Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

BANG

The door flung open with a force that might as well have lifted it off the hinges. A boy of no more than nineteen years rushed into the room, breathing heavily with his face flushed after having sprinted all the way here, his black hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. His lungs stung in protest, and he felt like puking, but he didn’t care as he barged in.

Warm sunlight shone through the large arched windows and illuminated the scene before him. The boy’s eyes quickly fell upon the two women that knelt on the light wooden floor. The older, clutching the hands of the younger, who was rather a girl than a woman, whipped her head around at the sound. Her eyes were bloodshot as tears streamed down her face.

“Y—you’re finally here”, she sobbed. “Please, I don’t know what to do. This can’t be happening. I—I tried everything but I don’t have enough Time left. I even…” Her voice faded as her gaze returned to the girl and their shaking joint hands for a moment.

 She seemed to tighten her grip while the younger tried to gently free hers as she quietly begged her mother to stop. Only now did the boy notice the faint red glow that seemed to flow out of the older and into the girl. However, his petrified mind could not yet decipher those signs.

“Please mom, stop it! He’s here now, there’s no reason to pay with your life. It’s not worth it mom, please”, the girl begged, now louder, and she too was crying.

Only at those words did it click in the boy's brain. He broke loose of the paralysis that had overcome him at the sight. Just as fast as he had rushed into the room before, he took two steps closer and ripped the woman’s hands from the girl’s, his eyes so wide you could see the fear behind them reaching deep into his soul.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, mom?!”, he snapped as he took his sister’s hands instead.

He tried to hold back his tears, keep a clear head. Someone had to keep a clear head. But he could barely contain the panic that wanted to take hold of his body.

Usually, his mom would scold him gently for how he just spoke to her, but usually he would never speak to her like that in the first place. Usually. This wasn’t usual. At least it shouldn’t be.

Nevertheless, it was a reality they faced, a stress they had to bear. His sister's condition had been getting worse and worse in a downwards spiral for years, losing more and more of her Time.

He thought he had found a way to heal her. To stop the decline. However, when he got the message today and started to sprint home, leaving all his belongings behind, he knew he had failed.

The boy started to mumble a spell, his fingers drawing complicated characters onto his sister’s soft palms. This wasn’t the first time he had done this and by now he knew the spell by heart.

“I d—didn’t know what to do. The Timekeeper was empty, and I don’t have enough Time left to do the spell, but you weren’t home. I—I had to do something”, his mother rambled in a choked voice, “It’s only been a few days. They n—never come this shortly after another. I didn’t have time to…”

 “This is my fault”, he interrupted. The pain in his voice cut deep into her already aching heart.

She shook her head vehemently, but her son didn’t even look at her anymore. His eyes had found the device on his sister’s wrist. A silver watch with a slim, light-blue leather wristband that wrapped elegantly around her delicate wrist.

He had tried not to look at it, out of fear what he might see. How little Time of his sister's magic remained. Yet he knew that he needed to know and had turned her hands slightly to glance at the dial.

The boy thought he was prepared for what awaited him there, but when he hesitantly set his eyes on it, it was as if someone had dug a hole right down to hell and pushed him into the darkness of this all devouring abyss.

The indicators for years and months already displayed two menacing zeroes, and as his gaze met the indicator for days, he witnessed it tick down from three to two. Only two days left of her magic.

He knew this didn’t mean literal days, although he would have wished for that in that moment. It was like a countdown where he had missed everything except the moments before it reached the end.

And he knew very well what lay at the end. His sister’s life-time. After that, her death.

The watch hands rushing counterclockwise underlined the dreadful urgency of what was happening at this moment and as realization hit him, he felt like his heart would stop any second.

No. Not his.

Hers.

With shaking hands, he frantically drew the characters he knew all too well and mumbled the familiar words. He had to stop this. No. His mind was beginning to feel numb as panic ultimately settled in.

One day left. No. No. No. What are the words again? Which character is next? No. He knew them by heart. Not now. He tried to breathe and steady himself, but his breath hitched in his chest and he felt like he was choking on it. Hot tears now formed at the corners of his eyes, his face devoid of all color except the redness of his eyes. 

Zero days. Twenty-three hours left. The watch hands were blurry before his eyes that were now clouded with tears. Save her.

His hands that needed to draw the characters felt like they didn’t belong to him anymore, they wouldn’t listen, his breath that he needed to cast the spell was stuck in his lungs.

Hands gripped him from somewhere, he didn’t know who they belonged to. He heard his mother scream. What did she scream? He didn’t know. Blood was rushing in his ears like a raging river and drowned out all sounds.

Ten hours. Somehow the boy managed to choke out the remaining words, he was almost at the end of the spell.

Nine hours. If only he had come sooner. If only he wouldn’t have left this house today; left her alone. It was all his fault. If only he hadn’t tried this spell yesterday. It was his fault.

Five hours. The hands that didn’t belong to him but were still attached to his body twitched and moved.

Four hours. All his remaining self-control was focused into his hands. Only two more characters.

Three hours. His fingers shakily drew the shapes. Please work. Please save her. Save her.

Two hours.

Just as he finished the last shape, he felt his magic flowing into his hands and streaming into his sister's body.

One hour. He had done it. Right?

The boy finally lifted his teary eyes up to look at his sister's face. He had avoided to look at her until now. Big sparkly eyes blinked back at him. It seemed like she had stopped crying, although her round cheeks were still wet. Through all this mess her black hair still flowed in silken strands down her back and bangs framed her small face. She looked incredibly young, despite being in her teenage years.

It was this softness she had. Not only in her cheeks and general physique, but also in her eyes and demeanour. Through all those years where they battled this disease, with death as a constant looming companion, even when he had gotten frustrated and disillusioned, she never lost her comforting smile.

As if she was the one taking care of him and their mother and not the other way around.

Even at this moment, even though she was at the brink of losing not only every single drop of the Time needed to cast magic, but the time needed to live, when his eyes caught hers, he was met with only gentleness. Behind them although lay a sense of knowing.

The magic stopped flowing from the boy’s hands. He did it. Relieved he pulled his little sister into his arms and held her as if he would never let go of her again. He felt her arms close around his waist, her face buried at his chest.

A hand pulled at his arm roughly, urgently. Panicked. Panic?

Looking up, he was met with the sight of his mother, her face seeming to drown in tears and still screaming as she clutched her daughter's arm with both hands as if to hold her in place. As if she would drift away if she didn’t.

Confusion spread over the boy's face, but suddenly he knew why his mother seemed like she was begging some higher being for mercy. No, he didn’t know, he felt. This kind of energy that lay in the air wasn’t necessarily something familiar, but he had felt it before. When he entered the room earlier. When his mother used her life-time to perform a spell.

The boy slowly turned to his sister, who was still sitting on the floor in front of him. The knowing look in her eyes was clearer now, as a red glow encompassed her body. The air smelled metallic, but not quite like blood. He felt as though his heart and soul had already been torn out of his body but were now thrown to the floor, trampled and slaughtered, leaving only tiny unrecognisable pieces.

While the numbness again spread in his mind and his body began to shake anew, her hand reached up to his face to rest at his cheek. To make him look into her eyes. Her thumb caressed his cheek gently, wiping his tears away.

She was ready. He wasn’t. He had failed to keep his promise. He had failed to protect her. No, not failed. It was his miscast spell yesterday that had triggered the relapse, he knew it. They never came this close to one another.

And today he had been too late. He killed her. It was his fault. It was me. He killed his sister. It was his magic that failed her.

You killed her.

While his mind spiralled, he only dimly noticed the tears that formed in his sister's eyes after all. She smiled sadly at him and their mother. It was a goodbye.

Her mouth formed words he couldn’t understand while his world crumbled and fell in the same moment as her hand from his cheek.

“T-TAEHEE!!”

Chapter Text

“-gyu! Beomgyu!”

He felt a light shaking on his left leg under the table while he opened his eyes, still feeling drowsy. Slowly blinking against the bright morning sun that fell through the window, he looked up. When his eyes met the disapproving gaze of Mr Cha, who was towering right in front of his desk, Beomgyu suddenly jolted awake like being hit with a bucket full of ice water. Fuck. He had fallen asleep in class again.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to pay attention or that the magic they learned here was boring, quite the opposite. He was just so tired.

Beomgyu had been awake until the early morning again, his mind tormenting him with a million thoughts that seemed to fight for his attention in complete disarray, tumbling all over each other. As usual, he had just given up at one point and gotten up to be productive at least. If he couldn’t sleep, he might as well practice some spells to ramp up his Time. After all, his Time was the main reason he even went down this agonising spiralling of thoughts every night.

His eyes found the silver watch on his wrist, displaying twenty-four hours instead of twelve, as well as days, months and years. It wasn’t that he needed to know the time of day, he knew the sun would be rising in a couple of hours. Rather, he checked for his Time. The Time he needed to perform magic. And unlike everybody else, he monitored his closer than a hawk its prey.

3 years, 5 months, 23 days, 13 hours, 52 minutes and 47 seconds.

Beomgyu knew it would be pointless to remember all those numbers. The next time he would check, he would have already lost at least a few minutes without even using them for a spell. They’d be gone, just like that. It was incredibly unfair that he put in all this work, just to lose his hard-earned Time to this damn disease, and not to all the fascinating spells he learned in the past twenty years. And to make matters worse, he now had to fight insomnia and his resulting sleepiness in class as well. As if he wasn’t enough disadvantaged in life.

“Mr Choi, this is the third time you fell asleep in my class, and it is only Tuesday. What is the matter with you?” Mr Cha’s strict voice pulled Beomgyu from his wandering thoughts back into reality.

“I’m incredibly sorry, Sir. I struggle to sleep. It won't happen again!”, he quickly answered with a lowered head before he straightened his spine again to sit more upright. He could sense Soobin’s concerned gaze from the side, as usual when the older boy had to gently wake him up during lessons. Yet his focus remained on his teacher, who was still standing in front of him, his arms crossed before of his chest. Beomgyu feared for a moment that he had already crossed a line and catapulted himself on Mr Cha’s bad side after only three weeks of class. But the man only sighed and shook his head lightly.

“I understand that moving to a new place can be challenging for some. But after a few weeks, this shouldn’t be a problem you carry to class anymore. You are all adults and here on your own volition, so I expect that you treat this class with importance and respect.” He glanced around the classroom, as if to see if not only Beomgyu but everyone had gotten the message.

Beomgyu followed his gaze. A few students nodded, some others quietly mumbled “Yes, Sir”.

Everyone seemed to be either annoyed or embarrassed on his behalf, which was understandable considering this wasn’t the first time this had happened in the short period they had been here.

However, with that, the topic seemed to have been dealt with to their teacher's satisfaction, as he only nodded shortly and walked back to the front of the class.

“As I explained earlier, the words for the invisibility spell are generally not a problem most of you will face during practice, but rather the characters. Most parts of them should not be new to you, but some others are quite tricky”, he picked up where he apparently left off during Beomgyu’s nap. He turned to the board hanging on the wall behind him, summoned a piece of chalk from somewhere and began drawing some characters on the black surface with swift strokes.

Beomgyu indeed recognised two of them in mere seconds, but the other two looked like a complicated mess of lines that formed shapes he had never seen before. He sighed. This was going to be a piece of work to learn. On the bright side, practicing more complicated spells would grant him more Time in return, and for him, more Time was all he needed. But although the characters looked complicated, he was still slightly confused. This didn’t seem nearly enough for such an advanced spell like casting invisibility on someone.

It seemed like his confusion was written so clearly on his face that Soobin next to him saw this as his signal to lean over and whisper, “We are only doing invisibility on small objects today, nothing bigger than pens. Later, we will move on to bigger objects, but Mr Cha said living beings won’t be something he will be able to teach us here. That’s university stuff, if anything.”

Beomgyu nodded in understanding. It made sense. Doing spells on living beings was always an entirely different level of magic than most other kinds like elemental magic, usually requiring massive amounts of Time to be performed. Definitely not something he should ever consider doing.

“I don’t know how long I was gone, did I miss anything else?”, asked Beomgyu as he started to copy the characters from the board.

“Not really, he only said we’ll do the pronunciation in two days and until then he wants us to be able to draw the characters from memory. Although I don’t know how we are supposed to do that. Shit.” Soobin had tried to copy the second character from the board, but because of the many strokes he had gotten confused while talking to his desk neighbour, which resulted in something that looked more like a child’s scribble than anything related to a magic spell. He let out a frustrated noise, crossing out the abomination he had created.

“Well, that might not be invisibility, but for sure some great alternative to obscure something from sight”, Beomgyu commented with a slight giggle. He thought about playfully nudging Soobin’s side, but quickly abandoned this thought for now. They had only known each other for a few weeks after all and he wasn’t quite sure if they were at this stage yet, despite the older boy seeming incredibly approachable and comfortable around him in every way.

His reaction now only confirmed this, as he only groaned while rolling his eyes and flashing him a dimply smile. “Just shut up, Beomgyu.”

Returning the grin brightly, Beomgyu wanted to add something to tease Soobin even further but was interrupted by Mr Cha audibly clearing his throat while again looking very displeased. He readied himself for another scolding, but it didn’t come. Instead, the tall man at the front just pushed his horn-rimmed glasses up and continued explaining the stroke order. Apparently, they were already at the third character. Damn it.

Beomgyu glanced at the notes in front of him, where only a single character adorned the otherwise empty page. Unfortunately, of all things, the second one was especially complicated and the arrows that supposedly indicated the stoke order and direction were impossible to follow without the teacher's instructions.

Great, so now I not only fell asleep today, but I also missed basically the entire content of todays lesson just now, on top of the class I missed last week. Just great, he thought and slumped back in his chair in frustration. It creaked and it sounded like a scream of agony. He never thought he would someday relate to a chair like he did now, but here he was. Scribbling down what he could decipher of the drawing on the black board, he swore he would pay attention to the rest of this class and all future classes like no other.

However, he knew that wouldn’t actually happen.

“No, sorry Beomgyu, I actually can’t today. I’m meeting a friend from the other class. Maybe tomorrow?” Soobin threw his pen and notes in his bag while looking at Beomgyu apologetically. He genuinely seemed to be upset he had to decline the younger’s invitation to grab something to eat and study together in the afternoon. Not that there was any reason to be upset, Soobin was just too nice. He knew how much Beomgyu struggled with sleepless nights and the resulting shortcomings in class, despite not being aware of the reason.

Beomgyu hadn’t told him about his illness; actually, he told no one and he also didn’t plan to. Obviously, his parents knew, as well as some friends from back home, but he really didn’t want to be pitied or treated any differently because of it. There wasn’t anything that could be done to help him anyways. No cure existed for it, and neither did anybody care to find one. His disease was just too rare. He didn’t know the exact numbers, but it could really only be a handful of people in the entire world, as he had never met or even heard of a single other person with the same condition anywhere even remotely near him.

“It’s fine, don’t apologise. So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”, he asked Soobin and tried to look as cheerful as possible to make his friend lose the worried look that he wore way too often for Beomgyu’s taste. It seemed to work, as Soobin’s heart-shaped lips pulled into a smile and his deep dimples appeared on his soft cheeks again.

“Sure!”

He really looks like personified gentleness, Beomgyu thought.

Exactly this thought had been the reason he had approached the tall boy in the first place, even before knowing they would also share a bathroom in their dorms. A month ago, they all had been standing on the campus, most of them looking like lost puppies, while waiting for the resident director who was supposed to assign them their rooms. With his height, Soobin had stuck out of the small crowd, even though he apparently tried to appear smaller, with his slumped posture, to blend in as much as he could. When they were finally being picked up and began to move, Beomgyu carefully positioned himself next to him, being sure that this boy couldn’t hurt a fly; but in his nervousness, he just started to ramble about this and that.

To his delight, the tall boy had listened to all his nonsense without complaint and had even looked like he tried his best to sincerely listen to everything that was thrown his way. Therefore, Beomgyu had ultimately decided that this was now his new friend.

And to both their surprises it then turned out they were room neighbours with a shared bathroom— it really seemed like fate that out of all people he decided to befriend Soobin, who threw him a first dimpled smile before he entered his room. That had been three weeks ago, and without even knowing how, they both had already gotten closer at a rapid speed, like it just clicked between them.

They now walked out of the classroom together and into the bright hallway of the building. The high ceilings were arched, just like the tall windows that allowed the sun outside to illuminate the long corridors. Following the wooden staircase that reminded Beomgyu of the red oak stairs in his parent's house, they finally left the building through the heavy double doors outside. Warm air and the smell of freshly cut grass greeted them as soon as they stepped out into the sun.

“Uhm... I have to go in this direction.” Soobin pointed to the right side of the campus where the dormitories of the other class were located. Because of the limited space in each of the buildings, they had to split up the students; and for convenience they had decided to just give each of the two classes their own dorms. Whoever designed the campus had put those two buildings at opposing ends of the site instead of next to each other, separated by the green area at the centre of the campus. Maybe the architect really liked symmetry.

“Now you’re just making it awkward”, Beomgyu commented teasingly. “Could have just said ‘Aight see ya tomorrow’ and went on your merry way.” He laughed and started to imitate Soobin by pointing in the direction of their dorm and saying in his best impression of his friend, “I have to go in this direction.”

Bantering with Soobin was all he needed right now to momentarily pull his mind from all the worries that began to rush through his mind again, now that it wasn’t occupied with something else anymore. Fortunately, the older responded really well to his teasing and seemed to sense whenever Beomgyu needed to have those moments.

“You know, if you continue, I might have to go in this direction more often”, Soobin countered and raised his eyebrows while trying give his face a challenging expression. Beomgyu only laughed at this.

“Bold of you to assume you could get rid of me this easily”, he giggled, “But maybe you should have thought of that before you left the bathroom door open. I have some good blackmailing material now, you know. Who knows what I’ll do if you abandon me.”

“As if. Also, I don’t care if you come in, we’re both men after all”, Soobin tried to dismiss the last comment, but the slight red blush that coloured his big ears now exposed him. Beomgyu was sure Soobin just regularly forgot that the bathroom was actually a shared space between the two of them and not only his own, along with the fact that they both in fact genuinely didn’t mind if the other came in while they were brushing their teeth shirtless.

However, last week Soobin had been stark naked and about to shower when Beomgyu burst in. No matter how well they got along and how comfortable they felt with each other, they weren’t that comfortable yet. Nevertheless, he loved teasing his friend with this, as the reaction he got never disappointed. He just had to make sure not to overdo it, he was sure Soobin would die of embarrassment otherwise— and that would be the real shame.

“Anyways”, Soobin said, dragging the vowels of the word, “I have to go now, Kai’s probably waiting. Their class ended like an hour ago. I really feel like Mr Cha is torturing us on purpose… Well, see you later at the dorm. Or tomorrow. Try to get some sleep tonight, okay?” Ah, there was the concerned look again.

“I’m not doing it on purpose.” He rolled his eyes heavily, but although he felt uncomfortable to be the cause of concern, he appreciated that someone cared about him. “Have fun with your friend. See ya!” Beomgyu waved, and Soobin also lifted his hand to wave back before he turned around and quickly hurried down the stone-paved way.

After he disappeared behind some trees, Beomgyu suddenly deflated like a broken tire. It felt like Soobin had taken all the easiness and laughter with him, leaving him with the sudden weight of the baggage he carried in secret and had only forgotten for some blissful moments.

His eyes automatically found his watch, a habit he had developed over years and probably wouldn’t ever lose again. He had lost about an hour and a half since he last checked at noon. No change in pace. That was good. The loss of Time had remained steady for some months now and his last relapse lay back even longer. Beomgyu forced himself to take a deep breath, closed his eyes and tilted his face towards the sun to let its warm rays caress his face. No worsening was all he could wish for.

You’re doing okay, he tried to comfort himself, but in his heart, he just wished someone would pull him into their arms, stroke the back of his head and whisper those words in his ears like his mom always did every time he had felt especially anxious. But she wasn’t here, and he would not get to see her for a while, as the terms here lasted over half a year.

This time frame had seemed odd to him at first, but it made sense considering the goal of their studies here was to gather the required five years of time for university application. General school ended in May and only few students actually managed to accumulate this amount of Time during those years at school.

Gathering Time for magic took nothing but continuous practice, the more you practice, the more Time you’ll get. The harder the spells you practice, the more Time you will generate. But which teenager liked to spend hours and hours on end studying complicated characters and practicing pronunciations over and over?

That was why most who wished to attend university had to enrol in special preparation schools, where they could live on campus to solely focus on practicing. Usually, after one of the long terms there, the majority was ready to take the university entrance exams that took place ever year in June.

Beomgyu opened his eyes again and began to make his way to the cafeteria. It was a weird time to eat, in the middle of the afternoon, but he was hungry and didn’t know what else to do right now anyways. Of course, he would need to figure out the characters for the invisibility spell later and practice them. Nevertheless, there was no way he would do that on an empty stomach.

Passing a group of laughing classmates, who were sitting on the grass in the shadow of the cherry trees that framed the centre of the campus, he headed in the direction of the smallest building on the site. It was built in the same style as the big main building he had just left, only with even bigger windows that stretched from the floor all the way up to the tall ceiling. Inside, a handful of students sat together, animatedly discussing something while eating. Most of the seats, however, were empty, which made sense considering the time. The room would be filled to the brink with chattering students in a few hours when it was time for dinner.

After he entered the building, he headed straight to the service counter, where a familiar friendly round face greeted him with a with a smile. For some reason the women in charge of the cafeteria, a tiny older lady with grey hair that was always neatly bound into bun on top of her head, really seemed to like Beomgyu. Although she was incredibly nice to every single one of the students, her smile appeared to become even wider when her watery eyes found him in the crowd. Additionally, he suspected her of giving him small extra amounts of food or selecting especially juicy pieces of meat whenever he wasn’t feeling well. Somehow, she seemed to sense when he needed some additional attention and care. And today, this sense seemed to tingle again.

“Beomgyu!”, she exclaimed with a voice that was just as cheerful as the smile that wrinkled the corners of her eyes.

“How are you today, my dear boy? I didn’t see you earlier at breakfast. Don’t tell me this is the first time you’re eating something today.” At the last part, her voice change into a slightly scolding tone and her smile lost some of its radiance.

“Uh yeah. I mean I ate an apple before I went to class…”, he started but was instantly interrupted.

“An apple? Oh dear, that really cannot be counted as a meal! You must be starving!”

Now visibly agitated, she started to pile huge amounts of meat and vegetables onto a plate without hesitation and when it seemed to disappear under the abundance of food, she grabbed a bowl and ladled generous scoops of steaming soup into it. When she was finally satisfied, she arranged it on a small wooden tray and pushed it resolutely in front of Beomgyu.

Raising a warning finger at him and without leaving any room for discussion, she said, “I don’t want to see a single leftover piece of meat on this plate when you leave. I will see you tomorrow at breakfast.”

With a rueful look on his face, Beomgyu reassured her he would eat every single piece and never skip breakfast in the future; and only after she seemed satisfied did he scurry away to a table in a corner of the seating area.

At least the thing with the extra food wasn’t just a hunch anymore.

It could be considered a miracle that he managed to finish the meal that could have fed two grown adults, and he definitely felt like he would need to roll out of the cafeteria rather than walk.

Studying really was the last thing he wanted to do right now, his mind picturing his bed instead of the library he was now headed towards. It couldn’t be helped, though, as he still had to make up for his nap in class, as well as the missed class last week where he hadn’t attended at all due to a splitting headache that could only be the consequence of sleeping four hours a night at most. Soobin had handed him his notes from that day and promised to revise the spell with him, but they hadn’t gotten to it yet, and Beomgyu didn’t feel like he could demand even more of his friend than was already offered to him.

Therefore, he decided to take it into his own hands to catch up, although when he found a quiet corner in the library and pulled out the sheets of paper, he quickly realised that Soobin’s notes… weren’t great, to put it nicely. The characters seemed to have been written in haste and the pronunciation wasn’t written down at all. Some additional writings at the bottom of the page gave Beomgyu some more clues about how to practice the spell, but he really could have needed his friend's explanations to understand everything. Sighing heavily and blinking against the fatigue that started to slowly set in, he got up to look for the right books.

This would be a longer session.

It was pitch black outside when Beomgyu finally left the main building the library was located in. The night’s air was still warm, and stars twinkled in the sky next to the slim crescent of the waxing moon. Only chirping crickets and Beomgyu’s footsteps filled the silence as he made his way to the dorm building, a small flame in the palm of his hand lighting the path.

He had stayed longer than initially planned, so long in fact that the ancient looking librarian asked him to leave before he himself went home. Like suddenly emerging from a tunnel, Beomgyu had snapped out of his practice to swiftly pack his stuff and leave. At least he had been able to catch up like he had planned, as well as getting to actually try the spell from his missed class last week. To his delight it had granted him almost three hours of Time, although he had only practiced for one at that point.

He looked at his watch and quickly calculated, coming to the conclusion that he had lost about eight hours today, which remained consistent over the last few months. Today, however, he had only made approximately four hours and twenty minutes back, still leaving him at a loss. Not what he would call a successful day.

Concentrated on calculating, he at first didn’t register what came into view through his tired eyes as he let them wander around the area in thought. When he did, Beomgyu suddenly stopped in his tracks, squeezed his eyes against the darkness and stared at the grassy middle of the campus, the same spot where the students had ben sitting this afternoon on his way to the cafeteria.

There, a person was silhouetted against the swaying blades of the grass. They appeared to be lying on their back, facing the starry sky. Beomgyu couldn't make out if it was a boy or a girl, but he didn't want to get closer to check either. Although he was curious, it felt wrong to disturb this person's peace. There had to be a reason they were lying under the night's sky at this hour, maybe they found comfort in the darkness or the sight if the endless possibilities of the universe that the stars far away promised. It was weird to see someone aside from himself outside, usually everybody was already in their room, as they weren’t supposed to be outside after 11pm. 

Suddenly, the person moved like they had sensed they weren't alone anymore. Although it was still too dark to make out their face, Beomgyu felt their gaze find him, standing between the trees with the small fire illuminating his face. He felt as though he had been caught doing something reprehensible, quickly quenching the flame in his hand and averting his eyes.

Like fleeing from some forbidden activity, he continued to hurry down the path to the dorm building again. Therefore, he did not see how the eyes of the boy on the grass followed him until Beomgyu was swallowed by the darkness of the night.

Knock Knock Knock.

“Beomgyu? Are you up?”, a voice asked from outside his door.

Beomgyu was indeed up, however he was still lying in bed, his long brown hair reaching just above his shoulders at the back in a mess, pyjama still on. He had woken up about half an hour ago, his eyes still heavy but unable to go to sleep again. Not that it would be worth it, he knew it was almost time for breakfast the moment he saw the bright morning sun peeking through the heavy forest-green curtains in front of his window. Still, he had turned around, dragging the blanket over his head to block out the light. He had gotten a little more sleep than the past nights, but his body didn’t feel any lighter, as this handful of hours couldn’t make up for lost sleep from before.

Knock Knock.

“I’m leaving for breakfast now. Do you want to come, or do you want me to wake you up later like yesterday?”, Soobin’s calm voice asked again from outside.

Groaning, Beomgyu moved his heavy limbs to throw the blanket down to the side and sat up, blinking to adjust to the sudden change of brightness.

“I’m coming! Give me a second, okay”, he answered in a husky voice. After all, he had promised the old lady at the cafeteria to never skip breakfast again.

“Sure, take your time.”

He forced himself to stand up and dragged his feet in the direction of the bathroom between his and Soobin’s room. It felt like there was a weight attached to each of his limbs, making his movements slow and even more tiresome. When he finally arrived in the bathroom, after what felt like a whole hike up a mountain even though in reality it had only been a couple of meters, he splashed cold water in his face. Although it helped a little to wake him up, when he looked into the mirror a tired face with puffy eyes and deep dark circles under them stared back at him.

Well, I guess that’s the mood today, he thought while trying to at least fix his hair with a brush that was lying next to the sink on a wooden shelf. He was successful in a way that he deemed himself presentable, so he hurried back into his room to throw on some clothes, grab his bag and opened the door.

“I’m ready, let’s go.”

Soobin was waiting next to the door, his back against the wall. He greeted Beomgyu with a gentle smile on his face, pushing himself from the wall to lead the way.

“You don’t look like you want to be here”, he said with a chuckle, “I’m glad you still decided to join today. I was a little worried yesterday. You okay?”

I know you were worried, it was written all over your face.

“Yeah, sure. Got a little more sleep tonight. Doesn’t look like it, I know”, Beomgyu answered, trying his best to put a cheeky tone in his voice. He was too tired to put in too much energy though, so he wasn’t sure if he succeeded.

They stepped outside into the bright sunlight. Beomgyu’s eyes stung because of the brightness, and he had to squeeze them shut for a moment.

“No, it really doesn’t. I heard you come back quite late yesterday. What were you doing?” There was concern in Soobin’s voice. Again. Just how concerned would his friend be if he found out what was actually keeping Beomgyu awake?

“Oh, you know, after you left me hanging, I went to the library myself to go through your notes. Which were a nightmare to work with, by the way. Do you even know what’s going on in class most of the time?”, he teased and pulled his face into a bright smile, trying to lift the mood.

It seemed to work.

“At least I even take notes in the first place. Where would you be without me?”, Soobin retaliated without missing a beat.

Beomgyu smirked. “Right now, I’d be in my bed sleeping peacefully.”

Their bickering continued all the way to the cafeteria building, where they only stopped because the friendly older lady at the counter had spotted Beomgyu in an instant and made a huge fuss about him actually keeping his promise.

Again, he left the counter with noticeably more food than all the students around him, a fact that did not escape their jealous eyes, which resulted in him getting side-eyed all the way to his favourite table in the right corner of the room at one of the big windows.

“What did you do to the nice old lady? She adores you.” Soobin eyed his piles of food as well while comparing it to his own meek portion.

“It’s just my natural charm”, Beomgyu responded, making a show of leaning back in his chair and ostentatiously tucking his long hair behind his ear. His friend snorted. Faking a frown, Beomgyu leaned forward again to rest his chin lazily on his hand.

“Don’t you laugh; haven’t you fallen for it, too? After all, you’re sitting here with me day in and day out, giving me your notes and spending all your precious time with me?”

Soobin lifted his dark, gentle eyes to meet Beomgyu’s, just holding his gaze for a moment while he chewed his food slowly before he swallowed and answered, “You’re just really easy to be around, you know. Time flies when we spend it together, and I never felt like I had to pretend to be someone I’m not. I usually have a hard time getting close to people, but you just swept in and made it feel effortless. I think that’s why people like you.”

Like in a stupor, Beomgyu blinked while the words started to sink in. That had taken an entirely unexpected serious turn. He had just wanted to keep the mood light, but now he found himself fumbling for words that could express how much this meant to him. He couldn’t find them.

“That’s… really nice to hear. Thank you. Uhm… I really appreciate you always being here for me, you know.”

What a sorry excuse of a response. However, Soobin didn’t seem to care for any heart-capturing speeches in return; he simply gave a satisfied nod and continued to shove big spoonfuls of rice between his lips.

The rest of breakfast was fairly unspectacular; Soobin finished his meal before he started to help Beomgyu with his pile. Their conversation remained light-hearted all the way to class. Still, in the back of his mind, his friend's words bounced around like a bouncy ball, sometimes disappearing behind other thought before jumping back to the more conscious part of his mind mid conversation. Whenever it came to the front, a soothing warm feeling spread through his whole body.

Of course he had a couple of friends back home, some of whom even knew about his illness. However, with them, exactly this was the problem. As soon as they had found out, their behaviour towards him had shifted and all the ease in their interactions had vanished. He saw something shifting in their eyes whenever they looked at him.

It felt like he had lost them.

Although they never left, he had lost the kind of friendship they had before forever and that fact made him incredibly lonely, even in their company.

Now, with Soobin, the stifling feeling of loneliness dispersed like a window had been opened to finally let in a breath of fresh air for his starved lungs. Hearing that the feeling of comfort around each other was reciprocated by his friend reassured him that he did not just leech of Soobin’s good-willed and caring nature but gave something in return.

He smiled at the notes on the desk in front of him, Mr Cha’s voice slowly getting more audibly as he emerged from the depths of his his thoughts. The class had been going on for about an hour at this point, and although Beomgyu did not fall asleep this time, he couldn’t get himself to concentrate, drifting in and out of focus.

“-mber to accentuate the ‘a’”, said Mr Cha at the front, in the middle of a sentence, and pointed at one of the longer words that were written all over the black board.

Beomgyu glanced over to Soobin, who seemed to diligently write down every single word of their teacher. Maybe the comment Beomgyu had made earlier had gotten to him.

As he started to copy those notes, leaning to the side to get a better look, a weird feeling started to creep up his back. Irritated, he straightened back up. It felt vaguely familiar, making his brows pull together while he glanced around.

It feels like last night, his mind reminded him of the encounter yesterday that had made him so uncomfortable he had fled the scene like a criminal. The itching on his neck intensified, leading Beomgyu to slowly turn around to look at the only corner of the classroom he had spared thus far.

Dark, dead eyes stared back at him.

The boy in the backmost seat of the class was someone that him and most of his classmates avoided, as if the light-swallowing darkness around him were contagious. His skin was dull und his black hair had lost all its shine, hanging in a careless mess around his face. He could have been very pretty, with his well-proportioned face with plump lips, big eyes and a straight nose that was rounded at the tip, bordered by a sharp jawline.

Nevertheless, the miserable state he appeared to be in overshadowed his handsome appearance. Beomgyu knew, this boy had experienced something terrible, and this something ate away everything that had defined this person once, replacing it with a swallowing void of misery and sorrow. Feeling all this as their eyes met, Beomgyu whipped his head back around after only a split second, his flight-instinct kicking in just like last night. But today, in this classroom, he had nowhere to go.

Thus, he again concentrated on Mr Cha’s remarks, trying to ignore the crushing weight of the miserable boy’s gaze.

Chapter Text

The world around him was dark. So dark. It was as if every single light-source had been extinguished to leave him in the pitch black, disoriented and without anything to guide him.

As he opened his eyes for another day, sunlight hit his expressionless face, the rays looking oddly misplaced there. He lay in his bed, unmoving and unblinking, staring into the void, the emptiness he’d felt for months now slowly settled again in his body.

There was this ever so brief moment, right after emerging from sleep when his mind still had to adjust to being awake, when he felt almost normal again. Before the blink of an eye, however, it was gone.

Oh, the sheer bliss of the unconsciousness of sleep. If it weren’t for the nightmares, he might as well want to never wake up again.

Taehyun blinked.

Get up, a voice in his head demanded.

He couldn’t.

His whole body felt as though it were made out of stone, just sculptured into the form of a human. No. Rather like a bronze statue— hollow on the inside.

His eyes burned from dryness that he tried to blink away, knowing it wouldn’t help in the slightest.

Heavily, he rolled to the side in an attempt to get off the bed somehow, but it seemed to swallow him between the heavy blanket and the mattress, not letting him go.

Taehyun was too exhausted to fight against the grip the bed had on him, his body that wouldn’t move and his mind that yearned for the relief of unconsciousness.

He gave up, just lying there, waiting for time to pass until sleep would overcome him again.

“NOOOO!!”

Sweat covered Taehyun’s body as he awoke this time, tears streaming down his face and his limbs shaking with an intensity that they seemed to vibrate.

He tried to catch his breath, but it felt as if a giant’s hand crushed his lungs, squeezing out all the air and preventing him from taking a single breath. Disoriented, his eyes darted around the space he was in, but were unable to find any familiarity as his mind lay in chaos.

Taehyun gripped his chest through the damp sweaty shirt with a trembling hand, wishing he could rip out his aching heart and breathless lungs. Each heartbeat reverberated like a thunderclap against the cage of his ribs.

Choking and sobbing alone in this dark, lonely room, he could only wait and hope for the pain that crushed his tired body to stop.

The room around him was buzzing with life.

Taehyun was sitting at a table at the edge of the cafeteria, alone and with a bowl of half eaten stew in front of him. He didn’t really feel any kind of appetite, but he knew that he needed to eat.

His stomach had felt like a maelstrom that could devour worlds, however, when he had started to eat it started to hurt and now, he even felt like he would need to throw up any second.

Taking deep steady breaths, Taehyun tried to somehow calm his upset stomach while he watched the other students in the big room.

Everyone was sitting in groups, laughing and talking, their faces emanating happiness and content around their friends, a good meal in front of them.

When was the last time I looked like this?, he wondered, suddenly feeling a lump rising in his throat that he quickly swallowed as he cast his eyes down again.

Away from all this happiness that he couldn’t be a part of. While their time was still flowing, his had stopped and who knew if it would ever continue again.

He hadn’t slept tonight either.

Taehyun felt as though a thick fog clouded his thoughts, making it almost impossible to process anything that was happening around him.

He was at class— that much he knew— but he could neither remember how he’d gotten here nor what they were doing or if he was even in the right class. All the voices around him sounded like a distant murmuring and his vision was blurred.

He looked around, trying to find anything his eyes could cling to, but to no avail.

That was until his gaze found a girl, sitting across the room, her long hair flowing over her slim shoulder. A small face with soft cheeks and big sparkly eyes were revealed as she turned around.

In that moment, she was the only person in the room he could see clearly in the haze of his vision.

It’s you! You’re here!

She seemed to be smiling at him gently. Taehyun felt the tears burning in his eyes. He was close to jumping up from his chair, not caring for all the other students in the room, to run to her, pull her into his arms and never let go.

However, a quiet voice forced its way to the front of his mind. It squeezed through the tiny gaps of the cage that was his grief to remind him of the cruel reality he was forced to live in.

It can’t be her; you know it. She’s gone. She won’t come back.

The emotions he tried to fight every waking hour were now like a tsunami, crashing into him with the force of a thousand waves, unstoppable. It felt like being pulled into the depths of the ocean, crushed by the pressure of the sea, drowning.

Fighting for air against the sobs that forcefully clawed their way up his throat, Taehyun fled the classroom.

“Mr Kang, please, sit down.”

Taehyun closed the heavy wooden door behind him, the metal handle cold against his touch.

The room that lay in front of him was small, and although it was cramped with a multitude of books and papers, there seemingly was a neat system of order. Not a single book in the many shelf that reached all the way up to the tall ceiling was out of place, all the papers were tucked in folders or kept in separate piles. In the middle of the room, taking up half of the remaining space, stood a bulky desk the colour of dark chocolate.

Behind it sat his teacher, Mr Cha, he remembered. He had his horn-rimmed glasses pushed up all the way up his wide nose and wore a tight expression as he watched Taehyun take a seat on the small, cushioned chair in front of the desk.

“Mr Kang, I assume you are aware of the reason I called you here today?”, asked his teacher. Taehyun nodded.

“Yes, Sir.”

It was fairly obvious as to why he was invited. His attendance to class was poor to put it nicely, basically non-existent in fact; and the times he did show up he never really payed attention to the lesson or even stormed out like yesterday. Or was it the day before? He wasn’t sure.

“Good, then I will get to the point without further ado. To be upfront, Mr Kang, I already contacted your mother about the situation as I was under the impression that I was missing some information in your case”, Mr Cha explained, pulling a letter from one of the piles on his desk while he was speaking.

Catching a glimpse of the writing on the paper, Taehyun felt his blood freeze in his veins. He instantly recognised the small, elegant writing as his mothers; and the page was filled with it from top to bottom.

How much did she tell Mr Cha?

“This is the letter I received earlier today from your mother”, the man behind the desk continued, throwing a glimpse over the borders of his glasses in Taehyun’s direction, before focusing on the letter again. “This indeed cleared up quite a few things for me that I wished I had known previously.”

His face became disapproving as he eyed his student more intensely this time. Taehyun felt uncomfortable under this piercing gaze that seemed to now perceive exactly those pieces of his soul that he so desperately tried to hide and banish.

Nevertheless, all he could do was to carefully hide his emotions from his face, only the nervous fiddling with the bracelet around his wrist revealing the truth, and wait for the older man in front of him to continue.

“As I am now aware of your situation, I do understand how this is a very challenging time for you. However, we should discuss how to proceed from now on. Considering your absences in class, that can certainly be attributed to your unfortunate emotional state, I have to wonder how beneficial this institution can even be for you personally right now. I would like to hear your perspective on this topic, Mr Kang.”

As he pronounced the name, Mr Cha’s gaze intensified once more before he leaned back in his towering chair, folding his hands with the elbows still resting upon the heavy desk. Taehyun remained silent, mind still hung up on his teacher’s words. Challenging situation. Unfortunate emotional state.

He almost laughed out loud hearing those expressions. Such nice words to describe the agony he felt since— No. He couldn’t think of that now.

Fighting to push the thought far far away into the darkest corner of his mind, he felt his left hand twitching as it started to shake. No.

Tucking his hand under his legs to hide this evidence of his unfortunate emotional state, and taking a deep breath, he gathered all the focus he could to guide toward the conversation as he answered, “Thank you for your understanding, Mr Cha. I, uhm, I’m not sure how much my mother has told you in her letter, but she sent me here to— help me, I guess? She wanted me to be among people again while preparing for university. I think she would be very upset if I were to be sent home again.”

This was only partially true. Although she would certainly be upset to see her son suffering just like before she had sent him here, without any change, it was actually Taehyun who didn’t want to return yet. He didn’t want to be a burden to her, with all the crushing darkness that encapsulated him. It was better for her if he stayed away from home for a little while longer.

“I’m aware that I’m asking for a lot from you, Sir, but I would like to continue the term for now and… try”, he therefore concluded.

He wasn’t exactly sure what he would try or how he could possibly manage to live the way this institution required him to. The only thing he was certain about was that his mother deserved the freedom his absence granted her. Maybe that was all he could ever do for her again.

Mr Cha’s brows had pulled together and he seemed to be in deep thought. After a few seconds that felt like they stretched into hours he apparently reached a conclusion.

“Alright, Mr Kang, as your mother has asked me to keep you here as well, I will give you some more time with us in the hopes that you will benefit from it. Nevertheless, I would like to meet again next month to reassess the situation.”

 Mr Cha’s face almost had a sympathetic look before he corrected it into his usual strict expression, making it clear that if the situation were to remain the same until then, he wouldn’t hesitate to send Taehyun home.

“Thank you, Sir”, Taehyun answered, feeling a tiny sense of relieve somewhere buried deep under all the other emotions that cried for attention inside him.

“And Mr Kang”, his teacher added while leaning forward in his chair and pushing his glasses back up, “However hard it may be, I expect more attendance from now on.

Chapter Text

5 years prior

“No, you need to tie it the other way around! What are you doing?!”

Taehyun let go of the slim leather bands in his hands to untie the knot he had just made; apparently, the wrong way.

“Okay, okay. So not like this? Show me then”, he said, offering the leather strings to his sister, who was sitting across the table from him with a scrutinising look on her small face. She snatched the offered item from Taehyun, throwing her own project to the side almost carelessly, a chuckle escaping her plump bow-shaped lips.

“It’s really easy— look!” His sister made a loop with the left string, laying the end over the two in the middle, before guiding the right string under the middle ones and through the loop, finally securing the knot.

Earlier today she had been at the market with their mother and when they returned, her face had beamed from excitement with a bright smile spreading almost all the way up to her ears. Her dainty hands dangled a bunch of leather bands in front of her brother as she disclosed to him that they would be making bracelets together.

Seeing her light up even more after he agreed made a warmth spread through his whole body, like coming home from outside on a long winter day. What he wouldn’t do to see this smile.

Not even an hour later, he found himself now sitting at the worn wooden dining table in their living room, watching his sister explain the steps once again while his eyes followed her slim fingers attentively.

It really was a fairly easy pattern. In truth, he had understood it at her first explanation; but because he knew there was nothing that made his sister happier then when she for once had more knowledge in something than Taehyun, he sometimes liked to pretend.

He nodded along when she finished the demonstration. “Alright, I think I get it now. So, I do it first on the left side, then on the right and just change sides every time?”

“Yes exactly!”, she beamed, handing the unfinished bracelet back to him before picking up her own again. “I also think you should add some beads. They’ll look pretty.”

Rummaging through the small paper box full of colourful beads in every shape and size that stood next to them on the table, she found some that seemed to satisfy her.

In front of Taehyun now lay three silver metal beads that had tiny flowery engravings on them, as well as a couple of smaller ones the colour of pine needles.

He smiled.

She had given him ones she figured he would like, instead of ones akin to the whole rainbow her project slowly turned into. As if he hadn’t agreed to anything she chose without hesitation.  

“Sure, I’ll put them. Do I just slide them on in between and tie them in that way?”, he asked while demonstrating with one of the green beads.

“Yes! I think it’ll look nice if you put two of the green ones, then one of the metallic ones and so on!”, she exclaimed excitedly while examining the progress Taehyun made. “But you can just do it however you want, of course.”

Of course, he would make it exactly like she’d suggested. His sister had a good eye for things like this and he was sure it would indeed look pretty in the end.

They worked for a while, chatting about this and that, their bracelets getting longer and decorated with more and more beads.

Just as they were almost finished, the door to the living room opened with a slight creaking sound, a noise it had made for many years now and that gave it a comforting feeling of familiarity. Through the opened door, their mother peeked into the room.

“I need some help in the kitchen for dinner. How far along are you guys; almost finished?”, she asked in her soft voice while stepping into the room to take a closer look. “Oh, this is beautiful, honey.”

Laying her hands on her daughter's shoulders, their mother marvelled at the item on the table. The beads on the bracelet twinkled in every colour of the rainbow, not at all looking overwhelming to the eye as they were skilfully placed to give a harmonious picture. In between, small flower pendants made from silver further adorned the complicatedly tied leather band.

Taehyun had to agree that it indeed looked stunning, although this only came as a minor surprise to him— his sister had a natural talent for handicrafts and arts.

“Thank you, mom!”, his sister beamed as her face lit up like the rising sun itself. “I want to make one for you, too! Which colours do you want? I think yellow would suit you. Or gold!”

She excitedly reached for the paper box to dig for the mentioned colours. However, her mother gently stopped her, lightly squeezing the shoulders she still rested her hands upon.

“That’s a very nice idea, sweetie, but as I said I need your help with dinner. Let’s make the other bracelet later, yes?”

“Okay”, the girl answered obediently, not being able to hide the hint of disappointment on her young face, however.

Taehyun had only watched silently whilst he finished his own project. He, too, was satisfied with how it turned out; the leather strings not as intricately tied as his sister’s and the beads not as plenty, but he liked the simpler style.

Sliding it on his right wrist, next to the silver watch that he already wore there, he deemed it a kind of accessory he could get behind wearing regularly. He secured the closure before reaching his arm over the table to present his wrist to his sister and mother.

“What do you think, does it suit me?”

“It’s wonderful”, reassured the older woman while his sister exclaimed at the same time, “That’s so pretty!”

A smile spread across his face; he pulled his arm back to touch the bracelet again, turning it lightly to see the pine-green beads catch the light as they revealed their colour.

He knew in that moment that he would wear this until it fell from his arm by itself, brittle from age.

“Sweetie, no. There’s no reason to use your Time for something like this— save it”, their mother’s voice sounded through the kitchen.

Taehyun looked up from the potatoes he was peeling. In front of him, his mother, who had been cutting thin slices of dough to give them the shape of noodles, held her daughter’s right arm with one hand, the other still gripping the knife. Her face had turned strict, a look it seldom assumed.

However, Taehyun quickly recognised that his sister had wanted to perform magic to bring the water in the big pot on the stove to a boil— something his mother would never allow. His sister knew that, nevertheless still trying to cast spells here and there to play around.

It was only natural for a kid of twelve years to experiment with all sorts of magic, as it was usually the age where they started to learn spells aside from basic ones they picked up from home and earlier education.

Although boiling water was not one of those new spells, but a fairly simple one, his sister was not like the other kids her age. While they advanced not only in the spells they knew, but also in the amount of Time they could use to perform them through practice, she faced one major concern.

A disease that gradually robbed her of her Time, ever so slow but steady.

Sometimes, however, she would experience sudden surges in the lost Time whenever she was emotionally unstable or sometimes even at random— making her lose hours, if not days of her Time at once. A relapse.

Yet, the scariest part of this vicious illness what its continuous progression. At first, when his sister had been five years old, only just starting her journey to learn the magic of this world, her very first watch around her tiny wrist, they had not noticed the crawling decrease of the Time displayed there.

Children did not own a lot of Time, those easy first spells and short practice session not granting them a lot of this resource.  As she got older, however, their mother took notice of the lost seconds at first, amounting to minutes just as steadily as his sister’s growth.

Although it wasn’t too bad, even now that she was about to enter her teenage years, their mother was anxious and careful, not letting her use this precious Time for useless magic like boiling a pot of water.

“I’ll do it, mom”, he interrupted their arguing, if it could even be called such, standing up from his chair to cross the room.

There, he ignored his sister’s crushed expression with a heavy heart to draw a quick character over the water that already filled the big iron kettle, muttering the spell as he concentrated his magic to his hands. Instantly, the water began to bubble as heat radiated from it. It was faster than lighting a flame beneath it and didn’t consume any more Time, making it much more convenient this way.

“Thank you, honey, well done”, complimented his mother with a relived smile before she started to slide the cut noodles into the water.

Later, back at the dinner table, they all seemed to have forgotten this small dispute earlier. Especially the women of this family were not the type to hold a grudge over such small things or let it cloud their mood.

The food was delicious, as always; their mother was an incredible cook and Taehyun would swear on his entire Time that nobody could surpass her noodles. Laughter filled the small room as they talked and joked around playfully, a common sight during their mealtime.

It was here where Taehyun felt most at ease, here in the company of his small family, in their cozy home.

As the night turned darker, their giggling slowly subsided whilst they grew more tired. Especially the youngest of the family seemed to now yawn more than not.

“Go to bed, sweetie, it’s already quite late. We don’t want you to be tired tomorrow, don’t we?”, their mother gently proposed while caressing her daughter's silky black hair.

“Yes, mom”, yawned the girl in agreement.

She got up from her chair with slowed movements, wasting no time to obediently make her way to bed.

She never hesitated to do anything she was told to as long as she deemed it reasonable, which made her an easy child to deal with. She had always been that way and Taehyun was sure she had inherited the soothing gentleness of their mother.

“Good night, Taehee!”, they called after the young girl, who now took the stairs up to her room, waving in response.

They did not yet know that after this day, those carefree joyous moments would become agonisingly rare as they would find their lives dictated by fear, ensued in a fierce battle against the clock for Taehee’s already fragile time.

Chapter Text

The library was only dimly lit as rain pounded on the windows, sounding like a roaring applause for the hard-working people inside.

One of those people was Beomgyu, who was bent over a heavy book, flicking through the countless thin-papered pages. Despite it being the weekend, he could not afford to slack off.

Yesterday he had been so exhausted he just wanted to lie down for a few minutes before getting to the homework for the weekend. However, when he had woken up again, darkness greeted him.

Just like that, he had slept for seven hours straight; more than he had gotten in all the past nights. As the library was obviously closed in the middle of the night, Beomgyu had no way to research as he had planned, condemning him to practice spells he already knew which did not provide the biggest Time return.

So, because of those unfortunate events he had to do the work of two days on only one— today. 

We spend so much time in class, how come it is still possible to give us this much homework?, he wondered while squeezing his eyes against the dry stinging from blankly staring at a random page for a little too long.

His mind slipped away more and more as his concentration faded. The words on those pages not even registering in his brain anymore, his eyes only glazing over them— just pretending to read.

I should have taken Soobin’s offer.

Beomgyu sighed.

Earlier, his friend had proposed for them to go for lunch at the cafeteria together where he planned to meet up with Kai and apparently some other friend who was a classmate of Kai's.

"He asked me to bring you along some time, you know", the tall boy had said, shouldering his bag.

While this friend of Soobin's sounded incredibly nice from all Beomgyu had heard so far, he didn't feel like meeting new people today at all.

Although the dark circle under his eyes had faded slightly as a result of the nap he took yesterday and he felt fairly presentable, Beomgyu knew that his thoughts would solely circle around the time he’d lose during this break, both time where he could study and Time literally ticking down on his watch.

It wouldn't be fair to meet Soobin's friends when he couldn't even give them the appropriate amount of attention.

Therefore, he had rejected the invitation and watched Soobin leave after he had thrown Beomgyu a last glance that seemed to say 'I tried'.

Now, the rustling of the pages merged with the sounds of the rain falling outside— a calming sound that made Beomgyu close his eyes for a moment. He felt his ever-racing thoughts become quiet, like being washed away as he listened.

Rain was something he only enjoyed whenever he could watch it from inside; although he liked the sound and the earthy smell, he easily felt cold.

“Beomgyu? Are you asleep?”, a warm voice interrupted the steady noise.

He opened his eyes slowly, almost leisurely and glanced at the person who had spoken through his long eyelashes.

Across the table from him he spotted a tall boy with gentle eyes— Soobin had returned from lunch.

“You’re already back?”, Beomgyu asked, confusion painting his face. He felt like not even an hour had passed since his friend had left.

“What do you mean already, it’s almost been two hours”. Soobin pulled his brows together, apparently confused as well.

“Oh.”

He really hadn’t registered this much time passing. Now, he felt even worse he had decided to stay in the library instead of joining them in the cafeteria.

What a waste of time. As if I can afford that. He was close to banging his head on the table in frustration but could stop himself to the point where he simply rested his forehead on the cool wood as he groaned.

“I can’t believe I didn’t do a single damn thing this whole time”, he explained to an even more confused Soobin, head still on the table.

“I’m sure you did something”, his friend tried to reassure Beomgyu. “And even if not, I can help you from here on and then we’ll be finished in no time. You really need to eat something soon, though. Your cafeteria lady asked for you again.” Soobin chuckled.

Beomgyu slowly raised his head, his long bangs falling into his eyes. “Oh no, she will give me an earful later— again.”

“She for sure will, she told us to relay a message to you: First Strike”, Soobin said with a dimpled grin.

Widening his mouth and eyes in an exaggerated shocked expression Beomgyu gasped, “And what happens at the third strike?!”

“Well, she didn’t tell us that, but nothing good ever happens at three”, responded the older boy, still smiling widely.

He adjusted his chair so he could sit more comfortably at the table and opened a book with a burgundy cover that he had just pulled from his bag.

“Just don’t let it come to that and you’ll be fine. Anyways— didn’t you want me to help you with homework?”

What a killjoy; Beomgyu rolled his eyes visibly, solely to annoy Soobin. The other only made a sound of disapproval in return, but of course, he wasn’t actually annoyed by just that.

However, it was a sign that the fun ended here, and their study session began anew.

“Sooo”, Beomgyu started, dragging the vowel out. “Earlier, I was trying to figure out how this detection spell works. I can’t seem to find my eraser again after I made it invisible.”

He absentmindedly scratched his head.

“And i also can’t seem to find the spell in this darn book. It doesn’t even have a table of contents. Who does stuff like this? This thing is at least a thousand pages long.”

It really was a mystery to him why anybody would write such a long book without any page numbers. He just couldn’t get a hold of its order. This was the reason why he had struggled to make any progress while Soobin had been away— he had to look at every page individually to see if it contained the spell he was looking for.

Of course, this took ages.

“Oh, it’s that book again”, Soobin replied, something like disgust in the glance he threw at the old tome on the table between them.

It was indeed again; this wasn’t the first time they had spent hours looking for specific spells in this book.

“Wait, I think I have my notes somewhere—” Soobin rummaged through his bag for a while, then pulled a bunch of crinkled papers from it and flattened them.

“Ah! There it is. Detection spell, lets see—mmh, okay, so these are the characters and below that are some pronunciation notes, as well as other tips Mr Cha gave us.”

He slid the paper in Beomgyu’s direction who lifted it up to study what was written there. To his surprise, the notes Soobin took were way cleaner than before; however, the characters were a mess as always.

To be fair, that was not entirely his friend's fault, as he had only copied them from the board and Mr Cha’s stroke indicators were a mess as well. Especially for someone who wasn’t present for that part of the lesson and had no chance to remember the demonstrations their teacher had made during his explanation.

He looked up to Soobin.

“You’ll have to explain the stroke order to me. I’m confused”, he commented and shoved the notes back over the table.

“Sure, no problem”, nodded Soobin as he, too, studied the paper.

It turned out that it was indeed a problem.

Although having been present during the lesson and assuring Beomgyu over and over he’d paid attention, Soobin didn’t seem to remember the order himself, also not finding his own notes helpful at all and apologised profusely.

After all that, they still had to find the spell in the damn book, which cost them over half an hour.

When they left the library in the late afternoon, Beomgyu was not satisfied at all with the progress he had made, let alone the Time he’d gotten from studying the characters. Calculating, he concluded that over the last two days he’d lost about twelve hours and twenty minutes total.

It wasn’t too bad but made Beomgyu still feel a little uneasy.

Just as they reached the door of the main building before stepping outside into the rain, Soobin stopped to draw two characters in the air while mumbling the spell.

Shit.

For a short moment, Beomgyu had forgotten that it was still raining and that every normal person capable of magic would cast a spell to protect themselves from the falling water. Umbrellas were only used sparingly, and mostly by people who struggled to perform even the simplest spells— so of course nobody on this campus full of future university applicants owned one.

Although it only cost a few minutes of Time and some additional for keeping it up on the way, he usually avoided casting unnecessary magic.

Yes, he hated the cold, particularly the kind that crept through the whole body when soaking wet clothes stuck to it, but he hated dying even more; and every minute that ticked down from his magic was one that could decide between life and death.

Naturally, once the Time of any person reached zero and they continued to use magic for whatever reason, it would at some point lead to their ultimate demise as their life-time would be consumed from then on. So, technically, everybody inched closer to their death by using magic, but in reality, this train of thought was complete nonsense. Most people would never even come close to that point.

