Chapter Text
When Hoseok walked into their shared apartment, he was greeted by a sight that warmed his heart to its core. He really didn’t want to see it anymore. It would make a good memory, but wasn’t something he liked to encounter every single fucking day. Ever since he could remember, (which was about two years ago for one and one year for the other), there had been very few days when the scene had been different.
Meet his roommates, Kim Taehyung and Kim Namjoon, currently sitting at opposite ends of the living room - Namjoon on a couch and Taehyung on the floor (again!) - reading.
And reading is a healthy habit. Hoseok knew that. He really did. But it was one thing to have a healthy habit, and quite another to take it to the point of obsession. These two had been doing the latter. They had been at it ever since Hoseok had come to know them. It was University for god’s sake. Once they graduated, they’d really get sucked into adulting. And instead of living a little, these two were always at home after classes, engrossed in whatever piece of shit had managed to catch their fancy that afternoon. Hoseok was done.
“Hey living statues of the house!” he called out to the two beings, still totally unaware of his entry. If a thief managed to learn their door code, they would be able to leave with everything they stole, completely unscathed, provided these two were warming their two respective corners of the room. Oblivious to the real world - one resided in the world of sea creatures, the other in the world of art. Kim Namjoon studied marine biology, was a genius with his words, learned new languages by watching sitcoms, and broke things unintentionally. Kim Taehyung studied fine art, sang to himself when he thought no one was listening, made weird art which he dubbed his masterpieces, and pouted his way out of everything.
No, they were not brothers. Thankfully.
None of them were allowed in the kitchen. And both of them clearly wanted Hoseok to be bored to death in his early twenties.
He fucking loved them.
But he could kill them right now.
“I said hello!”
Two heads turned towards him as if they’d just noticed him for the first time. “Oh there you are Hoba. Are you back early today?” Namjoon asked.
“Yes! Here I am. And no my friend, it’s already evening. You know, you would’ve been able to tell if you’d cared to look outside or realised that the lights came on.”
“Ohh, I got carried away reading this really interesting book about lobsters and didn’t notice,” he sheepishly responded.
“That’s brand new information!” Hoseok quoted from Namjoon’s favourite sitcom.
“I’m hungry, hi hyung,” Taehyung managed to get a word in.
“Taehyungah? When did you get here?” Namjoon was shocked.
“I… uhh. Have been here all day. I didn’t have classes today.”
“So Joonie walked in and didn’t notice you, and you didn’t even tell him you were here?”
“I… figured he didn’t want to talk to me maybe. Happens.” Taehyung shrugged.
Namjoon opened his mouth to say something, but Hoseok noticed the crumpled pieces of paper in the corner of the room and gestured for him to stop. They exchanged a knowing glance. It was one of Taehyung’s bad days. They were not new to them. It was something they had picked up on over the past year of living with the younger boy, despite the fact he’d never really been open to them about it. Taehyung wasn’t a talkative person. He didn’t talk out of turn, or have much to say about anything. But on rare days when the three of them got talking, he always participated. Not just that, he came up with these unique pieces of information about different fields, be it about sea creatures that sent Namjoon furiously typing away on search engines to know more or about anecdotes in the history of dance that sent Hoseok’s head reeling.
But there was nothing he knew more of than music, and the least he talked about was art. They used to find it strange till they got used to how quirky Taehyung really was and had fallen in love with his quiet, intelligent, thoughtful aura.
Usually, you wouldn’t find a freshman living with two second-year students. Namjoon and Hoseok had taken this boy in on special request from Namjoon’s parents. Joon had never met Tae before, having lived all his life in Seoul. Tae had lived for quite some time in Daegu where Joon’s parents were originally from. Joon and Hobi had been fast friends ever since they’d found themselves as roommates in this apartment and when Tae had come into the equation, they had both instinctively taken to babying him. The boy had the face and the aura of a pampered kid, though he never acted like one. He was a helpful and thoughtful boy if only a little lost.
He couldn’t cook to save his life, so he would do the dishes every day. He wasn’t great at laundry, so he would always go grocery shopping. His painting sprees sometimes lasted longer than planned, so he always left a note for his hyungs not to worry. It was only when he lost himself in his own world that it would worry the two older boys. Hoseok used to think of Namjoon as the personification of the word ‘introvert’. But ever since he’d met Taehyung, he’d given that title to the younger boy.
Being the only extrovert stuck between two introverts was hard, and sometimes Hoseok really felt the pressure. Luckily, his dance team was a great outlet for all his outgoing energy. A dance major, Hoseok was expressive, and loved making new friends. He was equally popular among seniors and juniors, not just as the lead dancer of the University team, but also as the one who knew how to keep the team in line. Even though everyone was aware of his sunshine personality, they also knew that the one thing Jung Hoseok never compromised on was quality. That had been instrumental in leading the University to win multiple competitions ever since he’d shown up on the scene. He loved being out and about. And he had tried really hard to get the other two to go out and really experience University life as well. However, he had failed miserably at it.
The toughest part was getting Taehyung out of the house. Whenever they did manage, Taehyung tended to make himself small and tried to hide behind his two hyungs. In diners or cafes he would choose the corner seat hidden from view. Unless it was for University, groceries or meals, bringing Taehyung outside was an ordeal and Hoseok had almost given up. It wasn’t that tough with Namjoon. Usually, it only took about five days of pursuit.
Kim Namjoon was the quintessential genius with a 148 IQ and a heart of gold. He had a heart to match the size of that grey matter. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that Namjoon was really the reason they all lived harmoniously together… the very reason why they came together in the first place. The son of an equally generous set of parents, Namjoon made their lives easier by just existing in it. He was warm, understanding and the least judgemental person you could ever meet. True, he could get lost in explaining things that no one really needed to know. But one look at his dimpled, excited face, and you would be ready to listen to why he thought clownfish and anemones were best friends. (They really are). But he was only that unhinged around Hoseok, and now Taehyung. Otherwise, getting him to talk to strangers, making new friends or taking him out of the house was an ordeal you wouldn’t want to wish upon yourself.
