Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So you were just going to leave without telling me?”

“I was hoping to avoid this conversation.”

Sasuke stopped packing his dark brown messenger bag, not that he had many belongings to fill the leather bag. He didn’t turn from the bed they shared, still pretending as if he were focused on preparations when he was almost drowning in feelings left unexpressed. He’d planned his departure weeks ago, timing it just right to avoid a confrontation. Naruto loved him, and he knew that, but that didn’t change how he felt about the village, about the people in the village, and asking him to stay would have been cruel, selfish, and unthinkable. There wasn’t much Naruto could say to him, and he’d hoped to deprive Naruto of the chance at all. Because he knew Naruto could unintentionally manipulate him into staying. He did love Naruto, as much as he could love another person, but love wasn’t enough. And he didn’t want to say that Naruto’s love wasn’t enough. It was just as cruel, just as selfish, and just as unthinkable. All he could smell was mandarin and orange blossom. It was an uncontrollable response. The omega was upset, emotionally devastated, and over him, always over him.

Naruto wasn’t a stereotypical omega, so he wasn’t surprised when the boy marched over to him, grabbed his shoulder, and forced him to turn around. They fought. They knew exactly how to fight. But only with fists. They never knew what to say when they tried to talk through their problems. Naruto shook with barely contained rage, even as the man’s eyes filled with tears. They’d had three months together, three months of ups and downs, three months of feeling truly connected to another person. After nineteen months in jail, the remaining elders and his former sensei had made Naruto his keeper, something that had nearly ruined their relationship. Naruto was supposed to rehabilitate him, to make him into a functional, socially acceptable, human being. That had been a catastrophic failure. Naruto loved him unconditionally, so there was no attempt to make him into a new man. Kakashi wanted him to work like a dog for the village, as if his cooperation would erase everything he’d said and done to oppose the village. There was talk of forced bonding and breeding, and rather than put someone in that position, rather than put himself in that position, he chose to leave.

He didn’t want to be bound to Sakura, and he didn’t want her to bear his pups. And that was his sole option. He was the village stain, the shadows clinging to the buried horrors of Konoha’s past. Kakashi had been kind enough to lie to him when he’d demanded answers. Naruto was too busy training to be the next Hokage. Naruto wouldn’t have time for him. Excuses colored every interaction until he finally voiced his decision to leave. And even then, he wasn’t free. He had another keeper waiting for him. Konoha would never let him go, and severing the ties on his own promised complications that would ultimately hurt Naruto. He didn’t want Naruto to choose him over the village, and his heart told him that Naruto would always choose him. Naruto’s dream mattered much more than him. The world needed Naruto. But it didn’t stop the pain that emanated from his heart when he saw the tears in Naruto’s blue eyes. Naruto had a bright future, and he refused to ruin that, not again.

“You bastard! I’d just come home and what, find your shit all gone?” Naruto squeezed both of his shoulders and roughly shook him twice, as if shaking him would force the truth from him. Neither of them felt any better. He knew that his departure would hurt Naruto, no matter how he chose to handle it. There was no clean break for them. There had never been a clean break for them. “What about, what about telling me that stuff! You know, that you love me, that I’m your soulmate! Were you just lying to me?” He looked away when the combination of Naruto’s tears and the suffocating scent of mandarin and orange blossom became too much for him. No answer would ever be enough, but he hadn’t lied.

“Naruto, I didn’t lie to you, but I can’t, I can’t be here anymore,” he stressed, unable to look at Naruto’s tear-stained face. Naruto placed both hands on his cheeks and forced him to look into those blue eyes. And he almost told the truth in its entirety, almost coughed up his jumbled thoughts and feelings. Konoha would never be home. His home was a person, and he was too broken and unworthy to have him. His alpha was restless, wounded, betrayed, threatening to introduce anger into the equation. “I can’t just sit here and wait for change. There’s always some excuse or some strings attached. I’m not some slave to this damn village. I’m not taking orders from people who had a say in the death of my clan. I need out, usuratonkachi.”

“Change takes time! I’m learning as fast as I can! I’m trying!” His expression softened when Naruto took responsibility for something that wasn’t his fault. Sasuke knew that Naruto was learning, that Naruto was a shitty student and approached every situation with feelings rather than logic. He brushed the tears from Naruto’s cheeks with his thumb. “So I’m just supposed to say goodbye? Why is it always ‘goodbye’ with us?” Sasuke wondered the same thing. He wondered why they were destined to meet just to part, over and over again. He pressed a series of kisses to Naruto’s lips, memorizing the feel of them, even tainted by tears, even drowning in the scent of mandarin and orange blossom. He didn’t know when his own scent had flared and intermixed with Naruto’s, but he smelled pepper, clove, and cedar.

Sasuke couldn’t promise the man that he would be back when he didn’t know what his future held. There was a space for him to say that their goodbye was a temporary one, that he would return, but he let the brief moment pass. His hand went to the scent gland on the left side of Naruto’s neck and he brushed his fingers over it. His jaw ached with the need to bite the spot, to draw blood, to leave his first and only scar on the man’s skin, but he took a shaky breath and let his hand fall. Naruto released his shoulders, but they still faced one another. His meeting time was quickly approaching, but he didn’t care about being on time. The person would wait and get over it. He didn’t want Naruto to move on, but that was the only advice he could give to the man. Naruto was his soulmate, the deepest bond he’d ever had, the deepest bond he would ever have, but he permanently tainted their bond the moment he resumed packing.

The bag wouldn’t carry much, but that wasn’t a concern for him. Naruto began suggesting items to pack, subtly mocking him when he chose only practical items. He didn’t need a winter cloak in the heat of August, but Naruto still tried to convince him to pack one; he didn’t need an extra pair of sandals, but Naruto still insisted his old ones would give out on him and he would regret it; he didn’t need a variety of weapons, but Naruto still kept throwing kunai and shuriken into the bag, nearly shredding the change of clothes he’d packed. And he knew that Naruto only wanted to dote on him. His omega cared. To make the separation easier for both of them, he allowed Naruto to fill two storage scrolls with items he would likely never use. Naruto didn’t need to walk him to the gate, but the man refused to listen to him when he insisted it would be easier if he didn’t have to watch him walk away. Sasuke only relented when Naruto threatened to break his only arm as a parting gift.

He hadn’t told Sakura about his departure because she still hoped he would choose her as his mate. But Kakashi had informed her. She stood at the gate and smiled at him as he approached, and he couldn’t find it in him to treat her poorly. They had some kind of friendship, though he purposely kept distance between them. When Naruto saw his handler for the mission, Naruto grinned and ran ahead, leaving him to slowly approach on his own. Neji had a brown backpack on his back and he nodded in greeting, setting the tone for the beginning of their journey. There was an understanding between them. Neji wouldn’t interfere with his attempt at making peace with his past and moving on from the present, and he wouldn’t cause mass destruction.

“So make sure he takes the melatonin for sleep or he’ll stay up all night and pass out in the middle of the day. Oh, and make sure he eats regularly because there’s nothing cool about being malnourished. Oh, and if you eat at restaurants, he really likes homemade food, because he’s prissy like that. Oh, and,” Naruto rambled, listing things off with the use of his fingers. Neji nodded at the instructions, but everyone knew Neji wasn’t going to look after Sasuke. That wasn’t the arrangement. Naruto only shut up when Sasuke placed his hand over the man’s mouth.

“I can take care of myself, usuratonkachi. Try not to burn the apartment down while I’m gone.” He knew the statement would give Naruto hope, a small lifeline to the possibility of his return. Naruto kissed his palm and he quickly moved his hand, embarrassed at the public display of affection. “Thank you,” he added. He could never thank Naruto enough. Naruto squeezed the air from his lungs in a bone-crushing hug, and he rested his face against Naruto’s neck, right over the scent gland he would never get to mark.

“Will you write to us?” Sakura had been silent throughout the entire exchange, so her voice was quiet when she interrupted. She asked a question he didn’t have an answer for, one he should have had an answer for. He’d signed a contract with snakes and hawks, so delivering letters would never be an issue. But communicating with Sakura and Naruto would only make them miss him more. “It’s okay if you can’t! We know you’ll be busy! And who knows where your travels will take you!” He didn’t want to end the hug with Naruto, but he found himself pulling away. She laughed and he knew it was fake, a quick attempt at masking her own insecurities. She loved him too, in her own way.

“I’ll try,” he replied, hesitant to give her a definite answer. They were all barely holding themselves together, and while it was obvious, they chose not to mention it. Neji observed the entire exchange with a frown, but the man never tried to rush him. He glanced at Kakashi, but he didn’t say anything to the man. Sadly, that didn’t deter the man from offering unwanted parting words.

“Be safe out there. Remember what we talked about, hm?”

“Hn.”

Neji looked between them, but Sasuke turned his back to Kakashi and gave the Hyuga a warning look. He didn’t want to field questions about the unpleasant conversations he’d held with the elders and Kakashi. Neji wouldn’t understand. Naruto told him to go, the parting word spoken softly, shared between them. Naruto nudged a wrapped bundle against his chest, so he grabbed the bundle by the knot keeping the cloth closed, then he pressed his forehead against Naruto’s. He communicated everything through that gesture. And then he walked away again. He only knew how to walk away. Even though it always seemed effortless on his part, it was never true. He felt as if he were ripping out his own heart, setting it on fire, and spitting on the ashes with every step he took. He kept his head held high because he would never show the fact that he felt so weak. Neji didn’t need to know his thoughts or feelings. That wasn’t the arrangement. He’d once been accustomed to hiding from the people around him, so he drew on old habits.

