Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

01:59 AM

Reeeeid: hear me out

What if I got like my 10th piercing

Tech Queen: You 

You have 9 piercings-

Reeeeid: Yes????

I just don't wear the jewelry half the time or hide them with my hair

I'm a fucking agent Pen

I HAVE TO BE SERIOUS

Cat lady: Then why do you text like a drunk teenager

Reeeeid: HOW THE FUCK

WOULD YOU KNOW

WHAT A DRUNK TEENAGER 

TEXT LIKE

Team dad: I really need to stop the notifications here

Reeeeid: HI HOTCH

Team dad: Who gave you sugar?

Reeeeid: mama ain't raise no snitch

Papa pasta: You're literally fucking adopted Spencer 

Reeeeid: .

Rossi ain't raise no snitch 

Papa pasta: that's my girl

Team dad: Oh dear lord

Agent Barbie: god has forsaken us

Reeeeid: God wouldn't be able to save me from my demons

God said I had to be a human encyclopedia

Yet I talk like a whore

Moooorgan: I beg your finest pardon 

Reeeeid: Beg then

Moooorgan: we talked about this

Reeeeid: And

I don't give a fuck

Take your shirt off and let me enjoy the view 

Tech queen: DO IT

Moooorgan: DONT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND-

Tech queen: hey Em can I let the Pansexual urges take over for a sec

Cat lady: Yeah

Tech queen: I'm cleared 

Moooorgan: what the fuck

Reeeeid: IMAGINE

I should get a girlfriend 

Moooorgan: Then what about me T^T

Reeeeid: Ah damn

Guess you gotta be single

Agent Barbie: AGDIDHRIDHEKEHRJRH

Papa pasta: Derek Morgan 

Are you daiting my daughter?

Moooorgan: I mean

Yeah

But like

It's been 3 years-

Tech queen: SIR WHAT 

Reeeeid: I'm 28

Is it so wrong to believe I date?

Team dad: did we even know you when you were 25?

Reeeid: YOU WITNESSED MY 24TH BIRTHDAY 

WE SOLVED A MURDER ON IT

Agent Barbie: we put her in a funny hat

Reeeeid: YEAH

Moooorgan: mmhn 

He has other shit to worry about 

Reeeeid: same 

Like how my dad is possibly having a heart attack that we're dating 

Tech queen: damn yall gonna kill Rossi 

Reeeeid: update he's yelling in Italian on the phone

Also

The worse thing I've ever done is sleep out of wedlock thank you very much

Don't worry about me when you're fucking STRAUS 

Agent Barbie: the gasp I just gasped 

Tech queen: YOU SPEAK TO YOUR FATHER LIKE THIS-

Cat lady: I think you spelled that wrong

Reeeeid: AND

Moooorgan: Nah that's crazy 

How you gonna call your dad out like that lmao

Reeeeid: Look I'm a grown woman

I do what I fucking want

Hence Derek

Tech queen: LMAO

Moooorgan: EXCUZE ME

Reeeeid: LISTEN

JUST

LEMME HAVE THIS 

Team dad: back to how y'all are sleeping together and in a relationship 

Reeeeid: I mean

We almost dated sooner but I'm socially awkward 

This man asked me what i was into

And I literally just fucking word for word told him a page of a book about fucking worm holes

Tech queen: He's trying to match your freak and you were talking about SPACE???

Reeeeid: I mean it worked

So

Cat lady: You got a man by talking about space like a nerd

Reeeeid: it helps that he thinks I'm pretty and plays connect the dots with my freckles while I judge the lore of lord of the rings

Agent Barbie: damn Spence has it made lol

Moooorgan: I try my best

Tech queen: then marry her

Moooorgan: bet

Spencer what are your thoughts on marriage 

Reeeeid: I'd marry you with a ring pop right this second

Moooorgan: jesus christ 

Cat lady: DEREK QUICK SHES THE ONE

THE ONE

Moooorgan: IM TRYING BUT I GOT NOTHINH AGAINST THE RING POP EM

Cat lady: OML

Team dad: for starters say yes

Agent Barbie: LMAO

Papa pasta: Why did I come back to THIS

Moooorgan: Rossi please

Please lemme marry your daughter 

Papa pasta: yeah no

Not happening 

Reeeeid: too bad imma marry that idiot

Papa pasta: SPENCER REID ROSSI

Reeeeid: present

Agent Barbie: Your initials are SRR?

Reeeeid: I'm so glad no one knows my middle name

Moooorgan: Mission marry spencer to find out her middle name is a go

Spencer: I'm so not coming over now

Moooorgan: NO BABY PLEASE

IM SORRY

Agent Barbie: AGSODHDJSHDHDHDHD DEREK 

Moooorgan: Nah we just had a case I need cuddles I'll admit it

No shame

Reeeeid: imagine

Wait I don't need to 

Cat lady: She's got him WHIPPED

Tech queen: I'm pretty sure Spencer has baby child privileges 

Team dad: yeah she does

But we don't talk about that

Papa pasta: I neither confirm nor deny spoiling her against her will

Tech queen: noted

Cat lady: Lmao

Chapter Text

03:25 AM

Reeeid: is koolaid man just the drink or the whole thing

Cat lady: Only a cis woman would ask that

Reeeeid: Emily please

I'm on the verge of sensory overload

This room smells weird

And it's too late for coffee

What is koolaid man

Moooorgan: the pitcher is the body so the koolaid is like his blood???

I guess???

You're the genius here Spence

Reeeeid: and that was a bad decision 

Team dad: I really need to figure out how to turn off the notifications here

Papa pasta: its 3 am and yall are talking about the anatomy of a fictional character made for kids to enjoy a type of juice?

Agent Barbie: you got a better topic?

Papa pasta: yeah

SLEEP

Reeeeid: sleep is for people who don't solve murders

Ya know I had to pay like 20 dollars for pads once

Tech queen: ROBBERY

Agent Barbie: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU FIND PADS THAT COST 20 BUCKS

Reeeeid: Blame states and taxes

I just wanna deal with biological bullshit in peace

Why i gotta pay so much

Tech queen: the same reason why they like make deodorant for down there

Reeeeid: I beg your pardon

Agent Barbie: can

Can you 

Can you even put anything down there

Cat lady: I mean yall use soap right

Reeeid: As long as the soap doesn't go in

Ya know

Cat lady: ....

O k 

Reeeeid: y e a h

Moooorgan: I'm so confused 

Agent Barbie: don't worry about it

Moooorgan: I

Ok

I guess

Reeeeid: think about red and black

Moooorgan: .

WHY DID THAT WORK

Reeeeid: cause you're a Simp 

Tech queen: ooooo

I think I get it now

Reeeeid: SHUSH 

Agent Barbie: me remembering that we found out Spence had a tattoo because some dude stalked her

Reeeeid: I still haven't unboarded that window

Tech queen: Keep it

Who needs all the windows

Team dad: wait 

Spencer has a tattoo?

Reeeeid: I have a rather demonic looking tramp stamp ok

I was 22

Shit happens

Moooorgan: I've seen it

It's cool

You definitely had to have been drunk when you got it though

Reeeeid: ah yes back during my alt girl phase 

I was so cool for being a nerd

I was hot

But all I did was hang out in the library 

Agent Barbie: fair enough 

Tech queen: How much did the tattoo cost?

Reeeeid: 100

Cat lady: YOU PAID

1 0 0

FOR A DAMN TRAMP STAMP

Reeeeid: BUT ITS HOT EM

LOOK THE DAY I FINALLY WEAR A BIKINI YOU'LL AGREE WITH ME

Cat lady: will I  Spencer 

Will I 

Tech queen: No because that's the only time we'd see it

Agent Barbie: We could also see what happens when she wears all her piercings in an airport

Reeeeid: ruuuuuude

Papa pasta: the knowledge of that tattoo nearly put me in cardiac arrest 

Reeeeid: I'm so sorry dad

You don't deserve this 

But I already have it lol

Moooorgan: WOOOOOOW

Tech queen: AHSKDGSISHSJ

15:19 PM

Reeeeid: Kids are fucking bullshit

Agent Barbie: good afternoon to you too Spencer 

Reeeeid: Never make me interrogate teenagers ever again

One of them literally stared at my boobs the whole time

Papa pasta: yeah teenage boys are known for their moments 

Reeeeid: ugh

This is awful because I can't make it sound better

Because when I was a teenager girl i was around adult men

Team dad: .

Yeah no

Ok

Spencer 

Reeeeid: Present

Team dad: what the fuck

Reeeeid: being a Genius isn't all it's made out to be

But it got me a hot boyfriend so

Moooorgan: you're welcome?

Reeeeid: :>

Tech queen: I'm still mad about how you hid it from me for so long

Reeeeid: I literally talk with you about so much shit it never crossed my mind to be like "oh hey I'm sleeping with Derek"

Then again you were aware I wasn't a virgin nerd anymore because of that pregnancy scare

Moooorgan: I'm sorry

THE WHAT

Reeeeid: oh please this was 2 years, 7 months, and 4 days ago

Moooorgan: HUH

Tech queen: that's like my favorite Spencer conversation just

"Hey I'm late"

"Are you pregnant?"

"Shit I might be"

Cat lady: I CAN'T 

Agent Barbie: I

I'm sorry just

Why is her response so funny 

Reeeeid: I had like an epiphany 

Like I was making casual conversation while doing case stuff and it hit me

Papa pasta: for fucks sake

Reeeeid: look literally a day after a negative test my period came

So

Team dad: I fear for the day you actually Reproduce 

Reeeeid: birth control and condoms haven't failed me yet

Cat lady: screenshoting this to look back to if Spencer ever says shes pregnant 

Reeeeid: ruuuuuuude

Moooorgan: that's not happening 

Spencer's too young to parent

Reeeeid: I'm 28

Moooorgan: too young

Reeeeid: I

Ok?

But then again I said kids are bullshit so

Agent Barbie: I FUCKING CAN'T EVEN

Team dad: I'm usually not religious 

But

Reeeeid: NOT THE BUT 

Papa pasta: here lemme just

Derek

Moooorgan: Rossi

Papa pasta: if you get my daughter pregnant I'm going to kill you and bury you with the same shovel 

Moooorgan: I

O k 

Noted

Cat lady: AHDIDHSKAJDNDBDHDJSJ

Tech queen: literal shovel talk

Reeeeid: Dad don't kill my boyfriend 

Lemme marry him first

Papa pasta: Denied 

Reeeeid: BRO

Team dad: You call your father bro

Reeeeid: did we miss the part when I cussed him out that one time

Agent Barbie: that was like an acid trip honestly

No offense 

Reeeeid: why would I be offended I didn't do acid

Moooorgan: oh good lord

Reeeeid: WHAT I DIDNT

Cat lady: AHDHDKSHDKDHDKDKSKSJDKDKDNDJDJ

Tech queen: cause it's a joke about drugs and being high????

Reeeeid: oh

O h

Oh my God is this how people feel when I start talking about random facts?

Moooorgan: eh

A little bit

Agent Barbie: spence it's ok 

We all have our moments

Tech queen: Yeah

Like remember when Derek wouldn't do what you asked that one time so you put a sticky note on his head

Reeeeid: I still do that

Moooorgan: s t o p

Reeeeid: nope

Moooorgan: Fair enough

Now Rossi 

Lemme marry her

Papa pasta: no

Moooorgan: bruh

Please

Papa pasta: N o

Moooorgan: .

Hotch can I marry your metaphorical daughter 

Papa pasta: what

Team dad: go ahead

Papa pasta: AARON NO

Moooorgan: BET

Spencer wanna get married

Reeeeid: I'm tired can we do it later

Moooorgan: of course 

Reeeeid: cool

Then yeah

Moooorgan: YEAHHHHHHHHH

LETS GO

Tech queen: WAIT IS THIS REAL

Reeeeid: WAIT WAS IT

Agent Barbie: AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cat lady: OML

SPENCER WTF

Reeeeid: IM LIKE HALF ASLEEP IM SORRY T^T

Team dad: the sigh that left my soul

Agent Barbie: You have a soul?

Team dad: .

You're fired

Agent Barbie: WOT

Moooorgan: LMAO

Cat lady: OMG JJ NO

Reeeeid: oh shit

Tech queen: WAIT HE CAN DO THAT IN THE GROUP CHAT????

Papa pasta: why is that your first question-

Reeeeid: AUDISJAKDUROAJDKDKDKSSK

Chapter Text

16:10 PM

Reeeeid: remember when Emily died

Cat lady: spencer please

Don't do this to me

Again

Tech queen: aAHDIDHDOEHEKEJEKDKEKEJD

Agent Barbie: Spencer Reid

Number one grudge holder

Reeeeid: shhhh

I'm technically not supposed to be here

Team dad: THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Reeeeid: I miss y'all 

Tech queen: Aw my little baby genius 

Reeeeid: save me Pen I'm bored

Moooorgan: SPENCER 

GET OFF THE PHONE

Reeeeid: NO

Moooorgan: YOU FUCKING PASSED OUT IN A POLICE STATION GO TO BED

Reeeeid: NO

Papa pasta: Spencer Reid

Reeeeid: Don't even

Papa pasta: I will say your middle name

Reeeeid: .

Fine

Team dad: Wait a minute 

You passed out in the station today?

Reeeeid: no

Maybe

Ok yeah 

But the hotel room is boring can I at least pin shit on a map

Agent Barbie: you passed out

Didn't see a doctor 

A medical doctor 

And you wanna work?!

Reeeeid: maybe

Cat lady: you are whole other level of backwards Reid 

Reeeeid: thank you

14:55 PM

Reeeeid: AARON HOTCHNER

UNBENCH ME NOW

Team dad: who the fuck is you using capital letters at

Reeeeid: LET ME WORK

Team dad: Go see a doctor to see why you passed out yesterday

Then come yell at me

Reeeeid: BRO WHAT

IM FINE

Papa pasta: I will use your birth certificate name

Reeeeid:  We said to never speak about that

Moooorgan: Wait

Your given name wasn't Spencer-

Reeeeid: I'm sure we've discussed this before

We have

We did

And we had a case where I almost died that caused this to come up again

And we agreed

NOT TO DISCUSS IT

Cat lady: LMAO

Agent Barbie: Spence just see the doctor 

They'll most likely tell you you're sleep deprived or dehydrated 

Tech queen: oh I get it now 

Reid doesn't like needles remember 

Moooorgan: Reid also had anthrax poisoning 

Bullet to the knee

A concussion 

Many levels of traumatization 

Cat lady: that one time a cane hit her in the face

Reeeeid: wait

Why cant I remember that last one?

Papa pasta: because you were knocked unconscious Spencer

You literally got knocked out by a CANE

Reeeeid: when the fuck was this

Tech queen: remember when we had that unsub who lived with his elderly mother

Reeeeid: yeah?

Team dad: yeah grandma came ready to fight

From behind

You lost

Cat lady: badly

Papa pasta: not my favorite phone call either

Just "Hey Spencer got knocked out"

Cat lady: my bad

Reeeeid: I still don't remember shit from that just vague details

Moooorgan: because most of it you were unconscious 

And in the hospital

You had a bump on your head remember 

Reeeeid: oh yeah there it goes

WAIT WHY'D SHE HIT ME

Team dad: weakest link

Reeeeid: I will roundhouse your ass

Cat lady: you were the smallest person and the closest 

So she was like fine

BONK

Tech queen: that Bonk was unnecessary 

But hey she didn't get brain damage 

Reeeeid: I feel like brain damage would make me more normal

Moooorgan: too bad we like you undamaged pretty girl

Now go to the doctor so I can bother you about things I don't understand and case shit

Reeeeid: hmmmmmmm

No

Papa pasta: Allison Isabella Reid Rossi

Go to the fucking doctor 

Reeeeid: .

Cat lady: ISABELLA?!

Agent Barbie: Your current initials are SIRR

Moooorgan: Wait so before they were AIRR lmao

Reeeeid: I hate you guys

Team dad: you love us 

Now go see the doctor so you can come back to work and not pass out again

Reeeeid: fine

Papa pasta: my work here is done

Tech queen: not me thinking of sailor moon-

Moooorgan: that's a flashback I didn't anticipate 

Agent Barbie: LMAO

Cat lady: AIDHDOENSLJDJIFJDNSKEIRIEISNS

Chapter Text

11:11 AM

Reeeeid:: LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCK ASS DOCTORS OFFICE

NOW

Moooorgan: Baby

Havent you only been there like

10 minutes 

Reeeeid: SOME OF MY PAST SHIT IS IN MY MEDICAL FILES DEREK

THEY TOOK BLOOD

MADE ME PISS IN A CUP

AND HAD SOMEONE GENTLE PARENT ME

Cat lady: what like you're in withdrawal?

Reeeeid: YEAH

LIKE BITCH I CAME FOR DIZZY SPELLS LEAVE ME ALONE

Also I gained 10 pounds I'm CRYING

Agent Barbie: those 10 pounds mean nothing gurl you tiny 

Moooorgan: where did the pounds go your fucking head?

Reeeeid: ARE YOU SAYING MY HEAD IS BIG?

LOOK AT YOU WITH A DAMN WATERMELON FOR A SKULL

Moooorgan: WHY WERE YOU READY WITH THAT?

Team dad: Spencer 

Please 

Stay calm

Reeeeid: no

I wanna go home 

I wanna kiss my boyfriend 

I also want to eat a whole fucking bowl of froot loops 

Moooorgan: Spencer you hate froot loops

Reeeeid: SHUT UP

I WANT EM

Cat lady: damn girl you going through it

Papa pasta: spencer the sooner you feel better the sooner you can do those things

Ok?

Reeeeid: no I'm mad at you

You used my government name

Papa pasta: Now Spence

Reeeeid: No

Hotch is my favorite dad now

Team dad: why did that actually make me happy

Oh my God 

Cat lady: AGDORHDKDHKDNTKFKR AW

Tech queen: come on baby genius 

Dont be grumpy 

Wait reid?

Where did she go

Agent Barbie: she probably got her results 

Moooorgan: gang

Should I be nervous that after Spencer got quiet

My phone goes off

Team dad: UM

Tech queen: you know it's bad if that um was from Hotch 

Moooorgan: I spoke of Spencer and she calls

One second 

Cat lady: WHATS HAPPENING?

Papa pasta: no clue 

But why did she call her boyfriend and not her father about this medical thing

Sad

Agent Barbie: has Penelope been teaching you and Hotch how to type like "cool people"

Papa pasta: yes

She also tried to teach "Rizz"

No clue what it is but I don't want it

Cat lady: thank god

Spencer would kill us

Tech queen: US?

WHY NOT ONLY ME?

Team dad: they'd laugh

Tech queen: fair

Reeeeid: someone check on Derek 

He went really fucking quiet 

Tech queen: pardon

Reeeeid: ...

So

Moooorgan: SPENCER

Reeeeid: oh hi 

Moooorgab: WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT

AAHRFUFMFR

Reeeeid: we should discuss this in person ya know

Breathe

Moooorgan: UH

HOW

I THINK I HAD SEVEN HEART ATTACKS 

Reeeeid: That's 

Ok

Derek

I'll be there in like fifteen minutes 

Moooorgan: yeah ok

Cool

Lemme just

Fucking

Idk

Team dad: what the fuck happened?

Reeeeid: ...

Dont worry about it

Team dad: Spencer Reid 

Reeeeid: no how about this 

Emily and Pen took me to Spencer's once

Papa pasta: EXCUSE ME

Agent Barbie: HUH

Cat lady: SHE THREW US UNDER THE BUS TO AVOID A CONVERSATION?!

Tech queen: damn

Just damn

Agent Barbie: LMAO

Chapter Text

23:56 PM

Cat lady: THAT CASE WAS LONG AS FUCK

Tech queen: you know what else is long 

Agent Barbie: rulers

Tech queen: DAMNIT JJ

DON'T PUSSY BLOCK ME

Agent Barbie: LMAO

Anyways 

Derek

Why so quiet? You looked ready to shit your pants all day

Moooorgan: yeah so about that

Reeeeid: we're having a baby

Tech queen: like a streak pet?

Or a human?

Reeeeid: I'm pregnant 

Agent Barbie: HOLD THE PHONE 

THE DOOR

THE EVERYTHING

BE SERIOUS

Reeeeid: I AM JJ

Team dad: I spat out my drink hold on

You're WHAT

Reeeeid: Sorry dad

I forgot to calculate the success rate of birth control and condoms 

Team dad: dont apologize to me

Wait till your father hears about this

Reeeeid: FUCK

HE'S GONNA KILL ME IF ITS THROUGH THE GROUP CHAT

Tech queen: Quick! Delete everything!

Papa pasta: SPENCER

Reeeeid: Hi papa ^^

How are you?

Papa pasta: DONT PLAY FUCKING CUTE WITH ME

WHAT DID I JUST READ

Reeeeid: So you know how once you asked about grandkids

Papa pasta: THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO AND YOU SAID YOU'D RATHER LICK ELEVATOR BUTTONS

Reeeeid: so change in plans 

Oops?

Papa pasta: oops?

OOPS IS INEFFICIENT 

DEREK MORGAN 

Moooorgan: shit

Ok

Rossi

I know it looks bad

Papa pasta: I'm gonna show you how we deal with business in Italy 

Moooorgan: SIR

Reeeeid: PAPA NO

YOU CAN'T KILL THE FATHER OF YOUR GRANDCHILD

Papa pasta: everytime I see grandchild and grandpa I'm throwing tape decks

Cat lady: I'd pay good money for that shit

Reeeeid: EMILY

Cat lady: WHAT

THIS IS INTERESTING 

MAYBE ABOUT AS MUCH AS WHEN YOU THREW A PEN IN SOMEONES EYE

Team dad: hold on

Wait a minute 

SHE WHAt

Tech queen: unsubs run fast

Spencer throws faster

With surprisingly good aim too

Every see a ballpoint pen at mach speed?

Papa pasta: WHEN THE FUCK

Reeeeid: Killer who was obsessed with gummy bears to the point that he put gummy bears on and in his victim's at unknown times in unknown orders and smelt like molding candy

He also when being interrogated, leaned forward and told Hotch that I 

And I fucking quote 

"Smells like candy floss made from a heavenly angels slick"

Moooorgan: JESUS CHRIST 

Reeeeid: yeah

Ever wish we had normal jobs

CAUSE I DO

Cat lady: back to how Spence is knocked up 

Reeeeid: Oh yeah cause that's a better topic

Agent Barbie: ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THE GUMMY BEAR GUY

Tech queen: if you had a penis what would you stick it in

Cat lady: oh that's easy cause I used to have one

Mayonnaise 

Agent Barbie: yeah so I'm gonna fucking shoot you

MAYONNAISE?

Reeeeid: LMAO

Tech queen: I would put mine in jello

Moooorgan: UGHHHHH

NO

GOD

WHY

Team dad: I'm turning my phone off

It's my fault for having eyes

Papa pasta: what the actual fuck

Agent Barbie: I'd put mine in water

Because I'm normal

Moooorgan: good

Cause if you said carbonated water I'd literally block you 

But if we gotta be weird 

Peanut butter 

Cat lady: UGH

Tech queen: I know mayonnaise girl ain't talking 

Reeeeid: Does it specifically have to be werid?

Agent Barbie: No???

Reeeeid: oh ok

Then Derek

Moooorgan: HOLD UP

Reeeeid: then I could get him pregnant 

Moooorgan: SPENCER WAIT 

WHAT THE FUCK

Cat lady: I mean

It was normal till the breeding kink

Reeeeid: I don't have a breeding kink

It's just biology 

Tech queen: Not Spencer kink shaming half the population 

Reeeeid: IM NOT SHAMING

I JUST DON'T HAVE IT

Agent Barbie: she has a praise kink

Reeeeid: EXCUSE YOU

I WILL FUCKING REPLACE YOUR SHAMPOO WITH KOOLAID

Moooorgan: pretty girl 

Behave

Reeeeid: .

Fine

Moooorgan: Good girl

Reeeeid: I

FUCK

NOT LIKE THIS

Tech queen: OH SHIT

Cat lady: THE WAY HE WENT TO PROVE JJ RIGHT 

Agent Barbie: Damn do you give her gold star stickers too

Moooorgan: Yes actually 

Cause I like patronizing her

Reeeeid: LEAVING

Cat lady: pov Hotch and Rossi read this and question our sanity

Agent Barbie: I mean

They question spence all the time

Nothing new

Tech queen: LMAO

Reeeeid: ok so fuck you

Moooorgan: I already did

Reeeeid: WHEN I FUCKING GET YOU

Cat lady: AHEODHDKDHDKDJDKDHDKDHRJRJDJ

Tech queen: SCREAMING 

CRYING

WHEEZING

Agent Barbie: LOL

Chapter Text

11:27 AM

Reeeeid: someone posted a picture of mac n cheese with blueberries 

I think they're a potential unsub

Agent Barbie: BLUEBERRIES?????

IN MAC N CHEESE 

Cat lady: ok broccoli was pushing it 

Bacon was great

FRUIT?

Tech queen: Spencer 

Where the fuck did you see this

Reeeeid: twitter

Moooorgan: pretty girl

Reeeeid: yes Der bear

Moooorgan: DELETE TWITTER

Also

AGEORBELEHEKSHEOSHRRNDJD

FUCKING PUNCHING THE WALL

Reeeeid: ♡

Cat lady: hes so down bad

Tech queen: He definitely fell harder

Moooorgan: let me be

She loves me

She puts up with me

Reeeeid: he put a baby in me

Moooorgan: AGEIRHDKDHRIRHDD

AHDIEIEISHFHSJS

Agent Barbie: only Spencer could infect us with keysmash 

Reeeeid: I could also turn you gay

Apparently it happened before 

Moooorgan: BACK UP 

YOU WHAT

Reeeeid: I'm bisexual first of all

Second, women also think I'm pretty

Third, I DON'T KNOW HOW????

I'LL JUST TALK TO THEM UNCOVER DURING INVESTIGATIONS RIGHT

"You're such a cutie"

MA'AM 

Cat lady: Damn spence pulling everyone

Tech queen: Spencer Reid 

Ultimate babe magnet

Reeeeid: don't even to this day I don't know how I got Derek 

Moooorgan: wow

Meanwhile it's been 3 years

I'm madly in love with you

WE'RE HAVING A BABY

Reeeeid: ._.

Yeah but why thou lol

Moooorgan: WHEN I FUCKING GET YOU 

IMMA LOVE YOU SO WHOLESOME YOUR BRAIN SHUTS OFF AGAIN

Reeeeid: HUH

WHAIRRHFKFFIFKFKFFISKD

DEREK

I DAHDIFHTKDHFKFF

Moooorgan: I took her phone ^^

Gonna go love my pretty girl now

Cat lady: OMG

Tech queen: I want the kind of Lovely Chaos they have

Goals

Agent Barbie: best friends to lovers troupe real

Cat lady: THAT HAS TO BE WHY THEY'RE LIKE THAT

Team dad: my son just asked me

And I quote 

"If Spencer calls you dad, is she my sister?"

All I said back was "sure if that's what you want"

He's very excited 

Agent Barbie: AWWWWWW

Cat lady: Spencer Is gonna cry when she reads that

Calling it now

Papa pasta: Aaron stop stealing my daughter 

Team dad: our daughter 

Papa pasta: AARON HOTCHNER

Team dad: fight me

.

I hang out with Reid too much

Cat lady: shes really out here corrupting us all

Reeeeid: :3

Also

AHDIFHDKDJDJDJD AWWWWWW HE WAS EXCITED?!

Team dad: Very

Reeeeid: UGHHHH

MY SOUL

Also help Derek is just aggressively cuddling me

I'm not actually complaining 

But help lol

Agent Barbie: He loves you

Reeeeid: I know >×<

BUT GOD DAMN

Tech queen: y'all literally just attack the other with affection till they're a mushy mess on the ground 

Like its competitive 

Reeeeid: It is

It's like a battleground here Pen

I cant just get folded like a lawn chair and take it now can I

Agent Barbie: IN THE CONTEXT OF WHAT

Reeeeid: affection 

I ain't getting folded in sex

Team dad: Aren't you pregnant 

Reeeeid: yeah

And

Doesn't mean I'm the bottom here

Cat lady: AGEORHRODBDKDJFD

I FUCKING CHOKED

WHAT THE HELL

Tech queen: SPENCER

Reeeeid: Take me on a long drive

The car ain't the only thing I'm riding

Agent Barbie: AHAHAHAHAHSHDHDHDHDHDJD

LMAO

Cat lady: GIRL THATS

𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂

Reeeeid: AND 

IM PREGNANT 

YOU KNOW IT GETS WORSE THAN THIS

Tech queen: AHSODHDKDJFKFKFK

Reeeeid: listened to Sabrina carpenter ONCE

"Have you ever tried this one?"

Yeah and now I eat froot loops and cry about cat videos 

Agent Barbie: AHSKDHDKDNDKDKDNDKDKD

I CANT

Cat lady: Do you make him try shit from books?

Reeeeid: how do you think I got pregnant 

Team dad: WHAT ARE YOU READING 

Reeeeid: If I told you 

You'd disown me

Papa pasta: Spencer I know you're a grown woman

But

WHAT THE FUCK

Reeeeid: curiosity killed the cat

Psa: sorry Emily 

But satisfaction brought it back

Cat lady: FUCK YOU

Reeeeid: AHEIDHDKDKDKDKDD

I HAD TO

Tech queen: imagine 

Also is derek reading these? Or just cuddling you?

Reeeeid: I think both

But rn he's mumbling about my shampoo 

Cause my hair smells like vanilla 

Apparently 

Agent Barbie: lemme guess

Is that also why you're pregnant 

Reeeeid: blocking you

Agent Barbie: LMAO

Cat lady: ahdkdjdkdjdkdjdkdjekjekdkd

Tech queen: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA