Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Thunk.

His head hit the back of the couch again. At this point there had to be some sort of brain damage, if there wasn’t any beforehand. His eyes watched the pale sunlight bounce off of the screens and bits of metal around the room. He still needed to pick up the weapons and tools scattered around, but there wasn’t enough time earlier.
Huh. Time.
What time even is it? There was a small kick on his stomach. He looked down- the baby’s bright red eyes meeting his. “Go back to sleep.” He sighed out, moving his head away from the infant’s hand. It was reaching up to his face, successfully grabbing his cheek when he turned to the abrupt ringtone on the table. Lifting the baby with one arm and flipping open his phone to answer the call, he grimaced at the name.
“Heyy, Dirky-boyy,” The feminine voice rang through the speakers, along with some sort of clanking and beeping in the background. The baby found Dirk’s mouth, tiny fingers poking and pulling. “Roxthy.” Roxy let out a giggle. “Are you enjoying the babe, the boss, the itty-bitty tiny-whiney darling? I haven’t gotten a missing child report yet, so I have preeeettyy high hopes!” Dirk frowned, almost growling out his words. “I’ve only had the little brat for a night, Rox. I can babysit like the average-”
The baby smacked Dirk’s chin, earning a glare in response- Dirk put the phone on the table after putting it on speaker. He picked up the child under the armpits and lifted him into the air- contemplating what to do next as it ate its own fist. He tossed him upwards lightly, catching him and heading into the kitchen. “Stay.” Dirk half-mumbled after placing the infant in the dry side of the sink. “What wouldya even eat?” He rhetorically asked, squatting and looking at all of the lack of food in his cabinets. “We got bread.”
Dirk undid the weak tie on the plastic containing the loaf, offering a slice of it to the child. He took it, weakly biting into it, and ended up with a moist, drool-covered slice of bread instead of the consumed nutrients of wheat. “Dirk? Dirrrkk?” The man finally remembered the call, walking over to the table and finding the phone on the ground. “The hell, uh, yeah, Rox, what’s up? Somethin’ bout the babe?” Roxy scoffed, the rolling of their eyes practically verbal. “Have you even named him yet? Or is he going to be the next best baseball player?”
“He is not getting into baseball,” Dirk stated bluntly, making his way back to the kitchen, finding the child gone. He mumbled a profanity, interrupted by Roxy pleading on about something with Jane and the Cherubs once more. “Uh-huh.” He opened and closed cabinets with incredible speed, finding nothing; not food nor plates nor baby. There was suddenly a clank in the living room- Causing Dirk to rush over and find the baby on the table, coloring over some of the mail from a few days ago. “Oh, fuckin’ finally.” “Excuse me?”
Dirk sighed. “Rox, I think I gotta go. Baby got into some-” Roxy groaned but giggled. “Taking care of Dirk Jr, now? I can respect tat. Tjat. That.” Dirk picked up some of the untouched mail, hiding it away under the table. “Not Dirk Junior. We’re not naming nothin’ after me.” He attempted to distract the baby while taking the other envelopes. “Why not? It’s cute! Maybe we can call him that as a nickname?” Dirk groaned as he traded a tissue box for the last bill, picking up the phone once more. “No, Roxy. No nicknames. I’ll, eugh,” He lifted the tissue box, now covered in drool as well, tossing it to the side.”I’ll give him a name that’s already short. No nicknames possible in any and every universe. Like,” He tilted his head at the blonde baby, who was currently chewing on a tissue. “I dunno. Tom or something. We’ll work on it.” The baby crawled over the wooden table to Dirk, reaching out for him. He clicked the flip phone closed before Roxy could retort with another sassy statement, picking up the infant and flipping him around a bit.“Yeah, we’ll work on it. Mh-mm. Ain’t that right?” He held the baby upside down by his foot, getting a giggle fit in return. He put the baby on the couch, searching the room for an unknown object. The child stared- why was he put down, how dare the big man?- only to have his vision blocked off with a pair of small sunglasses. “There you go.”
