Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Colonel Young rolled over in bed, staring at the clock next to him.

0100 hours. Awesome.

He wasn’t sure what was wrong, maybe it was the shift in routine? Anxiety? Whatever, the point was that he couldn’t sleep.

The gentle hum of Destiny’s FTL drive was nice, but the constant sound was slowly driving him insane.

He rubbed his eyes, throwing the covers off and carefully untangling himself from the sheets.

He buttoned up his BDU jacket, fingers fumbling in the darkness. It wasn’t cold on the ship, but he felt too exposed without the cover. 

After he’d finished the jacket, he slipped on his boots. The Colonel laced them easily, relying more on muscle memory than his actual vision. 

He opened the door using the control panel, stepping into the dimly lit corridor. Destiny had some sort of climate control, which made it so during the “night hours” the main areas of the ships lights were turned down. 

Young made his way through the halls in near silence. He took slow steps, trying to walk off his restlessness.

Even after the walk to the mess hall, he still had that same feeling of being unable to relax.

“You alright Colonel?” 

The unmistakable accent pulled him from his thoughts. Young looked over to see a familiar little asshole sitting at a nearby table.

He had a notebook in front of him, lots of scribbles all over the page. Typical Rush.

God he just wanted to kiss him sometimes. Maybe that would get him to shut up.

Young instead ran a hand through his hair, “Yeah. Just fine. What are you doing awake? It’s the middle of the damn night.”

Rush snorted and looked back down at his equations, “Could ask you the same thing.”

Young sighed and made his way over. It wasn’t the company he wanted, but it was better than being alone.

As he sat down, he caught Rush move just slightly back. It wasn’t enough to be a flinch, but it was more than nothing.

“When’s your first shift tomorrow?” Young asked, breaking the moment of silence.

Rush was bouncing his leg so much under the table that Young could feel his own chair shaking. He’d noticed it before, but never to this extent. 

The scientist muttered something to himself, frowning and biting the end of his pen.

“Hey- genius,” Young kicked him, not hard, but it made Rush look up regardless.

Jesus, he looks like a wet cat.

“What?” He spat, eyebrows furrowed in an annoyed expression.

“When’s your next shift?” Young asked again, this time much gentler.

Rush checked his watch, then looked to Destiny’s clock, “4 hours? Roughly.”

Young gave a dry chuckle, “I assume you don’t plan on sleeping anytime soon?”

This earned him a signature Nick Rush Nose Crinkle, which made him want to grab the guy by the front of his shirt and never let go. He very quickly smothered that feeling.

“Why would I?” Rush asked, “can’t get anything done if i’m asleep.” he reasoned, returning to his writing.

“Can’t get anything done if you’re dead either genius,” Young replied. 

“Mhm. Spare me the pep talk Colonel. If I wanted someone to lecture me on why I should get an ‘early night’ as you call it I’d just assign Eli a project at 1900 hours,”

They fell back into a comfortable silence, with Rush doing god knows what, and Young wishing he could pin the guy to the wall and see just how far he could push him.

He watched Rush work for nearly an hour, although it felt like longer. 

They didn’t speak much during that time, although occasionally Rush would take a break for a few seconds and rub his eyes. Young wondered if it was from sleep deprivation or all the reading he was doing.

“You ok genius?” Young only asked because he looked like he was about to keel over and vomit.

“Yeah. Yeah I'm ok,” Rush waved him off, squeezing his eyes shut. There was a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead, and his breathing was coming at an irregular pace.

Young let out an exasperated huff and stood, “you’re not. Cmon, I’m taking you to the infirmary.”

Rush looked up at him, taking a shaky breath to steady himself, “excuse me?”

“Infirmary. Now,” Young offered him a hand, which Rush predictably refused, “You can walk or I can carry you. Two options Rush.”

With an exhausted sigh, the scientist stood. He didn’t like being bossed around. Ever. 

“Good choice,” Young braced a hand on his back, feeling Rush’s heartbeat going a mile a minute, “when did you eat last?”

Rush shrugged, closing his eyes again and reaching suddenly to grab the edge of the table.

“woah- hey. I’m here,” Young rubbed small circles with the palm of his hand, “breathe genius.”

“The fuck d’ya think I’m doing?” Rush hissed, taking in a few sharp gasps.

“Well you sound like you’re hyperventilating,” Young countered, trying to get him to chill for a moment, “just relax. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Rush leaned ever-so-slightly into Young, his muscles starting to relax against him.

“There you go, it’s ok,” Young mumbled, “you’re ok. Figure out how to stand genius, then we’ll go see TJ.”

They stood like that for a few minutes, Rush pressed against Young’s chest as he rubbed his back. Finally, Rush gave him a small nod, “‘m ok.”

Young kept on hand on his back as they made their way out of the mess hall. He walked slowly, letting Rush set the pace for them. 

“We’re gonna get you some electrolytes, a little food. You’ll be ok,” Young murmured, praying to god no one else would be awake at this point.

He didn’t need more rumors.

Young used his free hand to open the control panel to the infirmary. No one was awake at this hour, thank god, and all the beds were deserted.

He carefully guided Rush over to one, helping him to sit and try to calm down.

“You gonna be ok if I go find TJ?” He asked, almost worried that Rush would pass out if he left him alone for too long.

“Yeah. I’ll be fine,” Rush nodded and waved him off. It would’ve been more reassuring if he wasn’t shaking subtly under Young’s hands.

He nodded and looked around, scanning the room for the entrance to TJ’s office. The light was off in the room, and he assumed she was sleeping.

Not for much longer though.

Young knocked on her door, cringing when he noticed the time. It was the middle of the goddamn night, and here he was, bringing in a man who was more stubborn than anyone he’d ever met.

“Colonel?” TJ blinked blearily at him, yawning as the door opened, “is everything alright?”

Young smiled softly at her, “Not exactly. I found Rush in the mess hall…he’s not in the best shape.”

She tilted her head and Young sighed, “what’s that mean?”

“He almost passed out on me when he tried to stand up. I don’t think he’s slept enough in the past week, and I’m not sure he’s eating. Like at all.” 

“That sounds like a very Nick Rush problem,” TJ muttered, pulling on her own BDU jacket and then pushing past Young into the near empty room.

The lights had come up a bit more with all the movement, and Rush had his eyes squeezed shut against them. 

“Dr. Rush?” TJ sat down in a chair next to his gurney, “can you tell me what happened?”

Rush pressed the heel of his hand into his eye socket, “Just got lightheaded. ‘s no big deal. Really.”

TJ sighed and shot Young a look of disappointment. She carefully examined Rush, checking for a concussion and low blood pressure.

Finally, she took a step back, “He’ll be fine. Looks like just some exhaustion. I’ll keep him here a few days and everything will be ok.”

Young nodded, crossing his arms, “Anything else I should know?”

“I’m taking him off duty,” TJ replied, “He’s welcome to do work from here though.”

With that she sighed and rubbed her eyes. Young could tell she hadn’t slept in a while, “Get some rest Lieutenant. I’ll watch Rush.”

She nodded and patted his shoulder before heading back to her office.

“Hey genius,” Rush was curled up on the gurney, not even bothering to get under the sheets. Young sat next to him, “you feeling any better?”

Rush looked up at him, trying desperately to make his brain come back online. He managed a small, noncommittal sound.

“Helpful,” Young teased, patting his shoulder, “TJ’s taking you off duty. She said you’ll work yourself to death otherwise.”

Rush closed his eyes and settled himself back against the pillows, “did she really?”

“Yep, and I’m staying here to make sure you don’t try to break that order,” Young added. Rush pulled away from his touch ever so slightly, and Young didn’t push it.

They sat there in silence for a while, and just when Young assumed the scientist had drifted off, he spoke again.

“Colonel?”

“Yeah genius?” Young looked down at him, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Don’t waste your time. I don’t want your charity.” Rush mumbled, his accent thickening with how close he was to sleep.

“Go the fuck to sleep you little shit.”

Chapter Text

Staying the night in the infirmary was a lot more peaceful than Rush thought it would be.

He’d assumed that Young was going to be an annoying fuck (per usual), but for the most part he was left alone.

The Colonel being nice to him was new. It wasn’t entirely unwelcome, but it did surprise him. 

The gurney that Rush slept on was comfortable. Not his best nights sleep but to be fair he hadn’t crashed anywhere that even *remotely* resembled a bed in near months. When he woke up around 9 in the morning, Colonel Young was asleep in a chair by his side.

He was making good on that promise.

TJ was already awake and moving around when Rush started to sit up. He groaned softly as the ache in his head doubled with the intensity of Destiny’s overhead lights.

“Dr. Rush,” TJ smiled softly at him, “how’re you feeling?”

“Like someone took a sledgehammer to my brain,” Rush mumbled, closing his eyes tightly, “Jesus Christ.”

TJ carefully set down the supplies she was organizing, moving to sit on Rush’s bedside.

