Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Hoseok walked into their shared apartment, he was greeted by a sight that warmed his heart to its core. He really didn’t want to see it anymore. It would make a good memory, but wasn’t something he liked to encounter every single fucking day. Ever since he could remember, (which was about two years ago for one and one year for the other), there had been very few days when the scene had been different. 

Meet his roommates, Kim Taehyung and Kim Namjoon, currently sitting at opposite ends of the living room - Namjoon on a couch and Taehyung on the floor (again!) - reading. 

And reading is a healthy habit. Hoseok knew that. He really did. But it was one thing to have a healthy habit, and quite another to take it to the point of obsession. These two had been doing the latter. They had been at it ever since Hoseok had come to know them. It was University for god’s sake. Once they graduated, they’d really get sucked into adulting. And instead of living a little, these two were always at home after classes, engrossed in whatever piece of shit had managed to catch their fancy that afternoon. Hoseok was done.  

“Hey living statues of the house!” he called out to the two beings, still totally unaware of his entry. If a thief managed to learn their door code, they would be able to leave with everything they stole, completely unscathed, provided these two were warming their two respective corners of the room. Oblivious to the real world - one resided in the world of sea creatures, the other in the world of art. Kim Namjoon studied marine biology, was a genius with his words, learned new languages by watching sitcoms, and broke things unintentionally. Kim Taehyung studied fine art, sang to himself when he thought no one was listening, made weird art which he dubbed  his masterpieces, and pouted his way out of everything.

No, they were not brothers. Thankfully.

None of them were allowed in the kitchen. And both of them clearly wanted Hoseok to be bored to death in his early twenties.

He fucking loved them.

But he could kill them right now. 

“I said hello!”

Two heads turned towards him as if they’d just noticed him for the first time. “Oh there you are Hoba. Are you back early today?” Namjoon asked. 

“Yes! Here I am. And no my friend, it’s already evening. You know, you would’ve been able to tell if you’d cared to look outside or realised that the lights came on.”

“Ohh, I got carried away reading this really interesting book about lobsters and didn’t notice,” he sheepishly responded.

“That’s brand new information!” Hoseok quoted from Namjoon’s favourite sitcom.

“I’m hungry, hi hyung,” Taehyung managed to get a word in.

“Taehyungah? When did you get here?” Namjoon was shocked.

“I… uhh. Have been here all day. I didn’t have classes today.”

“So Joonie walked in and didn’t notice you, and you didn’t even tell him you were here?”

“I… figured he didn’t want to talk to me maybe. Happens.” Taehyung shrugged.

Namjoon opened his mouth to say something, but Hoseok noticed the crumpled pieces of paper in the corner of the room and gestured for him to stop. They exchanged a knowing glance. It was one of Taehyung’s bad days. They were not new to them. It was  something they had picked up on over the past year of living with the younger boy, despite the fact he’d never really been open to them about it. Taehyung wasn’t a talkative person. He didn’t talk out of turn, or have much to say about anything. But on rare days when the three of them got talking, he always participated. Not just that, he came up with these unique pieces of information about different fields, be it about sea creatures that sent Namjoon furiously typing away on search engines to know more or about anecdotes in the history of dance that sent Hoseok’s head reeling. 

But there was nothing he knew more of than music, and the least he talked about was art. They used to find it strange till they got used to how quirky Taehyung really was and had fallen in love with his quiet, intelligent, thoughtful aura. 

Usually, you wouldn’t find a freshman living with two second-year students. Namjoon and Hoseok had taken this boy in on special request from Namjoon’s parents. Joon had never met Tae before, having lived all his life in Seoul. Tae had lived for quite some time in Daegu where Joon’s parents were originally from. Joon and Hobi had been fast friends ever since they’d found themselves as roommates in this apartment and when Tae had come into the equation, they had both instinctively taken to babying him. The boy had the face and the aura of a pampered kid, though he never acted like one. He was a helpful and thoughtful boy if only a little lost. 

He couldn’t cook to save his life, so he would do the dishes every day. He wasn’t great at laundry, so he would always go grocery shopping. His painting sprees sometimes lasted longer than planned, so he always left a note for his hyungs not to worry. It was only when he lost himself in his own world that it would worry the two older boys. Hoseok used to think of Namjoon as the personification of the word ‘introvert’. But ever since he’d met Taehyung, he’d given that title to the younger boy. 

Being the only extrovert stuck between two introverts was hard, and sometimes Hoseok really felt the pressure. Luckily, his dance team was a great outlet for all his outgoing energy. A dance major, Hoseok was expressive, and loved making new friends. He was equally popular among seniors and juniors, not just as the lead dancer of the University team, but also as the one who knew how to keep the team in line. Even though everyone was aware of his sunshine personality, they also knew that the one thing Jung Hoseok never compromised on was quality. That had been instrumental in leading the University to win multiple competitions ever since he’d shown up on the scene. He loved being out and about. And he had tried really hard to get the other two to go out and really experience University life as well. However, he had failed miserably at it. 

The toughest part was getting Taehyung out of the house. Whenever they did manage, Taehyung tended to make himself small and tried to hide behind his two hyungs. In diners or cafes he would choose the corner seat hidden from view. Unless it was for University, groceries or meals, bringing Taehyung outside was an ordeal and Hoseok had almost given up. It wasn’t that tough with Namjoon. Usually, it only took about five days of pursuit.

Kim Namjoon was the quintessential genius with a 148 IQ and a heart of gold. He had a heart to match the size of that grey matter. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that Namjoon was really the reason they all lived harmoniously together… the very reason why they came together in the first place. The son of an equally generous set of parents, Namjoon made their lives easier by just existing in it. He was warm, understanding and the least judgemental person you could ever meet. True, he could get lost in explaining things that no one really needed to know. But one look at his dimpled, excited face, and you would be ready to listen to why he thought clownfish and anemones were best friends. (They really are). But he was only that unhinged around Hoseok, and now Taehyung. Otherwise, getting him to talk to strangers, making new friends or taking him out of the house was an ordeal you wouldn’t want to wish upon yourself.

With Taehyung it was even worse. He was always quiet, almost as if he didn't want anyone to remember that he existed. Till date, Namjoon and Hoseok had only been inside of his room about twice, and the first thing they’d noticed had been the series of photographs placed face down on his bedside table. They never brought it up with him because they realised that Taehyung was a private person. 

There were certain times when Taehyung went quiet the whole day, he didn’t eat, didn’t do anything, just sat in a corner and tried to sketch. He never got that done either, and ended up crumpling all the papers. On those days, he would be in a strange, melancholic mood. Nothing got through to him. And it used to get his roommates really worried. But as it happened, through a stroke of luck, on one such gloomy day, Hoseok had brought home a takeaway of japchae on his way back home from practice, and that had been the first time he had seen a smile on Taehyung’s face. The two older boys had watched him fondly as the youngest gobbled up his dinner willingly. They made a note of it and used it as their foolproof plan to make their maknae smile (and eat) on his bad days. Today wasn’t going to be any different.

“Let’s not eat at home today. Let’s go out and get some food,” Hoseok chirped. 

“Out?” Namjoon was horrified as if Hoseok had suggested they visit hell and not a restaurant. 

“Yes, out. Tae is hungry and I don’t feel like cooking for you two.” He motioned at Namjoon to make him notice the pieces of paper and watched his expression change to one of understanding. 

“Of course! Tae you want some japchae? Let’s go then.”

“Could we not order in?” Taehyung almost pleaded.

“We could, but we won’t. Let’s go. It’s hyung’s treat today,” Namjoon insisted.

And it was an unwritten rule that if Namjoon asked to go out, Taehyung couldn’t refuse. Some weird introvert pact shit they had going between themselves that Hoseok didn’t at all want to be part of. And thereby, they found themselves walking to the diner closest to their apartment to grab some dinner. Ordering a japchae for Taehyung, Hoseok took one look at Namjoon’s face and let go of his craving for some seafood, settling for kimchi fried rice instead. 

Most times, Namjoon was oblivious. But when he reconnected with the outer world, he became really receptive. His coordination though, hardly managed to catch up with his head. So when he went to nudge Hoseok while they were eating, he ended up knocking the salt shaker off the table. Hoseok got the hint anyway. He’d become so attuned to Namjoon after two years of living with him, that they hardly needed words to communicate. “Tae, eat. Your food is getting cold, little one.” That broke the trance Taehyung had been in since the food had been served. He went back to eating. “Sowrie hyung,” he said in his muffled voice, mouth full of noodles, “I was uh… thinking about something. I was… what was I thinking about?” 

“It will come back to you,” Hoseak said with practiced ease. “What did you do all day today?” 

“I was reading this book on art which made me want to sketch, so I started sketching but… I couldn't compl….uhh…nothing turned out good. So I kept trying and trying and… then I gave up. After that I suddenly realised that I had left the chapter unfinished so I went back to reading.”

“And what did you eat?”

“I… that’s why I said I was hungry”

“Taehyungah!”

“I didn’t remember, I swear!”

Hoseok sighed. It wasn’t like this was new. Over the past year, he’d seen Taehyung zone out more often than not. He often wondered what triggered the younger boy into such a mood. 

“Hobi-hyung!” a familiar, but unexpected voice startled him out of his thoughts. He turned and spotted the new transfer student. A recent addition to his team, this one had already captured quite a few hearts with his flawless movements, willingness to work hard, and cheerful personality, not to mention his cuteness. Everyone in the dance team just loved Park Jimin. 

“Didn’t expect to run into you here!”

“Hey there, are you here for dinner too Jiminah?”

While they spoke, two things happened at once. Jimin said something, but the sound of his voice was drowned by a loud clatter. And Taehyung's cutlery now lay on the floor.

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

“Ji… Jimin? Park Jimin?” Taehyung stuttered.

“Kim Taehyung, is that you? What on earth!” Jimin exclaimed. 

Hoseok didn’t even know how to react to the scene unfolding in front of his eyes as Jimin moved everything that fell in his way, even a much-bigger-than-himself Namjoon, to get to Taehyung and hug him like he would vanish into thin air if he let him go. Taehyung looked like he needed the floor to open up and swallow him whole. Namjoon had miraculously saved himself from sweeping all pieces of cutlery from the table onto the floor. 

“Where did you disappear to Taetae? Do you have any idea how much I missed you? Its been three fucking years since I last saw you, you know that? Why didn’t you ever call? You changed your number, I can’t find you on SNS. Do you have any idea how much I’ve looked for you?”

“I’m… uh… sorry. I had to… uh… sorry”

“Well. Very articulate. Can’t believe that you, out of all the people in the world, are struggling with words. Is it the shock of seeing me? It would be, right? You must have missed me too, just like I missed you my soulmate! Gosh, I am so damn happy to see you! Thank god I decided to come here today. Thank god I chose to take up dance major. Thank god I made friends with Hobi hyung, who made friends with you. But wait, why did Hobi hyung make friends with you? You’re not a dance major Taetae, then you would’ve been in my class. Is this a new hobby you share with him? Hobi hyung, how do you know Taetae?” Jimin spoke in one breath. 

“Woah. Breathe Jiminie. He’s my roommate”

“Roommate?”

“Yeah. We live together. Taehyung and I. And that's Namjoon by the way, the one you almost bulldozed over. The three of us live in this apartment a few blocks away.”

“Roommate?”

“I believe that’s what I said.”

“But…” Jimin looked from Hoseok to Taehyung, and back to Hoseok again, bewildered. “You said you live with the kings of introverts.”

“Yeah”

“Taetae is the exact opposite of introverts. What are you talking about?”

“Who is the exact opposite of what?” Namjoon almost shrieked because he’d lost it. “Are we talking about the same person? Tae, do you have an identical twin or something?”

Taehyung. Taehyung wasn’t talking. His head hung low, and he refused to look up, as if he refused to acknowledge the conversation. Hoseok reached out to Taehyung, and he flinched. Figuring out that something was wrong. Hoseok pulled his chair closer to the boy. “Want to go home Tae?” Taehyung nodded his head. 

He turned to a bewildered Jimin who was just watching their interactions like something strange was unfolding in front of his eyes, “I think something’s wrong, Jimin. We’ll take our leave today. I will see you at training tomorrow, okay?”

“Is he okay? Is he not feeling well or something? Has he, has he seen a doctor? You, you don’t understand Hobi hyung, we are his childhood friends. We have known him since we were kids. We went to school together. Please tell me he’s okay?” Jimin was panicking.

Taehyung had almost turned to walk out of the eatery when he turned, “We? We who, Jimin?” 

Jimin’s head snapped to Taehyung, and he walked up to him, as if he had found the opening he was desperately looking for, “Tae. Taetae. We transferred here together. Into the dance program. We transferred together. Jeonggukie. And me. He’s here too, Tae. He’s here too.”

“Jeon Jeongguk?” Taehyung looked like he’d been slapped across his face.

“Do you know any other Jeongguk?”

“He… he’s here?”

“Of course he’s here. He can’t live without me!” Jimin smiled.

Taehyung’s face hardened immediately. “I see,” he said. He turned towards Hobi and said, “let’s go, hyung?”

“Wait. Why are you leaving? Don’t you want to hang out with me? With us? With Jeonggukie and me? He will be so happy to see you! You won’t believe how much he has changed. He’s been…”

“I need to go home, Jimin. I will see you when I see you, I guess. Bye, then.” 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬  

Taehyung was out of the diner before anyone else could get a word in. And as soon as he was out of the door, he started running. Didn’t check for directions, didn’t head home, he just took off, stopping only when his legs refused to work anymore. He was a few blocks away from the uni. Unknowingly, he had taken the route to his comfort place, a clear area near the lake close to the university where not many people came. This wasn’t a beautified, commercialised space, so the crowd was lesser. Most days when Taehyung came here, it would be empty. And he loved that. It’s not that he didn’t like living with Namjoon and Hoseok. He loved it. They were caring, protective, and they had figured out how to deal with his bad days. It wasn’t that he didn’t notice, he just avoided talking about it. What was the use of bringing up things that only broke his heart?

He took out his phone and saw a few missed calls, opened up their GC, and typed out a text reassuring his hyungs that he was fine and that he just needed some time by himself. He would be home in a couple of hours, max. Putting his phone back in his pocket, he took a few wobbly steps forward to find his favourite spot near the lake. It was dark out and he’d seldom been here in the dark. Today, though, the darkness was comforting. He needed to just figure out a way to complete his degree from this university without running into his past. It had been extremely difficult for him to leave it behind and he had no interest in meeting any part of it again.

“Liar”

He whispered to himself as he let himself fall to the ground. 

Taehyung had been trying to perfect the art of lying ever since the day he realised his feelings for his best friend weren’t strictly platonic at all. He had tried lying - to himself, and to everyone around him, and failed miserably. Upon failing, he had run away from Busan, his childhood home, to Daegu three years back, to live with his grandmother, and had completed his high school degree from there. 

“Coward”

He cursed himself again.

Jimin hadn’t said anything wrong. Well, it was partially right. That too because he didn’t know the entire story. Nobody did. Except for one person. Kim Taehyung wasn’t the opposite of an introvert. He was an ambivert. Had always been. However, the world only knew him as an extrovert. Till three years back. The quiet, lost, withdrawn side of Taehyung had only been revealed to one person. The one person who was not a part of his life anymore.

“All my fault”

Taehyung sighed. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

Taehyung had grown up in a decent, loving environment, if only a little traditional. His parents were simple, hard working people, and they expected the same behaviour from Taehyung. It had taken them a while to settle into a comfortable life, and they didn’t want Taehyung to go through similar issues. So his results were never good enough, no matter how hard he worked. Everytime he brought home a report card, the conversation turned to what could have been better only if he toned himself down, interacted with people less, been more like his best friend, and spent more time studying. Like most parents, they just had Taehyung’s best interests in mind and spoke the words they themselves had grown up hearing, not realising that every word fed into Taehyung’s insecurities bit by bit. He covered it up with being loud and about in school.

By the time Taehyung was in middle school, he was the most insecure person. The only person he had been able to open up to about it, was his best friend - his shelter, his refuge. The only person with whom he did not have to keep up the extrovert act 24/7.

The one topic of conversation in their school that never failed to gather enthusiastic discussions was how the introvert and the extrovert ended up being joined at the hips like that. How did two people, so different from each other, manage to be best friends for almost a decade? How was it possible for chalk and cheese to be soulmates? 

For Taehyung it was simple. His best friend got him, and it was the same the other way around. They were each other's safe spaces. Whereas with everyone else he was always scared that they would loathe him for his confusing ambivertedness, with his best friend he could unapologetically be himself. And then, he had to go and fuck that up.

Of course.

Taehyung had always had multiple reasons to hate himself and this was just one of them.

When Taehyung had befriended Jimin at a later stage in life, they had bonded over a shared love for dramatics, sass, and yapping. Jimin was the only extroverted friend with whom Taehyung had ever felt comfortable . Jimin was not just a great friend, but he’d also always given Taehyung space whenever he’d needed it. On the days that he’d needed to be by himself, he’d never had to explain things to Jimin. They’d just picked up where they had left off. Honestly, today Taehyung felt even worse for having cut-off Jimin from his life too. Jimin had been clueless, sending him email after email that Taehyung never read in fear of giving into his weakness. It wasn’t Jimin’s fault that Taehyung had decided to move away. That decision was Taehyung’s as was his decision to keep Jimin in the dark about his whereabouts. He’d had to.

But had he, really? 

Fuck, he still didn’t know. 

He just knew that in a new city, surrounded by new people, it had been easier to embrace his introvertedness and shove his extroverted side to the back of his existence. Be it Daegu or Seoul, not a single person knew that Taehyung was an ambivert. Not a single person knew his real story. Not a single person knew who he really was. He was living a lie. Embracing his quiet, shy, confused side made him feel closer to the best friend he had lost. In his solitude, he found solace in being closer to what his best friend was like as a person. 

It was funny, really. Taehyung scoffed. In running away from the past, Kim Taehyung had in effect reduced himself to living only in his past. He was a skeleton of the person he used to be, occupying the smallest available space in the darkest corners of the rooms he would visit, trying his hardest not to be seen. In that corner, he would sit and read. About art, his class work (because he needed to do better), but mostly about music - keeping up with the latest trends, finding facts, and talking to himself about the trivia he kept learning. When it got too overwhelming, he would share a bit of his knowledge with his hyungs, because the person for whom he was gathering all this knowledge was out of his reach.

Well, was he?

Jimin had said… Of course he’s here! He can’t live without me.  

The words had felt like hot lava being poured into Taehyung’s ears. There was a time when he couldn’t live without me either. 

Taehyung’s sobs broke the silence surrounding the lake. It had been three fucking years, but it didn’t hurt any less. 

He didn’t know how long he sat there and let his tears fall freely. He didn’t even know when they stopped and he was just staring blankly ahead.

“Taehyung? Kim Taehyung is that you?”

That voice. Ohh how Taehyung had yearned for that voice for the past three years. How he had missed the tenderness in the way his name was uttered by that voice. How he had spent day after day playing back the voice recordings on his phone. That voice that made his name feel special. The voice that spoke his name with so much care. The voice that he had left too far behind.

Except, now the voice was too close. Right behind him, in fact. And it sounded concerned.

Fuck. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

What the fuck was he doing here? Taehyung’s mind was racing. But he wasn’t going to look back. He wasn’t. He had left all of this behind for a reason. He had pushed himself to a corner for a reason. He couldn’t undo the past three years’ worth of pain with one action. Though he desperately wanted to. Because the reason for his misery was also his only cure. He sat there resolute, facing the lake.

But Jeon Jeongguk was stubborn. Had always been.

And Taehyung knew that, but he had not been subjected to it for three years now.

“Taehyung, Tae?? Can you please look at me? I can recognise you even if you don’t show me your face.”

“Taetae.”

“Taehyungie! Come on. Don’t force me to come in front of you and make you look at me like I used to.”

Taehyung winced. Memories. 

“Taehyungie!! Oh come on… Gee!”

The fucker was really using his ultimate weapon. Because that wasn’t a nickname Taehyung could ever not answer to. He was bound by a pact. Scrap that. He was bound by his own weak heart. 

So he did what he had to. Turned around. And scoffed.  

Because Jeongguk was sitting behind him, ready to crawl in front. His entire stance was one of impatience. Certain things never change. 

“Why the fuck are you here?”

“Because you’re not where you should be”

“Where I am or I am not is none of your business”

“Not when you run out on Jimin leaving him scared to death”

Aah. So this was about Jimin.

“Okay. Tell him I’m sorry for running out. And go back to him. Your work here is clearly done.”

“Why should I apologise on your behalf? You have to come with me and apologise to him yourself. Why should I apologise to him for you? I don’t even have the right.”

Did that sound like hurt, or was Taehyung’s mind going overboard?

“Why is this such a big deal anyway? You all never knew where I was for the past three years. You didn’t care. Why now? Why is this important?”

He turned back around to face the lake, and stiffened his posture for good measure. He would leave this place when he wanted to.

In a flash, Jeongguk was in front of his face. Too close. Too close for Taehyung to be able to look anywhere else. It had been three years and there was no change in the intensity of the reaction this boy drew from him. (That was a lie. His current reaction was more intense and Taehyung couldn’t breathe).

“You have to stop jumping to conclusions, Gee. Come with me. Jimin is very worried. So was I, when I heard you ran off into the dark. Luckily I found this lake on one of my runs and the moment I found it, I thought about you - about how much this is your place. How easily it could turn into our place,” he paused. And Taehyung’s heart stopped at the word ‘our.’ “That’s why I came here directly. It just felt like I’d find you here. I was always good at finding you. Still am. See!”

Every single word pierced into Taehyung’s heart like a knife. He didn’t want to hear them. He desperately needed to hear them. This was still about Jimin, though. 

“Ohh come on. Stop pouting. I’m not here just for Jimin. I’m here for me. For you. I haven’t seen you in three years. Three years Gee. Look at me, at least.”

Could someone become a mind reader in three years? 

Maybe they could. But Jeongguk had always been able to read Taehyung like an open book from day one. Those eyes looked straight into his soul. And Taehyung had always let them, except when he couldn’t.

⧗⧗⧗

They were known as the ‘unlikely pair’ in school - the extroverted social butterfly nerd with a hidden interest in painting, and the introverted loner athlete with the most beautiful voice. Kim Taehyung and Jeon Jeongguk. Everyone in their school loved Taehyung for his nature. He was kind, friendly, and helpful towards everyone he met. Everyone in their school was in awe of Jeongguk. There was nothing that he didn’t excel in, be it athletics, or music, or dance, or studies. Nothing except for making friends or talking to people. It had been a decade since Taehyung had started walking into and out of school with Jeongguk, remaining glued to him through the day, and people still couldn’t believe it. 

Jeongguk’s parents had changed neighbourhoods and moved into the house a couple of doors to Taehyung’s. Taehyung’s mother had dragged him along to meet the new ‘friendly’ neighbour and his cute little son who would be joining his school. Taehyung was really not interested that day, he was in his introverted frame of mind. But one look at eight-year-old Jeongguk, who was hiding behind his mother’s skirt, and Taehyung had made a decision - that the boy was going to be in his life. It was almost like Jeongguk had imprinted on Taehyung, and he needed to get to know him. While the boy looked at him in round-eyed wonder as if he were from outer space, Taehyung had timidly stretched his right hand out, mumbling, “you will see too much of me everyday and it will be so difficult if we’re not friends.” 

Somehow, that made sense to Jeongguk. In an ‘unprecedented’ move (according to Jeongguk’s mother), he had dragged Taehyung to his room, gestured for him to sit on his bed, and showed him his entire Marvel collection, including his Iron Man figurine. Jeongguk’s mother had proceeded to call Taehyung a wizard from that day onwards, because till that day, Jeongguk had never shared. Anything. He had never had a friend.

