Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Charles, do hurry up.” Edwin called as he moved, cautiously but quickly, through the old, abandoned house. “If we cannot find whatever enchantment is doing it’s work on this poor soul and keeping them in this state of tormented amnesia, we will never be able to set them free.”

“Yeah, I know, mate.” Charles grumbled as he moved behind Edwin, looking for any sudden movements or threats he might need to protect him from. “I am aware of the case we’re working on; I was listening.” Edwin glanced back and raised his eyebrow slightly, giving Charles his were-you-really-though look. Charles let out a small huff of unwilling laughter.

“Always good to know.” He gave Charles his small, knowing smirk and Charles grinned in reply. Edwin put his arm out to stop Charles as he came to a door at the top of the house and Charles walked into his outstretched arm as he pondered exactly what it was about his partner’s smile that made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Shit, Charles, focus. “Now, this room seems promising. The majority of the supernatural energy is coming from inside, and I hope that means we are close to the source of all this confusion.” He went to push the door open but stopped and looked pointedly at Charles. “There will probably be a great deal of dark magic inside, so do be careful.”

“Always am. Super brave and strong, me. They don’t call me the brawn for nothing.” Charles bounced up and down on the balls of his feet.

“I am pretty sure you are the only one who refers to yourself in that way.” Edwin smirked fondly and Charles felt that unnamable swoop in his stomach again, but instead of dwelling on it he clutched at his cricket bat and followed Edwin into the room.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkened interior, Charles saw a small office room that seemed to have every surface cluttered with objects that looked anywhere between (in his expert opinion) bewitched, magical and downright spooky. He sighed as he moved forwards, careful not to knock anything over with his backpack. He’d hoped, when they had taken on this case, that it would be straight forward, but they were now over a week in and this house was their first real lead. They had been hired by the friend of a ghost who had started acting very oddly: they seemed angry, acted out of character and, most perplexingly, seemed to have no memory of their life as a ghost. Yesterday, they had discovered that ghost had visited the witch who lived here before being plunged into their state of amnesia, and Charles was hopeful that they would find the spell or an amulet or something that would allow Edwin to do his top-notch magic and reverse this thing. Then they could get the job jobbed and it would allow Charles to go back to his very important and time-consuming soul-searching about whether or not he was actually in love back with his best friend.

“Charles, this looks promising. Could you please pass me my hieroglyphics and ruin decoder? It’s about so big,” Edwin gestured with his hands, as he crouched down next to a desk, looking intently at a stone tablet that was propped up there. “Grey cover, small gold writing on the front.” He held his hand out expectantly and Charles rummaged in his backpack.

“This one?” Charles asked as he placed the book in Edwin’s hand. He looked at it and nodded.

“Thank you.” He muttered as he opened the book and began scanning the pages. Charles looked around the room quickly, trying to distract himself from just how adorable Edwin looked when his brow was furrowed in concentration. God, the whole in-love-with-him-back thing was seeming more and more probable. Maybe he should tell him? Not in the middle of a case, Charles. Get a grip.

“Ooh look. This has got more of those markings on, maybe there’s something in here.” Charles reached out a hand towards what looked like a cupboard. His hand was already on the handle, pulling it open when he heard Edwin shout.

“No, Charles! Don’t!” Edwin was suddenly up and moving towards Charles. He grabbed a hold of the hand by Charles’ side and in one elegant move he pulled his best friend behind him, shielding him from the now open door. This movement nearly knocked Charles off his feet, but he regained his balance just quickly enough to look around and see Edwin being hit squarely in the chest by a bright white light, and crumple from the impact. A light that should have been for Charles. Should have hit him instead.

“Edwin!” Charle screamed as he lunged forwards, managing to catch his friend before he hit the floor. Charles hooked his arms under Edwin’s armpits, trying to pull him back to standing but his friend’s head lolled, his eyes unfocused, and his body had a floppy quality that terrified him to his core. “Edwin, please, talk to me. Eds- are you okay?”

“Mmph.” Edwin made a small noise in reply as his head rolled further back, knocking against Charles’ own.

“Right, gonna get you back home, mate. It’s gonna all be okay.” Charles muttered as he pulled Edwin towards him, dragging him out of the room towards the mirror he’d spotted on the landing. “All going to be okay.” He panted as he pulled him backwards and closed the few meters to the mirror. When he got there, he closed his arms tighter around his friend and stepped through the mirror: thinking of Edwin, and home.

“Crystal! Niko! Help me!” Charles bellowed as soon as he felt himself fall into the office. He started pulling Edwin towards the sofa “Fucking help me! Someone help!” Charles’ voice came out as a ragged sob and it was all he could do to keep moving forward.

“What’s happened?” Crystal yelled as she ran into the room, followed by Niko: her white hair flying and a terrified expression painted on her face.

“It’s Edwin. Help me get him to the sofa. Help.” Charles babbled and the girls ran forward, trying to help carry Edwin.

“What happened?” Crystal asked again as they finally managed to maneuver him to a sitting position on the sofa. He moved slightly, eyes almost shut but seemingly completely unaware of anything that was happening around him.

“All my fault. It’s all my fault. Oh fuck it’s my-”

“Charles!” Crystal shouted, taking him by the shoulders. “Tell me what happened and then we can fix it.”

Charles tried to remember how to speak. Niko sat next to Edwin and held his hand and Charles fought back the urge to cry, to shout, to break things. He told Crystal, as best he could, about what had happened. He couldn’t look at Edwin, or he’d break down. How could he have done this to the person he loved most? What the fuck was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he ever do anything right?

“Okay and since then he’s been… like this?” Crystal asked, looking over at where Edwin sat, his eyes unfocused when they were open, and his limbs hanging limply at his side.

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, I don’t know what that light thing did. Shit, I don’t know anything. He’s the smart one, he’s…” Charles trailed off, the lump in his throat becoming too large to speak over.

“It will be okay, Charles.” Niko whispered.

“You don’t know that!” Charles shouted and Niko flinched. “God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t- I can’t-” Charles gulped, aware sobs were seconds away from overtaking him. He turned and walked out of the room, unable to stand it anymore.

“Shall I come with you?” Crystal asked.

“No, I can’t- Look after Edwin, please.” Charles almost broke into a ran as he moved to the other room. Tears were falling hot and fast down his face. His ghostly form reacted instinctively and started to heave great shaking breaths of unnecessary air in, trying to stop him from hyperventilating. It didn’t help. The tears spiraled into panic as he fell to his knees and gasped. He didn’t know what had happened to Edwin, or why, but he knew he had been the cause. His best friend was injured, worse than anything he’d ever seen happen to him this side of hell, and it was all because he was a stupid, impulsive twat who didn’t listen. If I can just get him back Charles begged a God he didn’t know if he believed in I promise I’ll do better, I’ll be smarter, I’ll make sure it’s me instead of him next time. Please, let it be me instead.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, sobbing and praying, but eventually his silence was interrupted by Crystal knocking at the door.

“He’s come too, a bit.” She said quickly, not addressing the state Charles was in. “You should come and see him.”

“Oh, thank God.” Charles stood up, wiping his face on his sleeve, and already moving back to where Edwin was. He burst back through the door and saw Edwin sitting up, his eyes still unfocussed but more alert. He seemed more in control of himself as he sat with his hands in his lap. So why did Niko look so concerned as she sat next to him? Charles tried to shake off his worries, tried to focus on the positives. He beamed and fell to his knees in front of Edwin.

“Oh, mate. I’m so glad to see you looking better.” Charles smiled as he leant forwards and clasped Edwin’s hands in his own.

“Who exactly are you?” Edwin looked affronted and pulled his hands out of Charles’ grip.

“Very funny, mate.” Charles rolled his eyes, not sure exactly what the joke meant but just so glad to hear his voice again.

“Incase it is not evident; I am being serious. Who are you?” Charles looked up into his eyes and a horrible possibility hit him in the gut.

“Edwin, mate, it’s me. It’s Charles.” He reached out and put his hand on Edwin’s knee, but Edwin moved his leg quickly, leaving his hand falling though the air. Edwin, who had always leaned into his touch. Edwin, who was in love with him. That Edwin was flinching from his smallest touch and looking at him like… He didn’t even know what that look was.

“You are going to need to give me more information than that.” He pulled himself up, his eyes becoming more focused but somehow still lacking something. There was a coldness there that never normally shone out. A palpable lack of warmth.