Neji didn’t try to speak to him until the hot afternoon bled into a balmy night that threatened thunderstorms with each passing hour. Neji noted that it was getting late, and he hummed in agreement. That was the extent of their communication. He simply stopped walking, then Neji slowed to a stop and joined him beneath the cover of a twisting, hulking oak tree. He sat with crossed legs and untied the knot on the cloth bundle, revealing three prepared okaka onigiri. Naruto had molded the onigiri by hand because they were slightly misshapen, and that made his chest ache. Wordlessly, he offered one of the onigiri to Neji, then they ate together for the first time in their lives. They knew next to nothing about one another, but neither of them rushed into a conversation to remedy the fact. Kakashi had chosen Neji, while the elders had wanted Sai. The decision seemed like one made with his best interests at heart, but Kakashi had mentioned that Sai was going to propose to Ino and babysitting him would have ruined the man’s future. Apparently, Neji had no such future.

“No one said goodbye to you.”

“Because I left without telling them.”

“At least one of us succeeded with that.”

“It's Naruto. You never stood a chance.”

He felt secure beneath the shadows created by the moon occasionally peeking through the growing number of clouds. He didn't have to pretend that he had no feelings. He didn't have to pretend that he was anything other than a man. So he allowed himself to smile, to think fondly of the life he'd briefly shared with Naruto. Neji handed him the cloth wrap containing the last onigiri and he silently accepted it, eating it even though he wasn't hungry. He felt close to Naruto again, at least until the final onigiri was gone. With Neji, he wasn't entirely alone, even if they were both terrible at communicating their relief to have someone, anyone, there. Sasuke would never forget the reason for Neji's presence, but he could acknowledge that he would have likely gone half mad if he'd been traveling alone. He knew what insanity felt like, and he was in no rush to greet his old friend.

“Why would you agree to this mission?”

“I don't want to be near my clan,” Neji replied, taking the cloth from him to fold it into a neat square. He accepted the cloth back and put it into his bag for safe keeping. The cloth smelled like Naruto, and he wanted to hold onto that scent for as long as possible. “Hinata-sama will never fully recover from the injury sustained while saving my life. Naturally, they all hate me now. I don't care how long this mission of yours stretches on. I'd rather be here than there.”

“And if it doesn't end?” He knew what awaited him in Konoha, and he didn't want to hand his life over to the broken system comprising their government. Maybe it was about freedom. Maybe it was about some backwards attempt at happiness. Or forgiveness. Or acceptance. Or living again, just living again. He could feel Neji's eyes boring holes into the side of his head, as if staring hard enough, staring long enough, would reveal his unsightly inner workings.

“Then it seems we both prefer running away to actually solving our problems.”

“I'll take the first watch.”

“I’m fine. Take your melatonin.”

“Hn.”

Chapter Text

He managed to get four hours of decent sleep before the nightmares started, and by then, the weather had taken a turn. The air was sharp with the scent of summer rain and the charge echoing through the atmosphere. Thunder warned of incoming lightning, and he looked forward to the overhead display that reminded him of the safety and control he felt while using his lightning release. Neji felt differently about the impending thunderstorm. When the man insisted they find better cover, he relented. The rain had already begun to penetrate the tree leaves and he didn't want to trudge through the following day weighed down with the remnants of rainwater. Neji found a home in the distance, and even though he knew they wouldn't make it to the home before the lightning started, he agreed to head in that direction.

Halfway there, the rain began to fall in sheets, instantly soaking them. Neji's hair became thin and stringy, darkness buried in darkness, reminding Sasuke of night simply draped over the man. He knew he didn't look much better. Their bags and the contents within would make it through the storm without issue, but they would have to hang their clothes to dry to prevent a musty smell that would cling to the fabric. The home suddenly seemed more appealing. There was no point in speaking when the thunder and the constant beat of the rain drowned out everything else, so Neji grabbed the edge of his cloak and tugged him into a run. His bag bumped against his side with every step, but the storm swallowed that noise in the way that it swallowed the sound of their footfalls.

Neji wanted to knock on the door, so he allowed the man to knock three times before he forced the locked door open with his right shoulder. The door had more than one lock, but both of them hung from the back of the door, broken by his repeated hits. Neji closed the door behind them, and he surveyed the empty living space. There were two floors to the home, and he couldn't see or hear anyone else in the old home. He thought that Neji would announce their arrival, but they both decided to scout out their temporary home as if they were in enemy territory. He took the second floor, and he checked the two bedrooms and bathroom without issue. The beds and furniture in the two bedrooms had been covered in layers of plastic to ward off dust, and the water and electricity had been cut off.

“Clear.” He heard Neji say the word, so he echoed it as he descended the stairs. Neji had found candles and matches, along with kitchen cabinets stocked with some canned goods. Neji lit one candle and placed it on the kitchen counter, giving them some light so they could see one another while they conversed. “I think we should stay the night. We can leave it as we found it or leave some ryo if we eat any of the food. What do you think?”

“What is that smell?” He took several deep breaths and held the air in his lungs. The air smelled like jasmine and leather, and he couldn't remember encountering the scent while exploring the upstairs. Neji placed a hand over the scent gland on the right side of his neck. “Oh. It's you.” Sasuke winced when he realized he sounded disappointed. It was rude. And while he normally wouldn't have cared, he knew he had to live with Neji for an undetermined length of time. They couldn't afford to make one another unhappy.

“The rainwater loosened one of my scent blockers enough that I had to remove it. I haven't had the chance to replace it.”

“Don't bother.”

“It hasn't been long. My scent is still strong. I don't want to bother you.”

“Oh. That.” He shifted on his feet, unsure of how to handle discussing Neji's rut. They would have to discuss the uncomfortable subject at some point. They were both alphas, so there was a risk that they could trigger aggression if they were together during a rut. “It's,” he stopped, still struggling, “fine.” Neji lowered the hand shielding the man's right scent gland and he tried not to focus on the scent that slowly filled the kitchen. He liked the scent. He refused to tell Neji he liked the scent. Hesitantly, Neji reached up and removed the other blocker that had begun to peel.

“I'll replace them before we leave. Let me know if my scent bothers you before then,” Neji said, turning towards one of the cabinets to retrieve some canned fruit. Sasuke stared at the back of Neji's head, trying to understand how the man smelled so good. “I'm making you uncomfortable. I can smell you.” He openly stared at the ceiling in case Neji looked back at him. He wasn't uncomfortable at all. He wanted to continue deep breathing to fill his nostrils with the man's scent.

“I'm not uncomfortable.”

“Are you close?”

“I'd rather not discuss that right now. I don't know you.”

Still, he tried to recall when he'd had a rut. He'd been experiencing it when he'd reunited with Naruto at Orochimaru's base, but also during the summit. At Orochimaru's base, Naruto's scent had driven him insane with the need to claim the man in front of everyone there. He hadn't experienced a rut so strong since then, but that was just a typical late presentation. He'd thought that the constant experiments combined with his growing mental instability had left him incapable of having another. Maybe he was broken. That was easier to accept. His rut was pointless without a partner or a mate. He would just grit his teeth and ignore it. Suppressants didn't work as well on alphas. When he opened his mouth to share that he wasn't sure where he stood, Neji held up two cans of fruit. He had the choice between fruit cocktail and peaches. He loved pears, so he chose the fruit cocktail and caught the can tossed at him.

“You should have stayed with your mate.”

“He's not my mate.”

“He's not your mate?”

“No. He's not. It's complicated, and it's none of your business.” Neji located a can opener and he joined the man at the counter to get help opening his fruit cocktail. He'd been short, words spoken like daggers thrown between them, so he sighed as he watched Neji open the can of peaches. “I didn't mean to snap at you. I would have taken Naruto in a heartbeat, but,” he trailed off. He placed his can on the counter and Neji began opening it too.

“Hinata-sama was my intended mate. She's in love with Naruto, and now there's no chance for us. Things happen that are out of our control. Things change, Sasuke,” Neji replied, sounding every bit the knowledgeable one between them. Sasuke took the open can Neji offered him, then he mumbled his thanks. “Let's eat. I don't want you being malnourished.”

“I hate you.”

They moved the plastic sheet from over the couch and sat down on the green cushions to eat their fruit. The moment they began eating, the light show began, with lightning jumping between clouds and cutting across the sky. He saw one instance of cloud to ground lightning, and it was magnificent, lighting up the interior of the home in the way that their lone candle couldn’t. It was as if he could still feel the charged atmosphere, and he noticed the way the curtains on the living room windows slowly swayed, showing that the windows weren’t fully sealed. Even with the alluring scent of jasmine and leather crowding the room, he could smell the air. He wanted to get closer to the storm, to do more than peer through the open curtains at the night sky, but he settled for staring out of the window. Beside him, Neji watched the same scene, but he doubted the man felt the same pull he felt. He didn’t think Neji used any lightning release, but he’d never asked, only reinforcing the fact that they knew little about one another.

He looked down at the remainder of his fruit, where he’d placed the can between his knees to use chopsticks to pluck the fruit from the can. He’d had time to get used to using chopsticks with his right hand, but it was still tricky for him. When he kept dropping a slippy cherry, Neji reached over, plucked the cherry from the can, and presented it to him. And he could only think of a time when he was twelve years old and suffering in the darkness, where he’d shared his food with Naruto. He never thought he would miss those days, but he did. He parted his lips and leaned forward to take the cherry from Neji’s chopsticks, then he hummed at the taste. The juice was slightly sweet and the cherry made his tongue tingle, but he could handle the sweetness of fruit. Again, he mumbled his thanks, and Neji nodded in response. It was an odd moment, but one that made him think they could make something of their forced proximity. Maybe they would get along. Maybe they would become friends.

