Chapter Text
Anders found himself awoken abruptly by a shake to his shoulder.
“What?” He mumbled blearily as the gentle daylight from outside lit the inside of the tent. It was no longer pitch black, which made it easier to see Maddox’s enthusiastic grin.
“You hear that?” Anders gave a groan and rubbed at his eyes, straining his eyes to listen. All he heard was the faint chirping of morning birds in the distance.
“Mm, my breakfast if they don’t shut up.” He grumbled.
“ Birds . C’mon. You said we’d go see them.” Anders cursed his hysterical self from last night. Why couldn’t he think about his poor morning self who hated getting out of bed?
“I did, didn’t I?” Anders sighed and pulled himself out of bed reluctantly. He realised his clothes were damp against his sweltering frame and cringed in discomfort. Too many blankets. He practically sweated through his clothes. Disgusting . He’d have to get used to the new internal temperature.
Maddox pulled him up from his bedding, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he led Anders outside. He squinted into the early morning. The sun hadn’t reached them just yet, but it wasn’t far off. His suspicions about winter coming was proven correct with the sharp bite in the morning air. He pressed against Maddox’s side, taking the lead in their walk. They had both forgotten their shoes, but Anders barely felt it. He hoped Maddox wasn’t too cold, given he didn’t have the advantage of having a lyrium-induced furnace for a body. He led the other across the quiet camp, only finding a few Templars lazing about by the fire or beside their tents. There was an odd look or two given to the pair, but nobody asked where Anders was taking the Tranquil. Did they even care? Perhaps not. Hardly anyone saw Tranquil as the people they once were, before the mark took their individuality from them. They were nothing more than mindless slaves to the Order or glorified candle holders within the Chantry’s walls after that.
Samson cares, a small part of him whispered. Or maybe it was Justice simply influencing the stir of emotion in his chest. He had had a connection to Maddox, but he didn’t abandon him, even when he was no longer the same Maddox. He kept him safe for years, out of guilt, sure, but also because it was right . He really did care for the mages, the Tranquil included, in his own way. He cared for the Templars too.
Despite everything, he still has a strange sense of honour about him. He mused to himself. He has a heart . It feels like a rarity these days for people to dare to feel with it. These days? Those days? Ugh.
The birds got louder as they slipped through the trees.
“Look! There.” Maddox beamed as he pointed upwards. There was a small sparrow chirping away above them. Anders chuckled.
“Pretty. I imagine most birds in the area will be migrating towards Tevinter to get away from the snow.”
“It doesn’t snow here.”
“Not really. Mostly rains. Still. All the birds in Ferelden will travel away from the snow. Some of the birds in Orlais will probably come here, then to Antiva, or Tevinter, maybe even Rivain. Nothing goes to the Anderfels. Wasteland it is.”
“It’s such a shame. I’ll miss out on all the birds when we get to Ferelden.” Maddox pouted. Anders chuckled.
“We have some birds that stay in the winter. Ravens. Crows. Owls.”
“Really? Owls .” Maddox grinned. “I’ve never seen one before.”
“We’ll have to find one for you. Their feathers are lovely for coats.” Maddox made an offended sound low in his throat, a bubble of laughter escaping Anders. “I’m pulling your leg. I prefer raven feathers.”
“Awful. Can’t you like fur like the rest of Ferelden?”
“The only fur I like is cat fur, and I prefer the cat alive .”
“Do you have a favourite?”
“A favourite cat?” Anders looked thoughtful before smiling softly. “I had a tabby once. A majestic creature by the name of Ser Pounce-a-lot.”
“Really? That’s the name you picked?” Maddox snorted.
“It was a good name! I wasn’t going to name him something boring . He was a special cat. He would fight Darkspawn with me. Bravest cat I ever knew.”
“Knew?”
“I had to give him up. When I joined with Justice, well…it was a mess. I had to run from some Templars who were just waiting for their chance to cut my head off. I left Pounce with a friend.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve never had a pet, but I can imagine it hurt to leave him behind.”
“ Yeah .” Anders sighed heavily and tilted his head when he heard another squawk in the distance. “I think that was a raven. Come on.” He took the younger man’s hand and led him along their own path through the trees, pointing out a few different birds they managed to spot. Mostly ravens. He did catch a blue jay before it flew off, which prompted him to spill the story about the nest by the window in Kinloch. He didn’t mention Karl, only to keep the mood light.
By the time they circled back to camp, breakfast seemed underway and Maddox was shivering.
“Next time remind me to put my shoes back on.”
“You’re the one who dragged me out.” Anders chuckled and rubbed over his prickly head, his fingertips cracking open to spill warmth over a chilled ear. Maddox shivered but leaned into the hot touch.
“There you are!” Samson was making his way down the small hill from where Maddox’s tent was perched. “A note wouldn’t hurt next time — where are your shoes?”
The General stopped before them, looking baffled at the sight of their bare feet. He was already dressed in his under-armour, chainmail hanging off his frame and steel boots on.
“I don’t actually know where my boots are. Or my robe.” Anders admitted. “Pretty much all my clothes are a mystery to me.” He knew the tunic and breeches weren’t his. The smalls thankfully were.
“That’s because most of your clothes were shredded or covered in blood and dirt. Your boots looked ready to fall apart.” Samson scowled. Anders had half a mind to be indignant about his judgement. His robes had been new, thank you!
“Did you at least keep them? I can mend them.”
“Your robe was kept. The rest could be replaced, so no. They’re scraps now.” Anders groaned.
“At least I still have my robe. It was expensive. I’ve barely gotten any wear out of it, it would be a shame to toss it.”
“It’s got four years worth of wear.” Maddox joked and Anders glared half-heartedly.
“I’m not giving up my feathers to wear whatever you lot think is fashionable.”
“You weren’t joking?!” Maddox gaped.
“It’s Tevinter inspired! Of course it has feathers . And I can’t get another one like it unless I go there.”
“Maddox,” Samson sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Go get some shoes on before your feet freeze.”
“Good idea.” Maddox had the decency to flush, cheeks now as rosy as his ears. “Can you bring Anders something to wear? Specifically boots .”
“I’ve got a spare pair. They might be a little…” He glanced at his feet once more. “ Tight , but they’ll have to do until the next city.” With that, Samson made his way back to his tent while Maddox and Anders made their own trek back to their abode. Anders didn’t know whether to be insulted over the jab at his large feet or not, but it was hardly something to fuss over. Much like his fingers, his toes were long and thin, his big toes crooked, tilted against the rest from wearing ill-fitted shoes during his many years in Kirkwall.
“Maddox!” The pair paused and turned towards a tall, older man, with dark skin like mulberries. On the left side of his mouth, his lower lip was missing a chunk, revealing dark gums and three yellowed teeth.
“Declan.” Maddox greeted with a wide smile, and Anders was reminded of Samson’s description of the bookish Templar.
“You- you’re smiling?” The man looked shocked. “I thought I was imagining it when I saw you talking to General Samson…”
“I’m just as shocked as you are.” Maddox laughed. “Have you met Anders yet?” He gestured to the mage with one hand, eyes bright as he watched said mage give a stiff nod of his head to the Templar.
“Anders — yeah.” Declan looked at him and quickly looked away, shifting his weight. He made him uncomfortable. He should have expected that. “I saw him yesterday when he…well. I know him. He’s our healer now. Did he… fix you? I didn’t think it was possible.”
“Yes and no. It’s Justice. His spirit. I don’t know how exactly but…being in his proximity seemed to reverse the procedure. It reconnected me to myself somehow. Because of the Fade inside the spirit, I think.” Maddox shrugged. “I’m going to study it some more, with Anders' permission, of course. But as long as I stay close, I’m… me again.”
“That’s- that’s amazing.” Declan, despite being a man likely Anders age, shuffled like an anxious school boy. “I, uh. Could I hug you, kid?”