“That’s what overworking will do. I already told Eli you’re out for today, although I think he’ll want to talk to you eventually,” She replied, watching Rush with a gentle expression.

“I don’t need rest, Tamara. I can handle myself,” He pushed the bedsheets off, wondering vaguely when someone had tucked him in. He knew for a fact he’d gone to sleep on top of those. 

Rush swung his legs off the bed and stood, only lasting a second before he all but collapsed backwards. 

TJ caught him, somehow, and helped Rush lower himself back onto the mattress, “Yeah I don’t believe you for a second.”

Rush took in a shaky breath and nodded, “I don’t think I’d believe me either.”

Colonel Young was still out cold, thank god, as TJ reexamined Rush.

She pressed her hands against his neck, feeling the man’s pulse under her fingers. It was fast but steady, normal for someone running purely on nervous energy.

“You’re not any worse than last night,” TJ said, mostly to herself, “I’ll ask Chloe to grab you some food from the mess ok? You’ll need to eat to get your strength back.”

Rush’s stomach churned unpleasantly at the thought of food. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat, he’d just rather not (for normal reasons that would definitely make sense). He nodded anyway.

TJ radioed for Chloe, and Rush laid himself back against the pillows. He didn’t have his laptop with him, and he’d left his equation sheets on the table last night. He settled for curling his knees to his chest and staring blankly down at his hands.

TJ was caught up organizing pill bottles and other medicine across the room from him. He wasn’t sure exactly why she did it, but it seemed to keep her from fretting over him which was nice.

Rush laid his head down on his folded arms, sighing and letting the fight drain out of his system. 

He was still so high strung. Like he couldn’t relax for longer than a minute without needing to do something. 

There was the soft sound of the door controls opening, and Chloe entered. At least Rush assumed it was Chloe.

“TJ,” Rush didn’t look up when he heard her speak, “I brought the food you asked for. Is everything ok?”

He heard TJ sigh softly before a bowl of unappetizing white paste was placed on the table next to him.

“Yeah, thanks Chloe,” TJ sounded so tired lately. Like she’d given up.

“Are you sure?” He listened close as their conversation moved to a different part of the room, nearer to TJ’s office. Rush sat up and attempted to blink away the fuzziness in his vision. “I mean, I’m really not doing anything today if you need help. I heard about Dr. Rush..”

“It’s ok. Really. He’s fine,” TJ reassured her, “Not my most difficult patient if you can believe that.”

Chloe gave a small laugh, and Rush reached over to grab what hardly qualified as breakfast. He mixed his spoon around in the goop, tuning out Chloe and TJ unintentionally. 

It wasn’t until Chloe came and sat in one of the nearby chairs that he even noticed she was there.

“Dr. Rush?” She looked afraid. Almost. Rush couldn’t quite put a name to it, “I heard what happened.”

He waved her off, “It wasn’t that bad. Just tired, that's all.” 

Rush’s head pounded, and he did everything he could not to show it. The ache was so bad he felt like he was going insane.

Chloe gave him that same, sad smile that TJ kept giving him, “Alright. I finished the calculations you asked for yesterday.”

Rush didn’t respond, waiting for her to continue. He really liked Chloe, she was smart and kind. Everything he wasn’t, packaged up with a nice little bow. She reminded him of the daughter he’d never had

“They’re probably not right, I gave it my best shot though. I did them last night, when I couldn't sleep,” Chloe reached into her pocket and unfolded a piece of paper. She handed it over to him, and Rush inspected it.

Her handwriting was much easier to read than Eli’s which was nice, although she’d scribbled a lot of it out.

“How late were you up?” Rush asked. He strained to make out what the equations actually said. It was like whenever he was looking at words and numbers they got all swirly and mixed around.

“Not sure,” She admitted, “I’m still having those dreams. The ones about the aliens.” 

After the Nakai took them both, Chloe started having nightmares. She’d often join Rush in whatever room he’d cooped himself up in when she couldn’t sleep. He remembered those times fondly. Most of the time they’d do math, with Rush teaching her the stuff she didn’t understand, but sometimes they just sat in silence. The company was nice, even if they weren’t close.

He gave her a small nod, placing the equation sheet on the bed next to him. He picked up his paste again.

“I dunno how they call this food,” he muttered, squinting against the throbbing behind his eyes, “It’s disgusting.”

Chloe laughed and scooted closer to him, “It’s really not once you get used to it. You just have to get past the texture.”

Rush scowled, “I’m not eating this.”

TJ was across the room, but apparently her hearing was super human because she called back, “Yes you are!”

“Tamara this is absolute shit,” Rush argued, setting his bowl down on the bedside table. He’d rather starve than engage in whatever the fuck that was.

“You’re either eating that or I give it to you through a feeding tube,” She threatened. Rush knew she didn’t have the means to do that, nor would she, but he resigned to eat all the same.

He and Chloe engaged in idle chit-chat for a long while, with Chloe doing most of the talking. She informed him of all the Destiny Drama™, who was a couple, who was saying stuff about others. Rush found it all rather boring, but it gave him something to listen to as he worked.

Eli came by about 30 minutes into Chloe’s ramble, handing Rush his laptop and promptly booking it on the excuse “I don't work til 12”.

It was now almost 11, and Young was starting to stir in the chair next to him. Rush stopped typing up his report and watched him from the corner of his eye. Chloe did not notice, and if she did, she just continued on with her ramble.

“And then when Greer asked Park if she’d go out with him the second  time, she said-” 

“Chloe,” Colonel Young’s voice was hoarse with sleep, and Rush swore his insides did a somersault when he heard it. He quickly stifled his reaction under a cough.

Chloe stopped abruptly, her words dying mid sentence, “Colonel Young! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, I was just-” she was incredibly flustered, and if Rush was being honest he was too. For very normal co-worker reasons.

The Colonel waved her off, “no, it's ok. I didn’t realize how late it was.” He started to sit up, groaning quietly with how stiff he was. Obviously sleeping in a metal chair all night was not the most comfortable.

Rush cleared his throat, “Chloe? Could you take these instructions to Eli? He’ll know what they mean.” He handed her a ripped out piece of notebook paper with a detailed plan on repairing some circuitry that was malfunctioning. He’d been planning to have Eli do it later, but honestly his energy to continue listening to Chloe was draining quickly.

She gave him a small nod before taking the paper and leaving. TJ was off eating in the mess. Young and Rush were alone now. 

Rush went back to typing, or at least tried to. He paused, looking down at the keys and trying to force himself to read the letters. Black spots swam in his vision and the headache worsened. 

“You good over there, genius?” Young asked softly, just barely keeping himself from reaching out to place his hand on Rush’s leg.

Rush nodded wordlessly in response, shutting his eyes tightly. The absence of light lessened the pain, but the inability to see sent Rush’s anxiety through the roof.

The bed dipped next to him and a gentle hand settled on his back. Rush felt his hands be taken off the laptop and heard Young close the lid. He was breathing quickly. Too quick. Every bone in his body was screaming to get out . 

Young was saying something, probably kind words meant to soothe his troubles. Rush snapped his eyes open and took in a gasp. 

Young had one arm around him, and Rush was curled into his side. He pushed away, chest heaving as he fought off the panic.

“Rush?” Everything was a little hazy now. Like someone had put a filter over him, “hey, you’re ok..”

The scientist clasped a hand over his mouth, trying to use one of those stupid grounding methods Chloe had taught him. In his mind, the fog was rising, clouding his thoughts. All he could do was run. He needed to get out, get away. He didn’t want to drown. He never liked the water.

Chapter Text

Rush curled his legs up against his chest, his shoulders shaking as he tried to get in a full breath. He grasped weakly at the fabric of his shirt, tears threatening to fall and clouding his vision.

He had to get out. He couldn’t stay here. Alarm bells were sounding in his mind and all he could do was bury his head in his arms and pray. Hope that somehow, he’d find the strength to fight back

He had no idea what caused all this. One moment he was suffering through Chloe’s explanation and the next he was struggling to stay coherent. It was just as if all at once a wave of emotion just crashed into him, throwing him under. Holding him there, taking his oxygen, drowning him.

God he hated the water.

He could still see her face, the way her eyes were sunken in from sickness. He could smell the sterile air of the hospital. He could feel her in his arms, the way her head fell on his shoulder. He wasn’t there for her, not when he should’ve been. Rush knew that. It would never go away, the guilt. He resented who he’d become, who they raised him to be.

He heard his father. His anger forever haunting the house he’d grown up in. He remembered the water. He remembered the way it weighed on him, pulling him down even before he knew how to walk. Unrelenting as it tried to kill him.

“Rush,” Young held up his hands in surrender, which effectively made the scientist flinch away from him, “Rush we’re safe. It’s just me.”

Rush couldn’t make out most of the words coming from the Colonel’s mouth. He caught a few every now and then, but nothing was helping. His heart rate was rising and he wasn’t sure when he’d started crying but apparently he had. 

