Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It was a warm sunny day and Oliver dialtown was going to Dialtowns local Mcdonalds.
“Oh yes, Mcdonalds sounds wonderful. I hope nothing bad happens.” Oliver Dialtown said as he opened the doors to the Mcdonalds, where Bo Burnham was giving birth, Thomas Jefferson and Whizzer Brown were hooking up, and Chonny Jash was eating a burger next to Will Wood as Pet Symmetry played in the background. “Oh yes this is a totally normal day and nothing bad will happen!” Oliver Dialtown said as he waltzed up to order station thing (I forgot what it was called…)

“Welcome to Mcdonalds, what can I get for ya?” Leon Tremblay from the hit game 811 said. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….. I’ll get a uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a quarter pounder with no cheese and nothing else but the patties like no bread or anything.” Oliver Dialtown said while hitting the griddy slowly like the alpha he is. “Okay that’ll be uhh 500 dollars.” Leon Tremblay from the hit game 811 said. “ZOO WEE MAMA!!!” Oliver Dialtown said while reaching in his pocket for a paperclip cause they cost the same amount right? Oliver Dialtown pays for the quarter pounder and Leon Tremblay from the hit game 811 hands him the number tag thing and Oliver dialtown griddys to a table and sits next to Bowtie0 from the hit server Jashverse 2.0 and Vesper from the other hit server The jasher power hour.
“So erm!!!! Are yall skibidi?” Oliver Dialtown asks. “Typical beta behavior….” Vesper says while signaling for Bowtie0 and him to leave.

“ORDER NUMBER 69? QUARTER POUNDER NO BUN NOTHING ON IT?” Bill Cipher from the hit tv show gravity falls screams across the mcdonalds. “Thats me!” Oliver Dialtown griddys over to the counter accidentally trampling Neo/Sam69 from the hit server jashverse 2.0 in the process. “Uh yea thats my food buckeroo dont even try.” Anyways vro griddys over to the counter but just as he was about to grab his delicious food…. Don Pollos dogs bust open the doors and the doors crush chonny jash and will wood who were eating together. “IS THAT….DON POLLOS DOGS?!?!?!?!?!?!” Oliver Dialtown screams in terror as Bill Cipher from the hit tv show gravity falls and Leon Trembley from the hit game 811 sprint out the drive thru window. And just as Oliver dialtown was about to follow the two.. One of Don Pollos dogs sprints up to Oliver dialtown and eats him in one mega bite. And then, when everyone thought that was that……. The dogs start eating the entire mcdonalds with everyone inside…

“Oh mein gott!!!!! That is spooky story oh noes..” Ryker Dublin from the hit game 811 said while taking off his headphones as a message on the bus intercom thing turned on. “ ATTENTION PASSENGERS. WE WILL BE ARRIVING IN LIKE………………………1 SECOND BRACE FOR IMPACT UPON STOPPING THIS BUS DOESNT WORK RIGHT AND I PISSED IN THE GAS TANK FOR IT TO RUN AND IT KINDA WORKED IG….. SIMON OUT FOR NOW.” The intercom practically screeched across the bus before the bus came to a sharp stop sending Ryker and all of the passengers flying forward. “OKAY CHAT WERE HERE JUST LIKE GET OFF IN LESS THEN A MINUTE OR YOUR GOING TO THE NEXT STOP IN…..BRITIAN?????” The intercom screeched once more as Ryker and the other passengers got off of the bus. And as Rkyer walked out, there was a beated up, probably half eaten, scratched sign that said “WELCOME TO DIALTOWN” also with the words “you fucks” written in red spray paint obviously melting off from heat or something idk its dialtown.. Anyways Ryker enters dialtown like the sigma he is and just kinda slightly mutters smthn along the lines of “Its time to fight god..”