Dirk smirked at his great idea; The rounder, defected version of his own glasses fit nearly perfectly on the infant. “Ba?” Dirk put on his own, spiked sunglasses, holding the baby in one arm and unlocking the front door with the other. The noon sun stretched across the apartment hallways flooring, warming the air and leaving the lights off. With a click, Dirk locked the front door again, double checking it with a push, walking down the dim hall. “We gotta get you some stuff, like an actual bed. You ready for a big-boy bed?” He teased the baby, letting him grab his pointer finger as they waited in the elevator. The joys of having the top floor.
Dirk tapped his foot rhythmatically after he clicked the lobby button, waiting impatiently as the doors opened at the wrong floor. He had to move over several different times as a few women walked into the small box, cooing and awwing over the cool little baby in his arms. “Aww, you two are just adorable; matching like that!” The baby looked at the random black haired woman, babbling in his strange baby-talk, causing the three ladies to giggle and obsess with him more.
Dirk ignored them for the most part, not wanting to cause a scene or upset the babe. This was until one of the women attempted to pluck the baby out of his arms, earning a death glare as Dirk switched arms and took a step away from them silently. The ladies whispered to each other, two of them giggling at the third. The elevator finally dinged as they hit the bottom floor, all five of the individuals leaving and heading their own ways.
“That was hell. Remind me to never take the elevator ever again, will you?” He rhetorically asked the baby, who was too distracted with the passing cars and loud sounds of the city. He looked at Dirk expectantly. “We really need to get you a name, lil dude. You can’t be ‘Mini Strider’ forever.” He looked around, attempting to get some sort of inspiration, the little Strider copying him. They finally reached the local convenience store, grimacing. “I don’t plan on naming you after a can of soup, but it might happen, man.” The baby replied with some babble, holding onto his glasses.
Entering the store, it was plenty cooler than the air outside. The baby giggled at the bug-repellent air barrier. So easily entertained. The two of them waded around the store, looking at baby-safe foods, toys, and fighting over the fact the infant can’t just grab things off the shelf, no, put that down, stop it, you can’t even eat those yet you greedy, grubby monster.
Dirk eventually found the perfect item- a baby carrier he could just buckle around his chest. Absolutely perfect. He can use both arms while also carrying the child. Amazing how technology has come so far. He picked up the small box, offering it to the child as a trade for the…. Popcorn? He picked up off the shelf. The infant was happy with this trade, chewing on the corner of the box. “Hungry, ain’t we? We can go somewhere when we’re headed home.” The baby returned a happy sound.
They waited in line for the cashier, Dirk quietly humming a tune to a song he had heard recently, title and artist unknown. He swayed side to side with the babe, bouncing him as he giggled and snorted with the temporary entertainment. He stopped when they reached the register, putting the items on the counter for them to be scanned. The person at the counter was a troll- the grey skin and tricolored horns a prominent feature- which wasn’t uncommon for this area. Dirk dug in the back of his mind, reminded of when Roxy had told him about a select few passively living on Earth with humans. The baby stared through his sunglasses, grumbling some sort of strung together sentence to the troll. The stranger smiled, sharper teeth exposed, waving softly at the infant. “ThVt’s Vn VdorVble wiggler. Is it yovrs?”
Dirk shrugged. “I guess he is now.” They both paused awkwardly, the troll handing over the two plastic bags of whatever baby supplies was bought. Eventually, the troll cleared their throat, stating their trained phrase. “ThVnk yov for purchVsing, come VgVin soon.” This led to Dirk grabbing the bags and nodding, a silent sign of goodbye. The baby turned still, looking over his shoulder to stare at the troll some more.
They walked down the sidewalk, Dirk shuffling the three things around so his arms wouldn’t get sore, sighing as he eyed the smaller shops. “You shouldn’t stare, man. It’s considered rude.” The baby retorted with another babble, probably complaining. Dirk only smiled faintly, turning into a local cafe.