With Taehyung, Jeongguk had been different from day one. For the first week, only Taehyung had talked, and Jeongguk had listened, using facial expressions and gestures to communicate whatever he needed to. Taehyung understood. It was like he had a degree in understanding Jeongguk. In the second week, Taehyung’s need to be quiet hit him again, and he didn’t know how to explain himself to Jeongguk. So he just went up to his friend’s room and asked, “can we have a quiet day today?” - and that was that. Jeongguk never asked why. 

As they grew older though, Jeongguk started talking more around Taehyung. On Taehyung’s quiet days, he would fill the silence with his own words. The first time it happened, Taehyung was too mesmerised to react. From the second time onwards, it became his most favourite sound in the world - the sound of Jeongguk talking. Slowly, Jeongguk started opening up to Taehyung even outside Tae’s quiet days. Slowly, he started returning Taehyung’s gestures of physical affection. From scrunching up his nose and trying to pull away from Taehyung’s random cheek kisses and side hugs, to leaning into them, it was a slow and gradual process. But Taehyung was always patient with Jeongguk if nothing else. The child had somehow understood (much better than adults) what exactly Jeongguk needed. 

They were complete opposites. And not just because of their nature. But also because Jeongguk had firmly embraced who he was, but Taehyung hadn't. He led a dual life - the introvert who was comfortable in his skin around Jeongguk, the extrovert who he wore like a persona.

They were opposites. But they were inseparable. 

Jeongguk was the only person in the world who knew that Taehyung was actually an ambivert and not an extrovert. The only person in the world who knew every single one of his insecurities and the words that triggered them. The only person who had seen Taehyung cry, and held him through the entire episodes of his breakdowns. Jeongguk was the only person who knew why Taehyung tried so hard to excel in his studies. Why he was so adamant to top the class, and why being second would just not do.  

When he was around 15, Taehyung was going through the worst phase of his teenage life. He was always confused about something, he was always looking for something. But he didn’t know what. The only place he found peace was around Jeongguk. On one of his worst days, Taehyung had asked Jeongguk whether if one day he became a failure, Jeongguk would leave him too? He was convinced that his parents would. He was constantly fearing that one day he would wake up, and his ability to do well in his studies would disappear. And his parents would not love him anymore. 

Jeongguk’s eyes became huge, rounder than usual at the absurdity of the question. He almost laughed. But he knew Taehyung was serious from how lost and faraway his eyes looked. He put his arms around the boy and told him he would never let him go, because in his eyes, Taehyung was perfect. There was no one better than him, and there never would be.

Then Jeongguk proceeded to place a soft kiss on Taehyung’s cheek to comfort him. 

And Taehyung saw stars. While Jeongguk was just repeating one of Taehyung’s most favourite shows of affection, Taehyung was having an epiphany. All his confusion had vanished into thin air. He had found what he was looking for. He realised that he had fallen for Jeongguk - his best friend, his soul twin. Another boy.  

The discovery hit him like a tornado, but calmed him down at the same time. Who else, but Jeongguk? Taehyung smiled to himself. Who else, indeed. For Taehyung therefore, September 3rd, two days after Jeongguk’s fifteenth birthday, would always be the day his life changed, and his heart became the doe-eyed boy’s. 

And it would also be the day the nickname Gee was born. 

Shy as he was, Jeongguk never had found it awkward to call Taehyung by a myriad nicknames - it would range from Tae, to Taehyung, to Taehyungie, to bear, to tiger, to my little boba ball, to cuddle monster and anything that would suit his mood at the moment. He never used endearments for anyone else, so it was never confusing as to who he was referring to. Taehyung, being naturally affectionate, had equal (or more) nicknames for Jeongguk - Jeon, Jeonggukie, Jeonggukah, Guk Guk, Ggukie, Ggukitas, muscle bunny, bunny, bun, and the best voice in Korea, to name just a few.

While Taehyung was going through his epiphany about his feelings for Jeongguk when the latter’s lips touched his cheek, Jeongguk seemed to have his own lightbulb moment.

“You know what? I’m going to call you Gee (pronounced G) from now on. Not always. But whenever I feel like it,” he beamed.

“Gee? Why Gee? Where does that come from?”

“Uh… it’s simple, but not so simple. See. Your name is Taehyungie”

“It’s not. It’s Taehyung”

“But when do I ever call you Taehyung?”

“Point taken”

“So. Taehyungie. Taehyungie is a big word, ending with Gie (pronounced Gi) . But I can’t call you Gi, can I? So I’m gonna call you Gee (g)”

“That doesn’t make any sense, Ggukitas”

“Ohh but it does,” he whispered conspiratorially, too close to Taehyung’s ears for him to be breathing normally, “because Gee, for me, stands for Genius. My little genius.” 

“You’re so silly,” Taehyung whispered back, all his doubts about himself quelled.

“Nope, I am so serious. But Gee. Remember, if I ever call you by this nickname, you must respond. No matter how upset or angry you are with me. No judgement, no questions asked, no matter what happens… this call from me to you surpasses all. Deal?” 

“Deal. I will never be upset or angry with you Ggukie.”

“It’s a pact then.”

“Unbreakable pact.” 

That earned him another kiss on his other cheek.

And Taehyung could melt into a puddle from the cuteness. Such a roundabout way to call him a genius. Just what his muddled brain needed. Jeongguk would never hesitate to do out-of-character things just to make Taehyung happy - because he wanted to make him happy all the time. It would have been impossible for Taehyung not to fall for such a guy. 

Taehyung went home with a fluttering heart and pink cheeks that day, stars in his eyes. 

But it didn't take long for all his hopes of confessing to Jeongguk and asking him to be his boyfriend to come crashing down. He had walked into his parents discussing the disgrace of a child called Junsoo, who had dared to come out as gay. Sick, twisted, tragedy, such a failure for his parents - were the words being thrown around. They would definitely disown their son if he caught such a disease, they said. Taehyung heard it all from where he was rooted near the staircase. 

So he had just added one more potential disappointment to his parents’ list. He had to squash his feelings for the time being. It was okay if they said such things to Taehyung. But what if Taehyung confessed to Jeongguk, and Jeongguk said yes? They would use such words for Jeongguk too. And Taehyung could not let that happen. 

Like everything else he overthought, Taehyung spent hours thinking about the situation at hand. Jeongguk had always been more than a friend to him, he had never behaved with him just like any other friend. And Jeongguk didn’t even have other friends - Taehyung was his only one. So he could suppress his feelings and he could also keep his bunny safe. That was for sure. It wasn’t like he needed to jump on him right now or something. He smiled to himself at the thought. How fast had he started to see his childhood best friend in a different light! Just a few hours back, he was happy to spend his free time with his best friend. And now, all he wanted to know was how it felt to be called his bunny’s boyfriend.

But, he could control himself. He could do anything for Jeongguk actually. And this was just a matter of keeping his feelings under wraps. Maybe just… just until he became financially independent? Just until he could walk out of this house with his head held high and ask for his soulmate to accompany him? He knew even if Jeongguk ever felt anything, he would have to take the first step between the two of them. He wasn’t scared of losing Jeongguk. He didn’t think of the possibility of being rejected or being left behind. Fifteen year old Taehyung was only secure about one thing in life - the fact that no matter what happened, Jeongguk would never leave him. Because Jeongguk had said so, and Jeongguk never lied. That was his only hope, the only thing he believed in with all his heart, his only prayer, and his only dream.

But life is a bitch.

When they turned sixteen, Jeongguk decided to take up extra musical lessons. And no one was happier for him than Taehyung. According to Taehyung, Jeongguk had the best musical sense he had ever come across (it was totally a biased opinion, but did Taehyung care about that?). Now that he would be professionally trained, he would get better, and Taehyung was sure that his best friend would be ruling the music industry with his raw talent really soon. While Jeongguk was just happy to learn more about music, and maybe take up a job with a production unit, Taehyung dreamt of a hugely successful Jeongguk coming home to Taehyung and melting in his arms to get rid of all the stress of socialising for the day. And Taehyung? He would always wait for Jeongguk.

All he had to do was control his giddiness whenever he was physically close to his Ggukie, whenever he could feel his breath on his face, whenever his best friend would give him compliments that brought colour to his cheeks, and whenever he would wrap himself around Taehyung's body, nuzzling into his neck as if he couldn't bear any space between them.

Except, he had completely underestimated Jeongguk, who took just a couple of months to bring home two new friends. Not one. But two. Taehyung was so shocked he couldn’t move when he received the text, “bringing home two friends from music school, wanna come and meet them?”

He should have been happy for Jeongguk. And he was. After he got over the initial shock of being given this piece of life-altering news so casually. But there was something that kept pricking at him. It wasn’t that Jeongguk had made new friends. Of course he could do that. It was that Taehyung had no idea that he’d made friends and was close enough with them to bring them home. Why would Jeongguk keep something like this from him? They never hid anything from each other. 

Or did they? Taehyung knew that he did. The realisation that he too, had started keeping things from Jeongguk, and Jeongguk had followed suit, broke him. It took him a while to accept that things were going to change. In fact, things had started changing the minute he acknowledged his feelings for Jeongguk. He had swallowed his feelings, he could swallow this bitter pill too. He would be nice to Jeongguk’s new friends, because he wasn’t nasty. And Jeongguk had always been polite to his other friends.

Except, Jeongguk had befriended their seniors Min Yoongi, and Kim Seokjin. Min Yoongi, the musical genius who had taken Jeongguk under his wings. And Kim Seokjin, the most handsome person Taehyung had ever seen, and a beautiful singer too, no less.

Min Yoongi was Busan’s music prodigy. At seventeen, he had already written quite a few songs that were not just popular among his own school crowd, but with anyone who followed the upcoming music scene in Busan. Taehyung and Jeongguk knew about him since they would keep up with music news for Jeongguk’s interest. Yoongi was known to be a snob, not interacting much with people his age. A few people who had watched him perform at the underground scene were in awe of his rapper avatar, seemingly a complete one-eighty turnaround from the persona he maintained in school. 

The only person Yoongi had been hanging around with was Seokjin, and they would usually keep to themselves. Kim Seokjin was famous for other reasons. He wasn’t just one of the most handsome faces in Busan, but had a magical voice to match it. There were rumours galore of him having rejected offer after offer from K-Pop groups and the movie industry, only because his heart lay in cooking. He was learning music with Yoongi because his parents had pushed him to not waste his talent and good looks, but he was determined not to pursue a career in it. He was an introvert too.

Taehyung wondered how Jeongguk had become a part of this trio, but was never brave enough to ask.

Taehyung’s confidence took a huge blow when he saw Jeongguk interact with his hyungs. They were caring, they looked out for him, they were both amazing cooks (and Jeongguk LOVED to eat). But what stood out for Taehyung was how they doted on him and encouraged him in every possible way. It made him really happy to see Jeongguk being doted on, but it also made him sad to realise that he wasn’t Jeonggukie’s only one anymore. As days went by, Taehyung’s share of time with Jeongguk started decreasing. It was miniscule, the changes were indiscernible to the naked eye. But Taehyung? He felt it in his bones. Every single day. It invaded his thoughts like nothing else. Taehyung was sixteen when he suddenly found himself with a lot of time in his hands, and no one to spend it with. At first, he was stubborn, refusing to share his Jeonggukie-time with anyone else. Slowly, it became unbearable.

He couldn’t even blame Jeongguk. The boy was getting more involved with music and of course he was spending more time on it. He still made it a point to spend time with Taehyung everyday. It just wasn’t enough for Taehyung, and that wasn’t Jeongguk’s fault. Taehyung would never hold it against him. Except one day he walked in on Jeongguk back-hugging Jin in the same way that he would hug Taehyung. Taehyung gulped. 

Jealousy was rearing its ugly head inside of his heart and he could do nothing about it. Maybe this was better. Maybe, just maybe Jeongguk deserved more than Taehyung’s sorry ass. At least Jin wasn’t pretentious like him. He was an introvert, just like Jeongguk. He didn’t confuse people with his dual nature. He was pretty. He was so pretty. And Taehyung wasn’t. His eyes didn’t even match. Why should anyone like duality like that?

And that’s when he bumped into Park Jimin while some students were bullying him and Taehyung stood up for him. Jimin, the school’s residential top dancer, full of grace, beauty, and known extrovert. Jimin was also the only boy in their school who had been out of the closet and proud in his acceptance of his sexuality. When he danced, people could not take their eyes off him. If he decided you were his friend, he would be loyal to a fault. Despite the growing homophobia around them, Jimin’s aura was something no one could escape. Usually, people were nice to Jimin. It was difficult not to be around such a kind-hearted person. But some people would always be assholes. When Taehyung helped Jimin that day, he didn’t know that he’d gained a lifelong friend. 

Jimin was easy to cling to. Easy to talk to. Easy to hang around with. Slowly, Taehyung found himself drawn to someone who wasn’t Jeongguk. Not in the same way. Never in the same way. But just an amazing friend where even his extroverted self didn’t have to exert himself to be extra all the time. Jimin filled up the empty spaces around Taehyung beautifully. But his heart? It was breaking even before it had a chance to embrace how it truly felt. 

The anxiety and sadness inside of Taehyung kept growing the more he discovered how fondly Jeongguk looked at Jin. How Jin fed him. How they would get into silly fights with huge grins on their faces. How they would exchange glances filled with shared secrets. How Jeongguk would plead with Yoongi to make him his most favourite food. How Yoongi knew more about Jeongguk’s favourite music than Taehyung.

Jeongguk was trying his best to take up music for his graduation. Taehyung was spending all his quiet days trying to sketch Jeongguk. For the first time in his life, he just couldn’t get it right. Still, spending more and more time with his art kept him from losing his shit. It brought back so many memories of being left together as kids with boxes of crayons and then painting to make sure they would be quiet and constructive together. They had both picked up the habit of drawing each other when they were left to their devices like that. Sometimes, it would be them as children, sometimes it would be a tiger and bunny, sometimes, a bear and bunny, and sometimes just two silhouettes doing things they loved to do together. 

At seventeen, Taehyung wondered if Jeongguk would ever draw him anymore. He wondered if he would ever be able to finish a drawing of Jeongguk anymore.

It had been decided between them a long time back that they would not be leaving Busan. Not yet. They would work hard and pursue their graduation from the city, Taehyung taking up business school (because he had to, it was more practical and made getting jobs easier) and Jeongguk pursuing music. They would rent an apartment mid-way from both universities and live together. They would never be separated by anyone or anything.

Their first argument happened out of the blue. Taehyung walked into Jeongguk’s room and Jeongguk immediately disconnected the call he was on. It wasn’t new. This was the fifth time it had happened and Taehyung saw red. He had held back all this time but he was just coming from another session of his parents expressing their disapproval of him hanging out with Jimin all the time (because they had heard rumours about Jimin’s sexual orientation). And he was already livid. He looked at Jeongguk blankly for a few seconds, turned around, and walked out of the room and out of the house.

Of course Jeongguk followed him. But Taehyung was not having it. It hurt. He tried to be polite about it, saying that he would come back when Jeongguk had finished talking to whoever he was talking to. That he didn’t want to disturb . They both flinched at the word. A world where Taehyung disturbed Jeongguk? When did that happen? Jeongguk told him to calm down, and that the call wasn’t important. But Taehyung saw the nervousness in his eyes when he was lying. And that was the last straw. “I really don’t want to intrude or interrupt your life, Jeongguk. I will be back when you don’t feel the need to lie to me anymore,” he said as politely as possible and walked off.

The argument didn’t even last two days. All it took was a teary-eyed Jeongguk standing at the door of his room for Taehyung to pull him into a bone-crushing hug and put everything behind them.

But now when Taehyung thought about it or looked back at his memories, he realised that what he shared with Jeongguk was too good to be true. And hence, for someone like him, it wasn’t going to last. 

So it didn’t.

While Jeongguk became careful about small things that he realised had hurt Taehyung, the insecurity that had built a home inside Taehyung’s heart kept growing. Was Jeongguk having to try too hard just to keep Taehyung happy? Their bond had never been like that. He hated the fact that he had managed to become a burden for Jeongguk too. That the most spontaneous, effortlessly symbiotic relationship in his life had become so difficult to handle that Jeongguk had to walk on eggshells around him. The thought ate him alive, twenty-four-by-seven. He had to fix it. 

He needed to come clean. And leave the rest to the love of his life. Taehyung decided to confess to Jeongguk the day after his upcoming eighteenth birthday. And explain that he had been insecure because of his growing romantic feelings. If Jeongguk rejected him, he would be able to move on, at least. The bigger thing was, Jeongguk would understand his unrest and things would be clear between them. If the next stage of their friendship meant that Taehyung needed to let go and become just another friend, he would. But if… if Jeongguk felt the same… then? Taehyung couldn’t think beyond that point. It kept him up night after night.

The plan was perfect. They would always have a sleepover for their birthdays. If it was Jeongguk’s birthday, he would celebrate it with Taehyung and have dinner with both sets of parents, and for Taehyung’s birthday there was a small party. But they would always spend the last few hours of the day together and wake up to each other. That’s exactly how they liked beginning a new year of their life. And it would be then that Taehyung would confess, with the intention of spending their lives together, forever. 

However, life had its own plans. On Jeonguuk’s eighteenth birthday, Taehyung and Jeongguk had their biggest fight. And also their last. 

Taehyung hadn’t, till date, thought that it was Jeongguk’s fault. It was all on him. 

It began with Jin and Yoongi being invited for Jeongguk’s birthday. Taehyung had not been aware of it. When he walked into Jeongguk’s room to wake him up, like he always did, he found Jeongguk wrapped around Jin on his bed, and Yoongi on a makeshift bed on the floor. He almost ran away, but… it was Jeongguk’s eighteenth. He could swallow his pride. He would. He went outside and sat on the stairs to wait for them to wake up. He didn’t have the right to wake everyone up. Everyone wasn’t his Jeonggukie. 

When they woke up after an hour or two, Taehyung didn’t really know, it was Jeongguk’s call that broke his trance. “Why aren’t you here?”

“Happy Birthday Ggukie!”

“Why aren’t you here?”

“I am. Just outside. You woke up before I came to wake you up, huh?”

“Come on in. You’re late today! Did you also sleep in? Ohh, Taetae, the hyungs stayed over last night. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Me? Who am I to mind? It’s your birthday Gguks. Should I come back later?”

“No! I can’t open my eyes on my birthday without you in front of me. It’s bad luck.”

Taehyung laughed. He schooled his expressions and went inside. Wished Jeongguk. Spent the day fourth-wheeling as the trio kept singing one song after the other. All that mattered was that Jeongguk seemed happy. He was happy to sing. To make music. What more could Taehyung want? He would have his chance tomorrow morning. Things would get better. They would. They had to. 

Except, Yoongi and Jin wanted to stay back that night too. They were working on a song together that they just had to finish. 

“I… Gguk. Jeongguk. I’m just gonna go. All the best with your song you three! Goodnight!”

Taehyung mustered his bravest, most cheerful voice. 

“What do you mean you’re gonna go? You’re not staying?”

“Where?”

It slipped out before Taehyung realised it.

“What do you mean where? We always have a sleepover for our birthdays.”

“Ohh? We do? You remember?” Taehyung was on a roll, his emotions getting the better of him.

“Tae. Let’s talk outside. You’re being rude,” Jeongguk grabbed him by his elbow, and then looked at his friends, “I’m sorry hyungs, sorry for his rudeness. I will be back in a bit”

“I” not “we”.

He dragged Taehyung outside. “What the fuck was that in front of my guests?”

Taehyung’s heart broke. He had never heard this tone from Jeongguk. His sweet, loving, boy. He’d caused this. He’d made him feel insulted, ashamed in front of his friends. He’d proven his worth. And he couldn’t cause any more damage. He had to go. For the first time in his life, Kim Taehyung put on his mask in front of Jeon Jeongguk.

“I just asked a simple question Jeongguk. Where? Where would I sleep if I stayed over? Your friends have been hogging all the space since yesterday.”

“Why are you talking like that about them? They’ve been nothing but sweet to you”

“Oh please. Go back to them, won’t you? That’s all you do anyway. Running behind them like a lost puppy. Till two years back it was me, and now it's them. All you need is someone to run behind.”

“Taehyung?”

“What?” he scoffed.

“Is that what you think about me? That I run behind people?”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing? The moment you found them, you dropped me like a hot potato.”

“I…no. You can't say that, Taehyung. You know they are helping me get through the music scene. You know they are helping me get admission into Busan Arts University like we had planned. We. You and I.”

“All I can see is you falling all over Jin hyung. Why? Because he’s a pretty face?”

“Shut up. Ohh god. Stop talking. What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you talk like this? It’s… it’s my eighteenth birthday!!”

“Well then grow the fuck up and stop leaning on people for every fucking thing. I’m done with this Jeongguk. I’m done with you. You have them. Go to them. Never, ever. I repeat. Never show me your face again. I don’t want to see you ever again in my life. Happy fucking birthday.”

Jeongguk stood there stunned. And he watched Taehyung’s silhouette become smaller and smaller with every passing second.

Taehyung knew that he had ended his friendship with Jeongguk with those hurtful words. He knew what he had done was unforgivable. But he also knew that he was becoming toxic for Jeongguk. Jeongguk needed to grow. He didn’t need Taehyung to hold him back.

And yet, he waited. For two days. Then seven. Ten. The silence stretched. On the twelfth day, Taehyung spoke to his parents about transferring to Daegu, to his grandma’s. On the fourteenth, he was gone.

Jeongguk showed up at his door on the fifteenth day, looking like he hadn’t slept for days. Only to be told that Taehyung didn’t want to keep in touch with him and had forbidden his parents to divulge any information about him to anyone in his school. 

The last time Taehyung had seen Jeongguk, he was looking at him, stunned.

⧗⧗⧗

It was three years later, and Jeongguk was sitting in front of him, still looking stunned.

Chapter Text

“Did you… did you also take up graduation after your enlistment, Tae?”

The way Jeongguk loved to observe him was also unchanged. One look at him and he could already tell the visible changes. 

Taehyung didn’t want to answer. He didn't want to look at Jeongguk. He didn’t want to feel weaker than he already was. So he kept his head low.

“Go away”

“Answer me. You weren’t… this broad before”

“Go away Jeongguk”

“Just answer me damn it! I’m tired of being told to fuck off”

“Then why don’t you just fuck off?”

“I can’t”

“What do you even mean?”

“Either tell me about your past three years, or come home right now. It’s too late in the night to be here alone”

“Stop pretending that you worry about me”

“That hurts. You know? These things you say that you think will make me go away, you trying to be this unkind person that you’re not, thinking that I won’t see through them? Those words of yours hurt.”

Taehyung gulped.

He wasn’t ready for this. For Jeongguk to start reading his mind again like nothing had changed between them. He needed to process this. That he had another three years to spend in this University and he wouldn’t really be able to avoid Jeongguk. Not any more. He decided it would be better to go home. Then at least Jeongguk would stop asking questions. He stood up and started walking.

“Ohh, so that’s how it’s going to be. Okay. Fine. Two can play this game. Don’t forget Kim Taehyung, I saw you grow up in front of my eyes. I can, and I will, break that wall you have built around yourself.” 

Taehyung increased his speed of walking in response. Jeongguk caught up with him easily.

“Jimin and I completed our enlistment before applying for graduation as well. See! What a coincidence, right?”

Taehyung was resolute. He would not answer.

“So what I mean to say is, no matter how fast you walk, or how fast you run, I will always catch up to you, keep that in mind. I am not the little boy you left behind to wonder where I went wrong. I am a man now,” he grabbed Taehyung by his elbow, “who knows what he wants,” he looked into Taehyung’s eyes (his very soul), “and knows how to get it too.” He paused for effect, keeping his gaze steady on Taehyung, “now come on, let’s go home before everyone gets even more worried. You shouldn’t be worrying people like that, you know?”

They were on the well-lit roads now, and for the first time in three years, Taehyung and Jeongguk were looking into each other’s eyes. 

