Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Narrator: “Blade in hand, you step towards the Princess, stopping just outside her reach. Her chains are taut as she towers over you.”

Voice of the Hero: “Uhh, was she always this tall?”

Voice of the Stubborn: “Steel yourself, we can take her!”

Hero: “You mean in a fight, right?”

The Princess: “Well? Are we gonna fight, or do you wanna waste more time talking?”

· “I get it, you wanna have a scrap, so how about we spar for a bit?”

The Princess: “Spar? That’s just play-fighting, it isn’t real. I thought you understood. What's real is my blood getting splattered across these walls! What’s real is feeling your bones break under my strikes, and you getting back up to stab me anyway! What’s real was us dying next to each other. What’s real are the things we do to each other. Don’t you want that as much as I do?”

Stubborn: “Yes! Yes, of course I want it! I want it more than anything!”

Hero: “Are you two serious? How can you possibly want to kill each other?”

Stubborn: “How can you not? Did you not feel the thrill, the blood pounding in our veins, the intense connection between us, the chance to experience her full strength and to use ours?”

The Narrator: “Focus. You are here to slay the Princess, not just to fight her. Regardless, even the Princess herself is practically inviting you to slay her.”

· “I get it, it was exciting.”

The Princess: “Exciting? It was the best three minutes of my life! We need to do it again, right now. Come on, I’ll let you have the first strike.”

· “We could do that, but why don’t I free you instead? There’s plenty of other excitement to be had outside.”

The Narrator: “What are you doing? The only excitement the Princess will have outside is when she destroys the world.”

The Princess: “Free me? Why would I want to be free? If I’m free, I’m still gonna be in a body, I’m still gonna want the same things. So why bother? I’ve got everything I want right here!”

The Narrator: “The Princess grunts angrily and grabs a hold of the chain. Her muscles strain and after a few moments, the chain begins to deform with a metal screech. Then, it snaps. She is loose.”

Hero: “Oh no! Wh-What do we do?”

Stubborn: “Glorious. She’s absolutely glorious. Those chains didn’t stand a chance. Let’s fight her already!”

The Princess: “I don’t need you to free me. I don’t want you to free me. In here, we’ve been given free reign to wail on each other forever! What could possibly make me feel as real as that outside? All I need is you and me! Let’s let our bodies do the talking already!”

Hero: “She’s loose… We can’t flee, we've got no choice but to fight.”

Stubborn: “Yes! At last! Give her all we got!”

· “You’re right, that’s enough talk. If you want a fight, I’ll give you a fight.” [Attack the Princess]

The Narrator: “The Princess greets your attack with eager anticipation as you dash at her and deliver a slash across her chest, leaving a bright red line dribbling blood into her dress. But she isn’t fazed by your attack. A devastating backhand connects, throwing you back across the basement.”

Stubborn: “She looks disappointed in us! Why is she disappointed in us?”

The Princess: “Come on, you can do better than that! It’s no fun if you’re not actually trying to kill me! It’s no fun if you hesitate! Aim right for the heart, not just my chest. You have to want to kill me!”

Stubborn: “I want it! I want it so much! Ugh, I wish she could hear my voice. Guess I’ll let our actions do the talking.”

The Narrator: “I will never agree with the Princess again, but you do need to aim to kill. This is no game.”

Hero: “I wish there was another way. She doesn’t seem so bad, deep down, does she?”

Stubborn: “It’s not about good or bad! It’s about the things we do to each other! Don’t you want to feel our heart pound? Savour this battle and let our blood flow!”

· [Strike at her heart.]

The Narrator: “You launch yourself off the stony ground at the Princess, your knife aimed right at her heart. There is a wet feeling of metal cutting through flesh as you feel it wedge between bones… her arm bones. The Princess grins at you through her guard.”

The Princess: “Yes! You finally get it, don’t you?”

· “I do.”

Hero: “She’s gonna strike back, dodge her! She’s bigger, but we can win if we bleed her out.”

Stubborn: “Stand your ground! If she can take it, so can we!”

The Narrator: “As the Princess’s knee comes up at you, you hesitate, caught between two impulses. You start dodging at the last moment, managing to turn your body away and catch a glancing blow to the side. You feel a rib crack and muscles bruise as you are flung back, spinning. The Princess frowns.”

The Princess: “Hey! Don’t try and dodge me, that’s no fun! Take it head-on!”

Stubborn: “What are you doing? You’re ruining our fight!”

· “I want to make this last, Princess, savour every moment. Don’t you?”

The Princess: “But I- You- It’s no fun when you dodge!”

· “What’s wrong, afraid of a little challenge?”

The Princess: “It’s no challenge, ‘cause I’m still gonna win! It’s just no fun this way! ...You forgot something.”

The Narrator: “The Princess notices the blade stuck in her arm and pulls it out, throwing it at your feet.”

· [Pick up the blade] “Well, I’m having plenty of fun. If you wanna hit me so bad, why don’t you just get better at hitting me?”

The Princess: “Oh, I’m going to enjoy snapping every bone in your body for that!”

· “Not if you can’t catch me!” [Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.]