Everyone else focused on building up more Time while managing their usage of spells wisely to only consume just as much as they wanted— or could afford. To most, losing a few hours a day for a couple of minor spells would mean nothing in the grander picture. For Beomgyu, any Time spent on magic just sped up the countdown of his life.

Therefore, he stood in front of the door like being frozen as he realised there was no way around casting this spell as well. Otherwise, he’d have to explain to his friend why he would rather get soaked; and he would definitely not do that.

“Beomgyu? What’s up? Don’t remember the spell?”, Soobin teased lightly with a raised eyebrow.

Beomgyu swallowed before he forced a grin on his face and freed himself from his stupor to playfully slap the taller boy’s back.

“As if. I was just surprised you remembered the characters. Doesn’t seem to be your strong suit”, he retaliated, and his laughter sounded a bit to loud in his own ears.

Passing Soobin, he quickly cast the magic and stepped outside into the rain, forcing himself to not look at his wrist with the silver watch that resided there.

“That’s it for today. Remember that we will use the lesson tomorrow for pronunciation practice, thus, I expect you to know the characters and words from memory. However, you do not have to practice any further than that for today”, Mr Cha concluded the lesson and swiftly cleaned the black board behind himself with a spell.

“I’m glad we went over the spell on Saturday, he really did not touch on the stroke order at all this time,” Beomgyu remarked as he packed his brown leather bag that had definitely seen better days.

Next to him, Soobin nodded in agreement while he gathered his notes in a pile before he shoved them between the pages of a book to keep them from crinkling again.

“I don’t really get his teaching strategy, you know? One day he takes a whole lesson to get down the specifics of some spell and the other he just tells us to somehow do it ourselves; and I don’t recognise any pattern”, complained Beomgyu in a hushed voice so the teacher, who was still sitting only meters away from them on his desk, wouldn’t understand him. Not that this was probable with the buzzing of their classmates around them.

“I’m sure he has some type of plan in mind. I mean, have you seen his Time? One day I caught a glimpse of his watch, and I think it said he has twenty years. Can you imagine that?”, Soobin replied in the same low voice, his dark brown eyes sparkling at the reveal as if he’d discovered some great secret.

Beomgyu could in fact not imagine ever owning this much Time at any point in his life. To him, it sounded like a distant dream. Nevertheless, he widened his eyes in astonishment as he responded, “Really? That’s crazy! Just how much magic does this man know?”

“That’s what I’m saying!”, exclaimed Soobin while still keeping the volume of his soft voice down, side-eyeing their teacher. While they were talking, they had finished packing up their belongings, blending seamlessly with the departing tide of students.

However, just as they approached the exit, Beomgyu’s wandering gaze got caught on the lone figure nestled in the corner near the classroom’s exit. As their eyes suddenly collided, Beomgyu’s body seemed to startle at the unexpected eye contact.

“Oh, he’s here today”, Soobin, who had apparently followed his friend’s gaze, commented in surprise. “He attends class less often than even you”, he continued teasingly, nudging Beomgyu, who had stopped in his tracks.

Beomgyu didn’t intend to stare into those big dark eyes, that seemed to lack the natural light they should have contained, as much as he currently did. In that moment, it was as if he truly noticed the boy at the back of the classroom for the first time.

Of course, he’d seen him before, noticed his miserable state with the dark circles that were deeper than even his own, the dull hair and skin, the darkness surrounding him. Now, however, it was as if he could feel his brain creating a mental file for this person.

“Who is he?”, he asked and tore his eyes from the miserable boy to look up to Soobin.

“I can’t recall his name, but I’ve been thinking that he looks like he could use some company. He looks so sad, and nobody seems to want to talk to him. I didn’t know how to approach him, but I guess you could just ask for his name?”, confessed Soobin, shrugging his shoulders at the last part.

Curiosity had blossomed in Beomgyu like a flower in spring, which was why after hearing those words, his feet automatically carried him towards the table in the corner.

When he arrived there, the boy’s dead eyes were glued to him, and he wondered if they had ever left or even blinked. Irritation began to rise somewhere in the back of his brain, but he had already made his way here and thought it’d be more awkward to just turn around and leave again.

“Hi, I haven’t seen you around here a lot and everybody else in class has kinda introduced themselves already so— I’m Choi Beomgyu and this right here is my friend Choi Soobin”, he said, a polite smile on his lips.

Soobin next to him waved awkwardly and only shyly added, “Hi.”

They waited for the boy to introduce himself in return. However, he remained silent and now seemed to stare right through Beomgyu as if he were invisible. The irritation in Beomgyu grew rapidly as an unsettling feeling started to set in the longer he studied the appearance before him. Something was seriously wrong with this person. Yet, he wouldn’t give up this easily and leave, curiosity still strong in his heart.

“Uhm, so, whats your name?”, he therefore carefully asked, his voice softened as if speaking to a scared animal.

The boy’s gaze seemed to snap back to reality.

“Kang Taehyun”, he simply answered monotonously, finally blinking.

Beomgyu waited for him to add anything else, perhaps a ‘Nice to meet you’ or even ‘Get lost’.

Nothing.

Before the silence could weigh too heavily, he widened his smile.

“Nice to meet you, Kang Taehyun. It’s a nice name, although I’m a little disappointed your surname isn’t Choi. We could have been the three Chois, you know, like some kind of gang”, he joked, attempting to somehow dispel the sense of uneasiness in the air.

It didn’t work.

Not a single muscle twitched in Taehyun’s expressionless face like it were made of stone. Beomgyu felt like a fish out of water, floundering for escape from this awkward conversation that refused to flow.

To his relief, Soobin interjected, trying to ease the tension. “I noticed you haven’t been present much in the past weeks, so I assume you don’t have any notes on the class material. I regularly lend Beomgyu my notes, and while they may not be the best, it wouldn’t be a problem at all to share them with you as well”, Soobin offered, his voice soothing and a gentle smile on his lips that showed a hint of his dimples. The way he worded it made Beomgyu sure that he had thought about this for a while already.

“I don’t need your notes.” Taehyun’s voice was cold as ice and his expression dismissive; the first emotion Beomgyu had seen on that hollow face that wasn’t sorrow or just emptiness.

Feeling the weight of Taehyun's cold rejection, Beomgyu exchanged a glance with Soobin, both silently agreeing that this was the point where they should call it quits and leave. He would have liked to be more persistent but for now he lacked the energy.

“Okay, if you change your mind, feel free to come up to me and ask. I’d be more than happy to help”, Soobin said, signalling their departure. Beomgyu nodded in agreement; he wasn’t one to deny help to someone reaching out.

“Uhm— then, see you around”, he said with a raised hand, before Soobin and he turned around, exchanging a wordless glance that conveyed their shared feeling, and finally exited the classroom.

“Well, didn’t that go splendidly”, Beomgyu said sarcastically as they walked towards the cafeteria as usual after class.

The sky above them was hidden by a grey veil of clouds, and the wind rustled the leaves of the trees lining their path.

Soobin didn’t react to his words for a few seconds, when Beomgyu turned to look at him, brushing the hair out of his face as the wind had blown them in front of his eyes, Soobin seemed to be deep in thought.

“What are you thinking about?”, Beomgyu asked curiously.

His friend bit his lower lip while looking into the distance, apparently searching for the right words before he answered.

“Actually, I think it wasn’t too bad. The conversation, I mean.” He paused.

“What?!” Beomgyu was in disbelieve. “You’ll have to elaborate which part exactly wasn’t too bad because from where I stand, it was a disaster.”

“It was, but it also confirmed what I already figured. You know, I’ve been watching him for a while— not like that, stop grinning.” Soobin rolled his eyes at Beomgyu who had pulled up his eyebrows and put on a mischievous grin. “Anyway, the way I see it Kang Taehyun is somebody who needs help but won’t accept any. He’s like a frightened kitten stuck in a tree, in desperate need of rescuing but hissing and lashing out at anything that comes near him in fear he’ll get hurt even more”, Soobin concluded, his tone thoughtful.

Beomgyu’s eyes narrowed in thought as he met his friend’s gaze. He knew Soobin was likely right in his observation.

"Let me guess, you want to be the one to save the kitten", he answered with a sigh.

Soobin reached for the metal door handle of the cafeteria building they had just arrived at to hold the door open for him. "Don't you?", he asked as Beomgyu passed him to step inside were soft light and the smell of food greeted him.

Looking back, pausing for a moment to wait for Soobin to enter as well, Beomgyu thought for a short while about it. "Why us, of all people? He wasn't exactly nice to us", he then replied.

Soobin opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by an excited voice as they approached the food counter.

"Beomgyu! And Soobin too— hello my dear boys", the old lady greeted with a wide smile on her wrinkly face. Beomgyu felt relieved she had returned to her usual kind self after the ordeal on Saturday. Only after promising again and again that he wouldn't skip his meals had she lost her strict demeanour this time. He couldn't understand why she was so fixated on this with him of all people, but he was sure there was some reason as to why she cared for him like this.

With a tray full of steaming noodles and several side dishes they waved the elder goodbye after a brief conversation and proceeded in the direction of their favourite table.

"You know", Soobin suddenly started right before they reached their destination. "I feel like nobody will help him if not us", he continued, pulling the chair from the table with a slight screeching noise.

Him? Irritated, Beomgyu placed his tray on the table, having forgotten what they had talked about earlier. What had it been? Ah, right. Him. He sighed, sitting down and poking his chopsticks absentmindedly in the noodles.

“It’s not that I don’t understand”, Beomgyu began, a tinge of frustration in his voice. “But I don’t think I have the energy to coax someone out of their shell right now. I won't stop you, though.”

Soobin’s eyes across the table softened with understanding. “I know it’s hard for you sometimes to get through the day with your insomnia and managing class. I didn’t consider that, I’m sorry. I won’t bother you with it further.”

Beomgyu swallowed. He hadn’t intended for Soobin to back off like this or even apologise. The chopsticks rested in his bowl, unused as he was lost in thought. Am I too selfish? No, it wasn't selfishness to recognise that he wasn't in a position where he could go out of his way to help someone if he couldn’t even help himself. They would only drag each other further down.

Still, a feeling of guilt settled in.

"Please don't misunderstand, Soobin", he started in an attempt to explain himself better. "I think it's really admirable that you're not only pitying him but actually want to help."

After all, Soobin’s caring nature was one of the things Beomgyu appreciated most about him.

"I want to be supportive of your mission", he quickly continued. Across the table, Soobin attentively watched him while slurping his noodles as quietly as possible as if not wanting to disturb Beomgyu.

"What I'm trying to say it that nevertheless, I will not actively go up to him again. To stay in the cat metaphor from earlier, I just know that if I were to get any more scratches, I would just bleed out. I can't afford that right now," Beomgyu finally finished. Picking up the chopsticks he had put down while he had been speaking, he watched Soobin closely for his reaction. He will understand.

His assumption was right; as Soobin met his eyes again, Beomgyu saw understanding gleaming in them.

“I don’t know what you’re going through exactly— and you don’t need to tell me”, Soobin quickly added. “As long as it doesn’t bother you when I try to help Taehyun, I will do it by myself. I don’t mind.”

“What do you mean ‘as long as it doesn’t bother me’, why would it? Soobin, you can do whatever you want. If you feel like saving every lost soul on campus, I won't stop you”, Beomgyu responded, a smile creeping onto his lips as he talked. Actually, he wouldn’t be surprised if Soobin collected them all. After all, wasn’t Beomgyu himself one of those lost souls?

“I know, Beomgyu. I just don’t want you to feel like I’m looking for another friend because you’re not enough for me or anything”, Soobin answered and stuffed the last batch of noodles into his mouth. Chewing, he was now the one to watch his friend’s reaction.

However, Beomgyu only pulled his eyebrows slightly together in a frown as he chewed on his noodles as well. “There wasn’t any second where that thought occurred to me, really”, he reassured Soobin after he had swallowed.

The tall boy across the table nodded, relieved. “Great. Okay, so that’s that. Uh, maybe one last thing— keep in mind that even small gestures can mean a lot in certain situations, so if you somewhere along the way feel like you want to help, just remember that”, Soobin added then, putting his chopsticks down on the table with a quiet clinking noise. “By the way, are you planning to go to the library later or do you want to do something fun?”

It seemed as though the topic was finished for Soobin at this point, but although Beomgyu heard himself reply to the question, his mind was still hung up on their conversation. Like a seed had been planted into his mind, his curiosity about the miserable boy named Taehyun slowly took a hold with its root, securing its place.

Yet, Beomgyu was certain that giving in to this feeling would only mean his demise. After all, how could he lend a helping hand to someone at the bottom of an endless abyss when he was in the hole right next to it. Sometimes, focusing on your own survival is all you can manage.

Chapter Text

Around him the night was soothingly dark, and a mild breeze brought the leaves of the cherry trees to a shake. The air still smelled clear and moist, as the rain from two days ago still lingered around, the sun not having had the chance to scorch it away with its merciless rays just yet.

Taehyun lay on his back in the cool grass in the middle of the campus.

This place had been his favourite ever since the third night of his stay here, when he had woken up covered in sweat and tears. He had felt the room closing in on him like it was trying to press him into a diamond, while he desperately rang for air; only he would not turn out to be shining and valuable.

In his panic, he had only been able to think of escaping this pressure and being able to breathe, and suddenly he had found himself outside, surrounded by the faint glow of the lanterns by the dorm building. Like the night had pulled him out of his own darkness, and a blink of his eyes made him aware of his tear-streaked face and trembling body, his feet still automatically pulling him towards the green area ahead.

The grass had greeted him with a gentle sway of its blades like tiny hands waving to him and inviting him to join them on the ground. And he did. He’d felt the plants against his skin, caressing his cheeks, and as he looked up to the dark blue sky, the moon’s crescent reassuringly smiled down at him.

Before he had even realised, his body had shaken less and less, and his lungs had filled with air again after the crushing weight disappeared from his chest. Lying there, with his gaze towards the firmament, a thought suddenly crossed his distraught mind.

The stars twinkle just the same as Taehee’s eyes.

An image of her huge dark eyes sparkling softly had slid in front of his inner eye and fused with the view of the starry sky above him.

Tears had started to burn again in his eyes, yet for once it wasn’t just grief and sorrow but the relief of recognition and familiarity.

Therefore, whenever he felt everything closing in on him again, he came to this exact spot and rested on the grass under his sister’s protective gaze.

“Two classmates talked to me today”, he now whispered towards her. He was sure Taehee could hear him, wherever she was; and as he had no one else to talk to he sometimes confided in her.

The wind rustled the leaves quietly. “I forgot their names, but I remember they had the same surname. Choi. One of them made an odd comment about it, that’s the only reason I seem to recall it.”

Taehyun watched the starry sky intently as if he could find an answer from Taehee written there.

“No. I won’t be friends with them”, he said, as if answering a question that had never been spoken. “You know why.”

He closed his eyes. There was nothing he could give anybody; he had already given everything. Maybe he would end up hurting them as well, like he hurt everyone who had been around him.

People are better of without me in their lives.

A cloud pushed itself slowly in front of the stars, concealing them from Taehyun’s eyes.

“I understand. I don’t deserve you listening to me anyways.”

His heart burned as if having been set on fire.

I never deserved her. Without me she would still be— shut up. Shut up. Shut. Up.

Taehyun placed his arm over his eyes, blocking his vision as if that would shut down the thoughts that were about to break loose into the familiar spiral.

He pushed them back, all his pain and guilt, into a tiny storage room in the darkest corner of his heart where nobody could see, not even himself, and slammed the door shut.

When he entered the classroom this morning, the room was already buzzing with life. It was just before the lesson started, so everyone was seated but still animatedly chatting with their desk neighbours or the people around them.

Taehyun swiftly slid onto his chair in the corner of the room that remained untouched by the morning sun. It had been a struggle to get out of bed today, one reason why he had arrived this late to class.

His nights were either ravaged by nightmares that left him shaking to the bones or the fear of them that kept him from closing his eyes for more than a few minutes.  Another reason was that he didn’t want to spend any more time than necessary around the other students. He didn’t want to risk being caught up in another attempt of someone trying to be nice and talk to him.

Taehyun knew they only pitied him, and he didn’t need their uncontrolled expressions reminding him that he was broken beyond repair. Rather, he would just go unnoticed.

In that moment, his unfocused gaze fell upon a small batch of sheets lying on his desk in a neat pile. On top was a note, two of the edges rough like they had been ripped off the corner of a bigger piece of paper. In neat handwriting, a message was written there.

                ‘Just in case you only felt uncomfortable to take the offer yesterday. This way nobody will notice. Don’t worry about giving them back quickly, I won’t need them for the next weeks! —Soobin’

Taehyun stared at the message in disbelief. Hadn’t he been clear enough?

The way the two of them had scurried away after the introduction, he would never have expected one of them to reach out again.

Not that he wanted that. He wanted them to stay away.

He didn’t want the stupid notes on this useless magic. What were the little spells and tricks worth that they were supposed to learn here? Nothing of it would help them if they were really in need, none of the spells would enable them to protect their loved ones. What was it worth if you could make pencils invisible.

Useless.

All the years he had excitedly learned all those spells, countless years he had spent studying magic. Years that had turned the excitement slowly into desperation. In the end it had been worth nothing. The Time displayed on his watch felt like a mocking since Taehee’s had run out.

Sometimes, he felt like ripping the silver watch from his wrist and throwing it far away so he wouldn’t have to see it anymore. Unfortunately, it was mandatory to wear the wristwatch at all times.

When Taehyun finally escaped the classroom that day, the notes remained on the desk— untouched.

The next day, Taehyun found his desk empty when he arrived. It was peculiar how he noticed the absence of the notes even though they had only been there once.

However, it made him pause for a short second, and before he could stop himself, he glanced in the direction of where he knew the tall boy was sitting.

Soobin was in the middle of animatedly discussing something with his long-haired friend next to him, gesturing with his big hands that somehow had a kind of grace to them.

The other boy responded with a dramatic eye roll before he also spoke, his lips pouty.

They radiated a kind of ease around each other that somehow made Taehyun feel even lonelier than he already did. Not that he would ever admit to it, but subconsciously, he was well aware that his very soul craved this kind of connection. Too many days he had sat watching the other students with their friends.

Why can't that be me.

He was ashamed of the jealousy he sometimes felt.

Taehyun didn’t realise he had been staring at the two of them for a while until suddenly the boy with the long hair shifted his gaze and met his, like he had sensed the attention. In his surprise, it would have been logical for Taehyun to avert his eyes the moment he was caught staring. However, he hesitated.

What are you doing, look away, a voice in his head scolded, yet he couldn’t. Only when Soobin noticed his friend looking away and followed his line of sight to discover Taehyun, then smiling gently and lifting his hand to a small greeting, only then could he move again.

Like a spell had been broken.

Taehyun did not go to class the day after. Although he really wanted to, his body wouldn't listen. It had turned to bronze again, solid and cold. You need to get up. He couldn't. The struggle between what his head wanted and what his body did was inexplicable to him, no matter how much he thought about it every time it happened.

Taehyun hated himself for it, hated his useless body and his weak mind. Hated the world and his miserable life. All the self-directed anger built up in him, burning his insides like acid. He felt sick to his stomach, rolling to his left side and pulling his knees closer to his chest.

If only he could just disappear.

On days like this, all he could do was lie in bed and despise the very air he breathed. The time passing didn’t even feel real, he had no idea how late it was or how long it had been since he woke up. No light could peek behind the heavy curtains of his room, so he remained cloaked in darkness that mirrored his state of mind.

For a short moment, he had thought about sending a message to Mr Cha, excusing his absence from class. However, he would have to use magic for that, and that was out of the question. That day, he had promised himself to never use this devious power ever again.

Once, he had loved magic. He had been fascinated by it, eager to learn everything about Time and the countless spells one could perform with it. Books had filled his small room in his family’s house, from the floor right up to the ceiling, and he had devoured their contents like a beast hungry for all the knowledge in the world. It had been this way even before his sister’s illness had prompted him to research even more intensely. In fact, it merely gave him a more focused direction in his studies.

The local library had been his second home, and all the librarians there adored him, sometimes sneaking him candy or baked goods as he spent more and more time there over the years. Taehyun knew the bookstores in his small hometown like the back of his hand, and he probably could have worked at both of them as he was acquainted with the books they had in stock almost as well as their respective owners. If he thought about it, Taehyun probably knew more people that worked with books than he had actual friends.

Therefore, in the span of his young life, he had already acquired knowledge that not even most adults had and now, at twenty, possessed double the amount of Time people his age usually had. Ten years. It was a lot, no doubt, but it had never been his goal to accumulate this much Time. It had just happened naturally, like a byproduct of all his studies.

From his perspective now, it all seemed like a sick joke by the universe— giving him this drive for knowledge that resulted in an abundance of Time while his sister had to watch hers slip through her fingers. He should have given it all to her, would have if it hadn’t required a Timekeeper. And if only she would have let him.

However, both his mother and his sister had always refused to take too much of his magic, his mother rather giving her life-time in the end. He didn’t blame them; he knew they only ever thought about what was best for him. ‘Think about your future’, they had said. ‘You can help us more if you keep it and get a good job later.’

If only his sister would have been a little more selfish. If only he had given her all his Time. He could have saved her that way. But all he had done was experiment with this stupid spell. If only he hadn’t tested it. She would still be alive.

If only.

“Hi. I don’t want to disturb you or anything. I just noticed you weren’t at class again yesterday and Mr Cha didn’t explain the spell again today. I just wanted to drop this off so you can keep up with future lessons.”

Soobin smiled and Taehyun noticed a hint of two dimples in his cheeks.

The lesson had just finished, and Taehyun had missed the opportunity to quickly exit the room before the other students because he had been lost in thought. Now, those thoughts had been interrupted by the tall friendly boy in front of him, still smiling and a sheet of paper between his long fingers. Irritated, Taehyun could only blink in response. Why was Soobin reaching out again?

It was beyond him what compelled Soobin to just keep trying. What exactly did he think he could get out of this? He studied the other boy’s face but couldn’t find the usual pitying look anywhere and the smile seemed genuine, too. How strange.

As he looked at Soobin, he just then noticed that his long-haired friend, that usually accompanied him, wasn’t anywhere to be seen. What was his name again? Bogum? No matter how much he searched his memory, it seemed to slip away right before he could get a hold of it. Why bother remembering, you won’t ever need his name.

Right at this moment, he realised that after all those weeks where he hadn’t recognised any individual student on the whole campus, with faces drifting past in a haze, those two had somehow managed to stand out. They had slowly crept their way into his consciousness, especially Soobin. A part of him was relieved he didn’t recall the other boy’s name. He didn’t wish to know anyone here or much rather be known.

“So— uhm, I’ll just leave them here?”, Soobin interrupted his thoughts in a careful tone and his smile seemed to drop ever so slightly.

“I told you before, I don’t want your notes”, Taehyun snapped. Please leave. Don’t look at me. He wished he could turn invisible— actually he knew how to, but magic was out of question. Not being able to bear looking at Soobin any longer, he averted his gaze to stare at his hands that rested on the desk in front of him, his fingers anxiously fiddling with the bracelet around his wrist.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to overstep. I just want to help; I can stop offering them to you if you really don’t want them.”

The last part sounded more like a question than a statement and when Taehyun looked back up at Soobin’s face he caught a glimpse of insecurity in the boy’s expression.

That’s right. I don’t want them. Leave me alone, the snarky voice in his head commented. Yet somehow another part of him ached at the thought of telling Soobin to back off completely. This is what you want. Tell him to piss off with his damn notes, the voice pushed. His mouth remained closed.

Taehyun had no use for the materials of this class, that much was for sure. So, what held him back? No matter what it was, it stopped him from answering. After a moment of silence, Taehyun watched how a peculiar look flashed on Soobin’s friendly face before the tall boy said goodbye and stepped out of the room.

Frozen in his seat for a few breaths, Taehyun was utterly clueless what to make of all this.

For the next days, Taehyun existed— to say he lived would be too much of a stretch— the same way as before Soobin and the other guy had reached out to him.

No notes lay on his table and no glances were exchanged from the two friends towards Taehyun. He would have liked to say the same— that he could ignore them just like before. Nevertheless, he would only be lying to himself, and he already did that too much all the time.

Taehyun found himself staring at them, watching them and no matter how often he tore his gaze away it seemed to return every time like being pulled by a magnet. A part of him wanted them to come up to him, craved the human connection.

Yet, the logical part was still stronger. They had no reason to try and engage in any exchange with him after the way he had reacted. He had reached his goal of pushing them away.

Why did it feel so wrong?

Taehyun couldn’t remember what he had done those days and suddenly the weekend was over, and a new week of class began. Somehow it was a miracle he even realised what day it was, he really couldn’t explain how.

He skipped breakfast as usual; he didn’t like those hours of the day where the students usually streamed towards the cafeteria. Having made this mistake once— being forced to sit among strangers in a loud room, where he couldn’t eat a single bite before fleeing the building— had taught him to avoid it.

Therefore, he waited for unusual times to eat like between lunch and supper or late at night right before the cafeteria closed. He had to admit that some days he got to bed only then realising he hadn’t eaten anything at all the whole day. It didn’t matter so much to him, as on those days he doubted he would have been able to keep anything down in the first place. Nobody would scold him for it here either. His mom would be outraged if she knew, but she wasn’t here and nobody on this campus came close enough to Taehyun to care for him. Sometimes he felt the old lady at the food counter watching him, but perhaps he was only paranoid. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he merely imagined it, really. Sometimes it was hard for him to distinguish between imagination and reality.

Surprisingly, he still managed to attend class for all the days where he was required to and only break down on the weekend again. He would call that progress. Especially because he even got up on Monday morning after he hadn’t been able to do anything the last two days, not even shower. It should have felt like an achievement that he got ready and even ate an apple that he had taken from the cafeteria last week before going to class. But it didn’t.

Taehyun felt like a failure of a human being and a disgrace to his family— so nothing out of the ordinary. He wanted to go home, but he couldn’t. His mom needed more than a month without him to reclaim her life, find a purpose that was not having to care for a sick child.

He wanted to be normal, just like all the other students; lead a boring life like everyone else. Yet his life had never been normal and now, after all, his last chance of normalcy had been lost forever. What am I even still doing here?

“— see you tomorrow.” Mr Cha’s smooth voice reached Taehyun’s ears and pulled him from his daze. It seemed like the lesson was already over and he had missed every single second of it, like he had just skipped right through it.

Taehyun looked up, still trying to arrive in reality before he could leave the room. His right leg tingled as he moved it, the blood flow had apparently been obstructed for a while because he hadn’t moved an inch since the start of the lesson. Now, he was forced to wait until the unpleasant sensation went away, otherwise he would have to limp out the door, and after all he still had some dignity left.

All of a sudden, a big hand pushed into his line of side, sliding a sheet of paper on his table before retracting again. Blinking, Taehyun’s gaze shot up to catch sight of Soobin walking by, his long-haired friend following him closely. Soobin didn’t look at Taehyun, acting like nothing had happened after he had dropped the paper on the desk as he passed it.

The other boy threw Taehyun a look over his shoulder, his eyes catching a ray of sunlight that revealed their deep chocolatey brown and his long eyelashes cast a shadow on his cheeks. His side profile was one of the prettiest Taehyun had ever seen, his nose straight with a high bridge and a rounded tip and the lips underneath round and plum, while his jaw and chin balanced it all with a certain sharpness.

But in the light of the sun he could also see the dark circles under the boy’s eyes and the dullness of his skin. It reminded him of himself and suddenly he felt a wisp of kinship to this person, whose name he could not remember. Their eyes met for only a split second before the boy turned away again, but in that moment, Taehyun recognised something else familiar in them that he couldn’t quite place. The next second, the two friends had already left the room and Taehyun could only sit and watch, his thoughts in disarray once again.

Ever since that day, every day had felt like the same agony over and over, undistinguishable and melting into another. Now, Taehyun even knew which day it was and how many days had passed since the last time Soobin had tried to reach out to him. It was incredibly peculiar and threw him off more than he would admit.

His hand reached for the sheet of paper that had been placed in front of him and before he could stop himself, he had picked it up. The page was full of notes in neat handwriting except for the spell characters that were made to look messy solely by the confusingly placed stroke indicators. Taehyun couldn’t have deciphered what they were supposed to mean if he hadn’t recognised the spell without even reading the top of the page were its name was written.

It was a spell to manipulate objects to change their form, an important spell for any job that involved handicraft and making things. Depending on the material and complexity of the object to be shaped, it had to be varied in how it was cast and involved intricate knowledge of the materials one worked with to function not only properly but also Time efficient.

This exact spell on the page before Taehyun only laid the foundation for this kind of magic, introducing the class to the basics. If any of them were to work in this field, they would greatly expand on it during their studies later. Taehyun had experimented with this spell quite a lot as it seemed handy to him, but the results didn’t exactly tell of any talent in handicrafts.

Tomorrow, they would likely practice the spell with easily formable materials like clay or wax. He wouldn’t participate, of course. Fortunately, Mr Cha didn’t seem to mind that Taehyun was only physically present as long as he attended class. In fact, he paid him no mind most of the time, except when Taehyun had been missing for another class. Then, Mr Cha gave him a warning look over the edge of his horn-rimmed glasses as soon as their eyes met on the day after. So far, however, Taehyun seemed to have stayed within Mr Cha’s acceptable zone of attendance.

Again, he studied the notes and tips that probably had been made by their teacher. As far as he could tell, Mr Cha had no extensive knowledge about this kind of spell either, but his years of experience clearly shone through in the way it had been presented. Soobin’s note itself was neatly organised and Taehyun was sure he could’ve worked with it quite well if he actually intended to keep up with class. Maybe he should—

Don’t even finish that thought, he scolded himself and dropped the paper like it had burned him. The edge where he had held it was slightly crinkled now and a year ago, he would have tried to smooth it out again, but now he almost jumped from his chair and left the paper behind. He had to stay away.

Over the rest of the week, Taehyun did everything to avoid Soobin. He arrived just before lessons started and was the first to dart out of the door as soon as it finished. Even looking in his general direction was something he avoided; and it seemed to work. Not once did Soobin try to talk to him or left another note on his table. As Taehyun was present for all the lessons that week, perhaps it wasn’t necessary anyways.

Taehyun had thought he would be relieved when he managed to successfully avoid every interaction with them and returned to his hermit life just like before. Yet, it felt incredibly wrong and turned out to be harder than he would have ever imagined. Sometimes, when his mind drifted away, his gaze wandered and when he focused it again, it was stuck on the back of the heads of Soobin and his friend.

One day, he even forgot to get up from his chair quickly after class had ended as if waiting for Soobin to walk past and slip him another one of his notes. After a short stupor where he couldn’t believe himself, feeling betrayed by his own body and mind, he still got up and left before any of his classmates could even finish packing their bags.

The weeks went on like this, and Taehyun never felt this lonely in his life. Before, he had been alone a lot and even felt lonely at times. Still, this time it was like his heart had ripped itself out of his chest to embark on a desperate search for any kind of connection without success as he held it on a tight leash.

Every time he walked the campus, Taehyun watched the other students, imagining what it would be like to live their lives, what they talked about with their friends and what they had experienced in their pasts. Watching people from afar was as near as he allowed himself to get to anyone. It was as though they lived in a parallel universe that he could only see through a one-sided mirror, watching them but being invisible to others.

At this point, Taehyun didn’t know which pain tortured him more, his grief and self-hatred or the loneliness. He felt pathetic.

All this was perhaps why one day— Taehyun didn’t even know which day of the week it was as the days had started to bleed into each other again— he finally gave in.

It was another ever the same day where he struggled to get out of bed and go to class, sitting in the room with the high ceiling and tall windows among students he had nothing in common with, losing himself in thoughts as the time passed by. Up until a shadow fell upon him.

First, Taehyun thought it was one of the students passing as they left the classroom and didn’t even look up. However, as it didn’t move for a while, he finally lifted his gaze to look at the person standing in front of him.

Soobin.

If he weren’t so disconnected to his emotions right now, maybe he would feel tears rising in his eyes the moments he laid them on the other boy. No matter how much he had fought against it, he couldn’t realistically deny how much he had wished for Soobin to talk to him again. Somehow it felt surreal.

With big eyes, Taehyun looked at Soobin, unable to speak as he was overwhelmed by the sudden surge of previously suppressed emotions. With gentle eyes Soobin returned his gaze, his fingers fiddling with a piece of paper as if he didn’t really know how to proceed from this point onwards.

He seemed to study Taehyun’s face for any hint that would tell him what to do; and apparently, he found something. Soobin’s expression softened. His hand that held the paper slowly extended towards Taehyun until it stopped in the air in front of him. An offer.

And before Taehyun had even fully processed what was happening, his hand automatically reached out towards Soobin’s and took it.

Chapter Text

As Beomgyu and Soobin left the classroom, they didn’t talk. Soobin walked ahead in big strides with his long legs while Beomgyu followed closely behind him. Only as they reached the stairs did he catch up to his friend, but silence still hovered around them. Astonishment lay in the air and neither of them apparently wanted to break their silence just yet.

However, as they arrived at the door that would lead them outside, Soobin couldn’t contain his excitement any longer. He turned to Beomgyu, and a shy but wide grin was spread across his face.

“He took it”, he simply said but his joy projected clearly in his voice. Beomgyu returned his smile sincerely. He knew that this was an important achievement for Soobin, even though he himself couldn’t quite share the sentiment.

“I really couldn’t believe my eyes just earlier. So, I didn’t hallucinate it?”, he said. It wasn’t just because he tried to join Soobin in his excitement but because he actually had been flabbergasted as he watched Taehyun, the boy who pushed everyone vehemently away, take Soobin’s notes. It was equivalent to accepting his help in a way. Beomgyu hadn’t really believed in the success of Soobin’s endeavour, although he had hoped for it— mainly for his friend’s sake. Now, he had clearly been taught better.

“I knew he would someday take them. He just needed time”, Soobin commented shyly, as if he didn’t feel comfortable to claim that he had been right this whole time. Which he had been, Beomgyu had to admit.

“You know, the past weeks, there were times I couldn’t understand why you kept trying”, Beomgyu now started. Soobin snorted and threw Beomgyu a look from the side.

“Yeah, you told me loud and clear every time.”

Indignantly, Beomgyu pursed his lips and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Hey! Don’t say it like that. I simply told you to not overexert yourself and that it’s good to know when to give up. It’s not like I told you to give up.”

Quietly snickering, Soobin patted the back of his head gently. “I know, Beomgyu. I was just teasing you”, he replied but it was apparent that he suppressed his laughter.

Beomgyu now pouted and scrunched his nose. “Such impertinence.”

This was the moment where Soobin just couldn’t hold it anymore and burst out into a squeaky laugh, slapping Beomgyu on the back playfully. Satisfied with the result of his efforts, Beomgyu giggled as well. They teased each other some more on their way to the dorms, laughing and giggling cheerfully.

As he had gotten up late today again, Beomgyu didn’t have time to shower yet and had felt nasty all this time in class. Therefore, they had agreed earlier to stop by the dorms before they went to eat.

When they arrived, they split up, each of them entering their own rooms after they had agreed to meet in half an hour again. As Beomgyu closed the door, he let out a long breath and finally gave in to the urge to look at his wristwatch. He suppressed the pull the clock dial seemed to have on him every single second he was among people, and especially among Soobin. Nobody was supposed to notice anything weird about him. But as soon as he felt unwatched or entered his room, the first thing he did was check his Time. It really was an obsession at this point.

Right now, nothing seemed out of the ordinary; he had lost as much Time as expected and the practicing in class had returned him some. He was still at a deficit, but Beomgyu was used to that and would make up for it later. His body relaxed.

After the shower, Beomgyu felt even more relaxed. The water that massaged his tense shoulders also seemed to wash away all the unnecessary thoughts  to make way for the important ones. While the water had met his face, eyes closed and head tilted upwards, he had realised that he needed to talk to Soobin about something.

He knew exactly what he wanted to say, all lay prepared in his head— as usual whenever he pre-planned a conversation. Although they never quite worked out the way he planned. His still damp hair clung to his forehead, so he pushed it back with a swift move of his hand before he stepped outside into the hallway. Now that he had washed and put on fresh clothes, he felt significantly better to set foot outside than this morning. Maybe he would just pretend this was the first time he left his room.

Outside, Soobin was already waiting for him, leaning against the windowsill opposite of their rooms. A familiar picture.

“You didn’t dry your hair,” Soobin pointed out before pushing himself from the wall to stand in front of Beomgyu.

“I like it this way. It’s so hot outside, I think this will cool me down,” Beomgyu lied in response.

In fact, he did not like it this way. He could feel strands of hair sticking to his neck and a single water drop slowly crept its way down his back. Usually, he showered first thing in the morning or very late at night. This way, his hair would have already dried enough so nobody would ask any questions once he left his room. And the spell to dry them was a fairly easy one, somebody would definitely ask questions— like Soobin now. But how could he ever use his precious Time for something as useless as drying hair.

Apparently, though, Beomgyu’s answer had sounded plausible to his friend, who nodded in acknowledgment. Relieved, Beomgyu slowly let out the breath he had been holding.

“Shall we go to the cafeteria? I’m starving.” Soobin gestured in the direction of the stairway.

It was already past three in the afternoon, so of course Beomgyu felt like he could devour an entire cow now as well. Together, they made their way outside again.

As they walked down the stairs, Beomgyu remembered the plan he had made while showering. He had contemplated waiting for a better opportunity, but he wasn’t quite sure what exactly this opportunity would look like so he decided to just get it out of the way as fast as he could.

“There’s something I would like to talk about with you”, he therefore started now.

He watched Soobin, who had apparently also been deep in thought, immediately shift his full attention on him. “Sure, what’s up?”

“Okay, so you know that I’m incredibly thankful for you helping me with class. Without you, I would already be entirely out of the loop during class with no chance to ever catch up. You’re really saving my ass.”

Soobin shook his head lightly. “There’s really no need to thank me. It’s no problem at all.”

“No, I do feel like I should appreciate it appropriately”, disagreed Beomgyu and gave his friend a stern look so he wouldn’t dare to object again. It worked.

The tall boy smiled as he responded. “Alright, I accept your gratitude. Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“No, I just wanted to preface what I actually want to say by this. It’s just— I know you dedicate a lot of time to studying with me when you could spend this time to practice for yourself.”

Also, you suck at explaining stuff, he thought to himself. He felt too grateful for Soobin’s effort to tell him that, though.

He could hear Soobin draw a breath to disagree once again, but he interrupted before the other could even get a single word out. “I know, I know, you don’t see it that way. But for me, it’s not how I want this friendship to be. I don’t want to feel like I take way more than I can give. I don’t want our entire time together to be spend studying.”

Beomgyu carefully threw a glance at Soobin to catch his reaction. He wasn’t exactly scared, but still nervous about what his friend would say.

However, Soobin was Soobin, understandingly nodding in thought. Like he was in the middle of putting himself in Beomgyu’s shoes to see the world from his eyes and opening up to his perspective.

“I see. I’m sorry you feel this way, but I think I understand what you mean. Do you already have an idea how we can change that?”, Soobin responded.

They had already stepped outside during their conversation and had almost reached the cafeteria building. Beomgyu wanted to finish this conversation before they went inside, feeling like it would disrupt the current atmosphere to a point where they wouldn’t feel comfortable anymore, so he slowly came to a stop a few meters from the door. Soobin mirrored him, now facing Beomgyu directly as they stood in front of each other.

“I think it would be best for me to find someone to tutor me.” Beomgyu bit his lip as he looked up to Soobin and brushed the still damp hair from his forehead. He really didn’t know why he was so nervous. It wasn’t like he had told Soobin he wanted to quit their friendship or something. Why did it feel like such a big thing?

“Do you already have someone in mind?”, Soobin only asked. He was just simple like that. Comfortable. Easy to be around. Little by little, Beomgyu’s nervousness settled as he reminded himself of those qualities that he so much appreciated about their friendship.

“Not really. I guess I just have to find someone who’s good in class? Or has a little more Time than the others. I’ll just go around class and ask everyone to show me their watch like a completely normal person would”, he joked to lighten the conversation even more, primarily for himself.

Of course, Soobin grinned in response. “Yes, you are the most normal person I know.”

“I’m the only person you know”, retaliated Beomgyu with a smirk.

“That’s not true and you know it!” Soobin genuinely looked a little offended at the comment. Suddenly, his face lit up, however. He straightened up a little more before he spoke. “Actually— I know someone.”

Beomgyu just couldn’t hold back a teasing answer. “It’s fine, I believe you. You know people. Like the elderly librarian— what was his name? I think he likes you.”

The other boy rolled his eyes. “You just can’t be serious for more than five minutes it’s incredible. No! I know someone who can tutor you.” He seemed to be excited to be once again the bearer of the solution to Beomgyu’s problems. It was astonishing how he managed it every time.

In that moment, the spark of excitement jumped over to Beomgyu, he could feel his interest peaking in a matter of seconds. This conversation had turned out so much better than he had imagined under the shower earlier.

“Really? Who?”

“Ah, this is perfect”, Soobin smiled. “You know how I told you about my friend Kai? The one I’ve been meeting with every now and then, who asked me to introduce you?”

“Yeah, the one you betray me with regularly, how could I forget.” He just couldn’t pass on an opportunity to make any comment that would either annoy Soobin or make him laugh. Preferably both.

It worked out beautifully, as expected. The older squeezed his eyes lightly and pushed his hair back in frustration but couldn’t hide his smile.

“You are so annoying; I really don’t know if I am doing Kai a major disservice by introducing you. What I actually wanted to get at was that I’ve known him since we were children, and I know for a fact that he not only has a lot of Time but is actually good at magic. I’m sure he would be more than happy to help you out, too.”

“Are you really sure he wouldn’t mind?” Insecurity made its way up from somewhere in Beomgyu. Sometimes, he just couldn’t shake the feeling of being a constant burden to everyone around him. Even people he didn’t know yet.

However, Soobin resolutely shook his head.

“He would love to help. Kai’s a really nice person, you know. You’ll see”, he responded cheerfully and somehow managed to disperse all the guilt and insecurity inside Beomgyu with just that. “I can ask him if he wants to meet up later?”

For a second, Beomgyu had to feel into himself, into his current emotional and mental state to decide if he felt like making new friends today; and unlike last time, where he had declined, it looked more promising now. In fact, he was quite excited to meet him.

“Sure! He can join us in the cafeteria if he hasn’t already eaten”, he therefore agreed, and a genuine smile spread over his face.

Sometimes it’s just easy like this, huh?

Soobin didn’t waste any more time and immediately rummaged through his bag to pull out a slip of paper and a pen to write a message to Kai. Then, he drew three characters on the paper in his palm while mumbling a spell to make it disappear and somewhere on campus it would materialise out of thin air in front of Kai. Magic made communication just simple and fast like that.

Only a couple of minutes later the message returned with a muted ‘plop’ in the air in front of Soobin’s face.

‘Yes! I would love to meet Beomgyu >3<

Yeonjun’s with me, is it okay if I take him along?’

After a couple more exchanges, the two of them were now sitting at their favourite table at the big window in the right corner of the seating area in the cafeteria, their food already steaming in front of them, waiting for the others to arrive.

“You don’t need to worry, they are both really nice”, Soobin reassured him.

Blinking, Beomgyu looked up to him, feeling confused as to why his friend would think he was worried. He wasn’t, quite the opposite. He couldn’t wait to meet that person that seemed important to Soobin.

Since the beginning of their friendship, the older boy had hinted that Kai was a friend that was very dear to him, mentioning him every now and then, and every time a warm light shone in his eyes. It wasn’t surprising, considering that they apparently had known each other from a very young age.

Maybe if they hadn’t been split up into two different classes here, Beomgyu would have never had a chance to befriend Soobin because he would’ve stuck to his childhood friend.

I should be thankful to the school for separating them, he thought while suppressing a chuckle.

Just then, Soobin’s eyes fixed on something behind Beomgyu. He raised his big hand and waved at someone with a tiny shake.

They were here.

Beomgyu sat up straight and whipped his head around, his expectations rising. His hair, that had dried enough to stop sticking to his skin, fell into his eyes as he turned, so he brushed it from his eyes with a flick of his wrist.

Now, he could watch two people approaching their table, both with trays full of food in their hands. They were both tall, but while the one on the left had a lean build with long legs, the other had rather broad shoulders.

The thing that surprised Beomgyu, however, was that the lean one had a mullet like himself, just shorter— in a bright bubblegum pink.

Subconsciously, he reached for his own strands of hair that rested lightly upon his shoulders. Would a different colour suit him as well as this boy? Certainly not.

Although it was a very unnatural colour, it appeared to belong exactly this way and wasn’t at all weird or out of place. It made this person stand out from all the other students on campus and Beomgyu wondered how he had never come across him in all the weeks he had been here.

Yet, even without the hair colour, Beomgyu was sure he would have noticed this person if he’d ever seen him before. It was just a certain aura around him, a presence that caught the attention of those around him.

Soobin said they’re nice, but this guy looks like somewhat unapproachable, he thought.

As the two of them arrived at the table where Soobin and Beomgyu were seated, Beomgyu pushed himself out of the chair to politely greet them. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Soobin doing the same, probably so he wouldn’t be the only one sitting.

“I’m glad you guys could make it”, Soobin greeted them, then gestured between Beomgyu and the other two.

“Guys, this is Beomgyu. Beomgyu, this is Kai—”

He pointed in the direction of the boy with the broader shoulders and the two of them exchanged small, shy bow.

“— and this is Yeonjun.” Soobin shifted his outreached palm in the direction of the pink-haired one.

They also bowed their heads in greeting.

“Nice to meet you, Beomgyu”. Yeonjun smiled and all the possibly intimidating aura around him immediately vanished into nothingness. As the pouty lips of Yeonjun split, they revealed two bunny teeth and his eyes turned from a fox-like shape into a sparkly crescent. It was like a little transformation.

“Yeah, nice to meet you, too. Both of you. Uh, shall we sit down?”, Beomgyu responded and gestured to the two free chairs, one next to him and one across the table next to Soobin.

Smiling and politely nodding they all sat down, Kai next to Soobin and Yeonjun beside Beomgyu, their food in front of them. The atmosphere around them was still loaded with the initial shyness of having only just met, but Beomgyu somehow didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. For a moment, all of them hungrily dug into their food, not minding the silence.

After a few minutes, Soobin leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms before he broke the silence. “Now that we're all here, Beomgyu and I actually wanted to talk to you about something, Kai.”

The addressed looked up, slowly swallowing the bite of steamed rice that he had just shoved in his mouth. “Oh, I thought you just wanted to see me. Sure, what’s up?”

Beomgyu thought he could hear a tinge of disappointment in his voice, but he could be wrong. After all, he only just met this person ten minutes ago and maybe Kai was just messing with Soobin.

From this perspective, he could now get a closer look at Soobin’s childhood friend. Before, he had been distracted by Yeonjun and his flashy hairstyle so that he hadn’t paid as much attention to Kai.

Now, however, the sun from outside the window next to Kai perfectly illuminated his side-profile and revealed his strong features with a unique bumpy nose and tiny moles that spread over his face like constellations.

Why the hell is everyone here so handsome?

Beomgyu suddenly felt self-conscious, thinking about the dark circles he couldn’t get rid of, how unkept he was in comparison to the others, in his wide grey pants that he had just thrown on after the shower and the hair that lay exactly as it had dried.

Stop it, he scolded himself. Don’t ruin this for yourself again.

Half of his brain had still kept up with the conversation, so when Kai met his gaze, he was only slightly flustered by the sudden eye contact.

“Oh, so why do you even need a tutor?”, Kai asked with a curious look on his face.

Beomgyu leaned back in his chair and his fingers found the closure of his watch and began to fiddle with it.

“Uh, well, I don’t know if Soobin told you anything about me—” He threw a glance in the direction of the mentioned who only shook his head lightly, his cheeks puffy from the food he was chewing.

“Okay, the thing is that I have some issues with sleeping, mainly, and because of that I miss a lot of class due to, uhm well, falling asleep or not going.”

He somehow wished the sleeping were his only problem and not only a symptom of what lay underneath. The last time he had made a significant amount of plus with his Time had been before the semester started. Which was hilarious considering he had only come here to focus on that specifically.

However, the classes were more theory-heavy than he had initially thought and although they did get time to practice, most of it was reserved for self-study.

Still, he was grateful for coming here, as he had found friends after a long time of loneliness back home. Life felt different now, more hopeful in a way. For that alone it was worth it.

Next to him, Kai nodded in understanding and took a sip from his lemonade.

“What you really want to say is that Soobin was a shit tutor”, Yeonjun suddenly chimed in and giggled as Soobin kicked him under the table. They seemed comfortable with each other and Beomgyu wondered how much time the three of them had spent together already. Had he been missing out?

“I mean, his notes got way better than before, I have to give him that. But we really need to work through them together, if you know what I mean.” Beomgyu scratched his head while Soobin just silently watched the conversation now. “I need someone who already knows what he’s doing and can explain it properly so we can save on the theory and I can get into practice, it just takes up too much time like that”, he finished his explanation.

“Oh, then Kai really is your person, he’s great”, grinned Yeonjun as he rested his chin lazily on his hand.

Next to Soobin, Kai uncomfortably fidgeted in his chair like he didn’t quite go along with the praise.

“I’m not that good.”

Yeonjun and Soobin snorted almost in unison.

“You have eight years, what do you mean?”, Yeonjun said agitated.

At that, Beomgyu almost jumped out of his chair. Eight years Time?

Why the hell was he here and not at university?

“What?!”, was the only thing he managed to get out as he eyed Kai intensively. He looked really young; he couldn’t be any older than Beomgyu himself.

Kai looked over to Soobin as if asking for help. The older sighed. “Let’s just say it’s a family thing. They’re all extremely good at magic.”

Seeming relieved, Kai nodded in agreement, the red that had crept up his neck slowly disappearing again.

Beomgyu’s head was full to the brim with questions, but he held them back. They had only just met today, and this seemed to be a touchy topic for Kai, so he would save them for later. For now, he only nodded understandingly.

“That sounds like what I am looking for. Would it be fine for you if we were to meet twice a week to go over the material and practice together? It doesn’t have to be long. I can practice by myself if you’re busy.”

“Sure!” A wide smile now spread over Kai’s face, so bright it could have competed with the sun itself. “Twice a week sounds perfect! I need to go over the spells again myself anyway and together it will be way more fun.”

He really looked like he had just gotten the best news ever, but maybe he was just a very bright and cheerful person by nature.

For Beomgyu, however, this was indeed the best news he could have gotten right now.

“You are a real lifesaver, Kai, thank you!”, he exclaimed.

Literally.

“No need to thank me, I am more than happy to help!” Kai nudged forward in his chair to sit a little closer to Beomgyu. “Shall we agree on fix days in the week for our sessions?”

“I think Tuesday and Friday would be good? Because it’s evenly spaced out so no matter which day I miss class, the next session isn’t too far away. And I don’t want you having to do study sessions on the weekend if you don’t want to”, Beomgyu thought out loud.

Kai pulled his eyebrows together in thought, then his face lit up again.

“I think that would fit my schedule as well! That means tomorrow is already our first session, how exciting!”

He sounded so enthusiastic and emanated such a natural cute energy that Beomgyu just had to find him incredibly adorable. Kai couldn’t hurt a fly, that much he was sure about, even after knowing him for such a short time.

“Yes, that would actually be perfect. How about we meet after class, go grab a bite together and then find a quiet place for our session?”, Beomgyu proposed and took a sip from his water that he had left untouched until now because he had forgotten about it. The cool liquid felt soothing to his throat, and he realised how thirsty he actually was. He chucked half the bottle in one go.

In the meantime, Kai had pulled out a small planner from his backpack and scribbled a note into it.

“Sounds great. I put you in my planer at 12.30 pm, that should go along with your lesson schedule as far as I know?”, he asked and glanced over at Soobin, who was in the middle of a quiet conversation with Yeonjun.

Apparently, he already knew Beomgyu’s schedule from Soobin, as they had classes at the same time. How convenient. He nodded to confirm the suggestion.

With a soft ‘thud’, Kai closed his planner again and neatly tucked it back into his backpack before he closed the zipper. There, a small, worn penguin keychain dangled on the side. It looked handmade.

“That’s very cute”, Beomgyu pointed out, gesturing to the keychain.

Following his gaze, Kai’s eyes lit up as he saw what Beomgyu had pointed at.

“Oh, yes, thank you! My mom made it for me many years ago. She’s incredible at all kinds of handicraft and handicraft related magic.”

“Maybe she should have done the class last week. I feel like Mr Cha unnecessarily struggled with material manipulation, which was fun because he’s good at everything else so far”, Beomgyu chuckled, an image of their agitated teacher in mind, grumbling something about ‘bad quality’ after his spell hadn’t quite worked the way he had wanted it to. The wax figure had looked— rough.

He had laughed so hard at it that Mr Cha had almost thrown him out of class; but Beomgyu knew how to use his charm to get around being in trouble.

“Really? I only ever heard good stuff about Mr Cha. Our teacher, Ms Lim, always tells us what an asset he is to this institution,” Kai responded.

“I wonder if she will open up a Mr Cha fan-club some day”, someone suddenly commented. It was Yeonjun, with a smug expression, leaned back in his chair in an annoyingly effortless cool way.

Kai laughed loudly and in such a distinctive way that Beomgyu was sure he hadn’t heard anywhere before, and it got a quiet chuckle out of him.

Soobin across the table also giggled and as they joked some more about their teachers, Beomgyu more and more felt like he was finally arriving somewhere he hadn’t even known he’d been searching for all along.

He had never needed a large friend group; one or two close friends were enough for him. Soobin had already been enough for Beomgyu, and he wouldn’t have gone out of his way to find any additional friends.

However, he now wondered if it had been a mistake to decline Soobin’s and Kai’s offer to meet up a few weeks ago. Sure, he had had his reasons; but if he’d known he would feel so— content around them, he for sure would have jumped at the opportunity.

“How about we meet up to eat together every day?”, he blurted out before he could stop himself.

As all eyes fixated on him, he could feel embarrassment rise up all the way to his ears, that were fortunately hidden from sight under his long hair.

“It’s just really fun with you guys”, he added shyly and in a volume that was barely audible. He looked down at his hands that began to play with the closure of his watch again.

“I think that’s a really sweet idea”, he heard Yeonjun’s voice answer softly and as he looked up, he caught a gentle smile and warm eyes in the other boy’s face. It was wild how the vibe of his entire face could change like that.

“I like it, too”, Kai agreed and sounded almost as shy now as Beomgyu felt, while still adding a cute tone to it that would have sounded unnatural for anyone else.

They all looked at Soobin in expectation as if in a silent agreement. The boy, however, just shrugged.

“I spend almost every meal with Beomgyu anyways and the ones I don’t I’m with you two. So, for me it’s most convenient like this anyway.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes “Gosh, Soobin, we were having a moment here.”

“I vote for Soobin to be uninvited from the meals again. All in favour?”, Beomgyu grinned and raised his hand high up in the air.

Kai and Yeonjun nodded eagerly in agreement as they raised their hands as well.

With a groan, Soobin hid his face in his hands.

“I shouldn’t have introduced you. What have I done?”

Chapter Text

It was already late when Beomgyu finally fell into his bed. What a day it had been.

After their meal, they had sat outside for a while, chatting and enjoying the warm rays of the summer sun, until the mosquitoes had found them in the evening. Trying to flee from those vicious beasts, Yeonjun had proposed they go to the student lounge.

None of the others had even known of the existence of such a place, but it made sense. What was a campus without some kind of student establishment where they could hang out, drink alcohol and have fun. Beomgyu wondered if the teachers knew about it, or if it was a hidden safe space for the students. But considering the small size of the campus it would be hard to hide an establishment like that.

Yeonjun had led them to an inconspicuous looking door that, after he had knocked in a specific pattern that Beomgyu had already forgotten after two seconds, revealed stairs into the basement of the other class’s dorm building. At the end of them, a big and dimply lit complex of open rooms greeted them.

It looked incredibly cozy, with a big bar in the front and tables with chairs scattered all over the spacious room. Archways led to smaller areas left and right of the bar, one filled to the brim with all kinds of games— from board games to card games and even a billiard table in the middle— the other with worn couches, armchairs and a big old gramophone, vinyls stacking up all the way under the ceiling.

Everything appeared incredibly crammed but mysteriously seemed to follow a specific order that only revealed its secrets to the students that frequented this place regularly.

Beomgyu had loved it from the second he entered and especially the room with the gramophone called to him like a will-o’-the-wisp to make him get lost in the forest of those stacks of vinyls.

Most spaces had, however, already been taken up by students by the time they entered, so they had squeezed into a quiet corner in the bar area and chatted the evening away right until everybody had been sent back to their dorms at 11pm. It was under the week after all, and this was still a school.

Beomgyu found himself smiling up to the ceiling as he thought back to the hours he had just spent with his new friends. He hadn’t even felt the time passing, and before he had known their ways had already parted again. But only until tomorrow. For a moment, he simply lay on his soft mattress and bathed in the warm cozy feeling that circulated in his body, making him feel so— alive.

Wait.

He sat up abruptly and jerked his left arm up to look at his wrist. Disbelief spread in his mind as he realised that he hadn’t looked at or even thought about his Time for almost the entire day. As his gaze now fell upon the dial, however, the usual anxiety he felt while looking at the reclining watch hands did not appear.

However much Time it was, it was worth it, a quiet voice in his head said.

Beomgyu looked up again, surprised at himself. That was how he felt, huh? How unprecedented.

