Archive of Our Own ^beta

Major Sam Carter broke a few traffic laws driving to his house. Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, knuckles white as she navigated through the late-night traffic. She wondered why Jonas couldn't call Teal'c or just anyone else but her.

'I hate you! You did this to me! I would rather die!'

The memory of his words cut through her thoughts like a knife. She knew it was just withdrawal, but he was right. It was her fault. He didn't speak out about the torture. He just yelled at people, including her.

Damnit, that hurt. To be yelled at. To be told you were hated. All by the man you lo- I mean all by your CO.

That's why she hesitated exiting the car until she heard the-

Click

The unmistakable sound of a magazine being entered into a gun.

"Damnit!" she muttered under her breath.

She grabbed her Sauer from her glove compartment and ran up the steps of his house. The night air was cool, the silence almost oppressive. Her guard was up as she cautiously entered his house, gun in hand. She closed the door behind her and looked around the dimly lit room until she saw him.

"Sir?" The Colonel's back was to her. She couldn't see much in the dark room, but she saw the gun in his hand.

"You shouldn't be here, Carter," he said, his voice gravelly.

"Sir... what are you doing?" She holstered her sidearm and cautiously approached him.

"Carter, get out of my house. That's an order!" he almost yelled.

"No, Sir."

"No, Sir?" He stood up, his back still facing her, holding the gun. "Get out of my FUCKING HOUSE, CARTER!" he yelled.

She flinched, wondering why she didn't flinch to Jaffa torturing her with a pain stick but instead to her—no not her—the Colonel yelling. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry, sir." Her voice sounded small and she hated it.

"Why-"

"You would have rather died than be snaked. I—didn't want you to die. I didn't know the Tok'ra-"

"Carter..." He lowered his voice and turned to face her. His eyes, his face, he was unreadable. "It wasn't your fault—"

She felt tears welling up in her eyes but bit them back, deciding she was not about to cry in front of her CO. "Yes, you did. You screamed it as well as an 'I hate you'." She stepped a little closer to him. "It was selfish that I convinced you to do it, but I—I couldn't lose you too." Her voice faltered and a single tear escaped her eye.

"Carter, you know—"

"No. I don't know. All I know is that you're right. You have every reason to hate me. I don't know what happened in that fortress but I know it was bad. Hell, you were cursing Daniel—"

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Just please leave. I don't want to do anything with you here," he said, his voice almost a low hum.

"You won't do anything. I'm not leaving, sir. I don't care if you hate me or don't and I might be selfish but you aren't doing anything but relaxing, sir."

He cursed under his breath. "Carter, get out. Get out of my house." He walked towards her and grabbed her arm. "Leave," he demanded.

"Sir, please... don't." She looked into his dark, chocolate eyes for any reason, but found none. She shrugged off his hand and started to walk towards the kitchen when she heard him mumble something that sounded like "I'm sorry, Sam."

She whipped her head around to see the gun raised. "Jack, please!" she begged, letting the tears fall.