He felt like he was choking, gasping for air and never being able to take enough in. It was terrifying. Every second he imagined that someone, something, would grab him and just end his suffering. Shove his head down and never let him up.

get out get out get out get out get out get out get-

He picked his head up, and in one swift move threw the covers off himself. Then he was off like a shot, sprinting with everything he had out of the infirmary and down the halls. 

His pulse pounded in his ears and his vision was blurring. Whether from exhaustion or tears, he wasn’t sure. 

Hallways flew by in his peripheral. The lights of Destiny guiding him through the empty chambers. In the back of his mind, they reminded him of signs. Big arrows, pointing him towards the exit.

Were there arrows guiding her out? Ushering Gloria in the right direction when he couldn’t?

After running for what felt like an eternity, Rush stooped and steadied himself against the wall. The cool, metallic feel of it brought him out of his fight or flight. The hallway was deserted other than him, so he slid down the wall and sat, burying his face in his hands again.

His chest heaved as he took in air, still fighting that little bubble of panic in his chest. Out here felt less like home. He wasn’t suffocating in that hospital anymore, he couldn’t hear him.

Rush’s eyes darted around widely, scanning for danger. He focussed on breathing deeply, attempting to smother that awful feeling that continued to eat at him. He bit the inside of his cheek, wrapping his arms around himself. 

He wasn’t sure if anyone would come looking for him. Hell, he wasn’t even sure where he was, and he definitely didn’t want someone to come looking for him. Not when he was like this.

He didn’t want to be seen this way, fighting back the fear and losing horribly. Colonel Young had encroached on his space, he’d threatened him.

Rush didn’t want to be seen as a man who couldn’t take a threat.

The gentle hum of the FTL drive helped to calm his nerves, lulling him into a state of dissociation. He fixed his eyes on the wall in front of him, counting each exhale as it left his lungs. 

Rush dug his nails into the skin on his shoulder, using the pain as a grounding point. He’d done that as long as he could remember. Back home, when he was a child. The pain was calming, familiar.

He was so lost in thought, he didn’t hear the approaching footsteps. 

“Uhm,” Eli’s voice cut through his brooding, “Rush? You ok? You’re kinda…staring.”

Rush’s gaze snapped to where Eli stood. He didn’t respond for a moment, trying to bring his brain back to life and manage speaking English.

“Rush?” Eli hugged his laptop closer to his chest. He kneeled down in front of the scientist, waving a hand in front of his face.

The man responded by swatting his hand away, “‘m fine Eli. Cut that out.”

Eli frowned and nodded slowly, “Right, and that’s why you’re sitting on the floor?” he offered a hand out to Rush, who took it reluctantly.

Eli hauled him up, surprised at how light he was, “Jeez, do you even eat anything?”

“No. Why?” Rush pulled his hand back and brushed imaginary dirt off his pants.

“Of course,” Eli let out a dry laugh, sighing quietly, “silly me. But seriously, you look exhausted. Aren’t you supposed to be in the infirmary?”

Rush chose not to dignify that with a response, and instead rubbed his eyes. His headache was starting to go away, but all the running had used up most of his energy, “Did you do the repairs I asked for?”

“Not yet, I’m waiting for Brody to finish in the hydroponics lab so he can help me,” Eli replied, cracking his knuckles as he spoke. The sound made Rush want to claw his ears off, “Seems like more of a two person job y’know?”

“I suppose you’re right,” Rush leaned back against the wall, trying desperately to keep himself standing. The lack of food was catching up to him, and the room seemed to sway if he moved too quickly.

“Does Colonel Young know you’re out here? I mean, he seemed like he didn’t want you out and about while you were still…” Eli gestured vaguely “whatever you are.”

“The Colonel has no control over where I choose to roam,” Rush answered through gritted teeth, “Does that answer your question?”

“Honestly? It doesn’t,” Eli turned and started to wander off to wherever he’d been going before their little encounter, “Good luck with your thing!” he called back.

Rush rolled his eyes and straightened up. He turned in a small circle before deciding that he was in the crew quarters, and that the CI room would be the safest place to wait this whole thing out.

He took a deep breath to steel himself, and then set out.

Chapter Text

When Rush hit the door control panel and stepped into the CI room, he was greeted with the sounds of soft chatter. Volker stood at his console, head ducked and focussed on work. Park was leaned over her own station, and Brody stood next to her.

“Well if the repairs need to happen in these areas of the ship-” Park looked up, “oh, Dr. Rush! TJ said you were off duty.” she gave him that sad look, the same one Chloe always did. It was humiliating. He didn’t need help.

“Yeah well, I’m out on good behavior,” Rush replied. The lie came easy, like he wasn’t even trying. Park nodded wordlessly and went back to talking with Brody. Rush had always assumed Brody and Volker were an item, but at the end of the day it was none of his business.

He made his way over to an empty console, opening up a display of Destiny and taking a mental inventory of what areas of the ship needed to be checked on and repaired. His thoughts faltered as he attempted to read some digital notes Eli had taken. The letters warped and blurred, making it impossible to understand. 

“Mr. Brody, Eli said you were in the hydroponics lab,” Rush gave up on trying to comprehend Eli’s notes, “I believe he’s waiting on you for some repairs.”

Brody blinked at him for a moment, obviously caught off guard by the statement, “You ran into Eli? I haven’t seen him all morning. He never mentioned any repairs.”

“He does that alot,” Volker sighed, deciding to speak for the first time in an hour, “he’ll say he’s waiting on something so he doesn’t have to do the job you give him. I mean, it’s a smart move but also super lazy.” 

If Rush wasn’t so tired he would’ve found Eli and killed him.

Before he could respond with a lecture on why doing work was important, Brody’s radio went off.

“This is Colonel Young to the Science Team.”

Park grabbed the radio before Brody could, shooting him a shit eating grin, “Park to Young, what do you need?” she asked. Rush liked Dr. Park. She stayed in her own lane, but she really cared about everyone.

“If you see Rush, haul his ass back to the infirmary,” Young answered, and the bite in his words made Rush feel like spiders were crawling around inside him, “Young out.”

Park and Brody both looked to him at the same time, eyebrows furrowed in parallel expressions. 

“Dr. Rush?” Park looked skeptically at him, “Are you supposed to be out here?” 

Rush rolled his eyes and let out an exhausted huff. Of course Colonel Young would rat him out. God forbid he got any work done. He crossed his arms, “I’ll go wherever I bloody well want to, and if any of you have a problem with that you can fuck right off.”

Brody raised an eyebrow but decided against arguing with him. Rush was not one to back down from a fight, and he was half worried that if they engaged that their chief scientist might drain all his energy and pass out. 

Park however, seeming to have no fear of scrawny little scottish assholes, straightened up her posture, “You're supposed to be resting. I’m pretty sure TJ wouldn’t want you up and about. She put you on bedrest for a reason. We can handle this stuff.”

Rush leaned forward, challenging her, “Ms. Johansen does not get to choose where I go. I am a man of free will.”

Their stare off lasted for a good twenty seconds before Park gave up, grabbed the radio, and left the room.

Rush, satisfied that he won, relaxed his stance and went back to his console. He read through Eli’s annotations, making out some of the words but failing with most of them. The b’s and d’s were backwards, and all the vowels decided to switch places.

Brody and Volker exchanged perplexed looks, and then returned to their own note taking. Rush’s presence seemed to cast a shadow on the room, engulfing them all in darkness. 

The door control opened.

“Rush.” Well shit, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Colonel Young stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips. Rush thought dully that he looked like a disappointed parent.

“Working, is that alright with you?” His words were poison laced honey. The tension between them thickened with every passing second. Volker wondered if he could cut it with a knife and serve it on a platter.

“No, it’s not actually,” Young did a poor job at smothering his anger, “I don’t appreciate your outright insubordination.” he spat.

Rush shot a glance to the two others, who both had their heads bowed trying to pretend nothing was wrong, “Let’s take this outside shall we?”

He closed out the notes, and then followed Young as he left the CI room. They stood in the hallway for a moment, a long silence stretching between them.

“You’re outta line Rush,” Young stated, and the way he was fuming over such a small offense made Rush smile to himself.

“Colonel,” Rush bit back the harsher words he wanted to say, “Despite what you may think, you don’t own me. We’re equal. Y’can’t tell me where I can and can’t go.”

“I can do whatever I damn well please,” Young took a step towards him, and Rush had to fight the urge to back away. He hated when people got in his space, he hated even more that it made him afraid, “I run this ship, and you’re no use to me if you’re dead.”

“Didn’t think I was useful alive either,” Rush smirked, but he was breathless. His eyes darted quickly to his left, and then to his right. Young moved closer still, and this time Rush backed into the wall. There was no way out, at least not without looking like a coward.

Young got into his space, squaring his shoulders and making himself appear bigger, “Someone needs to shut you up. You’re getting awfully comfortable.”

