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Bat-Mite is Batman’s most powerful ‘ally’, a self-assigned chaotic good fifth dimensional imp with a love of mischief and justice. If he wanted to, he could get rid of each and every one of Batman’s Rogues Gallery. He could, but that wouldn’t lead to very exciting stories. Which is why, right now, he instead cheers Batman on as he lands yet another punch on Scarecrow. “Go Batman! Batman go! Kick his straw-stuffed butt.” Bat-Mite lives in a dimension where time doesn’t exist as we perceive it. In the fifth dimension, when is more of a where. The dinosaurs are just down the road and stable nuclear fusion is two blocks over. As such, he is not often used to anticipating that things might happen, just as we would not anticipate randomly appearing next to a mammoth. Thus, it comes to his infinite surprise and no one else’s that he should collide with a cannister of fear gas.
Our story starts like this. Bruce Wayne is forty years old, a reasonably successful geriatrician. Not the sort who’s invited to speak at conferences, or who has a trail of high profile case studies behind him. Bruce Wayne is the sort of doctor your grandma says is a nice young man, nothing more notable than that.
His wife, Talia, is a healthcare scientist in the same hospital, much like Bruce, she’s perfectly competent at her job but she’s never had the ambition to pursue greater things. In that way, the two are a perfect fit. In fact, they’re a perfect fit in many ways. They were college sweethearts, he proposed to her in front of the Eiffel Tower and of course, she said yes.
The wedding was a lovely affair, held in the summer a month after Bruce finished med school. Good food, good drinks, although mercifully no one had too much, and plenty of good company. Talia looked gorgeous in her dress, Bruce looked very charming in his suit. Much merriment was had and it was no one’s surprise when they had little Thomas Junior, TJ, a year later. No one can believe that the little scamp will be starting high school next year.
TJ was later followed by the darling little Athanasia and their dear youngest Damian. The boys go to football once a week and Athanasia plays the violin.
Life is, as always, with its stresses. In fact, just last week, Talia was a whole ten minutes late to work due to a missing set of keys and a particularly unfortunate sequence of traffic lights. But all in all, the Waynes lead a happy life. The grandparents come over every Sunday. Uncle Tom, not to be confused with Grandpa Tom nor TJ, is teaching the boys how to fish when he’s not tied up with Wayne Enterprises. The Waynes may be wealthier than most of Gotham, but their lives are no less idyllic.
But that is not how the story is meant to go.
Our story starts like this. Richard Grayson is a circus acrobat and an Olympic gymnast. He’s tried modelling a couple of times too but nothing quite seems to satiate the ache inside him. His parents quit the trapeze after a nasty fall that saw his father sprain an ankle. Rick never could quite give up the life in the way his parents did. And they were, of course, supportive. Aside from the one time he passed out under a friend’s Christmas tree at a college party aged nineteen, Rick’s parents have been supportive of pretty much everything he’s done.
Tonight, they seemed more anxious than usual as Rick stepped onto the plane. Of course, that was because, as of this moment, Rick is about to either break the world record for highest skydive or become a nice even smear across the sand of the Mohave. He pulls his parachute at the perfect moment and lands with an easy sort of grace. The reporters in the area take their pictures and Rick cheers, adrenaline drunk. The ache, now, is satiated.
It isn’t. Not really.
Selina Elliot works in real estate. Her husband Tommy is a plastic surgeon. They have one precious daughter, Helena and on a surface level, their lives are wonderful. Selina is remarkably successful at her job and Tommy is in fact the sort of surgeon who is invited, and paid handsomely, to speak at conferences. The one hitch, however, is their nightlives. You see, being a real estate agent is a perfectly respectable career, but it lacks the risk of scandal that Selina is searching for. That said, another perk of being a real estate agent is that it gives you the ideal opportunity to scope out a house and to scope out a household. Selina learns and she observes and she listens and then in the dead of the night, Catwoman creeps in and takes what she can. The earnings from these schemes of course go to those who actually need it, approximately sixty percent of it going to local animal shelters. Selina doesn’t particularly consider it theft as such, more non-consensual wealth redistribution. A modern-day Robin Hood so to speak.