Just for today, he would accept the lost hours. After all, with Kai as his new tutor he could hopefully look forward to a major improvement on his practice situation.

Still, it would be too much to ask for him to not practice at least some before he went to bed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep if he didn’t, no matter how good of a day it had been today. Therefore, he slowly slid from his bed down to the floor, where he settled cross-legged.

Beomgyu closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose as he felt for the stream of magic inside him. It was like a second circulation, just like a blood flow, an intricate system of branched vessels like a big tree. The Time flow was nothing one could touch or let alone see with the naked eye. However, it could be felt and guided.

Channeling the magic was one of the first things a child had to learn to be able to perform magic and remained important for each and every spell one learned in their life. Every spell required a set minimum amount of Time to be used, that much could not consciously be influenced, but the correct intensity of the flow and manner of channeling could in fact impact the outcome. The more relaxed a caster was, the more precise they could access their Time flow. This was especially important for intricate spells that required attention to detail.

So, Beomgyu began every practice by settling down and focusing on his body. Usually, it also simply helped him to calm down from the constant restlessness inside him.

As he opened his eyes again slowly, he searched his mind for a spell he wanted to practice. He should take an older one and go over it again. After all, he still needed to recap the latest ones with Kai tomorrow and additionally, this wasn’t supposed to be a longer session. Knowing himself, he was sure it would get out of hand otherwise and only the morning sun would pull him out of his practice.

Finally, he decided to go for the teleportation spell. It was not only one of the first advanced spells that was learned very early on, but also a regularly used one. There was nothing wrong with reducing the amount of Time he used for this by practicing a little more.

Beomgyu thought back to earlier today, when Soobin and Kai had sent messages back and forth to agree on a time to meet. Undoubtedly, he would have to do that in front of the others or between them as well some day, he needed to be prepared. The more he practiced, the less Time it would consume until he perfected it. Less Time consumed was all he wanted. Of course, the Time-return would also be lower as his learning curve was already flattened, but that didn’t matter right now.

Slowly, he raised his right hand and focused on the tip of his index finger, that now began drawing a character in the air. It was harder than writing them on paper, to draw them steadily and with precision required hard work. Any wonky lines, inaccuracies or errors would disrupt the correct channeling of magic and make the spell either fail, diminish its effect or just result in more Time being used than needed.

Every part of spellcasting was like this. Do it improperly or imprecisely and you don’t only risk it going wrong or perform not the way you want it to, but also waste Time. It was important to get every aspect of it as perfect as possible. He would stick to the characters for today, though.

His hand slid slowly from right to left in a downward angled line, then in the middle of the stroke he added another straight one from top to bottom. Retreating his finger to continue next to the beginning of the first stroke, he added a small, very short one angled down to the left and a longer horizontal line underneath. Lastly, he added another short angled one below and finished with something that looked like an upside down ‘T’.

The image of the character was so clear in his head that it almost appeared to float in the air in front of him, even though not being able to see them as one drew was what made this part of magic so complicated.

The character just now had been the one for location, for the remaining part of the spell he would need to add those that would tell the magic what exactly it had to do with location, which was changing it, as well as what thing should change location, in his case a small object.

Fortunately, for this spell no more specifics were needed. The rest was determined by imagination, will and focus of the caster. However, some intricate spells contained so many characters to specify different variables that Beomgyu felt dizzy even thinking about it.

Dissatisfied with the accuracy of his drawing, he sighed and started to repeat it. Over and over.

When his arm began to grow tired and Beomgyu felt like the shapes had infiltrated every corner of his brain to a point that they looked and felt just wrong, he finally called it a day.

Tiptoeing to and from the bathroom to not potentially disturb Soobin next door, he finally fell into the welcoming arms of his bed— just after midnight. When had been the last time he had went to bed this early?

“See you next week, Taehyun.”

The addressed jerked his head up in an abrupt motion. His eyes were wide and full of surprise as they stared at the back of Soobin’s head, who had already walked past. Taehyun’s eyes darted over to Beomgyu, who himself looked back and forth between the two of them.

Soobin had sounded so casual, like he had been greeting Taehyun every morning since forever. Was this a new strategy?

As his gaze was caught by the lone figure and his eyes, almost as big as saucers, he felt compelled to at least nod in greeting. Something was different about those eyes today. They didn’t seem quite as dark and hollow as usual. But maybe he only imagined it as he followed Soobin outside.

“What was that?”, he asked in a hushed voice when he caught up.

“Mh?” Soobin looked back at him from walking ahead. “What was what?”

“Just now? ‘See you next week, Taehyun’? And then you just leave? He looked like he was close to a heart attack”, Beomgyu scoffed and made the first stair on the staircase squeak as he stepped on it.

“Ah. That.” Soobin straightened up more. “I think I am at a point where I can trick him into becoming friends with us without him even noticing.” He grinned.

Beomgyu frowned skeptically. “Since when are you an evil mastermind? Also, the startled deer face definitely looked like he noticed something.”

Now opening the big, winged door that led outside, Soobin smirked as he only retorted, “You’ll see.”

Somehow Beomgyu felt like he would indeed see. After all, Soobin had already proven to him once that what he did worked. Still, he couldn’t explain to himself where this shy, introverted person got all that people-skills from. And why he didn’t use them in his everyday life.

He snickered at the image of Soobin that arose in his head, freezing as if he were solid ice and fumbling for words every time a stranger approached him. Or the startled look he had worn at their first encounter when Beomgyu had started to ramble next to him in his nervousness.

Soobin threw him a look from the side as if he knew exactly what his friend was thinking about, daring him to speak it out loud.

However, Beomgyu had to skip on the opportunity, as a sweetly smiling Kai stalked towards them, waving both his hands to get their attention. Behind him Yeonjun followed and simply raised his hand in greeting. It would have appeared cold and unengaged if not for the grin that spread across his face as soon as their eyes met.

As they made their way towards them, Beomgyu noticed a group of girls that was grouped at one of the tall windows looking after Yeonjun and whispering among each other. Not far from them, two boys nudged each other in the side and nodded in his direction.

Beomgyu silently snorted at the picture before him. Yeonjun really was something. He had to admit, all this fuss by his fellow students made him incredibly curious to get to know the older boy better and see who he really was.

“Hi!”, Kai greeted them cutely as the two of them arrived and came to a stop.

What a sunshine. Beomgyu hadn’t even have time to be worried about this interaction, after all, it was only their second meeting and usually he needed some time to adjust to new people. But now, his mood already seemed to increase a few notches. A tenseness he hadn’t quite noticed before disappeared; the relief of some weight being lifted from his shoulders that he'd grown so used to that he only felt it now that it was gone.

He had thought that Soobin had already been the one that gave him a sense of simplicity and lightheartedness. And he was just that, there was no denying the soothing presence Soobin was for him, a stable scaffolding that held up the crumbling structure of Beomgyu’s life. But although he still couldn’t quite put his finger on it, he knew that something had changed. He was sure it was a good kind of change, though.

“I’m really so hungry, you wouldn’t believe it”, Yeonjun grumbled. “I couldn’t even really concentrate on the lesson for the past thirty minutes. I can’t wait for the food.” His eyes lit up, as if the thought of food alone raised his happiness by multiple levels already.

“Oh, I just remembered something.” Kai turned to look between Soobin and Beomgyu, who were walking just a step behind him because although the road was fairly wide, it was too narrow for all four of them to walk next to each other without blocking it completely. “Soobin, didn’t you tell me about Beomgyu being Madame Kwon’s favourite student of all time? We’ll get to see now wether you exaggerated, won’t we?”

Beomgyu pulled his eyebrows together in a frown.

“Who the hell is Madame Kwon?”, he asked confused. He was sure he never heard that name before in his life.

“The cafeteria lady”, Soobin answered simply next to him.

“She has a name?!”

Judging by the look he threw him, Soobin had known her name this entire time and just let him call the elder ‘cafeteria lady’ without even thinking about informing him. Somehow, he was not surprised. Soobin had not felt it necessary to correct him or give him further information a couple of times before.

Like that one time Beomgyu had found out that Pisces was, in fact, not pronouncesd as Pis-kess— which had earned him a squeezing laugh from Soobin. When Beomgyu asked him why he had never corrected him, he had just shrugged his shoulders. "It's cute when you say it like that."

To this day he suspected Soobin of not knowing either and only acting like it, though.

"Why didn't you tell me?", he pouted now.

"You didn't ask."

"Sounds to me like you're just a meanie, Soobin", Yeonjun chimed in with a playfully raised eyebrow.

Beomgyu looked at him with big puppy eyes and pushed his lower lip into a now exaggerated pout. "Right? He does this all the time."

"How can you be mean to such a cutie?". Yeonjun looked like he was second away from pinching Beomgyu in the cheek. Beomgyu cutely tilted his head to the side.

"Wow, he's really good at this", Kai marvelled.

Soobin only scoffed.

They stepped inside the cafeteria building and headed straight to the food counter, as always. And as always, the sweet lady— Madame Kwon Beomgyu now knew— greeted them excitedly.

"Hello my dear boys! Oh, would you look at that, your group got bigger." Her eyes almost disappeared under her wrinkly cheeks as she smiled brightly.

"Yes, Soobin introduced us", Beomgyu replied.

"Did he finally? How nice."

Finally? It sounded like she had been expecting this development all along. But how did she know? The four of them shared a few confused glances, so Beomgyu knew he wasn't the only one who found this slightly odd.

"So, what's on the menu today?", Yeonjun asked, changing the topic, and looked around the counter hungrily. He really didn’t waste any time.

Her eyes lit up. "It's quite warm outside, so I prepared something accordingly. You'll like it."

"He likes everything, though", Kai snorted.

Madame Kwon gave him a chiding look before raising her hand and letting her fingers dance through the air so quickly that Beomgyu’s eyes had no chance of discerning the characters she was drawing.

Immediately, trays, bowls, and pots rose from their places, and guided by the elegant movements of her wrinkled hands, they floated through the air. Bowls were filled, and trays were loaded. Finally, four finished portions of food landed on the counter before them.

Beomgyu had watched all this in amazement and caught himself almost rubbing his eyes in wonder. What control over magic this old lady demonstrated, with an ease as if it were like breathing.  She hadn’t even had to speak the spells out loud, which could only mean she had perfected them to a degree that allowed no further improvement and had transitioned into a sort of automation. She probably consumed only the absolute minimum amount of time demanded by this spell.

This level of mastery was what everyone aspired to and could only be achieved with years, if not decades, of practice. It was rare to see something like this in everyday life. Most automated spells that adults mastered were the simplest and most fundamental, like creating fire. Not telekinesis with this number of objects.

He wondered if Madame Kwon was equally adept with living organisms when it came to telekinesis. And what she was doing here in the cafeteria of this small school, when she was obviously so proficient in this field and possibly even more.

With a gentle smile, she pushed one tray into his direction. “Here, my dear, this one is for you. Make sure to eat it all, yes?”

Beomgyu threw a glance into the metal bowl and almost choked on his own spit when he saw the mountains of cold noodles covered in red sauce and two eggs on top instead of the usual one.

“I— I’m sorry I— can’t possibly eat all that”, he stammered.

“Nonsense, you’d do well eating a little more”, she dismissed his objection and waved her hand so that the tray almost pushed itself into his hands. “Enjoy your meal, boys.” She turned around and waddled to another group of students that had just arrived, effectively shutting down any further discussion.

“Woah, she can’t be for real”, Yeonjun exclaimed, his eyes about to pop from his skull, and peered into Beomgyu’s bowl. “I really thought Soobin was exaggerating but what the hell is this favouritism? What did you do? Because whatever it was, I need to do it, too.” Yeonjun almost glared at him, jealousy clearly sparking in his eyes.

“I didn’t do anything.”

Yeonjun dodged a tiny female student that had been in a conversation with a friend and almost ran into him as they made their way to their usual table by the window. “You must have charmed her”.

“You know spells to charm people are incredibly immoral and not exactly allowed?”, Beomgyu replied with a frown.

Laughing, Yeonjun nudged him in the side with his elbow; gently, so neither of their trays shook so much as to spill food. “I meant with your natural charm, you dummy.”

“Oh. Right.”

He felt a little stupid, having thought about using magic to influence people's perception instead of the way more obvious conclusion of just doing it naturally. But the other boy peered at him with what could only be read as fondness, so he knew this was only friendly banter from Yeonjun’s part. No reason to lay awake at night and mull over this small mistake. Maybe he still would.

They finally arrived at their table, that was miraculously free every time they got there, and sat down. Well, maybe not that miraculously.

During their first weeks on campus, Beomgyu and Soobin had quickly made the decision that this specific table was theirs. Once Beomgyu had gotten used to a certain spot, it was hard for him to give it up.

So maybe— just maybe— he had thrown some very dismissive glances at other students who wanted to sit there or just blatantly told them to sit somewhere else, while Soobin next to him looked as though he was only moments away from evaporating into thin air from embarrassment. Maybe it was a little childish of him, but honestly, he didn’t regret a thing.

Beomgyu looked over to Yeonjun who sat across the table from him, then reached out without thinking twice and grabbed Yeonjun’s bowl.

“What—“, Yeonjun began to protest, then his eyes widened as Beomgyu lifted his own heavy bowl over to him.

“I told Madame Kwon I won’t be able to eat all that. And I won’t. But— Um. You looked like you wanted it, so there you go”, he explained, somewhat shy. It wasn’t a big thing for him, he really couldn’t eat all that much, especially in the recent months. Food was currently more of a necessity to him than a pleasure, although he certainly enjoyed some meals more than others.

However, it was obvious how much Yeonjun enjoyed eating. He would have clearly deserved Madame Kwon’s attention way more and giving him the larger portion was therefore a no-brainer to Beomgyu. And the gesture seemed to be greatly appreciated.

He was sure Yeonjun had liked him from the very first second, just as Beomgyu had liked him in return. But judging by the beaming smile that now spread across Yeonjun’s face, it seemed like he had ultimately secured himself a direct ticket to his heart.

“I have a perfect spot for our session in mind.” Kai finished waving Yeonjun and Soobin goodbye and turned around to face Beomgyu. He was still a little awkward around Beomgyu, now that it was just the two of them, but he couldn’t blame him because honestly, he felt the same way.

With a shy grin, Kai trudged ahead towards the dormitories of his class. Beomgyu followed closely behind. They walked the path past the building and turned around the corner. In front of them, a small open area appeared, where two picnic tables stood protected under the shade of some trees. The sun had been burning Beomgyu's neck all day every time he stepped out of the cooling buildings, so he was grateful for the prospect of shelter from its blazing rays.

"I find it kind of cozy here, you know," Kai explained unsolicited, but as if he felt the need to justify his choice. "I like the quiet here, but it's never completely silent. Complete silence feels so— wrong. The rustling of the leaves and the chirping of the insects always calms me."

Beomgyu knew exactly what he meant. He didn’t like sitting in complete silence either. “I feel the same way.”

It was as though this simple connection already caused some cracks in the lingering tension around them. They both fell silent for a second and Beomgyu could feel himself relaxing a little more as he listened to the life that surrounded him.

Sometimes he wished he could pull magic from nature rather than from practice, perhaps then his illness wouldn’t be such a burden. He wondered where all that lost Time went when it leaked from him; did it evaporate into nothingness or did magic flow around them without anyone being able to see? Somewhere in the world some nerdy researcher probably experimented with broken Timekeepers— leaking magic just as he did.

Kai carefully cleared has throat and Beomgyu opened his eyes that had slowly shut while he swam in those ambient sounds. “Do you want to sit down?”

Beomgyu nodded and they sat opposite of each other on one of the slightly worn picnic tables. “I think we should talk about what you want to use this study session for, exactly, so I can adjust my preparations accordingly”, Kai said.

“Um. Well, mainly I need to keep up with class and make up for the times I’m not present— physically or mentally.” He chuckled lightly, then his face became serious. “But I also wouldn’t complain if we went further than that. I just— I need— So the thing is—” Frustrated with himself for not being able to form a coherent sentence, he stopped.

What am I supposed to tell him? Not the truth, obviously, but I don’t want to lie to him. He looked over to Kai, insecure, but the younger boy only waited patiently for him to continue without uttering a word.

No, he couldn’t lie to this person.

He took a deep breath before he mumbled, “Honestly, I don’t have much Time and I don’t think I will get to where I need to be with just the lessons here. I kind of counted on that, I have to admit. But it’s not really working out the way I planned.”

“I understand. I think I would feel similarly if I had less Time. Which I only have because I kinda won the birth lottery, by the way.” Kai snorted.

“You don’t think you deserve it?”

Kai’s expression became dismissive. “I really didn’t do anything for it.”

“Is that why you’re here? To earn it?”, Beomgyu softly asked.

“Yeah.”

Beomgyu had wondered why someone like Kai, with so much Time, would attend this school. Now it made sense. Kai’s humility and desire to earn what he had spoke volumes about his character. Many would have taken such a gift for granted, but not Kai.

A pang of envy flickered in Beomgyu’s chest. What if he had been born into a wealthy family, one that could afford to give him enough Time to live freely or even find a cure? The thought left a bitter taste, and he quickly pushed it away, ashamed of his jealousy.

“I’m glad you asked me for help, you know”, Kai said, searching for Beomgyu’s gaze. “I feel like I can somehow give back that way.”

“So, I’m your charity project?”

Kai looked absolutely horrified. “I didn’t mean it like that! I would never—”

“I was only teasing you, Kai”, Beomgyu interrupted him gently.

“Oh.”

“Sorry if I scared you.”

Kai waved his hand as he shook his head. “No no, it’s fine. I’m just— a little tense around new people.” He smiled awkwardly at Beomgyu.

“Me too. I usually cope with humour”, Beomgyu stated the obvious and returned his smile.

“Do continue that, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable or anything, now that I know”, Kai reassured him.

Beomgyu grimaced. “That’s good. It’s hard for me to stop anyways.”

Kai chuckled and settled into a more comfortable position. Beomgyu mirrored him, crossing his ankles under the table.

“Shall we start our session?”, he then asked.

Beomgyu didn’t want to interrupt their getting to know each other, but after all, he had come here with a clear goal and taking his time was not really something he felt like he could do in his situation. Especially considering that he hadn’t made any plus with his Time in a while. Sometimes he believed he could hear a faint ‘tick tock tick tock’ following him wherever he went.

Across the table, a bright, warm smile crept across Kai’s face. “Sure. I haven’t prepared anything, though.”

“Obviously, it’s our first session. Um. If it’s okay for you, i would like to recap the class on the basics of healing spells? I completely tuned out of almost the entire lesson”, Beomgyu said with a pained expression. He had slept horribly that night— as usual.

Kai nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, that’s no problem at all! We just did it a few days ago and I thought it was really interesting.”

“Perfect”, Beomgyu breathed.

Kai rummaged through his bag and pulled out a pen and a block of paper. “Okay. I’m ready. Uh… So, how much do you know about the topic of healing generally?”

“Not much”, Beomgyu admitted. He didn’t particularly have great experiences with healers in the past.

“That’s fine. Then, I’m just going to start with the really basic basics to get into the topic.”

Beomgyu nodded in agreement.

“Well, first of all, healing spells are really complicated. As you know, everything involving living matter is kinda difficult. But for healing spells, you need extensive knowledge of the human anatomy, because you don’t only need to know where things are, but also what kind of tissue it is. Every kind of tissue requires different spells and intensity. You know that concept from material manipulation. Of course, it also depends on what exactly you are trying to do.”

“Wait”, Beomgyu interrupted him gently, frowning. “I’m not here to learn to become a healer, how are we even expected to learn that kind of spell here if it’s that complicated?”

“Because it’s good to know the basics for something that can really help you in your everyday life. Don’t you think it would be nice to be able to help your loved ones if they get hurt?”, Kai asked with a warm spark in his eyes.

“I mean… yeah of course. Of course that would be nice.” Except he was the opposite of help for anyone in his life. He was the one that constantly required it and always would.

Kai didn’t seem to notice Beomgyu’s inner resignation at the question and continued his explanation. “Actually, some of the spells aren’t that hard to do. For example, bone mending and treating superficial cuts. Because the first layers of skin and especially bones are easier in their composure and you can’t do as much wrong as with other stuff, they just need a bit of practice.”

“Everything needs a bit of practice, that’s how it works”, Beomgyu snorted softly.

Rolling his eyes, Kai responded, “Yes, captain obvious, but some spells have decent results with little practice already, like basic elemental magic. Kids don’t need a lot of practice to produce flames, water or breezes. They may not be able to control them well, but they don’t have the skills to cause a lot of damage either.”

“Except they accidentally set a curtain on fire”, Beomgyu chuckled and watched Kai’s eyes widen.

“You did not”, he exclaimed, shocked.

Beomgyu brushed his hair behind his right ear before he replied, “Yup, may have almost burned down my childhood home when I was five.”

Kai inhaled sharply. “What even happened?!”

“You have to understand, I was a really cute child and my parents thought I could never do anything wrong. I mean, they kinda still do.” A warm smile spread across his face as he thought about them. He missed them. But at the same time, he couldn’t suppress the sudden surge of guilt. They had to bear a lot because of him; he wished he was just the healthy son they deserved. “They left me alone in the living room for only a moment and it would have been fine, probably. Except that I really wanted to experiment with those newfound fire abilities and the curtain looked like a nice test subject.” He grinned.

“You did not!”, Kai repeated, probably the loudest Beomgyu had heard him yet.

“I did. And my parents were furious. That was the first time my mum really screamed at me, but I think it was more out of shock— oh don’t look at me like I murdered the neighbouring cat, it wasn’t that bad.” Kai’s expression had gradually become more horrified by the second and Beomgyu honestly couldn’t tell if he imagined what could have happened or if he thought about what reaction his parents would have had.

“You’re a menace”, Kai was only able to breathe with wide eyes.

Beomgyu just couldn’t hold it anymore and started giggling. “Oh, Kai, you have no clue exactly what a menace I am.”

“My parents would have killed me.”

Mine don’t have to, my body is doing it for them, he thought, but he stopped himself from blurting it out, because first of all, he would have to explain, and secondly— it was way too dark for their level of friendship.

“Mine are way too nice for that”, he said instead. Wrong decision.

Sadness flashed over Kai’s face as he murmured, “Must be nice.”

Shit.

“But the curtains my mom bought after that were the most atrocious thing i have ever seen in my whole life. I don’t know which grandma she stole them from, but I’m never going to forget that ugly ass floral pattern. I think it permanently damaged my eyes”, he rambled. It was a weak attempt of diverting Kai’s attention from the topic of parents. He would have to keep that in mind to not put his foot in it again.

Miraculously, his distraction seemed to work as Kai’s eyes brightened again and he grinned, probably thankfully accepting the way out. “You don’t have a picture of it by any chance? Because I firmly believe my aunt Eunju will win the battle of the ugliest curtains. I have just as much eye damage as you.”

“There’s absolutely no way! I’ll ask my mom if she still has a picture where you can see it. But I have to warn you, even a picture of them is a serious safety hazard”, Beomgyu joked. Well— half joked, because they had actually been the worst. One day, he had accidentally changed their colour after he had learned the spell for that at school. His dad had never looked more grateful in his life.

“They’re bright yellow”, Kai deadpanned.

“Ew— okay, strong opponent, not gonna lie.”

They joked a little more back and forth, before they finally got back to their tutoring session. However, once Kai had focused on teaching again, he pulled Beomgyu along into a stream of focussed studying and intensive practice.

When they suddenly emerged from the depths of their concentration, Beomgyu hadn’t even felt the time passing, so he was surprised to find the sun had already lowered itself behind the dorm building and cast long shadows onto their picnic table.

He now knew why Soobin had recommended Kai. He was what could only be described as a natural talent when it came to magic, even though he himself would probably never see it that way. But the way he intuitively understood things and was able to relay them to Beomgyu was incredible to watch.

At first, Beomgyu had struggled understanding the inner workings of the spell and how to guide the magic exactly. He had to admit that he had underestimated the complexity of the spells, even with Kai’s lecture earlier. But Kai had shown such patience and explained it in all kinds of ways, until Beomgyu finally understood.

As the shadows grew longer, signalling the end of their session, Beomgyu felt a sense of accomplishment. He glanced at the notes Kai had meticulously written out, filled with annotations and tips that clarified the complexities of healing spells. Kai’s enthusiasm was infectious, and for the first time in a long while, Beomgyu felt a flicker of hope.

“Thank you, Kai,” Beomgyu said sincerely, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled over them. “I learned more today than I have in weeks.”

Kai smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “I’m glad to hear that. I think you’ll catch up in no time.” He paused, then added, “And if you ever need extra help, you know where to find me.”

Beomgyu nodded, feeling a warmth in his chest. As they packed up, the sounds of the evening campus filtered through—students laughing, birds settling in for the night. It felt peaceful, a stark contrast to the anxiety that usually shadowed Beomgyu’s thoughts.

As they walked back to the dorms, Kai turned to him. “By the way, it’s my birthday next week. I want to spend it with all my friends, so I’d really like you to come.”

Me?

Beomgyu peeked up to him, smiling shyly. “I’d love to come.”

“Great! We are going to have so much fun”, Kai beamed.

They parted ways at the dorm entrance, and as Beomgyu climbed, the stairs, he realised that for the first time in a long while, he was genuinely looking forward to the days to come.

However, as he entered his familiar dorm room, he felt an unusual weight in the air, as if something had shifted in his absence. His eyes were drawn to his desk, where he saw the reason for his hunch. There, a small, wooded box with intricate carvings and silver fittings rested. Beomgyu’s heart sank; he knew what it contained.

Slowly, he approached the desk, as if in trance. Then, he stopped, biting his lower lip and staring at the box before him, unsure wether he should open it. But he had to. He clicked the fixtures open, took a deep breath and lifted the lid.

It revealed a gleaming silver pocket watch with a long delicate chain resting upon blue velvet— a Timekeeper. His Timekeeper. Next to it, a neatly folded letter was tucked inside. He closed his eyes, familiar guilt rushing through him. He knew the sacrifices his parents made to ensure he had enough Time, the strain on their own reserves. Not to mention the financial burden of this expensive, but oh so fragile device. Every few years they had to buy a new one as the old one begins to leak its precious Time. And every time they did, they knew this investment would only last temporarily— as soon as it was made, they already had to save for the next one.

As he opened his eyes and unfolded the letter, he noticed his hands had started to shake, and his chest felt as though a chain was tightened around it. He immediately recognised his mothers small and neat handwriting as soon as he lay eyes on the letters. Taking another deep breath to steady himself, he began to read.

Beomgyu my dear son,

I have missed you dearly in the months you have been away already, the house feels so much less lively without you. Have you settled in well? Did you find some nice friends? How is class? Are you learning a lot? There are so many questions I have been holding back for a while. I tried not to be too overbearing, to give you time, but the more time passed, the more I began to wonder why you didn't write to us. After all, it is not quite like you.

When I cleaned your room today, I found your Timekeeper and it all became clear to me. I know you haven't forgotten it here, but purposefully hid it. I do not blame you and neither will I scold you, because I know your reasons. But Beomgyu, my love, your father and I can't help you any other way than to give you our Time through the Keeper. Please, I'm begging you again, let us do this at least for you. Use the Time we give freely, you don't have to struggle alone as we will always be by your side and span a safety net below you so when you fall you won't fall all the way to the ground. That is what parents are supposed to do, so please, my dear, my everything, let us be your safety net this way.

And please, use a little of the Time on the Keeper to send me a message back, it would make me so happy to hear from you.

Take care, my son.

With love,

Mom

Beomgyu sank into his chair, the letter trembling in his hands, tears burning in his eyes. He stared at the Timekeeper, the embodiment of his parents’ love and sacrifices. His chest seemed to tighten even more with the weight of the chaos of emotions within him— gratitude, shame, helplessness. He didn’t want to drain them, to take more than he deserved. Waste it. But he also knew he was slowly running out of Time, and without it— well.

He cradled his head in his hands, feeling the hot tears spill over. Why couldn’t he just accept their help? Why did it feel like such a failure to rely on them? His mother’s words echoed in his mind, about being a safety net, about always being there for him. He knew she meant it, but it didn’t erase that felt he had no right to accept it.

Wiping his tears, he reached for the Timekeeper. It was cool and heavy in his palm, filled to the brim with his parents' magic, with their love. Reading his mother’s word made him feel like, if he would continue to reject the Time they offered him over and over, they would gradually think it was their love he rejected. Maybe they already did, after he had begun to refuse it more over the years.

Beomgyu sat there for a long time, staring at the Timekeeper in his hands, its weight growing heavier by the minute. The room was silent, save for a faint ‘tick tock tick tock’.

Finally, he closed his eyes again and concentrated on the buzzing magic in his hands. He felt two distinct sources, mixing and twirling inside the device. Beomgyu could clearly tell which belonged to his mother and which to his father, their signatures as distinct as fingerprints.

As he transferred some of the Time into his own reserves, a tingling feeling creeping up his arms as it flowed, he felt a mix of relief and sadness. No matter how much he tried to deny it, this extra Time was exactly what he needed. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he took something away that didn’t belong to him and would be of better use to someone else. Someone, who would not just loose it after a few days, anyways. It was wasted on him, really.

This much, however, he could accept. As his mother had wished, he would write her back— that much he owed her. And at least then, this lend Time would be used for something meaningful.

Chapter Text

Round brown eyes stared into his, the surprise in them equal to the one Taehyun felt. See you next week, Taehyun. The boy slowly blinked as Taehyun continued to stare at him in disbelief, then inclined his head in a small nod. He bit his lips, finding Taehyun’s gaze again for a moment before he hurried after Soobin through the door.

See you next week, Taehyun.

He blinked, his eyes slightly stinging with dryness. The sentence swirled around in his head like a gust of wind, tugging at all the neatly stashed away feelings in there. Taehyun didn’t know when someone last spoke to him this casually.

No. He knew. It was before.

After, nothing had ever been casual again. Not a single gaze people threw him, not a single word that was spoken to him, not even a single thought that had crossed his mind. Since then, every interaction was a reminder of his isolation. After, he didn’t belong to the casual world of others anymore. He had entered another dimension where even simply existing wasn’t simple. Where he felt like he had to fight for every breath.

But this simple, casual sentence flooded his depraved lungs like an oxygen infusion, one that his soul had been starving for, and he inhaled deeply, his chest expanding in a way that felt both foreign and necessary, hungrily absorbing every last drop of it. Holding the breath as if they knew it was unsure when the next would come. Burning in a craving for more.

See you next week, Taehyun.

Taehyun’s fingers instinctively found the bracelet on his right wrist, mindlessly guiding the beads on it through them as if counting. The repeated motion was familiar and calming, the smooth and cool beads grounding him in a reality that often felt unbearable. Sometimes he could feel warmth on them, like his sisters touch still lingered there. It was the closest he would ever get to her again. And in his deepest, darkest moments it was the only thing that seemed to anchor him to this world.

A sudden energy surged through Taehyun’s whole body like electricity, and he shot up from his seat. He wasn’t sure where it came from and where it would lead him. He only vaguely registered blurry students still passing by to leave the classroom and before he knew it, he had pushed himself past them outside, making sure to not touch a single one of them.

One blink later he was already standing outside, the sun burning in his eyes and on his shoulders. The sunlight was too bright, too harsh, a stark contrast to the darkness he carried within. He felt exposed, raw, as if the casual words had stripped away the layers he had hidden under. Frantically blinking against the light, he stood there, not knowing where to go. Did he even have somewhere to go?

The campus around him was buzzing with life, but every lively spot seemed foreign, alien, unwelcoming.

During the day, he only had his dorm room to hide in. The space in the middle of the campus was usually taken up by students bathing in the sun, so he couldn't go there. He wouldn't want to anyway, because it wasn't the exact spot that he liked but rather the night's sky that was beautifully visible from there. The cafeteria was way too crowded at this time of day, so that wasn't an option either. He wasn’t sure he could face the crowd and the laughter, the normalcy that only highlighted how different he felt.

But Taehyun just couldn't fight the repulsion he felt at the thought of his room, where the walls could close in on him at any minute and where sometimes his sister's scent lingered so strongly, he felt like he would choke on it. Every possible refuge felt suffocating in its own way.

Where can I go? I have nowhere to go. Everything feels wrong. The realisation settled heavily in his chest, a cold, numbing weight that reminded him of the throbbing and festering wound that was his isolation.

His spiral of thoughts was interrupted by a brief, almost imperceptible brush against his shoulder. The contact was fleeting, but he flinched like he had been stung. His gaze shot up and caught a girl, that had walked past, looking at him, her face a blur through his daze— except the pity in which it twisted as soon as she glimpsed at his appearance.

There it was. The look he had gotten used to. Her expression tightened around his heart like a vise, reminding him of why he had withdrawn in the first place. The look that made him aware that he was only a shadow of who he used to be.

Soobin doesn't look at you like that.

No, he didn't; and it felt like Taehyun experienced that for the first time in his life.

Taehyun had gotten so used to the pity. He should have appreciated the absence of it in the past. He should have appreciated more. All of it. His small family, the laughter, his curiousness and passion for magic. Having places to go. Now, it was all gone. Regret cut through him, sharp and unrelenting, as memories he had tried to bury resurfaced. Not even his childhood home remained after they had moved. But it would have never been the same anyways, wouldn't it? Not after what happened there, not with everything reminding him of Taehee— and the boy he’d been that died along with her.

It wasn't that he'd had many other comfort places than that, magic had been his comfort and— books. Books.

The thought stirred something in him, a faint glimmer of the person he used to be, one full of passion and life. Memories streamed through his head like a movie. Him as a child, bright-eyed and excited, squealing over a book he had wanted for a long time being gifted to him on his birthday. Reading until late at night and falling asleep on the pages. Having a book glued to his hand everywhere he went, even the bathroom, lost in worlds that felt safer than his own. Visiting the local bookstores to just browse— and then walking out with at least one new book regardless. Of hours sitting in the library, nuzzled in his favourite corner, nibbling on a cookie the librarian had gifted him. Blabbering about his latest read to everyone who would listen, or sometimes wouldn’t but he told them anyway. So eager to share his love for stories and knowledge with others. Books had been his escape.

He hadn’t thought about those memories in a long time, afraid of how much they would hurt. Taehyun swallowed. He really hadn’t been sure there even remained some happy, untainted memories in him. Some of those were tainted as well, sure, his whole life was. But it didn’t hurt as much to think about them. Taehyun just hadn’t until now, because in his mind they were closely tied to magic— which he did not want to think about. However, not all books were about magic, and maybe, just maybe, there was a part of him that could still find comfort in them.

He finally knew where he could go.

The bookshelves towered over him, intimidating and inviting at the same time, a labyrinth of knowledge and escape. Books in every size and colour filling them without leaving a single free space. Taehyun knew the library stretched over the whole second floor of the building, just above the classrooms, but from where he was standing it was impossible to see the whole width of the room due to the bookshelves obscuring the sight.

To his left a heavy hardwood desk was situated, a woman in her forties with a straight bob and round classes behind it. She must be the librarian. Politely, Taehyun gave her a small bow in greeting, which she returned with a nod before she lifted the book, she had been reading until he entered, again and buried her pointy nose in it, disappearing back into her world and leaving Taehyun alone with his uncertainty.

Taehyun hesitated to step into the maze of shelves in front of him, doubt creeping up his back. Was this right? Was this the right place to go after all? He had expected himself to react— more. To feel nostalgia or a rush of anxiety— something. But instead, there was only a distant echo of familiarity.  It was if he were walking through a memory, faded and distant, like it had been a lifetime ago. And that was probably almost the best he had felt about something since then.

Almost, except for...

See you next week, Taehyun.

The words echoed again, a lifeline thrown into the void, and Taehyun clung to them as they reverberated through his mind. Like an affirmation, repeating until he believed it. Yes, he would see Soobin next week. Once the weekend was over and next week started, he would go to class and there he would be. Soobin would greet him again like this, right? Offering him a sliver of normalcy that Taehyun had long thought lost. Would the casualness of it remain, or would it shatter like everything else had?

Would his friend also be there? Taehyun knew that some days he wasn't. Just like him. He wondered if Soobin’s friend carried burdens as heavy as his own that kept him from the world.

Soobin's friend. It was rude to call him that, wasn't it? After all, he had introduced himself. Taehyun should know his name. But it had slipped through the cracks of his fractured memory, lost in the chaos that consumed his mind. He should find out next week. Yes, next week he—

His hand stopped on the green leather of some heavy book that he had mindlessly brushed against as he apparently had been strolling along the aisles. He hadn’t even realised he had been walking, the bookshelves pulling him into their orbit without his conscious decision.

Next week.

Oh. That was new. He had forgotten there even existed a next anything. The concept of ‘next’ had been erased from his world, replaced by a stagnant present and a haunting past. Usually all he thought about was what had been, what could have been and what was— never what would be. Never that.

But now, the idea of a ‘next’ hovered in his mind, fragile and uncertain. Even if he had remembered there was a tomorrow, what could he expect from it other than more pain and torment? Did he even deserve a tomorrow when he had taken his sister's chance of a tomorrow?

The weight of his guilt pressed down on him, suffocating and relentless. Taehyun had already lived many tomorrows since then, and he felt undeserving of every single one of them. Yet now, he wondered about it— almost looked forward to it. And it sparked something in that heart of his that had turned cold and dark. It was a dangerous hope, one that had no place in the life he had resigned himself to.

So, you do hope for a better tomorrow? Think you deserve it, huh? It was an ice-cold voice that pierced into his thoughts like an icicle falling from a roof. It wasn’t his, but it lived in him nonetheless, a constant companion. He almost winced in pain. No. No, I don't. I don't. I shouldn't.

Suddenly, the voice of a girl cut in, warm and soft, "My biggest wish is for us all to be happy, Tyun. There's nothing else i want."

A memory, clear before his inner eye, as if it were just happening in front of him, untouched by time and wrapping around him like a comforting blanket. Taehee, laying sprawled out in the deep winter snow, a rosy red painting her soft cheeks and snowflakes glistening in her long dark hair that peeked out under her indigo woollen hat. She had looked so alive, so full of hope, even as her body betrayed her. It had been three days before her death. She had just relapsed the day before, the shock still sitting in Taehyun's bones but unaware of what was to come. He had wanted to fulfil her every wish that day, give them both a fleeting moment of bliss.

So, he had asked, foolishly expecting something that he would be able to give— maybe something he could buy or make. Taehee's wishes had always been rather small, but he had been dead set on getting her whatever she wanted that day, even if it was something he had to go out of his way to make it come true.

But that— even then he had only told her with a heavy heart that he would try his best, which had granted him a beaming smile from Taehee. "Great, because I'm happy if you are!", she had chirped and only the hope in him had kept Taehyun's tears at bay. He had clung to that hope, desperate to give her the happiness she deserved, even if it was just for a moment.

Until even that had been crushed days later, making her wish so far out of reach that he couldn't even catch a glimpse of it anymore.

But just now, in this library, surrounded by the remnants of a world he had once loved, Taehyun may have caught a tiny, hazy sight of it, so far in the distance it could barely be made out by the eye. And he just had to reach out for it. For her. If he did it for her and not for himself, it would be okay, right?

Taehyun realised he was shaking from head to toe, his hand still on the spine of the green leather book, palms sweaty and fingers trembling. The emotions he always fought to keep at bay were now again crashing down on him. His eyes burned, and his cheeks felt wet all the way down to his chin. He didn't even realise he had started crying, but of course he did, because he wept so often at the mere thought of her that he almost expected it now.

He glanced around, fear gripping him at the thought of being seen in this vulnerable state. He wiped the wet stains from his face, his breath hitching as he saw he was alone, the aisle deserted save for him. And he was grateful for that.

Taehyun was so tired of all this.

Yet, hope had been sparked in his heart, and although he told himself to never foolishly give in to it again, he instinctively clung to it like a safety buoy, the only thing that saved him from drowning. If he were honest with himself, he would admit that it was the only thing keeping him afloat. But he also knew that he was slipping again— if him shaking and crying hadn't been enough of a sign already.

Taehyun needed to distract himself if he didn't want to have a full-on meltdown in the middle of the library, which he definitely didn't. Books had always given him exactly that, and even though he didn't believe in any higher deity he prayed that they still did. He really didn't know what else to do.

So, he grabbed the first book he got a hold of— the thick, green-leathered one— and, without a second thought, he set off to find a place where he could read undisturbed.

The aisles were long and intercepted each other occasionally, a labyrinth of knowledge where one could easily get lost.

Taehyun passed a small space with pillows and comfy looking armchairs scattered all over the ground along with piles of books. A single female student was sunken into one of the armchairs and appeared to have fallen asleep over the book that lay sprawled across her lap. He snuck past her with light steps, not wanting to disturb her.

After walking around aimlessly for a bit longer, he hit the other end of the large room. Here, a seating area with multiple tables, neatly lined into rows of four, opened up in front of him. It appeared to be a working area as six other students were hunched over various books and notes at the desks, always politely separated by at least one free desk between them to avoid invading each other’s personal space. They were illuminated by the summer sun falling through the windows at an angle, its rays softer now that the midday heat was over.

There were still quite some free rows where Taehyun would have had sufficient space around him, nobody in any proximity around him, really. But it was still too crowded here. He couldn't bear the possibility of one of them perceiving him in any way, in fact, he was thankful nobody had even peeked up from their work to look at him, yet. He really wanted it to stay that way.

Therefore, he retreated back into the aisle he had been standing at the end of, turning at yet another corner. The last corner; because Taehyun slowly lost energy with every step he took, and he knew he would have to give up soon before it all drained away.

As Taehyun continued to wander through the library, his steps growing heavier with each passing moment, he reached a part of the room that was noticeably quieter, the faint sounds of pages turning and pens scratching barely audible. Here, at the farthest corner of the library, the shelves became taller and denser, casting long shadows that stretched across the floor. The air felt cooler, the space more enclosed, offering a sense of seclusion that he had been unconsciously seeking.

Ahead of him, a large group table occupied the centre of the area, its surface scattered with books left behind by previous visitors. The table was well-lit by a nearby window, which let in soft, natural light, but Taehyun’s gaze was drawn past it, to a small, almost hidden nook tucked between two tall bookshelves that formed a natural barrier. It was barely noticeable, and he would have almost missed it if not for the almost magnetic pull it had on him.

In this nook, a single armchair sat angled toward the window, its back turned to the rest of the room. A small, worn side table accompanied it, just big enough for a book or two because the rest was occupied by an oil lamp. The armchair looked like it had been there for ages, its fabric slightly frayed but still inviting.

The space was partially concealed by the towering shelves, creating a pocket of solitude that felt almost secretive. From here, Taehyun could just make out the edge of the group table, but anyone seated at the table would be unlikely to notice him unless they specifically looked in his direction.

Taehyun approached the armchair cautiously, as if afraid it might vanish if he moved too quickly. When he finally lowered himself into the seat, he felt a sense of calm wash over him, the kind of calm he hadn’t experienced in what felt like years. The chair seemed to mold to his shape, the worn fabric comforting. The window offered a view of the campus grounds, the light filtered through the leaves of the greenery, casting dancing shadows on the floor.

Yes, this was it.

He sighed, relieved that he had found something after all, somewhere where he could breathe— and where he could hide.

Resting the book upon his lap, he opened it carefully. It was a mystery novel, one where every page held the promise of a new clue, a new piece of the puzzle. Everything around him drowned out, disappeared, as he was teleported into that world that wasn't his own, a character that had other problems than him and conflicts that made him forget his own for the moment. He was a character immersed in the hunt for answers, and the conflicts in the story, though intricate, were clear-cut, solvable. He was lost in the comfort of the unknown, with a solution just within reach. And for a moment, like a tiny miracle, he felt like himself again.

A long shadow cast over the pages, making them harder to read for Taehyun, and first, he thought he could just solve that problem by holding the book closer to his face but the strain on his eyes quickly made itself known.

He tried to hold on a little longer to the world he had been in for— he had no idea for how long. But it slipped away quickly, like he was teleported right back into the world he would much rather not belong to but unfortunately did.

Taehyun knew there was a small oil lamp next to him, one with a simple golden stand and a vitreous lampshade, that only waited to be enkindled. All the enormous chandeliers that illuminated the majority of the library had already been lit, probably by the very same librarian he had met earlier. But this one— this he would have to light himself. And of course there were no matchsticks around, because who would need them if igniting it was one of the easiest spells? Nobody but him. Without them, though, there was no chance he would produce any fire. No fire, no reading.

Of course, he could move to a brighter area. Unless he couldn’t. He hadn’t searched for this specific space for nothing. Taehyun would never be able to let go the way he just had anywhere else, that much he was sure of. Therefore, he had to admit to himself that this marked the end of his reading session. A session he had enjoyed way more than he could ever have hoped for, would have ever dared to hope for.

He knew he would return.

Finding his way back to the entrance was something of a hustle because although Taehyun had a good sense of direction, the layout of the library was just confusing. And, honestly, he hadn’t quite payed much attention to it when he had wandered around without any particular direction earlier.

But eventually, he arrived and just quickly nodded the librarian goodbye, who again peered at him over the edge of her book, before he climbed down the stairs.

Outside, the sun was gradually setting behind the trees that surrounded the campus, tinting the sky into a fiery orange like having been set on fire. Students were still sitting and walking everywhere, laughing and chattering, just as always, pointing at the sky and marvelling at its colours.

Taehyun passed them, trying to avoid everyone he came across like getting too close would burn him, as always.

Yes, this was his dark little world.

Two students walked in front of him, a few meters away, one of them laughing loudly and distinctively, and Taehyun wouldn’t have paid them any mind, as always, if the other hadn’t spoken.

“Soobin’s going to get your ass for that, I hope you know that.”

Whipping his head up, Taehyun stared at the back of the boy’s head— a head where the tips of the hair tingled his shoulders. It was Soobin’s long-haired friend. Exactly that long-haired friend he felt so awful about forgetting his name. However, Taehyun had recognised his voice. Even if he hadn’t mentioned Soobin, he would have recognised it.

He can’t see you. After the recognition, this was the second thought that crossed his mind. He fell back a few more steps, but still remained in hearing distance.

“Actually, I think he has grown immune to my teasing”, the other one replied.

The long-haired boy chuckled. “I assure you he has not.”

They both laughed along with each other, and Taehyun again felt so far removed from them, an invisible barrier building into place that separated him from others, isolating him. Like every breath of air that was huffed out in this laughter built it, brick by brick.

Slowly, they stopped, having arrived in front of the dorm building, and Taehyun stopped along with them, refusing to get any closer and risk being seen. He inched closer to a nearby tree, drawn by its long shadow that would obscure him more from sight. Shadow to shadow. But he still couldn’t help himself but to prick up his ears and listen to their conversation.

“Thank you again for today, it really helped a lot”, the long-haired one said, and Taehyun subconsciously leaned forward because it was spoken so softly that it was hard to even hear from this distance.

The other grinned shyly. “I had fun today, really, there’s no need to thank me again. I’m already excited for the next session.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“We’ll see each other tomorrow at breakfast?” Taehyun could see the other fiddling with the hem of his white shirt.

“If Soobin can get me out of bed, we will”, chuckled the long-haired one.

“Great! Alright then, sleep well and I’ll see you tomorrow, Beomgyu”, the other beamed.

Beomgyu.

“You too, Kai. See you tomorrow.”

They parted ways, one heading right to the door and one turning on his heel to go back the way he came. Which was the way Taehyun was still hiding in the tree’s shadow. He awkwardly tried even harder to melt into it so that he wouldn’t be spotted. The boy— Kai— however, didn’t even look into his direction as he stalked past him, a smile playing around the corners of his lips.

Swiftly, Taehyun slipped out of the shadow and approached the dorm building. Beomgyu. That was his name. It rolled smoothly over his tongue as he quietly mouthed it, trying his best to properly memorise it this time. He would make sure to not forget it again.

Beomgyu had already vanished behind the front door, and Taehyun followed behind him, slipping through the entrance and taking the first flight of stairs two steps at once. He didn’t even fully notice he was rushing, until he saw Beomgyu’s back turning the corner at the end of the stairs and only seconds later stood at the very same spot, peaking into the corridor.

He blinked. What are you doing?, the voice in his head scolded. Suddenly, he felt very pathetic. It didn’t matter if Beomgyu would see him, maybe he wouldn’t even recognise him since the corridor was only dimply lit. And even if, it wasn’t a big deal. Wasn’t it?

He was hiding. Taehyun could tell himself he wasn’t, but ultimately, he was. And he didn’t really know how to stop. The only thing he knew right now was that something in himself wanted to stop, wanted to be seen and let him gravitate closer and closer towards the light.

Another part, though, was still scared to touch it. What if he had become a creature of darkness and the light would burn him? Could he deal with that? But what if it was simply warm and welcoming, while he remained in the cold darkness only out of fear?

Right when Taehyun finally convinced himself to step around the corner, Beomgyu stopped in front of a door. He paused, his hand on the door handle, and Taehyun thought he could see a smile tuck at his lips, but he couldn’t be sure due to the distance. Then, Beomgyu opened the door and slipped inside, without ever noticing Taehyun.

Taehyun almost rushed past this door, seemingly paying it no further mind. But as he reached the one that led to his own dorm room, he hesitated. His eyes were magnetically pulled towards the door that had only just closed, the gently clicking sound almost still lingering in the air.

A door just across his own.

He had never taken notice of the person that lived opposite of him. Honestly, he didn’t even know who the person in the room next to him was— and they shared a bathroom. One he didn’t use much and if he did, it was during odd hours and always with the door that led to the other room securely locked from inside. Taehyun didn’t need to know who his neighbour was, or who lived in the other rooms around him.

And yet, he found himself surprised, staring at the solid wood and the number 303 written on there. He’d always made a habit of keeping his distance, avoiding any awareness of the lives behind these doors, but now, knowing Beomgyu was just a few steps away, a quiet but insistent curiosity tugged at him. It wasn’t just the name or the fleeting glimpse of Beomgyu’s smile, it was the unsettling feeling that his carefully maintained detachment was starting to fray.

As he finally tore his eyes away and entered his own door, the number seemed to have burned itself into his retina against the darkness of his room.

The clicking of the door closing rang in his ears as he stood in this darkness for a moment, unmoving and rapidly blinking. The heavy curtains prevented any of the remaining light from outside to come in, so once he released himself from his stupor, he had to blindly find his way over to his bed. Fortunately, the way wasn’t all too long, as the room itself was not very spacious.

His hand slid across the surface of the bedside table, searching for the matchsticks that rested there. Soon, his fingers found them and the lamp on the small table was quickly lit.

There was a bigger lamp that could illuminate the entire room on the ceiling above him, and it could be lit by a switch right next to the door. But it used a minuscule amount of the users Time to light up the lamp and although it wasn’t a spell he himself cast, it was too close to casting magic for Taehyun’s taste. The lamp was too bright anyway.

Taehyun slumped back against the headrest of his bed, closing his eyes and slowly exhaling. Everything that had happened today ran through his mind, and as he looked back, he realised that he remembered.

And that it felt— good.

There it was, the word he hadn’t dared to even think again. Hadn’t dared to hope for. Yet, it was the first to come to mind. Of course, this good was nothing compared to the feelings of happiness the old Taehyun had experienced, but for the new one it felt so much, so huge in comparison

He inhaled deeply, almost savouring this breath of air that filled his lungs.

Until a sweet scent mixed into it, not overly sweet to a point of making one’s stomach churn, but rather like peaches in the sun, warm and only hinting at the flavour within them.

Taehyun’s eyes snapped open in an instant. He knew this scent all too well and he knew what would follow. He had been worried about it earlier today, and it had been part of the reason he’d even gone to the library in the first place.

It was Taehee’s scent. Warm, sweet and yet subtle. Taehyun liked this smell and had taken comfort in it the first time he had smelled her after that day. But that had quickly turned into the opposite when it started to grow stronger the more breaths he took and became so overwhelming with time that he felt like he would choke because he couldn’t bear it any longer.

So, even that was taken from him.

Usually, he could escape that smell as soon as he simply walked away. And that was exactly what he did. Taehyun was out of his room before he could inhale for a second time, the door slamming behind him.

Once again, he was standing in the corridor. And once again, he realised, he had fled. Fleeing kind of had become his new hobby, it seemed.

Taehyun lingered, again. Linger, flee, hide. It was like he was in a game where he could only choose between those options. Apparently, though, there was a fourth option. Staring. Staring at Beomgyu’s door. He didn’t even know why.

He buried his face in his hands, frustration burning inside him. Too many voices screamed in his head, some whispered, some were entirely unintelligible. He felt like his mind was being torn between all those thoughts, feelings, memories, fears— and hopes.

Taehyun knew he needed to calm himself, because else he would just shut down at some point and he tried to avoid that as much as he could. He knew what would help him and where he needed to go, now that night had settled in.

Rushing outside was familiar and the action alone already soothed him.

As he reached the door, his hand outstretched to grab the handle and push it open, it suddenly opened by itself. A tall figure became visible through the crack in the door and Taehyun felt horrified for a moment at the thought of meeting another person. He hadn’t really thought about that possibility, although it was only just past sunset and the time they all were supposed to be inside their rooms was still some time away.

“Oh, hello Taehyun,” the figure greeted with a soft, gentle voice. Taehyun finally looked at the person, really looked— instead of just glimpsing at them before staring at their feet.

It was Soobin.

He seemed surprised as well, his eyes slightly wide and his lips parted, but hinting a smile.

Taehyun felt like the power source to his brain had been cut and not a single thought remained, wiped blank just like that. So again, he stood, and he stared.

Soobin opened the door a little wider and the night’s cool air brushed against Taehyun’s skin. The tall boy eyed him, maybe even studied him to determine how to proceed in this situation.

“Are you going outside?,” he then asked, throwing a glance over his shoulder. Then Soobin looked back at Taehyun and frowned, slowly shaking his head. “Scratch that. That was a stupid question. You’re at the door, of course you are.” He awkwardly bit his lip.

Taehyun was still staring at him. He had the urge to say something, but his head remained empty.

The door creaked as Soobin opened it even more to fully step inside, finally.

“It’s only an hour until the official bedtime, so… keep that in mind. Wherever you’re headed just, you know, take care.” Soobin’s gaze found Taehyun’s and Taehyun could see that the other was searching for something there. He didn’t know what, though, because there still wasn’t very much happening behind those eyes of his.

Soobin slowly began to move past Taehyun towards the stairs, still holding his gaze.

“Uhm. Good night. And… see you around?” It sounded like a question. There was a warmth in his voice that seeped into Taehyun’s body. Yes, he wanted to respond.

Taehyun only blinked.

With eyes like a hawk, Taehyun was staring at the door. He had been staring at it for a while— since he’d arrived in the classroom and taken a seat to be exact.

Every time a student entered, he sat up a little straighter, just to deflate again when he saw it wasn’t them.

He was waiting.

The weekend had passed, and Taehyun didn’t really have any recollection of it. He only knew he had mainly spent it inside his head or buried in a book at the library.

Taehyun had thought and struggled, had tried to then drown his thoughts out with stories, only to become overwhelmed by the very same thoughts as soon as he stopped reading. It had been exhausting to say the least. Nothing new, and still it felt different now.

One particular thought that he didn’t quite seem to be able to shake had been his instinct to answer Soobin’s question— and his inability to actual do it. And every time the memory crossed his mind it was accompanied by the thought that Soobin and Beomgyu would just stop when he himself continued to give them back nothing at all.

He didn’t want them to stop.

Again, the door opened, and a second later gentle eyes met his. Taehyun’s back instantly straightened up so fast he could almost hear his spine snap into place. His heart was beating just a little faster in expectation.

“Good morning, Taehyun,” greeted Soobin, a smile again playing around the corner of his lips as if he knew that Taehyun had only waited for this.

Taehyun blinked twice, rapidly. The urge to respond grew, and still, the only thing he managed to do was incline his head ever so slightly. He didn’t believe Soobin would actually notice this tiny gesture, but it was all he was apparently able to give at the moment.

He really couldn’t do anything right.

Before he could get frustrated at himself again, Beomgyu entered the room closely behind Soobin, his hands lazily in the pockets of his grey sweatpants. He found Taehyun’s gaze as well, something sparking in his eyes as soon as he did. He tilted his head lightly and only pulled his right hand out of the pocket to lift it in greeting.

Taehyun felt his hand twitch on the table, and it was just as tiny of a reaction as before. But Beomgyu’s eyes quickly flicked towards the hand and back to Taehyun’s face, before he joined Soobin at their table. For the whole lesson Taehyun berated himself for his meekly reaction and if he didn’t, he thought about Beomgyu possibly noticing his attempts.

When the class ended, Taehyun did not dart out of the room as usual but waited for the two of them to pass.

“See you tomorrow, Taehyun,” Soobin said with the same smile as before.

“Bye,” Beomgyu only added, but now Taehyun was even more sure there was something in the way he looked at him.

This time he had internally prepared himself better than before, and maybe Soobin and Beomgyu noticed his nod in response now.

The next morning, Taehyun was again staring at the door, already more comfortable in waiting. The day before he had still denied the fact that he was, to some extent, not being able to fully admit it.

But no matter what how stupid it felt, those small exchanges, the warmth it gave him was like a spark to someone freezing. Like a drop of water for someone parched. Just a minuscule relief but giving the spark of hope life. And after all, it is hope that keeps people going.

Taehyun told himself he wouldn’t hope and even thought he couldn’t after it had been shattered once. But that is the thing with hope, it sprouts in the most unlikely places and even in the darkest abyss if fed by even the hint of a drop of water and light.

Soobin had fed Taehyun’s hope, and now it was hungry for more. And for some reason, that after all these weeks still hadn’t revealed itself to Taehyun, Soobin seemed to be set on delivering more of it every day.