“Okay,” Charles took another shuddering breath, trying to force himself to act normally. Trying to force his brain to remember how to do things. “I’m Charles Rowland, your partner in the dead boy detective agency and your best mate, for nearly thirty-five years now.” He gave Edwin his best, most winning smile.

“That sounds implausible. I do not have friends.” His eyes skimmed past him and came to rest on Niko. “And who do you say you are?”

And suddenly Charles placed that look in his eyes. Indifference. He had moved swiftly on from him, to Niko as if they were the same. Charles had never, from the second they had met, looked at Edwin and seen anything but love, devotion, hope, friendship. Edwin had always looked at him like he was the best person in the room, like he was the answer to a question he hadn’t asked. Charles hadn’t realised, until that very moment, how much he’d depended on that look. How much it had defined him. Who was he if he wasn’t the person Edwin thought he was? How could he exist when his best friend looked right through him? He’d have taken anger over this, taken hatred. How could he look at him like he meant nothing? How could he forget what they were?

Charles didn’t hear what Niko said. The panic was coming again, crashing in waves. He dug his nails into his palms in hopes that the pain would ground him, but it only added to it. Blindly, he turned away and crashed clumsily into the other room- vaguely aware that Crystal was following him.

“God, Crys. He just looked at me like I’m nothing.” Charles turned and collapsed onto her shoulder, sobs wracking his body once again. “He really doesn’t know me at all. He doesn’t care.”

“Shhh.” Crystal soothed him, rubbing his back “Its going to be okay. I promise. You’re Charles fucking Rowland and he’s Edwin Payne. There’s no version of this where you don’t fix this, yeah?”

Chapter Text

The next few days were the hardest in Charles’ existence. Harder than any of the misery he’d suffered at home- harder than the worst week of his life, which had been when at 15 his dad had put him into hospital for getting his ear pierced. Then he’d had to smile and charm and convince the nurses that he’d fallen off his bike and that was how he’d broken his ribs. One concerned nurse had tried to talk to him alone, but Charles had seen the way his father’s hands had gripped his mum’s arm and he knew what that meant. If he didn’t behave, she’d suffer too. So he’d kept his smile broad and won them all over with his jokes and his laughter and he’d gone back home and carried on as normal. Because that had been normal, to him. In life he’d been miserable most of the time, he knew that now, but he’d had nothing to compare it with. Perhaps, if he’d had a nice, normal, loving family to start with then it would have been different. But pain had been his constant companion growing up. Fear and unease had lived in him every day he'd been alive, as much a part of him as the need to eat or sleep.

That was why this was different, and why these days were the worst he had ever experienced. Because he was used to the happiness he had with Edwin- he relied on it. And now it was gone: now he was gone. He was really gone. There was someone in his office with him, and that person wore Edwin’s face and spoke in Edwin’s voice, and even had some of his mannerisms. But he was not Edwin. Edwin was gone and it was all Charles’ fault and now, nearly a week later, he still didn’t know how to get him back. He had done everything he could think of- traversed every avenue. It was all he thought about and yet the strangeness of it still caught him off guard. When he found a paragraph that might be useful, he looked over to Edwin’s chair, expecting to see him there. Then the grief would hit him like a wave on a stormy day, and he felt himself crumple under its weight.

Not-Edwin mostly kept to his room. Niko had caught him up with their back-story on that first night, while Charles had paced and self-recriminated. She had told him everything she knew- about how Edwin and Charles had met, about all their adventures she knew of over the past 30 plus years, and she spoke in detail about their time together in America. She spoke until her throat was dry, in the hopes that something would spark some recognition. Finally, she came into the kitchen where Charles and Crystal sat, keeping vigil and mourning over the long-dead but only recently lost.

“Anything?” Charles asked as he jumped up, knocking the chair backwards in his haste. Niko shook her head sadly.

“He doesn’t remember anything, what’s worse is he doesn’t seem to believe. Or want to believe.” Niko looked so lost, her usual shine far from her eyes. “I think you need to talk to him, please. If anyone can bring him back, it’s you.” Charles gave a miniscule nod and followed Niko back to the sofa where Edwin sat, ridged and unblinking. He did not look around as they entered the room and showed no curiosity as Charles sat next to him.

“Hey, mate. How’s it going?” Charles gave him his best and brightest smile- the one that worked on nurses, teachers and even the odd angry witch. He was a likeable bloke, he could win Edwin over.

“Would you please desist from using that pleasantry. We are not, as far as I am concerned, friends. And we shall not become so at this moment in time.” Edwin looked at him with cold eyes that didn’t suit him. Charles breathed in heavily. “Now, is there somewhere I could please go to be alone? I would like to rest and try to comprehend what has happened to me.”

“Of course, I’ll show you to your room.” Charles bristled as he stood up. He was so angry, so hurt. He stomped away and heard Edwin follow him. Charles knew that this wasn’t how he should be acting. He knew he should be fighting, doing everything he could to get Edwin back. But he couldn’t stand to look at him and see no recognition in his eyes. So, he showed him to a room and shut the door and there he had stayed. Every day one of the remaining trio had approached, they’d tried to make a conversation or a connection and every day they had failed.

DAY 1: NIKO

“I thought we could go to the library tomorrow; it’s my fourth favourite public building and you love reading so I’m sure between us we can find something useful.” Niko smiled gently, trying to coax out the softer side of Edwin that she knew was there, somewhere. Deep down.

“I do not see what use you would be in this endeavor. Please direct me where to go and I will be able to locate the source material myself.” Edwin snapped.

“I have excellent reading comprehension skills.” Niko said in a sad, small voice. As Charles looked on, he wasn’t sure whether she was trying to reassure herself of her usefulness, or actually convince Edwin.

“I highly doubt whether someone like you could-” Edwin had started.

“Hey!” Charles chimed in, physically jumping into the conversation and to Niko’s defense. “There’ll be none of that!”

“I simply mean that it is very unlikely she has been educated past the age of 14, and as such she will have little to offer. If I was in need of advice regarding homemaking or-”

“Listen, it’s not the nineteen hundreds anymore.” Charles growled. “You need to update your preconceptions a bit here.” Edwin cocked his head to one side. Neither snapping the way he would expect Edwin to when told off, nor apologizing as he was accustomed to Edwin doing when he realised he was in the wrong. Instead he was looking Charles up and down with a calculating gaze, as if deciding whether he was worth believing.

“Hmmm. I suppose that makes sense. Could you recommend a way I could understand the events and cultural changes that have passed me by?” He asked.

“I’ll get Crystal to sort you something.” Charles replied in a clipped tone.

“That would be appreciated.” Edwin turned and closed the door without saying goodbye.

DAY 2: CHARLES

“Hey, m- Edwin.” Charles beamed as the door to Edwin’s room opened, following his knock. “How are you doing? Can I come in?” He kept the smile on his face and tried to control the urge to bounce up and down to let out his nervous energy.

“I suppose you may.” Edwin turned and walked stiffly back to the edge of the single bed where he sat, upright and formal. Despite having been back here two days, he still wore his coat and waistcoat as if ready to leave at the shortest notice. Charles followed and sat next to him, purposefully sitting on his hands so they didn’t wander to his friend’s shoulders, his arms or to touch his leg to reinforce a point. To sit next to Edwin and not touch him was as unnatural a feeling as he’d ever felt. But then, there was nothing natural about this situation.

“How are you?” Charles asked softly.

“Much the same as I was yesterday.” Edwin stared straight ahead, ignoring Charle’s seeking eyes. “I still do not recall any of this supposed afterlife you say we have spent together, if that is what you are inquiring about.”

Charles blinked. Supposed afterlife. As if all they’d done, as if the best years of his entire existence, could be reduced to two words spat out in disbelief. As if it all meant nothing; he meant nothing.

“Right, okay. Well. Lots of time to get it back. And we will, don’t worry.” His hand disobeyed him and flew forward and squeezed Edwin’s. Edwin jumped, pulled his hand away and looked down at it as if Charles had branded him with hot iron. Charles bit down on his lip hard and swallowed the scream that climbed his throat. “I will get you back, Edwin. With your memories. If it’s the last thing I do.”

Edwin turned to look at him, his brow furrowed as if Charles had just posed him with a puzzling theoretical question.

“You really care for me, don’t you?” He asked, as if asking what the weather would be tomorrow.

“I… yeah.” Charles stammered. There were tears in his eyes now to accompany the lump in his throat. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t explain what Edwin meant to him to a stranger who wore his face.

“And did I care for you?” It was the tone, more than the words, that broke Charles. He sounded so incredulous: as if caring for Charles was something he could never rationalize.

“You- you used to.” Charles choaked out the words as he pushed himself away, off the bed and out of the room, away from the present tense version of the man who used to love him more than anything else in this world.

DAY 3: CRYSTAL

Crystal steadied herself as she stood by the door, ready to knock. These last three days had shaken her more than she’d thought would be possible. She had never really had friends before, back in her old life: not the kind of friends that mattered. But now she had Niko, and Charles, and Edwin. And they had become everything to her. They were her family when her parents didn’t miss her or want her back. They were the friends she wished she’d always had. But now that had gone too. One stupid bit of magic and she’d lost Edwin, just when she was getting to know him. And Charles. Well. Charles had changed completely. He never smiled and he never stopped. He was constantly reading, researching, chasing down leads or possible acquaintances who might know something, anything, about how to get Edwin’s memories back. Charles was the strongest person she knew but this had broken him: he was a shell of who he usually was. In those few short days, she’d lost both of them.

“Hi, can I come in?” Crystal called as she rapped on the door three times.

“Oh, it’s you.” Edwin sighed as he opened the door and turned back away instantly, leaving it open for Crystal to follow. Crystal almost smiled as she rolled her eyes at how it felt like she was back at the start with Edwin, when he’d been openly hostile to her. But this was so much worse than then, after what they’d been through and what they’d become to each other. She sighed and walked forwards. “I thought you might be the boy again.”

“The boy has a name, and it’s Charles. And you know that.” Crystal snapped. “And he has sent me to give you this.” Crystal placed a laptop down on the table. “If you’re going to be stuck without your memories for a while, you can at least catch yourself up to the modern way of thinking. I’ve left it open on some pages that might be of interest to you- world wars, women’s rights, technology. Try and drag you and your misogyny into the correct century.” She had heard from a tearful Niko about the way he had spoken to her and was thoroughly unimpressed.

“It has all the information on this little box? Fascinating. Are there papers inside?” Edwin leant forwards but Crystal put a hand on top of it.

“I’ll show you in a moment. But first, we need to talk. About Charles.” She rolled her shoulders and straightened her back: ready for battle.

“I do not see what I could possibly need to discuss with you about him.” Edwin said stiffly.

“You need to stop being horrible to him, you’re breaking his heart.” Crystal said bluntly.

“I am not being horrible as you put it. And I certainly have no intended effect on his heart what so ever. I simply have no recollection of the man, and I do not wish to pretend I do.”

“Well maybe you should.” Crystal spat. “Because you are his best friend, and you have been for longer than I’ve been alive. And now suddenly he’s lost that- surely you can imagine how upsetting that could be?”

Edwin thought about this for a moment, taking in her words and her tone and thinking of all he had seen from Charles before.

“I find I cannot imagine this feeling. I have never had a close friend, merely acquaintances at school. My brother and I were close when we were younger, but we went to different schools and my father was exceedingly unhappy when I expressed my distress about that when I was small. So, no. I cannot understand how it would feel to have someone it would upset me to lose.” It was possibly one of the saddest things she’d heard, but Edwin just looked at her as if they were still discussing how the computer worked. She sucked in some air and let out a deep breath before she could speak again.

“Well, the thing is, you had that. You and Charles both had that. You were like this dead married couple on acid. You finished each other’s sentences and moved in sync. It was equal parts cute and creepy.” She laughed at his puzzled expression. “So, you owe it to yourself as much as him to try to get it back- yeah?” Edwin gave a small nod. “Right, shall we look at this computer and get you sorted on it?” She clapped her hands together and opened the laptop.

DAY 4: CHARLES

“Hi, Edwin.” Charles tried his best to give a smile as he saw Edwin in the doorway, when all he wanted to do was cry. He was being haunted by the ghost of a ghost.

“Hello, Charles.” Edwin seemed like he was trying to smile back, but it looked wrong on his face. Charles had aways been able to make Edwin smile before. In the worst of times, in the depths of hell. It had been something he’d prided himself on. “Do come in.”

“How are you?” Charles asked formally, sitting a small way away from him. Trying to remember what it felt like to lean up against him and have Edwin’s warmth flood through him. Trying not to wonder if he’d ever feel that again.

“I am keeping myself busy learning about all the ways the world has changed since my death. Crystal has been most helpful in instructing me how to use the lap top.” Edwin said it as if it was two words, and Charles felt the corner of his mouth twitch upwards. “She informed me it was your idea that I use it to become aware of the changing world, so I thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Charles smiled, so ridiculously happy to just have the smallest courtesy from his old friend. “It was much easier the first-time round, because I could take you and show you all the sights, but it still took months to catch you up on it all. And less stuff had changed then, it was the 80s after all.” Charles thought about how his own world knowledge had changed since the time he had died. Would it be different if their first meeting was in 2024? Would he have told Edwin that he was free to love whoever he wanted? Would he have shown him adverts that showed two men being married, raising a family? Would it have mattered? Could they both have had an additional thirty years of being together in a different way? Of being in love? He shook the thoughts from his head, vaguely aware that he had zoned out while Edwin was speaking. “Sorry, what?”

“I was asking if you could tell me about when we met for the first time.” Edwin asked, his voice more curious and softer than it had been before.

“I thought Niko had told you.” Charles said quickly.

“She informed me of the basics, but I did not get a true sense of the night.” Edwin replied simply and Charles bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted little less than to relive one of his most treasured memories with someone who might mock, who wouldn’t understand. But Edwin had asked, and he could never say no to anything Edwin wanted.

“Yeah, sure thing.” He took a deep unnecessary breath to try to ground himself. “Well, it was 1989. And it was the day I died. I was in a petty bad state, to be honest, when you found me. I was pretty far gone and freezing and just huddled up in a corner, waiting to die. And I was so scared, and so sad, and so angry at the people who’d hurt me. Then you turned up. You held this lantern and you looked, God, you looked like an angel or something coming towards me with this light. You put it next to me and you talked to me, made me feel safe. You looked after me more than anyone else ever had, even though you’d just-” Charles pulled himself up quickly. He didn’t know if this Edwin remembered hell. And he certainly didn’t want to be the one who told him about that. If he didn’t know, let him stay in ignorance.

“Even though I’d only just met you?” Edwin finished. Charles nodded. “Why was I so kind to you, when you were a stranger?” Edwin asked and Charles couldn’t help but feel flawed by the question.

Why had he been so willing to embrace kindness, to become so caring the first time they had met? And why was he unable to do it now? What did he see in him then, and why was that no longer there? Was it just because he had been so pitiful then, dying alone after receiving the cruelty of others? Was it really pity that had kept them friends all this time? Charles couldn’t believe it, wouldn’t believe it. The situations were so different, he told himself. Back then Edwin had found him and had seen a boy similar to himself, he’d chosen kindness in the face of that boy and real warmth had grown from that decision. Whereas now, now he was disorientated, alone and confronted with three people who were united against him in their knowledge and insistence that he was someone he did not feel like he was. Edwin was not able to lower those defenses, not able to take the first step to let their love grow.

“Because you are kind.” Charles smiled, his eyes full of tears. “You are kind, and you are brave and you were the best companion I could have asked for when I was alone and dying. You sat with me and made me laugh, you read me stories until the sun came up and death came to try to take me.” Charles turned towards Edwin and placed his two hands over Edwin’s own, clasped in his lap.

“I know you feel emotional.” Edwin repressed a flinch. “But if you could please refrain from touching me, I would appreciate it. I am not some kind of nancy boy.”

“Right.” Charles stood up, breathing heavily. “Right. Okay.” He turned and walked straight through the door, straight into the kitchen.

When he reached the empty space he screamed loudly, picking up pans, pots and plates and throwing them on to the floor, relishing in the destruction. In the chaos. He grabbed everything he could and rained it down around him.

“Charles!” Crystal shrieked as she ran into the room, yanking the door open “What the actual fuck?”

“We. Were. Supposed. To. Have. Forever!” Charles shouted, punching the wall hard with each word.

“Charles, stop!” Crystal moved forward and he dropped his fist instantly, letting it fall to his side and letting tears fall fast down his face.

“He was in love with me, Crys. And I was supposed to have forever to work out what that meant for me. And now he doesn’t love me any more, can’t stand to have me touch him. And I never… I never even told him I was in love with him too.” He fell to the floor, sobbing amongst the wreck of all the things he’d broken.

Chapter Text

“Charles, this needs to stop.” Crystal sat down heavily on the chair Edwin used to inhabit. Charles glared over at her, and she stood up quickly, moving to the other side of the desk. Charles still sat perched on the side of the table, like he used to when Edwin had been there taking up his usual space. They both stared at the gap he had left between them. It was day seven, and Crystal had almost entirely stopped sleeping. They moved around each other in a dream-like state and jumped at small noises.

“Tell me what to do then, Crys.” Charles almost shouted. He was always almost shouting or almost crying these days, and she couldn’t take it anymore. “Because this is all I know what to do, and this isn’t working and I’m out of fucking ideas.” He pushed away the books that he was trawling through.

“You need to get out,” she said simply, pushing down all her instincts that told her to shout back: to tell Charles it is unfair he takes out his anger on her. It is a conversation that won’t go any better for them having it for the umpteenth time. “Both of you need to get the hell out of this office.”

“Where are we supposed to go? What should I do? He doesn’t want anything to do with me.” Charles had recently stopped saying Edwin’s name, referring to him only by his pronoun- to try and distance the man they were currently living with from his best friend.

“Take him to the places you used to visit, talk to him about your life. He needs you now, Charles. He needs you to show him who he is. You’re the one who remembers, and you need to be strong for him.” Crystal let her voice soften slightly but she remained strong in her conviction.

“I don’t know if I can be.” Charles whispered, looking away.

“Look, this might help get his memory back, or it might not. But you owe it to him and to yourself to try. And to show him how much you still care. Yeah?” Charles nodded and Crystal smiled slightly and walked away. “Great, I’ll go and get him.”

Charles nodded again, finding himself unable to speak. He felt the memory of sickness sweep through him as he contemplated being alone with someone who meant so much to him. He remembered, suddenly, a friend from school who’d been madly in love with a girl who lived two doors down from him but wouldn’t give him the time of day- he suddenly understood that crushing feeling. The way all your happiness was held in the hands of someone who had no idea what they were holding. The love notes and mix tapes made more sense now. Anything, to try to make them feel a fraction of what you felt.

“Hi, mate.” Charles looked up as Crystal walked back into the room, with Edwin in tow. “Urm, I mean, Edwin. Sorry.” He cursed himself under his breath. Two seconds in and he was already fucking this up.

“Hello Charles.” He hated the way Edwin said his name as if he was still testing it out on his tongue: still asking if it was something he could get used to. “Crystal tells me you have some field trips planned to try to, what did you say…” He looked to Crystal momentarily “Ah ‘kick start’ my memory. Is that correct?”

“Yes, I do.” Charles nodded quickly, mentally wishing Crystal had given him more time to plan these trips. Oh well, he’d have to wing today and try to plan the rest better. “Now, we’ll have to travel by mirror and you won’t be brills at that, without your memory, so you’ll need to take my hand to help me guide you.”

Charles held out his hand. Please he begged don’t turn me down. He hadn’t told either of the girls about how Edwin reacted to his touch, he didn’t want to speak it aloud for fear of giving it more power than it already held over him. Please, just let me have this. He looked at Edwin again, biting slightly on his lip. Edwin adjusted his gloves slightly and looked unsure, but he placed his hand in Charles’. Charles knew he was beaming, and he couldn’t stop it.

“You boys have fun.” Crystal smiled as they looked back at her. “Me and Niko will keep up the research, I promise.” Charles nodded before steadying himself and focusing on their destination as he stepped forwards, through the mirror.

TRIP ONE: THE BRITISH MUSEUM

The two ghosts stepped awkwardly out of the mirror on the top floor of the museum, the drawback of having the clumsier mirror hopper leading the way. Charles straightened up and reluctantly let go of Edwin’s hand. He looked back at the older boy and was pleased to see a look of wonder cross his face.

“You always loved it here,” Charles smiled. “We spent a long time here when we first met. You wanted to know everything you’d missed, and it seemed like a good place to start.”

“I can certainly understand the appeal.” Edwin nodded, looking around at the brightly lit dome filled with more books than even he could read in his whole afterlife. He walked forward to the banister and leaned forward, looking at the floors of books and artifacts below. People milled about, talking quietly and moving from exhibit to exhibit. Some worked on laptops, and some sat in corners, engrossed in books.

Charles thought fondly of all the hours they’d passed here, when they were first getting to know each other. Edwin had hungrily devoured all the information about the times he’d missed in hell, and Charles had followed him round. Edwin had asked Charles questions about the events he might have lived through or learnt about in school. And Charles had realised quite quickly how little attention he had been paying in history classes. But it was after that, once Edwin was satisfied with his recently acquired information, that Charles had made his favourite memories from their time in this building. Hours of Edwin exploring the older collections and telling Charles of memories from his childhood- correcting facts that had been misreported. Breaks spent reading detective books together, creating the idea for their detective agency.

“Charles, are you quite alright?” Edwin looked back and Charles shook his head, breaking out of his revery.

“Yeah, aces. Just thinking about when we used to come here.” He cleared his throat slightly, trying to ground himself in the present.

“I appreciate that this may be difficult for you,” Edwin said quietly, his brow furrowing. “I know I am not the person you spent that time with, that I am somewhat… lacking.”

“Hey, none of that.” Charles closed the space between them in a step. He pulled his hands back from touching Edwin’s shoulders the way the normally would but just smiled instead, hoping it conveyed everything he needed it to. “You are still you. And any version of you is better than any version of anyone else.”

“That is a very bold claim indeed.” Edwin said, and Charles thought he saw a hint of a smile twist at his lip.

“Well, that’s me. Bold.” Charles grinned. “Now, let’s go look at some proper old shit and criticize historians. You love that.”

Edwin laughed and agreed that he thought he probably would indeed love that. They spent a pleasant morning wandering around the quiet spaces, reading and discussing their findings. Charles could almost feel his friend trying to break back through to him, somewhere below the surface.

“Ooh, archives.” Charles smiled as they reached a closed door on the far side of the building. “Let’s go and have a look what they’ve got in here…” They both walked forwards, entering a darkened room full of aging paper and volumes in glass boxes, sealed off to the public with a rope. “See, the good thing about being a ghost is you can access things the public can’t.” Charles put his hand through the glass, and it was centimeters away from the dusty volume when Edwin shouted.

“Charles no! You can’t touch that, it’s a protected archived volume!” Charles chucked and withdrew his hand.

“That’s exactly what you said the first time I did that.” He grinned.

“Charles.” Edwin’s voice was suddenly cold and Charles blinked, confused. “Were you… testing me? To see if I am still the same?” Charles kicked himself mentally for ruining a perfectly nice day.

“No, mate. Not testing. I was just… remembering you, that’s all.” He smiled again, but even he knew it probably looked a little sad now.

TRIP TWO: SIMPSON’S-IN-THE-STRAND

This one, Charles had to be honest, they could have walked to. It was in the center of London and not too far from the office, hence the reason they visited so frequently. But instead, they appeared out of a mirror placed at the back of the restaurant. Charles had wanted, almost as much as he’d wanted to show this place to Edwin, the opportunity to hold his hand for those few moments again.

“Is this a restaurant? Have you brought a ghost to a restaurant?” Edwin’s tone was so close to his usual combination of incredulity and teasing that Charles heard himself laugh.

“I have. But I swear we’re not here for the roast beef. Although it does smell amazing.” Charles bounded forwards, beckoning Edwin after him. His hand was already missing the contact from Edwin’s, but he tried to push it from his mind. “This is what we’re here for, look.”

Charles stopped in front of a row of tables and chairs, on each a chess board was set up. The majority had couples sitting at them, frowning in thought at the pieces on the board.

“Chess?” Edwin said in surprise. “You play chess?”

“I object to the tone of surprise!” Charles laughed and Edwin looked slightly abashed. “Yes, I do. You taught me- look.”

Charles pointed to the final table in the row, one that was unoccupied and had a sign pinned on the wall behind it. Edwin moved closer to the sign to read it ‘DO NOT USE- HAUNTED CHESS SET’. He looked in confusion between Charles and the chess board, looking for an explanation.

“In our defense, we never meant to let anyone see us play. But once they’d noticed a few times they just kinda… kept it for us.” Charles sat down in a chair. “You play black, I play white. We’ve been playing here since 1992.” Charles thought for a moment and then moved a pawn. He gestured to Edwin to sit down but Edwin shook his head, routed to the spot and looking terrified. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“We’re in the middle of a game.” Edwin said flatly.