After they finished their fruit, they emptied the leftover juice into the kitchen sink, careful to pour it directly down the drain. Their next mission was finding a safe place to sleep. It went without saying that they would be sharing a room, so Neji volunteered to move the twin-size mattress from the second bedroom into the master bedroom. He didn’t care where he slept, but he was slightly annoyed when Neji offered to take the twin mattress. Neji would have to sleep on the floor. He made a note that he would take the floor the next time they encountered one bed. He unhooked the black cloak that he wore over his clothes, thankful to be rid of the extra garment, then he laid it out over the edge of the vanity mirror. Slowly, they began to undress until they were left in their underwear. He’d shied away from revealing his left arm to anyone, but there was no point in hiding it from Neji. So he wasn’t surprised when he felt Neji eyeing him.

“Does it hurt?”

“Sometimes.” He glanced over his shoulder as he pulled the sheet of plastic from over the bed, revealing the made bed underneath. He’d never told anyone about the phantom limb pain. He didn’t want to upset Naruto when they were both responsible for his predicament. As if on cue, lightning lit up the dark room and the air leaking through the poorly sealed bedroom window put out their candle. “No one knows, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone.” There was an underlying message that he would make their time together unbearable if Neji chose to ignore his request. But there was a silent reminder that they really had no one to tell. They were alone.

“It’s your decision, so I’ll respect that,” Neji replied, finally looking away from him. With their clothing laid out to dry, they settled on their temporary beds and tried to find a comfortable position. He’d never been very good at sleeping in foreign places, but Neji seemed fine. The room was too hot and the blankets seemed scratchy against his skin, so he tossed and turned for several minutes. “Do you need more melatonin?” He wrinkled his nose at the suggestion, bristling at the thought of Neji adopting some caring role in his life. Naruto was the only one he could tolerate doting on him.

“It’s hot.”

“The thunderstorm will help the temperature. Throw the covers off.”

“I’m used to sleeping in the nude.”

“Absolutely not.”

Sasuke snorted.

Chapter Text

He woke up before dawn, and the room was even hotter, something he didn't think was possible. Outside, the evening thunderstorms had given way to steady, soaking rain, and he was tempted to stand outside and bask in the cool rain and the light breeze. He'd kicked off the cover and sheet that had clung to his sweaty body, but the mattress held his heat, making escape impossible. When he was able to overlook the heat, he noticed the fact that the room was saturated in his scent, with pepper, clove, and cedar like a cloud gently embracing him. He'd slipped into his rut. The realization was there and gone, replaced by irritation and the sudden urge to blame Naruto, even though Naruto had nothing to do with his predicament. He was unprepared to deal with a full-blown rut, but he would endure the worst and keep moving. He'd done it twice before, once when Naruto had found him in Orochimaru's lair, and once when he'd confronted the kage at the summit. Both times, he'd survived, pulling through without satiating his carnal desires. And he would do it again.

Neji was still asleep on the other mattress, oblivious to the fact that he was greedily inhaling jasmine and leather as if he were starving. His behavior made no sense to him. Scrubbing his hand over his face, he let out a frustrated sigh and risked a glance at Neji. When the man began to stir, Sasuke realized he'd have to explain himself, even though the thought of admitting he was in his rut was embarrassing. Briefly, he considered the easy option of gaslighting Neji, but he brushed that idea aside when he remembered that they were essentially stuck together for the foreseeable future. He saw the moment when Neji noticed his strong scent, and he quickly looked away. He didn't think he had a bad scent, but other alphas could react poorly. He didn't feel like fighting at five o'clock in the morning.

“Hm.”

“Not a damn word.”

“Maybe we should turn back.”

“I'm fine.”

“You really plan on continuing while you're like this? What if you catch the scent of an omega? What if you get aggressive?”

“I'm feeling aggressive right now because of this pointless conversation,” he growled, throwing a glare over his shoulder. He could feel the man staring at him. He could imagine the disapproving frown. Snapping at Neji would only reinforce the idea that he needed to isolate for the full five days, and he wanted to put as much distance as possible between Konoha and them. Biting down on his lower lip, he decided to speak to Neji as if he were speaking to Naruto, someone he genuinely cared about, someone he didn’t want to hurt. “I'm fine. I'll deal with it. This isn't my first time.” He wanted mandarin and orange blossom, but every inhale gave him endless jasmine and leather. He’d never spent his rut with another person, and he’d wanted to spend it with Naruto. He needed to move on.

“You mean you’ve never isolated before? How, you just kept going? It can be painful.” Neji sounded confused, so he slowly moved away from the side of the bed and pulled his legs back onto the mattress. Everyone knew that ruts and heats could be painful, sometimes downright debilitating, but he’d known pain for years. Physical pain was something he could endure. His rut would end. “Sasuke, no, never mind,” Neji decided. He arched his brow at the man, contemplating demanding to know the rest of what Neji had wanted to say. He waved his hand, urging Neji to continue with the thought. “You’ve never,” Neji trailed off, unable to meet his eyes.

“Just spit it out.”

“What do you do during your rut?”

“I train.”

“You,” Neji started, squinting at the mere thought. He scowled at the way the man’s face seemed to twist, almost as if the man had tasted something sour. They both knew the correct way to handle ruts because it was taught by one’s parents and by instructors at the academy. Sasuke recalled being embarrassed both times. “You train,” Neji stated, voice flat. Neji had clearly never tried to work through the worst of a rut, which meant the man likely spent the five days touching himself. Sasuke licked his lips. “You know it’s perfectly acceptable, even healthy to,” Neji trailed off again, “do something completely different.” Sasuke smirked, silently wondering if he could get Neji to say the words, to bring up the fact that it was normal to masturbate or have sex.

“What is ‘completely different’ to you, Neji? What ‘completely different’ thing do you do?”

“I crochet.”

“Liar.”

“Things are different now. You’ll rest for five days,” Neji decided. He bristled at the man making a decision on his behalf when he was accustomed to relying on physical activity to keep him grounded. They couldn’t afford to sit around for five days. And the room was bordering on the temperatures in the deepest depths of hell. He winced when a bit of sweat went into his right eye. “I would offer to spar with you, but I have a feeling you’d lose your temper and try to murder me. That would end poorly for you.” He sat up straighter and asked himself if he’d misheard the man. Neji thought he would lose in a fight. The only person who stood a chance against him was currently in Konoha.

“Prove it.” His expression was serious, daring the man to back out after making such a bold statement. He knew he would likely lose his temper, but he wasn’t going to slip into a state of recklessness. Neji stood and began gathering his own clothing, so he slid off the bed and did the same. “You can make the rules,” he said, pulling on his shirt. Neji threw his pants at his feet, then continued dressing. He wanted a real fight, but he knew they didn’t have quick access to medical treatment if they happened to go too far with one another. He didn’t want to put Neji in the hospital.

“No dojutsu.”

“You can fight without it?”

“You saw me fight one time. I was thirteen.”

“I only needed to see it once.”

They stood near the bedroom door, both of them absorbed in their conversation. Sasuke didn't think he said anything odd, but Neji's mouth closed and the man stared at him with an intensity that made him avert his eyes. He hated that look. He'd seen that look every day for years. Orochimaru had that look whenever they interacted, always that look, like he was something interesting in one of the man's petri dishes. It reminded him of the experiments he'd suffered through for the sake of power. Sometimes he'd become so sick that he was bedridden. Those memories were best left to rot in the back of his mind. They only chose to resurface and cripple him at the worst times, like that moment, when Neji just looked at him. He brushed past the man and went downstairs, where he waited by the door. Neji came down several minutes later, carrying his sheathed sword. There were no words exchanged as Neji handed him the sword, but neither of them needed to speak to hold a conversation. He'd been so focused on leaving the room that he'd forgotten his sword.

In the end, he chose to lean it against the wall by the front door. He wanted to see what jutsu Neji could perform, so there was an unspoken agreement to use strictly ninjutsu. And there was nothing he enjoyed more than using lightning release in battle. He wrote his arrogance off as confidence and offered his hand for the seal of confrontation. The last time he'd formed the seal, he'd been fighting Naruto. Neji finished the seal, then the fight began. In the pouring rain, they made a total mess of themselves and the field of wildflowers in the back of the house. Neji liked testing his patience with earth walls, and he liked obliterating them by slamming his lightning charged fist through them. It was a tactic in itself, and he knew that. Neji wanted to anger him, playing on the fact that alphas could lose control, but he wasn't a stereotypical alpha, so that didn't work. After earth release, Neji turned to water release, so he turned to fire release.

The fight became more about learning one another, so he eventually asked to see the byakugan in action. He stood there, panting, soaked to the bone, watching Neji just move. Fluid movements and chakra release interrupted the falling rain. He watched with his sharingan and rinnegan, though not to ever mimic the movements, not when it was almost pointless without the byakugan. He had Neji repeat a move several times just to see the chakra emitted and shaped. He learned to attack to see more of the revolving heaven defense. The stronger he hit, the stronger the force was repelled. It was dizzying, but he found himself smiling. Naruto would have tried impaling him with a rasengan. Effective, but not as entertaining. Neji was the last to realize he was content standing in the cool rain. They'd crushed almost all of the wildflowers, and there was no way they could ever compensate the homeowners enough for the ugly sight, but he felt better, calmer.

“You were staring at me for almost an hour. What did you even get out of that?”

“You've improved a lot over the years, and I enjoyed your Eight Trigrams Palms: Revolving Heaven.”

“You would have seen it years ago if you had shown up to the chunin exams in a timely manner.”

“Yeah. Kakashi thought it would be cool to show up fashionably late. He had some fun and I didn't have to deal with idiots for an extended period of time. Win-win.” He tipped his head back and let the rain hit his face, savoring the chill brought on by the cold rain. But the moment of peace didn’t last. He recalled the rain he’d barely registered following his first major fight with Naruto, how it had penetrated his clothes but he still didn’t feel a thing. It was the first time he’d said goodbye to Naruto. One out of many. “Let’s go inside. I’m not burning up anymore,” he mumbled, blinking away the rain that had clung to his eyelashes. He turned first, then they left the field together.