With Taehyung it was even worse. He was always quiet, almost as if he didn't want anyone to remember that he existed. Till date, Namjoon and Hoseok had only been inside of his room about twice, and the first thing they’d noticed had been the series of photographs placed face down on his bedside table. They never brought it up with him because they realised that Taehyung was a private person.
There were certain times when Taehyung went quiet the whole day, he didn’t eat, didn’t do anything, just sat in a corner and tried to sketch. He never got that done either, and ended up crumpling all the papers. On those days, he would be in a strange, melancholic mood. Nothing got through to him. And it used to get his roommates really worried. But as it happened, through a stroke of luck, on one such gloomy day, Hoseok had brought home a takeaway of japchae on his way back home from practice, and that had been the first time he had seen a smile on Taehyung’s face. The two older boys had watched him fondly as the youngest gobbled up his dinner willingly. They made a note of it and used it as their foolproof plan to make their maknae smile (and eat) on his bad days. Today wasn’t going to be any different.
“Let’s not eat at home today. Let’s go out and get some food,” Hoseok chirped.
“Out?” Namjoon was horrified as if Hoseok had suggested they visit hell and not a restaurant.
“Yes, out. Tae is hungry and I don’t feel like cooking for you two.” He motioned at Namjoon to make him notice the pieces of paper and watched his expression change to one of understanding.
“Of course! Tae you want some japchae? Let’s go then.”
“Could we not order in?” Taehyung almost pleaded.
“We could, but we won’t. Let’s go. It’s hyung’s treat today,” Namjoon insisted.
And it was an unwritten rule that if Namjoon asked to go out, Taehyung couldn’t refuse. Some weird introvert pact shit they had going between themselves that Hoseok didn’t at all want to be part of. And thereby, they found themselves walking to the diner closest to their apartment to grab some dinner. Ordering a japchae for Taehyung, Hoseok took one look at Namjoon’s face and let go of his craving for some seafood, settling for kimchi fried rice instead.
Most times, Namjoon was oblivious. But when he reconnected with the outer world, he became really receptive. His coordination though, hardly managed to catch up with his head. So when he went to nudge Hoseok while they were eating, he ended up knocking the salt shaker off the table. Hoseok got the hint anyway. He’d become so attuned to Namjoon after two years of living with him, that they hardly needed words to communicate. “Tae, eat. Your food is getting cold, little one.” That broke the trance Taehyung had been in since the food had been served. He went back to eating. “Sowrie hyung,” he said in his muffled voice, mouth full of noodles, “I was uh… thinking about something. I was… what was I thinking about?”
“It will come back to you,” Hoseak said with practiced ease. “What did you do all day today?”
“I was reading this book on art which made me want to sketch, so I started sketching but… I couldn't compl….uhh…nothing turned out good. So I kept trying and trying and… then I gave up. After that I suddenly realised that I had left the chapter unfinished so I went back to reading.”
“And what did you eat?”
“I… that’s why I said I was hungry”
“Taehyungah!”
“I didn’t remember, I swear!”
Hoseok sighed. It wasn’t like this was new. Over the past year, he’d seen Taehyung zone out more often than not. He often wondered what triggered the younger boy into such a mood.
“Hobi-hyung!” a familiar, but unexpected voice startled him out of his thoughts. He turned and spotted the new transfer student. A recent addition to his team, this one had already captured quite a few hearts with his flawless movements, willingness to work hard, and cheerful personality, not to mention his cuteness. Everyone in the dance team just loved Park Jimin.
“Didn’t expect to run into you here!”
“Hey there, are you here for dinner too Jiminah?”
While they spoke, two things happened at once. Jimin said something, but the sound of his voice was drowned by a loud clatter. And Taehyung's cutlery now lay on the floor.
♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬
“Ji… Jimin? Park Jimin?” Taehyung stuttered.
“Kim Taehyung, is that you? What on earth!” Jimin exclaimed.
Hoseok didn’t even know how to react to the scene unfolding in front of his eyes as Jimin moved everything that fell in his way, even a much-bigger-than-himself Namjoon, to get to Taehyung and hug him like he would vanish into thin air if he let him go. Taehyung looked like he needed the floor to open up and swallow him whole. Namjoon had miraculously saved himself from sweeping all pieces of cutlery from the table onto the floor.
“Where did you disappear to Taetae? Do you have any idea how much I missed you? Its been three fucking years since I last saw you, you know that? Why didn’t you ever call? You changed your number, I can’t find you on SNS. Do you have any idea how much I’ve looked for you?”
“I’m… uh… sorry. I had to… uh… sorry”
“Well. Very articulate. Can’t believe that you, out of all the people in the world, are struggling with words. Is it the shock of seeing me? It would be, right? You must have missed me too, just like I missed you my soulmate! Gosh, I am so damn happy to see you! Thank god I decided to come here today. Thank god I chose to take up dance major. Thank god I made friends with Hobi hyung, who made friends with you. But wait, why did Hobi hyung make friends with you? You’re not a dance major Taetae, then you would’ve been in my class. Is this a new hobby you share with him? Hobi hyung, how do you know Taetae?” Jimin spoke in one breath.
“Woah. Breathe Jiminie. He’s my roommate”
“Roommate?”
“Yeah. We live together. Taehyung and I. And that's Namjoon by the way, the one you almost bulldozed over. The three of us live in this apartment a few blocks away.”
“Roommate?”
“I believe that’s what I said.”
“But…” Jimin looked from Hoseok to Taehyung, and back to Hoseok again, bewildered. “You said you live with the kings of introverts.”
“Yeah”
“Taetae is the exact opposite of introverts. What are you talking about?”
