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Chapter Text

James had played hockey ever since birth. 

At least that’s what it felt like to him. He couldn’t remember a time in his life where he hadn’t been absolutely taken by the sport and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

He wasn’t even sure how he’d ended up deciding that that was the sport for him. Wasn’t sure when he even realised the sport existed. Both his parents were athletically inclined, but none of them even remotely interested in ice hockey. James’ dad, Fleamont, had always been an avid soccer fan. He played well into his teens too but decided to stick as just a fan when he got together with Effie in school. James knew that his dad had always imagined that his son would be interested in soccer too. Imagined that they’d go to games together and he’d get to watch James play with other boys from his class. James knew this because his dad had told him.

“Couldn’t ever get him to go outside and play with me though, little bugger” Fleamont had said as he retold the events at yet another family dinner. His dad ruffled James’ hair and James smiled, never really getting tired of hearing the story even if it was the 15th time. “He was too busy watching the NHL on the telly. Knew all the players’ names before he had even learned to read”  

James knew that though the grassy fields and soccer balls had been traded for ice rinks and pucks his dad was equally excited. As soon as James was able to sign up to learn the sport he did, his dad excitedly taking him to every game. Fleamont had spent hours watching games on the TV with James too, quickly picking up the rules. Soon he had picked up a decent enough understanding of the sport to follow along and even go and help James practise at the local rink on weekends. Still, he’d much rather tune in to his favourite soccer game if he really did have to choose. His love for his own sport never dying out. 

James didn’t mind if ice hockey would never be his dad’s favourite sport. He still couldn’t help but love his dad for his unending enthusiasm for just about anything James did. 

James’ mother may not have been a hockey fan but she did have helpful insight. Having been a professional figure skater before she turned to coaching and choreographing for the local team of figure skaters, shortly after having James, it was her who had gifted James his first pair of skates and taught him how to use them. If he thought back far enough it was probably through her he discovered ice hockey too. She was an avid watcher of the winter olympics and James would have probably seen hockey teams on the ice too when he’d occasionally accompany his mom down to her office at the arena when he was younger.

They quickly learned that James had a talent for the game as much as he had a love for it . it didn’t take long for him to rise well above many of his peers, even starting to best the older boys on the team as he started to grew out of the little league. 

Perhaps it was his parents athletic inclination kicking in and helping him but James never found the physicality of the sport a problem. He was well aware that, to many, Hockey was a rather brutal and violent sport filled with nasty injuries and a slew of fights both on and off the ice. He supposed that was to be expected of any fast-paced, high-contact sport like it. It was like the nature of the sport egged on the players to go at each other and it didn’t help that hockey relies on several “unwritten” rules about what you do and don’t do when it comes to the violence, oftentimes leaving players to police and reign themselves in. 

James always knew it was a chaotic sport, proved by the bruises and injuries he would often come home with after practices. James learned early on in his life how to best get over a broken bone, how to tune out foul words shouted at him as players chirped at each other on the ice and how to take a punch from an angry opponent - maybe even your own teammate if it was a particularly hostile game.

In a way it was a little ironic how a boy as gentle and caring at heart had ended up in a sport like that. Off the court you’d probably never guess he was slamming others into the boards or narrowly avoiding actual brawls on the daily with his little league team. He had always been a very sweet kid, always trying his best to make others around him smile. When he wasn’t doing anything ice hockey related he’d usually just be playing with legos or going over his schoolwork. 

It seemed like the sport and James’ nature should inherently clash. Surely a boy like James who cared so much about the feelings and wellbeings of others wouldn’t want to also play a sport as aggressive as hockey. James, however, saw the sport for what it really was in his opinion. Cause just beyond the viciousness and brute force laid not only skill and patience but also brotherhood. Despite the harsh words on the court he knew his teammates had him and his back no matter what. And even if from the stands his games looked like a bunch of kids in oversized gear skating into each other at random he knew it was so much more. It would always be so much more for James.

He liked the high tension, he liked the adrenaline rush and the harsh bites from his teammates to get himself together when he didn’t play his best. It was odd and he didn’t blame others for not understanding. He didn’t blame them for not seeing it, cause there was nothing to see if you hadn’t experienced it, felt it, really let it take up a space in your soul. That was exactly what hockey was to him; an integral part of who he was. He didn’t see himself ever doing anything else, he simply couldn’t. His heart and soul lied in hockey. 

Safe to say James was a bit of a romantic when it came to, well, most things in life. He was an outspoken optimist, no doubt a trait he’d inherited from his parents and he generally liked to take things one day at a time.

Perhaps that was why he had been so taken with him at first, when he’d seen him that day.

James had gotten into Haverfield university close to his home on a scholarship thanks to his skill and dedication to ice hockey. All the silly competitions for his rather pisspoor school team paid off afterall. Somehow a scout for Haverfield had picked up his talents from the stands. Even without the scholarship though, James had always known he’d end up at the prestigious university. They had what had to be the best university ice hockey team in the entirety of the UK only rivalled by Montrose university and their team. It really was between the two of them but Haverfield was much closer to home and even if James really did like campus life, he liked knowing he wasn’t too far from home. 

It helped that Sirius had followed with him. Sirius Orion Black had played with James in the little leagues when they were both just starting out and though Sirius went to a posh private school close by and ended up playing on their much better school team and James probably should’ve felt a little jealous, Sirius had been James’ best friend right from the start. He didn’t even remember exactly how or why they had met when they started on the little league team. Sometimes it felt like they had just always known each other. 

Ever since little leagues they’d done everything together. When the school bell would ring out back then James would run down a few streets to the private school to meet up with Sirius who’d always meet him with the same cheeky grin and “Oi, potter!”. They’d go to the local ice rink only to play until they were sore and so tired they could barely walk. 

Sirius was good at hockey. Even better than James. He played like his life depended on it, like he had everything to lose and in a way James supposed, he did. 

Though Sirius had always been prickly about his home life, and James wasn’t sure he’d ever gotten the full picture he had still heard enough from his friend over the years to know that Sirius didn’t play the sport just for the fun of it. No, Sirius had to be good at Hockey. 

His mother was a retired professional figure skater and his dad, Orion, the CEO of some company James’ hadn’t ever cared enough about to remember the name of. Coincidentally his company was however one of the biggest sponsors of the great britain national hockey team. 

Sirius had quite literally been on skates since he could walk and from there on out it seemed what was expected of him was nothing but the best. Sirius always outperformed every kid around him. He was the best Right Wing forward James had ever had the pleasure of playing with, truly. The best teammate and opponent he’d ever had. He was fast, strong and had the wits to match it. 

However, it never seemed to be enough to Sirius’ parents. If James had to pick the people he hated the most in the world, it had to be Walburga and Orion Black. It was all their fault. All those days he’d have to comfort a crying Sirius, talking about how he’d never be good enough. The worst was when he broke his leg in a particularly brave attempt on the ice for his team. 

It had been stupid really, completely careless. But the night before, Sirius had gotten a proper beating from his father because apparently he’d been “too lazy” at their last game. Sirius had been desperate. Desperate to show off. Desperate to show once and for all that he was good enough. James had been in the stands watching it all go down and he’d cringed as he saw the way Sirius’ leg twisted, as he turned too sharply on the ice. 

James still remembered the horror when he realised it was him and his parents that had to take Sirius to the hospital cause Orion hadn’t even chosen to stay long enough to watch the accident. Sirius had done all of it not even aware of the fact that his father was long gone. Apparently his mother was somewhere else in the country with Sirius’ younger brother for a figure skating competition, so she hadn’t been there either.

James had been there though. His parents had been there. And still the first thing Sirius did when he woke up was cry about how it was all his fault. 

He hadn’t been good enough. 

James still remembered the blinding rage he’d felt then, watching his best friend only 14 years old and weeping about being a “bad son” cause his own father couldn’t even be bothered with driving him to the bloody hospital. 

It was honestly only mildly surprising when Sirius had shown up in the middle of the night, with a duffle bag over his shoulder, only sixteen years old and soaking wet from the rain, having ran away from home.

James still shuddered a little when he thought about it. But with time it had gotten easier. Sirius might not have been completely healed. Of course he wasn’t completely healed, not even after 5 years and he might never really be but still it really had gotten better.

Sirius dropped hockey completely immediately after leaving home and though James pleaded with him not to, there was no question about it. Sirius wouldn’t give a definitive reason why but James knew the answer well enough. Sirius had never played hockey for himself. No matter how good he was, it had always been for his parents. Without them he simply had no reason to go on. And though James truly viewed it as a loss to the future professional hockey team Sirius surely would’ve ended up on if he had kept going, James did not question his best friend’s choice further. 

Even if Sirius had dropped hockey, he still insisted on following James to Haverfield university. It had been their plan ever since they were 13. Back when hockey was still all the both of them had. Now Sirius had decided to take up a major in music instead as he followed James along to the prestigious university. James’ parents had tried to offer to pay for Sirius’ tuition now that they didn’t have to pay James’ but Sirius humbly denied the offer. Apparently some rich uncle of his had left him a shit ton of money in his will. 

When James had been confused by that, Sirius had explained that this uncle had been shunned from the family too years ago. Something about not upholding the family values. In spite he had left all his money to a 17 year old Sirius, also disowned. James didn’t really understand. His family were well off enough, sure, but rich rich people like Sirius’ parents, he had just never understood. It didn’t matter though. As long as Sirius got to go with him he was fine. His best friend. His best mate. 

Nothing had been different that one day, really. James well through his sophomore year and had already scored himself the position of captain on Haverfield’s ice hockey team. He was likely to be scouted by the talent scouts next year if he kept going at this pace and Sirius and him had recently purchased a flat together, just outside campus with the remainder of Sirius’ mysterious uncle’s money. 

“I just want to get rid of it” Sirius had said when James had asked him if it really was okay for him to be paying the entire deposit while James only chipped in for his bit of the rent. “I loved uncle Alphard really, but Black money will always be Black money and i don’t need any reminder that i’m related to those bastards anymore” 

The decision to move in together had been a little impulsive, sure, but the pair did have their reasons other than just to blow off money. The on-campus living quarters had an almost ridiculous set of strict rules to follow and Sirius wanted to move in with his boyfriend, Remus too, as they had been dating for a little over a year at that point. James had felt a little uncomfortable at first with the prospect of living together with the couple but both Sirius and Remus had assured him that it was fine. Eventually James caved. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to live with his best friend and he really did like Remus too. 

Remus was a rather quiet guy when you first met him. Very private in a cool sort of bristled way that could come off as quite rude if you realised a bit too late that Remus wasn’t trying to be unfriendly; he just didn’t really bother with the unnecessary niceties. When James had first met Remus he’d been both a little intimidated and also awestruck. Remus was undoubtedly handsome, James could see that just as well as everyone could. Tall and broad shouldered, ash brown hair always a little tousled, nose a tad bit crooked, face lightly freckled and scarred. 

When James had first seen the scars stretching across his face he had tried his best to not stare. He knew better than to be rude and ask questions and Sirius had been going on and on for weeks about how much he liked the guy. James wanted to make a good impression. Later on he had learned that Lupin acquired the scars in a pretty bad car accident as a teenager. The same accident that had left him walking with a cane. 

Though the cane was a stark contrast to Remus’ whole look with his usually unreadable expression, beat up brown leather jacket and equally worn in oxfords, James couldn’t help but find it a little endearing almost. Nearly as endearing as finding out that despite Remus’ tough boy exterior he was in fact just a literature major and as it turned out, rather nerdy and kind-natured. 

In theory, James and Remus shouldn’t really work together very well. Remus being the quiet, brooding, bookworm and James the loud, extroverted hockey player. But somehow they matched up quite well. James liked learning new small things about Remus little by little and Remus in turn seemed to respect James’ complete honesty and respect of boundaries when it came to not prying too much. James was curious, of course he was, but he’d been taught better than to stick his nose into other people’s business especially when they clearly didn’t want you to. 

Of course it helped too that they had Sirius to hold them together, the glue of the trio. Sirius could match James’ loud enthusiasm and extroversion any day but he could also spend a whole day cuddled up with Remus as they quietly whispered amongst themselves. James watched in awe as the pair seemed to slowly melt into one. Like two pieces of a puzzle that had always meant to fit together. He watched like a proud mom from the outside as Remus’ eyes would soften completely when he looked at Sirius, as if he truly had hung the moon and the stars. And he watched equally fond as Sirius would let himself be comfortable, let himself be happy around someone. 

James knew better than anyone that that had never been easy for Sirius. Sirius may have gotten a long way but his past still haunted him despite how much he tried to pretend it didn’t. He still walked around with the weight of insecurities and guilt. 

James knew that he had done everything he could. He knew he had been there in every way he could but he would never be the one to actually show Sirius he was good enough. He could push him a good ways toward it but in the end Sirius would have to let go himself. Remus seemed like he might actually be the person who would be able to give Sirius that final wake up call. James saw how Sirius let him be himself around Remus little by little, how he let go of the hundreds of facades he had never really learned to separate from himself. How he let himself live, and be happy and childish and messy. Things he was never allowed during his childhood.

It was exactly why as James went down into the kitchen still yawning, he couldn’t help but smile a little as he saw the small stain of coffee around where Sirius’ mug stood on the counter in front of him. It’d be cleaned off easily, of course, but normally Sirius wouldn’t let it be for even one second. Even that was too messy, too imperfect . Slowly though he was beginning not to notice or look out for those things anymore and James couldn’t be more proud of him.

“Morning” Sirius said as James walked over to the kitchen table, throwing himself down lazily into one of the chairs. Sirius was absentmindedly scrolling on his phone, probably checking his social media or something alike. 

“Morning.” James greeted back, his voice considerably more sleepy than Sirius’. Normally James would be up way before anyone else in the flat, having to get up for morning practices and preferring to go for a small run before. Today however, was a sunday, he had no morning practice, only a team meeting later in the afternoon and though James had no problem getting up for his morning run every other day of the week at the crack of dawn he wasn’t gonna pretend he didn’t appreciate the occasional opportunity to sleep a little into the day. It wasn’t like he’d woken late though, even today. He glanced at the clock to see that it was only 09:30. 

That made him quirk an eyebrow. Going off from the fact that both Sirius and Remus who stood in the kitchen cleaning up some dishes with headphones in, were already up and dressed James would’ve assumed it was a little later in the day actually. Both Remus and Sirius despised getting up early and since they shared a room and bed they’d normally just wake up by themselves, usually around 12:00.

“You’re up early today,” James commented as he reached and grabbed one half of the bagel Sirius had on a plate in front of him. Sirius sent him a pointed look for stealing the food but didn’t really fight for it, probably too lazy to do so. Besides, they had shared everything since they were sixteen at that point. They stopped really considering what was James’ and what was Sirius’ stuff a long time ago. Remus must’ve heard James through whatever he was listening to over by the sink, cause he turned around, popping one earbud out of his ear to look at James.

“Oh, morning James”

“mm” James hummed through a mouthful of his bagel. “I wash jus’ ashking why you two are up sho early” He said, his words slurred by the food in his mouth. Sirius made a slight face at him.

“Ugh haven’t i told you not to speak with food in your mouth like that? you look like a kid, honestly”

James only pouted at him mockingly. “Sorry, mum ” He said and though Sirius rolled his eyes he couldn’t stop the small smile that tugged at his lips.

Remus ignored the interaction, instead choosing to answer James’ question.

“Oh yeah, Sirius is taking me to that exhibition I wanted to see. I wanted to get there early as to avoid the afternoon crowds so we're up a little earlier”

“Can’t believe he got me up this early just to see his nerdy little exhibition” Sirius groaned playfully.

“Oh shut up you nob, it’s not nerdy, you’re just uncultured” 

“That's what i would say too if i was such a massive nerd” Remus threw his wet dish rag at Sirius then and Sirius squealed, though there was no denying the smiles on both their faces.

James smiled too at the pair. They really were adorable. Still, James couldn’t resist the chance to tease them.

“Ugh, just go if you’re gonna be all coupley and domestic”

Sirius got up out of his chair, taking his bagel with him as apparently they were already ready to go. 

“you’re just mad you’re still single and alone” 

He teased as he walked to follow Remus over to the door where they started shrugging on their jackets and shoes.

“Rude!” James shouted after him. 

“Just stating facts, Potter. Find someone to shag if you’re so miserable”  

James picked up the wet dishrag from the table, then, to throw it at Sirius in retaliation. Sirius only dodged it with a laugh clearly expecting the counter attack. 

“We’ll be back around three at the latest since we’ll probably just go for lunch at a café” Remus said, adjusting the sleeves of his leather jacket.

James nodded, taking a moment to swallow the bite of bagel he had just had before answering.

“yeah i’ll probably be at the rink then. Just text me when you guys start preparing dinner”

Remus nodded back at him, sending him a thumbs up as he waited patiently for Sirius to tuck on his doc martens. When he was finished getting ready Remus opened the door to step out and Sirius followed him only after letting out a,

“Bye loser!” to James. 

James chuckled to himself at his best friend’s antics as the door slipped closed with a click. He finished up the bagel before wiping crumbs off of his fingers and fishing out his phone from his pocket.

He was delighted to see a notification from his mom popping up on the home page and didn’t waste any time in going to check it. James loved living alone but he would probably always be one of those people who stuck close to their parents. He had always been an only child until Sirius came along and his parents had never shied away from spoiling him with affection. Even though he supposed he might have been a bit too spoiled at times James would forever be grateful for the close bond he had with his parents. Even if Sirius still sometimes teased him about his obvious excitement whenever he’d get so much as a small text from his parents. All good natured of course. Sirius adored James’ parents just as much James did, maybe even more, though he’d always deny that. 

James couldn’t help but smile in excitement as he read his mother’s text.

“ James, 

I hope you’re still doing well at the flat with Sirius and Remus. Your father and I miss you as always but that really is nothing new is it? Your father has been a little swamped with work lately so he hasn’t had the time to call you in a little while, and told me to tell you hi as well. I’m happy to tell you that in a small lucky turn of events I’ve secured a job with a figure skater who needs some choreographing, and since your campus offers the most promising ice rink around it is actually where we’ll be conducting most our practising from next week on, so i hope you don’t mind having your old mum around too much❤ I thought maybe we could find time a day that week to eat dinner somewhere cosy. My treat. Don’t stress about it though, I wouldn't want to get in the way of your practice with the team. 

Hope to see you soon. Hugs and kisses - mum ”

James excitedly typed back a lengthy response on his phone while he took the empty plate and mug left from Sirius’ breakfast and took it over to the sink, lazily dropping them down into it. He’d do it later. Even if he didn’t then he could always complain to Sirius’ that technically it was his dishes and not James’. 

When he had sent the reply to his mom James moved over to the couch. He didn’t really have much to do until later in the afternoon, so maybe he should just try and use the opportunity to relax. Reaching for the remote he turned on the tv only to scroll through several series on netflix. Nothing stood out to him at all. None of the shows he was currently watching was what he wanted to watch now, and he couldn't be bothered with starting a new one. With a sigh James turned off the tv again. 

It looked like he was gonna be heading to the rink early again today. James didn’t mind much. He knew others would probably wrinkle their noses at his daily schedule. At just how much time he spent just practising or getting ready to practise. Whether he was at the rink or in the gym or on a run, half his life was about hockey and hockey only. James had no problem with it. He liked training. He liked skating and doing drills by himself, even the boring ones. It kept him going, kept him focused. His mind was at ease while his body took the lead. 

Their flat was only a small 10 minute walk away from campus and the street they lived on was a relatively quiet one with trees lining the sidewalks. James found himself staring up toward the leaves, sun filtering through them as they rustled in the light morning breeze, with a smile. 

As already stated James liked to see the beautiful things in life. The small things. James might seem like the kind of person who breezed through life without second thought. He was boisterous and outgoing and always moving around. That didn’t mean he didn’t take small moments to look at the things around him. 

James had always liked the sound of birds chirping outside his window when he would wake up in the summer as a boy in his childhood bedroom. He liked hanging out in the kitchen with his mom when she’d cook. Watching the small smile she’d always sport and smelling the familiar concoction of spices. He savoured the taste of the Roti and Kofta or whatever else his mother would always cook up, with her seemingly endless amount of family recipes. 

Fleamont mostly stayed out of the kitchen, as he almost always ended up burning something much to his mother’s dismay but was always ready to set the table and light a few candles in preparation. James always adored when his mother still sent pictures of the flowers his dad would get her every other week. Something he had been doing as long as James could remember. He watched the way Sirius would play with Remus’ fingers absentmindedly when they sat together on the couch and the way they’d knock hips when walking past each other in the kitchen. James quietly observed every little bit of love around him and he felt fulfilled. He felt so grateful that this was the life he was living, that these were the people he got to spend his time around. He watched couples walking hands intertwined down the street, he stopped to pet stray cats and smiled at every passerby he made eye contact with. 

Some might call him a hopeless romantic and James was inclined to agree.

Maybe that was why he stopped in his tracks when he first entered the rink that day. 

He hadn’t bothered putting any of his gear on. The team wasn’t going to practise today anyway and he thought he’d just get some skating drills in. He’d been meaning to work a bit more on his edge work anyway. 

He had been a little surprised when he had found the door already unlocked and prepared to see one of his teammates or even one of the occasional figure skaters on the ice already. James didn’t mind sharing the ice too much. He had stopped by the locker room just to throw his bag onto one of the benches and unearth his skates. He had gazed only momentarily at the other bag neatly placed by a locker in the corner of the room. It was an all black duffle bag, with clothes folded neatly beside it. So just one other person it seemed. He didn’t recognise the bag or the clothes but then again it could be just about anyone. 

As soon as he had walked inside the main arena, however, he stopped, skates in hand. The university arena was a spacious room, with green plastic spectator seats lining every wall around the ice. On the ice itself another person was already skating and James felt his breath catch a little in his throat as he watched them.

A boy in tight fitting black practice clothing darted around the ice on his skates, jet black hair swirling around his head. James had seen plenty of figure skaters throughout his life. He’d seen his mom and her students, the contestants at the winter olympics when he wasn’t too busy anticipating the ice hockey games to actually pay attention to the skaters. He respected the sport of course and the skill it must take. He knew how much work it took just to fare comfortably on the ice and hell, he had no idea how he’d ever get himself to jump around like they did. None of them had really ever caught his attention before though. It was pretty, but not very interesting. Not like hockey was. 

This person, however, caught James' attention and he found himself unable to look away. He couldn’t even get a good look at the boy’s face as he moved fast around the ice, still a good ways away from where James stood near the entrance. 

James watched the way the boy’s long limbs extended as he jumped and swirled with a precision James could only marvel at. James knew what being on ice felt like. He knew how skating worked and yet he wondered how on earth this boy was moving like he was. He watched him shift his weight from one foot to the other, moving across the ice as if he was floating. As if it took him no effort at all. As if he was doing something as natural as breathing. 

He moved endlessly, never once stopping or hesitating as he did one jump after the other. James wondered how something he knew must take an insane amount of strength and concentration could look so elegant, so natural . He knew that in his over a decade of experience on the ice he had never looked or moved like this boy did. 

The figure skater moved into another jump and landed it. James saw no mistake, caught nothing wrong with it and yet the boy immediately came to halt afterward shaking his head in clear frustration. He stood for a moment panting and then started skating again, head down in exhaustion. It took a good moment for James to realise that the boy was skating in his direction and it was only really when the other looked up that James realised what was happening.

They locked eyes almost instantly, the boy stopping on his skates probably a little startled to see an unexpected spectator. James was startled too, but for other reasons entirely. 

The boy should be a complete stranger to James but there was simply no mistaking the high cheekbones and silvery grey eyes. 

Regulus Black looked startlingly like his older brother, even more so now that he had grown up. James had never actually met him, but he had seen the occasional pictures of him that Sirius had. In the pictures Regulus was fourteen years old or even younger and back then he looked much younger than his actual age. Whether that was caused by his small stature next to his brother or the youthful nervousness in his eyes James had never been too sure. The Regulus that stood before James now was not fourteen anymore and yet with the five years difference his gaze was still as cold and empty as it had been in those family pictures James had seen, maybe even more now. 

Regulus considered James for a moment with a gaze so calm and unreadable you would think he was a robot. James himself just stood in quiet horror. He couldn’t comprehend Regulus being there at all. Why the hell was he there? 

For all James knew, Regulus should be in London with the rest of Sirius’ family, as he had been the last five years. 

James thought of Sirius and wondered when the last time they had spoken was. Surely he couldn’t have been the one to ask Regulus to come. He would’ve told James.

For all James knew, Sirius hadn’t had contact with his brother for 3 years now ever since his brother abruptly blocked him on everything. Sirius had been devastated. Their contact had always been scarce and their relationship incredibly strained with guilt and hurt but still Sirius had never been prepared to lose his brother too. 

James remembered clearly how much Sirius adored Regulus, even when they were just teens. How he’d talk of his brother with so much love in his eyes. Hurt too when he would explain just how “brainwashed” he was by their parents.

When Sirius had left his home at sixteen, he hadn’t just cried for himself but for Regulus too. He blamed himself for leaving his younger brother behind. At the same time, however, he despised his brother. He despised him for letting them move to London without another word, for staying with them and not running away with Sirius. 

The abandonment Sirius faced from his parent’s was awful, sure, a painful, bleeding wound. But the hatred Sirius felt for his parents made the grief easier to deal with. It made it easier to convince himself he did the right thing by leaving them in the past. 

The abandonment from his brother’s side however, was a whole other kind of wound. Regulus had been a part of Sirius’ soul, James realised over the years. He had been the one thing in that house that kept Sirius going and the one thing that had made him hesitant to leave. He wanted to hate Regulus just like he hated his parents. He wanted to start to let him go too but it wasn’t as easy. Sirius had never felt much love toward his parents, only fear. Sirius had loved Regulus though. Loved him with the entirety of his heart and when he left that house he wasn’t sure what to do with that love anymore.

So despite his better judgement he kept in contact with Regulus. James did not know the details at all. Regulus had always been an especially touchy subject with Sirius. He knew that he received the odd text back from Regulus once in a while though. Sirius had told James one time, when he’d dared ask, that Regulus never told him much really. Just what he was currently doing. How he was doing. It was bittersweet the relationship between the two. Sirius couldn’t let go, wouldn’t, but at the same time he didn’t have the strength or courage to actually fix the bond between them. 

That would take actually talking about what happened. Sirius wasn’t willing to do that. He wasn’t really even willing to admit that their relationship wasn’t the same anymore. He would talk about his brother as if he was still there. He’d keep tabs on him, making sure to watch every competition he was in, silently watching from afar. But James could see from a distance how much it also pained Sirius. how much it hurt him that he couldn’t be there for his brother, at his performances, at his side. He could see how much strength it took Sirius to try and completely ignore the fact that his brother left him too, that he chose to stay. 

It all fell apart when Regulus cut off contact with Sirius though. Sirius panicked at first, telling himself it must be some kind of mistake. Surely his brother wouldn’t do that. Surely it was their mom and he would find another way to contact him. 

But Sirius never did hear from his younger brother again. And as the reality of that sunk in it was like he locked away that part of himself completely. Like he chose to simply cut out and forget those chapters in his life entirely. 

In the 3 years following James never heard about Regulus again. Sirius didn’t bother staying up to watch his performances anymore, or even keep up with his schedule online. He simply chose to act like Regulus had never existed at all and when James had tried to get him to actually talk about it with him he’d flipped out completely. He got so angry, in fact, that he didn't talk to James for two whole days. It was only when James apologised and promised to never speak about the subject again that Sirius stopped being angry at him and instead went right back to pretending nothing ever happened.

It had made James uncomfortable at first. To watch Sirius obviously hurting but choosing to ignore the hurt entirely. Having to watch him put his grief on hold and push it down somewhere he could pretend he didn't feel it. Over the years though James learned that there was nothing he could do about it. Until Sirius himself was ready to confront what had happened, what he had lost and how much it did affect him he couldn’t force him to. And at one point James too almost forgot Regulus had ever existed. 

Now as Regulus stood only a good 10 metres away however, James was rudely reminded of just how much he did in fact exist. He must've been staring because Regulus quirked an eyebrow in quiet questioning, the only suggestion of emotion on his otherwise stony face, before he moved further in James' direction. 

James took a step back, his head still spinning a bit, but when Regulus hopped over the board in one graceful motion and moved over to the benches to grab a bottle of water, not even sparing James another glance, James was reminded of the reality. Regulus had no idea who he was. To Regulus he was just some stranger who had walked in there only to stare at him. 

James composed himself, clearing his throat a little as he tried his best to regain composure.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, I just came to practise a bit. Usually I'm the only one here so early on weekends” James said, trying his best to sound as casual as possible.

Regulus glanced at him over his shoulder before looking away again, clearly uninterested. 

“I was leaving now anyway” He muttered before sitting down on the bench to start removing his skates. James stood for a moment more just staring at the boy. Regulus tucked his black curls behind his ears with gloved fingers presumably to get them out of his face and James felt a shiver run down his spine at the absurdity of the moment. Even now the resemblance to Sirius was uncanny. Even ignoring the hair and the family traits, just the way they moved was still similar and James wondered how the hell that was possible after five whole years apart. 

Regulus must’ve felt James observing him cause he paused his untying of his skates for a second to shoot a quick cold glance up at James. Immediately James snapped out his daze, clearing his throat awkwardly and walking over to the benches himself, to get his own skates on. 

He sat down a little ways away from Regulus and tried his absolute hardest to resist the urge to look up at him again. 

When James was nearly finished tying his skates he heard the creak of the bench and felt the weight shift a little as Regulus must’ve gotten up to leave. James stopped what he was doing to watch Regulus moving toward the door looking just as graceful as he had done on the ice. 

James felt the itching need to say something, do something. The moment was too strange to simply leave at that but at the same time what was he supposed to say? Regulus might be a whole person to James but to Regulus James was nothing but another stranger. James struggled with his racing thoughts, his heart pounding wildly in his chest for reasons he couldn’t yet decipher. 

It was only when Regulus’ hand fell on the handle of the door out of the Arena that James found his voice.

“You were really good,” He blurted out before adding a small “on the ice just now, i mean” to clarify. He wondered if Regulus had even heard him since he stayed quiet for a moment, but he must have, as he paused with his hand just resting on the door handle. James waited with an odd sense of dread and anticipation.

When Regulus turned his head to look at James again his expression was just as neutral and cold as before but somehow James still thought he saw something, the tiniest hint of an emotion he could not identify, in those grey silver eyes as they studied James intently for a moment.

The corners of Regulus’ mouth tugged down ever so slightly, then, into the tiniest frown before he muttered a stony. “I know.” and promptly left the Arena. 

James just watched the door close shut with a bang that sounded deafeningly loud as it bounced between the walls of the empty arena. 

For a moment he just sat there, waiting for something to happen. He stared completely dumbfounded at the door. Nothing had happened, not really, and yet it felt like James’ entire world had just been turned upside down completely. 

When he was finally able to will himself to move, he didn’t bother trying to finish up tying his skates but instead looked up to the ice, staring at the white surface and the thin lines Regulus’ skates had left all over it. James’ eyes followed his trail around the ice. Followed the clean curves with his gaze and stared at how they stopped at one spot to continue at another, where Regulus had jumped. James recalled the way Regulus had skated. The way James had been completely taken even before he realised who it was he was looking at.

He recalled the way he moved on the ice as if he was born on it. So perfect and precise it was almost unhuman. 

For a moment James just held his breath to try and will his thoughts to stop running a thousand miles an hour. 

He wasn’t sure what had left him more stunned; Regulus himself or the way he had skated.

James had seen it and he had felt something. He felt something when he himself skated too, of course. When he played games. He felt adrenaline, and joy. He felt the coexisting thrill and ache running through his body when he’d get checked by another player. Nothing however compared to what James had just experienced. Regulus hadn't made James feel any of those things. it had been something else entirely. Something much more quiet and frail but even more all consuming. He felt the quiet yearning for it as he sat trying to recreate Regulus moves in his mind, but it was not the same at all.

James had always been a romantic. He always tried so hard to see the beauty in everything. Never however had he felt the beauty of something so deeply in his bones as when he saw Regulus Black skate for the first time and when James realised that that was in fact what had happened, he felt terror settle deep inside him.

How was he supposed to just practise now? How was he supposed to go on with his day?

What was he supposed to do ? What was he supposed to say to Sirius when he went home for dinner later? 

Sirius hadn’t talked about Regulus for the last three years . James wasn’t even sure if he had allowed himself to think of him, so how the fuck was James supposed to tell him that he was not only in town but at their fucking campus, just prancing around?

James had no idea but he knew it wouldn’t be easy. None of it would and yet he couldn’t help the small strange flicker of hope settling inside him as well. Cause maybe, just maybe , this was the final push they all needed. The push Sirius needed to finally confront everything that had happened. For him to finally let the wounds heal so they could breathe. 

Chapter Text

Regulus had texted his chauffeur that he was leaving as soon as he got into the locker room. Fifteen minutes later when he had showered and changed he walked out to see the familiar Black Cadillac Escalade parked close by, engine still running, ready to take him back home. He frowned as he walked up to it. The car had always been much too big and clunky for his taste, and he was surprised that his mother had gone with that exact model as she normally strived for a more subtle but elegantly wealthy kind of look. He’d never voice his distaste for the car of course. It wasn’t really important and he’d gotten strikes for lesser complaints so he thought it best not to try his luck with this one. 

“Short practise this time,” Leonard Thompson, - or Len as Regulus called him - the Blacks private chauffeur, remarked as Regulus slipped into the backseat, lazily throwing his bag onto the seat beside him. The brandy leather seat squeaked ever so slightly underneath Regulus as he made himself comfortable before shutting his door a bit too harshly and purposefully ignoring the glance Len sent him in the rearview mirror. 

“Yeah. Someone else came in for practice too” Regulus stated coldly, crossing his arms over his chest and turning his head to look out the tinted windows. Regulus thought back to the guy he’d found staring at him just moments prior and he found himself frowning again. He had no idea who the guy was though he really had tried to figure out if he did. The boy surely stared at him like he was supposed to know him. 

Regulus thought about his sun kissed skin and messy brown hair. He thought of his glasses and the big brown eyes behind them that had stared at Regulus not only like he knew him but as if he saw him. As if he could see right into Regulus’ soul. Regulus tried to recall if he’d ever seen the boy before but he was pretty certain he hadn’t. 

He was pretty sure he would remember if he had. Regulus didn’t meet very many people. He saw a lot of people, sure. Whether it was crowds or journalists or fans, but when it came to people he had actually talked to, people who knew him Regulus was almost sure he could count them on one hand. Regulus had always been sheltered, and it had been extreme the last year because of his unfortunate circumstances. 

Yes, Regulus was quite positive he had never seen the guy before. Surely, he would’ve remembered him, if not just for the fact that he was undeniably handsome. 

“Regulus?” Len said and suddenly Regulus realised he’d gotten lost in his thoughts. He looked down to see that he’d started picking at his fingers again though the bandages around them had stopped his attempt to pick apart his cuticles this time. He knew the effort wouldn’t do much in the end though. At some point he’d get annoyed and rip the bandages off, only for the cycle of the bad habit to start again.

“Tired?” Len asked, having noticed the way Regulus spaced out.

“Not really” Regulus lied. Of course he was fucking tired. He’d been woken up at 5 in the bloody morning to get ready for practice.  

“You sure? You look knackered.” Len pried and shot Regulus another worried glance through the rearview mirror as he pulled the car off the curb and started on the journey back to the Black home. Regulus did his best to ignore Len’s watchful gaze, only looking up to send him a sarcastic,

“Gee, thanks for telling me i look like shit, Len”

Len only chuckled dryly, used to Regulus’ attitude though his gaze lingered for a moment longer. 

He let Regulus stew in silence for a moment more before he spoke up again, this time a little more seriously.

“Really kid, tell me if it gets bad. We don’t want last year repeating itself” 

Regulus felt himself grind his teeth at that, his stomach churning a little as nasty flashbacks hit him again. When he answered this time all humour was gone. Regulus had never learned to deal with his anger properly. He was like a scared dog, biting every hand that tried to touch him, even if they were reaching out to help him.

“I don’t need help. I’ve got it under control” Regulus said, tone cold and harsh. It was the same words he’d told his mother so many times now. The same words he had told himself every night for months. Maybe if he repeated them it would actually make them true.

It was a promise he wasn’t sure he could keep. But he’d fight till the very end. He wouldn’t be weak. Weakness was a luxury Regulus could not afford.

Len didn’t speak the rest of the ride clearly taking the hint that Regulus was not going to discuss this any time soon. 

Regulus felt a little guilty. He actually did like Len. He trusted him as much as Regulus could afford to trust any adult. Len had been the family chauffeur since before Regulus was born. He had been a constant in Regulus’ life even when he felt like everything else was changing. Even when he was losing grip of everything else. Len understood Regulus in a way no one else did. He had watched as Regulus grew up, as someone right on the outside. He knew every nasty detail of the life Regulus lived. It wasn’t a very pretty one, but Regulus wasn’t complaining. He’d never been taught how to complain, only how to bow his head and obey. 

Regulus felt so stupid for pitying himself most days. He had money, he had connections, he had the life every other figure skater could only dream of. But that dream came with a hefty price tag, albeit one no one else truly knew, and some nights, when Regulus would lie in his bed in the dark in his only quiet moments he would realise he wasn’t sure if it was all worth it. He wondered if he had been offered all of this knowing the cost, if he hadn’t been born into it. Would he still have accepted it? 

Regulus couldn’t be sure. He had no idea what he wanted outside of his family, no idea who he even was without them. He wasn’t even sure what he was doing anymore or why he did it. 

Regulus had realised last year that he had no idea what he wanted. What he liked or disliked. He had no idea who he was beyond who he was supposed to be. Sometimes he wasn’t even sure his thoughts were his own and that scared him. Yet, at the same time there was something so oddly comforting about knowing what to think, what to do, what to say. Bowing your head and following orders instead of acting on your own free will even if that comfort came at the cost of his identity as a person. 

When they arrived at their destination a short fifteen minute drive later, Len stepped out first to go and open Regulus’ door. Even when he opened it, Regulus hesitated for a moment. Len waited patiently, not hurrying Regulus along. 

When Regulus had calmed the trembling of his hands, he withdrew a pill for the pain from the bottle in his bag. Prescriptions his mother had gotten him when he complained of his aching muscles, claiming it was too hard to practise last year. Some could see it as an act of love, of care . Regulus knew better than that. It was just another investment in him, another silent order to keep going, no matter what he felt. Regulus swallowed the pill dry before smoothing out his expression to hide the frown that had lingered on his face for the entirety of the car ride before stepping out. 

“Be careful with those, kid. They’re not gonna fix anything, not in the long run” Len said, nodding toward the pills in Regulus’ pocket when he looked up at the older man. Regulus only stared back at him, feeling the pills already starting to smooth out the worst of his pains. Both the physical and the mental ones. He offered Len a dry humourless smile. 

“Scared I'm gonna turn out to be a druggie, Len? I’m honoured of how highly you think of me, truly” 

Len only frowned ever so slightly at Regulus’ sarcasm, clearly not pleased with the answer. He looked like he had more to say but he kept his mouth shut, and Regulus looked away from him again to start up the stairs to his childhood home. 

When he stepped inside he was met with the familiar green tapestry and dark hardwood floors. Regulus couldn’t help but frown. These halls held too many memories for his liking. Both bad and good but he didn’t really care to make the distinction anymore. They all hurt the same. 

He’d been horrified to hear they were moving back, pleading with his mother not to. She had yelled at him, then, telling him it was all his fault. If he hadn’t pulled his “stunts” then they wouldn’t have to go back to the place. They wouldn’t have to hide out for all this time. He was told it was all temporary anyway. Even then he knew not to complain further. The decision was clearly already made and Regulus knew there was no fighting his parents’ decisions. Trying was useless and would only end up getting you hurt before ending up right where you started. 

Really they had moved back in there long ago, it had almost been a year but Regulus had spent the first eight months cooped up in a psych ward. He still shuddered thinking back to those eight long months. All grey bare rooms, smelling so sterile it was nauseating. He had hated that place so much that when he went back to his childhood home, he had nearly cried of joy seeing the locks on the bathroom door and his hoodies with the strings still attached. The joy was short lived of course as it didn’t take long for the ghosts of the past that resided in the home to catch up to him. Everything was so familiar in the most horrid way possible. Everything looked just how they’d left it years prior. Regulus did his best now not to look at the family portraits. 

They’d removed a lot the night Sirius had left. All proof that he had ever existed. But it didn’t matter how hard they scrubbed the floors or how many pictures they removed, Sirius’ presence still remained in the scuffs he’d made on the floor during their childhood and the square shaped dark spot on the door to his now empty room where the golden name plate had once hung. “Sirius Orion Black”.  

Sometimes Regulus caught himself stopping before the closed door, letting his fingers run over the small holes in the wood where the screws of the name plate had been. Sometimes he felt the urge to knock, to open the door and pretend he wouldn’t be met with barren walls. Pretend that maybe he’d hear a response and not the quiet that had seeped into the home over the years. 

Sirius still remained, if not in every little heartbreaking detail, then in the gaping hole he had left in Regulus’ life. 

Regulus felt himself hesitating even then as he walked past the door but he gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to stop and do it all over again.

He left you here to rot. He doesn’t care anymore. He never cared. Get over it. 

It didn’t take long for Walburga to call Regulus down from his room. He had barely managed to put down his things and sit down on the bed to breathe before a maid was knocking on the door, informing Regulus that his mother had requested his presence in the living room. 

It was so typical of her to not even walk up there herself to talk to her son. Still, he got up without further question, following the maid down into the living room. 

His mother sat in the armchair by the window when they came in, back turned to the rest of the room. She looked just like she always did, bun pulled up into a severe bun as she stared out onto the empty street with an equally empty gaze. She was clad in a simple black dress with a cup of tea in her hand. Regulus vaguely remembered the little teacup to be part of a delicate porcelain tea set. A family heirloom probably. They had a lot of those. His mother sure held it like it was. Her fingers held onto the small object with delicate fingers. Sometimes it was hard to believe that those same hands and fingers were the ones Regulus had received strikes from throughout the entirety of his life. He wondered why a teacup got to experience her careful embrace but not her own son. 

“Your son is here, Mrs. Black” The maid informed his mother before stepping back toward the door. 

Walburga didn’t turn in her seat, only lifting her hand up to wave dismissively at the maid. 

“Very well. Please, leave us then” She commanded easily and Regulus heard the quiet thump as the door shut closed behind him, the maid leaving them to their own. 

Regulus stood, a little nervous, in the middle of the room, fiddling absentmindedly with his hands. His mother always made him uneasy. He always tried his best to stay on her good side but sometimes if he hadn’t done something in a while it was like she looked actively for wrongdoings, punishing him randomly for the tiniest things. Walburga didn’t speak even as Regulus waited and eventually he got the hint and moved across the room as calmly as he could before sitting on the couch near his mother. 

When he sat down she turned a little in her seat to inspect him. He was glad he didn’t skip the shower at the rink even if he hated locker room showers. Surely, his mother would’ve only been annoyed to see him all sweaty and grimy from practice. Still he watched her gaze linger a little on his still wet hair, probably tousled from having hurried back home, before she made a slight face. Walburga hated messes, and she hated looking at things that looked messy. Regulus apparently looked messy a lot of the time. 

She took a sip of her tea before gazing at Regulus’ face again, from just over the rim of her teacup. The white porcelain of the cup stood in stark contrast to her hair, jet black like his own though it nearly matched her skin, pale and unblemished. 

“You’re back early” She stated cooly. It wasn’t a question but he knew she was asking for an explanation.

“Someone else came in. I don’t like sharing the ice” Regulus said, hoping his mother would understand. Judging from the disapproving look she sent him he didn’t think she did.

“Regulus, this isn’t the same as your old rink in London. We couldn’t rent it out just for you the entire day. The university doesn’t permit that.”

Regulus frowned a little. He wanted to tell her that if he had to choose he would’ve just stayed at the old rink. There he could practise alone all he wanted. How he liked it. He knew she wouldn’t like that answer though so he kept his mouth shut. 

“I know. I’ll go back to practise later if you want”

She nodded but didn’t look any more pleased.

“That’s exactly what you’ll do. You need to get into shape before you meet your new choreographer and coach next week” 

This made Regulus furrow his brow in slight confusion.

“What happened to Mr. Fedorov?” 

Regulus had been just fine with his old coach. He was a strict russian man, known all over the world for teaching some of the top figure skaters in the league. His practises were brutal, his teaching methods harsh but Regulus had built up great respect for the man, and knew he had benefited greatly from his practises with him. To hear that he would be getting a new coach greatly confused Regulus. He thought his mother had been more than pleased to have such a prestigious teacher for her son. 

Walburga made a slightly sour face as she put her cup down and regarded Regulus again.

“Mr. Fedorov dropped you last year Regulus” 

Regulus blinked for a moment before coming to his senses.

“I- What?” 

His mother only sighed in frustration at his lack of understanding. 

“Regulus, you do realise what your actions last year caused, don't you? You ruined your own reputation. You couldn’t possibly think a man of Fedorov’s reputation could keep up teaching you”

Regulus did his best to hold back the snarky comment he had in mind. 

“ Your actions ” 

Those were the words she had used and he despised her for it. He still didn’t see how any of last year’s events was something he had done willingly but she surely seemed to think so. 

“So what?… I’m not good enough for him anymore?” He asked. His mother only looked at him, unimpressed.

“No. You’re not.” 

Regulus nearly flinched at her harsh tone, but she continued, not showing any consideration to his hurt.

“What you did last year only proved to everyone how weak you were, Regulus. That’s why we had to move back here. To damage control. That’s why you’re getting a new coach and training at a university rink. You’re lucky your father has the connections he has, or else your career might’ve been over” 

Regulus swallowed, trying not to show the pain he felt stabbing in his gut. 

“That’s exactly why you need to be practising extra hard from now on. You’ve already spent enough time in recovery. Honestly I would've gotten you back on the ice earlier but those bloody doctors told me you weren’t ready. Now, I need you to prove to me and your father that our efforts weren’t in vain. Prove to us that you are actually capable of acting like anything but a spoiled child and take some responsibility in your life for once”

“But Maman-” Regulus started to protest. He thought it was unfair. He understood that last year was a failure, that he should’ve tried harder, but he thought the psych ward in itself was punishment enough. He didn’t need to be told he was acting like a child.

His mother only sent him a harsh glare.

“No buts, Regulus. Get back in your practice gear. I’ll inform Leonard that he is to take you back to Haverfield as soon as you are ready”

Regulus was about to protest again but the gaze his mother shot at him was so cold and annoyed that he shut his mouth immediately again. 

“Yes, Maman. I’ll get ready”

He was glad he took the painkiller then or else he might’ve grimaced at the pain in his muscles from the gruelling practices this morning. 

He knew he was out of shape. The eight months without being able to properly train had left his body a little less agile than it was before and starting up practises again this week had been harsh to say the least. He knew better than to defy his mothers words however so he had just dealt with the pain, swallowing as many painkillers as he safely could.

With a heavy mind he walked back up the stairs to retrieve a new set of practice clothing. He cursed underneath his breath at how ridiculous it was. Changing out, showering, and going back only to have to go back and practise again. 

Still, he wasted no time in getting ready. When he was finished he went into his drawer to fish out the bottle of Lamictals he was to take in the afternoon. He always frowned when looking at the array of bottles he’d come home from the psych ward with. 

He had memorised all of them. All side effects and benefits. Their doses and when he needed to take them. He hated looking at them because they were just another reminder of how weak he was. Not even able to function properly without being drugged up. Still, he had no wish to go back to how it was before so he took the bottle with him and left the others there for when he needed them. 

When he was finished he walked back down to meet Len by the car again. This time Len didn’t say anything at all, probably deciding that Regulus didn’t look like someone particularly interested in conversation. 

Practice was awkward to say the least. Regulus wasn’t used to practising with anyone present other than Mr. Fedorov. He hadn’t done so since when he was just starting out as an actual child. But of course there was nothing he could do about it. The other boy was still there when Regulus came back and Regulus did his best to just ignore him. 

“You’re back” The tan boy had said, fixing his glasses where they had slid down a little on his nose. Regulus wondered briefly whether the boy always wore glasses on the ice or if he took them on and off depending on the practicality. Regulus figured the guy was a hockey player, from his build and the way he skated. He was skilled on the ice and clearly used to it but it was totally different from how a figure skater would move. Regulus couldn’t imagine playing ice hockey with glasses would be very fun but then again he didn’t know all that much about hockey at all.

The other boy had jumped the board and headed for his own water on the bench while Regulus tied up his skates, hurriedly. Regulus wanted to get as far away from the boy as soon as possible for several reasons. 

Firstly he kept just staring at him. Regulus wasn’t sure if the other boy realised how obvious he was being but Regulus could see him out of the corner of his eye, constantly and rather unsubtly surveying him whenever he wasn’t looking. Regulus found it extremely odd, a little creepy even. At first he had wondered if maybe the boy liked him or something. If he was a fan of some sort and that was why he was staring. But he didn’t look at Regulus like he was admiring him, no, he looked like he was trying to figure something out. As if Regulus was some unsolvable puzzle.

Two minutes went by like that before Regulus had had enough. He looked up only for the boy to look away, clearly trying to pretend he hadn’t been staring again.

“What is it?” Regulus asked, curt with annoyance.

The boy looked at him again, a little startled of having been caught out probably. 

“Huh?” He said and Regulus needed to clench his fists not to snap at him.

“You’re staring,” Regulus said through gritted teeth, punctuating his words with wide eyes and a small shake of his head. 

The other boy opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself immediately. Regulus just stared with quiet irritation as he watched the other clearly struggling to find something to say. When he finally did settle on something it was quiet and hesitant.

“You - uh - you look familiar” 

Regulus couldn’t help but let out a huff of air in disbelief. Familiar? Seriously? That was just about the lamest excuse he had heard. A bad one too. Regulus just stared at the boy for a moment trying to decide whether or not he should call him out on his bullshit but decided in the end not to. He didn’t have time for this anyway. He just shook his head, getting up and putting on his gloves. 

As soon as he moved James looked a little startled as if he hadn’t expected Regulus to go.

“Wait no- sorry, i wasn’t trying to be rude” He said. Regulus ignored him, tugging on his gloves as fast as he could. 

“It’s just- I haven’t really seen you around and i was a little startled-” The boy continued on even as Regulus finished putting his gloves on and moved toward the boards to go onto the ice. 

“Just wait for a moment please-” The other boy called out right when Regulus put his hands on the board to jump it. Regulus felt himself hesitate. He sighed and after a moment he turned around despite himself. He was met with the boy just staring at him a little dumbfounded as if he hadn’t expected Regulus to actually listen.

“Fine, what is it?” Regulus said, already too impatient for this interaction.

The other boy swallowed. 

“I’m James.” He said, holding out a hand for Regulus to shake it. Regulus only looked at it. “I was a little weird, sorry about that. Not a lot of unfamiliar faces around here. Didn’t mean to startle you,”

“Not a lot of unfamiliar faces on a campus with a little under twenty thousand students?” Regulus asked, clearly not believing James for a second. James made a slight grimace, probably embarrassed but didn’t admit his own mistake.

“Uh yeah something like that”

Regulus stared at James and his outstretched arm for a moment. He didn’t like the boy one bit. He didn’t like the way he seemed overly friendly or the way he was obviously lying. He didn’t like the fact that despite all this he was undeniably and unbelievably attractive, his hair sticking to his forehead a little with sweat making his tan skin shimmer a little in the overhead lights. Regulus wouldn’t at all be surprised if he was popular. 

A friendly university hockey player who just so happened to also be extremely good looking? Yup, he was definitely a heartthrob to half the girls on campus. Regulus wanted nothing to do with someone like him. He ignored James' hand instead opting for a simple sarcastic, “Great to meet you, James” Before turning around and jumping the boards, to get on the ice. James didn’t try to stop him this time. He heard the other boy’s skates hit the ice behind him but when Regulus had made it to the other side of the arena and turned around, James had stayed on his side. 

Regulus studied James for a moment as he started practising on his own. He just wanted to make sure that James wouldn’t be using this time to stare at him again. James didn’t thankfully. This time he just got onto the ice and started doing actual drills on his end. 

Regulus frowned for a moment, finding the other boy to be completely strange but then went ahead and started stretching to get ready for his own practice. Normally he’d stretch on the benches as it was particularly harder to do on the ice but he’d been so occupied getting away from James that he hadn’t had time for it. 

Regulus didn’t know how long they practised. He never really kept track. It was all he did. Get up, go practice, go home and sleep. Sometimes his mother would have tutors come in just to make sure he didn’t end up a complete idiot, but he’d always been smart. 

They didn’t bother trying to get him into university. They all knew he was going to be a figure skater the rest of his life anyway. The school would just get in the way of his practising. 

Len had handed him his lunch in the car but he didn’t feel like eating it. He had lost his appetite almost completely recently. Probably another side effect that came with the drugs along with sudden bursts of nausea and dizziness. He knew he should consult this with his doctors but he really didn’t want them changing up his medicine more at this point. It would only start another long process of consultations and even more check-ups than the ones he already was forced to go to and Regulus really hated talking with the doctors.

They all made him feel like a little kid. They made him feel like he was sick. Regulus didn’t want to feel sick, he just wanted to feel normal. Granted, he’d never really felt normal in his entire life, but he’d rather just deal with the consequences of his current medication and go on unbothered. 

It was only hours later when Regulus heard other people walking into the arena that he finally stopped practising. He looked up to see a group of people coming from the entrance at the other side of the room.

“James!” One of them, a blonde girl, shouted before hurling herself over the boards and heading for James on the ice. “It's sunday, what're you doing here already?”

James looked a little embarrassed as he muttered something back to her that Regulus couldn’t hear from where he stood at the other side of the ice. 

Regulus realised then that the entire hockey team was probably about to train now. He decided that it was time to get off the ice then. Sharing with one person was already uncomfortable enough, he didn’t need to be in the way of a whole team. 

He skated down the ice past James and the girl hearing her let out a small,

“Fucking hell, he looks just like- OW!” 

Regulus ignored the both of them, not particularly interested in whoever he apparently looked like. 

He hurried over the boards and got his stuff on the benches. His mother would have to make do with the practice he’d gotten in today. Surely she couldn’t expect him to get in the way of the entire university hockey team.

He was about to leave when someone behind him spoke up. 

“Oh please don’t tell me we’re gonna have to share ice with poofs on the regular now”

Regulus knew it was about him and turned around to see a big muscular boy probably around his age with hair the colour of rust, gesturing toward him. 

Regulus narrowed his eyes standing up, straightening his back as he felt anger itch underneath his skin. This was exactly why he avoided fucking university rinks. Because sports idiots were a pain in the ass.

“ Excuse me?” Regulus said and the guy turned on him with a cruel smirk. Regulus knew he should’ve just ignored him. He was probably just trying to be an asshole but something about his comment had irked Regulus the wrong way completely.

“Don’t take this personally, mate, I’m just not interested in giving up our space so you can practise your pathetic excuse for a sport”

Regulus definitely did take that personally and he found himself stepping a bit closer to the guy, his gaze sharpening dangerously.

“Watch your mouth,” Regulus said.

He knew there was no use threatening this kid. He looked like he had at least 20 pounds on Regulus and he didn’t look even remotely intimidated when he answered.

“Or what? You gonna do a pretty little spin for me?” 

Regulus really was about to knock this guy’s teeth in, even if he’d lose the fight in the long run. At least he’d go down with the pleasure of having gotten a hit on this asshole. Regulus didn’t even get to respond though as a hand fell on the tall guy’s shoulder. 

“Let’s not throw insults around when you got bodychecked so hard you got a concussion last time we played Montrose, Ollie” James said with a small laugh. 

“Come on, James, you don’t wanna share ice with this pansy either do you?” Ollie said and Regulus nearly went for his throat right there. 

Ollie’s smile vanished however when James sent him a glare so sharp it shut him up immediately. Regulus wondered how the hell James managed that while still smiling. 

“How about you get on the ice with the others?” James said to Ollie who just nodded, though he couldn’t stop the tall boy from sending a mean glare in Regulus’ direction. Regulus sent him a glare just as cold in return.

James watched Ollie walk off and when he was far enough away, he turned to Regulus, his smile going a bit more apologetic.

“Sorry ‘bout that. Ollie’s just being an arse, i promise you he’s really not that bad normally”

Regulus raised an eyebrow and shot James an unconvinced look.

“I’m sure he’s a real charmer,” Regulus said, not bothering to mask the sarcasm before turning around on his heel to head for the locker rooms. 

James didn’t try stopping him and for that he was at least a little grateful. He didn’t need to speak to any of these people anymore than he already had. 

Fucking jocks Regulus thought as he walked outside, still feeling the pent up anger itching at him.

Len had parked the car just outside the arena as usual and when Regulus got in he sent him an approving nod.

“Did you remember to eat your lunch?” Len asked after only a minute of driving. He knew just like everyone else in the family of Regulus’ forgetfulness when it came to food. 

“Didn’t feel like it,” Regulus muttered dismissively. 

“Regulus..” Len said immediately and Regulus could hear the quiet disapproval in his voice. Regulus wanted to snap at him again. His anger wasn’t even done subsiding from the earlier interaction and he didn’t understand why Leonard even cared so much. 

He’d understand it if he was paid to care but he wasn’t. Regulus knew his mother wouldn’t care if Regulus fucking hated the guy, he’d still get to be the chauffeur so why did he need to care? 

“It’s probably one of those gross sandwiches she always gets the maid to make. I’m not eating it” 

Regulus said. It was an excuse, really. He didn't know what it was. Granted, it probably was one of the sandwiches and they were really just as bland as a piece of cardboard, thanks to his mom and her gruelling meal plans but he wouldn’t have eaten it even if it was something different.

“Still you have to eat. You can’t practise this much and not eat, kid” Len commented but Regulus only waved him off again.

“My mother doesn’t care, why should you?” He said and Len sent him a glance in the rearview mirror. He was frowning Regulus realised and he would probably feel bad if he wasn't still so pissed off. 

Len didn’t say anything else though. He just continued driving. Regulus resumed just staring out the window. 

He realised too late that they were not going the correct way home. 

“Wait, Len, this isn’t-” Regulus was about to comment when Len stopped the car. It was only when Regulus saw where they were parked that he realised where Len had taken him. 

They’d parked right outside a shop with a neon sign reading in big bold letters “ Little john’s pizzeria ”. Len didn’t get out right away this time, maybe because he knew exactly what Regulus’ reaction was going to be.

“No.” Regulus let out. Len sighed in the front seat.

“Either you eat that sandwich or you go in there and let me buy you some food.” Len said, his tone nothing but patient and kind. 

“No, I- Why?” Regulus said feeling completely dumbfounded. Rationally he knew Len was right. He did need to eat something. Even if he didn’t feel hungry thanks to his shitty meds he still should eat. Yet, Regulus was too stubborn to do this. He hated other people doing stuff for him. He hated it because it made him feel like a kid. Like he was incapable of doing stuff on his own.

“Look kid,” Len said, turning around in his seat to properly look at Regulus. Regulus looked away immediately. “I’m not trying to be doing too much here, but I've known you too long for this. I don’t feel right letting you go home on an empty stomach” 

Regulus just stared out the window. He glared at the stupid light up sign for the restaurant as if somehow that’d make it go away. When he didn’t reply Len sighed again. 

“I’d tell your mother but..” He paused and Regulus knew why. Leonard knew well enough what his mother was like. He’d seen the bruises on Regulus when he’d driven him to and from home, he’d heard the way his mother would yell at him for small mistakes. Len had never mentioned the obvious problem. He knew it wasn’t his place. He knew there wasn’t much he could do and he’d had this job too long to lose it. Maybe he had even grown attached to Regulus at this point. He knew that telling Regulus’ mother about him not wanting to eat his lunch wouldn’t end in anything pretty. “Well, i would rather not, let’s just say that” Len ended with. 

Regulus dropped his head into his hands, rubbing at his temples.

“So you won’t take me back before I eat something?”

Len hummed in agreement but added a small, “Can’t force you to do anything, kid. But it’d really make this old tosser feel a lot better if you’d just agree to something this once, though I know it pains you. Stubborn git” 

Regulus couldn’t help but let out a bitter snort at that. He looked up to find Len looking at him with kind eyes.

Leonard couldn’t be much older than Regulus’ parents, probably in his early fifties, with greying hair and a big bushy moustache. Despite his slightly ruggish appearance and his normal cool professionalism he had a very kind face. He looked like the kinds of dad’s you’d see on the telly in movies. Regulus wondered if Leonard had any kids of his own. He figured he would probably be a good dad with his quiet worrying and need to take care of Regulus even if he didn’t at all have to. 

Regulus felt bad as he looked at Len. He didn’t even look upset at Regulus, just a little tired. Regulus knew he was probably just doing all of this because he pitied him and though Regulus would normally rather jump off a cliff than let others pity him he just couldn’t say no to Len. Not this time. Not when he knew he’d had to deal with Regulus’ attitude problems the last 19 years. 

“Fine.” Regulus let out with an annoyed sigh, “But just know i’m only doing this cause i like you, Len” 

Len only chuckled “Whatever you say, kid” as they both got out of the car.

It took Regulus an embarrassing amount of time to figure out what he wanted to eat. Him and his family didn’t go out to eat very often and when they did they’d always go to stupid posh restaurants where you’d have to dress up real nice and book a table months in advance. This was not at all like any of those places and Regulus found himself wrinkling his nose at someone entering in a pair of cargo shorts, a t-shirt with visible sweat stains and ugly velcro sandals. This had earned him a chuckle from Leonard.

“Sorry i couldn’t take you to some five star restaurant, this was what was nearby” He said and Regulus had assured him it was fine. It wasn’t like he really enjoyed those restaurants he’d go to with his family anyway. The food was always served in weird little portions and named things he couldn’t even try to pronounce. This just definitely wasn’t what he was used to. 

In the end he just settled for a serving of fries and mayo, deciding that that was the safest choice. He didn’t want something particularly greasy. He hadn’t eaten anything like that for years. He reckoned the last time he ate anything remotely like fast food was when he had snuck out with Sirius as a teen and eaten at a burger place. Sirius had told him about how he always went there with the hockey team after games. He’d told Regulus he needed him to try it and of course it’d have to be in secret cause their parents would never allow it.

Regulus immediately pushed the memory aside, trying to ignore the way it made his chest feel a little tight with emotion.

Len didn’t comment on his choice of food. He just nodded curtly and went up to order for them. When he came back Regulus immediately realised how awkward this was. He had never had an actual conversation with Leonard outside of the ones they’d have in the car and those were almost always about his life. What he was doing, where he was going, what his mother had to say to him that day. Never had they had a conversation just to have one but now as Len sat opposite of him Regulus felt the need to say something. 

Len didn’t seem like he particularly needed there to be a conversation. He seemed content with just looking out the window as they waited and though Regulus would do that too he just felt too awkward to do so. He realised that while Len knew everything about him, he knew nothing about Leonard. He had no idea what his life was like, if he even had one outside of this job. It was pretty much a 24 hour gig, he had always lived close by or on the property in accommodation paid for by Regulus’ family but still sometimes he did get days off. Regulus wondered where he went on those days off.  Regulus ended up blurting out the first thing that came to mind.

“So, do you have any kids?” Regulus asked after having cleared his throat awkwardly. 

Len looked up then, and for a moment his smile turned almost a little sad. Regulus wondered if he had said something wrong.

“I do. A girl. Sarah. But she, uh, she moved in with her mum after our divorce.” 

Immediately Regulus felt horrible for his choice of question. Of course there was a reason Leonard hadn’t ever talked about his family. 

“Oh I'm sorry I… I didn’t mean to be rude” Regulus muttered but Len only shook his head, still smiling though he still looked a little sad.

“Don’t be. S’not your fault, I er-… I wasn't the best dad. Wasn’t ready to take the responsibility. She’s living on her own now. I see her every once in a while when we both have the time and i’m happy with that” 

Regulus wasn’t sure how anyone could be happy with just that. He knew his parents were awful but still he didn’t think his parents could live with only seeing him “every once in a while”. Then he thought about Sirius. At how quickly they moved on. How quickly they got over him. He was their child too. 

Regulus wondered if they would’ve done the same if he had been the one to leave. 

He wasn’t sure. 

“Oh well that’s good then.” Regulus said still feeling incredibly awkward but needing to do something else than sit in silence with his thoughts that were quickly going places he didn’t want to explore further. 

Len nodded.

“Mm. You remind me a bit of her, you know.” He said pointing at Regulus with the menu card that he was still holding in his hand.

“I do?” Regulus asked.

“Yeah. You’re a quiet kid like she used to be. Stubborn too. She got that from her mother. A great woman i tell you”

“Oh” Regulus said. He didn’t really know what the proper response to that was supposed to be and he couldn’t really come up with one so Len would have to do with “oh”. Len didn’t seem to mind. He only smiled a little.

“You’re a good kid, Regulus. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise” Len said. He was still smiling but Regulus could see the honesty in his eyes. He meant this. Regulus felt uncomfortable.

Leonard was being so nice, too nice. He was saying things Regulus had dreamt of hearing his entire life and yet now as he was hearing them it was so hard. Regulus looked away, trying his best to hide the fact that he was about to fucking cry.

What is wrong with you? He thought. 

Still, it took him a good while to compose himself. Leonard didn’t say anything, even when Regulus looked back up to him, his eyes still a little watery despite his best efforts.

Leonard just kind of… looked at him like he saw something Regulus didn’t. He looked a little sad almost but that wasn’t the entirety of it. He looked like he wanted to say something but just then a waitress yelled out their order from the counter.

“Sounds like that’s ours” Leonard said, with a small sigh as he got up to go collect their food. 

When he came back with Regulus’ fries and his own burger none of them spoke. Regulus hadn’t lied when he said he didn’t feel like eating but the fries were pretty good and it’d be a shame to let them go to waste. Still he didn’t complain too much when Len reached out and stole a few of them. 

When they were done eating around twenty minutes later, Len dug out his wallet from his pocket and made to get up. Immediately Regulus’ arm shot out to stop him.

“No, Len, you don’t have to pay. Really, i’ll pay for it” 

Len smiled but shook his head, taking hold of Regulus' hand to gently place it back on the table.

“I’ll pay, Regulus. I want to” 

Regulus wanted to protest but reluctantly he nodded and let Len walk up to the counter.

The drive back to the house was awkwardly quiet but Len seemed happy enough, whistling along to the songs on the radio. For the remaining ten minutes Regulus just leaned back into the leather seat and thought about the interaction.

Len said he hadn’t been a very good dad. Regulus didn’t think that could be entirely true. Len seemed so… nice . So fatherly. Regulus thought about his own parents. They had always been there, provided for him but suddenly Regulus realised that this might be the first time in years he felt genuinely cared for. It was only when a tear hit his leg he realised he had started crying. 

He didn’t stop the tears. He let himself cry quietly. It felt a little odd at first. Regulus hadn’t really cried in a long time. He hadn’t allowed himself to cry. But now it just felt oddly good.

He only wiped the tears from his face with a quiet sniffle when the car stopped outside his home. If Len noticed his puffy eyes as he got out of the car he didn’t comment on it. It was only when Regulus was about to walk up to the door that Len stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

Regulus turned around to see Len staring at him with a small bittersweet smile. He looked like he wanted to say something but in the end he just sighed and gave Regulus a slight pat before dropping his hand. 

“Stay safe, kid” He muttered before turning around and heading back to the car.

Chapter Text

James felt embarrassment seep into his bones as soon as Regulus turned and left out the door.

Anger was all he felt as he turned around to face his team. As he looked at Oliver standing talking proudly with Chris Mulciber and Lucius Malfoy. James tried his best to push it down as he plastered a casual smile back on his face.

“Alright team, Let’s get started on the meeting right away. Coach Hooch is running a little late before practice but i know she’ll have my head if the lot of you are still dicking around by the time she arrives”

Everyone nodded their heads quickly at his order, slowly starting to move toward the middle of the ice to gather round. Some with groans of exhaustion others with more excitement. James stayed back for a moment to watch them. Oliver stayed back too.

“You sure dicking around is the term you wanna use, captain?” Oliver asked with an annoyingly smug expression.

James turned to him and tried his best not to frown.

“What do you mean?” He asked, watching Oliver’s smile grow a little, tugging up dangerously at the corners.

“Well it’s just with the way you were defending that skater just now, one would think you would be the one out of all of us ‘ dicking around ’ the most” He lifted up his hand then and stuck his tongue to the side of his cheek, imitating a blowjob. 

James couldn’t stop the frown any longer. He knew he should leave Oliver be. The freshman had been trying to get a rise out of just about anyone on the team ever since he arrived. James would’ve dropped him immediately if he wasn’t such a good defenseman. He knew he should just ignore his rude comments. Hockey was, as any sport was, filled with boys like Oliver. Overconfident pricks. Still, James couldn’t let it go that easy.

He thought of all the insults Sirius and Remus still got sometimes. How some people seemed to still hold the opinion that James was their friend only out of ‘pity’ because surely a popular hockey bloke couldn’t actually want to be around the queer losers could he? James was nearly seeing red by the time he answered Oliver. He dug his nails into his palms as he tried to keep his tone as jovial as possible.

“Just trying not to be an arse, Ollie. You should try it sometime” 

James had not meant the comment as a joke. He really would like to see Oliver Goyle do anything other in his free time than being just about the most insufferable person James had ever met. Apparently he had succeeded in being jovial though. Enough to the point that Oliver had been able to take his insult as a friendly jab. He laughed before punching James lightly in the shoulder. 

“Whatever you say, Potter. Just trying to make sure our captain isn’t going soft” 

He walked off then to join the others. James watched his back, as he let the frown settle into the folds of his face. 

He thought back to how Regulus had looked right before he intercepted the two of them. He stood at least one and a half heads shorter but still he had looked like he could’ve decked Oliver any moment. James slightly regretted not just letting him. He wouldn’t at all have minded watching someone get a good punch in on the guy. Maybe then that annoying smirk he always sported would finally be wiped off his face. He was ripped out of his thoughts and his fantasies of watching Oliver getting punched when Marlene called out to him from where the rest of his teammates had already gathered together by now. 

“Oi!  Potter! You joining your own team meeting or?”

It was only when James unlocked the door to his flat that evening that he remembered his awful predicament. It took about two seconds of him just getting inside the door and starting to kick off his shoes before Sirius was jumping on him. 

“James! Finally, ” He exclaimed with a big grin. “You need to save me from Remus. He won’t stop talking about his nerd stuff,” 

“I can hear you, arsehole!” Remus exclaimed from somewhere around the corner, probably in the kitchen preparing food, judging from the pleasant smell of sizzling meat and spices. 

Sirius rolled his eyes where he stood in front of James who was still trying to shrug off his jacket, but his smile remained.

“Anyway, how’d the meeting go? Are Oliver and his goons still as insufferably idiotic as the last time I met them?” 

James nodded slowly, trying his best to let out a chuckle.

“Yeah - uh - yeah they’re still the same, unfortunately”

Sirius smiled at that, seemingly pleased as he moved away from him and further into the flat, starting on a rant about his own day. He’d gotten a new professor recently and this was about the fifth time he was complaining about how boring he was. 

James moved just inside the room too, only to stop by the nearest wall and lean onto it. He watched Sirius ramble and for a moment James found himself not able to think about anything else but every single way Sirius looked just like his brother.

It was startling really. How vastly he could stand in contrast to Regulus while also mirroring him completely. They were so similar in appearance but at the same time they couldn’t be further from each other. Sirius was so loud and expressive and cheerful. James had only just met Regulus today but from what he had been able to gather Regulus had very much been none of those things with his stoic expression and curt answers.

James found himself completely torn up. He had no idea how to bring it up to Sirius that “Hey! So remember the brother you’ve been trying to act like you never had for three years? The one whose guts you hate. Funny, really, cause i met him at the rink just now!” 

James knew that it was probably best to keep it from Sirius all together. He knew that the conversation wouldn’t go over well. He knew Sirius would shut down completely. At the same time, though, James Potter could not lie for the life of him. He hated keeping the truth from others. Hated trying to manoeuvre around things, even the tiniest little things. He was laughably bad at it too.

And if he couldn’t even keep small secrets to himself then how the hell was he supposed to keep something this big from Sirius? His best friend in the entire world. The one person he told everything to. James didn’t want to do that. He hated even the idea of it. He already felt like he was doing something wrong just standing there. He had been around Sirius for all of a couple minutes now and he was already feeling like a liar. He could feel the need for honesty itching in his throat. He could feel the way the truth was desperately banging on the insides of his chest begging to be let out.

He lasted only a minute more before it just burst out of him.

“Hey, uh, Sirius there’s something i have to tell you” James interrupted Sirius in the middle of his retelling of an episode with his professor. He didn’t think he had said it very loudly but still Sirius immediately quieted, looking up to James with a considering look. He took one glance at James, at his conflicted expression and immediately he was leaning forward in his chair, with all the kindness and worry in the world.

“Yeah, mate, sure. What is it?” 

James knew it was now he should back out. Knew it was now he should just mutter “nevermind” and let everything go back to normal. He also knew that he was way past that point already. 

He paused for a minute, taking in Sirius’ kind and worried expression for a moment more before the words just fell out past the border of his lips.

“It’s about your brother, Sirius” 

He watched the immediate change in Sirius. It was scary honestly. In the matter of milliseconds Sirius was sitting up in his chair, back ramrod straight and every limb tense. His expression turned cold immediately, his defences shutting down in an instant. His voice was devoid of any emotion, a far cry from anything James had ever known Sirius to be, when he responded harshly.

“I don’t have a brother, James”

James sighed slightly. He knew this was going to happen. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy. He knew Sirius would only try and shut down on him. The last conversation they’d had about Regulus was three years ago and back then James had been promising never to speak of him again. Now he was breaking that promise and it felt horrible to say the least.

Remus seemed to notice the change in Sirius’ tone too, turning around where he stood in the kitchen, abandoning the task of cutting up an onion to look at the both of them, clearly worried. James innerly cursed at himself. Shit . Remus was there too. This really was the worst time to have this talk. He wasn’t sure whether Remus even had any idea Regulus existed. James had no idea how much Sirius had let him in on his family situation yet. He wasn’t sure he had let him in on anything at all. It would be very much like Sirius to have avoided the topic of his family completely. He’d gotten very good at that over the years.

“Sirius, you know i wouldn’t be bringing it up if it wasn’t important, but, Regulus, he-”

“Don’t you dare say his fucking name again, James. He is not my brother anymore” Sirius had his hands on the table now, fists clenched so hard his knuckles were turning white.

Remus had gone completely silent in the kitchen. He just watched the two of them, worried, and very confused. He probably had a thousand questions. He didn’t voice any of them now however, probably deciding that that could wait. 

James brought a hand up to rub at his forehead in frustration. How was he supposed to go around doing the right thing and telling Sirius if he wouldn’t even let him get a sentence out? When James dropped his hand he decided there was no point trying to beat around the bush at this point. If he wanted to do this then he’d just have to be blunt. 

“He’s here, Sirius. He was at the rink just now” 

Several emotions flashed across Sirius’ face just then. So fast that James couldn’t identify any of them. When one did stick however he identified it immediately. Sirius was angry. No, scratch that, he was fucking furious. 

“He’s what ?” Sirius said through gritted teeth, annunciating the two words so harshly James could feel them. Sirius was glaring at him now. Eye Contact burning holes into James’ skin. James knew it wasn’t him that Sirius was angry at though. Still, he decided to keep his distance while they talked. Sirius didn’t very much like people getting too close when he was this worked up. 

“He was at the rink today. I couldn’t tell you why. I have no idea if he’s coming back tomorrow but he was there and i needed to tell you, Sirius”

Sirius stared at him for a long time then. So long that Remus sent James a slightly panicked look clearly saying What the fuck is going on? . James felt slightly bad for him but he couldn’t explain. Not now while Sirius was still just staring at him and James had no idea whether he was going to yell or fight or just stay silent.

“Please don’t be mad at me, Pads” James said, suddenly afraid that Sirius might be angry at him. He didn’t know what to do with his silence. It was odd. James almost always knew what to do in these situations. He was good at helping people. He was good at cheering them up when they were sad. Usually when Sirius was sad or frustrated it didn’t take too much to do that. 

But usually Sirius wasn’t this angry. Usually his anger was loud. James had never seen him this quiet. This upset. Not since the day Regulus decided to ghost him. 

“I’m going to fucking murder him”

Sirius muttered quietly under his breath through gritted teeth but it was hard not to hear him in the quiet that had seeped into the room. Suddenly James realised he wasn’t mad at him at all. He wasn’t even thinking about James right then.

“Pads…” James said. He didn’t know what else to say. But Sirius had already started to shake his head in quiet denial and when James looked at him he realised quiet tears had started streaming down his face.

It was startling to say the least. Sirius never cried. He never allowed himself to. James hadn’t seen Sirius cry in years and the sight only twisted in his stomach further.

“So- so what? He stops talking to me for three fucking years… he acts like i never existed and then what? He just fucking shows up?” Sirius rambled, probably mostly to himself.

He was staring at the table by then, still shaking his head in furious disbelief, and it was heart wrenching to watch. It ached somewhere deep inside James to see the hurt and disbelief in Sirius’ eyes, wild and wide and filled to the brim with tears dripping onto the dinner table. James wanted nothing more than to fix it. He wanted to say just the right thing that would make Sirius not cry anymore. Only he had no idea what that would be. He didn’t know how to fix it. He knew he couldn’t fix it cause it wasn’t his to fix. Still, it didn’t feel any less horrible having to watch Sirius crumble in front of him.

Remus tried moving to Sirius’ side.

“Sirius, what-” He put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder and immediately Sirius’ head snapped up. 

“Don’t.” He hissed, jerking away out of Remus’ reach. 

Remus flinched back, his hand stopping somewhere mid air. The flicker that went over his face was clear and Sirius must have caught it too cause immediately he grimaced. 

“I’m sorry, Remus- i just- i can’t-” He tried his best to apologise but his voice cracked whenever he tried. In the end he got up in a jerky motion. “I need to get out.”

Immediately Sirius started for the door, stomping past James. Remus stayed standing where he was just watching him, dumbfounded. James turned around to see his friend furiously forcing his feet into his doc martens.

“Sirius, please-” James tried but it was no use.

“Save it James. I can’t do this right now.”

In two seconds more he was out of the door, slamming it behind himself. James stood frozen in his spot, listening to Sirius’ angry stomps echo down the apartment complex’s hallway before fading away completely as he exited the building. 

When James finally snapped out of his stupor he moved for the door too, intending to go after Sirius. He was stopped by a gentle hand on his arm. 

Turning around he saw Remus staring back at him, with startled but nonetheless kind eyes, his lips pressed together tightly.

“Give him a moment to cool off, James”

James shook his head a little. He knew Remus was right. He knew Sirius didn’t want to talk to him right now. But he felt so guilty. Somehow he felt like this was all his fault and he had no idea how to deal with it. He didn’t know how to deal with Sirius when he got like this. Didn’t know what to do when Sirius shut him out. He just wanted to fix it. Fix everything so they could just have dinner together like they were supposed to. 

“But he’s all alone and what if-” James started with an excuse but Remus only shook his head gently.

“He’s fine James. He can handle himself”

“But…” James started again, feeling guilt and sadness clawing at his insides. “Remus what if he doesn’t come back?”

Remus gave him a slight sympathetic smile. Remus was always good at that. He was always so good at being so gentle when you needed it the most. James wasn’t even sure if the boy knew it himself.

“He’ll come back, James. He always comes to back”

James hesitated for a moment, just staring at Remus. Then he dropped the hand he still had on his jacket and nodded. Remus was right. Sirius would come back. He just needed a little time. 

The two of them ate alone in silence. James tried to call Sirius to tell him they would be eating now. His call was denied immediately and seconds later he’d gotten a short text.

Sirius: Need more time. Sorry.

James sent back a reply immediately. He never got one back.

James: Okay. Just come home when you’re ready, Pads. You can always knock on my door if you need anything, you know that.

Sitting at the dinner table James tried his best to savour Remus’ meal. It really was a lovely dish. He had always been a much better cook than James or Sirius. Even if James thought himself to be relatively good in the kitchen. 

He tried his best to enjoy it. It wasn’t working very well though. Every bite he took just tasted bland and he knew it wasn’t Remus’ fault. It was just so hard to enjoy anything when he knew Sirius’ was still roaming around, probably somewhere on the massive campus grounds. 

Remus didn’t ask any questions. Didn’t even try to get an explanation out of James even though he was probably dying to get one. James was grateful. He felt bad for Remus of course but he just… he couldn’t explain anything. Not right then.

When they’d finished eating, Remus insisted on doing the dishes, telling James to go and try to sleep.

James had protested but gave up after two tries. 

When he laid down in bed he really did try to sleep. He really tried. It didn’t work though.

He wasn’t sure how long he laid just staring up at his ceiling.

He thought about everything. He thought about all the awful memories he’d tried his best to repress over the years. He thought about the night Sirius had come knocking at his door in the middle of the night, shivering and soaking wet, having left his home behind for good.

James and his parents had let him inside without questions and even as he ended up sitting in James’ bed with a spare change of clothes on and blanket wrapped tightly around him he said nothing. He’d spent ages just sitting there shaking quietly, staring at the wall. James had sat with him, content with waiting as long as it took him to be ready to talk or go to bed. He didn’t even ask questions about the fact that Sirius had clearly been crying or about the nasty black eye that was just starting to form. 

When Sirius did finally speak he didn’t say much but James understood it.

“I’m never going back, James. I can’t. They won’t have me back i- He said If i went then i was no longer a son of his” Sirius didn’t have to say another word. James leapt forward trying not to crush Sirius in the hug. He hadn’t said anything for the rest of that night, James hadn’t either. He had just let Sirius cry into his shoulder until eventually he fell asleep. 

Nothing however matched the true devastation Sirus faced when only two days later, he was informed by a single text from his brother that they had left to move to London without him. Without even telling him. Only confirming that they really did not view him as a son anymore. 

When James finally heard the sound of the front door opening he glanced at the digital clock on his bedside table, the bright numbers on the little screen telling him it was 03:00 in the morning. 

James turned to stare at his ceiling again, waiting with his breath caught in his throat.

When he heard a quiet knock on his bedroom door moments later, he sat up in bed immediately.

“Come in,” He let out, as quietly as he could while still loud enough for Sirius to hear outside his door. He wasn’t sure if Remus had fallen asleep. He probably hadn’t with his boyfriend not being home yet, but James still didn’t want to wake him on the off chance that he was actually getting some well deserved sleep.

When Sirius stepped inside James tried his best not to stare too much at his appearance. James had seen Sirius look worse for wear plenty of times. He’d been at Sirius’ side at when he got too drunk and puked his guts out on the grimy floor of some bar. He’d seen Sirius high off his fucking mind the few times he’d tried weed. He’d seen him after getting into a fight with some asshole, with a bleeding nose, a black eye and an adrenaline fueled smile, assuring James that the other guy looked even worse.

It had been a long long time however since James had seen Sirius look like this . His clothes dishevelled and his hair all tussled from the number of times Sirius must’ve furiously run his hand through it. It was dark in the room but even in the moonlight faintly filtering in through the blinds James could see Sirius’ puffy red eyes. The worst of all however was the way he looked so small. So defeated and broken in a way that was just so entirely unlike him. It was so off, so different from how he normally was and James hated seeing him look like that.

Sirius quietly closed the door behind him and went to sit on the edge of James bed, staring at the wall. 

It was quiet for a long time. James had no problem waiting. He’d do whatever Sirius needed him to do. Whatever he could do to make Sirius feel just at least a little bit better.

When Sirius finally decided the quiet had gotten to be too much, he sighed heavily and sniffled.

“I thought acting like he never existed would help, Prongs.” Sirius said, and James felt his stomach tie itself into knots at the sound of his voice. Raw and hoarse from crying. Quiet and defeated as if he truly had nothing left in him. He said nothing though. He could tell Sirius wasn’t finished and he didn’t want to risk saying something that would make Sirius shut down on him again.

“I thought eventually it would hurt a little less. Eventually i’d be able to leave him in the past with the rest of my family”

He paused then. James felt himself hold his breath. He knew what was coming next. It still didn’t make it any easier.

“But it never did. It hurts so fucking much still, James. I still love him so much and i- i don’t know what to do with that. It fucking hurts and i hate him- i want to hate him but i just… it just… I still think about him all the time and i don’t hate him. I can’t fucking hate him. I can’t let him go”

James scooted a little closer, still making sure not to touch Sirius though. In moments  like these he wasn’t always too fond of being touched.

“He’s your brother, Sirius” James tried, quietly. “Of course you still love him”

Sirius only shook his head.

“You don’t understand, James i-” He paused. Stopping himself as he took another moment to stare at the wall.

Then he looked up at James and oh James didn’t know what to do with the agony that passed through him cause Sirius wasn’t angry anymore. He was just broken. And just then he looked so much like he had that day, at sixteen years old, having just been abandoned by his entire family.

“I still blame myself. I can’t help thinking that this might all be my fault. I can’t help thinking that if maybe I stayed… maybe if I had just tried a little harder, if i had been a better brother then maybe- maybe-” He stopped then, not able to continue. James understood. 

It was a horrible thought process. One James wished he could entirely erase from Sirius’ mind. Cause James knew he tried his best. He did love his brother, he had loved him with the entirety of his wounded heart. He had spent so many years blaming himself for something that was out of his control. Blaming himself for taking care of himself and not being able to take care of another person also. 

James wished he could make Sirius realise that it wasn’t his fault. He wished he could make him realise that he was just a kid as well. He was a scared kid who had no idea what to do. He had done all that he could. But it was no use.

“I just wish I could have him back, James. And i hate myself for it”

James frowned. 

“You can have him back, Sirius. He’s here now. Maybe if you two talk it’ll all-”

“ No .” Sirius’ voice was firm but not angry anymore. Just resolute.

James was confused but stayed quiet. After a few moments Sirius explained.

“I-... Don’t tell him I'm here, James. Don’t even tell him you know me just… i- i can’t see him. It’s been too long and i don’t want to get my hopes up only to lose my brother a second time”

“But Sirius…” James tried, not understanding his thought process. How on earth did it make sense to pretend that Regulus wasn’t right there? But Sirius only shook his head.

“No, James. Regulus made his choice years ago. Him being here doesn’t change that. He doesn’t even know I go here. The brother I had is gone. He’s not coming back. If he doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore then i’m not going to waste my time trying to force him”

James wanted to protest. He just couldn’t understand. Sirius wanted his brother back. He wanted his brother back more than anything. Now he was here. He had the chance and he didn’t want to take it?

At the same time though James could see that Sirius had made up his mind already. There was no arguing about it. 

James might not understand but how was he supposed to? He’d never had an actual sibling. Sure, he had Sirius who he definitely saw as his brother by then but that was an entirely different thing. Sirius had always been James’ best friend. He was there because he wanted to. He had chosen to be in James’ life. Sirius and Regulus hadn’t chosen to be brothers.

James also had no idea what the burden of their home life must feel like. He had watched from the outside for years and he’d seen the coldness of Sirius’ parents first hand many times but he was still just a spectator. James had grown up with nothing but love surrounding him. He had never had to make the choice to choose his family, choose to love them, it had all just been handed to him.

Sirius’ and Regulus’ life was completely different. They had had to fight to love each other. They both had to choose between the acceptance of their family and the love they had for each other, and they made two opposing decisions. James had no idea what that must do to someone. To have to choose between your parents and your own brother. He couldn’t even begin to understand such a dilemma, so he kept his mouth shut.

“I sat outside the arena for an hour, James,” Sirius said after a little while, quietly. 

James looked up at him.

“Outside the arena?” He questioned. 

Sirius hadn’t been there in a long time. He’d watched some of James’ games and sometimes he’d come pick up James from practice but Sirius never liked to stay there long. Maybe it reminded him too much of his past. 

“Mhm” Sirius hummed as he nodded.  He was staring at his fingers now, turning his rings around his fingers absentmindedly. 

“Maybe he was in there. Maybe he wasn’t at all, I don't know but I just…” Sirius hesitated, holding his breath for a second before letting it go in a sigh. The sound was like nails on a chalkboard to James. Cutting through the silence in the most heartbreakingly lonely way. “I wanted to go in. I wanted to see him. Wanted to ask him why he did everything, just so i wouldn’t have to torture myself with not knowing, not understanding what i did wrong.”

James couldn’t help the grimace he made at Sirius’ words. Still, he tried his best to stay quiet. To be the silent pillar of support Sirius needed so badly. The unconditional support he’d never had from his own family growing up.

“At the same time I just couldn’t go in… I don't even know what I was more afraid of. Seeing him and realising that he really did hate me or not finding him there at all.”

James wanted to weep. He wanted to weep for Sirius’ sake. He wanted to hold him in his arms and take on the burden for him. Cause how was he supposed to just sit there and listen to him saying such things and then just be completely fine with it?

When Sirius finally decided to leave James’ side and head for his and Remus’ room it was almost 4 in the morning. Remus must not have been able to sleep either cause as soon James heard the closing of their bedroom door he heard the quiet muttering of their voices.

He hoped Sirius would explain everything to Remus. James knew that Remus would give him all the love and support he needed. He had always been a better listener than James even if James really did try his hardest. It was just so hard to have to sit and hear Sirius’ doubts and not bud in to make it better, to fix it. Remus had always been better at that. Listening quietly. Only speaking up at the right times when it was absolutely needed. James hoped that Sirius would let him in. He hoped that he by then had realised that Remus did love him and that he’d love every part of him too, even the ones he deemed too ugly to be loved.

James knew Remus loved Sirius. Really loved him. He didn’t even need to hear it cause he could see it. He could feel it whenever he looked at the pair.

He remembered the first time he met Remus. Sirius had been so excited when he’d invited James to have dinner with them at a café. James had felt so guilty for the scepticism he felt inside at the mention of the other boy. It was a little silly, James supposed now, but he’d always been a little territorial when it came to Sirius. He had seen him be screwed over by the people he trusted, people who were supposed to love him, too many times and he couldn’t bear to see it happen again. So he couldn’t help but feel a little antsy when Sirius had announced that he was seeing someone. 

It had always just been him and Sirius. Sirius had had many hookups by the time he met Remus but James had never seen him actually commit to anyone. He’d never seen him really let anybody in. Looking back on it James realised that this wasn’t a thing he should’ve been happy about. Despite Sirius’ upbringing he still should’ve had the chance to have silly highschool crushes, a magical first kiss and a first heartbreak sometime before he had already turned twenty. But Sirius had never gotten any of that. 

James knew his best friend’s first kiss was with a girl he’d pretended to date for his parents sake when he was 14 because they were starting to ask questions about why he didn’t seem interested in girls at all. He knew his first actual crush had been on a boy from his hockey team named David, when they were fifteen but even that hadn’t been very enjoyable. Sirius hadn’t been able to enjoy the longing glances or the butterflies. He was too riddled with guilt and shame of not being able to live up to the role of the son his parents so desperately wanted. Everything Sirius should have had during his childhood had been stolen from him and maybe James was scared that Remus would steal his first relationship too. That Sirius had chosen to trust the wrong person and that his first relationship would end up as just another lifelong regret. 

James remembered showing up to the café way earlier than he needed to. Sirius and Remus hadn’t even arrived yet. He had been too nervous to stay back at his room, too conflicted about the whole thing. He had no idea whether to be happy on Sirius' behalf or terrified. 

And then Remus and Sirius had arrived, waltzing in through the door not noticing him at first and in the very first second of the glimpse he got of the pair he realised he had worried about absolutely nothing. 

Remus had opened the door to the café for Sirius, gesturing for him to go first in an overly gentleman-ly sort of way. Sirius had giggled at him, going first as he was prompted to but shoving Remus in the shoulder playfully when he followed behind. Sirius was still laughing when they had finally made it to the table and even when Sirius had started to introduce James, it had taken Remus a few moments more to pull his gaze away from Sirius’ smile.

James knew then that he had nothing to fear. He could tell from even a glance that Remus saw just how precious Sirius was. That he treasured his happiness just as much as James himself did. 

Still, James knew it wouldn’t be as easy for Sirius to realise this himself. He still had years of self-loathing and guilt to undo. Insecurities that still crept into his perception of himself but he hoped that with each passing day, Remus would help him undo them little by little. Filling the spaces of hate with his silent admiration and love. 

When James fell asleep he dreamed of living in a cottage surrounded by serene fields and comforting chirps of birds outside his window. He dreamed of his mum cooking Rajma in the kitchen and his dad setting up the table for them. He dreamed of Remus and Sirius in the garden. Remus reading underneath a large oak tree while Sirius laid in his lap, retelling a story Remus had for sure heard before though he still listened attentively. James dreamed of a place where they could all be happy and loved and at peace.

And then another image entirely snuck into the landscape of his dreams. It morphed slowly, the fields and sunlight giving way until he imagined himself in the empty university arena. Suddenly all he saw was pale skin and jet black hair darting past him on the ice. He swore he felt the cold of the room and the whirl of wind as Regulus Black skated past him in elegant swirls. 

He found himself watching Regulus skate underneath a spotlight. He was unable to take his eyes off of him, unable to pull himself out of the beautiful illusion, the story Regulus told with his entire body as he moved. 

When Regulus finally stopped right in front of him, James stared into his cold empty eyes and he wondered whether anybody had ever told him how beautifully he skated. He wondered if anybody had ever loved him like Remus was loving Sirius. He looked into the pits of grey and saw the kid in that family picture Sirius had shown him, with his mother’s hand possessively draped over his shoulder. He saw a little kid all alone in a big house without his big brother to protect him. 

Regulus opened his mouth to speak and James felt every bone in his body shiver.

“Wake up, James,” He said but it was not Regulus speaking. It was his face but that wasn’t how he sounded, was it? 

“James wake up, you have classes” 

“What?” James said but Regulus didn’t move.

“James, Wake up. You’re going to be late”

James woke with a startle to see grey eyes staring back at him. His vision was blurry, without his glasses on and for a moment he was confused. Why was Regulus there? 

Then he realised it wasn't Regulus at all.

Sirius had a hand on his shoulder gently waking him. He smiled a little when James finally blinked back at him.

“Morning” He said. 

James didn’t stay anything he just stared at Sirius blankly trying to comprehend what had just happened. He just dreamed of Regulus. He dreamed of Regulus. That was weird, right, wasn’t it? 

“Morning.” He croaked out after a second. Sirius stood up then, going to James’ closet and digging through his clothing. 

James just stared at him again. Stared at his back. For some reason he felt guilty. 

Why did he feel so guilty? So dirty.

James shook his head slightly. No. it was perfectly normal. They’d talked about Regulus all night after all. It was only natural to dream of him. It was just his brain taking the things he last thought about and creating weird pictures. It was nothing. It had to be nothing. Surely.

“What are you doing?” He asked when Sirius started throwing a pair of Jeans onto his bed.

Sirius only looked over his shoulder for a moment.

“I’m helping you not be late, Tosser. Thank me later”

James glanced at the clock, squinting to see the numbers and realised Sirius was right. He was about to be late. Immediately he sat up straight, reaching for his glasses on the nightstand. 

James was never late. He always woke up early. But then again normally he didn’t spend his entire night waiting up for Sirius. 

“Thanks, mate” He said standing up to put on the tshirt and Jeans Sirius had picked out for him. 

Sirius moved over to lean in the doorframe, watching him get dressed in a hurry. When James was finished he turned to Sirius. 

Sirius was still smiling but there was something else there. Something a little more fragile.

“Sorry. For last night.” Sirius said. His tone was as casual as he could muster. Sirius had never been very good at apologies. “I got a little caught up in the moment”

James dismissed his apology immediately with a wave of his hand.

“Don’t even worry about it mate. I - uhm- I’m glad we talked, you know.” James felt a little awkward. He still didn't know how to go about the topic. He wasn’t sure whether Sirius wanted to just bury it down again. Pretend it never happened. 

“Yeah, me too” Sirius said, nodding a little, as he stared off into the empty space behind James. James wondered if he was thinking about Regulus still. If he had dreamed about him too. Quickly however Sirius snapped out of it again, shaking his head a little and straightening up. 

“Anyway, Remus made breakfast before he headed off to his own class. You can just grab some before we go”

“Yeah. thanks” James said, nodding a little awkwardly. It was strange. He never felt awkward around Sirius but suddenly it seemed there was this weird unspoken thing between them and he didn’t know to go about it at all. 

When they finally made it out the door, James with a breakfast bagel in hand and Sirius at his side back to normal, whining about having to see the professor he had already deemed as his new arch nemesis. 

James tried his best to listen but it was so hard when he couldn't stop looking at Sirius and remembering the dream he had. How he had dreamed of his little brother. How he had liked the dream.

But it was probably all normal, right? It wasn’t like it meant anything. He’d probably forget about it by the time he made it to class and then they could pretend none of this ever happened. 

Chapter Text

When Regulus woke up it was with a heavy sigh. 

That seemed to have become his routine by then. Wake up and then sigh about waking up. Sigh as he saw he hasn't magically been transported to somewhere else like he childishly wished every time he awoke, just before his eyes fluttered open. He had no idea when he realised he was stuck. 

Maybe it was during some of his early childhood years that he didn’t remember. He liked to tell himself that no one remembered anything before the age of 10. That that’s just how memory works. He knew it probably wasn't true. He remembered his therapist at the psych ward frowning when he’d told her. How she’d talked about it being a trauma response. Some weird way of protecting yourself from unpleasant memories. Regulus had rolled his eyes at her then.

He didn’t need a shrink to tell him his childhood had been shitty. He didn’t need someone reminding him that he had probably been abused. That he probably still was being abused. He knew it. Of course, he did. He was 19 and he wasn’t stupid. It didn’t make it any easier to admit though. So for now he just wouldn’t.

The therapist had tried all she could to pry into his mind and pull out the inner workings of him and his childhood. She had asked him questions thinly veiled as “encouragements to share”. Regulus hadn’t fallen for the trick. He told her everything he had to tell her. Just enough so that she’d feel she was fixing something but not enough for her to keep him there. Not anything his mother could get mad at him for telling her. 

The therapist had told him that anything he said would stay in that room. Regulus didn’t trust her. He didn’t trust such sentiments at all. He had told himself plenty of times that his mother wouldn’t find out about stuff. That surely he had been careful enough but somehow she always found out. 

Maybe he realised he was stuck when Sirius left. 

Suddenly he was all alone. It wasn’t just a feeling like it had been before. It was a reality. Well and truly alone.

His mother didn’t give him a proper meal for a week. She locked him in his room for seven whole days, sure that he must know more of Sirius’ sudden disappearance. Regulus had sworn he didn’t. She hadn’t listened. She never listened. She decided what her desired version of the truth was and then she’d do anything to be affirmed in that. 

She had only let him out on the seventh day when the family maid had found him so malnourished he had passed out on the bed. She had given him just enough food to survive on, every day, but the last two days he didn’t eat anything at all. He figured if he was dying then she had to let him out. And despite how horrible it was, it had worked hadn’t it? 

His mother still didn’t believe him though. Punishments during those three months we’re brutal. She was so mad at Sirius. Mad at Regulus too as she was convinced he was lying to her and since Sirius wasn’t there anymore, Regulus had had to endure the wrath for both him and his brother.

The thing that hurt him most, however, wasn’t his mother’s wrong assumption that he knew about Sirius’ departure. What hurt was that he wished he had. He wished his brother would’ve told him. He wished he knew where he was, why he went, why he didn’t even say goodbye. But he didn’t 

The only thing he had woken up to was his mother’s angry screams and a single bracelet lying right outside his door. It was a silver one, with a little pendant. Half of a heart. 

He still wore it then, at 19, but sometimes he felt it burn into his skin when he thought about it. Part of him hated it. Hated that that was all his brother had to give him after 14 fucking years. All he got was a shitty friendship bracelet. 

Still, a part of him wondered if Sirius still wore the other half. If he never took it off just like Regulus didn’t. If it burned on his skin too. 

He knew Sirius had worn it for the first two years after he left at least.

It had taken him two whole months before he responded to any of Regulus’ texts. By then Regulus had started to resent him. He didn’t ask any questions about the night he left. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to hear some stupid excuse. Especially not after he found out he went to his stupid friend’s house. Regulus had never met him but he was so angry at the other boy. What might he have that Regulus didn’t?

What made him so special that Sirius would rather spend the rest of his life with him and instead settle for speaking to his actual brother through text messages only. 

Regulus sat up in his bed at that point. It was always best to begin moving when memories started creeping up on him. If he didn’t start moving he’d only get caught up in them. He’d only grow even more depressed and he didn’t have time for that.

Breakfast with his parents was just as grey and gloomy as it always was but at least no one was angry at him. That was always a plus.

“Mange, Regulus. Tu manges toujours si peu.” His father said, being the first to cut through the thick silence. 

Walburga had sent her husband a slight glare then. 

“He’s fine . Eating too much before practising isn’t good anyway. It only makes him slower” She said, sending a glance Regulus’ way to tell him to agree with her or else.

“Uh yeah dad, it’s fine. I eat a lot during lunch to make up for it. Pas besoin de s'inquiéter pour moi,” It was a lie of course but he really didn’t have much of an appetite and if he had to choose between his father’s disapproval or his mother’s right now he would much rather take his father’s.

Orion frowned at the two of them ganging up on him. He hated being told he was wrong.

“Il est si maigre, Walburga. Il ressemble plus à un enfant qu'à un homme.” His father argued, gesturing towards Regulus with his fork. Regulus tried not to take offense. He knew his father didn’t mean to be insulting. Still, the statement still made Regulus feel just a little bit more awful about himself. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard something like it. He’d heard throughout his entire life. Not only from his father either. 

“He looks how a figure skater should look, Orion.” Said his mother, voice a little sharp. 

Regulus knew he had always been smaller, skinnier than the other boys his age. And though his mother was right in the fact that most figure skaters were “skinnier”, and more lean than many of their counterparts especially in the world of sports, Regulus also knew that even there he was considered a little too small. 

He knew he’d been mistaken for a girl many times on the ice. In fact after a particular post online was published about him resembling his female peers more than the male ones his mother had immediately implemented the rule that he would not under any circumstances be allowed to grow his hair longer than to the ear. Regulus was disappointed. He had liked the longer hair he’d gotten to sport when he was 17 and he really didn’t mind being called a girl all that much. It didn’t really matter did it? His female peers were talented, and skilled on the ice, and he’d much rather have the insults be focused on his looks than his skills. He’d take being called “girlish” over being called untalented any day. 

His mother however seemed endlessly annoyed with the sentiment.

“Êtes-vous en train de me dire que tous les patineurs artistiques doivent maintenant avoir l'air anorexiques ?” Orion said with a disbelieving chuckle, before nodding toward Regulus again. “Regarde-le, Walburga. C'est un putain de squelette.”

Regulus had never understood why his father insisted on speaking French and why his mother insisted on responding in english. He knew that both of them knew both languages so why they could never seem to agree on just one was beyond him. It was like they wanted to always be at odds with each other. As if they wanted to fight about something, anything, whenever they spoke, which honestly was very little, except for at the dinner table.

Regulus wasn’t sure what evil demon decided to bring his parents together in the first place. His grandparents apparently. He would never understand why though. His parents seemed like they hated each other. They hardly spoke and when they did they almost always argued. How they managed to spend time together long enough to have two children Regulus had no idea. Maybe they did actually love each other back then. He doubted it.

“He’s fine , Orion. Now can we please just have a nice breakfast, instead of fighting?” Walburga hissed.

Regulus kept his head low trying his best to disappear. To just melt right into his chair. He’d rather keep out of the argument knowing that if worse came to worst he would be the only one to take the punches for it. 

His father looked like he wasn’t finished with the argument, holding up his butterknife toward Walburga almost as if he was about to threaten her. Walburga only stared back with her characteristic eyebrow raise. Eventually, Orion lowered the knife and went back to eating, scraping at his plate angrily with his utensils.

“C'est ce que j'obtiens en t'épousant. Chaque jour, c'est la même chose.” He muttered to himself as he shook his head in annoyance. 

Regulus knew his mother could hear him. He knew she could understand his father’s words just as well as Regulus could. She ignored him completely though. She ate another piece of her pastry before turning to Regulus again.

“Your father managed to fetch the practise programme for the Harvinster Hockey Team, so you can practise when they aren’t on the rink. Of course I still can’t promise you that there won’t be other people entirely. It is still free for anyone to use outside of their practise hours”

“Yeah. Thanks” Regulus muttered. He didn’t really care all that much but at least this meant he might be able to avoid those idiot jocks for the most part. He really didn’t fancy meeting Ollie again anytime soon.

His mother glanced up at the clock, then, before clicking her tongue when she saw the time.

“It’s almost 6 am, Regulus. You should get ready to go. Leonard will wait for you outside by 6:30. I expect you to be at the rink by 7 at the latest”

And so Regulus found himself at the rink at 6:45. Predictably no one else was there when he arrived, the thud of his backpack hitting the benches echoing through the empty arena. The only good thing about getting up at the crack of dawn was that at least he was sure to get the first few hours alone while students were either not up yet or getting ready for classes. 

There was nothing Regulus loved more than an empty rink. It was the only moment he would get to feel truly at peace, truly alone in his mind but in the most oddly comforting way. It was as if his mind just went blank as soon as his skates hit the ice and he welcomed the numbness with his arms wide open.

Regulus went through his training program as he always did. It was the same thing everytime. He had it mapped out in his head.

• Warm up for 20 minutes
• Jump practice for 45 minutes
• Spin practice for 30 minutes
• Footwork and edge quality. 30 minutes. 
• 2 or 3 full run throughs of short and long programs.
• Cool down for 10 minutes while he watched over the videos of his run throughs picking out every little detail. Every wrong step where he could do better.

Then he’d go over his mistakes again and again until he felt he had accomplished enough for the day.

Regulus was in the midst of perfecting his triple lutz going over the jump again and again when he heard the sound of doors opening. He stopped and turned his body to see James stepping into the arena.

Regulus frowned when he saw him. The boy had a duffle bag slung over his shoulder which he threw onto the benches right beside Regulus’ own stuff casually. He had sweats and a faded black shirt on with a band Regulus didn’t recognise. His hair was slightly ruffled, untamed waves swirling around his head and his glasses sat slightly askew. James looked like everything Regulus hated. Messy and careless. The worst part being that he still looked good, somehow.

James stopped to look up at Regulus too. 

For a moment they kind of just stared at each other. For some odd reason Regulus didn’t want to be the first to look away. Maybe it was his competitive nature but something about James just made him want to one up him constantly. For some reason he felt like he needed to prove himself to him.

It was rather strange. Regulus hadn’t felt like he needed to please anyone other than his parents and judges for competitions in a long time. Everyone else was inconsequential. Just mere distractions from the real importances. 

But James felt different. James made Regulus’ skin crawl and Regulus had no idea why. He had met plenty of sports guys throughout his life, some worse than others. James was no different in theory. But he felt… important. As if the world should somehow revolve around him. Regulus didn’t like it one bit. 

Eventually James was the one to look away. He moved to sit down and put on his skates. Regulus turned away with a triumphant smirk. 

They didn’t talk this time at all. In fact, James seemed adamant on steering clear of Regulus completely, a far cry from yesterday. Regulus didn’t mind too much. He liked being able to focus on his practising. But still, he wondered what brought about the sudden change. The day before James had seemed nearly desperate in his attempt for Regulus to simply acknowledge him. Now out of nowhere it seemed he wanted to remain completely out of Regulus’ reach.

The looks however hadn’t stopped. Regulus still noticed James’ gaze on him every now and then whenever he skated. He’d gotten better at hiding it, only looking up momentarily to watch as Regulus practised different sequences, and immediately looking away when Regulus stopped again. Still, with him being the only other person Regulus noticed.

Regulus couldn’t help but feel James' eyes on him when he skated. He couldn’t help but feel like James saw something he didn’t. He had no idea what might make him so fascinating to the other boy. Surely he couldn’t have been the only figure skater he’d seen. Yet he felt James observing him silently. Watching him as if he was something .

Regulus had fought his entire life for people to look at him. For people to see him when he performed. His entire life he’d spent trying to keep people’s eyes on him when he skated. He’d begged with his efforts that one day his parents, his mother would finally look at him the way James did. Like he was doing something right. Yet, now he wanted nothing more than for James to ignore him completely. It was too strange, too foreign for someone to watch him so intently when he wasn’t even performing. 

When Regulus made to leave that day, he turned around right before jumping the boards. He wasn’t sure why he did it. He always ignored others. He was always disinterested in their opinion if it wasn’t a professional one. But something in him needed to see James. Something in him needed to understand what the other boy saw when he looked at him. Why would James, a university hockey player, who seemed to have a whole flurry of friends, a team, a whole life so far removed from Regulus, be entranced by watching him go over his quad jumps for the seven hundredth time? 

He wasn’t surprised to find James looking at him when he turned. What did surprise him however was that this time James didn’t look away. He didn’t even bother to try and pretend he hadn’t been observing him. 

As soon as they made eye contact, Regulus shuddered. James’ gaze was far off. He was looking at him but not as if he was seeing just Regulus in his practice clothing about to leave the arena. An ordinary sight. James looked as if he was in another world entirely. As if he was seeing something so beyond what Regulus was. He looked at him like you would an old friend. Someone you hadn’t seen in years. James looked at Regulus as if just the sight of him awoke long lost memories. Memories of pinky promises and times long passed.

But James and Regulus had never met each other. Regulus had never been a part of James’ life. They shared no memories, no sentiments or times to remember. 

He left after that. He didn’t need to see anymore. James made him uncomfortable because part of him felt like he was missing some hidden context entirely. 

James stared at him like he mattered. 

Regulus hadn’t felt like he mattered his entire life. 

“Can we go somewhere other than home?” Regulus said when he entered the Cadillac that day. It wasn’t an entirely unusual request in itself. But coming from Regulus it sure was strange. Regulus knew he was supposed to go straight home. He always went home after practice. He had no friends to meet up with, no other matters to attend to, and Regulus never really entertained the idea of being interested in doing anything other than what he normally did. Regulus never strayed from his routine. Today he felt like he had to. He had to do something, to shake off the unsettling feeling James had given him. 

Len gave him a quick look in the rearview mirror but nodded nonetheless. 

“Sure, kid. Where do you wanna go?” 

Regulus sighed looking out the window, as he watched the hockey team arrive at the arena, walking in to practise. He didn’t know where he wanted to go. He never made decisions for himself. He never had to. Not even something as simple as this.

“I don’t know. Just somewhere quiet I guess” he muttered.

“Somewhere quiet it is then” Len confirmed, as he pulled the car off the curb. 

They ended up at some park not too far away from campus. Len asked Regulus if he wanted him to come with but Regulus declined. He liked Len and he had realised yesterday that maybe he should talk more with him outside of their trips. Maybe he could even be a friend of sorts but right then Regulus needed to be alone. 

Walking through the park he sucked in a deep breath of air and breathed in a way he felt like he hadn’t for years. For the first time in years he let himself just be for a moment and didn’t try to think about what he was supposed to be doing. He let himself breathe in air that wasn’t coated with the thick scent of sanitizer of the psych ward or the dusty heavy smell of his family home. 

There weren’t very many people in the park. Which made sense seeing as it was around 4 pm on a normal school day. Most people were probably just getting off work or finishing up classes and the ones that had already finished were relaxing at home. 

Still, he wasn’t completely alone. On a bench to the right of him sat a rather peculiar looking girl. Her dark bronze skin stood in stark contrast to the pale white curls of her hair, which were pulled up into a bun, held together with green silk ribbon. She had her legs folded up underneath her in a sort of childish position while she read with her brows slightly furrowed in concentration. Regulus couldn’t help but stare at her.

She stuck out like a sore thumb but at the same time it felt she belonged exactly where she was. She belonged on that bench, with sunlight filtering through the trees letting small specks of light dance over her skin. It made sense for her to be accompanied by the singing of birds and the distant laughter of kids playing on a swing set. Yet, at the same time it felt like she didn’t belong in real life at all. She looked like something straight out of a children's book or a movie, plucked straight from the mind of an artist. 

She didn’t even look up when Regulus moved over and plopped down beside her at the opposite side of the bench. Perhaps she was too entranced with her book. He glanced at it trying to figure out what a girl like her might be reading. 

He almost snorted when he saw the title of the book. 

“Alice in wonderland”  

Of course a girl this whimsical looking was reading Alice in wonderland in a public park as if she really was the cool protagonist of some obscure indie movie Regulus would probably never watch. He hadn’t really watched a movie in years. He didn’t have time for it. He had practises and when he wasn’t practising he was worrying about practising, or his parents, or Sirius, and oh god he was worrying again, wasn’t he?

He decided to just look around then. Maybe that would stop his mind from wandering. If he could just find something else to distract himself with. 

His gaze wandered over the tranquil park before it landed on the playground a few hundred metres away. 

On the swing set sat a boy. He couldn’t be more than five. His legs were stretched out in front of him as he swung back and forth with a wide grin on his face. Regulus watched him for a while. Watched him swing back and forth back and forth. Suddenly the kid shifted, getting ready to jump. When he finally did, he landed in the gravel in front of him hard, falling forward onto his knees. Immediately his smile morphed into a loud cry. 

In an instant his mother who had been standing just nearby rushed toward him. She was there almost immediately wrapping her arms around the boy, surrounding him in a protective cocoon with her arms. She brushed away his hair, wiping tears off his cheeks as she whispered calming words to the boy. When she started blowing on his wounds to make it better Regulus had to avert his gaze completely. 

He felt the violent sting of jealousy sink deep into his heart. It felt like an old friend, wrapping its cold fingers around his throat making it harder to breathe. He tried his best to push away nasty memories of his mother’s cold hands and stinging slaps. He tried not to feel bitter, cause it was so childish being jealous of some five year old in the park. It was so stupid mourning something as fleeting as his own childhood. He had told himself for years that he was fine with it. He was fine with not having had the experience of being coddled or wrapped up in blankets before bed. It had served him well, he told himself. He had turned out stronger, better , without it. He had learned early that love was something to be earned and not something to just expect. But the truth was he still sometimes wondered what his life would’ve been like if his parents had been a little nicer to him.

At least he had Sirius during those first years of his life. As much as he hated him for leaving he would never forget the nights he would read for him to try and drown out the sound of their parents fighting downstairs or when he’d stay up late just to show Regulus all the stars, spending hours just teaching him everything he knew about the constellations. He’d never forget his kindness and patience even if it hurt now. Even if the memories remained a little tainted with the bitter ache of regret. 

Sometimes Regulus still wondered if maybe he had been a little better then maybe Sirius wouldn’t have left. Sometimes he still felt like it was partly his fault. That he hadn’t made himself a good enough reason to stay. 

“Are you okay?” 

Regulus sat up with a start. It was only when he looked up to see the girl beside him staring at him, with her brows knitted together in worry that he realised he had started hyperventilating rather loudly. 

“Shit, sorry. Yeah I'm good” Regulus said, swallowing the large lump in his throat and trying to ignore the way he sounded very obviously out of breath.

The girl offered him a kind smile then.

“You don’t have to say you’re fine if you’re not, y’know. I’m just a stranger anyway right? No need to pretend for strangers”

Regulus nodded. He supposed that made sense, although he still didn’t feel very comfortable with the fact that a stranger had just had to watch him verging on a panic attack. And over what too? Seeing a five year old and his mother? Really, he needed to get his shit together. 

“Really i’m fine it’s just… long day i guess” Regulus mumbled, trying his best to look as fine as possible.

The girl nodded beside him but didn’t look very convinced. A moment later she was digging through the pockets of her dress before finally she held out a little red hard candy wrapped up in clear plastic. 

Regulus looked between her and the candy for a few moments. When he didn’t take it she laughed. Regulus nearly shuddered. Her laugh sounded like the chirping birds above them. Like the first rays of summer sun. If the bloom of the first flower in spring had a sound it would probably sound something akin to this girl’s laugh. 

“Go on. Take it. I always keep them on me in case i feel a little down”

Hesitantly Regulus reached up and took the candy from her. He unwrapped it carefully, trying to ignore the warnings of “don’t take candy offered from strangers” he’d heard throughout his childhood. When it hit his tongue he was met with the synthetic taste of strawberry. It was odd. Regulus didn’t think he’d eaten candy like this since he was maybe nine and he definitely wasn’t a very big fan of this exact flavour but he didn’t have it in him to spit it out when the girl was still looking at him with a pleased smile playing on her lips. 

“What’s your name?” She said after a few seconds of silence.

“Regulus” He answered, the name slightly slurred from still having the candy in his mouth. 

At the mention of his name though she seemed to perk up, her eyes lighting up with an almost childlike excitement.

“Oh that’s a cool name! It's a star right?” She said, jumping slightly in joy where she sat as Regulus nodded. “I love that! My name’s Pandora so usually i’m the one with the strange name but Regulus is definitely more interesting”

“It is?” Regulus asked. He didn’t think his name was very interesting at all. Sure it was a little cool to be named after a star maybe but almost everyone in his family had astronomy related names. 

Pandora however only nodded excitedly, clearly more enthusiastic about the name than Regulus himself was.

“Oh definitely! I love unique names. It adds character you know,” Regulus just nodded along though he wasn’t sure at all what character he was supposed to have gained from his name. 

“Is it like a family thing then? Cause for me it’s honestly so weird, cause my brother, Evan, has such a normal name and then there’s me.”

“Yeah it’s kind of a family thing,” Regulus muttered. As much as he didn’t mind talking about names he really wasn’t much up for discussing his family right now. 

“Cool,” She muttered, nodding slightly, with a big smile still plastered on her face. She looked like she was about to say something more but suddenly she looked behind Regulus, and paused.

“Oh i think someone’s here for you,” 

Regulus quirked a brow but turned around nonetheless, to find Len approaching the two of them. Len smiled a little as he looked between Pandora and Regulus for a moment, before making to stand right in front of them.

“Making friends, kid? You really are venturing outside your comfort zone today, aren’t ya?” The chauffeur laughed, kindly. Regulus rolled his eyes at him.

“Shove it, Len” He mumbled a little embarrassed. Len laughed but nodded at Regulus anyway. 

“Well, as much as i enjoy seeing you spend some time outside, your mother called” Len’s smile dimmed down a little as he got to that last part. Regulus felt himself frown a little too. It was a cruel reminder that even in these little pockets of peace he’d find, there was simply no escaping his mother’s reach. “She wanted to know when you were coming home. Not trying to rush you, just thought you should know” Len said.

Regulus nodded, solemnly. “Yeah i’ll uh meet you by the car in ten” 

Len nodded, satisfied with that answer and started back towards the car again. Regulus couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him. 

“Overbearing parents?” Pandora asked. 

“Something like it,” Regulus muttered. 

Pandora just nodded, her smile a little smaller now. 

“Who was he?” She nodded toward where Len had just stood moments ago. 

“Who? Len?” Regulus asked. Pandora nodded. 

“Oh just my chauffeur,” Regulus said with a small shrug, as he looked toward the leaves fluttering in the wind above them. He’d savour these last 10 minutes before he went home as best he could. 

When Pandora went oddly quietly beside him however, he turned to look at her. She was just staring at him with a slightly amused smile and her eyes narrowed as if she was trying to figure something out. Suddenly Regulus felt self conscious. Had he said something strange? He didn’t think he had.

“What?” He asked, looking around him awkwardly. 

She let out an amused huff of air.

“You’re kidding right?”

“Kidding?” Regulus asked, his brows knitting together in confusion.

“That guy wasn’t actually your private chauffeur was he?”

“Yes?” Regulus answered and apparently that was funny enough to make Pandora break into a fit of giggles. Regulus just stared at her in quiet confusion. 

When she finally came to again, she looked at him, still smiling.

“I’m sorry, I've just never met anyone who actually has a private chauffeur. What are you? Like a celebrity or something? Are you secretly famous and not telling me about it?” She narrowed her eyes at him playfully.

Regulus thought that over for a moment. He didn’t consider himself famous by any means. Back in London he did sometimes have paparazzis follow him around but really it was a rare occurrence. He knew there were articles about him on the internet but he would much rather nobody ever read those. They wouldn’t find anything very nice about him anyway. 

He decided not to tell Pandora about it, instead opting for an easier answer.

“I don’t think so. My parents are just a tad bit… eccentric i guess”

Pandora considered him for a moment more but seemed pleased enough with the answer in the end, her smile widening ever so slightly.

“They must be,” She said before letting the silence hang slightly between them. 

Eventually Regulus grew too antsy to let it just be so he started to get up, brushing away imaginary dirt from his pants.

“I should probably go but it was nice - uh - meeting you, Pandora” He said, suddenly feeling oddly awkward. 

Pandora nodded but still let out a small, “wait for just one second,”

Regulus did as she said, waiting for a moment as he watched her rip out a small corner of a page of her book and scribble something on it. When she was finished she folded it up and held it out for Regulus to take it. Regulus felt himself quirk a brow.

“What’s that?” He said, taking the small piece of paper.

“My number,” She said easily, before shrugging, “You’re interesting, Regulus. Figured we could be friends maybe, if you wanted to,” 

Regulus blinked at her for a few moments before asking a little dumbly,
“Friends?” 

“Yeah. Friends, Regulus. You know when two people talk and hang out sometimes. Maybe you’re familiar with the concept,” Pandora giggled.

Regulus nodded though he still felt a little out of it.

“Right… Friends.” He said, looking down at the small piece of paper in his hands. He stood there for a moment more before Pandora spoke up again.

“Did you want to go or?...” Pandora said with a slightly teasing smile. Regulus’ gaze snapped up to her as he broke out of the sudden trance he had found himself in. 

“Right, yeah, I'll just get going then. So - uh - yeah..” He said, awkwardly forcing himself to move away from Pandora.

“Bye, Regulus.” She said, still smiling brighter than ever, “And remember to text me!” She called out when he was a little ways down the path. He looked back toward her, hesitating for a moment as he tried to muster up a small smile. 

When Regulus got back to the car still clutching the little note tightly in his hand Len was standing outside it smoking a cigarette. He regarded Regulus with a small smile as he approached, nodding at him when Regulus opened the door to the backseat to get in.

“Who’s the girl?” Len asked when he had stubbed out his cigarette and gotten into the front seat. 

“Just a…” Regulus started but hesitated. He knew what he had been about to say. Just a stranger. It was what he would normally say. It was what he’d say if he was still sticking to his routine of ignoring everyone around him. But part of him didn’t want to do that. He had only talked with Pandora for about 20 minutes but still she had been able to give him more peace than he had achieved on his own in years. She didn’t deserve to be disregarded like that. 

Glancing down at the note and opening it up to see a string of numbers written in scribbled hasty cursive, Regulus swallowed before answering again.

“Just a friend.” He said and he let the word resonate within the car. Friend . It was something so small, so silly. But somehow it was special. It felt special to Regulus. He wasn’t sure if he had ever had a friend. He had had Sirius but Sirius was his brother first and foremost and it wasn’t like they were friends anymore. But maybe just maybe he could let Pandora in a little. Maybe he could see himself not hating the idea of actually texting her, meeting up with her in the park on boring days, talking to her about anything that came to mind. 

And that was something wasn’t it?

Chapter Text

When the week came to an end James was exhausted. Regulus was still showing up at the rink every single day, spending all hours there, except the ones the hockey team reserved for practices. James supposed he must’ve gotten their schedule from someone cause he always left right before his teammates arrived. At least that meant he and Ollie wouldn’t get into another fight but still James couldn’t help his growing unease every time he showed up to the rink to see the boy skating around. 

It was becoming painfully clear that Regulus was staying. For how long James wasn’t sure, but it sure didn’t look like he was going to leave anytime soon. James tried his best to ignore Regulus entirely. It was too strange to try and talk to him when he looked like the spitting image of Sirius. When James felt guilty every time he looked at him.

The situation was just too bizarre. James was the best friend of the brother Regulus hadn’t talked to for three entire years and the other boy had no idea. To him, James was another stranger. James couldn’t help but feel like a horrible person whenever he thought about it. He wished Sirius wouldn’t have made him keep it a secret from Regulus that he knew him. He wished Sirius would just try and at least talk to him, so James wouldn’t have to feel like such a liar. 

Sirius had made his choice though. Ever since the night James had told Sirius about Regulus, he had gone back to normal again, as if nothing happened. Well, almost, at least. 

James could tell that Sirius was just as freaked out, as he was, knowing that Regulus was in town, let alone on campus grounds. It had not gone unnoticed by either Remus or James that Sirius stayed inside the flat unless it was absolutely necessary to go out. They noticed the way he took the shortcuts to his classes, and avoided spending too much time outside on the campus grounds. They noticed the way he had thrown himself into his schoolwork completely. Stressing over it to an almost concerning extent. 

It was obvious to everyone around that Sirius was trying desperately to avoid his brother at all cost. Physically of course he avoided him, making sure there was nearly no way he’d run into him accidentally but it seemed he was also trying to outrun the mere thought of him. None of them mentioned it however. Remus had decided to let Sirius be for now, only really budding in to nag at him, reminding him to at least eat a little while he locked himself in their room to study and practise the guitar. 

James had seen Sirius do this a couple times before. He knew how it ended. Eventually Sirius was going to crash and burn. He couldn’t outrun his feelings forever. It didn’t matter how many times he tried, he would simply never succeed. James didn’t have the heart to do anything about it though. He wasn’t sure what he was even supposed to do. So he settled for just watching Sirius descend further and further into madness for now. 

He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel at least a little relief when he finally had an excuse to get out of the house for a night, his mother and him deciding to grab dinner together, that sunday. Still, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit bad for leaving Remus to deal with a very agitated Sirius after he had slept for around three hours that night trying to work out an especially difficult assignment. 

“I can cancel if you need me to, you know. We can always find another day” James offered, as he stood behind Remus, watching him fry an array of vegetables on the stove. 

Remus had only chuckled, waving off James easily.

“I’m fine, James. I think i’ll manage the task of dealing with my boyfriend,” 

James knew he was being a little ridiculous. It wasn’t like Sirius would actually ever do anything really bad. He could never hurt, Remus. Still, James had the nagging need to protect his friends. To stay and make sure that nothing did happen. 

“But-” He tried again but Remus only turned around to fix him with a look.

“James, just go. You’ve been so excited about seeing your mother the whole week. Sirius will be fine. He’s just tired”

James knew Remus wouldn’t let him stay. Still, he couldn’t help the worry that seeped into his mind. In the end he sighed before muttering,

“Promise me you’ll text me at least? Just so i know that you’re both fine”

Remus’ smile went a little softer at that. It was strange how well he knew James already after having only known him for a little under a year but then again James supposed he was sort of an open book.

“I’ll text you. Now get going, I can't stand you breathing down my neck while I cook” Remus chuckled, giving James a playful push toward the direction of the door.

James chuckled as well, trying to shake out his worried thoughts and moved toward the front door of the flat. He was being silly, he knew that. He’d be gone for a couple hours max and Sirius wasn’t some little kid. He didn’t need James to coddle him.

Still, he couldn’t help his worries during the entirety of his walk to the restaurant he and his mother had agreed to meet at. He wasn’t even sure of what he was so afraid of. That Remus and Sirius would get mad at eachother? That Sirius would have some sort of mental breakdown while he was gone? 

He felt like a single father trying to take care of a mildly unstable teen and he knew that that in itself was completely ridiculous. Sirius may have his issues but he was a fully grown adult. Sirius was older than James for god’s sake. 

However all his fears dissipated as soon as he made it into the restaurant and saw the familiar brown curls of his mother’s hair. He wasted no time in walking up to her, sneaking up from behind before enveloping her in a crushing hug. 

“James!” She exclaimed immediately jumping a little underneath his ambush as James giggled before she brought up her hands and leaned into the hug. 

“Don’t scare your old mother like that,” She reprimanded as he walked over to sit down though she was smiling from ear to ear. 

“You’re not old, mum, please” James scoffed at her, immediately letting himself fall into the familiar banter with ease. 

His mother rolled her eyes though her smile only widened at the comments.

“Don’t try to flatter me, James. I know you and your father’s tricks” 

“So our love and affection is a trick now?” James jested. 

His mother laughed and James revelled in the sound, instantly being taken back to his childhood home. Letting himself wander through memories of baking cookies and playing hide and seek in his garden. 

“What do you want to eat, Putt?” She asked when they’d settled down and had picked up their menus on the tables. James looked over the menu for a little moment. 

“I think i’ll just have the cheeseburger”

She nodded, smiling a little, as she looked over the menu herself.

When they’d ordered and the waiter left, James and his mom were left to their devices to converse until the food came. At first it was normal. His mom asked about how school and practice was going, how he was doing at the flat, and how Sirius and Remus were doing. James answered, and in turn asked her how it was going at home, how dad was doing, how it was now that he wasn’t around any more. It was all as mundane as it could be. As soon as he asked her about work however, about the new job she’d scored, immediately James noticed his mother being a little weird.

To anyone she’d seem just as she always was. She was still smiling easily, her tone of voice was the same. She didn’t look uncomfortable. Yet, James knew his mother too well and looking at her now he knew she was trying to build up the courage to say something to him. Her pauses were a little too long, she was avoiding eye contact a little more, she was getting lost in her own thoughts. James knew all the signs. Normally she’d just tell him everything immediately though. This must be something difficult. 

After a little while of dancing around the subject James just sighed and asked bluntly.

“What is it, mum?”

“Hm?” She said, looking at him a little startled as if she hadn’t expected the question. She probably hadn’t. James wasn’t sure she knew just how easy she was to read sometimes.

“There’s something you want to say. I can tell. So what is it? What are you hiding from me?” The last part was a joke, and James held up his fork, pointing it accusingly at her in a playful manner. His mom however immediately looked away, her smile going a little forced as if she was guilty. Immediately James’ felt alarm bells going off in his head.

“Wait mum, what is it? Is something wrong?” He tilted his head trying to look her in the eye, begging her to just be honest. She looked guilty. Very guilty. James didn’t understand. He knew that logically there was almost nothing his mother could say that he wouldn’t forgive. He’d understand. He always would. Besides, his mother wouldn’t ever do something bad would she? To James she had always been such a beacon of kindness, opening her arms and her home to anyone who needed it, always smiling at strangers and immediately volunteering to help at local charity events. Seeing her this torn up about something was strange.

Finally she sighed, looking up at him again.

“I’m sorry James. I just got the name of the skater I'm going to be coaching and-” She put a hand over his on the table. James only felt his brows knit further together. “James, I never would've taken the job if i’d have known. I know this only complicates things. I know how Sirius will probably feel but they were very adamant about keeping everything secret and i’ve already signed a contract and-”

James felt like his head was about to explode trying to figure out what she was talking about. He felt like he was missing some key part of information. Like he was missing the final puzzle piece to figure out what his mother was telling him.

“Wait a sec, mum, i- i’m not following. You mentioned Sirius? What does Sirius have to do with this? Why would he be upset, i don’t under-”

His mother smiled at him kindly, then, though it was just as guilty before.

“James.” She said soothingly as if silently asking him to take a moment. To piece together the final picture. And then finally it clicked. James looked up with wide eyes as suddenly the final puzzle piece appeared and he understood. 

Only one figure skater had shown up suddenly as of recently. Only one figure skater had any connections to Sirius at all. Only one figure skater could make his mom look this guilty. 

“Wait mum you’re… you’re coaching Regulus? Sirius’ little brother. Regulus Black? Is that the reason why he’s suddenly here? Because you…?” He suddenly trailed off, needing a moment to take it all in. He understood now what his mother had been trying to tell him but at the same time he didn’t feel like he understood anything at all. 

Because why ? 

Why on earth would his mother, a very talented but nonetheless, local and rather unknown coach be hired to teach Regulus, who as far as James knew had been right about to go professional even years ago, being taught by prestigious teachers from around the world and backed up by big name sponsors. Why would they go through the trouble of moving back here from London and hiring a local coach? What could they possibly gain from that? And how the hell had said coach ended up being his mother of all people?

“I’m sorry, Putt, but it’s- i can’t back out now and this job really is important i just-”

James looked at his mother trying to explain herself and suddenly he felt extremely guilty. None of this was her fault. He knew she would never do anything on purpose to try and hurt any of them. And he knew that jobs had been hard to come by as of late. This could be a massive deal for his mom, a potential breakthrough in her career as a coach. James just wished it didn’t have to make everything so complicated.

“No, mum, i’m sorry, it’s not your fault i’m just a little taken aback is all…”
His mom smiled at him then though it was more sympathetic than it was joyful. She stared at him for a moment more before hesitantly asking.

“Do you… does Sirius know?” 

James sighed, thinking back to when he’d had to break the news to Sirius. 

“He doesn’t know that you’re going to be coaching him, but yeah he does know that Regulus is back in town. I uh i saw him at the rink and told him right away. I couldn’t keep something like that secret from him, you know.”

She nodded, knowing all too well about the pair and their unending honesty. 

“You saw him?” She asked, looking slightly intrigued. 

“Yeah he uh he’s at the rink pretty much any time the team isn’t” 

His mom nodded again, looking off in the distance as if contemplating something. 

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me too much. I looked the kid up, to get a sense of his level. He’s damn near perfect. I’ve never had a student like him, so it’ll be a new experience” She chuckled a little though she still looked a little nervous about the whole subject. 

James stared at her a little more. He could tell she had more to say. She always pursed her lips in a certain way when she wasn’t sure whether to mention something or not. When she kept staring off out the window, seemingly slipping into a stream of consciousness James couldn’t follow he just asked her.

“What are you thinking about?”

She looked up, then, blinking for a moment as if she had been a little startled to be addressed. As if he truly had caught her in the middle of a daze. She stared at him for a moment more, worrying her bottom lip. 

“You ever looked up the kid?” His mom asked suddenly. James furrowed his brows but shook his head. He hadn’t. It had always felt a bit wrong. He figured if Sirius was trying to act like Regulus didn’t exist then James shouldn’t go snooping. Regulus had just always seemed like such a precious thing for Sirius and so James didn’t want to interfere. He thought it best to just take what Sirius told him. 

“No I haven't. Why?” 

His mom did it again, shooting that look that told she really was hesitant about telling him something. He wondered what about Regulus could make his mom look like that. 

“The kid has got some nasty articles about him that’s all” She said, looking away. James didn’t fall for her trick, trying to play what she had just said off.

“Nasty how?”

She waited a long time then, just looking at him intently as if somehow in his face she’d find some hidden answer about what to say. James just stared right back at her. Eventually she sighed, giving in, though her answer didn’t give him any more clarification. 

“He went through a lot last year apparently. The media has decided not to take his side, you know how they are. I think that must be the reason they moved back here”

“They moved back here to avoid the press?” James asked, confused. It must have been bad if it warranted a move. But what could Regulus possibly have done to warrant such a reaction? Throughout the whole week James had seen he hadn’t done anything but practise. He was a little cold, sure, and he had gotten pretty angry at Ollie that one time, but if anyone deserved any scrutiny for that, then it was Oliver. Regulus didn’t seem like the type to make a big fuss about anything at all. In fact, to James, Regulus seemed more like he just wanted to disappear entirely. He always looked so far away, as if he was just on autopilot, as if his head wasn’t really there. 

His mom nodded though, making a slight grimace.

“Yeah… I think what I'm trying to say is just… don’t be too harsh on the kid, alright? He’s… I think he’s been through enough”

James felt himself furrowing his brows in confusion but just when he had the chance to ask another question the waiter came with their food. 

His mum decided to take that as her chance to change the subject entirely, suddenly going on about how his father had recently made a new friend at his job. How they’d had dinner together, the two families, and how Fleamont hadn’t stopped talking about his amazing talented son. 

James would’ve been delighted to hear about it. He would’ve listened intently anyday. But it was extremely hard when he felt like he had just had another set of horrifying news dumped on him. When he felt like he had just gotten served reason for a thousand questions and no answers at all. 

What had his mother read in those articles? Why was she asking him to go easy on Regulus now?

Needless to say as soon as James was home from the dinner, he headed straight for his room. Remus and Sirius were nowhere to be found so he figured they had probably retired to their room for the night. His suspicions were confirmed when, as he pulled out his laptop from his school bag, he heard muttering voices through the wall. He stopped for a moment to listen, only to make sure no yelling was going on. It didn’t seem like it, fortunately. 

And so he continued on with his plan, fueled by the curiosity that had itched just beneath his skin throughout the entire dinner. He opened up Google only to type in the letter “R” and then hesitate. 

It still felt so… wrong.

Sirius had always been prickly about his brother and though James knew that this was all public information he still somehow felt that he was looking up something he shouldn’t. That he was trying to find out things he should hear from Sirius himself.
He also thought about Regulus himself, about how quiet and cold he was. James was sure Regulus wouldn’t tell him anything about himself even if he asked. Hell, Regulus hadn’t even told James his name. James only knew it because he knew Sirius. He wasn’t sure Regulus would be too happy to know that James had decided to suddenly look him up on the internet, especially if the articles hadn’t been particularly nice. 

Still, his mom had piqued a curiosity in him, he couldn’t help but act on. Somehow he just needed to know. 

Besides, how bad could it really be?

He just searched up his name at first. Regulus Black. James clicked the first link he saw.

It led him to an article. As soon as he started reading the words however he felt something sick inside him twist. Suddenly he wished he could’ve just left it be. Some things were just not meant to be discovered.

In big bold dramatic red letters, practically screaming at him on the screen the title read:

“ Promising Young Skater Regulus Black Hospitalized After Suicide Attempt ”

James had to read it several times just to let the words sink in. How was anyone supposed to take that? Despite his better judgement however, he read on. 

“London, UK — Regulus Arcturus Black, the 18-year-old son of retired professional figure skater Walburga Black, was found unconscious at his family home on Tuesday evening. Paramedics who arrived at the scene determined that Regulus had ingested a significant quantity of over-the-counter painkillers in what appears to have been a suicide attempt. Weighing only 65 kg, the young skater was immediately rushed to the hospital, where he was treated and later stabilised.

The incident sent shockwaves through the figure skating community, where Regulus has been hailed as one of the most promising talents of his generation. His mother, Walburga Black, addressed the media just hours after her son’s condition was confirmed as stable, holding up what she claimed was his suicide note.

“I would like to formally apologise on my son’s behalf for the shock this must have caused all of his fans,” said Mrs. Black. “I will not quote the letter directly, but in it, my son attempted to say his final goodbyes, expressing that this was an effort to gain attention after his disappointing performance in last Friday’s competition. As a mother, this both saddens and shocks me. I was aware of how deeply upset he was after his collapse during the performance, but I did not realise the extent of his despair.”

She continued, “Sincerely, on my son’s behalf, I would like to apologize. He is now in stable condition and will be back on his feet soon. We do not know when he will return to the ice. We will, of course, be in close contact with doctors to ensure that his mental state is thoroughly assessed, and that he receives the help and support he needs.””

The title in itself was horrifying enough and James felt anger at the media for ever capitalising off of something so horrid but reading the article in its entirety James felt like everything around him was crumbling. He felt bile in his throat and anger in his bones as his mind reeled, the words spinning slightly in front of him.

He may not have known Regulus for very long, but he knew of his mother and if James knew anything about that woman it was not to trust a single word she said. Even seeing her picture pop up front page on the article, holding up what was supposedly her own son’s suicide note for pictures made fury flame up inside James.

How anyone could be so cruel as to go out right after their own child had been hospitalised, only to feed the media with such horrid details, and straight from the note too. It was horrible, and it made James sick to his fucking stomach. He knew Walburga wasn’t unintelligent. She must have known what news like these would be taken as. She must’ve known the kinds of articles that would be published, and still she had gone out and done it. 

James wanted to just shut his computer right then. But something deep inside him made him click on the comments. He knew he shouldn’t have. Comment threads underneath this kind of stuff were never pretty. However, James was still surprised to see the sheer amount of animosity immediately directed Regulus’ way. 

Anonymous : "What a pathetic cry for attention. If he couldn't handle the pressure, maybe he should have chosen a different career. Feel bad for his mother having to deal with this mess."

Skates4izzy : "So he flops in one competition and decides to pull a stunt like this? Absolutely disgraceful. His mom deserves better than this drama."

RobertH : "Wow, imagine trying to kill yourself just because you didn't get the applause you wanted. Some people are so self-centered. Shame on him."

Anon123 : "Typical spoiled brat behavior. Doesn't get what he wants, so he tries to get attention in the most dramatic way possible. Sickening."

AdaMckenzie : "This is what happens when you coddle your kids too much. They can't handle life and resort to these attention-seeking tactics. Ridiculous."

SkatingFan101 : "Feel sorry for his mom. Imagine raising someone who thinks the answer to failure is to try and take the easy way out. Pathetic."

James closed the tab immediately. How anyone could be so horrible to another human being was truly beyond him. 

Even if it had been for attention it was still a desperate cry for help, not something to be shamed, and James seriously doubted that it had actually been as Walburga said. He did not trust that woman one bit, and something about this whole thing was just working out a little too well in her favour.

He opened youtube then and searched Regulus’ name there. A few scandal videos popped up which James’ promptly avoided. Instead he found the first competition video and clicked onto it. 

In the video Regulus was pictured looking just as graceful as James had seen him be when practising on the rink. Except this time he was clad in a beautiful full figure skating suit, his hair styled perfectly and his face the epitome of quiet concentration. 

None of that was anything too startling however, even if James immediately noted how ethereal Regulus looked in the elaborate outfit, clad in all sorts of jewels and pearls. 

The camera tracked Regulus’ movements as he shook off his nerves, took a breath and stepped onto the ice, to loud cheers and exclamations of excitement from the crowd. James watched in quiet admiration as Regulus turned to the crowd, waving and smiling big from ear to ear.

James couldn’t help but stare at the screen, as he paused right as the camera zoomed in on Regulus’ face. James studied the boy intently. In the week he had seen Regulus he had never once seen him smile. 

His smile was beautiful, all white perfect teeth, and perfect pink lips. James couldn’t help but frown however. Somehow he could find no joy in watching Regulus smile like that. He looked in his eyes and saw no joy at all. This was no real smile, there was no glee or even excitement. Just like everything else about Regulus it seemed this was just yet another one of his carefully practised expressions, something as trained and perfected as the way he moved on the ice. 

James couldn’t help but feel hollow looking at Regulus. He couldn’t help but wonder if anyone in that crowd on the video saw the same thing he did, if anyone noticed how empty Regulus’ eyes looked as he turned away, his smile quickly disappearing to make way for a concentrated frown. They all cheered and whooped, only quieting down when the lights cut out leaving only a spotlight on Regulus, ready to perform his routine. 

It seemed no one in the crowd noticed after all. Or maybe they just didn’t care. Regulus looked like a painting. Beautiful and perfectly crafted as if moulded by the god’s themselves but James just couldn’t help but see the lack of any emotion at all underneath the exterior. Surely, Regulus had to feel something. Surely, he couldn’t just be a pretty prop. A hollow shell of a boy, constantly stuck spinning around like one of those little spinning ballerina figurines, to entertain those who cared enough to look.

Still, as soon as the music started and Regulus started skating it was like every thought James had were put on hold. He didn’t even hear the comments from the announcers, only vaguely registering their exclaims of “Beautiful!” and “excellent technique!” after every jump Regulus went into. 

James watched as if entranced until suddenly he saw Regulus slow down. James furrowed his brows. Was the routine ending? But it didn’t seem like it. Still, he watched Regulus slowing down considerably. Then he wobbled a little on his skates. James felt something in him twist. Regulus didn’t wobble. There was simply no way.

The commentators had gone unusually quiet too and then some members of the crowds began looking worried, some of them standing up to get a closer look. Regulus turned slightly on his skates as if to continue but as soon as the camera caught his face James knew it was all wrong. 

Regulus looked paler than the ice itself, and his gaze was a mix of panic and nausea. The camera zoomed in and caught the glistening beads of sweat running down the side of Regulus’ face. He looked off, then, to somewhere in the stands. He opened his mouth as if to say something and then his eyes were rolling back as he collapsed onto the ice with a sickening thud. 

James felt himself holding his breath along with the crowd in the video. He watched as paramedics rushed onto the ice, hoisting the completely limp body of Regulus up onto a stretcher. The camera followed them all the way into the stands and suddenly James felt rage bubble inside him again, cause right there was Walburga, standing ever so tall, stoic even in the face of such chaos. And as she looked at Regulus being carried away she didn’t look worried, she looked disappointed . As if this was all just some big misconvenience to her.

James closed down that tab too then. 

He couldn’t watch any longer. 

He settled for just searching up pictures then. There were a few of Regulus during his collapse or of his mother with the note but James scrolled past them hurriedly. Instead he looked at the others. The ones of Regulus performing or posing with medals, attending various events. Some were recent, from only a year ago when he was 18, others were older, from when he was 16, 14, 12… they stretched far back. 

Regulus was smiling in almost all of them but it was that same hollow smile. The one with absolutely nothing underneath. It was scary to see a Regulus who couldn’t be more than 11 years old and smiling like that. As if he was just going through the motions. 

And then suddenly after having scrolled down past numerous pictures James found one that tugged at his heart uncomfortably. 

The Blacks must’ve done just about anything they could to remove any trace of Sirius ever having existed. But the thing with the internet was that it’s never that easy. And so buried beneath at least a thousand pictures James found one of Regulus, standing with a silver medal, with a grinning Sirius by his side. They couldn’t be more than 9 and 11, Sirius looking like the little troublemaker he was and Regulus yet to lose the baby fat in his cheeks.

James stared at that particular picture longer than he had any of the others. 

They looked happy. Genuinely happy. Both of them. Finally James saw actual joy behind Regulus’ eyes as he stared up at his older brother and Sirius looked whole in a way James hadn’t seen in years. 

It was only when a tear hit the keyboard of his laptop that James realised he was crying. 

Immediately he shut it down, quickly wiping at his face.

“What the hell? ” He muttered to himself, sniffling loudly to try and will the sudden tears away.

He wanted to tell himself that he had no idea why he was suddenly so upset, that it was all some weird random rush of emotions. That it was just the effects of having just been with his mother or something like it. But James knew. He knew exactly what he had been looking at.

It felt so close, like he could just reach out and grab it. Both brothers being happy. The solution to everything. The magical fix that would finally allow Sirius to be happy, to be able to free himself of the guilt of the past. 

He knew it wasn’t his place to fix this. He knew he shouldn’t, knew he should stay out of it.

But James had always been a romantic and he’d always had a heart a little too big of his own good. 

He knew that there was no going back now. He didn’t care what Sirius said anymore, because James had seen his pain first hand for too many years. He knew he had a wound that would never heal until he got the half of his soul back.

James was going to fix the Black brother’s relationship. He had no idea how, and no idea if it was even a good idea. But he felt deep in his soul that this was finally his chance to fix something, fix everything and he knew he couldn’t back down. Not after witnessing both brother’s suffering in the absence of each other.

Chapter Text

When the day finally came where Regulus had to meet his new coach, it had taken him much more effort to get up and out of bed. He had even been two minutes late for breakfast, earning him a scolding from his dad, about the importance of punctuality and how their food might’ve gone cold if they had to wait just one second more.

Regulus had wanted to roll his eyes at him. Surely, the food was no different than it would’ve been if he had arrived those two minutes earlier. He didn’t roll his eyes though. He knew better than that. 

His mother was unusually quiet at the dinner table, but when she did speak she was a lot more snappy than normally.

“Fix your hair before you come down here, Regulus, would you? You look like hell, for goodness sake.” She had snapped at him when he had just asked her to hand over the butter. 

He bit his tongue, pushing down the snarky comment he so wanted to say, instead just nodding his head and muttering an apology as he tried to flatten down his hair. 

It was only when he was about to leave that he realised why she was in such a bad mood. 

“You should get ready now, Regulus. Leonard is probably already waiting and it’s best for you to be warmed up when your new coach arrives”

He had nodded, starting to get up when she had muttered under her breath,

“I just pray she isn’t as horrible as the other options in this town,”

So that was it. His mother was angry because she was embarrassed . Embarrassed that Regulus had lost the reputation that had helped them get prestigious coaches. Embarrassed that a local coach - someone more or less unknown - was to teach her son. 

Regulus was embarrassed too. He didn’t see what someone like that was supposed to teach him. How was he supposed to just accept the obvious downgrade?

He didn’t have much choice though, so he just headed upstairs to get ready, and went back down again when he was finished, meeting up with Leonard out in front of the small mansion.

Leonard smiled at him when he approached and Regulus tried his best to muster up something that at least wasn’t a frown in return. 

“Excited to meet your new coach?” Len asked when they were both situated in the car and heading back toward the Haverfield university campus. 

“Why would I be? She’s practically a nobody,” Regulus huffed. 

He could see Len shrugging out of the corner of his eye. He tried not to let Len’s carefree nature bother him, but sometimes it really annoyed him how the older man seemed to always shrug off Regulus’ concerns so easily. 

“You never know. She might be able to give you a perspective you haven’t had before” Len suggested, always the optimist. Regulus did not share his hope.

“What perspective? A mediocre one?” Regulus said rather cruelly. He knew he was being a bit of a prick, but then again that had never stopped him. “Sorry, but I'm not really looking forward to being taught by a has-been figure skater. I mean how am I supposed to take anything she says seriously if she couldn’t even manage to be good enough herself?” Regulus said, perhaps with a bit too much bite. 

It wasn’t Len’s fault, any of this. If anything it was Regulus’ own. That didn’t stop him from being angry about it. The downgrade of his amenities was jarring and felt like a direct stab to his ego. Whether it was the public university rink that he now had to share with hockey idiots, the new coach or even just the fact that he was back in this god forsaken city that only pulled memories to the surface that he had otherwise managed to hide away for years that annoyed him most Regulus wasn’t too sure. It sucked. It all sucked. 

“You did your research?” Len asked.

Regulus shook his head even though he knew Len probably was watching the road and not him.

“No.” Regulus muttered. “But Maman has been rather vocal about how much she thinks this new coach is lacking. God knows why she even hired her. Apparently we have no other options. Apparently I ruined that” Regulus said, feeling the bitter tang of hurt seeping into his words. His mother never failed to make everything feel like it was his fault. He tried to tell himself that it couldn’t possibly be like that. Everything couldn’t be just his fault. He was trying his best, he was doing everything he could. But it never helped much. He had spent his entire life feeling like one big smudge to his family name, constantly trying to prove himself, trying to make himself someone worth being proud of. And until he managed that, he didn’t think he would ever truly feel like anything but a failure.

“You’re doing fine Regulus,” Len said, and Regulus couldn’t help but flinch. He wondered if Len knew just how much he ached to hear those words from his parents. How much he wished he could hear them and feel like they were actually true. “And who knows? Maybe this coach has more to offer than your mother realises. She can’t be right about everything can she?”

Regulus looked up to see Len shooting him a look through the rearview mirror. Regulus wondered whether the last statement was supposed to be just about the coach or about other things too. He didn’t want to ponder about it too long. He didn’t want hope right now. 

Hope would only crush him in the end. That’s what he had learned throughout his life. Hope had never done anything else but hurt him. He wasn’t about to be foolish and hope for something this stupid.

“Yeah, alright, sure” Regulus muttered, just trying to get Len off his back. He could see Len nodding but knowing him he was probably well aware that he hadn’t convinced Regulus at all.

Len left him alone so instead Regulus went and checked his phone. He was mildly surprised to see he had a text. 

When he went to check it he couldn’t help the little smile that tugged at the corners of his lips.

Pandora: Wanna meet up at the park 2day?

Regulus had texted Pandora after he had met her that day in the park. He had been so nervous. He knew it was silly. She was the one who had given him her number. She had even told him to text her but still he felt insecure when going to write that first message.

What if she regretted her decision? What if she was just doing it out of pity?

Regulus had never really had a friend. He’d never tried to get one, sure, but no one had really tried to befriend him either. He had decided long ago that maybe he just wasn’t that interesting of a person. He didn’t think he was. He didn’t really have any interests or anything remotely interesting to supply to a conversation besides figure skating stuff. 

But as soon as he had sent that first message Pandora had been texting him almost everyday. Still it was a little foreign to him seeing a name pop up on his phone that wasn’t his mom or Leonard telling him he was waiting for him with the car.

Regulus: Don’t know if i have the time. I’m meeting my new coach today, so I'll probably be at the rink all day.

He had eventually told Pandora that he was a figure skater though he left out any specific details, telling her that it was just a hobby even though he knew it was practically his entire life. He didn’t want her to search up his name to find out about his past mistakes. He wanted to just for once in his life feel like a normal person. 

Pandora: oooo a new coach? That’s exciting!

She replied only a minute later. He had learned that Pandora was a student at Haverfield university. A fine arts major. He didn’t think she could do much else than be on her phone however, seeing as she always replied, extremely fast. 

Regulus: I don’t know… i kind of wish i could just have my old coach back

Pandora: But you can’t?

Regulus: No. It’s a bit complicated.

Pandora: Well, that’s a bit annoying then:(

Pandora: But maybe it’s not all bad. Maybe this new coach is super nice!:))

Regulus: Yeah.

Regulus: Maybe.

Regulus: I don’t know.

Pandora: Well, no matter what, you can always text me.

Pandora: If they suck then you can come and rant to me about it. How about that?

Regulus: Yeah, sure. Sounds good:)

Pandora: Great. Can’t wait to hear about it then:))))

Regulus was just about to answer when he realised the car was coming to a stop. He frowned slightly when he saw them pulling up beside the Arena. He sighed and texted Pandora.

Regulus: I’m here now.

Regulus: I’ll text you later.

Pandora: Great! Talk to you later then.

Pandora: And good luck!

Regulus smiled a little, tucking his phone back into his pocket and heading out of the car. Len bid him goodbye as he did. Even Pandora’s encouragement didn’t help all that much on his mood however. He was already frowning hard again by the time he had begun stretching inside the Arena. By the time he had gotten on his gear and on the ice to warm up he was right back where he started, frustrated and annoyed by his situation.

When he heard the familiar sounds of doors swinging open approximately an hour later he turned around to find a woman entering the rink.

She was beautiful. All tan skin and long brown hair that curled at the ends, where she had it up in a messy ponytail. She smiled brightly at him when she entered and Regulus tried his best not to make a sour expression.

She looked kind, way too kind. He was used to Mr. Fedorov’s cold indifference and harsh teaching methods. He had grown to respect them quickly learning that his harshness was exactly the reason he was so good at what he did. He didn’t beat around the bush. He didn't bother with useless niceties or pity points. Either you did what he asked of you or you would ultimately turn out a failure. This woman looked more like a kindergarten arts teacher than she did a skating coach. All kind smiles and empathetic eyes, eager to help and comfort. 

Regulus didn’t need comforting. He needed someone who would point out his mistakes without hesitation, someone to tell him where all his faults lied so he could fix it. This woman looked like she would tell him anything he did was amazing no matter how horrible, just to please him.

He already hated her. He already regretted every life decision he made up until now. It was so embarrassing that he was standing here now with a teacher so mediocre they might as well just have hired his little league coaches. 

Nevertheless, he skated toward her, knowing there was no point in resisting now. His mother had already made it very clear that this was the best option they had and lord only knows what she’d do to him if he fucked that up now.

When he hopped the boards to meet her on the other side he inclined his head in silent greeting.

“You must be Regulus Black,” She said smiling at him as if he wasn’t glaring at her, “It’s not every day i get to take on a student as talented as yourself i must say”

No, shit she didn’t. No other figure skater at his level would ever bother even looking her way. He was only doing so in desperation. Regulus didn’t say that of course. Instead he inclined his head again, politely, keeping his tone neutral as he muttered an absentminded rehearsed response.

“Well, me and my family are glad you did.”

She waved him off quickly with a dismissing wave of her hand.

“Oh, of course. I wouldn’t pass up on an opportunity like this”

Of course you wouldn’t. I bet you’re getting a pretty sum of money from my parents too, aren’t you? 

“I’m glad to hear that,” Regulus stated with a hollow smile. She responded to him with a smile of pure joy as if she couldn’t hear the bitter edge to his words at all.

“Anyways, now that I know who you are, I guess I should introduce myself,” She said, gesturing with her hands excitedly. She really did have the mannerisms of a kindergarten teacher. So eager, so sickeningly gleeful. Regulus felt it rot at his bitter insides. “I’m Euphemia Potter. But you can just call me Effie, honestly, i’ve never been much for fancy titles” She winked at him then, perhaps trying to be cheeky in a friendly sort of way. He reciprocated it with a halfhearted smile, feeling the near irresistible urge to roll his eyes at her. He took the hand she held out to him then let her shake his too excitedly.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Potter” He said, not missing how for a moment her smile faltered slightly at his use of the formal title. He wasn’t going to use her first name, let alone a nickname, just because she liked it better. Never had he called any of his coaches by anything other than their respective last names, and no matter how much Euphemia disliked formal titles he definitely disliked the informality of using a nickname more. 

Euphemia quickly bounced back however, smiling just as brightly at him as before. Regulus felt himself getting mildly ignored that it seemed it wouldn’t be easy getting her to stop doing that. Being all kind and smiley.

It made him uncomfortable. He didn’t even know why anymore. Maybe it was because he thought it’d make her a bad teacher. Maybe it’s because adults in his life had never really smiled at him. They’d never really been kind. Not unless they’d been paid to or had other reasons to. He didn’t like it when people were kind to him for no reason. He tried to figure out the hidden intentions behind it. Tried to figure out what exactly they could want out of him because why would they be kind to him if not to get something out of it?

“It’s nice to meet you too, Regulus” She said. Regulus only nodded slightly, not really feeling very nice about it all.

“Let’s get to practising then?” She said, and Regulus happily agreed. He didn’t really care for conversation just to be polite. At least he could respect her direct approach. At least that was one good quality she might have, despite all the other qualities he already didn’t like.

It didn’t take long for Euphemia to explain the concept of the choreography she had made for him. He’d be performing again soon he knew, though this time he had starkly more time than he would normally have. Normally he wouldn’t practise for four entire months just for one performance but this time he also knew it was entirely different. 

Before, he always had the momentum of his previous successes to build off of. He just had to keep going at the pace he always had. Keep showing people that he was getting just that little bit better for each time they saw him. This time he didn’t have anything to build off of. He had to do a massive leap from the deep dark underground of where his reputation fell to when he failed last year. 

He had to not only thrust himself right back into the spotlight with so much force no one dared ignore him, he had to outperform not only other contenders this time but every single one of his own performances too, and by a big shot as well. He had to show insane improvement, had to show himself bouncing back miraculously and effortlessly, if he wanted to ever be taken seriously again. 

And so he tried his best to listen carefully to Euphemia as she explained her vision.

“I’ve seen your earlier performances. Your technique and skill is evident, your dedication too. You are an outstanding skater and performer, i must say” 

She smiled kindly at him. Regulus just nodded. He didn’t smile bashfully or thank her for the compliment. He knew he was good. He needed to be good, he’d ensured it and he wouldn’t have gotten so far in his career if he wasn’t. Euphemia didn’t seem to take offence to his lack of a response quickly continuing.

“Your performances before have been mostly focused on being impressive in their show of your technicality and skill, which makes sense, as it certainly is something to show off” Again she smiled at him, but quickly went on. “However, seeing as your parents specifically requested something not only technically beautiful much like before, but something shocking too. Something for people to talk about, something unexpected i thought i’d do something a bit different for you this time”

Regulus nodded again, furrowing his brows only ever so slightly in concentration. He knew his performance was going to have to be different. He couldn’t waste his time, doing all of this to get back in the spotlight only to disappoint and bore everybody by doing the same old thing. Still, he was a little nervous. He wasn’t sure exactly what they could do that would be shocking enough to actually get people back on his side.

He’d seen the comments on social media. He’d seen the articles, and videos, and sports podcasts all berating him for being a spoiled, entitled, naive brat. Everybody hated him. So what could possibly change their minds? What could possibly be loud enough to drown out the hatred and resentment?

“So I've made something technically challenging enough to match your skill level of course and to show off that too, but also very different from your earlier performances. This time besides the technicality you will need to be focused on the story you’re trying to tell. This performance will be just as much of an acting performance as it will be a figure skating performance.”

Regulus nodded slowly again, trying to understand. This wasn’t the only time he’d heard of storytelling, of course not. Figure skating is as much an art as it is a sport. Several of his previous performances had been made to portray a certain feeling, story or even just to convey the message of a song. However describing them as actual acting performances would definitely be an overstatement. Regulus had always won all his metals and earned all appraise on account of his skating, not his acting or storytelling. It had never been an actual focuspoint. More of an afterthought to please the audiences and judges enough. Skill and precision had always been what he was supposed to convey above all else. 

And so Regulus couldn’t help but feel a little sceptical of how exactly this was going to be the make or break decision, performance wise. He figured she would’ve gone above and beyond trying to come up with the craziest combinations and jumps and everything possible in the books. That’s certainly what Mr. Fedorov would’ve done, but then again Mr. Fedorov had way too much pride to find himself in this situation anyway. 

Regulus didn’t say anything, instead just letting Euphemia continue her explanation.

“So we’re going for a story here. A performance that people will not only watch, but feel too. Something to have them gawking, laughing, crying.” She said excitedly. Regulus couldn’t help but narrow his eyes slightly at her. He was supposed to make people… cry? Laugh? How ?

“I’ve decided to go for a story everyone knows. An easily recognizable one, though the themes never fail to succeed when executed correctly. It’s a timeless story of both love, naivety, tragedy. A story with so many layers to explore it is almost impossible not to make a compelling performance with it in mind.”
Regulus found himself listening intently. What exactly could this story be? What exactly had Euphemia practically shining with excitement right now? She spoke of it as if it was the most sacred piece she had ever had the chance of explaining and Regulus would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little curious too. 

“Romeo and Juliet” She said finally, staring at him with a smile so bright Regulus almost felt bad for the way his face immediately fell into a sour scowl. 

“Romeo and Juliet?” He asked flatly, clearly not thrilled with the idea, forgetting for a second that he was supposed to play nice. “As in the sappy love story? The one everyone falls asleep to while being forced to watch in seventh grade English class?” He asked. Eupehmia’s smile didn’t even falter for a second as she nodded enthusiastically. 

“Yep. Romeo and Juliet!” 

“Isn’t it overdone? How am I supposed to surprise them, if it’s just a tired rendition of something they’ve seen a thousand times before?” Regulus countered, already being extremely against the idea.

Romeo and Juliet was just so… not him, and he didn’t see at all how that old story was supposed to be his big break. From what he remembered of the one movie he had seen and the story he’d heard several years ago, Romeo and Juliet was nothing but a cliché, sappy and so hopelessly romantic story it was to barf over. A story of two idiot teenagers stupidly falling in love with each other and acting like it was the end of the world, hailed as the love story of centuries. Regulus wasn’t one for romantics and he definitely wasn’t in tune with it. To him, Romeo and Juliet was nothing but another tragic story so like many others and not at all the most interesting one. 

“Oh but it hasn’t been done like this. And it hasn’t been done by you,” She smiled. And yeah no shit it hadn’t been done by him. That didn’t mean it was a good idea. He hadn’t done it because he hated even the idea of it. 

Regulus couldn’t help his frown.

“So what? You want me to act like Romeo?” He asked not understanding at all. He didn’t think he was very Romeo-esque at all. Romeo was supposed to be a naive hopelessly romantic fool, consumed and blinded for his love by Juliet. Impulsive, passionate, rash. All things Regulus was not. Regulus had never had more than a silly crush and that was when he was fourteen. He had no time or energy for love. 

Euphemia only shook her head slightly.

“No, you’re going to be Juliet,” 

Regulus stared at her for a moment.

“Juliet? Why?”

“Because she’s my favourite,” Was all Euphemia offered him as answer. Regulus tried his very best not to scoff or roll his eyes at her. She really was turning out to be a very lacking teacher.

“I’m not for this idea,” Regulus muttered, petulantly. Euphemia only grinned, and gave a short chuckle.

“Well, I just need you to give it a shot. Can you do that for me at least?”

Regulus stared at her for a few moments more before sighing when he realised he didn’t have much of a choice. His mother would kill him if he came complaining about his new coach now. 

“Fine,” He muttered and let Euphemia skate with him to the middle. 

She proceeded to show him a basic rundown of the choreographed sequence. 

It was very pretty sure, and Regulus had to admit there were definitely some interesting jumps and sequences, the footwork sequences were nice too, but it was all much too artsy for Regulus’ taste and he found himself unable to picture himself ever executing the choreography. 

He did his best though letting Euphemia take the lead. He swallowed his pride and complaints and went with it, cause what choice did he have?

And so the next three days commenced like that. On the third day he had the basics down of the choreography but Euphemia seemed to get more and more frustrated. For entirely different reasons than Regulus.

At the end of the third day, she pulled him aside to discuss her vision and what they’d be specifically working on going forward.

“Technicality wise, Regulus, it’s coming along beautifully. You’re an excellent skater and you capture the elegance of the choreography with ease,” Euphemia said. This time she didn’t smile. Regulus didn’t say anything. He could tell a “but” was coming up, he was just for her to say it.

Euphemia made a slight grimace before continuing, bobbing her head a little, as if unsure of how to convey her message.

“But… It’s lacking emotion. Big time. I need you not just to skate, Regulus, but truly embody Juliet here. Both the elegance and the beauty but the naivety too. The love, the grief, the tragedy of her. Her stubbornness, her innocence, her decisiveness. I need you to understand her, feel her, breathe her”

Regulus’ expression soured big time then. He didn’t understand why it was even so important first of all. And he had no idea how he was supposed to do what Euphemia was asking of him. 

“And how exactly do you want me to do that?” He bit, failing to soften the bitterness and harsh edge of his words. 

Euphemia offered him a sympathetic smile. One Regulus didn’t want but got regardless.

“You… you need to loosen up, Regulus.”

“Loosen up?”

“Yes,” She nodded. When Regulus just stared at her clearly still not understanding she sighed slightly. “What I'm trying to say is that before we start nitpicking at the technical things here, I need to see that you can actually convey the emotion as it is what carries this performance, breathes life into it. It is the exact thing that makes it shocking. When you’re skating it’s beautiful and breathtaking but it’s also…” She stared at him for a moment, gesturing a little with her hands, trying to find the word, “Empty.”

“Empty?” Regulus asked with a frown.

“Yes, empty.” She sighed. “There’s no edge. No emotion, none of the passion needed for this. It… well how do i put it?... It looks like you’re going through the motions. It looks so easy for you and normally that would be good but for this i need you to not look so… bored.”

“So my performance is boring?” Regulus simplified her statement and to his dismay Euphemia nodded though she did make a grimace at his blunt description. 

“Right now… yes. I’m afraid it’s boring. Beautiful but boring.”

“So…?” Regulus asked, trying to figure out what he was even supposed to do with all this.

Euphemia only sighed again, putting up a hand to rub slightly at her eyebrow.

“So… maybe go home and watch a movie rendition of the story for now. Start on the book. Look up pictures, soundtracks, everything. Really understand the story. Immerse yourself in it. Then we’ll see if that helps, hm?”

Regulus nodded, then, exhausted and quite frankly just wanting to go home. He did not see how any of that was supposed to help him skate better but he had several months to waste at this point and what did he have to lose? His nonexistent reputation? 

And so he went home, tired, his body aching from overuse. Euphemia had told him to slow down on several occasions, urging him to take more breaks, trying to get him to admit that his muscles were cramping. No matter how lacking Regulus thought she was, she was still an athlete. She knew what true exhaustion felt like, looked like. Even when he was panting though, the insides of his clothes feeling clammy with sweat, his feet a little numb and his leg caught in a cramp so bad it felt like he really would have to amputate it this time, Regulus just sat down on the ice holding up his hand, silently asking for water.

And he’d mutter out the words that had grown to become his lifeline. The only way to keep himself sane, to keep him going on.

“I’m fine,” 

Of course it had started as a way to please those around him. Mostly his parents. Sometimes Sirius. Doctors too. It kept them from asking too many questions. If you keep repeating it eventually people give up, even if they don’t really believe you most of the time. Eventually it became something for Regulus to cling onto as well. 

After Sirius left Regulus didn’t think he’d ever feel fine again. But as long as he kept saying he was, repeating it over and over again in his head, forcing himself to go on as if they really were true, then eventually he stopped asking himself questions about it, even if he didn’t really believe it. 

He thought he was fine now. But then again he couldn’t be too sure. He wasn’t even sure what fine felt like anymore. He was alive. He was still there, still going on. So he must be fine right? Or maybe it was all pretend. Maybe he was a better actor than he gave himself credit for. Maybe he’d fooled himself along the way. 

Still, it didn’t keep him from slightly regretting his decisions every time he went home and swallowed his painkillers, praying for them to just work so he’d get relief from the ache for even a little moment. Whether it was the ache in his body or the ache in his mind he wasn’t actually sure anymore. Maybe it was both. Maybe none of them. Maybe he just wanted to feel actually fine for a moment. Or maybe fine was the wrong term for it. Maybe he just wanted to feel nothing at all. Being a little drugged up was the closest he’d get to it.

That night he watched a movie adaptation of Romeo and Juliet just as Euphemia had told him to. It wasn’t like he had much else to do, other than staying up and listening to his own miserable inner monologue. It was the one with Leonardo DiCaprio. The movie. He didn’t really get it. He thought it was rather boring. But DiCaprio looked good enough for him to at least finish it. He went down to his father’s library too, fishing out a copy of Romeo and Juliet he thought he might have. He couldn’t see his father ever reading it. But then again there were many books in there he didn’t think his father had ever opened. 

He supposed he just liked owning things. Being able to tell people he had all the classics. No one ever cared enough to really ask about any of the books anyway so it wasn’t like he needed to read them probably. The people his parents hung around weren’t really interested in anything but themselves after all. Regulus thought they were all a bunch of pretentious assholes. He tried to listen in on conversations sometimes but it was so infuriating always having to hear a bunch of people pretending to listen to each other only to chip in with a new exciting story about their own life when the chance arose, basking in the illusion of everyone else listening to them, nodding along all dutiful. It was all an act. Nobody ever listened to each other. Regulus always found himself retreating to a corner at the end of dinner parties and events. Curling up with a book of his own. No one cared enough to notice he was gone. No one really cared that much about his presence. 

He started on Romeo and Juliet. He really did try. He liked books, classics too. He didn’t get very far before he was drifting off though, the words seeming to drag on for one long monologue about absolute nothingness. 

When he awoke he was still in his sweaty practice gear, with the new addition of a drool stain on the front of his shirt. Groggily and blinking sleep out of his eyes Regulus looked at the clock on his nightstand. 4:30 am said the bright red letters, blinking at him. He groaned in annoyance. He’d definitely have to fix the way he looked and smelled, so instead of going back to sleep like he so wished to, he got up out of bed and made his way to the downstairs bathroom. He knew he wouldn’t wake his parents if he showered down there. 

When he was done showering he went back up into his room only to find the abandoned copy of Romeo and Juliet lying on his bed, almost teasing him. He scowled, walking right over there and promptly threw it into a corner. He didn’t even care if it damaged it. His father would probably never even notice it was gone. 

Regulus sat down on his bed for a few moments. He still had an hour and a half before breakfast 6:30. His mother had decided to spare him from going to the rink early today since Euphemia couldn’t be there until later anyway and she could probably tell the state Regulus had been in last night. She didn’t want to overexert him after all. Not out of care of course. At least not for him as a person. More as an asset. She cared for him like you would care for a precious porcelain tea set. Making sure not to get chips in it, taking it out to let it look all pretty, but never really loving it. It’s just another precious thing . Maintain it but don’t love it. 

He sat for a few minutes just watching little droplets of water fall from his hair and hit his bare legs. He shivered slightly, his room was cold, but still he waited a bit while before actually putting on more clothes than his underwear. 

When he was done with that, he did something he hadn’t ever done before. He just felt like he needed to for some reason. The urge pulled at him like it always did, but just a little stronger today. Or maybe his will was just a little weak with fatigue. 

Sirius’ old room was completely empty, the air heavy with dust. His things had long since been thrown out, maybe even burned. Regulus honestly couldn’t put it past his mother to do something like that. She seemed like she didn’t just need everything that reminded her of Sirius out of sight when he had left. No, it was like she needed his existence wiped off this very earth entirely, every memory completely gone so nobody would ever find it. Maybe it was her way of coping, Regulus thought. Or maybe she was more angry about her failure to raise the perfect first born son than she was about losing Sirius himself. 

But no matter how hard Walburga tried, as long as Regulus lived, Sirius still existed. He existed in the crevices of Regulus’ brain. Where he had carefully hid the memories away, like small polaroids. Perfect little picture frames and fragmented memories of simpler times. 

Regulus looked around at the barren walls and he could still remember where every single one of Sirius’ posters had hung. The Nirvana and Blur ones in the middle, the Prince and David Bowie ones on the right side and the N*sync one he had bought and hung up cause he knew Regulus liked them better than the rock bands but was too scared to hang up a poster in his own room and face their mother’s wrath. That one had hung on the door. 

When he looked at the empty bed frame standing in the back left corner right next to the door out to the balcony - where Sirius would hide out and smoke cigarettes late at night sometimes if he was feeling extra rebellious - Regulus could almost imagine Sirius laying there smiling up at him softly as he entered, long limbs splayed out on his bed sheets, smelling like the horribly cheap perfume Sirius bought when he was 13. Regulus used to bury himself nose deep in them on nights when he’d have nightmares. Sirius would let him lay his head in his lap, as he stroked his hair, letting him look up at the ceiling at the painted constellations.

Regulus walked over to the empty bed frame, laying down on it even if it was rather uncomfortable. He stared up at the faded constellations that still remained up there. They hadn’t been Sirius’ work, really. His room used to be a nursery back when he was little and right before he was born Walburga had gotten all the constellations painted up there.

Regulus still wasn’t sure why his mother would do something like that. Something seemingly pointless, to simply do something for the sake of it for her son. It wasn’t like her at all. Regulus sometimes wondered if she cared about them at one point. Actually cared. 

He wondered if there was still some part of her that felt just a tiny bit sorry for all the things she'd done to Regulus and Sirius over the years. If there was a part of her that secretly still wished Sirius would one day come back.

He didn’t know. He’d never seen it and he couldn’t imagine it. But still, he liked to pretend that maybe there had been a time like that. That maybe his mother wasn’t actually the cold impenetrable fort that she made herself out to be. 

Sirius would later use the painted constellations to teach Regulus all he knew about them, pointing out the ones they were named after. Retelling the myths and stories of each singular star and constellation. When he ran out of facts or couldn’t remember any more he would just tell Regulus his own stories.

He would paint vivid imagery with his words, of the both of them flying right out of their window, high up above until they reached their stars. He told Regulus of how they’d play around up there. How they’d finally be free. 

“One day,” Regulus remembered Sirius telling him.

“One day when I get older I'm gonna buy a house for the both of us. Somewhere far away from the city so we can always see the stars. I’ll make sure the entire roof is made of glass. Then you can look up at the real constellations at night” Sirius had said. 

It had been a lie of course. Regulus realised that now. Or maybe it had just been a silly dream. Still Regulus had gotten so excited. The next few nights he spent planning out the home with Sirius. He vaguely remembered it ending up with two indoor slides, a big pool and a pet lion in the end. It was so silly. So stupid a memory to hold onto. Yet Regulus remembered it as if it happened yesterday. He still saw that house in his dreams sometimes.

Those were always the worst nights. Those dreams were so much worse than the nightmares. At least the nightmares didn’t feel so real. At least the nightmares left him happy and relieved when he awoke. When he woke up from the dreams of the little house on the top of a big hill in the middle of nowhere he wished he was dead. He wished he could wipe his own memory entirely. 

Before Regulus knew of it he was sobbing. He hiccuped desperately as he let tears and snot clog his throat. He didn't quite remember the last time he had cried like this. Maybe he hadn’t since the day he realised Sirius was gone and never coming back. Maybe ever since he realised Sirius wasn’t going to be there to coax him through his sadness with gentle smiles and kind words. 

He brought his hand up, trying to follow the trail of his hand moving between his and Sirius’ stars through his vision blurred by tears. They were so close. So so close. And yet they were in entirely different constellations. Never to truly unite. 

If any of his parents noticed his puffy tired eyes during breakfast none of them really mentioned it. That morning they seemed content to ignore him. Sometimes it was just like that. If they had nothing to be angry about, no new information, no anything, they’d really just ignore him. 

He had learned over the years that other families normally didn’t do this. They’d talk about all the irrelevant stuff. The parent would ask their kid how their day had gone and the kid would roll their eyes completely unafraid of earning a smack for it and say “It was fine ugh”. Their parents would pry, desperate to scoop up every little detail about their kid. They knew things about each other in families like that. Favourite colours, foods and tv shows. Little things. Irrelevant things. They cared about each other enough to remember each and every little thing. Cared enough to listen and ask questions and observe. They would pay attention to each other as if everyday was the last day they’d get to do it.

Regulus couldn’t remember a time his parents had done that ever. He wasn’t even sure if Sirius had ever done that. Maybe he had told his brother his favourite colour at some point. Regulus knew what Sirius’ favourite colour was, but that was only because he made sure everything he owned was either of those colours. Black or red. Regulus wasn’t sure if Sirius remembered his favourite colour now, or his favourite food. He probably didn’t. Why would he? 

He was the one who left Regulus to wither away in the very house he was so desperate to get out of. He was the one who decided he didn’t need Regulus anymore.

After breakfast was over he texted Pandora. Desperate to just not be alone anymore. As good as it had felt getting out those sobs earlier, sobs he had probably had pent up for years, he wasn’t really looking to do that again. He was just feeling too nostalgic that day. Too fragile. If he was alone he’d just break again eventually.  

“What’s up, Beautiful?” She asked casually when Regulus arrived at the park to find her on the exact same bench he’d seen her at when they first met. She giggled loudly when he looked away embarrassed trying to hide the blush creeping up his cheeks at the unexpected nickname.

“Not much. Just bored” He muttered, only looking back when he was sure his face wasn’t as bright red as a tomato anymore. Pandora smiled back at him softly, tilting her head slightly as she looked him in the eye.

“You sure?” She asked. Maybe she had seen something in Regulus’ face. A hint of the sadness Regulus hadn’t managed to hide well enough. 

He stared for a few moments before sighing and admitting,

“No,”

He wasn’t even sure why he chose to be honest. He didn’t have to. Normally he wouldn’t. He hated being honest and having to talk about his feelings. Normally he’d just say “I’m fine” but that day he’d been feeling all wrong from the start and he was so exhausted of telling everyone and himself that he was fine when he didn’t feel like it at all. 

Pandora nodded gently.

“What’s up then? Tell me about it,”

Regulus caught his bottom lip between his teeth, nervously biting off a little bit of loose skin there and looked away from Pandora. He should lie. Pandora wouldn’t understand. He didn’t have the energy to explain. Then again, her lack of understanding might make it easier. Less complicated. 

He thought about it a moment more before against his better judgement, he chose to be honest.

“I’ve just been thinking about my brother a lot today, that's all. Normally I try not to. Today it’s been a little harder. Don’t know why… sometimes it just is i guess”

He couldn’t see Pandora with how he was staring at his fingers nervously but he could imagine her nodding slowly as she studied him intently. Regulus felt a little lightheaded when he stopped talking. Honesty wasn’t something Regulus was used to. Even if he knew it was silly, the way his stomach lurched slightly as the words spilled out of his mouth, it didn't stop it. Pandora was the perfect person to be honest to. She knew nothing about his life, and nothing about the people in it. She had nothing to gain from spreading information about him and had no reason to use it against him. Besides, it's not like he was telling her some deep dark secret. He was not even going into detail about it. 

Still, it was weird and foreign and so Regulus took in a deep breath hoping that maybe the nausea would go away faster if he did so. 

“Your brother?” Pandora said and Regulus hummed low in agreement. 

“And thinking about him makes you sad?” Pandora asked, trying to understand. Regulus took an even longer pause then. It was frustrating how hard it was. Admitting to having feelings. Admitting he wasn’t actually fine all the time. But it was . Hard, that is. Regulus still somehow managed to make it through his steadily building nausea. Managed to win the fight against his stomach to get the words out. 

“Yeah,” He started and immediately cleared his throat after, when his voice came out quiet and hoarse, Regulus already getting choked up. Shit . “We uh… well he left home when we were both teenagers. I haven’t really spoken to him in a couple years now. Thought it’d get easier, but on days like these it really feels like i’m right back at 14 alone in my family home”

“So you were close?” Asked Pandora, which finally made Regulus look up at her, meeting her russet brown eyes and then immediately clearing his throat because the truth was he doesn’t know how to answer that question.

“Well, I… guess?” Is what Regulus ends up answering, sounding rather dimwitted. Pandora only cracked a smile, though, apparently deciding not to laugh about his stupidity. 

“He must’ve meant something to you if you miss him now. We don’t miss people who mean nothing to us” She smiled and Regulus nodded. He hadn’t really thought of his thinking about Sirius as being him “missing him”, maybe cause he didn’t want to admit it. He was still so angry at Sirius. So bitter and hurt for leaving him bleeding out with a wound that never really seemed to want to heal. So admitting he missed him still felt like such a massive defeat. This time however he decided he just couldn’t be bothered trying to pretend.

“Yeah. We were uh we were pretty close”

She hummed, smiling small to herself. Maybe she was happy she got him to open up. Perhaps she could sense how this was rather uncharted territory for him or perhaps she just thought the sentiment was nice. Nice to hear that they were close, at least before they parted ways.

“What’s his name?” She asked.

Regulus opened his mouth to tell her but paused for a second, finding it harder to utter the three syllables than he thought it would be. He hadn’t actually said his name out loud for years. He’d thought it. Thought it over and over again, just to keep the memory alive cause part of him couldn’t bear to let go even if he knew he probably should by then.

But he hadn’t dared actually uttering it. Maybe because he hadn’t been allowed. His mother would throw a fit if she ever heard him do so and also, what reason had he had? He hadn’t talked about Sirius ever since he left and he had no reason to call out his name out loud. Maybe he was afraid of doing so. He’d thought of it, admittedly. Thought of quietly calling out his name. Part of him has ached just to let it out. To let it free from his mind for a moment. Another part of him was terrified. Terrified of the inevitably silence that would follow it. The inevitable realisation that Sirius would not be responding. He would not come running to save him from nightmares or their parents or even just the cruelty of Regulus’ own mind anymore. He wouldn’t even hear him. Regulus didn’t even know where he was. 

Maybe he was somewhere else entirely. Maybe he was living somewhere in a foreign city, Drinking coffee at a French cafe or roaming the streets of New York. Maybe he found someone to actually live in that little house on the hill with. All Regulus knew was that he was not there anymore. Not next to him. Not there to hear him speaking his name. 

“Sirius.” Regulus finally managed and for a moment Pandora’s smile widened.

“Another star,” She stated quietly. Regulus nodded, finding himself laughing a little underneath his breath despite the hollow feeling in his chest.

“Yeah,” Regulus muttered, still chuckling to himself. 

“He used to teach me about the stars too. About our constellations. He told me that one day we’d fly up there and find them,” Regulus looked up toward the sky, then, and even though there were no stars visible, only the leaves rustling in the tree above them, he could still imagine them. He could still trace the lines of their constellations. He saw them so often. Whenever he closed his eyes, as if they'd edged themselves on the back of his eyelids.

Pandora looked up too, perhaps trying to imagine what he saw.

“That sounds nice,” She hummed melodically. 

“Mhm” Regulus said, closing his eyes and feeling the faint imaginary touch of Sirius’ fingers stroking over his hair, tucking it behind his ears. “It was. I used to think we really could. Fly to the stars, I mean. WIth Siri-” He choked on the name. It was still so weird saying it out loud. Saying it to another person. It still felt forbidden, dangerous. “With him, it just… it always felt like I could do anything. Like as long as he was beside me i really would fly if i jumped right out the window”

“I know that feeling,” Pandora said quietly after a few beats of silence following Regulus’ own little story. It made Regulus look at her again in slight surprise. For a moment he’d gotten so lost in memories, he had almost forgotten he was talking to another person. He hadn’t expected Pandora to understand his ramblings at all, let alone relate. 

“You do?” He said mildly shocked.

Taking in his surprise she giggled slightly before letting out a high pitched hum of agreement. 

“Yes, I do. Is that so surprising?” She asked, clearly finding his confusion a little amusing. Quite frankly Regulus didn’t understand what was so funny about it, and if it had been anyone else so blatantly laughing at his reactions he probably would’ve gotten mad. Pandora was different though. She was like rays of sunshine, like biting into the perfect apple, crunchy and juicy, like climbing trees under the summer sun. Looking at her smile was like looking directly at the blooming of a spring flower and Regulus didn’t have it in him to dim that shine for even a second. He had no idea how she did it. How she thawed the ice in his heart so easily. How she softened the solid walls he’d built up around himself. 

He knew he should be scared, terrified of this. He’d spent years building it all to protect himself from getting hurt. Keeping out people had always been a defence. It was so much easier to avoid the heartache if you never let someone in. Yet, Pandora was impossible to keep out. He found himself not just wanting, but needing to bask in her warmth at least a little longer. So he found himself smiling softly at her as he explained.

“I don’t know, I just… I guess I've always thought it was quite stupid. Childish to think like that. I thought it was only me who’d be stupid enough to ever believe in stuff like that”

Pandora's laugh softened into a small smile then as she tilted her head and shook it. 

“It’s not stupid, Regulus. Loving someone enough to feel like that is never stupid”

oh .

Love . 

It was a word that rolled so easy off her tongue. Yet, it hit Regulus right in his chest, clenching around his heart, tugging at it painfully. 

He knew that that was what it was. Love. He knew that was what he and Sirius had for each other. So much love. Maybe that was why he’d tried so hard to deny it. Why he had denied himself love for the rest of his life. Cause how was he supposed to come to terms with the fact that he lost something like that? Something so beautiful, so rare . How was he supposed to deal with the fact that he let that slip out of his fingers willingly? How was he supposed to live with the fact that he might never get to feel that for anyone ever again?

He wasn’t sure he knew how. He wasn’t sure how he was ever supposed to repair the gaping hole in his soul, Sirius had ripped right out of him when he left, enough to ever let someone in again. He didn’t want to go through that ever again. He was still going through that. 

Pandora must’ve noticed a change in his demeanour cause suddenly her hand was on top of his on the bench and she was staring into his eyes so deeply he was sure she must be peering right into the depths of his soul.

“Regulus… You’re not stupid for loving your own brother. You’re not stupid for missing him either. If anyone is stupid it’s him… for leaving someone like you”

Regulus frowned then. Guilt twisting uncomfortably inside his chest before settling at the base of his throat leaving a bitter taste in his mouth as he swallowed.

He wanted to believe her. To let her comfort him, just give in to her words. It was the exact thing he’d tried to convince himself for years. But it never worked then. And it didn’t now either. 

He still found himself wanting to disagree with her. Shake his head and explain to her that Sirius wasn’t stupid. That he probably would’ve left at some point too if Sirius hadn’t done it before him. He wanted to admit to her that in the deep dark crevices of his soul, even after trying to blame Sirius for the past five years for leaving him behind, he couldn’t. He couldn’t blame Sirius because looking at the facts, Sirius had every reason to leave and as it was back then… even if Sirius had actually come to him, begged for him to come with him, to run away with him to that house they’d always wanted, Regulus probably wouldn’t have gone with him. 

He would’ve begged and pleaded with Sirius to stay. Screamed at him for ever thinking of leaving. He might have even told their parents, just to sabotage his brother’s plans. Just to keep him there. Cause back then, the truth was just, that Regulus was far too young to understand just how horrible their circumstances was, too stubborn to admit that it was doing more damage than good, and way way way too scared to venture outside the faked sense of safety he’d built himself there to ever leave with Sirius. 

Because that’s what you do when you grow up in a home like the one Sirius and Regulus was born into. When all you ever experience is hurt and fear you learn to take those emotions and build yourself a little cocoon out of them. You learn to grow fond of them cause if not you go insane. You convince yourself you’re happy and content and that everything else is scary. At least that’s what Regulus did. It was all he could do to cope with the life he lived. 

He realised now that even that hadn’t worked. In the end he’d still ended up alone. He’d still ended up thinking he’d rather just be gone for good. He had tried to be gone for good. Of course he’d failed. He’d failed just like it seemed he did everything else in his life.  

He didn’t admit any of it though. No matter how much he did want to be as honest with Pandora as he had just been moments before, he didn’t have it in him. Cause how was he supposed to admit something to Pandora he hadn’t even quite admitted to himself yet?

“Yeah… yeah, I guess you’re right…” Regulus mumbled low, averting his gaze in shame, not able to look her in the eyes while he lied. 

Maybe Pandora knew he was lying. Maybe she could hear it or see it. She didn’t mention it though. She just ran her thumb over Regulus’ hand in comforting strokes. 

They sat like that for a while more before eventually Pandora had to go. Apparently, she had an assignment she needed to turn in. 

Regulus strolled around in the park a little while after that, though he quickly grew irritated. He was incapable of escaping his own thoughts and walking around there didn’t make it any easier. So instead he just headed for the rink a little earlier than he was actually supposed to. Maybe skating a bit by himself would help him take the edge off a little. 

Of course, he wasn’t that lucky cause immediately when he arrived he heard the distinct sounds of the hockey team playing, shouting and skating into eachother even before he entered the actual arena. 

He considered just leaving and coming back later but quickly found that he was simply too exhausted for that. He had come there now. Might as well just wait out till the hockey team finished in an hour for when it would be his turn to practise with Euphemia.  

So instead he found himself strolling into the arena and taking a seat in the stands. No one noticed him walking up there, all hockey players seemingly too immersed in their practice game. 

He couldn’t really tell any of them apart, with all their identical practice gear on and big helmets on. He only recognised James when he noticed “Potter” written out in big black letters on the back of his shirt. 

Regulus found himself scrunching up his nose in distaste the more he watched them. Hockey was really such an ugly sport. All they used the ice for was to get more momentum before eventually crashing into each other viciously. The arena was filled to the brim with the echoes of their shouts though most of it was hard to pick out from the cacophony.

“Watch out, buckteeth!”

“Oh fuck you!”

“Shoot a little less shit next time will you?”

“Hey! Where the fuck is the bloody defense line?! Come on guys, get your thumbs out of your arses!”

was just about all he could make out. None of it painted a very pretty picture. Still, he watched all of them. He understood none of it and he didn’t care to really try to. To him it looked like every other stupid sport chasing after some little ball, or in this case puck. He couldn’t see the point at all. 

So what? You just threw eachother into the boards - Regulus still flinching everytime they did, knowing that that must hurt like a fucking bitch even with the gear - and then you tried getting the little thing into the goal? Stupid . 

There was no art to it at all. To Regulus the ice had always been a tool to use for something way beyond himself. It was a way to do something you couldn’t do on the ground. To these people it was just a way to enhance the violence of an already violent type of sport. To go faster, harder, skating into each other.

He hadn’t even noticed how long he’d been sitting there for when suddenly he felt someone settling into the seat beside him. When he looked up, admittedly a little startled out of his own thoughts he saw Euphemia beside him, smiling warmly down at the hockey players.

“It’s a fascinating sport isn’t it?” She asked with a sort of tenderness Regulus thought should not be reserved from watching the current debacle going on down on the ice right then. “They use the same ice as us, but for a whole other different purpose.”

Regulus couldn't help but huff out a small bitter snort.

“It’s ridiculous.”

Euphemia looked at him then, smiling as if his annoyance was nothing but amusing to her.

“Why so?”

Regulus couldn’t help but gawk at her. How could she not see how stupid this was? How pointless the sport was. How it was nothing but an excuse to ram into one another on the ice all for a pointless purpose of winning something completely made up.

“It’s ugly” Regulus stated to which Euphemia quirked an eyebrow at him, still smiling just as amused.

“Ugly?” She inquired and Regulus nodded, resolute in his opinion.

“Yes. Ugly. It’s too… violent. It’s angry and raw in a way that disgraces the entire purpose of being on the ice itself”

“Raw you say?” She said then, seemingly thinking about that for a moment as she turned her head again to watch one of the hockey players being mercilessly slammed into the boards. 

“I suppose you’re right in that. Hockey is a very… emotional sport for many.”

“Emotional?” Regulus asked, not quite understanding.

“Yes. It’s very emotional. These people give it their all because they love it. They love each other too. They have each other's backs in a way only a sport can bring people together”

Regulus turned to stare at the hockey players again, then. He really was trying hard to see what she saw in it. The bond she talked about. But all Regulus could recognize was animosity and viciousness, not love or loyalty. He didn’t have to sit and stare for long though as Euphemia quirked up again, her tone soft.

“You know, in a way hockey is not that different from figure skating.” Regulus looked to her then, frowning and about to protest but she only glanced back at him and chuckled. “Yeah, I know you don’t agree but to me… it’s just another group of people giving it their all on the ice. It’s a display of emotions and desperation, just like the one we show. It’s just shown in a different way”

“It sure is a display of emotion” Regulus huffed with a grimace as one of the hockey players let out what could only be described as a loud war cry as they hurled the puck into the small goal at the far right end of the rink. “That doesn’t mean it’s beautiful. Some emotions aren’t meant for showing. Holding them in check is just as much of an art as releasing them, and these people clearly don’t know that”

Euphemia stared at him for a little while after that. She was smiling just the same, but her brows were furrowed slightly as if she was trying to figure out the solution to some puzzle Regulus had just thrown at her. 

“You hold back your emotions a lot don’t you?” She asked suddenly, making Regulus turn to her with wide eyes not expecting the sudden personal question.

“I- What?” He let out, completely dumbfounded. Her eyes only turned a little softer around the edges.

“It’s why my assignments have been so hard for you, isn't it?” She asked, and when Regulus didn’t answer she just kept going, firing another just as perplexing question at him, “It’s why this routine is so hard for you. Am I not right?”

Regulus frowned hard at her. What was he supposed to say? She was right, cause of fucking course she was. But he wasn’t going to admit that. He wasn’t going to admit something like this to anyone and especially not her. 

“You know maybe you could learn a thing or two from these people…” She said then, regarding the hockey team again. “They don’t think about looking pretty or pleasing anyone. They just give it their everything. They empty out every emotion inside them and let it spill into their sportsmanship and hope for the best”

Regulus stared at James skirting around on the ice. He stared at how he wove around people with a precision so skilled it no doubt came from years of training. He watched as he scored and then took off his helmet to shake hair dripping with beads of sweat out of his eyes and laughed to a girl beside him. James was beautiful. He really was. Regulus despised it of course, but there was no denying it. James Potter was an unbelievably beautiful boy, and how he managed to be that in a sport as ugly as ice hockey was astounding to Regulus. It wasn’t fair. 

“I don’t think i have much to learn from them at all” Regulus muttered, not bothering to hide the bitter edge as he glared at James.

Euphemia was quiet for a moment beside him then and when Regulus finally turned to look at her to see what was keeping her from speaking she looked like an idea had just occurred to her. As if she had just found the solution to all her problems. 

She turned her head to look at him and Regulus felt uncomfortable with just how wide her grin was becoming at this point, her eyes wild with excitement.

“No, Regulus I… I think this exactly what we need, actually”

“What?”

“You need to learn to let go right? Who better than to learn it from than these people?”

Regulus just stared at her blankly. He wanted to protest and argue but he felt completely stumped. This idea in itself was so ridiculous, so outlandish. Learning how to do his own sport from someone who played a whole other one. How in the world was that supposed to work?

He also knew however that there was no arguing. Euphemia had that certain spark in her eye that told Regulus it didn’t matter how much he complained. She was already sure that this was the solution to everything. 

That didn’t mean he was just going to go with it that easily however. He did not like this idea and he’d do his best to make sure it failed.

Chapter Text

James laughed loudly, feeling the way his chest heaved trying to take in air, as he stopped on the ice to take off the heavy helmet on his head. 

“Good shot!” Marlene exclaimed, skating over to bump into him in a friendly gesture as she too laughed breathlessly and took off her helmet, blonde waves spilling out from underneath it. 

“No it wasn’t,” James chuckled, shooting her a knowing look. He was referencing the goal he just scored on her. He was right. It had not been his best shot at all, and Marlene definitely could’ve blocked it. James had an inkling suspicion that he knew why she didn’t though. “You’re just too distracted staring at Meadowes to properly play” James said and then let out a small yelp as Marlene pushed him hard, nearly throwing him off balance. 

He always forgot just how strong that girl was, despite her being a goalkeeper and rather small in stature. 

“Not my fault she looks so good in her gear,” Marlene shrugged, staring off at where Dorcas Meadowes, their fellow teammate, was now pulling off her helmet as well, across the rink. Dorcas didn’t notice their eyes on her, too occupied with yelling annoyedly at Crouch, who was only laughing back at her. Those two always bickered like children and it wouldn’t be the first time James would have to break the two apart. Despite it, they were also rather close, in their own strange way. James knew that as much as Dorcas would go off on Barty she would absolutely throw a punch ten times harder at anyone who tried to insult barty themselves. That was apparently only something she got to do. It seemed to go the other way too, though mostly Dorcas never needed any help fighting her own battles. 

If you ever asked them how they knew each other, Barty would tell you “childhood friends” and Dorcas would respond and correct him, “Childhood enemies,”

Marlene was James’ own childhood best friend. They’d been neighbours ever since Marlene moved in beside his family at 7 years old. The girl, despite being rather short back then and having teeth a little too big for her face and choppy lopsided bangs that she no doubt cut herself, Marlene was a very tough little girl. 

James had liked her from the very beginning when he’d met her at the park close to their houses.

“What are those?” She had asked, pointing toward his eyes with her face scrunched up in confusion. He had been sitting in the little sandbox when she came up to him but James had never minded other kids talking to him so he just responded with a smile,

“Those are my glasses!”

She had rolled her eyes at him as if he was stupid.

“I know that, Dingus. But why do they make your eyes so big? Like a fly?”

James had thought about that for a little while then. He knew now that he probably should’ve been offended by such a comment but something about Marlene amused him. She wasn’t trying to be mean, she was just painfully blunt and something about that was oddly endearing to James even back then. He liked honesty. 

“I don’t actually know,” He had answered truthfully.

She tilted her head slightly then as if considering his words and then she nodded a little.

“Well, they make you look like a right tosser,” She’d said without so much as a hint of sarcasm. 

Back then James’ parents had been very careful not to teach him any swear words and so he’d only blinked at her as he asked,
“Tosser?”

She nodded quickly with no hesitation.

“Yeah, a tosser,” She confirmed, not bothering to explain the word. When James didn’t say anything she just continued on, asking him as she stared at him,

“Want to play dinosaurs then?”

And that had been that. From there on out Marlene and James had been inseparable. They went to the same school too, and the same class. Of course when Sirius came along as well it became a little complicated. Marlene was very jealous for a while, being a very territorial kid but as they grew up and Marlene found other friends as well it all just kind of clicked into place. 

Marlene had started playing hockey because James did. James was still pretty sure she had a crush on him back then but Marlene would always adamantly deny it. She’d quickly figured out that she liked the sport though and decided to continue on with James to Haverfield as well, to play. 

There she met Dorcas. And their relationship right from the start had always been… complicated. When they first started on the hockey team Dorcas hated Marlene’s guts. James never quite actually figured out what about her had made Dorcas so viciously dislike her but it didn’t matter anyways cause Marlene was set on Dorcas from the very start. She had seen her and the very next day she had told James it must be love at first sight. 

James had been happy on his friend’s behalf but seeing as how Dorcas would only touch her to shove her out of her way and look at her to glare, James hadn’t been too convinced that it would actually go anywhere. 

Safe to say he had been quite puzzled when Marlene told him her and Dorcas had hooked up halfway into first year. What commenced then was the most confusing friends with benefits situation James had ever witnessed. Marlene was head over heels in love with Dorcas but refused to admit it meanwhile Dorcas seemingly still hated everything about Marlene except when they were actively having sex. James didn’t understand, and admittedly he was still a little concerned for his friend's feelings but even then, it was her decision. And if she decided that this somehow was what she wanted then he’d support her with all his might. 

“And when are you going to tell her you’re hopelessly in love with her?” James laughed to which Marlene only sent him a glare.

“I’m not in love with her. I’m just very appreciative of her. I mean look at her!”

James couldn’t help but snort at Marlene as he pulled off his gloves and started to make his way toward the rest of their teammates who were gathering on the other end of the rink. 

“Whatever you say, McKinnon,” James laughed, shooting Marlene a teasing look over his shoulder.

“Fuck you too, Potter,” Marlene bit right back, though James could practically hear her grinning behind him. 

It was only when James started heading for the others that he looked up to the stands. It was a passing glance truly and he wasn’t prepared to see anyone, but suddenly his breath caught in his throat as his gaze fell upon his mother and Regulus sitting side by side. 

They were both looking down toward him. His mother smiled when he caught her eye and James had the instinct to smile back but it was so hard when Regulus sat there too, staring at him, frowning big. 

James realised then that the hockey team must’ve been a little late to end their practice. Otherwise his mum and Regulus wouldn’t be there. He would look at the clock to see just how late but he couldn’t take his eyes off Regulus. 

Regulus didn’t shy away from the eye contact either. He held his gaze and James couldn’t help but wonder what exactly stirred inside Regulus’ brain. What made him stare at him with such clear distaste. It was almost annoying too, how beautiful Regulus looked with the low evening sun pooling in from the windows in the arena, cascading him in a golden hue. Regulus looked so cold to the touch even in the warm glow of the sun, but there was no denying the fact that he shined. 

He looked just as hollow as he always had and it saddened James. He didn’t know where it came from, the need to make Regulus feel something, the need to make him smile or do anything other than frown at him. Maybe it was the people pleaser in James or his need to fix things. His need to make those around him happy. Yet, with Regulus it was so much stronger than that. 

James knew he should stay away. He knew he should leave Regulus to be but it was so hard when the other was like a black hole in the galaxy, somehow swallowing up the whole world around him, James included. Drawing him in until James could see no more than those cold grey eyes. 

Eventually James did manage to snap his eyes away when he nearly bumped right into Barty Crouch who was still standing with a big smug grin on his face as he got chewed out by Dorcas.

“You’re too slow!” Dorcas barked at Barty with annoyance in her eyes. “You nearly missed my pass!”

“But I didn't miss it, did I, Meadowes?” Barty let out to which Dorcas only huffed and rolled her eyes.

“No, but you might’ve . Honestly, Barty, would it kill you to take something seriously for once in your miserable fucking life?”

“Maybe not, but I don't care much to try anyway” Barty shrugged with an annoyingly smug laugh. Dorcas opened her mouth to say something more but just then James decided to step in, tired of hearing their endless bickering. 

“How about we put a pin in this conversation, hm? We’re already late in finishing up practice and we're all tired so let’s just go home yeah?”

Barty nodded and skated off easily, giving James a pat on the shoulder on his way. Dorcas looked like she wanted to argue but just then Marlene skated up beside James.

“Good game, guys. You did well, Dorcas” Marlene commented smiling at Dorcas.

Dorcas didn’t return the smile. She only crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at Marlene as she glared at her. 

“I know I did. Can’t say the same about you though, Mckinnon. Get your shit together, will you?” 

“Oh, feisty today, are we?” Marlene chuckled to which Dorcas only narrowed her eyes even further.

“Fuck off,” She bit before she was turning around with a graceful flip of her hair and skating off toward the exit. 

Marlene looked at James then with a smile so big James thought he must’ve hallucinated the interaction cause what about that could make Marlene smile so lovingly. 

“She’s coming around to like me, i can feel it”

James only chuckled.

“If you say so,”

He headed for the exit too then, following the others out where they were starting to head for the door. Most of his team just went back to their dorm rooms to change out after late practices like these where no one had anywhere they were going right afterward anyway, preferring to take a bath in their own bathrooms instead of the locker rooms provided in the arena. James however decided to just shower there, needing just a moment alone to think about everything before going back to the flat where Sirius was very much still being extremely odd.

Sirius had gotten to the almost hysterical phase of his denial. He was hyperactive and uncomfortably happy and energetic, and even though these were all things Sirius could be on a normal day too, it was never like this . The way he was currently was only just another product of trying to desperately hide from his own emotions. To stay moving and bouncing off the walls the entire day just so he wouldn’t have to confront his reality and then he’d crash early in the evening falling asleep easily, exhausted after having used up all his energy. 

James was going to be there for Sirius throughout the entirety of the process of course. He was grieving his brother all over again, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Didn’t know how to live comfortably with the fact that he might be just around the corner whenever he went to class. James would hold him even when he eventually broke as well. He’d be there to hold him up when Sirius would eventually reach the point where it’d be hard to stay standing, to keep going on. But James was just as human as anyone was too.

It was exhausting, having to care so much for everyone around him all the time. Of course, he had Remus helping him out too, and caring for James too, but James didn’t want the other to worry about him. It wasn’t James who was hurting. Sure, it definitely wasn’t easy having to feel guilty every time he saw Sirius at the flat and then guilty all over again every time he saw Regulus at the rink but, it was fine. He’d be fine. 

James watched his teammates all filter out through the exit, yelling goodbye to all of them before he sighed and let his cheery smile fall off his face. He rubbed his face a couple times trying to force away the exhaustion at least a little. He felt like he could fall asleep right there on the arena benches but he just needed to keep himself going for a moment more. He just needed to shower and think straight for a moment and then he’d go home and relax.

James headed for the locker room but stopped right outside the door when he heard voices filtering out from where the door was slightly ajar. He pushed it open a tiny bit to see Regulus and his mum talking inside. Right. They were still there. Somehow he had forgotten for a moment but of course they were. They were getting ready for practice now. 

James was just going to announce his presence so as not to startle them by walking in but as he caught the tail end of their conversation he instead kept quiet listening in. 

“And how exactly is getting a hockey player to assist going to teach me anything?” Regulus hissed petulantly at James’ mom. 

They were standing with their sides to James, clearly too enthralled in their own conversation to notice him just lingering in the doorway. 

James watched his mother as she smiled, clearly trying to explain something as gently as she could to Regulus, but to James it was obvious she was a bit exhausted. Clearly this wasn’t an easy conversation.

“It’s not supposed to teach you anything, not about skating at least, Regulus, you’re already skilled on your own. I just want to get someone in to maybe help you feel something on the ice. Let loose a little. Have some fun,” James watched his mother explain. Regulus’ entire face scrunched up then in clear frustration and James couldn’t help but stare at him and wonder how someone could still look so good while making such a sour expression.

“I’m not here to have fun , I’m here to do well” Regulus hissed and James watched as his mother both tensed and deflated a little at the same time clearly having no idea how to go about convincing Regulus of whatever she was trying to.

“And you are doing well, Regulus! But we have so much time and I just want you to, for a moment, skate not because you have to, or to be good at it, but just to do it! Do it because it feels good! I really think these guys could help you do that! The entire hockey tream would tell you any day that they wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for the fact that they loved every second of it!” James could tell just how invested his mother was in this as she gestured wildly, while still keeping her eyes directly on Regulus the entire time trying to convey her message clearly.

Regulus crossed his arms and rolled his eyes at her and James felt himself being a little upset at how he was treating his mother but then again Regulus clearly was just frustrated about not getting his own point across. 

“And so what? You’re gonna get some hockey player in here and we’re gonna spend hours just skating around trying to have fun? Who would even agree to do that?”

James knew he should stay out of it. He knew he shouldn’t involve himself anymore than he already had and he knew he definitely should stay away from Regulus, especially when he was clearly annoyed already. 

But James had already made his mind up that he was going to fix things between Sirius and Regulus. He hadn’t forgotten that. In fact he had thought about it just about every night he went off to bed. Of course he had no idea how to go about it. He would have to get closer to Regulus, but going up and just talking to him didn’t seem like it would very much work. Regulus seemed to hate the very idea of having to interact with James for more than two seconds.

But now… now James had a chance in. He had the golden chance to maybe, just maybe, actually do something. Fix something. 

He didn’t even think twice before he was suddenly stepping forward the sound of his footsteps alerting the two people of his presence as they looked toward him. None of them got to ask any questions about it though before James was already speaking up.

“I would.”

Regulus’ eyes snapped to him then and it wasn’t long before he was biting out a surprised,
“What?”

“If you need a hockey player, which it sounds like you do, then I'm up for it,” James shrugged, trying to sound as casual as possible. As if this was just a simple favour and not the exact moment he’d been looking for.

Regulus huffed out a slight laugh, in clear disbelief as he crossed his arms.

“I don’t need a-”

“Actually we do!” Euphemia quickly interrupted, earning herself a sharp surprised glare from Regulus which she completely ignored instead beaming at James.

“You sure you’re up for it though?” She asked, quietly trying to convey her concern for the situation, giving Regulus only the tiniest of glances. James knew she must be confused. The last thing he was telling her was that Regulus had no idea Sirius was just around the corner and that they should probably be careful that Regulus wouldn’t find out. 

This move from James didn’t really make sense in that context. This should only make things much more complicated. And it would, eventually. James knew that. He knew he was probably getting himself into something way over his head. The thing about James though, was that he never really thought about it before, he just carelessly threw himself into things. Always driven by his heart first, not his logic.

“Yeah I'm up for it,” James nodded resolutely, giving his mother a clear gaze that he hoped said “I’m sure about this. Don’t worry about it,” 

His mother still looked a bit unsure but she didn’t get to say much more before Regulus intervened again, too stubborn to be left out of the conversation.

“No, wait, no . I didn’t agree to this. I don’t need this,” He complained, gesturing toward James and staring at Euphemia with wide eyes. 

Euphemia only looked between them for a few moments, before shaking her head at Regulus’ request to tell James no.

“If James is up for this then I'm taking him up on the offer. I really think this could do good for the routine, Regulus. For you,” 

“And I am. Up for it” James confirmed again.

Regulus only stared at the two of them before sighing annoyed and bringing up his hands to rub at his temples. 

“I am not up for this idea, at all” He grumbled maybe realising that he wasn’t going to get to have much say in this. Euphemia glanced at him sympathetically but ultimately chose to ignore his refusal. 

“It’s settled now. This is ultimately my call as coach, Regulus, and sorry, but right now I am doing what I see best fit,” She stated, her voice a little firmer now, looking at Regulus who only ignored her and instead just shook his head as he kept rubbing annoyedly at his temples. Then she looked up at James.

“I’ll look at all of our schedules and figure out the times it works best for all of us to meet up and train alright?”

James nodded his head, trying to fight the small smile, at how everything seemed to be working out in his favour despite Regulus’ clear dismay. 

Euphemia smiled, clapping her hands in excitement as she smiled brightly. 

“Great then! Regulus, I'll hop out onto the ice. You just get ready and meet me when you’re all changed out,”

She glanced at Regulus again and he still ignored her, now just grumbling quietly to himself. She moved for the door then, only stopping for a moment to put a hand on James’ shoulder and muttering quietly.

“Thank you, Putt. You didn’t have to do that,” 

James smiled at her warmly. 

“Don’t worry i wanted to,” 

She hesitated for a moment then, as if she had more to say. James knew what it probably was as he saw concern twisting her smile ever so slightly. She was worried that James was doing something foolish here, that he was going to regret this. James knew that there was a big chance she was right. At the same time, though, he was fine with that. If it meant he had even the slightest chance of fixing things then he’d do it any day.

“I’ll be fine, mum…” He muttered quietly, giving her hand still on his shoulder a small squeeze. “We’re going to be fine,” 

She let out a small breath then, staring at his face for a moment more, before nodding and smiling warmly again.

“Good,” She said, giving the side of his head a small kiss before leaving out of the door, letting it slip shut behind her. James watched it slip closed, momentarily caught up in his own thoughts. He spun around however at the sharp sound of Regulus’ voice

“What are you doing?”

James turned to see Regulus staring at him, his gaze so sharp it should be able to cut right through James. James felt himself take in a slight sharp breath at the clear animosity there. Right . This wasn’t going to be easy at all, James was suddenly rudely reminded. Cause not only was he Regulus’ long lost brother’s best friend, a fact Regulus had no idea about. No, it wasn’t only that complicating things, because of course it wasn’t. James could never just have it easy could he? Regulus also seemed to just fucking hate everything about James. The mere sight of him. And all of this certainly wasn’t making him like James any more.

Still James decided to play dumb, blinking slightly at Regulus as he mused.

“What do you mean?”

Regulus only narrowed his eyes at James, clearly not fooled by his act. James might not have known Regulus for long but he had gathered one thing, which was that Regulus wasn’t stupid. It only made sense. Sirius was incredibly intelligent too even if his habit of acting on the dumbest impulses could make it seem otherwise, and if Regulus was anything like his brother at all, then he wouldn’t be easily fooled.

Maybe it was a product of their childhood. James wasn’t sure. But he had quickly gathered that both brothers were scarily observant, picking up on every little clue that a person was lying to them. Always being cautious around everyone, carefully watching their every move. He could practically see the nobs turning inside Regulus’ brain as he stared at James, trying to figure out why he would agree to this. The thing was just, Regulus was at a disadvantage there. He didn’t have the final puzzle piece and James wasn’t going to offer it to him.

“Why are you doing this?” Regulus asked, his tone sharp and bitter and his jaw set tight. 

James had to try his very hardest not to shift awkwardly. He was going to have to lie. He was going to have to do the one thing he was horrible at, and it seemed like Regulus wasn’t the type to take someone lying to him very lightly. So James swallowed up the little knot in his stomach and tuned out the voice in his head screaming “Liar! Liar!” as he shrugged, feigning casual indifference.

“Why not? I want to help,” 

Regulus let out a cruel sharp laugh, then, taking one step forward as he stared up at James with so much hate one would think James had just done something actually horrible.

“And what makes you think i want your fucking help, Potter?” 

James knew he should keep down his smug smile at that. He knew it wouldn’t do him any good. In fact he was pretty sure it would only upset Regulus even more. But still James was a hopeless case of a human being and a very pretty boy did just say his name.

“You remembered my name,” James said, not doing much to fight the smirk that tugged on his lips. It had been weeks since he and Regulus had last talked and he couldn’t help but take at least a little pride in even as silly a fact as that.

Regulus didn’t look very impressed however, only frowning deeper.

“Not very hard when it’s plastered on your jersey,” He spat and for a moment James just kept smiling smugly at him. Surely Regulus was just coming up with an excuse. Then Regulus gestured toward James’ chest with his eyes and James looked down only to realise oh right his name was actually written on his shirt. The small letters there very clearly read “James Fleamont Potter”.

James frowned a little at it, before looking up again only to find Regulus rolling his eyes and him. And despite the fact that he was very clearly trying to fight it James could clearly see the small smirk tugging on Regulus’ lips.

“Find that funny, do you?” James asked, suddenly smiling brighter than ever all over again, oddly smug about having succeeded in making Regulus show any other emotion than annoyance. He knew he probably shouldn’t be that happy about it. Regulus was just laughing at James’ own stupidity but still it was a start. 

Quickly Regulus looked up, the small smile disappearing immediately.

“No,” He commented quickly, frowning all over again. James sighed then, realising that Regulus was still insistent on keeping him out.

“Well, I'll see you at our next practice then,” James smiled, moving to walk past Regulus and over toward his locker. 

Regulus let him move past him as he eyed him with quiet scrutiny. James nearly got all the way over to his locker before Regulus was speaking up again.

“I really don’t need you, James, and I don't care what the coach thinks. I’m not training with you,”

James couldn’t help the smile on his face as he looked over his shoulder to see Regulus still standing where he was before, staring at him now with the same cold unreadable expression James had seen right when he had first met him. 

“Well, then i guess i’ll just come and not train with you,”

Regulus stared at him for a moment more, maybe trying to figure out if James was really being serious. When James didn’t shy away from it, staring at him with the same carefree smile, Regulus finally let out a low scoff and turned around shaking his head in quiet annoyance.

“putain de fou” Regulus muttered underneath his breath and James felt slight shivers run over his skin at the sound of Regulus’ delicate voice curling around the foreign words.

This was going to be interesting wasn’t it? James thought as the sound of Regulus slamming the locker room door shut echoed through the mostly empty room. It was going to be difficult too. Very difficult, James was now realising.

Still, he couldn’t help the small smile as he shrugged off his clothing and headed for the showers. This was going to be very interesting indeed.

When James stepped into the flat an hour later he was still smiling to himself. He went right over to the couch where Remus was reading a book, plopping down beside him with an exhausted sigh.

Sirius wasn’t there so James assumed he was in his room. Remus looked up, lazily from his book for a moment, only to go right back to reading as he muttered a greeting.

“Hi, James,” 

James hummed in acknowledgment as he sat down kind of just staring off into space still smiling to himself. He wasn’t even really sure what he was smiling about anymore. It was just that a pleasant kind of feeling had stuck with him the past hour. 

Maybe it was feeling like he did finally have a solution. Maybe it was just talking to Regulus, though he really should not be entertaining that idea at all. 

He sat there for a moment more just silently smiling at nothing until finally Remus had had enough of his strange behaviour.

“What has you all smiley then?”

James turned to look at him, only mildly surprised that Remus noticed his rather odd mood. Remus knew James had been a little stressed lately, trying to stay up for everybody around him, so this definitely was a bit of change. Besides, Remus was always observant so he did tend to notice things rather quickly.

“Oh, nothing particular really,” James sing-songed, making Remus quirk an eyebrow at him as a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips as well.

“ Sure… ” Remus chuckled sarcastically, clearly not believing him at all, “And does this nothing have a name?” 

“So you just assume I'm smiling about a person? I could just have had a good day y’know” James said, looking toward Remus trying his best to feign mock offence. He wasn’t smiling about someone , he was smiling about this entire situation. At least that’s what he told himself. Because he couldn’t exactly be smiling about just making Regulus smile. That would be absurd. He shouldn’t be smiling about that alone. Shouldn’t be smiling solely because of Sirius’ brother. The brother Sirius was trying hard to keep out of his life. James knew that, but that didn’t stop his mind from replaying the moment over and over again. It didn’t stop him from remembering Regulus’ french. 

And for some reason he didn’t really feel guilty about it. He knew he should. He knew it would probably set in at some point. Because paired with the dream he’d had about Regulus too, and the way he could never seem to keep his mind off the boy it was weird. Worrying. Yet, James didn’t quite have it in him to really do anything about it. 

He’d worry about that later. For now he’d just let himself smile for a moment. 

Remus wasn’t content however on just letting him smile without reasoning.
“Well yeah I think it’s a person. I don’t know what else would have someone smiling like that,” Remus laughed.

“Smiling like what?” James retorted. He thought he was smiling pretty normally. This was just another one of his usual smiles wasn’t it? How was it different?

“Like you’re 15 and just saw your crush in the hallway” Remus said and that made James let out a small huff of laughter. 

“I am not smiling like a 15 year old with a crush!” James exclaimed, to which Remus only gave him a “You sure about that?” look which James promptly rolled his eyes at.

“Fine then. A 20 year old with a crush. So who is it?”

“No one,” James repeated. Because it was no one. He didn’t have a crush, and he was not smiling about anyone. He was just smiling. He was just smiling about nothing at all and-

“You have a crush?!” Sirius gasped behind him and James didn't even get to turn and look before Sirius was pouncing on him with all the excitement in the world. He jumped onto the couch immediately fixing James with wide eyes and a big grin. “And you didn’t tell me?!?” Sirius nearly yelled with an offended gasp. 

And suddenly the shame is definitely there. All the shame and guilt and James innerly hissed at himself for ever being stupid enough to think it wouldn’t come. Because Jesus Christ Sirius still looked so much like Regulus, and suddenly James realised that he was smiling about Regulus. He realised that he should never be smiling about Regulus. Because what the hell was he doing? 

He was going to fix things. Fix things between the brothers. That was what he had told himself he would do. And now he was suddenly realising that that wasn’t the only reason he had said yes to help Regulus out. 

Somewhere deep deep inside James, in a place he didn’t dare venture to and explore, he just wanted to be closer to Regulus. And as soon as that thought even crossed his mind, James was shutting it down because no no no, absolutely not. Never . 

It was horrible. A horrible horrible thought. He couldn’t do that to Sirius. He shouldn’t have ever even looked twice at Regulus because James knew how much Sirius was still hurting all because of him but James had looked at Regulus. He had looked at him and thought he was absolutely breathtaking. He had told himself it was his skating, his resemblance to Sirius, his perplexing attitude, everything else but James knew it wasn’t. Deep down he knew.

And now as Sirius sat glowing with excitement in front of him he realised that that should’ve never happened. He should’ve never let that happen. And so James shut it down, deciding to bury it deep in the pits of his soul, to never look twice at it again as he quickly let out a, 

“No i don’t”

Remus however had decided not to help him at all today.

“Yes he does” 

“No i don-” James tried again but it was no use. It was never any use with these two.

“You’re blushing!” Sirius exclaimed before giggling like a madman “So you do have a crush! Who is it?” Sirius let out in one big blurt of excitement. James wanted to dig himself into a hole. This was horrible, no , this was a fucking trainwreck. The worst part being that this was the most genuinely happy James had seen Sirius ever since he was told his brother was back. 

“It’s nothing. It’s no one, I told you” James shot a glance at Remus trying to convey that he absolutely did not want this conversation to continue but Remus only laughed at him, shrugging his shoulders as if he couldn’t do anything about it. 

“Oh come on! It can’t be that bad! Just tell me!” Sirius said, lifting his hands to put them on James’ cheeks as he stared deep into his eyes.

“Is it a girl?” He asked, seriously, and James sighed.

“No, there’s no-”

“A boy then?” Sirius smiled as he asked.

“No-” James tried again but he knew as soon as he averted Sirius’ gaze in shame that Sirius was onto him.

“Oh it’s a boy! Remus, there's a boy!” 

James heard Remus laugh behind him and could feel his cheeks heating up the more this conversation went on. James couldn’t lie. He was so bad at lying and Sirius was so good at digging out the truth from him. 

He needed to put this conversation to an end before it went somewhere he didn’t want it to go.

“Whatever. This is stupid. I’m leaving you guys,” James said, moving back and out of Sirius’ grip as he swiftly got up from the couch to go up to his room. 

Sirius pouted at him from the couch as he whined.

“Aw come on! We wanna hear the details,” Sirius blinked up at him, giving James his very best puppy eyes. James nearly let out a sigh. Those eyes always worked. They always made James spill out every dirty secret he’d ever had. This time it wouldn’t though. This time James refused. Quickly he looked away and started moving around the couch and toward the stairs. 

“Nope. Not doing this with you today. Fetch me when dinner’s ready, will you?” He muttered ignoring Sirius protesting whines as he practically leapt up the stairs.

It was only when he was inside his room that he let out a shaky breath. 

No. no. no.  

He wasn’t going to let this happen. Lying was not an option. It never was for James. And so he had one other option. 

He wanted to fix things between Sirius and Regulus. That in itself wasn’t going to be easy. 

It definitely wouldn’t become easier if he now started to think about Regulus smiling at him, and felt good about it. He knew what this meant. He knew what this was the start of. He had had enough crushes throughout his life to know exactly how they always started and he was not letting this one continue on. It simply would not do. 

So as he stood there, quietly cursing to himself, he decided to push all of it down. He needed to stay rational here. For once in his goddamn he needed to think with his head and not his heart cause clearly his heart was being dumb and fluttery all because of a stupidly pretty face, not even thinking about the fact that it belonged to the one person James Potter should never even think about like that. 

So James pushed it down. He swallowed his feelings up and locked them away and threw away the key. 

That was just how it was going to be. 

It wasn’t like it was serious anyway. He could never actually have feelings for Regulus. His mind was just being strange on top of all the stress, and Regulus was very pretty. It was fine. It was just a little weird mix up. Like when you get a little too drunk and kiss your friend cause they look really good that night but it doesn’t mean anything cause you don’t actually like them.

Yes. Right. That’s all it was. So everything was settled then. 

James sighed, running a hand through his hair as he slumped down onto his bed and picked up his phone.

He smiled when he saw a message from his mum and opened it up immediately.

Mum: Hiya, Putt! I’ve looked at all of our schedules and if you don’t have anything else you’re doing then it looks like Friday 8pm is going to be the best time for you to come and train with Regulus. Hope it works for you! - Love, mum.

James stared at the message for a while. Right, yes. He was going to train with Regulus. He was going to train with Regulus and it was going to all be to eventually reunite him with Sirius and no other reason at all. He was going to go and meet up with Regulus and think about how not beautiful and frankly ordinary looking he really was because that was the rational thing to do James decided.

That was that. That was what it was going to be.

Chapter Text

Regulus was going to fucking murder James Potter.

Because of course that fucking idiot just had to waltz right in with his stupidly huge grin and his stupidly pretty smile and fuck everything up for Regulus. Surely, nobody would have ever volunteered if it wasn’t for James. No hockey player would’ve ever agreed to the idea because it was stupid. It was so stupid, but of course James was stupid enough to agree to it.

The most irritating part was that Regulus had no idea why he did it. He could not for the life of him figure out why James would ever agree to such a stupid plan without hesitation when he quite literally had no need to do so whatsoever. On the first day, sure he had seemed weirdly eager to try and talk to Regulus but had promptly stopped. For the next two weeks he hadn’t so much as glanced at Regulus, at least not when he knew Regulus could see him. Except of course for that one time Regulus looked back but that in itself was odd too. 

Everything about James was so odd, so weird and unpredictable and Regulus hated it. He hated not knowing where he stood with people mostly because he almost always knew. Usually humans were awfully predictable creatures. Creatures of habit, acting on whatever they desired for or believed in most. If you just figured out what to look for then it was never really too hard to figure out why people did what they did, what they wanted. 

Regulus had gotten good at it. He had grown to find comfort and safety and stability in it. James had gone and fucked it all up, throwing Regulus completely off track while he strained his mind trying to figure out what the fuck his problem was.

Was he trying purposefully to get on Regulus nerves? Certainly it had worked if that was his plan, but then the weeks of staying out of his way didn’t make sense at all. That ruled out the possibility of him liking Regulus out too as it simply seemed too far fetched. He didn’t seem like he wanted Regulus to like him either, he just seemed adamant on being there. Regulus had no fucking idea what to think of it and it drove him absolutely mad.

So, during the entirety of his fifteen minute drive to the arena that Friday, he spent every second carefully planning out every single way he could kill James Potter.

With the blade of his skates.

Smashing his head in on the ice or the boards. 

He could kill him with his bare hands. 

Wrapping them around that pretty throat of his, squeezing as he watched James’ eyes roll back in his head. He could run his hands over his tan skin, over the broad expanse of his chest. He wondered if the skin there was just as tan, he probably had abs too-

“Shit,” Regulus huffed out as he realised his thoughts were going in an entirely wrong direction. Hate and lust seemed to be very easily intertwined, at least in Regulus’ mind and that should be mildly concerning. He would probably be a bit concerned with it if it wasn’t for the fact that he was so consumed by absolute rage.

“Something frustrating you today?” Len chuckled, having watched Regulus quietly seethe for the last ten minutes.

“Yeah. James Potter.” Regulus let out, with a petulant grumble as he slumped back in his seat with a sigh. 

“James Potter?” Len asked, and Regulus could see him making a face through the rearview mirror, the older man seemingly trying to recall something, “You know that name rings a bell. Don’t know where i know it from though,” He said, still looking a little perplexed, frustrated even, that he wasn’t able to recall properly.

Regulus only huffed in a childish display of his own dislike for the boy.
“Yeah, well for your sake I hope you’ve never met him. He’s a nuisance at best. A fucking waste of air at worst”

“You really don’t like him, huh?” Len huffed, sounding mildly amused.

Regulus only scowled further.

“No i really fucking don’t” He stared out the window for a moment more, focused on trying to manifest James falling on his way to the arena and cracking his skull open or something like it. Regulus would even do with a concussion. Anything to just make him not show up. He did however peel his eyes away from the window when Len had grown a little too quiet for a while. 

When Regulus turned his head to glance up at the rearview mirror he was extremely displeased to see Len grinning to himself, in pure amusement.

“Find that funny do you?” Regulus hissed. He didn’t think this was very funny. In fact he was wishing for a bolt of lightning to hit either him or James right now just so he wouldn’t have to do this.

“No,” Len said with a chuckle as he shook his head, though he was still smiling all the same. “It’s just, I've never seen you this worked up about anyone, kid. It’s a little amusing to be honest,”

“What?” Regulus said then, sharply snapping his gaze back up to stare right at Len through the rearview mirror. 

Len only chuckled again at Regulus’ confusion even if his tone had been harsh. 

“Well, you never really care enough about other people to let you get this riled up. It’s a little refreshing, almost. Even if it’s hatred,” Len said casually as if that was at all a casual statement. Regulus didn’t think it was casual at all cause suddenly the realisation that Len was right, that Regulus hadn’t cared about anyone enough to let them get to him like this in years , raked through the entirety of Regulus’ body making his breath catch uncomfortably in his throat. 

As soon as the realisation came, the horror came along with it. Regulus promised himself he wouldn’t do this. When Sirius left he promised himself he would never let anybody in again. Sure, he had been talking about loving someone again, but hate was so dangerously close to love in so many ways. The two feelings were opposites in many ways but damn near identical in other ways. They were both passionate, violent, needy and loud. They both forced you to feel something and Regulus had been running from his own feelings ever since he was 15. 

His numbness had been his only weapon, and he’d be damned if he’d lose that because of James Potter.

So that was it. He just needed to not care. He could do that. He had always done that. It didn’t matter how infuriatingly confusing James was, he was still just another stranger and Regulus could avoid strangers. He could avoid even people close to him, so why should James be different?

Right. He was just going to ignore James completely. That was the solution. If he didn’t care then James couldn’t get to him. Easy… right ?

Well, safe to say James was not a very easy person to ignore. 

“Oh, there he is! Hiya, Regulus, we were just starting to warm up!” Euphemia called out to Regulus as he entered the rink. He nodded at her only for a moment before glancing over at James, trying his very best to school his expression into pure boredom. It didn’t matter what James thought, Regulus reminded himself. James could fuck right off for all Regulus cared. He didn’t need to figure him out anyway.

Regulus couldn’t however completely ignore the way his brows knit together in slight confusion as his eyes met James’. 

James looked at him wide eyed, his lips parting slightly before abruptly looking away, as if he was… nervous? Confused? Conflicted? 

Regulus had expected many things after their last meeting but this was not one of them. What exactly was James trying to do here? Last time Regulus had seen the other boy he had seemed so confident, cocky even, and now… well now he just looked like a nervous little boy, ready to run and hide behind his parent’s leg to avoid saying hi to the guests at a dinner party. 

Regulus had already made up his mind, though. So after only a second more he tore his gaze from James with an annoyed huff and strode toward the benches where the two of them stood, just about to stretch out before getting ready to actually head onto the ice.

Regulus wasted no time in getting into position quickly going through his stretching routine. To him it was the same thing he’d done over and over during the past many years. 

He had only gotten through a few positions before he went to stretch his hamstrings, easily bending in half to reach his toes. He heard James let out a soft gasp somewhere beside him.

“Jesus christ,” James mumbled, making Regulus look up to see what had him so shocked.

When he looked up James was merely staring at him, his eyes raking up the length of Regulus’ body, taking in his position before Regulus finally straightened up and let out a sharp,

“What?”

It took a moment before James spoke, Regulus’ brows only knitting together further as if somehow that was going to help him figure out what James was thinking.

“You’re fucking flexible is all,” James finally said and for a moment Regulus just stared at him. Then he frowned. James was so stupid. 

“Of course i am. I have to be” Regulus said as if it was obvious. Because it was obvious. James had seen him practising his sequences. He had seen him perform the exact things that would require this level of flexibility so why on earth should this be shocking to him?

James frowned slightly at that. Regulus was confused again. He had no idea what about his statement would warrant that frown. He wanted to figure it out. He wanted to crack James' skull open if it meant he could just figure him out. 

Regulus shook his head slightly, looking away from James as he stubbornly reminded himself of the promise he’d made himself only moments prior in the car. 

Let it go. You don’t need to figure anything out. It doesn’t matter. James doesn’t matter. Stop caring. 

And so Regulus did exactly that. He turned away from James ignoring his still lingering gaze and continued stretching as if it didn’t bother him at all. It did bother him. A lot in fact. But he was too stubborn to admit that. Too stubborn to give into the feeling so he continued to try his best to not care at all. 

It was only a few minutes more before Euphemia was standing over them, smiling again. 

“Alright boys, let’s get on the ice then shall we? Today’s an exciting day, i have lots of things to try out,” 

I’m sure you do, Regulus thought bitterly, easily getting up, a bitter scowl still etched into his features. It took James a few more seconds to get up but eventually he did too and then they were on the benches tying their skates with practised ease. 

Regulus finished tying his skates first. He didn’t even think before glancing over at where James was tying his own skates. They were different from Regulus’, fit for skating in a whole other way. They were much bulkier and black, standing in contrast to Regulus’ white ones. Regulus noticed a little too late to stop it that he was suddenly watching James’ hands.

He could see how his palms were slightly calloused, probably from training. They were big too. Regulus thought if they brought them together, his would probably only reach halfway up James’. He could almost do it. He could reach out just to check, just to- 

Oh what the fuck was he thinking?

That was not not caring and Regulus knew it.

“Hurry up will you?” Regulus bit at James, taking out his own frustration on the boy easily.

James looked up only to send him a sly smile.

“Done staring at me are you?”

That admittedly made Regulus sputter.

“I- What? I wasn’t staring” Regulus said quickly, absolutely detesting the way James’ grin only seemed to seep further into every feature in his face. It made his eyes crinkle up slightly, and showed a set of dimples, one on each cheek. How pure disgusting arrogance could look so beautiful on someone was truly horrifying and Regulus quickly added it to the mental list of every single thing he hated about James Potter. 

In the end when he was done showing off his shit eating grin as he watched Regulus fumble, James just shrugged. 

“Well, I don't mind. I am quite the looker, i know” He teased, offering Regulus yet another grin.

Regulus chose to ignore that comment completely, not wanting to bother with James’ self indulgence especially seeing as he was still fuming at himself for actually having stared at James’ hands moments ago.

“If you’re done then let’s get on the ice. Having to train with you is already testing my patience enough. I’m not also letting you waste my time” Regulus said flatly, getting up from the benches not bothering to check if James was following as he moved toward the ice. 

James only scoffed behind him.

“You’re a real charmer aren’t you?” James mused sarcastically.

Regulus rolled his eyes. God, what on earth had he gotten himself into? No, actually, scratch that. Regulus hadn’t gotten himself into anything. He had actually tried every single thing to get out of this though admittedly nothing had worked. What on earth had Euphemia gotten him into?

As soon as the two boys got onto the ice they were met with a beaming Euphemia looking between the both of them for a moment before she clapped her hands excitedly.

“Now that we’re all here, I've prepared an easy exercise to start with,” She said. Regulus immediately raised a brow, admittedly a little intrigued but also entirely not in the mood for any of this. 

James only continued smiling right beside him. Euphemia continued on, seemingly completely unaware of Regulus’ clear reluctance. 

“For this exercise I'll only really need Regulus on the ice though. Hope you don’t mind James” She smiled kindly at James who only shook his head.

“Oh no, i’m just happy to be here,” James said as Euphemia came over to meet them by the board, skating right over to lean against it along with James. Regulus did not miss the way James was very clearly trying - and failing - to suppress a smile. Why, Regulus had no idea but he knew he didn’t like it one bit. If James was finding something amusing, it certainly couldn’t be very good. 

"I want you to skate to some music. But there’s a twist. you won’t know the song until it starts, and there’s no choreography. You just… go with it." Euphemia started explaining, looking right at Regulus who had turned around to look at them as they relaxed against the board. 

Regulus immediately glowered hearing the idea.

"No choreography?" He asked and Euphemia only nodded, her eyes twinkling with mischief. Oh Regulus really wasn’t liking this one bit at all. 

"Exactly. The goal is to get you to feel the music, to let loose a little. And, well, James here has kindly offered to help by picking the music." 

Regulus’s eyes immediately snapped to James sharply who was now grinning even wider, if that was even possible. This couldn’t be good.

“I thought i’d pick something to match your, uh… mood” James said though his barely contained smile still remained where he tried to catch it between his teeth after speaking. 

Regulus’ frown only deepened then. He didn’t trust James, not one bit, especially not with that stupid smile. Oh the things Regulus would do just to wipe it right off his face. Still, he reminded himself that he wasn’t supposed to care about James at all. Fuck his smile, and fuck his stupid song. Regulus just had to get this over with and then he could go home and not think about James ever again - or at least until he’d be forced to see him again.

“No time like the present!” Euphemia said with a cheerful tone though there was still a slight mischievous giddiness to her that told Regulus he wasn’t going to like this. “Ready Regulus?” She asked with a slight tilt of her head toward him. 

Regulus sighed, clearly not ready, though he figured he’d never really be. He didn’t even want to be in this situation in the first place, but he nodded regardless, just silently dreading whatever insipid piece James had in mind for him. Regulus took a deep breath and pushed off with his skates, moving toward the centre of the rink.

“Alright, James, go ahead” Euphemia said just as cheerfully as before and right on cue James smirked and reached into his pocket. With an exaggerated flourish he pressed play on his phone, no doubt connected to the sound system inside the arena. Regulus nearly winced as a cheery melody poured out of the overhead speakers. 

“Ooh, sugar pie, honey bunch,

You know that i love you!”

A voice sung accompanied by a choir as the song blared right through the speakers.

Regulus froze mid glide, just taking in what he was even listening to, his expression a mixture of shock and horror. The cheerful, syrupy tune was the exact polar opposite of anything Regulus would’ve ever chosen. This was a complete fucking nightmare.

“Oh you have to got to be fucking kidding me” Regulus mumbled through gritted teeth. He didn’t get much time to just stand there pausing however as James was quick to call out to him.

“Come on, Reggie! Feel the joy! Embrace the sugar!” He laughed behind Regulus and Regulus had no idea what annoyed him more; James’ insufferable hollering or the fact that he used a nickname while Regulus definitely did not think he’d given him any reason to think they were on nickname basis. 

Regulus turned around to glare at James but the other boy only looked away feigning innocence and instead Regulus caught the eyes of Euphemia who nodded at him, clearly telling him to get on with it. She was smiling too and for a moment they looked so alike, James and Euphemia, both smiling like complete idiots, clearly giddy with excitement at having him in this stupid situation. Regulus glared at the both of them but in the end he didn’t have much of a choice other than to start moving. Euphemia might annoy him, she might seem all sweet but somehow Regulus sensed that she was just as stubborn as himself. She wouldn’t let him get away with not doing this. 

And the music simply demanded movement, no matter how horrible it was. Tentatively, Regulus pushed off again, trying to maintain his usual poised grace but it was simply impossible to ignore the upbeat rhythm. He fought it with all his might, trying to stay rigid but the relentless cheeriness of the song seemed to grate at him. Slowly, it started seeping into his movements too. 

As the chorus hit, James started clapping along from the sidelines, only adding to Regulus’ mortification. Regulus caught sight of the other boy and his mocking grin, where he still stood just relaxing and right then he decided he wouldn’t give James the satisfaction of watching him fail. Regulus might not have been one for the cheery music but he was also one hell of a spiteful stubborn bastard and he’d die before he’d lose against James Potter.

With a sudden burst of determination - fueled further by irritation - Regulus began actually skating. He focused in, trying to drown out everything else other than the steady beat of the song and let it take control. He followed the music, letting it take the lead, but in his own way. He kept each movement as elegant as he normally would but with an underlying sarcasm as he exaggerated the cheerful steps. He swung his arms dramatically, threw in a slightly over the top spin and even attempted a jump so flamboyant it was slightly ridiculous. He landed it of course, his technique never failing him. Regulus was just glad he didn’t have to watch a recording of this routine, the only thing keeping him going being the need to prove James wrong. 

Regulus could hear James let out a muffled laugh from where he was still standing by the board along with Euphemia who was just watching him with observant eyes and a small smile.

“Now that’s the spirit!” James laughed.

Regulus shot him a deadly look as he passed by but even he couldn’t deny the odd sense of satisfaction in doing something as ridiculous as this even if it was all to mock the exercise itself and really only an effort to prove James wrong. Still, it didn’t go unnoticed to Regulus how he skated with more energy than he’d ever allowed himself, even if it was purely out of spite. 

As the song drew to a close, Regulus finished the routine, not bothering with an ending pose, deciding that it had been enough at that point. Instead he stopped abruptly as soon as the song ended, looking over at the pair still standing by the sidelines with both an odd sense of exhilaration and anger. He was breathless, but surprisingly, not entirely from exertion. There was something blooming in his chest, something he didn't recognize. It was small and he promptly ignored it but still it was there. It felt like an old friend. As if it had been there all along waiting to be let out. Regulus wasn’t planning on really doing that though so he pushed it down again to wherever it had belonged, letting irritation consume him once again.

As Regulus started to skate back to Euphemia and James, James moved too to meet him somewhere in the middle as he clapped slowly with a mockingly impressed expression.

“Wow… truly. Who knew you had it in you, Reggie?” James said, still grinning.

Regulus only shot him a cool look, though he wasn’t sure if it carried over as well now that his cheeks were flushed from the exercise and his hair no doubt tousled in a way that would have his mother screaming. He noticed James glancing at it too, right as Regulus stood for just two seconds more, catching his breath. Maybe James thought it was messy too. Regulus didn’t really think he had any right to feel that way when his own hair never seemed to be anything but messy, but then again James seemed arrogant enough that Regulus wouldn’t put it past him to be a hypocrite also. 

“It was merely a farce,” Regulus muttered, annoyed and then fixing James with a harsh narrow-eyed glare, “And don’t call me Reggie. I never said you could call me nicknames”

James mocked a pout.

“Oh you’re no fun, Regulus. I’d give you permission to call me nicknames, you know?” He said, in an annoyingly whiny tone that made Regulus question how this idiot ever got into university never mind ever got people to be friends with him. Then thinking about it twice it wasn’t like Regulus had many friends either so maybe he wasn’t the best judge of that but it wasn’t like he was going to admit that right then. 

“Oh yeah, and what do I even call someone like you?” Regulus mused, keeping his tone neutral and his face stoic. He needed to not care about James. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to get a few jabs in on him if he could though. You could dish out a few insults to a person you didn’t care about right? Regulus decided that yes. Yes, he could do that. Mostly because he was biassed and really really wanted to wipe that stupid smirk off James’ face.

“Oh there’s plenty!” James exclaimed, before looking up as he counted names off on his fingers, “Jamie, Jay, Potts, Prongs, J, awesome, sexy, muscleman, you know there’s a lot actually now that i think about it,”

“How about Arrogant Prat, hm? What do you think of that?” Regulus quipped flatly as he pushed right past James with a sarcastic smile.

“Oh you wound me, Regulus. So mean, you are” James exclaimed dramatically behind him with a strange accent that Regulus wasn’t sure if was supposed to be overly posh or something else entirely. No matter what it was, it wasn't very good.

“What? I thought that one fit you quite nicely,” Regulus mused, shooting James an exaggerated innocent look over his shoulder, even batting his eyelashes at him just to be a brat. 

James chuckled again. 

“Well, at least I know you’re thinking about me,” He called out, but there was a slight edge to his voice now, something Regulus couldn’t quite place. It annoyed him to no end. James was so weird. One moment he’d seem like a completely open book, almost too easy to figure out and then the next something fleeting and unidentifiable would flicker in his eyes. It came so fast and it’d be gone as soon as Regulus blinked but he knew what he was seeing. He might not know what it was but he was sure of one thing and one thing only. James was hiding something. He was keeping something down. Maybe from Regulus, maybe from himself but there was something there fighting to come to the surface. Something he desperately pushed down again and again. 

Regulus stopped short, turning to face James fully. His annoyance was back with full force now and he didn’t feel like listening to James’ self centred babbling much longer. 

“I’m thinking about how best to get through this exercise without strangling you,” He said, his voice flat. James, strangely enough, faltered slightly. He stopped only to blink at Regulus for half a second. Then his eyes dropped to Regulus’ neck and then he… flushed a little? He was turning around before Regulus really got to get a good look at him but he could have sworn James’ cheeks turned just the lightest shade of pink. But no. That didn’t make sense.  He hadn’t even done anything. Regulus had said something mean, not something embarrassing and James didn’t seem the type to get easily offended. 

Before Regulus could get to think about it for even a second more however Euphemia cleared her throat, reminding them both that they weren’t alone. She’d been watching them and now her expression was unreadable, though there was a hint of amusement in her eyes and the way her lips twitched upwards.

“Well, boys, that was… enlightening,” Euphemia said, her tone light despite it holding an undertone of seriousness. “But we’ve still got work to do. Regulus, you did well loosening up there. Let’s do this again. I’ll pick the song this time, meanwhile you just try working on the emotions we’ve discussed before”

Regulus sighed innerly, dreading the thought of having to go through any of that again, especially with James still lingering like an annoying shadow. But he nodded, forcing himself to push aside the lingering irritation.

“And James,” Euphemia continued turning to the other boy with a small smile and a raised eyebrow. “You’re here to help, not to antagonise. Try to keep that in mind,” 

James’ grin softened ever so slightly, as he gave a mock salute, that Regulus promptly rolled his eyes at. 

“Yes, ma'am,” James exclaimed dramatically.

 Luckily for him Euphemia decided to spare him too much embarrassment and chose a calmer song. It still wasn’t really Regulus' preferred type of music still, but he’d take it anyday over James’.

Regulus could still feel James’ eyes on him as he moved back into position. He didn’t like the way James looked at him, with that mixture of amusement and something else - something more complicated. But what bothered Regulus even more was that, despite everything he just couldn’t shake the feeling that James was hiding something. That there was something he needed to figure out. He just couldn’t ignore it no matter how many times he told himself he was supposed to not care about James at all. Not his stupid remarks and not his secrets. Nothing. 

Regulus was nothing if not stubborn though. He’d prove that he didn’t need James Potter’s help. That he could not care about him less. He’d prove that he didn’t care about him or his stupid nicknames or infuriating smirks. He’d show them that he could do just fine without any of this nonsense. 

As they resumed their practice, the tension only lingered between them, unspoken but still very much there, like the faintest crackle of electricity in the air right around you before a storm. And in the back of Regulus’ mind, Regulus couldn’t help but wonder when that storm would finally break loose. When it’d finally crash upon them. When the cloud above them would finally grow too dark and heavy for Regulus to ignore.

After several hours the rink was quieting down as the session drew to a close. Regulus skated over toward the edge again, the last remnants of their practice and the nonstop bickering with James that seemed entirely impossible to avoid, still echoing in his mind. 

Euphemia had surprisingly enough been more relentless than usual, pushing Regulus harder than he’d expected. She seemed adamant on making this work and even Regulus’ best attempts to sabotage the new arrangement with James had quickly been shut down by her. Perhaps she wasn’t quite as “kindergarten teacher” as Regulus had first pinned her as. Though throughout everything her carefree smile still remained, as if she simply didn’t notice the exhaustion of Regulus and even James at points. 

Regulus was exhausted to say the least and his body ached in places he didn’t even know could ache. But he kept his face composed, unwilling to show any sign of weakness, especially in front of James.

Euphemia was talking with James at the other end of the rink as Regulus approached, their voices low but animated as they talked about something excitedly. Regulus watched them for a moment, his annoyance simmering beneath the surface the more he saw. They were too familiar with each other, too comfortable. Throughout the entire practice it seemed that half the time they had been communicating with looks only, as if communicating some silent joke Regulus wasn’t in on. Regulus did not like it one bit.

How did they even know each other? Was Euphemia a hockey coach too? Was that why she seemed to hold the sport in such high regards while Regulus saw nothing good about it? 

Regulus didn’t really think she would be a hockey coach but then again you never knew. Maybe James was just the type to be friends with literally everyone. He seemed like it. Maybe they knew each other through some other context. Maybe they were just already close and Regulus was the one who was being strange reading too much into everything.

No matter the reason, their closeness grated on Regulus in a way he couldn’t quite explain. 

Finally, Euphemia waved goodbye to James with a smile before turning to leave, with a wave directed in Regulus’ direction as well. Her footsteps echoed softly as she made her way out of the rink until finally they faded away completely, the sound of the arena doors closing bouncing between the walls. 

Regulus skated over to James, who was still leaning against the boards, still just catching his breath from the newly finished practice. 

“You and Euphemia seem… close” Regulus remarked, trying to sound indifferent as he hopped over the boards toward the benches to begin unlacing his skates. But there was a sharpness to his tone that gave him away.

James looked up, his eyebrows going up in slight surprise as he considered Regulus’ stony expression. 

“What, you don’t know?” James asked, his brow furrowing slightly as if the answer was supposed to be the most obvious thing in the world.

Regulus felt himself pause at James sounding genuinely confused. His fingers froze for a moment down where they were in the middle of untying his laces. 

“Don’t know what?” Regulus asked, staring hard at James.

“That she’s my mum,” James said, blinking slightly, like it was nothing. Like it shouldn’t matter at all. “Thought you knew. We have the same last name and everything” James said, a small smile now slowly starting to work its way into his expression.

Regulus felt a flash of irritation surge through him. Of course. It made sense now - the way they interacted. The strange ease between them. It only annoyed Regulus however, like he was being left out of some joke. And worse, that James had assumed he should have known. 

Regulus figured he probably should’ve. Because as much as he hated to admit it, James did have a point. They had the same last name, they clearly knew each other, hell, they even looked like each other. Still, Regulus had been too caught up wallowing in his own misery and hating everything about James that he hadn’t really asked questions about any of it. Potter was a pretty common surname wasn’t it? They could know each other from somewhere else entirely and plenty of non-related people looked alike. But of course none of those explanations mattered then because as it turned out they were mother and son and Regulus had been an oblivious idiot. 

“Well, i didn’t know” Regulus replied curtly, turning his attention to his skates as he tugged at the laces a little too harshly in irritation. 

Regulus could make out James merely shrugging beside him, as if the revelation was no big deal to him at all. It probably wasn’t. 

“She’s pretty amazing. Even a miserable git such as yourself has to admit that,” James commented, making Regulus send him a sharp glare. James only laughed. “Sorry, sorry. Just trying to say i’ve got a pretty amazing mum” He added casually, pulling off his own skates.

Regulus felt his jaw tighten as jealousy twisted inside him. 

“Lucky you,” He muttered. He really did try his best this time around to hide the bitter edge but it was like a snake, slithering its way up through his throat striking out clear and angry as soon as he opened his mouth to speak. There was no hiding it. He was bitter, so bitter. It was so ridiculous too, but he couldn’t help it. He knew James had no idea. James had no idea why that hurt so much. Why the simple fact that he, a person who already seemed to have all the things Regulus never had; friends, a hobby he genuinely loved, a community, a bright personality, that he on top of all that had the one thing Regulus had wished for every night for years. The thing he’d quietly wished for every time he blew out birthday candles in the low light of his room when Sirius would bring him a little cupcake from the supermarket at midnight. A mother. A loving mother. A mother he could tell others was “awesome” without feeling a lump in his throat. Without even thinking twice about it.

It hurt. Of course it hurt. It only fueled his anger toward the other boy, because yes it was all partly from the fact that he was very much getting in the way but so much of it was also rooted in jealousy. So much jealousy, because James Potter seemed to have the entire world in his hands, an abundance of love and admiration at his feet and Regulus could only watch from the sidelines, with his own hands cold and empty. 

James shot him a funny glance. One that Regulus couldn’t decipher and he was too tired to try to. It was curious, sure, but also a little… sad in a way Regulus hadn’t really expected. James didn’t press it though. Instead, they sat in silence for a few more minutes carefully tugging off their skates and setting them aside with care. Regulus slipped his shoes back on, feeling the familiar cold numb seep into his bones now that the exertion of practice was wearing off and the familiar steady quiet hum of his misery came back into focus starting at the back of his head. 

They walked out of the rink together, still not saying anything. The air outside was crisp but still fairly warm, even if the cool evening breeze nipped a little at Regulus, seeping into through the thin material of his compression shirt. The sky was darkening above him, and Regulus wished he had the energy to appreciate the orange hues on the sky as the sun set slowly. 

Regulus immediately started towards the curb where Len was parked with the car still running, making a beeline for it, determined to escape this whole situation as quickly as possible. But of course, James wasn’t done talking. 

Was he ever done talking? Regulus thought annoyedly as the other boy chirped behind him.

“So, what’s your routine after practice?” James asked cheerfully, walking towards him calmly with his hands nonchalantly placed in his pockets as Regulus turned around with a small frown to face him. “You go home and do your little ice prince routine, or do you actually have fun once in a while?”

Regulus shot James a withering look. He was not in the mood for James’ insufferable cheer and certainly not in the mood for another exhilarating chat. 

“Why do you care? It’s none of your business, Potter,” Regulus snarked curtly, crossing his arms over his chest, his brow arching with annoyance.

James, undeterred, just laughed. 

“Let me guess. You go home, shower, then read some old, dusty book by candlelight, right? You seem like the brooding type.”

Regulus’ grip tightened around his bag strap, as his irritation bubbled over. He felt his hand ache slightly with the effort but paid it no mind. 

“And what do you do, Potter? Go to a pub, drink with all your little hockey buds, and pretend you’re the king of the world?” Regulus snarled, ending his statement with a dignified huff. 

James only let out a loud laugh, clearly amused by Regulus’s barbed response. 

“Well, I do like a good night out at the pub, I’ll give you that,” he agreed, his grin widening. “You should join sometime. Might do you some good to drop the cold and mysterious act for a moment, you know?”

“Not interested,” Regulus snapped, already regretting having engaged in this conversation at all. He didn’t bother hearing James out as he turned around and started steadily heading for the car waiting for him again. He was about halfway there when James caught up, falling into step beside him, still grinning like he was having the time of his life.

“You really are something, Black. But one day, that cold indifferent facade of yours is going to crack and I'll be there to see it.”

Regulus finally reached the car and wasted no time in yanking the door open, fixing James with one last glare.

“Don’t hold your breath,” He muttered before sliding into the leather seats of the car.

James straightened up outside the car and Regulus watched him with barely contained fury through the tinted window. James gave a mock salute and then held up his hand to his mouth, yelling out, 

“Suit yourself, Reggie” loud enough for Regulus to hear on the other side of the closed car door. James winked, maybe to emphasise his point, or maybe just to be as much of an insufferable idiot as he possibly could be. 

“See you next practice, yeah?” He called out. Regulus averted his gaze then, not bothering to watch James waving goodbye to him with a shit eating grin as Len pulled the car off the curb. 

Regulus clenched and unclenched his fists a few times, his irritation still spiking at the nickname that he knew James knew bothered him. He watched streets pass by outside, the sound of James’ loud obnoxious laughter echoing in his ears. The fucking nerve of that idiot - the arrogance, the audacity . It was absolutely infuriating how James seemed to find everything so amusing, as if nothing ever bothered him. None of Regulus’ comments seemed to ever get to him. No amount of pushing away could get him to back off and Regulus was so exhausted of trying to not care because he did fucking care. He did fucking care that James was being a complete fucking dick and it did make his blood boil.

“So…” Len started, clearing his throat, after a few moments of silence. “I’m guessing that’s James Potter” 

Regulus only brought up a hand to his forehead, already feeling a nasty headache coming in.

“Don’t even. I am going to pretend that didn’t happen” Regulus bit and watched out of the corner of his eye as Len just nodded his head. If he wasn’t so tired then maybe he would’ve commented on the way Len was trying and failing to hide an amused smile. Regulus did not have the energy though, so instead he leaned his head on the window, feeling the cold surface against his skin as city lights flashed by him. 

He clamped his eyes shut trying to push James’ infuriating presence out of his mind. But no matter how hard he tried, the image of that stupid fucking grin lingered, gnawing at him in a way that made him want to smash things. 

He had no idea how he was going to survive this arrangement without completely losing his mind.

When Regulus made it home he was exhausted and ready to head right up into bed. He did however pause when he passed the entryway to the dining room, the door being only slightly ajar. Through the crack he just barely managed to make out the two figures of his parents both sitting at the table. Regulus froze immediately, before moving to peer through the crack. His parents didn’t really spend time together, not that he knew of. Not unless something was up. And so Regulus did something he hadn’t done in years. He moved to stand right behind the door, carefully so as to not make any sound as he eavesdropped. 

“And how did we miss this?”

Regulus heard his mother say coldly, her tone completely icy. His father only sighed.

“He hasn’t exactly been a concern of mine for some time,” Regulus heard his dad saying quietly. He sounded tired, as if he’d spent the entire day frustrated over the same thing. He was speaking English too, Regulus noted. His father only did that when he was trying to actively avoid getting into a fight with Walburga. Usually he wouldn’t bother. They fought all the time anyway no matter if he tried or not. Still, sometimes if he deemed it important enough to actually talk about something he’d give in and speak English instead.

“Still, this is… it’s disastrous, Orion. We have to move Regulus away from that rink, get him a new coach, I don't care. I do not, under any circumstances, want them to meet. He’s already been through enough after last year, i don’t need any more bad influences”

Regulus frowned. What were they talking about? Moving him away? Bad influences? 

He wondered for a split second if maybe they were talking about Pandora. They probably wouldn’t like her. But this also seemed a little too excessive over something like that and they had mentioned “him”. Regulus had no idea who it could be. He hadn’t met anyone noteworthy. At least no one his parents would care much about. 

But Regulus wanted to know. If it had anything to do with him then surely he deserved to. Sometimes Regulus felt like he was still just a child to them. It was ridiculous how he at 19 still had to eavesdrop around corners just to get insight on the decisions about his own life. 

“They won’t meet,” Orion sighed, sounding resolute.

“And how do we know that?” Walburga countered, and Regulus could just imagine the face she was making. The sharp eyes she had turned on his father right at that moment. 

“Think about it, Walburga. Why on earth would they meet now? At this point they’ve probably forgotten about each other” Orion explained, his accent really kicking in, telling Regulus that he was frustrated.

“But what if they haven’t ?” Regulus heard his mother press.

“Call him then, if you’re so concerned. Tell him not to go looking. I know you still have his number,” 

It went oddly silent in there then, and when Regulus heard the scraping of a chair against the floor he immediately moved, and started for the stairs. He had nearly reached the top when his mother stepped out from the dining room, calling out to him.

“Oh, Regulus. You’re home,” 

Regulus turned around. Trying to school his expression into something more casual, trying to manage a pleasant smile.

“I am,” He agreed and nodded. She studied him for just a moment, her eyes disinterested but even then Regulus knew better than to mistake that for safety. She could still very much be trying to catch a lie. Her eyes drifted lazily over his features a second more before she sighed and brought a hand up to her head. She waved a dismissive hand at him.

“Good, good. Just… be quiet in your room will you? I have a horrible headache and your father is tired after working all day.” She sighed and Regulus nodded, trying to look as sweet as possible.

“Of course, Maman. I hope your head gets better” 

“Yes, thank you, Regulus” She muttered before moving away, toward the kitchen probably to fish out her own painkillers in the little cabinet in there. She had started keeping all of them there after last year. It had a lock on it, that she kept a key to at all times.

She probably didn’t know that Regulus had kept an entire bottle to himself, from last year, before the incident. He’d been lucky really. It had fallen underneath his bed somehow. He’d only found it because he dropped his phone. 

Regulus knew his mother was only trying to make sure he didn’t pull anything like last year. She didn’t have to be afraid though. Regulus had already failed once and it’d just be embarrassing to fail twice. 

With a quiet sigh of relief he moved up to his room, shedding himself of his training clothes before he was standing bare in his boxer shorts. The sun was still setting, Regulus noted as he moved toward the balcony door in his room. When he opened it he was left shivering slightly from the cold evening breeze filtering in. 

Absent-mindedly he grabbed for the closest zip up hoodie, throwing it on before moving outside on the balcony. His feet hit the cold stone out there and it pricked slightly but Regulus paid it no mind, only moving further out until he could lean up against the railing and feel the way the wind curled around him, tussling his hair ever so slightly, letting it slip from where he had tucked it behind his ears.

It was getting a little long now. He knew his mother would probably be demanding him to get it cut soon but still he let himself enjoy the length of it until she did. He liked his hair longer. Maybe because he thought it just looked good, cause it did, or maybe because it reminded him of Sirius’ hair. Long and unruly but in the most beautiful way. Sirius had always been beautiful, in a strange effortless kind of way. Regulus himself had to tend to his hair carefully if he didn’t want it to be a frizzled, knotty mess but Sirius just woke up and shook his head a few times before calling it a day. And he didn’t need more than that. 

To be fair Regulus hadn’t seen Sirius since he was 16 and Regulus himself was 15 and back then he adored just about anything Sirius did. He practically worshipped the ground he walked on. 

Slowly Regulus turned to look at the balcony just a mere metre away from his own, separated by the railings and a short distance. Sirius’ balcony. It was empty, of course. Looking so sad without anyone occupying it. Sirius had always liked watching the sunset. He’d never admitted it but secretly he was such a romantic. He liked the little things, the pretty things. He knew how to appreciate the beauty in something small, knew how to be gentle just as much as he knew how to hate seemingly the entire world around him at times, wanting to burn it all down to the ground. 

“Do you remember what I told you I wanted to be when I grew up?” Regulus let out in a hoarse whisper, the words even surprising himself because oh he had never done this. But suddenly the words were just there on his tongue and he couldn’t help but let them out. His voice was quiet, strained, and his throat dry with the bitter taste of tears. 

“I told you…”

Regulus hesitated, and god he nearly laughed at himself because how in the world were the words so hard to get out even now when he knew no one was listening at all. Maybe that was what made it so hard. That he couldn’t actually say them to Sirius. He couldn’t watch the soft flicker of remembrance on his face because somehow Regulus knew Sirius did remember. He would’ve remembered if he was right there right then to hear Regulus speaking to him.

“I told you that I just wanted to be you. Everything you were. Sirius…” The name felt like it physically hurt, punching a hole in his stomach, prickling like needles on his tongue. But at the same time Regulus felt such an immense relief flooding through him. Some of the weight on his shoulders lifted off for a moment as he let the name be carried away with the breeze, like a quiet whisper saying 

Hear me. Hear me. Hear me wherever you are in the world. 

“You were everything to me. Everything I ever wanted to be. Everything I ever…” Regulus stopped then, that forsaken word catching in his throat. Everything I ever loved. It sounded out throughout the folds in his brain, echoed in the empty holes in his heart. 

Regulus felt hot tears slipping down the lengths of his cheeks. He shuddered slightly and told himself it was only the wind and not the flurry of conflicting emotions raking through his body, begging to be let out.

“Fuck you” He breathed. 

“Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. ” he muttered, pained because love and hate were always so closely intertwined within Regulus and he really did resent Sirius for leaving him. He did hate him, hate him so much it hurt and ached in his body more than anything ever had. He loved him so much that he had no choice but to hate him. And oh if that wasn’t the tragic fate of Regulus Black.

Always filled with so much love for things he could never have. Things he lost. So much love that had nowhere to go and so it stayed inside his body, festered in his heart and rotted him from the inside out as it morphed and twisted into painful bitter hurt and hatred. 

Hatred at Sirius and the world for letting him get that little taste of everything he ever could’ve wanted only to rip it right out of his arms.

Chapter Text

James watched the big car pull off the curb with a wide grin, a trace of amusement lingering in his chest. He inwardly cursed the tinted window for not letting him at least enjoy watching Regulus’ annoyed scowl - that he noted Regulus managed to make look impressively good - for just a few seconds more but oh well he’d take what he could get. There was something oddly satisfying about getting under Regulus’ skin, even if it meant being on the receiving end of his icy glares. He was just caught in a slight daze, staring at the car steadily leaving when a loud, melodic whistle pierced the air, snapping James right of his thoughts.

Startled, James turned around to find none other than Barty Crouch leaning casually against the wall near the arena doors, a cigarette between his fingers and his expression a mix of amusement and mischievous delight. James blinked, confused. He hadn’t even noticed him at all when he and Regulus went outside. How long had he been there? 

“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” Barty drawled, a grin spreading across his face as he pushed off the wall easily and sauntered over toward James. “Didn’t know you had a thing for pretty figure skaters,” Barty tilted his head a little before taking a slow drag of his cigarette, his eyes twinkling with amusement, clearly having caught more than James would have liked.

James rolled his eyes, though he barely managed to hold back on the small smirk tugging at his lips.

“What are you talking about, Barty?”

Barty arched an eyebrow, his eyes sharp and observant as his grin widened and he glanced down the street where Regulus’ car had just vanished. 

“Oh don’t play dumb with me, Jamie. You were practically drooling over him.

James scoffed, but felt his heart skip a beat nonetheless. He hadn’t been doing anything like that had he? He was so sure he had managed to keep his confused stupid feelings at bay. He didn’t like Regulus. He had come to terms with that. He couldn’t like Regulus. That was just a fact. So Barty was surely just bluffing to tease him… right?

“Drooling? Come on, Barty. You’ve got it all wrong. I was just… seeing him off. That’s the nice thing to do you know”

Barty let out a low laugh, then, clearly unconvinced. 

“Sure.” He said sarcastically, giving James an unconvinced stare, still grinning like a maniac. “And i’m just here to admire the architecture of this lovely building”

James crossed his arms, trying to maintain his composure.

“What are you doing here anyway? Thought you’d have better things to do than hang around the rink all evening,”

Barty only waved a hand at him in dismissal.

“Forgot my gloves inside, if you must know. But I'd say this little show was worth the trip back,” He gave James a slow considering once-over very clearly enjoying this situation a little too much. “My question, though, is why I'm finding you here hanging around with the pretty little figure skater who looks straight out of a Tim Burton movie. Not that i’m judging, he is definitely nice to look at,”

James hesitated, trying to unpack that entire statement. First off he wasn’t sure how much he should divulge in his explanation of the situation. He knew Barty wasn’t letting this go any time soon, but at the same time he didn’t want to drag Regulus into any unnecessary gossip. Regulus would likely never forgive him if he ever found out. 

Secondly, Barty had called Regulus pretty, and James agreed, he was very pretty. At the same time though something strange inside of him didn’t like Barty calling him that, though he wasn’t really sure what that was about. 

Barty was also clearly still assuming there was something more going on. But there really wasn’t. James didn’t like Regulus like that. Sure he had caught himself staring at Regulus’ hair earlier thinking about how beautiful he looked and Regulus’ comment about strangling James had sparked images in his mind that he had maybe liked a bit too much but no, no absolutely not, James did not like Regulus like that. Not at all.

So James settled for an easy answer as he shrugged, hoping it came off just as nonchalant as he was going for. 

“My mum’s coaching him and needed a helping hand.” He explained vaguely hoping that it would be enough to satisfy Barty’s curiosity. 

Barty hummed thoughtfully, his eyes narrowing at James.

“So, you’re just doing your mum a favour, huh? Because from where I’m standing, it looked like there was a bit more going on.”

“There’s nothing going on. I’m just helping, is all” James retorted, though it was getting increasingly hard keeping the slight edge out of his voice as he felt a slight flush creeping up his neck. He knew Barty well enough to recognize when he was being baited, but it didn’t stop the irritation from creeping in. 

“It’s not like that.” James muttered, looking away.

Barty was not buying it. He stepped closer, his grin turning sly. 

“You know for someone who’s usually so upfront about everything, you’re awfully cagey about this guy. Almost like you’re trying to hide something”

“I’m not hiding anything” James said, trying to mask his growing unease with Barty’s scrutiny with a small chuckle.

“Trying to keep me from stealing away your pretty boy, is that it, Potter?” Barty only continued, his sly grin unrelenting. “Cause really all you have to do is ask. Tell me you like him and he’s hands off. Promise,” Barty, teased, throwing up his hands, dragging a line of smoke through the air with his cigarette.

Barty was good. He was really good at this and normally James would’ve probably broken under the pressure cause Barty sure knew how to bait someone into giving him the answer he wanted but James wasn’t giving in this time. There was nothing between him and Regulus. No romance, and no feelings… well, okay maybe a little bit of feelings but James was sorting them out at the moment and they’d be gone soon enough. 

“There really is nothing going on,” James chuckled again, hoping it sounded a little less forced than it felt. “I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree here, Barty” James shrugged, before running a hand through his messy hair. 

“And yet, here you are, staring after his car like a lovesick puppy,” Barty teased, folding his arms as he leaned in closer. “Come on, James. You can’t fool me. There’s something about him, whether you want to admit it or not.”

James opened his mouth to protest again, but the words died on his lips. Barty wasn’t entirely wrong - there was something about Regulus that drew him in, something that felt impossible to ignore. The truth was, he didn’t really know what to make of his feelings toward Regulus. It was a mix of frustration, curiosity and something else he wasn’t ready to admit to, even to himself. But James wasn’t going to acknowledge that. Because if he did then it made it real. And he needed whatever the fuck his stupid feelings about Regulus Black was, out of the way as fast as possible. So he sure as hell wasn’t about to admit the fact that Barty was partially right, out loud and especially not to Barty himself.

“It’s complicated,” James finally muttered, hoping that would be enough to get Barty to back off. 

Of course he wasn’t so lucky though. 

Barty’s eyes immediately lit up with newfound interest and mischief. 

“Complicated huh? That just sounds like code for ‘I'm totally into him, but I'm too much of a pussy to admit it’, doesn’t it, Potter?”

James’ flush deepened and he shot Barty a look that was half glare, half plea for mercy. 

“Can you not?”

Barty chuckled, clearly finding more joy in the situation than James did.

“Alright, alright. I’ll drop it… for now. But don’t think I'm not going to keep an eye on you, loverboy. This is way too entertaining to ignore,”

James groaned inwardly, knowing Barty wasn’t actually letting this go anytime soon. 

“You’re insufferable, you know that?”

“And you’re a terrible liar. All your blushing gives you away,” Barty shot back at him with a wink. “But don’t worry your pretty little head, your secret’s safe with me… for now.”

James sighed, knowing this wasn’t the last he’d hear of this by a long shot. He shook his head, exasperated but unable to suppress a smile. 

“You’re a menace.”

“Only when it’s this much fun,” Barty replied with a boyish laugh, clapping James on the shoulder. “Anyway, I should grab my gloves before the rink closes. Try not to pine too hard over the pretty boy, yeah?”

“Just go get your bloody gloves and leave me the fuck alone,” James chuckled, pushing Barty lightly in the direction of the rink.

Barty laughed cheekily.

“Don’t worry mate. I’ve got your back. And maybe one day, you’ll actually admit to having a thing for pretty figure skaters.”

“Get out of here, Barty,”  James said with a mock glare, shoving him lightly and watching him saunter off toward the arena doors, before adding with a yell, “And quit the fags, tosser! You’re an athlete for fuck’s sake!” 

Barty laughed loudly, tossing the cigarette aside and turning back to James with a wide grin. 

“Oh let a man live a little, James!” He called out with a shiteating grin and an animated gesture of his arms, before he disappeared into the building. 

When the doors finally shut behind him, James leaned against a nearby pillar and sighed heavily, his thoughts drifting right back to Regulus. He couldn’t deny that there was something about the younger Black that managed to get under his skin - both in the worst and best ways. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. But as he pushed off the pillar and turned to head home, he found it impossible to shake the image of Regulus’ frowning face from his mind - or the way it made his heart go all weirdly fuzzy.

This whole situation was going to drive him mad.

James found Sirius sitting by the dining table when he arrived back at the flat, his laptop open in front of him and a bag of chips beside it. Sirius looked focused, only glancing up at James momentarily as he entered the room. 

“Oh, hi James,” Sirius said, before going right back to typing on his keyboard.

“Hi.” James replied, walking over to the fridge, his stomach growling after the tiring practice.

“Schoolwork?” James asked over his shoulder as he peered into the fridge for something to eat.

“Yeah,” Sirius mumbled, still typing away. He seemed to be completely absorbed in whatever he was doing, not even bothering to look up. When James finally located and fished out some leftovers, he threw them in the microwave before heading over to the table. 

“How’d the practice go? Is the team doing well?” Sirius asked, sounding slightly absentminded. Normally James would’ve found it incredibly endearing how even in his moments of complete focus with something else entirely Sirius still found the time to ask James about his day, about his life. Normally it would’ve warmed his heart.

This time however James felt a pang of guilt, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. He had only told Sirius he was going to practise earlier that evening, which hadn’t been a lie. It just hadn’t been the entirety of the truth. Not lying had made James feel just a bit better with himself, but now, sitting across from his best friend, James couldn’t help but feel the weight of his deception settling heavily on his shoulders.

“Yeah, it was good,” James muttered in reply, trying his best to sound completely casual. “The team’s coming together. We’ve got a good shot this season.” Again, not a lie. That is what James had observed at their last practice together as a team. It wasn’t, however, what he had spent his time on the last couple of hours.

“Good to hear,” Sirius said, nodding slightly, still focused on his laptop. James could tell he wasn’t paying full attention, and part of him was relieved. Lying to Sirius wasn’t something he did easily, and not having to keep eye contact with Sirius, seeing him smiling at him as he genuinely listened, definitely helped take off some of the burden. It still felt horrible of course. It felt to James, like he was actively denying some natural part of him, going against all of his morals but how could he explain that he’d been helping Regulus - Sirius’ estranged brother? The one Sirius couldn’t even bear to talk about. The brother he pretended he’d never had. There was no explaining it, and even despite how much James knew Sirius loved him he was pretty sure that a conversation like that would end with him having his head ripped right off his body.

The microwave beeped then, snapping James out of his thoughts. He retrieved his food and sat back down, his stomach still a little wobbly with guilt though that could also just be the hunger, James wasn’t entirely sure actually. Maybe a mix of both. 

Just as James was about to dig into his food, Sirius’ phone buzzed where it laid on the table beside him. They both glanced at the screen, and James noticed immediately how Sirius’ expression shifted from mild irritation at being disturbed to confusion. The number was unknown, and Sirius hesitated for a moment before picking it up and bringing it to his ear.

“Hello?” Sirius said, his brows furrowed and his voice wary.

James watched as Sirius’ face drained of all colour, going impossibly pale. He watched his usually sharp eyes widening in shock. There was a long, tense silence, and James could only guess at what was being said on the other end of the line. He saw Sirius’ hand tighten around the phone, knuckles turning white. James just sat and stared, completely frozen in his spot, because he had never seen Sirius react this way to a phone call. 

“What do you want?” Sirius’ voice had turned completely cold but there was clear tremor in it - something James had only heard a few times before. It terrified him, because Sirius didn’t waver. He didn’t wobble and he didn’t tremor and when he did it was never ever without a reason. James couldn’t imagine it being a very good reason. 

Another pause. Sirius’ expression twisted, a wild mixture of panic and anger surfacing in his eyes. With his free hand Sirius gripped the edge of the table as if to steady himself though it didn’t seem to do much at all.

“You have no right to be calling me. Don’t try to interfere now,” Sirius spat, his voice cracking with pure pain and James winced at just the sound of it. “You don’t get to say anything about him or me. Not after- after everything.” 

There was another agonising pause and James could do nothing but watch on helplessly, his chest tightening horribly. He did not have to guess to know who was on the other end of the line. There was only one person who had ever made Sirius look so scared, so helpless, like he was sixteen years old all over again. 

James had heard enough stories of Walburga Black to know how horrible the woman was. Master at manipulation and cruel guilt tripping. James had the urge to go and rip the phone out of Sirius’ hands just to make sure he never had to talk to that woman ever again but he knew he couldn’t. He had to be a bystander even if it physically pained him.

And it pained James even more to know that she was reaching out about Regulus. He knew Regulus was still under Walburga’s control. Still trapped in that house just like Sirius was once and now she was trying to twist the knife even deeper. The thought made James’ blood boil with anger, but he could only imagine what Sirius must be feeling. 

“No- No , because you don’t get to pretend you care now,” Sirius’ voice rose, his words barely controlled, as he gritted his teeth, and shook his head uncontrollably. He pointed his finger at nothing as if she was right there in front of him. 

“You-” Sirius’ breath hitched, and for a moment, it seemed like he might not be able to continue. “You destroyed everything, and you don’t get to come back and try to tear it all apart again.”

James watched as Sirius’ face contorted in a horrible wild mixture of emotions - fear, rage and a deep, gut wrenching hurt that James had never seen so openly before. Sirius was crumbling right in front of him, the carefully constructed facade he’d built over the years falling apart at his feet with each word spoken. 

“Stay out of our lives!” Sirius suddenly shouted into the phone, his voice hoarse and drenched in desperation. He didn’t wait for a response before promptly ending the call, slamming the phone down on the table with a force that made James’ plate rattle. 

The silence that followed was deafening and all consuming. Sirius just sat there, his breathing ragged as he heaved in an attempt to catch his breath, his eyes wild with an emotion James could only describe as panic. His chest was rising and falling heavily, and for a moment, it looked like he might just throw the phone across the room in pure rage, or break down completely.

“Sirius..” James began, reaching out to try and help his best friend as best he could, his voice barely above a quiet whisper. 

But Sirius didn’t seem to hear him at all. He shoved the laptop away harshly, nearly knocking the bag of chips right off the table as he pushed back from it. His movements were frantic, like he was trying to escape something that wasn’t there. Maybe the phantom clutches of his mother’s hands. 

James remembered Sirius telling him about that. About how sometimes he still felt her hands on him, and sometimes he woke in the middle of the night from nightmares still feeling them clenched around his throat. James’ heart had nearly broken into a thousand pieces then.

“I can’t-” Sirius muttered, his voice trembling as he began to pace in a way James had seen so many times before. Sirius had never been good at just sitting with his feelings. He needed them out. Out of his body. He’d shout, and punch and scream and pace just to have them out. 

“She can’t just- After all this time- She can’t just call and say-” Sirius choked on the words, as if they made him physically sick. They probably did. His hands shook as he ran them through his hair, tugging at it like he was trying to pull himself back together. “She doesn’t get to do this. She doesn’t get to do this!” 

James stood up then a little tentative, unsure of what to do, but desperate to help. Slowly he approached Sirius with his hands up as if he was approaching a scared animal and immediately he cringed because he knew that wasn’t the right move. So he dropped his hands almost as soon as they had gone up.

“Sirius, breathe.” He said softly, trying to be a voice of reason. Trying to be as calming as possible, as he stepped closer. “Just take a moment-”

But Sirius wasn’t listening, and James couldn’t even blame him. He couldn’t put himself in Sirius’ shoes to imagine for even a moment what this must feel like. Because James simply could not imagine a world where his own mother could ever be so cruel to him. He couldn’t accept a world where that would ever happen. 

Sirius’ eyes were unfocused, glazed over with a thin sheen of tears, his mind somewhere else entirely.

“It’s not fair,” He muttered, his voice cracking and breaking in a way that made James want to weep for him. “It’s not fair that she still has him, that she still- she doesn’t get to-” He cut off, his chest heaving as he tried to hold back tears that were threatening to spill right over. “She can’t control me anymore, but she’s still got him.” 

Sirius didn’t need to explain. James understood. He understood exactly what Sirius was talking about. Because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that she had gotten away so easily with ruining Sirius’ entire childhood, with letting him go that easily. That she had also gotten to keep the one thing Sirius ever truly loved back then. It wasn’t fair at all. 

The raw pain in Sirius’ voice was almost too much to bear. James reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder, feeling him shake beneath his palm, unable to keep from just letting him know that he was there. He would always be there. He’d always be right beside him to try and ground him, to offer some kind of support. Sirius flinched at the contact but didn’t pull away, his breaths coming in short, uneven gasps.

“She’s never going to let him go,” Sirius whispered, pained, more to himself than to James. “She’ll drag him down with her, and I can't- I can't stop her.” 

And it hurt. It hurt so fucking much cause immediately James remembered the articles he’d read. He remembered the horror he’d felt and he didn’t even have the heart to tell Sirius about it. Because Walburga had already dragged Regulus down. Down to a point where he felt living was no longer worth it and Sirius hadn’t been there to stop it. He hadn’t even known. James knew Sirius would never forgive himself. He didn’t even know what Sirius would do if he found out. He wasn’t sure if Sirius could ever take that.

James’ heart ached for his friend, feeling the full weight of Sirius’ helplessness. He knew there were no words that could make this better, no way to take the pain away. All he could do was stand by Sirius’ side, offering silent support as Sirius wrestled with the storm raging inside him.

Finally Sirius seemed to run out of energy, deflating like a popped balloon. He slumped down into a chair, bringing his knees up to his chest like a kid and burying his face in his hands.

“She’s going to destroy him, James,” He said, his voice muffled by his palms. “ and there’s nothing i can do,” 

And right then James felt himself shatter completely. 

James crouched down beside him, his voice gentle but firm. 

“We’ll figure this out, Sirius. You’re not alone.” He said. And he wasn’t lying. He believed himself. They were going to figure it out. He had no idea how but there was no question about it, they just had to. James was going to do everything in his power to make sure they didn’t fail this time. They couldn’t fail. This had gone on long enough and now it was reaching a breaking point and James would do absolutely fucking everything in his power to fix it before it broke so much it’d be beyond repair. 

Sirius didn’t respond, but he didn’t push James away either. The room was thick with fear and unresolved pain, but James stayed right where he was, his hand still resting on Sirius’ shoulder, rubbing calming circles into his shirt, offering the little comfort he could.

After a long, tense silence, Sirius finally lifted his head a little, his eyes red and hollow.

“I need to be alone for a bit,” He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

James swallowed. He didn’t want to leave Sirius alone. It was so hard having to look into Sirius’ eyes and see that wall coming up, shutting the entire world out and his pain inside again because that was the only way Sirius knew how to deal with it. He wanted to hold Sirius, while he sobbed. He wanted him to just get everything out. He wanted Sirius to just tell him everything he felt, so James for once could know what to do. So they could finally figure out what to do.

But James also knew that none of that was going to happen. Not now. Not when Sirius had already put that wall up again. 

James nodded, biting back the urge to hold onto Sirius, just to keep him there.

“I’ll be right here if you need me.” James said, looking into Sirius’ eyes and hoping that Sirius understood. That he saw the genuine nature of that statement.

Sirius stood slowly, his movements exhausted, as if all energy and joy and spark had been sucked right out of him, and walked out of the room without another word. James watched him go, guilt and worry gnawing at him more fiercely than ever. He knew things had just gotten even more complicated. He knew there was no going back now. Sirius wouldn’t be able to no matter how hard he tried. This was the final blow. But James had no idea how they were going to navigate the storm that was steadily brewing faster than James could keep up, threatening to boil over any minute now. 

As he sat alone in the dimly lit kitchen, the echoes of Sirius’ breakdown lingered in his mind. James couldn’t shake the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach that they were all heading into something far darker and difficult than any of them were prepared for. But if they were going down, he wasn’t going down without a fight. He wasn’t letting go now. Not ever. He’d see this through till the end, even if it’d be his downfall.

Just then, the front door opened with a creak, the soft thud of it closing behind someone pulling James right back to reality. He was still slumped over the kitchen table, but now he listened to the sound of footsteps moving in the entryway and then around the corner. He didn’t need to look up to know it was Remus - his slow steps and the clicks of his cane were unmistakable. 

Remus entered the kitchen, his hair wet and his coat dripping. It must have started raining outside. He hauled a bag of groceries inside, setting it on the counter with a sigh before smiling casually.

“Hey, James,” He greeted, starting to say something about the rain and how it had caught him off guard before his words trailed off as soon as he noticed James’ posture, his pale face and the way his eyes seemed dark with something horrible brewing beneath them.

James could see how immediate the concern was, seemingly washing over Remus like a cold wave. His brow furrowed, and he moved a little loser, his good mood dissipating in an instant.

“James,” He said softly, his voice low and full of that quiet, calming authority that Remus always seemed to carry. “What’s wrong?”

James blinked, trying hard to gather his rampant thoughts. It was like his brain was moving too fast and then at the same time it was like it was trudging through mud, slow and sluggish, weighed down by the gravity of everything that had happened just moments ago.

Remus stood with concern etched clear into his features. His usually relaxed shoulders tense with worry.