“Right, and I suppose that’d be you?” Rush hated himself for even suggesting that. The idea made his insides twist and not in the good way. 

Young leaned in closer, lowering his voice until it was quiet enough that only Rush could hear him, “You’d like that huh? I bet you would-“

“Colonel Young?”

Young’s radio went off and he retreated. Rush let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He relaxed visibly.

The Colonel was called off by Greer. Some emergency on the bridge. Rush wasn’t sure he cared all that much.

He could still feel him, so close yet so far. It terrified him, just how far he could be pushed.

Chapter Text

Two days had passed since the encounter in the hallway. Rush had been cleared by TJ to start working again, and Colonel Young was staying out of his way. 

Rush decided he preferred it like that.

He’d spent enough time in college to know that all it took was one slip up for a man to think you were weak. One wrong comment, taking a step back too early, mentioning something “off limits” and suddenly they knew. They could tell. They could always tell.

It’s the way you walk, the way you act. It’s your mannerisms. We can just see it in your face. 

Rush self consciously tugged at his shirt, adjusting it to be baggier around his chest. It was a habit, a little thing he did all his life that never really went away. He bit the inside of his cheek and focused on the report he was reading over.

Eli filled out all the reports for the science team, which meant that they usually included obscure references and side notes. Rush had given up on editing them out. The kid had style, and even though he gave him a lot of shit, he did care about Eli.

“Dr. Rush?” Chloe knocked on the inner wall of the CI room. The door was wide open. He never understood the knocking-on-walls-when-the-door-is-open thing, but Chloe did it constantly so he got used to it after a while.

Rush hadn’t been expecting anyone to be awake, especially not with how late it was. Although when he looked up to meet Chloe’s eyes, he could see they were red and puffy. She sniffled. 

“Matt’s still asleep, I don’t-“ Her voice broke and she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her cardigan, “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Whatever he was about to say died on his tongue. She looked so fragile like this, he almost wanted to get up and hug her. He didn’t. Rush gave her a wordless nod and gestured to the seat next to him. 

After his near-fainting incident they moved a few stools in to sit on. It was much more comfortable he would admit.

Chloe sat down next to him, pulling one knee up to her chest and resting her head against it. This wasn’t the first time they’d done this. It was a usual occurrence for Chloe to have a nightmare, and Rush never slept anyway.

They settled into an easy silence, with Rush attempting to read through Eli’s report while Chloe hiccuped every few minutes next to him. 

Rush gave up on Eli’s writing after a while. The letters were too blurry for him to make out, and everything else was not registering in his brain. He turned to Chloe, “Did you tell Lieutenant Scott about your dreams?”

She shook her head. Her shoulders lurched as she let out a silent sob and a new wave of tears rolled down her face.

“Chloe,” She half wanted to punch him. He was looking at her so gently, with his eyebrows furrowed slightly and his mouth curved into a soft smile. It was making it increasingly hard to hate him, “what you went through, it’s something no living being should witness.” 

Rush hated giving speeches, but he continued nonetheless, “You didn’t deserve any of it. An’ you know that. Nobody blames you for what happened.”

She let out a wet laugh, wiping her eyes fruitlessly, “That’s easy for you to say. You were there. You saw what they did to me. To us. The others..” Chloe took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from crying mid sentence, “They don’t know what it’s like. They don’t get it, and they never will. They don’t believe me, I know they don’t.”

Against his better judgment, Rush reached out to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder, letting out a soft breath, “I understand. Trust me, I do. It was real Chloe, but we’re safe now.”

“We aren’t though,” She whispered, “You know it too. They’ll come back, Rush. They always do.”

~~~~~~~~~

Chloe went to bed around 3 that night, and while she didn’t have any more dreams, she still didn’t get a peaceful sleep. 

Rush on the other hand, didn’t sleep at all. Colonel Young awoke to find him in the CI room, exactly where he’d been before lights out. This of course, was not surprising in the least, but it was heavily irritating.

He let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his eyes. He wanted to invite Rush for breakfast, because god knows the man hadn’t eaten, but at the same time he was trying to keep his distance. He didn’t want to get too close again.

His stupidity won.

Young leaned his head into the open door of the CI room, “You planning on getting breakfast genius?” The nickname slipped before he could stop it.

Rush’s eyes snapped up to focus on him, and Young immediately wanted to recoil. The scientist's stare felt worse than that of a microscope, “Why?”

“Why?” Young parroted, “Rush, it’s food. You need it to live.” 

He squinted skeptically at the Colonel, “How d’ya know I haven’t already eaten?” he countered. Colonel Young nearly laughed at that.

“Because I know you,” Young smiled at him, and this time Rush was the one who wanted to recoil, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat.”

“Well you have and I did,” Rush went back to his notes, “G’day Colonel, I expect I’ll be seeing you later.” He waved Young off, too engrossed in work to actually take care of himself.

Young rolled his eyes, but left anyway. He didn’t have the energy to fight this morning. Plus, Rush would probably just collapse if they did fight.

Becker was serving up disgusting white paste for breakfast again (delicious) and Young grabbed two bowls. He sat one in front of him, and ate the first one. Camille sat next to him, humming to herself.

“Busy day Colonel?” She asked, nodding at the second serving. He shook his head and swallowed back the goop.

“It’s for Rush,” He replied, and seconds later realized how that sounded. He backtracked, “He asked me, I came by and-“

Camille cut him off by snorting, and he was moments away from shooting himself in the middle of breakfast. She took in a deep breath and smothered the last of her snickers before giving him a knowing smile.

“That’s really generous of you.”

“Shut up Camille.”

Chapter Text

“I brought food,” Rush’s head popped up when the Colonel spoke. He raised one eyebrow skeptically as Young set the bowl of almost-porridge on the space next to his console.

“What’s this?” Rush made no move to pick up his spoon. His head was spinning from how often Colonel Young was switching up his demeanor. One moment he had Rush nearly pinned against a wall while he practically growled out his orders, and the next he was bringing him breakfast.

He wondered if this was one of those weird human things, where they said one thing and then meant another. He shifted in his seat.

“It’s food, genius,” Young settled into Chloe’s stool from the night before, “You eat it.” 

Rush shot him an aggravated look and lifted the offending dish with two hands to examine it, “Don’t patronize me.” 

“Hey, you asked,” Young chuckled softly, putting up his hands in surrender. The sound seemed to reverberate in Rush’s mind for much longer than strictly necessary, “I didn’t drug it if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

Wouldn’t have been the first time that happened to him.

“‘m not afraid,” He stirred the spoon around lazily, apparently having no intention of eating. He furrowed his brow.

He didn’t want to be afraid. Rush decided long ago that he didn’t deserve to be afraid, after everything he’d done, everything he’d been through, he didn’t need to be afraid of his breakfast.

Rush took a hesitant bite, and immediately wanted to gag it up. The texture made his skin crawl, and he covered his hand with his mouth. His body fought him as he attempted to swallow. 

“Something wrong, Rush?” Young watched him lurch, frowning. He’d never known the man to get “space-sick” (Eli’s delightful nickname for when people threw up).

He nodded and set the spoon down, “Mhm.”

Rush continued making notes on Destiny’s design and needed repairs while his bowl of nope-meal (another Eli name) sat untouched. Young struggled to kill the little seed of worry planted in his mind.

He’d tried not to care about other people all his life. As a kid he often got in trouble for trying to save the bugs that his brothers killed. In the military, you had to remember you couldn’t save everyone. Young liked to think that you still had to try.

Rush never saved anyone but himself. He operated under the assumption that the greater good mattered more than any one person. His father beat that into him as a child, reminding him that sacrifices were inevitable.

Gloria was a sacrifice

Chloe’s knock on the wall made Rush look up, and while she didn’t notice how he flinched at the noise, Young did. He chose not to say anything.

“Dr. Rush? Eli and I finished our repairs in the upper hallways,” She eyed the Colonel suspiciously, “Volker and Brody are still doing the ones on the lower level, but they should be almost done.”

“Wonderful,” Rush sounded anything but enthusiastic. He didn’t have the mental energy to express anything right now.

“Thank you Chloe,” Colonel Young gave her a gentle smile. She softened slightly, the edges of her lips curling upwards.

“Of course.”

~~~~~~~~~

Rush kneeled down next to Brody in front of a panel of wires. He bit the inside of his cheek and took a mental image of the chaos.

“Volker and I tried but…this ship is too complicated,” He muttered.

Colonel Young, who apparently had nothing better to do, moved to crouch beside Rush, “Can I look?”

Rush scoffed, “I doubt your experience in car maintenance can fix an ancient spacecraft.” But he moved anyway.

He watched over Young’s shoulder as the man dug around through the mess of cords and cables. Briefly he found himself staring at Young’s fingers. A shudder ran through him.

The Colonel pulled out two unattached wires. They were both live, and the only reason Rush didn’t stop him from rooting around in the walls was because he hoped he might get electrocuted.

