Work Text:
This wasn't how Rekrap had thought it would go. To be fair, he hadn't thought much when he was leaving the server. It was a spontaneous decision, encouraged by his servermates, worry in their eyes- Either way, this wasn't how he thought it would go.
Rek's life before Lifesteal was honestly a blur to him. He remembered it, but it didn't feel like that was him. It was like he had a whole other person's memories. And he didn't know what to do with them. But what mattered here with that was that that meant that he didn't know what to do when he left Lifesteal (forever).
He didn't know what to do.
Of course, he found his way. He did whatever seemed interesting, whatever piqued his curiosity, not caring whether it was a new or old idea, whether it was stupid or not- he just searched for the fun. It went great in his opinion, even if it ended up with him having an absolutely absurd amount of armour sets. He was proud of it. He was having fun. He was healing, moving on. Just because it wasn't how he'd thought it would go didn't mean that it was bad.
(Things don't just go away, though. Rek didn't go on multiplayer servers for the longest time. All of his worlds were singleplayer, and he checked that fact a completely normal amount. Checking the tablist on a singleplayer world is normal! He's just making sure! Glancing over his shoulder every other step, checking every room he enters for traps- it's normal, it's fine. It's just habit. (He can't imagine living otherwise.)
He tries to tell himself that it's better than it used to be. That every time a potential trap that could've been sprung on him and he doesn't notice the possibility is good. That the lessening craving for invisibility is a good sign. That he's healing, that he doesn't have to worry anymore. His brain disagrees with him, though. Because it's dangerous, even if he's not in any danger anymore- But it lingers in him. He can't get rid of it. Rek hates it that he just can't move on.)
Polishing the sets of armour is calming, at least. He always goes back to the place in his world where they're all lined up on those stands whenever he's thinking too much, and just polishes them all. It takes hours upon hours. It's calming. It gets his brain to shut up, to stop him from jumping at every unexpected footstep made by an unalarming mob.
At some point, he starts joining some servers again. Never for long, never permanently, but- He needs to be around people. It's safer for him to be alone, he knows, but the loneliness gets to him. Rek would rather take the overabundance of caution and paranoia that comes with being around other people over being isolated for so long.
It's the better choice, in the end. He gets better at fighting (in the form of a game, of course it's always a game), he talks to people, his honed instincts relax, slowly. Now his hands barely even itch for the comforting motion of popping open a bottle of invis, for the sickeningly sweet taste of it pouring down his throat when he's around other people. There are limits to this, of course- As naturally, he starts meeting up with the other Lifesteal members again sometimes. They're still his friends, afterall.
Rek's breath still catches in his throat at the sight of any of them, his fight or flight going haywire. Still, he smiles shakily and pretends that nothing is wrong. They pretend that they don't notice. He's grateful for it.
It's fun, hanging out with his friends again. And as fun is his personal goal now, that means being around them more again. It takes some getting used to, some further research into breathing exercises, some avoiding the topic from both sides, but it works out. He jokes around with them again, goes on worlds with them again, tells them about his own projects again.
They tell him what it's like back on Lifesteal. The first time someone mentions it, casually, having forgotten who they were talking to, he freezes. And the panic comes back. But he plays it off, because he's used to doing that, he's been doing it for so long. It's a while before someone mentions Lifesteal again. (A voice whispers in the back of his mind that they're treating him like glass, that they pity him. He tells it to shut up. They're his friends.)
It's back to normal before long. Lifesteal gets mentioned in casual conversation, and he... gets used to it. He doesn't mind; it's a big part of their lives. It used to be a big part of his too. He smiles and nods along, and it goes well. Rek's used to pretending that he's okay. Not that he needs to, of course. He ignores how he immediately checks the area for traps the instant that the server is mentioned.
He starts planting melons at some point. It fits perfectly into his apparent new favourite niche of tasks - repetitive in just the right way. Like speedrunning, like making the armour suits, like polishing them, like doing silly challenges, like- like a lot of things. It's fun. The numbers of melons grow ever higher, stacked into hundreds upon hundreds of chests on his world. He starts swearing that he knows more about melons than anyone else now. And if he starts farming melons on another server or two he joins? Well that's just for the fun of it too.
Someone asks him how he's doing sometime. He replies, "I'm doing better than I was." He tries to keep himself convinced that that's the truth.