“Hug me?” Maddox blinked before laughing. “ Yeah . You can hug me.” He sounded fascinated at the mere prospect of being hugged, let alone having someone ask his permission to receive one.
The older Templar wrapped the younger man up in a hug and squeezed hard enough to earn a groan, two solid slaps on the back making Maddox stagger as he was released.
“Praise be. The surprises never end. A blessing has been around every corner since He came.” Anders felt a spot of colour upon his cheeks. Did he really think that of him, despite his caution? It was…kind of nice , to be honest. “Is it alright if I tell the others about this? They’re dying to know what’s up.”
“Uh, I don’t think it’s a secret or anything. Samson will probably mention it over breakfast anyway. Go ahead.” Maddox shrugged and Declan lumbered off back towards his gaggle of half armoured colleagues.
“You think it’s alright if they know?” Anders asked curiously.
“They’re Samson’s troops. Brothers and sisters in arms. He trusts them, so I trust them. Plus, we can’t exactly keep it a secret forever. I’m a terrible actor.” Maddox didn’t seem concerned in the slightest, so Anders let himself be at ease, following the other back to their tent.
Inside, Maddox put on fresh clothes and his boots while Anders turned away out of respect. Shortly after, Samson poked his head in and offered a pair of boots, clean clothes and his robe. It was clean of blood, but torn in the stomach, through to the back, and missing some fabric along the hem. Thankfully, the stomach was a fairly clean tear. Maddox turned away to give him privacy and Anders realised belatedly that he was without clean smalls.
He sighed and tossed them in the pile of dirty clothes. It wouldn’t be the first time he went commando. He slipped his robe on, buckling it shut and slipping on his boots. He stuffed his dirty clothes in a bag that Maddox offered him.
“We’ll wash them properly at the next camp site.”
Breakfast was thankfully not porridge, a fact everyone seemed happy with. Instead it was fox meat and foraged mushrooms, an atypical meal for the morning but delicious nonetheless. Anders found himself perched between Maddox and Samson as they ate, the Templars giving the two ex-Circle mages a decent amount of space compared to Samson who had Landon practically elbowing his side as he rattled off about the success of his snares.
“It’s crazy to me how different food tastes now.” Maddox awed. “I didn’t really notice last night, not with how exhausted I was, but now? Maker .”
Anders laughed as Maddox all but inhaled a mushroom. The juice from the fox meat that had soaked it dribbled down his chin.
“Slow down or you’ll choke.” Anders used the sleeve of his robe to wipe away the juice, Maddox screwing up his face and pulling away.
“I’m not a baby.” He complained with a full mouth and Anders wrinkled his nose.
“You’re worse than Carver was, ugh.” Truthfully, nobody could be worse than Carver. Awful table manners that kid. His brother was only a little better, honestly.
“Who’s Carver?”
“My friend's brother. A right tit when I met him, but he grew up eventually. Became a Grey Warden, actually.”
“You always have the craziest stories on hand, you know that?” Maddox shook his head even as he grinned. “Not only were you a runaway Circle mage, you were also a Grey Warden, and then you let a spirit of Justice possess you, ran off to Kirkwall to find your lover and then you blew up a Chantry and martyred yourself to kickstart a rebellion! I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so interesting .”
Anders cheeks coloured despite himself. It was a little nice to have such sparkling admiration focused on him every once in a while.
“It sounds all grand and glorious, but it only seems that way because you don’t know the parts that happened in between or during those events.”
“I know a little. You don’t lead a life that bizzare without some bumps in the road.” Maddox agreed, picking at his fox meat and popping some in his mouth.
“You had a lover in Kirkwall?” Samson suddenly looked confused, a frown on his lips as he butted into the conversation. “Was it the Champion?”
“Oh, Maker no.” Anders laughed awkwardly, waving it off. “No, uh, Hawke and I weren’t like that. I mean, I considered it once, he was certainly my type, but it never went anywhere.”