He held out his hand for tape, which Volker scrambled around to find and then passed over. He pressed the two wires together and then secured them. The lights around them came to life.

Brody nearly dropped his flashlight, “But- we-“

Young patted his shoulder and stood, cracking his back, “It’s ok, I’ve worked on a lot of aircrafts, usually it’s about not overthinking it.”

Rush, still on his knees, looked up at him. His breath caught in his throat and he really wished he could stay like this forever. Young could do repairs. Maybe he wasn’t so useless after all. 

“You ok Rush?” Volker tapped his shoulder and he flinched.

“Hm? Yes. Of course, never better-“ Rush shakily got to his feet, disregarding how Young offered a hand out to him, “now if you’ll excuse me I have…other things to work on.”

He avoided Young’s eyes with everything he had, mumbling curses under his breath as he promptly left the room. Laptop under his arm, he used his free hand to run it through his hair.

He took the only operational elevator upstairs, pressing the outer button six times before the doors opened. He stepped inside and as the doors began to close, saw Colonel Young jogging closer.

“Hold the door, Rush!” 

“Dear god, kill me,” Rush stuck a hand out to stop the automatic closing sequence. He took a shaky breath in and waited for the Colonel to catch up and step in next to him before he pressed the button for Level 2.

The silence that stretched between them was laced with Rush’s growing discomfort.

Young was standing so close to him, with his arm just barely touching Rush’s. He felt all jittery, like he was about to throw up. The scientist kept his eyes trained firmly on the floor.

It was a huge relief when they stepped out into the crew quarters, and Rush all but sprinted back to his own room. His heart hammered in his ears and his face flushed with realization.

He was absolutely fucked.

Young watched as he ran off, chuckling to himself, “That guy is a lot of work.”

Chapter Text

Rush sat on his bed with the lights off. He curled up with his knees against his chest, taking in shaky breaths.

He was so incredibly fucked. Colonel Young, not only was his superior, but also left him to die and here he was wishing he’d make good on his promise to shut Rush up. Dear god this was going to be a problem.

They worked together. They spent most of the day in close proximity, how was he going to get around this? He let out a heavy sigh and bit the inside of his cheek. Plus, it wasn’t like Young would even like a man, and certainly not a man like Rush.

You hardly count as a man anyway.

Rush dug his fingernails into his palms, trying to brush away the thought before it bore into his mind. That was a long time ago, people didn’t know about it now.

He was going to keep it that way. 

Back home, everyone knew. Hell, he couldn’t very well stop people from knowing. Not when his mother cried for him, and not after his father kicked him out. In college, people could tell. They figured him out easily. They saw him as lesser, not a real man. He carried that with him forever.

Young couldn’t know. If he found out he would never look at Rush the same again. He wouldn’t respect him, he’d see him as weak. Maybe he’d even think he was pretending. Trying too hard to be something he wasn’t.

Rush rubbed his eyes, willing away the tears. Men didn’t cry, that’s what he’d been told. Men don’t cry, they take it. 

His memories twisted back to those of school. Behind the buildings, the older boys grabbing him by his hair, forcing him down-

A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts.

“Come in,” Rush dropped his knees and ran a hand through his hair. The door control made a small whooshing noise and opened. Greer stood in the hallway. 

He had one hand on his gun, and Rush was half afraid he was going to be shot for something. He didn’t flinch though. Don’t show weakness.

“Hey doc,” He was so easy about everything, it made Rush sick to his stomach, “I was gonna grab a drink, you wanna come with?”

“Why?” Rush didn’t trust anyone. He liked Greer, respected him even, but there was no way he was being serious.

“I need a drinking buddy,” Greer gave him a small smile, “You coming or not?”

Rush reluctantly stood, adjusting his shirt and closing the door behind him. His whole body radiated with nervous energy, and Greer noticed.

“Somethin’ wrong Doc?” he asked, leading the way to a room Brody had turned into a makeshift bar.

“No.” 

Greer waited for Rush to elaborate, but the explanation never came. He decided to leave it alone.

“How’s Dr. Perry?” Greer turned a corner, and Rush found himself scrambling to keep up. He frowned at the question.

“Fine? Why d’ya ask?” Rush really had none of those intentions with Amanda. She was a good friend and that was all.

“Just seemed like you two were..” Greer trailed off and looked down at him, “are you not? Y’know, together?”

“God no-“ Rush almost laughed at that, “no she’s just, she’s a colleague.”

“Oh, right,” Greer chuckled to himself, “in the way that Volker and Brody are colleagues?” he teased. He liked Rush. Even after all that had happened, he really thought that he had the greater good in mind.

Rush furrowed his brow, running what felt like 17 tabs in his mind while he tried to process what that meant, “I- no? She’s someone I work with. We’re not sleeping together if that’s what you’re asking.”

Greer hit the door controls for the bar room. There was a good amount of people inside, most of them sitting at tables and playing cards or talking. Rush and Greer picked a table close to the back of the room. 

“I can tell you’re not sleeping with anyone,” Greer joked, and Rush scoffed, “cmon, you’re the grumpiest guy on this ship, I think you need the either loosen up or find someone who’ll get rid of some of that mess you’ve got going on.”

Rush rolled his eyes and tried not to think about Colonel Young helping him with “that mess”. Would he be gentle? Would he want to tear him apart? Rush decided he liked the second option better.

“What’re you into?” Greer asked, leaning in closer, “Lemme help you get laid Doc, it’ll be better for everyone if you blow off some steam.”

“No. Absolutely not,” Rush shook his head and fixed his eyes on the table in front of him, “you're not my wingman.”

Greer ignored his statement, “You like ‘em younger? Older? Short girls, tall girls?”

Rush gave an exasperated sigh and rubbed his eyes, “I lean more towards the male crowd if you truly want to know.”

He didn’t look up. In all honesty he expected Greer to walk away. To storm off and tell every military personnel in the area. 

He didn’t.

“You’re gay? Since when?” There was no judgment in his tone, but he sounded genuinely surprised. Rush assumed he knew already.

“Forever? I dunno,” He finally met the Sergeant’s eyes, “Wasn’t much of a secret.”

“You married a woman though,” Greer pointed out, raising one eyebrow at him.

“I dabble.”

“Alright, so that’s news,” He laughed quietly and shook his head, “let’s see. Colonel Young isn’t married anymore.”

Rush’s heart stopped for a sickening moment and he froze, “What about him?” he asked, trying to maintain his cool. It wasn’t working very well.

“What I’m saying is that he’s kind of the only other free man on this ship, unless you want Eli,” Greer nodded to where Eli sat, explaining the convoluted lore of a movie series he liked.

“I’d rather die,” Rush replied, crossing his arms and shifting his gaze to be on a nearby wall, “Colonel Young and I have no chemistry and even if we did, I would never go for that.”

“Suit yourself.”

Chapter Text

Greer hummed and hit his palms against the table, “I’m gonna grab a drink. Don’t leave Doc.”

Rush rolled his eyes and watched as Greer stood. He kept his arms crossed and relaxed once the Sergeant had left. 

The doors opened again and Rush looked over. Colonel Young had his hands in his pockets as he walked into the bar. Rush’s stomach was in his throat, and he quickly averted his gaze. It was too late though, Young had already spotted him and was making his way over.

“Dr. Rush,” He sat down in a seat across from him, resting his elbows on the table, “Drinking all by yourself?”

Rush let out a shaky sigh and steeled his nerves, “No actually. Sergeant Greer asked me to accompany him.” 

“Did he really?” Young had that stupid smile on his face, and Rush wanted to punch him to wipe it off.

“Yes,” Rush gritted his teeth and tried not to think about how Young’s fingers looked, curled into a fist. He tried to ignore the way he licked his lips, “He did.”

Young made a noncommittal sound and let his posture relax, being the complete opposite of Rush who was tensed so much he was hardly breathing. 

They didn’t speak for a while. Rush chewed on the inside of his cheek and briefly wished that there was something else in his mouth. He cleared that thought from his mind quickly as Greer came back over, two cups in his hands.

“Colonel,” the Sergeant passed Rush his drink and settled in next to Young who gave him a nod. The silence stretched on uncomfortably until Rush cleared his throat.

“You planning on getting a drink Colonel?” he asked, taking a quick swig of Brody’s disgusting alcohol. He coughed harshly, wiping his mouth. Young laughed and Rush had to stop himself from strangling him.

“Maybe, I haven’t decided,” Young kept staring at him, and Rush shifted in his seat. It was anxiety inducing, the way he watched him.

“I’ve never known you to be indecisive,” Rush was going for an easy and casual tone, but instead it came off forced and nervous.

Colonel Young raised his eyebrows skeptically, “Well here I was remembering you calling me an equivocating bastard.” he teased, grinning at Rush.

Rush snorted and lifted his drink, knocking back the rest of his drink. His head swam and he felt his fear beginning to melt away, Greer seemed to notice that too.