“It’s Sirius,” James said, and his voice sounded so rough as he struggled trying to collect his thoughts enough to explain the situation to Remus. “He… he got a call from his mum. I don’t know what she said but it… it didn’t go over well. He broke and then he just… shut down again. Then he walked out. Just left. Told me he needed to be alone,”

Remus’ expression hardened a little, his eyes clouding over with concern. He pulled out a chair to sit down across from James, leaning forward slightly to direct all his attention to him. 

“What happened? Do you know what the call was about?”

James only shook his head, frustration bubbling up inside him again. 

“I don’t know exactly. Something about Regulus I think. But whatever it was, it hit him hard. You know how he is with things like this. He always tries to act like it doesn’t matter, like he’s above it all. But this time it was just… he looked completely torn apart.” 

Remus took in a deep breath and then sighed as he took in the weight of everything James said. His eyes flickered over James’ features, maybe trying to decide if he was okay. He was quiet for a long moment, processing everything, and James could practically see the nobs turning inside his head as he worked through the details, the implications. 

“Where is he now?” He asked, his voice still as calm as ever though there was a clear undercurrent of urgency to it.

“Upstairs,” James answered. “In your room.” 

Remus nodded but hesitated still. Maybe he was trying to see if James himself was okay enough with being left alone. James took it as his sign to go on, voicing some of those thoughts running wild in his head.

“I’ve never seen him like that, Remus. He was… he wasn’t even pretending he just seemed… empty. Like all the light had been drained from him. I’m scared that he might be-”

A loud crash from upstairs interrupted him. Instinctively both of them went still as the unmistakable sound of something shattering sounded throughout the silent flat. The sound echoed throughout the room, sharp and jarring. James flinched but didn’t panic. Instead he just sighed, bringing a hand up to his head, to rub at his temples. 

He’d heard sounds like this before - too many times really. This was not the first time Sirius was taking his frustration out on inanimate objects. It seemed he had not completely abandoned his usually loud explosive anger for the more eerie quiet one after all. Although it did not make it any less concerning this time around.

Remus’ eyes immediately flickered toward the ceiling and James watched his jaw tightening slightly. James could see how tense he was, his hands curling into fists for a moment before he forced himself to relax again. 

“I’ll go up there,” Remus said calmly, his voice steady though it still held that same quiet urgency. “To make sure he’s okay.”

James nodded. He let himself feel the fleeting sense of relief. If there was anyone who had any chance of reaching Sirius in his current state, it would be Remus. He had a way of getting to Sirius when no one else could, grounding him. Right now James knew it was exactly what Sirius probably needed. 

Remus was on his feet in an instant, moving with the same calm grace he always had to him. He did pause however just for a moment by the bottom of the stairs, to glance back at James.

“Stay here,” He said, his voice assertive but not unkind. If anything, it was calming actually. “I’ll handle this for now,” 

James watched with tired eyes as Remus left up the stairs, his footsteps light but purposeful as headed up to Sirius. The flat fell silent again, apart from the faint sounds coming from above. The small creaks of the floor and the muffled thud of something being knocked over. 

James stayed right where he was, his heart feeling heavier than a ton of bricks, and his mind still running wild. He trusted Remus with the task of handling it. He trusted Remus to be the steadying presence Sirius so desperately needed. Even then however, James wasn’t quite able to shake the feeling that they were all teetering on the edge of something inevitable. That he was silently bracing himself for an eventual crash, unable to stop it. As much as he wanted to help he knew there wasn’t much he could do as of right then. All he could do was wait, and hope that Remus could pull Sirius back from his current meltdown.

He knew that the fight wasn’t over but tonight, maybe just tonight, Remus might be able to help Sirius calm down a little. James also knew that he wasn’t quitting his plan. He was going to fix this. 

He simply needed to.

Chapter Text

Regulus sat on the bench in the park patiently waiting for Pandora to show up. The weather was a little colder that day, a cold breeze nipping lightly at Regulus’ cheeks. Regulus didn’t mind too much. It meant he wouldn’t have to sweat so much under his long-sleeved shirt, trying to hide away the scars that lined his arms. 

Some were his mother’s work, some were his own. He didn’t like looking at any of them too much no matter who the culprit was. They were ugly. So ugly. Most of them were faded by now, just thin white lines stretching across his pale skin. But still, they served as a cruel reminder of the failure he had always been. Back when his only escape from the pain inside had been physical pain. 

He had rid himself of the nasty habit after his failed attempt at ending his life. He wasn’t sure why the urge had stopped then. Maybe he had finally caused himself enough pain to last him a lifetime. Maybe he was too tired. 

Before his accident, he had been hurting so much all the time. Afterward, that hurt had faded to instead give way to a hollow emptiness. As if even when he hadn’t succeeded in physically taking his life, he had still managed to suck it out of him entirely. 

Still, he didn’t like to look at the scars. And he most definitely didn’t want other people seeing them. It felt like having his pain, his hurt, his past, open and obvious for everyone to see, leaving him exposed. Regulus hated feeling exposed. So he had turned to covering up. 

Luckily he didn’t have to worry so much about his self-loathing right then. That could wait. Right now he was waiting for Pandora. 

They had fallen into a comfortable little routine, finally having found the right moments when they both had free time to meet up, and whenever they could they did. Regulus wasn’t sure at all what Pandora could be getting out of their meetings. He didn’t think he had much to offer at all, in fact, more often than not he thought himself to be more of just an extra burden to Pandora. But Pandora still showed up every time, happy as ever, with her infectious enthusiasm and energy. Regulus greedily soaked it up, taking whatever little fleeting sense of peace he could get from the girl. 

Today would be no exception surely.

Except when Pandora showed up, she wasn’t alone. 

Regulus noticed the boy walking alongside her immediately. He was tall and broad-shouldered, and sported the same blonde curls and delicate pretty features as Pandora, though where Pandora’s were stretched out into a delicate smile, the boy’s were instead tucked into a stoic expression, his mouth curling ever so slightly into a small frown as if he was uncertain or perhaps just awkward. 

The resemblance between them was striking. They looked like mirror images of each other, only with vastly different styles and mannerisms. Pandora was clad in an outfit just as unusually eccentric as it always was; a black and white polka dot dress contrasted by bright red tights, her mane of curls tucked up into a messy bun with strands of hair falling in and around her face in a way that was so beautifully imperfectly her. She was talking to the boy excitedly, her arms flailing a little as she seemed to be explaining something Regulus couldn’t yet hear due to their distance. The boy beside her was seemingly listening, though perhaps a bit absentmindedly as his eyes seemed to drag lazily over their surroundings. He was wearing a rather mundane-looking outfit. Black jeans and a dark green jumper, the only real thing standing out about it being the several sets of earrings in his ears and the few rings on his fingers, glinting slightly in the sun, managing to shine through the clouds now and then. 

As they slowly approached, getting closer, Regulus felt a flicker of unease pass through him at the sudden presence of a stranger, someone who wasn’t part of their usual routine. 

Pandora’s smile was as bright as ever, though she held a slightly different energy to her that day - lighter, a little more animated. 

When they finally reached him, Pandora first greeted Regulus, as excited as ever before turning to the boy beside her and gesturing with a playful flourish. 

“Regulus, this is my twin brother, Evan.” She introduced him, her voice filled with a sort of quiet pride that made Regulus’ wariness soften a bit. Pandora had talked briefly about her twin brother before. Not that Regulus knew much about him, but just from the way she spoke of him it was clear how much love and admiration lay between them. Regulus had remembered his chest clenching ever so slightly whenever she did because it reminded him painfully of him and Sirius. It had made him wonder if maybe Sirius had ever talked about Regulus like that to his own friends and if maybe he would be doing that right now if things hadn’t ended like they did. 

Still, Regulus couldn’t hold Pandora’s love for her brother against her. How could he, when he knew just how important that was? When he knew just how much he himself longed just to have that back. Really he was just happy to listen to Pandora speaking about anything that made her happy, anything that made her eyes twinkle in the way they always did when she got excited, making her seem oddly like some Disney character, something wondrous and slightly childish - in a way, Regulus was strangely fond of - always seeming to accompany her joy.

“He’s visiting for a short while. Wanted to see the campus so I thought I’d bring him along. Hope you don’t mind too much,” Pandora explained, and Regulus found himself shaking his head, to confirm with her that it was okay, if only a little timidly as Evan looked at him with sharp watchful dark eyes. 

Evan gave a small, almost shy nod then, his eyes briefly meeting Regulus’ before they calmly flickered away again. 

“Hi,” he muttered. His voice was deep and a little quiet, but it held the same mellow calmness that Regulus often found in himself. There was no overbearing cheerfulness, no attempt to break the silence like Pandora’s voice would usually carry, and though Regulus did adore Pandora’s joyous ways he found that he cherished Evan’s more toned-down demeanour quite a bit as well. It was just a simple, composed greeting that felt strangely reassuring to Regulus. 

Regulus nodded back, even managing a small smile.

“Hello,” He greeted back, his voice equally soft. The awkwardness of the situation didn’t vanish entirely - both Regulus and Evan seeming a little out of their element - but still, Regulus found that it had lessened a little with even just that brief exchange. As if the two of them getting a chance to just quietly assess each other had calmed their nerves a little. 

Evan seemed as comfortable in the quiet as Regulus was. That, at least, they seemed to have in common. It was funny how the twins seemed picture-perfect copies of each other and yet also seemed to contrast the other entirely. And yet, standing next to each other they didn’t look all that odd, even with their differences. Somehow they complimented each other quite nicely, as if they fit together like two puzzle pieces. 

Once again Regulus found his mind wandering back to him and Sirius. They looked a lot like each other too, or at least that’s what everyone had told them, though that had always been one of Regulus’ biggest pet peeves. It seemed that at every event they went to someone had to remind him of how he was growing up to become “Almost as handsome a boy as Sirius”. It had always irked him. 

It was another one of their family’s cruel habits. Both his parents and the people around them always seemed to have some quiet agenda going on, always subtly trying to pit the boys against each other, whether it was telling Regulus to be a little tougher, a little less weak, like his older brother or telling Sirius to be a little more obedient, and calm, less rebellious, like his younger brother. 

Looking back on it, it was all so stupid. But it had almost always worked. There always seemed to be a slight strain in their relationship caused by the quiet jealousy and the unspoken rivalry they were always set up in. Of course, that was a rather normal sibling thing, always trying to one-up each other, but having your entire family feed into it really didn’t do much good. Despite it though, they had always tried their best to understand each other. To put their animosity and their childish need to be better aside when one of them was hurting. Because it was always more important to be there for each other in times of need instead of competing. 

At least it was like that for a while. Until suddenly it wasn’t. Until Sirius decided he didn’t need to be there for Regulus anymore. 

“Regulus?” 

Pandora’s voice cut right through Regulus’ wandering state of mind, pulling him back to the present. He blinked for a moment as he snapped out of the daze he had slipped into. It seemed it was almost every day now that he got lost in thought, thinking back on his and Sirius’ relationship one way or another. It annoyed him a little because he thought he had gotten rid of that habit a long time ago. It just seemed this town brought with it new memories. It just somehow felt like Sirius was always right around the corner, the memories following Regulus like a shadow wherever he went. 

When he blinked and managed to focus again, he was a little startled to find Pandora looking right at him. Watching him with a soft, knowing smile. She had quickly grown used to his tendency to slip into daydreams or distant memories over the few weeks they’d known each other now and her expression held no judgement, at all - just quiet understanding, maybe a little sympathy. 

Evan was looking at Regulus too, and though his gaze was just as calm as before, there was still the slightest furrow in his brow, as if he, too, was a bit concerned. 

Regulus immediately felt embarrassment seep into his mind, as he shifted uncomfortably under the overt attention and felt a flush creeping up his neck.

“Sorry,” He muttered, straightening up a little, and clearing his throat perhaps to try and drive away the weird emotions that had overcome him for a moment there. “What were you saying?”

Pandora, ever the kind and patient soul, waved off his apology easily with a gentle gesture.

“I was just mentioning that it’s Evan’s first time visiting in quite a while,” She repeated her tone light. “He’s been away at university. Montrose. It’s quite a distance away, so we don’t get to see him too often usually,” 

At the mention of Montrose University, Regulus felt his interest piquing ever so slightly. He knew of it - an esteemed university in the heart of London. One of those kinds of places people spoke about with a mix of admiration and envy. 

Regulus’ parents hadn’t allowed him to go university, instead wanting him to focus solely on his figure skating career. To make up for it, they made sure to hire tutors every so often, to make sure, Regulus wasn’t falling behind but of course, it was nothing like the actual university experience. Regulus knew his intelligence wouldn’t be a problem. He had always been intelligent. Always managing to be ahead of his schoolwork and other kids his age. He’d barely convinced his parents to let him graduate from public school - they insisted he didn't need it when his teachers were remarking he was already at a level way above the others - but even then he had always wanted to go to university. Finding out he wouldn’t be allowed to had been a rather big blow. But he’d taken it, just like he’d swallowed every other sour pill his parents had thrown at him without complaint, because what was there to do? Complaining wouldn’t get him anywhere, and he didn’t have the energy to rebel like Sirius always did. Besides, look where that got him.

Still, Regulus had continued to be fascinated with the idea of going to university. Specifically Montrose. He figured that was probably where he would’ve gone if he had been allowed. He sometimes wondered what his life would’ve looked like if he did. But then again wondering wouldn’t get him very far - he’d always end up disappointed, as soon as he came back to look at where he actually was in his life. 

“Montrose University?” Regulus echoed, curiosity evident in his voice. 

Evan shifted where he had sat down on the bench next to Pandora, seemingly a little embarrassed at the mention of the university, as he dropped his gaze to the gravel below them while a faint blush crept up his neck.

“Yeah,” He admitted, almost sheepishly. “Very posh, I know.”

Pandora jumped in then, rolling her eyes at her brother’s embarrassed dismissal, eager to further explain.

“He’s there because of their hockey team. They’re one of the best in the country, you know,” She said, her voice tinged with clear pride on her brother’s behalf.

Regulus felt his heart do a horrible little flip at the mention of hockey, as the memory of Sirius resurfaced again. Regulus wondered if Sirius was still playing hockey somewhere. Maybe for a university team, just like Evan. Maybe even for Montrose. Regulus had no idea. But just the thought of Evan maybe knowing his brother made his stomach coil with something sickly and burning. It brought a bittersweet pang that he immediately tried to push aside. 

Evan still seemed rather embarrassed, fidgeting a little with his rings as Pandora went on, seemingly oblivious to his discomfort. 

“He’s really good, you know,” She continued, clearly more than happy to talk about her brother’s achievements. “He’s been playing ever since we were kids, and now he’s one of their star players.”

She nudged Evan playfully, but he only shook his head as he let out a bashful chuckle, before trying to downplay it.

“I’m really not that good, Pandora. You talk like I’m already a professional” He mumbled, but she just brushed off his attempts with a fond roll of her eyes and a dismissive wave of her hand in his direction.

“Oh, but you are excellent, Evan,” She insisted, her tone teasing but still holding a clear hint of affection. “It just sucks you have to be so far away. You really could visit a bit more often, you know.”

Evan looked even more embarrassed with every compliment she sent his way, but still, there was an undeniable warmth in his eyes that suggested he appreciated her words, even if they did make him a little uncomfortable. 

He opened his mouth to respond but before he could Pandora’s expression shifted a little, as a new thought seemed to cross her mind. Suddenly she turned to him, her eyes narrowing as a playful suspicion surfaced in her gaze.

“Speaking of visiting, why exactly are you here now?” She asked, tilting her head slightly. “Usually, you don’t come back home until you absolutely have to, and this time it was so… sudden. You’ve never been interested in the campus before either. What’s with that?”

Evan hesitated then, going a little tense as a slight flicker of nervousness passed over his features before he glanced away, almost guiltily. 

“I guess I just got a little homesick, is all.” He said, though his voice lacked the confidence it had carried before. 

Pandora didn’t look entirely convinced at all, her eyes darting over his features for a moment, searching his face for something more. Eventually, though she must’ve decided to let it go for now, as she gave a small shrug.

“If you say so,” She replied, her tone just as light as before though it still carried a clear hint of curiosity with it. 

Evan offered a small tightlipped smile, clearly relieved that she wasn’t going to be pressing the issue further right then. 

Regulus just watched the exchange quietly, noting the subtle tension suddenly appearing between them. There was something more to Evan’s visit apparently, something he wasn’t saying, even Regulus could see that but since Pandora decided not to pry further he decided he shouldn’t wonder too much about it either. Instead, he let the moment pass.

“Anyway, Regulus, how’d the practice with James go?” Pandora asked, quickly shifting the topic as she turned to look at him instead. Regulus could see the way, Evan relaxed notably as soon as the subject changed. Regulus however felt himself go tense as he let out a slight groan being rudely reminded of the less-than-ideal circumstances he found himself in.

“Ugh, don’t even get me started,” Regulus sighed, annoyedly, rubbing his hands over his face in frustration. Pandora giggled lightly beside him.

“That bad, huh?” She teased as she giggled, clearly amused with his frustration.

“I could kill him, Pandora. Like I could actually murder him.” Regulus muttered with a dramatic sigh, though the hint of exaggeration in his tone only made Pandora laugh more.

Evan who had been quietly listening from the sidelines, raised an eyebrow at Regulus, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as well.

“He sounds like a handful,” He said, and Regulus could tell he was trying to keep his tone just as monotone as before though he didn’t quite manage to prevent a slight hint of amusement from creeping through. 

“You have no idea,” Regulus replied, sounding nearly exasperated as he rolled his eyes just imagining James again. “He’s quite literally impossible to work with. Like he’s just always pushing, always demanding more. It’s like he knows exactly how to get under my skin and he’s just doing it on purpose to make my life fucking miserable!”

Pandora chuckled, as she gave Regulus a playful nudge.

“Regulus, you do realise you’re talking about him like he’s an actual supervillain. Are you sure you’re not exaggerating just a teensy tiny bit?” She said with a grin and Regulus couldn’t help but roll his eyes at her and let out an offended huff of air.

He thought friends were supposed to have your back no matter what. So much for being a friend. Regulus thought dramatically. 

“Yeah, well, you haven’t had to be around him for prolonged amounts of time have you?" He muttered with a huff. "He just… he doesn’t know when to stop!” Regulus continued complaining, throwing up his hands in frustration and pouting in a way he knew probably made him look more like a petulant toddler than he was going for. “He just keeps going. Like he’s trying to… I don’t know, it’s like he’s trying to prove something to someone and I just, I can’t figure him out.” Regulus sighed. 

Evan leaned back slightly then, his gaze turning more thoughtful.

“Maybe he is,” He said quietly. Regulus looked up towards him then, surprised to hear the input from Evan but curious as to what his point was. Evan shot them both a shy smile back when they both turned to him, clearly a little flustered with the sudden attention but continued nonetheless. “Just, I mean, sometimes people push others because they’re trying to prove something to themselves.” 

Regulus paused at that, considering Evan’s words for a minute. It made a lot of sense actually. Regulus hadn’t been able to figure out why James was helping him because there seemed to be no external reason for it. No physical thing like money or outward gratification he was getting out of it. But maybe Regulus was just looking at it the wrong way entirely. Maybe James was getting something out of it, just mentally. Maybe he had some other goal, something he wanted to see or prove. Regulus just wished he could figure out what that thing was. 

Regulus was also entirely surprised to be getting this advice from Evan. There was a depth to his words that made Regulus wonder what exactly had made Evan contribute to the conversation and if maybe he knew something more about that type of person, but he didn’t press. Instead, Regulus just nodded, though the frustration about James still lingered. 

“Maybe,” Regulus conceded, still thinking it all over. “But it doesn’t make him any less annoying.” 

Pandora hummed in agreement, though there was a glint in her eye that suggested she found the whole thing more amusing than anything else.

“Well maybe next time you should just out-stubborn him,” She suggested with a playful wink. “See how he likes it.” 

Regulus only snorted and shook his head.

“If only it were that easy.” He muttered before letting out another frustrated sigh, “But James is like a fucking brick wall, I swear to god. There’s just no moving him. And trust me I’ve tried to argue,” 

“Oh I’m sure you have” Pandora gave him a teasing smile, “you’re not exactly the type to go down without a fight,” She laughed. Regulus was about to retort to her obvious jab but before he could Evan was speaking up again, looking just as thoughtful as before.

“Well… maybe you’re the one who needs to be more flexible then,” Evan said, his tone light but with an undercurrent of something more, as if this wasn’t just about James. Regulus gave him a raised brow urging him to go on. “I mean, sometimes it’s not about breaking through the wall, but finding a way around it. If James is stubborn then maybe… surprise him.”

“Surprise him?” Regulus said, not understanding entirely.

Evan just nodded.

“Yeah. I mean if you’ve already tried fighting him then maybe he expected that. Maybe you need something unexpected. Catch him out of his element,” 

Regulus nodded thoughtfully. That was actually… maybe a good idea. One he hadn’t thought of. And though it annoyed him to think he might need to do anything else than fight James which was definitely the only thing he really wanted to do, it made sense. James did seem to expect him to fight. Maybe he did need to surprise him. Catch him off guard before he fought it, so he wouldn’t be as sure of what to do. 

“Oh, that’s actually a good idea!” Pandora exclaimed, easily excited as always. “It seems I’ve underestimated you, Evs. maybe you aren’t as dense as I thought,” She teased, to which Evan only rolled his eyes, though a small blush crept up his cheeks at the compliment on his idea.

“Oh shut up,” He muttered before shifting slightly where he sat and digging out his phone to take a glance at the time. When he saw it Regulus watched his eyes widen the tiniest bit. 

“Oh actually, I should probably get going now,” He said, his tone casual but with a hint of urgency that hadn’t been there before. 

Pandora frowned a little, her brows knitting together in confusion, clearly upset with that announcement. 

“So soon? But you just got here,” She protested, though her tone was more curious than upset. 

Evan offered a small, apologetic smile but ultimately didn’t change his mind on the matter.

“Yeah, I know. But I’ve got… something I need to take care of,” He explained, a bit vaguely. “I’ll be back later, I promise,” 

Pandora didn’t look very convinced but she didn’t press him, simply just let her lips press into a thin line as she nodded and stood up.

“Alright, just don’t be a stranger, okay? You’re allowed to visit more than just once every five months you know,” 

Evan chuckled softly, moving to stand up as well. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he promised, though there was still that strange edge of nervousness in his voice. 

Regulus watched the exchange quietly, with curiosity swirling in his mind. He couldn’t help but let his mind linger on the earlier conversation. There was something about Evan that intrigued him. Something about the way he spoke, the way he seemed to understand more about Regulus’ situation than he was letting on. But before he could dwell on it further, Evan hugged Pandora goodbye and gave him a small nod. 

“It was nice meeting you Regulus,” Evan said, his voice genuine, if only still a bit reserved.

“You too,” Regulus replied, nodding back.

With that, Evan made his way down the path to leave them. Pandora followed behind him a little of the way to see him off. Regulus stayed where he was on the bench, watching the boy leave, with a strange feeling settling in his chest. There was just something about the way Evan had so obviously been making excuses that didn’t sit quite right with him, though he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It was just like there was something more about Evan’s visit than what he was letting on.

When Pandora made her way back to Regulus and sat back down it was clear she was feeling just as conflicted about the situation as he was.

“What was that about?” Regulus asked curiously, nodding in the direction Evan had just walked off in. 

Pandora sighed quietly and shrugged.

“I don’t know,” She muttered, narrowing her eyes a little as if she too was trying to figure it out. “He’s just… this visit is strange you know? Not that I don’t love him coming home for once but he usually always has a reason and normally he’s not this… mysterious.”

Regulus nodded thoughtfully, understanding her frustration. He remembered when he and Sirius used to talk about everything, only having each other to confide in. And then suddenly he had mysterious new friends that he would spend all his time with. Regulus saw him less and Sirius started to draw away from him.

Well, really Sirius just started drawing away from their family. Regulus figured that if he had actually cared to ask, Sirius would’ve probably let him in on what he was doing. But back then Regulus had been so annoyed with him. He didn’t understand why suddenly he had to change, why suddenly he couldn’t just do what their parents asked. Why he had to always purposely upset their mother. He hadn’t asked because he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to know his stupid new friends. He just wanted Sirius back.

And then suddenly he was gone. And Regulus never really understood what happened. 

Sometimes he wished he would’ve asked. But then again part of him still doesn’t want to know.

Part of him wanted nothing to know of what glorious people were apparently so much better than him that he ended up the second choice. Second choice as always.

“He’ll probably come around. I’m sure it’s nothing serious,” Regulus found himself saying. He wasn’t even sure why. He hadn’t ever been the best at reassuring others. Maybe it was just the way Pandora looked so clearly confused and a little hurt that had made him feel like he needed to say something. Or maybe it was the fact that he innerly wished that he would have had someone to reassure him back when he too felt like he was losing touch with his brother. 

Whatever it was it did seem to help Pandora a little. She shook her head a little as if to shake off some of her worries and offered Regulus a smile. It wasn’t nearly as blinding as it usually was, but the dim light of her usual spark was still there and Regulus took that as a good sign. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” She said, nodding slightly as if the words were just as much to herself as they were to Regulus. “I’m probably worried for nothing. Evan is just… he can be so closed off sometimes. It can be a little hard to get in and our parents they don’t… they don’t always do the best job at actually trying to be there for him,”

Regulus nodded again though he felt his stomach turning a little. He realised just now that Pandora hadn’t talked much of her parents ever. He had always just thought that with her endless enthusiasm, her parents must be just as joyful and loving. But maybe he had been too quick to assume. Maybe Pandora had just as much to deal with as he did. 

Pandora only stayed looking a little down for a moment before she seemed to shake that off and offered Regulus another smile, some of the mischievous energy from before shining through again. 

“But anyways, enough of that. Now, what’s the plan with this James situation?” 

Well, Regulus had thought he had a plan when he went to the Arena that day. He had renewed energy and hope that maybe he finally had a chance to throw off James. 

Somehow all that energy failed him as soon as he stepped inside the locker room to see James Potter changing out. Shirtless. 

James Potter was shirtless and Jesus Christ had he been hiding that lean six-pack under his shirt this whole time?

“Reggie!” James exclaimed as soon as he saw him clearly not fazed about his own half-dressed state at all.

Regulus frowned and barely managed to hold back the annoyed groan that was about to slip past his lips.

“Told you not to call me that didn’t I, Potter?” Regulus said while having to manually rip his eyes away from James’ chest to look him in the eye.

James was smirking at him as if he knew Regulus was faltering. His plan was clearly to stay just as insufferable as he always was. 

Regulus had thought it wouldn’t be too hard to just… be surprising. Don’t be so mean. But god it was so hard when James was right in front and was looking so annoyingly stupidly good while also being just about the most annoying person in the universe.

“Oh, I don’t recall you saying anything of the sort actually,” James said, his tone going oddly high-pitched as he feigned innocent confusion and brought a finger to his mouth trying to emulate a wondering expression. 

“Well, you have the memory of a goldfish then,” Regulus scoffed as he pushed past James further into the locker room past James. 

“Well actually that’s been proven false,” James muttered behind him. 

“What?” Regulus asked despite trying his hardest to just ignore James’ presence altogether. 

James just looked back at him, looking just as smugly proud as ever as he shrugged a little.

“Well, it’s been proven that goldfish have a longer attention span. In the 60s actually, I think.”

Regulus frowned. He really didn’t like James knowing something he didn’t. Who cared enough to know anything about goldfish anyway? James did apparently. Ugh, he just seemed like the type to know stupid facts like that. 

“Right,” Regulus stated, slightly bitter, as he turned around, choosing to just ignore James again. 

James made a sound behind him, something like a proud huff and it only sparked the annoyance Regulus felt even more. 

Regulus reminded himself of his plan. Not yet. Just surprise him. He expects you to fight so just hold it back a little longer.

Regulus stared at his locker, taking in a deep breath as he tried to calm himself. Luckily he didn’t have to change clothes now. He almost always did that from home when he could, he just had to set his things down and dig out his skates and gloves.

Regulus dug through his bag, just trying to focus on anything other than James irritating presence right behind him. He could hear the other shuffling around, pulling on his clothing, and every little sound seemed to grate on his nerves. 

Regulus could feel his plan already slipping right through his fingers. It was getting harder and harder to try and even start with his patience thinning more and more every second. How was he supposed to catch James off guard by not being so stubborn, when everything about the other boy was so infuriating?

“Ready for practice?” James asked, breaking the silence in the room with his usual chipper tone. He sounded almost… excited as if this was all just some fun little activity for him. As if he actually enjoyed these sessions. That notion made Regulus clench his fists in barely contained annoyance. 

Regulus clenched his jaw trying to keep back some of the snark from his tone when he answered. 

“Yes.” He answered tone cut short and uttered through gritted teeth. He could hear how rigid he sounded and James probably could tell too just how much it took Regulus not to give him back a snappy response. 

James chuckled, and Regulus could feel him moving a little closer. Regulus tensed, bracing himself for more annoying commentary, but instead, James spoke in a slightly more serious than before. 

“Look, I know you hate me - well… at least dislike me quite a bit - but this practice isn’t about that. It isn’t about being close to me. My mo-” James stopped himself, maybe remembering Regulus being less than thrilled at the news of them being related, and instead continued with, “Effie thinks you’re one of the best skaters she’s seen. But you need to loosen up. Skating isn’t just about technique. It’s about so much more. It’s about emotion too, about letting go as well as reigning yourself in. I’m just here to help you with that.” 

Regulus knew it was against his plan but he couldn’t help the scoff that escaped him as he turned to face James and folded his arms. 

“So you’re going to teach me how to feel? That’s what you think you’re going to do? What a joke.” Regulus scowled.

James only grinned, but it wasn’t as smug as usual. 

“No, I’m not going to teach you how to feel Regulus. I actually do think you’re capable of that yourself. But maybe I can teach you how to stop thinking so hard for a minute. Come on, you never know - might even be fun.” 

Fun. The word lingered in the air, and inside of Regulus’ mind as soon as it had come out of James’ mouth. The word felt foreign. Regulus honestly couldn’t recall the last time he’d associated anything with skating as fun. He couldn’t even really the last time he just had fun. Maybe with Pandora. Well…. Being with her was definitely pleasant but he wasn’t sure if it truly counted as having fun. 

Still, he had to keep up appearances, at least for now, so sighing he grabbed his things. 

“Fine. Let’s just get this over with.” 

They walked out of the locker room in silence, the tension still hanging there between them though James seemed just as unfazed as ever, walking with a slight pep in his step and humming a tune that Regulus was pretty sure was the horrid song he put on the last time they practiced. He wasn’t sure if James was doing it to tease him or to get another reaction but whatever it was he wasn’t going to get it. Regulus’ mind was set. He couldn’t fight. Not too much right now at least.

That sure didn’t mean he was going to be nice because had never been very good at being nice especially not with James but maybe he could be at least a little more… lenient. At least that was what he hoped he might be able to do. 

Maybe that was the key to fucking this thing over. Getting James’ guard down before he truly pushed back. 

When headed into the rink Euphemia was already waiting for them with a clipboard in her hands. She smiled as she saw them, their steps echoing throughout the empty rink. When they got to her she smiled brightly at both of them before speaking. 

“Good, you’re here. Let’s get straight to it shall we?” She nodded, not waiting for an answer from any of them before she continued, looking right at James. “James, I want us to start with the switching practice we talked about. Sound good?” 

James smiled and gave her a thumbs-up before walking over to sit down and get on his skates. Regulus, however, looked puzzled, waiting right where he stood. 

“Switching practice?” He asked, his voice laced with suspicion.

James’ grin widened as he looked up to Regulus again from where he sat on the bench already pulling on his skates to get them on. 

“You’ll see.” He said and Regulus only felt himself frown. That was weirdly ominous. Confused he looked over to Euphemia only to see her rummaging around where her bags stood with her back turned on him. As if she felt him looking at him she spoke up.

“Regulus, I’m pretty sure I’ve got your size right but tell me if they fit weird alright?”

Regulus didn’t feel like that explained much more but as soon as she turned around he felt his frustration grow as he saw the pair of hockey skates in her hands. She smiled and walked towards him and Regulus could only shake his head a little.

“Please don’t tell me those are for me,” He said, gesturing toward the skates but she only walked right over to him and pushed the skates into his arms with a wide grin.

“Oh, but they are, Regulus.” She said, clearly not phased by his blatant unenthusiastic reaction. 

Regulus stared down at the skates in his hands not moving an inch. 

“What for?” He asked, not wanting to believe that they were doing what he thought they were trying to make him do. 

“I’m going to teach you a bit of hockey,” James perked up from where he sat, patting his own skates, already laced up and tied. 

Regulus groaned, muttering a soft, “Oh dear god,” Because he couldn’t believe they were actually trying to pull something this stupid. He was about to protest again when suddenly he remembered his promise, remembered the words Evan had told him. Be more flexible. Move around the wall, not against it. 

So instead of protesting like he wanted to, Regulus squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before letting out a sigh.

“Fine… fine,” he muttered, already exasperated, and moved over to the bench to begin tying his skates. 

James gave him a skeptical look from where he was still sitting beside him despite having tied his skates already. 

“Fine?” He asked seeming a little surprised at Regulus agreeing to the idea without further arguing. Regulus didn’t say anything, he just started removing his sneakers so he could get the damn skates on. 

James wasn’t letting him go without an answer though. 

“No arguing? Not even a snarky comment?” James asked, his voice curious but blatantly teasing. Regulus sighed. He really did want to give out a snarky comment, quite a few in fact, but that wasn’t the plan so he just shook his head a little.

“Don’t see the point when you’re going to make me do it anyway,” He muttered, pulling the skates on a little too harshly, not being able to quite mask the frustration in both his words and his movements at the same time. 

James just chuckled beside him.

“Well I suppose that makes sense” He shrugged and instead just turned to watch Regulus put on the skates. Regulus could feel the annoyance bubbling up in him as James just stared but still he said nothing. Getting the skates on went fine at first and then suddenly James was speaking up again. 

“Wait, Regulus, I wouldn’t tie them like that if I were you,” He said making Regulus frown though he continued tying them nonetheless. 

James wasn’t letting himself be ignored so easily however shooting out a hand to grab at Regulus’ own just to stop him from tying the skates for a moment. Regulus felt a slight bolt go through him at the contact though he promptly ignored that and instead sharply whipped his head up to glare at James.

“What?” He hissed and James gave him a roll of his eyes, already having expected the attitude.

“Regulus, you’re not tying them tight enough.” He said, his voice carrying just the tiniest hints of frustration though his smile was still big, amused even.

Regulus narrowed his eyes at him, definitely not appreciating to be told he was doing something as simple as tying his skates wrong. 

“Yes, I am.” He huffed but James only shook his head, his grin growing slightly wider.

“But you aren’t.” He chuckled, shaking his head a little more before sighing and shuffling a little closer. “Here let me do it for you,” He moved to tie up Regulus’ skates but Regulus jerked back utterly horrified by the idea of having his skates tied up like some stupid child, and by James of all people.

“No, you will not.” Regulus hissed glaring at James who only let out another slightly frustrated sigh before looking Regulus in the eyes.

“Look, I can tell you how to do it too, but it’s much faster if I just do it for you and it doesn’t seem like you appreciate me telling you what to do much either” 

Regulus sent James another narrow-eyed glare, not at all for the idea, but after a moment of realization - that James wasn’t about to give up easily here - he exhaled sharply, leaning back slightly in a wordless invitation.

“Fine. Whatever,” Regulus muttered, annoyed, trying to look anywhere but James. 

Regulus still James out of his periphery though and he was grinning big, clearly satisfied with the small victory. Without another word James moved closer, kneeling in front of Regulus to begin untying the laces on the skates. His fingers moved quickly, swiftly undoing the knots with ease.

“These skates aren’t for figure skating,” James explained, his voice still holding that hint of amusement though it was much softer now. “You’ve gotta have your skates quite tight for hockey, or you won’t be able to stop fast enough. We don’t want you breaking your ankles out there. These aren’t built for grace - they’re built for power.” James explained casually.

Regulus barely heard him. He was way too focused on the fact that James was kneeling. Kneeling right there in front of him, hands on his skates, much too close for comfort. Regulus glanced down, trying to look as uninterested as possible but just then James looked up too suddenly, to check if Regulus was still listening. His eyes were wide and earnest, seeming much more genuine than he ever had. 

In the overhead lights of the rink, James’ face seemed softer, and for the first time, Regulus found himself staring, entirely caught off guard by the sharp contrast between James’ usual smug demeanor and the sudden genuine intensity of his gaze. James wasn’t smirking now and he wasn’t teasing; he just looked… Beautiful , a small part of Regulus’ mind whispered and it terrified him.

Regulus blinked, his heart skipping a few beats as he suddenly found the strength to yank away his gaze and instead stare pointedly at the wall. 

What the fuck was that?

The thought boomed through his mind and he immediately shoved it aside as he felt heat creeping up the back of his neck.

Snap out of it, you idiot.

James seemed just as thrown off. He blinked, his fingers faltering for a moment before he snapped out of it and quickly finished tying the laces.

“There.” He said, voice a bit strained, as he stood up in a slightly jerky, awkward motion. He dusted off his hands on his pants and very obviously avoided meeting Regulus’ eyes, bringing up his hand to scratch the back of his neck in a nervous way that was so not typically him.

Regulus quickly busied himself as he flexed his feet, testing the tightness of the skates, and tried to just pretend altogether that absolutely nothing weird had just happened. He stood up, feeling a little more balanced on his feet but entirely unstable in every other sense. 

“Right… well, right.” He muttered out in a weird jumbled mess, walking past James quickly though it did require a little more effort as the skates he had on now were much clunkier than the ones he was used to. He could feel himself stiffen, pulling right back into his usual defensive shell and that was good. Perfect. He had let himself be caught off guard for a moment there. A mistake he wouldn’t make again because whatever just happened was nothing short of absolutely horrifying. 

He had to remind himself of his plan. Stay calm. Stay composed. He wasn’t here to be caught off guard, especially not by James of all people. 

James straightened, giving him another playful grin, though it didn’t quite reach his this time. It seemed he was sticking to his usual attitude as well, going right back to the annoying James Potter that Regulus had come to expect. Regulus could do with that. At least he had known to expect that now. At least he could seem to deal with that at least a little better than whatever side of James he had just seen before. 

“Ready to get started then, ice prince?” James said, clearly right back to his teasing again. 

Regulus couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Right. James was still as insufferable as ever. Good to know. 

“Don’t call me that,” He muttered petulantly, and moved toward the entrance onto the ice, as his usual frustration settled back into place. 

“Ready to get practicing, boys?” Euphemia said excitedly, suddenly showing up right beside them again and Regulus nearly startled right out of his skin. He had completely forgotten she was even there. He didn’t have to respond though as James was quicker, moving in front of Regulus and throwing his mom a quick reassuring smile. 

“Yep, all good.” 

Euphemia smiled back, seemingly happier than ever.

“Right, then, well, I’ll let you take the wheel here.” She said, giving him a small pat on the shoulder.

James nodded before glancing back at Regulus with an easy smile to confirm that he was following too. Regulus just gave him a tightlipped expression. James must’ve taken that as enough of a confirmation cause he turned around then to start moving.

As they skated into the center, James wasted no time in demonstrating the first move: a simple, powerful stride, pushing off with brute force. 

“See? Easy!” James exclaimed, gliding smoothly across the ice after the demonstration. He made it look effortless, his movements loose, as if he didn’t have to think about anything - just muscle memory and instinct. Regulus figured that was exactly what it was, especially if it was one of the simpler moves.

Regulus, however, was anything but relaxed. He tried to mimic the movement to the best of his abilities but every push felt calculated, stiff, and unnatural and it was hard to get used to the skates being so much bigger, and not matching up with his usual skating style. His body simply seemed to resist the ungraceful, messy mechanics of whatever James had just shown him.

“Loosen up, will you, Reg?” James called out, skating backward as he watched Regulus in his struggle. “You’re overthinking it.”

Regulus’ jaw tightened at the nickname, feeling his teeth grinding together. 

“Don’t tell me how to skate.” He snarked, entirely forgetting the plan once again because what the fuck was he doing here? How was this in any way supposed to help him with his figure skating routine?

“I’m not telling you how to skate,” James shot right back, smirking as he glided right past Regulus with ease. “I’m telling you how not to skate like a robot.” 

Regulus’ irritation flared all over again and he felt the need to just lash out and refuse to skate  altogether. But no- that wasn’t the plan. He needed to do this, see it through at least for now until he had his chance to actually get out of it. 

And so Regulus pushed off of the ice harder, trying to match James’ speed, but it felt so awkward. His body was so used to the precision and control of figure skating. The rough, aggressive movement of hockey skating didn’t fit him and all, and every failed attempt only frustrated him more. 

James, of course, did not let up even once. He skated circles right around Regulus, teasing him with little spins and sudden stops that made Regulus feel even more unsteady until eventually, Euphemia would yell from the sidelines to stop the teasing and he’d yell back an unconvincing giggly, “Sorry!”

“Come on, Black, where’s that fighting spirit?” James taunted, grinning like he was enjoying this far too much. “I thought you’d be the type to at least try to keep up.” 

“I am trying ,” Regulus snapped back at him, pushing off the ice again, even harder this time entirely driven by his frustration and need to do better no matter what it was he was trying to do. A habit instilled by his mother that was useful sometimes, and borderline destructive at other times. 

But the more Regulus tried, the more forced his movements became and James just kept pushing him further and further, egging him on with his instigating commentary.

James skated up beside him, just close enough to bump him lightly with his shoulder.

“You’re thinking too much, you know. Hockey’s not about making it look good. It’s about letting go.”

Regulus shot him a glare that surely could kill.

“I know how to skate.” 

“You know how to skate to perform ,” James corrected him, still smirking. “This isn’t the same thing.” 

Regulus could feel his frustration starting to boil over. James’ smug attitude, his constant teasing, his constant pushing never once relenting. It was all designed to get right under his skin. But Regulus reminded himself of what he needed to be doing here. He had to stay composed, he had to not give in to the bait, no matter how tempting. 

So instead of snapping back, he forced himself to take a breath and try again. This time, when he pushed off the ice, he tried to stop thinking about every little movement. He let his body react, rather than control, he let the anger fuel him, giving him the aggressive edge he normally didn’t have and for a brief moment, the glide felt a little smoother. More natural. 

James’ eyes immediately flickered with clear surprise as he watched. 

“There you go! See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” 

Regulus didn’t give him a response, focusing solely on maintaining the rhythm he had just fallen into. Part of him hated that James had even noticed the change and hated even more that it felt… well, better. But he wasn’t about to give James the satisfaction of ever getting to know that. 

“Let’s try something else now,” James suggested, skating backward again as he motioned for Regulus to follow him. “This time, let’s work on stops. You’ve gotta be quick and sharp. Like this-” 

James said right before demonstrating a fast stop, spraying ice as his skates came to an abrupt halt. Regulus once again tried his best to copy him, but his attempt was definitely clumsy, his skates slipping out from under him slightly.

“Nice try,” James laughed, circling back around him with a teasing smile, “You’ll get there, Reggie.” 

Regulus glared at him, only just managing to bite back a retort. Instead, he turned around and tried the stop again, and this time it came out a little cleaner. Not perfect at all, which dismayed Regulus who was not at all content just being okay at something but definitely better. 

“See? Relax a bit and you might actually have fun with this,” James said, his grin only widening as Regulus gave him back a blank cold stare. “I bet you’ve never had this much fun skating before,” 

Regulus shot him a look. First of all, he was not having fun. He felt like he was horrible at this and it did not help to have the person who he considered to be just about the most annoying human being on earth as his helper. Secondly… well, Regulus never needed to have fun. That was never his purpose. He didn’t understand why everyone was so adamant about changing that.

“I don’t need fun. I need to be good.” Regulus said, his voice sharp and low.

James raised an eyebrow, his smile fading ever so slightly as if that comment alone saddened him. As if it reminded him of something bad. It annoyed Regulus. Yet another thing he couldn’t figure out about James Potter. 

“Well, maybe that’s your problem, Black. You’re so focused on being good that you forget to let yourself just… skate.” 

Regulus stared at James for a moment his eyebrows furrowing more and more each second he did so. He found himself a little taken aback by James’ more serious tone. He opened his mouth to argue, but the words never seemed to come to him. He didn’t have a retort. That was strange. James had hit a nerve somehow, and the worst part was, that Regulus wasn’t sure if he was even so wrong. 

But he wasn’t about to let that revelation be known. Not to James.

Instead, he just moved and skated past him, trying to regain his composure. 

“Yeah whatever you say,” He said sarcastically, trying to hide the edge of uncertainty in his voice as his defenses faltered a little still. 

James was quick to skate up beside him though. 

“How’d it feel though? The exercises I mean,” James asked curiously though he looked just as amused again, as if he really did not know of any greater joy than to just annoy the hell out of Regulus. 

Regulus huffed. His breath coming out as a slightly annoyed laugh. 

“Ridiculous,” He said, though there was less bite to it now.

James chuckled, his face lit up with genuine amusement and enthusiasm.

“Good ridiculous or bad ridiculous?” 

Regulus gave him a sideways glance, not entirely sure how to answer. Because he wasn’t sure how it had felt. In a way it had felt a little too good, actually doing something different for once but then again it had also felt quite horrible. Regulus hated not being good at things, hated feeling like he was doing something wrong and he most definitely did not appreciate having James breathing down the back of his neck the entire time.

“Ridiculous as in stupid.” He shot back at James who only gave him a feigned sad frown. 

“Oh come on, don’t you tell you didn’t-” James never got to finish that thought as suddenly Euphemia yelled out from where she was sitting by the benches by the entrance to the ice.

“Boys! Good work! Let’s take a 30-minute break!”

Regulus let out a sigh of relief of relief at that and immediately skated toward the exit of the rink. James was probably following right behind him.

Regulus was exhausted and he knew that right then he needed nothing more than to spend every single second he could of these 30 minutes away from James.

However, the quiet urgency in his movements as he started ripping off his skates must’ve caught the attention of the exact bly he was trying hard to avoid as James let out a chuckle and shot him a funny look.

“Careful there or you might just rip off your entire foot along with the skate,” James teased. Regulus just ignored and continued removing his skates with just as much urgency as before. James was as always not satisfied with no reply at all.

“What’s the hurry?” He asked sitting down next to Regulus on the bench. Regulus had the sudden urge to jerk away because right there there was a hint of that same curiosity in James’ he’d had earlier and Regulus didn’t know how to deal with it.

“Just wanna get some air,” Regulus replied curtly not bothering to explain.

James seemed to perk up slightly as an idea lit up in his eyes. Regulus cursed himself for ever speaking at all. He should’ve just left without another word and saved him the trouble.

“Oh, we can go for a walk together then! I wanted some fresh air too anyway,” James said as if that made any sense at all. But it didn’t. James knew how little Regulus liked him. He knew how stupid of an idea that was.

Safe to say Regulus didn’t spare a second in giving James a blank stare before responding.

“No, James, I meant alone.”

“Oh…” James said and Regulus had no idea why he looked slightly hurt as if he had expected anything different. He had even less of an idea as to why that sparked a slight pang of guilt inside him.

He didn’t have time to wonder about that though. In fact, his odd feelings only proved to him even more that he needed to get away from James. He couldn’t around getting guilty about rejecting him now.

Still, Regulus wasn’t completely cold-hearted and so he muttered a small, “Sorry.” before pulling his sneakers on and promptly walking off. 

When he stepped outside, a light cool breeze hitting his face as the door shut closed behind him, he let out a quiet sigh of relief. Finally, it felt like he could breathe a little better. Regulus welcomed the fresh air, anything that would help clear his head after the practice with James. The campus stretched out far before him. It was a place he hadn’t ever really taken the time to explore before. He’d never had the time or the need to. He’d always been too focused on skating, on perfecting every move, to notice anything beyond the walls of the rink. 

Now though he felt an overwhelming urge to just escape. To put as much distance between himself and James as possible. So without a clear plan in mind, Regulus started walking, letting his feet carry him across the small parking lot and deeper into the campus grounds. 

The university was sprawling, but not in the way that it felt overwhelming just enough to make it feel open. Tall trees with green leaves lined the paths, their smaller branches swaying lightly in the wind. Leaves and fallen branches crunched underneath Regulus’ shoes, creating a soft rhythm as he walked. In the distance, he could see a grand library standing tall with its intricate stonework and veins of ivy climbing up the walls as a testament to the time it had been there, a proof of its long history. 

There weren’t many people out but there were still a few students dotted across the green patches all around. Some sat under trees, others walked in pairs and groups along the paths. Their conversations and laughter carried along past Regulus’ ears with the wind. 

Regulus slowed down, replacing his usual brisk pace with something calmer, more deliberate. He hadn’t ever really taken the necessary time to notice how beautiful the campus was. He hadn’t taken the time to just stop and look at the way the light filtered through the leaves, casting dancing shadows on the ground, or how the flowers sprinkled around in bushes and on the grass around added soft pops of colour to the earthy tones all around. 

He paused for a moment, content to just stand in the middle of the path he was on and take it all in. The peace of it all, the gentle melody of life surrounding him. It was so starkly different from the chaos always wreaking havoc in his mind. And for a moment as he stood there just letting himself take deep breaths of the air, letting it fill up his lungs, he felt a strange sense of calm creeping in. 

After wandering for a little while, Regulus came across an empty bench tucked under a large oak tree stretching out above him. As if it were reaching for the sun. It seemed secluded enough, away from the parts of the path busier with foot traffic, and so he made his way over there and sank onto the bench with a small sigh. He leaned back against the cold wood, closing his eyes briefly to let the sound of nature and distant conversations wash over him. 

For the briefest of moments, Regulus could feel his mind quieting a little and he let it. Finally, for once he wasn’t thinking about skating, or James, or anything in particular at all. Just the rustling of leaves above him, the distant thrum of the campus life, and the feeling of the breeze against his skin. 

When he opened his eyes again, he decided to just people-watch for a bit. It was something he hadn’t done in a long while. When he was younger he used to do it all the time. Just sit at his window in his room and look out at the street close by, looking at the people passing by, wondering who they were, and where they were going. Whether they too felt trapped like he did. Sometimes Sirius would join him and they’d make a game out of it. Trying to find a person and make up the most interesting story to tell the other. It wasn’t really about winning, but more so just to make up something that would make both of them giggle as quietly as they could to not upset their mother who always hated noise. Really it was always more about escaping than anything else.

Maybe that was why Regulus was doing it now too. Just to escape for a moment. To ground himself in the peaceful moment he found himself in, instead of thinking about his current reality. 

He watched students strolling by. Some of them were laughing, some absorbed in conversations or books, others with headphones in, lost in their own world. He watched a couple walking past, holding hands, their quiet content happiness a stark contrast to the constant noise inside his head. It was almost therapeutic. Just watching the world move on while he stayed still. 

Then, out of the corner of his eye, someone caught his attention. 

A tall, lanky boy stood a fair distance away, leaning some of his weight on a cane. Regulus furrowed his brow, a little confused. The boy looked young. Too young to need a cane at least, he couldn’t be much older than Regulus himself, and yet there he was. He was standing with a girl whose long, ginger hair seemed to glow in the sun, where it cascaded over her shoulders and down her back. They were talking, laughing about something, and though Regulus couldn’t hear with how far away they were, there was an ease between them that he quite liked to just observe. He watched them curiously, his thoughts drifting as he wondered what their stories were, falling into old habits. 

Then he heard it. Suddenly a voice, loud and clear, rang out, cutting through the peaceful quiet. 

“Remus!” 

Regulus felt how his body immediately tensed up, his heartbeat picking up speed in an instant. He let out a quiet gasp, the voice striking him as horribly familiar. It couldn’t be- no, it wasn’t possible. But it sounded so… so much like…

Before Regulus could fully process anything, let alone his thoughts, another boy appeared, running toward the tall brunette with the cane. When he reached him, he threw his arms around him, pulling him into a kiss, as the ginger-haired girl beside them laughed fondly. 

Regulus was caught, just staring. The boy had his back to him, but his inky black hair, long and messy, the way he moved, the voice…

It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t be. 

But it looked so much like him. He looked exactly like Sirius. 

Regulus felt his heart drop as something clenched violently and painfully inside him. Suddenly his vision seemed to blur at the edges, as he watched the scene unfold, as if the world itself was starting to crumble right down around him. 

It wasn’t Sirius. It couldn’t be. Sirius was gone. He wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t be laughing and jumping around excitedly anywhere near Regulus ever again, no matter how much he imagined it in his daydreams. 

He just had to be mistaken. It had happened before. A few times he’d thought he’d seen Sirius in London. In cafés, in shops, on the street, but it was always just some stranger. Some lookalike. His mind just playing cruel tricks on him always letting him hope, never stopping its unending search for his long-lost brother, the only other person he held the second half of his heart. 

It wasn’t Sirius.

Regulus got to his feet abruptly feeling slightly dizzy with the sudden movement as he wobbled a little on his feet. He could feel his chest tightening with panic and sorrow and his breathing growing shallow. He had to just get away. He couldn’t be there any longer, watching this twisted painful illusion unfold right before him. His vision swam, and his feet seemed to move on their own, desperately trying to carry him as far away from the scene in a hurry.

But his breaths were coming in quick, panicked bursts by then, each one more labored than the last. The world was tilting around him. The trees, the students, the sky. It all felt wrong. Warped. He stumbled onward, his legs buckling slightly beneath him as his breath caught in his throat, and suddenly he was on his knees beside a tree, desperately gasping for air. 

He grabbed for the grass around him with shaky hands and dug his fingers into the earth as if it could somehow ground him. As if it could stop the storm already starting to rage on inside his chest. His heart was pounding wildly and his vision kept narrowing into a blur of colours and shapes, none of the world around him making sense anywhere. 

Regulus squeezed his eyes shut trying to lessen the confusion but it didn’t help at all. Instead, it just felt like he was sinking into the darkness behind his eyelids. Falling over and over and over again. 

It’s not him. It’s not him. It’s not him.

The words kept repeating like a mantra over and over in his mind but it did nothing to calm the violent panic that was seizing his entire body. His breaths were coming too fast, too short and it felt like he was drowning in a sea of his thoughts, the world spinning too fast too loud, too much, and yet somehow too far away at the same time. 

It hurt so much. It hurt so much everywhere deep inside Regulus as if his soul was tearing itself to pieces because he knew it wasn’t Sirius but he wanted it so badly to just be him anyway. Because the truth was just no matter how much he denied it; he wanted nothing more than for Sirius to just turn up in front of him.

To just be able to look at him, hear him, feel him, wrap his arms around him. Regulus wanted nothing more than to just be able to weep years' worth of tears out into his brother’s arms and have him hold onto Regulus as if no time had ever passed at all. As if no distance had ever come between them. But that was impossible. And Regulus knew that.

And still somehow as he through his panicked state felt hurried protective arms wrapping around him he for a second thought that maybe just maybe his brother had finally come to save him. Maybe he would look up and see that the hands came along with grey eyes that matched his own and a smile as bright as the entire galaxy.

“Sirius? Sirius please- I-” Regulus managed to choke out, a sob escaping his mouth along with the words. He felt the arms stiffen around him but he still clung onto them as if they were a lifeline. He could every particle of him screaming. Please be Sirius. Please be Sirius.

But it was never Sirius.

“Regulus, no, I- Regulus what’s going on?” A voice said above him and Regulus knew immediately it wasn’t Sirius. Sirius’ voice wasn’t as deep. Sirius didn’t say his name like that. It was wrong. So so wrong. Regulus felt another sob rake through his body as he looked up trying to see through his vision entirely blurry with tears. Trying to pick out every shape and color into an actual sensical picture.

And then suddenly he was looking messy curly brown hair. He looked at his hands gripping onto the sleeves of a rusty red zip-up hoodie. And the eyes staring back at him were not at all piercing and gray. They were warm and worried, and brown and deep like honey, staring at him from behind the lenses of a pair of glasses. And suddenly Regulus felt his panic halt in an instant as the world came rushing back to him all at once. 

James. 

It was James looking right back at him and oh Regulus just wanted to dig himself into his own grave right then.

His heart was still thudding painfully in his chest and his breath was still coming in and out of him in panicked gasps. The world felt both too loud and too distant and having James staring right back at him was throwing for a whole other loop entirely as well. But at the same time James’ voice, James’ concerned, steady voice, cut right through the chaos. 

“Regulus. Hey. Can you hear me?” James asked, his hands still resting on Regulus’ shoulders, firm but gentle. His voice was clear and steady, though the clear hint of worry lacing his words lingered.

Regulus blinked, trying to clear his vision. He didn’t want to see James staring back at him. He didn’t want to be here with James. He wasn’t supposed to be here. Sirius was supposed to be here. Sirius was supposed to be the one helping him calm down. Saving him from his own thoughts. His body trembled beneath James’ hands, with both anger and the all too familiar bitter sting of disappointment. 

“Let go of me,” Regulus finally managed to croak, his voice sounding foreign to him. Raw from the sobs that still seemed to be caught somewhere in his throat and cold with something painful swirling inside him.

He jerked away slightly and tried to push James away but his strength was failing him. He was simply too worn out. Physically and Emotionally. James didn’t budge. James stayed right where he was, his hands gripping a little tighter, though not forcefully.

“Regulus, I can’t- I’m not leaving you like this.” He said firmly. His voice was quiet but resolute. “You need to breathe. Just- Just try to breathe with me for a moment, okay?”

Regulus stiffened at the mere absurdity of it all and he found himself wanting to laugh. Breathe? How was he supposed to just breathe when it felt impossible? When it felt like the world was falling apart around him. But as James spoke, there was something so calming about the way his voice so easily wove through the panic. It was firm, but not demanding. Just… there. 

“Come on, Regulus, just look at me,” James coaxed, his voice soft now, bordering on gentle. “You’re okay. You’re safe. You’re right here with me, yeah? Nothing’s going to happen. You’re okay.” He spoke almost as if he had done this before. Regulus faintly wondered if maybe he had. He seemed too good at this. Annoyingly good at just cutting right through the panic and remaining calm and steady like a pillar to lean right onto if he dared. 

Regulus swallowed hard, his breath still shaky, but he forced himself to meet James’ eyes again. He regretted it immediately. He hated how earnest they looked. So deeply concerned, as if this wasn’t all wrong. Regulus hated that James - fucking James of all people - was the one here, seeing him in this state. Seeing him so utterly broken and pathetic. 

“I- I don’t need your help,” Regulus muttered, feeling the need to just establish those borders again, pushing James out with his words if he couldn’t with sheer force. It was weak, and he knew it, but he just couldn’t let James be the one to fix this. He didn’t deserve to be the one to see him like this. Not him. Anyone but him. 

But James didn’t pull away. Instead, his hands stayed right where they were, rubbing calming circles with his thumbs, his gaze not faltering for a second.

“Maybe not,” He said softly, and there was something behind his hands that almost made Regulus feel like he knew. As if James knew that he wasn’t supposed to be the one here. Like he knew he wasn’t the person Regulus really needed, really wanted to be there. “But I’m not leaving you.” 

Regulus could feel his chest tightening again, his mouth growing dry, only this time it wasn’t with panic. It was something else. Something that went deeper. Something much more complicated.

Regulus didn’t want this moment. He didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of James. He didn’t want to be seen. And looking into James eyes felt like being seen into the very pits of his soul. As if the entire universe was staring right back at him. Regulus hated it - hated him. 

But somehow through the gut-wrenching shame, there was a quieter part of him that was relieved. Because James wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t ignoring him or brushing off his panic. He wasn’t judging him or laughing at him or making this entire thing more unbearable than it already was. He was just… there. 

Regulus couldn’t fight it anymore. His body deflated slightly as the weight of everything crashed down on him, consuming him whole. His breathing, though still rather unsteady, started to slow, and the tight grip of panic that had suffocated him seemed to loosen its grip on him a little. Just enough for him to think a little clearer.

James must’ve noticed the change too because he finally eased his hands from where they’d been resting on Regulus’ shoulders, even though he still hovered close by, his gaze never once leaving Regulus’ face. 

“I’m calling my mum,” James said after a quiet moment, his voice firm and calm as he reached for his phone in his pocket. 

Regulus shook his head weakly, swallowing down the nausea that was building inside him. 

“No… don’t do that… I’m fine.” 

James only gave him a slightly frustrated glance as if he was tired of hearing that phrase already and ignored him, already dialing. He stepped away just a tiny bit, keeping Regulus in his peripheral vision as he spoke into the phone. 

“Mum, Hi. Yeah, I need us to cut practice short today. Regulus isn’t feeling well, and I’m taking him to get some food, okay? Yeah, we're fine. I’ll take care of it.” 

The conversation was very brief and when James hung up after saying goodbye to his mum, he looked over at Regulus again with a small, reassuring smile.

“Alright, practice is off. Let’s get something to eat, yeah?”

Regulus stiffened.

“I don’t want anything.” He muttered, though even as he said it, he could feel the gnawing pit of hunger in his stomach. Suddenly he realised he hadn’t eaten anything since that morning and the day had taken every ounce of energy he had left in him. 

James only gave him a look, quirking one eyebrow. 

“You can either come with me willingly, or I’ll drag you there. Your choice.” He said, with a teasing edge to his voice, though it was clear he was very serious in his statement about getting food.

Regulus groaned, annoyedly, feeling his normal self slowly coming back to him even if it still felt like the world around him was oddly muffled as if he was seeing and hearing everything from underwater. 

“You’re impossible.” 

“Yeah, well, so are you” James shot right back, flashing a grin that was far too bright for their current situation. It didn’t feel mocking though. It just felt… comforting. In a very frustrating, James Potter way.

They stared each other down for a few moments more, both of them too stubborn to back down before finally, Regulus felt his exhaustion getting to him. Reluctantly he dropped his gaze and got to his feet. His legs were admittedly still shaky but they were functional. James didn’t try reaching out to help him up, perhaps sensing that Regulus did not want that, though he hovered just nearby to be ready to offer a hand if needed. Regulus appreciated just that silent action - more than he’d ever admit. 

They walked to a nearby café in silence. Oddly enough it wasn’t all that uncomfortable. It was strange though. Whatever this whole new dynamic was that they suddenly had going on, it did confuse Regulus greatly even if he did also slightly appreciate it. James wasn’t being his usual annoying, overbearing self at all. Instead, he was just… calm. Patient. And somehow that made Regulus feel both grateful and inexplicably furious at the same time. 

When they arrived, James guided the both of them over to a small table in a quiet corner of the café and once again Regulus found himself being grateful. He had been afraid they would have to sit somewhere in the middle of the café, James not considering the fact that that meant Regulus would have to deal with voices, sounds, and sensory inputs from all angles constantly. But somehow he guided them right to the quietest corner possible. Regulus was sure it was probably just a coincidence. James probably had no idea that that was exactly what Regulus needed, but still, Regulus was slightly thankful.

Regulus picked up the menu but he barely registered the words, still too caught up in the mess of emotions swirling inside him. When the waiter came, he panicked, having no idea what to order at all. Suddenly he felt all the anxiety inside him rising to the surface again, having someone asking him questions, staring at him, expecting something from him, and Regulus just had no idea, he was stuck. And then as if he knew exactly what was going on, James swiftly smiled and looked up at the waiter sweetly.

“I think we’ll both just have the sandwich with salmon and mozzarella. Oh, and two glasses of water too,” 

The waiter nodded and promptly hurried off with the order. Regulus just stared at James slightly dumbfounded. James must’ve mistaken that as a sign of dismay. Which yes, partly it was, because why was James so perfectly good at everything, including being all sweet and caring when he absolutely should not be any of those things at all? 

“Sorry, is the salmon okay with you? I just ordered what I’m having too, figuring that maybe you were a bit too overwhelmed to order, but I can totally run up and ask them to change it,” James said, a little too fast as if he was genuinely worried about upsetting Regulus at all. And it made Regulus so annoyed because how was it that the same James who had been insufferable and unrelenting and uncaring about Regulus getting mad at him during practice was the same James sitting in front of him now, worried that he might’ve gotten his order wrong.

With a dry mouth, Regulus shook his head as best as he could manage though the motion came out a little jerky.

“No i- the salmon’s fine I just-” Regulus muttered, sighing at how hard it was to just get any words out. “I just- I don’t want you to be doing all this James. Whatever it is.” Regulus said, feeling himself frown deeply.

James stared at him for a moment as if he was trying to figure something out. As if studying every feature of Regulus’ face would awake some epiphany. It didn’t seem like it helped him figure out much at all. In fact, it looked like he grew more and more confused with every second he looked at Regulus. Regulus just shifted uncomfortably in his seat, unsure of what to do under James’ intense stare.

When James finally spoke it was with a small shrug and a weak smile.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just having dinner.” He said.

Regulus frowned even more. He knew James was just being overly casual to try and get Regulus’ mind off of the fact that this was not very casual at all. The only reason they were here was because James had found Regulus in the middle of a fucking mental break and yet James wanted to say he was “just having dinner”. James wanted to take care of Regulus and then dared to act like that wasn’t what he was doing just to make Regulus feel better about it all. It was so caring, so sweet, so fucking annoying. 

They sat for a good while like that. James acted as casual as ever, pretending nothing at all was going on, while Regulus stared him down with an icy glare, trying to infiltrate his mind to figure out why he was there. Why he cared. What his motive was. Because there had to be a motive. There had to be a gain. There had to be some other reason James was here. Because, well… no one ever “just” cared for Regulus. 

When their sandwiches and water arrived Regulus stared down at his plate. His appetite still felt dulled after everything that had happened but at the same time, he could feel his stomach turning slightly with hunger. 

James didn’t push him. He just started eating, giving Regulus the space to breathe.  

Regulus decided in the end to eat and as soon as he bit into the sandwich he was happy he did because oh god that was good. When he looked up again he found James had paused for a moment just looking at him as he ate with a small smile. 

Regulus immediately scowled.

“What?” He said, though his voice was muffled by the food he was still chewing that he had seemed to have forgotten about in his annoyance with James. 

“Nothing,” James chuckled, looking away quickly, “Just happy you’re enjoying the food,” 

Regulus sent him a suspicious narrow-eyed glance, over the top of his sandwich but James only went right back to eating as if nothing had happened. 

After a few more bites, regulus broke the silence again. His mind had wandered back to when he had first realised it was James there with him during his panic attack and suddenly he felt an anger he couldn’t explain swell inside him again. 

“I didn’t need your help, you know.” 

James looked up at him, his mouth full, and had to take a moment to swallow before replying.

“I know,” He said simply, his tone light but serious as if he understood the weight behind Regulus' words. The need to establish a clear line between them. The need to establish his independence all over again to feel in control of the situation. “But I wanted to help.”

Regulus scowled.

“Well, you shouldn’t have. I’m not your responsibility.”

James just shrugged, the words seemingly bouncing right off his carefree facade as he took another bite of his sandwich. 

“Maybe not. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you on the ground, having a panic attack.” 

The words hit Regulus immediately and for some reason, they stung. They stung badly because his entire life Regulus had felt like people always inevitably left him. His entire life he had been taught that his mental health, and the mere fact that he never could seem to get control of it was his biggest flaw. That it was unlovable, ugly, and something that needed to be either ignored, toned down, or fixed on the spot. He was never taught to let himself accept his feelings and he was most definitely never taught that people would actually want to help him with any of his problems, quite the contrary. He was taught that no one should be helping him because that was just another way he was weak. Unable to fix his own messes by himself.

But here was James. Perfect, charming, James, the picture of everything Regulus could never be, and the one person he despised more than anyone at the moment. And somehow he was the person who was now telling Regulus that what he’d been taught was wrong. That he wanted to help him, that it was not only the right thing to do but the natural thing to do for someone to stay by Regulus’ side and it was horrible. Because why did it have to be him? 

Regulus knew that James probably had no idea this was the implication that lied in his words. He had no way of knowing Regulus’ backstory, knowing why these exact words were exactly what he didn’t want to hear from him, but still, the anger festered inside him. The bittersweet blatant acceptance from James was unacceptable to Regulus. 

Because it had to be fake. There had to be a motive. James had to be getting something out of this. Regulus didn’t believe him for one second. He didn’t trust James at all. And so the words hurt because he longed for them to be true. He wanted someone to just look at him and want to stay with him, just for him. But Regulus also felt like that was entirely impossible. He was unlovable and he would always be left behind once people had gotten what they wanted from him or gotten tired of waiting for it. 

Chapter Text

James held onto his sandwich as if was it some sort of lifeline that could save him from being pulled down under the tidal wave of emotions caused by the person sitting in front of him.

Regulus sat quietly eating his sandwich, seemingly completely unaware of the quiet but violent conflict happening right inside James’ head. With every single bite the other boy took, James could feel himself relax a bit more.

Because the very first thing James had noticed when he had found Regulus shaking and clearly in the middle of a panic attack was how pale he was. Pale and small. James had not been able to escape the thought of how much Regulus was like his older brother, still.

It wasn’t very often that Sirius got panic attacks anymore. When Remus had come along it had seemed calm him. As if he finally had an anchor during the storms that came. Something to ground him to reality whenever it seemed too far to reach. 

Still, James would never forget the days and nights when he would have to be the one to try and hold Sirius through the storms. When Sirius would shake and weep in his arms muttering the same incoherent pleas over and over again. Lots of “please” and “Don’t”’s as if Sirius saw something in the room with them that James didn’t. As if he was caught up in a terrible nightmare that James could only sit and wait for him to wake up from. 

It seemed like fate had not spared Regulus. He too had, much like Sirius before him, seemed caught up in his own nightmare. And it had broken James’ heart when it was not just a random plea that spilled from his lips but instead a desperate calling for his brother. Because suddenly it was so painfully clear that James was not at all the person Regulus hoped to wake from his nightmare to see. He would never be. And even he should’ve figured that much already. He had seen firsthand what the loss of their bond had done to Sirius so why wouldn’t Regulus be just as affected? Still, it was nothing short of completely heartbreaking to see, and hear , the proof of, so painfully clear.

James had wanted to fix it. Because he always wanted to fix the things that hurt. As was it some need that went even deeper than just wanting to be a kind person. 

James hadn’t been sure how to fix it though, or even how to make it better. Despite having held Sirius through several rough panic attacks, the aftermath had always been a rockier affair. 

Sirius almost always wanted to be alone afterward. And though James hated having to do that every time he still respected it. Because Sirius had made it very clear to him that it wasn’t something that could be argued with. James suspected the need to be alone came from the need to re-establish boundaries and the feeling of independence. Because Sirius had been taught by his family that his feelings were something weak , something ugly, to be hidden away from sight and so he always liked to gather and pick himself up alone. Perhaps to convince himself that he wasn’t weak. That he really could take care of himself. Or maybe just to deal with the inevitable shame that came along with having let himself be “weak” in front of someone. 

Regulus too had honestly seemed like he wanted James to go away more than anything but James had simply refused. A part of him just couldn’t go about leaving Regulus as weak, shaking, and visibly still upset as he was, in the middle of campus. He knew he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he did that. 

So stubbornly, and perhaps a bit selfishly, James stayed, knowing Regulus wouldn’t have the strength to push him away. And then he had scrambled for what to do next. Because he’d never really done this with Sirius and even then, despite their similarities, Regulus was not the same as Sirius, not at all. He might probably want and need different things entirely and James had no idea what. 

