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Chapter Text

The first time Alec meets Magnus Bane, he thinks he is one of the most mysterious people he's ever met. 

And the most charming, handsome, gorgeous, and attractive person, for God's Sake.

Fuck, he's incredibly beautiful.

He wears make-up, jewelry, and an outfit that makes Alec instantly think that Magnus is a goddamn model. It suits him perfectly. His eyes...God, Alec could get lost in them...are they golden? Can't be, right? But the way they shine, phew, Alec feels his legs getting weak. And Magnus smile? Bloody hell...it sends shivers down his spine in a way Alec has never felt before.

"Pass me the fanciest drink you have, darling."

This is his order on a Sunday morning around 6 am. Alec has just opened the coffee shop. His eyes are barely open. 

And Magnus? He's clearly been out and enjoyed himself. He is tipsy or on the best way of being drunk if Alec has to guess. 

But Magnus absolutely is the most charming man he has ever met. Alec can't help but smile despite the ungodly hour, something he never does. Alec honestly isn't a morning person. But if he is up to meet this particular man every day, he indeed will become one.

"You know that you're in a coffee shop, right?" Alec askes anyway, earning an amused chuckle from Magnus.

"Aww...Thank you. But yes, actually, I do know that...Alexander," he answeres after checking Alec's name tag. "And I am in desperate need of a strong coffee right now. But after those delicious, sweet cocktails I had, I'm afraid I need some more sweetness. " The stranger answeres, bringing his beringed hands up to smoothen his burgundy-colored shirt. And Alec can't fucking help but follow the movements of those delicately long fingers. It blows Alec's mind away how good-looking the man in front of him is.  

He smiles at Alec, his eyes lightening up as he does so. "Though that sweetness right in front of me is a sight for the eye, as well," he adds, as he looks deeply into Alec's eyes. 

And Alec? He can't help but blush at that.

"Well...uhm...yeah. I...I...will see what I can do for you," he answeres stutteringly. Alec isn't really used to compliments. To be honest, he isn't entirely out of the closet yet. Well, he is. Just not to his parents. Alec's mother, indeed, would support him. Alec is sure of that. But his father? Well, Alec isn't sure about his reaction. 

And he hasn't had a boyfriend until now and just...Alec is shy when it comes to flirting in general. "Sorry," he adds and blushes even more as he prepares the sweetest and most tooth-rotting coffee he's ever made in his life.

"No offense taken, Alexander. I'm Magnus, by the way."

Alec looks up, his face still flaming. But all he can see in Magnus' fucking beautiful eyes (once again...are they golden?) is understanding and that same sparkle as before.

"Thank you. And here's your fancy coffee, Magnus." Alec manages to answer, a relieved smile appearing on his face. He hasn't screwed up completely, Alec thinks with relief.

"Thank you, darling."

Magnus pays and soon leaves the coffee shop, humming fortunately to a song as he does so.

Alec looks after him until he can't see him anymore, smiling dumbly to himself. 

There is no way to deny it. 

Alec Lightwood, for the first time in his life, is absolutely and totally smitten.

***

It isn't the last time he sees Magnus on an early Sunday morning in the coffee shop he's working when he's not studying.

Every month, Magnus stops by, ordering the same fancy, tooth-rotting coffee as always, more or less drunk after a night out at a club. But he's continually so fucking charming and absolutely under the control of himself.

Alec finds himself enjoying the presence of Magnus more and more. They chat a little if there aren't many other customers' around; smile at each other fondly if there are.

For some reason, they never exchange their phone numbers or meet outside of this coffee shop. They just enjoy their monthly banter, get to know each other better.

This goes on for at least two years. 

It honestly is the best time of Alec's life. 

Meeting Magnus, talking to him about his life, his studies, and his work is something Alec doesn't quite often. He's not that kind of guy with many friends. But he enjoys it just as much when Magnus tells him about his job as a lawyer from time to time. 

Alec loves listening to Magnus' melodic voice, how he talks with his complete body, and finds himself falling more and more for the beautiful lawyer.

And though Alec knows that there is an age difference between them, he works on the courage to ask Magnus out on a date. 

He has no eyes for any other man. Will never have.

Izzy, his sister, and Jace, his adoptive brother, are encouraging Alec to do so. But he hasn't worked through his fears of getting rejected yet. 

Until one Sunday morning, Magnus, as usual, steps into the coffee shop and orders two black coffee-to-go, accompanied by a woman who just looks as gorgeous as Magnus himself. Well, aside from the sour look on her face. Like she is disgusted by being in the little coffee shop, Alec very quickly grew fond of. Like she is fucking offended by everything around her. 

Alec can't stop himself from hating her instantly.

He feels something breaking inside of him when he realizes that Magnus and that woman are a couple but smiles anyway, glad that he hasn't tried to ask Magnus out on a date.

He will never have a chance with such a beautiful-looking human, who is also very kind-hearted and patient. Alec isn't such a lucky one.

And if Magnus is happy, Alec is too.

Alec doesn't recognize that Magnus' behavior changes. That he seems unsure in the presence of this woman. Maybe Alec doesn't want to acknowledge. Maybe he just wants Magnus to be happy, that is.

Alec and Magnus continue their banter like that for a few months.

Magnus never introduces the woman, who always waits at the door with the same sour look on her face. 

And Suddenly, Magnus doesn't have time anymore to talk with Alec. The woman, Camille, is always in a rush, stressing the moment they step into the coffee shop. 

But Magnus just smiles at Alec like he used to. Though Alec thinks to recognize a glimpse of sadness in the lawyers' eyes as more time passes by.

And at some point, Magnus starts to come more often to the little coffee shop, not just on his typical once in the month Sunday.

His smiles aren't as fortunate as before, even though he tries hard, plus his whole appearance carries more and more heaviness. As if every step is almost too hard to take. 

Alec realizes every change in him as more time passes by. 

Magnus stops wearing more and more of his precious jewelry first. 

He'd told Alec from time to time where he purchased his jewelry. How much it meant to him to wear it. How he felt whole with them, more like himself. And Alec adores Magnus for being so brave and for standing in for what he is. For who he is.

And now that it's missing, it's impossible for Alec to not realize it.

The second that Magnus stops wearing is his make-up. 

Alec knows how much Magnus loves to wear it, and of course, he wonders why Magnus stops when he always tells Alec that it's part of his personality.

And last but not least, Magnus stops styling his hair and wearing colorful clothes. And if, only IF, Alec has managed to keep his worries at bay until now, that is when he can't hide them anymore.

Magnus is more or less drunk almost every time he comes to get his fancy coffee. 

Alec almost doesn't recognize him anymore. Only his eyes remain the same beautiful color, almost golden. Alec would never be able to forget them. He would remember them everywhere, though they carry a lot more sadness in them.

Alec tries to reach out to Magnus, tries to get him into talking about what is wrong, but Magnus always smiles sadly and shakes his head.

"It's okay, darling. Don't worry."

 And before Alec can say something more, the woman grabs Magnus and drags him out of the shop. 

Alec grows more and more worried about Magnus. 

And the more time passes, the more Magnus loses his smile. His eyes don't meet Alec's anymore. He also stops ordering fancy coffees, replacing them with a simple americano.

This isn't his Magnus anymore. 

If one decides to change something about his life, shouldn't he be happy about it? Whatever Magnus is trying, it's apparently not working.

Alec can't stop worrying about his beautiful lawyer. About what happens to him. 

He can't really sleep, worrying that maybe, Magnus won't show up anymore. That he will just disappear without giving Alec the chance to help him. Alec wouldn't get over this. Ever.

But Magnus keeps coming, always with that fucking Camille on his tail. 

He keeps ordering his coffee. 

And Alec keeps trying to reach out to him. He won't stop. There is no way for Alec to give up on him. They know each other for a little more than three years now. Alec has watched Magnus changing for the past year, and he is determined to help him. 

But every fucking time, that woman comes into his way, dragging Magnus away without further words.

But one day, Alec is finally lucky. 

It isn't his usual time to work. But his colleague, Raj, has called in sick this morning, and well. What else can he do? Alec needs the money, and to be honest, he really hasn't much to do besides learning.

It is a boring time to work, not much happens, and Alec finds himself yawning more and more. He's been at the university the whole day, and God is he tired. Two more hours, and he can finally call it a day. Alec can't wait to take a shower and jump into bed.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings, and Magnus steps into his shop all alone. He's swaying and doesn't wear make-up nor jewelry. His hair is a fucking mess, and his clothes...just black. Nothing Alec has ever seen on Magnus.

Alec's heart stops a beat before it starts to pound in his chest. Magnus isn't accompanied by his girlfriend. 

That is Alec's chance.

Thank you , he thinks to the fate that has made those things happen. 

"I'm fine, darling. Stop fussing," Magnus just answers slurringly the moment Alec asks him how he is. And Alec knows that it's a goddamn lie because Magnus doesn't meet his eyes as he responds to his question. 

"Yeah..."