“Who is the exact opposite of what?” Namjoon almost shrieked because he’d lost it. “Are we talking about the same person? Tae, do you have an identical twin or something?”
Taehyung. Taehyung wasn’t talking. His head hung low, and he refused to look up, as if he refused to acknowledge the conversation. Hoseok reached out to Taehyung, and he flinched. Figuring out that something was wrong. Hoseok pulled his chair closer to the boy. “Want to go home Tae?” Taehyung nodded his head.
He turned to a bewildered Jimin who was just watching their interactions like something strange was unfolding in front of his eyes, “I think something’s wrong, Jimin. We’ll take our leave today. I will see you at training tomorrow, okay?”
“Is he okay? Is he not feeling well or something? Has he, has he seen a doctor? You, you don’t understand Hobi hyung, we are his childhood friends. We have known him since we were kids. We went to school together. Please tell me he’s okay?” Jimin was panicking.
Taehyung had almost turned to walk out of the eatery when he turned, “We? We who, Jimin?”
Jimin’s head snapped to Taehyung, and he walked up to him, as if he had found the opening he was desperately looking for, “Tae. Taetae. We transferred here together. Into the dance program. We transferred together. Jeonggukie. And me. He’s here too, Tae. He’s here too.”
“Jeon Jeongguk?” Taehyung looked like he’d been slapped across his face.
“Do you know any other Jeongguk?”
“He… he’s here?”
“Of course he’s here. He can’t live without me!” Jimin smiled.
Taehyung’s face hardened immediately. “I see,” he said. He turned towards Hobi and said, “let’s go, hyung?”
“Wait. Why are you leaving? Don’t you want to hang out with me? With us? With Jeonggukie and me? He will be so happy to see you! You won’t believe how much he has changed. He’s been…”
“I need to go home, Jimin. I will see you when I see you, I guess. Bye, then.”
♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬
Taehyung was out of the diner before anyone else could get a word in. And as soon as he was out of the door, he started running. Didn’t check for directions, didn’t head home, he just took off, stopping only when his legs refused to work anymore. He was a few blocks away from the uni. Unknowingly, he had taken the route to his comfort place, a clear area near the lake close to the university where not many people came. This wasn’t a beautified, commercialised space, so the crowd was lesser. Most days when Taehyung came here, it would be empty. And he loved that. It’s not that he didn’t like living with Namjoon and Hoseok. He loved it. They were caring, protective, and they had figured out how to deal with his bad days. It wasn’t that he didn’t notice, he just avoided talking about it. What was the use of bringing up things that only broke his heart?
He took out his phone and saw a few missed calls, opened up their GC, and typed out a text reassuring his hyungs that he was fine and that he just needed some time by himself. He would be home in a couple of hours, max. Putting his phone back in his pocket, he took a few wobbly steps forward to find his favourite spot near the lake. It was dark out and he’d seldom been here in the dark. Today, though, the darkness was comforting. He needed to just figure out a way to complete his degree from this university without running into his past. It had been extremely difficult for him to leave it behind and he had no interest in meeting any part of it again.
“Liar”
He whispered to himself as he let himself fall to the ground.
Taehyung had been trying to perfect the art of lying ever since the day he realised his feelings for his best friend weren’t strictly platonic at all. He had tried lying - to himself, and to everyone around him, and failed miserably. Upon failing, he had run away from Busan, his childhood home, to Daegu three years back, to live with his grandmother, and had completed his high school degree from there.
“Coward”
He cursed himself again.
Jimin hadn’t said anything wrong. Well, it was partially right. That too because he didn’t know the entire story. Nobody did. Except for one person. Kim Taehyung wasn’t the opposite of an introvert. He was an ambivert. Had always been. However, the world only knew him as an extrovert. Till three years back. The quiet, lost, withdrawn side of Taehyung had only been revealed to one person. The one person who was not a part of his life anymore.
“All my fault”
Taehyung sighed.
♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬
Taehyung had grown up in a decent, loving environment, if only a little traditional. His parents were simple, hard working people, and they expected the same behaviour from Taehyung. It had taken them a while to settle into a comfortable life, and they didn’t want Taehyung to go through similar issues. So his results were never good enough, no matter how hard he worked. Everytime he brought home a report card, the conversation turned to what could have been better only if he toned himself down, interacted with people less, been more like his best friend, and spent more time studying. Like most parents, they just had Taehyung’s best interests in mind and spoke the words they themselves had grown up hearing, not realising that every word fed into Taehyung’s insecurities bit by bit. He covered it up with being loud and about in school.
By the time Taehyung was in middle school, he was the most insecure person. The only person he had been able to open up to about it, was his best friend - his shelter, his refuge. The only person with whom he did not have to keep up the extrovert act 24/7.
The one topic of conversation in their school that never failed to gather enthusiastic discussions was how the introvert and the extrovert ended up being joined at the hips like that. How did two people, so different from each other, manage to be best friends for almost a decade? How was it possible for chalk and cheese to be soulmates?
For Taehyung it was simple. His best friend got him, and it was the same the other way around. They were each other's safe spaces. Whereas with everyone else he was always scared that they would loathe him for his confusing ambivertedness, with his best friend he could unapologetically be himself. And then, he had to go and fuck that up.
Of course.
Taehyung had always had multiple reasons to hate himself and this was just one of them.
When Taehyung had befriended Jimin at a later stage in life, they had bonded over a shared love for dramatics, sass, and yapping. Jimin was the only extroverted friend with whom Taehyung had ever felt comfortable . Jimin was not just a great friend, but he’d also always given Taehyung space whenever he’d needed it. On the days that he’d needed to be by himself, he’d never had to explain things to Jimin. They’d just picked up where they had left off. Honestly, today Taehyung felt even worse for having cut-off Jimin from his life too. Jimin had been clueless, sending him email after email that Taehyung never read in fear of giving into his weakness. It wasn’t Jimin’s fault that Taehyung had decided to move away. That decision was Taehyung’s as was his decision to keep Jimin in the dark about his whereabouts. He’d had to.