“Yeah, and it’s your move.” Charles smiled and gestured again, but Edwin stood resolute.

“We’re in the middle of a game and I do not remember. We’ve been playing here for thirty years, sitting in the same spots and knowing each other’s moves. And I cannot recall a second of it.” Charles swallowed. Suddenly this seemed like so much more than chess.

Charles stood up quickly, looking Edwin square in the eyes. Without breaking eye contact he upended the chess board, sending the pieces flying as people around him screamed.

“Well, let’s start a new game then.” He grinned and bent down to pick up the pieces, repositioning them on the board with Edwin’s help.

TRIP THREE: MILTON COUNTRY PARK

Charles managed to stumble less as he walked out of the mirror in the coffee shop next to the lake. The sun was shining, and he was so excited about this trip. So excited that he forgot to let go of Edwin’s hand as he pulled him forwards, toward the lake. It took him a few moments to realise their hands were still joined and, more importantly, that Edwin wasn’t objecting to it. He tried to hide his smile as he tightened his grip slightly.

“This is one of our favourite places.” Charles sighed as they stopped at the edge of the lake, next to the few tied-up rowing boats. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and there wasn’t another soul in sight. “When we’ve got down time in between cases we sometimes visit here, if the weather’s nice.”

Charles remembered the first time they’d come here, it had been after a nasty case involving a drowning victim and Charles had voiced to Edwin that he was afraid to be near water, after what his supposed friends had done to him. Edwin had gone very quiet for a long time and Charles had worried he’d overshared or overstepped their boundaries. But then the next day Edwin had bought him here, in the beautiful sunshine, and boldly told him that he needed to make positive associations with water instead. And he’d smiled and stepped into a boat and offered Charles his hand. And Charles had followed.

“And what exactly do we do here?” Edwin looked around.

“Well, we usually go out on the lake. In a boat. And I row and you… well, usually you read me some poetry.” Charles was pretty sure that he would be blushing, if that was still an option.

“Poetry?” Edwin repeated.

“Yeah. It started as a bit of a joke but it became sort of a tradition. Because you really like reading and I like to listen to you.” Charles let go of Edwin’s hand to scratch at his face, and to try to reflect Edwin’s gaze which currently felt like it was burning a hole in his skull.

“That sounds… Romantic.” Edwin tried out the word, looking carefully for Charles’ reaction.

“Yeah, urm, I suppose it could be seen that way.” Charles coughed.

“And are we usually… romantic?” Edwin continued and Charles blinked faster than he thought he had ever blinked before: trying to think up an adequate response.

“I don’t know.” Charles said, because it felt the most honest. Then, because it had just occurred to him, he asked: “Have you been talking to Niko?”

“She has been informing me of some recent developments in the changing attitude towards same sex relationships, yes.” Edwin said in a very matter-of-fact tone.

“That’s urm, good. Yeah. So, shall we go on a boat?” After weeks of wanting Edwin to look at him Charles suddenly felt surprisingly uncomfortable under his friend’s watchful eye.

“That sounds as if it would be very pleasant. Although I am afraid I have neglected to bring any volumes of poetry with me.” Edwin smiled a small smile that made Charles’ stomach flip.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got some I’ve learnt by heart because you’ve read them so often.” Charles smiled as he helped Edwin into the boat. They sat opposite each other, and Charles picked up the oars, pulling back and forward in accustomed strokes.

“Well then, do impress me.” It sounded slightly too judgmental still, Edwin still had not been able to locate the warmth he normally carried in his voice when he spoke to him- but Charles appreciated the effort.

“Okay, right. Let me think… This is one you said you learnt at school, you’ve read it loads from your favourite anthology so I should know it all…” Charles cleared his throat, feeling that familiar flare of anxiety inside him.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace.” Charles paused, suddenly unsure. Why, of all the poems Edwin had taught him- had he chosen a love poem? But he looked over at Edwin and his eyes were shining bright, and it felt right to continue. “I love thee to the level of every day’s Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose…” Charles stopped, a lump in his throat. How stupid he’d been to think this would work, that it could bring back the love he’d lost. Edwin sat there and just stared at him in silence for long minutes. Finally, he reached over and took the oars from Charles, their hands brushing as he did.

“With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,” Edwin said as he rowed, completing the final lines of the poem that Charles had been unable to. “Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.”

TRIP FOUR: ST. HILARION’S

“Surely we did not come here.” Edwin said as they approached the old building. He felt himself grip tighter to Charles’ hand as he felt its shadow loom over him. He had hoped beyond hope that he would never have to see this place again. Hoped that that would be one of the only upsides of being dead.

“We did. We do. Sometimes on an anniversary, or sometimes we just need to talk about what happened, with someone else who knows just how shit it was.” He pulled Edwin to the bench that they sometimes sat on. They never went in, but sometimes they just needed to see the place again. To remember it and, most importantly, to remember that they got away. “Do you want to talk about it? Want to tell me what you remember about here, or abut when it happened?” Charles stroked his thumb across Edwin’s knuckles slowly. And Edwin found out that he did want to talk about it, he really did.

“I remember it all, every second, so vividly. The years of misery, of loneliness, of feeling like I was too different, that I was wrong. Then the fear I felt when they dragged me out of bed. I thought they might beat me, I never thought… I had never seen anything like it. A demon. I thought I would die of fright. And now, I think that might have been preferable. The first level of hell was… bad.” Charles sucked in an unnecessary breath. He’d hoped, really hoped, that Edwin would have forgotten. But apparently, he was able to hold on to everything bad and only forgot their time together. How was that fair? “Beyond bad, really. Torture of a kind I cannot even describe. Physical pain and emotional torture. And then I was traded, again and again. Until the worst one. A demon who terrorised me for years, who ripped me apart and… Well. I thought… But clearly…”

“What did you think, mate?” Charles asked in barely more than a whisper.

“I thought I had finally escaped. I thought, must have imagined, that I escaped. It all felt so vivid. I had planned the escape so well in my journal, but I should have known they would never allow it. And then I find myself in the worst level of hell yet. This one, I know, will be the one that breaks me.”

“I… I don’t understand.” Charles looked at Edwin. He remembered seeing him, terrified and alone, as he watched himself be torn apart over and over again. What could possibly be worse than that?

“I did not realise psychological torture could be this bad. But the demons have created this world, a world I would have loved so. A world where I could be who I never thought I would be able to be. And they created these friends, oh how I would have loved friends. And they made the idea of a boy who I play chess with, a boy who listens to me read poetry and who holds my hand so sweetly.” Edwin looked down at their interlocked hands and let a single tear fall. “You are all I ever dreamed of, and they have used it against me. They have created you to torture me for all the things I could never have. All the things I will never have.”

“Oh God.” The reality of his words hit Charles, like a kick from a horse that sent him flying. “You think you’re still in hell.”

“I know I am.” Edwin gasped, and Charles pulled him close, his arms around the other boy as tight as he could manage.

“I promise you’re not, Edwin. I swear I’ll prove to you that this is real.” He held him so tightly he knew he would have hurt them if they were still alive. Edwin sat stilly against him, his arms dangling at his side, but Charles could not find it in him to let go. He felt tears fall down his own face. Finally, he pulled back slightly- ready to apologise for crossing the boundaries of physical touch once again. But as he did he felt Edwin’s hands move to rest lightly on his own back. He sighed and moved his face closer to Edwin’s neck, determined to stay there until the other boy let go.

Chapter Text

It was dark when they finally returned to the office. Niko and Crystal were sat behind the desk, in their usual positions. Books were propped open, notebooks and pens scattered in between them and Starbucks cups taking up any free space. When Edwin gets his memories back, Charles thought ruefully, we are going to have to hope he doesn’t remember the state the girls made of his desk.

“Well, it looks like you two had a good day.” Crystal grinned as she stood up, looking the boys up and down and smiling when she saw their joined hands.

“Yeah, and no.” Charles sighed and beckoned them closer with his free hand. His other was still entwined with Edwin, and he intended to keep it that way until someone forcibly removed it. “Edwin thinks he’s still in hell.” Charles said, quickly and quietly, when the girls were close enough. One quick sentence off, remove the plaster, try to deal with the wound underneath.

“He- he what?” Crystal stammered as Niko stumbled backwards and sat down on the sofa, her hand trembling by her lips as her eyes filled with tears.

