Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

5th June 2005

My love,

You died on a Sunday’s evening.
I’ll always remember the date, a date burnt into my brain.

You were gone so suddenly. You stopped breathing and then your heart stopped, they said that you had a cardiac arrest. It isn’t fair, you were so young and healthy, full of life, and now I’m crying on your death bed, I can’t let go of your hand even if it’s cold, I can’t let you go.

I used to love everything around me, they always said that I was so strong, the chosen one. No one really cared for who I was until you came into my life, we hated each other for so many years, I loathed you, but then later I realized one thing, the war change people, and you changed.

You changed in so many ways that I can’t explain, I saw you for who you were, who you became and who you wanted to be.

When I say that I love you, I’m proud to say it, you’re my everything, you make me feel loved for the real me. To you it always was Potter then now Harry, and I’m so grateful for that. My life with you in it was just so much better than before I met you again.

I used to be so lost without you, I was gone and mentally dead, the war broke me, but you were my glue, and I was yours. I wish you could see yourself like I see you, someone beautiful. Our past is rough yes, but we overcame it. 

You rescued me when I was deeper than one could imagine, I was drowning in my own despair, my life was a mess made of depression and fire whiskey but you shook me, knocked some sense into me, helped me find hope again. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Today is your birthday or at least it was, it’s not fair, life isn’t fair, I wish I could hug you one last time but we both know it will never happen, you’re dead, and you’re not coming back.

I wish we had more time but now it’s too late, you’re gone forever, my heart is burning but I keep it together for you, because I loved you with all I had, all I’ll ever have, so for you my love, I’m strong.

See you in heaven my dear Draco, till the end of time, farewell.

I love you. H

Chapter Text

31th July 2005

Draco,

When I think of you, I think of our time together, the sleepless nights, the laughters that would never end, the kisses and of course when we made love, all of this is forever written in my memories and my heart.

When I think of you, I think of how honest and pure you were, how kind, loving and caring you were, you were truly amazing and god I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts so bad but I’m brave for you.

Everyday I go to your grave in the little cemetery close to our cottage and I pass my day sitting close to you, talking to you and bringing beautiful flowers I found on the walk to the graveyard or in our garden.

I talk to you about the little things and the big things, everything, because with you it was always easy. I stay my whole afternoon close to you and the mornings I just stay in bed mostly, because sometimes it’s just too hard to get up. The pain is too strong.

But I always tell myself that the afternoon I’ll be with you and it gives me the energy to go but everything else is dull without you. Life is dull, sleeping is dull, eating is dull.

Every time I go see you I’m glad you can’t see my face, I probably look like shit, I’m always in a hangover. I pass my evening’s drowning in alcohol, to just smooth the edges and forget the pain. To feel numb.

I resigned the aurors a month ago, I wasn’t able to physically work, I barely manage to get out of bed to go see you every day, so working as an auror would be impossible, I never truly liked this job anyway so it was time, Kingsley wasn’t happy but he can fuck off.

You must wonder why I’m writing if I tell you everything at the graveyard? Well writing to you just feeds my hope that if you’re one day a ghost or a portrait you’ll read them or that maybe you’re not dead? Maybe you’ll come back and you’ll read those letters and you’ll know I truly loved you.

Today is my birthday, but without you it’s not the same, Ron and Hermione are trying to cheer me up but I’m in so much pain that nothing can make me happy anymore except you coming back.

I locked myself in our cottage after going to see you and before, and during my little trip to the cemetery I always use a disillusionment charm to not be recognized even if nobody knows me here since it’s muggle I’m always scared someone will recognize me.

So no one came or at least could enter and talk to me and it’s better like that, I may have drank a bit more than the usual but it’s okay I’ll survive. What’s the worst? That I puke my guts? Fine to me.

Sometimes my ideas are dark but I don’t listen to them, at least not yet. Anyway today is my birthday yay, I’m turning 25 this year just like you should have. But it’s too late now, you’ll be 24 forever.

Im laughing at myself right now, two empty bottles of fire whiskey across me and I’m writing this drunk. Perfect. You probably won’t ever read those letters anyway so why does it matters so much? I should go now or leave my quill, whatever we say when we finish a letter.

I love you. H

Chapter Text

2nd of November 2005

Draco,

Did you know that today, in the muggle world, they celebrated the soul of dead people or as they say, today is the commemoration of the faithful departed, or just honor to the dead I guess.

I learnt that when I went to the flower shop to buy a rose for you, the lady at the counter asked me who I was honoring, at first I was confused but after she explained and I said I was honoring my family.

So, you, my mother and father, Fred and Sirius. But also others who had an important impact on my life, Snape, Remus, Tonks, Dobby and Dumbledore, all of you made who I am today.

So I took a flower for everyone and a large bouquet just for you, I went to all the cemeteries with a glamour (when needed only of course) and I did a little chat with everyone I gave a flower to, or the graves if you prefer.

I wish I was with you, but it’s too selfish, sometimes I have half a mind to brew a potion wrong and drink it, maybe it’ll ease the pain like the alcohol? Or it could kill me, nobody knows.

I miss you so much, it’s so fucking hard, I’ve smashed half of the furnitures in the house, not that I care, nobody ever comes anyway, since I’ve closed every possible way to come into the house, I don’t even let owls come in.

I’m so pathetic, not even able to face myself in the mirror, I feel disgusting, like I should have died and not you, but now it’s too late, sometimes I think to the razor blades in the drawers or the muggle medication and what they could do if I took it all?