But had he, really?
Fuck, he still didn’t know.
He just knew that in a new city, surrounded by new people, it had been easier to embrace his introvertedness and shove his extroverted side to the back of his existence. Be it Daegu or Seoul, not a single person knew that Taehyung was an ambivert. Not a single person knew his real story. Not a single person knew who he really was. He was living a lie. Embracing his quiet, shy, confused side made him feel closer to the best friend he had lost. In his solitude, he found solace in being closer to what his best friend was like as a person.
It was funny, really. Taehyung scoffed. In running away from the past, Kim Taehyung had in effect reduced himself to living only in his past. He was a skeleton of the person he used to be, occupying the smallest available space in the darkest corners of the rooms he would visit, trying his hardest not to be seen. In that corner, he would sit and read. About art, his class work (because he needed to do better), but mostly about music - keeping up with the latest trends, finding facts, and talking to himself about the trivia he kept learning. When it got too overwhelming, he would share a bit of his knowledge with his hyungs, because the person for whom he was gathering all this knowledge was out of his reach.
Well, was he?
Jimin had said… Of course he’s here! He can’t live without me.
The words had felt like hot lava being poured into Taehyung’s ears. There was a time when he couldn’t live without me either.
Taehyung’s sobs broke the silence surrounding the lake. It had been three fucking years, but it didn’t hurt any less.
He didn’t know how long he sat there and let his tears fall freely. He didn’t even know when they stopped and he was just staring blankly ahead.
“Taehyung? Kim Taehyung is that you?”
That voice. Ohh how Taehyung had yearned for that voice for the past three years. How he had missed the tenderness in the way his name was uttered by that voice. How he had spent day after day playing back the voice recordings on his phone. That voice that made his name feel special. The voice that spoke his name with so much care. The voice that he had left too far behind.
Except, now the voice was too close. Right behind him, in fact. And it sounded concerned.
Fuck.
♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬
What the fuck was he doing here? Taehyung’s mind was racing. But he wasn’t going to look back. He wasn’t. He had left all of this behind for a reason. He had pushed himself to a corner for a reason. He couldn’t undo the past three years’ worth of pain with one action. Though he desperately wanted to. Because the reason for his misery was also his only cure. He sat there resolute, facing the lake.
But Jeon Jeongguk was stubborn. Had always been.
And Taehyung knew that, but he had not been subjected to it for three years now.
“Taehyung, Tae?? Can you please look at me? I can recognise you even if you don’t show me your face.”
“Taetae.”
“Taehyungie! Come on. Don’t force me to come in front of you and make you look at me like I used to.”
Taehyung winced. Memories.
“Taehyungie!! Oh come on… Gee!”
The fucker was really using his ultimate weapon. Because that wasn’t a nickname Taehyung could ever not answer to. He was bound by a pact. Scrap that. He was bound by his own weak heart.
So he did what he had to. Turned around. And scoffed.
Because Jeongguk was sitting behind him, ready to crawl in front. His entire stance was one of impatience. Certain things never change.
“Why the fuck are you here?”
“Because you’re not where you should be”
“Where I am or I am not is none of your business”
“Not when you run out on Jimin leaving him scared to death”
Aah. So this was about Jimin.
“Okay. Tell him I’m sorry for running out. And go back to him. Your work here is clearly done.”
“Why should I apologise on your behalf? You have to come with me and apologise to him yourself. Why should I apologise to him for you? I don’t even have the right.”
Did that sound like hurt, or was Taehyung’s mind going overboard?
“Why is this such a big deal anyway? You all never knew where I was for the past three years. You didn’t care. Why now? Why is this important?”
He turned back around to face the lake, and stiffened his posture for good measure. He would leave this place when he wanted to.
In a flash, Jeongguk was in front of his face. Too close. Too close for Taehyung to be able to look anywhere else. It had been three years and there was no change in the intensity of the reaction this boy drew from him. (That was a lie. His current reaction was more intense and Taehyung couldn’t breathe).
“You have to stop jumping to conclusions, Gee. Come with me. Jimin is very worried. So was I, when I heard you ran off into the dark. Luckily I found this lake on one of my runs and the moment I found it, I thought about you - about how much this is your place. How easily it could turn into our place,” he paused. And Taehyung’s heart stopped at the word ‘our.’ “That’s why I came here directly. It just felt like I’d find you here. I was always good at finding you. Still am. See!”
Every single word pierced into Taehyung’s heart like a knife. He didn’t want to hear them. He desperately needed to hear them. This was still about Jimin, though.
“Ohh come on. Stop pouting. I’m not here just for Jimin. I’m here for me. For you. I haven’t seen you in three years. Three years Gee. Look at me, at least.”
Could someone become a mind reader in three years?
Maybe they could. But Jeongguk had always been able to read Taehyung like an open book from day one. Those eyes looked straight into his soul. And Taehyung had always let them, except when he couldn’t.
⧗⧗⧗
They were known as the ‘unlikely pair’ in school - the extroverted social butterfly nerd with a hidden interest in painting, and the introverted loner athlete with the most beautiful voice. Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jeongguk. Everyone in their school loved Taehyung for his nature. He was kind, friendly, and helpful towards everyone he met. Everyone in their school was in awe of Jeongguk. There was nothing that he didn’t excel in, be it athletics, or music, or dance, or studies. Nothing except for making friends or talking to people. It had been a decade since Taehyung had started walking into and out of school with Jeongguk, remaining glued to him through the day, and people still couldn’t believe it.