Alec can't stop writing his phone number on Magnus' coffee-to-go. A fancy, tooth-rotting coffee, even if that's not Magnus order. But he's hoping that maybe, just maybe, it will stir something awake in Magnus. 

Alec so desperately wants to help Magnus and hopes he does it in a way that's not pushing Magnus away. 

Magnus isn't feeling well for months now, no it's a fucking year by now, and it's totally destroying Alec inside and out. 

"Call me if you need someone to help. I mean it, Magnus. I'm here. It's killing me to see you like that," Alec silently says, ignoring the other customers and his blushing cheeks. "The coffee's on the house," he adds tenderly when Magnus' eyes tear up instantly. The lawyer's lips tremble, making Alec feel even worse for the man in front of him. "Call me anytime. I really care about you."

Magnus doesn't answer. He just takes the coffee and hurries out of the coffee shop.

Alec doesn't get much done after that. Worrying he's gone too far, all his thoughts are with Magnus and if he's overstepped a line. 

All the worry isn't necessary, though.

It's in the middle of the night - Alec is sleepless anyway, even if he's been so goddamn tired only a few hours ago - when his phone rings. Grabbing it, he checks the caller-ID.

An unknown number.

His heart suddenly pounding in his chest, Alec immediately accepts the call.

"Hello?"

All he gets in response is a pained sob. 

Magnus . 

And he clearly is having a panic attack. Sitting up straight in his bed, Alec starts to talk to Magnus. He has to get him out of his panic-ridden state as fast as possible.

"Magnus. Hey, I'm here. Breathe for me, okay?"

It takes them quite a while to calm Magnus down. But at some point, Magnus can follow Alec's guidance and breathe properly.

"Oh God. I'm sorry, Alexander," Magnus finally says, his voice nothing more than an exhausted whisper. "I didn't think you would pick up the phone. I'm sorry that you got to hear that...me. I shouldn't have bothered you. I guess it's best if I hang up now."

"NO!" Alec all but yells into the speaker. Now that he finally can get Magnus into talking, he won't give up that easy. "No, just...don't be sorry, okay? I offered my help, and I'm glad you took it. Thank you for calling," he adds more tenderly.

Magnus chokes on another sob at those words. Alec's heart breaks more and more for the lawyer.

"I didn't think you gave me the right number," Magnus murmurs after a moment. "I don't want to bother you."

"You're not bothering me, honestly. And I would never offer you help and give you the wrong number. I really care about you, Magnus. I do."

Alec doesn't know how he gets through all these words without stuttering. Maybe because this is fucking important. Alec can feel how much on edge Magnus is.

"Why?"

"Why? Because you're gentle. Because you make me smile every time I see you. You always have a nice word for everyone. Even that old bitch that always comes right after you on Sundays. Do you remember her? You manage to make her smile. You should see her on the other day's when you're not around," Alec starts, earning a weak chuckle from Magnus. Smiling to himself, Alec adds.

"You helped me to be honest with my parents. You listen to my bullshit. To my rants about that goddamn studies. And I missed you. You don't know how much you mean to me. And I'd do anything to make you feel better."

Wow.

Blushing in the deepest crimson red, Alec finds himself wondering where all of this is coming from. Having a crush for so many years apparently takes its toll on him. But well, it's evidently the best time to get all of this out of his mind.

"Alexander...I don't know if you can..."

Yet, Magnus hesitates to reach fully out to him, even though it's apparent in his voice that this is exactly what Magnus wants.

"Try me," Alec argues. Another weak chuckle comes from the other end of the line. "I mean it. I'm here whenever you're ready."

They hang up soon after that. But not before Magnus promises to call Alec if things are getting worse. To reach out to him if necessary.

Saving Magnus' number, Alec finds himself hoping that Magnus will stand to his words.

He does.

Almost every night, Magnus calls him. They talk a lot. Well, most times, Alec does, to occupy Magnus' mind with other stuff than his own misery. And he has a lot to rant about since he is about to have his final exams. God, Alec can't wait to finally finish uni. To start his work. Become a cop. Alec is looking forward to this. He really is. Finally, being independent.

With these little things, he can occupy Magnus' head, and most of the time, it works.

Magnus' condition still isn't good in any way. 

He stops coming to the coffee shop from the moment they start talking over the phone. 

Alec knows Magnus still drinks a lot. He hears it almost every night. It's Magnus' way of coping with whatever is happening to him. Alec asks from time to time, but Magnus always finds a way of changing the topic.

He isn't ready yet.

But after a few weeks of talking, Alec finally finds out what was going on. A little bit, at least.

He'd told Magnus where he was living a few days ago, hoping that the lawyer will just come over. Alec hasn't seen Magnus in weeks, and it's killing him.

Also, he has to focus on his studies because the final examinations are coming closer. And yet, his mind is occupied with Magnus' wellbeing.

After a goddamn long and rough day at university and coffee shop right after, Alec finds himself on his front door without realizing how he'd come there. Yawning, he starts to search for his keys when he hears his voice.

"Alexander?"

Alec's head shoots up into the direction the voice is coming from. 

He is standing in the shadows, visibly hiding.

Magnus.

Suddenly fully awake again, Alec stops searching for his keys and makes his way to the lawyer, who evidently is drunk again.

"Magnus."

His voice is nothing more but a whisper when he finally approaches Magnus and pulls him in for a tight hug. They have never done that before, but Alec can't help himself. He's just too relieved to see Magnus in one piece.

The lawyer winces, obviously in pain, but nevertheless brings his arms around Alec as well, seeking and finding comfort in Alec's embrace. Alec tries to pull away a little to look at Magnus, but the lawyer holds onto him for dear life, and Alec just decides to let him go for what he needs.

"Come on in," Alec whispers tenderly after a long moment, earning a shaky nod from Magnus, who has hidden his face in the crook of Alec's neck. "You're ice-cold."

"I'm sorry." Magnus starts as they all but stumble to Alec's front door. Alec keeps holding Magnus as they walk, wondering how the lawyer has been able to get to his place.

"No need to apologize. I'm glad you're here, okay?"

"Okay."

Alec can barely hear Magnus' voice, but he catches the sob that follows his words.

"Hey...it's okay. We're almost there. You can rest then. I'll take care of you."

They all so slowly make their way into Alec's small apartment. Alec manages to sit Magnus down on his couch before taking a closer look at the man in front of him. 

His shirt is open as if he'd hurried to get dressed. And what Alec sees on his upper body makes him shiver.

He is covered in bruises.

"Shit...Magnus...what happened? Does it hurt?"

Crouching down in front of him, Alec, as carefully as possible, starts to examine the bruises, which undoubtedly hurt Magnus. There's no need to cover them. They will fade anyway. But yet, it hurts Magnus, and so it's hurting Alec. Magnus' face, though, is absolutely fine. 

Is he suffering from physical abuse?

"It's okay...I deserve the pain."

Magnus doesn't look at him as he speaks out the words. They're sending an ice-cold shiver down Alec's spine.

"Wait...what?"

"I deserve the pain. I made a mistake..."

Alec frowns, hearing those words from a man who'd been so full of life only a year ago.

"You made a mistake, and someone punished you like that?"

For a brief moment, Magnus' red-rimmed eyes are finding Alec's before he looks away again. 

Shame is written all over his face.

"She asked me to do something. I forgot about it. It's my own fault," Magnus slurs weakly as if trying to convince himself that what happens to him is absolutely okay. 

Alec is sure the lawyer doesn't believe his own shit. But well, if someone yells at you too often, you sometimes start to consider the words as a fact. 

No matter how much you know that they're not the truth.

But there is time to talk about that topic later. Magnus is too drunk and too much in need of comfort for an argument like that.

And so Alec decides once more to let it go and to change the topic.

"Do you want to take a shower and rest a bit after that? I could make a small dinner, and we could just crash down on the couch or the bed after. Whatever you want."

He doesn't want to push Magnus more into talking than he's already done. 

Alec knows now that the problem is that bitch. 

Camille. 

She's changed Magnus for the worst, and all Alec can do is making Magnus believe that he is perfect the way he is.

"Yeah."

Magnus' voice sounds almost unsure as he nods weakly in agreement. 

"Will you be okay during the shower?" Alec asks carefully, sensing the unease of Magnus. It's written all over his face, but the lawyer nods anyway. He will need the warmth of the shower.

"I will."

"Okay. But call me if you're not. I'll be in reach, okay?"

Alec smiles and reaches out his hand as he rises to his feet. He helps Magnus to stand up, and they slowly make their way to the bathroom.

"I'll leave you some fresh clothes. Just make yourself at home, Magnus. I'm glad that you're here," Alec repeats the last sentence. Realizing the lone tear that streams down Magnus' face at his words, Alec pulls the lawyer in for another hug - more gently this time.

"I'm such a mess."

Magnus is fast to wrap his arms around Alec as well as he murmurs those words. And he is right. Alec will never deny it. They both know that Magnus's statement is simply the truth.

"You're not alone. As far as you let me, I'll help you get through this shit that is happening to you. I'll always be there for you."