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*Ryker had been walking around the multiverse for some fucking reason i cant explain why when he had gotten a call on his phone. He stopped in his tracks and immediately feel into a random ass universe while answering the phone call.* “Hey uh who is this..?” Ryker said as he held the phone close to his ear trying to listen with the shitty cell service this universe had.
“Hey this is Bill Cipher, Leons Coworker and i have some news. “And what is this news??” Ryker said kinda annoyed with Bill's voice tbh, he sounds like an infant. “So erm you know that Don Pollo guy right? Well his dogs attacked and ate the entire Mcdonalds, and while Leon was trying to escape through the drive through window, he erm didn't make it. Like he got eaten and shit it was insane watching that stuff from outside.” Bill said decently casual but still trying to sound somewhat “empathetic”. “This is the second time i swear to gawd… Do you know who did it??”

“Well I know that apparently someone had ‘summoned’ Don’s dogs to go and attack that specific Mcdonalds…Don said he just called himself “God” and lived around some weird dialtown area..” Bill said, slightly hesitant.

“Well thank you for the information Mr Cipher, I now know who’s ass i need to beat.” Ryker said as he hung up the phone not letting Bill say anything more while he began magically searching through the cosmos or some shit. He had first landed in a desert town seemingly inside a fucking radio booth thing. There had been another man with blond hair and dressed like a loser talking into a microphone about seemingly really crack addict like shit. Ryker tapped on his shoulder and the man turned to him. “ Well look here listeners! We seem to have a seemingly unexpected guest..!” The man said with the most insanely violent glare 3 eyes could give someone.
“Yea I just need to know where dialtown is..” Ryker said kinda creeped out tbh. “Alright so you gotta take one turn left and then go up then right and then 4 paces from the green eye shaped universe, NOT the purple one. If you see the purple one again your going in circles. Go right from the eye and then you should be there!” The man said slowly turning away from Ryker still staring at him though. “Alright…thanks?” Ryker said while continuing his venture to find this so called dialtown. He followed all the steps and thought he was there, but when he entered the universe he spawned into a bus. As he looked up at the glowing sign on the bus it read “NEXT STOP, DIALTOWN “ in bold white lights almost as blinding as a google docs page.. “Well i sure know where im heading to..” Ryker said while getting comfortable on the seat, trying to distract from the violently bright sign. Ryker turned to his left to see some blue haired nerd looking ass bitch. “Ew what is that…” Ryker mumbled to himself before turning away.

Anyways bye chat

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As Ryker walked around dialtown they had been searching everywhere for the bastard that killed his father (again???)

“Where is that fucker >: [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Ryker mumbled as they searched all around dialtown. Still unable to find this supposed “god” and his location. Ryker somehow ended up within what they like to call “The place in which hells pit opens.” or for the sake of our dear readers, uptown dialtown.

Ryker eventually stumbled upon a cinema whilst walking around Dialtown and had decided to walk inside, hoping this asshole would be there. But to their surprise.... he wasn't. Instead, there had been a man with an erm!!!! Cellphone on his head, they had noticed that everyone in dialtown so far had some form of object head which was just weird to them.

“Alright what the skibidi sigma....” Ryker said as they stared at the man Infront of him. Oliver looked at Ryker and scoffed while muttering the word “beta” under his breath. Turns out he didn't say it low enough for them to not hear. “WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME YOU OHIO CITIZEN??????” Ryker said signaling for Ryker and him to fight cause idk they wanted to square up. “YOU WANNA GO YOU KNOCKOFF SIMON HENRIKSON ASS BITCH????” Oliver yelled as he jumped onto the counter about to lunge at Ryker. “YEAH, I WANNA GO YOU FLANNEL WEARIN’ ASS WHORE.” Oliver proceeded to lunge at Ryker from the counter and they both started fighting like Jersey Shore women, scratching, and biting.. Oliver nearly ripping Ryker's wig off of their head, Ryker trying to rip off Olivers head. Somehow, they were both fighting so hard the floor couldn't even stick to them it just left a LOT of residue on their clothes.

Oliver reached for Rykers wig and SNATCHED that bitch off. “MY WIG!!!” Ryker screamed as they body slammed Oliver into the floor before he scurried away like a rat. “YEAH, HOBO DONT TOUCH MY WIG AGAIN.” Ryker yelled in victory while adjusting their wig and emoting. BUT THEN!!!!!!! Mr. Dickens spawns out of the depths of tax evasion hell and punches Ryker directly into the wall while Oliver and Gabreil Ultrakill watched in silence and the need for insane amounts of beef between a person trying to kill ‘god’ and a person who owns a movie theater.