Chapter Text

The second day was absolute hell, so he stayed in bed, spread out across the mattress like a starfish lost in the depths. Neji left him alone during the morning hours, but his own inability to care for himself had the man constantly knocking on the bedroom door, checking up on him as if he were a dying patient. He’d snapped at the man three times before he finally accepted that Neji wasn’t going to leave him alone. Neji was smart enough not to open the door, which meant they could avoid an awkward encounter. He didn’t want Neji seeing him with a prominent bulge in his briefs. So he settled for dragging himself out of bed just long enough to accept the food and drinks left on a tray outside of the room. He had to admit that returning to Konoha just to repeatedly fuck Naruto over the course of days sounded like a fantastic idea, even better with every passing second. But he always returned to his starfish position, resigned to riding out the worst of it alone.

On the third day, in the middle of the afternoon, he accidentally opened the bedroom door before Neji had the chance to slip away. He breathed in deeply, but he couldn't detect even the barest hint of jasmine. He grabbed the front of Neji's top and dragged the man closer, where he rudely nudged his nose against the scent blocker stuck over the right side of the man's neck. Neji froze, waiting for the inevitable moment when he would react violently, but he prodded the sticker with his tongue. When clarity struck him like an errant slap, he eased the iron grip he had on Neji's top and pulled back, muttering his apology in the tight space that existed between their bodies. They both knew that touching him, even to push him further away, could make things worse, so Neji took a step back. Sasuke reacted by taking a step forward. His alpha instincts told him that Neji was showing submission that he could exploit. He showed dominance that paired with his flare of annoyance.

“I can't smell you.”

“I can't smell anything but you.”

“You should go.”

“Then why did you take another step toward me?” He clenched his fist at his side and carefully took a step back, then he watched some of the tension bleed out of Neji's stiff posture. The increase in the distance between them did nothing for the overall tension between them. Neji looked down at the tray he'd stepped over in his desire to get closer. “I can go get Naruto,” Neji offered, causing his thoughts to immediately jump to the blonde omega. And he had many thoughts to sort through, many dirty, unthinkable scenarios that would have made him blush, if he weren't so heavily lost in his rut.

“He'll expect me to go back. I can't go back.”

“I'm not above knocking you unconscious.”

“I'd really like to see you try.”

They both knew that introducing overt aggression into the scenario wouldn’t end well for either of them. But his alpha told him to push Neji, to see how far he could go before the other alpha reacted, to see who would win when it came to dominance. He took another step back, trying to ignore the silent chant encouraging him to close the distance between them. His mind left him with a blank space when he tried to decipher what it was he hoped to achieve. Neji wanted him to rest, but he felt on edge. Tossing and turning for hours on end only made him feel worse. Normally, he would have resorted to training, but he didn’t want to train—he wanted to provoke Neji. Just the thought of drawing a heated reaction from the man made him feel half gone with delight. And it was his rut again, which kept him from taking three steps forward, from crossing the imaginary line between them, from sinking his teeth into Neji’s throat. The thought had him staring into Neji's light-colored eyes, wondering if Neji had reached the same realization. There was something wrong with him.

“Resting clearly isn’t working,” Neji decided, as if they both needed to hear the truth aloud. At the moment, he didn’t know how he’d ever survived his ruts without roughly claiming someone. He stopped breathing through his nose when his mind conjured the memory of jasmine and leather. He wanted Neji, and he told himself it was all about proximity and nothing to do with his interest in another alpha. “Sasuke?” Despite the concern in Neji’s voice, the man didn’t close any of the distance between them, and he was thankful.

“It’s your scent,” he tried to explain, looking at the scent blocker on the left side of Neji’s neck. He could imagine ripping that patch off with his teeth and lapping at Neji’s skin. Jasmine. Leather. His mouth watered. He closed his eyes and reached blindly for the doorknob, knowing he needed to close himself into the room before he did something incredibly stupid. “I remember your scent.”

“You like my scent.” There was no inflection, no hint at a question. He watched Neji reach for the scent blocker patch, the one covering the man's left scent gland, and he gripped the doorknob in anticipation. He was doomed, and he knew that. The moment he smelled jasmine, he relaxed and inched forward, hand slipping off the doorknob. “I didn't think you would be the type. It's heavily frowned upon. If you bite me, I will castrate you. I'm not joking. Growl at me all you want, Uchiha.”

He stopped growling the moment he nudged the tray aside to press himself against Neji. He didn't rub himself against the man, but it was a latent desire. Nose pressed against Neji's scent gland, he took several deep breaths, making peace with the fact that Neji only wanted him to scent. And he wasn't entirely gone, though the combination of jasmine and leather left him feeling half drunk. Hesitantly, he rested his hand in the center of Neji’s back and stood there in the partial embrace, content. Even though Neji was doing him a large favor, he wanted Neji to hold him too. He wanted Neji to scent him, to smell like him, to just touch him. Lips parting, he nudged his tongue against Neji's scent gland, testing the man's boundaries. Neji took a shaky breath, so he licked the spot, lapping at the man's skin as if he were starving. Neji finally held him, arms immediately encircling him, and he nudged the man backwards until he'd pinned Neji to the wall. He sucked on the man's scent gland and he heard the thud of Neji's head falling back and knocking against the wall.

“You smell amazing. You make my mouth water.”

“Do it again. Stop talking and do it again.”

His alpha told him to please his possible partner, and he chose to acknowledge and embrace his instincts. He gripped Neji's left hip and ran his tongue over the man's scent gland, pleased with the gasp that he heard, wanting to hear more sounds, to draw forth more sounds. He sucked on Neji's scent gland, lips closed around the sensitive skin, tongue tasting, and Neji moaned his name, sending heat racing through his veins. Neji warned him not to bite, but he still grazed his sharpened teeth over the man's neck, sending a shiver racing along the man's spine. He wanted to do more than scent Neji. He wanted to do more than taste Neji's skin. He wanted to take Neji, and that realization made him moan, because that was a wonderful idea, something that would please them both.

He pulled back and saw Neji's eyes and parted lips and disheveled hair and everything in him screamed mine while simultaneously reminding him that Neji wasn't just some quick fuck, someone to be used and discarded. He only needed to touch Neji a little more. He only needed to kiss Neji with reckless abandon. He wanted to. He needed to. And Neji touched him over his boxer briefs and he moved his hips to grind his hard cock against the man's palm. The wonderful idea was a terrible idea. The lust coursing through their veins would fade, and they would have to deal with the aftermath of their actions. No rational thoughts kept him from smashing his lips onto Neji's in a bruising kiss that had too much teeth and not enough tongue. Neji's fingertips slid over the outline of his cock and he panted between their kisses, roughly thrusting into Neji's hand, trying to get every ounce of the man's attention. He knew Neji would never suck him off, because the man was giving him too much already.

“This is a horrible idea,” Neji shared, words rushed when their lips parted to allow them to breathe. He didn't stop grinding against the man's palm, even though he agreed. Their kissing resumed, only adding to the growing feeling sitting low in his belly. “Suck on my neck again. Do it hard. I like it. I'll let you take your boxers off.”

Neji moaned his name the moment he sucked on the man's scent gland. He barely resisted the urge to bury his sharp teeth into the man's skin, even though he knew neither of them would ever be ready to share that kind of bond. While Neji palmed him through his boxers, he tested the waters by letting his hand dip between Neji's legs, and he felt that Neji was hard too, and all from his attention, from the marks Neji would wear for days. And just the thought satisfied him. Neji stopped his wandering hand, but he continued sucking on the man's neck. Neji shoved him back and he stared at the man in confusion. Neji didn't look upset, and he'd only done what the man requested. He was playing nice, even though he wanted to fuck Neji's perfect mouth. Neji snagged his hand and dragged him into the bedroom, then the man slammed the door closed and dipped fingers into the waistband of his boxers. He swallowed hard and hurriedly nodded, then he sighed once his cock was free. He'd neglected it, refused to touch himself in a bid to find relief.

“Have you ever been with someone before, Neji?”

“I'm with you right now.”

“Yeah, you are. What are the chances of you sucking me off?”

“Now you're pushing it.”

“Hn. I thought it was better than saying I want to knot you.”

Neji spit into his own hand and used it to ease the friction from the rough strokes on his hard cock. He fucked into Neji's hand, until it was just him thrusting into the man's fist over and over again. He had his eyes closed, so he wasn't expecting Neji to kiss his neck. At first, he didn't know how to react, because he'd only been with Naruto, an omega. Having another alpha around his scent gland made him uncomfortable, and he was sure it was his rut, the fact that another alpha was seemingly pursuing him. He growled and Neji kissed his neck again. With the combination of his rising frustration and the overwhelming pleasure, he clenched his eyes shut and tilted his head, fully exposing his scent gland, hoping Neji would make him feel good. Neji parted his lips and licked the man's neck, then he closed his mouth around Sasuke's scent gland and sucked on it hard. Sasuke shouted Neji's name as he came, hurriedly rocking into Neji's hand. His cum coated Neji's fingers and palm, and the man frowned at the wet mess. He rested his head against Neji, right on the man's shoulder, so he panted into the man's shirt.

“Can you get off of me?”

“Shut up or I won't suck you off.”

“You'd do that?”

“Yeah. You helped me, and you'll continue helping me, right?” He winced when he recognized the slight growl, the hidden demand, but Neji didn't respond to his obvious warning tone. Pulling back, he caught Neji licking his cum off his own fingers. He slapped the hand aside, grabbed the nape of Neji's neck, and dragged the man into a bruising kiss; he forced his tongue into the man’s mouth and was rewarded with the taste of himself on the man’s tongue. When they parted, Neji wouldn’t stop licking and nipping at his lips, trying to draw him back into more kisses. “Undress. Now.” Neji growled at him and he snapped his teeth at the man, ready to engage in a fight over the rejection of his rude demand. He gripped Neji’s left hip, fingers digging into Neji’s clothing.