Magnus trembles slightly, grabbing Alec more firmly as if to prove that Alec's words are the truth.

And Alec lets him. He holds Magnus as long as the older man needs it, gently caressing his back.

"Thank you, Alexander."

When Magnus finally pulls away, his eyes are red and puffy. Nevertheless, Magnus looks at him with so much gratefulness. 

"There's no need to. Honestly, I'm just so glad that you reached out to me," Alec only answers, tearfully smiling at Magnus. 

Where is his shyness gone?

He just wonders for a brief moment before Alec decides to be glad about the fact that he can tell Magnus these things without blushing or stuttering.

Magnus only nods, and very soon after, Alec steps out of the bathroom, leaving Magnus alone. He's brought some sandwiches from the coffee shop earlier. Glad that he's bought more than necessary, he puts them onto two dishes and brings them to the living room, together with two cups of chamomile tea.

Soon after, Magnus steps out of the bathroom, hair damp, dressed in Alec's clothes.

He slowly tries to make his way back to Alec, trying not to stumble too much. Even in this state, Alec can't get his eyes off of Magnus. He's lost some weight over the last month's. But he's still so very beautiful to Alec.

Alec rises to his feet and makes his way over to Magnus. He struggles too much with his movements for Alec to ignore them.

"Lean on me if you want to," he just suggests. For a moment, Magnus hesitates before he gives in to what he needs and heavily leans on Alec, who is fast to bring his arms around Magnus. 

It's not just him being drunk. Magnus appears to be so exhausted, so drained as if he hadn't had a proper sleep for a while.

Alec wants to make sure that Magnus will get his well-deserved rest. At least tonight.

When they finally reach the couch, Alec grabs the tea for Magnus.

"Here. Drink some. Eat a little. I won't ask for more, I promise."

Slowly, Magnus drinks the tea and even manages to eat half of a sandwich before giving up.

"I can't..." Magnus starts weakly, apparently nauseated at the thought of more food.

"It's okay, really. Wanna lay down and rest for a while?"

"Yeah...I guess it's for the best."

"You can have my bed...it's more comfortable than that old couch, and I want you to have as much comfort as possible." Alec starts, finding Magnus finally looking at him again.

"Where will you be?"

"Where you want me to," Alec answers, shrugging as he does so. He will sleep on the couch or on the ground next to the bed if that helps Magnus relaxing. Alec would even lay down with Magnus to hold him if that is what Magnus wants.

"I can't ask you to do that."

Magnus' voice is hoarse. He avoids his eyes once more from Alec's gaze. Well, he tries to, but Alec is faster. He brings his hands to cover Magnus one's and smiles at him.

"You can, Magnus. I promise I won't reject you. We can lay down next to each other if you don't want to be alone?" Alec simply suggests. "I'd have no problem with that."

For a long moment, Magnus looks at him with those goddamn sad eyes before he decides to take Alec on his offer.

"Okay."

Alec is relieved about that positive reaction. He is all in to give Magnus as much comfort as possible. To show him he's worth it.

They move over to Alec's bedroom, and soon, they're lying next to each other. 

None of them say a word for a while, both fully aware of each other's presence.

"Magnus? Can I do something for you? To make you more comfortable?"

Alec senses Magnus' unease, the tension in his body. He doesn't have to look at the lawyer. After all those years, they know each other; Alec just knows Magnus and his body language.

"I..." Magnus starts after a moment, evidently struggling with his words, with his emotions. "Could you...hold me? Only for a moment." Magnus almost begs, his voice full of vulnerability before he starts again. "Oh, guess what? I'm talking nonsense...just...just forget it."

But Alec doesn't need more. He moves closer to Magnus and carefully pulls him into his arms. 

"It's okay. You can tell me what you need. It's really okay," Alec says when Magnus immediately snuggles closer to him. Under other circumstances, it indeed would've been weird, but not tonight. Not when Magnus is struggling so much.

"Alexander," Magnus murmurs brokenly, gripping Alec's shirt with his hand.

"It's okay. Whatever it is, I'm here for you. I'm glad you reached out to me," Alec murmurs gently, feeling a shudder running through Magnus' body. 

"Thank you, Alexander. Honestly, thank you so much," Magnus murmurs into Alec's chest. "Could you...maybe just talk to me...I can't stop thinking."

"Of course. I have a lot to tell you," Alec answers with a smile. He starts off with his rant about his studies, followed by stories about his siblings. Magnus has missed so much that Alec can easily talk for more than an hour before he finally feels Magnus relaxing.

One more story and Magnus is fast asleep in his arms.

It doesn't take Alec long to follow Magnus into a deep slumber. With Magnus' warmth, it's easy to sleep through the whole night.

When Alec wakes up the following morning, though, Magnus is already gone. 

He's left a note, saying: Thank you, Alexander." But that's all that's left from Magnus' visit.

I hope you're okay. Come back or call me at any time. You're always welcome. 

Alec sent the text to Magnus a week ago. 

He hasn't heard from Magnus yet since he's been with him through the night. Plus, Magnus still doesn't come to the coffee shop anymore.

And here Alec is again, worrying endlessly about Magnus condition. 

Alec had his final exams and, finally, some days off. And though he spends most of the time at the coffee shop, he doesn't get to see the beautiful lawyer.

Alec tries to call him. Many times. He always reaches the mailbox.

Why hasn't he asked Magnus where he lives?

"You're really worried," Izzy states when they meet for a family dinner on a Saturday evening.

"I can't stop thinking about him. I shouldn't be surprised at all if I failed my exams," Alec answeres honestly. He really doesn't know if he'd managed to answer any question.

"Oh God, don't tell that mom," Izzy chuckles, though Alec can see in her eyes that she understands him all too well. "Hey...don't give up on him. It sounds like he has a lot going on at the moment. Give him some time. He reached out to you once. He will do it again."

"Yeah...it's just so hard. Not knowing how Magnus is doing...you haven't seen him lately...he's just so...broken. And I'm really so afraid that something bad happened...you know?"

"I get it...well, we could do some research," Izzy starts, but Alec's phone interrupts them. He immediately pulls out the phone, realizing the caller I.D. as the Downworld Hospital, exactly where Alec's little brother Max almost died a few years ago.

"Lightwood?"

"Mr. Lightwood, good evening. This is nurse Lydia Branwell from the Downworld Hospital. Do you have a minute?"

"Hey, yeah, sure. What can I do for you?"

"A man named Magnus Bane was brought into our hospital an hour ago. Your number was listed as his emergency contact. It was just listed with A.L. Do you know him?"

Alec's heart stops a beat. He swallows his fear and clears his throat before he starts to speak.

"Yeah...yes, I know him. What happened?"

"He's stable right now. The doctors will explain everything when you're here." 

"I'm on my way," Alec only answeres. He doesn't need to hear much more. He ends the call and turns around to make eye contact with his sister.

"Please tell mom that I'm sorry. I will make it up to her. But I have to go." Alec tells Izzy before he leaves for the hospital, Magnus is in.

***

He's lost more weight since Alec saw him only a week ago. Magnus is so pale.

God, it's heartbreaking.

Machines are surrounding the bed Magnus is in, checking on his physical condition. IVs are running to keep him hydrated.

Alec carefully sits down on the bed, taking Magnus limp hand in his.

"Mr. Bane was found by his friend who hadn't heard from him in a while now. She came to check on him, only to find him unconscious on the floor. It seems that he has been beaten up. Well, the bruises we found on his body are obvious. He also has a high blood alcohol level. His friend doesn't know anything. How about you, Mr. Lightwood?"

Alec, shocked to the bones, needed a while to answer.

"I...uhm, I only know that his girlfriend hit him for forgetting something...last week. She...Camille...she didn't give me the chance to reach out to Magnus. So...I don't know much, either."

The doctor's only nodded, letting him know that the NYPD might have some questions about it. To Magnus as well.

Seeing Magnus now, covered in bruises, makes Alec hate that bitch even more. Alec can only hope that Camille hasn't wrecked Magnus. That there is still some of the old sparkle left inside of him.

Alec will do anything to help Magnus finding back to himself. But first, Magnus needs to recover.

Suddenly, the door to Magnus' room opens.

"Hey, Magnus, I'm back. God, I needed that coffee," a woman's voice says before Alec even can turn around. When he does, his brows already were furrowed, expecting that bitch. 

But it's not her. 

It's a dark-skinned woman dressed in nurse clothing. She apparently works in that hospital. She looks tired as fuck, and Alec immediately wants to buy her another coffee.

"And you are?" The woman asks warily before closing the door behind her.

"I'm Alec...Alec Lightwood. And you?"

"I'm Catarina Loss. Magnus friend. How does it come that we don't know each other, though you're sitting on my friend's bed, holding his hand?"

Cat steps closer to the bed, checking on Magnus for a brief moment before her eyes find Alec's again.

"Uhm...yeah. It's quite complicated. I mean. Magnus and I know each other for a few years now. I...we met at a coffee shop I worked at during my studies." Alec explains carefully. He indeed feels guilty for not helping Magnus earlier or enough. That he maybe hasn't reached out enough.