The Narrator: “You dodge and weave around the Princess’s attacks, striking when you have a chance and focusing on your defence otherwise. But for every cut you get in, the Princess lands a glancing blow. There’s simply not enough space to dodge properly. A kick swipes your face and knocks your teeth loose. An errant hand motion costs you a finger, ripped clean off. Bone after bone snaps, yet you keep going.”

Stubborn: “Such incredible strength! We need to match it, this weak little dance isn’t working!”

Hero: “We can’t match her power, not with strength alone! That’s why we need to be fast, not just strong.”

The Narrator: “A grin begins to break the Princess’s glower, frustration and joy fighting on her face as she beats you down in close quarters. Her many lacerations, the blood drenching her tattered dress, hardly seem to affect her. But the bruises and broken bones from the Princess’s fists and the equally hard stone walls and floor she keeps throwing you into are starting to add up.”

Stubborn: “We’re fine.”

The Narrator: “The Princess gears up for a devastating haymaker with her right, but as you move to dodge it her left fist hits you square in the chest, launching you across the room and snapping your remaining ribs like twigs. You come skidding to a halt against the rock wall.”

Stubborn: “I said we’re fine! We just need to change our tactics!”

The Narrator: “But you don’t have time to reflect on your mistakes as the Princess comes barrelling towards you, ready for the kill.”

The Princess: “You’d better toughen up next time.”

The Narrator: “The Princess flings herself at you to crush your skull with a devastating flying headbutt-”

Hero: “We dodge!”

The Narrator: “There is a sickening crunch as the Princess crashes head-first into the stone wall with all her might. She goes limp, her large body slumping over yours like a sack of potatoes.”

Stubborn: “Now look what you’ve done! This is what comes of all the dodging!”

Hero: “Is she alright? She’s bleeding from the head!”

The Narrator: “Is she alr- I should hope not! Though unfortunately, she is still breathing. This is your chance to end the threat to the world, as well as win the fight you’ve been so stupidly obsessed with. Take the blade and slay her. You will not get a better chance.”

Hero: “Do we… really have to?”

The Narrator: “You know you do.”

Stubborn: “No.”

The Narrator: “What do you mean, no? You won your fight, take the spoils already.”

Stubborn: “This isn’t a fight any more, there’s no victory in killing her. Check her injuries and be careful with her.”

· [Cradle the Princess and inspect her injuries.]

The Narrator: “You carefully rearrange the Princess and turn her around. Her forehead is bleeding copiously, covering her in a red mask, but to your... relief the crack came from one of her horns breaking off.”

Hero: “Weird as it is to say, that is a relief. Should we take care of her? But how do we do that? What are you supposed to do with someone who hit their head into the wall?”

The Narrator: “Well, unfortunately you have little concept of first aid or how to treat concussion trauma, nor any-”

Stubborn: “She’ll be fine either way. She is strong and will heal fast. She’ll be back on her feet fighting us before you know it. Just try and stop the bleeding.”

· [Rip off a piece of her dress to clean her face and stop the blood from flowing]

The Narrator: “Using the piece of tattered cloth, you wipe the blood off the Princess’s face before pressing it tightly to her head injury, the pressure helping clot the blood. You shift your position a bit, letting her head rest in your lap instead of against your broken ribs.”

Hero: “Guess we don’t have anything softer than ourselves to let her rest on. There’s not even curtains or anything else upstairs. No comfort in here at all.”

Stubborn: “She’s gonna be fine. You can see her injuries beginning to heal already. It won’t take her long to recover.”

The Narrator: “That is a very dangerous line of thinking, do not- But you do. Yes, the Princess’s injuries are healing, thankfully only slowly. You may still stand a chance whenever you decide to stop being so wretchedly noble and slay her.”

Hero: “Is that normal? For injuries to heal that fast?”

Stubborn: “Pretty sure it is, don’t you feel ours getting better too?”

The Narrator: “Yes, fine, people do heal injuries, but slowly, you understand? It still takes a pretty long time and people can definitely be slain by inflicting enough of them.”

Hero: “Obviously? Why are you being so weird?”

The Narrator: “No reason, just reminding you of some facts about the world.”

Hero: “Right, thanks. It’s weird, isn’t it? The Princess was so angry and dangerous before, but now she looks so peaceful, like she’s just taking a nap. Ah, she’s still beautiful, isn’t she?”

Stubborn: “Hmpf, you think she’s beautiful now? When she was up and about, trying to crush us, her face shining with that fierce look of joy, covered in little blood spats and injuries, her muscles rippling, that was real beauty. Now it’s like she’s just an empty shell. I can’t stand seeing her weak and injured like this. She deserves better.”

The Narrator: “The Princess stirs and her eyes open slowly, looking up at you, unfocussed and fuzzy. She tries to move, tries to do something uncoordinated.”

· “Easy, Princess, you hit the wall hard. You actually left a dent in it. Take your time getting up.”

The Narrator: “The Princess groans and closes her eyes in frustration.”

The Princess: “Ugh. Stupid mistake. Can’t believe you baited me into that. Guess you didn’t finish the job, though.”