Desperately, he racked his brain for the perfect solution. What did people want to make themselves feel better? What would he even get if he was trying to make himself feel better?

Well, James knew that at least. That was easy. Food. Whether it was his mom and dad making him pancakes with chocolate chips, in the morning, after a night riddled with nightmares when he was little, or Remus trying hard to learn how to make James’ favorite dishes just like his mom made them whenever James still sometimes got a little homesick. Food had and would always be the way to James’ heart.

Now, he wasn’t at all sure that Regulus would share this trait, in fact, James was pretty sure he and Regulus shared next to no personality traits at all.

But still, it was pretty much all he had right then, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay staring at the lights in Regulus’ eyes dimming with every passing second. James could handle Regulus being annoyed, even angry, with him - in fact, James might even like it a bit too much. But this completely defeated lifeless look that was starting to surface in Regulus’ eyes, oh no, James didn’t like it at all.

And somehow - because honestly, James wasn’t sure how either - he managed to drag the both of them along to a café. 

And now they were sitting opposite of each other, each eating their sandwiches in silence. Regulus was eating too and that, that relaxed a considerable part of James’ brain because he didn’t look pale and scared anymore, now he just looked distracted and mildly annoyed.

 But James was still tense somehow. His nerves pulled taut. It simply wasn’t fair how James felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight of Regulus just sitting there.

He was taking careful bites as if he was trying hard not to be messy, his movements slow and calm. His eyes were a little puffy, and his cheeks and nose were still a little pink from crying. His hair was a slightly messed up in a way James hadn’t seen before. Neat, black curls falling into his face a little. James had the urge to just reach out and brush them back so he could see the entirety of his face properly.

When Regulus seemed to be finished eating, he set down the last of his sandwich and propped up his elbows on the table to rest his head in his hands as he turned to look toward the windows facing the street. James just stared, caught in a trance. Regulus looked… peaceful. Well, not entirely so. There was still the slightest furrow in his brow and something more complicated swirling deeper underneath the velvet surface of his eyes. But still, he looked much more content to just be than James had ever seen him.

And oh, calm was truly a beautiful emotion on Regulus Black.

Then James caught the tiniest shudder as it went through Regulus and in response he moved his hands a little closer to himself, though his steady watchful gaze out of the window never faltered.

James’ brows furrowed a little. 

“Are you cold?” He asked.

Regulus didn’t really react. He just gave a quiet hum and answered absentmindedly.

“A little.”

James blinked for a moment. He hadn’t expected an honest answer but as it registered in his mind that that was what he had gotten he promptly broke out into a small grin. Then without hesitation, he started removing his hoodie. 

The sound of James zipping up the hoodie seemed to finally snap Regulus out of his dazed state. When he looked to see what James was doing his brows wrinkled in slight confusion and he frowned. 

“What are you doing?” He asked, voice wary as he took in James’ grin.

“You said you were cold,” James stated with a casual shrug. 

Regulus narrowed his eyes ever so slightly at him. 

“Did I?” He asked, voice unreadable. And though James could see how hard he was trying to look indifferent there was also a very clear hint of confused curiosity hiding in his gaze. It seemed he really had zoned out completely before. So much so that he didn’t even recall answering James.

James just continued shrugging out of the hoodie as he nodded.

“Mhm”

Regulus stared at him a moment more, his eyes still just as sceptical. It was only when James had managed to rid himself of the shirt and placed it on the middle of the table with an expectant smile that Regulus spoke again.

“That still doesn’t answer my question, Potter. What are you doing?” He asked, glancing down at the shirt.

“I’m offering you my jumper,” James said with a calm shrug as if it didn’t mean that much to him in the end. It did mean a lot though. It meant so much. So much in fact that it had even James himself questioning what he was doing. Because, yeah, sure, Regulus was cold and he definitely didn’t want to see Regulus cold or uncomfortable - especially after everything else that had happened. Sure, he just wanted to extend a kind favour to Regulus. But there was also a part of James, a very strange part, that just wanted to see Regulus in that sweatshirt. In his shirt.

“No,” Regulus said cooly, and James really should’ve seen that one coming from a mile away. For some reason though he couldn’t help but frown a little at the blatant refusal, before questioning Regulus. 

“No?”

“No, I won’t wear your jumper,” Regulus said, his eyes going a little wide in emphasis. He said it like it was obvious. And maybe it was obvious why this shouldn’t be happening. Maybe it was obvious why James shouldn’t be offering Regulus his shirt just because he wanted to see it on him.

Still, James ignored that part. 

“Oh come on, You’re cold. Wear the shirt. I was getting a little too warm anyway.” James said. It was a lie. In fact, he had discovered as soon as he took it off that Regulus was right. It was quite chilly in the café without it. 

James could see Regulus about to refuse again and it just slipped out of him. 

“Come on Reg. Is it really so hard to believe that someone wants to do something nice for you?” 

It was cruel and James knew it. Because he knew of Regulus’ upbringing. He knew through Sirius that yes, that was hard for Regulus to believe even if it was heartbreakingly wrong. Of course, Regulus had no idea that James knew that. But James knew. And that should’ve been enough reason for him not to say it. But in all honesty, he just wanted so badly to see Regulus in that shirt and it felt like his sense of morality was failing him.

The change in Regulus was immediate. Instantly he averted his gaze, his eyes going wide and his mouth going a little slack in a way that really shouldn’t look so beautiful to James. Not when he knew the difficult emotions that caused it. 

“No, that’s not why I- No I-” Regulus stammered, clearly taken aback. And then he paused. He blinked once and then it happened. So fast that James would’ve missed it if he so much as blinked. Suddenly the wall came down again. Something hardened in Regulus’ expression right in front of James’ eyes. As if someone just wiped every emotion clean off of it, leaving it unreadable again. The only indication of anything was how tense Regulus was, his jaw set tight with clear annoyance. As if James hadn’t just asked him a playful question. As if he had just challenged him. And James knew that that was probably kind of what he did.

He knew what he said had hit a little harder than what he had initially gone for. He just wanted to stump Regulus long enough for him to agree to put that damn hoodie on. But he could see now that he had gotten too close to a wound. Regulus was curling up again and in on himself, desperately trying to protect what was his. What he didn’t want James in on. 

“Fine. Fine .” He muttered, not at all making it sound very fine. “I’ll wear the fucking jumper. Happy?”

James paused and just stared. Being asked about his emotions right then just wasn’t fair cause truly there were way too many to possibly choose one. 

He was very happy that Regulus was wearing the shirt. He almost couldn’t contain the downright giddy smile on his face as Regulus slipped it on. 

At the same time though he wasn’t happy with the reaction. He had told himself he could deal with Regulus being angry at him. And he could. But he always forgot how shitty it felt whenever the other shut down on him. Sometimes he almost wished Regulus would just yell and cuss at him just like Sirius did when he was mad. Because at least then he would have some emotion to go off from. Something to take in. But Regulus didn’t react like that. Instead, he shut down, not willing to let James see any of him, not even his anger. 

Lastly, though James just felt… confused. He felt so confused because truly he didn’t understand the emotion he felt when Regulus put that hoodie on. When the warm colors made his gray eyes stand in even starker contrast as if they were shining. When the neckline dipped a little and the sleeves fell down, over his hands. When Regulus frowned at James like he hated the mere sight of him, even as a faint blush was creeping up his neck. James didn’t know whether that was blush was the result of the anger or the pure embarrassment of having given in and wearing the shirt. 

He didn’t at all understand the emotion that seemed to bloom inside him and then explode as soon as Regulus looked up and looked him right in the eye. As soon as he got to look into those deep pits of grey again, dark like clouds right before a storm and yet so soft that James had the odd thought of wanting to just dive into the color itself. As if he could somehow soak himself in it. Get to feel it, be embraced by it. 

The emotion was somehow warm and fuzzy and sharp and scary at the same time and James didn’t know what to do with it. So he decided to push it away. He didn’t have time for strange feelings like that. He had things he needed to do. And getting caught up in emotions he would probably never understand anyway just wasn’t the way to go. 

James just stared, completely caught up in his feelings. 

“Stop staring at me,” Regulus muttered, tugging a little at the sleeves of the hoodie, looking more than a little uncomfortable. There was something so guarded in his tone. Likely because he didn’t trust James or the sudden kindness. It didn’t sit well with James.

James blinked a little, trying to recover.

“Sorry, I just… I just zoned out for a moment there,” James said looking away, trying to regain some of the casual energy he had managed to keep up so far.

Regulus only shot him another sceptical glance, clearly not buying the excuse.

“Well, stop whatever it was. It’s unnerving.” He said, deadpan, though there was a clear hint of color rising to his cheeks still.

“Yeah, sorry, I just…” James trailed off, not sure how to explain any of what was going on inside of him. He was still a bit dazed, the sight of Regulus in front of him bathed in the rusty red of the hoodie making his brain short-circuit for some odd reason.

Regulus, clearly very uncomfortable with the entire situation and the attention, tugged the sleeves further down over his hands like he was trying to hide. James wished he would stop doing that. It only made him feel more wobbly.

“You’re being weird,” Regulus muttered, eyes flicking away from James, with a hint of uncertainty and his mouth forming into a slightly petulant pout. “Is this some sort of joke to you?”

James’ brows immediately shot up as he looked at Regulus again.

“What? No, Regulus- Why would it be a joke?”

“Because it always is,” Regulus replied flatly, his voice too calm for James’ liking, as if he’d already decided long ago that James was just like everyone else who’d hurt him. “People don’t just do things like this without a reason. So what is it? Trying to feel better about yourself or something?”

James frowned, leaning forward in his seat, trying to be closer to Regulus, hoping that perhaps the decreased distance could somehow show Regulus that he wasn’t out to hurt him. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Regulus met his gaze, his eyes even sharper now.

“You know exactly what I mean. You’re you . I’m me . It’s pretty easy to figure out who’s the charity case in this equation.” 

“Charity case?” James repeated, genuinely confused. He felt like some of the air had just been punched right out of his gut. Was that really what Regulus thought this was? James doing all of this because he thought Regulus was some pitiful little thing? Because he felt like he had to? “Regulus, that’s not… I don’t see you as a charity case.”

Regulus scoffed though it was less biting than before. It sounded smaller. More… bitter, and hurt than anything.

“Right.”

James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to make Regulus see or understand that he was being serious. That if anything he didn’t even have the slightest idea why on earth he was doing all of this. 

“Look, I’m not doing this because I feel sorry for you, okay? I’m doing it because I…” He hesitated, the words tangling in his throat. Because why was he doing this? Why on earth was he really doing all of this?

And then suddenly before he even had the chance to stop it, because honesty had always been his biggest strength and weakness, it just blurted out of him.

“Because I thought it’d look good on you,”

Regulus froze, the bickering they’d been throwing back and forth immediately coming to an abrupt halt. Regulus just blinked, his eyes widening a tiny bit as if James had just spoken a foreign language. For a moment, it seemed he had been completely thrown off. Like he had no idea how to process that information. His cheeks flushed faintly and he looked down, avoiding the searching gaze of James, desperate for any reaction.

James immediately tried to backtrack, realizing that that had been a very rash answer and definitely not the right move if he wanted Regulus to be comfortable. 

“I mean, just i thought it would suit you. That’s all. You don’t look… ridiculous or anything. Just… you know. Good.”

Regulus’ expression softened for just a fraction of a second as if some part of him desperately wanted to believe James. As if some part of him could hear the honesty, could understand it and trust it. But then the walls came back up. His eyes narrowed, and his jaw tightened.

“I need to go.”

“What?” James said, blinking in surprise as he sat up straighter. “Go? Now?”

Regulus was already standing up, his chair sqeaking on the floor as he pushed it back hastily and grabbed for his bag. 

“Yeah. I’ve got things to do.”

“Like what?” James asked, frowning as he watched Regulus gather his things hurriedly.

“None of your business,” Regulus bit, avoiding his eyes. He looked flustered, nearly desperate to leave.

James didn’t understand. He didn’t understand what he had said to cause a reaction this extreme. He was quick to stand up as well, not at all content with letting Regulus just leave without another word. 

“Reg, wait, you can’t just leave, we-” James muttered as he stumbled after Regulus, who was already heading toward the door in fast strides.

“Oh, but I can.” Regulus didn’t even bother to stop walking, his voice laced with impatience. “I’m going home. This was a mistake anyway. “

“A mistake?” James echoed. “What are you- Regulus, wait!”

Regulus didn’t answer. Instead, he picked up his pace and practically charged down the pavement like he was to outrun everything. 

James was not having it. In turn, he quickened his own steps to match Regulus’ and continued calling out after him. 

“Regulus, slow down! I’m not just letting you leave like this.”

Regulus spun around to face James, his eyes flashing with unbridled irritation, barely a few paces ahead now. His expression was sharp, and there was something else hiding there underneath the surface - something even darker and rawer than James had ever seen. 

“Why are you following me?” He demanded, voice tight and strained with the effort of trying not to cause a complete scene outside on the street. “Go back to where you came from. To whatever perfect life you have, James. I don’t need a babysitter,”

James hesitated for half a second but when he met Regulus’ gaze it was unwavering. 

“I’m following you home,” James said, now with a touch of firmness. Because he couldn’t just leave Regulus again. Not today. Not after what he had said. Not with Regulus still being in a fragile state. “You’re not going back alone. Not today- I can’t just-”

“You’re what ?” Regulus interrupted him sharply, his eyes widening. And James could see it clear as day, the sharpness giving way to an incredulous disbelief. 

“No.” He said. “Absolutely not. I don’t need you trailing after me like some lost puppy. Go back to the rink or whatever just-”

“I’m not leaving you.” James cut him off, his tone more serious than it had ever really been. “I know you don’t want my help, but I can’t just… leave you on your own. You had a panic attack, Regulus. You can’t just run off and pretend everything’s fine.”

Regulus’ fists clenched where his arms hung by his sides as a bitter laugh escaped his lips.

“I’ve been running off and pretending everything’s fine my whole life, James. Don’t act like you know anything about me.”

James flinched because that was so wrong. It was so wrong how Regulus thought that that was truly the best solution for him. How easily he could admit that he’d been hiding his entire life. How that didn’t even register as something remotely wrong for him. But James stood his ground, his expression only softening a little.

“Maybe I don’t,” He admitted quietly. Because Regulus was right. James could pretend he knew all about him all he wanted. He could pretend that all the things Sirius had told him would be enough to understand the person in front of him but the truth was they never would. He would never be able to understand unless Regulus would let him. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you go home alone.”

For a long moment, Regulus stared at James as if trying to find a crack in the facade of his resolve. But it wasn’t a facade. James wasn’t backing off. 

And as soon as Regulus realised that his breath hitched only the tiniest bit. And right then, James saw it, in the split second that it happened. He saw the exhaustion behind the anger and the vulnerability carefully hidden underneath all the insults and the barbed words. 

James saw for that split second, Sirius having run away from home. 

He saw Regulus right before collapsing on the ice during a performance. 

He saw a tired, fractured boy and he wanted desperately to reach out. To grasp for that person, reach them, embrace them. He wanted to fix it. Fix it. Fix it. 

And just like that Regulus just… deflated. His shoulders sagged a little and his guards lowered just enough for the weariness to seep through his strong facade. His eyes, usually so cold and sharp, softened just a bit, giving way to the tiniest hint of something deeply bittersweet hiding there. 

“Fine,” Regulus muttered, his voice not louder than just above a whisper. “Do what you want. I’m too tired to argue.”

James didn’t know whether to celebrate or deflate himself. His heart ached at the tired resolution in Regulus’ vice but he didn’t push it further. He knew when to stop. Instead, he nodded, falling into step beside Regulus as they began walking. 

The silence between them hung strangely heavy and yet… not entirely unwelcome. Because James felt that maybe just maybe he had managed to crack and chip away just a tiny bit at Regulus’ harsh defense. 

And that would have to be enough for now. 

The walk back was nothing but quiet at first, the awkwardness of everything that had happened really settling in between them. The streets were mostly empty and quiet, save for the occasional sound of the wind rustling in the trees or the distant barking of a dog. Almost as if the world had decided just to leave the two of them in peace for a moment. Regulus walked slightly ahead, his head down as he looked to the ground, and strands of curly hair sometimes being pulled from where they lay on his head by small gusts of wind. He was still clearly tense, though James couldn’t quite tell if that was because of him or because of something else. Maybe both. 

James shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to find something to say. Regulus wasn’t exactly the easiest to talk to especially not after everything that had happened that day. But the silence was beginning to feel too heavy and James wanted, needed , to break it. 

“So do you go for walks around campus often?” James asked, desperately trying to say something. Anything to lighten the mood.

Regulus didn’t turn even as he replied.

“No. Not very often honestly… why?”

“Just curious,” James replied, shrugging even if Regulus couldn’t see him. “It just seemed…”

“Seemed what?” Regulus asked, his voice guarded, though there was a hint of genuine curiosity behind it.

James hesitated.

“I don’t know… out of place for you, I guess? I mean, you don’t exactly strike me as the ‘spend time sitting outside on a bench listening to the birds chirping’ type.”

Regulus turned back a little only to send James a sidelong glance, his expression inscrutable.

“And what type do I strike you as then?”

James scratched the back of his head, trying to come up with something that wouldn’t offend him too much.

“I don’t know… dark library corners? Or plotting world domination in some fancy study?”

That comment earned him a small, almost imperceptible smirk from Regulus, though he quickly schooled his expression back into neutrality.

“Not far off.”

James laughed softly, falling into step beside Regulus, feeling just a bit more at ease. He was honestly a little surprised that Regulus hadn’t shut him down completely again, though he wasn’t going to waste the opportunity now that he had it.

“Alright, your turn. What ‘type’ do I strike you as?”

Regulus rolled his eyes before answering with a huff.

“Brash, overconfident, attention-seeking.”

“Spot on,” James said, flashing a grin. “Though you did forget ‘ridiculously charming and handsome’”

Regulus let out a small snort, and it was probably the closest thing to an actual laugh that James had ever heard from him.

“Yeah, no, I don’t think I forgot anything”

James’ grin only widened. There was something so oddly satisfying about making Regulus react. Even if said reaction was just a small, reluctant show of amusement. It made the tension that lay between feel just a little less daunting. James cherished it so much that he made a mental note to save the memory in his mind.

“Okay, okay. Fair enough.” James chuckled.

Regulus didn’t say anything immediately after. His gaze was fixed straight ahead. His expression turned pondering again, his brows furrowing as another thought seemed to cross his mind. James could see the tension creeping back into his posture, his shoulders stiffening all over again.

“You’re not going to ask?” Regulus finally said, his voice much quieter now, more measured.

James frowned, confused.

“Ask what?”

“Why I…” Regulus trailed off as a flicker of frustration crossed his features. “Why I was in that… state earlier.”

James blinked for a moment, and then he shook his head.

“No.” He answered truthfully. He wanted to ask. Of course, he did. He had always been way too curious for his own good. But he also knew when there were lines not to be crossed. “Not unless you want to tell me.”

Regulus seemed slightly taken aback by that, his steps faltering for a short moment. He glanced over at James, suspicion clear in his gaze.

“Why not?” He asked, and when James sent him a confused glance he sighed and elaborated. “Everyone else would.”

“Because it’s your business,” James said, his tone genuine. “If you want to talk about it, I’m all ears. But if you don’t, I understand that too.”

Regulus fell into quiet contemplation again, not saying anything for a long moment, his expression unreadable to James no matter how hard he tried to get even a glimpse into the head of the boy beside him. It seemed that he was weighing James’ words, perhaps to test them for truth. Finally, he muttered,

“You’re so strange.”

James chuckled softly at that.

“Yeah. I probably am.”

And then the conversation lapsed into silence again, though this time it did feel a little different. Less strained. More natural. 

James walked alongside Regulus, their steps echoing along the empty streets. He wanted to give him his space but still be close enough to show that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

The afternoon started to feel as if it was growing colder as they neared Regulus’ neighbourhood, the streets even quieter, more isolated. James recognized the neighbourhood. Recognized it from when he would follow Sirius home back when they were just teenagers and he couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable the further along they got.

After a few minutes, James spoke up again, feeling the need to say something more, though he kept his tone softer this time around.

“You know… I’m not entirely what people say I am either.”

Regulus glanced at him, his eyebrow-raising a little.

“And what do people say you are?”

James shrugged, suddenly feeling like he was oddly vulnerable. 

“Loud. Reckless. Too much of an idiot to care about anyone else but myself.”

Regulus was silent for a moment, his brows furrowing a little as he glanced over at James with a wondering gaze. When he spoke again his voice was carefully neutral.

“You are loud.”

James couldn’t help but laugh though there was a slight edge to it.

“Yeah, well… maybe I’ve got more layers than just that.”

Regulus didn’t respond to that. Though he didn’t push James away either. There was something almost… contemplative in his expression, though it was still hard for James to tell.

“You know…” Regulus started suddenly, breaking the silence. When James looked up at him he looked almost frustrated, as if he was fighting an inner battle just to get the words out. “You didn’t have to do all of this… for me today I mean. You didn’t have to follow me home.

“Didn’t I?” James asked, his voice soft. “I didn’t want to leave you alone, Regulus.” 

That seemed to strike a nerve because almost instantly Regulus shot him a sharp glare.

“I told you I don’t need a babysitter.”

James held up his hands in surrender, wanting to de-escalate the situation immediately before Regulus shut down on him completely again.

“I know, I know. Just… after what happened. I didn’t feel right leaving. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable you know, I’m just…” James hesitated, unsure if he really should say what he was thinking. He could never seem to figure out the right things to say when it came to Regulus. It felt like he was constantly walking the line between what would please Regulus and what would lead to him shutting James out and it was so frustrating. “I’m just worried.

Regulus’ features pinched into a slightly frustrated grimace at that, his face turned back to the street but his pace slowed a little. 

After a little hesitation, Regulus finally spoke.

“Don’t worry about me. I don’t need your worry.” He said, a little quietly.

James frowned. Because how could Regulus not see that it was impossible not to worry about him? Did he really want James to not care about him at all? Did he not think he deserved that worry? That care?

“You had a panic attack, Regulus. Of course I worry.” James said, as a sort of statement to try and explain his thoughts to Regulus. This only seemed to dismay Regulus even more though as he frowned.

“Well, I’m telling you now to stop.” He muttered, shifting a little, looking very uncomfortable. “I can handle myself just fine.”

James frowned too at that, matching Regulus’ dismayed expression. 

“Look, Regulus…” He said with a sigh after a moment of trying to gather his thoughts. “If you think I worry because I… I pity you or I think you’re weak for what happened then I’m telling you now, that’s not it.” He said, desperately trying to reach Regulus with his words. Practically extending all his energy and all his care to the other.

But Regulus didn’t respond. He turned his gaze even further away from James. So James continued.

“Regulus, you do know that… everybody breaks sometimes… and that’s fine.”

James watched as Regulus shook his head a little.

“Not me,” He muttered, so quietly that James almost didn’t catch it. But when the words registered he felt his heart clench painfully. Regulus said it like he was so sure of it. As if he wasn’t just trying to convince himself of it, but like he believed it. And that was so so wrong to James.

He did realise though that Regulus wasn’t willing to talk about this more. Prying wouldn’t get him anywhere. No matter how much he wanted to. So instead he decided to just switch topics, taking some of the weight off Regulus for a moment. 

“You know I’m not really great at this. Talking about these things, I mean. I guess I’ve always been better at just laughing it off, making a joke, lightening the mood, or whatever.”

That earned him a brief glance from Regulus, one eyebrow raised in sceptical amusement. 

“Sounds about right.”

James smiled faintly, relieved to see at least a flicker of the old Regulus returning, even for just a second. Because part of him really liked snarky, sarcastic Regulus. At least that Regulus still had so much life in him, a spark of energy. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the other Regulus per se. He just didn’t like seeing him so devoid of any emotion. Truly just… looking empty. Resolute in his quiet misery that James could never seem to reach.

“Yeah, well, it’s a work in progress. You’re not exactly an open book either, though.” James commented with a little smile, carefully nudging Regulus just a little.

“People tend to leave me alone if I’m not,” Regulus said quietly, as if it was just to himself.

James wanted to ask more questions. He wanted to pry. To understand. But something told him to leave it alone for now. He had heard things from Sirius of course but that was years ago. He couldn’t be sure of what Regulus’ home life was actually like, but if the way he’d reacted earlier was anything to go by, it wasn’t entirely good. And that thought made James’ stomach twist in ways he didn’t quite understand. 

They turned a corner, and suddenly, they were just one street away from where Regulus lived. James knew because he recognized the big oppressive, looming houses from years ago. He knew though that none of them compared to the monstrosity at the end of the street. Grimmauld place as they called it. Back in his childhood, all the neighbourhood kids thought it was haunted. James thought it was haunted too, before he met Sirius. 

And maybe it was. Haunted. He knew of course that no ghosts resided there, now that he was older. But still, he couldn’t help but think that it was haunted. Haunted by the trauma that had been caused there. Haunted by the all too living tragedy that resided there. 

James could feel his stomach dropping, an old unease settling in just thinking about it. 

“I’ve got it from here,” Regulus said, suddenly turning to James, stopping them in their tracks sharply, his voice tense.

James looked at him, frowning.

“What? No, I’ll walk you over to your door-”

“No.” Regulus’ voice was firm, a strange sense of panic seeping into the words. “You’re not coming any closer.”

James opened his mouth to argue again, but just one look at Regulus’ expression stopped him dead in his tracks. There was a raw, almost desperate fear in his eyes. As if the idea of James coming all the way over to his house, of him seeing what was waiting for Regulus behind that front door, was too much to bear.

“Reg…” James started, softer this time, “I’m not gonna-”

“I said no .” Regulus’ voice was sharp, but the crack in it was unmistakable. Quickly he averted his gaze and pressed his lips into a thin line before muttering. “And stop calling me that. I told you I don’t like it.”

James stood there, frozen for a second, as he just blinked. Honestly, he hadn’t even noticed the nickname slipping out of his mouth so comfortably. Belatedly he realised he had been calling Regulus by it several times during the afternoon. He just hadn’t noticed because Regulus hadn’t said anything about it. And now that James realised he was rebuking that privilege James felt like they had taken three steps forward and five back again. 

He could only watch the way Regulus’ fingers clenched into fists at his sides, his posture rigid with tension. He could feel the walls between them, coming down all over again, and now standing much higher than before.

“Fine,” James sighed quietly, taking a small step back, even though every instinct screamed at him to follow Regulus to that house. “But… I’ll wait here until I’m sure you’re inside. Just to make sure.”

“Do what you want,” Regulus muttered tiredly before nodding once, almost imperceptibly, and turning around to walk down the street to the house James knew loomed just down the street out of sight. 

James stood there, watching as Regulus disappeared down the street and behind the corner. He didn’t move before Regulus had already been out of sight for several minutes and even then, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Something in him wouldn’t let him. 

He waited a bit longer. Minutes passed. His feet felt anchored to the pavement beneath him, right in the spot where he stood and the cold air of the beginning evening brushed against his skin, prickling at the back of his neck, now that he didn’t have his hoodie anymore. 

He wasn’t sure why, but there was a gnawing, clenching feeling in his chest that just wouldn’t go away. He kept thinking of Regulus’ face. Replaying the memory of seeing that panic in his eyes, and hearing how he’d refused to let James get even a little close, over and over again. 

And still, he couldn’t make himself leave. He needed to check. 

Before he could even really register what he was doing, he found himself walking toward the house, his feet carrying him as if he were possessed, making sure to keep to the shadows as he got closer. 

He recognized the old place. It had always given him the creeps. Big and imposing, like a fortress. Dark brick walls towering over the street. And even though the sun was setting right behind the house casting it in a golden glow, it still looked cold and dark. As if some force was keeping any light from actually reaching it. Everything about it just screamed cold and unwelcoming. A place where nothing good could grow. 

His eyes wandered up the building, almost unconsciously, to the second-floor window. He knew Sirius’ old room was on the left, but instead, his gaze wandered to the window on the right. 

And there he was. Regulus stood at the window, with his side to the glass, fixing his hair in what James presumed must be a mirror. His expression was unreadable, especially from the distance James stood at, but even from where he was he could see the emptiness in Regulus’ gaze. The slow drag of his movements. As if he’d shut himself off completely. 

From this distance, Regulus looked small inside the vast dark emptiness of the house. 

James watched for a long moment, with a sinking feeling settling and twisting in his chest. Something in him wanted to just run up there. To pull Regulus out of that house and take him somewhere, anywhere else. But Regulus didn’t want saving. Not now. Maybe not ever.

James clenched his fists, forcing himself to turn away at last. He knew it wasn’t his place. Not yet. 

So he left, heart heavy and with a thousand questions swirling in his mind. None of them with any answers.

Practice with the team the next morning was… well, it went shit. Not even James could deny that. He couldn’t focus for the life of him. He told himself it was just life lately. Everything was tense back at the apartment with Sirius seeming to be going through the five stages of grief all at the same time somehow and Remus stressed, trying to hold everything together. He told himself it was just that. It had to be that. Though the constant flashes of grey eyes and black curls in the back of his mind told him otherwise. 

“Potter, actually what the fuck is up with you?” Dorcas said as she skated over to him, pulling off her helmet as soon as their practice game had ended, with their team losing horribly, partly due to James’ shitty playing. Although Barty definitely had helped as he seemed to play even sloppier than usual, perhaps in an attempt to piss off an already annoyed Dorcas even more. 

“Sorry, just… bad morning I guess,” James muttered, shaking his head a little to clear his mind and going for a small smile. 

Dorcas' sneer immediately softened at that. Dorcas had always been strange like that. James had never been able to quite figure her out. Usually, she was just snarky and downright mean. It helped on the court of course, as it was always good to have one player that would never hesitate to be brutal. Though Dorcas wasn’t just mean, he had discovered throughout his time practicing with her. She just seemed that way. Actually, sometimes, she could be kind of… sweet.

She was very perceptive. Good at noticing when to leave people alone or diverge attention away from them. So though she might not be the one to offer any kind words she still showed her camaraderie through small subtle acts of care. 

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, Potter,” She said, looking him in the eyes just so he could see the sincerity in them before she eventually frowned again, losing the caring tone as fast as it came. “But if I lose one more time because of you, I will rip your fucking balls off and feed them to you,” She said and James couldn’t help but chuckle because she did sound like that was exactly what she was going to do. 

James didn’t want to test that theory. He had to get his shit together. 

“Yeah, James, what was that?” Barty commented as he came up beside him, smacking him roughly on the shoulder. “Thinking about anyone in particular?” He said, wiggling his eyebrows teasingly. James knew he was just joking though he really wished Barty wouldn’t have said anything because that was exactly the last thing he needed to think more about at the moment. 

Barty didn’t get to say much more though before he was checked sharply in the side with a hockey stick.

“Don’t think I’m not mad at you too, crouch!” 

Barty clasped a hand to his side, bending over at the force of the hit he had just taken but somehow still managed to let out a mocking laugh, though it was a little winded. 

“Oh, so we’re on last name basis now. You wound me, Meadowes.” He mocked only to earn himself a smack to the back of the head as well from the fuming girl standing above him. James felt himself back off a little, not wanting to be caught in one of their fights.

“Fuck you, Barty! Play better next round or I will personally strangle you to death.”

“Oooh choking. Didn’t know you were kinky like that Meadowes,” 

Dorcas scowled then and lifted her hand to smack Barty again though he only laughed and managed to run off. Dorcas was quick to skate after him, yelling insults so morbidly creative that it was honestly a little impressive. 

James knew that as captain he should probably run after them to stop the fight. The thing was just, This was his moment to slip out for a moment without him noticing. This was his chance, and Barty and Dorcas always figured it out somehow anyway.

So without another word he skated further back and out off the ice. As soon as he had his skates off, he went for the locker rooms to retrieve the water bottle he’d left there. 

When he opened the door however he wasn’t prepared to be met with Regulus clearly having just taken a shower and changed out. His hair was wet, curling a little at the ends already, where water droplets clung to the strands. His cheeks were a little flushed, probably from the warmth of the showers and he looked entirely too soft for James to even process it.

James paused, only a few steps into the locker room and just stared, a little caught off guard. He had had no idea that Regulus was still around. He knew that he had practice before him that day but he had thought he’d already be gone when they arrived. Apparently though, Regulus had just been in the locker room.

Regulus stared back at James, seeming just as caught off guard. 

“Oh, Regulus, hi, I-” James started, intending to start up a conversation because admittedly, he had been itching all evening yesterday and all morning too just to talk to Regulus. To see him after yesterday. James’ greeting seemed to snap Regulus out of his daze though. He blinked two times and then his face fell into stoic folds again, only a slight hint of frustration creeping through. 

“Sorry, James. Haven’t got the time,” He muttered, cutting James off, and practically charging forward past him. 

James blinked, in confusion, not understanding the hurried reaction. 

He heard the turning of the doorknob behind him, then the sound of two people clashing and a frustrated Regulus snarking out a,

“For fucks sake,” 

James was still caught up in his daze, confused. It was only when a familiar voice sounded out behind him that he snapped out of it.

“James, mate! There you are!” 

James turned around immediately and at the sight of the blonde smiley boy in front of him, he couldn’t help but flash a grin as well.

“Peter!” He said, practically rushing forward to embrace his friend in a bone crushing hug. 

Peter chuckled beneath him but tapped on his shoulder after only a few moments, begging to be released from the tight grip. 

“I didn’t know you’d be home yet!” James said, with a chuckle, as he looked down at his friend. “I thought it was on Monday,” 

Peter chuckled too, clearly just as happy to see James, before offering him a sheepish smile and rubbing at the back of his neck.

“Well it was supposed to be Monday, but uh, Sybill got pretty sick so I decided to head home a little earlier with her,” 

James frowned at that. 

“Oh shit, she alright?”

“Oh, yeah she’s fine,” Peter said, waving a hand to James to fend off his worry, “Just a pretty severe case of food poisoning the doctors said,”

James nodded a little before smiling all over again. 

Peter, had been his best friend since diapers. Their families had been friends since high school, and though they only really spoke to his mom now, since his dad decided to leave and move to France after a pretty nasty divorce, James and Peter’s friendship was still the same. 

He hadn’t been able to see him for the last two months since he and his girlfriend, Sybill, got the chance to take a study trip, with the rest of the botany majors to Brazil, so the sight of him was welcome. Especially after the hectic last few weeks, he’d had. 

“Well, shit,” James exclaimed, not even knowing where to start his excitement, taking over. “I’ve got ten minutes left of break, so uh, tell me about your trip, mate,” 

Peter smiled and then immediately went into a long rant about the trip and Sybill and all the cool plants they saw there. And though James didn’t have the slightest idea of any of the things he was talking about he was still just happy to listen and take in the clear glee of his friend. 

As Peter rambled on about the trip, James found himself laughing at all the ridiculous stories, though his mind still annoyingly kept tugging at the sight of Regulus storming off moments earlier. He tried to just focus on Peter’s excitement, to lose himself in the conversation, but the image of Regulus’ stumped reaction, when he saw him, lingered like an annoying itch he couldn’t scratch.

Peter, just as chipper as James had always known him to be was animatedly gesturing with his hands as he described every single exotic plant they came across and how Sybill had nearly fallen into a river while trying to photograph a particularly rare flower.

“And that’s when the guide freaked out and told her it was poisenous - like, deadly if it touched her skin. He was exaggerating, of course, in reality, it only gives you a pretty nasty rash but Sybill of course forgot that in her panic,”  Peter chuckled, shaking his head. “You should’ve seen her face, mate”

James laughed, though he could only half keep up with the conversation at this point. He hadn’t realized how much he needed this. Just to talk to Peter, someone uninvolved, someone unchanged, and let his guard down for a bit. But of course, the peace could only last so long. 

“So,” Peter said suddenly, pulling James from his thoughts. “Who was the moody fella? Looked like he was about ready to rip someone’s head off.”

James immediately felt his stomach drop.

“Uh, who?”

Peter raised an eyebrow.

“The guy who charged past you when I walked in. Pouty and black-haired? You two friends or something?”

James hesitated, suddenly feeling uncomfortably warm in his hockey gear. He hadn’t exactly planned on discussing Regulus with Peter, in fact, he had kind of hoped that Peter could just be the one person to stay out of it. Of course, though, that was wishful thinking. Even if he didn’t tell Peter now, he’d eventually connect the dots when he went to see Remus and Sirius.

“Oh, him?” James forced a chuckle. “No, not really. Just… someone I know.”

Peter squinted at James, not seeming entirely convinced. 

“Weird, because you know he reminded me so much of um… well he just looked like…”

James already knew what was coming and inwardly cursed.

“Like who?”

“Like Sirius!” Peter said, snapping his fingers as if he’d just solved a puzzle. “That’s who he looked like. Only with shorter hair and a little bitchier somehow, if that’s even possible.”

The words hit James like a punch straight to his gut. He tried to keep his expression neutral, but it was like all the tension from the last few weeks just came crashing right back into him. The silence that followed felt heavy, almost unbearable, and Peter did not miss it.

He shot James a curious look, clearly waiting for some kind of response.

“Seriously, mate, what’s going on with you?...” Peter said, his eyes going a little softer around the edges, more concerned. He got that from his mother. Such a kind woman always gifting James and his family homemade honey, whenever she wasn’t fussing over Peter. “You’ve been on edge ever since I got here.”

James swallowed hard, debating whether or not to say anything. He didn’t want to drag Peter into the complicated mess that was the situation he found himself in, and he definitely didn’t want to open up the wound that came with mentioning Sirius’ estranged relationship with his brother. But for some reason, the words just slipped out before he could stop them. Peter was just looking at him with so much friendly kindness and care and James just couldn’t contain the madness inside any longer.

“He’s… Sirius’ brother.”

Peter’s eyes widened a little, as he opened his mouth once, clearly confused. It took him a moment to speak and when he did it was only a question, as he was still clearly stumped.

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah,” James muttered, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, not knowing how to go about all of this. “That was Regulus. Sirius’ little brother.”

For a moment, Peter just looked genuinely confused. He wrinkled his nose a little as he fell into contemplative silence. As if he was trying to recall a long-forgotten memory. 

“Sirius has a brother? Wait, hold on-” He paused, frowning as something finally clicked, “As in that brother? The one he hasn’t talked to in, like, years?”

James nodded, his stomach twisting.

“Yup. That one.”

Peter blinked, clearly trying to just wrap his head around all of it. 

“Bloody hell… I almost didn’t remember he had a brother. He never talks about him.”

“Yeah, well… There’s a reason for that,” James mumbled, rubbing at his face. He felt the entire weight of the situation settling on his shoulders again. He didn’t like talking about it, didn’t like thinking too much about the fractured relationship between the two brothers. He had set out to change it, to fix it. But he realised now that he couldn’t even bring himself to think about how fucked up it all was. He didn’t even really understand what happened between them. Sirius was already refusing to talk about Regulus entirely before he had gotten to explain everything to James. It had seemed to James like Regulus was the one who ghosted Sirius. Cut off contact with him.

But now that he’d met Regulus he felt like he understood nothing again. Clearly Regulus missed Sirius too. He didn’t seem like someone who willingly left their brother behind. He seemed like he had no one. So why would he leave the one person he did have once behind as if they were nothing? 

James couldn’t make sense of it and it was honestly starting to frustrate him so much it was starting to just fester inside him. 

It was all just so painful, and frankly, none of his business. He knew it was none of his business. And yet he just couldn’t make himself not intervene. With Regulus suddenly showing up at the rink, it was just becoming impossible to avoid.

Peter frowned, looking concerned now.

“So… what’s the deal? Why’s he hanging around the rink? Around you?”

James let out a breath, feeling his frustration rise. 

“It’s… shit, Pete, It’s complicated.”

Peter’s brow furrowed but he didn’t push. He knew James well enough to understand when not to press too hard.

“Right. Complicated. Got it.”

They sat on the bench in the locker room for a moment more, the discomfort of the topic just hanging in the air. Peter glanced around a little, as if unsure of what to say next.

“So… how are you handling it? Him being here, I mean?”

James shrugged, though the movement felt entirely too forced. 

“I don’t know, really. It’s weird. He’s nothing like Sirius, but at the same time… he’s so much like him it’s uncanny. And just… every time I see him I can’t help but think about it. About what happened between them.”

Peter caught his bottom lip between his teeth, biting on it softly as he listened.

“And…” Peter started, clearly trying to be careful about whatever he was going to say. “Does Sirius know?”

James sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, he knows.” 

Peter took in a quiet but sharp inhale and James understood it. They all knew that his family was a sensitive topic. Having any of them this close to him was bound to set him off. 

“And how’d he… handle that?” Peter asked, clearly a little anxious.

James chuckled, though there was no humour in it. It was all just exhaustion. Exhaustion with everything just being so fucking complicated.

“Not very well, honestly… but he’s… well, he’s dealing with it for now. He has Remus too. He’ll be fine eventually just…”

“Just not right now,” Peter finished his sentence and James nodded, with a wry smile.

“Yeah… not right now.”

Peter just looked at James for a moment before sighing and giving him a friendly pat on the shoulder. 

“Well, look, mate, I don’t know the full story, but I know you. You’ll figure it out. Just… make sure to take care of yourself, alright? I know how you get when things get messy.”

James chuckled, though it was half-hearted. 

“Yeah, I’ll try.”

Peter smiled giving him another clap on the shoulder.

“And if you ever need to talk, or just a distraction, you know where to find me. I’m always up for a pint.”

James gave him a grateful smile.

“Thanks, Pete.” He said as both of them stood up. And then he remembered the implications of everything he had just told Peter, and what he had seen. “Just- Listen… You can’t tell anyone about this, alright? Not a word. Not a word to Sirius about me talking to his little brother. Not a word to Regulus about Sirius, he doesn’t know he’s here.”

Peter raised an eyebrow, clearly still a little confused but still nodded. 

“My lips are sealed. But you know Sirius is going to lose it if he ever finds out you’re even talking to his brother.”

James winced. He knew how right Peter was though he had been trying to ignore that thought for weeks now. 

“Yeah, well… Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. And… just… thanks for listening,”

“Of course,” Peter said, giving James a firm nod and a small smile, “I’ll always listen to you, mate.”

James glanced at the clock above the door and sighed. 

“I’ve got to get back to practice, but I’ll catch up with you later. Maybe we can grab a drink or something.”

“Sounds good,” Peter said with a grin. “Take care, mate. And seriously, if shit hits the fan or if you just need to talk, you know where I am.”

James nodded, feeling a strange sense of relief, even if his thoughts were still a tangled mess. 

Practice after that went fine. He managed to pull himself together just enough to not get murdered by Dorcas, though he did earn himself about twenty different threats still, a new one coming his way every time he missed a pass or a shot. 

When they finally finished, he admittedly, was itching to just leave. He was too exhausted to talk to any more people, so he hastily said goodbye to his teammates and headed off the ice, intending to leave as soon as possible.

He stopped however when he saw his mother waiting for him, with a kind but undeniably worried smile, in the stands.

“Hey, Putt,” She said as he headed over to sit beside her, immediately leaning his head on her shoulder. She only chuckled quietly and reached up to softly stroke the top of his hair. James closed his eyes and tried to just Savour the peaceful feeling of his mother’s hands and the smell of her soft flowery perfume hitting his nostrils when he breathed in.

“Tired?” She asked, softly right beside his ear.

James couldn’t even really muster a reply, so instead he just hummed and nodded weakly.

She chuckled again and then fell silent for a small moment, as she just continued stroking his hair. 

When she spoke again, her tone was even softer, careful.

“Anything you want to talk about?” She asked and at first, James just hummed ‘no’, tiredly. Then her tone started registering in his mind and he realised that wasn’t just the “You look like you could need to talk about something” tone, no, that was the “I already know something is up and I’m worried” tone. 

And so, slowly, James lifted up just to look at his mom. She was still smiling at him, just looking into his eyes kindly. The worry was clear though. Euphemia Potter had never been good at hiding her worry, just like James wasn’t either.

“What is it, ma?” James asked, just as carefully. 

She considered him for a moment, clearly considering her words, before taking his hand to clasp it in hers and run comforting circles up the side of his palm with her thumb. 

“You’re stressing about something, James,” She said softly and suddenly James had the urge to look away. Because why was it that his parents, especially his mom, always had to be so good at reading him?

“Really, It’s nothing,” James muttered, looking away and clearing his throat a little. “Just Sirius, and Remus and you know everything at the apartment… it’s a lot.” He said because that was the truth. That was what he was stressed about. That was what he was supposed to be stressed about. 

“Not Regulus?” She asked and it came so out of left field for James that immediately his head whipped back up to look at her, his brows furrowing. 

She looked just as calm as before though, her smile kind and somehow knowing. But how was she supposed to know anything? How was she supposed to know that he was stressing about Regulus when he hadn’t even admitted that to himself yet?

“No, I- why do you think I’m stressing about Regulus? Because of Sirius and him?” James stumbled through his words trying to figure out why she was suddenly asking him this. 

She smiled a little again as if somehow she could see something he didn’t.

“Maybe,” She shrugged, “Is that why you’re stressing about him? Because he’s Sirius’ little brother? Because of their relationship?” 

James narrowed his eyes. The questions were simple, almost leading in nature, but somehow he felt like this was a test and he wasn’t sure what the right answer was.

“I mean… well, yeah, sure.” He said, trying to shrug as easily as she had just done. He wasn’t sure if he managed it, however.

She smiled again and tilted her head slightly.

“Alright then… Just…” She said, hesitating again as if trying to figure out how to go about saying whatever she was going for. “Be careful. You’ve always been so easily caught up in all your… feelings.”

James furrowed his brows even more, suddenly feeling like she was making some point that was just going way over his head.

“Ma… What do you mean?” James asked, desperately trying to understand.

His mother only shook her head though and leaned in to kiss the top of his head.

“I don’t know, James. They’re your feelings, not mine. I’m afraid you’ll have to figure that out yourself.”

James frowned.

“I don’t think I understand what you’re trying to say here,”

She chuckled softly then, before speaking, her tone nothing but affectionate.

“Then maybe you’re not meant to understand just yet.” She said, before giving him a pat on the shoulder. “I’m just telling you to be aware of the things going on inside you. Don’t let it sneak up on you,” 

James could only keep frowning as he looked at her, cause truthfully he didn’t understand the point she was getting at. Feelings sneaking up on him? Well, he supposed he might have been getting a little overwhelmed lately, but he didn’t think he’d describe that as his feelings sneaking up on him necessarily. It’s not like he didn’t see the mess coming, he just chose to walk blindly into the storm. And secondly, he really didn’t understand what her emphasis on Regulus was supposed to mean. 

But maybe she was right. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to understand just yet.

James was just so impatient, that he wished he could just skip ahead to the part where it was the time.

Before he could get further caught up in his thoughts though, his mom was already standing up in front of him, extending her arm with a sweet smile.

“Come on, let’s get you back to the apartment. Then I’ll make you and the boys a nice meal, hm?”

And that offer, James definitely wasn’t going to refuse. 

So he decided to put his thoughts and worries aside for the time being. Until the time he was supposed to understand. 

Chapter Text

Regulus was sure he had to be going absolutely insane.

Letting James follow him home had to have been one of the stupidest decisions he had ever let himself make. James had without a doubt gotten way too close that afternoon. Way too close to everything Regulus had made it a principle to keep hidden. James had waltzed right in and seen Regulus in his weakest state. He had followed him and gotten way too close to the one thing Regulus didn’t want anyone to see. His family, his home, the broken mold he’d been born from. His mother’s sharp glare and his father’s cold indifference. Regulus didn’t want anyone, and especially not warm, bubbly James, to cast one look at him and his family and realise he was exactly like them.

Because in reality that was the one thing Regulus would always be running from. It was complicated, so complicated, and quite honestly Regulus didn’t even understand it himself.

Part of Regulus hated his family. He hated the way they acted and the things they stood for. He despised them for ruining every little happy thing he’d ever had, for tainting every joyful memory, for driving away the one person who had ever understood him; his brother. 

But then on the other side, his parents were all he had. Hell, Regulus wasn’t even sure who he was without his parents. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to act like, what he was supposed to do if it wasn’t to be according to his family’s wishes. Undeniably, he’d found a way to find comfort in his family life. He had found a sense of control in the loneliness and the suffering he experienced at the hands of his parents. Because he knew that. He knew those feelings and he knew how to deal with them. And still, as comfortable as it was, there was nothing he was more ashamed of. He was ashamed of the fact that he stayed. He kept his head down and swallowed his hatred of the life he had to live and he loved his parents. He kept loving them despite everything. Because they were his parents in the end and he wasn’t sure how to not love them. He had been taught to love them. Or maybe love was a bad word for it. Respect was more like it. He had been taught to respect them, though they had given plenty of reason not to, seeing as they had never once respected him. 

He knew it was cowardly and weak, yet he wasn’t sure how to change it. He wasn’t sure he even had the energy to try to change it. 

James had gotten too close to all of that and Regulus hated him for it. He hated how he had this way of tiring him out until he gave up and lowered his guards just enough to let him in a little more. Regulus had to stop that. He couldn’t be doing that. He could lose everything he’d protected. He risked all the ugly truths he hid, getting exposed. 

He could simply not risk that.

So he hardened up once again. He gathered up all the strength he had left in him and made a promise to himself that James Potter would stay out . Out of his life. Out of his feelings. Out of his head. 

But the latter was much easier said than done. 

The thought of James itself seemed somehow an unstoppable force. Regulus’ mind seemed utterly insistent on replaying every conversation the two of them had ever had, every time he had a single moment of quiet. 

All his mind seemed to want to stay stuck on lately was James . 

James and the way his stupid, carefree smile looked underneath dim streetlights. James and how his dimples showed even when he was just pursing his lips in dismay. James and how his presence had somehow made the weight on Regulus’ shoulders feel a little lighter for a while. James, James, James .

That was why when James walked into that locker room, Regulus just froze completely. 

His hockey gear gleamed red and gold and served as nothing but a glaring reminder of everything that made James who he was - bold, loud, and truly confident in all the ways Regulus hated to admit were as flattering as they were insufferable. His chest protector emphasized his broad shoulders, and the pads on his legs were still strapped tight around what was clearly muscle underneath. The only things missing were his gloves, helmet, and skates, all of which he must’ve put aside for the break. 

His hair was tousled, sticking up in odd places and a few strands sticking to his forehead. His glasses were slightly askew and his tan skin glistened underneath the yellow fluorescent lights of the locker room, as sweat shined along his jawline and neck. His jersey clung to him, red and gold, the colors bright and annoying to Regulus.

Regulus’ brain had seemed just to stop working entirely for a moment. Of course, Regulus had thought bitterly, he somehow looks even better in person than in my mind. 

And just like it had done every single time it happened that James managed to surprise him once again, it made him angry. Furious, even.

The effect James had on him angered him unendingly. 

Regulus’ chest had tightened, the air suddenly feeling far too thick to breathe in. He hated this. Hated the way just one look from James could make him feel so… off-balance. And the worst part was that it wasn’t even intentional on James’ part. It was just James being James . James just existing in the world without a care for how much space he took up. Without realising just how much space he was beginning to take up in Regulus’ head. 

The anger took up his entire being quickly, hot and sharp. He hated the control James seemed to have over him with just a single look, with just his existence. He hated the way his heart sped up without his permission, the way his thoughts scattered and twisted to revolve around the ever-so-clear image of that stupid, disarming smile. 

So he stormed out. He stormed right out of that locker room with clenched fists and gritted teeth. 

He wouldn’t let this happen. Wouldn’t let James have that power over him. Not again. Not ever again. 

Pandora had decided to post up in a cafe the next time they met, with a light rain deciding to pour over the city that day. To Regulus’ relief, they had managed to find one that wasn’t too busy, providing at least some peace in the environment though, not even that helped soothe his mind completely. 

They were posted up in a spot by the window, the little sunlight that managed to peak out from the clouds outside filtering in through the glass panes. Regulus tapped his fingers against the mug before him, eyes narrowed, his irritation visible. He tried his best to focus on the dotted pattern on the porcelain of the mug, hoping that maybe that would lessen some of the frustration. It didn’t really. But it couldn’t hurt to try. Pandora, opposite of him, however, was the picture of serenity, sipping her tea as a small smile danced on her lips.

“He’s so infuriating,” Regulus said, his tone sharp, with pent-up frustrations. He had tried to forbid himself entirely from thinking about James the last few days. He didn’t have practice with Euphemia and James till next Tuesday, and so surely James should be nothing to him at all, now that he had a few more days away from him. he should be. But still, the thoughts of James always managed to sneak in, right through his determined defenses, never letting up no matter how hard he beat himself up about it.

He had tried to keep James out, and he had not succeeded at all. And so now he was failing once again, letting the conversation drift right back to the topic he was so adamantly trying to steer away from, the feelings having festered so much, that he threatened to explode right then and there if he didn’t get them out somehow. 

“Mhm,” Pandora hummed in response, a vague acknowledgment that only seemed to fuel Regulus’ frustration further. 

“I mean honestly ,” He continued, gesturing wildly as he spoke, “He acts like the entire fucking world revolves around him.”

“Sure,” Pandora muttered, eyes on him but that faint, knowing smile still in place. 

“It’s as if he feels entitled to my time. As if I owe him something. Like I’m obligated to like him, just because he’s not constantly an arsehole.”

“Right,” Pandora agreed, nodding thoughtfully, though the way she dragged out the word made it clear that she was only half listening to his angry rant. 

“And he-” Regulus started, about to continue with another addition to the list of why James fucking sucked, but as he noticed her smirking at him, not even bothering to hide it anymore, Regulus paused mid-rant. He scowled at her, eyes narrowing suspiciously. “ What ?”

“Nothing.” Pandora sing-songed though her smile immediately widened as she fought back a laugh.

“No. You’re smiling too much,” Regulus pressed, not falling for Pandora’s poor act, “What’s so funny?”

Pandora raised her brows, her voice amused.

“Am I not allowed to smile now?”

“Not like that.” Regulus waved her off, “What is it?”

Pandora sighed dramatically, putting her mug down and leaning back in her chair with crossed arms as she smiled back at him smugly.

“You’re just… very passionate about this James guy is all.”

“... Passionate?” Regulus blinked, caught off guard by that specific word. “That’s not- what? No. No, I’m not.”

Pandora’s grin was nearly sympathetic now like she was dealing with a particularly stubborn child. 

“Regulus… you’ve been talking about him for the past forty-five minutes, and yet you can’t stop mentioning how little he matters to you.”

“Well… that’s… he doesn’t matter to me,” Regulus insisted, though the slight crack in his voice told another story. “That’s right.”

“Is it, though?” Pandora asked, her eyes glinting in the lights above them like a cat who just found a wounded bird right in front of it. 

Regulus stared at her for a moment, floundering. 

“Well… what else would it be?”

Pandora tilted her head thoughtfully a few times as if considering her words, or maybe she was just considering which way she could put it that would make Regulus the least annoyed.

“You ever wonder if maybe all this frustration is fueled by something else too?”

Regulus frowned, clearly confused.

“Something else?”

“Yeah, like… another emotion?” Pandora’s tone was teasing, but there was an undertone of sincerity in her words.

Regulus’ only stared at her just as confused. He wasn’t sure what she was trying to hint at. All he felt was frustration and anger and hatred swimming through what seemed like a fucking ocean of tan skin and irritating red and gold everywhere and he was so tired of it. He had no idea what other feeling he was supposed to feel, or supposed to recognize in the sea of feelings he was kneedeep in currently. 

Pandora, sensing that Regulus wasn’t following, let out a huff, somewhere between exasperation and amusement.

“Okay, then,” She said, her grin widening again, “Explain to me how he looks.” She said, throwing her hand out a bit as if she was giving him a stage to speak on.

“How he looks?” Regulus repeated, skeptical. “Does that pertain to anything we just talked about, like, at all?”

“Yeah,” Pandora urged, nodding her head in a gesture for him to go on. “Just explain it. Trust me on this.”

Regulus eyed her warily, but ultimately after a beat of silence, he sighed and gave in. Curse his soft spot for Pandora and her stupidly contagious smile.

“Okay… fine. He…” Regulus hesitated trying to let in the image of James after having actively refused it for so long, “He has dark brown hair. Like, almost curly but not really.”

“Mhm,” Pandora hummed, watching him intently.

“And he’s kind of tall. And… he has glasses. Round ones. Which honestly is annoying because, normally, people look ridiculous with round glasses but somehow he doesn’t.”

Pandora’s lips twitched slightly, clearly amused.

“Okay… go on.”

Regulus rolled his eyes but complied.

“He… smiles a lot, I guess.”

“And he has a nice smile?” Pandora asked, her smile broadening.

Regulus faltered for a second, not having expected the question.

“Well… yeah… I guess it’s pretty nice.” He said, grimacing slightly at already having offered James too many compliments in a row. Somehow it felt wrong and annoying. He could just picture James’ shit-eating grin if he could hear it. Of course, he couldn’t. But the thought still annoyed Regulus. “It’s not… bad.”

Pandora nodded encouragingly.

“Alright, and?”

“And… he has tan skin. Big eyebrows, but not too big. And he always smells like soap.”

Pandora quirked a brow, clearly intrigued by that answer.

“He smells like soap?”

“Yeah,” Regulus said, suddenly feeling a little defensive of the small detail, oddly enough. “Something citrusy”

Pandora’s smile softened slightly, her eyes still thoughtful as she processed what he was saying. Regulus took it as a sign to keep going or maybe he just couldn’t stand the silence.

“I noticed because, you know, usually sports guys smell horrible. Like sweat and grimy locker rooms. But he always smells clean. Like… citrus soap.”

Pandora’s grin shifted into something a little more understanding, almost fond as she gazed at him.

“Regulus…”

“What?” Regulus asked, growing slightly anxious with her sudden change in tone.

Pandora chuckled, shaking her head slightly.

“You like him.”

That in itself felt like a punch. It felt like Pandora had reached right and smacked all the air right out of him, but she hadn’t she was still just sitting there with her all too amused smile, staring at him. Regulus’ head spun as he sputtered, still trying to recover from having been caught so off guard by only those three words. that one word. 

“I- what– Pandora, what- ” He stopped himself, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing as he scent a sharp glare her way. “No. I absolutely do not.”

Pandora raised a sceptical brow but continued with her teasing, clearly unaffected by Regulus’ dismay and confusion.

“But you clearly think he’s handsome.”

Regulus opened his mouth to deny it, but no words came out. Horrifyingly, he hesitated, feeling the weight of her statement. Feeling the weight settling on his chest as he realised he couldn’t actually deny that.

Pandora leaned back in her chair, watching him with an amused smile.

“So I’m right? You think he’s handsome?”

Regulus groaned and closed his eyes as he rubbed at his temples. This was definitely not where he had wanted this conversation to go. He hadn’t even seen it rearing into this from a mile away, but he could also see clear as day in Pandora’s eyes that he wasn’t getting out of this. She was excited over having discovered something new and now she was set on digging till she reached the root.

“No… well… yes … maybe. I mean, he’s not ugly.” Regulus admitted though very reluctantly, his voice so low he wasnøt even sure if she could still hear him. “But I can think he’s handsome and still hate him.”

Pandora tilted her head, as she shrugged, though the feigned casualness was not very convincing at all. 

“Sure you can…” she said dragging out the words in a way that told Regulus that she didn’t really mean that.

Regulus just narrowed his eyes at her.

“But…?”

Pandora tilted her head, feigning confusion, though her eyes revealed the playfulness that still lurked beneath the surface.

“But?”

Regulus just huffed. He would be amused with her ‘playing dumb’ act if the topic she was playing dumb about wasn’t whatever this was.

"Pandora, I can tell you’ve got a ‘but’ coming. Out with it.”

Pandora giggled, clearly enjoying this far too much.

“Fine, fine. It’s just… I think maybe some of this hatred for him seems a little… misplaced.”

“Misplaced?”

“Yeah. Like… maybe you’re using some of it to hide that you… like him.”

Regulus fixed her with another sharp glare.

“I just told you. I don’t like him.”

Pandora held up her hands in mock surrender as she rolled her eyes.

“Okay, okay. Then maybe you’re using it to hide the fact that you want to shag him.”

Regulus froze in his seat, every limb going still, his face heating up instantly.

“What- Pandora! I don’t-” He stammered, but the words just wouldn’t form. The truth hit him all at once, and the realisation was nothing short of horrifying. He couldn’t deny it. Not really. so maybe… he did want to-

No.

He stopped that thought in its tracks as fast as it had come, disgust twisting his expression. That simply couldn’t be. That didn’t feel allowed. Regulus wouldn’t allow it. He had never felt anything like this - or maybe he just hadn’t allowed himself to feel it - and feeling it now, for James Fucking Potter of all people, was horrifying. 

Pandora watched him, her expression softening with a touch of understanding, but the amusement never fully left her eyes. She leaned in a little closer, her voice gentler now.

“It’s okay to admit that, you know.”

But Regulus just shook his head, feeling utterly defeated and disgusted with himself. He wanted to take a shower. Wanted to rub at his skin, maybe just tear it right off. Anything really just to rid himself of the ugly, dirty feeling all over him. 

He sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair and rubbing across his face, clearly conflicted.

No, Pandora, I- no.”

Pandora tilted her head, her smile slowly wilting.

“No?”

“No,” Regulus repeated, his frustration bubbling up again. Only this time he had no idea who he was more frustrated with; James for having gotten in his head like this or himself for having let it happen right under his nose like some naive idiot.

“I… I can’t admit that.”

Pandora leaned forward even further, her brows furrowing slightly.

“Why not?”

Regulus glanced away, feeling all too vulnerable, too exposed.

“Because it’s wrong. ”

Pandora arched a brow.

“Wanting to shag him?”

Regulus shot her an annoyed glance at her phrasing.

“Yes… that. It’s wrong.”

Pandora’s expression softened slightly at that.

“Why?” She asked gently, “Because he’s a boy?”

Regulus hesitated, his eyes narrowing in conflict. Because he didn’t know. He had no idea what made it so inherently wrong to him. His upbringing? The fact that he’d been taught love and want were weaknesses meant to be tucked away as were they shameful sins? The fact that James was a boy, and though his family had never discussed the topic of same-sex relationships anywhere he could hear at least, their affinity for traditional values and disgust for anything even slightly out of the life they had already set for him, told him they wouldn’t be open to the idea. That ? 

Or maybe it was his longing for love mixed with the complete aversion and fear of it. The fact that he saw himself as so unlovable that wanting someone else, wanting them to somehow see him as something lovable, in any sense, felt like something impossible, something he shouldn’t dare want. Maybe none of that. Maybe all of it. Regulus hadn’t the slightest clue.

“I…” He trailed off, his hands gripping the edge of the table. “I don’t know… It’s just… I’m not supposed to feel this.

Pandora didn’t even blink, she just stared as a slight frown tugged at her lips.

“You’re not supposed to want someone?”

Regulus blinked, his thoughts swirling all about. He couldn’t understand how Pandora could be so casual about it. The idea of wanting anyone, and especially wanting James - James Potter - was more than just confusing to Regulus. It was terrifying.

The air between them grew heavier with Regulus still not able to answer the question. Pandora’s gaze never wavered as she spoke again, her tone careful but oddly comforting.

“Regulus… you’re allowed to have feelings for people… no matter what those feelings or who these people are .” 

The sentiment was nice, really nice, and Regulus wanted to take it in, really believe it, take it with him, put it into use. But he couldn’t. he had no idea how. And he wasn’t ready for the unwanted consequences that letting himself want anyone - want James - would bring.

He looked at her, unsure. His throat felt tight as if admitting anything now would shatter something inside him he wasn’t ready to face. 

He didn’t respond, his mind too tangled to form any coherent words.

Pandora’s eyes softened further as she saw the turmoil in his expression, and her gaze turned almost sad at the corners.

“You know that, don’t you?”

Regulus did. He did know that. He just actively chose to ignore it, to fight it. Because even if he knew, logically, of course, he had the free will to love, to want, to desire, some part of him still screamed at him You are incapable. You are a failure. You’re weak any time he even let so much as the thought cross his mind. 

He didn’t how to answer her, didn’t even know if he believed her.

And with Regulus still not saying a word, the conversation lapsed into silence and Pandora just blinked slowly, deflating a little as she must realise that Regulus wasn’t ready to hear those words. Wasn’t ready to listen. Regulus shifted uncomfortably, trying to swallow the weight of his own emotions. All of the guilt and shame, so he could neatly tuck it away and never let it see the light of day ever again. 

Then, out of nowhere, Pandora’s face just lit up, her expression shifting dramatically as if a bright idea had struck her. 

“You know what?” She said suddenly.

Regulus stared at her, slightly startled, trying to bring himself out of his inner turmoil as he took in Pandora’s suddenly determined smile.

“What?”

Pandora grinned.

“Let’s go out tonight!”

Regulus frowned in confusion.

“Go out?”

“Yeah!” Pandora said, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “like to a bar. I know a pretty good one close by.”

Regulus stared at her, still processing what she was suggesting.

“A bar?” He repeated, still hesitant.

Pandora leaned forward, her smile growing wider than ever before.

“You have been to a bar before, right?”

Regulus just looked at her, saying nothing. Apparently, his silence was enough of an answer for her because Pandora’s eyes immediately widened in disbelief.

“Wait… you haven’t ?” Her voice was full of surprise. “You’ve never been out? To a bar or a club or anything?”

Regulus just shook his head slightly, feeling awkward under her curious gaze.

“Oh, well, then we definitely have to go!” Pandora said, clapping her hands together in delight. “We can invite Evan too!”

“I don’t know, Pandora…” Regulus mumbled, his hesitation clear. Pandora pouted, dramatically.

“Oh, come on! It’ll be a blast!”

Regulus still felt highly uncertain, shifting in his seat. He had never been one for drinking or crowds, but Pandora’s was infectious as always.

Pandora’s voice softened, turning teasing as she added,

“Going out is also a damn good solution to get someone off your mind for a moment… if you get what I’m saying…”

Regulus opened his mouth to argue, to refuse, but the words died on his tongue. He sighed, knowing full well he couldn’t say no to Pandora when she was this excited about something.

In the end, he just nodded reluctantly.

“... Fine.”

Pandora practically squealed with joy at that, clapping her hands together once again, loudly enough this time that it earned them some surprised glances and dirty looks from the other patrons around.

“Yay!!” She exclaimed, grinning ear to ear. Regulus just shook his head, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips despite himself. Pandora always had a way of making everything seem lighter. Even the thoughts that weighed him down.

Sitting at home Regulus suddenly regretted saying yes to Pandora. Well, he really should’ve seen that coming. Of course, he’d regret it. But then again he also knew that there was no universe where he would’ve been able to say no to Pandora. She just had this infuriating - yet oddly sweet - way of making everything sound like it was a much better idea than it actually was. and then there was her smile, that lovely, beautiful smile. Really, how was anyone supposed to say no to that?

So now Regulus was sitting in his bed, surrounded by the grey barren walls of his room, just staring at his phone, at a loss for what to do. 

He contemplated whether he could come up with an excuse to avoid going to that stupid bar tonight. But the more he thought about it, the more he doubted that Pandora would ever buy whatever meekly reason he could manage to muster. Still, maybe he could say he wasn’t feeling well or that something else came up. She couldn’t really argue with that could she? And no matter how excited she was, it wasn’t like she would force him out if he really didn’t want to.

His fingers hovered over his screen, as he pondered what he should do. But before he could decide on anything, his phone buzzed and Pandora’s name flashed across the screen.

Regulus felt his brows furrow. Pandora had never called him before so that alone made him hesitate. What could be so urgent that she felt the need to call him? Had she somehow felt his hesitation, or called that he was probably going to figure out some excuse. Some way to weasel himself out of the agreement. 

Still, no matter his doubts, he couldn’t help but feel a strange comfort seeing her grinning face staring back at him as he answered the video call.

“Hey Pandora,” Regulus greeted her, and her smile widened even more.

“Hi, Regulus! Glad you picked up!” Pandora beamed at him, sounding like she was nearly yelling into her own phone, her bright energy practically pouring right through the screen. 

“Of course. What’s up?” Regulus asked, already feeling slightly suspicious about the impromptu call.

“Well,” Pandora said, her tone turning a little playful, “I just called to see what you’re wearing tonight,”

Regulus blinked, confused.

“What I’m wearing? Does that matter?”

Pandora’s grin widened, and she giggled lightly at him, as if he’d said something funny. Regulus didn’t think he had. 

“Course it does!” She confirmed still grinning, before inclining her head towards the screen, “Just show me!”

With a slightly exasperated sigh, Regulus rolled his eyes but complied nonetheless, pointing the camera at the clothes he was wearing. He was dressed in a pair of jeans he rarely wore as really he spent most his time either at home - and his mother hated jeans and anything casual, forcing him to wear something unnecessarily dressy whenever he’d be at home -  or at practice in his practice clothing and saw no particular need to dress up. Paired with that, he wore the same black long-sleeve he practically lived in. Not very creative, sure, but Regulus had never cared much for clothing anyway, beyond forcing himself to look “presentable” at all times. He liked this outfit though. It was casual, and put together, but in no way did it stand out. Regulus didn’t like standing out very much. If he could he’d much prefer to always just blend into the background. 

Maybe that’s what you get when your whole childhood you’ve been shown off and pushed into the limelight by your parents. 

He glanced back at the screen to see Pandora’s reaction and immediately noticed her face scrunching up ever so slightly.

“What?” Regulus asked, already suspecting the response that was coming.

“It’s just…” Pandora trailed off, her lips pressing into a thin line as she very clearly tried to be as nice about his choice of clothing as possible.

“It’s just what?” Regulus asked, with an amused sigh. Somehow watching Pandora try to hold back her clear distaste for his outfit was more funny than it was offensive. 

“Well, It’s not very… fun, is it?”

Regulus raised an amused brow.

“It’s what I always wear.” 

“Exactly,” Pandora replied with a small sigh and a laugh. “You always wear that. And we’re going out tonight.”

“So my normal clothes aren’t cool enough for going out, is that what you’re saying?” Regulus teased. 

Pandora only sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes.

“It’s not that they’re not cool enough, Regulus. It’s just… well…” She hesitated, clearly struggling with her words. In the end, it seemed she just gave up and went for an entirely different approach. “You know what? Here.”

Regulus felt his phone buzzing again, and when he looked at the notification at the top of the screen, he saw a message from Pandora.

“What’s that?” He asked, one eyebrow raised.

“My address,” Pandora said easily. “Come over. We’ll figure something out.”

“And what if I want to wear this?” Regulus challenged, his voice taking on a teasing tilt.

“Oh fuck off, you unwilling git,” Pandora groaned in exasperation. “At least come over and then we can look at it. If you hate my idea, you can always refuse. You’re awfully good at refusing things.”

Regulus couldn’t help but smile at that.

“Yeah, and you’re good at refusing my refusals,”

Pandora’s smile only grew brighter then, as she teased him back.

“Yeah, well, someone has to be, right? Otherwise, you’d never have any fun.”

Regulus let out a huff in feigned offence.

“Pandora Rosier, Are you calling me boring? Is that really what I just heard?”

