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And that was Laura, performed by Frank Sinatra. It’s a movie title song, actually. God, I miss movies. Living in a Vault sucked, but we had movies. For instance, and bear with me because this is important, we had the movie Treasure of the Sierra Madre. You know what it was about? A bunch of people go looking for treasure and then one of them gets greedy and tries to kill the others, and in the end nobody gets the treasure. Fucked up, right?
That leads me to my next Wasteland Survival Tip: Do not follow the Sierra Madre broadcast. Have I followed it? Hell no, because I saw the movie! Bad vibes, man. I guarantee you, you follow that thing, you’re going to end up hunting for treasure with a bunch of other suckers, and one of them is going to turn on you and nobody is going to get the treasure. Call it a hunch.
Oh hey, you know what another movie we had was? You’re not going to guess, I promise. Johnny Guitar! Seriously! The song is actually really misleading, Johnny is there but he’s not the main character. It’s actually about this woman Vienna who runs a saloon, and this other lady is trying to kill her because she’s jealous that all the men like her, but it’s actually because she’s in love with her. Or maybe not, Amata always said I was reading that into it where it wasn’t there. Good movie, anyway. See it if you can. I guess you probably can’t.
For our next song, what the hell, here’s Johnny Guitar…
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Here’s a Wasteland Survival Tip: stay the hell away from anyone in power armor. You know why? Because there’s two factions that wear power armor, and they’re the Brotherhood of Steel and the Enclave, and both are major dicks. I know this because I actually am a Knight of the Brotherhood of Steel, but I’m from the Capital Wasteland and they’re totally cool there. But the Mojave chapter? They broke my goddamn heart. I come all this way to the desert to help them, and it’s all ‘He shared our secrets in his Wasteland Survival Guide, he must be killed!’ So that’s why I’m broadcasting my Wasteland Survival Tips now, because fuck ‘em.
The Enclave are even bigger dicks, though. Sure, they’re not supposed to be around anymore, but I don’t trust that. Those creeps are like radroaches, they just keep coming back. And also like radroaches, you can’t just ignore them because they’ll attack you no matter what you do. Maybe some of them started out with good intentions, but when your plan is to genocide the world, how much do good intentions matter?
This next song is At the Devil’s Ball, and it’s dedicated to the Enclave and the Mojave Chapter of the Brotherhood of Steel. Because you guys can go directly to hell.
***
Now some news: a major Legion slaving party was repelled by just two people! That’s pretty awesome. One of them was a guy in a First Recon beret, and the other was reportedly the same courier who came back from the dead in Goodsprings! Seriously, you guys rock. Come to think of it, a lot of my news items have been about that courier. Not surprising- if I’ve learned anything, it’s that once you start having heroic adventures, you can’t stop.
So hey, courier, if you’re listening to this, hit me up. It doesn’t have to be a date if you’re already seeing that sniper guy. Or it can be if you’re single! Or whatever, I’m honestly really lonely here. I know I set up shop with a radio station on a mountain to get away from the Brotherhood, but total isolation kinda sucks. I promise I won’t make you go on a fetch quest!
Speaking of which, here’s a Wasteland Survival Tip: if a frightened teenager approaches your radio station seeking their lost father, don’t send them on a fetch quest before you’ll help them. That’s a dick move. It’s hard to claim you’re fighting the good fight when you’re fucking with scared kids like that. Trust me.
Anyway, courier, this next song is Pistol Packin’ Mama, and it’s meant entirely as a compliment.
***
Wasteland Survival Tip: talk to Supermutants before you make assumptions. You’ll figure out really quickly if they’re bad news or not, because if they’re bad news, they’ll just scream and shout words like death and kill and meat. If they don’t do that, you’re probably fine. They’ve had a hard time of it, show some sympathy. I had a friend who was a Supermutant, great guy but trauma made him act real weird. One time there was a radiation-filled chamber, and even though he could easily survive it, I had to make a big effort to talk him out of the idea that it was my “destiny” to give my life in there. If you’re listening, Fawkes, it’s all cool.
Honestly, Vaults fuck you up. Sometimes they turn you into a Supermutant, but even if they don’t, they fuck you up. I grew up in a Vault, and look what a freak I turned out to be. And my Vault was nice! I mean, we were locked in there under the command of a madman, but he wasn’t actively trying to torture us. Just sometimes kill us. But if you ever go exploring and find a Vault, I give you 70-30 odds it’ll be worse. I found this place, Vault 11, that made me so depressed I would have blown my fucking head off if that wouldn’t have been giving the Enclave exactly what they wanted.
In honor of those wonderful places, our next song is In My Home Town by Tom Lehrer.
***
Some news, if you haven’t already heard it: the Legion fucking blows. More detail? Fine, fine. They spilled radiation all over an NCR outpost just to be dicks. I guess VaultTec aren’t the only ones to think that kind of experiment will never ever blow up in their faces.
So, Wasteland Survival Tip: Rome was a thing thousands of years ago, Latin already existed as a language, Caesar didn’t invent shit. I know, I know, if you’re already in the Legion you’ll dismiss this as profligate propaganda, but in case you were on the fence, now you know. Julius Caesar was a real emperor, and he got stabbed to death by all his friends, and the Roman empire was super corrupt and eventually it ended when it got set on fire and vandalized by a bunch of goth girls in black lipstick and big boots.
And look, I get it. I mean, I don’t get the fascism and slavery and misogyny, but I get wanting to feel like you’re a part of something bigger than yourself, something that’s going to last. I can’t really recommend you all move to the Capital Wasteland, it’s pretty run down compared to the west coast, but that chapter of the Brotherhood was really building something. Something literally bigger than ourselves. Man, if I had Liberty Prime with me here, the Legion would be a fucking crater, no nukes necessary.
But being a hero is exhausting. Right, courier? I’m serious, hit me up, I’m really lonely. Just in case you’re listening, our next song is Return to Sender. I didn’t find any information about the singer, but just take a listen. That guy has the voice of a king.