After retrieving a small cup of whipped cream and a cake pop, Dirk stood in front of the bathroom mirror while struggling with the baby carrier. The instructions were unclear and oddly phrased, there were just so many straps, it was frustrating. Impossible. Whatever. He sighed, looking down at the baby, gaining some sort of newfound courage. Even if said baby was covered in frosting and whipped cream. “You’re so messy.”
He heard the bathroom door click open as he picked up the baby. He began washing the little guy’s hands in the sink, the babe splashing and giggling, all while a harsh hissing echoed in the small area. Dirk glanced over through the mirror, spotting another troll and their… what was it called again? The tiny creature with smaller features. It looked more bug-like than the actual trolls, but-
HISS. The thing hissed at Dirk and his mini-me, resulting in the baby mimicking the sound. “It seems y9ur gru6 picked up 9n the same ha6it as mine. I d9 ap9l9gize, he's incredi6ly stu669rn. Y9u may want t9 6reak that ha6it as s99n as p9ssi6le, I'm n9t sure h9w human-gru6s,” He paused for a breath, lifting his grub into the sink and rinsing some kind of drink off of it. ”-er, infants?- exactly w9rk, 6ut if they're anything like tr9lls, they may end up keeping it f9r the rest 9f their lives.” The troll opened his mouth to continue, only to have his hand bit by the grub as his new rant changed directions. Dirk took the advantage, clicking the last strap on his side and slipping his baby into the seat. The baby looked up at Dirk with crooked glasses, the older already pacing down the sidewalk again. “Ba?” He glanced at the baby, sighing as he passed the apartment’s lobby doors. “What? I think we both need a nap, lil’ dude.” Dirk leaned on the elevator wall as it rose up the levels. He softly hummed along to the probably not copyright-free music, the baby staring up at him. He adjusted the glasses to fit the babe’s face, the small one giggling. The elevator dinged and the man walked out- only to be met with two trolls and another grub.
One was much taller and mostly blocked by their hair; Horns just barely short enough not to rake against the poorly painted popcorn ceiling. The other was much shorter, along with their own horns being wider and much, much shorter. They seemed frustrated, moving their hands with what seemed like speedrunning sign language, going on and on as the tall one shook their head in response. Dirk silently flashstepped his way to the door, only stopping in the middle of turning the warm metal handle as something tugged at his leg. He looked down, seeing a soft dark-ish green grub being picked up by the shorter troll. Having a closer look at her, her dimmer orange eyes staring at his opaque glasses, he could tell the direct linage of her and her grub. She herself was softer in the face than the grub. Which, according to the new generation, had decided that it wanted to play with Dirk’s boy.
The unnamed human baby reached out to the grub, the latter doing a mutual movement but with much more enthusiasm and three more arms, not able to touch each other before the assigned guardians pulled away from one another. Dirk backed up into his unlocked door. The strange troll took only one step back before bumping into the taller one- Dirk only now noticing the strict scars around their mouth. “(=°・°=) OOOH!!! I AM SOOO SORRY!!!!!!!!!” She was loud. She also moved one hand along with her speech, being careful enough not to drop the grub that was currently complaining in her other. It let out soft squeaks and a sound that was similar to the mewing of a kitten. Odd for a bug-looking creature.
“Uh. Yeah, it’s fine.” Dirk noticed the way she watched his lips as if she was rock climbing and every syllable was the next poorly screwed-in fake plastic grip. She looked down at the baby human after a few seconds of silence, smiling at him. “(=^・^=)HELLO, LITTLE ONE!!! AAAWWW, AREN’T YOU A CUTIE!!!!” She smiled at the little guy, the human infant giggling at her reaction.“(=^ω^=)AAAW!!!” She continued on with endless, loud baby talk, cooing over the baby as he giggled and smiled with how silly she seemed. Dirk and the tall troll were staring at each other. That is, until a tiny purple grub appeared out of his hair, chewing on what seemed like a dog toy. “(=^‥^)OOOH WAIT, I FURGOT TO SAY MY NAME!!! I’M MEULIN, AND THIS IS KURLOZ!!!!!!!!! WE JUST MOVED IN, LIKE, STRAIGHT ACROSS FUROM MEW!!!”
Dirk lifted his eyebrows in acknowledgment. “Really? Can’t wait to see you both every mornin’.” Meulin giggled. “(^・o・^)ノEVFURRY MORNING????????? WOW!!!” Her tail- a fluffy bright blue- swung back and forth as she thought, suddenly wagging with excitement. “(=^・^=)WE SHOULD LIIIKE TOTALLY HAVE AN GRUB ENTERTAILMENT DAY!!!” Kurloz looked down at her, rolling his eyes softly before grabbing the green grub, turning, and going into their apartment. “A..’grub enter..tail, ment day?’ That some sort of troll thing?” Dirk questioned as he allowed his baby to chew on his finger. ““(^・o・^)ノHUUUH? I THOUGHT HUMANS HUNG OUT WITH THEIR GRUBS TOO???” She tilted her head, the both of them taking a moment to think. “You mean a playdate?” Meulin nodded frantically. “(=^‥^)HEHE!!! YES!!! SORRY, I’M STILL GETTING USED TO HUMAN TERMS! THEY’RE SOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!!”
Dirk sighed, taking his hand away from the baby. “I guess I can work you into my schedule. Later this week then?” She hummed an agreement. “(^・ω・^) THAT WOULD BE SOOO WONDERFUL!!! I’LL SEE MEW LATER THEN!!!” She waved goodbye and trotted to her apartment. Dirk sighed as he was able to finally retreat to his own, entering the living room after locking the front door again, and putting the baby on the floor along with a few bags. He laid down on the couch- warmed from the evening sun and lack of AC.
“Bababab, ba?” The infant babbled to Dirk, crawling over to the edge and grabbing onto his shirt. “Yeah, man, exactly. Get it, lil’ dude.” He picked him up, putting him on his lap. “I need a nap. You wanna hang out next door tomorrow or somethin’?” The baby stared at him, grabbing his glasses and chewing on them. Dirk half-chuckled as took away the glasses and removing the smaller pair as well. He picked up the infant again, groaning as he sat up, making his way to the master bedroom. He changed the baby into a pair of pajamas- a soft pink onesie decorated with olives and leaves. Dirk himself changed into a plain t-shirt and sweatpants, putting the infant onto the couch and making his way to the TV.
His thumb grazed over the labels of VHS tapes, selecting a PG movie and sliding it into the player. The blue-screened TV flicked on, showing the before-film trailers before the main menu music started to play. “Gonna have a good nap, yeah?” He yawned as he slid onto the couch himself. His eyes scanned over his phone screen for any texts he may have missed, before sighing and putting it down again. The baby stared at him from across the seats. “What’s up? I fed you, changed you, gave you entertainm- oof.” The child began crawling onto Dirk, settling on his arm and stomach. “Of course. Cuddles. Can’t forget those. My bad, B.”

— — — — —

“Alright, kiddo,” Dirk squatted down with a paper list in his hand and the baby across the room. He was chewing on a sliced apple while looking at the man from a distance. “You need a name. Rox gave me a list, so..” The baby continued staring as Dirk rested his legs, now sitting criss-cross and clicking through the texts between him and his companion. “Let’s see.” He sighed as he read through a few of the names, weeding out the worst of them.
“Caleb?”
The baby sat unmoving, tilting the apple in his mouth to get a better chew.
“What about Justin?”
He only replied with a blink.
“...Yeah, these suck. What about Derek?”
The infant threw the apple to the side, babbling as he crawled his way over. “Oh, you like that one? What about,” He tilted his head with a sigh, rubbing the back of his neck while leaning back. “Ah, I dunno. Daniel?” The baby hesitated, staring at the man. He grimaced. “What? No? Alright, no Daniel.” He rubbed both hands around his neck, the warm and rough texture of his palms being his own built-in grounder. Thinking this hard was too much work for a baby.