“Well, looks like you two are bonding,” Greer stood and patted Young’s shoulder, “I won’t be back.” He promised, walking off to god knows where.

“When did I say that?” Rush found that he didn’t even care that Greer left. Talking to Young was proving to be easier than expected.

“Three days ago!” Young laughed and Rush decided that kissing him would be a better way to shut him up.

“I would never give you the dignity of that,” he rolled his eyes, “you’re more of a sniveling rat.”

“If anyone’s a rat it’s you,” Young shook his head, still sporting that stupid smile, “You lie all the time.”

“I do not,” Rush’s accent thickened as the liquor got to him. He wasn’t a lightweight, but his mannerisms flowed more smoothly after a drink or two.

“You’re lying right now!” Colonel Young could watch Rush all day. The way he moved, how he sounded. It made him feel sick to his stomach, like it was poisoning him. Yet, he still craved more.

Rush mumbled out some unintelligible shit but Young was just watching him. He would never get over it, he would never get over that stupid little math professor and how much he wanted to fuck him.

He’d obviously thought about it before. He’d thought about how Rush might sound, the way he’d squirm. He seemed like a biter. Young wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

He imagined jerking him off, gently petting Rush’s hair as he whined. He probably would put up a fight, saying that he wasn’t weak. Sometimes Young wanted to tear him open, but mostly he just wanted to be gentle with him. Lay him back on the bed, take his time. Something he’d never really gotten with Emily.

He cleared his throat and expelled the thought from his head.

Rush was looking down at his own hands, picking at the skin around his cuticles. Young swatted at his bleeding nail beds, “Stop that. It’s not good for you.”

Rush crinkled his nose but didn’t look up, “I’m sure you care a lot about that don’t you?” Young could tell he was trying to sound joking, but it came off bitter. Rush had never been good at tone control.

“Yeah actually,” The admission made Young’s chest tighten. He did care. He’d watch Rush get beaten down time and time again, it was about time someone started caring, “I do.”

Rush swallowed thickly. Fuck. He didn’t need to be cared about. He didn’t want anyone to care because he would rather die than know that he mattered to someone. 

“Right.” 

The word was harsher than he wanted it to be, but he decided that if he could backtrack, make Young hate him, he’d be safer.

“I mean it, Rush,” Young didn’t retreat though, “Really. We need you out there.”

Rush sat back, running a shaky hand through his hair. He needed to get out. Right now. He couldn’t do that again, he couldn’t let her down, he couldn’t-

“Save it for Eli, I’m not interested in your speeches Colonel,” He stood, nearly knocking over his cup with how fast it happened.

It was noisy enough that no one heard their interaction, but a few people saw as Rush left the room, and even more noticed how the Colonel followed him moments after.

“Rush!” Colonel Young let the door close behind him before he started yelling, “Come back!”

The scientist’s mind was telling him not to turn around, to run until he’d reached his quarters and never come back out. He’d never been good at listening to his own reasoning. 

He stopped in his tracks, about 30 feet away from Young.

“Listen, Rush-“ Young was floundering. He wanted to tell him how he felt, what was going on, but he couldn't. He couldn’t ruin their already horrific relationship, “I didn’t mean- I don’t-“

“I said I’m not interested in your speeches,” Rush spat, still refusing to turn. He couldn’t hurt someone again, not after what he’d done to Gloria. She didn’t deserve that. 

“It’s not a speech, Rush. I’m trying to apologize,” Young made the first move towards him, taking slow and calculated steps. He placed a hand on Rush’s shoulder, ignoring how he flinched, and spun him around so they were merely inches apart.

His breath caught in his throat as he stared at him. Rush was an oil filled sea. The way the sun hit him made the hues in the inky darkness turn all sorts of colors, making his rotting organs worth it if he could just get one more sip.

Rush wanted to grab him by the shirt collar and kiss him senseless, but at the same time his whole body ached with the need to run, “I don’t want your apologies either.”

“Oh yeah?” Young tugged him closer by his hips, and the man’s eyes widened as they were flush against each other. He brought his hand up and cupped Rush’s face gently. Rush dug his fingernails into Young’s biceps in return, “You sure?”

“Couldn’t hurt to try,” his voice was airy, like he wasn’t entirely there but that didn’t matter once Young’s lips were on his, effectively proving both of their theories that kissing would shut the other up. 

Rush kept trying to pull himself closer, even once they were already touching. He wouldn’t be content until he was living inside Young’s skin, and if anyone ever knew that he would shoot them and then himself.

Young pulled back enough to breathe, “You ok genius?”

“Shut up and kiss me again.”

And who was he to deny such a request?

Chapter Text

Kissing Rush was all teeth and bite. It was rough and heated and Young liked that. 

He moved his hand from Rush’s face to run through his hair, pulling on the strands gently. Rush let out a noise half way between a groan and a whine in response.

Young smiled against his lips, tugging harder. Rush obviously couldn’t help the way his balance faltered when he did that.

He didn’t think he’d have anyone after Emily. TJ was a mistake, a fling. Rush was out of his reach, a horizon he’d never be able to grasp. Yet, here he was.

Both of them lurched as the ship came out of FTL. The motion always made Young a bit nauseous, but he steadied himself easily. He pulled away, trying to catch his breath.

Rush had a weird look of terror and glee on his face, like he was about to throw up but he was also happier than he’d ever been, “Colonel-“

Young’s radio went off.

“Colonel Young?” Eli always sounded hesitant, Young wondered if it was something he was born with or not, “We dropped out near a planet. Readings say it’s got clean air and water, Brody finished fixing the shuttle a few days ago if we wanna go down there.”

The Colonel sighed and the corners of Rush’s mouth twitched upwards, “Is there no gate?”

“Not that we can access, no,” Eli responded, “Could you come down to the control room? And find Rush while you’re at it, I think he’s avoiding me.”

Young shot Rush a look, and the other just shrugged, “‘m not avoiding him. I just don’t like him.” he still sounded breathless, his chest heaving as he came down from his high.

“Liar,” Young pressed the button on his walkie, “I’ll be down in 5, over and out.”

Rush let out a huff and tried to pull Young back in for a kiss. He pushed the man away with very little effort, “Easy. Back up, genius.”

“Why?” Being able to be that close to someone was addictive to Rush. After years of solitude, denying himself the connection he craved, isolating himself, it was a welcome feeling.

“We gotta head down to the control room,” Young kissed him swiftly, and he did it smoothly enough that Rush didn’t have time to trap him, “Man you’re clingy.” he laughed quietly, starting the walk to the CI room.

Rush froze for a moment, attempting to rewire his thoughts and move again. He hurried to catch up to the Colonel, “I’m not clingy, I’m just- I’m surprised.”

“Oh yeah?” Young took long strides, as opposed to Rush’s short, quick steps, “why’s that?”

“Why’s that?? You just fucking kissed me in the middle of the hallway and you’re asking why I’m surprised?” Rush scoffed and shook his head, “Colonel you’re married.”

“Divorced actually,” Young corrected. He flashed Rush a shit eating grin, “Nice try genius.”

Rush wanted to punch him again. Or maybe kiss him. He couldn’t decide.

Colonel Young hit the door controls on the CI room, and walked inside, Rush in tow.

“Oh sweet you brought Rush. How the hell’d you find him?” Eli looked up from his work. He was obviously teasing, but Rush felt the truth behind his words.

He was always working, off somewhere when he could’ve been helping. It’s what killed Gloria and if he wasn’t careful it could kill the crew too. He stiffened his posture.

“What’re we working with here Eli?” Young was back in serious mode, and he leaned over to examine Eli’s notes on the planet. 

“It’s a terrain planet, Earth adjacent, probably a lot like that one where we left half the crew,” Eli replied, pulling up a photo of said planet. It had a good amount of water they could harvest, although Rush would rather die than get caught in it, “I say, send a search party of 5 or 6 people. It won’t need that many and we’re out of FTL for 96 hours.”

Rush glanced up at the clock above them. Sure enough, Destiny counted down from 4 days' time. He was constantly impressed by how much Eli actually knew.

Young nodded, “Ok so Rush, Greer, James, Brody, and I will go down and search the planet for food and water. Scott will run military duties while i’m gone and Eli, you’ll run the science team.”

“What? Me-“ Eli’s head snapped up from whatever he’d been doing, “No- no I can’t, have Park- or Volker- I-“

“Oh cmon MathBoy you’ll be fine,” Rush rolled his eyes, “You’ve done it before.”

“Yeah, once. I did it one time, when someone decided to almost die in a rock slide,” Eli threw his hands up in defeat, “and I think we all remember how well that went. Chloe got kidnapped, you came back from the dead-“

“Hey,” Young put a hand on his shoulder, “Relax kid, you’re gonna be fine. It’s not as high stakes.”

Eli still scowled at him, “Fine. But I won't enjoy it.” He warned, and Rush decided he couldn’t care less what Eli enjoyed as long as it got done.