Today, just as yesterday, he greeted him softly and acknowledged Taehyun’s even more visible nod with a dimply grin that made his eyes light up. Beomgyu was still looking oddly at Taehyun but greeted him with a “Hi” this time. And just as yesterday, Taehyun waited until they left the room and told him goodbye before he left for the library that had quickly become his safe space.

On Wednesday, Taehyun hadn’t really slept all night because he had quickly awoken from a nightmare and was too scared to go back to sleep after, so he had snuck out to lay in the grass and stare at the sky.

Everything in him was still fighting, pulling him left and right, tearing him apart. But telling Taehee about it all helped him order his conflicting feelings. Nevertheless, it had cost him so much energy, and the lack of sleep didn't help either.

Therefore, when Soobin and Beomgyu greeted him today, it didn't really register in his brain, the sound muffled and Taehyun's eyes staring into the void.

As soon as they had sat down and the gears in Taehyun's lethargic brain clicked into place, a foreign anxiety rushed through his limbs.

He had just ignored them.

What if they think it was intentional? What if they stop? If they don't talk to me again?

He thought of losing the only moments in the day where he felt like he could touch the light and feel warmth again paralysed his body and ripped at his chest. Taehyun wanted nothing more than to make it right again, jump out of his chair and hurry towards them tell them he didn't mean it. Even beg them not to stop if he needed.

But the lesson had started, and he couldn't. So, he was forced to sit and wait, his fingers anxiously fiddling with the bracelet around his wrist and thoughts spiralling.

When the lesson ended, he didn't know how to look at them as they approached, watching them with a lowered head like a dog that had been kicked. And they just… greeted him like nothing had happened.

Taehyun could have cried in relief.

After that, he needed to somehow make it right, make it up to them. Give something back. Maybe they had reacted like nothing happened just this once but then later came to the conclusion that he was not worth the effort after all? He couldn’t let that happen; the thought alone was like a knife to the heart.

So, when Thursday rolled around, he didn’t only stare at the door and waited for Soobin and Beomgyu to enter like the days before.

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning, he rehearsed in his head, his lips moving almost unnoticeably. Taehyun had repeated the same two words so many times now that they started to lose all their meaning, and he was sure they would be ingrained into his head for the rest of the day.

But when the door finally opened to reveal Soobin and Beomgyu, who did as they did every morning, Taehyun could only feel his lips moving in the shape of the words. No voice wanted to leave his dry throat. Disappointment flooded through him. You just can’t do anything right.

The weight of his failure pressed down on him, echoing the countless times he’d fallen short in his own eyes. The sting of not being able to do something so simple gnawed at him. Just like the day before, he felt miserable the whole lesson, staring at the backs of the two he wanted to do it right for. Perhaps, this regret triggered the determination in him, some kind of fighting spirit that stirred inside again, waking up from its slumber.

And when they walked past him, Taehyun whispered, “Bye.”

As he woke up on Friday, he felt like his body had been turned to bronze again, heavy, stiff and hollow. He rolled over to the side and pulled the blanket over his head, as if the curtains didn’t already block all the light from entering his room. Closing his eyes, he just wanted to sleep.

Until something knocked carefully at his consciousness, soft but yet insistent. Soobin. Beomgyu. He sat up abruptly, suddenly determined to get up after all, ignoring his tired body. Today, he had a new chance after he had failed at his mission yesterday.

Taehyun wasn’t as early to class as before, and on his way, he worried that they had already arrived before him. That he had missed his chance. As he opened the door, a breath of relief left his body at the sight of the two empty chairs in front of their table.

Today, he didn’t have any any time to mentally prepare himself— not that that had helped the day before. As soon as he sat down, the door opened.

“Good morning, Taehyun,” Soobin said with a friendly tuck at the corner of his lips.

“Morning,” Taehyun breathed. And immediately forget to inhale again, his mouth slightly opened and his eyes wide in surprise. He said it.

Soobin stopped in his tracks and Beomgyu almost bumped into him. He was staring at Taehyun with a softer version of his own surprise, and then a wide smile spread all across his face. “See you later, Taehyun,” Soobin replied cheerfully, and his words felt like a reward.

Beomgyu only stared at him, kind of left behind by Soobin, who had already walked over to their table, just looking back at him. Taehyun noticed that something looked different about Beomgyu than before. Better. He wasn’t sure what it was, exactly. And he didn’t have a lot of time to think about it, because Beomgyu cleared his throat quietly. “Hey, Taehyun.”

Taking a deep breath and quickly squeezing his eyes shut— one word, you just have to say one word— Taehyun replied shakily, “H-hi.”

Beomgyu’s face immediately softened and it was as if though the whole world had just become a little less harsh.

It was weird how a sense of accomplishment overcame Taehyun after those exchanges. After all, objectively, there hadn’t been a lot of words spoken, and to anyone else, it would probably be such a mundane thing. But to Taehyun, it had been a path so full of obstacles that he hadn’t been sure if he could ever make it. Yet, he did. He had reached for the hand that had been lowered into his abyss, climbed to even come near it, and fought to approach it. If he had taken it yet— that, he didn’t know. But somehow, he now trusted it to hold on.

And as the time came to leave the class for the final time this week, he felt like it had been a whole month. When they told him goodbye for the last time this week, he responded in a way that was the closest he had come to casual since then. And how could that have possibly happened in only a week?

Taehyun opened his eyes on Saturday and knew that something had definitely changed.

It wasn't that waking up felt better, or that his night had been easier. He still dreaded the weekend, because he always broke down on the weekend and now, additionally, he felt the weight of loneliness pressure on him.

If he had believed he had felt the absence of human connection before, he’d been wrong. Now that he had gotten a taste of it again, the emptiness in the absence of even that tiny taste spread inside him. Today, he wouldn't naturally see Soobin and Beomgyu.

Taehyun felt a sense of absurdity at the dependence on them he had so quickly developed, built on— nothing really. Just a speck of kindness. And that was all it had taken.

Well, maybe more than a speck. Taehyun had to acknowledge Soobin's persistence, and a part of him even admired Soobin for the way he had been able to change Taehyun's perspective like that. Their little ritual every day had given Taehyun something he could reliably look forward to, and even if he could not give as much one day, nothing changed. Admittedly, Taehyun had now abandoned his mindset of staying away from people for quite a couple of days.

He knew it had been unrealistic to begin with, but for a while it had felt like his only option. Now, he knew it wasn't. The wall he had built wasn't as sturdy as he had thought. And even if he was on the other side of a one-sided mirror, it maybe wasn't entirely impossible someone could still see him through it and pull him from his parallel world of solitude and darkness.

So, although getting up wasn't easier, it didn't seem quite as dark as before in his room. At least, he got up in the first place. Although the Saturday before was just a dark spot in his memory, he was sure he hadn’t even left his bed. Today, he even took a shower, left his room and went to get breakfast.

Taehyun wasn’t exactly hungry, but he went anyways. If he had been honest with himself, he would have realised that he was there because he was looking for something else. Or someone.

But he did not find who he was looking for, despite sitting on the edge of the cafeteria for quite a while, unsure what to do next. As he left, he tried to pretend that the hint of disappointment in him wasn’t there.

He still didn’t know what to do with his day— he still didn’t really have any point in his current life except making it to the next day and trying to stick to the routine he had built. On the weekends, however, there was no routine, so he was utterly clueless what to do with himself.

Mindlessly, he strolled the campus, heading in the direction of the library. It was the only place where he could pass the hours while he waited for the day to end. It was a little sad that this hobby of his, that had brought him so much joy once, now had so quickly again deteriorated into that.

Still deep in his thoughts and shuffling across the campus, his eyes wandered over the green area where he liked to lay at night. As always, students were gathered there to enjoy the sun on a blanket, and he even spotted a basket next to them as though they were on a picnic. Their laughter floated through the air towards Taehyun’s ears, a boy with bubblegum pink hair lightly slapping another on the back.

Taehyun felt something sting in his chest and was about to turn away when his slow mind processed something, and he almost whipped his head around to look at the group again. Some of them were sitting so he could only see their back, but Taehyun thought he recognised one of the two that faced him, his shoulder-long hair gleaming in a warm chestnut colour.

He seemed to feel the presence of Taehyun’s attention on him because he looked up and met his eyes. And yes, Taehyun had been right— it was Beomgyu. Familiar warmth spread in Taehyun, reminiscent of their interactions this week, and the urge to step closer to the group rose in him. But he tried to suppress it the best he could. This eye contact had to be enough for today.

That was until Beomgyu said something to one of his friends, the one that had been nudged in the back, and nodded in Taehyun’s direction. The friend turned his head and now Taehyun recognised Soobin, who was brightly smiling at him. Always smiling at him.

What happened next felt so surreal to Taehyun, that he wasn’t sure if it was actually happening or if it all was just a dream he would soon awake from. Soobin raised his hand and waved at him. “Taehyun!”, he called and gestured for him to come over.

Taehyun’s head was so full of reasons not to approach them, anxieties and insecurities. But like it had happened before, his body set into motion before his head had even decided how to proceed.

Against all his instincts, Taehyun found himself moving closer, feeling the distance between them begin to close.

Chapter Text

Beomgyu stared at Soobin for a second, disbelief in his eyes, before he looked back at the person who was slowly approaching them with careful steps. Taehyun’s eyes were slightly widened and trembling like a wild animal ready to flee at the mere sign of danger.

"I can't believe he's actually coming", Beomgyu whispered under his breath.

Both Kai and Yeonjun looked back and forth between Beomgyu, Soobin and Taehyun, questions in their eyes. Soobin also watched Taehyun, his head turned, so Beomgyu could only see part of his face, yet his expression seemed pleased. Then, he leaned towards Kai.

"Sorry Kai, I know it's your birthday picnic and I should have asked you before I called him over. I think Taehyun's going through a very hard time and I don't think he has anyone, you know," Soobin murmured in a volume that all four of them could hear it but that wasn't loud enough for Taehyun to hear, as he was still a few meters away.

Kai's face brightened at the explanation. "Oh, I see! So, him joining us is a good thing, right?"

"Very good," confirmed Soobin with a nod.

"Then, he's more than welcome to join, of course!" The smile on Kai's face became even wider. Although Beomgyu perceived Kai as a rather shy person, he seemed open about making new acquaintances or even friends. Not only that, but he also accepted people easily with warmth and an open mind. Additionally, during the course of the last week Beomgyu more and more got the expression that Kai accepted anything a little more readily when Soobin asked him for it.

From the other side of the blanket, Yeonjun chimed in, "I guess the more the merrier. And we have enough food for one more person anyways." It didn’t surprise Beomgyu that Yeonjun, too, was quite accepting of this addition to their small gathering. After all, he was probably the most sociable out of all of them.

And they did indeed had enough food. Usually, it wasn't easy to get your hands on food outside of the cafeteria, especially things like the big two story birthday cake that Soobin had turned up with this morning when they went to surprise Kai in his dorm room.

“Where the hell did you even get this? The campus is literally in the middle of nowhere,” Beomgyu had asked after he had finally been able to pick up his jaw from the floor. And of course, Soobin had only smirked. “Trade secret.”

That annoying prick.

It turned out that Beomgyu wasn’t the only person Madame Kwon liked, and Soobin had just asked her in his usual sweet and soft manner, probably showing his dimples for persuasion. Of course, Beomgyu only got this information because Kai had also asked, and Soobin more than readily bragged about it.

Later at the cafeteria, Madame Kwon had shoved a basket that could have fit a whole toddler into Kai’s arms after wishing him a very happy birthday in a volume that now probably half the school knew about it. He’d shyly hid behind the basket, stumbling a little from its weight. The elder only laughed and made it temporarily lighter by casting a spell with a flick of her wrist. This small gesture alone left them speechless for several seconds, marvelling yet again at the ease she displayed when casting magic, then the chatting and laughter started again.

As they settled down in the middle of the campus, in just the right spot where the sun graced their faces but still protected by some shade, they all audibly gasped at the sight of what was inside the basket.

Madame Kwon had truly meant well when she had packed everything. First, Kai lifted a small box out onto the red-checkered blanket that Soobin had brought along and when he removed the lid, the scent of warm soft egg tarts hit their noses. Next, he pulled out a box of pineapple, cut into small bite-sized cubes, another one full of grapes and one with sticks of cucumber. At the bottom of the basket was a huge box with sandwiches with fillings from cheese, lettuce and tomato to ham, tuna and eggs in different combinations. On the side were two glass bottles with a wooden lid, one full of cold coffee and one with lemonade.

So, with all that crammed into the small space between them in the middle of the blanket, arranged around the birthday cake— yes, they had enough to eat for one more person.

Beomgyu carefully nibbled on a juicy green grape, his eyes still trained on Taehyun who had now already reached them and carefully slowed his steps. He didn’t know if it was the sunlight that tinted Taehyun’s skin, but he looked somewhat better than the weeks before; his skin was still white as a sheet of paper, but his eyes weren’t quite as dull and sunken in. Before, his face had sometimes looked more like a skull in certain light, his gaze usually unfocused. Now, he seemed more alert— more alive.

Good.

Taehyun came to a full stop, still about a meter from the blanket, insecurity clearly written on his face, but also a hint of curiosity. His eyes continued to flicker from person to person, not sure who to look at or maybe afraid to catch their gaze for too long.

“Taehyun!”, Soobin happily exclaimed with a bright smile. “Long time no see.” It hadn’t even been a day.

Taehyun didn’t get any time to reply just yet, because Soobin just continued talking cheerily. “Ah, right, meet my friends! You already know Beomgyu. This is Yeonjun and this right here is Kai. Everybody say ‘hi’ to Taehyun.”

A choir of “Hi Taehyun!” in tones ranging from warm (Yeonjun) to just as cheerily as Soobin had sounded (Kai) to almost casual (Beomgyu).

Visibly a little overwhelmed by the situation, Taehyun only breathed a quiet “Hi” in return. And something about it sounded so sweet and adorable that Beomgyu couldn’t help but grin to himself. Considering the development he had witnessed over the last few days, he knew this simple reply must have still cost Taehyun a lot of effort and he even felt proud of the boy.

Sure, at first, he had told Soobin he didn’t really want to involve himself that much in this endeavour. He didn’t think he had any energy left to give. And he didn’t. But he even without his conscious doing he had been pulled into all of this, just taken along for the ride. And he would lie if he said he didn’t enjoy it. Not only watching Soobin delight in every new development, every new gesture, every step they made closer to Taehyun. No, he had also— ever so slowly— gotten attached to Taehyun as well until he himself joined Soobin’s delight when the younger had fully greeted them for the first time.

With his attachment, though, the curiosity that had taken root in him blossomed. Beomgyu knew that they were far from the point where he could dare to ask any deeper questions, but they burned on his tongue every time he looked at Taehyun. What happened to you? Why do you look like you lost a part of yourself? What is hidden in your past? And what is this familiar feeling I get when I look at you?

The last question was perhaps something he should rather ask himself.

Beomgyu tore his gaze away from Taehyun’s searching eyes, grounding himself in the present. There were still too many questions, too much left unspoken. For now, all that mattered was getting Taehyun to sit with them, to stay.

His focus went back to the present conversation when Soobin said, “Actually, where in the middle of celebrating Kai’s birthday! But he said he’s more than happy to have more people join the party, right Kai?” His brown eyes sparkled as he looked at the mentioned for confirmation.

“Yes! Please feel free to join us”, Kai readily affirmed, and his smile rivaled the sun in brightness. He carefully scooted closer to Soobin to make space between him and Beomgyu for Taehyun to sit down and lightly padded the now-free place on the blanket.

Taehyun eyed the gap between then hesitantly. “I don’t want to both—”

“Egg, ham or tuna sandwich?”, Beomgyu interrupted him loudly, searching Taehyun’s gaze and holding it firmly.

Clearly caught off guard, Taehyun froze with his mouth still open. He took a short breath that sounded more like a little gasp and answered with wide eyes, “Ham.”

“Ham it is!”, Beomgyu beamed and loaded a plate with said sandwich along with a handful of grapes, and an egg tart. Then he held it out to Taehyun who was still staring at him. “We also have cake.”

“It’s very good, it’s strawberry flavour”, Yeonjun jumped into the conversation in support and shoved a huge spoonful in his mouth as if in demonstration. “Wuh shtill haf a loff.” While he said this, a visibly sized piece of half-chewed cake flew out of his mouth and in Taehyun’s direction. “Shfht, shorry!”

“Very nice of you to share, but I think he’d prefer his own piece,” Beomgyu deadpanned and slightly lowered his arm that was still holding up the plate to look at Yeonjun. The older boy threw him a look like he was going to be under Beomgyu’s bed tonight while Kai giggled next to them. Soobin, too, grinned but also carefully glanced to see Taehyun’s reaction.

Taehyun was still standing in the same place where he had stopped before, not yet having moved even a single inch. But Beomgyu was sure his eyes had changed even more, had stopped shaking and nervously looking around. He didn’t exactly seem relaxed, but also not like he would run away any second.

Clearing his throat to get his attention, Beomgyu said in a playfully whiny tone, “Taehyun, my arm really hurts, it feels like I’m going to get a cramp any second. The plate is kinda heavy.” He lifted it higher again and pouted a little. That always worked.

And it did.

A jolt went through Taehyun's body, as if a blockade that had held him in place had suddenly broken. His movements were slow and deliberate as he walked around the blanket until he stood directly in front of Beomgyu. The latter had moved his hand, which was holding the plate, toward Taehyun so that he was now holding it out to him. Their eyes met again, and Beomgyu's eyes widened slightly as he felt the intensity of the eye contact and could now see up close the emotions swirling behind the other's eyes.

Suddenly, a realisation hit him as he peered into those big dark eyes. Fear. It was that underlying panic that was not only due to Taehyun’s overwhelm in the moment, that much Beomgyu was sure of. No. He recognised it well— because it accompanied him, too. Every waking moment. The thing that made Taehyun feel so familiar was that they were both haunted. At this realisation, the burning sensation of Beomgyu’s curiosity became so hot that he was sure it would soon burn itself through his throat.

Still moving carefully, Taehyun reached out his hands, breaking Beomgyu’s stupor, and placed them around the edge of the plate, so gently as if it might otherwise break. Their fingers grazed against each other ever so slightly, but Beomgyu could still the others warmth radiating from him in that moment. It took a second before he remembered to let go of the plate; Beomgyu didn't know if his thoughts had simply been preoccupied with something else, or if he had been worried that Taehyun might drop the plate if he let go too quickly.

With a gesture of his hand Beomgyu invited Taehyun to sit next to him, and seemingly finally accepting their offer to join their party, Taehyun slowly sat down, placing the plate on his lap. Beomgyu could hear the way Soobin let out a long breath of relief and gave him a small cheeky smile when Beomgyu threw him a triumphant look.

“Do you want something to drink?”, Soobin asked the new addition to their party, delight over his success written on his face. “We have iced coffee and lemonade.”

“Uhm, lemonade, please,” Taehyun mumbled blinking hard as if his eyes had gone dry from all the staring. Soobin only nodded and silently filled a cup for Taehyun, handing it to him with a reassuring smile and watched him nipping on it before he turned to Kai.

“Do you want a refill?”

Kai abruptly tore his eyes from Taehyun as he had also watched him, obviously curious but still a little careful. After all, it was his first time meeting Taehyun and he had also been careful with Beomgyu the first time they had met, especially during their first study session.

However, he had quickly opened up to Beomgyu, the same way Beomgyu himself had instantly warmed up to Kai. Now, they were pretty comfortable around each other. Beomgyu was sure that it would be the same with Taehyun; Kai just was the kind of person that met every person with an open heart. His smile hadn’t wavered once since Taehyun had appeared, but Beomgyu now knew him well enough to see his initial cautiousness.

“Yes, please,” Kai answered and leaned even closer to Soobin —almost leaning into him, his cup in hand.

Yeonjun, in contrast, didn’t seem bothered in the slightest by the new addition and just watched him with a noticeable interest. Beomgyu could basically hear all his questions that wanted to bubble out of his mouth, but Yeonjun was sensitive enough to not overwhelm Taehyun with them in this moment. They all knew that he probably needed some time to get used to the situation they had brought him into.

Nevertheless, he didn’t appear to be too uncomfortable, as he started to take small bites from the sandwich on his plate. If Taehyun was anything like Beomgyu, he wouldn’t be able to get down a single bite if he were.

Beomgyu watched Taehyun’s fingers linger on the cup, tracing the edge of it absentmindedly as his eyes flickered between the group, trying not to meet anyone’s eyes for too long but noticing their gazes on him.

A kind of tenseness began to manifest in the air around them, none of them really sure how to continue in this situation, even though this was exactly what they had wanted— for Taehyun to join them. But maybe neither Soobin nor Beomgyu had expected it to actually happen, so this was the point where their plans ended. Had they ever thought about what to do if it really ever came to this? Apparently not.

Beomgyu was aware that every second that he let pass, with them all just sitting in silence and watching Taehyun, would make this all into a rather uncomfortable experience, and that was the opposite of what they needed right now. Every gear in his head turned rapidly trying to find the best way out, the best thing to say or do to relieve the tense atmosphere, but Yeonjun beat him to it.

“So, Kai, how does it feel to leave your wild teenage years behind and reach the old age of 20?” He lazily stretched his arms over his head and grinned at the birthday boy.

Kai shot him a playful glance. “You’re one to talk. Aren’t you turning 23 in only a month?”

Beomgyu chuckled, picking at another grape. “Maybe we should start looking into retirement homes for Yeonjun.” He felt a light slap against his arm.

“Hey!”, Yeonjun protested with a pout on his already pouty lips.

From Soobin came only a quiet chuckle, but he was quickly shut down by Beomgyu. “Oh, don’t think you’ll get away that easily. You’re only a year younger than Yeonjun. You’re literally next on the retirement list.”

But Soobin didn’t seem to care at all and just popped a piece of pineapple in his mouth. Chewing, he retorted, “And after me, it’s already your turn.”

Beomgyu only pulled a silly face in response, hand in front of his mouth like in shock and everybody giggled. The tension from earlier evaporated bit by bit as they all played their roles in this play, easing the heavy weight with their usual bantering.

He threw a glance at Taehyun, who still had the cup in his hand, absentmindedly tracing its shape. The next thing he noticed was that Taehyun’s face, were the corners of his lips were twitching ever so slightly. Although it was just such a minuscule gesture, Beomgyu could feel warmth rising in his chest and it felt almost like a victory. He wanted to scream at Soobin, who was busy laughing at one of Yeonjun's jokes, 'Look at that!'

He would tell Soobin later.

This distance, that he could feel from Taehyun— a distance he wasn’t unfamiliar with— was still there. Beomgyu knew that Taehyun needed more time, just like he had needed time gradually open up to the others. And after all, Beomgyu was still hiding behind his humour to conceal all the darkness and his struggle that he carried within. He wasn’t ready to let them know about it, scared how they would react when he had just reached a point where he finally felt comfortable.

Something told him that Taehyun was similar to him in that way, but also different. While Beomgyu hid his pain behind jokes and smiles, Taehyun’s struggle was quieter, unmasked. It was there in the way his shoulders hunched slightly, the way his gaze dropped whenever someone looked too long. He didn’t conceal it, but he didn’t invite questions either. His silence spoke more than words.

Beomgyu had always deflected attention with humour, but Taehyun didn’t seem to need that kind of shield. His quietness drew attention in its own way, not by force, but by mystery. And maybe that was even more effective— people couldn’t help but wonder what lay beneath. It was exactly what kept pulling Beomgyu in.

While he watched Taehyun and thought all this to himself, his eyes still following the boy’s fingers fiddling with the cup, his gaze more coincidentally than intentionally fell on Taehyun’s wrist where the sunlight that fell delicately through the leaves reflected on his watch. Beomgyu wouldn’t really have paid it any mind, the sight of a watch around a wrist as common as it could be. But just as he wanted to look away again, a number took shape behind the reflection as Taehyun tilted his wrist ever so slightly.

The numbers displayed on the clock dial were small and usually hard to read from the distance. Additionally, the watch was upside down from Beomgyu’s perspective. And still, one number almost jumped at him.

He blinked, sure he had misread it, and narrowed his eyes to intentionally read the dial again.

10 years. Beomgyu had read it correctly the first time. What the hell?

When he had been told that Kai had eight years of Time to himself, he had been shocked, wondering what he was doing here and also deep in his heart somewhat jealous of it. Even if Kai didn’t earn all of it himself and had been gifted part of it from his family, it was still an impressive amount for his age.

But this? This was different. It could only mean one of two things. Either Taehyun came from a family that was so disgustingly old and rich that they owned multiple high-quality Timekeepers passed on over generations and filled to the brim with hundreds of years of magic— or this boy had seriously dedicated his entire young life to intensely studying magic for multiple hours a day.

Most of the students here had more between three to five years, attending this school to reach or secure the five years Time required to enter university. That was what’s normal.

Still feeling the shock of his discovery, Beomgyu’s eyes slowly wandered from the watch upwards to Taehyun’s face. And of course— of course— Taehyun’s own eyes met him there. The look in them mirrored the shock Beomgyu felt. Taehyun’s hand shot to his wrist and covered the watch dial under his palm, but they both knew that it was too late.

Studying his face, Beomgyu could see fear and pain written in the way that Taehyun’s eyes were widened and his lip pulled between his teeth. His knuckled turned white, so hard did his fingers clamp around his wrist. He looked like someone who’s deepest darkest secret had been discovered, even though he wore it every day in plain sight.

It was this display of emotions that felt a little too familiar to Beomgyu that prompted him to swallow all of the new questions that joined the hundreds he’d already had before, and he could physically feel his whole body and face soften. I understand you, he thought, and maybe his eyes expressed exactly that, or maybe it really was some weird mutual understanding, but Taehyun took a quiet shaky breath and finger by finger his hand slid from his watch into his lap.

All this lasted only seconds, and when they finally broke eye contact and Beomgyu took a look around his friends, nobody seemed to have noticed that something had even happened.

As the afternoon wore on, the group lingered on the picnic blanket, the conversation flowing easily. They had been sitting there for a while now, the food gradually disappearing as they exchanged stories and lighthearted banter. Taehyun hadn’t said much, mostly content to listen, but Beomgyu could see how he was slowly settling into their dynamic. His shoulders had relaxed, and though he still glanced away when attention shifted to him, there was a quiet ease in how he sat with them now.

Every so often, Yeonjun or Kai would direct a question his way—nothing too personal, just simple things like what he thought of the food or how he was finding the school so far, although Soobin gently directed them away from that topic because he and Beomgyu knew only too well that Taehyun didn’t really participate in class. Taehyun answered quietly, his responses brief but steady, and each time, his voice seemed a little louder and a little less tense, like he was slowly getting used to being part of the conversation.

Beomgyu could feel it too. It was subtle, but Taehyun was present in a way that felt more real than before. He wasn’t retreating into silence—he was watching and listening, gradually easing into the flow of their chatter. It was small, but it felt like progress, and Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel a quiet sense of accomplishment again.

As the sun began to dip lower in the sky, casting a golden glow across the campus, Yeonjun stretched with a yawn. “It’s getting late. What do you guys think about hitting the student lounge for some drinks? We can carry on the party there.”

Beomgyu glanced at Taehyun, and before anyone could respond, Taehyun shook his head slightly. “I… think I’ll...” He hesitated, and his shoulders tensed again. Beomgyu almost sighed in exasperation. But he reminded himself that it was okay. Taehyun had taken a huge step today, and Beomgyu could sense it hadn’t been easy for him. This was progress, even if it was slow.

As he turned his attention back to the others, there was no awkwardness in the air, just a quiet understanding. Soobin nodded immediately, his eyes warm. “Of course. Thanks for joining us, Taehyun. We all enjoyed having you here.” Everyone nodded enthusiastically at that.

“Yeah,” Beomgyu chimed in, his tone light but sincere, “come hang out with us again sometime. We’d love that.”

Kai gave a small, encouraging smile. “Whenever you feel like it.”

And Yeonjun just looked at Taehyun with sparkles in his eyes and smiled in such a genuine way that Taehyun almost looked like he would return it.

But then he just looked at the floor and swallowed, lingering for a second before standing up slowly, hesitating again and then, finally, giving a small wave, his fingers slightly twitching, before heading off in the direction of the dorms. Beomgyu looked after him, with this newly sparked warmth and burning curiosity in his chest and hoped he would find his way back to them. After today, he was quite optimistic, though.

"I get it", Yeonjun suddenly said into the silence that had settled around them.

Soobin looked at him. "Right? I knew you would", he only replied like it was the most obvious thing ever. Then, he turned to Kai, who was silently sipping the remains of his lemonade, his eyes distant in thought. “Sorry again for using your birthday party as an opportunity for to engage Taehyun with the group. It just felt right, you know?”

Kai blinked, then he vehemently shook his head. “What? No! You asked and I said yes. I was curious, too. After all, you didn’t really tell me a whole lot about all this. Just enough that I wanted to meet him.”

“Mission accomplished then”, Soobin smirked.

“You need to tell us more about him now, you know that, right?”, Yeonjun said and rested his chin on the palm of his hand.

Beomgyu sighed. “There isn’t really a lot to tell. We’re still working on it.”

“Tell us about that then. You’ve been very mysterious so far, and I like to believe that is my thing”, Yeonjun retorted.

Soobin snorted and caught a lifted eyebrow from the older boy for that, which he didn’t seem to mind all too much.

“Sure, we’ll tell you all about it. But please, let’s go inside before the mosquitoes eat me whole”, Beomgyu whined, slapping at one of those beasts for the the seventh time in the span of five minutes.

Yeonjun grinned. “You do look like a snack.”

“Stay away from me, I bite.”

But that only resulted in Yeonjun grinning even harder. “Who says I have a problem with that?”

“I don’t want to interrupt you there, but I would also prefer to go inside”, Kai’s sweet voice intercepted their bickering, and they instantly stopped to turn their attention to him. Maybe that was the privilege of being the youngest— and the birthday boy at that. In a matter of minutes, they had packed up all their stuff back into the basket, dropped it off at Kai’s dorm room and headed to the student lounge like Yeonjun had proposed.

There, they had to look for a table where all of them could fit for a while, because the room was already filled with other students that were enjoying their Saturday evening. But they ultimately found a small table in the middle of the room and squeezed around it, sitting so closely that their shoulders touched even when they weren’t moving. Yeonjun went to get them drinks and managed to get one round for free, probably through telling the bartender that it was Kai’s birthday judging by the way he gestured in his direction.

There was a brief lull in the conversation, the clinking of glasses filling the silence for a moment before Yeonjun leaned in, his expression suddenly more focused.

“So,” he said, taking a slow sip from his beer, “Tell us about Taehyun.”

And they did. Soobin seemed to have waited for this moment the way the word spilled out of his mouth, almost without breathing in between and leaving only few breaks for Beomgyu to add his thoughts. At the end of his monologue Soobin added, “It’s not like we were trying to keep anything from you. It’s just… as you probably saw, Taehyun’s a bit complicated. We didn’t want to make a big deal out of it before we even knew where things were going.”

“Yeah,” Beomgyu chimed in, leaning back and folding his arms. “He’s been pretty closed off, but this week has been— different. He’s been opening up more than we expected.” Soobin nodded in agreement.

“Earlier I thought, you know, I think he wants to be around people but doesn’t know how. You’re right, Soobin, he needs someone”, Kai shared his observation with a thoughtful look on his face.

Yeonjun leaned back again in his chair, just a little before he almost bumped heads with another student who was sitting behind him. He tried to overplay it by quickly saying, “He looks like he’s been through hell and back. It’s hard not to be curious.”

“I’ve literally almost been biting my tongue off trying not to bombard him with questions, believe me,” Beomgyu groaned.

“We’re not here to find out his secrets but because he needs friends,” Soobin lightly scolded them with a disapproving expression on his otherwise soft face.

“If you are trying to tell us you aren’t curious as well, you are a liar.” Beomgyu carelessly flicked a piece of lint in Soobin’s direction.

“I didn’t say that.” The piece of lint landed somewhere between Soobin and Kai, and Kai took it upon him to flick it back.

“I’m much more curious what your plan is,” he then said. “I wouldn’t exactly say that I think that Taehyun enjoyed himself today, but I do think a part of him liked it.”

Oh, time for the revelation. “He almost smiled. I saw his lips twitching,” Beomgyu excitedly disclosed to the others. Earlier, he hadn‘t realised how much he’d been waiting for some sign from Taehyun, something that showed he wasn’t just a mystery wrapped in layers of silence. There was something there, buried deep, and the more Beomgyu noticed, the more he wanted to see what lay beneath, he now recognised.

“Really?” Soobin looked like it was his birthday and not Kai’s. “I wish I would have seen that.”

Beomgyu set his hand in position to again flick the piece of lint back in Soobin’s direction, but Yeonjun was faster and wiped it down on the floor.

“Hey!”

Yeonjun deliberately ignored him. “We’ll just get him to do it again and then you can take a close look.”

“And how do we do that?”, Beomgyu asked. A short moment of silence ensued where they all sipped on their beer, listening to the buzzing sound around them.

Soobin leaned forward, his voice dropping slightly as if sharing a secret. “I think we just need to keep doing what we’ve been doing—inviting him to things without making a big deal of it. Let him come at his own pace. It’s what we’ve been doing so far, and it worked out pretty well I’d say”

Beomgyu nodded. “Yeah, if we push him too hard, he might shut down. We just need to make sure he knows he’s welcome without forcing him to join every time.”

Yeonjun swirled his glass in thought. “Let’s keep our conversations lighthearted for the first while. He’s clearly been through a lot and needs something in his life that feels easy again. Let’s be that for him.”

His usual soft expression deepening and thoughtfully nodding, Kai said, “Yeah, I think you’re right. Sometimes the best thing is just letting someone be around you, no questions, no pressure. Just… letting them breathe.” He glanced at the others before adding, “If we can be that place where he can relax and feel normal again, that’s more important than anything we say.”

Just listening to the way they talked about Taehyun, so gently, with nothing but the best intentions, stirred something deep within Beomgyu. It wasn’t the first time he’d felt warmth from this group, but this moment, hearing their careful plans, made him realise that this was what he’d been searching for all along. These were the kind of friends he wanted to hold onto for the rest of his life—however long or short that might be.

And somewhere, tucked away in the quietest corners of his mind, a new thought began to form. Maybe, one day, he could trust them enough to share his own secret. Because even now, after such a short time, he had never felt this safe, this much like he’d truly found a place he belonged.

As the evening wore on, their laughter grew softer, blending into the low buzz of the student lounge. Beomgyu wasn’t thinking about plans or secrets anymore—just the easy, comfortable rhythm of the night. His head felt light, not from the drinks, but from the sheer relief of being here, with them.

Yeonjun cracked a joke that had Soobin nearly spitting out his drink, while Kai’s quiet giggles punctuated the moment. Beomgyu’s chest felt warm as he watched them, knowing that this was what he needed—these simple moments of shared laughter, of being part of something that didn’t demand more from him than he could give.

The group stayed that way for a while, no one in a rush to leave. When they finally decided to head out, Beomgyu felt a contentedness settle over him, different from anything he’d felt before. As they pushed their chairs back and started gathering their things, he let out a small, quiet sigh.

Tonight, they’d made a plan for Taehyun. But somewhere along the way, Beomgyu realised, they’d also made room for him.

And as they stepped out into the cool night air, he couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, everything was falling into place.

Chapter Text

The silence of his room boomed in Taehyun’s ears. Somewhere in the far distance the laughter of the group he had just left echoed still. He stood in his ever-dark room, back leaned against the door.

Why had it been so hard to leave?

It wasn’t that he had been miraculously happy and healed, but for some blissful moments their banter and laughing had made him forget everything else, only their voices filling his head.

But part of him kept whispering that he didn’t belong—that despite how right it had felt to sit among them, he was still an intruder in their world, a shadow that didn’t quite fit the light.

And yet, he had almost smiled. Had almost slipped before he caught himself and now it was all he could think about. In that moment, he had tried to selfishly push it away to bathe in the warmth of their company for just a little longer, but now that he was alone it hit him with the force of a boulder to the chest. The guilt.

Here he was, smiling. Smiling, while he was the reason Taehee could never smile again. Did a person like him deserve to be happy again? No. It was right for him to be punished like this. For experimenting with magic, for treating her like a lab rat. Sure, he only ever had the best intentions, but what are good intentions worth if you kill the person you love most as a result?

Taehyun’s back slowly slid along the door until he sat down on the floor, knees pulled close to his chest and head still leaning against the solid wood. His chest cramped in pain, and he had to squeeze his eyes to endure the deep sting of his guilt that he would have to carry until his very last breath.

But even while the pain washed over him, he could also feel his very soul yearning to taste more of what today had offered him. The sweetness of the grapes that they had given him was something he would never forget, because simple grapes had never tasted this sweet before— although they didn’t appear any different then the ones he had eaten so far. And the smiles on their faces had made him feel more at ease than he had been in a long, long time, not once seeming insincere. Even Kai and Yeonjun, although they had only met him for the first time today and he certainly didn’t make a good first impression.

All that kindness that he didn’t deserve and that was still given to him so freely.

Taehyun wondered if they would treat him the same if they knew what he had done. He was scared they wouldn’t, he realised. They would have every right to treat him differently, but still, the thought of it gave him a second sting in his heart, right next to his guilt.

Even if he put all that aside, yet another fear circled in his mind. What if I hurt them, too?

He had only ever wanted the best for Taehee, had given his all for her— and in the end had been her early demise. She would have been better off without him. Without him, she would have maybe even had some more years to live.

Or maybe, they would have had enough time to find a real cure in the meantime. Maybe someone, who knew what they were doing, would have picked up the research. Someone with money and resources.

Not like Taehyun, who had only made it his mission to find a cure out of desperation, because nobody would help his sister; and who only had access to the books offered by the local library and bookstores, maybe once in a while buying obscure books on flea-markets or finding rare ones in the bookstores he had called his second home. However unlikely it was that someone other than him would put their resources into this, she should at least have had the chance to hope for it a little longer.

He again thought about how his mother had sent him here, to this school, against his will. Taehyun had finally given in after she had begged him for weeks, solely because she, too, was better off without him. And all of them, Soobin, Beomgyu, Kai and Yeonjun, would be better off without him as well. They didn’t even know what they were getting themselves into. If at least they weren’t that kind, maybe he wouldn’t feel quite like that; but he didn’t know what he would do if he harmed another person. With their warmth and kindness, they surely only deserved the best in the world, and that was certainly not him.

Yet, despite all those thought that bombarded his mind and stung in his heart like thorns, the yearning didn’t disappear. And even when he finally got up from the floor after what felt like hours, his legs heavy and eyes stinging, and dragged his feet to bed, carelessly throwing his clothes on the floor, he still didn’t know which of those conflicting feelings was stronger.

When he lay down, his head and chest hurting alike, he knew that this night wouldn’t be an easy one. And Taehyun was right, because he tossed and turned in his bed until he could hear the birds chirping in front of his window, like they were mocking him. But then the exhaustion claimed him in the end, just moments later, and he passed out more than he fell asleep.

The autumn sun shone bright into his eyes and tingled his skin with its rays that were gentler now that the summer had passed. A light breeze rustled through the leaves, bright red to orange to almost golden, and playfully ruffled Taehyun’s hair. Laughter rang through the air, clear and high like the ringing of a small bell, almost harmonising with the sound of the birds in the trees above them. The air smelled earthy from ground they were sitting on; but sweetness mixed into it, stemming from a small basket of freshly baked cookies in front of him.

Taehyun closed his eyes for a moment, just feeling and listening to everything around him, savouring the moment and trying to secure it in his memory, feeling as though he might somehow keep this happiness forever. When he opened them again, his mother’s smile greeted him warmly.

“You look happy”, she noted and reached out her hand to graze his cheek with the lightness of a feather, as if he were something incredibly precious. “I love to see you smile like this. It’s the kind that makes the world just a little brighter every time.”

It wasn’t the first time his mother had said this to him, and still Taehyun felt a little shy every time, not knowing how to react to those words that were spoken with such adoration. No matter how many times she said it, he never got quite used to it. So, he just smiled wider at her, trying to put everything he didn’t know how to express in words into it. His mother's eyes twinkled, and he knew that she understood, as she always did.

A melodic humming floated right into Taehyun’s ears from beside him and claimed his attention. As his gaze found the source of the sound, he saw Taehee beside him, eyes closed and face turned upwards, bathing in the sunlight just like Taehyun had moments before. She looked so peaceful and happy, a tiny smile curling the corners of her lips and suddenly he knew exactly knew what his mother had felt when she had looked at him earlier.

Just then, Taehee cracked her eyes open just enough to peer at him through her long lashes. “Today is the kind of day that one wants to treasure forever”, she said, flashing him a smile that revealed the dimples in her soft cheeks.

He mirrored her smile as he answered, “I thought just the same.”

“Of course you did.” She chuckled softly, then closed her eyes again and tilted her face more against the sun again as if she needed to absorb every last ray of it.

Taehyun watched her for while longer before the sweet smell entered his nose again and reminded him of the cookies between them. His mother had baked them just before they headed outside to sit in the garden behind their house, so they were still fresh. And when he reached out to grab one, he could still feel the warmth lingering on them. As he bit into it, Taehyun savoured the softness of it, chocolaty sweetness spreading in his mouth. Each bite tasted like home— it was perfect.

As he finished his cookie, a thought sparked in his mind, one that had been lingering there all morning. Yesterday, he had finally been able to perfect a spell that wasn’t widely taught in schools, as it generally had no practical effect and only really helped very dedicated people to train their control over a steady flow of magic. But it’s outcome just reminded him so much of Taehee that he knew the second he had decided to master it, he needed to show her in the end.

He glanced at his mother, who was stretching her legs out in the grass, and then at Taehee, who still had her face turned up to the sun, a peaceful look softening her features.

“Taehee”, he quietly called, breaking the gentle silence. “I’ve got something to show you.”

She opened her eyes, curiosity sparking in their dark depths. “Oh? What is it?”

His smile widened, a thrill in his voice as he leaned closer, lowering his voice to a near-whisper, as if sharing a great secret. “It’s magic,” he murmured, “something I mastered just yesterday. Do you want to see?”

Taehee’s face lit up, her dimples deepening as she scooted closer, anticipation in her eyes. Their mother also gave him her full attention, both of them always being so supportive of his fascination with magic.

“It’s supposed to create stars”, he explained, excitement mingling in his voice. “Just small ones, like fireflies. They float around you and follow you. Like your own little galaxy.”

His sister’s face lit up in awe, her big eyes widening even more. “Stars? Really?”

He nodded, grinning as he took a deep breath, steadying himself and recalled the spell he had practiced for hours yesterday until deep into the night. The characters took form in his mind, and he lifted his hand to draw them in the air, slowly and with careful precision, the words unfolding from his lips. Magic tingled in his body, and he guided it to his arms, into his hands and towards his fingertips until he could feel it flow out into the air.

Small, silvery shimmering lights began to spark into existence, floating around Taehee in a soft ethereal glow. Her laughter rang out, clear and bright, as she reached out to touch them. The lights danced around her, casting a warm glow across her face, entirely different from the sunlight that had illuminated it just moments earlier, that had now moved on just behind the trees. Their sparkle was only rivalled by that in Taehee’s eyes as she watched them in wonder.

She looked beautiful, with constellations that formed around her, and for a moment everything was perfect.

But suddenly, something changed.

One of the lights flickered, just a tiny spark, like an ember catching fire. Then another. And another. Like a chain reaction had been caused, the lights began to flicker around Taehee, glowing brighter, sharper, and growing bigger with every second. Each of them blazing like a tiny sun.

Taehee yelped and tried to brush them from her skin as they gravitated toward her. But they began to almost cling to her skin, their warmth turning into a scorch. Her laughter turned into a strangled gasp, her smile breaking as her face twisted in confusion and fear.

“Taehyun, that’s enough”, his mother exclaimed, having jumped up from the ground, her face mirroring Taehee’s.

As Taehyun felt the spell slipping from his control, an icy terror gripped him and he tried to end the spell, tried to cut the magic flow, scrambled to mumble some kind of counter spell, his fingers trembling through the air. But the lights only sparked more and more.

“Stop it! Stop!” Taehee’s voice was laced with panic, her eyes darting toward him, desperation shadowing them. She swatted at the lights, but they clung to her as if they were out of glue and not blazing fire.

“Taehee!” he shouted, scrambling forward, reaching toward her, but it was too late. The stars flared even brighter, burning white-hot as though they were alive, feeding off her fear and making her warmth their own, searing her skin where they touched. Taehee’s scream cut through the garden, high and piercing, her arms flailing as she tried to fight off the lights that had transformed into ravenous flames, clinging to her like living embers.

She staggered backward, clutching at her chest, the lights crawling up her arms, marking her skin in blistering red welts. Her face twisted in agony, her mouth opening in a soundless cry, too pained to even scream. 

“Make it stop, Taehyun, please make it stop”, his mother begged. Tears were now streaming down her face as she could only watch in horror.

Taehyun’s chest tightened in torment. “I-I can’t. I can’t. I d-don’t know how.” He stumbled forward. Trying to reach for his sister, trying to grab her. Pull her out of the swarm of lights as she tumbled to the ground, clawing at her face as the lights crept up her neck and reached her face, leaving smoking paths and filling the air with the bitter smell of charred skin.

But even as he reached out, the final star exploded against her skin in a burst of blinding light. She crumpled to the ground, her body collapsing as though the life had been drained from her, her hands falling limp, fingers curling against the earth.

The lights vanished, just like they had never existed— but what they had done did not.

Taehyun dropped to his knees beside her, horror freezing him in place as his gaze traced the raw, angry burns marring her skin, still glowing faintly. She lay perfectly still, the gentle rise and fall of her chest slowing with each shallow breath, and he could only watch, helpless, as her final breaths slipped away from her.

“Taehee…” His voice was barely a whisper, choked with disbelief and a guilt so deep it felt like it might swallow him whole. His hand hovered over hers, terrified to touch her, terrified of the ruin he had created.

No. No.

NO.

He retreated his hands shakily, his mind in shambles and unable to form a coherent thought. When he looked at his hands, they were covered in bright red blood that begun running down his exposed forearms and dripped to the earth at his elbows. But he hadn’t even touched her. A horrified yelp escaped his mouth as he scrambled to wipe the blood off on his clothes, but it was no use.

“What have you done?” The voice behind him was ice cold, just a hint of shakiness told of the lingering terror.

As Taehyun whipped his head around to look at his mother, it was not the person he knew that awaited him there. The woman standing before him was a stranger. Her familiar features twisted, stretched unnaturally, her shadowed eyes hollowed, and her voice, once soft, now echoed with a chilling edge. He had never seen an expression even close to this on her and he froze in place, his eyes wide and lips trembling, unable to form any words.

This isn’t right. The thought shot through his head, but he was too shaken to acknowledge it.

“What. Have. You. Done?”, his mother repeated in a voice that now sounded almost distorted, shadows rising around her like evil spirits emerging from the earth.

And suddenly, she lunged at him, hands outreached and pushing him to the floor.

“YOU KILLED HER”, she screamed, loud and piercing in his ears that were now ringing, as she began to claw at his skin. Taehyun could feel the wounds her nails left behind, angry red streaks marking his arms, his face, his chest.

A scream ripped from his throat, ripping through the eerie silence that now haunted their garden. His mother's weight pressed him into the ground, making it hard to breathe and when she closer her hands around his neck he could only gasp for air. His legs uselessly kicked at the air, his hands gripping and tearing at anything they could reach. Then, the world around him closed in on him and darkness filled his vision, constricting like a camera lens snapping shut until—

Taehyun jolted awake, ringing desperately for air. His shaking fingers clutched at the sheets that were scrambled around him as he tried to steady himself, to shake the nightmare he had just awoken from. His heart hammering against his rips as though it wanted to break free, each beat a cruel reminder of what he could never undo. Taehyun’s lungs refused to expand; the air felt too thin to breathe.

A broken sob escaped him, his hand pressing to his mouth as if to hold it all back, but it was useless.

“Taehee…” The name escaped his lips again, a desperate plea in the empty room, his chest seizing painfully with every breath that wouldn’t come.

He scrambled out of bed, disoriented, stumbling until his back hit the wall. He pressed his hands against it, as if he could hold himself in place, ground himself against the surge of panic overtaking him. But the weight of guilt, of loss, pressed in, as dark as his room itself.

In the corner of his mind, a faint voice tried to remind him that he was safe, that the day of their picnic had never ended like this. How in reality Taehee’s eyes had sparkled along with the small stars around her until they faded. But safety was as unreachable as sleep, as distant as the day she had left him. The images from his nightmare attached themselves to the memory like leeches. It felt like another happy memory had been tainted and therefore been taken from him.

He could only curl in on himself, pressing his hands to his ears, trying to shut out the echo of her name, her laughter—everything he’d taken from her, all he couldn’t forget.

Hands pressed harder and harder against his ears but they only isolated the noise from outside, not the one inside. Still, everything was muffled, even when he raised his hands from his ears again. Taehyun's body felt numb, so numb and foreign that he wasn't even sure if he was breathing anymore, if the hands that were now buried in hair were his. And with every heavy blink he had already forgotten the one before, because this body didn't even belong to him.

Blink.

Suddenly, voices boomed in his ears like a thunderclap, so close and loud as if they were screaming directly into Taehyun’s ears. His whole body jolted; as if awakening from a second nightmare after the first. Like his consciousness snapped back into his body in that moment. A body that was shaking, hurting all over from exhaustion.

Just then, voices from outside his door rang in his ears. Yes his ears. Taehyun lifted his head from the wall, then his body until he sat upright. He had no way of knowing how long it had been since he'd woken up, but considering the chatter outside, the day must have already begun. Quite a while ago even, the clock on his bedside table told him. It was already the early afternoon.

Taehyun lifted his head that felt like it had been replaced by a bolder and blinked into the darkness that still surrounded him, disoriented and vision still blurred. Noise still rang in his ears that he couldn’t place and nothing around him would give him a hint at where he was. He could feel panic raising inside his chest, breath hitching in his throat. When the darkness seemed to pull closer around him, the ringing turning into a pained scream. No. NO. Please, someone. Someone . Get me out. Save me.

With frantic movements, Taehyun scrambled forwards. He didn’t know in which direction he was even going, but even though his head was in a mess something inside him knew that he had to be in a room. Out. He had to get out. Out of the darkness.

He pushed himself up, stumbled forwards, but his legs wouldn’t hold his weight. Too long he had been cowered into a corner of the room, too much energy had already been spent. They just folded right under Taehyun like a blade of grass under a heavy boot. His arms flailed in the air as he fell, and when his hands brushed against something soft, he just gripped it.

But what he had gripped was just as frail as his legs, giving way under his weight. Something ripped, the sound ragged and deep, echoing through the room. Light burst into the room like a lightening bolt slamming through the window. Taehyun slammed into the floor, his hands still gripping the soft material barely able to break his fall in any way. Pain erupted in his knees. The sudden impact vibrated through them and his shoulders ached under the strain that nearly tore them out of their very sockets.

Like a puppet whose strings had been cut, Taehyun now lay there, limbs sprawled all over the place. His fingers were still tangled in what he could now identify as the heavy curtain that had always shrouded the room in darkness now hung limp in his hands, torn and defeated.

Light forced its way through the rips, relentless, like it was daring him to face it. His eyes burned, a searing sting as if the sun itself were punishing him for his retreat into darkness. He squeezed them shut, and if his hands weren’t still tangled in the fabric, he would have shielded his eyes protectively.

Pain radiated through his knees and shoulders, sharp and unyielding, as if his own body was punishing him for his fall. Yet, through the ache, there was an odd sense of clarity. He felt his heartbeat thrum against his ribs, his fingers clutching at the torn curtain still tangled in his grip. The pain wasn’t welcome, but it was real. It was his. It made him feel present in a way he hadn’t in what felt like hours.

The sunlight that spilled through the jagged rips in the fabric cut across the room, slicing into the heavy shadows that had always cloaked this space. Taehyun’s eyes followed the golden streaks as they fell onto the floorboards, the bed frame, his trembling hands. For a moment, the light seemed too harsh, too invasive, like an unwelcome guest forcing its way in. But the longer he lay there, the more it began to feel like… a lifeline.

He stared at the beams of sunlight as they reflected against the faint smudges on the wall, highlighting the imperfections he hadn’t noticed before. This room, the space he’d retreated to when he first arrived here, hadn’t ever felt like a home. It had been a hiding place—a dark corner where he could fold himself away from the world. But now, it was a prison, the shadows heavy and unbearable, the walls a little too close.

Taehyun’s chest tightened, his breath catching as he realised he couldn’t stay here. Not now. Not after what had just happened. The thought of lingering in this space made his skin itch, the same restless feeling stirring in his chest as his gaze remained locked on the light. It wasn’t comforting, not exactly, but it was something.

His fingers slowly untangled themselves from the curtain, and his hands dropped limply to his sides. The golden rays of sunlight crept over his skin, painting him in streaks of warmth that almost felt like a reminder. A whisper, maybe, that there was something beyond the shadows of this room.

He pulled himself upright, his body protesting every movement, and took an uneven breath as he turned his gaze to the door.

For a long moment, Taehyun simply stood there, his eyes tracing the soft patterns the sunlight wove across the floorboards. The warmth against his skin felt foreign, an uninvited guest that, against all odds, he was thankful for. It didn’t erase the lingering ache in his chest or the weight pressing down on his shoulders, but it was enough to remind him he wasn’t entirely lost to the darkness yet.

He wasn’t sure what ultimately pulled him toward the door despite the state he was in. Maybe it was the sudden awareness of how small, how suffocating, this room had become—walls too close, shadows too heavy. Or maybe it was the faintest flicker of something lighter waiting beyond it, a memory of voices that had softened his edges and made him feel, just briefly, less alone.

One step. Then another.

The space between him and the door closed, though it felt like crossing a chasm. 

When he arrived at the door, Taehyun hesitated for a moment, hand resting on the handle. The cool metal under his skin seemed to somehow ground him, and with a last deep breath he gathered everything that was left in the almost empty shell he called his body and stepped outside.

"Taehyun, my dear boy, there you are!” The old woman’s face lit up, as if the sun had risen the moment she spotted Taehyun among the other students. The wrinkles around her eyes crinkled like creased paper, bearing witness to a life that must have been filled with many happy moments. Taehyun doubted that, in his old age, such lines would grace his own face. Instead, only those etched by pain and sorrow would likely carve their marks into his skin.

Once again, he found himself lost in thoughts like these, far removed from the here and now. But the old woman’s voice was like an anchor, cast out to pull him back to reality.

“I don’t dare complain,” she said now, her expression turning more serious, “but it pains me every time I don’t see your face among the others in the morning.”

Uncomfortable and unsure of how to respond, Taehyun avoided her gaze. She seemed to sense his unease, for her voice softened as she continued.

“Still, I am glad today because I can see your efforts—the way you fight every day. I know you do. You think you’ve given up, but I can see that that isn’t true.”

At her words, which gently seemed to touch something deep within him, he finally lifted his head and met her gaze. It was warm and tender, so tender that Taehyun could imagine sinking into it. Yet what nearly brought tears to his eyes was how familiar that gaze felt.

It was the same look his mother had always given him, the same one Soobin often wore. A look belonging to people who carried so much love and warmth within them that they could give it freely, generously, without ever exhausting it.

And Taehyun didn’t deserve it.

No matter how much love these people had to give, no matter how freely they offered it without expecting anything in return, all he could think was that their love and kindness would be better spent on someone else. Because for him, it was wasted.

Yet, despite all these thoughts, a part of him clung desperately to everything contained in those looks, like a drowning man clings to a life raft. The more he told himself to let go, the tighter his traitorous hands gripped it. And each time, he had to admit a little more that he even yearned for it.

This inner turmoil raged within him, and all he wanted was to bury his head in his hands. Instead, he remained standing in front of the meal counter, nervously fiddling with the bracelet around his right wrist, as he often did to calm himself. But this time, he didn’t feel the usual urge to flee that so often overtook him. His body stayed rooted, as if it wanted to see what would happen next.

The old woman seemed to pity him; his inner struggle was painfully obvious to anyone who truly looked at him. And she did, with a sad smile on her lips. Her gaze wandered over Taehyun’s shoulder and briefly fixed on a point behind him. A peculiar glimmer flashed in her eyes for a second before they returned to his face. Anyone else would have surely turned around, following her gaze, curious about what she had seen. But Taehyun was still too caught up in his own turmoil.

Moreover, for such a long time now, he hadn’t been willing—or even able—to pay any attention to his surroundings, so much so that the thought didn’t even cross his mind. It had almost become unnatural for him. And yet, his brain had registered the gesture, which was why he wasn’t surprised when two girls suddenly appeared beside him.

They greeted the old woman cheerfully, and she motioned for Taehyun to wait a moment. Then she turned to the girls, who engaged her in bright small talk, their beaming mouths animated with chatter.

The moment dragged on endlessly for Taehyun, who could do nothing but stand there, watching the scene unfold. A better one. Their laughter rang out, bright and carefree, as they chatted with the old woman. Taehyun didn’t look at them directly, but their presence only deepened the strange hollowness inside him. They belonged here in a way he never could. And once again, he felt like an outsider, a stranger among these people who seemed to live in a completely different world than his own.

As his discomfort grew and he was on the verge of leaving, even if it meant going without food, the old woman handed the girls heavily loaded trays and sent them on their way.

Taehyun, who had already begun to move cautiously, hesitated as her gaze met his again.

“You’re not thinking of leaving without eating, are you, my dear?” she said, a faint note of reproach in her voice.