Pandora giggled on the other end of the line and Regulus had to fight to keep down his smile and maintain his shocked expression.

“Well, if the shoe fights,” She shrugged and Regulus couldn’t help but let out an amused huff of air.

“Pandora, I swear to god, when I come over there, I am going to-” Regulus started, a playful threat already on its way but Pandora was faster, already waxing happily at her screen as she cut him off.

“Sure, sure, see you in, like, an hour!” She smiled and just when Regulsu was about to retort he was promptly hung up on.

He stared at his phone for a moment, amused disbelief bubbling inside him. 

“She’s impossible,” He huffed to himself with a chuckle before shaking his head a little. 

So he was going. That was it. 

Then there was only one more obstacle in his way.

His parents. 

Well, mostly his mother. Regulus sometimes was sure his father couldn’t even see him half the time. Unless he’d done something very right or very wrong, his father would never really look at him. He’d discuss Regulus with Walburga all the time, and he’d talk him up to investors when the time called for it, but he never really talked to Regulus. Never really seemed to notice his existence beyond his achievements or mistakes. So, Regulus was pretty sure his father wouldn’t notice him sneaking out for a night. In fact he could probably be gone for a week without his father noticing.

His mother, however, was a whole other thing. Walburga had always liked the hover, though she did it with an annoyed scowl as if she hated nothing more than being in the presence of her own son for more than a few seconds. And yet she always did it, when he wasn’t in his room or out practising. 

Sometimes Regulus wondered how someone could be so absent from his life and yet so close up in his personal space all the time. Truly, it would be impressive if it wasn’t so annoying. 

Regulus hoped that maybe she’d be sleeping early today. Sometimes she did that. She suffered from headaches every once in a while. She said it was “from all the stress” though Regulus really wasn’t sure what all the “stress” was. Maybe it was just thinking about how inadequate he was all the time. Sometimes though, he couldn’t help but think that the headaches must be at least partly caused by that pinched expression she was always wearing. Surely looking so uptight all the time couldn’t be good. 

Walking past her room he tried to be quiet, just in case she was in there sleeping, though, if she was he probably didn’t have to be so quiet. She always took a good load of pills before she did. apparently, she suffered from insomnia. Another symptom of “all the stress”. Regulus wondered, if it was so awful and stressful being like she was, then why didn’t she just try being a little nicer sometimes? Maybe a smile would do her good. He never voiced that though. No. God , that would be a disaster. 

He was on the last step of the stairs, with the door within eyesight of him, just down the hall, when a voice called out to him.

“Where are you going?” His mother’s tone was just as monotone as it always was, but after a whole life of dealing with it, Regulus had learned to pick out some of the little nuances in it. This time, there was no mistaking it. She was clearly suspicious. Regulus immediately straightened up and turned to the right to see his mother in her armchair by the window in the living room, watching him intensely from the open doorway.

“I thought I’d go to the rink, to get some extra practice in,” Regulus said, the lie coming surprisingly easily to him. Maybe because the words themselves were some he had said many times before. So they didn’t feel quite as foreign. 

He thought the lie was pretty believable, but even then Walburga still stared at him for a few seconds more, putting the book she was reading down in her lap and narrowing her eyes at him.

“In jeans? And without a bag?”

Regulus down at himself immediately and nearly sighed at himself for being such an idiot. He had to come up with something quick. Very quick. Because if he hesitated then his mom would sniff out the lie in seconds.

“I left a change of practice clothing at the rink last time.”

She narrowed her eyes even but nodded at him again.

“Why didn’t you inform Leonard? How were you going to get there?”

Again, Regulus had to stop and consider how in the world he could’ve been naive enough to leave this many holes in his story. Still, he was running purely on adrenaline now, and seeing as he had already lied so far, there really was no point in going back.

“I thought I’d walk. The weather’s pretty nice,”

Walbuega glanced out of the window beside her then, and lucky for Regulus, it really was rather wonderful weather. Though it was certainly already colder than it had been the previous weeks, the sun was still shining from a clear sky, and the trees had yet to start wilting away. 

Walburga paused for a long moment then. She stared at Regulus for so long that he was sure she had figured him out. In the end, though, he watched as her shoulders fell just the tiniest bit, just a little bit of the tension seeping out of them.

“Fine, I suppose that is all reasonable enough,” she said though her gaze on him was still slightly suspicious. 

Regulus nearly let out a relieved sigh before realising that was probably a bad idea to do while she was still watching. 

“But,” His mother said suddenly and Regulus looked her in the eyes again. “I’m not letting you walk and risk you getting sick if somehow it starts raining. I’ll call Leonard right this second. He’ll be here in five minutes and then you can go, alright?”

Regulus hesitates because, shit, he was supposed to go to Pandora’s house unnoticed. Having Len drive him there would pretty much expose him. And though Len had never been against him in any way, Regulus still couldn’t be sure that he really could be trusted. He liked Len. But liking someone didn’t mean they couldn’t betray you. 

“ Alright ?” His mother asked again when Regulus did not respond and immediately Regulus snapped out of his daze.

“Yeah, sure, fine.” He stammered a little hurried.

His mother raised an eyebrow at him but did not inquire further. She just waved a dismissive hand at him to indicate that the conversation was over. 

Regulus smiled as politely as he could at her before moving down the last step and heading out of the door to wait for Len.

The situation was not ideal, but maybe there was still hope. It wasn’t like he had much choice anyway. If he refused his mother's wish for him to be driven then she’d only get suspicious and probably either refuse for him to go or insist that she accompany him just to make sure he isn’t doing something to “waste his time”.

Sure enough, it only took a couple of minutes before Len pulled up in the driveway with the black Escalade. Regulus spotted him through the front window, and Len, upon seeing him, gave a short nod of acknowledgment, with that same easy smile tugging at his lips. Regulus tried to smile back the best he could, but he was pretty sure it ended up a rather tightlipped, nerves bubbling underneath the surface of his skin. 

“Hey kid,” Len greeted as Regulus slid into the passenger seat. This was admittedly a little unusual for him, as he would normally sit in the back, where there was space, where it felt safer, but he felt that now he needed to gauge Len’s reaction. He needed to see whether or not he could trust him with this. If Len paid any notice to Regulus not sitting in his usual seat, he paid it no mind. Instead, he just turned to Regulus, still with a small smile playing on his lips. 

“So where are we headed? The rink?” Len asked, casually.

Regulus hesitated, just staring at Len. He hoped that maybe if he just looked long enough, he might somehow just magically know whether or not he could trust Len. Could he really go through with this? Could he take the risk? 

Len who must’ve sensed the silence stretching, turned his head to look him in the eye. Upon seeing Regulus’ troubled expression, and when he spoke, his tone was much more careful, more measured.

“The park?” Len asked, raising one worried eyebrow.

Regulus swallowed, his throat feeling uncomfortably tight. He hated having to trust people. He hated this feeling of uncertainty, of I don’t know. Because it was always so much safer not trusting anyone. That way, you’d never be let down. You wouldn’t have to deal with the risk of being disappointed, of being hurt. But the fact was just that, Regulus did trust Len. Len had been there his entire life. He had been this quiet, steady presence staying just outside of the chaotic nature of his home life, staying just on the outside when it felt like everyone was turning their backs on Regulus. And Len had never turned his back on him. He wasn’t overly familiar or pushy. He wasn’t completely indifferent either. He was just… Len . The family chauffeur. Reliable. Consistent.

“No,” Regulus said, his voice coming out quieter than he had wanted it to, his whole body feeling tense as he swallowed hard, praying he wasn’t making a mistake. 

“No?” Len questioned, drumming his fingers absentmindedly against the steering wheel as he continued looking at Regulus, his brow still raised in curiosity and slight worry. “Then where’d you wanna go?”

“I-“ Regulus started, though the words seemed to get caught in his throat almost immediately. Why did this have to be so difficult? Eventually, Regulus took a deep breath and tried again, cautiously. “Actually, can you - uh - could you take me to a… a friend’s house maybe?”

For a moment, Len just stared at him, a little wide-eyed in a way that would be almost comical if Regulus wasn’t damn near shitting his pants. Regulus couldn’t blame the older man for this reaction. He had never really had any actual friends. When he was younger he hadn’t been allowed the time for that. He’d never been allowed to go for playdates without his mother accompanying him, he hadn’t been allowed to go to the park alone, and even if he could, he had never really learned how to make friends. But after only a short second or two, Len’s face broke into a wide grin.

“Course I can, kid. What’s the address?”

Regulus felt himself let out a small breath of relief, before pulling out his phone and showing Len the address Pandora had sent him. Len typed it into the GPS with a few quick taps, still smiling to himself as he pulled off the curb.

For a few moments, it was quiet. Regulus didn’t mind it. It was a pretty nice kind of quiet. It was broken however by Len when he spoke again suddenly.

“So this friend … is it that girl from the park?”

Regulus looked out the window, unable to suppress the small smile that tugged at his lips.

“Yes. Her name’s Pandora.”

Len let out a low thoughtful hum beside him, as if he was thinking it over.

“That’s a pretty name,” he said, his tone shifting to something a little more mischievous as he added, “ She was pretty too,”

Regulus raised an eyebrow at him, not really understanding why that specific detail was important. 

“Yeah, I suppose she is,” Regulus hummed, turning to look at Len again. Len only shot him another strangely playful grin that Regulus wasn’t sure how to interpret.

“So are you two…?”

“Are we what?” Regulus asked, thoroughly confused at this point.

Len only chuckled, before following up.

“Well, do you fancy the girl?”

Regulus’ face immediately flushed in sudden embarrassment at the implication of that.

“I- no! No, no no, that’s not what- she’s just a friend!”

Len kept laughing, shaking his head a little. 

“Alright, alright, don’t worry. I got it. Just a friend.”

Regulus shifted uncomfortably in his seat, the leather squeaking quietly beneath him.

“I- do I… do I look like I fancy her?”

Len glanced over at him.

“The girl? Well, no, not necessarily. But it looks like she makes you happy. You smile when you talk about her. So I just thought maybe…”

Regulus blinked.

“You think she makes me happy?”

Len tilted his head, thoughtfully.

“Don’t she?”

“I… I don’t know.” Regulus admitted, his voice quiet again, unsure.

Len paused for a moment before speaking again, his voice taking on a slightly softer quality.

“You don’t know if she makes you happy? Does she make you un happy?”

“No I just- it’s more…” Regulus sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration at never seeming to be able to find the right words to explain his thoughts. “I’m not sure I… know what happy is supposed to feel like.”

There was a long pause then. Len drummed his fingers lightly on the steering wheel for a few seconds before speaking again, more thoughtful this time around, as his brows furrowed slightly.

“Well, if it helps, happiness isn’t always easy or understandable. It’s not some clear-cut thing. Maybe you don’t realise it now, but… I just…” Len trailed off slightly, “It’s nice to see you smiling again. You haven’t really smiled that much ever since-”

Len cut himself off then, but it was too late. Regulus already knew what he had been just about to say. Since Sirius left. Because even if Regulus hadn’t given it much thought - mostly because it hurt too much to admit - he hadn’t smiled much since Sirius left. He hadn’t laughed or joked around really anymore. He hadn’t cried much either. well, not until recently at least. it was just like… a part of him just left along with Sirius that day. as if Sirius took Regulus’ ability to be happy with him. 

Both he and Len knew that that conversation was still, even now after five years, too fresh somehow. too painful. and so Len didn’t put it into words. He let it hang there, awkwardly. He let bounce around the car, echoing throughout the space in Regulus’ head, making his chest ache. He let the silence stretch for a moment before clearing his throat and speaking again.

“I know you haven’t always had it easy, so it’s… nice to see you have something good for yourself for a change,” Len said, his tone a bit heavier, his eyes staying on the road.

Regulus just stared at him. He had no idea how to respond to that. He had no idea of what to do with the care in Len’s voice. It was so unexpected, so sudden, so foreign to Regulus and he didn’t know how to handle it. He had never really known what to do with kindness. His instinct told him to doubt it, not to trust it. But Regulus did trust Len. And he didn’t want to doubt everything anymore. Honestly, he was so tired of trying to pretend he didn’t want to trust people.

Len seemed to sense the discomfort and coughed quietly.

“Does… your mother know where you’re going?”

Regulus Immediately froze, dread flooding his veins in an instant upon the mention of his mother. He felt his pulse rise to what could only be an unhealthy pace, and his mind started to spiral. Was this it? Was this the moment the trust he had so carefully put in Len was broken? Was he about to be betrayed again? Was Len about to tell Walburga everything just like Regulus had feared?

“No,” Regulus muttered weakly, feeling the panic rise within him. He looked up at Len, his eyes wide and pleading. “But can you- I- Please, don’t tell her- pleas just-”

Len stared at him from the corner of his eye as he pulled up to the curb, presumably right outside Pandora’s home. He looked worried for a short moment before shutting off the engine and turning back to Regulus with a more determined expression.

“Look, kid. I’m not gonna rat you out, so if that’s what you’re worried about, don’t be.”

Regulus wanted to believe him but trusting people had never been easy. it was as if it was ingrained inside his DNA not to. his entire being screaming “LIAR!”

Len sighed, seeing the uncertainty in Regulus’ eyes, and shifted to look Regulus properly in the eyes as he continued, his tone practically dripping with nothing but pure sincerity.

“Look, think about it like this. I get paid to be your chauffeur. I get paid to get you from A to B. I don’t get paid to be a spy or an informant, alright? I am under no obligation to tell your mother anything , and I certainly have no reason or desire to do so.”

Regulus stared at him a moment longer, searching his face for any sign of a lie. When he found none he eventually nodded slowly. That made sense. He could at least understand that reasoning. maybe he could trust that, if nothing else. The pure logic in it.

“Thanks,” Regulus muttered.

Len offered him a sad smile.

“Take care of yourself, kid. Don’t do anything stupid. And call me if you need a lift him, even if it’s in the wee hours of the morning. I have nothing better to do anyway.”

Regulus nodded slowly, stepping out of the car.

“yeah, sure, I will.” He definitely wouldn’t be calling Len at the crack of dawn but still, it was a nice offer, and Regulus didn’t have it in him to refuse. 

Regulus watched as Len pulled off the curb, waving at him from inside the car. Regulus gave a small wave back before opening up his phone to check he was in the right place.

The street he stood on was lined with big houses, clearly a neighbourhood of wealth. And though his own family home lay in a neighbourhood like that too, this was different. Where on his street the houses were big buildings seeming trapped in a moment of history long ago, big old buildings looming over you, this street was filled with big blocky houses clearly built recently in the more modern style.

Upon checking his phone and seeing that yes’ he was in the right place he also found that Pandora had sent him another message with instructions.

“You can just walk inside, the door is open. Go up the stairs and my room is the first one on the right☺️”

Regulus nodded to himself. He supposed that was easy enough. 

When he walked up to the house and inside the unlocked door, he was taken aback by the size of the rosier’s home. It was a large, open space, the walls lined with big windows, letting sunlight cascade in over the inside which was modern and minimalist in design. yet somehow with the amount of light and open space which was not at all stuffy and dark like his own family home, he found the house to be strangely cold and sterile.

The pale walls and sleek furniture made the place feel more like a showroom than a home. It lacked warmth, in a way that had him comparing it to his own home even if they were starkly different. Following the instructions, he moved towards the staircase close by and headed for the first room on the right. And when he stepped into Pandora’s room, it was like the entire atmosphere shifted immediately.

Her room stood in complete contrast to the rest of the house - filled with nothing but personality and warmth. Crystals of all shapes and sizes adorned shelves and hung from the ceiling, glinting in the soft evening light filtering in through deep red curtains, bathing the room in a serene warm glow. A myriad of pictures hung on the walls, everything from polaroids to framed photos, capturing moments of joy and laughter, several faces Regulus didn’t recognise. A smaller picture, clearly taken on a digital camera, and hanging above the bed caught his attention. Within the picture stood two young kids side by side. Unmistakably Evan and Pandora with their characteristic blonde curls and big brown eyes. They were laughing, and looking at each other as if they were snickering about something one of them had said. They held their heads close together, seeming completely blissful in their own little world. 

Regulus could feel his heart clench a little. He remembered that feeling. He remembered laughing with his own brother. He wondered if any pictures had ever been taken of him and Sirius. He doubted it. At least not any like this one. His family wasn’t much for candid photos and much preferred the more traditional kind of “family picture”. Regulus remembered his mom forcing him and Sirius into little dress shirts and combing their curls back to try and tame them, whenever they had to take them. Sirius would always put up a great fight, always loosening his tie and pulling funny faces at the camera until his mother would smack him on the back of his head and tell him to behave. 

Regulus averted his gaze from the picture then, not wanting to remember anymore. it hurt too much to remember, to reminisce about the things he’d never have back again. So instead he turned his attention to the entirety of the room again.

It was cluttered, though not in an entirely chaotic way - there were plants in mismatched pots, tapestries with intricate designs, and books scattered everywhere. It felt cozy, lived-in, and comfortable. He wished his own room could feel like this. He wished he could adorn his barren walls with whatever knick-knacks he so wished, to try and disguise the empty hollow feeling that resided in that room, in that entire house. He couldn’t though. His mom would never let him. She threw a fit if he had just a shirt lying on the bed or a book not stacked neatly in his grey bookcase at the edge of the room. It was too “messy” in her opinion. “The key lies in minimizing distractions. If you have stuff all over the place then how are you supposed to get anything done?” She had said when he once had asked her why she was so against the idea of him hanging any pictures up. The only things she allowed on his walls were the shelves with trophies and diplomas all speaking of his “excellence” in different school subjects. It was depressing, how even in his own room, his personality was not allowed to shine, and instead - like all other areas of his life - it was his achievements, what he could do, and not who he was that got to shine. 

Pandora was perched on her bed, surrounded by cushions, her blonde curls splayed over the duvet, smiling warmly as Regulus entered.

“Great! You’re here!” She said, clapping her hands, and beckoned for Regulus to come sit down. Awkwardly he moved over to perch on the very edge of her bed, as she sat up a little only to yell a second later. “EVAN!”

A few seconds went by before somewhere deeper in the house Evan groaned and responded.

“What?!”

“COME HERE FOR A SECOND, WILL YOU?”

Another groan echoed back, but soon enough, Evan appeared in the doorway, looking mildly irritated as he stepped into the room, running a hand through his hair and pursing his lips. 

“what is it?” He muttered, tone a little sharp, but the moment he saw Regulus, the irritation faded slightly, replaced by a faint hint of shyness. “Oh, Hi, Regulus.”

“Hi,” Regulus replied, just as awkwardly.

Pandora completely ignored the awkward exchange and instead continued, with unyielding energy. 

“Do you have any clothes Reg can borrow for tonight?”

Evan stood still for a moment more, his eyes just darting between Pandora and Regulus, clearly taken aback by the sudden request. Regulus, himself, just wanted to disappear right into the floor.

“Pandora, really… I’m fine with what I’m wearing-” Regulus muttered, picking at the hem of his sleeves, as he tried to protest.

“Oh, nonsense!” Pandora waved him off easily. “At least try on something! If you hate then fine, but just try it on, for me,” She turned her big eyes on Regulus, and immediately he knew there was nothing he could do. He let out a sigh of defeat and apparently, that was enough confirmation for Pandora. 

“You must have something right?” She turned to Evan again, who was still standing in the doorway just kind of staring at the two of them.

Evan hesitated for a short moment more before nodding, his eyes still flickering toward Regulus.

“Yeah, sure I - um - I probably have something. I’ll go take a look.”

Pandora beamed at him.

“Lovely!”

Evan turned then to leave the room and Pandora plopped back on the bed with a triumphant expression.

Regulus glanced around the room again, a thought suddenly crossing his mind.

“Where are your parents?” He asked, not quite understanding, the concept of having a whole house to themselves. Regulus had never once been alone in his home. His father was often away but his mother never really was, always hovering right around the corners.

Pandora glanced over at him before shrugging.

“At work as usual,” 

Regulus furrowed his brow.

“As usual?” 

“Well, yeah, dad always works late. Lawyer things I guess. And mom is busy at some party, probably boasting about all the houses she’s sold within the past few months.”

Regulus nodded. he guessed that made sense. 

He looked down at his black shirt again, already nervous about what Evan was going to bring. Nervous about having to move away from the comfort of his usual outfit. Really, Regulus life had always been a calculated set of steps. He knew what he was going to be wearing, what he was going to be doing, and who he was going to meet. His daily life had been a set routine since he was a child and so having a whole set of changes thrown at him the past few months had had him on edge. 

“Is my outfit really that horrendous?” He asked, suddenly feeling insecure. He didn’t even know why. Usually, he wouldn’t even care whether or not his clothing suited him. He wouldn’t care what other people thought of it because in the end it just wasn’t important. he wasn’t out to please anyone. 

But Pandora was just so effortlessly cool, so airy and light in everything she did, and Regulus loved it, but it also made him feel weirdly insecure. Because she was just everything he could never be. Maybe it was her carefree nature, the way she always just took one step at a time or always knew the right thing to say, the right thing to do, how to make people like her without having to compromise who she was. Maybe it was the fact that all these things reminded him of the Sirius. The brother he loved, but also the brother he hated more than anything because he could never be like him. Sirius had always been so much like him, only better. Only with the addition of all the traits Regulus lacked. 

Pandora perched herself up on her elbows and glanced at him, her brows furrowing slightly as she looked at him, thoughtfully.

“No, of course, it’s not horrendous.” She said, and though it was as genuine as it could be. Regulus still had a hard time believing it. 

“Then… why do I have to change?”  He asked, not quite able to mask the clear insecurity in his voice. 

Pandora offered him a sympathetic smile.

“You don’t have to change, Regulus. I told you, if you hate then we’ll leave it. I just…” She hesitated. “I guess I just want to show you that you can do things a little differently if you want to. that change isn’t always… dangerous.”

Regulus looked at her for a moment longer and then averted his gaze when it felt like her eyes were boring too deep, digging into something he didn’t particularly want her to see. 

Really, it made a lot of sense. Regulus was afraid of change. He could see that now. The routine he’d once felt so trapped in, had become something he couldn’t step out of. Because he was afraid of what was on the other side. He was afraid that he was going to do it wrong. He didn’t know how to pick out an interesting outfit. He didn’t know what drink to order at a bar or how to spark up a conversation with a stranger. He didn’t know how to do it and that terrified him, because what if he was bad at it?

Regulus had never been allowed to be bad at something. So he had learned to despise it. He had learned to just not tolerate it. 

When he finally looked back up at Pandora she was staring at him, with her mouth slightly open as if she had something more to say.

Just then, Evan returned though, with a knock on the doorframe, and immediately both of their gazes snapped up to him, abruptly being pulled out of whatever moment they had just had. Regulus didn’t know whether to feel thankful or troubled about that.

He didn’t get too much time to think about that cause instead all his attention was brought to the outfit Evan was holding up. It was only a few items, nothing too flashy - a pair of dark brown trousers, a belt, a white T-shirt, and a brown leather jacket. Nothing wild, really, but certainly more polished and party-appropriate than what Regulus was currently wearing.

Regulus eyed the outfit warily, not entirely sure he liked where this going. He felt uncertainty flood his veins, because what if he looked stupid? What if he just made a fool out of himself?

Pandora, however, was ecstatic. 

“Oh, Evan that’s perfect! Regulus you’ve got to try it on!”

Regulus hesitated for a moment more, giving her another unsure glance.

Her grin faded a little at that, giving way to a more sympathetic smile as she leaned a little closer. 

“Remember, If you hate it, then just say so, and I’ll we’ll never speak of it again.” 

Regulus searched her face for any sign of deceit but found only genuine excitement and honesty. So, with a resigned sigh, Regulus stood up and took the clothes out of Evan’s hands, muttering a small “thanks” before heading to Pandora’s bathroom to change.

Changing into the new clothes provided to him, the transformation was noticeable. The loose-fitting grey trousers, though a tad big around the waist and long, though that was quickly fixed with the belt and rolling up the ends of the legs - hung comfortably, the material light and soft. They were pleated and tapered just the tiniest bit towards his ankles, giving him a casual yet refined look. and paired with the simple white t-shirt it looked effortless yet, refined at the same time. It was different, very different than what he was used to, but surprisingly, not all too horrible. 

Regulus stared at his own reflection, taking in his appearance for a long time. He had been prepared to feel like this wasn’t him like he was pretending to be someone else, someone better. But really, he didn’t feel all that different, in fact, for the first time in a long time he felt like he might look… good. if even just the tiniest bit. Still, Regulus' mind was cruel, and without even noticing it his eyes had drifted to his arms, to the scars there, exposed by the lack of sleeves. Regulus swallowed hard, feeling that odd clench in his throat. Right, he could never look that good. not in the skin he lived in. Not with those lines of shame stretching across pale skin. 

With a sigh, he pulled on the jacket. grateful for the addition of that because if it wasn’t for that he could’ve never walked out in front of anyone in the outfit. 

He took one final breath before mustering up the courage to open the door to the bathroom and step out. Immediately though whatever courage he had managed to find, withered away as he was met with the wide-eyed gazes from both Pandora and Evan.

They didn’t say anything at first, and immediately Regulus took that as a bad sign. Instantly his mind was flooded with a flurry of self-conscious thoughts, and he shifted awkwardly, crossing his arms over his chest, suddenly having the urge to hide.

“... I look ridiculous don’t I?” He sighed, finally, when he couldn’t stand the silence and the simultaneous loudness of his thoughts.

“No!” Pandora exclaimed immediately, blinking a little as she snapped out of whatever daze she had been caught in. No, Regulus, you look…” She gave his entire outfit another long glance before letting out a small chuckle and smiling. “Beautiful. You look beautiful. Doesn’t he look beautiful Evan?” She rambled excitedly as she turned to Evan

Regulus blinked, taken aback by her sincerity and the word she had used. Beautiful. She thought he was… beautiful . Never once in his life had Regulus ever felt beautiful. Could he even be beautiful? could anyone ever find him beautiful?

He glanced over at Evan, who looked just as surprised to be suddenly dragged into the conversation. He cleared his throat awkwardly before nodding and averting his gaze.

“Uh… yeah, it looks… good, mate. Definitely.” He muttered, quietly.

Regulus felt his face heat up slightly under their gazes, but deep down, he couldn’t help but feel a little flattered. Maybe he could be beautiful. maybe he could embrace change just for a short while. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad after all.

The street outside the bar - The Hog’s Head, Regulus figured it was called, looking at the red neon sign above the door - was dark, illuminated only by the few streetlights around and the warm, soft glow that poured out of the bar’s stained-glass windows. It didn’t seem to be a particularly busy night, only a small group of people standing outside, smoking, but the faint hum of conversation and distant clinks of glass from inside the bar still managed to drift out onto the street. It made Regulus’ stomach suddenly knot tighter and tighter with each passing second.

He had thought he could do this, but he hadn’t been standing right here when he’d made that deduction. and now that he was here, he suddenly wasn’t so sure anymore.

Suddenly it felt like everything was just wrong. The new outfit, the idea of being in any crowd, much less a crowd of drunken people, and the fact that he had never even agreed to come here at all. He glanced up at the bar’s weathered facade with its eclectic mix of mismatched furniture visible through the window. Inside he could just faintly make out the warm glow of antique lamps of all shapes and colors, adding to the nostalgic, yet timeless feeling of the place. It looked inviting - maybe too inviting - and that was part of the problem.

Pandora stood in front of the entrance, her eyes still gleaming with excitement, seemingly paying no mind at all to Regulus’ worry or Evan’s complete quiet. 

“Here it is,” She said, a smile lighting up her face as if she were presenting a hidden gem to them and not a small bar at some street corner. 

Evan looked indifferent, with his hands in his pockets, and his usual slightly pouty frown firmly in place, though Regulus could sense the subtle displeasure in his posture. Maybe it was the fact that Pandora had practically dragged him along without warning at the last minute, or maybe he was just as anxious as Regulus was, just far less willing to show it.

Pandora looked between the two of them and grinned. 

“Let’s go in, shall we lads?” She said, her voice bright and unaffected, before practically dragging them along with her.

Neither Evan nor Regulus responded to her. Regulus just swallowed hard, trying his best to force his legs to move and Pandora led the way forward. 

Inside, the bar was just as warm and inviting as it appeared from the outside - old wooden chairs with faded upholstery, benches worn from years of use, and knick-knacks crammed into every available space on the walls. The low-hanging lamps above them cast a dim, amber hue across the room, bathing the worn wood and stained glass in a soft comfortable light. The air smelled of an oddly pleasant mix of cigarettes and the faint scent of someone’s perfume. 

Regulus trailed behind Pandora and Evan, keeping his head down, the unfamiliar sounds and smells around him making him feel on edge and the feeling of his new clothes making him feel slightly out of place in his own skin. 

Pandora wove through the few clusters of people inside with ease, offering a smile and a soft greeting here and there. Meanwhile, Regulus’ heart raced, only letting up the tiniest bit when they finally stopped in front of a table in the corner, one that felt somewhat tucked away - though still far too exposed for his liking. 

He sat down, letting out a small breath to try and steady himself. Instinctively his eyes flicked around the room taking in the scene around him. The bar a little ways away, three, four people dancing along to the music a few tables down, two people who looked to be a couple, sitting with their heads bent close together as they laughed quietly and- 

Regulus looked to the table on the other side of the room, in the other corner and he saw them .

His heart plummeted to his stomach as his gaze landed on a group at a larger table nearby. They were a larger group, and rather loud, and really, how could he have missed them as he walked in? How could he have missed him ?

Because there he was - James Potter , seated among a good part of his hocket team and a few other people Regulus didn’t recognise. Regulus’ blood turned cold and before he could even process it fully, he shot up from his seat.

“I think I want to leave,” He blurted, his voice louder than he had intended to be. 

At the same moment, Evan - who had also been scanning the room just moments before - stood as well, his expression shifting into something Regulus couldn’t quite read. 

“Actually, Panda-” Evan started, unable to quite hide away the panic in his tone.

Pandora blinked in surprise, looking between the two of them.

“What’s gotten into you two?” 

But Regulus didn’t need to hear Evan’s excuse to know why his own reaction was so visceral. He let himself be dragged down to his chair again, by Pandora, his body feeling oddly limp. He didn’t know what to do. His entire body felt frozen in place, in pure fear, in pure rage. Because right there, sitting so casually and completely, was James fucking Potter. because of course, he would be. Of course, he just had to be fucking everywhere Regulus went. 

And really, the last thing Regulus needed or wanted tonight was to face him.

Shit.

Shit, shit, fucking shit .

Chapter Text

Regulus was still standing, his gaze locked onto one James Potter sitting only a few tables over, when Pandora gave a lighthearted laugh, and tried to brush off the rising tension as if it were nothing.

“Oh, you two are being so silly,” She said, her eyes flicking amused between Regulus and Evan who were both standing up awkwardly, stiff as two boards, ready to flee. 

She caught Evan’s gaze for a moment and raised a questioning brow. Evan, however, merely looked away, his face pale, expression pulled tight as he glanced gingerly back at the group. His behavior clearly didn’t escape Pandora, her eyes narrowing in clear suspicion, but she chose to turn and focus on Regulus as she beckoned for the both of them to sit down again, her expression softening slightly.

Regulus, not knowing what to do, just sat back down, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. Every cell in his body was screaming at him to run and flee, his heart racing, and yet some part of him made him stay. 

Evan, too, seeing Regulus sit down, sighed and sat down as well though he was still avoiding both of their eyes.

“What is it? Is the crowd too much?” Pandora asked Regulus, placing a careful hand on his arm, her voice ever gentle. 

Regulus just swallowed hard again, his throat feeling drier than the sahara desert as he struggled to keep his eyes from straying toward James again. Somehow, he managed a small weak shake of his head, though his gaze betrayed him immediately after, firmly locking back onto the figure across the room who still seemed blissfully unaware of his observer. 

“No, it’s just…” Regulus began, his voice quickly trailing off. He didn’t know how to explain anything. He didn’t know how to get any words out. He was too caught up in his own shock and horror.

Pandora, sensing that something was clearly off, followed Regulus’ gaze. She squinted her eyes slightly as she tried to pinpoint what exactly had him so rattled. At first, her brows just knitted together in clear confusion. Then, they widened in slight recognition.

“Wait a minute… the cute boy with the glasses there… Reggie, don’t tell me that-”

“James.” Regulus cut her off with a weary sigh, his hands clenching and unclenching in both anxiety and embarrassment on the table. “It’s fucking James. Half his hockey team too.”

Evan, who had stayed detached and staring out into nothing for the past minute, suddenly perked up with a slight jerk, his face twisting into surprise.

“Wait, you know these guys?” He asked with a strange note of panic creeping into his voice.

Regulus sighed, too caught up in his own predicament to think too much about Evan’s peculiar behavior and nodded. 

“Yes… well, one of them. Unfortunately .”

Evan’s brows knitted together even further and he pressed his lips into a tight line as if that information didn’t sit well with him at all. He looked far from reassured - even more troubled than before, actually.

Regulus let out a low groan, burying his head in his hands before turning to Pandora who was looking at him with a sympathetic but still amused grin.

“Pandora… please, let’s just get out of here before he notices me. I’ll make it up to you another time. Just please, I’m begging you, let’s-”

“Too late,” Pandora interrupted, her voice laced with reluctant sympathy, as she stared over his shoulder, her eyes intent on something else.

Regulus froze, his heart picking speed again as it simultaneously plummeted right into his stomach. Slowly, he lifted his hands away from his face, dread creeping its way into his veins.

“... what?”

Pandora discreetly gestured toward the group behind him with a tilt of her chin. Regulus followed her gaze and, to his absolute horror, found several sets of eyes watching him right back. His blood ran the coldest, however, when he saw James, whose attention had shifted entirely to their corner. 

James looked just as stunned as Regulus felt at first, his mouth slightly open as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. He squinted slightly as if trying to be absolutely sure he was seeing the right thing. Then, as realisation dawned on him, a grin - a wide, nearly wolfish one - spread across his entire face. 

Regulus wanted to die right there. 

With a desperation he hadn’t felt in a long while he turned back to Pandora, his voice tight with panic. 

“Pandora… please -”

“Sorry,” She muttered, only offering him a small, apologetic smile. Then she leaned forward ever so slightly, her eyes darting past him again as she whispered, more urgently. “Oh shit, Reg, he’s coming over.”

Regulus felt his entire body tense up in an instant. Because no this just couldn’t be fucking happening.

“He’s what ?”

“He’s coming over, just act cool,” Pandora whispered back, trying and failing to suppress her own amused smile.

“ Cool ?? How in the world do i act ‘cool’, Pandora-”

“Hi,” Came a familiar voice behind him right then, smooth and confident. 

Regulus just froze in place, his breath catching in his throat. For a moment he wondered if maybe he just stayed still and pretended he was a statue the world would just leave him alone. If maybe he could just sink into the floor or something. He didn’t think he could however, and he wasn’t trying to make himself look like even more of an idiot than he already did. So instead, slowly, painfully, he turned around to find none other than James Potter standing just a few metres away, his grin somehow impossibly larger.

Regulus felt his entire world tilting beneath him, threatening to pull him down with it, and honestly if it meant he didn’t have to endure this now then he’d let it swallow him up. 

“Regulus,” James said, his voice warm with surprise and clear amusement. “Funny seeing you here.”

Regulus could only barely manage to force a tightlipped smile, his voice coming out a little more strained than he meant it to. 

“Yes. How… fun.”

Under the table, Pandora’s foot immediately collided with his shin, making him wince. Apparently that response to James hadn’t been good enough in her opinion. Regulus sent her a sharp glare, but all he got in return was a goofy, unbothered grin, as if she had done nothing at all. Meanwhile, Evan was still staring right past James, as if he hadn’t even noticed him, his focus seemingly lost on the hockey team, his face stoic and unreadable. 

Regulus would’ve arched an eyebrow at that if it wasn’t for the fact that James was fucking standing there in front of him, smiling that annoying smile of his. 

“Out with friends?” James asked casually, glancing between Pandora and Evan.

Regulus just faltered completely, staying silent as his mind desperately scrambled for an answer. Thankfully Pandora swooped in, saving him from the awkward silence. Her voice was nothing but bright and friendly, her words rolling out with ease as if this wasn’t just about the most absurd situation they could possibly be in.

“Yes! Hi, I’m Pandora, and this is my brother, Evan.” She extended her hand toward James with an easy, confident smile. 

James returned the smile, shaking her hand with a warm,

“Nice to meet you, Pandora.”

Pandora beamed right back in return, but Regulus didn’t miss the lightning-quick glance she sent his way, as a knowing look flashed in her eyes.

“And you are?” She asked, batting her eyelashes, innocently.

“Oh, I’m James.” 

“James,” She repeated, still smiling, though her eyes flicked once more to Regulus, something conspiratorial in her expression. Regulus didn’t trust the girl one second. Because there was no mistaking that teasing look in her eye. She was planning something, and as long as it wasn’t getting up and leaving, Regulus knew he probably wouldn’t like it very much.

James, completely oblivious, turned his attention back to Regulus then, his smile nearly disarming. 

“Well, how about you join us now that you’re here? I’m sure we can make space for you over by our table.”

Regulus’ heart immediately skipped a few beats, every part of him ready to refuse that invitation immediately. He was ready to grab Pandora and Evan and flee right out the door. But before he could even get a single word out, Pandora cut in again, quicker than lightning.

“Oh, sure! Sounds fun!” She chirped.

Regulus snapped his head around to send her a panicked “What-the-fuck??” glare, but she only responded by flashing him a devilish grin, her eyes screaming mischief. He could practically feel the ground disappearing beneath him as his stomach twisted itself into a big tangled mess of shit. 

James nodded excitedly, shooting Regulus one more grin, before leading them over to his table, where his teammates and friends shuffled around to make space. Regulus followed reluctantly, every single one of his limbs feeling heavier than lead and his nerves climbing higher with each step he took. Evan, to his surprise, seemed equally as uncomfortable, his posture stiff as a board, and his usual cool demeanor replaced by something much more tense, his skin suddenly ten times paler. 

When they finally got to sit down, Regulus found himself squeezed right between Pandora and a dark-skinned girl with a stare so intense and intimidating that it immediately put him on edge. Pandora, on the other hand, appeared completely at ease. As if their circumstances couldn’t be better. Of course, Regulus thought bitterly because to make things worse, he was seated directly across from James. The tan boy smiled, wide and big and used the moment while they settled down to introduce his group. 

To the right of James, sat a girl with big expressive eyes, framed by a soft sprinkle of freckles across her cheeks. Her hair was a cascade of rich, dark curls, tumbling down in a way that made her seem her effortlessly, naturally beautiful. Her skin was warm and golden and her cheeks were a little red. She was the kind of girl who drew looks wherever she went, no doubt, and as soon as she smiled at Regulus, introducing herself as “Mary”, leaning in slightly and tilting her head, he wanted to disappear.

Everyone here was so beautiful or at least interesting in their own way and Regulus wanted to claw at his own skin, just to not feel so out of place anymore.

“And… who are the new friends?” Mary said, throwing a glance in James’ direction as she smiled brightly.

James, clearly trying to play it cool, leaned back a little in his chair, offering an oddly vague,

“Just someone i know.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow, because for some reason that reply annoyed him. 

“Oh, and here I thought you were adamant that we were best friends, James. Might i ask what i’ve done to deserve such a demotion?” Regulus asked, flashing James a sarcastic grin.

James’ grin widened ever so slightly in amusement. 

“Maybe i just got tired of you being so mean to me.”

Regulus leaned in, faking a sweet tone. 

“Maybe I’m saying you’re a big fat liar.”

James only shrugged, his grin never faltering.

“And maybe i am. Who knows?” James shot back with a playful wink, clearly enjoying himself. Regulus immediately turned his gaze away, feeling his cheeks flush against his own will. Stupid fucking, pretty James. 

Pandora, sitting to Regulus’ right, was already watching the exchange with her usual amusement. The rest of the table was oddly quiet, but Regulus could feel eyes on him - Mary’s warm gaze and James’ annoyingly smug one but then there were the others.

Four other of James’ friends sat at the table and it felt like they were all quietly observing him. James had very quickly gone over their names as they were settling down and Regulus was desperately trying to remember them so he didn’t have to feel like he was sitting at a table with complete strangers. Maybe if he just knew their names they wouldn’t feel quite as scary. 

To the left of James over in the corner opposite of Regulus sat a girl, staring at him too, with an amused expression while she sipped quietly on a beer. She had a striking look to her, with bleached blonde frizzy hair, cut in bangs and framing pieces around her faces, the rest of it braided into two braids falling down over her shoulders. Her already fierce eyes were accentuated by the black eyeliner drawn around them, a little smudged in some places. James had introduced her as Marlene, and contrary to Mary, who had a sweeter more effortlessly intimidating kind of beauty to her, Marlene just looked plain dangerous, from the black eyeliner to the piercings in her nose and lip. Despite her intense look however, it was also quite obvious from the blush in her cheeks and the way her eyes drooped and moved slowly whenever she blinked that she was already much drunker than the others in the group.

Regulus averted his gaze from her when she flashed him a dopey smile, clearly amused by his startled expression, looking around at all of them. 

He immediately regretted that decision when his eyes fell on the intimidating girl to the right of himself, her gaze even more intense than anyone else at the table. 

Dorcas, James had called her, and as soon as they locked eyes her lips, curled up ever so slightly into a small sly smirk, though her eyes stayed just as intense as before. 

She leaned back, in a confident relaxed posture with her arms crossed and her head tilted ever so slightly. Her eyes were dark and deep brown and her hair fell in wavy locs around her face as she continued smirking at him. Immediately Regulus’ gaze fell to the array of jewellery adorning her neck instead, needing something else to look at.

Quickly he turned away from her again, her gaze burning holes into his skin in the most uncomfortable way. As if she was staring right into his soul somehow.

Instead his eyes fell on the last two people at the table sitting to the far right on the opposite side. 

Peter and Barty as they had been introduced. 

Peter was a smaller, more nervous looking guy. He was of a slightly larger build, his cheeks rounder and his features softer, his face a little pale under the dim lights. His eyes were big, round and blue, and he stared Regulus too, though his gaze was intense in an entirely different way. While the others stared at him with intrigue Peter looked deeply puzzled, a strange sense of recognition in his gaze. 

Regulus felt uncomfortable with him too. In fact, he felt uncomfortable with most people at the table. 

Barty too, with his fierce dark eyes, and cool nearly predatory smile, his dark hair, shorter and spiky. He, though, only lazily observed Regulus for a moment, giving him a cool onceover before turning right to stare at Evan in front of him. 

The table stayed quiet like that for a moment, everyone just carefully observing each other, sizing the newcomers up before finally James tilted his head slightly, eyes flicking over Regulus with a teasing smile. 

“So, Regulus, you’re out with friends tonight? Didn’t know an ice prince like you knew how to have fun.”

Regulus didn’t a miss a beat, immediately narrowing his eyes in challenge. Even now, while he felt so out of his element, letting James get the better of him was the last thing he’d ever do.

“Ever considered the possibility that maybe i just don’t have a lot of fun in your company?”

James held up his hands in mock surrender.

“Bit defensive tonight aren’t we?”

Regulus felt his jaw tick with how hard he grinded his teeth together but before he had the chance to snap back, Mary chimed in, leaning in with a soft laugh.

“James is just trying to be funny, though in his own strange way,” She shot James a teasing glance. “He’s like that. Annoying but somehow still charming.”

Regulus only mustered a slightly sarcastic smile.

“ Charming. Right.” 

James grinned wider, brushing off the clear sarcastic response.

“Your outfit’s different tonight, Reg.”

Regulus turned his gaze right back to him again, narrowing his eyes at the nickname that he was pretty sure he had reiterated at least twenty times now he did not want James calling him. Still, annoyingly, he couldn’t escape the slight flush of his cheeks at the topic of his outfit. Really, he had hoped no one would say anything about it. He had nearly forgotten about it, and now, all because of fucking James, he was reminded once again of just how far out of his comfort zone he really was.

“Yeah, we picked something out for him! Couldn’t have him going out looking as moody as he usually does.” Pandora immediately chimed in, her voice bright. She earned herself a sharp glare from Regulus, but she only giggled in response.

James just nodded approvingly, giving Regulus a surprisingly genuine smile. 

“Well, i like it.”

That threw Regulus off completely. Suddenly he felt awkward and his usual sharp retorts failed him for a minute as he desperately reached for something to say. In the end he just averted his gaze and muttered, moodily,

“Well, i didn’t wear it for you. So stop trying to be all sweet. It’s sickening.”

James, of course, being the annoying asshole he was, only leaned in, not letting Regulus off the hook that easily, his smile turning into a sweet, teasing grin.

“You know i’ll never stop.”

Pandora leaned in then, to whisper in Regulus’ ear, barely containing her laughter.

“Careful, he might actually mean it.”

“ Ha ha” Regulus replied flatly, clearly unamused with the teasing.

The conversation seemed to suddenly shift then as Dorcas, who had been watching everything with quiet intensity, finally spoke, her voice cutting through the noise.

“You’re that pretty figure skater, aren’t you? The one who had a go at Ollie.”

Barty reacted then - turning his sharp eyes away from Evan who was still just staring down at the table as if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen - and snorted.

“ Finally. That fucker had it coming.”

Regulus just blinked, caught off guard by the sudden question. 

“Uh, yeah, that’s me.”

Dorcas’ lips curled into a sly grin then, her eyes glinting with wicked amusement.

“Hm, i thought i recognised you. Seen you around.” Her gaze flickered toward James as her smile widened ever so slightly. “Though i hadn’t expected you to be… acquainted with our dear captain already.”

Regulus narrowed his eyes a little.

“Why?”

Dorcas leaned back, her expression still just as unreadable. 

“It’s just… surprising, is all.”

“To some of us.” Barty muttered under his breath, still grinning cheekily.

Dorcas shot him a pointed look, eyebrows raised, but Barty just shrugged, his grin unfaltering. Regulus watched the interaction in quiet confusion. It felt like they were constantly communicating something right over his head and he wished he could figure out what it was.

Mary, who must’ve sensed the sudden tension in the air, jumped in with a lighthearted tone, trying to redirect the conversation swiftly.

“So, where you guys from?” Her eyes moved from Regulus to Pandora and Evan.

Regulus, not wanting to give too much away, responded curtly.

“London.”

James glanced at him then, his expression unreadable though there was something behind his eyes, something sad that Regulus didn’t understand.

Mary nodded, clearly unfazed.

“Oh, London! That’s nice!” She turned to Pandora and Evan, still smiling just as warmly. “And what about you?”

Pandora immediately beamed right back at her, her excitement clear.

“Well, we’re both from here. I go to Haverfield, but Evan’s all the way up in Montrose.”

At that, Barty's eyes gleamed with recognition, his attention snapping right back to Evan with a sly smile. 

“Montrose, huh? Must be fun being back in town.”

Evan, who had been tense the entire time, looked even more uncomfortable somehow, shifting nervously under Barty’s stare. His voice came out stiff and awkward. 

“Yeah… Fun.”

James, seemingly not having noticed the exchange between Barty and Evan at all, turned his attention right back to Regulus.

“But Reg, if you’re from London, why’d you end up training here?”

Regulus hated that question. He hated James for asking it. Why was it that he had to be so nosy? Why couldn’t Regulus just have his business to himself? He hated the way James looked at him when he said it too. Genuinely curious and almost a little troubled in a way that made you really want to tell him everything. But then again there was nothing Regulus wanted to talk less about than that exact topic.

How was it, that the night out that was supposed to make him forget his family and his troubles and all the things that bothered him, had to be ruined, everything being dug up once again, as if he truly could never escape it? He blamed James. 

Regulus clenched his jaw, as he forced a tight smile.

“You’d have to ask my parents about that, i’m afraid.”

James’ expression twisted slightly, as something nearly sad flickered in his eyes once again. It annoyed Regulus, because he just couldn’t quite place it, and that was perhaps the most irritating part. James was so weird, so invasive in the most odd way, and it irritated Regulus while also terrifying him a little. 

Before Regulus could dwell on it further, Mary, still trying to ease the tension apparently, asked the next obvious question.

“How did you two meet, anyway? You seem close.”

Regulus scoffed instantly.

“We’re not.”

James though, clearly unfazed with Regulus cool attitude, just shrugged and flashed that infuriating grin of his. 

“We’ve bumped into each other a few times.”

Dorcas raised an eyebrow beside Regulus, then, leaning in slightly, her sharp gaze never leaving them.

“Right. And by ‘bumped’, you mean what exactly?”

James looked to her with the same smile though his eyes narrowed slightly as if he too was trying to figure out why Dorcas was suddenly so forward.

“I just mean we’ve run into each other a few times, at the rink.”

Barty, apparently needing to stir the pot just a little more, snickered from his seat, where he was apparently still listening in, even while still staring down Evan.

“Funny, I didn’t think Jamie was so coy about his… friendships.”

James shot him a warning look, but Barty only smiled wider letting out a low unbothered whistle as he turned away again, seemingly more interested in watching Evan squirm under his gaze than actually entering the conversation.

Regulus watched the interaction and felt the sudden need to groan in frustration. This night was getting worse and worse by the second. But before he could hatch an escape plan, Peter, who had been weirdly quiet the whole time, staring at him for most of the evening, abruptly shot up, mumbling something about going for a wee. He lingered though, his gaze staying on Regulus for just a second too long, before he moved. It made Regulus frown in confusion. What was his deal?

As Peter disappeared, Regulus stared after him, trying to figure what exactly was going on here, and why it seemed everyone had just chosen to be as weirdly mysterious as they possibly could around him. It was only when Pandora’s voice rang out again, that he snapped back to the conversation, turning to see his friend clearly far too entertained by the chaos unfolding. 

“You know, Reg…” She whispered in his direction though it was loud enough for pretty everyone around to hear. “James sure is… attentive when it comes to you.”

James coughed awkwardly from his seat, but Regulus glared right back at Pandora, his patience really starting to wear thin.

“Shut up, Pandora.” He hissed, though it was hard to carry any actual malice in his tone when it came to her. 

“What?” She said innocently, though her grin betrayed her. “I’m just saying. It’s fascinating.”

James, clearly desperate to change the subject immediately, grinned again, though it seemed much more strained than before.

“So any of you guys into hockey?” He said a little loud in a clunky attempt at starting up another conversation entirely. “Our team’s getting pretty solid this year.”

Regulus snorted, his annoyance with James slowly starting to bubble over, his pettiness seeping through. 

“Please, James, not everyone’s obsessed with hockey.” He said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Dorcas’ eyes sharpened once again, like she was piecing together something unspoken between them.

“You two don’t really get along, do you?”

Before anyone else could respond though, Marlene, already seeming quite tipsy and a bit out of it, chimed in with a lazy drawl.

“No, I think they’re cute. Like… banter. Fun banter.”

Dorcas rolled her eyes at the other girl, but a small smile still tugged at her lips nonetheless as she glanced over at Marlene, who was giggling softly to herself.

“You’re drunk.” Dorcas said, and though it was clearly meant to be some type of insult, it was almost impossible to ignore the fact that her tone softened considerably as soon as she was speaking to the blonde. 

“I’m not drunk,” Marlene said, sounding slightly offended as she reached over the table clumsily to poke Dorcas playfully. “I’m observant .”

Dorcas sighed exasperatedly, though her smile still remained. 

“Yeah, and you’re also a massive twat, how about that?”

“So mean,” Marlene pouted, but her dopey smile quickly returned.

Regulus, on the other hand, just wanted to disappear. There were too many eyes on him. Too many people that he couldn’t figure out. It made him antsy in a deeply uncomfortable way. It was all just so much. James with his grin, Barty and his sly comments, Dorcas’ intense gaze on him, Pandora’s relentless amusement, Peter who still hadn’t come back which Regulus didn’t mind much really, Mary and her over friendliness that he didn’t trust and then Evan who still hadn’t uttered a word since the last time he spoke and seemed like he was focusing just about all his energy on not reciprocating Barty’s intense eye contact. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand it. Especially when James’ gaze found his again, lingering just a bit too long, that damn smile softening slightly in a way that made Regulus’ stomach twist in the strangest way.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” Regulus muttered, standing up abruptly.

“Yeah, good idea,” James said, standing up too. Regulus shot him an annoyed glare, but James didn’t seem to notice - or maybe he just didn’t care - clearly not taking the hint. “I’ll come with you.” 

Regulus wanted to protest but really he was too tired, so instead he just turned and scuttered past Pandora and Evan, with a sour scowl. 

And as they got further away from the table, Pandora’s voice followed them, sounding far too pleased. 

“Oh, this is gonna be entertaining.”

Regulus swore he was going to strangle her as soon as they got back home. 

He practically stormed right ahead toward the bar, his footsteps heavy and purposeful, in the hopes that James would finally get the hint that he wasn’t pleased with the sudden run-in. James, of course, did not. The idiot followed right behind Regulus with a grin permanently plastered across his features, seemingly not at all fazed by Regulus’ clear irritation. 

When they finally reached the bar, Regulus tried his best to focus on the drink menu above. His eyes scanned across all the options, but it was hard to actually read any of it when he could feel James’ presence beside him - all too close and very obviously not reading the menu. Regulus after several seconds of trying and failing to ignore him, shot an irritated glance to the side, only to find James staring right at him, unabashed and with that same irritatingly familiar insufferable grin.

James was the first to break the silence, leaning in slightly.

“So, what’re we thinking?”

Regulus turned back to the menu not bothering to spare him another glance. 

“Why do you care?”

He could see James shrugging out of the corner of his eye, completely unbothered.

“It’s always interesting seeing what people order, and I’m awfully curious whether you’re the beer or cocktail type.”

Regulus gave a small huff, rolling his eyes, but simply refused to give James the satisfaction of a proper reply. So instead, he stepped up to the bar, hoping that he could get the bartender’s attention quickly, and end the conversation without having to bother much more. When the bartender finally did approach, she was a pretty girl, probably not much older than themselves, wearing heavy eyeliner that made her green eyes pop and brown curls cascading down over her slim shoulders. 

“How can i help you?” She asked with a polite smile.

Immediately Regulus stiffened slightly, feeling heat creep its way up the back of his neck. He had no idea what to order. He had never been to a bar for gods sake and really, the only alcohol he'd had was the wine served at his family’s dinner parties. The last thing he wanted, however, was for James to catch on. There was no way he was going to admit, to him of all people, that he’d never been to a bar before and that he definitely could use a little help figuring out what he even wanted. He glanced quickly at the taps lined up behind the bartender, trying to look as nonchalant as possible, until his eyes landed on a slightly familiar word: “Carling.”

It seemed common enough. It couldn't be too bad, surely. 

“I’ll have… a Carling.” Regulus said, his voice as steady as he could possible keep up.

James stepped up slightly beside him, quirking a brow and that damn smirk widening ever so slightly as if he knew something Regulus didn’t.

“A Carling, huh?”

Regulus fought the urge to snap back and kept his tone cool instead.

“Problem?”

James chuckled and shook his head, as the bartender turned around to fix up Regulus’ order.

He was still grinning like an idiot though, clearly amused about something. When Regulus caught him staring yet again, he snapped, tone sharper than last time, his patience quickly running out with James.

“What?”

“Nothing,” James said, though his smirk never faltered. “Just thinking.”

“Well, stop staring at least. It’s creeping me out.”

James scoffed and raised his hands in mock surrender. 

“Someone’s a little moody tonight.”

Regulus just shot him a glare.

“Yeah, well, someone has a way of getting on my nerves.”

James only seemed to enjoy that comment, his grin growing ever wider, but before he could respond, the bartender returned with Regulus’ order. Regulus took it, grateful for the distraction and moved to the side a little to make room for James at the counter.

As soon as the other boy stepped up to the bar, the bartender’s entire demeanor shifted, her smile brightening and her posture suddenly a little more inviting. 

“What can i get for you?” She asked, her voice noticeably more playful than it had been with Regulus.

James seemed like he was either completely oblivious to the flirtation or simply didn’t care. He leaned against the counter casually as he scanned the menu lazily.

“Let’s see… I think i’ll get a round of shots for my table,” He said with a grin.

The bartender giggled softly, brushing a small curl behind her ear.

“A whole round, huh? Big group?”

James nodded, still smiling in that easy, casual and ennoyingly charming way of his. 

“Yeah, we’ve got a bit of a celebration going on.”

“Oh, that sounds fun,” She replied, clearly interested. “I’ll get those shots right up.”

James nodded and shot her another smile, and as the bartender turned to prepare the drinks, Regulus merely stood off to the side, arms crossed, trying to ignore the odd twist of sudden annoyance in his chest. He scowled slightly, watching the interaction unfold. The bartender was laying it on thick, that much was obvious, and James was either completely oblivious or far too used to the attention to even notice.

When the bartender had finally busied herself with the drinks, Regulus turned a little to look at James, his scowl deepening.

“Shots for the whole table? Really? Half of them are already pissed.”

James shrugged easily, his grin still steady.

“Yeah, well, you’re not drunk, are you?”

Regulus responded with a mere raise of his eyebrow, entirely unimpressed.

“Trying to get me drunk, James? Really? How gentlemanly of you.”

James just chuckled, much to Regulus’ annoyance, as he clearly only enjoyed the sarcasm more than it actually hit him. 

“Well, I have to find some way to see you when you’re not all dark and broody, don’t i?”

Regulus glared at him, straightening up with an indignant huff.

“I am not dark and broody.”

“Oh, but you are,” James said with a teasing laugh and a slight shake of his head.

Regulus’ expression darkened further, clearly a little offended by that accusation.

“Am not.”

James looked like he had another witty comment in mind, but just then, the bartender returned with a tray full of shots. 

“Here you go,” She said, setting them down on the counter with a smile that was definitely aimed at James, if the overly sweet nature of it was any indicator. 

James grabbed the shots, and thanked the bartender with a charming smile, still oblivious to Regulus’ growing annoyance. 

As they headed back to the table, Regulus could barely hold it back any longer, all his frustration. James, for his part, looked smugly pleased with himself which only helped spark the flicker of annoyance in Regulus even more.

When they returned to the table, they set down the tray of shots on the table, to loud cheering from the rest of their entourage. The atmosphere was already lively - Barty still leaning across the table to interrogate Evan with a smirk that Regulus could only describe as predatory, Dorcas watching everyone with a small smile and a perceptive gaze, and Marlene, already flushed from the alcohol, giggling over something Mary had said.

Regulus sat down, his entire body feeling stiff with annoyance directed primarily at James still simmering just beneath the surface. Much to his dismay, Peter was back again too, and it seemed his long trip to the bathroom had not done anything to stop him from staring down Regulus with that same strange look. 

Regulus just took his newly bought beer knocking back a big gulp of it immediately, feeling it go down. As soon as the taste hit his tongue, though, he grimaced. It tastes like shit he thought to himself, swallowing it down as best he could. 

James, ever perceptive - annoyingly so - even in his cocky indifference, noticed right away of course. 

“What’s the matter, Reggie? Beer not to your liking?” His voice was teasing, though it held a hitn of something else, his eyes a little too fond for it to really be an insult - like he was secretly enjoying Regulus’ discomfort a little too much.

“Oh shut it,” Regulus shot back, his voice low. “I’ve just tasted better, is all.” He set the beer down a little harder than what was probably necessary and reached out for a shot, anything, really, to dull the aching awkwardness he still felt in his entire body from being surrounded by so many people.

James smirked leaning back in his chair smugly. 

“You sure? You look like you’re about to spit it right out. You don’t have to impress anyone, you know?”

Regulus rolled his eyes.

“You think I’m trying to impress you of all people?”

“Not sure why else you’d keep forcing it down,” James replied with a small shrug, his grin widening. “Just admit you don’t like beer.”

Regulus opened his mouth to send back a sharp retort, but at that moment, Barty’s voice cut right through the air, apparently done with the quiet one-sided staring match with Evan, the sly undertones in his voice hard to miss. 

“So, Evan, enjoying your stay in town?” He was leaning in closer over the table to Evan, who looked somehow both tense and like he was liquifying under Barty’s gaze.

He glanced around the table a little as if searching for the quickest escape. 

“It’s… fine.” He replied, clearly more than just a little reluctant. 

Barty’s smile didn’t even waver.

“Just fine? Must be more to it than that. Come on, you’re seeing the sights, aren’t you?” He raised an eyebrow, the question innocent enough, though somehow he made it feel more like a trap. 

Pandora, ever amused, perhaps missing or just misinterpreting the strange undertones, watched with a knowing smile. Clearly, she though Barty’s questioning was just a round of aggressive flirting. Regulus on the other hand wasn’t so sure. Pandora leaned over to Regulus, whispering conspiratorially. 

“What do you think? Think Evan's playing hard to get or that he simply has no idea how to interact with someone interested?”

It wasn’t that Regulus didn’t want to talk to Pandora, but right then he just could not for the life of him find the energy in him to another discussion about anything right then. So instead of answering he downed another shot, still not quite able to do so without grimacing, though at least this time James didn’t seem to notice - he at least didn’t comment on it. He did look over toward Evan again though. Evan looked pale, almost sickly so, meanwhile Barty still stared at him, his smirk all too knowing. 

Across the table Peter was still just as quiet as before, his gaze darting between Regulus and James with a strange tension that Regulus couldn’t quite place. It was almost as if Peter knew something about him, something he shouldn’t be able to know, seeing as how he was a complete stranger. 

And then there was Dorcas. Regulus could still feel her watching him, her gaze just as sharp and calculating as before. She didn’t seem like one to make a fuss or a big deal out of anything, and she had stayed relatively quiet for most of the evening, but her eyes just lingered on him too long, as if she was trying to puzzle something out. 

He felt a little bit of relief as her gaze flicked over to James, who was knocking back yet another drink, though the relief didn’t last very long as her gaze quickly came right back to Regulus again. She seemed amused by the unspoken tension, her lips twitching in a barely restrained smile.

Marlene, on the other hand, was giggling drunkenly into her glass, barely able to keep her balance even as she was sitting down. 

“Why’s everyone being so serious ?” She slurred with a pout, and leaned against Dorcas who she had mysteriously moved over to when Regulus and James had come back with the drinks. Dorcas only rolled her eyes at the blonde, but didn’t make any effort to move away. 

James, ignoring the glances his teammates kept sending his way, turned to Regulus with a lopsided smile. 

“Another shot, then?” 

Regulus paused. He didn’t like agreeing with James on anything. But right then all he really wanted was to escape, and seeing as leaving apparently wasn’t an option in Pandora’s opinion, then drinking it away would have to be the solution, however unhealthy that might sound.

“Another shot.” Regulus agreed, determined not to back down even if he was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. He tossed it back, the nasty taste momentarily distracting him from the whirlwind of emotions still going berserk inside him. For a moment he could forget it all. James’ teasing, the chaos of the group, the tension between Barty and Evan that he still couldn’t figure out what was even about. 

He was brought right back to reality though when Pandora stood up, her face lit with excitement.

“Let’s dance! ” she announced, grabbing Regulus’ hand before he even had the chance to protest. She dragged him up, laughing as she pulled him towards the open space near the bar. 

“Wait-” Regulus started, but it was no use. Pandora was already moving and he stumbled along behind her. 

Mary followed along behind them, giggling as she pulled James up by the arm. 

“Come on, Potter. You too!” She insisted, tugging him along. James didn’t try to resist, instead he got up, looking slightly wobbly on his feet, a slightly dazed grin on his face as he was pulled away from the table. 

Behind them, Marlene had already latched onto Dorcas, pulling the very reluctant girl onto the makeshift dance floor. Dorcas once again rolled her eyes, when she could no longer resist the endless drunken pulling of her arm, but there was a small, undeniable, amused smile on her face as she finally allowed herself to be led away from the safety of her chair at the table. 

Regulus glanced back at the table just in time to see Barty leaning in to whisper something to Evan with a sly smile. Evan looked around, whispering something back, looking slightly frustrated before they too disappeared into the crowd out of sight.

Peter moved right past the group and toward the bar, looking rather lost in his own thoughts.

When they reached the center of the room, Pandora spun around, her gold jewelry glinting in the lights, and her laughter just as infectious as always. Maybe Regulus would’ve laughed too, if it wasn’t for the fact that he felt nearly terrified being in the middle of dancing bodies, and feeling his own senses start to slow down with the alcohol slowly taking its effects. 

“Lighten up, Regulus!” Pandora laughed, as she saw the horrified look on his face. “You look like you’ve just walked into a death trap.”

Regulus frowned. Yeah, cause that’s what this bloody feels like he was about to say, but before he got the chance Pandora pulled him into a clumsy spin, laughing as she did. He couldn’t help the small, reluctant smile that crept onto his face. He felt horribly out of place, he knew he probably looked as ridiculous as one could, but somehow there was something precious about the moment. A sort of adrenaline rush that passed through him as he slowly started moving along to the rhythm coursing through the floor, the alcohol dulling his irritation just enough to make the situation bearable. 

Just then, James caught his eye across the dancefloor, his grin widening as their gazes met. Regulus couldn’t help but scowl even as something in the pit of his stomach twisted in a way he wasn’t at all used to. It made him feel both irritated and… something else. Something he didn’t recognize. Or maybe he just wasn’t willing to realise it. He didn’t have much time to think about it though before Pandora twirled him around again.

“Come on, Regulus! Just have fun!” She shouted over the music, her eyes twinkling with amusement. 

Regulus still wasn’t really sure if “fun” was the word he would use to explain this chaotic mess, but for the first time that night, he at least didn’t feel entirely horrible. 

The music kept pulsing around them, loud and rhythmic. The kind that made it impossible not to move. Regulus moved stiffly at first, still awkward amidst the swaying bodies around him, trying his best to keep up with Pandora’s unending energy. She danced around him freely, twirling with ease and laughing with no precautions. He couldn’t help but feel slightly unsure, his steps hesitant, his body moving as though it didn’t entirely belong to him, his tipsy state making everything just a tiny bit too bright and a little too loud.

Pandora, seemingly an entirely unstoppable force, spun right back to him and grabbed his hands, pulling him closer.

“Just relax. I promise you, you’re overthinking it.” She shouted over the music, her voice filled with a lightness that made it impossible to be annoyed with her. 

And he did try, he really did. He tried so hard to loosen up his body just slightly. He moved in rhythm to the beat, his body feeling warm and unsteady but he forced himself to keep going, pretending not to care about how ridiculous he might look. He let Pandora pull him deeper into the chaotic swirl around them, trying to keep up with her carefree dancing around. 

Still, despite his best efforts, his eyes would not stop crawling across the dancefloor, towards James.

James was across the floor, dancing along to the music with Mary, who seemed to embody everything that Regulus felt he wasn’t. She was radiant, in a way that felt nearly blinding, her brown curls bouncing as she moved back and forth to the music easily, not looking awkward or even slightly unsure. He skin glowed under the low lights of the bar and there was just this general ease to her. It lied in the way she moved without hesitation, completely comfortable in her own skin.

She looked like belonged there, under coloured lights, with people surrounding her while she somehow made it seem like she was the only important person there. She seemed a natural part of the crowd fitting perfectly into this world of laughter and warmth.

Still, despite his best efforts, his eyes kept straying towards James.

Regulus swallowed, feeling his stomach knotting itself together tighter as the faintest flicker of something stirred in his chest as he watched James with her.

They just look… right together, he thought, a bitter edge creeping its way into the realisation. James, with his effortless charm and unabashed ways, and Mary, with her warm, inciting presence. How could someone like Regulus even begin to compare? He didn’t belong here. He felt like a foreigner in this space, surrounded by people who seemed to know exactly how to be and behave in this environment, while he struggled just to not feel like a complete idiot.

As he watched, James leaned down to say something to Mary. It took only a moment more before she laughed again, her smile bright and full of life as she gave him a playful slap on the shoulder. A pang of that strange feeling flared Regulus’ chest again, though he refused to acknowledge it for what it was. It’s not jealousy or envy, he told himself. It’s… something else. It has to be. He didn’t know what, but it gnawed at him nonetheless, making him feel even more out of place.

Before he could stop it, his gaze was completely locked on James, watching only him intently. He watched how he moved, how he seemed to somehow swallow up everything else around him, making it completely insignificant. Because how was anything else supposed to catch your eye, when James was right there, shining so brightly that it blinded you? It was infuriating. Completely unfair, and really, it was terrifying to Regulus how James seemed to just have this… power over him.

And then, as if feeling the weight of his gaze, James turned his head. Their eyes met, and Regulus just froze, his breath catching in his throat.

James looked slightly surprised at first, clearly not expecting to see Regulus watching him. But then, his expression softened a little, and he sent Regulus a warm drunken smile. A smile so genuine it nearly knocked the wind right out of him.

Regulus immediately averted his gaze, a rush of heat flooding his face. God, what was wrong with him?

He felt slightly like he was going to be sick, suddenly feeling very queasy. Surely, feeling like this just because someone looked at him, couldn’t be healthy. It couldn’t be normal. It’s the alcohol Regulus told himself, though he couldn’t seem to convince himself. It’s just the alcohol making me feel all weird. 

But he could not deny the insistent thudding of his heart, slamming against his ribs as he turned his attention to Pandora who was still dancing with wild abandon. He tried to manually steer his focus back on just moving, on matching her carefree rhythm, but his steps felt even clumsier now somehow.

His body and head was buzzing with too much - alcohol, embarrassment, something else he didn’t want to name - and it was making the room feel a little like it was spinning. He tried to push through it, keeping up with Pandora as best he could, but everything felt like it was always moving just a little faster than he could go.

Then, before he could steady himself and regain his composure, his foot caught on the edge of someone else’s and he stumbled forward, his arms flailing about slightly as he tried to catch his balance again. Before he could hit the ground though, strong hands grabbed him, steadying him instantly. 

And somehow, he knew before even looking.

It was James.

“Careful there, Black,” James said, his voice dripping with teasing amusement. “Can’t have you falling for me just yet.”

It was clearly meant to be a joke. Just a friendly jab, poking fun at the situation. But even then, Regulus’ eyes widened in complete horror. He jerked away as fast as he possibly could from James’ grip, almost as if it had burned him, his heart suddenly pounding for entirely different reasons. 

“I-” He stammered, but no words really came out. He wasn’t sure what to say, the embarrassment overwhelming him. His skin felt hot and sweaty, his entire body flushed with a strange, uncomfortable intensity from the brief contact. He could feel exactly where James’ arms had wrapped around him. He could feel exactly where his fingertips had been and he didn’t know what he wanted more; to savour the feeling or scrub off all his skin just to have it gone. 

James raised an eyebrow, his eyes softening with worry, though his smirk deepened. Somehow he was sending two different signals at once and it only made Regulus feel more dizzy.

“Everything alright?” He said, his own words a little slurred from the good amount of drinks he himself had had that night.

“I’m fine,” Regulus snapped back at him, hating the way his voice sounded. Too sharp, too defensive. 

Without waiting for a response, cause really he didn’t want one, he turned and scurried away, retreating to the edge of the dancefloor where the air felt a little cooler, a little easier to breathe. 

His heart was still racing just as fast, and his mind was nothing but an unintelligible jumble of conflicting emotions - annoyance, shame, and that “Something else”. Something that made him feel strangely hollow. The way James had smiled at him, the way his hands had felt when he steadied him, knowing that none of it was supposed to really mean anything in the long run and yet feeling like it really should… it was too much.