Jeongguk’s parents had changed neighbourhoods and moved into the house a couple of doors to Taehyung’s. Taehyung’s mother had dragged him along to meet the new ‘friendly’ neighbour and his cute little son who would be joining his school. Taehyung was really not interested that day, he was in his introverted frame of mind. But one look at eight-year-old Jeongguk, who was hiding behind his mother’s skirt, and Taehyung had made a decision - that the boy was going to be in his life. It was almost like Jeongguk had imprinted on Taehyung, and he needed to get to know him. While the boy looked at him in round-eyed wonder as if he were from outer space, Taehyung had timidly stretched his right hand out, mumbling, “you will see too much of me everyday and it will be so difficult if we’re not friends.”
Somehow, that made sense to Jeongguk. In an ‘unprecedented’ move (according to Jeongguk’s mother), he had dragged Taehyung to his room, gestured for him to sit on his bed, and showed him his entire Marvel collection, including his Iron Man figurine. Jeongguk’s mother had proceeded to call Taehyung a wizard from that day onwards, because till that day, Jeongguk had never shared. Anything. He had never had a friend.
With Taehyung, Jeongguk had been different from day one. For the first week, only Taehyung had talked, and Jeongguk had listened, using facial expressions and gestures to communicate whatever he needed to. Taehyung understood. It was like he had a degree in understanding Jeongguk. In the second week, Taehyung’s need to be quiet hit him again, and he didn’t know how to explain himself to Jeongguk. So he just went up to his friend’s room and asked, “can we have a quiet day today?” - and that was that. Jeongguk never asked why.
As they grew older though, Jeongguk started talking more around Taehyung. On Taehyung’s quiet days, he would fill the silence with his own words. The first time it happened, Taehyung was too mesmerised to react. From the second time onwards, it became his most favourite sound in the world - the sound of Jeongguk talking. Slowly, Jeongguk started opening up to Taehyung even outside Tae’s quiet days. Slowly, he started returning Taehyung’s gestures of physical affection. From scrunching up his nose and trying to pull away from Taehyung’s random cheek kisses and side hugs, to leaning into them, it was a slow and gradual process. But Taehyung was always patient with Jeongguk if nothing else. The child had somehow understood (much better than adults) what exactly Jeongguk needed.
They were complete opposites. And not just because of their nature. But also because Jeongguk had firmly embraced who he was, but Taehyung hadn't. He led a dual life - the introvert who was comfortable in his skin around Jeongguk, the extrovert who he wore like a persona.
They were opposites. But they were inseparable.
Jeongguk was the only person in the world who knew that Taehyung was actually an ambivert and not an extrovert. The only person in the world who knew every single one of his insecurities and the words that triggered them. The only person who had seen Taehyung cry, and held him through the entire episodes of his breakdowns. Jeongguk was the only person who knew why Taehyung tried so hard to excel in his studies. Why he was so adamant to top the class, and why being second would just not do.
When he was around 15, Taehyung was going through the worst phase of his teenage life. He was always confused about something, he was always looking for something. But he didn’t know what. The only place he found peace was around Jeongguk. On one of his worst days, Taehyung had asked Jeongguk whether if one day he became a failure, Jeongguk would leave him too? He was convinced that his parents would. He was constantly fearing that one day he would wake up, and his ability to do well in his studies would disappear. And his parents would not love him anymore.
Jeongguk’s eyes became huge, rounder than usual at the absurdity of the question. He almost laughed. But he knew Taehyung was serious from how lost and faraway his eyes looked. He put his arms around the boy and told him he would never let him go, because in his eyes, Taehyung was perfect. There was no one better than him, and there never would be.
Then Jeongguk proceeded to place a soft kiss on Taehyung’s cheek to comfort him.
And Taehyung saw stars. While Jeongguk was just repeating one of Taehyung’s most favourite shows of affection, Taehyung was having an epiphany. All his confusion had vanished into thin air. He had found what he was looking for. He realised that he had fallen for Jeongguk - his best friend, his soul twin. Another boy.
The discovery hit him like a tornado, but calmed him down at the same time. Who else, but Jeongguk? Taehyung smiled to himself. Who else, indeed. For Taehyung therefore, September 3rd, two days after Jeongguk’s fifteenth birthday, would always be the day his life changed, and his heart became the doe-eyed boy’s.
And it would also be the day the nickname Gee was born.
Shy as he was, Jeongguk never had found it awkward to call Taehyung by a myriad nicknames - it would range from Tae, to Taehyung, to Taehyungie, to bear, to tiger, to my little boba ball, to cuddle monster and anything that would suit his mood at the moment. He never used endearments for anyone else, so it was never confusing as to who he was referring to. Taehyung, being naturally affectionate, had equal (or more) nicknames for Jeongguk - Jeon, Jeonggukie, Jeonggukah, Guk Guk, Ggukie, Ggukitas, muscle bunny, bunny, bun, and the best voice in Korea, to name just a few.
While Taehyung was going through his epiphany about his feelings for Jeongguk when the latter’s lips touched his cheek, Jeongguk seemed to have his own lightbulb moment.
“You know what? I’m going to call you Gee (pronounced G) from now on. Not always. But whenever I feel like it,” he beamed.
“Gee? Why Gee? Where does that come from?”
“Uh… it’s simple, but not so simple. See. Your name is Taehyungie”
“It’s not. It’s Taehyung”
“But when do I ever call you Taehyung?”
“Point taken”
“So. Taehyungie. Taehyungie is a big word, ending with Gie (pronounced Gi) . But I can’t call you Gi, can I? So I’m gonna call you Gee (g)”
“That doesn’t make any sense, Ggukitas”
“Ohh but it does,” he whispered conspiratorially, too close to Taehyung’s ears for him to be breathing normally, “because Gee, for me, stands for Genius. My little genius.”
“You’re so silly,” Taehyung whispered back, all his doubts about himself quelled.