Tommy Elliot has perhaps a harder time justifying his actions. He is a physician, and a physician must do no harm. And he thinks, by changing the faces of mob bosses, that he is doing quite the opposite of harm. What would come to them if rival gangs or the police got their hands on them before they could scurry off to lands unknown? What would happen to him if he no longer got their pay checks? These are things he needs the irritating little brat known as the Huntress to understand. Mercifully, with how quiet he is about these little backdoor operations, she doesn’t know his true name or face, he is merely Hu-
Bitten by a radioactive dog in Crime Alley at the tender age of twenty-five, mild mannered reporter Clark Kent has become Dogman, the Bark Knight and World’s Greatest Detective! Always with him is his boss by day and ever-loyal sidekick by night, Pup, the middle-aged wonder! Together, the dynamite duo fight cunning foes like the mighty Condiment King and the villainous Polka Dot Man. Today our heroes are working at the Gotham Gazette when Pup’s magic powers allow him to hear the danger whistle that all crime makes, for you see today, Dogman’s archnemesis, the nefarious Barkseid, has come up with a new evil plan to destroy Star City. Watch as he fills the reservoir with his poisonous clownfish, if they get into the water supply no one will be able to swim in the waterparks this summer. Will Dogman and Pup be able to foil his schemes this time?
Back in the office, Clark asks why Perry has called him into the office. “It’s Barkseid,” the middle-aged wonder tells him. “He’s poisoning the reservoir.”
“And so we must stop him!” Clark announces. “To the Kennel, Pup!”
“Dogman, Pup,” Guy Gardner, their ever loyal gardener and kennel maid greets them as they enter. "You have a guest.”
Faster than an ambling house cat and stronger than your next-door neighbour, An Athletic Teenager marches into the room. “Dogman, my sources tell me that Barkseid and the Bully are working together. We need to team up to stop them!”
“Of course, Athletic Teenager,” Dogman says. “To the Dogmobile!”
“Hang on a moment, Dogman,” An Athletic Teenager says. “Does any of this feel really not right to y-
Naomi McDuffie is a normal high school student with a big secret. The daughter of Zeus, for her seventeenth birthday she was given a magic bracelet, now with the magic word “Shazam!” she becomes the mighty hero Wonder Girl! Working with her assistant, Oracle, the two face the evil order of psychiatrists, featuring the likes of Harley Quin, Hugo Strange and today’s foe, the Scarecrow-
Our story starts like this. Jason Todd turns eighteen today. Homeless since nine years old, this birthday feels little different to any other, dully unexpected and numbingly similar to the day before it. He lugs his tattered rucksack on his back as he tries to find a space to lie low in the muggy August heat. In his pursuit of the shade of a tree, he manages to slam directly into billionaire doctor Bruce Wayne. “Jason?” Bruce asks immediately.
“How do you know my name?” Jason retorts. But he knows this man. He hates this man. He loves this man. You see, Jason Todd is actually the antihero, Red Hood. He knows Bruce Wayne as-
“Pup, pup and away!” Dogman shouts as he leaps out of the way of one of Barkseid’s theta-beams.
“You’d think you’d be able to fly with a catchphrase like that,” An Athletic Teenager calls as he throws one of his signature dodgeballs at the mighty Bully. It doesn’t exactly do much. “And you’d think I’d have a better weapon.” The somewhat above average Teenager stumbles and scrapes his knee. “And better armour.”
Catwoman has found herself in a bit of a conundrum, scoping out a shed, she has actually stumbled into the magical world of Dannyland. “Who the fuck are you?” she asks the sentient rabbit walking past her.
“Well, shucks, I’m Captain Carrot! And who might you be?”
“Catwoman.”
“Darn, you don’t look much like a cat to me.”
“Selina!” the Bat-Signal shouts, his unwieldy costume getting in the way of his sprint forwards.
“Duke,” she says. How does she know his name? “What are you doing here?”
“Yeah, up until this point we’ve managed to keep the Doom Patrol pleasantly Bat-free,” a green monkey says. Strangely, Selina recognises the green monkey, vaguely. “You’re one of Rick’s friends.”
“Hoo, hoo, hahaha, why would I befriend someone like Shortpants?” –
Rick Grayson has achieved everything he has wanted to in life and yet, all of six hours after he thought that was the case, the emptiness has returned. “Maybe I’ll become a taxi driver,” he says to the bar tender, fingers drumming against sticky wood.
The woman next to him frowns, the fish in the bowl next to her cocking its head. “I don’t see it. What about a police officer?”