(It hasn't gone away. He knows it's been a while- years? It's been a long time since he's been on Lifesteal. He should be over it by now. He should have stopped being cautious about buttons and levers and contracts and moss blocks and people inviting him over long ago. He should have stopped stockpiling the ingridients for invis specifically - he doesn't need it on his singleplayer world. He should've stopped doubting peoples' intentions long ago. They're his friends, he- he trusts them (does he?), they're not on Lifesteal. He's safe.
Rekrap doesn't believe it.
With every passing day, he feels more and more insane. Why can't he just let go? He doesn't need paranoia to follow in his footsteps like an old, loyal dog anymore.
He's fine.)
Rek's been asked to rejoin Lifesteal. "It's just for a day!" he's told. "We- we need to celebrate, and we want you there. Please? It's alright if you say no, of course." There's caution in their eyes. Not the same sort as the one he wears like a cape, but the sort where they don't want to hurt him. He mentally laughs that that's a first, and agrees. It'll be alright.
It goes better than he thought it would. He feels like he's on the verge of a panic attack the whole time that he's there, but it's better than actually having one, like he thought he would. He'd even prepared for it - just as he knows that the others did. Rek's had plenty of practice in hiding panic attacks, it'd've been easy to put it to good use. Luckily he doesn't need to, though.
About halfway through the party (One that he has been checking for traps, of course he has. The others know it too.), though, Zam starts giddily going on and on about how he'd love for Rek to rejoin Lifesteal. The others shush him, but Rek can see it in their eyes, in the way they move that they agree. He smiles and tells them that it's alright.
And the thought sticks. That he could rejoin. He doesn't know why- Why in Herobrine's name would he rejoin Lifesteal? The server that completely fucked him up? Friends or not, it's- It shouldn't be a thought that he can't stop himself from spinning in his mind. They'd be happy to have him back, he knows. He also knows that they wouldn't let him back on unless he proved that he'd actually be fine being on the server again.
Although he tells himself that it's a stupid, pointless daydream, a plan forms in his mind. To call up one of the owners, to explain himself, to prove he's okay somehow, to convince them until he's back on. But it's just a daydream. He doesn't want to go back. There's a reason why he left in the first place. He doesn't want to bring it back, There's a reason. He's doing better away from the server, he should not be going back-
Next thing he knows, he's been whitelisted on the Lifesteal season 6 server and is on the official roster of players again.
Rek doesn't know how he got here (he does).
He wishes he could say he regrets it.
But now, his finger hovers over the join server button, and it's time to join. He doesn't know what he's doing, why is he here, what was he thinking. He left for a reason. He left for a reason. Does he really want to go back to that life? After all he's done? He left for a reason-
rekrap2 joined the game
Instantly, he hears cheering, and he looks around at his friends, who are happy to see him- He smiles at them, and for a moment he's happy. He's happy he did this.
And then his brain kicks back into high gear, and he's running away, instantly. It's been a while since he'd had to do this, but of course the instincts aren't gone, no matter what he tells himself. They can't be gone, a couple of years don't wipe away essentially living in a combat zone, being specifically hunted down-
Having a reason to be checking over his shoulder as he runs has never felt better. Even if he is terrified shitless right now.
There, he spots the players following him. They stop chasing, one by one. Until just one is left, and Rek knows who it is. ManePear. His heart beats faster, he can't breathe, he's going to die, there's no way he'd be able to beat ManePear with gear, but he doesn't even have any right now-
He hides in the first dirt cliffside he can find. The feeling of dirt surrounding him, pressed up on all sides around him, crumbling onto his head in the little hole he's wedged himself into- It's familiar too. Everything about this is familiar. He hates it. Why did he come back here? Why?
Mane, of course, finds him. Rek stumbles out of the hole, and hurriedly brushes the dirt off himself, laughing awkwardly (hiding the panic). "H-hey, Mane," he stutters out. Mane fixes him with an unimpressed look (tinged with concern, that damn concern, he's fine-).
Somehow, he gets out of there alive. Somehow, he leaves without having been killed. Even if he owes Mane a life now, even if he'd rather it didn't happen at all- Rek's alive. He didn't die on his first day. He takes that as a win.
He goes out in search of a village, checking over his shoulder every other second, just as he used to do- Now he has to. Because he's back on Lifesteal, because he actually is in danger again. He doesn't know how to feel about it. Every single rustle of the leaves in the forests he passes through sounds like footsteps to him, and his newly-crafted sword is in his hands within seconds. There's never anyone there. He always breathes a sigh of relief and relishes in the feeling of- of- finally having a reason for the paranoia instead of it being pointless like it has been for the past two years. He carries on.
