Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Riddler, listening closely to Red Hood's voice: Wait, didn't you used to be Robin?

Red Hood: W-what?! No!

Riddler: Yes, you were the second Robin!

Twoface: The second? Oh, right. It's been a while since we saw you. Where have you been?

Royal Robin: Oh, he died.

Twoface: What?

Red Hood: Yeah, Joker killed me.

Joker: It was an accident! An' ya got better!

Riddler: How do you recover from death?!

Batman, appearing out of nowhere to arrest all the Rogues: It runs in the family.

Riddler: That makes less sense!

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Red Hood: Please pray for Nightwing.

Scarecrow: I don't pray.

Mad Hatter: What happened to him?

Red Hood: Nothing, he's just really stupid.

Goodfellow: And he's been talking to a ghost none of us can see or hear.

Scarecrow and Mad Hatter, nodding as if that makes sense: Oooh...

Mad Hatter: Wait, what?!

Goodfellow: The ghost's name is Boston, apparently.

Scarecrow: -keeps nodding as if it makes sense-

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//Batman and the Rogues have to work together.

Batman: Are you sure you guys can handle this?

Ivy: My team is very competent, Batboy. Don't worry.

Mad Hatter, rushing into the room: Ivy, come quickly! Joker tried to make pasta in the coffee pot, and now it's broken!

Ivy: My team is semi competent.

Fire alarms, Freeze can be heard screaming in the distance. Twoface loudly curses, and Croc runs through the room, being chased by an umbrella-wielding Penguin and a hissing Catwoman.

Ivy: ...At least my team isn't made up of children.

Harley: -walks into the room in carebears pajamas, eating cereal from the box-

Batman: -quirks eyebrow-

Ivy: ...Shut up.

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Joker: From now on, we will be usin' code names. Ya can address me as 'Egret One'.

Joker: Eddie is 'been dere done dat'.

Riddler: -squeaks in dismay-

Joker: Batsy is 'currently doin' dat'.

Batman: -growls-

Joker: Ivy is 'it happened once in a nightmare'.

Ivy: -smirks-

Joker: Harley is 'if I had ta pick a gal'.

Harley: -shrugs and nods-

Joker: And Spooky is...

Scarecrow: Please don't-

Joker: 'Egret Two'.

Scarecrow: Oh, thank Fear.

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Batman: Come on, Robin. Nobody actually believes Joker is in love with me.

Robin, to the Rogues: Raise your hand if you think that Joker is helplessly in love with Batman.

Everyone raises their hand

Batman: Joker, put your hand down.

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Robin: Why won't you all just stand down and accept defeat with dignity?!

Joker: We don' do anythin' wit' dignity!

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Royal Robin's first time being kidnapped by the Rogues, watching Scarecrow and Mad Hatter get into a rhyming argument: What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?!

Clayface: This isn't acting.

Croc: Yeah, this is pretty much just how we really are.

Harley: Welcome ta Gotham, kiddo!

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Bruce: What are you doing here?

Catwoman: I could ask you the same question.

Bruce: I live here. This is my house.

Catwoman: I should probably ask you a different question.

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Jason: When I first met you, I did not like you.

Joker: I'm aware of dat.

Jason: Then you started dating my Dad, and we had to spend some time together. To actually get to know each other.

Joker: Uh-huh?

Jason: It did not get better.

Joker: Yeah, dat tracks.

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Red Hood: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

Joker: I almost died.

Red Hood: That... was my favorite memory

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Joker: Ya know guys, sometimes I feel like Batsy doesn' take me seriously enough.

Red Hood: 'Sometimes'?

Spoiler: 'Enough'?

Joker: ...

Red Hood: Change that to 'at all' and we'll talk.

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//Royal Robin and Spoiler have been captured by thugs. They are trapped in a cage with a high-tech lock.

Robin: How can you not pick it? You're supposed to be a tech person.

Spoiler: They took my tools, what am I supposed to hack it with? Unicorn wishes?

Robin: If a unicorn was here, we'd have much bigger issues than a lock.

Thug, coming back into room: Shuddup! There ain't no way you're getting outta 'ere, so-

A computer in the room flickers green, projecting a hologram of Riddler lounging on a couch, lazily twirling his staff

Riddler: Hello, scum of Gotham!

Thug: What the 'ell, how'd he--?

Riddler: Here's a new riddle for you: how long does it take to blow up all the smuggler's hordes in Gotham?

Explosions in the distance, one after another

Riddler, faux cheerfully: If you ever feel stupid or weak or powerless, just remember that I am not. -scowls darkly- I am out there, I am very dangerous, and I am looking for you. Good luck.

Thug: ...

Electric lock on cage fries

Spoiler, under her breath, as Robin deals with the thug: Thanks, Dad.

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Selina: You spent your entire allowance on THIS??

Kitrina, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this, Mom.

---later---

Nightwing: There's nowhere to run, you might as well just let me arrest you.

Kittyhawk: I think my friends might have something to say about that.

Nightwing: ?

Hundreds of loud quacks in the distance

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//Right after their first meeting

Batman: I can't tell if you're a genius or incredibly arrogant.

Riddler: Well, on a good day, I'm both.

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Red Hood: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 'Cause you're smoking!

Kittyhawk: What?

Red Hood: Smoking. As in smoking hot?

Kittyhawk: I got that, but what does that have to do with falling from- wait...

Red Hood, panicking: Please don't misunderstand-

Kittyhawk: Are you calling me a demon!?

Red Hood: Well, I, uh... My brother-

Kittyhawk: That's the nicest compliment anyone's ever given me!

Red Hood: What.

Kittyhawk, grinning: I think you're intimidating and powerful too.

Red Hood: I can't decide whether to be worried about your issues or excited you're flirting back. I'm very confused.

Kittyhawk: Yeah, I tend to have that effect on people.

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Batman: Come on, Selina, do it for our friendship. You can't put a price on that.

Catwoman: Yes I can, dear. Fifty dollars.

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Robin: Ivy doesn't look very happy.

Scarecrow: That's her happy. She's just a bitch

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Riddler: What goes up but never comes down?

Goodfellow: The amount of stress you're bringing this city.

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Just about every single character: Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend.