-overdue relationship had only thrived. He'd recently paid off his debts to Dori and had commissions flowing in with ease - luckily, the majority of his clients didn't try to micromanage or scam him, too.

His life had turned around, and everything was better.

So why, on such a beautiful evening with no rain and a clear, starry sky, had he found himself at the edge of a cliff wanting to jump and never return?

Why did every part of his being feel heavy and in pain? Why were tears of hatred, frustration and anguish constantly verging on spilling over, why did his chest always feel tight, why did his heart hurt so badly that his previously beautiful, clear skin was now tarnished and ruined my jagged scars and scabs in more than one bodily location? Why, when he had everything he wanted, was it still not enough to ease his pain, even if just a little bit..?

His head hurt and his eyes burned from the sheer dryness. At this point he was convinced there was no way for his body to produce anymore tears with how many he'd shed that evening.

His legs had long failed him, leaving him crumpled on the grassy cliff edge and his knees dirty with dried mud that'd likely stain the fabric of his trousers. The wind was cold and goosebumps littered his exposed skin. The whole of his forearms and hips were stinging and aching from the fresh incisions covering what little unscarred skin remained.

He saw no point anymore. He wanted to die. He had done for years. The opportunity to successfully rid of his functioning brain and body was mere feet in front of him. But he couldn't bring himself to move.

Like always, he was running away from golden opportunities. Haha, how cowardly.

Though, he'd always been a damagingly selfless, pathetic excuse of a man now in his late twenties. Kaveh knew it was a dumb idea to try and kill himself anyway. Nobody would congratulate him for it. They'd only be burdened with his own current pain. It was selfish to pass on such horrible feelings to those he loved. His Mother would likely blame herself for not being with her son, just like he had blamed himself for his Father's passing. Carrying such heavy guilt and self-loathing would likely make Faranak take her life, too, and then that would also be Kaveh's fault.

And Alhaitham.

It was true that Alhaitham liked his comfortable life alone, but if you knew him as well as Kaveh did, you'd see that the man was lonely and craved for at least one person to be close to. After all, he was barely in his early teens when his Grandmother passed away, and before then both his parents had died too. After that, his only remaining companion had walked out on him and left the poor boy with nothing but a ripped up project and harsh words.

Stupid, cruel Kaveh. Just how selfish was he?

He couldn't win. All the fingers of blame pointed directly at him.

Once again, the architect looked out over the cliff edge, where houses, plantation and the odd night time creature lived their lives of comfort. Oh how he desperately wanted to use the last of his bodily strength to throw himself off and let himself fall. He wanted to give up. The moment his consistently accelerating body smashed against the rocks and concrete below, all of his pain would be gone.. He’d be freed from everything. After all, who wants to live every day hating themself?

But, at the end of the day, Kaveh knew he was loved. His Mother loved him, his stepfather loved him, Tighnari loved him, Collie loved him, Cyno loved him, Nilou loved him, Faruzan loved him, Nahida loved him, of course Alhaitham loved him too. and even those who weren’t as close like Sethos, Layla and Hat Guy cared at least a little bit. He was convinced even Dori felt at least something positive for him.

He loved them all too.

A few sad beeps snapped Kaveh out of his thoughts, and he looked up to see a very familiar toolbox looking at him, her eyes and outer sections drooping with what looked like worry.

“Don’t look at me like that, Mehrak..” Kaveh said softly, his voice cracking from how sore his throat was, “I’m alright..”

Mehrak turned herself side to side and beeped rapidly at him, making her disagreement very obvious. Kaveh couldn’t help but laugh softly at her. Where had she learned to imitate someone shaking their head?

“Who taught you that, huh?”

3 beeps, the second one a couple pitches higher.

“Of course it was Alhaitham.”

Mehrak beeped again and projected what looked like a cat who was curled up sadly. She then tilted herself to the side a little as though she was tilting her head in question.

Kaveh sighed and looked out again, his previous smile gone, “Yeah.. I am sad, Mehrak. I have been for a long time now.”

A single beep. ‘Why?’

“Honestly.. I don’t even know anymore. Everything just feels pointless - I don’t know what to do about it.”

The sentient toolbox’s face turned sad again as she floated over into his lap and beeped lowly a few times.

“I know.. Thank you. You’re the best, y’know? You were my first real friend after Mom went to Fontaine.”

Kaveh looked at the box in his lap, and upon seeing Mehrak’s sad face again, ended up sobbing softly, “I’m so tired, Mehrak.. I’ve had enough of feeling like this. I just want it all to stop.”

How he was crying again, he had no idea. He’d been away from the city for hours, now, and he’d only stopped crying a little before Mehrak showed up worried.

“I hate myself so much. I’ve fucked up. By now, the whole of Sumeru is probably looking for me, and once again I’m wasting their time by being a crybaby and a coward.. I came here to take my life and I can’t even do something as simple as that..”