“I never asked you to,” Young glanced at Rush out of the corner of his eye. Dear god, he wanted to kiss him again, “Eli, have Brody get the shuttle up and running within the hour. I’ll debrief all mission personnel in 45 minutes.” 

The Colonel pushed himself away from the console, and made his way out of the room. Not before Rush could follow him of course, using the excuse that he had “business to finish”.

The “business” in question was getting shoved up against the wall in Young’s quarters, his hands pinned above his head.

“You like that pretty boy?” Young kissed down his neck, and Rush’s breathing sped up. He could feel the man’s pulse from the way he held his wrists.

“‘m not pretty,” Rush muttered, gritting his teeth as Young sucked a hickey on his collar bone, “Don’t fucking mark me. I don’t belong to you.”

“Yeah?” Young rubbed his free hand over the forming red spot, “I think it looks good on you. Smart guy, all flushed and dirty in my room.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Chapter Text

The shuttle was fixed up and ready to go by the time Young had finished his debrief, and Rush was aching with his need to see the alien planet.

He picked the skin off around his cuticles and settled into the passenger seat. Young sat in the pilot's chair and swatted at Rush’s hand, “stop that.”

Rush rolled his eyes and huffed. He didn’t respond, just leaning forward to consult his notes. He hated that Young cared about him. It made him sick.

Vanessa James clipped herself into her seatbelt. She took in a shaky breath to steal her nerves and then let it out slowly.

She’d never been partial to air travel, after what happened on the plane all those years ago..

She’d rather not think about it.

“Dr. Rush, are we sure it’s safe down there?” James asked, and Rush’s gaze snapped to her so abruptly that she lost her train of thought, “I mean- is there other life? How can we be sure we won’t get stranded?”

Everything that Rush wanted to say circled around in his brain, but nothing came out. He stared at her, blank faced and struggling for words.

He knew there was no hostile life on the planet because the scans had shown nothing, he knew they wouldn’t get stranded because Destiny wouldn’t move fast enough away from them to do that.

“Well the scans we took didn’t show any life forms,” Brody supplied helpfully, “and based on Destiny’s current speed, they’ll still be within reach. Right Rush?”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Rush focused his attention on the switchboard in front of him. It was so stupid. He’d spent his whole life trying to figure out how real people communicated but he still wasn’t good enough.

Pathetic.

Greer hauled in the last of the supplies before taking his own seat. He strapped in with little difficulty, and James found herself envying how easy his life was. Greer had everything in her eyes, respect, a relationship, and friends. All she had was an empty bed and an even emptier heart.

“Everyone ready back there?” Young called, and was returned with a chorus of ‘yes’s and a few ‘yeah’s. Rush set his jaw and stared down at his bleeding nails, “Rush?”

“Hm? Yeah, go ahead,” Rush hated flying. He hated the military and most of all he hated fighter jets. The accidents they caused were never worth it.

“This is Young to Destiny, releasing docking clamps now,” A hiss followed his words as the shuttle disengaged from the ship.

“Mathboy to Eagle, you’re set to depart,” Eli responded, and Young sighed.

“Eli, we never agreed on that,” Young sounded like an exhausted parent, and that led Rush to thinking about how badly he wanted to have his children. It a non homosexual way though.

“Yes we did. I said, code names? and you said No. which is code for yes.”

“I give up with you.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Be careful of turbulence when you go to touch down on the planet,” Eli warned, “it looks like they’re gonna be pretty rough.”

Rush chewed the inside of his cheek, his stomach tying itself in knots, “Thank you Eli. We’ve got it from here.”

Young fired up the thrusters, and James nearly keeled over from anxiety. Instead, she clenched her hands into fists and attempted to breathe through it.

Greer struck up a conversation with Brody, something about the planet that Rush didn’t really care about.

He watched Young’s fingers as they glided over the controls. They were the perfect size, thick but not so much so that it would hurt. He readjusted his shirt to be more baggy in the front.

Rush was still reeling over the kiss. The fact that Young liked him, that was intoxicating. He was terrified though, if Young knew he wasn’t what he thought. If he found out that there was something wrong with him.

He sighed and looked out the window.

Space was beautiful. He’d always known that. He could remember those nights on the hill, laying with his brother and looking at the stars. That was before he passed. Before his father started hitting him. Before his mother started to drink.

“The movies got it wrong y’know,” Rush said, and Young perked up from what he was doing, “Space is so much prettier than they make it out to be.”

“Is it?” Young asked, “it looks pretty empty.”

“It’s not though, there’s so much happening at any given moment-“ Rush grinned, “We could be the only humans to ever be this far out here.”

The planet was growing larger in the windows, and Young hit a few buttons to switch his thruster control, “Grab onto something, it’s gonna get bumpy.”

Rush gripped the armrests of his seat as  turbulence threw the ship. He closed his eyes, his breathing coming out in short bursts. He hated flying.

They hit the surface of the planet with a jolt, and he vaguely heard James throw up behind him. Rush prayed she had a bag with her.

The ship skidded along the ground before coming to a stop. Granted, it was a giant boulder that stopped them but it was the thought that counted.

Young let out a relieved sigh and turned back to the other crew members, “You guys ok back there? Sorry for the rough landing.”

He pressed the radio button on the console. It lit up, and then died. Young pressed it again and had the same result.

“Well shit,” Young scrubbed a hand down his face, “Anyone got a working radio?”

A few tried their walkies, to no avail.

“We’re too far out of range for the handhelds to reach,” Brody mumbled, unclipping his restraints, “We should check out the planet and set up camp. It’s getting dark.”

Sure enough, when Rush peered out the window he saw the nearby star setting in the distance. He sighed.

“Mr. Brody’s right,” Rush stood up, narrowly missing hitting his head, “Sergeant Greer, you and Lieutenant James take the supplies out and set up a sleeping area, Mr. Brody and I will search the surrounding trees for edible plants.”

Young opened his mouth to fight Rush, but then decided it wasn’t worth it. He would’ve given them the same orders anyway.

No one moved.

“Well c'mon what are you waiting for?” The Colonel stood as well, and finally people started moving. Brody grabbed his bag and some water testing equipment.

Rush was the first person out of the ship. He stumbled slightly and ended up collapsing onto the ground. The grass beneath him was a welcome feeling though.

The whole ground was covered in what looked like purple blades of grass. They blew in the wind, and it reminded Young of Wyoming and what he left behind.

The mountains that surrounded them were deep shades of blue and red, probably due to the minerals found here. It was beautiful.

“You were right genius,” Young smiled and stood next to him.

“Of course I was,” Rush sat back on his knees, “about what?”

“Space is beautiful.”

Chapter Text

“Water’s safe to drink,” Brody was crouched over the small lake they’d found, testing it for purity, “no microorganisms.”

“Thank god for that,” Young leaned back against a tree, scrubbing a hand down his face, “Our water ration wouldn’t last that long.”

Rush was foraging around in some nearby bushes, weeding through the grass like a fucked up little rat. Young thought that he did sort of look like a rodent. In an attractive way though.

Greer and James had finished setting up camp. Three tents were pitched. Greer and James would share one, Brody would keep all the science equipment in his, and Rush and Young would share the third.

When this plan was originally proposed, James was certain it would never work. One of them would end up either dead, or in severe need of medical help if they did that. Young and Rush argued that neither of them would sleep anyway. Greer decided that he didn’t care what happened as long as no one got left on another planet.

“Find anything genius?” Young called over to him. Brody noticed the nickname, and smiled to himself. He owed Volker half his rations now.

“Just some berries, not sure if they’re poisonous or not,” Rush folded up the handkerchief he was using to carry the fruit and stood, “Most everything else is just grass. Violet grass mind you.”

Young frowned, “Radioactive?”

“What? No,” Rush crinkled his nose and scoffed, “Jesus, it just might not be safe to eat. Radioactivity is green, idiot.”

“Whatever you say,” The Colonel rolled his eyes but he didn’t stop smiling. He was so head over heels for this man it made him look stupid, “Brody, think you can gather up the water on your own?”

“I think at this point we drink what we have and fill up when we run low,” Brody sat back. He was really just avoiding filling up all the water canteens.

“Good point,” Young’s train of thought kept getting derailed as he watched Rush pick more berries. Dear god he was losing it.

Brody looked between the two of them, and sensing that something was up, cleared his throat, “Should I work on the shuttle repairs?”

Rush waved him off, “Colonel Young and I’ve got it covered. I’m sure Greer could use help setting up if you’d be partial to that, Mr. Brody.”

Brody wasted no time getting his ass out of there. The tension between Rush and Young was thick, and definitely not something he wanted to be in the middle of.

Young crouched beside Rush, “You having fun genius?”

“Fuck off,” Rush picked another berry off the bush, hardly noticing when the thorns scratched him. He placed it in his handkerchief, “this is a scientific research trip. Not a vacation.”