“ He was a distraction .” Justice felt the need to chime in. “ You spent far too much time thinking about his arms. ”
“Oh, knock it off!” Anders' ears burned. “Just because you’re right behind the door doesn’t mean you get to stick your finger through the peephole whenever you please!”
“I am under your skin, not behind a door. ”
“Metaphors, Justice. Metaphors .” He grumbled, making his displeasure and embarrassment known to the spirit. Justice had the decency to feel a little shame for upsetting his host. Maddox was stifling a giggle behind his hand, and Samson’s own lips gave a twitch. Landon didn’t bother hiding his amusement, barking a laugh and slapping his knee.
“Oh, the abomination’s funny! This is great. As long as he doesn’t go full melted flesh lump on us, the healer and his pet demon are golden.”
“I am not a demon nor a pet!” Justice snapped and Landon flinched, falling off the log of wood. Samson shoved his flailing legs with a smirk.
“Justice doesn’t take kindly to lies. That includes ones about himself. He’s a spirit, remember that.”
“Yes, General.” Landon sighed as he laid on the cool grass. A few Templars chuckled at the scene, the older men and women happy to rib at one of the younger Templars. Pouting like a child, he looked closer to the twenty-two year old he was.
Samson allowed it, finishing with his breakfast before he stood.
“Alright. I’m sure you’ve all already noticed that Maddox is different now. Somehow, Anders and his spirit have managed to undo the Chantry’s rotten work. He is no longer Tranquil. It requires proximity from our knowledge, so if you need healing, you’ll find Anders in Maddox’s workshop. If one is without the other, you inform me immediately , do you understand?”
A collection of murmured agreements sounded from around the campfire. Samson crossed his arms and nodded, seeming satisfied with that.
“With that out of the way; let’s finish eating, pack up and move out! I want us out within the hour if possible. Anders, you’ll be in the wagon with the furniture, and Maddox. He usually rides in the back. The horses react poorly to him.” He added the last part at the distinctly displeased expression the mage was giving him.
“I don’t know what I did, but they hate me.” Maddox sighed. “Maybe it’s a Tranquil thing.”
“Maybe they’ll like you better now?”
“You think so?” Maddox’s eyes sparkled at Anders' suggestion. “You think I could try riding again, Sam?”
“We’ll see. You’ll have to ride together if so.”
“We have to do everything together, Sam.” Maddox rolled his eyes. “That’s a given.”
“Speaking of everything ,” Anders squirmed as he put his empty plate down. “Nature calls. Come on.”
“Oh. Great.” Maddox followed anyway, the pair ignoring the snickering that followed them.
• • •
It was unsurprising that Maddox’s tools took the longest to pack up, despite being more organised than Anders expected. Everything had a spot in the draws of his work bench and the toolbox Anders lugged to the wagon with the help of a glowing hand from Justice. Apparently super strength wasn’t one of his grand perks, but Justice was as strong as ever, and overworking Anders' muscles when he did perform feats of strength didn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to.
“This seems really unsafe, Justice!” Maddox was stumbling down the hill after the spirit as it walked the heavy work bench usually carried by two Templars over the mages blond head.
“Do not fret. The human body has exceptional strength when pushed to its limits.”
“That’s the concerning part, honestly.” Maddox ducked when the spirit turned to face him, almost catching a wooden leg to the face. “Don’t stop, keep going before you drop it on Anders head!”
“ I would never! ” Justice baulked at the mere suggestion he would endanger his friend. Regardless, he continued down the hill with Maddox a few paces behind.
“What in Andraste’s name are you doing?” Samson looked at the pair in bewilderment from beside the wagon where he had been talking to a stout blond woman. Justice stared at the General and placed the work bench into the wagon with a thud and a scrap of wood against wood.
The warrior flickered away and Anders groaned, rubbing his sore arms.
“Show off.” He grumbled.
“I will not take help from ignorant Templars. We are strong enough together.”