“Undress me,” Neji replied, staring into his eyes.

He practically ripped the clothing from Neji’s body.

Chapter Text

“You ripped my shirt.”

“Hn.”

Sasuke grabbed the torn shirt from Neji's hands and threw it over his shoulder, sending it flying into a floor lamp that tipped over and shattered. Neji took a deep breath but he busied himself by smoothing the man's hair down, revealing the seal marked on the man's forehead, solid color against flawless, pale skin. For once, they weren't focused on anything related to sex. They were content, and it was a little awkward between them. They'd never been soft with one another, and his touch was light as he brushed Neji's messy hair aside. The seal was an ugly mark, a brand that didn't belong there, a collar to the leash held by the main house. And he saw Konoha in it, his Konoha, where he could only go as far as the leash would allow. He saw the life he wanted fading away. He didn't know if Neji had feelings for Hinata or not, but he wondered; he wondered if he'd found the sole similarity that would make him feel less alone. He wanted someone who could understand exactly how he felt whenever he thought of Naruto. Fuck, he loved Naruto.

Just because they were fooling around during his rut didn't necessarily mean that anything had changed between them. He didn't fully understand what Neji gained from their time together, and when another wave of arousal hit him, he gave up on ever asking. All that mattered was getting off. So Neji took both of their cocks in hand and jerked them both off at the same time. With them facing one another, he drove his hips forward, and Neji soon copied his motions, making every smooth stroke of Neji’s palm even more electrifying. He did everything he could to fight against his growing knot, but he drew Neji into a rough kiss, where he accidentally bit the man’s lip and they shared in the taste of blood. Neji came first, covering the man’s hand and his cock in cum, and his control slipped, his knot swollen, driving him right over the edge and spilling over Neji’s hand, making a larger mess on the bed. Neji was sensitive and tried pulling away, but he drew the man forward and turned onto his back, pulling Neji against his chest so he could lick and suck on the man’s scent gland, leaving more deeply colored marks behind.

Neji whined and rubbed against him, then the man stopped, hissing at the overstimulation and the growing desire for touch. And they slowly recovered again, where Neji’s head rested in the curve of his neck, where his arm was tightly around the man. Instead of teasing his scent gland, Neji pressed light kisses to his neck, and he sighed, completely sated, for the moment. He thought he heard his stomach growl, but it was Neji’s stomach, and he squinted at the ceiling, silently wondering if they could share a meal together without him burning with the desire to fuck Neji. Neji didn’t show signs of moving, so he ran his hand along the man’s spine, causing the man to melt in his embrace. He said Neji’s name, then he ran his hand along the man’s spine for a second time, drawing a questioning hum, where Neji was exhausted from the hours they’d spent fooling around. An omega in heat would have been able to keep up with him, but Neji was an alpha fresh off his own rut. He had the desire to take care of Neji, because Neji was still his partner.

“Come on. You need something to eat,” he admitted, lightly patting Neji’s back. Neji stirred, though the man groaned while moving from atop him. They were both filthy, but he liked the sight of his cum on Neji’s skin. He had to resist the urge to growl and drag Neji back into his arms. In the following moments of complete clarity, he asked himself if they could find the shutoff for the water. “Just put your boxers on. I’m not done with you yet. I want to look for the water shutoff. Can you get us something to eat?” Neji stared at him with a raised brow, as if he’d said something wrong by admitting that he wanted to continue their heated exchanges. He shrugged his shoulders and Neji sighed.

“You know your rut wouldn't be this bad if you'd just masturbated from the beginning.”

“Well, it’s a little late. Do you need a break? I know you aren't an omega.”

“I didn't say I needed a break. You're just insatiable. I'm not even this bad.”

“Crocheting really takes it out of you.”

Neji laughed and he smirked at the nice sound, pleased that he'd drawn the pleasant laughter from the man. As Neji went to find a bath towel to clean them off, he watched the man walk away, entirely focused on Neji's ass. He had the urge to sink his teeth into it, so he sat at the end of the bed and stared at the broken pieces of the floor lamp. He only had one long day before his final day, and the final day was spent recovering and caring for his partner, who should have been his mate, who should have been Naruto. When Neji returned, he stared as the man cleaned him off with the bath towel, silently taking care of him. And he smelled nothing but jasmine and leather, nothing of mandarin and orange blossom. Neji went to gather them food, so he went in search of the shutoff. After he found it, he joined Neji in the kitchen and tested the kitchen sink. As soon as the water came from the faucet, Neji presented him with applesauce sprinkled with cinnamon, which amounted to a feast. Together, they ate by candlelight.

In their haste to find relief, they'd lost daylight, so he was treated to warm candlelight playing on Neji's face, making the man's skin glow. It was unfair how attractive Neji looked, skin colored in candlelight in the dark room and bathed in a type of delicacy he knew was false. He focused on his applesauce to avoid the guilt that always surfaced. Neji wasn't a quick fuck to be tossed aside at the end of his rut. They'd both acknowledged what they were doing was a horrible idea, but that had been shared and buried with every touch. He still hadn't processed the fact that he was attracted to another alpha. Neji had accepted his newfound preference easily and reciprocated his desire, proving that Neji was also different. He was distracted by his thoughts, so he kept scraping his spoon against the bottom of his empty bowl. Neji had to take the bowl and spoon from him, and he was graced with Neji's soft hands, the hands that had worked his cock so well. Talking could wait.

“I want you again.”

“Can I at least wash the dishes now that we have water?”

“Hn. I'll fuck your thighs if you lean over the sink.”

“Fine.”

Neji never finished washing the dishes, but he wasn't surprised. They ended up in bed together, where he held Neji from behind and rocked against the man's bare ass. He teased Neji's entrance with the tip of his cock and earned a warning growl that had him biting Neji's shoulder. Neji shuddered as blood trickled into his mouth, then he ran his tongue along the shallow puncture wounds, knowing it would help the wound heal. After he came, he nudged a few kisses to Neji's neck and right shoulder, then they lay there together, the silence broken up by their labored breaths. The thought of actually talking about their current predicament surfaced, but it did nothing to encourage him to speak. He found himself rubbing Neji's stomach, like he used to do with Naruto every time they slept together, as if they would somehow build a family out of their combined mess. He couldn't say he'd thought of Naruto every time Neji touched him, but sometimes he did, even though he tried not to. He and Neji both deserved better. Maybe that was why they ended up together. Mutual pining and disappointment.

“Do you think about Hinata?”

“You're nothing like her, so that's impossible. If this is about you fantasizing about Naruto, it doesn't bother me. We're both getting something out of this.”

“I don't always think of him. You smell nothing like him. You look nothing like him. I know who I'm with, Neji.”

“This is going to keep happening, isn't it?”

They both knew it was a pointless question. Their quick decision to endure his rut together had tainted any kind of normal friendship that could have developed between them, even something as simple as tolerating one another. He would crave more, everything that Neji could provide, and they would become lovers again. He'd stumbled out of one gloriously messy relationship right into another. He was glad the candlelight was flickering, dying to leave them in darkness. Neji couldn't see him, but he still felt exposed, and his hand still remained on Neji's stomach, as if he could truly consummate something that didn't exist and somehow impregnate another alpha. He tried to move his hand, but Neji caught his wrist, so he returned his hand to the man's stomach. Neji was more relaxed in a confident way that was appealing. Societal norms meant little to both of them after their upbringing and everything they'd been through. He thought it was odd and he knew it was frowned upon, but he'd still fallen into bed with another alpha, and he didn't regret it.

“It doesn't have to happen again, Neji.”

“I wouldn't mind if it happened again.”

“I want it to keep happening.”

“You could have said that in the beginning. I took off my scent blocker and started all of this. I'm attracted to you, Sasuke.” He practically purred when he heard the words, pleased that he was still appealing, pleased that someone else found him desirable, even with his missing arm. He was half blind to the overwhelming scent of pepper, clove, and cedar, the combination that Neji enjoyed. Neji touched the right side of his own neck, deciding to peel off the remaining scent blocker, but his fingertips brushed over bare skin. “My other scent blocker is gone.”

“I took it off with my teeth,” Sasuke replied, feeling tired for the first time. Neji made a small noise, then Sasuke felt the man scent his wrist. “We should get some sleep. I know you're tired. Don't lie about it. I don't think less of you.” When Neji didn't respond, he knew the man had fallen asleep, so he settled against the man and closed his eyes, mumbling a “goodnight” to the room.

Chapter Text

His entire body hurt, so he couldn’t imagine how Neji felt, considering the man had endured two days of him half feral for any kind of sexual relief. They lay on their backs, right beside one another, taking up the entire mattress, and he still felt like stretching out even more, throwing his limbs over Neji in the process. It was time for them to recover, to regain their energy, to become softer with one another, and neither of them knew how to handle the final day of a rut when it was between two alphas. He didn’t want Neji to feel emasculated, so he didn’t try to kiss and lick the bite marks he’d left on Neji’s skin, the ones that had driven Neji over the edge, sending the man tumbling into an orgasm. Without the high from his rut, and the raw desperation to breed when it wasn’t even possible, he felt a little embarrassed of his actions. He’d never lost control before, and that felt too much like losing control. The fact that they were still naked only added to the awkwardness resting between them, crammed into the fraction of a space between their bodies.

“I don’t need the byakugan to know you keep looking at me. What’s wrong?”

“I’m supposed to take care of you now, but you aren’t an omega.”

“So do it. I’ll tell you if you do something I don’t like.”