He shrugged his shoulders as if to hide between them and fidgeted with his bracelet.

“Don’t look so downcast,” she said. “Come closer to the counter. I’m old, and speaking loudly is a strain for me.”

Obediently, Taehyun followed her request, stepping closer with careful, hesitant steps.

“Well then,” she said, “what would you like to eat?”

Taehyun looked at her, confused. It was a perfectly normal question for a cafeteria, and yet, she hadn’t asked him this in weeks. After he had repeatedly failed to answer or simply responded with, “Just anything, it doesn’t matter,” she had stopped asking entirely and instead simply given him what she thought was best. And he ate it—or didn’t, if his stomach refused to cooperate.

Every time one of those days came and he brought back an almost untouched tray, she would press a piece of fruit or a snack bar into his hand and smile at him, full of care. But had he had the presence of mind to look more closely in those moments, he would have seen the sadness hidden beneath her smile.

This time, though, he noticed that something else was concealed behind her smile, as the faintly mischievous glimmer in her eyes betrayed her. Yet Taehyun had no idea what it could mean and still lacked the clarity to think about it further. So, he simply blinked slowly, collected himself, and replied quietly and slowly: “Just anything.”

She raised her eyebrows slightly. “I have fried rice, stew, and spicy stir-fried meat. Which of those would you like?”

Confusion spread across his face. “It… doesn’t matter,” he replied—and it didn’t matter to him. And yet, his answer sounded more like a question.

Whatever her intentions might have been, the old woman seemed to have too much pity for Taehyun and spared him. “How about some fried rice?” she suggested.

Relief spread through Taehyun, and his shoulders slowly relaxed as he merely nodded in response.

“Good,” she nodded back and began her work. For some reason, Taehyun had the feeling she was working more slowly than usual. But since time in general seemed to flow differently for him than for others, he didn’t think much of it and simply waited patiently until she had filled his plate.

“Oh dear,” she suddenly said. “I’ve run out of fried eggs. Just a moment, please.”

“I don’t need one,” he replied and took a step forward to accept the plate she had already filled. But she shook her head vehemently.

“Nonsense, it’s part of the dish. Wait just a moment, I’ll make one for you.”

Taehyun didn’t dare protest and resigned himself to the fact that he was doomed to wait once again. He watched as she rummaged in a box and pulled out an egg, cracking it open with practiced movements and letting it slide into the pan. Taehyun shifted on his feet as he watched her work. Something about her movements seemed… deliberate. But really, she wasn’t normally this slow, was she? But he didn’t dwell on it. His thoughts felt too heavy to hold onto anything for long.

The sizzling sound of the egg frying in the hot oil was oddly calming, and as Taehyun stood there, waiting, the sound in his ears, his thoughts began to drift again.

“Hello, Taehyun,” someone suddenly said beside him, and although the voice was quiet and soft, Taehyun’s heart stuttered as he flinched in surprise. His head turned almost automatically toward the source of the softly spoken words.

The eyes that met his were of a warm brown— hot chocolate on a cold winter day. Taehyun had expected them to belong to Soobin, so when he finally perceived the rest of the person’s face he was surprised when he realised that it was Beomgyu’s instead. Beomgyu peered at him with a careful smile tucking at the corner of his lips, friendly and yet hesitant. They hadn’t yet interacted much, even though Beomgyu had usually been present whenever Soobin and Taehyun had met. But unlike Soobin, Beomgyu’s gaze wasn’t a steady anchor—it flickered, uncertain, as if trying to gauge where Taehyun stood.

Taehyun had never met him alone, like he had Soobin, and neither had they ever exchanged more than simple greetings. Maybe that was why now, after exactly that simple greeting, it was as though they had arrived at the end of their scripts. Beomgyu seemed to be patiently waiting for Taehyun to write the next line, his lips subconsciously forming the hint of a pout. ‘Don’t leave me hanging like this’, they seemed to say. And suddenly the answer rushed up his throat like a ripple and spilled past Taehyun’s lips.

"Hello, Beomgyu."

A spark flared up in Beomgyu’s eyes as if a fire had been ignited within, the smile that now spread across his face almost triumphant. With a little twirl, he turned around.

"Taehyun said hi,” he relayed cheerily to the group behind him.

Taehyun hadn’t noticed them before, so caught up in Beomgyu’s unexpected presence that the world beyond him had blurred into nothing. But now, his eyes darted over the figures standing behind Beomgyu. And this time, there were no surprises waiting for him.

Soobin flashed him the smile that had become so familiar, the one that made the knot in Taehyun’s chest loosen just a little. It was like a quiet reassurance, a reminder that he wasn’t alone here. A step behind him, Kai waved eagerly, his grin so wide it nearly outshone the sunlight streaming through the window. Beside him, Yeonjun gave a small nod, his warm gaze steady but not intrusive, like he knew not to push too hard.

And just like that, Taehyun felt the air around him shift, the weight of the past moments easing slightly. For once, he didn’t feel like he had to run.

Beomgyu stepped aside, giving Taehyun an unbroken view of the group. Soobin took a step forward and gestured toward the dining area. "We were just about to grab our food and sit down. Join us?" His voice was light, easy, carrying an unspoken assurance that it wasn’t really a question— it was an invitation.

Taehyun hesitated, his fingers tightening imperceptibly around the tray in his hands, darted between the group and the scattered tables behind them. None of them seemed in a hurry to move, all watching him with the same open patience that made him feel both reassured and exposed all at once.

Before the silence could stretch too far, Beomgyu spoke up, his voice laced with warmth and humour. "Come on. We can’t let Madame Kwon’s fried rice go to waste. That’s practically a crime."

"Especially when it smells this good," Yeonjun added, leaning closer to peer at Taehyun’s tray, his eyes lighting up as though he’d just discovered a treasure. "I’m jealous already."

Taehyun blinked at him, startled by the sudden shift in tone. Yeonjun didn’t seem to notice, nudging Kai and gesturing to the food counter. "Let’s go quickly before other come and we have to stand in line." The two of them scurried over to the old lady, leaving Taehyun alone with Soobin and Beomgyu.

Soobin chuckled softly beside Taehyun, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "Don’t mind him, he takes his meals very seriously."

The name Madame Kwon still tugged at Taehyun’s thoughts, pulling him from the moment. He turned his head, glancing back toward the counter, where the old woman was still animately chatting with Kai and Yeonjun. He hadn’t known her name until now, and yet, hearing it spoken so casually felt almost strange—like opening a door he hadn’t even realised was locked. She must have felt his gaze, because she met his eyes directly for a short second. Her expression softened even further, as though she could see the thoughts swirling in his mind, before she returned her focus to the two in front of her to push two trays loaded with different plates and bowls into their hands.

Kai turned around and announced to the three of them, “We’ve got food for everyone! I picked out the best for me, obviously, but you can have the leftovers,” he joked, his grin making it clear he didn’t mean it.

“Yes, of course, thank you Kai,” Soobin answered, rolling his eyes but unable to suppress an adoring grin. Then he turned to Taehyun again and found his gaze. “Let’s go?” His voice was lowered, gentle like a breeze. Again, extending an invitation as if he wanted to make sure that Taehyun would understand that they actually, really wanted him to join. That he was welcome.

Taehyun’s heart was twisting in conflict, longing for what was offered to him with greedy hands, and still…

Still he couldn’t forget tonight, couldn’t forget all the reasons he had to stay away, his guilt constantly shackled him, held him down, head lowered and back bent under the weight that crushed him, unable to escape. And yet, the offer promised relief, if only for a short time— a moment where he again could let himself fall into the outreached arms of those people just like the day before. This feeling rose in him again; the one he felt on this blanket between them, listening to their voices and laughter. Finally able to just float weightlessly in the water of their ocean that he just knew wouldn’t let him sink.under the weight that crushed and pulled him down simultaneously.

But what if he wasn’t a passenger in their sea, but a storm? What if he turned the water dark, waves clashing and pulling them down along with him? He couldn’t bear the thought of them reaching out, only to realise too late that it was him pulling them under.

Still, the yearning inside him stirred. And after this night, after everything, he just wasn’t strong enough to fight it anymore. Just for the weekend, just for today. If he could bathe in that feeling just one more time, maybe he could finally let go of it again and do the only thing he knew how to do for them.

Save them from himself and the darkness that always seemed to follow him.

Soobin was still patiently standing just a few steps away from him, waiting for Taehyun if as he was already sure he would follow. And he did. Slowly, so slowly and feet dragging over the floor as if they were lead, Taehyun set into motion. It required so much energy to take step after step, to close the distance between them. Yet, something pulled him forward consistently, like he was a fish caught on a hook.

When Soobin saw him moving, is eyes lit up almost unnoticeably before he turned around and led the way through the cafeteria, following his friends that had already went ahead.

The way to the table stretched out endlessly. Each step was so heavy that all Taehyun could think about was just taking the next. He didn’t even really notice the reassuring gaze the tall boy in front of him threw him. Without that feeling inside him that pulled him forwards, he would have probably given up midway.

Voices buzzed faintly in the background, voices blending with the clatter of trays and chairs scraping against the floor. Yet, for Taehyun, it all seemed distant—muted under the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears. But then, it was suddenly over.

When they arrived at the table by the window, Yeonjun set his tray down with a dramatic sigh. “Finally. If we’d waited any longer, I might’ve started eating my own hand.”

“You’d eat anything,” Kai teased, already sliding into a seat, pushing his own tray towards the middle of the table  and reaching for a plate.

“And it would taste amazing,” Yeonjun shot back, flashing a grin as he slumped down on a chair next to him and reached for the nearest bowl of stir-fried meat. “Madame Kwon never misses.”

Beomgyu, who had waited along with them, smirked as he sat down. “If only she loved you as much as she loves me.” He sighed dramatically, leaning back with an exaggerated wistfulness.

“I still don’t get how you do it. I tried everything, last time I smiled so wide that I thought my face would split into half. And you still got a bigger portion,” Yeonjun complained, faking a pout that made him look like duck.

“I told you, it’s just my charm.”

“It’s probably just pity,” Kai teased, already reaching for a piece of melon. “She knows you need extra energy to fuel all the nonsense that comes out of your mouth.”

“Pity?” Beomgyu gasped, clutching his chest like he’d been mortally wounded. “This is respect. Mutual admiration. Madame Kwon and I have an understanding.”

“Sure you do,” Soobin suddenly chimed in with a snort. He pulled a chair from the table and turned around to Taehyun, offering it to him with a gesture of his hand.

He had just been standing at the sidelines, still a few steps behind, somehow still not able to fully close this space, as if he was still in front of an invisible wall that separated them. But as he watched their banter, so easy and flowing naturally, he felt himself again being pulled into their easy stream. Felt the weight on his shoulders beginning to lift. And when Soobin, relentless as he was, extended an offer yet again, it was as though the invisible wall finally cracked.

Taehyun hesitated just for a moment longer, then he stepped forward. When he finally settled down in the chair, tray placed in front of him, he couldn’t help but feel astonished that he had made it until here. Soobin had plopped down in the chair beside him, already reaching for one of the leftover plates on the other trays.

“You okay with the fried rice?”

Startled, Taehyun’s gaze shot up to find who had addressed him. When he found Beomgyu looking at him, it was like a déjà vu, reminiscent of the moment just earlier. This time, the shock only lasted for the blink of an eye, like Taehyun was slowly getting used to it. He nodded mutely.

Beomgyu didn’t press, simply offering him a small smile before turning back to defend his melon from Yeonjun’s wandering hands.

“Just take anything you like. It’s for all of us to share,” Soobin quietly added.

Something about it felt so significant to Taehyun that he had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. “Thank you,” he whispered.

For a while, the table buzzed with the easy rhythm of conversation and shared laughter. Taehyun sat quietly, his gaze flitting between the others as they passed dishes around, bantered, and teased one another like pieces of a puzzle effortlessly fitting together.

He had never seen himself as part of something like this, not even in fleeting daydreams. Yet here he was, seated among them, their voices softening the jagged edges of his thoughts with each passing moment.

Taehyun tried not to think too deeply about it, about how Soobin’s steady presence made him feel a little more grounded, or how Beomgyu’s warmth and humour kept chipping away at the wall he had built around himself. How Kai’s laughter made him want to laugh along and how Yeonjun’s openness made him feel more at ease even though they had met only just yesterday. Taehyun feIt it was easier to simply exist in the moment, letting the tide of their energy carry him.

But as the minutes slipped by, that tide pulled him deeper, stirring something restless in his chest. There was quiet yearning again. And the longer he bathed in this sea of their, the more it seemed to grow. He should have been alarmed by it. After all, he had promised himself to only give in to it today, had hoped to satisfy it and move on. But it spread through him like a flood, unstoppable. Swallowing everything else that had held him back— it all seemed almost insignificant in comparison.

Taehyun swallowed hard, his fingers brushing against the edge of the plate in front of him. He could still feel the guilt and fear, his dark companions that lurked beneath the surface. But as this current that pulled him along grew and the laughter around him filled his ears, a quiet realisation hit him.

Maybe staying away wouldn’t be so easy after all.

Chapter Text

The last chair scratched over the floor as the class fell silent. Mr Cha was standing at the front, peering at them through the horn-rimmed classes resting on his high nose bridge. As the last whisper had faded, he nodded shortly.

“Very well. Good morning, everyone.”

“Good morning, Mr Cha”, the class answered, a little disorderly and not exactly energetically. Beomgyu was glad some of the others apparently felt the same way as he did, rubbing their tired eyes and yawning continuously. Soobin next to him looked as if he had just fallen out of bed, the hair at the back of his head sticking out in every direction. A typical Monday.

Their teacher, however, never appeared the slightest bit tired. And even though he also wasn’t exactly energetic, he always seemed very present and alert. Perceiving the state his class was in this morning, Mr Cha narrowed his eyes for a second, but didn’t comment on it as he continued.

“This week you are going to focus on practicing the spells you have learned so far in class before we move on. We will not go over characters and pronunciation again. As mentioned in previous classes, I expect you to take notes and study them. Therefore, you should know them without referring to your notes, but I won’t stop you from using them anyways, should need be. Before I tell you today’s task, there’s one last thing.”

He paused and pushed his glasses further up his nose. Then, he grabbed a piece of chalk from his desk with a swift motion and stepped in front of the board.

“There will be an interims test before Christmas, so in about four months. There is no specific date yet, but it will be announced in time. The test is designed to determine your learning level so we, as teachers, as well as you as students know how much you have learned and what your strengths and weaknesses are. This will give us a first hint whether you are eligible to take the University entrance test next year. Details will be announced later.” While he had spoken, Mr Cha scribbled notes to some key point on the board.

And with every word, Beomgyu’s heart had sunken a bit more. He knew how those kinds of tests worked from school. They would give him several random tasks out of the curriculum and he would have to perform the spells for them to assess. So far so normal. But it meant performing spells. Using Time. Time he wouldn’t get back.

Of course, tasks would be designed in a way that wouldn’t use too much of a student’s Time. They would probably get an estimate beforehand so they could practice accordingly. It would still depend on how well they practiced and were able to perform said spells. A harmless calculation and some practice to most, an anxiety-inducing headache to Beomgyu.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I can do it. If I practice them enough to only consume as minimal Time as possible, I’ll be fine. It will be fine. Kai can help me. This time was different from that exam in 10th grade. This time, he would be prepared to not use more than what he had accumulated in practice. This time, it wouldn’t be followed by a relapse from the stress. He had done it successfully at tests after, and now, his position was better than ever before.

Slowly, he let out the air that filled his lungs again, nodded reassuringly to himself and opened his eyes. The room around him was filled with rustling and low whispers as some of his classmates took notes and others talked to their friends in hushed voices. Soobin, too, leaned closer to Beomgyu.

“I think I’ll have to join some of your sessions with Kai from now on”, he sighed and looked entirely displeased with the situation.

“Horrible,” Beomgyu answered with a snort. “Imagine having to spend time with us.”

“Worst news I got today”, Soobin retorted with a roll of his eyes and a smirk on his lips. Before Beomgyu could answer anything else, Mr Cha cleared his throat and the whole class fell silent again.

“Alright, that’s enough on that topic. I would like to give you as much time to practice as possible, so let’s continue the lesson. Your task today is to revisit the healing spell. I want you to focus on topical wounds such as bruises and small cuts. I’ll leave it to you how you practice, but you will have to perform the spell. By the end of the lesson I expect to you to have successfully healed at least one small cut or bruise. Please work in teams of at least two and no more than four students. I have blades in the front that you can use.” He pointed to two tray full of shining silver scalpels. “They are enchanted to only cut superficially and the ones over here won’t even draw blood. Should you be sensitive to that please use those. Any questions?”

A boy two rows in front of Beomgyu and Soobin raised his hand. “Can we keep the blade afterwards?”

Mr Cha raised an eyebrow disapprovingly. “No. Please return them.”

“Bummer”, Beomgyu whispered to Soobin who gave a bad imitation of Mr Cha’s expression in response that made Beomgyu snicker quietly. He honestly wouldn’t even know what to do with a blade like that.

“Please get into teams now”, Mr Cha announced loudly, already on his way to take a seat behind his desk. Rummaging erupted in the rooms as everybody turned towards their friends to find a group.

Beomgyu immediately whipped his head to face Soobin fully, an evil grin on his lips. “Looks like you are stuck with me once again.”

“Horrible. Someone come and save me, please.”

“Too bad your friends are in the other class,” Beomgyu sighed dramatically and rested his chin in his right hand. “No one here can save you.”

“Well…”, Soobin said almost hesitantly and his eyes wandered past Beomgyu to the corner of the classroom. And Beomgyu’s eyes widened ever so slightly when he remembered what was in exactly that corner. Or who. How could he forget? It was the corner that become a part of their routine over the past month. Slowly, he turned his head to follow Soobin’s gaze until he met big dark eyes.

Taehyun’s eyes.

Over those weeks they had regained some of their focus and with that also some of their shimmer, making Taehyun look less and less like an empty shell. Maybe it was presumptuous, but Beomgyu attributed that change mostly to their efforts. After all, he knew how healing the presence of his friends had been for himself as well.

Taehyun’s gaze wandered between the two of them, insecurity still lingering in their depths— but also a quiet question. One that Soobin promptly answered with his own.

“Taehyun, you don’t have a group yet. Want to join ours?” His voice was gentle as always when he spoke to Taehyun.

When Beomgyu saw that hesitation in those eyes again, he knew that he needed to say something, too. Something that would loosen that tension, made the threshold appear less high for that miserable boy. Every time Beomgyu saw that look, his heart broke a little as if Taehyun’s pain spilled directly into him. And it felt like it sang in harmony with Beomgyu’s own pain that he buried deep inside. Maybe they both had a chance to forget all that was and had been for a while in the company of each other and their friends.

Beomgyu softened his demeanor and made a smile spread over his face when he raised his voice. “You won’t have to do anything if you don’t want, Soobin and I are basically professionals at healing.” When Soobin threw him a clearly doubtful look, he corrected himself with a snicker. “Okay, that was a lie, but you can just sit back and watch us mess up.”

An almost agonising second passed where Beomgyu wasn’t sure if any of them even breathed as silence filled the air between them. Then, he thought he could see something snap in Taehyun’s gaze.

“Okay”, he finally answered, his voice quiet and sounding almost defeated.

A victorious feeling spread in Beomgyu as if he had just won some sort of fight. “Great!”, he exclaimed with earnest excitement that he could see mirrored in Soobin’s wide grin. “Stay right where you are, we’ll come over. Your place is quieter than ours.”

Taehyun just watched as the two of them stood up and walked the short distance over to him, Beomgyu dragging his chair along and placing it opposite of where Soobin slumped into the seat next to Taehyun.

Before silence could even set in, Soobin leaned back, his left leg already shaking under the table like it usually did and said, “I’m gonna be completely honest with you, I already forgot the characters again. And I left my notes at our table.” He looked over to his place but didn’t even seem to consider actually getting up again. Luckily, he also didn’t have to.

“No problem”, Beomgyu answered confidently. “I went over them again with Kai in our first session. I’ll draw them for you.” He looked over to Taehyun. “Do you have a piece of paper and a pen?”

The addressed just nodded slowly and reached under the table, where all of them had a small compartment to store materials. It was such a normal interaction and yet Beomgyu remembered how just a few days ago Taehyun would still flinch every time he was spoken to as if he was surprised people actually addressed him. It was weird how such a small thing could become so significant.

The pen and paper Beomgyu was now carefully handed looked like they had never been touched before, and from all he knew that was probably also the case.

“Thanks”, he said and made sure to catch Taehyun’s gaze for a short second before he began to carefully draw the characters. When he was finished, he turned the sheet of paper so Soobin wouldn’t have to look at it upside down anymore. With the pen still in hand, he pointed at what he had just drawn.

“So, the first character is the one that needs to be varied depending on what you’re healing, right?”, Beomgyu began to explain, trying to remember how Kai had worded it. Soobin nodded along, so he continued. “The second is indicating living matter, that one you should know and of course the last one is for general mending, that one should be clear as well. Basically you just need to remember which character to put in the first position. This one is for blood vessels, so when you’re trying to stop bleeding. Make sure to add that detail right here, or the colour won’t go away.”  He turned to paper again, drew another character underneath and showed it to Soobin. “And that one is for skin. The great thing is that for superficial cuts you only need that one even if it’s bleeding a little.”

“I think I remember. Was it because that’s enough to still stop the bleeding and the blood vessel can just heal by itself underneath?”

“Yes, exactly.”

Soobin nodded again. “Okay I got it now, I think we can start.”

“I’ll go and get us one of those scalpels. Does any of you have a problem with blood?”, Beomgyu asked and was already on the verge of getting up, but the older boy stopped him.

“Wait, I was actually wondering if maybe any of us already has some kind of bruise or cut before we start to hurt ourselves.”

“Should have asked me last week, I had maybe about four paper cuts on my hands. But they’re all healed now”, Beomgyu replied, showing his hands. “Do you?”

“I bumped my elbow yesterday and it hurt like hell, but I don’t know if it actually bruised.” Soobin rolled up his left sleeve to just above the elbow and turned his arm to show it to Beomgyu.

“I literally don’t see anything. So I think the answer is no”, he said flatly. Then, he slowly turned to the third person in their round, so slow it could have almost been comical— and he could see Soobin doing the same. “You don’t have anything by chance?”

Again, they just stared at each other and Beomgyu gave his best not to get distracted by Taehyun nervously fiddling with the bracelet around his wrist just to escape this uncertainty. The moment dragged on and he began to feel this itch of discomfort that began it’s ascend up his back. Beomgyu could hear an almost inaudible sigh escape Soobin’s lips and it described exactly how he felt. He shifted in his chair and opened his mouth to speak.

Suddenly, Taehyun shifted as well, his hand stalling mid-fidget. Beomgyu could see the decision flicker in his eyes—hesitation giving way to quiet resolve. Then, with slow, deliberate movements, Taehyun rolled up his sleeve.

When he turned his arm, Beomgyu couldn’t suppress a small gasp. The underside of his arm around the elbow was of an angry red that turned into a deep purple towards the middle. The bruise seemed to be fairly fresh, still a bit swollen and it was clear from the sight that whatever happened must have hurt a lot.

“What—”, Soobin began, probably more out of reflex, but Beomgyu interrupted him quickly.

“Yeah, I think that will do”, he said as nonchalantly as he could. He was scared Taehyun would pull back the moment they just breathed wrong, and as casual and light-toned had worked well so far, he wanted to keep it that way. At least for now. Carefully, he threw Soobin a glance and saw that he had already closed his mouth and just resorted to nodding again, his leg still restlessly bouncing up and down under the table.

When he looked back to Taehyun, the boy was sitting the exact same way as before, only his chest rising and falling in a rhythm that appeared somehow unsteady. His heavy bruise was still on display. Beomgyu took a second look, closer this time, even leaned forward a bit to see it better. Now, he could almost see the blood pooling under the faint skin, hints of blue on the edges as it had already begun to break down. From his experience, Beomgyu figured it couldn’t be older than one or two days. That meant that Taehyun had hidden those wounds when he had joined their group on the weekend with none of them noticing. Beomgyu wondered if he hid even more wounds on his body that he endured quietly. But for now that, too, he didn’t dare ask.

Instead, he leaned back against the chair. “Are you fine with us trying to heal that? I mean it looks painful and we need a lab-rat, so I’d call it a win-win.”

Soobin carefully chimed in. “Sorry if that sounds insensitive, but I‘m worried that the spell won’t work for… that.” He nibbled at his lip as he looked between Beomgyu and Taehyun.

But Beomgyu only huffed and waved it off. “As long as it’s still the same kind of injury it’ll be fine. We just need to put in a bit more effort. And we should practice for a bit before, I think.”

He tried not to think about the Time he would have to use to heal Taehyun. If that wasn’t worth it, what was? And yet, he couldn’t help but automatically peer at his watch where the hand for seconds slowly ticked backwards as if to mock him. Beomgyu quickly covered the dial— if to hide it from the sight of the others or his own, he wasn’t sure. But none of the two seemed to have even taken notice of this, perhaps because looking at one’s watch from time to time was entirely normal. Or maybe because Soobin was too busy studying the paper with the characters Beomgyu had drawn while Taehyun’s looked like he had dissociated from reality, eyes unfocused and sitting still like a statue.

After a moment, however, Soobin emerged from his intense staring. “Okay, so what’s the plan for now?”

They agreed to practice for most of the lesson and only attempt to heal Taehyun at the end. None of them was eager to just try and potentially make it worse. However, a part of Beomgyu felt bad that after making Taehyun join their little group they just left him to sit and wait. He had never seen Taehyun even pretend to participate in class, so he was sure that this time wouldn’t be any different.

And he was right. While Soobin and he drew characters in the air over and over, murmured spells under their breaths and sometimes discussed this and that, Taehyun just watched. He had rolled down his sleeve again, arms now resting with hand folded in his lap. Sometimes he watched them so intensely that it felt almost like they were being scrutinised and sometimes he seemed so far gone that Beomgyu wasn’t sure if it wasn’t just an empty shell sitting amongst them again.

In between different phases of practice he also caught himself staring at Taehyun, especially whenever he knew that the other would probably not notice. Beomgyu remembered his shock two days ago, when he had caught a glimpse of the watch that had revealed that Taehyun must have probably spent most of his young life studying and practicing magic. The only other option was that his family was incredibly rich and possessed at least one high-quality Timekeeper from which he could have inherited Time from his ancestors. But that option was less likely, as usually families like that were quite well know and Beomgyu had never heard of a rich family with the surname ‘Kang’. Either way, there were more secrets to Taehyun than just his presumably horrifying past and Beomgyu itched to uncover them.

Sometimes when Taehyun watched them, Beomgyu noticed him twitching at times, his eyes narrowing as he listened to Soobin recite the spell and miss a pronunciation. Could it be that deep down he wanted to correct him? But he never even uttered a single sound, not even when Beomgyu messed up a pronunciation so bad Soobin laughed at him for five minutes straight as if he himself hadn’t absolutely butchered them before. However, if Beomgyu hadn’t been busy berating Soobin he maybe would have caught Taehyun’s lips twitching in what almost could have been called amusement.

“I really think we can do it”, Soobin said as the lesson neared its end. They had decided to take a short break to let their mushy brains breathe for a second after practicing for the past hour. Mr Cha had made some rounds to see if anyone needed assistance, and careful as ever Soobin had asked for reassurance that also bigger bruises could be healed with the same spell.

“If it’s just a matter of closing the blood vessels entirely and removing the blood, the severity of the damage only dictates the appropriate amount of magic intensity. Additionally the spell needs to be upheld longer and therefore results in a higher Time consumption”, he had explained in his typical manner of wording the easiest thing in a way that made them appear more complicated than they were. Fortunately, it only confirmed what Beomgyu had said earlier and gave both of them more confidence in their endeavour.

“Do you trust us?”, Soobin asked Taehyun warmly after he and Beomgyu had discussed the last details.

I don’t think he trusts anybody, honestly. Not even himself, Beomgyu thought with sadness in his heart. He recognised in Taehyun’s eyes how heavy this question weighed in him, how he rang with it and couldn’t find a way to answer it. But sometimes, actions spoke louder than the words that one couldn’t bring oneself to say. So, when he pulled up his sleeve again to reveal the bruise once more, it was answer enough.

An almost triumphant smile danced on Soobin’s lips before he caught himself and assumed a more toned down expression. “We’ll have to touch you for the spell. Are you okay with that?”, he then asked Taehyun carefully and Beomgyu couldn’t help but marvel at the consideration that accompanied each of Soobin’s steps.

“Yes”, Taehyun answered, short and simple and in the quiet tone that they knew from him. If Beomgyu thought about it, their first meeting at been the only time they had heard him speak in another way— cold and rejecting.

“If you twist your arm the whole time it’s going to be uncomfortable. I think it would be best if you could turn around?”, Soobin proceeded and gestured accordingly to make sure Taehyun understood.

“Okay.” Without another word, the boy turned around in his chair, facing them with their back and his exposed arm now hanging loosely beside him. Soobin nodded in satisfaction.

“I’m going to grab your arm to hold it steady and then Beomgyu and I will cast the spell together like we discussed, okay? Please try to hold still.” He waited until he saw that Taehyun agreed, then he turned to Beomgyu. “Ready?”

Beomgyu was, in fact, not ready. Not because he thought he wouldn’t be able to cast the spell, but because he would rather not cast any spell at all. Nevertheless, he still nodded and got up from his chair to kneel on the floor next to Soobin, the bruise at eye level. Soobin apparently decided that sitting on the floor was actually the better way and shortly joined him there. Gently, he reached out and grabbed Taehyun’s arm. His big hand wrapped easily around it although he held it like it would break if he applied any pressure.

“We’ll start now”, he announced once again, and Beomgyu could see the boy’s shoulders stiffened almost imperceptibly, as though bracing for something. Beomgyu found himself gripping his own knees tighter, trying to focus on the spell instead of the unease that seemed to radiate from Taehyun.

When Beomgyu reached out and his fingertips brushed over the bruised skin it felt warm and swollen, almost pulsating under his touch. Taehyun’s arm stayed rigid, his fingers twitching ever so slightly at the touch. Beomgyu couldn’t tell if it was pain or something else, but he felt an inexplicable urge to reassure him, even if words failed him in the moment.

Soobin had also placed his fingertips on the angry red skin, lightly brushing along the edges as if to map it out. Taehyun didn’t flinch again, but he didn’t relax either. Beomgyu didn’t know whether to be relieved or unnerved by his silence—it felt like the quiet acceptance of someone too used to pain.

“Ready?”, Beomgyu asked.

“Ready.”

With a touch light as a feather, Beomgyu began to draw the first character. The magic inside him jumped to life, beginning to vibrate inside his veins as it flowed towards his hands. He guided it to the finger that drew the character, making sure to make it a steady stream instead of the raging flood it wanted to be. His mouth formed around the spell he recited in unison with Soobin. Dual casting was like a couple dance where both had to follow the same rhythm and completely be in tune with each other to not step on each other’s feet. Only then they could share the spell. It was a good way to reduce the required Time for the casting individual because they shared what usually one had to carry alone. In most scenarios, it was meant to be shared half-half, and that had also be the unspoken agreement between Beomgyu and Soobin.

But Beomgyu didn’t give half of the required Time. He just couldn’t. Performing magic on anything living was something he avoided like the plague. It always required a significant amount more Time than performing the same spell on objects. Also, it usually took longer to perfect those spells because the material was way more complex and a lot of things had to be considered in the execution. Until now, Beomgyu hadn’t practiced the healing spell enough to perfect it by far, meaning that he would unnecessarily lose Time due to unclean execution. And the practice just now hadn’t even closely given him enough Time to make up for that. At this point it would probably rob him of eight hours, which was just as much as he lost daily already without performing a single spell.

His heart twisted in conflict as he reduced the time he poured into the spell significantly. He knew Soobin would have to pull most of the weight now, probably without being aware because he was not as familiar with the spell either. Watching Soobin pour himself into the spell only sharpened the guilt. It was one thing to hide behind a smile, but another to let someone else carry your weight. Beomgyu had suggested the dual casting because he knew he could hide behind it. The words had lain like lead on his tongue as he had spoken them. But it had been the only solution he could come up with.

Soobin, I’m sorry. If you knew, I hope you would understand. I’m sorry.

Beomgyu knew he was basically scamming Soobin for his Time to save his own, so when they recited the last word and the bruise faded under their hands, he couldn’t bear to look at his friend. His eyes remained fixed on the red and purple that slowly disappeared into nothingness, only leaving a subtle pink that reminded of the wound that had been there just minutes before.

“We did it!”, Soobin announced, his voice coated in satisfaction and patted Beomgyu lightly on the shoulder. “Took a bit more Time than I expected, but that was worth it.”

A lump rose in Beomgyu’s throat at those words. Of course Soobin had noticed something, even if he didn’t know what the cause of it was. And of course he thought it was worth it. Beomgyu felt so incredibly selfish in that moment that his own skin felt uncomfortable to the point that he wished he could escape it. He, too, had thought that healing was worth it and yet, in the end he had still chosen himself.

“Hey, Beomgyu, are you okay?”, the gentle voice of Soobin asked from beside him, sounding concerned.

“Yeah”, Beomgyu choked out in response. The undeserved concern of his friend made him feel sick to the stomach. He just wanted to get away and hide from it, hide his face that was burning from shame. “I just need to… go to the bathroom real quick.” He shot to his feet so quickly he staggered a bit and stumbled outside, feeling Taehyun’s and Soobin’s gazes burning in his back until the door slammed shut.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

The sound seemed to grow louder, steady and unyielding. Cold metal met the warmth that radiated from Beomgyu’s skin, as the Timekeeper weighed down on his hands. The sound was so familiar and yet almost haunting. Timekeepers didn’t tick. Just like the Timewatches didn’t.

No.

The ticking came purely from Beomgyu’s own anxious mind, staring at the device in his hands, still wrestling with what had happened earlier. He knew the sound wasn’t real, but what he didn’t know was how to escape it in moments like this. When he was reminded of everything that he silently endured. All that he thought in the past weeks he could maybe overcome somehow, or at least just be normal around his friends.

Until now, there had been moments where he had to find weird excuses or went out of his own comfort zone, like the day he had stepped out into the rain with Soobin. But today had been different. For the first time in months, he truly had been confronted with his limitations again and what it took to maintain his secret.

Is it worth it?

He knew he wasn’t ready to open up about his illness to the others, or even just Soobin. Too heavy weighed the fear of his past repeating, of feeling lonely amongst supposed friends again because they treated him as if he would break any second, like porcelain on the verge of cracking. Not being invited to gatherings anymore out of misplaced consideration. Beomgyu had promised himself to never repeat that mistake.

All those reasons had been so clear that he had never questioned his secrecy. Until now. No matter how much he tried to hold onto it, he really didn’t know anymore if it was worth the price. If it meant he had to lie to his friends and even made Soobin pay for his selfish cowardice. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t actually harmed Soobin with his actions— the additional hours Time that had been lost would quickly be accumulated again. If his friend had known, he would have surely offered to cast the spell alone anyways. And to Beomgyu, that probably made his lie weigh even heavier on him.

He’d watched Soobin cast the spell with such ease, oblivious to the truth. If he knew Beomgyu had held back, how would he feel then? Angry? Hurt? Or, worse, overly understanding?

No matter how much he tried to overplay his discomfort during their lunch gathering with Yeonjun and Kai, the glances they exchanged quietly made it clear that they noticed something was amiss. In the end, Beomgyu had quickly excused himself to find refuge in his room. But his circling thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone here either— on the contrary. When the ticking settled in again, filling the silence around him, he just wanted to replace it with his friends chatter again.

Still, the weight of the Timekeeper in his palm grounded him. He couldn’t deny the sense of security it gave him, even though he wished his parents wouldn’t have to sacrifice so much for it. Whenever a relapse occurred, however, Beomgyu knew it could be the only thing that saved him in the end. And with his parents’ Time inside, it was always as if they were right beside him at all times. That had been why he had reached for it now— peeled it from the blue velvet of the box it was neatly tucked in. Since the day his mother had sent it, he hadn’t touched it again. He tried to use it only when he needed to.

Now, as he looked at the silver pocket watch, whose hands indicated that out of the two years it had arrived with one year and seven months were still left, he didn’t know if it made him feel better or worse.

Beomgyu knew his mom would scold him, asking why he didn’t just do it and take from the Timekeeper to make up for it. For them it was a matter of course to give him their Time without question whenever he needed, not quite understanding why he struggled so much with it.

But he had watched them over the years, trying to hide their struggle to manage their job because of the inability to perform the spells they needed to, or even simple everyday tasks after one of his relapses. When his father had to sell his restaurant because they needed the money to buy new Timekeepers. It hadn’t even been enough for one of grade 1. Then, all their money struggles would have at least ended.

Grade 1 Timekeepers were the rarest and most expensive, containing a pure chronium crystal— the part of the device that was actually storing the Time. They were so rare in their pure form that they were only mostly used by governments or owned by rich family dynasties to pass on Time to later generations. Normal people, like Beomgyu’s family, could only ever afford lower grades that contained increasingly impure crystals. They were lucky to get their hands on grade 2 ones that at least lasted several years, even with heavy usage— but they still were so expensive one could exchange two for a small house in the neighbouring village.

The one he currently owned wasn’t even that, but one level below. It had lasted him about two years already. However, that also meant that with every recharge it got closer to slowly losing the ability to actually store the Time and beginning to leak.

So, after all that, how could he just carelessly use it?

“Beomgyu?”

His whole body flinched and he almost dropped the Timekeeper, barely managing to catch it by its delicate chain before it hit the floor. Beomgyu’s heart almost followed it in a dramatic drop, beating like crazy. A curse slipped past his lips.

“Beomgyu, everything alright?” Only then did he recognise Soobin’s voice from behind the bathroom door that connected their rooms, the wood gently vibrating under his knocks.

With one hand, Beomgyu pushed his hair from his forehead, trying to collect himself after the initial surprise. “Uh, yeah, what’s up?”, he then answered, while his eyes darted through the room. He felt this strong impulse to hide the Timekeeper, even if in that moment he wasn’t entirely sure why. With quick steps he set into motion.

“Can I come in for a second? It’s fine if you rather want to be alone right now, though.”

Beomgyu quickened his steps even further and finally reached his desk. “What are you even talking about, why would I rather want to be alone?” The answer was very obvious to him, but he was stalling for time as he fumbled with the closure of the wooden box that was on top of the desk.

Soobin was silent for a second as if he was laying his words carefully out in his head before he spoke. “It could just be me, but I felt like you behaved a little strangely earlier and I just wanted to ask if everything was okay.”

“Oh that!” Beomgyu finally managed to snap the metal closure open and lifted the lid. “I was just not feeling great but it’s fine now.” It’s not entirely a lie, he thought as he swiftly dropped the Timekeeper into the box. Then, he closed the lid as quietly as he could and pushed it behind a stack of books. “Now stop talking to me through the door and just come in.”

When Soobin carefully opened the door with a soft creaking sound, Beomgyu slid into the chair in front of his desk to not just stand around awkwardly as if he had been caught in the middle of something. That wasn’t what happened after all, right?

“Are you really okay now?”, Soobin inquired again with earnestness in his dark eyes, one hand still resting on the door handle, ready to leave again if need should be. Beomgyu could never quite fool Soobin. Even when he thought he’d masked everything perfectly, Soobin always managed to notice the cracks.

“Yes, I’m really okay. Don’t worry.” Between the guilt that still lurked in the shadows, Beomgyu nevertheless felt warmth spreading in his chest. He was so thankful that his friends genuinely cared for him, even though Soobin was smart enough to know that Beomgyu wasn’t telling him everything. But he never tried to dig deeper when he noticed that the other person didn’t want to talk about it and yet unconditionally supported those important to him. With every passing day, Beomgyu became more sure that Soobin wouldn’t treat him differently if he ever worked up the courage to tell him. Maybe after today, that day wasn’t too far.

Soobin seemed satisfied enough with the answer he had gotten and let go of the handle while a grin snuck on his heart-shaped lips. “Great, because Yeonjun invited us to hang out in his room later and it would be too bad if you missed out on that.”

“His room? Why there?”

With a ‘thud’, Soobin let himself fall on Beomgyu’s bed and propped his head up on one hand. “Because he said as much as he likes the lounge it’s too crowded and also he’s broke.” He quietly chuckled. “I’m not complaining, I was curious how his room looks anyways.”

“Aren’t all our rooms basically the same?”, Beomgyu asked, light confusion tinting his voice. As far as he knew they even were furnished the exact same.

“Yes, but don’t you think it says a lot about a person how they decorate their private space?” His free hand mindlessly fiddled with a corner of the blanket underneath him which somehow irritated Beomgyu.

“I mean, yeah, but the last time I was that interested in someones room decoration was when I had a crush on one of my friends— why are your ears turning red?”

“They’re not”, Soobin replied a little too quickly and the hand that touched his definitely red ear also told a different story.

Wait.

Abruptly, Beomgyu sat up in his chair and with a screech of wood against wood scooted closer to the older boy. A suspicion had unexpectedly taken root within him.

“Oh, they definitely are, don’t even lie to me, Choi Soobin.”

As Soobin watched him come closer, he apparently felt the urgent need to widen the distance between them again and respectively pushed himself towards the other side of the bed. “I’m not”, he almost desperately said, now covering both his ears with his big hands.

Beomgyu’s knees now almost touched the bed. “I cannot believe you didn’t tell me. Since when?!”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Stop lying, you’re terrible at it. Since when do you have a crush on Yeonjun?”

Soobin flinched at the word and almost fell from the bed as he reached the other side. It was an almost pitiful scene that unfolded in front of Beomgyu’s eyes and he would lie if he said he didn’t feel entertained by it, a grin already spreading on his face. When Soobin caught himself again, now sitting just on the edge of the bed, he nervously combed through his hair.

“A while”, he finally disclosed and avoided his friends scrutinising gaze.

That itch of curiosity made Beomgyu so jittery that he almost vibrated on his chair. “What’s a while?”

“Basically since Kai introduced us”, the older sighed in defeat, still averting his eyes and staring at a point on the wall.

“Wait.” Beomgyu shot up from his chair in disbelieve. “You have been keeping this from me for months?!” He knew he was being a hypocrite complaining about someone keeping secrets. But wasn’t this different?

“Well I—”

“And I didn’t notice all this time? I always thought you’d be one of the very obvious ones, but look at you.”

“Okay, rude”, Soobin commented indignantly and finally looked at Beomgyu again, although disapproving. It was clear from the spark in his eyes that he didn’t mean it, though.

Cheekily, Beomgyu just decided to ignore it completely as he paced the room. “Oh, this makes so much sense. And I get it—Yeonjun has that whole effortlessly cool thing going on. Half the campus would probably line up for him if they could.” He snickered at the mental image of a crowd of screaming students following Yeonjun like a celebrity. It would fit him, he had to admit.

“You cannot tell him.”

“Of course not, where would the fun be in that?”, he grinned and skipped around the bed just to fluff through Soobin’s hair with an overdramatic gesture that the other endured with a salty expression on his face.

“Better go back to the bathroom and make yourself pretty for Yeonjun.” Beomgyu made sure to put some distance between them again in case his friend decided that he’d had enough.

“I already did”, Soobin answered shyly with a quick glance to the bathroom door, his ears turning a lovely shade of pink again while he tried to clumsily fix his hair. When he looked up and saw the corners of Beomgyu’s mouth almost spreading from ear to ear as he grinned, he groaned and buried his head in his hands, shoulders slumping as his voice emerged muffled. “I can’t believe this whole situation just got worse.”

Beomgyu stretched his arms over his head with a theatrical yawn. “Come on, lover boy,” he teased, throwing Soobin a sarcastic wink as he headed for the door. “Let’s see go see what life-changing secrets Yeonjun’s room holds. But if it’s just the same old room and some laundry I’ll be judging.”

When they actually stepped into Yeonjun’s room after he had greeted them enthusiastically, Beomgyu almost thought for a second that his joke turned out to be actually true. The room appeared to just be filled with the usual furniture and nothing else— just a twin bed against the middle of the lefthand wall with a nightstand on the right and a desk to the left. On the opposite side there was a big wardrobe next to the bathroom door and a bookshelf behind the entrance door. There were no posters or pictures hung up on the walls and the heavy green curtains were the same as in every room as well.

But at second glance, Beomgyu noticed a stack of vinyls in the bookshelf, although there didn’t seem to be a record player. Just above them were some books, some with their cover facing the room so he could see that it was a variety ranging from dance to photography and fashion. On the board that was at about eye level, a picture of a happily smiling child-version of Yeonjun between what must be his parents leaned against one of the books. Other than that, Beomgyu only spotted some kind of perfume on the bedside table, but there was in fact no laundry anywhere in sight. Although that could just be because Yeonjun had cleaned up for them, he couldn't be sure.

“What’s the rating, Mr Critic”, a voice emerged from behind, ringing with amusement. Beomgyu turned around and found himself facing the owner of the room smirking sheepishly at him.

Beomgyu took another slow, deliberate look around, pushed up his imaginary glasses and cleared his throat to give his best impression of a critic’s voice. “Well, on first inspection, there is not much finesse in the interior design. Some might call it basic. But on closer inspection, I did discover that the charm of the decor seems to lie in the minimalism.”

He could hear Soobin snort from the other side of the room, where he had slumped down on the bed next to Kai. As if he hadn’t been the reason Beomgyu had even paid attention to it all in the first place.

Yeonjun, however, just widened his smirk into a grin that reached up all the way and crinkled his foxy eyes. “Yeah, I didn’t bring that much stuff. Most of the space was already taken up by clothes.”

That seems pretty on brand. The thought shot through Beomgyu’s mind as he glanced at the wardrobe, its doors barely closing, with a piece of blue fabric sticking out at the bottom. Now it all made sense.

“I’m surprise they even fit in there,” he mused, reaching for one of the doors.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you”, Kai’s voice suddenly advised from behind, a teasing edge in his tone. “They are not usually all in there.”

Beomgyu turned around quickly enough to catch how Yeonjun threw Kai a sulky look, his lips pouting. “You really didn’t have to expose me like that.”

“They deserve the truth,” Kai replied with an innocent smile.

“Hm, so I guess I should add laundry to my rating of the interior.” Beomgyu made sure to lock eyes with Soobin as he pronounced the word with a candy-sweet smile of his own. Soobin’s eyes instantly shot daggers at Beomgyu, who only pressed his lips together in an attempt to keep himself from bursting out in laughter.

Meanwhile Kai tried to calm down a still sulky Yeonjun by ensuring that it wasn’t necessarily dirty laundry and that it wasn’t a lot after all. Although nobody really payed attention to it beside for Yeonjun himself, as Beomgyu and Soobin were still caught up in a staring contest, Kai’s attempts of appeasement seemed to work.

“What are your thoughts on some late night snacks from the cafeteria?”, Yeonjun asked as they all calmed down again slowly and settled down in a semi-circle. There would have been space on the bed, but Yeonjun decided that the desk was the better place to sit on while Beomgyu settled next to him on the chair.

“I thought you would never ask. I’m actually starving”, Beomgyu groaned, slumping back.

Yeonjun raised his eyebrows. “You really need to stop skipping meals. It’s not good for you.” But his tone was full of earnest care and it threw Beomgyu momentarily out of his cheery persona. For a second, he fell silent.

“I know”, he then answered quietly. “Madame Kwon also always says that.” Beneath the words, he felt a quiet warmth spreading inside, realizing just how many people here seemed to care about him.

“It’s fine, we’ll just quickly get some food now. Who’s going?”, Kai interjected the heavier atmosphere that threatened to spread over them.

“I can go”, Soobin offered.

“I think you’ll need a second person to help you carry all the stuff”, Beomgyu noted. He already had someone in mind that Soobin would probably love to spend some more alone time with. “How about—”

“I’ll go with him.” Kai straightened up and threw a glance at Soobin next to him. Something about his body language was strange to Beomgyu but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it, so he quickly dismissed it. Probably also because he was busy being a little taken aback by Kai hijacking his plan of playing wingman for Soobin.

Yeonjun shifted on the table as he looked into the round with a tinge of uncertainty in his expression. “I’m the host, shouldn’t I be the one going?”

But Kai shook his head, already in the motion of getting up from the bed. “Don’t worry about it, we volunteered. And shouldn’t a host stay with his guests?”

“If you leave there’s only one left, though”, Yeonjun pointed out and looked down to Beomgyu who made sure to return his gaze with big puppy eyes. “Never mind, he counts as two people”, he sighed, the corners of his mouth twitching.

“See, you two are already plenty entertained alone. We’ll be back in no time”, Kai said with his hand on his chest as if the scene before him was the most touching thing he’d seen in a while. Now that he had lost the last bit of his initial shyness he was just as unserious as the rest of them.

Soobin had already reached the door in the meantime and held it open for Kai, who gave them one last wave and disappeared into the corridor. The door closed behind Soobin with a click that reverberated in the silence of the moment. It left a sudden stillness between them, broken only by Yeonjun adjusting his seat on the desk. Beomgyu’s eyes lingered on the shelf for a moment longer before he smirked. “You know, I gotta ask—what’s up with the vinyls? Did the record player not make the cut?”

Yeonjun followed his gaze to the bookshelf. “Oh, yeah, no it did but it didn’t fit in the shelf.” He lazily pointed his foot to the bed. “Its under there in a box.”

Without hesitation, Beomgyu leaned down and indeed spotted a big wooden box with silver clasps and a handle, probably to carry it. Straightening up again he asked, “Do you use it often?”

“Pretty much, yeah. It usually stands around somewhere in the room.”

“I have one in my room at home as well but I didn’t think to bring it. I kinda miss it”, Beomgyu sighed. He really liked listening to music, especially when he was practicing or felt anxious. Without it, his room sometimes felt too silent.

“You can come over whenever you want”, Yeonjun offered. “If you don’t like any of the records i have you can also ask at the student lounge if you can borrow some. They’re pretty nice about that.”

“You really don’t have a problem if I come over to use your record player?” It wasn’t the same as having one of his own but just having the option to listen to music again and maybe even talk to someone about it was equally as good.

“Of course not, I’m happy to have you over anytime,” the older boy reassured and smiled warmly at him.

Beomgyu turned around again to throw another look at the shelf with the vinyls. “Can I take a look at them?”

“Sure.”

He stood up and walked over to the shelf, where he knelt on the floor as the vinyls were on the bottom most board. One after another he pulled the vinyls out to inspect them. Some of them were from artist he also liked , some he had only heard of and a handful was entirely unknown to him. It wasn’t a big collection but he could tell it was carefully curated. Yeonjun watched him with curiosity shining in his eyes, probably looking for Beomgyu’s reaction.

“I like your collection, it’s very diverse”, Beomgyu said and carefully shoved the last record back into it’s place, looking over his shoulder to where Yeonjun was happily smiling at him.

“Thank you! Many of them were gifts so I cherish them a lot. Actually most of the things on the shelf were gifts.” Yeonjun hopped from the desk and walked over to Beomgyu. “That book right here, for example, my mom bought for me when we visited a famous opera.” He pointed to a large book with a picture of a ballet dancer. “And that one over there was a birthday gift from my dad back when I had just joined the photography club at school.” The book he pointed to now was a smaller one with a collage of black and white photography on the cover and the title ‘The Magic of Photography’.

“You seem to have a lot of more artistic interests. Music, dance, photography?”, noticed Beomgyu and let his gaze glide over the books again.

Most of these topics had only rudimentary connections to magic in the sense of camera requiring the activation of a minor electricity spell that was already built in and cost such minimal Time that even Beomgyu didn’t really mind. The person who had invented integrated spells was a true hero to Beomgyu, because if he imagined he would actually have to perform a full electricity spell if he just wanted to turn on a lamp or take a picture he was close to crying. It was enough that all of the smaller lamps here, like the one on his bedside table or in the library, were oil lamps and he had to carry matchsticks around to light them.

“Very observant of you”, Yeonjun replied after a pause where he, too, let his gaze wander over the books. “I’ve always been kinda drawn to the arts. My parents always supported me with this. Taking me to performances and galleries, you know, all that stuff.” Although his voice was casual, Beomgyu noticed a note of sadness in his tone. He could sense that there was more to the story and after contemplating for a moment, he decided to carefully dig a bit deeper. Inside, he already had a hunch where this was going.

“Are you thinking of working in one of those fields?”

When Yeonjun’s expression darkened ever so slightly, he knew he’d hit the nail on its head. It hadn’t been a hard guess. The less a job had to do with magical ability and knowledge of spells, the less it paid in most cases. Many parents would therefore not be exactly amused by their child choosing such a profession— if they weren’t a total failure at magic anyway, at least. Which Yeonjun definitely wasn’t.

“I’d like to be dancer, but my parents want me to get a useful university degree first. In case I fail to make it”, Yeonjun grimaced with exhaustion in his voice that told of many hours of arguing with his parents about it.

“So, you’re here because you gave in?”

With a snort, Yeonjun tore his gaze from the shelf to look at Beomgyu, his arms crossing in front of his chest. “Of course not. I made a deal with them that I would at least try to make the entrance requirements. They’re hoping that if I just learn enough spells I’ll find something else I want to do.”

“And if you meet the requirements and still want to be a dancer they’ll just let you?”, Beomgyu asked.

Yeonjun nodded in confirmation. “That’s the deal.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad if you ask me.”

“To be honest, I thought it would be worse here. But you lot make it really worthwhile”, Yeonjun admitted with a small smile and leaned against the wall behind him, hands now wandering into his pockets.

Beomgyu could feel a smile creep onto his lips as well. “It makes me happy to hear you see it like this”, he said earnestly. After Yeonjun had opened up to him like that, he felt it was only fair to somehow reciprocate it. “You know, actually I—”

The door swung open with a little too much force, and Yeonjun barely flinched in time, pressing himself closer to the wall. His hands shot up instinctively and caught the door just in time.

“Seriously?” Yeonjun hissed, glaring at Kai behind the door, who froze mid-step.

Kai stood like a deer caught in headlights, his arms full of snacks. “ I didn’t think you’d be standing right there!”

“Well, I was,” Yeonjun shot back, his sharp tone more shocked than angry. “Were you trying to assassinate me?”

Kai’s face immediately melted into guilt as he stepped into the room, clutching the snacks to his chest like a shield. “I—I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Did it hit you?”

“No, thanks to my lightning reflexes,” Yeonjun replied dryly, brushing his bangs back into place. “But maybe next time try opening a door like a normal person?”

Soobin stepped in behind Kai, scanning Yeonjun to confirm that he was okay for himself, seeming relieved that he appeared to be just fine.

Kai pouted, offering Yeonjun one of the chip bags he held. “Peace offering?”

Yeonjun huffed dramatically but grabbed the chips anyway, plopping onto the bed.

“You’re so dramatic,” Kai teased, though he looked genuinely relieved that Yeonjun wasn’t actually angry.

Behind him, Soobin gave a small sigh of exasperation as he surveyed the scene. “Let’s just sit down before anyone else gets injured.”

As the room finally settled again, Yeonjun stretched out across the bed, munching his chips lazily, while Kai sifted through the other snacks spread out on the floor. Soobin had slumped down with his back against the bed and just watched. Beomgyu, again seated in the chair he’d claimed earlier, leaned back and let the ease of their camaraderie wash over him.

For a while, there wasn’t much talking—just the occasional rustle of a chip bag or soft laughter whenever Yeonjun made a sly comment. The quiet didn’t feel awkward, though. It was warm, easy, and Beomgyu found himself smiling faintly without even realizing it.

“You know,” Yeonjun said suddenly, breaking the comfortable silence, “this might be already the highlight of my week.”

Kai looked up from the floor, pausing mid-bite. “Really? That’s kinda sad.”

Yeonjun threw a chip at him. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant—it’s nice, you know? Having you all here.”

Soobin nodded in agreement, his voice soft but certain. “It really is.”

“I’m really glad I met you guys”, Kai admitted with a shy smile.

Beomgyu didn’t say anything, but he felt the truth of Yeonjun’s words settling in his chest. Moments like these, where everything felt light and unburdened, were rare. They were fleeting, but maybe that’s what made them precious.

He bathed in their banter and even when their conversation turned to more serious topics as the evening drew on it the atmosphere never really felt too heavy.

Still, somewhere inside Beomgyu’s he felt a quiet absence, as if something were missing. He pondered about it in moments where their chatter died down momentarily, and soon realised that deep within he wished that he could share this feeling with the person that they had all already readily accepted in their space and that was still not here— Taehyun. He didn’t voice that thought, but every now and then his gaze wandered over to the empty space between them that he wished could be filled in the not too distant future.

The clock eventually ticked closer to ten, and Yeonjun sighed dramatically. “Alright, time’s up. If you don’t leave now, they will hunt you down and drag you back to your dorms by the ears.”

Beomgyu groaned, reluctantly getting up from the chair and dusting off crumbs. “They’re acting like we are children and not adults.”

Soobin stretched as he pushed himself off the floor, smirking faintly. “The way you’re acting they’re not wrong.”

The others laughed while Beomgyu gave his best performance of a toddler as they gathered their all the trash and remaining snacks from the floor. When they were finished, they said each other goodbye as Soobin and Beomgyu headed into the corridor, the warmth of the evening lingering even as the door clicked shut behind them.

As they walked to their dorm, he glanced at Soobin beside him, the quiet comfort of his friend’s presence making it harder to ignore the truth gnawing at him. If they ever found out… No; he shook the thought away. For now, it was enough to walk with them, to laugh and pretend everything was fine.