“How about David?” The baby crawled into Dirk’s lap, triggering a bad smile to creep onto his face. “You like David?” His red eyes stared up at Dirk. “Ah, well, I did tell Rox that I didn’t want no nicknames.. What about just ‘Dave’, hm?” The newly named babe giggled, reaching upwards for him to be picked up. “Dave it is.” They pressed their foreheads together, Dirk murmuring a ‘bonk’ to tease the little one. “Well, Dave, it’s time for a bath.”

Chapter Text

Dirk watched as Dave giggled in the sink. It was almost overflowing with baby-safe bubble bath soap bubbles. He was babbling about something, splashing it over the edge. To the joy of the downstairs neighbor, Dirk had put down a towel, which was soaking up any overflow.
He talked to the baby as he danced around the small kitchen area, semi-humming along to whatever upbeat song was on the online radio. “Alright, do you want mac n’ cheese, or do you want spaghetti?” He held up the two boxes of noodles to Dave. The baby, however, figured his fingers were a better meal than any starch. He babbled as he offered spit-covered baby fingers, the adult leaning away from the sink. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a no from me, buddy. I’ll just make some spaghetti.”

The pasta was served to the baby- some cut up noodles on a plate with a tiny bit of sauce on it. He sat on the couch as he ate, fistfull by fistfull. Dirk, on the other hand, was sitting at his desk, leaning back in his chair. His hands dashed across the scattered papers as he sketched and noted down small things. He ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. The chair spun around slowly, taking a small break to check the infant. Dave was offering him some messy sketti, reaching over. Dirk smirked. “Nah, I’m all good, lil’ man.”
Dave babbled while offering the tomato sauce-covered starch. Eventually, he turned back around, shoving the mess into his mouth and actually eating the stuff. Dirk stifled a chuckle. “Stupid.” He got up, swiping something off the desk. A half-made pair of black sunglasses with wires and small bits of fire-hazard tech dangling off of it. “Are we ready, Dave?” The kid only looked at him with an uneven blink. “Good enough for government work.” He put the glasses on, greeted with a small blank loading screen, suddenly cut off with glitched red text and a murmur of an automated voice.
“Uh- Beta test one, testing, testing?”
His voice appeared on the small screen; A nice orange bundle of lines dashed across the white background. The red attempted to repeat itself, the crackling murmur cutting off into a high-pitched screech. Dirk flinched, tossing the mechanical mess back onto his desk as he rubbed his palms on his temples. “Fuck.”
The baby offered a small string of vocal babbles, only to be met with a sudden shush as Dirk walked down the hall. “Not- Not right now, Dave. I just.. Ugh.” He ran his hand through his hair. The soft blonde bits were pulled out of his face and into a half ponytail as he paced back and forth. He walked from the living room, down the hall, back to the living room. To the kitchen. To the living room. And back to the hall. Dave watched him as he moved around, then watched his own feet wiggle around as he moved them eagerly.

Dirk stopped at the window, sliding it open and stepping out into the fire escape. He sat down on the cold metal- the morning sun hadn't warmed it much. He clicked open a lighter as he pressed a cigarette to his lips. The soft gray of smoke was quite the contrast to the bright blue sky. No rain today, it seems. He listened to the sounds of the city- the honking cars, the sirens of a far-off cop car, the slight sound of crows croaking their opinion to the pigeons.
Familiar sounds. Predictable sounds.

Something inside the apartment crashed. Dirk swung around, hopping into the room after throwing his cigarette behind him. Flashstepping really comes in handy sometimes. Scanning around the living room- no baby. “Fuck.” He dashed across the entire apartment, finding nothing. “He- He can’t even open doors. He can’t even walk!” He stopped in the hall, fists clenched as he thought. He left the baby on the couch. He walked outside. Had he left the bathroom door open? The kitchen?