Ryker gets up from the wall and reaches for their bible whilst Dickens begins to walk closer, clearly plotting evil. “Excuse me sir but I believe my bible is not working properly; do you mind checking the pages for me? Ryker said with the silliest eyes ever, stopping dickens in his tracks as he reached for the bible. “Well of course person who I was just fighting!

Dickens opened the bible and began flipping through the pages before his nuts felt weird......There was a short silence before the faint sounds of a crack from his pants before he fell to the floor wailing in pain. Ryker, Oliver, and Gabriel stared at Dickens in shock before Oliver screeched. “YOU JUST BROKE MY FATHERS NUTS??????? IM GONNA TELL MY OTHER DAD THAT HAS A GUN ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“OH MON DI

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EVERYONE THIS IS A CONJUCTION OF DIFERENT EPISODE TOPICS!! (This will not follow cannon lore!!!!!! It's a joke fic chat...) a

Wolves cannot detect Arsonists, its scientifically proven, what does this mean?

Welcome to Night Vale.

The Night Vale Daily Journal has now stated that they will be using metal to print out all publications to help Night Vale with its recycling issue, but the Weekend Edition will still be utilizing paper. The Night Vale Daily urges readers to begin turning in their read publications to their local bear for recycling purposes and not a scheme to continue feeding bears things they should not be eating so they can “turn into cool robot thingies”.

....

On another note, dear listeners, November 10th is cutting closer which means the Night Vale stadium will be soon opened for the annual parade of the Mysterious Hooded Figures which also means that they shall be lurking much more often around their designated areas. This year is sure to be a spectacle for which a new ominous hooded figure has arrived in Night Vale, who has now been within alleyways eating small rodents and sometimes dogs!

I have just remembered, it's time for the 7-day outlook.

Monday: Mindaro. Tuesday: Pale-Dogwood. Wednesday: Aquamarine. Thursday: Void. Friday: Mindaro with the slight chance of void in the morning. Saturday: Scarlet. Sunday: Sky-Magenta with high chances of Turquoise in the afternoon.

Listeners, we are currently receiving reports that books have begun working once more. If your book is still sparking, having a “meat smell", attempting to and/or biting, or Lethal Gas, the City Council urges you to turn the “book” into the Night Vale sheriff's Secret Police at the Play Ball sporting goods for reasons unknown. Possibly for higher levels of investigation but don’t take my word on it.

[insert frantic paper rustling etc. Etc. And then Cecil straight up falling out of his chair into fuckifnd dialtown???????//]

[insert silence with faint static before it cuts out yay!!]

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As Cecil spawned, he firstly noticed Jonathan Sims reading a statement and eating a burger.. That wasnt right.. JONATHAN SIMS WAS BRITISH???!?!?! “THOSE RED COATS COULDN’T EVEN SAY BOTTLE OF WATER RIGHT, THEY CAN’T TAKE OUT CULTUTRE.1!!!!!!” Cecil thought to himself, slowly getting up from the utterly sticky floors of the cinema.

Cecil pointed at Jonathan Sims, still eating his burger, sharing it with Martin Blackwood, his unofficial husband but was the one he died with so it was just kinda... fannon now ig. Well anyways.. Cecil pointed an Jonathan until he actually acknowledged him, and when he did he just stared at him with his many eyes.

“GAYBOY OF THE ARCHIVES, I CHALLENGE THEE TO A DUEL” Cecil screams.

“Wait what...” Jon says, confused as hell

“YOU HEARD ME, NOW PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM YOU HOMOSAPIEN!” He screams once more, getting ready to lunge at Jon.

Jon prepares by just standing there, leaving time for Cecil to attack like a feral librarian.

The two fight, blood pooling all over the precious carpet of the cinema, this angers it.

The fighting eventually causes a tornado somehow, so of course the news were going to report it.

“This is the Mandela County local news channel, here to report to the scene of two gay men fighting over who has the better husband.” Mark Heathcliff says, holding the microphone like a gun to the camera somehow.