A village is found, he settles down, builds his farms - including a melon one, naturally. The melons are comforting. Familiar. Familiar in a way that Lifesteal itself isn't, because it's one of the few things he got outside of Lifesteal. Always carrying around melons in his inventory is only natural. Before long, he's geared up. He feels ready. (He knows he's not, he never will be.)
He also builds escape tunnels. Lots of escape tunnels. Their presence makes him feel better, just a bit. He makes sure there's one going in every direction possible, as hidden yet accessible as possible, as easy to remember location-wise as possible. He won't let himself get caught. He'll have a way out. Always. Rek still keeps checking over his shoulders for Clownpierce, of course he does.
The offer from JumperWho for him to join her team is, well, rather unexpected. Rek says he'll think about it, but they both know what his answer will be. Any other answer would be disadvantageous this late into earlygame.
When he meets up with Pangi, a feeling he hasn't felt since he left Lifesteal returns: distrust of an ally. Because for now, they're allies. Because they're friends until one of them inevitably betrays the other. Because they can trust eachother only conditionally. Rek knows this. Pangi knows this. It's a fact of life on Lifesteal. Don't trust anyone may as well be the motto of the server.
Still, they smile and laugh and do their 'heist' as if they'd never turn on eachother. As if Rek isn't walking on eggshells, expecting Pangi to turn around and steal a heart from him with a grin (no one can remain kill-less on Lifesteal, Pangi will kill someone before long - Rek is just as likely to be that someone as anyone else). As if he doesn't expect every single building to already have a trap ready for him - what better time to trap the 'untrappable' than when he's new to the season, with no other allies? And Pangi knows this. Of course he does.
But they part ways before long, no deaths, both having Netherwart. It went better than Rek expected it to. He doesn't expect it to happen again. It was good while it lasted.
He returns home, brews his potions (lets himself brew invis for the first time since he left Lifesteal, and stashes it deep in his inventory), and waits for the meeting with Jumper.
They both know how this meeting will go, of course. But every single neuron in Rek's brain is screaming trap! and he can't convince himself that it isn't. There's not much Jumper would get out of it - only a heart and a new enemy. But she'd get the prestige of trapping Rek, especially as someone who'd never been on the same season as him before. It's enough motivation. It's enough to set his nerves on fire.
The amount of invisibility potions he makes is absurd, Rek knows. They wouldn't even really help him in a fight or trap if his pranoia was right. What good would invisibility do if he's already in a trap or fight? Invis is good for preventing those things in the first place. But that would mean not going to the meeting. He wants to go to the meeting. So he goes, with a corner of his inventory full of invis, just because it reassures him. He still hasn't drunk a single one (he doesn't want to fall down that trap again-).
Jumper is… surprisingly nice. He should've expected it, considering she's inviting him to her team (he's more considering her motivations for doing so), but it still comes as a shock. He doesn't trust her, of course he doesn't, but he relaxes a bit. She doesn't treat him like glass because she wasn't there when it happened. This does mean that there's a higher chance of her, specifically, trying to trap him. He's willing to take that risk (is he really?).
But… but he knows it's a great idea to be on a team, especially in earlygame. And Jumper really does seem nice. So he tells her that he'll join, and the way that she smiles tells him that she already knew what his answer would be.
So Rek's a Stickler now. He keeps his sticks in his inventory right beside his melons, away from the invis potions. It's nice, having another thing to value, even if he knows that having attachments like that is dangerous. He decides that it'll be fine; that the comfort is worth the danger.
The Sticklers' base is impressive, he'll admit. Even if there are too many possible places for traps, even if he has to carefully watch Jumper's every step and motion and listen carefully to every single sound. Jumper, afterall, was never one of the people who tried to promise him to not trap him this season (he'd declined; it would ruin the fun - his comfort mattered less in the face of that). Even if those promises had never gona through, the fact that they'd even tried was still a sign of… something. He didn't know if said something was good or bad, though. But Jumper had never even tried to promise, and that made her more dangerous, in his mind.
There are no escape tunnels in the base that he finds, though. It's for the best, he decides. He'll just dig some of his own, hide them around the rooms, tell no one about them. They're safer that way, if only he knows about them. That way he can escape if- when the Sticklers turn on him. It'll be a gambit, things will not go well if (when) someone finds the tunnels.