He turned onto his right side, then he nudged Neji’s thighs apart, giving himself room between the man’s legs while giving him access to two bite marks on the man’s inner thighs, right over scent glands. He settled on his knees and leaned down to lick across the fresh bite mark on Neji’s left thigh, running his tongue flat across the indentation of his teeth, then he looked up at Neji and found the man watching him, as if to memorize the sight of him. Exhaustion meant nothing when he closed his mouth around the bite mark covering Neji’s scent gland. He sucked on Neji’s skin as if he could somehow draw blood from a wound clearly scabbed over after a day without his attention. Neji reached down and gripped his hair, tugging on it to keep his head from moving, to keep his mouth and lips and tongue focused on pleasuring the man. Neji had impressive stamina for an alpha outside of a rut, but he doubted he could pull another orgasm from the man. He focused on lightly licking Neji’s skin when he noticed the man’s cock hardening from his teasing.

When Neji released his hair, he moved to the man’s right thigh, giving equal attention to his second and third bite marks, where his teeth overlapped. It reminded him of Karin’s body, how her skin was covered in bite marks, how she wanted him to add more to her body, to claim her in a way he wasn’t ready for, to be a proper lover he didn’t know how to be. Everyone knew that he only knew how to fuck up. He’d left a string of failures behind him, a trail that anyone could follow just to identify him. He had been aesthetically pleasing, striking, until he’d lost his left arm, and that had been all he’d had going for him. He was lacking parts, composed of broken pieces, capable of loving but never enough. He didn’t know why anyone would want him. Neji wasn’t quite right, the epitome of the unorthodox lifestyle that others frowned upon, and he blamed that for the fact that Neji found him attractive. He was a pretty face, until someone looked beyond his face, until someone looked beneath the surface. Insecurities hidden by bravado large enough to put Naruto’s to shame.

Neji sat up for him, so he moved closer to capture bite marks on the man’s shoulder, where he’d wanted to mark Neji and settled for the man’s shoulder. Close calls had earned him warning growls that only made him snap his teeth at Neji, a silent promise of a fight neither of them wanted. But he’d listened, knowing that he couldn’t, that he wasn’t ready, that he would never be ready. Neji deserved someone emotionally available, someone without enough baggage to crush several men. And he understood why Kakashi had remained single, because they’d both suffered enough to ruin them. Neji wrapped both arms around him and they held one another for several minutes, neither of them tiring, and he wondered if they were both searching for something they’d never find. Neji rested a hand at the nape of his neck and drew him in, giving the man access to his left scent gland, and he didn’t have the overwhelming urge to growl or snap or lash out. Without the hormones coursing through his veins, he liked the way Neji kissed his neck and tipped his head to the side to provide the man with more space.

“Would you ever let me have sex with you?”

The kisses came to a sudden end, but Neji’s lips still remained against his skin. He didn’t know why he asked when he wasn’t obsessed with knotting a possible mate that would be pointless all around. And maybe it was just about the sex, but he still wondered, as if the answer would make a difference. He would still mess around, still push boundaries until Neji stopped him and he fully respected the man. Neji pulled away and he moved back, allowing them to look at one another. His hair had grown to hide his rinnegan, but Neji easily swept his hair aside, and he saw nothing but white. Only the byakugan gave the eye some features, so he lost himself in the white that seemed endless, drawing him into the depths. His question made him consider his own stance. He asked himself if he would ever let Neji take him, if he could allow another alpha to take a dominant role in bed. Neji was more open, more accepting, more forgiving—he craved control and lusted for power. He’d exchanged favors by giving Neji oral sex, a simple exchange that got him exactly what he wanted.

“I haven’t been with anyone.”

“I thought you might have been with Hinata.”

“My clan isn’t like that. We rely on arranged marriages and matings that are assigned at birth. You don’t have relationships with anyone else. You wait to consummate and mate until after marriage. I broke the arranged marriage and ended the contract when I reached eighteen. By clan law, I should remain unmarried and unmated for the remainder of my life,” Neji explained, sharing details that had him wrinkling his nose. The Hyuga clan seemed like a nightmare with its strict policies, worse than what he’d imagined just with the seal marring Neji’s skin. In comparison, his clan wasn’t strict. The rule was to marry and mate within the clan. “I know it’s terrible. It’s another reason I’m traveling with you. I have many reasons.” Being the last of his clan, he had no clan rules to limit him, just societal norms easily cast aside. Though Neji’s clan still existed, the man had left it behind in Konoha, so they both only felt the weight of societal norms, and like him, Neji cast them aside.

“In my clan, we had the freedom to choose our own mates, as long as we kept relationships in the clan. It was still a collar with a longer leash. I can’t say what I would have done when the time came to find a mate.” He thought aloud, sharing snippets simply bouncing around in his head. If things had gone differently, he wondered if he would have chosen Naruto. He didn’t want to go down that winding road, so rested his hand on Neji’s cheek and stole a kiss from the man. Because he knew who he was with, and it wasn’t Naruto. “We can forget the question. Your clan ties it to marriage. I didn’t know.”

“Yes, my clan does, but I left them in Konoha. I would have to say yes, if you earn it.”

“Hn.”

They slept the afternoon away, then he presented Neji with the last of their food supply, beyond the rations they refused to touch. Canned pineapple wasn’t his favorite, but Neji enjoyed it enough for both of them. Near the end of his can, he presented the fruit to Neji, giving up on eating it. They were freshly showered and fully clothed, but it was still warm in the home, even with the windows open for the cool air. There was some distance between them, which made him feel restless, thanks to his desire to dote on Neji and spoil the man. He frowned as he sat on the couch, hand fisting around a bit of his black pants, until he gave up and draped his arm over Neji’s shoulders and drew the man into his side. They were lovers, as complicated as their sudden relationship was, so Neji leaned against him and finished off the last of the pineapple. Neji brought up the fact that they still had time to leave, but he huffed at the thought and squeezed Neji to himself, not done with pampering his lover.

And he was back to kissing Neji’s neck again, lips pressed against the scent gland that screamed at him to bite down, just bite down. He clenched his eyes shut as he sucked on Neji’s scent gland, focused on ignoring the urge, then he felt Neji’s hand on his thigh, squeezing him. He always praised Naruto, and the man had melted for him every time, but he didn’t know what to say to Neji. Neji tugged on the waist of his pants, so he followed the man’s pull until he was straddling the man’s thighs. Neji’s neck was colorful, marked with bruises and bite marks where his control had slipped and all he’d wanted to do was mark the man in some way, any way. When he looked at Neji, he saw clarity flicker in and out, and he knew that Neji felt the same way, locked in a battle between giving in and fighting against it. They were both tired, downright exhausted, and he wanted Neji all over again. He dragged his teeth over Neji’s scent gland and Neji moaned, relaxing beneath him as if he’d successfully seduced the man into a total mess.

“You’re supposed to rest,” Neji managed to say, voice rough from barely contained desire. He was supposed to rest, but Neji was right about him, about his insatiable urge to touch and be touched. Spending his first rut with someone else only made him want more, and he wanted more from Neji, so much more. “You really want me again?” He nuzzled his nose against Neji’s scent gland and let out a pleased sigh when Neji grabbed his ass and squeezed. He was tired, but he knew he had enough in him to go again, to do more than care for Neji through the day supposedly dedicated to rest.

“I do. I want everything you can give me,” he declared, unashamed of his need for Neji. “We’ll rest after. I promise.” They both knew it could possibly be a total lie, but Neji chose to pretend that he believed the words. Sasuke was surprised when Neji dumped him onto the couch cushion, immediately annoyed by the thought of rejection, but he watched with parted lips as Neji stood and began to undress for him. The apron went first, dropped to the floor as if it meant nothing, and that spurred him into undressing too.

They moved upstairs, even though Neji was fine with messing around on the couch. He wanted to try something different, and he didn’t want to make a complete mess of the entire house. As it was, they were terrible guests. Despite the fact that he could make it a demand and end up exchanging growls with Neji, he chose to ask Neji to get onto the bed on all fours. They had experimented with positions, but what he had in mind would work best with Neji’s perfect ass presented to him. He gave in to his growing urge to squeeze Neji’s ass, then he moved his focus to the man’s perineum. He’d learned about a way to stimulate the prostate through an accident that ended with Naruto shouting his name and cumming untouched. Neji had never been with anyone else, and he could make his lover feel good without entering him. He trailed his hand down Neji’s balls until he felt a spot that was softer, a spot that earned him a sharp inhale. An increase in pressure had Neji shifting from both hands to both forearms as he massaged the spot.

And Neji moaned for him, a chorus of his name as he stimulated Neji’s prostate, then as he alternated stroking the man’s cock. Precum was spread over Neji’s length, and he felt the swell of the man’s knot. The thought of making Neji cum just from rubbing the man’s perineum was appealing, but the combined stimulation had Neji rocking into him, back and forth to draw more pleasure from his touch, first for the man’s cock, then for the man’s prostate. Neji had never warned him before having an orgasm, so he was practically vibrating with the urge to enter the man and knot him. Neji came with a cry of his name that faded into heavy breathing, where the man kept rocking into his hand that gradually stopped rubbing the man’s perineum. He nudged the man’s thighs together, nestling his cock between them to simulate sex with Neji. Neji moved back against him, and he gripped the man’s right hip, guiding every motion. When he came, he groaned, thrusting through the orgasm until he reached the edge of overstimulation. Neji reached back to grab at his left hip and he kept his pelvis flush with the man’s ass.

“Sasuke.”

“I know.”

“I want you again.”

He laughed.

Chapter Text

“I’m glad it’s finally cooler.”

“Hn.”

They were both summer children, but with fair skin and the promise of constant, burning sunshine, they preferred other seasons. Neji liked spring, while he preferred fall, both transition seasons that didn’t come with the promise of sunburn or frostbite. September was better for them, especially since they were out of the Land of Fire. Distance made things easier for them, even if they did count the miles between them and the lives they could have had. Neji never shared personal feelings related to his canceled marriage to Hinata, but Sasuke still wondered if Neji had genuine feelings for her, if Neji knew what it felt like to leave half of himself behind. Just because Neji broke the arranged marriage didn’t mean that the man didn’t love Hinata. Sasuke had left Naruto to escape the village and the life the elders had constructed for him; staying would have ended with the same sorry result—he never would have had a life and a family with Naruto. He reminded himself of that whenever he longed for Naruto, whenever the memory of the scent of mandarin and orange blossom suddenly struck him. There had been no way to win.