“Nope, I am so serious. But Gee. Remember, if I ever call you by this nickname, you must respond. No matter how upset or angry you are with me. No judgement, no questions asked, no matter what happens… this call from me to you surpasses all. Deal?”
“Deal. I will never be upset or angry with you Ggukie.”
“It’s a pact then.”
“Unbreakable pact.”
That earned him another kiss on his other cheek.
And Taehyung could melt into a puddle from the cuteness. Such a roundabout way to call him a genius. Just what his muddled brain needed. Jeongguk would never hesitate to do out-of-character things just to make Taehyung happy - because he wanted to make him happy all the time. It would have been impossible for Taehyung not to fall for such a guy.
Taehyung went home with a fluttering heart and pink cheeks that day, stars in his eyes.
But it didn't take long for all his hopes of confessing to Jeongguk and asking him to be his boyfriend to come crashing down. He had walked into his parents discussing the disgrace of a child called Junsoo, who had dared to come out as gay. Sick, twisted, tragedy, such a failure for his parents - were the words being thrown around. They would definitely disown their son if he caught such a disease, they said. Taehyung heard it all from where he was rooted near the staircase.
So he had just added one more potential disappointment to his parents’ list. He had to squash his feelings for the time being. It was okay if they said such things to Taehyung. But what if Taehyung confessed to Jeongguk, and Jeongguk said yes? They would use such words for Jeongguk too. And Taehyung could not let that happen.
Like everything else he overthought, Taehyung spent hours thinking about the situation at hand. Jeongguk had always been more than a friend to him, he had never behaved with him just like any other friend. And Jeongguk didn’t even have other friends - Taehyung was his only one. So he could suppress his feelings and he could also keep his bunny safe. That was for sure. It wasn’t like he needed to jump on him right now or something. He smiled to himself at the thought. How fast had he started to see his childhood best friend in a different light! Just a few hours back, he was happy to spend his free time with his best friend. And now, all he wanted to know was how it felt to be called his bunny’s boyfriend.
But, he could control himself. He could do anything for Jeongguk actually. And this was just a matter of keeping his feelings under wraps. Maybe just… just until he became financially independent? Just until he could walk out of this house with his head held high and ask for his soulmate to accompany him? He knew even if Jeongguk ever felt anything, he would have to take the first step between the two of them. He wasn’t scared of losing Jeongguk. He didn’t think of the possibility of being rejected or being left behind. Fifteen year old Taehyung was only secure about one thing in life - the fact that no matter what happened, Jeongguk would never leave him. Because Jeongguk had said so, and Jeongguk never lied. That was his only hope, the only thing he believed in with all his heart, his only prayer, and his only dream.
But life is a bitch.
When they turned sixteen, Jeongguk decided to take up extra musical lessons. And no one was happier for him than Taehyung. According to Taehyung, Jeongguk had the best musical sense he had ever come across (it was totally a biased opinion, but did Taehyung care about that?). Now that he would be professionally trained, he would get better, and Taehyung was sure that his best friend would be ruling the music industry with his raw talent really soon. While Jeongguk was just happy to learn more about music, and maybe take up a job with a production unit, Taehyung dreamt of a hugely successful Jeongguk coming home to Taehyung and melting in his arms to get rid of all the stress of socialising for the day. And Taehyung? He would always wait for Jeongguk.
All he had to do was control his giddiness whenever he was physically close to his Ggukie, whenever he could feel his breath on his face, whenever his best friend would give him compliments that brought colour to his cheeks, and whenever he would wrap himself around Taehyung's body, nuzzling into his neck as if he couldn't bear any space between them.
Except, he had completely underestimated Jeongguk, who took just a couple of months to bring home two new friends. Not one. But two. Taehyung was so shocked he couldn’t move when he received the text, “bringing home two friends from music school, wanna come and meet them?”
He should have been happy for Jeongguk. And he was. After he got over the initial shock of being given this piece of life-altering news so casually. But there was something that kept pricking at him. It wasn’t that Jeongguk had made new friends. Of course he could do that. It was that Taehyung had no idea that he’d made friends and was close enough with them to bring them home. Why would Jeongguk keep something like this from him? They never hid anything from each other.
Or did they? Taehyung knew that he did. The realisation that he too, had started keeping things from Jeongguk, and Jeongguk had followed suit, broke him. It took him a while to accept that things were going to change. In fact, things had started changing the minute he acknowledged his feelings for Jeongguk. He had swallowed his feelings, he could swallow this bitter pill too. He would be nice to Jeongguk’s new friends, because he wasn’t nasty. And Jeongguk had always been polite to his other friends.
Except, Jeongguk had befriended their seniors Min Yoongi, and Kim Seokjin. Min Yoongi, the musical genius who had taken Jeongguk under his wings. And Kim Seokjin, the most handsome person Taehyung had ever seen, and a beautiful singer too, no less.
Min Yoongi was Busan’s music prodigy. At seventeen, he had already written quite a few songs that were not just popular among his own school crowd, but with anyone who followed the upcoming music scene in Busan. Taehyung and Jeongguk knew about him since they would keep up with music news for Jeongguk’s interest. Yoongi was known to be a snob, not interacting much with people his age. A few people who had watched him perform at the underground scene were in awe of his rapper avatar, seemingly a complete one-eighty turnaround from the persona he maintained in school.
The only person Yoongi had been hanging around with was Seokjin, and they would usually keep to themselves. Kim Seokjin was famous for other reasons. He wasn’t just one of the most handsome faces in Busan, but had a magical voice to match it. There were rumours galore of him having rejected offer after offer from K-Pop groups and the movie industry, only because his heart lay in cooking. He was learning music with Yoongi because his parents had pushed him to not waste his talent and good looks, but he was determined not to pursue a career in it. He was an introvert too.
Taehyung wondered how Jeongguk had become a part of this trio, but was never brave enough to ask.