"Oh...you're the famous Alexander? Honestly, it's so good to finally meet you."

To say Alec is surprised is an understatement. Alec's brow shoots up at this exclamation. And Catarina just smiles at him for a moment before she starts to explain.

"Magnus couldn't stop gushing about you. He really likes you a lot. And I'm so glad that you are here."

Alec is astonished to say at least that Magnus really has talked about him to his friends. That he, maybe, feels the same towards him.

"I'm glad, too...I was genuinely concerned about him. He spent the night at mine about a week ago, and I haven't heard from him since then," Alec confesses, feeling his cheeks flaming at Catarina's words. Knowing that Magnus likes him a lot does things to him...he's never known anything like that.

"He wanted to ask you out on a date as soon as your final exams were over, you know? Oh, please, don't tell Magnus I said that, okay? I mean, he'll have enough to figure out before he's back on track. But just...don't give up on him. He has the purest soul I've ever got to know. And I just want him to be happy for once in his life. When he talks about you and your rants about coming exams, his eyes light up in a way I haven't seen before."

Hearing those words from Catarina makes Alec's heart break even more for Magnus in a bittersweet way. Alec hates to see him suffer like that. But there is no way to let him down. Not when he is already on his knees. And definitely not when Alec knows about Magnus' feelings.

Magnus wanted to ask him out . God, that knowledge alone lets him tear up.

"I uhm...I tried to ask him out the day he came in with that bitch. God, I worked up all the courage for that day. I know it took me an eternity, and yeah...well. I thought she made him happy. I think at first she maybe did. But apparently, that was a long time ago. If Magnus lets me, I'm with him. All the way. I'll do everything."

And Alec means just that. He will fight with Magnus if the lawyer wants him to do that. Alec's voice is hoarse as he speaks. Never has he felt so much for a person. And Alec is sure that he will never feel something like that with another man.

"Camille is the worst that could've happened to him. God, I hate her to the bones. Even more, now that I see in what a bad condition Magnus is. But I'm sure after that, she'll get arrested." And yet, Catarina smiles at Alec, taking his free hand for a moment. "I'm glad to hear that. Knowing that will surely help Magnus. Will you stay for a while longer? My shift starts in a few. Ragnor may be on his way, but the flight from London takes him a while...it would be nice to know that Magnus has company when he wakes up."

"Of course, I stay. I have a few days off anyway before I start working, so I'm in no rush," Alec explains, smiling as Catarina sighs in relief.

They decide to change their numbers to keep each other updated on Magnus' condition. Alec is relieved to get Catarina's number. From now on, there's no way to lose track of Magnus ever again. 

Catarina leaves soon after, and Alec stays at Magnus' side, just like he promised.

And while Alec decides to bring a chair up to Magnus' bed to sit more comfortably, he doesn't realize at first that the lawyer woke up and is watching his movements.

It's just when he sits down on the chair and brings his eyes back to Magnus that he realizes it. Smiling gently, Alec takes Magnus' hand back in his, squeezing it tenderly.

"Hey," Alec murmurs silently, giving Magnus all the time to catch up with the things that happened to him.

"You came," are Magnus' first words after a long moment of silence. His voice is rough, and he has to clear his throat a few times. But other than that, Magnus's voice sounds so surprised. Like he's not allowed himself to even hope Alec would come. 

Alec reaches out for a glass of water and helps Magnus to drink some. 

"Of course I came," he assures the lawyer. Alec would do anything for Magnus. God, the lawyer means so much to him. And Alec will make sure that Magnus will see how much he deserves to be taken care of.

"Thank you," Magnus murmurs then, carefully searching for any sign of disgust in Alec's face. Alec is sure that Magnus won't find what he's looking for. He couldn't be disgusted with Magnus. Never. Even in his wrecked, exhausted state, Magnus still is the most beautiful human being. The most gentle person he's ever met. And Alec is a hundred percent sure that he will never meet a person he feels as much for as for Magnus.

"You're welcome," Alec answers, just as gentle as before. "Do you need anything else? Are you in pain?" He can't bear the thought of Magnus being in pain. He has enough to go through. He surely doesn't need any pain to add to the list.

"No...no, I'm okay...well as good as possible," Magnus answers, thoroughly honest. Magnus carefully sits up in his bed, wincing silently from time to time. But Alec lets him. He would feel more comfortable, too, if it were him in that hospital bed.

"Alexander. I heard some of the conversation between you and Cat. And I'm so sorry for making you worry about me." 

Magnus's eyes don't meet Alec's as he speaks. And yet, his hand is clutching Alec's for dear life. 

"I just...I didn't know how to cope...and Camille. She's in the past now, and I have to figure out what to do next. I didn't want to bother you more than I already did. And I'm ashamed about letting it come so far. That's not me. I...I'm so very sorry."

"You worried me endlessly, Magnus. But I would go through this again if it just means to get to know you," Alec answers with a shrug. "And you never bothered me. Hearing your voice...seeing you was everything I wanted, honestly. Knowing you're still out there brought a little relief. I felt honored that you reached out to me."

Magnus smiles weakly, trying to make himself as comfortable as possible. He's fighting with his emotions; it's obvious. And Alec gives him all the time he needs.

"I was really out of it..." Magnus confesses then after another long moment of silence between them. "I...I really need to leave for a while...go to rehab. Get my life back under control...Alexander, I'm no good company for you."

Alec understands what Magnus means. It's for the best, surely. But he won't let Magnus push him away; there's no way for him to allow that to happen.

"I understand that you need rehab. That you need to get away for a while. I think it's for the best, too. But just...don't push me away, okay? I mean...you didn't list me as your emergency contact for no reason, right?"

Magnus risks another look at him. Seeing still no disgust in Alec's face, he lets his eyes connected with Alec's. They're red-rimmed, watery, and Alec thinks to realize a glimpse of hope in them.

"I'm a mess, Alexander. I need to figure so many things out."

Alec nods in understanding. He knows that Magnus needs time. 

Alec just...he can't lose Magnus again.

"I won't ask for much. I know you have to clear your head. Go away for a while. Just don't...I don't know...don't forget about me? Let me know from time to time how you're doing? I can wait for you."

Magnus smiles the most bittersweet smile at him before he squeezes Alec's hand tenderly.

"I still don't know why you're wasting your time with me. But okay...I think I can do that, Alexander. I try to."

Alec nods gratefully. That's something he can work with, something he can accept.

"Okay...thank you. Magnus, you're special to me, if you know it or not. Since the moment we met, to be honest. I...you really are important to me."

Alec still knows their first conversation as if it was yesterday. He will remember it when he's old. He will never forget about it.

"Likewise, Alexander. I wish I could cope with all this in a way you deserve. But I can't. Camille turned my world upside down in a way I never thought would happen again. And before I can start anything else, I have to figure my stuff out. "

"I understand that. Really. We can talk whenever you're ready."

"Sounds good."

***

A month passes by in no time. Just like Magnus told Alec, he went to rehab two days after being brought into the hospital. 

Magnus keeps his promise to update Alec on his condition. However, it's through Catarina, who visits Magnus once a week. But Alec doesn't mind as long as he hears from Magnus. And Catarina tells him that Magnus, indeed, is doing better. That he is working hard to get back on track.

Alec also keeps his promise and just waits for Magnus to reach out to him. It's hard. Alec can't deny it. 

But he does.

Camille's arrested. Magnus had pressed charges against her as soon as possible. Cat told Alec that it hadn't been the first time Magnus and Camille had dated. That she'd saved Magnus' life years ago and still thought Magnus should be grateful for that. That he had to do like she wanted him to.

But as far as Alec understands, Magnus has, thanks to the therapy, finally accepted that he saved his life. That it's Magnus who made his way back. Just like he's doing now.

***

Alec is relieved when he finally is off from work. He loves his job as a cop. The working hours are fucking long, and most of the time, he's exhausted as hell. But Alec is glad about the distraction. He's somehow sad that he had to quit his job at the coffee shop. But there's not much time left for him, and Alec likes to spend it with Izzy or Jace.

He finds out that they're both started dating and honestly can't wait to meet the people his siblings think are worthy enough.

Another two weeks pass by.

It's a Saturday night when Alec all but stumbles out of the police department. He has the rest of the weekend and Monday off from work and can't wait to catch up with some much-needed sleep.

Wondering if he should take a short nap in his car, Alec doesn't spend attention to his surroundings before he's right in front of his car. Searching for the keys, Alec suddenly realizes a pair of shoes in front of him. 

His heart stops a beat for a moment before he carefully looks up.

And what he sees makes his heart stop beating once more. His breath gets caught in his throat before he exhales it with a surprised gasp.

"Magnus?"

He wears make-up and jewelry. Well, not as much as when they first met, but he does. His hair is done, spiked up, and Alec recognizes the burgundy shirt he wears immediately. The shirt Magnus was dressed in when they first met.

He is skinnier than then, but he looks healthy. And he is smiling at Alec, though he can immediately sense the nervousness radiating from Magnus.