· “Of course not. Where’d be the fun in that?”

The Narrator: “The Princess widely grins up at you.”

The Princess: “You really do get it, don’t you? Despite your obnoxious dodging.”

· “You fight your way, and I’ll fight mine.”

The Narrator: “The Princess rolls her eyes.”

The Princess: “Fine. If you’re too weak to handle me properly, I guess we can keep doing your stupid little dance.”

Stubborn: “Ugh, I guess it’s better than not fighting her at least.”

Hero: “Have we considered that, though? Fighting her was kind of fun, but do we really need to hurt each other so much? She might’ve broken her skull if she was a bit less lucky. We’ve been given a chance to patch things up with the Princess here.”

Stubborn: “There’s nothing to patch up. This has never been about us being enemies. The greatest honour we can possibly do her is to fight her again and give it our all.”

The Narrator: “The Princess is recovering before your very eyes, her injuries closing surprisingly fast. She is still vulnerable for now but it will not last. Oh, why do I even bother. But it would be so easy…”

Stubborn: “And that’s why we won’t do it.”

· “If I’m so weak, why are you the one lying flat on the ground?”

The Princess: “I won’t be for much longer. I’m ready to crush you whenever you want.”

The Narrator: “Despite her words, the Princess makes no effort to get up, stirring a little to make herself more comfortable in your lap instead as she grins up at you.”

The Princess: “Gonna be an easy fight. You’re soft. But right now, I’m not complaining. You're comfy. Maybe when I’m done with you I’ll pluck you and make a nice soft pillow from these lovely feathers to remember how this feels.”

Hero: “Our feathers would make such a soft pillow… Uh… I mean…”

Stubborn: “What’s wrong? First time you've felt complimented by a threat?”

Hero: “Yeah, kinda. She really isn’t so bad for all her bluster, is she? I'm sure we can convince her to do something that isn’t beating us to death.”

· “Let’s go outside, Princess. There’s so much more to the world than just fighting, though I’ll be happy to go again when we’re out there. Come see it with me.”

The Princess: “But… No. I don’t care about what’s out there. It can’t be better than this. Doesn’t the song we write in our blood make you feel so intensely alive?”

· “It does, but how do you know there aren’t other things that’ll make you feel the same way?”

The Princess: “I just do, okay! The world is cold and harsh and boring, fighting you is real and makes my heart pound! Every moment is electric, every strike thrilling! You are the colour red in a world of black and white! I’ve got everything I need right here.”

The Narrator: “The Princess grips your arm, a surprising gentleness in her calloused hand.”

Stubborn: “We’ve talked enough. It’s time.”

· “As you wish. By the way, you lost something.” [Show her her broken horn.]

The Princess: “Hey, th-that’s mine! How’d you get that?”

The Narrator: “The Princess reaches for her horn, but you pull it out of reach.”

· “To the winner go the spoils.”

The Narrator: “The Princess rolls to her feet and you both get up slowly, dusting yourselves off. Your ribs creak. They feel much better, but you can tell the bones haven’t fully healed yet. The Princess glares at you.”

The Princess: “You were not the winner! You didn’t beat me, that was a draw!”

· “If it was a draw, then why do I have your horn? I’d say we’ve had one draw and one win for me.”

Stubborn: “Yesssss, this is the kind of talk I like, get her blood boiling, make her destroy us!”

The Narrator: “The Princess flexes her imposing shoulders threateningly as you circle each other. If only you hadn’t listened to those two little pests, this could’ve been so much easier.”

The Princess: “You never beat me, and you never will, little birdie.”

· “Sounds like a sore loser talking. Ready for round three?”

The Narrator: “The Princess cracks her knuckles, grinning at you.”

The Princess: “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

The Narrator: “You clash like a pair of wild beasts as your deadly dance resumes. You stab, dodge, and weave around the Princess’s lethal strikes. Her fists do far more damage than your blade, but you hit more often, leaving her with a hundred bleeding wounds. Yet when she does hit, your bones splinter easily. A single proper strike could break you, yet your speed keeps the injuries to non-vital spots for a while. You both smile and laugh like maniacs through the drawn out pain you inflict on each other. Your broken left arm dangles uselessly, your teeth are scattered across the floor, you have no idea how your knees are still working, but you are still, barely, standing. At last, you spy an opening.”

Stubborn: “This is it! Strike at her heart and win!”

The Narrator: “You recklessly launch yourself at the Princess’s chest, but the moment the pristine blade’s tip pierces skin her mighty arms catch you. They embrace you in a crushing hug that crumples your barely healed ribcage like a tin can. But the pressure also pushes the blade deep into the Princess’s heart. Her victorious grin turns into an absent-minded, peaceful smile as the embrace turns fatal for you both. Your lungs collapse even as you feel the strength leave her arms. You drop to the ground holding each other, not a bit of fight left in your bodies. Through the pain, you find death is curiously soft, the blade’s handle poking your crushed midriff the only thing breaking the comfort of resting on top of the Princess. It seems that despite all your nonsense, you have finally slain her. Well done.”

Hero: “I wish it didn’t have to end this way. I know we can find a better way to treat each other next time.”

Stubborn: “What could be better than this? We gave it our all and now we get to die together. Be proud.”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s last breaths weaken rapidly, yet she does not remove her arms from around you, no longer crushing but tenderly holding you as you lie in the growing pool of your mingling blood.”

The Princess: “That was… amazing. I can’t wait to do it again…”

· “I’ll find you again. I promise.”

The Narrator: “It comes out as a whisper, your crushed lungs rapidly filling with blood. You take one of your final moments to brush a strand of hair out of the Princess’s face.”

The Princess: “You’d better. Or I’ll come find you. I’ll hunt you down… to the ends of the world… Anywhere you go… I will follow...”

· “May I… kiss you?”

The Narrator: “The Princess, her last breath faltering, barely manages a nod, her smile already starting to slacken. She tries to reach forward for you, but her strength fails. More by gravity than choice does your face drop to meet hers. The final sensation you feel as your body shuts down is a pair of chapped lips reciprocating your caress with the last drop of life remaining in them. Your dying breaths mingle along with your blood, everything goes dark, and you die.”

Chapter Text

The Narrator: “You’re on a-”

Voice of the Hero: “Woah. That was… weirdly good. Like drifting off to sleep with her. I just wish it wasn’t permanent.”

Voice of the Stubborn: “But it’s not! We’re alive again, and I know she is too! She’s eagerly awaiting us in the cabin, already warming up her muscles for an even greater battle!”

Voice of the Smitten: “Yes, no force in this world nor any other could possibly separate us from our beloved for long! Assuredly this lonesome, jagged canyon points the way towards her, her radiant beauty shining like the dawn at the end.”

The Narrator: “I see. So obviously you’ve been here before.”

Stubborn: “Yes, we have to get back to the Princess, right now! We promised we’d return, every moment we spend standing around is a moment we’re not fighting her.”

Smitten: “I cannot stand being alone in this cruel landscape without our beloved, not when I can practically hear her sweet lips and bold heart calling our name from so nearby!”

Hero: “Okay guys, I wanna go see her again too. But last time, we ended up killing each other. Don’t you think we should figure out a plan to not have it end in tragedy this time? I’m sure we could find a way to reason with her. You know, after uh, what happened at the end.”

The Narrator: “You and the Princess killed each other?”

Stubborn: “Tragedy?! How do you still not get it? That was the best and most wonderful time we’ve ever had! Every moment was pure fighty bliss.”

Smitten: “What more beautiful and romantic ending could there possibly be to a star-crossed lovers’ tale than to die in each other’s arms, sharing true love’s kiss as our loving hearts sing their final beat in duet?”

The Narrator: “You kissed the Princess? That is the most irresponsible and foolish thing you could have possibly-”

Hero: “Yeah, I liked kissing her too, but let’s please think about what’s good for her. She’s been locked up in that basement her whole life- uh, all three of them. She has never experienced anything but us. She’s never even stepped outside before. No wonder she latched on so hard to fighting us when it’s the only other thing she’s ever had other than an empty basement. Don’t you think we owe it to her to help her see there’s more to life?”

Smitten: “Why would there need to be more to life than one’s lover? I know she is all I could ever need.”

Stubborn: “I like the new guy, he’s got his priorities straight even if he talks funny.”

Hero: “There’s so much more we could do together than just fight, though. I’m not even saying we shouldn’t fight; if we’re just a little more careful we can tussle without killing each other, both of us are plenty tough. Won’t you guys give it a try at least? I know you came around to my fighting style in the end too.”

Stubborn: “Hmpf, I still think we should’ve faced her head-on, but it wasn’t bad I guess.”

Smitten: “There was a delicate beauty in the dance we engaged in, and it did draw matters out oh so joyously. Sometimes delayed pleasure is all the greater for the anticipation.”

The Narrator: “You aren’t listening to me, are you? You think you know so much better than me because you’ve been here before? Just make sure not to listen to any of those little voices, but especially the one who wants to free the Princess. You’re here to slay her.”

· “No matter what we do, we need to get to the Princess first.” [Head to the cabin.]

Smitten: “Yes! Narrator, we are off to our fated meeting with our beloved past the veil of death.”

Stubborn: “Yeah! To the cabin, to fight our… Hmpf, ‘beloved’ isn’t really my style. To fight our girlfoe!”

Smitten: “You, my dear fellow, are a wordsmith as well as a warrior. It’ll be my honour to perish at our lover’s hands at your side once more.”

Hero: “C’mon new guy, I thought you at least would want to live with the Princess, not just die with her again?”

Smitten: “I do. But if our dearest wishes to face us in combat then war can be just another theatre of love. What more could I possibly ask of this life than to have it end at such a fair maiden’s mighty hands? And for such a violent damsel to pause her onslaught for even a moment to show us the depths of love within her heart? Why, it is easily worth all the pain she could ever inflict upon us.”

The Narrator: “You’ve reached the cabin. I won’t waste words trying to convince these knuckleheads, but I will remind you that no matter your bizarre entanglements with the Princess, you owe it to the world to slay her.”

· [Enter the cabin.]

The Narrator: “The interior of the cabin is suffocatingly tight, more of a glorified tunnel than a building. Its rock walls squeeze at your sides, leaving you no choice but to press onward. The only furniture of note is an iron altar, jutting out from the wall, a pristine blade perched on its edge. The blade is your implement. You’ll need it if you’re going to do this right.”

Smitten: “Ah, just the instrument we need to satisfy our darling.”

Hero: “Do you have to say it like that?”

· [Take the blade.]

The Narrator: “You take the blade from the altar. It would be difficult to slay the Princess and save the world without a weapon.”

Stubborn: “Good. Wouldn’t want to disappoint her.”

Hero: “I think she can sometimes use a little disappointment if it leads to better things down the line.”

· “There’s no way forward. That mirror is blocking the tunnel.”

The Narrator: “No, there’s no mirror, the stone door to the basement is quite unreflective.”

Stubborn: “I know the Princess is behind there, smash the mirror to get to her more quickly!”

Smitten: “Now, now, we might as well take the opportunity to preen a little. We should look our best for our inamorata.”

Stubborn: “She won’t care, she’d be much more impressed with us smashing the bloody thing than having every feather in place. She’ll rearrange them soon enough.”

The Narrator: “And yet, there is no mirror.”

· [Approach the mirror.]

The Narrator: “You step toward the basement door but you stop a step before it and stand still. You can keep going. The door’s right in front of you.”

Hero: “It’s a bit grimy, why don’t we wipe it clean?”

· [Wipe the mirror clean]

The Narrator: “You reach forward and wave your hand across the door leading to the basement. As if on command, the heavy stone door slips open and reveals the path ahead. Before you is a steep cliff face. There are enough footholds that you can clamber your way down, but it takes a careful effort. The air hissing up from below is warm and wet, like the breath of an enemy locked in close quarters.”

Smitten: “Or the breath of a lover held in a passionate embrace.”

Stubborn: “Or both at the same time…”

The Narrator: “Yes, well, regardless, if the Princess lives here, slaying her is probably doing her a favour. Her voice - bold, fierce, and impatient, echoes from the chamber below.”

The Princess: “There you are, I was getting impatient. I was about to come get you!”

Hero: “See? She’s about to escape on her own. If you can just put your bloodlust on hold for a minute, we can help her see there’s more to life than just fighting us.”

Stubborn: “Why would we want her to see that?”

Smitten: “Indeed. Not that I think there could be any force in this world that could ever tear her eyes away from ours, but if there were, wouldn’t that mean she would have… less interest in us?”

Hero: “Are you guys… feeling insecure? Come on, I know I haven’t really been on board with much of how things have gone, but that connection between us was definitely real. We don’t have to be the only thing in the world to her for her to like us. I think. Oh, wh-what if I’m wrong though? What if she didn’t even like that kiss, we never got to hear what she thought of it...”

· “Hey. Uh, how are you?”

The Princess: “Ready to go again. Everything inside of me screams for it.”

· [Continue to the basement]

The Narrator: “You climb down the last part of the cliff face, landing on the solid stone deep belowground. You find yourself in another narrow tunnel. At the other end, the Princess, imposing and tightly muscled, grins back at you from the darkness.”

Smitten: “She’s gorgeous! What a woman! A thousand volumes of poetry would not be enough to describe her Herculean beauty.”

Stubborn: “Those muscles! She barely fits in the tunnel! The size of her arms, and those legs… I can’t wait for her to break us already.”

Hero: “Yeah, wow, she’s absolutely strapping. Just breathtaking. I – Uh, we need to focus, this isn’t gonna work if we’re tripping over our own feet from being too much in love.”

· “Hi. Um, I said I’d find you again, and I did.”

The Princess: “Yeah, you did! Let’s get right back to where we left off!”

· “Oh. Okay. Uh, you mean the kissing?”

The Narrator: “The Princess blushes and scratches behind her horns.”

The Princess: “Actually, I, uh, meant the fight. We should go fight again.”

Smitten: “Did she not like our passionate kiss of death?”

The Princess: “M-maybe we could ki… um, do some more of that other thing later though… Y’knowIfYouWantedToNoBigDealIfYouDon’tWeCanStickToFightingButMaybeWeCouldKissAfterward?”

The Narrator: “You both turn red as beets and try to avoid each other’s gaze, which is extremely hard to do in the tight tunnel. This is ridiculous, she’s a threat to the world’s existence, not your highschool sweetheart! The Princess steels herself and looks you back in the eye.”

The Princess: “B-but, uh, let’s have a fight first.”

· “Yes! Let’s! But let’s do it outside. It’s too tight in here, I can’t manoeuvre. I’m no match for your power here, but outside I can give you the challenge you deserve.”

The Princess: “Why would we go outside when I’ve got you right where I want you? I’ve told you, outside is just another place, I’m still gonna want the same!”

· “Because the outside is nice. I promise you, you’ll like it there, and I’ll still fight you as much as you want. I swear it.”