The fish recoils in horror and the woman leans into listen, “Garth thinks you should be our friend.”
“Right,” Rick finds himself more intrigued than anything else. “I’m Rick.”
“Donna,” she says.
“Hey, Dick and Donna, we could be twins,” something starts to eclipse the emptiness.
Speed Demon and his sidekick Kid Devil, sometimes known as Imp, are once again trying their hands at time travel. To do this, they must run so fast that they enter the fifth dimension. Speed Demon, the third in his line, is a dab hand at this by now, trained by his dear uncle Barry. Little Imp, his first cousin once removed, has a bit of a habit of crashing into things as they start to enter time. As such, it shouldn’t be a surprise that this time, he comes out with a little man, wearing an odd, horned hat. “No! No! No! all of this is wrong!” shouts the little man.
“Dogman will know what to do,” Speed Demon decides. “Let’s go, Imp!”
Jason Todd is twenty-three years old and sighs as he poses for the family photo. The eldest son who came into the family last and caused the most problems. “This will look lovely for the Christmas cards,” Bruce says next to him.
“Won’t it just,” Talia says. “Our sweet little family.”
“Jason’s not smiling,” TJ, the little shit, comments.
“You won’t be either in a moment,” Jason snaps. You see, when Jason was eleven, he was beaten to near death by the villain Crazy Quilt. It was here that Talia, who just so happened to be walking about in Crime Alley, found him. Nursing him back to health with the power of flat mountain dew, Jason was brought into the family.
“Settle down, Jace,” Bruce squeezes his shoulder. “Let’s talk… hrn… let’s talk this out.” -
“Wonder Girl, according to his text messages Scarecrow is going to be meeting Hush at Gotham Memorial tonight,” Oracle says as Naomi tries to focus on her English lesson.
“Noted,” Naomi murmurs.
“What was that, Miss McDuffie?” her English teacher asks.
“Oh, nothing,” Naomi says. “Just thinking to myself.”
“About the Grapes of Wrath, I hope.”
“Of course.”
Helena doesn’t understand how Dogman always manages to find a phone box to change in. Instead, she finds herself brushing a banana peel from her suit as she emerges from a dumpster behind the hospital. Tonight, she is finally going to catch Hush. She needs to in order to stop Gotham’s mafia, even if it means putting her dad behind bars.
Lightning crackles one alley over even though it’s a clear night tonight. She sighs, only in Gotham. She makes her approach into the hospital, sticking to the shadows.
On the other side of the hospital, Wonder Girl does the same.
“Dogman!” Speed Demon shouts, ferrying the odd little man. “We need your help!”
“Speed Demon, it’s great to see you but I’m a little tied up here!” Dogman says as Bully gives him an atomic wedgie.
“Tim!” Imp charges past and tackles an Athletic Teenager out of the way of one of Barkseid’s omega beams.
“Names, Impulse!” an Athletic Teenager shouts. “Impulse…”
The man in the horned hat whimpers.
“I’ve never met you before in my life,” an Athletic Teenager says.
“Yeah, all I know about you is that you’re a loser,” Kid Devil says back.
“We don’t talk shit out, Bruce,” Jason snaps. “Fuck, I don’t even know why I’m playing house with any of you.”
“Jason, you’re as much my child as the others.”
“Bruce, think for a moment, none of this is right. Why can a gerontologist bench a ton? Why was Talia in the middle of Crime Alley?”
“Father, Todd does have a point, our existence does feel as if it’s missing… something,” Damian adds.
Bruce could never ask for more than his four- his four- his five- no there are only four here- his head hurts. He closes his eyes.
“Bruce,” Cass, his wonderful eldest says. “None of this is us.”
He blinks and for a moment, TJ and Athanasia are gone. Damian is ten, Cass is eight, Jason is eighteen, each of them holds a blade and a severed head. He failed them. He blinks again and everything’s back to how it should be. His five wonderful children, safe and happy as all children should be.
Victor Stone and Roy Harper walk into a bar, considering that both of them have been medically advised to not drink, albeit for different reasons, this is probably not a good idea. “Why are we even doing this, Vic?” Roy finds himself asking.
“It just feels right,” Victor says. “Can’t you feel it?”
And the bizarre thing is that Roy can. So much so that when he sees a woman who may as well be Aphrodite herself talking to a fish, he comes up and says, “Hi.”