"Hello, darling."

They stand in front of each other for a while, just taking in each other.

"I'm not hallucinating, am I?" Alec finally says, his voice hoarse and full of emotions.

Magnus chuckles a little, stepping closer to Alec. He carefully takes his hand in his and looks at him with a light smile.

"No, you're not. Though you seem like you're about to fall asleep at any second."

"I've had some work back there. But I'm okay, really." Alec smiles then, finally able to do so. "Magnus?"

"Hm?"

"Can I hug you? And ask some questions?"

Alec has so many questions. He wants to know so many things. But first of all, he just needs his beautiful lawyer back in his arms. 

Magnus smiles gently yet nervously but nods anyway.

"Of course, Alexander."

Alec's sure he hasn't moved this fast in his entire life. Crashing his body against Magnus', he hears the lawyer gasp surprisedly before he finally feels Magnus' arms around him as well.

"I didn't know you missed me so much," Magnus whispers after a moment, the surprise still evident in his voice. Alec cradles Magnus even closer, if that's possible, and nods.

"I did."

Alec doesn't need to say much more. He simply decides to show Magnus just how much he missed him. And after a moment, he feels Magnus relaxing into Alec's arms.

It takes them a while to pull apart again.

"Let me drive you home, Alexander. And if you want, we can talk?"

Alec nods in agreement once more.

"Seems like a plan," he answers eagerly, not wanting to give Magnus the chance to change his offer again.

"It's okay...I won't disappear."

Magnus, once more, smiles gently at Alec, sensing his fear immediately.

Alec lets Magnus drive him. He really is tired and just glad that he doesn't need to concentrate on the New Yorker traffic.

"I should've come in the morning," Magnus mentions as he pulls into a parking lot near Alec's apartment. "You should get some rest before we talk."

"Oh...no, no. I'm fine, really." Alec assures quickly. He can't let Magnus leave now, fuck no. 

"You're not, Alexander. I know you have the rest of the weekend off. Cat told me. We have time. There's no need to rush now."

"But..."

"No buts. I can stay with you if you want that," Magnus suggests right away, giving Alec no chance to argue. But well, Alec would be an idiot if he says something against that offer. As long as Magnus doesn't disappear, everything's fine.

"Okay."

"Hard to get, hm?" Magnus chuckles amusedly as they both get out of the car and head in the direction of Alec's apartment.

"If it comes to you...well, no," Alec answers, honestly. All his barriers are down around the lawyer. But other than that, he's just so tired and so goddamn happy that Magnus is with him. If Alec's honest, he's feared that Magnus might not come back. More so when Cat told him that Magnus was released and at home.

But here he is, right at Alec's side, willing to talk.

Alec couldn't be more fortunate.

It doesn't take them long to lie next to each other on Alec's bed again. 

Facing each other, Alec finds Magnus smiling at him. Some of the old sparkle Alec had grown fond of has come back to his beautiful eyes. It's nice to recognize that. Alec had given him the same clothes he'd worn the last time, having them folded and waiting for Magnus on a chair.

"So, Alexander. Now that I'm better...can I do anything to make you more comfortable? I promise I will be there when you wake up but is there more I can do for you?" 

Alec, already half-asleep, smiles at that question. He knows exactly what he wants.

"Well, I wouldn't mind some cuddling," Alec answers silently, observing Magnus carefully. He's still afraid that he's going too far. 

But he shouldn't worry too much.

Magnus is fast to agree. He moves closer, pulling Alec into his arms. And even if Magnus still is much skinnier than before, the moment Alec places his head onto his chest, he knows he belongs just there. Nowhere else.

And the way Magnus squeezes him tenderly and holds him close shows Alec that he still feels the same. Alec almost melts into Magnus' arms, humming delightfully, before he falls into a deep slumber.

***

Magnus stays to his promise. He holds Alec through the rest of the night, right into the morning.

And when Alec wakes up, he feels more rested than ever before in his life. 

"Morning," he murmurs before he stretches his body and yawns silently.

"Good morning to you as well, Alexander. I hope you had a good night's rest?"

"I don't think I've slept that well and deep before," Alec confesses honestly with a shy smile before he sits up slowly. "But, I hope you found some rest as well."

"You were a dead weight on my chest, darling. But I would never complain. I must admit, the feeling is mutual. I haven't slept that well in a long time."

Alec smiles at these words, feeling the truth in them.

"That's great. Really. Breakfast?" He asks then. Alec can't really remember when he last ate something, but the more he wakes, the more he realizes how hungry he is.

Magnus agrees, and not much time later, they're sitting in front of each other, enjoying their breakfast.

"I guess there's nothing else that stops us from talking." Magnus starts after they'd done the dishes together.

"Only if you're ready, Magnus. I told you I won't push."

"You're not pushing. I'm here on my own free will, right?"

Alec smiles at that, knowing that Magnus is right. But yet, Alec just wants to make sure that Magnus shouldn't feel forced to talk.

"Okay, let's get started then."

They refill their coffee before they decide to take a seat on the couch next to each other.

"This will take a while, Alexander. The things I'm going through start early in my life, and I want you to know all about them before deciding what we're going to do. Is that okay, or do you have other plans for today?"

"Nope...no plans. I'm glad that you're here and ready to talk, and I will listen all along."

Alec would've canceled his plans anyway if he had some. But Cat had made him suspicious the other day, and to be honest, Alec had hoped for Magnus to show up.

Magnus visibly relaxes for a moment. He takes a sip of his coffee before placing the cup on the table.

"I just ask you to ask your questions after I finished my story. I only talked to my friends about it. And to the therapist. I hardly trust anyone enough. But I always felt that you might be worth it. And I hope I'm right."

Alec nods in agreement, feeling a shiver running down his spine at Magnus' words.

"I won't ask a question until you tell me to. I promise."

Magnus inhales deeply, folding his hands in his lap.

"Okay, let's get started then."

Magnus is eight when his mother decides to kill herself, and his step-father tells Magnus that he isn't lovable enough to keep him.

And so he comes to an orphanage.

Magnus doesn't understand what's going on. 

Why his mother killed herself nor why his step-father didn't want him. 

He jumps from foster family to foster family. 

But no one wants to have him in the long row. 

Magnus always is too much to handle. 

No one grows fond of him. No one loves him.

And the more he thinks about it, the more he believes that his mother killed herself because he had been too much all the time.

And the more he believes it, the angrier he becomes. Builds walls around him. Let's no one close anymore.

That's when the orphanage decides that he's "difficult to place." To say it in his own words: no one wants to have Magnus in his family. And they stop trying to find one for him.

If it hadn't been for Catarina and Ragnor, who he met at school, life would've become a dark place for Magnus, that's for sure.

When Magnus finally can move out of the orphanage, he does it without a second thought. Working as much as he can, Magnus can afford the smallest apartment, which apparently is a one-room piece of shit. But it's his, and he's happy there.

For a few years, all Magnus does is going to school, working, and learning. He doesn't get much sleep, but it's worth it. Magnus is good enough at school to get a college scholarship. 

Magnus' decision to become a lawyer is one of the things he never questioned. Somehow, he never had another goal in his life.

Life is good during college. But when he has to switch places to live in New York when it's time to go to university, things change for him. 

Especially when Magnus meets Camille Becourt.

They meet at the university when Magnus finds himself struggling with his new life.

He feels lost and alone, with Cat and Ragnor too far away for Magnus' taste. Just when he thinks he's done with this shit, on the edge of a goddamn bridge, Magnus meets this beautiful woman. She stops him from doing what Magnus knows now, he'd never done.

Meeting Camille makes him smile again. And God, Magnus falls hard for her. Magnus had lovers before. Many to say so. Searching for the one person that he can rely on. But he never was lucky enough. People use to tell him that he's too much, or, the opposite, not enough.

With Camille, though, Magnus thinks he finally found the one person that can love him the way he is.

And it works for a few months. Magnus never was so lucky in forever.

But quickly, as soon as Camille starts to get bored with him, she tries to change him. "Don't wear so much make-up. Are you a girl?" "God, that shirt...bottom it up." "Why do you even need bracelets and rings? They're meant for women. Are you a goddamn woman?" "Oh, please...you're so loud." "You're clingy. Why do you always want to cuddle?" And that goes on and on and on. 

Magnus loves to be in physical contact with his beloved ones. He loves holding hands. He fucking loves cuddling.

But Camille doesn't look at his needs or their needs. It's always about her and what she demands. She starts asking him to do some favors - always telling him that she saved his life and that he should be grateful for it. What he is...right? Camille's demands become more and more unbearable. Until he doesn't recognize him anymore.

He's a wrack. Just doing what Camille says. Acting like he likes it even when he knows he doesn't. When he hates himself for being so fucking weak.

But he just wants someone who loves him, and when Camille is pleased with him, Magnus is kind of okay. Well, at least he's convincing himself that he is. 

But he knows he isn't.

Magnus stops talking to his friends, can't concentrate on anything. He thinks about quitting uni. 

Camille is consuming him altogether.