If there was a cliche in the history of cliches, then yeah, time stopped for Taehyung. He had given up on every hope, every possibility, every chance of running into the love of his life again, of being this close to him again. He was so lost in taking in every change, every mole, every feature, memorising everything as a habit, that he wasn’t even aware of anything going on around him. 

Jeongguk had grown even prettier. His eyes shone in the light reflected from the shop beside them. He wasn’t just lean anymore. He was looking… muscular. The kind that works out often. His features were sharper. His jaw could cut like a blade. He was right, he didn’t look like the vulnerable boy he’d left behind three years back. He looked like a man. The boy who had stolen Taehyung’s heart had transformed into the man of his dreams. 

“Mmmm, you done checking me out? I mean, I don’t blame you. I was checking you out too. But you’re taking a wee bit longer.”

That broke his train of thoughts. He pulled himself together, steeled himself, and continued to walk shaking his head. Jeongguk seemed so different from the boy he remembered. Not just because of how he looked, but his entire demeanour was different. It was bordering on extrovertedness? Taehyung couldn’t believe he was thinking like that. Maybe, maybe he was behaving with Tae like that because Jeongguk needed to prove a point to him - that his absence meant nothing to him, that he was fine, that… that he really didn’t need him, at all. 

Tears threatening to consume his entirety, Taehyung sped up his walk. Jeongguk must have sensed something, for he followed quietly. But follow, he did. It almost felt like nothing had changed between them, Jeongguk following Taehyung around everywhere. But Taehyung knew that everything had changed. 

Jeongguk followed him home. And then inside. As soon as Taehyung entered, he was engulfed into a hug by small hands belonging to a force of nature. Jimin. “Ohh thank god he found you. I wasn’t sure he would. But he was. He was damn sure. Ohh am I glad to be proven wrong this once,” he almost shrieked.

And Taehyung knew it was genuine concern. It was physically impossible to not give in to Jimin’s caring embrace. Jimin’s love was palpable, it could always be felt vibrating right under his skin. But Taehyung had to move away from all this. He had to distance himself. Why the fuck were the two of them in their apartment? Who had given them permission? Why did nothing go on as planned in his life ever?

He saw Hoseok looking at him with curious eyes. Right. Fuck. Now he would have to explain stuff. 

“I’m sorry but I’m really, really tired. My apologies for getting all of you so worked up. I’m gonna head off to bed now.”

He did the only thing he thought could save him at that moment till he came up with an excuse for his behaviour, his lies, the way he chose to live his life. He’d have to make up yet another story. Fucking hell. 

Four pairs of eyes watched him retreat to his room, three of them inquisitive, only one of them soft. As soon as the door clicked shut, Hoseok looked at Jimin and Jeongguk, “I need answers.”

Jimin opened his mouth but Jeongguk beat him to it, “I think… I think it’s his story to tell. Let’s go, Chim. Goodnight hyungs, I will see you around.” He glanced at the closed door and noticed something near it… walked towards it, picked up a few crumpled pieces of paper, opened them, and smiled sadly. Put one in his pocket, and walked back towards Jimin, “I will definitely see you around. Much more than you can imagine.” 

Art by Vishu

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ .

The next morning, Taehyung dragged himself out of his room. At some point, he would have to. It didn’t help his cause that it was a Saturday - meaning both his hyungs would be home. What fun, he thought to himself. Though in his heart he knew that he had to do this. He had to come clean to the two people who had been his only support since he had moved to Seoul. It was one thing to hold on to his secrets when no one knew about them, yet another to purposefully hide when the truth was almost out of the bag.

Having slept over his haywire emotions the night before, Taehyung had decided to come clean to his hyungs, as much as he could without revealing the parts that were really to blame for his broken self.

⧗⧗⧗

Leaving for Daegu had changed Taehyung in more ways than one. For the first few days, he had just cried. Then he had mulled over what he was going to do because all of his life plans included Jeongguk in some way or the other. And now none of that was going to happen. Lost and bewildered, Taehyung felt the need to confide in someone, to just understand or get a sense of direction, just have someone tell him what to do, where to go from here. He had never felt more lonely.

So, he took a leap of faith and confided in one person, his grandmother. It was a huge risk, but having lost Jeongguk, he had started to feel that he didn’t have anything left to lose in life. Jeongguk may have just lost a friend, but Taehyung? He lost everything. 

By some stroke of luck, Taehyung’s risk paid off. Not only did his halmeoni listen to him without any judgement, but also understood his predicament and heartbreak. She had always loved Jeongguk too. “Are you sure he doesn’t have feelings for you too sweetheart? That boy looks at you like you hung the stars in the night sky.”

“But he looks at Jin hyung with love, halmeoni. He’s never looked at me like that.”

“Well, I suppose you know him best.”

I used to, Taehyung thought to himself.

His grandmother had seen how broken Taehyung was. Though she felt in her gut that this was a huge misunderstanding, she also felt that maybe some distance between the two would help them open up their worlds to other people. Maybe make them a little more independent. She had always felt that the two boys were complementary to each other’s souls - acting like a support system where the other was lacking. She hadn’t known that it would turn romantic, her thoughts not that progressive yet. But when she heard Taehyung tell his story, she didn’t feel any differently for him. Her grandson was in love, and she needed to be by his side. That’s all she felt at the moment. And it’s not like he’d fallen for a bad person. Jeongguk was an amazing human being, quite her favourite among all of Taehyung’s friends she had met. A strong believer in fate, she was sure they would find their way back to each other if it was meant to be. But no one should place their happiness in others’ hands, she thought.

She took it upon herself to convince Taehyung’s parents to let him complete the remainder of his school year at Daegu, mentioning how the changing currents (read increasing homosexuality) in and around Busan would corrupt the boy, and how he was safer in the more conservative Daegu. Taehyung’s parents took the bait. Through halmoeni’s connections, Taehyung was transferred to Daegu to complete his school year.

The first week of school was the hardest. New faces, new classrooms, new teachers, new seats. And no Jeongguk. Every day, he walked mindlessly to school, went through his classes like a robot, took down notes, and walked back home alone. The boy who was known as a social butterfly in his previous school would sit by himself, eat his lunch by himself, hardly talk to anyone, and blend into the crowd like he was a nobody. As the weeks rolled by, he came to be known as the snobbish new guy who didn’t even try to make friends with anyone. Taehyung just fell into a monotonous routine of getting things done because there was no other option.

He hated every single moment of it. He wasn’t used to going to school without Jeongguk. He wasn’t used to doing his homework without Jeongguk. He wasn’t used to spending his days without talking to Jeongguk. He wasn’t used to doing anything without Jeongguk, really. And to be honest, he had grown quite attached to Jimin too. He missed Jimin, but as much as he wanted, he couldn’t keep in touch with him. He knew he would end up initiating a conversation about Jeongguk and that would break his resolve. 

He missed Jeongguk so much that he started to withdraw into himself completely. Slowly, the ambivert started turning into a complete introvert - and the surprising thing for him was that, instead of missing the other half of his personality, he found solace in embracing just one side of it. It made him feel closer to his introverted soulmate. Like Jeongguk had transcended from being in front of his eyes all the time, to being a part of his self .

Another major change that happened for Taehyung was that, the more he grew accustomed to solitude, the more he started seeing through the gaps in his parents’ behaviour. Living with his halmoeni, he realised love was about accepting people the way they were and not making them believe that they were flawed to a fault. Despite being a woman in her eighties, his halmeoni was quick to unlearn everything she’d learned during her upbringing and embrace his queerness. She didn’t love him any less. Why could his parents not love him unless he was perfect? The thought did not just keep him up at night, it also enabled him to chalk out his plan for his next steps. Steps that didn’t require his parents’ approval, nor any dependency towards them. After his high school graduation, Kim Taehyung shocked his parents by enlisting in the military. He needed time away from his studies, from regular life, from having to make decisions. He needed routine, instructions, and no emotions. He just needed some control back on his own life. He needed to detach himself, break himself completely, and rebuild himself as a new person.

Nothing of the sort happened.

He watched himself fall even more pathetically in love, pining after the boy he could never have. Spending all his bad days trying to draw Jeongguk, and never being able to  finish a portrait that used to come to him so naturally. Taehyung had lost himself.

Determined to be able to finish the portraits some day, Taehyung gave in to his long suppressed dream and enrolled into the fine arts after he was released from the military. His parents disowned him promptly. Realising that this was a relationship that would never get better, Taehyung took the opportunity to reveal his sexual orientation to them at the same time, post which he only saw disgust and fear in their eyes. Cutting them off didn’t sting anymore. Having lost his halmoeni during the last leg of his service, Taehyung was now really all alone in this world. 

It was at her funeral that he had met Joon’s parents. The kind-hearted souls had taken mercy on him, which had led to him applying for the college where Joon studied, and landing up in this apartment, paying minimal rent from whatever his halmeoni had left him, his savings from the military earnings, and what he could manage from his part time job. The admission into fine arts was on a full scholarship.

⧗⧗⧗

He owed his hyungs an explanation for his lies.

Hoseok and Namjoon were sitting at the dining table already when he dragged his feet along to greet them, grumbling in a pout. He was expecting a cold reaction for everything that he put them through yesterday. Instead, he got a hug from Namjoon, along with a whisper, “no pressure Tae. You speak with us when you feel like it, okay?”

That broke him. He had long become unused to such understanding. And his mind couldn’t fathom how they could be so kind especially after he behaved uncharacteristically like a brat. 

“I am an ambivert”

It came out of him like an apology, as he flopped down on the third chair in front of his two roommates. They looked at each other, sharing glances of disbelief, but silent. Taehyung continued to speak, his eyes on the ground.

“I used to live in Busan before moving to Daegu. My halmoeni used to live there. Jimin, Jeongguk and I used to go to the same school in Busan. Jeongguk is my… was. He was my best friend.”

His voice broke at the end of the sentence. 

“We… fell out with each other almost three years back. I haven’t seen them since.”

Hoseok sighed, “he was very worried about you yesterday when Jimin called him.”

“He gets… used to get like that about me.”

“And what happened with Jimin?”

“Nothing… I… just left Busan and didn’t keep in touch with anyone.” 

“Over a falling out with a friend?”

“Best… yeah. No. I… sorry I… I can’t explain anymore. It’s just. Sorry.”

“It’s okay Taetae,” Namjoon signalled to Hoseok to cut it out, “it seems like a sensitive topic. We get it. Thank you for sharing that. You mentioned being an ambivert but we’ve never seen your… extroverted side.”

“I don’t like it anymore”

“It doesn’t really work that way, does it?”

“I…”

Taehyung was cut off by an insistent knock on the door. He frowned, shook his head, and as if involuntarily walked up to the door, muttering things to himself. “You still knock like that? Like a madman?”

“You remember?” Jeongguk grinned at him from the other side.

That brought him back to reality. “Why are you here? Again? ”

“I got breakfast!” Jeongguk barged in, “hey hyungs! This is an apology for last night. Here, I got breakfast for all of you. Here’s some sandwiches. I got chicken ones to be on the safe-side. Jimin said you guys aren’t vegetarians. And here Tae bug, your strawberry cupcake to go with breakfast.”

“He doesn’t like sweets,” Hoseok said.

“In which universe?” Jeongguk wonders aloud.

“Seems like my life is a lie,” Hoseok grumbled, clearly upset at the way things were unfolding. But nobody was paying any attention. Because Namjoon’s eyes were stuck on something else… someone else. Make that two people and their interaction.

“You brought me a cupcake?” Taehyung couldn’t take his eyes off Jeongguk who held the cake so close to Taehyung’s lips that he could almost taste the strawberries on it.

“‘Course I did Taetae. You can’t eat sandwiches without them,” he smiled, “how can you eat something salty and not follow it up with something sweet?” he mimicked. Taehyung did a double take. He was still in a daze. How was this happening in his life? It must be a dream. He rubbed his eyes.

Jeongguk held his hand and brought him to the table, served him his sandwiches, and then to the two other boys, and started helping himself from Taehyung’s plate as if that was perfectly natural. Then, he started making small talk with the hyungs, asking about their courses, making jokes, getting to know them like talking to strangers was his second nature. Taehyung could do nothing but stare. This wasn’t his Jeongguk. 

This wasn’t his Jeongguk. His Jeongguk didn’t make small talk with strangers. Taehyung squeezed his eyes close and shut his ears, shaking his head.

“Tae? Taetae?”

Jeongguk’s attention was on him in an instant. Taehyung opened his eyes. Nothing had changed. He was still in the same place and strange things were still happening around him.

“Who are you? Who the fuck are you? I don’t know you. I don’t know this exuberant person who talks to everyone he meets like he’s known them forever! You talk to me like we never stopped talking! You… you. You’ve changed. You’ve changed so much I can’t…I can’t recognise you,” Taehyung was shouting. He stood up from his chair and moved backwards.

Jeongguk’s eyes softened. He didn’t move.

“And why are you here? Why are you here this morning behaving like nothing’s the matter? I haven’t seen you in three years, Jeon Jeongguk. You think you can just waltz into my life like nothing happened and I will adjust to your presence the way… the way…I …your… abse…. Why the FUCK are you here?”

“I want us to be friends again,” Jeongguk was unmoved, calm, serene, unbothered.

“You. You can’t decide that on your own. It’s not your decision to make!”

“Ohh?”

“Ohh? What do you mean ohh? You can’t just decide for the both of us.”

Suddenly, Jeongguk wasn’t in his seat anymore. He was right inside Taehyung’s personal space, like he owned it.

“Is that how it works?” Jeongguk cocked his head to one side, his tongue in his cheek. Taehyung knew this look too well. The competitive, possessive side of the introvert making its presence felt. “Correct me if I’m wrong, Taehyung,” Taehyung shuddered at the use of his full name, “but I seem to remember that three years back, YOU made the decision for us, by yourself . I’m simply being fair by taking the reins in my hands this time. You decided that we should not be friends, and now I’ve decided that we should be. Let’s call it square, and forget about it.” He moved closer to Taehyung, leaning into his face so that Taehyung could feel the warmth of his breath. “I was younger, naive, and bewildered then. The anger and the hear…feelings got the better of me. Today I know better than to let you go, again.”

He turned around. “Let's get back to eating, should we?” he said in a perfectly normal voice, before turning back to Taehyung, his face so close that Taehyung could smell his aftershave, his voice so low it sent shivers down Taehyung’s spine, “I’ll make sure you get to know me, again. As well as possible, my bear.” 

Taehyung took a while to steady himself. He could say no right at this instant. He could. He should. He absolutely should. And knowing Jeongguk, if Taehyung said no and meant it, he would move away and never bother him again. But he couldn’t seem to make himself say the words. The truth was that Jeongguk did seem in control. He seemed mature. And he seemed to want Taehyung back in his life desperately. Even after all these years. Even after everything that happened.

And the biggest difference was that he wasn’t afraid to articulate it. And that… as much as that thought seemed to warm Taehyung’s heart, he could also feel a different heat creep up his entire body too. The confidence with which Jeongguk wanted Taehyung back in his life was… hot. 

It was also that confidence that put the tiniest seed of doubt in Taehyung’s mind. Had he not taken the right decision back then?

Eighteen year old Taehyung had fled from a situation he couldn’t handle in the hope that it would make everyone else’s life better if they didn’t have to deal with him. Twenty-one year old Kim Taehyung was a broken soul, cornered, covered head to toe in insecurities, quiet, withdrawn. His hurt had fed on the demons planted in his head and grown in leaps and bounds over the years with no one to tell him otherwise. With Jeongguk’s sudden reappearance in his life, his loneliness was seeking refuge in the latter’s arms, but the insecurities were still alive and well, all his questions were still unanswered and scary, and he needed so much more than words and appearances to help him believe in anything good once again.

So as daunting as Jeongguk seemed to him, breathing into his face, making claims that Taehyung desperately wanted to believe, he broke their staring contest, squared his shoulders, and retorted, “I’d like to see you try.”

To his amazement, Jeongguk’s smile did not falter, neither did his stance. In fact, his grin widened when he said, “I knew you wouldn’t say no.” He flicked Taehyung’s chin, opening flood-gates of memories yet again, returned back to the table, picked up his half-eaten sandwich from Taehyung’s plate and started eating, gesturing to the two spectators to finish their food as well. “We don’t waste food Taetae,” he reminded Taehyung.

Taehyung ate his sandwiches. Jeongguk left shortly after and immediately Taehyung’s surroundings felt cold. Like it had felt for the past three years. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

The realisation brought tears to Taehyung’s eyes. No matter how much he fought himself, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he could live without Jeongguk, his soul knew he couldn’t. He had always thought of Jeongguk as his partner - the one he could share his life with, in any capacity. Jeongguk’s absence from his life meant that it had felt incomplete. They had practically lived with each other, seeing each other for the better part of the day, every single day, for over a decade. They had been with each other through thick and thin, through the summers and the rainy days, and through grey winters. They had laughed together as much as they had cried together, they had shared secrets as much as they had shared stories, they had created memories worth a lifetime. It was hard to let go of such an intense bond. Maybe the space had done them good, and maybe they were supposed to find their way back to each other… only time would tell. But Taehyung couldn’t deny that a slight excitement was buzzing under his skin ever since he had heard Jeongguk’s name from Jimin yesterday.

Jimin. Aah yes. He seemed to be very close to Jeongguk now. Before getting excited about anything, he needed to know their story. He didn’t want to set himself up for another heartbreak, and neither did he want to make Jimin feel the way he felt when he was slowly being replaced. He needed to be careful.

“Are you done overthinking?” Hoseok’s voice broke through the fog in his brain.

“Yes?”

“Are you done overthinking every single thing that has happened since yesterday?” Hoseok asked again.

“I’m not… uhh… I…”

“Yeah right,” Hoseok walked close to Taehyung and wrapped him up in a hug. “Taehyungah, this boy was hurt when you left him behind. I don’t know if you were looking at his eyes when he spoke, but I could see the flashes of hurt while he was trying to be cocky. He’s trying hard. He wants to mend this. I suggest you give yourself a chance. It does seem like you’re not over it either, given the way he affects you.”

“He doesn’t…”

“No more hiding, Taehyungah. I’ve been watching you since yesterday and I know how hard life has been on you, but you don’t need to hide from us. We won’t… we don’t judge you for hiding up until now. But don’t, anymore. We could be the support system you need. No questions asked,” Namjoon’s voice was soothing, as always. “You can share your story if you want, there’s no pressure. But this boy seems to have been a very special part of your life. And it would make us really, really glad, to see your smiles finally reflected in your eyes.”

Taehyung was too choked to voice an answer. But he nodded as he put his tired head on Hoseok’s shoulder.

His mind needed rest. His life needed Jeongguk.

But most of all, it was critical for him to know how much Jeongguk really needed him. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

Taehyung wasn’t sure what to expect from Jeongguk after this. All he knew was that every single hopeful idea he had buried deep inside his heart was threatening to emerge from their hideouts. Every time he thought about how close Jeongguk had been to him, the way he had looked at him, and the words he had said, he shivered. He needed to tell someone about how he was feeling, but he couldn’t bring himself to. It was him, and his thoughts, same as always. Except, this time, his mind was playing tricks on him, trying to dig through his memories to see if Jeongguk had ever looked at him this way before… the way he was looking at him now. 

He couldn’t… he couldn’t decipher this look. It was not soft and sweet and all trusting, it was something way more intense, and Taehyung had no idea what it meant. 

Jeongguk became his everyday once again. 

It was like the three years in the middle had vanished. Jeongguk would arrive with breakfast every day, walk him to his classes, tell him anecdotes from the years he missed, and sometimes even turn up outside the door of his last class for the day and walk him home, spilling yet another unknown tidbit of information. It made Taehyung want to cry his eyes out, but he held strong. Jeongguk never pushed him to share anything, as if he knew that Taehyung wasn’t ready yet. 

Taehyung didn’t ask how Jeongguk knew his routine by heart. It wasn’t new.

In a week or so, Taehyung got used to waking up, getting ready and waiting for Jeongguk’s arrival. The latter would always bring one of his favourite dishes along with something healthy. And he would always bring enough for four. Somewhere along the line, Jimin had joined in, and now, there were five mismatched chairs around the dining table in Taehyung’s shared apartment with Hoseok and Namjoon. One of the days Taehyung had asked Jeongguk not to splurge his money, and Jeongguk had not laughed it off. He had patiently explained to Taehyung how his parents sent him a handsome amount every month and how he didn’t have much to spend it on. He said they’d been ecstatic to know that he’d found Taehyung again, and were now sending him extra money. 

“They have always considered you family, Taetae,” he shrugged matter-of-factly and all the arguments Taehyung had built up against the piece of information crumbled under a huge mountain of shame. He hadn’t even had the courtesy of bidding Jeongguk’s parents goodbye before he left. He was so blind-sided by his own heartbreak, he didn’t stop to think about the two people who’d always embraced him as he was, much more than his own parents.

“Could I… I mean… well, maybe not,” Taehyung stuttered,

“They’d love to talk to you, whenever you’re ready. They understand it’s difficult for you right now. There’s no rush,” Jeongguk smiled kindly at him. Taehyung willed the ground to swallow him whole, but alas, that wasn’t likely to happen. This eerie way that Jeongguk had, of reading him even after not interacting with him for so many days would drive him insane one day. 

During their daily walks Taehyung learned that Jeongguk was accepted into the Busan Arts College for a degree in music. In fact, after hearing him sing, and play his guitar, they had offered him a full scholarship even though he hadn’t even applied for one. 

“But I stood there, with the forms in my hand, and I kept looking for the one person I wanted to share that happiness with, and you weren’t there. So it didn’t make sense to me, taking that scholarship, getting into that college. I declined the offer and signed up for my military service instead. I needed to get all that frustration out of my system,” Jeongguk told him, his voice unwavering, as if this was normal. “You know, I was livid. I was so angry with you for the first few months that I would snap at anyone who took your name.” Taehyung winced at that, keeping his head low, fighting back his tears. “I was enraged. I hated you. I never wanted to see you again. I just… I couldn’t believe you’d left me like that. As if all those years had meant nothing to you. As if I… meant nothing to you. And I hated you for it. But then… then I met Jimin. It was after meeting him that I realised that I didn’t hate you at all. I simply couldn’t… I just, I hated that feeling of being left behind by you. You, out of all the people in the world. You… my… you.”

“I’m sorry Jeonggukie… I…,” Taehyung choked on his tears. He had never thought about it from Jeongguk’s perspective. He hadn’t allowed himself to. He had just let the power of his insecurities topple over the bond that they had built brick by brick, with so many feelings. He felt like a criminal. 

“It’s… aish. We were kids, bear. We were just kids. It’s okay. Things happen. Life happens. Just… never leave me again, okay?”

Taehyung didn’t answer. He couldn’t bring himself to. He heard Jeongguk sigh defeatedly beside him.

The next morning, Jeongguk didn’t show up. 

Jimin came, with the bag of breakfast. Taehyung had almost refused to eat until he saw that strawberry cupcake in the assortment. It meant that Jeongguk had put it together for him. Had he hurt him that much the day before by not answering? Had he already given up on him? Had he realised that Taehyung really wasn't worth it?

Jimin asked if he could walk him to his class. Taehyung still couldn’t bring himself to ask if Jeongguk was alright. Ridiculous, he thought to himself, it’s just a simple question. What if he’s had enough already and is easing the blow by sending Jimin in his place? His brain supplied.

“Let me tell you about how Jeonggukie and I met,” Jimin began. “It was actually because of you, so you should know!” 

Had Jeongguk told Jimin that Taehyung was curious about them? Taehyung wondered, He hadn’t shared it with Jeongguk, but Jeongguk knew him like the back of his hand.

“Did he tell you that he enlisted right after school? The angry young man that he had become. People in school were terrified of rubbing him the wrong way. It wasn’t that he did anything. But his glares. Oh my god, I still tease him about it. He used to glare at anyone and everyone who would cross his path. Thankfully, I never did. I was too busy trying to figure out where my little Tae baby had disappeared.”