“Hey,” she feels familiar. The fish feels familiar, the guy with her, now sat back and scrolling on his phone, feels familiar.
“Hey, Shortpants,” Victor says, the guy looking up. “Where’s Twinkletoes?”
“I… don’t know,” The guy freezes. “I know you both. You’re right, where is Wally?”
“You ditching him is a bit of a low blow,” Roy says. He stares at the fish and feels an odd compulsion to torment it.
“Donna, what the hell did you do to Garth?” Victor asks.
Donna and Dick both look at the fish in growing horror.
The ground shudders beneath them. “What’s happening?” Selina asks as a milkman flies through the sky with an anthropomorphic cat.
“Dannyland’s transforming,” the green monkey announces.
The Bat-Signal’s suit flickers bright yellow. “Someone needs the Bat-Signal,” he announces. “This is a terrible suit for combat.”
“It really is, kid,” the green monkey says. “What’s with the Bat thing anyway?”
“It’s because of…”
Sirens blare from unknown places.
“Someone needs to drive the Dan-bulance!” the green monkey says. “The Doom Patrol are needed!”
Bruce Wayne is filling in his taxes as the kids play soccer outside.
A crossbow bolt whispers as it cuts through the air. “Your time is up, Hush!” Huntress warns.
“We’re taking you down, Scarecrow!” Wonder Girl says. The two heroes stare at each other for a moment. “Team up?” Wonder Girl asks.
“Team up,” Huntress says.
“I hate to give you girls a fright but…” Scarecrow presses a button and the hospital meeting room smells of nail polish remover with a vague scent of pineapple.
In the beginning there was nothing but blank, white panels. No dialogue, no characters, no heroes to triumph or villains to be defeated. It was all rather boring. In the middle, a man called Carl appeared. He built four brick walls while singing the entire discography of David Bowie, censored for copyright reasons, before swiftly exiting continuity. The next infinity of pages was spent watching these walls crumble, until in the end, there was nothing but blank, white panels. This of course, does not make for much of an interesting story. And it is not how our story goes.
The man in Speed Demon’s arms screams and thrashes. “You cannot take them away from me!”
“We need reinforcements,” an Athletic Teenager announces. He’s flagging and his bottle of Gatorade that gives him his ‘powers’ is running empty. Barkseid and Bully are going to take them down before too long.
“What if we found you but eight years older and in a tighter suit?” Kid Devil asks.
“That might just work,” Athletic Teenager says. “Provided he had a found family of misfit millennials with superpowers alongside him.”
“What about a league of more experienced heroes who specifically fight intergalactic threats such as Barkseid?” Dogman asks.
Not known to these characters, the author has a habit of forgetting Arthur Curry until they’ve been writing for four hours straight and cannot bring themself to retcon him in.
“Dad, dad!” TJ calls Bruce into his room. “Look the Toothfairy left me five dollars!”
“Is TJ not older than me?” Damian asks. “Why is he losing teeth in his teens?”
Because TJ isn’t in his teens. He’s seven years old and Damian is five and they’re Bruce’s only children because five would really be too many. Far too many chaotic stories from people with five children.
“This is undignified father,” Damian grumbles.
Silly Damian, his first word was “Thesaurus.”
The Dan-bulance skids to a halt in front of the Oblivion Bar, a deeply generic bar in New York, certainly not somewhere frequented by sorcerers or sentient chimpanzees. “We’re needed inside,” the green monkey announces. “Wait, why have I been in this form for so long?” he turns into a man. “Come on, let’s go.”
Monkeys turning into humans, Selina feels this should be more surprising. However, right now it feels like a fog is lifting. This isn’t normal but it’s their normal. “You ready kid?” she asks Duke.
“Always,” Duke says. “Kind of sad it’s taken me this long to even get near to a multiverse adventure.”
“Signal!” Rick- Dick, his name is Dick, finds himself shouting as the kid charges into the bar. He knows this kid. Shit, this is his foster brother. His parents never fostered anyone. He has four siblings, one foster sibling, two family friends that his dad would adopt if he could and a starfish who’s about sometimes. No… he’s an only child. His head hurts. He pushes that thought aside.
“Wing, I mean, random civilian I have never met before,” Duke says. “Who’s hanging out with a green man, a cyborg and a fish.”
Dick guiltily leans away from Garfield and Victor. He’s doing nothing to hide his face and Dick Grayson knowing the Titans creates questions. They know this and yet they’re all here together anyway. No, he met all of them tonight. Rick Grayson is just a guy in a bar with his friends. Vic has some pretty cool prosthetics but he’s not a cyborg and Gar just has green hair. Nothing weird here.
Naomi attaches her rebreather and blinks back the worst of the fear toxin. It’s not great but honestly, doesn’t even feel like the worst anxiety attack she’s had. Unfortunately, it apparently left her dazed for long enough that she let Scarecrow and the other guy escape. She rushes over to the other girl, lay prone on the ground. “Hey,” she puts a spare rebreather on her. “Oracle, who is this?”
“The Gotham Vigilante known as Spo- Huntress,” Oracle says. “Real name Helena Ber- Helena Elliot.”
“What are you doing here, kid?” Huntress asks.
“Chasing Scarecrow. You?”
“Hush.”
“Geez.”
“No, I mean, I’m chasing the villain Hush. He’s my dad.”
“Shit, that sucks.”
“Yep,” Huntress agrees. “My mum’s a villain too. Neither of them know and neither of them know I know.”
“And I thought my family life was weird.”
“Oh?”
“I was the last child of- My mum’s an archaeologist, my dad’s Zeus.”
“Like the god?”
“Yep.”
“I know someone who’d cry if he heard you disprove atheism like that,” Huntress stands up. “Guess we need to go after them.”
Jason Todd spends most of his days reading Pride and Prejudice. This is of course normal. Every young man has a shrine to Mister Darcy in a wet shirt. There are no notable stories to be told here.
“Why am I in a bar? I’m sixteen years old,” Duke says.
“Yeah, kid, you shouldn’t be here,” a man he’s never met before says. He knows none of the people here.
A fish splashes his tail in his bowl. Duke’s not sure how he knows the fish is male.
Duke isn’t in a bar. He’s eating dinner with his parents. His mother laughs and he feels anxious. She’s fine. She has always been fine. No one in Gotham has ever had any trauma to do with laughter.
“Kid!” a green man shakes his shoulders.
Aunt Selina comes into the room, “I noticed everyone’s glasses were running a little dry.” She holds out a fresh bottle of wine.
“Think this is yet another situation where some immortal being declares Dickwing or the Bat the most important being in the universe?”
“Rebel, Rebel, [this lyric has been removed for copyright purposes],” Carl sings as he builds his brick wall.
“Let’s just get them in the Dan-bulance.”
Duke and the entirety of his family dinner are carried off to an ambulance by a green man and a cyborg.
Wonder Girl and Huntress manage to chase down Hush and Scarecrow’s getaway car. “Last stop, boys,” Huntress announces as she pops one of their tyres.
“Arriving at Blackgate in three, two-”
“Happy ninth birthday sweetheart!” Martha Wayne says as she presents Bruce with the cake that Alfred baked this morning. “Make a wish sweetheart.”
Bruce wishes she was actually here. Bruce has never needed to wish for anything.
“One!” Naomi, Mary Marvel and Wonder Girl fly the former getaway car to Blackgate. This is perhaps an excessive number of flighted superhumans to fly one vehicle. But considering Naomi only learnt to fly six months ago and the Gods have been somewhat treacherous lately, it might actually be slightly too few. Cassie hopes that their luck holds up for the time being.
“This is freaking awesome!” Spoiler shouts, hanging from Naomi’s ankle.
Huntress sighs, dangling from Mary’s free wrist. “Planes have a lower risk of dislocating shoulders.”
“You’re welcome to sit in the car with Cluemaster, Hush, Scarecrow and Mandragora, bet they’re having a great time in there,” Spoiler retorts.
Garth, formerly known as Aqualad and more commonly called Tempest, has not been having the most dignified of days. It’s not exactly improved by the fact that right now, Roy is holding his cold, slimy and scaled body still as Zatanna tries to untangle whatever magic is cursing him. Currently, he is stuck looking rather like an axolotl and while it’s an improvement, he would much rather be an Atlantean.
“Dnib ot siht ytilaer,” Zatanna says and Garth didn’t know he was bound to a different reality but a moment later, Roy has his arms wrapped around his waist as he drips on the floor.
“Garth?” Dick asks for a moment, “Who are you? Where am I?” His eyes glaze over, “Right, taxes.”
“You going to be able to stand if I let you go?” Roy asks.