“ You — need a nap .” Anders scowled. “Leave my poor body out of your dick measuring contest, Justice.” He let his magic flow into his arms, neck and back before sighing in relief.
“Is he restless for action, or what?” Samson groused, his mouth pulled tight in the corners. “I’m not certain the display is putting any of my soldiers at ease. I don’t need them avoiding their healer.”
“Justice doesn’t think your men like us, or namely him very much to begin with, which I’m sure they don’t, but he doesn’t appreciate our… allies pussyfooting around us. Or thinking we’re weak. Landon offered to help move the desk and he took offence.” He rolled his eyes before they flashed red.
“He thinks I’m a demon!”
“Oh, hush you.” Anders shook his head, imagining Justice pinging around like a bead in a box. Justice pulsed with annoyance but stayed quiet this time.
“He’s got a temper on him.” Samson remarked with a smirk. “Maybe I should make him a soldier and leave you to heal after he’s torn our enemies apart.”
“Hey now, my body, my rules, he’s the passenger, not me.”
“I would like to fight.”
“Get your own body then.” Anders challenged and Justice squirmed beneath his skin.
“No. I like ours.”
“At least I don’t have to worry about you being defenceless. Something tells me even if you passed out, Justice would keep you going.” Samson’s eyes shone, and something about it tingled in the back of his head. Like he had seen it before.
“He’s saved me from fatal wounds twice now. I don’t die unless he says so.” Anders snorted. Samson grinned, crooked and…not exactly charming in the classical sense, but roguish. In a good way. He was sure Samson was exceedingly handsome in his youth, much like himself, but he looked now like he had lived a tough life.
Hadn’t they all? He thought bitterly. He wasn’t what he was in his prime either. Age and consequence caught up with them all eventually.
“Good. An infallible healer who can tear the heads off men. Gets my blood pumping. I almost hope we meet bandits on our way.”
It struck Anders then that the look in Samson’s eyes was the same as when he’d found him. When he had looked into Anders' own and noticed the hints of red. It was something near predatory. The silent praise, the blanket of pride. He liked the power he wielded, and perhaps even saw it as a reflection of his own. Anders tried not to shiver under his gaze. It was an intensity he hadn’t felt directed at himself in a long time, yet it didn’t carry the usual fear he’d feel if a regular Templar dared to stare in such a way.
“Well, back to it — soldier .” Samson chuckled and turned away to resume his stocktake with the stout woman while Anders let out a breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. Maddox’s hand touched his elbow and he jumped slightly, turning to look at him.
“Hm?”
“Let’s finish packing up the tent. It’s almost mid morning. Samson will get antsy if we aren’t off soon.” Maddox insisted, leading Anders back towards their tent so they could start pulling it apart and rolling up their bedding. Maddox kept all his things meticulously and organised, making pack up quick and easy. The longest part was rolling up the tent itself without managing to trip over multiple flaps or pegs.
“Alright you lot! We’re moving out!” Samson came out from behind the trees as he barked the order, catching Anders off guard. When had he left? He was probably just checking the perimeter before they left. He seemed like the type to leave the important stuff like that to himself, not because he didn’t trust his men, but because he liked seeing it with his own eyes.
Anders chucked the tent into the wagon as Samson approached.
“You still wanna try the horse out, Maddox?”
“Yes!” Maddox lit up like a firefly at the offer, tugging Anders along to follow after the General. He directed him towards a gorgeous sleek black horse with white splashed over its nose. Its mane was sectioned into braids and tied off with red sashes.
“This is Mela. She’s sturdy and has a good ear when it comes to her rider. She can carry two for an hour or so if you wanna give her a go.” Maddox came around to her front with sparkling eyes, cautious as he stroked her snout. She gave a huff and nudged at his hands, burying her mouth in his palm with a nip. He flinched away with a gasp but there was no damage done. Samson chuckled, warm like neat whiskey.