With each detail revealed, Taehyung felt like he was the most selfish person on earth. When he’d left, he’d been sure that nobody would miss him. And in a matter of a few weeks, he already knew of at least four people who did. Who missed him so much that it made them sad, confused, and hurt. 

“I… maybe someday I will tell you why I did what I did, Chi…Jimin. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that I hurt you. I’m sorry,” he earnestly said. No matter what the current relationship between Jimin and Jeongguk might be, he was indeed sorry about what he had done. Even if he had needed to get away, his choice of method had clearly been wrong. He realised that now. 

“We were kids. High on hormones. Yeah? I was never angry with you, Taetae. I was just worried. I am so happy to be able to see you now. You need to understand that. Our love is so much bigger than any other feeling,” Jimin chimed. “Back to my story,” he said, as if that was the most important thing, “guess where Jeonggukah and I met? At the training centre! Hahahahahhahha … imagine! Two people who hardly spoke to each other at school landed up at the same training centre!” Jimin’s eyes had a faraway look to them.

⧗⧗⧗

Jimin had just picked up all his stuff to get settled into the room allotted to him when he saw someone extremely familiar.

“Jeon Jeongguk? Is that you?”

“Park… Park Jimin? Taehyung’s friend?”

“Soulmate, I used to think”

“Pfft. He only has one soulmate, and that’s me”

“Last I heard, you didn’t know where he was, either,” Jimin scoffed. But one look at Jeongguk and he instantly regretted saying that as the impact of the sentence became visible, too visible on Jeongguk’s face.

“Yeah… true,” his face crumbled with pain.

“I’m… I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have. I… fuck! I am so sorry Jeongguk!”

“It’s alright. I have to get used to the truth some day.”

“Hmmm,” Jimin tried to change the topic, “So how come you enlisted right after school? Weren’t you supposed to take up music at Busan Arts College?”

“How did you know that?”

“Uhh. Taehyung used to talk about you all the time?”

“All the time?”

“Yeah. I mean, why are you so surprised? You two were attached at the hips. It was always Jeonggukie this… my Jeonggukie that. My Jeonggukie is the best voice in Korea. So why the military? Why not music?”

“Why did you?”

“Me? Ohh. It’s simple for me. Taehyung used to say that it is a good idea to complete your enlistment…”

“... before entering grad school so that life doesn’t have to take any breaks later.”

The two of them looked at each other incredulously. Wow. Kim Taehyung had left quite a mark in their lives.

They hit it off, training together, exchanging stories, learning about each other, learning more about Taehyung through each other, missing the boy a little less by sharing their pain.

⧗⧗⧗

“You…both of you… enlisted early because of me?”

“Yeah. You’re the reason we’re such great friends, Taehyung. Our bond grew while we learnt to navigate life without you.”

“Friends?”

“That’s all you took from there?”

“Are you… are you two just friends?”

“And roommates, yeah. What else could we be? I mean… yeah, he’s like a brother to me now. He can’t live without me.”

“Brother”

“Why are you repeating particular words?” 

“No reason.”

The relief that spread its wings through his entire body left Taehyung almost light-headed. And Jimin quietly watched from the sidelines, a fondness taking over his features at the realisation of what he had just seen unfold. His job here was done for the day. 

Now all he had to do was to report to Jeongguk that Taehyung would never leave his side. Not today, not ever. The idiot had been moping over Taehyung’s silence in answer to his question since last evening. 

If Jimin had carefully omitted that he was secretly interested not in Jeongguk, but in one of his friends, then it was only because it wasn’t time yet. 

His train of thought was broken by Taehyung’s voice, “Chi…Jimin, why are we taking this route?”

“Isn’t this how you get to the Arts building?”

“Umm… I mean, I guess you could? But Jeonggukie always takes this other route where there are a lot of flowers around, and he says it's quicker too. I haven’t really checked because if he says it, it must be true. I’ve already forgotten my regular route thanks to him. When he’s with me, I don’t really think too much, you know? It’s so easy to just follow him. I’ve always been bad with directions, so I never change routes once I figure them out. Ohh well. I guess I need to pay attention to the turns on this route and learn it as well, given how I have this habit of scaring people away.”

Did Taehyung have any idea how much of his heart he had given away in this conversation with Jimin today? Probably not. Probably, based on the stories he’d heard from Hobi, this was the first time that Taehyung was talking without first thinking it through twenty thousand times, the natural camaraderie that he shared with Jimin shining through, breaking all the barriers Taehyung had put up between them. Ohh Jimin could hug him right now. Snuggle into him like he would bury himself into Taehyung’s heart, like he always used to do, taking advantage of their difference in height. 

But it would probably be a bit too overwhelming for him at this point in time. Jiminie-special hugs needed to wait for a bit. And Jeon Jeongguk needed to start articulating himself better. What Jimin had seen today was a glimpse into how deep Taehyung’s insecurities ran. If his friend wanted to be back in Taehyung’s life for good, he needed to stop expecting that Taehyung would just understand everything and react in the way Jeongguk wanted him to. Even the best people needed reassurance in life, and this Taehyung seemed to be a broken version of the Taehyung he’d known back in school. Jeongguk was definitely in for a smack on the head today.

Taehyung, completely unaware of what he had said, kept walking. He was too busy wondering how he could have handled yesterday’s situation better, and blaming himself for Jeongguk’s disappearance, to notice worldly things around him. Jimin ran a short bit to catch up to him, walking him to his building.

“Will you show me the turns on this route tomorrow?” Taehyung asked expectantly at the door. And immediately, at the implication of what he’d said, his face fell. “I mean. I didn’t mean that. I meant… what I meant was, thank you for walking with me today Jimin. It was nice. It was good. Thank you. And you really don’t have to bother, okay? I know Jeongguk won’t turn up,” he winced, realising he’d let slip something he shouldn’t have, “I mean, no one owes me anything. I will figure out my way. Thank you for today, really.”

That was enough for Jimin. And his patience. He rammed into Taehyung and wrapped him up in a reassuring hug, immediately realising how small Taehyung had learned to curl himself into. “I would love to spend time with you every single day, Taetae. That will never change. You remember that. Go on now. I’ll get going for my practice if I don’t want to get killed by Hobi hyung! Have you seen his side-eye? Bombastic, I tell you!”

Taehyung smiled at that. And Jimin ran towards his shared apartment. He had a head to smack some sense into.

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

Inspiration came to Taehyung easily that day, as it did whenever he missed Jeongguk dearly (and secretly). As he kept wondering if Jeongguk would come to see him ever again, his brush worked on the empty canvas and the colours meshed up on their own to create melancholic hues. He painted like a mad man, his brush flowing of its own accord. Before he knew it, he was staring at a painting of two young boys, running towards the ocean, hand in hand, with no care in the world. It was a moment captured in time. Something that smelled of nostalgia, and was steeped in memories. How he used to love to spend his days at the beach with his most favourite boy in the world, splashing water at each other, and swimming to their heart's content. And how they would sit by the beach, with no space between the two of them, and watch the sun go down in the horizon, painting the skies in its myriad hues.

Taehyung wished he could turn back time. 

When he was done adding the final touches, his classmates and his professor ooh-ed and aah-ed at the choice of colours, the depiction of nostalgia, the artistry of capturing boyhood in a frame. And all Taehyung could think was that - he’d had this, and he’d lost it. Sometimes he wondered what would happen if happiness made its way back into his life. Would he lose his ability to paint? The very talent that had got him through this program? Or was it that he couldn’t draw Jeongguk’s portrait anymore because the source of his happiness was itself missing from his life? He wondered (he knew) if it was his happiness (his Jeongguk) that he was looking for everytime he was trying to recreate that portrait. 

And he knew, if it were about finding happiness by finding his way back to Jeongguk, he would happily give up on everything else in return. 

Taehyung shook his head. He didn’t know why he’d ever thought he could get over this doe-eyed piece of his heart. He gathered his things, moving his canvas over to the space near the window for it to dry, and he suddenly realised that it was time to go home, alone. A speck of fear crept up his spine. Jimin had walked him here, but how would he get home?

Taehyung lived with two monsters in his head - depression and anxiety, and they had made him a slave of routine. At the military, he’d thrived, because there he’d simply had to follow orders, and instructions. The reason why he made it to class everyday on time was because he followed the same route, because the scholarship kept him tied to his routine. The reason why he hated depending on anyone was because it was too easy to let go. His head would find it liberating to just let go for once, to not have to juggle millions of thoughts while navigating directions or figuring out how to go about a new, additional piece of information to life. He needed routine so that his mind did not go overboard with thoughts that would cripple him.

Depression - telling him nothing was worth it.

Anxiety - telling him he was causing havoc with every breath he took.

How would he get home today? He couldn’t ask anyone for help. The thought itself was mortifying… inconveniencing someone else for his sake? Oh hell no. 

He figured that he would have to balance his thoughts and find a route on GPS, and keep his eye on the route, as well as not get lost on his way while missing Jeongguk. How was he going to manage that? Would he get into an accident? Ah that would be alright if he got killed, but what if he survived with injuries? Then that would just mean putting a whole lot of people into trouble. He knew he was overreacting, going down a spiral over a simple thing like going back home. But that’s the thing with mental health, seemingly trivial issues could lead you down a spiralling hole and keep you from coming back up for air. The anxiety almost paralysed him. He held the door and took deep breaths, his feet unwilling to move forward, unwilling to leave the comfort of this known space that was the art room. He shouldn’t have started depending on Jeongguk again. 

Taehyung didn’t know how long he was stuck in the room, until a voice broke through the silence, “Tae, Taehyungie? Are you still in there? I was waiting for you outside but it seems like everyone left. So I came in.”

Relief spread like light in Taehyung’s dark world. He ran towards the source of the voice and before he knew it, he was hugging Jeongguk like he was holding on to dear life. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,” he chanted like a mantra. 

“Hey, hey. Hey, I’m here Tae. I’m here. What happened? Why didn’t you leave? Were you stuck with something? Are you okay?” Jeongguk’s voice was as soft and tender as it was on Taehyung’s quiet days back in their growing up years. The familiarity worked like magic on him. The soft reassurance brought him back to reality and he moved away from Jeongguk, a little shaken, embarrassed at his actions, but still feeling warm at how Jeongguk had reacted.

“Let’s go home,” he whispered.

“Let’s,” Jeongguk answered, no questions asked. His eyes hadn’t missed the painting near the window. 

They walked back side-by-side, through the same route adorned by flowers on the sideways. Jeongguk had lied. This was the longer route. It helped him spend more time with Taehyung. 

“I won’t disappear again like I did this morning, I promise. And I am sorry. Could you give me your number so that if I cannot come someday, for whatever reason, I can let you know?”

“I’m not going to leave you. If you want to stay, I am not going to leave you,” Taehyung mumbled. “I wanted to say it, but I… struggle with...” 

“Hey, it’s alright Gee. I know you won’t. Because I won’t let you go,” Jeongguk smiled. “It was stupid of me to get scared and stay away, because this time if you go anywhere, I will follow you. I will follow you to the end of the earth. Because I miss you too much not to,” he stretched out his hand, “and now, number please?”

“I… you, you want my number? Really?”

“I do. I should have asked for it on the day we met again,” Jeongguk sighed, “but you probably would have refused that day. I hope you will give it to me today. There’s just… so much that I… you know… every day, there are so many moments that make me pause and think, ohh, I want to share that with my…. You. But I can’t because you don’t live right next door and I don’t have your number.”

“You want to share bits about your day… with me?” disbelief laced through Taehyung’s voice.

“I do. You’ll see. Do you trust me enough to share your number?”

“I trust… I always trusted you,” Taehyung sighed, “that never changed, Ggukie… Jeongguk.”

He held out his hand to ask for Jeongguk’s phone and typed in his number, his heart hammering against his chest. Would Jeongguk really text him? Or was he just being polite? Had he looked so pathetic this morning that Jimin had gone and asked Jeongguk to come pick him up? Was Jeongguk doing this for Jimin? Or did he really want to?

Too many questions he dared not ask. Insecurities can get you in a chokehold and drag you away from happiness even if it is staring at you right in the eye.

At the door, Taehyung badly wanted to take a leap of faith and invite Jeongguk in, ask him to spend some time with him, to make up for the time they’d lost in the morning. But what would Jeongguk think? Too clingy? Too much? He kept fidgeting with his shirt and rocking on his feet. “If you don’t mind, could I come in and spend some time with you? I missed you this morning,” Jeongguk’s voice startled him. Relief. Happiness. Love.

There could be no one on earth that Kim Taehyung would ever be able to love more than he loved Jeon Jeongguk.

He didn’t counter it. It took him all his strength to take the leap of faith but he nodded as he opened the door to the apartment and welcomed Jeongguk inside for the first time. But as much as he wanted to take him to his room, he couldn’t push himself that far yet. (It was another thing that with a single look at the room, Jeongguk would know Taehyung lived surrounded by him. From the pillows to the plushies to the blanket to the windchime, everything had been a gift from Jeongguk.)

“I wanted to apologise for how I behaved yesterday, and this morning,” Jeongguk turned to his side to face Taehyung who sat by him on the couch. “We decided to take things slow, and here I was, pushing you to tell me things when you’re clearly not ready yet. Three years is a long time, Gee. I had Jimin by my side for most of those three years, and I also had my hyungs. But you, you were on your own. And I wasn’t there. There are days when I feel like a failure as a friend. Days when I feel I should have put in more effort. When I realise that I shouldn’t have taken you for granted. Would you… ever be able to forgive me for that?” Jeongguk’s eyes had glossed over, and Taehyung knew that the boy would break down at any moment. He held the boy by his shoulders, always eager to heal others even if he was the one breaking inside.

“Forgive you? Me? Jeonggukie you deserve the world. Always did. I’m just me. I survived.”

“I deserve the world?”

“You do”

Jeongguk lifted his teary eyes and looked straight into Taehyung’s.

“Then why did you take my world away from me? Were my mistakes so big that you couldn’t overlook them?” he almost whimpered.

Taehyung couldn’t hear a single word after ‘my world’ . Jeongguk couldn’t be serious about this. His world? 

There was something in Jeongguk’s gaze that stopped Taehyung from questioning that thought. Jeongguk always had difficulty lying and Taehyung knew that. And right now, as he gazed into the boy’s eyes, he could also feel the sadness emanating from them in waves… the sadness of having lost something… someone… that he held closest to his heart. Words failed him as he gave into that magnetic pull that was Jeon Jeongguk. And for the second time that day, he pulled Jeongguk into a bone crushing hug, holding on to him as if his life depended on it. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I shouldn’t have. I didn’t realise it would hurt you this bad. I was so into my head… I… Ggukie… baby… I am so sorry.”

“Don’t apologise,” came Jeongguk’s broken voice from where he nuzzled into his shoulder, “I know I did things that hurt you. I didn’t realise it then, but now I know,” he said through broken sobs. His hands moved, as if on their own accord, to cup Taehyung’s face and by sheer habit, he started placing feather-light kisses all over Taehyung’s face, starting with every single one of his moles, a favourite thing for him to do ever since he had started returning Taehyung’s affectionate gestures. Taehyung’s eyes were closed from the sensation of Jeongguk’s lips on his skin. This had to be a dream. This was definitely a dream. 

Because these kisses didn’t feel like the innocent ones that his friend used to place chastely on his face. These kisses felt feverish. Passionate. Uncontrolled. Like Jeongguk was committing the taste of his skin to his memory. Like he was tracing every dip and curve of his face with his lips. Like he was kissing a … long lost lover. The kisses that started with a pattern became haywire, Taehyung going pliant in Jeongguk’s arms…until a kiss landed on the corner of his mouth and they both froze, Jeongguk’s lips refusing to move from where they had latched on to Taehyung’s skin, burning his touch like a brand on the boy, trembling under the onslaught of affection…and maybe from something else.

The door opened, and the bubble broke. The two boys on the couch instinctively put some distance between themselves as their pinkies intertwined on the couch, a reminder of the private moment they’d shared, just a few seconds ago. 

Laughter and chatter filled the room as Hoseok walked in with Namjoon and Jimin, a little startled to find the two boys on the couch. Confusion, mingled with an unknown sense of calm, surrounded the said boys, who were still lost in what had transpired between them. Taehyung wondered if he had imagined the spark, the promise of something beyond friendship in those frenzied touches… but the touch that lingered on his little finger told him that it had, indeed, happened.

His heart was pounding as he tried to school his expression. What now? How could he deny what had just happened? How could he calm his heart after what he had just experienced?

How could he not want more?

Chapter Text

- Tae? Are you up?

Taehyung’s phone chimed at around 10: 30 pm. Of course he was up. His mind was busy replaying every single kiss placed on every single patch of skin. 

Alone in his room, he could admit unabashedly that he hadn’t been able to wash his face. 

Stupid. But he didn’t care. Every time he thought about those few seconds, goosebumps appeared on his skin, and he could feel the heat creep up his being. 

- I am

- Good. I… miss you Tae

Taehyung’s heart rate increased.

- You just saw me?

- And right now you’re not in front of me

- Ggukie? Are you okay?

- What did you just call me?

- Ohh… umm. Should I not?

- Please never call me Jeongguk again. I will cry. I’m telling you I’m going to bawl my 

   eyes out. In front of everyone. And then you’re going to have to deal with it.

- Don’t be silly

- You don’t get it, do you?

   I miss your nicknames for me, Gee

- Okay.. okay Ggukie. I got it. No more Jeongguk

- That’s better. Forehead kisses for you for saying that :*

Taehyung sat up on his bed, his body in full attention. True, his Jeonggukie had always been more comfortable typing out texts than talking. Even though he had a reputation of never returning texts. But not with Taehyung. Taehyung would always get immediate replies to texts and calls. He was used to the attention like that, but this… this was new.

- Where did you go? Tae bear?

- Hi

- Hey, baby. Did I scare you off?

Jeongguk had to stop doing this. It was getting difficult for Taehyung to breathe through the onslaught of such softness and affection. Namjoon and Hoseok had been nothing but loving towards him, and he was grateful. And… he didn’t know how to explain it… but this tone was different . He wasn’t used to it. 

- Baby?

- Umm… sorry, I just… 

- You just what?

- You’re being too sweet, Ggukie. I… I don’t wanna get used to it

- Why? Do you… not like it? 🙁

- Don’t get me wrong. Of course I do. I just… 

- You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you. Never did, you know?

- What if… what if I get used to it… and then it stops?

- Me being sweet with you? Or me calling you nicknames? Or me giving you kisses?

Taehyung had to put his phone down from the way his hands were trembling.

There was another chime.

- If it's any of that, then don’t worry Gee, I am never stopping. Love them too much. Love being sweet to you, love calling you cute names, and…

- And?

Taehyung’s heart was in his mouth

- And… :) 

- Ggukie?

- And… It’s pretty late baby bear. Go off to sleep now. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.  

   Okay? 

- Ggukie!

- And here are your kisses. 

   :* - one for the nose

   :* - one for the right eye

   :* - one for the left eye

   :* - one for the forehead

   :* - you can take this wherever you want.

   Night bear! 

   You don’t have to reply if you’re blushing too much ;)

- Not blushing.

- Liar. 🙂

It took Taehyung’s heart quite a while to calm down before he could sleep. And he could swear that he could feel the traces of the last kiss exactly where Jeongguk’s lips had stopped earlier today. 

Jeongguk showed up the next morning, and every morning after that as promised. He brought breakfast, as always. They would walk to class together, and walk back together too. Things were back to routine. The only thing that changed was the speed with which Taehyung would scramble to open the door, and the ‘good morning kisses’ from Jeongguk to Taehyung that became part of the routine. Or the sudden long walks they would take to the lake. Or the way they would sit near the lake, the distance between them diminishing with every visit. Or the fact that soon, they were holding hands. 

Namjoon and Hoseok had stopped pointing out how Taehyung had started to smile more often. Jimin had stopped teasing Jeongguk about how he spent less and less time at their shared apartment and more time by Taehyung’s side. The campus had grown used to the sight of two beautiful people being attached at the hips, but caught in their own bubble whenever they were cited. 

The two boys in question were finding their way back to each other’s hearts. 

Taehyung had started to open up. Slowly, he had started to share bits and pieces of his life in Daegu and in the military, but he was still quiet about the reason why he left. Jeongguk hadn’t pushed. He was there. Present, empathetic, loving, strong.

The familiarity had helped Taehyung open up about his struggles with his mental health. It was probably the most difficult step for him to take, since he was convinced that part of what made him unlovable was the fact that he wasn’t healthy . But Jeongguk held his hand through it all, and enveloped him into the biggest hugs possible whenever he could. He didn’t even mind that his shirts got soaked with Taehyung’s tears. He listened when it was required for him to be quiet. He held Taehyung’s hands when he needed strength. He brought Taehyung back from self-depreciation with facts he knew about Taehyung that could not be refuted. He stopped him from spiralling with all the breathing exercises and tips he had stayed up studying on the internet. He was back to being Taehyung’s rock. 

And the best part? Nothing changed in Jeongguk’s behaviour towards him. He was still sweet, called him nicknames affectionately, and kissed his face whenever he could (although Taehyung had a suspicion that the frequency of kisses had increased, not that he was complaining).

To Taehyung, it felt like after five years, he could finally breathe. Ever since he had started keeping secrets from his best friend, his depressive and anxiety attacks had grown more frequent. Knowing that Jeongguk didn’t judge him, and his feelings for him weren’t altered by his admission of his vulnerabilities made him wonder if he’d assumed too much back in the day. 

The texts had become more regular, and sometimes, more daring… Jeongguk made it a point to praise Taehyung at every opportunity he got. There were compliments for his clothes, the way the light reflected on the left side of his face, how he looked beautiful even without a trace of makeup, how Jeongguk was the luckiest person on earth that Taehyung had found him and chosen him back, and so on. Every day, he would find a new thing to compliment. 

Taehyung couldn’t understand it himself, but he was changing. His eyes weren’t void of emotions anymore, he smiled often, forgot less, ate on time (because Jeongguk was constantly reminding him on text), and his entire demeanour was becoming more positive. 

Three people noticed, their keen eyes always on the boy they loved with all their hearts. So did another, his entire being attuned to his most favourite person in the universe.

No one said a thing. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

- Tae?

- Yes, Gguk?

- When is your next day off from work?

- Day after, why? 

- Do you want to spend the day with me?

- We spend literally every day together, Gguk

- So no? 😢

- I mean, why do you feel the need to ask, you dramatic boy!

- Because I’m asking you to spend the WHOLE day with me, like not 4 hrs 

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Umm? Were you expecting a no?

- You little cinnamon roll, I’m asking if that’s what you want too?

- Me?

- You. The one and only.

Taehyung took deep breaths. This looks like a date, his heart kept telling him, this looks like a date, looks like a date, looks like a date. But it’s not. He couldn’t get his expectations high before having a much required conversation. And this seemed like the perfect opportunity. They’d have the whole day to themselves.

- Did I lose you? You can say no, baby bear. I won’t mind. You know I won’t

- No no!

- No?

- No…! I mean yes. I would love to spend the whole day with you Gguk

- Yes!!! Wear comfy clothes, okay? We’ll just be in my apartment, Jiminie has to go visit  

   someone and won’t be back till the next day!

- Ohh?

- It’s someone special. But I can’t talk about it yet, okay?

- I didn’t ask though!

- I mean. I want to. But like, I can’t… not yet. But I’m hoping soon. 

- Ggukie?

- Yeah?

- Chill.

Taehyung felt his shoulders sag with relief. It had meant a lot to him - both the fact that he hadn’t come between Jimin and Jeongguk; and also the way Jimin had just welcomed him back into their lives like nothing had happened. It showed how mature Chim was, the way he had encouraged Jeongguk and his bond to grow stronger again. Taehyung, in retrospect, had learnt a lot from just watching how beautifully Chim had handled the change. It didn’t just show how secure Jimin was in his friendship with both of them, it also showed him that making new friends did not necessarily mean forgetting the old.

