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Kinloch Hold can be a lonely place despite all the people within it. Sometimes Anders thinks it being so heavily populated just makes it more lonely; with no one to recognize your face in a crowd or to know your name, it’s easy to lose sight of yourself, to become just another statistic in a sea of other mages just like you. It’s why Anders always preferred standing out.
He still remembers when he first arrived at Kinloch Hold as a boy no older than twelve, escorted in by templars in full armor. They’d tried to make him talk, to tell them his name, his story, everything, but he’d refused. He’d kept his mouth shut and his eyes down.
Even then, he hated this place.
Which was exactly why he’d escaped for the first time, just trying to go home. To see his mother again. To get out of this prison.
It’s why he escaped the next time too. And the next. There’d been nothing keeping him in this place.
Not until he met Karl.
Karl is handsome and intelligent and one of the brightest people Anders has ever known. He’s quiet unless he’s laughing at Anders’ jokes, in which case he can’t seem to keep his voice down. He’s charming and he’s brilliant and he’s perfect.
And he loves Anders. He may be the only person who does.
It’s storming outside of the tower when Anders sneaks out of the apprentice quarters in the dead of night. He slips down the hall, avoiding the templars at their posts the way he knows how to by heart. He’s used to sneaking around the tower after years of doing exactly that, going undetected even by the most vigilant of the templars.
It used to be easier, when he and Karl were both still apprentices. All Anders needed to do would be to get out of his bed and into Karl’s own, but there wasn’t much privacy in the apprentice dorms. So Anders made a habit of scoping out the best places to hide without being caught in the night so he and Karl could sneak away for a moment of privacy. He’s not the only mage to do so — far from it — but he likes to think he’s especially good at it.
Now that Karl has passed his Harrowing and been moved out of the apprentice dorms, it’s harder to sneak in to see him. But Anders has never let something like a challenge stop him.
“Karl!” He whispers as he crawls onto Karl’s bed, keeping his voice low. “Karl, wake up.” He shakes him until his eyes open.
“Huh?” Karl blinks blearily at him, rubbing his eyes before propping himself up on his arms. “Anders? You can’t be here.”
“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” Anders grins at Karl, proud of his infiltration. The grin quickly slips from his face as he recalls why he came here in the first place. “Karl, we have to talk.”
“About what?” Karl is clearly still half-asleep, but he still looks at Anders with that fond endearment Anders has grown used to over the years. That look full of love and admiration that makes Anders feel all warm inside.
“I overheard some of the templars talking–”
“Overheard or eavesdropped on?” Karl asks with a hint of amusement in his tone.
“Alright, fine. I was eavesdropping on some of the templars and–”
“That’s a nasty habit, Anders,” Karl chides playfully. “It’ll get you into trouble one day.”
“Karl, will you listen?” Anders snaps. “What I’m trying to tell you is that they’re planning on sending you away from Kinloch Hold. They’re going to send you to Kirkwall!”
Karl’s face falls, but not enough for this to be a huge revelation.
“...you knew.” Anders recoils, his heart beating wildly inside of his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Karl reaches out even as Anders retreats, cupping his freckled cheek in his large hand. “I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Of course I’m worried!” Anders can’t believe Karl would hide this from him, even after everything they’ve shared. “I’ve heard of what they do to mages at the Gallows. It’s horrible.”
The rumors are horrifying. Stories of mages being made Tranquil at the slightest offense, of mages being tortured for stepping out of line. There have been a few mages at Kinloch Hold over the years who have transferred from the Gallows who say that the Gallows make Kinloch Hold look like a paradise. Anders can’t imagine how bad a place must be for people to speak so highly about Kinloch Hold.
Karl smiles sadly. “I know, but I’ll be fine. I’m stronger than I look, you know.”
“Karl, this is serious.”
Anders doesn’t know what he’ll do if the templars succeed in taking Karl away from him. For so long, Karl has been his everything: the only one to understand him, to know how to sooth him during his days of depression and the only one able to stop him from doing stupid things during his days of elevated moods. He’s the only person to love him, to care for him, to know him at all.
“I need you,” Anders says, sounding even to his own ears like a pitiful child. “You’re the one good thing about this place. You– you’re the reason I keep holding on.”
In his darkest moments, Anders would think about how miserable his life is, how much he hates it, how no one would notice or mourn his death if he were to finally end it all. He’d stare out the window and contemplate a suicide that would make all the templars regret their treatment of mages and force them all to lay down their weapons and vow to never take another mage from their family again.
Then Karl would come to him and make him see sense. He’d tell him that he loves him and that he’d miss him if he were gone. He’d promise to protect him from the templars and point out that the templars simply aren’t worth Anders’ life, that they don’t deserve to be the reason he’s gone from the world.
Without Karl, who would talk Anders down? Who would know the right words to say when Anders get too trapped in his own head?
Karl’s eyes find Anders’ in the dark and Anders wishes he could know what the other man is thinking. There’s a lot hiding just beyond the surface of Karl’s eyes: love, despair, fear, and so much that Anders can’t read.
“Don’t say that, Anders,” Karl begs. “Even if they send me away, I’ll still write you. I’ll still love you.”
Tears spring into Anders’ eyes without his permission and he wraps his arms around Karl, tugging him into a tight embrace. “I can’t lose you. I won’t. If the send you away, I’ll escape again. I’ve escaped four times before. I’ll do it again.”
Karl returns the embrace so quickly it’s like breathing, holding Anders’ smaller frame against his own. “Anders, you can’t. It’s dangerous.”
“Why? Because I might be caught?” Anders shakes his head before burying his face in Karl’s neck. “I don’t care. The only reason I haven’t left this place again is because you’re here. If they take you from me, I’ll have no reason to stay.”
Karl sighs like he disapproves, but he holds Anders just as tightly as Anders holds him. He’s just as afraid of letting go as his lover is and they both know it. “I don’t want you getting hurt because of me.”
“Nothing could hurt worse than you leaving.”
Karl presses a kiss to Anders’ head. “Maybe they won’t even send me,” he suggests. “I’m not the only mage being considered.”
Anders wipes his teary eyes on Karl’s shoulder. “Maybe,” he says pitifully, but he doesn’t believe his own attempt at hope.
The two mages hold each other as the storm outside rages on. They fall asleep still wrapped in each other and they’re reprimanded in the morning for Anders sneaking out of his dorm to be with Karl. A week later, Anders is called for his Harrowing, which he passes with flying colors.
Two days afterwards, Karl is transferred to the Gallows.
It takes less than a month for Anders to escape, only to be caught attempting to buy passage to Kirkwall. He’s dragged back to Kinloch Hold kicking and screaming, tears streaming down his face as he fights the templars who physically drag him back through the doors.
Anders hates Kinloch Hold, has always hated Kinloch Hold. But he never knew it could be so lonely until he had company and lost it.