“You put your hand on her face and she’ll expect a treat.” Samson reached into his saddle bag and pulled out an apple, digging his thumb into the top and breaking it in half with a crisp crack. The scent of the fresh fruit reminded Anders of Fenris and his grumpy mug. Whenever his friends had upset the warrior, he’d always end up with an apple in hand the next day. He wondered if Fenris ever realised he was being bribed. Maybe he didn’t care.
Samson passed half of the apple to Anders, drawing him out of his thoughts. He took the half with a raised brow.
“D’you like horses at all?”
“They’re alright. I prefer cats.”
“Tabby cats.” Maddox chuckled and took the other half happily.
“Can’t ride a cat — Flat palm or you’ll lose a finger.” Samson warned and Maddox frowned, brows furrowed in confusion. Samson shook his head and took the younger’s hand, uncurling his fingers from the red flesh of the fruit. He guided his flat palm towards the horse and Mela happily stole the treat with her large teeth, crunching loudly.
Maddox laughed in delight. Anders smiled and passed the other half to him.
“Go on. I’m good on the horse slobber.” He insisted before Maddox could deny the offering. With obvious pleasure, the smith offered the second half to Mela and watched it disappear into her mouth with a grin so wide it had to hurt. He looked so incandescently happy over such a small thing.
Samson watched Maddox pet between Mela’s ears with a small smile, chuckling when the horse tried to get her teeth into his wool coat.
“Careful. She’s nippy.” Maddox evaded her teeth with a laugh.
“The last horse tried to kick me! I’ll take nippy any day. You think she’ll let me ride her?”
“Give it a go. Do you know how to straddle?”
“I’ve seen you do it a million times.” Maddox assured and came around to Mela’s left, taking a moment to gauge the height of the horse. She was a fairly large girl. He hooked his boot into the stirrup and pulled himself up by the horn, swinging his leg over with a small wobbly sound of apprehension before he settled himself onto the saddle. He looked down at Samson and Anders with a growing grin.
“I can see the tops of your heads now. Weird .”
“I’ve heard enough about my looks from you, boy . If you say anything about thinning, I’ll kick you harder than any horse.”
“You’re fine, Anders. I mean, you have fine, fair hair as it is, but it hasn’t thinned. Yet.”
“Don’t test me.”
“I don’t need any comments about my hair either, Maddox, before you try.” Samson groused.
“Some men pull it off better than others, Samson dear.” Anders patted his shoulder sympathetically and knocked Maddox’s foot forward, out of the stirrup so he could haul himself up in a similar manner. He hadn’t ridden many horses in his life outside his brief time with the Wardens, but he’d watched Templars ride them plenty when they dragged him back to Kinloch.
He made himself comfortable behind the younger man and reached for the reins, twining his hands in the leather and locking his feet in the stirrups. He had the longer legs anyway.
“All these comments coming from the baldie.” He ruffled the shorn-short hair and Maddox choked out a sound of disbelief.
“Hey! I hardly had a choice in my hair.”
“He never took care of it when it grew out. I tried, but it’s as thick as a stallion's mane and prone to getting in the way.”
“He’s not wrong. I’d probably overheat in a proper forge if I tried to grow it out again.” Maddox relented with a sigh.
“Pass me the reins.” Samson put his hand out expectantly.
“What? You’re going to walk beside the horse while we ride?”
“It’s only for an hour. Mela’s older, but I don’t trust any other young buck to handle valuable cargo.” Samson chuckled. Maddox laughed even as Anders gave him an unimpressed look.
“We aren’t cargo . And I’m certain I can manage a smooth ride with Maddox for the hour.” Samson rolled his eyes.
“Don’t be stubborn. My horse, my rules. I’m leading the troops as it is.” Anders grumbled even as he handed the reins over. He couldn’t argue with that.
“Templars! Move out!” Samson barked and slowly, the troops shifted into gear, a small pat to Mela’s rear getting her moving. It wasn’t a fast pace, but it was steady as they broke through to a dirt path, Samson leading the way. The wagon pulled along behind them in the centre, flanked by a few dozen men, Declan included, Anders noted. He was one of few he could name, even if he couldn’t quite label him as familiar yet.