If and when he could find the courage to bring the topic up, he would apologise to Jeongguk for how he had reacted to his hyungs, instead of having a mature conversation with his best friend about it. In the past few weeks, it had become clear to him that he had not handled the situation in the wisest way. He knew. He knew it was because his romantic feelings for Jeongguk had been too intense for him to handle at such a young age, with no one to guide him, with constant reminders of how his sexuality was a disease, with the weight of expectations that his parents had put on him. And his insecurities had been the final nail in the coffin. He knew he hadn’t done it on purpose or to hurt anyone. He knew he had removed himself from the scene because he had felt that he was becoming toxic. But he needed to apologise for it. No matter what the intent, the impact had been devastating for all of them.

He would gather courage for it. Soon.

- Remind me to let you sleep early tomorrow.

- I sleep at normal hours

- Noooo. I mean really early. You should be in bed by nine. Okay?

- Nine? Ggukie I am not a child.

- But you are my baby

…

- Listen. Listen. Listen!!! Taetae!!!! I have an idea

- Yes Gguk

- Come to my place after work tomorrow night, just sleep over here

- What?

- Just sleep over here. It will be easier for both of us

- Uhh

- Come on. We’ve slept together before.

- Jeonggukie. I don’t think…

- Just come. Are you not comfortable with me? 🙁

- Stop pouting at everything I say

- Then what

- Are you sure? 

- I am the one who’s asking!! It will be the best option for the thing I have planned for

- Ggukie?

- Yes Taetae

- I am really sorry to do this and I know you want it to be a surprise… but… gosh. I hope 

   you understand. I don’t mean to spoil anything… you know? Just… not knowing about 

   the plan and you being so cryptic is making me anxious.

   I’m sorry. 

   I’m sorry Ggukie.

   I’m really sorry.

   You can cancel on me if you want. I won’t… I won’t mind.

His phone rang. For the first time, Jeongguk had opted to call instead of texting back. Taehyung’s hands started trembling. He was sure that Jeongguk would be calling their day together off. Before he broke down under the weight of assumptions, he took the call.

“I am so sorry Tae baby. I didn’t realise I was making you anxious. It was never my intention okay? You have to trust me. I… I am trying to learn more about how to be a better bo… friend to you. And I am so so so happy that you chose to tell me what was bothering you, instead of taking the burden on yourself. Thank you… thank you for sharing that with me. For trusting me with this.”

“You’re… you’re not upset?”

“At myself, yes. But I too am learning, and I am going to make mistakes. And I hope you keep correcting me. That you have the faith that I am trying my best. I am just happy that you decided to tell me, instead of bottling it up. Now, let me tell you what we’re going to do tomorrow”

“You’re not going… you’re not going to…cancel?”

There was a sharp intake of breath on the other side.

“I’m really looking forward to spending time with you baby bear, have I not made that clear?”

“You have”

“So then let’s drop that topic, okay? Listen to my plan and tell me if you want to change anything. I wanted to cook us three meals. So if you stay over, I will have the privilege of waking up to you, and of bringing you breakfast in bed.”

“You… you know how to cook?”

“I do. And I’ve gotten really good at it too! And over the past year, I have perfected all your favourite recipes.”

“My…”

“Yes, yours. I missed you much more than you can ever imagine. So… we eat, we cook… as in I cook, and you watch me. And we can watch a movie if you want, or play video games like we used to. Or we can also talk. Okay? I really… really… just want to spend time with my favourite person.”

The sigh was heard on the other side this time.

“Okay Jeonggukie. That sounds like a lovely plan. I… it would make me very happy.”

A series of joyous whoops followed. When Taehyung hung up, he was smiling. Sharing his concern with Jeongguk had been easy. As easy as it was talking to him. Always. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

Jeongguk turned up at his workplace the next day. Honestly, Taehyung wasn’t even surprised. Patience had never really been Jeongguk’s virtue. Taehyung had plans to go home, change, and bring his backpack to Jeongguk’s apartment, but who could wait that long? Clearly not Jeongguk. He almost dragged Taehyung out of his part-time job, all the way to his apartment, his nervous excitement addictive. 

“Is Chim already gone?”

“Why? You can’t wait to be alone with me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“It's what you meant,” he smirked.

“Bunny!”

Jeongguk made a sharp turn.

“Say that again?” He was almost breathless.

“Wha… what?”

“Call me… call me bunny. Call me bunny again? Tae. Baby. Please. Call me bunny again”

The desperation in his voice slowly reached Taehyung’s ears, and then spread through his veins. Jeongguk’s reaction to each new nickname Taehyung had invented for him had been different. Giggles, silent approval, a pink blush on his cheeks, blatant refusal (but later responding to it anyway). Some of the nicknames were used by others also, and they didn’t mind that. But he had never let anyone else call him bunny except for Taehyung. He was always Taehyung’s bunny, like Taehyung was always Jeongguk’s bear (for the introvert) or tiger (for the extrovert).

With every such interaction, it was becoming increasingly clear to Taehyung that he had taken away something precious from Jeongguk. A time he could never return. 

But he could be better. 

He would love better. Even if Jeongguk felt nothing but friendship for him, he would learn to love better. Because no matter what, intense friendships were underrated. Friendships that ignited fires, that became the wind beneath someone’s wings, that became the healing balm on wounded hearts, and the warm hugs that kept someone alive - had to be as precious, if not more, than romance. 

Taehyung would learn to be a better friend. If nothing else.

He reached forward, and cupped Jeongguk’s face. He saw Jeongguk’s breath hitch. Pulling Jeongguk’s face towards himself, he nervously plastered his lips to the boy’s forehead. “Bunny,” he whispered. “My bunny. My precious muscle bunny. I am so happy to have you back in my life,” he mumbled against Jeongguk’s skin. Jeongguk fell limp against his hands. Transferring all his weight on to Taehyung’s hands, he sagged against the boy like he couldn’t hold himself together anymore. They stayed like that for a while.

But just before Taehyung could wipe the wetness he felt against Jeongguk’s cheeks, he was already back to dragging Taehyung along with him, his grip on Taehyung’s wrist tighter than before as if he was afraid to lose the connection. 

It was at the door of the apartment that things turned a little awkward. 

“Come.. come on in, there’s uhh… no one else here. Just uh… you and me.”

Jeongguk ushered him inside, suddenly a nervous wreck replacing the confident, cocky, insufferable brat Taehyung had been subjected to till now.

“Make yourself at home Tae. Umm. Ohh. You’ve never been here. So. Umm. Okay. Where do we start? Where do we start? Where the fuck do we start? ”

“Bunny?”

Jeongguk stumbled on his own foot. Taehyung had no idea why he was so nervous or why the nickname had such an effect on Jeongguk, but this version was reminiscent of the Jeongguk he knew as a kid. He was extremely endeared. 

Jeongguk turned around, his eyes darting everywhere except for Taehyung’s face. And Taehyung’s protective instincts kicked in, like they did all those years ago. His feelings were on autopilot. He extended his hands, and as if Jeongguk’s hands were not in his control, he reached out and held onto them.

“It’s just me. Your Taehyungie.”

“My Taehyungie,” Jeongguk whispered.

“Yes, the same old. So don’t worry about this, okay? Okay, come with me. This seems like your living room?”

“Yeah… yeah. And this way… is the uhh… kitchen. See there’s a counter, where I have imagined you sitting and watching while I cook,” he continued dreamily, describing a scene so domestic so casually, that Taehyung had no doubts in its truth. “And this… see we have a balcony as well. Remember how we used to sit on the balcony for hours and just talk? When I saw this apartment, that’s what I remembered, and it was an instant yes for me.”

“You rented this apartment because it reminded you of me?” 

“Everything I did since you left, was because it reminded me of you, tiger. Aye… don’t cry. You’re here with me now. And that’s all I need.”

He pulled Taehyung along in the other direction.

“This is Jiminie’s room. I have the keys if uhh… that’s where you want to uhh… sleep tonight,” Taehyung could see the red creeping up to Jeongguk’s ears. “And uhh,” his hand was on the knob of the other door, “this… umm… is… fuck. This is my room, tiger. Wanna come inside?”

“I do,” Taehyung didn’t know why he sounded so breathless. The idea of walking into an adult Jeongguk’s room was suddenly making him feel as shy as Jeongguk, if not more. 

And when he walked into the room, he realised that his fear of letting Jeongguk inside his own room was baseless. There was nothing in Jeongguk’s room that did not scream Taehyung. From the photographs of the two of them through the years by his bed, to his bedsheets in Taehyung’s favourite colour, to the huge bunny plushie that he’d gifted him, to his guitar - signed by Taehyung (his first and biggest fan), notebooks he gave Jeongguk to write down his thoughts when they became too overwhelming… everywhere Taehyung looked, he could only see traces of himself. Overwhelmed, he tugged at the hand Jeongguk was holding on to. When Jeongguk turned around, unable to look into his eyes, Taehyung pulled him yet another time, successfully lodging himself into Jeongguk’s arms. He locked his head at the juncture of Jeongguk’s shoulder, inhaled the scent that was inherently him, and let himself go limp. Jeongguk’s hands on his back tightened, securing him in his hold, and returning the gesture by fixing his own head in the crook of Taehyung’s neck. 

They didn’t know how long they stood like that. It was a hug long overdue.

It was only when Taehyung’s treacherous stomach grumbled that they separated from each other, two pairs of eyes shining with unshed tears. “Let’s order in tonight. Tomorrow, we’ll cook, okay? Do you want to change?”

And all of a sudden, Taehyung realised that he hadn’t brought a change of clothes.

“I want to… but you didn’t let me get my bag.”

“Wear my clothes,” Jeongguk said. Too quickly. “Umm, I mean. You can always wear my clothes, we’re the same height, yeah?”

Taehyung frowned. Jeongguk had grown broader than him, his habit of working out regularly even after the rigorous military service making him bigger than he already was. 

Jeongguk cleared his throat, “I mean. You can wear Jiminie’s clothes as well. But… they might not fit you?” Jeongguk was scratching the back of his neck like he would do when he was caught trying to scheme something. But Taehyung couldn’t really follow what was happening… what was Jeongguk trying to hide?

“Chim’s clothes would never fit me. Unless he has oversized clothes. But why should I go through his closet when he’s not here? Give me something to wear then, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh I absolutely don’t mind. He wouldn’t either, just saying. But I mean. Wear my clothes. I mean, yeah. Just wear my clothes. That’s easier. Way easi…er. Come here, just choose anything you’re comfortable in. Whatever you wanna wear. You know I take my laundry very seriously. All my clothes are clean. Super clean. Just… uhh… here’s the washroom. Just take whatever you want from here. I will go and place the order. Yeah?”

“Ohh. Umm. Okay! Thanks Ggukie!”

“Take anything you want. Anything ”

“Ookay”

Taehyung was too confused at Jeongguk’s behaviour. And the stress on anything coming from a person who mostly wore black. Like it would make a difference - how difficult could it be trying to choose one black tee over another? He opened the wardrobe, trying to see if there was anything apart from black or dark colours, and pulled out the only white thing he could lay his eyes on, not willing to rummage through the whole space and mess things up. Jeongguk’s wardrobe was always pretty organised. His mind drifted to how there would be days when he would hire his best friend to help him organise his own wardrobe. The reward being an ice cream. Jeongguk was always happy to do it, grumbling away about how disorganised Taehyung was, and how he needed to be serious about his laundry, and how he would never let this happen when they moved in together. It was also easy for him to find a pair of shorts, thankfully. It had always been difficult for him to keep his legs covered while sleeping. He would normally sleep in a tee, but something told him not to do that today. 

In the end, it did not matter. As it turned out, Jeongguk’s t-shirt was oversized and it covered him till his mid thighs and the shorts were hardly visible. He ruffled his hair, pulled on the t-shirt because it kept slipping off his shoulders, and proceeded to walk out to the kitchen. Jeongguk was at the door, collecting their food from the delivery guy when he got there. He turned around, closed the door behind him, and stopped moving, his gaze fixed on Taehyung. And Taehyung? He could identify the sound of his heart beating erratically against his chest under Jeongguk’s piercing gaze, but he couldn’t identify the flash of feelings that were displayed in the other boy’s eyes, expressions, stance. Jeongguk seemed transfixed. 

Suddenly Jeongguk started moving towards him with purpose. When he stopped walking, he was well within Taehyung’s personal space. And only then could Taehyung realise that his breathing was as erratic as Taehyung’s heartbeat.

“You had to choose this?” Jeongguk raked his eyes all over Taehyung’s body, his breaths coming in laboured efforts. “Out of my entire wardrobe, you had to choose this? ”

“Just… just chose the only white one. Should I change? I… I’ll go.”

“No!” Jeongguk almost whisper-shouted, “don’t… it’s… you’re… fuck,” he drew in a sharp breath. “Come let’s eat.”

They chose to eat on the floor near the couch, keeping their spread on the centre table. While eating, Taehyung realised that Jeongguk stared at him more than eating. That was a rare thing for Jeongguk and food. 

“What is it, Jeonggukie?”

“What?”

“You’re… staring.”

“Nothing. Nothing at all,” his voice was squeaky.

“Don’t lie when you can’t”

“Fuck. I can… I can tell you, but you can’t judge me”

“When have I ever?”

“It's uhh. You know I don’t share things. And I’ve… umm… never seen you in my clothes.”

“Ah! That’s because we were neighbours, and never needed to borrow clothes.”

“Yeah… yeah that exactly. Exactly, that.”

“And?”

“And nothing.”

“Bunny!”

“And… and you know I’ve always said you’re beautiful. So you can’t hold it against me. But right now…ahh…fucking hell. Right now, you look so fucking hot, baby. You look so beautiful, no makeup on, in that oversized tee. You look so freaking gorgeous, Gee. The handsomest man in the world, I can’t take my eyes off you!” Jeongguk squealed.

Taehyung ducked his head between his shoulders, and started poking at his food, feeling his ears heat up with the way Jeongguk seemed so unsettled about how Taehyung looked in his clothes.

They fell into a comfortable silence once Taehyung got used to the feeling of Jeongguk’s eyes on him. Old habits die hard, they say. And Jeongguk had always loved looking at Taehyung, giving him all of his undivided attention. The way he looked at him had changed, Taehyung could feel that, but he couldn’t decipher the exact change. Taehyung was used to the boy Jeongguk staring at him, not the man. So he just accepted it as something about the older Jeongguk he didn’t yet know. 

Taehyung insisted on washing the dishes like he would do at his shared apartment. After a few minutes of bickering, Jeongguk gave up on the silly argument and let Taehyung have his way. He stood with his back to the counter and watched Taehyung complete the chore, slipping in words of praise at every little thing he did ( “Wow, I’ve never seen anyone dry a dish so well!” ) until Taehyung smacked him on the shoulder with his wet hand and he finally shut up. 

“What do you want to do tonight?” he asked Taehyung.

“Umm… we could watch a movie if you want but I… I was wondering if we could talk? I know we’ve been talking a lot lately, but there’s something I want to ask. Unless, there’s something else on your mind?”

“Something… else… on my mind… uhh. No. You’re right, let’s talk. I will never not want to talk to you Tae.”

“We can do whatever you want to do.”

“We can? Umm. No. I don’t think we’re ready yet.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing. It means nothing. Come with me, wanna sit out on the balcony? I’ll get some cushions.”

“Sounds good, Gguk”

They made themselves comfortable on the balcony, and Jeongguk got them a few things to drink, with some snacks. They spoke about their classes, the courses they were taking, and what they wanted to do ahead. Jeongguk was already gaining popularity in the music scene at their university, and Taehyung’s professors were mighty impressed with his talent. He wanted to teach art, while Jeongguk wanted to start out as background vocals for singers, slowly making his way up. 

“Why did you take up art? You were so sure about your business degree, Tae.”

“But I always wanted to learn fine arts”

“I know. But I also remember how you were pushed into… I mean…”

“ Pushed into is right though. My parents didn’t want me to do anything that wasn’t profitable. Or controversial. Or, remotely gay.”

He felt Jeongguk tense beside him. 

“They are homophobic, Ggukie,” Taehyung took a deep breath. It was time. “They didn’t oppose my move from Busan to Daegu because they were happy to see me get away from Chim. Please don’t tell him that yet. It’s not why I moved. I… will… someday, I will tell you why I moved. Not today. I just… I just need some more time for that,” he felt Jeongguk’s hand cover his and squeeze it, offering unquestioned support. “Staying away from them and with my halmoeni, made me realise what love is really like. It’s not about wanting to mould someone to your own preference. It’s about loving them no matter what, loving them for who they are, and just… being there for them. I grew distant from them. They didn’t miss me much either. I guess it was easy not to have the disappointment around.” Jeongguk’s hand left his, and crept up his shoulder, drawing him close, guiding Taehyung’s head to rest on the boy’s shoulder, his stance protective. “So as soon as I graduated from school, I enlisted. I needed time to just detach from everything I knew and unlearn everything I knew. I needed to not think. I needed to manage my depression and anxiety by falling into a routine that wouldn’t allow me a scope to overthink. I needed distraction. ” 

Jeongguk’s other hand went around him, and now he was locked in a hug, his body turned into Jeongguk’s side, tucked into his body. Taehyung continued. “There, I realised that there were certain things about me that would never change. That I didn’t feel that I was enough for my parents, that I didn’t want to do business studies, that I loved art, and that I was gay,” he exhaled, as Jeongguk’s arms tensed around him, and that I will always be in love with you, he added silently. “I realised that I wasn’t straight when I was around fifteen. But it was tough to talk about it because my parents always saw it as a disease, you know? And I was still dependent on them, so I was scared. So when they disowned me because I enrolled into fine arts, I took the chance to tell them about my orientation too. I haven’t heard from them since. Halmoeni passed on, and I was alone. Until Joon hyung and Hobi hyung decided to give me a chance.” He broke the embrace and straightened up, turned towards Jeongguk, and said, “that’s mostly my story, with a very important chunk missing. A chunk that I need more courage to share.” 

Jeongguk stared at him for a few moments that seemed like eternity. He slowly leaned in, and cupped Taehyung’s face, pulling him in to press their foreheads together. “You are never, and I repeat, never alone. You have me. Always. Even when you thought you didn’t, you had me. Get that through your head. Okay?” The firmness in his voice startled Taehyung as relief flooded through him. He always knew that Jeongguk wouldn’t be a homophobe, but just sharing that with his very gay-awakening was nerve-wracking. 

Jeongguk wasn’t done though. “I wish… I wish you had shared your secret with me before though. You knew when you were fifteen?” Taehyung nodded in affirmation. Jeongguk sighed. “We could’ve…”

Taehyung sat up, breaking the moment.

“We could’ve?”

“Nothing. Come, let’s go inside, it's started to get cooler and I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

They settled on the bed, and the debate about where Taehyung would sleep was forgotten. Jeongguk held him in his arms, as he would in their childhood, wanting to be the big spoon always. He adjusted the covers over them, and Taehyung settled in, feeling a newfound intimacy blooming between them. Jeongguk pulled him in closer so Taehyung’s back was now plastered against Jeongguk’s chest. His head nestled in the crook of Taehyung’s neck, his arms locked safely around the boy’s waist. 

“Bunny?” Taehyung mumbled.

“Yeah baby?”

“When did you become so extroverted?”

“I… uhh,” Jeongguk squirmed a little, “do you really want to know?” 

“Yes. Yes I do. I almost couldn’t recognise you.”

Jeongguk pressed his head more into Taehyung’s skin.

“I missed you, Taehyungie. I missed you so much. It was like the oxygen was missing from my life. Slowly I started to adopt some of your habits, learned more about your favourite artists and painters, listened to your playlist more than mine, started behaving like an extrovert. I am not… I am still that introvert inside Gee. I just… wanted to be more like you so I’d miss you less, I guess. Now that I’ve found you, I find it harder to keep up the act.”

Taehyung turned around in his hold and cradled Jeongguk’s face in his hands, tears threatening to spill at any moment.

“I… would you believe me if I said that I felt the same? That I… I did the same? I… just embraced my introvertedness to feel closer to you? Because living without you, Jeonggukie, is like living in hell.” 

The arms around his lower back tightened in their grip as Jeongguk crashed their bodies together in a bone crushing hug, their chests flush against each other, Taehyung’s face tucked into Jeongguk’s neck. “Shouldn’t have left me then, baby,” Jeongguk was sobbing. “We would’ve figured it out together, whatever it was. Shouldn’t have left me because my life was hell too, without you. No matter how many people I was surrounded by, you weren’t there. And that made all the difference.”

Taehyung was crying too, mumbling apology after apology, promising to never let go ever again.

They fell asleep like that. Spent, but content. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

Over the past three years, if anyone had told Taehyung that one fine morning he would be waking up in Jeongguk’s arms, he would have told them to fuck off and never show him their face again. But here he was, not just waking up in Jeongguk’s arms, but in quite a compromising position, if his sleepy brain had judged correctly. At some point during the night, their limbs had become entangled, and one of Jeongguk’s legs now rested between Taehyung’s. And it didn’t stop there. His hands were still around his waist, wound tight, but now they were under his t-shirt, touching his bare skin. His lips, pressed on that treacherous piece of skin revealed by the collarbone revealing neckline, too big on him. Taehyung shuddered despite himself. He would give an arm, a leg, and everything else he owned to wake up like this everyday. But he hated the fact that this didn’t mean what it should. He also hated how feverish Jeongguk’s touches felt on his skin, hated knowing that he would remember this forever, and hated it even more that it felt so fucking good. 

A slight stir from Jeongguk brought him back to his senses. Instinctively, he closed his eyes. If Jeongguk looked into them, he would know how hopelessly in love he was. He waited with his eyes closed and baited breath to see… feel what Jeongguk would do after discovering their… positions. For a torturous few seconds that felt like hours, nothing happened. Jeongguk’s lips stayed pressed on his collarbones. For a fraction of a second Taehyung thought he felt the press deepen, and then the touch disappeared. Taehyung wanted to scream. He kept waiting for Jeongguk to move… but nothing. He still didn’t move because he could feel Jeongguk’s eyes on his face. After about an eternity, Taehyung was just considering waking up when he heard a whispered tone, “how can someone be so pretty even while sleeping like a koala bear? You’ve never been able to sleep with any sense of decorum, always wrapped around me like I am your pillow and not a person. And yet, you manage to take my breath away, Gee. The prettiest face, the prettiest boy. My prettiest boy. I wonder if I should…” and Taehyung could feel Jeongguk’s breath coming closer to his face. But in a bit, it went away. 

And then he felt Jeongguk’s leg move away from between his, and his hands move from his skin, but they didn’t leave immediately. They started drawing patterns on his waist, and Taehyung had never been given a tougher test of his patience. “Shit,” he heard Jeongguk curse, “fuck, fuck, fuck, what will I do with you, boy?” 

Then everything was cold. 

Taehyung realised that he was alone on the bed. He opened one eye, and then another, feeling shy at the thought of what had just transpired. The words Jeongguk had spoken to him in his raspy, early morning voice, thinking that he was asleep, had stirred something deep inside him. Suddenly, Jeongguk’s intense stares, his nervousness, and his hesitation from the evening before started showing up in a different light for Taehyung. He felt warmth creep up his body, the remnants of Jeongguk’s touches still feeling fresh. He needed a few moments to calm down. Then he would go and find his bun. 

Who seemed to have developed a crush on him.

After Taehyung had freshened up, finding a new toothbrush laid out for him in the washroom, and smiling to himself like a fool at the domesticity of the chain of events, he dared to walk out of the room. Jeongguk was in the kitchen, apparently, already getting started on breakfast. “You didn’t wait for me?” he pouted as he entered the kitchen. And then, he froze. Sweatpants hanging low on his hips, Jeon Jeongguk had decided to test his limits by going shirtless in the early hours of the day. Taehyung stopped dead in his tracks, unable to utter a single word more, his pout gone, replaced by a stunned expression. 

And Jeongguk seemed to savour that if the pause he took before answering meant anything.

“Go back to bed, bub”

Huh? Who? What?

“Uhh?”

“I was going to bring you breakfast in bed. So be a good boy, and don’t ruin my plans. Go back to bed, okay?” This was a third type of Jeongguk he had met over the past few months. Too in control. Too sexy. Too bad for Taehyung’s poor heart. 

“Wha…t do you mean? I tho..thought we were going to cook together?”

“Lunch. Not breakfast. I’m bringing you breakfast in bed. Okay? Go. Shoo.”

“But why?” Taehyung regained his composure a little, “now that I’m up, let’s just… uh… have it here?”

“Taehyung?”

The authority in the voice startled him more than the use of the full name.

“Go back to bed, yeah? Let me pamper you. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to do this. Let me? Please?”

Taehyung was not that strong a man. He scurried back to the bed in a couple of minutes, wondering if he had woken up in an alternate universe. Jeongguk came in after about fifteen excruciating minutes, with a tray in his hands, and a smirk on his face intact.

Breakfast in bed with a shirtless Jeongguk was not something Taehyung had allowed himself to even dream about. And then, when that vision of a man started feeding him with his own hands, remembering exactly how he loved his gyeran mari , and remembering to brew him a cup of tea because he didn’t like coffee, Taehyung all but melted. If this was a dream, he wanted to never wake up. 

Waking up in Jeongguk’s arms as he had, seemed to have set the tone for the day. No matter what happened, it seemed like the two of them spent the maximum time getting lost in each other’s eyes - while cooking, while cleaning, while talking. As if their eyes had decided to take over the conversation from them. Taehyung’s heart needed a moment. It had been in overdrive ever since Jeongguk had shown up at his workplace the previous evening. There was so much he needed to ask, so much he needed to hear, so much he needed to feel, and yet, he was scared to broach the subject. He could now feel the shift in their relationship, Jeongguk’s change in attitude now clear as day for him.

And yet, Taehyung’s insecurities didn’t let him ask a thing. 

Instead, he let go and let Jeongguk show him a different side to himself. When he fretted because Taehyung was too close to a pair of knives - Taehyung wasn’t even touching them, but Jeongguk, in his state of panic, just picked them up and put them in another corner of the kitchen. And then he cursed himself, because chopping vegetables without a knife was … yeah, tough. When he forgot he was cooking because he had lifted his eyes from the frying pan to answer one of Taehyung’s questions, and his eyes got stuck on the boy’s face. That flustered Taehyung so much, he almost ran away from the kitchen. But he couldn’t, because Jeongguk being Jeongguk, kept stirring the vegetables with his left hand, while holding on to Taehyung’s thigh with his right. Taehyung would die. He was sure of it. Today was going to be his last day on earth. Reason for death: cuteness aggression. Culprit: Jeon freaking Jeongguk. 

Dinner was apparently a surprise, so Taehyung wasn’t allowed in the kitchen. He pouted, he sulked, but Jeongguk wouldn’t listen. But when he laid out the picnic on the balcony with a few candles lit here and there, Taehyung was glad to have waited. This treatment, this warmth, the attention… it had all become addictive. Dinner was really a royal spread. He’d already had japchae for lunch so he was wondering what Jeongguk would make for dinner. Turned out that Jeongguk had planned every meal well in advance. So much so, that he had spent the day before prepping for dinner. Aside from the non-spicy version of the ramen with roasted pork that Taehyung absolutely loved to eat, and hadn’t eaten in years, there was kimchi-jigae , grilled meat, every condiment he loved, and a small strawberry cake for dessert. Noticing another ramen-like dish on the side, he asked Jeongguk about it. “That’s not one of your favourites but it's something I learned how to make on my own. Umm… my very own makguksu recipe. I’ve toned down the spice if you want to try it. And it’s okay if you don’t. Just a skill I wanted to show off, honestly. My family loved it when I whipped it up… so… I kinda wanted to share it with you. I… I haven’t made it for anyone else except for mum and dad.” 

Taehyung obviously wanted to try the makguksu first, feeling a sort of satisfaction in being the first outside of his parents to get a taste of a JK-special. He loved it. Jeongguk revelled under the praise and promised to make it for him at least twice every month. It wasn’t that the other dishes were any less delicious, it was just that Taehyung’s possessive streak had just been fuelled and it made him feel even more special.

He needed Jeongguk to be his boyfriend and not just his best friend anymore. 

The domesticity, the memories of being treated like a prince by his favourite person, the butterflies that erupted in his tummy - Taehyung wasn’t ready to share this with anyone else. 

To be honest, Taehyung didn’t want the dinner to end. Because that would mark an end to the day, and everything that he had been experiencing around Jeongguk in this setting. He wanted more. He couldn’t… he didn’t want to live his days without Jeongguk hovering around him, like he couldn’t bear any distance between them either. It had just been one day, but the butterflies in Taehyung’s stomach had come back and with a passion. The pull of the familiarity of being around Jeongguk settled much deeper inside of him than before. It was like falling into step with an old dance routine from simple muscle memory. One that just needed holding the hand of the regular partner,for the dance to flow by itself. 

As time passed though, Taehyung picked up on some uneasiness in Jeongguk’s body language. And these were signs that Taehyung knew by heart.

“Spill,” he said, softly, finishing up his food.

“Nah, it’s okay.”

“Is it something you can share with someone else? If yes, then I won’t press anymore. But otherwise, you can tell me, you know that.”

“It’s not like that baby.”

Taehyung had no idea how or why calling him this particular pet name had become Jeongguk’s habit, but he wasn’t going to mention the slip, or break the moment. It was another thing that he loved the sound of it.

“Let me put away the dishes then, and you can tell me after. Okay?” Taehyung started walking towards the kitchen with the dishes.

“I guess. I want to. But I don’t want you to feel bad,” Jeongguk was up in an instant, following him.

“Now you’re just building suspense and feeding my anxiety, Ggukie. You know how I get. You can tell me that you don’t want to talk about it and that would be fine too, you know?” he put down the dishes and turned around to see Jeongguk waiting near the counter. He went over to the basin, to soak the dishes, readying them for cleaning.

“It’s not that. It’s something I want to share but I am not sure it will come out properly and I don’t want to hurt you. Shit. Okay… okay. I will tell you. I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing anyway!” Jeongguk sounded frustrated.

“None of that!” Taehyung turned back around, reaching his hand out to flick Jeongguk’s chin, “that’s not what I meant. I can sense your worry, and I just want to help, okay? If you feel that not talking about it helps, then you know I am not going to push you. You just have to use your words to tell me what makes you feel better, that’s all I need to know.”

He stopped talking when he realised that Jeongguk was staring at him, mesmerised. Suddenly, the boy stepped forward and into his personal space, his face inches from Taehyung’s own.

“Come with me,” he breathed, the warm air hitting Taehyung like a caress. He held Taehyung’s wrist and pulled him along towards the couch. Jeongguk sat down and made Taehyung sit in front of him, between his legs, even though the rest of the couch was empty. He proceeded to circle Taehyung’s waist from the back, and hooked his chin on Taehyung’s shoulder. The warmth of the familiar pose had Taehyung’s eyes moisture up. 

A habit formed in their childhood, whenever Jeongguk had to share anything important, or something he was scared to talk about, he would talk to Taehyung wrapped up in this back hug. Unable to make eye-contact, but unable to let go of the connection either. 

“Gee,” Jeongguk whispered.

Yet another plea, to be non-judgemental. Taehyung nodded in understanding.

“I just saw a glimpse of my Taehyungie five minutes ago,” Jeongguk took a deep breath. “The one who I grew up with, the one who always had my back. The one with whom I could share anything and everything,” Taehyung’s heart hammered in his chest. “I loved that. Seeing that you haven’t actually changed when it comes to me. Over the past few days, I’ll be honest, I’ve seen that Tae peek out every now and then, whenever you’ve felt the need to protect me, your bunny.”

He paused for breath, and then he continued, “It seems from the outside that you’ve changed. But you’re actually still that same boy I met when I was eight. When you were eight. That same boy for whom I made all my exceptions. And trust me, I am the same boy you made all your exceptions for too, Tae.”

The hold on him tightened. He felt Jeongguk burrow his head further into his shoulder. He could physically feel the effect of the sharp intake of breath from Jeongguk.

“Gee?” he whispered, “my birthday is in a week.” Taehyung tensed. That day. Of course he knew. But he had refused to think about it, the very memory of what happened three years earlier sending him into a downward spiral. “And I don’t want to spend a third year without your presence, without the sound of your voice, without you waking me up, and without your hugs, and without your gifts either.” He tried to crack a joke, but the crack in his voice was not disguised by that failed attempt. “I don’t want to feel so lonely on my birthday, Gee. Ever again. Promise me you’ll be there? Promise me you will never question my love for you ever again? Promise me that I will never have to spend another birthday yearning to hear your voice, Tae?” Jeongguk was now sobbing uncontrollably, and Taehyung couldn’t take it anymore. Guilt, heartbreak, sadness, pain - but even more so a blinding love for the boy behind him overtook him, overwhelmed him. 

He turned around in Jeongguk’s hold, now almost on his lap, with the way they were sitting. “Hey,” he said, cupping the boy’s face in his hands. “Bunny? My bun, hey, look at me?” Jeongguk looked up, and straight into Taehyung’s teary eyes. “I made a mistake. I should have asked more questions, should have fought with you, should have shouted, should have… just talked about it. I should’ve never done what I did on your birthday. And from now, even if you don’t want me there, I will be around. I will be the first one to wish you, and the last one to wish you again on your birthdays. We will let go of the past, and we will make new memories. Okay? I will communicate better. I will learn… to communicate better.”

“And so will I. You do need to know some things. And I will tell you when the time comes. Because I need you to know that it’s not just your fault. I made some mistakes too, unknowingly. But the intention never alters the impact. I need you to know that it wasn’t your fault alone. All this guilt that you have been carrying around, yes, I know you have, was never yours to carry alone. I carried it too, in my heart. We will make a new beginning, but we will also make peace with our past. Will you… for my birthday this year, Tae, will you give me that chance?”

“You don’t have to ask like that, you know. We’re here, aren’t we? Back together? We are learning again, and things are falling back in place,” Taehyung was growing more determined by the minute.

“Then promise me that you’re going to stay through the day? That you will come over the previous night, wake me up like you did, and stay with me?”

“I will. I promise I will.”

“Wait. You need to know that Jin hyung and Yoongi hyung will be here too. They have spent my birthdays with me ever since…”

“Of course bun”

“You’re okay with that?”

“Of course I am. And I need to apologise to them for my behaviour”

“You need to do nothing of the sort.”

“Of course I do. They are older and I disrespected them, come on bun”

“Why are you like this?” Jeongguk removed Taehyung’s hands from his own face, and held them in his grip.

“Like what?” Taehyung smiled, the tension dissipating slowly.

“Like this… this I don’t know… this fucking angel who has to set everything right all the time? Why is it always so easy for you to apologise? Why are you so good? Why can’t you blame me instead?” he flopped his head onto Taehyung’s shoulder. 

Taehyung wasn’t ready for the action, he jolted and that resulted in Jeongguk’s head tilting a little towards the column of Taehyung’s neck. His lips landed on the juncture of Taehyung’s neck and shoulder, and Taehyung’s breath hitched. He was, at this point, straddling Jeongguk, whose hands had moved of their own accord, and kept his own hands tied to his sides in a solid hold. He didn’t know how many moments passed like that, with Jeongguk’s lips pressed into his skin. May have been minutes, may have been seconds. It was when Taehyung was just about to move, to make a joke about how he needed to go home before Hoseok thought he had left their shared apartment for good, when the pair of lips moved.

With a purpose. Upwards.

Featherlight kisses, and simple, slow, torturous drags of lips along the column of his neck, up to his earlobe, drew shivers from Taehyung, as he tried to keep himself calm, trying to understand what was happening. Was Jeongguk too overwhelmed with emotion? Was he not thinking straight? Was he… 

The bite on his earlobe brought him back to his senses. His eyes had closed from the sensations that were making him crazy. And by the time he opened his eyes, Jeongguk’s gaze had darkened enough for him to understand that it wasn’t unintentional anymore. His thoughts ran haywire and before he knew it, he had leaned in, giving up on his control, placing his own lips on the mole just below Jeongguk’s lips. Jeongguk’s breathing was ragged. His hands left Taehyung’s and found purchase on his waist, pulling him closer. Taehyung, too overwhelmed at the proximity, started tracing Jeongguk’s jawline with his lips… the game between them getting more dangerous by the second. Taehyung was close to repeating Jeongguk’s action of tugging on his earlobe with his teeth, his hands now secured around Jeongguk’s neck. His teeth were grazing the boy’s ear, teasing, before he could bite. Each push and pull drawing a reaction out of Jeongguk that he thoroughly enjoyed, adrenaline rushing through his veins.

The door opened with a click, and Jimin walked in, announcing his return in his dramatic, jovial style - “Honey, I’m home! I bet you didn’t miss me because you had your boy with you, huh? Where are you? Did you go to drop him off? Can you not stay away from him for a second, you whipped man? Jeonggukie? Jeonggukie?”

Jimin kept shouting from near the door, as if to stall for something. On the couch, two dishevelled boys had separated, trying to calm their racing hearts, and fighting a lost battle to compose themselves. 

Chapter Text

Jeongguk kept insisting that he’d walk Taehyung home. Even Jimin thought it would be a good idea. But Taehyung couldn’t bring himself to agree. There were two reasons for it - one, Jimin had just got back home from being with someone special and must be dying to share details with Jeongguk (Taehyung knew Jimin well), and two, stopping himself from kissing Jeongguk for the third time in a row would have required a superhuman effort that Taehyung currently did not possess. He had no idea how he had held back for so long.

Well, that’s not really true, because he did have an idea. He needed to come clean before they took that step. To really start making new memories, they needed to come to terms with their past, resolve the hurt, and make informed decisions. Jeongguk had been pretty clear about his intentions, especially over the day they’d spent together. And Taehyung felt that he owed him the truth before they gave in to the desire that was clearly starting to engulf the two of them. 

So he had stepped out of Jeongguk and Jimin’s shared apartment alone, in the hope that he would be able to collect his thoughts while he walked back home. 

However, Jeongguk had other plans… which included whining on the phone after being left behind alone, worried and miserable. Taehyung smiled to himself as he started looking for signs around him to help him find his way back. This wasn’t a familiar route, and it was dark, and maybe he should’ve taken Jeongguk’s advice. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, Gee.”

“It’s barely been five minutes!”

“Ohh so you’re already near the park? Can you see it on your right? You know there’s this ice cream seller who sits near this park. I wanted to take you there for an ice cream treat on our way back. He sits near the right boundary of the park where the red benches are lined up. It's on your way home too! This Jimin and his stupid, stupid timing!”

Endeared and overwhelmed, Taehyung teared up, recognising what Jeongguk was doing exactly. Pointing out signs for Taehyung to follow and reach home safely, without trying to point out his weakness. He stopped himself from asking why Jeongguk wasn’t talking to Jimin instead, not wanting to undermine his efforts. True to his suspicion, Jeongguk stayed on the phone till Taehyung reached home. But it was a task to get him off the phone. “Can I call you before you sleep?”

“Bun, we just met”

“So… no?”

Sigh. “Yes. Okay. But… I am not going anywhere. You have to trust me on that. Okay?”

“It’s not because I’m scared or because I don’t trust you. It’s because I want to spend every waking moment with you.”

“Bun you… you can’t just say things like that!” Taehyung’s breath hitched.

“Of course I can, baby. Watch me. And then watch me prove it to you that I mean every single one of the things I say. By the end of this week…” Jeongguk trailed off.

“By the end of this week?”

“You’ll see. Have you settled in?”

“I’m still at the door.”

“Why?”

“Hyungs aren’t used to me being on the phone. They’ll tease me for it.”

“They’ll tease you for last night anyway.”

“Shut up. I’m hanging up”

“I’ll call you in a bit, Gee”

“Mmm hmm… talk to Chim, please?”

“Yeah I don’t really need to. He’ll start yapping as soon as I hang up. He went to freshen up and I am using that time to call you. So don’t feel bad about it, okay?”

“Mmm”

It didn’t really help, hanging up on Jeongguk before entering their apartment that night to save himself from the teasing. Because Taehyung spent all week walking to and from the uni with Jeongguk, on the phone with him when he was back from his part-time job, before going to sleep, and basically at any point of time he was free. It was bound to get noticed. Their very nature was to be attached at the hips since the day they had met as kids, and the habit was back in full force. The hyungs did tease Taehyung a healthy amount. The way he blushed everytime they did made it evident that the younger boy liked it. The other thing that Hoseok and Namjoon noticed was that Taehyung was spending a lot of time sketching. That wasn’t new. What was new was that he wasn’t crumpling any paper to throw away, and he was smiling while he was at it. 

Hoseok and Namjoon hadn’t felt such relief in months. So when Jeongguk and Jimin came by one day to reveal details about the party, share some more information that the two boys weren’t aware of, and invite them over for the birthday gathering, and Namjoon was the first one to agree, Hoseok wasn’t really surprised. Taehyung, with his quirky habits, and quiet demeanour had made quite a Taehyung-shaped space for himself in their hearts. And now, they could only hope and pray that all things would go as per plan. 

Taehyung could tell that Jeongguk was becoming restless. He had been remarkably patient (not his best trait), but it was becoming tougher for him. He could tell by the increasing frequency with which the number of their accidental touches increased... the way it got harder to get Jeongguk to hang up, and how clingy he had become. And the number of times Jeongguk had caught himself on the verge of saying the three magic words. For Taehyung, this was validation he didn’t even know he needed. For any other person, it might have been too much, but for an affection-starved Taehyung, it was a first-time experience - the intimacy he felt from the constant attention on him. 

Jeongguk had proven over and over again that he wanted Taehyung back in his life, and not just as his best friend. They were both simply waiting for the final act.

For the first time in his life, Taehyung felt wanted, accepted as he was, with all his flaws, his qualities, his quirks, and his insecurities. There was no doubt in his mind anymore that Jeongguk didn’t see him as an incomplete person… as someone who needed to be better to be loved. And now it was Taehyung’s turn. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬

It was only when Jimin turned up at his doorstep with his small backpack just before he was leaving for their apartment, that his beliefs were confirmed - this night would be the turning point of their lives.

Taehyung took a deep breath, and left the apartment with his own backpack and a scroll. No one knew what was in the scroll, Taehyung had been very secretive about it. 

He walked out of the house and rammed straight into Jeongguk. “Wha… what’re you doing here?”

“What do you think I’m doing here?”

“Gguk I can get myself home, I know the way now.”

“Home, huh? I like the sound of that!”

Taehyung smacked Jeongguk on his chest. “That’s not the point I’m making”

“This has nothing to do with you. I couldn’t… stay away”

“I am coming to you ”

“Do you want to fight about it?”

And Taehyung was but a weak man. He did not have the power to fight Jeongguk’s pout. 

Then Jeongguk held his hand out, and Taehyung forgot what they were bickering about. For a while he looked at Jeongguk’s face, and back at his outstretched hand - this was a big step… not holding Jeongguk’s hand, he’s done that countless times before, but holding hands to walk towards the impending change in their lives together. Suddenly, he realised why Jeongguk was there - it was to let him know that they were in this together. His heart filled with gratitude for the boy. It felt like he had been transported back to the night before everything fell through again, but this time, there was more faith in his heart than insecurities, more calmness than excitement. It took him a few moments to steady himself and slip his hand into Jeongguk’s, but he didn’t fail to notice that Jeongguk hadn’t pulled his hand back the slightest bit. 

I’m gonna wait for you till you feel ready - the gesture said.

The walk towards Jeongguk’s apartment was comfortably silent, the vibrations they felt through their joined hands loud enough for both. “I’ve ordered takeaway for tonight, is that okay?” Jeongguk asked, sounding nervous once they were inside, looking at everything else apart from Taehyung. What was it with Jeongguk going all nervous whenever they were alone? 

“Bun?”

“Yeah?”

“Look at me?”

“I am looking at you”

“I am not the fridge.”

“Shut up!”

Taehyung held Jeongguk by his elbow and turned him around, lifted his face up to look him in the eye, “What’s wrong, bun? Why are you so nervous? It’s just me. Look at me. Look at me, bun. Tell me what’s bothering you? Wanna go and sit inside and talk?”

Jeongguk sighed, stepped into Taehyung’s personal space, and lowered his head onto Taehyung’s shoulder.

“I love when I get to see this side of you, Gee. You know? This one, that tells me that I don’t have to be strong all the time. That the moment I am vulnerable you will be there as my rock, my shelter. I love every aspect of the person that you are, but this one, this one I think you reserve just for me. And I love it.”

“You’ve always been the possessive one.”

“It’s not just me.”

Taehyung tensed. And he let his body relax, this was just Jeongguk. He could be himself with Jeongguk without any fear of judgement.

“It’s not just you. Let’s go in, bun, huh?”

Jeongguk relaxed against him on the couch, his head still on Taehyung’s shoulder, and Taehyung’s arms around his torso. He seemed content to just stay like that in silence so Taehyung didn’t push it anymore. But Jeongguk being Jeongguk, soon began to turn more towards Taehyung, as if trying to burrow a hole into his body and snuggle in. Taehyung loved that feeling. Jeongguk was right. It was only around this boy that he felt he could be strong, protective, and whatever Jeongguk needed him to be. If Jeongguk needed him to be the protector, he’d be the protector. If Jeongguk needed him to be his rock, he’d be his rock. He could do anything for the boy whose hands were now tied around his own torso, Jeongguk almost climbing onto his lap, reminding him of how it played out the last time they were so close. Taehyung took a few deep breaths. He would need to control himself around Jeongguk at least until he’d said his piece. 

They sat like that, huddled together, just soaking up each other’s presence, till dinner arrived. And dinner was a silent affair too, as if both hearts were anticipating an onslaught on themselves. The only thing left to be seen was the turn their relationship would take after these two days.

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

“Come to bed with me?” Taehyung held out his hand for Jeongguk after they had cleaned the dishes.

Jeongguk, back in his element, arched his eyebrow, “Is that an invitation for…?”

Taehyung used the same outstretched hand to smack him on the head, and Jeongguk broke into a delicious laughter. For a few seconds, Taehyung closed his eyes to just savour the sound of that laughter, to memorise it, to wrap it around himself like a warm sweater. His eyes snapped open when he felt the warmth in reality, of two familiar hands, wrapping around him in a back hug, pushing him towards Jeongguk’s room. They walked towards it together, as a unit.

This time around, Taehyung had brought his own clothes, and he changed into them. As soon as he was out of the washroom, Jeongguk clicked his tongue and said, “nah, mine looked way better on you. Tomorrow night, you wear my clothes… if…anyway.”

“If?”

“You don’t want me to finish that sentence yet, trust me,” he winked and proceeded to freshen up.

Taehyung shook his head. He was finally catching up with Jeongguk’s little mischievous side. That one had grown up to be a brat.

Finally, they were at the point where Taehyung could postpone the conversation no more. It was time. 

“Sit here, in front of me, so I can see your face while I say what I want to say.”

“You sure? Do you want me to hold you while you speak, Gee?”

“Hold my hands, and if at any point it gets too much, just ask me to let go. I will understand.”

“There is nothing you can say to me that can make me let go. I hope you know that.”

“That’s very reassuring. But what I have to say might not be what you expect either.”

“I’ve considered everything.”

Taehyung took a deep breath. The feeling of Jeongguk’s hands in his, gave him the courage to begin. “Bun, the day I first saw you, was one of my quiet days and I admit I was dragged there. I didn’t want to talk at all. But the moment I saw you, I also had this feeling that if I didn’t ask you to be in my life then and there, then I would lose someone very valuable. So I overcame the voices in my head, and asked you to be my friend. That should have been the sign. With you around, overcoming the voices in my head was always easier. Unlike what I was being told at home - that I needed to be perfect to be loved, you loved me just like that. No questions asked. No conditions. With all my imperfections. Fuck, sometimes I think you managed to love my flaws more than I ever could.”