The Narrator: “The Princess seems to actually consider your words, hesitates, thinks about it.”

The Princess: “I don’t know, I… Why do you want me to leave so much? Why do you want to change what we have? Isn’t this perfect?”

· “Because you deserve better than this bare tunnel. You barely even fit in here yourself. Please?”

The Princess: “Maybe… Maybe next time. Or the time after that. Come on, let’s not waste more words, fight me already! We can think about all that other stuff later, right now I want to feel your knife split my flesh! I want to feel your bones break! Stop dangling what I want in front of me and come here!”

Hero: “She only needs a little more convincing. Let’s rile her up, get her to chase us to the surface.”

Smitten: “Being chased by a beautiful bombshell? Now you’re speaking my language, my dear fellow.”

· “I’m right here. If you want me, come get me yourself.”

The Princess: “Maybe you’ve forgotten I’m chained up again?”

· “Maybe you’ve forgotten those were nothing to you even when you were smaller? Or are all those impressive muscles just for show?”

The Princess: “You should know better than anyone they’re not.”

· “Then come get me, unless you’re afraid? I did kill you last time, after all.”

The Princess: “Little birdies should learn when to shut their beaks! Remember, I own this place, and I own you!”

The Narrator: “The Princess grabs her chains and almost immediately you can hear links breaking. She is loose, and she’s coming for you.”

Hero: “Time to climb for our lives!”

Smitten: “As well as our beloved’s!”

Stubborn: “Ugh, fine, then we’ll give it all we got. Let’s see who’s the faster climber.”

The Narrator: “You begin the gruelling climb back up, your memory of the cliff’s hand and footholds guiding you. You make fast progress to the light above, the Princess hot on your heels. You near the top when disaster strikes. A handhold breaks off and sends you tumbling into the dark depths below.”

Hero: “Oh, shit! I wish our wings let us fly.”

The Narrator: “The Princess, a few metres down below, yells something. She jumps, there is a blur of movement in the dark, and when your fall comes to a sudden stop it is not against the hard rock of the floor. Instead, you receive a soft landing cradled in a pair of powerful muscular arms. You are draped across them, held against the Princess’s soft, um, chest.”

Smitten: “We died. We died and are in paradise. Who would ever have thought such a chiselled belle would have such a literal soft spot? Ahh, I could stay right here in her strapping arms forever...”

Stubborn: “Her arms are as thick as our whole head… Do you feel how strong they are, how tight their muscles? And her pecs… They’re so big...”

Hero: “Those uh, aren’t her pecs, big guy. But yeah, she’s so strong, yet holding us so gently. We’re so close… Do you feel her heart beat? I think I’m in love.”

The Princess: “You idiot! What’d you do that for? You could’ve died without me!”

· [Inarticulate mumbling]

The Narrator: “The Princess sets you down on the ground and turns away, walking back into her dead-end tunnel.”

The Princess: “Do you want to get away from me that much? I thought we had something special. Do you hate me?”

Smitten: “Oh no, what have we done? Quick, beg for her forgiveness!”

Stubborn: “Don’t bother, she’s a Princess of deeds, not words. Giving her the fight she wants is all the apology she could need.”

· “I don’t hate you, I love you! I just wanted to get you outside…”

The Princess: “If you love me, why won’t you do what I want? Why won’t you just fight me? Why do you keep trying to change what we have? Why won’t you fill the hole you’ve left in my heart?!”

The Narrator: “The Princess punches the wall, the impact making chips of stone fall from the ceiling.”

Smitten: “Yes, we should fight her this very instant! Whatever makes our love happy!”

· “Why won’t you do what I want?! I’ve proposed plenty of compromises and you keep rejecting them! I want to make you happy, I really do, but this can’t only be about what you want. It’s gotta be on both our terms. I’m not a toy.”

The Narrator: “The Princess is quiet for a long time. The muscles in her broad back tremble a bit.”

Smitten: “Is she… crying? How could we say such horrid things to our beloved?”

Hero: “No, she needed to hear that. We can’t dance only to her whims.”

Stubborn: “...Yeah.”

Hero: “Yeah?”

Stubborn: “Y’know, what you said. I still wanna fight her, but it can’t just be about her wishes. We have to want it too. And I do. But if the rest of us don’t, then she shouldn’t get to decide for us.”

The Princess: “I’m sorry.”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s voice is quiet, full of emotion, but it echoes in the harsh rocky space.”

The Princess: “You’re right, I keep dismissing what you want. You make me feel so good, so real, and everything else is so cold and empty. Lifeless and plain. You gave me the best thing I’ve ever felt, again and again. I just… wanted more. I’m sorry. It’s okay if you want to leave. Just go.”

· “I don’t want to leave you, I want to leave with you. What if it’s just the basement you’re hiding in that’s cold and empty? I promise you, there’s so much more to the world, so much more to life. Try something new. Step outside with me. Please?” [Take her hand]

The Narrator: “You grab the Princess’s trembling hand, twice the size of yours. It closes around yours, completely subsuming it in its warmth. Then she turns and a massive hug envelops you completely, powerful without crushing, lifting you off the ground. You are lost in a sea of warmth, your legs dangling uselessly off the floor.”