“He thinks he’s still trapped in hell, that this is a new level of hell created to torture him.” Charles said in a flat voice. He had spent hours letting tears fall on that bench, learning the depths of Edwin’s pain. Now he felt he could feel no more.

“Shit, that’s… That’s so fucking fucked up.” Crystal almost whispered. She looked at Edwin and he just stood there, resolutely staring ahead. He had agreed to Charles’ suggestion that they should share this information with Niko and Crystal but had confided that he did not have the strength to do it again, that Charles would have to do the talking. “How the fuck can we prove he’s not in hell?” Crystal looked between the two of them, reflecting back the panic Charles was feeling.

“We can’t,” Niko spoke for the first time, her voice taking on that ethereal quality it often had. “It’s like trying to prove you’re not in a dream. Sometimes you wake up, and you think the dream is over, but it carries on. And that’s when you realise that you never know, truly, whether you’re awake or dreaming. Not for one second of your life.”

“Yes, it is exactly like that.” Edwin nodded eagerly, breaking the silence that had consumed him. Charles was filled with a rush of affection for Niko, and the way she often seemed so very much wiser than her years. Then a bigger rush of affection to both of them swept over him, glad he didn’t have to cope with this alone, glad he had this beautiful dysfunctional family around him. “And I cannot comprehend how this could be real, but I wish very much that it could be.”

“Well, we can’t prove that it’s not hell, because anything could be hell.” Crystal stood resolute. “But surely, we can prove that we’re real, that this world is real. We could give you so much information that you’d know that you are actually here. Because there must be millions, maybe billions, of souls in hell and there is no way the demons, or whoever, would have the time to make a comprehensive world for each person, just to torture them.”

“That, that makes sense.” Edwin nodded and Charles felt a small smile pull at his lips.

“Ooh, I’ve got an idea!” Niko squeaked. “We could take it in turns to do ‘Real or Not Real’ like they do with Peeta in Mockingjay. ” She looked around the room expectantly and sighed at the blank looks. “Honestly, why am I the only one who reads any YA? Never mind. What I mean is Edwin could sit with all of us, and he could ask us about something he thinks is true, and we can give him more information- or tell him if it’s not true, and how we know.”

There was a small silence, but everyone nodded. Then Crystal yawned loudly and uncontrollably, and Charles announced that they would start tomorrow. That Crystal and Niko needed to get some sleep. They tried to argue but Charles could see the exhaustion etched around their eyes. He thought selfishly how much he would like to sleep, to turn his brain off for a few hours, but as he shooed them both out of the door and shut it behind them, he knew he needed to fill the time until they returned. Normally he and Edwin found it easy to pass the hours; Edwin would work or read, or they would play games, conversation flowing easily. Sometimes he would lie for hours with his head in Edwin’s lap as he ran fingers through his hair. Charles felt a pang of loss as he craved that physical intimacy that had come from his best friend, his companion of over three decades. Now he felt like he was babysitting, needing to come up with an activity to entertain Edwin.

“Should I… Should I go to my room now?” Edwin asked quietly and Charles felt a sickening kick of guilt to the stomach. Had Edwin somehow inferred his thoughts from his expression? How dare he be so selfish, and not look after the version of Edwin he had right now, beside him? He gripped his hand a little tighter as he swallowed his own anger.

“Nah, not unless you want to.” Charels said, and Edwin shook his head slightly. Charles smiled. “Aces. Well then, we can hang out here. And maybe I could read you some of our favourite stories, if you’d like that?”

“I think I would, rather.” Edwin said softly and Charles felt himself relax slightly. He picked up their version of The Complete Sherlock Holmes and pulled Edwin to the sofa, where he sat next to him. Charles was glad that he could finally repay the kindness Edwin extended to him when they first met, and make him smile through the long night.

It was barely gone 8 in the morning when Niko and Crystal returned, both looking slightly more refreshed for having been forced to sleep for a few hours, but still like they could do with a week off after all this was over. Charles smiled over at them from the same position he had been sat in for hours. If he was still alive, he knew he would be feeling incredibly stiff, his voice would be non-existent and his hand would have lost circulation from the way Edwin clung to it.

“Right, my turn to talk to Edwin now.” Niko bounded in, full of her usual level of enthusiasm. Edwin looked slightly concerned as he saw the way she was pulling Charles up from the sofa.

“It’s ok, mate. I won’t be far. Just going to carry on the research with Crystal, yeah?” Edwin nodded. As he loosened his grip on Charles’ hand, Charles wanted to change his mind, to sit back down and stay with him forever; for the fear he would not get back this part of him once he let go. But Niko was pointing him firmly out of the front door, and he knew she was right. They had to keep trying to find a way out of this situation. So today he would go back and investigate the scene of the accident, again, in the hopes something new would appear to let him find out how to get his best friend back.

And so, Niko sat down opposite Edwin and gave him her best winning smile, and the next few days settled into a familiar pattern; in which they spent a few hours at a time each with Edwin, discussing his ideas and concerns, then the girls would go home, and Charles would sit with Edwin and read to him. It worked quite well because they were all able to answer different questions relating to the world Edwin inhabited. Niko had read all of Edwin’s journals and so was able to talk with confidence about their previous cases and even hell. She spoke quietly and gave him time to process the smallest details.

“Charles said there was an incident with a Cat King. True or not true?”

“Oh, definitely true.” Niko giggled. “I met him too, and he had these sparkling eyes. He kept whisking you away for little chats, and he put a bracelet on you to keep you in Port Townsend. Charles did not like that, he got very jealous.”

“And it is usual to get jealous when your friend is involved with a Cat King. True or not true?” Edwin asked her, chewing the side of his lip as he contemplated this information.

“Hmm. Not always true.” Niko smiled as she tried to think of the words. “But you two weren’t the most usual of friends.”

“Crystal says I was jealous of her and Charles spending time together.” Edwin states.

“Do you want to know if that’s true or not?”

“I believe I can feel that is true” Edwin admits, almost softly.

“Well, you are definitely figuring things out.” Niko beams.

“The spider monster that tormented me in hell was made entirely of dolls. True or not true?”

“True. I have seen your drawings, and Charles has described it to me. It sounds entirely terrifying.” Niko shuddered slightly.

“And this monster is the one who has placed me here?” Edwin furrowed his brow, trying to keep his grip on reality.

“Not true. I have never seen this monster, and I would definitely remember seeing that. It would haunt me for a long time.”

“Hmmm.” Edwin sits in silence for a long time after this, Niko plaits her hair and waits.

“Charles, he loves me. True or not true?” It was a constant theme in each day’s conversations, always the confirmation of this one indisputable fact.

“True. He is your best friend and he spends all his time making sure you are safe, that you are protected. He went to hell and fought off demons to get you back, it was the single most devoted thing I’ve ever seen anyone do. I would like to love someone like that, one day.” Her voice was soft and wistful. Edwin found he wanted to believe it more each time he heard something like this.

“And Charles is in love with me, as more than a friend. True or not true?” Edwin asked, looking down at his hands.

“You know I can’t answer that one, you’ll have to ask him yourself.” Edwin sighed, wishing she’d give him another answer one day.

Crystal had initially worried that she would be unequipped for helping Edwin. She knew little of the shared history the boys had, apart from the few months she had worked with them. But she did know lots about the world Edwin was worried was false, and she knew even more about Charles. And thankfully, Charles was one of the things Edwin wanted the most confirmation about.

“Charles says his favourite foods were spaghetti and ice cream, and that he wishes he could try something called… Wagamama’s? True or not true?”

“True.” Crystal laughed. “When Charles died the cuisine in England had improved significantly since your time of bread and potatoes.” Edwin raised an eyebrow but did not interrupt. “So, he had access to a wider range of food, and apparently particularly liked spaghetti, and his Mum’s dahl. And yes, if we ever manage to get a spell that means you boys can taste food again, we are taking that boy to Wagamama’s. The way he looks at my Ramen is worrying.” Edwin nodded, and made some notes in the book he kept next to him

“Charles is very kind and towards all people. True or not true?” Edwin asked briskly.

“Mostly true. Charles is a bit of a people pleaser, and he likes to be liked. But if someone does something wrong or is a complete shit, Charles will let them know.”

“This is why Charles is kind towards me, because he is a kind person. True or not true?” Crystal looked sharply up at him, something like pity in her eyes.