“Buh-bah.” He whipped around, finding that Dave was standing a few feet away, one hand on the wall. “Jesus H. Christ, kid. Gonna give me a heart attack.” He slowly took a step towards Dave, hearing the bang again. “That… wasn’t you? Huh.” He sighed out, adjusting his hair with one hand. “The hell you doin’ all the way over here, anyways?” He paused as Dave lifted a foot, stumbling towards him slowly with unstable footsteps. Dirk’s eyes widened as he dropped to the floor on one knee and his arms carefully outreached. “Yeah… yeah, man, c'mon.” Dave pushed against the wall, finding his horrible balance, but waddled towards his guardian nonetheless.
His wide smile and echoing giggles were contagious. He tripped- hands hitting the floor momentarily before looking up at him with his pudgy and messy expression. Dirk stifled a laugh as he shook his head and walked over to the tot who was two seconds away from sobbing. He picked him up, putting him in the air as he walked down the hall back to the living room. “Tryin' to learn how to walk and now you’re turnin’ into fuckin’ Superman- you're totally using Rox’s ‘total haxxin skillz’, ain't you?”
The toddler kicked his legs, reaching down to him before getting put down on the floor. “Stay there. I don't need you buggering off again.” He made his way to the front door as there was another thump and new mumbles through the wall. Dave babbled and reached for him as he scooted towards him a bit. Dirk slid a hand through his hair and made sure his shades were adjusted correctly before he opened the door, glancing at Dave for one last moment.
“Baby, baby, pleeeaase! I cant take care of this- this thing!” The neighbor's door was open- Meulin standing with a troll on the ground holding another grub. Unlike Kurloz and Meulin, these aliens had fins on the sides of their head, and the slightly noisy grub had a bigger fin at the end of its body. Meulin shook her head, her arms already full with the green and purple grubs that belonged to herself and her partner. ”cmon girl he doesnt shut up I dont knovw hovwta handle this lil shit.” Meulin opened her mouth to say something, looking up and double-taking as she spotted Dirk. “(^・o・^)ノ< OH!!!” Her tail swished behind her as she trotted over. The olive grub in her arms reached out to him.
The man on the floor rose, holding a very upset violet grub upside down. “(=^ω^=) < HEYYY NEIGHPURR TOTALLY SORRY ABOUT THE NOISE IF THAT'S WHAT THE PURROBLEM IS!!!” Dirk leaned on the door frame, raising an eyebrow. “Meu youre gonna really talk to a 'real' human instead of me? Man, thats really fucked up, are you being trans-species-ist right novw? Do you not respect me?” The stranger insisted, his tone accusatory and offended at the same time. Meulin practically growled, stomping one of her feet to the ground. “(^・m・^)< NO CRONUS I DO NOT RESPECT MEW!!! YOU'RE RUDE AND MEW DON'T LISTEN AND IT’S ABSOLUTELY PAWFUL TO LISTEN TO YOUR COMPLAINTS ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING ONLY FUR MEW TO TURN AROUND AND TRY SNEAKING YOUR WAY INTO A QUADRANT THAT MEW KMEOW I ALREADY HAVE FILLED OUT AS WELL!!!!!”
The silence of the hallway soon became painful. Dirk glanced between the two of them- Cronus’ fins flattened against his face as he looked away, probably out of a mixture of many emotions. Meulin, on the other paw, was left panting. The grubs in her arms just stared at her. “You should, uh,” Dirk gestured for Meulin to enter the apartment. She rushed in, rubbing her sleeve against her face.
Cronus opened his mouth to say something, but being met with Dirk’s shades instead of Meulin’s eyes clicked something in his mind. The grub in his arms let out a whimper, then a whine, and then it began crying its little heart out. The seadweller’s vibrant violet fins flared up as he tried shooshing and rocking the grub to no result. Mister Strider inhaled, closing the door as Cronus finally opened his mouth again.