Smitten: “We throw them around her strapping waist, propping ourselves up and drying her tears as we look her in the eye.”

The Princess: “Let’s go outside then. I… know it’s gonna be okay if you’re with me.”

· “Thank you.” [Hug the Princess]

The Narrator: “Ugh. Let me remind you you are carrying the pristine blade, and this would be an excellent time to use it. But you hold on to the Princess tightly, barely able to close your arms around her boulder shoulders. You just stand there holding each other for a little while, the Princess easily able to support your weight. After a little while she turns to meet your face, a sad, vulnerable smile on hers. And then she kisses you, softly. Your body goes limp in her arms as you feel her chapped lips gently smooch yours. You could never have expected her large, sculpted form to house such a gentle lover, hands that can crush bones touching you lightly, lovingly. You pet her impressive array of horns and she gasps and shivers in joy.”

Smitten: “Oh, we should remember that. It may come in useful later.”

Stubborn: “Hmm, yes, important to make note of our girlfoe’s weaknesses.”

The Narrator: “The Princess smiles at you, her muscular arms still supporting your whole body.”

The Princess: “There. We actually get to live to the end of this one.”

Stubborn: “It was worth dying last time though.”

Smitten: “Made it even more romantic.”

Hero: “I liked this kiss at least as well but maybe that’s just me.”

· “Ahh, that was nice. Let’s get out of here.”

The Narrator: “The Princess nods as you set off on your course of damnation. The two of you scale the cliff, slowly and cautiously this time, helping each other when needed. You reach the cabin far too fast. You walk through the narrow tunnel ahead of her, and you step out into the world outside. The Princess hesitates at the door, and you offer her your hand. She smiles gratefully, takes a deep breath, and steps outside. We’re all doomed.”

The Princess: “It’s… so big. There’s so much space… It’s beautiful. Maybe you were right. Maybe this is better than the basement…”

· “Thank you for giving it a chance.”

The Narrator: “The Princess nods.”

The Princess: “It’s… We should go somewhere. We should go somewhere together.”

The Narrator: “Her grip on your hand suddenly becomes tight, threatening her true hand-crushing strength.”

The Princess: “But first… I’ve been itching for that fight you promised me! We’re outside, if you think all this space gives you an edge, then show me! Show me you’re worth all the room you’ve been taking up in my head!”

The Narrator: “She pulls you towards her but graciously lets you pass her by, letting go as you spin around and face her.”

Stubborn: “This is it, boys! Get ready for the fight of our lifetimes!”

Smitten: “If it pleases our darling, then we’ll give her everything we’ve got.”

Hero: “Back to this, huh? Guess that’s how it was always gonna go between us. We can take her.”

· [Fight the Princess.]

The Narrator: “You make eye contact with the Princess and plant a kiss on the blade’s flat side. She responds by kissing her fist. You share a laugh. Then you bound toward the Princess, keeping low, before sharply swerving to the left, avoiding a massive fist. She stumbles and overbalances. Your blade flashes, leaving a shallow gash on her shoulder. She slams back at you, a mighty elbow crashing into your chest, and you can feel a bruise blossoming.”

Stubborn: “We’re fine, it’s just a bit of pain!”

The Narrator: “Yes, actually, it could’ve been much worse, and you managed to land another hit, leaving a cut on her tail. You dance around each other, blade versus fists. She is much stronger, but you are much faster. You can dodge most of her blows and though the ones that connect hurt like hell and leave nasty purple bruises, you manage to miraculously avoid serious injury every time. Your blade flashes and delivers cut after cut as you outmanoeuvre the Princess, dancing outside her mighty reach. At one point you find yourself on the ground, her foot on your chest, but a quick stab and roll lets you just barely escape being crushed. You use the terrain, hopping onto rocks to attack from new angles and taking cover behind trees to protect yourself from her onslaught. With the amount of times you manage to cut her she should be getting whittled down, only…”

Hero: “Only what?”

The Narrator: “Only you’re not taking this seriously, are you? Your knife cuts her, but never deeply, never anywhere vital. You hurt, but you do not harm. Unbelievable, it’s your last chance to save the world and you decide to go soft on its destroyer?”

Hero: “Got us, mate. But the Princess hasn’t noticed, has she?”

Smitten: “Or at least she hasn’t complained yet. If our beloved is having a good time, that’s good enough for me.”

Stubborn: “Shut up, it’s still real to me, dammit!”

The Narrator: “But a few dance moves later, you miss a step. An errant root trips you up. You stumble and fall, right into a huge palm that wraps around your skull like a constrictor. You are slammed into the grassy ground, pinned down by massive hands around your head and wrist, powerful legs keeping yours from kicking.”

The Princess: “You’re dead. Skull crushed, brain stew leaking out through your nose and ears.”

· “You got me. Guess that puts us at one win each and two draws.”

The Narrator: “The Princess laughs.”

The Princess: “One win for me, and three draws. Better not to argue scores with someone who’s got your head in a vicegrip, little birdie.”