Taehyung shifted a little, his grip on Jeongguk’s hand firm. “And now, if it gets awkward, you tell me. Okay?” 

Jeongguk nodded.

“When I turned fifteen, I was very lost. I didn’t know what it was about, but it felt like I was looking for something that I couldn’t find. It was driving me crazy. I was so frustrated. The only place where I could find some peace was when I was with you. And like always, you were the one who came to my rescue… who helped me find what I was looking for. I still remember the day. It was two days after your fifteenth birthday, I was doubting myself, and you kissed my cheek to make me feel better. That was… the first time you ever… kissed me. Uhh… it was also the day you gave me this nickname, Gee, do you remember?”

Jeongguk was watching him, transfixed. He nodded slightly.

“But that kiss. Umm… how do I put it? That kiss made me feel like I had finally found my way home. That I wasn’t lost anymore. That… what I was looking for, was right in front of me. It was you. It’s so dramatic, right? But I… but I realised that I… I had fallen in love with you, bun.”

Jeongguk inhaled sharply. This is it, Taehyung thought. He loosened his grip on Jeongguk’s hand. It was Jeongguk who held on. That gave him hope. 

“I was the happiest person on earth that day. How many people get the chance of falling for their person? The one person they know will be there in their lives forever? Not many, right? And I didn’t know how you felt, I didn’t know if you would feel the same. But I knew that you would never leave me. Even if you had to… reject me, you would never see me any differently. You wouldn’t… judge me. I guess, I guess my happiness stemmed from the fact that I’d  fallen for the best human being I knew. Like I’d done something correctly in life. You know?” Jeongguk blushed. That was a good sign.

“But that day, umm… when I reached home, mum and dad were talking about homosexuality like a disease, of disowning me if I ever caught it. And at that point I didn’t blame them because you know how they were, how they grew up. Honestly, if they’d shouted at me, it wouldn’t have really mattered because they used to shout at me anyway. What scared me was the thought of them misbehaving with you for reciprocating my feelings or supporting me. What would I do then? I couldn’t let that happen. That thought ate me alive. So I thought about it, and decided that whenever I turned eighteen and we got our apartment for uni, I would confess then. Not before that. That would give us some time to grow up and handle things better, right? I was going to hold it in. You weren’t going anywhere anyway,” he shrugged.

“You decided to hide it from me to protect me?” Jeongguk whispered.

“Yeah. Yeah I did. That was when I started hiding things from you and I am not proud of it, but it's the truth. I hid how my heart would beat so fast, every time you hugged me. I hid that I would get lost looking into your eyes. I… hid that I wanted to kiss you so bad. Everytime I had an urge, I would end up kissing your forehead instead,” Taehyung’s ears were red. 

“You… fuck, Taehyungie. It’s not good to always put others first, you know?” Jeongguk chided, frustrated, “I could’ve… fuck.” He seemed to have forgotten his words.

“But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I became horrible, and selfish, and such a bad friend. When you… when you found Jin hyung and Yoongi hyung, I… I was so jealous, Jeonggukie. I felt like I was being replaced. I acted out. I just… couldn’t take it that you had two more people who you’d rather spend your time with instead of with me. And that wasn’t even true! You were… you were preparing for music school and I knew that! But I let all my insecurities take over and I formed these scenarios in my head. And then you… I mean, I am not sure, but it did seem like you had fallen for Jin hyung,” Taehyung lowered his head, it still hurt to think about it.

“I mean, he’s beautiful, you… I don’t blame you if you did. Even if you didn’t, to my envious eyes, I was watching you fall for a guy who wasn’t me. He was taking care of you, cooking for you, making you feel more confident about yourself… I couldn’t do any of that. He was the better man, and I clearly wasn’t a match for him. So I decided to remain within my limits, be a good friend at least. But even Yoongi hyung was a better friend than me. I guess because they were both introverts, they understood you better. And I… I was just… an ambivert pretending to be an extrovert. I felt like a fake person, definitely not someone you deserved, and these thoughts started to eat me alive. That’s when I found my way to Jimin. He really helped me feel less lonely. He was so good to me. Such a great friend. And look at how I treated him… anyway, that is a different apology,” he sighed.

“You started disconnecting calls when I was in the room. I assumed that you were talking to Jin hyung. Then we fought. It was then that I decided that things were getting out of hand and I needed to explain my strange behaviour to you. That I wasn’t upset about you having other friends, but just frustrated about having to hide my feelings, and watch you fall for someone else. I was jealous to a point where I thought I couldn’t coexist with them in your life. And that… Ggukie, that was such a horrid thought. So I panicked, and I planned to confess to you on your birthday during our sleepover.”

Jeongguk, who had been quiet all this time, tightened his hold on Taehyung’s hand so much that Taehyung looked up instinctively, “You… you were going to confess on my birthday?”

Taehyung nodded in affirmation. “I was, but that day I felt like a fourth wheel. Not your fault, it was just my insecurities. When I went into your room that morning, you were cuddling with Jin hyung, sleeping. So I sat on the stairs, waiting for you to wake up.”

“You sat on the stairs? For how long?”

“I don’t know. I came at around 7 am, like usual.”

“I woke up at 10, we were up late…working on some music. You sat outside for three hours?”

Taehyung shrugged, “I guess”

“It’s not that important,” he continued. “I was… I was angry, bitter. And then they were going to stay over that night too, so that meant I couldn’t confess. I… bun… Jeonggukie… you have no idea how sorry I am that I lashed out at you like that. I… trust me I never meant a single word. It was just my bitterness, my jealousy, my dejectedness at not being able to show you how I felt. The idea of me not being enough even for you. I… I am so sorry Jeonggukie.”

At that, Taehyung broke down. Jeongguk said nothing. He just kept holding Taehyung’s hands. It took him a while, but Taehyung steadied himself. He needed to bare his heart today. 

“I waited for fourteen days to see if you could look beyond the madness, and see the broken me. But even I know it was too much to ask for after how horribly I behaved with you. So I left everything behind because I couldn’t afford becoming a monster in your eyes out of all the people in the world. A world where you would look at me and remember how badly I treated you, and nothing else,” Taehyung took a sharp breath.

“Grandma took me in. You should know that she thought very highly of you. She said she thought that you too…anyway. I came out to her and she accepted me as I am. Slowly, I started to realise that my parents only loved a version of me - the version that they wanted to see. And maybe I too, learned to love you very selfishly. I should have been happy if you were happy. If your happiness lay with Jin hyung, and if I really loved you, I should have been happy for you. If being friends with Yoongi hyung was better for you than being friends with me, I should have been okay to move to the periphery. But I couldn’t. Clearly. So isolation was my punishment. Staying away from you was me atoning for my mistakes. There can never be a bigger punishment for me, than staying away from you, so in a twisted way, I was happy.

The demons in my head were back with a bang, louder than ever. And I didn’t know how to navigate life without you. Finishing half a school year without you was so bad for my mental health that I… I didn’t want to get into uni at all. That’s why I enlisted. The mindless life of following instructions was good for me, I didn’t have a lot of time to think and spiral. But as you know, mum and dad disowned me, so I had to find a way to survive after Grandma passed on. That’s when I thought about you, and how you used to encourage me to pursue my art. So… here I am,” Taehyung paused, finally amassing the courage to look directly at Jeongguk. Jeongguk’s head was hung low, but his grip on Taehyung’s hands was still strong.

“Bun… bunny… I am… I am so sorry. I am so sorry for running away and for causing you so much pain. I… didn’t stop to think about anything else but my broken heart. I was selfish, and I… just, if you want some time away from me, tell me. I… or if you don’t want to see me again. I would… I would understand bun.”

“Are you for real?” Jeongguk looked up, his eyes red, his face wet with tears. 

Taehyung was shivering. It had taken all of his strength to lay himself bare like this for Jeongguk. Years and years worth of pain and suffering, of fighting his demons alone, of carrying the burden of not being enough for anybody, of pretending to be someone he was not, and finally being able to verbalise it all to his most favourite person, wondering if his apology would be enough, or if it would render him isolated again, sent tremors through his body. 

Jeongguk pulled on their clasped hands, and Taehyung tumbled forward. Jeongguk let go and held him by his arms, pulling him into his lap. Taehyung was so taken aback at the action that he couldn’t react. He kept staring at Jeongguk, with a tear-stricken face, and Jeongguk stared back.

Slowly, Jeongguk cupped his face with both his hands. 

“Gee? Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I know it must have been really hard… I…,” he took a deep breath, “I can see how hard it was for you to share it. I too, have a lot to say, my side of the story, which you too know nothing about. But this is not the time. Wait for another day, and you will have the full picture. Okay?” His voice was so tender and soft that Taehyung wondered what he had done right to deserve someone like him in his life. 

“Now listen to me, and pay attention, okay? What you need to know is that I am not mad at you for leaving. I was, and I dealt with it. You are so precious to me that the anger was more of a sadness, expressing itself in a different form. I could never ever stay angry with you. No more apologies required. We let this go, here, tonight. Got it? Nod your head, you don’t have to say anything. I know you’re overwhelmed right now.”

Taehyung nodded his head in affirmation, but also in disbelief. That’s it? Jeongguk was okay with everything he did, everything he said? How was that possible? 

“Second, here’s a question I really, badly need an answer to. Really badly. But you can choose not to answer, that’s okay, of course. I just need to be sure of something. And that can be done anytime… this… these… feelings you realised you had for me when we were fifteen… are they a thing of the past? Did you… did you get over me?”

Taehyung couldn’t believe that Jeongguk was asking this question out of everything. Had he not been clear enough? “No,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t think I can ever get over you, bun. I still… yeah. There’s been no one else for me.”

Jeongguk took a deep breath, mumbled something that sounded vaguely like, you can do it, don’t mess it up dude, and looked back at Taehyung, all this while, cupping his face. “So now, the last thing you need to know tonight, is this,” he leaned forward, nose touching Taehyung’s, foreheads pressed together, “that I am going to kiss you now,” Taehyung inhaled a sharp breath, “and I am going to kiss you for a long time tonight, because I swear to god it's been a struggle to restrain myself.” His lips pressed against Taehyung’s, soft, but sure, before pressing in further. Taehyung shuddered in his hold. Voice down to a mere whisper, Jeongguk continued, “there has been no one else for me either, baby. It's you. It’s always been you. Taehyung for Jeongguk, and no one else.” 

The gasp Taehyung let out at that, gave Jeongguk the opening he needed to deepen the kiss. He slotted their lips together and kissed Taehyung like his life depended on it. The initial softness gone, it was now a testament to the intensity of his feelings. His hands moved from Taehyung’s face to pull him in closer by the nape, another hand on his waist. It was as if he needed to pour all his unspoken words, emotions, and love into this one kiss. Slowly, as Taehyung recovered from the shock of it all, he started kissing back, his hands moving to grip Jeongguk’s hair, an act that seemed to egg Jeongguk on, his hunger evident. Devouring each other as if they hadn’t just had dinner, Taehyung opened his mouth slightly to let Jeongguk in, and the latter didn’t waste a single second in invading his boy’s mouth with his tongue, exploring like he was looking for hidden treasure. 

When they broke for air, it only took one look at each other for them to dive in again, Taehyung catching Jeongguk’s bottom lip with his teeth, which spurred Jeongguk to slip his hand under Taehyung’s shirt to leverage an advantage. It was their first kiss, ever. But just like the two boys had fit into each other’s lives, their lips moulded against each other like they were meant to be kissing all the time. It was only when it became physically impossible to continue kissing that they did  pull apart, immediately pressing their foreheads together.

“You will always belong with me. I was made for you. Just you. The reason why I was born is because you were coming along in a few months. No one. I repeat, no one else.”

He pressed another kiss on Taehyung’s lips as if to seal the conversation forever. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬

Ever since he had known of Jeongguk’s birthday, Taehyung had never needed an alarm to wake up on September 1. He was up by six, ready by six thirty, and out of the door by six forty five to wake his bunny at seven. Over the past three years, he’d had nowhere to go, but he still had woken up at the same time. The first year, he was halfway ready before he remembered where he was. He would wish Jeongguk’s photograph on his phone, imagining him to have grown by a year, have a banana milk in his name, and cry himself to sleep, missing him deeply.

Today, when Taehyung woke up at six, the first thing his eyes landed on was Jeongguk’s face. He sucked in a deep breath when he realised it must be six in the morning, and he still had an hour before he needed to wake the other boy up. He knew he could wake Jeongguk up right then and Jeongguk wouldn’t mind at all, especially given the way last night had gone. 

The memory triggered Taehyung’s shyness. It was as if they had forgotten how to do anything else once they had discovered that they could kiss each other instead. He didn’t remember how many times they’d kissed, not that he was counting like a lovesick teenager. 

But he did remember the feeling of Jeongguk’s lips on his own, and how his imagination did not match up to reality at all. The way the other boy had ravaged his lips, it had felt like he’d been starving for ages. Unconsciously, Taehyung’s hand flew to his lips, and he realised that they were still swollen. He bit his lips shyly. No wonder they were. They had kissed until they had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, tiring themselves out. 

Jeongguk was sleeping with his characteristic pout. It was pretty difficult for Taehyung to stop himself from kissing it, but he restrained himself because he needed a moment to internalise the fact that he actually could. He could now kiss that pout anytime he wanted. A deep sigh left him as he paused to look at Jeongguk. Really just look, take his features in. The boy of his dreams, in his arms, lips as swollen as his, from kissing him - this is what his dreams were made up of. And they had come true. How strangely they had come true on the very day that he had lost all hope of ever even seeing the boy’s face again. 

Suddenly, Taehyung couldn’t wait anymore. He needed to wake him up and talk to him. He extended his free hand and caressed Jeongguk’s hair. Tracing his face slowly, he started outlining his features with his index finger. Like that was going to wake the sleepyhead up. Taehyung laughed at himself. Jeongguk was a heavy sleeper, and there was only one way to wake him up, that he would usually employ - flopping down on him with his entire body weight on the boy, and shaking him till he woke. This time though, Taehyung felt a little courageous. He lifted his torso a little, and hovering over Jeongguk’s face, he started blowing air on it. From his forehead, to his eyes, to his cheeks, to his earlobe… but, nothing happened. There was no movement. Disappointed, he tried to roll over to use his previous tactic of dropping his weight on Jeongguk’s body when the boy suddenly opened his eyes, and looked straight into Taehyung’s, no sleepiness in them but desire burning deep and wild.

And Taehyung, he didn’t know where to look anymore. 

With a swift tugging motion, Jeongguk pulled him on top of himself, and secured his arms around his waist. “Is this what you wanted to do?” he said in his raspy voice and Taehyung was sure that he had turned absolutely red. “Where’s my wish, baby? Come on, I need your voice to be the first thing I hear today,” he whispered. 

“Happy birthday, love,” Taehyung whispered back… the three words he had always wanted to be the first words his bunny heard on this day. He saw the exact moment Jeongguk’s eyes glossed over as he hoisted himself up to kiss his eyes, bop his nose, and finally place the softest kiss on his lips. “I love you. You don’t need to say it back right now, but I want you to know that I love you. I have loved you intensely from the moment I became aware of your existence. The form of love may have changed over the years. But the fact remains that everyday I feel I cannot love you anymore than I already do, and the very next day I surprise myself because I realise I love you a little more… Hey! Hey, don’t cry Jeonggukie. You can’t cry first thing on the morning of your birthday, come on!” 

Taehyung started kissing through the path of the tears, soaking up the river of tears that were flowing. Jeongguk flipped them over. “What am I supposed to do if you’re going to wish me like that? It's unfair. I’m going to have to top this for your birthday and I don’t know how!”

“You don’t have to top anything. You just have to make sure that I wake up to you.”

“Ohh that’s gonna be taken care of, sweetheart, don’t you worry!”

“You’ve grown awfully cocky with age, you know that?”

“Only with you, baby. Only with you. Your flustered face does things to me I can’t explain.” 

“Okay…”

“There you go. That red tinge near your ears. It has my whole heart and then some.”

“Get up and let me go”

“Never in my life. We’re growing old together and you brought this on yourself.”

Taehyung smiled. “Just… let me get your gift?”

“I have my biggest gift in my arms, I don't need nothing else,” Jeongguk lowered himself to kiss Taehyung. This time though, Taehyung pulled back before things escalated.

“What is this!” Jeongguk whined, “It’s my birthday! I get to do what I want. And I want to kiss you the whole day, that’s all I want to do! You’re so addictive, baby.”

Taehyung lifted his head a little, enough to reach close to Jeongguk’s ears, and said, “we have all of tonight after the party, love. And, the rest of our lives, if you so want.” 

That flustered Jeongguk so much that Taehyung could finally free himself of his hold without much struggle. 

He reached for the scroll beside his backpack, and turned towards the birthday boy who was pouting, yet again. 

“Look here,” he said as he crawled back into Jeongguk’s personal space. “Ever since I went away, there was something I kept trying to do, but couldn’t. Remember we used to sit together and sketch each other all the time? I kept… I kept trying to sketch your portrait over the past few years. But… but it never felt right. It always felt like something was missing you know? It never felt complete. That was another reason why I enrolled in fine arts, you know? Maybe…maybe the course could teach me how to complete the sketch properly. 

But… but I was wrong. My entire attempt was based on wrong assumptions. You know why the sketch always felt incomplete?” Taehyung was too excited.

Jeongguk smiled at his animated little tiger, “why?”

Taehyung proceeded to pull out an art paper from the scroll and opened it up for Jeongguk to see.

Art by Vishu

“Because I was sketching you alone. I was sketching something that cannot be complete without me. Last week… after last week I realised, we’re meant to be together. At every point in time… we’re meant to be together, no matter what.”

Jeongguk was lost in the moment. Taehyung’s big boxy smile while he spoke about his gift, and the sketch itself had taken his breath away. When Taehyung offered him the drawing, he took it in his hands gingerly, and stared at it for a long time. Then he drew a deep breath and said, “this is precious, baby. This is the most precious gift and I am always going to care for it… but this moment in time… this exact moment when you tell me you realise that we belong together, I am going to cherish this moment the most.”

He rolled up the sketch and put it back carefully inside the scroll. “Come here,” he whispered.

Taehyung moved closer. “I never want this moment to end, Gee,” Jeongguk said, before closing the distance between their lips. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

“So what’s happening today?” Taehyung asked after he had finished laying out the breakfast he had ordered for the birthday boy, who was currently hanging off his back and had refused to keep any space between them - “my birthday, my rules” apparently. He had forbidden Taehyung to be away from him for more than five minutes throughout the day, and Taehyung was so endeared that he had agreed. That’s a lie, Taehyung wanted to spend every second of every day with him, as well. 

“Not much. The hyungs and Chim will be here soon. Then we hang out. It’s just the seven of us.”

“Seven?”

“Yeah”

“Seven? You, Chim, Yoongi hyung, Jin hyung, me… and?”

“Namjoon hyung and Hoseok hyung, of course”

“What?”

“I mean. I’ve hijacked their roomie. I have the right to invite them to my birthday party, right?”

“Since when did you become so good at making friends, huh?” Taehyung turned around in Jeongguk’s hold to flick his chin. Then he held his hands and made him sit. They had to eat at some point!

“I’m really not,” Jeongguk sighed. “You six are literally it for me. But I really couldn’t help it with Joon hyung and Hobi hyung. I am just so grateful for the way they love and care for you, I can’t… not be friends with them. They’ve been more instrumental in our story than you can ever guess. Thankfully they gave me a chance. If I had to fight them for you…. Aaah, things would have been very different!”

Taehyung laughed. This had started to happen lately, he had noticed, he was laughing a lot.

“Why are you making this about me? I know you like intelligent people like Joon hyung and creative people like Hobi hyung.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Suddenly, Jeongguk’s face became serious. “Everything is about you. For me, every damn thing is about keeping you close. By the end of today, I hope you’ll have that etched in your heart so you never doubt it again. There’s nothing and no one more important to me than you. There wasn’t. There never will be.”

Taehyung was by his side in an instant. Cradling his face with both his hands, leaning in to place a soft kiss on his forehead. Jeongguk leaned into the touch and let his head fall on Taehyung’s shoulder. Today, he was open to be pampered by Taehyung all day. He would never grow too old for it.

“Okay I need to add one more rule.”

“Yes, your royal highness”

“You can’t leave my line of vision for more than five minutes today, right? And everytime you leave my sight, you come back and give me a kiss”

“Gguk. I think you’re forgetting something”

“What? Ummm… should I make it a kiss on the lips? But you can kiss me anywhere. I am fine. I feel equally giddy every time. No wait. Lips are different… I can admit I am a little biased. But still, you can choose.”

“Silly boy! There will be other people here”

“So what?”

“You want me to kiss you in front of them?”

“What’s the problem? I don’t understand”

“Think it over, bun. Then let me know. They don’t know about us yet”

“Well they can watch you kiss me and figure it out themselv… ohokkay. Not needed. This rule is null and void. No one needs to watch you kiss me. Fuck no!”

“That’s what I thought. Now finish your breakfast and let’s get ready”

“Fuck I can’t get the image out of my head. Do something Gee. This is infuriating! I don’t want anyone to see you like that!”

Taehyung had no option but to make him forget about it with a searing kiss that almost got them late for their own party. 

Jimin, Namjoon and Hoseok were the first ones to arrive. And Taehyung felt a little more at ease with that. He had been acting cool, but the thought of running into Jin and Yoongi had been weighing him down internally. He knew that he had to make up for the way he had behaved with them before. So when the doorbell rang, he steeled his resolve, and volunteered to open the door. He didn’t miss the proud smile on Jeongguk’s face, and that tugged at his heartstrings immediately making him feel better. 

He opened the door with his most welcoming smile, and was instantly taken aback when he was tackled into a bear hug by the handsomest man he had ever seen. Jin had managed to grow prettier, if that was even possible. And the hug made Taehyung feel like every difference between them had simply been erased by that one heartfelt action. Having had to school his emotions all his life, Taehyung knew a genuine gesture when he saw one, and he was immensely grateful. 

When Jin released him, Yoongi who was still standing outside since Jin had hogged the doorway, looked at him and said, “good to see you here, kid. Good to see you here.” Yoongi was the quieter out of the two, Taehyung knew. His words were few, his gestures controlled, but the shine in his eyes told Taehyung what he needed to know. 

He was forgiven without even asking for it. 

The gratitude that filled Taehyung’s heart to know that Jeongguk had these wonderful people in his corner told him that he too, had left a lot of his darkness behind. As they walked inside, Taehyung saw how Jeongguk’s face lit up, seeing the three of them looking comfortable with each other, and his heart was at peace. There was going to be time for lengthy conversations, but for today, he needed to focus on his love.

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬

It was just after lunch when Taehyung sensed a shift in Jeongguk’s demeanour. A nervousness that hadn’t been there before. Then, he noticed a peculiar movement where suddenly, everyone who was till now scattered all around the house - Namjoon and Hoseok trying to get to know more about Seokjin like their lives depended on it, Jimin clinging to Yoongi like he couldn’t see anyone else, and Jeongguk simply not letting Taehyung out of his sight - was suddenly back in the living room, spread out on the couch. 

And Jeongguk wasn’t hanging off of Taehyung, but was sitting in the middle of the five other men. 

Anxiety, something he hadn’t felt in a while, started to build up. His hands were restless. And he really, really needed to hug Jeongguk but it seemed to him that the room had been divided into two halves and he was on one side of it, alone. He fisted his hands on his sides, trying very hard to school his expressions. What if, what if it had all been just a dream? Just a huge misunderstanding and now everyone was here to tell him that he was the worst human being to exist? What if they would tell him he didn’t deserve to be loved, to be forgiven, to be accepted? What if? 