And it's later, when he and Jumper are parting ways, when he's about to head back to his village, that Jumper asks him a question. "Why did you rejoin Lifesteal, Rek?"
The question makes him freeze, stop in his footsteps as he was heading for the makeshift exit. He considers the question. "I don't know," he eventually replies. "I couldn't get it out of my head, I guess."
Jumper is silent for a moment before she says, "When I first joined Lifesteal, last season, we had that big meeting before the server started, you know the one. Where we lay down the rules, introduce new members, reestablish that these conflicts don't exist outside of the server. Reminders that it's a game. You know what they told us, Rek? 'Don't be like Rekrap. Tell others, tell the owners of the server if Lifesteal is getting to you, if you need to take a break, that's alright. This stuff gets to you. Just, actually tell someone.' That's what they told us. They told us that at this season's meeting too, before you rejoined."
"…Oh," Rek chuckles awkwardly. "Well… that's something? I…"
"Why did you come back to Lifesteal, Rekrap?" Jumper asks again.
"I don't know," he repeats. "It just… felt like the right thing to do. There was no other thing I could do. Like it was inevitable. I'm not the first person to leave and then rejoin Lifesteal for the reason of it all getting too much."
"You're the first who had a massive breakdown and almost died from potion overdose."
Rek looks away and doesn't reply. He doesn't want to admit that she's right - that this wasn't a good idea. He knows that it was a bad idea, Void, he knows that. He just doesn't want to hear about it from someone else. Besides, it's not like dying would've been particularly bad on Lifesteal, of all servers. (He knows that that's not true. That death by potion overdose leaves lingering effects forever, one of the few sorts of deaths that still affect you post-respawn. He knows that. As always, he ignores it.) So he asks her, "Why are you even asking? You weren't even there when it happened, you've no reason to care."
"Because you're my friend, Rek," she answers. "And my teammate now. It makes sense why I'd want to make sure that you're doing better."
"They let me on the server, didn't they? Of course I'm doing better."
Jumper gives him a look.
Rek sighs. He thinks about it. Can he really trust Jumper? No, of course not, it's not only a bad idea to trust anyone in Lifesteal - allies or not - but he makes sure to never really trust anyone in general. But still, there's something that he could tell her, finally get the thought processed and out of the back of his mind where he'd pushed it.
"I think," he hesitantly begins, "that the reason why I rejoined Lifesteal is that… It's easier, this way. The- the paranoia that this place gives you- gave me? It never goes away. It obviousy didn't for me. I think that… I think that I decided that it'd be better to be in a place where it's justified than someplace where it's not. I'd rather there be actual benefit to obsessively checking for traps and keeping invis in my inventory than it just being a leftover habit from a server that I'm not on anymore, perpetuated by- I don't know, my brain being stupid. So… yeah."
"That is… A terrible justification."
Her saying that startles a laugh out of Rek, and he nods, "Yeah. Yeah it is. I know that much."
There's silence for a moment, and then Jumper sighs, "You know, that is a horrible idea. But also you're an adult, you can make your own decisions. Just… be careful. I don't want you getting messed up again. It would not be good for the team!" She smiles during that last part, and Rek smiles back.
"Will do, then! You're not the first to ask that of me. Which… I'm just going to use that as a reminder to myself that it's a game, you know?"
"Sounds like a plan."
"Yeah…" Rek trails off and bounces on his feet slightly, getting restless. "Hey, Jumper?"
"Yeah?"
"I've been considering… It'd be a great idea to hide all of the end portals before the End fight tomorrow, wouldn't it?"
He watches the way her eyes light up at the suggestion, and he grins at her. Slowly, she says, "That… sounds like a great idea. Oh, that would go wonderfully with my other plans! It's perfect! I'm in."
It's nice, being on a team again, as inevitably impermanent it might be. He'll cherish this fondly, he'll try to remember what Jumper's told him. He'll be more careful.
Still, when Rek leaves the Sticklers' base and is on his way back home, his skin itches and crawls with the notion that somebody might be- probably is- watching him. He hates it. He's got the solution laying right there in his inventory, as far away from the melons and sticks as possible. The bottle's weight is still familiar in his hands. He wonders what he's even doing. But the eyes that are inevitably there watch him.
He'll be more careful, he mentally promises again. Then he pops the bottle open, watching the cork fade into dust. And he chugs the potion. The saccharine taste of it and the slimy feeling of it turning him invisible is familiar. He breathes a sigh of relief.
Rekrap will be fine.