Chapter Text

The tray in Beomgyu’s hands grew heavier by the second as he stood in the middle of the cafeteria, waiting for the rest of the group to finish filling the second one. It was lunch time, so the room was packed with students, meandering around each other like a slalom. Wherever he stood, Beomgyu felt like he was being in the way of someone— and he hated that feeling.

“Guys, can you please hurry up?”, he called them, a hint of annoyance shining through his tone.

Kai turned around from where he was standing at the food counter with an apologetic expression on his face. “We are almost done!”

Beomgyu knew that ‘almost’ was a flexible term from the mouth of his friends. He turned around to the person that was standing slightly behind him like a shadow.

“If they aren’t done in the next two minutes, we’ll just go and eat all of this ourselves”, he whispered. In stage volume, though, as otherwise it wouldn’t have been audible through the bustling of all the busy people here.

Taehyun’s expression didn’t noticeably change as was addressed, which Beomgyu didn’t mind because he was used to it, but nevertheless Taehyun’s gaze wandered over to look at the others. After a few seconds he said in a quiet voice, “They’re coming.”

With a quick glance over his shoulder, Beomgyu confirmed that his friends were indeed finished discussing their choice of sauce and on their way over to them.

Faster than he would have thought after all.

“Finally”, he groaned, his arms already feeling heavy as lead and starting to hurt under the weight of the fully loaded tray. But the relief that he could get rid of that weight now didn’t last long. The second the three of them arrive where Beomgyu and Taehyun were waiting, Yeonjun was distracted by a boy walking past with two bowls of ice cream in his hands.

“Wait, I want that!”, he exclaimed with sparkles in his eyes that were still glued on the boys’s back. “Hold that for a second.”

Without even really looking who he passed the tray in his hands to, he pushed it right into Taehyun’s arms, who grabbed it instinctively before Yeonjun ran off. They all just watched him disappear behind a crowd of student and Kai chuckled quietly while Soobin just grinned.

But Beomgyu really didn’t feel like it was something to smile about at all in that moment. His arms hurt and he was starving— not a great combination for his patience.

“I’m not waiting again. Let’s go, Taehyun”, he therefore announced and started to make his way through the room towards their table. Taehyun on the other hand only reacted slowly, as if didn’t quite know how he even got here— being right in the middle of things instead only on the sidelines as usual.

But unbeknownst to him, everyone else was very well aware of how he got into this situation. Everything that had happened the last couple of days hadn’t exactly been by chance.  

In fact, it had all started when one morning Beomgyu and Soobin had decided to just… kind of jump him. Well, a tad more discreet than that, but they hadn’t just waited to greet him in the classroom like most days. Instead, they had sneakily waited for him.

“I think we need to widen our area of operation”, Beomgyu had said to Soobin in a muffled voice while they stood in their bathroom, brushing their teeth after just waking up.

“What?”

Beomgyu spat out the toothpaste. “I think we did well letting Taehyun join our group in class, but I think we can do more. I feel like he still has way too much time every day where he’s alone with his thoughts and misery. Do you know what I’m getting at?”

With his toothbrush still scrubbing over his teeth, Soobin just nodded.

“We already have our routine with greeting him at class and that’s nice and all. But I wondered why we only meet him there and not earlier, because he has to live somewhere on this floor as well. And then I realised that we go eat breakfast every morning, so we leave quite early. I don’t think he does”, Beomgyu explained the thoughts that had circulated in his head since last night.

While he had spoken, Soobin had finished brushing his teeth and wiped his mouth of all residues of toothpaste. “Are you saying we should get him to join us there as well?”

“Yes, but let me explain my thought process. As I said we have a routine with him and as far as I can tell he not only needs it but also likes it. You know how he always waits for us.”

Soobin chuckled. “Yeah I’m not sure if he’s aware, but his eyes always light up for a second.”

“Exactly. Remember how I told you he was almost smiling back at the picnic? I think we were able to take his mind off whatever causes him pain. What if we can achieve that more often?”

“Look at you. I remember you telling me you can’t coax him out of his shell right now, even if you wanted”, Soobin reminded him softly. “And now you’re even thinking ahead of me. What changed?”

Beomgyu picked up the hairbrush to have something for his hands to do while he searched for the right words. “It just feels good to see yourself having a positive impact on others. It feels somewhat meaningful.”

Judging by the knowing look on Soobin’s face, his friends knew exactly what he was talking about. But he didn’t comment on it any further and just said, “So, what’s the plan?”

Together, they quickly came up with the idea to just make use of the moment of surprise so that Taehyun couldn't even start to overthink what was happening.

First, they had to find out which room he lived in, so that morning they skipped breakfast and waited for him, huddled together in Soobin’s room, glancing through the crack of the door. When Taehyun stepped out of the door just across the hall, way closer than they had expected, they turned in unison and burst into a fit of hushed giggles when they saw each others shocked expression.

The next morning, they nibbled on sandwiches that Madame Known had prepared for them. They had to explain their plan to her when she scolded them for skipping breakfast the day before. Now, she was their biggest supporter, calling them ‘my angel boys’ and promising to just send them food when they skipped a meal. So, when they had come out of the bathroom that morning, a basket with sandwiches had appeared on Beomgyu’s desk with a note on top that wished them good luck.

They spoke through the opened bathroom doors as they waited, eating their sandwiches, and when Taehyun’s door opened this time, the moment had arrived to enact their plan.

“Oh? Taehyun, is that you?”, Beomgyu exclaimed with feigned surprise as he stepped out of the door. Taehyun froze for a second, then he slowly turned around until his widened eyes found Beomgyu. He seemed to relax the moment he did, and Beomgyu felt a spark of satisfaction at that reaction. But what brought out his smile was when Taehyun simply said, “Hi, Beomgyu.” Nothing unusual, but sometimes it were the small things.

“Hi, Taehyun”, he beamed. Then, he turned around and called Soobin like they had discussed and together they took Taehyun between them as if they had always been doing that and just yapped about this and that all the way to the classroom. And Taehyun just went along with them.

In class, he naturally became part of their practice group again and watched as they tried several variations of the levitation spell. When they even dragged him along to lunch, Beomgyu almost feared they had overdone it because Taehyun looked so exhausted and his reactions came even more toned down than usual. But he still dared to ask, “See you tomorrow morning? We can walk together again if you want.”

And when Taehyun answered, “Okay”, he considered their plan already a major success.

Today, when he had stepped out of the door, Taehyun had looked around until he found Soobin and Beomgyu waiting for him, and although his steps where still hesitant when he approached them, Beomgyu could see the progress they had already made in every one of them. It made him feel incredibly proud— of themselves but even more so of Taehyun. He knew he probably had to push himself to take each one, even beyond his limits.

As Taehyun now followed him through the cafeteria, with a tray in his hands that carried food for not only him but all of them, Beomgyu smiled to himself despite his mood and suddenly his arms hurt a little bit less. It felt like all the pieces slowly fell into place and he couldn’t wait for them to settle in and reveal the completed image.

Beomgyu set the tray down on the surface of the table with a relieved sigh and slumped down onto the chair, massaging his tired arms.

“I swear, another minute and I would have dropped it”, he whined with a frown towards Taehyun, who carefully placed the tray that had been entrusted to him next to the other one.

“I’ll carry the heavier one next time.” Taehyun’s gaze found Beomgyu’s with a soft carefulness.

Before he could stop himself, Beomgyu’s eyes widened at the words, surprise lingering within. This time, he was the one who only nodded wordlessly, still trying to pick up his thoughts that lay scattered as if he had dropped them instead. The sentence wasn’t a big thing— unless it was. Wasn’t this the first time Taehyun showed real signs of caring? Beomgyu was quite sure it was, and that was such a big step that he almost started to vibrate with the need to tell the others. He looked around and saw them approaching, but he also noticed that Taehyun was still standing next to him and fiddling with his bracelet again.

Beomgyu was hit by a realisation and almost facepalmed at his own stupidity. He’d just left Taehyun with a simple nod instead of treating his words with the reaction they deserved because he’d been too busy being surprised.

“Thank you so much, Taehyun, that means a lot”, he said quickly, but inside he was entirely displeased with himself because that just didn’t feel enough. With a gesture to the chair next to him he added, “Please, sit down and grab a plate.”

Beomgyu was so bad it this— where was Soobin when you needed him?

“You’re not thinking about starting without us, are you?” Well, speaking of the devil.

“You’re late”, Beomgyu grumbled.

Soobin lifted his eyebrows so that they disappeared under his bangs. “Someone’s grumpy today.”

“I told you, I didn’t sleep well. And I’m starving.”

“Again? I thought it’s gotten better”, Kai asked with concern painted on his face.

Sighing again, Beomgyu reached for a random plate on the table. “It has, but it still happens. Tonight wasn’t too bad, though.” He could feel Taehyun’s eyes resting on him but decided to keep his own wandering between Kai and Soobin opposite of him. He didn’t want Taehyun to feel caught staring. He should stare all he wanted as long as that meant he was present.

“Guys, they have so many different flavours!”, a voice emerged from the head of the table— and it was a very excited Yeonjun with another tray with different bowls filled to the brim with ice cream.

Soobin snorted out a chuckle. “Yeonjun, who is supposed to eat all that? And I think it’ll melt before we even get to it, look at all the stuff we already have.”

“It’s enchanted to not melt, dummy”, Yeonjun retorted with an almost endearing voice as if Soobin was just being a little silly, although all of them probably had had the same thought. Beomgyu at least did. But nobody wanted to dim Yeonjun’s excitement by reiterating that they now had way too much on the table, so they all busied themselves by choosing things to dig into.

“Taehyun, would you hand me the stir-fry, please?”, Kai asked, his hand outstretched and obviously able to grab it himself which made his intention clear as day.

Usually someone would have teased him whether he couldn’t do it himself, but after all, they had agreed to use every opportunity to include Taehyun as much as possible. Even through small gestures. Beomgyu wasn’t sure if earlier Yeonjun had been intentional in passing the tray to him or not,  but regardless— it had been perfect. Now, they all tried their best to not be too obvious as they watched Taehyun pass the plate and small grins flashed on their faces as they exchanged glances.

Maybe it was the feeling of triumph settling over them, but their laughter grew louder, their banter flowing faster, like they were all caught up in the same unspoken excitement. The conversation carried on, words blurring together, and Beomgyu found himself tuning out, his gaze flickering toward Taehyun. Not to check if he was okay—just because.

And that’s when he saw it.

The corner of Taehyun’s lips, curling up, almost imperceptibly. A quiet amusement, a fleeting warmth that had been absent for so long. Beomgyu felt something lodge in his throat. He didn’t say anything. Didn’t want to break the moment.

But he couldn’t stop staring.

Beomgyu hadn’t seen Taehyun smiling since the picnic a while back, and although he had hoped for it, he hadn’t really expected to see it so soon again. And this time, the tiny, barely visible smile wasn’t fleeting, like the last one, caught after just a second. It lingered for a while, so long that everyone of their group eventually realised, one after another. It was a beautiful moment to watch all of them break into wide smiles as they did, kicking each other under the table, giddy and just so happy. It was as though they were intoxicated; drunk on their shared success.

It lasted even until the next day, again at lunch together, where Beomgyu just couldn’t stop himself staring at Taehyun, waiting for every sign of a smile like an addict thirsting after the next high. He sat opposite of him today, which made it even easier for him to do so. And again, he wasn’t the only one. Beomgyu caught his friends glancing too, their eyes flicking to Taehyun more often than usual—waiting, hoping, just like he was.

They didn’t wait for nothing. Every now and then during their usual conversation, Taehyun’s lips curled upwards, not really widely smiling and far from hearty laughter but this alone was so huge. And it didn’t just happen once but over and over. It was as if a thread had finally been woven between him and the rest of them, delicate but there, holding. 

When they left the cafeteria that day, Beomgyu felt as if he were levitating.

With a yawn, Beomgyu stretched on his chair, feet outstretched under the heavy dark-wood table and hands reaching towards the ceiling.

It was just after another lunch and the drowsiness of a well-filled stomach slowly started to set in. Not a great time to be sitting at the library with the intention of studying, but there was no way he would ever post-pone one of his study sessions with Kai if not absolutely necessary. He knew from experience now that even in a tired state, those sessions were definitely worth it. No matter how tired and slow he was, Kai never once complained and just adapted patiently after he’d realised that Beomgyu insisted on the lessons no matter what.

Because since they had started, Beomgyu’s didn’t just have to uselessly watch his Time decreasing day by day. Instead, it even started to increase little by little. As he watched the clock hands finally tick in the right direction again, even though it wasn’t much, it sparked a greater hope in Beomgyu than he had dared to have in years. So, how could he ever miss even one of those precious sessions?

They had just arrived at their usual table that was tucked between towering bookshelves in one of the back corners of the big library. It was a very quiet place, as almost nobody ever came all the way back here, so they always had it to themselves. Sometimes they just left all their books scattered around the table until the next session and so far nobody had ever complained, which manifested their believe that few even knew there was a study area here. They themselves had only found it because Beomgyu and Soobin had spend way too much time trying to find just any place devoid of any chattering students during their first week here.

Now, however, the place was filled with chatter regardless. But it was that of Kai and Yeonjun and that was the only noise Beomgyu was more than willing to accept during study sessions. Yeonjun had just tagged along out of boredom because Soobin insisted he needed a nap, but they all knew it was just so Taehyun wouldn’t have to go to the dorms alone. Taehyun seemed to slowly adjust to their energy, but they still didn't dared to drag him along for everything. But they were working on it with considerable success. He had even joined for breakfast today.

“Didn’t Ms Lim tell us it’s fine to be a bit sloppy with that one?”, Yeonjun said as Beomgyu tuned back in into their conversation, completely unaware what the topic even was right now. He noticed confusion in Kai’s expression in response to Yeonjun’s words, but instead of asking what it was about he reckoned he would find out soon enough if he just listened.

“What are you even talking about, that doesn’t make any sense.” Kai shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Being sloppy is never good, especially not if you work on living matter.”

Yeonjun pulled his eyebrows together, looking confused as well. “I’m sure she said that, though? Because you’re only stimulating growth and not doing anything else and the growth potential is already there.”

“That’s true but if you’re not careful you can overexert the natural growth potential and the outcome could be not too bad but you really never know. Also, you know that it will unnecessarily strain your Time.”

Based on what they had covered in class so far, it was clear they were discussing the spell for accelerating plant growth. It was a convenient spell and a first step into botanical magic, a sub-branch of elemental earth magic. As one of the more complicated elements, earth was usually only addressed in advanced high school classes. Botany required more attention to detail than one would expect at first. But Beomgyu had to admit that he hadn’t paid that much attention in that particular class because he really didn’t know when he would ever use even a second of Time to make a plant grow faster if they eventually grew anyways without any help. Also, wasn't it way more rewarding to nurture and watch a plant grow naturally?

“I think Yeonjun’s not completely wrong? Mr Cha said something similar as well, I think”, Beomgyu chimed in nevertheless, feeling like this was a good moment to involve himself in the conversation again.

“Thank you!”, Yeonjun exclaimed and straightened up from the slumped position he had assumed on the chair.

Kai waved his hands in an appeasing gesture. “I wasn’t saying you were wrong—just that ‘sloppy’ isn’t quite the right word. You still have to be careful with growth potential, or things might go wrong. But you’re right. If you just manipulate growth potential you don’t need to be as concerned about accuracy.”

 “HAH.” Yeonjun’s head snapped up, eyes shining with vindication. With a dramatic flourish, he raised a fist in the air before slapping Beomgyu’s shoulder in approval “Thanks, I knew I could count on you.”

“Of course, us stupid people have to unite against the magically intellectual.” Beomgyu held his hand up and Yeonjun high-fived without hesitation and a quiet giggle.

“Just for the record, I don’t think you’re stupid and I am not magically intellectual”, protested Kai.

Yeonjun threw him a heavy side eye while Beomgyu nodded with a sarcastic frown. “Yeah, why are you even tutoring me?”

“I can stop if you want.”

Beomgyu gasped, clutching his chest like a tragic hero before dramatically sliding off his chair onto his knees. “Oh great Kai, Grandmaster of magic, please don’t stop blessing this unworthy soul with your teachings.”

Giggling erupted from Kai’s throat, loud and distinct. “And I thought Yeonjun was the dramatic one.”

“He’s no match for me.”

“Just you wait”, Yeonjun said with a challenging expression.

They shared another moment of laughter, but Beomgyu noticed that something was off about Kai, as if he was chewing on some words concealed under his laugh.

As their giggles died down, a quiet moment settled between them. Kai shifted in his chair, biting his lip, his fingers tapping lightly against the edge of the table. Then, with a deep breath, he finally looked up.

“Uhm, guys, I know I said it before but I really need you to stop painting me like this genius at magic just because I have a lot of Time. I really don’t know that much more about magic than you, just enough to be one step ahead of class. But…”

He hesitated, eyes wandering as if he was uncomfortable to look at them right know, still biting his lip as he thought about his next words. Yeonjun and Beomgyu shared a concerned glance, unsure whether they had upset Kai with their bickering or if there was another reason unknown to them. Beomgyu could see that Yeonjun didn’t really know what to do about this either, so they silently agreed to just wait for Kai to express what obviously weighed on him.

“I feel like a fraud, because I am not the genius of my family. I didn’t even earn my Time on the most part”, Kai finally continued in a muted voice, pain seeping through his words.

There had been hints of this pain before, glimpses peeking from beneath a tightly shut lid bottling Kai’s feelings. Beomgyu had never dared to even touch that lid to see what lay underneath, but now it seemed like it had been loosened enough for those contents to spill out. None of them wanted to press the matter, but it seemed like they didn’t have to after all. Just some simple words that were meant as a joke had been enough. While Beomgyu was still unsure how to respond— if even to respond just yet, Yeonjun seemed to feel guilty about causing this reaction.

“Kai, I’m really sorry if we upset you in any way. We really didn’t mean to.” He leaned forward to reach his hand over the the table towards Kai as if he wanted to soothingly touch him, but he couldn’t quite reach across. “I don’t know why you think you’re a fraud because I can clearly see that you have a lot of knowledge and a talent for magic. I know you feel like you didn’t earn it, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it.”

Beomgyu really couldn’t have said it better. Those were the words that had circled in his mind spoken by Yeonjun’s lips. He was taken by surprise by the sudden shift in atmosphere and struggled to adjust to the heaviness that had spread around them, so all he could contribute was nodding along to Yeonjun’s words. But no matter how sincerely they were spoken and how well intended they had been, they seemed to stir something in Kai because his expression darkened even more than before, an unfamiliar look on that usually bright face.

“I earned nothing”, he almost whispered, his fingers knotting together tightly like he was holding himself together. “They gave me that Time out of pure pity because I couldn’t get there myself.” Kai avoided their eyes but Beomgyu could still see a familiar shame glimmering within his gaze. He knew too well how deep pity could cut and how it felt to receive something that you thought you didn’t deserve.

And with that mutual understanding, Beomgyu found his voice again and quietly asked: “Why would they pity you?” A simple question and yet he knew it was the right one to ask.

“You call me a genius, but if you’d meet my family, you’d understand what true genius is. My brother started university when he was fourteen; and my sister used to tease my by making my toys invisible at seven. How could I ever compare to that?”

Well. That was indeed something. Beomgyu had to swallow at the thought of such talent and probably also dedication to magic. He didn’t even want to start thinking about how much Time Kai’s siblings must have. Especially if they, too, had the option to get some gifted on top. Beomgyu had suspected before that Kai’s family must be one of the richer ones when he had mentioned that his Time wasn’t entirely his. It was common for those old rich families to pass down Time over generations, as they were the ones that could usually afford the highest grade Timekeepers. He didn’t know a lot about those families, most of them not important enough to remember their names or even details about them. Only a few were famous for their family history reaching back millennia and still being incredibly influential today as heads of huge companies or part of the government. But it was more likely that Beomgyu had never heard of Kai’s family. Not that it would change anything for him either way.

Yeonjun wore an expression of careful empathy when Beomgyu returned from his thoughts to look at him. The older boy had his hand still resting atop of the table, keeping it outstretched towards Kai as an offer to take it whenever he felt like it. His face didn’t tell of pity, but only quiet understanding. After all, as Beomgyu had just found out a few days ago, he too struggled with not being able to fulfill his parents expectations.

“Why do you feel like you have to compare to them?”, Yeonjun asked in a gentle voice.

“How could I not if that is all that has ever been important to my parents? When all my life I had to hear ‘At your age, your brother could already do that’. ‘Your sister perfected that spell in half the time.’” He paused. “‘Don’t show people your watch.’”

The last sentence hit Beomgyu unexpectedly deep in his soul. Feeling the need to hide the display of your Time from people was also something he was painfully familiar with. Something so perfectly normal being such a source of anxiety when everyone else didn’t even think twice about it was a different, quiet kind of pain.

“I once thought if I just tried enough, they would at least be proud of my efforts, even if I could never compare. That they would at least acknowledge my hard work”, Kai continued into their silence as if the words were eager to finally take form outside of his mind. “But they haven’t paid attention to me in a long time, I don’t think they even notice.”

He exhaled slowly, his hand reaching, not for Yeonjun’s, but toward his backpack resting beside him on the table. It was half unzipped, papers slipping out, books stacked haphazardly, a quiet mess in contrast to Kai’s usual effortless composure.

And dangling over the edge of all that chaos was that small, handmade keychain that Beomgyu had noticed before. A tiny penguin, worn at the edges, its colors slightly faded from years of handling. Beomgyu’s gaze flickered to Kai’s face, catching a softness there—something distant, yearning. It was the kind of look that people wore when they were caught between the past and the present, between what was and what they wished could have been. Now, as Kai’s fingers brushed over it with such deliberate tenderness, it felt like more than just a trinket. A keepsake, maybe. Or a memory Kai was holding onto.

For a moment, Beomgyu wanted to ask. He only vaguely remembered Kai mentioning that his mum had made it. But before he could find the words, Kai pulled his hand back to rest just centimeters away from Yeonjun’s fingers. Finally, after all those minutes, Kai lifted his gaze to meet theirs again.

“All I want is to be able to give back this borrowed Time. I never wanted it and I only took it because I felt like I had to. But from now on, I’ll do everything to replace it with my own.” There was resolve shining in his eyes as he looked between them, but also a silent plea for support.

Beomgyu felt his heart swell, not just with empathy but relief. Finally, he was presented with a way to give back. Even if it was selfish, he was glad there was finally something he could support Kai in as well. Kai had carried him through every study session, helped him fight his way out of hopelessness, without ever asking for anything in return. Now, Beomgyu could stand beside him as well.

“Whatever you’re doing, we’ll be here for you”, he said with quiet certainty. “And if we have to fight your family for it I’m ready to whip out some battle magic.”

“And if that doesn’t help I can definitely do a roundhouse kick,” Yeonjun added with a mischievous smirk.

Kai’s lips twitched in response, but the heaviness didn’t fully lift. “Thank you, guys, honestly. But for now I’m just glad that I’m out of that house. It was… suffocating.”

With a sigh Yeonjun leaned back in his chair. “I get it. I know exactly how that feels. To feel suffocated in your own home.”

“Your parents, too, right?”, Beomgyu asked, remembering their conversation the other day. After all, Yeonjun’s parents also had expectations for their child that he apparently couldn’t quite fulfill.

“What? Oh, no, that’s not what I mean.” Yeonjun waved his hand as if to shove the assumption aside. When he saw Beomgyu’s subtle confusion he explained, “My parents— they mean well. We just don’t agree on whats best for me. That’s exhausting and frustrating, sure, but… I meant something else. A very shit relationship actually.”

“You were in a relationship before?!” Beomgyu had somehow just assumed that they were all in the same boat as chronically single losers, because he knew that Soobin had never been in one and judging by Kai’s reaction he hadn’t either. But of course, Yeonjun had been in a relationship before. With all those people swarming around him, swooning and giggling, it made a lot of sense.

“It’s not how you probably think it went”, Yeonjun said quickly. “I got into it because it felt like I had to. All my friends were dating and having sex and I felt like I was falling behind. I was just never that interested in it, you know? I never understood what the big fuss was about.” He rubbed the back of his neck, his usual lighthearted energy dimming into something more vulnerable. “I don’t know. I thought… maybe I’d get used to it. But I hated it. I said yes to things I didn’t want. Because that’s what you do, right? That’s what it is supposed to be like?”

His voice carried discomfort and the weight of those words settled over them. Beomgyu felt his chest tighten. He could see Yeonjun fighting to keep it light—like it was just another story—but there was hurt there, raw and tangled.

Kai’s brow furrowed, thoughtful. “But… that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I mean, some people just… don’t want those things, and that’s normal too.”

Yeonjun looked up, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Some people don’t really feel like that kind of stuff is important to them. Or they don’t want it at all. They just don’t feel that kind of attraction to people. It’s not weird or anything, it’s just… different.” Kai shrugged lightly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Beomgyu glanced at Yeonjun, whose expression was unreadable—but his eyes had sharpened, like something had clicked into place, even if he didn’t know what it was yet.

“Oh,” Yeonjun said quietly. “I thought theres just something wrong with me.”

“There really isn’t! It’s not that common, but it’s a thing,” Kai added. “No one talks about it much, I just know because my brother is like that. It’s really not like… wrong.”

A pause stretched between them, not awkward, but thoughtful.

Yeonjun eyes were widened a bit and Beomgyu could see thoughts whirling behind them, questions, but also a kind of relief. “I guess I have some stuff to think about”, Yeonjun finally said with a slow blink.

“We’re here for you if you need to talk about it some more”, Beomgyu offered simply, knowing it was the right thing to say. But he wasn’t sure if he’d be a much help in that matter, because he wasn’t even sure if he understood entirely what they were talking about.

But the tension in the air finally eased, shifting back into something more familiar, more comfortable. They drifted into easier conversation—books they needed to read, the next thing they could do to fully integrate Taehyun into the group—but the echoes of their honesty lingered beneath the surface. Beomgyu caught Kai’s hand brushing over the keychain one more time before they packed up their things. He didn’t ask, but he didn’t forget. Someday, he would find the right time to ask about it.

As they left the library together, the air felt different between them—not heavier, but closer. Like the threads tying them together had been pulled just a little bit tighter.

But still, as everyone slowly opened up, Beomgyu couldn’t shake the feeling that he was the only one left standing on the other side of an invisible line. A line he had drawn himself, so long ago it had hardened into something real—something that now felt less like a shield and more like a cage. And although, for the first time in what felt like forever, he found himself stepping closer to that line, testing its edges, he didn’t know if he had it in him to cross it.

But he wanted to.

If only he knew how.

Chapter Text

The past day had been a lot for Taehyun— and still, he wouldn’t want to trade them for anything. No matter how exhausted he was at the end of the day, he dreaded the moment he had to return to his dark lonely room where laughter and chatter were only a distant echo.

This warmth and kindness of those who had welcomed him despite everything was addicting. It breathed life into his battered soul, offering brief, blissful moments where pain faded—where a smile, however small, could find its way to his lips.

In the beginning he had still felt bad every time his lips curled and this warmth wrapped around him; he struggled to accept it, still too caught up in his self-loathing. But the voices in his head got quieter each time, and his longing grew too strong. He didn’t have the strength to resist it any longer— and did he even want to?

So eventually, Taehyun just gave in, the voices not gone but quiet enough to shove them to the side. Only during the night did they grow stronger again, keeping him awake with their torment, nightmares shaking him nevertheless.

As long as he was with them, however, he knew the memory of them would fade as well for a while, and so, he caught himself seeking out the company of Beomgyu and Soobin. He wasn’t as comfortable with Yeonjun and Kai yet, but he knew he would be. Kindness had a way of wearing down walls. Not once did he feel like an intruder in their group but like he had always been supposed to be there.

With every passing day, he grew more and more used to their routines and a feeling of gratefulness slowly took hold of his heart and replaced his reservations. He just didn’t know how to properly express it, yet.

However, he had noticed their glances amongst each other, their giddiness whenever he smiled while letting himself get dragged along by their easy banter. Taehyun was sure they thought he wouldn’t notice, but now that he finally started to spend more time in the present again instead of the past, his attentiveness started to kick in. He had always been exceptionally aware of his surrounding, noticing things others didn’t. Also, they were a bit more obvious than they seemed to think.

Weirdly, he felt a lot of joy watching their reactions to him. It felt rewarding in a way. And it made it hard for him to feel guilty for smiling again. If it made other people happy, it couldn’t be too bad, right? If he told himself he did it for them and not for himself, it was easier to accept.

And yet, he couldn’t shake the fear of hurting them in the end. He promised himself that if he ever did anything that hurt one of them, he would pull away without hesitation to save them from himself.

Although he knew his sister would have wanted for him to be happy, he owed it to her to never repeat the same dreadful mistake.

Maybe it was this promise that prevented him from completely letting loose and just enjoying the moment. Also, he wasn’t used to being around people anymore and no matter how much he relished their warmth, it was taking a lot of energy from him.

He wished for nothing more than that exhaustion to pass, because in their consideration Beomgyu and Soobin always sent him away to rest. Taehyun tried to appreciate their well-meaning spirit. After all, he was well aware that they were right and he shouldn’t push himself too much past his limits. But sometimes he just wanted to scream and plead not to be sent away to the solitary of his room, where the pain would always claw its way back to his chest.

So, he did as he had before finding himself part of a group and sought refuge in the library’s quiet solitude, tucked away in his usual armchair. Here, hidden among towering shelves and dust-speckled light, he could let stories swallow everything he didn’t want to feel.

Carefully, he shifted in his seat as he felt his left foot starting to tingle due to his weight cutting off circulation. The book on his lap threatened to fall and he just caught it in time before it hit the floor. Caught up in his thoughts, he had forgotten it was even there.

Cursing under his breath because he had crumpled a page as he caught it, he straightened up again—only to nearly drop it a second time as voices cut through the library’s stillness, startling him.

He knew that sometimes people must have found their way to the heavy wooden table that occupied the free space in front of the shelf he was hidden behind, as sometimes books lay scattered across it and then disappeared again. But not once had he met anyone here, somehow managing to always miss whoever came here.

Today, he didn’t seem quite as lucky.

Taehyun melted into his armchair, book clutched in his arms and heart thumping from the sudden adrenaline rush of surprise. He knew nobody could see him behind the towering shelf, yet he tucked his feet closer to his body, not a single limb sticking out. It was almost like an instinct.

“Please don’t hit me, but I think today we need that book because I need to look something up”, one of the voices said. It sounded familiar, but Taehyun was too busy thinking about how he could get out of here without being seen to really pay attention to it.

As the other voice answered however, his thoughts came to a screeching halt.

“You’re joking, right. I thought I left the days with that book behind me thanks to you.”

This voice was one of few that Taehyun would recognise anywhere— it belonged to Beomgyu.

What was he doing here?

It was a stupid question. Obviously, he came here to study. Taehyun knew that he was tutored by Kai, they had talked about it more than once during lunch. But what was he doing here, in this corner of the library? Could it be… but that would be too big of coincidence, wouldn’t it?

“Nope, sorry”, the other voice said and now he could identify it as belonging to Kai without a doubt.

Beomgyu groaned and Taehyun heard a muffled ‘thump’.

“Okay, I’ll go get the damn thing.”

He heard footsteps moving away from him. A zipper was opened with a soft whirr and pages rustled. He caught himself breathing more shallow as to not make too much noise, but he didn’t even know why he still had the instinct to hide now that he knew it was just Beomgyu and Kai. Maybe it was just too deeply ingrained in him.

After a few minutes of silence, only interrupted by the occasional rustling of paper, footsteps sounded again which could only mean that Beomgyu returned. There was another ‘thump’, heavier than the first. Taehyun could basically see the way Beomgyu slammed the heavy book onto the wooden table in front of his inner eye.

He knew exactly what that book was, because although there were tons of different books about any kind of magic, this one was the most popular for university preparation— ‘Introduction to Intermediate Magic— A comprehensible guide’ by Kim Suwon. Although it sounded dry, and maybe to some people it actually was, Taehyun had spent days, if not weeks or months studying it. He had spent so much time on it, that in the end he knew all its contents by heart and didn’t even need the integrated search spell anymore to find any specific page.

As he remembered the hours spent with this book, pain shot through his chest like an arrow and buried itself deep into his heart. Magic had once been his everything, his joy— his calling. That day, he hadn’t just lost his sister, but everything that had given his life meaning. And yet, could he even dare to mourn it the same way? After all, it were his own hands that had tainted it all in blood. He hadn’t lost it, he had taken it from himself.

Before Taehyun could get too lost in a dreadful downwards spiral again, however, Beomgyu’s voice took his attention once again.

“Please tell me you know at least where the spell is. You know how many hours I spent with Soobin looking for spells alone.”

“I have an idea at least. I know where the elemental spells are and it has to be there somewhere”, Kai answered with uncertainty.

Don’t tell me they don’t know?

“It better.” There was more rustling of paper. “I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t include a table of contents and page numbers. It doesn’t make any sense”, Beomgyu complained.

Taehyun pinched the bridge of his nose right between his eyes.

Apparently, they really didn’t know. And that just made their lives so much harder for no reason. One of the perks of this particular book that it was highly convenient to use. You just had to activate an integrated search spell and ask for the desired page, and then the book would automatically turn to it. He would have to let them know later. Or better yet, right now.

But his body wouldn’t move a single muscle like something was holding him in his chair, and he had not enough reason to fight against that for the moment. So, he just stayed right where he was and continued to listen to what was happening behind him.

“Found it!”, Kai cheered excitedly. Beomgyu audibly sighed in relief.

“Okay, let me see.” There was a short pause, before Kai spoke again. “Alright, I see. It’s just as I thought. So, basically, it’s just fire magic but the tricky thing is condensing the flame and shaping it into a ball. You need to have very precise control of your magic so be able to achieve that. Especially if you summon multiple orbs, because the more you have the more you’ll have to be able to control, obviously. It’s a very good exercise for your command over the magic flow, so exactly what you’re looking for. The reason we don’t do it in class is because it just looks pretty and doesn’t really do anything.”

Taehyun had listened to Kai’s explanation with growing discomfort and in the end, he fought to suppress a surge of horror, as he realised which spell they were about to practice. He was all too familiar with that spell. The one that summoned small orbs of light like little stars. Images of raging balls of fire, growing and raging out of control, swarming around a fragile, screaming girl, sticking to her skin and—

STOP!

His shaking hand clasped over his his mouth, muffling the rapid, panicked breaths that started to escape from his cramping lungs.

It’s not real. It never happened like this. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s. Not. Real.

But no matter how much he tried to conjure the real memories of that day— his sister’s delighted laugh as she watched the orbs dance around her and the sparkle in her eyes that remained even after Taehyun had made them slowly dim until they disappeared— dark shadows of that nightmare clawed their way back into his mind.

Taehyun’s heart was racing, even more so than when he had been surprised by Kai’s and Beomgyu’s arrival. His field of sight seemed to blur around the edges and all the sounds started to sound as muffled as his labored breaths.

He knew he was slipping. But this time— this time he didn’t just give in. A sudden fighting spirit awoke inside him.

Laughter cut through the air— Beomgyu’s laughter— and Taehyun instinctively clung to it until it was everything he could hear, echoing in his mind and pushing back everything that wanted to pull him down into the darkness. Like a ray of sunshine fighting it’s way through thunderous clouds.

He focused even harder on the voices beyond the bookshelf, grounding himself in them. Kai was explaining something, his words half-lost beneath the pounding in Taehyun’s ears.

“…just start with one at first. You need to get a feel for its weight before trying more.”

“Why don’t you demonstrate it first? You’re the one who knows what you’re actually doing”, Beomgyu suggested.

“Don’t be too worried. It’s just application of fire magic, and you know how to control a flame. You can do it”, Kai answered encouragingly.

“But I’m not sure if—“

“Just try it!”

“Fine, okay. But don’t get mad if I set something on fire”, Beomgyu hesitantly gave in, but still with a joke on his lips as usual.

He knew Beomgyu wasn’t being serious, but still images again flooded Taehyun’s vision and the room around him slowly started to tilt. He needed to get a grip. He was fine. They weren’t real.

It wasn’t real.

One of his hands was still tightly clamped around the book he had been reading earlier, almost forgotten, but it was another thing that helped to anchor him in reality. Taehyun forced himself to feel its weight, trying to take slower breaths. All was fine.

“Good job, Beomgyu. See, I knew you could do it. Now you just need to keep your magic flow steady”, Kai remarked encouragingly.

See, everything’s fine.

A light flashed past the shelf between them. “Oh, oops, didn’t mean to do this. Wait”, Beomgyu said.

“It’s okay, you’re just nervous. But you don’t need to be, take a deep breath and focus.”

Taehyun had subconsciously jumped up from his chair and was now standing like frozen, his eyes glued to the gap between the shelfs that connected his area to theirs. The light suddenly grew brighter, and he had to squeeze his eyes against it.

“Are you sure you want to do multiple already?”

“I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what happened, I just tried to stabilize the first one and suddenly there were three.” Maybe Taehyun was projecting, but he thought he could hear a tinge of panic in Beomgyu’s voice. The light started to flicker, slowly at first but growing more rapid by the second.

“Uh, Beomgyu, maybe we should stop here for now and calm down for a second”, Kai suggested carefully.

But Taehyun hadn’t been projecting, Beomgyu was panicking. “I’m not doing anything, why won’t they stop? Tell me how to stop.”

Not fine.

“Just cut the magic flow. Oh, watch out, don’t let them get to close to you. Beomgyu, I said don’t—”

One second, Taehyun remembered he was still standing behind the shelf, blood rushing in his ears and feet frozen in place. The next second, he was suddenly standing in front of Beomgyu and Kai, distorted orbs of rapidly flickering light in the air between them. Before he could think, muscle memory took over his hands— he must have dropped the book somewhen somehow— and his fingers danced though the air. He didn’t think about the right characters, they just came to him and took effect without his lips ever moving.

As electrifying magic rushed through his veins, the lights suddenly stopped flickering in the blink of an eye, condensing into small, glowing orbs like tiny stars speckling the air. For a second, he just stared at them, expecting them to flicker again as his control slipped away, too. But it didn’t. His magic flow was perfectly steady without him having to pay too much mind to it, almost like breathing, as the orbs glowed faintly, obedient. Magic tingled in his body, a feeling he hadn’t felt in months and that still felt like—

Home.

It was silent as he finally tore his attention from the lights, as if the world was holding its breath. Both Beomgyu and Kai were staring at him with eyes as wide as saucers, so many emotions at once swirling in their depths— astonishment, confusion but also admiration.

Beomgyu was the first to break from his rigidity; he stumbled a step backwards in a kind of delayed reaction and stammered in disbelief: “Taehyun? What— how did you—?”

“That was perfect”, Kai blurted out before he quickly snapped his mouth shut as if he’d said something inappropriate.

Taehyun really didn’t know what to say, but a part of him swelled with pride at the praise. Of course, his execution was perfect, he had spent almost his whole life honing his skills. So many hours and hours of practice.

“Where did you even come from?”, Beomgyu asked, finally able to string a whole sentence together again.

“Right, you just popped out of thin air? Don’t tell me you teleported.”

Beomgyu huffed. “Be serious Kai, nobody in their right mind would teleport anywhere without a very good reason.”

“I know, but then how—“

“I was just in the area”, Taehyun quickly interrupted them. It wasn’t exactly a lie.

“Oh”, Kai said, blinking. “That does make a lot more sense.”

Taehyun shifted uncomfortably under their gazes. Now that the rush he had been caught in was fading, he became all too aware of what he had just done.

“Sooo,” Beomgyu began cautiously, taking a few steps toward him. “Did you stabilize the orbs?”

Taehyun hesitated for a second, then answered, “Yes, that was me.”

“And you’re still controlling them?”

“Uh… yeah.”

Even though he had completely forgotten about it for a moment, the magic had continued to flow from his body—slow and steady, as if it had a will of its own.

He noticed Kai staring at him and shot him a questioning look.

“You didn’t even say the spell out loud, did you?” Kai finally said, and the surprise in his voice slowly gave way to admiration.

Taehyun just nodded silently.

“But only people who have completely mastered the spell can do that,” Beomgyu said, his eyes widening again.

This time, Taehyun didn’t even nod. He just blinked at Beomgyu. Then, something shifted in the other boy’s eyes, as if a puzzle piece had finally found its place. At this point, Taehyun was simply overwhelmed by the whole situation, wondering why he hadn’t just stayed hidden in his corner.

But it hadn’t been an entirely conscious choice, had it? And now, he felt so exposed, as if he had been stripped bare in front of them.

“Ok, let’s all take a deep breath for a second, sit down, and then we can talk”, Kai gently suggested, apparently able to sense the atmosphere just right. “You might want to end the spell now, Taehyun.”

“Oh, right.” With a small flick of his fingers, the orbs dimmed, then blinked out of existence entirely. The lingering warmth of magic in his veins faded with them, leaving behind an odd hollowness. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

Kai gave a satisfied nod and gestured for them to sit, and Taehyun followed stiffly, still feeling lightheaded. He barely registered the solid weight of the chair beneath him as he sat down across from Beomgyu and Kai, who were both watching him like he’d just performed a miracle.

“Now,” Kai said, leaning forward with undisguised curiosity. “I do need to ask. How on earth are you able to execute that spell so perfectly?”

Practice, was the first thing to pop into Taehyun’s mind, because it was just that. But he knew that Kai wasn’t looking for the obvious answer here, but an underlying one. How was his control over magic this good at his age and what more was he able to do?

He wasn’t ready to fully answer that question yet; too painful the memories that remained connected to that part of his life. Nevertheless, he wanted to give them some kind of answer, even if it wasn’t the full story.

“It’s a good spell to practice stable magic flow, so I just did it a lot.” And I wanted so badly to see my sister smile at the tiny stars.

“That’s true, that’s why we were giving it a go”, Kai agreed, and if he had any suspicions about Taehyun holding back in his answer, he didn’t let it show. “But I have to admit I’m not too great at it myself. Maybe we should have done something else.”

Beomgyu let out a dramatic groan, rubbing his face. “Could have told me that before we just went for it.”

Kai winced. “Sorry, when I did it the first time it just flickered a lot and disappeared, so I didn’t think—“

“Next time we should remember that I’m horrible at this and shouldn’t be allowed to actually perform any spells if not for an extensive period of practice beforehand”, Beomgyu deadpanned.

Scratching the back of his head, Kai gave him a tiny smirk, “You definitely are underestimating yourself, but yeah, we should take it slower. Sorry again.”

“It’s fine, you couldn’t have known. I didn’t expect it to be like this either.” Beomgyu bit his lip and his gaze wandered towards the place where the orbs had been just minutes ago.

A small silence settled over them again, but this time, it wasn’t tense. It wasn’t heavy.

It was Kai who broke it.

“You know,” he started, tapping a finger against the table, “you should really join our tutoring sessions, Taehyun. You clearly know more about this than we do.”

Taehyun blinked at him. “What?”

“You just saved Beomgyu from lighting himself on fire,” Kai pointed out with a grin. “And you stabilized the spell faster than I think even our teachers could. You obviously have a lot of knowledge. You could help us.”

Help them.

It stirred something in him.

Taehyun opened his mouth, ready to say no, but the word stuck in his throat. He thought about how it had felt—magic surging through him, bending to his will with practiced ease. How, for just a brief moment, he had felt like himself again.

But the scars of the past still clung to him, whispering that it was dangerous, that he shouldn’t let himself want this.

He hesitated.

“I— I don’t know.”

It was Beomgyu who gently cut in before Kai could say anything more. “You really don’t have to if you don’t want to. We won't be mad if you say no. But… you really helped me a lot today and you’d be a real lifesaver if you’d join us.”

Lifesaver. If only Beomgyu knew that Taehyun was the exact opposite of that. That his experiments with magic, even if always well-intentioned, had already destroyed lives. However, something in him had come alive when he had performed the spell; he’d finally felt alive again. And after all, he just wanted to give back to them so badly for their kindness. Wasn’t this his chance?

Just like when he’d allowed himself to smile in their company— not for himself but for them— it would be fine if he helped them, right? If he did it for them and not for himself.

Taehyun exhaled, slow and measured.

“Fine,” he murmured, the word slipping out before he could stop it.

Kai’s face immediately lit up, but Beomgyu, perceptive as ever, hesitated for a second longer, his gaze searching.

“Are you sure?” Beomgyu asked, his voice softer now, as if he could sense the war still raging inside of Taehyun.

Taehyun hesitated for just a fraction of a second before nodding. “Yeah.” His voice didn’t waver. “I want to help.”

Not for himself.

Not because he missed it.

Not because magic had always been the only thing that had ever made sense to him.

For them. Only for them.

Beomgyu’s lips curled into a small, genuine smile. “Then welcome to study hell. I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

Kai snorted. “Hey, I’m an excellent teacher.”

Beomgyu gave him an unimpressed look. “Tell that to my inability to keep a single spell stable.”

Kai rolled his eyes, but there was laughter on his lips, light and unburdened, and Taehyun realised with quiet surprise that some of the tension in his own chest had unraveled too.

It wasn’t much.

It didn’t erase the past.

It didn’t silence the ghosts.

But it was something.

And maybe if he told himself that enough, he would start to believe it.

“Mr Kang, good to see you again. Please, take a seat.”

“Good afternoon, Mr Cha”, Taehyun responded. He carefully closed the heavy door and stepped further into the small, cramped room to take a seat at the cushioned chair once again.

“Another month has already passed since our last meeting”, Mr Cha began without further ado. His gaze behind the horn-rimmed glasses was just as piercing as always, but it wasn’t quite as intimidating anymore. After all, this was already the third time Taehyun was sitting on this particular chair.

“Time flies”, Taehyun simply replied.

His teacher nodded. “It’s a mysterious thing.” Then, he leaned forward in his chair, as he always did when he was about to say something important

“As you may very well remember, I was quite pleased about your development in attendance last time. So much so that I postponed my decision regarding your place at this institution for another month. I could see that you were adamant in staying with us and I had to commend your efforts.”

Their last meeting had been something that Taehyun had dreaded the closer it came. His hands had been cold and sweaty when he entered the room, his fingers nervous and his brain trying to keep hold of the words he had carefully laid out. Words he could use to once again make a plea for his stay here.

But to his surprise, he didn’t need to say anything at all. Mr Cha had indeed showed himself pleased, quite an unfamiliar expression on that otherwise tightly kept face. Still, he had told him it wasn’t quite enough to just be there. After all, this was a place of learning and not just a refuge for battered souls— he hadn’t worded it like that, of course. But Taehyun had been given more time. And even though back then he had not even the hint of an idea how much would change during that month, he had almost confidently taken Mr Cha’s outstretched hand once again.

“I think I made the right decision”, Mr Cha now continued. “I have to admit, Mr Kang, I was already quite impressed the last time. However, you managed to impress me even further during the past month. Not only did you have excellent attendance but I also noticed that you were participating in group practice.” He peered at Taehyun, elbows on the table and clasped hands resting in front of his chin. There was indeed an impressed glimmer in his eyes.

“Thank you for giving me another opportunity, Sir.” Taehyun didn’t feel like ‘thank you’ was quite enough to express how much it meant to him that this man, that appeared so cold an unapproachable on the outside, so stiff and unshakeable, had given him a fair chance to try. Not once, but twice. He hadn’t just been lenient; Taehyun was now sure that his teacher had wanted him to succeed.

He had to say more than just that. “I appreciate that you had faith in me even though I didn’t. Sure, I asked you to stay and I said I would try, but to be frank I didn’t really believe it would be possible. I still can’t quite believe it.” Taehyun was too well aware that it was all just thanks to Beomgyu and Soobin, but he didn’t voice that. Sometimes it all felt like a distant dream that he would wake up from every second or that would turn into a nightmare as so many did.

Mr Cha lowered his hands and leaned back in his chair, his gaze growing almost imperceptibly softer. “I still have faith in you, Mr Kang. I don’t think this is your journey’s end but it’s beginning. I see your potential, no matter how buried it is, and it would be a shame for the world to lose such a bright young man as you. That’s why I gave you a chance, nothing more and nothing less.”

Taehyun stared at him for a second too long before he remembered to blink again. He didn’t understand what people still saw in him and why so many decided to believe in him, to help him. He still felt unworthy of their trust and he had to force himself once again to not protest against it— even if every cell in his body wanted to crawl back into the darkness part of him still believed he belonged.

“I’ll keep my eye on you”, Mr Cha cut into his thoughts. When Taehyun met his eyes again, they still weren’t quite as sharp as usual. “That is not a threat, but a promise your mother made me give in her last letter— don’t look so shocked, Mr Kang, of course she’s regularly inquiring about your current state.”

Again, Taehyun had forgotten to control his expression when the topic turned to his mother. With a pang of guilt he realised that he hadn’t really thought about her in a while. Of course, he had never written her letters because he couldn’t send them without magic. But also, he’d never know what he should even tell her.

Hi mom, I’m still in agony every day and I wish I would have died instead. But you already know that, because it’s me that causes you never ending pain, so I’m trying my best to rid you of me without hurting you further.

There was no point in telling her, he knew she was aware of the reason he left. But that was how it had been. Now— it was different, wasn’t it? Now he had things he could tell her that wouldn’t hurt her even more. And now that he’d used magic anyway…

“I think that is everything for now, Mr Kang.” Mr Cha really was an expert in interrupting his thoughts. “I don’t believe another appointment is necessary. I’ll see you in class as usual.”

And that was that. He was excused. He had been granted the right to stay. Slowly, he raised from his chair and bowed to his teacher before he turned around to leave. Just as he was about to step out of the room, Mr Ca raised his voice once again,

“One last peace of advice; keep a firm hold on your friends. People like that are those that you encounter once in a lifetime. Always remember that, Taehyun.”

Chapter Text

He was staring, Beomgyu knew that. He also knew that he should stop.

But he just couldn’t help himself.

How else was he supposed to react when someone suddenly changed so drastically? From one day to the other. And Taehyun had definitely changed since the day in the library two days ago. It seemed almost as if something within him had finally been set free. Because here he was, in their tutoring session, discussing magic with Kai. 

Sure, he had agreed to joining their sessions, but the way he had hesitated the other day, Beomgyu hadn’t been sure whether he would actually stick to that. They hadn’t wanted to pressure him. If Taehyun had told them he didn’t want to after all or just hadn’t turned up, they would have completely understood.

However, already on the next day after the library incident— how Beomgyu liked to call it— it became clear to him that they had to once again correct what they thought they knew.

He would never forget the look on Soobin’s face when Taehyun had interrupted him during the lesson yesterday, correcting his— honestly horrible— spell pronunciation. That look of utter shock would have made Beomgyu burst into a fit of laughter for minutes, hadn’t he himself been busy staring at Taehyun. He continued to stare every time Taehyun involved himself in their practice during the entire day, never casting another spell himself, but directing their spell casting from the sidelines.

And since then, he hadn’t really stopped staring.

“What the hell happened?”, Soobin had asked him with a bewildered expression after the lesson and although Beomgyu told him what had happened in the library with the light orbs, he wished he knew the answer to that question himself.

Beomgyu had long suspected Taehyun’s refusal to participate in class was tied to his trauma, whatever it was. Sure, when they first met, he hadn’t even looked like he existed in the same reality as them. He barely paid attention to anything at all. But the more Beomgyu thought about it, the more convinced he was that in its core it all had something to do with magic. The same way his own hesitance in class was tied to his struggles with Time itself. He wasn’t sure how exactly he came to that suspicion; maybe because of the odd feeling of familiarity he had felt since their first meeting.

That seemed to be somewhat in the past now, however.

"Okay, okay, I get it now I think", Kai said, leaning back in his chair. "But how do we get Beomgyu there?"

Hearing his own name suddenly pulled Beomgyu out of his thoughts and into the conversation he had tuned out of however many minutes ago. His eyes momentarily flicked over to Kai, who was biting his lip in thought, before he looked at Taehyun again.

Taehyun thought for a second, his fingers mindlessly drumming on the table. "I had a book with exercises that really helped me in the beginning", he then said. "Not the one you know from school, I don't really like that one. It's just not motivating. I'll ask if they have the one I mean here later. But the exercise is simple enough, I don’t think we’ll need it. You want to try?"

It slowly dawned on Beomgyu that he had missed the entire previous explanation regarding how the light orb spell worked. They seemed to have already moved past that. He wasn't sure if he should regret it, though, because he wasn't interested in the theory and much rather liked to finally get to practice. Also, he had used that time for something much more intriguing— trying to make sense of Taehyun.

However, the word exercise piqued his interest again.

"Of course I want to try", he therefore replied, eyes still resting on Taehyun, but now he had a very valid reason.

Kai nodded. "Can’t hurt, right?"

“It's really simple. You just cast a spell and as soon as you feel the magic activating within you, you try to hold it back. Don't force it too much. If it becomes uncomfortable just end the spell because otherwise it will burst out of you."

"Huh", Beomgyu said. "That does sound simple."

"I think my tutor did something similar with me a few years ago. But it's kinda hard to hold back magic. Are you sure this is a good idea, Taehyun? You saw how much he struggled to end the spell last time", Kai pointed out and threw an apologetic look in Beomgyu's direction when he saw him pout.

"It can be challenging at first, but I think it’s a good exercise to get better control of your magic instead of it controlling you. And from where I was standing, it looked like Beomgyu just panicked. But you know how to end spells, right?”, Taehyun argued with a glance in Beomgyu’s direction.

Beomgyu was busy wondering how the hell they even got to this point so fast; how Taehyun just suddenly sat with them all casual and talking about magic. Actively involving himself. Participating in class instead of just watching.

And it hadn't even been part of their plan. He still didn't know where Taehyun had even come from that day, before he had just appeared beside them. Beomgyu had tried to ask, but Taehyun had avoided the question by quickly changing the topic, so he hadn't asked again.

“Beomgyu?”, Kai said, waving a hand before his eyes. “Are you still with us?”

“What? Sorry, what was the question?” He really needed to stop drifting off. And he should also stop staring. Why was that so hard?

Kai just chuckled lightly, not even bothered a bit that Beomgyu hadn’t really listened. Maybe at this point he was kinda used to Beomgyu sometimes being in his own world. “Taehyun just said that you just panicked the day before yesterday, but you do know how to end spells like that, right?”

“Obviously I do.” Every child knew that. But it had been somewhat of a rhetorical question anyway, he knew that as well. “I would really like to do that exercise. I’m just wondering… if I hold the spell back, I’m not actually using any Time, do I?”

“You won’t “, Kai confirmed with a light nod.

Perfect.

“Okay, let’s do this, then”, Beomgyu agreed.

Although it had been Taehyun’s idea, Kai naturally took the lead in patiently guiding Beomgyu through the exercise while Taehyun threw in small suggestions and corrections every now and then. It was like a mutual understanding that they wouldn’t demand too much of Taehyun. Both of them didn’t yet fully trust this change.

Also, Taehyun basically handed it to Kai. “You’re the tutor, not me.”

While watching and thinking about him an awful lot the past days, Beomgyu had come to the conclusion that the huge amount of Time Taehyun had, didn’t come from generational wealth of his family, but that he had earned it all by himself. Which was honestly so impressive that Beomgyu didn’t even know how to put that together with that withdrawn person, who appeared to have no interest in magic whatsoever, he had met Taehyun as.

But the more time passed, the more he thought he could see glimpses of the person Taehyun really was— and it intrigued him just as much as before, if not even more, now that he had gotten a taste. Now, he could see that glimmer in his eyes, this spark, when he talked about magic.

It was this exact spark that made him so sure that this boy really was just a major nerd who had spent years of his life studying and practicing magic. The way he talked about the inner workings of it were sign of how deep his knowledge must run. It was just the tip of the iceberg compared to someone like Mr. Cha or even Madam Kwon, who cast spells with such an ease as if it were breathing. Still, Taehyun’s brain had to be stuffed to the brim with knowledge about magic, and Beomgyu wanted nothing more than to squeeze him dry for it.

But in the same breath, it made him wonder if he was simply not doing enough. Taehyun was proof that it was possible to have that much Time at their age. And in his condition, shouldn’t Beomgyu be the one to have knowledge beyond what was considered normal? Shouldn’t he be the one dedicating his life to studying? When his life depended on it?

Yet, he was the one who had to once again rely on others to help him.

Yes, he had spent more time practicing magic than his peers at school. But he had never been too much into studying and usually spent considerable time trying to perfect simple spells that he had to cast often like elemental magic to diminish their Time consumption. He hadn’t ever ventured too far ahead of class— also due to the fact that his mental state and insomnia started to keep him from class more often over the years.

Somehow, he was always behind, no matter what he did.

Even now, as he watched Taehyun grinning at a silly joke Kai had made, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he, once again, was the one falling behind.

No matter how happy it made him to see Taehyun’s development— how he slowly found his smile again and the spark returned to his eyes; gradually gaining back his life— Beomgyu couldn’t shake the thought that he couldn’t keep up. That he never would.

He wouldn’t get better. Not really.

Although over the last couple of months his insomnia had gotten better and overall, he spent so many happy moments with his friends without thinking about his illness once, it wasn’t real.

If he was being honest to himself, he was just shoving all of his problems away, ignoring them, hiding them away.

Beomgyu let out a slow breath, fingers curling around the edge of the table as he forced his thoughts to quiet down. He needed to focus.

“You good?” Taehyun’s voice pulled him back. It wasn’t loud, but something about the way he said it, steady, laced with quiet curiosity, made Beomgyu’s stomach twist.

“Huh? Yeah, obviously.” He flashed a quick grin, leaning back in his chair. “Just thinking.”

Kai huffed a laugh. “You’ve been thinking an awful lot today.”

“Well, someone has to do it.” Beomgyu shot back without missing a beat, earning a chuckle from Kai.