He tried. He tried really hard not to think about it that way, not to spiral, but the thoughts were taking over again. Until suddenly, a calm and gentle voice filtered in through the noise. 

“Gee?” Jeongguk sounded unsure.

“Yes bun?”

“This is it, okay?”

“Huh?”

“I need you to focus on me, my words and voice for the next… I don’t know how long. But I need you to really listen, take each word to heart. Can you do that for me, baby?”

Was his anxiety showing? He didn’t know. He was dazed. He closed his eyes.

“Baby, Tae? Focus on my voice. Okay?” Suddenly Jeongguk’s voice seemed too close.

Taehyung opened his eyes to see Jeongguk standing right in front of him, on his side of the room, the part his head had started to demarcate as such. He held out his hand towards Taehyung and the world started to come into focus again. Taehyung held Jeongguk’s hands and slowly his heart rate came back to normal. Nervously, he took a look around the room and spotted comforting smiles on each face, and a guitar in Yoongi’s hands. 

He trained his eyes and ears back on the one that mattered the most.

“Hmm… here goes. A confession long overdue. But I needed Jin hyung and Yoongi hyung to be here for it, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense. That’s why… I had to wait till today, they weren’t able to make it here earlier. 

Gee, do you know what Gee stands for?”

“Genius?” Taehyung blushed despite himself.

“Yes. But also, gorgeous - the meaning that fifteen-year old Jeongguk couldn’t bring himself to say that day he kissed your cheek for the first time.”

Taehyung blinked. What?

“Taehyungie, you realised you had feelings for me after I kissed your cheek. And I… I kissed your cheek because I was overwhelmed by my feelings for you. ”

“You… you had feelings for me?”

“Can’t even pinpoint the beginning. Won’t be surprised if it was love at first sight, baby”

“You were eight”

“How does that matter? Did I share my toys with anyone before you?”

“No,” Taehyung whispered in disbelief.

“It was puppy love, I’m sure. But it was there. I never felt the need to have anyone else in my life since I met you. Never even tried.”

Taehyung gulped.

“I had the same plans. To confess when we started living together during graduation. But when I grew up and you grew up, and baby, you just kept getting prettier and prettier by the minute, smarter, and more amazing every time I saw you, I started getting scared of losing you… to others. I started getting scared because I suddenly realised that you could be straight too, that you could be into girls, that you would like…love… someone else.  As I grew up, I realised that just because I had feelings for you, didn’t mean you would develop feelings for me too. And that was damn scary.”

“You… I… what the fuck!” Taehyung couldn’t believe his ears.

“Exactly. Then I met those two,” he gestured at Jin and Yoongi, “when I was struggling with that roller coaster of a ride. Thinking about you all the time, and trying to express my love through my music because I had no one to talk to about my feelings that just kept growing every day. My music was so full of yearning, that one day they pinned me down and had me confess about my longing for you.”

“He would always choose the saddest of love songs, and sing them so beautifully that our hearts would break for him,” another voice spoke, Jin. “So we had no choice but to grill him.”

“When I told them, Yoongi hyung didn’t want to meddle, but Jin hyun… Jin hyung had taken to me like the younger brother he never had. He said he would help me figure out if you had feelings for me too. And baby, all the phone calls you saw me disconnecting were because I was reporting your reactions to things I did, like kissing your forehead for instance, or picking you up to show off my muscles. Couldn’t discuss those in front of you, could I? It was so embarrassing!”

“You were…” Taehyung faltered. “You were asking for advice on how to…”

“Woo you. Yes. But nothing seemed to work. You weren’t even complaining about how little time we were spending together and that was hurtful. I didn’t… I was so caught up in my own feelings, too… that I didn’t realise you were not saying anything because you were hurting from it. I… kept wanting to draw some reaction out of you, and you kept going into your shell. Only I… completely failed to recognise it.”

“But you… Jin hyung… I thought you had a crush on him. I have never seen you so comfortable around someone you know for such a short time. You were… you were… cuddling with him,” Taehyung instinctively looked at Jin, unsure if he’d crossed a line, 

but unable to control the bitter feeling of jealousy that tugged at him.

Jin broke into his characteristic windshield laughter. “I guess Tae has set the stage for you himself, lover boy. Do you want to tell him, or should I? Aah Taetae. Little naive Taetae. I guess you got thrown off because I am so handsome, right?” he smirked, not knowing he hit the nail on the head. “Jeon Little Demon Jeongguk can never be anything but my brat of a younger brother, Tae. You saw us cuddling because I had to physically pin him down the night before so that he didn’t ruin our plans. But…” he sighed, suddenly becoming serious, “in hindsight, I should have probably let him go. And I will always be sorry about that.” The way his entire demeanour dimmed told Taehyung that they hadn’t expected him to react the way he had the next day. His shoulders sagged too.

“What happened the night before, bun?” Taehyung asked, his voice unsteady.

“Let me tell this story. Jeonggukah, you’re ready right? Go drink some water,” Yoongi turned towards Taehyung and said, “I don’t think he will be able to do what he wants to do if he’s the one telling this story, and I don’t want Kim Seokjin to add his own spicy details to it or we will be stuck here till eternity.” That earned him a huff from Jin, but he didn’t comment any further.

Yoongi continued, in his calm, balanced voice, “ever since we’d found out about his feelings for you, we’d been helping him plan the best confession in the history of the universe, his words, not mine. It took us a whole year to get to it, so we planned to do it on his birthday.” Taehyung gasped. “Yes, he was going to confess to you that night after everyone else fell asleep,” Yoongi was surprisingly calm. “We were staying over because, well, he needed us in the background. Maybe… maybe we shouldn’t have. What you two had… have … is so wholesome by itself, that maybe all the meddling got in the way. Maybe, maybe I should have just taught him how to play the guitar by himself, and although Jin has the most beautiful voice, I think… in hindsight, I think… we really didn’t need background vocals.” The emotions got the better of Yoongi too, as his voice started to break towards the end. 

Taehyung looked up at Jeongguk, who’s eyes were shining with unshed tears. “You were going to sing your confession to me?” Taehyung barely completed his sentence, choked by emotions.

“His first ever song. The song he wrote just for you. The very first song he ever wrote… composed music for, Taetae,” that was Jimin. 

“And he was struggling to convey his feelings through words. I guess that’s what happens when you feel too much. The song wasn’t yet ready, or that’s what he felt, even the day before his birthday. Taehyung, that’s why we stayed over at his place that day. And at 2 am, when he finally cracked it, he was so damn happy and excited that it got really difficult for us to hold him back from running to you with the song right in the dead of the night,” Jin finished for them.

“Because you come first,” Jeongguk said, breaking his silence. “You always come first. I… I needed to tell you that I could finally… finally write a song. Who else could I want to share the happiness with? I forgot for a moment that I had written it for you, I just remembered that you are all my firsts. You always will be.”

Taehyung had so much to say. But there was a tornado inside his heart, and he was at a loss for words. If he hadn’t walked out of Jeongguk’s life that day, they wouldn’t have lost all of this time. 

He stood. And he stared. Into the void. He was spiraling again, and this time he didn’t know if he could make it out of his head. He had single-handedly ruined his own life, and Jeongguk’s as well. He didn’t deserve to be loved.

He didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone.

He didn’t deserve to be loved by him.

Taehyung was falling into an abyss. A blackhole with no way out.

Until he heard the strum of a guitar, and his most favourite voice humming, the one that always pulled him out, no matter how far gone he was.

Jeon Jeongguk. 

“Summer has already spread in the air

Breeze is already blowing

The last cold snap is going out

The days were getting longer and longer

But my days were still going on and on and on

I got wet in the sun shower and looked up at the night sky

It was quite a lonely night

In the blink of an eye

The dark faded out

Blooming under the sunlight

Memories with me and you”

Who was stretching out his hand for him to hold.

“All these lights are colored in by you

All these times are precious due to you

Four seasons have passed with you

Four scents were left ‘cause of you

All the reasons why I can laugh out

All the reasons why I sing this song

Thankful to be by your side now

I’ll try to shine brighter than now”

Him. This song was written for him.

“사라질까 (Worrying that it may disappear)

혹시 꿈일까 (Worrying that this was a dream)

뒤척이다 (Tossing and turning,)

또 잠이 든다 (I fall asleep again)

영원할 수 있을까 (Could it last forever)

사무친 이 맘 (With emotions sunk down deep into my heart,)

달래어 보다 (I try to comfort myself)

밤에 잠겨 감긴다 (and sink into the night, eyes falling shut”)

Jeongguk was scared of losing him. Him. 

“사뭇 쓸쓸했던 밤 (Quite a lonely night)

어느새 먹구름은 흩어져가 (The dark clouds scatter away before I notice)

빛줄기 밑 새겨진 (Engraved under the ray of light)

너와 남긴 온기들 (is the warmth left by you and I)

모든 빛은 네게 물들고 (All these lights are coloured by you)

나의 시간은 완벽해져 (All my times become perfect)

네 번의 계절 또다시 (Four seasons, once again)

더 짙어지게 또다시 (so that the colour gets even richer, once again”)

He added colour to Jeongguk’s life.

“내가 미소를 짓는 이유도 (All the reasons why I can smile,)

이 노랠 부를 수 있는 것도 (all the reasons why I can sing this song,)

네 곁이기에 감사해 (are that I’m next to you, so I’m thankful)

더 빛나볼게 환하게 (I’ll try to shine brighter)

On a starry night

Hope my you sleep tight

Shining purple light

Thankful to be by your side now

On a starry night

Hope my you sleep tight

Shining purple light

네 곁이기에 감사해 (That I’m next to you, I’m thankful)"

Jeongguk loved him.

He didn’t know when he had moved to hold Jeongguk’s outstretched hand. But he felt the pull as Jeongguk tugged him into himself. “My You,” he said softly as Taehyung hid his face into the crook of Jeongguk’s neck. “I looked through a thousand words but they couldn’t describe what you are to me, love.”

The soft sobs that racked through their bodies were quickly absorbed by five other human beings who chose to smother them to death right at that instant in a bone crushing group hug. 

[Song Credit: Jungkook, translated lyrics from Doolset ]

Chapter Text

It was almost dinner time, and Taehyung needed to talk to Jeongguk about something important. He had seen him walk out onto the balcony with Namjoon and Hoseok, which was very surprising. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that those three were such fast friends. It wasn’t jealousy anymore, just surprise. Hobi, he could understand, but Namjoon? Namjoon had taken to Jeongguk like fish to water - like a younger brother he never had. Well, Jeongguk was charming, that was true. He was easy to love too. It was probably just that. If he thought about how the seven of them had fallen into an easy banter today, and it hadn’t felt like they were all meeting for the first time together, then it all made sense. Some people were just meant to be in each other’s lives and he got that feeling around these six. He, in fact, had had a long chat with Jin himself, where he had tried to explain to Jin and apologise, and Jin had turned it around and apologised to him for making him feel alienated from his own best friend. 

So that was that.

It suddenly seemed like the most dramatic phase of Taehyung’s and Jeongguk’s life was little more than a coming of age turmoil that they were destined to go through. No matter how dark and painful, now they were on the other side of the tunnel, and everything seemed brighter. He remembered his halmoeni’s words suddenly, “if people are meant to be together, they find their way back to each other, always.”

A little hesitant before venturing to the balcony where Jeongguk was, he realised that the other two people there were also required for the conversation. So he decided to just go for it. Just before he stepped out though, he stopped in his tracks. 

“Jeonggukah, I don’t think it's a good idea to keep anything from him anymore. I’d rather you get it over with today,” Namjoon’s voice floated over to him. Taehyung froze in his place. 

“I agree with him. You’ve cleared everything up between you two, why keep this secret? It’s not needed. You know he will understand,” Hoseok chipped in.

“I… I will. I just… God I hope he doesn’t take it the wrong way. It’s taken me so long to get him back in my life, I’m going to die if I end up jeopardising it just because I am overthinking this one detail,” Jeongguk sounded desperate.

It was at this point that Taehyung made up his mind. Nothing was worth losing Jeongguk again. Nothing. His heart had calmed down, his mind was clear. As long as he had Jeongguk by his side, he would deal with it. They would deal with it together.

He stepped on to the balcony.

“I uh… needed to talk to the three of you”

Namjoon almost fell off the balcony, he got so startled. It was Hoseok who saved him.

“Three… three of us? Together?” Taehyung had never seen Hoseok so nervous.

“Umm… I need a favour to ask from the two of you, and accordingly I need to inform him of something.”

“What?” Namjoon asked.

“I need… I mean, would you be okay if Jeonggukie stayed with me tonight at our apartment? I need to show him something.”

“Ewwwwwww. Ewww. Ewwwwww. Taehyungah. Please. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I liked the quiet version of you better. What the fuck!” Hoseok almost shrieked.

Jeongguk was beside him in a second, a huge grin on his face, “you’re letting me into your room?”

“Yes, as a birthday gift. Hobi hyung, stop making everything dirty. I wanted to ask if you guys are okay with him staying over?”

“Baby, do I need to get their permission every time I stay over? That’s going to be a hell lot. Can we get this arranged right away?” He turned around to face Namjoon and Hoseok, “Hey roomies! You guys will probably see me coming out of his room seven days a week.”

“Bun!”

“Am I wrong?” Jeongguk turned towards him and raised a brow.

Taehyung sighed. It wasn’t impossible. Rather, it seemed more possible than anything else now. Maybe he needed to rethink his living arrangements.

“Hyung?” he asked again.

“Of course Taehyungah. It’s his birthday, and it’s an important day for the two of you. Don’t worry about it. Do you want us to spend the night elsewhere?” Namjoon, trying to be mature and accommodating, still winced.

“Not at all! Why would that be needed?” Taehyung exclaimed.

“Not at all?” Jeongguk pouted. He was ignored. “Looks like you’re giving my birthday gift to Chim. He will have this whole apartment to himself with Yoon… I mean.”

“He’s not very subtle, you know? You have nothing left to hide. He’s been practically sitting on that hyung’s lap the whole day.”

Jeongguk laughed sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. 

“And you’ll get your birthday gift for sure,” Taehyung whispered in his ears before running away from the group. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬

“Wait here till I text you,” Taehyung pushed Jeongguk onto the couch in the living room as he walked backwards towards his room. Namjoon and Hoseok had thoughtfully retreated into their own rooms as soon as they had reached their apartment.

“Wha… why? It’s my birthday?”

“I need to prepare your gift”

“Are you using double-meaning words on me now?”

“No. Don’t get cheeky with me. Sit. Wait.”

“Have I told you that you’re hot when you’re like this?”

“And you’re too cocky for your own good.”

“You love me”

“Can’t deny that”

That’s all it took for Jeongguk to shut up, place his hand on his heart, and sigh like the lovesick fool he was.

- Come on in.

It had taken fifteen minutes (that felt like fifteen hours to Jeongguk) for the text to light up his phone. He ran towards the closed door. 

Jeongguk turned the knob of the door carefully and walked in. But Taehyung was not in sight. He started looking around when he felt a pair of hands snake up his torso from the back. Relieved, he finally took in the room, and a gasp left his mouth involuntarily. 

Taehyung’s room was an exact replica of the way they had planned their rooms for when they had thought of moving in together for university. Just like Jeongguk had stuck to the plan, so had Taehyung. Down to the same bed sheets, same plushies, same pillow covers, the same curtains that they had decided on together, and the same photographs lined up on his bedside table. Jeongguk sighed. The two of them had put together each item bit by bit for their shared apartment - gifting each other things over the years since they’d decided to move in together when they turned eighteen. He brought Taehyung in front of him, teary-eyed, and pressed their foreheads together. It was time.

“I love you,” he said. The three words didn’t seem enough for how he felt for Taehyung, but they would have to do. He was too overwhelmed to say anything else.

“And I love you,” Taehyung whispered back. “Can I kiss you? I have always wanted to kiss you in this room.”

“Are you really asking that question?” Jeongguk shook his head, pulling the boy towards him to kiss him senseless, overwhelmed at how every time they kissed it seemed like the very first.

“Do you want to go and change?”

“I do, but there is something I need to tell you before we… I need to tell you something, Gee”

“Come, sit on the bed with me.”

“No,” Jeongguk dragged him to the bed, and made him sit on the edge. Then he kneeled in front of him. “Gee, listen. And know that I love you.”

“You don’t have to keep using that nickname, you know, I won’t judge you. I am your safe space, remember? As you are mine.”

Jeongguk took a deep breath. “I didn’t enrol here by coincidence,” he hung his head low. “I… knew you were here, and I followed you. Chim missed you so much he came with me too. Left Yoongi hyung back in Busan because he badly wanted to see you. Don’t feel overwhelmed, Yoongi hyung is graduating this year and moving to Seoul to be with him. We missed you Tae.” He paused to gather his thoughts. “Jimin had convinced me to look back at all my actions when we were training together. He knows you too well, by the way. Keeps calling it the soulmate bond, or something. He made me recall everything and pointed out how I missed very obvious signs of you withdrawing into your shell in my madness to make my confession the best in the world. I guess I was too immature. By the time I was back from the military, I was desperate to find you. I…” his hands tightened around Taehyung’s waist, as his head dropped to Taehyung’s shoulder. 

“But he was so surprised to see me when we first met!”

“Well we were just settling in before we started to look for you, making friends, building connections to see if anyone knew you. He didn’t expect to run into you just like that.”

“Makes sense. How… how did you get to know where I was? You mean you did all this to come back to me? Me?” Taehyung’s voice trembled.

“Namjoon hyung’s appa called me a few months into my first semester in college. He had a letter for me, from your grandma,” Taehyung was frozen in Jeongguk’s hold. “He had been holding on to the letter for about a year per halmeoni’s request. On my twentieth birthday last year, he called. You’re an adult now, he said, it’s time to take responsibility for your life. ” Jeongguk took a deep breath before continuing, “Halmoeni’s letter was a short one. It said Namjoon hyung’s appa knew which university you were studying at, and if I felt about you the way she thought I did, I shouldn’t waste time. There was no other information. Which year you were studying in, what you were doing, where you stayed, what course. Nothing. It was signed off with… if people are meant to be together, they find their way back to each other, always.

Namjoon hyung’s appa also only gave me the name of the university. Chim was there during that phone call, we spoke about it for like two minutes. I applied for a transfer the next day. So did Chim. And here we are.”

Now he’d really said everything there was to say. And now it was up to Taehyung to make a decision. Would he take offence to being led to believe that all of this had been a coincidence? That his comeback had been planned instead of serendipity?

Taehyung lifted his face up, cradling it with both his hands, and looked into his eyes, both shining with unshed tears, “So you mean to say that you managed to rope in a whole village to make your way back to me? Including my own halmeoni, that romantic little old lady?”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“If you think I’m going to waste any more time thinking about the hows and whys of the fact that we are back together, love, you’re so wrong. There’s no coincidence when it comes to you and me anyway. I think we were fated to be. Taehyung and Jeongguk, like you said. Forever together. Maybe we just needed to stay apart for a while to really understand how much we value each other when we came back together. Can we leave it at that?”

“I already knew how precious you are to me, though,” Jeongguk pouted. 

And that made Taehyung laugh. The sound of that whole-hearted laughter rang through Jeongguk’s ears and made a home in his heart. Finally, finally he was at peace.

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

“Now go and change, will you? Your gift is waiting.” 

Jeongguk had never bolted so fast to the bathroom ever in his life. He changed into his boxers and a loose t-shirt and walked back into the room, only to find the lights dimmed, and Taehyung sprawled on the bed, wearing his t-shirt . Precisely, a t-shirt that had gone missing about three years back. It didn’t reach till more than Taehyung’s mid-thighs, and he couldn’t see any shorts peeking from near the hem. Jeongguk gulped. And he forgot to walk, but that’s another thing.

“You wanted me in your clothes tonight?”

“Uhh”

“You need to walk towards the bed to get to me, you know?”

“Huh”

“One foot in front of the other, come on, want to kiss you one more time before the day is over.”

And suddenly Jeongguk remembered how to walk (run) again. 

Hovering over Taehyung, the first thing he did was get rid of his tee. It was suddenly feeling too restrictive, too warm for clothes. Watching Taehyung’s reaction to the act was even more worth it. His eyes went wide, his mouth agape, and the characteristic shyness took over the bratty expression he carried till now. Satisfactory, thought Jeongguk.

He lowered himself down to Taehyung’s body beneath him, kissing his forehead first. Forehead kisses had always symbolised a love confession to him, and now he knew that it meant the same for Taehyung. Taehyung shuddered under the feeling of his lips on his skin. And then, then something changed in the air between them. Suddenly, it was Taehyung who snaked his arms around Jeongguk’s neck and pulled him down to his lips, flipping them over so he was on top of Jeongguk. “It’s your birthday. Let me show you how much I love you,” he breathed onto Jeongguk’s lips.  

Pressing his lips to Jeongguk’s jawline, he traced his entire face with soft, teasing kisses, while Jeongguk simply gripped onto his waist tightly, as if letting go would stop this rain of love that was drenching him. Stopping to place a kiss on his lips, Taehyung suddenly moved so now he was seated on Jeongguk’s thighs, his lips on the column of Jeongguk’s throat, “mind if I leave a mark?” Jeongguk was too far gone to say anything. He shook his head a no. Of course he wanted to be marked. To leave marks on Taehyung. To show the world that they belonged with each other. “It's good that you’re so quiet, bun, the hyungs are just next door. Remember that, will you?” the brat was in his element today, it seemed. And he would be the death of Jeongguk. A sharp tug on his earlobe brought him back to reality, and suddenly he was aware of how adventurous Taehyung’s hands had become while he languidly sucked on his earlobe… like they had all the time in the world. 

There could be nothing sexier than confidence in the longevity of a relationship. 

“Eyes on me,” Taehyung commanded suddenly, and Jeongguk realised that the onslaught on his ears had ended and the honey-skinned boy was sitting on top of him, straddling his thighs. For the first time in a long long time, Taehyung looked confident, happy in his skin, and secure. Jeongguk needed nothing more. But would he say no to what was happening? Was he mad?

Slowly, Jeongguk watched as Taehyung took off his shirt, revealing his golden skin to him bit by bit. Mesmerised, Jeongguk bit back his moans from just looking at the marvel that was Taehyung. Even the dimmed lights couldn’t take away from the way he glowed. And as Taehyung lowered himself to proceed to show him how much he loved him by worshipping every inch of his body, and letting him worship Taehyung’s body in turn, Jeongguk realised that love like this was a once-in-a-lifetime. With every kiss, every touch, every bite, and every mark they littered their bodies in, they left a tale of yearning, of wanting, of desire, and of the pure, unadulterated, unconditional love that they felt for each other… had felt since the time they’d met. Not a single part of their bodies went untouched, neither did their souls. The act was physical, but the emotions were almost spiritual… like every kiss was a prayer, every tug a confession, and every caress a promise of undying love.

Their lovemaking that night was silent, soft moans, and dragged out touches, kisses that lasted an eternity. It didn’t come from lust, from excitement, or passion. It came from the relief felt by two long lost souls, who had finally found the key to their home. 

♫✎｡♪🖌˚♬ 

Taehyung moved in with Jeongguk shortly after. For the world they were moving too fast, for those who knew them, knew they were three years late. Jimin stayed with Namjoon and Hoseok till Jin and Yoongi graduated, and moved to Seoul, the seven of them bonding like they were meant to be, placing bets on how grand and how soon Jeongguk's marriage proposal would come along. 

Surprising all of them, it was Taehyung who went down on one knee, dressed in khaki shorts and yet another one of Jeongguk's t-shirts, the day Jeongguk turned 25. They were in the middle of dinner. Taehyung said he couldn't wait any longer and Jeongguk cried for three hours after.

Sometimes, all it took was a push from the universe.

Or from eighty-year-old halmeonis who knew more about love and loving than anyone else.