· “About that, I can’t help but notice I’m not literally actually dead.”

The Narrator: “The Princess lets go and pats your head, ruffling your feathers and shrugging her mighty shoulders.”

The Princess: “Yeah, well, I can’t help but notice I didn’t get properly stabbed either, but I’m trying something new and I guess maybe play-fighting can still be kind of fun sometimes. D-Don’t you dare look at me like that, I won’t go easy on you next time!”

· “Of course you won’t, I’d never think otherwise.”

The Narrator: “The Princess grins down at you and rakes a hand through the feathers on your chest.”

The Princess: “‘I’d never think otherwise, Princess.’ Better not be rude while I’ve got you right where I want you, my little feather pillow.”

Smitten: “Oh dear, I rather like what’s come over her.”

Stubborn: “Hah, like we’re gonna respect her title when she calls us that! Challenge her, let’s see what she does!”

· “Can’t be a Princess without a tiara.”

The Narrator: “The Princess caresses your cheek and neck like she’s considering choking you, narrowing her eyes.”

The Princess: “Such a bratty bird. Never wanna listen to me, do you? Always got your own way of doing stuff.”

· “And you secretly love it.”

The Narrator: “The Princess tries to keep her smile under control but fails, small blushes appearing on her cheeks.”

The Princess: “Shut up. But you do have a way of making me feel so very alive.”

· [Kiss the Princess]

The Narrator: “Perhaps, in a strictly logical and utilitarian sense, you should be thanked for distracting the Princess and thereby delaying the end of the world a little longer. I, however, will not do so, because you are simply adding insult to injury. I hate you all.”

Hero: “Okay, that’s great, but how does the kissing go?”

Stubborn: “Yeah, don’t slack in your duties just ‘cause you don’t like what’s happening.”

Smitten: “Narrator! Kindly proceed to describe our steamy kiss with our one true love.”

The Narrator: “What did I ever do to deserve this? Fine, you kiss. A lot. Her powerful bulk presses down on you, you can feel her strength, yet she is shockingly gentle with you. Her hands rake through your plumage, your delight unbound. She is careful when she finds one of the bruises she inflicted, but after some encouragement she gets rougher with them, sending stings of surprisingly pleasant pain coursing through you. You fondle her rough skin, her firm muscles, her powerful thighs. You caress her horns, one by one, moving from the small skin-covered ones to the rough texture of the big ones, dragging your claws along them with a pleasant scraping noise. The Princess gasps in joy and kisses your neck.”

The Princess: “More of that.”

Stubborn: “Now’s our chance, her grip is weakening! Wiggle out from under her and pin her down!”

Hero: “Do we have to? It’s so nice underneath her, there’s so… much of her, and she’s all over us. It’s heavenly.”

Smitten: “I’m up for either, really. But it would be fun to throw her for a loop, show our beloved something new.”

The Narrator: “Feeling your heart pound, you send a hand down from the Princess’s firm shoulder to the soft swell of her breast. She goes slack, a look of shocked delight on her face, and you use the opportunity to launch a big push with all your strength, flipping her over and landing on top of her. The Princess looks up at you in shock and awe.”

· “I think you meant ‘More of that, please.’”

The Princess: “Woah. Nice move, little birdie. But what happens when I do this?”

The Narrator: “The Princess’s mighty thighs grab your hips in a vicegrip and a twist of her pelvis rocks you against the ground. You wrestle for a while, tumbling and laughing, stealing kisses and caresses whenever you can, teasing each other and fooling around. After a happy while, you find yourselves lying next to each other holding hands, grinning and catching your breath, both of you covered in grass and…”

Hero: “...And? Guess He needed a break too.”

The Princess: “Hey.”

· “What’s up, Princess?”

The Princess: “You know I love you, right?”

· “Yeah. It’s been obvious from the start.”

The Princess: “You do get it.”

But every moment ends. It’s time to go. Something has taken her away, and left something else in her place. Memory returns.

Hero: “She’s gone. Where did she go? Should we try and find her? And is that that mirror again? Why is it here? Why now?!”

Stubborn: “Screw the mirror, smash it if it’s hiding the Princess!”

Smitten: “Please, let’s look for her somewhere else, it feels foul! Nothing like our beloved.”

· “It’s going to be okay. Just trust me. We’ve been here before, and you always get scared.”

Hero: “But it feels so bad! Like looking into it right now is going to be the end of everything.”

· “There’s gonna be something good on the other side. It’s going to be okay.”

Hero: “Okay. If you say so, we’ll trust you.”

Stubborn: “Whatever it will do to us, we can bear it.”

Smitten: “Perhaps it is worth it if there’s even a small chance it will return us to her side.”

· [Approach the mirror.]

You approach the mirror.

· [Gaze into your reflection.]

Silence as you reach forward. They’re gone again. The mirror always makes them leave. But you need to see what’s in it.

You are nothing at all.

But that isn’t right. You can’t be nothing. You refocus your gaze, and then you see it: a figure, faint and veiled in shadow, just beyond the reflection.

· “Are you me?”

The Narrator: “I think you know what I am.”