Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Would you kiss me?" Charlie asked, his voice a whisper.

The question echoed through my head. Would I kiss Charlie Spring? Do I want to kiss Charlie? I pondered for only a few seconds.

Yeah. The answer was almost immediately yes.

"Yeah," I replied breathlessly.

Our hands were placed next to each other on the ground, so I inched mine towards Charlie's and interlocked my pinky with his. He looked up at me, eyes slightly widened. He looked at me curiously.

We leaned in towards each other, and it didn't take long until his lips crashed against mine.

My mind starting racing. His lips were soft and he kissed with a gentle manner, and a bit cautious. It was like Charlie was afraid he was going to break me. Which, to be honest, he had already broken my brain.

It was different. New. The only other time I'd kissed someone was when I was thirteen at a school dance. And that was with a girl.

Charlie had made me realize things about myself that I had never even bothered to think about. I had assumed all my life that I was straight, that I only liked girls.

Charlie slightly pulled back, and looked at me. I shivered from his gaze. But not in a bad way. In a delightful, exhilarating way. I moved my hand so it was fully interlocked with all of his fingers. The corner of Charlie's mouth ticked up.

We came forward again, this time the kisses slightly more heated. He brought his hand up to the collar of my shirt and gripped onto it.

God, his lips were soft. He knew how to kiss well, too. It wasn't clumsy or awkward. I tried my best as well, although I'm pretty sure it was clear that I was the inexperienced one.

"Nick, where are y-" I heard a voice call out only milliseconds before the door banged open. I immediately jerked away from Charlie, and he did too. "Oh. My. God."

Harry fucking Greene.

Chapter Text

My heart dropped at the mocking look on Harry's face. His mouth was turned into a smile, and his eyes darted between me and Charlie.

Charlie was frozen next to me. His arms had ended up wrapped around his knees, folding in on himself. He stared in the direction of Harry, his eyes distant and vacant.

"Nick, are you fucking gay?" Harry scoffed.

My mouth opened and closed, unable to form an answer. I didn't even know. I was pretty sure I still liked girls, but now I liked Charlie. I was sure of it.

"I...um..." I stuttered. "Harry, please don't tell anyone about this," I pleaded.

"I don't know if I can keep this to myself, mate," Harry shrugged.

My stomach dropped and twisted uncomfortably. He was going to tell people..he wasn't going to keep quiet. I mean, fuck, it's Harry, he's not going to be able to keep anything to himself with that big mouth of his. My mind raced to find a way to persuade him to keep quiet.

"Oi, Harry, what's going on!?" One of the guys yelled from down the hall. The corner of Harry's mouth ticked up into a teasing smile. I knew that I was fucked.

Everyone was going to know I had kissed Charlie.

"Harry.." Charlie finally spoke up. "Please listen to Nick. You can't tell anyone."

Harry laughed mockingly at him and said, "What makes you think I'm gonna listen to you, faggot?"

Charlie's eyes dropped to the floor and he didn't say another word. My heart clenched at the name Harry had just called him, and I knew I couldn't just keep sitting there.

"Don't call him that, Harry," I said, and Harry just rolled his eyes. "I'm just...I'm gonna go."

I stood up from the ground and Charlie glanced up at me. I pulled my lips into a tight line, unable to present a smile. I looked over at Harry who was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, smirking at us. I walked out of the room, brushing past him and his concerningly large ego.

I needed to get away from that party before more people started hearing about what happened.

I jogged through the halls and down stairs, searching for an exit. I spotted a door that led outside and burst through it, taking a gulp of the fresh air. I felt like I might throw up.

My mum was picking me up at 10:30, and it was currently 10:22. I just had to wait a few minutes and then I could get the fuck out of here. I walked around the building to the front where the cars picked kids up and dropped them off.

Only three minutes later, two girls about ten feet away from me starting whispering to each other. They glanced at me every few seconds. One of them said something, and they both starting giggling. My face felt like it was on fire.

Thank god, my mum was there a few minutes early. I practically jumped into the car, and flashed a fake smile at her so she wouldn't ask questions. But, of course, she picked up pretty quickly.

"You okay, Nicky?"She asked, glancing at me with concern in her eyes.

"I'm fine, mum."

Chapter Text

My heart stopped as Nick left the room. Did he really just fucking leave me alone in a room with Harry?

I felt like I couldn't move. My arms felt cemented around my knees. Harry kept staring at me and laughing to himself,  muttering something about pathetic gays. My phone suddenly buzzed in my pocket.

Dad- Hey, where are you? I said pick up at ten

Sorry, I lost track of time. I'll be there in a minute- Charlie

It was already 10:25, so I knew that I was going to get a talking to from my dad and get yelled at by my mum. It's how they were. Dad was the gentle parent who just wanted to talk, and Mum was the one who liked to yell and blame her children for everything.

"I have to go," I muttered. Harry rolled his eyes lazily and stepped aside from the door.

"At least everyone already knows you're gay," Harry commented snarkily as I left the room.

I ran out to the front, and shakily opened my dad's car door. I sat in the passenger side of his car, unable to stop myself from trembling.

"Charlie, are you okay?" He asked gently.

I looked over at him, unable to stop the tears at seeing his genuinely concerned gaze. I started sobbing and he leaned over and hugged me. I cried into his shoulder, trying to ignore the waves of shame I felt from acting like this in front of him. Why did I have to be so fucking sensitive?

"Come on, let's go home," he said as he pulled away after a minute.

"Okay," I responded quietly after bringing myself together.

I took a deep breath and held the rest of my tears. I could cry once I got home and into my own room. My phone buzzed in my hand and I looked down.

It was an Instagram message from a guy I didn't even know asking, "Is it true Harry found you and Nick Nelson kissing???"

My stomach twisted uncomfortably. I knew that Harry was going to tell people, but I didn't know he was going to spread it this fucking fast. Luckily I just looked at the notification and not the actual message, so it wasn't marked as read. I decided to just ignore it and deleted the chat.

We finally arrived at home, and my dad turned off the car. I immediately opened the car door and started heading for the front door, needing to be alone.

I could see my mom sitting in the kitchen with her arms crossed, but I just blew right past her and up the stairs. I don't think I could handle being yelled at right then.

I settled on going to the bathroom to cry. The tears flowed quickly down my face. I looked to the bathroom drawer as a familiar urge washed over me. I know I shouldn't do it, but the thought of it felt extremely relieving.

I opened the drawer and my hand wrapped around the razor blade. I pulled up my sleeve and cut two horizontal lines into my arm. I quickly wiped it with an antiseptic wipe, and put a bandage on it; a process I had done hundreds of times before.

School was going to be hell next week.

Chapter Text

Nick's POV

I wake up the next morning, my sinuses sore from all the tears I had shed the night before. My phone buzzed every few seconds, even though it was still early in the morning. I groaned and rolled over and grabbed my phone from the table next to my bed.

My heart sank to my feet as I saw at least thirty messages from different kids at school.

Almost all of them had the same context; Were you kissing Charlie Spring last night?? A few of them were just "Omg I can't believe you're gay."

I wanted to go back to sleep and never wake up again. I wanted to bury myself deep into my blankets and never surface.

I wasn't ashamed for kissing Charlie. Not in a thousand years. But it's not like I wanted the whole fucking school to know, either. I didn't even know what I was. I didn't know much past gay, and that didn't feel right.

I scrubbed a hand over my face. It was too early to be thinking about these things.

I ignored all of the messages and slowly got out of bed. I went downstairs and my mum was sitting at the table, drinking a cuppa. She looked up and me and gave me her signature smile.

"Morning Nicky."

"Morning," I mumbled quietly.

Her eyebrows creased together and she looked at me curiously. "What's wrong love?"

"Nothing," I tried to make my voice sound a bit more cheery than it did a few seconds ago. By the look she gave me, she didn't buy it, but didn't question it either.

"Alright then. Want some tea?"

"Yeah, I'll make a cup." I made a cup of tea, and sipped it gently. I started to get lost in my thoughts as I stood in the kitchen, drinking my tea.

God, why the fuck did I leave Charlie alone with Harry last night? I should've stayed or at least brought Charlie out with me. I had to suppress a groan as I thought about this. I felt like a total asshole.

Would Charlie still like me after that? There's no denying that I still liked him. It was clear to me how I felt about him. Is it the same way for him?

I needed to talk to him.

Chapter Text

I groaned as I woke up, the events of last night and everything following immediately coming back to my mind. I didn't even bother checking my phone, I knew what was going to be on there and how many messages there were going to be. I was not ready to face all of them yet.

I got out of bed and walked downstairs. Tori was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and drinking a cup of juice.

"Morning," she said, her voice her usual monotone.

"Morning," I replied. All of the excitement I had felt about seeing Nick at the party yesterday had completely evaporated.

"What's wrong?" Tori's eyebrows creased together with slight concern.

"Nothing, just tired."

She gave me a weird look before responding with a stiff nod. She stalked away quickly with her juice, returning to the depths of her room.

I scrubbed a hand over my face. I didn't feel like eating anything this morning. I walked to the bathroom and began brushing my teeth.

The doorbell rang, "Charlie, can you get that? It's probably the post man!" My mum yelled.

"One sec!" I shouted back, mouth still full of toothpaste. I spit and rinsed my toothbrush, before putting it back in the holder.

I walked down the stairs and opened the door, expecting the post man handing me the mail.

Instead, a soaking wet Nick Nelson was standing there, breathing heavily, as if he's just ran here. And by the looks of it, he might have.

"Oh, um-" I stuttered. "Hi."

"Hi," he breathed.

There was a moment of silence before I pulled him in by his shirt, not wanting him to get soaked any further. "Come in, you're getting soaked. Did you forget a coat?" I joked, trying to break the awkward tension.

"Oh, uh, yeah, I didn't check the weather before I left," Nick laughed weakly.

"Right." Mum walked into the hallway where Nick and I were standing, and smiled, surprised.

"Oh, Nick, wasn't expecting you this morning," she said. Nick blushes and looks down, embarrassed.

"Oh, uh, yeah.."

"He's picking up a jumper he left here last week," I quickly interjected.

"Ah, right. Well, don't forget we're going to Grandma's this morning, Charlie." She was about to turn away when she added, "You could've at least changed out of your pyjamas."

I flushed red and Nick smiled slightly, but it dropped when I met his eyes.

"Let's uh, go to my room."

We walked into my room and Nick pulled off his sweatshirt. The tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a knife.

"We've got ourselves into a situation," Nick finally said first.

"Yeah, we did."

"I'm so, so sorry for leaving you alone with Harry like that last night. That was such a a dick thing for me to do. I should've stayed or at least taken you out of there with me," Nick apologized.

"It's okay," I said quietly.

"It's not, and that's why I'm apologizing," Nick stated with comforting sincerity.

"I should say sorry too."

Nick's expression faltered. "Why?"

"For kissing you. That was so stupid of me. If I didn't, we wouldn't have gotten into this whole mess. This is all my fault." A pit had opened up in my stomach, feeling like it was about to swallow me whole.

Nick looked confused. "Charlie, I wanted to kiss you. That wasn't just you. This isn't your fault." He took a step closer, and I started to close in on myself.

"It is my fault. God I was stupid. I'm so stupid, I'm so fucking stupid-"

"Charlie," Nick tried to interrupt, and took another step towards me.

"- I shouldn't have done that. God, why did I do that? I've fucked everything up-"

"Charlie," Nick said once again, closing the distance between us and grabbing my face gently.

That was enough to immediately shut me up.

Nick's gaze flickered between my eyes, and my heart pounded in my ears. He kissed me. It was soft, but with confidence and reassurance. I leaned into the kiss, and stepped up on my tiptoes, making it easier to kiss him.

We finally pulled away from each other, and my mind was racing and confused.

He actually...likes me?

Chapter Text

I didn't even know what I was doing. Before I could think for another second, I ran outside and over to Charlie's house. I barely even registered that it was raining until he said something.

Kissing him again, this time in private and uninterrupted, was amazing. It was chaste and sweet, but it still held an underlying passion. The way he went up on his toes to make it easier made my heart soar.

I gently pulled away from him, and looked into his eyes. He looked puzzled and stunned, but the corners of his mouth were ticked up into a small smile.

"You...you like me?" He asked in a quiet voice that broke my heart.

I scrunched my eyebrows and replied, "I do, Charlie. Was that not obvious?" I laughed lightly.

"I just didn't think...after last night, that you would wanna...that you would still like me." The smile had faded into a slight frown.

I looked between both of his eyes, searching for some disbelief of what he'd just said. I didn't find any. Was he being serious?

"Charlie...of course I still like you. I'm so sorry for leaving you there last night, and if that told you that I don't like you. Because I do. I really, really do," I told him, not a single word that I uttered untrue.

His face fell slightly. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting the side of his head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my face warm at the sudden embrace.

"School is going to be hard, isn't it?" He asked when he pulled away. I looked down at the floor.

"It is. We can get through it though, together?"

"Yeah," he smiled shyly. "Together."

It wasn't declaring anything as official, but it still made my heart flutter.

"Uh, my mum's probably gonna yell at me if you don't head out soon," Charlie laughed quietly.

I nodded. "Yeah, I should probably get back home before my mum starts worrying."

Charlie nodded and opened his door, leading us down the stairs and to the front door. The colors of the stained glass shined on Charlie as we stood there, and I must admit, he looked beautiful.

"Bye then," I smiled and was about to open the door, when Charlie stopped me.

"Wait, take this," he handed me an umbrella. I laughed shyly and took it from him, blushing when my hand grazed his.

"Thanks," I smiled. "Bye."

"Bye," Charlie smiled back.

I walked out of Charlie's house, and opened the umbrella. I turned around and waved at Charlie, trying not to think too much about how absolutely adorable he looked in his rumpled pyjamas.

I was only about twenty feet down the walk when I heard pattering footsteps behind me. I turned around and scoffed a laugh seeing Charlie running down the sidewalk after me, soaked and his Converse half on.

"D-did I forget something?" I asked when he reached me, out of breath.

"Um, yeah," he panted out. He leaned forward and kissed me, and my stomach erupted in butterflies. His lips were wet with rainwater. Everything about him was so perfect.

He pulled away and stuttered, "Well, bye!" Before running off towards his house.

I turned back to the way I was walking before, unable to wipe the grin off of my face.

I don't think I'll ever forget how he looked in those rumpled pyjamas.

Chapter Text

I was extremely tense the entire bus ride to school. I could tell that Tori noticed and wanted to say something, but she didn't. She just kept glancing at me, the line between her eyebrows getting more defined each time.

The bus came to a stop, and my heart began to pound in my ears. The world around me drowned out. I dealt with so much bullying when I got outed, and now it was about to all start again. Oh god, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc-

"Charlie," Tori called, cutting through my thoughts. I looked up at her, realizing we were the last two on the bus. The driver was eyeing us, clearing irritated.

I stood up and started walking to the open doors. I stepped down the stairs, and walked towards Truham.

"Oi, it's the one that turned Nick gay!" Harry called. I grimaced at the mocking tone of his voice. I looked to my right and saw all of Harry's friend group, laughing.

Ben was the only one who isn't laughing. He was staring at me. His lip was curled in disgust and his eyes were piercing, like he was looking right through me. A girl with dirty blonde hair and icy blue eyes looked at the rest of her group with disgust. At least she had some sense.

I couldn't bear to look at them any longer. I looked away and continued walking into the school, feeling eyes boring into me.

It was even worse once I was in the building. Everyone was staring and whispering and laughing. It was a repeat of when I was outed. I heard the whispered words gross, disgusting, turned him gay, and more.

I walked into the classroom, and everyone turned to me. Fuck, even the teacher stared at me for a few seconds too long. I sat down at my desk, and looked down at my lap.