“Right. So you’re definitely not nerding out over the minerals here?” Young teased, which earned him an elbow to the ribs, “holy shit.” Rush was secretly strong. Who could’ve guessed?

“I’m not nerding out. I’m studying. Big difference,” Rush corrected him, and offered a berry to Young. The latter took it and immediately ate it, “goddamnit-“

“What?” Young chuckled as Rush’s face went pale. This guy worried too much.

“That could’ve been poison,” Rush pressed the heel of his hand into his eye socket, attempting to lessen his headache, “Idiot.”

“You keep calling me that,” Young pointed out, “It’s not a very nice name.”

“Well I don’t like you,” Rush stood up again, “Don’t get yourself thinking that I do, ok? We’re not friends.”

“Oh we’re more than friends at this point, genius,” he teased, enjoying how Rush’s face flushed a deep red.

“Shut up. I don’t even like you.”

Young knew that wasn’t true at all. If Rush didn’t like him he would’ve framed him for murder a second time. If Rush didn’t like him he would’ve conspired to throw him out of an airlock.

“You do,” Young shot back.

“Even if I did, this can’t keep happening,” Rush’s chest rose and fell quickly as he fought off the growing anxiety, “Someone is going to find out.”

Young pushed himself off the ground, grabbing Rush by his shirt collar. They were far enough into the forest that no one saw, but Rush still panicked.

“Rush,” Young placed a hand on his arm to steady him, “breathe. If someone finds out, we’ll be ok. For now, nobody knows. It’s ok.”

Rush nodded, but his hands were still shaky. Young let go of him, and half expected him to bolt in another direction.

He stayed.

“Right, yeah,” Rush bit the inside of his cheek, “I should- we need to- it can’t wait for much longer-“ he was still frantic, speaking so fast that his sentences tumbled into each other.

“Genius,” Rush stopped talking and looked up at him, “Start over, use all the words. You’ve got time.”

He nodded again, avoiding Young’s eyes with everything he had, “We need to fix the shuttle. We can’t wait much longer in case we need Brody to make new parts.”

“Alright, so where do we start?” Rush hated how Young was being so gentle. Talking to him like a wounded animal. He wasn’t wounded. He wasn’t broken. He grew up in a house that nearly killed him, this wouldn’t be his breaking point.

“I dunno, I haven’t taken a close enough look yet,” Rush admitted, and Young started making his way out of the forest, “what’re you doing?”

“Going to the shuttle, why?” 

Rush was now faced with a dilemma. What he really wanted was for Young to bend him over in this alien forest and fuck him, but if he could wait until everyone settled down for sleep, that would probably be more enjoyable.

“Nevermind,” He followed Young, stealing his nerves with a deep breath. They’d be alone in the shuttle.

The sun was half way set by the time Young hit the door controls on the shuttle, and while he was under the impression that they were just fixing it up, the moment those doors closed again, Rush tackled him.

He kissed him eagerly, and Young pushed back with just as much force. He tangled his fingers in Rush’s hair, pulling on it gently. 

He wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but somehow he got Rush sitting in the passenger seat, and kneeled between his legs.

Young would never admit that maybe part of him liked to be down here. He’d spent his whole life being in charge of everything and sometimes he just needed a break.

Rush would be the first to admit that Young looked hot on his knees

Chapter Text

“You ok, genius?” Young ran a hand over his thigh and Rush half wanted to tackle him again. He didn’t need anyone to be gentle with him.

“Yeah, yeah I'm good,” Rush swallowed back all of his anxious rambling. Young would find out sooner or later.

He smiled softly, and Rush’s stomach twisted itself in knots. They weren’t lovers. They were just fucking around. Young knew that. He knew what a shitty person Rush was and he still smiled at him.

Young kissed him once on the lips before starting to unzip his jeans. Rush’s whole body was on fire and he looked away. 

“Lift your hips for me,” Young murmured, and Rush obliged. His pants were slipped off and tossed onto the floor. Thank god the shuttle door locked from the inside, “good boy.”

The Colonel left a few pecks on his thighs. Rush really wished he’d just bite him already, make him bleed. He settled for looking up at the ceiling and trying to breathe through the mounting panic.

Young palmed him through his boxers. He noticed vaguely that there wasn’t much of anything that he could feel. He frowned a bit, “Genius?”

“Hm?” Rush still didn’t meet his gaze.

“You still alright? You’re pretty tense,” The sincerity in his voice made him sick.

“I’m fine.” 

“Alright then,” Young slipped one hand under the hem of his boxers and very quickly realized that something was missing.

Rush bit his lip to keep it from trembling as he felt Young freeze. He took a sharp breath in and the silence between them stretched on.

“Rush?” Young looked up at him, “I think there’s something you need to tell me.” He pulled his hand away slowly. He wasn’t mad, really. He just wanted to take care of Rush. To make him feel good and he couldn’t do that without all the facts.

“Yeah,” Rush rubbed his eyes, and his breathing picked up, “I suppose there is.”

Neither of them said anything for a minute. Rush tried to keep himself from crying while Young just sat back on his legs and admired the beauty in front of him.

Rush wondered why he hadn’t left already. Why was he still sitting there? Why was he just waiting? He already knew. It was obvious.

“I wasn’t-“ Rush’s voice broke and he had to pause, “I wasn’t born a man.”

“I got that,” Young whispered. He rubbed a hand over Rush’s thigh again, “I’m not mad y’know.”

Rush nodded wordlessly. Tears welled up in his eyes and he did everything he could to keep them from spilling. His shoulders shook as silent sobs racked his body.

“We don’t have to do this,” Young couldn’t stand seeing him so upset. It hurt him physically, “I won’t force you to.”

“I want to,” Rush mumbled, wiping his eyes, “please.”

Young couldn’t lie, he wanted this too. He wanted to take his time with Rush. Lay him out on a bed and fuck him. He wanted to cherish him, “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” Rush finally looked down at him. Young looked perfect like this, “It’s ok.”

“Can I take these off?” Young tugged lightly at his waistband, and Rush nodded again. He lifted his hips without being asked, and Young’s breath caught in his throat.

“You’re beautiful.” He helped Rush to spread his legs, leaving soft kisses on any skin he could reach.

“‘m not,” Rush mumbled, looking up again, “but thanks.” The corners of his mouth twisted up slightly into a smile.

Young tentatively rubbed over his clit, making Rush shudder. His nails dug into the armrests and Young grinned.

“You like that?” Young asked, repeating the motion. Rush whined in response, “Good boy. You’re so receptive.” He could feel the tension radiating off of him, and his only goal right now was to fuck that out of him.

“Shut up-“ Rush gasped as Young replaced his fingers with his mouth and started to suck. 

Rush wasn’t loud by any means, but he was constant. Young liked that. Emily hardly made any noise, and he’d begun to worry that he wasn’t doing well.

He let out a soft sigh, feeling incredibly empty. Young had perfect fingers, and he’d been wanting them for a while. They looked like they’d be the perfect size to fill him up.

Young pressed one finger in easily, and Rush had been absolutely correct in his assumption. He groaned, biting his knuckles to keep quiet.

The feeling of being full was one Rush hadn’t known in a while. Sure he’d gotten himself off, but it was never the same. It would never be the same as it was with someone else.

“Please- please-“ Rush practically sobbed out. He wasn’t sure what he was asking for, more? less? Young responded by adding a second finger and using his tongue on Rush’s clit.

Rush threw his head back, panting. He wanted Young to hurt him, to remind him that there was a reason nobody wanted him. If Young didn’t hurt him, he didn’t love him.

Young crooked his fingers and Rush let out a noise halfway between a whine and a moan. He smiled softly, continuing to lick and suck on him while he ran over that spot over and over. 

Young could watch this all day. He wanted to watch this all day. He wanted to watch Rush come undone beneath him. He wanted to see him give up control and just let someone else take care of him for once.

He’d give anything if it meant Rush felt safe with him.

Rush nearly keeled over at all the stimulation. It was too much and not enough at the same time. Young massaged circles into his thighs, and Rush felt that knot tightening in his abdomen.

“I can’t-“ Young scissored his fingers and his words died mid sentence, “I’m- holy shit- I’m close. Please don’t stop-“

Young pressed his tongue flat against Rush’s clit. He was panting again, trying to stave off his orgasm for as long as possible. 

“as long as possible” turned out to be about 15 seconds and then Rush came hard. 

His back arched, and Young held him by the hips so he didn’t move too much as he worked him through it.

Young pulled back, wiping his mouth but continuing to pump his fingers in and out with the same intensity. Rush’s walls clenched around him, and he whined quietly.

“You’re ok genius, I’m right here,” Young stilled his movements, “You’re ok.”

Rush wasn’t sure he’d be able to move after that, and he scrubbed a hand down his face, “Colonel-“

“I have my fingers inside you, don’t call me Colonel,” Young replied.

“Everett,” Rush whispered, and he sounded absolutely fucked out. Young’s mind went blank.

“Yeah?”

“That was amazing.”