Garth nods and immediately takes the suit Captain Carrot throws at him. “What are you doing here?” he asks the rabbit.
“Beats me, think I’d fit in in the Doom Patrol?”
“A bit too well,” Gar says.
“Aside from Dick, are we all back to normal?” Donna asks.
“How would we tell?” Gar asks. “With what was going on earlier, nothing seemed right then.”
“We could compare backstories?” Victor asks.
“I was- probably not the right person to go first,” Donna says. “I was rendered from clay to be a playmate for Diana or I was a normal orphan raised by the Amazons or I was a weapon made to destroy Diana. Regardless, I met Dick, Wally, Garth and later Roy as a teenager and we became the Teen Titans.”
“My dad died, I was adopted then my dad died and I was adopted. I became Green Arrow’s sidekick, started off hanging out with you guys sometimes and eventually became a full time Teen Titan.”
“I was exiled for my purple eyes and grew up feral until I became Aquaman’s ward. When I wanted to learn more about the human world, I joined the Teen Titans.”
“I was treated with monkey serum as a child to treat a disease I’d contracted. When my parents died I was adopted by the Doom Patrol. I tried to be a Teen Titan when I was twelve, couldn’t get parental permission though. By the time I was seventeen, you let me join anyway, probably because of Raven.”
“I was a promising athlete and a great student until my dad’s experiments went wrong. To prevent me from dying from my otherwise lethal injuries, he used Apokolips tech to turn me into Cyborg. Raven recruited me into the Teen Titans when you reformed.”
“Dickie?” Roy asks. “What’s your story?”
“I’m an acrobat. My parents used to be too before my mom sprained her ankle,” Dick recites, eyes glazed over.
“Looks like you’re leading the team, Donna,” Roy says.
Barbara Gordon sits in the library. Barbara Gordon sits in the Clocktower. Barbara Gordon knows something is deeply wrong. “Oracle,” someone, no one calls.
“Speaking,” she says, doesn’t say.
“Oracle, it’s Speed- It’s Flash. We need the Titans.”
Barbara Gordon has no idea why they’d need giant men from myths.
A piece of ivy starts to climb up the fourth wall. It’s pace so gradual it would take days to even flick through all the panels.
Oracle knows exactly who the Titans are. “Troia, you and the Titans are needed in Star City. Prepare yourselves for a battle with Dar- Barkseid.”
Barbara Gordon wonders why she’s thinking of pools. She should go swimming soon.
Cass bows as she finishes her ballet performance. As she blinks, she feels the give of a man’s carotid as her knife goes through it. She is eight years old. She is happy. She is broken. She doesn’t look back at Cain as she runs away. Bruce hands her flowers as she steps off the stage. This is how things have always been.
The girls drop their gaggle of criminals off at Blackgate. A few of them will need transporting to Arkham. Huntress and Spoiler stand apart. There is only Huntress. There is only Spoiler. Two scared children stand among three powerful young women. There are now two Huntresses and one Batgirl. “We’re needed to fight Barkseid,” Cassie says.
The Danbulance crashes into the Bully who swiftly gains a gold mask as he falls on the ground, at least one limb broken. “Shit, I think he was just a normal kid, Donna,” Victor says.
“Yeah, that’s Anarky… he’s still breathing,” Roy says. A theta beam barely misses the Danbulance. “Unlike us if we stay in here.”
“Titans,” Donna rallies them, “Together!” They charge out of the ambulance.
Like all villains, Barkseid, gradually transmogrifying into Darkseid, his theta beams turning into the far more deadly omega beams, is especially weak to a splash panel where a fuck ton of heroes charge at him. An Athletic Teenager even manages to make the most meagre contribution to the final punch alongside Troia and Super-Dog-Man to get in that Trinity symbolism.
With Barkseid defeated, everyone’s focus turns to the little man in the horned hat. “Where are the Bats?” the little man shouts. “No storyline can ever go more than five issues without at least a mention of the Dark Knight!”
For a wonderous moment, no one knows who the Dark Knight is. Then they all grimace. Even those who love him would know exactly who you were referring to if you muttered, “That asshole.”
Bruce Wayne is looking through spreadsheets when a man in a dog suit crashes through his window. With him, he carries a boy in his late teens dressed in athleisure and some twenty-something who is alternating between shrieking about flying and talking about the weather. Bruce Wayne is about to startle, to reach for some secret button that would fling him from his chair into his armoury. But that would make for an interesting story. “Can I get you a drink?” he offers the furry instead.