I looked up when someone else entered the room.

It was Nick.

He looked distraught, nervous, and terrified. He walked over and sat down next to me. His leg was bouncing up and down, and he ran a hand through his hair, then looked at me.

"Hi," he whispered.

"Hi."

Chapter Text

"Nicky, do you want me to drive you to school?" My mum asked, calling from downstairs.

I scrubbed a hand over my face, dread filling my entire body. School was going to be absolute hell. I wondered how Charlie's dealing with it.

"Yeah, sure," I responded. I walked down the stairs, and waited while she grabbed her purse and keys.

She smiled at me, and then walked to the garage. She got into the front seat and I climbed into the passenger seat, sighing heavily. Mum looked over at me when I did, her eyebrows creasing slightly.

"What's wrong, Nick?"

My stomach twisted uncomfortably as I pondered telling her what was going on. I was about ninety percent sure she would be fine with it, but I didn't know. I bit my lip.

"Well..um...sorry. It's kind of weird to talk about."

She looked at me and nodded, then looked back at the road.

"You don't have to tell me, but you can always talk to me," she smiled gently.

I didn't think I was ready to tell her. I mean, it had just happened. Maybe sometime soon.

"I, um..at Harry's party I kissed someone." She nodded. "And now everyone is talking about it and it's a huge thing," I explained, keeping the details vague.

"I see. That sounds difficult."

I took a deep breath and said, "Yeah, it is."

She smiled warmly and said, "Well, just know you have my support."

Her smile was infectious, so I started to grin too, the worry about school fading. "Thanks."

"Of course, Nicky. I will always love you, no matter what." She reached over and pats my knee.

"I love you too."

She pulled up to the school and stopped, putting the car in park.

"Alright, Nicky. Try to have a good day at school," she smiled.

"Thanks..I will."

I got out of the car, and started walking towards the school entrance. I felt all eyes on me, and people were pointing and laughing.

"Hey Nick! You excited to see your boyfriend!" Harry called, followed by a bunch of laughter. They were all sitting at that table like we used to, except I didn't think I'd be sitting with that lot anymore.

Ben wasn't laughing. He was just glaring at me, his jaw tense. Imogen was looking at me sympathetically, her eyebrows creased together.

I stalked into the building, the weight of everyone's eyes on me unbearable. I tried to ignore all the whispers I heard, not liking that people were saying that Charlie turned me gay. I mean, you can't turn someone gay. You're always like that, you just need to figure it out.

I walked into the classroom, my heart unclenching slightly when I saw Charlie in there, his head hung low. He looked up as I walked closer, his eyes wide. I sat down next to him, looking down at my lap and running a hand through my hair.

"Hi," I finally whispered.

"Hi."

Chapter Text

Class was quiet, awkward, and stressful. I wasn't able to even talk to Nick without someone laughing at us, or pointing and whispering. The usual playful, fun electricity around us wasn't present today. It was just silence between us.

The bell finally rang, and we both had different classes. I got up and started to collect my things, and so did Nick. My head was hung low, focused on my own world, whilst he was looking around, eyes flitting back and forth anxiously.

Before he walked away, he squeezed my arm gently and gave me a tight lipped smile. Despite the circumstances, that simple touch still gave me butterflies. He walked away and out of the classroom, his pace quick and body tense.

I walked to my own class, not responding to any comments or jokes that were made. I sat down at my desk, immediately missing the comforting feeling of having Nick next to me.

This class was, thankfully, quick and painless. No one really said anything. A few people stared, and someone whispered, but other than that, it was something resembling normal.

The bell rang signaling that it's time for lunch. I started to wonder if Tao and Isaac had heard about Nick and I's kiss. Probably. I would be surprised if no one had already.

I walked out of the classroom and towards our usual outdoor lunch table. I spotted Tao and Isaac sitting in their usual spots, Isaac's nose buried in a book, of course. He was quiet, but I swear he can read minds. He always knew what was up.

Tao looked up and waved me over. I sat down on the bench across from him.

"Charlie, is it true? Did you kiss Nick Nelson?" Tao immediately asked.

"Yeah," I responded quietly. I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself.

"Literally everyone knows. How did this happen?" Tao demanded to know.

"First of all, please quiet your voice, you're incredibly loud," Isaac chimed in. "Second, no need to literally bombard Charlie with questions the second he sits down."

"Right, sorry," Tao corrected himself, sitting up straighter and clearing his throat.

"Well, to answer your question, Nick and I kissed at Harry's party and he burst in and found us kissing," I explained, the feeling of dread that I felt that night returning.

Tao nodded, his face all twisted up, and Isaac grimaced, sucking in a breath between his teeth.

"Well, that doesn't sound good," Tao admitted. Isaac slapped his arm with the back of his hand, his eyes not even tearing away from the pages in his book. Tao rolled his eyes and continued, "How are you doing with all of it?"

"Fine, I suppose," I lied. I didn't feel like explaining my emotions, and definitely wasn't in the mood to tell them about my mental issues. "It's really no different then when I got bullied. Except, this time, I'm not the only one."

"Where is Nick right now? He sure isn't with Harry and his group," Isaac remarked.

"Speak of the devil," Tao said. Isaac and I both looked up, and there was Nick, walking towards our table.

"Uh, is it okay if I sit with you guys?" Nick asked, a tinge of unsureness in his voice.

"Yeah, of course," I said. Nick sat down on the bench next to me, his leg automatically beginning to bounce up and down. I noted that to remember as one of his anxious tics.

"How are you doing with all of...this?" Isaac asked Nick, actually putting his book down on the table.

Nick swept a hand through his hair, and said, "Er, well, it's definitely new. I've never been...joked about like that before or...whispered about and it's kind of terrifying," he laughed nervously. He drummed his fingers on his thigh.

I grabbed his hand gently, giving it a soft squeeze. He looked at me and smiled the best he could, though it did come out a bit wobbly.

"Well, just now that we're always here if you wanna talk, isn't that right Tao?" Isaac looked at Tao sharply, who gives a firm nod and a small smile.

"Thanks," Nick said breathlessly.

I interlocked my hand with his and held it firmly.

Chapter Text

I immediately missed the fun, joyful feeling I usually felt in class with Charlie. It was replaced with awkward tension. We barely talked because of the looks we got when we did.

I gave his arm a gentle squeeze before I left, along with something of a smile. I wanted to offer him a bit of comfort, even if it wasn't much. I wanted him to know that we were in this together, and I hoped that squeeze communicated it.

Despite the circumstances, it was refreshing sitting with people besides Harry and that lot. Tao was interesting, and frankly a bit rude, and Isaac was calm, quiet, but nice to me at least. He spent the majority of lunch reading.

"So Nick," Tao started. "You like Charlie?"

Charlie gave him a sharp look, but said nothing. "W-well, uh," I stuttered. "Yeah. I do."

Charlie looked at me and smiled slightly, a warm pink rushing to his cheeks. I couldn't help but smile too a bit. Tao raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes, but the corner of his mouth was ticked up.

"God, you two are so obvious. Honestly, you probably would've gotten found out anyway even if the Harry thing didn't happen."

Isaac turned to him, and irritated expression on his face. "Tao, you should really think before speaking," he said, and then turned back to his book.

"What! I'm just stating the obvious!" Tao exclaimed.

"It's not like you liking Elle isn't obvious," Charlie murmured, and Tao's head snapped in his direction.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing, I said nothing," Charlie said, his voice and octave higher. He shrugged.

Tao raised one eyebrow and rolled his eyes, not asking any further questions.

Isaac put down his book and turned towards me and Charlie. He opened his mouth, and then closed it, like he was trying to find the right words. "So..are you two dating, then?"

Me and Charlie look at each other, before saying at the same time, "Yeah, I suppose so."

Chapter Text

I managed to survive the rest of the day, even though there was still a lot of laughing and whispering and commenting. I tried not to let any of it get to me, though that was proving difficult.