He shot a careful glance back, catching a glimpse of James who had already returned to his dancing with Mary. But this time, Regulus didn’t let himself linger. He didn’t want to think about that look or the warmth of that smile or the way James had made him feel when he caught him staring. It was easier just to shut it out. Just to not think about it at all. 

Regulus felt like all the walls inside the bar were slowly closing in on him. The noise, the bodies, the scent of sweat hanging in the air and te thumping music, it all pressed down on him. 

He needed air. Space. He needed to be anywhere but here. His head was spinning, not just from the alcohol anymore, but from everything. From James.

Especially James.

With heavy unsteady steps he pushed his way off the dancefloor, ignoring Pandora’s questioning look as she twirled away without him. The bathroom - yes that would probably do fine. It was the quickest escape. The quickest and easiest way to get away for just a moment, without anyone asking too many questions. 

Regulus hurried towards the hallway where it was quieter, his pulse still pounding in his ears.

But before he could reach the door, he heard an all too familiar voice calling out from behind him, slightly slurred, cutting through the haze in his mind.

“Don’t leave.”

Regulus halted where he was, his eyes narrowing in irritation as he turned to face him. James looked tousled and tipsy, his hair sticking up more than usual and his grin just a little too carefree. But no matter how messy he looked he still looked gorgeous to Regulus. It angered him to no end.

“I’m not leaving,” Regulus snapped, his voice coming out a little sharper than it needed to. “I’m going to the loo, you tosser.”

James blinked, clearly a little caught off guard.

“Oh…”

Regulus waited for beat more before crossing his arms as he stared at James who just kind of lingered in the hallway, looking like he had something on his mind.

“Well, what is it then?” Regulus pressed. “You followed me all the way over here, so, what is it you want to say? And please, make it quick. Your Presence really grates on me.”

James’ grin faltered, replaced by a slightly wounded expression and a pout. 

“You’re so mean.” He said, sounding more like a petulant toddler than anything else.

Regulus huffed, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, well, only to you.”

There was a long pause then, every tense emotion between them just thickening as they stood silently in the dimly lit hallway, the thudding bass of the music faintly booming out somewhere behind them. 

James shifted awkwardly, his feet dragging across the floor. 

“You just look… well, you look so different tonight in the new outfit.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow, not at all impressed with that answer.

“You saying i look stupid?”

“No, that’s not what I-” James started, but Regulus cut him off.

“Oh, piss off, it’s alright.” Regulus said, not wanting to hear whatever stupid excuse James had in mind. “I look stupid. I never should’ve let Pandora pick my outfit. If i knew it’d make me look this ridiculous, i’d-”

“ No, Reggie… no.” James interrupted right back, his voice firm as he shook his head in disagreement. “You look…” He started, looking at Regulus, taking in the outfit. Then he paused, as if he was hesitating. As if he was debating on whether or not to say what he was thinking. For a moment he just looked up at Regulus’ face and then down at his outfit again before answering. “Well, you look good.”

Regulus blinked, momentarily feeling completely stunned. 

“What?”

James looked slightly embarrassed, even in his drunk state, as he scratched the back of his neck and stumbled slightly where he stood.

“I wanted to tell you… you look really good in your new outfit. Actually… you always look good, honestly. It’s a bit annoying. But this new look… i like it.” He mumbled.

Regulus stared at him, trying to process the words. They had come out fast, like some dam had broken inside James and suddenly all his thoughts were just flooding out. Maybe that was what was happening. He did seem drunk enough to have something like that happen. Still, Regulus couldn’t wrap his head around it. He couldn’t make it make sense. None of it made any fucking sense.

“You’re drunk,” Regulus said flatly, brushing off the compliment. Because it was much easier to just pretend it was never serious in the first place than hoping it might actually mean something. 

James’ grin widened slightly then, suddenly looking even drunker, as he shrugged.

“Maybe i am. That mean i can’t tell you you look good?”

“No,” Regulus muttered, “It just means i can’t trust a word that comes out of your flapping mouth.”

James let out a small groan of frustration. 

“Come on, I’m being honest, Reg, I swear,” James insisted, holding up his pinky finger as if he was some kid trying to make a promise. Regulus only swatted his hand away, scowling. 

“Right,” Regulus said dryly. “Then how about you tell me when you can walk straight, hm?” He shot James a sarcastic smile, about to turn around but once again James was quicker.

“Oh, stop it.”

“Stop what ?” Regulus said sharply, growing annoyed with the conversation quickly.

“Doing that !” James exclaimed, throwing his hands up to gesture at Regulus wildly, his voice laced with frustration. “You’re always just… you’re so mean… you always reject me when i’m just trying to be kind.”

Regulus could feel his anger flare at that. Because of course it all just had to be about James. Of course Regulus was the bad guy here.

“Well, excuse me, James,” Regulus shot back, his voice dripping cruel sarcasm, “But has it ever occurred to you that i never asked for your oh-so-gracious kindness?”

James groaned, throwing his hands up in defeated frustration.

“No. No ! Stop. You’re doing it again.”

Regulus let out an annoyed huff of air.

“Well then, nice talk. See you later, hm?” He sneered.

He turned around, more than ready to storm off and away from the other boy but James yanked him right back, his hand grabbing Regulus’ wrist clumsily and yet with surprising force. Regulus was turned around but immediately yanked his hand back, glaring furiously at James.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” He sneered, feeling his anger getting the better of him.

James sighed, but didn’t make another move to try and touch Regulus, backing off slightly.

“Oh, come on,” James said, his voice a little softer now, almost pleading. “Isn’t there anything i can do to show you i’m being honest here?”

“No,” Regulus replied quickly, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Nothing?” James pressed again, leaning in the tiniest bit, his eyes searching Regulus’ face.

“Nothing.” 

James leaned closer still. Regulus backed up, his senses starting to fail him more and more as James moved closer, every bit of resolve starting to crack with every step forward. Unfortunately for him though, it didn’t take long for his back to hit the wall, trapping him there.

“Nothing at all?” James said, his voice even lower now, almost a whisper.

Regulus swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. He knew it wouldn’t take too much to push James away. Sure, he was stronger than Regulus but he was also about 3 times as drunk. Besides despite how James might be, Regulus didn’t think he’d actually force him to stay anywhere if he really didn’t want to. 

The thing was just, he couldn’t make himself move. He couldn’t make himself push away James. Part of him really wanted to just run. Part of him wanted to flee and pretend none of this ever happened. But another part him - a surprisingly strong part - didn’t want to leave. It wanted to see what James was going on about, what he was going to do.

Regulus took a second more to catch his breath and compose himself before saying hoarsely.

“... Nothing.”

For a moment, there was just silence. Regulus could feel James’ breath on his skin with how much he had moved forward, the closeness between them suffocating, overwhelming, but also… thrilling. James smelled of booze and men’s cologne, something woody but also fresh. The scents were polar opposites but somehow they swirled into a mix of something both suffocating and intoxicating. Regulus’ mind was a whirlwind of confusion, want and anger, three warring forces battling inside of him.

James’ voice cut through the silence, soft and vulnerable, but the words he said made Regulus stiffen even more than he already had.

“... I really want to kiss you… Can i kiss you? Please?”

Regulus felt his heart coming to a halt inside his chest. He was pretty sure he might just die of a heart attack right then but, no, that wasn’t what happened. No force pulled away from the moment and instead he was stuck with James still waiting in front of him, his eyes glossy as they flicked from his eyes to his lips, lingering there just a bit longer before he looked up again. Regulus just stared at James, his mind screaming at him to say no, to push him away, to stop this madness. But his body, his heart… it betrayed him. The want, the longing he’d buried for so long surged to the surface with a vengeance, pulling him toward James like a magnet.

Regulus felt himself leaning in, just the slightest movement, but enough to feel the pull. Then his mind snapped back into control, and he jerked his head away, his voice sharp as a blade even though he was clearly a little out of breath.

“James, piss off. You’re drunk. I’m not one of your mates.”

James’ expression didn’t change. His eyes remained locked on Regulus, steady, determined. 

“I know you’re not.” He said simply. Really it was such a stupid statement, and not one that really confirmed nor denied anything. But to Regulus it somehow made so much sense. It meant so much and suddenly he had nothing to say. He had no sharp reply, no will left in him to push James away. 

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but quickly closed it again when he felt no words coming out. His eyes, traitorous as always, moved to James’ lips. They looked soft. Too soft. Too inviting. Before he could stop himself he felt a soft gasp escaping his lips because god, he wanted to. He really wanted to. But he felt like he couldn’t. He couldn’t possibly just…

Before he had the chance to think more about it, James leaned in, closing the final distance between them and kissed him.

It was soft, hesitant, and entirely unlike what Regulus had expected. For a split second, Regulus couldn’t help but let himself melt into it. It somehow just felt natural, so right, even if his mind was still screaming at him that it was wrong, wrong, wrong. 

His brain seemed to shortcircuit, responding instinctively to the touch, every thought melting away into meaningless as he felt the warmth of James’ lips against his. 

But just as quickly as it had started, Regulus’ brain finally caught up with his body, and then he was pushing James away again, his heart racing with wild panic.

“James- no… no.” Regulus’ voice was shaky, his breaths coming out in short, uneven gasps. He stepped to the side, away, needing to put as much distance between them as possible.

James looked at him, confusion and hurt flickering across his face, though he made no move to get closer. He stayed where he was, blinking in confusion as though he was trying to will himself out of a daze. 

“No?”

“No, James,” Regulus repeated, more firmly this time, though his chest wouldn’t stop aching with the words. “ This. No- This isn’t going to happen, alright?”

“But Reg-” James started, his hand coming up as though he was reaching out to touch him again. Suddenly Regulus was full on panicking again, stepping back quickly.

“I said no !” Regulus barked, his voice louder than he intended, filled with a mixture of anger and desperation.

Before James could say another word, Regulus turned and stormed off, heading for the door to the outside this time, the echo of his heartbeat thundering in his ears and matching the tempo of his hurried steps. He didn’t dare look back, afraid of what seeing James standing there looking after him might do. He couldn’t. Not after what had just happened.

He hated how much he wanted to.

Regulus pushed through the heavy bar doors when he reached them, gasping loudly as the cold night air hit him like a sharp slap to the face. He stumbled forward, his breaths coming faster, nearly panting as he tried to get away from it all - James, the noise, the overwhelming tension that had gripped him from the moment they touched. 

The weight of everything bore down into him, and it took everything inside of him to just keep moving, to keep pushing past the raw mess of all the emotions swirling inside.

He found a bench near the corner of the street and collapsed onto it, his head tilting up towards the sky as he tried catching his breath, as if the stars could somehow offer him solace. 

The night was still and vast. It was quiet outside. Peaceful. Standing in stark contrast to the chaos inside his head and body. The sky was painted in dark shades of blue and black, with only a few scattered stars managing to cut through the city’s light pollution. Regulus tried to focus on that, on the peaceful expanse above, trying to still his racing mind. 

None of it worked.

James’ face, his voice, the way he’d so easily said I really want to kiss you , his touch, the kiss - it all came flooding right back to him like a tidal wave crashing against all his defences.

Regulus’ chest tightened painfully, so he squeezed his eyes shut trying to shut everything out.

He didn’t understand any of it. And he didn’t want to feel any of it. The want, the confusion, the burning desire he’d spent weeks trying to deny - he wished it would all just disappear.

But it wouldn’t. It clung to him, heavy and suffocating, refusing to let him breathe.

So much change had been forced onto him the last year and he didn’t want anything to change. He didn’t want himself to change. But it was like he couldn’t help it. James softened something inside him, loosened him up, bending and twisting all the things he thought he knew, who he thought he was, until it was snapping amd breaking. And he despised him for it.

He felt the first tear slipping down his cheek, and angrily reached up to wipe it away, furious at himself for breaking down like this. Crying over fucking James. What had he become?

He could hear his mom’s nagging voice in the back of his head, just as cold and condescending as always.

This is why you never do anything right, Regulus. You’re weak. You’re pathetic. This is why Sirius left you. And who can blame him? Who would want such a pathetic whiny someone as their brother? You should be ashamed.

No. No. He told himself. He couldn’t do this to himself. Not again. Now now. He might be feeling like shit but putting himself down would never work, it’d only make things work.

So instead he directed all his anger at James. He thought about his pretty eyes, his full lips, his smile, the way he moved through life as if nothing at all could touch him and he felt disgust twisting in his stomach at how badly he yearned for every single factor. How badly he yearned for James. James to look at him, to see him, to touch him. He hated James and yet, it felt like he didn’t know how to not want James.

He sat there stewing in his own misery for what felt like forever, his mind a mess of thoughts he couldn’t quite untangle. He was so caught up in the mess of it all that he barely noticed when someone rounded the corner, their footsteps light and cautious.

It wasn’t until the person stopped, looking around as if they were up to something suspicious that Regulus truly registered he wasn’t alone anymore.

Startled, he quickly wiped at his face again, desperate to hide any sign of emotion.

When he looked up however he wasn’t prepared to see Evan standing under the faint streetlight, looking slightly dishevelled and more than a little shady.

When his eyes landed on Regulus, he jumped a little, clearly not expecting to see anyone there.

“Shit, Regulus… you scared me there,” Evan said, his voice breathy with surprise.

Regulus looked away, muttering something unintelligible under his breath, an excuse perhaps, he wasn’t sure himself, he was still trying to gather himself.

Evan hesitated for a moment, then glanced around, as if checking if anyone else was nearby.

“You here alone?” He asked and though his tone was casual enough Regulus was no fool, he could hear how it was tinged with something more.

Regulus furrowed his brow, now slightly suspicious.

“Yeah… why?” He studied Evan for a beat, noting the slight twitch in his expression and how he seemed much jumpier than usual. In fact he’d been jumpy all evening. “Where’ve you been?”

Evan shrugged - though it came off a little forced - his eyes flicking away, clearly wanting to avoid actually answering the question.

“Nowhere important,” he said, sounding much too vague, a little too nervous.

Regulus huffed, unconvinced by the obvious evasion, but decided not to push it further. It wasn’t like he wanted Evan to ask any questions about where he’d been so it seemed only fair that he let it go. 

They sat in awkward silence for a moment, the quiet of the street standing in stark constrast to the buzzing atmosphere they’d just escaped inside. Regulus leaned back on the bench, his eyes once again drifting up toward the sky, trying to get proper control of himself.

Evan finally broke the silence then with a dry chuckle, and Regulus glanced over.

“What’s so funny?” He asked, tone a little sharper than it probably needed to be, his nerves still on high alert. Evan didn’t seem to pay any mind to it.

“Nothing,” He said, but there was a slight smile tugging at his lips. “Just… i see why Panda likes you.”

Regulus frowned, puzzled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Evan’s smile softened, turning so he could study Regulus for a moment more before he replied.

“You’re all sharp edges so much of the time. And… you’ve got this whole quiet, brooding thing going on. But at the same time you’re funny, in your own way. And really, you’re oddly sweet too. She likes people with hidden charms like that i guess.”

Regulus blinked, thrown off by the strangely sweet and observant reply. He wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he just kind of sat there, quiet again, letting the moment settle between them. 

Before either of them could speak again, the sound of footsteps echoed from around the corner. Regulus turned his head just to see Barty strolling out from the same street Evan had come from, looking equally dishevelled and stomping out a cigarette underneath his boot as he made his way toward the bar.

When he spotted the two of them on the bench, he paused, a smirk immediately creeping its way onto his face.

“Well, well,” Barty drawled, his voice dripping with a strange playful sly kind of tone. His gaze lingered on Evan for just a moment too long, enough to make the blonde squirm a little, Regulus noted. “If it isn’t my two favourite people of the evening,” 

He shot Evan a cryptic look, his smile widening ever so slightly, before turning on his heel and heading inside without waiting for a reply. 

Regulus raised a brow in confusion. He had several questions about that interaction. Firstly, why was he supposed to be one out of the two favourite people Barty had designated for that evening - also who had “favourite people of the evening”?? - and what exactly was going on between Evan and Barty?

Evan visibly tensed, his shoulders stiffening as Barty disappeared back into the bar. Regulus who was still just silently watching him let out a small amused huff finally.

“I guess i got my answer as to where you were,” Regulus teased, a smirk playing on his lips.

Evan shot him a sharp look immedaitely, his face flushing slightly. 

“Don’t.” 

“Oh, don’t worry,” Regulus said, suddenly enjoying himself a little more now that he felt like he had the upper hand. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“Good.” Evan let out sharply, seeming even more tense than before. “Cause i don’t want anyone to know. Especially not Pandora.” 

That caught Regulus off guard, and he found himself tilting his head, puzzled with the specific mention of Pandora. He didn’t see why she shouldn’t know. If anything she had seemed amused when she thought they were flirting earlier but still he just nodded, deciding not to press further on the topic as it was clear Evan wasn’t up for discussing it. Still, the teasing part of him couldn’t resist pushing just a little further.

“I didn’t know Barty was your type, though. You know, all intimidating in a kind of scary way,” Regulus quipped, smirking. 

Evan glared at him, the flush on his cheeks deepening even further.

“I wouldn’t peg James as your type either, but here we are.” 

Regulus’ smirk immediately faltered, dripping in an instant as his face heated up. 

“I- no- what ?”

Evan raised an eyebrow, suddenly seeming amused now that he wasn’t the one to be all flustered. 

“Oh, come on, it’s so obvious.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Regulus muttered, looking away, his heart pounding in his chest.

Evan only smirked, leaning back onto the bench as well with a satisfied huff. 

“Good. Then we both agree. We don’t mention anything about this night to anyone.”

Regulus huffed, a little indignant.

“Fine.”

They sat in silence again for a little while longer, the awkwardness between them starting to ease slightly as they did. Suddenly Regulus almost found himself smiling, despite everything - despite the chaos of everything that had happened, despite his own emotions. Maybe it was the alcohol still making him a little loopy or maybe it was just Evan's way of somehow making things seem lighter with his casual attitude.

Maybe it was something else entirely.

It didn’t take much longer before Pandora came wandering out, her hair a little messy but her expression relaxed as she found Regulus and Evan sitting together on the bench.

“There you two are,” She said with a soft laugh as she brushed a stray curl behind her ear. “I was wondering where you had run off to.”

Regulus straightened where he sat, his mood still a little all over the place.

“Needed som air,” He muttered lowly, glancing away from Pandora who was still smiling at him. For some reason he just couldn’t stand looking her in the eye as he avoided the truth. 

Pandora tilted her head little as she studied him, her gaze too perceptive for Regulus’ comfort. 

“Right…” She said, clearly sensing that something was off, but not pressing any further. “Well, it’s getting late. Should we head off and get you home, Reggie?” 

Regulus hesitated then, looking up at her as he furrowed his brow.

“I can walk myself home.” He said but Pandora wasn’t having it and immediately shook her head with a kind smile.

“Nope. We’re coming with you.” She said, giving Evan a glance which he responded to by muttering a small “oh, yeah, uh, sure” as he nodded.

“Really, i-” Regulus began, intending to refuse the offer again because really, he could not have them come anywhere near his home - especially not after the incident with James - but she raised an eyebrow in challenge.

“Regulus, i’m not letting you walk home all by yourself at this hour.” She said, her tone soft but firm. 

Regulus opened his mouth to argue but thought better of it. He could already see that Pandora wasn’t about to argue with him on this. He definitely didn’t want them going anywhere near his house with him. The mere thought of Pandora or Evan seeing where he lived, or god forbid, catching a glimpse of his family immediately made him tense. So instead he went for the only other option he had.

“How about i text Len and ask to be picked up?” He said, looking up at Pandora who was still studying him. “Is that okay with you?”

Pandora smiled, seeming at least satisfied, though there was still a furrow in her brow as if there was something about it all that still didn’t sit right with here. 

“Deal.” She said. “But we’re waiting with you.” 

Regulus nodded, he could handle that. 

He texted Len a heads up and then Pandora sat down too as they waited under the dim streetlights. Regulus felt the need to stand up, still feeling a little restless. He shifted from foot to foot though, even as he stood, feeling strangely exposed out in the open like this. He kept glancing down the street, hoping to see Len’s car any minute now. Because really, Regulus couldn’t handle much more at this point. As much as he disliked being home, he needed to collapse onto his bed more than he ever had. 

Instead of Len though, James stumbled out of the bar’s entrance, his hair a mess, clearly drunk. His eyes searched around in the dark until they landed on Pandora and Evan and then Regulus, and his face lit up, his steps unsteady as he hurried over.

“Reg,” James called out to him, a little louder than he needed to in the quiet of the night and his voice slurred but warm with that annoyingly sincere charm of his. “Wait. Don’t leave yet.”

Regulus immediately tensed upon seeing him. He glanced over at Pandora and Evan who were both watching the exchange with quiet intrigue. He wanted to scream. This was just about the last thing he needed right now. 

“I’m not interested in whatever you have to say, Potter.” He said through gritted teeth, trying to keep himself together.

James ignored the rebuff, instead walking right up to him and adjusting his glasses that sat slightly askew. 

“Just- just hear me out,” He said, his words a little jumbled but filled with that awful drunken sentimentality. “I-” He stumbled slightly, catching himself, and Regulus felt a flare of frustration. 

“I don’t want to hear it, James.” Regulus snapped, his voice sharper than he intended.

James opened his mouth, looking like he was damn near about to confess and immediately Regulus' gaze fell on the pair of spectators they still had. He saw Pandora looking intently at them, a slight furrow in her brow. He panicked. No no no. He couldn’t have James saying something stupid in front of them or god forbid, try to pull anything like the stunt he pulled inside the bar. So with an annoyed sigh he grabbed James by the forearm and dragged him a little ways down the street, just enough so that he was pretty sure Pandora and Evan wouldn’t be able to hear them.

Lowering his voice a little, he directed his attention back to James and hissed,

“You’re drunk and you’re talking nonsense.”

James only blinked, his brows knitting together in drunken confusion.

“No, I’m not. Well… maybe i am a little, but that doesn’t mean i’m not serious. I just-” His eyes flickered with something too close to tenderness as he paused for a moment. “I don’t want you to go yet. Pandora said you gusy were leaving and i just… i didn’t want to end it on… well this. You’re… you seem angry with me. I don’t want you to be angry with me.”

Regulus’ stomach twisted uncomfortably, his throat tightening, and he hated how guilty he felt even though he tried to force himself not to.

“I’m leaving, James. Whether you like it or not.”

James reached out, grasping his wrist, the warmth of his touch burning against Regulus’ skin. 

“Please,” James pleaded, his low and nearly desperate as he tried searching Regulus’ eyes. “Just… stay a little longer… talk to me. Please. ” 

Regulus could do nothing but look down at where James’ hand was wrapped around his wrist. The heat from it felt like fire. It wasn’t just the alcohol. It was everything. It was everything Regulus had been denying, everything he couldn’t admit to himself. It all burned. It flooded his chest - shame and guilt and anger - and coiled inside of him until he felt like he might suffocate.

With a sudden, sharp movement, Regulus jerked his hand free, as if James’ touch had hurt him.

“Don’t touch me,” He spat, his voice cutting and cruel, lashing out, every nasty feeling of anger and shame being aimed directly at James, before he could stop himself. “I don’t want anything to do with you, James. I thought i’d made that clear.” He knew he was being mean. He was overreacting. But he couldn’t stop it. Right then it felt like he had to prove every shameful thought wrong. He felt like he needed to be mean just to prove to himself that no, he didn’t want james. Not in any way. Not as a friend, not as anything. 

James’ face fell, hurt flashing in his eyes, but Regulus didn’t let himself look at it for long. He stormed away, back toward the street as he saw the headlights of Len’s car finally appearing, his chest heaving with emotions he didn’t want to feel.

Pandora and Evan watched from the sidelines, both of them looking very uncertain. Pandora, especially, looked startled. The two of them exchanged glances but said nothing as Regulus threw himself into the backseat of the car.

Len took one look at him and then his lips pressed into a thin line. Regulus couldn’t stand looking him in the eye. He couldn’t stand to look anyone in the eye right now. He felt dirty and shameful and he didn’t want anyone to see him. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. Len gave him one more brief glance in the rearview mirror but didn’t say a word. He just started pulling off the curb, the engine’s low hum the only sound filling the car as Regulus sank deeper into his seat, glaring out the window, hating the mess of feelings stirring inside him. 

Chapter Text

James awoke to the sensation of something cold slowly making its way down the side of his face and neck. For a moment he just groaned and blinked in confusion, still not fully awake. It only took a split second more though before his brain finally caught up and he promptly sat up with a slightly embarrassingly high-pitched squeal. 

“What the fuck!” He exclaimed, sharply turning his head to look at Sirius who was grinning from ear to ear at him like some kid on Christmas morning. In his right hand, he was still holding the glass that he just used, moments earlier, to pour cold water out onto James. 

Sirius only let out a small giggle and brought the glass to his lips to take a sip. 

When he was finished drinking he let out an exaggerated sigh of satisfaction before drawling in a tone so overly sweet and mocking it was nearly enraging,

“Good morning, princess,” 

"Sirius, i swear to god-" James started, grumpy and irritated, but before he could manage to start a fight, he was interrupted.

“Be nice to the poor guy, Sirius. He probably feels horrible enough without you torturing him,” Remus chuckled from where James found him to be leaning against the open doorway, with his arms crossed. And though his tone was a little reprimanding - because, really, Remus had a certain way of always sounding a little stern, yet calm, almost like a teacher - his amused smile betrayed him. It told James that Remus, too, found his discomfort at least a little entertaining. James wanted to punch the both of them.

As annoyed as James was though, Remus was right - as he usually was. James did feel like shit. About two seconds passed before he was already sprinting toward the bathroom to puke his guts out. 

“Fun night out?” Sirius questioned as he slid into the doorway of the bathroom with a sly smile and a laugh to watch James chunder.

“Shut it, will you?” James muttered before spitting into the toilet, trying to shoot a glare at Sirius but failing horribly in doing so as he was very abruptly interrupted by another sudden burst of gut-churning nausea. 

Sirius didn’t even acknowledge the fact that James was actively retching and letting out all the contents in his stomach. Instead, he just fixed James with that same old sly Sirius Black grin. James had seen it so many times before and he knew better than anyone that it meant nothing but trouble. 

“Oh, I would. I really would, James." he started, his tone mockingly sympathetic. "But you see, I just have… a couple questions.” 

James sighed, the sound echoing in the toilet bowl, before getting up slowly and flushing the remainder of last nights meal down the toilet. 

“Gimme’ a second, will you, Pads?” James practically pleaded with a tired sigh, pushing past Sirius in the doorway to head down into the kitchen. Sirius only followed closely behind him down the stairs. 

“Not a chance.” He chuckled. “Not after the little show you put on last night.”

“Show?” James said, suddenly growing nervous as it began to register slowly, that he couldn’t really remember much of last night. He remembered heading down to the bar with his friends, as they had done so many times before. He remembered drinking... a lot. He remembered dancing, and laughing and Regulus. Oh, Regulus . He remembered seeing him, and recalled the feeling of being caught completely off guard.

He had been shocked to see him in general of course but it had been more than that. Yes, that's right, Regulus had worn that outfit. Something so unlike what James had ever seen him in. He had looked so different, so much more vulnerable somehow. He had looked so… well, beautiful. There really wasn’t any other word to properly encompass Regulus in that moment. 

After that though, the night started growing blurrier in James' mind until eventually it just faded out into small glimpses he couldn’t decipher. 

“How did I get home?” James asked, rubbing at his temples, hoping to ease the throbbing ache, as Remus set down a plate of toast in front of him, with a slightly sympathetic smile.

“Peter brought you here,” Remus said, moving back to where he was still making bacon on the sizzling pan, filling the room with a smell, that despite being rather pleasant, made James who was still amid his hangover feel a little queasy.

“You really should call and thank him. Looked like a great hassle to carry your arse up the stairs, you know,” Sirius teased, before moving over to press play on the record player, the soft hum of a David Bowie song sounding out, only adding to James’ splitting headache. Sirius seemed to pay no mind to the irritated noise James made at the decision, instead he just kept talking. “But we have more important things to discuss with you, young man.” He said, with an overly serious tone, turning his sharp grin toward James again, along with an accusatory pointed finger. 

James looked to Remus for some help but the traitor only laughed and looked away innocently, clearly too amused by James' misfortune to do anything about it. 

So instead James just sighed, tired and defeated, and turned to Sirius who was still grinning like the Cheshire cat. 

“Alright, what is it, you drama queen?” James sighed.

“You never did tell us about your crush, James.” Sirius drawled as he slowly dragged out a chair from the table to sit in.

James stiffened noticeably at that. He had hoped they’d all collectively forgotten about that conversation. Because that wasn’t just something James couldn’t discuss with Remus and Sirius, because he had been stupid enough to let himself be pulled under the tidal wave of confusing emotions that followed Regulus, the one and only person he should be staying far away from.  No, it was something else too. 

It was the fact that James couldn’t be having this discussion when it was the one thing he hadn’t even let himself think about, let alone properly process. His feelings for Regulus were… complicated. That much was obvious. But whatever they were, James was set on burying them down.

Regulus was interesting. He was funny in a way James was pretty sure the boy didn’t even realise himself. He was complicated, sometimes opening up the tiniest bit only to push James out completely again. And then he was beautiful. Beautiful in the kind of way that he could cast just one look at James and suddenly the world around felt so much smaller and the ground beneath his feet suddenly a little unsteady. 

He was so beautiful, like a Greek god or a siren sent to be his downfall, and James had to keep pretending he didn’t see it. Because if he let himself be pulled into the depths of that beauty he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to get out again.

And James had to snap out of whatever daze he was caught in if he wanted to have even the slightest chance of fixing things. He had to stay level-headed, rational, and going around thinking Regulus was beautiful was none of those things.

“I’m pretty sure I did tell you,” James said, keeping his gaze on the plate in front of him. “I told you I didn’t have any crush.”

Sirius only snorted in his seat, making James look up.

“Oh, sure. That’s just not what you said last night.” Sirius said, before pinning James with a look that told him, the smug bastard him right where he wanted him. Trapped.

Mortified, James looked to Remus who was still leaning on the kitchen counter close by. 

“He’s bluffing, isn’t he?” James asked, practically begging for that to be the case.

Remus only grinned, clearly entertained, and shrugged.

“You were pretty talkative, James.”

James groaned, steadily growing even more tired if that was even possible.

“You sure were,” Sirius singsonged before throwing himself into a pose with his hand above his forehead so he looked like some damsel in distress. “‘ He’s sooo pretty! Oh, how is it possible for him to be so pretty? Did you see him, Peter? Did you see what he looked like? Oh he was so gorgeous, I could die!’” Sirius mocked as James could do nothing but watch, his blood suddenly running cold. 

“I did not say that!” James exclaimed.

Did he really say that? 

“You kinda did, mate.” Remus chuckled from the sideline though he at least had the decency to look slightly more sympathetic.

James felt frozen, stuck in place, his stomach lurching as he thought of Sirius’ impression of him.

Oh no… no, no, no. 

He felt like he had been barely keeping things together as it was, and now he had to deal with this . He couldn’t even remember most of last night for crying out loud, and now it suddenly turned out he’d gone and just blabbered about everything - to Peter, of all people - and in front of Remus and Sirius. 

Dear god, just kill me now James thought to himself.

“I- I didn’t-” James stammered, his panic starting to take hold of him. “There’s no way I said that.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced by James’ poor attempt at denial, his grin all teeth. 

“Oh, but you did, Jamie. Loud enough to wake half the complex too.”

James could feel his mind racing a thousand miles an hour, his throbbing headache worsening by the second. The tips of his ears burned, and his heart was hammering away in his chest. But no matter how hard he tried to just remember, the memories of the previous night stayed frustratingly blurry. Of course Sirius would see this as his opportunity to pounce on James.

“Maybe not in those exact words,” Remus chimed in. His smile was a touch softer than Sirius’ but still just as entertained as he ever so calmly stirred his tea. “But close enough.”

James buried his face in his hands then, trying to block out their voices and teasing smiles.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Sirius leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table as he stared at James with barely contained, nearly childish, glee. 

“I mean, I don’t blame you for swooning,” He said, cocking his head in that annoying 'I’ve got you now' way that only Sirius could truly muster. “I mean whoever this mystery crush is, he sounds like he’s got it all!” 

“There is no crush,” James muttered, his voice restrained as he lifted his head just enough to glare at Sirius. “I don’t have a crush.” 

Sirius tilted his head ever so slightly more, his eyes still twinkling with mischief.

“You sure about that? Because last night it was all ‘ He’s so pretty’ this, ‘ did you see him, Peter?’ that.”

“Stop it! There’s no way I said that!” James nearly yelled in pure horror.

“Oh, you absolutely did!” 

James turned to Remus again in complete desperation.

“He has to be joking, right? Tell me he’s joking.” James tried.

Remus just shrugged, bringing his teacup up to take a sip, observant brown eyes glinting over the rim of it.

“Sorry, James.” He chuckled.

“I’m going to die,” James groaned, dropping his head onto the table while considering whether or not he could just convince Sirius, he needed to barf again, to get out of the conversation.

Sirius let out a mockingly exaggerated sigh, and slumped down in his chair, dramatically.

“Come on, James. We’re your best mates. You can tell us. Who's the dream boy?” He said before adding with a sly smile. “You’ve been keeping us waiting for far too long anyway.” 

James raised his head again then, but just enough to shoot Sirius a venomous look, his headache starting to really get the better of him.

“There’s nothing to tell. You’re just being an overly nosy twat.”

“Oh, so touchy, ” Sirius giggled, his voice taking on that infuriatingly smug tone, he had always mastered. Normally James found it amusing but maybe that was just because, normally it wasn’t directed at him. “Which means I’m right, doesn’t it?”

James opened his mouth to retort, his frustration starting to boil over because as much as he loved Sirius like a brother, they really could bicker just like actual siblings could as well. Remus, ever the voice of reason, must have sensed where the conversation was headed because he quickly stepped in with a calm, amused expression.

“I think he’s had enough, Pads. You’ll break him.” 

"Oh, come on!" Sirius said, his attention immediately turning to Remus again. "Don't act all holy, you want to know too!"

Remus rolled eyes but still smiled.

"Of course i do, but look at the guy," He said, bringing up his arms to gesture at James. "He looks worse for wear than your dusty old leather jacket."

Immediately Sirius made a big face, so offended over his favorite article of clothing being insulted it was nearly comical.

"Oh have some respect! I've had that jacket since i was seventeen, you know."

Remus shot him narrow eyed glance.

"My point exactly."

The pair then continued some sort of strange silent staring match that Sirius must have lost at some point because eventually he huffed dramatically and sat back in his chair.

"Fine. You win. James gets to keep his secrets for now. But don't think for even a second that this conversation is over." He said, throwing up his hands in surrender, before shooting James another look. A warning. 'I'm going to figure out what you're hiding, whether you want it or not,' was what it said. James was sure it wasn't actually meant to be as horrifying as it felt, but the truth was, that right then there was nothing James was more terrified of than Sirius finding out about Regulus. Most terrifying part of it was, he knew Sirius could figure it out if he really did wish to. He was smart enough. it wouldn't take too long. James was just counting on the notion that Sirius would at least respect his privacy enough for just a little while longer, until James could figure out how to fix this mess of a situation.

But at least, it seemed Sirius was backing off for now, even if the teasing glint in his eyes hadn't faded yet.

James let out a heavy sigh of relief, though his reprieve didn’t last very long. He stood up in one stiff movement, trying to ignore the flush that must still adorn his cheeks, judging by how he still felt them burning.

“I’m going to call Peter,” He muttered, quickly heading for the stairs before Sirius could start up again.

“Say hi from me and Sirius!” Remus called out with Sirius quick to follow up after him, with laughter in his voice.

“Be sure to thank him for dragging your drunk arse home too!”

James barely acknowledged them, more focused on rushing up the stairs. He reached his room and immediately collapsed onto his bed, fumbling for his phone as the mortification of it all hit him full force again.

Peter answered the call after the second ring. 

“Hey, James,” Peter said, sounding quite groggy himself.

“Rough night?” James asked, suddenly feeling a little more guilty about Peter having had to deal with him the previous night.

“Nah, it was fine,” Peter murmured through a yawn. “Sybill picked me up from your place after you were safely tucked into bed.”

James couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips then. Sybill really was one of the nicest people he had ever met.

“Well, tell her I said hi,” 

“I will,” Peter said, his voice automatically softening at the topic of his girlfriend. James could practically hear the smile in his friend’s voice and as much as he hated to ruin the moment he just needed his questions about last night answered.

“Yeah, about last night though,” James muttered, sitting up in his bed. “What the hell happened? Sirius just told me I was blabbering about… someone when we got in.” 

Peter let out a small, knowing laugh on the other end.

“Ah, so he already got back to you about that, huh?”

James groaned, his stomach twisting again.

“ What did I say, Pete?”

There was a brief pause until eventually, Peter sighed.

“You were pretty out of it, mate. Kept going on about Regulus on the way back.”

James’ heart felt like it slammed to a halt, his worst fears being confirmed in an instant.

“Oh god, please tell me I didn’t say all that I think I did.”

Peter’s laugh came out softer this time around, perhaps a bit more sympathetic. 

“Pretty sure you did. Multiple times. Had to drag you up to your room once we got back just so you wouldn’t say something you’d regret in front of Sirius.”

James groaned again, feeling more and more frustrated with himself as he fell back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I swear to god I’m never drinking again.”

“Probably a good idea,” Peter chuckled, though his voice turned more serious after a moment. “But, James… what’s really going on with you and Regulus?”

James’ throat tightened, and he had to just grit his teeth and hold his breath for a few seconds before he could get out an answer.

“Nothing.”

“Really?” Peter sounded sceptical. “Because it sure didn’t sound like nothing last night. I mean, mate, I had to fend off Sirius like a bloody guard dog. He’s suspicious. You’re not exactly hiding it well.”

James squeezed his eyes shut as Peter’s words resonated somewhere uncomfortable and heavy in his chest.

“There’s nothing to hide besides me talking to him.”

Peter was quiet for a moment.

“Look, James, I mean this in the nicest way possible, yeah? It’s… well, it’s quite obvious you’re into him.”

“I’m not,” James said quickly. Way too quickly, actually. “He’s just- He’s-” He struggled greatly, trying to find the right words, his panic rising again. “He’s not -... I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet, alright? But it’s-”

“It’s not nothing .” Peter finished for him before James himself could come up with another dumb excuse. “James, you’re my friend, and you’ve been acting strange about this guy. You need to figure out what you’re really doing with this before Sirius or Remus get too curious and decide to figure it out themselves. You need to figure it out before you do something stupid.”

James flinched at the quiet warning in Peter’s voice.

“I’m not going to do anything stupid,” He said, but the words sounded hollow even to him. Peter just sighed.

“Look… I’m not going to tell Sirius anything. But you need to think this over. You know how he is. He’ll figure it out eventually, and when he does…” Peter trailed off then, the implication clear even if he didn’t voice it.

James’ chest only tightened further.

“Yeah, I know, Pete. Thanks.”

Peter’s voice softened again.

“Just… be careful, alright? This isn’t something you can afford to mess around with.”

James swallowed hard because he knew that already. He did. He just didn’t know how to follow up on that when it seemed like his entire system, his moral compass, and his feeling of right and wrong, shortcircuited every time he was within sight of Regulus.

“I won’t. I promise."

There was a lingering pause, and then Peter’s voice lightened, though the concern remained.

“Good. And next time, try not to get so plastered that I have to save your arse again, yeah?”

James let out a weak laugh in response, trying his best to find the humor within him even if he didn’t feel very joyous right then at all.

“I’ll do my best.”

When he hung up, James stared at his phone for a long moment, the knot in his chest refusing to loosen up. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but one thing was certain.

This was a mess he couldn’t keep running from.

He laid in his bed for a good while longer, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do with this mess of a situation. His hangover was still quite awful and normally that would have James moping around in the flat like a sloth until it subsided.

Today James didn’t even dare hang out in the kitchen. Because, yes, Sirius had decided to let the questions go for now, but who was to say when he’d suddenly get tired of waiting? James wanted to postpone that for as long as he could.

So, despite his stomach still churning uncomfortably and his head still pounding, he stayed put.

It was laughable honestly. Pathetically, horribly laughable what this had come to. James hated it. He hated having to lie to his friends, to his best friend. He hated feeling like he had to walk on tippy-toes around the one person he had always felt comfortable with. The one person he had always told everything to. 

He wondered briefly whether he should just let it go. He could just tell his mother he couldn’t do it anymore, that practising with Regulus was getting in the way of his hockey practices, and that he didn’t have the time anymore. She wouldn’t blame him, he thought. She would probably be more than happy that he was prioritising himself for once, instead of helping out where he could. He didn’t think Regulus would mind much either. He had spent the entire time he had known James, making it very clear just how much he detested just the sight of him, how much he didn’t want his help.

But at the same time, the answer was so clear in James’ mind. He couldn’t let go of it. Not now. He had gotten too far deep into it. It wasn’t just about helping Sirius with his relationship with his brother anymore. It was about helping Regulus too. James didn’t think he could live with himself, with having to remember the look on Regulus’ face whenever he didn’t think anyone was watching him; cold and empty, so so empty. It was heartbreaking. James couldn’t just leave him like that, even if Regulus himself didn’t want his help. And then there was also the part of James, the part he wished would shut up, that couldn’t bear leaving Regulus now because of… something else.

Something he wasn’t going to say out loud. Something he wouldn’t even dare think. And yet it was still there, keeping him in the same spot, refusing to let him move along. 

When James got too tired of laying around he instead decided to head down to the one place where he could escape the rest of the world - the rink. He just needed to clear his head from the chaos of everything that had happened since the night before.

Of course, though, he didn’t get very far with his plan, stopping as soon as he stepped inside the cold, crisp air of the rink and saw him. 

Regulus.

There on the ice gliding across it with nothing but effortless grace as usual, Regulus was. He moved like something straight out of a dream. Thin, nimble limbs extending and retracting to create beautiful lines. He wasn’t just skating, James thought - he was floating. The only thing tethering him to reality being the sharp sound of his blades cutting through the ice, echoing throughout the room. 

His movements were fluid, like a feather carried by the wind, every twist and turn precise as if he was dancing with the air itself.

James watched, finding himself completely mesmerized, as he always seemed to be whenever he let himself really look at Regulus. It felt like he could barely breathe as Regulus spun once, then twice, landing softly as though gravity simply did not apply to him.

The bright lights of the rink cast a harsh yet beautiful glow over his figure. It caught in the dark curls of his hair, making it shimmer like ink in water. His pale skin stood out against the backdrop of the ice, his cheeks a slightly flushed pink from the cold and the exertion.

He was gorgeous in a way that made James’ entire heart ache. He was something otherworldly, untouchable. Like an illusion. James was almost afraid he’d disappear if he blinked because it sure felt like it couldn’t be real. He just couldn’t be real. But even as James’ eyes grew so watery he had to force them shut, Regulus was still there as he opened them. Still skating just as beautifully, still looking just as unfairly pretty, still paying James absolutely no mind, caught up in his practice.

It was almost ridiculous, really, how just watching Regulus skate could somehow make the rest of the world seem so insignificant. How his presence alone seemed to just force everything else into the background. The weight of James’ present was still threatening to pull him under, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

What the hell has gotten into me? 

James quietly sat down in the stands, Regulus not having noticed him yet, and let out a small sigh. He was stuck between wanting to figure out what all these feelings meant and also wanting to bury them so deep that they’d never see the light of day.

He had no idea how long he just sat there, but he was startled right out of his thoughts when someone slid into the seat next to him.

“James, right?”

James jerked, eyes widening as he whipped his head around to see a blonde with curly hair and ivory skin sitting beside him, her plump lips curling into a soft, knowing smile. It took him a second to place her, but then it clicked.

“Uh, yeah, you’re, um… Pandora, right? Regulus’ friend?”

Pandora hummed, her smile widening slightly as she leaned back in her seat. 

“Correct.”

There was something strangely sharp beneath her friendly exterior like she was quietly testing or teasing him.

“Do you normally hang around and watch all the figure skaters here, or is Regulus just special?”

James, blinked, having been caught completely off guard by her question and the clear implication within it. To be fair though he had been staring for… well, a while. He wasn’t even sure how long himself. It was rather strange.

“Ah, no-” He sputtered with a nervous sound, somewhere between a laugh and a cough. “I just came here early and, uh, decided to wait till he was finished. Wouldn’t want to disturb… you know.”

Pandora tilted her head the tiniest bit, a small hum escaping her lips as she nodded slowly. Her expression was still polite, but her small amused smile told him she didn’t believe his explanation for even a second. 

“Mhm.” She said, dragging out the sound. 

James swallowed past the lump in his throat, trying to compose himself, but it was nearly impossible to focus when Regulus was still gliding across the ice, completely oblivious, a living vision of elegance.

Pandora broke the trance again, James realising his eyes had betrayed him because he was staring right at Regulus just like before.

“He’s really good isn’t he?” She said, looking toward Regulus as well. Her tone was softer this time, and James wasn’t completely sure what to make of it.

He nodded, still a little dazed.

“Yeah… he is.”

He turned his head then, just in time to see Pandora looking at him with that same knowing smile again.

“He makes you feel things doesn’t he?” Pandora asked calmly and James had to just stare at her as he comprehended her words.

“...What?” He asked, panic rising to his throat because no, she couldn’t know… could she? He needed her not to know. 

“His skating, I mean,” Pandora said in clarification, and James nearly let out a sigh of relief. “His skating makes you feel things, right? It’s… moving.” She explained, but James couldn’t help but look at the way she was trying to stifle a laugh and feel like the double meaning of her earlier question might not have been entirely unintentional.

“Yeah, uh, it’s… it’s fascinating.” James managed to stutter out in the end. Pandora smiled again and then turned to watch Regulus too, her expression immediately growing softer.

“You know,” She began, her tone immediately fonder, eyes following Regulus as he carved his path across the ice, “Skating might be the only time I’ve seen Regulus letting anyone see him.”

James blinked, turning to her with a slight frown.

“What do you mean?”

Pandora’s smile was small, but there was something almost secretive in it now. 

“It’s when he lets his guard down, just a little. You can almost see what he feels out there, what he’s really like underneath all of it. Underneath the armour, he wears around people.”

James followed her gaze to where Regulus was now spinning effortlessly. He watched his movements, sharp and precise, but sure enough, just as Pandora said, there was something else too. A glint of a kind of energy that pulsed beneath all the perfect form. It wasn’t just about technique, it was something small and vulnerable. Something personal, in every small turn of his head, of where he looked, which movements he hesitated with, when he decided to take his breaths, and when he’d hold it. It was as if each movement held a meaning, something he wouldn’t ever say out loud. 

For a split second, James was caught off guard by how deeply it resonated within him. Regulus wasn’t just skating; he was communicating. Speaking a language from his soul in a way that only the ice allowed him to. 

Pandora’s voice was quieter now, almost as if she was speaking more to herself than James.

“Even so… I think he’s still holding back a lot. Like he’s afraid to let go.”

James frowned and turned to her again

“Holding back? But he looks… I mean, he’s perfect out there.”

Pandora let out a soft sigh then along with a bittersweet smile, her eyes never once leaving Regulus.

“That’s just it. He needs it to be perfect. I think…” She bit her lip for a moment as if she wasn’t sure whether she should continue or not. “I don’t think he thinks he’s enough if he isn’t.” She paused again, her eyes glinting with something James couldn’t place. “Letting yourself be imperfect… that’s vulnerable. And… I don’t think anyone ever really taught Regulus how to be content with that. How to be comfortable in being vulnerable.”

James’ chest tightened as he watched Regulus again, each movement flawless, every detail in place. It was beautiful, yes, but now he could recognise it. That undercurrent of tension. Like even in this moment Regulus couldn’t let go of the need to control everything closely. 

Suddenly he saw the frustration in his eyes, the desperation right before he went into a jump, the way his hands shook slightly, the way his jaw clenched and unclenched whenever he didn’t think something was good enough. Slowly he started to see the imperfections. And somehow… it only made Regulus even more beautiful to him. But still, it made James’ heartache in a way he couldn’t truly understand. 

“I don’t think I get it,” James muttered almost to himself. Because he didn’t get it. He didn’t understand how Regulus of all people, was supposed to be inadequate, “Not enough”. If anything Regulus was too much for James. Too perfect, too beautiful, too bright, too… “How could anyone like him think he’s not good enough?”

Pandora turned her head slowly to glance at him, her eyes softening even more, though the knowing smile never really left her lips-

“It’s hard to look in the mirror, really look at it, when you’re afraid of what you’ll see.”

James just stared at her, his brow furrowing in confusion.

“What does that mean?”

Her smirk widened, turning a little more enigmatic as if she was secretly enjoying keeping him in the dark.

“It means that James… you being here? It matters. It matters more than you think.”

James felt a flicker of something he couldn’t quite comprehend, his gaze darting between her and Regulus.

“I don’t understand,” He sighed finally, feeling more than a little frustrated that Pandora was seemingly adamant about speaking in riddles.

Pandora’s eyes only gleamed, her smile tilting into something almost mischievous, though her voice remained just as light as before. 

“You will. Eventually.”

James opened his mouth to ask more but Pandora only gave him one last cryptic smile and watched Regulus skate again as if the conversation was already over. 

Her words were stuck in James’ mind though, leaving him more confused than before. 

Why did it matter that he was here? What was she not telling him?

He looked to Regulus again, his heart giving a strange twist.

Whatever it was, he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was something he was about to learn the hard way. 

Pandora continued watching Regulus and James just followed suit, gazing at the boy too.

Finally, after a particularly stunning spin, Regulus skated off to the side, plucking out a piece of earbuds from his ears. Pandora watched him do so and then stood up smoothly, sliding out of her seat.

“I better go,” She muttered, offering James one last knowing look before heading down to greet Regulus. James watched them from his seat, still feeling quite dazed. Pandora approached Regulus with a warm smile, and as Regulus saw her and returned the smile, James watched something something flicker in his expression that he’d never seen before. Suddenly, there was a softness, something that managed to at least partially melt the ice in his gaze, and it made James’ heart twist in the strangest way.

Regulus’ cheeks were tinged a soft red from exertion, his breath coming out in short puffs of air, and for a moment, James was struck speechless again for the thousandth time by how… perfect he looked. Too perfect.

Regulus was laughing at something Pandora said and his whole face was lighting up in a way that made James’ breath catch.

And then, with a sudden jolt of panic, James realised he should probably move. He slid out of his seat, reached for his bag, and made his way down to say hey, trying to act casual. But the moment Regulus spotted him approaching, his entire demeanor shifted. 

James watched in complete confusion as Regulus’ entire body stiffened, his smile vanishing as a flash of what looked like horror crossed his features. James was certain he had to be seeing things because it even looked like Regulus was… blushing. Furiously so, in fact, his entire face reddening.

Before James could manage a greeting, Regulus was already making an excuse, his voice clipped as he tugged on Pandora’s arm.

“I’ve got to go. Pandora, let’s- uh, let’s go.” He muttered hurriedly. He barely gave James a second glance as he grabbed Pandora, practically dragging her along as they headed straight for the exit. 

James stood rooted to the spot, dumbfounded. 

What just happened?

As the pair walked off, Regulus’ voice carried faintly over the noise of their footsteps, sounding almost panicked as he whispered probably a little louder than intended.

“What is he doing here??”

Pandora’s reply was amused, almost teasing.

“Said he came in and didn’t want to disturb you.”

“So what ?” Regulus hissed. “He was just watching me?”

Pandora giggled, her voice lilting. 

“Maybe he was starstruck. I mean he did seem interested last nigh-”

“ Don’t mention last night.” Regulus snapped, his voice fading as they disappeared through the doors.

James stood frozen, his mind spinning in all directions. 

He hadn’t been imagining it then. Regulus had looked horrified to see him, and Pandora seemed to know at least part of the reason why.

James let out a shaky breath and ran a hand through his hair.

What was going on here?

The next few days only left him with more questions, unfortunately.

Every time he ran into Regulus, it was the same thing. Regulus would get that panicked look in his eyes and he’d mutter some excuse or just flat-out ignore James as he ran off to somewhere else. 

With each time it happened, James grew more and more frustrated. He didn’t understand what had suddenly happened. It felt like they were suddenly going backwards and he had no idea how to fix it.

When Tuesday afternoon finally arrived though, he knew he had his chance, and he needed to take it. 

James arrived at the rink, the cool air inside nipping at his skin as he tugged on his hoodie and scanned the ice.

Regulus hadn’t been willing to even speak to him all weekend, beyond the stupid excuses, not even giving him a proper glance in his direction. No reaching out, no contact even during the accidental run-ins in the locker room.

It was as if Regulus was set on erasing what little relation they did have, and James couldn’t for the life of him, figure out why . One minute they’d been… well, maybe not friends, but something close enough to it. The next, he was ice-cold, distant. 

But today was Tuesday. They had practice. He couldn’t avoid James here.

Effie stood by the bench, reviewing her notes as James approached. She sent him a warm smile.

“You ready for today?”

James nodded, though his mind was admittedly elsewhere. His eyes scanned the entire rink for the familiar dark-haired figure. He didn’t have to stand there looking for long - Regulus showed up only moments later, his skates clutched tight in one hand, his expression sour and his posture as rigid as it ever had been as he spotted James.

The second their eyes met, Regulus just froze, his entire body tensing visibly. Then within a split second he quickly turned on his heel, walking over to the benches without so much as a word, his face carefully blank. James felt his stomach churn at the sight. What had gone wrong?

Effie, ever the observant one, raised an eyebrow at Regulus’ behavior but didn’t comment on it. Instead, she sent James an inquiring gaze that he didn’t respond to. Once again she made a slightly puzzled expression but yet again she didn’t ask any questions. Instead, she handed them their task for the day, her voice calm and encouraging.

“Today we’re once again working on our emotional expression through movement. James, you’re here to help give a different perspective - how to skate with intensity, how to read an opponent's movements and react. How to skate both at and with another at the same time. You’ll be working closely today.”

Regulus noticeably stiffened at the word “closely”, though he masked it quickly, eyes averted.

James, sensing the tension, decided to give Regulus as much space as he could for now. It wasn’t that he wanted to force Regulus to do something he wouldn’t be comfortable with. He just needed him to talk to him, look at him, just at least acknowledge that something was wrong. James nodded, though his confusion only deepened the more he looked at Regulus who was still pretending as though he couldn’t even see him. Effie continued as if she didn’t notice the silent battle brewing between the two, though the small glances she sent in James’ direction told him she was very much noticing it. 

“The key here,” She said, “Is connection. The way hockey players read each other, the way they anticipate every move, every weight shift. Regulus, you need to feel that when you skate with James so that you can make it feel like that even when you skate alone. Your movements today will have to rely on more than just skill. You’ll need to trust James’ guidance as well.”

James nodded along, stealing another glance at Regulus, who now sat rigid on the edge of a bench, his jaw clenched.

What happened with him? James thought. What changed?

When Effie eventually ushered them onto the ice and started the practice, things got even more… awkward.

Regulus kept a tight distance between them, barely giving room to actually let James get close. Every single time James tried to get close enough to guide him, Regulus shifted away, always staying right out of reach. He skated just as precisely as he always did but without any of the raw emotion Effie wanted and certainly not any “Close teamwork” or trust.

James’ patience quickly started wearing thin as they stumbled through the given exercise, his frustration growing worse with each misstep, and each awkward move. He was used to Regulus being prickled, but he wasn’t at all used to him being this… distant.

We were just starting to make progress James thought bitterly as he stumbled once again because Regulus let go of him too quickly. And now we’re back to square one. 

Effie must have noticed the tension, or maybe their shitty skating just gave them away, because she called for a break much earlier than usual.

She beckoned James over to her with a tight-lipped expression.

“What’s going on with you two?” She asked her voice sterner than before but still gentle. “None of you are skating like you usually do, and I certainly am not seeing a lot of teamwork or coordination.”

James ran a hand through his hair, exhaling sharply. He already felt exhausted, and they still had hours to go.

“I don’t know, mum. He’s been avoiding me all weekend and now he won’t even look at me.”

Effie regarded him carefully, a slight frown tugging at the corner of her lips.

“And you have no idea what this is about?” 

James wracked his brain, trying to come up with any logical explanation that would make sense of Regulus’ behaviour. But he came up emptyhanded, shaking his head no with a small pout. He didn’t like people being upset with him. And he especially disliked not knowing the reason. Because if he didn’t know the reason then how was he supposed to fix it?

Effie regarded him for a moment more, her expression thoughtful and her lips still tucked into a frown until in the end she just let out a tired sigh. 

“You two need to figure this out. Whatever it is, it’s affecting your performance, and I’m sorry to be the stern teacher here but I need you both to focus on your training. Maybe… if you think this is something about the two of you, then talk to him.”

James nodded, feeling a pang of guilt. He didn’t want to let his mom down and his intention with joining the practices was to help, not to make things worse. But more than that, he needed answers. Regulus was practically running from him at this point, and James wasn’t one to just let something like this go without an explanation.

Looking around he spotted Regulus heading towards the locker rooms, clearly trying to make a quick exit. James took off after him, calling out.

“Regulus, wait!”

Regulus didn’t stop. If anything, his pace only quickened. 

“ Regulus !” James’ voice was a little sharper this time as he caught up, his desperation starting to boil over as he grabbed Regulus’ arm just to make him stop. Regulus flinched, jerking away from James as if the touch alone was painful. But even as he turned around he stayed silent, looking at James only for a second, a flicker of emotion passing over his features, before he looked away again, refusing to look James in the eye, his expression just as empty as before. 

“What’s going on?” James said, his voice sounding tired, desperate. “You’ve been avoiding me for days, and now you can’t even look at me. What did I do?”

That seemed to catch Regulus’ attention at least, his eyes flashing with something between frustration and panic as he finally looked up and met James’ gaze with a fury James wasn’t at all expecting to see. His cheeks were still flushed, either from exertion or something else entirely.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong? ” Regulus’ voice was tight, James completely taken aback by the sharp clear anger tucked away beneath his exterior, emotions barely held in check. “I don’t know, James. What could possibly be wrong, do you think?”

James blinked, confused again. 

“I- I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.”

Regulus stared at him, searching his face as if waiting for something to click. When it didn’t his expression shifted - hurt, mingled with anger. And then slowly he straightened, his expression evening out though it didn’t look like calm. It looked like another realisation had just dawned on him. Something unpleasant judging from the slight twist of his lips.

“You don’t remember, do you?”

James felt a chill run down his spine.

“Remember… what?”

Regulus laughed then, suddenly, and it was sharp and bitter. He turned his head away, biting down whatever emotion was threatening to surface. 

“You really don’t remember,” He muttered almost to himself. He looked back at James, his eyes flashing with anger. “You don’t remember Friday ?”

James racked his brain, trying to force any memorable memory out, trying to piece together the haze of Friday night, but all that came back was fuzzy memories and laughter. 

“I-... no.” He admitted finally, confusion deepening. “What happened on Friday?”

Regulus stared at him, something like disappointment crossing his features before he masked it with a cold expression. 

“Forget it.” He snapped, his voice tight with anger and something more vulnerable, something more honest. “It doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t matter. For some reason, James didn’t even understand just those three words broke something inside him.

“Wait, Regulus-” James reached out again, but Regulus stepped back, shaking his head.

“No, James. If you don’t remember then it clearly wasn’t important enough for you.”

James opened his mouth to protest, but the words caught in his throat. He could see it now - the hurt, the frustration, the way Regulus’ eyes flickered with something much deeper that James couldn’t understand. He stayed for a moment more just staring at James as if secretly he was hoping he’d have more to say. When James stayed silent though he scoffed. In a heartbeat he was turning and walking away, his footsteps quick, his shoulders stiff.

James stood frozen, watching him leave, the weight of the unresolved tension settling in his chest.

What the hell happened that Friday? 

As soon as they were back on the ice, the atmosphere had shifted. James could feel it, a tangible weight pressing down on his chest. Regulus no longer avoided him. Suddenly there was no more skating away, no more silent refusals to meet his gaze. Now, Regulus was letting him get close, his sharp eyes locking onto James with a fury that seemed to burn right through him. It wasn’t the awkward tension from earlier, nor the cold indifference from when they first met. This was something much angrier - livid. 

Every move Regulus made was suddenly filled with raw, seething anger, his usually graceful skating now charged with something aggressive and powerful. James could see it in the sharpness of Regulus’ turns, the force behind his movements. The emotion Effie had been pushing for had finally surfaced, but not in the way James had particularly hoped it would.

James skated beside him, feeling like he was caught up in a storm. Regulus wasn’t backing down anymore - he was pushing forward, and with each gliding step, it was clear that this couldn’t be less about skating. 

Effie stood at the edge of the rink, her expression pleased as she watched them, clearly oblivious to the underlying tension. She called out more instructions, focusing on form and emotion, but James barely heard her. His mind kept circling back to Friday night, desperately trying to remember. If he could just remember then maybe he would figure out how to stop this madness. What had he done? What had he said or done to make Regulus this angry? 

Regulus didn’t give him time to dwell on it. He moved with determination, skating fast, his movements fluid abut fierce, eyes blazing with something James had no idea how to name. As if he was challenging James to keep up, to match his anger, as if he was trying to rile him up too. And James, for once, was struggling to keep up - not because of the skating, but because of the weight of Regulus’ stare.

They reached the sequence Effie had instructed them on earlier, something that required precise coordination and - unfortunately for James - close proximity. Regulus slid into position, his voice tight and frustrated.

“Move your hand further down.”

James blinked, caught in a moment of distraction, staring at Regulus’ face instead of his hand placement. His mind was still too tangled in thoughts of what he’d done, so much so that he wasn’t keeping up with what was currently happening. 

“James.” Regulus’ voice was sharp, and James finally snapped back to reality.

He blinked again, confused.

“What?”

“For fucks sake,” Regulus muttered under his breath, his patience clearly long gone. He grabbed James’ hand and moved it to his hip himself with a rough shove, his touch hot through the layers of their gear. 

James flushed, not even sure why, but the feeling of Regulus’ hand on his burned in his mind.

“Keep up, would you?” Regulus bit.

“Yeah, right,” James muttered, as he swallowed, trying to pull himself together. 

But the exchange didn’t end there. Every step, every movement, Regulus was relentless. His skating was fierce, his words even sharper. 

“Stop dragging your feet, James. You look like a clutz.” Regulus snapped again, his voice clipped as they moved through another sequence. His body language was tense, shoulders stiff, but he moved with the kind of precision that cut right through the air between them.

“Maybe if you weren’t acting like you’re trying to murder me with your eyes, i wouldn’t be so distracted,” James shot back, frustration finally breaking through his confusion.

“Maybe if you weren’t such an idiot, I wouldn’t want to murder you to begin with.” Regulus snarled.

James clenched his jaw, trying to hold back his retort, unsure of what he was even arguing about anymore. The frustration, the anger, the not knowing - it was all crashing down on him at once, starting to become so all-consuming he couldn’t see straight. 

Effie called for the end of practice shortly after that, mercifully releasing them from the tension. As they skated off, James could feel his heart pounding, his pulse erratic. He couldn’t leave things like this, not with Regulus so obviously upset. He had gone into this, hoping to fix things, but they had only gotten worse. He needed to know what was going on.

“Regulus, can we please just talk?” James asked, as he followed Regulus outside into the parking lot, his voice quieter now, a mix of pleading and frustration.

Regulus didn’t even turn around. 

“No.”

James stood for a second, watching as Regulus walked off toward the street. He felt a surge of anger rise in his chest. He couldn’t keep letting Regulus shut him out like this.

Determined, he quickly followed after him.

“Regulus, wait!” James called, catching up.

Regulus whirled around, his eyes blazing with seething rage. 

“I said no, James!” Regulus snapped and James had no idea why it felt like he had heard those exact words before. “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want anything to do with you. Just- Back off !”

James stopped in his tracks, taken aback by the force of Regulus’ anger. He could feel the heat radiating off of him, the intensity in his gaze as he had gotten so close up in his face to yell at him. And yet, all James could think about, all he could see in that moment, was how beautiful Regulus looked. Even angry, even pushing him away - especially pushing him away - Regulus was damn near magnetic. His sharp features flushed, his chest rising and falling with each angry breath as he stared at James awaiting his response. 

James didn’t even know what came over him. He barely registered the way Regulus’ lips moved, the sound of him still snapping out something cutting and bitter. His focus was entirely on the closeness between them, the way Regulus’ eyes seemed to pierce through him. He wanted him to stop. He wanted him to stop talking, stop pulling away, stop shutting him out. 

He wanted him close. 

Without thinking, without processing, James leaned in, closing the gap between them, his heart pounding in his ears. He barely registered the words Regulus was saying or how he immediately went silent as James got closer still.

James didn’t register anything other than his own burning need. His mind chanted the same mantra over and over again.

Close. Close. Close. Close. Close.

Chapter Text

Regulus was still in the middle of yelling at James when it happened. He was so angry. So so angry. it felt like years of anger surfacing and all being loaded onto James.

And then suddenly the boy in front of him just got this look in his eyes and Regulus knew he wasn’t listening anymore, and it made him even more angry. Because how dare he? How dare he not listen?

Then James started leaning in, and suddenly it clicked. Suddenly all the anger diffused in an instant, turning into wild confusion. It felt like his entire body glitched. He stilled, his voice escaping him completely. Because James was leaning in, and he had tried this once before, and the want was back and-

Regulus couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this right now. He needed to stop it. He needed to control himself. Control the moment. Control whatever horrible need was itching in his stomach.

Regulus Black had never been able to control much. 

His whole life had been carefully orchestrated, planned out, and prepped from the day he was born.

It manifested in tight schedules, and meal plans and was upheld by his mother’s cruel strikes and his father’s cold glances. Regulus had never been in control of his own life. He had never had a say in any of it. What he did, where he went to school, who he was allowed to hang out with, it was all under careful surveillance making sure he never fell out of line with all the plans. What he liked, what food he ate, what music he listened to, what clothing he wore, none of it was his. None of it was Regulus’. It was Regulus Black’s because a Black was a Black first and not a person. 

So the few things he could control he held onto - Tightly . Like a lifeline. A reminder that he did have authority over his life. A reminder that he did still have some power. 

He knew he could control what he did during the nights his parents had no idea he was staying up late. He had been able to control whether to let Sirius in when he’d knock on his door, softly, asking for permission. He had been able to control the amounts of cuts on his arms and thighs. The lines carefully crafted. He could control the pain he was willing to endure, just to remind himself he was alive. 

His whole life had been about control and the fight to keep some of it. 

He could control his feelings, his urges. He could control what he did with them. Which ones he let surface. Which ones he let others see - which were close to none. He could control what actions he took because of those feelings.

But then James came along. 

James thrust himself into the carefully crafted picture of Regulus’ life and suddenly he couldn’t control those feelings anymore. Suddenly he didn’t even have power over his own mind or body anymore.

And it felt like freefalling. It felt like everything he had been leaning onto, everything he had been using to just barely stay afloat was ripped from him violently. It felt like someone had taken his crutches and shoved them right out of his arms.

And he had no idea what to do with that feeling. He had no idea what to do without that control because it was everything he had depended on for so long. The only thing that didn’t make him feel as weak as everyone told him he was. 

So now he was clawing at the last few remains he had of it, desperately grasping for the bit of control he still did have left. So, sharply, he turned his head and leaned away from James. He stared at him, as the other opened his eyes, looking so confused. Why was he confused? what had he expected? He must think Regulus was weak too? That he was naive enough to let go of his control so easily like that. 

He just stared at James for a moment, waiting for him to blink and open his mouth as if to speak, just so that he would know he was there in the present to hear the words Regulus had for him. 

His voice was too breathy, too small as it came out but he couldn’t focus on that then.

“I can’t do this. I- James. I won’t do this. Not again.”

Then he left. 

He forced his legs to turn and walk far far away from James even though his body was screaming at him to turn back. His traitorous heart begged him over and over again. Just look back. Look back at him, Regulus. Just look back. 

But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t do that. Not now. Not ever. 

Instead, he let his legs carry him along, cause at least they seemed to still have some sense in them. His mind was spinning, spiraling out of control to places he didn’t want to go. 

“I don’t understand why they’re mad at me,” Regulus said through hiccuping sobs. “Why is everyone always mad at me?” 

He wasn’t sure how old he was. 8 maybe 10? He couldn’t be too sure. All memories of his childhood seemed to blend into one big painful mush whenever he did manage to recall any of it at all. Maybe because it was easier to remember it as just one big bad memory. One bad dream. One very long nightmare. 

“They’re just scared, Regulus,” Sirius said from where he was kneeling in front of him, wiping away Regulus’ his tears with careful fingers and a bitter frown on his face. He looked so much older than he really was. Regulus wasn’t sure if that was just his memory playing tricks on him or if Sirius had just always seemed a little older than he was. His youth stolen from him too soon. 

“Scared of what? Of me?” Regulus asked, his sobs quieting down momentarily as he stared back at his brother, confused. Sirius made another face. Regulus didn’t understand it. He never liked when Sirius did that. It made him feel too young, too dumb to understand. 

“They’re scared because they can’t control you, Reggie.”

Regulus had only frowned, still not understanding. Sirius had tried to smile then, though it was nothing but a poor imitation. It was so sad, so lacking of all the life and light and warmth Sirius’ smile normally held. He brought a hand up to lay it over Regulus’ heart on the outside of his tear-stained shirt. Sirius had always been squeamish and yet he didn’t complain even when coming into contact with the spot Regulus had used moments earlier to wipe his running nose. 

“They can’t control you. Not really. They can’t control what’s in here.” 

“inside my shirt?” Regulus asked, still not quite grasping the concept he was being handed.

Suddenly Sirius had broken into a small laugh, and even though there were visibly tears in his eyes now, like small crystals, falling down over skin blossoming in blue and purple where he had taken another punch for Regulus. He always took his younger brother’s punches. Regulus didn’t like that. He didn’t like that Sirius always had to fight his fights for him, and yet he always stayed put.

“Kind of, yeah,” Sirius managed through a tearful giggle. “It’s what’s in your heart, Regulus. Your feelings, your… your dreams. They can’t reach those. They can’t control those.”

“Why would they want to control my dreams?” Regulus asked frowning.

Sirius paused then, his look growing a little darker, making him look ten years older instead of two again. 

“ I don’t know, Reggie… I don’t know.”

“ Stop !” Regulus shouted out into nothing. “Stop, I don’t want to see that.” He choked out in a sob. Begging his mind for the memories to disappear, for the nightmare to end. There was a reason he’d buried those down. There was a reason he’d put those away for good. 

Regulus was so caught up in his misery he didn’t realise he had stopped walking. He was so sad, so angry, so confused that he didn’t even hear it when a door opened in front of him.

He only snapped out of it when a worried voice called out to him softly.

“... Regulus?”

Abruptly, he snapped his head up to see worried brown eyes staring back at him. Slowly, reality trickled back into focus and he took in the soft rustle of leaves above him, the sound of cars and kids playing in their yards. He saw a tall figure, broad shoulders, and curly blonde hair.

Evan.