Anders took hold of the horn to keep Maddox and himself steady, chin hooked over the younger’s shoulder as Mela trotted along. Maddox seemed in awe of every little thing as they went, pointing out leaves of differing colours and tracks made by animals off the dirt part. At some point he turned his gaze up towards the sky, insisting they find shapes in the clouds. Maddox was creative in what he could see, while Anders insisted everything was a cat or darkspawn-related shape.
Samson surprised them both by pointing at one cloud and declaring it shaped like a rat. Neither could argue because it really did look like a rat. A very ugly one unfortunately, like most rats in Kirkwall. Anders was adamant it would be swallowed whole by the giant round cat cloud beside it, and after a few minutes, he was proven correct, even if Samson grumbled that the cat looked more like a dog.
After almost two hours, having lost track of time, Mela finally complained about their combined weight and they were exiled to the wagon. Maddox sighed about it, but he seemed content to stick his head out and watch the world pass them by. Anders removed his coat around midday while the sun was at its peak, and Maddox offered him a needle and thread from his desk so he could patch it up. They filled the hours with mindless chatter as Anders worked meticulously to make the robe look as unblemished as possible.
“So, I’ve been thinking. What is the story? You said you were raised in the Anderfels but then went to Kinloch at twelve. Why so late?”
Anders sighed softly as he tied off the thread and pursed his lips. He bit the thread to break it off and toyed with the wool. His mother used to embroider in her free time. He wished he had the patience to learn when he was younger. He only knew the basics of mending, enough to keep his clothes together without looking too shabby.
He wondered if Varric had his mothers pillow. His heart ached to think it might be gone forever, destroyed even.
“Samson was the one who wanted that story. And truthfully, it’s not a story I want to tell twice. Most stories of my time in the Circle I don’t like telling twice, let alone once.” Anders admitted.
“Oh. Sorry.” Maddox looked away, cheeks bursting with colour. Anders pursed his lips. He hadn’t meant to embarrass the other, or make him feel guilty.
“Do you remember your parents? Your family?”
“A little. I went to the Circle when I was ten. My uh, my magic was pretty weak so it took a bit for my parents to realise why the fire kept reigniting when I wanted to keep forging with them rather than go to bed.” Maddox smiled wryly. “I had visitations and letters for a while. Then they stopped. New Knight-Commander, new rules.” Maddox sighed and looked out at the Templars riding behind the wagon. They kept a fair distance from them, some semblance of privacy, he supposed.
“Your parents lived in Kirkwall, didn’t they? Do you think they’re still there?”
“Maybe. I hope not. Kirkwall is…” Maddox shuddered. “It’s a place that just feels wrong. All the time. Yet it’s so hard to leave once you’re there. That’s what it feels like at least. Isn’t that weird?”
“No. I think I get it.” Anders hadn’t been able to leave either. All the wrongness, all the injustice, it drew Justice and him to stay. Anders could almost call it home. Outside Kinloch, which certainly wasn’t home, or the Anderfels, a home he could only remember for the most part in retellings now rather than memories, it had to be the one place he settled in the longest in his forty years of life. He made friends there, worked a job he liked most of the time, and quite literally made history.
“Do you think after this you would like to see them?” Anders asked curiously.
“I…yeah. I guess so. I don’t know. There’s not exactly any bad blood between us, I guess. They gave me to the Gallows because they assumed that’s where I needed to be to learn about my magic. They trusted the Chantry sisters when they confessed about my magic, when they said I’d be safest there, amongst my own people. Plus, they weren’t nobles who could pay to keep me a secret.” He shrugged. “I just don’t remember much of them anymore. It’s all vague recollections, like stories I’ve read before and can summarise for others now.”
“I understand. I really do.” Anders smiled, but he knew it wasn’t genuine. It probably looked twisted and sad. He heaved himself up from his side of the wagon and took three steps across to plop down beside Maddox. He smiled in return and leaned into the mage, resting his head on Anders shoulder like it was the easiest thing in the world. Maddox closed his eyes and let the tension leave his body with a slow exhale.