I walked out of the school, quickly stalking past Harry and the rest of them. I glanced to my right and saw a girl talking to Nick. I'd seen her with Harry and Nick, but I had never interacted with her. She was the one who wasn't laughing earlier.

I stepped up into the bus, immediately spotting Tori. She glanced up and spotted me, and then back down to her phone. I walked over and sat down next to her.

"I know about you and Nick," she blurted once I was seated.

"Oh," I responded lamely.

"Are you okay? Is there anyone I need to set straight?" She leaned over towards me, looking me in the eyes even though my head was hung low.

"No, I'm fine," I answered. I didn't really want to talk about it anymore. Tori must've sensed this, because she leaned away and nodded.

"Well, if you do, I'm always up for it."

"Thanks," I whispered.

She gave me a small smile, before turning to the window. I opened my backpack and grabbed out my phone and headphones. I plugged them in and turned on my playlist, drowning the sounds of the crowded bus out.

The bus finally pulled up and mine and Tori's stop, and I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. No matter how loud I turned up the music, I couldn't drown out the tormenting tone of everyone's voices. The voices I had been hearing for years, the ones that had made me feel like shit and...

I stood up and got off, Tori following close behind. I walked ahead of her, while she hung a few feet behind me, tapping violently at her phone.

I opened the door, blowing past my parents where they were seated in the kitchen. I didn't think I could handle another minute if conversation with someone. I needed to be alone.

Instead of going to my bedroom, I went into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I dug through the drawers where I hid my blades, and felt and immediate calm wash over me once my hand wrapped around it.

I rolled up my sleeve and cut three horizontal lines just below my wrist. They turned white and then pooled with blood, droplets rolling down my forearm. I pressed a wad of toilet paper against it and I got the plaster, and put one on the cuts.

Something felt different this time. I didn't feel calmed or relieved. I felt guilty and disgusted. I felt disgusting. I was so fucking disgusting.

My face crumpled and tears streamed down my face as I slid down the counter onto the floor.

Chapter Text

Thankfully the day ends pretty quickly. I wasn't used to these circumstances. At all. Being whispered about, joked about, teased, excreta. As soon as I saw my mum's car pull up next to the school, I bolted to her.

I opened the door and sat down, and slammed the door shut. I was highly wound, everything was too loud and I was extremely overstimulated.

"Oh, Nicky, are you alright?" She looked over at me, her eyes soft and worried.

"Yeah, fine." My heart was racing and I could feel my breathing starting to go faster and faster. I couldn't think straight. God everything was too loud.

"Hey, hey, Nick, look at me," Mum directed. She took my chin in between her thumb and forefinger and turned me so I was looking at her. "Just take a breath. Breathe."

I tried to breathe, I really tired, but it felt like my world was collapsing in on me. Like all of the sudden I became extremely claustrophobic. I shut my eyes and just tried to make everything stop.

"You're okay, love. You're okay." It didn't feel like everything was okay. My mind kept returning to everyone staring at me in the halls, laughing at me, calling me names, whispering about me. It felt like my whole world was gone and there was nothing I could do to keep grasping onto what I knew what normal. I tried my best to think about Charlie, how his hair fell perfectly over his face, how his dimples appeared every time he smiled.

My breathing eventually started to return to normal and my heart didn't feel like it was about to explode. I opened my eyes and looked at my mum, who was concerned. Tears filled my eyes and I couldn't stop them from spilling out all over my cheeks.

"Oh, baby. Let's get home, ok? You don't need to be here right now." She drove away from the school, and the farther we got away from Truham the more I calmed down.

"Sorry. I don't know what happened there," I said, the tears becoming less frequent.

"You had a panic attack, Nicky. It's really common with anxiety and stress. Was today a bad day?"

The gentleness of her voice made me want to cry even more. "Yeah. It wasn't good."

"I kind of thought so. Do..you wanna talk about it?" She glanced at me and then back at the road.

"Not really. I'm just really tired." Everything was starting to hit me at once. My head hurt and my eyelids felt heavy.

"That's okay," she smiled. We pulled into the driveway and I immediately opened the car door, heading into the house. I just wanted to lay down and forget today.

I wanted to forget everything.

I sat on my bed and opened my phone. There were even more messages then there were this morning. I ignored all of them and opened my chat with Charlie.

Hey, how are you doing? I asked him

I'm fine. What about you?

His response came immediately.

Are you sure?? I'm okay. Had a panic attack in the car haha.

I promise I'm fine. I'm sorry you had a panic attack :((

I didn't believe Charlie. I knew how he was. Especially after all this today? I knew he wasn't okay, but I wouldn't push him on it.

It's alright. My mom helped, so.

❤️❤️❤️

❤️❤️❤️

Chapter Text

Why couldn't I be honest with Nick? I knew he liked me, he literally said he did. I knew he was safe, he was one of the most supportive people I knew.

Then why was it still so hard to say that I wasn't okay?

I got a sudden urge to do something. It was a stupid, idiotic, horrible idea but I really wanted to do it.

I wanted to tell Nick I self harmed.

No one knew. I had started when the bullying got the worst point, and I haven't been able to stop since. I had started out light with cat scratches, but I had gone deeper over time. The light ones just didn't do the same anymore.

I wanted to tell Nick because I was so tired of suffering in silence. And Nick was different than everyone else. Would Elle, Tao, or Isaac support me? Yes, of course, but its different. I've known them for so long and I don't want to let them down, but with Nick, it's easier because if Nick leaves me I'm not getting left by someone I've known for years.

It would still hurt like hell though.

I had Nick's number, though we mainly texted on Instagram, but we occasionally switched over to messages. I let my thumb hover over the call button, questioning myself.

Fuck it. I called him.

The phone only rang once before he picked up, and when he spoke he sounded flustered.

"Ch-Charlie, hi."

"Hey," I said back. I tried to hold onto that confidence I had when I initially had the thought of telling Nick, but it was slipping away.

"Um, is everything okay? Sorry, you've just never called before," he spoke quickly. I could tell I was making him anxious.

"Oh, um, yeah, sorry, sorry. There's just something I wanted to tell you and now I'm starting to think it was a really bad idea and that I never should have called," I rambled.

"Charlie, you know you can always talk to me."

I looked at the time. It was almost seven. I thought for a minute.

"Can I come to yours? It won't be for long, I just think this would be better to say in person." I felt like being able to see his face and his initial reaction would be better.

"Yeah, sure. Is your mom gonna be ok with that?" He asked. I could hear the inference in the question.

"She doesn't have to know," I confirmed. "See you in ten?"

"Okay," he said and I ended the call.

I was really going to do this.

I grabbed my coat and crept down the stairs. Mum and Dad were in the kitchen talking, and Tori was in her room doing who knows what. I quickly snuck past the dining room and out the front door.

I speed walked over to Nick's. I didn't want to keep him waiting. I knew that he was already highly strung from my phone call, and he was going to be even worse if I was late.

I got to his door and rang the doorbell.

He opened the door, and smiled slightly.

"Um, my mum's reading in her room so we can go in the living room or my room," he offered.

"Your room would be better," I responded quietly.

"Okay," he said and led me up the stairs. My heart pounded heavily in my ears. I felt like I might throw up.

We reached his room and he closed the door behind us. He sat down on the bed and I sat down next to him. I crossed my legs.

"So, um, I haven't told anyone this before and I'm really scared. But I'm also ready to tell someone because I'm tired of being quiet about it," I started.

Nick's eyes started to shine. "Charlie, you can tell me anything. Anytime anywhere, you can talk to me."

I took a deep breath and said, "I self harm."

Chapter Text

"I self harm," Charlie said.

I stared at him, feeling frozen as he said this. I never thought that....I didn't think...

Tears I couldn't control welled up in my eyes as I spoke, "What?"

Charlie looked scared. He was trembling, and unmistakable fear had taken over his face. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before his face crumbled and he began to cry.