“Charles is a kind person, true. But what he feels for you… the way he is with you. Well, that’s more than just being kind. It is because of you, and of the relationship you guys have. It can’t be reduced to something as simplistic of that.”

“Charles thinks you are pretty. True or not true?” Edwin asks out of the blue.

“What makes you ask that?” Crystal almost jumps.

“Niko has been reading extracts from my journal. I mentioned that I believed Charles was attracted to you. You are avoiding the question. True or not true?”

“True. Or, at least, it was true. When you wrote it. He probably does still think it, but I don’t think any thoughts like that have crossed his mind in a long time.”

“You are simplifying things to spare my feelings. True or not true?” Edwin was almost smiling.

“Possibly true. But I really think anything related to me or Charles is in the deep past.”

“Because you believe he is in love with me. True or not true?” Edwin keeps pushing.

“I have told you, Edwin. You need to ask Charles if he is-”

“But do you think-?”

“Edwin.” Crystal sighed and Edwin folded his arms. “Talk to Charles.”

The problem was a lot of the questions could only be answered by Charles. They spent an extraordinary amount of time discussing the smallest details from cases, in recalling exactly which date something happened on. With Edwin asking exactly how Charles felt at that time, and why he had felt that way. Charles tried to be as honest as he could, but he found often he didn’t know why things had happened, or how he felt about it now- let alone how he’d thought about it then.

“You decided to stay with me instead of moving on to the afterlife because you felt like you weren’t ready. True or not true?”

“True. Mostly. I was scared, I was 16 and it wasn’t fair that I’d died like that. But, also, I wanted to stay with you. I wanted to have longer to get to know you, because missing out on that didn’t feel fair either.” They sat together, quietly, thinking about this. Charles half wondered if he should have told Edwin these things earlier, before, when he had all of his memories. Wondered if they might have realised they were in love sooner if they had communicated better. He hoped, more and more each day, that one day they could revisit these conversations.

“You find it difficult that I am not good with other people. True or not true?” Edwin’s head was tilted to the side slightly and Charles had to fight the urge to smile.

“Not true. Yeah, sometimes I get a bit exasperated when you snap at a client but mostly it’s just cute, and I wouldn’t change anything about that.” Charles grinned.

“It is… cute?” Edwin repeated, his eyebrow crooked and a teasing smile forming on his lips.

“I said what I said, I’m not taking it back.” Charles smiled, and was rewarded with a laugh from Edwin in return.

Then, finally, one day, Edwin managed to find the courage to ask what he’d needed to ask for so long.

“You love me.” He let out a big shaking breath. “True or not true?”

“True, you know that.” Charles squeezed his hand hard.

“And you are… Are you in love with me?” Edwin stuttered.

“Ask me properly.” Charles smiled softly. Edwin looked confused for a minute but then understood.

“You are in love with me. True or not true?” Edwin searched his face, looking for a reaction before the words came.

“True.” He smiled a sad smile, wishing there had been another way to tell him. A way that he deserved. But what Edwin deserved more than romance, more than grand gestures, was to know how deeply he was loved. “But I never told you, and I’m sorry.”

“And I love you, and I am in love with you. True or not true?” Charles felt his heart crumple in his chest. Once, Edwin had been so sure. He had stopped when there was no time, when he had to escape hell, because he was so fucking sure that he was in love with Charles, that he’d had to tell him that very second.

“You said you were, yeah.” He managed to croak. He closed his eyes and tried to remember his breathing. He did not need to breathe, he knew that logically, but sometimes it helped stop the spiraling panic. And he often heard Edwin’s voice coaching him through the breaths.

“Well, I am sure I would not lie about that.” Edwin touched Charles lightly on the shoulder and Charles’ eyes flew open, looking intently at his face.

“Right. Okay. Right. Yeah.” Charles breathed quickly. “I’m going to try something. And I’m sorry. And I will apologise again properly when you get your memory back, okay?”

Before Edwin could do anything but blink Charles had lent forward and pushed his lips against Edwin’s. It was the briefest of brushes, a graze together for a second, but Charles felt like it was a match being stuck against a box. He felt the heat of that second and it consumed him.

“Did it work?” He asked, his face inches away from Edwin’s and his eyes still closed.

“Work? I don’t understand.” Edwin was perplexed. When Charles opened his eyes he saw the way Edwin held his fingers to his lips, but he did not see the spark of adoration back in his eye. Charles groaned.

“God, I’m sorry. That was so fucking stupid. I just thought, it was one thing we hadn’t tried. Y’know, in the fairytales sometimes if you kiss it fixes everything and I thought maybe, because I’d said I loved you it might. Oh shit, I’m really sorry.”

“I think you should try it again.” Edwin breathed softly.

“No, it didn’t work. Y’know if it was a true love’s kiss thing, it would just restore your memory straight away and-”

“I think you should try it again.” Edwin repeatedly softly. “I said what I said, and I’m not taking it back.” Edwin smiled then, and it was the smile he used to smile when they were alone together, when everything was safe and content.

Charles stared at him for a moment, processing. There were many things he was unsure of in this life but he knew, without a doubt, that if any version of Edwin asked to kiss any version of him; the answer would always be yes. An enthusiastic, unequivocal yes. So he did. He covered his lips again, and, God, this felt like something he should have spent his entire life doing. He kissed him slowly, softly, and tried to pour in every ounce of love he felt. When he felt Edwin put his hand in his hair to pull him closer Charles remembered what Niko had said about never being sure if something was a dream. And he was suddenly so glad ghosts didn't dream, because if anyone took this moment away from him, he wouldn't be able to carry on.

Chapter Text

Charles could feel the air around him vibrating as he paced back and forwards in the small kitchen. He felt like he might explode, and the only thing holding him back from doing so was the fear of the damage he would do to others if he did, more damage than he had already done. Because that was what he did, wasn’t it? He damaged people. He hurt people. The most recent example of this, and the reason he was pacing relentlessly, had been kissing Edwin. How could he have been so selfish? How could he have done that to him?

Edwin barely knew him, Edwin didn’t love him. And yet he’d taken a kiss from him; stolen it, made him think that he wanted him. He should be the only person Edwin could trust right now and he was making a fucking move on him. When he wasn’t in his right mind, when he couldn’t say yes with conviction. Charles wondered, not for the first time in his life, just what the fuck was wrong with him. Had his Dad done irrevocable damage to him? Or was it just that he was destined to become a monster, yet another one in the family? The only thing stopping him screaming these questions to the God who had long since deserted him, was the fact that Edwin was sitting quietly and reading in his room. He would not do any more damage to him. He would try to hide who he truly was, just for a bit longer. Because his biggest fear would always be Edwin seeing him for exactly what he truly was. And what he was, well, it was unforgivable.

“Charles!” Niko’s squeal pierced the air, making Charles jump and turn towards her voice. She sat at the desk that, for so long, had been Edwin’s. “Charles, come here. I’ve found it!”

“What have you found?” Charles almost ran forward, trying to outrun his feelings of failure and anxiety.

“I found the door, the cupboard, the thing that took Edwin’s memory! It was in this really old book, and it said the only known one in existence is in that witch’s house. It actually has a picture of the house and everything.” Niko was practically jumping up and down as she held the book out to Charles. Charles took it and scanned it quickly, his eyes taking in the picture of the outside of the house, and another one of the door that had messed up his life so entirely. The writing was tiny and cramped, and the words felt like they floated in his urge to read them.

“What does it say, Niko?” Charles asked, unable to keep his focus and retain the words in front of him.

“Well, it says the house holds the only known acting enchantment of the forget-me-not curse. The curse was made by the witch who owned the house originally. She died and haunted the house for, like, a hundred years, and was so consumed with regret about the way that she had spent her afterlife that she created this curse to wipe out the memory of anything that happens to a spirit after death. She hoped it would allow her a clean slate, to be able to forget and move on without fear of how her spirit would be judged in the afterlife.”

“And what about undoing it? Does it say how we can get rid of it?” Charles passed the book back to Niko, his eyes raking over her face for any sign of what she was going to say.

“Yes, it does.” Niko beamed and Charles released a breath shakily. “She left a letter behind, which this author found, and it said that in order to reverse the curse, the person just has to open the door again, but that they have to do it with the same intention as the initial time.” Niko looked up at Charles, but he just continued to look confused. “So, they give an example. Say if you opened the door initially with feelings of happiness that you were going to finally be free from your memories, you would have to be feeling happy about getting them back the second time. Or if you were angry about your life the first time, you would have to be angry still when you opened it again.”