Insert the kinda shit you would see of those guys in the eye of a hurricane almost falling over n shit

“HERE WE ARE, AT THE DIALTOWN CINMEA, LIVE AT THE SCENE. AND OH BOY THIS IS ONE FIGHT! THE UTTER FORCE OF TWO GAY MEN FIGHTING BARE HANDED, WAIT NO, BARE NAKED, IS SO STRONG IT CAUSED A TORNADO THAT IS COMING STRAIGHT FOR GRAVITY FALLS. WE’VE GOT A GUST OF WIND AT ABOUT 1462 MILES PER HOUR GOING ON HERE. ACTUALLY I DON’T KNOW.. I DON’T WORK HERE......” Mark says, holding onto the microphone properly now, but having to hold onto a chair that was bolted onto the floor to prevent.... BILLY from stealing it from the pure alpha force of the fighting.

And suddenly... another fight breaks out...

From afar, it looked just like a big fatass blue fuckin ugly ass whore fish and a super hot angel dude beating the shit out of each other. Thats because it was.

Another news reporter pulls up, actually wait no.... two more.

IT WAS JONAH MAGNUS AND ARTHUR LESTER???!!?!?!?

The two strutted up to the scene, recording the fight between Sebastian and Gabriel.

“And we are live!” Jonah said as Arthur half ass pointed the camera to the fight or at least where he thought it was, John didn’t wanna help him with this one. They had a argument like all semi-functional couples do.

Mark stared at Jonah and Arthur in anger, the cameraman still pointing the camera and Jon and Cecil fighting for their fucking lives for the cameraman to be... GUNPOWDER TIM!??1#11/!?!//!

“HEY YOU1!!!!” Mark yells to Jonah, pointing at him like those stupid fucking jojo poses.

Jonah stops reporting and turns to Mark, whispering to Arthur to just report the news himself.

“WHADDYA WANT FAG?” Jonah yells back to Mark

“THIS IS ME AND TIMS SHOW SO SHOO, GO FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO RECORD!!!!” Mark says, putting his hands on his hips like the QUEER he is.

Jonah does that one really cunty bend over or whatever

“ACTUALLY, THIS IS OUR SHOW NOW BUCKO.” Jonah replies, looking Mark up and down like that one person who always does that when talking to you in school.

“And y’know.. Maybe get some drip... You look like you listen to Phonk...” Jonah mumbles, loud enough for mark to hear.

Mark is ENRAGED by this and releases his alpha.

“BOI WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT PHONK?” Mark yells, his alpha coming out by the second.

We’re just gonna move away from that.... cacophony of brainrot that's about to be unleashed...

Galahad says, who has been narrating this entire thing for his podcast.

And just has he says that...

HEART MIND AND SOUL FROM THE HIT ALBUM CHONNYS CHARMING CHAOS COPENDIUM SPAWN OUT OF THE GROUND?!!?!?!?!

“DID SOMEBODY SAY... CACOPHONY?!?!?!!??!!” Soul chonny jash screams while heart and mind beat the shit out of each other.

Soul looks around after Galahad gives him a dirty look and scopes out Jonny D’ville, his husband.

The two lock eyes, D’ville does one of those gayass waves, Soul waves back and walks towards D’ville.

D’ville and Soul embrace, blood still flying everywhere from the multiple fights going on in the cinema that probably shouldn’t fit this many people.

“My husband... I haven’t seen you in years..” Soul says, looking into D’villes eyes.

D’ville sighs and pulls Soul closer, though the height difference brings some complications.

“I know darling, I’ve been busy... you see I’ve been dealing with a death I totally didn’t cause.” D’ville says, looking into the sky or the roof idk man I'm waiting for history to be over..

Soul gasps, “My Jash, who was it?!” He asks, moving away from D’ville.

Okay D’ville was just straight lying atp... this will be relevant not later totally..

“A dear friend of mine, Dr. Carmilla... Fell out of a airlock, oh so young.....” D’ville says, tears welling in his eyes.

And just like that... erm the jash Carmilla spawns out of nowhere.

“T-the one that just spawned?” Soul asks, now staring at Carmilla.