I immediately leaned over and wrapped my arms around him. I didn't know what else to say. It was like my brain had just paused, like everything in the world had just paused except Charlie. I rubbed my hand over his back and embraced him tightly.

"I'm sorry," Charlie spluttered.

"No, don't say you're sorry," I said, feeling like I finally woke up.

"But I am," he cried.

"You don't have to be," I responded shakily, trying to stop more tears from rolling down my cheeks. I had to be the strong one. I had to be strong for Charlie, especially right now. The tears were quite resilient, though.

"I don't know why I just randomly told you, it was probably a really stupid thing to do."

"No, I'm glad you told me, Charlie," I pulled back from him and looked him in his eyes. "I am so proud of you for telling me, I can't imagine how scary and hard this is for you," I ran my thumb across his cheek.

"You can't tell anyone else," he said quietly.

"I won't tell anyone, I promise."

He buried his face into my torso and continued to sob, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I had so many questions that I didn't think were appropriate to ask. How did he do it? What did he do it with? Why did he do it (I mean, I kind of knew but not totally)? Where did he do it? Did anyone besides me know? Is he safe?

Is he safe? Is the one I really wanted to know about.

"Let's take a deep breath," I said and rubbed his back.

"Is it okay if I ask some questions?" I asked softly. He nodded quickly.

"How...do you do it," I said carefully.

He took and deep breath and said, "Cutting."

I inhaled shakily, "Okay. I'm assuming you're using razors then?"

He nodded, and it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces seeing him like that.

"Does anyone besides me know?"

"No," he said.

"Okay. Are...are you safe?"

His face began to crumple again as he said, "I don't know."

Chapter Text

Nick's reaction just made me feel worse. For fucks sake I had made him cry. I never wanted to make Nick cry.

"Charlie please tell me that you're safe," Nick pleaded. He pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes, panic spread across his face.

"I'm so sorry Nick," I continued to cry. "I-i...I don't...." I struggled to get the words out. "I don't feel safe. Especially with everything that's been going on, and Harry, and all that stuff, it's been making it really, really hard," I said honestly.

Nick's face softened even more, if that was possible.

"Charlie, I know. It's really hard. But we can get through it together, I promise. We just have to keep going."

I shook my head. Nick wasn't understanding.

"Nick I can't do this and keep hiding from people and-and not be with you and pretend that everything's fine and just be fine and-and...." I couldn't get the words out. I started sobbing even harder. I hadn't cried like this in years.

"I know, Charlie, I know. What I'm saying is, I want to be your boyfriend, Charlie. I want to be with you at school, I want to be with you," Nick spoke softly, but in an assuring tone.

I looked up at him, my heart skipping a beat. "You wanna be out at school?" I couldn't believe he was ready for this.

"Yes, Charlie, God, all I've wanted since Harry found us during our first kiss was to be with you publicly."

"I want that too," I admitted, feeling a bit better with the realization that I wasn't the only one who wanted to be out.

Nick smiled sadly and leaned forward, kissing me softly. I leaned into the kiss, warmth blooming in my stomach.

Things had to get better.

Chapter Text

I meant what I told Charlie. I wanted to be with him, holy fuck did I want to be with him and show everyone how special he was.

It's like everyone just saw him as the "gay kid." But he was so much more than that. He was kind, he's smart (so much better in math than I was AND he's younger), he's talented (have you heard him play the drums!?), he's absolutely gorgeous (SO FUCKING GORGEOUS), and he's someone that I never wanna be apart from ever again.

So, the next day as we walked into school together, I couldn't help but smile. This was the first day we hadn't avoided each other all morning since Harry found us. And it was extremely relieving.

I took a deep breath and shook off the anxiety I was feeling, and reached for his hand. I linked my pinky with his, but he quickly adjusted it to where our hands were linked together fully.

Harry laughed to himself as he sees us approaching the school. He shouted,"Oi, finally owning up to it huh!? Fucking faggots."

My blood went cold as he said that word. Charlie's face dropped and started to shrink in on himself, and I can tell he wanted to get out of there.

So I shouted back, "What, are you just insecure cause you're gay too!? Is that what it is mate?"

I tightened my grip on Charlie's hand and dragged him into the school. He had a look on his face, one that resembled a lovesick puppy.

Before I could react, he dragged me into an empty classroom. He shut the door behind us and slammed me into it, immediately putting his hands on my face and kissing me. My hands automatically rested on his waist. He pushed me into the door harder as he sucked the life out of my face.

I pulled away for a breath and asked, "What was that for?"

His face went red as he thought about what to say, and he eventually admitted, "Because what you did was extremely hot," and then returned to making out with me.

He moved down to my neck, which made my face flare with heat.

"We're gonna be late," I managed to say, my voice coming out strained.

"Don't care," he said and continued to nip and kiss the base of my neck.

"Charlieee, we gotta go," I said and pushed him away gently. He maked an adorable pouty face, and I had to admit, it's tempting, but I smiled and opened the door.

Maybe today wouldn't be so bad.

Chapter Text

Okay, maybe I was being a little bit cheesy when I called Nick hot when he stood up for me, but he genuinely was. The way his jaw tensed and his nostrils flared...I have problems, okay!?

The rest of the day was... interesting. We definitely got even more stares and snide comments. It felt like a hole was being burned through our interlocked hands as we walked through the halls together.

Some people were actually pretty supportive of our relationship. I don't mean our friendship group, I mean people I had never interacted with. One girl stopped us in the hallway and shakily said that she was glad someone had the courage to be themselves. That one made my heart hurt a bit.

When Nick and I sat down at the picnic table across from Tao and Isaac, and didn't immediately scooch apart, their eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Seems like someone is finally stopped being fucking awkward.." Tao muttered under his breath, taking a sip of his apple juice.

"Excuse me, sorry for being nervous about being outed for the second time," I shot back. Tao's face fell and he was about to apologize, but I interjected. "I'm joking, Tao."

"So...seems like things are okay here now, hm?" Isaac asked, a distinct gentleness in his voice.

Nick cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair before saying, "Charlie and I had a bit of a moment last night and I ended up admitting that I wanted to be out with him at school, so, here we are."

"A bit of a moment" was an interesting way to say that I broke down to him about hurting myself and practically forced it out of him that he wanted to be together publicly.

"Yeah," I said quietly and looked down at my lunch container. The sandwich looked extremely unappetizing. I picked at the crust, needing something to do with my hands.

I could tell Isaac noticed something was up. He wouldn't say it in front of Tao, because he would probably go into panic mode, but I knew I would be getting texted later.

"Right," Tao said. "So I'm gonna have to suffer through immense amounts of PDA for the rest of my life it seems, great." He bit into his sandwich.

Isaac whacked him on the arm with his book, and shook his head disapprovingly.

"I think it's great that you guys are out," he said softly, his eyes lingering on me for a second too long. I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, and Nick looked at me worriedly.

He bent down to my ear and whispered, "Are you not hungry?"

I shook my head, closing my lunch container and putting it in my lap. Nick's face creased with concern, but he shouldn't be concerned. He didn't have anything to be concerned about. I was fine. Totally fine.

The bell rang and everyone gathered their things, heading to their next class.

I walked to my locker and put my lunch away, then grabbed my things for the next period. I shut my locker and began walking to the classroom, but then I felt someone grab my arm and drag me to the bathroom. I assumed it was Nick, and that he might be worried about me, but when I finally looked at who had their grip on me I was terribly wrong.

"What the fuck?" I whispered as I saw Ben's face staring back at me.

Chapter Text

"What the fuck?" I said as I saw Ben's face staring back at me.

He was breathing heavily, his hair messy and untamed. His uniform was untidy, and his hands were clenched at his sides.

"You really think you should be the one saying what the fuck, huh?" He said calmly, too calmly for the way he was acting right now. He shoved me against the wall, putting his arm up to my neck.

"Wh-"

"We were dating, fucking glitter and rainbows, and then you decided to stop talking to me and I fucked up a bit, so what? Now you're dating fucking Nick Nelson a few weeks later." He leaned into me, and my chest started to hurt from the restricted airflow.