When Cat and Ragnor come in for a visit after living in New York for a few months, they finally talk sense into him. Seeing Magnus in such a bad condition makes them stay much longer than planned. 

"If Camille and Ragnor hadn't shown up, I'm sure it would've killed me. I owe them my life, Alexander."

Magnus breaks up with Camille. Cat and Ragnor are there, watching Camille packing her stuff and getting out of Magnus' apartment when he's not able to. They guide him, give him company until Magnus finally feels better. He ties all his bonds with Camille, concentrates on his studies, and finishes university with an outstanding exam. 

Magnus starts his job as a lawyer in a tiny law office. He's nothing more but a trainee first but quickly proves to everyone how good he is at what he's doing. 

Magnus becomes quite successful, and life actually becomes better. Magnus starts to learn again what he likes. And that includes make-up, jewelry, and fancy clothes. And God, Magnus starts to love himself again.

Catarina moves to New York as well, starting her job as a nurse in a hospital. Ragnor, though, moves to London. The three of them stay in contact for all these years, they're his best friends and the only people he trusts.

But well, Magnus doesn't let anyone else come close, not wanting to risk getting hurt again. He yet has his lovers from time to time. But only for a night, nothing more. Magnus doesn't want anything else, feeling deep inside him that Camille has wrecked a part of his heart.

And that goes on for many years. Well, until Magnus meets Alexander in that beautiful little coffee shop, he stumbles across after a great night at the Pandemonium.

Alexander catches his eyes immediately, even before Magnus steps into the coffee shop. That messy black hair. Those hazel eyes. His stuttering...the shyness. Those expressive eyebrows and that jawline. 

God. 

Magnus's instantly attracted to this beautiful man.

And even if he doesn't want to, Magnus finds himself coming every month to that little coffee shop only to meet Alexander. 

And over the years, they have somewhat become friends. They know a lot about each other, enjoy their little conversations every time they can. 

Magnus appreciates this kind of friendship. He still has to learn to trust again, and he feels that this way, it's good for him.

Magnus soon learns that Alec's very focused on his studies and that there isn't much time for anything else. He's determined to become a cop to do something good. Magnus really can see Alec as a cop as a detective, maybe. The university, studying, and the coffee shop's work take a lot of time from Alec. He takes these things very seriously. Another thing about Alec Magnus really likes.

It's then that Magnus decides to wait...wait until Alec finishes university and adjusts to his new life. He can ask him out for a date then. They have time. Alec is young, and Magnus isn't old either. There's no need to rush. And he's okay with that.

But one Sunday night, Magnus stumbles across Camille again. She's lived in London for a few years. 

They haven't seen each other since their breakup.

Camille apologizes with tears in her eyes for her bad behavior. 

And Magnus? 

Goddamn, blind he is. He believes every word Camille says, and when she asks him to go out on a date with him, Magnus instantly agrees.

It's so pathetic, but Magnus is fucking lonely. 

Sure, it's Magnus' decision to wait for Alexander. But he's craving to have the love he needs so much.

And Camille gives it to him.

He's let some of his walls down since knowing Alexander, and as if Camille senses it, she jumps at him, consuming him once more.

Like the first time, things are great between them. 

Only the hurt in Alec's eyes when he brings Camille with him on a Sunday morning cushions his happiness. But he doesn't want to read too much into it. 

Alexander will be alright. 

He's young. He will find someone.

But once more, life, or to say it better, Camille doesn't mean any good with him.

Like all those years before, she starts to criticize him, his style, his whole personality. Just this time, it hurts so much more. Especially when Magnus thinks about what he could have with Alexander if he only wasn't so goddamn pathetic.

To be able to cope with his feelings, Magnus quits his job and seeks oblivion in alcohol. He always enjoyed a good drink. But he can't even appreciate this anymore. 

Life becomes a sad blur over the following months.

Every time Camille goes with him, he wants to see Alexander, who tries to reach out to him with every coffee order. And all Magnus wants is to be buried in Alec's arms until he feels better again.

But Camille won't let him, always dragging him away as soon as Alec starts to talk to him. Magnus will lie if he doesn't crave Alec's comfort.

And when that day comes, Alec gives him his number with one of the purest smiles Magnus has ever seen (Camille's out and gone for two days). All he does at first is to cry himself into a full-grown panic attack. When he finally manages to dial Alec's number, it's already night.

But Alec doesn't seem to mind. Instead, he makes Magnus feel like he's welcome. Like he loves spending time with Magnus.

From then on, Magnus calls Alec almost every night. 

Hearing his voice makes it easier to cope. But at the same time, everything hurts so much more. 

Magnus is stuck. And he fucking knows that he has to get rid of Camille.

And when he finally tries to, Camille hits him for the first time. "Accidentally," of course. But from then on, it happens more often. And at some point, Magnus doesn't know what to do anymore. Until he, one day, finds himself in front of Alec's apartment. Pathetically drunk, he waits until Alec finally arrives and spends the night with him.

And the comfort Alec so selflessly offers him throughout the whole night shatters him even more. But it also makes it more evident for him what he has to do.

And that's what he does. 

It takes him a whole week. 

A week of fighting. 

A week full of pain, physically and emotionally.

Magnus does know that Camille packed her belongings and left. And he does know that he decided to have a few last drinks before he starts to sort out his life once more.

But yeah. He's not that strong, of course.

Magnus wakes up in a hospital with Alec at his side.

If it's possible, Magnus feels even worse for making Alec worry so much.

Magnus can't promise anything to his dearest Alexander. But, of course, he's so understanding. Just asks Magnus to keep him updated from time to time. And all Magnus thinks is that he fucking doesn't deserve so much kindness.

He goes to rehab, absolutely aware that his problem isn't just his emotional state but also his drinking. And during his withdrawal, he learns many things about himself.

First off, he's fucking great , just the way he is. Magnus was successful with many things in his life. He made it to a lawyer all on his fucking own just to give an example. It takes Magnus quite a while to see it; more so to believe it. But at one point, he does. And he starts to be proud of what he has become.

Secondly, Magnus doesn't deserve any pain. And he also doesn't need to seek oblivion in anything. Magnus learns that doing sports is something to help him clear his head. He starts doing yoga while in rehab, and it lessens the tension in his mind and body. Magnus feels better with every passing day.

When he's finally released, Magnus takes two more weeks to adjust himself. Together with Catarina and Ragnor, he cleans up the mess that's his apartment and buys new furniture. 

Magnus also gets his old job back. 

Yes, he is doing better. 

With every day.

The only thing left is talking to Alexander. Magnus knows that it's much needed. Not just because he promised it, but because Magnus feels like he needs it to recover fully. And, most importantly, Magnus really wants to see Alec again. He's missed him, his presence, the sound of his voice. Everything about him.

And when Cat tells him that Alexander has two days off from work, Magnus sees that as a sign.

He takes the chance and waits for Alec in front of the police department. Hours, to be honest. 

But Magnus doesn't mind. Because when he sees this precious human stepping outside, heading to his car, Magnus can't help but smile.

And when Magnus holds Alexander, sleeping peacefully in his arms, he also can't help but feel whole again.

"But I have to make one thing clear, Alexander. I'm still adjusting; in the progress of getting back on track. I don't want to burden you with that without your knowledge. That would be unfair. I wanted to ask you out on a date as soon as you finished university. That's the case now. But things have changed. I'm not the person I used to be. Not yet. My feelings toward you haven't changed, though. But I do understand if you're not willing to give us a chance. You're younger than I. You don't deserve a struggling man like I am. But yet, here I am, asking you to give me...to give us a chance."

Alec remains silent after these words, waiting for Magnus to continue or not. He promised it, after all. Bending his head to look at Magnus, he finds the other's man's golden eyes looking at him in amusement and nervousness.

"I am allowed to talk now, am I?" Alec says, realizing that Magnus indeed is waiting for an answer. 

The lawyer chuckles in amusement and nods.

The first thing Alec does is reaching out his hand to grab Magnus'. He squeezes the lawyer's hand tenderly before he starts to talk.

"I wanted to ask you out on a date as well, you know? Remember the day you brought that bitch with you for the first time? That was the day I finally had found all the courage. I know that you're still struggling. Or adjusting. Or whatever you want to call it. But as for you, things haven't changed for me as well. I know it might not be easy at first. But I believe that there's something about us. And I really, really wanna give us that chance."

Magnus exhales a shuddering breath, his shoulder's slump down in a sudden relaxation.

But still, he hesitates as he locks his eyes with Alec's. 

"Are you sure, Alexander? I have to ask you for so many things until...I burdened you so much already. You could have way better than me."

Alec only snorts at these words. 

"Yeah, sure. I'm sorry to tell you that, but Magnus, I have never felt anything like that than when I'm around you. I...I don't want anyone else because, for me, you're the best thing I can imagine happening to me. We fit. We understand each other without many words. We trust each other. I can do what you ask me for. I can wait for whatever you need me to. But I will not give up on you because you're still in the progress of healing. You're worth every second of waiting."