Taehyung’s confidence took a huge blow when he saw Jeongguk interact with his hyungs. They were caring, they looked out for him, they were both amazing cooks (and Jeongguk LOVED to eat). But what stood out for Taehyung was how they doted on him and encouraged him in every possible way. It made him really happy to see Jeongguk being doted on, but it also made him sad to realise that he wasn’t Jeonggukie’s only one anymore. As days went by, Taehyung’s share of time with Jeongguk started decreasing. It was miniscule, the changes were indiscernible to the naked eye. But Taehyung? He felt it in his bones. Every single day. It invaded his thoughts like nothing else. Taehyung was sixteen when he suddenly found himself with a lot of time in his hands, and no one to spend it with. At first, he was stubborn, refusing to share his Jeonggukie-time with anyone else. Slowly, it became unbearable.
He couldn’t even blame Jeongguk. The boy was getting more involved with music and of course he was spending more time on it. He still made it a point to spend time with Taehyung everyday. It just wasn’t enough for Taehyung, and that wasn’t Jeongguk’s fault. Taehyung would never hold it against him. Except one day he walked in on Jeongguk back-hugging Jin in the same way that he would hug Taehyung. Taehyung gulped.
Jealousy was rearing its ugly head inside of his heart and he could do nothing about it. Maybe this was better. Maybe, just maybe Jeongguk deserved more than Taehyung’s sorry ass. At least Jin wasn’t pretentious like him. He was an introvert, just like Jeongguk. He didn’t confuse people with his dual nature. He was pretty. He was so pretty. And Taehyung wasn’t. His eyes didn’t even match. Why should anyone like duality like that?
And that’s when he bumped into Park Jimin while some students were bullying him and Taehyung stood up for him. Jimin, the school’s residential top dancer, full of grace, beauty, and known extrovert. Jimin was also the only boy in their school who had been out of the closet and proud in his acceptance of his sexuality. When he danced, people could not take their eyes off him. If he decided you were his friend, he would be loyal to a fault. Despite the growing homophobia around them, Jimin’s aura was something no one could escape. Usually, people were nice to Jimin. It was difficult not to be around such a kind-hearted person. But some people would always be assholes. When Taehyung helped Jimin that day, he didn’t know that he’d gained a lifelong friend.
Jimin was easy to cling to. Easy to talk to. Easy to hang around with. Slowly, Taehyung found himself drawn to someone who wasn’t Jeongguk. Not in the same way. Never in the same way. But just an amazing friend where even his extroverted self didn’t have to exert himself to be extra all the time. Jimin filled up the empty spaces around Taehyung beautifully. But his heart? It was breaking even before it had a chance to embrace how it truly felt.
The anxiety and sadness inside of Taehyung kept growing the more he discovered how fondly Jeongguk looked at Jin. How Jin fed him. How they would get into silly fights with huge grins on their faces. How they would exchange glances filled with shared secrets. How Jeongguk would plead with Yoongi to make him his most favourite food. How Yoongi knew more about Jeongguk’s favourite music than Taehyung.
Jeongguk was trying his best to take up music for his graduation. Taehyung was spending all his quiet days trying to sketch Jeongguk. For the first time in his life, he just couldn’t get it right. Still, spending more and more time with his art kept him from losing his shit. It brought back so many memories of being left together as kids with boxes of crayons and then painting to make sure they would be quiet and constructive together. They had both picked up the habit of drawing each other when they were left to their devices like that. Sometimes, it would be them as children, sometimes it would be a tiger and bunny, sometimes, a bear and bunny, and sometimes just two silhouettes doing things they loved to do together.
At seventeen, Taehyung wondered if Jeongguk would ever draw him anymore. He wondered if he would ever be able to finish a drawing of Jeongguk anymore.
It had been decided between them a long time back that they would not be leaving Busan. Not yet. They would work hard and pursue their graduation from the city, Taehyung taking up business school (because he had to, it was more practical and made getting jobs easier) and Jeongguk pursuing music. They would rent an apartment mid-way from both universities and live together. They would never be separated by anyone or anything.
Their first argument happened out of the blue. Taehyung walked into Jeongguk’s room and Jeongguk immediately disconnected the call he was on. It wasn’t new. This was the fifth time it had happened and Taehyung saw red. He had held back all this time but he was just coming from another session of his parents expressing their disapproval of him hanging out with Jimin all the time (because they had heard rumours about Jimin’s sexual orientation). And he was already livid. He looked at Jeongguk blankly for a few seconds, turned around, and walked out of the room and out of the house.
Of course Jeongguk followed him. But Taehyung was not having it. It hurt. He tried to be polite about it, saying that he would come back when Jeongguk had finished talking to whoever he was talking to. That he didn’t want to disturb . They both flinched at the word. A world where Taehyung disturbed Jeongguk? When did that happen? Jeongguk told him to calm down, and that the call wasn’t important. But Taehyung saw the nervousness in his eyes when he was lying. And that was the last straw. “I really don’t want to intrude or interrupt your life, Jeongguk. I will be back when you don’t feel the need to lie to me anymore,” he said as politely as possible and walked off.
The argument didn’t even last two days. All it took was a teary-eyed Jeongguk standing at the door of his room for Taehyung to pull him into a bone-crushing hug and put everything behind them.
But now when Taehyung thought about it or looked back at his memories, he realised that what he shared with Jeongguk was too good to be true. And hence, for someone like him, it wasn’t going to last.
So it didn’t.
While Jeongguk became careful about small things that he realised had hurt Taehyung, the insecurity that had built a home inside Taehyung’s heart kept growing. Was Jeongguk having to try too hard just to keep Taehyung happy? Their bond had never been like that. He hated the fact that he had managed to become a burden for Jeongguk too. That the most spontaneous, effortlessly symbiotic relationship in his life had become so difficult to handle that Jeongguk had to walk on eggshells around him. The thought ate him alive, twenty-four-by-seven. He had to fix it.