I don’t eat anymore nor sleep, I just stare at the ceiling endlessly in the dark. I tried once to send you one of my letters, the owl gave it to your grave. I cried all night after that. It feels so unreal.

The nightmares came back, you always made them go away, with you I felt safe, but now I’m all alone and it scares me. I dream about you dying again and again in different agonizing ways and me watching doing nothing at all, helpless. Every time I wake up it shatters my heart a bit more, and makes me drink more, to forget.

Sometimes I dream of the past, the Dursley’s, Voldemort. It’s not pleasant really, so I just stopped sleeping. I still have the address of the mind healer you gave me when I was feeling so low that my world was grey. But I can’t bring myself to owl them. So I don’t and just sink deeper. What’s the point?

Good night Draco, it’s late, not like I’ll sleep anyway,

I love you. H

Chapter Text

December 25th, 2005

Draco,

Last night I thought about jumping from the roof of a building, my life makes no sense anymore without you.

Last week I was in St Mungo because I drank too much, Hermione dragged me there against my will but I was dying so she didn’t care.

I want to die, I hate you, why did you do this to me? I thought you loved me but clearly I was wrong I loved you and you left.

Life isn’t worth it anymore, tonight I’m gonna end it so I’ll be with you again. The pain will finally stop.

“Shit” I said, the floo was open and someone got in, I quickly grabbed the letter and put it in a drawer before locking it and putting a smile on my face, one that didn’t quite reach my eyes.

I quickly ran to the living room, Hermione was here. “Hi Hermione, what are you doing here?” I asked surprised to see her in the middle of the afternoon on Christmas Day.

“You know why I am here, Molly wants you at the burrow Harry, please come, for her at least.” She looked sad and seeing the dirty clothes that hung on Harry’s body like they were three sizes too big didn’t arrange anything.

“I can’t, not this year, I need to be alone, please, tell Molly I’m sorry” I looked defeated, broken. “Harry, I can’t let you alone, knowing what happened last week and you know it” she said her eyes never leaving mines.

I had to look away “I’ll be fine I can handle myself!” I said a bit angrily but in truth more embarrassed knowing it wasn’t true. My life was a mess and I wanted to die, today.

“You’re coming and you’re putting fresh clothes on, you look like a garbage bag Harry, when was the last time you had a shower and fresh clothes on?” I knew she wasn’t wrong, since St Mungo I didn’t do anything except lie in bed all day or drinking myself into oblivion, again.

“It’s fine, now please I’ll come around soon I promise I just need some time to myself tonight” what a good liar I make, I thought m. “Harry, you’re coming, end of the discussion” she looked like she was scolding a little boy.

“I am not a fucking child!” I yelled. “Then stop acting like one and make an effort to come” now I truly felt like a small child again, yelled at by aunt Petunia, great. It wasn’t Hermione’s fault but it hurts to remember this time of my life.

“You know what! Fine! I’ll come, but if it turns out bad it will be your fault.” I stormed out of the room, fuming, realizing what I just said, guilt storming over me like a wave of agony.

I didn’t even bother to get all fancy, I knew I would leave just by the look on their faces. I came back to the living room, Hermione was still here.

“It will do, now come on we are late already” she quickly took my hand before apparating to the burrow and going inside with me by her side. I truly looked like I’d rather be anywhere else.

I felt guilty, so much guilt, after all they were my family. But after what happened earlier this year I couldn’t face their pity not when the wound was still raw. When I got inside with Hermione I instantly regretted giving in to her. All of them looking at me in absolute silence.

I felt my breath quickening and my eyes blurring, I couldn’t do this, not now, I heard someone talk but I didn’t care, I ran out the door in the garden and disapparated in a second, I heard Hermione scream my name at the top of her lungs, but it was too late, I was already gone.

Arrived home, I locked everything, warded everything, no one could enter except owls. It was a miracle I didn’t splinch myself with the state I was in. I fell to my knees, breath coming in short pants, tears falling without me noticing, I couldn’t do this anymore.

I woke up hours later, it was dark outside and I was on the floor of the living room, cheeks dry from tears. I casted a quick tempus and saw it was already 2 a.m. “Shit” I quickly got up, on wobbly legs and headed to my bedroom, it used to be our bedroom.

I took my wand and summoned my razor before tearing it apart, blades, that’s what I truly wanted, to draw on my skin, like an artist, to feel the blood dripping and to feel devoid of any emotion. My blood kept falling, my health wasn’t the best, I barely ate or drank anything besides alcohol so my coagulation wasn’t the best.

The blades fell off my hand on the floor, I didn’t care, nothing mattered anymore. I just cleaned my right arm with a scourgify before slumping on my bed and falling asleep, hoping this nightmare would soon be over, hoping it was his last Christmas on heart and the next would be by the side of his soulmate.

I knew it probably wouldn’t be enough to kill me, I was dehydrated and malnourished but not stripped of my mind.

But I still hoped that maybe I would bleed to death. I felt so exhausted of life everything was just becoming too hard to bear.

After all, everyone would be better off without me, I was just a fucking burden, dragging everyone down with me, being such an ass with everyone, people walking on eggshells around me, they shouldn’t have to do that. So without me everything would come back to normal right? Everyone would be happy again, or so I thought.

All I wanted was to be with you just one more second, but I knew my hope was just a waste of the little energy I had left.

I’m sorry I’m such a loser. I love you Draco, forever.

H