The man sighs. “Bruce, we need your help.”
“What can I do for you?”
“You’re… a gerontologist, right?”
“Yes. Do you have a patient over fifty who needs a referral.”
“We do in fact,” the man pulls out a very small man in a pronged hat that seems momentarily familiar. “This man is in fact at least fifty years old and is affected by a very rare affliction that we think only you can fix.”
“I’m afraid I’m more of a generalist than anything. I can refer you to a more adept colleague of mine if needed.”
“Surely, you have better contacts than this, Dogman,” the boy in athleisure says.
The bricks of the wall start to crumble. Carl is no longer around to maintain them.
“Bruce Wayne is always our best bet, Athletic Teen” Dogman says and for some reason, Bruce believes him.
Reality gives way to a Cave and for a moment, it scares Bruce. The cape around his shoulders comforts him. The weight of it feels like his parents’ hands, pushing him forwards even if they cannot follow him. He looks at the little man. “Fear toxin,” he mutters. He’s surrounded by people watching him and currently he doesn’t care. He glowers at them and gets on with his job.
“I still think we should have given Doctor Midnite and Mister Terrific a call,” someone calls.
“Surprisingly, I think the imp in a Batcostume might only be consoled by Batman,” someone else says.
“Hn,” Batman finds the fear toxin antidote and drips it into the imps mouth. “He was coming out of it on his own anyway.”
In the beginning there was a blank page, in the end there will almost certainly be stories cut short, characters long forgotten. In this moment, the continuity corrects itself. “Batman!” Batmite hugs his eternal hero, “You saved me.”
Batman brushes him off. “Next time, stay away from Scarecrow.” He looks at Superman. “The Bark Knight? Want some kibble?”
Superman just smirks at him. “Gerontology, Bruce. I thought you’d at least be a trauma surgeon.”
“Hn… Be a good boy and don’t speak of this.”
“Whatever you say, Doctor Wayne.”
“Wing, you’re back, right?”
“I’m back,” Dick blinks. His head’s still a little bit fuzzy. He’s yanked into a group hug and then notices the crowds around him. He buries his face in Donna’s neck.
She hugs him tight and then pauses. “You’re not actually distressed, are you?”
“I feel more… drugged than anything else. Mostly trying to hide my face.”
“It’s good to have you back,” Wally laughs.
Tim feels more than a little bit childish covering his face with his hands. But much like Dick, and unlike Bruce, the lucky fucker, Batmite did not give him his mask back while righting the universe. “An Athletic Teenager, huh?” Cassie asks.
“Fighting crime in your sweatpants,” Bart adds.
“Do you need me to find you a mask, Tim?” Naomi asks.
“How do you know my name?”
“Kon accidentally said it when you were calling Spoiler at my place, sorry.”
Tim is going to kill Kon, actually, “Kon hears none of this, wherever he is.”
“Him, Kara, Arthur, Hal, Kori, Raven and Diana are in space together. It’s quite an odd combo,” Cassie says. “That said, I’ve been thinking, we should get the team back together. Now the Justice League is gone, we can poach you back.” Tim watches her turn to Naomi through the gaps in his fingers.
“You’d have me back?” she asks.
“We kicked ass,” Cassie says. “Although, shrugging off fear toxin because your anxiety’s worse… are you okay?”
“Working on it,” Naomi chuckles slightly. “You were so cool, too. And Mary.”
“We made a pretty good fusion. Also, Bart, when Eddie eventually comes back from the dead, maybe don’t tell him that you stole his name.”
“I went by Imp most of the time anyway, it’s catchier.”
“Definitely don’t tell him that,” Tim says. He snorts. It’s good to be back even if he’s currently hiding his face and feeling vaguely mortified with his entire existence.
“Faster than an ambling housecat.”
“Stronger than your next-door neighbour.”
“It’s an Athletic Teenager,” Tim chuckles.
Steph sits down next to Cass, “Hey, how’s it going?” she asks.
Cass shrugs.
“Did you know Batmite thinks Huntress and I are interchangeable?”
“You’re purple,” Cass frowns.
Steph likes to think that’s not her defining characteristic. “So, where were you in his violent struggle against his precious boy being boring.”
“Being boring,” Cass says. “I wasn’t there, then I was boring.”