"Yeah, and what about it?" I spat back. My brain was trying to tell me to fight back, to do anything. My body was screaming, my lungs feeling like they were about to combust.

"Jesus Christ sometimes you're slow," he pushed harder, if that was even possible. "I fucking want you, Charlie. I like you, as much as it pains me to admit that." He took his free arm and brushed a curl out of my face. I wanted to throw up.

"I..I don't-"

He kissed me, hard. My head spun, and all I wanted to do was breathe and get out of here. God I wanted to breathe, and I wanted him to get the fuck off of me.

He put a hand on my neck, and my insides flared with disgust. This was one of the less used bathrooms, so I know the chance of someone walking in here was unfortunately low. Tears stung my eyes and I tried to fight them back, I didn't want to seem weak in front of Ben.

I manage to finally get my brain and body to work together, and push his face off of mine. I kick him away and take a deep breath, getting all the oxygen I can.

I grab my stuff and run out of there as fast as I can.

Chapter Text

Something was wrong with Charlie.

I didn't know what it was, or what happened but something is definitely wrong.

It started at lunch, he didn't eat. He had this look on his face, like he was disgusted by something. His face was positioned in a weird way, I-I don't know how to describe it. It was a face that I don't think I've ever seen him make.

And then he wouldn't text me back. I tried to message him on my way home in the car, but I didn't get a response. I tried again a few hours later, and still nothing. He had read my messages, though. And he was online for a while.

I was tempted to go over to his house and ask to see him, just to make sure he was okay, but I also knew that maybe he needed some him time. Which was totally okay. I needed some time to process everything that had happened lately.

I sighed as I scrolled up on our Instagram messages again, reloading the chat, which revealed absolutely nothing. He still hadn't said anything. I turned off my phone and laid it on my chest, head sinking into my pillow.

Suddenly my phone started to buzz against me, which made me jump up into a sitting position. A random number was calling me, which meant it was most likely spam, but I answered anyway, just in case.

"Hello? Is this Nick?" It was a girl's voice. It was quiet and shaky, her words soft.

"Yeah, who's this?" I responded, heart thumping in my chest.

"It's Tori, Charlie's sister, you should come over," there was urgency in her voice now, on the verge of panic.

"Has something happened? Has something happened to Charlie?" My fist clenched the sheet.

"Just come, please," she said quietly.

Then she hung up.

Chapter Text

The day just passed by after what happened with Ben. I didn't raise my hand in class. I just sat there and watched it all happen. It felt like everyone was moving around me so fast, and I was just stuck doing nothing.

I couldn't think properly after Ben touched me like that. I felt gross, I felt wrong.

When I got home I locked myself in my room, and started crying. I slid down the door and wrapped my hands around my knees, soaking my jeans with tears. I don't know how long I stayed there. The world was going on by me while I just cried.

My mind started to drift, onto other thoughts, other ways to make myself feel better. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying so hard to make the thoughts go away, to make everything go away.

My phone buzzed on the ground next to me, and it was a text from Nick. He was checking up on me. I looked at the message but couldn't respond while the way I was.

Get the blade, is what my mind repeated about a thousand times before I got up and walked into the bathroom, opening my drawer and grabbing my blade.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub, turning it over and over in my hands. If I left now, he wouldn't be able to make me feel like shit anymore.

I took a deep breath and held the blade above my wrist. I closed my eyes and slashed it downwards, a gash appearing on my wrist. I let out a muffled cry. I powered through and did the same thing to the other one.

The blade dropped to the floor. I slid down. What had I just done?

What had I just done?

I wanted to take it back. I wanted to go back. I didn't want to do this. God I want to go back and tell myself it's not worth it. That he doesn't define you. That just because he touched you doesn't make you gross, or wrong. It just makes you a victim.

I blinked slowly. I couldn't tell what was happening anymore.

I heard a bang on the door. Someone yelled. The door opened. She covered her hand with her mouth as she screamed. She rushed towards me. She put pressure on my wrists. She called someone. I was being lifted into a car. No, not a car. A really big car, with sirens. A woman was monitoring me.

Then I blacked out.

Chapter Text

Oh god. Oh fucking god no.

I was right.

Of course I was fucking right.

Something was wrong with Charlie. Something had to be wrong with Charlie, especially the way his sister was acting, something happened. And the way she wouldn't give me details made it all the more terrifying.

I ran downstairs and begged my mum to drive me over there. I couldn't stop myself from crying. She kept asking what happened but I didn't know, so I kept saying I didn't know. After a few minutes she stopped asking questions and just drove me.

I got out of the car before it even fully stopped. I ran up to their front door and rang it frantically, heart thudding in time with the rings.

A girl opened the door. She had long black hair. Her eyes were red and swollen, like she'd been crying.

No.

Charlie.

He has to be fine.

He's fine.

"Come in," she said, her voice blending in with the wind. I don't know how I even heard her.

I stepped into the Spring's house. She closed the door behind me, and took a shuddering breath.

"Charlie's in the hospital," she admitted.

I turned around to look at her. She was shaking. Or maybe it was me shaking, my whole world shaking. She looked down at the ground and I could see the tears dripping onto the floor.

Before I could think twice, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her. She went rigid in my arms, but didn't try to push me away.

"I really want him to be okay. I found him in the bathroom. There's blood everywhere. Our parents are coming home. I had to call them. I had to tell them what he did, what I saw..." She trailed off. She sighed deeply, one that felt like it could shake the whole Earth.

"What did he try to do?" I asked softly. I knew what the answer was, I just couldn't even think it until my belief was confirmed. She pulled away gently and looked me in the eyes.

"He tried to kill himself, Nick."

Chapter Text

I felt everything inside of me shut down. My heart, my lungs, my brain. Everything just stops, as soon as those words leave his sister's mouth.

"Jesus fucking Christ," I whispered. My lower lip trembled, but I fought back the tears that were daring to pour out of me.

"You don't wanna see the upstairs bathroom. It-It's bad. God it's so bad," she cried. She's clinging onto herself, arms wrapped around her midsection.

"I don't even know your name," I realized. It wasn't very important at that moment, but I should at least know her name. I mean, she was my boyfriend's sister after all.

"It's Tori," she uttered quietly.

"Okay, Tori, got it." I think I just wanted to distract myself. Pretend that none of this was happening. Act like I was just meeting his sister for the first time, that Charlie was okay and he hadn't tried to..to...you know.

"Yeah," she nodded. "God, I don't even know what to do. I just wanted you here because I can see that you mean a lot to Charlie, and I hope he means a lot to you too," she rambled on. "He's never, like, showed any signs of something like this, you know? I mean he struggles to eat sometimes, and I noticed that he locks himself in the bathroom someti- oh my God. Am I actually that oblivious? This is all my fault."

"Tori, it's not your fault."

"Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I'm just so scared," she mumbled. "Come on, let's sit down somewhere at least so we're not standing in front of the door."

"Yeah, right," I muttered. I followed her into the house, passing their kitchen and into the living room. She takes a seat in the corner of the couch, wrapping her arms around her knees and pulling them to herself. I sit down on the other end and cross my legs. We sit in uncomfortable silence.

"I don't even know what to say," she murmured. 

"Me either," I scoffed. I picked at my nails.

The door suddenly opened and slammed. Frantic feet rushed into the living room, and there stood Charlie's parents. His mum looks like she's been crying, which isn't surprising, and his dad's hair is messy, his hands clenched at his sides.

"Tori," her mum cried and rushed to her, wrapping her arms around Tori. Tori accepted the embrace, sobbing into her mum's shoulder.

"Who's this?" Her dad suddenly pointed to me, and Tori cleared her throat.

"His name's Nick. He's Charlie's boyfriend," she said faintly.

"Hi," I greeted him hoarsely.

"I'm assuming he knows...?" His mum said, a question in her tone. Tori nods slightly and her mum smiles, but it's a wobbly smile.