D’ville takes a good look. “Nope, not that one mate.”

Carmilla despawns.

Okay chat I just told some kid D’ville was a drug i am SOBBING vro we got another 30 mins here ahhhhhhhhhh kill meeeeeeeeee...

Cecil and Jon’s fight eventually dies down a slight bit, so Mark and Tim needed something else to report.

A dispute between the two news channels surley wasnt “interesting” to the marvelous audience all four held so highly, so naturally, Mark would quickly direct Gunpowder Tim over to the fight between Johnny Cash and Chonny Jash...

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here ahhhhhhhhhh kill meeeeeeeeee...

Cecil and Jon’s fight eventually dies down a slight bit, so Mark and Tim needed something else to report.

A dispute between the two news channels surely wasn't “interesting” to the marvelous audience all four held so highly, so naturally, Mark would quickly direct Gunpowder Tim over to the fight between Johnny Cash and Chonny Jash...

The two were fighting over who had been a better artist, so naturally instruments were in the mix, and by that, I mean throwing instruments at each other until the other gave out.

Arthur and Jonah were to busy getting closeups of Sebastian and Gabriels fight so it was a open chance for something good, musician fights weren't that “usual” in Mandela, where Gunpowder Tim and Mark definitely originated from.

Someone new in the mix of chaos and blood had spawned, Dr. Pilchard...?

“STOP FIGHTINGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He screamed, as everyone paused, Mark stared at him and directed Tim to point the camera at Pilchard.

“This just in, a mysterious faggot has appeared, seemingly resenting the constant chaos. People are staring and looking at him, some confused and some angry, very few agreeing with hi-” Mark says before getting cut off by someone yelling at Pilchard, Colin Becher to be exact.

“MAN SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Colin yells at Pilchard, silence fills the room for mere seconds before others chime in.

One man, Dr. David from the hit episode 177 of the magnus archives lifts a vase. IT WAS THE FUCKING HOMOPHOBIC VASE???!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Well anyways David throws the vase at Pilchard, and he just fucking disappears.

Galahad drops his microphone, shocked that he just saw his husband get eaten by a vase

“MY FUCKING HUSBAND?!?!?!” He screams, through the short yet painful silence, just for his mourning and sobs to be cut off from cheers from everyone inside the cinema.

As Galahad walks towards the vase and grabs it, he feels another fucking breeze, which pisses him off..

“THE FUCKING BREEZE??!?!?!?!?!? ITS SUMMERTIME WHY IS THIS ALWAYS HAPPENING/?!?!?!?!”

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Ggyatt –ryker

GET OUT!!!!!

Meanwhile in Raccoon city, where everyone magically spawned into. IT WAS CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!! Although, this did not hinder the fighting between everyone, as from the abyss emerged a wild Ethan Winters holding hands with Sebastian Solace....

Leon Kennedey walked up to the two, his face full of shock. “S-SEBASTIAN?! HOW COULD YOU? AFTER ALL THESE YEARS YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH HIM?!”

Sebastian scoffed, turning to look at Leon. “Oh, spare me from the drama, I know your twink ass is with Lancelot!”

Leon was cheating on Sebastian with Lancelot, yes. But he wasn’t a TWINK.

“I’m no twink! I can’t believe that you would ever call me that, after all we’ve been through!” Leon yelled, still not confronting the fact that he literally cheated on him for Mr. Rifle over there.

“Don’t deny it gayboy! You’re literally half naked as we speak!” Sebastian yelled back, releasing his grip from Ethans hand.

“And plus, you never called!” He added on.

Leon gasped, absolutely shocked by Sebastians rudeness, not even the accusation!

Well let's move on from THAT and let a homophobic fish and a cop beat the shit out of each other....

As I was saying, it was Christmas Tim in Raccoon city, which obviously meant all the zombies gathered at the mall and wore Christmas hats!! So, our favorite little characters here don’t need to worry about that.

Willia Afton and a fish kiss proudly,

Luis Serra and mind chonny jash hold hands under a rising sun,

Ryker Dublin and Oliver swift beat the shit out of each other

The end (for now)