“Huh,” That’s not what Steph was expecting.
“Sometimes, there was blood on my hands. Batmite kept pulling back to… then.”
Steph knows exactly what moment Cass is talking about. “You know, you’re not that moment. You were a scared child who didn’t know what you were doing. Every single thing you’ve done since then-”
“Doesn’t matter.”
Steph wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Look at us, the Purple One and the Tragedy. You know what, there’s something great about Batmite not getting us?”
Cass looks intrigued at her.
“He’s pretty much a God, right? He’s always going to warp Bruce’s reality to fit what he wants the story to be, that sounds like some god level powers to me. But if he’s indifferent to us, that means we can prove a God wrong.”
Cass laughs. “Okay, we’ll prove a God wrong.”
“Damn right we will,” Steph high fives her.
Damian looks at Jason. If it wasn’t for him, he wonders how deep into this fantasy Bruce would have gotten. “You were better at reminding father that his life is flawed.”
“Thanks, kid,” Jason says.
“I accept that I might… owe you one for that,” Damian says.
“Happy to make B miserable any time,” Jason says. He looks over to Bruce. “Actually, going to go mingle barefaced to bum him out more. Good talk, Damian.” He strolls off.
Talia watches him before approaching Damian. “You understand why the life you were shown cannot happen?”
“I understand,” Damian says. “I wouldn’t want it.”
Talia smiles slightly, “Me neither. Nor would I let Bruce name our first son TJ like that.”
Damian smiles back. “I am going to remind Batmite that neither of us would ever be so boring.”
“Even if… even if you choose your father’s path over mine, I am proud of you, Damian.”
“You ever been involved in multiverse shenanigans before?” Duke asks Selina.
“Not like that, Lightbulb,” she smiles. “That said, I think that was a new one for most of them.”
“Clark doesn’t seem too bothered.”
“Bruce once said Clark’s own Imp tried deleting his son from reality. Gave him nightmares about you kids for months.”
“I mean Bruce doesn’t foster me anymore. Shit, I should check in with my parents, make sure they didn’t forget who I am or something.” Duke finds himself thinking about them laughing at him through plexiglass. He thinks about the moment Metamorpho took the toxin from his mother and she finally, finally recognised him. He hopes to anyone out there, that she’ll recognise him this time too.
“Duke, before you go, Bruce has a big heart. Big enough that he spent fifteen years trying to get me to do better. Just because he’s not your foster parent anymore, doesn’t mean you don’t matter to him anymore. You kept the Bat signal when none of the rest of us did.”
Duke smiles slightly, “Thanks Selina.” He reaches for his phone, “Hey, mom.”
She sounds exhausted then panicked, “Duke. Is everything okay, sweetheart?”
He looks at the time on his phone, “Oh shit, I did not realise it’s three am. Yeah, I’m okay. Are you okay?”
Epilogue
“Batmite,” Bruce calls as he’s writing up a contingency in his black book.
“You actually called!” The imp squeals. “I mean, at your service, sir, yes, sir.”
“Theoretically, what would you come out with if you were affected by Cheer Toxin?”
“Hm, well you’d all have to end up on that one dinosaur island, after crashing down from the moon with no space suit, of course.”
“That was you?”
“I have to have fun somehow. You’d spent too long playing fetch with your dogs and crying!”
“Hrn.”
“So it would be the adventures of Batman, Nightwing, Oracle, Schrodinger-”
“Schrodinger?”
“The whole Red Hood thing’s getting kinda boring. I know he’s always going to come back to the family then double cross then come back and on and on and on. It’s predictable. But I can never decide if it would be better if he was dead or alive, so Schrodinger.”
“Hrrrn.”
“Now that’s a signature scary growl, where was I at, Schrodinger, Drake, that name was also my idea, Huntress, Batgirl One, Azrael, Batgirl Two, Robin, The Signal, Blue Jay, Cullen, Gotham Girl, Alfred, Harold and Terry-”
“Terry?”
“Your timeline probably won’t meet him, you haven’t alienated Dick and Babs entirely,” Batmite continues. “All of you would team up with the dinosaurs and fight some more Joker dragons, maybe hm… the Moon could be the Joker too. And there would be a variable number of Jokers just to mess with you more.”
“Are you sure you’re better natured than Mister Mxyzptlk?”
“You asked for my biggest fantasy, Batman!”