Taehyun didn’t laugh, though. He just tilted his head slightly, watching him for a second longer before looking away. As if he knew something wasn’t right.

Beomgyu ignored the way it made his heart drop.

Instead, he cast the spell again and when his magic came alive, he tried once again to hold it back like he had so many times over the past hour and only ever managed to do it for a few seconds before he felt it slip.

This time, however, he was weirdly determined to do it. Maybe to prove to his friends that he was in fact fine.

And this time, it worked.

At least I can do that.

Beomgyu couldn’t sleep. He’d been laying in his bed for hours now, throwing himself from one side to the other relentlessly. Yet, sleep refused to pull him into its embrace. As usual, just too many thoughts clouded his head, spinning around and keeping him from drifting off.

Every day he tried his best to push them away— usually, he succeeded. It had become easier whenever he was among his friends. Like their presence drowned them out, laid itself over those thoughts like a blanket and putting them to sleep. And every time he left, his friends took the blanket along with them and slowly, all those thoughts, all this anxiety slowly awoke from its slumber. When it became time for Beomgyu to go to bed, they were at their height, screaming louder as usual, as if they had gained more power during their rest.

Tonight, Beomgyu thought about Taehyun. About his change, about the long way he had already come and the way that lay in front of him. No matter how good it made Beomgyu feel that he was part of the reason Taehyun had been able to walk that way, and no matter how much he wanted to remain part of that path, there was a new feeling rising inside his chest.

Envy.

He didn’t envy Taehyun’s situation and his past— whatever it was, he knew he never wanted to experience it.

No. He envied the path that lay in front of Taehyun. Because it was one that lead forward and one that would become prettier the further he went. Now, it may still seem rocky and scarce, but Taehyun could always hope for it to become smoother and the surroundings to become beautiful. And there was a good chance that someday it would be just that, even if there may remain rocks on the road.

Beomgyu’s path however— Beomgyu’s path would never look like this. He knew that the further he walked, the closer he got to the end. Only, that he didn’t know when that end would come, just that it was close; so every step felt like it could be his last. He didn’t step forward with hope, he walked in fear. And there was nothing that could change that.

So, yes, he envied Taehyun.

However, that wasn’t the only thing that left him sleepless.

Beomgyu dreaded the day that his illness would get worse again. He should be glad that for months it had now remained stable and not a single sign of a relapse had ever occurred. But with every passing day where everything remained just the same, he continuously grew more scared about the next. After all, he knew that another relapse would come— and the longer it took, the closer it felt.

He knew he needed to break out of this spiral, Beomgyu had been trapped in it way too many times before. But no matter how many times it happened, it didn’t get easier to fight. Nevertheless, he knew where it would lead.

That he would start to use every free second to practice spells to fill his Time and start to not only carry his Timekeeper everywhere, but never even letting it out of his firm grip. He would slowly stop going to class because there, he could sometimes not avoid casting spells. And then he would stop leaving his room, lock himself in, so he couldn’t get in any situations at all that would force him to use magic. He would avoid anything that he had ever done before a relapse in fear it could trigger it.

At this point he should know that it was unavoidable, because no matter what he did, it happened anyways. Whether he locked himself in or not. So, why was it still so hard to fight?

Beomgyu still remembered the first relapse he’d ever had.

He’d been six years old and just started his first year at school. Finally, he got to learn all about magic and practice all those exciting elemental spells. Sadly smiling to himself, he thought about how proud he had been when he’d gotten his first watch and watched the clock hands slowly wander across the dial with every lesson. How proud he had been of his first full day of Time.

Until one day, the hands suddenly went into the other direction while he was simply playing with his friends. At first, he hadn’t noticed. However, kids liked to brag about their Time and compare it among each other, even when everyone knew that the quiet nerds that nobody liked had the most. But they didn’t count. So, he just happened to show his watch to his friends that day.

“Look, I have almost three days!”, he had bragged. But to his confusion, his friends had just laughed. “Beomgyu, I think your watch is broken. It’s going backwards!”

Of course, he’d showed it to his parents the second he came home that evening, even though it had stopped at that point, sad that it now only displayed a single day and a handful of minutes and seconds. They, too, thought that it must be broken, because how would one just lose Time without casting magic? And after all, he swore on his dessert that he didn’t use any. They replaced it and for a while, everything was fine. None of them noticed the seconds that occasionally ticked down on Beomgyu’s wrist.

Back then, none of them had known that this was the beginning of years of hardship, uncertainty and fear. Although that day—that first relapse— had been so small and treated insignificantly, although way worse days would follow, it remained etched into Beomgyu’s memory as the moment that changed everything.

When the second relapse hit, they still had no idea what they were dealing with. “What did you do, Beomgyu, honey. Be honest”, his mother had said gently and this time, no matter how much he promised he didn’t do anything, his parents wouldn’t quite believe him. How could they, when there was no other reasonable explanation. So, they got him another new watch.

But it wasn’t too long until the next relapse came, and they slowly started to notice the Time that just disappeared into nothingness, slowly rising from seconds to minutes. No matter how many watches they went through, it didn’t change anything for long.

Finally, almost a year in, after the fourth relapse and Beomgyu starting to lose about half an hour a day without doing anything, they visited a healer. Who told them that the problem had to be the watch and wouldn’t budge even when they insisted that they had already changed it more than once. They didn’t go to that healer again.

The second healer they visited actually made an effort to test Beomgyu on all sorts of things, but when he couldn’t find anything that would confirm any suspicions he might have had, he told them it had to be the watch and sent them home. The third healer managed to diagnose something, but the treatment didn’t do anything besides making Beomgyu incredibly nauseous all the time and then it turned out to be a false diagnosis anyway.

After a couple more healers, Beomgyu stopped counting. No one knew what was happening to him and either they didn’t even try to find out or they just tested all kinds of treatments that did nothing or only gave him side effects. The only thing they knew for sure was that Beomgyu was losing Time, and it got worse and worse with every passing year. And that if he lost it all, there was a possibility he would lose life-time instead. His parents grew more desperate with every visit and every failed attempt, while Beomgyu’s anxiety evolved into a different kind of monster that terrorised him, the fear almost paralysing him at times.

After four years of desperate search, they finally found a healer that at least helped them in some way. So far, whenever Beomgyu’s illness suddenly surged and he lost big chunks of his Time at once— his relapses— they could just watch and hope for it to be over soon. They always tried to counteract by feeding him their Time through a Timekeeper, but soon it got to a point where they started to struggle with the Time they had available themselves.

But that one healer finally helped them.

If only she didn’t make it all only worse shortly after.

The healer suggested a spell to stop Beomgyu’s magic flow during a relapse—almost like freezing it. If it didn’t flow, didn’t move, it also couldn’t escape his body, right? It was only a theory at first, but when it worked at his next relapse, his mother burst into tears while Beomgyu himself didn’t even know what to feel; because maybe he was too surprised he felt anything that wasn’t resignation, disappointment or anxiety.

They should have stopped at this point, he knew that now, but they were too hopeful— perhaps too greedy for more even. When the healer suggested to permanently freeze his magic, although it meant that he wouldn’t be able to use it anymore, they wanted to believe that it was the solution. They needed it to be; what was the alternative? Rather Beomgyu wouldn’t be able to use magic than having to watch him slowly nearing death. And after the healer had helped them so much already— the only one who had actually helped them in all those years— they trusted her.

So, they froze his magic flow. He visited the healer every week to renew the spell, and at first, it seemed to work. They should have been more careful in their excitement, but they weren’t. Of course they weren’t. After everything, they wanted to believe so hard in a working treatment that would finally absolve them of all their struggles. Even Beomgyu let himself get carried away in excitement when he saw that he wasn’t losing Time anymore. It didn’t matter that he also couldn’t gain any.

Until it all came crashing in after a few months. He had never been so close to death like that particular relapse. It was as though the magic forced its way out, violently throwing itself against the chains that held it in place to finally break free again. After that, losing life-time wasn’t only a theory. Beomgyu had never been so scared in his entire life.

Even now, years later, he still started to shake as he remembered it, gripping the soft blanket underneath to ground himself. Usually, he tried to avoid thinking about that moment. He would never forget the unfamiliar horror in his father’s face— a man whose smile belonged as much on his face as his eyes, even in the most difficult situations. His father was the most optimistic person Beomgyu knew, but never in a forced way. Seeing that optimism slowly fade from his face after that—

They never went to another healer after that.

A muffled scream cut through the quiet in Beomgyu’s room. He shot upright in bed, heart stumbling in his chest. What the—?

CRASH.

Something smashed on the floor. Glass? It sounded dull, like something heavy had been dropped and shattered on the floor, muted by the doors and walls between them.

For a second, Beomgyu couldn’t move. His mind scrambled to catch up, piecing together fragments of understanding, but the adrenaline had already kicked in, dragging his body out from the bed before he was fully conscious of the choice. His bare feet hit the cold floor as he crossed the room in three quick strides. A quick glance to the clock on his bedside table in passing told him it was 3am. Beomgyu pressed his ear against the cool wood of the door. At first, he didn’t hear anything besides his own blood rushing, and wondered if he’d been so deep in his own memories that he’d imagined the scream. After a few seconds however, he thought he could hear something. Very faintly, barely noticeable and if he wasn’t so closely pressed to the door that he almost melted into it, then he would have never heard it. Even then, he wasn’t entirely sure if he actually heard it or was just making it up in his head.

Quickly, he slipped out of his room onto the dark hallway. Silvery moonlight fell through the arched windows, painting shapes of curves and rectangles onto the floor. It was eerily silent, the calm only disturbed by Beomgyu’s own breathing.

So I really imagined it, huh, he thought. I’m probably just tired.

As he was about to return to his room and try to sleep once again, there was a faint sob, no louder than a normal speaking voice and yet it pierced through the silence the same way the scream had.

Abruptly stopping in his motion, hand raised to grab gold of the door handle, Beomgyu slowly turned his head towards the source of the noise. His eyes found the door just across the hall from his own, maybe four steps away, the room with the number 304.

Taehyun’s room.

As soon as that realisation hit his tired brain, he crossed the distance in two big strides before another thought even had time to form. Should he just go in? But what if Taehyun would rather be left alone? What if he didn’t need any help and Beomgyu would just put his nose into something he shouldn’t, potentially making it incredibly uncomfortable for both of them? He decided to knock.

“Taehyun? It’s me, Beomgyu. I heard a noise, is everything alright?”

There was no answer.

Now that he was leaning closer to the door, however, he could hear choked sobbing, like someone desperately ringing for air. Panic attack. He was all too familiar with them.

Well, then, fuck it.

A second after, he had already barged in and was met by darkness as soon as he stepped through the door. Only a slim ray of silvery moonlight forced its way through a tear in the otherwise closed curtains. Beomgyu’s eyes took a moment to adjust to the lighting conditions, and then another to find the bed that was on the other side of the room from what he was used to. The layout was the same, only mirrored.

When he finally found it, a small trembling silhouette was curled into itself on the bed. The blanket had been thrown down on the floor. Next to it were the remains of an oil lamp, shattered pieces of glass scattered almost all the way to the door and the leaking oil that formed into a small puddle gleaming in the moonlight. That would explain the crash.

“Taehyun”, he again asked carefully. He would leave immediately if Taehyun wanted him to. But there was no answer again and Beomgyu wasn’t even sure if he had even noticed that someone entered the room. Then, another gasp for air wiped all the remaining reserves from Beomgyu’s head. His instinct took over and he rushed to the bedside next to the desk, as the other side was full of glass shards, door slamming shut behind him and sank down on the hard floor. The only thing he could think of was to ease Taehyun’s pain.

“Taehyun, hey, it’s me, Beomgyu.”

At first, he wasn’t sure if Taehyun was able to hear him, but then he choked out between two laboured breaths: “Beom… gyu…?” He seemed disoriented, his eyes not quite able to focus in the darkness, wandering around as if searching something to hold onto.

“Yes, Beomgyu. I’m here”, Beomgyu reaffirmed. “I heard something and wanted to check on you. I can leave again if you want.”

Taehyun winced. It sounded like a wounded animal. “N— no. Don’t. Don’t…. go.”

“I won’t.” He tried to sound reassuring, but he couldn’t quite fight the helplessness that crept up in his guts. Although he’d had his fair share of moments like this himself, he’d never have to deal with calming down someone else. What had his parents always done?

“Do you know where you are, Taehyun?” It was the first thing he came up with.

Taehyun’s mouth opened slightly, but no words came out. His chest heaved, his fingers twitching like he wanted to grasp onto something, anything. Beomgyu waited, but silence stretched between them. Only Taehyun’s eyes that were open so wide that they appeared too big for his face darted around the room once more. That was answer enough for Beomgyu.

“You’re in your dorm room at campus. It’s in the middle of the night, that’s why its dark.” After a second he added gently, “You’re safe here.” 

Those last words seemed to calm Taehyun at least a bit, his breathing was still ragged, but his gaze lost some of its panic, shifting into something distant.

Beomgyu wasn’t sure how long he just sat there, cross-legged on the cold floor, trying not to let his helplessness show while Taehyun remained curled into himself, struggling to drag each breath. Probably not longer than a couple of breaths, but it felt endless. He had no idea what to do. All he knew was that he had to keep talking, to keep his presence steady, solid— something for Taehyun to hold onto.

“You’re safe here,” Beomgyu repeated, voice softer this time. His fingers curled into the fabric of his pajama pants, his own pulse racing as if it was trying to keep up with Taehyun’s. “It’s just me. It’s just us.”

Taehyun squeezed his eyes shut. His hands, trembling in his lap, twitched again like they wanted to grab something, but he kept them clenched into fists. Beomgyu hesitated, then, slowly, he reached out his own hand and placed it on the mattress close to Taehyun’s searching hand, palm up. An offer. And Taehyun took it without hesitation, his fingers curling around with desperation, skin a bit too cold. His grip grew tight as a vise around Beomgyu’s fingers, so tight that Beomgyu could feel his knuckles being squeezed together until it almost hurt. But he didn’t mind.

“Hey,” he murmured cautiously. “Breathe with me, okay? In through the nose.” He exaggerated his own inhale, hoping Taehyun would follow. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then, barely perceptible, Taehyun sucked in a shaky breath, though it hitched halfway through.

“Good, now out through the mouth.”

Taehyun’s exhale was uneven, still edged with panic, but Beomgyu counted it as a win.

“Again”, he prompted, still keeping his voice low, steady. “No rush.”

This time, the inhale came a little smoother. The exhale, a little less shaky.

“You’re doing great, Taehyun. Follow my breath.” A couple of minutes passed where it was silent save for their shared breathing, in and out, until Taehyun’s breathe slowly became one with Beomgyu’s. Steadier. 

“…Sorry,” Taehyun suddenly rasped. His voice was raw, barely there, like he’d been screaming for hours instead of seconds.

Beomgyu’s chest squeezed. “Don’t be.”

A beat of silence stretched between them. Beomgyu didn’t fill it. He just let Taehyun sit in the quiet, let him breathe. Finally, Taehyun shifted, untangling his limbs enough to sit up properly, his hand unclamping around Beomgyu’s but not quite letting go. The moonlight caught on his face, highlighting the sheen of sweat on his forehead, the dark circles under his eyes.

“It was a nightmare”, Taehyun said into the silence, unprompted, but the question must’ve been written on Beomgyu’s face. With a hard swallow, Taehyun averted his eyes, gaze flickering towards the side where the shattered remains of the oil lamp lay scattered on the floor.

“Did I—?”

“Yeah”, Beomgyu said. “I think the blanket is at fault.”

“Right”, Taehyun answered, and his throat bobbed as he swallowed. Something in his expression had changed. He looked… lost, almost. Beomgyu had seen that look before—on himself, in the mirror, after waking up from nightmares he couldn’t quite piece together.

“You wanna talk about it?” Beomgyu asked carefully.

Taehyun’s jaw tightened. “No.”

Beomgyu nodded like he expected that answer, because he kind of did. “Okay.”

Another pause. The air between them felt fragile, stretched thin, like a thread pulled too tight. Beomgyu knew better than to push, but he also knew what it felt like to be alone with something too heavy to carry. But some people were rather left alone with their thoughts.

“Do you want me to leave?”, he asked, voice still soft and cautious.

Taehyun’s gaze snapped back to Beomgyu’s face, letting go of the glass shards on the floor, and his grip on Beomgyu’s hand almost imperceptibly tightened again. Beomgyu had already forgotten he was still holding onto him.

“No”, he simply said, but then something vulnerable settled into his expression, eyes drifting off once again. His lips parted like he was about to say something, but he hesitated, his jaw tightening, then loosening again.

His voice, when it finally came, was small. “Can… can you stay a bit longer?”

Beomgyu knew very well he had asked, but honestly, he hadn’t expected that answer— not like that, not after Taehyun had spent weeks pushing them away and still wouldn’t let them in entirely. That open vulnerability left him dazed; he just blinked into the darkness, words catching somewhere in his throat, and even his thought seeming to scatter.

“Of course I can stay”, he heard himself say, his voice quieter than usual. Thankfully at least some part of his brain was still functioning. He blinked a few times to snap himself out of his stupor. Suddenly he was all too aware of Taehyun’s hand around his, warmer now than before.

“Let us clean up the oil lamp before one of us steps on it”, Beomgyu said quickly, jumping to his feet a little too fast, pulling his hand away. He didn’t know what to do with the sudden weight pressing against his chest, so he focused on the shards instead.

“It’s my mess, I should clean it up”, Taehyun murmured, shifting as if to stand. His limbs unfurled slowly, like it took effort.

“No no, it’s alright, I got it. We can’t have you cutting yourself.”

“But—”

“Let me do it”, Beomgyu interrupted him gently. Taehyun looked unsure, but remained where he was, just watching Beomgyu carefully clean up the shards, only directing him to the trash bin or towards some paper to soak up the spilled oil. He didn’t comment on Beomgyu not using any magic, although it would have been way easier and faster. But he figured Taehyun was simply still too out of it to think about that.

Taehyun looked exhausted, the dark circles under his big eyes in stark contrast to his skin that was even paler than usual. And suddenly, Beomgyu became aware of his own exhaustion; it crushed into him like a wave, as if it had just been waiting for him to notice it to come in at full force. All of a sudden, his eyelids felt so heavy he had to force them to stay open and when he slumped down on the brink of the bed next to Taehyun after cleaning the residue oil from his hands, he felt like it would be hard to get up again. He just needed a moment, just to catch his breath. He’d get up in a second.

The room was so still now. The broken lamp was gone, the floor clean. The blanket was draped over Taehyun, who lay next to him staring at the ceiling wordlessly, but his breathing finally even. Beomgyu knew this was the right moment to leave, but he was just so tired. His gaze flickered towards the dim sliver of moonlight slipping through the rip in the curtain. Maybe if he closed his eyes for a second— just a second.

When he opened them again, something had changed.

Beomgyu wasn’t sitting on the edge of the bed anymore, he was lying on a soft ground. The light that filtered into the room was no longer silvery dim but golden bright, painting sharper edges in the shadow than before. It had become morning.

But something was still off. He was lying on a bed, but the room felt weirdly wrong. Everything seemed— mirrored. His heart stuttered.

Shit.

With a turn of his head, Beomgyu confirmed his creeping suspicion. Next to him, someone was fast asleep, chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

He’d fallen asleep in Taehyun’s bed.

Beomgyu resisted the urge to jump up immediately, held back only by the fear of waking Taehyun. Instead, he moved as slowly as humanly possible, as if any sudden motion might trigger some kind of unseen alarm. Or worse, an incredibly awkward conversation.

I must have been more tired than I thought, he sighed inwardly. What he needed to do now to fix this was slip out as quietly as possible and never— never— speak of this again.

He reached the door without incident, fingers ghosting over the handle. But just as he was about to turn it, something made him pause.  Slowly, he glanced back.

Taehyun hadn’t moved. His face was relaxed, bathed in the soft glow of the morning light; so different from the tension that usually rested in his expression. For once, he looked peaceful. Beomgyu swallowed. The moment stretched longer than it should have, long enough for him to register just how—

No. Not the time.

He tore his eyes away, trying to ignore the beating of his heart, pushed down the handle and slipped through the doorway as the door clicked shut behind him.

Chapter Text

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Yeonjun. Happy birthday to youuu!”, they sang in unison, and surprisingly, it didn’t sound half as bad as Taehyun had feared.

Yeonjun looked at them with eyes still a bit swollen from sleep, his pink hair sticking in every direction as if a bird had decided to nest in it. He hadn’t looked too happy when he first awoke to them barging into his room and starting to sing, but now he looked rather happy.

“Blow out the candle and make a wish!”, Kai instructed excitedly and nudged Soobin forward, who was holding a small cake decked in cream with strawberries on top and a single blue candle.

“Alright, alright”, Yeonjun said, leaning forward. He blew out the flickering flame with a smirk that turned into a grin when they all started to exaggeratedly clap and cheer like the biggest cheering squad the world had ever seen.

Maybe Taehyun imagined it, but when Yeonjun saw him joining in the cheers, his smile deepened. All of them had gotten quite casually with him, especially since he had started to join Kai’s and Beomgyu’s tutoring sessions two weeks ago. He knew it was he that had changed, and they were just happily adjusting to that, letting him set the pace as always. But the way they interacted with him had gotten less cautious, more— normal? Still, there were sometimes moments when he knew they watched him to see how he reacted to things, and whenever they smiled afterwards, he couldn’t help but smile to himself as well.

They didn’t really stop making a huge fuss over Yeonjun all the way to breakfast and then their classes, Yeonjun just constantly switching between being shy and embarrassed and just beaming from ear to ear as people wished him happy birthday left and right. By the end, there was probably not a single person on campus left that didn’t know it was his birthday today.

“Mission accomplished”, Beomgyu said with a satisfied smirk as they left Kai and Yeonjun to go over to their own classroom.

Their plan didn’t end there. After lunch— where Madame Kwon gave Yeonjun a ridiculous variety of food that they could only barely fit on the table— they packed Kai’s blue sports bag with snacks, drink and towels and grabbed the checkered picnic blanket.

“Where are you taking me?”, Yeonjun asked over and over again, but they just dragged him along, laughing and throwing each other meaningful looks, just to play with him a bit. Taehyun didn’t remember the last time he’d had this much fun doing something entirely silly.

The campus bordered a big birch forest. It wasn’t too thick, the trees stood rather tall and skinny, leaving a lot of light fall between them. A narrow path wound its way between the white trunks.

“Seriously where are we going?”, Yeonjun tried again.

Beomgyu only chuckled. “Somewhere where nobody will hear your screams, of course.”

He didn’t ask again after that.

They walked for about half an hour, then the trees slowly thinned and finally gave way to reveal a lake, water clear and sparkling in the afternoon sun. A slim stretch of sandy beach lined about half of the lake. About twenty meters to their left there was also a small wooden hut, firewood stacked under a narrow shelter.

“Tada!”, Kai exclaimed as soon as they arrived, his arms outstretched like a presenter and a wide grin on his face.

“There’s a lake nearby?! How did I not know that?”, Yeonjun asked in awe. He stepped past them, admiring the view that presented itself to him.

It was truly a beautiful place— quiet and peaceful. Taehyun also had no idea before that it existed, hidden behind the trees. Madame Kwon had been the one to tell them about it after listening in on them debating what to do on Yeonjun’s birthday while they were waiting for Kai and Yeonjun in the cafeteria. Apparently, the lake was officially part of the school grounds and the wooden hut was school property as well, so they were allowed to freely use everything in there, as well as the firewood.

They found a nice spot in the sun on the beach, the sand warmed by the autumn sun. Luckily, the weather was just perfect today, sun shining without a cloud in the sky and a gentle breeze cooling their heated skin. Soobin had brought the picnic blanked that he now spread out with Kai’s help. Taehyun recognised it in seconds. It was the same red checkered one that they had used for Kai’s birthday as well. He remembered that day like it had been yesterday, the memories so crystal clear in his mind like they had been burned in his brain. And yet, it had already been a month since then.

Or only a month? After all, so much had happened since then. For Taehyun at least.

When he thought back to that day— remembering how he lost he’d felt wandering the campus aimlessly, dreading the weekend where he would be all by himself— it seemed so far away. When he remembered the boy who tried so desperately to push everyone away and, in the end, just yearned for that connection deep inside so much that he couldn’t fight it. Seeing that very same blanket now, Taehyun felt a sudden surge of thankfulness towards all his friends— yes, he dared call them that now.

He was thankful they had invited him in and never stopped trying despite everything. He felt as though as long as he held onto their outstretched hands, he could make it out of his misery and leave the pain behind someday. Because now, he wasn’t alone with it anymore. They had welcomed him in their midst on that blanked and he would do everything to show them how grateful he was for that, in any way that he could.

“Taehyun, are you coming?”, Beomgyu called over from the blanket and waved for him to come over. Specks of sun danced over Beomgyu’s skin as he shifted to unwrap some snacks they had brought. As Taehyun settled down opposite of him, his gaze still followed those patches of sunlight. How they caught in his chocolaty hair and illuminated his skin, one of them catching in his eye and revealing the soft shade of autumn leaves against the sun. For a moment, Taehyun thought about how the moonlight had drawn his silhouette the day he’d burst into his room.

Since that night, something between them had changed. They had never lost a single word about it, just the catch of a glimpse on the day after as they entered a silent agreement to not talk about it. Everything was kind of a blur in Taehyun’s memory, and he wasn’t sure what of it he remembered correctly, but he still recalled the softness of Beomgyu’s voice and the warmth of his hand that had seemed like a lifeline to him then. In that moment, he had revealed his most vulnerable side to Beomgyu, and given the choice, he would have never done this. But somehow, he was glad Beomgyu had just burst in and taken the choice from him.

Even though they didn’t talk about it and sometimes a kind of awkwardness settled between them when their gazes met for a moment too long, there was something oddly comforting about knowing that someone was aware of his struggles. In a way, it made him feel even less lonely.

After a while they all finally settled down on the blanket, all a bit crowded because they tried to fit five grown men, a cake and various snacks. Taehyun was tucked between Yeonjun, who had his legs outstretched over the edge of the blanket and upper body twisted towards them, and Kai, who couldn’t help but repeatedly bump his wide shoulders with Taehyun to his left or Beomgyu to his right. “Sorry, guys, there’s not a lot of space on here”, he apologised over and over.

“I think we should organise a second blanket at this point”, Yeonjun chuckled and plopped a grape into his mouth.

“We’ve become one too many for this one”, Soobin agreed, still trying to somehow fit his legs somewhere.

“Are you saying you want Taehyun to leave?”, Beomgyu asked with feigned shock. Taehyun knew this was his time to shine. He dramatically clutched his chest right above his heart, expression pained. Kai next to him giggled and Beomgyu seemed very satisfied with his performance.

“I literally never said that”, Soobin protested without missing a beat.

Yeonjun grinned cheekily. “Sounded like it to me as well.”

Side-eying him with a betrayed glint in his gaze, Soobin retorted: “I’d rather suggest that we kick Beomgyu out. Would be much calmer without him.”

“Much more boring you mean”, Beomgyu laughed. “But why don’t you just leave? You take up the most space here.” He eyed Soobin’s knees that were in an awkward half cross-legged position, just a small shift away from poking Yeonjun and Beomgyu beside him. Poor Beomgyu was really stuck in a danger zone between Kai’s shoulder and Soobin’s knee. Taehyun bit his lip to suppress a chuckle. Somehow, Beomgyu clocked him regardless and sent him a downturned smile. Taehyun grinned.

“I literally brought you all together”, Soobin tried to defend himself, but when they all looked rather unimpressed, he quickly added, “Also, this is my blanket and without me you wouldn’t even have it.”

“Fair point”, Kai nodded. But he should have kept quiet, because with that he was the next victim.

“How about Kai”, Soobin proposed without missing a beat.

“Are we really going through all of us now?”, Yeonjun asked, clearly eying the cake and not too fond of the prospect of this discussion continuing any further. When all their eyes fixated him, he huffed. “Don’t even say a word. It’s my birthday, I’m not going anywhere.”

“How about we get rid of the cake”, Taehyun finally chimed in and earned a grateful look from Yeonjun.

“Great idea”, he beamed. “We’re definitely keeping you.”

They made short work of the cake that turned out to not only have strawberries on top but also layers of strawberry jam inside. It was delicious.

When the last piece of cake disappeared behind Yeonjun’s lips, Beomgyu leaned forward towards him. “Soobin actually made the cake as a present for you.”

As soon as he heard those words, Soobin’s head snapped up, his eyes wide like he’d just been exposed in some way. “Beomgyu!”

“What, I think you did a great job?”, Beomgyu said, innocently smiling. Something was going on here that Taehyun wasn’t aware of, he was sure of that.

But Yeonjun seemed unaware of that; a bright smile had spread over his face and his eyes gleamed. “You made it for me? It was so good, Soobin! You should bake for me more often.”

A hint of redness settled on Soobin’s cheeks. “Madame Kwon helped me”, he said, almost shyly and only carefully meeting Yeonjun’s eyes.

“Still”, Yeonjun said, nudging Soobin’s knee softly. “The cake was even better now that I know it was made with love.”

For a split second, Soobin seemed to freeze before he smiled awkwardly. Beomgyu sighed dramatically.

“Imagine in the end it turns out Soobin only put the strawberries and candle on top so he can say he made it himself”, Kai suddenly said into the silence.

Soobin threw him an indignant look. “What did I even do to you?”

“I’m just saying, as far as I remember, your idea of cooking always used to be… interesting. I want to remind you of noodles that—”

“That was one time!”

“Alright, and what about the stew that you basically dropped the saltshaker into?”, Kai retorted, grinning wider now. Taehyun remembered that the two of them were childhood friends, so of course there were years of teasing material between them.

“I’m going to drown you”, Soobin threatened half-heartedly.

“You can’t even swim.”

“Well”, Yeonjun cut in smoothly, rising to his feet and stretching with a yawn, “You’ll have your chance because that water looks really tempting right now and I’m definitely going in now. Join me?”

“I’m not going in there with him after what he just said”, Kai said, eyeing Soobin but already pushing himself up.

Beomgyu was the next to stand, brushing sand of his shorts just to strip them only moments after and dropping them back on the sand. His shirt followed shortly after and became part of the pile of clothes that had started to form as Yeonjun and Kai undressed as well until all of them were only left with their underwear.

“Last one in the water has to drink a can of beer in one go later”, Beomgyu exclaimed over his shoulder, already running towards the near water.

He was closely followed by Kai, who managed to catch up and tackled him to the side with a loud giggle before he dove right into the glistening water. Yeonjun stopped right were Beomgyu had landed in the sand and was about to get up, just to get playfully shoved by the older boy once again and fall on his ass a second time. Beomgyu threw a big handful of sand in Yeonjun’s direction, but he dodged it easily and ran into the lake with loud laughter.

Meanwhile, Soobin and Taehyun had their own small battle as soon as they’d heard the challenge. A shared glance and they both knew this was a game they were not willing to lose, so both of them shot up in an instant and started adding their clothes on the tangle of clothes, shoes and leftover snacks. They almost finished at the same time, their eyes met again for a second and Taehyun saw the moment Soobin decided to start running. Luckily, Taehyun had always been quite good at running and his reaction time was also not to be underestimated. So, they almost started to sprint at the same time, and although Soobin had longer legs, Taehyun knew he would make it first.

The sand was warm under his feet although he barely touched it, but it didn’t last long until cool water splashed around him, encapsulating his body as he dove in head first. Joy flooded his body as he resurfaced again, and bubbling laughter freed itself from his throat as he took a breath of the warm autumn air.

“Soobin, you lost!”, he called over to the tall boy, who had apparently made it into the lake only seconds after him but hadn’t gone all the way in and was still standing somewhat close to the shore, water only reaching right to his belly. He glared at Taehyun, a hand shielding his eyes from the sun. But it didn’t last long because Kai ambushed him from the side, bringing Soobin to stagger before Kai started to pull him deeper into the lake.

“Hey, you know I can’t sw—”, Soobin called but was interrupted because Beomgyu had arrived as well and started to pull at him in an attempt to make him fall. Water splashed in all directions as they fought and when Yeonjun also joined in, they finally seemed to have a fair chance.

“What the hell did I do to you!”, Taehyun heard Soobin scream before there was another splash of water.

“You literally wanted to drown me first”, Kai laughed, pulling at his leg. Staggering, Soobin tried to grab hold of Yeonjun to steady himself, but Beomgyu seized the opportunity to push his head underwater. When Soobin emerged again, hair dripping and spitting out a mouth full of water they stood around him, breathless and smug, water dripping from their hair and grins stretched wide across their face.

But of course, Soobin couldn’t accept his second defeat just like that and with a smirk started splashing water at the others and another war broke lose, only this time it was everyone against everyone and Taehyun more than happily joined in.

They didn’t leave the water until the sun dipped low behind the trees, painting the lake in gold. Wading out, dripping and breathless, they collapsed onto the sand—chests heaving, eyes bright, laughter still lingering in the warm air.

Taehyun closed his eyes, breathing slowing and let the rays of the downing sun warm his skin where drops of water still dripped into the sand below him. Birds chirped in the trees around and a light breeze made the leaves softly rustle. His cheeks hurt from laughing, and his throat was sore from all the shouting, but Taehyun didn’t mind. His heart felt so full it might burst.

He wished that this moment right now would never end so he could keep on bathing in the joy of it all. Maybe if he kept his eyes closed for just a bit longer, he could make it last just a bit longer and etch that feeling deep into his heart so he could forever savour it.

But as the sun continued to disappear behind the crowns of the forest and the air started to cool, his friends one by one started to get up, pulling towels from Kai’s sports bag to dry the last remains of water before they got dressed again. Taehyun got up reluctantly as well and started to shake sand from his clothes before he put them on. But he knew that he would still find half the beach in them back in his room anyway.

“Anyone here that made a campfire before?”, Kai called over from the shed where he stood next to the piles of firewood, a single log in his left hand and looking very unsure of himself.

Taehyun had in fact made a couple of campfires before in their garden at home, because his mother loved to sit by the fire and tell stories, and his sister liked that there was always something to eat. Her favourite was baked sweet potatoes.

“I can help”, he therefore answered and quickly hurried over before more memories could come up. They selected a stack of logs and carried them over near the blanket then, he sent Kai to pick up some stones and lay them in a circle to contain the fire while Taehyun went towards the forest to collect some tinder. Taehyun skillfully stacked the logs above the tinder amid the stone circle and with a quick gesture of his hand sent a spark flying into the the pile to light it up.

Kai next to him looked rather impressed. “Looks like you really did this quite a bit before.”

“Yeah, I was in charge of fires at home.”

He could see in Kai’s expression that the other boy wanted to press a bit further— after all Taehyun had never mentioned his home to one of them before. But Kai only swallowed down his questions and sat next to him silently for a moment.

“Our fires were always magical”, he then said quietly, staring at the flickering crackling flame but Taehyun wasn’t sure if he was really looking at it.

“Who was maintaining them?”, Taehyun asked. If the fires weren’t real but magically, it meant that someone had to keep them up, because they didn’t feed on wood, but on magic. The advantage was that they could have whichever characteristics the caster wanted— not burning, being cold, being green, maintaining a certain shape.

In response, however, Kai only huffed. “I never thought to ask.”

And just how Kai had known before not to ask further, Taehyun also knew that he shouldn’t in that moment. Kai took a leftover stick to poke at the fire.

“Kids, don’t play with the fire”, Yeonjun’s voice said from behind and when Taehyun turned around to face him, he could see the older boy endearingly smiling down at them. He held out two cans of beer towards them. “Want some?”

“Very much, thank you”, Taehyun said and grabbed one, the cold metal damp with condensed water. They even cooled them.

Soobin and Beomgyu already had their own cans in hand and were talking over by the shed. Beomgyu laughed at something Soobin said and toasted to him before taking a big sip. Curiosity rose in Taehyun.

“What are those two doing over there?”, he asked Yeonjun.

“Bickering as usual. Soobin is trying to get out of his punishment. Drinking the whole can in one go, remember?” He snickered. “He tried to act cute with me earlier. That’s when I knew he was desperate.”

“Shame I missed that”, Kai giggled and threw another glance in their direction. As if Soobin had sensed his gaze, he turned his head to look in their direction pulling his eyebrows together when Kai vigorously gestured for them to come over. But only a moment later the two of them stood next to them by the fire.

“What is it?”, Soobin wanted to know, eying them as if he was already suspecting something.

Yeonjun smiled sweetly. “They said they want to see you drink that can.”

“That race wasn’t even fair, you three started way earlier”, Soobin protested agitatedly. “Of you three Beomgyu was last in the water, so I think he should get the punishment.” He looked between them to see their reactions, but all of them just stared at him, waiting.

“Come on guys it really wasn’t fair.”

Kai snorted. “Just drink the beer, Soobin.”

“Told you”, Beomgyu purred with a snicker and patted Soobin on the back. “Drink up, loser.”

Soobin threw a last pleading look at them, then he sighed heavily. He opened the can with a quiet whiz and lifted it up to his lips. There, he hesitated again as if he was waiting for someone to stop him after all, but Yeonjun just cheered loudly and clapped in response and Taehyun could see the last hope vanish from his eyes. It was just too funny. With some big gulps, Soobin drowned the whole can accompanied by their cheers and although his expression looked rather sour when he was done, Taehyun could see a glint of amusement in his eyes.

It was silly, all of it; but maybe that’s why it felt so safe. Nobody was asking anything of him. Just laughter and firelight.

They calmed down a bit after that, settling around the campfire— Soobin, Yeonjun and Beomgyu on the picnic blanket and Taehyun and Kai next to them in the sand. They had only then noticed that it was quite inconvenient with only one blanket if you want to sit around a fire, so they had played some rock paper scissors to see who had to sit in the sand. Without Yeonjun of course; obviously the birthday boy would sit on the blanket.

Darkness had settled around them and only the fire illuminated their faces as they sipped their beer— Taehyun wasn’t sure if it was his third or fourth, but he started the feel the effect. He felt lighter and laughter erupted from his chest even more easily than before. He didn’t remember when he had last talked that much. Kai had simply mentioned how Taehyun revealed to him and Beomgyu that the book they all hated with a burning passion was in reality incredibly convenient and they had just been too stupid to use it. And suddenly Taehyun started to ramble about book recommendations and integrated spells. He just couldn’t stop himself and although afterwards he was sure that after a while his friends only pretended to listen, nobody stopped him either.

Some seemed to hold their liquor better than others, Beomgyu seemed quite alright, only a light flush on his cheeks, and Kai seemed alright as well, but maybe he was just good at pretending he was alright because sometimes his eyes glazed over before he caught himself. But when Yeonjun started to tell them how glad and grateful he was to have met all of them and how much he valued their friendship, ending in “I just love you guys”, they all knew he was gone.

Soobin also seemed pretty tipsy, which made sense after they had made him drink that whole can at once and how he kept drinking at the same rate as the rest of them. And that’s how Taehyun found out Soobin was a loud and rambling drunk, his face became even more expressive than it already was, and they now could really read every single of his thoughts from his face alone. Also, he seemed to be a touchy drunk the way he leaned into Yeonjun next to him, throwing himself on him in laughter— and he did that a lot because he laughed at almost everything remotely funny they said at this point. And Yeonjun seemed to embrace that touchiness as he rested an arm on his shoulders and respectively leaned into him; but after all Taehyun knew he seemed to like physical contact in general.

Taehyun didn’t know when exactly the laughter lulled again, but as the fired lowered their conversation became more thoughtful. Yeonjun shared his uncertainty about the future and found a very understanding companion in Kai who seemed to struggle with something similar, although he remained vague about some details. Soobin watched him with a very peculiar look but that irritated Taehyun only until he remembered that they were childhood friends and Soobin probably knew exactly what Kai was hiding. Beomgyu was already stressing about the exam for no apparent reason because he wasn’t half as bad at magic as he made himself out to be, but no matter what they told him it didn’t seem to ease his mind.

Taehyun didn’t share anything. He couldn’t bare to even start thinking about anything about himself, about his life. But nobody pressed him about it either, so he spent his time mostly listening. There was something oddly comforting knowing that they all had their secrets and vulnerabilities that they wouldn’t yet share; it made him finally feel like it was okay to keep his past to himself until he was ready.

Yet, every time he fell particularly silent when they touched on a sensitive topic for him, he could feel Beomgyu’s eyes resting on him. It didn’t irritate him as it maybe should have, because Beomgyu had been doing that an awful lot lately— just looking at him. Taehyun decided to pretend he didn’t notice like he usual did. He didn’t mind Beomgyu watching him; he didn’t know what the other boy was looking for but maybe a part of him wanted him to find whatever it was.

Still, he caught Beomgyu stealing a glance, only for the other to quickly look away, suddenly absorbed in whatever Soobin was rambling about. Beomgyu tried to suppress a yawn but didn’t quite succeed, then he blinked heavily a few times and that’s when Taehyun realised how tired he looked. Maybe it was the fire casting shadows on his face, but the dark circles under his eyes seemed more apparent again now. They never quite disappeared, just like the had basically branded itself into Taehyun’s skin, but they had become less noticeable over the past weeks. Now, however, it was obvious that Beomgyu fought his sleepiness. He fought another yawn and this time, Kai noticed as well.

He leaned over to him. “Beomgyu, you can head to bed if you want. I’m pretty sure there’ll be nothing much happening anymore except for cleaning up.”

“What, no I’m okay”, Beomgyu said, shaking his head as if he was trying to shake off his tiredness.

“He’s right, you look pretty tired, Beomgyu. You should go”, Yeonjun softly agreed.

“Guys I’m really—” Beomgyu started to protest but another yawn betrayed him.

“Beomgyu”, was all Soobin said in his voice-of-reason tone, gently nudging his knee next to him, and it seemed to work. Beomgyu pouted but slowly got up from the blanket.

“Can’t we just all go together?”, he asked, still pouting and the way he stood there he looked like a lost puppy.

“We still need to stay and clean up, though”, Kai replied.

“I don’t want to go alone.”

Taehyun knew exactly what it felt like to leave a group as the only one while they stayed together. Even though the situation wasn’t the same, he’d also left them as the only one on Kai’s birthday party. He’d had different reasons then, but he felt the feeling of loneliness that accompanied it.

With a look at the faces of his friends, he saw that they also understood. None of them really seemed to feel sleepy yet, but there was a quiet understanding that someone had to leave with Beomgyu. Soobin bit his lip like he was seriously contemplating offering himself to go, but somewhat in his body language seemed like he wasn’t ready to go yet. And so did Yeonjun and Kai. They all exchanges more glances and small gestures, still undecided.

Alright then.

“I’m a bit tired as well, I think I’ll also head back”, Taehyun broke the silence. It was probably the best solution for all of them. He didn’t mind leaving. After all how could he ever ask for even more than this day had already given him?

Everyone seemed pretty thankful as he spoke up, and when he looked back at Beomgyu, he too seemed relieved that someone would accompany him. Taehyun stood up, dusting the sand from his pants and stretching his body that had grown stiff from sitting for too long. “Let’s go”, he then said.

“Thank you for today, I think that was seriously the best birthday of my life”, Yeonjun said earnestly. “Sleep well, both of you.”

They all waved each other goodbye before Taehyun and Beomgyu started to head towards the forest that lay dark in front of them.

Beomgyu looked at him and without the fire only his eyes dimly reflected the scarce moonlight. “We’ll need a light.”

“Definitely”, Taehyun agreed, but neither of them cast the spell. The last time Taehyun had actually cast a whole spell had been in the library to control the light orbs. Sure, he had somewhat participated in class and study sessions since then, but somehow he’d always found a way around it, focussing more on explaining than demonstration. Usually, Kai more than readily took that part during their sessions. And Beomgyu— Beomgyu was always hesitant to perform any spells. Taehyun attributed to a lack of confidence, but he really couldn’t explain where that could stem from. Usually, Beomgyu did pretty well during practice.

“Uhm, would you mind…”, Beomgyu asked hesitantly. Even though only the silhouette of his expression was visible in the darkness, Taehyun thought to seem a silent plea in his eyes.

“I… yeah, of course”, he finally agreed.

Whatever. It was just a bit of light. Nothing big and if it made Beomgyu more comfortable when he did it…

With a flick of his wrist he drew the characters in the air with practiced movements, so fast it only took the blink of an eye until small flames flared up in the air around, tainting them in a warm yellowish orange.

“Thank you, Taehyun.”

“No problem.”

They started following the path they had come on, meandering around the trunks of the birch trees that suddenly seemed a lot scarier without the sunlight falling between them. Silence encapsulated them, only broken by the occasional humming of an insect hiding under the autumn leaves covering the ground and the sound of the wind blowing through the crowns above them. Every step rustled under their feet as they walked shoulder to shoulder.

“I’m sorry if I overstepped”, Beomgyu suddenly said, voice loud against the silence.

“You didn’t, I wanted to go back anyway”, Taehyun replied. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t entirely true, but he really didn’t mind going back.

But Beomgyu shook his head. “I don’t mean that.”

What then?

“You mean the light? It’s no big deal it barely uses any Time”

“No, not— not that. But still thanks again.”

Taehyun frowned into the silence, unsure what Beomgyu was getting at, while the other clearly struggled to find the right words.

Then, he started again. “When I came into your room that night, I didn’t mean to overstep and I’m sorry if I did. I just wanted to help.”

Oh. That.

He hadn’t expected Beomgyu to bring it up again—not here, not now, not with only the trees listening. But the memory of that night still lingered.

But before he could answer, Beomgyu continued quickly, “I wanted to apologise earlier, but there was always someone around so…” He trailed off, quiet and somewhat uneasy.

“No,” Taehyun said after a pause, voice lower than before. “You didn’t overstep.”

He didn’t look at Beomgyu when he said it, just kept his eyes ahead, watching the light flicker on the path in front of them.

“I mean… yeah, it was kind of sudden. But—” He hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek, thinking of that night. Of Beomgyu’s voice cutting through the fog in his mind. Of the way his hand had felt solid and warm when everything else was slipping away. “—you helped me. A lot.”

Beomgyu didn’t say anything at first, so Taehyun kept going, quietly.

“I don’t really… talk about it. You know I don’t. It’s just too—” His throat tightened. “It’s hard when all I want is to not think about it.”

A pause.

“But you didn’t ask me to say anything. You just… stayed. And that helped me more than I know to put in words. So just…” He swallowed. “Thank you.”

Beomgyu’s steps slowed just a little, the warm glow of Taehyun’s spell casting soft shadows across his face.

“I’m glad,” he said quietly. “I wasn’t sure if I did the right thing that night. I just—I recognised something. And I couldn’t leave you like that.” He glanced at Taehyun, almost hesitantly. “I know what it feels like. When something’s got its claws in your chest and you can’t breathe. When night feels heavier than it should.”

Another pause.

“I have my fair share of sleepless nights too. It’s gotten a bit better but… I hardly ever fall asleep at a reasonable time. Sometimes I can already see the sun rising before I do. Sometimes I wake up and can’t go back to sleep, so I just wait.”

“Me too”, Taehyun said so quietly that it was almost a whisper. It was scary to reveal his vulnerability like this; he had never been good at it in the first place. After all that happened, it had become even harder. Yet, Beomgyu had already seen that side of him, so what was the point in hiding it from him any longer?

And after he had spoken those word, it felt as though his heart rested just a tiny bit lighter in his chest.

But it were Beomgyu’s next words that hit him like a boulder and almost brought tears to his eyes.

“You aren’t alone, Taehyun. You don’t have to be, if you don’t want to.”

Swallowing hard and heavily blinking, Taehyun looked up to the sky as if he could find an adequate response in the stars like he did so often, but even those couldn’t help him with the chaos of emotions that had erupted within him.

Beomgyu next to him took a deep breath that he slowly exhaled as if he was readying himself for a dive underwater.

“What I’m trying to say… I’m awake more often than not. So, whenever you wake up and.. need someone. Or when you just can’t sleep—” He paused and Taehyun could hear him draw another breath. “— I’m just across the hall.”

The words hung in the air between them. I’m just across the hall.

It was clear what they implied.

Come over.

Still looking at the sky for help, Taehyun could physically feel the words that were trapped in his throat. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

He didn’t even know what he was trying to say. Maybe something like thank you or that means a lot to me. But the feeling in his chest was too big, and the words too small. He shut his mouth again, jaw working, searching for something to hold onto.

Beomgyu noticed.

“You don’t have to”, he said gently. “Not if you don’t want to.”

Taehyun blinked at him, startled.

“I just—“ Beomgyu bit his lip, eyes dropping. “It would help me too. Not being alone.”

He gave a soft laugh like he was embarrassed to admit it and it echoed in the silence of the night. “I just wanted to offer it. You can do whatever you feel comfortable with.”

Taehyun really wanted to say something. Something like, You can come over too, but the words stayed lodged somewhere deep in his chest. he didn’t know if he could say it yet. But a part of him liked the idea. More than he expected.

“Yeah”, he said. “I know.”

Beomgyu didn’t seem to mind. He nodded, and they didn’t speak after that. They just walked, side by side through the rustling leaves, the flicker of warm light between them like a thread tying their shadows together.

Chapter Text

When Beomgyu woke up the next morning, his mouth felt dry and the light that peeked through the curtains a little too bright. Fortunately, other than that he seemed to be fine. After a quick shower and with the fresh taste of mint in his mouth, he already felt better; although he squinted at his still puffy eyes in the mirror with great dissatisfaction. He pouted at the mirror and thought that at least he looked cute. Before he left the bathroom, he winked at himself in the mirror— for good measure.  After all, he was in a good mood today.

Yesterday had been so much fun that Beomgyu had fallen asleep with a smile still plastered on his lips as memories of all the moments of laughter and joy passed his mind. And even though he’d been hesitant to leave before everyone else, he’d finally had the chance to talk to Taehyun. And maybe it was just him, but he really felt like they had gotten way closer now. He liked that.

Beomgyu swung his door open with great enthusiasm and stepped into the hallway, where he saw Taehyun already waiting by the window.

“Good morning”, Beomgyu greeted him cheerfully and beaming all over his face. Taehyun grinned.

“You’re in a good mood today”, he remarked.

“I am! I feel like I can tackle anything today.” Beomgyu let himself fall against the wall behind him and crossed his arms. “So, where’s Soobin? He’s late today.” Usually Beomgyu was the last to be ready in the morning.

Taehyun only shook his shoulders with a glance towards Soobin’s door. “I don’t know, I thought maybe you’d know.”

“How would I know what he’s up to?”, Beomgyu laughed.

“Because you’re basically roommates and share a bathroom?”, Taehyun responded, his eyes squinted.

Beomgyu snorted. “That doesn’t mean anything. It’s not like we cozy up in the bathroom every morning. That door is locked.” Except on the odd occasion that Soobin was running late. Which actually wasn’t that odd and happened quite regularly, but he’d never admit that out loud.

“We have a bit more time to wait”, Taehyun said with a look outside, where they could see the big clock over the entrance of the main building between some trees.

“No, we don’t, I’m starving.” Without wasting a single more second, Beomgyu walked over to Soobin’s door and gave it an energetic knock. “Soobin, where are you? We’re waiting.”

There was a loud groan from inside and the sound of sheets rustling. Then, Soobin’s voice emerged through the heavy wood. “I’m not going to breakfast today.” He sounded muffled, like he had his blanket over his head and also almost a bit… whiney?

Beomgyu threw Taehyun a glance, who had also stepped closer to the door. “Uhm, you alright, Soobin?”

“No, just go”, sounded the response with another groan.

“But you should really eat something after drinking”, Beomgyu protested.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You su—”, Beomgyu set on to say, but Taehyun gently interrupted him.

“Let’s just go, Beomgyu. We can check on him again later.” Taehyun had grabbed his wrist and started to slowly drag him away.

Beomgyu just let him and started to follow, but then he turned around one last time and called over his shoulder towards the door, “See you later at class!” 

He couldn’t hear if there came a response, but somehow he knew there wasn’t anyway.

“I guess he’s pretty hungover”, he said to Taehyun who walked next to him and had already let go of his wrist again.

“It would make sense, he looked pretty gone to me yesterday.”

“Did you see how much he cozied up to Yeonjun? I’m telling you, if Yeonjun were a kangaroo Soobin would have climbed into his pouch”, Beomgyu replied with a snicker. The way Soobin had clung to Yeonjun and laughed at everything he said like an idiot…

Taehyun threw him a strange look in response. “That is a very weird comparison and I never want to imagine that ever again” He paused, then he added, “But I can’t say you’re wrong.”

They soon after arrived by the cafeteria and after a friendly talk to Madame Kwon, they headed in the direction of their favourite table where they already spotted Kai and Yeonjun.

“Good morning, guys”, Beomgyu said cheerfully as he set his tray next to Yeonjun. The older looked up to him and to his delight Beomgyu could see that his eyes were slightly swollen as well.

“Someone’s in a good mood today.” Yeonjun looked at him rather skeptically, almost as if there was something suspicious about him. But what was wrong with being happy?

Beomgyu pulled up his eyebrows in response. “Not you it seems.”

“I have a headache.”

Fair enough. Beomgyu accepted Yeonjun’s answer with a shrug, but the mood still felt off. 

“How about you, Kai? You’re awfully quiet this morning”, he moved on to the boy sitting opposite of him who was busy poking at his porridge with not too much enthusiasm.

“My head is doing fine, but I very much would have liked to just stay in bed today”, Kai answered looking up and he did indeed look very tired, blinking heavily as if it was hard to keep his eyes open. “I guess Soobin not being here means he also felt like that and made the way smarter decision?”

Beomgyu nodded. “I guess so. He just told us he’s not coming to breakfast. Maybe he’s also one of those people who can’t keep anything down when they’re hung over.”

Kai furrowed his brow in thought. “No, I don’t think he is. But he can get a bit grumpy.”

“Seems on brand”, Beomgyu huffed.

“Sooo…”, Yeonjun started, dragging the vowel while being awfully busy with his scrambled egg. “Is he coming to lunch later?”

There was a weird undertone in his voice that Beomgyu couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t exactly worry and it definitely didn’t sound caring, which seemed unlike Yeonjun. Beomgyu had felt something linger in the air since they’d come, but he really had no idea what it could be. He threw a glance to Taehyun who had his eyes slightly narrowed as if he was also trying to figure something out. Maybe Beomgyu didn’t imagine it then.

Before Beomgyu could answer Yeonjun’s question, Taehyun beat him to it. “We’ll check on him after breakfast and hopefully get him to eat something and drink some water at least.”

“Oh, yeah… good”, Yeonjun mumbled, looking at a piece of egg like it was some rare specimen before piercing another chunk and shoving it into his mouth. And he still had that weird undertone.

Did something happen after we’d left yesterday? What is going on here?

Beomgyu threw Taehyun another glance, and this time Taehyun returned it. However, there were just as many questions written all over his face and as if to underline it, he shrugged his shoulders in a minuscule motion.

The breakfast continued awfully quiet and dragged on longer than usual. At least it felt like it. The silence between them usually never felt awkward, but this time it did. At some point, Yeonjun asked Kai a simple question and received a rather cold and snappy answer. All of them immediately froze in whichever motion they were currently in to stare at Kai, who just said “What?”, before lowering his head and mutilating his porridge. Obviously, the mood went entirely downhill after that. Neither Kai nor Yeonjun said another single word and when the first bell rang, they both shot up and just mumbled some words vaguely sounding like see you later. Beomgyu and Taehyun watched them as they went outside, a weird distance between them .

“What the hell”, Beomgyu finally burst out what he had held back all this time.

“Something’s off”, Taehyun agreed, his eyes still following Kai and Yeonjun through the window as they walked silently on the path towards the main building. But no matter how much they racked their brains for any kind of explanation for their behaviour, they just could find any reason that made sense. So, they agreed that they were either unbearable when they weren’t feeling well— or that they must’ve fought.

As they entered the classroom shortly after, Soobin was already sitting in his seat. When Beomgyu got a first look at his face, he really didn’t look too good. His eyes were swollen as well and red-rimmed, and just overall he looked very exhausted. Actually, he was kind of surprised Soobin had even turned up to class.

“Hey”, Beomgyu greeted quietly as he slid onto the chair next to him. “How are you doing? You don’t look too good.”

Soobin rubbed his face and sighed heavily before answering, “Yeah, I’m not doing too well.”

“Hangover?”

“Uh… yeah, got a pretty bad headache.”

So, had Taehyun been right earlier and there was no reason to worry any further? After all, although it wasn’t pleasant, a hangover wasn’t exactly a problem. And yet, Beomgyu couldn’t get rid of the feeling that something was very wrong. That something was brewing in the air.

During class, Beomgyu watched his friend intently as if staring at him enough would somehow reveal what was amiss. He tried to lift Soobin’s spirits a few times by cracking a joke here and there, hushed and whispered into his ear like he often did. Usually Soobin reacted quite well to them, even if his mood wasn’t great. But not today.

“Go without me”, Soobin said. They were on their way outside after class had ended, just a few steps away from the heavy door that lead outside.

“Again?”, Beomgyu replied in protest.

“You should eat something, Soobin”, Taehyun added softly.

But Soobin only shook his head. “I’m really not feeling well. I don’t think I can eat anything today.”

It was needless to say that Beomgyu didn’t believe him. Maybe even more so since Kai had said that Soobin wasn’t the type to not eat when hungover. After all, Kai would be the one to know stuff like this. From what Beomgyu knew— and they didn’t talk about it much— they had grown up together because they lived on the same street and had been in the same class from kindergarten all the way to high school. In an off-handed comment, Kai had once said that Soobin had in fact always been his only friend. Kai would know, and this small inconsistency just fed Beomgyu’s already brewing suspicions even more. He had to find out what was going on here.