Alec sees the tears before they spill out of Magnus' eyes, and he's fast to wrap his arms around the lawyer, hugging him close. Magnus melts into Alec's embrace, bringing his own arm around Alec's waist.

"Thank you, Alexander. Honestly," Magnus sobs silently, clinging to Alec for a while.

"There's no need to," Alec silently answers, holding Magnus as close as possible.

And from then on, there's not much they do apart aside from work.

Chapter Text

1.

Healing, though, takes time. 

And Magnus has some issues he's still working on. 

Since Camille used to hit him, Magnus is easily startled, especially when he gets an unexpected touch.

Alec is understanding as ever, warning him whenever he thinks it's needed. Magnus couldn't be more grateful.

It's one of the things that makes him trust Alec more and more. He feels more relaxed, almost like before he came back together with Camille.

And when a few months pass by, Magnus tells Alec to stop warning him.

And it works.

2.

"I have something for you."

Magnus raises his brow in a silent question. 

Alec and Izzy met for lunch today. 

Magnus knows that. But he hasn't asked Alec to bring something for him. None of his relationships has brought him presents before. Magnus simply isn't used to this kind of thing.

Before Magnus opens his mouth to ask his question, Alec reaches out his hand, handing him a plastic bag.

"It's just...Izzy dragged me into that shop, and that made me think of you," Alec confesses shyly, a blush appearing on his cheeks.

Magnus takes the bag and looks inside. 

It's an eyeshadow palette.

A palette with all the colors Magnus used to wear. No. Loved to wear.

Before and in between Camille.

"Alexander," he croaks out, his hands start to tremble slightly. "I...I don't know what to say."

Alec steps closer, hesitantly as if unsure if Magnus actually wants him close. But it's all Magnus needs because he feels like he's falling apart in an instant.

"Shit...Magnus. I thought you'd be happy about it...throw it away, God, I'm sorry," Alec says, trying to stay calm, even if Magnus thinks to hear the frustration in his voice.

"No...no. Alexander, it's fine. I...I'll try it."

Of course, Magnus thinks that Alec's frustration is directed towards him. What else should it be?

"No!"

Alec steps closer, carefully, though.

"I'm not mad at you, Magnus. Please don't ever think that. Can I come closer?"

Magnus lets out a breath and nods. Of course. 

Alec is at his side in an instant, hugging him. He murmurs apologizes even if none of that is needed. It's Magnus fault, after all.

"Don't...it's not your fault, Alexander," Magnus whispers reassuringly. He desperately tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

It's not the fact that he hates Alec's present. 

He fucking loves it. 

All the colors on that palette...they're beautiful. And that it reminds Alec of him. It leaves Magnus speechless. 

"Talk to me, Magnus," Alec whispers then, squeezing Magnus gently. He's always so understanding when it comes to Magnus' issues. After all these months, Magnus sometimes still can't understand why Alec still thinks he's worth all the trouble.

"It's just...I'm so fucking happy about the palette. Don't get me wrong, Alexander. It's just...overwhelming. That you love me the way I am. You spend money on my make-up, instead of telling me I shouldn't wear it...it makes me so fucking happy. You can't imagine how much. But I don't understand why. Why do you do that?"

They pull apart a little to look at each other. Magnus feels his lips tremble, but he manages to keep his tears at bay. The smile Alec shows him calms him down even more.

"Because you're worth it. Magnus, you deserve so much more than that. I want to see you smile. I want you to put make-up on whenever you want to and as much as you want. God, you're beautiful with or without that. But it makes you happy, and when you're happy, I am, too. And if I'm honest, I love to watch you put it on."

Magnus leans back into Alec's arms as he listens to his boyfriend's words.

"You watch me while I do my make-up?" Magnus all but whispers in awe. He hasn't realized it. Magnus just learned again to enjoy doing make-up. He hasn't recognized anything else.

"Yes. I hope it's not weird to you. But I really...I enjoy it as well, you know?"

Magnus can't help but smile at Alec's honest words. Despite his puffy eyes, he looks up, meeting Alec's hazel ones. 

"How do you always know what to say, exactly when I need it?" He asks then. Magnus isn't ashamed of his behavior, has learned that this is a part of him now. It's not that he likes it, but he accepts it. And Alec does as well.

"Uhm...I just...I guess I say what comes to my mind?" Alec asks then, a tender smile covering his beautiful face. There's still a hint of trouble in his beautiful eyes.

"It's perfect...you're perfect, Alexander. Thank you for this precious gift, and I'm sorry for the trouble I caused once more."

He knows that he doesn't have to apologize, not in front of Alec, but does it anyway. Alec doesn't deserve this. He shouldn't have to deal with his shit. But he's always there when Magnus needs him.

"No need to apologize. It's okay, really." Alec smiles at him before he gives him a gentle peck on the lips. "So...you like it?" He asks then, hopefully.

"Of course I do. Those colors. That really is one of my favorite palettes." Magnus admitted honestly, eyeing his present once more, this time without this overwhelming feeling but with happiness spreading through his body. "Did you chose it?" He asks then, just out of curiosity.

"Izzy helped me a little getting the right ones. But I wanted those colors. They remind me of when we first met, you know? I love those red and gold tints on you. And I'm glad I got the right ones." Alec admits honestly, yet with a shy smile. He's always so adorable when he's like this, and Magnus can't help but smile again. 

"I'll try them tomorrow. I can't wait, though."

"Is it okay if I watch you?" Alec asks then, and Magnus nods in agreement. 

"If you like it so much, who am I to decline?" 

His mood is a lot better than before. And knowing that Alec loves watching him doing his make-up sends a thrill of anticipation down his spine.

Magnus has never had something like this before. And he cherishes every moment of it.

On the following morning, Magnus sits in front of his mirror. He starts to put his make-up on when Alec makes himself comfortable on Magnus' bed and watches him. Magnus takes a moment to look at his precious boyfriend in the reflection of the mirror. They smile tenderly at each other for a moment before Magnus gets back to his work.

3.

"God, I love you, Magnus!"

These three little words come as unexpected as everything about Alexander. 

Magnus can't help but freeze. He hasn't expected this from Alec. Although he has learned that he deserves love, Magnus sometimes still can't believe that someone really loves him. Without a doubt.

"Magnus?"

Realizing that he's in a stupor, Magnus forces himself to look at Alec. He's sure his eyes are full of insecurity, full of doubt. None of the people he's been with said those three words to him. His friends, of course. But none of the people he used to love.

But Alec. His precious Alexander throws these words at him as if they're pretty natural. As if Magnus is his one and only. And, God, Magnus knows he is. But he doesn't know how to act on it. 

He's staring at Alec, not able to say a word. But his breathing increases, getting out of control. 

He's in a full-grown panic attack before he even realizes it.

Like always, Alec is fast at his side, soothing him, helping him to breathe, to calm down as much as possible.

Magnus isn't even able to say a lot for a while. He's so shocked by Alec's words that he simply can't.

Alec loves him.

God.

And Magnus believes him. He sees it in every feature of Alexander's face. In the way, he keeps him company right now or whenever Magnus is like that.

He is getting better, though.

But this...this is so much more than Magnus ever expected.

Alec lays Magnus down, without him even realizing it, cradling him to his chest. 

Magnus hasn't realized how tense his body actually is before he feels himself relaxing against Alec. It takes Magnus a while to move his arms around Alec's body, but when he does, Magnus can't find words to tell Alec how glad he is that he's still here. That he's not giving up on him.

And as if Alec can actually read his thoughts, he whispers.

"I'm here, okay. I'm not going anywhere."

Magnus nods shakily against Alec's chest and, of course, believes him.

"I know...sorry."

"Don't. I overwhelmed you, huh?"

Magnus snorts weakly but nods anyway. It's rather obvious that he is, indeed, totally overwhelmed.

"No one has ever said these words to me. Well, my friends did. But that's not the thing. I've never heard those words from a person I loved."

He feels Alec nodding his head in understanding.

"But I really mean it, you know? I love you, Magnus Bane. From head to toe. And with everything that comes with you."

Magnus holds his breath for a while before he lets it out shakily.

"You really do."

It's a statement, not a question, but Alec answers it anyway.

"Yes. I really do love you. So freaking much."

Magnus can't help the watery chuckle that escapes his throat. He snuggles closer to the comforting warmth of Alec's body, who strengthens his embrace in response.

"I..." Magnus starts, but he really doesn't know what to say. He loves Alec, wanted to tell him for the longest time. But right now, he feels like he can't voice them.

"You don't have to say it back, you know? It's alright. Don't think I'm mad at you if you don't."

The relief that fills Magnus at these words is unbelievable. Alec would never force him into anything. Magnus knows that. But sometimes he needs a prove, and Alec? He absolutely selflessly gives it to him.

"Thank you...I will..."

"No...don't make promises. I don't need that. It's really okay, Magnus."

Alec tenderly kisses the top of his head. Soon after, Magnus bends his head to kiss Alexander properly in a silent thank you. Magnus knows that Alec is the love of his life. There will be no other man or woman. But he needs time, only a little more.