Mehrak beeped frantically, trying her hardest to express the fact she didn’t want him to do anything stupid.

“I know Mehrak.. I don’t really want to die.. I’d only regret it knowing how much they’d miss me and have to shoulder the guilt of not being able to save me. I can’t do that to them.. but it feels like I have no other choice..”

God, his heart hurt so much now. Even a piece of sentient technology was scared to lose him. He was so torn with what to do, even though his head was screaming at him to get up and just jump, you coward, you’re already useless and now you can’t even bring yourself to end it all like you want.

The intrusive thoughts just got worse, overtaking his rationality with each word and only increasing his desperation to go. He wanted to give in so badly, he’d even stood up and moved further towards the edge of the cliff now despite Mehrak floating in front of his face and beeping loudly in an attempt to deter him.

Do it, Kaveh.

Two more steps. Just two steps..

“Kaveh.”

The blonde stopped still. The voice was too familiar.

He exhaled a quiet, shaky sigh and forced himself to turn around.

His eyes met teal. Glossy teal.

Oh..

Alhaitham looked at him, a strange, unidentifiable expression on his face. His eyes were wide and teary, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, but no frown on his lips. Kaveh noticed that he was shaking, too. Not from the cold, though - Alhaitham didn’t ever really get cold.

He was scared.

“Alhaitham..-” “Move away from the edge."

Kaveh went quiet “Please, Kaveh.”

Alhaitham’s tone made Kaveh feel nauseous. It wasn’t right. There was desperation in it. Fear. Kaveh’s bottom lip quivered. He was so heartless, making Alhaitham so scared. More tears dripped down his cheeks as the Scribe slowly moved towards him.

It only took two steps for them to be within arm’s reach of each other. Two steps.

He sobbed. Hard.

He brought his cold, shaking hands up to his eyes as wails forced out of him. A pair of warm, familiar arms wrapped around him and held him tightly while he spent the next year-long minutes sobbing out apologies over and over again until his vocal cords failed him and he could do nothing but whimper and gasp for breath in Alhaitham’s hold. Everything was aching. He wanted to go to sleep.

“I’ve got you, Kaveh.. You’re okay.”

Alhaitham’s voice was shaky, barely above a whisper and so, so pained. Kaveh could just about recognize that the other man was also crying, albeit silently and much less forcefully than himself. When Kaveh’s tears finally came to a stop and nausea had creeped up on him, he took a deep breath both for the cold air and to compose himself. He then willed himself to look at Alhaitham.

There were barely-visible tear tracks on his cheeks, and the look he was giving him made him want to bawl like a baby all over again. He likely would if he had the energy. The most he could do was loosely hug Alhaitham back and whisper another apology.

“Don’t apologise. I know you’re struggling. I’m just relieved I found you when I did.” Alhaitham replied.

“...I don’t want to die, Alhaitham. But it feels like there’s no other way out.” He admits, sniffling.

“I know.”

“..I want to go home.”

“Then we will.” The scribe wiped away Kaveh’s remaining tears gently, “Would you like me to carry you?”

Kaveh nodded, knowing he wouldn’t make it far on foot.

“..I love you, Alhaitham. I’m sorry.” Kaveh said as Alhaitham let him hop on his back and stood up. The scribe sighed softly and began walking,

“I love you too.”

★······★······★

“There.”

Alhaitham put the gauze and antiseptic solution back into their medical bag. During the evening, some of Kaveh’s fresher injuries had reopened or lost their scabs and needed cleaning up. It made his chest and stomach feel less than comfortable at the fact Kaveh hadn’t even mildly flinched as his cuts were tended to.

“Thank you.”

Alhaitham looked up at Kaveh and sighed gently, cupping his cheek and gently brushing over the bags beneath his eyes. Kaveh was exhausted.

“You need to sleep, Kaveh. Some rest will do you good.” He tells him, getting up and putting the medicine bag back into the cabinet. He then helped Kaveh up too and brought him to their now shared room, laying him in bed as they’d both already changed into PJs. He got into bed shortly after and immediately wrapped his arms around Kaveh, kissing his head.

“Goodnight, ‘Haitham.”

“Goodnight.”

…

“Promise me you won’t leave me alone..?”

Alhaitham sighed gently and brushed some of Kaveh’s hair from his eyes, “I’d never dream of leaving you. Just make sure you don’t leave me, either. Alright?”

He felt Kaveh nod gently against him and cuddle in.

“I may hate myself, but I still love you. My pain would only end up passing onto you if I left, and you don’t deserve that. I don’t want anyone to feel this way.” Kaveh said softly, “I know you love me. I just.. hope one day, I’ll love me too. However long it takes.”

“You will.”