Neji presented him with an apple, so he tipped his head back to see the man outlined in sunlight that looked like a halo. It was apple season, and he couldn’t complain, so he mumbled his thanks and took the ripe apple. Neji collected a few more apples to toss into their bags, then the man sat down beside him and they ate their apples in silence. With every crunch, he thought about their time spent together in the house that he swore would always smell like them. Since August, their relationship had been odd, with no other way to describe it other than to say they knew one another in the most intimate of ways while simultaneously knowing nothing about one another. Beside him, Neji was slowly taking bites, eyes trained on the clouds shaped like numerous animals.

He didn’t think they were close enough to a village for anyone to notice their presence, but he heard a small meow that dragged on, and a black cat approached him, tail high in the air and slightly curved, a curious and brave little thing. He only had his apple to share with the cat, so he bit off a small piece and placed it on the grass. As the cat ate, he gently petted her.

“I didn’t know you liked cats,” Neji commented, easily noticing that the cat only cared about him. He smirked at the obvious snub, even though it wasn’t very nice of him. When he caught Neji frowning at the cat, he offered the man a piece of apple to share with the black cat. After Neji held out the piece of apple, the cat took it from the man’s fingers. “She’s probably from the village. She doesn’t have a collar, but she’s comfortable around people.” The cat smelled Neji’s fingers and bumped her head against the man’s hand, while he simply watched, quietly finishing off the remnants of his apple. Like Neji, he thought the cat was a little too friendly with people, but that didn’t mean the cat hadn’t been abandoned.

“My clan has a ninneko contract. It hasn’t been in use for a long time. It’s in the cat fortress now, where it will probably rot away,” he admitted, unsure if the fact really bothered him. Ninneko only reminded him of his brother, and he didn’t like thinking about his brother. He didn’t think he would ever stop missing Itachi, even though people constantly reassured him that the pain would subside with time. Every day, the wound was still fresh. “You don’t seem like a cat person.” He chuckled when he watched Neji try to avoid the cat so desperate to rub against the man and spread black hair all over the man’s tan clothing. Neji eventually gave up and dumped the cat in his lap, where she happily curled up for an afternoon nap.

“We can get the contract, if you want.”

“There’s no point. It was meant to be passed down in my clan.”

“You don’t plan to start a family.”

“That would require settling down, and neither of us really see that in our future,” he noted, as if they both needed a verbal reminder of their plan to travel until the wanderlust ate them alive. Neji looked down at the cat in his lap, at the way he absently stroked the cat’s back. He didn’t need sympathy, so he was glad that Neji didn’t try to reassure him with falsities. After Neji finished eating, he contemplated his next words. He waited so long that he swore he’d given up entirely. But the subject had been introduced. It was something personal again. “Did you love her?” Neji didn’t answer, so he looked over at the man. He didn’t expect the frown on the man’s face, the way that unhappiness just oozed from the man’s pores. He couldn’t tell if the question had irritated Neji or not, so he gave up on ever receiving an answer.

“I learned to love her, but I can’t say that it was ever enough. She truly thought Naruto would reciprocate her feelings and they would be together. She saved my life during the war, but I know that in her heart, she did it for Naruto. That was the theme of our relationship,” Neji explained, showing that the unhappiness was for how the relationship had proceeded and ended. He knew Naruto would never choose her, because they had once discussed her enthusiasm for the man. But being reminded of her feelings for Naruto made him mirror Neji’s frown. Neither of them were pleased with her behavior.

They ran from their frayed relationships and fell into bed together, exactly what they didn't need but everything they wanted. He often felt that Neji deserved better, but that was his own running theme, the constant presence of his feelings of inadequacy. Neji knew what the mission entailed, but the man showed no interest in treating him like a prisoner, like a criminal. He was sure that Neji wasn't supposed to engage in sexual acts with him, that it wasn't part of the mission scope, but it happened, and it kept happening. Someone else wanted him and he was actually drawn in, led along by the scent of jasmine and leather that made him think of jasmine tea and an old book, relaxing things outside of his rut. Neji likely thought their sexual relationship had something to do with convenience, but that wasn't true. What began with them seeking instant gratification ended with them still craving one another, even after his rut. Hinata had lost a great alpha and a solid mate, and that meant he'd gained an excellent lover.

“I was going to be forced to bond and breed with a woman I don't want. I never would have had Naruto. No matter what I said or what I did, I never would have won. My opinion of the village was already utterly ruined, so I chose to leave. And now I have you. You're my guard and you're supposed to report my every move.”

“I suppose we were both bound by things beyond our control. I'm supposed to report your behavior to the Hokage and the remaining council members, but I see nothing to report. They made you seem unstable, like you were a real threat to the village. I can't imagine that. Not now, at least.”

“Naruto chose to forgive and forget. He loves the village. That's why I'm not a threat to the village. You can include that in the report, if you want.”

“The village allows my clan to brand humans like slaves. I can't say I've forgiven when it's still happening, and I will never forget. You can see why I may not be the best person for this mission. I was just looking for an escape, and I can't complain about the company.”

He chuckled, finding it funny that Neji understood and accepted his views on the village without mentally reopening his file filled with information on his time as a missing nin and a terrorist. To the world, his past mistakes mattered more than anything else. He would never be able to redeem himself. Together, they would search for something better than the lives they left behind. He sought understanding and forgiveness for himself, for his brother, and for his clan. And he wondered if Neji had some underlying mission beyond the desire to escape and start anew. Maybe they would find something on the road, something currently unknown, something that would finally put them both at ease. He leaned his head back against the tree trunk and closed his eyes, so they stayed in the shade until cloud cover hid the blue sky and afternoon sunlight. The clouds didn’t promise rain, but they had to move on. He hoped that they could find a decent place to stay before the end of the night to make up for their streak of days spent camping.

Even though the cat was in familiar territory, the cat still chose to follow them for some distance before turning back. He was unconcerned, since he knew the cat would eventually leave them, but Neji was constantly glancing at the cat that was practically glued to his side. He was sure that Neji could see the smirk, and it grew when the cat turned and left them. Neji bumped his right hand, a light swat to encourage him to lose the smirk, so he nudged his fist against Neji’s upper arm. Neither of them had much to say, so their journey was mostly nothing but comfortable silence broken up by tiny comments about the weather or the path or their destination that was constantly changing. That day, they had decided to venture to a resort town in the Land of Frost, hoping to chase leads on his brother’s time in the nation. In the end, he felt himself wanting to follow in his brother’s footsteps, even though he discovered early that he didn’t know much about his brother at all. He only knew that he loved Itachi.

Neji was an agreeable companion, willing to accompany him wherever he wanted to go. Although it was only September, the Land of Frost was well known for its early winters and heavy snow. The resort town he hoped to visit, Genzan, was often covered in snow, where all of its rooftops and small pathways were layered in white. It was a picturesque place, but his brother had been on a bloody mission there at one point, eliminating Shimo shinobi at the request of Shimo shinobi. It was an example of a mission that wasn’t fit for his brother, not when he believed that Itachi had deserved better, that every mission was like another introduction of trauma. He could handle the worst in the world, and he felt he deserved it, but not his brother. Maybe he was chasing closure he would never find, searching for fragments of his brother scattered throughout the world. He regretted many things in his life, and fighting his brother to the death made the top of the list. Naruto had tried to get him to talk about Itachi, often starting the conversation and leaving him to fill in the silence that only persisted.

The journey promised him more hurt when he didn’t know if it would include any healing, but he needed to walk in the footsteps, as if he were a child trying to match up his footprints with his brother’s, even though their feet would never be the same size. And it would continue, a trend that would never end, because he would likely outlive his brother. He would grow. He would age. And Itachi was dead. Even though he kept his eyes on the path ahead of them, he recalled how it felt to cry for his brother, how it felt when his eyes filled with tears that spilled down his cheeks. Naruto had told him it was okay to cry when he was happy, but he felt adrift in a sea of uncertainty decorated with sadness. Naruto was like his light, the one good thing he’d had going for him, and he’d left that light behind to avoid being chained to someone he didn’t love, to avoid building a family with someone he didn’t want. He wanted an ideal world, one he would never have, one he would never find. His ideal world didn’t exist. Even if he would have won in his fight with Naruto, he would have lost.

“The missions I went on with my old team were exhausting. There was always some competition or a challenge that we were forced to take part in. Gai-sensei was always encouraging us. He is the most enthusiastic and optimistic person I’ve ever met, and while he’s a lot to handle, I can’t imagine a better teacher,” Neji said, surprising him with the sudden introduction of a conversation. He wondered if Neji knew that he was desperate to focus on something other than his thoughts that had begun to spiral. He recalled Gai and his right eye twitched at the memory of the man. “I know. He’s a lot,” Neji replied, chuckling at his expression. Gai had been extreme at all times.

“I remember Lee. I still use some of his moves. He’s talented. A genius born of hard work, right?” He glanced at Neji and caught the soft smile on the man’s face, which made him think that Neji had left without saying goodbye to them. Neji loved them, and the man had chosen to escape the Hyuga clan at the cost of those bonds. He understood that very well. Sakura had wanted him to write to her, and he hadn’t written a single letter to anyone. “I think you should write to your teammates and your former sensei. I should write to Naruto. I just don’t know what to say. What do we even say to the people we love that we left behind?” He didn’t necessarily need a response to the question, though it wasn’t entirely rhetorical.