"Thank you, Alexander. As always. Thank you so so much."

4.

Magnus really does realize that Alec, indeed, will never leave him. That he's not making fun of him. That Magnus can rely on Alec whenever he needs to. And Magnus quickly learns that Alec wants him just the way he is.

It's when Magnus works on an important case that he realizes it for the first time.

Magnus spends much more time in the office. He forgets about time. 

But he has an important job. It's his responsibility to win this case for his client. And so he finds himself exhausted on a Friday evening. When he rises to his feet and checks the clock, his heart stops a beat when he recognizes that it's already past ten and that he's missed dinner with Alexander.

And suddenly, Magnus feels like he can't move anymore. He's consumed with guilt. He's sure that Alec will be super mad with him. He must be. Magnus barely had time for weeks now, and this was supposed to be their first dinner in a while.

Magnus doesn't even know how he makes his way to Alec's home. Honestly.

Heart pounding in his chest, Magnus forgets about the key he is supposed to use. Instead, he knocks at the door. Seeing his hand tremble, Magnus is quick to put it back down, playing with the hem of his jacket. Shit, he's nervous.

Alec is quick to open the door, fully dressed, with his car's keys in his hands. He looks distressed until he recognizes that it's Magnus who's standing in front of him.

"You're okay," Alec all but breathes out, relief suddenly written all over his face as he pulls Magnus into his arms. 

"Alexander," Magnus only manages to answer. He's not even able to bring his arms around Alec as well, while his boyfriend clings to his body, cradles him even closer.

It doesn't take Alec long to recognize that something's wrong, and he pulls back to take a closer look at Magnus, his brows furrowed with worry.

"Hey...what's wrong? Did something happen?"

Magnus shakes his head, a shaky breath escaping his lungs.

"I missed our dinner, Alexander."

Why isn't Alec mad with him?

Why can't Magnus just accept Alec's kindness?

Fuck.

"Yes. I just wanted to come and check on you. I tried to call you, but it went straight to the mailbox."

Magnus isn't sure where he's left his phone. He tends to forget everything around him when he has an important case.

"I was just about to leave and check on you. You are okay, aren't you?"

Alec looks at him, his eyes full of worry. And Magnus just stares at him. Alec never ceases to surprise him.

"You're not mad?"

Magnus needs to hear it. He's exhausted, drained, and just can't understand. 

"Why should I? I know you have an important case. I shouldn't have asked you in the first place. I mean, I know that you don't have much time until this is over. You're tired..." Alec tenderly drags him inside his tiny apartment and makes him sit down.

"Because I forgot about it...I lost track of time and...fuck, Alexander, I'm sorry."

Alec sits down beside him and gently shakes his head.

"You didn't forget. You're here, right? It's okay, Magnus, really. I'm not mad."

Magnus looks at his Alexander, sees the truth in his eyes, in his whole expression. After a moment, he finally gives in and nods. Magnus is just too exhausted, and for God's Sake, he believes Alec. He hasn't lied to him, not once since they know each other. Why should he start now?

"Okay."

Alec's expression softens at that.

"Good." He smiles at Magnus. "We're okay, right?"

Magnus nods. He reaches out his hand and entwines his fingers with Alec's.

"We are, darling. I'm still sorry."

"Since you are here, could we have a late dinner?" Alec asks as he squeezes Magnus' hand. "Or we lay down, watch a movie and fall asleep. I can see how exhausted you are."

"Sounds like a plan, Alexander. I really could need some rest. I'm..." Magnus usually hates to admit when he's weak. But with Alec, it seems just natural. "I really am exhausted. I'm sorry," he apologizes anyway, but his boyfriend doesn't want to have any of that.

"You've worked a lot lately. It's okay. There will be other times. Let me take care of you tonight, okay?"

Magnus feels himself nodding before his brain catches up with his actions. But this time, Magnus doesn't overthink it. He lets Alec take care of him. And it feels fucking great.

When he lies in bed, in Alec's arms, with a random movie playing in the background, Magnus can't help but thank God for having Alec in his life.

And from this day on, Alec makes sure that Magnus doesn't forget about himself, about their relationship. When he's able to, he picks Magnus up from work or brings lunch over. He takes care of Magnus in a way the lawyer never had. And with every time Alec does it, Magnus feels more and more grateful.

When the case is finally won, Magnus takes a few days off.

He spends as much time as possible with Alec and shows his boyfriend how much he appreciates him and his help throughout this busy time.

Magnus might hasn't said I love you yet. But fuck, he simply knows that he found the one person he's been searching for.

5.

Magnus tries to say these three particular words to Alec from then on. But fuck, he can't find the right time. And the more time passes, it seems to become more complicated.

Magnus and Alec are supposed to meet for lunch today.

When Alec doesn't show up at first, Magnus tries to call him a few times. Alec doesn't pick up.

Magnus finds himself crashing back into his old habits. He immediately thinks that Alec has enough of him. That he's too much for Alec to take. 

But Alec would've told him, right?

Right.

And so, after an hour or two of thinking, Magnus decides to check on Alec first, before anything else.

He makes his way to Alec's apartment and lets himself in.

And what he finds there shocks Magnus to the bones.

Alec's lying on the ground, a broken ladder beside him. He's apparently tried to change a light bulb in his living room.

"Alexander," Magnus whispers in panic, rushing to get to his boyfriend, who lies there, not moving at the sounds Magnus makes.

Falling to his knees, Magnus realizes a flesh wound on the back of Alec's head. It's not bleeding anymore, so he must've laid there for a while. Magnus' panic just increases at the mere thought.

He pulls out the phone and calls an ambulance, checking on Alec's pulse all the while.

Relieved that there's a pulse, Magnus stays at Alec's side until the ambulance arrives and transports him to the hospital.

Magnus follows the ambulance with his car, hearing Alec's voice all the way to the hospital.

"I really should get a new ladder. I'm sure it'll break the next time I try to use it."

Magnus has to wait outside while the docs check on Alec. It takes a while, and Magnus is relieved when a nurse comes out of the examination room. 

"Mr. Lightwood is awake. He's asking for you," she gently tells him, smiling reassuringly at Magnus. "He's okay. It seemed worse than it actually was."

A shaky breath leaves Magnus' body. He nods and follows the nurse into the hospital room. 

Alec is lying on the bed, head moving in his direction as soon as he steps over the threshold.

"Magnus," he murmurs with a tired smile. It's just then that Magnus realizes how tense he was until he sees his boyfriend. 

"Alexander," Magnus breathes out. He's fast at Alec's side, taking his boyfriend's hand in his. "God, Alexander. I was so worried," he whispers, feeling his eyes watering.

"I'm okay. I have a severe concussion and a few stitches where the goddamn ladder hit me." Alec smiles at him, but Magnus can't...he just can't smile the fuck back.

"I could've lost you."

The realization hits him with such a fierce that Magnus chokes on a breath. Alec could've died. And he wouldn't even know how much Magnus loves him. How important Alec is to him.

"Magnus," Alec whispers, reaching out his hand. Magnus realizes then that he's trembling. No, he's shaking from head to toe. 

"I love you!"

"What?" Alec's looking at him in confusion, but Magnus just breathes in and out before he repeats his words.

"I love you, Alexander. I love you. I should've said that so much earlier. I love you. I could've lost you today. And you wouldn't know how much you mean to me. That...no, I just can't. I love you, Alexander," he repeats over and over.

"Magnus!" Alec states firmly, after apparently having tried that a few times before. "Magnus, calm down. I'm going to be okay, and I know how much I mean to you, I know," he says when Magnus finally stops rambling.

And Magnus stares at him in confusion.

Alec carefully sits up, smiles tenderly at him, reaches out his hand once more, and gently pulls Magnus towards him.

"Come here. You're shaking."

And Magnus gives in, like always when Alec wants to comfort him. He carefully sits down on the bed and lets Alec guide him into his arms.

"I've got you, okay? Try and calm down. We can talk then. But I assure you, everything's just fine," Alec soothingly whispers into his ear, and that's the moment Magnus realizes that he's crying. The mere thought of losing Alec has shattered him. 

Magnus just clings to his boyfriend, holding onto him for dear life before he finally manages to take a deep breath. To calm down a little.

"Alexander...I'm so sorry," Magnus croaks out after a moment. It's Alec who's injured. He should take care of his boyfriend, not otherwise.

God, he's such a mess.

"Don't be. You panicked, and that's fine."

"I should be the one to take care of you, Alexander. You're hurting," Magnus whispers, this time not accepting his panic. 

But Alec, again, is not having any of that.

"And I'll be fine in a few days," he answers stubbornly. "Sooo, you love me?" Alec is fast to change the subject, bringing Magnus out of his thoughts.

"What? Uh...yes...yes for God's Sake, I love you so freaking much."

Now that he finally spilled these words out of his system, Magnus realizes that he feels so much lighter than before. Even if Alec is hurt. 

He’ll be okay. Especially with Alec at his side.

He’s loved and can love and trust again.

Magnus Bane finally feels alright.