“Right.” Charles said, feeling as if he’d swallowed a stone that plummeted through his stomach. “So, we can just keep trying different emotions and get Edwin to open the door, yeah?”

“Well, not exactly.” Niko said apologetically. “This witch wanted to make sure that these memories were only restored if the person really wanted it, if they were in the same mental state. So, you only get one chance.”

“What happens after the one chance though?” Charles felt his voice crack slightly.

“It says the memories are gone, never to be found again.” Niko matched his pitch and bit her lip, as if wanting to recapture the words that had escaped. “But it’s okay, because you were there when it happened, so you know exactly what kind of intention Edwin had when he first opened the door.” She added quickly, a flickering smile back on her face.

“Yeah. Yeah, course I do. Aces.” Charles tried to remember how to arrange his face into a smile, tried to hide the darkness that was closing around him. Because he knew exactly the intention that Edwin had had when he had opened that door. He had wanted to protect his best friend. He had stepped into danger to protect the person he loved most in the world. He had sacrificed everything, without a second thought. He had opened it with desperation, with devotion, with an all-consuming love. And all of those feelings were gone, and there was no way to get them back. All Edwin felt for him now was maybe some gratitude, curiosity, a small spark of something that could be friendship. But it would never be what it was. And he could never let Edwin risk opening that door, not when he might lose his memories permanently.

“Shall I go and get Edwin ready then?” Niko grinned, apparently unaware of all that was happening behind that forced smile.

“Yeah, deffo, brills. But maybe give me, like ten minutes before you tell him? I just need to get a plan in place.” He smiled and Niko nodded, smiling. Charles almost felt bad for the deception, for lying to someone as trusting as Niko, but it was necessary.

“Hey, Charles. Are you ready? Edwin’s all caught up to speed, so we just need to know…” Niko trailed off, scanning the office for Charles, but not seeing him anywhere. “Charles?”

“Niko, look.” Edwin stepped swiftly forward and grabbed an envelope that was cellotaped to the inside of the front door. He passed it to Niko, as it had her name scrawled on it.

“Charles. Oh no.” Niko whispered, as she recognized his handwriting and ripped the envelope open- mirroring the panic that tore through her. Quickly she scanned the short letter written in Charles’ messy handwriting.

Niko,
I’m really sorry, but I’ve had to go alone. It would never work, getting Edwin’s memories back that way. The person he was when he opened that door is someone he cannot be forced to be right now, and someone he might never be again. That was our only shot at fixing what has happened to him, and I can’t bear to be without him forever. So I’ve decided I’m going to open the door myself, wipe my memories. If you and Crystal come and get me after, you can bring me back to the office, and introduce me to Edwin. We can start over, both of us, fresh start. I won’t miss what I never knew I had.
Please, if anything goes wrong. Look after Edwin. I love him.
I love you and Crystal too, please explain it to her. I’ll see you soon.
Charles xx

Edwin read the letter over Niko’s shoulder. If he had breath left, it would have been knocked out of him. If he had blood pumping round his body, it would have drained from his face. As it was, none of those things happened. Instead, it felt like a ringing in his ears spread through the rest of him, and somehow permeated into the air around him. He was vaguely aware that Niko was shouting at him, that she tried to grab his arm, but he was moving. He was running, like he had no recollection of running since hell. He was heading for the mirror, with no recall of how to travel through mirrors without Charles but with his name pumping through his mind like his non-existent heartbeat. Nothing mattered, if he didn’t get there. If he didn’t get to Charles. If he didn’t stop him. He closed his eyes as he moved through the mirror, thinking only of the man who had shown him more kindness that he knew humanly possible; the man who held everything he ever wanted and was just about to throw it away.

“Charles!” Edwin shouted as he landed, stumbling, in a dimly lit hallway. “Charles, where are you?” Edwin shouted again. Don’t let me be too late, don’t let me lose him. Fear pumped through his muscles as he moved from room to room. Then he heard a noise, somewhere in front of him; and he sprinted towards it. There were no other thoughts, no room for doubts.

As Edwin turned the corner quickly, he found himself looking at Charles. Charles was reaching forwards, towards a door with markings he did not recognise carved over it. Edwin knew, from what he had read and been told, what would happen if Charles opened that door, what he would lose.

“Charles, no! Don’t!” Edwin shouted, and Charles turned to look at him- his hand already on the handle, the door already opened a crack. Edwin covered the few steps between them and knocked Charles to the floor as if he was a rag doll. And Edwin took the full force of the beam of light in the chest.

Edwin’s arms extended out and up beside him, as he was bathed in bright white light. Charles looked up at him from where he lay on the floor. Edwin’s head was thrown back and as he looked heavenward, Charles thought how much he looked like an angel. That was when the tears started to fall down Charles’ face, fast and free.

“Charles.” Edwin gasped, staggering backwards as the beam of light diminished. Edwin fell to his knees where Charles was crying. “Charles, what is wrong? Did you get hurt?”

“No, it’s just…” Charles tried to talk, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket as tears continued to fall. “It’s just I’ve lost you now, your memories, that was the only chance-”

“Charles, I remember.” Edwin said softly, his hands on Charles’ shoulders.

“No, I know you still remember all the stuff we’ve done.” Charles couldn’t help the tears that were falling. He wished he had privacy to mourn his oldest friend, wished he could stop himself wondering what might have been. “It’s just this was the only way we could have got back your memories from your afterlife. And it was kind of a one-shot thing so-”

“No Charles, you’re not listening.” Edwin smiled softly, running a thumb over his cheek to catch a tear that was rolling down. “I remember how you looked when I found you in the attic, I remember the way you were too impatient for wait for me to tell you how I was in love with you on the steps of hell, I remember the way you look when you’re dancing with your Walkman on, I remember the way your hair feels when I run my fingers through it, I remember how you tuck your head into my neck when you hug me. I remember you. All of you.” And he was grinning, really beaming and Charles did not understand.

“But that would mean, that when you stepped in front of the light for me- you did it because you loved me, you wanted to protect me, but you didn’t remember me properly.”

“Oh Charles, you do not understand, do you? There is no version of me that does not love you, that would not do anything for you. You are everything to me. Even when I knew nothing, I felt that. And I was so afraid it could not be true, that I did not deserve it. But you helped me believe.”

“Oh God.” Charles sat up on his knees and they were facing each other, as if about to pray. “You remember.”

“I remember.” Edwin repeated.

“Oh shit, and I kissed you.” Charles gasped, covering his mouth with his hands. “I’m so, so, sorry mate. I shouldn’t have done that, I never-”

“As I recall, I asked you to.” Edwin said, his eyes flickering away coyly.

“Yeah, I mean, the second time. But you didn’t know what you wanted and-”

“Charles, do you think I could ever be someone who does not know exactly what he wants?”

“I... urm… No?” Charles answered hesitantly.

“Good.” Edwin smiled and he lent forwards, joining their lips for a moment. A sweet interlude, a promise of what was to come. “Now I believe we need to take you back to apologise to Niko. She will be, as you might say, having kittens.”

“No but-” Charles stammered. Unable to move forward, to process this turn of events. The idea that he had Edwin back, all of him, forever. “I love you.” He blurted it out. “I’m in love with you, and I never told you and I’m so, so sorry.”

“Charles,” Edwin said sternly. “I know. You do not need to be sorry for anything, ever. You have always been the best person I know, but the way you have taken care of me, the love you have shown me when I was the very worst parts of myself… Well, you need not have told me you were in love with me, because I could have seen it. I did. And I felt it. That was all that stopped me falling apart when I thought I was in hell. You saved me, again. You saved me from the hell I was dragged to, and the hell I was trapped in inside my mind. You have truly saved me in every way a person can be saved, and I will spend the rest of my existence thanking you for it.”

“Fuck.” Was all Charles could say, as tears started to fall again. He moved forwards, crashing his lips against Edwin’s with a desperation that could not wait. Charles laced his fingers through Edwin’s hair, as his other hand flattened against his back and brought them even closer. His tongue chased away the startled noises Edwin made, and replaced them with soft moans.

“Charles,” Edwin gasped into his mouth. “We must go… Niko.”

“Just give me, like five more minutes.” Charles kissed the corner of Edwin’s mouth where a smile bloomed.

“Fine, but just five minutes.” Edwin agreed with a mock stern expression that Charles laughed at before kissing away. Because now, they had forever again, and five minutes was nothing.