“I don’t think we could ever properly explain our decisions, or that they would ever truly understand the reasons behind them. Tenten had hoped that I would choose her, since I ended my arranged marriage with Hinata. Sometimes, I think I should have. But do you understand what it feels like when something isn’t quite right? It’s not bad, but it isn’t good,” Neji shared, clearly thinking out loud. Sasuke really didn’t know how they had fallen onto such a heavy subject, but it gave him a glimpse into Neji’s head, and getting to know one another would only help them. He nodded, even though he couldn’t say he’d ever experienced something like that. Being with Naruto would have been fantastic, but the village likely would have tainted their relationship.

“I think I understand.”

Chapter Text

As expected, winter snow had hit the village hard, covering every exposed surface in a thick layer of white, and with the gas lamps burning, in the dead of night, the village glowed for them, a welcoming unlike no other. Sasuke wanted to see something ugly in the scenery, something that hinted at the bloodbath that had once occurred in the resort village, but it was a new world, a better world. The footprints he hoped to follow had been buried beneath the snow, entirely lost, and he didn’t think a spring thaw would change that. Neji stood beside him as he surveyed the small bridges joining the sections of the village into one, where the bridges and railings were covered in snow that had been patted down by pedestrians passing between the two sides. Even though he’d told Neji to get a cloak thick enough for winter, the man hadn’t listened to him, so Neji was wearing one of his cloaks, and he had to admit he liked his scent on the man. He turned his head to see Neji’s profile, then he inhaled his scent that clung to the man.

“Your destinations seem random at best,” Neji noted, squinting at their surroundings, as if there was something imperfect about the warm atmosphere. He hummed and commented that he thought it looked nice, even though he was talking about Neji, not Genzan. When Neji looked at him, he was trying to decide on a ryokan that would give them a decent stay, one that wouldn’t bankrupt them. “I can choose the ryokan. I’m being paid for an A-rank mission for the duration of this journey. I would argue that you are an S-rank shinobi,” Neji said, pulling a smile from him. Neji lightly swatted his hand, then he followed the man across the village limits and they began their search for a ryokan.

“I requested Itachi’s full declassified file, as clan head and the last of kin. I’m retracing his steps,” he admitted, the words suddenly so loud with the blanket of snow that seemed to mute the world. Neji looked at him with a furrowed brow, most likely thinking it was a horrible idea. And he understood, considering he constantly asked himself if it was about hurting or healing. “I don’t know what I hope to achieve, but we have time. I’ll figure it out as we go.” Neji didn’t think it was a good idea, something he knew just by the man’s skeptical expression. He brushed some of the falling snow from Neji’s hair and offered the man a partial smile for reassurance.

“This one,” Neji decided, stopping outside of an older building with low-hanging gas lamps illuminating the entrance. He couldn’t say why Neji chose that ryokan out of the many lining the main road, but he chose to go along with what Neji wanted when the man was paying for their stay in the village. “The balconies have an overhang. I want one of those rooms,” Neji admitted, determined to accept nothing but the best. He decided that he would do anything to make sure that Neji had one of the rooms with a balcony. Neji opened one of the doors and he held it open for both of them.

The interior was in traditional style with some updated features bringing more color to the front hall. The ryokan wasn’t the oldest in the village of Genzan, but it was old. The floors were clean, tatami clearly new, so it was a nice establishment. Neji’s desire for a balcony led them to a place that met his minimum requirements. Beyond that, he didn’t need to look around the place. Neji cared more than he did, so he quickly labeled the man as spoiled, too used to having the best in life. Neji was a branch member, but the man had been coddled compared to other branch members. Even he knew that. When Neji heard him mumble the word “spoiled” under his breath, Neji elbowed him in his ribs and he hissed in pain. From that point on, he just let Neji handle the interactions and secure them a room. When an omega led them to their room, he placed his hand on the small of Neji’s back, openly showing that he was attached to Neji, at least in some way. He thought that Neji would scold him, but the man let him go.

Their room had two beds with numerous blankets, a thick cover to chase away the chill that still lingered in the air. Neji had received a room with a balcony, but it was closed off with two doors, their glass panels coated in a thin layer of ice and fogged over from the warmth of their room. He knew that Neji would insist on enjoying the balcony, as if the man was resistant to cold, when they both knew Neji was born a summertime child who truly prospered in spring. Even after the omega worker left them, he left his hand on Neji's back, at war with his need to touch. They padded across the tatami to their beds that had been pushed together, and he knew there was no way he wasn't holding Neji, whether the man cooperated or not. Finally, he let his hand fall from Neji's back, and he heard the man make a small noise, focused on their sleeping arrangements. He couldn't recall Neji asking for one or two beds. Either way, they hadn't fully slept apart since his rut.

“It's fine, Neji.”

“You prefer facing east for the sunrise.”

“How the hell do you even know that?”

“Because you smile in your sleep, probably the most that you do.”

They were lovers with no strings attached while being bound in barbed wire that threatened to slit their throats. He knew they were playing with fire, but he still held Neji from behind, his arm curled around the man's midsection, because Neji had noticed something small about him, practically insignificant, while being consequential. He didn't smile enough, but he reasoned that it made each rare smile more meaningful. Naruto had made him smile without even trying, so he was still growing accustomed to living outside of Naruto's light. Neji could be just as unreadable as himself when it came to facial expressions. They were learning little tells to decipher their thoughts and feelings, but it was a work in progress. They told themselves it was for their teamwork when they hadn't encountered a single threat since leaving Konoha. He thought of Neji watching him sleep during the sunrise, and he suddenly craved the attention. By holding Neji, letting them both stew in the silence brought on by Neji’s thoughtfulness, he was avoiding discussing the fact that his wanderings involved retracing his dead brother’s footsteps through life.

He knew the exact moment when Neji’s thoughts circled back to his confession that had seemed so loud in the quiet night. Neji placed a hand over his and he closed his eyes, hoping he was wrong, hoping he’d misunderstood the meaning behind the gesture. Both of them knew that not facing one another would make the conversation easier for them, but Neji still turned to him and he closed his eyes, coming to terms with the fact that neither of them could hide. Neji would judge him, being the only one to truly know his plans. Kakashi thought he wanted to find closure by seeing his brother’s handwriting and building worlds from written reports, but it wasn’t that simple. He’d mapped out routes, memorizing them with his sharingan before burning the evidence. He couldn’t tell if he found comfort or disappointment, since Genzan didn’t offer him his brother back, since Genzan didn’t offer him clues to a mystery that didn’t exist. Grief was a confusing mess on its own, but the village had added in its own version of suffering to round it off.

“This could blow up in your face. You could find the closure you’re looking for or you could lose yourself mourning someone who will never come back to you. He isn’t here, Sasuke. You won’t find him here,” Neji tried to explain, using a gentle tone that he appreciated, despite the fact that he hated the words. He told himself that Neji didn’t understand, that Neji couldn’t understand just how much he still loved his brother. Naruto didn’t know the full extent of his feelings, since he’d shut down on the subject, but Neji boldly picked at the many wounds still bleeding, even after almost two years. “I’ll go wherever you want to go, but you need to understand that you will pass through the stages of grief, one way or another. I would know. I spent a lot of time on the anger stage.”

“Bargaining,” he replied, without missing a beat. He’d passed through denial, fallen right into searing anger, and landed on bargaining, where he’d been since his imprisonment. His type of bargaining didn’t include prayers to a higher power, just an endless cycle of “what if” and “if only” that filled his head. He’d wanted to say so much to Itachi, but the words had only surfaced after the man’s final passing, so he would carry them for the rest of his life. “I need a goal, something to keep me going, or I’ll stagnate. He saw all of these places and completed a multitude of missions, and I know I won’t find him, but I could understand him a little more. I really don’t have anything else. This is it.”

“I don’t have anything else either.” They looked at one another, as if they would find the answers in their eyes or on their faces or somehow communicated just by their even breaths. He thought they were both equally pathetic. They needed something more in their lives, something more than following the invisible paths left by his brother. And he wanted to say that they had something, that there was some greater goal, but he couldn’t. “What do you want more than anything?” He stared into Neji’s eyes, losing himself in white that screamed of innocence that didn’t exist. No one had ever asked him that question before, so he had to really think about his response. Naruto. No. Itachi. No. His clan. No. A family. No.

“I’m unsure.”

“Start small.”

“I want a bath.”

Neji turned and walked to their private bathroom, leaving him standing there, wondering what had spurred the man into motion. He stood in the bathroom doorway and watched Neji prepare him a steaming bath, granting his small wish without prompting. And he accepted that the question would follow them throughout their time together. He could see the steam gathering atop the bathwater and slowly fogging up the bathroom mirror, and he imagined what that heat would feel like crawling along his tired body. Forgiveness. Understanding. Acceptance. Hope. And since those things slipped through his fingers whenever he swore he found the strength to grasp them, he settled for something smaller, something achievable—he settled for a hot bath.

He wanted Neji to undress him, but he refused to voice his desire. They were constantly teetering on the edge of something more, even without acknowledging their precarious situation. He removed his cloak first, but there was nowhere to put it; the moment he realized he'd have to return to their bedroom, Neji took his cloak in one hand and grasped his right hand with the other. Neji hung up his cloak in the closet, where the damp material could dry overnight, then he removed Neji's cloak, planning to do the same thing, but Neji did it for him. He brushed his fingertips over the scent blocker covering Neji's left scent gland, hinting that he wanted to remove it. He didn't know what he hoped to achieve when he knew the mixture of jasmine and leather drove him half mad. Instead, Neji carefully removed his scent blockers, one at a time, and let the crumpled patches fall to the floor. Neji scented him, nose nudged against his right scent gland, breath warm against his skin, so he rested his hand on Neji’s left hip. He found himself repeating Neji’s question, turning it around to receive an answer of his own.

“What do you want more than anything?”

“You.”