“Alright then”, he finally said after a short pause. “Taehyun, would you mind going to lunch without me for the moment? I’ll take Soobin back to the dorm.”

At this point, him and Taehyun had become experts at exchanging meaningful glances and he knew that Taehyun understood exactly what he was up to immediately.

“I can go alone, you don’t have to take me”, Soobin protested before Taehyun could say a single word.

But Beomgyu wouldn’t back down this time. He had to get to the bottom of what the hell was going on. He just couldn’t stand that uncomfortable atmosphere that had suddenly been there since the morning. Not among his friends, not in his safe-space. Taehyun felt the same way, he knew that without having to ask. He knew enough to be sure they were similar in that way.

“I have some medicine in my room for your stomach”, he therefore lied and even though he could see Soobin wanting to protest, he knew that there wasn’t much the other could say against that.

And he was right. Soobin avoided his gaze, but after a short moment of silence he said, “Okay, thank you.”

“Alright then, I’ll see you guys later?”, Taehyun asked, already on the verge of leaving towards the cafeteria. He seemed very eager to leave them to it— or more, leave Beomgyu to his investigation.

“Uh…”, was all Soobin said before Beomgyu interrupted him.

“Yep, see you later Taehyun.” Then he took Soobin by the arm and started to drag him in direction of the dorms, sneaking Taehyun one last glance just to see him lift his fist in quiet encouragement. Beomgyu couldn’t help but smile to himself.

“Hey”, Soobin protested as he was dragged along, but nevertheless started following him quietly. Still, Beomgyu didn’t let go of his arm until the door to Soobin’s room slammed shut behind them. Soobin just stood where he had been let go off, without moving and simply looking at him. Not at his face, though, but somewhere just next to it before wandering off even more to the side.

Oh, something was so off.

“So?”

Soobin’s gaze flicked over to his face and there was no confusion in his expression, only a kind of discomfort that was very telling already. “So what?”

“What happened?”, Beomgyu inquired and stared at his friend intensely, as if that alone would peel off the layers of excuses he hid behind to reveal the truth.

“I don’t know what you mean. Nothing happened.”

He was such a bad liar.

Sighing exasperatedly, Beomgyu stepped to the side to stay in Soobin’s field of vision as his eyes wandered off again. “You know very well that I know that you’re lying. Look, you don’t have to tell me if you really don’t want to.” He paused and tried to swallow the words that bubbled up in his throat. He didn’t want to make this about himself. But no matter how much he tried to force the words down, they still eventually spilled past his lips. “But I feel like I have a right to know. Because Kai and Yeonjun are acting weird as well, and to be completely honest with you…” He paused again before he spoke the words that he’d avoided all morning, even in his own head. “… it scares me.”

Finally, Soobin looked at him again, eyes big and searching his face. “What… what do you mean it scares you?”

“Because I finally found my people. Because I’m finally not alone anymore. Do you know how lonely I was before I came here? Yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life and today you’re all suddenly acting weird. Did the three of you fight after we left? Please, just tell me because I really don’t know if I can do it without you guys.”

The last words were spoken quietly, so quietly that Beomgyu wasn’t sure if they had actually crossed his lips or where just still ringing in his head. A very vulnerable part of him hoped he didn’t. But when he saw Soobin’s eyes become incredibly soft as he bit his lip, he knew he’d actually spoken them.

“Beomgyu it’s not… it has nothing to do with you. It’s all my fault. I—” Soobin stopped and pushed his hair back in frustration. Then a look of confusion shortly crossed his face. “Wait, did you say the three of us?”

“Yeah. Kai, Yeonjun and you. All three of you are acting weird. That’s why I thought you had a fight after Taehyun and I left.”

To his surprise Soobin looked even more confused. “No, we didn’t fight. It makes sense that Yeonjun…” He paused again and squeezed his eyes shut as if the name alone hurt him. “But I have no idea why Kai would be acting weird. He left shortly after you.”

“What? But then why was he snapping at Yeonjun during breakfast? I’ve never seen him like that”, Beomgyu said and saw his own bewilderment mirrored in the way Soobin pulled his eyebrows together.

“He did what? I really don’t know why he would do that. He doesn’t get mad easily.”

“Well if you don’t know…”, Beomgyu mumbled. He hadn’t expected for the situation to become even more complicated. But then, that part of the story had to be investigated later. For now, he had to find out what was up with Soobin.

“Uh so, you said that it makes sense that Yeonjun— what?” Not the most elegant way, he knew that, but there were too many thoughts clouding his head to do it any better.

Soobin seemed to freeze at the question, eyes flicking away again as he shifted from one leg to the other, visibly uncomfortable. “I… I made a mistake. A big one.” He swallowed hard.

Beomgyu waited, trying to give him space—he didn’t want to pry more than he had to. But Soobin just squirmed under his gaze like a fish out of water, and in the end, he had no choice.

“What happened?” he asked, as gently as he could.

Soobin buried his face in his hands, ears turning a pale red. He mumbled something into his palms.

“What? I didn’t catch that.”

Slowly, Soobin lifted his head just enough to peek over his fingers. His eyes were wide with shame.

“I kissed him,” he whispered.

The words hit Beomgyu like a train  because for some reason that was the last thing he’d expected. He stared at his friend in utter disbelief unable to say anything more than, “You did what?!”

Soobin, still standing in front of him with his face hidden behind the cups of his big hands, now sank crouching to the floor as if that would help him sink into it and vanish forever. In a barely audible mumble he said, "I really don't know what happened. I wasn't thinking. I didn't even realise what happened until after, when he was looking at me like— oh God Beomgyu I can never look at him again."

If Beomgyu's jaw weren't dropped all the way to the floor, he might have been able to answer. But all he did was think to himself what a hopeless idiot Soobin was. An idiot in the most loveable way but an idiot nonetheless.

After a couple of seconds of silence, Soobin slowly lifted his head.

“Please say something”, he said in a pleading tone, eyes wide and glistening with helplessness.

“I don’t— Did he say anything?” He really didn’t know what else he was supposed to say. Regardless of his own shock, he was basically lacking all further information.

Soobin groaned in what sounded like pure agony. “He said that he likes me but he doesn’t think of me in that way. And something about figuring stuff out about himself— I don’t know I didn’t listen, I just… panicked. I think I just kept apologising… I really don’t know what came over me in that moment, I would never just— I think my brain was turned off for a moment, I don’t know.” He paused and frantically pushed his hair back. Beomgyu could see his hand shake lightly. Then, Soobin looked to the side before he continued quietly. “And then I just… left him there.”

“You left him there? You mean you ran for it?”, Beomgyu asked in disbelief.

“I didn’t— what was I supposed to do?!”

Beomgyu couldn’t hold it back any longer. “You’re such an idiot, Choi Soobin”, he sighed and finally sank down on the floor where Soobin was still crouched down, almost defeated by the mess of a situation that unfolded in front of his eyes. And he still didn’t even know how Kai tied into all this.

“I know”, Soobin said. “And I really don’t know what to do now.”

“You have to go talk to him and fix this”, Beomgyu replied if that was the most obvious thing in the world, because it was. He had to fix this because else… in his head he could already see his whole friend group breaking apart and he felt anxiety again rising in his chest. He would not let that happen.

But Soobin vehemently shook his head. “You don’t understand. How can I ever show my face in front of him again?”

“So you’d rather never speak to him again? Is that what you want?” And what about me, then? He’d never say it out loud, but the thought clung to the back of his throat, sharp and stupid and real.

“No, of course not. But what if he hates me now?”, Soobin answered in honest despair and Beomgyu could feel his face immediately soften as his own selfish fears were overlapped by the task in front of him— being there for his friend.

“You don’t have to do it today”, he said gently, reaching out his hand to soothingly touch Soobin’s arm. “If you want, I can go and talk to Yeonjun. See if he’s ready to talk about it. But I know he would never hate you.”

Until this moment, Soobin had still crouched on his feet, but now he slumped down to the floor, crossing his legs and looking up towards the ceiling before squeezing his eyes shut. His left leg began to shake restlessly and he bit his lip as if he was chewing on his words. When he opened them once again to look at Beomgyu, there was utter defeat in them.

“I have to, do I? Talk to him.”

“Yes. Eventually.”

Soobin’s fingers drummed on his already shaking leg. “You’ll go talk to him?”

“Yeah, if you want me to”, Beomgyu nodded. He would talk to Yeonjun no matter what Soobin said, but he’d much rather do it with his approval.

To his relief, Soobin slowly nodded after a few more seconds of silence. “Okay.”

“You’re not coming to lunch, are you?”, Beomgyu asked although he already knew the answer.

“No.”

As expected.

“I’ll tell Madame Kwon to send over some food for you.”

“Thank you, Beomgyu”, Soobin replied, and in his voice was nothing but genuine gratitude. Beomgyu knew that this wasn’t just about the food.

“Always”, he therefore said.

Then, he slowly got up from the floor, lightly shaking out his right leg that had started to go numb without him noticing. As he left the room, Soobin looked after him with a swirl of emotions in his eyes. But Beomgyu didn’t look closely enough to untangle them this time. His head was already elsewhere.

On his way to the cafeteria, he tried to sort all the information he had, laying it out like clues in a police investigation. If he could connect them right, maybe they’d reveal the final picture. On one side, he had Soobin, who in his drunken state had done something incredibly out of character and had acted on his romantic feelings for Yeonjun. On the other, he had Yeonjun, who must’ve been complete caught off guard by this move and was now in a very uncomfortable position having had to reject one of his friends.

And then there was Kai. Kai, who was acting weird towards Yeonjun for no obvious reason. They hadn’t fought, and because he’d left shortly after Taehyun and Beomgyu, nothing could have even happened. Did something happen before? Could he possibly be mad that Yeonjun had rejected his best friends advances? But it was unlikely he knew. Beomgyu doubted Yeonjun would have told him. He doubted Yeonjun had told anyone, just like Soobin hadn’t. So what else could it be?

Some earlier scenes of Kai acting weird during some of their gatherings before suddenly appeared. Moments, that Beomgyu had quickly dismissed then, but that now pushed themselves to the very front of his mind. And as he thought about them once more, a quiet suspicion began to slowly grow. Could it be…?

What a fucking mess.

When he finally arrived by their usual table just to see that it was only Taehyun and Kai with Yeonjun nowhere to be seen, he was close to slamming his head on the table. Now he had two people skipping their meals. He was sure they’d talked about something important, because as soon as Kai saw him, he stopped mid-sentence and busied himself with his pizza.

Taehyun threw him a ‘How did it go?’ look that Beomgyu just answered with an incredibly deep sigh. When he saw the curiosity in Taehyun’s big eyes blossom, he just mouthed “Later”. Then, he nodded in Kai’s direction with a questioning expression, and the face that Taehyun made in response to that pretty much summed up the entire situation. Countless questions burned on Beomgyu’s tongue and he knew that Taehyun was feeling the same way, but they’d have to wait until later to update each other.

The entire lunch was basically just Taehyun and him talking about this and that, while Kai was uncharacteristically quiet, but Beomgyu guessed it was probably better to leave him be for now and not make it worse by attempting to talk to him as if everything was okay— because it very obviously wasn’t. After what couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes, Kai suddenly stood up and announced that he would go to the library for a bit and went without saying that he wanted to be left alone, but they still just let him leave without protest.

It was almost comedic how the second he was out the door, both of them turned to each other and asked at the same time:

“So?”

“What did he say?”

They grinned at each other and for a moment Beomgyu was glad at least one person was acting normal.

“You first”, Taehyun demanded and scooted his chair just a bit closer to him.

Beomgyu couldn’t help but sigh again before he answered. “Soobin kissed Yeonjun.”

He watched Taehyun’s eyes grow wide, so wide that he was sure the next second they would pop straight from his skull. “He did what?!”

“Exactly my words.”

“Why would he do that?”, Taehyun asked, apparently entirely confused. It was kinda cute, the way he pulled his brows together and tilted his head like a little cat.

Beomgyu flashed him a tortured smile. “Well, because he’s an idiot and he likes Yeonjun.”

“He likes Yeonjun?!”, Taehyun gasped.

“Uhm… yeah, he was kinda obvious about it, too. Didn’t you know?”

There were the big eyes again. “No?”

He’s such a smart person, how can he be so clueless?, Beomgyu thought and suppressed a chuckle.

“Yeah, well, but Yeonjun rejected him and… that makes it kinda awkward doesn’t it?”, he said instead and scratched his nose.

But Taehyun didn’t look like he was really listening anymore, his eyes were unfocussed as if fixed on something that only he could see in his head.

“Taehyun?” He leaned a bit closer to catch the other’s attention. When Taehyun’s gaze snapped back and fixed on him, he shrunk back ever so slightly because he realised that it had maybe been a bit too close.

“It all makes so much more sense now”, Taehyun suddenly said. “When I was talking to Kai, this entire time I was wondering… but now it makes sense.”

Oh, so maybe now he would finally get the last puzzle piece. “What did he say?”

Taehyun slumped back in his chair, biting the inside of his cheek before taking a deep breath. “Well… Kai likes Soobin.”

“This is a joke, right?” You can’t be fucking serious. Yes, he’d had that exact suspicion earlier, based on the way Kai had acted whenever Soobin and Yeonjun had been especially cozy with each other, but he’d really hoped he was wrong.

“Unfortunately not”, Taehyun sighed. “It’s a mess, isn’t it?”

“Yeah”, was all Beomgyu said because he was just at a loss for words at this point.

“What do we do now?”

Why are you all asking me? I don’t know either, he thought, feeling exhaustion setting in next to his lingering anxiety, resignation— and maybe a bit of annoyance.

“I’ll go talk to Yeonjun to see how bad the situation is on his side and then we’ll see”, he then replied. “We can talk again after.”

“Okay, sounds good.”

But for some reason, Beomgyu had the feeling that there was something wrong about the way Taehyun said it. “What is it?”

Taehyun nestled with the bracelet on his wrist like he usually did when he felt anxious. “Is there… anything I can do in the meantime?”, he asked quietly.

Oh.

For a short moment, Beomgyu had been so preoccupied with the current situation and maybe even blinded by the progress Taehyun had made, that he’d forgotten that he was still in the process of healing and didn’t do well left all alone with himself and his thoughts. Especially if he didn’t know where to go. Suddenly he felt a bit guilty to just leave him here on his own, so much so that he shortly considered taking him along to talk to Yeonjun. But it could be a bit uncomfortable for Yeonjun then, so he’d rather go alone.

“Uhm…”, he began, but stopped himself because he’d started speaking before actually knowing what to say. His fingers twisted a piece of fabric between them. “Kai looked like he wanted to be alone but I think Soobin is just hiding in his room and would maybe appreciate some company.” He wasn’t entirely sure about that but it was the best he could come up with right now.

However, Taehyun was seemingly relieved and that was all Beomgyu could do for now. Somehow he felt like suddenly he was the one holding them all together. He knew he wouldn’t be able keep that up for long if the situation didn’t get at least somewhat resolved soon, but he tried not to think about it. They again parted ways outside of the cafeteria with the agreement to catch up with each other in the evening. Beomgyu was already looking forward to it because weirdly enough Taehyun had suddenly become the least complicated person to be around.

Arriving at Yeonjun’s room, he hesitated. He knew he wasn’t great at having that kind of conversations, not because he was actually exceptionally bad at them, but rather because it took him quite some effort— it didn’t come naturally to him. And right now, feeling as though the sake of his entire friend group depended on how well he did, didn’t help with that. He took a few deep breaths and finally lifted his hand to softly knock against the door. There was silence, then a muted ruffling of cloth and the sound of bare feet against wood. The door was cracked open ever so slightly and he could only see one of Yeonjun’s eyes peek through the opening.

“Oh, it’s you”, Yeonjun said with poorly disguised relief in his voice and opened the door fully. He stepped forward and looked up and down the hallway, as if to check wether Beomgyu was really alone before gesturing for him to come in.

The room looked different from the last time Beomgyu had been here. Since that evening a few weeks back, they hadn’t spent any time in Yeonjun’s room again, rather sun bathing on the grass on campus, lounging in the library, gathering in the cafeteria or sitting in the student lounge. Now, Beomgyu could see that Yeonjun had actually cleaned up before inviting them last time and that Kai had been very right with his comment about the laundry. There were small piles of clothes scattered in various locations in the room, not exactly messy. There seemed to be a kind of system behind it that Beomgyu didn’t know. Next to the bed on the floor was the record player that had been pulled from under the bed and a couple of vinyls were stacked next to it. A quiet acoustic song was playing.

“Ah sorry, I didn’t expect anyone, so I didn’t clean up”, Yeonjun apologised, having noticed him inspecting the room.

Beomgyu just waved it off lightly. “No need. My room doesn’t look any better.”

They were standing in the middle of the room a bit awkwardly after that, until Yeonjun noticed and quickly ushered him to the chair by the desk, carelessly throwing the clothes on there on the bed. “Please, sit down.”

He did as he was told, and Yeonjun respectively sat down on the edge of the bed next to the clothes.

“So, uhm…”, Beomgyu started before another pause of silence could set in. “You didn’t come to lunch.”

But he immediately felt incredibly stupid starting with that statement. Thank you, Captain Obvious. What a great intro that would definitely open up a heartfelt conversation.

But Yeonjun didn’t seem to mind. He was busy looking at his hands as if the rings on his fingers could somehow advise him in this situation, and Beomgyu really felt that in his very soul. Then, Yeonjun looked up and found his gaze.

“You talked to Soobin, didn’t you?”, he simply asked.

“Yes.” There was no point in denying it, Yeonjun was way too perceptive to not catch him on a lie. Also, there wasn’t any reason to lie about it in the first place. Didn’t it make it easier for both of them when he already knew what had happened?

Yeonjun let out an exhausted sigh in response and brushed some pink strands of hair from his forehead in distress. “Is he mad?”

“What?” At first, Beomgyu was sure he’d misheard the question, but when it fully registered in his brain he was again very close to just burying his head in his hands. They were both idiots. “No, why would he— are you?”

“Me?” Yeonjun pointed to himself like there was a third person in the room.

“Yes, Yeonjun. You. Are you mad he kissed you?” At the word kissed an image must have flashed through his mind because Yeonjun flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, like he could force it out.

“No, of course I’m not mad. I was just… taken by surprise, and I didn’t know how to react and I don’t even know what I said to him but he looked like he was close to drowning himself in that lake. And then he just… left”, it suddenly spilled out of him, the words cracking slightly at the edges, and Beomgyu could see the same helplessness in his eyes that he’d seen in Soobin’s earlier.

He swallowed, unsure where to start. “He really regrets it. He’s scared you hate him for it.”

Yeonjun’s head snapped up. “What? No— I just… panicked. Kinda still am.” He laughed a short awkward laugh before falling silent again.

Beomgyu let the silence sit between them a while, then he finally asked, “Can I ask… why you said no?”

Yeonjun’s lips pressed together. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, spinning one of the silver rings on his index finger. “It’s not exactly because it’s Soobin. I mean— I don’t think I like him like that, but also it’s not entirely personal.”

“Okay”, Beomgyu said carefully, but a bit confused nonetheless.

“I’ve been trying to figure some things out. About myself. And… it’s kinda a lot.”

“You can tell me”, Beomgyu offered softly. “If you want.”

Yeonjun nodded, almost to himself, then said, quieter, “I think I’m asexual.”

Beomgyu blinked. “You’re… what?” He’d never heard that word before.

“Asexual”, Yeonjun repeated. He glanced up. “It means I don’t really… feel sexual attraction. Or at least not the way most people seem to. It’s weird to explain. I’ve been reading, well—” he gestured vaguely toward a stack of books on the floor. “Digging through medical texts and psychology volumes like a total nerd.”

“So…”, Beomgyu trailed off. “You don’t like people?”

“No, I do”, Yeonjun said quickly, as if afraid of being misunderstood. “Romantic attraction is still… there. I’ve had crushes. I still want connection. I just don’t want the physical stuff. Or not the way people expect. And every time I tried to force it, I felt… horrible.”

Beomgyu was quiet for a long moment. “So you’ve always felt this way?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t have the words for it. But now it all makes sense. Like I finally have the missing piece to a puzzle, you know?”

“That’s good then.” Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he fully understood yet, but the relief in Yeonjun’s voice was enough to understand the weight of it.

Yeonjun laughed quietly, a little bitter. “Yeah, it is. But it also sucks.” he picked at the edge of his sleeve. “Because now I look back at that relationship— the one I told you about. It was actually that conversation that started all this… anyways, I realised how much I let myself be pushed around. How many boundaries I should have held. But I didn’t even know I had the right to draw them.”

Beomgyu’s stomach turned. “They didn’t respect you?”

“Not really. I mean, not in a dramatic way. Just little things. Pressure. Guilt-tripping. Me feeling like something was wrong with me for not wanting what they did. I thought if I just tried harder, maybe I’d get there eventually.” He gave a dry smile. “Spoiler: I didn’t.”

“So they manipulated you”, Beomgyu said immediately, a bit too sharply.

With another bitter smile, Yeonjun looked up from his hands again. “Did they? I still have trouble to view it like that. A part of me still thinks I was the problem. Some of the stuff… that it’s my fault because I didn’t directly say no.”

His voice sounded so sad that Beomgyu thought his heart might break any second. “I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

Yeonjun gave a little shrug, but he was clearly just overplaying hurt he felt. “I can’t change what happened. But I can’t deny that I’m… scared. With Soobin… I don’t think he’d ever do that. I really don’t. But I don’t trust myself not to end up in that place again. Not until I figure out what a relationship can look like for me. What I want it to look like. And I can’t ask him to wait around for that. He deserves better than that.”

“But you care about him.”

“So much”, Yeonjun admitted, voice thick. “But not like that. I do love him. As a friend. As someone I want around. But I think I need to be really, really sure about what I can give someone before ever even considering trying again. I don’t even know if i want to try again.”

“Then don’t”, Beomgyu said gently. “You don’t owe anyone that.”

“But I hate that I hurt Soobin”, Yeonjun said, biting his lip.

Beomgyu ran a hand through his hair. “I mean… it was mainly the alcohol. Usually… he’d never— well. I think he’s mostly embarrassed , though. He thinks he ruined everything.”

“He didn’t”, Yeonjun said quickly. “Really, all I want is to go back to how it was.”

“Then tell him that.”

Yeonjun laughed weakly. “You’re assuming I’ll be able to look him in the eye again.”

“He kinda said the same, you know”, Beomgyu replied with a small smile. “You can just do it while not looking at each other.”

Yeonjun huffed out another weak laugh. Then, silence settled around them for a while. Yeonjun picked at a thread in his sleeve. Beomgyu glanced around the room, back at the small stack of books on the floor.

“How did you even find that term? I wouldn’t even know what to look for”, he asked finally.

“You know that very neat librarian? The lady with the straight bob that always peers at us over the edge of her glasses? When I couldn’t find anything, I asked her. She was gone for almost ten minutes and I thought she ditched me but then she came carrying all of those. The first time I read the description and realised that that was exactly how I felt, I almost cried. Because turns out I’m not broken after all. There are other people like me.” He sounded as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders and Beomgyu felt genuinely happy for him, even though this whole situation still gave him somewhat of a headache.

“You really think Soobin will be okay?”, Yeonjun asked, looking over at him.

“He will. Eventually. But you two will have to talk to each other. I can’t do that for you. But I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Next to him, Yeonjun breathed out slowly. “Thanks for coming, Gyu. Really. This helped me more than I thought it would.”

Beomgyu smiled at the nickname, then he leaned back in his chair. “I’m getting really good at crisis management. I should charge you people.”

Yeonjun laughed— a real laugh this time— and the sound of it let relief flood through Beomgyu. Maybe all of this wasn’t too bad after all. But inside he still knew that even if Soobin and Yeonjun made up, it would probably still be awkward between them for a while and a part of him already dreaded it. Especially because he really didn’t know what to do with Kai— that was a whole different can of worms that he very much didn’t want to open, if he was being honest. But maybe Taehyun could help him with that. He couldn’t wait to tell him about all of this.

Oh, wait.

“Uhm, Yeonjun… Taehyun was also pretty worried about you guys. Would it be alright for you if I tell him about our conversation?”, he asked carefully. He wouldn’t want to accidentally reveal someones secrets; after all he’d also like them to keep his if he’d ever had it in him to tell them.

But Yeonjun looked at him like that had been a somewhat unnecessary question. “Of course, it’s not like it’s a secret or anything.”

Okay, well. Just me then.

“Are you coming to dinner later?”

“Will Soobin be there?”, Yeonjun asked. Of course he did.

Beomgyu thought about it for a second. “I don’t think he’s stepping foot out of his room again today if I’m being honest.”

“I’ll think about it.” Yeonjun sounded unsure, but then another thought seemed to cross his mind. “By the way, Kai was really weird today as well. Do you know anything about that?”

And that was the moment Beomgyu finally let his forehead sink on the desk next to him.

“Not today, Yeonjun. Not today”, he mumbled towards the wood.

He’d done enough for today.

Chapter Text

Taehyun looked after them as Soobin was dragged away, still protesting and trying to free his arm from Beomgyu’s grip until he apparently accepted his fate and just followed him, somewhat looking like a lost puppy. Only when they disappeared through the entrance of their dorm building did Taehyun really move. Although he’d started to before, he actually stopped again after just a couple of steps.

He had to admit that he felt a little lost himself, like he was suddenly on his own now that Beomgyu was gone. Before, although he couldn’t make sense of the situation, it had felt fine because Beomgyu was there, just as confused as him— if not even more so. Somehow it was even fun to trade glances, communicate without words. It was a different kind of connection he hadn’t felt in a long time. Another thing they shared, just the two of them. It made it feel more special.

But now that he was on his own, that edge of fun was gone and he found himself hesitating to go to the cafeteria. He wasn’t looking forward to stepping back into the awkwardness between Kai and Yeonjun. The tension that morning had been enough. After all, he’d just started to really settle into all this, to get comfortable. To let down his guard just a bit more. And suddenly this space that he had worked so hard to create began to crumble at the edges, ever so slightly. It was hard to push the worry away, although Taehyun had always been good at not worrying about things too hard until they actually became a problem. And even then he had a rather pragmatic approach to solving them. But he wasn’t the same as before, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be that person again. He’d certainly become more vulnerable than before.

Yet, he walked towards the cafeteria, where many students already pushed through the tall glass doors and he could hear the clatter of plates and cutlery from inside. He craned his neck to look over the jumble of students as best as he could to see if he could spot Yeonjun’s pink head somewhere in between. That was usually the easiest way to find the others because no one else on campus had such a bright hair colour. But this time, no matter how hard he looked, he couldn’t see him anywhere. Maybe they’d already gone inside?

Suddenly, he felt a light tap on his right shoulder.

“Hey”, Kai said quietly from behind him.

Taehyun turned around to look at his friend, whose head  fortunately blocked the sun from blinding him.

“Oh, hey Kai.” He looked around, but still couldn’t spot any pink hair. “Where’s Yeonjun?”

Kai hesitated, his jaw tightening for just the blink of an eye. “He left after class.”

There was no further explanation and considering the mood between the two earlier, especially how Kai had acted around Yeonjun, he figured that they hadn’t really talked to each other anyway.

“Did you also come alone?”, Kai asked, an edge of insecurity in his voice that Taehyun could relate to only too well.

He tried not to sigh. “Yeah, Soobin still didn’t feel well so Beomgyu took him back to the dorm.”

And hopefully get out of him what had happened. Taehyun would probably not be the one to get any information because one, he didn’t like to pry for it and two, Kai seemed to usually keep most stuff to himself. So, he kinda relied on Beomgyu to handle this, which was also why he had so readily let him leave earlier.

There was a somewhat awkward pause between them as they realised it was just the two of them for lunch. Not because they disliked each other, but because they had never really spent a lot of time alone with each other, just short moments during tutoring when Beomgyu went to the bathroom or waiting somewhere together. But never a whole meal and especially not with some underlying problem that ghosted around them unspoken.

“Let’s go in”, Taehyun announced to break the silence. He couldn’t bear it for much longer than that, he already felt uncomfortable as it was.

And Kai on his part also seemed rather relieved. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Maybe he should have thought about it before, but he had been distracted by everything else too much. So when Madame Known’s eyebrows began to lift to wrinkle her forehead even more as soon as she saw only the two of them approach, his face automatically assumed what could only be described as a clear Oh no. Which only seemed to confirm the old lady’s suspicion because she pursed her lips in disapproval. He knew she only meant well, but sometimes she felt a bit overbearing for his taste.

“Where did you leave the rest of your bunch?”, she asked while handing the girl in front of them in the queue a tray. “Enjoy, dear.”

“Soobin is still not feeling well, so Beomgyu took him to the dorms and Yeonjun…” Taehyun threw a glance to Kai but he didn’t look like he’d be any help right now. “Yeonjun’s… also not feeling great.”

The corners of Madame Known’s thin lips pulled downwards, something between sad and disappointed but also as if she felt sorry for them. “Did you boys overdo it yesterday?”

Taehyun hesitated for a moment, throwing Kai another glance to see if he’d answer instead but he still didn’t look like he wanted to. “Uhm… some of us at least, I guess.”

“Did you at least have fun?”, Madame Kwon asked, more gently this time.

“A lot”, Taehyun earnestly answered and felt a smile sneak on his lips.

“Good then.” Madame Kwon grabbed two trays that were already standing ready next to her and pushed them over the counter towards them. “You know I don’t like when you guys skip your meals. Especially after drinking, it’s important to eat. How will they feel better if they don’t eat?”

“I know”, Taehyun agreed. He noticed the worry in her voice. “Maybe they’ll come to dinner. Beomgyu’s definitely coming soon, though.”

The old lady sighed, then reached out to pat his hand that had already gripped one of the trays. “They wont be like that for long”, she said. “I’ll give you a tea for your stomach next time you go drinking.”

Then, she smiled at him before waving him off to get to the next student in line. Taehyun was glad she hadn’t made too big of a deal out of it this time. He’d always wondered why she made such a fuss about them eating or not and he had always rather been left lone. But he had to admit that her kindness had maybe been the only reason that prevented him from completely losing touch of reality before he became part of his friend group. Now that he could think back more clearly, he realised that he’d clung to her warmth the same way that had eventually pulled him into the group. Maybe he should feel more thankful towards her.

As he thought about this, they had already reached their usual table by the window and wordlessly sat down. It felt empty with half the group missing— and so so silent. It was as though even the noise from the students around them was muffled due to the heaviness in the air around them.

To his surprise though, as soon as they had settled a bit and dug into their food, Kai tried his best to act as if everything was just as usual. It was kind of cute, the way he smiled and asked him about class earlier. Taehyun knew Kai enough to know that he did it solely to make him feel more at ease. But no matter how much he appreciated the effort, it was painfully obvious that Kai was trying so hard to push his own feelings away that at some point he just couldn’t bear to watch anymore. Maybe he felt sorry for him, he wasn’t sure.

“Kai”, he interrupted him gently.

Kai stopped talking without hesitation and simply looked at him. “Yeah?”

“You’ve been acting weird all day and I mean, you’re not the only one. So… what happened?” He knew it was a blunt way of asking, but he didn’t think beating around the bush would help the situation. And somehow he had a feeling that it was the right approach when it came to Kai.

“Nothing happened”, Kai quickly said, his expression closing off in an instant.

“Look, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. If you want me to act as if everything is okay, too, I can try. But the way you talked to Yeonjun this morning… that’s really not like you. I know you wouldn’t do it without reason, that’s why I’m asking”, he tried to explain.

Kai put his chopsticks on his bowl with a quiet clatter, shoulders tensing ever so slightly.

“Yeonjun didn’t do anything”, he then said, head lowered. “I just… I don’t know what came over me. I already apologised to Yeonjun, but I understand he still feels hurt. Because he really didn’t do anything.”

Taehyun believed him— there was earnestness in his voice. Yet, this made everything even more confusing because the Kai he had got to know was one of the kindest people he’d ever met and would never lash out at anyone. He may not know them for long, but he’d spent enough time watching them. But if Kai didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t push. No matter how much he wanted to know, he had no right to pry anything from him.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Kai restlessly slide around in his chair, pick up his chopsticks again just to lay them down a second later. He pushed his hair back and leaned back in his chair, opened his mouth and closed it again. It was so painfully obvious he wanted to say something and couldn’t quite bring himself to that Taehyun contemplated to actually not drop the topic like he had planned to. Instead, he waited patiently for Kai to make a decision, because he also appreciated when they let him decide when to talk and what to say.

“Do you think Yeonjun likes Soobin?”, Kai finally blurted out.

Taehyun blinked. It wasn’t the question itself that threw him off, but the way Kai said it—too quickly, like it had been pressing against his ribs all day. But with Kai’s eyes hidden behind his bangs, he couldn’t read quite them, so he had no clue what his intentions might be.

“Of course. We’re all friends, aren’t we?”, he answered after a short pause.

But Kai shook his head. “No… not like that. I mean like as in…”

He didn’t have to finish the sentence for him to understand, and still Taehyun’s irritation grew. Yet, in situations like this he always liked to just keep to honesty.

“I’m not good at picking up on stuff like that. Why are you suddenly asking that?”

“Ah… I just got a feeling recently and I was wondering if I’m the only one. But it’s okay if you didn’t pick up on it, maybe I’m wrong”, Kai replied, but he kept avoiding his gaze so Taehyun knew there was more behind the question than he let on.

“You spend a bit more time with Yeonjun than me, I think you’d know better than me anyway.”

Through the strands of his bangs, Kai glanced at him. “I mean… maybe. But yesterday, did you not…?”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean”, he answered honestly.

“You’re just as oblivious as Soobin, huh?”, Kai murmured, but a tiny grin snuck on his lips. It was a mixture of something like adoration and sadness.

“To be fair, I don’t know him for that long. Any of you, really”, Taehyun pointed out, trying to not let his growing confusion show too much.

Kai blinked at him. “Sorry, you’re right I forgot about that. It’s weird… it feels like I’ve known you guys for ages already. But Soobin’s the only one I actually know for a very long time.”

The opportunity to finally learn more about their relationship presented itself so beautifully that Taehyun knew he had to take it. No matter how sweet and open Kai was, he’d quickly realised that actually getting close to him wasn’t as easy as it seemed at first.

“Now that you’re mentioning it,  I always wondered how long exactly,” he carefully prompted.

“We met way back in kindergarten”, Kai started, just like that as if he’d waited for this opportunity just as much as him. His eyes were distant as he started to recall those days far in the past and Taehyun leaned back in his chair, ready to listen.

“We were both so shy back then that all the other kids quickly lost interest in playing with either of us. I remember how one day during children’s day the teachers handed out candy to us all and they must’ve missed me by accident. I was even too shy to tell them they forgot to give me some, so I just sat in a corner all by myself— not sure why, maybe I was trying not to cry. But then this other shy boy came over, wordlessly sat down and shared his candy with me. I must have been three or four years old but I still remember it so vividly…”

A soft smile snuck on his lips before he continued.

“I don’t know if in this moment he decided to take me in as his younger brother or if I just started follow him around. It depends on who you’re asking.” Kai chuckled. “Anyway, from then on we were always together, always playing together at kindergarten and in the afternoon we’d go to his house and just continue playing. Funnily enough he lived just across the street, we didn’t even realise that before. Later he had a really cool tree house in his garden that his father built for his fifth birthday and we made that our secret hideout. At some point his house felt more like my home than my actual home and his parents more like parents than mine. They just picked us up from kindergarten together and in the evening my nanny would come over to take me home.”

Taehyun had been so immersed in Kai’s story until now that he had not made a single noise or move this whole time. But the word nanny threw him off in a way that he felt himself subconsciously sit up straighter. Who even had a nanny these days? Rich people. But that also probably meant…

“Why didn’t your parents pick you up when you were just across the street?”, he asked to confirm his suspicions.

Kai snorted. “Because they were busy.”

Of course.

“My dad’s a businessman, you know”, Kai began to explain with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “And my mum does all the books in the company. So they’re both really important and at the time they did a lot of expos and overseas business trips and important meetings. Of course, I didn’t even realise what I was missing out on until Soobin’s parents kinda took me in. They are the kindest people you’ll ever meet, no wonder Soobin turned out that way, too. Honestly, I don’t even know where I would be today if not for them. Or who. My parents actually wanted to home-teach me after kindergarten but I had been so excited to go to school with Soobin that I cried through the whole night after they told me and when I even stopped eating, my mother convinced my father to let me go to public school at least for a bit. For my first day at school, she gave me a small penguin keychain as a lucky charm that would make me do well at school. I think that was the last nice thing she ever did for me, because afterwards I guess they realised that I was not as highly gifted at magic as my siblings.”

The bitterness and sadness that mixed into his voice pricked at Taehyun’s heart like a needle, small but sharply piercing through it. He threw a glance to Kai’s backpack that he had carelessly thrown on the chair next to him and although he couldn’t see it, he remembered the small worn penguin keychain that dangled from one of the zippers. Never would he have guessed that it held such a bittersweet memories, the joy little Kai must’ve felt when he got it— a token of love from the mother he probably desperately wanted attention from just for it to slowly fade away until nothing remained. He understood why he clung to it and after all those years continued to carry it around. From what it sounded like, it was all he’d ever gotten.

Kai noticed his gaze and his demeanour changed into an even bitterer smile. “It’s pathetic I still have it, right?”

Taehyun shook his head vehemently. “No, I don’t think it’s pathetic at all. My mom still keeps my dad’s paintings in her room even though he just left us and never came back. He was an artist, you know.”

“Oh”, Kai said, eyes widening. “I didn’t know…”

Of course not— Taehyun had never told anyone about it. He liked to pretend he simply didn’t have a father. No matter how much his mother tried to explain and justify it, he couldn’t understand why he would leave without a single word and abandon them. He still hated going into his mother’s bedroom, because every time he looked at those paintings all he wanted was to tear them down and tell his mom to finally forget about him. Yet, the older he got, the more he understood why she couldn’t let go.

“If someone you love just disappears without explanation, it leaves you doubting everything. You wonder if they ever loved you back— or if you just imagined it, foolish and alone. Those paintings are the only proof my mom has that he once cared. That her years with him weren’t just… a lie she told herself to sleep at night”, Taehyun quietly said.

“Right”, Kai breathed faintly.

He was silent after that, eyes distant and tracing something on the tabletop, like the past was painted there. Then, suddenly, he said, “It was always just us— Soobin and I. We both didn’t really need anyone else. At least I didn’t. We did everything together. We had our first school day together, we skipped school for the first time together. Got our first detention for playing cards under the desk during history class… the old kind with enchanted creatures and silly effects, you know? We were obsessed.”

A pause.

“Our first beer, stolen from his dad’s fridge. We split it behind the treehouse, both pretending it didn’t taste awful.” His smile faded into something softer. “We used to say we’d do all our ‘firsts’ together. Dumb, I know. But it kind of stuck. First time seeing the ocean. First time going to a concert. It just… always came back to him.”

He shrugged his shoulders, gaze finding Taehyun. “When we got here and they separated us into two different classes it was really weird and at first, I didn’t like it at all. But I quickly thought that it was actually a good thing for us, and that despite what we thought— or at least I did— we needed other friends besides each other. I like you guys a lot and I think my life feels… fuller since we started hanging out.”

Kai smiled at him with genuine appreciation in his eyes. How quickly Taehyun had gotten attached to them all, he realised, his heart warmed at the words as if it were the most natural response when just a few weeks ago it had felt cold and heavy. Now, it felt even lighter knowing that apparently, they all had found in each other exactly what they needed. He didn’t believe in things like fate or destiny. But maybe this would make him start to.

Sometimes, like in this very moment, he wanted to tell them just how thankful he truly was. The way the word already got stuck in his throat merely thinking about it, however, he knew he couldn’t yet bring himself to.

In this moment, it was perhaps better to remain silent regardless, because Kai seemed to need that moment for himself. To finally say out loud what must have boiled deep inside him for a while. Taehyun had no way of knowing how much of this Soobin knew, but some of the words felt like they were spoken out loud for the very first time. From his observations, it seemed like from a very young age Kai had learned that he had to deal with his problems and emotions all by himself. He bottled them up, swallowed them, forgot about them. But some problems couldn’t just be shoved aside, some emotions started festering within you over time. Taehyun knew that only too well. So, without having to ask, he knew instinctively that his role was to listen. Yet, he still couldn’t bite back the question that had been circling in his mind for a while.

“Then, why did you ask about Yeonjun?”

In response, Kai’s face darkened ever so slightly before he caught himself, finger drumming on the table.

“I guess…” he began, voice low, “I just didn’t expect it to feel like this.”

Taehyun frowned. “Like what?”

Kai hesitated. His fingers stilled. “Like I’m losing something I never really had.”

That made Taehyun pause.

Kai gave a breathy laugh, short and bitter. “I mean, it’s stupid. Yeonjun’s great. And that makes it even worse.”

Taehyun could feel his face twist with confusion. “I don’t think I’m quite following again.”

“It’s just hard watching them sometimes. They got close so quickly and I— I know it’s selfish. I know it’s not Yeonjun’s fault. But it’s hard, watching someone else get the moments you’ve wanted for years. Moments I never even asked for because I was too scared of what I’d lose if I did.”

Moments he wanted for— Oh.

It was as though some of the puzzle pieces finally fell into place.

And before he could stop himself he blurted out, “You’re in love with him.”

Kai froze for a second as the words hit him, eyes cast on his fingers that had resumed fumbling on the tabletop. Taehyun slapped a hand in front of his mouth, shocked by the words that had just slipped past his lips unintentionally.

“I’m so sorry, Kai. I didn’t mean to—”

“No”, Kai interrupted him and his shoulders slumped down as he deflated like a pricked balloon. “You’re right. I am… and have been for a really long time I think.”

He was still staring at the tabletop, his fingers now grabbing onto the edge of his tray. “It took me ages to realise what it was but I’ve known for a while now. All this time I told myself it was fine to just continue as we were regardless. That it would be enough for me. Because what if I make a move and ruin it all? I don’t think I could ever live with myself. I thought, as long as Soobin was happy I could be as well, no matter what. But I can’t stop the part of me that looks at Yeonjun and thinks—”

It should be you, Taehyun finished the sentence in his thoughts.

His heart ached for Kai. The fear of losing the person that was everything to him was so palpable he thought if he reached out his hand in that moment he could touch it, hanging between them in the air. At the same time, he wasn’t sure why exactly Kai had opened up to him and not Beomgyu, who definitely had a way deeper connection to him than Taehyun. He felt the gravity of the trust he’d been shown, not sure how he even deserved that; he knew very well that there was nothing he could do for Kai except listen. Maybe that was even enough, and yet it didn’t feel like it was. He sincerely wished he could do more.

“But they’re just friends”, he said gently.

Kai huffed out a dry laugh, his eyes full of disbelieve. “You really mean to tell me you never noticed how Soobin—”

He suddenly fell quiet without finishing the sentence, eyes fixed on something behind Taehyun before averting his gaze to stare at his half-eaten pizza. Taehyun slowly turned around, already knowing who’d be there. Beomgyu approached them slowly, eying the empty chairs around them with a very displeased expression. However, it quickly faded into a soft smile as soon as he caught Taehyun looking at him.

They exchanged some meaningful glances after he sat down and it was as though a weight was lifted from Taehyun’s chest that he hadn’t even noticed. Because no matter how much he appreciated Kai opening up to him, this new information only added to the already messy situation. But now he felt better, remembering that he wasn’t alone, that they were in this mess together, both desperately trying to hold together the threads of the group that held them together.

But it didn’t last long.

Soon after Kai left for the library, he got some time with Beomgyu where they updated each other briefly. But quickly, Beomgyu also announced he would leave to talk to Yeonjun. And while Taehyun understood that it was necessary to resolve the situation— and he wanted nothing more than have the situation resolved— he found himself sitting exactly where Beomgyu had left him, staring at the plate in front of him. A sudden emptiness spread inside him, one that reminded him of the first weeks he had spent here, dissociated from reality because everything hurt too much. In moments when he was alone, it was especially hard to keep it together. And now, no matter how much he knew that it had nothing to do with him, he couldn’t help but feel left behind.

What if everything came crashing down again, everything that he had worked so hard to earn?

Stop.

He shot up from his chair, shaking his head as if he could shake all the dark thoughts out that way. Beomgyu hadn’t abandoned him. Taehyun knew—he felt—that Beomgyu was just as anxious, maybe even more so. The way he smiled at him in the cafeteria… maybe he’d have preferred to stay, too. And they both very well knew that Taehyun couldn’t be the one to do the heavy lifting, even if he wanted to. Even the conversation with Kai had pulled so much energy from him, though he didn’t quite want to admit it. After all, he had only listened. But once again he’d become painfully aware of the fact that no matter how much better he felt now, he was far from healed.

A part of him just wanted to go lie down and not talk to another person again, but he knew only too well that, in reality, it would only make things worse. He was glad Beomgyu had suggested he go see Soobin. He probably would have just left him alone and aimlessly wandered the campus, waiting for Beomgyu and trying to keep his thoughts from drifting off. It was still possible that he’d have to do just that, because if Soobin wanted to be left alone, he’d understand.

But in the end, he worried about that for nothing. As soon as Soobin saw him after opening the door, a gentle smile spread across his face.

“Are you here to check on me as well?”, he asked and stepped aside to let Taehyun into the room.

“Yeah.”

Soobin slumped down on his bed that he must’ve just gotten up from considering everything was wrinkled and in disorder. “Beomgyu told you?”

“Yes”, Taehyun answered truthfully.

No point in acting clueless. They both hadn’t told each other much detail anyway. Taehyun had even pondered if he should tell Beomgyu about Kai in the first place but ultimately decided that he needed to know to assess the situation correctly. Beomgyu had seemed to have guessed as much anyway. He was way more perceptive than Taehyun— who had been called oblivious twice in a row now and couldn’t even deny it.

Soobin grimaced. “You would have found out sooner or later anyway. Is Beomgyu off to talk to…?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I ruined it all. It must be really hard for you”, Soobin apologised gently, finding his gaze.

But Taehyun shook his head lightly. “I’m not the one you have to apologise to.” Only as the words were already out of his mouth did he realise that they could come off completely wrong. Quickly he added, “I didn’t mean… well, I guess you still have to but I didn’t mean it like that.”

Soobin only chuckled quietly. “I know, Taehyun. And I do have to apologise to him. It’s just… no matter how much I want to, the thought alone of seeing him makes me want to hide forever.”

“Just because you know what’s right to do, doesn’t mean it’s easy”, Taehyun replied. He knew that only too well.

“Right”, Soobin agreed.

Then he sighed and threw his head back, looking at the ceiling. Taehyun shifted in the chair next to the bed that he had naturally occupied. The silence lasted for a while that, for once, comfortably stretched between them. But Soobin’s presence by itself already grounded Taehyun, so he didn’t mind the silence at all— he appreciated it even. Both of them were clearly emotionally exhausted.

It was Soobin who broke the silence again.

“Did you have fun yesterday?”, he asked and propped his head on his hand, looking at Taehyun.

“I did”, he only said at first, quickly searching for words to express his emotions. It was still hard for him to even consciously feel them. He still tended to push them away subconsciously, even the positive ones. “I felt… really happy. I don’t know how to put it because happy sounds so simple, but…”

“But it’s not”, Soobin finished his sentence gently. “For you it’s not. You know, I’m glad to hear you say that. I know that just because people laugh doesn’t mean they’re actually happy. But it’s good that you were. Really good. You can be proud of how far you’ve already come.”

Something within him squirmed at the words. “It’s all just thanks to you guys, though”, he murmured quietly.

Soobin tilted his head ever so slightly. “That’s not true. You should give yourself some credit. Yes, we offered you a hand, but if you hadn’t taken it there would have been nothing that we could have done. Every step you took was all by yourself, we just cheered you on from the sidelines. And accepting help from others is not as easy as it sounds. A lot of people struggle to do that. So no, it’s not just thanks to us.”

For a couple of breaths, Taehyun just sat there, letting the words sink in. When they fully hit him, a chaos of emotions erupted in his chest that felt too overwhelming to declutter in that moment. He knew he’d have to come back to it later, maybe at night when he couldn’t sleep anyway. For now, he blinked away the wetness in his eyes and quietly cleared his throat.

“Thank you”, he croaked meekly.

“No, thank you”, Soobin said. “I’m glad you accepted us as your friends. I don’t know why, but from the moment I first saw you I knew you were the missing piece.”

Taehyun laughed weakly. “That’s so cheesy, Soobin.”

Soobin grinned. “I know, I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth. But still, it’s true.”

After another short pause, Taehyun finally said: “I’m also glad you’re my friends. I don’t know where I would be without you.” He really didn’t. But it would definitely be a very dark and agonising place.

“Don’t worry, Yeonjun and I will talk this out like adults. You’ve trusted us this far, please trust us a little more.”

“I wasn’t worried”, Taehyun said a little too quickly.

Soobin snorted. “Yes you were.”

He stared at Soobin for a second, lips pressed together because he hated to admit it. “Maybe a bit.”

In response, Soobin’s dimples deepened. “You know, I used to compare you to a little kitten in the beginning. I still think it fits because even if you glare at me like that all I can think is that you’re really cute.”

“I’m not cute?!”, Taehyun protested immediately.

“Yes you are.”

There was no point in arguing with Soobin, so he just stayed silent with a lightly sour expression on his face. Not that it was anything new, his mum wouldn’t shut up about him being cute and even the librarians had shushed about him every time. He just thought now that he was an adult that was bound to change. But he seemed to have thought wrong.

“Thank you for coming around and keeping me company”, Soobin suddenly said in a serious tone. “I think that was exactly what I needed.”

“You don’t have to thank me. You were there when I couldn’t even appreciate it, so this is nothing”, Taehyun dismissed earnestly, because that was the truth.

Again, Soobin didn’t look exactly happy with his reply. “Taehyun, just let me thank you, okay? This isn’t a transaction. It’s not like you owe me anything.”

He didn’t say anything. But he still believed it—deep down. He owed them everything. And he’d give all of himself to repay that debt, no matter how long it took.

It was almost comical, the way Taehyun and Beomgyu sat across each other on that big table, chairs beside them emptier and emptier in the course of the day, until only the two of them remained. They both seemed to feel that way, because as soon as they sat down like that and their eyes met, they started to laugh.

“This is absurd”, Beomgyu chuckled as they calmed down again.

“Last ones standing”, Taehyun agreed, shaking his fist in the air sarcastically.

Beomgyu shook his head in disbelief. “How is it us of all people?”

The real answer to that question was that they just had very different problems, but Taehyun simply replied: “I thought Soobin was holding the group together but turns out it’s actually you.”

“Imagine my surprise when I found out today”, Beomgyu said with playfully widened eyes. “But after trying it today… Soobin is very welcome to take that role back. Or someone else, I don’t care.”

“I think you did pretty well, though.”

“I appreciate that, but literally how would you even know that? You weren’t there”, Beomgyu grinned.

But Taehyun wouldn’t let him off this easily. He felt Beomgyu could need a bit more confidence. “No, but I was there when you helped me. I think you did pretty well there. More than that, actually.”

“I’m glad to hear that, really”, Beomgyu said earnestly. “But for your own good I need you to know that I’m just pretending to know what I’m doing.”

“You’re good at pretending, then.”

“Guess I am.”

There was a short pause.

Then, Beomgyu asked, “Want to know how the talk with Yeonjun went?”

“Is it okay for you to tell me?” No matter how curious he was, some things weren’t meant to be shared.

But Beomgyu dismissively waved his hand. “I asked and he said it was okay.”

In the next minutes, Taehyun was filled in on the details of Yeonjun’s journey of self-discovery. Although he wasn’t too familiar with asexuality, he’d read of it before. Actually, he’d read so many books on different topics that it would have been a bit weird if he didn’t. He had a lot of knowledge that he’d deemed rather useless that sometimes unexpectedly came in handy in some way, shape, or form.

By the end of Beomgyu’s report, he had certainly gained even more admiration for Yeonjun. He realised that he’d never talked much to Yeonjun, let alone asked anything about his life. Usually when they all hung out together, most of the topics were light and fun, there was a lot of laughter and whenever the mood got too gloomy, someone would crack a joke or change the topic. He had always really appreciated that, because he knew very well that it was exactly what he needed. But now that he thought about it, it occurred to him how little he knew about any of them, really.

Would it be okay for him to ask about their lives when he was still unable to talk about his own?

“Taehyun?”, Beomgyu called softly. His gaze met Beomgyu’s and he could see the other searching his eyes. He must’ve been lost in thought for longer than he’d realised.

“Sorry, did you say anything?”, he asked apologetically.

“No, I didn’t. What are you thinking about?”, Beomgyu replied, still eyeing him but now with curiosity in his expression.

Taehyun pondered for a moment whether to tell the truth or lie, but once again he decided to simply go for the truth. “I don’t know anything about you. Any of you.”

“What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.”

What even were questions that were okay to ask? What did he want to know? If he was honest— everything. He’d always been curious, and learning about other peoples lives and realities was one of the most interesting things out there. But that wasn’t an answer he could give.

“Mmh that makes it a bit harder. But I think I got this.” Beomgyu pouted his lips in thought, head resting on his left hand that was propped up on the table.

“Let’s see… I like strawberries but I hate tomatoes. And seafood. I don’t have any siblings. My parents live in a town about two hours from here. My dad used to own a restaurant but he had to sell it a few years ago. But he still makes the best stews I ever had. And I’m only partially saying that because I’m biased. You should try them someday.”

He grinned at Taehyun before he continued. “My mum works in a post office and on the weekends she helps out at the local farmer’s market. She used to drag me along too to help out. The elders always said their produce sold better because of my pretty face.” Beomgyu coquettishly tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and giggled.

Without noticing at first, Taehyun took his words as an incentive to look more closely at his face, his rounded features with the straight nose and the rounded tip, his plump lips and his chocolatey eyes surrounded by long lashes that cast shadows on his cheeks. All framed by his long brown hair that tickled his shoulders. He still remembered the first time he’d looked at Beomgyu— really looked. And how he’d thought that he had the prettiest side profile that he’d ever seen.  Compared to back then, Beomgyu had become even prettier because now the dark circles under his eyes had faded enough to be overlooked and his skin had regained a healthier glow.

Yeah, he could imagine the produce selling better when he was behind the stall.

“I’ll leave it at that, because if I tell you everything now, who knows if you’ll even stay interested”, Beomgyu joked lightheartedly and took a sip from his water.

As if Taehyun needed an incentive to spend time with him when he simply enjoyed his company.

“Thank you for telling me all that”, Taehyun said. He also wanted to tell Beomgyu about himself, but he didn’t know what because everything hurt, even the simple things. He couldn’t even talk about what he liked. Let alone his family. But he couldn’t even start to form an apology because Beomgyu was faster.

“Tell me something about yourself whenever you feel ready. Not now. You have to make sure I stay interested as well, don’t you?” He grinned mischievously.

 “I will”, Taehyun replied quietly. And he meant it. Not because he felt like he had to, but because he wanted to.

And Beomgyu seemed to understand that because he beamed at him with undisguised joy. He stretched his arm up in the air and let out a freeing breath. “Aah… this is actually quite nice. This morning I thought everything was going downhill but I think it’s not too bad.”

“You handled it well.”

“Honestly, couldn’t have done it without you because I would have slammed my head onto a surface a couple of times and be taken to the healer with a head injury. But knowing that at least you’re fun around made it actually a lot more bearable”, Beomgyu remarked.

 Taehyun raised his eyebrows just a little bit. “Who would have thought that some day you would call me fun.”

Beomgyu very intentionally mirrored his expression. “Actually compared to the others right now you’re also the happiest person around, picture that.”

“And you suddenly the funniest”, he retorted.

The tease slipped out of him just like that, easy and effortlessly; and for the fraction of a second it made him hold his breath. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe because it was the first time he had initiated banter instead of being caught within one. And even in those he hadn’t usually participated much.

“What the hell?!”, Beomgyu instantly called out, eyes wide and mouth gaping open but clearly well entertained. He pointed an accusing finger at Taehyun. “You’ve been holding back this whole time? I thought maybe you’re just not the teasing type but look at you. You just waited for your opportunity.”

“Surprise”, Taehyun said as dryly as he could.

Beomgyu dramatically threw himself against the back of his chair, hand covering his mouth.

“If I’d known this was all it took to reveal your true colours, I’d have personally smashed Yeonjun’s and Soobin’s faces together myself.” He mimed the motion with dramatic flair, hands shoving two invisible heads together.

Taehyun laughed and with every laugh that bubbled out of him he realised more and more how much easier everything had suddenly become. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t like before— and probably never would be again because things like what he’d experienced just change a person. But now, instead of mourning his life and the person he had been, he started to believe that he could go on to live like this. That life could actually just go on.

After that moment, although he was still exhausted, he didn’t just stay because he couldn’t be alone but rather because he simply wanted to spend even more time with Beomgyu. So, the evening moved on as they watched the sun dip lower, casting long shadows through the tall windows of the cafeteria that slowly emptied itself until they were some of the last ones left. They didn’t rush to leave. Instead, they just… talked.

Not about anything particularly deep—that book they all hated until Taehyun showed them how to use it, the time Beomgyu got stuck in a cupboard during first-year orientation, some argument Taehyun vaguely remembered overhearing in the library. They swapped stories, made dumb jokes, and occasionally lapsed into comfortable silence.

It wasn’t what they said that mattered, really. It was how easy it became to say it.

Taehyun wasn’t sure when it had happened, when the fear had quieted enough to let moments like this in. But sitting there, surrounded by the hum of an ending day and Beomgyu’s quiet laughter, he let himself just…

Be.