He needed to come clean. And leave the rest to the love of his life. Taehyung decided to confess to Jeongguk the day after his upcoming eighteenth birthday. And explain that he had been insecure because of his growing romantic feelings. If Jeongguk rejected him, he would be able to move on, at least. The bigger thing was, Jeongguk would understand his unrest and things would be clear between them. If the next stage of their friendship meant that Taehyung needed to let go and become just another friend, he would. But if… if Jeongguk felt the same… then? Taehyung couldn’t think beyond that point. It kept him up night after night.
The plan was perfect. They would always have a sleepover for their birthdays. If it was Jeongguk’s birthday, he would celebrate it with Taehyung and have dinner with both sets of parents, and for Taehyung’s birthday there was a small party. But they would always spend the last few hours of the day together and wake up to each other. That’s exactly how they liked beginning a new year of their life. And it would be then that Taehyung would confess, with the intention of spending their lives together, forever.
However, life had its own plans. On Jeonguuk’s eighteenth birthday, Taehyung and Jeongguk had their biggest fight. And also their last.
Taehyung hadn’t, till date, thought that it was Jeongguk’s fault. It was all on him.
It began with Jin and Yoongi being invited for Jeongguk’s birthday. Taehyung had not been aware of it. When he walked into Jeongguk’s room to wake him up, like he always did, he found Jeongguk wrapped around Jin on his bed, and Yoongi on a makeshift bed on the floor. He almost ran away, but… it was Jeongguk’s eighteenth. He could swallow his pride. He would. He went outside and sat on the stairs to wait for them to wake up. He didn’t have the right to wake everyone up. Everyone wasn’t his Jeonggukie.
When they woke up after an hour or two, Taehyung didn’t really know, it was Jeongguk’s call that broke his trance. “Why aren’t you here?”
“Happy Birthday Ggukie!”
“Why aren’t you here?”
“I am. Just outside. You woke up before I came to wake you up, huh?”
“Come on in. You’re late today! Did you also sleep in? Ohh, Taetae, the hyungs stayed over last night. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Me? Who am I to mind? It’s your birthday Gguks. Should I come back later?”
“No! I can’t open my eyes on my birthday without you in front of me. It’s bad luck.”
Taehyung laughed. He schooled his expressions and went inside. Wished Jeongguk. Spent the day fourth-wheeling as the trio kept singing one song after the other. All that mattered was that Jeongguk seemed happy. He was happy to sing. To make music. What more could Taehyung want? He would have his chance tomorrow morning. Things would get better. They would. They had to.
Except, Yoongi and Jin wanted to stay back that night too. They were working on a song together that they just had to finish.
“I… Gguk. Jeongguk. I’m just gonna go. All the best with your song you three! Goodnight!”
Taehyung mustered his bravest, most cheerful voice.
“What do you mean you’re gonna go? You’re not staying?”
“Where?”
It slipped out before Taehyung realised it.
“What do you mean where? We always have a sleepover for our birthdays.”
“Ohh? We do? You remember?” Taehyung was on a roll, his emotions getting the better of him.
“Tae. Let’s talk outside. You’re being rude,” Jeongguk grabbed him by his elbow, and then looked at his friends, “I’m sorry hyungs, sorry for his rudeness. I will be back in a bit”
“I” not “we”.
He dragged Taehyung outside. “What the fuck was that in front of my guests?”
Taehyung’s heart broke. He had never heard this tone from Jeongguk. His sweet, loving, boy. He’d caused this. He’d made him feel insulted, ashamed in front of his friends. He’d proven his worth. And he couldn’t cause any more damage. He had to go. For the first time in his life, Kim Taehyung put on his mask in front of Jeon Jeongguk.
“I just asked a simple question Jeongguk. Where? Where would I sleep if I stayed over? Your friends have been hogging all the space since yesterday.”
“Why are you talking like that about them? They’ve been nothing but sweet to you”
“Oh please. Go back to them, won’t you? That’s all you do anyway. Running behind them like a lost puppy. Till two years back it was me, and now it's them. All you need is someone to run behind.”
“Taehyung?”
“What?” he scoffed.
“Is that what you think about me? That I run behind people?”
“Isn’t that what you’re doing? The moment you found them, you dropped me like a hot potato.”
“I…no. You can't say that, Taehyung. You know they are helping me get through the music scene. You know they are helping me get admission into Busan Arts University like we had planned. We. You and I.”
“All I can see is you falling all over Jin hyung. Why? Because he’s a pretty face?”
“Shut up. Ohh god. Stop talking. What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you talk like this? It’s… it’s my eighteenth birthday!!”
“Well then grow the fuck up and stop leaning on people for every fucking thing. I’m done with this Jeongguk. I’m done with you. You have them. Go to them. Never, ever. I repeat. Never show me your face again. I don’t want to see you ever again in my life. Happy fucking birthday.”
Jeongguk stood there stunned. And he watched Taehyung’s silhouette become smaller and smaller with every passing second.
Taehyung knew that he had ended his friendship with Jeongguk with those hurtful words. He knew what he had done was unforgivable. But he also knew that he was becoming toxic for Jeongguk. Jeongguk needed to grow. He didn’t need Taehyung to hold him back.
And yet, he waited. For two days. Then seven. Ten. The silence stretched. On the twelfth day, Taehyung spoke to his parents about transferring to Daegu, to his grandma’s. On the fourteenth, he was gone.
Jeongguk showed up at his door on the fifteenth day, looking like he hadn’t slept for days. Only to be told that Taehyung didn’t want to keep in touch with him and had forbidden his parents to divulge any information about him to anyone in his school.
The last time Taehyung had seen Jeongguk, he was looking at him, stunned.
⧗⧗⧗
It was three years later, and Jeongguk was sitting in front of him, still looking stunned.