“I do miss them. Or the idea of them. And maybe one day I’ll get the courage to go see them again, but it feels too late. It’s been twenty years.” Anders slipped his arm around his shoulders and hummed.
“Yeah.”
“For all I know, they moved on. Had another kid.”
“ Yeah .”
“…Do you miss your parents?” Maddox asked softly. “Even after so long away from them?”
“I…miss my mother. I think I always will.”
“Did you ever try to find her? After you left your Circle.”
“Oh, plenty of times.” Anders chuckled bitterly. “But I could never remember the way home. It was too far to get on foot. And I knew I wouldn’t be welcomed back. Not while my old man was kicking.”
“You think he still is?”
“It wouldn’t matter.” Anders shook his head and blinked at the prickle in his eyes. “I’m not…my mami’s little boy anymore. I’m not human anymore, not really. It’s been too long. Whatever life she has now, it’s better to let her live it in peace. Without me.”
Even if it broke his heart. Even if a part of him would always yearn for his mother, even if it was only an idealistic version of her in his head.
“If you could find her, would you go to her?”
“Maddox,” Anders sighed heavily and thunked his head back against the wagon. “She hasn’t seen me since I was twelve. I…I wouldn’t even be able to prove it was me anymore.”
“What? Just…introduce yourself. She raised you, she’ll remember you.” Maddox frowned.
“I don’t know my name, Maddox.” Anders pursed his lips. “I don’t remember it.”
“You- but your…your name is Anders, isn’t it?” The younger turned his head to look up at him, a small pinch between his brows. Anders avoided his gaze.
“ ‘The Anderfels Boy ’. That’s what the Templars called me because I was so terrified, so distraught , that I refused to speak to them. Couldn’t speak to them. I barely knew the Trade tongue, my father raised us to speak our native tongue out of pride — which I’ve all but forgotten, too. I didn’t say more than a few sentences for almost two years. ” It was only because of Karl’s efforts that he dared to try again. Karl’s patience as he learnt how to curl his tongue around words he had barely grasped at as a child, and was then forced to master.
“Anders…I- I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” Maddox looked at him with so much sorrow, like he could feel Anders' pain as acutely as his own. Hazel eyes swam with emotion, round and doe-like. Anders closed his eyes so he didn’t have to look at it.
“This is why that story should only be told once. Don’t ask me to say any more. Not right now.”
“Of course. I— We can just…be quiet for a bit.” Anders hummed softly in agreement. After a moment of silence, Maddox hesitantly rested his head on his shoulder once more. Anders rubbed his shoulder with a soft quirk of his lip, pressing his cheek to his head in return. They remained there for a time, enjoying the quiet company.
He tried not to think of the barn. The mental reconstruction of a farmhouse he couldn’t remember anymore. He tried to conjure a name that spoke to him, something that might click, but it never did, just as his mother tongue would never return to him. He tried to remember his mothers voice. His fathers shredding anger and meek fear would always plague him in the back of his mind, but he wanted nothing more than to remember her love in such crystal clear fashion.
He closed his eyes and tried to imagine her. Her blond hair, curling at the ends over her shoulders. Her soft eyes crinkled in the corners — what colour had they been? He couldn’t remember. Brown like his own? Her lips, thin with a pointed cupid's bow. Always curved up in a smile. He could imagine all these things separately yet when he tried to put it together it never looked right. He sighed.
Then gently, as if nudged to the surface from somewhere deep within his mind, a memory unfurling, not of her face, but of her hair ticking his face, soft lips pressed against his forehead. He felt warm, cosy, content. Safe .
“ Mein Sonnenschein. Schlafen…”
“Sonnen…” He mumbled to himself, the word lingering in his mind.
Neither could say when they fell asleep, but both couldn’t help but think it was nice to wake up entangled with another person after so many years waking alone.