I sit there as they talk about what happened, what Tori saw in the bathroom, and I just sit and listen. I didn't make comments. I didn't interrupt. I cried when she described the state she found him in, what he did to himself. I couldn't help myself. His mum covered her mouth and let out a choked gasp when she tells them how there was blood everywhere.

I keep sitting and listening.

Chapter Text

Everything was numb.

I couldn't see anything.

I couldn't hear anything.

My eyes suddenly flew open, and I heard the beeping of a monitor next to me. Every beep penetrated my brain, my headache pounding in sync. The lights were unbearably bright, everything in the room around me a clinical shade of white.

Oh god, oh shit, holy fucking shit.

I was in a hospital bed. I was hooked up to a machine, and my wrists were wrapped in bandages. There was a chair next to my bed. Nobody was in it. My body ached. My wrists ached.

A nurse rushed into the room. She has a clipboard in her hands and quickly scribbled a few things down, before setting it on the table and walking to my side.

"Hey there, Charlie," she said in a sweet voice. "You've been out for a little while," she smiles halfheartedly. 

"Oh," was all I could think to say. What was I even supposed to say to her?

"You have people who want to see you. I've been telling them to wait to come in until you wake up, just to make sure you're okay with them coming to see you," she explained. "We have a Julio Spring, Jane Spring, Victoria Spring, and a Nicholas Nelson," she listed.

My heart stopped when she said Nick's name. I didn't think that he would be here... I didn't think he would know.

"Um," I paused, trying to think for a moment. "Could you send Nick in first, please?" I didn't know if I could bear seeing the looks on my parents faces, or Tori's. Nick might be slightly comforting. But I also knew that he would have a lot of questions for me, and he would be plenty panicked. I was fine though.

Jesus Christ, I was telling myself that I was fine even though I had literally just tried to kill myself.

"Alright."

She walked out of the room, the door shutting behind her. It was only about thirty seconds before Nick walked into my room. His eyes were red, his face incredibly pale. His hands were trembling.

"Charlie," Nick said, his voice cracking. He strutted over to the chair next to me, and sat down swiftly. He scooted it closer to me, eyes falling down to my bandaged wrists.

"Hi," I greeted him in a wobbly voice.

"I'm so glad you're not...not gone," Nick mumbled the last part. His hand started to reach out for mine, but he pulled it back after remembering the state I was in. His eyes were shiny with tears. It looked like he was going to break apart any second.

"I'm sorry," I cried and rushed my hands to my face. I gasped in pain as my wrists moved, making the tears flow even harder. I put my hands over my eyes, not wanting to cry in front of him. Not wanting to make myself look so weak and horrible while he was here. God I just wanted to go back and make sure this never happened. That I knew that it wasn't my fault. 

"Charlie, no, no. I don't want you apologizing. This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. I'm so, so sorry that this happened to you, that you felt the need to do this, to go to this measure to make things feel better. Or make things go away. You shouldn't blame yourself. The people who made you feel shitty enough to do this, the fault lies on them. You are such an amazing person Char, and I don't want you to ever leave this world because things are bad. I want you to talk to me, to tell me how you are, please. Please, Charlie, talk to me," he finished his speech. I didn't know what to say. There were so many things my brain had to process in that time he was talking, I didn't know where to begin. I did kind of want to smile at him calling me 'Char', but I the time wasn't appropriate.

"The person we should be blaming is Ben," I whispered.

Nick's face froze. He froze.

"What the fuck did Ben do?" Nick's voice raised. "What the hell did that bitch do to you?"

I closed my eyes, wishing that this goddamn headache would go away.

"He pulled me into the bathroom after lunch, while I was walking to my next class. He told me that he-he wanted me back. And that one day our relationship was fine and then he messed up a bit and all of a sudden I was with you. Then he...um, he pinned me against the wall with his arm. And he kissed me. And he pushed harder so I could barely breathe. So then I kicked him away and ran out of there," I croaked.

Nick's nostrils flared, and his jaw tensed. He balled up his fists in his lap.

"Jesus fucking Christ."

"Yeah," I whispered.

"He's going to pay for this Charlie. I swear to God, I will make sure he regrets this for the rest of his fucking life. He needs to be reported to the police. This is now the second time that he's assaulted you."

My heart skipped a beat. I was so terrified of reporting Ben. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was honestly scared of him. Of what he could do to me. But I guess he couldn't reach me if he was locked up, right?

"You're right. This isn't right. I just want to go home and pretend this never happened," I responded faintly.

Nick sighed and said, "I know, Charlie, but you need help. You need a lot of help Charlie. You've been through a lot, with Ben twice now and the bullying, and the self harming and your eating thin-"

"What do you mean eating thing?" I cut him off.

"I've noticed that you struggle to eat sometimes. Like at lunch, you never eat. And I don't want you to feel bad, because you might not be able to control it, but...I've noticed. So has Tori."

I scoffed, feeling slightly offended that they were talking behind my back like that. I feel tears stinging my eyes once again (I really needed to stop crying), but I knew he was right. I needed to admit it. 

But I couldn't.

Chapter Text

Seeing Charlie the way he was...it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body and set on the table in front of me. I wanted to cry, to hold him, to tell him it would be okay, but I refrained from doing any of those things. I knew he needed a calm start, at least, and it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to squeeze the absolute life out of him seeing as he wasn't physically well. Or mentally well for that matter.

He was incredibly pale, and his eyes had heavy bags under them. We waited about five hours at the hospital until the nurse said I could go in and see him. Me, of all people, not even his parents or sister. His mum kind of gave me a dirty look when she said my name, but it was what Charlie needed right then.

The bandages on his wrist- God, they were so thick. I couldn't bear thinking about what he had to do, how badly he did it, to need those on his wrists.

When he told me about what happened with Ben, I was absolutely fuming. He really had the audacity to do that to Charlie again, he really thought he could get away with it this time. But I wasn't going to fucking stand around and let Ben live his life after he caused Charlie to do this to himself, to try to end it all. I was tired of letting him be fine while my boyfriend was in the goddamn hospital.

I tried to not let my anger show in front of Charlie, since I didn't want him to get worked up or too worried, but it was very, very hard.

The look on Charlie's face as he interrupted me when I mentioned his eating stuff chipped away at something inside me. He was totally oblivious. There was genuine confusion in his face, like he had no idea what I was talking about. How could he not know?

"I don't have an eating thing, Nick," Charlie spat. I blinked at him, slightly taken aback.

"Maybe I'm overthinking it, but sometimes you really struggle Char, or you just don't eat," I replied, trying to keep my voice gentle. "Tori said you barely eat at home as well, which really worries me because if you're not eating at school and home..." I trailed off. I looked up from my hands and at his face.

"You're overthinking it then, and so is Tori. I just don't eat a lot Nick, it's not a problem," he mumbled. He stared me in the eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm just worried," I told him.

"Well, don't be worried," he snapped, an edge to his voice. His jaw slacked and he looked down at his hands. "Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry," he whispered.

I stood up from the plastic chair, kneeling next to him. I gently touched his arm, making sure I was somewhere that wouldn't touch anything that was hurt. I ran my thumb over his forearm, taking a deep breath.

"I know things are hard right now. I don't fully understand because I haven't been through it myself, but I will do my very best to help you. You are so important to me and I..I really need you in my life," I finished.

"Thank you," Charlie said, tears springing into his eyes.

Chapter Text

After Nick gave me a quick kiss on the forehead, he left so somebody else could come see me. I asked for Tori first. I wasn't ready for the crying and questions from my parents.

Tori walked into the room, her face with more expression than I had ever seen. She looked scared, worried, sad. All reasonable emotions of course. She sat in the chair that Nick had sad in.

"Charlie..." she started. I looked at the ceiling. "Why did you do this?" She questioned quietly. "Why didn't you talk to me, or mum, or Nick..?"

"Because I didn't know how," I paused. "I'm so sorry Tori, I really am, it just got too much and something happened and I just didn't want to do this anymore," I rushed to explain. I couldn't cry anymore. I didn't know how to cry anymore after crying for so long.

"I don't want your apologies, Charles. You shouldn't be apologizing. I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were struggling this badly.." she whispered.

"I don't want your sorries either," I responded.

She nodded slowly and then laid a hand on my shoulder. She squeezed it gently and stood.

"Do you want just mum or dad or both of them at the same time?" She asked me.

I sighed, knowing I would have to talk to them eventually, and replied, "Send them both in." It would be better to just get it over with rather having to witness to separate emotional breakdowns.

A couple of minutes later my mum and dad stepped into the room. Mum had a hand over her mouth the moment she saw me, though I could easily hear the sobs. Dad kind of just stood there, a far away look in his eyes.

"Charlie..." Mum choked out. "What happened?"

I knew she knew what happened. I knew she knew what I had tried to do. Yet she still asked. And I still answered.

"Everything got too much and I tried to..I tried to end it..I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry," I said, tired of repeating the same thing.

They talked with me for a few minutes, asking a few questions. Some of them I answered, some of them I just shrugged and stared at the wall. They left eventually, and a male doctor came into the room.

"Hello Charles, I'm here just to go over a few things with you," he said in a very rehearsed tone.

"Okay," I said.

"We would like you to stay in the hospital for a little longer, and then to be transferred to an inpatient facility not far from here. We think it would be good for you, and we'd like to ask some questions."

My heart thudded in my ears, wrists pulsing in time with it. "Okay."

"Have you tried to commit suicide before this?"

"No," I said honestly.

"Do you self harm?" The doctor looked at me intensely.

"N...Yes."

"Alright, those are the big two. Thank you for answering honestly." I nodded. "We noticed that you're a bit underweight for your height and age, and your parents mentioned that you don't eat much at home. Is that something you struggle with?"

I wanted to get up and leave but I couldn't. I opened my mouth, no words coming out. I just nodded slightly.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yeah."

The doctor nodded to himself, thinking.

"Okay, that's all I have for now. I'm going to talk to your parents about getting you into an inpatient facility once your ready to be transferred," he finished the conversation.

I just slumped back into the bed and closed my eyes, wishing to myself that none of this was real.

Chapter Text

The next few hours went by in somewhat of a blur. It was a lot of sitting, waiting, and crying. The crying was mostly from Charlie's mum. Tori just sat there with her arms crossed, emotionless. His dad had a hand over his mouth, eyes glistening, muttering something to himself. I just stared at the lights.

The doctor came out and said that they were going to do a few assessments with Charlie once he was well enough. He said the main one was an eating disorder test, along with a depression and anxiety one just to make sure. He said he was considering testing Charlie for OCD too, but he needed to do the eating disorder one first in order to get a feel for what's going on.

Charlie's mum and dad had to sign a lot of papers. They left for about thirty minutes to discuss with their insurance about getting Charlie to an inpatient facility.

"What's inpatient even like?" Tori asked me while they were gone.

"I have no idea," I responded, which was the truth. My mental health wasn't bad, just some anxiety. I imagined going inpatient, or being told that you have to go inpatient, has to be scary as fuck. I wasn't even the one who was going through it and I was scared as fuck. I think all of us were.

My phone buzzed in the front pocket of my hoodie. I pulled it out, slightly surprised seeing a notification from Tao. He added me on Instagram. I clicked on the notification and followed him back, and then read a very aggressive DM from him.

"Where are you and Charlie?? Did something happen? If something's happened with Charlie and you haven't told me I'm going to march over to you and slap you in the face," he said. I wanted to laugh at the message but I couldn't bring myself to even smile. I didn't reply to his message.

My mum called me a few minutes later, asking what happened. I told her that Charlie had attempted suicide. She told me to stay as long as I needed to. I thanked her and told her I loved her, which she said back. I hung up and kept waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting to see if Char was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

The next few hours of staying in the hospital were gruesome. I was being tested for four different mental disorders. I felt like an alien in my own body. The nurse gingerly took off the bandages on my wrists to change them, and I finally got to see what damage I had done to myself. I threw up.

There were deep gashes in both of my wrists. They weren't bleeding profusely, but still gently oozing out. I couldn't tear my gaze away from them. I warned the nurse that I felt sick and she rushed to grab the trash can, putting it in front of me as I started to vomit. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

"Shh, it's okay, deep breaths," the nurse soothed me. She stayed by my side and rubbed my back in big slow circles. I appreciated her. She didn't judge me, and she was quite kind. She brought me a cup of water and took the trash can away from me. I made sure to not look at my wrists.

She came back and finished wrapping the gauze tightly around my wounds. I sighed with relief as she finished. I would know they're there but I wouldn't have to look at them. I smiled at her weakly.

The doctor came in not long after that and started asking me questions. He informed me that they wanted to test me for anxiety, depression, OCD, and anorexia. My heart dropped at the last two. OCD? Where did OCD come into this? And anorexia? I wasn't fucking anorexic, I just struggled sometimes.

Even though everything in me told me not to, I answered his questions as honestly as I could. I told him about how I didn't eat much daily, and that I could only eat when my brain allowed. But it had to be the right color, the right size, the right thing, the right time. Something in my brain told me that if I ate the wrong thing at the wrong time something bad would happen. I didn't want to take any risks.

He nodded carefully and listened as I explained. His facial expressions didn't give away what he was thinking. That frustrated me, I wanted to know what his opinions were, what he was thinking about my crazy brain. He didn't say much except an occasional "Okay," or "I see."

After maybe about thirty minutes of going through all the tests he left once again. I let my head fall back against the hospital pillow. I wanted to cry but my body wouldn't let me. There was no more in me to cry.

Nick came in a few hours later. I felt so fucking guilty that he had to waste his time waiting for me, being there for me... he should be at school with everyone else. I know he would immediately tell me that he wanted to be there, but he was just saying that. People always just said things like that. 

"How are you feeling?" Nick asked me blandly. I could tell he was exhausted. I felt horrible. He should've gone home.

"I'm really sore and tired," I responded truthfully. "Can you.. can you come up here with me? Please?" I asked Nick softly. Nick's face morphed into a small smile and nodded. He stood from the chair and gently, so fucking gently, laid on the bed next to me. He avoided my wrists and the area around them entirely. He laid his head on my stomach, breathing deeply. I felt more content than I had in a while. Even after what just happened, Nick could make me feel like this.

Nick laid there with me for hours, tracing lazy circles on my chest. We didn't talk at all. I don't think either of us felt like talking. But it was nice. I was just happy Nick was there.

I was just happy he didn't fucking hate me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charlie seemed like he had his soul sucked out of him. He was emotionless, tired and overall just done. It killed me to feel his frail and thin body, to finally notice how dead he looked.

But I stayed there and tried to enjoy being this close to him. I was still processing everything that had happened in the past few days. Charlie kissed me, Harry found out, Harry told the whole school, Charlie told me he self harmed, Ben assaulted Charlie (again), and Charlie tried to kill himself. I didn't know what to think anymore.

My phone buzzed in my pocket as we were laying there, disturbing the peace. I sighed and propped myself up on my elbow, reaching to take my phone out of my pocket. It was Tao again.

Tao- Nick, seriously, what the fuck is going on? You and Charlie are gone today and neither of you are answering my texts. What's happened??

I shifted uncomfortably. Charlie noticed the change in my demeanor.

"What's wrong?" Charlie asked me softly. I paused for a moment.

"Tao's texting me, and you apparently, demanding to know what happened. I don't know what you want me to tell him, or not tell him," I explained. Charlie nodded slowly, his eyebrows creasing.

"Just tell him I'm not feeling well and ended up in the hospital," Charlie said, soundly absolutely defeated. I nodded and texted Tao exactly what he said. I knew it wasn't the answer Tao wanted but Charlie wasn't ready. I wanted to help Charlie through this slowly, even if it took a thousand years.